In The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963 , the author tells the story of a family from Flint, Michigan, to show how the events of an important time in history affected real people. Which scenes or story elements from the book help the author succeed in bringing these historic events to life?

In a well-developed essay, discuss the elements of the story that give the historic events a realistic quality. Include facts and details to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Watsons Go to Birmingham - 1963 is about an African American family who live in Flint, Michigan. The book describes their life, but more importantly, it is about their trip to Birmingham in the summer of 1963. The story is described by Kenny, who is the second youngest child in the family. The author uses an average African American family to describe one of the most important events that happened in the Civil Rights movement. Throughout the book, the author uses various scenes and events from the life of the "Weird Watsons" to give insight on the hardships that faced African Americans in the 1960's.

At the beginning of the story, it is winter and it is freezing cold. The Watsons are huddled up on the couch trying to keep warm because their furnace is not working. Mrs. Watson starts to complain about how cold it is and how she wishes that she was still in Birmingham where she grew up. Mr. Watson responds sarcastically in a mocking, southern accent, "Oh yeah, they're a laugh a minute down there. Let's see, where was that 'Colored's Only' bathroom downtown?" This is the first event in the book that tells us the family is African American and it introduces the issue of segregation that African Americans faced during the Civil Rights era in the South. This is a small introduction to the bigger events that come later in the book.

It is not until chapter nine, when the Watsons are about to leave for Birmingham, that the author brings up the issues of the Civil Rights movement. The family has decided to go to Birmingham because they want to get Byron away from Flint. Byron has been getting into trouble and his parents think that it will be helpful if he spends some time with his grandmother in the South. The morning they are going to leave, Kenny and Mr. Watson have a conversation in the car about why they are sending Byron to Birmingham. This is significant because it is the first time in the story where the challenges facing the Watson children as they grow up are addressed. This is also one of the first times we see Mr. Watson act in a serious way. He is usually making jokes about things and deals with most situations with humor. Mr. Watson talks about what they have seen on the news as Kenny recalls seeing the pictures of mad white people screaming and yelling, and making rude gestures to little Negro children who are just trying to go to school. Kenny does not understand why they would do that. The author uses this conversation between Kenny and his dad to bring to life some of the events that happened during the integration of schools in the South. The scene shows the hatred that some white people expressed freely towards African Americans.

As the "Weird Watsons" travel to Birmingham, the author uses the trip to show some of the scary events that happened to African Americans during that time. For example, Mrs. Watson makes a detailed plan of their trip to Birmingham. Kenny wonders why they cannot just stop anywhere and Mr. Watson replies sarcastically that because they are colored, they cannot expect to just stop anywhere and receive service. A little further along in the trip, they find themselves in Tennessee because Mr. Watson decided to drive further than he should have. They stop at a rest area and Kenny can tell that momma is upset. She says "Well, do you see what your nonstop driving has done? Do you see? Instead of being in a motel you've driven us straight into Hell!" This sentence reveals her fear of where they are. After they eat, Kenny and Byron go to the bathroom in the woods and Byron explains to Kenny that they are in Appalachia and there are crackers and rednecks in the mountains who have never seen Negroes before and would hang one just for being there. Even though the Watson family never actually encounter a redneck or get turned away from a restaurant, or other public place, these scenes help us understand their fear and show us how difficult life was for an African American family in the South.

In the final two chapters of the book, the author brings to life one of the most tragic events during the Civil Rights movement: the bombing of an African American church and the murder of four young girls. One minute Kenny is lounging under a tree about to fall asleep, and then there is chaos after he hears a loud blast, and people start running towards the direction of the blast. Kenny describes the franticness of the people trying to get to the church. In his description of the scene at the church, we feel the fear and anguish of the people. He describes them as "a river of scared brown bodies". Kenny describes the bodies of the little girls lying on the lawn and it is obvious that they are dead. He is scared that Joetta might be dead as well. He scrambles through the rubble looking for her and thinks he has found her when he pulls a shoe off one of the bodies in the rubble. Kenny thinks she is dead and walks home in shock. Sometimes historical events don't seem real because we are disconnected from the people involved. By leaving this event to the end of the story, the author has given us the chance to get to know the Watsons, and to care about them, so the event becomes more meaningful to us.

Although Joetta did not die in the bombing, we realize how shocking this event must have been for Kenny and his family who have never experienced anything like this before. When they go back to Flint, Kenny is struggling to understand the events that he witnessed. It is ironic that Byron is the one to explain things to Kenny. Throughout most of the book, they don't really get along. The purpose of the trip was so Byron would grow up and understand how things in life were going to be for an African American man. In his conversation with Kenny, the author shows us that Byron has grown up and has become much more responsible. Byron explains that hate made someone bomb the church. He knows it is not fair, but that is the reality of the situation and they have to face it. He tells Kenny that the people responsible for the bombing will probably never be caught or punished.

This passage shows the injustice that African Americans faced in the 1960's. The Watsons are a fictional family, but they could be real. While telling the story of a small chapter in their life, the author gives us a snapshot of life in America for African American people during the 1960's and provides insight into events that occurred during the time of the Civil Rights movement.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a central/controlling idea.

The writer communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection by describing some of the historic events that affected real people in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“In the final two chapters of the book, the author brings to life one of the most tragic events during the Civil Rights movement: the bombing of an African American church and the murder of four young girls. One minute Kenny is lounging under a tree about to fall asleep, and then there is chaos after he hears a loud blast, and people start running towards the direction of the blast. Kenny describes the franticness of the people trying to get to the church. In his description of the scene at the church, we feel the fear and anguish of the people. He describes them as ‘a river of scared brown bodies’. Kenny describes the bodies of the little girls lying on the lawn and it is obvious that they are dead. He is scared that Joetta might be dead as well. He scrambles through the rubble looking for her and thinks he has found her when he pulls a shoe off one of the bodies in the rubble. Kenny thinks she is dead and walks home in shock.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The morning they are going to leave, Kenny and Mr. Watson have a conversation in the car about why they are sending Byron to Birmingham. This is significant because it is the first time in the story where the challenges facing the Watson children as they grow up are addressed. This is also one of the first times we see Mr. Watson act in a serious way. He is usually making jokes about things and deals with most situations with humor. Mr. Watson talks about what they have seen on the news as Kenny recalls seeing the pictures of mad white people screaming and yelling, and making rude gestures to little Negro children who are just trying to go to school. Kenny does not understand why they would do that. The author uses this conversation between Kenny and his dad to bring to life some of the events that happened during the integration of schools in the South. The scene shows the hatred that some white people expressed freely towards African Americans.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The purpose of the trip was so Byron would grow up and understand how things in life were going to be for an African American man. In his conversation with Kenny, the author shows us that Byron has grown up and has become much more responsible. Byron explains that hate made someone bomb the church. He knows it is not fair, but that is the reality of the situation and they have to face it. He tells Kenny that the people responsible for the bombing will probably never be caught or punished. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific examples to illustrate the effects the historic time had on the main characters in the story. (“It is not until chapter nine, when the Watsons are about to leave for Birmingham, that the author brings up the issues of the Civil Rights movement. The family has decided to go to Birmingham because they want to get Byron away from Flint. Byron has been getting into trouble and his parents think that it will be helpful if he spends some time with his grandmother in the South. The morning they are going to leave, Kenny and Mr. Watson have a conversation in the car about why they are sending Byron to Birmingham. This is significant because it is the first time in the story where the challenges facing the Watson children as they grow up are addressed. This is also one of the first times we see Mr. Watson act in a serious way. He is usually making jokes about things and deals with most situations with humor. Mr. Watson talks about what they have seen on the news as Kenny recalls seeing the pictures of mad white people screaming and yelling, and making rude gestures to little Negro children who are just trying to go to school. Kenny does not understand why they would do that.”)

The essay contains important details that may include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text. (“A little further along in the trip, they find themselves in Tennessee because Mr. Watson decided to drive further than he should have. They stop at a rest area and Kenny can tell that momma is upset. She says ‘Well, do you see what your nonstop driving has done? Do you see? Instead of being in a motel you've driven us straight into Hell!’ This sentence reveals her fear of where they are. After they eat, Kenny and Byron go to the bathroom in the woods and Byron explains to Kenny that they are in Appalachia and there are crackers and rednecks in the mountains who have never seen Negroes before and would hang one just for being there. Even though the Watson family never actually encounter a redneck or get turned away from a restaurant, or other public place, these scenes help us understand their fear and show us how difficult life was for an African American family in the South.”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. Additionally, the writer’s commentary connects the historic events to the reactions of the characters in a meaningful way. (“In the final two chapters of the book, the author brings to life one of the most tragic events during the Civil Rights movement: the bombing of an African American church and the murder of four young girls. One minute Kenny is lounging under a tree about to fall asleep, and then there is chaos after he hears a loud blast, and people start running towards the direction of the blast. Kenny describes the franticness of the people trying to get to the church. In his description of the scene at the church, we feel the fear and anguish of the people. He describes them as ‘a river of scared brown bodies’. Kenny describes the bodies of the little girls lying on the lawn and it is obvious that they are dead. He is scared that Joetta might be dead as well. He scrambles through the rubble looking for her and thinks he has found her when he pulls a shoe off one of the bodies in the rubble. Kenny thinks she is dead and walks home in shock. Sometimes historical events don't seem real because we are disconnected from the people involved. By leaving this event to the end of the story, the author has given us the chance to get to know the Watsons, and to care about them, so the event becomes more meaningful to us.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention by describing the story’s historical backdrop. (“The Watsons Go to Birmingham - 1963 is about an African American family who live in Flint, Michigan. The book describes their life, but more importantly, it is about their trip to Birmingham in the summer of 1963. The story is described by Kenny, who is the second youngest child in the family. The author uses an average African American family to describe one of the most important events that happened in the Civil Rights movement. Throughout the book, the author uses various scenes and events from the life of the ‘Weird Watsons’ to give insight on the hardships that faced African Americans in the 1960's. ”)

Subtle transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“As the ‘Weird Watsons’ travel to Birmingham, the author uses the trip to show some of the scary events that happened to African Americans during that time. For example, Mrs. Watson makes a detailed plan of their trip to Birmingham. Kenny wonders why they cannot just stop anywhere and Mr. Watson replies sarcastically that because they are colored, they cannot expect to just stop anywhere and receive service. A little further along in the trip, they find themselves in Tennessee because Mr. Watson decided to drive further than he should have. ”)

The writer’s conclusion, although brief, leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“This passage shows the injustice that African Americans faced in the 1960's. The Watsons are a fictional family, but they could be real. While telling the story of a small chapter in their life, the author gives us a snapshot of life in America for African American people during the 1960's and provides insight into events that occurred during the time of the Civil Rights movement. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The writer’s language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story, such as the church bombing in Birmingham, to give the readers a sense of the shock and horror the characters experienced as events unfolded in Alabama. (“Although Joetta did not die in the bombing, we realize how shocking this event must have been for Kenny and his family who have never experienced anything like this before. When they go back to Flint, Kenny is struggling to understand the events that he witnessed. It is ironic that Byron is the one to explain things to Kenny. Throughout most of the book, they don't really get along. The purpose of the trip was so Byron would grow up and understand how things in life were going to be for an African American man. In his conversation with Kenny, the author shows us that Byron has grown up and has become much more responsible. Byron explains that hate made someone bomb the church. He knows it is not fair, but that is the reality of the situation and they have to face it. He tells Kenny that the people responsible for the bombing will probably never be caught or punished. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the main characters’ experiences so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand how the events of the historic time affected real people like the Watsons. (“As the ‘Weird Watsons’ travel to Birmingham, the author uses the trip to show some of the scary events that happened to African Americans during that time. For example, Mrs. Watson makes a detailed plan of their trip to Birmingham. Kenny wonders why they cannot just stop anywhere and Mr. Watson replies sarcastically that because they are colored, they cannot expect to just stop anywhere and receive service. A little further along in the trip, they find themselves in Tennessee because Mr. Watson decided to drive further than he should have. They stop at a rest area and Kenny can tell that momma is upset. She says ‘Well, do you see what your nonstop driving has done? Do you see? Instead of being in a motel you've driven us straight into Hell!’ This sentence reveals her fear of where they are. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The morning they are going to leave, Kenny and Mr. Watson have a conversation in the car about why they are sending Byron to Birmingham. This is significant because it is the first time in the story where the challenges facing the Watson children as they grow up are addressed. This is also one of the first times we see Mr. Watson act in a serious way. He is usually making jokes about things and deals with most situations with humor. Mr. Watson talks about what they have seen on the news as Kenny recalls seeing the pictures of mad white people screaming and yelling, and making rude gestures to little Negro children who are just trying to go to school. Kenny does not understand why they would do that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“In the final two chapters of the book, the author brings to life one of the most tragic events during the Civil Rights movement: the bombing of an African American church and the murder of four young girls. One minute Kenny is lounging under a tree about to fall asleep, and then there is chaos after he hears a loud blast, and people start running towards the direction of the blast. Kenny describes the franticness of the people trying to get to the church. In his description of the scene at the church, we feel the fear and anguish of the people. He describes them as ‘a river of scared brown bodies’. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How often does a book make you laugh, cry and really, truly think about the world and all its injustices? Well, the author Christopher Paul Curtis has us holding our stomachs from pains of laughter as we read his novel The Watsons go to Birmingham - 1963. Our enjoyment continues throughout the book as 8-year-old Kenny tells us about his family, the Weird Watsons, including the trials and tribulations of growing up with a lazy eye, and an amazing intellect mixed in with a bit of gullibility.

Most readers will find they commiserate with Kenny's problems with his older, punk brother Byron who, without the intervention of a caring, worried family, will probably end up in jail. When I talk to other readers of this book, I find that they, too, have a father who lovingly teases their mother and enjoys laughing as much as Daniel Watson. Mom, Wilona Watson, is a complex woman -- self-conscious and quiet -- yet will take on her oldest son's foolish and scary behavior with fervor and conviction, even though it is breaking her heart. Five-year-old Joella rounds out the Weird Watsons and we learn about her through her family interactions. Through the voice of Kenny, Mr. Curtis has the reader questioning a humanity that judges people based on the color of their skin, and rooting for a family who manages to love each other and stay above the fray during one of the most turbulent times in history.

What pulls the reader through the novel are Kenny's stories. We learn that Kenny has been poked fun at all through school and the author realistically depicts the scenes in which Kenny is the butt of some ugly joke or prank. Kenny's conflicts are often with his peers, and he is relieved when an even weirder kid named Rufus gets on the bus. "Whew," he thinks, "I won't be the one who is picked on anymore." While trying to get out from under the painful and almost daily humiliation, Kenny realizes he's hurt the only good friend he's made - Rufus. I think we can all commiserate with how Kenny wants to fit in. Through his writing, the author keeps us thinking about the kids we know who are like Rufus and Kenny. He implores us to think about how fitting in with the crowd can be dangerous, and he highlights the intestinal fortitude some children have to take the abuse and maintain their kind and loving hearts.

Kenny's narration also details Byron's conflict with his world in general. While Byron pokes fun at and plays jokes on his gullible little brother, we see a few glimmers of kindness in Byron, like when he doesn't make fun of Kenny's incredible reading talents and "kinda-sorta" acts proud of him. Byron's relationship with this mother is complex, and while Daniel sometimes laughs it off, we find Wilona struggling to control her anger at Byron and her sheer terror at the thought of what could become of him if he continues on the self-destructive road we find him on during most of the book.

Finally, the thread that weaves throughout the novel is the discrimination of blacks. It's not shouted out at the reader, but instead we get glimpses of the hostility based on the family's experiences. Daniel makes fun of Wilona being from Birmingham, Alabama and basically feels that there is no way in God's Green Earth he will move his family to the South where lynchings are still occurring. Wilona loves her mama and wants to be home where it is warm, but you can interpret that she agrees with Daniel -- the North olds more opportunities for them than the South. When the family decides to take Byron to Birmingham to live with Wilona's Grandma, we find the family encountering more prejudice as they travel. And then there's the climax, where we find Joella at Church on the day white men set bombs in the basement and killed three young girls.

The importance of a loving family is obvious in this deeply moving book. The Weird Watsons, we find, are no weirder than any other family. Kenny's problems in school are similar to other children's problems and we've all met boys like Byron who turn out okay in the end. Mothers sometimes go to extremes to protect their children and while we don't agree with how Wilona handles Byron's pyromania tendencies, we understand that she is scared for her son. So sit down and turn the pages of this amazingly realistic account of an average black family in the 1960's -- you won't regret it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes an analysis of the text and makes connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the relationships between some of the characters in the story. He/she is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the essay. (“Daniel makes fun of Wilona being from Birmingham, Alabama and basically feels that there is no way in God's Green Earth he will move his family to the South where lynchings are still occurring. Wilona loves her mama and wants to be home where it is warm, but you can interpret that she agrees with Daniel -- the North olds more opportunities for them than the South. When the family decides to take Byron to Birmingham to live with Wilona's Grandma, we find the family encountering more prejudice as they travel. ”)

The essay contains details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Most readers will find they commiserate with Kenny's problems with his older, punk brother Byron who, without the intervention of a caring, worried family, will probably end up in jail. When I talk to other readers of this book, I find that they, too, have a father who lovingly teases their mother and enjoys laughing as much as Daniel Watson. Mom, Wilona Watson, is a complex woman -- self-conscious and quiet -- yet will take on her oldest son's foolish and scary behavior with fervor and conviction, even though it is breaking her heart. Five-year-old Joella rounds out the Weird Watsons and we learn about her through her family interactions. Through the voice of Kenny, Mr. Curtis has the reader questioning a humanity that judges people based on the color of their skin, and rooting for a family who manages to love each other and stay above the fray during one of the most turbulent times in history. ”)

The writer demonstrates an awareness of audience by informing the readers about some of the realistic views of the time period in which the story takes place. (“Finally, the thread that weaves throughout the novel is the discrimination of blacks. It's not shouted out at the reader, but instead we get glimpses of the hostility based on the family's experiences. Daniel makes fun of Wilona being from Birmingham, Alabama and basically feels that there is no way in God's Green Earth he will move his family to the South where lynchings are still occurring. Wilona loves her mama and wants to be home where it is warm, but you can interpret that she agrees with Daniel -- the North olds more opportunities for them than the South. When the family decides to take Byron to Birmingham to live with Wilona's Grandma, we find the family encountering more prejudice as they travel. And then there's the climax, where we find Joella at Church on the day white men set bombs in the basement and killed three young girls. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are developed using clear references to the story, with relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses a few direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay as well.

The writer uses details that highlight some of the realistic views occurring during the course of the story. (“Kenny's narration also details Byron's conflict with his world in general. While Byron pokes fun at and plays jokes on his gullible little brother, we see a few glimmers of kindness in Byron, like when he doesn't make fun of Kenny's incredible reading talents and ‘kinda-sorta’ acts proud of him. Byron's relationship with this mother is complex, and while Daniel sometimes laughs it off, we find Wilona struggling to control her anger at Byron and her sheer terror at the thought of what could become of him if he continues on the self-destructive road we find him on during most of the book.”)

The writer includes specific details, paraphrasing of dialogue, or direct quotes (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Kenny's conflicts are often with his peers, and he is relieved when an even weirder kid named Rufus gets on the bus. ‘Whew,’ he thinks, ‘I won't be the one who is picked on anymore.’ While trying to get out from under the painful and almost daily humiliation, Kenny realizes he's hurt the only good friend he's made - Rufus. I think we can all commiserate with how Kenny wants to fit in. Through his writing, the author keeps us thinking about the kids we know who are like Rufus and Ken ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Most readers will find they commiserate with Kenny's problems with his older, punk brother Byron who, without the intervention of a caring, worried family, will probably end up in jail. When I talk to other readers of this book, I find that they, too, have a father who lovingly teases their mother and enjoys laughing as much as Daniel Watson. Mom, Wilona Watson, is a complex woman -- self-conscious and quiet -- yet will take on her oldest son's foolish and scary behavior with fervor and conviction, even though it is breaking her heart. Five-year-old Joella rounds out the Weird Watsons and we learn about her through her family interactions. Through the voice of Kenny, Mr. Curtis has the reader questioning a humanity that judges people based on the color of their skin, and rooting for a family who manages to love each other and stay above the fray during one of the most turbulent times in history.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization of ideas in the essay. He/she provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention by posing a provocative question and then asserting a clear controlling/central idea that will lead the readers through the essay. (“How often does a book make you laugh, cry and really, truly think about the world and all its injustices? Well, the author Christopher Paul Curtis has us holding our stomachs from pains of laughter as we read his novel The Watsons go to Birmingham - 1963. Our enjoyment continues throughout the book as 8-year-old Kenny tells us about his family, the Weird Watsons, including the trials and tribulations of growing up with a lazy eye, and an amazing intellect mixed in with a bit of gullibility. ”)

Subtle transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Finally, the thread that weaves throughout the novel is the discrimination of blacks. It's not shouted out at the reader, but instead we get glimpses of the hostility based on the family's experiences. Daniel makes fun of Wilona being from Birmingham, Alabama and basically feels that there is no way in God's Green Earth he will move his family to the South where lynchings are still occurring. Wilona loves her mama and wants to be home where it is warm, but you can interpret that she agrees with Daniel -- the North olds more opportunities for them than the South. When the family decides to take Byron to Birmingham to live with Wilona's Grandma, we find the family encountering more prejudice as they travel. And then there's the climax, where we find Joella at Church on the day white men set bombs in the basement and killed three young girls. ”)

The essay contains an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The importance of a loving family is obvious in this deeply moving book. The Weird Watsons, we find, are no weirder than any other family. Kenny's problems in school are similar to other children's problems and we've all met boys like Byron who turn out okay in the end. Mothers sometimes go to extremes to protect their children and while we don't agree with how Wilona handles Byron's pyromania tendencies, we understand that she is scared for her son. So sit down and turn the pages of this amazingly realistic account of an average black family in the 1960's -- you won't regret it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The essay reflects the writer's use of consistent language and tone. (“Kenny's narration also details Byron's conflict with his world in general. While Byron pokes fun at and plays jokes on his gullible little brother, we see a few glimmers of kindness in Byron, like when he doesn't make fun of Kenny's incredible reading talents and ‘kinda-sorta’ acts proud of him. Byron's relationship with this mother is complex, and while Daniel sometimes laughs it off, we find Wilona struggling to control her anger at Byron and her sheer terror at the thought of what could become of him if he continues on the self-destructive road we find him on during most of the book. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“The importance of a loving family is obvious in this deeply moving book. The Weird Watsons, we find, are no weirder than any other family. Kenny's problems in school are similar to other children's problems and we've all met boys like Byron who turn out okay in the end. Mothers sometimes go to extremes to protect their children and while we don't agree with how Wilona handles Byron's pyromania tendencies, we understand that she is scared for her son.”)

The writer uses sophisticated word choices and complex sentence structures in many portions of the essay. (“Kenny's conflicts are often with his peers, and he is relieved when an even weirder kid named Rufus gets on the bus. ‘Whew,’ he thinks, ‘I won't be the one who is picked on anymore.’ While trying to get out from under the painful and almost daily humiliation, Kenny realizes he's hurt the only good friend he's made - Rufus. I think we can all commiserate with how Kenny wants to fit in. Through his writing, the author keeps us thinking about the kids we know who are like Rufus and Kenny. He implores us to think about how fitting in with the crowd can be dangerous, and he highlights the intestinal fortitude some children have to take the abuse and maintain their kind and loving hearts. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and there are line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“How often does a book make you laugh, cry and really, truly think about the world and all its injustices? Well, the author Christopher Paul Curtis has us holding our stomachs from pains of laughter as we read his novel The Watsons go to Birmingham - 1963. Our enjoyment continues throughout the book as 8-year-old Kenny tells us about his family, the Weird Watsons, including the trials and tribulations of growing up with a lazy eye, and an amazing intellect mixed in with a bit of gullibility.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Watson's Go To Birmingham - 1963 is about a family who lives in Flint, Michigan. The family members are Momma, Dad, Joetta, Kenneth, and Byron. Byron gets into trouble, so momma and dad take him to Birmingham, Alabama. His punishment is that he has to spend the summer with grandma sands. The Watson's are like us because they went through racism, they are an average family, and they experience a bombing of a church. The Watson's relate to most of our families today.

The Watson's went through racism in 1963. The racism was mainly toward the south. If they went outside of Birmingham, Alabama they could get themselves in deep trouble. They could be jailed or fined. African Americans also had strict rules to follow in Birmingham. The white people would not let African Americans into their school, so they had to make separate schools for them. African Americans couldn't go to the same parks, playgrounds, pools, hospitals, or bathrooms as the white people. They also did not have the right to vote.

The Watson's were just like other average families back in 1963. The father worked. The mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, and shopped. They had several children. They owned an old fashion car. Their car had a radio in it. It would cost them one dollar and twenty three cents for a half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a small can of tomato paste. The kids went to school like everybody else. They also experienced bullying and fights. The family got hair cuts and traveled to different places. They listen to music on the radio. They listened to Yakety Yak and Under The Boardwalk. They also listened to Nat King Cole and Dinah Washington.

They experienced something no one would want to experience. They experienced the church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama. People sad it sounded like a distant storm, but only thundered one long time. Every creature had froze in silence. There weren't any clouds or anything bright besides the sun. most people thought it was a sonic boom. Then people started to figure out what it really happened. Someone had dropped a bomb on their church. everyone in Birmingham ran down the street screaming and yelling. The people were yelling why and how could this have happened? The people the survived were carrying out children. It was hard to see inside the church because it was dark and there was lots of smoke. Others said it had looked like there was a tornado inside the church. Many people were injured and many had died.

To all these thing that went on in 1963, almost everyone experienced. There was racism, the bombing of a church, and then there were average families. In 1963, toward the south, there was a lot of racism. African Americans were made fun of and could go to the same schools as white people. The bombing of the church in Alabama was heartbreaking. Many people were killed. The families were just like how are families are today. They shopped, owned a car, listened to music, and had homes just like we do. In 1963, Birmingham Alabama, people lived average lives just like we do today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. For example, the writer explores the realistic event of the church bombing and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“They experienced something no one would want to experience. They experienced the church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama. People sad it sounded like a distant storm, but only thundered one long time. Every creature had froze in silence. There weren't any clouds or anything bright besides the sun. most people thought it was a sonic boom. Then people started to figure out what it really happened. Someone had dropped a bomb on their church. everyone in Birmingham ran down the street screaming and yelling. The people were yelling why and how could this have happened? The people the survived were carrying out children. It was hard to see inside the church because it was dark and there was lots of smoke. Others said it had looked like there was a tornado inside the church. Many people were injured and many had died.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. He/she makes consistent cultural and historic connections to demonstrate the realistic views presented in the story. (“The Watson's were just like other average families back in 1963. The father worked. The mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, and shopped. They had several children. They owned an old fashion car. Their car had a radio in it. It would cost them one dollar and twenty three cents for a half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a small can of tomato paste. The kids went to school like everybody else. They also experienced bullying and fights. The family got hair cuts and traveled to different places. They listen to music on the radio. They listened to Yakety Yak and Under The Boardwalk. They also listened to Nat King Cole and Dinah Washington.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or other informal language in the essay. (“To all these thing that went on in 1963, almost everyone experienced. There was racism, the bombing of a church, and then there were average families. In 1963, toward the south, there was a lot of racism. African Americans were made fun of and could go to the same schools as white people. The bombing of the church in Alabama was heartbreaking.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. The cultural examples included in the supporting details provide realistic views for the readers. (“The Watson's were just like other average families back in 1963. The father worked. The mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, and shopped. They had several children. They owned an old fashion car. Their car had a radio in it. It would cost them one dollar and twenty three cents for a half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a small can of tomato paste. The kids went to school like everybody else. They also experienced bullying and fights. The family got hair cuts and traveled to different places. They listen to music on the radio. They listened to Yakety Yak and Under The Boardwalk. They also listened to Nat King Cole and Dinah Washington.”)

The writer misses the opportunity to include quotations (by or about the main characters) from the text. In doing so, he/she could give deeper understanding to the thoughts of the characters and the realistic views presented in the story. (“Then people started to figure out what it really happened. Someone had dropped a bomb on their church. everyone in Birmingham ran down the street screaming and yelling. The people were yelling why and how could this have happened? The people the survived were carrying out children. It was hard to see inside the church because it was dark and there was lots of smoke. Others said it had looked like there was a tornado inside the church. Many people were injured and many had died.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“The Watson's went through racism in 1963. The racism was mainly toward the south. If they went outside of Birmingham, Alabama they could get themselves in deep trouble. They could be jailed or fined. African Americans also had strict rules to follow in Birmingham. The white people would not let African Americans into their school, so they had to make separate schools for them. African Americans couldn't go to the same parks, playgrounds, pools, hospitals, or bathrooms as the white people. They also did not have the right to vote.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing background information that connects the Watson family to realistic views of family life. (“The Watson's Go To Birmingham - 1963 is about a family who lives in Flint, Michigan. The family members are Momma, Dad, Joetta, Kenneth, and Byron. Byron gets into trouble, so momma and dad take him to Birmingham, Alabama. His punishment is that he has to spend the summer with grandma sands. The Watson's are like us because they went through racism, they are an average family, and they experience a bombing of a church. The Watson's relate to most of our families today. ”)

Although the writer employs a few subtle transitions within some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed to adequately connect ideas, especially between sentences. (“The Watson's were just like other average families back in 1963. The father worked. The mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, and shopped. They had several children. They owned an old fashion car. Their car had a radio in it. It would cost them one dollar and twenty three cents for a half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a small can of tomato paste. The kids went to school like everybody else. They also experienced bullying and fights. The family got hair cuts and traveled to different places. They listen to music on the radio. They listened to Yakety Yak and Under The Boardwalk. They also listened to Nat King Cole and Dinah Washington. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion. (“To all these thing that went on in 1963, almost everyone experienced. There was racism, the bombing of a church, and then there were average families. In 1963, toward the south, there was a lot of racism. African Americans were made fun of and could go to the same schools as white people. The bombing of the church in Alabama was heartbreaking. Many people were killed. The families were just like how are families are today. They shopped, owned a car, listened to music, and had homes just like we do. In 1963, Birmingham Alabama, people lived average lives just like we do today. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. He/she provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Notably, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety; however, he/she should combine shorter sentences to alleviate the choppy feel in portions of the essay.

Many sentences are short and choppy. The writer should combine related thoughts to create more complex sentence structures. (“The Watson's were just like other average families back in 1963. The father worked. The mother was a stay at home mom. She cooked, cleaned, and shopped. They had several children. They owned an old fashion car. Their car had a radio in it. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice while explaining the realistic aspects of the story. (“They experienced something no one would want to experience. They experienced the church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama. People sad it sounded like a distant storm, but only thundered one long time. Every creature had froze in silence. There weren't any clouds or anything bright besides the sun. most people thought it was a sonic boom. Then people started to figure out what it really happened. Someone had dropped a bomb on their church. everyone in Birmingham ran down the street screaming and yelling. The people were yelling why and how could this have happened? The people the survived were carrying out children. It was hard to see inside the church because it was dark and there was lots of smoke. Others said it had looked like there was a tornado inside the church. Many people were injured and many had died. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“The Watson's Go To Birmingham - 1963 is about a family who lives in Flint, Michigan. The family members are Momma, Dad, Joetta, Kenneth, and Byron. Byron gets into trouble, so momma and dad take him to Birmingham, Alabama. His punishment is that he has to spend the summer with grandma sands. The Watson's are like us because they went through racism, they are an average family, and they experience a bombing of a church. The Watson's relate to most of our families today. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer needs to adequately ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“They experienced something no one would want to experience. They experienced the church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama. People sad it sounded like a distant storm, but only thundered one long time. Every creature had froze in silence. There weren't any clouds or anything bright besides the sun. most people thought it was a sonic boom. Then people started to figure out what it really happened. Someone had dropped a bomb on their church. everyone in Birmingham ran down the street screaming and yelling. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Watsons Go to Birmingham is a realistic book. It is realistic because it had racism and old fashioned things. It also had good detail.

In the beginning Flint was very cold and it really is cold in Flint at times. How the Watsons didn't have heat is sort of old fashioned because most houses these days have heaters to help heat the house. The Watsons had a good solution for the cold because they all bundled up together with blankets. Byron is a teenager and some teenagers would try to act all cool and not bundle up with their family, which is realistic. When the father asked Kenny and Byron to scrape off the windshield it's realistic too because when it's cold and snowy windshields do get frozen. When Byron gets stuck to the outside mirror because it was so cold and it is possible to get stuck to something if it's really cold.

When Momma puts too much clothes on Kenny and Joey is realistic because mothers do worry about their child being warm. Then when Kenny gets all the scarves and hats off Joey he says it has a really nice smell comes out and that probably would happen. When Kenny tries to get his sister's boots off they're hard to get her feet out of and if boots are too tight they are hard to pull off. Then Joey is tired of having to wear all the extra clothes and she starts to get upset. Kenny tells Byron and he makes up a fake story to make Joey glad she wears all the extra clothes. It's something that a teenager would say to a little brother or sister.

Momma tells Byron to stop playing with matches and he still plays with them. It's like teenagers to not listen to their parents. Byron eventually gets caught and he should have known he would have. When momma does find out she is ready to punish Byron. It seems like an old fashioned way to burn your child's fingers as punishment like she does.

When Byron gets a conk it's sort of old fashion for a boy to get a conk. Most people these days don't get conks anyway. When Momma flings his hair it sticks up. Byron doesn't think it through and he ends up getting punished because he got the conk. The way Dad punishes him is sort of old fashion because most parents wouldn't shave their child's hair off like he did.

The last reason it is realistic is because of the racism. These days the racism isn't an issue anymore. In the book it is bad. When the Watsons go on their trip to grandmas they had to turn off all their lights and be sneaky at the one Cincinnati rest stop. The most realistic part was when the bomb went off in the church in Birmingham. The three little girls did die. That really happened in Birmingham.

That is why The Watsons Go to Birmingham is a very realistic book. It had the real bomb that happened in Birmingham. It had parts of how the parents would use to punish their kids. It had things that teenagers and kids would act like or do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer neglects to assert a strong central/controlling idea that reflects the requirements of the prompt task. (“The Watsons Go to Birmingham is a realistic book. It is realistic because it had racism and old fashioned things. It also had good detail.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the realistic events occurring in the story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of relevant details renders the essay limited at best. (“When Momma puts too much clothes on Kenny and Joey is realistic because mothers do worry about their child being warm. Then when Kenny gets all the scarves and hats off Joey he says it has a really nice smell comes out and that probably would happen. When Kenny tries to get his sister's boots off they're hard to get her feet out of and if boots are too tight they are hard to pull off. Then Joey is tired of having to wear all the extra clothes and she starts to get upset.”)

The writer needs to focus more details that support the realistic views highlighted in the story. (“The last reason it is realistic is because of the racism. These days the racism isn't an issue anymore. In the book it is bad. When the Watsons go on their trip to grandmas they had to turn off all their lights and be sneaky at the one Cincinnati rest stop. The most realistic part was when the bomb went off in the church in Birmingham. The three little girls did die. That really happened in Birmingham.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Momma tells Byron to stop playing with matches and he still plays with them. It's like teenagers to not listen to their parents. Byron eventually gets caught and he should have known he would have. When momma does find out she is ready to punish Byron. It seems like an old fashioned way to burn your child's fingers as punishment like she does.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“When Momma puts too much clothes on Kenny and Joey is realistic because mothers do worry about their child being warm. Then when Kenny gets all the scarves and hats off Joey he says it has a really nice smell comes out and that probably would happen. When Kenny tries to get his sister's boots off they're hard to get her feet out of and if boots are too tight they are hard to pull off. Then Joey is tired of having to wear all the extra clothes and she starts to get upset. Kenny tells Byron and he makes up a fake story to make Joey glad she wears all the extra clothes. It's something that a teenager would say to a little brother or sister.”)

Oftentimes, the writer includes details that are not relevant to the topic sentence in the body paragraph. The inclusion of this information only serves to confuse the readers. (“Byron is a teenager and some teenagers would try to act all cool and not bundle up with their family, which is realistic. When the father asked Kenny and Byron to scrape off the windshield it's realistic too because when it's cold and snowy windshields do get frozen. When Byron gets stuck to the outside mirror because it was so cold and it is possible to get stuck to something if it's really cold.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of ideas in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer’s introduction does very little to engage the readers. There is no relevant background information or clearly expressed thesis statement to guide the readers through the essay. (“The Watsons Go to Birmingham is a realistic book. It is realistic because it had racism and old fashioned things. It also had good detail.”)

T ransitional devices are needed to help connect ideas. (“When Momma puts too much clothes on Kenny and Joey is realistic because mothers do worry about their child being warm. Then when Kenny gets all the scarves and hats off Joey he says it has a really nice smell comes out and that probably would happen. When Kenny tries to get his sister's boots off they're hard to get her feet out of and if boots are too tight they are hard to pull off. Then Joey is tired of having to wear all the extra clothes and she starts to get upset. Kenny tells Byron and he makes up a fake story to make Joey glad she wears all the extra clothes. It's something that a teenager would say to a little brother or sister.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the writer move from one main idea to the next in the essay.

The writer’s conclusion only serves to restate the topic sentences of some of the body paragraphs. It does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“That is why The Watsons Go to Birmingham is a very realistic book. It had the real bomb that happened in Birmingham. It had parts of how the parents would use to punish their kids. It had things that teenagers and kids would act like or do.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the essay. The writer reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition of ideas in portions of the essay. (“When Byron gets a conk it's sort of old fashion for a boy to get a conk. Most people these days don't get conks anyway. When Momma flings his hair it sticks up. Byron doesn't think it through and he ends up getting punished because he got the conk.”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to discuss the realistic aspects of the story, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events for readers to relate to the realistic view of the historic event unfolding during the course of the story. (“The last reason it is realistic is because of the racism. These days the racism isn't an issue anymore. In the book it is bad. When the Watsons go on their trip to grandmas they had to turn off all their lights and be sneaky at the one Cincinnati rest stop. The most realistic part was when the bomb went off in the church in Birmingham. The three little girls did die. That really happened in Birmingham.”)

Weak sentence structures with insufficient variety render the writer’s voice limited at best. (“In the beginning Flint was very cold and it really is cold in Flint at times. How the Watsons didn't have heat is sort of old fashioned because most houses these days have heaters to help heat the house. The Watsons had a good solution for the cold because they all bundled up together with blankets. Byron is a teenager and some teenagers would try to act all cool and not bundle up with their family, which is realistic. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. Notably, the writer should ensure strong comma usage, particularly in dependent and independent clauses. (“When Byron gets a conk it's sort of old fashion for a boy to get a conk. Most people these days don't get conks anyway. When Momma flings his hair it sticks up. Byron doesn't think it through and he ends up getting punished because he got the conk. The way Dad punishes him is sort of old fashion because most parents wouldn't shave their child's hair off like he did.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

An African American family living in the South had a tough life. For example the South was a very racial charged place at the time. In the book "Watsons go to Bihrmingham" they explain what is was like living in the south. There were bombings and very racial coments going on at the time

In the book the Watsons go to Bihrmingham they use fictional characters to tella story of what things occured in Bhimingham Alabama. At the end of the book two white men bomb an African American church. That part of rthe book was not fictional. On September 15, 1963, two white men bombed an African American church. When they bombed the church they killed four girls. Their names were "Addie Mea Collins", "Denise Mclair", "Carole Robertson", and "Cynthia Wesly".

But if the watsons were not African American they would never had to put up with any of the problems in Bhirmingham. If the Watsons were white then the white people would treat them with respect, wich was a very sad problem. For example, because the watsons were black, the white policemen would not help them if they called the police. Also when the police were called for the church bombing the police did not help to find the two white men that did it.

Most of all the racialy charged states were in the south. So if the watsons or any African American family would go to a state in thne north like New york or pennsylvania they would not have encountered any problems like they did in Bhgimingham.

And if they would have gone to New York or Pennsylvania it would have been just like Flint Michigain. There would not be any chuch bombing or racial coments.

Even through things have changed through time in the sixties. There are still problems with racial coments. Although things were not as bad as they were in the sixties.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling/central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the realistic events of living in “the South”; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the essay is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“An African American family living in the South had a tough life. For example the South was a very racial charged place at the time. In the book ‘Watsons go to Bihrmingham’ they explain what is was like living in the south. There were bombings and very racial coments going on at the time.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas for the realistic views included in the story. (“Most of all the racialy charged states were in the south. So if the watsons or any African American family would go to a state in thne north like New york or pennsylvania they would not have encountered any problems like they did in Bhgimingham. And if they would have gone to New York or Pennsylvania it would have been just like Flint Michigain. There would not be any chuch bombing or racial coments.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support the main ideas or the chronology of the story. (“In the book the Watsons go to Bihrmingham they use fictional characters to tella story of what things occured in Bhimingham Alabama. At the end of the book two white men bomb an African American church. That part of rthe book was not fictional. On September 15, 1963, two white men bombed an African American church. When they bombed the church they killed four girls. Their names were ‘Addie Mea Collins’, ‘Denise Mclair’, ‘Carole Robertson’, and ‘Cynthia Wesly’. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address some of the realistic events that occurred during the time period highlighted in the story but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“Most of all the racialy charged states were in the south. So if the watsons or any African American family would go to a state in thne north like New york or pennsylvania they would not have encountered any problems like they did in Bhgimingham. And if they would have gone to New York or Pennsylvania it would have been just like Flint Michigain. There would not be any chuch bombing or racial coments.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the writer’s main ideas. (“But if the watsons were not African American they would never had to put up with any of the problems in Bhirmingham. If the Watsons were white then the white people would treat them with respect, wich was a very sad problem. For example, because the watsons were black, the white policemen would not help them if they called the police. Also when the police were called for the church bombing the police did not help to find the two white men that did it.”)

The writer’s ideas are minimally developed and leave the readers with many questions. (“Even through things have changed through time in the sixties. There are still problems with racial coments. Although things were not as bad as they were in the sixties.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. There is an attempt to group information into paragraphs, but the information should be connected more adequately through effective transitions to promote the flow and sequence of ideas.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“An African American family living in the South had a tough life. For example the South was a very racial charged place at the time. In the book ‘Watsons go to Bihrmingham’ they explain what is was like living in the south. There were bombings and very racial coments going on at the time”)

Transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences to promote the flow and sequence of ideas. (“Most of all the racialy charged states were in the south. So if the watsons or any African American family would go to a state in thne north like New york or pennsylvania they would not have encountered any problems like they did in Bhgimingham. And if they would have gone to New York or Pennsylvania it would have been just like Flint Michigain. There would not be any chuch bombing or racial coments.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that summarizes the writer’s ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Even through things have changed through time in the sixties. There are still problems with racial coments. Although things were not as bad as they were in the sixties.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer reveals poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences structures are weak; they do not convey an effective message to the intended audience. (“An African American family living in the South had a tough life. For example the South was a very racial charged place at the time. In the book ‘Watsons go to Bihrmingham’ they explain what is was like living in the south. There were bombings and very racial coments going on at the time ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in some of the sentences in the essay. (“Even through things have changed through time in the sixties. There are still problems with racial coments. Although things were not as bad as they were in the sixties. ”)

There is repetition. (“In the book the Watsons go to Bihrmingham they use fictional characters to tella story of what things occured in Bhimingham Alabama. At the end of the book two white men bomb an African American church. That part of rthe book was not fictional. On September 15, 1963, two white men bombed an African American church. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“In the book the Watsons go to Bihrmingham they use fictional characters to tella story of what things occured in Bhimingham Alabama. At the end of the book two white men bomb an African American church. That part of rthe book was not fictional.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To me the author brought this story to life on the part when three what people bombed the church in killed 4 girls and when they was marching for their rights people kids went to jail and didn't get in trouble. So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people. People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails. just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders. in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections between the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling/central idea.

The writer does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine which events the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“To me the author brought this story to life on the part when three what people bombed the church in killed 4 girls and when they was marching for their rights people kids went to jail and didn't get in trouble. So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails. just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people. People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“To me the author brought this story to life on the part when three what people bombed the church in killed 4 girls and when they was marching for their rights people kids went to jail and didn't get in trouble. So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people. People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails. just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders. in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer does not provide a unified structure with a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“To me the author brought this story to life on the part when three what people bombed the church in killed 4 girls and when they was marching for their rights people kids went to jail and didn't get in trouble. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people. People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails. just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“So that tell us young people that we really got it good because back then people were getting for no reason they were getting killed because they didn't want our to be in the same school with their people. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“To me the author brought this story to life on the part when three what people bombed the church in killed 4 girls and when they was marching for their rights people kids went to jail and didn't get in trouble. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“People where getting killed for just smiling at a white lady or nice shoes or pants or nails. just anything but story can really people to life in touch them how them people bombed this innocent bystanders. in some people are still like that this days but now things different a lot of things have changed whites in the some school with blacks.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“A Rice Sandwich ”

Describe the personality characteristics Esperanza shows of herself throughout her first-person narrative. Explain how she shows these qualities in this story. Be sure to include examples to support your claims about Esperanza's personality.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

She is more determined than a dog after a bone, shyer than a child standing on stage about to perform, and far more vulnerable than even a hermit crab without its shell. She is the one and only Esperanza, the main character of Sandra Cisneros' novella, "A Rice Sandwich." The main problem that Esperanza is faced with is that she wanted to eat at the canteen at her school, but her mom insisted she stayed at home, and refused to give her a note allowing Esperanza to eat at school. With her mind set on what she wanted, Esperanza's mission throughout the story was to persuade her mother to let her eat at the canteen. She is faced with obstacles throughout the story and steps up to her challenges. She has a determined but shy and vulnerable character that will do anything to her limits to get what she wants, even if she thinks she is weak and unimportant.

Esperanza has a determined character that can persist through a long period of time to reach her goals. She states in "A Rice Sandwich," when trying to persuade her mom to let her eat at school, "... I can make my own lunch." This act of pleading shows Esperanza's determination in reaching her goal to eat at the canteen. She attempts continuously to persuade her mom to write her a note allowing her to stay at the canteen for lunch. Even if her mom refused, Esperanza would press her even more to get her heart's desire. Following that statement, Esperanza provides yet another persuasive reason for her mother to allow Esperanza to eat at the canteen. She says in a desperate manner, "If I ate at school, there would be less dishes to wash." Seeing that her mother was not accepting Esperanza's pleas, she developed one after another, continuing at a constant rate, which showed her determination towards her mission. One last example of Esperanza's determination is when she notes in "A Rice Sandwich" that her mom does give in to her request, but only after three long days of hearing Esperanza complain and plead about how her eating at school would benefit her mother in many ways. When a person remains steadfast on a decision, they persevere to get what they want. Her endless efforts to earn her mom's consent are a perfect demonstration of her determination. Despite her shyness, Esperanza easily maintains a determined character, and can overcome many obstacles that come in between her and her goals.

The main character in "A Rice Sandwich," Esperanza, does many things that would persuade someone into thinking that she was a brave soul, but overall, she has a shy character. One detail that substantiates the fact that Esperanza is shy is when she tells the reader that she finally mustered up the courage to ask her mom to let her eat at the canteen. The statement gives the reader the impression that Esperanza usually cannot gain enough courage to ask anyone for anything. Not being able to communicate with others comfortably is a sign that signals to others that a person is shy. A second example of Esperanza's shyness is when the nun that supervised the canteen realized that Esperanza was present. When asked what she was doing here, instead of explaining to the nun with words, Esperanza mutely hands the nun the note that she had practically forced her mother to write. The incident showed that Esperanza had an apprehensive character because it reveals that she does not like to talk that much, and people with shy personalities do not often like to talk either. Last but not least, on final example of how Esperanza shows throughout this short story that she is shy is when in Sister Superior's office, Esperanza is asked to show the principal her house, she says yes when a shabby, unattractive, and unalluring house is pointed towards, even though she knows it is not. Esperanza's shy personality is shown when this event occurs because if she were a brave person, Esperanza would have stood up for herself and corrected the principal's assumption, by telling her directly eye to eye where she lived. Because she did not do this, Esperanza revealed that she did not have enough courage to defend herself when someone is trying to put her down by scolding her, even if the opposing side is clearly wrong. Even though Esperanza does some pretty brave things in "A Rice Sandwich," her overall view of herself as a shy girl is accurate.

A shy personality gives a person vulnerability to other character's comments and actions. Since Esperanza is shy, the burden of being vulnerable to others was also imposed on her. They all affect her in a way, whether it be big or small. The first hint that Esperanza gives the reader that she is vulnerable is when she tells her mother about how her sister Nenny, can eat away from home. Nenny had told Esperanza that she and her friend Gloria, ate at Gloria's house, and they got to watch cartoons all noon. Esperanza's whole view of this situation is altered by the statement that Nenny made, because she now thinks that eating away from home is cool, and you could have a better time elsewhere. Another event that show's Esperanza's vulnerability to others is when she breaks down crying in Sister Superior's office after she scolds Esperanza for supposedly lying. Esperanza is sensitive to Sister Superior's words, and feels like she is being put down on. The principal's words affect her in a bigger way in this case, and leaves an imprint on her soul. The last event in "A Rice Sandwich" that reveals her vulnerable side is when she cries when the children in the canteen just look at her oddly while she is eating her sandwich. Esperanza felt like the kids were silently taunting and looking down on her. Esperanza's shyness made her vulnerable to others, and not willing to defend herself.

Overall, Esperanza can be described as a shy and vulnerable, but determined young girl. She persevered through her obstacles to overcome them, didn't speak when spoken to because she was shy, and cried when someone scolded her because of her vulnerability to words. Those are three different situations where Esperanza could be seen revealing one of her many traits. At the end of the amusing novella, she ends up crying and eating her "cold and greasy" rice sandwich on the ground with many onlookers that were quick to judge, but knowing that she has a determined character, she will get through this unlucky turn of events, and move on to make more mistakes, but at least something will be learned from them. "A Rice Sandwich" is about a lost little girl that is trying to be "special" and noticed. According to Cisneros, "special" is Esperanza's way of saying "cool" or "popular." Of course, we all know that eating at school does not classify someone as "cool", but many stories have many odd worlds of their own. You can never know what to expect.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful analysis, the author not only identifies and maintains Esperanza’s various personality characteristics but completes the task at a high level through an exceptional analysis of the literary techniques the author uses to communicate the story. The author shows a clear understanding of the central idea (“She has a determined but shy and vulnerable character that will do anything to her limits to get what she wants, even if she thinks she is weak and unimportant.”) and makes effective connections between the character and the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the story is thorough and accurate. The author cites directly from the original story and explains how these particular quotes help support his/her position. (“Following that statement, Esperanza provides yet another persuasive reason for her mother to allow Esperanza to eat at the canteen. She says in a desperate manner, ’If I ate at school, there would be less dishes to wash.’ Seeing that her mother was not accepting Esperanza's pleas, she developed one after another, continuing at a constant rate, which showed her determination towards her mission.”) The author elaborates on each point by incorporating supporting information from the text and then thoroughly explaining it. The wide variety of details and examples give the thesis strong credibility.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction immediately grabs the reader’s attention. (“She is more determined than a dog after a bone, shyer than a child standing on stage about to perform, and far more vulnerable than even a hermit crab without its shell. She is the one and only Esperanza, the main character of Sandra Cisneros' novella, ‘A Rice Sandwich.’”) Each body paragraph begins with an effective topic sentence (“The main character in ‘A Rice Sandwich,’ Esperanza, does many things that would persuade someone into thinking that she was a brave soul, but overall, she has a shy character.”) and transitional devices (“One last example” and “Even though”). The conclusion effectively sums up the response and addresses that larger theme. (“ ’A Rice Sandwich’ is about a lost little girl that is trying to be ‘special’ and noticed. According to Cisneros, ‘special’ is Esperanza's way of saying ‘cool’ or ‘popular.’”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice, a good example of which is seen in the introduction. Sentence structure in this response is varied and effective. (“Because she did not do this, Esperanza revealed that she did not have enough courage to defend herself when someone is trying to put her down by scolding her, even if the opposing side is clearly wrong. Even though Esperanza does some pretty brave things in ‘A Rice Sandwich,’ her overall view of herself as a shy girl is accurate.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely without errors in mechanics and conventions, the mistakes in punctuation and grammar (“The principal's words affect her in a bigger way in this case, and leaves an imprint on her soul. “) are few and do not detract from the overall appearance of the essay.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Esperanza wants desperately to eat lunch in the canteen at school. The canteen is only for kids who live too far away from school to go home for lunch. Esperanza lives neither near nor far from the school. At first, Esperanza's mother refuses to let her eat in the canteen, but after three days of Esperanza's whining, she gives in. A letter is written to Sister Superior, asking that Esperanza be allowed to eat lunch in the canteen. One of the nuns in the canteen sees Esperanza and sends her to Sister Superior to make sure Esperanza can eat lunch at school. At first, Sister Superior reads the letter and says she doesn't live far enough from school, but after Esperanza bursts into tears she decides to let her eat in the canteen for one day. Throughout the story, you can see many of Esperanza's character traits. Some are physical weakness, shyness and timid-ness, stubbornness and manipulative-ness.

Esperanza is physically weak. She has an anemic wrist and "can't even blow up a balloon without getting dizzy." In her letter to Sister Superior, Esperanza's mother expresses concern about her daughter's health. "As you can see she is very skinny. I hope to God she does not faint," she writes.

Esperanza is sometimes very shy and timid. When the nun in the canteen asks her, "You, who sent you here?" she is too shy to answer and merely holds up the letter. When the nun sends her to Sister Superior, she meekly obeys. She bursts into tears in Sister Superior's office because, she says, "I always cry when nuns yell at me, even if they're not yelling."

Esperanza can also be very stubborn and manipulative, although sometimes the results of this trait are not what she desired. When she decided to eat lunch in the canteen, she wouldn't back down, even when her mother said no. She whined and complained and argued with her mother for three days. "If I ate at school there'd be less dishes to wash. You would see me less and less and like me better," she says. Finally, Esperanza succeeded in convincing her mother to let her eat in the canteen. However, she ended up having a miserable lunch and realizing that the canteen was nothing special.

The author of "A Rice Sandwich" has created a very realistic character in Esperanza. She is physically weak and can be very shy, especially around nuns. However, she can also be very stubborn and manipulative when she sets her mind on something, like I'm sure almost everyone is. Things don't always turn out right for her, either, which is something everyone can relate to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author completes a thorough analysis of the various personality traits Esperanza exhibits. Clear connections are made between the “A Rice Sandwich” and the assigned task. The author establishes a strong controlling idea. (“Throughout the story, you can see many of Esperanza's character traits. Some are physical weakness, shyness and timid-ness, stubbornness and manipulative-ness.”)

Content & Development

The author develops ideas fully and clearly by using accurate details and citing specific quotes from the story to support the arguments. (“Esperanza is physically weak. She has an anemic wrist and ‘can't even blow up a balloon without getting dizzy.’ In her letter to Sister Superior, Esperanza's mother expresses concern about her daughter's health. ‘As you can see she is very skinny. I hope to God she does not faint,’ she writes.”) Good content and development are evident in this response.

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction appropriately summarizes “A Rice Sandwich” and establishes a central idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device. (“Esperanza can also be very stubborn and manipulative, although sometimes the results of this trait are not what she desired.”) The conclusion of the essay appropriately reiterates the author’s main points. (“The author of "A Rice Sandwich" has created a very realistic character in Esperanza. She is physically weak and can be very shy, especially around nuns.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and language use. Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Finally, Esperanza succeeded in convincing her mother to let her eat in the canteen. However, she ended up having a miserable lunch and realizing that the canteen was nothing special.”) The style demonstrated in this essay is certainly appropriate and demonstrates an awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Generally, the response shows very good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Minor errors in grammar (“timid-ness, stubbornness and manipulative-ness”), and punctuation do appear, but they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Esperanto Cordero is a very small, shy, and a very skinny and regular girl who wants to eat in the canteen instead of at home.

Esperanza is a small girl that is about six or seven. Her mother says that she hopes to God she does not faint because she is so skinny. Esperqanza lives with her mother and possible to or three brothers and sisters.

Esperanza walks back and forth from school every single day(This includes lunchtime). Esperanza's mother. Mrs. Cordero says in the note that she wrote to sister superior that Esperanza becomes very exhausted walking back and forth from her school to her house. Esperanza attends a nearby Catholic School . The school is three to five blocks away from the apartment that she lives in.

Esperanza is a very shy girl. She is so shy, that when the lunchroom nun asked her what she was doing in the lunchroom instead of at home he didn't speak back. Esperanza only held out her hand and gave the lunchroom nun the note that Mrs. Cordero had written to sister superior (the principal).

Esperanza Cordero was very determined to eat in the canteen. She asked her mother for three days straight if she could eat in the canteen with the other kids. Mrs. Cordero said no to Esperanza because she said that it would be inventing more work for her and she would b up all night cutting bread into little triangles.

After three days of asking Mrs. Cordero finally said that Esperanza could eat in the canteen. Mrs. Cordero wrote a note asking if it was okay for Esperanza to eat in the canteen. Since Esperanza was not a regular lunchroom kid the note had to be looked at by sister superior.

Esperanza who is very shy, always cries when nuns yell at her even if they aren't yealling. Sister Superior knew that Esperanza lived close. But when Esperanza started to cry sister superior said that she could stay, but only for that day.

Esperanza being a regular kid wanted to eat in the cafeteria or the canteen eith the other kids that have keys around their necks. She says the name "canteen" sounds important. Esperanza Cordero doen not eat a regular sandweich with lunch meat, lettuce, mustard, and tomatoes like everyone else.

Instead, Esperanza ate a ricer sandwich because her mother ran out of lunch meat. Esperanza ate in the canteen crying with her bread greasy and her rice already cold.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author clearly attempts to analyze the character’s various personality traits in the story. There is an obvious attempt made at establishing a central idea. (“Esperanto Cordero is a very small, shy, and a very skinny and regular girl who wants to eat in the canteen instead of at home.”) This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes implied connections between the task and the text.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, the student doesn’t simply state that Esperanza is determined. Rather, examples from the text are presented to support this idea. (“Esperanza Cordero was very determined to eat in the canteen. She asked her mother for three days straight if she could eat in the canteen with the other kids. Mrs. Cordero said no to Esperanza because she said that it would be inventing more work for her and she would b up all night cutting bread into little triangles. After three days of asking Mrs. Cordero finally said that Esperanza could eat in the canteen.”) Adequate content and development are exhibited in the response.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. Although the introduction needs improvement, as it consists of only one statement, the body paragraphs are focused around key personality traits. Each one begins with a structured topic sentence. (“Esperanza who is very shy, always cries when nuns yell at her even if they aren't yealling.”) The conclusion, like the introduction, could be further developed; however, it is noticeable and discusses the results of Esperanza’s efforts. (“Instead, Esperanza ate a ricer sandwich because her mother ran out of lunch meat. Esperanza ate in the canteen crying with her bread greasy and her rice already cold.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Sentences and word choice are adequate and appropriate for the intended audience. (“But when Esperanza started to cry sister superior said that she could stay, but only for that day. Esperanza being a regular kid wanted to eat in the cafeteria or the canteen eith the other kids that have keys around their necks. She says the name ‘canteen’ sounds important.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation (“ sister superior”), spelling (“ Esperanto ” and “ yealling” ), and grammar. However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"A RICE SANDWICH ''

The main character is Esperanza Cordero, in the story " A Rice Sandwich." This story is mostly about how a little girl wants to be one of "The Special Kids." She thinks that even the name is important. She is shy, sensitive, persuasive, and a loner.

Esperanza is a shy little girl, that wants to be like everyone else. she wants to eat at the canteen. When she tried to go in the canteen , but they stop her asking her "who send you here?'' She's shy so she didn't say anything, but did show them the letter. they said'' That's no good till Sister Superior gives the okay."

Esperanza is a persuasive little girl. When Sister Superior told her " You don't live far." Esperanza started to cry. Sister Superior felt sorry and she let her stay to eat at the canteen. But Sister Superior said "Only for today, not tomorrow, the day after today you go home, ok."

Esperanza is a loner. after Sister Superior told her she can eat in the canteen, Esperanza left her office crying. In the canteen she ate her cold rice sandwich, but still crying.

Even though she was in the canteen she was still a loner. So the conclusion is that she still a loner eating in the ''Canteen.'' Know she thinks that its not important after all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“She is shy, sensitive, persuasive, and a loner.”) This response demonstrates only a limited analysis of the novel. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ Esperanza is a shy little girl, that wants to be like everyone else. she wants to eat at the canteen. When she tried to go in the canteen , but they stop her asking her ‘who send you here?’ She's shy so she didn't say anything …”), but they lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that signify Esperanza’s personality in the story, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the third paragraph, the student discusses the main character’s persuasiveness. (“When Sister Superior told her ‘You don't live far.’ Esperanza started to cry. Sister Superior felt sorry and she let her stay to eat at the canteen.”), but the example is not fully appropriate and needs further elaboration. The response could be improved with more specific and relevant evidence from the text.

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response. The author provides an introductory paragraph with a central idea and a conclusion. However, the conclusion does not restate the main points of the essay, and its focus is ultimately unclear. (“So the conclusion is that she still a loner eating in the 'Canteen.' Know she thinks that its not important after all.”) Paragraphing is noticeable in the body of the essay. However, it could further improved with transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is quite simple (“This story is mostly about how a little girl wants to be one of ‘The Special Kids.’ She thinks that even the name is important. She is shy, sensitive, persuasive, and a loner.”), it is not inappropriate for its audience. Although acceptable, the word choice lacks sufficient variety and complexity. (“Esperanza is a loner. after Sister Superior told her she can eat in the canteen, Esperanza left her office crying. In the canteen she ate her cold rice sandwich, but still crying.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“ Know she thinks”) , grammar (“ its not important”) , and punctuation (“ Esperanza is a shy little girl, that wants to be like everyone else. she wants to eat at the canteen. ”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "Rice Sandwich" the main character is Esperanza. Esperanza want to eat in the canteen with the stay-at-school kids. But her mother wont let her. Esperanza starts begging her mother for three days until her mother lets her. Esperanza mother wrote a letter to the sister superior. While she was waiting in line the women that takes care of the place came up to Esperanza.She tells her to go to sister superior office and then sister superior says she can only stay there for a day. Esperanza rice sandwich got cold and she started crying.

Esperanza is a shy little girl that has to get her way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates a minimal attempt at responding to the writing prompt. There is no clear controlling idea until the end of the response. (“Esperanza is a shy little girl that has to get her way.”) The analysis is insufficient and incomplete. The author fails to make connections between the text and the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The analysis in the essay is little more than a summary of the story. (“Esperanza want to eat in the canteen with the stay-at-school kids. But her mother wont let her. Esperanza starts begging her mother for three days until her mother lets her. Esperanza mother wrote a letter to the sister superior. While she was waiting in line the women that takes care of the place came up to Esperanza.She tells her to go to sister superior office and then sister superior says she can only stay there for a day.”)

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The entire essay consists of a single paragraph, which resembles an introduction of a more developed response. The student does not have a proper introductory paragraph or conclusion. While some transitional phrases are present (“While she was waiting”), they are insufficient.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre language to address his/her audience. Sentence structure is not completely inappropriate (“While she was waiting in line the women that takes care of the place came up to Esperanza.”), but word choice is not defined (“She tells her to go to sister superior office and then sister superior says she can only stay there for a day”). Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are noticeable in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“wont”), grammar (“Esperanza want to eat”), and mechanics (“Esperanza rice sandwich got cold“) detract from the look of this response.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This story is about a girl named esperanza,and that she wanted to eat in the canteen. the canteen was the cafeteria whee the kids that lived far away wnt to eat .esperanza didn't live far away but she didn't live ver .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. There is little semblance of a controlling idea (“This story is about a girl named esperanza,and that she wanted to eat in the canteen ”), and there are no connections made between the novel, the central idea, and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. The essay fails to develop any ideas or make references to the story. The author’s only attempt at developing an idea is too short and completely inappropriate. (“the canteen was the cafeteria whee the kids that lived far away wnt to eat .esperanza didn't live far away but she didn't live ver .”)

Organization

In the space of three lines, the reader cannot discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction and a conclusion. The response does not contain developed body paragraphs or transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This author evidently has difficulty using language appropriately. (“the canteen was the cafeteria whee the kids that lived far away wnt to eat .esperanza didn't live far away but she didn't live ver”) The major errors in sentence structure and word choice make this response incredibly difficult to understand.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response , the author demonstrates a lack of ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“ whee ”) , punctuation, and grammar (“ esperanza didn't live far away but she didn't live ver . ”) are very distracting to the reader.

“Abuelito Who” by Sandra Cisneros

In the poem "Abuelito Who," Cisneros describes a grandpa who has changed over the years.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you demonstrate your understanding of the poem and the author's message. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Abuelito was like a stuffed animal one played with for an entire lifetime, who eventually, became too torn up to play with anymore. In Sandra Cisneros's poem, "Abuelito Who," the narrator is experiencing the sadness and frustration death causes, as her ill grandfather is slowly but surely passing away. Abuelito is unable to tell the narrator the special things he used to or play fun games with her; he doesn't even look like himself anymore. The grandfather she knew so well is slipping through her fingers like sand. This is hard for the narrator, however, if her love for her grandfather is strong and pure enough, her Abuelito will always have a special place in her heart. After all, love is a connection that can never die.

Loving recollections emerged as the narrator imagined the days that Abuelito would spend his coins on her. Most grandparents give their grandchildren many things. The narrator received money from her grandpa like water droplets raining down from the sky. She recalls how Abuelito threw “coins like rain”. This means that he gave his money generously to his beloved granddaughter so that she could have her every heart’s desire. He would buy her candies, toys, and other novelties to show his love and affection for her. He just wanted his granddaughter to be happy and have a good life. Later in the poem however, she realizes, "Abuelito who is the rain on the roof that falls like coins" (line 21). This is showing that the melodic sound of rain will always remind her of her grandfather’s generosity and abundant affection for her. This imagery is so significant for the narrator now, because when it rains, she will always be reminded of him and will have the memory of him in her heart forever.

It is always the grandparents' job to tell you that you are the prettiest or the smartest or the fastest. the narrator's grandfather used to always tell her in Spanish, "You are my diamond," (line 7) and in English, "You are my sky." (line 8) Now Abuelito is too sick to tell her anything other than that he "can't come out to play" (line 10) because he "is tired; shut the door" (line 15). the narrator wants to hear those sweet, familiar words she used to hear continuously, but she is unable to because her grandfather is not well enough to converse with her. Abuelito used to always ask the narrator "who loves him" (line 2), but now the narrator is asking who loves her? She knows that her Abuelito really does love her, but it is so hard to remember that when she never hears that from him. The narrator just needs to remember that he is sick and not his usual self.

The narrator misses playing games with her Abuelito; he "can't come out to play" (line 10) anymore because he is extremely sick. The two probably used to play hide-and-go-seek together because when she describes the old, fun grandfather before he became ill, she says he "is hiding underneath the bed" (line 17) in reference to that memory. the narrator remembers the grandfather "who used to laugh like the letter k" (line 12) and strives to hear that once again. Abuelito is like a guard at Buckingham Palace who never cracks a smile under any condition, due to his illness. Maybe she believes that she might get a laugh out of him by playing a game or two, but he says he "is tired; shut the door" (line 15). So, she waits by his bed as he "snores up and down up and down up and down again" (line 20). the narrator, once again, just needs to understand that Abuelito is ill and he would be spending time with her if he had the strength.

To the narrator, Abuelito must be practically unrecognizable; a total stranger. He "is dough and feathers" (line 3) because he can't exercise, so his skin is heavy and soft. Her grandfather is exhausted all of the time now and his "little eyes are string" (line 9). Abuelito is so ill that he is depressed, and doesn't have anything to laugh like the letter "k" about (line 12) anymore. The narrator only hears him talking to her inside her head (line 18) and feels like the real grandfather she remembers is "hiding underneath the bed" (line 17). His spot out in the real world was stolen by an old man that "is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes" (line 19); the spoons feed him his food and medicine, the blankets keep him warm while he sleeps most of the day, and his big brown shoes lay unused beside his bed. This is not the Abuelito the narrator knows and loves; this is "Abuelito Who?" , an unrecognizable figure to her mind now. So, the narrator just needs to keep the image of the healthy Abuelito alive in her memory.

Love is a bond that can never be broken; love is a connection that will never die. Although the narrator is experiencing the cruel reality of life and death, she is still keeping memories, special moments, and stories of her Abuelito alive in her heart and mind. The more she continues to remember her grandfather and all of the wonderful times they have shared, all the more alive he will seem to be. Physically, the narrator's grandfather is very ill and his time to die will eventually come, as all of ours will. However, no one can ever die in the hearts, memories, and minds of those who truly and genuinely love them, just as the narrator loves her Abuelito.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“The narrator's grandfather used to always tell her in Spanish, ‘You are my diamond,’ (line 7) and in English, ‘You are my sky.’ (line 8) Now Abuelito is too sick to tell her anything other than that he ‘can't come out to play’ (line 10) because he ‘is tired; shut the door’ (line 15). The narrator wants to hear those sweet, familiar words she used to hear continuously, but she is unable to because her grandfather is not well enough to converse with her. Abuelito used to always ask the narrator ‘who loves him’ (line 2), but now the narrator is asking who loves her? She knows that her Abuelito really does love her, but it is so hard to remember that when she never hears that from him. The narrator just needs to remember that he is sick and not his usual self.”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. The writer is skillful in making meaningful connections between the imagery in the poem and his/her interpretation of the author’s intent. (“ To the narrator, Abuelito must be practically unrecognizable; a total stranger. He ‘is dough and feathers’ (line 3) because he can't exercise, so his skin is heavy and soft. Her grandfather is exhausted all of the time now and his ‘little eyes are string’ (line 9). Abuelito is so ill that he is depressed, and doesn't have anything to laugh like the letter ‘k’ about (line 12) anymore. The narrator only hears him talking to her inside her head (line 18) and feels like the real grandfather she remembers is ‘hiding underneath the bed’ (line 17). His spot out in the real world was stolen by an old man that ‘is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes’ (line 19); the spoons feed him his food and medicine, the blankets keep him warm while he sleeps most of the day, and his big brown shoes lay unused beside his bed. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In Sandra Cisneros's poem, ‘Abuelito Who,’ the narrator is experiencing the sadness and frustration death causes, as her ill grandfather is slowly but surely passing away. Abuelito is unable to tell the narrator the special things he used to or play fun games with her; he doesn't even look like himself anymore. The grandfather she knew so well is slipping through her fingers like sand. This is hard for the narrator, however, if her love for her grandfather is strong and pure enough, her Abuelito will always have a special place in her heart. After all, love is a connection that can never die. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The narrator misses playing games with her Abuelito; he ‘can't come out to play’ (line 10) anymore because he is extremely sick. The two probably used to play hide-and-go-seek together because when she describes the old, fun grandfather before he became ill, she says he ‘is hiding underneath the bed’ (line 17) in reference to that memory. The narrator remembers the grandfather ‘who used to laugh like the letter k’ (line 12) and strives to hear that once again. Abuelito is like a guard at Buckingham Palace who never cracks a smile under any condition, due to his illness. Maybe she believes that she might get a laugh out of him by playing a game or two, but he says he ‘is tired; shut the door’ (line 15). So, she waits by his bed as he ‘snores up and down up and down up and down again’ (line 20). ”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ His spot out in the real world was stolen by an old man that ‘is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes’ (line 19); the spoons feed him his food and medicine, the blankets keep him warm while he sleeps most of the day, and his big brown shoes lay unused beside his bed. This is not the Abuelito the narrator knows and loves; this is ‘Abuelito Who?’ , an unrecognizable figure to her mind now. So, the narrator just needs to keep the image of the healthy Abuelito alive in her memory. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ To the narrator, Abuelito must be practically unrecognizable; a total stranger. He ‘is dough and feathers’ (line 3) because he can't exercise, so his skin is heavy and soft. Her grandfather is exhausted all of the time now and his ‘little eyes are string’ (line 9). Abuelito is so ill that he is depressed, and doesn't have anything to laugh like the letter ‘k’ about (line 12) anymore. The narrator only hears him talking to her inside her head (line 18) and feels like the real grandfather she remembers is ‘hiding underneath the bed’ (line 17). ”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by comparing the narrator’s ailing grandfather to a worn-out stuffed animal. (“ Abuelito was like a stuffed animal one played with for an entire lifetime, who eventually, became too torn up to play with anymore. In Sandra Cisneros's poem, ‘Abuelito Who,’ the narrator is experiencing the sadness and frustration death causes, as her ill grandfather is slowly but surely passing away. Abuelito is unable to tell the narrator the special things he used to or play fun games with her; he doesn't even look like himself anymore. The grandfather she knew so well is slipping through her fingers like sand. This is hard for the narrator, however, if her love for her grandfather is strong and pure enough, her Abuelito will always have a special place in her heart. After all, love is a connection that can never die.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ She recalls how Abuelito threw ‘coins like rain’. This means that he gave his money generously to his beloved granddaughter so that she could have her every heart’s desire. He would buy her candies, toys, and other novelties to show his love and affection for her. He just wanted his granddaughter to be happy and have a good life. Later in the poem however, she realizes, ‘Abuelito who is the rain on the roof that falls like coins.’ (line 21). This is showing that the melodic sound of rain will always remind her of her grandfather’s generosity and abundant affection for her. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Love is a bond that can never be broken; love is a connection that will never die. Although the narrator is experiencing the cruel reality of life and death, she is still keeping memories, special moments, and stories of her Abuelito alive in her heart and mind. The more she continues to remember her grandfather and all of the wonderful times they have shared, all the more alive he will seem to be. Physically, the narrator's grandfather is very ill and his time to die will eventually come, as all of ours will. However, no one can ever die in the hearts, memories, and minds of those who truly and genuinely love them, just as the narrator loves her Abuelito.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events the narrator experienced as her grandfather grew weaker and unrecognizable. (“ The narrator misses playing games with her Abuelito; he ‘can't come out to play’ (line 10) anymore because he is extremely sick. The two probably used to play hide-and-go-seek together because when she describes the old, fun grandfather before he became ill, she says he ‘is hiding underneath the bed’ (line 17) in reference to that memory. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the grandfather’s slow decline for the readers, so that by the end of the analysis, the readers understand how the narrator eventually accepted her “new” relationship with her Abuelito, now that he is no longer physically present in her life. (“ Abuelito is so ill that he is depressed, and doesn't have anything to laugh like the letter ‘k’ about (line 12) anymore. The narrator only hears him talking to her inside her head (line 18) and feels like the real grandfather she remembers is ‘hiding underneath the bed’ (line 17). His spot out in the real world was stolen by an old man that ‘is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes’ (line 19); the spoons feed him his food and medicine, the blankets keep him warm while he sleeps most of the day, and his big brown shoes lay unused beside his bed. This is not the Abuelito the narrator knows and loves; this is ‘Abuelito Who?’ , an unrecognizable figure to her mind now.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ The narrator remembers the grandfather ‘who used to laugh like the letter k’ (line 12) and strives to hear that once again. Abuelito is like a guard at Buckingham Palace who never cracks a smile under any condition, due to his illness. Maybe she believes that she might get a laugh out of him by playing a game or two, but he says he ‘is tired; shut the door’ (line 15). So, she waits by his bed as he ‘snores up and down up and down up and down again’ (line 20). The narrator, once again, just needs to understand that Abuelito is ill and he would be spending time with her if he had the strength. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ It is always the grandparents' job to tell you that you are the prettiest or the smartest or the fastest. The narrator's grandfather used to always tell her in Spanish, ‘You are my diamond,’ (line 7) and in English, ‘You are my sky.’ (line 8) Now Abuelito is too sick to tell her anything other than that he ‘can't come out to play’ (line 10) because he ‘is tired; shut the door’ (line 15). The narrator wants to hear those sweet, familiar words she used to hear continuously, but she is unable to because her grandfather is not well enough to converse with her. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever missed someone whom you loved dearly? In the poem, "Abuelito Who" by author Sandra Cisneros, a young girl reminisces about her fun loving grandfather who recently died. The poem shows how people don't last forever, but memories do. Since the day that her grandfather, also known as "Abuelito", (in Spanish) died, the narrator has had no one to play games with her, buy her things, or tell her pretty thoughts. However, the love she has for her grandfather has given her memories to look back on and cherish.

The narrator always played games with her grandfather. She especially loved it when they played hide and seek. To this day, she still thinks he "is hiding underneath my bed" (line 17). From the time when her grandfather first started getting sick, she acknowledged "he can't come out to play" (line 10). She already started to miss her grandfather and felt she was losing him more and more each and every day. She would check on her grandfather to see how he was doing, but he never wanted to play. He simply would lay in his bed and only sit up to say, "I'm tired; shut the door" (line 15). One day he never woke up, now the narrator has no one to play with.

Abuelito, as she called him, loved spending money, buying the narrator things. The coins he spent were "like rain" (line 1) to her as they represented the pouring of his affection on her. He had bought her things like dolls, toys, and sometimes, even candy. He spoiled his granddaughter like any other grandfather would do for the one he loved. Now, the "rain on the roof falls like coins"(line 21), which reminds her of his plentiful generosity and the feeling of adornment he gave her. However, she also knew her grandfather had become like "a doorknob tied to a sour stick" (line 14) in that he was no longer as active, and his sweetness had soured as a result of his illness.

The narrator loved listening to her grandfather tell her pretty thoughts. The things that he said built her self-esteem and self-confidence. In Spanish, he would say "you are my diamond" (line 7) and in English, "you are my sky". (line 8) This made her feel loved. Since "Abuelito" died, he could no longer say those pretty things to her and be a part of her everyday life. "He talks to me inside my head" (line 18) shows how he is still special in her mind and heart. By remembering the things the narrator's grandfather said, she keeps the pretty thoughts in her memory forever.

Although Abuelito "doesn't live here anymore" (line 16), the narrator still imagines she plays games with him, he buys her things, and tells her pretty thoughts. As a result of reflecting on the loss of her grandfather, he became a bigger part of the narrator's heart and soul. Even though the death and sickness of others are very sad, it's a reality everyone has to experience at one time or another. However, if you remember someone and keep the memory alive, that special person will never die in your mind or in your soul.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the memories of a little girl as she watches the grandfather she loves transform from a vibrant, doting “Abuelito” to a gravely ill old man, right before her eyes. The writer is effective in painting “before and after” pictures and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Abuelito, as she called him, loved spending money, buying the narrator things. The coins he spent were ‘like rain’ (line 1) to her as they represented the pouring of his affection on her. He had bought her things like dolls, toys, and sometimes, even candy. He spoiled his granddaughter like any other grandfather would do for the one he loved. Now, the ‘rain on the roof falls like coins’ (line 21), which reminds her of his plentiful generosity and the feeling of adornment he gave her. However, she also knew her grandfather had become like ‘a doorknob tied to a sour stick’ (line 14) in that he was no longer as active, and his sweetness had soured as a result of his illness.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The narrator always played games with her grandfather. She especially loved it when they played hide and seek. To this day, she still thinks he ‘is hiding underneath my bed’ (line 17). From the time when her grandfather first started getting sick, she acknowledged ‘he can't come out to play’ (line 10). She already started to miss her grandfather and felt she was losing him more and more each and every day. She would check on her grandfather to see how he was doing, but he never wanted to play. He simply would lay in his bed and only sit up to say, ‘I'm tired; shut the door’ (line 15). One day he never woke up, now the narrator has no one to play with.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the narrator’s grandfather’s slow decline and how, eventually, he lived on in a new way for the narrator. (“ Since ‘Abuelito’ died, he could no longer say those pretty things to her and be a part of her everyday life. ‘He talks to me inside my head’ (line 18) shows how he is still special in her mind and heart. By remembering the things the narrator's grandfather said, she keeps the pretty thoughts in her memory forever. Although Abuelito ‘doesn't live here anymore’ (line 16), the narrator still imagines she plays games with him, he buys her things, and tells her pretty thoughts. As a result of reflecting on the loss of her grandfather, he became a bigger part of the narrator's heart and soul. Even though the death and sickness of others are very sad, it's a reality everyone has to experience at one time or another. However, if you remember someone and keep the memory alive, that special person will never die in your mind or in your soul.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The narrator always played games with her grandfather. She especially loved it when they played hide and seek. To this day, she still thinks he ‘is hiding underneath my bed’ (line 17). From the time when her grandfather first started getting sick, she acknowledged ‘he can't come out to play’ (line 10). She already started to miss her grandfather and felt she was losing him more and more each and every day. She would check on her grandfather to see how he was doing, but he never wanted to play. He simply would lay in his bed and only sit up to say, ‘I'm tired; shut the door’ (line 15).”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ The narrator loved listening to her grandfather tell her pretty thoughts. The things that he said built her self-esteem and self-confidence. In Spanish, he would say ‘you are my diamond’ (line 7) and in English, ‘you are my sky’. (line 8) This made her feel loved. Since ‘Abuelito’ died, he could no longer say those pretty things to her and be a part of her everyday life. ‘He talks to me inside my head’ (line 18) shows how he is still special in her mind and heart. By remembering the things the narrator's grandfather said, she keeps the pretty thoughts in her memory forever.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“He spoiled his granddaughter like any other grandfather would do for the one he loved. Now, the ‘rain on the roof falls like coins’ (line 21), which reminds her of his plentiful generosity and the feeling of adornment he gave her. However, she also knew her grandfather had become like ‘a doorknob tied to a sour stick’ (line 14) in that he was no longer as active, and his sweetness had soured as a result of his illness.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Have you ever missed someone whom you loved dearly? In the poem, ‘Abuelito Who’ by author Sandra Cisneros, a young girl reminisces about her fun loving grandfather who recently died. The poem shows how people don't last forever, but memories do. Since the day that her grandfather, also known as ‘Abuelito’, (in Spanish) died, the narrator has had no one to play games with her, buy her things, or tell her pretty thoughts. However, the love she has for her grandfather has given her memories to look back on and cherish.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ He had bought her things like dolls, toys, and sometimes, even candy. He spoiled his granddaughter like any other grandfather would do for the one he loved. Now, the ‘rain on the roof falls like coins’(line 21), which reminds her of his plentiful generosity and the feeling of adornment he gave her. However, she also knew her grandfather had become like ‘a doorknob tied to a sour stick’ (line 14) in that he was no longer as active, and his sweetness had soured as a result of his illness.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Although Abuelito ‘doesn't live here anymore’ (line 16), the narrator still imagines she plays games with him, he buys her things, and tells her pretty thoughts. As a result of reflecting on the loss of her grandfather, he became a bigger part of the narrator's heart and soul. Even though the death and sickness of others are very sad, it's a reality everyone has to experience at one time or another. However, if you remember someone and keep the memory alive, that special person will never die in your mind or in your soul.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Abuelito, as she called him, loved spending money, buying the narrator things. The coins he spent were ‘like rain’ (line 1) to her as they represented the pouring of his affection on her. He had bought her things like dolls, toys, and sometimes, even candy. He spoiled his granddaughter like any other grandfather would do for the one he loved. Now, the ‘rain on the roof falls like coins’(line 21), which reminds her of his plentiful generosity and the feeling of adornment he gave her.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ The narrator loved listening to her grandfather tell her pretty thoughts. The things that he said built her self-esteem and self-confidence. In Spanish, he would say ‘you are my diamond’ (line 7) and in English, ‘you are my sky’. (line 8) This made her feel loved. Since ‘Abuelito’ died, he could no longer say those pretty things to her and be a part of her everyday life. ‘He talks to me inside my head’ (line 18) shows how he is still special in her mind and heart. By remembering the things the narrator's grandfather said, she keeps the pretty thoughts in her memory forever. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ She would check on her grandfather to see how he was doing, but he never wanted to play. He simply would lay in his bed and only sit up to say, ‘I'm tired; shut the door’ (line 15). One day he never woke up, now the narrator has no one to play with.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ The narrator always played games with her grandfather. She especially loved it when they played hide and seek. To this day, she still thinks he ‘is hiding underneath my bed’ (line 17). From the time when her grandfather first started getting sick, she acknowledged ‘he can't come out to play’ (line 10). She already started to miss her grandfather and felt she was losing him more and more each and every day. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Watching someone you love go through the final stages of life is one of the hardest experiences to endure. In the poem, "Abuelito Who", by Sandra Cisneros, the effects of the aging process on both grandfather and granddaughter are conveyed. In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather was playing games, having fun outside, and complimenting his granddaughter in Spanish and English. However, over time he grew older and sicker, and no matter what condition he is in, he knows she will still love him.

In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather is spoiling his granddaughter by "Throwing coins like rain" (line 1). Like most grandfathers, he indulged her by buying her a variety of gifts. Furthermore, he showered her with compliments such as "You are my diamond" and " You are my sky"(line 7-8). She knows that there is someone who will always think the world of her. Before old age got to him, he was a very caring, generous person.

The physical consequences of becoming old are not always pretty. The grandfather becomes "dough and feathers" (line 3) and "a watch and glass of water" (line 4). His skin like most elderly people's became wrinkly and loose and the water and watch are for the times he has to take his pills. Even though he may not look as good and be as active as he used to, he knows that his apperance does not matter. All that matters is what is in his heart and how his love affects his granddaughter. When the grandfather was young he would come and play. However, now he "sleeps in his little room all night and day" (line 11). The granddaughter misses spending time with her grandfather, who is locking himself away from everything.

She misses her grandfather so much he "talks to her inside her head"(line 18). Many things remind her of the wonderful things that he did for her such as "the rain on the roof that falls like coins" (line 21). She knows that even though he "is sick" (line 13), if he had the energy and strength he would do whatever he could to show her that he loves her. And again he would be "asking who loves him, who loves him who"? Even though someone you love may be gone in life, they're never gone in your heart.

Aging is a hard process that everyone goes through but it is much easier when you have someone you love by your side. It is also hard for the grandfather because when he was younger, he was spolling her with things. Now since he is getting old, he does not have the strenghth to give her the things he wants to, besides his love. He is also sad because he can't come and play outside anymore because he is old and his granddaughter misses him playing with her. Now all he can do is sleep in his room all day. He is not the only one that is sad. The granddaughter is also sad because she does not have the grandfather she used to. However, no matter how he feels, looks, or acts, she loves him the way he is, for as long as she is lucky enough to have him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects different quotes from the text and adequately interprets their meanings and provides adequate details so readers can further their understanding of the selection. (“In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather is spoiling his granddaughter by ‘Throwing coins like rain’ (line 1). Like most grandfathers, he indulged her by buying her a variety of gifts. Furthermore, he showered her with compliments such as ‘You are my diamond’ and ‘You are my sky’(line 7-8). She knows that there is someone who will always think the world of her. Before old age got to him, he was a very caring, generous person.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout. The writer proceeds to interpret the meaning of the poem and succeeds in providing adequate insights. (“Aging is a hard process that everyone goes through but it is much easier when you have someone you love by your side. It is also hard for the grandfather because when he was younger, he was spolling her with things. Now since he is getting old, he does not have the strenghth to give her the things he wants to, besides his love. He is also sad because he can't come and play outside anymore because he is old and the granddaughter misses him playing with her. Now all he can do is sleep in his room all day.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of quotes taken directly from the selection, and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“She misses her grandfather so much he ‘talks to her inside her head’(line 18). Many things remind her of the wonderful things that he did for her such as ‘the rain on the roof that falls like coins’ (line 21). She knows that even though he ‘is sick’ (line 13), if he had the energy and strength he would do whatever he could to show her that he loves her. And again he would be ‘asking who loves him, who loves him who’? Even though someone you love may be gone in life, they're never gone in your heart.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“The physical consequences of becoming old are not always pretty. The grandfather becomes ‘dough and feathers’ (line 3) and ‘a watch and glass of water’ (line 4). His skin like most elderly people's became wrinkly and loose and the water and watch are for the times he has to take his pills. Even though he may not look as good and be as active as he used to, he knows that his apperance does not matter. All that matters is what is in his heart and how his love affects the granddaughter.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather is spoiling his granddaughter by ‘Throwing coins like rain’ (line 1). Like most grandfathers, he indulged her by buying her a variety of gifts. Furthermore, he showered her with compliments such as ‘You are my diamond’ and ‘You are my sky’(line 7-8). She knows that there is someone who will always think the world of her. Before old age got to him, he was a very caring, generous person.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“She misses her grandfather so much he ‘talks to her inside her head’ (line 18). Many things remind her of the wonderful things that he did for her such as ‘the rain on the roof that falls like coins’ (line 21). She knows that even though he ‘is sick’ (line 13), if he had the energy and strength he would do whatever he could to show her that he loves her. And again he would be ‘asking who loves him, who loves him who’? Even though someone you love may be gone in life, they're never gone in your heart.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Watching someone you love go through the final stages of life is one of the hardest experiences to endure. In the poem, ‘Abuelito Who’, by Sandra Cisneros, the effects of the aging process on both grandfather and granddaughter are conveyed. In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather was playing games, having fun outside, and complimenting the granddaughter in Spanish and English. However, over time he grew older and sicker, and no matter what condition he is in, he knows she will still love him.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Even though he may not look as good and be as active as he used to, he knows that his apperance does not matter. All that matters is what is in his heart and how his love affects the granddaughter. When the grandfather was young he would come and play. However, now he ‘sleeps in his little room all night and day’ (line 11).”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Aging is a hard process that everyone goes through but it is much easier when you have someone you love by your side. It is also hard for the grandfather because when he was younger, he was spolling her with things. Now since he is getting old, he does not have the strenghth to give her the things he wants to, besides his love. He is also sad because he can't come and play outside anymore because he is old and the granddaughter misses him playing with her. Now all he can do is sleep in his room all day. He is not the only one that is sad. The granddaughter is also sad because she does not have the grandfather she used to. However, no matter how he feels, looks, or acts, she loves him the way he is, for as long as she is lucky enough to have him. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ In the beginning of the poem, the grandfather is spoiling his granddaughter by ‘Throwing coins like rain’ (line 1). Like most grandfathers, he indulged her by buying her a variety of gifts. Furthermore, he showered her with compliments such as ‘You are my diamond’ and ‘You are my sky’(line 7-8). She knows that there is someone who will always think the world of her. Before old age got to him, he was a very caring, generous person.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she interprets the poem’s symbolism and message to the intended audience. (“ The physical consequences of becoming old are not always pretty. The grandfather becomes ‘dough and feathers’ (line 3) and ‘a watch and glass of water’ (line 4). His skin like most elderly people's became wrinkly and loose and the water and watch are for the times he has to take his pills. ”)

The word choices are adequate for the intended audience. (“ All that matters is what is in his heart and how his love affects the granddaughter. When the grandfather was young he would come and play. However, now he ‘sleeps in his little room all night and day’ (line 11). The granddaughter misses spending time with her grandfather, who is locking himself away from everything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the overall communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, but should check the spelling of chosen words. (“ It is also hard for the grandfather because when he was younger, he was spolling her with things. Now since he is getting old, he does not have the strenghth to give her the things he wants to, besides his love.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Abuelito Who is a poem written by Sandra Cisneros and describes how her grandpa is getting sicker and sicker each day. Have you ever loved someone so much and then one day there gone? Well, thats what happens in Abuelito Who. Sandra's Abuelito used to throw coins like rain meaning that if she saw a toy she liked he would find money to buy it for her. Abuelito Who loved his grandchild. He can't go outside and play with her anymore, or go get and ice cream or anything! Do you know how horrible that would be?

Abuleito Who loves his grandoughter and calls her his little diamond in spanish. He means by that he means she means everything to him and she is precious. Nothing in the world can replace her. He throws coins like rain and spoils his grandoughter. He will play outside with her and have great times together. But, unfortunatly, he begins to get sick and cant do all of those activities anymore. Abuelito who is a very sick man. Everyday he's getting worse and worse. He used to play outside and just live life and enjoy it. Now he's to sick to do all that and he's sleeping all day long. He snores and is under his blankets all day long. His grandoughter is also very sad to see her abuelito die right in front of her eyes. He is going to get worse and then soon die.

To sum things up. Abuelito Who has a very important grandoughter. She is his little diamond and means the world to him. They have great memories and do great things together. He soon gets sick and starts getting worse. They are both very sad and hope for the best that can come of it. They would play outside together and just do fun stuff. he now hides under the covers of his bed and isn't getting much better. Abuelito Who wonders, who loves me who.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Sandra's Abuelito used to throw coins like rain meaning that if she saw a toy she liked he would find money to buy it for her. Abuelito Who loved his grandchild. He can't go outside and play with her anymore, or go get and ice cream or anything!”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the grandfather’s decline in health, the writer is attempting to demonstrate understanding and satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Abuleito Who loves his grandoughter and calls her his little diamond in spanish. He means by that he means she means everything to him and she is precious. Nothing in the world can replace her. He throws coins like rain and spoils his grandoughter.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“He will play outside with her and have great times together. But, unfortunatly, he begins to get sick and cant do all of those activities anymore. Abuelito who is a very sick man. Everyday he's getting worse and worse. He used to play outside and just live life and enjoy it. Now he's to sick to do all that and he's sleeping all day long. He snores and is under his blankets all day long. His grandoughter is also very sad to see her abuelito die right in front of her eyes. He is going to get worse and then soon die.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“She is his little diamond and means the world to him. They have great memories and do great things together. He soon gets sick and starts getting worse. They are both very sad and hope for the best that can come of it. They would play outside together and just do fun stuff. he now hides under the covers of his bed and isn't getting much better.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Have you ever loved someone so much and then one day there gone? Well, thats what happens in Abuelito Who. Sandra's Abuelito used to throw coins like rain meaning that if she saw a toy she liked he would find money to buy it for her. Abuelito Who loved his grandchild. He can't go outside and play with her anymore, or go get and ice cream or anything! Do you know how horrible that would be?”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Abuleito Who loves his grandoughter and calls her his little diamond in spanish. He means by that he means she means everything to him and she is precious. Nothing in the world can replace her. He throws coins like rain and spoils his grandoughter. He will play outside with her and have great times together. But, unfortunatly, he begins to get sick and cant do all of those activities anymore. Abuelito who is a very sick man.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever loved someone so much and then one day there gone? Well, thats what happens in Abuelito Who. Sandra's Abuelito used to throw coins like rain meaning that if she saw a toy she liked he would find money to buy it for her. Abuelito Who loved his grandchild. He can't go outside and play with her anymore, or go get and ice cream or anything! Do you know how horrible that would be? ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ But, unfortunatly, he begins to get sick and cant do all of those activities anymore. Abuelito who is a very sick man. Everyday he's getting worse and worse. He used to play outside and just live life and enjoy it. Now he's to sick to do all that and he's sleeping all day long. He snores and is under his blankets all day long. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to briefly restate the things that happen in the poem. It does not highlight literary techniques or give the readers something to think about as the analysis draws to a close. (“ To sum things up. Abuelito Who has a very important grandoughter. She is his little diamond and means the world to him. They have great memories and do great things together. He soon gets sick and starts getting worse. They are both very sad and hope for the best that can come of it. They would play outside together and just do fun stuff. he now hides under the covers of his bed and isn't getting much better. Abuelito Who wonders, who loves me who. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition in the essay. (“ He means by that he means she means everything to him and she is precious. ”)

Although the writer manages to lend voice to the sadness of Abuelito’s declining abilities, the writer does not interpret the symbolism in the poem to the extent that the audience would have a deeper understanding of the poet’s intent. (“ Abuelito who is a very sick man. Everyday he's getting worse and worse. He used to play outside and just live life and enjoy it. Now he's to sick to do all that and he's sleeping all day long. He snores and is under his blankets all day long. His grandoughter is also very sad to see her abuelito die right in front of her eyes. He is going to get worse and then soon die. ”)

There is limited structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He used to play outside and just live life and enjoy it. Now he's to sick to do all that and he's sleeping all day long. He snores and is under his blankets all day long.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, use proper capitalization, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Abuleito Who loves his grandoughter and calls her his little diamond in spanish. He means by that he means she means everything to him and she is precious. Nothing in the world can replace her. He throws coins like rain and spoils his grandoughter. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The grandpa "Abuelito Who" is telling he wants to know who loves him love. The grandpa is talking about who loves him. He wants to know who loves him. He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish? He doesn't want to go play with his grandchildren. Then he sleeps in his room all night and day. He use to laugh like the letter " k". He is sick. The family leaves him sleeping in his little room. Then he hides under his bed.

Next the grandpa dies. The grandchildren think of him often. When she listens to rain she thinks that she hears her grandfather dropping coins. Then she realizes that it is only the rain hitting the roof of the house.The grandkid then wonders if anyone loved her grandpa.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in this essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the grandfather and how he is ill. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish? He doesn't want to go play with his grandchildren. Then he sleeps in his room all night and day.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the interpretation of the poem. (“The grandpa ‘Abuelito Who’ is telling he wants to know who loves him love. The grandpa is talking about who loves him. He wants to know who loves him. He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish?”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain his/her interpretation of the imagery in the poem. (“ He use to laugh like the letter ‘ k’. He is sick. The family leaves him sleeping in his little room. Then he hides under his bed.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to demonstrate an understanding of the poem and the author's message , but falls short on delivering enough content to communicate that understanding to the intended audience. (“He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish? He doesn't want to go play with his grandchildren. Then he sleeps in his room all night and day.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Next the grandpa dies. The grandchildren think of him often. When she listens to rain she thinks that she hears her grandfather dropping coins. Then she realizes that it is only the rain hitting the roof of the house.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The grandpa ‘Abuelito Who’ is telling he wants to know who loves him love. The grandpa is talking about who loves him. He wants to know who loves him. He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish? He doesn't want to go play with his grandchildren. Then he sleeps in his room all night and day. He use to laugh like the letter ‘ k’. He is sick. The family leaves him sleeping in his little room. Then he hides under his bed. Next the grandpa dies. The grandchildren think of him often. When she listens to rain she thinks that she hears her grandfather dropping coins. Then she realizes that it is only the rain hitting the roof of the house.The grandkid then wonders if anyone loved her grandpa.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“The grandpa ‘Abuelito Who’ is telling he wants to know who loves him love. The grandpa is talking about who loves him. He wants to know who loves him.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the central/controlling thesis the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, minimal use of transitions is evident between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Next the grandpa dies. The grandchildren think of him often. When she listens to rain she thinks that she hears her grandfather dropping coins. Then she realizes that it is only the rain hitting the roof of the house.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ The grandkid then wonders if anyone loved her grandpa. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is minimal variety in the lengths and structure of the sentences in the essay. (“ He use to laugh like the letter ‘k’. He is sick. The family leaves him sleeping in his little room. Then he hides under his bed.”)

The writer displays minimal voice and style. (“ Then she realizes that it is only the rain hitting the roof of the house.The grandkid then wonders if anyone loved her grandpa.”)

There is repetition. (“ The grandpa ‘Abuelito Who’ is telling he wants to know who loves him love. The grandpa is talking about who loves him. He wants to know who loves him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has subject/verb agreement, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, use correct capitalization, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ He is to sad to come down stairs. He wants to know who tell him words in spanish? ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is attempting to convey from the text. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by not including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the issue of Abuelito’s problems as an aging man, but does not provide a coherent expository that would illustrate the writer’s intentions in the essay. Additionally, the writer does not develop the ideas in any way. (“ then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. ”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ and the used letter k is mean that sick. the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ the Aboelito Who say who talks to me inside my head is blankets and spoons and big brown shoes.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style is provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are major syntax errors that affect the clarity of the writer’s message. (“ Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Abuelito who don't like. and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ and some people say like you are in spanish is the diamond and you are in english is the sky. then he can't come out and sleep in his little room all day and night. and the used letter k is mean that sick. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“After Twenty Years” by O. Henry

In the story “After Twenty Years” by O. Henry, two friends are about to reunite at the same place they parted twenty years before.

After carefully reading “After Twenty Years,” write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the author’s message. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If you were to meet a friend after not seeing them for twenty years, would you recognize them? Do you think they might have changed from when you last met? In the short story “After Twenty Years” by O. Henry, this very concept is tested. Two best friends had moved apart, one moving to the west as the other stayed in New York . Both men, true to their word, showed up at ten o’clock at the restaurant where Bob and Jimmy had last seen each other. Although one of the two didn’t reveal who he truly was until the end of the story, there is a twist. When you, or anyone in general, are faced with a certain decision where you could lose a friendship, being loyal isn’t always the proper choice. Making the right decisions, even through our better judgments, is the most understandable.

In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen. A quote from the story reads “a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully.” His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn't really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.

Another example from “After Twenty Years” is “when they came into this glare...gazed upon each other’s faces.... ‘You’re not Jimmy Wells,’ he snapped. ‘Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man’s nose from a Roman to a pug.’ ‘It sometimes changes a good man into a bad one.’” This long but helpful quote indicates that over a period of time, there are certain changes a person undergoes. It also shows that there are some things that can’t change for a visibly more amount of time. If you were to take one picture of yourself, once a year, for twenty years, you would most likely find many differences. But, once again, there are a few things that can change a person and whether we think it justice or not, it is up to the one person who decision will be the outcome of an affair.

A third and final quote/example is “when you stuck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I went around and got a plainclothes man to do the job.” Despite the fact that there isn’t much said in this specific quote, it most accurately portrays the author’s message. Even though Jimmy didn’t want to turn in his best friend, he did, acting on his best intentions, if only to show his friend that had done what he had done and had taken the liberty to write Bob a note about it. For most people, they will, eventually, will be involved in a dispute between friends. The reasons, whatever they may be, will either be because of something important or something unimportant. We just have to think twice about what we plan to do before actually fulfilling something, considering who we may, unintentionally hurt.

For the most part, a huge percentage of people will have the ordeals of using our choices and deciding upon what evidence there is to contradict someone due to their actions. The author was trying to tell the reader(s) that you may think you know someone, but people can and do change, whether we want(ed) them to are not. So, overall, when it comes to choosing what is the right, true and honorable thing to and what is bad, making your decision on how you think you should is what is most important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the short story by O. Henry and makes insightful connections among the task (explaining the author’s message), the ideas in the text, and details and examples from the text through the central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“If you were to meet a friend after not seeing them for twenty years, would you recognize them? Do you think they might have changed from when you last met? In the short story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O. Henry, this very concept is tested. Two best friends had moved apart, one moving to the west as the other stayed in New York . Both men, true to their word, showed up at ten o’clock at the restaurant where Bob and Jimmy had last seen each other. Although one of the two didn’t reveal who he truly was until the end of the story, there is a twist. When you, or anyone in general, are faced with a certain decision where you could lose a friendship, being loyal isn’t always the proper choice. Making the right decisions, even through our better judgments, is the most understandable.”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“For the most part, a huge percentage of people will have the ordeals of using our choices and deciding upon what evidence there is to contradict someone due to their actions. The author was trying to tell the reader(s) that you may think you know someone, but people can and do change, whether we want(ed) them to are not. So, overall, when it comes to choosing what is the right, true and honorable thing to and what is bad, making your decision on how you think you should is what is most important.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen. A quote from the story reads ‘a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully.’ His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn’t really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ A third and final quote/example is "when you stuck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I went around and got a plainclothes man to do the job." Despite the fact that there isn't much said in this specific quote, it most accurately portrays the author’s message. Even though Jimmy didn't want to turn in his best friend, he did, acting on his best intentions, if only to show his friend that had done what he had done and had taken the liberty to write Bob a note about it. For most people, they will, eventually, will be involved in a dispute between friends. The reasons, whatever they may be, will either be because of something important or something unimportant. We just have to think twice about what we plan to do before actually fulfilling something, considering who we may, unintentionally hurt.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Another example from ‘After Twenty Years’ is ‘when they came into this glare...gazed upon each other's faces...’ You’re not Jimmy Wells,’ he snapped. ‘Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man’s nose from a Roman to a pug.’ ‘It sometimes changes a good man into a bad one.’ This long but helpful quote indicates that over a period of time, there are certain changes a person undergoes. It also shows that there are some things that can’t change for a visibly more amount of time. If you were to take one picture of yourself, once a year, for twenty years, you would most likely find many differences. But, once again, there are a few things that can change a person and whether we think it justice or not, it is up to the one person who decision will be the outcome of an affair.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen. A quote from the story reads ‘a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully. ‘His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn't really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen. A quote from the story reads ‘a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully. ‘His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn't really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.”)

The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“A third and final quote/example is ‘when you stuck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I went around and got a plainclothes man to do the job.’ Despite the fact that there isn't much said in this specific quote, it most accurately portrays the author’s message. Even though Jimmy didn’t want to turn in his best friend, he did, acting on his best intentions, if only to show his friend that had done what he had done and had taken the liberty to write Bob a note about it. For most people, they will, eventually, will be involved in a dispute between friends. The reasons, whatever they may be, will either be because of something important or something unimportant. We just have to think twice about what we plan to do before actually fulfilling something, considering who we may, unintentionally hurt.”)

Organization

This essay displays very effective organization. The writing demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question. (“ If you were to meet a friend after not seeing them for twenty years, would you recognize them? Do you think they might have changed from when you last met? In the short story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O. Henry, this very concept is tested. Two best friends had moved apart, one moving to the west as the other stayed in New York . Both men, true to their word, showed up at ten o’clock at the restaurant where Bob and Jimmy had last seen each other. Although one of the two didn’t reveal who he truly was until the end of the story, there is a twist. When you, or anyone in general, are faced with a certain decision where you could lose a friendship, being loyal isn’t always the proper choice. Making the right decisions, even through our better judgments, is the most understandable.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and/or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ For the most part, a huge percentage of people will have the ordeals of using our choices and deciding upon what evidence there is to contradict someone due to their actions. The author was trying to tell the reader(s) that you may think you know someone, but people can and do change, whether we want(ed) them to are not. So, overall, when it comes to choosing what is the right, true and honorable thing to and what is bad, making your decision on how you think you should is what is most important.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ For the most part, a huge percentage of people will have the ordeals of using our choices and deciding upon what evidence there is to contradict someone due to their actions. The author was trying to tell the reader(s) that you may think you know someone, but people can and do change, whether we want(ed) them to are not. So, overall, when it comes to choosing what is the right, true and honorable thing to and what is bad, making your decision on how you think you should is what is most important.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are very effectively connected through the presentation of the author’s message. This idea is first introduced in the introduction and is then used to conclude the essay. (“ If you were to meet a friend after not seeing them for twenty years, would you recognize them? Do you think they might have changed from when you last met? In the short story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O. Henry, this very concept is tested. Two best friends had moved apart, one moving to the west as the other stayed in New York . Both men, true to their word, showed up at ten o’clock at the restaurant where Bob and Jimmy had last seen each other. Although one of the two didn't reveal who he truly was until the end of the story, there is a twist. When you, or anyone in general, are faced with a certain decision where you could lose a friendship, being loyal isn’t always the proper choice. Making the right decisions, even through our better judgments, is the most understandable. … For the most part, a huge percentage of people will have the ordeals of using our choices and deciding upon what evidence there is to contradict someone due to their actions. The author was trying to tell the reader(s) that you may think you know someone, but people can and do change, whether we want(ed) them to are not. So, overall, when it comes to choosing what is the right, true and honorable thing to and what is bad, making your decision on how you think you should is what is most important.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style is exhibited throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; in addition, well-structured and varied sentences are used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ If you were to meet a friend after not seeing them for twenty years, would you recognize them? Do you think they might have changed from when you last met? In the short story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O. Henry, this very concept is tested. Two best friends had moved apart, one moving to the west as the other stayed in New York . Both men, true to their word, showed up at ten o’clock at the restaurant where Bob and Jimmy had last seen each other. Although one of the two didn't reveal who he truly was until the end of the story, there is a twist. When you, or anyone in general, are faced with a certain decision where you could lose a friendship, being loyal isn’t always the proper choice. Making the right decisions, even through our better judgments, is the most understandable. …In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen. A quote from the story reads ‘a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully.’ His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn’t really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn't happen. A quote from the story reads ‘a tall man in a long overcoat, with a collar turned up to his ears, hurried across the street...Is that you, Bob? he asked, doubtfully. ‘His actions were suspicious and it turns out that he wasn't really Jimmy. Nearly every second of everyday, people all over the world have a choice; something in their self-conscience that tells them whether something is right or wrong. We as human being are judged, even under our best wishes, and, for the most part, are discriminated against by our actions. It depends on what we believe, but making the correct decision, in your point of view, could be different from the next person. Some would say that Jimmy should not have turned Bob in, seeing as they were best friends and Bob had described him as loyal. Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself. …Another example from ‘After Twenty Years’ is ‘when they came into this glare...gazed upon each other's faces...’ You’re not Jimmy Wells,’ he snapped. ‘Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man's nose from a Roman to a pug.' 'It sometimes changes a good man into a bad one.’ This long but helpful quote indicates that over a period of time, there are certain changes a person undergoes. It also shows that there are some things that can’t change for a visibly more amount of time. If you were to take one picture of yourself, once a year, for twenty years, you would most likely find many differences. But, once again, there are a few things that can change a person and whether we think it justice or not, it is up to the one person who decision will be the outcome of an affair.”)

The complex sentence, “ Despite the fact that there isn’t much said in this specific quote, it most accurately portrays the author’s message,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is seen throughout this essay, with few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ In the short story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O. Henry, this very concept is tested.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ In this story, the idea of someone changing over time is probable, though some of us hope that that unavoidable truth doesn’t happen.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Others would say that Jimmy did the honorable thing by not performing the arrest himself.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In After Twenty Years, by O. Henry or William Sydney Porter, the story talks about two friends, Bob and Jimmy, who part ways and plan to meet again twenty years later. Jimmy remained in New York while Bob ventured to the West to seek his fortune. Both men arrived at the scheduled location at exactly 10:00 P.M. Bob didn’t recognize Jimmy but, unfortunately for Bob, Jimmy recognized him as a wanted criminal from Chicago . Jimmy, now a police officer, couldn't arrest his old friend, so he got a plainclothes policeman to do the job for him. In After Twenty Years, Bob learns that friendship does not always survive the test of time.

Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn’t in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn’t do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future.

Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. At the appointed place, Bob told the police officer, Jimmy, “I dined at Big Joe’ Brady’s with Jimmy Wells, my best chum and the finest chap in the world.” (page 158) Upon reading the note that Jimmy wrote, Bob started to shake. “His hand was steady when he began to read, but it trembled a little by the time he had finished.” (page 160) Bob was bewildered when he realized that his longtime friend had betrayed him. Bob was still true to his past while Jimmy had moved on to bigger and better ideals.

Jimmy’s actions demonstrate loyalty and responsibility more to his job rather than to his friend. The theme of the story is that friendships might not always survive the test of time. Bob and Jimmy were great pals but, over the next twenty years, they grew apart. Not only did they live on opposite sides of the nation, but they were on opposite sides of the law. Jimmy defended the law while Bob made his living by breaking it. Since Jimmy was the only one who knew Bob’s whereabouts, he could have easily let Bob leave the area and ignore Bob’s status as a criminal. Jimmy chose not to do this because he had grown up and was loyal to his profession, the law. Friendships can definitely change over time. In After Twenty Years, Bob and Jimmy’s relationship was no exception.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. It establishes a thorough analysis of the story and makes clear connections among the task (discussing the author’s message), the ideas in the text, and details and examples through the central idea.

The essay’s response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ In After Twenty Years, by O. Henry or William Sydney Porter, the story talks about two friends, Bob and Jimmy, who part ways and plan to meet again twenty years later. Jimmy remained in New York while Bob ventured to the West to seek his fortune. Both men arrived at the scheduled location at exactly 10:00 P.M. Bob didn't recognize Jimmy but, unfortunately for Bob, Jimmy recognized him as a wanted criminal from Chicago . Jimmy, now a police officer, couldn’t arrest his old friend, so he got a plainclothes policeman to do the job for him. In After Twenty Years, Bob learns that friendship does not always survive the test of time.”)

The writer uses good, specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Jimmy’s actions demonstrate loyalty and responsibility more to his job rather than to his friend. The theme of the story is that friendships might not always survive the test of time. Bob and Jimmy were great pals but, over the next twenty years, they grew apart. Not only did they live on opposite sides of the nation, but they were on opposite sides of the law. Jimmy defended the law while Bob made his living by breaking it. Since Jimmy was the only one who knew Bob’s whereabouts, he could have easily let Bob leave the area and ignore Bob's status as a criminal. Jimmy chose not to do this because he had grown up and was loyal to his profession, the law. Friendships can definitely change over time. In After Twenty Years, Bob and Jimmy’s relationship was no exception.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea that “friendship does not always survive the test of time.” (“Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn’t in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future.”)

The essay is focused on the central idea with details about the author’s message . (Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn’t in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn't do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story.

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. At the appointed place, Bob told the police officer, Jimmy, ‘I dined at Big Joe' Brady’s with Jimmy Wells, my best chum and the finest chap in the world.’ (page 158) Upon reading the note that Jimmy wrote, Bob started to shake. ‘His hand was steady when he began to read, but it trembled a little by the time he had finished.’ (page 160) Bob was bewildered when he realized that his longtime friend had betrayed him. Bob was still true to his past while Jimmy had moved on to bigger and better ideals.”)

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn’t in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn’t do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. At the appointed place, Bob told the police officer, Jimmy, ‘I dined at Big Joe’ Brady’s with Jimmy Wells, my best chum and the finest chap in the world.’ (page 158)”)

The essay includes good, specific details from the text that relate to the main characters. (“Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. At the appointed place, Bob told the police officer, Jimmy, ‘I dined at Big Joe’ Brady’s with Jimmy Wells, my best chum and the finest chap in the world.’ (page 158) Upon reading the note that Jimmy wrote, Bob started to shake. ‘His hand was steady when he began to read, but it trembled a little by the time he had finished.’ (page 160) Bob was bewildered when he realized that his longtime friend had betrayed him. Bob was still true to his past while Jimmy had moved on to bigger and better ideals.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn’t in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn’t do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future.”)

Organization

Good organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing (although the essay does consist of only four paragraphs), and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ In After Twenty Years, Bob learns that friendship does not always survive the test of time.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ In After Twenty Years, by O. Henry or William Sydney Porter, the story talks about two friends, Bob and Jimmy, who part ways and plan to meet again twenty years later. Jimmy remained in New York while Bob ventured to the West to seek his fortune. Both men arrived at the scheduled location at exactly 10:00 P.M. Bob didn’t recognize Jimmy but, unfortunately for Bob, Jimmy recognized him as a wanted criminal from Chicago . Jimmy, now a police officer, couldn’t arrest his old friend, so he got a plainclothes policeman to do the job for him. In After Twenty Years, Bob learns that friendship does not always survive the test of time.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“ Jimmy’s actions demonstrate loyalty and responsibility more to his job rather than to his friend. The theme of the story is that friendships might not always survive the test of time. Bob and Jimmy were great pals but, over the next twenty years, they grew apart. Not only did they live on opposite sides of the nation, but they were on opposite sides of the law. Jimmy defended the law while Bob made his living by breaking it. Since Jimmy was the only one who knew Bob’s whereabouts, he could have easily let Bob leave the area and ignore Bob’s status as a criminal. Jimmy chose not to do this because he had grown up and was loyal to his profession, the law. Friendships can definitely change over time. In After Twenty Years, Bob and Jimmy’s relationship was no exception.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. … Bob was bewildered when he realized that his longtime friend had betrayed him. Bob was still true to his past while Jimmy had moved on to bigger and better ideals.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Jimmy’s actions demonstrate that he was now more loyal to his job than to his old friend. He had a responsibility as a police officer to arrest criminals. Because he didn’t have the heart to arrest his longtime friend himself, Jimmy told another police officer who wasn't in uniform to arrest Bob for him. Jimmy wrote a note for Bob that the other police officer gave to him. ‘Bob: I was at the appointed place on time. When you struck the match to light your cigar, I saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow I couldn’t do it myself, so I got a plainclothes man to do the job. Jimmy.’ (page 160) Jimmy didn’t let his past interfere with his future. …Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy. Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time. At the appointed place, Bob told the police officer, Jimmy, ‘I dined at Big Joe' Brady's with Jimmy Wells, my best chum and the finest chap in the world.’ (page 158) Upon reading the note that Jimmy wrote, Bob started to shake. ‘His hand was steady when he began to read, but it trembled a little by the time he had finished.’ (page 160) Bob was bewildered when he realized that his longtime friend had betrayed him. Bob was still true to his past while Jimmy had moved on to bigger and better ideals.”)

The complex sentence, “ Although Jimmy allowed his new life to control his feelings for his old friend, Bob remained loyal to his history with Jimmy,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated within this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and they do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Bob’s feelings for Jimmy did not change over time.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Jimmy’s actions demonstrate loyalty and responsibility more to his job rather than to his friend.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ In After Twenty Years, Bob and Jimmy’s relationship was no exception.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

People often say friendship lasts forever although it isn't true according to what O’Henry states in his short story, After Twenty Years. The friendship between Bob and Jimmy Wells is no longer in existence when one night, they meet in a town on a dark and gloomy night. This short story clearly points out that friendships can change over time.

In the beginning of After Twenty Years a policeman continued wandering down the city patrolling any trouble that goes on. One night, he slowed his walk on a certain random street and gazed at a man. He quickly walked over to the man and started to become curious and talked to him. The man said quickly, “It’s all right officer. I’m just waiting for a friend. It’s an appointment made twenty years ago.” So the policeman and the man had a conversation and the policeman had informed the man that the restaurant he had been searching for had been knocked down. The man lit his cigar with a big flame showing his “pale, square-jawed face with keen eyes, and a little white scar near his right eyebrow. His scarf pin was a large diamond, oddly set.” After a nice chat, the policeman let the man go and he was off to his errand.

The man eventually ends his search of his friend and finds him. He had found his long lost friend Jimmy Wells. They shake hands and catch up on what has been happening to them over the past twenty years. Jimmy had apparently become taller. Although, when the streetlight shone upon them, Bob had realized that not only his height was different, his face was unique than before too. “‘You’re not Jimmy Wells,’ he snapped. ‘Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man’s nose from a Roman to a pug.’” It had been revealed that the man was not Jimmy Wells. It was a complete stranger.

At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago . Jimmy had not wanted to arrest him himself so he convinced another man to do the job. It appears that people and friendship can change dramatically overtime. Bob had changed from a good man into a criminal over time. Additionally, the friendship of Jimmy Wells and Bob had ended and no longer existed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the story and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and details and examples through the central idea.

The essay’s response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago . Jimmy had not wanted to arrest him himself so he convinced another man to do the job. It appears that people and friendship can change dramatically overtime. Bob had changed from a good man into a criminal over time. Additionally, the friendship of Jimmy Wells and Bob had ended and no longer existed.”)

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“This short story clearly points out that friendships can change over time.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“In the beginning of After Twenty Years a policeman continued wandering down the city patrolling any trouble that goes on. One night, he slowed his walk on a certain random street and gazed at a man. He quickly walked over to the man and started to become curious and talked to him. The man said quickly, ‘It's all right officer. I’m just waiting for a friend. It’s an appointment made twenty years ago.’ So the policeman and the man had a conversation and the policeman had informed the man that the restaurant he had been searching for had been knocked down. The man lit his cigar with a big flame showing his ‘pale, square-jawed face with keen eyes, and a little white scar near his right eyebrow. His scarf pin was a large diamond, oddly set.’ After a nice chat, the policeman let the man go and he was off to his errand.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the story.

This essay includes adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot and dialogue and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In the beginning of After Twenty Years a policeman continued wandering down the city patrolling any trouble that goes on. One night, he slowed his walk on a certain random street and gazed at a man. He quickly walked over to the man and started to become curious and talked to him. The man said quickly, ‘It’s all right officer. I'm just waiting for a friend. It's an appointment made twenty years ago.’ So the policeman and the man had a conversation and the policeman had informed the man that the restaurant he had been searching for had been knocked down. The man lit his cigar with a big flame showing his ‘pale, square-jawed face with keen eyes, and a little white scar near his right eyebrow. His scarf pin was a large diamond, oddly set.’ After a nice chat, the policeman let the man go and he was off to his errand.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago . Jimmy had not wanted to arrest him himself so he convinced another man to do the job. It appears that people and friendship can change dramatically overtime. Bob had changed from a good man into a criminal over time. Additionally, the friendship of Jimmy Wells and Bob had ended and no longer existed.”)

The essay may include quotations (from or about the main character) from the text. (“ The man said quickly, ‘It’s all right officer. I’m just waiting for a friend. It’s an appointment made twenty years ago.’”)

Organization

Adequate organization is shown in this essay. There is a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and some use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ This short story clearly points out that friendships can change over time.”)

The first sentence of the introduction adequately includes a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ People often say friendship lasts forever although it isn’t true according to what O’Henry states in his short story, After Twenty Years. The friendship between Bob and Jimmy Wells is no longer in existence when one night, they meet in a town on a dark and gloomy night. This short story clearly points out that friendships can change over time.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. ( “In the beginning of After Twenty Years a policeman continued wandering down the city patrolling any trouble that goes on. … At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago . … Additionally, the friendship of Jimmy Wells and Bob had ended and no longer existed.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through O. Henry’s message in the story that “friendship can change dramatically over time.” (“ People often say friendship lasts forever although it isn’t true according to what O’Henry states in his short story, After Twenty Years. The friendship between Bob and Jimmy Wells is no longer in existence when one night, they meet in a town on a dark and gloomy night. This short story clearly points out that friendships can change over time. … At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago . Jimmy had not wanted to arrest him himself so he convinced another man to do the job. It appears that people and friendship can change dramatically overtime. Bob had changed from a good man into a criminal over time. Additionally, the friendship of Jimmy Wells and Bob had ended and no longer existed.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay displays adequate language use and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“‘You’re not Jimmy Wells,’ he snapped. ‘Twenty years is a long time, but not long enough to change a man’s nose from a Roman to a pug.’ It had been revealed that the man was not Jimmy Wells. It was a complete stranger.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. For example, stronger words could have replaced the writer’s use of “at” and “done,” such as “in” and “committed.” (“ At the end, Jimmy had gone under arrest due to the crimes he had done in Chicago .”)

There are several missing words in the essay, specifically in the third paragraph. The phrase “not only” requires the phrase “but also” in order to complete the correct grammatical construction. In addition, the word “more” is missing before “unique.” (“ Although, when the streetlight shone upon them, Bob had realized that not only his height was different, his face was unique than before too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ He had found his long lost friend Jimmy Wells.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark (“ It appears that people and friendship can change dramatically overtime.”), but some commas are missing, such as in the following sentence where it is needed because it is a compound sentence (“After a nice chat, the policeman let the man go and he was off to his errand.”).

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ He had found his long lost friend Jimmy Wells.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

After I was finishing the novel, “After Twenty Years,” and I learned a lot of lessons. There are times other people, doesn’t trust anyone even though that person is your best friend, and the most important lesson is losing the friendship for the right thing.

From the novel, there are two men who are best friends when they were in their early age, first person name’s Jimmy, the police man in New York . The second name’s Bob, the criminal that Chicago wants. When they were small, they were promising to each other that they are going to meet in the restaurant. Twenty years later Bob came to the appointed place on time and waited for his friend. Jimmy also came on time but he didn’t tell Bob that he is Jimmy. He remembers his friend’s face well because he cans remember Bob’s nose. Jimmy knew that Bob is the bad person then he didn’t want to heard his friend’s feeling. Bob did not know that his friend was the police man. They had the conversation for a while then Jimmy go and tell the other police man comes to lock Bob. Jimmy will lost Bob as a friend because he turned Bob to the police. Jimmy said that he was at the appointed place on time. When Bob struck the match to light his cigar, he saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow he couldn’t do it himself, so he went around and got a plain clothes man to do the job.

The novel of “After Twenty Years” had taught me that “Losing the friendship for the right thing.” I am supporting Jimmy that he turned Bob to the police because Bob is a bad man. If Bob is my friend and I am the police then I will do the same as what Jimmy had done because I am not a bad person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the story and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and details and examples through the central idea. The writer also mistakenly refers to the text as a novel, when it is actually a short story.

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Jimmy knew that Bob is the bad person then he didn’t want to heard his friend’s feeling. Bob did not know that his friend was the police man. They had the conversation for a while then Jimmy go and tell the other police man comes to lock Bob. Jimmy will lost Bob as a friend because he turned Bob to the police.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“After I was finishing the novel, ‘After Twenty Years,’ and I learned a lot of lessons. There are times other people, doesn’t trust anyone even though that person is your best friend, and the most important lesson is losing the friendship for the right thing.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument is stated. (“After I was finishing the novel, ‘After Twenty Years,’ and I learned a lot of lessons. There are times other people, doesn’t trust anyone even though that person is your best friend, and the most important lesson is losing the friendship for the right thing.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Jimmy knew that Bob is the bad person then he didn’t want to heard his friend's feeling. Bob did not know that his friend was the police man. They had the conversation for a while then Jimmy go and tell the other police man comes to lock Bob. Jimmy will lost Bob as a friend because he turned Bob to the police. Jimmy said that he was at the appointed place on time. When Bob struck the match to light his cigar, he saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow he couldn’t do it himself, so he went around and got a plain clothes man to do the job.”)

The essay includes a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Jimmy knew that Bob is the bad person then he didn’t want to heard his friend’s feeling. Bob did not know that his friend was the police man. They had the conversation for a while then Jimmy go and tell the other police man comes to lock Bob. Jimmy will lost Bob as a friend because he turned Bob to the police. Jimmy said that he was at the appointed place on time. When Bob struck the match to light his cigar, he saw it was the face of the man wanted in Chicago . Somehow he couldn’t do it himself, so he went around and got a plain clothes man to do the job.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraph are limited. (“From the novel, there are two men who are best friends when they were in their early age, first person name’s Jimmy, the police man in New York . The second name’s Bob, the criminal that Chicago wants. When they were small, they were promising to each other that they are going to meet in the restaurant. Twenty years later Bob came to the appointed place on time and waited for his friend. Jimmy also came on time but he didn’t tell Bob that he is Jimmy. He remembers his friend’s face well because he cans remember Bob’s nose.”)

Organization

Limited organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ After I was finishing the novel, ‘After Twenty Years,’ and I learned a lot of lessons. There are times other people, doesn’t trust anyone even though that person is your best friend, and the most important lesson is losing the friendship for the right thing.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ After I was finishing the novel, ‘After Twenty Years,’ and I learned a lot of lessons. … From the novel, there are two men who are best friends when they were in their early age, first person name’s Jimmy, the police man in New York .”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ The novel of ‘After Twenty Years’ had taught me that ‘Losing the friendship for the right thing.’ I am supporting Jimmy that he turned Bob to the police because Bob is a bad man. If Bob is my friend and I am the police then I will do the same as what Jimmy had done because I am not a bad person.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay conveys limited use of language and style. The writing demonstrates simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice; there also appears to be some reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Exact words are missing. (“ The second name’s Bob, the criminal that Chicago wants.”)

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ From the novel, there are two men who are best friends when they were in their early age, first person name’s Jimmy, the police man in New York .”)

There is repetition, with the word “bad” repeated often. (“ The novel of ‘After Twenty Years’ had taught me that ‘Losing the friendship for the right thing.’ I am supporting Jimmy that he turned Bob to the police because Bob is a bad man. If Bob is my friend and I am the police then I will do the same as what Jimmy had done because I am not a bad person.”)

Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ The novel of ‘After Twenty Years’ had taught me that ‘Losing the friendship for the right thing.’ I am supporting Jimmy that he turned Bob to the police because Bob is a bad man. If Bob is my friend and I am the police then I will do the same as what Jimmy had done because I am not a bad person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence should contain correctly spelled words. (“Jimmy knew that Bob is the bad person then he didn’t want to heard his friend’s feeling.”)

Each sentence should make sure verb tenses are correct and consistent. (“Jimmy will lost Bob as a friend because he turned Bob to the police.”)

Each sentence should have minimal grammatical errors and should be free of errors in subject-verb agreement. (“There are times other people, doesn’t trust anyone even though that person is your best friend, and the most important lesson is losing the friendship for the right thing.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story “After Twenty Years” by O.Henry It talks about two friends that want to go two separet ways and they end up betraying each other later on in life.

The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion “it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one”.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the story and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and details and examples through a central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument is not stated. (“In the story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O.Henry It talks about two friends that want to go two separet ways and they end up betraying each other later on in life.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

This essay includes minimal details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction, missing conclusion, little evidence of paragraphing, and few transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ In the story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O.Henry It talks about two friends that want to go two separet ways and they end up betraying each other later on in life.”)

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“ In the story ‘After Twenty Years’ by O.Henry It talks about two friends that want to go two separet ways and they end up betraying each other later on in life.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“The two friends names were Bob and Jimmy.Bob is tall with a squared jaw and keen eyes because he is always watching out for the cops.Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.So in conclusion ‘it sometimes changes a good man into a bad one’.Bob did not get the future that he wanted so he started to robe and thats how he became wanted in chicago.On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is evident throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition. (“ On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.”)

The style is not formal. (“ On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.”)

Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.I think that if a friend turns that way I too wouold betray them because then the police will acuse you of covering them from justice.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not contain words that are spelled correctly. (“ Jimmy is a tall police man with a roman nose and he is a sucsessful man because he did not whant to be a potter for the rest of his life.”)

Each sentence does not contain a comma when needed. (“ On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.”)

Each sentence does not contain proper use of capitalization. (“ On the other hand jimmy made a good desison by staying in New York and getting a good education and then after that getting a good job as a police man instead of doing the same thing that bob did by going to chicago and turning into a theif.So in my opinion if i was jimmy iI would have put bob in jail myself.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. The essay fails to establish an analysis of the story and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and details and examples through a central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is inadequate. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are seen throughout this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

The essay uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no transitional devices; the essay simply consists of one brief paragraph.

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style in this essay are inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Exact words are missing. (“The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry.”)

Transitions are needed. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of conventions and mechanics is apparent in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not contain clear language. (“In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark. (“This is a story about too friends that grow up in new york city . The name of this story is After Twenty Years and written by O. Henry. bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal. In my opinion theme is that people chang and people don’t”)

Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“bob wanted to meet his old chum, but bob was a criminal so he went to jal.”)

“All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury

In the story “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury, Margot’s classmates are jealous of her because she has experienced the warmth of the sun.

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you analyze how Margot's classmates’ experience with the sun has changed them. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I believe Margot's classmates changed immensely after they experienced the sun. Perhaps it’s because now they realized why Margot was so desperate for the sun after enjoying the warmth of the sun themselves. And because now they feel equal to her, since they are no longer that different from her since now they know what the sun feels like too. After knowing how wonderful the sun is, now they similarly crave for the sun in a different way from before, when they didn’t know; or more accurately, forgot how the sun was.

Before their hour in which the enormous solar star presented itself to them, they did not know how Margot felt, away from the sun after being in its presence. At that time, the sun was to them as an inexperienced miracle, and not something they could delight in. Now, after seeing the sun, they changed their perspective and viewed the sun coming out as an occasion that deserved revelry. Margot must have seen the sun likewise, and now they are much more alike than before. This made them accept Margot, for the only reason they denied her in the beginning was because they were different. Being equals helps understanding, and understanding breeds empathy.

Being the same altered the children's attitude towards Margot. Originally, they had played pranks on her and did not accept her into their groups. In my opinion, that was owing to their not understanding Margot. Now since they are akin to her, they understand her better and felt guilty for their past deeds. Their body language when they remembered Margot was an evidence of that. They could not meet each other's glances; that divulges that they were uneasy. After that incident, I strongly believe that they would behave more amicable towards her. Personally, I think that the whole event started with the sun.

Margot's craving for the sun was one of her attributes that set her apart from the rest of the children. The children were excited about the sun, true, but they never actually craved for it the way she did. They only wanted to see the sun because it was a miraculous event, and because they wanted to get even with her. When they experienced the warmth and they wonderfulness of the sun, they became more similar to her, but not in the way they had thought. Change is a mysterious thing; sometimes pleasant, sometimes disastrous.

I believe that the whole problem originated from misunderstanding. If they had understood her, she wouldn't have missed the sun. It was neither of them’s fault; it is just the way things go. However, they could've at least be more cordial to her, but I guess they were too young. The misunderstanding wasn’t the very root of it, though. Everything ultimately started with the sun, the rain, and the rocket men and women who had came to Venus to set up civilization and live out their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates very effective focus and meaning regarding the way Margot’s classmates changed throughout the story. The author establishes an in-depth analysis of the changes the children experience, while making insightful connections among the task and the ideas in the text. Furthermore, the author devotes each paragraph to discussing the changes Margot’s classmates experience after seeing the sun and wastes no time in establishing the focus of the essay, as seen in the following excerpt from the introduction: “ I believe Margot's classmates changed immensely after they experienced the sun. Perhaps it's because now they realized why Margot was so desperate for the sun after enjoying the warmth of the sun themselves. And because now they feel equal to her, since they are no longer that different from her since now they know what the sun feels like too. After knowing how wonderful the sun is, now they similarly crave for the sun in a different way from before, when they didn't know; or more accurately, forgot how the sun was. ”

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and strongly developed, with specific examples from the text cited. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text to show how the children’s attitudes toward Margot change. “ Now since they are akin to her, they understand her better and felt guilty for their past deeds. Their body language when they remembered Margot was an evidence of that. They could not meet each other's glances; that divulges that they were uneasy. After that incident, I strongly believe that they would behave more amicable towards her .”

Organization

There is very effective organization throughout this essay, as the main idea is clearly and firmly established in the introductory paragraph, as evidenced by the following first sentence from the essay’s introduction: “ I believe Margot's classmates changed immensely after they experienced the sun .” The conclusion also sums up the essay effectively, while leaving the reader with a thought-provoking comment to think about when the writer states, “ The misunderstanding wasn’t the very root of it, though. Everything ultimately started with the sun, the rain, and the rocket men and women who had came to Venus to set up civilization and live out their lives .” Lastly, t ransitions are used effectively throughout, providing for a well-structured essay that flows effortlessly from one idea to the next. “ Before their hour in which the enormous solar star presented itself to them, they did not know how Margot felt, away from the sun after being in its presence . … Now, after seeing the sun, they changed their perspective and viewed the sun coming out as an occasion that deserved revelry .”

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the language use and style is sophisticated, creative, and highly effective. The author demonstrates precise language use, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and artful word choice. In addition, sentences are well structured and varied. The following passage illustrates these qualities: “ Now, after seeing the sun, they changed their perspective and viewed the sun coming out as an occasion that deserved revelry. Margot must have seen the sun likewise, and now they are much more alike than before. This made them accept Margot, for the only reason they denied her in the beginning was because they were different. Being equals helps understanding, and understanding breeds empathy .”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling and any minor errors that do exist do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message, as demonstrated by the following: “ I believe that the whole problem originated from misunderstanding. If they had understood her, she wouldn't have missed the sun. It was neither of them's fault; it is just the way things go .”

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury, the story takes place in the future. But the setting takes place on the planet Venus. On Venus, it rains year round except every seven years for one hour. Margot, the main character, is a nine year old girl who clearly remembers the sun because she came to Venus much later than the other kids. Jealous, the other kids makes fun of Margot and say she is a liar. But after they see the sun, they change and feel sorry for what the had done to Margot.

After Margot's classmates see the sun after seven years of rain, they change. They release her from the closet they locked her in before the sun came out and Ray Bradbury ends the story leaving me with many questions. The way I think the kids changed is that they realize why Margot is so pale and looks depressed. She needs the sun like a plant needs the sunlight to live and be beautiful. Margot seems to have no color left in her like a dead plant.

The quote I read about Margot really is descriptive. “She was a very frail girl who looked as if she had been lost in the rain for years, and the rain had washed out the blue from her eyes and the red from her mouth and the yellow from her hair. She was an old photograph dusted from an album, whitened away... .” The quote made me understand what she really wants. She wants her old friend, the sun, to replenish her. If she did, she could have been more happy and maybe her color would come back to her ghostly face.

This quote is the end of the story, when Margot's classmates change. “They unlocked the door, even more slowly, and let Margot out.” This left me with lots of ideas of how the story would end. One of my ideas was that Margot left to Earth the following year and made friends with her classmates on Venus. The classmates are happy for her to go back to Earth and her color shall thrive again once Margot sees the sun.

In conclusion, I think this story of curiosity, jealousy, and more was an intresting science-fiction story. Margot reminds me of when I was a little kid about her age. I would get bullied, teased, and put down. In the end, Margot is finally respected and possibly has new friends, just like what happened to me as a young girl with many differences.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author demonstrates good focus and meaning throughout the essay, as illustrated by the last two sentences of the introduction: “ Jealous, the other kids makes fun of Margot and say she is a liar. But after they see the sun, they change and feel sorry for what the had done to Margot .” This essay’s writer clearly focuses on the specific changes experienced by Margot’s classmates and makes clear connections among the task and the ideas in the text through the use of specific details.

Content & Development

The content in this essay is clearly developed. Ideas are developed fully, clearly, and descriptively, using specific and accurate evidence to illustrate the specific changes Margot’s classmates experience upon feeling the warmth of the sun, as evidenced by this excerpt from the second paragraph: “ After Margot's classmates see the sun after seven years of rain, they change. They release her from the closet they locked her in before the sun came out and Ray Bradbury ends the story leaving me with many questions. The way I think the kids changed is that they realize why Margot is so pale and looks depressed .” Furthermore, although content is slightly less developed than that seen in the previous essay, this writer however, discusses two quotes from the text in relation to the changes Margot’s classmates experience upon seeing the sun. “ This quote is the end of the story, when Margot’s classmates change. ‘They unlocked the door, even more slowly, and let Margot out.’ This left me with lots of ideas of how the story would end. One of my ideas was that Margot left to Earth the following year and made friends with her classmates on Venus. The classmates are happy for her to go back to Earth and her color shall thrive again once Margot sees the sun .”

Organization

This essay is well organized throughout with a clear thesis statement as the last line of the introduction, as evidenced by the following: “ But after they see the sun, they change and feel sorry for what the had done to Margot .” The writer demonstrates a mostly unified five-paragraph structure with a good conclusion and mostly consistent use of transitional devices. “ In conclusion, I think this story of curiosity, jealousy, and more was an intresting science-fiction story. Margot reminds me of when I was a little kid about her age. I would get bullied, teased, and put down. In the end, Margot is finally respected and possibly has new friends, just like what happened to me as a young girl with many differences .”

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the author’s use of language and style remains creative and effective. The essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are also well structured with some variety, as demonstrated by the following excerpt: “ The quote made me understand what she really wants. She wants her old friend, the sun, to replenish her. If she did, she could have been more happy and maybe her color would come back to her ghostly face .”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and/or spelling are few and minor and do not interfere significantly with the communication of the author’s message, as seen by the following: “ In conclusion, I think this story of curiosity, jealousy, and more was an intresting science-fiction story .”

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In “All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury the classmates show sufficent changes in views of Margot from the beginning to the end. At the beginning of the story the classmates despised and rejected Margot because the where jealous that she could remember the sun. At the end after the class saw the sun and went out to play in it they felt bad that they treated Margot the way they did.

When Margot said to the class that she could remember the sun the students all where jealous. Because she was from earth she remembered the sun (it was only five years ago that she moved to Venus). All the other kids were on venus there whole lives and seven years ago the last time the sun came out they where all too young to remember experiencing it. The day before therereacher had the students all right stories about the sun, Margot’s poem was I think the sun is a flower,that blooms for just one hour. When Margot told the people that she could possibly be going back to earth they all where disgusted and threw her in the closet and locked her in.

At the second half of the story the students attitudes change greatly toward Margot. Once the rain started slowing the teacher arrives and asks if all the students are ready. Finally after seven long years the rain stopped and the clouds parted letting through the suns hot golden rays. When the people go outside and feel the hot rays of the sun for the first time in seven years they are changed. After running around in the sweltering heat for an hour the dark gloomy and rainy weather returns only to continue for another seven long hard years. Once the students get back inside the instantly remember Margot in the closet. They are ashamed that they had treated her this way because she needed the sun the most. Margot had turned into a dark pale ghost like an old black and white photograph pulled from an album.

In conclusion, Margot a girl from Earth moves to Venus where the sun comes out for only one hour every seven years. At first the kids all despise Margot because she was from earth and could remember the sun. After the sun comes out the Students attitudes arecanged they realize that all that Margot said about the sun was true andd she could remember its warmth and light.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer maintains adequate focus and meaning. The author establishes the idea of change in Margot’s classmates and makes implied connections among the task and the ideas in the text through the use of a compare-and-contrast method, where he/she takes a look at the students’ attitude in the beginning and end of the story. The writer’s focus and meaning are illustrated in the introductory paragraph: “ In ‘All Summer in a Day’ by Ray Bradbury the classmates show sufficent changes in views of Margot from the beginning to the end. At the beginning of the story the classmates despised and rejected Margot because the where jealous that she could remember the sun. At the end after the class saw the sun and went out to play in it they felt bad that they treated Margot the way they did .”

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas throughout this essay. Ideas are developed sufficiently, as the writer provides some details and evidence to support the idea of the changes experienced by Margot’s classmates. However, content regarding the classmates’ changes is restricted to only one body paragraph, as demonstrated by the following excerpt: “ When the people go outside and feel the hot rays of the sun for the first time in seven years they are changed. After running around in the sweltering heat for an hour the dark gloomy and rainy weather returns only to continue for another seven long hard years. Once the students get back inside the instantly remember Margot in the closet. They are ashamed that they had treated her this way because she needed the sun the most. Margot had turned into a dark pale ghost like an old black and white photograph pulled from an album .”

Organization

The writer demonstrates adequate organization in the essay with a basic thesis statement as the last sentence of the introduction (“ At the end after the class saw the sun and went out to play in it they felt bad that they treated Margot the way they did ”) and consistent use of topic sentences and transitional devices (“ At the second half of the story the students attitudes change greatly toward Margot ”). Furthermore, the essay, which features a generally unified structure consisting of four, rather than five paragraphs, has an adequate conclusion summing up the ideas put forth in the essay, as demonstrated by the following: “ In conclusion, Margot a girl from Earth moves to Venus where the sun comes out for only one hour every seven years. At first the kids all despise Margot because she was from earth and could remember the sun. After the sun comes out the Students attitudes arecanged they realize that all that Margot said about the sun was true andd she could remember its warmth and light .”

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay are adequate with appropriate word choice, an apparent voice and awareness of audience, and correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentences and word choice are a bit simpler, yet still correctly utilized. “ The day before therereacher had the students all right stories about the sun, Margot’s poem was I think the sun is a flower,that blooms for just one hour. When Margot told the people that she could possibly be going back to earth they all where disgusted and threw her in the closet and locked her in .”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout this essay. There are several errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling however, that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message, as evidenced by the following excerpt: “ When Margot said to the class that she could remember the sun the students all where jealous. Because she was from earth she remembered the sun (it was only five years ago that she moved to Venus). All the other kids were on venus there whole lives and seven years ago the last time the sun came out they where all too young to remember experiencing it .”

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

All summers in a day is about how a girl Margot lived on Earth but came to Venus. On Venus it always rained, but every seven years the sun comes out just for a while. All the kids on Venus couldn’t remember the sun or how it looked liked, but margot new how it was and how it looked like because she lived on Earth. Margot’s classmates were jealous of her so they were always mean to her, but Margot never cared all she wanted was to see the sun again. Just before the sun came out they locked Margot in the closet so she wouldn't she it.They kept her in there for a while and forgot to get her out. So the sun came out. It was the color of flaming bronze and it was large. And the sky around it was a blazing blue tile color.

When the sun came and left the children forgot that Margot was still in the closest.When they realize that Margot was still in the closet they felt bad that Margot didn’t get to see the sun because they locked her in the closet.The children felt guilty for what they had done, Margot begun to cry because she hasn’t seen the sun since she came to Venus and she really wanted to see the sun. Now she has to wait for another seven years. They didn't mean to keep her in there all day but they were going to take her out before the sun came out. Now it was to late and the children felt sad and really sorry for what they had done. Now they realize how mean they have been to margot. Not only did Margot missed the sun but also how the sun felt.

All the children said sorry and that they didn't mean to make her cry. After the kids knew how mean they had been to her since she came to Venus they felt bad about it. So after the kids started to play with her and they became friends they knew that after all that Margot wasn’t so bad after all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning. He/she only briefly discusses how Margot’s classmates change after they experience the sun. The rest of the essay functions as more of a summary to provide background information about the story. The author makes few connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a vague controlling idea, as demonstrated by the following: “ All summers in a day is about how a girl Margot lived on Earth but came to Venus. On Venus it always rained, but every seven years the sun comes out just for a while. All the kids on Venus couldn’t remember the sun or how it looked liked, but margot new how it was and how it looked like because she lived on Earth. Margot’s classmates were jealous of her so they were always mean to her, but Margot never cared all she wanted was to see the sun again .”

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently in only one actual body paragraph, using little specific and accurate details to support the writer’s main ideas. The essay only briefly touches on the changes the children experience after they see the sun, as much of the essay is devoted to providing background information about the story for the reader. For example, the following paragraph begins with some background about the story before delving into the changes the children experience: “ When the sun came and left the children forgot that Margot was still in the closest.When they realize that Margot was still in the closet they felt bad that Margot didn't get to see the sun because they locked her in the closet.The children felt guilty for what they had done, Margot begun to cry because she hasn’t seen the sun since she came to Venus and she really wanted to see the sun. Now she has to wait for another seven years. They didn’t mean to keep her in there all day but they were going to take her out before the sun came out. Now it was to late and the children felt sad and really sorry for what they had done. Now they realize how mean they have been to margot. Not only did Margot missed the sun but also how the sun felt .”

Organization

There is limited organization throughout this essay. The main idea of the essay is unclear and doesn’t come together until the second paragraph, and there are few transitional devices used to connect ideas from one paragraph to another. The writer of the essay also d emonstrates evidence of a limited structure with a weak introduction and conclusion. The conclusion is rather brief, while the introduction acts as more of a summary: “ All summers in a day is about how a girl Margot lived on Earth but came to Venus. On Venus it always rained, but every seven years the sun comes out just for a while. All the kids on Venus couldn’t remember the sun or how it looked liked, but margot new how it was and how it looked like because she lived on Earth. Margot’s classmates were jealous of her so they were always mean to her, but Margot never cared all she wanted was to see the sun again. Just before the sun came out they locked Margot in the closet so she wouldn’t she it.They kept her in there for a while and forgot to get her out. So the sun came out. It was the color of flaming bronze and it was large. And the sky around it was a blazing blue tile color .”

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style is limited throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and only a somewhat apparent voice. There is little sentence variety and limited word choice. “ All the children said sorry and that they didn't mean to make her cry. After the kids knew how mean they had been to her since she came to Venus they felt bad about it. So after the kids started to play with her and they became friends they knew that after all that Margot wasn't so bad after all .”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the essay maintains only a limited control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent and may detract from the communication of the intended message, as demonstrated by the following excerpt: “ All summers in a day is about how a girl Margot lived on Earth but came to Venus. On Venus it always rained, but every seven years the sun comes out just for a while. All the kids on Venus couldn’t remember the sun or how it looked liked, but margot new how it was and how it looked like because she lived on Earth. Margot’s classmates were jealous of her so they were always mean to her, but Margot never cared all she wanted was to see the sun again. Just before the sun came out they locked Margot in the closet so she wouldn't she it.They kept her in there for a while and forgot to get her out .”

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this narritve the main character Margot really wants to see the sun more then anything.But the secondary characters get tired qof her, so the lock her in the closet before their teacher came back. The really never cared aboutMargot the just cared for themselfand their friends.

In the story “ALL SUMMER IN A DAY” Morgot is a girl who always dreamed to see the sun.But the same day the sun came out all the kids had turned against her. So her in a closet. As the other kids waited for the sun to come out. When the sun came out they had all rushed out to go see the sun. Her teacher never even notice that they locked her up. The childern rushed out to go play in the sun. All of sudden it started to rain so they went inside. But when they came in they then relized they had did something wrong. So they went to the closet and opened it for her to come out. But when Margot came out down. Everyone else felt bad about what they did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author maintains minimal focus and meaning. The essay functions more as a summary of the story, with the end of the last paragraph finally addressing the purpose of the writing task. “ When the sun came out they had all rushed out to go see the sun. Her teacher never even notice that they locked her up. The childern rushed out to go play in the sun. All of sudden it started to rain so they went inside. But when they came in they then relized they had did something wrong. So they went to the closet and opened it for her to come out. But when Margot came out down. Everyone else felt bad about what they did .”

Content & Development

The content in this essay is minimal and poorly developed. The second paragraph of the essay contains some good ideas, but they are only briefly and incompletely developed near the end of the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph is merely providing background information, as evidenced by this passage: “ In the story ''ALL SUMMER IN A DAY'' Morgot is a girl who always dreamed to see the sun.But the same day the sun came out all the kids had turned against her. So her in a closet. As the other kids waited for the sun to come out. When the sun came out they had all rushed out to go see the sun. Her teacher never even notice that they locked her up. The childern rushed out to go play in the sun. All of sudden it started to rain so they went inside. But when they came in they then relized they had did something wrong. So they went to the closet and opened it for her to come out. But when Margot came out down. Everyone else felt bad about what they did .”

Organization

The writer of this essay demonstrates only min imal organization. There is little evidence of transitional devices, with only few used. The essay’s structure is also weak, consisting of only two paragraphs and no conclusion. Lastly, the introductory paragraph fails to provide an overall main idea about how the students change after experiencing the sun, as illustrated by this passage: “ In this narritve the main character Margot really wants to see the sun more then anything.But the secondary characters get tired qof her, so the lock her in the closet before their teacher came back. The really never cared aboutMargot the just cared for themselfand their friends .”

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal skill in language use and style. Language use is weak, with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent, and word choice is quite minimal, as illustrated by the following excerpt: “ In the story “ALL SUMMER IN A DAY” Morgot is a girl who always dreamed to see the sun.But the same day the sun came out all the kids had turned against her. So her in a closet. As the other kids waited for the sun to come out. When the sun came out they had all rushed out to go see the sun. Her teacher never even notice that they locked her up. The childern rushed out to go play in the sun .”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are found in the essay, which substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s intended message. “ In this narritve the main character Margot really wants to see the sun more then anything.But the secondary characters get tired qof her, so the lock her in the closet before their teacher came back. The really never cared aboutMargot the just cared for themselfand their friends .”

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

boom!!boom!! lightining & thunder strikes venous & and the bad part about it it happens for nine years straight. About ten kids live on venouse and only one ( margot ) renembers seeing the sun. While they wait for the sun. They have to stay under heat lamps margot is the only one who does not fit in and gets teased by bully william. William does not think margot remebers the sun. This is what happens in all summer in a day. Mean while they are all waiting for the sun they tease margot and put her in a closet. but they see the sun and it changes them because it's all summer in a day

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author establishes inadequate focus and meaning. He/she fails to adequately and accurately discuss the ways in which Margot’s classmates change after experiencing the sun. The essay is merely a brief summary of the story, with the last sentence mentioning that the children change in the story, but with no specific mention of how, as evidenced by the following: “ boom!!boom!! lightining & thunder strikes venous & and the bad part about it it happens for nine years straight. About ten kids live on venouse and only one ( margot ) renembers seeing the sun. While they wait for the sun. They have to stay under heat lamps margot is the only one who does not fit in and gets teased by bully william. William does not think margot remebers the sun. This is what happens in all summer in a day. Mean while they are all waiting for the sun they tease margot and put her in a closet. but they see the sun and it changes them because it’s all summer in a day ”.

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content with little development. The essay fails to develop ideas and to provide an appropriate number of details to support the focus of the prompt. For example, the last sentence of the essay states that experiencing the sun changes the children, but there is no mentioning of how it changes them. “ Mean while they are all waiting for the sun they tease margot and put her in a closet. but they see the sun and it changes them because it's all summer in a day ”

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed, and the author’s use of organization is inadequate for the required assignment. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, with only one general paragraph, no separate introduction or conclusion, and little evidence of transitional devices between sentences and ideas, as demonstrated by the following: “ boom!!boom!! lightining & thunder strikes venous & and the bad part about it it happens for nine years straight. About ten kids live on venouse and only one ( margot ) renembers seeing the sun. While they wait for the sun. They have to stay under heat lamps margot is the only one who does not fit in and gets teased by bully william. William does not think margot remebers the sun. This is what happens in all summer in a day. Mean while they are all waiting for the sun they tease margot and put her in a closet. but they see the sun and it changes them because it’s all summer in a day ”.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is inadequate, with unclear language use and no awareness of audience or evidence of voice. In addition, there are major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. Furthermore, slang is used in the essay and should not be included in a formal writing assignment. “ boom!!boom!! lightining & thunder strikes venous & and the bad part about it it happens for nine years straight. About ten kids live on venouse and only one ( margot ) renembers seeing the sun. While they wait for the sun. They have to stay under heat lamps margot is the only one who does not fit in and gets teased by bully william .”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message, as seen in the following excerpt: “ boom!!boom!! lightining & thunder strikes venous & and the bad part about it it happens for nine years straight. About ten kids live on venouse and only one ( margot ) renembers seeing the sun. While they wait for the sun. They have to stay under heat lamps margot is the only one who does not fit in and gets teased by bully william. William does not think margot remebers the sun. This is what happens in all summer in a day ”.

Analysis of a Literary Character

We understand characters in literature by paying attention to what they say, what they do, and how other characters react to them. The author of a novel will help us understand a character by describing how that character reacts in certain situations. Select a character from a novel you have read in class and analyze that character’s personality. What adjectives would you choose to describe the character? What information and evidence from the novel supports the use of those adjectives?

In a multi-paragraph essay, use adjectives to analyze a character from one of the novels you have read in class. Use quotations, details, and examples from the novel to support your selection of adjectives.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Samurai's Tale, by Erik Christian Haugaard, is a novel that tells the experience of a young samurai in medieval Japan . In the story, a boy of the family Murakami becomes orphaned during the constant wars caused by the struggle for power in Japan . The general that was responsible for the murder of his family, Lord Akiyama, accepted the young Murakami boy as his servant, and gives him the name Taro. Then, the story tells the tale of how Taro, as a servant, matures into a young samurai and obtains the name Marukami Harutomo through many adventures and experiences. As Akiyama's samurai, Harutomo performed his duties as a samurai during a war. At the end of the story, Akiyama and his castle is demolished by the opposing army and Harutomo escapes from the chaos to a safe town named Kofuchu with his love. Throughout the story, Haugaard shows the life of Harutomo, and ultimately, aspects of this character’s personality shine.

One attribute of Harutomo has that is shown throughout the whole story is that he is very courageous. An example of his bravery takes place during the end of the story when Harutomo helps Akiyama deliver a message to another lord. This required bravery because if he was detected by the enemy's army, his penalty would have been to be hanged. Additionally, Harutomo's bravery is further illustrated in the novel when he attempts to battle Lord Akiyama with a bamboo sword, even when his defeat is inevitable. Furthermore, Harutomo's bravery is demonstrated when he battles a samurai named Minbu. The possibility of victory was very slim for Harutomo. Minbu was a very experienced samurai while Harutomo lacked the skills to wield a sword. However, Harutomo manages to defeat the samurai by finding a weakness in his defenses. This all shows Harutomo's courage throughout the story.

Generosity is another characteristic that is displayed in Harutomo throughout the story. On several occasions, Harutomo spares the lives of his opponents. A moment where Harutomo spared his opponent's life was after he severely injured Minbu during a battle. After Minbu's defeat, the samurai requested that Harutomo should behead him, but Harutomo refused. Another occasion was when Harutomo caught a thief attempting to steal his rice. Instead of killing the thief, he only beat the thief harshly. Harutomo is also very charitable when handling money. During one section of the story, when Harutomo works as a messenger, he refuses the money a peasant pays him when he delivers a message. These events show Harutomo's generosity during the story.

Haugaard makes Harutomo a character with a realistic personality by giving him a trait shared by almost everyone. One example of this is ambition, the eternal desire to strive for more. For example, as a slave named Taro, Harutomo deeply aspired to become a samurai and the story states, "The dog Taro was strong and healthy, but not content with being a dog." However, when Harutomo finally became a samurai, he realized that he was not content with the duties of a young samurai, which was to supply the army with loads of rice.

Another example of a very realistic trait that Harutomo has is he believes that he is the center of the world. When Harutomo first gained his samurai name, he anticipated that the master of Lord Akiyama, Lord Takeda Shingen to remember his name. After Harutomo realized that he made a rude statement, Akiyama reassures Taro by stating, "The center of each man's soul is the center of the world." The quotation states that every man thinks he is the most important person in the world. These traits make Harutomo's character realistic.

Haugaard's novel tells the tale of the youth of Harutomo. Throughout Harutomo's life, the young boy endured the many obstacles of his difficult life as he became a samurai. As the story progresses, his personality begins to develop and Harutomo's many characteristics are revealed, which include bravery and generosity. Haugaard also expands Harutomo's personality by giving him very realistic traits such as ambition. Haugaard successfully develops a character throughout the story with a very distinct personality.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the character and dialogue, thus connecting the essay question to the text. (“For example, as a slave named Taro, Harutomo deeply aspired to become a samurai and the story states, ‘The dog Taro was strong and healthy, but not content with being a dog.’”) The essay includes details regarding specific information about the character. (“Generosity is another characteristic that is displayed in Harutomo throughout the story. On several occasions, Harutomo spares the lives of his opponents.”) Relevant points explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“Harutomo is also very charitable when handling money. During one section of the story, when Harutomo works as a messenger, he refuses the money a peasant pays him when he delivers a message.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. In particular, the essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Samurai's Tale, by Erik Christian Haugaard, is a novel that tells the experience of a young samurai in medieval Japan . In the story, a boy of the family Murakami becomes orphaned during the constant wars caused by the struggle for power in Japan .”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Another example of a very realistic trait that Harutomo has is he believes that he is the center of the world. When Harutomo first gained his samurai name, he anticipated that the master of Lord Akiyama, Lord Takeda Shingen to remember his name. After Harutomo realized that he made a rude statement, Akiyama reassures Taro . . . .”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ Haugaard successfully develops a character throughout the story with a very distinct personality.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. For example, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ A moment where Harutomo spared his opponent's life was after he severely injured Minbu during a battle. After Minbu's defeat, the samurai requested that Harutomo should behead him, but Harutomo refused. Another occasion was when Harutomo caught a thief attempting to steal his rice. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ One attribute of Harutomo has that is shown throughout the whole story is that he is very courageous. An example of his bravery takes place during the end of the story when Harutomo helps Akiyama deliver a message to another lord. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ As the story progresses, his personality begins to develop and Harutomo's many characteristics are revealed, which include bravery and generosity. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling within the essay. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Haugaard's novel tells the tale of the youth of Harutomo. Throughout Harutomo's life, the young boy endured the many obstacles of his difficult life as he became a samurai. As the story progresses, his personality begins to develop and Harutomo's many characteristics are revealed, which include bravery and generosity. Haugaard also expands Harutomo's personality by giving him very realistic traits such as ambition. Haugaard successfully develops a character throughout the story with a very distinct personality.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the novel "Huckleberry Finn" I chose to analyze Huck's personality. He is the main character in the intriguing story. You will find yourself hooked on the story immediately after you finish the first page. The story tells of a young boy who escapes from his evil and mean drunken father who tries to steal his treasure. Huck makes friend with Jim, a runaway slave. Together Huck and Jim float towards freedom on a raft down the Mississippi River . On their adventures they find thieves, murderers, con men, and hucksters. Huck learns the pains and pleasures of life in this wonderful story of friendship. I think Huck is a amazing character because he is clever, adventurous, and brave.

First of all, Huck is clever. He could be a secret agent spy if he wanted to be. When Huck's father is after him he cleverly escapes by sawing his way out of a wood cabin. It took him hours and hours, and he had conceal his progress from is evil father. He escaped, but he didn't just run for his dear life; he set a murder scene. He mashes his father's cabin door and kills a pig for his "blood". He spreads his hairs all over the place. Huck masterfully set up is father for trouble, which he certainly deserves. That is just one of the examples of how Huck is very clever. Another example takes place in the town when Huck lived with the Widow who cared for him. Huck has inherited a small fortune. His father was about to swipe it from Huck's grasp. He goes down to the bank and signs the loan away to the owner, Judge. His father is enraged about the ordeal. I think Huck is very smart to do this.

Secondly, Huck is a great character because he is adventurous. Huck was never afraid to wander our into unfamiliar territory. When he escapes from his father's cabin and sets a murder scene, Huck ventures on to a canoe, and pushes out to shore. I do not think I would have this kind of adventurous attitude. Huck looks for opportunities to go outside where most people go. I admire this quality in Huckleberry Finn.

Lastly, Huck is brave. Along with being extremely adventurous, Huck is brave. This is a much needed quality in a person. You never know what you might have to face in the future, it is always good to be prepared with courage. Huck has to leave all he has ever known. This takes immense courage and bravery. Huck is fearless and audacious. I do not have this quality. When ever Huck is in trouble, and other people buckle under pressure, Huck stands strong. People react to this very well. Some people may think bravery is not needed because we live in mostly normal conditions, but I disagree because you don't know the future. It always helps to be prepared.

In summary, I think Huck is a fantastic character that inspires many, including myself and my family. I say this because Huckleberry Finn is most definitely brave, clever, and adventurous in many ways. I encourage you to read this book and become more like the amazing Huck. Tell your friends and family. I guarantee they will enjoy this novel!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling/central idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary topic well. (“ I think Huck is a amazing character because he is clever, adventurous, and brave.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ First of all, Huck is clever. He could be a secret agent spy if he wanted to be. When Huck's father is after him he cleverly escapes by sawing his way out of a wood cabin.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ Along with being extremely adventurous, Huck is brave. This is a much needed quality in a person. You never know what you might have to face in the future, it is always good to be prepared with courage.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the theme of the literary topic, including specific information about the main character. (“ Huck was never afraid to wander our into unfamiliar territory. When he escapes from his father's cabin and sets a murder scene, Huck ventures on to a canoe, and pushes out to shore.”) The essay includes good, specific details that relate to other characters. (“ When Huck's father is after him he cleverly escapes by sawing his way out of a wood cabin. It took him hours and hours, and he had conceal his progress from is evil father. He escaped, but he didn't just run for his dear life; he set a murder scene.”) The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ When ever Huck is in trouble, and other people buckle under pressure, Huck stands strong. People react to this very well. Some people may think bravery is not needed because we live in mostly normal conditions, but I disagree because you don't know the future. It always helps to be prepared.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ In the novel "Huckleberry Finn" I chose to analyze Huck's personality. He is the main character in the intriguing story. You will find yourself hooked on the story immediately after you finish the first page.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. ( Secondly, Huck is a great character because he is adventurous . . . Lastly, Huck is brave.”) The conclusion summarizes the main point of the essay well. (“ In summary, I think Huck is a fantastic character that inspires many, including myself and my family. I say this because Huckleberry Finn is most definitely brave, clever, and adventurous in many ways. I encourage you to read this book and become more like the amazing Huck.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ He could be a secret agent spy if he wanted to be. When Huck's father is after him he cleverly escapes by sawing his way out of a wood cabin. It took him hours and hours, and he had conceal his progress from is evil father. He escaped, but he didn't just run for his dear life; he set a murder scene. He mashes his father's cabin door and kills a pig for his ‘blood’.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ When he escapes from his father's cabin and sets a murder scene, Huck ventures on to a canoe, and pushes out to shore. I do not think I would have this kind of adventurous attitude. Huck looks for opportunities to go outside where most people go. I admire this quality in Huckleberry Finn.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Some people may think bravery is not needed because we live in mostly normal conditions, but I disagree because you don't know the future.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ In summary, I think Huck is a fantastic character that inspires many, including myself and my family. I say this because Huckleberry Finn is most definitely brave, clever, and adventurous in many ways. I encourage you to read this book and become more like the amazing Huck. Tell your friends and family. I guarantee they will enjoy this novel!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard of the books Holly's Heart? They are a set of books for young teenage girls. In the book, the main character is Holly. Holly is a young girl who faces challenges that a 7th, 8th, and 9th grader would face with boys and classes and other things. In the latest book that I have read, Holly's mom, who is divorced and has dated one man and disliked him, and was now dating Holly's Uncle. In the book, Holly's mom is getting ready for her wedding and Holly wants to help a ton. Holly is helpful, quiet and sweet.

Holly is a helpful character. Holly always is trying to help out people, when her cousins move into town, and everyone goes crazy over her cousin and she is always helping to introduce people to him so that the cousin (Stan) will know a ton of girls. Holly is also trying to help out with her mother's wedding by choosing a dress, so her mother compromises and lets Holly choose her dress and her sisters. So Holly is trying to be helpful in everything she does. Holly is a helpful character.

Holly is quiet. Holly never speaks out and yells, that is her best friend (Andy's) job. Holly tends to be quiet and write in her journal rather than shout and scream at people. In the book Holly chooses out lilac dresses for the bridesmaids and her mother chooses an apricot dress. The colors clash at the wedding and Holly's cousin (Phillip) faints and the ring bearer, Stan, has to take him out. The Uncle then has to pull a fake ring from Holly's mom's ear and present it. Also, the girls bring a cat and the Uncle is allergic to the cat and sneezes everywhere. The entire wedding is a disaster and when people talk about it later, Holly ducks her head and runs away. Holly is very quiet girl.

Holly is a very sweet girl. She is always helping out and trying to make people better. In the book, Holly puts her old heartthrob who is a flirt and a jerk through a test to make him become a better person. Holly always baby-sits her cousins and everyone even though it is her older cousin's job. She doesn't mind, but it is still horrible to have to babysit night after night. So Holly always puts up with it and it shows that she is sweet. Holly is always looking out for people and helping them. Holly is a sweet girl.

That is Holly for you, she is sweet, quiet, and helpful. That is why Holly is such a cool person. Holly has other books, which I will probably be doing reports on later. I think Holly is a good role model. So if you ever come across a Holly's Heart book be sure to pick it up and read it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary topic through a controlling/central idea. Specifically, the thesis statement states the writer’s point of view adequately. (“ In the book, Holly's mom is getting ready for her wedding and Holly wants to help a ton. Holly is helpful, quiet and sweet.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ Holly is a very sweet girl. She is always helping out and trying to make people better.”) The intended audience is adequately understood. (“I think Holly is a good role model. So if you ever come across a Holly's Heart book be sure to pick it up and read it.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the text. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis. (“ Holly is a helpful character. Holly always is trying to help out people, when her cousins move into town, and everyone goes crazy over her cousin and she is always helping to introduce people to him so that the cousin (Stan) will know a ton of girls.”) The essay includes facts, examples, and explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ Holly is quiet. Holly never speaks out and yells . . .Holly tends to be quiet and write in her journal rather than shout and scream at people.”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ In the book Holly chooses out lilac dresses for the bridesmaids and her mother chooses an apricot dress. The colors clash at the wedding and Holly's cousin (Phillip) faints and the ring bearer, Stan, has to take him out. The Uncle then has to pull a fake ring from Holly's mom's ear and present it. Also, the girls bring a cat and the Uncle is allergic to the cat and sneezes everywhere.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever heard of the books Holly's Heart? They are a set of books for young teenage girls.”) The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ Holly is helpful, quiet and sweet.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ That is Holly for you, she is sweet, quiet, and helpful. That is why Holly is such a cool person. Holly has other books, which I will probably be doing reports on later. I think Holly is a good role model. So if you ever come across a Holly's Heart book be sure to pick it up and read it.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ So Holly always puts up with it and it shows that she is sweet. Holly is always looking out for people and helping them. Holly is a sweet girl.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ Holly is a young girl who faces challenges that a 7th, 8th, and 9th grader would face with boys and classes and other things . . . Holly is helpful, quiet and sweet.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ In the book, Holly puts her old heartthrob who is a flirt and a jerk through a test to make him become a better person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ Holly is a very sweet girl. She is always helping out and trying to make people better. In the book, Holly puts her old heartthrob who is a flirt and a jerk through a test to make him become a better person. Holly always baby-sits her cousins and everyone even though it is her older cousin's job. She doesn't mind, but it is still horrible to have to babysit night after night. So Holly always puts up with it and it shows that she is sweet. Holly is always looking out for people and helping them. Holly is a sweet girl.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Napolean manipulated the animals on the farm in three different ways to use to his advantage. First was Boxer's death. Napolean sent Boxer to the slaughterhouse to be killed. Napolean told Squealer to tell the animals that Boxer's lasts words were,"forward comrades, forward." He told Squealer to do that because he did not want to admit the truth so He got Squealer to convince the animals to what he said.

Second was when the the windmill was finished. Napolean told the animals that the windmill could produce electricity and their would be less work on the farm but it was the same. The animals believed Napolean and built the windmill and it was for the pigs benefit. So that could mean that he is a bad leader.

Last was when the pigs were walking on two legs. The animals were in complete shock but before they could protest. The sheep were taught by Squealer and Napolean to say "Four legs good, two legs better." Napolean used this to his advantage cause he could use his power to convince them that what he does is right. Napolean is a corrupt leader with power that is related to communism.

In conclusion, Napolean had manipulated the animals on animal farm to believe and do what he says. He and the other pigs on the farm started acting like humans which cause the other animals to be in complete shock. Napolean turned into a communist leader who has the animals as his slaves and the animals can't do anything about it or they will be killed or convinced that what Napolean says is right. He went against old Major's beliefs and the way of life he imagin it should be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling/central idea. For example, the essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“Napolean manipulated the animals on the farm in three different ways to use to his advantage. First was Boxer's death. Napolean sent Boxer to the slaughterhouse to be killed. Napolean told Squealer to tell the animals that Boxer's lasts words were,"forward comrades, forward.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“The sheep were taught by Squealer and Napolean to say "Four legs good, two legs better." Napolean used this to his advantage cause he could use his power to convince them that what he does is right. Napolean is a corrupt leader with power that is related to communism.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the character. (“In conclusion, Napolean had manipulated the animals on animal farm to believe and do what he says. He and the other pigs on the farm started acting like humans which cause the other animals to be in complete shock.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Last was when the pigs were walking on two legs. The animals were in complete shock but before they could protest. The sheep were taught by Squealer and Napolean to say ‘Four legs good, two legs better.’”) The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Second was when the the windmill was finished. Napolean told the animals that the windmill could produce electricity and their would be less work on the farm but it was the same.”) The ideas included in the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“Napolean is a corrupt leader with power that is related to communism. ”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. In particular, the introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Napolean manipulated the animals on the farm in three different ways to use to his advantage.”) There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Second was when the the windmill was finished. Napolean told the animals that the windmill could produce electricity and their would be less work on the farm but it was the same.”) The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ In conclusion, Napolean had manipulated the animals on animal farm to believe and do what he says. He and the other pigs on the farm started acting like humans which cause the other animals to be in complete shock.” )

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, there is repetition. (“ Napolean told Squealer to tell the animals . . . He told Squealer to do that because he did not want to admit the truth so He got Squealer to convince the animals to what he said.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Last was when the pigs were walking on two legs. The animals were in complete shock but before they could protest. The sheep were taught by Squealer and Napolean to say ‘Four legs good, two legs better.’”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Napolean turned into a communist leader who has the animals as his slaves and the animals can't do anything about it or they will be killed or convinced that what Napolean says is right. He went against old Major's beliefs and the way of life he imagin it should be.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“Last was when the pigs were walking on two legs. The animals were in complete shock but before they could protest. The sheep were taught by Squealer and Napolean to say ‘Four legs good, two legs better.’ Napolean used this to his advantage cause he could use his power to convince them that what he does is right. Napolean is a corrupt leader with power that is related to communism.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist. She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo. She has a very nice voice. She just transferred from another school. She is very good looking. She is nice and a good loyal friend. She was kind to people because even though Savannah bothered her so much, she still treated her with respect. She loves Jamal and lives in a ghetto.

First she has things in her way. She lives in ghetto so she dies in a tragic gang-related shooting in her neighborhood of south central.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist. She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo.”) The writer uses minimal detail that relates to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“First she has things in her way. She lives in ghetto so she dies in a tragic gang-related shooting in her neighborhood of south central.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“She is nice and a good loyal friend. She was kind to people because even though Savannah bothered her so much, she still treated her with respect. She loves Jamal and lives in a ghetto.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“She is very good looking. She is nice and a good loyal friend. She was kind to people because even though Savannah bothered her so much, she still treated her with respect. She loves Jamal and lives in a ghetto.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo. She has a very nice voice.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“First she has things in her way. She lives in ghetto so she dies in a tragic gang-related shooting in her neighborhood of south central.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ She just transferred from another school. She is very good looking. She is nice and a good loyal friend. She was kind to people because even though Savannah bothered her so much, she still treated her with respect. She loves Jamal and lives in a ghetto.”) The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ She lives in ghetto so she dies in a tragic gang-related shooting in her neighborhood of south central.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist.”) There is repetition. (“ She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo. She has a very nice voice. She just transferred from another school. She is very good looking. She is nice and a good loyal friend.”) The style is not formal. (“ The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist. She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The character I am going to write is Emako she is character from EMAKO BLUE She has long braids that go down to her waist. She is kind of tall. She has nice teeth and a rose tattoo. She has a very nice voice. She just transferred from another school. She is very good looking. She is nice and a good loyal friend. She was kind to people because even though Savannah bothered her so much, she still treated her with respect. She loves Jamal and lives in a ghetto.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling/central idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic; includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue; and a controlling idea is not stated. (“Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Hi my name is mike and i am here because I have to talk about a character. That i am reading about in my novel. So here i go but first i am going to give you some details about what i am gong to write about. First i am going to talk about who the character is and what her problem is. Also about the solution to her big problem. So now et me get started. my book is all about a Fairy named Prilla she is a fairy.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Analysis of an Author’s Style

An author's style describes his/her particular use of language in telling a story. For example, an author may use mostly short or long sentences or a combination of both. An author also may rely mostly on dialogue or just include a small amount of dialogue in a story. In short, an author generally uses a style that best fits the story he/she is telling, as well as the particular setting of the literary work.

In a detailed essay, choose a particular literary work (i.e., novel, short story, poem), and describe the author's use of style within that work. You might want to include how the author's style suits the subject matter and setting and how it contributes to the overall effect of the piece.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, explicates the chronicle of a young man named Nick Caraway in the 1920's trying to coalesce into upper-class society's gossip, crime, and lifestyle. Nick is very candid and genuine, which he later finds to be qualities absent in formal society. Nick, himself, personifies the theme throughout the novel, disclosing the vacant lives that high-class people usually share. The obscene situations that Nick constantly finds himself in is used to show that the lives of high-society are simply synthetic. F. Scott Fitzgerald uses many literary tactics to illustrate his style throughout the narrative. These literary tactics include his use of derisive diction, extensive use of dialogue, and detailed sentence structure.

In relation to the novel, the theme is best seen in F. Scott Fitzgerald's use of sarcastic diction when the protagonist, Nick speaks to or about his high society friends. Fitzgerald uses this diction to exemplify the futility of the upper-class. For example, this quotation, "I lived at West Egg, the well, the less fashionable of the two, though this is a most superficial tag to express the bizarre and not a little sinister contrast between them,"(Nick Carraway), demonstrates a humor or mockery of where the upper-class reside. Words and phrases such as "less fashionable", "superficial", "bizarre", and "sinister" are all used to describe the contrast of living between the "old money" and "new money"; both are still considered upper-class and yet such a distinction exists. F. Scott Fitzgerald wants to convey the trivial obsessions that govern the upper class' time through his sarcastic diction. In addition, using the sarcasm makes evident that Nick does not share these people's lives and he is only an innocent observer.

In addition to using sarcastic diction, F. Scott Fitzgerald utilizes extensive dialogue throughout his novel. In essence, dialogue provides a verbatim understanding of what is occurring in a narrative; authors who use extensive dialogue want readers to pay attention to what is being said and in addition, experience the story line as a character. There are many reasons as to why F. Scott Fitzgerald uses this method: to give attestation to why Nick is sarcastic, make the truth of high-class society apparent, and to show that the story is written by a primary source. For example, "'I'll tell you a family secret,' she whispered enthusiastically. ‘It’s about the butler's nose. Do you want to hear about the butler's nose,'" (Daisy Buchanan) illustrates all three reasons. The first two reasons are shown because the situation is so superficial that it is trivial to contemplate; high class society talks nothing but gossip to fill their empty lives as well as showing that most of the people are hiding something. In addition, the last reason is seen in Daisy's diction. Instead of directly addressing Nick, she says, "you" who feels as though she is telling the reader a secret, creating a feeling of being present with Nick.

Moreover, the final literary tactic that F. Scott Fitzgerald uses is his rather extensive sentence structures. Fitzgerald is very detailed throughout the novel, always providing slight imagery with every sentence. The details are present to allow the reader to feel as though he or she is in the novel. In addition, the details describe the lavishness of the upper-class which is important when trying to make the distinction between "old money" and "new money". The smallest details in the novel are made prevalent so that the reader too, notices the difference between them; it is very important when observing the plot. For example, "When I came home to West Egg that night I was afraid for a moment that my house was on fire Turning a corner, I saw that it was Gatsby's house, lit from tower to cellar," (Nick Carraway), expresses the majesty of "new money" and how outwardly lavish they are in contrast to "old money". In addition, these rich and familiar details allow the reader to truly envision the story plot.

To reiterate, F. Scott Fitzgerald's, The Great Gatsby, is a novel describing the inner workings of the upper-class; how something so similar can still be so different. It allows the reader to really peer into what's truly important to wealthy people in that era. The manner in which Gatsby was murdered was the amalgamation of redemption, realization, and deception. The theme of the novel is expressed brilliantly through the author's cynical articulation, extensive use of conversation, and meticulous sentence arrangement. Fitzgerald does a splendid job at revealing the ugly truth behind the beautiful facade fabricated by the upper-class. It serves as a reminder that, "everything is not what it seems".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the author’s style through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer undoubtedly describes some of the signature literary devices used by Fitzgerald with clear and very descriptive details. (“In relation to the novel, the theme is best seen in F. Scott Fitzgerald's use of sarcastic diction when the protagonist, Nick speaks to or about his high society friends. Fitzgerald uses this diction to exemplify the futility of the upper-class. For example, this quotation, ‘I lived at West Egg, the well, the less fashionable of the two, though this is a most superficial tag to express the bizarre and not a little sinister contrast between them,’(Nick Carraway), demonstrates a humor or mockery of where the upper-class reside.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Moreover, the final literary tactic that F. Scott Fitzgerald uses is his rather extensive sentence structures. Fitzgerald is very detailed throughout the novel, always providing slight imagery with every sentence. The details are present to allow the reader to feel as though he or she is in the novel. In addition, the details describe the lavishness of the upper-class which is important when trying to make the distinction between ‘old money’ and ‘new money’. The smallest details in the novel are made prevalent so that the reader too, notices the difference between them; it is very important when observing the plot.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In addition to using sarcastic diction, F. Scott Fitzgerald utilizes extensive dialogue throughout his novel. In essence, dialogue provides a verbatim understanding of what is occurring in a narrative; authors who use extensive dialogue want readers to pay attention to what is being said and in addition, experience the story line as a character.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Moreover, the final literary tactic that F. Scott Fitzgerald uses is his rather extensive sentence structures. Fitzgerald is very detailed throughout the novel, always providing slight imagery with every sentence. The details are present to allow the reader to feel as though he or she is in the novel. In addition, the details describe the lavishness of the upper-class which is important when trying to make the distinction between ‘old money’ and ‘new money’. The smallest details in the novel are made prevalent so that the reader too, notices the difference between them; it is very important when observing the plot.”)

The essay includes important details that connect the prompt task to the text. (“The smallest details in the novel are made prevalent so that the reader too, notices the difference between them; it is very important when observing the plot. For example, ‘When I came home to West Egg that night I was afraid for a moment that my house was on fire Turning a corner, I saw that it was Gatsby's house, lit from tower to cellar,’ (Nick Carraway), expresses the majesty of ‘new money’ and how outwardly lavish they are in contrast to ‘old money’. In addition, these rich and familiar details allow the reader to truly envision the story plot.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“In addition to using sarcastic diction, F. Scott Fitzgerald utilizes extensive dialogue throughout his novel. In essence, dialogue provides a verbatim understanding of what is occurring in a narrative; authors who use extensive dialogue want readers to pay attention to what is being said and in addition, experience the story line as a character. There are many reasons as to why F. Scott Fitzgerald uses this method: to give attestation to why Nick is sarcastic, make the truth of high-class society apparent, and to show that the story is written by a primary source. For example, ‘'I'll tell you a family secret,’ she whispered enthusiastically. ‘It’s about the butler's nose. Do you want to hear about the butler's nose,’ (Daisy Buchanan) illustrates all three reasons.”)

Organization

The introduction captures the readers’ attention by providing a brief description of the scenario in The Great Gatsby and pinpoints the specific characteristics of the author’s writing style that will be discussed in the essay response. (“ The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, explicates the chronicle of a young man named Nick Caraway in the 1920's trying to coalesce into upper-class society's gossip, crime, and lifestyle. Nick is very candid and genuine, which he later finds to be qualities absent in formal society. Nick, himself, personifies the theme throughout the novel, disclosing the vacant lives that high-class people usually share. The obscene situations that Nick constantly finds himself in is used to show that the lives of high-society are simply synthetic. F. Scott Fitzgerald uses many literary tactics to illustrate his style throughout the narrative. These literary tactics include his use of derisive diction, extensive use of dialogue, and detailed sentence structure.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Moreover, the final literary tactic that F. Scott Fitzgerald uses is his rather extensive sentence structures. Fitzgerald is very detailed throughout the novel, always providing slight imagery with every sentence. The details are present to allow the reader to feel as though he or she is in the novel. In addition, the details describe the lavishness of the upper-class which is important when trying to make the distinction between ‘old money’ and ‘new money’.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ To reiterate, F. Scott Fitzgerald's, The Great Gatsby, is a novel describing the inner workings of the upper-class; how something so similar can still be so different. It allows the reader to really peer into what's truly important to wealthy people in that era. The manner in which Gatsby was murdered was the amalgamation of redemption, realization, and deception. The theme of the novel is expressed brilliantly through the author's cynical articulation, extensive use of conversation, and meticulous sentence arrangement. Fitzgerald does a splendid job at revealing the ugly truth behind the beautiful facade fabricated by the upper-class. It serves as a reminder that, ‘everything is not what it seems’.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, sophisticated word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores the characteristics of Fitzgerald’s writing style using language that aligns with a literary analysis. (“ In addition to using sarcastic diction, F. Scott Fitzgerald utilizes extensive dialogue throughout his novel. In essence, dialogue provides a verbatim understanding of what is occurring in a narrative; authors who use extensive dialogue want readers to pay attention to what is being said and in addition, experience the story line as a character. There are many reasons as to why F. Scott Fitzgerald uses this method: to give attestation to why Nick is sarcastic, make the truth of high-class society apparent, and to show that the story is written by a primary source.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the different literary devices used by Fitzgerald, so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the unique qualities of this author’s style. (“ In relation to the novel, the theme is best seen in F. Scott Fitzgerald's use of sarcastic diction when the protagonist, Nick speaks to or about his high society friends. Fitzgerald uses this diction to exemplify the futility of the upper-class…Words and phrases such as ‘less fashionable’, ‘superficial’, ‘bizarre’, and ‘sinister’ are all used to describe the contrast of living between the ‘old money’ and ‘new money’; both are still considered upper-class and yet such a distinction exists. F. Scott Fitzgerald wants to convey the trivial obsessions that govern the upper class' time through his sarcastic diction.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The smallest details in the novel are made prevalent so that the reader too, notices the difference between them; it is very important when observing the plot. For example, ‘When I came home to West Egg that night I was afraid for a moment that my house was on fire Turning a corner, I saw that it was Gatsby's house, lit from tower to cellar,’ (Nick Carraway), expresses the majesty of ‘new money’ and how outwardly lavish they are in contrast to ‘old money’. In addition, these rich and familiar details allow the reader to truly envision the story plot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ To reiterate, F. Scott Fitzgerald's, The Great Gatsby, is a novel describing the inner workings of the upper-class; how something so similar can still be so different. It allows the reader to really peer into what's truly important to wealthy people in that era. The manner in which Gatsby was murdered was the amalgamation of redemption, realization, and deception. The theme of the novel is expressed brilliantly through the author's cynical articulation, extensive use of conversation, and meticulous sentence arrangement.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hamlet, it's one of William Shakespeare's most well written plays. The story of Hamlet focuses on the lack of trust between family, the greed of others, and the sanity of most of the characters. Hamlet is the play's main character in which he is trying to find a way to retaliate against his uncle, the current king, who killed his father in cold blood to get the kingship of the land. Hamlet pretends to go mad, but in reality is unstable. He is unable to cope with the fact that this event happened and that everyone around him has moved on and suspects nothing. Hamlet has one of the most iconic soliloquies Shakespeare has ever written. Almost everyone knows the first ten words of this. "To be, or not to be, that is the question."

These famous thirty-five lines have much more meaning than what the average person may read. It is the ultimate key into Hamlet's mindset. Shakespeare uses wonderful diction. He uses different pauses and inflections that really make the words come alive. In lines 11-12, Hamlet says, "To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream." The use of the hyphen makes the sentence drag out in a good and positive way. It shows the readers that Hamlet is seriously pondering about this subject; the subject being, suicide. Hamlet thinks that if he dies, he will dream. What will he dream of, though? Would it be of Ophelia? Would it be of a kingdom where his father still lives and rules? Shakespeare made Hamlet such a complex character so these questions could not be answered and would make the readers, and audience, have to think and come up with conclusions on their own.

Imagery, it is a powerful way to represent objects, actions, or ideas. Shakespeare uses imagery frequently in his plays. In Hamlet, Shakespeare used imagery to express Hamlet's emotions and set a deep and meaningful undertone. In lines 22-23, Hamlet says, "To grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death " By using words like "grunt" or "sweat", Shakespeare gives action to words. The reader can imagine what Hamlet is talking about. The reader can hear these hypothetical grunts and see this hypothetical sweat. These lines are in response to an earlier statement Hamlet had made about pondering the idea of suicide. Shakespeare is telling the audience that no matter how tough a man might be, he fears, he dreads, the thought of actually dying.

Shakespeare also used another grammatical rule in his play, Hamlet. Shakespeare also used what is known as syntax. Syntax is when words are used in phrases and sentences to construct meaningful combinations. In lines 9-13, Shakespeare writes, "To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream-ay there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil " These five lines dig deep into Hamlet's current mindset. Hamlet talks about a "mortal coil". This mortal coil is not necessarily defined elsewhere, but it could be thought of as worries. Since Hamlet is thinking about suicide, he knows that dreams may come to him when he is dead. In order for him to achieve these dreams, he needs to let go of this mortal coil. Once Hamlet can let go, the mortal coil dies, and he can dream. By using syntax, Shakespeare uses the pauses and short groups of words to really convey that Hamlet is truly beginning to go insane. Hamlet is not living a lie anymore; he truly is becoming what he knows everyone thinks of him.

Shakespeare is arguably one of the greatest writers to roam this world. By writing the way he did, he captivated audiences, told dramatic and comical stories, and possibly revealed personal problems that he may have encountered and used the plays to express his innermost feelings. Shakespeare utilized many different grammatical techniques to express emotion and get the character's point across to the audience without saying it directly to them. Hamlet's soliloquy was the perfect example of just one of the marvels that Shakespeare wrote.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on William Shakespeare’s famous soliloquy presented in Hamlet. He/she is committed to analyzing Shakespeare’s style and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Shakespeare uses wonderful diction. He uses different pauses and inflections that really make the words come alive. In lines 11-12, Hamlet says, ‘To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream.’ The use of the hyphen makes the sentence drag out in a good and positive way. It shows the readers that Hamlet is seriously pondering about this subject; the subject being, suicide. Hamlet thinks that if he dies, he will dream. What will he dream of, though? Would it be of Ophelia? Would it be of a kingdom where his father still lives and rules? Shakespeare made Hamlet such a complex character so these questions could not be answered and would make the readers, and audience, have to think and come up with conclusions on their own. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information that connect the prompt task to the text. (“ Imagery, it is a powerful way to represent objects, actions, or ideas. Shakespeare uses imagery frequently in his plays. In Hamlet, Shakespeare used imagery to express Hamlet's emotions and set a deep and meaningful undertone. In lines 22-23, Hamlet says, ‘To grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death ‘ By using words like ‘grunt’ or ‘sweat’, Shakespeare gives action to words. The reader can imagine what Hamlet is talking about. The reader can hear these hypothetical grunts and see this hypothetical sweat. These lines are in response to an earlier statement Hamlet had made about pondering the idea of suicide. Shakespeare is telling the audience that no matter how tough a man might be, he fears, he dreads, the thought of actually dying. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the characteristics of Shakespeare’s writing style. (“ By using syntax, Shakespeare uses the pauses and short groups of words to really convey that Hamlet is truly beginning to go insane. Hamlet is not living a lie anymore; he truly is becoming what he knows everyone thinks of him. Shakespeare is arguably one of the greatest writers to roam this world. By writing the way he did, he captivated audiences, told dramatic and comical stories, and possibly revealed personal problems that he may have encountered and used the plays to express his innermost feelings. Shakespeare utilized many different grammatical techniques to express emotion and get the character's point across to the audience without saying it directly to them.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that support the analysis of the highlighted author’s style. (“ These famous thirty-five lines have much more meaning than what the average person may read. It is the ultimate key into Hamlet's mindset. Shakespeare uses wonderful diction. He uses different pauses and inflections that really make the words come alive. In lines 11-12, Hamlet says, ‘To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream.’ The use of the hyphen makes the sentence drag out in a good and positive way. It shows the readers that Hamlet is seriously pondering about this subject; the subject being, suicide. Hamlet thinks that if he dies, he will dream. What will he dream of, though? Would it be of Ophelia? Would it be of a kingdom where his father still lives and rules? Shakespeare made Hamlet such a complex character so these questions could not be answered and would make the readers, and audience, have to think and come up with conclusions on their own. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the text. (“Imagery, it is a powerful way to represent objects, actions, or ideas. Shakespeare uses imagery frequently in his plays. In Hamlet, Shakespeare used imagery to express Hamlet's emotions and set a deep and meaningful undertone. In lines 22-23, Hamlet says, ‘To grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death ‘ By using words like ‘grunt’ or ‘sweat’, Shakespeare gives action to words. The reader can imagine what Hamlet is talking about. The reader can hear these hypothetical grunts and see this hypothetical sweat. These lines are in response to an earlier statement Hamlet had made about pondering the idea of suicide. Shakespeare is telling the audience that no matter how tough a man might be, he fears, he dreads, the thought of actually dying. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Shakespeare also used another grammatical rule in his play, Hamlet. Shakespeare also used what is known as syntax. Syntax is when words are used in phrases and sentences to construct meaningful combinations. In lines 9-13, Shakespeare writes, ‘To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream-ay there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil ‘ These five lines dig deep into Hamlet's current mindset. Hamlet talks about a ‘mortal coil’. This mortal coil is not necessarily defined elsewhere, but it could be thought of as worries.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the response. The essay reflects a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction provides vital background information and entices the readers to continue reading. (“ Hamlet, it's one of William Shakespeare's most well written plays. The story of Hamlet focuses on the lack of trust between family, the greed of others, and the sanity of most of the characters. Hamlet is the play's main character in which he is trying to find a way to retaliate against his uncle, the current king, who killed his father in cold blood to get the kingship of the land. Hamlet pretends to go mad, but in reality is unstable. He is unable to cope with the fact that this event happened and that everyone around him has moved on and suspects nothing. Hamlet has one of the most iconic soliloquies Shakespeare has ever written. Almost everyone knows the first ten words of this. ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question.’ ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Once Hamlet can let go, the mortal coil dies, and he can dream. By using syntax, Shakespeare uses the pauses and short groups of words to really convey that Hamlet is truly beginning to go insane. Hamlet is not living a lie anymore; he truly is becoming what he knows everyone thinks of him. Shakespeare is arguably one of the greatest writers to roam this world. By writing the way he did, he captivated audiences, told dramatic and comical stories, and possibly revealed personal problems that he may have encountered and used the plays to express his innermost feelings. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Shakespeare utilized many different grammatical techniques to express emotion and get the character's point across to the audience without saying it directly to them. Hamlet's soliloquy was the perfect example of just one of the marvels that Shakespeare wrote. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Shakespeare uses wonderful diction. He uses different pauses and inflections that really make the words come alive. In lines 11-12, Hamlet says, ‘To die, to sleep-to sleep, perchance to dream.’ The use of the hyphen makes the sentence drag out in a good and positive way. It shows the readers that Hamlet is seriously pondering about this subject; the subject being, suicide. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Since Hamlet is thinking about suicide, he knows that dreams may come to him when he is dead. In order for him to achieve these dreams, he needs to let go of this mortal coil. Once Hamlet can let go, the mortal coil dies, and he can dream. By using syntax, Shakespeare uses the pauses and short groups of words to really convey that Hamlet is truly beginning to go insane. Hamlet is not living a lie anymore; he truly is becoming what he knows everyone thinks of him. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Imagery, it is a powerful way to represent objects, actions, or ideas. Shakespeare uses imagery frequently in his plays. In Hamlet, Shakespeare used imagery to express Hamlet's emotions and set a deep and meaningful undertone. In lines 22-23, Hamlet says, ‘To grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death ‘ By using words like ‘grunt’ or ‘sweat’, Shakespeare gives action to words. The reader can imagine what Hamlet is talking about. The reader can hear these hypothetical grunts and see this hypothetical sweat. These lines are in response to an earlier statement Hamlet had made about pondering the idea of suicide. Shakespeare is telling the audience that no matter how tough a man might be, he fears, he dreads, the thought of actually dying. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks the spelling of chosen words. (“ The story of Hamlet focuses on the lack of trust between family, the greed of others, and the sanity of most of the characters. Hamlet is the play's main character in which he is trying to find a way to retaliate against his uncle, the current king, who killed his father in cold blood to get the kingship of the land. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Every author has his or her own style of writing. Some authors can be identified just by the way they write without even knowing it was them, for example when you hear a new song and you can tell it is a particular singer because of their style. Some authors use complex language, and others use very simple language. There are many things that can make some authors style unique and different from everybody else. You can always tell when it's your favorite author. In the story The Princess and the Tin Box James Thurber, the author, uses a fairy tale story to give his perspective on society although at first you do not see it; it shines through at the very end.

In this particular piece by James Thurber, the theme is a modern fairy tale with a little twist of humor at the end. Yet, he bases his stories on classical fairy tale settings. His characters are all based on princesses and kings and queens, but yet you could almost picture these people in modern day society. The people are kind of egocentric in this story because the princess has never seen mica or tin or feldspar. The story is so different from all other fairy tales especially at the end.

Thurber uses a lot of humor to practically mock humanity. Granted he is clever at how he does it, as not to offend any individual, it is still unmistakably there. The twists he used in this story gave the story its mocking characteristic. For example, when you think that the princess will pick the useless tin box over one of the other more noble gifts, then she picks the expensive diamond jewelry box and gives the reason of, "It is a very large and expensive box, and when I am married I will meet many other admirers who will give me precious gems which to fill it to the top." The twist is what makes this story different and more interesting than all the other fairy tales.

There is a grammatical element to an author's style, like how they use punctuation and make sentences. In this story Thurber uses lots of similes and metaphors in order to describe his characters and other things in the story. For instance, "Her eyes were like cornflower, her hair was sweeter than hyacinth and her throat made a swan look dusty." He also likes to use longer sentences instead of a bunch of short sentences. Furthermore, Thurber does not use much dialogue instead tells the story by describing the things that are going on, kind of like a silent movie. For example, there are only 2 lines of dialogue in the whole story, one said by the king and one said by the princess. Usually, the grammatical element comes naturally to an author, it is just the way you speak, written on paper.

The Princess and the Tin Box, is a comical fairy tale way of making fun of humanity. The way he does it is his style as an author and all authors have their own style. In many ways the way you write is the way you think and the way you think is your personality. Although sometimes authors write differently then they act, it is still a good indication of who they are. Thurber may not stand out to you the way some authors do but he does stand out to many other people. Just think, style is the way you write.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer selects an author and adequately analyzes some of the characteristics of his writing style. (“In this particular piece by James Thurber, the theme is a modern fairy tale with a little twist of humor at the end. Yet, he bases his stories on classical fairy tale settings. His characters are all based on princesses and kings and queens, but yet you could almost picture these people in modern day society. The people are kind of egocentric in this story because the princess has never seen mica or tin or feldspar. The story is so different from all other fairy tales especially at the end.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the response. He/she devotes details to the main characteristics of Thurber’s writing style to assist the readers in appreciating what makes his work so unique. (“In this story Thurber uses lots of similes and metaphors in order to describe his characters and other things in the story. For instance, ‘Her eyes were like cornflower, her hair was sweeter than hyacinth and her throat made a swan look dusty.’ He also likes to use longer sentences instead of a bunch of short sentences. Furthermore, Thurber does not use much dialogue instead tells the story by describing the things that are going on, kind of like a silent movie.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of informal language. The writer employs some descriptive terms to describe Thurber’s writing style and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“Thurber uses a lot of humor to practically mock humanity. Granted he is clever at how he does it, as not to offend any individual, it is still unmistakably there. The twists he used in this story gave the story its mocking characteristic. For example, when you think that the princess will pick the useless tin box over one of the other more noble gifts, then she picks the expensive diamond jewelry box and gives the reason of, ‘It is a very large and expensive box, and when I am married I will meet many other admirers who will give me precious gems which to fill it to the top.’ The twist is what makes this story different and more interesting than all the other fairy tales.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that demonstrate characteristics of the author’s particular style. (“In this particular piece by James Thurber, the theme is a modern fairy tale with a little twist of humor at the end. Yet, he bases his stories on classical fairy tale settings. His characters are all based on princesses and kings and queens, but yet you could almost picture these people in modern day society. The people are kind of egocentric in this story because the princess has never seen mica or tin or feldspar. The story is so different from all other fairy tales especially at the end.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“There is a grammatical element to an author's style, like how they use punctuation and make sentences. In this story Thurber uses lots of similes and metaphors in order to describe his characters and other things in the story. For instance, ‘Her eyes were like cornflower, her hair was sweeter than hyacinth and her throat made a swan look dusty.’”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Thurber uses a lot of humor to practically mock humanity. Granted he is clever at how he does it, as not to offend any individual, it is still unmistakably there. The twists he used in this story gave the story its mocking characteristic. For example, when you think that the princess will pick the useless tin box over one of the other more noble gifts, then she picks the expensive diamond jewelry box and gives the reason of, ‘It is a very large and expensive box, and when I am married I will meet many other admirers who will give me precious gems which to fill it to the top.’ The twist is what makes this story different and more interesting than all the other fairy tales.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Every author has his or her own style of writing. Some authors can be identified just by the way they write without even knowing it was them, for example when you hear a new song and you can tell it is a particular singer because of their style. Some authors use complex language, and others use very simple language. There are many things that can make some authors style unique and different from everybody else. You can always tell when it's your favorite author. In the story The Princess and the Tin Box James Thurber, the author, uses a fairy tale story to give his perspective on society although at first you do not see it; it shines through at the very end.”)

The writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs . (“ In this particular piece by James Thurber, the theme is a modern fairy tale with a little twist of humor at the end. Yet, he bases his stories on classical fairy tale settings. His characters are all based on princesses and kings and queens, but yet you could almost picture these people in modern day society. The people are kind of egocentric in this story because the princess has never seen mica or tin or feldspar. The story is so different from all other fairy tales especially at the end.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ The Princess and the Tin Box, is a comical fairy tale way of making fun of humanity. The way he does it is his style as an author and all authors have their own style. In many ways the way you write is the way you think and the way you think is your personality. Although sometimes authors write differently then they act, it is still a good indication of who they are. Thurber may not stand out to you the way some authors do but he does stand out to many other people. Just think, style is the way you write. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the response. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Thurber uses a lot of humor to practically mock humanity. Granted he is clever at how he does it, as not to offend any individual, it is still unmistakably there. The twists he used in this story gave the story its mocking characteristic.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she analyzes the characteristics of James Thurber’s writing style. (“ There is a grammatical element to an author's style, like how they use punctuation and make sentences. In this story Thurber uses lots of similes and metaphors in order to describe his characters and other things in the story. For instance, ‘Her eyes were like cornflower, her hair was sweeter than hyacinth and her throat made a swan look dusty.’ He also likes to use longer sentences instead of a bunch of short sentences. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Some authors use complex language, and others use very simple language. There are many things that can make some authors style unique and different from everybody else. You can always tell when it's your favorite author. In the story The Princess and the Tin Box James Thurber, the author, uses a fairy tale story to give his perspective on society although at first you do not see it; it shines through at the very end.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks the spelling of chosen words. (“ The Princess and the Tin Box, is a comical fairy tale way of making fun of humanity. The way he does it is his style as an author and all authors have their own style. In many ways the way you write is the way you think and the way you think is your personality.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What would you do with a magical monkey's paw? The short story "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W Jacobs is about the White family and they recieve a crushed monkey's paw that grants wishes. Even though Mr. White was warned aout the consequences of wishing, he wishes anyway. He later discovers these wishes came out a terrible price. The story warns reasders to be careful what to wish for. Jacob uses several literary devices for examle: foreshadowing, mood, and irony.

The author creates excitment in the story and lots of suspence in the plot. This passage shows foreshadowing, "...i dont know what the first two were but the first two were, but the third was for death. That's how i got the paw." (187) This passage shows foreshadowing because it lets readers know that the wishes he makes come with terrible consequences, also it adds suspence to the story. Jacobs uses foreshadowing so that readers come to their own consequnces or conclusion of the Monkey's Paw.

Jacobs uses mood to create excitment in the story and makes it so you dont want to put the story down. "The old people barried the dead and come back to a house stepped in shadow and silence." (191) This passage shows a very dark mood in the story. Readers feel sad for the couple and feel how lonely their lives are. I feel this is important for the author to add in the story because if we didnt feel mood in the story then it wouldnt be as exciting.

I feel this story is ironic because Herbert, the son, doesnt believe in the paw but in the end of the story hes the one to die. "In consederation of your sons services, they wish to present you with a certain sum as compenstion...two hundered pounds.." (191) This passage shows an ironic twist because readers dont expect herbert to die in order for the wish to be granted. Irony keeps readers on their toes. After Herbert dies the father and mother cannot believe that the monkey's paw actuallly did this to him and the mother wants him to come back and belielives he is still alive.

This story has many literary divises and Jacobs does a very good job of writting this story so its not boring. I was also suprised that herbert died in the end because he didnt even make the wish. After Herbert has died the mother heard a knocking at the door and thought it was her son. To this day we still dont know who was at the door... Was it herbert?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Jacob uses several literary devices for examle: foreshadowing, mood, and irony.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the literary devices found in “The Monkey’s Paw”, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“This story has many literary divises and Jacobs does a very good job of writting this story so its not boring. I was also suprised that herbert died in the end because he didnt even make the wish. After Herbert has died the mother heard a knocking at the door and thought it was her son. To this day we still dont know who was at the door... Was it herbert?”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Jacobs uses mood to create excitment in the story and makes it so you dont want to put the story down. ‘The old people barried the dead and come back to a house stepped in shadow and silence.’ (191) This passage shows a very dark mood in the story. Readers feel sad for the couple and feel how lonely their lives are. I feel this is important for the author to add in the story because if we didnt feel mood in the story then it wouldnt be as exciting.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Jacobs uses mood to create excitment in the story and makes it so you dont want to put the story down. ‘The old people barried the dead and come back to a house stepped in shadow and silence.’ (191) This passage shows a very dark mood in the story. Readers feel sad for the couple and feel how lonely their lives are. I feel this is important for the author to add in the story because if we didnt feel mood in the story then it wouldnt be as exciting.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The author creates excitment in the story and lots of suspence in the plot. This passage shows foreshadowing, ‘...i dont know what the first two were but the first two were, but the third was for death. That's how i got the paw.’ (187) This passage shows foreshadowing because it lets readers know that the wishes he makes come with terrible consequences, also it adds suspence to the story.”)

The writer mentions literary terms throughout the essay but does not clearly demonstrate an understanding of the literary devices used buy the highlighted author. (“I feel this story is ironic because Herbert, the son, doesnt believe in the paw but in the end of the story hes the one to die. ‘In consederation of your sons services, they wish to present you with a certain sum as compenstion... two hundered pounds..’ (191) This passage shows an ironic twist because readers dont expect herbert to die in order for the wish to be granted. Irony keeps readers on their toes.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay response. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ What would you do with a magical monkey's paw? The short story ‘The Monkey's Paw’ by W.W Jacobs is about the White family and they recieve a crushed monkey's paw that grants wishes. Even though Mr. White was warned aout the consequences of wishing, he wishes anyway. He later discovers these wishes came out a terrible price. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Jacobs uses mood to create excitment in the story and makes it so you dont want to put the story down. ‘The old people barried the dead and come back to a house stepped in shadow and silence.’ (191) This passage shows a very dark mood in the story. Readers feel sad for the couple and feel how lonely their lives are. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to briefly summarize a few ideas about the author’s style; the writer focuses on the story more than the author’s style, so the end of the response may leave the readers a bit confused. (“ This story has many literary divises and Jacobs does a very good job of writting this story so its not boring. I was also suprised that herbert died in the end because he didnt even make the wish. After Herbert has died the mother heard a knocking at the door and thought it was her son. To this day we still dont know who was at the door... Was it herbert? ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use, voice, and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition in portions of the essay response. (“ This passage shows foreshadowing, ‘...i dont know what the first two were but the first two were, but the third was for death. That's how i got the paw.’ (187) This passage shows foreshadowing because it lets readers know that the wishes he makes come with terrible consequences, also it adds suspence to the story. Jacobs uses foreshadowing so that readers come to their own consequnces or conclusion of the Monkey's Paw. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone, he/she does not maintain enough focus on the particular characteristics of writing discussed for readers to fully understand the analysis of the selected author’s style. (“ This passage shows an ironic twist because readers dont expect herbert to die in order for the wish to be granted. Irony keeps readers on their toes. After Herbert dies the father and mother cannot believe that the monkey's paw actuallly did this to him and the mother wants him to come back and belielives he is still alive. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay response and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ This passage shows foreshadowing because it lets readers know that the wishes he makes come with terrible consequences, also it adds suspence to the story. Jacobs uses foreshadowing so that readers come to their own consequnces or conclusion of the Monkey's Paw.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks the spelling of chosen words. (“ After Herbert dies the father and mother cannot believe that the monkey's paw actuallly did this to him and the mother wants him to come back and belielives he is still alive. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "Monsters are do on Maple Street" by Rod Sterling. I like Rod's writing style.

One type of writing style is the point of view. One thing i like about it is when Charlie shoots Van Horn because I feel like i can put my self in the drama. Another thing I like is when Les Goodan's car just starts and put myself in his position. Finally I like the part when they got in a fight and then I can put myself in that position.

Another thing I like is the length of how long the acts are. I like it because it gives him more time to express point he is trying to accomplish. Another reason i like it is because it is a longer time of understanding the point he is getting at.

Finally I don't like the amount of characters. I think that there could be a few more characters because it gets really repetitive. I think they could be a few more characters.

All in All, I think that he has a good writing style but he could improve

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are exhibited in the essay. A controlling idea is suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the prompt task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer identifies the highlighted author and some of the characteristics of his style of writing; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Another thing I like is the length of how long the acts are. I like it because it gives him more time to express point he is trying to accomplish. Another reason i like it is because it is a longer time of understanding the point he is getting at.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to sufficiently illustrate the characteristics of the author’s writing style. (“ One type of writing style is the point of view. One thing i like about it is when Charlie shoots Van Horn because I feel like i can put my self in the drama.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to analyze some of the particulars of the author’s style, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers appreciate the style characteristics of the highlighted author. (“Another thing I like is the length of how long the acts are. I like it because it gives him more time to express point he is trying to accomplish. Another reason i like it is because it is a longer time of understanding the point he is getting at.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Finally I don't like the amount of characters. I think that there could be a few more characters because it gets really repetitive. I think they could be a few more characters.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay response, there are minimal main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Another thing I like is when Les Goodan's car just starts and put myself in his position. Finally I like the part when they got in a fight and then I can put myself in that position.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ In the story ‘Monsters are do on Maple Street’ by Rod Sterling. I like Rod's writing style. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect an analysis of an author’s writing style. Also, transitions were not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“One type of writing style is the point of view. One thing i like about it is when Charlie shoots Van Horn because I feel like i can put my self in the drama. Another thing I like is when Les Goodan's car just starts and put myself in his position. Finally I like the part when they got in a fight and then I can put myself in that position.”)

The essay does not include a conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of the essay, and it does not leave readers with an overall impression or appreciation for the writing style of the chosen author. (“ All in All, I think that he has a good writing style but he could improve ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short and choppy. The writer should add more details to make the response more appealing to the intended audience. (“ Another thing I like is the length of how long the acts are. I like it because it gives him more time to express point he is trying to accomplish. Another reason i like it is because it is a longer time of understanding the point he is getting at.”)

Simple and repetitive words choices are employed in many of the sentences in the essay response. (“ In the story ‘Monsters are do on Maple Street’ by Rod Sterling. I like Rod's writing style.”)

Repetitious ideas detract from the effectiveness of the writer’s message. (“ Finally I don't like the amount of characters. I think that there could be a few more characters because it gets really repetitive. I think they could be a few more characters.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The author Jeff Kidney, author of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID series shows goods and bads in my perspective. He shows his animiated, realistic, and sometimes kiddiish thoughts. What I like about Jeff Kidney author style is he shows the main character allways looking animated. I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life. Such as when greg asked two girls out,"Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea that would carry the response to a logical conclusion. It is difficult to determine the characteristics of this author’s style from the response. The essay is unfocused and the ideas are unorganized. (“ The author Jeff Kidney, author of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID series shows goods and bads in my perspective. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life. Such as when greg asked two girls out,’Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“ The author Jeff Kidney, author of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID series shows goods and bads in my perspective. He shows his animiated, realistic, and sometimes kiddiish thoughts. ”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to exhibit adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address some of the particulars of the author’s style, but does not develop the ideas in any way. (“He shows his animiated, realistic, and sometimes kiddiish thoughts. What I like about Jeff Kidney author style is he shows the main character allways looking animated. I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Such as when greg asked two girls out,’Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life. Such as when greg asked two girls out,’Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The author Jeff Kidney, author of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID series shows goods and bads in my perspective. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ What I like about Jeff Kidney author style is he shows the main character allways looking animated. I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a conclusion. (“ Such as when greg asked two girls out,’Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition. (“ What I like about Jeff Kidney author style is he shows the main character allways looking animated. I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life.”)

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Such as when greg asked two girls out,’Adrianne and Julia were both giving me dirty looks when I walked into class today , so I'm assuming it's a no from both of them.”)

Informal sentences and simple word choices do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The author Jeff Kidney, author of DIARY OF A WIMPY KID series shows goods and bads in my perspective. He shows his animiated, realistic, and sometimes kiddiish thoughts.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ What I like about Jeff Kidney author style is he shows the main character allways looking animated. I like when he shows the characters animated becuase it can get really funny realating to my life. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Analysis of Characters in Bud, Not Buddy

In Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis, Bud is trying to unravel the mystery surrounding his mother and her long-lost family in order to discover where he fits in. He follows clues gathered after his mother's death, which lead him to Herman E. Calloway, a famous jazz musician. A very important clue he discovers is that both he and Mr. Calloway have an interesting rock collection.

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe the character(s) in the book and the overall meaning of Bud's discovery. Include details and examples from the text to support your ideas.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Willpower and Cleverness Lead the Way

"Success is 99% perspiration and 1% determination." This phrase, by Thomas Edison, one of the life-changing inventors that helped revolutionize the world, is one that has inspired many others to follow their dreams and treasure the meaning in their minds. It echoes a message that nothing can truly be gained without the determination to fulfill one’s goals. Bud, Not Buddy, is an eye-opening story of a boy in the times of the Depression, venturing off into the unknown, battling prejudice and even vampire bats! Bud Caldwell is just one of the many orphans during the difficult times of the Depression. His mother passed away and he has no idea who his father is, except a minuscule clue, a blue flyer with a picture of who he suspects is his father, Herman E. Calloway. Bud's thought soon blossoms into a towering oak tree, and he sets out on his adventure to find his father. His willpower and cunning help pave the way and even uncover a secret that will change both Bud and Herman E. Calloway forever.

Bud Caldwell is nothing like your average child of the Depression. As other orphans are described to be "dust in the wind", Bud holds his own individual aspects, and you could say, he has quite a unique mind. Bud's most significant characteristic that guides him through his adventures is his determination. Determination is Bud's strongest point, because while others may have just given up, he pushed himself to finish what he started. An example of his fine determination in action is when he decided to hitch hike to Grand Rapids, Michigan, and is forced to cope with the grueling sounds of animals munching on each other. The descriptions of his journey towards Grand Rapids seem like agonizing fright and you can't help but wonder how Bud had the ability to do it. "The hairs on your neck jump up and your heart turns into a little shaky cup of yellow custard." An orphan who was as skinny as a stick and was hungry all the time is probably not your likely candidate for hiking on a dirt trail, but you better believe that Bud did it. Bud was fueled by ambition and the joy of finally finding his long-lost father. The hope that he would finally be reunited with his only existing, blood relative was enough to ignite the fire in his heart. What is more amazing, is the fact that when he finally encounters Herman E. Calloway, he just turns the other cheek and doesn't even bother to get the situation straightened out. Fortunately, Bud is determined to get Herman to admit his fatherhood and he doesn't go away until the secret that Herman was actually his grandfather is revealed. Without Bud's persistence in trying to seek the truth, nothing would have changed and Bud would have never found where he truly belongs. The overall meaning of the discovery of Herman being his grandfather also makes you realize that Bud's determination not only helped him find a meaning in his existence, but also opened Herman's eyes and helped him realize the pain that he had been harboring about his daughter's absence. Bud Caldwell has a quality that no one will be able to ignore, his willpower to live in troubled times, and fight the doubts from everyone, including those of his own grandfather.

Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself is a book created by Bud that lists cunning ideas and clever ways to get yourself out of trouble. Bud's knack for scheming is one that gives a comedic twist to the story and also gives a little adventure in his journey. You could say the "book" was written by an expert, because Bud had used it numerous times and it has helped him get out of serious situations. Whether he was collecting intelligence about Herman E. Calloway or fighting a vampire bat, his cleverness has certainly gotten him out of many sticky situations. One rule that has helped him the most is probably Rules and Things Number 39, which states "The Older You Get, the Worse Something Has to Be to Make You Cry." This view of how humans react is a very vital point where, without it, Bud couldn't have understood Herman and probably never would have. Bud realized that Herman was crying away in his mother's room because while Herman received a grandson, he also lost something very dear to him, his own daughter. Therefore, Bud decided to concede Herman's feelings, and understand him, rather than continue to accuse him of being a stubborn, old man.

Another overall view of Bud's discovery also points out that his cleverness doesn't only benefit himself, but also helps others. Bud returns the flyers and rocks that were his only connection with his mother, and finally returns them to whom they truly belonged, Herman E. Calloway. This kind gesture is not to be seen as just an action of politeness, but also a deeper understanding of having a sense of possession. Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself is not only to be seen as a list composed of simple ways of getting yourself out of trouble, but also as an example of how Bud Caldwell uses his unique mind to scheme up clever and cunning ideas.

Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis is a book about a young boy's struggle through the times of the Depression and is fueled by his resolve and helped by his craftiness. Without these major components, Bud would never have uncovered the truth and finally released Herman E. Calloway's dark feelings left in his heart. If Bud had not come, Herman E. Calloway would still be hoping for his daughter to come back, but Bud returned his momma "to all those ponies and horses she liked so much". Determination, coming from the hope of finding his father, was all the drive Bud needed to start his journey to find his father. Every person that Bud met throughout his journey gave him something tangible and helped him march closer towards his discovery. Sticky situations reached Bud in every way, and without his clever ideas and philosophies, he never would have gotten closer to Herman E. Calloway. Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself was his mental guide to life, and it certainly shows its worth throughout his adventures and encounters with difficult problems. Resolution and fortitude were two aspects that guided Bud, and surely made him successful in finding a place where he belonged, with Herman E. Calloway and his band, the Dusky Devastators of the Depression!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes Bud’s character traits with clear and very descriptive details and explains how these traits helped Bud to forge through to the end of his journey. (“Sticky situations reached Bud in every way, and without his clever ideas and philosophies, he never would have gotten closer to Herman E. Calloway. Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself was his mental guide to life, and it certainly shows its worth throughout his adventures and encounters with difficult problems. Resolution and fortitude were two aspects that guided Bud, and surely made him successful in finding a place where he belonged, with Herman E. Calloway and his band, the Dusky Devastators of the Depression!”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“ Bud Caldwell is nothing like your average child of the Depression. As other orphans are described to be ‘dust in the wind’, Bud holds his own individual aspects, and you could say, he has quite a unique mind. Bud's most significant characteristic that guides him through his adventures is his determination. Determination is Bud's strongest point, because while others may have just given up, he pushed himself to finish what he started. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Bud, Not Buddy, is an eye-opening story of a boy in the times of the Depression, venturing off into the unknown, battling prejudice and even vampire bats! Bud Caldwell is just one of the many orphans during the difficult times of the Depression. His mother passed away and he has no idea who his father is, except a minuscule clue, a blue flyer with a picture of who he suspects is his father, Herman E. Calloway. Bud's thought soon blossoms into a towering oak tree, and he sets out on his adventure to find his father. His willpower and cunning help pave the way and even uncover a secret that will change both Bud and Herman E. Calloway forever.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully and uses a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ The descriptions of his journey towards Grand Rapids seem like agonizing fright and you can't help but wonder how Bud had the ability to do it. ‘The hairs on your neck jump up and your heart turns into a little shaky cup of yellow custard.’ An orphan who was as skinny as a stick and was hungry all the time is probably not your likely candidate for hiking on a dirt trail, but you better believe that Bud did it. Bud was fueled by ambition and the joy of finally finding his long-lost father. The hope that he would finally be reunited with his only existing, blood relative was enough to ignite the fire in his heart. What is more amazing, is the fact that when he finally encounters Herman E. Calloway, he just turns the other cheek and doesn't even bother to get the situation straightened out. Fortunately, Bud is determined to get Herman to admit his fatherhood and he doesn't go away until the secret that Herman was actually his grandfather is revealed. ”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis is a book about a young boy's struggle through the times of the Depression and is fueled by his resolve and helped by his craftiness. Without these major components, Bud would never have uncovered the truth and finally released Herman E. Calloway's dark feelings left in his heart. If Bud had not come, Herman E. Calloway would still be hoping for his daughter to come back, but Bud returned his momma ‘to all those ponies and horses she liked so much’. Determination, coming from the hope of finding his father, was all the drive Bud needed to start his journey to find his father. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Without Bud's persistence in trying to seek the truth, nothing would have changed and Bud would have never found where he truly belongs. The overall meaning of the discovery of Herman being his grandfather also makes you realize that Bud's determination not only helped him find a meaning in his existence, but also opened Herman's eyes and helped him realize the pain that he had been harboring about his daughter's absence. Bud Caldwell has a quality that no one will be able to ignore, his willpower to live in troubled times, and fight the doubts from everyone, including those of his own grandfather.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices are demonstrated throughout.

The beginning of the essay creatively captures the readers’ attention by incorporating a quotation to introduce some of Bud’s qualities to the intended audience. (“ ‘Success is 99% perspiration and 1% determination.’ This phrase, by Thomas Edison, one of the life-changing inventors that helped revolutionize the world, is one that has inspired many others to follow their dreams and treasure the meaning in their minds. It echoes a message that nothing can truly be gained without the determination to fulfill one’s goals. Bud, Not Buddy, is an eye-opening story of a boy in the times of the Depression, venturing off into the unknown, battling prejudice and even vampire bats! Bud Caldwell is just one of the many orphans during the difficult times of the Depression. His mother passed away and he has no idea who his father is, except a minuscule clue, a blue flyer with a picture of who he suspects is his father, Herman E. Calloway. Bud's thought soon blossoms into a towering oak tree, and he sets out on his adventure to find his father. His willpower and cunning help pave the way and even uncover a secret that will change both Bud and Herman E. Calloway forever.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Whether he was collecting intelligence about Herman E. Calloway or fighting a vampire bat, his cleverness has certainly gotten him out of many sticky situations. One rule that has helped him the most is probably Rules and Things Number 39, which states ‘The Older You Get, the Worse Something Has to Be to Make You Cry.’ This view of how humans react is a very vital point where, without it, Bud couldn't have understood Herman and probably never would have. Bud realized that Herman was crying away in his mother's room because while Herman received a grandson, he also lost something very dear to him, his own daughter. Therefore, Bud decided to concede Herman's feelings, and understand him, rather than continue to accuse him of being a stubborn, old man.”)

The essay provides a very effective conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Determination, coming from the hope of finding his father, was all the drive Bud needed to start his journey to find his father. Every person that Bud met throughout his journey gave him something tangible and helped him march closer towards his discovery. Sticky situations reached Bud in every way, and without his clever ideas and philosophies, he never would have gotten closer to Herman E. Calloway. Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself was his mental guide to life, and it certainly shows its worth throughout his adventures and encounters with difficult problems. Resolution and fortitude were two aspects that guided Bud, and surely made him successful in finding a place where he belonged, with Herman E. Calloway and his band, the Dusky Devastators of the Depression!”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the important qualities that helped Bud find his family. (“ Whether he was collecting intelligence about Herman E. Calloway or fighting a vampire bat, his cleverness has certainly gotten him out of many sticky situations. One rule that has helped him the most is probably Rules and Things Number 39, which states ‘The Older You Get, the Worse Something Has to Be to Make You Cry.’ This view of how humans react is a very vital point where, without it, Bud couldn't have understood Herman and probably never would have. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Bud for the readers so that by the end of the response, they understand how Bud’s qualities assisted him in his journey and what the full significance of Bud’s discovery means. (“ Determination is Bud's strongest point, because while others may have just given up, he pushed himself to finish what he started. An example of his fine determination in action is when he decided to hitch hike to Grand Rapids, Michigan, and is forced to cope with the grueling sounds of animals munching on each other. The descriptions of his journey towards Grand Rapids seem like agonizing fright and you can't help but wonder how Bud had the ability to do it. ‘The hairs on your neck jump up and your heart turns into a little shaky cup of yellow custard.’ An orphan who was as skinny as a stick and was hungry all the time is probably not your likely candidate for hiking on a dirt trail, but you better believe that Bud did it. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ Determination, coming from the hope of finding his father, was all the drive Bud needed to start his journey to find his father. Every person that Bud met throughout his journey gave him something tangible and helped him march closer towards his discovery. Sticky situations reached Bud in every way, and without his clever ideas and philosophies, he never would have gotten closer to Herman E. Calloway. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ This view of how humans react is a very vital point where, without it, Bud couldn't have understood Herman and probably never would have. Bud realized that Herman was crying away in his mother's room because while Herman received a grandson, he also lost something very dear to him, his own daughter. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Great Depression was a tragic time from 1929-1940 where the United States went into an economic crisis. People lost their jobs, stock markets crashed, and companies went out of business. It is also a time where a phenomenal book took place: “Bud, Not Buddy”. This book, written by Christopher Paul Curtis, is about a young boy who tries to unravel the mystery of his real father. But what he discovers is far more than he is ready for.

Bud starts off in an orphanage and is soon sent to the Amos’s. As great as it sounds, it turns out disastrous. Bud is beat up by their son, locked in a shed, and swarmed by hornets. For obvious reasons, he ran away to find some nicer place to live. He visited a library, a mission, and Hooverville until finally he came across Mr. Lewis. They got along and Mr. Lewis took Bud to Grand Rapids, where Herman E. Calloway was. Bud was positive that Herman was really his father. When he finally got there and accused Herman, all the band members thought he was crazy. They agreed to take him to dinner and solve it there. Bud quickly befriended Miss Thomas, the singer in the band, and always went to her for comfort. During his stay with the band he discovered that Herman E. Calloway had a very intriguing rock collection, similar to his. At one point in the story, Bud tells Herman his mother's name. It turns out that Herman's daughter is Bud's mother; therefore Herman is really Bud's grandfather.

Along Bud's thrilling adventure, Christopher Paul Curtis introduces many characters. Todd Amose, a bully, is the son of the family Bud is first sent to. He tortures Bud by kicking, punching, and sticking pencils up Bud's nose. Todd only appears for a tiny portion of the book. Another character that only appears for a bit is Deza Malone. She meets Bud in Hooverville, washing dishes. She really likes Bud and even kisses him at a part. Some people that are in the story longer are Miss Thomas, Herman E. Calloway, and Bugs. Miss Thomas is a singer in the band. She acted motherly to Bud by buying him dinner, singing for him, and comforting him. Whenever Bud was sad or feeling awful, she was there. Herman E. Calloway was supposedly Bud's father, but turned out to be his grandfather. When Herman first meets Bud, he thinks that he is just some kid that was not in the right. Herman was grumpy, mean, and acted like he didn't care for anyone. But looks can be deceiving. When he heard that his daughter, Bud's mother, had died, he staggered into her room and started bawling. “Bugs”, Bud's roommate, was another character. They went into the Hooverville, trying to catch a train heading out west. When the train arrived, only Bugs got on, and once again, Bud is on his own. Although some of them are only in for a chapter or so, they all play a large part in the story.

Christopher Paul Curtis also includes clues to determine who Bud's real father is. The flier, how they speak, and the rock collection all help Bud until he finally uncovers who Herman E. Calloway really is. Although it was not what Bud was expecting, he had learned many themes from his journey. Determination was one shown throughout the entire story. When Bud was locked in the Amos’s shed, he demonstrated determination by breaking out. At another part, Bud lied to Mr. Lewis so he would be taken to Grand Rapids. Even though this was not right, it still displayed determination. He also kept asserting that Herman was his grandfather, even if Herman denied every attempt. So while Bud was wrong that Herman was his father, he still learned a lot from his experience.

All throughout the story, whether it's meeting new people or new themes, Bud has learned in abundance. Determination, wisdom, love, and perseverance are only a few qualities Bud experienced on his journey to solve the mystery. He applied many skills to get to Herman E. Calloway and he made it. He also made many friends along the way, demonstrating friendship in his life. This is really important because if you have friends, you will never be alone. If only everyone could act like Bud.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on providing information about the main character, Bud, and the supporting characters that assisted him in solving the mystery surrounding his family. (“ Bud quickly befriended Miss Thomas, the singer in the band, and always went to her for comfort. During his stay with the band he discovered that Herman E. Calloway had a very intriguing rock collection, similar to his. At one point in the story, Bud tells Herman his mother's name. It turns out that Herman's daughter is Bud's mother; therefore Herman is really Bud's grandfather. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ When Herman first meets Bud, he thinks that he is just some kid that was not in the right. Herman was grumpy, mean, and acted like he didn't care for anyone. But looks can be deceiving. When he heard that his daughter, Bud's mother, had died, he staggered into her room and started bawling. ‘Bugs’, Bud's roommate, was another character. They went into the Hooverville, trying to catch a train heading out west. When the train arrived, only Bugs got on, and once again, Bud is on his own. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Bud’s qualities and the significance of his discovery. (“ When Bud was locked in the Amos’s shed, he demonstrated determination by breaking out. At another part, Bud lied to Mr. Lewis so he would be taken to Grand Rapids. Even though this was not right, it still displayed determination. He also kept asserting that Herman was his grandfather, even if Herman denied every attempt. So while Bud was wrong that Herman was his father, he still learned a lot from his experience. All throughout the story, whether it's meeting new people or new themes, Bud has learned in abundance. Determination, wisdom, love, and perseverance are only a few qualities Bud experienced on his journey to solve the mystery. He applied many skills to get to Herman E. Calloway and he made it. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support the thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ During his stay with the band he discovered that Herman E. Calloway had a very intriguing rock collection, similar to his. At one point in the story, Bud tells Herman his mother's name. It turns out that Herman's daughter is Bud's mother; therefore Herman is really Bud's grandfather. ”)

The essay includes information about supporting characters to illustrate their impact on Bud throughout the story. (“Todd Amose, a bully, is the son of the family Bud is first sent to. He tortures Bud by kicking, punching, and sticking pencils up Bud's nose. Todd only appears for a tiny portion of the book. Another character that only appears for a bit is Deza Malone. She meets Bud in Hooverville, washing dishes. She really likes Bud and even kisses him at a part. Some people that are in the story longer are Miss Thomas, Herman E. Calloway, and Bugs. Miss Thomas is a singer in the band. She acted motherly to Bud by buying him dinner, singing for him, and comforting him. Whenever Bud was sad or feeling awful, she was there. ”)

The details included in each paragraph serve to assist readers in understanding Bud and his motivations. (“ Bud was positive that Herman was really his father. When he finally got there and accused Herman, all the band members thought he was crazy. They agreed to take him to dinner and solve it there. Bud quickly befriended Miss Thomas, the singer in the band, and always went to her for comfort. During his stay with the band he discovered that Herman E. Calloway had a very intriguing rock collection, similar to his. At one point in the story, Bud tells Herman his mother's name. It turns out that Herman's daughter is Bud's mother; therefore Herman is really Bud's grandfather. ”)

Organization

The introduction captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ The Great Depression was a tragic time from 1929-1940 where the United States went into an economic crisis. People lost their jobs, stock markets crashed, and companies went out of business. It is also a time where a phenomenal book took place: ‘Bud, Not Buddy’. This book, written by Christopher Paul Curtis, is about a young boy who tries to unravel the mystery of his real father. But what he discovers is far more than he is ready for. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Along Bud's thrilling adventure, Christopher Paul Curtis introduces many characters. Todd Amose, a bully, is the son of the family Bud is first sent to. He tortures Bud by kicking, punching, and sticking pencils up Bud's nose. Todd only appears for a tiny portion of the book. Another character that only appears for a bit is Deza Malone. She meets Bud in Hooverville, washing dishes. She really likes Bud and even kisses him at a part. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ All throughout the story, whether it's meeting new people or new themes, Bud has learned in abundance. Determination, wisdom, love, and perseverance are only a few qualities Bud experienced on his journey to solve the mystery. He applied many skills to get to Herman E. Calloway and he made it. He also made many friends along the way, demonstrating friendship in his life. This is really important because if you have friends, you will never be alone. If only everyone could act like Bud. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs sound word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ When Herman first meets Bud, he thinks that he is just some kid that was not in the right. Herman was grumpy, mean, and acted like he didn't care for anyone. But looks can be deceiving. When he heard that his daughter, Bud's mother, had died, he staggered into her room and started bawling. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ Bud starts off in an orphanage and is soon sent to the Amos’s. As great as it sounds, it turns out disastrous. Bud is beat up by their son, locked in a shed, and swarmed by hornets. For obvious reasons, he ran away to find some nicer place to live. He visited a library, a mission, and Hooverville until finally he came across Mr. Lewis. They got along and Mr. Lewis took Bud to Grand Rapids, where Herman E. Calloway was. Bud was positive that Herman was really his father. When he finally got there and accused Herman, all the band members thought he was crazy. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Although it was not what Bud was expecting, he had learned many themes from his journey. Determination was one shown throughout the entire story. When Bud was locked in the Amos’s shed, he demonstrated determination by breaking out. At another part, Bud lied to Mr. Lewis so he would be taken to Grand Rapids. Even though this was not right, it still displayed determination. He also kept asserting that Herman was his grandfather, even if Herman denied every attempt. So while Bud was wrong that Herman was his father, he still learned a lot from his experience. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Miss Thomas is a singer in the band. She acted motherly to Bud by buying him dinner, singing for him, and comforting him. Whenever Bud was sad or feeling awful, she was there. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis, Bud is an orphan that is trying to find his father but instead ends up finding his grandfather, a mean, old, fat musician. I think that Herman E. Calloway, Bud's grandfather, knew all along that Bud was part of his family. He just didn't want to believe it.

I think that the moment that he knew for sure Bud was family was when he saw the rocks. Especially the rock from Flint, Michigan, because that's where Bud and his mother used to live. It was hard for Herman because he just found out that his daughter had to be dead since her son was standing right in front of him with no mother. The way Herman said "Well? Where'd you get these" showed that he cared since he said it so angrily. He showed Bud that he cared where the rocks came from, if they came from his dead mother. In the car when Bud found Herman’s rocks Bud had something to prove that he was his grandson and it may have just been some dumb old rocks, but it was proof and that's all that Bud cared about. I think that Bud was overjoyed when he found out he had a way to prove himself to Herman.

This was the one event that proved Bud to Herman. When Herman picked up the rock off the ground, I think Bud had a hunch that this rock could be a key to opening another door, especially when Herman opened the glove box and threw the rock in. Bud saw that he had tons of rocks in there all with writing on them just like his. Herman may have thought he was in control of whether Bud was going to stay or not, but he was totally wrong. Bud had the situation in his control from the beginning, he just had to find the right key out of his jumbled keys on his key ring to open the door. In the car, Bud was just pulling Herman out on a string, not letting him see the rocks until the very last second.

Everyone had a hunch that Bud was family, but no one wanted to admit it to Herman. On the way home in the car, Bud started getting excited since he found proof to let him stay at the Grand Calloway station. I felt so happy when Bud found his proof, I can't even describe it. There was just one word to describe it, I was elated. I think Herman had accepted defeat in the war to let Bud stay when Bud showed him his rocks. I also think everyone else at the Grand Calloway station was happy to see Bud stay. Bud had won the fight and had finally found a way to prove it. Bud was winning from the beginning. I just think he didn't know it. There were many clues that helped him, but the rocks were the ones that mattered most.

I think that all along Herman knew Bud was family, he just didn't want to believe it. When Bud showed him the rocks he could no longer deny that Bud was family. He was in denial because he just wouldn't believe that his daughter was dead and Bud was his grandson. He kept denying right up until Bud showed him the rocks. "Bud Not Buddy" was a very heartwarming story to me, because after not having a family for so long, Bud found his place. He found his place in the world and that's what mattered most. He would no longer be alone, and no longer be an orphan, because he found his family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer adequately describes the two main characters so readers can picture their strained relationship in their minds. (“…Bud is an orphan that is trying to find his father but instead ends up finding his grandfather, a mean, old, fat musician. I think that Herman E. Calloway, Bud's grandfather, knew all along that Bud was part of his family. He just didn't want to believe it. I think that the moment that he knew for sure Bud was family was when he saw the rocks. Especially the rock from Flint, Michigan, because that's where Bud and his mother used to live. It was hard for Herman because he just found out that his daughter had to be dead since her son was standing right in front of him with no mother.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately explains Herman’s resistance to accepting Bud as part of his family. (“I think that all along Herman knew Bud was family, he just didn't want to believe it. When Bud showed him the rocks he could no longer deny that Bud was family. He was in denial because he just wouldn't believe that his daughter was dead and Bud was his grandson. He kept denying right up until Bud showed him the rocks.”)

The writer provides adequate details to support the ideas presented in the essay. (“When Herman picked up the rock off the ground, I think Bud had a hunch that this rock could be a key to opening another door, especially when Herman opened the glove box and threw the rock in. Bud saw that he had tons of rocks in there all with writing on them just like his. Herman may have thought he was in control of whether Bud was going to stay or not, but he was totally wrong.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately by using some specific evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“When Herman picked up the rock off the ground, I think Bud had a hunch that this rock could be a key to opening another door, especially when Herman opened the glove box and threw the rock in. Bud saw that he had tons of rocks in there all with writing on them just like his.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“The way Herman said ‘Well? Where'd you get these’ showed that he cared since he said it so angrily. He showed Bud that he cared where the rocks came from, if they came from his dead mother. In the car when Bud found Herman’s rocks Bud had something to prove that he was his grandson and it may have just been some dumb old rocks, but it was proof and that's all that Bud cared about.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“I think Herman had accepted defeat in the war to let Bud stay when Bud showed him his rocks. I also think everyone else at the Grand Calloway station was happy to see Bud stay. Bud had won the fight and had finally found a way to prove it. Bud was winning from the beginning. I just think he didn't know it. There were many clues that helped him, but the rocks were the ones that mattered most.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Notably, however, there is a need for more effective paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the story Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis, Bud is an orphan that is trying to find his father but instead ends up finding his grandfather, a mean, old, fat musician. I think that Herman E. Calloway, Bud's grandfather, knew all along that Bud was part of his family. He just didn't want to believe it.”)

Although the writer employs a few subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ The way Herman said ‘Well? Where'd you get these’ showed that he cared since he said it so angrily. He showed Bud that he cared where the rocks came from, if they came from his dead mother. In the car when Bud found Herman’s rocks Bud had something to prove that he was his grandson and it may have just been some dumb old rocks, but it was proof and that's all that Bud cared about.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ ‘Bud Not Buddy’ was a very heartwarming story to me, because after not having a family for so long, Bud found his place. He found his place in the world and that's what mattered most. He would no longer be alone, and no longer be an orphan, because he found his family. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Everyone had a hunch that Bud was family, but no one wanted to admit it to Herman. On the way home in the car, Bud started getting excited since he found proof to let him stay at the Grand Calloway station. I felt so happy when Bud found his proof, I can't even describe it.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice to describe Bud’s journey to find his family. (“ I think Herman had accepted defeat in the war to let Bud stay when Bud showed him his rocks. I also think everyone else at the Grand Calloway station was happy to see Bud stay. Bud had won the fight and had finally found a way to prove it. Bud was winning from the beginning. I just think he didn't know it. There were many clues that helped him, but the rocks were the ones that mattered most. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ I think that all along Herman knew Bud was family, he just didn't want to believe it. When Bud showed him the rocks he could no longer deny that Bud was family. He was in denial because he just wouldn't believe that his daughter was dead and Bud was his grandson. He kept denying right up until Bud showed him the rocks.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ This was the one event that proved Bud to Herman. When Herman picked up the rock off the ground, I think Bud had a hunch that this rock could be a key to opening another door, especially when Herman opened the glove box and threw the rock in.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The selection I am writing about is from the story Bud, Not Buddy, a realistic fiction by Christopher Paul Curtis. Bud, Not Buddy is based on a ten year old boy named Bud, who lost his mother at the early age of six years old. Now he is on the case to find his father, having left some clues by his mom, he goes searching. He goes on a wild adventure and meets with a man named Herman E. Calloway, a famous jass musician, and Bud is sure that he is his father. Herman is a grouchy, old man and claims that Bud is not his son. Soon, they figure out that Herman is actually Bud's grandfater!

The way Herman acts to Bud is rude and obnoxtious. He told Bud that he " wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer." But Bud never or barely acts rude to Herman. He may ask Herman a lot of questions, but herman is just mean. Herman probably thinks that Bud is a stupid, little boy who thinks he, Herman E. Calloway, is his father, and Bud thinks that Herman is a mean, old man. Bud acted slightly polite in this selection and Herman just acted mean. I can relate to Bud a little. If I had been looking for my father for 4 years, and suddenly found a man who I think is the one, I would be a little hurt about how Herman were to treat me if I were Bud. I think that Herman is really a nice guy but he is trying to put Bud's hopes down. Herman is old, so it would be a little strange to have a 10 year old son. But if I were Bud I would be a little rude to Herman. Knowing Herman is always mean to Bud, I would go and ask him if he had a problem. Budt unlike me, Bud is a well mannered boy. In the six years he lived with his mom, his mother tought him to be kind and have manners.

Bud's discovery of the rocks showed that they both had the same thing, almost like family. Herman said it was " A bad habit." But But had gotten those rocks from his mother, and this gave him a lead to think that Herman was his dad. If I were Bud I would think, right at that moment, that for sure Herman E. Calloway must be related to me. I believe that it is easy to relate to Bud and his feelings.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The selection I am writing about is from the story Bud, Not Buddy, a realistic fiction by Christopher Paul Curtis. Bud, Not Buddy is based on a ten year old boy named Bud, who lost his mother at the early age of six years old.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Bud and Herman, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“He may ask Herman a lot of questions, but herman is just mean. Herman probably thinks that Bud is a stupid, little boy who thinks he, Herman E. Calloway, is his father, and Bud thinks that Herman is a mean, old man.”)

The writer uses very limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Bud's discovery of the rocks showed that they both had the same thing, almost like family. Herman said it was ‘ A bad habit.’ But But had gotten those rocks from his mother, and this gave him a lead to think that Herman was his dad.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, and he/she uses little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Bud acted slightly polite in this selection and Herman just acted mean. I can relate to Bud a little. If I had been looking for my father for 4 years, and suddenly found a man who I think is the one, I would be a little hurt about how Herman were to treat me if I were Bud.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Knowing Herman is always mean to Bud, I would go and ask him if he had a problem. Budt unlike me, Bud is a well mannered boy. In the six years he lived with his mom, his mother tought him to be kind and have manners.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Bud's discovery of the rocks showed that they both had the same thing, almost like family. Herman said it was ‘ A bad habit.’ But But had gotten those rocks from his mother, and this gave him a lead to think that Herman was his dad.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The selection I am writing about is from the story Bud, Not Buddy, a realistic fiction by Christopher Paul Curtis. Bud, Not Buddy is based on a ten year old boy named Bud, who lost his mother at the early age of six years old. Now he is on the case to find his father, having left some clues by his mom, he goes searching. He goes on a wild adventure and meets with a man named Herman E. Calloway, a famous jass musician, and Bud is sure that he is his father. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ The way Herman acts to Bud is rude and obnoxtious. He told Bud that he " wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer." But Bud never or barely acts rude to Herman. He may ask Herman a lot of questions, but herman is just mean. ”)

The writer’s conclusion is limited. (“ Bud's discovery of the rocks showed that they both had the same thing, almost like family. Herman said it was ‘ A bad habit.’ But But had gotten those rocks from his mother, and this gave him a lead to think that Herman was his dad. If I were Bud I would think, right at that moment, that for sure Herman E. Calloway must be related to me. I believe that it is easy to relate to Bud and his feelings. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition in portions of the essay. (“ He may ask Herman a lot of questions, but herman is just mean. Herman probably thinks that Bud is a stupid, little boy who thinks he, Herman E. Calloway, is his father, and Bud thinks that Herman is a mean, old man. Bud acted slightly polite in this selection and Herman just acted mean. ”)

The writer does not exhibit style in the essay. (“ I can relate to Bud a little. If I had been looking for my father for 4 years, and suddenly found a man who I think is the one, I would be a little hurt about how Herman were to treat me if I were Bud. ”)

The writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ But if I were Bud I would be a little rude to Herman. Knowing Herman is always mean to Bud, I would go and ask him if he had a problem.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Soon, they figure out that Herman is actually Bud's grandfater! The way Herman acts to Bud is rude and obnoxtious. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Bud not Buddy, by Christopher Paul Curtis, Bud is an african american kid who lives in an orphanage. And has gone to foster families who have treated him very bad. He ran away from all of the foster homes he lived in for a short period of time. The last one he ran away from was the Amoses. After he ran away he found a person named Lefty Lewis. Lefty was a really nice guy who drove Bud to meet his family, Lefty's dad was Herman E. Calloway but Bud had a feeling that Herman was his father. Because Bud had envelopes talking about Herman and his band. Another thing was that Mr. Calloway and Bud's mom almost had the same last name.Mr. Calloway acts like a mean person wich causes a car ride.In the car ride Mr. calloway takes out a rock that has engravings on it. Bud also has one but from his mom, until he shows it to Mr. Calloway wich snatchs it away.

Bud's instinct is very patient about Herman E. Calloway. Until Bud finds out that Mr.Calloway is his grand father.In conclusion, Bud never finds out who is his father but he finds out who is his grandfather Herman E. Calloway.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions Bud and his experiences while looking for his father, but because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“…but Bud had a feeling that Herman was his father. Because Bud had envelopes talking about Herman and his band. Another thing was that Mr. Calloway and Bud's mom almost had the same last name.Mr. Calloway acts like a mean person wich causes a car ride.In the car ride Mr. calloway takes out a rock that has engravings on it. Bud also has one but from his mom, until he shows it to Mr. Calloway wich snatchs it away.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the overall meaning of Bud's discovery. (“ Bud's instinct is very patient about Herman E. Calloway. Until Bud finds out that Mr.Calloway is his grand father.In conclusion, Bud never finds out who is his father but he finds out who is his grandfather Herman E. Calloway. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution and significance of the event. (“ Mr. Calloway acts like a mean person wich causes a car ride.In the car ride Mr. calloway takes out a rock that has engravings on it. Bud also has one but from his mom, until he shows it to Mr. Calloway wich snatchs it away. Bud's instinct is very patient about Herman E. Calloway. Until Bud finds out that Mr.Calloway is his grand father.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately and uses few details from the text for support.

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In the car ride Mr. calloway takes out a rock that has engravings on it. Bud also has one but from his mom, until he shows it to Mr. Calloway wich snatchs it away.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“He ran away from all of the foster homes he lived in for a short period of time. The last one he ran away from was the Amoses.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In the story Bud not Buddy, by Christopher Paul Curtis, Bud is an african american kid who lives in an orphanage. And has gone to foster families who have treated him very bad. He ran away from all of the foster homes he lived in for a short period of time.”)

Transitions were minimally included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Because Bud had envelopes talking about Herman and his band. Another thing was that Mr. Calloway and Bud's mom almost had the same last name.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Bud's instinct is very patient about Herman E. Calloway. Until Bud finds out that Mr.Calloway is his grand father.In conclusion, Bud never finds out who is his father but he finds out who is his grandfather Herman E. Calloway. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ And has gone to foster families who have treated him very bad.”)

Sentences convey unrelated ideas that make the communication of the message unclear. (“ Lefty was a really nice guy who drove Bud to meet his family, Lefty's dad was Herman E. Calloway but Bud had a feeling that Herman was his father.”)

There is repetition. (“ Until Bud finds out that Mr.Calloway is his grand father.In conclusion, Bud never finds out who is his father but he finds out who is his grandfather Herman E. Calloway.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ In the car ride Mr. calloway takes out a rock that has engravings on it. Bud also has one but from his mom, until he shows it to Mr. Calloway wich snatchs it away. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story one character is bud he is a typical boy is curious to find out about his mother.Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway.Bud sees that Mr. calloway and him have a unique rock collection. Bub realizes that his mother's death was just one of those deaths that happen to people. He was disapointed to know that but he knows it is the truth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine information the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“ In this story one character is bud he is a typical boy is curious to find out about his mother.Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ Bud sees that Mr. calloway and him have a unique rock collection. Bub realizes that his mother's death was just one of those deaths that happen to people. ”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of Bud meeting Mr. Calloway but doesn’t develop the ideas in any way. (“ Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway.Bud sees that Mr. calloway and him have a unique rock collection. ”)

Details such as examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ In this story one character is bud he is a typical boy is curious to find out about his mother. ”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In this story one character is bud he is a typical boy is curious to find out about his mother.Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway.Bud sees that Mr. calloway and him have a unique rock collection. Bub realizes that his mother's death was just one of those deaths that happen to people. He was disapointed to know that but he knows it is the truth.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that relates to the purpose of the prompt task. (“ In this story one character is bud he is a typical boy is curious to find out about his mother. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway.Bud sees that Mr. calloway and him have a unique rock collection. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ He was disapointed to know that but he knows it is the truth.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are too short and do not convey necessary details to make the writer’s message more meaningful. (“ Well was looking for clues to find out his mother's death bud got led to Mr. calloway. ”)

There is no style or voice exhibited in the essay. (“ Bub realizes that his mother's death was just one of those deaths that happen to people. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ He was disapointed to know that but he knows it is the truth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Bub realizes that his mother's death was just one of those deaths that happen to people. He was disapointed to know that but he knows it is the truth.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Annabel Lee” by Edgar Allan Poe

The poem “Annabel Lee” describes the love Edgar Allan Poe had for his young bride after she passed away.

After carefully reading “Annabel Lee,” write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the author's purpose in writing this poem. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Is love truly the most powerful feeling on Earth? Is it truly strong enough to save people from certain death? When Edgar Allan Poe wrote the poem, “Annabel Lee,” he showed that the speaker of the peom thinks that love is the strongest feeling. Throughout the ballad, the speaker shows how his love for Annabel Lee was so strong that even the gods were jealous. Poe is demonstrating that his purpose for the ballad is to show that love is something to be remembered and thought about, similar to how he felt for his own loved one, Virginia.

One of the largest things to point out in the peom is Poe’s use of repetition. Repeating “Annabel Lee” and the “Kingdom by the sea,” tells reveals that the speaker is always going to love Annabel Lee, thus the statement, “And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride.”(ll.38-39) Most people conclude that Poe was using this device to show that his purpose was to show that people should always remember his loved ones. Another example of this is the repeated theme of the gods and angels taking away Annabel Lee because of their love and they “shut her up in the sepulchre.” Taking the fact that this is about love, Poe is revealing that the speaker's love was so amazingly strong that it was the end of their relationship, but they will always be together because no one, “Can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee.” (ll.32-33)

Then Poe also uses a slight bit of irony because of their love being so strong that it was the death of Annabel Lee. Though a reader may have to read it a few times to understand, just think of how their they, “Loved with a love that was more than love,” (l.9) and that the, “Winged seraphs of heaven coveted her and me.” (ll. 11-12) This concludes that since the angels of heaven were jealous, they obviously would do something to make Annabel Lee their own. The obvious solution would be to have her die so that she may join them in heaven. But even though the angels took her away from the speaker, the speaker shows that he doesn't grudge them and that since their love was so strong, he will always remember their love. The idea of their love may also be represented by something else.

Using the repetitive word, “the sea,” Poe is showing that he is referring the word sea to something deeper than the actual word. The sea is actually a word that he used to describe their beautiful love. By rereading lines that refer to the sea, you may think of it being this kingdom made by love instead of, “This kingdom by the sea.” (l. 14) This constant reference to sea reveals many things. The, “demons down under the sea,” (l. 31) can be interpreted as demons that are jealous, for Poe may think that jealousy is much the lowest kind of feeling, or the highest kind of feeling with the seraphs coveting the two lovers. By thinking of how the seraphs may not be able to love anymore, jealousy may actually be the closest feeling to love as they remember their own loved ones and how they resent the speaker and Annabel Lee's relationship with each other. Thus the fact that they used a wind to blow outa could that chilled Annabel Lee.

By using repetition, a bit of irony, and symbols, Poe reveals that love is something to be remembered and always thought about, no matter what a situation. The constant repetition of Annabel Lee and sea, the irony of love being the death of the lover, and the deepness you may go with the word sea, the poem reveals love of the greatest time. With a bit quite a bit of feeling, Poe shows that not only is love a great feeling, it is the strongest feeling, and love shall always be cherished.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The author clearly explains Poe’s purpose in writing “Annabel Lee” in the introduction and then provides the reader with an in-depth analysis of the poem. (“Although this theory is not exact, I feel that in this poem, he created an imaginary story that portrayed his actual life and love with his previous wife Virginia who in this poem stimulates the character Annabel Lee. The poem ‘Annabel Lee’ may have been written to help Poe release his feelings over the death of Virginia .”) The thesis statement is clearly stated near the end of the introduction, which states, “Because of the tragic loss of his late bride, Poe fascinated us with a tale about his romance and feelings for his late maiden.” Furthermore, the writer makes various connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the specific literary techniques he/she describes, which clarify that the central idea of Poe’s writing of the poem is to express his grief over the death of his wife, Virginia.

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and strongly developed, and the writer uses many examples from the text. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence. The quotes selected from the text are excellent in showing Poe’s emotion in the poem. (“It is in the forth stanza that Poe starts blaming the death of 'his Annabel Lee' on something other than the wind that chilled her but more on jealousy. Poe details this by stating clearly that he though the death of Annabel Lee was on the angels in heaven that were jealous of the strong bond between the couple. ‘The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me - Yes! - that was the reason (as all men know in this kingdom by the sea) that the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing, my Annabel Lee.’ In this stanza he truly details the theory that the cause of Annabel Lee's death was due to the jealousy of the angels in heaven.”)

Organization

There is very effective organization throughout this essay, as the main idea of the essay is firmly established in the introductory paragraph. (“ Because of the tragic loss of his late bride, Poe fascinated us with a tale about his romance and feelings for his late maiden.”) The essay then discusses each stanza of the poem in chronological order. This essay also demonstrates a strong conclusion and effective use of transitional devices throughout. (“ Finally in the last stanza of the poem Annabel Lee he ends the masterpiece by stating that he always dreams of Annabel Lee and that when he dreams all he dreams is lying down by the side of his dead wife in the sepulcher by the sea.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the language use and style is sophisticated, creative, and highly effective. The author demonstrates precise language use, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and artful word choice that connects well with the subject of Poe’s purpose in writing “Annabel Lee.” Furthermore, sentences are well structured and varied. (“The poem conveyed the exquisiteness of their love shared as well as his feelings towards her sudden death. It is in this poem that Poe expanded our horizons and illustrated an amazing tale of how strong true love really is.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling and any minor errors that do exist do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Due to Edgar Allan Poe's word choice in this stanza, I would imagine Poe to be extremely sad yet filled with fury over he death of his beloved.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“Till Death do us Part...” Since this is commonly heard at wedding ceremonies, people tend to overlook the hidden meaning within the quote. Do lovers separate at death, or is there a chain that binds their souls together for eternity? For Edgar Allen Poe, he believes that the souls of he and his young wife Annabel Lee will never seperate, and will stay together forever. That's basically why I believe that the reasons Poe has for writing the poem “Annabel Lee”, are to honor the life of his wife, create a memoir of Annabel that is preserved on paper, and talk about their strong bond and how much she meant to him. Let me explain my reasoning.

First of all, Poe wanted to honor the life of the wife he had loved so much. He writes about “the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee” and calls her “my darling- my darling- my life and my bride”. Those few phrases convey the deep love that Edgar Allen Poe felt for his wife. Also, Poe states that “the moon never beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee”, so he clearly cares for her alot, and thinks about her even when she’s gone. Finally, Poe repeats the phrase “beautiful Annabel Lee” and “my darling” because that's clearly what he thinks of her and he wants to emphasize those points.

Secondly, Poe wants to create a lasting memoir of Annabel that is preserved on paper. Basically, he wants to tell their love story in a poetic way so that it will live on forever. He talks about their enjoyable youth together, that “I was a child and she was a child, in this kingdom by the sea...” He goes on, talking about the tragedy that fell upon them, when “[A] wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.” The mood of the poem shifts from peaceful and serene, to dismal and gloomy. During the last two lines, the ending words were both “sea”. He probably repeats that words to create imagery in the readers head, emphasizing the fact that Annabel will always be “in her tomb by the sounding sea”.

Finally, Poe wants to talk about his and Annabel's strong bond as husband and wife. He writes that “our love it was stronger by far than the love of those who were older than we”. Also, he states that “...Neither the angels in heaven above, nor the demons down under the sea, can ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee.” Poe clearly trusts the fact that he and Annabell will always be linked together.

All in all, Edgar Allen Poe wrote the poem “Annabel Lee” to honor the life of his young wife, create a memory of her, and talk about their strong bond. He was distraught after his wife’s death, but was comforted by the fact that they would always be “together”. Which goes to show, no matter how bright and strong the flame of love is, it can always be extinguished by a single wave of tragedy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author demonstrates good, clear focus and meaning throughout the essay regarding Poe’s purpose in writing “Annabel Lee.” (“ That's basically why I believe that the reasons Poe has for writing the poem ‘Annabel Lee’, are to honor the life of his wife, create a memoir of Annabel that is preserved on paper, and talk about their strong bond and how much she meant to him.”) He/she establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements or techniques through the controlling idea.

Content & Development

The content in this essay is clearly developed. Ideas are developed fully, clearly, and descriptively, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence to illustrate the concept of Poe’s writing of the poem to depict the love he shared for his wife. In addition, the quotes used are well chosen in support of the author’s main points. (“ First of all, Poe wanted to honor the life of the wife he had loved so much. He writes about ‘the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee’ and calls her ‘my darling- my darling- my life and my bride’. Those few phrases convey the deep love that Edgar Allen Poe felt for his wife. Also, Poe states that ‘the moon never beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee’, so he clearly cares for her alot, and thinks about her even when she's gone.”)

Organization

This essay is well organized throughout with a clear thesis statement near the end of the introduction, which includes an overview of the main points that the author plans to discuss. (“ That's basically why I believe that the reasons Poe has for writing the poem ‘Annabel Lee’, are to honor the life of his wife, create a memoir of Annabel that is preserved on paper, and talk about their strong bond and how much she meant to him.”) The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good, focused introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices. (“A ll in all, Edgar Allen Poe wrote the poem ‘Annabel Lee’ to honor the life of his young wife, create a memory of her, and talk about their strong bond. He was distraught after his wife's death, but was comforted by the fact that they would always be ‘together’. Which goes to show, no matter how bright and strong the flame of love is, it can always be extinguished by a single wave of tragedy.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the author’s use of language and style remains effective. The essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are also well structured and varied. (“ The mood of the poem shifts from peaceful and serene, to dismal and gloomy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and/or spelling are few and minor and do not interfere significantly with the communication of the author’s message. (“Finally, Poe repeats the phrase ‘beautiful Annabel Lee’ and ‘my darling’ because that’s clearly what he thinks of her and he wants to emphasize those points.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“Annabel Lee” by Edgar Allan Poe talks about himself and his sorrow when he lost his young bride. In the poem he describes his love for Annabel Lee and how she would never leave his heart. He talks about how he thought she was so beautiful and how he was the one for her. Annabel Lee was the young bride for Edgar and by the poem she was obviously in love with him too. I think that this poem expresses his feeling for her and how Edgar has wished that she was still alive for the future. He was in heaven when he was with her but until the day she was taken away from him it was the day that his life turned upside down.

Edgar’s purpose for writing this poem was to express his feeling for Annabel Lee and all the hurt and pain he felt when she had died. They were meant to be because of their love “Then to love and be loved by me” is what Edgar said. He is telling us that they loved each other. In his poem he also said, “But we loved with a love that was more then love- I and my Annabel Lee.” They were a child when they first met by when he said “I was a child and she was a child” they were obviously meant to be. They met at such young age, started out as friends and ended up as more than friends. I think that Edgar’s real motivation for the poem may be a reflection of his continued mourning for his wife.

Their love was very deep and they couldn't be separated. In the poem he talks about how he thought that the angels went against him because Annabel was so beautiful the angels took her for themselves. Edgar Allen Poe expresses the feeling that his Annabel Lee dies because of a cold. When he said, “Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee” so I thought that he was trying to say that the wind blew so hard and then she caught a cold, that ended up killing her, but he feels like their love was stronger then any love. even to the people that is older then them and had more experiences to love. He could never forget the day that they met and the love that they felt for each other.

In conclusion, Edgar loved his bride-to-be. he thought of her day and night never forgetting the love in her eyes and the beauty she had within her. He had loved her more then life and felt so sad and felt so much pain when she left him, but then he thought that now she is in a better place and just to think of the future and not the past, Because now it is the present and you can't go back in time or forward in time to ease the pain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer maintains adequate focus and meaning concerning Poe’s purpose in writing “Annabel Lee.” (“‘Annabel Lee’ by Edgar Allan Poe talks about himself and his sorrow when he lost his young bride.”) The author establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary devices Poe uses, which demonstrate the central idea that Poe wrote the poem to express his grief over losing his wife.

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas throughout this essay. Ideas are developed sufficiently with some details and evidence to support the main ideas of the particular literary devices Poe uses, which convey his emotion toward the death of his wife. (“ Edgar’s purpose for writing this poem was to express his feeling for Annabel Lee and all the hurt and pain he felt when she had died. They were meant to be because of their love ‘Then to love and be loved by me’ is what Edgar said. He is telling us that they loved each other. In his poem he also said, ‘But we loved with a love that was more then love- I and my Annabel Lee.’ They were a child when they first met by when he said ‘I was a child and she was a child’ they were obviously meant to be. They met at such young age, started out as friends and ended up as more than friends.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates adequate organization in the essay. There is an overview of the main ideas of the essay in the introduction, the use of some transitional devices, and a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. (“In conclusion, Edgar loved his bride-to-be. he thought of her day and night never forgetting the love in her eyes and the beauty she had within her. He had loved her more then life and felt so sad and felt so much pain when she left him, but then he thought that now she is in a better place and just to think of the future and not the past, Because now it is the present and you can't go back in time or forward in time to ease the pain.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay are adequate with appropriate word choice, an apparent voice and awareness of audience, and correct sentence structure with some variety. (“Edgar’s purpose for writing this poem was to express his feeling for Annabel Lee and all the hurt and pain he felt when she had died. They were meant to be because of their love ‘Then to love and be loved by me’ is what Edgar said. He is telling us that they loved each other.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout this essay. There are several errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ When he said, ‘Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee’ so I thought that he was trying to say that the wind blew so hard and then she caught a cold, that ended up killing her, but he feels like their love was stronger then any love. even to the people that is older then them and had more experiences to love.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Annbel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe the author shows that he is in love with Annabel Lee through he’s actions and he’s language.In this story you will fell the emotions of the poet and the horrible fate he had to go through. First,through hes actions you can tell the poet is in love with Annabel Lee because he says “,I sleep by my darling Annabel Lee”.Also,he says, ”He looks up at the stars and see's he's beautiful Annabel Lee.During the poets sadness from he’s loss he needed to blame the holy angels for what no one could stop.Once again the poet shows he is very sad and angry for all that happened to him.

Also,the poet uses language to show he is in love with Annabel Lee by saying her name in the story nine times.This shows he is not ready to let go of Annabel Lee.The poet uses the quote”Kingdom by the sea”.He uses the word kingdom maybe it’s because he is trying to stand tall like a tower for his wife.He uses sea because it’s endless and his love is endless to.The three main words the poet uses in the story is “sea”,”me”,and “Lee”.Using these three words the poet can communicate he's love toward Annabel Lee in rhyme.As he was wrighting this story it shows he uses these words for a reason.There not there just because he randomly put them there.It’s there to show the message of the whole story.That message is love is stronger then anything.feel that is the message he is trying to communicate.

In conclusion the poet shows us a whole new level of love.Through words the poet shows affection like when he says “he blamed the holy angels for it and he’s action’s he shows sadness like when he says “sea”.During the poets life this story tells of his same exact life style.Right before he started the story hes wife died.This story tells he's life.This is why i feel this story is excellent and everyone should read it.Many people don’t like poetry including me until I read this story.The poet’s life will always live on through he’s story.Annabel’s life is like a story once you read it you don’t want to read it again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning regarding Poe’s purpose in writing “Annabel Lee.” He/she establishes only a basic analysis of the poem and makes few connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a vague controlling idea. (“In Annbel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe the author shows that he is in love with Annabel Lee through he's actions and he’s language.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. There are not enough supporting details in this essay, with the author only discussing Poe’s use of action and language in the poem. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate details to support the writer’s main ideas. (“ First,through hes actions you can tell the poet is in love with Annabel Lee because he says ‘,I sleep by my darling Annabel Lee’.Also,he says,’ He looks up at the stars and see's he's beautiful Annabel Lee.During the poets sadness from he’s loss he needed to blame the holy angels for what no one could stop.Once again the poet shows he is very sad and angry for all that happened to him.”)

Organization

Throughout this essay, organization is limited. The essay consists of only three paragraphs with some transitional devices used and a weak conclusion. (“ This is why i feel this story is excellent and everyone should read it.Many people don't like poetry including me until I read this story.The poet’s life will always live on through he’s story.Annabel’s life is like a story once you read it you don’t want to read it again.”) In addition, the introduction is also weak and only consists of a brief overview of the ideas in the essay. Lastly, information that should be contained in the first body paragraph is included in the introduction, making the organization confusing. (“ In Annbel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe the author shows that he is in love with Annabel Lee through he’s actions and he’s language.In this story you will fell the emotions of the poet and the horrible fate he had to go through. First,through hes actions you can tell the poet is in love with Annabel Lee because he says ’,I sleep by my darling Annabel Lee’.Also,he says,’ He looks up at the stars and see’s he’s beautiful Annabel Lee.During the poets sadness from he’s loss he needed to blame the holy angels for what no one could stop.Once again the poet shows he is very sad and angry for all that happened to him.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style is limited throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and only a somewhat apparent voice. There is little sentence variety and limited word choice. (“This is why i feel this story is excellent and everyone should read it.Many people don’t like poetry including me until I read this story.The poet’s life will always live on through he’s story.Annabel's life is like a story once you read it you don’t want to read it again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the essay maintains only a limited control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent and may detract from the communication of the intended message. (“There not there just because he randomly put them there.It’s there to show the message of the whole story.That message is love is stronger then anything.feel that is the message he is trying to communicate.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that edgar acted like a really nice husband to her the way that they react with each other. I think he would give any thing for her I think that the most of the time when he wrighting the storie he got sensative more and more he rote when he was in depresion the more he wrote the more he thinks about her so when he goes to her toom he thinks about the storie that he wrote and decated to her.

I think that edger allen poe wrote this to show the love and compassion for his wife.I also belive that he wrote it to help get her out of his mind and set his soul to rest. i think that this poem is a great piece of art and a great tribute to his wife and society. i think that he would of done anything for his wife and i think that the more he wrote about his wife the more he rembered and thought about so the more he wrote the deeper the storie gets.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author maintains minimal focus and meaning regarding Poe’s purpose for writing “Annabel Lee.” The author establishes a weak opinion, with his/her repeated use of the word “think.” The writer also does not delve into the actual focus of the essay until the second paragraph. (“ I think that edger allen poe wrote this to show the love and compassion for his wife.”)

Content & Development

The content in this essay is minimal and poorly developed. The one body paragraph contains few details, which are briefly and incompletely developed with no references to the text of the poem to support the writer’s ideas. (“ I think that edger allen poe wrote this to show the love and compassion for his wife.I also belive that he wrote it to help get her out of his mind and set his soul to rest. i think that this poem is a great piece of art and a great tribute to his wife and society. i think that he would of done anything for his wife and i think that the more he wrote about his wife the more he rembered and thought about so the more he wrote the deeper the storie gets.”)

Organization

The writer of this essay demonstrates only min imal organization. The essay has a poor structure, as there are only two paragraphs, including a weak introduction and one body paragraph, and no obvious conclusion. The essay appears to be just a natural flow of ideas with no thought to standard organization. There is little evidence of transitional devices with only the word “also” used once. (“ I think that edger allen poe wrote this to show the love and compassion for his wife.I also belive that he wrote it to help get her out of his mind and set his soul to rest. i think that this poem is a great piece of art and a great tribute to his wife and society. i think that he would of done anything for his wife and i think that the more he wrote about his wife the more he rembered and thought about so the more he wrote the deeper the storie gets.”)

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal skill in language use and style. Language use is weak, with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent, and word choice is quite minimal with the word “think” repeated several times throughout the essay. (“I think that edgar acted like a really nice husband to her the way that they react with each other. I think he would give any thing for her I think that the most of the time when he wrighting the storie he got sensative more and more he rote when he was in depresion the more he wrote the more he thinks about her so when he goes to her toom he thinks about the storie that he wrote and decated to her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are found in the essay, which substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s intended message. (“ i think that he would of done anything for his wife and i think that the more he wrote about his wife the more he rembered and thought about so the more he wrote the deeper the storie gets.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To me Edgar Allan Poe wrote this poem for his wife because she passed away. What realy stands out to me in this poem is that he uses alot different writeing styles in this poem which i will name and define in this report. “Annabel Lee” was a poem about the autors wife in which he said that she was perfect.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author establishes inadequate focus and meaning in this essay. He/she fails to establish a clear focus toward the central idea of Poe’s purpose for writing “Annabel Lee.” The writer states that Poe “wrote the poem for his wife,” but then does not elaborate on this idea and goes on, instead, to mention the writing styles that Poe uses in the poem. (“To me Edgar Allan Poe wrote this poem for his wife because she passed away. What realy stands out to me in this poem is that he uses alot different writeing styles in this poem which i will name and define in this report. ‘Annabel Lee’ was a poem about the autors wife in which he said that she was perfect.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content with little development, as it only consists of one short paragraph. The essay fails to develop ideas and to provide an appropriate number of details to support the writer’s few ideas set forth. (“ To me Edgar Allan Poe wrote this poem for his wife because she passed away. What realy stands out to me in this poem is that he uses alot different writeing styles in this poem which i will name and define in this report. ‘Annabel Lee’ was a poem about the autors wife in which he said that she was perfect.”)

Organization

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is inadequate, with unclear language use, no awareness of audience, and no evidence of voice. There are major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“ To me Edgar Allan Poe wrote this poem for his wife because she passed away. What realy stands out to me in this poem is that he uses alot different writeing styles in this poem which i will name and define in this report. ‘Annabel Lee’ was a poem about the autors wife in which he said that she was perfect.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer has inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ What realy stands out to me in this poem is that he uses alot different writeing styles in this poem which i will name and define in this report. ‘Annabel Lee’ was a poem about the autors wife in which he said that she was perfect.”)

Beyond the Story’s Ending in “The Necklace”

In the story, the main character, Mathilde Loisel, borrows what she thinks is a very expensive diamond necklace from her friend, Madame Jeanne Forestier. Mathilde loses the necklace and soon finds that her life is shaped by her decision to not tell the truth about the loss. The story ends with Mathilde's discovery that the necklace she had borrowed was not the expensive real diamond necklace that she thought it was. What do you think happened in Mathilde's life after that discovery?

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss what you think happened to Mathilde after she discovered that the necklace she originally borrowed and lost was made of fake diamonds. Use details from the story to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the beginning of “The Necklace," Madame Loisel, an envious, conceited, arrogant woman, is invited to a party, the lavish kind, where the wealthy spend their nights dancing in all of their extravagance, their elaborate layers of silken, floor length dresses twirling around their ankles. She, being the conceited, manipulative kind of person, talks her husband into giving her an amount of money to buy herself a dress that will satisfy her covetous heart. Only once she has this dress, she feels more dubious about her elegance, so she sets out to find herself jewels. Her husband suggests that she should borrow some from her friend, Jeanne Forestier, the woman who had the fortune to marry a rich man. She admits to herself that this is a good idea, and does as her husband says. Upon arriving at Jeanne's home, Madame Loisel looks at her array of precious jewels. As she looks, she spots a box of soft blue velvet, when she looks inside; she sees the most charming diamond necklace that she had seen in the course of this endeavor. The following evening, she goes to the party, and dances her envy away. As she leaves, regretfully, walking away from the party she realizes, the necklace has disappeared from her neck. She realizes that her friend cannot know for fear that she should get overly angry, and take extreme measures against her. So she enters the life of extreme poverty, and it wears her, humbles her. As she emerges from the flames of debt that had held her for ten long years, she sees her friend, and even decides to speak with her. As they talk, Jeanne tells her that that her original necklace was a fake, a cheap imitation. And, knowing Madame Loisel and Jeanne Forestier, this is what I think will happen next.

"A fake?" Madame Loisel's voice grows small, with sorrow, and regret. "Yes. Oh, dear, and to think that you've been working all those years. Oh, you should have told me." And in that one moment, Madame Loisel can't bear to look at her friend, to see her in her finery, inadvertently taunting her with her abundant youthfulness, undaunted from the years, still young, still beautiful. In a rush, a flurry of emotion, she stalks past her friend, murmuring, “It's late, I must be getting home," leaving a bewildered Madame Forestier behind her.

She walks, fast, practically running, her adrenaline providing energy to make her up the stairs that usually leave her gasping for air. She runs into her apartment, shuts the door, and slowly, timidly, walks to the worn couch in her living room, realizing now that there are tears, running down her cheeks in solid rivers, dripping off her chin.

She reaches, up, and takes the frayed, threadbare blanket that is hanging on the couch behind her. "Why didn't I just confess?" she wailed to the empty apartment, "the odds were in my favor why, why didn't I think, she's my friend, she would have understood," She trailed off, laying her head in her hands, she falls into a sleep, and dreams about life if she had done the right thing.

She wakes suddenly to a sharp rapping on her door, a voice calling to her on the other side. "Mathilde, let me come in, " it was the voice of her friend, the beautiful, young Madame Forestier. Confused, in a daze, Madame Loisel stood and walked to the door. "Jeanne?" she called, "Jeanne, you followed me here?" She opened the door. "Oh, please, don't be silly I hired-" but seeing the expression on her friend's face she amended, "Of course I followed you, You are my friend, and after ten years, I don't want you to leave from my life again." Madame Loisel, taken aback by these words, started crying again, and stepped out of the apartment to give her friend a large hug. "Come in, sit down, I have tea, would you like some tea?" "Yes, yes I would, thank you," replies Jeanne.

As the tea is sitting on the stove brewing, Madame Loisel tells Madame Forestier her entire story, from the beginning. Madame Forestier nods, and even smiles as Madame Loisel recounts the ball. "Well," she said, "I do not blame you for what you did, but you still ought to have told me what had happened.

When they sit down to have the tea, Monseir Loisel interrupts them, bursting through the door, excited. "Well darling what is it?" Madame loisel stood, alarmed. "Oh, I have great, wonderful news! My paycheck has just been raised by almost eighty francs a week!" He told Mathilde, then he noticed Jeanne and grew rigid. "Madame Forestier," he acknowledged her. "Yes, hello, Monsieur Loisel, good news you have, a pay raise," she said uncertainly, for her husband had had the same large income, and had never bothered to need a raise. Monsieur Loisel nodded at her and said this is good, we might be able to get a new apartment in a few weeks, one closer to the ground. Then an idea struck Madame Forestier. She quickly explained to the Loisels, "Since I bought that necklace for five hundred francs," she then noticed Monsieur Loisel sit down, shocked as Mathilde explained the current situation. She continued, "In a few weeks, you can pay me the five hundred for the necklace, sell it for what you bought it for, and have your old life back, maybe, just maybe, Monsieur Forestier can find you a more suitable job."

The Loisels looked at one another, then back at Madame Forestier. "Yes," Mathilde heard herself say, "We would like that very much."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“In the beginning of ‘The Necklace,’ Madame Loisel, an envious, conceited, arrogant woman, is invited to a party, the lavish kind, where the wealthy spend their nights dancing in all of their extravagance, their elaborate layers of silken, floor length dresses twirling around their ankles. She, being the conceited, manipulative kind of person, talks her husband into giving her an amount of money to buy herself a dress that will satisfy her covetous heart. Only once she has this dress, she feels more dubious about her elegance, so she sets out to find herself jewels.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. The writer artfully summarizes the important events in the story and smoothly moves into extending the story’s ending. (“The following evening, she goes to the party, and dances her envy away. As she leaves, regretfully, walking away from the party she realizes, the necklace has disappeared from her neck. She realizes that her friend cannot know for fear that she should get overly angry, and take extreme measures against her. So she enters the life of extreme poverty, and it wears her, humbles her. As she emerges from the flames of debt that had held her for ten long years, she sees her friend, and even decides to speak with her. As they talk, Jeanne tells her that that her original necklace was a fake, a cheap imitation. And, knowing Madame Loisel and Jeanne Forestier, this is what I think will happen next.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The new ending very effectively illustrates the Loisels’ numbed reaction to the turn of events and what Madame Forestier ’s offer means for their future. (“Then an idea struck Madame Forestier. She quickly explained to the Loisels, ‘Since I bought that necklace for five hundred francs,’ she then noticed Monsieur Loisel sit down, shocked as Mathilde explained the current situation. She continued, ‘In a few weeks, you can pay me the five hundred for the necklace, sell it for what you bought it for, and have your old life back, maybe, just maybe, Monsieur Forestier can find you a more suitable job.’

The Loisels looked at one another, then back at Madame Forestier. ‘Yes,’ Mathilde heard herself say, ‘We would like that very much.’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Her husband suggests that she should borrow some from her friend, Jeanne Forestier, the woman who had the fortune to marry a rich man. She admits to herself that this is a good idea, and does as her husband says. Upon arriving at Jeanne's home, Madame Loisel looks at her array of precious jewels. As she looks, she spots a box of soft blue velvet, when she looks inside; she sees the most charming diamond necklace that she had seen in the course of this endeavor. The following evening, she goes to the party, and dances her envy away.”)

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“She reaches, up, and takes the frayed, threadbare blanket that is hanging on the couch behind her. ‘Why didn't I just confess?’ she wailed to the empty apartment, ‘the odds were in my favor why, why didn't I think, she's my friend, she would have understood,’ She trailed off, laying her head in her hands, she falls into a sleep, and dreams about life if she had done the right thing.”)

Relevant points illustrate Mathilde Loisel’s change in character very effectively. (“She wakes suddenly to a sharp rapping on her door, a voice calling to her on the other side. ‘Mathilde, let me come in, ‘ it was the voice of her friend, the beautiful, young Madame Forestier. Confused, in a daze, Madame Loisel stood and walked to the door. ‘Jeanne?’ she called, ‘Jeanne, you followed me here?’ She opened the door. ‘Oh, please, don't be silly I hired-‘ but seeing the expression on her friend's face she amended, ‘Of course I followed you, You are my friend, and after ten years, I don't want you to leave from my life again.’ Madame Loisel, taken aback by these words, started crying again, and stepped out of the apartment to give her friend a large hug. ‘Come in, sit down, I have tea, would you like some tea?’ ‘Yes, yes I would, thank you,’ replies Jeanne.”)

Organization

The introduction provides very effective information for the readers so that they understand the connection between the background information and the prompt task to continue the story beyond its original ending. (“In the beginning of ‘The Necklace,’ Madame Loisel, an envious, conceited, arrogant woman, is invited to a party, the lavish kind, where the wealthy spend their nights dancing in all of their extravagance, their elaborate layers of silken, floor length dresses twirling around their ankles. She, being the conceited, manipulative kind of person, talks her husband into giving her an amount of money to buy herself a dress that will satisfy her covetous heart. Only once she has this dress, she feels more dubious about her elegance, so she sets out to find herself jewels. Her husband suggests that she should borrow some from her friend, Jeanne Forestier, the woman who had the fortune to marry a rich man. She admits to herself that this is a good idea, and does as her husband says. Upon arriving at Jeanne's home, Madame Loisel looks at her array of precious jewels. As she looks, she spots a box of soft blue velvet, when she looks inside; she sees the most charming diamond necklace that she had seen in the course of this endeavor. The following evening, she goes to the party, and dances her envy away. As she leaves, regretfully, walking away from the party she realizes, the necklace has disappeared from her neck. She realizes that her friend cannot know for fear that she should get overly angry, and take extreme measures against her. So she enters the life of extreme poverty, and it wears her, humbles her. As she emerges from the flames of debt that had held her for ten long years, she sees her friend, and even decides to speak with her. As they talk, Jeanne tells her that that her original necklace was a fake, a cheap imitation. And, knowing Madame Loisel and Jeanne Forestier, this is what I think will happen next.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“When they sit down to have the tea, Monseir Loisel interrupts them, bursting through the door, excited. ‘Well darling what is it?’ Madame loisel stood, alarmed. ‘Oh, I have great, wonderful news! My paycheck has just been raised by almost eighty francs a week!’ He told Mathilde, then he noticed Jeanne and grew rigid. ‘Madame Forestier,’ he acknowledged her. ‘Yes, hello, Monsieur Loisel, good news you have, a pay raise,’ she said uncertainly, for her husband had had the same large income, and had never bothered to need a raise. Monsieur Loisel nodded at her and said this is good, we might be able to get a new apartment in a few weeks, one closer to the ground. Then an idea struck Madame Forestier. She quickly explained to the Loisels, ‘Since I bought that necklace for five hundred francs,’ she then noticed Monsieur Loisel sit down, shocked as Mathilde explained the current situation. She continued, ‘In a few weeks, you can pay me the five hundred for the necklace, sell it for what you bought it for, and have your old life back, maybe, just maybe, Monsieur Forestier can find you a more suitable job.’”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with something to think about. The readers understand that the Loisels’ lives will change, but the ending leaves it to the readers’ imagination. (“The Loisels looked at one another, then back at Madame Forestier. ‘Yes,’ Mathilde heard herself say, ‘We would like that very much.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“In the beginning of ‘The Necklace,’ Madame Loisel, an envious, conceited, arrogant woman, is invited to a party, the lavish kind, where the wealthy spend their nights dancing in all of their extravagance, their elaborate layers of silken, floor length dresses twirling around their ankles. She, being the conceited, manipulative kind of person, talks her husband into giving her an amount of money to buy herself a dress that will satisfy her covetous heart. Only once she has this dress, she feels more dubious about her elegance, so she sets out to find herself jewels.”)

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores the discomfort of the moment when Mathilde understands her mistake and its consequences. (“‘ A fake?’ Madame Loisel's voice grows small, with sorrow, and regret. ‘Yes. Oh, dear, and to think that you've been working all those years. Oh, you should have told me.’ And in that one moment, Madame Loisel can't bear to look at her friend, to see her in her finery, inadvertently taunting her with her abundant youthfulness, undaunted from the years, still young, still beautiful. In a rush, a flurry of emotion, she stalks past her friend, murmuring, ‘It's late, I must be getting home,’ leaving a bewildered Madame Forestier behind her.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Mathilde’s emotional response to Madame Forestier’s news so that by the end of the story, the readers understand how Mathilde’s years of poverty have humbled her. (“ She walks, fast, practically running, her adrenaline providing energy to make her up the stairs that usually leave her gasping for air. She runs into her apartment, shuts the door, and slowly, timidly, walks to the worn couch in her living room, realizing now that there are tears, running down her cheeks in solid rivers, dripping off her chin.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. The writer should use consistent verb tense. (“ She wakes suddenly to a sharp rapping on her door, a voice calling to her on the other side. ‘Mathilde, let me come in, ‘ it was the voice of her friend, the beautiful, young Madame Forestier. Confused, in a daze, Madame Loisel stood and walked to the door. ‘Jeanne?’ she called, ‘Jeanne, you followed me here?’ She opened the door. ‘Oh, please, don't be silly I hired-‘ but seeing the expression on her friend's face she amended, ‘Of course I followed you, You are my friend, and after ten years, I don't want you to leave from my life again.’ Madame Loisel, taken aback by these words, started crying again, and stepped out of the apartment to give her friend a large hug. ‘Come in, sit down, I have tea, would you like some tea?’ ‘Yes, yes I would, thank you,’ replies Jeanne.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short story "The Necklace," a woman named Mathilde Loisel marries a man of few means and is miserable without her expensive clothes and jewelry. She stays home and mourns for herself; she fears the public and what they would think of her if they saw her in the poor clothes she owned. When her husband comes home with an invitation from the Minister of Education to a dinner party, she despairs because she doesn't own anything elegant enough to wear for a party. Her husband gives her some money to buy a dress she can wear, to not only the party but again in the future.

Two days until the party, she was despairing at the table when her husband comes home. She tells him that she doesn't have any jewels to wear with the dress she had bought. He tells her that she could go over to the house of her friend, Madame Jeanne Forestier. She travels to her friend's house and borrows a beautiful diamond necklace. She goes to the party and everyone adores her. She is happy and doesn't want to leave. When the time came to leave, she was worried that someone would see her in her tattered coat to go home. They hurried to find a taxi but couldn't. When they finally made it home she realized she had lost the necklace that belonged to her friend. She was heartbroken and couldn't believe she had let herself lose the beautiful piece of jewelry.

When her husband came back from looking and hadn't found anything, they decided to go and buy a new one. The cost made them lose everything. They sold their house and bought a small one. They fired their serving maid and Mathilde did the house work. This continued for ten years. When they finished paying off the cost of the new necklace she went outside and saw Madame Jeanne Forestier. She went over to her old friend and told the truth about the necklace that she had lost. When her friend made the startling announcement that her original necklace her been a fraud and that it had never been real, the story ends.

I think that Mathilde Loisel would be really surprised at the announcement and would be really mad and sad at the same time. If I was Mathilde I would have been mad at myself for not telling the truth in the beginning. I would have gone and taken the necklace from Madame Jeanne Forestier and sold it and gotten the money back. I would have said sorry and repaid the money that had been lent form relatives and my husband.

The ending I would have written for this short story would have had Mathilde Loisel really angry and demanding that Jeanne Forestier give her the necklace she had paid the last ten years of her life for. I would have her brake down and be really sad for a really long time. Her husband would try everything to get her to be happy again, but would fail and would be discouraged too. They would eventually get over the mistakes of their past and get on with the future, only to be faced with severe twisting plots and problems.

I like this story and like the suspense at the end. I love the detail and the descriptions of the dinner party and the home of Mathilde Loisel. The author, Guy de Maupassant is a very creative and talented writer from what I read in this story. To me, it's like almost going into the story and living it myself. I love reading and this short story thoroughly impressed me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. The writer clearly summarizes the plot events, giving readers the information necessary for understanding a new ending. The writer is effective in this approach and creates a believable extension of the storyline. (“ In the short story ‘The Necklace,’ a woman named Mathilde Loisel marries a man of few means and is miserable without her expensive clothes and jewelry. She stays home and mourns for herself; she fears the public and what they would think of her if they saw her in the poor clothes she owned. When her husband comes home with an invitation from the Minister of Education to a dinner party, she despairs because she doesn't own anything elegant enough to wear for a party. Her husband gives her some money to buy a dress she can wear, to not only the party but again in the future.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The ending I would have written for this short story would have had Mathilde Loisel really angry and demanding that Jeanne Forestier give her the necklace she had paid the last ten years of her life for. I would have her brake down and be really sad for a really long time. Her husband would try everything to get her to be happy again, but would fail and would be discouraged too. They would eventually get over the mistakes of their past and get on with the future, only to be faced with severe twisting plots and problems.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details expressing the writer’s reactions to the plot events. The writer puts himself/herself in the position of the characters to analyze the consequences of their behavior in the story. (“ I think that Mathilde Loisel would be really surprised at the announcement and would be really mad and sad at the same time. If I was Mathilde I would have been mad at myself for not telling the truth in the beginning. I would have gone and taken the necklace from Madame Jeanne Forestier and sold it and gotten the money back. I would have said sorry and repaid the money that had been lent form relatives and my husband.”)

Content & Development

The essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“In the short story ‘The Necklace,’ a woman named Mathilde Loisel marries a man of few means and is miserable without her expensive clothes and jewelry. She stays home and mourns for herself; she fears the public and what they would think of her if they saw her in the poor clothes she owned. When her husband comes home with an invitation from the Minister of Education to a dinner party, she despairs because she doesn't own anything elegant enough to wear for a party. Her husband gives her some money to buy a dress she can wear, to not only the party but again in the future.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Two days until the party, she was despairing at the table when her husband comes home. She tells him that she doesn't have any jewels to wear with the dress she had bought. He tells her that she could go over to the house of her friend, Madame Jeanne Forestier. She travels to her friend's house and borrows a beautiful diamond necklace. She goes to the party and everyone adores her. She is happy and doesn't want to leave. When the time came to leave, she was worried that someone would see her in her tattered coat to go home. They hurried to find a taxi but couldn't. When they finally made it home she realized she had lost the necklace that belonged to her friend. She was heartbroken and couldn't believe she had let herself lose the beautiful piece of jewelry.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“I think that Mathilde Loisel would be really surprised at the announcement and would be really mad and sad at the same time. If I was Mathilde I would have been mad at myself for not telling the truth in the beginning. I would have gone and taken the necklace from Madame Jeanne Forestier and sold it and gotten the money back. I would have said sorry and repaid the money that had been lent form relatives and my husband.”)

Organization

The introduction includes adequate background information and an introduction to the characters in the story. (“ In the short story ‘The Necklace,’ a woman named Mathilde Loisel marries a man of few means and is miserable without her expensive clothes and jewelry. She stays home and mourns for herself; she fears the public and what they would think of her if they saw her in the poor clothes she owned. When her husband comes home with an invitation from the Minister of Education to a dinner party, she despairs because she doesn't own anything elegant enough to wear for a party. Her husband gives her some money to buy a dress she can wear, to not only the party but again in the future.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ When her husband came back from looking and hadn't found anything, they decided to go and buy a new one. The cost made them lose everything. They sold their house and bought a small one. They fired their serving maid and Mathilde did the house work. This continued for ten years. When they finished paying off the cost of the new necklace she went outside and saw Madame Jeanne Forestier. She went over to her old friend and told the truth about the necklace that she had lost. When her friend made the startling announcement that her original necklace her been a fraud and that it had never been real, the story ends.”) The writer can explore additional “Quarter” and “Dollar” to “Five” and “Fifty” dollar transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ I like this story and like the suspense at the end. I love the detail and the descriptions of the dinner party and the home of Mathilde Loisel. The author, Guy de Maupassant is a very creative and talented writer from what I read in this story. To me, it's like almost going into the story and living it myself. I love reading and this short story thoroughly impressed me.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer demonstrates strong voice in many parts of the response. (“ Two days until the party, she was despairing at the table when her husband comes home. She tells him that she doesn't have any jewels to wear with the dress she had bought. He tells her that she could go over to the house of her friend, Madame Jeanne Forestier. She travels to her friend's house and borrows a beautiful diamond necklace. She goes to the party and everyone adores her. She is happy and doesn't want to leave. When the time came to leave, she was worried that someone would see her in her tattered coat to go home. They hurried to find a taxi but couldn't. When they finally made it home she realized she had lost the necklace that belonged to her friend. She was heartbroken and couldn't believe she had let herself lose the beautiful piece of jewelry. ”)

Although the writer makes appropriate word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone, he/she needs to use more exact and specific words throughout the essay. (“ I think that Mathilde Loisel would be really surprised at the announcement and would be really mad and sad at the same time. If I was Mathilde I would have been mad at myself for not telling the truth in the beginning. I would have gone and taken the necklace from Madame Jeanne Forestier and sold it and gotten the money back. I would have said sorry and repaid the money that had been lent form relatives and my husband.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The ending I would have written for this short story would have had Mathilde Loisel really angry and demanding that Jeanne Forestier give her the necklace she had paid the last ten years of her life for. I would have her brake down and be really sad for a really long time. Her husband would try everything to get her to be happy again, but would fail and would be discouraged too. They would eventually get over the mistakes of their past and get on with the future, only to be faced with severe twisting plots and problems.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ I like this story and like the suspense at the end. I love the detail and the descriptions of the dinner party and the home of Mathilde Loisel. The author, Guy de Maupassant is a very creative and talented writer from what I read in this story. To me, it's like almost going into the story and living it myself. I love reading and this short story thoroughly impressed me. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Necklace" by Gay de Maupassan

We just read a short story "The Necklace" in English class. This short story is about a couple, Madame Loisel and Mousier Loisel, get invited to a ball, and Madame Loisel doesn't have anything to wear. So she goes to her friend, Madame Forestier, and borrows her necklace. Everyone at the ball thought she looked beautiful. When she got home though, she realizes that the necklace is gone. Madame Loisel decides not to tell her friend that she lost her necklace. So her husband and she went to a jewelry shop and saw the exact same necklace. It was worth thirty- six thousand francs, and they only have half of the money. So her husband and she works for ten years to replace the necklace. When they finally replace it, Madame Loisel is ugly and old. When she sees Madame Forestier in the park, she tells her what happened. Forestier tells her it was only an imitation worth only five hundred francs.

After Mathilde realize the necklace is a fake she will be furious with Forestier. She will be furious because the ten years she worked it took away her beauty. Now she is old and crabby. She will miss her admirers because of her beauty. She will also demand both of the necklace because she worked hard for it. Since she already paid for it she will need it. Since she has both necklaces she will sell both of them and get really wealthy. She will buy dresses, and jewelry so she can restore her beauty. So the people can admire her once more as they did in the ball. Then she can be content, and stop asking for things instead of buying them.

If Mathilde does sell the necklace Mousier will be happy because they are very wealthy. It will change their lives because they were poor in the beginning, and now they are rich. Madame Forestier will be sorry and will give Mathilde some of her jewelry to Mathilde. Mathilde will forgive her and they will be friends again. Then Mathilde can share some of the wealth with her both of them can be very happy.

I think the short story was good. The only thing I didn't like was when Madame Forestier didn't tell Madame Loisel that the necklace was a fake. I think that because Madame Loisel didn't have anything to wear, that is where the trouble started. If that didn't happen then I wouldn't have made the conclusion. The story wouldn't have suspense. So I think the story had a good ending, having the readers clueless of the reaction of Madame Loisel. I think the lesson is to not to be needy when you already have good things. Other then that I thought the short story was awesome.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer extends the story events beyond the original ending and provides adequate details so that the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“If Mathilde does sell the necklace Mousier will be happy because they are very wealthy. It will change their lives because they were poor in the beginning, and now they are rich. Madame Forestier will be sorry and will give Mathilde some of her jewelry to Mathilde. Mathilde will forgive her and they will be friends again. Then Mathilde can share some of the wealth with her both of them can be very happy.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer summarizes the story’s plot before adding his/her own version of the resolution. (“This short story is about a couple, Madame Loisel and Mousier Loisel, get invited to a ball, and Madame Loisel doesn't have anything to wear. So she goes to her friend, Madame Forestier, and borrows her necklace. Everyone at the ball thought she looked beautiful. When she got home though, she realizes that the necklace is gone. Madame Loisel decides not to tell her friend that she lost her necklace. So her husband and she went to a jewelry shop and saw the exact same necklace. It was worth thirty- six thousand francs, and they only have half of the money. So her husband and she works for ten years to replace the necklace. When they finally replace it, Madame Loisel is ugly and old. When she sees Madame Forestier in the park, she tells her what happened. Forestier tells her it was only an imitation worth only five hundred francs.”)

The writer adequately uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. Although the writer discusses the theme of being content with what one has, he/she does not clearly incorporate that lesson learned into his/her new ending. (“I think the short story was good. The only thing I didn't like was when Madame Forestier didn't tell Madame Loisel that the necklace was a fake. I think that because Madame Loisel didn't have anything to wear, that is where the trouble started. If that didn't happen then I wouldn't have made the conclusion. The story wouldn't have suspense. So I think the story had a good ending, having the readers clueless of the reaction of Madame Loisel. I think the lesson is to not to be needy when you already have good things. Other then that I thought the short story was awesome.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate use of content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“So she goes to her friend, Madame Forestier, and borrows her necklace. Everyone at the ball thought she looked beautiful. When she got home though, she realizes that the necklace is gone. Madame Loisel decides not to tell her friend that she lost her necklace. So her husband and she went to a jewelry shop and saw the exact same necklace. It was worth thirty- six thousand francs, and they only have half of the money. So her husband and she works for ten years to replace the necklace.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“After Mathilde realize the necklace is a fake she will be furious with Forestier. She will be furious because the ten years she worked it took away her beauty. Now she is old and crabby. She will miss her admirers because of her beauty. She will also demand both of the necklace because she worked hard for it. Since she already paid for it she will need it. Since she has both necklaces she will sell both of them and get really wealthy. She will buy dresses, and jewelry so she can restore her beauty. So the people can admire her once more as they did in the ball. Then she can be content, and stop asking for things instead of buying them.”)

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“She will also demand both of the necklace because she worked hard for it. Since she already paid for it she will need it. Since she has both necklaces she will sell both of them and get really wealthy. She will buy dresses, and jewelry so she can restore her beauty. So the people can admire her once more as they did in the ball. Then she can be content, and stop asking for things instead of buying them.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the short story. (“ We just read a short story ‘The Necklace’ in English class. This short story is about a couple, Madame Loisel and Mousier Loisel, get invited to a ball, and Madame Loisel doesn't have anything to wear. So she goes to her friend, Madame Forestier, and borrows her necklace. Everyone at the ball thought she looked beautiful. When she got home though, she realizes that the necklace is gone. Madame Loisel decides not to tell her friend that she lost her necklace. So her husband and she went to a jewelry shop and saw the exact same necklace. It was worth thirty- six thousand francs, and they only have half of the money. So her husband and she works for ten years to replace the necklace. When they finally replace it, Madame Loisel is ugly and old. When she sees Madame Forestier in the park, she tells her what happened. Forestier tells her it was only an imitation worth only five hundred francs.”)

Although the writer employs adequate transitions between sentences and paragraphs, they are repetitive in nature. Using a greater variety of t ransitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank will help to better connect ideas. (“ Since she already paid for it she will need it. Since she has both necklaces she will sell both of them and get really wealthy. She will buy dresses, and jewelry so she can restore her beauty. So the people can admire her once more as they did in the ball. Then she can be content, and stop asking for things instead of buying them.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ I think the short story was good. The only thing I didn't like was when Madame Forestier didn't tell Madame Loisel that the necklace was a fake. I think that because Madame Loisel didn't have anything to wear, that is where the trouble started. If that didn't happen then I wouldn't have made the conclusion. The story wouldn't have suspense. So I think the story had a good ending, having the readers clueless of the reaction of Madame Loisel. I think the lesson is to not to be needy when you already have good things. Other then that I thought the short story was awesome. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ This short story is about a couple, Madame Loisel and Mousier Loisel, get invited to a ball, and Madame Loisel doesn't have anything to wear. So she goes to her friend, Madame Forestier, and borrows her necklace. Everyone at the ball thought she looked beautiful. When she got home though, she realizes that the necklace is gone. Madame Loisel decides not to tell her friend that she lost her necklace. So her husband and she went to a jewelry shop and saw the exact same necklace. It was worth thirty- six thousand francs, and they only have half of the money.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of the story’s narrator. The essay would be more powerful if the writer utilized dialogue. (“ If Mathilde does sell the necklace Mousier will be happy because they are very wealthy. It will change their lives because they were poor in the beginning, and now they are rich. Madame Forestier will be sorry and will give Mathilde some of her jewelry to Mathilde. Mathilde will forgive her and they will be friends again. Then Mathilde can share some of the wealth with her both of them can be very happy. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ After Mathilde realize the necklace is a fake she will be furious with Forestier. She will be furious because the ten years she worked it took away her beauty. Now she is old and crabby. She will miss her admirers because of her beauty. She will also demand both of the necklace because she worked hard for it. Since she already paid for it she will need it. Since she has both necklaces she will sell both of them and get really wealthy. She will buy dresses, and jewelry so she can restore her beauty. So the people can admire her once more as they did in the ball.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and that the correct spelling of chosen words is checked. The writer should also check for subject-verb agreement and noun-pronoun agreement. (“ After Mathilde realize the necklace is a fake she will be furious with Forestier. She will be furious because the ten years she worked it took away her beauty. Now she is old and crabby. She will miss her admirers because of her beauty. She will also demand both of the necklace because she worked hard for it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Necklace

"Yours was only an imitation of the real thing", said Mathidle. "Yes", said Madame Forester. "I have worked ten long hard years to pay off that necklace and it was only worth 500 francs", said Mathilde! "I'm truly sorry that you had to do all of that hard work for me", said Madame. "Do you think I could have it back and give you the money I owe you for your necklace", asked Mathilde? "Of course I will give it back to you because of all that hard work you went though to pay for it", replied Madame Forester.

She rushed home to go fine her husband after the good news about the necklace!" I was after just talking to Madame and she said she would be glad to give the necklace back once she finds", said Madame. So, when we get the necklace back we can live comfortably again and pay her back 500 francs", replied Mr. Loisel. "Yes, I hope she can find the necklace soon", said Mathidle. The next morning Madame found the necklace in on of her old jewelry boxes. 'I'm going to bring this to Mathidle right now she is going to be so excited ad overjoyed when she sees that I have the necklace", replied Madame Forester.

"You, found it", said Mathidle? "Yes, I found it in one of my old Jewelry boxes", said Madame Forester." I will go and sell the necklace and give you the money I owe you right away!" said Madame. When they sold it, and everyone got there money. They were so happy." We can all live comfortably how and not worry about money so much", said Madame Forester, So they all lived with no worries about money anymore.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. In order to create meaning, the readers must rely on subtle cues in the dialogue that refer to previous plot events. (“‘Yours was only an imitation of the real thing’, said Mathidle. ‘Yes’, said Madame Forester. ‘I have worked ten long hard years to pay off that necklace and it was only worth 500 francs’, said Mathilde! ‘I'm truly sorry that you had to do all of that hard work for me’, said Madame.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. Through Mathilde’s conversation with Madame Forestier, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“‘Do you think I could have it back and give you the money I owe you for your necklace’, asked Mathilde? ‘Of course I will give it back to you because of all that hard work you went though to pay for it’, replied Madame Forester.”)

The writer uses limited details that relate the theme of the new ending to events in the original story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“She rushed home to go fine her husband after the good news about the necklace!’ I was after just talking to Madame and she said she would be glad to give the necklace back once she finds’, said Madame. So, when we get the necklace back we can live comfortably again and pay her back 500 francs’, replied Mr. Loisel. ‘Yes, I hope she can find the necklace soon’, said Mathidle.”)

Content & Development

The writer’s use of content and development of ideas is limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The next morning Madame found the necklace in on of her old jewelry boxes. 'I'm going to bring this to Mathidle right now she is going to be so excited ad overjoyed when she sees that I have the necklace’, replied Madame Forester.”)

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“‘You, found it’, said Mathidle? ‘Yes, I found it in one of my old Jewelry boxes’, said Madame Forester.’ I will go and sell the necklace and give you the money I owe you right away!’said Madame. When they sold it, and everyone got there money.”)

The writer does not include specific or relevant points that explain and illustrate ways that Mathilde Loisel ’s life has changed. (“When they sold it, and everyone got there money. They were so happy.’We can all live comfortably how and not worry about money so much’, said Madame Forester, So they all lived with no worries about money anymore.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. There is evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction of the essay by beginning with dialogue. (“ ‘Yours was only an imitation of the real thing’, said Mathidle. ‘Yes’, said Madame Forester. ‘I have worked ten long hard years to pay off that necklace and it was only worth 500 francs’, said Mathilde! ‘I'm truly sorry that you had to do all of that hard work for me’, said Madame. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The next morning Madame found the necklace in on of her old jewelry boxes. 'I'm going to bring this to Mathidle right now she is going to be so excited ad overjoyed when she sees that I have the necklace’, replied Madame Forester. ”) Using transitional devices (in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

Although the conclusion provides a sense of closure, it does not give the readers something to reflect on relating to the theme of the story. (“ When they sold it, and everyone got there money. They were so happy.’ We can all live comfortably how and not worry about money so much’, said Madame Forester, So they all lived with no worries about money anymore. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language and style. There is simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The next morning Madame found the necklace in on of her old jewelry boxes. 'I'm going to bring this to Mathidle right now she is going to be so excited ad overjoyed when she sees that I have the necklace’, replied Madame Forester. ”)

Although the writer creates a tone of surprise for Mathilde’s character in the beginning , he/she does not maintain enough focus on the characters’ emotional reactions to the events in the story. (“‘ Do you think I could have it back and give you the money I owe you for your necklace’, asked Mathilde? ‘Of course I will give it back to you because of all that hard work you went though to pay for it’, replied Madame Forester. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ When they sold it, and everyone got there money. They were so happy.’ We can all live comfortably how and not worry about money so much’, said Madame Forester, So they all lived with no worries about money anymore.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action) and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ She rushed home to go fine her husband after the good news about the necklace!’ I was after just talking to Madame and she said she would be glad to give the necklace back once she finds’, said Madame. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

After one of her good friends had tolled her that it was an imitation she must have felt like an idiot but she had worked ten long hard years non stop to repay the necklaces and the people they had borrowed money from. I think she had realized the next time she loses something she will tell them. Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time. I think that she may never lose anything that is not her's or that she has of her own especially that necklace. I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again. Her and her husband and her kid are living the life taking trips to places they though that they would never go to. Her husband and her would go out a nd eat at nice places.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the loss and replacement of something; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“After one of her good friends had tolled her that it was an imitation she must have felt like an idiot but she had worked ten long hard years non stop to repay the necklaces and the people they had borrowed money from. I think she had realized the next time she loses something she will tell them. Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Readers need additional information to understand the plot. (“I think that she may never lose anything that is not her's or that she has of her own especially that necklace. I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ Her and her husband and her kid are living the life taking trips to places they though that they would never go to. Her husband and her would go out a nd eat at nice places.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when Mathilde loses her friend’s necklace, but the essay falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“After one of her good friends had tolled her that it was an imitation she must have felt like an idiot but she had worked ten long hard years non stop to repay the necklaces and the people they had borrowed money from. I think she had realized the next time she loses something she will tell them.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time. I think that she may never lose anything that is not her's or that she has of her own especially that necklace.”)

Due to the brevity of this essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again. Her and her husband and her kid are living the life taking trips to places they though that they would never go to. Her husband and her would go out a nd eat at nice places.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“After one of her good friends had tolled her that it was an imitation she must have felt like an idiot but she had worked ten long hard years non stop to repay the necklaces and the people they had borrowed money from.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that describe conflicts in the story and events that demonstrate a new ending. Also, few transitions are included between sentences. (“Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time. I think that she may never lose anything that is not her's or that she has of her own especially that necklace. I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again. Her and her husband and her kid are living the life taking trips to places they though that they would never go to. Her husband and her would go out a nd eat at nice places.”)

Although the ending of the essay refers to a lesson learned, it does not include a strong conclusion or leave readers with something to think about. (“ I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again. Her and her husband and her kid are living the life taking trips to places they though that they would never go to. Her husband and her would go out a nd eat at nice places. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ After one of her good friends had tolled her that it was an imitation she must have felt like an idiot but she had worked ten long hard years non stop to repay the necklaces and the people they had borrowed money from.”)

There is repetition. (“ I think that she may never lose anything that is not her's or that she has of her own especially that necklace. I think she had leaned from her mistakes and that she will never do it again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Before she try to get them another replacement I think that her friend know would let her have the necklace becasue she had worked for that for a long time. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Monsieur Loisel get a letter with to trictet a fancy party he buy a dress for 600 for Madame Loisel for the bail but Mathilde said she can go because she dose from a friend she borrow from Forestier and went to the bail then left friend necklace the one like it 36,000 francs they buy it the find out that it was only 500 francs.

Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace. Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress. Atfer she dose that she well save the last of the money for emergency.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine which events the writer is conveying from the literary text and which ones extend the story’s ending. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Monsieur Loisel get a letter with to trictet a fancy party he buy a dress for 600 for Madame Loisel for the bail but Mathilde said she can go because she dose from a friend she borrow from Forestier and went to the bail then left friend necklace the one like it 36,000 francs they buy it the find out that it was only 500 francs.”)

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer attempts to address the issue of the necklace mix-up but is unclear in relating the sequence of events. (“Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace. Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress. Atfer she dose that she well save the last of the money for emergency.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling confused. (“Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Monsieur Loisel get a letter with to trictet a fancy party he buy a dress for 600 for Madame Loisel for the bail but Mathilde said she can go because she dose from a friend she borrow from Forestier and went to the bail then left friend necklace the one like it 36,000 francs they buy it the find out that it was only 500 francs.”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace.”)

The writer does not develop the story’s new ending with adequate details. (“Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress. Atfer she dose that she well save the last of the money for emergency.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Monsieur Loisel get a letter with to trictet a fancy party he buy a dress for 600 for Madame Loisel for the bail but Mathilde said she can go because she dose from a friend she borrow from Forestier and went to the bail then left friend necklace the one like it 36,000 francs they buy it the find out that it was only 500 francs.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Atfer she dose that she well save the last of the money for emergency.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Monsieur Loisel get a letter with to trictet a fancy party he buy a dress for 600 for Madame Loisel for the bail but Mathilde said she can go because she dose from a friend she borrow from Forestier and went to the bail then left friend necklace the one like it 36,000 francs they buy it the find out that it was only 500 francs.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace. Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Atfer she dose that she well save the last of the money for emergency.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Is that she (mathilde Loiel) will get the necklace and sell it for 36,000 francs Well give 500 of the francs to her friend jeanne forestier to pay back the necklace. Well give 1000 of the francs to her husdent because he gave up hes save money for her dress.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Characters Respond to Challenges Differently

Characters respond to challenges differently based upon the circumstances and their own personal motivations, strengths, and weaknesses. Consider two different characters from a story (or stories) you have read. What challenges did these characters face? How did they respond to these challenges?

In a well-developed essay, compare and contrast how these two characters responded to the challenges they faced. Make sure to include specific details and examples from the text(s) to support your interpretation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two heroic characters make their marks as they begin their journey. Although they may be from a different era and may have faced completely different challenges, Sam Meeker, from My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier, and Harriet Tubman, from the excerpt by Ann Petry in the Holt Literature and Language Arts textbook, are actually quite similar. Sam Meeker is a young man who goes to fight in the Revolution War. He faces many challenges and his only thought is independence. Harriet Tubman is a woman who secretly rescues slaves and sets them free. They both had to make decisions that were risky and they fought for what they believed in, they both could have taken shortcuts somewhere along the journey, or quit, but they did not, they did what they believed was right. All in all, they had to face challenges, challenges that could have resulted in something they did not expect.

Sam Meeker and Harriet Tubman both had to make decisions. These decisions were completely different but in a way, Harriet Tubman and Sam Meeker made choices and reacted to the current situation in a similar way. Harriet Tubman had to make choices that could have affected twelve other slaves' lives. When a man said that he had, had enough and that he wanted to go back home, Harriet Tubman made a decision to prevent the other slaves from getting caught; she pulled out a gun and threatened the man, "Go on with us or die." This was a hard decision that Harriet had to make because the man could have said "Go on, shoot me" and Harriet would have been forced to kill a man. Similarly Sam had to make the decision of stealing the Brown Bess from his father, for the war, or going to war without a weapon. He said to his brother, "If I don't have the gun, some Lobsterback will kill me." This was a risky decision to make because it could have turned out simple, or it could not have. Even though one decision ended up causing something minor and the other did not, they were both similar because they were risky decisions that could have hurt others.

Both Sam and Harriet fought for what they believed; knowing the risks and possible out comes. Harriet Tubman wanted to free slaves, and she wanted to help them as much as she could; she helped many of them escape to Canada . She did all this knowing the risk of getting caught by an officer and being hanged. "If they were caught, she would be hanged." Sam also had to face an equally difficult task while fighting for what he believed in. Sam believed the colonies needed to break away from Britain , and he fought for independence knowing the many risks. "Sir, its worth dying to be free." Some of many risks were being killed in a battle field, hanged by an officer and dying from thirst or hunger. Their tasks where completely different but they were the same when you think of the fact that they fought for what they believed was right.

Harriet Tubman and Sam Meeker find many opportunities where they could have taken shortcuts by quitting their journey. They both decided not to quit their journeys, because they thought it was not right. Harriet Tubman could have at any time in her journey abandoned the slaves. Also, she could have at the end of the journey decided that she would never rescue another slave, but she did not, she rescued many more slaves after the journey. "The journey had taken nearly a month to complete." Sam Meeker was given many opportunities to abandon his fellow militia and he could have returned home at any period of time in the war; but he stayed in it until the end. He told his mother, "We've made a promise, a group of us, not quit until the Redcoats are beaten." This quote shows how determined Sam was to make America independent. They both ended their journeys without shortcuts even though it was more difficult.

These two heroic characters really placed their mark. They were completely different, but still the same. They both had to make decisions; they both also fought for what they believed in and did not take short cuts by quitting their journey. Sam only wished to be independent from Great Britain and did everything he could to gain independence, he was not scared of death, just like Harriet. Harriet used all of her energy to rescue slaves, because she believed they should be treated equal. With all things considered there were not too many differences between these two characters. These two characters, Sam Meeker and Harriet Tubman thought in the same way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea, which also clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“ Two heroic characters make their marks as they begin their journey. Although they may be from a different era and may have faced completely different challenges, Sam Meeker, from My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier, and Harriet Tubman, from the excerpt by Ann Petry in the Holt Literature and Language Arts textbook, are actually quite similar.”) Through this focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate an understanding of the compare/contrast nature of this task. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the two characters is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The author clearly explains how these two characters from separate eras are more similar than different. (“They both had to make decisions that were risky and they fought for what they believed in, they both could have taken shortcuts somewhere along the journey, or quit, but they did not, they did what they believed was right. All in all, they had to face challenges, challenges that could have resulted in something they did not expect.”) The student goes beyond superficial interpretation to an in-depth analysis using support from the text. (“Harriet Tubman wanted to free slaves, and she wanted to help them as much as she could; she helped many of them escape to Canada . She did all this knowing the risk of getting caught by an officer and being hanged. ‘If they were caught, she would be hanged.’ Sam also had to face an equally difficult task while fighting for what he believed in. Sam believed the colonies needed to break away from Britain , and he fought for independence knowing the many risks. ‘Sir, its worth dying to be free.’”)

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed. It immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“Two heroic characters make their marks as they begin their journey.”) and proceeds to develop a well-structured and focused thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a strong, intriguing topic sentence. (“Both Sam and Harriet fought for what they believed; knowing the risks and possible out comes.”) The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s main ideas regarding how these characters compare. (“They both had to make decisions; they both also fought for what they believed in and did not take short cuts by quitting their journey.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“Sam Meeker was given many opportunities to abandon his fellow militia and he could have returned home at any period of time in the war; but he stayed in it until the end.”) Sentences are also well structured and varied. (“When a man said that he had, had enough and that he wanted to go back home, Harriet Tubman made a decision to prevent the other slaves from getting caught; she pulled out a gun and threatened the man, ‘Go on with us or die.’”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard written English. Few, if any, errors in mechanics, punctuation or spelling are evident.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

People react in different ways to certain circumstances; yet, they get through them in some way. Within two different stories two boys are faced with the same problem, yet do completely different things to cope with them. In the stories My Brother Sam Is Dead and The Giver the two main characters have the same problem, they have to cope with the idea of becoming a man at a much younger age then other boys do. These boys from completley different worlds, Tim, (My Brother Sam Is Dead), from the beginnings of the Revolutionary War, and Jonas, (The Giver), a boy of twelve who lives in the ultimate Utopian Society, do everything they can and succeed even if it is in different ways.

In My Brother Sam Is Dead, Tim has to take care of the farm, tend to the chickens, do all of the necessary work that a boy during the Revolutionary War has to deal with. Tim understands and cares for his responsibility until the final day when his father was kidnapped and killed and his brother leaves home to join the war against Britain . Tim now has to take the responsibility that he had never faced before. He now knows the real responsibility of becoming a man.

In the book The Giver, the main character Jonas, also has to deal with the welcoming of manhood at an unexpected expense. In the community Jonas lives in when a child turns the age of twelve he/she is considered an adult and then moves on to receive their assignment. But Jonas doesn't receive the jobs that most twelve year olds receive. Jonas receives a job with great honor, but great responsibility. Jonas goes from carefree child to Receiver of Memory in the quickest time possible, and Jonas has to accept everything that comes a long with it even if it does mean grave news for himself.

With both these books Tim and Jonas deal with their problems in seperate ways and cope with the responsibilities that follow. In My Brother Sam Is Dead, Tim confronts the problem by taking on the responsibilities properly. He helps his mother, continues with the chores, and takes on the duties that his dead father and war-fighting brother left behind. However, in The Giver, Jonas leaves the home he grew up in his whole life and the only place he knew of. He leaves the community to find a better place for himself, knowing that he could never grow to live in a home like the one he left.

By these challenges the characters of both of the stories come to the conclusion of realizing that they can go on with their lives, they both start with the same problem, and end with a solution that helps their lives go on. The sudden realization of the extreme responsibilities. Jonas, from The Giver, and Tim from My Brother Sam Is Dead go through the challenges within their motivations and all their strengths, and overcoming all obstacles.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong argument regarding the two principal characters and how they respond to challenges. (In My Brother Sam Is Dead, Tim confronts the problem by taking on the responsibilities properly. He helps his mother, continues with the chores, and takes on the duties that his dead father and war-fighting brother left behind. However, in The Giver, Jonas leaves the home he grew up in his whole life and the only place he knew of. He leaves the community to find a better place for himself, knowing that he could never grow to live in a home like the one he left.”) This writer uses direct support from the text to reinforce the central idea of the essay. Overall, the writer’s focused argument allows the reader to remain engaged throughout the course of the entire essay. This essay exhibits a strong argument, textual support, and a logical progression of ideas.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative and descriptive. The author clearly introduces ideas using specific, accurate evidence and detailed concepts. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to create a strong connection between the two chosen characters and their responses. (“By these challenges the characters of both of the stories come to the conclusion of realizing that they can go on with their lives, they both start with the same problem, and end with a solution that helps their lives go on.”) Overall, the writer does a good job of establishing his/her argument. He/she then develops this argument with a sizeable amount of textual support and original ideas that engage the reader.

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines his/her argument concerning the two principal characters and how they respond to challenges. The essay has a cohesive, unified structure that is evidenced by a well-developed opening paragraph and conclusion. (“Within two different stories two boys are faced with the same problem, yet do completely different things to cope with them. In the stories My Brother Sam Is Dead and The Giver the two main characters have the same problem, they have to cope with the idea of becoming a man at a much younger age then other boys do.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. The structure of the essay remains cohesive. Overall, this essay is well-organized; it exhibits a strong use of detail, textual support and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The author analyzes the two chosen characters, and he/she chooses words that hold the reader’s interest. (“People react in different ways to certain circumstances; yet, they get through them in some way. Within two different stories two boys are faced with the same problem, yet do completely different things to cope with them.”) The writer’s voice is apparent and engaging throughout the essay. The essay’s sentences use correct structure and show variety. Overall, the writer’s voice and use of language are apparent and manage to proficiently convey the writer’s argument.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“These boys from completley different worlds”) may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This paper is comparing the differences between Ismene and Antigone when reacting to problems from the play, Antigone by Sophcles. Antigone and Ismene were sisters, but they had very different opinions. Antigone did what she felt was right no matter what anyone said or no matter what could happen to her. Ismene did what she was told because she didn't want to get hurt or in trouble. Many problems occurred between them because of the death of their two brothers, Polynice and Eteoces.

One major challenge both Antigone and Ismene faced was whether they should bury their brother, Polynices. Both brothers died when they fought each other. Their Uncle, Creon who was the king, ordered no one to bury Polynices because he fought their city, but he allowed Eteoces to be buried because he was fighting for their city. Antigone thought it was important that she gave her brother, Polynices a proper burial. She didn't care if she died for it. She said, "I know my duty, where true duty lies." She wanted to be faithful to her brother no matter what the consequences were. Ismene didn't want to bury her brother against the king's orders. She said to Antigone, "O think, Antigone; We are women; It is not for us to fight against men; Our rulers are stronger than we, and we must obey in this, or in worse than this. May the dead forgive me, I can do no other but as I am commanded, to do more is madness".

When Antigone buried her brother, the king thought her sister had helped when she had not.Ismene told the king she had helped to make her sister feel better. She wanted to help out her sister and protect her. She wanted to die if her sister died. "How can I bear to live, if you must die?", she said to Antigone. Antigone felt that only she should die out of respect for her brother and also to protect her sister. She said, "You chose; Life was your choice, when mine was death."

Those are some of the differences between the two sisters and how they responded in different situations. Even though they were sisters, their mindset about rules and authority was very different.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis and understanding of the text. The author develops a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer does establish an analysis of how the two characters respond to challenges, but the amount of support he/she uses is insufficient. (“Antigone thought it was important that she gave her brother, Polynices a proper burial. She didn't care if she died for it. She said, "I know my duty, where true duty lies." She wanted to be faithful to her brother no matter what the consequences were.”) Many of the connections between the two principal characters are implied instead of being clearly explained. Overall, the writer’s argument is adequately engaging, and the ideas are structured throughout the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. The author introduces ideas using some specific, accurate evidence and textual references. (“One major challenge both Antigone and Ismene faced was whether they should bury their brother, Polynices. Both brothers died when they fought each other.”) The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to adequately develop comparisons between the two chosen characters; these comparisons are then reinforced in the supporting and closing paragraphs. The amount of support may be insufficient, but it still manages to engage the reader with a basic understanding of the given task. Overall, the writer does an adequate job of establishing his/her argument. He/she then develops the argument with some amount of textual support.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. In a generic manner, the writer establishes both characters and their responses in the introductory paragraph. (“This paper is comparing the differences between Ismene and Antigone when reacting to problems from the play, Antigone by Sophcles. Antigone and Ismene were sisters, but they had very different opinions.”) This writer’s argument is supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent but occasionally lack consistency. The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive; it features an introduction, conclusion, and a fair use of transitional devices. Overall, the essay is adequately organized for the given task, but it lacks the detail, support, and clear use of transitional devices needed to be considered proficient.

Language Use & Style

The author shows a basic understanding of how to use language to communicate with the intended audience. The writer’s voice is apparent throughout the essay, yet it only manages to engage the reader in a general fashion. Most word choice is adequate and appropriate. This writer’s sentences use correct structure and show some variety, but some run-ons are discernable. Overall, the writer’s voice and use of language are apparent but only manage to convey the writer’s argument in a generic style. (“Antigone and Ismene were sisters, but they had very different opinions. Antigone did what she felt was right no matter what anyone said or no matter what could happen to her. Ismene did what she was told because she didn't want to get hurt or in trouble.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. A few errors in grammar (“Antigone did what she felt was right no matter what anyone said or no matter what could happen to her”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS

Do you know in every book there is a main character and each character has a problem either an internal or an external conflict,like the book Holes and the Hatchet the two main character's face a internal or a external conflict. A conflict can be either be a plane crash or a cures like in the book Holes

My 1st character has a internal and a external conflict because he faces lot of difficulties with a cures on his family. My character's name is Stanley and I also think my chacter is a static character because he does not change over the story. I choose this character because he makes an effort to survive and think about his friend who ran away from the same camp he was at.

There are many conflicts with the story Hatchet the first conflict was that he had to forget his dad who died in a plane crash with the boy in the plane . The little boy survived he is now trying to survive he followed a river that lead him to a tree full of berries. This chacter is a external chacter because he changes thought out the story in many ways like he gets is dad off his mind and he also made him self shelter , he also made an effort to find food.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“Do you know in every book there is a main character and each character has a problem either an internal or an external conflict,like the book Holes and the Hatchet the two main character's face a internal or a external conflict”), but it is not fully developed. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the characters’ challenges. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“There are many conflicts with the story Hatchet the first conflict was that he had to forget his dad who died in a plane crash with the boy in the plane.”), but they lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that signify the challenges these characters face, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“My 1st character has a internal and a external conflict because he faces lot of difficulties with a cures on his family.”) In the third paragraph, the author once again states a brief connection but does not attempt to further develop it. (“This chacter is a external chacter because he changes thought out the story in many ways like he gets is dad off his mind and he also made him self shelter , he also made an effort to find food.”)

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it is underdeveloped. Two paragraphs make up the body of this composition, but no connections are made between characters in a third body paragraph. This essay also lacks a conclusion to summarize the main points.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. The sentence structure is adequate for the task, although many sentences are run-ons. (“Do you know in every book there is a main character and each character has a problem either an internal or an external conflict,like the book Holes and the Hatchet the two main character's face a internal or a external conflict.”) Overall, language use and style are limited and insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“cures”), grammar (“My 1st character has a internal and a external conflict because he faces lot of difficulties with a cures on his family”), and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Flowers for Algernon

The book Flowers for Algernon is about a mentally retarded man who has the mind of a little boy. The boys name is Charlie, he has a teacher named mrs. Kinnian gives Charlie special tests like the rockashaw witch is a shadow test. The mouse's name is Algernon.

Charlie Gordon is mentally retarded he likes his teacher mrs. Kinnian and takes her on a date to a lake and they went to eat at a restaurant. Since Charlie has the mind of a 7 year old he does what seven year olds like to do for example play on the seesaw.Everyday Charlie writes in his journal, he makes a lot of grammatical mistakes, but day by day he gets better. Algernon is Charlies freind who

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“The book Flowers for Algernon is about a mentally retarded man who has the mind of a little boy.”), but it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to make any meaningful connections between two contrasting characters.This shows that the writer has a poor understanding of the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author simply discusses the details of one character, but fails to make a connection to the opposing character, Algernon. There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The two simple body paragraphs lack focus and therefore no organizational pattern is evident. (“The book Flowers for Algernon is about a mentally retarded man who has the mind of a little boy. The boys name is Charlie, he has a teacher named mrs. Kinnian gives Charlie special tests like the rockashaw witch is a shadow test.”) This essay lacks an introduction, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre language to address his/her audience. (“Charlie is compared with a mouse to see who is smarter, Charlie is really an adult but has the mind of a 7 year old boy.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate. (“Everyday Charlie writes in his journal, he makes a lot of grammatical mistakes, but day by day he gets better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are noticeable in this essay. Problems with punctuation, grammar, and mechanics detract from the meaning of this response. (“Charlie Gordon is mentally retarded he likes his teacher mrs. Kinnian and takes her on a date to a lake and they went to eat at a restaurant.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Flowers for Algernon is a story about a man named Charlie Gordon who is mentaly retarded. He has two doctors that do operations on him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this two-sentence response, the author fails to establish a controlling idea. The author has no understanding of the purpose or the audience and therefore completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author cites only one example from the text for support. (“He has two doctors that do operations on him.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a two-sentence response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. It does, however, show no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this minimal response, it is impossible to determine whether or not the student has control over the conventions of standard written English.

Choices Made in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry

Mildred D. Taylor's Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry is considered a rite of passage novel. It traces the social development, growth, and maturity of its main characters: Cassie, Stacey, and T.J. Each character has specific personality traits and makes choices that send him or her down the “road” of life.

Compose a multi-paragraph essay in which you analyze the lessons that Cassie, Stacey, and T.J. have to learn. Consider the consequences of their value systems, their choices, and how they respond to their experiences.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mildred D. Taylor portrays vivid characters that you are not likely to forget through her charcoal words on snow white pages in her irreplaceable novel, "Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry". The Logan's, an African American close-knit family are struggling to fight for their civil rights and equality in their small town in Mississippi during the 1930s. In the midst of the Great Depression, Cassie Logan, Stacey Logan, and T.J. Avery grow up in a society of discrimination and segregation and had to learn why things were the way they were early on, almost losing their hope that was once rightfully theirs. However, they will each find the strength to stand back up and pick up all the shattered pieces of a world that they knew, but understood wasn't equal to what they wanted. Cassie, T.J., and Stacey, each have their own distinct differences and personalities as they find themselves having to make decisions of the heart, leading them done their own path of destiny.

T.J. traveled down a road of bumps and sharp turns, almost losing sight of the light that would lead him ahead. He got lost more times than you can count on your fingers and his light almost went out on that fateful day of thunder. Throughout the whole story, T.J. is a foolish and reckless adolescent and appears to have it all together, but inside he is the one that is close to falling apart. To get what he wants, T. J. sacrificed the meaning of true friendship, which self-destructed him in the end. He says, "Got me better friends than y'all! They give me things and treat me like I'm a man and .and they white too" T.J. chose R.W. and Melvin Simmes over the Logan children as his "real" friends and the people he could confide in most. Only because he wanted the attention he thought he deserved, but couldn't get anymore once the Logan's stopped talking to him for another one of his impulsive moves. He fired back by going to the Simmes brothers as if he could prove that he could go on without the Logan children like they had gone on without him. He couldn't differentiate what real friendship was and had to accept the consequences that came because of his actions. T.J. is a static character because even though he learned his lessons from his current mistakes that doesn't mean he has changed at all.

Stacey learned early on what it took to survive in the world he was growing up in. He was raised up and set straight by his Ma and Papa, who were his leading examples, which guided him through his adolescence. Since Stacey was the eldest of the Logan family, he became the role model for his younger siblings to follow in, but he often got himself in deep trouble. For instance, Papa specifically told the Logan children not to go down to the Wallace Store because it just wasn't worth getting mixed up with the wrong sorts of people. However, when a fight breaks out between T.J. and Stacey, they both end up in trouble's arms and at the Wallace Store bearing fists. When Mr. Morrison catches them, he gave Stacey a choice to make that reflected on his character and morals. Mr. Morrison says, "I ain't gonna tell her. 'Cause I'm leaving it up to you to tell her." Most children wouldn't want to let their parents know that they had disobeyed them, much less tell them themselves, but Stacey had already made his decision. He was going to tell Ma; not because he didn't want her to hear it from someone else, or because he was the "goodie-two-shoes" of the family. Stacey understood that it was important for others to know the truth and he knew that lies would get him nowhere, but the bottom. Stacey is a dynamic character because he matured greatly and learned how to own up to his mistakes; cutting them before they could grow anymore.

Cassie had to grow up fast during the Great Depression and come to the realization that the world she was living in was not the image she once believed it to be. Her first contact with the bittersweet truth was on the first day of school when the news that they would get "new" books that year dispersed and circulated the air. Behind the appearance of generosity from the school board was the ugliness of the inside covers of the books that no one had tried to cover up. However, "Little Man", Cassie's brother saw and stood up in disgust, throwing the book to the ground with the hurt of pride staining his eyes. This prompts Miss. Crocker to begin to lecture "Little Man" and threaten him with the switch when she is oblivious to the reason for his rash actions. "A knot of anger swelled in my throat and held there .They give us these ole books when they didn't want 'em no more." Anger and confusion washes over Cassie, but her actions finalize what she wanted to do from the bottom of her heart. She stood up for her brother and herself because of her pride and the fact that she would do anything for her family members. Another incident was at Strawberry, when Cassie accidentally walked into Lillian Jean Simmes and was forced to apologize, which sent her home in tears. Then, Ma explains, "Because that's the way of things, Cassie." Cassie is a dynamic character because she learns to accept things that cannot be changed in a day's time and knows not to give up in trying times, but look at the future with bright, shining eyes.

Even though life gave Cassie, T.J., and Stacey difficult times to cope with, they find the strength to pick up their feet and continue to walk down their own path of life. Decisions that tested their morals and toyed with their hearts brought them all closer to who they were going to become. In the end, they all learned something from their experience of life that will carry them like a boat that finally lands at a safe harbor.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Cassie, T.J., and Stacey, each have their own distinct differences and personalities as they find themselves having to make decisions of the heart, leading them done their own path of destiny.”)

The essay response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“T.J. traveled down a road of bumps and sharp turns, almost losing sight of the light that would lead him ahead. He got lost more times than you can count on your fingers and his light almost went out on that fateful day of thunder. Throughout the whole story, T.J. is a foolish and reckless adolescent and appears to have it all together, but inside he is the one that is close to falling apart. To get what he wants, T. J. sacrificed the meaning of true friendship, which self-destructed him in the end.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Stacey learned early on what it took to survive in the world he was growing up in. He was raised up and set straight by his Ma and Papa, who were his leading examples, that guided him through his adolescence. Since Stacey was the eldest of the Logan family, he became the role model for his younger siblings to follow in, but he often got himself in deep trouble. For instance, Papa specifically told the Logan children not to go down to the Wallace Store because it just wasn't worth getting mixed up with the wrong sorts of people.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“To get what he wants, T. J. sacrificed the meaning of true friendship, which self-destructed him in the end. He says, 'Got me better friends than y'all! They give me things and treat me like I'm a man and .and they white too' T.J. chose R.W. and Melvin Simmes over the Logan children as his 'real' friends and the people he could confide in most.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Cassie had to grow up fast during the Great Depression and come to the realization that the world she was living in was not the image she once believed it to be. Her first contact with the bittersweet truth was on the first day of school when the news that they would get 'new' books that year dispersed and circulated the air. Behind the appearance of generosity from the school board was the ugliness of the inside covers of the books that no one had tried to cover up. However, 'Little Man', Cassie's brother saw and stood up in disgust, throwing the book to the ground with the hurt of pride staining his eyes. This prompts Miss. Crocker to begin to lecture 'Little Man' and threaten him with the switch when she is oblivious to the reason for his rash actions. 'A knot of anger swelled in my throat and held there .They give us these ole books when they didn't want 'em no more.' Anger and confusion washes over Cassie, but her actions finalize what she wanted to do from the bottom of her heart. She stood up for her brother and herself because of her pride and the fact that she would do anything for her family members.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“However, when a fight breaks out between T.J. and Stacey, they both end up in trouble's arms and at the Wallace Store bearing fists. When Mr. Morrison catches them, he gave Stacey a choice to make that reflected on his character and morals. Mr. Morrison says, 'I ain't gonna tell her. 'Cause I'm leaving it up to you to tell her.' Most children wouldn't want to let their parents know that they had disobeyed them, much less tell them themselves, but Stacey had already made his decision.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the setting and characters in Mildred D. Taylor's novel Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry . (“ Mildred D. Taylor portrays vivid characters that you are not likely to forget through her charcoal words on snow white pages in her irreplaceable novel, 'Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry'. The Logan's, an African American close-knit family are struggling to fight for their civil rights and equality in their small town in Mississippi during the 1930s. In the midst of the Great Depression, Cassie Logan, Stacey Logan, and T.J. Avery grow up in a society of discrimination and segregation and had to learn why things were the way they were early on, almost losing their hope that was once rightfully theirs. However, they will each find the strength to stand back up and pick up all the shattered pieces of a world that they knew, but understood wasn't equal to what they wanted. Cassie, T.J., and Stacey, each have their own distinct differences and personalities as they find themselves having to make decisions of the heart, leading them done their own path of destiny.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Then, Ma explains, 'Because that's the way of things, Cassie.' Cassie is a dynamic character because she learns to accept things that cannot be changed in a day's time and knows not to give up in trying times, but look at the future with bright, shining eyes…Even though life gave Cassie, T.J., and Stacey difficult times to cope with, they find the strength to pick up their feet and continue to walk down their own path of life. Decisions that tested their morals and toyed with their hearts brought them all closer to who they were going to become.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Even though life gave Cassie, T.J., and Stacey difficult times to cope with, they find the strength to pick up their feet and continue to walk down their own path of life. Decisions that tested their morals and toyed with their hearts brought them all closer to who they were going to become. In the end, they all learned something from their experience of life that will carry them like a boat that finally lands at a safe harbor.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that the main characters experience in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry . (“ Cassie had to grow up fast during the Great Depression and come to the realization that the world she was living in was not the image she once believed it to be. Her first contact with the bittersweet truth was on the first day of school when the news that they would get "new" books that year dispersed and circulated the air.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the story for the readers so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand the many choices that the main characters made in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry that lead them down the "road" of life. (“ T.J. traveled down a road of bumps and sharp turns, almost losing sight of the light that would lead him ahead. He got lost more times than you can count on your fingers and his light almost went out on that fateful day of thunder. Throughout the whole story, T.J. is a foolish and reckless adolescent and appears to have it all together, but inside he is the one that is close to falling apart. To get what he wants, T. J. sacrificed the meaning of true friendship, which self-destructed him in the end.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Stacey understood that it was important for others to know the truth and he knew that lies would get him nowhere, but the bottom. Stacey is a dynamic character because he matured greatly and learned how to own up to his mistakes; cutting them before they could grow anymore.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Even though life gave Cassie, T.J., and Stacey difficult times to cope with, they find the strength to pick up their feet and continue to walk down their own path of life. Decisions that tested their morals and toyed with their hearts brought them all closer to who they were going to become.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Lessons that are forcefully taught are sometimes not well received. When a person sits in class and listens to a dry ranting, they're not going to pick up much unless they've taken notes and are really, really listening. In life we don't get to take notes. When you learn something new in life you don't always notice. It's just this new piece of information in the back of your brain that can be useful. Then there are other life lessons. Some life lessons hit you hard and tell you straight out what you need to do, even if you don't really want to.

Cassie Logan, the main character and narrator of the novel, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, learns many lessons. As a young girl of nine years old, Cassie is slowly starting to realize the inequality and unfairness of everything around her. Loyalty and friendship isn't always enough to save someone, and sometimes it doesn't do a thing, even though Cassie has a lot of it. She's a warm and friendly girl to everyone she loves, like her family and friends, but can be cruel and icy to anyone who steps out of line to either her or her family. The differences that Cassie sees now are mainly color based. The crude terms for her race insult her and she doesn't know why people would want to insult her because of her race. After all, it's just skin. Yet Cassie must learn that because she is not white she can't ride the bus to school; she doesn't get to be served first at a store; and she can't speak to a white girl rudely, no matter what the situation. Something that Cassie is programmed to want because of all the injustice she is finally seeing is revenge. Another lesson accompanies it, though. Cassie only can get limited revenge, however, again because of her race. For the first time ever, Cassie Logan realizes that white people think they're better than blacks because of the shade of skin. But even deeper than that, she sees that one of the main things causing the resentment and anger is the only thing keeping her together: the land her family owns.

Stacey Logan is Cassie's older brother. Insecurely, Stacey cares a lot about what others think of him, even if he doesn't show it. He has to learn throughout the story to not care. When T.J., a friend of Stacey's, says that the coat Stacey's uncle gave him makes him look bad, he unwittingly gives it to T.J. so that he doesn't see him badly. Stacey's understanding of a friendship is also a little rough around the edges. He believes that he and T.J. have been friends for a long time, but he doesn't see that T.J. has been abusing him, taking advantage of him, and overall hurting him. When T.J. gets Stacey's mother fired from her teaching job and turns to boys Stacey can't stand for friendship, Stacey doesn't want anything more to do with him. His lessons throughout the novel leave him changed for the better.

T.J. Avery is a 13 year old boy who has a very high opinion of himself. He wants to matter in a civilization that thinks of him as the lowest of the low. Not only does he like to make himself feel important by flaunting news that others haven't heard, but he acts big around the younger kids, trying to convince them to do things their parents have prohibited. T.J. wants to feel like a white man. Honor and reliability mean nothing to him and as a result, people stop trusting him. He is gullible and easily manipulated as a product of his need to be wanted and he doesn't see that his hurtful actions have caused his own loneliness. T.J. must learn to care. Simply put, he must learn to see clearly what he has done that has caused so much trouble and pain, most of it his own. He is blind to his racial and social status, seeing himself as a gift to everyone.

The lessons that these three characters must learn are vast, but all within their range if they just open their eyes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the important choices that each main character had to make in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry . The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“Cassie Logan, the main character and narrator of the novel, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, learns many lessons. As a young girl of nine years old, Cassie is slowly starting to realize the inequality and unfairness of everything around her. Loyalty and friendship isn't always enough to save someone, and sometimes it doesn't do a thing, even though Cassie has a lot of it. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ When T.J., a friend of Stacey's, says that the coat Stacey's uncle gave him makes him look bad, he unwittingly gives it to T.J. so that he doesn't see him badly. Stacey's understanding of a friendship is also a little rough around the edges. He believes that he and T.J. have been friends for a long time, but he doesn't see that T.J. has been abusing him, taking advantage of him, and overall hurting him. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the choices each character made that led them down the "road" of life. (“ For the first time ever, Cassie Logan realizes that white people think they're better than blacks because of the shade of skin. But even deeper than that, she sees that one of the main things causing the resentment and anger is the only thing keeping her together: the land her family owns. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ He believes that he and T.J. have been friends for a long time, but he doesn't see that T.J. has been abusing him, taking advantage of him, and overall hurting him. When T.J. gets Stacey's mother fired from her teaching job and turns to boys Stacey can't stand for friendship, Stacey doesn't want anything more to do with him. His lessons throughout the novel leave him changed for the better. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“When T.J., a friend of Stacey's, says that the coat Stacey's uncle gave him makes him look bad, he unwittingly gives it to T.J. so that he doesn't see him badly. Stacey's understanding of a friendship is also a little rough around the edges. He believes that he and T.J. have been friends for a long time, but he doesn't see that T.J. has been abusing him, taking advantage of him, and overall hurting him. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“As a young girl of nine years old, Cassie is slowly starting to realize the inequality and unfairness of everything around her. Loyalty and friendship isn't always enough to save someone, and sometimes it doesn't do a thing, even though Cassie has a lot of it. She's a warm and friendly girl to everyone she loves, like her family and friends, but can be cruel and icy to anyone who steps out of line to either her or her family. The differences that Cassie sees now are mainly color based. The crude terms for her race insult her and she doesn't know why people would want to insult her because of her race. After all, it's just skin. Yet Cassie must learn that because she is not white she can't ride the bus to school; she doesn't get to be served first at a store; and she can't speak to a white girl rudely, no matter what the situation.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Lessons that are forcefully taught are sometimes not well received. When a person sits in class and listens to a dry ranting, they're not going to pick up much unless they've taken notes and are really, really listening. In life we don't get to take notes. When you learn something new in life you don't always notice. It's just this new piece of information in the back of your brain that can be useful. Then there are other life lessons. Some life lessons hit you hard and tell you straight out what you need to do, even if you don't really want to. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ For the first time ever, Cassie Logan realizes that white people think they're better than blacks because of the shade of skin. But even deeper than that, she sees that one of the main things causing the resentment and anger is the only thing keeping her together: the land her family owns…Stacey Logan is Cassie's older brother. Insecurely, Stacey cares a lot about what others think of him, even if he doesn't show it. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The lessons that these three characters must learn are vast, but all within their range if they just open their eyes. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ T.J. Avery is a 13 year old boy who has a very high opinion of himself. He wants to matter in a civilization that thinks of him as the lowest of the low. Not only does he like to make himself feel important by flaunting news that others haven't heard, but he acts big around the younger kids, trying to convince them to do things their parents have prohibited. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ T.J. wants to feel like a white man. Honor and reliability mean nothing to him and as a result, people stop trusting him. He is gullible and easily manipulated as a product of his need to be wanted and he doesn't see that his hurtful actions have caused his own loneliness. T.J. must learn to care. Simply put, he must learn to see clearly what he has done that has caused so much trouble and pain, most of it his own. He is blind to his racial and social status, seeing himself as a gift to everyone. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Yet Cassie must learn that because she is not white she can't ride the bus to school; she doesn't get to be served first at a store; and she can't speak to a white girl rudely, no matter what the situation. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Stacey Logan is Cassie's older brother. Insecurely, Stacey cares a lot about what others think of him, even if he doesn't show it. He has to learn throughout the story to not care. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry

Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry is an excellent book that shows boys being forced to change into men for the better cause, and about learning why something happens, or why people do those things. This book sets a perfect example for what real life is like everyday of every year and the choices the characters make.

In the book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, Stacey learns that he has to be strong through everything, and when his father isn't home he is the man of the house. When his mother tells the kids to do something, Stacey is in charge of it actually happening and that he is a roll model to his younger siblings. The choices Stacey makes allow him to be a leader, and that type of leadership shows that he is now a man and not a boy. One of the decisions Stacey makes was to send his younger siblings to go get the help of his father and Mr. Morrison, while he stayed out in danger to see what all the white men did with his friend, T.J.

One of the lessons Cassie has to learn while growing is: there will always be people who think they are better than you. Cassie simply couln't grasp why the caucasian girls and boys were always so mean to the African Americans, she would run and ask her parents why and ask for advice on what to do. One of Cassie's great personality traits is that she never gives up and that she is very patient, an example might be that she planned to get revenge on Miss Lillian Jean, but first had to build a friendship with her enemy. After she got all of her secrets, Cassie beat Lillian Jean in the woods and threatened to tell all of her secrets if she told her dad. Cassie all in all is a strong girl, gradually evolving into a strong, independent, proud woman.

T.J. was a weak-minded boy that absorbed everything people would tell him. His best friend was Stacey, but they would constantly get into brief fights, and when his teacher, Stacey's mother failed him he went down to the Wallace's store and told them that she hates him, the next day she was fired. T.J. then began to hang out with Melvin, and R.W. the Wallace kids and got into much trouble. T.J. had to learn to be around good kids and not bad ones, but it was too late. T.J.'s personality was stubborn and he was a follower.

Many characters in Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry were forced to quickly learn information about life in order to live with out as much difficulty. This book is a perfect demonstration about how life was like for African Americans, they faced many problems like racism and share cropping, and debt. Even though there were many difficulties for them they saw the light and pushed on and fought for education, jobs and rights.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view adequately. (" Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry is an excellent book that shows boys being forced to change into men for the better cause, and about learning why something happens, or why people do those things. This book sets a perfect example for what real life is like everyday of every year and the choices the characters make. ")

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately discusses the three main characters and the choices they made throughout the story. (“ Cassie simply couln't grasp why the caucasian girls and boys were always so mean to the African Americans, she would run and ask her parents why and ask for advice on what to do. One of Cassie's great personality traits is that she never gives up and that she is very patient, an example might be that she planned to get revenge on Miss Lillian Jean, but first had to build a friendship with her enemy. After she got all of her secrets, Cassie beat Lillian Jean in the woods and threatened to tell all of her secrets if she told her dad. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“ In the book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, Stacey learns that he has to be strong through everything, and when his father isn't home he is the man of the house. When his mother tells the kids to do something, Stacey is in charge of it actually happening and that he is a roll model to his younger siblings. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ T.J. was a weak-minded boy that absorbed everything people would tell him. His best friend was Stacey, but they would constantly get into brief fights, and when his teacher, Stacey's mother failed him he went down to the Wallace's store and told them that she hates him, the next day she was fired. T.J. then began to hang out with Melvin, and R.W. the Wallace kids and got into much trouble. ”)

The essay includes brief narratives or explanations about each of the main characters in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry . (“ In the book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, Stacey learns that he has to be strong through everything, and when his father isn't home he is the man of the house. When his mother tells the kids to do something, Stacey is in charge of it actually happening and that he is a roll model to his younger siblings. The choices Stacey makes allow him to be a leader, and that type of leadership shows that he is now a man and not a boy. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ Cassie's great personality traits is that she never gives up and that she is very patient, an example might be that she planned to get revenge on Miss Lillian Jean, but first had to build a friendship with her enemy. After she got all of her secrets, Cassie beat Lillian Jean in the woods and threatened to tell all of her secrets if she told her dad. Cassie all in all is a strong girl, gradually evolving into a strong, independent, proud woman. ”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry is an excellent book that shows boys being forced to change into men for the better cause, and about learning why something happens, or why people do those things. This book sets a perfect example for what real life is like everyday of every year and the choices the characters make. ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ In the book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, Stacey learns that he has to be strong through everything, and when his father isn't home he is the man of the house. When his mother tells the kids to do something, Stacey is in charge of it actually happening and that he is a roll model to his younger siblings. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Many characters in Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry were forced to quickly learn information about life in order to live with out as much difficulty. This book is a perfect demonstration about how life was like for African Americans, they faced many problems like racism and share cropping, and debt. Even though there were many difficulties for them they saw the light and pushed on and fought for education, jobs and rights.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ After she got all of her secrets, Cassie beat Lillian Jean in the woods and threatened to tell all of her secrets if she told her dad. Cassie all in all is a strong girl, gradually evolving into a strong, independent, proud woman. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes about the choices the main characters made in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry . (“ In the book, Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry, Stacey learns that he has to be strong through everything, and when his father isn't home he is the man of the house. When his mother tells the kids to do something, Stacey is in charge of it actually happening and that he is a roll model to his younger siblings. The choices Stacey makes allow him to be a leader, and that type of leadership shows that he is now a man and not a boy.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ T.J. was a weak-minded boy that absorbed everything people would tell him. His best friend was Stacey, but they would constantly get into brief fights… ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Role of thunder here my cry is a very good book and it taught a lot of the characters. They learned a lesson and that taught people a lesson. It also showed that people need to stand up for what is right. Some of the people in the book thought that just because they were rich or they were white they could just go pushing people around that were not rich or had a different colored skin. The family of Stacey, Cassie, Little man, and Christopher John Mama Papa Big Ma. They have this guy and his name is Mr. Morssen he was like a body guard that stayed with the family when Papa was laying railroad tracks.

Stacey is the oldest child of the family. He has a lot of responsibilities because he is the oldest. I think that Stacey has so much responsibilities that some times he just makes stupid decisions sometimes. For example when T.J. tells Stacey that his coat is to big so T.J. convinced him to give his coat to him in tell he was big enough to ware it. He will stand up for any of his family members and I like that about Stacey.

T.J. is the kind of friend that i would look at and call low. He takes advantage of people. The way that he get taught his lesson in the book is that when his rich friends beat him up and frame him for something that he did not even do. After making the Logan's look bad and when he gets beat up he comes and excepts them to help them. In the end he finds out his real friends are.

Cassie, the thing that i like about here is that she tries he best to lead her family in the right direction. She also stands up for her self and her family. In the book Mrs. lealy and Jean is this rich girl that gets everything that she wants. One day Cassie runes in to here at strawberry. Mrs. Lealy and Jean gets mad at her and makes he apologize and then she says to get in the road and when she does not her Mrs. Lealy and Jean's dad puts her in the road and tries to make her apologize again but she does not. That is what I like about her.

My conclusion, as you can see that the Logan family does not get pick on and they stand up for them selves. They do what is right most of the time. The Logan family is a family that does not cheat out of anything. The Loans are also people the work hard for there money and do good things with it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Role of thunder here my cry is a very good book and it taught a lot of the characters. They learned a lesson and that taught people a lesson. It also showed that people need to stand up for what is right.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the three main characters choices, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“I think that Stacey has so much responsibilities that some times he just makes stupid decisions sometimes. For example when T.J. tells Stacey that his coat is to big so T.J. convinced him to give his coat to him in tell he was big enough to ware it.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Cassie, the thing that i like about here is that she tries he best to lead her family in the right direction. She also stands up for her self and her family. In the book Mrs. lealy and Jean is this rich girl that gets everything that she wants. One day Cassie runes in to here at strawberry.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“T.J. is the kind of friend that i would look at and call low. He takes advantage of people. The way that he get taught his lesson in the book is that when his rich friends beat him up and frame him for something that he did not even do.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Stacey has so much responsibilities that some times he just makes stupid decisions sometimes. For example when T.J. tells Stacey that his coat is to big so T.J. convinced him to give his coat to him in tell he was big enough to ware it.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“She also stands up for her self and her family. In the book Mrs. lealy and Jean is this rich girl that gets everything that she wants. One day Cassie runes in to here at strawberry. Mrs. Lealy and Jean gets mad at her and makes he apologize and then she says to get in the road and when she does not her Mrs. Lealy and Jean's dad puts her in the road and tries to make her apologize again but she does not. That is what I like about her.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Role of thunder here my cry is a very good book and it taught a lot of the characters. They learned a lesson and that taught people a lesson. It also showed that people need to stand up for what is right. Some of the people in the book thought that just because they were rich or they were white they could just go pushing people around that were not rich or had a different colored skin. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Cassie, the thing that i like about here is that she tries he best to lead her family in the right direction. She also stands up for her self and her family. In the book Mrs. lealy and Jean is this rich girl that gets everything that she wants. One day Cassie runes in to here at strawberry. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to end the essay and does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ My conclusion, as you can see that the Logan family does not get pick on and they stand up for them selves. They do what is right most of the time. The Logan family is a family that does not cheat out of anything. The Loans are also people the work hard for there money and do good things with it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ They have this guy and his name is Mr. Morssen he was like a body guard that stayed with the family when Papa was laying railroad tracks. ”)

Although the writer addresses the three main characters, the writer does not maintain enough focus on these characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the characters. (“ T.J. is the kind of friend that i would look at and call low. He takes advantage of people. The way that he get taught his lesson in the book is that when his rich friends beat him up and frame him for something that he did not even do. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ In the book Mrs. lealy and Jean is this rich girl that gets everything that she wants. One day Cassie runes in to here at strawberry. Mrs. Lealy and Jean gets mad at her and makes he apologize and then she says to get in the road and when she does not her Mrs. Lealy and Jean's dad puts her in the road and tries to make her apologize again but she does not. That is what I like about her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ He has a lot of responsibilities because he is the oldest. I think that Stacey has so much responsibilities that some times he just makes stupid decisions sometimes. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book, TJ, Stacey, and Cassie have a lot of problems in their lives. The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. They all also have sub categories in each. In the wallace store, there are kids who do drugs and drink alcohol. When Mama got fired, they won't have enough income to support their expenses and the school will loose one of their good teachers. When there was cheating, TJ got mad and told that Mama hadn't been teaching from the books and Stacey had gotten in a load of trouble. White people are simply bad because they hate black people and there are the night men who kill the blacks.

The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons. One of the reasons is that most of the people in heir town have credit there. Another is that allot of the kids from the school go up to drink and smoke up there. Many of the families have credit there because they can't get it anywhere else. They may try to get some somewhere else but they can't because they have to pay off certain dept. they owe to people. I think we all know what's bad about smoking and drinking, right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer briefly mentions some of the choices the characters make in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. They all also have sub categories in each. In the wallace store, there are kids who do drugs and drink alcohol. When Mama got fired, they won't have enough income to support their expenses and the school will loose one of their good teachers.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas of the important choices that each character made. (“When there was cheating, TJ got mad and told that Mama hadn't been teaching from the books and Stacey had gotten in a load of trouble. White people are simply bad because they hate black people and there are the night men who kill the blacks.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons. One of the reasons is that most of the people in heir town have credit there. Another is that allot of the kids from the school go up to drink and smoke up there.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are minimal in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons. One of the reasons is that most of the people in heir town have credit there. Another is that allot of the kids from the school go up to drink and smoke up there. Many of the families have credit there because they can't get it anywhere else.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In the book, TJ, Stacey, and Cassie have a lot of problems in their lives. The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. They all also have sub categories in each. In the wallace store, there are kids who do drugs and drink alcohol. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In the book, TJ, Stacey, and Cassie have a lot of problems in their lives. The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. They all also have sub categories in each.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“When there was cheating, TJ got mad and told that Mama hadn't been teaching from the books and Stacey had gotten in a load of trouble. White people are simply bad because they hate black people and there are the night men who kill the blacks…The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ They may try to get some somewhere else but they can't because they have to pay off certain dept. they owe to people. I think we all know what's bad about smoking and drinking, right. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences in the essay are short. (“ In the book, TJ, Stacey, and Cassie have a lot of problems in their lives. The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. They all also have sub categories in each.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ The for major ones are the wallace store, Mama getting fired, cheating, and white people. ”)

There is repetition. (“ The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons. One of the reasons is that most of the people in heir town have credit there. Another is that allot of the kids from the school go up to drink and smoke up there. Many of the families have credit there because they can't get it anywhere else. They may try to get some somewhere else but they can't because they have to pay off certain dept. they owe to people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ The wallace stories a big problem for many reasons. One of the reasons is that most of the people in heir town have credit there. Another is that allot of the kids from the school go up to drink and smoke up there. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Cassie, Stacey, and T.J are the most interesting children of the Logan's family, and also they have the most intearesing and very special personality. The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors. Now I'll tell every excting happenings happened in the story of the "Roll of Thunder, Hear mys cry".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“Cassie, Stacey, and T.J are the most interesting children of the Logan's family, and also they have the most intearesing and very special personality.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Now I'll tell every excting happenings happened in the story of the 'Roll of Thunder, Hear mys cry'.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the choices each character made in Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors. Now I'll tell every excting happenings happened in the story of the 'Roll of Thunder, Hear mys cry'.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Now I'll tell every excting happenings happened in the story of the 'Roll of Thunder, Hear mys cry'.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Cassie, Stacey, and T.J are the most interesting children of the Logan's family, and also they have the most intearesing and very special personality.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Cassie, Stacey, and T.J are the most interesting children of the Logan's family, and also they have the most intearesing and very special personality. The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Now I'll tell every excting happenings happened in the story of the 'Roll of Thunder, Hear mys cry'.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The T.J. is not one of the Logan's family but he is kind alike Cassie and Stacey's best friend at school and neighbors.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Cassie, Stacey, and T.J are the most interesting children of the Logan's family, and also they have the most intearesing and very special personality.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Comparing Visions of America

In Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, each speaker describes his vision of America .

After carefully reading these speeches, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you compare the images of America evoked by these speakers. How are their images similar? How are they different? Be sure to include specific examples and details from the texts to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At least once in their lifetime, most people hear the phrase that everyone is created equal. What people don't hear as much is that some people had to earn their equality or convince others that those people should have equality. This is what Abraham Lincoln did at the Gettysburg Address and what Martin Luther King did when he gave his I Have a Dream speech. They both had visions for their country and the people who wanted equality, but they also had some differences in their visions.

The images that Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King had for America were very similar. Most importantly, they both wanted freedom of blacks. "But one hundred years later, the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination." Martin Luther King is talking about how even though the blacks are not enslaved anymore, they still feel as if they are not free, because they are not being treated equally. He wants the end of racial injustice. They both try to reach this goal by imagining all of America united as friends, even though they might have a different skin color. Abraham Lincoln says that everyone should get together and finish the work of the people that tried to end slavery. "It is for the living, rather, to be dedicated to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far nobly advanced. "King also says that blacks should unite in order to try to get their freedom. "We cannot walk alone," he states. He also talks about how the freedom of the white people is connected with the freedom of the blacks. By gathering everyone together to establish equality of people of all skin colors, they also envisioned accomplishing this with peace. "Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred...We must not allow our creative protest degenerate into physical violence." When Abraham Lincoln is talking about how America should stop the war and let the slaves free, he wants to solve the problems of slavery peacefully.

Even though Lincoln and King had very similar visions, they also had some differences. A very significant difference that caused changes in the vision that each of them had was the time period. In Lincoln 's time, slavery was not abolished yet, so he had the dream that that would happen. "that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion." He is motivating all of America to try to finish the job that the soldiers from the war were trying to finish, which was the end of slavery. During the time period that Martin Luther King delivered his speech, slavery was already stopped, and they were fighting more for civil rights and justice, rather than freedom. "Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children." Another difference that the two visions had was that they were acting for different people. Lincoln had less of a motivation, because he was acting for somebody else and he only saw slavery from the outside. Martin Luther King, however, was acting for himself and he had a vision for his own people. He knew what it was like to feel imprisoned. "the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity." Even though they were both thinking about America , they had different motivations and they had a different view. An additional difference they had in their images of America was why they wanted equality for all people. Lincoln was concerned about the government and the nation falling apart. King was more concerned about the welfare of his people. Lincoln said that the end of his speech, "and that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." He wanted to keep the country and its government working properly. King showed his concern for the people by saying, "No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until 'justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.'" He showed that he would not only stop until the nation and the government would survive, but he would keep fighting until he received justice for all people, blacks and whites.

Both Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln gave speeches about freedom and equality of white people and black people, but they also had some differences. They both showed that they thought all men are created equal and they both envisioned a free nation where everyone got along, but they had different points of view and they were fighting for different things and different people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the two speeches and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“They both had visions for their country and the people who wanted equality, but they also had some differences in their visions.”) The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“A very significant difference that caused changes in the vision that each of them had was the time period.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“A very significant difference that caused changes in the vision that each of them had was the time period.”) The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the texts. (“Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction (“At least once in their lifetime, most people hear the phrase that everyone is created equal. What people don't hear as much is that some people had to earn their equality or convince others that those people should have equality. This is what Abraham Lincoln did at the Gettysburg Address and what Martin Luther King did when he gave his I Have a Dream speech.”), which includes very useful background information about the topic. (“In Lincoln 's time, slavery was not abolished yet, so he had the dream that that would happen.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences, and language and tone are consistent. (“Both Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln gave speeches about freedom and equality of white people and black people, but they also had some differences. They both showed that they thought all men are created equal and they both envisioned a free nation where everyone got along, but they had different points of view and they were fighting for different things and different people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence is indented when a new paragraph begins or a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Lincoln said that the end of his speech, ‘and that the government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have a dream Martin Luther King s famous words were said to show the theme of his speech. When people give speeches they try to show their theme, or vision in a powerful way. Good examples of this are Lincoln s Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King s I Have a Dream speech. Lincoln gave his speech to honor those who died in the battle of Gettysburg , and King gave his speech to increase black awareness. Though the speeches may sound completely different, they are similar in many ways. Both speeches have a strong focus on liberty and equal rights. The speeches differ in the sense that one speaks of piece in a nation and the importance of its values and the other speaks of racial injustice.

One way theses speeches are alike is that both have a strong focus on liberty and freedom. In the Gettysburg Address Lincoln talks about the radical ideas of the United States and how the war is testing whether that nation can long endure. In saying this he speaks of the need to fulfill the ideals of the nation and live out the freedom it promises. In King s speech he speaks of the United State s promise of freedom He is also calling for the country to live up to its promise and grant the African Americans true freedom. The speeches are alike in this and other ways.

Another way that the speeches can be compared is that both of them have a strong focus on equal rights. Lincoln speaks of the principles the nation was founded on and mentions the idea that all men are created equal here he is obviously expressing the idea that everyone has the same rights and should be treated as such. In his speech, King talks of his dream that one day this nation will live out its creed here he is referring to the idea of equality once again. He is calling out for equal rights and that the nation must obey its own laws. Thought the speeches share many ideas they differ from each other as well.

The speeches are different in the sense that one, the Gettysburg Address, speaks of peace for a nation and the importance of its values and the other, I Have a Dream talks about racial injustice. When Lincoln speaks of the government of the people, by the people, and for the people he is trying to remind people of the importance of ending the civil war and returning to a peaceful country, and trying to remind them of the values that the nations government is based upon. In King s speech he says the he wants brotherhood for former slaves and former slave owners in saying this he is trying to show that race shouldn t matter, but a persons character should and that what is in the past is done, it is time to start on a blank page. Both speeches have powerful themes and are alike and different in many ways.

In speeches the speaker try s to convey his ideas in a powerful way. In both the Gettysburg Address and the I Have a Dream both convey there themes and ideas very well. The speeches are alike because they both focus on freedom and equal rights, yet they differ from one another because one speaks of the importance of peace throughout the nation and the other of racial injustice. Though the ideas of the speeches may be different, they are similar in the way that they both convey the dream the speaker had.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes a thorough analysis of the texts and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The writer uses good, specific details that relate to the theme of the speeches, including specific information. (“ Lincoln gave his speech to honor those who died in the battle of Gettysburg , and King gave his speech to increase black awareness. Though the speeches may sound completely different, they are similar in many ways.”) The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“Another way that the speeches can be compared is that both of them have a strong focus on equal rights. Lincoln speaks of the principles the nation was founded on and mentions the idea that all men are created equal here he is obviously expressing the idea that everyone has the same rights and should be treated as such.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts. The essay uses good details to describe what is important about Lincoln and King. (“In King s speech he says the he wants brotherhood for former slaves and former slave owners in saying this he is trying to show that race shouldn t matter, but a persons character should and that what is in the past is done, it is time to start on a blank page. Both speeches have powerful themes and are alike and different in many ways.”) (“In King s speech he speaks of the United State s promise of freedom He is also calling for the country to live up to its promise and grant the African Americans true freedom. The speeches are alike in this and other ways.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices. The essay demonstrates an effective introduction (“Though the speeches may sound completely different, they are similar in many ways. Both speeches have a strong focus on liberty and equal rights. The speeches differ in the sense that one speaks of piece in a nation and the importance of its values and the other speaks of racial injustice.”), which provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“One way theses speeches are alike is that both have a strong focus on liberty and freedom. In the Gettysburg Address Lincoln talks about the radical ideas of the United States and how the war is testing whether that nation can long endure.”) The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“In speeches the speaker try s to convey his ideas in a powerful way. In both the Gettysburg Address and the I Have a Dream both convey there themes and ideas very well.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety, and the language and tone are consistent. (“In saying this he speaks of the need to fulfill the ideals of the nation and live out the freedom it promises. In King s speech he speaks of the United State s promise of freedom He is also calling for the country to live up to its promise and grant the African Americans true freedom.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences begin with a capital letter, and most sentences are indented when a new paragraph begins or a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“The speeches are different in the sense that one, the Gettysburg Address, speaks of peace for a nation and the importance of its values and the other, I Have a Dream talks about racial injustice. When Lincoln speaks of the government of the people, by the people, and for the people he is trying to remind people of the importance of ending the civil war and returning to a peaceful country, and trying to remind them of the values that the nations government is based upon.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two great speeches of the United States are "role models" for our country's views and opinions on things today. The two speeches I am talking about are the Gettysburg Address, by President Abraham Lincoln and the other speech is called "I Have a Dream," written by Dr. Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln had visions for the country of America that were in ways similar and other ways, different.

In the "I Have a Dream" speech, Martin Luther King states that all men are created equal. He says, "We hold these truths to be self evident; that all men are created equal." This is one of Martin Luther King's dreams in his speech. As well as Martin Luther King, Abraham has a very similar dream. In his Gettysburg Address, Lincoln says, "Our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." This quote is very similar to what is said in "I Have a Dream." President Lincoln's vision is what I would imply the same as Martin Luther King's. They also have another very similar vision. Both men had a dream of the United States to have freedom. "That this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom," said Abraham Lincoln in his Gettysburg Address. Martin Luther King said something similar in his speech, "To stand up for freedom together, knowing that one day we will be free."

The two speeches are different because Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln were speaking from different view points. Abraham talked more about the United States ' war for freedom. He was not talking about racism and slavery the whole time as was Dr. King. Dr. King talks against racial prejudice and like it one day, in his dream will be gone. "I have a dream that one day...the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood." With Martin Luther King saying this he has already seen the slavery stop, but the prejudice continued. When President Abraham was speaking he had not yet seen his vision come true to an extent.

"I Have a Dream" and the Gettysburg Address, will always be looked at as great speeches that define the present and future of the United States of America . They will serve for the U. S. as "role models." Martin Luther King and President Abraham Lincoln had some differences in their visions, but over all I would say their visions were similar.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the texts and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In the ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, Martin Luther King states that all men are created equal. He says, ‘We hold these truths to be self evident; that all men are created equal.’ This is one of Martin Luther King's dreams in his speech. As well as Martin Luther King, Abraham has a very similar dream.”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang. (“With Martin Luther King saying this he has already seen the slavery stop, but the prejudice continued. When President Abraham was speaking he had not yet seen his vision come true to an extent.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts. The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the texts. (“In his Gettysburg Address, Lincoln says, ‘Our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.’ This quote is very similar to what is said in ‘I Have a Dream.’”) The essay uses details to describe what is important. (“Both men had a dream of the United States to have freedom. ‘That this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom,’ said Abraham Lincoln in his Gettysburg Address. Martin Luther King said something similar in his speech, ‘To stand up for freedom together, knowing that one day we will be free.’")

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln had visions for the country of America that were in ways similar and other ways, different.”) The essay demonstrates a decent conclusion, which adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“‘I Have a Dream’ and the Gettysburg Address, will always be looked at as great speeches that define the present and future of the United States of America . They will serve for the U. S. as ‘role models.’ Martin Luther King and President Abraham Lincoln had some differences in their visions, but over all I would say their visions were similar.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice, and it generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“‘I have a dream that one day...the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.’ With Martin Luther King saying this he has already seen the slavery stop, but the prejudice continued. When President Abraham was speaking he had not yet seen his vision come true to an extent.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“‘I Have a Dream’ and the Gettysburg Address, will always be looked at as great speeches that define the present and future of the United States of America .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences begin with a capital letter, and many sentences are indented when a new paragraph begins or a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“‘I Have a Dream’ and the Gettysburg Address, will always be looked at as great speeches that define the present and future of the United States of America . They will serve for the U. S. as ‘role models.’ Martin Luther King and President Abraham Lincoln had some differences in their visions, but over all I would say their visions were similar.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many are similarities and differences between Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech "I Have a Dream and Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The speeches were given at different times in history. Both speeches were about freedom in the United States of America .

Abraham Lincoln's speech is about the Civil War.He speaks about the brave men that gave their lives for the freedom of our nation. He also speaks of the brave soldiers that lived and struggled in this battle. He talks about how brave and dedicated soldiers were. He say's that there is still a great task remaining before the people,

Martin Luther King Jr.' speech was about freedom for black people. He has dreams about the future of our country. He believes that all men are created equal like the Constitution says. He believes that all men will someday sit together.

Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are speaking of freedom for all men. They are both talking about big battles and the future of the United States of America . The Civil War was a battle where many people died for freedom. The Civil Rights movements were also a battle for blacks. Both battles made a very big change to our country. Both battles were won. Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. were both killed. The never got to see the outcome of their battles. Both men believed in God and the Constitution.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the texts and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The essay’s response does not fully respond to the question asked in the writing prompt. (“The speeches were given at different times in history. Both speeches were about freedom in the United States of America .”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“Martin Luther King Jr.' speech was about freedom for black people. He has dreams about the future of our country. He believes that all men are created equal like the Constitution says. He believes that all men will someday sit together.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts. The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about Lincoln and King’s message. (“Martin Luther King Jr.' speech was about freedom for black people. He has dreams about the future of our country. He believes that all men are created equal like the Constitution says. He believes that all men will someday sit together.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are speaking of freedom for all men. They are both talking about big battles and the future of the United States of America . The Civil War was a battle where many people died for freedom. The Civil Rights movements were also a battle for blacks.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction, which attempts to grab the readers’ attention. The introduction also includes some background information about the topic. (“There are many are similarities and differences between Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech ‘I Have a Dream and Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The speeches were given at different times in history. Both speeches were about freedom in the United States of America .”) The essay demonstrates evidence of a strong conclusion. (“Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are speaking of freedom for all men. They are both talking about big battles and the future of the United States of America . The Civil War was a battle where many people died for freedom. The Civil Rights movements were also a battle for blacks. Both battles made a very big change to our country. Both battles were won. Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. were both killed. The never got to see the outcome of their battles. Both men believed in God and the Constitution.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. The lengths of the sentences are short. (“Abraham Lincoln's speech is about the Civil War.He speaks about the brave men that gave their lives for the freedom of our nation.”) Transitions are needed. (“Martin Luther King Jr.' speech was about freedom for black people. He has dreams about the future of our country.”) Sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“The never got to see the outcome of their battles. Both men believed in God and the Constitution.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), and each sentence should end with a punctuation mark. Sentences are not consistently indented when a new paragraph begins, and line breaks are not consistently used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. Sentences are short and transitions are needed. (“Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. were both killed. The never got to see the outcome of their battles. Both men believed in God and the Constitution.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone has a different view of America . Speaking of views of America , both Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. have very stron views of America .

In his Gettysburg address Abraham Lincoln described his views of the United States . He said that this is a land where we are free to fight for our beliefs and those who died for that cause should be honored.

Martin Luther King Jr. had very similiar views. He said that all men, black or white, should be treated the same, and that is worth fighting for.

In Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, each speaker describes his vision of America . Everyone has a different view of America , but they seem to agree.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the texts and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Everyone has a different view of America . Speaking of views of America , both Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. have very stron views of America .”) The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Martin Luther King Jr. had very similiar views. He said that all men, black or white, should be treated the same, and that is worth fighting for.”) In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is not stated.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the texts. The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about Lincoln or King. (“In his Gettysburg address Abraham Lincoln described his views of the United States . He said that this is a land where we are free to fight for our beliefs and those who died for that cause should be honored.”) There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Martin Luther King Jr. had very similiar views. He said that all men, black or white, should be treated the same, and that is worth fighting for.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and there is little evidence of transitional devices. The essay also demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction, as the writer does little to grab the readers’ attention. (“Everyone has a different view of America . Speaking of views of America , both Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. have very stron views of America .”) The essay also does little to include a strong conclusion, which fails to summarize the main points of the essay. (“In Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and Martin Luther King Jr.'s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, each speaker describes his vision of America . Everyone has a different view of America , but they seem to agree.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language use with little awareness of audience. It also makes basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short (“In his Gettysburg address Abraham Lincoln described his views of the United States.”), and transitions are needed. (“He said that this is a land where we are free to fight for our beliefs and those who died for that cause should be honored. Martin Luther King Jr. had very similiar views.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“Speaking of views of America , both Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. have very stron views of America .”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The world will little note,nor long remember,what we say here." Lincoln never thought his speech will be remembered. Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Although both great men were fighting for the freedom of blacks,or Negros .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the texts and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the texts. The essay does not state the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“‘The world will little note,nor long remember,what we say here.’ Lincoln never thought his speech will be remembered. Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the texts. The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about Lincoln and King’s speeches. There are inadequate or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. Transitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“‘The world will little note,nor long remember,what we say here.’ Lincoln never thought his speech will be remembered. Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Although both great men were fighting for the freedom of blacks,or Negros .”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, and transitions are needed. (“‘The world will little note,nor long remember,what we say here.’ Lincoln never thought his speech will be remembered. Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Although both great men were fighting for the freedom of blacks,or Negros .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of mechanics and conventions. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), and each sentence should end with a punctuation mark. Sentences are not indented when a new paragraph begins, nor are line breaks used to separate or distinguish between paragraphs. Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. (“‘The world will little note,nor long remember,what we say here.’ Lincoln never thought his speech will be remembered. Unlike Lincoln ,Luther king thought his speech will go down as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Although both great men were fighting for the freedom of blacks,or Negros .”)

Conflict in the Secret Annex

The Diary of Anne Frank describes the trials and triumphs of three families: the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans. In order to save their families, they must stay hidden in the Secret Annex from the Nazis.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you explain a major conflict faced by these families and how they resolved it. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer'’s message.

Model Essay

The Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans have struggled in many ways during the Holocaust. With the struggles have come many triumphs. The most major conflict they faced was hiding in general. When in hiding they could not go outdoors, get food, or socialize. They had to count on family friends to bring them food and inform them of the outside world. While trying to lead a semi-normal life they had to refrain from making any noise from their hiding spot to keep the workers down below suspicious of the activity above. With the food, they had to equally divide it all up and ration it out as well as save it and try to make it last for as long as possible. The children’s learning suffered for a few weeks as the families settled into their new home.

Because the Jews were in hiding, they could not go outside. In order to get fresh air, they would open a window so it was barely visible to get a few gasps of refreshment. The windows had to be covered so no one could see the activity going on in the Secret Annex. For two years the families had to go without fresh air and open daylight while they were in hiding. It was very brave of them to sacrifice their lives to keep their families safe from concentration camps.

In order to get food, the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans had to rely on the secretary and family friend to bring in news from the real world and to supply food. The hiding family asked for so much from the aide of friends that it became stressful to everyone. When the food was delivered it had to be split and saved. Nothing could go to waste during those two years. But if they ran out of food, they would have to go without eating or eating rotten leftovers. The friends also brought books for the children so they could keep on getting an education even if they had nowhere to use it. Birthdays and holidays were sacrificed too because of the minimal gifts or the quality of presents. The families didn’t seem to mind as long as they got along.

Another minor struggle was socializing. Anne Frank was misunderstood by everyone in the house and kept to herself for more than a year. Many people would never be able to hold themselves in for that long and let their personal opinions be swept away. The families fought constantly over things as simple as using the bathroom. They tried their best to keep the fighting to it’s lowest but sometimes it was hard. Grudges were held and relationships were torn apart but they always found a way to mend themselves. The families couldn’t visit any of their old friends because the friends were either in hiding or in camps also. It must have been very stressful having no contact with the outside radio. Their only contact was through the visiting friends and the radio. The friends only gave minimal comfort to the hiding family because they were only one person and the family craved more. When growing up, kids and teenagers need their friends. Anne had many friends before the Holocaust and she lost most of them when her family went into hiding. One can only feel so bad for the families to be cut off the world and being so behind in the latest news.

There is no one specific trial and triumph that the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans had to overcome in their two years of hiding because it is all one big experience. The trial was to stay alive and healthy during the hiding period which they all managed to do to some extent. Although there were common sicknesses and longings they made it through. The biggest letdown of course was being captured by the Nazis but that is a trial and triumph all in it’s own. The most rewarding part of the experience was letting the voice of young Anne Frank be spread across the world of her family’s bravery and her own during the years. She said that she wanted to live even when she wasn’t alive and the effect of spreading her words is also a reward in it’s own. Knowing that someone can overcome the ups and downs of living with the same people for two years straight and never leaving is the biggest trial and triumph that the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans ever faced.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is very effective. The author establishes an in-depth analysis of the text, while making insightful connections between the task and the ideas in the play book through the central idea of that the major conflict of the play book being is the trials and tribulations that the Franks, VanDaans, and Mr. Dussel had to endure while in hiding, and how they tried to resolve their struggles. (“ The Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans have struggled in many ways during the Holocaust. With the struggles have come many triumphs. The most major conflict they faced was hiding in general.””)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is developed very effectively. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text regarding various aspects of the families’ conflicts, such as their inability to leave the annex, their struggle for food, and their difficulty in getting along with one another. (“ In order to get food, the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans had to rely on the secretary and family friend to bring in news from the real world and to supply food.””)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. There is a cohesive and unified, five-paragraph structure, with an engaging introduction, and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout. (“ Knowing that someone can overcome the ups and downs of living with the same people for two years straight and never leaving is the biggest trial and triumph that the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaa ns ever faced.””)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay is very advanced and effective. Evidence of precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience are all seen in this essay. In addition, the writer’s sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ There is no one specific trial and triumph that the Franks, Dussels, and VanDaans had to overcome in their two years of hiding because it is all one big experience. The trial was to stay alive and healthy during the hiding period which they all managed to do to some extent.””)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are seen.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer'’s message.

Model Essay

The Franks, the VanDaans, and Mr. Dussel faced many challenges while hiding in the Secret Annex. They all had to live together in a cramped attic for more than two years, and somehow manage to co-exist. They disagreed on the tiniest things. Food and patience were a major issue, but the most important thing was fighting for survival.

In the Annex, there was an extreme food shortage. Since food was scarce, Meip, their friend and provider who kept them safe in the Annex, could only get food to them whenever she herself got food, and that was not very often. The Franks, VanDaans, and Mr. Dussel fought over the portions of food each other got because each thought the other person was getting more food than themselves. Food in Germany was also scarce because the farmers and store clerks who provided the food were off fighting in the war. Although ration cards were available, Meip’s ration cards were stolen by the robber who is believed to have told the authorities about the occupants of the Secret Annex. Food was a huge part of their survival.

Another major conflict was having patience. The Franks, VanDaans, & Mr. Dussel were stuck together in an attic for more than two years, and they had to learn to be patient with each other. Modesty and privacy were basicly impossible, especially with Anne & Margot Frank and Mr. Dussel sharing one room. Also, Anne and Peter’s only dates were in his room for and hour each night. They didn’t have nearly as much privacy as they wanted. The families had to learn to live in fear and worry, not knowing whether they would see each other the the next day, or even the next hour, for the Nazi’s could come and take them all away to concentration camps. Patience was key.

Finally, surviving was the most important conflict. The families had little food, they contracted diseases from being cooped up inside the Annex with no sun or fresh air. As Anne Frank once wrote, "“Older people have formed their opinions about everything and don’t waver before they act. It’s twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground and maintain our opinions in a time when all ideals are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and God."” Survival was the only thing that kept them together.

In the two years that the Franks, the VanDaans, and Mr. Dussel were hiding in the Secret Annex, they had to deal with problems that almost no one has ever experienced. They might not have realized it, but they were incredibly strong for surviving for that long. Although Mr. Frank is the only survivor (everyone else died in the concentration camps), Anne Frank has changed the way people think about the Holocost. She was only 13 when she got her diary, and yet she wrote down her feelings and didn’t even think that someday it would be a best-selling book, published all over the world in many different languages.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is a good focus and meaning maintained throughout this essay. A thorough analysis of the play book is established, which makes clear connections between the task and the ideas in the text through the controlling idea of the families’ ability to “co-exist”” despite their conflicts, which include a struggle for food, lack of patience, and fight for survival. Both the families’ conflicts and how they tried to resolve them were discussed. (“ The Franks, the VanDaans, and Mr. Dussel faced many challenges while hiding in the Secret Annex. They all had to live together in a cramped attic for more than two years, and somehow manage to co-exist.””)

Content & Development

Good content and development is evident in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text, relating to the main characters’ various conflicts and resolutions of those conflicts. (“ Finally, surviving was the most important conflict. The families had little food, they contracted diseases from being cooped up inside the Annex with no sun or fresh air.””)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization, with a mostly unified, five-paragraph structure. A well-written, although briefer, conclusion and introduction, which lays out the three main points of the essay, isare evident, as well as consistent use of transitional devices. (“ Food and patience were a major issue, but the most important thing was fighting for survival.””)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is good. Appropriate language use and word choice are demonstrated. Furthermore, there is some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience, as well as well-structured sentences with some variety. (“ She was only 13 when she got her diary, and yet she wrote down her feelings and didn’t even think that someday it would be a best-selling book, published all over the world in many different languages.””)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics are demonstrated throughout this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer'’s message.

Model Essay

The secret annex was the secret upstairs building of a work office, which could only be reached with a single door which was hidden in back of a bookshelf. When in the secret annex all of the three families had to get use to the fact that they had to sacrifice lots of their things and necessities just to stay alive while hiding, for example they had to cut down on the food they ate. They also had to stay quiet from the hours of eight-thirty through five-thirty, they also could not use the bathroom from these times. This was because the men down stairs from the annex were working.

The three families had to find a way to entertain themselves. The younger ones like Anne, Peter and Margot spent the day completing school exercises to keep their minds sharp. The adults however talked, took naps, or just sat around. Mr.Kraler had said before ?tell them about the noise.? Then Mr. Frank explains ?while the men are in the building below, we must have complete quiet. Every sound can be heard down there.? This included using the bathroom or running water. Both families got use to it after a while. They would try to hear for the sound of the workers to see if they had left, or to get a thumbs up from Miep or Kraler.

Another issue was food. The food that was brought to them by Miep had to feed eight people and Mouschi the cat, so food was scarce to them. Even though Mouschi was forced to leave after, food was still an issue, and someone in the group would sneak up at night and take a bit more food from the cabinet for himself. Although nobody noticed Mrs. Frank heard sounds at night. Soon enough the culprit was caught, the culprit was Mr. Van Daan, Mrs. Frank was furious and tried to kick him and his family out. She said "“he steals once! He’ll steal again.? She was even willing to pay someone else to house them, she later changed her mind when Miep brought good news. The Americans and others had invaded.

In conclusion the three families had to find ways to survive while hiding, they had to cut down on food, evading using the bathroom or any type of running water from eight to five. At the end they all learn to triumph and respect each other, even though the green police finds them and takes them into camps. Soon all but Mr. Frank die.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is adequate. A basic analysis of the text is established, while making implied connections between the task and the ideas in the play book through the central idea of the various sacrifices the families had to make while in hiding. Both the families’ conflicts and ways they tried to resolve those conflicts are discussed. (“ When in the secret annex all of the three families had to get use to the fact that they had to sacrifice lots of their things and necessities just to stay alive while hiding, for example they had to cut down on the food they ate.””)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are generally developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the text relating to the families’ conflicts over a lack of food and finding ways to keep themselves occupied. (“ The three families had to find a way to entertain themselves. The younger ones like Anne, Peter and Margot spent the day completing school exercises to keep their minds sharp. The adults however talked, took naps, or just sat around.””)

Organization

The organization of this essay is adequate, as a generally unified, four-paragraph structure with a noticeable, but less focused, introduction and conclusion is apparent. (“’ In conclusion the three families had to find ways to survive while hiding, they had to cut down on food, evading using the bathroom or any type of running water from eight to five’”). Transitional devices, however, are often used inconsistently.

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style in this essay is adequate. Appropriate language use and word choice are demonstrated, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. This essay’s sentence structure is generally correct with some sentence variety. (“ At the end they all learn to triumph and respect each other, even though the green police finds them and takes them into camps.””)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions in this essay is adequate. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer'’s message.

Model Essay

The story of Anne Frank is very well known in many languages. Everybody knows Anne Frank as a smart,loving and outgoing. She has a sister named margot her mother ,Edith Frank, and her father ,Otto Frank. Miep Gies and Mr. Kraler were two dutch people helped the franks by putting them into hiding they lived in a place for almost two years called the Secret Annex.

Burglars kept coming in and heard noises every time they came in. There were many conflicts between the VanDaans and the Franks. One of them is when Mr. VanDaan stole a piece of bread, every one got mad at him because they thought it was the rats. They were already low on food and he was also fat and so they then found out why he never lost weight. Another conflict was Mr. Dussel arguing with Peter about getting rid of his cat because Mr. Dussel was allergic to cats.

The conflict that started all of there fighting was when Anne was dancing next to Mrs. VanDaan’s coat. Only to find out that she spilled milk all over Mrs. VanDaan’s fur coat that her father gave her. That’s when Mrs. VanDaan lost it she started to yell Anne tried to say she was sorry but Mrs. VanDaan wouldn’t listen to her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is more limited. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the play book and makes only few or vague connections between the task and the ideas in the text through a less clear central idea regarding the conflicts that the families dealt with during their time in hiding. However, only the conflicts, rather than both the conflicts and resolutions, are discussed. (“ There were many conflicts between the VanDaans and the Franks.”)

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, content is limited in development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence from the text. (“ They were already low on food and he was also fat and so they then found out why he never lost weight. Another conflict was Mr. Dussel arguing with Peter about getting rid of his cat because Mr. Dussel was allergic to cats”). Only two body paragraphs are devoted to discussing the content of the essay, and ideas and examples are often unfocused, only attempting to discuss conflict but not how the families attempted to resolve those conflicts.

Organization

This author’s writing is limited in its organization. Although there is some evidence of structure with three paragraphs demonstrated, there is only a brief, unfocused introduction and missing conclusion. (“ The story of Anne Frank is very well known in many languages. Everybody knows Anne Frank as a smart,loving and outgoing”). In addition, some transitional devices are lacking.

Language Use & Style

Use of language and style is limited throughout this essay. The reader finds simple language use and only some awareness of audience and control of voice. Simple sentences are also relied on with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. (“ The conflict that started all of there fighting was when Anne was dancing next to Mrs. VanDaan's coat. Only to find out that she spilled milk all over Mrs. VanDaan's fur coat that her father gave her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is a limited control of conventions and mechanics seen in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The major conflict in the secret annex room was that they didn’t have enough food for everyone. There was stomachs growling because they where hungry. The children were getting skinner each day and there wasn’t enough food to go around. They didn’t have enough to share with each other and they started to become very selfish because they only cared about themselves. Mr. Van Dam was stealing bread for himself and he was hiding it from the others, he didn’t even care about his on son who was starving.

Everyone thought that the rats were eating all of their food and that’s why they didn’t have enough food for everyone. They where getting really grumpy with each other and them were getting mad and frustrated with each other, they couldn’t stand each other any more. The grown ups started to yell at their children because they were starving and they couldn’t take it any more. Margot got sick because they didn’t have food for the children or for themselves to eat and all ate was a little peice of bread or something.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is limited. The author establishes an incomplete analysis of the play book and makes no connections between the task and the ideas in the text through the controlling idea regarding the lack of food for the families while hiding in the Secret Annex. Yet, only the conflict is discussed; how the families tried to resolve the conflict is not. (“ The major conflict in the secret annex room was that they didn’t have enough food for everyone.”)

Content & Development

Content throughout this essay is developed only minimally. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. (“ Everyone thought that the rats were eating all of their food and that’s why they didn’t have enough food for everyone. They where getting really grumpy with each other and them were getting mad and frustrated with each other, they couldn’t stand each other any more”). Furthermore, content only consists of a brief discussion of the major conflict the writer chose to write about; however, how the families tried to resolve the conflict is never mentioned.

Organization

Organization in this essay is limited, with little evidence of a unified structure, with a poor, unfocused introduction, and with no conclusion. Furthermore, there is little evidence of transitional devices seen throughout. (“ Mr. Van Dam ?was stealing bread for himself and he was hiding it from the others, he didn’t even care about his on son who was starving.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. This essay’s use of language and style is characterized by poor language use, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“ Margot got sick because they didn’t have food for the children or for themselves ?to eat and all ate was a little peice of bread or something.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

A minimal control of conventions and mechanics is seen throughout. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer'’s message.

Model Essay

The three famlies who lived in the secrete annex are the Franks, Duusels, and VanDaans.The secrete annex has two rooms and bathroom and it was right above the office where Mr. Frank works. The famlies went into hiding because Nazis were trying to capure all the Jews in Hamsterdam and try to take over the world. The doorway to the secrete annex was cover by a bookshelf so one will notice that their are people living above.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay is inadequate, as the author fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections between the required task and the ideas in the text through any central idea. Neither any conflicts nor solutions are discussed; rather, the author merely discusses some brief background regarding the annex. (“ The famlies went into hiding because Nazis were trying to capure all the Jews in Hamsterdam and try to take over the world. The doorway to the secrete annex was cover by a bookshelf so one will notice that their are people living above.”)

Content & Development

The content and development throughout this essay is inadequate and fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text, only background knowledge regarding the annex and the reason for the families’ going into hiding. (“ The three famlies who lived in the secrete annex are the Franks, Duusels, and VanDaans.The secrete annex has two rooms and bathroom and it was right above the office where Mr. Frank works.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is also inadequate, as there is no evidence of a unified structure or anwith no introduction or conclusion. The essay only consists of one paragraph with no evidence of any transitional devices between sentences. (“ The three famlies who lived in the secrete annex are the Franks, Duusels, and VanDaans.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. Unclear language use with no awareness of audience is demonstrated by the writer, and major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage are obvious. (“ The famlies went into hiding because Nazis were trying to capure all the Jews in Hamsterdam and try to take over the world.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Control of conventions and mechanics in this essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Dar and the Spear-Thrower by Marjorie Cowley

In the book Dar and the Spear-Thrower by Marjorie Cowley, Dar embarks on a dangerous adventure to obtain his own spear-thrower. Dar matures and changes from the book's beginning to its end, as he pursues his quest and obtains the spear-thrower.

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss the ways in which Dar matures and changes through his quest to obtain a spear-thrower. Include details from the story to support your thesis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

From a Boy to a Man

Imagine a time when people lived in clans in isolated communities only interacting in the time of trade or war. That is how hard it was for Dar, a thirteen year old boy, and his clan, to live in the book Dar and the Spear Thrower, by Marjorie Cowley. The book is set fifteen thousand years ago in modern-day France where Dar, considered a boy in his clan, goes on a journey to prove his manhood and to be free of his uncle Kenok's power. Dar's long journey changed him from a childish boy to a courageous man.

Dar is unsure and lacks confidence in what he does. For example, Dar meets a stranger who possesses a spear-thrower, a device that can throw a spear farther than a human. Then, Dar shows his sun-stone, a rock that can make fire. When the stranger asked to trade, "Dar's body [became] tense with indecision" (27). Dar's lack of confidence takes over when he tells himself that his uncle, who dictates everything he does, would not approve of Dar trading the Sunstone for the stranger's spear-thrower. If he had self-confidence, he probably would have made the trade and shown Kenok the way the spear-thrower works, and maybe Kenok would have liked it. Another example of Dar's bad habit of being unsure is when Dar and the other boy his age in the clan, Bowan, start their initiation ceremony. They are instructed by the clan's shaman, or religious leader, to emerge in freezing water to cleanse themselves of their childhoods. While Bowan enters immediately, Dar hesitates. Only after Bowan says it is what they must do, "Dar reluctantly [takes] off his clothes and [follows] Bowan into the freezing water" (41). Dar's habit of being unsure causes him to hesitate before doing what he needs to do. If Bowan was not there to go in the water, Dar probably would not have gone in. This habit of being unsure may stop Dar in the future when he is hunting an animal or needs to retreat from a battle with another clan. Before Dar's journey, Dar is always unsure and displays a lack of confidence.

The journey to Toreg's clan and the hunt with all the men in Toreg's clan are two key events that helped change Dar into a man. On his journey to Toreg's clan, Dar experiences many conflicts and self-doubts and wants to go home and he even "considered going home. But he wanted the spear-thrower. . . [and he knew that] he must continue his journey" (57). This shows that even though Dar feels like he can't complete the journey and wants to return home, the thought of possessing the spear-thrower and his persistence keep him striving for his destination. The quote also shows that Dar is very ambitious and wants to achieve his goal, no matter the cost he pays to get the spear-thrower. His ambition shows how much he is changing into a man because before he probably would have given up, but now that he is a man, he didn't, and he kept striving for his goal. Later in the novel, when Dar is hunting with Toreg's people, he shows even more how he is becoming a man. After Dar kills musk oxen on the hunt, "[He]was flooded with a sense of relief" (97). This quote shows that Dar can still feel pride, even with all of his self-doubts. This means that Dar can forget all of his failures and think of his successes, which are tell-tale qualities characteristic of real men. If Dar had too much self-doubt, he might not enjoy his kill as much as he should, or might have even failed in the hunt. Even though Dar still has some self-doubt, he is learning to overcome these childish fears and become more like a man. Dar's epic journey and his successful hunt are two key events that show how Dar changed into a man.

After Dar experiences challenges, his success shows that he is now truly a man. When Dar is getting ready to go back home, his great-uncle, Seelan, asks Dar to stay with him. Dar replies by saying, "[Our clan's shaman] told us we would come into manhood to serve the clan, not ourselves" (100). Dar is showing that even though he would like to stay with Seelan, he knows that he must return to his own clan. This shows Dar being responsible because he is remembering and fulfilling his promise to serve the clan, which is a big indicator that he has changed into a man. Dar also shows selflessness by choosing his clan over Seelan because he is doing what is best for his clan, not for him, which also shows his change to a man. Later, when Dar finds Kenok in a pine forest, Kenok wanted to see what the spear-thrower was like. Dar agreed but, "He was less tense than he expected to be. He attached his spear to his spear-thrower and hurled it in one quick, flowing motion. It flew toward the target, fast and sure, and struck the trunk and stayed there, quivering" (112). Dar shows in this quote that he is learning to conquer his fears. In the beginning of the novel, Dar was intimidated by Kenok, but now he has conquered his fear by proving that his journey wasn't a waste of time. Conquering his fear is a for sure mark that Dar is a man. Dar also shows confidence in the quote when he is so fearless. If Dar didn't have the confidence, he might not have hit the target, but since he did have confidence, he hit the target and showed he was a man because of his great confidence. After Dar's difficult challenges, we can see how he has changed from a child to a man.

The time in which Dar lived in was very difficult compared to today. There have been many technological advances, but Dar survived without any of them. Even though Dar had many challenges and self-doubts, he pushed through them all to become a great person. This proves how Dar changed from a cowardly boy to a courageous man. But the real question is, could you?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer aptly communicates an understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she describes some of the pivotal moments in Dar’s journey to manhood with clear and very descriptive details. (“While Bowan enters immediately, Dar hesitates. Only after Bowan says it is what they must do, ‘Dar reluctantly [takes] off his clothes and [follows] Bowan into the freezing water’ (41). Dar's habit of being unsure causes him to hesitate before doing what he needs to do. If Bowan was not there to go in the water, Dar probably would not have gone in. This habit of being unsure may stop Dar in the future when he is hunting an animal or needs to retreat from a battle with another clan. Before Dar's journey, Dar is always unsure and displays a lack of confidence.”)

The writer’s essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“After Dar kills musk oxen on the hunt, ‘[He]was flooded with a sense of relief’ (97). This quote shows that Dar can still feel pride, even with all of his self-doubts. This means that Dar can forget all of his failures and think of his successes, which are tell-tale qualities characteristic of real men. If Dar had too much self-doubt, he might not enjoy his kill as much as he should, or might have even failed in the hunt. Even though Dar still has some self-doubt, he is learning to overcome these childish fears and become more like a man. Dar's epic journey and his successful hunt are two key events that show how Dar changed into a man.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Imagine a time when people lived in clans in isolated communities only interacting in the time of trade or war. That is how hard it was for Dar, a thirteen year old boy, and his clan, to live in the book Dar and the Spear Thrower, by Marjorie Cowley. The book is set fifteen thousand years ago in modern-day France where Dar, considered a boy in his clan, goes on a journey to prove his manhood and to be free of his uncle Kenok's power. Dar's long journey changed him from a childish boy to a courageous man. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story. (“They are instructed by the clan's shaman, or religious leader, to emerge in freezing water to cleanse themselves of their childhoods. While Bowan enters immediately, Dar hesitates. Only after Bowan says it is what they must do, ‘Dar reluctantly [takes] off his clothes and [follows] Bowan into the freezing water’ (41). Dar's habit of being unsure causes him to hesitate before doing what he needs to do. If Bowan was not there to go in the water, Dar probably would not have gone in. This habit of being unsure may stop Dar in the future when he is hunting an animal or needs to retreat from a battle with another clan. Before Dar's journey, Dar is always unsure and displays a lack of confidence.”)

The essay contains important details that include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text. (“Later in the novel, when Dar is hunting with Toreg's people, he shows even more how he is becoming a man. After Dar kills musk oxen on the hunt, ‘[He]was flooded with a sense of relief’ (97). This quote shows that Dar can still feel pride, even with all of his self-doubts. This means that Dar can forget all of his failures and think of his successes, which are tell-tale qualities characteristic of real men. If Dar had too much self-doubt, he might not enjoy his kill as much as he should, or might have even failed in the hunt. Even though Dar still has some self-doubt, he is learning to overcome these childish fears and become more like a man. Dar's epic journey and his successful hunt are two key events that show how Dar changed into a man.”)

The body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“After Dar experiences challenges, his success shows that he is now truly a man. When Dar is getting ready to go back home, his great-uncle, Seelan, asks Dar to stay with him. Dar replies by saying, ‘[Our clan's shaman] told us we would come into manhood to serve the clan, not ourselves’ (100). Dar is showing that even though he would like to stay with Seelan, he knows that he must return to his own clan. This shows Dar being responsible because he is remembering and fulfilling his promise to serve the clan, which is a big indicator that he has changed into a man. Dar also shows selflessness by choosing his clan over Seelan because he is doing what is best for his clan, not for him, which also shows his change to a man.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong, albeit brief, conclusion is demonstrated. There is effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The writer captures the readers’ attention by asking them to imagine living during the time period that Dar and his clansmen did, which was over fifteen thousand years ago. (“Imagine a time when people lived in clans in isolated communities only interacting in the time of trade or war. That is how hard it was for Dar, a thirteen year old boy, and his clan, to live in the book Dar and the Spear Thrower, by Marjorie Cowley. The book is set fifteen thousand years ago in modern-day France where Dar, considered a boy in his clan, goes on a journey to prove his manhood and to be free of his uncle Kenok's power. Dar's long journey changed him from a childish boy to a courageous man. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Dar's habit of being unsure causes him to hesitate before doing what he needs to do. If Bowan was not there to go in the water, Dar probably would not have gone in. This habit of being unsure may stop Dar in the future when he is hunting an animal or needs to retreat from a battle with another clan. Before Dar's journey, Dar is always unsure and displays a lack of confidence.”)

The conclusion is very brief, but it leaves the readers with something to think about. (“The time in which Dar lived in was very difficult compared to today. There have been many technological advances, but Dar survived without any of them. Even though Dar had many challenges and self-doubts, he pushed through them all to become a great person. This proves how Dar changed from a cowardly boy to a courageous man. But the real question is, could you? ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits mostly effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates a defined voice and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of many well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message. However, the writer should revise many sentences that begin in the same way when explaining the evidence selected in the essay.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer uses insight and purpose as he/she explores some of the more significant events in Dar’s journey to manhood. (“Later in the novel, when Dar is hunting with Toreg's people, he shows even more how he is becoming a man. After Dar kills musk oxen on the hunt, ‘[He]was flooded with a sense of relief’ (97). This quote shows that Dar can still feel pride, even with all of his self-doubts. This means that Dar can forget all of his failures and think of his successes, which are tell-tale qualities characteristic of real men. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a clear picture of Dar’s transformation from a boy to a man so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand the events that contributed to Dar’s successful journey. (“After Dar experiences challenges, his success shows that he is now truly a man. When Dar is getting ready to go back home, his great-uncle, Seelan, asks Dar to stay with him. Dar replies by saying, ‘[Our clan's shaman] told us we would come into manhood to serve the clan, not ourselves’ (100). Dar is showing that even though he would like to stay with Seelan, he knows that he must return to his own clan. This shows Dar being responsible because he is remembering and fulfilling his promise to serve the clan, which is a big indicator that he has changed into a man. ”)

The writer’s use of many sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Dar's lack of confidence takes over when he tells himself that his uncle, who dictates everything he does, would not approve of Dar trading the Sunstone for the stranger's spear-thrower. If he had self-confidence, he probably would have made the trade and shown Kenok the way the spear-thrower works, and maybe Kenok would have liked it. Another example of Dar's bad habit of being unsure is when Dar and the other boy his age in the clan, Bowan, start their initiation ceremony. They are instructed by the clan's shaman, or religious leader, to emerge in freezing water to cleanse themselves of their childhoods. While Bowan enters immediately, Dar hesitates.”)

The writer could enhance the quality of the intended message if he/she revised many sentences to avoid the repetitious use of phrases such as “This quote shows…,” “Dar shows…,” and “This means….” (“This shows that even though Dar feels like he can't complete the journey and wants to return home, the thought of possessing the spear-thrower and his persistence keep him striving for his destination. The quote also shows that Dar is very ambitious and wants to achieve his goal, no matter the cost he pays to get the spear-thrower. His ambition shows how much he is changing into a man because before he probably would have given up, but now that he is a man, he didn't, and he kept striving for his goal. Later in the novel, when Dar is hunting with Toreg's people, he shows even more how he is becoming a man. After Dar kills musk oxen on the hunt, ‘[He]was flooded with a sense of relief’ (97). This quote shows that Dar can still feel pride, even with all of his self-doubts.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish paragraphs. (“In the beginning of the novel, Dar was intimidated by Kenok, but now he has conquered his fear by proving that his journey wasn't a waste of time. Conquering his fear is a for sure mark that Dar is a man. Dar also shows confidence in the quote when he is so fearless. If Dar didn't have the confidence, he might not have hit the target, but since he did have confidence, he hit the target and showed he was a man because of his great confidence. After Dar's difficult challenges, we can see how he has changed from a child to a man. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine going somewhere that is strange to you. Perhaps you are there to explore, or you are lost and don't know where to go. Dar, a boy about to be declared a man, wants to go on a journey like this to obtain a spear-thrower to be a better hunter. In Dar and the Spear-Thrower, a historical fiction novel by Marjorie Cowley, Dar lived in a clan fifteen thousand years ago in what is now France. He will embark on a journey that helps him change from a child to a man.

Before Dar went on his adventurous journey, he was immature. Dar was carving a piece of wood after starting the morning fire when he was "startled by the voice of his uncle, Kenok, . . . and tried to hide the carving behind his back" (4). Dar can't even trust his relatives. He doubts many people including himself. If he is mature he would have been wise enough to trust his uncle, even if he knows that Kenok will punish him. What he doesn't know, is that when he grows up, he will need to be able to put trust into people, even those you don't like. In other words, Dar still has a lot to learn and mature. After seeing a stranger, Toreg, and his spear-thrower, when Dar was checking snares, he tells Kenok and Mora, his grandmother, what happened, " [Dar] continued [with] his voice filling with enthusiasm. ' Then he showed me something I've never seen. It's a rod made of antler. . . . I call if a spear-thrower because when a spear is attached to the hooked end of the rod, it makes the throw longer and faster than a spear thrown without it'" (31). Dar only considered trading the spear-thrower for his sunstone, but did not think about what he would do on his journey. He would have to consider all factors to avoid accidents if he was wise and mature. His enthusiasm showed that he wants the spear-thrower. He thought that having the spear-thrower would solve his problems, but he doesn't know that he cannot rely on the spear-thrower alone to help him transform into a mature man. When he embarks on the journey, he will learn what it means to grow up, mature, and be a man.

As Dar lives with Seelan, his great-uncle in another clan, and Toreg, another man from the clan, Dar learns a great deal, including carving and hunting which helps Dar transform into a man. One day, Dar wakes up and finds Seelan already carving. Seeing Dar awake, Seelan teaches Dar to carve, first by, "' following [his] scratch marks, and cut deep, angled grooves that meet below the surface of the ivory . . . You'll use almost the same method for whatever you want to make'" (86-87). Dar understands what Seelan was trying to teach him very easily, because Seelan gave very simple instructions, thus learning how to carve. As Dar listens to Seelan's instructions, Dar made an ivory needle, making another step toward manhood. As Dar prepares to hunt with Toreg and the hunters of Toreg's clan, Seelan told Dar that "'[he's] bound to learn something no matter . . . Watch what [Toreg] does and try to figure out why he does it" (93). When Dar and the hunters circled the musk oxen, Toreg, "raised his spear for the others to see, then attached it to his spear-thrower. Dar got his own spear-thrower and spear into place [also]"(95). Dar, copying what Toreg is doing, successfully hunts the musk oxen and learns to hunt. As Dar tries to find out the reason for Toreg's actions, he found out a great deal about hunting musk oxen, another ability he can use to serve his clan as a man. As Dar continues to learn, he will become wiser and finally transform into a man.

As Dar learns, he unexpectedly matures and starts being like a man. At the night of Seelan's invitation for Dar to stay in Toreg's clan, Dar had a dream of a white owl, and decides that he, "can't stay [there] . . . [because] the owl was [his] shaman in his white ceremonial cape. . . [and] [had] told [him] [he] would come into [his] manhood to serve the clan, not [himself]" (99-100). Dar had understood his dream well. He used his knowledge to help him make a decision as a man would. Dar had behaved like a man when he took his responsibility. Dar was going back to his clan when he met Kenok in the forest. They were discussing when Dar told Kenok that, " Seelan taught [him] to think like a carver . . . [and] that's what [he's] going to be" (108). Kenok then questions him about hunting, and Dar told him that, " [he'll] do that, too [because] a man must hunt" (108). Dar had chosen his future and showed his forethoughtfulness, a characteristic of a man. Dar accepted manhood and took his responsibilities without any sign of reluctance. Now a man, Dar had proved repeatedly that he has grown up.

Now that Dar finished his journey, it changed him. He has learned a lot and has grown up to be a man. He made many friends and accepted his responsibilities as a man. Like Dar, once you get familiar with your surroundings, you could think about the time that you were a stranger to the area and the new time in your life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes an analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer establishes a controlling idea at the very beginning of the essay, and he/she maintains focus on the central idea to illustrate Dar’s journey from boyhood to manhood. (“After seeing a stranger, Toreg, and his spear-thrower, when Dar was checking snares, he tells Kenok and Mora, his grandmother, what happened, ‘ [Dar] continued [with] his voice filling with enthusiasm. ' Then he showed me something I've never seen. It's a rod made of antler. . . . I call if a spear-thrower because when a spear is attached to the hooked end of the rod, it makes the throw longer and faster than a spear thrown without it’ (31). Dar only considered trading the spear-thrower for his sunstone, but did not think about what he would do on his journey. He would have to consider all factors to avoid accidents if he was wise and mature. His enthusiasm showed that he wants the spear-thrower. He thought that having the spear-thrower would solve his problems, but he doesn't know that he cannot rely on the spear-thrower alone to help him transform into a mature man. When he embarks on the journey, he will learn what it means to grow up, mature, and be a man. ”)

The writer employs direct quotations from the text to support the central idea of the essay. (“Dar was going back to his clan when he met Kenok in the forest. They were discussing when Dar told Kenok that, ‘ Seelan taught [him] to think like a carver . . . [and] that's what [he's] going to be’ (108). Kenok then questions him about hunting, and Dar told him that, ‘ [he'll] do that, too [because] a man must hunt’ (108). Dar had chosen his future and showed his forethoughtfulness, a characteristic of a man. Dar accepted manhood and took his responsibilities without any sign of reluctance. Now a man, Dar had proved repeatedly that he has grown up. ”)

The writer keeps focus on the controlling idea by using details about Dar’s transformation from a young boy to a confident man. (“When Dar and the hunters circled the musk oxen, Toreg, ‘raised his spear for the others to see, then attached it to his spear-thrower. Dar got his own spear-thrower and spear into place [also]’(95). Dar, copying what Toreg is doing, successfully hunts the musk oxen and learns to hunt. As Dar tries to find out the reason for Toreg's actions, he found out a great deal about hunting musk oxen, another ability he can use to serve his clan as a man. As Dar continues to learn, he will become wiser and finally transform into a man. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are developed with a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotations or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“One day, Dar wakes up and finds Seelan already carving. Seeing Dar awake, Seelan teaches Dar to carve, first by, ‘following [his] scratch marks, and cut deep, angled grooves that meet below the surface of the ivory . . . You'll use almost the same method for whatever you want to make’ (86-87). Dar understands what Seelan was trying to teach him very easily, because Seelan gave very simple instructions, thus learning how to carve. As Dar listens to Seelan's instructions, Dar made an ivory needle, making another step toward manhood. As Dar prepares to hunt with Toreg and the hunters of Toreg's clan, Seelan told Dar that ‘[he's] bound to learn something no matter . . . Watch what [Toreg] does and try to figure out why he does it’ (93).”)

The writer includes specific and relevant details that illustrate Dar’s journey from boyhood to manhood. (“As Dar learns, he unexpectedly matures and starts being like a man. At the night of Seelan's invitation for Dar to stay in Toreg's clan, Dar had a dream of a white owl, and decides that he, ‘can't stay [there] . . . [because] the owl was [his] shaman in his white ceremonial cape. . . [and] [had] told [him] [he] would come into [his] manhood to serve the clan, not [himself]’ (99-100). Dar had understood his dream well. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Before Dar went on his adventurous journey, he was immature. Dar was carving a piece of wood after starting the morning fire when he was ‘startled by the voice of his uncle, Kenok, . . . and tried to hide the carving behind his back’ (4). Dar can't even trust his relatives. He doubts many people including himself. If he is mature he would have been wise enough to trust his uncle, even if he knows that Kenok will punish him. What he doesn't know, is that when he grows up, he will need to be able to put trust into people, even those you don't like.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction engages the readers’ attention. (“Imagine going somewhere that is strange to you. Perhaps you are there to explore, or you are lost and don't know where to go. Dar, a boy about to be declared a man, wants to go on a journey like this to obtain a spear-thrower to be a better hunter. In Dar and the Spear-Thrower, a historical fiction novel by Marjorie Cowley, Dar lived in a clan fifteen thousand years ago in what is now France. He will embark on a journey that helps him change from a child to a man. ”)

Subtle transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Before Dar went on his adventurous journey, he was immature. Dar was carving a piece of wood after starting the morning fire when he was ‘startled by the voice of his uncle, Kenok, . . . and tried to hide the carving behind his back’ (4). Dar can't even trust his relatives. He doubts many people including himself. If he is mature he would have been wise enough to trust his uncle, even if he knows that Kenok will punish him. What he doesn't know, is that when he grows up, he will need to be able to put trust into people, even those you don't like. In other words, Dar still has a lot to learn and mature. ”)

The essay contains a conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Now that Dar finished his journey, it changed him. He has learned a lot and has grown up to be a man. He made many friends and accepted his responsibilities as a man. Like Dar, once you get familiar with your surroundings, you could think about the time that you were a stranger to the area and the new time in your life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“Dar, copying what Toreg is doing, successfully hunts the musk oxen and learns to hunt. As Dar tries to find out the reason for Toreg's actions, he found out a great deal about hunting musk oxen, another ability he can use to serve his clan as a man. As Dar continues to learn, he will become wiser and finally transform into a man. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the essay. (“Dar only considered trading the spear-thrower for his sunstone, but did not think about what he would do on his journey. He would have to consider all factors to avoid accidents if he was wise and mature. His enthusiasm showed that he wants the spear-thrower. He thought that having the spear-thrower would solve his problems, but he doesn't know that he cannot rely on the spear-thrower alone to help him transform into a mature man. When he embarks on the journey, he will learn what it means to grow up, mature, and be a man.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Dar had behaved like a man when he took his responsibility. Dar was going back to his clan when he met Kenok in the forest. They were discussing when Dar told Kenok that, ‘Seelan taught [him] to think like a carver . . . [and] that's what [he's] going to be’ (108). Kenok then questions him about hunting, and Dar told him that, ‘ [he'll] do that, too [because] a man must hunt’ (108). Dar had chosen his future and showed his forethoughtfulness, a characteristic of a man. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the intended message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish the paragraphs. (“Before Dar went on his adventurous journey, he was immature. Dar was carving a piece of wood after starting the morning fire when he was ‘startled by the voice of his uncle, Kenok, . . . and tried to hide the carving behind his back’ (4). Dar can't even trust his relatives. He doubts many people including himself. If he is mature he would have been wise enough to trust his uncle, even if he knows that Kenok will punish him.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“The young boy ran up to the circle with the other hunters to examine the carcasses and retrieve the spears. The young boy saw his own spear in the side of a large female and shouted in triumph. His success had to be shared with another hunter whose spear was also embedded in the same musk ox. At least his own throw had found its mark and had contributed to the kill. This hunting scene is from Dar and the Spear-Thrower a story about a young boy struggling to become a man.” In the novel, Dar and the Spear Thrower by Marjorie Cowley, the main character Dar (the young boy) is transformed from a naive boy to an enlightened man.

At the beginning of the novel Dar and the Spear-thrower, Dar is very naive. Dar was talking to Mora when suddenly she yelled out. "Behind you-bear!” Dar spun around to see a large brown bear standing on its hind legs with its snout lifted to catch the scent of Mora's deerskin. Dar as usual, had left his spear in the tent. " (Cowley, 37) This reveals that Dar was childish and thinking he can handle things that he can't because he is working towards becoming a man. This also reveals that he is thinking he can take care of himself. On his journey to Toreg's camp Dar thought, "After the trade, he would have no way of starting a fire on his trip home. " (Cowley, 57) This exemplifies that Dar is childish and didn't think or plan ahead about his way back. This also reveals that Dar is inexperienced and too confident to go on his trip. This shows how Dar is very inexperienced, naive, and childish.

During the novel Dar and the Spear-Thrower he faced many challenges on his way to becoming enlightened. Dar arrived at Bone Lake but when he saw the two options he tried to go the hard way not the easy way, he quickly regretted the decision. "Dar walked over then fell in, 'the water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy in his very bones. " (Cowley, 59) This shows that Dar is very childish doing things that he shouldn't. This reveals that Dar is inexperienced and he cannot handle hard decisions. Dar faced another hard decision when he was deciding to leave Toreg's clan or stay with Seelan and Toreg. Dar had a tough time deciding he even had to dream about his decision. "If I stay, Dar said to himself,” Seelan and Toreg would become a part of my life and I'd be free of Kenok forever. " (Cowley, 99) Dar struggled to make the right decision whether to stay or leave. This shows that Dar has struggled to make a decision and he is confused. This reveals that Dar had to make many steps on his way to becoming enlightened.

Now in the novel Dar and the Spear-Thrower Dar becomes enlightened. On his way back from his hunt Dar was happy and tired. Dar walked over to Seelan and, "Dar put down his gear. ' I feel like a hunter, like a man. " (Cowley, 98) Dar was exhausted and happy but showed much different change then from the beginning. This shows that Dar has become enlightened by feeling like a man. Dar took many useful experiences with him when he went to Bone Lake; Dar was walking back from the journey, "When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around. His journey had almost ended there. He had learned some useful things from the experience. " (Cowley, 103) Dar learned from his lessons on the Bone Lake experience, which led him to almost being killed. This reveals that Dar turned more mature and experienced towards the end of the book. This shows that Dar had to face many challenges standing in his way from becoming naive to enlightened.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer selects several events to illustrate Dar’s journey from boyhood to manhood and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenarios in their minds. (“Dar arrived at Bone Lake but when he saw the two options he tried to go the hard way not the easy way, he quickly regretted the decision. ‘Dar walked over then fell in, 'the water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy in his very bones.’ (Cowley, 59) This shows that Dar is very childish doing things that he shouldn't. This reveals that Dar is inexperienced and he cannot handle hard decisions.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. He/she consistently devotes content to supporting the idea of Dar’s transformation from a naïve boy to an enlightened man. (“Dar faced another hard decision when he was deciding to leave Toreg's clan or stay with Seelan and Toreg. Dar had a tough time deciding he even had to dream about his decision. ‘If I stay, Dar said to himself,’ Seelan and Toreg would become a part of my life and I'd be free of Kenok forever.’(Cowley, 99) Dar struggled to make the right decision whether to stay or leave. This shows that Dar has struggled to make a decision and he is confused. This reveals that Dar had to make many steps on his way to becoming enlightened.”)

The writer focuses on a basic analysis of the text and uses relevant quotes and details from the story to support the central/controlling idea. (“‘Dar spun around to see a large brown bear standing on its hind legs with its snout lifted to catch the scent of Mora's deerskin. Dar as usual, had left his spear in the tent.’ (Cowley, 37) This reveals that Dar was childish and thinking he can handle things that he can't because he is working towards becoming a man. This also reveals that he is thinking he can take care of himself. On his journey to Toreg's camp Dar thought, ‘After the trade, he would have no way of starting a fire on his trip home.’(Cowley, 57)”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“At the beginning of the novel Dar and the Spear-thrower, Dar is very naive. Dar was talking to Mora when suddenly she yelled out. ‘Behind you-bear!’ Dar spun around to see a large brown bear standing on its hind legs with its snout lifted to catch the scent of Mora's deerskin. Dar as usual, had left his spear in the tent.’ (Cowley, 37) This reveals that Dar was childish and thinking he can handle things that he can't because he is working towards becoming a man.”)

The writer includes several relevant quotations by or about the main character from the text. (“Dar faced another hard decision when he was deciding to leave Toreg's clan or stay with Seelan and Toreg. Dar had a tough time deciding he even had to dream about his decision. ‘If I stay, Dar said to himself,’ Seelan and Toreg would become a part of my life and I'd be free of Kenok forever.’ (Cowley, 99) Dar struggled to make the right decision whether to stay or leave. This shows that Dar has struggled to make a decision and he is confused. This reveals that Dar had to make many steps on his way to becoming enlightened.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“Dar took many useful experiences with him when he went to Bone Lake; Dar was walking back from the journey, ‘When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around. His journey had almost ended there. He had learned some useful things from the experience.’ (Cowley, 103) Dar learned from his lessons on the Bone Lake experience, which led him to almost being killed. This reveals that Dar turned more mature and experienced towards the end of the book. This shows that Dar had to face many challenges standing in his way from becoming naive to enlightened.”)

Organization

The writer’s organization of content is adequate. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices used throughout the essay.

The writer engages the readers’ attention by describing a hunting scene and asserting a thesis at the end of the introduction. (“‘The young boy ran up to the circle with the other hunters to examine the carcasses and retrieve the spears. The young boy saw his own spear in the side of a large female and shouted in triumph. His success had to be shared with another hunter whose spear was also embedded in the same musk ox. At least his own throw had found its mark and had contributed to the kill.’ This hunting scene is from Dar and the Spear-Thrower a story about a young boy struggling to become a man. In the novel, Dar and the Spear Thrower by Marjorie Cowley, the main character Dar (the young boy) is transformed from a naive boy to an enlightened man. ”)

The writer employs some transitions to adequately connect ideas. (“At the beginning of the novel Dar and the Spear-thrower, Dar is very naive. Dar was talking to Mora when suddenly she yelled out. ‘Behind you-bear!’ Dar spun around to see a large brown bear standing on its hind legs with its snout lifted to catch the scent of Mora's deerskin. Dar as usual, had left his spear in the tent.’ (Cowley, 37) This reveals that Dar was childish and thinking he can handle things that he can't because he is working towards becoming a man. This also reveals that he is thinking he can take care of himself. ”)

The essay contains a brief but adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Dar learned from his lessons on the Bone Lake experience, which led him to almost being killed. This reveals that Dar turned more mature and experienced towards the end of the book. This shows that Dar had to face many challenges standing in his way from becoming naive to enlightened. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer provides appropriate language with some awareness of audience and control of voice. He/she generally uses correct sentence structures; however, sentence variety suffers due to repetition. The excessive use of phrases like “This shows…,” “ This reveals…,” and “ This exemplifies…” creates glaring repetition in the essay that detracts from the effectiveness of the overall intended message.

Sentence lengths and structures are very similar. Sentence variety would engage the readers' interest in the writer’s ideas in a more meaningful way. (“Dar was exhausted and happy but showed much different change then from the beginning. This shows that Dar has become enlightened by feeling like a man. Dar took many useful experiences with him when he went to Bone Lake; Dar was walking back from the journey, ‘When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around. His journey had almost ended there. He had learned some useful things from the experience.’ (Cowley, 103) ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explains the ways that Dar grows from a naïve boy to an enlightened man. (“During the novel Dar and the Spear-Thrower he faced many challenges on his way to becoming enlightened. Dar arrived at Bone Lake but when he saw the two options he tried to go the hard way not the easy way, he quickly regretted the decision. ‘Dar walked over then fell in, 'the water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy in his very bones.’(Cowley, 59) This shows that Dar is very childish doing things that he shouldn't. This reveals that Dar is inexperienced and he cannot handle hard decisions. Dar faced another hard decision when he was deciding to leave Toreg's clan or stay with Seelan and Toreg. Dar had a tough time deciding he even had to dream about his decision. ”)

Word choices are repetitive. The writer should discuss quotes and other evidence in a variety of ways to avoid leaving the readers with an overall repetitious feeling about the essay. (“This reveals that Dar was childish and thinking he can handle things that he can't because he is working towards becoming a man. This also reveals that he is thinking he can take care of himself. On his journey to Toreg's camp Dar thought, ‘After the trade, he would have no way of starting a fire on his trip home.’ (Cowley, 57) This exemplifies that Dar is childish and didn't think or plan ahead about his way back. This also reveals that Dar is inexperienced and too confident to go on his trip. This shows how Dar is very inexperienced, naive, and childish. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. (“During the novel Dar and the Spear-Thrower he faced many challenges on his way to becoming enlightened. Dar arrived at Bone Lake but when he saw the two options he tried to go the hard way not the easy way, he quickly regretted the decision. ‘Dar walked over then fell in, 'the water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy in his very bones.’ (Cowley, 59) This shows that Dar is very childish doing things that he shouldn't. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Naive, Brave, Diffedent. These three words describes Dar in Dar and the Spear-Thrower. A young boy living thousands of years ago in France who is iniated to become a man . The boy named Dar goes on a journey to a strangers camp to trade a sunstone for a Spear-Thower. Dar confronts many challenges that transforms him from a fearful boy to a courgaious man.

In the begining, Dar never wanted to become a man, in fact he wasn't one, he lacked confidence and was naive. First of all, Dar was frightened to become a man he would have to give up doing the morning fire and carving for hunting when he becomes one. this shows he doesn't want to give up the morning fire and carvings but, kenok, his uncle, says when he becomes a man he has to do hunting. This illustrates Kenok thinks Dar will miss the child stuff and not be a good hunter and not become a man. '''Dar was full or fears about how good a hunter he would be'''. This means he was scared about becoming a man, and he didn't know how to become one. This proves he was worthless to kenok, he thought. In these chapters he was not enthusiastic and naive to become a man.

Dar faces many challenges that help him grow and mature. "' Dar knew his uncle would tell him to walk around the lake but, why waste the time if he could just walk across"'? This shows he thinks that now he is a man he will not have to follow the rules of kenok. This proves he is strong enough to be a man but, not smart enough to be on his own. "' Abruptly, the thin ice broke through and Dar plunged into the frezzing water. The water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy cold in his very bones"'. This illistrates he didn't follow his uncles rules to go around the lake. This means he didn't trust kenok's rules but, he plunged into the lake. In these chapter dar faces his fear to become a man but, is still childish is in his own way.

By the end of his joureny, Dar has transformed into a brave and coragions man. "'Adulthood doesn't come with initation. the ceremony is only a signal that you are ready to earn it that is what you have been doing Dar"'. This shows he is a man but, doesn't show it. This highlights he has courage to become a man. "'When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around"'. This states he has leraned to take the long way because of the thing in the past. This highlights he is learning from mistakes. Dar is turned into a courageious man.

Brave, Changed, Different. Dar is changed into a courageless boy into a courageious man. Dar confronts many challenges in his journey. And its a journey to become a man. A courageious man. Dar and the spear-thrower is about a boy who went though a change from him being a fearful boy to a fearless man in Dar, Dar and the spear-thrower.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few or vague connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea in the essay. (“The boy named Dar goes on a journey to a strangers camp to trade a sunstone for a Spear-Thower. Dar confronts many challenges that transforms him from a fearful boy to a courgaious man.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of Dar’s challenges that move him toward manhood, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“First of all, Dar was frightened to become a man he would have to give up doing the morning fire and carving for hunting when he becomes one. this shows he doesn't want to give up the morning fire and carvings but, kenok, his uncle, says when he becomes a man he has to do hunting. This illustrates Kenok thinks Dar will miss the child stuff and not be a good hunter and not become a man.”)

Although the writer manages to address some of the struggles of the main character, he/she does not maintain enough focus on pivotal events in the story for the readers to relate to Dar’s transformation from a naïve boy to a responsible man. (“By the end of his joureny, Dar has transformed into a brave and coragions man. ‘Adulthood doesn't come with initation. the ceremony is only a signal that you are ready to earn it that is what you have been doing Dar’. This shows he is a man but, doesn't show it. This highlights he has courage to become a man. ‘When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around’. This states he has leraned to take the long way because of the thing in the past. This highlights he is learning from mistakes. Dar is turned into a courageious man.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes few details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Dar faces many challenges that help him grow and mature. ‘Dar knew his uncle would tell him to walk around the lake but, why waste the time if he could just walk across’? This shows he thinks that now he is a man he will not have to follow the rules of kenok. This proves he is strong enough to be a man but, not smart enough to be on his own.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In the begining, Dar never wanted to become a man, in fact he wasn't one, he lacked confidence and was naive. First of all, Dar was frightened to become a man he would have to give up doing the morning fire and carving for hunting when he becomes one. this shows he doesn't want to give up the morning fire and carvings but, kenok, his uncle, says when he becomes a man he has to do hunting.”)

Many of the writer’s ideas are repetitive and do not connect to each other in ways that would effectively illustrate Dar’s transformation from a boy to a man. (“By the end of his joureny, Dar has transformed into a brave and coragions man. ‘Adulthood doesn't come with initation. the ceremony is only a signal that you are ready to earn it that is what you have been doing Dar’. This shows he is a man but, doesn't show it. This highlights he has courage to become a man. ‘When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around’. This states he has leraned to take the long way because of the thing in the past. This highlights he is learning from mistakes. Dar is turned into a courageious man.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing, and the writer uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The introduction is difficult to understand; however, the writer does manage to assert a limited controlling idea. (“Naive, Brave, Diffedent. These three words describes Dar in Dar and the Spear-Thrower. A young boy living thousands of years ago in France who is iniated to become a man . The boy named Dar goes on a journey to a strangers camp to trade a sunstone for a Spear-Thower. Dar confronts many challenges that transforms him from a fearful boy to a courgaious man.”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Dar faces many challenges that help him grow and mature. ‘Dar knew his uncle would tell him to walk around the lake but, why waste the time if he could just walk across’? This shows he thinks that now he is a man he will not have to follow the rules of kenok. This proves he is strong enough to be a man but, not smart enough to be on his own. ‘Abruptly, the thin ice broke through and Dar plunged into the frezzing water. The water closed over his head and soon he felt the icy cold in his very bones’. This illistrates he didn't follow his uncles rules to go around the lake.”) Using transitional devices would help the writer move from one main idea to the next in the essay.

The conclusion only serves to echo the introduction and does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“Brave, Changed, Different. Dar is changed into a courageless boy into a courageious man. Dar confronts many challenges in his journey. And its a journey to become a man. A courageious man. Dar and the spear-thrower is about a boy who went though a change from him being a fearful boy to a fearless man in Dar, Dar and the spear-thrower.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the essay. He/she reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on using simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are syntactical issues in many portions of the essay that affect the meaning. (“Naive, Brave, Diffedent. These three words describes Dar in Dar and the Spear-Thrower. A young boy living thousands of years ago in France who is iniated to become a man . The boy named Dar goes on a journey to a strangers camp to trade a sunstone for a Spear-Thower.”)

There are weak sentence structures in the essay. (“First of all, Dar was frightened to become a man he would have to give up doing the morning fire and carving for hunting when he becomes one. this shows he doesn't want to give up the morning fire and carvings but, kenok, his uncle, says when he becomes a man he has to do hunting. This illustrates Kenok thinks Dar will miss the child stuff and not be a good hunter and not become a man. ”)

There is repetition in the writer’s ideas and word choices. In particular, the writer overuses the phrases “This shows…,” “This proves…,” and “This means …,” which detract from the flow and sequence of ideas. (“this shows he doesn't want to give up the morning fire and carvings but, kenok, his uncle, says when he becomes a man he has to do hunting. This illustrates Kenok thinks Dar will miss the child stuff and not be a good hunter and not become a man. ‘Dar was full or fears about how good a hunter he would be’. This means he was scared about becoming a man, and he didn't know how to become one. This proves he was worthless to kenok, he thought. In these chapters he was not enthusiastic and naive to become a man.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. (“By the end of his joureny, Dar has transformed into a brave and coragions man. ‘Adulthood doesn't come with initation. the ceremony is only a signal that you are ready to earn it that is what you have been doing Dar'. This shows he is a man but, doesn't show it. This highlights he has courage to become a man. ‘When he came to Bone Lake he took the long way around’. This states he has leraned to take the long way because of the thing in the past.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dar the Brave

In life, you just have the felling of becoming a man and people say that you will never be a man. In the story Dar and the Spear-Thrower by Majorie. The main character Dar goes on a dangerous adventure to get the spear thrower and trade it for his dad's sun stone. Throughout the story, Dar transforms from a responsible trusted kid into a brave young man.

In the beginning, Dar is responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar doesn't do it. Dar woke up in the morning and it was cold and Dar had to put the morning fire but Dar had to hurry because it was already freezing cold. '''Dar hurried to the fire pit in the center of the tent'''(21). Dar was responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar didn't do it.

In the end, Dar turned into a brave young man because he won the test if he was going to be a man. Dar was told that he was going to be in a competition if he was going to be a man and Dar passed the man test. '''I felt like a man'''(99). Dar was brave at the end because he faced a test if he was going to be a man and he dominated the test.

In conclusion, Dar was a responsible grown man into a brave scare less man. After Dar being a responsible little kid even though he didn't do most of the stuff but in his dreams he thought of being a man and look at him now he is a man. Is there a certain age when a male becomes a man? Every person is a different. A boy becomes a man by respect doing what they're supposed to do and being ready for everything.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the writer's essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions Dar’s transformation “from a responsible, trusted kid into a brave, young man.” However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the essay is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Dar was told that he was going to be in a competition if he was going to be a man and Dar passed the man test. ‘I felt like a man’(99). Dar was brave at the end because he faced a test if he was going to be a man and he dominated the test.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of the audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand his/her ideas for Dar’s journey from boyhood into manhood. (“Is there a certain age when a male becomes a man? Every person is a different. A boy becomes a man by respect doing what they're supposed to do and being ready for everything.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain Dar’s journey and transformation from a boy to a man. (“Dar was responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar didn't do it. In the end, Dar turned into a brave young man because he won the test if he was going to be a man. Dar was told that he was going to be in a competition if he was going to be a man and Dar passed the man test. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. For example, the writer seems to be attempting to address the event when Dar had to put on the morning fire for the clan, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“In the beginning, Dar is responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar doesn't do it. Dar woke up in the morning and it was cold and Dar had to put the morning fire but Dar had to hurry because it was already freezing cold. ‘Dar hurried to the fire pit in the center of the tent’(21). Dar was responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar didn't do it.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In the end, Dar turned into a brave young man because he won the test if he was going to be a man. Dar was told that he was going to be in a competition if he was going to be a man and Dar passed the man test. ‘I felt like a man’(99). Dar was brave at the end because he faced a test if he was going to be a man and he dominated the test.”)

The supporting ideas in the body paragraphs are only minimally developed; they do not effectively sustain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Dar was a responsible grown man into a brave scare less man. After Dar being a responsible little kid even though he didn't do most of the stuff but in his dreams he thought of being a man and look at him now he is a man.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. However, there is some attempt to employ paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In life, you just have the felling of becoming a man and people say that you will never be a man. In the story Dar and the Spear-Thrower by Majorie. The main character Dar goes on a dangerous adventure to get the spear thrower and trade it for his dad's sun stone. Throughout the story, Dar transforms from a responsible trusted kid into a brave young man.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental events the writer is focusing on in the literary selection. However, simple transitions are included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“In the beginning, Dar is responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar doesn't do it. Dar woke up in the morning and it was cold and Dar had to put the morning fire but Dar had to hurry because it was already freezing cold. ‘Dar hurried to the fire pit in the center of the tent’(21). Dar was responsible for everything but, most of the time Dar didn't do it.”)

The essay’s conclusion attempts to summarize the main idea of the essay and leave readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, Dar was a responsible grown man into a brave scare less man. After Dar being a responsible little kid even though he didn't do most of the stuff but in his dreams he thought of being a man and look at him now he is a man. Is there a certain age when a male becomes a man? Every person is a different. A boy becomes a man by respect doing what they're supposed to do and being ready for everything.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“Dar was brave at the end because he faced a test if he was going to be a man and he dominated the test. ”)

Exact words are missing and incorrect word selections are employed in portions of the essay. (“…Dar was a responsible grown man into a brave scare less man. After Dar being a responsible little kid even though he didn't do most of the stuff but in his dreams he thought of being a man and look at him now he is a man. ”)

There is repetition. (“In the end, Dar turned into a brave young man because he won the test if he was going to be a man. Dar was told that he was going to be in a competition if he was going to be a man and Dar passed the man test. ‘I felt like a man’(99). Dar was brave at the end because he faced a test if he was going to be a man and he dominated the test. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. (“In life, you just have the felling of becoming a man and people say that you will never be a man. In the story Dar and the Spear-Thrower by Majorie.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dar is unsure about becoming man, but he is also excited. He is scared because there is many of responsibility of being a man, but he is excited because he will be able to live without having to follow kenok's rules.

Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down while Dar was carving and then kenok comes and says "We don't need a carver we need a hunter, toolmaker, a provider. we cant eat a carving. " That is why dar and his uncle don't get along. Dar cant become a man because he still has child.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental events the writer is attempting to focus on that contributed to Dar’s evolution from boy to man. The essay is unfocused, and the ideas are unorganized. (“He is scared because there is many of responsibility of being a man, but he is excited because he will be able to live without having to follow kenok's rules.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down…”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The essay lacks effective development of ideas. The writer uses no meaningful references to the text to support his/her assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer does not include adequate details in the essay that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“He is scared because there is many of responsibility of being a man, but he is excited because he will be able to live without having to follow kenok's rules.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“That is why dar and his uncle don't get along. Dar cant become a man because he still has child.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down while Dar was carving and then kenok comes and says ‘We don't need a carver we need a hunter, toolmaker, a provider. we cant eat a carving.’”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The essay does not demonstrate any evidence of a unified structure; there is no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Dar is unsure about becoming man, but he is also excited. He is scared because there is many of responsibility of being a man, but he is excited because he will be able to live without having to follow kenok's rules. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down while Dar was carving and then kenok comes and says ‘We don't need a carver we need a hunter, toolmaker, a provider. we cant eat a carving.’ ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the writer move from one main idea to the next in the essay. Transitional words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The writer does not include a strong conclusion in the essay. (“That is why dar and his uncle don't get along. Dar cant become a man because he still has child. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s word choices are simple and repetitive. (“Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down while Dar was carving and then kenok comes and says ‘We don't need a carver we need a hunter, toolmaker, a provider. we cant eat a carving.’ ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“He is scared because there is many of responsibility of being a man, but he is excited because he will be able to live without having to follow kenok's rules. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“That is why dar and his uncle don't get along. Dar cant become a man because he still has child. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. (“Dar is not confident because he has a mean uncle named kenok who is always putting him down while Dar was carving and then kenok comes and says ‘We don't need a carver we need a hunter, toolmaker, a provider. we cant eat a carving.'”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Echo and Narcissus”

The mythical story "Echo and Narcissus" tells of the tragic ending of Echo, who could only speak what she heard due to her excessive talking, and Narcissus, who was cursed because he only loved himself.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you defend or refute the punishments that these characters faced. Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The mythical story "Echo and Narcissus" articulates the devastating end of Echo and Narcissus. Echo could only repeat what others said before her, thus creating the word echo, which means to repeat what is said before you. On the other hand, Narcissus was doomed to stare at himself for eternity, mesmerized by his own complexion, thus creating the word narcissism, which means to be obsessed with yourself. I firmly believe that neither of them deserved their shrewd, yet unjust, punishments.

Echo received her punishment because Zeus constantly went to Earth to mingle with the nymphs and mortals. He needed someone to stall his envious wife, Hera, from finding him. He assigned this dreadful task to Echo; she had to obey the god of all gods and ruler of the sky for fear that he would zap her with his toxic lightning bolt. Echo told Hera a tale so stimulating that she forgot all about her cheating husband, Zeus. But soon, near the ending of Echo's fascinating story, she remembered why she was there in the dark and dingy woods. As a result, she was extremely furious with Echo. Hera punished her accordingly by not allowing her tell another of her engrossing tales, only permitting her to speak the words of others before her.

Echo doesn't deserve this punishment; if she defied Zeus, the almighty god of all gods, and commander of the sky, he could have done something to her so harsh that Hera's devastating punishments seem puny--- and even nice--- compared to his. For example, he could have tied her to a rock, and let a vulture pick at her liver until she begged for death, just as he did to the man who stole fire from the gods, Prometheus. Or, perhaps, he would have made her push a boulder up a very steep hill, and just as she was about to reach the top, it would come tumbling down on him, just as he punished Sisyphus, a king who needed an attitude adjustment. If she obeyed Zeus, she would get in trouble with Hera. Nonetheless, if she didn't obey Zeus, she wouldn't have had to deal with Hera's wrath. However, she would have had to deal with Zeus's anger, which has been proven to be much more arduous a task. So, either way, she would have gotten in trouble.

Narcissus got his punishment simply because when he was born, his mother went to the Oracle of Delphi. The oracle, or the fortune teller, said (in that spooky voice fortune tellers always seem to have) that he would live to a ripe old age as long as he never knew himself. Narcissus was extremely handsome, and grew even more attractive as he got older. He had many admirers, both male and female; one of his many admirers was Echo. Nevertheless, when Echo approached Narcissus, he told her to get lost and she left, tears rolling down her pale cheeks like a thunder storm, her heart aching for someone and something she could only dream of. So, she resorted to exploring empty caves and mountains for the rest of her life.

One of Narcissus's most devoted admirers, a man whose name was lost in the history books, always wanted his attention. So, egotistical Narcissus sent him an extremely sharp sword and told him to prove that he loved him. The dedicated follower plunged the sword in his heart faithfully, but not until he asked the Greek gods to punish Narcissus for his selfish actions. Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, heard his prayer, and the next day, when Narcissus was getting an ice cold drink from the stream flowing gently by the village, he saw his reflection and almost instantly fell in love. He had never seen his own face before, for there were no mirrors in his time, so you can imagine how astonished he could have been to see the face that had broken so many hearts. However, when he reached out to touch the gorgeous creature, it would disappear in a ripple of water. When he bent over, it looked like those miraculously soft, pink lips were going to kiss him, but again, the marvelous being disappeared. He continued on like this for hours, eager to touch the attractive human, and when, at last, he realized that the person was him, and was being tortured by his own reflection, he pulled his dagger out from the brown leather belt around his slim waist and promptly killed himself, but not before a last goodbye to his reflection escaped his mouth.

Narcissus didn't deserve his punishment; it wasn't his fault he couldn't fall in love with any of his adorers. He rejected them because he didn't like any of them, not out of pure selfishness. Narcissus just couldn't stand it anymore when his faithful followers kept pestering him for attention. So, he sent him a sword, and told him to prove his love. The man took this to mean that he should commit suicide, but the message could have a plethora of meanings. Perhaps Narcissus meant for him to use the sword gallantly in battle, and make himself worthy of Narcissus's love. Nonetheless, what has been done has been done, and Narcissus was cursed to feel how all of his followers had felt, to want something with a fiery burning passion, but you could never have it, until he was driven to the same tragic and awful fate as his admirer.

Therefore, I firmly believe that neither Echo nor Narcissus deserved their horrid and awful endings to what should have been splendid lives, because both circumstances were inescapable and inevitable.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. He/she establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer clearly communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she clearly outlines the context of each character’s punishment with clear and very descriptive details. (“Echo received her punishment because Zeus constantly went to Earth to mingle with the nymphs and mortals. He needed someone to stall his envious wife, Hera, from finding him. He assigned this dreadful task to Echo; she had to obey the god of all gods and ruler of the sky for fear that he would zap her with his toxic lightning bolt.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on refuting each mythological character’s punishment. (“Echo doesn't deserve this punishment; if she defied Zeus, the almighty god of all gods, and commander of the sky, he could have done something to her so harsh that Hera's devastating punishments seem puny--- and even nice--- compared to his.”)

The direct language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“I firmly believe that neither of them deserved their shrewd, yet unjust, punishments. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the background of the story. (“One of Narcissus's most devoted admirers, a man whose name was lost in the history books, always wanted his attention. So, egotistical Narcissus sent him an extremely sharp sword and told him to prove that he loved him. The dedicated follower plunged the sword in his heart faithfully, but not until he asked the Greek gods to punish Narcissus for his selfish actions.”)

The essay contains important details that substantiate Echo’s unjust punishment, further supporting the thesis statement. (“For example, he could have tied her to a rock, and let a vulture pick at her liver until she begged for death, just as he did to the man who stole fire from the gods, Prometheus. Or, perhaps, he would have made her push a boulder up a very steep hill, and just as she was about to reach the top, it would come tumbling down on him, just as he punished Sisyphus, a king who needed an attitude adjustment.”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“Narcissus didn't deserve his punishment; it wasn't his fault he couldn't fall in love with any of his adorers. He rejected them because he didn't like any of them, not out of pure selfishness. Narcissus just couldn't stand it anymore when his faithful followers kept pestering him for attention.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the mythical origins of the words “echo” and “narcissism.” (“The mythical story ‘Echo and Narcissus’ articulates the devastating end of Echo and Narcissus. Echo could only repeat what others said before her, thus creating the word echo, which means to repeat what is said before you. On the other hand, Narcissus was doomed to stare at himself for eternity, mesmerized by his own complexion, thus creating the word narcissism, which means to be obsessed with yourself. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively and promote a sense of flow within the response. (“Echo told Hera a tale so stimulating that she forgot all about her cheating husband, Zeus. But soon, near the ending of Echo's fascinating story, she remembered why she was there in the dark and dingy woods. As a result, she was extremely furious with Echo. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that underscores the gravity of each character’s punishment. (“Therefore, I firmly believe that neither Echo nor Narcissus deserved their horrid and awful endings to what should have been splendid lives, because both circumstances were inescapable and inevitable. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the Echo and Narcissus myths in order to create a sense of understanding between the reader and the writer. (“He continued on like this for hours, eager to touch the attractive human, and when, at last, he realized that the person was him, and was being tortured by his own reflection, he pulled his dagger out from the brown leather belt around his slim waist and promptly killed himself, but not before a last goodbye to his reflection escaped his mouth. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the characters for the readers so that by the end of the response, readers understand the context of Echo and Narcissus’s punishments. (“He had never seen his own face before, for there were no mirrors in his time, so you can imagine how astonished he could have been to see the face that had broken so many hearts. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“However, when he reached out to touch the gorgeous creature, it would disappear in a ripple of water. When he bent over, it looked like those miraculously soft, pink lips were going to kiss him, but again, the marvelous being disappeared.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“…Narcissus was cursed to feel how all of his followers had felt, to want something with a fiery burning passion, but you could never have it, until he was driven to the same tragic and awful fate as his admirer.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Greek myths are tales of the twelve mighty gods who stand tall on Mount Olympus. These stories often tell of the extreme consequences dealt out by the gods to mortals. Many of the punishments were far worse than the crimes. They were warnings that the mortals should not anger the gods because they would always have supreme power over them. An example of this is the tragic story of Echo and Narcissus, two mythical characters who received harsh punishments as a result of their personality traits. These outcomes were much more brutal than was called for.

Echo was a Greek nymph who lived in the forest. "She was a gay nymph who chattered and prattled all day long and never kept quiet." Zeus, the mightiest of the Gods, liked to come down from Mount Olympus to visit and play with the nymphs. His jealous wife, Hera, disliked this and would try to catch him with the nymphs. One day, Echo was rambling on to Hera for such a long time that Zeus was able to slip away while she was distracted. Hera was furious. Out of anger, Hera took away poor Echo's ability to form her own words. Echo was only able to repeat the words that she heard.

Narcissus was a young Greek boy who was cursed with being self-centered and egotistical. Echo was in love with him, but he noticed no one but himself. Following Narcissus one evening, Echo hoped that he would say something nice to her so she could repeat it back to him. Narcissus came upon a pool, allowing him to see his own reflection for the first time. Narcissus fell deeply in love with, "The handsomest face he had ever seen." He sat smiling at himself, forgetting to eat or drink until he died, leaving a flower in his place. Heartbroken, Echo sobbed by the flower until she also faded away.

The punishment doled out to Echo was excessively cruel. Hera took away her free speech when all she did was talk too much. This kind of consequence might be deserved in a case of murder, but not for excessive chatter. Today, that would be the equivalent of getting expelled for talking in class. Narcissus didn't get what he deserved either. Moreover, being overly obsessed with yourself is not worthy of death. "He did not know that it was his own image that he had fallen in love with." When he simply stared at his reflection in the pond, the gods slowly killed him. Again, Narcissus did not commit any crime or disrespect the gods in any way; he shouldn't have been sentenced to death.

In conclusion, the tale of Echo and Narcissus displays the gods' power over the people of Greece. The gods treated the mortals as inconsequential and often killed them on a whim. Usually, these tragic endings were undeserved. Echo and Narcissus are examples of this theme that is repeated throughout Greek mythology.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on refuting the punishments “doled” out to the characters, Echo and Narcissus. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“The punishment doled out to Echo was excessively cruel. Hera took away her free speech when all she did was talk too much. This kind of consequence might be deserved in a case of murder, but not for excessive chatter. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Echo was a Greek nymph who lived in the forest. ‘She was a gay nymph who chattered and prattled all day long and never kept quiet.’ ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea of tragic character flaws, which are the catalysts for unjust punishments. (“Again, Narcissus did not commit any crime or disrespect the gods in any way; he shouldn't have been sentenced to death. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed by using a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the plot. (“Following Narcissus one evening, Echo hoped that he would say something nice to her so she could repeat it back to him. Narcissus came upon a pool, allowing him to see his own reflection for the first time. Narcissus fell deeply in love...”) The details within the response help readers to understand the context of each character’s punishment.

The essay includes specific details, paraphrasing of dialogue, or direct quotes (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Moreover, being overly obsessed with yourself is not worthy of death. ‘He did not know that it was his own image that he had fallen in love with.’ When he simply stared at his reflection in the pond, the gods slowly killed him. ”) The writer helps readers make a realistic connection to the myth by emphasizing a universal character flaw.

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Echo was a Greek nymph who lived in the forest. …Out of anger, Hera took away poor Echo's ability to form her own words. Echo was only able to repeat the words that she heard.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay by using a brief overview of Greek mythology. (“Greek myths are tales of the twelve mighty gods who stand tall on Mount Olympus. These stories often tell of the extreme consequences dealt out by the gods to mortals. Many of the punishments were far worse than the crimes. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well to show how ideas are connected to one another. (“Narcissus didn't get what he deserved either. Moreover, being overly obsessed with yourself is not worthy of death. ”) The writer uses effective transitions to improve the sequence and flow of the response.

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The gods treated the mortals as inconsequential and often killed them on a whim. Usually, these tragic endings were undeserved. Echo and Narcissus are examples of this theme that is repeated throughout Greek mythology. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“In conclusion, the tale of Echo and Narcissus displays the gods' power over the people of Greece. Many of the punishments were far worse than the crimes. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response that presents an overview of the purpose of Greek mythology. (“They were warnings that the mortals should not anger the gods because they would always have supreme power over them. An example of this is the tragic story of Echo and Narcissus, two mythical characters who received harsh punishments as a result of their personality traits.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The punishment doled out to Echo was excessively cruel. Hera took away her free speech when all she did was talk too much. This kind of consequence might be deserved in a case of murder, but not for excessive chatter. Today, that would be the equivalent of getting expelled for talking in class. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“Zeus, the mightiest of the Gods, liked to come down from Mount Olympus to visit and play with the nymphs”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think a fair punishment should reflect a person's actions, and teach them a lesson. Narcissus's punishment was good because it did reflect his actions. He made Echo suffer from heartbreak, and that's what happened to him. On the contrary, Echo's punishment was not fair, and it did not at all reflect her actions. She was very talkative, but she didn't commit enough harm to people to receive a punishment as horrendous as the one Hera gave her, the inability to say her own words, and to repeat the words of others. She was unable to have a freedom of speech even though she was talking to Hera for a good reason.

In my opinion, karma is the best, and the fairest of all punishments. The bad that you have done in your past will return to haunt you. Narcissus made Echo's life brief by causing her heart to break. The punishment he got was COMPLETELY fair. Because he committed the harm he did to Echo, he had his life shortened by the God of love. Another example of an acceptable punishment is a man who shot another man, and he got murdered as his punishment. The harm that they gave to others returned to hit them in the butt. The punishments they got were exactly what they deserved. There was a time when one of my friends had a bad day, so he took it out on one of his peers. For that he got suspended from school. My friend's experience is another example of fair punishments mirroring the harm he did to the kid. The foolish actions that my friend, and Narcissus committed caused them to get punished, but at least they got punished fairly unlike Echo who got punished very unfairly.

Echo's punishment differs from Narcissus's punishment because of the level of fairness. Echo's punishment was NOT fair because she was just an excessive talker, and giving her the disability to talk for herself is VERY cruel. Her punishment reminds me of a man I saw on the news who stole a chocolate bar, and for that he was sent to prison for countless years. They both got punished severely for pointless and harmless doings. The story states that Echo was trying to assist Zeus, and that's the reason why she was being a nuisance to Hera. It's not fair to blame Echo for trying to defend Zeus. If Hera should be furious at anyone, she should be at Zeus because he advised Echo to distract Hera. Since Echo's mission was to help Zeus, in my opinion, she shouldn't have gotten the punishment at all. A fair warning is all she needed.

In conclusion, a fair punishment has to consist of the same level of punishment the victim got due to that person. Narcissus's actions and punishment was at the same level making it fair for him. He made Echo die so after that he himself died for it. Echo, on the other hand, was only very talkative, but received a punishment way too harsh. The punishment that Echo got does not reflect her actions. In fact, I consider it very unfair. Her punishment was at a very high level compared to Narcissus's punishment, which was completely fair. Echo was actually trying to assist the God of gods, which is a good thing, but Narcissus wanted Echo to feel pain, and heartbreak.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of Echo and Narcissus’s punishments and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“Narcissus's punishment was good because it did reflect his actions. He made Echo suffer from heartbreak, and that's what happened to him. On the contrary, Echo's punishment was not fair, and it did not at all reflect her actions. She was very talkative, but she didn't commit enough harm to people to receive a punishment as horrendous as the one Hera gave her, the inability to say her own words, and to repeat the words of others.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer maintains focus on the connection between punishments and lessons. (“I think a fair punishment should reflect a person's actions, and teach them a lesson.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of an analogy to support his/her position. It is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“In my opinion, karma is the best, and the fairest of all punishments.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“Echo's punishment was NOT fair because she was just an excessive talker, and giving her the disability to talk for herself is VERY cruel. Her punishment reminds me of a man I saw on the news who stole a chocolate bar, and for that he was sent to prison for countless years. They both got punished severely for pointless and harmless doings.”)

The essay paraphrases events about the main character from the text. (“Narcissus made Echo's life brief by causing her heart to break. The punishment he got was COMPLETELY fair. Because he committed the harm he did to Echo, he had his life shortened by the God of love.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“The story states that Echo was trying to assist Zeus, and that's the reason why she was being a nuisance to Hera. It's not fair to blame Echo for trying to defend Zeus. If Hera should be furious at anyone, she should be at Zeus because he advised Echo to distract Hera. Since Echo's mission was to help Zeus, in my opinion, she shouldn't have gotten the punishment at all. A fair warning is all she needed.”) The writer attempts to provide context for the character’s punishment in order to reinforce the idea that the penalty did not fit the action.

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction with a bold statement. (“I think a fair punishment should reflect a person's actions, and teach them a lesson. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that summarizes the response. (“The punishment that Echo got does not reflect her actions. In fact, I consider it very unfair. Her punishment was at a very high level compared to Narcissus's punishment, which was completely fair. Echo was actually trying to assist the God of gods, which is a good thing, but Narcissus wanted Echo to feel pain, and heartbreak. ”) The writer could create a more meaningful conclusion by giving readers something to reflect on.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. He/she provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied to help keep readers engaged in the response. (“He made Echo die so after that he himself died for it. Echo, on the other hand, was only very talkative, but received a punishment way too harsh. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from an analytical perspective. (“The punishment that Echo got does not reflect her actions. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“There was a time when one of my friends had a bad day, so he took it out on one of his peers. For that he got suspended from school. My friend's experience is another example of fair punishments mirroring the harm he did to the kid. ”) The writer should use elevated diction within his/her response to create a more sophisticated essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I agree with the punishment that Echo, and Narcissus had gotten. Echo deserved that punishment because she talked way to much, and also she made the Hera upset. Narcissus deserved his punishment because he was too self centered, and he didn't love anyone but himself.

I believed that Echo got what she deserved because if she should'nt have been talking so much thern she would'nt have gotten cursed. Another, reason I think that she got what she deserved was because she even made Hera, Zeus wife upset with all her talking, and that's not good. So I believe if she didn't talk so much then she wouldn't have cursed in the first place. In the long run Echo got what she deserved in my opinion.

I belived that Narcissus punishment was WONDERFUL for him because he was self-centered, and didn't love anyone expect himself. Being self-centered isn't good nor is loving nobody expect yourself that's just rude in my opinion. The way he was being to Echo was mean, and cruel. Overrall, his punishment was good because he is mean, and cruel, self-centered. Narcissus punishment was great because he deserved it.

Overall, I believe that Echo, and Narcissus deserved their punishments. Echo deserved her punishment because she talking too much, and made Hera upset everytime she spoke. Narcissus deserved his punishment because he was self-centered, and didn't love anyone expect himself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“I agree with the punishment that Echo, and Narcissus had gotten.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing Echo and Narcissus’s transgressions, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“So I believe if she didn't talk so much then she wouldn't have cursed in the first place.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the theme of character flaws within the response. (“Being self-centered isn't good nor is loving nobody expect yourself that's just rude in my opinion.”) Although the writer provides readers with a strong opinion about the characters in the text, he/she does not use enough details from the literary selection to support the focus of his/her response.

Content & Development

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“I believed that Echo got what she deserved because if she should'nt have been talking so much thern she would'nt have gotten cursed.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The way he was being to Echo was mean, and cruel.”) He/she should include more facts and examples to support the controlling idea or thesis statement.

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“I belived that Narcissus punishment was WONDERFUL for him because he was self-centered, and didn't love anyone expect himself.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by making a bold statement. (“I agree with the punishment that Echo, and Narcissus had gotten.”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Overrall, his punishment was good because he is mean, and cruel, self-centered. Narcissus punishment was great because he deserved it.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to summarize the response as it draws to a close. (“Echo deserved her punishment because she talking too much, and made Hera upset everytime she spoke. Narcissus deserved his punishment because he was self-centered, and didn't love anyone expect himself.”) The conclusion does not encourage readers to think, act, or consider a lesson by the end of the response.

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice; but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“Another, reason I think that she got what she deserved was because she even made Hera, Zeus wife upset with all her talking, and that's not good.”) The writer should separate a run-on sentence into two or more shorter sentences since it contains more than one idea.

Although the writer manages to suggest a judgmental tone about the main characters’ flaws, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the offenses of each character. (“ I belived that Narcissus punishment was WONDERFUL for him because he was self-centered, and didn't love anyone expect himself. ”)

Many sentences in the essay have weak structure and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“Being self-centered isn't good nor is loving nobody expect yourself that's just rude in my opinion. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story "Echo and Narcissus" it tells the tragic ending of both their lives. By taking life lesson and made up god and goddess putting them together and making these myths.

I disagree with the punishment they had to go through. Echo was an excessive talker she was cursed by only repeating words that other people said. Narcissus was cursed by loving himself to to two much. Echo was eaten up by love her last words before she died was farewell my love farewell because that is what Narcissus said. Narcissus would leave the pool side because he loved himself to much so he died of starvation.

This myth teaches you by loving yourself to much you could end up like Narcissus. Over talking will end you up like Echo but, this is a myth so this isn't what you end up like.

The Greek mythology just takes life lessons and made up god and goddess puts them together and get a myth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the characters and punishment of Echo and Narcissus, but because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“This myth teaches you by loving yourself to much you could end up like Narcissus. Over talking will end you up like Echo but, this is a myth so this isn't what you end up like.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas as to whether Echo and Narcissus deserved their punishments. (“By taking life lesson and made up god and goddess putting them together and making these myths.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“Narcissus would leave the pool side because he loved himself to much so he died of starvation. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address whether Echo and Narcissus’s punishment is fair, but the response falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“I disagree with the punishment they had to go through. Echo was an excessive talker she was cursed by only repeating words that other people said.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“This myth teaches you by loving yourself to much you could end up like Narcissus.”) Although the response attempts to provide a lesson to the readers, the writer’s brief response leaves readers confused.

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Echo was eaten up by love her last words before she died was farewell my love farewell because that is what Narcissus said. Narcissus would leave the pool side because he loved himself to much so he died of starvation.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction that engages the readers, such as a question, quotation, or fact that relates to the topic. (“ In this story ‘Echo and Narcissus’ it tells the tragic ending of both their lives. ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the literary selection. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences to show how ideas are connected. (“This myth teaches you by loving yourself to much you could end up like Narcissus. Over talking will end you up like Echo but, this is a myth so this isn't what you end up like.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“The Greek mythology just takes life lessons and made up god and goddess puts them together and get a myth.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice and little awareness of audience. He/she also commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Echo was an excessive talker she was cursed by only repeating words that other people said. ”) The writer should separate a run-on sentence into two or more shorter sentences since it contains more than one idea.

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are found in many of the sentences throughout the essay. (“Echo was eaten up by love her last words before she died was farewell my love farewell because that is what Narcissus said. ”) The writer should employ the use of dialogue tags to clarify what each character says.

There is repetition. (“Narcissus was cursed by loving himself to to two much. ”) Although repetition can sometimes add emphasis to a word or idea, the repetition found in this response is redundant.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble.

Narcissus he is a player and he love the girl they let them go and they almost kill there self and he love boy to them he play on the boy how love him and went he go to the pond he take a drink and them he saw him self in the water.

he try to touch hes reflected and e can not touch it and he flet in love with him self and some body told him if you love me i will get the sword in my heat and the girl say if i die can you punish him for me then Zeus say i will and Narcissus was dead.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections among the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Narcissus he is a player and he love the girl they let them go and they almost kill there self and he love boy to them he play on the boy how love him and went he go to the pond he take a drink and them he saw him self in the water.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“he try to touch hes reflected and e can not touch it and he flet in love with him self and some body told him if you love me i will get the sword in my heat and the girl say if i die can you punish him for me then Zeus say i will and Narcissus was dead.”)

Content & Development

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to defend or refute Echo and Narcissus’s punishment. However, the writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Narcissus he is a player and he love the girl they let them go and they almost kill there self and he love boy to them he play on the boy how love him and went he go to the pond he take a drink and them he saw him self in the water.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“he try to touch hes reflected and e can not touch it and he flet in love with him self and some body told him if you love me i will get the sword in my heat and the girl say if i die can you punish him for me then Zeus say i will and Narcissus was dead.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Narcissus he is a player and he love the girl they let them go and they almost kill there self and he love boy to them he play on the boy how love him and went he go to the pond he take a drink and them he saw him self in the water. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the writer's ideas or asks readers to consider a lesson. (“he try to touch hes reflected and e can not touch it and he flet in love with him self and some body told him if you love me i will get the sword in my heat and the girl say if i die can you punish him for me then Zeus say i will and Narcissus was dead. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“he try to touch hes reflected and e can not touch it and he flet in love with him self and some body told him if you love me i will get the sword in my heat and the girl say if i die can you punish him for me then Zeus say i will and Narcissus was dead. ”) The writer should separate the run-on sentence into at least two sentences since it contains more than one idea.

The structure of some sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“Narcissus he is a player and he love the girl they let them go and they almost kill there self and he love boy to them he play on the boy how love him and went he go to the pond he take a drink and them he saw him self in the water.”) Using slang to describe characters, such as “player,” undermines the sophistication of the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“Echo & narcissus they got punish because echo tell Zeus wife and Zeus is cheating hes wife and went his wife seem him he will get in big trouble.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Edgar Allan Poe Creates Atmosphere

Edgar Allan Poe's poems and stories are known for the eerie and unsettling feeling they give their readers. In works such as "The Raven," "Annabel Lee," and "The Tell-Tale Heart," Poe effectively creates this spooky and disturbing atmosphere—but how does he do it?

Select one of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories or poems and explain how the author was able to create an eerie atmosphere in this work and how it affected you as a reader. Remember to include the various techniques Poe used such as setting, imagery, and repetition.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Power of Technique

How is Edgar Allan Poe able to create a melancholy surrounding of disturbance in readers of his works? This talented writer of gloom takes advantage of the power of technique. With this, "The Masque of the Red Death" is animated to narrate the selfishness of Prince Prospero as he celebrates in isolation with other courtiers while the rest of the kingdom is rid by the disease of the "Red Death." Months later, as the disease rages on, the Prince falls victim to the same fate. Edgar Allan Poe heightens the use of descriptive imagery, strong symbolism, and deep foreshadowing to create an atmosphere of eeriness in his terrifying tale of "The Masque of the Red Death."

To set such a thrilling story, the literary technique of imagery is used. Poe sets the scene in the reader’s mind of a dying population due to this "Red Death" that brings profuse bleedings and dizzying pain. He describes the grotesque images that would disgust any sane person, creating a creepy atmosphere. Meanwhile, in the story, the Prince Prospero creates a festive mood within his palace for only his courtiers, thus shutting out the remainder of the world. This shows a center of selfishness surrounded by misery. Poe tells of the palace’s seven chambers, each beautifully decorated and the panes matching with a single color, except for one apartment. This room is furnished in black, but the window panes are stained with red- a blood red. Using imagery in these scenes, Poe is able to build a feeling of despair.

The including of symbolism enhances the story. The seventh apartment of the Prince’s chambers is stained scarlet on the windows against the black background. The contrast of colors reminds the reader of a bloody redness. This creates an air of death, quite gloomy. Also, a large grandfather clock resides in this eerie room as "Sits pendulum swung to and fro with a dull, heavy, monotonous clang" (Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror: "The Masque of the Red Death," page 175) This was the "deep voice of the striking clock with its reminder of mortality” (Introduction to "The Masque of the Red Death" in Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror) It was as if time had run out. These factors added with the ebony darkness of the black furnishing contribute to a feeling of ill forboding. The power of symbolism within the story influences an unsettling atmosphere.

Adding to the mood of gloom is foreshadowing. The beginning already becomes haunting with its tellings of death throughout the kingdom. With a disease spreading all around, the Prince remains in his own private sanctuary with only partying friends. The reader can foreshadow that nothing good will come of this selfishness- the disease will somehow break through. As a deathly outcome’s possibility becomes probable, the air thickens with a disturbance. At the Prince’s masquerade celebration, a stranger appears with a discomforting presence and "there arose at length from the whole company a buzz, or murmur, expressive of disapprobation and surprise- then, finally, of terror, of horror, and of disgust.” (Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror: “The Masque of the Red Death,” page 178-179) There can be no good thought of this sentence. Instead, it fills the reader with dread. Who is this??As the stranger continues to threaten the crowd alone with merely its presence, the Prince was suddenly overcome. "It was then, however, that the Prince Prospero, maddening with rage and the shame of his own cowardice, rushed hurriedly” He bore aloft a drawn dagger” (Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror: "The Masque of the Red Death,” page 181) His own shame caused him to act on an impulse. This will lead to his downfall as "the latter" turned suddenly and confronted his pursuer.” (Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror: "The Masque of the Red Death,” page 182) The reader can immediately draw the coming of death, thus making Poe’s foreshadowing technique a success for eeriness.

The disturbing tale of "The Masque of the Red Death" makes the reader unsettled with Edgar Allan Poe’s included literary techniques of imagery, symbolism, and foreshadowing. Using the power of techniques, Poe is able to make his readers uncomfortable as they take in the dread of his awkward stories. As I read "The Masque of the Red Death," it reminded me of "The Phantom of the Opera." With this in mind, I quite enjoyed the eerie feeling it impressed upon me. The ending was especially daunting: "And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death” And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.” (Edgar Allan Poe’s Eight Tales of Terror: "§The Masque of the Red Death,"¨ page 182)

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, this author demonstrates a very effective, constant focus and meaning. The author clearly and strongly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes an in-depth analysis and understanding of the use of atmosphere in Poe’s writings. (“To set such a thrilling story, the literary technique of imagery is used. Poe sets the scene in the reader’s mind of a dying population due to this "Red Death" that brings profuse bleedings and dizzying pain. He describes the grotesque images that would disgust any sane person, creating a creepy atmosphere. Meanwhile, in the story, the Prince Prospero creates a festive mood within his palace for only his courtiers, thus shutting out the remainder of the world. This shows a center of selfishness surrounded by misery. Poe tells of the palace’s seven chambers, each beautifully decorated and the panes matching with a single color, except for one apartment.”) This author cleverly connects Poe’s use of literary devices to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content throughout the essay remains creative, descriptive, and effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed by using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence. (“The including of symbolism enhances the story. The seventh apartment of the Prince’s chambers is stained scarlet on the windows against the black background. The contrast of colors reminds the reader of a bloody redness. This creates an air of death, quite gloomy.") The writer effectively uses his/her knowledge of how atmosphere is created in literature to create insightful connections that support the main idea.

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is effectively established in the opening paragraph, and it is supported by a cohesive, unified structure and strong conclusion. (“The disturbing tale of "The Masque of the Red Death" makes the reader unsettled with Edgar Allan Poe’s included literary techniques of imagery, symbolism, and foreshadowing. Using the power of techniques, Poe is able to make his readers uncomfortable as they take in the dread of his awkward stories.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow smoothly throughout the entire essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and effective. The author defines Poe’s use of atmosphere in a diverse and descriptive manner. (“Poe tells of the palace’s seven chambers, each beautifully decorated and the panes matching with a single color, except for one apartment. This room is furnished in black, but the window panes are stained with red- a blood red. Using imagery in these scenes, Poe is able to build a feeling of despair.”) The author’s voice remains well-defined, and it establishes a strong sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes effective control over conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. These errors do not interfere with communication of the writer’s message. (“These factors added with the ebony darkness of the black furnishing contribute to a feeling of ill forboding. The power of symbolism within the story influences an unsettling atmosphere.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A Mystifying Comeback

For the narrator of the story, he had always loved the old man. Then everything changes. When the narrator saw the old man's Evil Eye, he got terribly angry. So he killed the old man and hid him cleverly. However, the old man came back to haunt the narrator. A cast of mystifying characters, a horrifying plot, and great themes makes Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" an interesting, bloodcurdling, and unforgettable short story.

Poe's mystifying cast of characters, tied together by love and hate, is the strongest element of "The Tell-Tale Heart." Poe's descriptions, from the mouth of the narrator, the author, bring them to life. First is the narrator of the story. He is very sly and clever. In the story, he undid the lantern cautiously so that the old man did not notice him. Then the narrator could use this moment to creep in the room and kill the old man. When the old man was dead, he hid the old man very cleverly. He covered the parts of the body with planks from the flooring of the chamber. The next character is the old man. He had an Evil Eye that causes people hate. For example, in the story, when the narrator saw the Evil Eye, he hated the old man and killed the old man with anger.

Not only does Edgar Allan Poe create mystifying characters, but he also involves them in a horrifying and unbelievable plot. When the narrator killed the old man, they start a chain of events that will grab the readers' attention. There was a shriek from the old man that was heard by a neighbor. So the neighbor called the police. The narrator quickly dismembered the victim into three parts. Then he deposited them under the planks. Suddenly, three police officers came to search the house and found nothing suspicious. He thought that he was pretty clever. However, he started to hallucinate the sound of the beating heart from the old man which caused him to admit the murder to the police officers.

Finally, "The Tell-Tale Heart" offers readers a strong theme with which they can almost connect. The world taught the narrator that doing something evil results with bad consequences. The result was that the narrator started to hallucinate of the beating heart from the old man. Then he was frightened and he admitted the murder that he did to the police officer.

"The Tell-Tale Heart's" unforgettable characters, gloomy plot, and worthwhile themes are going to make this world peaceful. As readers, we get involved with the characters and fall into the actions and adventure. "The Tell-Tale Heart" is one short story that everyone should read.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates a clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening (“For the narrator of the story, he had always loved the old man. Then everything changes. When the narrator saw the old man's Evil Eye, he got terribly angry. So he killed the old man and hid him cleverly. However, the old man came back to haunt the narrator. A cast of mystifying characters, a horrifying plot, and great themes makes Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" an interesting, bloodcurdling, and unforgettable short story.”), supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong understanding of Poe and his use of atmosphere, while connecting literary elements to the central idea of the story.

Content & Development

The content of this essay remains creative, descriptive, and clear. The author clearly introduces ideas by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence. (“Poe's mystifying cast of characters, tied together by love and hate, is the strongest element of "The Tell-Tale Heart." Poe's descriptions, from the mouth of the narrator, the author, bring them to life. First is the narrator of the story. He is very sly and clever. In the story, he undid the lantern cautiously so that the old man did not notice him.”) The writer uses his/her knowledge of atmosphere to create connections that support the main idea of the essay.

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is clearly established in the opening paragraph and supported by a unified structure and strong conclusion. ("The Tell-Tale Heart's" unforgettable characters, gloomy plot, and worthwhile themes are going to make this world peaceful. As readers, we get involved with the characters and fall into the actions and adventure. "The Tell-Tale Heart" is one short story that everyone should read.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow well and are consistent throughout the written work.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the author’s use of language and style remains creative and appropriate. (“The world taught the narrator that doing something evil results with bad consequences. The result was that the narrator started to hallucinate of the beating heart from the old man. Then he was frightened and he admitted the murder that he did to the police officer.”) The author clearly defines the story's atmosphere in a diverse and innovative manner. The writer’s voice is clearly defined, and he/she has a strong awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“The narrator quickly dismembered the victim into three parts. Then he deposited them under the planks. Suddenly, three police officers came to search the house and found nothing suspicious. He thought that he was pretty clever.”) A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Edgar Allan POe was a genius at making even the most highly controlled person to feel a bit squeamish. How does he do it? With his form of writing intertwined with disgusting details, he has become one of the most well known authors of today.

The way that while telling his stories Poe makes the narrator have an air of indifference towards gore and grimness is one of the main factors in his horror writing. There is no sign of hesitation to explain very in-depth details about someone's disemboweled remains. This sometimes catches the reader off guard. His writing style closely related to that of Washington Irving, Poe hides the horror of the story in the ingenious language format so that the reader is virtually forced to read the questionable parts before they even know what is happening. In the story "The Tell Tale Heart" Poe starts off with the touching story of a gentleman that is housing a poor ridiculously old man. the narrator actually goes far enough to add some humor into the story. Then all of the sudden he is joking about the fact that he wants to kill the man! The story goes on to describe the old man's "evil eye" which starts the uncouthness of the story. The man keeping the house never actually murders the old man until the last page or so, because he is so afraid of this unnerving eye. The night that he kills the poor old man, after suffocating him with his own pillow, he pulls up the floorboards and conceals the dead corpse there. The next day as the police are investigating the crime, the man hears something. It gets louder and louder until he sees that it is a heartbeat, and not his own. He now voluntarily tells the police where the man is and starts raving like a lunatic and is taken to an insanity asylum.

The way that Poe describes the yearning to kill the old man and at the same time the love of the old man, he creates an atmosphere of moral conflict that ends in a lost battle. This story affected me as a reader by giving me great english literature with my favorite type of style, horror. By far, Edgar Allan Poe is in my opinion the best author alive at his time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with adequate focus and meaning. The author maintains a basic and fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer does demonstrate an understanding of Poe’s use of atmosphere while connecting some literary elements to the central idea of the essay.

(“The way that while telling his stories Poe makes the narrator have an air of indifference towards gore and grimness is one of the main factors in his horror writing. There is no sign of hesitation to explain very in-depth details about someone's disemboweled remains. This sometimes catches the reader off guard. His writing style closely related to that of Washington Irving, Poe hides the horror of the story in the ingenious language format so that the reader is virtually forced to read the questionable parts before they even know what is happening.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is creative and remains adequately descriptive and clear. The author introduces ideas by using some specific and accurate evidence, and he/she adequately attempts to use a knowledge of atmosphere to create connections that support the main idea. (“In the story "The Tell Tale Heart" Poe starts off with the touching story of a gentleman that is housing a poor ridiculously old man. the narrator actually goes far enough to add some humor into the story. Then all of the sudden he is joking about the fact that he wants to kill the man!”)

Organization

In this essay , the main idea is adequately established in the opening paragraph. There is evidence of a unified structure and a noticeable conclusion. (“The way that Poe describes the yearning to kill the old man and at the same time the love of the old man, he creates an atmosphere of moral conflict that ends in a lost battle.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent , but they are inconsistent throughout the essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. The author does describe Edgar Allan Poe’s use of atmosphere, but does so in a general manner. (“Poe hides the horror of the story in the ingenious language format so that the reader is virtually forced to read the questionable parts before they even know what is happening. In the story "The Tell Tale Heart" Poe starts off with the touching story of a gentleman that is housing a poor ridiculously old man.”) The author’s voice is apparent and establishes a sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“This story affected me as a reader by giving me great english literature with my favorite type of style, horror. By far, Edgar Allan Poe is in my opinion the best author alive at his time.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly detract from communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Edgar Allan Poe essay

Edgar Allan Poe wrote many poems such as "The Tell-Tale Heart" which is a horror tale. Poe made the setting seem scary but not so scary; it is dark a lot ,the doors sound big, and the way they say the floors look to me it sounds creepy.Poe writes a lot of Repetition, like the part about the heart were he say "it grow louder and louder".The imagery of this story is scary because the setting and the thoughts in the narrator's mind and the way he hate the eye and to me that is crazy that he wants to kill the old man because of his eye.So as you can see Poe uses setting, repetition, and imagery in his stories.

In the story there are a few settings one is the outside which they don't talk about much another one is the living room which has planks for the floors and the last one is in the old man room. The old man room has one room and a chamber that leds to the old man treasure; it had candle lights because there were no lights then.The living room they didn't really talk about so all I know is that it has planks as floors.I wouldn't want to live in a house like that one because I'll be scared all the time .The house was pitch as dark they say and it is all was dark in the story.

In this story there is a lot of repetition one example is the part were he say "the heart grow louder and louder." Poe also uses a lot of repetition in this to make scary and he dose a good job at it too. another one that is the story is every night at midnight the narrator looks in at the old man while he is sleep because he wants to hurt the old man. If there is no repetition in a scary story then the story is not all that scary. Repetition is a very big part of a scary story.

Edgar Allan Poe is a good writer and uses setting, imagery, and repetitionin his stories.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates a limited focus and meaning. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“In this story there is a lot of repetition one example is the part were he say "the heart grow louder and louder." Poe also uses a lot of repetition in this to make scary and he dose a good job at it too.”) The writer does make an attempt to fully understand Poe’s use of atmosphere by citing the use of some literary elements, but his/her ideas are inconsistent.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. Ideas are introduced using little accurate or specific evidence. This writer uses limited information regarding Poe and his use of literary tools in the essay. (“In the story there are a few settings one is the outside which they don't talk about much another one is the living room which has planks for the floors and the last one is in the old man room.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea remains uncertain. (“Poe writes a lot of Repetition, like the part about the heart were he say "it grow louder and louder".The imagery of this story is scary because the setting and the thoughts in the narrator's mind and the way he hate the eye and to me that is crazy that he wants to kill the old man because of his eye.”) The author uses limited structure in the paragraphs, and the essay has a weak conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are limited and inconsistent throughout the essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. (“ I wouldn't want to live in a house like that one because I'll be scared all the time .The house was pitch as dark they say and it is all was dark in the story.”) The author describes Poe and his use of atmosphere in a basic manner. The writer's voice is somewhat apparent and establishes some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences, insufficient sentence variety, and a limited word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message. (“In the story there are a few settings one is the outside which they don't talk about much another one is the living room which has planks for the floors and the last one is in the old man room.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Edgar Allan Poe's story The Tell Tale Heart is a horror story it has setting,imagery,and repetition.One of the settings in this story was at the old mans house it was a big house alot things happened in there.The imagery that he gives is the evil eye.Also the repetition in this story is when the old man is dead the repetition tells you what it is when it keeps on telling you about it.

The setting that he described were really good.The main setting in this story is when the old man is in the house.It is the living room that he is in the house.It was around the chamber his house is so big he has a chamber.There was a part that made everybody come to the house because somebody killed the old man.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates minimal control over focus and meaning. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. This writer's attempt to explain Poe’s use of literary devices is confused, brief, and does not exhibit a complete understanding. (“The setting that he described were really good.The main setting in this story is when the old man is in the house.”) The author does not describe literary elements to make connections to central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The writing throughout the essay contains limited content and development. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. (“Also the repetition in this story is when the old man is dead the repetition tells you what it is when it keeps on telling you about it.”) The author introduces ideas using little accurate or specific evidence, and he/she supports the main idea with very limited information regarding Poe’s use of atmosphere.

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. There is little structure in the essay’s paragraphs, and the conclusion is weak. (“There was a part that made everybody come to the house because somebody killed the old man.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are negligible.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. (“ The imagery that he gives is the evil eye.Also the repetition in this story is when the old man is dead the repetition tells you what it is when it keeps on telling you about it.”) The author communicates his/her central idea in a minimal fashion. This writer has little awareness of audience, and the essay contains basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“It is the living room that he is in the house.It was around the chamber his house is so big he has a chamber.”) Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been scared so scared that you don't want to even think about the horror of what ever you saw.Well this the tell -tale heart written by Edgar allen poe is very scary.

Edgar allan poe the tell-tale heart is a horror story that is really scary and will make you want to read more.

The story takes place in the house were every thing happens in the scary house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and no actual meaning. The author fails to establish any type of focus on Edgar Allen Poe’s use of literary devices in order to create atmosphere. (“Well this the tell -tale heart written by Edgar allen poe is very scary.”)

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequate content and development. Any ideas that are introduced are not developed using descriptive details. The author makes no meaningful references to Poe or his use of atmosphere. (“Edgar allan poe the tell-tale heart is a horror story that is really scary and will make you want to read more.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. There is little structure in the essay’s paragraphs, and it ends with a weak conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are negligible. (“Edgar allan poe the tell-tale heart is a horror story that is really scary and will make you want to read more…The story takes place in the house were every thing happens in the scary house.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is unclear and incoherent. The author fails to communicate his/her ideas regarding atmosphere in Poe’s works. (“Have you ever been scared so scared that you don't want to even think about the horror of what ever you saw.”) This writer shows no awareness of an audience, and the essay contains major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“in the house were every thing happens in the scary house.”)

“Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros

In the story "Eleven," Cisneros writes, "What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one." After carefully reading the story, explain what you feel the author means in this statement. Include examples and details from the text and your own experiences to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one." When I read this quote out of the book "Eleven" by Sandra Cisneros, I couldn't really understand its meaning. But as I read the story and started to get to know the main character, Rachel, and how her life was, it made me relate my own life to this.Then, I realized that little pieces of knowledge, or habits that you pick up when you're a certain age can follow you through the rest of your life. Or, until you're eleven.

Rachel kept saying things like, I cry like I did when I was three years old. Or that she wants to sit on her mom's lap like a five year old. These things are what she picked up when she was those ages. When she was three, she could have cried a lot. So, that way of crying followed her through her eleventh birthday. It's a little piece of being three years old that is still with her. When she was five, she could have sat on her mother's lap. Sitting on her mother's lap was something that she did when she was five, and wanting to sit on her mother's lap is a habit that she still has, even though she's eleven.The memory of her being five still lingers in her mind. I can relate this to myself because when I was seven, I picked up the habit of biting my nails. Even though I'm eleven now, I still have that habit. As I was writing this, I was biting my nails the whole time. That habit has stayed with me. It's a part of me, a memory that I have from when I was seven. It's a little piece of me that still makes me feel like I'm only seven years old.

It's not only the memories or habits that make you feel like a certain age, it can also be your looks, or the way you dress. When I was ten, I dressed the same way as I do now that I'm eleven. I wear dark clothes, black hoodies, metal necklaces, converse shoes. It's a way of making me feel that I'm still ten because there hasn't been that much change in me since my birthday. If I looked totally different on the morning that I woke up eleven, then I might feel like there was a change in me. But, because I still have the intentions of looking how I usually look, I don't feel any older. The way someone looks can also make them feel a certain age. People tell me all the time that I look exactly like my father. They call me his twin, his mini-me. But I was mostly called those things when I was eight, the year that I would always try to cling to him. Even though I am older, a part of me still feels eight every time someone says I look like my father because my looks now remind me of how I was when I was eight.

After thinking about all these memories, the memories that pop into my head the brightest are the ones of my eleventh birthday. Feeling ten even though it said eleven on my birthday cake, feeling ten even though they asked my how old I was now and I said eleven. Feeling ten even more when my own grandparents forgot my birthday. But when Sandra Cisneros wrote this quote, I think that she was able to relate it to everyone. No matter what your age, height, weight, hair, face, or size you are, you'll always have a piece of your memory, your habits, or your looks from a certain age.

Whether you are eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, or one, you will have something to remind you of that. As Rachel felt, "when you wake up in the morning, you feel as if this is just another day, like you're still ten, even though you aren't." The feeling of being ten or a certain age is one that you like and one that you're used to. Even though you truly are eleven, you know what the feeling of being ten is and that's how you feel. The quote, "What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one." means that no matter what you're age is, certain things will remind you of certain ages, whether it be memories, or habits, or manners. Whether it's the way you used to cry at a certain age and how you still do or whether it's the way your mom or dad would comfort you a certain way and still do. The memories of a certain age follow you through your older ages, like a little piece that you wanted to cut out and take with you. This quote is basically just a reminder that parts of you are still a young, no matter how old you are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea, which also clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“Then, I realized that little pieces of knowledge, or habits that you pick up when you're a certain age can follow you through the rest of your life. Or, until you're eleven.”) Through this focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate an understanding of the quote. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the quote and text is very thorough and accurate. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. For example, he/she not only cites quotes directly from the text, but also explains and interprets the passages. (“Rachel kept saying things like, I cry like I did when I was three years old. Or that she wants to sit on her mom's lap like a five year old. These things are what she picked up when she was those ages. When she was three, she could have cried a lot. So, that way of crying followed her through her eleventh birthday. It's a little piece of being three years old that is still with her.“) The student goes beyond superficial interpretation to an in-depth analysis using support from the text as well as his/her own personal experiences.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed. It immediately engages the reader and introduces the topic of the essay with its first sentence and proceeds to develop a well-structured and focused thesis statement. (“What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one.") Each body paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence and, where appropriate, a transitional device. (“It's not only the memories or habits that make you feel like a certain age, it can also be your looks, or the way you dress. When I was ten, I dressed the same way as I do now that I'm eleven.”) The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s position and leaves the reader with something to ponder. (“The memories of a certain age follow you through your older ages, like a little piece that you wanted to cut out and take with you. This quote is basically just a reminder that parts of you are still a young, no matter how old you are.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“But, because I still have the intentions of looking how I usually look, I don't feel any older. The way someone looks can also make them feel a certain age. People tell me all the time that I look exactly like my father. They call me his twin, his mini-me.”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use. (“ Feeling ten even more when my own grandparents forgot my birthday. But when Sandra Cisneros wrote this quote, I think that she was able to relate it to everyone. No matter what your age, height, weight, hair, face, or size you are, you'll always have a piece of your memory, your habits, or your looks from a certain age.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although a few errors in mechanics and conventions do exist (“Feeling ten even more when my own grandparents forgot my birthday.”), these mistakes do not detract from the intended message in any way.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The short story Eleven is a story about a girl named Rachel who just turned eleven.The problem is she doesn't exactly feel eleven years old.So Rachel says "what they don't tell you is that when you're eleven your also 10 and 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1".So do you know what she means when she says that? I think I do so let me tell you what I think it means.

Although Rachel says she doesn't feel like she's eleven but she is, she doesn't act like it.The reason why is because on her birthday at school the teacher and a student said the sweater was Rachel's.Then she didn't stand up for herself and speak up.Also she said she wanted to be one hundred and two so she would have stood up for herself and she would have self esteem.So at that time she may have felt three or five years old.

Also I think that when she says those words she means that when you are sad or feeling like you want to sit on your mom's lap you feel young again.Like when Rachel was crying at school she said she felt like a three year old.Also she said she wanted to be invisible.So I see why she wants to be one hundred and two and doesn't feel eleven.

Additionally to every feeling Rachel has about her birthday it really shows that at sometimes you feel eight or six or even one.The way Rachel reacts to the sweater and her birthday is just like she is three but I use to feel that way to.Do you remember when you turned eleven? I do I was a little like Rachel.I never felt my age till weeks after and I would have to think about it and remember to say the correct age.The way Rachel didn't really speak up when the student said it was Rachel's sweater reminds me of myself at school sometimes.Also like the way Rachel tries to hold in her tears and remember she is eleven, and feeling stupid like a ten year old is another thing I can relate to because I can sort of get a little emotional and feel a little stupid thinking about the things I use to do.

Finally for my conclusion I think all of us can agree that you don't exactly feel your age on your birthday.Also that when you turn eleven or twelve or whatever your also 10 and 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1. So what I really think the author means when they said that statement is that you might have turned eleven but you will always have every age you have turned inside of you.For example you will always have a little bit of kid inside of you no madder how old you get.So that's what I think Sandra Cisneros means by the statement.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“The short story Eleven is a story about a girl named Rachel who just turned eleven. The problem is she doesn't exactly feel eleven years old. So Rachel says ‘what they don't tell you is that when you're eleven your also 10 and 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1’.”) and completes a thorough analysis of this text. Towards the end of this response, the author even takes the focus a step further and states a generalization about the lesson learned in the text. (“So what I really think the author means when they said that statement is that you might have turned eleven but you will always have every age you have turned inside of you. For example you will always have a little bit of kid inside of you no madder how old you get.”) In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the poem and the assigned task.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the text. (“Additionally to every feeling Rachel has about her birthday it really shows that at sometimes you feel eight or six or even one. The way Rachel reacts to the sweater and her birthday is just like she is three but I use to feel that way to.“) However, the student doesn’t simply state what he/she thinks the text is about, but rather supports it with relevant examples from the author’s own experiences. (“Also like the way Rachel tries to hold in her tears and remember she is eleven, and feeling stupid like a ten year old is another thing I can relate to because I can sort of get a little emotional and feel a little stupid thinking about the things I use to do.”)

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified Organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay by briefly discussing the purpose of the task. However, the Organization could be further improved by moving the controlling idea to the introduction. (“So do you know what she means when she says that? I think I do so let me tell you what I think it means.”) Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection.

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as evidence of voice. (“Also I think that when she says those words she means that when you are sad or feeling like you want to sit on your mom's lap you feel young again. Like when Rachel was crying at school she said she felt like a three year old. Also she said she wanted to be invisible.”) The sentences are well structured and varied. This essay obviously exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in conventions and mechanics, the mistakes in spelling, grammar (“Also like the way Rachel tries to hold in her tears and remember she is eleven, and feeling stupid like a ten year old is another thing I can relate to because I can sort of get a little emotional and feel a little stupid thinking about the things I use to do.”), and punctuation are few and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever read the story "Eleven" by Sandra Cisneros? Well I have, and I'm here to tell you a little about it. This story is about a girl who turns eleven but she still fills ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one and her day is messed up by her teacher who thinks a nasty, smelly, ugly red sweater is hers. In this story i think the authors premise is whatever age you are you still have other ages inside of you. I think the authors premise is this because why would you be writing about the story and the key points are this. In this response of literature I'm going to explain what the author means in in the story.

In the story Rachel, the main character in the story has a couple of things that i can relate to. One of the things is that you might say something stupid and that's the part of you that's the part of you when you were still ten. Like one time I said,"the Lakers have 24 touchdowns"and all my friends just stared at me. Also, sometime i need to cry the time when i was three. Like when I lost a volleyball game and i got home and just started crying because i knew i could have done better. In the next paragraph i will talk about some inconvenience relate to the story.

In the story Eleven having other ages inside you can relate to other things, those things are called similes. One of the similes you can relate it to is the rings of a tree and each one of the rings equals eight years. Also you can relate to onions because they have layers too, and one other similes you can relate to having all these other ages inside you is cakes because guess what they have layers to. Those are some of the similes you can relate to have all these other ages inside you.

To some up my story, one time when i was five years old and i got stuck in a snow storm with my mom, sisters, grand-parents, aunt,and uncle at big bear and we couldn't find anything to eat so now when i skip a meal or don't eat i always remember that long day i can connect myself to to rachel by having a horrible day my horrible day was on my friends rudys and alex the twins birthday because when rudy has a bad day i have a bad day and believe me he was having a bad day his parents forgot his birthday i really didn't enjoy this story because she woudnt speak up and tell her teacher the sweater wasn't hers and she had a horrible birthday because of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt that demonstrates an understanding of the task. (“In this story i think the authors premise is whatever age you are you still have other ages inside of you.”) However, he/she is not as successful in supporting the thesis and developing ideas. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some implied connections between the task and the text. (“In the story Rachel, the main character in the story has a couple of things that i can relate to. One of the things is that you might say something stupid and that's the part of you that's the part of you when you were still ten.”)

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. (“One of the similes you can relate it to is the rings of a tree and each one of the rings equals eight years. Also you can relate to onions because they have layers too, and one other similes you can relate to having all these other ages inside you is cakes because guess what they have layers to.”) The conclusion adequately sums up the main points by relating another personal story as a supporting detail to the premise.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified Organizational structure. The introductory paragraph lacks a method to engage the reader, but does develop an outline for the rest of the essay. (“I think the authors premise is this because why would you be writing about the story and the key points are this. In this response of literature I'm going to explain what the author means in in the story.”) Each body paragraph is adequately structured, but could be further improved with more focused topic sentences and transitional devices. The concluding paragraph is noticeable and attempts to sum up the main points of the essay, but fails to do so because it simply relays another supporting detail.

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is adequate and appropriate (“I think the authors premise is this because why would you be writing about the story and the key points are this.”), but some is questionable. Most sentences use correct structure and show some variety, but some run-ons are discernable. This author makes some attempt to demonstrate voice by making connections between his/her own experiences and those in the text.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation (“In this story i”), spelling, and grammar. However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

You know you are eleven ?

How do you know you are eleven? according to Sandra Cisneros you don't really know ,and think that she is right because sometimes i cry like if i was 2, i play like if i was 5 and i make a mess like if a was 3.

Sometimes i don't fell the age i suppose to be because sometimes i cry like if i was 2 years old. I cry a lot when i don't get the stuff i want i also cry when my brother hits me ,and plays with me like if i was doll. Sometimes i don't even know if i am the age i suppose to be because i act like a baby like if i was 2 years old and also because cry a lot.

My mom says i play like a little girl. I play like a baby because i throw stuff around the room ,and i also throw stuff at my brother like if i was a little girl. That is why i get confused about my age.

i also make a mess like if i was 5 when i play with my stuff i never put it back in it's place. I just drop it on the floor. Also when i take my clothes out from my closet i just throw them in my bed like if i was 5 years old. And i get confused.

In conclusion sometimes i get confused because i act like if i was 5, 3 and also 2. And i get confused about my age but i'm also happy about the age I'm and have.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“How do you know you are eleven? according to Sandra Cisneros you don't really know ,and think that she is right because sometimes i cry like if i was 2, i play like if i was 5 and i make a mess like if a was 3.”), but it is not fully appropriate for this assignment. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the quote. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“Sometimes i don't fell the age i suppose to be because sometimes i cry like if i was 2 years old.”), but lacks adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that personally relate him/her to the text, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph the author includes a detail from his/her personal experiences, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained in relation to the text. (“Sometimes i don't even know if i am the age i suppose to be because i act like a baby like if i was 2 years old and also because cry a lot.”) In the third paragraph, the author once again states a brief connection but does not attempt to further develop it.

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it is underdeveloped. Three paragraphs make up the body of this composition. Each begins with an attempted topic sentence and some even include transitions. Even though the conclusion is short and somewhat repetitive, it does make an attempt at summarizing the author’s main points. (“In conclusion sometimes i get confused because i act like if i was 5, 3 and also 2.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. Sentences are sometimes simple or are fragments (“And i get confused.”), and word choice is simple but not wholly inappropriate. (“And i get confused about my age but i'm also happy about the age I'm and have.”) Overall, language use and style are limited and insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling, grammar (“Sometimes i don't even know if i am the age i suppose to be because i act like a baby like if i was 2 years old and also because cry a lot.”), and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

ELEVEN

Have you ever had a terrible brithday. I read a story about a girl named rachel who is having a awful 11th brithday. The tittle of the story is eleven and was written by sandra cisneros says eleven what they dont uderstand about brithdays and what they never tell you is that when youre 11 youre also 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. I believe the author is saying since yove been all those ages they are still inside of you.

Sandra cisneros uses many examples to show now your younger ages remain inside you. For example say somthing stupid and thats thats the part of you of you thats ten. When you cry thats the part of you thats three. I am eleven i still act 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. I cry sometimes somtimes i get mad sad and happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“ I believe the author is saying since yove been all those ages they are still inside of you.”), but it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to make any meaningful connections between the text and the task. This shows that the writer has a poor understanding of the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author cites only one example from the text to support the controlling idea. The example is explained (“For example say somthing stupid and thats thats the part of you of you thats ten.”), but leaves the reader expecting more content and development. There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The introductory paragraph is well developed and enticing, but the rest of the essay fails to explain what is implied in the opening. The second paragraph shows no evidence of structure. This essay lacks proper paragraphing, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre language to address his/her audience. (“I am eleven i still act 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. I cry sometimes somtimes i get mad sad and happy.”) Sentences, however, are for the most part adequately structured. (“For example say somthing stupid and thats thats the part of you of you thats ten.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are noticeable in this essay. Problems with punctuation, grammar, and mechanics detract from the look of this response. (“I read a story about a girl named rachel who is having a awful 11th brithday.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my paper, I will show that "Eleven" by Sandra Corerose. My story is showing that life is hard and sometimes when you want's something to happen it doesn't come out how you want it to come out.

First, to support my message about something that doesn't come out how you want it to come out. Like how you thought your birthday was going to come out "EXITED and it doesn't and your hope is gone that's how Rachel fill's about

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. There is little semblance of a controlling idea (“My story is showing that life is hard and sometimes when you want's something to happen it doesn't come out how you want it to come out.”), and there are no connections made between the central idea and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. Although the author states some details from the text, they are not coherent, relevant, or developed. (“Like how you thought your birthday was going to come out "EXITED and it doesn't and your hope is gone that's how Rachel fill's about”) The content isn’t meaningful and is entirely inappropriate.

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. There is a clear introductory paragraph but no concluding paragraphs. The body of the essay is only two lines long and fails to establish a complete paragraph. Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques.

Language Use & Style

This author evidently has difficulty using language appropriately. (“First, to support my message about something that doesn't come out how you want it to come out.”) There are major errors in sentence structure and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response, the author demonstrates a lack of ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“EXITED”), punctuation, and grammar (“fill's”) are distracting to the reader.

Father/Son Relationships in Elie Wiesel’s Night

Night , by Elie Wiesel, tells the story of one man's hardships during the Holocaust. The father/son relationship is one of the prominent themes seen in the novel. Within the text, there are a number of references to father/son relationships, including the protagonist Eliezer's own relationship with his father.

In a detailed essay, discuss the theme of father and son relationships and its function in the novel. Include details and examples from the text to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair" (Nicolo Machiavelli). In the book, Night, by Elie Wiesel, Elie and his father's relationship fluctuates. In the beginning, they had a distant relationship. While at the Nazi camp, they depended on each other for life, and in the end, Elie realized his only way to survive was without his father. We live in a world where our families are like the glue that holds us together in the toughest times. However, like glue, it can only hold for so long. Once water, wind, and ripping occur, it strives to keep hold, but sometimes can't manage, and the glue deteriorates. Although it may rip, it never detaches without leaving a piece of itself behind.

"My father was a cultured man, rather unsentimental. He rarely displayed his feelings, not even within his family, and was more involved with the welfare of others than that of his own kin" (4). Before Elie and his family were deported to the concentration camp, their relationship was more distant and proper. His father was well respected around the community, for many residents sought his well-mannered speeches and advice. Elie wanted to have a closer relationship with his father, but was too timid to try and make the effort. The father is the protector and provider of the house and his responsibility resembles the love he has for his inheritance. Elie strives for this kind of relationship with his father and when he arrives to the concentration camp he gets a small glimpse of this sweet bond between father and son.

"My hand shifted on my father's arm, I had one thought- not to lose him. Not to be left alone" (19). When Elie and his family arrived at the concentration camp, selection was immediately issued. Elie's mom and sisters were sent in one direction and Elie and his father were sent in another. When they were going through selection, Elie and his father thought that his mom and Tzipora were just going to start working somewhere else and that they would see them in no time. Elie later finds out that his mother and youngest sister, Tzipora, were sent straight to the gas chambers to be executed. There were no words to explain this horrific calamity, and the thought scarred him for life.

After they found out the news, they realized they were all the other had and they would do anything it took to stay together throughout the journey. "As for me, I was not thinking about death, but I did not want to be separated from my father. We had already suffered so much, born so much together; this was not the time to be separated." Throughout all of the selections, Elie and his father refused to be separated, even if it meant they were both sent to the gas chambers; they didn't care as long as they had each other. As you can see, their relationship experienced a drastic change while they were at the concentration camp. Elie experienced the love and devotion for his father that he had yearned for. Although they were not in good conditions and they were going through hell, the semblance of relationship they gained made him grow stronger and he learned that people do not realize what they have until it is lost.

"Don't let me find him, if only I could get rid of his dead weight so that I could use all my strength to struggle for my own survival, and only worry about myself" (71). It is implausible to imagine wanting to leave a family member or loved one behind in order to save yourself. Some may call it selfish; however, you have to put yourself in his situation and surround yourself in the sinister circumstances he was in. You have to ponder and realize that they were fighting for their lives and the slightest drawback could have you killed instantly. Life is like a game board, you go through adventures, tragedies, sorrow, and turmoil, but in the end, only one person can win. It killed him inside to come to this conclusion, but he could not stand watching his father not be able to fend for himself. There comes a point where you hardships make you grow to be a stronger person. It was obvious that after going through so much, and making it so far, that he finally had to come face to face with the fact that the only way he would survive was alone.

"And in the depths of my being, in recesses of my weakened conscience, could I have searched it, I might perhaps have found something like-free at last" (75). The words "free at last" can be interpreted in two different ways. It could either mean that he is finally free from his father, or it could mean that his father is finally free from his suffering. The book leaves you wanting more answers as to what Elie meant by this, but the context of his attitude leaves you guessing that he was glad or at the very least, relieved, that he was finally free from his father. "His last word was my name. A summons, to which I did not respond" (112) Although Elie did not show it, he did feel much sorrow in his heart after his father's passing; he, however, had no more tears left in his hollow body to show his heartache. Elie was one of the few fortunate people to survive the Holocaust. After being liberated, he realized how tender the relationship was between his father and him. He always held on to the sweet memories and cherished the great times they had together. If it wasn't for Elie keeping his head up and knowing that his family was still with him in his heart, he probably would not have made it through the Holocaust. All should be encouraged to have a close relationship with their fathers/families, for you never know the worth of water, until the well is dry.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits a very effective focus and sense of meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and descriptive details. (“’My hand shifted on my father's arm, I had one thought- not to lose him. Not to be left alone’ (19). When Elie and his family arrived at the concentration camp, selection was immediately issued. Elie's mom and sisters were sent in one direction and Elie and his father were sent in another. When they were going through selection, Elie and his father thought that his mom and Tzipora were just going to start working somewhere else and that they would see them in no time. Elie later finds out that his mother and youngest sister, Tzipora, were sent straight to the gas chambers to be executed. There were no words to explain this horrific calamity, and the thought scarred him for life. After they found out the news, they realized they were all the other had and they would do anything it took to stay together throughout the journey. ‘As for me, I was not thinking about death, but I did not want to be separated from my father. We had already suffered so much, born so much together; this was not the time to be separated.’”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The words ‘free at last’ can be interpreted in two different ways. It could either mean that he is finally free from his father, or it could mean that his father is finally free from his suffering. The book leaves you wanting more answers as to what Elie meant by this, but the context of his attitude leaves you guessing that he was glad or at the very least, relieved, that he was finally free from his father. ‘His last word was my name. A summons, to which I did not respond’ (112) Although Elie did not show it, he did feel much sorrow in his heart after his father's passing; he, however, had no more tears left in his hollow body to show his heartache.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ While at the Nazi camp, they depended on each other for life, and in the end, Elie realized his only way to survive was without his father. We live in a world where our families are like the glue that holds us together in the toughest times. However, like glue, it can only hold for so long. Once water, wind, and ripping occur, it strives to keep hold, but sometimes can't manage, and the glue deteriorates. Although it may rip, it never detaches without leaving a piece of itself behind.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and descriptively, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of relevant details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“‘My hand shifted on my father's arm, I had one thought- not to lose him. Not to be left alone’ (19). When Elie and his family arrived at the concentration camp, selection was immediately issued. Elie's mom and sisters were sent in one direction and Elie and his father were sent in another. When they were going through selection, Elie and his father thought that his mom and Tzipora were just going to start working somewhere else and that they would see them in no time. Elie later finds out that his mother and youngest sister, Tzipora, were sent straight to the gas chambers to be executed. There were no words to explain this horrific calamity, and the thought scarred him for life.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, as well as ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“‘And in the depths of my being, in recesses of my weakened conscience, could I have searched it, I might perhaps have found something like-free at last’ (75). The words ‘free at last’ can be interpreted in two different ways. It could either mean that he is finally free from his father, or it could mean that his father is finally free from his suffering. The book leaves you wanting more answers as to what Elie meant by this, but the context of his attitude leaves you guessing that he was glad or at the very least, relieved, that he was finally free from his father. ‘His last word was my name. A summons, to which I did not respond’ (112)”)

The essay offers insights that directly relate to lessons that can be learned from the characters' suffering in Night . (“After being liberated, he realized how tender the relationship was between his father and him. He always held on to the sweet memories and cherished the great times they had together. If it wasn't for Elie keeping his head up and knowing that his family was still with him in his heart, he probably would not have made it through the Holocaust. All should be encouraged to have a close relationship with their fathers/families, for you never know the worth of water, until the well is dry.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. The essay has a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as an effective use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing how life’s circumstances affect relationships. (“‘ A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair’ (Nicolo Machiavelli). In the book, Night, by Elie Wiesel, Elie and his father's relationship fluctuates. In the beginning, they had a distant relationship. While at the Nazi camp, they depended on each other for life, and in the end, Elie realized his only way to survive was without his father. We live in a world where our families are like the glue that holds us together in the toughest times. However, like glue, it can only hold for so long. Once water, wind, and ripping occur, it strives to keep hold, but sometimes can't manage, and the glue deteriorates. Although it may rip, it never detaches without leaving a piece of itself behind.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used very effectively. (“ After they found out the news, they realized they were all the other had and they would do anything it took to stay together throughout the journey. ‘As for me, I was not thinking about death, but I did not want to be separated from my father. We had already suffered so much, born so much together; this was not the time to be separated.’ Throughout all of the selections, Elie and his father refused to be separated, even if it meant they were both sent to the gas chambers; they didn't care as long as they had each other. As you can see, their relationship experienced a drastic change while they were at the concentration camp.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Elie was one of the few fortunate people to survive the Holocaust. After being liberated, he realized how tender the relationship was between his father and him. He always held on to the sweet memories and cherished the great times they had together. If it wasn't for Elie keeping his head up and knowing that his family was still with him in his heart, he probably would not have made it through the Holocaust. All should be encouraged to have a close relationship with their fathers/families, for you never know the worth of water, until the well is dry.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Elie’s relationship with his father to underscore their effect on him. (“ Elie wanted to have a closer relationship with his father, but was too timid to try and make the effort. The father is the protector and provider of the house and his responsibility resembles the love he has for his inheritance. Elie strives for this kind of relationship with his father and when he arrives to the concentration camp he gets a small glimpse of this sweet bond between father and son. ‘My hand shifted on my father's arm, I had one thought- not to lose him. Not to be left alone’ (19).”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints such a vivid picture of the various struggles for prisoners during the Holocaust so that by the end, the readers understand the depths and long-lasting effects of father/son relationships in the story. (“ Although Elie did not show it, he did feel much sorrow in his heart after his father's passing; he, however, had no more tears left in his hollow body to show his heartache. Elie was one of the few fortunate people to survive the Holocaust. After being liberated, he realized how tender the relationship was between his father and him. He always held on to the sweet memories and cherished the great times they had together. If it wasn't for Elie keeping his head up and knowing that his family was still with him in his heart, he probably would not have made it through the Holocaust. All should be encouraged to have a close relationship with their fathers/families, for you never know the worth of water, until the well is dry.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“It is implausible to imagine wanting to leave a family member or loved one behind in order to save yourself. Some may call it selfish; however, you have to put yourself in his situation and surround yourself in the sinister circumstances he was in. You have to ponder and realize that they were fighting for their lives and the slightest drawback could have you killed instantly. Life is like a game board, you go through adventures, tragedies, sorrow, and turmoil, but in the end, only one person can win. It killed him inside to come to this conclusion, but he could not stand watching his father not be able to fend for himself. There comes a point where you hardships make you grow to be a stronger person. It was obvious that after going through so much, and making it so far, that he finally had to come face to face with the fact that the only way he would survive was alone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with a punctuation mark. Line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Throughout all of the selections, Elie and his father refused to be separated, even if it meant they were both sent to the gas chambers; they didn't care as long as they had each other. As you can see, their relationship experienced a drastic change while they were at the concentration camp. Elie experienced the love and devotion for his father that he had yearned for.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Behind me, an old man fell to the ground. Nearby, an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster. My hand tightened its grip on my father. All I could think of was not to lose him. Not to remain alone." (Wiesel 30)

So begins the emotionally gripping relationship between Elie and his father in Elie Wiesel's memoir, Night. Father and son relationships are a common motif throughout the memoir, though much of the action of the memoir revolves around Elie and his father. They are together from the beginning and are only separated by death two weeks before Elie is liberated. The course of their relationship shows the devastating effects of the Holocaust on the minds and hearts of prisoners.

In the beginning of their incarceration, Elie and his father's only goal was to stay together. 'Would you like to get into a good Commando?' 'Of course, But on one condition: I want to stay with my father.'" (Wiesel 48) Elie knows that he is the only thing keeping his father alive. But soon enough, he turned on his father in subtle, unavoidable ways. While the Kapo beat his father, Elie felt anger toward his father for incurring the wrath of those in charge (Wiesel 54). This straying from familial convention was short-lived at first. Elie again cared for his father, which in turn, created a weakness in himself. When he refused to give a gold crown to the man in charge of them, the man turned his cruelty on Elie's father, day after day. Elie gave in to save his father. Yet the resentment towards his father grew, despite his vows to not give in to it. On the night his father died, he cried out Elie's name. Elie, a bunk above and terrified of repercussions, did not move (Wiesel 111).

Although the most obvious father/son relationship was that of Elie and his father, many more were present in the memoir. One of the most influential relationships is that of Elie and his God. Before the evacuation, Elie was devoted to religious study. Prayer was more important to him, even more so than his own family. In this way, God became a "father" to him. However, as soon as they entered the camps, Elie became angry with his god for not being just, much like he became angry with his father for incurring the wrath of the soldiers. Then, just like his father, Elie sees God die in the eyes of a hanged child. 'For God's sake, where is God?' And from within me, I heard a voice answer: 'Where is He? This is where- hanging here from these gallows '" (Wiesel 65)

Not only did father/son relationships exist and break for Elie, but for many others within the camps as well. One pipel beat his father and threatened to stop bringing him bread because he had not made his bed correctly. Later, a rabbi was looking for his lost son after the death march, thinking his son had not noticed him falling behind. Elie had seen the son watch the rabbi losing ground, and increased the distance. Even later, Germans threw bread into cattle cars to watch the prisoners fight over them. In the scuffle that ensued, an old man saved a hunk of bread, part for himself and part for his son. His son saw the bread and beat the father until he died, taking the bread. Then the son died protecting the stolen bread from the mob.

Throughout the memoir, broken father/son relationships were used to show how dehumanizing the Holocaust was. The sacred bond between father and son is an archetype all can recognize, and the decomposition of these bonds is also clear to all audiences. The shame of the deterioration of a sacred relationship was echoed in these words: "No prayers were said over his tomb. No candle lit in his memory. His last word had been my name. He had called out to me and I had not answered." (Wiesel 112)

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses primarily on the relationship between Elie and his father but also refers to a few others in the essay response. (“‘ Behind me, an old man fell to the ground. Nearby, an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster. My hand tightened its grip on my father. All I could think of was not to lose him. Not to remain alone.’ (Wiesel 30) So begins the emotionally gripping relationship between Elie and his father in Elie Wiesel's memoir, Night. Father and son relationships are a common motif throughout the memoir, though much of the action of the memoir revolves around Elie and his father. They are together from the beginning and are only separated by death two weeks before Elie is liberated. The course of their relationship shows the devastating effects of the Holocaust on the minds and hearts of prisoners. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, as well as ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“ In the beginning of their incarceration, Elie and his father's only goal was to stay together. 'Would you like to get into a good Commando?' 'Of course, But on one condition: I want to stay with my father.' (Wiesel 48) Elie knows that he is the only thing keeping his father alive. But soon enough, he turned on his father in subtle, unavoidable ways. While the Kapo beat his father, Elie felt anger toward his father for incurring the wrath of those in charge (Wiesel 54). This straying from familial convention was short-lived at first. Elie again cared for his father, which in turn, created a weakness in himself. When he refused to give a gold crown to the man in charge of them, the man turned his cruelty on Elie's father, day after day. Elie gave in to save his father. Yet the resentment towards his father grew, despite his vows to not give in to it. On the night his father died, he cried out Elie's name. Elie, a bunk above and terrified of repercussions, did not move (Wiesel 111). ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with supporting details about the many circumstances that negatively impacted father/son relationships during the Holocaust. (“ One of the most influential relationships is that of Elie and his God. Before the evacuation, Elie was devoted to religious study. Prayer was more important to him, even more so than his own family. In this way, God became a ‘father’ to him. However, as soon as they entered the camps, Elie became angry with his god for not being just, much like he became angry with his father for incurring the wrath of the soldiers. Then, just like his father, Elie sees God die in the eyes of a hanged child. 'For God's sake, where is God?' And from within me, I heard a voice answer: 'Where is He? This is where- hanging here from these gallows ' (Wiesel 65) ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Although the most obvious father/son relationship was that of Elie and his father, many more were present in the memoir. One of the most influential relationships is that of Elie and his God. Before the evacuation, Elie was devoted to religious study. Prayer was more important to him, even more so than his own family. In this way, God became a ‘father’ to him. However, as soon as they entered the camps, Elie became angry with his god for not being just, much like he became angry with his father for incurring the wrath of the soldiers. Then, just like his father, Elie sees God die in the eyes of a hanged child. 'For God's sake, where is God?' And from within me, I heard a voice answer: 'Where is He? This is where- hanging here from these gallows '”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the text. (“In the beginning of their incarceration, Elie and his father's only goal was to stay together. 'Would you like to get into a good Commando?' 'Of course, But on one condition: I want to stay with my father.' (Wiesel 48) Elie knows that he is the only thing keeping his father alive. But soon enough, he turned on his father in subtle, unavoidable ways. While the Kapo beat his father, Elie felt anger toward his father for incurring the wrath of those in charge (Wiesel 54). This straying from familial convention was short-lived at first. Elie again cared for his father, which in turn, created a weakness in himself. ”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Not only did father/son relationships exist and break for Elie, but for many others within the camps as well. One pipel beat his father and threatened to stop bringing him bread because he had not made his bed correctly. Later, a rabbi was looking for his lost son after the death march, thinking his son had not noticed him falling behind. Elie had seen the son watch the rabbi losing ground, and increased the distance. Even later, Germans threw bread into cattle cars to watch the prisoners fight over them. In the scuffle that ensued, an old man saved a hunk of bread, part for himself and part for his son. His son saw the bread and beat the father until he died, taking the bread. Then the son died protecting the stolen bread from the mob. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization of ideas in the essay response. The essay has a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The use of a poignant quotation from the text effectively engages the readers’ attention from the very beginning of the essay. (“‘ Behind me, an old man fell to the ground. Nearby, an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster. My hand tightened its grip on my father. All I could think of was not to lose him. Not to remain alone.’ (Wiesel 30) So begins the emotionally gripping relationship between Elie and his father in Elie Wiesel's memoir, Night. Father and son relationships are a common motif throughout the memoir, though much of the action of the memoir revolves around Elie and his father. They are together from the beginning and are only separated by death two weeks before Elie is liberated. The course of their relationship shows the devastating effects of the Holocaust on the minds and hearts of prisoners. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ Although the most obvious father/son relationship was that of Elie and his father, many more were present in the memoir. One of the most influential relationships is that of Elie and his God. Before the evacuation, Elie was devoted to religious study. Prayer was more important to him, even more so than his own family. In this way, God became a ‘father’ to him. However, as soon as they entered the camps, Elie became angry with his god for not being just, much like he became angry with his father for incurring the wrath of the soldiers. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Throughout the memoir, broken father/son relationships were used to show how dehumanizing the Holocaust was. The sacred bond between father and son is an archetype all can recognize, and the decomposition of these bonds is also clear to all audiences. The shame of the deterioration of a sacred relationship was echoed in these words: ‘No prayers were said over his tomb. No candle lit in his memory. His last word had been my name. He had called out to me and I had not answered.’ (Wiesel 112) ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Not only did father/son relationships exist and break for Elie, but for many others within the camps as well. One pipel beat his father and threatened to stop bringing him bread because he had not made his bed correctly. Later, a rabbi was looking for his lost son after the death march, thinking his son had not noticed him falling behind. Elie had seen the son watch the rabbi losing ground, and increased the distance. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ Throughout the memoir, broken father/son relationships were used to show how dehumanizing the Holocaust was. The sacred bond between father and son is an archetype all can recognize, and the decomposition of these bonds is also clear to all audiences. The shame of the deterioration of a sacred relationship was echoed in these words: ‘No prayers were said over his tomb. No candle lit in his memory. His last word had been my name. He had called out to me and I had not answered.’ (Wiesel 112) ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Elie knows that he is the only thing keeping his father alive. But soon enough, he turned on his father in subtle, unavoidable ways. While the Kapo beat his father, Elie felt anger toward his father for incurring the wrath of those in charge (Wiesel 54). This straying from familial convention was short-lived at first. Elie again cared for his father, which in turn, created a weakness in himself. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, have a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Line breaks are used to separate and distinguish paragraphs. (“ In this way, God became a ‘father’ to him. However, as soon as they entered the camps, Elie became angry with his god for not being just, much like he became angry with his father for incurring the wrath of the soldiers. Then, just like his father, Elie sees God die in the eyes of a hanged child. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the novel Night by Elie Weisel, the experiences and hardships that Elie and his father, Schlomo, go through changes their relationship. Other boys also go through similiar situations with their fathers in this novel. Elie changes from a happy, well loved and cared for young boy to a sickly, worn out, depressed young man. All of these changes take place in about a year and a half. When Elie looks in a mirror at the end of the story he states "from the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me." The young religious boy had become an old man at the age of 16.

Sholmo was a well respected businessman and leader of the Jewish Council in his hometown of Sighet, Transylvania. Being such a busy man, he did not have much time for his children. Elie spent many hours alone studying Jewish mysticism but respected his father's authority. As more and more restrictions were put on the Jews of Sighet, many people come to Sholmo for his advice. When they were forced to wear yellow stars, Sholmo "did not consider this so grim" and life went back to normal after people got used to the increasingly tougher restrictions. The Jews were then forced into ghettos and were then deported to death camps in cattle cars.

When Elie,s family arrived at Aushwitz, his mother and his little Tzipora were told to go to right and the men were told to go to the left.He never saw them again. Elie told the guard that he was 18 even though he was only 15 so he that could stay with his father and the other men who were chosen to work. He and his dad were shaved, showered, and given thin cotton uniforms. They were put in the same barracks where they slept on hard wooden bunks with thin wool blankets. They ate very little food. As Sholmo became weaker and weaker, Elie had to care for him and look out for him. On New Year's Day, after being in the camp for a few months, Elie kissed his father's hand and they both cried. Elie thought "we had never understood each other so well." Sholmo got beaten and Elie did not dare to defend him. When Sholmo finally died of Dysentery, Elie did not weep and thought " I had no more tears". As time passed, Elie no longer thought of his father but would dream of soup. His hunger and need to survive took over everything.

When the prisoners were forced to run a long distance, Rabbi Eliahu and his son became seperated. His son kept on running and his father died alone. His son's need for survival was more important to him than his own father. On another day, a pipel who was only 13 years old beat his own father for not making his bed properly.

When the prisoners were being transfered in the cattle cars to another camp, the train slowly drove passed a platform filled with citizens carrying on with their own lives. The skeletol bodies of the prisoners on the train shocked them. Some of the bystanders began to throw pieces of bread in the cattle cars and laughed as the prisoners fought over them. One of the prisoners grabbed a piece and crawled back to his spot. His own son jumped on him and choked him to death. "His son searched him, took the bread and began to devour it". The boy was killed shortly thereafter.

The story Night is a devastating story about how father and son relationships can change. Elie became like his father's parent because he had to help him and care for him. However, many of the boys in the novel ended up turning on their own fathers because their need to survive became more important than their love and relationships with their fathers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer selects several instances that define the nature of father/son relationships in the concentration camps and provides adequate details so that readers can imagine the scenarios in their minds. (“When the prisoners were forced to run a long distance, Rabbi Eliahu and his son became seperated. His son kept on running and his father died alone. His son's need for survival was more important to him than his own father. On another day, a pipel who was only 13 years old beat his own father for not making his bed properly. When the prisoners were being transfered in the cattle cars to another camp, the train slowly drove passed a platform filled with citizens carrying on with their own lives. The skeletol bodies of the prisoners on the train shocked them. Some of the bystanders began to throw pieces of bread in the cattle cars and laughed as the prisoners fought over them. One of the prisoners grabbed a piece and crawled back to his spot. His own son jumped on him and choked him to death. ‘His son searched him, took the bread and began to devour it’. The boy was killed shortly thereafter.”)

The essay maintains the same focus as the writer explores the relationship between Elie and his father, and how it changes through their experiences in the concentration camp. (“In the novel Night by Elie Weisel, the experiences and hardships that Elie and his father, Schlomo, go through changes their relationship. Other boys also go through similiar situations with their fathers in this novel. Elie changes from a happy, well loved and cared for young boy to a sickly, worn out, depressed young man. All of these changes take place in about a year and a half. When Elie looks in a mirror at the end of the story he states ‘from the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me.’ The young religious boy had become an old man at the age of 16.”)

The writing style is appropriate for the audience. There is little use of informal language, and an informative tone is established and maintained throughout the essay. (“As Sholmo became weaker and weaker, Elie had to care for him and look out for him. On New Year's Day, after being in the camp for a few months, Elie kissed his father's hand and they both cried. Elie thought ‘we had never understood each other so well.’ Sholmo got beaten and Elie did not dare to defend him. When Sholmo finally died of Dysentery, Elie did not weep and thought ‘ I had no more tears’. As time passed, Elie no longer thought of his father but would dream of soup. His hunger and need to survive took over everything.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“As Sholmo became weaker and weaker, Elie had to care for him and look out for him. On New Year's Day, after being in the camp for a few months, Elie kissed his father's hand and they both cried. Elie thought ‘we had never understood each other so well.’ Sholmo got beaten and Elie did not dare to defend him. When Sholmo finally died of Dysentery, Elie did not weep and thought ‘ I had no more tears’. As time passed, Elie no longer thought of his father but would dream of soup. His hunger and need to survive took over everything.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“As more and more restrictions were put on the Jews of Sighet, many people come to Sholmo for his advice. When they were forced to wear yellow stars, Sholmo ‘did not consider this so grim’ and life went back to normal after people got used to the increasingly tougher restrictions. The Jews were then forced into ghettos and were then deported to death camps in cattle cars.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“When Elie,s family arrived at Aushwitz, his mother and his little Tzipora were told to go to right and the men were told to go to the left.He never saw them again. Elie told the guard that he was 18 even though he was only 15 so he that could stay with his father and the other men who were chosen to work. He and his dad were shaved, showered, and given thin cotton uniforms. They were put in the same barracks where they slept on hard wooden bunks with thin wool blankets. They ate very little food.”)

Organization

The organization of content in the essay is adequate. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with an adequate introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is ample use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the novel Night by Elie Weisel, the experiences and hardships that Elie and his father, Schlomo, go through changes their relationship. Other boys also go through similiar situations with their fathers in this novel. Elie changes from a happy, well loved and cared for young boy to a sickly, worn out, depressed young man. All of these changes take place in about a year and a half. When Elie looks in a mirror at the end of the story he states ‘from the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me.’ The young religious boy had become an old man at the age of 16.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more concrete t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ When the prisoners were forced to run a long distance, Rabbi Eliahu and his son became seperated. His son kept on running and his father died alone. His son's need for survival was more important to him than his own father. On another day, a pipel who was only 13 years old beat his own father for not making his bed properly. When the prisoners were being transfered in the cattle cars to another camp, the train slowly drove passed a platform filled with citizens carrying on with their own lives. The skeletol bodies of the prisoners on the train shocked them. Some of the bystanders began to throw pieces of bread in the cattle cars and laughed as the prisoners fought over them.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that includes a general insight into the nature of father/son relationships during this horrific time in history. (“ The story Night is a devastating story about how father and son relationships can change. Elie became like his father's parent because he had to help him and care for him. However, many of the boys in the novel ended up turning on their own fathers because their need to survive became more important than their love and relationships with their fathers. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Sholmo was a well respected businessman and leader of the Jewish Council in his hometown of Sighet, Transylvania. Being such a busy man, he did not have much time for his children. Elie spent many hours alone studying Jewish mysticism but respected his father's authority. As more and more restrictions were put on the Jews of Sighet, many people come to Sholmo for his advice. When they were forced to wear yellow stars, Sholmo ‘did not consider this so grim’ and life went back to normal after people got used to the increasingly tougher restrictions.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explores several of the father/son relationships described in the selection. (“ When the prisoners were being transfered in the cattle cars to another camp, the train slowly drove passed a platform filled with citizens carrying on with their own lives. The skeletol bodies of the prisoners on the train shocked them. Some of the bystanders began to throw pieces of bread in the cattle cars and laughed as the prisoners fought over them. One of the prisoners grabbed a piece and crawled back to his spot. His own son jumped on him and choked him to death. ‘His son searched him, took the bread and began to devour it’. The boy was killed shortly thereafter. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ When Elie,s family arrived at Aushwitz, his mother and his little Tzipora were told to go to right and the men were told to go to the left.He never saw them again. Elie told the guard that he was 18 even though he was only 15 so he that could stay with his father and the other men who were chosen to work. He and his dad were shaved, showered, and given thin cotton uniforms. They were put in the same barracks where they slept on hard wooden bunks with thin wool blankets. They ate very little food.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. The writer needs to occasionally check the spelling of chosen words. (“ When the prisoners were being transfered in the cattle cars to another camp, the train slowly drove passed a platform filled with citizens carrying on with their own lives. The skeletol bodies of the prisoners on the train shocked them.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the beginning Elie's relationship with his father was strong and he had a lot of love for him and cared a lot about him. They stuck together through it all and kept each other sain at times but as he went on through the death camps and work camps his father grew weak. He was not able to help himself and elie was growing old of his weakness and became a very hard man on the inside his soul rather died. For his father that love turned to not hate but he did not want to help him get through and became angry at his fathers weakness. Thought at times to just leave him and let him die during the camp runs. Towards the end to another work camp, they got lost in a blizzard and he almost lost his father from cold. Another guy he had lost his son but when they got to the camp elie tried to get his father up out of the snow, to get coffee cause he knew what would happen if he stayed there. Others sleeping next to him that would never wake up again and that was the end of his father. At the end of all, that the love he had for his father changed and he only had love for himself to survive he once said he could not keep carrying that dead weight around.

In the beginning elie was a happy kid loved his father a lot and looked up to him. He was very heavy in his religion. When they were put in the ghetto they were still all happy cause they were just closer to there friends and family, and they never had to leave there house.

Nevertheless, when they Nazi soldiers came and started to take away people things went down. Elie and his father were separated from his sister and mother and when they were sent to Auschwitz, people told Elie to say he was 18 so after that moment, he had to grow up and his love was leaving every day after that. As his father grew weaker that made him start to hate him, and then when he started to get beat up he didn't stop them and didn't care. Just went on with his life as his dad struggled along to the point that elie wanted to kill his father him self put him out of his misury, have someone that cares about him kill him instead of someone else. but at the end his weak body gave up and elie was alone. cause when he was sent to the camp he was seperated from his mom and sister indefinitly and would never see them again and they were killed in the holocost.

But after loseing his father the heart he once had as a littlie kid is now hardend into a mans heart. His love for his father is back but when he had his father the love wasnt there, it was turned into love to survive day after day but he was close to his father still through all those feelings to the end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text but makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“At the end of all, that the love he had for his father changed and he only had love for himself to survive he once said he could not keep carrying that dead weight around.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the events occurring between Elie and his father, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Towards the end to another work camp, they got lost in a blizzard and he almost lost his father from cold. Another guy he had lost his son but when they got to the camp elie tried to get his father up out of the snow, to get coffee cause he knew what would happen if he stayed there. Others sleeping next to him that would never wake up again and that was the end of his father.”)

The writer should focus on providing relevant supporting details that would illustrate the many father/son relationships described throughout the story. (“Thought at times to just leave him and let him die during the camp runs. Towards the end to another work camp, they got lost in a blizzard and he almost lost his father from cold. Another guy he had lost his son but when they got to the camp elie tried to get his father up out of the snow, to get coffee cause he knew what would happen if he stayed there.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Just went on with his life as his dad struggled along to the point that elie wanted to kill his father him self put him out of his misury, have someone that cares about him kill him instead of someone else. but at the end his weak body gave up and elie was alone.”)

The writer provides limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In the beginning elie was a happy kid loved his father a lot and looked up to him. He was very heavy in his religion. When they were put in the ghetto they were still all happy cause they were just closer to there friends and family, and they never had to leave there house.”)

The writer devotes much of the content to retelling events rather than developing the many examples of father/son relationships found within the context of the story. (“Nevertheless, when they Nazi soldiers came and started to take away people things went down. Elie and his father were separated from his sister and mother and when they were sent to Auschwitz, people told Elie to say he was 18 so after that moment, he had to grow up and his love was leaving every day after that.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the response. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by giving a glimpse into the existing relationship between Elie and his father. (“ In the beginning Elie's relationship with his father was strong and he had a lot of love for him and cared a lot about him. They stuck together through it all and kept each other sain at times but as he went on through the death camps and work camps his father grew weak. He was not able to help himself and elie was growing old of his weakness and became a very hard man on the inside his soul rather died. ”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Nevertheless, when they Nazi soldiers came and started to take away people things went down. Elie and his father were separated from his sister and mother and when they were sent to Auschwitz, people told Elie to say he was 18 so after that moment, he had to grow up and his love was leaving every day after that. As his father grew weaker that made him start to hate him, and then when he started to get beat up he didn't stop them and didn't care. ”) Using transitional devices (i.e., first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result, etc.) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is weak but it does manage to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ But after loseing his father the heart he once had as a littlie kid is now hardend into a mans heart. His love for his father is back but when he had his father the love wasnt there, it was turned into love to survive day after day but he was close to his father still through all those feelings to the end. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language, and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The essay lacks effective voice and style to engage the readers. (“ At the end of all, that the love he had for his father changed and he only had love for himself to survive he once said he could not keep carrying that dead weight around. ”)

Although the writer manages to create an informative tone while attempting to explore the theme of father/son relationships in Night , he/she also uses informal language, which negatively impacts the credibility of the writer and the effectiveness of the message. (“ He was very heavy in his religion. When they were put in the ghetto they were still all happy cause they were just closer to there friends and family, and they never had to leave there house. Nevertheless, when they Nazi soldiers came and started to take away people things went down. ”)

Many sentences in the essay are weak in structure, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Nevertheless, when they Nazi soldiers came and started to take away people things went down. Elie and his father were separated from his sister and mother and when they were sent to Auschwitz, people told Elie to say he was 18 so after that moment, he had to grow up and his love was leaving every day after that. As his father grew weaker that made him start to hate him, and then when he started to get beat up he didn't stop them and didn't care.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (i.e., an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with the use of line breaks, and the writer should check the spelling of chosen words. (“ Just went on with his life as his dad struggled along to the point that elie wanted to kill his father him self put him out of his misury, have someone that cares about him kill him instead of someone else. but at the end his weak body gave up and elie was alone. cause when he was sent to the camp he was seperated from his mom and sister indefinitly and would never see them again and they were killed in the holocost. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Can you survive without your parents. The Father/Son relationship is not so good because. The father did not care about the son's studies, they did not care for each another in the concentration camps at all, they only cared for each other sometimes. Although the father wasn't that caring you still have to stay close.

The father did not care at all about his studies and when you are a parent you need to support your children no matter what they do. I think being a rabbi is a great career for young boy to understand the values of life.

Even when they were at the concentration camp the father did not say that much. He did not say any words of wisdom or any thing like that. He didn't help him out when he was down.

He only cared for him some times like when they were on the train he was holding him tight and all that. When they were running to the other camp and the father was pulling out of the snow and dirt, telling him to keep running.

Other then this bad fathering, it was sad to see that Elie looked like a corps after they were done with this war. This story was very helpful about how it was like in the concentration camp and I learned a lot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The concept of father/son relationships, in relation to Elie and his father, is mentioned; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“He only cared for him some times like when they were on the train he was holding him tight and all that. When they were running to the other camp and the father was pulling out of the snow and dirt, telling him to keep running.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not devote enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the significance of father/son relationships in Elie Wiesel’s, Night . (“ Even when they were at the concentration camp the father did not say that much. He did not say any words of wisdom or any thing like that. He didn't help him out when he was down. ”)

The writer does not use meaningful examples from the text to support and explain the father/son relationships presented in the story. (“ He only cared for him some times like when they were on the train he was holding him tight and all that. When they were running to the other camp and the father was pulling out of the snow and dirt, telling him to keep running. Other then this bad fathering, it was sad to see that Elie looked like a corps after they were done with this war.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to attempt to address the father/son relationship between Elie and his father but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the relationship and its implications. (“He only cared for him some times like when they were on the train he was holding him tight and all that. When they were running to the other camp and the father was pulling out of the snow and dirt, telling him to keep running.”)

Ample details (i.e., examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the writer’s assertions. (“The father did not care at all about his studies and when you are a parent you need to support your children no matter what they do. I think being a rabbi is a great career for young boy to understand the values of life.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are minimal ideas developed in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Other then this bad fathering, it was sad to see that Elie looked like a corps after they were done with this war. This story was very helpful about how it was like in the concentration camp and I learned a lot.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Can you survive without your parents. The Father/Son relationship is not so good because. The father did not care about the son's studies, they did not care for each another in the concentration camps at all, they only cared for each other sometimes. Although the father wasn't that caring you still have to stay close. ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect a thorough exploration of the impact of father/son relationships in the selection. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or sentences. (“Even when they were at the concentration camp the father did not say that much. He did not say any words of wisdom or any thing like that. He didn't help him out when he was down.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Other then this bad fathering, it was sad to see that Elie looked like a corps after they were done with this war. This story was very helpful about how it was like in the concentration camp and I learned a lot. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice, basic errors in sentence structure and usage, and little awareness of audience.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“ The Father/Son relationship is not so good because.”)

Precise words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ Other then this bad fathering, it was sad to see that Elie looked like a corps after they were done with this war. This story was very helpful about how it was like in the concentration camp and I learned a lot.”)

The repetitive nature of ideas is distracting and undermines the credibility of the writer. (“ The father did not care about the son's studies, they did not care for each another in the concentration camps at all, they only cared for each other sometimes. Although the father wasn't that caring you still have to stay close. The father did not care at all about his studies and when you are a parent you need to support your children no matter what they do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Night this book is about the Holocoust the most shock thing that ever happened on Germany. This book is based on a true history where you can see how jewish people where abused, mistreated and touture. This book also tell us how imporntan is to have a good relationship with your parents and how the love of a son towar his father can surpass all the barriers and the hatred of a group of people by having another religion.

This is that history of a kid the grow up in a midle of violencie and wars.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and the literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. (“Night this book is about the Holocoust the most shock thing that ever happened on Germany.”)

The writer’s ideas are vague, unfocused, and unorganized. (“This book also tell us how imporntan is to have a good relationship with your parents and how the love of a son towar his father can surpass all the barriers and the hatred of a group of people by having another religion.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling confused. (“This is that history of a kid the grow up in a midle of violencie and wars.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The writer lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support his/her assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to attempt to discuss father/son relationships; however, he/she does not develop the idea in any way. (“This book also tell us how imporntan is to have a good relationship with your parents and how the love of a son towar his father can surpass all the barriers and the hatred of a group of people by having another religion.”)

Details (i.e., examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“This book is based on a true history where you can see how jewish people where abused, mistreated and touture.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“This is that history of a kid the grow up in a midle of violencie and wars.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not use paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Night this book is about the Holocoust the most shock thing that ever happened on Germany.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ This book also tell us how imporntan is to have a good relationship with your parents and how the love of a son towar his father can surpass all the barriers and the hatred of a group of people by having another religion.”) Using transitional devices helps to clarify the sequence and flow of ideas. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ This is that history of a kid the grow up in a midle of violencie and wars.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ This book also tell us how imporntan is to have a good relationship with your parents and how the love of a son towar his father can surpass all the barriers and the hatred of a group of people by having another religion.”)

Some of the sentence structures are very weak and contribute to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Night this book is about the Holocoust the most shock thing that ever happened on Germany.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ This is that history of a kid the grow up in a midle of violencie and wars.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Fish Cheeks”

In the short story "Fish Cheeks," author Amy Tan writes an emotional story based on a real-life experience. Through her description of one particular Christmas Eve, Amy Tan shares with the reader her thoughts and feelings about being a Chinese-American girl in America .

Write an essay in which you identify, analyze, and discuss Amy Tan's feelings and emotions, both with respect to the events that took place in the story as well as the more general matter of being different than others. In your essay, be sure to also explain the message that Amy Tan is communicating through her story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The story of Fish Cheeks by Amy Tan is about a Chinese American girl who lives in America . She falls in love with an American minister's son. The boy's name is Robert and he has values that are very different from those of the Chinese people. On the evening of Christmas Eve, the main character finds out that her parents invited the minister's family over for some traditional Chinese dinner. She is shocked and doesn't want to be there because all of her relatives have no proper American manners. During the dinner, she feels very embarrassed and wishes she was an American. After everyone leaves, her mother says that she just wants to be like an American girl and doesn't appreciate her own native values. This story is a mixture of embarrassment, jealousy, and understanding.

A recurring theme in this story is embarrassment. Throughout this whole story, the main character feels embarrassed. She feels hatred towards the manners of her parents and relatives. During the dinner she observes the manners of her family to those of Robert's family. His family eats neatly and waits patiently while her family leaves scraps on the table and dive into the food as soon as it comes to the table. She becomes enraged and wishes her family was like the Americans. A quote from the story that exemplifies this theme is, "What would Robert think about our shabby Chinese Christmas? What would he think of our noisy Chinese relatives who lacked proper American manners? What terrible disappointment would he feel upon seeing not roasted turkey and sweet potatoes, but Chinese food?" This quote displays the feelings of the main character. Notice the words that come from the quote given to you as an example: "Shabby Chinese Christmas," "Noisy Chinese Relatives," and "Terrible Disappointment." These words show that the main character does not appreciate her culture and origin. Another major theme of this book is jealousy.

A major theme of this book is jealousy. To me, jealousy means to try and be something just to be like someone else. In the story, the main character seems to envy Robert and his family a lot. She just wants to be an American and can't appreciate her values. Her Chinese heritage means nothing to her because she is blinded by her love for Robin. Just because she likes this boy, she wants to be an American like him sot hat she will be liked. Although she most likely knows that she is going against her own culture, she doesn't even think twice before taking action. During the whole story, she compares the Americans to her family. To her, the Americans are more neat and sanitary than the Chinese. A quote from this story is, "For Christmas, I prayed for this blonde boy Robert and a slim, American nose." This quote shows jealousy because she says that she wants to have an American nose and prays for the blonde (American) boy Robert. Yet one last major theme in this story is understanding.

Understanding is the most important theme of this story. I have already discussed about two major themes; embarrassment and jealousy. Understanding is the true key to living a life of success. If you don't understand how to do something, then how can you do anything related to that subject? For instance, if you don't know the meaning of words, then you can't read a book property or write an essay that makes sense. In this story, the main character is angry and disappointed in her family and herself. She just wishes that either she was never there, or that her parents had never invited the minister's family over for dinner. A quote from this story that exemplifies understanding is, "After everyone had gone, my mother said to me, "You want to be the same as American girls on the outside. But inside, you must always be Chinese. You must be proud you are different. Your only shame is to have shame."... It wasn't until years later, that I was able to fully appreciate her lesson and the true purpose behind our particular meal." This quote displays understanding because that girl wanted to fit in at first. Gradually, as her mother talked to her, she realized that she was wrong to try to be an American. That is why understanding is the most important theme in this story.

In conclusion, I just want to tell you that you should have learned a big lesson after reading this paper. Don't always follow the bandwagon. Most of the time, it is not a smart thing to do. Also, appreciate your culture and heritage. Almost always, your culture will teach you useful values that you should never forget. Those traditions were supposed to be passed on to you and you need to pass them on to the next generation. You should not be embarrassed by them. Trust me; follow your culture. It will always help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful analysis, the author identifies the various emotions the main character experiences throughout this event and completes the task at a high level through an exceptional analysis of the themes the story communicates to its readers. Moreover, the author demonstrates an understanding of the lesson the story illustrates. (“Almost always, your culture will teach you useful values that you should never forget. Those traditions were supposed to be passed on to you and you need to pass them on to the next generation.”) The author shows a clear understanding of the central idea and makes strong connections between the main character’s emotions and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the story is thorough and accurate. The author cites directly from the original story and explains how these particular quotes help support his/her position. (“’Shabby Chinese Christmas,’ ‘Noisy Chinese Relatives,’ and ‘Terrible Disappointment.’ These words show that the main character does not appreciate her culture and origin.”) The author elaborates on each concept by using supporting information from the text. (“A quote from the story that exemplifies understanding is…”) The wide variety of details and examples give the thesis strong credibility.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction engages the reader with a useful summary of the story, and it ends in a pronounced thesis statement. The conclusion draws from the story and its themes a great life lesson. (“Don’t always follow the bandwagon.”) The body is divided into three paragraphs, each devoted to one key theme from the story, with effective transitional devices between them.

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed using effective and straightforward language that is appropriate for the intended audience. (“Her Chinese heritage means nothing to her because she is blinded by her love...”) The author also uses varied and well-structured sentences. (“Gradually, as her mother talked to her, she realized that she was wrong to try and be an American.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows, for the most part, strong control of conventions and mechanics.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Fish Cheeks" by Amy Tan is one interesting part of a story. It is about how Amy falls in deep love with the minister's son, Robert. He was not a Chinese like herself but a Caucasian. Then, Amy finds out that her parents had invited the minister's family over for Christmas dinner. She worries, for her parents do not know any of the American manners and traditions. The food would not be traditional and the relatives would not be well mannered infront of the true Americans. Here in the short story there are mixed emotions such as embarrassment, love, confusion, compassion, and patience. There are three themes in this story, patience, embarrassment, and tradition.

The first theme is patience. Amy does not show her anger or embarrassment to her parents or her relatives. This shows true patience for she is truly upset about her family not following the American traditions of eating turkey, yams, but only Chinese food such as fish and squid. One quote that shows patience is, "When I found out that my parents had invited the minister's family over for Christmas Eve dinner I cried. What would Robert think about our shabby Chinese Christmas? What would he think of our noisy Chinese relatives who lacked proper American manners?." Here Amy does complain and thinks about her situation but, she does not show any of these signs.

Secondly, the theme is embarrassment. Although Amy does have the patience and nerve to stay together and not burst open of madness, she is VERY embarrassed. This shows especially when her father offered her Amy's favorite part of the fish, the fish cheek. It shows complete embarrassment, for she even wants to disappear. "'Amy your favorite' he said offering me the tender fish cheek. I wanted to disappear." Embarrassment also shows when her relatives murmur and lick the ends of their chopsticks and reach across the table for food instead of asking to pass it.

Thirdly, the theme is tradition. Many countries have very different traditions. In Amy's case, it was the Chinese tradition they followed for Christmas Eve dinner. This story shows the comparison on how different the American tradition and the Chinese tradition is. In Amy's family they eat with chopsticks and not spoons and forks. They eat a big juicy fish instead of a big juicy roasted turkey, and they have different manners compared to the Americans.This quote explains the different manners:"Dinner threw me deeper into despair. My relatives licked the ends of their chopsticks and reached across the table dipping them into the dozen or so plates of food." Here you can see that Chinese people have different ways and manners of eating/getting the food.

In conclusion, "Fish Cheeks" by Amy Tan is a great book, and it sometimes relates to certain families. Some families follow the American tradition while other families follow their own country tradition. Once again this story include three themes, patience, embarrassment, and tradition. Tan shows patience because she does not complain or scream out loud although she really wants too. Embarrassment because she is in love with Robert and does not want to show her Chinese traditions and manners with Americans. Lastly, tradition, because this story compares two different cultures and traditions.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author completes a thorough analysis of the mixed emotions the main character experiences throughout the course of the story. The essay develops a deeper interpretation by connecting the character’s feelings to the central themes of the story. (“The first theme is patience. Amy does not show her anger or embarrassment to her parents or her relatives. This shows true patience for she is truly upset about her family not following the American traditions…”)

Content & Development

The author develops ideas fully and clearly by using accurate details and citing quotes specifically from the story to support his/her argument. (“This quote explains the different manners: ’Dinner threw me deeper into despair. My relatives licked the ends of their chopsticks and reached across the table dipping them into the dozen or so plates of food.’ Here you can see that Chinese people have different ways and manners of eating/getting the food.”)

Organization

The response demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction, a well-developed conclusion, and strong use of transitional devices. The introduction successfully closes with a thesis statement. The conclusion effectively sums up the author’s main points. Transitional phrases are effectively used throughout the body of the essay. (“The first theme is patience.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and language use, as well as some evidence of voice. (“She worries, for her parents do not know any of the American manners and traditions. The food would not be traditional and the relatives would not be well mannered in front of the true Americans.”) Most sentences are well-structured, although some can be improved. (“Embarrassment also shows when her relatives murmur and lick the ends of their chopsticks and reach across the table for food instead of asking to pass it.”) Overall, the essay exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

Generally, the response shows good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Minor errors do

appear, but they do not interfere with the message. (“Once again this story include three themes, patience, embarrassment, and tradition.")

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If you have ever been very embarrassed in front of your crush, you will understand Amy Tan's feelings in the short and true story, Fish Cheeks, written by Amy Tan, Amy gets very embarrassed and sad, but in the end she's proud of being Chinese. Her emotions rise when she finds out that her mom is having a Christmas Eve dinner, with the minister and his family, because she has a crush on the minister's son.

To begin with, Amy is sort of looking forward to her mom's upcoming Christmas Eve dinner. The reason why is because her mom has invited the minister and his family, including the ministers son that Amy has a crush on. When Amy finds out that her mom is cooking all Chinese food that mostly consists of raw fish, Amy doesn't want this dinner to happen. "The kitchen was littered with appalling mounds of raw food." From the time the minister's family sees all of the Chinese food to the minute Amy's dad burps, Amy is full of humiliation. "I wanted to disappear."

Next, Amy isn't accepting that her family is Chinese-American. She doesn't want to be Chinese, because of the food they eat, even though she likes the food, and the way they live. Amy doesn't accept herself because she wants to be like all the American girls that eat American food, and live an American lifestyle. "You want to be the same as American girls on the outside." Even Amy's mom thinks that Amy wants to be just like everyone else.

In the end of the story, Amy is proud of who she is and where she comes from. "You must be proud you are different." She realizes that she should be proud of her Chinese culture, and accept and appreciate herself for who she is. She is proud that she is Chinese-American, and follows the customs of her culture.

To conclude, at first, Amy was embarrassed, but at the end of the story she learns to appreciate herself. Her mom teaches her that it is okay to stand out and be different. Even after Amy was very embarrassed, and felt out of place, she soon realized that she should accept herself and be proud of her Chinese heritage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author clearly attempts to analyze the character’s varying emotions in the story. (“She doesn't want to be Chinese, because of the food they eat, even though she likes the food, and the way they live.”) The essay makes an obvious attempt at establishing a controlling idea. (“Her mom teachers her it’s okay to stand out and be different.”) The analysis can best be described as an adequate and basic interpretation of the story.

Content & Development

The author develops his/her argument based on the three emotional states the character goes through during the course of the story. The response contains some accurate details and examples from the story to support the basic analysis. (“From the time the minister's family sees all of the Chinese food to the minute Amy's dad burps, is full of humiliation. ‘I wanted to disappear.’”) The ideas, however, could have been more fully and clearly developed with more elaboration and stronger examples from the text.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction begins with an attempt to engage the reader. (“If you have ever been very embarrassed in front of your crush, you will understand Amy Tan's feelings in the short and true story…”) Beginning with a transitional phrase, each body paragraph proceeds to generally interpret one of Amy’s emotional states. (“To begin with, Amy is sort of looking forward to her mom's upcoming Christmas Eve dinner.”) The conclusion finally reveals the theme of the story. (“…she soon realized that she should accept herself and be proud of her Chinese heritage.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is accurate, and the sentences are well-structured with some variety. (“When Amy finds out that her mom is cooking all Chinese food that mostly consists of raw fish, Amy doesn't want this dinner to happen.”) Additionally, the author makes an attempt at providing voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author commits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not significantly interfere with the meaning.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short story "Fish cheeks" by Amy Tan the story is about a girl and how she get embarrassed when her parent invite the miniester for Christmas. She is mostly embarrassed because their son Robert she has a crush on. At the dinner her mother prepares a dinner in which is all Chines food and the American are not accustom to. Also they sick there chop sticks into their food that they are supposed to share with the rest of the family. But then years after she then realizes that what her mother told her was true and she should be proud of her culture.

At the very beginning she becomes embarrassed she fells like she wants to be invisible. During the dinner she becomes frightened because her mother serves all the food that she likes, but is scared that the American might not like. She thinks about all the food as disgusting and gross. She uses very descriptive words such as "appalling" and "slimy".

Another reason that Amy felt embarrassed is when her family did some thing that made her face turn red " It threw her into despair". Like when her father told her "Amy your favorite" and her father hands her a fish cheek. Two other way that her family embarrassed her is when they do some quiet disgusting thing such as "they licked the end of their chopsticks and reached across the table, dipping them into the dozen or so plates of food." Which other wise know as double dipping.

But years after she then realizes that what her mother told her " If you want to look American on the outside but you must always be Chines on the inside on American on the outside.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this simple essay, the author provides a basic analysis, with only vague connections between the text and the assigned task. (“In the short story "Fish cheeks" by Amy Tan the story is about a girl and how she get embarrassed when her parent invite the miniester for Christmas.”) Although an attempt is made at offering connections and controlling ideas, they are rudimentary and limited.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some analysis of the main character’s embarrassment, he/she does not discuss other emotions the character may have felt. The essay does discuss the character’s experiences during dinner (“During the dinner she becomes frightened because her mother serves all the food that she likes, but is scared that the American might not like“) but doesn’t provide enough specific and relevant evidence from the text.

Organization

Some evidence of structure is evident within the essay. The introduction is uncertain, though it does make an attempt to summarize the story. (“In the short story "Fish cheeks" by Amy Tan the story is about a girl and how she get embarrassed when her parent invite the miniester for Christmas.”) Two paragraphs make up the body of this essay, but their structure is unclear to the reader. The conclusion, although present, poorly accomplishes its task.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is quite simple (“At the very beginning she becomes embarrassed she fells like she wants to be invisible”), it is not inappropriate for its audience. The word choice, however, lacks sufficient variety and complexity. (“Which other wise know as double dipping.”) An attempt at voice is evident, but the author doesn’t demonstrate audience awareness. (“She thinks about all the food as disgusting and gross.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors do occur that somewhat interfere with the communication of the message. (“ Also they sick there chop sticks into their food that they are supposed to share with the rest of the family.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short story "Fish Cheeks," by Amy Tan she writes about a Chinese-American girl having Christmas Eve dinner with a boy that she really likes. For this meal the menu is very Chinese and the people are American, and Amy is very embarrassed to have a Chinese dinner. Amy just wants to be like every other girl.

"Dinner threw me into despair." Said Amy after her family started to eat. She was so angry at the way that her family was eating. She was not liking the way that her relative's would lick their chopsticks and reach into other platters to grab food, while Robert and his parents would wait patiently for their food to be passed to them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author does state a central idea indicating that he or she has read the story and somewhat understands the task. (“In the short story "Fish Cheeks," by Amy Tan she writes about a Chinese-American girl having Christmas Eve dinner with a boy that she really likes.”) However, the analysis is insufficient and confused. (“She was so angry at the way that her family was eating.’) The author fails to make connections between the text and the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to deliver an interpretation (“Amy just wants to be like every other girl“) is weakened by the brevity of the argument and the lack of reference to the text. Although the author provides the audience with the beginning of an argument (“She was not liking the way that her relative's would lick their chopsticks and reach into other platters to grab food, while Robert and his parents would wait patiently for their food to be passed to them“), the reader is left to wonder who this character really was and what emotions she was experiencing.

Organization

Little evidence of structure is detected in this response. While some sense of an introduction is apparent in the first sentence (“ In the short story "Fish Cheeks," by Amy Tan she writes about a Chinese-American girl having Christmas Eve dinner with a boy that she really likes.”), the essay is brief and lacks a conclusion. Transitional devices are not evident.

Language Use & Style

The author uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and seems unaware of the audience. (“For this meal the menu is very Chinese and the people are American, and Amy is very embarrassed to have a Chinese dinner.”) Problems with sentence structure and word choice detract from meaning.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. (“She was not liking the way…”) Problems with punctuation, grammar, and mechanics show the author’s difficulty managing the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "fish cheeks" Amy Tan goes through some embarrasing times with her family gathering at Christmas Eve.

The thing that makes it embarasing is the boy that she has crush on is envited to Amy Tan's Christmas family gathering. I know how she feels.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author does not complete even a basic analysis of the text. Although there is some semblance of a controlling idea (“In the story "fish cheeks" Amy Tan goes through some embarrassing times with her family gathering at Christmas Eve”), the author makes no connections between the text and the assigned task.

Content & Development

The essay fails to develop any ideas or make reference to the story. The author’s only attempt at developing an idea is too short and adds inadequate support to the central idea. (“The thing that makes it embarasing is the boy that she has crush on is envited to Amy Tan's Christmas family gathering.”) The content isn’t meaningful or developed.

Organization

In the space of four lines, the reader cannot discern any evidence of an Organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction and a conclusion. The response does not contain developed body paragraphs or transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Although the author appears to possess a vocabulary suitable for his/her grade level, it is difficult to discern the appropriateness of his/her language use in such a short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although the language use may be appropriate, the lack of control the author has of the mechanics and conventions of writing is distracting to the reader. (“ The thing that makes it embarasing is the boy that she has crush on is envited to Amy Tan's Christmas family gathering.”)

Helen Keller’s Teacher

Helen Keller was an astonishing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. However, it was not always easy for her to learn. The person who had the most extraordinary impact on Helen’s education was her teacher, Annie Sullivan.

Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the character of Annie Sullivan and the impact she had on Helen’s life. Make sure to use details and examples to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a dark time for Helen Keller until Anne Sullivan arrived. Anne Sullivan was an incredible woman with unbelievable talents. She was raised in an orphanage where she had many surgeries to correct her eyesight. Begging to go to school, she convinced the teachers to let her go. The teachers were so impressed with her insight and intelligence that they recommended her to teach a young blind girl named Helen Keller. It was Anne's demonstration of discipline, creativity, and patience that led Helen out of the darkness.

In the first place, Anne taught Helen with strict discipline. Anne believed, "I saw clearly that it was useless to try to teach her language or anything else until she learned to obey me. I have thought about it a great deal, and the more I think, the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway through which knowledge, yes, and love, too, enter the mind of the child." For example, Anne took Helen away from her home into a cottage to get her to obey her. This showed that she had to get her alone to correct her uncivilized behavior. Using force was one way to get Helen to behave. Often Anne would have to strike and hold her down in order to persuade Helen to conduct herself in a civilized manner. This also shows that Anne knew she had to do unnatural things to teach Helen.

At the same time, Anne's creativity in teaching led to Helen's most important breakthrough. While pumping running water into Helen's hand, Anne made signs into Helen's hands and Helen realized every thing had a name. This shows that Anne had to be inventive to teach a child that was blind, deaf, and mute. Once Anne determined that Helen understood the connection between signs and items, she would take Helen outside and make her touch things while Anne made signs into her hand. This newfangled teaching method provided Helen with the means to communicate. This ultimately demonstrates that Anne’s imaginative methods served as the driving force that enabled Helen to understand the world around her.

Lastly, Anne was an incredibly patient and devoted teacher. "Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose--not the one you began with perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember," imparted Anne. Upon meeting Helen, Anne realized that Helen was uncivilized. Anne took her to a cottage and endured a month with an animal. During her childhood, Anne continued to refine and enhance Helen's living skills as well as her academic skills. This led to Helen being accepted to Radcliffe College , and earning her degree in 1899. Giving up was not part of Anne's character; she was a persistent teacher. Throughout Helen's life, Anne was her assistant, teacher, and her friend. This also showed the depth of Anne's patience and commitment to Helen because most people would just finish the job of teaching and leave.

Anne Sullivan, Helen’s mentor and friend, was the light that helped Helen break through the darkness. Anne helped her throughout life by teaching her manners, educating her, and becoming her loyal companion. Also, the education that Anne provided gave Helen a reason to live because she was blind, deaf, and mute; therefore, she was unable to touch or communicate with the outside world. In life, Helen and Anne taught each other valuable information and used it to teach other blind students in the world. Anne and Helen both devoted their lives to going to schools and teaching other blind children Braille and sign language. They never gave up on each other or on other people. It was their determination and their willingness to live a life full of learning that makes us remember them so fondly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay includes important details that highlight specific information about character and dialogue, thus connecting the essay question to the text. (“Anne believed, ‘I saw clearly that it was useless to try to teach her language or anything else until she learned to obey me. I have thought about it a great deal, and the more I think, the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway through which knowledge, yes, and love, too, enter the mind of the child.’”) The essay includes details regarding specific information about the main character. (“This newfangled teaching method provided Helen with the means to communicate. This ultimately demonstrates that Anne’s imaginative methods served as the driving force that enabled Helen to understand the world around her.”) Relevant points explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“During her childhood, Anne continued to refine and enhance Helen's living skills as well as her academic skills. This led to Helen being accepted to Radcliffe College , and earning her degree in 1899. Giving up was not part of Anne's character; she was a persistent teacher.”)

Organization

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. For example, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ While pumping running water into Helen's hand, Anne made signs into Helen's hands and Helen realized every thing had a name . . . Once Anne determined that Helen understood the connection between signs and items, she would take Helen outside and make her touch things while Anne made signs into her hand. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Lastly, Anne was an incredibly patient and devoted teacher . . . Upon meeting Helen, Anne realized that Helen was uncivilized. Anne took her to a cottage and endured a month with an animal. During her childhood, Anne continued to refine and enhance Helen's living skills as well as her academic skills. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Giving up was not part of Anne's character; she was a persistent teacher .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Also, the education that Anne provided gave Helen a reason to live because she was blind, deaf, and mute; therefore, she was unable to touch or communicate with the outside world. In life, Helen and Anne taught each other valuable information and used it to teach other blind students in the world. Anne and Helen both devoted their lives to going to schools and teaching other blind children Braille and sign language. They never gave up on each other or on other people. It was their determination and their willingness to live a life full of learning that makes us remember them so fondly.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How would it feel like to be both blind and deaf at the same time? Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, overcame many obstacles because of a miracle worker named Anne Sullivan. Helen Keller's teacher, Anne Sullivan, had an extraordinary impact on her life. Anne was 21 years old when she was asked to teach a deaf and blind girl in Tuscumbia , Alabama . The thesis of her life story is that: "When there is a will, there is a way."

First of all, Anne was determined to turn the uncontrolled child (Helen) into a responsible human being. For example, she had written the following to Hopkins (her former teacher): "As I began to teach her, I was beset by many difficulties, but I didn't give up." This shows that Anne had tried very hard to tame the child and had great hopes for her. Although this act doesn't seem to have much significance, it played a very important role in Helen Keller's life. This is because Anne has wakened and "stimulated" her pupil's marvelous mind by teaching her to be respectable. For example, Anne had also written that, "I have thought about it a great deal, and the more I think, the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway to knowledge."

Secondly, Anne wanted and was able to teach Helen how to read and write. Educating Helen is what she did from the moment she arrived. She had failed many times attempting this. For example, she had written to Hopkins that, "At first, I didn't know about how I was going to teach her." This shows that Anne had not abandoned her duty (because she succeeded in the end). Although it might seem like it is not a great accomplishment, Anne had gone through many troubles to create her own method of teaching. She had realized that this deaf, blind child could learn much using her three remaining senses of touch, smell, and taste. Therefore, most of Helen's classes were outdoors. After Helen's breakthrough in understanding the meaning of words, she moved ahead with amazing speed. Within three weeks, she had learned more than 100 words.

Finally, Anne had wanted and helped Helen get into the Radcliffe college. Ms. Keller had passed Radcliffe entrance examinations and joined the college in 1900. She was a great success. This shows that the hard work Anne had put into Helen's education was finally beneficial (even at the cost of her eyes). Although Helen was already determined to get into college, she could have never done it with out the help of her mentor. Anne had manually signed all the class lectures to Helen. She also signed all the texts and books that were not Braille. However, her eyes suffered greatly.

Having the most extraordinary impact on Helen Keller's life is what Anne Sullivan Macy accomplished. The thesis is that when there is a will there is a way. Ms. Sullivan had wanted the best for her deaf and sightless pupil (which is not what many of then got). She was an important and loyal mentor.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary topic well. (“ Helen Keller's teacher, Anne Sullivan, had an extraordinary impact on her life . . . The thesis of her life story is that: ‘When there is a will, there is a way.’”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ First of all, Anne was determined to turn the uncontrolled child (Helen) into a responsible human being.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ For example, she had written the following to Hopkins (her former teacher): ‘As I began to teach her, I was beset by many difficulties, but I didn't give up.’ This shows that Anne had tried very hard to tame the child and had great hopes for her.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the theme of the literary topic, including specific information about characters and dialogue. (“ For example, Anne had also written that, ‘I have thought about it a great deal, and the more I think, the more certain I am that obedience is the gateway to knowledge.’”) The essay includes good, specific details that relate to the main characters. (“ Finally, Anne had wanted and helped Helen get into the Radcliffe college. Ms. Keller had passed Radcliffe entrance examinations and joined the college in 1900. She was a great success.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ Anne had manually signed all the class lectures to Helen. She also signed all the texts and books that were not Braille. However, her eyes suffered greatly.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ How would it feel like to be both blind and deaf at the same time? Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, overcame many obstacles because of a miracle worker named Anne Sullivan.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. ( First of all, Anne was determined to turn the uncontrolled child (Helen) into a responsible human being . . . Finally, Anne had wanted and helped Helen get into the Radcliffe college.”) The conclusion summarizes the main point of the essay well. (“ Having the most extraordinary impact on Helen Keller's life is what Anne Sullivan Macy accomplished. The thesis is that when there is a will there is a way. Ms. Sullivan had wanted the best for her deaf and sightless pupil (which is not what many of then got). She was an important and loyal mentor.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Having the most extraordinary impact on Helen Keller's life is what Anne Sullivan Macy accomplished. The thesis is that when there is a will there is a way.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Secondly, Anne wanted and was able to teach Helen how to read and write. Educating Helen is what she did from the moment she arrived. She had failed many times attempting this. For example, she had written to Hopkins that, ‘At first, I didn't know about how I was going to teach her.’”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ This shows that Anne had tried very hard to tame the child and had great hopes for her. Although this act doesn't seem to have much significance, it played a very important role in Helen Keller's life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Although it might seem like it is not a great accomplishment, Anne had gone through many troubles to create her own method of teaching. She had realized that this deaf, blind child could learn much using her three remaining senses of touch, smell, and taste. Therefore, most of Helen's classes were outdoors. After Helen's breakthrough in understanding the meaning of words, she moved ahead with amazing speed. Within three weeks, she had learned more than 100 words.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It couldn't be easy for Helen Keller's parents to attempt to raise a deaf and blind child. It seems impossible to try to get a deaf child to communicate well, but to be blind as well, seems like no hope. Even though her whole family had little or no hope in her, there was one special person that did. Her name was Annie Sullivan. She had faith in little Helen when no one did.

Not only did Annie Sullivan help Helen overcome her challenges, but she overcame her own. Annie was once blind as well, but with multiple surgeries she regained most of her sight back. From overcoming that phase in her life, she wanted to help other children with these kinds of disabilities. She was contacted by Helen's family to come out and try to help their daughter out. Little did the family know, Annie would help their daughter out in ways no one could have thought of.

Because of Annie Sullivan, Helen was able to live the most normal life as she was able to. Annie started off showing Helen’s parents that, even though Helen is disabled, she still needs to be disciplined. She taught Helen how to behave and how to treat people. Annie took each day one step at a time, knowing each lesson she planned on teaching Helen would take time. Annie then taught Helen what emotions were by having her feel her face and how each action had a reaction to persons emotions. After she taught Helen the basics of emotions she then taught her how to be able to communicate to others when she needed something, like food or water. Then finally she taught her how to write to the outside world.

Helen Keller would have just been a deaf and blind child left to do nothing in life if it wasn't for her teacher Annie Sullivan. Helen later on wrote a book, and even went off to a top class college. Annie inspired her to pursue her dreams, even though the simple things for a person like me and you, was an extreme challenge for her. Helen rose above all the people who ever doubted her, and it was all thanks to her extremely patient teacher Annie.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary topic through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the thesis statement states the writer’s point of view or argument adequately. (“ Even though her whole family had little or no hope in her, there was one special person that did. Her name was Annie Sullivan. She had faith in little Helen when no one did.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ Because of Annie Sullivan, Helen was able to live the most normal life as she was able to. Annie started off showing Helen’s parents that, even though Helen is disabled, she still needs to be disciplined.”) The intended audience is adequately understood. (“It couldn't be easy for Helen Keller's parents to attempt to raise a deaf and blind child. It seems impossible to try to get a deaf child to communicate well, but to be blind as well, seems like no hope.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the text. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis. (“ Not only did Annie Sullivan help Helen overcome her challenges, but she overcame her own. Annie was once blind as well, but with multiple surgeries she regained most of her sight back.”) The essay includes facts, examples, and explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ Annie took each day one step at a time, knowing each lesson she planned on teaching Helen would take time. Annie then taught Helen what emotions were by having her feel her face and how each action had a reaction to persons emotions.”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Helen Keller would have just been a deaf and blind child left to do nothing in life if it wasn't for her teacher Annie Sullivan. Helen later on wrote a book, and even went off to a top class college.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ It couldn't be easy for Helen Keller's parents to attempt to raise a deaf and blind child. It seems impossible to try to get a deaf child to communicate well, but to be blind as well, seems like no hope.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Not only did Annie Sullivan help Helen overcome her challenges, but she overcame her own . . . Because of Annie Sullivan, Helen was able to live the most normal life as she was able to.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Annie inspired her to pursue her dreams, even though the simple things for a person like me and you, was an extreme challenge for her. Helen rose above all the people who ever doubted her, and it was all thanks to her extremely patient teacher Annie.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ She taught Helen how to behave and how to treat people. Annie took each day one step at a time, knowing each lesson she planned on teaching Helen would take time.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ Helen later on wrote a book, and even went off to a top class college. Annie inspired her to pursue her dreams, even though the simple things for a person like me and you, was an extreme challenge for her.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ She was contacted by Helen's family to come out and try to help their daughter out. Little did the family know, Annie would help their daughter out in ways no one could have thought of.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ Helen Keller would have just been a deaf and blind child left to do nothing in life if it wasn't for her teacher Annie Sullivan. Helen later on wrote a book, and even went off to a top class college. Annie inspired her to pursue her dreams, even though the simple things for a person like me and you, was an extreme challenge for her. Helen rose above all the people who ever doubted her, and it was all thanks to her extremely patient teacher Annie.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Annie Sullivan was brought to the house of Helen so that Annie could teach Helen to communicate and her manners. Before Annie got to the house of the Keller's, Helen was a child with no manners and her parents would just let her do what ever she wanted to do. Helen's clothes would be all dirty and ragged. Annie helped alot Helen in her life.

Annie was a great big impact in Helens life, because when Annie took Helen to the other small house, Annie learned alot more things than what Annie had taught her. Also annie was way to rough with Helen but i think that made Helen understand better. I know that Annie's brother died and thats why she is kind of mean and rough. She also was blind and deaf like Helen and that could be another reason why Annie is mean because when she was blind and deaf probably people would treat her bad.

When helen was small she said the word "wha-wha" and she also said it at the end of the story when she an annie were outside getting water from the pump. Thats when Helen knew things and what they were and she could tell you what it was with sign language. The Keller's were very impressed on how Helen knew things and how to communicate. At first when Mr. Keller saw Annie he thought she wouldn't be able to make Helen communicate because he knew that Annie was once deaf and blind. Captain Keller is really mean to Jimmie becuase they don't get along very well. When annie got to the kellers house i thought that she was going to treat Helen very bad. She kind of treated her bad but after Mr. Keller told her to be more sweet to her she didn't really be mean to her.

Actually to be precise i think that Annie loved helen even though what she did to her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a central/controlling idea. For example, the essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“Helen's clothes would be all dirty and ragged. Annie helped alot Helen in her life.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“I know that Annie's brother died and thats why she is kind of mean and rough. She also was blind and deaf like Helen and that could be another reason why Annie is mean because when she was blind and deaf probably people would treat her bad.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the character. (“When helen was small she said the word "wha-wha" and she also said it at the end of the story when she an annie were outside getting water from the pump. Thats when Helen knew things and what they were and she could tell you what it was with sign language.”)

Content & Development

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. In particular, the introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Annie helped alot Helen in her life.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Annie was a great big impact in Helens life, because when Annie took Helen to the other small house, Annie learned alot more things than what Annie had taught her . . . When helen was small she said the word "wha-wha" and she also said it at the end of the story when she an annie were outside getting water from the pump.”) The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“ Actually to be precise i think that Annie loved helen even though what she did to her.” )

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. There is simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, transitions are needed. (“ Annie was a great big impact in Helens life, because when Annie took Helen to the other small house, Annie learned alot more things than what Annie had taught her . . . When helen was small she said the word "wha-wha" and she also said it at the end of the story when she an annie were outside getting water from the pump.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Actually to be precise i think that Annie loved helen even though what she did to her.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ When annie got to the kellers house i thought that she was going to treat Helen very bad. She kind of treated her bad but after Mr. Keller told her to be more sweet to her she didn't really be mean to her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“The Keller's were very impressed on how Helen knew things and how to communicate. At first when Mr. Keller saw Annie he thought she wouldn't be able to make Helen communicate because he knew that Annie was once deaf and blind. Captain Keller is really mean to Jimmie becuase they don't get along very well. When annie got to the kellers house i thought that she was going to treat Helen very bad. She kind of treated her bad but after Mr. Keller told her to be more sweet to her she didn't really be mean to her.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Helen had this teacher who helped her learn thing without being able to see or hear very well. This teacher lady's name was Annie Sullivan, she had to do her best to teach this young disabled girl how to read, write, gear, speak and so on and so fourth.

She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that. Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“Helen had this teacher who helped her learn thing without being able to see or hear very well. This teacher lady's name was Annie Sullivan, she had to do her best to teach this young disabled girl how to read, write, gear, speak and so on and so fourth.”) The writer uses minimal detail that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. (“Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. (“ Helen had this teacher who helped her learn thing without being able to see or hear very well. This teacher lady's name was Annie Sullivan, she had to do her best to teach this young disabled girl how to read, write, gear, speak and so on and so fourth.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ This teacher lady's name was Annie Sullivan, she had to do her best to teach this young disabled girl how to read, write, gear, speak and so on and so fourth.”) The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. There is evidence of poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.”) Exact words are missing. (“ This teacher lady's name was Annie Sullivan, she had to do her best to teach this young disabled girl how to read, write, gear, speak and so on and so fourth.”) The style is not formal. (“ She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“She didn't do very successful because Helen was very rude like putting her fingers in other peoples mouths, eating off other peoples plates an disrespectful stuff like that. Helen didn't learn very well in life how be a normal person she ended up to be a mess up so I would say the teacher either didn't do her job, or Helen was just being rude and uncooperative like usual.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. It includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot character, setting, or dialogue, and a controlling idea is not stated. (“Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Helen Keller was an astonshing person who succeeded in life despite her disabilities. Even though she was blind and deaf. She didn't give up to accomplish her goals. if I would analyze Annie Sullivan character and the impact she had on Helen Keller's life she was very patience, kind, generous, helpful, and experienced.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Human Engineering in “Flowers for Algernon”

In the short story "Flowers for Algernon," Charlie is the subject of an experiment in human engineering that radically changes his life. As the story progresses, the readers learn of great joys as well as great heartaches that Charlie experiences as a result of this experiment.

In a well-reasoned essay, analyze the impact of Charlie's experience with human engineering. Overall, do you think the experiment was positive or negative for Charlie? Why or why not? Be sure to support your interpretation with specific details from the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"All I ever wanted was to be smart," were the words of poor Charlie Gordon. In the short story "Flowers for Algernon" by Daniel Keyes, a man named Charlie Gordon is subject to experimental brain surgery. The whole idea of the story is that Charlie wants to be smarter, as the quote states. After months and months of learning at an adult education center, he is on the verge of losing hope of ever becoming smarter. Two scientists at the clinic had hopes for Charlie though because they were going to perform experimental brain surgery that they believed would triple his intelligence, which in fact it did. The effects of this surgery, as they had hid from everyone, would sadly only be temporary. Once Charlie becomes smarter, he realizes this and tries to figure out a way to make the effects permanent, but is unable to. And so, he inevitably loses his intelligence. Though, there were some positive effects from all of this. He was finally able to be smart which was the one thing he had always wanted. Also, he was able to make his contributions to science. Lastly, he was able to see how people really acted, and what people really meant when they said certain things. Overall, the effects of this surgery were quite positive.

In the story, all of the text is simply progress reports that Dr.Strauss, one of the doctors at the clinic, has requested for Charlie to write. There are numerous spelling and grammar errors, and lack of punctuation. This gives you the idea that this might be a child who is writing until you read this. "I want to be smart. My name is Charlie Gordon. I am 37 years old and two weeks ago was my brithday". This shows that it's not a child speaking, but rather a grown man. This explains why the surgery had a positive effect because afterward, he was able to spell perfectly. In fact, Charlie had an IQ of 68 before the operation, and afterward his IQ was tripled to about 200, which is far above genius level. Another reason the brain surgery was a good thing was because he had always worried about failing tests as he had so many times in his childhood. When he was unable to comprehend the idea of a Rorschach test, it only made matters worse because he thought he failed it. "He wrote something down... and I got skared of faling the test. I told him it was a very nice inkblot with littlel points all around the eges". As shown, Charlie is only worried about passing the test, and he is so mentally scarred from past failiures that he is unable to imagine pictures. This is another reason why the brain surgery had a positive effect because he is able to overcome that fear.

The second reason Charlie's surgery was positive is that he was able to make a contribution of his own to science and he helped Doctors Nemur and Strauss with their research. This made Charlie feel very special, and he could finally work on his research without disturbance. "I've been give a lab of my own... [and] I'm on to something". The quote foreshadows a breakthrough in his research that would later lead to something big. He was working on performing the same surgery on other people that was done on him. His research sadly had shown that increasing human intelligence would work, but the results would only be temporary. "...Artificially increased intelligence deteriorates at a rate of time directly proportional to the quantity of the increase". As you can sadly see, the effect of Charlie's surgery is only temporary. The story also mentions that Charlie doesn't feel any regret or sadness, and he says, "I must not become emotional". It really wasn't too bad of a blow to him, mainly because he knows that it's inevitable and there's nothing he can do to stop the reversal of the surgery.

Another one of the more positive effects of Charlie's surgery was that he was able to see how people were really treating him. I know that you are thinking this is a bad thing because it will completely ruin his outlook on other people, but it was really a good thing. He learned that some people were taking advantage of him, and treating him badly, but he had no idea. "Only a short time ago, I learned that people laughed at me. Now I see that unknowingly I had joined them in laughing at myself. That hurts most of all." As sad as it seems, this was a valuable lesson for Charlie. I'm not holding him accountable; I'm only implying that this helped him to realize when people were taking advantage of him, which is proof to why Charlie's surgery had a positive effect. For example, one time his 'friends' Joe Carp and Frank Reilly had ditched him, and he had no idea because he didn't understand. "I dont remember how the party was over but I think I went out ... and when I came back there was no one their. I looked ... all over till late...I think I got sleepy or sick. A nice cop brot me back home." The sad truth about Charlie before he had his surgery was that he didn't know if people were treating him badly, or taking advantage of him. He just thought that everyone was his friend before he had the surgery.

In conclusion, the operation had a very positive effect on Charlie's life. Despite his lack of mental capability, Charlie had managed to finally live his life's dream of becoming smarter. Though the effects were only temporary, he finally enjoyed being able to be the person that he had wanted to be. No more failing, or being made fun of, or being taken advantage of. He was also able to read and write better than most people. Also, he made contributions to science, which helped Doctors Nemur and Strauss. Third, he learned what people really mean when they said certain things, and what they were really doing when they behaved a certain way. In addition, he learned to realize that some people were taking advantage of him, and he was more aware of people trying to do so. Overall, the effects of the surgery, though temporary, had very positive effects that outnumbered the few amount of minor, negative effects. Mainly, it all depends on how you look at it. In closing, doctors should continue with their research of improving human intelligence, because one experiment leads to another and eventually you have success. Look at spacecraft; people never thought it was possible until they made it. It's the same way with the surgery you just can't give up.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus. The author clearly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“In closing, doctors should continue with their research of improving human intelligence, because one experiment leads to another and eventually you have success. Look at spacecraft; people never thought it was possible until they made it. It's the same way with the surgery you just can't give up.”) The writer also establishes an in-depth analysis of the positive and negative effects of Charlie’s surgery, while addressing the major and peripheral characters that influenced him.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and effective. The writer fully and artfully introduces and develops ideas by using a wide variety of specific and effective evidence and textual references. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to develop connections between the protagonist and the results of his surgery, and then uses those connections to explain the positive or negative effects Charlie had on himself and others. (“Another one of the more positive effects of Charlie's surgery was that he was able to see how people were really treating him. I know that you are thinking this is a bad thing because it will completely ruin his outlook on other people, but it was really a good thing. He learned that some people were taking advantage of him, and treating him badly, but he had no idea. "Only a short time ago, I learned that people laughed at me. Now I see that unknowingly I had joined them in laughing at myself. That hurts most of all." As sad as it seems, this was a valuable lesson for Charlie.”)

Organization

In this essay, the changes in Charlie’s intelligence and their effects on him are effectively established in the opening paragraph. This cause-and-effect pattern is further supported by a cohesive, unified structure and strong conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are sound, and the structure of the essay is cohesive throughout. (“This made Charlie feel very special, and he could finally work on his research without disturbance. "I've been give a lab of my own... [and] I'm on to something". The quote foreshadows a breakthrough in his research that would later lead to something big. He was working on performing the same surgery on other people that was done on him.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, this writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and effective. The author emphasizes the consequences of Charlie’s operation in a diverse and descriptive manner, and he/she chooses words that imaginatively engage the reader. (“Though the effects were only temporary, he finally enjoyed being able to be the person that he had wanted to be. No more failing, or being made fun of, or being taken advantage of. He was also able to read and write better than most people.”) This author’s voice remains well-defined and engaging, and he/she establishes a strong sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits effective control over conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. (“The effects of this surgery, as they had hid from everyone, would sadly only be temporary. Once Charlie becomes smarter, he realizes this and tries to figure out a way to make the effects permanent, but is unable to. And so, he inevitably loses his intelligence.”) Although a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, these errors do not interfere with communication of the writer’s argument.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"All my life I wanted to be smart..." In the short story "Flowers for Algernon," written by Daniel Keys, Charlie is a 37-year-old man with an IQ of 68. All his life he had wanted to be smart like other people, so when he is offered an opportunity to boost his intelligence by experimental brain surgery, he takes the offer immediately. However, the effects of the surgery first make him too smart, and then wear off and leave him with his old IQ of 68. Overall, this was a negative experience for Charlie because he had to leave the town he had lived in all his life, he lost his friends, and he was unable to establish a mature relationship with Miss Kinnian.

Brain Surgery had a negative effect on Charlie because it forced him to leave the town he had lived in all his life. After he lost his intelligence, Charlie couldn't remember what had happened to him, so he went into Miss Kinnian's night school for slow adults and thought he was part of it, she burst into tears because she was sorry for him. This forced Charlie to leave the town because he didn't want anybody to feel sorry for him. This is expressed when Charlie writes, "I dont want Miss Kinnian to feel sorry for me. Evry body at the factery feels sorry and I dont want that eather so Im going someplace where nobody knows that Charlie Gordon was once a genius and now he cant even read or write good." Charlie had to leave the place where he had lived all his life because everybody felt sorry for him and treated him differently than they had before his operation. This is partly why the surgery had a negative effect on Charlie.

Charlie's experience had a negative effect because he lost his friends. His friends at the factory were alarmed because he suddenly became really intelligent, so they made a petition that forced him to leave his job. When he tried to talk to the workers about this, they wouldn't talk to him. The only person who was willing to talk to Charlie was Fanny, who was also the only worker who hadn't signed the petition. Fanny spoke for all the workers when she commented on Charlie's new intelligence, "'Charlie, it's not right.'" This proved to Charlie that none of the factory workers would have anything to do with him. Charlie had lost his friends because of his intelligence.

Increasing Charlie's intelligence had a negative effect on him because he was unable to establish a mature relationship with the woman he loved, Miss Kinnian. Whenever Charlie tried to talk to Miss Kinnian or explain what he said, she just stopped him and laughed. This made Charlie frustrated because he couldn't communicate his feelings correctly. This frustration shows when Charlie writes, "No matter what I try to discuss with her, I am unable to communicate." Charlie was too intelligent to communicate with normal people because when he talked he would always mention something that you would have to be highly intelligent to understand. Some people may think that they would like to be that intelligent, but they don't understand how frustrating it would be to only be able to talk to highly educated people or think about things and read books, because becoming as smart as Charlie would make a person unable to communicate with normal people. This made Charlie unable to communicate his feelings to Miss Kinnian. Overall, Charlie's experience with human intelligence experimentation had a negative effect on his life.

Experimental brain surgery had a negative effect on Charlie because it forced him to leave the town he had lived in all his life, made him lose his friends and also made him unable to establish a mature relationship with the woman he loved, Miss Kinnian. It also was ultimately a failure, because Charlie did not achieve his life's ambition, to be smart, and even when he was smart, he couldn't communicate with normal people. However, doctors should continue researching mental intelligence because we know much more about the brain than we used to and we must also keep researching to stop this kind of negative experience from happening.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong argument regarding whether or not Charlie’s surgery was either positive or negative. (“Experimental brain surgery had a negative effect on Charlie because it forced him to leave the town he had lived in all his life, made him lose his friends and also made him unable to establish a mature relationship with the woman he loved, Miss Kinnian.”) The writer uses direct quotations from the text to support the central idea of this essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative and descriptive. The author clearly introduces ideas using specific, accurate evidence and detailed quotes. (“This frustration shows when Charlie writes, "No matter what I try to discuss with her, I am unable to communicate." Charlie was too intelligent to communicate with normal people because when he talked he would always mention something that you would have to be highly intelligent to understand.”) The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to create a strong overall connection between Charlie’s surgery and its effects. The writer also states how the surgery has influenced the story’s supporting characters.

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines his/her argument concerning Charlie and the effects of his operation. The essay has a cohesive, unified structure that is evidenced by a well-developed opening paragraph and conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. (“Charlie had to leave the place where he had lived all his life because everybody felt sorry for him and treated him differently than they had before his operation. This is partly why the surgery had a negative effect on Charlie.”) The structure of the essay remains cohesive.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The author analyzes Charlie’s predicament in a clever manner, and he/she chooses words that hold the reader’s interest. (“Charlie is a 37-year-old man with an IQ of 68. All his life he had wanted to be smart like other people, so when he is offered an opportunity to boost his intelligence by experimental brain surgery, he takes the offer immediately. However, the effects of the surgery first make him too smart, and then wear off and leave him with his old IQ of 68.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“It also was ultimately a failure, because Charlie did not achieve his life's ambition, to be smart, and even when he was smart, he couldn't communicate with normal people.”) A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Is it right to take someone with less knowledge and triple their knowledge to use them in an experiment. In the fiction book "Flowers for Algernon" written by Daniel Keyes he says that it is right. In the book Charlie Gordon, a mentally challenged man, is used in one of these experiments and gets his knowledge tripled for studies. It's good that Charlie got the surgery because of two things. One, it helped him get smart and two; it helped him write a big scientific report which helped the scientists figure out if the experiment would work.

By doing the experiment on Charlie, it helped him get smart. His IQ was 68 before he had the surgery done on him, but when it was finished it went up so high that the scientists said it'll reach 200. Getting him smart was also good to see how much better he would be doing if he was smarter. Another thing that was good about the surgery was that the scientists wanted to see the result so they could use it on more mentally challenged people to help make them smarter. So doing the experiment benefited Charlie, the scientists, and many people who would need this surgery.

The surgery also helped because it helped Charlie write a big scientific report that would help scientists everywhere. His report is a big thing because it shows how he was before he got the surgery and how he became after the surgery. By getting Charlie smarter and having him write the reports it made it so the scientists could get a look at how it would turn out for other people. So basically by getting the surgery it helped the scientists see his report and see he his life turned out.

So, is it right to get a surgery which boosts your knowledge. To Charlie, it was something needed. By getting the surgery, it helped the scientists figure out to use it on other people or not to. And by getting the surgery and doing the report, it helped the scientists to know that it will soon end up bad in the end. So, it was good getting the surgery. It helped Charlie and the scientists know how the experiment would turn out to be like.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The author maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. (“By doing the experiment on Charlie, it helped him get smart. His IQ was 68 before he had the surgery done on him, but when it was finished it went up so high that the scientists said it'll reach 200.”) The writer establi shes an analysis of Charlie Gordon’s surgery and touches on its overall effects. The writer also uses quotations from the text to support the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. The author introduces ideas using some specific, accurate evidence and textual references. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to adequately develop an argument on the effects of the protagonist’s surgery. (“The surgery also helped because it helped Charlie write a big scientific report that would help scientists everywhere. His report is a big thing because it shows how he was before he got the surgery and how he became after the surgery.”)

Organization

In this essay, the positive changes in the protagonist’s life are identified in the opening paragraph. These elements are supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent. (“Getting him smart was also good to see how much better he would be doing if he was smarter. Another thing that was good about the surgery was that the scientists wanted to see the result so they could use it on more mentally challenged people to help make them smarter.”) The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive; it features an introduction, conclusion, and minimal use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author enumerates the benefits of the protagonist’s surgery in a basic fashion. The writer chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest. (“And by getting the surgery and doing the report, it helped the scientists to know that it will soon end up bad in the end. So, it was good getting the surgery. It helped Charlie and the scientists know how the experiment would turn out to be like.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“In the book Charlie Gordon, a mentally challenged man, is used in one of these experiments and gets his knowledge tripled for studies. It's good that Charlie got the surgery because of two things. One, it helped him get smart and two; it helped him write a big scientific report which helped the scientists figure out if the experiment would work.”) However, errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract from communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Flowers for Algernon," is a very deep and emotional story. "Flowers for Algernon," is a great short story written by the well known author Daniel Keyes. Charlie is the subject of an experiment in human engineering that radically changes his life. As the story progresses, the readers learn of great joys as well as great heartaches that Charlie experiences as a result of this experiment. In the end Charlie gets dumb again and the rest you will need to find out on your own. They should have not done the experiment on Charlie. People should not be able to fiddle with other peoples brains.

They should not have done anything to Charlie. The surgery may have helped them gain more knowledge but what did it do for Charlie. Charlie may have got to be smart and normal but in the end what did it do for him. He lost a lot of friends, and he got really angry when he found out that he was going to be dumb again. This is why they should not have done the surgery on Charlie.

Sure some people think that it was a good thing that they did the on Charlie. You have to think about how he felt. Sure it may have benefited the scientist but did it help out Charlie in the end. Most likely Charlie may have died because of the surgery the same thing happened to Algernon so according to Charlie's hypothesis the same will happen to him. There for they should not have tried to make Charlie or any of the other animals smart.

This is why in the story of "Flowers for Algernon," they should not have made Charlie smart. In the end all they did was kill him. Sure it helped the scientists, but they took an innocent mans life away. Charlie just wanted to be normal not be a genius, but he got killed because of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does attempt to argue that Charlie’s surgery had negative consequences, but the connections are vague. (“Sure some people think that it was a good thing that they did the on Charlie. You have to think about how he felt. Sure it may have benefited the scientist but did it help out Charlie in the end. Most likely Charlie may have died because of the surgery the same thing happened to Algernon.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. The author’s descriptions are somewhat vague and brief, and he/she introduces ideas using little specific or accurate evidence. The author uses very few quotations from the text, and the quotes that he/she chooses make unclear connections with the main idea of the essay. (“They should not have done anything to Charlie. The surgery may have helped them gain more knowledge but what did it do for Charlie. Charlie may have got to be smart and normal but in the end what did it do for him.”) The writer does make an overall attempt to analyze the protagonist’s changes and their effects, but the comparisons are limited.

Organization

In this essay, specific information regarding the effects of Charlie’s surgery is present but limited. Overall, the essay is lacking descriptive support within the introduction, body, and conclusion. (“He lost a lot of friends, and he got really angry when he found out that he was going to be dumb again. This is why they should not have done the surgery on Charlie.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent, and the author’s arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. The author analyzes the protagonist in a basic manner, using generic, non-descriptive words. (“In the end Charlie gets dumb again and the rest you will need to find out on your own. They should have not done the experiment on Charlie. People should not be able to fiddle with other peoples brains.”) The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“In the end all they did was kill him. Sure it helped the scientists, but they took an innocent mans life away. Charlie just wanted to be normal not be a genius, but he got killed because of it.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book "Flowers For Algernon" a man named Charlie is mentally challenged and has to face a lot of hard situations in life. He had to have sugery because of his disabilities. When he was done with his surgery he had to learn proper english and vocabulary. Charlie had a tough time with other people because he was mentally disabled. People made fun of him and called him names, and laughed at him.

In Charlie's life everybody always told jokes about him and played pranks on him. They made him drink alchohal and then made fun of him for being so drunk, of course he didn't know any better. After the surgery everybody started to no like him because he was getting really smart. Doctors give Charlie tests to take and teach him things that he needs to know. Charlie isn't trying to be smart, he just wants to be normal like everyone else.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay. (“Charlie had a tough time with other people because he was mentally disabled. People made fun of him and called him names, and laughed at him.”) The writer makes almost no attempt to analyze the positive or negative effects of Charlie’s surgery on himself and others. The writer also uses few quotations or references to the text throughout the written piece.

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. The author introduces ideas using little specific or accurate evidence. The writer’s use of direct quotations is brief, and he/she struggles to connect them with the main idea of the essay. Any connections between the protagonist’s surgery and its overall outcomes are vague at best. (“After the surgery everybody started to no like him because he was getting really smart.”)

Organization

In this essay, the author includes little information on the protagonist and his overall growth or failure. The writer’s descriptions are lacking detail and incomplete. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument. (“After the surgery everybody started to no like him because he was getting really smart. Doctors give Charlie tests to take and teach him things that he needs to know.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. The author does attempt to analyze the protagonist’s changes, but he/she does so in a minimal fashion and uses non-descriptive language. The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, and he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage. (“In Charlie's life everybody always told jokes about him and played pranks on him. They made him drink alchohal and then made fun of him for being so drunk, of course he didn't know any better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“He had to have sugery because of his disabilities. When he was done with his surgery he had to learn proper english and vocabulary.”) Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"My life was horrible until I became smart".For this story my opinion is that he should be happy for wats in stor for his life. In this short story Flowers for Algernon, a man named charliewho is not that bright but he was told to go to an specicial institute.he goes and gets smart but he figures out that he is dieing so he asks to work at the factory.he dies later on because his brain was going to die.charlie was retarted until he toke the testings.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning. The author fails to establish any type of focus in regards to answering the prompt. ("My life was horrible until I became smart".For this story my opinion is that he should be happy for wats in stor for his life.”) The author does not analyze the protagonist or the relevance of his operation, and he/she uses no reference material or quotations from the text to create any kind of argument.

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequately developed content. The writer’s descriptions of Charlie Gordon and his/her arguments determining the effects of his surgery remain brief, unclear, and are developed in a way that does not fully address the prompt. (“In this short story Flowers for Algernon, a man named charliewho is not that bright but he was told to go to an specicial institute.”)

Organization

In this essay, the author does not develop information regarding Charlie Gordon and the positive or negative influences of his surgery. There is no structure present to support the argument. The author does not provide a visible introduction or conclusion. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are non-existent. (“ he dies later on because his brain was going to die.charlie was retarted until he toke the testings.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner. (“ he goes and gets smart but he figures out that he is dieing so he asks to work at the factory.”) The author demonstrates no awareness of an audience and no use of voice. There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message. (“ For this story my opinion is that he should be happy for wats in stor for his life.”)

Influence of Gangs on Characters in The Outsiders

After reading The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton, choose a character from one of the gangs, and think about how he reacted to his role in the gang. How did the gang influence the decisions he made? Did stereotyping, peer pressure, the role of parents, lack of parents, and societal expectations affect this character's actions?

In a well-developed essay, discuss one or more of the characters from the novel, their role in the gang, and how the gang influenced their decisions. Include specific evidence from the novel to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In The Outsiders, there is a gang of seven friends, a group of Greasers. Every member of the gang develops a character unlike the others, which depends on the influence the other gang members have on him. Every boy plays a specific role in the gang and every boy has his own different and individual qualities. The gang influences these boys to make the decisions they make and the actions they take. There are three characters that have different roles in the gang, from the "protector" to the "protected”. "The gang" isn't the only thing that influences them though, their parents, or lack of parents, and their societal expectations change the way they act too.

Darryl Curtis is the "father" to Sodapop and Ponyboy, his two younger brothers. Since their parents died in an auto wreck, Darryl has to be the adult of the family, at just twenty years of age. He had to give up his opportunity at college and a successful life to work two jobs to support himself and his brothers. He gave up his future, for the future of his brothers. He had to take all of the responsibility because of the situation he was put in. Darryl had to be especially strict on his two brothers, Ponyboy in particular, because if any of the three brothers got into trouble with the police, they would be put into a boy’s home, and be separated. Darryl would be what we call the "unofficial" leader of the gang. Darryl isn't the one you would expect to be a Greaser, he had the brains, the brawn, and he could have been successful, but with the gang and his brothers to take care of, he was held back from being a Social. Along with having the brains, he wasn't the typical smoking Greaser either, he knew what was good for him. Darryl's character was loving and caring for family and friends, and they were more important than doing things for his own good and preservation.

Johnny Cade is the second youngest kid of the gang; he is sixteen. Johnny has parents that constantly get drunk, and forget he is even there. They ignore him and do not care for him; the only attention they show is hitting him once in a while. The lack of his parents' love made him depend on the gang for that critical source of support. The gang loved him and cared for him, and always had open arms for him. Johnny was beaten up badly by a Social one day, which made him traumatized and nervous almost always. Johnny could not stand how society was split up between two ranks: Socials and Greasers. Being a Greaser, Johnny experienced and witnessed a lot of things. Johnny always wanted to be a hero, like Dally, whom he saw as a hero. He wanted to be gallant and needed, not always the one that was “in need”. One night while he and Ponyboy were strolling through the park, they were jumped by the Socials, who had previously beat up Johnny. As the Socs were trying to drown Ponyboy in the fountain, Johnny had no other choice but to save him, which meant killing the Social. Johnny stabbed Bob, the leader of the Socials. He was all stirred up after the murder. A few days later, while hiding out in a church, the church caught on fire with small youngsters trapped inside. Johnny ran inside to save the children from getting burned; in doing that, it made him risk his own life. As he saved the last child, a piece of timber dropped on his back, and he got badly burned. Even before they arrived at the hospital, he was injured with a broken back, third-degree burns, and was suffering from severe shock. Once the gang found out he was in such a critical condition, they were all in shock too. After a couple of days, Dally and Pony, the ones who were closest to Johnny, went to visit him, only to find out that he was dying. Johnny was okay about it though, he thought it was worth it, he thought that saving those kids was all worth it. When Johnny was needed, he was there, and he was finally, a hero. Johnny was gallant and died knowing more than the other gang members did about life.

Dally Winston was a seventeen year old hood. He was hard, cold, and independent. Being in jail caused him to become hard and cold. His parents did not care about him, and eventually, he felt the same way too. The lack of love from his parents left him to fend for himself. Dally was the "wild" one in the gang, and I think he liked his role because he didn't have anyone to direct him and tell him he was wrong. Even though he was in the gang, he was often alone. Dally acted the way a hoodlum should act; he was reckless, carefree, and he did as he pleased. He never had parents that cared about what he did, so he never knew any better. Dally loved Johnny; Johnny was the one person that Dally truly loved and cared for, which is why when Johnny died, it drove Dally to the edge. Dally drove himself to his own death; he thought Johnny's death was his fault, and just like that, he committed suicide by purposely displaying an unloaded gun during a robbery, prompting police officers to gun him down. Dally never really thought before he acted, and in a blink of an eye, he was gone.

Each boy in The Outsiders has a different character and things that influenced them to make the choices they made in the story. Most of the characters transition throughout the story; they develop different qualities from when they first affiliated themselves with the gang. Both Greasers and Socials each had their own distinct personalities, and their families and friends usually made their decisions based on the outside influences in their lives. Greasers all look the same on the outside, but on the inside, they are all different people; they also have similarities with the Socials. Just because the Socials are higher ranked, does not mean that they cannot enjoy the same things as Greasers do. For instance, Ponyboy, a Greaser, and Cherry Valance, a Social, both enjoy watching sunsets, which is also the way they connect with one another. When they see the same sunset, it reminds them that no matter who they are, or where they are, everyone can always relate to and influence each other, one way or another.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“As he saved the last child, a piece of timber dropped on his back, and he got badly burned. Even before they arrived at the hospital, he was injured with a broken back, third-degree burns, and was suffering from severe shock. Once the gang found out he was in such a critical condition, they were all in shock too. After a couple of days, Dally and Pony, the ones who were closest to Johnny, went to visit him, only to find out that he was dying. Johnny was okay about it though, he thought it was worth it, he thought that saving those kids was all worth it. When Johnny was needed, he was there, and he was finally, a hero. Johnny was gallant and died knowing more than the other gang members did about life.”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Each boy in The Outsiders has a different character and things that influenced them to make the choices they made in the story. Most of the characters transition throughout the story; they develop different qualities from when they first affiliated themselves with the gang. Both Greasers and Socials each had their own distinct personalities, and their families and friends usually made their decisions based on the outside influences in their lives.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Johnny Cade is the second youngest kid of the gang; he is sixteen. Johnny has parents that constantly get drunk, and forget he is even there. They ignore him and do not care for him; the only attention they show is hitting him once in a while. The lack of his parents' love made him depend on the gang for that critical source of support. The gang loved him and cared for him, and always had open arms for him. Johnny was beaten up badly by a Social one day, which made him traumatized and nervous almost always. Johnny could not stand how society was split up between two ranks: Socials and Greasers. Being a Greaser, Johnny experienced and witnessed a lot of things. Johnny always wanted to be a hero, like Dally, whom he saw as a hero. He wanted to be gallant and needed, not always the one that was ‘in need’.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Darryl had to be especially strict on his two brothers, Ponyboy in particular, because if any of the three brothers got into trouble with the police, they would be put into a boy’s home, and be separated. Darryl would be what we call the ‘unofficial’ leader of the gang. Darryl isn't the one you would expect to be a Greaser, he had the brains, the brawn, and he could have been successful, but with the gang and his brothers to take care of, he was held back from being a Social.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Dally Winston was a seventeen year old hood. He was hard, cold, and independent. Being in jail caused him to become hard and cold. His parents did not care about him, and eventually, he felt the same way too. The lack of love from his parents left him to fend for himself. Dally was the ‘wild’ one in the gang, and I think he liked his role because he didn't have anyone to direct him and tell him he was wrong. Even though he was in the gang, he was often alone.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details about individual characters with clear references to the story. (“Dally loved Johnny; Johnny was the one person that Dally truly loved and cared for, which is why when Johnny died, it drove Dally to the edge. Dally drove himself to his own death; he thought Johnny's death was his fault, and just like that, he committed suicide by purposely displaying an unloaded gun during a robbery, prompting police officers to gun him down. Dally never really thought before he acted, and in a blink of an eye, he was gone.”)

Organization

The introduction thoughtfully captures the readers’ attention by describing the dynamics of a gang, and how roles and influences affect outcomes in the lives of the characters in the story, The Outsiders . (“ In The Outsiders, there is a gang of seven friends, a group of Greasers. Every member of the gang develops a character unlike the others, which depends on the influence the other gang members have on him. Every boy plays a specific role in the gang and every boy has his own different and individual qualities. The gang influences these boys to make the decisions they make and the actions they take. There are three characters that have different roles in the gang, from the ‘protector’ to the ‘protected’. ‘The gang’ isn't the only thing that influences them though, their parents, or lack of parents, and their societal expectations change the way they act too.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used to promote the flow of ideas in the essay. (“ Being a Greaser, Johnny experienced and witnessed a lot of things. Johnny always wanted to be a hero, like Dally, whom he saw as a hero. He wanted to be gallant and needed, not always the one that was ‘in need’. One night while he and Ponyboy were strolling through the park, they were jumped by the Socials, who had previously beat up Johnny.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Greasers all look the same on the outside, but on the inside, they are all different people; they also have similarities with the Socials. Just because the Socials are higher ranked, does not mean that they cannot enjoy the same things as Greasers do. For instance, Ponyboy, a Greaser, and Cherry Valance, a Social, both enjoy watching sunsets, which is also the way they connect with one another. When they see the same sunset, it reminds them that no matter who they are, or where they are, everyone can always relate to and influence each other, one way or another.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant characters in the story, The Outsiders , and examines some of the influences that affected these characters’ decisions. (“ Darryl Curtis is the ‘father’ to Sodapop and Ponyboy, his two younger brothers. Since their parents died in an auto wreck, Darryl has to be the adult of the family, at just twenty years of age. He had to give up his opportunity at college and a successful life to work two jobs to support himself and his brothers. He gave up his future, for the future of his brothers. He had to take all of the responsibility because of the situation he was put in.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of three main characters for the readers, so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the relationship between these characters, their roles within the gang, and the people who influenced them to act in the ways they did. (“ Johnny Cade is the second youngest kid of the gang; he is sixteen. Johnny has parents that constantly get drunk, and forget he is even there. They ignore him and do not care for him; the only attention they show is hitting him once in a while. The lack of his parents' love made him depend on the gang for that critical source of support. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Darryl would be what we call the ‘unofficial’ leader of the gang. Darryl isn't the one you would expect to be a Greaser, he had the brains, the brawn, and he could have been successful, but with the gang and his brothers to take care of, he was held back from being a Social. Along with having the brains, he wasn't the typical smoking Greaser either, he knew what was good for him. Darryl's character was loving and caring for family and friends, and they were more important than doing things for his own good and preservation.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Darryl would be what we call the ‘unofficial’ leader of the gang. Darryl isn't the one you would expect to be a Greaser, he had the brains, the brawn, and he could have been successful, but with the gang and his brothers to take care of, he was held back from being a Social.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the novel, The Outsiders, written by S.E. Hinton the character of Dallas Winston is known as Dally. Dally takes the role of the bully in the gang. Dally takes his role seriously because he does not like people messing around. Usually, when one of the gang members pulls a stupid move he either calls them out or hits them in some sort. Dally has difficult situations in his life such as not having parents in his life and pressure. He has to take on different obstacles, but he usually does it with the help of his gang. Even though he can be a bully, he really does have true and honest feelings for the gang, who really are his only family.

The crazed boy has a very odd home life compared to the people in the gang, but he can relate to Johnny who, like him, has the same problem at home. Dally's parents don't care if he is either dead or alive. His parents have never really cared about his well being. Dally's parents never play any role in his life even when he is in a dangerous situation. Since Dally doesn't really have an authority figure in his life he gets into situations that can get him into jail. Dally chooses what he wants to do and when he wants to do it because no one can tell him otherwise. Unfortunately, Dally only has one true family and that is the gang.

Dally is marked as a bad guy when people first meet him. Socs and other Greasers classify him as a thug because he wears ratty clothes and carries weapons with him and he has no manners. Dally grew up on the bad side of town so he doesn't really know what the good life is. People judge Dally because he drinks and smokes and he is under age so they usually classify him as a stereotypical thug. Dally doesn't make the brightest decisions in the world but sometimes it's because he has the trademark of a being a thug and he doesn't care if what he does is bad or not. Dally likes being called a thug because it makes him feel stronger and that people won't mess with him if someone comes up to him because they know who he is and what he has done.

Dally is affected by peer pressure immensely. When in prison, Dally got the reputation of being hard. If Dally showed any feeling of care toward another he would get the reputation of being soft and he didn't want that reputation. Once Dally got out of prison, everyone in and out knew how bad he was. He would carry weapons with him and he would slash people's tires. Other Greasers would pressure him to try alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes but he wasn't afraid to try them because he had nothing to lose. Drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes had a big change on his life because it gave him the reputation he has today which is a no good thug.

Even though Dally was hard and emotionless, he cared for people that he was close to deep down. Dally's favorite was Johnny Cade because he was the "pet" of the gang and no one would mess with him because he was so innocent. Dally never showed care for anyone, but you slowly realize that he did care for his gang member when his favorite, Johnny, got in trouble with the cops. Dally did care if his friends turned hard like him because he couldn't stand and watch another "him" happen. He doesn't want to watch another "him" happen because he couldn't stand that it was happening to him but no one would care so he did it anyway. He cares for his gang and doesn't want it to happen to them. Dally may be marked as a rude and irresponsible thug but deep down, when you get to know him, he has a big heart and its open for those who are willing to look for it.

As you can see, Dally was marked as a no-good thug, but he was judged because of it and no one looked for his true caring self. Even though he had to teach some people a lesson, it didn't always mean he was a bad person. Dally has a lot of pressure that he has to face in his life, but he always gets through it with the help of his gang. Dally had a hard life that he had to face and it was difficult to endure without any help from his family. That is the main reason why he did what he did. Some people feel sorry for Dally for the way he acts and some fear going near him, but Dally doesn't care what people think he likes the way he lives and how he chooses to live life. Dally, deep down under, really cared for Johnny so when he died, he just couldn't take it anymore with all the crazy things going on in his life. Dally was like a lost soul, trying to find his way home. But when those cops shot him, I believe he finally found his way home, with his best friend Johnny Cade.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the character Dally Winston and the influences that affected his continuous bad decision making throughout the story. The writer is effective in this approach and consistently maintains that same focus throughout the essay. (“ Even though Dally was hard and emotionless, he cared for people that he was close to deep down. Dally's favorite was Johnny Cade because he was the "pet" of the gang and no one would mess with him because he was so innocent. Dally never showed care for anyone, but you slowly realize that he did care for his gang member when his favorite, Johnny, got in trouble with the cops.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Dally is affected by peer pressure immensely. When in prison, Dally got the reputation of being hard. If Dally showed any feeling of care toward another he would get the reputation of being soft and he didn't want that reputation. Once Dally got out of prison, everyone in and out knew how bad he was. He would carry weapons with him and he would slash people's tires. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the factors and people that influenced Dally in his role in the Greaser gang. (“ The crazed boy has a very odd home life compared to the people in the gang, but he can relate to Johnny who, like him, has the same problem at home. Dally's parents don't care if he is either dead or alive. His parents have never really cared about his well being. Dally's parents never play any role in his life even when he is in a dangerous situation. Since Dally doesn't really have an authority figure in his life he gets into situations that can get him into jail. Dally chooses what he wants to do and when he wants to do it because no one can tell him otherwise. Unfortunately, Dally only has one true family and that is the gang. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the influences that affected Dally’s decisions in the story. (“ Dally is affected by peer pressure immensely. When in prison, Dally got the reputation of being hard. If Dally showed any feeling of care toward another he would get the reputation of being soft and he didn't want that reputation. Once Dally got out of prison, everyone in and out knew how bad he was. He would carry weapons with him and he would slash people's tires. Other Greasers would pressure him to try alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes but he wasn't afraid to try them because he had nothing to lose. Drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes had a big change on his life because it gave him the reputation he has today which is a no good thug. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Dally's favorite was Johnny Cade because he was the ‘pet’ of the gang and no one would mess with him because he was so innocent. Dally never showed care for anyone, but you slowly realize that he did care for his gang member when his favorite, Johnny, got in trouble with the cops. Dally did care if his friends turned hard like him because he couldn't stand and watch another ‘him’ happen. He doesn't want to watch another ‘him’ happen because he couldn't stand that it was happening to him but no one would care so he did it anyway. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“As you can see, Dally was marked as a no-good thug, but he was judged because of it and no one looked for his true caring self. Even though he had to teach some people a lesson, it didn't always mean he was a bad person. Dally has a lot of pressure that he has to face in his life, but he always gets through it with the help of his gang.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. It presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The beginning of the essay introduces us to Dallas Winston and the writer pointedly paints a picture of what this character is like in the story, The Outsiders . (“ In the novel, The Outsiders, written by S.E. Hinton the character of Dallas Winston is known as Dally. Dally takes the role of the bully in the gang. Dally takes his role seriously because he does not like people messing around. Usually, when one of the gang members pulls a stupid move he either calls them out or hits them in some sort. Dally has difficult situations in his life such as not having parents in his life and pressure. He has to take on different obstacles, but he usually does it with the help of his gang. Even though he can be a bully, he really does have true and honest feelings for the gang, who really are his only family. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Dally's parents never play any role in his life even when he is in a dangerous situation. Since Dally doesn't really have an authority figure in his life he gets into situations that can get him into jail. Dally chooses what he wants to do and when he wants to do it because no one can tell him otherwise. Unfortunately, Dally only has one true family and that is the gang. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Dally, deep down under, really cared for Johnny so when he died, he just couldn't take it anymore with all the crazy things going on in his life. Dally was like a lost soul, trying to find his way home. But when those cops shot him, I believe he finally found his way home, with his best friend Johnny Cade. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Dally is marked as a bad guy when people first meet him. Socs and other Greasers classify him as a thug because he wears ratty clothes and carries weapons with him and he has no manners. Dally grew up on the bad side of town so he doesn't really know what the good life is. People judge Dally because he drinks and smokes and he is under age so they usually classify him as a stereotypical thug. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Dally did care if his friends turned hard like him because he couldn't stand and watch another ‘him’ happen. He doesn't want to watch another ‘him’ happen because he couldn't stand that it was happening to him but no one would care so he did it anyway ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ The crazed boy has a very odd home life compared to the people in the gang, but he can relate to Johnny who, like him, has the same problem at home. Dally's parents don't care if he is either dead or alive. His parents have never really cared about his well being. Dally's parents never play any role in his life even when he is in a dangerous situation. Since Dally doesn't really have an authority figure in his life he gets into situations that can get him into jail. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. However, there are some run-on sentences in the essay that should be separated or connected with commas in appropriate places. (“ Dally likes being called a thug because it makes him feel stronger and that people won't mess with him if someone comes up to him because they know who he is and what he has done. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the Outsiders each character has a specific role in their own society. Cherry Valance played a role of a Soc, also known as socials. She met Ponyboy, and many other Greasers at a drive-in movie theatre. When her boyfriend Bob began drinking a few, she decided she didn't want to be around him during the phaze. So, she chose to go to the drive-in with her friend, Marcia. After she met Ponyboy she saw that Greasers aren't all different from the Socs society, and that they can be trusted individually and equally.

When Ponyboy was away with Johnny, Cherry Valance began spying on the Socs for the Greasers. This made it easier for her to be trusted by the Greasers, and helped the Greasers know of the Socs cunning plans. Cherry thought of how she knew Ponyboy, and figured she should help his family and friends with their problems. As she helped them she felt trusted and equal, like a Greaser. She kept in mind that Johnny killed Bob, and couldn't speak to him about what she thought on the subject. When it came to the point where Johnny was in the hospital she refused to talk to him, no matter how much she wanted to. Her view of Bob was much different than what everyone else thought about him. Cherry tried explaining to everyone how he wasn't all bad and that he was killed to soon, but nobody really understood as much as Pony did.

These decisions resulted in a rumble where everyone fought until the arguement was settled. Greasers, Socs, and the Sheppards all engaged in the war which resulted into injuries and pain. She was still considered a Socs, but she was more like a friend to the Greasers. After everything was said and done she began to talk to Ponyboy more. When it came to the point where the war seized she began to be a peacemaker in her own sense. She helped look out for both gangs (enemies), and played her own role in her society.

The outside factors that probably influenced this role may have been her new "friends", the Greasers. She may have felt like she was slightly treated better than she was as a Soc, yet badly insulted by Darry. When Bob was killed she felt as if she had owned it to the Greasers to help them. She felt like she was supposed to do something good to try and help the feud seize. In order to do that, she had to report what the Greasers were doing and what the plan was.

In all, this character, Cherry Valance, helped the story in a short role. She was involoved with both sides of the "groups" and helped make the decisions to settle an arguement between Bob and Ponyboy. After all was said and done Cherry began making the decision whether to trust the Greasers and the Socs. It wasn't exactly hard for her to decide how she could trust them but it was hard for her to forgive people for what they did. Not everyone could do what she did, yet, nobody else really volunteered. She chose to help the Greasers to satisfy and unify both enemies, then ended by helping them both gain the necessary needs to carry on with their business.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the character of Cherry Valance from The Outsiders and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the character’s influences and her role in the gangs she associates herself with in the story. (“When Ponyboy was away with Johnny, Cherry Valance began spying on the Socs for the Greasers. This made it easier for her to be trusted by the Greasers, and helped the Greasers know of the Socs cunning plans. Cherry thought of how she knew Ponyboy, and figured she should help his family and friends with their problems.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately outlines Cherry Valance’s motivations for helping the gang members and the people who influenced her the most. (“These decisions resulted in a rumble where everyone fought until the arguement was settled. Greasers, Socs, and the Sheppards all engaged in the war which resulted into injuries and pain. She was still considered a Socs, but she was more like a friend to the Greasers. After everything was said and done she began to talk to Ponyboy more. When it came to the point where the war seized she began to be a peacemaker in her own sense. She helped look out for both gangs (enemies), and played her own role in her society.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer adequately immerses the readers into the mind and motivations of Cherry Valance, so the appreciation for the importance of her roles in both gangs can be achieved. (“In all, this character, Cherry Valance, helped the story in a short role. She was involoved with both sides of the "groups" and helped make the decisions to settle an arguement between Bob and Ponyboy. After all was said and done Cherry began making the decision whether to trust the Greasers and the Socs. It wasn't exactly hard for her to decide how she could trust them but it was hard for her to forgive people for what they did. Not everyone could do what she did, yet, nobody else really volunteered. She chose to help the Greasers to satisfy and unify both enemies, then ended by helping them both gain the necessary needs to carry on with their business.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“These decisions resulted in a rumble where everyone fought until the arguement was settled. Greasers, Socs, and the Sheppards all engaged in the war which resulted into injuries and pain. She was still considered a Socs, but she was more like a friend to the Greasers. After everything was said and done she began to talk to Ponyboy more. When it came to the point where the war seized she began to be a peacemaker in her own sense. She helped look out for both gangs (enemies), and played her own role in her society.”)

The essay should include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text to give more depth to the response. The writer only tells the audience what the character says, rather than incorporating the character’s actual words into the response. (“When it came to the point where Johnny was in the hospital she refused to talk to him, no matter how much she wanted to. Her view of Bob was much different than what everyone else thought about him. Cherry tried explaining to everyone how he wasn't all bad and that he was killed to soon, but nobody really understood as much as Pony did.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“She was involoved with both sides of the "groups" and helped make the decisions to settle an arguement between Bob and Ponyboy. After all was said and done Cherry began making the decision whether to trust the Greasers and the Socs. It wasn't exactly hard for her to decide how she could trust them but it was hard for her to forgive people for what they did. Not everyone could do what she did, yet, nobody else really volunteered.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the Outsiders each character has a specific role in their own society. Cherry Valance played a role of a Soc, also known as socials. She met Ponyboy, and many other Greasers at a drive-in movie theatre. When her boyfriend Bob began drinking a few, she decided she didn't want to be around him during the phaze. So, she chose to go to the drive-in with her friend, Marcia. After she met Ponyboy she saw that Greasers aren't all different from the Socs society, and that they can be trusted individually and equally.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ She was still considered a Socs, but she was more like a friend to the Greasers. After everything was said and done she began to talk to Ponyboy more. When it came to the point where the war seized she began to be a peacemaker in her own sense. She helped look out for both gangs (enemies), and played her own role in her society.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In all, this character, Cherry Valance, helped the story in a short role. She was involoved with both sides of the "groups" and helped make the decisions to settle an arguement between Bob and Ponyboy. After all was said and done Cherry began making the decision whether to trust the Greasers and the Socs. It wasn't exactly hard for her to decide how she could trust them but it was hard for her to forgive people for what they did. Not everyone could do what she did, yet, nobody else really volunteered. She chose to help the Greasers to satisfy and unify both enemies, then ended by helping them both gain the necessary needs to carry on with their business. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ When Ponyboy was away with Johnny, Cherry Valance began spying on the Socs for the Greasers. This made it easier for her to be trusted by the Greasers, and helped the Greasers know of the Socs cunning plans. Cherry thought of how she knew Ponyboy, and figured she should help his family and friends with their problems.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she captures the essence of Cherry Valance, her influences, and her motivations for the choices she makes. (“ The outside factors that probably influenced this role may have been her new "friends", the Greasers. She may have felt like she was slightly treated better than she was as a Soc, yet badly insulted by Darry. When Bob was killed she felt as if she had owned it to the Greasers to help them. She felt like she was supposed to do something good to try and help the feud seize. In order to do that, she had to report what the Greasers were doing and what the plan was.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ When her boyfriend Bob began drinking a few, she decided she didn't want to be around him during the phaze. So, she chose to go to the drive-in with her friend, Marcia. After she met Ponyboy she saw that Greasers aren't all different from the Socs society, and that they can be trusted individually and equally.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and begins each sentence with a capital letter. However, the writer needs to check the spelling of certain words in the essay. (“ In all, this character, Cherry Valance, helped the story in a short role. She was involoved with both sides of the "groups" and helped make the decisions to settle an arguement between Bob and Ponyboy.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The character that makes his hardest decision is Darry, his role in the gang is Ponyboy and Soda's brother. As you know he made lots of decisions about himself and his family. And some decision he made himself put him to a peer pressure. He also cares about Ponyboy, he worried about him, teach him the right things and tell him to stay out of trouble. Here's some decision he made:

Darry had made a decision that he won't go to college with his sport scholarship because he didn't have money to support. It put him into pressure by if he go to college he's probably one of the Socs and left his brother behind to be Greaser. His decision has influenced him to stay with family and be happy. If he make a wrong choice he would forget his brothers and his old Greaser friends. The group of his friends had also influenced him to stay back.

Darry’s second decision is that he made his decision to slap Ponyboy. Not just because Pony boy had been outside the street late at night but Before that Darry had warned him to stay out of trouble with the Socs. His decision to slap Ponyboy is to teach Ponyboy that he still a kid and doesn't know what is feel like to be beat up. Darry slap Ponyboy and it's influence him by teaching Ponyboy what life could be and how it goes.

The result of his decision had made him become a Greaser and care for his brothers. He had put himself, his friend, and his brother to a pressure that have to solve. And it made him a complete person because he cares about others not just himself and it lead to that his decision was right. The things that make him to make that decision is his friend and most important his brothers.

The action that he made was hard for him and it influenced him to make that choice he had gone through. His action is that he shows an expression of his face when in the rumble his old friend comes up and fights him. It shows that he has been a change person and cares for his brother and became Greaser, and that is what he is meant to be. If his action is going to college he probably be one of the Socs and go against his brothers and his friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The character that makes his hardest decision is Darry, his role in the gang is Ponyboy and Soda's brother. As you know he made lots of decisions about himself and his family.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Darry, his influences, and choices, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Darry’s second decision is that he made his decision to slap Ponyboy. Not just because Pony boy had been outside the street late at night but Before that Darry had warned him to stay out of trouble with the Socs. His decision to slap Ponyboy is to teach Ponyboy that he still a kid and doesn't know what is feel like to be beat up. Darry slap Ponyboy and it's influence him by teaching Ponyboy what life could be and how it goes.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The result of his decision had made him become a Greaser and care for his brothers. He had put himself, his friend, and his brother to a pressure that have to solve. And it made him a complete person because he cares about others not just himself and it lead to that his decision was right.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Darry had made a decision that he won't go to college with his sport scholarship because he didn't have money to support. It put him into pressure by if he go to college he's probably one of the Socs and left his brother behind to be Greaser. His decision has influenced him to stay with family and be happy. If he make a wrong choice he would forget his brothers and his old Greaser friends. The group of his friends had also influenced him to stay back.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The result of his decision had made him become a Greaser and care for his brothers. He had put himself, his friend, and his brother to a pressure that have to solve. And it made him a complete person because he cares about others not just himself and it lead to that his decision was right. The things that make him to make that decision is his friend and most important his brothers.”)

The writer expresses ideas in very limited terms and never gives specific information to describe the details of Darry’s situation. (“The character that makes his hardest decision is Darry, his role in the gang is Ponyboy and Soda's brother. As you know he made lots of decisions about himself and his family. And some decision he made himself put him to a peer pressure. He also cares about Ponyboy, he worried about him, teach him the right things and tell him to stay out of trouble.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The character that makes his hardest decision is Darry, his role in the gang is Ponyboy and Soda's brother. As you know he made lots of decisions about himself and his family. And some decision he made himself put him to a peer pressure. He also cares about Ponyboy, he worried about him, teach him the right things and tell him to stay out of trouble. Here's some decision he made: ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Darry’s second decision is that he made his decision to slap Ponyboy. Not just because Pony boy had been outside the street late at night but Before that Darry had warned him to stay out of trouble with the Socs. His decision to slap Ponyboy is to teach Ponyboy that he still a kid and doesn't know what is feel like to be beat up. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is very limited and only serves to briefly summarize and then speculate on how Darry would have been perceived if he had gone to college. It does not really give the readers something to think about as the analysis of this character’s influences draws to a close. (“ The action that he made was hard for him and it influenced him to make that choice he had gone through. His action is that he shows an expression of his face when in the rumble his old friend comes up and fights him. It shows that he has been a change person and cares for his brother and became Greaser, and that is what he is meant to be. If his action is going to college he probably be one of the Socs and go against his brothers and his friends. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer’s voice and style are limited. (“ The result of his decision had made him become a Greaser and care for his brothers. He had put himself, his friend, and his brother to a pressure that have to solve. And it made him a complete person because he cares about others not just himself and it lead to that his decision was right. The things that make him to make that decision is his friend and most important his brothers. ”)

There is repetition of ideas in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ It shows that he has been a change person and cares for his brother and became Greaser, and that is what he is meant to be. If his action is going to college he probably be one of the Socs and go against his brothers and his friends. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the response. The writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Darry had made a decision that he won't go to college with his sport scholarship because he didn't have money to support. It put him into pressure by if he go to college he's probably one of the Socs and left his brother behind to be Greaser. His decision has influenced him to stay with family and be happy. If he make a wrong choice he would forget his brothers and his old Greaser friends. The group of his friends had also influenced him to stay back.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has subject-verb agreement, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, check spelling of chosen words, and ensure correct syntax within the sentences. (“ Darry had made a decision that he won't go to college with his sport scholarship because himself didn't have money to support. It put him into pressure by if he go to college he's probably one of the Socs and left his brother behind to be Greaser. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

What makes a family a family? Is it because of the trust that 1 person has for one another? Or is it because they have a great relationship with in each other, people. Well cause in the book The Outsiders by: S.E Hinton, she writes about a story about war, family, friendship, and trust. Mainly the story is about one person that has most of his adventures but is accompanied by his fellow greaser friends. The main character I'm talking about is, Ponyboy Curtis. He's one of the youngest greasers in the whole grease gang, being 14 years of age.

Most of the things he does are not him doing them but he's doing them because he has pressure that the gang puts within him. They pressure him to carry a switchblade if he were to ever get jumped. They also told him to always be the good kid in school and get the grades. The reason for this is, because his brothers Darry and Sodapop had to drop out of school to get a job after his parents died in a terrible car accident. Most of the time they judge the greasers for being bad delinquent people. Most people think of them for being people that steal and non-respectful people. The name for this is stereotype.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does attempt to state the central/controlling idea of the essay, but in a minimal way. (“The main character I'm talking about is, Ponyboy Curtis. He's one of the youngest greasers in the whole grease gang, being 14 years of age.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas about the role of the character within the gang and the influences that determine his choices in the story. (“They pressure him to carry a switchblade if he were to ever get jumped. They also told him to always be the good kid in school and get the grades.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the character’s role within the gang and the events or people that influence his decisions in the story. (“ Most of the things he does are not him doing them but he's doing them because he has pressure that the gang puts within him. They pressure him to carry a switchblade if he were to ever get jumped. They also told him to always be the good kid in school and get the grades. The reason for this is, because his brothers Darry and Sodapop had to drop out of school to get a job after his parents died in a terrible car accident.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the role and influences of Ponyboy in the gang, but then falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the dynamics of the relationships and their implications on the character highlighted in the essay. (“The reason for this is, because his brothers Darry and Sodapop had to drop out of school to get a job after his parents died in a terrible car accident.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence effectively. (“Most of the time they judge the greasers for being bad delinquent people. Most people think of them for being people that steal and non-respectful people.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Most of the things he does are not him doing them but he's doing them because he has pressure that the gang puts within him. They pressure him to carry a switchblade if he were to ever get jumped. They also told him to always be the good kid in school and get the grades.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates minimal organization in the response. The writer provides a minimal structure with an attempted introduction, but little support is supplied for the body of the response, and a very weak conclusion is evident. Additionally, the writer did not employ effective paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates an attempt at an effective introduction. (“What makes a family a family? Is it because of the trust that 1 person has for one another? Or is it because they have a great relationship with in each other, people. Well cause in the book The Outsiders by: S.E Hinton, she writes about a story about war, family, friendship, and trust. Mainly the story is about one person that has most of his adventures but is accompanied by his fellow greaser friends. The main character I'm talking about is, Ponyboy Curtis.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs that would explore the role Ponyboy plays in the gang or the influences that weigh in on his decision making. Also, transitions were not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Most of the things he does are not him doing them but he's doing them because he has pressure that the gang puts within him. They pressure him to carry a switchblade if he were to ever get jumped. They also told him to always be the good kid in school and get the grades.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Most of the time they judge the greasers for being bad delinquent people. Most people think of them for being people that steal and non-respectful people. The name for this is stereotype. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The sentences are simply structured and word choices are basic in the essay response. (“ The main character I'm talking about is, Ponyboy Curtis. He's one of the youngest greasers in the whole grease gang, being 14 years of age.”)

Exact words are missing and incorrect word selections are employed in some of the sentences in the essay response. (“ Or is it because they have a great relationship with in each other, people. Well cause in the book The Outsiders by: S.E Hinton, she writes about a story about war, family, friendship, and trust.”)

There is repetition. (“ Most of the time they judge the greasers for being bad delinquent people. Most people think of them for being people that steal and non-respectful people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and assure proper spelling of chosen words. (“ Or is it because they have a great relationship with in each other, people. Well cause in the book The Outsiders by: S.E Hinton, she writes about a story about war, family, friendship, and trust. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. I pick hem because thought he was cool. I am going to tell you why I pick hem. I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. I felt bad for hem. I am going to tell you why I feel bad for hem. His dad hits hem and make hem blead. The socs will jump hem. His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is attempting to convey because of the repetitious nature of the response. The essay is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“ The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. I pick hem because thought he was cool. I am going to tell you why I pick hem. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“I felt bad for hem. I am going to tell you why I feel bad for hem. His dad hits hem and make hem blead. The socs will jump hem. His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling uninformed about the influences on the character and the role the character plays within the gang in the story, The Outsiders . (“ I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. I felt bad for hem. ”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to discuss the character of Johnny from The Outsiders , but does not reveal sufficient details about the character to satisfy the requirements of the prompt task. (“ The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. I pick hem because thought he was cool. I am going to tell you why I pick hem. I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the connections between the character chosen and the influences in his life. (“His dad hits hem and make hem blead. The socs will jump hem. His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. I pick hem because thought he was cool. I am going to tell you why I pick hem. I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. I felt bad for hem. I am going to tell you why I feel bad for hem. His dad hits hem and make hem blead. The socs will jump hem. His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate since it does not include a thesis statement that explains what the essay is about, nor does it attempt to grab the readers’ attention in any way. (“ The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ I am going to tell you why I pick hem. I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. I felt bad for hem. I am going to tell you why I feel bad for hem. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is significant repetition in the essay response. (“ I pick hem because thought he was cool. I am going to tell you why I pick hem. I pick hem because I felt bad for hem, he never cried, he is brave to. I felt bad for hem. ”)

The writer uses short, choppy sentences that do not reveal any details that would advance the response in any way. (“ The socs will jump hem. His mom will not do anything win his dad hits hem.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The character I am going to pick from the outsiders is Johnny. I pick hem because thought he was cool. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Interpretation of Maya Angelou’s “from Human Family”

What is the message expressed in the poem "from Human Family" by Maya Angelou? How does the poet feel about diversity? What literary devices are used in the expression of this message?

In a detailed essay, interpret the message that the poet is trying to express in the poem. Include a discussion of specific literary devices used in the poem to express the poem's message.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

People are all living in a big human family on Earth, their homeland. This family, sometimes with peace and harmony, sometimes with conflict and war, is a colorful family. White, yellow, brown, and black are all different colors of costumes people wear. In this world they live, everyone has their own specialty, not even shared by mirror twins. In this world they live, everyone has their own characteristics, not even the same for intimate lovers lying side by side. In this world they live, everyone lives their own life, in their own way of living. The poem “Human Family” by Maya Angelou contains several literary devices such as metaphor, personification, and symbolism to express the writer’s feeling of the differences and similarities of people from all around the world. However, even though there are differences such as features and characteristics between them, people are still in one whole human family because of their enormous similarities, which no one will ever know how strong they are deep inside of everyone’s heart.

In order to express her opinion, the writer first uses metaphor which compares two distinct things directly without using any special word of comparison. In the poem, the speaker says, “I note the obvious differences / in the human family. / Some of us are serious, / some thrive on comedy.” The writer directly compares living lives with thriving on comedy. Every family member lives a different life. Some see and live their life and only life seriously, and some see and live their life as a comedy that they can thrive on. This, however, is not the only one, but one of many differences between each person; a difference between not races or skin colors, but personal characteristics. However, there are still invisible walls, between colors and races.

Other than metaphor, personification is also used in this poem for the readers to deeply understand the poem. Personification gives human or lifelike qualities to non human or inanimate objects. In the poem, the poet declares, “The variety of our skin tones / can confuse, bemuse, delight.” The writer gives the variety of people's skin tones the human quality to confuse, bemuse, and delight. “Brown and pink and beige and purple, / tan and blue and white.” All those colors form a music, with the varying of color. Sooner or later, they will combine and become a whole. So many different notations in the tone are confusing and bemusing people as they are all the same. Those colors are so different but also so well integrating with each other and form a colorful painting of the harmony - a harmony formed by all the colors with no exception. Even though what first enters people’s eyes is always the outside, but what’s really important are the characteristics and what’s inside of one’s heart.

Lastly, the poet also uses symbolism in this poem to share her ideas with the readers. Symbolism uses a symbol, which in literature, are objects that stands for something beyond the meaning in themselves. The speaker mentions, “I've sailed upon the seven seas / and stopped in every land, / I've seen the wonders of the world, / not yet one common man.” The seven seas refers to the Adriatic Sea, the Aegean Sea, the Arabian Sea, the Black Sea, the Caspian Sea, the Indian Ocean, the Irish Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, the North Sea, the Persian Gulf, and the Red Sea . However, other than its own meaning, it also symbolizes the Earth, the whole world. The poet declares that she has “sailed upon the seven seas”, but she is actually telling that she has traveled throughout the world and seen the wonders of it, but there is not yet one common man. Everyone is unique. Around and around, along the journey, people’s features change, cultures change, and skin colors also change. Even though parts of them shared similarities, they are distinct. On the other hand, even though they shared differences, they are more alike, than they are unlike.

In conclusion, even though people have differences between them, always remember, they are more alike, than they are unlike. Even though the colors and ways which God painted them are different, they are all members of the enormous human family. The reason is family; the reason is that one common name - human, that gathers all of them together. “Brown and pink and beige and purple, / tan and blue and white.” All those colors form a tone, with a variation of colors. Sooner or later, they will combine and become a whole. Even though each notation is distinct from one another, they form a music, a music of harmony, harmony of the world. From Asia to Europe to Africa to America , colored white and yellow and brown and black. People are all singing together, singing the song of equivalence, not for their differences, but for their similarities. North and South America press the keys on the piano of peace; Asia holds the violin of liberty, while Africa moves the bow of equality; Europe then stands on the stage of Earth and sings the song of freedom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed throughout this essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the poem and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques, such as metaphor, symbolism, and personification. The writer focuses on the central idea that although people all over the world are different, they are still alike because they are all part of the same human family.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection, as seen in the introduction of the essay. (“The poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou contains several literary devices such as metaphor, personification, and symbolism to express the writer's feeling of the differences and similarities of people from all around the world. However, even though there are differences such as features and characteristics between them, people are still in one whole human family because of their enormous similarities, which no one will ever know how strong they are deep inside of everyone’s heart.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ Lastly, the poet also uses symbolism in this poem to share her ideas with the readers. Symbolism uses a symbol, which in literature, are objects that stands for something beyond the meaning in themselves. The speaker mentions, ‘I’ve sailed upon the seven seas / and stopped in every land, / I’ve seen the wonders of the world, / not yet one common man.’ The seven seas refers to the Adriatic Sea, the Aegean Sea, the Arabian Sea, the Black Sea, the Caspian Sea, the Indian Ocean, the Irish Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, the North Sea, the Persian Gulf, and the Red Sea . However, other than its own meaning, it also symbolizes the Earth, the whole world. The poet declares that she has ‘sailed upon the seven seas’, but she is actually telling that she has traveled throughout the world and seen the wonders of it, but there is not yet one common man. Everyone is unique. Around and around, along the journey, people’s features change, cultures change, and skin colors also change. Even though parts of them shared similarities, they are distinct. On the other hand, even though they shared differences, they are more alike, than they are unlike.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the central idea and includes details about the specific types of literary devices used in the poem to help emphasize the poem’s theme. (“ Other than metaphor, personification is also used in this poem for the readers to deeply understand the poem. Personification gives human or lifelike qualities to non human or inanimate objects. In the poem, the poet declares, ‘The variety of our skin tones / can confuse, bemuse, delight.’ The writer gives the variety of people’s skin tones the human quality to confuse, bemuse, and delight. ‘Brown and pink and beige and purple, / tan and blue and white.’ All those colors form a music, with the varying of color. Sooner or later, they will combine and become a whole.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen throughout this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem.

The essay very effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). The writer discusses the poet’s use of symbolism in the poem. (“Lastly, the poet also uses symbolism in this poem to share her ideas with the readers. Symbolism uses a symbol, which in literature, are objects that stands for something beyond the meaning in themselves. The speaker mentions, ‘I’ve sailed upon the seven seas / and stopped in every land, / I’ve seen the wonders of the world, / not yet one common man.’ The seven seas refers to the Adriatic Sea, the Aegean Sea, the Arabian Sea, the Black Sea, the Caspian Sea, the Indian Ocean, the Irish Sea, the Mediterranean Sea, the North Sea, the Persian Gulf, and the Red Sea . However, other than its own meaning, it also symbolizes the Earth, the whole world. The poet declares that she has ‘sailed upon the seven seas’, but she is actually telling that she has traveled throughout the world and seen the wonders of it, but there is not yet one common man. Everyone is unique. Around and around, along the journey, people’s features change, cultures change, and skin colors also change. Even though parts of them shared similarities, they are distinct. On the other hand, even though they shared differences, they are more alike, than they are unlike.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the poem. (“In order to express her opinion, the writer first uses metaphor which compares two distinct things directly without using any special word of comparison. In the poem, the speaker says, ‘I note the obvious differences / in the human family. / Some of us are serious, / some thrive on comedy.’ The writer directly compares living lives with thriving on comedy. Every family member lives a different life. Some see and live their life and only life seriously, and some see and live their life as a comedy that they can thrive on. This, however, is not the only one, but one of many differences between each person; a difference between not races or skin colors, but personal characteristics. However, there are still invisible walls, between colors and races.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Other than metaphor, personification is also used in this poem for the readers to deeply understand the poem. Personification gives human or lifelike qualities to non human or inanimate objects. In the poem, the poet declares, ‘The variety of our skin tones / can confuse, bemuse, delight.’ The writer gives the variety of people’s skin tones the human quality to confuse, bemuse, and delight. ‘Brown and pink and beige and purple, / tan and blue and white.’ All those colors form a music, with the varying of color. Sooner or later, they will combine and become a whole. So many different notations in the tone are confusing and bemusing people as they are all the same. Those colors are so different but also so well integrating with each other and form a colorful painting of the harmony - a harmony formed by all the colors with no exception. Even though what first enters people’s eyes is always the outside, but what’s really important are the characteristics and what’s inside of one’s heart.”)

Organization

This essay exhibits very effective organization. The writing demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective use of transitional devices is also seen throughout.

The essay very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ People are all living in a big human family on Earth, their homeland. This family, sometimes with peace and harmony, sometimes with conflict and war, is a colorful family. White, yellow, brown, and black are all different colors of costumes people wear. In this world they live, everyone has their own specialty, not even shared by mirror twins. In this world they live, everyone has their own characteristics, not even the same for intimate lovers lying side by side. In this world they live, everyone lives their own life, in their own way of living. The poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou contains several literary devices such as metaphor, personification, and symbolism to express the writer’s feeling of the differences and similarities of people from all around the world. However, even though there are differences such as features and characteristics between them, people are still in one whole human family because of their enormous similarities, which no one will ever know how strong they are deep inside of everyone’s heart.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ However, there are still invisible walls, between colors and races. …Other than metaphor, personification is also used in this poem for the readers to deeply understand the poem.”)

The conclusion very effectively leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In conclusion, even though people have differences between them, always remember, they are more alike, than they are unlike. Even though the colors and ways which God painted them are different, they are all members of the enormous human family. The reason is family; the reason is that one common name - human, that gathers all of them together. ‘Brown and pink and beige and purple, / tan and blue and white.’ All those colors form a tone, with a variation of colors. Sooner or later, they will combine and become a whole. Even though each notation is distinct from one another, they form a music, a music of harmony, harmony of the world. From Asia to Europe to Africa to America , colored white and yellow and brown and black. People are all singing together, singing the song of equivalence, not for their differences, but for their similarities. North and South America press the keys on the piano of peace; Asia holds the violin of liberty, while Africa moves the bow of equality; Europe then stands on the stage of Earth and sings the song of freedom.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are demonstrated throughout this essay. The essay displays precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ In order to express her opinion, the writer first uses metaphor which compares two distinct things directly without using any special word of comparison. In the poem, the speaker says, ‘I note the obvious differences / in the human family. / Some of us are serious, / some thrive on comedy.’ The writer directly compares living lives with thriving on comedy. Every family member lives a different life. Some see and live their life and only life seriously, and some see and live their life as a comedy that they can thrive on. This, however, is not the only one, but one of many differences between each person; a difference between not races or skin colors, but personal characteristics. However, there are still invisible walls, between colors and races.”)

Coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ In order to express her opinion, the writer first uses metaphor which compares two distinct things directly without using any special word of comparison. In the poem, the speaker says, ‘I note the obvious differences / in the human family. / Some of us are serious, / some thrive on comedy.’ The writer directly compares living lives with thriving on comedy. Every family member lives a different life. Some see and live their life and only life seriously, and some see and live their life as a comedy that they can thrive on.”)

The complex sentence, “ In order to express her opinion, the writer first uses metaphor which compares two distinct things directly without using any special word of comparison,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Personification gives human or lifelike qualities to non human or inanimate objects.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ White, yellow, brown, and black are all different colors of costumes people wear.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Even though parts of them shared similarities, they are distinct.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“From Human Family” is an inspiring poem written by Dr. Maya Angelou. I think that she does a great job of conveying the message that everyone is alike in general terms though they might look completely different on the outside. Of course we all belong to different races, have different cultures and a variety of religions, but that doesn’t take away the fact that we are all human and all alike. As Angelou says, “In minor ways we differ, in major ways we’re the same.” I totally agree with this quote and think that it is completely true. For example, the minor things are referring to looks and such whereas the major things are probably people’s outlook on life. Overall that is usually the same. Basically, people do have different interests and goals, and looks, and etc., but as humans, we all can come together in ways words cannot describe, we all are more alike than meets the naked eye.

In the poem, Maya’s vivid language helps a lot when describing the differences that everyone shares. We are all unique in our own ways and there is not doubt about that, but we, like I have said before, are very alike as well. “I’ve sailed upon seven seas and stopped in every land. I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet one comon man.” This quote shows that everyone IS different in some ways looking towards looks. But in general terms we can be very alike. “I note the obvious differences in the human family. Some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy,” this is another quote that succeeds in showing how different our thoughts and ideas and ways of life can be. Though it is somewhat contradicting to my idea how people are alike, it is a minor, little point that doesn't show how everyone IS alike.

“We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same. That is the main idea of the poem and I know that because of the repetition used to emphasize it. I think that this poem does a good job of summarizing that when it comes to who you actually are, looks do not techniqually matter. Being unique and different is part of who you are and that’s how it goes for everyone. The main fact is, everyone is human and no one can change that.

Also in the poem you can recognize that we all come from different peoples and places. But we also live and love, and laugh, and even get angry or sad. To me, this is what makes us human. Without we would just be emotionless mammals and not at all unique. It may sound confusing but this is how we are all the same. We’re unique and human and a variety of emotions which makes us totally and completely alike in ways. I think that life is beautiful because of this and it makes me happy to know that I am who I am and there is not ONE person EXACTLY alike me. Yet it’s also great knowing that everyone including myself an come together to make a world full of people who can relate to each other and have some amazing similarities. Life is a wonderful place and as said before “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.”

In conclusion, Maya Angelou did a fabulous job of interpreting a message of great insite and passion for life. Her inspiring ideas of how we all have different looks and goals but are extremely alike show that just because of the way look or the religion you practice you cannot be the same as someone who looks the exact opposite from you. Everyone is similar to each other by the way they have feelings, passion, love and are basically human. That is what matters the most. It’s what counts and is what is being portrayed in the poem “From Human Family.”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good use of focus and meaning is maintained throughout this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the poem “from Human Family” and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques, such as vivid language and repetition. The writer clearly portrays the central idea that although people everywhere are different, they are more alike than one would think because everyone is human.

The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ In the poem, Maya’s vivid language helps a lot when describing the differences that everyone shares. We are all unique in our own ways and there is not doubt about that, but we, like I have said before, are very alike as well. … ‘We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.’ Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same. That is the main idea of the poem and I know that because of the repetition used to emphasize it.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea. (“ ‘We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.’ Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same. That is the main idea of the poem and I know that because of the repetition used to emphasize it. I think that this poem does a good job of summarizing that when it comes to who you actually are, looks do not techniqually matter. Being unique and different is part of who you are and that’s how it goes for everyone. The main fact is, everyone is human and no one can change that.”)

The essay is focused on the central idea and uses details about how humans are all “more alike than unalike.” (“ In the poem, Maya’s vivid language helps a lot when describing the differences that everyone shares. We are all unique in our own ways and there is not doubt about that, but we, like I have said before, are very alike as well. ‘I’ve sailed upon seven seas and stopped in every land. I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet one comon man.’ This quote shows that everyone IS different in some ways looking towards looks. But in general terms we can be very alike. ‘I note the obvious differences in the human family. Some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy,’ this is another quote that succeeds in showing how different our thoughts and ideas and ways of life can be. Though it is somewhat contradicting to my idea how people are alike, it is a minor, little point that doesn't show how everyone IS alike.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques, such as vivid language and repetition from the poem.

The essay includes quotations from the text of the poem. (“ ‘We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.’ Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“ In the poem, Maya's vivid language helps a lot when describing the differences that everyone shares. We are all unique in our own ways and there is not doubt about that, but we, like I have said before, are very alike as well. ‘I’ve sailed upon seven seas and stopped in every land. I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet one comon man.’ This quote shows that everyone IS different in some ways looking towards looks. But in general terms we can be very alike. ‘I note the obvious differences in the human family. Some of us are serious, some thrive on comedy,’ this is another quote that succeeds in showing how different our thoughts and ideas and ways of life can be.”)

Specific information about the poet’s use of vivid language is developed clearly. (“ In the poem, Maya’s vivid language helps a lot when describing the differences that everyone shares. We are all unique in our own ways and there is not doubt about that, but we, like I have said before, are very alike as well. ‘I've sailed upon seven seas and stopped in every land. I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet one comon man.’ This quote shows that everyone IS different in some ways looking towards looks. But in general terms we can be very alike.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident within this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a profound quotation. (“ ‘From Human Family’ is an inspiring poem written by Dr. Maya Angelou. I think that she does a great job of conveying the message that everyone is alike in general terms though they might look completely different on the outside. Of course we all belong to different races, have different cultures and a variety of religions, but that doesn’t take away the fact that we are all human and all alike. As Angelou says, ‘In minor ways we differ, in major ways we’re the same.’ I totally agree with this quote and think that it is completely true. For example, the minor things are referring to looks and such whereas the major things are probably people’s outlook on life. Overall that is usually the same. Basically, people do have different interests and goals, and looks, and etc., but as humans, we all can come together in ways words cannot describe, we all are more alike than meets the naked eye.”)

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ Basically, people do have different interests and goals, and looks, and etc., but as humans, we all can come together in ways words cannot describe, we all are more alike than meets the naked eye.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“ In conclusion, Maya Angelou did a fabulous job of interpreting a message of great insite and passion for life. Her inspiring ideas of how we all have different looks and goals but are extremely alike show that just because of the way look or the religion you practice you cannot be the same as someone who looks the exact opposite from you. Everyone is similar to each other by the way they have feelings, passion, love and are basically human. That is what matters the most. It’s what counts and is what is being portrayed in the poem ‘From Human Family.’”)

The conclusion also effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ In conclusion, Maya Angelou did a fabulous job of interpreting a message of great insite and passion for life. Her inspiring ideas of how we all have different looks and goals but are extremely alike show that just because of the way look or the religion you practice you cannot be the same as someone who looks the exact opposite from you. Everyone is similar to each other by the way they have feelings, passion, love and are basically human. That is what matters the most. It’s what counts and is what is being portrayed in the poem ‘From Human Family.’”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is demonstrated in this essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, sentences are well structured with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Also in the poem you can recognize that we all come from different peoples and places. But we also live and love, and laugh, and even get angry or sad. To me, this is what makes us human. Without we would just be emotionless mammals and not at all unique.”)

Coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ We’re unique and human and a variety of emotions which makes us totally and completely alike in ways. I think that life is beautiful because of this and it makes me happy to know that I am who I am and there is not ONE person EXACTLY alike me. Yet it’s also great knowing that everyone including myself an come together to make a world full of people who can relate to each other and have some amazing similarities. Life is a wonderful place and as said before ‘We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.’”)

The complex sentence, “ Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example:

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I think that she does a great job of conveying the message that everyone is alike in general terms though they might look completely different on the outside.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Also in the poem you can recognize that we all come from different peoples and places.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Agreeing with Angelou, I think and have already noted that we as humans are generally the same.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem by Maya Angelou is mainly about all the people around you and life. It talks about all the different people there is and our deifferences. She states how shes been all around the world and has met thousands of people with the same name yet none of them were the same. In “Human Family”, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.

In the beginning of the poem the writer explains how people are different based on what they believe. “Some of us are serious/ some thrive on comedy.” Here she uses an allusion when she refers to people always having fun and being happy. This shows a big difference in how people live their life, some people take everything seriously and don't joke around about life but others just enjoy every single minute of their lives and don’t let anything bring them down. Also she says, “ Some declare their lives are lived as true profundity/ and others claim they really live the real reality.” Here she explains how differently people declared themsleves to be living either by living a good and pure life or a true and actually real life.

Towards the middle of the poem Maya Angelou begins to change from life differences to a difference in physical appearances between people. “The variety of our skin tones/ can confuse, bemuse, delight/ brown and pink and beige and purple/ tan and blue and white.” Here she uses personification to show the differences in the skin tones of the billions of people around the world and the reactions of the people towards it. She also states that she has sailed around the entire world, to every country and yet she has not met anyone that’s the same. Even though there’s twins that look the same they are not the same inside but completely different.

In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world. For instance, “We love and lose in China / We weep on Englands moors.../ And thrive on Spanish shores.” Here she uses allusion by stating different places around the world to show how people are in these certain places. She continues throughout the poem and in the end she sates that “ In minor ways we differ and in major ways we’re the same.” Here she wants the readers to know that in the end everyone and everything is different but we are more alkie then we are different.

In conclusion, the main point of the entire poem is to show that even though we are all different we still have much on common. Also that we are all family and are all human beings yet we still are bemuse each other by our differences. In “Human Family” by Maya Angelou wants the readers to know how “we are more alike then we are unalike.”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate use of focus and meaning is maintained throughout this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques, such as allusion and personification. The writer makes these connections through the central idea that “all people are truly different but still have much in common.”

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The poem by Maya Angelou is mainly about all the people around you and life. It talks about all the different people there is and our deifferences. She states how shes been all around the world and has met thousands of people with the same name yet none of them were the same. In ‘Human Family’, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.”)

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“In ‘Human Family’, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world. For instance, ‘We love and lose in China / We weep on Englands moors.../ And thrive on Spanish shores.’ Here she uses allusion by stating different places around the world to show how people are in these certain places. She continues throughout the poem and in the end she sates that ‘ In minor ways we differ and in major ways we’re the same.’ Here she wants the readers to know that in the end everyone and everything is different but we are more alkie then we are different.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem, such as allusion and personification.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the poem. (“In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world. For instance, ‘We love and lose in China / We weep on Englands moors.../ And thrive on Spanish shores.’ Here she uses allusion by stating different places around the world to show how people are in these certain places. She continues throughout the poem and in the end she sates that ‘ In minor ways we differ and in major ways we're the same.’ Here she wants the readers to know that in the end everyone and everything is different but we are more alkie then we are different.”)

The essay includes quotations from the text. (“In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world. For instance, ‘We love and lose in China / We weep on Englands moors.../ And thrive on Spanish shores.’”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Towards the middle of the poem Maya Angelou begins to change from life differences to a difference in physical appearances between people. ‘The variety of our skin tones/ can confuse, bemuse, delight/ brown and pink and beige and purple/ tan and blue and white.’ Here she uses personification to show the differences in the skin tones of the billions of people around the world and the reactions of the people towards it. She also states that she has sailed around the entire world, to every country and yet she has not met anyone that’s the same. Even though there’s twins that look the same they are not the same inside but completely different.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is exhibited in this essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and some use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ In ‘Human Family’, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Towards the middle of the poem Maya Angelou begins to change from life differences to a difference in physical appearances between people. … In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. (“ In conclusion, the main point of the entire poem is to show that even though we are all different we still have much on common. Also that we are all family and are all human beings yet we still are bemuse each other by our differences. In ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou wants the readers to know how ‘we are more alike then we are unalike.’”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is adequate. Appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated, along with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The poem by Maya Angelou is mainly about all the people around you and life. It talks about all the different people there is and our deifferences. She states how shes been all around the world and has met thousands of people with the same name yet none of them were the same. In ‘Human Family’, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “here” is consistently repeated in the essay. (“ In the end of the poem the writer begins to change the differences between people again and shows differences in the way people react in the many different places around the world. For instance, ‘We love and lose in China / We weep on Englands moors.../ And thrive on Spanish shores.’ Here she uses allusion by stating different places around the world to show how people are in these certain places. She continues throughout the poem and in the end she sates that ‘ In minor ways we differ and in major ways we’re the same.’ Here she wants the readers to know that in the end everyone and everything is different but we are more alkie then we are different.”)

There are few exact/specific words related to the research. (“ The poem by Maya Angelou is mainly about all the people around you and life. It talks about all the different people there is and our deifferences. She states how shes been all around the world and has met thousands of people with the same name yet none of them were the same. In ‘Human Family’, by Maya Angelou she wants the readers to know how all people are truly different but still have much in common.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is evident in this essay. There are, however, some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ In the beginning of the poem the writer explains how people are different based on what they believe.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ In conclusion, the main point of the entire poem is to show that even though we are all different we still have much on common.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Here she explains how differently people declared themsleves to be living either by living a good and pure life or a true and actually real life.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poem “from Human Family” by Maya Angelou, the poet talks about how every human being is similar in major way, but a little different in minor ways. I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act. That way everyone treats each other how they want to be treated.

The poet uses many poetic devices to express the main message of this poem. One poetic device she use is rhyming. She uses end rhymes in the second and fourth line in every stanza, except for the two last stanza, in which she uses repitition. Some rhyming words she used are, “profundity/ reality”, “delight/ white”, “ Maine / same”and so on. She repeats the stanza, “We are more alike, my friends/ than we are unalike.” To tell her readers over and over that, everybody in the world are alike in many ways and should be treated the same too. She also used figurative language when she say the different colors of our skin, “brown and pink and beige and purple,/ tan and blue and white.” Nobody in the world skin color is purple or blue, unless they painted it, but it is impossible to be born with these colors. Even though there is no blue or purple skin color she is describing that in this world everybody skin color is varies greatly.

The theme of this poem is that everybody is similar in many ways and only a little different in other ways. These are most of the literary devices she used, end rhymes, repitition, and figurative language. I think Maya feels that diversity is unfair and instead everybody should be treated the same throught out the entire globe. If I give an advice to anybody in the world, relating to this poem, I would say, “Treat others the way you want to be treated and they’ll treat you back the same way.” And hopefully they will do just that.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning throughout this essay are limited. The essay establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques, such as rhyme and figurative language, through the central idea that “everybody is similar in many ways and only a little different in other ways.”

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In the poem ‘from Human Family’ by Maya Angelou, the poet talks about how every human being is similar in major way, but a little different in minor ways. I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act. That way everyone treats each other how they want to be treated.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“ I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view of the essay is stated. (“In the poem ‘from Human Family’ by Maya Angelou, the poet talks about how every human being is similar in major way, but a little different in minor ways. I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act. That way everyone treats each other how they want to be treated.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are established in this essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem.

There is limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas in the essay. (“The poet uses many poetic devices to express the main message of this poem. One poetic device she use is rhyming. She uses end rhymes in the second and fourth line in every stanza, except for the two last stanza, in which she uses repitition. Some rhyming words she used are, ‘profundity/ reality’, ‘delight/ white’, ‘ Maine / same’and so on. She repeats the stanza, ‘We are more alike, my friends/ than we are unalike.’ To tell her readers over and over that, everybody in the world are alike in many ways and should be treated the same too. She also used figurative language when she say the different colors of our skin, ‘brown and pink and beige and purple,/ tan and blue and white.’ Nobody in the world skin color is purple or blue, unless they painted it, but it is impossible to be born with these colors. Even though there is no blue or purple skin color she is describing that in this world everybody skin color is varies greatly.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The poet uses many poetic devices to express the main message of this poem. One poetic device she use is rhyming. She uses end rhymes in the second and fourth line in every stanza, except for the two last stanza, in which she uses repitition. Some rhyming words she used are, ‘profundity/ reality’, ‘delight/ white’, ‘ Maine / same’and so on. She repeats the stanza, ‘We are more alike, my friends/ than we are unalike.’ To tell her readers over and over that, everybody in the world are alike in many ways and should be treated the same too. She also used figurative language when she say the different colors of our skin, ‘brown and pink and beige and purple,/ tan and blue and white.’ Nobody in the world skin color is purple or blue, unless they painted it, but it is impossible to be born with these colors. Even though there is no blue or purple skin color she is describing that in this world everybody skin color is varies greatly.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The poet uses many poetic devices to express the main message of this poem. One poetic device she use is rhyming. She uses end rhymes in the second and fourth line in every stanza, except for the two last stanza, in which she uses repitition. Some rhyming words she used are, ‘profundity/ reality’, ‘delight/ white’, ‘ Maine / same’and so on. She repeats the stanza, ‘We are more alike, my friends/ than we are unalike.’ To tell her readers over and over that, everybody in the world are alike in many ways and should be treated the same too. She also used figurative language when she say the different colors of our skin, ‘brown and pink and beige and purple,/ tan and blue and white.’ Nobody in the world skin color is purple or blue, unless they painted it, but it is impossible to be born with these colors. Even though there is no blue or purple skin color she is describing that in this world everybody skin color is varies greatly.”)

Organization

Limited organization is displayed throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, inconsistent paragraphing, and a lack of transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act.”)

Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ The poet uses many poetic devices to express the main message of this poem.”)

The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ The theme of this poem is that everybody is similar in many ways and only a little different in other ways. These are most of the literary devices she used, end rhymes, repitition, and figurative language. I think Maya feels that diversity is unfair and instead everybody should be treated the same throught out the entire globe. If I give an advice to anybody in the world, relating to this poem, I would say, ‘Treat others the way you want to be treated and they’ll treat you back the same way.’ And hopefully they will do just that.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited language use and style are demonstrated in this essay. Language use is simple, there is some awareness of audience and control of voice, and there are simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay; in this case, a colon is needed. (“ These are most of the literary devices she used, end rhymes, repitition, and figurative language.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ In the poem ‘from Human Family’ by Maya Angelou, the poet talks about how every human being is similar in major way, but a little different in minor ways.”)

The style of certain sentences is not formal, as the writer uses the poet’s first name rather than her last name. (“ I think Maya feels that diversity is unfair and instead everybody should be treated the same throught out the entire globe.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of conventions and mechanics is illustrated in this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should make sure:

Each sentence contains words without missing letters. (“ I think the poet main message is that everyone should be treated the same, although they differ in skin color and the way they act.”)

Each sentence contains correct pronoun-antecedent agreement. (“That way everyone treats each other how they want to be treated.”)

Each sentence contains words that are spelled correctly. (“ The theme of this poem is that everybody is similar in many ways and only a little different in other ways. These are most of the literary devices she used, end rhymes, repitition , and figurative language. I think Maya feels that diversity is unfair and instead everybody should be treated the same throught out the entire globe.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The main message in the “from Human Family” is that everyone is different no matter what happens. The poet feels that diversity is common within humans but we are all similar in a way.The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity. In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says “The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.”to get the point across that people may look different but act the same.

In paragraph four, when the poet says “I've seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.” the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says “I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.” the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the poem and makes few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The main message in the ‘from Human Family’ is that everyone is different no matter what happens. The poet feels that diversity is common within humans but we are all similar in a way.The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity. In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says ‘The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.’to get the point across that people may look different but act the same.”)

The writer uses minimal detail that relates to the theme of the story, including specific information about the setting of the poem and literary devices used. (“In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I've seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen within this essay. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the poem.

The essay may not include literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). The essay demonstrates some understanding of these concepts, but the actual terms are never expressed. (“In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says ‘The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.’to get the point across that people may look different but act the same. …In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say i've never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Minimal evidence is used to explain or support the thesis statement. (“The main message in the ‘from Human Family’ is that everyone is different no matter what happens.”) (“The poet feels that diversity is common within humans but we are all similar in a way.The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity. In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says ‘The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.’to get the point across that people may look different but act the same. …In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The main message in the ‘from Human Family’ is that everyone is different no matter what happens. The poet feels that diversity is common within humans but we are all similar in a way.The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity. In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says ‘The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.’to get the point across that people may look different but act the same.”)

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The main message in the ‘from Human Family’ is that everyone is different no matter what happens. The poet feels that diversity is common within humans but we are all similar in a way.The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity. In the third paragraph the poet uses a little exageration when the poet says ‘The variety of our skin tones can confuse, bemuse**, delight, brown and pink and beige and purple, tan and blue and white.’to get the point across that people may look different but act the same.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. In fact, there really is no clear concluding paragraph in this essay. (“ In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are demonstrated within this essay. The writing displays poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin the two sentences in the following paragraph: (“ In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I've seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’”).

There is repetition, as the phrase “the poet” is consistently repeated throughout the essay. (“ In paragraph four, when the poet says ‘I’ve seen the wonders of the world, not yet seen one common man.’ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled. When the poet says ‘I note the obivious differences between each sort and type, but we are more alike, my friendsd than we are unalike.’ the poet is saying we are all alike and repeats the last part for emphis.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ to get the point across that people may look different but act the same.”)

Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark, and some continue on into the next sentence. (“The poet says she knws tens and thousands of Janes and Mary Janes but none are the same this is an example of the poets point of diversity.”)

Each sentence does not always begin with a capital letter. (“ the poet is trying to say I’ve never seen a common looking man as i have traveled.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem “Human Family” by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains an inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the poem and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

The writer does not state the central idea of the essay. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate in this essay. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the poem.

The essay does not include literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

Organization

There is no clear sense of organization in this essay largely due to the lack of content. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite? Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways. she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing. (“ She talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem. Maya Angelou”)

The style is not formal. (“ Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite?”)

Changing from second person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ Have you ever been compared to someone else, but you feel like you guys are the complete opposite?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), as demonstrated by the following fragment consisting of only a subject. (“ Maya Angelou ”)

Each sentence does not consist of words that are spelled correctly. (“Well in the poem ‘Human Family’ by Maya Angelou she expressess her thoughts on how poeple are alike and different in many ways.”)

Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“ she talks about the diversity between everyone and everything, but she says it in a poem.”)

Interpretation of “Old Snake” by Pat Mora

After reading the poem “Old Snake” by Pat Mora, write a well-developed essay in which you present and explain your interpretation of the overall meaning of the poem. Support your ideas with examples and/or evidence from the poem.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Confidence is Key

Bold. Fearless. Fierce. All of these words have one thing in common: they describe brave character. Bravery is a common characteristic that is the dream of almost every individual in the world, for it allows you to accomplish what most are too timid to do. In the short poem, “Old Snake”, the author, Pat Mora, metaphorically compares stepping out of your comfort zone to a snake shedding its old, frail skin. The overall meaning of the poem encourages the reader to dare to show your own true, bright colors and to be yourself, for it will allow you to surpass all of the obstacles that are holding you back. By using a plethora of metaphors, having a very upbeat and encouraging tone, and using motivational phrases, Pat Mora uses her writing to encourage the next generation to be brave and show the world who you really are.

Poetry consists of many metaphors that are used by an author to compare two topics; the reader can understand the author’s intention of the true meaning with ease and clarity. In her poem, “Old Snake”, Pat Mora uses many metaphors to convey her message to the reader. As the reader, I believe that her use of metaphors did not only help me understand the message and the meaning of the poem, but it also helped me understand her tone of writing. It can be argued that the entire poem is one large metaphor, comparing a snake shedding out of its old skin to a person stepping out of his comfort zone to achieve the extraordinary. Such a metaphor can be seen in the third line of her poem. "You just can't breathe in your own tight skin" (line 3). It can easily be inferred that Mora is discussing the old, worn out layer of skin that is limiting the snake’s ability. However, she uses this line to convey the message of her poem. Figuratively, she is saying it is hard to be free when you are constraining yourself by not being courageous enough to display your real personality. "When you feel your frowns, like me, wriggle free" (lines 7-8). In this metaphor, the author is comparing a snake wriggling out of its old skin to be free to a person overcoming his fears and obstacles. As you can see, by using metaphors to help the reader understand the meaning of the poem, Pat Mora constantly conveys the message that you should be confident and show the world your real personality.

To convince someone, you must be very enthusiastic and show much interest in the topic you are speaking about. Pat Mora supports the meaning of her poem by using a very strong and upbeat tone to help convey the message to her reader. By showing great enthusiasm, Mora makes her reader believe that what she is saying is the absolute truth. She is telling the reader, even though there are many difficulties and disappointments in life, the best thing you can do is push them behind you and struggle to be the best you can be. By using her enthusiastic and confident tone, she makes the reader believe that what she is saying is the truth, and it will help one to become a better individual. Old Vibora says, “Leave those doubts and hurts…” (lines 4-5). In this quote from the poem, Pat Mora convinces her readers that if there are any uncertainties or negative influences and incidents that are affecting your overall performance, you should abandon what hurts you, so you are not constrained by your own flaws. Her very positive, optimistic tone helps assure the reader that everything will be just fine.

Lastly, Pat Mora uses motivation as the foundation for her deep, meaningful poem. The purpose of her poem is to inspire her readers to be the best that they can possibly be. To enforce the principles she conveys to the reader, she uses very strong, motivational phrases in the lines of her poem. These phrases help the reader understand the meaning of the poem and can allow for easily relating to the words of the poem. "Leave those gray words to dry in the sand and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors" (lines 10-14). These words of encouragement from the author help the reader understand the true meaning of the poem. She uses short, concise lines in the poem to be very direct and straight to the point. The author made this choice to exhibit the meaning of her poem very obviously so that the readers can get the most out of it. However, there are some lines in the body of the poem where the reader has to read "in between the lines" and make inferences to understand what the author is trying to say. The author's style is very analogous to that of a motivational speaker. Like a motivational speaker, the author incorporates a very optimistic tone to make her motivational words come to life.

As you can see, Pat Mora is a very introspective poet who incorporated many key devices to strengthen her writing, both in a literal and figurative way. Her use of imagery allows her readers to feel like they exist inside the author's head because she describes her thoughts with the utmost precision. Convincingly, the figurative language, tone, and style help convey the hidden meaning of the poem easily. Do not hide behind an invisible cloak of fear and insecurity; instead, have confidence and power, and show the world who you really are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. An in-depth analysis of the text is established, and the writer makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer interprets some of the more valuable lessons in the poem with clear and very descriptive details. (“ As the reader, I believe that her use of metaphors did not only help me understand the message and the meaning of the poem, but it also helped me understand her tone of writing. It can be argued that the entire poem is one large metaphor, comparing a snake shedding out of its old skin to a person stepping out of his comfort zone to achieve the extraordinary. Such a metaphor can be seen in the third line of her poem. ‘You just can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (line 3). It can easily be inferred that Mora is discussing the old, worn out layer of skin that is limiting the snake’s ability. However, she uses this line to convey the message of her poem. Figuratively, she is saying it is hard to be free when you are constraining yourself by not being courageous enough to display your real personality. ”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“As you can see, Pat Mora is a very introspective poet who incorporated many key devices to strengthen her writing, both in a literal and figurative way. Her use of imagery allows her readers to feel like they exist inside the author's head because she describes her thoughts with the utmost precision. Convincingly, the figurative language, tone, and style help convey the hidden meaning of the poem easily. Do not hide behind an invisible cloak of fear and insecurity; instead, have confidence and power, and show the world who you really are.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ To convince someone, you must be very enthusiastic and show much interest in the topic you are speaking about. Pat Mora supports the meaning of her poem by using a very strong and upbeat tone to help convey the message to her reader. By showing great enthusiasm, Mora makes her reader believe that what she is saying is the absolute truth. She is telling the reader, even though there are many difficulties and disappointments in life, the best thing you can do is push them behind you and struggle to be the best you can be. By using her enthusiastic and confident tone, she makes the reader believe that what she is saying is the truth, and it will help one to become a better individual. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas completely and thoughtfully, using a wide variety of specific and appropriate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of precise details that relate to the theme of the poem, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ She is telling the reader, even though there are many difficulties and disappointments in life, the best thing you can do is push them behind you and struggle to be the best you can be. By using her enthusiastic and confident tone, she makes the reader believe that what she is saying is the truth, and it will help one to become a better individual. ”)

The writer includes important details that connect the essay question to the text. (“Figuratively, she is saying it is hard to be free when you are constraining yourself by not being courageous enough to display your real personality. ‘When you feel your frowns, like me, wriggle free’ (lines 7-8). In this metaphor, the author is comparing a snake wriggling out of its old skin to be free to a person overcoming his fears and obstacles. As you can see, by using metaphors to help the reader understand the meaning of the poem, Pat Mora constantly conveys the message that you should be confident and show the world your real personality.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the poem. (“It can be argued that the entire poem is one large metaphor, comparing a snake shedding out of its old skin to a person stepping out of his comfort zone to achieve the extraordinary. Such a metaphor can be seen in the third line of her poem. ‘You just can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (line 3). It can easily be inferred that Mora is discussing the old, worn out layer of skin that is limiting the snake’s ability. However, she uses this line to convey the message of her poem.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure, with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, is demonstrated. There is effective use of transitional devices throughout the response.

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing and connecting bravery to the overall theme of the poem. (“ Bold. Fearless. Fierce. All of these words have one thing in common: they describe brave character. Bravery is a common characteristic that is the dream of almost every individual in the world, for it allows you to accomplish what most are too timid to do. In the short poem, ‘Old Snake’, the author, Pat Mora, metaphorically compares stepping out of your comfort zone to a snake shedding its old, frail skin. The overall meaning of the poem encourages the reader to dare to show your own true, bright colors and to be yourself, for it will allow you to surpass all of the obstacles that are holding you back.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As the reader, I believe that her use of metaphors did not only help me understand the message and the meaning of the poem, but it also helped me understand her tone of writing. It can be argued that the entire poem is one large metaphor, comparing a snake shedding out of its old skin to a person stepping out of his comfort zone to achieve the extraordinary. Such a metaphor can be seen in the third line of her poem. ‘You just can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (line 3). It can easily be inferred that Mora is discussing the old, worn out layer of skin that is limiting the snake’s ability. However, she uses this line to convey the message of her poem. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (" As you can see, Pat Mora is a very introspective poet who incorporated many key devices to strengthen her writing, both in a literal and figurative way. Her use of imagery allows her readers to feel like they exist inside the author's head because she describes her thoughts with the utmost precision. Convincingly, the figurative language, tone, and style help convey the hidden meaning of the poem easily. Do not hide behind an invisible cloak of fear and insecurity; instead, have confidence and power, and show the world who you really are.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores many of the literary devices the author used to express the overall meaning of the poem. (“ Poetry consists of many metaphors that are used by an author to compare two topics; the reader can understand the author’s intention of the true meaning with ease and clarity. In her poem, ‘Old Snake’, Pat Mora uses many metaphors to convey her message to the reader. As the reader, I believe that her use of metaphors did not only help me understand the message and the meaning of the poem, but it also helped me understand her tone of writing. It can be argued that the entire poem is one large metaphor, comparing a snake shedding out of its old skin to a person stepping out of his comfort zone to achieve the extraordinary. Such a metaphor can be seen in the third line of her poem. ‘You just can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (line 3). ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the author’s intentions so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the writer’s analysis of the overall meaning of the poem. (“ Lastly, Pat Mora uses motivation as the foundation for her deep, meaningful poem. The purpose of her poem is to inspire her readers to be the best that they can possibly be. To enforce the principles she conveys to the reader, she uses very strong, motivational phrases in the lines of her poem. These phrases help the reader understand the meaning of the poem and can allow for easily relating to the words of the poem. ‘Leave those gray words to dry in the sand and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors’ (lines 10-14). ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ Bold. Fearless. Fierce. All of these words have one thing in common: they describe brave character. Bravery is a common characteristic that is the dream of almost every individual in the world, for it allows you to accomplish what most are too timid to do. In the short poem, ‘Old Snake’, the author, Pat Mora, metaphorically compares stepping out of your comfort zone to a snake shedding its old, frail skin. The overall meaning of the poem encourages the reader to dare to show your own true, bright colors and to be yourself, for it will allow you to surpass all of the obstacles that are holding you back. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Convincingly, the figurative language, tone, and style help convey the hidden meaning of the poem easily. Do not hide behind an invisible cloak of fear and insecurity; instead, have confidence and power, and show the world who you really are.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

An Interpretation for "Old Snake"

"Old Snake knows. Sometimes you feel that you just can't breathe in your own tight skin." In the poem "Old Snake", by Pat Mora, the poet shows how Old Snake can empathize with you. While reading it, one can come to the conclusion that Pat Mora hungered to show the audience that you should live in the moment, and that if you are feeling regret, you are not alone. Poet, Pat Mora, uses alliteration, repetition, and free verse to show us that leaving behind all your dull thoughts, your negative words, will lead you to show your "bright true colors"(15). Like you, people will feel regrets, but do not get caught up in your past and feel guilt; move on and live your life in the moment.

To start off, when I analyzed the line, "Old snake knows."(1), I interpreted Old Snake, not as its literal form, but as an older figure. Someone who is wise, knowledgeable, confident, advice giving could play the role on Old Snake. I imagined the speaker as someone who was gone through what readers have gone through; someone who knows what it feels like to make a mistake. If the speaker can feel sensitive, it will help emphasize the theme of the poem: live a life with no regrets. For instance, I would not take guidance from someone who does not feel what I feel; someone who feels compassionate will be more likely to help readers of the poem. Howbeit, someone without condolence is less probable that the theme of it will be compelling. Knowing the narrator especially has to be convincing, the reader has to relate. Moreover, conceive of a reader who doesn't feel like they haven't done anything wrong in their life, in other words, someone "flawless". What if the reader can not relate? Then, the poem, so to say, is meaningless, but with a convincing speaker and a relatable reader, the poem is sure to show that if you move on, you will find happiness.

An additional reason to support the subject of the poem is when Old Vibora says "Leave those doubts and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears" (7). Therefore, it's telling you to look past all your regrets you have committed long ago, and look at now. This quote is very strong, for it advises that previous actions will nag and annoy, and tell you to feel bad about what you have done. But to be strong, you need to let them go. When it compares doubts and hurts to flies, it is making the point that remorse will provoke you, and when it says leave those doubts and hurts, it figuratively means to ignore. Because you physically cannot leave doubts and hurts behind, that is personification. Personally, I think that this quote especially emphasizes the theme of this poem. Knowing the theme of the poem is to be strong and leave your shame behind yourself, Old Snake knows you feel guilt. In line ten of the poem, the words "I can't I can’t" are used as repetition to accent how those words are negative and shouldn't be used if you are trying to get rid of regret.

Furthermore, to maintain the theme of "Old Snake", the quote "...and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors" (15), assists to exhibit people care more about what you are now, then who you were then. Besides the fact that the past may show who you were, your friends or family don't favor who you were two years ago, but how you behave now. If you live your life in a dark world because of one mistake, you are holding yourself back, and most people don't look for that quality in a friend. Moreover, someone who will "Leave those grey words to dry in the sand" (11, 12) is more probable to have a ton of friends and a loving family. When the poet uses grey words, he means negative, dark words; he uses personification to show how you leave grey words to dry in the sand. For example, you cannot actually leave words to dry in the sand, but you can definitely place them in the back of your brain, and attempt to forget about them.

All in all, the overall message of this poem is live your life in the moment, for if you are feeling regret for something you did in the past, it is too late to fix it, so stop worrying over what you were then and focus on who you are now. Pat Mora's poem has moved many by uses figurative language like "buzzing like flies..." (7), imagery for example "...you can't breathe in your own tight skin" (3,4), and free verse to truly stay to the topic and not worry about rhyming. He used great repetition: "I can't I can't"(10), to prove you don't need positive words for a positive poem, but negative words to relate and show how to move on it a positive poem. Relating to this poem, I have realized how to move on, and definitely got me to practice what I preach by living by the theme of this poem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on lessons from the poem that can be applied to real-life experiences. He/she is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Furthermore, to maintain the theme of ‘Old Snake’, the quote ‘...and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors’ (15), assists to exhibit people care more about what you are now, then who you were then. Besides the fact that the past may show who you were, your friends or family don't favor who you were two years ago, but how you behave now. If you live your life in a dark world because of one mistake, you are holding yourself back, and most people don't look for that quality in a friend.”)

The essay includes details that connect the essay question to the text. (“ An additional reason to support the subject of the poem is when Old Vibora says ‘Leave those doubts and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears’ (7). Therefore, it's telling you to look past all your regrets you have committed long ago, and look at now. This quote is very strong, for it advises that previous actions will nag and annoy, and tell you to feel bad about what you have done. But to be strong, you need to let them go. When it compares doubts and hurts to flies, it is making the point that remorse will provoke you, and when it says leave those doubts and hurts, it figuratively means to ignore.”)

The writer continually focuses on the connections between the Old Snake’s experiences and the lessons to be learned in human nature. His/her analysis aptly incorporates several literary terms to round out the response. (“ All in all, the overall message of this poem is live your life in the moment, for if you are feeling regret for something you did in the past, it is too late to fix it, so stop worrying over what you were then and focus on who you are now. Pat Mora's poem has moved many by uses figurative language like ‘buzzing like flies...’ (7), imagery for example ‘...you can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (3,4), and free verse to truly stay to the topic and not worry about rhyming.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops ideas by using a variety of specific and appropriate evidence from the poem to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the poem and connect to real-life experiences. (“An additional reason to support the subject of the poem is when Old Vibora says ‘Leave those doubts and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears’ (7). Therefore, it's telling you to look past all your regrets you have committed long ago, and look at now. This quote is very strong, for it advises that previous actions will nag and annoy, and tell you to feel bad about what you have done. But to be strong, you need to let them go. When it compares doubts and hurts to flies, it is making the point that remorse will provoke you, and when it says leave those doubts and hurts, it figuratively means to ignore.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the poem. (“ To start off, when I analyzed the line, ‘Old snake knows.’ (1), I interpreted Old Snake, not as its literal form, but as an older figure. Someone who is wise, knowledgeable, confident, advice giving could play the role on Old Snake. I imagined the speaker as someone who was gone through what readers have gone through; someone who knows what it feels like to make a mistake. If the speaker can feel sensitive, it will help emphasize the theme of the poem: live a life with no regrets.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Furthermore, to maintain the theme of ‘Old Snake’, the quote ‘...and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors’ (15), assists to exhibit people care more about what you are now, then who you were then. Besides the fact that the past may show who you were, your friends or family don't favor who you were two years ago, but how you behave now. If you live your life in a dark world because of one mistake, you are holding yourself back, and most people don't look for that quality in a friend.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ ‘Old Snake knows. Sometimes you feel that you just can't breathe in your own tight skin.’ In the poem ‘Old Snake’, by Pat Mora, the poet shows how Old Snake can empathize with you. While reading it, one can come to the conclusion that Pat Mora hungered to show the audience that you should live in the moment, and that if you are feeling regret, you are not alone. Poet, Pat Mora, uses alliteration, repetition, and free verse to show us that leaving behind all your dull thoughts, your negative words, will lead you to show your ‘bright true colors’(15). Like you, people will feel regrets, but do not get caught up in your past and feel guilt; move on and live your life in the moment.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Moreover, someone who will ‘Leave those grey words to dry in the sand’ (11, 12) is more probable to have a ton of friends and a loving family. When the poet uses grey words, he means negative, dark words; he uses personification to show how you leave grey words to dry in the sand. For example, you cannot actually leave words to dry in the sand, but you can definitely place them in the back of your brain, and attempt to forget about them.”)

The essay includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ All in all, the overall message of this poem is live your life in the moment, for if you are feeling regret for something you did in the past, it is too late to fix it, so stop worrying over what you were then and focus on who you are now. Pat Mora's poem has moved many by uses figurative language like ‘buzzing like flies...’ (7), imagery for example ‘...you can't breathe in your own tight skin’ (3,4), and free verse to truly stay to the topic and not worry about rhyming. He used great repetition: ‘I can't I can't’(10), to prove you don't need positive words for a positive poem, but negative words to relate and show how to move on it a positive poem. Relating to this poem, I have realized how to move on, and definitely got me to practice what I preach by living by the theme of this poem.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ When it compares doubts and hurts to flies, it is making the point that remorse will provoke you, and when it says leave those doubts and hurts, it figuratively means to ignore. Because you physically cannot leave doubts and hurts behind, that is personification. Personally, I think that this quote especially emphasizes the theme of this poem. Knowing the theme of the poem is to be strong and leave your shame behind yourself, Old Snake knows you feel guilt.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Furthermore, to maintain the theme of ‘"Old Snake’, the quote ‘...and dare to show your brave self, your bright true colors’ (15), assists to exhibit people care more about what you are now, then who you were then. Besides the fact that the past may show who you were, your friends or family don't favor who you were two years ago, but how you behave now. If you live your life in a dark world because of one mistake, you are holding yourself back, and most people don't look for that quality in a friend. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ An additional reason to support the subject of the poem is when Old Vibora says ‘Leave those doubts and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears’" (7). Therefore, it's telling you to look past all your regrets you have committed long ago, and look at now. This quote is very strong, for it advises that previous actions will nag and annoy, and tell you to feel bad about what you have done. But to be strong, you need to let them go.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ What if the reader can not relate? Then, the poem, so to say, is meaningless, but with a convincing speaker and a relatable reader, the poem is sure to show that if you move on, you will find happiness. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Breaking Free From Strongholds

Have you ever gotten discouraged because you could not accomplish a major goal in your life? In the poem "Old Snake" by Pat Mora, Old Snake teaches people to "show your brave self, your bright true colors." (Found in lines 12 - 14) The snake understands about the strongholds that keep people from rising to their true potential. He urges readers to dare to be original and unique without having to settle with the popular belief. Throughout the poem, the main message is clearly stated: Break free from any strongholds that lie between you and your dreams. Don't be afraid to show your true colors as you are original and unique.

"I'll never be able to accomplish my goals." Many people feel this way whenever they fail to meet their goals. They say pessimistic things about themselves. However, Old Snake tells readers to release themselves from those inhibitions that disable them to rise to their true potential. He urges them to "Leave those doubts and hurts." (Lines 4-5) "Leave those gray words to dry in the sand," he says encouragingly. "wriggle free from I can't, I can't." (Lines 8-9) Even in the midst of the darkest hour of our lives, we should still remain hopeful and optimistic.

Just to be able to fit in with the crowd, people dress, act, write, and even speak like everybody. The wise snake dares readers to be bold and resist the temptation of becoming popular. "Dare to show your brave self and your bright colors." (Lines 12-14) There are people who feel as though having friends who are popular make them popular as well. Little do they know that popularity doesn't get them anywhere in life. When you be yourself and like people for who they are, you are the true popular person.

When first reading this poem, I myself became inspired with the encouraging advice that Old Snake gave me. After reading this inspiring poem, I learned that I should entangle myself from the inhibitions I have about life in general and dare to be original and unique. So, for all those people who feel discouraged, remember that there's nothing you can't do if you just believe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she focuses on the messages that the Old Snake is attempting to teach and provides adequate details so the readers can ponder the messages in their own minds. (“‘I'll never be able to accomplish my goals.’ Many people feel this way whenever they fail to meet their goals. They say pessimistic things about themselves. However, Old Snake tells readers to release themselves from those inhibitions that disable them to rise to their true potential. He urges them to ‘Leave those doubts and hurts.’ (Lines 4-5) ‘Leave those gray words to dry in the sand,’ he says encouragingly. ‘wriggle free from I can't, I can't.’ (Lines 8-9) Even in the midst of the darkest hour of our lives, we should still remain hopeful and optimistic.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. The writer’s interpretations of several of the quotes prove effective in illustrating his/her understanding of the overall message of the poem. (“In the poem ‘Old Snake’ by Pat Mora, Old Snake teaches people to ‘show your brave self, your bright true colors.’ (Found in lines 12 - 14) The snake understands about the strongholds that keep people from rising to their true potential. He urges readers to dare to be original and unique without having to settle with the popular belief. Throughout the poem, the main message is clearly stated: Break free from any strongholds that lie between you and your dreams. Don't be afraid to show your true colors as you are original and unique.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. There is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of quotes in his/her interpretation of the poem, which is a very effective way to communicate his/her ideas to the intended audience. (“Just to be able to fit in with the crowd, people dress, act, write, and even speak like everybody. The wise snake dares readers to be bold and resist the temptation of becoming popular. ‘Dare to show your brave self and your bright colors.’ (Lines 12-14) There are people who feel as though having friends who are popular make them popular as well. Little do they know that popularity doesn't get them anywhere in life. When you be yourself and like people for who they are, you are the true popular person.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and appropriate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the poem. (“Just to be able to fit in with the crowd, people dress, act, write, and even speak like everybody. The wise snake dares readers to be bold and resist the temptation of becoming popular. ‘Dare to show your brave self and your bright colors.’ (Lines 12-14) There are people who feel as though having friends who are popular make them popular as well. Little do they know that popularity doesn't get them anywhere in life.”)

The essay includes quotations from the text. (“Many people feel this way whenever they fail to meet their goals. They say pessimistic things about themselves. However, Old Snake tells readers to release themselves from those inhibitions that disable them to rise to their true potential. He urges them to ‘Leave those doubts and hurts.’ (Lines 4-5)”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate main ideas. (“‘Leave those gray words to dry in the sand,’ he says encouragingly. ‘wriggle free from I can't, I can't.’ (Lines 8-9) Even in the midst of the darkest hour of our lives, we should still remain hopeful and optimistic.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is appropriate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by clearly revealing his/her interpretation of the overall meaning of the poem. (“ Have you ever gotten discouraged because you could not accomplish a major goal in your life? In the poem ‘Old Snake’ by Pat Mora, Old Snake teaches people to ‘show your brave self, your bright true colors.’ (Found in lines 12 - 14) The snake understands about the strongholds that keep people from rising to their true potential. He urges readers to dare to be original and unique without having to settle with the popular belief. Throughout the poem, the main message is clearly stated: Break free from any strongholds that lie between you and your dreams. Don't be afraid to show your true colors as you are original and unique.”)

The writer employs subtle transitions to adequately connect ideas. (“‘ I'll never be able to accomplish my goals.’ Many people feel this way whenever they fail to meet their goals. They say pessimistic things about themselves. However, Old Snake tells readers to release themselves from those inhibitions that disable them to rise to their true potential. He urges them to ‘Leave those doubts and hurts.’”)

The writer’s conclusion offers a reminder of the overall meaning of the poem to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ When first reading this poem, I myself became inspired with the encouraging advice that Old Snake gave me. After reading this inspiring poem, I learned that I should entangle myself from the inhibitions I have about life in general and dare to be original and unique. So, for all those people who feel discouraged, remember that there's nothing you can't do if you just believe. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. He/she provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Have you ever gotten discouraged because you could not accomplish a major goal in your life? In the poem ‘Old Snake’ by Pat Mora, Old Snake teaches people to ‘show your brave self, your bright true colors.’ (Found in lines 12 - 14) The snake understands about the strongholds that keep people from rising to their true potential. He urges readers to dare to be original and unique without having to settle with the popular belief.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice throughout the essay. (“‘ I'll never be able to accomplish my goals.’ Many people feel this way whenever they fail to meet their goals. They say pessimistic things about themselves. However, Old Snake tells readers to release themselves from those inhibitions that disable them to rise to their true potential. He urges them to ‘Leave those doubts and hurts.’ ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ There are people who feel as though having friends who are popular make them popular as well. Little do they know that popularity doesn't get them anywhere in life. When you be yourself and like people for who they are, you are the true popular person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated by indents or line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ The snake understands about the strongholds that keep people from rising to their true potential. He urges readers to dare to be original and unique without having to settle with the popular belief. Throughout the poem, the main message is clearly stated: Break free from any strongholds that lie between you and your dreams. Don't be afraid to show your true colors as you are original and unique.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Interpretations for Old Snake

In the beginning of the poem of the Old Snake, it's about a snake. The tired snake doesn't like being a snake. It's hard for him because he is old. He shows in the poam that it's hard for him. The snake wants to be free and show what it can do. I'm going to explain what he wants to do and how he sometimes doesn't like being a snake. Also, I'm going to tell you what I thought of the poem.

The snake thinks he can't express himself because he feels like small with his tight body. In the poem, he feels sad, emotionless, and hurt. The vibora compares it like, "...and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears." The snake doesn't believe in his self and feels in the poem, "...doubts..." He feels like he can't even breath in his small body. He's sad, but under his tiny skinny body, but truly he is really strong. I like how the poem how it shows that it's a weakling snake in the beginning turning out to be a strong snake, but the snake doesn't know it. It's sad how it said, "When you feel you frowns..." It's a sad and good poem. The sad lonely snake that turns out to be the bravest. The author said, "You just can't breath in your own tight skin." That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath. Also, the author said,"Leave those gray words." Showing that he's getting confidence. I like how the author is trying to encourage the snake to be happy and not look down on him self.

Somethings I didn't like in the poem. I think the author could've explained it more and had the poem longer. Maybe show what the snake can do. Show how he is strong and independent in many ways. The ending was ok. The poem doesn't have a setting. It needs to explain more. The ending needs to show more things. It's not explaining anything. It needs to show that he's better than just skinny old snake. They should have more reasons why he is sad and why he doesn't believe in himself.

In conclusion, the poem is a really good poem. It explains how the snake is feeling sad and later on feeling he do something great. It shows how the snake is feeling and it's really good. The poem is pointing out that you should be happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only a few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer asserts a limited central/controlling idea. (“I'm going to explain what he wants to do and how he sometimes doesn't like being a snake. Also, I'm going to tell you what I thought of the poem.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By discussing a few of the snake’s quotes, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“The author said, ‘You just can't breath in your own tight skin.’ That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath. Also, the author said,’Leave those gray words.’ Showing that he's getting confidence. I like how the author is trying to encourage the snake to be happy and not look down on him self.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the poem, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The snake thinks he can't express himself because he feels like small with his tight body. In the poem, he feels sad, emotionless, and hurt. The vibora compares it like, ‘...and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears.’ The snake doesn't believe in his self and feels in the poem, ‘...doubts...’ He feels like he can't even breath in his small body.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and appropriate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer is limited in providing details that connect the essay question to the text. (“It shows how the snake is feeling and it's really good. The poem is pointing out that you should be happy.”)

The writer provides irrelevant information that does not contribute to maintaining focus on the prompt task. (“Somethings I didn't like in the poem. I think the author could've explained it more and had the poem longer. Maybe show what the snake can do. Show how he is strong and independent in many ways. The ending was ok. The poem doesn't have a setting. It needs to explain more. The ending needs to show more things. It's not explaining anything. It needs to show that he's better than just skinny old snake.”)

The writer provides only a few quotes from the poem to illustrate ideas. (“It's sad how it said, ‘When you feel you frowns...’ It's a sad and good poem. The sad lonely snake that turns out to be the bravest. The author said, ‘You just can't breath in your own tight skin.’ That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure in the essay but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the beginning of the poem of the Old Snake, it's about a snake. The tired snake doesn't like being a snake. It's hard for him because he is old. He shows in the poam that it's hard for him. The snake wants to be free and show what it can do. I'm going to explain what he wants to do and how he sometimes doesn't like being a snake. Also, I'm going to tell you what I thought of the poem. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ The author said, ‘You just can't breath in your own tight skin.’ That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath. Also, the author said,‘Leave those gray words.’ Showing that he's getting confidence. I like how the author is trying to encourage the snake to be happy and not look down on him self. ”)

The limited conclusion does not serve to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, the poem is a really good poem. It explains how the snake is feeling sad and later on feeling he do something great. It shows how the snake is feeling and it's really good. The poem is pointing out that you should be happy. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ The sad lonely snake that turns out to be the bravest. The author said, ‘You just can't breath in your own tight skin.’ That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath. Also, the author said,’Leave those gray words.’ Showing that he's getting confidence. ”)

Although the writer manages an informative tone in the essay, he/she does not maintain enough focus on interpreting the meaning of the poem so that readers can relate to the ideas for discussion. (“ The snake thinks he can't express himself because he feels like small with his tight body. In the poem, he feels sad, emotionless, and hurt. The vibora compares it like, ‘...and hurts buzzing like flies in your ears.’ The snake doesn't believe in his self and feels in the poem, ‘...doubts...’ He feels like he can't even breath in his small body. He's sad, but under his tiny skinny body, but truly he is really strong. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Somethings I didn't like in the poem. I think the author could've explained it more and had the poem longer. Maybe show what the snake can do. Show how he is strong and independent in many ways. The ending was ok. The poem doesn't have a setting. It needs to explain more. The ending needs to show more things. It's not explaining anything.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. Numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and assure that each word is used and spelled correctly. (“ That is showing how the snake is sad and he can't breath. Also, the author said,‘Leave those gray words.’ Showing that he's getting confidence. I like how the author is trying to encourage the snake to be happy and not look down on him self. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Did you think you are old,and you give up your life? Do not give up, you need to read this poem, this poem's name is " old snake" by Pat Mora. This poem are talking about a snake is old, but he never give up his life, he always thinking about the good way about his life, and he bravely forward, if you want learned this poem, keep reading!

This poem has one stanza and 15 lines. This poem is a free verse. This poem are talking about an old snake in the world, although he is old, but he never give up his life, he always think the good of his life. One thing I learned from this poem is do not give up when you just filled, you need to think a good way to study, and you need to keep doing forward. So you can do better next time, you can learned a lot of thing from this poem, if you read hard

After you learned about this poem, did you learned a lot of thing? Did you want be the old snake look forward, or the dull people, only looked know? Pick you own answer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay’s central/controlling idea is minimal. The writer mentions the meaning of the poem in his/her view; however, because of weak details and syntactical challenges, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“This poem are talking about an old snake in the world, although he is old, but he never give up his life, he always think the good of his life. One thing I learned from this poem is do not give up when you just filled, you need to think a good way to study, and you need to keep doing forward. So you can do better next time, you can learned a lot of thing from this poem, if you read hard”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because relevant details are not included to allow for a clear and convincing interpretation of the poem. (“ After you learned about this poem, did you learned a lot of thing? Did you want be the old snake look forward, or the dull people, only looked know? Pick you own answer. ”)

The writer does not sufficiently focus on the requirements of the prompt task. (“ This poem are talking about a snake is old, but he never give up his life, he always thinking about the good way about his life, and he bravely forward, if you want learned this poem, keep reading!”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The writer neglects to include adequate details that would connect the essay question to the text. He/she seems to be attempting to interpret the poem but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the ideas with clarity. (“Did you think you are old,and you give up your life? Do not give up, you need to read this poem, this poem's name is ‘ old snake’ by Pat Mora. This poem are talking about a snake is old, but he never give up his life, he always thinking about the good way about his life, and he bravely forward…”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“One thing I learned from this poem is do not give up when you just filled, you need to think a good way to study, and you need to keep doing forward. So you can do better next time, you can learned a lot of thing from this poem, if you read hard”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“After you learned about this poem, did you learned a lot of thing? Did you want be the old snake look forward, or the dull people, only looked know? Pick you own answer.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. There is minimal structure and a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Did you think you are old,and you give up your life? Do not give up, you need to read this poem, this poem's name is ‘ old snake’ by Pat Mora.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that effectively explain his/her interpretation of the poem. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“This poem has one stanza and 15 lines. This poem is a free verse. This poem are talking about an old snake in the world, although he is old, but he never give up his life, he always think the good of his life.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ After you learned about this poem, did you learned a lot of thing? Did you want be the old snake look forward, or the dull people, only looked know? Pick you own answer. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage, which significantly affect meaning.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ This poem are talking about a snake is old, but he never give up his life, he always thinking about the good way about his life, and he bravely forward, if you want learned this poem, keep reading!”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ This poem are talking about an old snake in the world, although he is old, but he never give up his life, he always think the good of his life.”) Notably, syntax problems make the response very difficult to read and understand.

There is repetition. (“ So you can do better next time, you can learned a lot of thing from this poem, if you read hard After you learned about this poem, did you learned a lot of thing?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ So you can do better next time, you can learned a lot of thing from this poem, if you read hard ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This short, yet poem show a perfect anlogy to life today "old Snake" written by Pat Mora. The main character in the poem is the snake stuck in his old skin tying to shed. the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self.

The snake needs to show it-self but it says it just can't must shed the tight skin show your brave self, Your bright true colors. must rip open from its old shell and break free.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to support assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine the writer’s interpretation of the overall meaning of the poem . The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“This short, yet poem show a perfect anlogy to life today ‘old Snake’ written by Pat Mora. The main character in the poem is the snake stuck in his old skin tying to shed.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The snake needs to show it-self but it says it just can't must shed the tight skin show your brave self, Your bright true colors. must rip open from its old shell and break free.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The writer lacks effective development of ideas and includes no meaningful references to the text to support his/her assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay does not include adequate details that would connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to extract meaning from the poem but does not develop ideas in any way. (“The main character in the poem is the snake stuck in his old skin tying to shed. the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The snake needs to show it-self but it says it just can't must shed the tight skin show your brave self, Your bright true colors. must rip open from its old shell and break free.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“This short, yet poem show a perfect anlogy to life today ‘old Snake’ written by Pat Mora. The main character in the poem is the snake stuck in his old skin tying to shed. the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self. The snake needs to show it-self but it says it just can't must shed the tight skin show your brave self, Your bright true colors. must rip open from its old shell and break free.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ This short, yet poem show a perfect anlogy to life today ‘old Snake’ written by Pat Mora.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The main character in the poem is the snake stuck in his old skin tying to shed. the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self.”) Transitional devices help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ The snake needs to show it-self but it says it just can't must shed the tight skin show your brave self, Your bright true colors. must rip open from its old shell and break free.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ must rip open from its old shell and break free.”)

Missing words affect meaning in the essay. (“ This short, yet poem show a perfect anlogy to life today ‘old Snake’ written by Pat Mora.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“the other snake trys to convice snake to shed apart from old skin Be. your self.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Just a Normal Day…”

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you analyze the characters and main idea of the story. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the story to support your response.

“Just a Normal Day…”

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Slam," the out of control compact hit the driver's side of the car, sending it spinning through the rain, sliding past a huge oak tree, before landing in a ditch. For young Chad, what started out as "Just a Normal Day," ended with memories of rain streaking across the car window as he sat complaining to his mother, and the unknown fear of what would happen next. In this short fiction story, the reader is pulled in with realistic events, sending a message to all by giving life-altering examples, along with heartfelt family moments. This magnificent selection involves several meaningful characters, including the main character, Chad, his soccer coach, and his father, whose actions help to develop the main idea of the story: that life should not be taken for granted.

As the protagonist of the story, Chad, being a complainer, does his best to avoid the physical demands placed on him by his soccer coach. When Chad stepped into his mother's car, wet and upset, he immediately started whining about his brutal soccer practice, and how he wished he had been hurt so he did not have to be there. "The coach made us do drills and run sprints and basically punished all of us," Chad exclaimed. Rather than accepting his coach's choice to practice in the rain with a positive attitude, Chad only saw how miserable he was. Little did he know, that when he strapped himself into his mother's car, he would be involved in a terrible car accident, leaving him hurt and scared. At the beginning of what seemed to be "Just a Normal Day," Chad appears to be ungrateful for all that he has. However, by the end of story, this dynamic character has a touching change of heart, and learns to appreciate life and all his blessings. What seemed to be "Just a Normal Day" turned out to be a day that Chad would never forget.

Other characters in the story that helped to capture the main idea are Chad's soccer coach and Chad’s father. When Chad described the coach to his mother, he made him sound like a cruel man, but in all reality, he just wanted to make his team better and teach the boys a valuable lesson. It may have been true that the coach was upset with the team, but coaches want their players to live up to their potential. The coach had high expectations and wanted the team to be successful. After the accident, the thought of Chad's coach made him appreciate his love and desire to play soccer. Chad's father also plays an important role in "Just a Normal Day." A kind, gentle, caring man, Chad's father shows his love for Chad by staying at his bedside in the hospital. In the story, Chad says, "He remembers Dad sprawled out in the chair snoring." Chad, his soccer coach, and his father all play the perfect roles, demonstrating the main idea of not taking anything in life for granted.

All of the characters helped to develop the main idea that life is unpredictable, so do not take anything for granted. Chad took his ability to run and practice soccer for granted. Instead of being happy about playing soccer outside in the rain, Chad got into his mother's car and was miserable. "As I got into my mom's car after practice, I didn't have a clue that I would soon be wishing I could run in the rain again…” Chad exclaimed. After hearing the story of the terrible crash from the policeman, Chad felt lucky to be alive. "He said that when he initially saw our wrecked car, he didn't think there would be any survivors." It was then that Chad felt how truly lucky he was to be alive. In the end, Chad realized that he should not take anything for granted, and he now appreciates the important things in life, like his health and the love of his family.

In conclusion, Chad finally realized that what started as "Just a Normal Day," could have been his last. This wonderful story includes several people whose actions help develop the main idea of not taking anything in life for granted. The main idea can relate to everyone, and people should appreciate the little things in life, and stop "sweating the small stuff." Chad learned a valuable life lesson, and the reader does as well. Hopefully, both will go on teaching this important life lesson to others, especially how "Just a Normal Day" can change your life forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“‘Slam,’ the out of control compact hit the driver's side of the car, sending it spinning through the rain, sliding past a huge oak tree, before landing in a ditch. For young Chad, what started out as ‘Just a Normal Day,’ ended with memories of rain streaking across the car window as he sat complaining to his mother, and the unknown fear of what would happen next. In this short fiction story, the reader is pulled in with realistic events, sending a message to all by giving life-altering examples, along with heartfelt family moments. This magnificent selection involves several meaningful characters, including the main character, Chad, his soccer coach, and his father, whose actions help to develop the main idea of the story: that life should not be taken for granted.”)

The essay is clearly focused on the question asked in the prompt. (“Rather than accepting his coach's choice to practice in the rain with a positive attitude, Chad only saw how miserable he was. Little did he know, that when he strapped himself into his mother's car, he would be involved in a terrible car accident, leaving him hurt and scared. At the beginning of what seemed to be ‘Just a Normal Day,’ Chad appears to be ungrateful for all that he has. However, by the end of story, this dynamic character has a touching change of heart, and learns to appreciate life and all his blessings. What seemed to be ‘Just a Normal Day’ turned out to be a day that Chad would never forget.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Chad took his ability to run and practice soccer for granted. Instead of being happy about playing soccer outside in the rain, Chad got into his mother's car and was miserable. ‘As I got into my mom's car after practice, I didn't have a clue that I would soon be wishing I could run in the rain again…’Chad exclaimed. After hearing the story of the terrible crash from the policeman, Chad felt lucky to be alive. ‘He said that when he initially saw our wrecked car, he didn't think there would be any survivors.’ It was then that Chad felt how truly lucky he was to be alive. In the end, Chad realized that he should not take anything for granted, and he now appreciates the important things in life, like his health and the love of his family.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“After the accident, the thought of Chad's coach made him appreciate his love and desire to play soccer. Chad's father also plays an important role in ‘Just a Normal Day.’ A kind, gentle, caring man, Chad's father shows his love for Chad by staying at his bedside in the hospital. In the story, Chad says, ‘He remembers Dad sprawled out in the chair snoring.’ Chad, his soccer coach, and his father all play the perfect roles, demonstrating the main idea of not taking anything in life for granted.”)

The essay includes important details about the characters to satisfy the analysis requirement of the prompt task. (“Chad's father also plays an important role in ‘Just a Normal Day.’ A kind, gentle, caring man, Chad's father shows his love for Chad by staying at his bedside in the hospital. In the story, Chad says, ‘He remembers Dad sprawled out in the chair snoring.’ Chad, his soccer coach, and his father all play the perfect roles, demonstrating the main idea of not taking anything in life for granted.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“As the protagonist of the story, Chad, being a complainer, does his best to avoid the physical demands placed on him by his soccer coach. When Chad stepped into his mother's car, wet and upset, he immediately started whining about his brutal soccer practice, and how he wished he had been hurt so he did not have to be there. ‘The coach made us do drills and run sprints and basically punished all of us,’ Chad exclaimed. Rather than accepting his coach's choice to practice in the rain with a positive attitude, Chad only saw how miserable he was.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing the scenario and the main idea learned by characters in the story, “Just a Normal Day…” (“‘ Slam,’ the out of control compact hit the driver's side of the car, sending it spinning through the rain, sliding past a huge oak tree, before landing in a ditch. For young Chad, what started out as ‘Just a Normal Day,’ ended with memories of rain streaking across the car window as he sat complaining to his mother, and the unknown fear of what would happen next. In this short fiction story, the reader is pulled in with realistic events, sending a message to all by giving life-altering examples, along with heartfelt family moments. This magnificent selection involves several meaningful characters, including the main character, Chad, his soccer coach, and his father, whose actions help to develop the main idea of the story: that life should not be taken for granted.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Rather than accepting his coach's choice to practice in the rain with a positive attitude, Chad only saw how miserable he was. Little did he know, that when he strapped himself into his mother's car, he would be involved in a terrible car accident, leaving him hurt and scared. At the beginning of what seemed to be ‘Just a Normal Day,’ Chad appears to be ungrateful for all that he has. However, by the end of story, this dynamic character has a touching change of heart, and learns to appreciate life and all his blessings.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In conclusion, Chad finally realized that what started as ‘Just a Normal Day,’ could have been his last. This wonderful story includes several people whose actions help develop the main idea of not taking anything in life for granted. The main idea can relate to everyone, and people should appreciate the little things in life, and stop ‘sweating the small stuff.’ Chad learned a valuable life lesson, and the reader does as well. Hopefully, both will go on teaching this important life lesson to others, especially how ‘Just a Normal Day’ can change your life forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events occurring in the story and connects them to the main idea and the lesson to be learned from Chad’s experience. (“ Chad took his ability to run and practice soccer for granted. Instead of being happy about playing soccer outside in the rain, Chad got into his mother's car and was miserable. ‘As I got into my mom's car after practice, I didn't have a clue that I would soon be wishing I could run in the rain again…’ Chad exclaimed. After hearing the story of the terrible crash from the policeman, Chad felt lucky to be alive.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of Chad’s experiences so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the main idea of the story and how it impacted Chad’s life. (“ All of the characters helped to develop the main idea that life is unpredictable, so do not take anything for granted. Chad took his ability to run and practice soccer for granted. Instead of being happy about playing soccer outside in the rain, Chad got into his mother's car and was miserable. ‘As I got into my mom's car after practice, I didn't have a clue that I would soon be wishing I could run in the rain again…’ Chad exclaimed. After hearing the story of the terrible crash from the policeman, Chad felt lucky to be alive. ‘He said that when he initially saw our wrecked car, he didn't think there would be any survivors.’ It was then that Chad felt how truly lucky he was to be alive. In the end, Chad realized that he should not take anything for granted, and he now appreciates the important things in life, like his health and the love of his family.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Other characters in the story that helped to capture the main idea are Chad's soccer coach and Chad’s father. When Chad described the coach to his mother, he made him sound like a cruel man, but in all reality, he just wanted to make his team better and teach the boys a valuable lesson. It may have been true that the coach was upset with the team, but coaches want their players to live up to their potential. The coach had high expectations and wanted the team to be successful. After the accident, the thought of Chad's coach made him appreciate his love and desire to play soccer.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ As the protagonist of the story, Chad, being a complainer, does his best to avoid the physical demands placed on him by his soccer coach. When Chad stepped into his mother's car, wet and upset, he immediately started whining about his brutal soccer practice, and how he wished he had been hurt so he did not have to be there.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Tears were streaming down my face, and I couldn't figure out what had happened. It was like waking up in a horrible nightmare, except that my leg was burning with pain. I guess I passed out again because the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital." This quote was taken from the realistic fiction short story "Just a Normal Day..." In this tale, a boy is heading home when he and his mother undergo a traumatic car crash that changes their lives. "Just a Normal Day..."involves characters such as Chad and his father who enforce the main idea that you should never take anything for granted.

Chad, the protagonist, has many qualities which lead him to discover that nothing should be taken for granted. After losing his athletic ability with the spiral fracture in his leg, he became grateful for the fact that the accident hadn't affected him more seriously. He is a dynamic character, as illustrated by the sentence "Since then I have really begun to appreciate many things I used to take for granted." The word 'since' in that quote hints at an opposing idea. Our protagonist used to complain endlessly. This is proven in the quote, "I started whining about how unfair it was that the coach worked us so hard. I remember saying that I wish I had sprained an ankle or something in the game so I could have missed practice." Another example of a change in Chad's attitude is seen in the quote "Wow that would be the last time I ever said anything like that again."

Just as well, Chad's Dad leads us to see the main idea with his actions, too. Dad is a static character. I know this because his attitude remains the same throughout the selection. He is supportive and compassionate towards his family as demonstrated when he is found by Chad's bedside in the hospital ready to explain what has happened. The father in this selection seems to know how important family is. I doubt he would ever take them for granted. Chad's father is concerned for his son's safety. "He woke up and told me what happened and that my mother would be discharged that day. He explained that I was pretty banged up." Chad and his dad both seem grateful for their health and current well-being.

The main idea of "Just a Normal Day..." is that you shouldn't take anything for granted. At first, Chad is ungrateful for what he has, "I started whining about how unfair it was that the coach worked us so hard." Later, Chad regrets saying this. This is proven when Chad says this: "... that would be the last time I ever said anything like that again." He is appreciative for the use of his legs and his athletic ability. In the hospital, Chad is thankful that he wore a seatbelt in the car so the accident was not any worse, "Thank goodness I was wearing a seatbelt." Much later, Chad finally understands that you should not take anything for granted. "Then I realized that this accident happened on a normal day in my life, and that day might have been my last .... Since then I have really begun to appreciate many things that I used to take for granted."

To conclude, "Just a Normal Day ..." shows us how important it is to appreciate what we do have. I try to be continually appreciative of everything I have. Having been in a car accident myself, I can relate to feeling very grateful. Chad will probably always remember his gratitude and the accident which made him realize it. We all can relate to taking things for granted but we know that in the long run, life itself is the most important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on the requirements of the prompt task by analyzing characters and exploring the main idea of the story. (“ Chad, the protagonist, has many qualities which lead him to discover that nothing should be taken for granted. After losing his athletic ability with the spiral fracture in his leg, he became grateful for the fact that the accident hadn't affected him more seriously. He is a dynamic character, as illustrated by the sentence ‘Since then I have really begun to appreciate many things I used to take for granted.’ The word 'since' in that quote hints at an opposing idea. Our protagonist used to complain endlessly.”)

The essay includes details about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“ The main idea of ‘Just a Normal Day...’ is that you shouldn't take anything for granted. At first, Chad is ungrateful for what he has, ‘I started whining about how unfair it was that the coach worked us so hard.’ Later, Chad regrets saying this. This is proven when Chad says this: ‘... that would be the last time I ever said anything like that again.’ He is appreciative for the use of his legs and his athletic ability. ”)

The writer also focuses on a secondary character; in this case, he/she analyzes Chad’s father. (“ Just as well, Chad's Dad leads us to see the main idea with his actions, too. Dad is a static character. I know this because his attitude remains the same throughout the selection. He is supportive and compassionate towards his family as demonstrated when he is found by Chad's bedside in the hospital ready to explain what has happened. The father in this selection seems to know how important family is. I doubt he would ever take them for granted. Chad's father is concerned for his son's safety. ‘He woke up and told me what happened and that my mother would be discharged that day. He explained that I was pretty banged up.’ Chad and his dad both seem grateful for their health and current well-being. ”)

Content & Development

The essay exhibits good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer provides a thesis that relates to the theme of the story, including some specific information about the plot and the main character. (“ In this tale, a boy is heading home when he and his mother undergo a traumatic car crash that changes their lives. ‘Just a Normal Day...’involves characters such as Chad and his father who enforce the main idea that you should never take anything for granted. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Chad, the protagonist, has many qualities which lead him to discover that nothing should be taken for granted. After losing his athletic ability with the spiral fracture in his leg, he became grateful for the fact that the accident hadn't affected him more seriously. He is a dynamic character, as illustrated by the sentence ‘Since then I have really begun to appreciate many things I used to take for granted.’ The word 'since' in that quote hints at an opposing idea. Our protagonist used to complain endlessly. This is proven in the quote, ‘I started whining about how unfair it was that the coach worked us so hard. I remember saying that I wish I had sprained an ankle or something in the game so I could have missed practice.’ ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Just as well, Chad's Dad leads us to see the main idea with his actions, too. Dad is a static character. I know this because his attitude remains the same throughout the selection. He is supportive and compassionate towards his family as demonstrated when he is found by Chad's bedside in the hospital ready to explain what has happened. The father in this selection seems to know how important family is. I doubt he would ever take them for granted. Chad's father is concerned for his son's safety. ‘He woke up and told me what happened and that my mother would be discharged that day. He explained that I was pretty banged up.’ Chad and his dad both seem grateful for their health and current well-being. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. He/she presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The beginning of the response grabs the readers’ attention by opening with a quote from the story and then providing background information to engage the readers from the start. (“‘ Tears were streaming down my face, and I couldn't figure out what had happened. It was like waking up in a horrible nightmare, except that my leg was burning with pain. I guess I passed out again because the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital.’ This quote was taken from the realistic fiction short story ‘Just a Normal Day...’ In this tale, a boy is heading home when he and his mother undergo a traumatic car crash that changes their lives. ‘Just a Normal Day...’involves characters such as Chad and his father who enforce the main idea that you should never take anything for granted. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Just as well, Chad's Dad leads us to see the main idea with his actions, too. Dad is a static character. I know this because his attitude remains the same throughout the selection. He is supportive and compassionate towards his family as demonstrated when he is found by Chad's bedside in the hospital ready to explain what has happened. The father in this selection seems to know how important family is. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ To conclude, ‘Just a Normal Day ...’ shows us how important it is to appreciate what we do have. I try to be continually appreciative of everything I have. Having been in a car accident myself, I can relate to feeling very grateful. Chad will probably always remember his gratitude and the accident which made him realize it. We all can relate to taking things for granted but we know that in the long run, life itself is the most important. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Just as well, Chad's Dad leads us to see the main idea with his actions, too. Dad is a static character. I know this because his attitude remains the same throughout the selection. He is supportive and compassionate towards his family as demonstrated when he is found by Chad's bedside in the hospital ready to explain what has happened. The father in this selection seems to know how important family is. I doubt he would ever take them for granted. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Chad, the protagonist, has many qualities which lead him to discover that nothing should be taken for granted. After losing his athletic ability with the spiral fracture in his leg, he became grateful for the fact that the accident hadn't affected him more seriously. He is a dynamic character, as illustrated by the sentence ‘Since then I have really begun to appreciate many things I used to take for granted.’ The word 'since' in that quote hints at an opposing idea. Our protagonist used to complain endlessly. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ The main idea of ‘Just a Normal Day...’ is that you shouldn't take anything for granted. At first, Chad is ungrateful for what he has, ‘I started whining about how unfair it was that the coach worked us so hard.’ Later, Chad regrets saying this. This is proven when Chad says this: ‘... that would be the last time I ever said anything like that again.’ He is appreciative for the use of his legs and his athletic ability. In the hospital, Chad is thankful that he wore a seatbelt in the car so the accident was not any worse, ‘Thank goodness I was wearing a seatbelt.’ ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Chad, the protagonist, has many qualities which lead him to discover that nothing should be taken for granted. After losing his athletic ability with the spiral fracture in his leg, he became grateful for the fact that the accident hadn't affected him more seriously. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short story "Just a Normal Day", we are introduced to a boy who takes his life for granted. This boy and his mother get into a terrible life altering car accident and he finds himself in a position where he may not be able to use his body to play his favorite sport, soccer, for an entire year.

In the story, this boy Chad is at soccer practice and it is raining. He doesn't want to be there and his coach is forcing him to do alot of running. He decides that he is miserable and his attitude shows it. When he gets into his mother's car after practice, he goes on and on complaining about how terrible practice was. He goes so far as to say that he wished that he would've gotten hurt so he wouldn't have to practice and especially wouldn't have to run in the rain. While he is in middle of a sentence ranting about his conditions, his mother crashes the car and both he and his mother lose consciousness.

When Chad wakes up from the trauma, he finds himself in the hospital with his father sitting asleep in a chair snoring loudly. He quickly discovers that he has been seriously injured in the accident including several broken bones. The doctor tells him that his injuries are so serious that they may take a year to heal before he will be able to return to soccer.

When Chad realizes the seriousness of his situation, he begins to regret all his complaints about how his life before the accident had been. Chad realizes he should have appreciated how lucky he was to have been healthy and able to participate in sports. Through Chad's new appreciation for his health, the author shows us that we should always remember not to take the good things in life for granted.

This story shows us two strong characters; Chad and his father. Chad's character is caring and regretful. Chad shows us his ability to care when the first thing he asks about when he wakes up in the hospital is whether his mother is alright. Chad is regretful when he realizes he had spent his life not appreciating his health and opportunities. We are shown the responsibility characteristic in Chad's father. The father never leaves his wife and son's side in the hospital and is there for the both of them to support them in their recovery.

"Just a Normal Day" demonstrated a big life lesson. It showed me not to take things in life for granted and to make the most of every opportunity. Chad's tragedy caused me to think about my own life and learn from his experience.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer analyzes the characters, although briefly, discusses the main idea of the selection, and provides some adequate details for both. (“Chad realizes he should have appreciated how lucky he was to have been healthy and able to participate in sports. Through Chad's new appreciation for his health, the author shows us that we should always remember not to take the good things in life for granted. This story shows us two strong characters; Chad and his father. Chad's character is caring and regretful. Chad shows us his ability to care when the first thing he asks about when he wakes up in the hospital is whether his mother is alright…”)

The writer generally maintains the same focus throughout the response. He/she explains the scenario, briefly analyzes two of the main characters, and discusses the main idea in the selection. (“When Chad wakes up from the trauma, he finds himself in the hospital with his father sitting asleep in a chair snoring loudly. He quickly discovers that he has been seriously injured in the accident including several broken bones. The doctor tells him that his injuries are so serious that they may take a year to heal before he will be able to return to soccer. When Chad realizes the seriousness of his situation, he begins to regret all his complaints about how his life before the accident had been.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses appropriate word selections to inform the intended audience, and it is an effective way to communicate the overall message. (“In the story, this boy Chad is at soccer practice and it is raining. He doesn't want to be there and his coach is forcing him to do alot of running. He decides that he is miserable and his attitude shows it. When he gets into his mother's car after practice, he goes on and on complaining about how terrible practice was. He goes so far as to say that he wished that he would've gotten hurt so he wouldn't have to practice and especially wouldn't have to run in the rain. While he is in middle of a sentence ranting about his conditions, his mother crashes the car and both he and his mother lose consciousness.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development in the essay. He/she develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally reveals details that satisfy the prompt task. However, the writer should add more specific information from the text, along with personal insights, to fully inform the readers about the characters and the main idea of the story. (“This story shows us two strong characters; Chad and his father. Chad's character is caring and regretful. Chad shows us his ability to care when the first thing he asks about when he wakes up in the hospital is whether his mother is alright. Chad is regretful when he realizes he had spent his life not appreciating his health and opportunities. We are shown the responsibility characteristic in Chad's father. The father never leaves his wife and son's side in the hospital and is there for the both of them to support them in their recovery.”)

The essay could include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text rather than just a summary of conversations occurring in the selection. (“When he gets into his mother's car after practice, he goes on and on complaining about how terrible practice was. He goes so far as to say that he wished that he would've gotten hurt so he wouldn't have to practice and especially wouldn't have to run in the rain. While he is in middle of a sentence ranting about his conditions, his mother crashes the car and both he and his mother lose consciousness.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main idea of the story. (“When Chad realizes the seriousness of his situation, he begins to regret all his complaints about how his life before the accident had been. Chad realizes he should have appreciated how lucky he was to have been healthy and able to participate in sports. Through Chad's new appreciation for his health, the author shows us that we should always remember not to take the good things in life for granted.”)

Organization

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the short story ‘Just a Normal Day’, we are introduced to a boy who takes his life for granted. This boy and his mother get into a terrible life altering car accident and he finds himself in a position where he may not be able to use his body to play his favorite sport, soccer, for an entire year.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank could serve to connect ideas in a more effective way. (“ When Chad wakes up from the trauma, he finds himself in the hospital with his father sitting asleep in a chair snoring loudly. He quickly discovers that he has been seriously injured in the accident including several broken bones. The doctor tells him that his injuries are so serious that they may take a year to heal before he will be able to return to soccer.”)

The conclusion, although brief, gives the readers a sense of closure. (“‘ Just a Normal Day’ demonstrated a big life lesson. It showed me not to take things in life for granted and to make the most of every opportunity. Chad's tragedy caused me to think about my own life and learn from his experience. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate for the task presented. The essay reveals appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In the story, this boy Chad is at soccer practice and it is raining. He doesn't want to be there and his coach is forcing him to do alot of running. He decides that he is miserable and his attitude shows it. When he gets into his mother's car after practice, he goes on and on complaining about how terrible practice was.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she analyzes characters and explores the main idea of the story. (“ This story shows us two strong characters; Chad and his father. Chad's character is caring and regretful. Chad shows us his ability to care when the first thing he asks about when he wakes up in the hospital is whether his mother is alright. Chad is regretful when he realizes he had spent his life not appreciating his health and opportunities. We are shown the responsibility characteristic in Chad's father. The father never leaves his wife and son's side in the hospital and is there for the both of them to support them in their recovery. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ When Chad realizes the seriousness of his situation, he begins to regret all his complaints about how his life before the accident had been. Chad realizes he should have appreciated how lucky he was to have been healthy and able to participate in sports. Through Chad's new appreciation for his health, the author shows us that we should always remember not to take the good things in life for granted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ When Chad wakes up from the trauma, he finds himself in the hospital with his father sitting asleep in a chair snoring loudly. He quickly discovers that he has been seriously injured in the accident including several broken bones.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are alot of reasons why you should appreciate life. Anything can happen one normal day. You can be driving and someone crashes into you all of a sudden. You can be walking down a street and someone steals your wallet. In just a normal day you can end up in the hospital exactly like the child in the story.

The poor child did not expect a thing. Coming back from soccer practice him just thinking another normal day. And like every child would do, he complained of how much of a brutal day he had. He whined and wished he had an injury during the game so he can miss practice. His wish had come true.

While his mother was driving it was raining. I suspect that it had been pouring that for the roads were covered with damp leaves. As his mother made a sharp left-hand turn, the man on the other lane had the lost control of his car. The man's car slammed into the child and mother's side of the car. The child passed out.

The boy woke up the second time in the hospital, the first was in the ambulance. His father was at his side sleeping in a chair. The felt a sharp pain on his left side. He had suffered a spiral fracture on his left femur and three broken ribs on his left side. The boy was unable to do most things now, he couldn't even play soccer again until next season.

The boy probably regrets wishing to be injured so he wont practice. He was quite depressed for the while of being injured. Now he wont take things for granted. He will now appreciate things in life. And he will now know that anything could happen in just a normal day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay contains a limited central/controlling idea. (“There are alot of reasons why you should appreciate life. Anything can happen one normal day. You can be driving and someone crashes into you all of a sudden. You can be walking down a street and someone steals your wallet. In just a normal day you can end up in the hospital exactly like the child in the story.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the scenario and what the main character may have learned from the experience in the story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of character analysis renders the essay limited at best. (“The boy probably regrets wishing to be injured so he wont practice. He was quite depressed for the while of being injured. Now he wont take things for granted. He will now appreciate things in life. And he will now know that anything could happen in just a normal day.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The poor child did not expect a thing. Coming back from soccer practice him just thinking another normal day. And like every child would do, he complained of how much of a brutal day he had. He whined and wished he had an injury during the game so he can miss practice. His wish had come true. While his mother was driving it was raining. I suspect that it had been pouring that for the roads were covered with damp leaves. As his mother made a sharp left-hand turn, the man on the other lane had the lost control of his car. The man's car slammed into the child and mother's side of the car. The child passed out.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited details about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“The poor child did not expect a thing. Coming back from soccer practice him just thinking another normal day. And like every child would do, he complained of how much of a brutal day he had. He whined and wished he had an injury during the game so he can miss practice. His wish had come true.”)

The writer mentions the story’s primary and secondary characters but does not provide enough details to support an analysis of the traits of these characters or how their roles advance the story line. (“While his mother was driving it was raining. I suspect that it had been pouring that for the roads were covered with damp leaves. As his mother made a sharp left-hand turn, the man on the other lane had the lost control of his car. The man's car slammed into the child and mother's side of the car. The child passed out.”)

The essay primarily reveals a retelling of events rather than an analysis of characters or insights into the main idea of the story. (“The man's car slammed into the child and mother's side of the car. The child passed out. The boy woke up the second time in the hospital, the first was in the ambulance. His father was at his side sleeping in a chair. The felt a sharp pain on his left side. He had suffered a spiral fracture on his left femur and three broken ribs on his left side. The boy was unable to do most things now, he couldn't even play soccer again until next season.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ There are alot of reasons why you should appreciate life. Anything can happen one normal day. You can be driving and someone crashes into you all of a sudden. You can be walking down a street and someone steals your wallet. In just a normal day you can end up in the hospital exactly like the child in the story. ”)

There were a limited number of subtle t ransitional devices used to help connect ideas. (“ While his mother was driving it was raining. I suspect that it had been pouring that for the roads were covered with damp leaves. As his mother made a sharp left-hand turn, the man on the other lane had the lost control of his car. ”)

The conclusion offers a very limited summary but manages to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ The boy probably regrets wishing to be injured so he wont practice. He was quite depressed for the while of being injured. Now he wont take things for granted. He will now appreciate things in life. And he will now know that anything could happen in just a normal day. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“ Coming back from soccer practice him just thinking another normal day. And like every child would do, he complained of how much of a brutal day he had. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events for readers to relate to an analysis of characters or the main idea of the story. (“ His father was at his side sleeping in a chair. The felt a sharp pain on his left side. He had suffered a spiral fracture on his left femur and three broken ribs on his left side. The boy was unable to do most things now, he couldn't even play soccer again until next season. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ While his mother was driving it was raining. I suspect that it had been pouring that for the roads were covered with damp leaves. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A boy wishing to have an injury. In the story just a normal day a boy named chad wishes to have a broken leg or a injure to miss out on practice. The main idea is that chad is trying to miss out on practices so wont be blamed for loosing a game.

In this story a young boy has a brutal day at practice that day it was also rained so wished to a leg broken so that he would miss some days of practice and he only did this because the couch really ended pushing the kids to hard.

After that happen on there way home a car got out of control and made us run into a tree and they went to the hospital and ask where his mom was and the nurse said she was all right and that she came in another car.

Chad had wished for his leg to be broken and it really broke! then the doctor that he would be playing as soon as posibel and he was happy to that he would be able to walk again and play soccer.

Chad wishes to have a broken leg and it happensin a car aceident. has some thing like this ever happen to you wishes do come true

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the prompt task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state a central/controlling idea. He/she mentions the main idea in the introductory paragraph; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“A boy wishing to have an injury. In the story just a normal day a boy named chad wishes to have a broken leg or a injure to miss out on practice. The main idea is that chad is trying to miss out on practices so wont be blamed for loosing a game.”)

The essay does not reflect an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand an analysis of characters or his/her ideas for the main idea of the story. (“ In this story a young boy has a brutal day at practice that day it was also rained so wished to a leg broken so that he would miss some days of practice and he only did this because the couch really ended pushing the kids to hard. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support his/her character analysis or the main idea of the story. (“ Chad wishes to have a broken leg and it happensin a car aceident. has some thing like this ever happen to you wishes do come true”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay lacks adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to analyze characters and the main idea but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the story’s scenario and its implications. (“In this story a young boy has a brutal day at practice that day it was also rained so wished to a leg broken so that he would miss some days of practice and he only did this because the couch really ended pushing the kids to hard.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Chad had wished for his leg to be broken and it really broke! then the doctor that he would be playing as soon as posibel and he was happy to that he would be able to walk again and play soccer.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“After that happen on there way home a car got out of control and made us run into a tree and they went to the hospital and ask where his mom was and the nurse said she was all right and that she came in another car.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of effective paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ A boy wishing to have an injury. In the story just a normal day a boy named chad wishes to have a broken leg or a injure to miss out on practice. The main idea is that chad is trying to miss out on practices so wont be blamed for loosing a game. ”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect an attempt to effectively analyze the characters and main idea of the story. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“In this story a young boy has a brutal day at practice that day it was also rained so wished to a leg broken so that he would miss some days of practice and he only did this because the couch really ended pushing the kids to hard.”)

The essay’s conclusion lacks a summary of main ideas, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Chad wishes to have a broken leg and it happensin a car aceident. has some thing like this ever happen to you wishes do come true ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence structures are extremely weak; for example, there are run-on portions in the essay. (“ After that happen on there way home a car got out of control and made us run into a tree and they went to the hospital and ask where his mom was and the nurse said she was all right and that she came in another car.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ has some thing like this ever happen to you wishes do come true”)

There is repetition. (“ Chad had wished for his leg to be broken and it really broke! then the doctor that he would be playing as soon as posibel and he was happy to that he would be able to walk again and play soccer. Chad wishes to have a broken leg and it happensin a car aceident.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ In the story just a normal day a boy named chad wishes to have a broken leg or a injure to miss out on practice. The main idea is that chad is trying to miss out on practices so wont be blamed for loosing a game. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the begining of "Just a Normal Day" Chad is mad,unthankful,and unappreciative with his cach. For example Chad was mad with his coach who had made them run sprints,do drills,and they practiced in rain wich was harder. The story says that Chad said,"I wish i had sprained an ankle" so he wouldn't go to practice the next day. As a result Chad gets angry when he gets out of the practice and he realises he could run in the rain again.

At the turning point Chad is begining to be thankful for what happened to him and his mom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer neglects to support his/her assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is trying to convey from the text. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“The story says that Chad said,’I wish i had sprained an ankle’ so he wouldn't go to practice the next day. As a result Chad gets angry when he gets out of the practice and he realises he could run in the rain again.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“In the begining of ‘Just a Normal Day’ Chad is mad,unthankful,and unappreciative with his cach. For example Chad was mad with his coach who had made them run sprints,do drills,and they practiced in rain wich was harder.”)

Content & Development

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to analyze the characters and the main idea of the story but does not develop the response in any way. (“In the begining of ‘Just a Normal Day’ Chad is mad,unthankful,and unappreciative with his cach. For example Chad was mad with his coach who had made them run sprints,do drills,and they practiced in rain wich was harder.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“As a result Chad gets angry when he gets out of the practice and he realises he could run in the rain again.”)

Due to the brevity of the response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“At the turning point Chad is begining to be thankful for what happened to him and his mom.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer should offer a unified structure with a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she should employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In the begining of ‘Just a Normal Day’ Chad is mad,unthankful,and unappreciative with his cach.”)

There are some transitional devices used in the essay . (“ For example Chad was mad with his coach who had made them run sprints,do drills,and they practiced in rain wich was harder.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) helps the essay move from one main idea to the next. More transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ At the turning point Chad is begining to be thankful for what happened to him and his mom.”)

Language Use & Style

Simple word choices and choppy sentences contribute to a lack of voice and style in the essay. (“ At the turning point Chad is begining to be thankful for what happened to him and his mom.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The story says that Chad said,’I wish i had sprained an ankle’ so he wouldn't go to practice the next day. As a result Chad gets angry when he gets out of the practice and he realises he could run in the rain again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Legends, Folktales, Myths, and Fables

Legends, folktales, myths, and fables are stories that often originated as part of a storytelling tradition and are passed down from one generation to the next. These stories are used to teach an important lesson, share an insight about life that is held dear by a particular culture, or explain how the world works.

Think about a legend, folktale, myth, or fable you have read. What do you think is the message of the story? In a well-developed essay, summarize in your own words the details of the story you have read and discuss the lesson or insight that it conveys.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Iroquois's "The World on the Turtle's Back" is a creation myth explaning the formation of a balanced world. The Great Tree that is not to be marked or mutilated in the story closely resembles the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden, in which the fruits are forbidden to be eaten. It also resembles Greek Mythology in which there is a place high up in the heavens where the Gods live and a place underneath where the humans live. And just like in Adam and Eve, the man of the pregnant woman tries to get some of the roots of the tree even though it is wrong to do so and later the woman fell. Everyone in the Sky-Wold ingores her because she as done something that is forbidden. The events in the story happen in a cause-and-effect kind of manner.

The woman's transgression leads to the creation of the world. As she falls, she grabs some of the roots of the Great tree, but she is caught by the birds of the sea and placed on top of the turtle's back. All of the animals try their best to get the soil at the bottom of the ocean so that she can plant the roots, but all fail except for one. The muskrat is able to get the soil, but in return he almost loses his life doing so. Because of the animals' hard work, the earth is able to grow. The woman places the dirt in the middle of the turtle's back. She begins to walk in a circle around it in the direction of the sun and the earth keeps growing. And once it is large enough, she plants the roots and soon plants begin to grow on earth. She later gives birth to a daughter who becomes pregnant with twins. She gives birth to the twins, but she dies doing so. One of the twins comes out the normal way while the other comes out through his mother's armpit. Even though she dies, her death brings new lives to the world. From her "grave grew plants" which people still use today. From her "head grew corn, beans, and squash," and from her "heart grew the sacred tobacco," which people use in their ceremonies. The world is balanced since the twins she has given birth to are opposites. The right-handed twin is a straight-minded and upright man, while the other, the left-handed twin, is a crooked-minded and devious person.

The world created by the twins is "balanced and orderly." They use clay to form animals and give life to them. The right-handed one makes the "deer" and the left-handed one makes the "mountain lion," which kills the deer. Since the mountain lion kills the deer, there is always going to be more deers than mountain lions. When most of the deers have been killed and eaten, food will run out for the mountain lions. As a result, a lot of the mountain lions will die out, thus starting the chain all over again. Then the right-handed twin makes the "ground squirrel" because the mountain lion is unable to get to it. The left-handed twin then creates the "weasel," which is able to go into the holes and kill the ground squirrel. The "porcupine" is made so the weasel cannot kill it, and in response, the bear is made to kill the porcupine. So in the end, there are always more preys than predators, because the animals created by the right-handed twin are plant eaters and their numbers are kept down by the meat-eating animals created by the left-handed twin.

The two twins are foils of each other. The right-handed twin makes "berries" for his animals to live on, while the left-handed twin does the opposite by making "briars, poison ivy, poisonous plants, and the suicide root," which people use to kill themselves with. "Medicine" is created to help people while "witchcraft" is made to hurt them. And later the right-handed twin creates man. When they become adults, they compete against each other so that they can vanquish one another. Through these competitions, no one comes out a winner because everyone is equal. They try gambling and battling each other with clubs, but still nobody wins. On the last day of the duel, they battle each other with weapons. The left-handed twin chooses a stick and the other twin chooses a deer antler. The right-handed twin kills his brother with one blow, and then throws him off the edge of the earth.

Now, during daytime, the people are in the realm of the right-handed twin and during nighttime, they are in the realm of the left-handed twin. Rituals are performed during the day to honor the right-handed twin. During the night, people dance and sing for the left-handed twin. The right-handed twin also kills his grandmother, who favors the left-handed one. She turns into the moon so that she could watch over her favorite grandson during nightfall. The right-handed twin becomes known as "He Holds Up the Skies," Master of Life," and "Great Creator." And the left-handed twin becomes known as the "devious one," "the one covered with boils," and "Old Warty." The right-handed twin lives in the Sky-World and watches over the creatures that he has created, while the left-handed twin lives in the world below and loves the sounds of torture and warfare. These two twins keep the balance in the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“The Iroquois's "The World on the Turtle's Back" is a creation myth explaning the formation of a balanced world. The Great Tree that is not to be marked or mutilated in the story closely resembles the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden, in which the fruits are forbidden to be eaten. ”) The author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the myth and how it is relevant to the world today. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the myth and its relevance is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text, and he/she fully explains and interprets the text using high-level connections. The author clearly explains this myth in detail and how it represents the making of a balanced world. (“The world created by the twins is "balanced and orderly." They use clay to form animals and give life to them. The right-handed one makes the "deer" and the left-handed one makes the "mountain lion," which kills the deer. Since the mountain lion kills the deer, there is always going to be more deers than mountain lions. When most of the deers have been killed and eaten, food will run out for the mountain lions. As a result, a lot of the mountain lions will die out, thus starting the chain all over again.”) The student goes beyond superficial interpretation and writes an in-depth analysis using textual support. (“ The two twins are foils of each other. The right-handed twin makes "berries" for his animals to live on, while the left-handed twin does the opposite by making "briars, poison ivy, poisonous plants, and the suicide root," which people use to kill themselves with. "Medicine" is created to help people while "witchcraft" is made to hurt them.”)

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed, and it immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“The Iroquois's "The World on the Turtle's Back" is a creation myth explaning the formation of a balanced world. ”) and proceeds to develop a well-structured and focused thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a strong, intriguing topic sentence. (“ The world created by the twins is "balanced and orderly." ”) The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s main ideas by reiterating how this myth affects the daily existence of the Iroquois. (“ The right-handed twin becomes known as "He Holds Up the Skies," Master of Life," and "Great Creator." And the left-handed twin becomes known as the "devious one," "the one covered with boils," and "Old Warty." The right-handed twin lives in the Sky-World and watches over the creatures that he has created, while the left-handed twin lives in the world below and loves the sounds of torture and warfare. These two twins keep the balance in the world. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed of very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“When they become adults, they compete against each other so that they can vanquish one another. Through these competitions, no one comes out a winner because everyone is equal. They try gambling and battling each other with clubs, but still nobody wins. On the last day of the duel, they battle each other with weapons. ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ The "porcupine" is made so the weasel cannot kill it, and in response, the bear is made to kill the porcupine. So in the end, there are always more preys than predators, because the animals created by the right-handed twin are plant eaters and their numbers are kept down by the meat-eating animals created by the left-handed twin.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose by using such effective language.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. Few errors in mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“ explaning”) are evident in this well-written piece, but they do not detract from the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you remember when you and your mother would sit in a rocky chair,or you would be in your bed and your mother would read you stories about legends stories handed down from the past that is one hundred sell based on a historical event, Folk tales are stories that are entertainment popular stories that is remembered and shared generation after generation,fables are teaching stories with a practical moral,often with animals characters,or myth are very old stories about gods and super heroes that often explains the workings of the world.Well my mom used to read me stories.My favorite story was A fable, that story was called Little Red Ridden- Hood.I loved that story that my mom had to read me Little Red Ridden -Hood every night, and if she did not read me Little Red Ridden-Hood I would start crying all night.

The event that happened in the begging of the story was that: Once upon a time there was a little village girl,the prettiest ever seen; her mother doted upon her,and so did her grandmother.She,a good woman,made for her a little red hood which suited her so well, that everyone called her Little Red Ridden-Hood.One day her mother,who had just made some cakes,said to Little Red Ridden-Hood: My dear could you go and see how your grandmother is,because I Heard that your grandmother was ill.Take her this cake and this little pot of butter, Go quickly, and do not talk to strangers on the way to your grandma's cottage. Little Red Ridden- Hood started walking through the woods usually Little Red Ridden- Hood picked up flowers through the way so she did. While Little Red Ridden Hood was picking flowers a wolf was approaching to Little Red Ridden Hood.

Then the wolf started talking to Little Red Ridden Hood,so she started talking to the wolf even though her mother said not to talk to strangers. After that the wolf said''where are you going'' Little Red Ridden Hood said''I'm going to my grandma's house on that village'' Well what a coincident I'm going over your grandma's cottage too'' replied the mean wolf. I have an idea said the wolf lets race to the village and who ever gets to your grandma house first wins '' You go that way and I'll go this way'' said the wolf.The mean wolf took the short cut and Little Red Ridden Hood took the log way,so the wolf cold get there first and pretend he's grandma. Why is the wolf going to pretend being Little Red Ridden Hood grandma? Do you know, well were about to find out.

The event that happened in the middle of the story was that: After Little Red Ridden Hood and the wolf started racing but,the wolf won the race because he cheated.When the mean wild wolf got there he knocked the door.''Who is it'' said grandma.''It's Little Red Ridden Hood'' trying to sound like Little Red Ridden Hood the wolf said.''Come on in'' replied grandma.When grandma saw the mean wild wolf she got she got scared and tried to ranned away but,she couldn't becuase the wolf had eaten grandma already.Few minutes later Little Red Ridden Hood knocked on the door.'Who is it'' said the wolf.It's your grandaughtersaid Little Red Ridden Hood.''come in''replied the wolf.Grandma why are your arms so big.All the better to hug you,grandma why are your ears so huge.So I could hear you better,grandma why are your eyes so big.So I could se you better,and grandma why are your teeth so huge,so I could gobble you better. What do you think will happened next?

The final event that happened in the end of the story was that:When the wolf said that he had big teeth so he gobble Little Red Ridden Hood she got scared.Then Little Red Ridden-Hood sreamed for help.When then she heard somebody shot a gun.It was a man that worked around their.After the man killed the mean bad wild wolf he opened the wolf stomach with a knife so he could save Little Red Ridden-Hood grandma's.Next,Little Red Ridden-Hood thank the man for saving them from the wolf.After that Little Red Ridden-Hood made comtorable grandma in her bed,instanly next,grandma wanted atea so she made her one with a cake and some butter.When she finish giving her gradma the tea and the cake with the butter she left running to her mom.Later on she arrived home tired because she ranned all the way home.After she calmed down Little Red Ridden-Hood told her mom all the things that happened,and promised to always listen to her mother. Because if Little Red Ridden-Hood would of listen to her mother nothing of this would of happened.

What I want to say in my conclusion is that: what I learned about this story is that to never ever talked to some one you don't know most of all if you're not with your parents.If you ever see someone getting close to you run away as fast as you can,but don't you ever stand rigth there and start talking with someone that you don't know.that is what I learned about this story called Little Red Ridden-Hood.Oh by the way do you know the questions that I wrote at the end of the paragraph. I enjoyed reading this story alot of times,that I just can't have enough of this story. Well, this is all what I want to say. Goodbye.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“Folk tales are stories that are entertainment popular stories that is remembered and shared generation after generation,fables are teaching stories with a practical moral,often with animals characters,or myth are very old stories about gods and super heroes that often explains the workings of the world.Well my mom used to read me stories.My favorite story was A fable, that story was called Little Red Ridden- Hood.”) and completes a thorough analysis of this folktale. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text, the task, and his/her own life.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author develops a thorough retelling of the folktale. (“The event that happened in the begging of the story was that: Once upon a time there was a little village girl,the prettiest ever seen; her mother doted upon her,and so did her grandmother.She,a good woman,made for her a little red hood which suited her so well, that everyone called her Little Red Ridden-Hood.One day her mother,who had just made some cakes,said to Little Red Ridden-Hood: My dear could you go and see how your grandmother is,because I Heard that your grandmother was ill.Take her this cake and this little pot of butter, Go quickly, and do not talk to strangers on the way to your grandma's cottage.”) The author uses quotes from the text to allow the reader to fully understand the story. (“''Who is it'' said grandma.''It's Little Red Ridden Hood'' trying to sound like Little Red Ridden Hood the wolf said.''Come on in'' replied grandma.When grandma saw the mean wild wolf she got she got scared and tried to ranned away but,she couldn't becuase the wolf had eaten grandma already.Few minutes later Little Red Ridden Hood knocked on the door.'Who is it'' said the wolf.It's your grandaughtersaid Little Red Ridden Hood.''come in''replied the wolf.Grandma why are your arms so big?”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ The final event that happened in the end of the story was that:When the wolf said that he had big teeth so he gobble Little Red Ridden Hood she got scared. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection between the text and life. (“ What I want to say in my conclusion is that: what I learned about this story is that to never ever talked to some one you don't know most of all if you're not with your parents.If you ever see someone getting close to you run away as fast as you can,but don't you ever stand rigth there and start talking with someone that you don't know.that is what I learned about this story called Little Red Ridden-Hood.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice as well as some evidence of voice. (“Well my mom used to read me stories.My favorite story was A fable, that story was called Little Red Ridden- Hood.I loved that story that my mom had to read me Little Red Ridden -Hood every night, and if she did not read me Little Red Ridden-Hood I would start crying all night.”) The sentences structure tends to either be short and choppy or run-ons. (“ When then she heard somebody shot a gun.It was a man that worked around their.After the man killed the mean bad wild wolf he opened the wolf stomach with a knife so he could save Little Red Ridden-Hood grandma's.Next,Little Red Ridden-Hood thank the man for saving them from the wolf. ”) This author would benefit from combining short sentences to make complex ones, in order to vary sentence structure.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“comtorable ”), grammar (“ entertainment popular stories that is remembered”) , and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the Iroquois tell how they believed the world was created. The Iroquois story is similar to other stories from different cultures. Some parts of the story from the Iroquois is similar to the beginning and end of the story "Adam and Eve." Another part of the story is like the Greek myths of the Gods and how they create and take care of everything.

The Iroquois "The World on a Turtles Back" is similar to a story from the Bible. They myth is similar to the story of "Adam and Eve." They are similar because they both have a story about disobedience. In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the pregnant wife was craving certain things. Then one day the pregnant wife wanted some of the roots from the sacred tree. This is similar to the Adam and Eve because Eve also got an apple from the forbidden tree. Also in the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the wife falls and can never return to the Sky World. In the story of "Adam and Eve," since Eve got the apple and gave it to Adam to eat. They eat the apple and then are banished from the Garden of Eden" and forbidden to return to to Eden .

The next part that is similar to another myth is the crops and how they say thanks to their Gods. In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" crops grow from the mother's dead body. This is similar to the Greek myths because the mom is somewhat of a God and in Greek myths Athena the goddess of agriculture. In both cultures they say thanks to their Gods for what they Gods have given them. The Iroquois said thanks during ceremonies by smoking their tobacco and the smoke that floats upward is they thanks. They Greeks would sacrifice animals and fruits and build temples to honors and give thanks to the Gods.

They end of the story "The World on a Turtles Back" is also similar to the end of the Adam and Eve story. Both the stories explain that everyone, including Gods get jealous. The stories are similar because they two brothers fight. In both stories the two brother are also opposite, on is good one is bad. In "The World on a turtles Back" the two brothers fight because one of the brothers is jealous that the grandmother likes his brother. In the Story of "Adam and Eve" one brother makes a better offering to God so God is pleased more with him but his brother gets jealous. In the end of both stories one of the brothers is killed.

So the story "The World on a Turtles Back" is similar to Greek myths and Bible stories. The story when the wife wants something she is not supposed to. They story in the story "Adam and Eve," Eve eats the apple from the forbidden tree and she also is not supposed to. Also the Iroquois and Greeks pay tribute and honor there gods while having ceremonies. And at the end of "Adam and Eve" one of the sons kills the other son because he is jealous of his brother. In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the good brother gets jealous that the grandmother likes his brother more so he gets jealous. The two brothers fight but in the end the good brother kills the bad brother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt and demonstrates an understanding of the task. (“ In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the Iroquois tell how they believed the world was created. The Iroquois story is similar to other stories from different cultures. Some parts of the story from the Iroquois is similar to the beginning and end of the story "Adam and Eve." Another part of the story is like the Greek myths of the Gods and how they create and take care of everything.”) This response offers a thorough analysis but fails to make any connections between the text and the author’s life.

Content & Development

The author supports his/her controlling idea and includes some specific and accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes the thesis and the background behind the myth. The body paragraphs demonstrate the author’s understanding of the text by using detailed explanations of each related story. (“The Iroquois "The World on a Turtles Back" is similar to a story from the Bible. They myth is similar to the story of "Adam and Eve." They are similar because they both have a story about disobedience. In the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the pregnant wife was craving certain things. Then one day the pregnant wife wanted some of the roots from the sacred tree. This is similar to the Adam and Eve because Eve also got an apple from the forbidden tree. Also in the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the wife falls and can never return to the Sky World. In the story of "Adam and Eve," since Eve got the apple and gave it to Adam to eat. They eat the apple and then are banished from the Garden of Eden" and forbidden to return to to Eden .”)

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph lacks a method to engage the reader, but does develop the necessary background information for the essay. Each body paragraph is adequately structured and supported with many supporting details and explanations. The concluding paragraph, however, should further elaborate the author’s connection with the text, but it fails to do so.

Language Use & Style

The author shows an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is adequate and appropriate (“This is similar to the Adam and Eve because Eve also got an apple from the forbidden tree. Also in the story "The World on a Turtles Back" the wife falls and can never return to the Sky World. In the story of "Adam and Eve," since Eve got the apple and gave it to Adam to eat. They eat the apple and then are banished from the Garden of Eden" and forbidden to return to to Eden . ”). Most sentences use correct structure, but they are short, repetitive, and lack variety. (“ The stories are similar because they two brothers fight. In both stories the two brother are also opposite, on is good one is bad. In "The World on a turtles Back" the two brothers fight because one of the brothers is jealous that the grandmother likes his brother.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling, and grammar (“ They story in the story ‘Adam and Eve,’ ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard the saying "looks can be deceiving"? I have listened to a fable that has a lesson to it. That sayings the lesson to the fable,there once was a wolf strolling down the road. While he was walking he saw a sheep's clothing that had been thrown away. He suddenly got an idea. He wore the sheep's clothing and went to the field. It had sheep every where. So the wolf hid in with the sheep. The shepherd saw the sheep who was the wolf in the sheep's clothing, and thought it was a real sheep. So the shepherd reaches down to check on it, and the wolf grabbed the shepherd. The shepherd killed the wolf.

The lesson of this story, is that looks can, be deceiving to others and you. The points of the story are, think before you do something. Just because something looks alike never trust it. Sometimes always check something out but never judge it by the way it looks.

to conclude my essay, the wolf tried to do something without thinking it through. I can make a connection with this fable. See people think that I am stupid and don't know anything but I know more than them. They also think that I am a soft person inside but I not.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“Have you ever heard the saying "looks can be deceiving"? I have listened to a fable that has a lesson to it. That sayings the lesson to the fable,there once was a wolf strolling down the road. ”), but it is not fully developed. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the fable. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ The lesson of this story, is that looks can, be deceiving to others and you. The points of the story are, think before you do something. Just because something looks alike never trust it. Sometimes always check something out but never judge it by the way it looks. ”), but he/she lacks adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide a basic analysis of the text, it is not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the introductory paragraph the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“While he was walking he saw a sheep's clothing that had been thrown away. He suddenly got an idea. ”) In the conclusion, the author tries to make a connection to the text, but it comes across to the reader as off-topic. (“ See people think that I am stupid and don't know anything but I know more than them. They also think that I am a soft person inside but I not.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it also acts as the first body paragraph. The one body paragraph is short and underdeveloped. This essay contains a conclusion, but it too is short and unfocused.

Language Use & Style

Although the use of language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“The lesson of this story, is that looks can, be deceiving to others and you.”) The sentence structure is adequate for the task, although sentences are repetitious. (“It had sheep every where. So the wolf hid in with the sheep. The shepherd saw the sheep who was the wolf in the sheep's clothing, and thought it was a real sheep. ”) Overall, language use and style are limited and insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling , grammar (“ The points of the story are, think before you do something.”) , and punctuation (“ The lesson of this story, is”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever heard about the lion and the mouse. Well it is a old fable by Craig Diminico. One day mouse runs upand down on lions back and when lion wakes up he almost eats mouse but mouse says"I will help you someday". So then lion lets him go. The lion gets stuck into the rope and tide to a tree.Thern mouse bite the rope and let lion go. After that mouse and lion were best friends forever.

This lesson is based on little friend may prove great things. people who wants to be grat friens can do great things some friend can not but mouse did that isa what the lesson was based on.

No, I dont have a connection every friend I have the second meet them their my best bud thats why!!!!!!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“Have you ever heard about the lion and the mouse. Well it is a old fable by Craig Diminico. ”), but it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to be detailed as well as make any meaningful connections between the text and the author’s life. This shows that the writer has a poor understanding of both the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author briefly relays the story, but in order for the reader to fully understand it, the author needs to go into much more detail. (“One day mouse runs upand down on lions back and when lion wakes up he almost eats mouse but mouse says"I will help you someday". So then lion lets him go. The lion gets stuck into the rope and tide to a tree.Thern mouse bite the rope and let lion go. After that mouse and lion were best friends forever.”) There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

In this short response, there is little evidence of unified organization. The introduction (“ Have you ever heard about the lion and the mouse. Well it is a old fable by Craig Diminico. One day mouse runs upand down on lions back and when lion wakes up he almost eats mouse but mouse says"I will help you someday". So then lion lets him go. The lion gets stuck into the rope and tide to a tree.Thern mouse bite the rope and let lion go. After that mouse and lion were best friends forever. ”) and simple body paragraph lack focus; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses simple language to address his/her audience. (“This lesson is based on little friend may prove great things.”) Overall, the language used in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate. (“ So then lion lets him go. The lion gets stuck into the rope and tide to a tree.Thern mouse bite the rope and let lion go. After that mouse and lion were best friends forever.")

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Errors in spelling (“grat friens”) , grammar (“ Thern mouse bite the rope and let lion go. After that mouse and lion were best friends forever.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Rip Van Winkle Rip is a legend is. A lengend is a mythical story pass down from greek and roman story. In Rip Van Winkle Rip run away because his wife was yelling at Rip run on up on a steep M.T and he meats a guy at at the middle of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this three-sentence response, the author briefly establishes a controlling idea but fails to elaborate on it. (“In the story Rip Van Winkle Rip is a legend is. A lengend is a mythical story pass down from greek and roman story.”) The author has no understanding of the purpose or the audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author attempts to state a thesis and support it, but he/she fails to use any relevant details from the text. (“In Rip Van Winkle Rip run away because his wife was yelling at Rip run on up on a steep M.T and he meats a guy at at the middle of it.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction (“In the story Rip Van Winkle Rip is a legend is. A lengend is a mythical story pass down from greek and roman story. In Rip Van Winkle Rip run away because his wife was yelling at Rip run on up on a steep M.T and he meats a guy at at the middle of it”), but it lacks body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“In the story Rip Van Winkle Rip is a legend is. A lengend is a mythical story pass down from greek and roman story.”) It does, however, show no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows the student has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. There are major errors in spelling (“lengend”), grammar (“In Rip Van Winkle Rip run away because his wife was yelling at Rip run on up on a steep M.T and he meats a guy at at the middle of it.”), and punctuation.

Life Lessons in Charlotte Doyle

Charlotte Doyle learns many important "life lessons" from her experiences on the Seahawk. Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you discuss some of the important lessons she has learned. How do you think these lessons may affect her future? Be sure to support your discussion with specific examples from the book.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"What could I do? All my life I had been trained to obey, educated to accept. I could hardly change in a moment. Within the adventure novel, "The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle" the main character and first person narrator, Charlotte Doyle, learns to reject the dictates of her former life.

Charlotte encountered some hardships and isolation early on her voyage, allowing her to learn was that she should be friendly to all. One day, Zachariah invited Charlotte to tea earlier in the voyage. Zachariah thought that Charlotte and him could become friends and said, '"I can assure you... Zachariah can be a fine friend..."'(27) Charlotte's response was, '"I don't need a friend."'(27) Charlotte judges people based on their social status rather than the quality of their character. Zachariah is male African, poor and a laborer. In contrast, Charlotte is a female, white, wealthy and does not need to work. Zachariah tries to show her that they are more similar than different: "Miss Doyle is so young! I am so old! Surely there is something similar in that. And you, the sole girl, and I, the only black, are special on this ship. In short, we begin with two things in common, enough to begin a friendship." Rather than seeing the commonalities between the two of them as Zachariah does, she calls Zachariah’s offer of friendship "presumptuous" rather than kind. Charlotte begins to understand that one should make judgments on actions rather than appearances once her rose-colored lens of presuppositions about the well-dressed authority on the ship, Captain Jaggery, are shattered by his unbending cruelty to those on the Seahawk, his willful murder of the kind-hearted Zachariah, and his decision to make Charlotte an outcast on the ship when she rebels against ridiculous demands.

After being sent to live with the crew by Captain Jaggery, Charlotte realized that home was where the heart is. Charlotte's father, Mr. Doyle, is a man of rules and order who thinks punctuation and spelling are very important things for his daughter to learn; he gives her the blank book that serves as her journal. Mr. Doyle sends Charlotte across the ocean alone, and without proper chaperone to ensure her safety. In contrast to Mr. Doyle’s cold-heartedness, and focus on order and education, the Seahawk’s crew attempt to make Charlotte feel like she is part of the ship’s family. "'The men caucused... and with a sacred writing... [swore] to give [her] the utmost privacy they could provide. They would be [her] brothers'" (129). By providing her with privacy and protection, the men act as a surrogate family unit for Charlotte. In turn, she learns to trust the crew and treat them like family. In the end, Charlotte realizes that home is where the heart is, and decides to return to a life at sea, rejecting the wealth and comforts of a life in a Rhode Island mansion.

Charlotte undergoes an internal transformation once she starts to understand her true self. Before Charlotte begins her story she says: "' at this time [her] name was Charlotte Doyle. And though [she] kept the name, [she] [is] not for reasons you will soon discover "Charlotte Doyle is not the same" '" (1). Charlotte notices some changes in her attitude and personality in general, before and after her adventures on the Seahawk. Before she boarded the ship, Charlotte ponders, "How shall I describe the person I once was? At the age of thirteen I was very much a girl, having not yet begun to take the shape, much less the heart, of a woman. Still, my family dressed me as a young woman, bonnet covering my beautiful hair, full skirts, high button shoes, you may be sure, white gloves. I certainly wanted to be a lady. It was not just my ambition; it was my destiny. I embraced it wholly, gladly, with not an untoward thought of anything else." Ms. Doyle exemplified the caricature of Victorian womanhood. However, looks are superficial. After her experiences on the Seahawk working with the crew, Charlotte enjoys the laboring which she once showed derision for. She learns to take comfort in the camaraderie of the crew, and also learns to embrace the freedoms of a manual worker’s life and reject the expectation of her station and gender. In turn, she makes physical changes to her appearance that matched the internal changes inside. She cuts her hair, wears sailor’s clothes and gleefully monitors the growing calluses on her hands. Captain Jaggery orders, "Mr. Hollybrass, remove Miss Doyle's belongings from her cabin. Let her take her place in the forecastle with the crew. Put her down as Mister Doyle and list Miss Doyle in the log as lost. From this point on I expect to see that he works with the rest." Charlotte’s transformation is complete when she becomes "Mr. Doyle" rather than "Miss Doyle." Though Charlotte changed in both physical and mental ways, she realizes it was her destiny to be a member of the crew and to sail around the country.

Obeying the archaic rules of her family and social class and accepting the mandates of an abusive authority are thrown out of the Seahawk’s port window as Charlotte becomes her own person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer clearly communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she clearly describes some of the novel’s themes, such as that freedom can be found in acceptance of the self, with clear and very descriptive details. (“Ms. Doyle exemplified the caricature of Victorian womanhood. However, looks are superficial. After her experiences on the Seahawk working with the crew, Charlotte enjoys the laboring which she once showed derision for. She learns to take comfort in the camaraderie of the crew, and also learns to embrace the freedoms of a manual worker’s life and reject the expectation of her station and gender.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“After being sent to live with the crew by Captain Jaggery, Charlotte realized that home was where the heart is… ‘The men caucused... and with a sacred writing... [swore] to give [her] the utmost privacy they could provide. They would be [her] brothers’ (129). By providing her with privacy and protection, the men act as a surrogate family unit for Charlotte. In turn, she learns to trust the crew and treat them like family.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Within the adventure novel, ‘The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle’ the main character and first person narrator, Charlotte Doyle, learns to reject the dictates of her former life. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story. (“Zachariah tries to show her that they are more similar than different: ‘Miss Doyle is so young! I am so old! Surely there is something similar in that. And you, the sole girl, and I, the only black, are special on this ship. In short, we begin with two things in common, enough to begin a friendship.’ Rather than seeing the commonalities between the two of them as Zachariah does, she calls Zachariah’s offer of friendship ‘presumptuous’ rather than kind. Charlotte begins to understand that one should make judgments on actions rather than appearances once her rose-colored lens of presuppositions about the well-dressed authority on the ship, Captain Jaggery, are shattered by his unbending cruelty to those on the Seahawk, his willful murder of the kind-hearted Zachariah, and his decision to make Charlotte an outcast on the ship when she rebels against ridiculous demands.”)

The essay contains important details that include direct quotes from the text. (“Charlotte ponders, ‘How shall I describe the person I once was? At the age of thirteen I was very much a girl, having not yet begun to take the shape, much less the heart, of a woman. Still, my family dressed me as a young woman, bonnet covering my beautiful hair, full skirts, high button shoes, you may be sure, white gloves. I certainly wanted to be a lady. It was not just my ambition; it was my destiny. I embraced it wholly, gladly, with not an untoward thought of anything else.’”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“Charlotte undergoes an internal transformation once she starts to understand her true self….Ms. Doyle exemplified the caricature of Victorian womanhood. However, looks are superficial. After her experiences on the Seahawk working with the crew, Charlotte enjoys the laboring which she once showed derision for. She learns to take comfort in the camaraderie of the crew, and also learns to embrace the freedoms of a manual worker’s life and reject the expectation of her station and gender. In turn, she makes physical changes to her appearance that matched the internal changes inside.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by using a direct quote from the main character and narrator, Charlotte Doyle. (“‘What could I do? All my life I had been trained to obey, educated to accept. I could hardly change in a moment. ”) The writer cleverly utilizes this quote to contrast and amplify the information found within the body of the essay.

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“In contrast to Mr. Doyle’s cold-heartedness, and focus on order and education, the Seahawk’s crew attempt to make Charlotte feel like she is part of the ship’s family. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Obeying the archaic rules of her family and social class and accepting the mandates of an abusive authority are thrown out of the Seahawk’s port window as Charlotte becomes her own person. ”) The writer deftly summarizes his/her response in a brief, yet succinct, statement.

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle . (“ Ms. Doyle exemplified the caricature of Victorian womanhood. However, looks are superficial. After her experiences on the Seahawk working with the crew, Charlotte enjoys the laboring which she once showed derision for. She learns to take comfort in the camaraderie of the crew, and also learns to embrace the freedoms of a manual worker’s life and reject the expectation of her station and gender…. Charlotte’s transformation is complete when she becomes ‘Mr. Doyle’ rather than ‘Miss Doyle.’”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Charlotte Doyle’s prejudices for the readers so that by the end of the paragraph, the readers understand Charlotte’s classist perspective. (“Charlotte judges people based on their social status rather than the quality of their character. Zachariah is male African, poor and a laborer. In contrast, Charlotte is a female, white, wealthy and does not need to work. Zachariah tries to show her that they are more similar than different… Rather than seeing the commonalities between the two of them as Zachariah does, she calls Zachariah’s offer of friendship ‘presumptuous’ rather than kind. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Obeying the archaic rules of her family and social class and accepting the mandates of an abusive authority are thrown out of the Seahawk’s port window as Charlotte becomes her own person.”) In addition to concisely summing up his/her response, the writer cleverly utilizes sea-faring terminology, such as “port window,” to express Charlotte Doyle’s drastic internal and external change from the beginning to the end of her voyage.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Charlotte Doyle’s attitude toward the ship, the captain, and the crew is influenced by her restrictive and close-minded upbringing. The young English lady’s background as a nineteenth century upper class, wealthy female has influenced her values and her attitudes toward others; making each lesson she learns aboard the Seahawk difficult but fruitful.

Charlotte has learned to judge by appearances rather than actions, making her difficult to like. One sees Charlotte’s negative behavior in the first section of the novel when she meets the ship’s elderly African cook, Zachariah. He is often the target of cruel jokes made by the white crew members. This kind of prejudice, or discrimination, is reflected in Charlotte’s own actions when she refuses accept his offer of friendship. "Never had I met with such impertinence! I would not, could not believe it!" In her young but narrow-minded eyes, it is an impossibility to befriend a lower-class man of another race. However, these values change once Charlotte realizes that Zachariah’s kindnesses are an act of a superior man in comparison to the upper-class Captain Jaggery’s numerous cruelties to those aboard the ship.

Ship’s politics and Charlotte’s unrealized prejudices force Charlotte to act before she speaks. Charlotte informs Captain Jaggery of a proposed mutiny which results in the brutal death of Zachariah at Jaggery’s hands. She starts to guilt-fully explain to another crew member Mr. Fisk, "I had no idea . . . ," but he angrily dismisses her excuse. Charlotte understands that because of her rash actions, she is responsible for the fatality of Zachariah. If Charlotte had believed Zachariah’s warnings, and paid attention to the captain’s malice toward the crew rather than their social status, she would have prevented the horrendous event of Zachariah’s death. It is because of this extreme case that Charlotte learns to think before she acts.

In the final chapter, the farce of Charlotte’s life can be found with her cold-hearted family. Donning boys' clothing, Charlotte learns to climb the rigging and handle a knife; she bends her gender and shapes her true identity. Thus, Charlotte finds a freedom on the ship that is in stark contrast to her preconceived life at home. In fact, she has outgrown the clothing of the upper class Victorian household and its expectations. This change in Charlotte is symbolized when she removes her sailor clothing and puts on her old dress. Charlotte observes, "I felt so much pinched and confined I found it difficult to breathe." This detail reveals her negative attitude about returning to her family. We learn from this detail that the "pinch" Charlotte feels from her clothing is really the "pinch" that comes from living such a restrictive life as an upper class female. Therefore her choice to cast off the clothing of her former life and embrace her role as a buccaneer is the choice to be her own person.

The historical fiction novel, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle reveals that judgment, action and expectations must be tempered by experience.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on Charlotte’s changing attitudes and prejudices aboard The Seahawk . The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“Charlotte has learned to judge by appearances rather than actions, making her difficult to like. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that support the thesis. (“Charlotte informs Captain Jaggery of a proposed mutiny which results in the brutal death of Zachariah at Jaggery’s hands. She starts to guilt-fully explain to another crew member Mr. Fisk, ‘I had no idea . . . ,’ but he angrily dismisses her excuse. Charlotte understands that because of her rash actions, she is responsible for the fatality of Zachariah. It is because of this extreme case that Charlotte learns to think before she acts. ”)

The essay focuses on the controlling idea by using details about how Charlotte’s narrow-minded view becomes broadened as she learns life lessons aboard the ship, The Seahawk . (“In her young but narrow-minded eyes, it is an impossibility to befriend a lower-class man of another race. However, these values change once Charlotte realizes that Zachariah’s kindnesses are an act of a superior man in comparison to the upper-class Captain Jaggery’s numerous cruelties to those aboard the ship. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed, with a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the various themes found within the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Thus, Charlotte finds a freedom on the ship that is in stark contrast to her preconceived life at home. In fact, she has outgrown the clothing of the upper class Victorian household and its expectations.”)

The essay includes specific details and direct quotes by the main characters with clear references to the story. (“ This change in Charlotte is symbolized when she removes her sailor clothing and puts on her old dress. Charlotte observes, ‘I felt so much pinched and confined I found it difficult to breathe.’ This detail reveals her negative attitude about returning to her family. We learn from this detail that the ‘pinch’ Charlotte feels from her clothing is really the ‘pinch’ that comes from living such a restrictive life as an upper class female. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Charlotte has learned to judge by appearances rather than actions, making her difficult to like. One sees Charlotte’s negative behavior in the first section of the novel when she meets the ship’s elderly African cook, Zachariah. He is often the target of cruel jokes made by the white crew members. This kind of prejudice, or discrimination, is reflected in Charlotte’s own actions when she refuses accept his offer of friendship. ‘Never had I met with such impertinence! I would not, could not believe it!’ In her young but narrow-minded eyes, it is an impossibility to befriend a lower-class man of another race.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“Charlotte Doyle’s attitude toward the ship, the captain, and the crew is influenced by her restrictive and close-minded upbringing. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“…she bends her gender and shapes her true identity. Thus, Charlotte finds a freedom on the ship that is in stark contrast to her preconceived life at home. In fact, she has outgrown the clothing of the upper class… ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The historical fiction novel, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle reveals that judgment, action and expectations must be tempered by experience. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“One sees Charlotte’s negative behavior in the first section of the novel when she meets the ship’s elderly African cook, Zachariah. He is often the target of cruel jokes made by the white crew members. This kind of prejudice, or discrimination, is reflected in Charlotte’s own actions when she refuses accept his offer of friendship.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response, which is both sophisticated and objective. (“If Charlotte had believed Zachariah’s warnings, and paid attention to the captain’s malice toward the crew rather than their social status, she would have prevented the horrendous event of Zachariah’s death. It is because of this extreme case that Charlotte learns to think before she acts.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“In the final chapter, the farce of Charlotte’s life can be found with her cold-hearted family. Donning boys' clothing, Charlotte learns to climb the rigging and handle a knife; she bends her gender and shapes her true identity. Thus, Charlotte finds a freedom on the ship that is in stark contrast to her preconceived life at home. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ The young English lady’s background as a nineteenth century upper class, wealthy female has influenced her values and her attitudes toward others; making each lesson she learns aboard the Seahawk difficult but fruitful. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, by Avi, the main character, Charlotte Doyle, is a 13 year-old girl, who comes from a very wealthy family from 1832. Charlotte lives in Liverpool, England, but she has to go on a ship, called The Seahawk, to go to Province, in America. The crew of the Seahawk is made-up only of men, and Charlotte has to go by herself, because her companions failed to show up. But her problems are only starting: she is accused of murder, brought to trial and found guilty. Now Charlotte has to prove she is innocent, by conquering the trust of both: captain and crew of the Seahawk, but it is impossible to keep it, so she ends up the enemy of captain Jaggery. Throughout the story, Charlotte leaves her past behind, and changes radically.

Charlotte Doyle was a very polite young lady. In the beginning of the story, Charlotte is a polite young woman, very well dressed and behaved. She wore a bonnet covering her beautiful long hair, full length skirts, high button shoes, and white gloves. With the skin as white as snow, and a very long hair that, brushed 100 times before going to sleep, and extremely soft hands, showed where she came from, and how she was most likely to behave, because of the way she was educated. "How shall I describe the person I once was? At the age of thirteen I was very much a girl, having not yet begun to take shape, much less the heart of a woman. Still, my family dressed me as a young woman (...)" (p. 1). Toward the end of the book, she is more like a tom-boy, wearing sailor’s clothes and walking around the ship barefoot. She learns that she enjoys being a boy, and that being a girl was too restrictive.

The way that Charlotte changes from the beginning to the end of the story is dramatic. By the end of the story, her skin turns very tan, because of the sun. Dangerous situations brought her to cut her hair off. Her extremely soft hands, turned extremely rough and dry, because of working on the ship. The way she dresses changes completely: now she is wearing sailor's clothes, with no shoes on, no bonnet, or any kind of hat on her head, and as you might have guessed, no white gloves. And surprisingly, except for the hair, it was all her choice. She learns to love these changes and embrace them.

But her appearance isn't the only thing that changes. Charlotte changes her mind. In the beginning of the book, she isn't brave enough to refuse to go on the Seahawk by herself. By the end of the book, she is brave enough to face several dangerous situations, such as hurricanes and thunderstorms, to climb a mast, in the middle of a hurricane, and join the crew of a ship, considering that the year is 1832, she is a 13 year-old girl and the crew is made up only of men. In part one, Charlotte is very classist. She knows that she is not supposed to talk to the crew, much less be friends with them. In part two, she joins the crew, and becomes friends with everyone.

Charlotte leaves behind all of where she came from, and became a new, but better, Charlotte Doyle. She learns a valuable lessons about friendship, that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle is one you do not want to miss!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of Charlotte’s transformation and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“The way that Charlotte changes from the beginning to the end of the story is dramatic. By the end of the story, her skin turns very tan, because of the sun. Dangerous situations brought her to cut her hair off. Her extremely soft hands, turned extremely rough and dry, because of working on the ship. The way she dresses changes completely: now she is wearing sailor's clothes, with no shoes on, no bonnet, or any kind of hat on her head, and as you might have guessed, no white gloves. And surprisingly, except for the hair, it was all her choice. She learns to love these changes and embrace them.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer focuses on the different aspects of Charlotte Doyle’s physical and intellectual transformation. (“Toward the end of the book, she is more like a tom-boy, wearing sailor’s clothes and walking around the ship barefoot. She learns that she enjoys being a boy, and that being a girl was too restrictive.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of word hooks to maintain the focus on the theme topic of accepting “change” from paragraph to paragraph. It is a very effective way to reinforce the overall message to the intended readers. (“She learns to love these changes and embrace them. But her appearance isn't the only thing that changes.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. In order to support the writer’s assertion that Charlotte Doyle changes in appearance, the writer provides the readers with contrasting descriptions. (“With the skin as white as snow, and a very long hair that, brushed 100 times before going to sleep, and extremely soft hands, showed where she came from, and how she was most likely to behave, because of the way she was educated... her skin turns very tan, because of the sun. Dangerous situations brought her to cut her hair off. Her extremely soft hands, turned extremely rough and dry, because of working on the ship…”)

The essay includes quotations by the main character from the text. (“‘How shall I describe the person I once was? At the age of thirteen I was very much a girl, having not yet begun to take shape, much less the heart of a woman. Still, my family dressed me as a young woman (...)’ (p. 1).”) In this case, the writer includes a quotation from the main character and narrator, Charlotte Doyle, to imply that at the beginning of the novel, she is still experiencing a change from childhood to adulthood.

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“In the beginning of the book, she isn't brave enough to refuse to go on the Seahawk by herself. By the end of the book, she is brave enough to face several dangerous situations, such as hurricanes and thunderstorms, to climb a mast, in the middle of a hurricane, and join the crew of a ship, considering that the year is 1832, she is a 13 year-old girl and the crew is made up only of men.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing the readers with an overview of the historical fiction novel. (“In the book The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, by Avi, the main character, Charlotte Doyle, is a 13 year-old girl, who comes from a very wealthy family from 1832. ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“In part one, Charlotte is very classist. She knows that she is not supposed to talk to the crew, much less be friends with them. In part two, she joins the crew, and becomes friends with everyone. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion by summarizing his/her main ideas. (“Charlotte leaves behind all of where she came from, and became a new, but better, Charlotte Doyle. She learns a valuable lessons about friendship, that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. ”) Moreover, the writer could strengthen the closing statements by encouraging readers to think, act, or consider a lesson.

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“Charlotte Doyle was a very polite young lady. In the beginning of the story, Charlotte is a polite young woman, very well dressed and behaved. She wore a bonnet covering her beautiful long hair, full length skirts, high button shoes, and white gloves. ”) Including a variety of sentence structures within the response will make the essay more interesting.

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of an objective reader. (“In the beginning of the book, she isn't brave enough to refuse to go on the Seahawk by herself. By the end of the book, she is brave enough to face several dangerous situations… ”) The writer should employ more formal language in order to develop a sophisticated tone in his/her response.

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“Throughout the story, Charlotte leaves her past behind, and changes radically. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“The way she dresses changes completely: now she is wearing sailor's clothes, with no shoes on, no bonnet, or any kind of hat on her head, and as you might have guessed, no white gloves. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Charlotte Doyle learned many life lessons from her experience on the Seahawk. She learned to follow the golden rule, unusual is not unnatural, and that it is okay to be offbeat just be yourself.

Life lesson one is a lesson that would help Charlotte and the crew out a tone if they had only found out it sooner. It is the golden rule to do unto others as you would do unto yourself. In the book captain Jaggery is brutal and distraught to others but is very infuriated when the crew intends to annihilate him. The second example is the event of Zachariah being compassionate, and kind hearted to Charlotte this helps Charlotte later on look at him and see him as a friend. i often make fun of my siblings, but become dejected when they do the same the golden rule could make this problem dissipate.

The second life lesson was presented in charlotte's court hearing being held because of the murder of Hollybrass, and it is unusual is not unnatural. The first example given in the book is the fact that Zachariah is on the ship it is unusual for a black man to be on a ship but in no way unnatural. In the book charlotte joins the crew and many people say it is unnatural. I participate in dance which for many people seems unusual and unnatural. Ballet. but I know that it is in no way unnatural. it is actually very common for boys to participate in all types of dance.

The third life lesson I have chosen is to be your self it doesn't matter if you're different. In the book charlotte who is frowned upon because she joined the crew decides to keep at it because it is now part of her. Charlotte's dad also tells her that her journal was full of lies, but she knows that she did those things and is okay that it was not lady like. I am different from my peers in many ways but I know I am the best me I can be.

During charlottes adventure on the Seahawk she learned many life lessons. Some of these lessons are the golden rule, unusual things are not unnatural, and to be yourself. From following these lessons and many more you will be able to prosper in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Charlotte Doyle learned many life lessons from her experience on the Seahawk. She learned to follow the golden rule, unusual is not unnatural, and that it is okay to be offbeat just be yourself.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By stating a universal theme within each paragraph, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. (“The third life lesson I have chosen is to be your self it doesn't matter if you're different. In the book charlotte who is frowned upon because she joined the crew decides to keep at it because it is now part of her.”) However, the writer’s limited explication of details in connection to the prompt task renders the essay limited at best.

The writer focuses limited details on the themes found within the story. (“Some of these lessons are the golden rule, unusual things are not unnatural, and to be yourself.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Charlotte's dad also tells her that her journal was full of lies, but she knows that she did those things and is okay that it was not lady like.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“It is the golden rule to do unto others as you would do unto yourself. In the book captain Jaggery is brutal and distraught to others but is very infuriated when the crew intends to annihilate him. The second example is the event of Zachariah being compassionate, and kind hearted to Charlotte this helps Charlotte later on look at him and see him as a friend.”) While the writer attempts to make a connection between the topic sentence and the example, there is little explication of the content provided, leaving the readers unsure of its importance in the response.

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“The third life lesson I have chosen is to be your self it doesn't matter if you're different. In the book charlotte who is frowned upon because she joined the crew decides to keep at it because it is now part of her. Charlotte's dad also tells her that her journal was full of lies, but she knows that she did those things and is okay that it was not lady like. I am different from my peers in many ways but I know I am the best me I can be.”) The writer’s lack of explanation of his/her chosen details leaves readers confused.

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by including a statement about the historical novel, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle . (“Charlotte Doyle learned many life lessons from her experience on the Seahawk. Charlotte Doyle learned many life lessons from her experience on the Seahawk.”)

There is some evidence of elementary t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Life lesson one is a lesson …The second life lesson…The third life lesson …”) Using more sophisticated transitional devices (in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion summarizes the main topics of the essay. (“During charlottes adventure on the Seahawk she learned many life lessons. Some of these lessons are the golden rule, unusual things are not unnatural, and to be yourself. From following these lessons and many more you will be able to prosper in life.”) The writer attempts to give readers something to think about as the response draws to a close by stating that the lessons Charlotte Doyle learns are not only universal, they are also beneficial.

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“The second example is the event of Zachariah being compassionate, and kind hearted to Charlotte this helps Charlotte later on look at him and see him as a friend.”) The writer should separate ideas into two or more sentences.

Although the writer manages to imply that the main character, Charlotte Doyle, is peculiar, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the aspects of the character. (“In the book charlotte joins the crew and many people say it is unnatural. I participate in dance which for many people seems unusual and unnatural. Ballet. but I know that it is in no way unnatural. it is actually very common for boys to participate in all types of dance.”) Although the writer attempts to enhance the writing by drawing a parallel between his/her life and the character of Charlotte, there is not enough descriptive language that would allow the readers to understand the writer’s message.

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“Life lesson one is a lesson that would help Charlotte and the crew out a tone if they had only found out it sooner. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I learned that Charlotte Doyle isn't comfortable with being on the Seahawk when she's the only girl, Her dad sent a man named Mr. Grummage to take her to the Seahawk.

She learned that Zachariah isn't to bad, she turns out to like him. she actually turns out to like everyone except for captain jaggery. She learns how to work on the ship. She's basically the only girl on the ship and she doesn't really like it.

She learns that she's to america to be with her father. Her father is a business man in america. First she didn't want to go on the ship alone but Mr. Grummage just left She went with Zacharias Which compared to her had a ferret face.

She's learned that Captain jaggery is really mean and scary, she actually took a sword or a whip or something like that and hit him across the face and he got a cut from his right ear to his left ear that would hurt alot.

These life lessons would help her in the future to learn how to like, not to fear, and to live. I predict that she will be successful and a great woman. I predict she will have a really good job and help people. I predict she would have a good family and great kids with unique names like cat or andre.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions that the main character, Charlotte Doyle, learns many things; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“She learned that Zachariah isn't to bad, she turns out to like him. she actually turns out to like everyone except for captain jaggery. She learns how to work on the ship. She's basically the only girl on the ship and she doesn't really like it.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas concerning the implied theme, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” (“She learned that Zachariah isn't to bad, she turns out to like him.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“These life lessons would help her in the future to learn how to like, not to fear, and to live. I predict that she will be successful and a great woman. I predict she will have a really good job and help people. I predict she would have a good family and great kids with unique names like cat or andre. ”) Although the writer attempts to wrap up the response by making predictions about the main character, many of the predictions do not seem to have a connection to the information within the response.

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when Charlotte accidentally whips Captain Jaggery in the face but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“She's learned that Captain jaggery is really mean and scary, she actually took a sword or a whip or something like that and hit him across the face and he got a cut from his right ear to his left ear that would hurt alot.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“First she didn't want to go on the ship alone but Mr. Grummage just left She went with Zacharias Which compared to her had a ferret face.”) Although some ideas and details about the characters and plot line are indicated, they are not fully developed so that the readers can understand their importance within the response.

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“She learns how to work on the ship. She's basically the only girl on the ship and she doesn't really like it.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I learned that Charlotte Doyle isn't comfortable with being on the Seahawk when she's the only girl, Her dad sent a man named Mr. Grummage to take her to the Seahawk.”) The writer should try to engage the readers at the beginning of the response with an interesting fact, a strong statement about the topic, a quotation, or an engaging question.

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the literary selection. Also, transitions are not included between most of the paragraphs or between sentences. (“She's learned that Captain jaggery is really mean and scary, she actually took a sword or a whip or something like that and hit him across the face and he got a cut from his right ear to his left ear that would hurt alot.”) Adding transitions within the response will show how ideas are linked to one another and help to promote a sense of flow.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“I predict she would have a good family and great kids with unique names like cat or andre.”) Although the writer makes a prediction at the end of the response, the information provided doesn’t seem to connect to the other information within the essay.

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“First she didn't want to go on the ship alone but Mr. Grummage just left She went with Zacharias Which compared to her had a ferret face. ”) The writer can remedy a run-on sentence by using proper punctuation, or separating ideas into different sentences.

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“She learns that she's to america to be with her father ”)

There is repetition throughout the response that makes the essays weak and boring. (“She learned …She learns … She learns …She's learned… ”) The writer should replace repeated phrases at the beginning of each statement to create sentence variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

''i was accused of a murder''. Charlotte Doyle was on an adventure aboard the seaholk. she changed in so many ways and she learned a lot of other things. some of the lesson even changed her life. She was with all man, and she is the only girl on the seaholk. She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“some of the lesson even changed her life. She was with all man, and she is the only girl on the seaholk. She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble.”)

Content & Development

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of Charlotte Doyle learning life lessons within the historical fiction novel but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“some of the lesson even changed her life. She was with all man, and she is the only girl on the seaholk. She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“some of the lesson even changed her life.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“’i was accused of a murder’'. Charlotte Doyle was on an adventure aboard the seaholk. ”) The writer provides a broad overview of the novel’s storyline but does not tell the readers the purpose of the prompt task.

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“'’i was accused of a murder’. Charlotte Doyle was on an adventure aboard the seaholk. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“She is only 13 years old and she has to deal with a big trouble. ”) Although the writer provides a very general overview of the novel’s plot line, there is little to no analysis within the response that would create a clear connection between the beginning of the essay and the end.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s descriptors are vague. (“she changed in so many ways and she learned a lot of other things. ”) Words such as “many,” “a lot,” and “things” are ambiguous or unclear and should be replaced with more concise descriptors.

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“she changed in so many ways and she learned a lot of other things. She was with all man, and she is the only girl on the seaholk. ”) The use of the pronoun “she” at the beginning of each sentence is repetitive and does not provide additional information about the main character, Charlotte Doyle.

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“some of the lesson even changed her life. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Literary Devices Create Mood in Literature

The mood of a piece of literature is the atmosphere created by the author. A writer may produce a unique mood through the use of literary devices.

Think about a story you have recently read. How did the author use literary devices to create the mood in this story? Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you discuss how the author used literary techniques such as irony, imagery, figurative language, and dialect to create the mood of the story. Be sure to support your position with meaningful references to the story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Death is one of the prospects of life. It is something you have to learn to deal with. This very same thing is in the Teresa Palomo Acosta composed “My Mother Pieced Quilts” which is a poem. In this beautifully illustrated elegy, she establishes a sad mood. She creates this ambiance by using literary devices. Teresa uses three types of literary devices to create this mood. Firstly, she uses imagery to display a vivid picture in your mind. She also uses figurative language to show the harsh reality of life. Finally, Teresa utilizes the effect of personification.

Acosta uses imagery in “My Mother Pieced Quilts”. For example in the poem, she states that the quilts were used as protection against “pounding January winds”. You can just imagine her in a small corner of the room wrapped in the beautiful colors of a quilt looking across the room to a door, inaudibly listening to the howling and whistling of the wind. Another image she depicts is when she shows that different colors together or apart stand out in certain seasons. She portrays this with the “october ripened canvases”. Can you imagine being in a beautiful wooden home and looking outside a gorgeously inlaid window? Outside you see fully grown maple trees displaying an exquisite array of golden, orange, and red leaves drifting off them. The trees create an arch with a walkway right under it. Behind the trees you see a dull ball of golden light. You look down and see a quilt with an assortment of gold, red, and orange matching the leaves of the trees and the sun brightening every color on the quilt. That is the imagery Acosta can make with just three words.

Acosta uses figurative language to demonstrate the harsh reality of life. For instance, she states that the quilts were “meant as covers in winters as weapons”. This means that the quilts barricaded the “package” against the cold. But the fact that she said “meant” at all refers to the fact that the importance of the quilts intention has changed. In this instance, the significance of the quilts has changed from protection to distant memoirs of the narrator’s late mother. The quilts act as a constant reminder of her death. And in anyone’s case death is a hard reality of life that takes a long time for people to comprehend. And when that person finally realizes it, to have a constant reminder is almost more than any one can bare, but in a way it becomes a comfort object that you can’t live without. So in this case the quilts depict the phrase “you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them” very well. Another literary device that Teresa Acosta uses is metaphors. In one part of “My Mother Pieced Quilts”, the Narrator expresses that every morning, when she wakes up she passes her “hand across their cloth faces”. In this quote she refers to the quilts. The relevance of this reference is that she says “every morning” she passes her hand over them. This means that the quilts display a specific importance. She bypasses her hand over the quilt because it brings back fond memories for her. The Narrator does this because she wants to relive her memories but knows she can not because her mother already “passed away”. This, as the aforesaid, displays the harsh reality of life. It haunts her of her mother’s death. A fact, almost no one can absolutely ever recover from. Acosta can use simple figurative language to represent a deep implication and display various sentiments.

Finally, Acosta uses personification. Acosta uses the personification to show that although the whole poem is about a sad memory of the Narrator’s mother it doesn’t always have to be sad. The Narrator’s mother pieces quilts. Therefore her mother must use a needle. At one point in the poem, the Narrator remembers “how the thread darted in and out galloping along the frayed edges, tucking them in” while her mother quilted. This is obviously a happy reminiscence for her seeing as the wording of the language involves almost a happy and day dream-like tone. The author is trying to depict that although you can grieve over the death of a loved one, you don’t and shouldn’t have to let that control the rest of your life. That person probably wouldn’t want you to waste your whole life on them. You should always have happy thoughts in your mind and should think about the good times rather than the bad ones. Acosta uses another example of personification. The Narrator says that her mother is “the river current carrying the roaring notes”. An interpretation of this would be that Acosta is trying to disclose that the Narrator’s mother is a powerful force able to carry the gentleness of a fine art. The “notes” represent the cloth and thread and the river obviously symbolizes the Narrator’s mother. This excerpt depicts the thesis because although it is a memory of her late mother, the Narrator has a fond memory of her mother. She feels a certain closeness and warmth where she feels a certain feeling she doesn’t have any where else.

In conclusion, Teresa Acosta uses three types of literary devices in her poem: imagery, figurative language, and personification to create a sad mood. This poem has the effect of making you think about life, and you relationships. It also gives you a feeling of piece and calmness. In a basic summary of the poem, Acosta uses the imagery to create a vivid picture. The figurative language is used for the purpose of explaining the harsh reality of life. And finally she says through her writing that not all sad things have to be sad all the time through her personification. Death is a prospect of life. It’s something you can not avoid. Even though you might not want to deal with it, at one point you’ll have to. In “My Mother Pieced Quilts” that is the exact same lesson that the Narrator had to learn. And from it she learned, that there isn’t only one emotion in life, which she depicts through her poem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates very effective focus and meaning regarding the use of literary devices to create mood in Teresa Palomo Acosta’s poem “My Mother Pieced Quilts.” The author establishes an in-depth analysis of the poem by discussing several important literary devices used throughout the text, such as imagery, figurative language, and personification that help create the mood of the poem, while making insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the specific literary techniques he/she describes. (“ In this beautifully illustrated elegy, she establishes a sad mood. She creates this ambiance by using literary devices. Teresa uses three types of literary devices to create this mood.” )

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and strongly developed with a wealth of examples cited from the text. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary devices from the text. The quotes selected from the text are excellent in conveying the way in which specific literary devices are used to create the mood of the piece. (“ Acosta uses figurative language to demonstrate the harsh reality of life. For instance, she states that the quilts were ‘meant as covers in winters as weapons’. This means that the quilts barricaded the ‘package’ against the cold.” )

Organization

There is very effective organization throughout this essay, as the main idea of the essay is firmly established in the introductory paragraph. The strength of this essay’s Organization is shown by the outlining of the three main points the writer plans to discuss, providing for a well-structured essay that flows effortlessly from one idea to the next. (“ Firstly, she uses imagery to display a vivid picture in your mind. She also uses figurative language to show the harsh reality of life. Finally, Teresa utilizes the effect of personification. ”) This essay also demonstrates a strong introduction and conclusion with effective use of transitional devices throughout. (“ In conclusion, Teresa Acosta uses three types of literary devices in her poem: imagery, figurative language, and personification to create a sad mood.” )

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the language use and style are sophisticated and highly effective. The author demonstrates precise language use, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and artful word choice that connects well with the subject. In addition, sentences in the essay are well-structured and varied. (“ You can just imagine her in a small corner of the room wrapped in the beautiful colors of a quilt looking across the room to a door, inaudibly listening to the howling and whistling of the wind.” )

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling and any minor errors that do exist do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ Outside you see fully grown maple trees displaying an exquisite array of golden, orange, and red leaves drifting off them.” )

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Quilts and their pieces symbolize many different things. In this poem “My Mother Pieced Quilts” by Teresa Paloma, the quilts bring out the mood and symbolize many different memories. The mood of this poem is told through the figurative language, imagery, and conflict. The mood is loneliness, throughout the whole poem the mother is remembering all her memories from long ago and she’s looking back on the past years of her life.

One way the mood is portrayed is through the figurative language. One really good use of personification was “knotted with love, the quilts sing on.” That line is saying that each little piece of the quilt tells a story and reveals a memory that is not forgotten. Another line that is figurative language was “driving your threaded needle artfully across the mosaic cloth bridges.” This sentence is describing how the mother is putting the quilt together, but it also puts a beautiful picture in the readers mind. The picture shows her loneliness, her despair, and all her lifelong journeys that she has been through.

Another way the mood is being displayed is through the imagery in the poem. One use of imagery was “to put the lilac purple of Easter against the red plaid of winter-going.” This example of imagery paints a picture in the reader’s heads. It shows the mother putting together the quilt almost like a book or calendar. Every color of the quilt has a story within it to remind the mother of all her child memories and all her memories in the past, but it also reminds her of why she’s putting together the quilt. She’s not putting the quilt together just because she wants to, this quilt has tons of memories within it and they replace her loneliness with happiness. Another great example of imagery is “dime store velvets.” This sentence truly shows how much the mother is longing for company and how she wants to remember all her memories to make up for all her times alone. The imagery is definitely the best way the author brought out the mood of loneliness.

The third and final way the author brought out the mood was through the conflict. The conflict of the poem strongly brings out the mood. She had to decide which color and which piece to put together, because every piece symbolizes every lost memory of the mother. The quilt shows many memories and adventures that the mother experienced, the quilt let’s the mother remember all the times she’s had. Every color, every thread, every piece of cloth makes up for all the lost time she has wasted and every journey she has gone through. The mother has the quilt and pieces together the quilt to make up for all her loneliness.

In conclusion, the author definitely brought out the mood of loneliness throughout the whole poem. The author revealed the mood through the figurative language, imagery, and the conflict. The author showed the mood of loneliness in the quilt, every piece of the quilt was another memory lost from the past. In the poem, the author used the quilt to symbolize her memories and in remembrance of her life. The quilt stands for so many different times in the mother’s life, but it also makes the mother paint the memories in her head. The mother has experienced all those memories in the past, but now that she feels so alone she wants to experience them all over again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author demonstrates a good, clear focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements or techniques. (“ In this poem ‘My Mother Pieced Quilts’ by Teresa Paloma, the quilts bring out the mood and symbolize many different memories. ”)

Content & Development

The content in this essay is clearly developed. Ideas are developed fully, clearly, and descriptively, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence to illustrate the way in which specific literary devices, such as figurative language, imagery, and conflict create the mood of the poem. (“ One way the mood is portrayed is through the figurative language. One really good use of personification was ‘knotted with love, the quilts sing on.’ That line is saying that each little piece of the quilt tells a story and reveals a memory that is not forgotten. ”)

Organization

This essay is well organized throughout with a clear introduction, in which the last two sentences give an overview of the essay. (“ The mood of this poem is told through the figurative language, imagery, and conflict. The mood is loneliness, throughout the whole poem the mother is remembering all her memories from long ago and she’s looking back on the past years of her life. ”) The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the author’s use of language and style remains vivid and effective. The essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety. (“ The picture shows her loneliness, her despair, and all her lifelong journeys that she has been through. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and/or spelling are few and minor and do not interfere significantly with the communication of the author’s message. (“ The mood is loneliness, throughout the whole poem the mother is remembering all her memories from long ago and she’s looking back on the past years of her life. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Melancholy, one of many words that can describe “My mother Pieced Quilts”, written by Teresa Palomo Acosta. This poem is about a women thinking about her mother. “Sewn hard and taut to withstand the thrashing of twenty-five years.” The daughter doesn’t know how to feel about her mother passing away. Her mother has died; therefore the mood of the poem is melancholy.

The author writes a lot of conflict in the story. “Oh mother you plunge me sobbing and laughing.” She has happy memories with her mother, good and bad. At the same time she is very sad she can never see her mother again. . While you read the story you read sentences like the one above and you almost start to fell sad for the women whose mother died. “Knocked with love the quilt sings on.” Her problem is internal conflict. The quilt sings on means it will stay with her forever.

Figure of speech is another one of the things the author uses in the story. “They were just meant as covers in the winter, but used as weapons against the pouring rains.” The author used a simile witch is compared a quilt to a weapon, and that is a figure of speech. That also, ties in with the mood of melancholy because it talks about weapons, witch reminds us about war, and war is sad because people die. Another time the author uses figure of speech. “You were the caravan master at the rains.” Her other was the leader of all the activities they did as a family. This quote also ties in with the mood of melancholy because the woman was thinking of her mom and the things they did together.

There is a lot of imagery in this poem. One line is “Weather to mix the blue with the white.” The author lets the reader picture in the minds what it looks like when she is making the quilts. “Weather to shape the five pointed star for grandmothers funeral.” That is also a way to watch her make quilts in your mind. That also ties in with the mood of melancholy because not only is she thinking of her mother dieing she is now also thinking how her grandmother died. That also makes her just as sad.

All the quotes go with what I said about the mood being melancholy. As you read the story you can tell what the author is trying to make you feel. When he uses conflict, figure of speech, and imagery the author uses sad or depressing words. Therefore the mood of the story is melancholy. The effect it has on the reader is it now makes you approach life in a different way. So we feel that we don’t want to loss a loved one such as a mother. This story will stick with me for a long time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer maintains an adequate focus and meaning. The author establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary devices used to create mood in Teresa Palomo Acosta’s “My Mother Pieced Quilts.” Furthermore, the writer mentions the mood, or the main idea, conveyed in the piece in the introduction. (“ Melancholy, one of many words that can describe ‘My mother Pieced Quilts’, written by Teresa Palomo Acosta. This poem is about a women thinking about her mother. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas throughout this essay. Ideas are developed sufficiently with some details and evidence to support the main ideas of how the literary devices of conflict, figurative language, and imagery help to create the mood of the poem. (“ There is a lot of imagery in this poem. One line is ‘Weather to mix the blue with the white.’ The author lets the reader picture in the minds what it looks like when she is making the quilts. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates adequate organization and a generally unified structure in the essay with an introduction that clearly mentions the mood conveyed in the poem, yet fails to give an overview of the author’s main points to be discussed. (“ The daughter doesn’t know how to feel about her mother passing away. Her mother has died; therefore the mood of the poem is melancholy.”) The conclusion adequately sums up the essay, leaving the reader with some insights from the author, although transitional devices are sometimes missing throughout the essay. (“ All the quotes go with what I said about the mood being melancholy. As you read the story you can tell what the author is trying to make you feel. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay are adequate with appropriate word choice, an apparent voice and awareness of audience, and correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentences and word choice, however, are a bit simpler and less sophisticated than seen in the previous essays. (“ The author writes a lot of conflict in the story. ‘Oh mother you plunge me sobbing and laughing.’ She has happy memories with her mother, good and bad. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout this essay. There are several errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, however, that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ The author used a simile witch is compared a quilt to a weapon, and that is a figure of speech.” )

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“The Other Self” is a book that I read and am going to write about the moods and literature devises. “The Other Self" is a short sort of story but is a nice different style, well that I've read an ways. Although there is only thirteen paragraphs in the story. Which I have read much, much longer story's then thirteen paragraphs.

The mood was very sad and thoughtful and her mom was quite and hardly said anything to her daughter except for what was what in the pictures and such. The authur 'Yoshiko Uchida' set the mood very, very, well, at least thats what I thought.To me it was very sincere and understanding to the subject in his mind that he put onto the paper he did.

Almost the whole story is a flash back but your going to find out anyway about the story the little girls mom is Japanese and she keeps a trunk in the basement full of all her belongings from Japan and they were cleaning out their basement and they came across a old trunk of the little girls mothers stuff and the little girl wanted to go through it so her mom opened up the trunk and found old photo graphs, bundles of letters, and her school books that she once long a go used in Japan.There was pictures of hr and her family and her high school graduation. She also showed her the old notebooks she used that had feathery writing in fading ink.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning. He/she establishes only a basic discussion of the mood used in the poem, fails to discuss any literary devices, and concludes the essay by giving a brief summary of the text. The author makes few connections among the task and the ideas in the text. ( “‘The Other Self’ is a book that I read and am going to write about the moods and literature devises.” )

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate details to support the writer’s main ideas. Only the mood of the story is discussed; the author fails to mention much about how the literary devices are used to create the mood of the piece. In addition, the writer fails to cite any quotes from the text itself. (“The mood was very sad and thoughtful and her mom was quite and hardly said anything to her daughter except for what was what in the pictures and such. The authur 'Yoshiko Uchida' set the mood very, very, well, at least thats what I thought.”)

Organization

There is limited organization throughout this essay. The main idea of the essay is unclear, and there are few to no transitional devices used to connect ideas from one paragraph to another. In turn, paragraphs are vaguely connected, with the third paragraph consisting merely of a summary of the story. The writer of the essay also d emonstrates evidence of a limited structure with a weak introduction and a conclusion that fails to actually function as one. (“‘The Other Self’ is a short sort of story but is a nice different style, well that I've read an ways. Although there is only thirteen paragraphs in the story. Which I have read much, much longer story's then thirteen paragraphs. ”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s use of language and style is limited throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and only a somewhat apparent voice. There is little sentence variety and a limited and unsophisticated choice of words. (“‘The Other Self’ is a short sort of story but is a nice different style, well that I've read an ways. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the essay maintains only a limited control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent and sometimes detract from the communication of the intended message. (“ There was pictures of hr and her family and her high school graduation.” )

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Knotted with love, the quilts sing on” Teresa Acosta, author of “My Mother Pieced Quilts” used literary devices such as imagery, conflict, and figurative language, to create a sad, lonely mood of the story. She was able to keep that strong throughout the story.

Acosta used imagery the most throughout the story. “ Lilac purple of Easter”. Or “me lounging on your arm.” Were a few examples. By using imagery, she was able to show how sad and lonely she was. With imagery throughout the story, she was able to show the sad mood of the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author maintains minimal focus and meaning. The author establishes an incomplete analysis of the poem. There is a central idea established relating to the “sad, lonely mood of the story”; however, the only type of literary device the author mentions is imagery. (“ Teresa Acosta, author of ‘My Mother Pieced Quilts’ used literary devices such as imagery, conflict, and figurative language, to create a sad, lonely mood of the story.” )

Content & Development

The content in this essay is minimal and poorly developed. The essay consists of only two short paragraphs with only a couple of examples of imagery from the text. Although there are some good ideas, they are very brief and incompletely developed. (“ Acosta used imagery the most throughout the story. ‘Lilac purple of Easter’. Or ‘me lounging on your arm.’ Were a few examples. By using imagery, she was able to show how sad and lonely she was. ”)

Organization

The writer of this essay demonstrates only min imal organization. The essay consists of only two brief paragraphs, with no clear introduction or conclusion. The last sentence of the essay appears to be a concluding sentence, but does nothing more than merely repeat what was already stated in the essay. (“ By using imagery, she was able to show how sad and lonely she was. With imagery throughout the story, she was able to show the sad mood of the story. ”) Furthermore, transitional devices are rarely used.

Language Use & Style

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal skill in language use and style. Language use is weak, with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent, and word choice is quite basic with words such as “sad” and “lonely” repeated more than once. (“ By using imagery, she was able to show how sad and lonely she was. With imagery throughout the story, she was able to show the sad mood of the story. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are found in the essay. (“ ‘Lilac purple of Easter’. Or ‘me lounging on your arm.’ Were a few examples.” )

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story the Overhead Man; the author creates frustrating mood. The conflict was that there was a leak in the roof, and that Maggs would always come back and ask for more money. The author also foreshadowed, the wrote” Maggs and son turned out to be just Maggs, the first of Maggs lies.” The author said that Maggs had a tobacco brown smile and was very red. The author wrote,” It was raining cats and dogs.” Wich is figurative language.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author establishes an inadequate focus and meaning. He/she fails to establish a complete analysis of the use of literary devices to create mood in the chosen piece of literature. The focus of the essay is often confusing and difficult to decipher. (“In the story the Overhead Man; the author creates frustrating mood. The conflict was that there was a leak in the roof, and that Maggs would always come back and ask for more money.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content with little development. The essay fails to develop ideas and provide an appropriate number of details. The essay is only one paragraph with no actual body paragraphs to develop ideas. (“ The conflict was that there was a leak in the roof, and that Maggs would always come back and ask for more money. The author also foreshadowed, the wrote’ Maggs and son turned out to be just Maggs, the first of Maggs lies.’ The author said that Maggs had a tobacco brown smile and was very red.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed, and the author’s use of organization is inadequate for the required assignment. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with only one paragraph and little evidence of transitional devices between sentences and ideas. (“ In the story the Overhead Man; the author creates frustrating mood. The conflict was that there was a leak in the roof, and that Maggs would always come back and ask for more money. The author also foreshadowed, the wrote’ Maggs and son turned out to be just Maggs, the first of Maggs lies.’ ”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is inadequate, with unclear language use and no awareness of audience or evidence of voice. In addition, there are major errors in word choice, sentence structure, and usage. (“ The author said that Maggs had a tobacco brown smile and was very red. The author wrote,’ It was raining cats and dogs.’ Wich is figurative language.” )

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ The author said that Maggs had a tobacco brown smile and was very red. The author wrote,’ It was raining cats and dogs.’ Wich is figurative language.”)

“Madam and the Rent Man” by Langston Hughes

In the poem "Madam and the Rent Man," Langston Hughes expresses the frustrations of an unhappy tenant. What message was the author trying to convey?

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you demonstrate your understanding of the poem and the author's message. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Langston Hughes was a Jim Crow poet, so it's only natural that most of his writing was a metaphor for the discrimination that was ubiquitous during his time. "Madam and the Rent Man" is no exception. Though, at first glance, this poem seems like a simple argument between the rent man and tenant, the author is trying to convey a deeper message of oppression. "Madam," or the tenant, represents the African Americans who were unfairly treated in their own country. The rent man symbolizes the white man who makes promises and doesn't keep them, yet expects payment. In this poem, the author was telling a tale of broken promises, being oppressed in one's own country, and unfairness.

When the rent man asks for the rent, the tenant defiantly replies, "And you ain't done a thing you promised to've done." During the Reconstruction Era, immediately after the Civil War, African Americans had the right to vote, food and shelter when they needed it, and more; they were rapidly becoming equal to whites. Yet after this shining time of civil rights ended, their freedom was taken away, and African Americans no longer had the rights they had been promised as freed men. The Americans had broken their promise to uphold the part of the Constitution that says, "All men are created equal." The tenant then listed the things that she had been promised but not received, "back window's cracked; kitchen floor squeaks; there's rats in the cellar; and the attic leaks." All of these things are a crucial part of a home, and when they are in such squalid condition, they need attention. Similarly, as African Americans regressed to poverty and working on the plantation, whites ignored their pleas for help and reminders of their promises.

When the rent man arrives at the tenant's door, Madam politely asks, "What can I do for you?" only to have him ask for rent he does not deserve. Similarly, when African Americans were abducted and brought to America, it had by no means been of their own volition. They were frightened and confused, and the white man ruthlessly forced them to work for a living that was naught more than their life and the clothes on their back. As the rent man tells the tenant that her rent is due, she replies, "Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!" This defiant attitude symbolizes the African Americans refusing to be oppressed any longer. Time had made them stronger, and they were ready to fight for what they wanted, and more than deserved.

The rent man comes to the tenant's door and asks for rent. When Madam concisely explains why she won't pay, he ignores her and merely says that it wasn't his fault. "It's not up to me; I'm just the agent; don't you see?" The whites abducted millions of African Americans and threw them into the sea of plantation slavery with no lifelines. When it became apparent that this nation of liberty would not tolerate such unfairness towards other human beings, the whites refused to take responsibility, instead, making the already downtrodden African Americans' lives even more miserable with poll taxes and literacy tests that just restricted their rights even more. At the end, the rent man says, "Madam, I ain't pleased!" The tenant replies, "Neither am I, so we agrees!" While this is undoubtedly true, since neither side is getting what they want, the irony of the two agreeing shows the author's bitterness at the unfair treatment of his race. That there is no further explanation of the final outcome shows the author's desire to emphasize this last part about neither side being pleased, one because of their narrow-minded point of view, the other because of their justified frustration about the general unfairness of life in this new country that they didn't even want to come to in the first place.

In this poem, the author isn't just expressing the frustrations of a rent man and tenant. He's using the situation as a metaphor for the broken promises, tyrannical oppression, and unfairness towards African Americans during the time he lived, the Jim Crow era. Because whites decided to abduct millions of foreigners and force them to do hard labor without pay, without thinking of the consequences, when the rest of the nation came to its senses and stopped this insanity, African Americans had to suffer the consequences. Now they were shunned by society and forced to work in debt; this poem is a bitter description of their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more significant moments in the poem with clear and very descriptive details. (“When the rent man arrives at the tenant's door, Madam politely asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ only to have him ask for rent he does not deserve. Similarly, when African Americans were abducted and brought to America, it had by no means been of their own volition. They were frightened and confused, and the white man ruthlessly forced them to work for a living that was naught more than their life and the clothes on their back. As the rent man tells the tenant that her rent is due, she replies, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!’ This defiant attitude symbolizes the African Americans refusing to be oppressed any longer. Time had made them stronger, and they were ready to fight for what they wanted, and more than deserved.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Though, at first glance, this poem seems like a simple argument between the rent man and tenant, the author is trying to convey a deeper message of oppression. ‘Madam,’ or the tenant, represents the African Americans who were unfairly treated in their own country. The rent man symbolizes the white man who makes promises and doesn't keep them, yet expects payment. In this poem, the author was telling a tale of broken promises, being oppressed in one's own country, and unfairness.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ The rent man comes to the tenant's door and asks for rent. When Madam concisely explains why she won't pay, he ignores her and merely says that it wasn't his fault. ‘It's not up to me; I'm just the agent; don't you see?’ The whites abducted millions of African Americans and threw them into the sea of plantation slavery with no lifelines. When it became apparent that this nation of liberty would not tolerate such unfairness towards other human beings, the whites refused to take responsibility, instead, making the already downtrodden African Americans' lives even more miserable with poll taxes and literacy tests that just restricted their rights even more. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ When the rent man asks for the rent, the tenant defiantly replies, ‘And you ain't done a thing you promised to've done.’ During the Reconstruction Era, immediately after the Civil War, African Americans had the right to vote, food and shelter when they needed it, and more; they were rapidly becoming equal to whites. Yet after this shining time of civil rights ended, their freedom was taken away, and African Americans no longer had the rights they had been promised as freed men. The Americans had broken their promise to uphold the part of the Constitution that says, ‘All men are created equal.’ ”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“When the rent man arrives at the tenant's door, Madam politely asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ only to have him ask for rent he does not deserve. Similarly, when African Americans were abducted and brought to America, it had by no means been of their own volition. They were frightened and confused, and the white man ruthlessly forced them to work for a living that was naught more than their life and the clothes on their back. As the rent man tells the tenant that her rent is due, she replies, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!’ This defiant attitude symbolizes the African Americans refusing to be oppressed any longer. Time had made them stronger, and they were ready to fight for what they wanted, and more than deserved.”)

The writer supports each aspect of the asserted thesis by weaving in events and dialogue throughout the essay. Consistent focus on the overall theme assists in effectively illustrating the main points in the body paragraphs. (“The tenant then listed the things that she had been promised but not received, ‘back window's cracked; kitchen floor squeaks; there's rats in the cellar; and the attic leaks.’ All of these things are a crucial part of a home, and when they are in such squalid condition, they need attention. Similarly,as African Americans regressed to poverty and working on the plantation, whites ignored their pleas for help and reminders of their promises.”)

Organization

The writer captures the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing background information about the author and asserting an insightful thesis that directly relates to his/her understanding of the overall message intended by Langston Hughes. (“ Langston Hughes was a Jim Crow poet, so it's only natural that most of his writing was a metaphor for the discrimination that was ubiquitous during his time. "Madam and the Rent Man" is no exception. Though, at first glance, this poem seems like a simple argument between the rent man and tenant, the author is trying to convey a deeper message of oppression. "Madam," or the tenant, represents the African Americans who were unfairly treated in their own country. The rent man symbolizes the white man who makes promises and doesn't keep them, yet expects payment. In this poem, the author was telling a tale of broken promises, being oppressed in one's own country, and unfairness.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ When the rent man arrives at the tenant's door, Madam politely asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ only to have him ask for rent he does not deserve. Similarly, when African Americans were abducted and brought to America, it had by no means been of their own volition. They were frightened and confused, and the white man ruthlessly forced them to work for a living that was naught more than their life and the clothes on their back. As the rent man tells the tenant that her rent is due, she replies, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!’ This defiant attitude symbolizes the African Americans refusing to be oppressed any longer. Time had made them stronger, and they were ready to fight for what they wanted, and more than deserved.”)

The writer offers a very effective conclusion by succinctly summarizing the main points and leaving readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ In this poem, the author isn't just expressing the frustrations of a rent man and tenant. He's using the situation as a metaphor for the broken promises, tyrannical oppression, and unfairness towards African Americans during the time he lived, the Jim Crow era. Because whites decided to abduct millions of foreigners and force them to do hard labor without pay, without thinking of the consequences, when the rest of the nation came to its senses and stopped this insanity, African Americans had to suffer the consequences. Now they were shunned by society and forced to work in debt; this poem is a bitter description of their lives.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the poem to illustrate his/her insightful thesis. (“ When the rent man arrives at the tenant's door, Madam politely asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ only to have him ask for rent he does not deserve. Similarly, when African Americans were abducted and brought to America, it had by no means been of their own volition. They were frightened and confused, and the white man ruthlessly forced them to work for a living that was naught more than their life and the clothes on their back. As the rent man tells the tenant that her rent is due, she replies, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!’ This defiant attitude symbolizes the African Americans refusing to be oppressed any longer. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the meaning of the poem for readers so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand how this poem, about a tenant’s refusal to pay for her home, is really about the oppression of African Americans throughout history. (“ When the rent man asks for the rent, the tenant defiantly replies, ‘And you ain't done a thing you promised to've done.’ During the Reconstruction Era, immediately after the Civil War, African Americans had the right to vote, food and shelter when they needed it, and more; they were rapidly becoming equal to whites. Yet after this shining time of civil rights ended, their freedom was taken away, and African Americans no longer had the rights they had been promised as freed men. The Americans had broken their promise to uphold the part of the Constitution that says, ‘All men are created equal.’ ”)

Use of sophisticated word choice and specific detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“When it became apparent that this nation of liberty would not tolerate such unfairness towards other human beings, the whites refused to take responsibility, instead, making the already downtrodden African Americans' lives even more miserable with poll taxes and literacy tests that just restricted their rights even more. At the end, the rent man says, ‘Madam, I ain't pleased!’ The tenant replies, ‘Neither am I, so we agrees!’ While this is undoubtedly true, since neither side is getting what they want, the irony of the two agreeing shows the author's bitterness at the unfair treatment of his race. That there is no further explanation of the final outcome shows the author's desire to emphasize this last part about neither side being pleased, one because of their narrow-minded point of view, the other because of their justified frustration about the general unfairness of life in this new country that they didn't even want to come to in the first place.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ In this poem, the author isn't just expressing the frustrations of a rent man and tenant. He's using the situation as a metaphor for the broken promises, tyrannical oppression, and unfairness towards African Americans during the time he lived, the Jim Crow era. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poem "Madam and the Rent Man" by Langston Hughes, a man visits a home of a woman, demanding that she pay her rent. However, it is quite clear that the woman believes that she is not obligated to pay the rent and shows just how unsatisfied she is by enumerating the things wrong with her home. The poem is written in the first-person perspective, where the narrator is the woman. Through analyzing the poem by looking closely at the author's usage of metaphor and symbolism, one can abstract a set of possible interpretations. I believe that the author wanted to depict the living conditions and social status of African Americans during the early 20th century. During that era of our nation's development, African Americans were often looked down upon with contempt from white men. The poem shows the emotions of an African American woman as she tries to explain why she feels she shouldn't pay the rent.

The author puts "Before I'd pay / I'd go to Hades / And rot away!", to express how much the woman does not want to pay the rent. In the fourth stanza, the woman goes on to say, "The sink is broke / The water don't run, / And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done." Hughes's usage of symbolism in "The water don't run" shows that the woman is deprived of what are considered to be fundamental rights; by stating that she has no access to the water is saying that one has denied her the right to an essential part of life. The lines "And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done." show how the woman doesn't feel that she can trust the rent man, because of unfulfilled obligations.

The woman then complains, "Back window's cracked / Kitchen floor squeaks / There's rats in the cellar / And the attic leaks." Hughes uses the word "cracked" to show that the rent man's intentions are corrupted (a synonym for broken (cracked)). The fact that there are rats in the cellar is also important, because by stating that there are rats, it shows that the rent man had put the woman into a position where he neglected her needs, as if he did not care (the same position that rats are in).

The rent man then says "It's not up to me / I'm just the agent / Don't you see", stating that whatever is bothering the woman is not his fault, and he is not the person to blame. The woman says in response, "You pass the buck / If it's money you want / You're out of luck", telling that he is as much to blame as the leader, since he is aiding him, and that he will not get any money out of her. The rent man says that he isn't pleased, and the woman says "Neither am I / So we agrees!", justifying her argument. The last sentence is a powerful statement, because it shows that even two people with different philosophies can agree with each other.

The message that the author was trying to convey may vary depending on the reader, but I believe that it is a poem that tells the reader that one shouldn't do submit to things if they believe that it is unjust. Langston Hughes has executed a variety of different techniques flawlessly, like exposing the character's background through special dialogue forms. "Madam and the Rent Man" is a powerful poem that captures the history of America and a good theme of not succumbing to what's unjust.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on Langston Hughes’s use of metaphor and symbolism. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Through analyzing the poem by looking closely at the author's usage of metaphor and symbolism, one can abstract a set of possible interpretations. I believe that the author wanted to depict the living conditions and social status of African Americans during the early 20th century. During that era of our nation's development, African Americans were often looked down upon with contempt from white men. The poem shows the emotions of an African American woman as she tries to explain why she feels she shouldn't pay the rent.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The author puts ‘Before I'd pay / I'd go to Hades / And rot away!’, to express how much the woman does not want to pay the rent. In the fourth stanza, the woman goes on to say, ‘The sink is broke / The water don't run, / And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done.’ Hughes's usage of symbolism in ‘The water don't run’ shows that the woman is deprived of what are considered to be fundamental rights; by stating that she has no access to the water is saying that one has denied her the right to an essential part of life. The lines ‘And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done.’ show how the woman doesn't feel that she can trust the rent man, because of unfulfilled obligations.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details that directly relate to the conversation between the rent man and Madam. (“ The rent man then says ‘It's not up to me / I'm just the agent / Don't you see’, stating that whatever is bothering the woman is not his fault, and he is not the person to blame. The woman says in response, ‘You pass the buck / If it's money you want / You're out of luck’, telling that he is as much to blame as the leader, since he is aiding him, and that he will not get any money out of her. The rent man says that he isn't pleased, and the woman says ‘Neither am I / So we agrees!’, justifying her argument. The last sentence is a powerful statement, because it shows that even two people with different philosophies can agree with each other.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The poem shows the emotions of an African American woman as she tries to explain why she feels she shouldn't pay the rent. The author puts ‘Before I'd pay / I'd go to Hades / And rot away!’, to express how much the woman does not want to pay the rent. In the fourth stanza, the woman goes on to say, ‘The sink is broke / The water don't run, / And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done.’ Hughes's usage of symbolism in ‘The water don't run’ shows that the woman is deprived of what are considered to be fundamental rights; by stating that she has no access to the water is saying that one has denied her the right to an essential part of life. The lines ‘And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done.’ show how the woman doesn't feel that she can trust the rent man, because of unfulfilled obligations.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“The rent man then says ‘It's not up to me / I'm just the agent / Don't you see’, stating that whatever is bothering the woman is not his fault, and he is not the person to blame. The woman says in response, ‘You pass the buck / If it's money you want / You're out of luck’, telling that he is as much to blame as the leader, since he is aiding him, and that he will not get any money out of her. The rent man says that he isn't pleased, and the woman says ‘Neither am I / So we agrees!’, justifying her argument. The last sentence is a powerful statement, because it shows that even two people with different philosophies can agree with each other.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The woman then complains, ‘Back window's cracked / Kitchen floor squeaks / There's rats in the cellar / And the attic leaks." Hughes uses the word ‘cracked’ to show that the rent man's intentions are corrupted [a synonym for broken (cracked)]. The fact that there are rats in the cellar is also important, because by stating that there are rats, it shows that the rent man had put the woman into a position where he neglected her needs, as if he did not care [the same position that rats are in].”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. He/she provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by describing the initial scenario of the poem. (“ In the poem ‘Madam and the Rent Man’ by Langston Hughes, a man visits a home of a woman, demanding that she pay her rent. However, it is quite clear that the woman believes that she is not obligated to pay the rent and shows just how unsatisfied she is by enumerating the things wrong with her home.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ The woman then complains, ‘Back window's cracked / Kitchen floor squeaks / There's rats in the cellar / And the attic leaks.’ Hughes uses the word ‘cracked’ to show that the rent man's intentions are corrupted [a synonym for broken (cracked)]. The fact that there are rats in the cellar is also important, because by stating that there are rats, it shows that the rent man had put the woman into a position where he neglected her needs, as if he did not care [the same position that rats are in].”)

The essay provides a conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ The message that the author was trying to convey may vary depending on the reader, but I believe that it is a poem that tells the reader that one shouldn't do submit to things if they believe that it is unjust. Langston Hughes has executed a variety of different techniques flawlessly, like exposing the character's background through special dialogue forms. ‘Madam and the Rent Man’ is a powerful poem that captures the history of America and a good theme of not succumbing to what's unjust.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Hughes's usage of symbolism in ‘The water don't run’ shows that the woman is deprived of what are considered to be fundamental rights; by stating that she has no access to the water is saying that one has denied her the right to an essential part of life. The lines ‘And you ain't done a thing / You promised to've done.’ show how the woman doesn't feel that she can trust the rent man, because of unfulfilled obligations.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Through analyzing the poem by looking closely at the author's usage of metaphor and symbolism, one can abstract a set of possible interpretations. I believe that the author wanted to depict the living conditions and social status of African Americans during the early 20th century. During that era of our nation's development, African Americans were often looked down upon with contempt from white men. The poem shows the emotions of an African American woman as she tries to explain why she feels she shouldn't pay the rent.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ The rent man then says ‘It's not up to me / I'm just the agent / Don't you see’, stating that whatever is bothering the woman is not his fault, and he is not the person to blame. The woman says in response, ‘You pass the buck / If it's money you want / You're out of luck’, telling that he is as much to blame as the leader, since he is aiding him, and that he will not get any money out of her. The rent man says that he isn't pleased, and the woman says ‘Neither am I / So we agrees!’, justifying her argument. The last sentence is a powerful statement, because it shows that even two people with different philosophies can agree with each other. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences use line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Through analyzing the poem by looking closely at the author's usage of metaphor and symbolism, one can abstract a set of possible interpretations. I believe that the author wanted to depict the living conditions and social status of African Americans during the early 20th century. During that era of our nation's development, African Americans were often looked down upon with contempt from white men. The poem shows the emotions of an African American woman as she tries to explain why she feels she shouldn't pay the rent. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem "Madam and the Rent Man," by Langston Hughes, is a story that pursues the moral of Life Isn't Always Fair. The poem describes a young woman who is renting an awful place, and she believes that her broken, dirty, squeaky floor of a home is unworthy of paying for. So, she refuses to pay for it when the rent man comes to collect money.

The first two stanzas of the poem describe the Madam's true hatred of having to pay for a home that is not well equipped. When the rent man comes to collect money, she begins to push the subject back. In the last two lines of stanza one the rent man tells her, "He said, you know your rent is due." The Madam starts to become angered because she feels it is unjust to pay for her home, and so she passionately declines and says, "I said, Listen Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades And rot away!" Obviously her home must be truly terrible.

The Madam began to list her complaints, which began to show the real colors of the Life Isn't Always Fair moral. She says, "The sink is broke, The water don't run, And you ain't done a thing You promised to've done." The complaints continue to grow with, "The back windows cracked, Kitchen floor squeaks, There's rats in the cellar, And the attic leaks." Her living condition is definitely is not the highest standard. Eventually, when the rent man has the chance to speak, he basically pushes the thought away. "He said, Madam, It's not up to me, I'm just the agent, Don't you see?" He was basically saying don't tell that to me it's not my job.

"I said, Naturally, You pass the buck. If its money you want, You're out of luck." She said I will not pay you! Basically the madam still did not choose to pay him, and there was no way she would. Besides, she has an unfair life style, and the last thing anyone living in that condition needs is to go broke. But the rent man was not happy about this decision. The last stanza says "He said, Madam, I ain't pleased! I said neither am I, So we agrees! The rent man and the Madam both agreed to disagree.

In conclusion the poem "Madam and the Rent Man" has the moral of life isn't always fair. The main topic of unfairness in this poem is how many things there are wrong with her home, rats, broken sinks, squeaky floor boards, and no running water that nobody will fix. The story explains how a women, Madam, refuses to pay for her harsh, dirty, and broken living conditions, when the rent man comes along to collect her money.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer focuses on a message of “Life is not fair” and provides adequate details so readers can consider this assertion. (“The poem ‘Madam and the Rent Man,’ by Langston Hughes, is a story that pursues the moral of Life Isn't Always Fair. The poem describes a young woman who is renting an awful place, and she believes that her broken, dirty, squeaky floor of a home is unworthy of paying for. So, she refuses to pay for it when the rent man comes to collect money.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ The Madam began to list her complaints, which began to show the real colors of the Life Isn't Always Fair moral. She says, ‘The sink is broke, The water don't run, And you ain't done a thing You promised to've done.’ The complaints continue to grow with, ‘The back windows cracked, Kitchen floor squeaks, There's rats in the cellar, And the attic leaks.’ Her living condition is definitely is not the highest standard. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer consistently quotes from the text to support the overall message for the intended readers. (“‘I said, Naturally, You pass the buck. If its money you want, You're out of luck.’ She said I will not pay you! Basically the madam still did not choose to pay him, and there was no way she would. Besides, she has an unfair life style, and the last thing anyone living in that condition needs is to go broke. But the rent man was not happy about this decision. The last stanza says ‘He said, Madam, I ain't pleased! I said neither am I, So we agrees! The rent man and the Madam both agreed to disagree.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ The Madam began to list her complaints, which began to show the real colors of the Life Isn't Always Fair moral. She says, ‘The sink is broke, The water don't run, And you ain't done a thing You promised to've done.’ The complaints continue to grow with, ‘The back windows cracked, Kitchen floor squeaks, There's rats in the cellar, And the attic leaks.’ Her living condition is definitely is not the highest standard. ”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“‘I said, Naturally, You pass the buck. If its money you want, You're out of luck.’ She said I will not pay you! Basically the madam still did not choose to pay him, and there was no way she would. Besides, she has an unfair life style, and the last thing anyone living in that condition needs is to go broke. But the rent man was not happy about this decision. The last stanza says ‘He said, Madam, I ain't pleased! I said neither am I, So we agrees! The rent man and the Madam both agreed to disagree.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The first two stanzas of the poem describe the Madam's true hatred of having to pay for a home that is not well equipped. When the rent man comes to collect money, she begins to push the subject back. In the last two lines of stanza one the rent man tells her, ‘He said, you know your rent is due.’ The Madam starts to become angered because she feels it is unjust to pay for her home, and so she passionately declines and says, ‘I said, Listen Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades And rot away!’ Obviously her home must be truly terrible.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and some use of subtle transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The poem ‘Madam and the Rent Man,’ by Langston Hughes, is a story that pursues the moral of Life Isn't Always Fair. The poem describes a young woman who is renting an awful place, and she believes that her broken, dirty, squeaky floor of a home is unworthy of paying for. So, she refuses to pay for it when the rent man comes to collect money.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ The first two stanzas of the poem describe the Madam's true hatred of having to pay for a home that is not well equipped. When the rent man comes to collect money, she begins to push the subject back. In the last two lines of stanza one the rent man tells her, ‘He said, you know your rent is due.’ The Madam starts to become angered because she feels it is unjust to pay for her home, and so she passionately declines and says, ‘I said, Listen Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades And rot away!’ Obviously her home must be truly terrible.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In conclusion the poem ‘Madam and the Rent Man’ has the moral of life isn't always fair. The main topic of unfairness in this poem is how many things there are wrong with her home, rats, broken sinks, squeaky floor boards, and no running water that nobody will fix. The story explains how a women, Madam, refuses to pay for her harsh, dirty, and broken living conditions, when the rent man comes along to collect her money.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ She said I will not pay you! Basically the madam still did not choose to pay him, and there was no way she would. Besides, she has an unfair life style, and the last thing anyone living in that condition needs is to go broke. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she delves into the possible meanings behind Langston Hughes’s poem. (“ The Madam began to list her complaints, which began to show the real colors of the Life Isn't Always Fair moral. She says, ‘The sink is broke, The water don't run, And you ain't done a thing You promised to've done.’ The complaints continue to grow with, ‘The back windows cracked, Kitchen floor squeaks, There's rats in the cellar, And the attic leaks.’ Her living condition is definitely is not the highest standard.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ The first two stanzas of the poem describe the Madam's true hatred of having to pay for a home that is not well equipped. When the rent man comes to collect money, she begins to push the subject back. In the last two lines of stanza one the rent man tells her, ‘He said, you know your rent is due.’ The Madam starts to become angered because she feels it is unjust to pay for her home, and so she passionately declines and says, ‘I said, Listen Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades And rot away!’ Obviously her home must be truly terrible.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Her living condition is definitely is not the highest standard. Eventually, when the rent man has the chance to speak, he basically pushes the thought away. ‘He said, Madam, It's not up to me, I'm just the agent, Don't you see?’ He was basically saying don't tell that to me it's not my job.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The author of "Madam and the Rent Man", Langston Hughes tries to give the reader a valuable message about life. What I believe the message is the conditions that some people live in. The way he shows this is by describing the apartment and how bad it is. Another way is how Madam is refusing to pay the rent because of the conditions of the apartment.

The message in this story is the how poor people lived. A good example comes from the text, The sink is broken, and The water don't run. Many people back then and even now live in places where you cant take a bath, cant wash their dishes, and have a bad leek in the roof. These conditions is just how Madam lives in this poem. Can you imagine the frustration in someone's look if they have ask the rent guy many times that the house need repairs. The people that live in these places cant do nothing about that because they don't have the permission of the owner or the money to pay for repairs themselves. They have to get used to this.

In this poem Madam refuses to pay rent, "Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!." This is a good quote because it lets the reader understand that the rent guy isn't doing what he promised Madam he will do about the house. It also gives you an idea of what it was for poor people back then especially those that the rent guy wont listen to them. "Madam and the Rent Guy" is the perfect example of human life everywhere.

The poetic device Langston Hughes uses in the poem "Madam and the Rent Guy" is Rhyme scheme. Hughes uses rhyme scheme because he uses a certain pattern in this poem. He starts by using the abcb format. An example is: "I said, Listen, Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades And rot away!" Another example is: "The sink is broke, The water don't run, And you ain't done a thing, You promised to've done." This device is used trough out all the poem. By using this format Hughes can produce a mood of anger and frustuation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text but makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The author of ‘Madam and the Rent Man’, Langston Hughes tries to give the reader a valuable message about life. What I believe the message is the conditions that some people live in. The way he shows this is by describing the apartment and how bad it is. Another way is how Madam is refusing to pay the rent because of the conditions of the apartment.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Madam’s poor living conditions, the writer is attempting to explain Langston Hughes’s overall message; however, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“The message in this story is the how poor people lived. A good example comes from the text, The sink is broken, and The water don't run. Many people back then and even now live in places where you cant take a bath, cant wash their dishes, and have a bad leek in the roof. These conditions is just how Madam lives in this poem.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In this poem Madam refuses to pay rent, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!.’ This is a good quote because it lets the reader understand that the rent guy isn't doing what he promised Madam he will do about the house. It also gives you an idea of what it was for poor people back then especially those that the rent guy wont listen to them. ‘Madam and the Rent Guy’ is the perfect example of human life everywhere.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that would connect the essay question to the text. (“In this poem Madam refuses to pay rent, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!.’ This is a good quote because it lets the reader understand that the rent guy isn't doing what he promised Madam he will do about the house.”)

The essay implements limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The message in this story is the how poor people lived. A good example comes from the text, The sink is broken, and The water don't run. Many people back then and even now live in places where you cant take a bath, cant wash their dishes, and have a bad leek in the roof. These conditions is just how Madam lives in this poem.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The poetic device Langston Hughes uses in the poem ‘Madam and the Rent Guy’ is Rhyme scheme. Hughes uses rhyme scheme because he uses a certain pattern in this poem. He starts by using the abcb format.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to engage readers in the introduction by asserting what he/she believes to be the message of the poem. (“ The author of ‘Madam and the Rent Man’, Langston Hughes tries to give the reader a valuable message about life. What I believe the message is the conditions that some people live in. The way he shows this is by describing the apartment and how bad it is. Another way is how Madam is refusing to pay the rent because of the conditions of the apartment. ”)

The essay lacks effective t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ In this poem Madam refuses to pay rent, ‘Before I'd pay I'd go to Hades and rot away!.’ This is a good quote because it lets the reader understand that the rent guy isn't doing what he promised Madam he will do about the house. ”)

The writer does not provide a conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ By using this format Hughes can produce a mood of anger and frustuation. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Many sentences are short and choppy. (“ Hughes uses rhyme scheme because he uses a certain pattern in this poem. He starts by using the abcb format. ”)

There is evidence of weak sentence structure in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ This is a good quote because it lets the reader understand that the rent guy isn't doing what he promised Madam he will do about the house. It also gives you an idea of what it was for poor people back then especially those that the rent guy wont listen to them.”)

The writer demonstrates limited voice and style in the essay. (“ These conditions is just how Madam lives in this poem. Can you imagine the frustration in someone's look if they have ask the rent guy many times that the house need repairs. The people that live in these places cant do nothing about that because they don't have the permission of the owner or the money to pay for repairs themselves. They have to get used to this. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Many people back then and even now live in places where you cant take a bath, cant wash their dishes, and have a bad leek in the roof. These conditions is just how Madam lives in this poem. Can you imagine the frustration in someone's look if they have ask the rent guy many times that the house need repairs. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this poem "Madam wont pay the rent even thought its due, because every things broken and needs to be fixed so she refused to pay the rent until the apartment is fixed and brand new. So the rent man said " looked Madam I just collect the rent and then he said please just give me the rent and I will be on my way, but madam still said no you promised to do it. Madam said " the floor squeaks back windows cracked, there's rats in the cellar, and the attic leaks. Madam said " ifs its money you want you're out of luck.

The rent man looked at her like he was confused and frowned and said " I ain't pleased! and madam said " neither am I. So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all. Then the rent man just left the house not saying anything to madam. He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man. The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is not clearly suggested. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state a central/controlling idea. The writer retells events occurring in the poem but does not offer ideas on what Langston Hughes may be trying to convey. (“In this poem ‘Madam wont pay the rent even thought its due, because every things broken and needs to be fixed so she refused to pay the rent until the apartment is fixed and brand new. So the rent man said ‘ looked Madam I just collect the rent and then he said please just give me the rent and I will be on my way, but madam still said no you promised to do it.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to demonstrate an understanding of the poem and the author's message. (“ He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man. The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain his/her understanding of Langston Hughes’s message in the poem. (“ The rent man looked at her like he was confused and frowned and said ‘ I ain't pleased! and madam said ‘ neither am I. So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all. Then the rent man just left the house not saying anything to madam. He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer merely retells the basic plot of the story and neglects to offer any analysis of the author’s intended message. (“The rent man looked at her like he was confused and frowned and said ‘I ain't pleased! and madam said ‘ neither am I. So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all. Then the rent man just left the house not saying anything to madam.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Then the rent man just left the house not saying anything to madam. He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man. The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“Madam said ‘ the floor squeaks back windows cracked, there's rats in the cellar, and the attic leaks. Madam said " ifs its money you want you're out of luck. The rent man looked at her like he was confused and frowned and said ‘ I ain't pleased! and madam said ‘ neither am I. So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In this poem "Madam wont pay the rent even thought its due, because every things broken and needs to be fixed so she refused to pay the rent until the apartment is fixed and brand new.”)

Body paragraphs are not created to support what the writer believes to be Langston Hughes’s message in the poem. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“So the rent man said ‘ looked Madam I just collect the rent and then he said please just give me the rent and I will be on my way, but madam still said no you promised to do it. Madam said ‘ the floor squeaks back windows cracked, there's rats in the cellar, and the attic leaks. Madam said ‘ ifs its money you want you're out of luck.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay; additionally, it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man. The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him.”)

There is repetition. (“ The rent man looked at her like he was confused and frowned and said ‘ I ain't pleased! and madam said ‘ neither am I. So the rent man and madam were both not pleased and he was supposed to come and fix up the house but he didn't and they both was not pleased at all.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ He was clearly not have to fix the house. Do the rent man. The rent man did not come to talk about fixing the house he just came to collect the rent money that madam was suppose to pay him. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poem,'' Madam and the Rent Man,'' the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet.She's not suppose to pay money for that. The Author did not pay for broken things in the house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not adhere to a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what message the writer is emphasizing from the text. The response is unfocused, and supporting details are glaringly inadequate. (“ In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet.She's not suppose to pay money for that. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“She's not suppose to pay money for that. The Author did not pay for broken things in the house.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet.She's not suppose to pay money for that. The Author did not pay for broken things in the house.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the meaning of the author’s poem, but the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“ In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ She's not suppose to pay money for that. ”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet.She's not suppose to pay money for that. The Author did not pay for broken things in the house.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay entails. (“ In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet.She's not suppose to pay money for that. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a discernible conclusion. (“ The Author did not pay for broken things in the house. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short and choppy. (“ She's not suppose to pay money for that. The Author did not pay for broken things in the house.”)

The writer does not establish strong voice. (“ The lady didn't pay the rent because the sink was broken,the water doesn't run, and he didn't do anything yet. ”)

Word choices are very simple and do not contribute to creating an effective message for the intended audience . (“ In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ In the poem,’ Madam and the Rent Man,’ the message the Author is trying to vonvey is to take care of your things. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Magical Water in Tuck Everlasting

Members of the Tuck family are divided in their opinions on being able to live forever. Jesse would like Winnie to drink from the magical spring and live forever with him at the age of seventeen. Jesse's father, Angus, warns Winnie that living forever is not a perfect life. If you were Winnie, how would you have made your choice about drinking the magical water?

In a well-developed essay, discuss how you would have made your decision on whether or not to drink the magical water from the spring. Include details from the story to support your choice.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"That's what we are, us Tucks, stuck. We ain't part of the wheel no more. Dropped off, left behind." Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that examines eternal living. Why would you want to stay the same forever? At first, this may have sounded like a wondrous dream that is only possible in the story books, but when you think about it, living forever is really a nightmare. I will show you why this supposed blessing is really a curse in disguise. The Tuck family has an enormous secret that they are trying hard to keep: They drank from a magical spring that prevents them from dying. Suddenly, 10-year-old Winnie Foster stumbles across their secret. Trouble surfaces when a mysterious man in a yellow suit trails the family and threatens to market the spring water. Examining our impulsive actions reminds us to think before we do.

"Life is all around us, moving, growing, and changing. Never the same two minutes together." Would you really trade changing and growing for immortality? We weren't made for living forever, it is not natural. Humans were born to lead a good life, change in the process, and eventually, die. Admittedly, never dying does seem like a pretty amazing option. You can take bigger risks and experience more life without the worry of dying. Regardless of those tempting options, you would never be the same. Life in the same body forever, without change, is truly dreadful. You would wish you were dead in heaven.

"Life cannot exist without death." If no one ever died, the world would overpopulate. Resources would run out quickly. Earth would be in chaos. New life would enter this world and old life would never leave. Elderly people would stay old forever and the children would stay young. You might think that if you and your loved ones are together, why not live forever? If everyone thought that, life itself would lose its precious worth because no one could die. If everyone lived forever, you would all be wishing to die. "My wife said I sold my soul to the devil same with our friends." Your friends and family would slowly die around you, but you would be eternally stuck on this Earth. They would think of you as a freak or a witch and pull away from you. "Why not make them drink from the magical spring and make them immortal too?" Winnie asked. Why would you torture them with the horrors of living forever? If you really loved them, do not make them suffer.

"The wheel would keep on turning but the people would have turned into rocks beside the road." Animals, bugs, and everything around you would keep changing but humans would just watch like a passing bystander. They would not take part in growing or even living. People would be completely off the wheel of life. "Cause they wouldn't know until after. That that would be too late." We don't know how terrible it is to live forever until it actually happens. Many people do not realize that forever is permanent. There is no going back or undoing your choice of immortality. You would look the same until the end of the world.

"The water-it stops you right where you are. If you drank some right now, you'd stay a little girl forever." To conclude, Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that portrays immortality. Would you want to stop changing and growing to live forever? Impulsively, you might answer yes right away. Once you give the matter some thought, eternal living is not a gift to be treasured. Take Angus and Miles Tuck for example. They drank from a magical spring that enabled them to live forever. They are trying to explain to 10-year-old Winnie Foster why never dying is truly a curse. A strange man finds out about this secret and wants to bottle and sell the secret water. Understanding the advice of others helps us realize the right decisions we should make.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. He/she establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspectives of the characters through a central/controlling idea.

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt and the literary selection. He/she provides insightful reasons for denying oneself the magical water and uses direct quotations from the text for support. (“’The wheel would keep on turning but the people would have turned into rocks beside the road.’ Animals, bugs, and everything around you would keep changing but humans would just watch like a passing bystander. They would not take part in growing or even living. People would be completely off the wheel of life. ‘Cause they wouldn't know until after. That that would be too late.’ We don't know how terrible it is to live forever until it actually happens. Many people do not realize that forever is permanent. There is no going back or undoing your choice of immortality. You would look the same until the end of the world.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“‘Life is all around us, moving, growing, and changing. Never the same two minutes together.’ Would you really trade changing and growing for immortality? We weren't made for living forever, it is not natural. Humans were born to lead a good life, change in the process, and eventually, die. Admittedly, never dying does seem like a pretty amazing option. You can take bigger risks and experience more life without the worry of dying. Regardless of those tempting options, you would never be the same. Life in the same body forever, without change, is truly dreadful. You would wish you were dead in heaven.”)

The language of the thesis statement fits the examples very effectively. (“‘ Life cannot exist without death.’ If no one ever died, the world would overpopulate. Resources would run out quickly. Earth would be in chaos. New life would enter this world and old life would never leave. Elderly people would stay old forever and the children would stay young. You might think that if you and your loved ones are together, why not live forever? If everyone thought that, life itself would lose its precious worth because no one could die. If everyone lived forever, you would all be wishing to die. ‘My wife said I sold my soul to the devil same with our friends.’ Your friends and family would slowly die around you, but you would be eternally stuck on this Earth.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides very effective content and development. He/she develops the main ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story. (“‘Life cannot exist without death.’ If no one ever died, the world would overpopulate. Resources would run out quickly. Earth would be in chaos. New life would enter this world and old life would never leave. Elderly people would stay old forever and the children would stay young. You might think that if you and your loved ones are together, why not live forever? If everyone thought that, life itself would lose its precious worth because no one could die.”)

The writer includes dialogue that directly relates to the prompt. (“‘The wheel would keep on turning but the people would have turned into rocks beside the road.’ Animals, bugs, and everything around you would keep changing but humans would just watch like a passing bystander. They would not take part in growing or even living. People would be completely off the wheel of life. ‘Cause they wouldn't know until after. That that would be too late.’ We don't know how terrible it is to live forever until it actually happens. Many people do not realize that forever is permanent. There is no going back or undoing your choice of immortality. You would look the same until the end of the world.”)

The writer includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“If everyone lived forever, you would all be wishing to die. ‘My wife said I sold my soul to the devil same with our friends.’ Your friends and family would slowly die around you, but you would be eternally stuck on this Earth. They would think of you as a freak or a witch and pull away from you. ‘Why not make them drink from the magical spring and make them immortal too?’ Winnie asked. Why would you torture them with the horrors of living forever? If you really loved them, do not make them suffer.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing ideas in a very effective way. He/she demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as an effective use of transitions throughout.

The introduction captures the readers’ attention by describing the storyline and suggesting a lesson that may be learned from the scenario. (“‘ That's what we are, us Tucks, stuck. We ain't part of the wheel no more. Dropped off, left behind.’ Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that examines eternal living. Why would you want to stay the same forever? At first, this may have sounded like a wondrous dream that is only possible in the story books, but when you think about it, living forever is really a nightmare. I will show you why this supposed blessing is really a curse in disguise. The Tuck family has an enormous secret that they are trying hard to keep: They drank from a magical spring that prevents them from dying. Suddenly, 10-year-old Winnie Foster stumbles across their secret. Trouble surfaces when a mysterious man in a yellow suit trails the family and threatens to market the spring water. Examining our impulsive actions reminds us to think before we do.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“‘ Life is all around us, moving, growing, and changing. Never the same two minutes together.’ Would you really trade changing and growing for immortality? We weren't made for living forever, it is not natural. Humans were born to lead a good life, change in the process, and eventually, die. Admittedly, never dying does seem like a pretty amazing option. You can take bigger risks and experience more life without the worry of dying. Regardless of those tempting options, you would never be the same. Life in the same body forever, without change, is truly dreadful. You would wish you were dead in heaven.”)

The writer demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“‘ The water-it stops you right where you are. If you drank some right now, you'd stay a little girl forever.’ To conclude, Tuck Everlasting, by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that portrays immortality. Would you want to stop changing and growing to live forever? Impulsively, you might answer yes right away. Once you give the matter some thought, eternal living is not a gift to be treasured. Take Angus and Miles Tuck for example. They drank from a magical spring that enabled them to live forever. They are trying to explain to 10-year-old Winnie Foster why never dying is truly a curse. A strange man finds out about this secret and wants to bottle and sell the secret water. Understanding the advice of others helps us realize the right decisions we should make.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer provides precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“‘ The wheel would keep on turning but the people would have turned into rocks beside the road.’ Animals, bugs, and everything around you would keep changing but humans would just watch like a passing bystander. They would not take part in growing or even living. People would be completely off the wheel of life. ‘Cause they wouldn't know until after. That that would be too late.’ We don't know how terrible it is to live forever until it actually happens. Many people do not realize that forever is permanent. There is no going back or undoing your choice of immortality.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the gravity of a decision such as choosing to live forever, so that by the end of the essay, the readers understand that the decision to drink the magical water is not one to be taken lightly. (“‘ Life cannot exist without death.’ If no one ever died, the world would overpopulate. Resources would run out quickly. Earth would be in chaos. New life would enter this world and old life would never leave. Elderly people would stay old forever and the children would stay young. You might think that if you and your loved ones are together, why not live forever? If everyone thought that, life itself would lose its precious worth because no one could die. If everyone lived forever, you would all be wishing to die.”)

The writer’s word choice and descriptive details add to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“‘Life is all around us, moving, growing, and changing. Never the same two minutes together.’ Would you really trade changing and growing for immortality? We weren't made for living forever, it is not natural. Humans were born to lead a good life, change in the process, and eventually, die. Admittedly, never dying does seem like a pretty amazing option. You can take bigger risks and experience more life without the worry of dying. Regardless of those tempting options, you would never be the same. Life in the same body forever, without change, is truly dreadful. You would wish you were dead in heaven.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ You might think that if you and your loved ones are together, why not live forever? If everyone thought that, life itself would lose its precious worth because no one could die. If everyone lived forever, you would all be wishing to die.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Stone walls do not make a prison, or iron bars a cage." Tuck Everlasting is a fantasy by Natalie Babbitt that examines living forever. Winnie Foster is a 10 year old girl who feels she's always being observed by her family. One day she decides to run away from her perfect family and make a difference in the world. But while in her family's wood, she discovers a boy named Jesse and learns about the story of the Tuck’s never- ending secret.

"We just are, we just be, like rocks beside the road." The Tuck's are trapped in time, never being able to escape from the world or themselves. I would not want to live forever because you would have to be considered a freak and have to live by yourself forever. Also, you would have to watch as everyone you knew died. "It stops you right where you are. If you drank it today you'd be a little girl forever." The Tuck's are trying to persuade Winnie as much as they can to not drink the water. That relates to me because if I drank the water right now, I would be a kid forever and never get to experience adulthood.

"I don't deserve any blessings, if it is a blessing." Angus Tuck hates living forever and the one thing he wants to do is die. I wouldn't want to live forever because I'd have to watch the end of life and everything I love pass away. There would be no point to life if we overcame the same challenges over and over and we experienced the same things we enjoy over and over. "The rowboats stuck, it would be here forever if someone didn't let it loose, just like us the Tuck's." Angus keeps giving references that relate to him and his family to make it relevant to Winnie that once you drink the water, there's no going back to being normal.

Finally, I would not want to live forever because I would miss being normal. "Everything is a wheel, turning and turning never stopping." Angus Tuck is explaining to Winnie about the circle of life and how things naturally keep going in whatever circle, whether it is the food chain circle or the circle of a car wheel. If I was ridiculed for being everlasting and was accused of black magic or anything close to that, I would want even more to die and wish I had never drunk the everlasting water. "We'd all be squeezed in right next to each other." Miles is telling how if everything couldn't die, we would all be packed in together in the world. If this was true, and everyone could live forever, it would be terrible because we would run out of resources, food, and other things we need to survive.

"It was best when no one knew about the spring." Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that studies living forever. Winnie learns so much after her adventure with the Tuck's and understands her decision of drinking the water or not drinking it. After learning the story of the Tuck's and what challenges they have to deal with every day, it helps put things into perspective for Winnie and makes her decision of whether she wants to live forever or not pretty clear.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides good focus and meaning. He/she establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a central/controlling idea.

The writer chooses to focus on quotes from different characters to support his/her decision about drinking the magical water. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps the same focus throughout the essay. (“ ‘We'd all be squeezed in right next to each other.’ Miles is telling how if everything couldn't die, we would all be packed in together in the world. If this was true, and everyone could live forever, it would be terrible because we would run out of resources, food, and other things we need to survive. ”)

The writer includes details that emphasize specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, as well as ideas that connect the prompt to the text. (“‘ The rowboats stuck, it would be here forever if someone didn't let it loose, just like us the Tuck's.’ Angus keeps giving references that relate to him and his family to make it relevant to Winnie that once you drink the water, there's no going back to being normal. ”)

The writer stays focused on the central/controlling idea with details about the many reasons why drinking the magical water would not be a good idea in the end. (“ Finally, I would not want to live forever because I would miss being normal. ‘Everything is a wheel, turning and turning never stopping.’ Angus Tuck is explaining to Winnie about the circle of life and how things naturally keep going in whatever circle, whether it is the food chain circle or the circle of a car wheel. If I was ridiculed for being everlasting and was accused of black magic or anything close to that, I would want even more to die and wish I had never drunk the everlasting water.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development in the essay response. He/she develops ideas using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text for support.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“‘ We just are, we just be, like rocks beside the road.’ The Tuck's are trapped in time, never being able to escape from the world or themselves. I would not want to live forever because you would have to be considered a freak and have to live by yourself forever. Also, you would have to watch as everyone you knew died. ‘It stops you right where you are. If you drank it today you'd be a little girl forever.’ The Tuck's are trying to persuade Winnie as much as they can to not drink the water. That relates to me because if I drank the water right now, I would be a kid forever and never get to experience adulthood. ”)

The writer includes relevant dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“‘I don't deserve any blessings, if it is a blessing.’ Angus Tuck hates living forever and the one thing he wants to do is die. I wouldn't want to live forever because I'd have to watch the end of life and everything I love pass away. There would be no point to life if we overcame the same challenges over and over and we experienced the same things we enjoy over and over. ‘The rowboats stuck, it would be here forever if someone didn't let it loose, just like us the Tuck's.’ Angus keeps giving references that relate to him and his family to make it relevant to Winnie that once you drink the water, there's no going back to being normal. ”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the paragraph's topic sentence. (“‘Everything is a wheel, turning and turning never stopping.’ Angus Tuck is explaining to Winnie about the circle of life and how things naturally keep going in whatever circle, whether it is the food chain circle or the circle of a car wheel. If I was ridiculed for being everlasting and was accused of black magic or anything close to that, I would want even more to die and wish I had never drunk the everlasting water.”)

Organization

The writer provides good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitions assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer uses a quotation from the text to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“‘ Stone walls do not make a prison, or iron bars a cage.’ Tuck Everlasting is a fantasy by Natalie Babbitt that examines living forever. Winnie Foster is a 10 year old girl who feels she's always being observed by her family. One day she decides to run away from her perfect family and make a difference in the world. But while in her family's wood, she discovers a boy named Jesse and learns about the story of the Tuck’s never- ending secret. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“‘ We just are, we just be, like rocks beside the road.’ The Tuck's are trapped in time, never being able to escape from the world or themselves. I would not want to live forever because you would have to be considered a freak and have to live by yourself forever. Also, you would have to watch as everyone you knew died. ‘It stops you right where you are. If you drank it today you'd be a little girl forever.’ The Tuck's are trying to persuade Winnie as much as they can to not drink the water. That relates to me because if I drank the water right now, I would be a kid forever and never get to experience adulthood. ”)

The writer demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“‘ It was best when no one knew about the spring.’ Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that studies living forever. Winnie learns so much after her adventure with the Tuck's and understands her decision of drinking the water or not drinking it. After learning the story of the Tuck's and what challenges they have to deal with every day, it helps put things into perspective for Winnie and makes her decision of whether she wants to live forever or not pretty clear. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits good use of language, voice, and style. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Angus Tuck is explaining to Winnie about the circle of life and how things naturally keep going in whatever circle, whether it is the food chain circle or the circle of a car wheel. If I was ridiculed for being everlasting and was accused of black magic or anything close to that, I would want even more to die and wish I had never drunk the everlasting water. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ Angus Tuck hates living forever and the one thing he wants to do is die. I wouldn't want to live forever because I'd have to watch the end of life and everything I love pass away. There would be no point to life if we overcame the same challenges over and over and we experienced the same things we enjoy over and over. ‘The rowboats stuck, it would be here forever if someone didn't let it loose, just like us the Tuck's.’ Angus keeps giving references that relate to him and his family to make it relevant to Winnie that once you drink the water, there's no going back to being normal. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“‘ It was best when no one knew about the spring.’ Tuck Everlasting, written by Natalie Babbitt, is a fantasy that studies living forever. Winnie learns so much after her adventure with the Tuck's and understands her decision of drinking the water or not drinking it. After learning the story of the Tuck's and what challenges they have to deal with every day, it helps put things into perspective for Winnie and makes her decision of whether she wants to live forever or not pretty clear. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with communication of the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The Tuck's are trapped in time, never being able to escape from the world or themselves. I would not want to live forever because you would have to be considered a freak and have to live by yourself forever. Also, you would have to watch as everyone you knew died. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"I have a choice. Should I drink from the spring and live forever? Should I not drink from the spring and have a normal life?" If I was Winnie and had a choice whether to drink the magical spring water like Jesse Tuck said to or to not drink the spring water like Angus Tuck said to, I would have chosen to drink from the spring water like Jesse Tuck said to. I would do this because then I could live on with Jesse, the one I want to marry and live on forever. Another reason I would do this is because I would make Jesse Tuck gleeful and if I didn't do this, I would make him miserable for the rest of his life. I would do this also because I could watch the world evolve through time and I could live a life without worrying about getting hurt or dying. This is why I would choose to drink from the mystical spring like Jesse said to, opposed choose to not drink from the spring like Angus said to.

"Winnie, why not think about it? You and I could see the whole world together." If I choose to drink from the spring, I could live on with the one love of my life, Jesse Tuck. We could merrily become engaged, gleefully become married and happily live forever together. We could see the whole world together like it had been his dream to. We could travel together to places we haven't seen. We'd have all the time in the world to be together and do what we wanted to do. We could even have our own little family, and then Mae and Angus Tuck would have grandchildren again. This is one reason why I would choose to drink from the spring water.

"Jesse will be heartbroken." If I don't drink from the spring and eventually die, I would break Jesse's heart. He would be sitting at home waiting for me to come and get married to him, and then when he finds out I died, he would be crushed under misery and woe. I would also be crushed for hurting my true love, and I could probably never live with myself. I would also never be able to see or meet Jesse again. This is another reason why I would choose to drink from the spring.

"We could watch the time pass by without ever needing to worry about time running out." If I chose to drink from the spring water and go on to live forever and ever, I could watch times, along with the world, evolve. I could also live life worry-free without ever having to worry about getting hurt or dying. I could perform dangerous stunts and not even care about getting injured. I could even perform risky stunts that no man was never even daring enough to try. I can already imagine the fun I would be having if I drink from the magical spring! This is another reason that I would choose to drink from the spring.

This is why I would drink from the mystical spring and live forever like Jesse Tuck had said to. The spring that holds many undiscovered secrets and powers would give me an opportunity to live forever and ever with my beloved Jesse. The magical spring would also give me an opportunity to fulfill Jesse's dreams and make him joyful forever. The mysterious spring would also give me a wondrous opportunity to live life to the fullest by living carefree and not worrying about injuries or death. This is why I would drink from the spring like Jesse Tuck advised if I had the option to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer adequately communicates an understanding of the prompt and the literary selection. He/she asserts an opinion about drinking the magical water and provides adequate details for the readers to imagine the scenario in their minds. (“‘We could watch the time pass by without ever needing to worry about time running out.’ If I chose to drink from the spring water and go on to live forever and ever, I could watch times, along with the world, evolve. I could also live life worry-free without ever having to worry about getting hurt or dying. I could perform dangerous stunts and not even care about getting injured. I could even perform risky stunts that no man was never even daring enough to try. I can already imagine the fun I would be having if I drink from the magical spring!”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout his/her writing. The writer focuses on the reasoning provided by Jesse in the story and imagines Winnie’s decision-making process. (“‘Winnie, why not think about it? You and I could see the whole world together.’ If I choose to drink from the spring, I could live on with the one love of my life, Jesse Tuck. We could merrily become engaged, gleefully become married and happily live forever together. We could see the whole world together like it had been his dream to. We could travel together to places we haven't seen. We'd have all the time in the world to be together and do what we wanted to do. We could even have our own little family, and then Mae and Angus Tuck would have grandchildren again. This is one reason why I would choose to drink from the spring water.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The spring that holds many undiscovered secrets and powers would give me an opportunity to live forever and ever with my beloved Jesse. The magical spring would also give me an opportunity to fulfill Jesse's dreams and make him joyful forever. The mysterious spring would also give me a wondrous opportunity to live life to the fullest by living carefree and not worrying about injuries or death. This is why I would drink from the spring like Jesse Tuck advised if I had the option to.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides adequate content and development. He/she develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“‘Winnie, why not think about it? You and I could see the whole world together.’ If I choose to drink from the spring, I could live on with the one love of my life, Jesse Tuck. We could merrily become engaged, gleefully become married and happily live forever together. We could see the whole world together like it had been his dream to. We could travel together to places we haven't seen. We'd have all the time in the world to be together and do what we wanted to do. We could even have our own little family, and then Mae and Angus Tuck would have grandchildren again. This is one reason why I would choose to drink from the spring water.”)

The writer includes quotations (by or about the main characters) from the text. (“‘Winnie, why not think about it? You and I could see the whole world together.’ If I choose to drink from the spring, I could live on with the one love of my life, Jesse Tuck.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“‘Jesse will be heartbroken.’ If I don't drink from the spring and eventually die, I would break Jesse's heart. He would be sitting at home waiting for me to come and get married to him, and then when he finds out I died, he would be crushed under misery and woe. I would also be crushed for hurting my true love, and I could probably never live with myself. I would also never be able to see or meet Jesse again. This is another reason why I would choose to drink from the spring.”)

Organization

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ "I have a choice. Should I drink from the spring and live forever? Should I not drink from the spring and have a normal life?" If I was Winnie and had a choice whether to drink the magical spring water like Jesse Tuck said to or to not drink the spring water like Angus Tuck said to, I would have chosen to drink from the spring water like Jesse Tuck said to.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitions are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“‘ We could watch the time pass by without ever needing to worry about time running out.’ If I chose to drink from the spring water and go on to live forever and ever, I could watch times, along with the world, evolve. I could also live life worry-free without ever having to worry about getting hurt or dying. I could perform dangerous stunts and not even care about getting injured. I could even perform risky stunts that no man was never even daring enough to try. I can already imagine the fun I would be having if I drink from the magical spring! This is another reason that I would choose to drink from the spring.”)

The writer demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ This is why I would drink from the mystical spring and live forever like Jesse Tuck had said to. The spring that holds many undiscovered secrets and powers would give me an opportunity to live forever and ever with my beloved Jesse. The magical spring would also give me an opportunity to fulfill Jesse's dreams and make him joyful forever. The mysterious spring would also give me a wondrous opportunity to live life to the fullest by living carefree and not worrying about injuries or death. This is why I would drink from the spring like Jesse Tuck advised if I had the option to. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits an adequate use of language, voice, and style. Although it includes appropriate language, word choice, awareness of audience, and control of voice, it does lack sentence variety. The writer should restructure his/her sentences to avoid repetitive phrases such as “I would” and “We could.”

The writer should provide more varied sentences. Many of the sentences begin with “I” and “We,” which contributes to a repetitive quality in the essay. (“ If I don't drink from the spring and eventually die, I would break Jesse's heart. He would be sitting at home waiting for me to come and get married to him, and then when he finds out I died, he would be crushed under misery and woe. I would also be crushed for hurting my true love, and I could probably never live with myself. I would also never be able to see or meet Jesse again. This is another reason why I would choose to drink from the spring.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she argues the reasons for drinking the magical water. (“‘ We could watch the time pass by without ever needing to worry about time running out.’ If I chose to drink from the spring water and go on to live forever and ever, I could watch times, along with the world, evolve. I could also live life worry-free without ever having to worry about getting hurt or dying. I could perform dangerous stunts and not even care about getting injured. I could even perform risky stunts that no man was never even daring enough to try. I can already imagine the fun I would be having if I drink from the magical spring! This is another reason that I would choose to drink from the spring. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“‘ Winnie, why not think about it? You and I could see the whole world together.’ If I choose to drink from the spring, I could live on with the one love of my life, Jesse Tuck. We could merrily become engaged, gleefully become married and happily live forever together. We could see the whole world together like it had been his dream to. We could travel together to places we haven't seen. We'd have all the time in the world to be together and do what we wanted to do. We could even have our own little family, and then Mae and Angus Tuck would have grandchildren again. This is one reason why I would choose to drink from the spring water.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“‘ Jesse will be heartbroken.’ If I don't drink from the spring and eventually die, I would break Jesse's heart. He would be sitting at home waiting for me to come and get married to him, and then when he finds out I died, he would be crushed under misery and woe.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I were Winnie, it would have been extremely difficult to decide whether or not to drink the water from the magical spring in the wood. I would have had to think it over thoroughly and make a list of the pros and cons of being immortal. I would have to see if the good things outweighed the bad things. It would be hard to know for sure if it was the best decision and once it was made, if the decision was to drink the water, it would not be able to be changed. I would keep thinking about what Tuck, Jessie, Miles, and Mae said and how they felt about being immortal.

There would be some benefits of having imortality. I could survive the worst accidents. I would be able to take a lot of death defieng risks. Because of the fear of not losing anything I could save chidren from burning buildings.These positive thing would realy make an impact on Winnie's life.

This could be a very tough desion to make because there could be some very negative coments. I think Winnie would get lonely living such a secrative life.Winnie would have to face watching her family members die. Every day Winnie would look in the mirror and he raperence would never change. Most of all couldent have any friends because they would get suspitios of her immortality.

If I were Winnie I would keep in mind about what Angus said. He said he diden't feel lik he was part of life. Angus seemed gloomy about this, and he was evan jelous about the mysteries stranger being killed.Then I would think about what Jesse said, it was about having fun and living together forever, literaly.Jesse seemed very exited and realy wanted Winnie to drink the magic sping water.

The story ended because Winnie poured the magic spring water on the toad.I think she poured the magic water on the ugly toad because she enjoyed the toads company, and she wanted to see if the water realy mae somone immortal. I think she made the right desion. Being lonely, evan with Jesse, would get boring. I know if I was Winnie I wouldn't want to live forever.I thought being immortal would be fasinating at first, but now I know it's a drag. I would never want to be immortal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides limited focus and meaning. He/she conducts a basic analysis of the text and makes a few connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer provides a limited central/controlling idea. (“It would be hard to know for sure if it was the best decision and once it was made, if the decision was to drink the water, it would not be able to be changed. I would keep thinking about what Tuck, Jessie, Miles, and Mae said and how they felt about being immortal.”)

The writer communicates his/her understanding of the prompt and the literary selection in a limited way. By exploring the positive and negative aspects of drinking the magical water, the writer attempts to satisfy some criteria of the task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“There would be some benefits of having imortality. I could survive the worst accidents. I would be able to take a lot of death defieng risks. Because of the fear of not losing anything I could save chidren from burning buildings.These positive thing would realy make an impact on Winnie's life.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The story ended because Winnie poured the magic spring water on the toad.I think she poured the magic water on the ugly toad because she enjoyed the toads company, and she wanted to see if the water realy mae somone immortal. I think she made the right desion. Being lonely, evan with Jesse, would get boring. I know if I was Winnie I wouldn't want to live forever.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development of ideas. He/she develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using only a few specific and accurate pieces of evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer includes some details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, as well as ideas that connect the prompt to the text. (“If I were Winnie I would keep in mind about what Angus said. He said he diden't feel lik he was part of life. Angus seemed gloomy about this, and he was evan jelous about the mysteries stranger being killed.Then I would think about what Jesse said, it was about having fun and living together forever, literaly.Jesse seemed very exited and realy wanted Winnie to drink the magic sping water.”)

The writer does not include quotations (by or about the main characters) from the text. (“If I were Winnie I would keep in mind about what Angus said. He said he diden't feel lik he was part of life. Angus seemed gloomy about this, and he was evan jelous about the mysteries stranger being killed.Then I would think about what Jesse said, it was about having fun and living together forever, literaly.Jesse seemed very exited and realy wanted Winnie to drink the magic sping water.”)

The writer does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate his/her main ideas. (“There would be some benefits of having imortality. I could survive the worst accidents. I would be able to take a lot of death defieng risks. Because of the fear of not losing anything I could save chidren from burning buildings.These positive thing would realy make an impact on Winnie's life.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but the essay lacks effective paragraphing and transitions.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ If I were Winnie, it would have been extremely difficult to decide whether or not to drink the water from the magical spring in the wood. I would have had to think it over thoroughly and make a list of the pros and cons of being immortal. I would have to see if the good things outweighed the bad things. It would be hard to know for sure if it was the best decision and once it was made, if the decision was to drink the water, it would not be able to be changed. I would keep thinking about what Tuck, Jessie, Miles, and Mae said and how they felt about being immortal. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitions to help connect ideas. (“ This could be a very tough desion to make because there could be some very negative coments. I think Winnie would get lonely living such a secrative life.Winnie would have to face watching her family members die. Every day Winnie would look in the mirror and he raperence would never change. Most of all couldent have any friends because they would get suspitios of her immortality. ”) Using transitions (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to restate the writer’s opinion and does not summarize or give the readers much to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ The story ended because Winnie poured the magic spring water on the toad.I think she poured the magic water on the ugly toad because she enjoyed the toads company, and she wanted to see if the water realy mae somone immortal. I think she made the right desion. Being lonely, evan with Jesse, would get boring. I know if I was Winnie I wouldn't want to live forever.I thought being immortal would be fasinating at first, but now I know it's a drag. I would never want to be immortal. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits limited language use and style. It reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice, but relies heavily on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

Some sentences are short and choppy. (“ There would be some benefits of having imortality. I could survive the worst accidents. I would be able to take a lot of death defieng risks. ”)

The writer attempts an informative approach at times, but the style of writing is too weak and difficult to follow. (“ There would be some benefits of having imortality. I could survive the worst accidents. I would be able to take a lot of death defieng risks. Because of the fear of not losing anything I could save chidren from burning buildings.These positive thing would realy make an impact on Winnie's life. This could be a very tough desion to make because there could be some very negative coments. I think Winnie would get lonely living such a secrative life.Winnie would have to face watching her family members die. Every day Winnie would look in the mirror and he raperence would never change. Most of all couldent have any friends because they would get suspitios of her immortality. ”)

Many of the sentences in the essay have weak structure, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ If I were Winnie I would keep in mind about what Angus said. He said he diden't feel lik he was part of life. Angus seemed gloomy about this, and he was evan jelous about the mysteries stranger being killed.Then I would think about what Jesse said, it was about having fun and living together forever, literaly.Jesse seemed very exited and realy wanted Winnie to drink the magic sping water.”)

There is repetition in the essay, and many of the sentences begin the same way. For example, the writer relies heavily on phrases such as “I would” and lacks the sentence variety necessary to effectively communicate to the intended audience. (“I would have had to think it over thoroughly and make a list of the pros and cons of being immortal. I would have to see if the good things outweighed the bad things. It would be hard to know for sure if it was the best decision and once it was made, if the decision was to drink the water, it would not be able to be changed. I would keep thinking about what Tuck, Jessie, Miles, and Mae said and how they felt about being immortal.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with communication of the writer's message.

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book Tuck Everlasting, a caritor mame winnie has a problem. She is faced with a choice to drink from the magical spring or not to but if you drink you live forever. I would of faced chalenge if i would have or not drink from the spring. my frist reason is would i actually like to live forever. my second is why would i live for ever. my last reason is how would they tell if i lived forever. in my oppion If i was her i would drink from the magical spring. my first reason is that would i actually whant to live foever. My answer is yes because i could see the wourls. Get shot and not die. jump off biuldineg and not die or break any bones.

i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden. my second reason is why would i like to live forever. because i coul see al the presidents, also i could see my chirlden have chirlden. another reason is i culd se my childs weding's. third reasn is i could see what my child life turns out to be, also i could see the rest of my life and what it would look like if die and if i did not. it would be cool if i could live for ever. my third reason is that how could they tell if i lived forever. If i lived forever would the doctors wonder why i am not ageing. Would i get tested for me not aging. Also how would i tell my mom that i am not ageing. How would i tell me wife why i am not ageing.

In concluion this is whu i would like to live forever. It would b fun to live forever. Also you gould how would u tell your wife or mom. My third reason it you gould break any bones andnot die. My last reason is why people shoul live forever. In conclusion this is why i would like to live forever

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning. A central/controlling idea is suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose or intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions his/her preference for living forever; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the essay is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“another reason is i culd se my childs weding's. third reasn is i could see what my child life turns out to be, also i could see the rest of my life and what it would look like if die and if i did not. it would be cool if i could live for ever. my third reason is that how could they tell if i lived forever. If i lived forever would the doctors wonder why i am not ageing. Would i get tested for me not aging. Also how would i tell my mom that i am not ageing. How would i tell me wife why i am not ageing.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant or convincing details from the text. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas about living forever. (“In the book Tuck Everlasting, a caritor mame winnie has a problem. She is faced with a choice to drink from the magical spring or not to but if you drink you live forever. I would of faced chalenge if i would have or not drink from the spring. my frist reason is would i actually like to live forever. my second is why would i live for ever. my last reason is how would they tell if i lived forever. in my oppion If i was her i would drink from the magical spring. my first reason is that would i actually whant to live foever.”)

The writer does not provide examples from the text to support and explain his/her main ideas. (“ i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden. my second reason is why would i like to live forever. because i coul see al the presidents, also i could see my chirlden have chirlden. another reason is i culd se my childs weding's.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides minimal content and development. He/she develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The writer fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the question of living forever but falls short on delivering enough content from the text to help the readers understand the story’s scenario and its implications. (“… i could see what my child life turns out to be, also i could see the rest of my life and what it would look like if die and if i did not. it would be cool if i could live for ever. my third reason is that how could they tell if i lived forever. If i lived forever would the doctors wonder why i am not ageing.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden. my second reason is why would i like to live forever. because i coul see al the presidents, also i could see my chirlden have chirlden. another reason is i culd se my childs weding's. third reasn is i could see what my child life turns out to be, also i could see the rest of my life and what it would look like if die and if i did not. it would be cool if i could live for ever.”)

Unorganized and incoherent ideas contribute to a weak essay response. (“my last reason is how would they tell if i lived forever. in my oppion If i was her i would drink from the magical spring. my first reason is that would i actually whant to live foever. My answer is yes because i could see the wourls. Get shot and not die. jump off biuldineg and not die or break any bones. i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden. my second reason is why would i like to live forever. because i coul see al the presidents, also i could see my chirlden have chirlden.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates minimal organization. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitions.

The writer does not provide a strong introduction. (“ In the book Tuck Everlasting, a caritor mame winnie has a problem. She is faced with a choice to drink from the magical spring or not to but if you drink you live forever. I would of faced chalenge if i would have or not drink from the spring. my frist reason is would i actually like to live forever. my second is why would i live for ever. my last reason is how would they tell if i lived forever. in my oppion If i was her i would drink from the magical spring. my first reason is that would i actually whant to live foever. My answer is yes because i could see the wourls. Get shot and not die. jump off biuldineg and not die or break any bones. ”)

Effective transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“my third reason is that how could they tell if i lived forever. If i lived forever would the doctors wonder why i am not ageing. Would i get tested for me not aging. Also how would i tell my mom that i am not ageing. How would i tell me wife why i am not ageing.”)

The writer does not provide a strong conclusion. (“ In concluion this is whu i would like to live forever. It would b fun to live forever. Also you gould how would u tell your wife or mom. My third reason it you gould break any bones andnot die. My last reason is why people shoul live forever. In conclusion this is why i would like to live forever ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language use and word choice and little awareness of audience. He/she commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden. my second reason is why would i like to live forever. because i coul see al the presidents, also i could see my chirlden have chirlden. another reason is i culd se my childs weding's.”)

Poor sentence structure detracts from the effectiveness of the writer's message. (“ My answer is yes because i could see the wourls. Get shot and not die. jump off biuldineg and not die or break any bones. i would out live my mom and dad, mu chirlden.”)

The essay is repetitive. (“ it would be cool if i could live for ever. my third reason is that how could they tell if i lived forever. If i lived forever would the doctors wonder why i am not ageing. Would i get tested for me not aging. Also how would i tell my mom that i am not ageing. How would i tell me wife why i am not ageing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer's message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“ In the book Tuck Everlasting, a caritor mame winnie has a problem. She is faced with a choice to drink from the magical spring or not to but if you drink you live forever. I would of faced chalenge if i would have or not drink from the spring. my frist reason is would i actually like to live forever. my second is why would i live for ever. my last reason is how would they tell if i lived forever. in my oppion If i was her i would drink from the magical spring. ”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. But if you start to think about it, ther are some bad things about drinking the water like you wold be the only one in the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides inadequate focus and meaning and fails to support assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, he/she makes no connections between the task, ideas, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea.

The writer does not provide an effective central/controlling idea. The essay is unfocused and contains brief, unorganized ideas. (“ If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. ”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“But if you start to think about it, ther are some bad things about drinking the water like you wold be the only one in the world.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the essay does not contain relevant or convincing details from the text. (“ And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides inadequate content and development. The essay lacks effective development of ideas and shows no meaningful references to the text.

The writer fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt to the text. The writer attempts to address whether he/she would want to live forever but does not develop the idea in any way. (“ So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. ”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. But if you start to think about it, ther are some bad things about drinking the water like you wold be the only one in the world.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitions to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. ”)

T ransitions are not used to help connect ideas. (“ And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. ”) Using transitions (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The writer does not provide a strong conclusion. (“ But if you start to think about it, ther are some bad things about drinking the water like you wold be the only one in the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. ”)

Sentences are not structured well; this contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the task. (“ So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. But if you start to think about it, ther are some bad things about drinking the water like you wold be the only one in the world.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ If i were Winnie I would shose to wait till Im 17 so that then I would drink the water and live forever with Jesse. And because she would never get wrinkled or old or die. So yeah i would drink the magic water so that way i can get married with sombody and have kids and get a job and go to where ever i want to go. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

My Brother Sam is Dead by James L. Collier

Imagine that you were a character in My Brother Sam is Dead . You have witnessed many of the monumental events that took place in the novel.

Write a letter to a friend in which you describe one of these major events. Be sure to include specific details from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Cousin,

In these past few months, indescribable and horrendous proceedings have taken place right in my hometown. Perhaps the most horrifying of them all was the killing of Captain Betts, Mr. Rogers, and many others. This ghastly event, part of which took place right in front of my house, shall haunt me forever.

It was a deceivingly cheerful morning on April 26th. The sun was shining, and the sky was cloudless. As you know, my father has been captured by the Rebels. Since then, I have taken up many of the responsibilities needed around the tavern. For example: chopping wood, cleaning the barn, and pitching hay. However, because of the rising cost of every item needed for the business, I usually was working in the garden. So, on that fateful day, I was peacefully working in the garden beside the kitchen when I heard the distant sound of rumbling. It sounded a lot like thunder, and my stomach began to tie itself up in knots. Leaving my spade on the ground, I rushed out to the front of the tavern to take a look. Distant thuds and echoes could be heard over from behind the church. All at once, I saw Samuel Smith's slave, Ned, come sprinting up the road. Captain Betts popped his head out his door and shouted above the din, "What is it, Ned?"

"British troops, Captain," Ned shouted as he ran by. The reply turned Mr. Bett's face ashen white, and he abruptly turned back in his house, and shouted to Jerry, a ten-year old boy, "Quick, get Mr. Rogers here." Jerry scampered off. "What do you think they're doing, Captain Betts?" I asked. "It won't be anything good. There are a lot of them." Upon hearing this, I ducked back into the house.

Minutes later, dust clouds swarmed on the road, and the noise grew more and more loud. Around the bend of the road, came the Redcoats. First, there came a young drummer, then the standard bearer, then the officers, and finally the marching men. They looked so sharp, muskets in the air, the sun glinting off the assortment of belts and buckles on their bright red uniforms. The contrast between them and the ragtag Continental soldiers was shocking. Every man had a well stocked pack and not a button out of place. Descending like a huge wave, the men marched into the training grounds and broke formation. Just then, Jerry Sanford and Mr. Rogers raced down the road, hair flying with the wind, and dashed into Captain Bett's house. After a while, the British officers dismounted and entered the house of Mr. Heron. Minutes passed. Suddenly, Mr. Heron's door crashed open. An officer roused up some soldiers, and then raced toward Mr. Bett's house. My heart sank as I realized what was about to happen. The soldiers were models of efficiency, as if they had done this before. Using their rifle butts as rams, they smashed down Captain Bett's door. Sounds of a scuffle came out, and five minutes later, a much bruised Mr. Rogers, harried Captain Betts, and terrified Jerry were marched out to the training ground. Jerry's face was a deadly white, and he could not stop his lip from trembling. I was not allowed to watch what happened to them.

The horror was not yet over. As the soldiers were reassembling into a block, a Rebel messenger galloped up the road. Spotting the British troops, he turned his horse around, and raced to the opposite direction. The poor man never had a chance. Shots rang out, and the messenger jerked like a puppet with tangled strings. Falling from his horse, he lay on the road, unmoving. Treating the man as a piece of road kill, the Redcoats completely ignored the injured man, and marched right past him. Afterwards, I ran with some others to give the messenger medical aid. The man was lying on his stomach, with his face turned to the side. His shirt was torn, and soaked with blood. "Meeker," Mr. Read said, "Go up to Doctor Hobart's house and tell him we've got a wounded man down here." I did as he bid me, and ran for all I was worth down the road. Racing among the fields, I heard gunshots from Captain Starr's house. Crouched behind a stone column, I watched British soldiers were shooting into the building, and the Rebels were returning fire. Fusillade after fusillade rang out, and then the British officer raised his sword. Bayonets flashing with a deadly light, the Redcoats stormed the building. "Kill them," an officer shouted. Spying from an open window, I witnessed everything. The horror was unimaginable. The Redcoats handled their bayonets with unerring aim. Colonist after colonist fell. The officer's glistening sword flashed with untraceable speed, and wrecked havoc. Ned's life was ended under its razor-sharp blade. After the destruction, British soldiers carried two heavy objects, which I believe to be the bodies of Captain Bett's and Mr. Rogers, into the house. Then the house was set on fire. The glow sent waves of terror through my heart.

One other important event took place in the winter before Father was captured. A company of Patriot soldiers came to Redding . While chopping wood, I heard the pounding of hooves. After a while, around the bend of the road came a band of Patriots, with an officer in front. The company wasn't very big, just twenty or so people. Hiding among the trees, I saw the officer and three other people entering the tavern. Thinking that they were just getting something to drink, I relaxed. But not for long. Soon, shouting could be heard, coming from the tavern! I sprinted to the tavern, and peeked through the door. What I saw frightened me. Father was pinned by two soldiers, while a third had his sword unsheathed, and threatening. Mother was not able to help, for a fourth soldier had his rifle out. The officer with the sword yelled, "We know you have a weapon, Meeker. Where is it?” Of course Father didn't know where his gun was, because Sam had taken it to join the army.

"I don't have it anymore." Father yelled, "My loyal son Samuel stole it to go play soldier boy."

The officer laughed cruelly, and said, "Come now, I'm not going to believe that story." Father continued to state the truth, that Sam had taken his gun, but the officer refused to believe him, and slashed Father's cheek. By then, I knew what I had to do. I ran to get Sam, who at that time was at Tom Warrups' house, and attempted to get the gun back. Entering Tom Warrups' hut, I saw that Sam was fast asleep, with the gun tucked under his arm. Slowly, I managed to move his arm, and take the gun. Racing across the fields, Sam caught up, and yelled," For God's sake, Tim, give me that before you hurt yourself." Naturally, I refused to give up the gun, and we wrestled in the snow. Sam was bigger, stronger, faster than me, and in the end, he managed to get the gun back. However, I did convince him to go back to the tavern with me. By the time we got back home, the Continentals had left, and though we had tried to be discreet, Father saw Sam. For many minutes they just stood there, staring at each other.

"Sam," Father said," Come back, Sam." But my brother did not heed him, and ran off through the freezing snow.

Though Father wished me to be a Tory, the British raid had greatly shocked me. Nevertheless, the actions of the Continental soldiers were also despicable. Only future events can sway my opinion; as Father used to say, "In war, the dead pay the debts for the living."

Sincerely,

Tim

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“It was a deceivingly cheerful morning on April 26th. The sun was shining, and the sky was cloudless. As you know, my father has been captured by the Rebels. Since then, I have taken up many of the responsibilities needed around the tavern. For example: chopping wood, cleaning the barn, and pitching hay. However, because of the rising cost of every item needed for the business, I usually was working in the garden. So, on that fateful day, I was peacefully working in the garden beside the kitchen when I heard the distant sound of rumbling. It sounded a lot like thunder, and my stomach began to tie itself up in knots.”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“In these past few months, indescribable and horrendous proceedings have taken place right in my hometown. Perhaps the most horrifying of them all was the killing of Captain Betts, Mr. Rogers, and many others. This ghastly event, part of which took place right in front of my house, shall haunt me forever.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Minutes later, dust clouds swarmed on the road, and the noise grew more and more loud. Around the bend of the road, came the Redcoats. First, there came a young drummer, then the standard bearer, then the officers, and finally the marching men. They looked so sharp, muskets in the air, the sun glinting off the assortment of belts and buckles on their bright red uniforms. The contrast between them and the ragtag Continental soldiers was shocking. Every man had a well stocked pack and not a button out of place. Descending like a huge wave, the men marched into the training grounds and broke formation.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“All at once, I saw Samuel Smith's slave, Ned, come sprinting up the road. Captain Betts popped his head out his door and shouted above the din, ‘What is it, Ned?’ ‘British troops, Captain,’ Ned shouted as he ran by. The reply turned Mr. Bett's face ashen white, and he abruptly turned back in his house, and shouted to Jerry, a ten-year old boy, ‘Quick, get Mr. Rogers here.’ Jerry scampered off. ‘What do you think they're doing, Captain Betts?’ I asked. ‘It won't be anything good. There are a lot of them.’ Upon hearing this, I ducked back into the house.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“One other important event took place in the winter before Father was captured. A company of Patriot soldiers came to Redding . While chopping wood, I heard the pounding of hooves. After a while, around the bend of the road came a band of Patriots, with an officer in front. The company wasn't very big, just twenty or so people. Hiding among the trees, I saw the officer and three other people entering the tavern. Thinking that they were just getting something to drink, I relaxed. But not for long. Soon, shouting could be heard, coming from the tavern! I sprinted to the tavern, and peeked through the door. What I saw frightened me. Father was pinned by two soldiers, while a third had his sword unsheathed, and threatening. Mother was not able to help, for a fourth soldier had his rifle out. The officer with the sword yelled, ‘We know you have a weapon, Meeker. Where is it?’ Of course Father didn't know where his gun was, because Sam had taken it to join the army.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“I ran to get Sam, who at that time was at Tom Warrups' house, and attempted to get the gun back. Entering Tom Warrups' hut, I saw that Sam was fast asleep, with the gun tucked under his arm. Slowly, I managed to move his arm, and take the gun. Racing across the fields, Sam caught up, and yelled," For God's sake, Tim, give me that before you hurt yourself." Naturally, I refused to give up the gun, and we wrestled in the snow. Sam was bigger, stronger, faster than me, and in the end, he managed to get the gun back.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the unpredictable nature of the war. (“ Dear Cousin, In these past few months, indescribable and horrendous proceedings have taken place right in my hometown. Perhaps the most horrifying of them all was the killing of Captain Betts, Mr. Rogers, and many others. This ghastly event, part of which took place right in front of my house, shall haunt me forever. It was a deceivingly cheerful morning on April 26th. The sun was shining, and the sky was cloudless. As you know, my father has been captured by the Rebels. Since then, I have taken up many of the responsibilities needed around the tavern. For example: chopping wood, cleaning the barn, and pitching hay. However, because of the rising cost of every item needed for the business, I usually was working in the garden. So, on that fateful day, I was peacefully working in the garden beside the kitchen when I heard the distant sound of rumbling. It sounded a lot like thunder, and my stomach began to tie itself up in knots.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ While chopping wood, I heard the pounding of hooves. After a while, around the bend of the road came a band of Patriots, with an officer in front. The company wasn't very big, just twenty or so people. Hiding among the trees, I saw the officer and three other people entering the tavern. Thinking that they were just getting something to drink, I relaxed. But not for long. Soon, shouting could be heard, coming from the tavern!”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ By the time we got back home, the Continentals had left, and though we had tried to be discreet, Father saw Sam. For many minutes they just stood there, staring at each other. ‘Sam,’ Father said, ‘Come back, Sam.’ But my brother did not heed him, and ran off through the freezing snow. Though Father wished me to be a Tory, the British raid had greatly shocked me. Nevertheless, the actions of the Continental soldiers were also despicable. Only future events can sway my opinion; as Father used to say, ‘In war, the dead pay the debts for the living.’ Sincerely, Tim”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Tim’s life during this wartime period. (“ The horror was not yet over. As the soldiers were reassembling into a block, a Rebel messenger galloped up the road. Spotting the British troops, he turned his horse around, and raced to the opposite direction. The poor man never had a chance. Shots rang out, and the messenger jerked like a puppet with tangled strings. Falling from his horse, he lay on the road, unmoving. Treating the man as a piece of road kill, the Redcoats completely ignored the injured man, and marched right past him. Afterwards, I ran with some others to give the messenger medical aid. The man was lying on his stomach, with his face turned to the side. His shirt was torn, and soaked with blood.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer, as Tim, slowly paints a picture of the indescribable horrors of the war for the readers, so that by the end of the letter, the readers understand why the young man was unable to choose a side to support. (“ Though Father wished me to be a Tory, the British raid had greatly shocked me. Nevertheless, the actions of the Continental soldiers were also despicable. Only future events can sway my opinion; as Father used to say, ‘In war, the dead pay the debts for the living.’”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Minutes later, dust clouds swarmed on the road, and the noise grew more and more loud. Around the bend of the road, came the Redcoats. First, there came a young drummer, then the standard bearer, then the officers, and finally the marching men. They looked so sharp, muskets in the air, the sun glinting off the assortment of belts and buckles on their bright red uniforms. The contrast between them and the ragtag Continental soldiers was shocking. Every man had a well stocked pack and not a button out of place. Descending like a huge wave, the men marched into the training grounds and broke formation.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The officer laughed cruelly, and said, ‘Come now, I'm not going to believe that story.’ Father continued to state the truth, that Sam had taken his gun, but the officer refused to believe him, and slashed Father's cheek. By then, I knew what I had to do. I ran to get Sam, who at that time was at Tom Warrups' house, and attempted to get the gun back. Entering Tom Warrups' hut, I saw that Sam was fast asleep, with the gun tucked under his arm. Slowly, I managed to move his arm, and take the gun. Racing across the fields, Sam caught up, and yelled,’ For God's sake, Tim, give me that before you hurt yourself.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear James,

This is your grandmother writing to you and I am going to tell you about my life during the war between America and England . First, I am going to tell you about your Uncle Sam coming home and telling us that he had just joined the Continental Army. Then I am going to tell you about your grandfather and how his life was during this terrible war. And finally, I am going to tell you about your father watching Uncle Sam getting executed.

In the beginning, we sent Uncle Sam off to college at Yale University . He came in the front door dressed in some sort of uniform. He marched into our tavern very proud, and stated to us that he had joined the Continental Army and that he wanted to help free us from England . He told us that he and his friends at Yale joined it right after the Son's of Liberty dumped a whole ship load of tea into the Boston Harbor . He was also involved in the battle at Lexington and Concord . But, when he started badmouthing the British Army and calling them Lobster Backs, your grandfather got upset. He told Uncle Sam to stop his nonsense about the war. So he and his brother Tim, your father, went into the barn to do their normal chores. When they were done, Uncle Sam talked to his father while Tim went upstairs to bed. Your grandfather and Sam started yelling at each other. Then Uncle Sam lost his temper because grandfather told him to go away until he got his head straight. So he ran away from his home and his family. Later that night, he came back to get his father's only gun, the Brown Bess.

After all of the commotion, Tim had to go back to doing all of the chores himself. Around November every year, Uncle Sam and grandfather took a yearly trip to Verplanks Point. But sense Sam was not there and there was no other grown-up to take with him, it was the first year that grandfather had to take Tim. So in the middle of November, Tim and his father rounded up there cattle and started off to Verplanks Point. And since they did not have a gun, it was very dangerous because of the robbers and of the cowboys. But they went anyway. On their way there though, they ran into some cowboys, but luckily, some people came along and ran them away. They also escorted Timmy and his father to Verplanks Point. But on their way back, grandfather got taken away by some cowboys to a prison ship, but it was an English prison ship. But Tim scared them away when they came back for the goods that they were carrying back. He told them that there was going to be an ambush, and the got scared and ran off. It was about twelve o'clock when he arrived at the tavern and told me about grandfather. He then took over the responsibility of his father's, his brother's, and his duties to run the tavern and do all of the chores. Of course I helped, but there was only so much I could do. In June of the next year, we found out that grandfather was dead. He had been dead for a month.

Around three years later, Uncle Sam was accused of stealing cattle from us, his own family. The court found him guilty and sentenced him to an execution! Tim and I pleaded and told our side of the story, about how we had been sitting and talking to him and then about how we heard a loud "thump" coming from the barn, but General Putman wouldn't budge. Uncle Sam was going to be shot, and an eighteen year old was going to be hung because he stole some bread. I had refused to go to the execution, but Tim was going to watch. The Sunday before the execution, there was a mass. I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to, but Tim went. He had to leave early because he couldn't stand being in a place where he and his brother were there just five years ago, so he left. The night before the execution, he was determined to help his brother out of the prison that he was in. He tried to give him a weapon to break out of jail but, he nor anybody else that was about to be killed the next day was in there. They had moved them from that prison into another prison cell. The next day, Tim went down to see the execution. First the person who stole the bread was going to be hung. They had a bag over his head so that he could not see. Mr. Beach came and said a prayer over the poor man, and then they hung him. Next, it was Uncle Sam's turn to be executed. He too had a bag over his head so that he could not see when they were going to shoot him. Mr. Beach, again, said a prayer over Sam, then three soldiers pushed him into an empty space. They all had muskets which they held up so close to Uncle Sam that when one of them fired, Uncle Sam's clothes were on fire. After the first shoot, he fell to the ground like someone had pushed him down. He laid there jerking, until another soldier shot again. Sam stopped jerking.

In my life time, I've had two men taken away from me because of the war: my husband Life, your grandfather, and my oldest son Sam, your uncle. I still tell you stories of your uncle and grandfather of how they were headstrong, but brave. In the end though, my husband had died from a disease on a British prison ship even though he was a Tory, and my oldest son was executed for stealing cattle even though he had caught the people who did do it, but I guess that the judge decided that he was guilty and the real guilty people were innocent. I have still lived a long, and for the most part, a happy life too. I'm just glad that I at least have my last son, your father, Tim, left and that I live a great life with him.

Sincerely Yours,

Grandma Meeker

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the momentous events that occurred in the lives of the Meekers from the perspective of Susannah, as an old woman, reflecting back before her grandson was even born. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ This is your grandmother writing to you and I am going to tell you about my life during the war between America and England . First, I am going to tell you about your Uncle Sam coming home and telling us that he had just joined the Continental Army. Then I am going to tell you about your grandfather and how his life was during this terrible war. And finally, I am going to tell you about your father watching Uncle Sam getting executed.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ In the beginning, we sent Uncle Sam off to college at Yale University . He came in the front door dressed in some sort of uniform. He marched into our tavern very proud, and stated to us that he had joined the Continental Army and that he wanted to help free us from England . He told us that he and his friends at Yale joined it right after the Son's of Liberty dumped a whole ship load of tea into the Boston Harbor . He was also involved in the battle at Lexington and Concord . But, when he started badmouthing the British Army and calling them Lobster Backs, your grandfather got upset. He told Uncle Sam to stop his nonsense about the war.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the events that led up to the conflict between father and son, and the subsequent outcomes of their individual participation in opposite sides of a bloody war. (“ In the end though, my husband had died from a disease on a British prison ship even though he was a Tory, and my oldest son was executed for stealing cattle even though he had caught the people who did do it, but I guess that the judge decided that he was guilty and the real guilty people were innocent. I have still lived a long, and for the most part, a happy life too. I'm just glad that I at least have my last son, your father, Tim, left and that I live a great life with him.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The next day, Tim went down to see the execution. First the person who stole the bread was going to be hung. They had a bag over his head so that he could not see. Mr. Beach came and said a prayer over the poor man, and then they hung him. Next, it was Uncle Sam's turn to be executed. He too had a bag over his head so that he could not see when they were going to shoot him. Mr. Beach, again, said a prayer over Sam, then three soldiers pushed him into an empty space. They all had muskets which they held up so close to Uncle Sam that when one of them fired, Uncle Sam's clothes were on fire. After the first shoot, he fell to the ground like someone had pushed him down. He laid there jerking, until another soldier shot again. Sam stopped jerking.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ In the beginning, we sent Uncle Sam off to college at Yale University . He came in the front door dressed in some sort of uniform. He marched into our tavern very proud, and stated to us that he had joined the Continental Army and that he wanted to help free us from England . He told us that he and his friends at Yale joined it right after the Son's of Liberty dumped a whole ship load of tea into the Boston Harbor . He was also involved in the battle at Lexington and Concord . But, when he started badmouthing the British Army and calling them Lobster Backs, your grandfather got upset. He told Uncle Sam to stop his nonsense about the war.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“So in the middle of November, Tim and his father rounded up there cattle and started off to Verplanks Point. And since they did not have a gun, it was very dangerous because of the robbers and of the cowboys. But they went anyway. On their way there though, they ran into some cowboys, but luckily, some people came along and ran them away. They also escorted Timmy and his father to Verplanks Point. But on their way back, grandfather got taken away by some cowboys to a prison ship, but it was an English prison ship. But Tim scared them away when they came back for the goods that they were carrying back. He told them that there was going to be an ambush, and the got scared and ran off. It was about twelve o'clock when he arrived at the tavern and told me about grandfather. He then took over the responsibility of his father's, his brother's, and his duties to run the tavern and do all of the chores. Of course I helped, but there was only so much I could do. In June of the next year, we found out that grandfather was dead. He had been dead for a month.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ This is your grandmother writing to you and I am going to tell you about my life during the war between America and England . First, I am going to tell you about your Uncle Sam coming home and telling us that he had just joined the Continental Army. Then I am going to tell you about your grandfather and how his life was during this terrible war. And finally, I am going to tell you about your father watching Uncle Sam getting executed.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ After all of the commotion, Tim had to go back to doing all of the chores himself. Around November every year, Uncle Sam and grandfather took a yearly trip to Verplanks Point. But sense Sam was not there and there was no other grown-up to take with him, it was the first year that grandfather had to take Tim. So in the middle of November, Tim and his father rounded up there cattle and started off to Verplanks Point.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In my life time, I've had two men taken away from me because of the war: my husband Life, your grandfather, and my oldest son Sam, your uncle. I still tell you stories of your uncle and grandfather of how they were headstrong, but brave. In the end though, my husband had died from a disease on a British prison ship even though he was a Tory, and my oldest son was executed for stealing cattle even though he had caught the people who did do it, but I guess that the judge decided that he was guilty and the real guilty people were innocent. I have still lived a long, and for the most part, a happy life too. I'm just glad that I at least have my last son, your father, Tim, left and that I live a great life with him. Sincerely Yours, Grandma Meeker”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ The next day, Tim went down to see the execution. First the person who stole the bread was going to be hung. They had a bag over his head so that he could not see. Mr. Beach came and said a prayer over the poor man, and then they hung him. Next, it was Uncle Sam's turn to be executed. He too had a bag over his head so that he could not see when they were going to shoot him. Mr. Beach, again, said a prayer over Sam, then three soldiers pushed him into an empty space. They all had muskets which they held up so close to Uncle Sam that when one of them fired, Uncle Sam's clothes were on fire.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ In my life time, I've had two men taken away from me because of the war: my husband Life, your grandfather, and my oldest son Sam, your uncle. I still tell you stories of your uncle and grandfather of how they were headstrong, but brave. In the end though, my husband had died from a disease on a British prison ship even though he was a Tory, and my oldest son was executed for stealing cattle even though he had caught the people who did do it, but I guess that the judge decided that he was guilty and the real guilty people were innocent. I have still lived a long, and for the most part, a happy life too. I'm just glad that I at least have my last son, your father, Tim, left and that I live a great life with him. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ After all of the commotion, Tim had to go back to doing all of the chores himself. Around November every year, Uncle Sam and grandfather took a yearly trip to Verplanks Point. But sense Sam was not there and there was no other grown-up to take with him, it was the first year that grandfather had to take Tim. So in the middle of November, Tim and his father rounded up there cattle and started off to Verplanks Point. And since they did not have a gun, it was very dangerous because of the robbers and of the cowboys.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ The Sunday before the execution, there was a mass. I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to, but Tim went. He had to leave early because he couldn't stand being in a place where he and his brother were there just five years ago, so he left. The night before the execution, he was determined to help his brother out of the prison that he was in. He tried to give him a weapon to break out of jail but, he nor anybody else that was about to be killed the next day was in there. They had moved them from that prison into another prison cell. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Jerry Sanford,

Hey Jerry how you been? I have an intriguing and intimate tale to share with you. It all started when Father finished trading our merchandise with a merchant in Verplancks Point. Father was satisfied with the deal he got from the merchant, and we were eager to head home. However, the weather didn't seem welcoming. There were dark clouds in the distance, forewarning a snowstorm.

We set out for home anyway. We hoped to beat the oncoming storm. Unfortunately, the fact that the cow-boys might return worried us. Father didn't know whether to risk running into the cow-boys or to take the long route and face the weather. After giving it much thought Father chose to tackle nature. Even though we chose to take the long route, Father scouted a mile ahead of me to ensure that the cow-boys weren't ahead of us. I trusted that he would keep us safe.

Little did we anticipate the upcoming event the next day. Father was still scouting ahead, while I was dreaming in my own world. I soon realized that Father should've checked up on me by then. I was worried and imaging the worst possible incidents that might have occurred to him. Soon after, I discovered that my father was captured by the cow-boys. I desperately wanted to pursue the cow-boys for kidnapping Father, but I knew my dad would want me to get the cattle home to support Mother. So I obeyed the voice in my head. On the way back to Redding Ridge, the oxen were getting more exhausted by the minute, but I forced them to pull. While passing by one of the towns, I encountered the cow-boys. "I cleared my throat quiet so I wouldn't sound scared." (page 123) Luckily, I came up with a way to fool them. I began bluffing that they were to be my escort through dangerous grounds. Immediately they were frightened by my story and fled. "I felt terrific, because I fooled them" (page 126) I arrived home by midnight, explaining to Mother all that had happened.

I was extremely depressed about Father's kidnapping, but after that experience I felt very proud of myself. I had acted in a responsible matter, as Father would have wished me to do. I also succeeded in tricking the cow-boys. For once in my life, I felt like a real adult, and there is very little more I can ask for. I hope you're having an easier time on the farm. See you soon buddy! Let's go fishing again!

Sincerely,

Tim Meeker

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of Life’s kidnapping and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“Little did we anticipate the upcoming event the next day. Father was still scouting ahead, while I was dreaming in my own world. I soon realized that Father should've checked up on me by then. I was worried and imaging the worst possible incidents that might have occurred to him. Soon after, I discovered that my father was captured by the cow-boys. I desperately wanted to pursue the cow-boys for kidnapping Father, but I knew my dad would want me to get the cattle home to support Mother.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer, speaking as Tim, not only relates the experience of his father’s kidnapping, but his feelings of pride in how he handled himself in the moments following this monumental event. (“While passing by one of the towns, I encountered the cow-boys. ‘I cleared my throat quiet so I wouldn't sound scared.’ (page 123) Luckily, I came up with a way to fool them. I began bluffing that they were to be my escort through dangerous grounds. Immediately they were frightened by my story and fled. ‘I felt terrific, because I fooled them’ (page 126) I arrived home by midnight, explaining to Mother all that had happened. I was extremely depressed about Father's kidnapping, but after that experience I felt very proud of myself. I had acted in a responsible matter, as Father would have wished me to do.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of a letter to divulge the described event, and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“I also succeeded in tricking the cow-boys. For once in my life, I felt like a real adult, and there is very little more I can ask for. I hope you're having an easier time on the farm. See you soon buddy! Let's go fishing again! Sincerely,Tim Meeker”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Little did we anticipate the upcoming event the next day. Father was still scouting ahead, while I was dreaming in my own world. I soon realized that Father should've checked up on me by then. I was worried and imaging the worst possible incidents that might have occurred to him. Soon after, I discovered that my father was captured by the cow-boys. I desperately wanted to pursue the cow-boys for kidnapping Father, but I knew my dad would want me to get the cattle home to support Mother.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“While passing by one of the towns, I encountered the cow-boys. ‘I cleared my throat quiet so I wouldn't sound scared.’ (page 123) Luckily, I came up with a way to fool them. I began bluffing that they were to be my escort through dangerous grounds. Immediately they were frightened by my story and fled. ‘I felt terrific, because I fooled them’ (page 126) I arrived home by midnight, explaining to Mother all that had happened.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“We set out for home anyway. We hoped to beat the oncoming storm. Unfortunately, the fact that the cow-boys might return worried us. Father didn't know whether to risk running into the cow-boys or to take the long route and face the weather. After giving it much thought Father chose to tackle nature. Even though we chose to take the long route, Father scouted a mile ahead of me to ensure that the cow-boys weren't ahead of us. I trusted that he would keep us safe.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. However, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Hey Jerry how you been? I have an intriguing and intimate tale to share with you. It all started when Father finished trading our merchandise with a merchant in Verplancks Point. Father was satisfied with the deal he got from the merchant, and we were eager to head home. However, the weather didn't seem welcoming. There were dark clouds in the distance, forewarning a snowstorm.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ We set out for home anyway. We hoped to beat the oncoming storm. Unfortunately, the fact that the cow-boys might return worried us. Father didn't know whether to risk running into the cow-boys or to take the long route and face the weather. After giving it much thought Father chose to tackle nature. Even though we chose to take the long route, Father scouted a mile ahead of me to ensure that the cow-boys weren't ahead of us. I trusted that he would keep us safe.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ I was extremely depressed about Father's kidnapping, but after that experience I felt very proud of myself. I had acted in a responsible matter, as Father would have wished me to do. I also succeeded in tricking the cow-boys. For once in my life, I felt like a real adult, and there is very little more I can ask for. I hope you're having an easier time on the farm. See you soon buddy! Let's go fishing again!”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Little did we anticipate the upcoming event the next day. Father was still scouting ahead, while I was dreaming in my own world. I soon realized that Father should've checked up on me by then. I was worried and imaging the worst possible incidents that might have occurred to him. Soon after, I discovered that my father was captured by the cow-boys. I desperately wanted to pursue the cow-boys for kidnapping Father, but I knew my dad would want me to get the cattle home to support Mother. So I obeyed the voice in my head. On the way back to Redding Ridge, the oxen were getting more exhausted by the minute, but I forced them to pull. While passing by one of the towns, I encountered the cow-boys. ‘I cleared my throat quiet so I wouldn't sound scared.’ (page 123) Luckily, I came up with a way to fool them.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of the main character, Tim Meeker. (“ I was extremely depressed about Father's kidnapping, but after that experience I felt very proud of myself. I had acted in a responsible matter, as Father would have wished me to do. I also succeeded in tricking the cow-boys. For once in my life, I felt like a real adult, and there is very little more I can ask for. I hope you're having an easier time on the farm. See you soon buddy! Let's go fishing again!”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ We set out for home anyway. We hoped to beat the oncoming storm. Unfortunately, the fact that the cow-boys might return worried us. Father didn't know whether to risk running into the cow-boys or to take the long route and face the weather. After giving it much thought Father chose to tackle nature. Even though we chose to take the long route, Father scouted a mile ahead of me to ensure that the cow-boys weren't ahead of us. I trusted that he would keep us safe.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ Hey Jerry how you been? I have an intriguing and intimate tale to share with you. It all started when Father finished trading our merchandise with a merchant in Verplancks Point. Father was satisfied with the deal he got from the merchant, and we were eager to head home. However, the weather didn't seem welcoming.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Martha Platt,

Hello Martha, how is life treating you I am pretty sure you are doing much better than I am Life has passed away. He had been captured by these cowboys and thrown on to a British prison ship. It was June, there was an epidemic of cholera, and about forty to fifty people had gotten sick and died, including Life. It seems so different without him being here, but I have Timothy here with me Sam is still with the Patriots, Life is gone, and now all I really have is Tim.

Please, if you ever need me for anything, I will be here for you I am afraid that Sam will die in the war Martha General Puttnam is extremely strict and willing to make an example of anybody no matter what bad thing they have done. If Sam does something wrong, no matter how little, he could be the next example! Tim, on the other hand, is starting to mature very fast after all that has happened here in Redding . He takes his responsibilities very seriously, and does his chores without complaining as much as usual. He is blossoming into a mature young adult. I hope he grows up to be like his father, oh how I miss him so!

I think I should stop writing before I drown the paper in my tears. Sorry, but I will write to you again. Just reply to this letter and we shall be able to communicate smoothly. I guess I will be seeing you some other time. Tell me how your life is going. I love all of you!

Love,

Susannah Meeker

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Hello Martha, how is life treating you I am pretty sure you are doing much better than I am Life has passed away.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing to Martha some of the events that have occurred, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“He had been captured by these cowboys and thrown on to a British prison ship. It was June, there was an epidemic of cholera, and about forty to fifty people had gotten sick and died, including Life.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Tim, on the other hand, is starting to mature very fast after all that has happened here in Redding . He takes his responsibilities very seriously, and does his chores without complaining as much as usual.”)

Content & Development

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Tim, on the other hand, is starting to mature very fast after all that has happened here in Redding . He takes his responsibilities very seriously, and does his chores without complaining as much as usual.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Please, if you ever need me for anything, I will be here for you I am afraid that Sam will die in the war Martha General Puttnam is extremely strict and willing to make an example of anybody no matter what bad thing they have done. If Sam does something wrong, no matter how little, he could be the next example!”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Hello Martha, how is life treating you I am pretty sure you are doing much better than I am Life has passed away. He had been captured by these cowboys and thrown on to a British prison ship. It was June, there was an epidemic of cholera, and about forty to fifty people had gotten sick and died, including Life. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Please, if you ever need me for anything, I will be here for you I am afraid that Sam will die in the war Martha General Puttnam is extremely strict and willing to make an example of anybody no matter what bad thing they have done. If Sam does something wrong, no matter how little, he could be the next example! ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to end the letter and does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the correspondence draws to a close. (“ I think I should stop writing before I drown the paper in my tears. Sorry, but I will write to you again. Just reply to this letter and we shall be able to communicate smoothly. I guess I will be seeing you some other time. Tell me how your life is going. I love all of you! ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Please, if you ever need me for anything, I will be here for you I am afraid that Sam will die in the war Martha General Puttnam is extremely strict and willing to make an example of anybody no matter what bad thing they have done. ”)

Although the writer manages to give a sympathetic, almost desperate tone to the main character, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the plight of the character. (“ He is blossoming into a mature young adult. I hope he grows up to be like his father, oh how I miss him so! I think I should stop writing before I drown the paper in my tears. Sorry, but I will write to you again. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay response and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Please, if you ever need me for anything, I will be here for you I am afraid that Sam will die in the war Martha General Puttnam is extremely strict and willing to make an example of anybody no matter what bad thing they have done. If Sam does something wrong, no matter how little, he could be the next example!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ Hello Martha, how is life treating you I am pretty sure you are doing much better than I am Life has passed away. He had been captured by these cowboys and thrown on to a British prison ship. It was June, there was an epidemic of cholera, and about forty to fifty people had gotten sick and died, including Life. It seems so different without him being here, but I have Timothy here with me Sam is still with the Patriots, Life is gone, and now all I really have is Tim. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst. So I told Mom if she didn't want to go look for Sam she didn't have to. She said no you won't go and I said yes I will.

Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother. So I ran and ran until I got to Sam and I ran into a solider and I had killed him.As I was running I was yelling Sam, Sam and I didn't get a response I went on looking for him but, I didn't seem to see him

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the fact that Sam was accused of stealing his own cattle and that subsequently, his brother Tim tries to go and find him. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for how Tim attempts to rescue his brother from the Patriot soldiers. (“Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ So I ran and ran until I got to Sam and I ran into a solider and I had killed him.As I was running I was yelling Sam, Sam and I didn't get a response I went on looking for him but, I didn't seem to see him”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when Sam was accused of stealing his own cattle, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst. So I told Mom if she didn't want to go look for Sam she didn't have to. She said no you won't go and I said yes I will.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst. So I told Mom if she didn't want to go look for Sam she didn't have to. She said no you won't go and I said yes I will. Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother. So I ran and ran until I got to Sam and I ran into a solider and I had killed him.As I was running I was yelling Sam, Sam and I didn't get a response I went on looking for him but, I didn't seem to see him”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions were not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ So I ran and ran until I got to Sam and I ran into a solider and I had killed him.As I was running I was yelling Sam, Sam and I didn't get a response I went on looking for him but, I didn't seem to see him ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Then, after that i got my coat and had left to get a knife from the kitchen and ran out of the house I knew I couldn't risk a solider coming up to me. So I decided to take all through the woods I did but as soon as I got closer to where I though Sam was there were many soldiers and I was thinking to myself ill do whatever I have to do to save my brother.”)

Exact words are missing and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay response. (“ It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst.”)

There is repetition. (“ So I ran and ran until I got to Sam and I ran into a solider and I had killed him.As I was running I was yelling Sam, Sam and I didn't get a response I went on looking for him but, I didn't seem to see him”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ It was a dark and thinking about sam I new that he was going to have to get killed because the soldiers thought that Sam had stole the cattle I though to myself what it would be like if Sam would be gone I though the worst. So I told Mom if she didn't want to go look for Sam she didn't have to. She said no you won't go and I said yes I will. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you. How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The letter is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of Mr. Meeker’s kidnapping, but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you. How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ The last time he went down he went down he did not come back I followd a few footprints and foud dads bag and shoes,'where is my dad.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Dad and I are on ar way to Verplaces ,were about half way there I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the writing task. (“ I hpoe the cattle prices go up more than last year. The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you. How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you. How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“The cattle are cind of geting sick and the horse is getting slower and slower Dad Says hi,and that he loves you. How is Sam doing Sam is the tavern coming well are you helping mom with the tavern. Sam beter not go to the war Dad has been going down a few miles to look out for the cowboys.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Names/Nombres” by Julia Alvarez

In "Names/Nombres," Julia Alvarez describes the various names she received while growing up.

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the main idea of the story. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Accepting Change

Many people every day are struck with drastic changes. Children who start at a new school often feel lost, out of place, and disorientated, as though they are outsiders. Imagine moving not just to a new school but to a new country. In "Names/Nombres," a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, she struggles with her various Americanized nicknames as she comes from the Dominican Republic into the United States. Coming from the Dominican Republic, her name resembles her heritage and culture creating problems as she enters a new environment. Unfortunately, coming from another country eventually makes Julia feel like an outsider as well. "Names/Nombres," although written as a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, can also relate to other instances where someone has to cope with huge changes in their life.

When Julia first arrives in America, her name gets continuously mispronounced. At Immigration, the officer calls Julia's father "Mister Elbures." Julia does not understand how anyone can, "...get Elbures from that orchestra of sound," it is "All-vab-rrr-es." In school, she ponders whether to correct her new friends and teachers when they mispronounce her name. Mrs. Alvarez tells Julia, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," quoting Shakespeare. During this point in the essay, Julia still has a strong connection with her name.

As Julia and her sisters enter high school, they encounter various nicknames from friends and teachers. In high school, Julia becomes popular and it shows through her many nicknames, Jules, Hey Jude, Alcatraz, and Judy. Mauricia, Julia's older sister, has the hardest time getting an American nickname, due to the fact that her name does not translate into English. Ana, Julia's younger sister, has the easiest time. She, "...turned out to be the pale, blond 'American beauty' in the family." Her nicknames, Anita and Anita Banana, given to her by boyfriends are the only Hispanic thing about her. Ironically, Ana is the only non-American daughter in the Alvarez family.

Soon, Julia grows very embarrassed when she is associated with her Dominican background at school. Subsequently, Julia's initial desire to be known by her Dominican name diminishes. All she wants is to blend in with the Sallys and Janes, but her accent and coloring gives her away. Alvarez "...burned with shame whenever they singled me out as a 'foreigner'..." Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. Although, Julia claims her Dominican heritage shows most when her extended family come to school occasions. Julia has a huge family with convoluted relationships when her friends rarely have more than a "Mom and Dad" to introduce.

Changes can be hard, especially when someone has to start over in a new environment with new people. Overcoming the struggle of change and adapting to their new environment is exactly what Julia Alvarez and her family have to do. When Julia moves to America from the Dominican Republic, her new friends and teachers have a difficult time saying her name. As a result, they give her nicknames, such as Juliet, Judy, Jules, Judith, and Alcatraz. Julia must overcome the challenge of adjusting to her new names. Further, she then realizes she prefers her American nicknames in her new setting, but still has to respond to Julia at home. Although change can be challenging, it only makes you stronger. Learning to accept change is an important part of life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she effectively describes some of the more challenging moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“As Julia and her sisters enter high school, they encounter various nicknames from friends and teachers. In high school, Julia becomes popular and it shows through her many nicknames, Jules, Hey Jude, Alcatraz, and Judy. Mauricia, Julia's older sister, has the hardest time getting an American nickname, due to the fact that her name does not translate into English. Ana, Julia's younger sister, has the easiest time. She, ‘...turned out to be the pale, blond 'American beauty' in the family.’ Her nicknames, Anita and Anita Banana, given to her by boyfriends are the only Hispanic thing about her. Ironically, Ana is the only non-American daughter in the Alvarez family.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Changes can be hard, especially when someone has to start over in a new environment with new people. Overcoming the struggle of change and adapting to their new environment is exactly what Julia Alvarez and her family have to do. When Julia moves to America from the Dominican Republic, her new friends and teachers have a difficult time saying her name. As a result, they give her nicknames, such as Juliet, Judy, Jules, Judith, and Alcatraz. Julia must overcome the challenge of adjusting to her new names.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. Although, Julia claims her Dominican heritage shows most when her extended family come to school occasions. Julia has a huge family with convoluted relationships when her friends rarely have more than a "Mom and Dad" to introduce. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“When Julia first arrives in America, her name gets continuously mispronounced. At Immigration, the officer calls Julia's father ‘Mister Elbures.’ Julia does not understand how anyone can, ‘...get Elbures from that orchestra of sound,’ it is ‘All-vab-rrr-es.’ In school, she ponders whether to correct her new friends and teachers when they mispronounce her name. Mrs. Alvarez tells Julia, ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,’ quoting Shakespeare. During this point in the essay, Julia still has a strong connection with her name.”)

The essay contains important details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“All she wants is to blend in with the Sallys and Janes, but her accent and coloring gives her away. Alvarez ‘...burned with shame whenever they singled me out as a 'foreigner'...’ Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. Although, Julia claims her Dominican heritage shows most when her extended family come to school occasions. " Julia has a huge family with convoluted relationships when her friends rarely have more than a Mom and Dad’ to introduce.”)

The writer includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“In ‘Names/Nombres,’ a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, she struggles with her various Americanized nicknames as she comes from the Dominican Republic into the United States. Coming from the Dominican Republic, her name resembles her heritage and culture creating problems as she enters a new environment. Unfortunately, coming from another country eventually makes Julia feel like an outsider as well. ‘Names/Nombres,’ although written as a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, can also relate to other instances where someone has to cope with huge changes in their life.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout the essay response.

The writer captures the readers’ attention in the beginning by describing Julia Alvarez’s situation and connecting the difficulty of life changes as a universal experience. (“Many people every day are struck with drastic changes. Children who start at a new school often feel lost, out of place, and disorientated, as though they are outsiders. Imagine moving not just to a new school but to a new country. In ‘Names/Nombres,’ a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, she struggles with her various Americanized nicknames as she comes from the Dominican Republic into the United States. Coming from the Dominican Republic, her name resembles her heritage and culture creating problems as she enters a new environment. Unfortunately, coming from another country eventually makes Julia feel like an outsider as well. ‘Names/Nombres,’ although written as a personal essay by Julia Alvarez, can also relate to other instances where someone has to cope with huge changes in their life. ”)

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Soon, Julia grows very embarrassed when she is associated with her Dominican background at school. Subsequently, Julia's initial desire to be known by her Dominican name diminishes. All she wants is to blend in with the Sallys and Janes, but her accent and coloring gives her away. Alvarez ‘...burned with shame whenever they singled me out as a 'foreigner'...’ Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. Although, Julia claims her Dominican heritage shows most when her extended family come to school occasions. ”)

The writer includes a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Changes can be hard, especially when someone has to start over in a new environment with new people. Overcoming the struggle of change and adapting to their new environment is exactly what Julia Alvarez and her family have to do. When Julia moves to America from the Dominican Republic, her new friends and teachers have a difficult time saying her name. As a result, they give her nicknames, such as Juliet, Judy, Jules, Judith, and Alcatraz. Julia must overcome the challenge of adjusting to her new names. Further, she then realizes she prefers her American nicknames in her new setting, but still has to respond to Julia at home. Although change can be challenging, it only makes you stronger. Learning to accept change is an important part of life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that illustrated Julia’s struggles to fit in. (“When Julia first arrives in America, her name gets continuously mispronounced. At Immigration, the officer calls Julia's father ‘Mister Elbures.’ Julia does not understand how anyone can, ‘...get Elbures from that orchestra of sound,’ it is ‘All-vab-rrr-es.’ In school, she ponders whether to correct her new friends and teachers when they mispronounce her name. Mrs. Alvarez tells Julia, ‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,’ quoting Shakespeare. During this point in the essay, Julia still has a strong connection with her name. As Julia and her sisters enter high school, they encounter various nicknames from friends and teachers. In high school, Julia becomes popular and it shows through her many nicknames, Jules, Hey Jude, Alcatraz, and Judy. Mauricia, Julia's older sister, has the hardest time getting an American nickname, due to the fact that her name does not translate into English. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the situation that Julia’s family faces in a new country so that by the end of the story, the readers understand the challenges the Alvarez family faced and how they overcame them to create happy, successful lives. (“Changes can be hard, especially when someone has to start over in a new environment with new people. Overcoming the struggle of change and adapting to their new environment is exactly what Julia Alvarez and her family have to do. When Julia moves to America from the Dominican Republic, her new friends and teachers have a difficult time saying her name. As a result, they give her nicknames, such as Juliet, Judy, Jules, Judith, and Alcatraz. Julia must overcome the challenge of adjusting to her new names. Further, she then realizes she prefers her American nicknames in her new setting, but still has to respond to Julia at home. Although change can be challenging, it only makes you stronger. Learning to accept change is an important part of life. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Alvarez ‘...burned with shame whenever they singled me out as a 'foreigner'...’ Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. Although, Julia claims her Dominican heritage shows most when her extended family come to school occasions. Julia has a huge family with convoluted relationships when her friends rarely have more than a ‘Mom and Dad’ to introduce.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“Soon, Julia grows very embarrassed when she is associated with her Dominican background at school. Subsequently, Julia's initial desire to be known by her Dominican name diminishes. All she wants is to blend in with the Sallys and Janes, but her accent and coloring gives her away. Alvarez ‘...burned with shame whenever they singled me out as a 'foreigner'...’ Sometimes, Julia's friends would ask her to say her full name, which according to her custom includes her middle names and her father's and mother's surnames for four generations back. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The short story, "Names, Nombres," by Julia Alvarez is about her family's early years as immigrants to the United States from the Dominican Republic. As a young girl, she discovers that her name tells about her family history and gives her an outlook on who she wants to be growing up. The author's message in this book is to understand why names are important to immigrant families and how cultural differences and language accents can make one feel like an outsider.

Coming from the Dominican Republic, Julia was very much different from the other kids at her school. For instance, she talked different than the other students. Her name also stood out from the "Fred's" and "Sally's". This also illustrates that because of her differences the other kids treated her differently. She believes that other American children do not accept her because of her Hispanic name. This explains why Julia seems reluctant to be open to her heritage. As a result, all of this made Julia feel alienated from other Americans.

Throughout her years as a foreigner, Julia Alvarez's name made a lasting impression on how she acted, thought and made decisions. An example of this is when Julia allows a group of is too afraid to speak up and correct people when they mispronounce her name because she is afraid of what they will say back. This proves that Julia is too afraid to show her feeling because of what others will think. This also demonstrates that the way people interest in your name can show what kind of interest they have in you. As an outcome, Julia doesn't correct her instructors and so called, "friends," when they enunciate her name wrong, making her live her whole life being called by other names.

The people that Julia spent her time with affected the way she treated her family as well as other people and also influenced her lifelong goals and what she wanted to work as when she grows up. Evidence of this is when her own mother is growing apart from her because she starts to cause trouble when she spends time with a certain group of, "bad girls." This represents that by leading her away from her desire to become a book writer, the group of girls gave Julia hesitation of some sort to follow her dreams.

Julia's heritage was a large factor of the way Americans treated her and how she felt about herself as an immigrant. A specimen of this is that Julia feels shame whenever others single her out as a foreigner. Another element of this is that, unlike many other children, she celebrates Sancocho every Sunday which is a meal served to all the relatives in your family that she quoted, "Just as soon go back where they came from and leave me to pursue whatever mischief I wanted in America." This clarifies that Julia is not proud that she is from a different country than all of her peers. This also symbolizes that she does not enjoy her family's large amount of relatives. As a conclusion, Julia starts to spread apart from her surrounding family and after becoming misguided returns to her close bond with them.

In this story, the author wanted her readers to realize that many immigrants take pride in their names, because it displays their cultural importance in ancestral names going generations back in history.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s ideas reflect his/her understanding of the requirements of the prompt task. (“The short story, ‘Names, Nombres,’ by Julia Alvarez is about her family's early years as immigrants to the United States from the Dominican Republic. As a young girl, she discovers that her name tells about her family history and gives her an outlook on who she wants to be growing up. The author's message in this book is to understand why names are important to immigrant families and how cultural differences and language accents can make one feel like an outsider. ”)

The writer includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Throughout her years as a foreigner, Julia Alvarez's name made a lasting impression on how she acted, thought and made decisions. An example of this is when Julia allows a group of is too afraid to speak up and correct people when they mispronounce her name because she is afraid of what they will say back. This proves that Julia is too afraid to show her feeling because of what others will think. This also demonstrates that the way people interest in your name can show what kind of interest they have in you. As an outcome, Julia doesn't correct her instructors and so called, ‘friends,’ when they enunciate her name wrong, making her live her whole life being called by other names. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the struggles of foreigners to fit in a different country. (“Julia's heritage was a large factor of the way Americans treated her and how she felt about herself as an immigrant. A specimen of this is that Julia feels shame whenever others single her out as a foreigner. Another element of this is that, unlike many other children, she celebrates Sancocho every Sunday which is a meal served to all the relatives in your family that she quoted, ‘Just as soon go back where they came from and leave me to pursue whatever mischief I wanted in America.’ This clarifies that Julia is not proud that she is from a different country than all of her peers. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development that connects the main ideas to the text. He/she develops ideas, using appropriate evidence from the story to support the stated thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Coming from the Dominican Republic, Julia was very much different from the other kids at her school. For instance, she talked different than the other students. Her name also stood out from the ‘Fred's’ and ‘Sally's’. This also illustrates that because of her differences the other kids treated her differently. She believes that other American children do not accept her because of her Hispanic name. This explains why Julia seems reluctant to be open to her heritage. As a result, all of this made Julia feel alienated from other Americans.”)

The essay contains specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Another element of this is that, unlike many other children, she celebrates Sancocho every Sunday which is a meal served to all the relatives in your family that she quoted, ‘Just as soon go back where they came from and leave me to pursue whatever mischief I wanted in America.’ This clarifies that Julia is not proud that she is from a different country than all of her peers. This also symbolizes that she does not enjoy her family's large amount of relatives. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Throughout her years as a foreigner, Julia Alvarez's name made a lasting impression on how she acted, thought and made decisions. An example of this is when Julia allows a group of is too afraid to speak up and correct people when they mispronounce her name because she is afraid of what they will say back. This proves that Julia is too afraid to show her feeling because of what others will think. This also demonstrates that the way people interest in your name can show what kind of interest they have in you. As an outcome, Julia doesn't correct her instructors and so called, ‘friends,’ when they enunciate her name wrong, making her live her whole life being called by other names.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay response. The essay reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction contains some background information and a thesis statement. (“The short story, ‘Names, Nombres,’ by Julia Alvarez is about her family's early years as immigrants to the United States from the Dominican Republic. As a young girl, she discovers that her name tells about her family history and gives her an outlook on who she wants to be growing up. The author's message in this book is to understand why names are important to immigrant families and how cultural differences and language accents can make one feel like an outsider. ”)

Subtle transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Throughout her years as a foreigner, Julia Alvarez's name made a lasting impression on how she acted, thought and made decisions. An example of this is when Julia allows a group of is too afraid to speak up and correct people when they mispronounce her name because she is afraid of what they will say back. This proves that Julia is too afraid to show her feeling because of what others will think. This also demonstrates that the way people interest in your name can show what kind of interest they have in you. As an outcome, Julia doesn't correct her instructors and so called, ‘friends,’ when they enunciate her name wrong, making her live her whole life being called by other names. ”)

The writer’s conclusion is too brief, but it manages to leave the readers with a sense of closure. (“In this story, the author wanted her readers to realize that many immigrants take pride in their names, because it displays their cultural importance in ancestral names going generations back in history. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. There is appropriate language and word choice with a strong voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer creates some well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“The people that Julia spent her time with affected the way she treated her family as well as other people and also influenced her lifelong goals and what she wanted to work as when she grows up. Evidence of this is when her own mother is growing apart from her because she starts to cause trouble when she spends time with a certain group of, ‘bad girls.’ This represents that by leading her away from her desire to become a book writer, the group of girls gave Julia hesitation of some sort to follow her dreams. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the essay response. (“Coming from the Dominican Republic, Julia was very much different from the other kids at her school. For instance, she talked different than the other students. Her name also stood out from the ‘Fred's’ and ‘Sally's’. This also illustrates that because of her differences the other kids treated her differently. She believes that other American children do not accept her because of her Hispanic name. This explains why Julia seems reluctant to be open to her heritage. As a result, all of this made Julia feel alienated from other Americans.”)

Sentences are structured well and contain relevant details in some portions of the essay response. (“Another element of this is that, unlike many other children, she celebrates Sancocho every Sunday which is a meal served to all the relatives in your family that she quoted, ‘Just as soon go back where they came from and leave me to pursue whatever mischief I wanted in America.’ This clarifies that Julia is not proud that she is from a different country than all of her peers. This also symbolizes that she does not enjoy her family's large amount of relatives. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“Throughout her years as a foreigner, Julia Alvarez's name made a lasting impression on how she acted, thought and made decisions. An example of this is when Julia allows a group of is too afraid to speak up and correct people when they mispronounce her name because she is afraid of what they will say back. This proves that Julia is too afraid to show her feeling because of what others will think. This also demonstrates that the way people interest in your name can show what kind of interest they have in you. As an outcome, Julia doesn't correct her instructors and so called, ‘friends,’ when they enunciate her name wrong, making her live her whole life being called by other names.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wished you had a different name? Well, this is exactly what happens to Julia Alvarez in the story "Names/Nombres" by Julia Alvarez. People could not pronounce her name right from the moment she stepped foot in New York. People always mispronounced her first and last name. Her exotic name was so different from all the other "Sally's" and "Jane's". However, her life still goes great. In this essay, I will tell you about Julia's experiences, starting at school, then moving on to her family, then finally, her ethnicity, or heritage.

At school, Julia's experiences weren't that bad. In the story, she says on page 29, "By the time I was in high school, I was a popular kid, and it showed in my name. Friends called me "Jules" or "Hey Jude", and once a group of troublemaking friends that my mother forbade me to hang out with called me "Alcatraz". This shows that even though Julia was liked and had many friends, she was still considered an outsider, a foreigner. Julia wanted to be a regular American kid, and wanted her name to be "Judy Alcatraz" and live a normal life. So, at school, her life was okay, a balance between good and bad.

Her family suffered along with Julia, but some had smaller problems and some had bigger problems. On page 29, for example, it mentions her sister Mauricia's troubles: "My older sister had the hardest time getting an American name for herself because Mauricia did not translate into English." Her smaller sister, however, did not share the pain that her older sisters had to bear. On page 30, it says " My little sister, Ana, had the easiest time of all". The rest of her extended family was not embarrassed by their names, though. Julia was embarrassed by them. It says so on page 33: "I suffered most whenever my extended family attended school occasions." Her extended family wore ridiculous suits and fancy funeral dresses, which stood out from all the other suits and skirts worn by the other families. Julia pitied her older sister, and envied her little sister. She also hated it when all her aunts and uncles and cousins attended school events. It seems very different from everyone else's family.

Julia's heritage made her stand out the most. The biggest issue was her name, which it mentions on page 32. "Julia Altagracia Maria Teresa Alvarez Tavares Perello Espaillat Julia Perez Rochet Gonzalez." Her name included her mother and father's names, four generations back. She made jaws drop when she first said it for her friend. It was so different from all the "Sally's" and Jane's" in her school. Julia didn't like being known as the "exotic" friend, the foreigner. She just wanted to fit in with everyone else.

This story follows Julia's experiences through school, home to her family, then digging through her past to her ethnicity. Julia's life turned out awesome in the end. But a name is just a name, something people call you. It has nothing to do with what kind of a person you are inside. It is just a name.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer selects several events to illustrate the difficulties experienced by Julia and her family and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“The rest of her extended family was not embarrassed by their names, though. Julia was embarrassed by them. It says so on page 33: ‘I suffered most whenever my extended family attended school occasions.’ Her extended family wore ridiculous suits and fancy funeral dresses, which stood out from all the other suits and skirts worn by the other families. Julia pitied her older sister, and envied her little sister. She also hated it when all her aunts and uncles and cousins attended school events. It seems very different from everyone else's family.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay response. He/she devotes details to illustrate the challenges Julia and her family share in having mispronounced names due to their cultural heritage. (“In the story, she says on page 29, ‘By the time I was in high school, I was a popular kid, and it showed in my name. Friends called me ‘Jules’ or ‘Hey Jude’, and once a group of troublemaking friends that my mother forbade me to hang out with called me ‘Alcatraz’. This shows that even though Julia was liked and had many friends, she was still considered an outsider, a foreigner. Julia wanted to be a regular American kid, and wanted her name to be ‘Judy Alcatraz’ and live a normal life. So, at school, her life was okay, a balance between good and bad.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Her family suffered along with Julia, but some had smaller problems and some had bigger problems. On page 29, for example, it mentions her sister Mauricia's troubles: ‘My older sister had the hardest time getting an American name for herself because Mauricia did not translate into English.’ Her smaller sister, however, did not share the pain that her older sisters had to bear.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and appropriate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“At school, Julia's experiences weren't that bad. In the story, she says on page 29, ‘By the time I was in high school, I was a popular kid, and it showed in my name. Friends called me ‘Jules’ or ‘Hey Jude’, and once a group of troublemaking friends that my mother forbade me to hang out with called me ‘Alcatraz’. This shows that even though Julia was liked and had many friends, she was still considered an outsider, a foreigner.”)

The writer includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Her smaller sister, however, did not share the pain that her older sisters had to bear. On page 30, it says ‘ My little sister, Ana, had the easiest time of all’. The rest of her extended family was not embarrassed by their names, though. Julia was embarrassed by them. It says so on page 33: ‘I suffered most whenever my extended family attended school occasions.’”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Julia's heritage made her stand out the most. The biggest issue was her name, which it mentions on page 32. ‘Julia Altagracia Maria Teresa Alvarez Tavares Perello Espaillat Julia Perez Rochet Gonzalez.’ Her name included her mother and father's names, four generations back. She made jaws drop when she first said it for her friend. It was so different from all the ‘Sally's’ and Jane's’ in her school. Julia didn't like being known as the ‘exotic’ friend, the foreigner. She just wanted to fit in with everyone else.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay response.

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Have you ever wished you had a different name? Well, this is exactly what happens to Julia Alvarez in the story ‘Names/Nombres’ by Julia Alvarez. People could not pronounce her name right from the moment she stepped foot in New York. People always mispronounced her first and last name. Her exotic name was so different from all the other ‘Sally's’ and ‘Jane's’. However, her life still goes great. In this essay, I will tell you about Julia's experiences, starting at school, then moving on to her family, then finally, her ethnicity, or heritage. ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“Her extended family wore ridiculous suits and fancy funeral dresses, which stood out from all the other suits and skirts worn by the other families. Julia pitied her older sister, and envied her little sister. She also hated it when all her aunts and uncles and cousins attended school events. It seems very different from everyone else's family. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion. (“This story follows Julia's experiences through school, home to her family, then digging through her past to her ethnicity. Julia's life turned out awesome in the end. But a name is just a name, something people call you. It has nothing to do with what kind of a person you are inside. It is just a name. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. The essay contains appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Her extended family wore ridiculous suits and fancy funeral dresses, which stood out from all the other suits and skirts worn by the other families. Julia pitied her older sister, and envied her little sister. She also hated it when all her aunts and uncles and cousins attended school events. It seems very different from everyone else's family. ”)

The writer maintains an adequate voice when describing the struggles Julia experiences trying to fit in with such a long and mispronounced name. (“Julia's heritage made her stand out the most. The biggest issue was her name, which it mentions on page 32. ‘Julia Altagracia Maria Teresa Alvarez Tavares Perello Espaillat Julia Perez Rochet Gonzalez.’ Her name included her mother and father's names, four generations back. She made jaws drop when she first said it for her friend. It was so different from all the ‘Sally's’ and Jane's’ in her school. Julia didn't like being known as the ‘exotic’ friend, the foreigner. She just wanted to fit in with everyone else. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“People always mispronounced her first and last name. Her exotic name was so different from all the other ‘Sally's’ and ‘Jane's’. However, her life still goes great. In this essay, I will tell you about Julia's experiences, starting at school, then moving on to her family, then finally, her ethnicity, or heritage. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated by the use of line breaks. (“Her smaller sister, however, did not share the pain that her older sisters had to bear. On page 30, it says ‘ My little sister, Ana, had the easiest time of all’. The rest of her extended family was not embarrassed by their names, though. Julia was embarrassed by them. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Names/Nombres''

Julia Alvarez

Imagine you and your family arriving from a different place to a new place were your name wasn't pronounce correctly! The story is called "Names/Nombres" and it was written by a powerful author named Julia Alvarez who is telling you about her young life in the United States. Julia and her family were from the Dominican Republic and was arriving to the broader of New York. Julia and her families' name were mispronounce and change when they arrive in their new home. Julia and and her family were upset but scared to correct the people the that mispronounce their name. The moral of "Names/Nombres" is to stand up to the things you believe is right like your name.

The first place that Julia and her family didn't stand up to her name is when she and her family were crossing the broader. When the officer asked for Julia's father name, the officer said, "Mister Elbures" intend of pronoucing it, Mister Alvarez. Her father was scared to correct her pronunciation so he justed accepted. Julia was thinking that moving to America was a bad idea because of the mispronunciation in her father name. Her father should have corrected the officer so now the family must hide their real name and let America decide what their name should be pronouce.

The second place that her family didn't stood up what was right was in the hotel. Her mother change her name to Missus Alburest and her new friends called her "Jew-lee-ah" intended of Hoo-lee-ah. Her father name was change again and now is name in the apartment building is Mister Alberase. Julia name was the last name change in the hotel from Hoo-lee-tah to Julia. Her family didn't stood up the rights of their name in their new home.

The third place that correcting mispronounce names was in the hospital. When Julia's mother was in the hospital to have her sister, Mauricia. Julia's mother was embrassed on the other names and change her name to Maureen, Mauran, or Moor-ree-shee-ah. The other mothers loved all the names expect the name, Mauricia. Her mother was upset of changing the pronounciation of her daughter's name. Her mother didn't stood up of her daughter's name and she shouldn't have listen to the other mothers suggested names.

The final place that Julia did not stood up for her name was in school. Julia friends called her," Judy, Judith, and Juliet". Her friends also gave her nicknames like Jules or hey Jude and her favorite nickname" Judy Alcartraz''. Julia started to like having new names because of Shakespeare's quote" A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Julia may like having new names but she still stood for her real name.

Julia and her family should stand up for what they believe in like their name. My opinion of the story is that the Alvarez family is taht it taught to let people pronounce my name differently but to also correct them as well. My other opinion of the story was well written and had very good grammer. The story, "Names/Nombres", the family should have stood up for their name and rights what they believe in. Thank you for taking your time for reading this.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only a few or vague connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer provides a very limited central/controlling idea. (“The moral of ‘Names/Nombres’ is to stand up to the things you believe is right like your name.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the struggles Julia experiences when people mispronounce her name, there is an attempt to satisfy the requirements of the prompt task. However, the lack of developed details renders the essay limited at best. (“The first place that Julia and her family didn't stand up to her name is when she and her family were crossing the broader. When the officer asked for Julia's father name, the officer said, ‘Mister Elbures’ intend of pronoucing it, Mister Alvarez. Her father was scared to correct her pronunciation so he justed accepted. Julia was thinking that moving to America was a bad idea because of the mispronunciation in her father name. Her father should have corrected the officer so now the family must hide their real name and let America decide what their name should be pronouce.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Julia and her family were from the Dominican Republic and was arriving to the broader of New York. Julia and her families' name were mispronounce and change when they arrive in their new home. Julia and and her family were upset but scared to correct the people the that mispronounce their name.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“The second place that her family didn't stood up what was right was in the hotel. Her mother change her name to Missus Alburest and her new friends called her ‘Jew-lee-ah’ intended of Hoo-lee-ah. Her father name was change again and now is name in the apartment building is Mister Alberase. Julia name was the last name change in the hotel from Hoo-lee-tah to Julia. Her family didn't stood up the rights of their name in their new home.”)

The writer’s ideas are repetitive. (“The third place that correcting mispronounce names was in the hospital. When Julia's mother was in the hospital to have her sister, Mauricia. Julia's mother was embrassed on the other names and change her name to Maureen, Mauran, or Moor-ree-shee-ah. The other mothers loved all the names expect the name, Mauricia. Her mother was upset of changing the pronounciation of her daughter's name. Her mother didn't stood up of her daughter's name and she shouldn't have listen to the other mothers suggested names.”)

The writer’s response to the prompt task would benefit from fuller development of ideas to give the readers a greater sense of the struggles Julia experiences in accepting the names given to her when she moves to the United States. (“The final place that Julia did not stood up for her name was in school. Julia friends called her, ‘ Judy, Judith, and Juliet’. Her friends also gave her nicknames like Jules or hey Jude and her favorite nickname ‘Judy Alcartraz’. Julia started to like having new names because of Shakespeare's quote ‘ A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’ Julia may like having new names but she still stood for her real name.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay response. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks effective paragraphing. The writer uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Imagine you and your family arriving from a different place to a new place were your name wasn't pronounce correctly! The story is called ‘Names/Nombres’ and it was written by a powerful author named Julia Alvarez who is telling you about her young life in the United States.”)

The writer needs to use more t ransitional devices to help connect his/her ideas. (“The third place that correcting mispronounce names was in the hospital. When Julia's mother was in the hospital to have her sister, Mauricia. Julia's mother was embrassed on the other names and change her name to Maureen, Mauran, or Moor-ree-shee-ah. The other mothers loved all the names expect the name, Mauricia. Her mother was upset of changing the pronounciation of her daughter's name. Her mother didn't stood up of her daughter's name and she shouldn't have listen to the other mothers suggested names.”) Using transitional devices will help the writer move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is repetitious, but it gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Julia and her family should stand up for what they believe in like their name. My opinion of the story is that the Alvarez family is taht it taught to let people pronounce my name differently but to also correct them as well. My other opinion of the story was well written and had very good grammer. The story, ‘Names/Nombres’, the family should have stood up for their name and rights what they believe in. Thank you for taking your time for reading this.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. He/she reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. Additionally, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Syntax issues affect meaning in portions of the essay. (“Imagine you and your family arriving from a different place to a new place were your name wasn't pronounce correctly! The story is called ‘Names/Nombres’ and it was written by a powerful author named Julia Alvarez who is telling you about her young life in the United States. Julia and her family were from the Dominican Republic and was arriving to the broader of New York.”)

There is repetition throughout the essay response. The writer is very limited in his/her expression of ideas and needs to employ an assortment of word choices and sentence variety to avoid a repetitious feel to the essay response. (“The third place that correcting mispronounce names was in the hospital. When Julia's mother was in the hospital to have her sister, Mauricia. Julia's mother was embrassed on the other names and change her name to Maureen, Mauran, or Moor-ree-shee-ah. The other mothers loved all the names expect the name, Mauricia. Her mother was upset of changing the pronounciation of her daughter's name. Her mother didn't stood up of her daughter's name and she shouldn't have listen to the other mothers suggested names.”)

There are weak sentence structures in the essay response. (“Julia and her family should stand up for what they believe in like their name. My opinion of the story is that the Alvarez family is taht it taught to let people pronounce my name differently but to also correct them as well. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated by the use of line breaks. (“When the officer asked for Julia's father name, the officer said, ‘Mister Elbures’ intend of pronoucing it, Mister Alvarez. Her father was scared to correct her pronunciation so he justed accepted. Julia was thinking that moving to America was a bad idea because of the mispronunciation in her father name.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

When you read the story "Names nombres," it tells about names people change or mispronounce names. Like when julia and her family crossed the boarder o the U.S and the immigration officer said "Elbures but really Julia's name that she grew up with was something totally different. When go to another country sometimes your name might change cause they speak another language, or say something differently. like wen Julia's moms friends came over and called julia jew-lee-ah instead of hoo-lee-tah.

Kinda like wen julia went to school and her teachers called her judy or judith. Mabey sometimes they might go a little farther and call them something different but more advanced like by chance judith. So it'll be mispronounced sometimes cause of they way people speak or were there from.

If you have a long name or a weird thing u like or do sometimes people will give you a nick name. Like when julia was in high school he close friends would call her jude or jules or like some kids her mom didn't like so much would call her Alcatraz. She was only her original name hoo-lee-tah to her mom and dad. Nick names can be a good thing and a bad one to. The good thing is it makes it easier to say your name to people who don't know you, But the bad thing is if your so use to your nick name that you never really go by your frist name, then wen u need to put your name one something like a drivers license or air plane pass port then u have to put your original name. Nick names can come from anything from shortaning your name from somethin weird or funny you do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state a central/controlling idea. He/she mentions the problems associated with the mispronunciation of family names. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“When go to another country sometimes your name might change cause they speak another language, or say something differently. like wen Julia's moms friends came over and called julia jew-lee-ah instead of hoo-lee-tah.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of the audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make any of the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not contain enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the difficulties Julia faces when people do not pronounce her family’s names correctly. (“If you have a long name or a weird thing u like or do sometimes people will give you a nick name. Like when julia was in high school he close friends would call her jude or jules or like some kids her mom didn't like so much would call her Alcatraz. She was only her original name hoo-lee-tah to her mom and dad. Nick names can be a good thing and a bad one to.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to Julia’s feelings about being called the wrong names her whole life. (“Nick names can be a good thing and a bad one to. The good thing is it makes it easier to say your name to people who don't know you, But the bad thing is if your so use to your nick name that you never really go by your frist name, then wen u need to put your name one something like a drivers license or air plane pass port then u have to put your original name. Nick names can come from anything from shortaning your name from somethin weird or funny you do. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer attempts to address the idea of nicknames but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the story’s scenario and its implications. (“When you read the story ‘Names nombres,’ it tells about names people change or mispronounce names. Like when julia and her family crossed the boarder o the U.S and the immigration officer said ‘Elbures but really Julia's name that she grew up with was something totally different.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Kinda like wen julia went to school and her teachers called her judy or judith. Mabey sometimes they might go a little farther and call them something different but more advanced like by chance judith. So it'll be mispronounced sometimes cause of they way people speak or were there from.”)

The lack of main ideas in body paragraphs contributes to a minimal response to the requirements of the prompt task. (“If you have a long name or a weird thing u like or do sometimes people will give you a nick name. Like when julia was in high school he close friends would call her jude or jules or like some kids her mom didn't like so much would call her Alcatraz. She was only her original name hoo-lee-tah to her mom and dad.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. The essay has minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of effective paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction since the writer neglects to clearly state a thesis that would lead the readers through the response to a logical conclusion. (“When you read the story ‘Names nombres,’ it tells about names people change or mispronounce names. Like when julia and her family crossed the boarder o the U.S and the immigration officer said ‘Elbures but really Julia's name that she grew up with was something totally different. When go to another country sometimes your name might change cause they speak another language, or say something differently. like wen Julia's moms friends came over and called julia jew-lee-ah instead of hoo-lee-tah.”)

The writer does not include effective supporting paragraphs that contribute to a clearly defined thesis statement. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences. (“Kinda like wen julia went to school and her teachers called her judy or judith. Mabey sometimes they might go a little farther and call them something different but more advanced like by chance judith. So it'll be mispronounced sometimes cause of they way people speak or were there from.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Nick names can be a good thing and a bad one to. The good thing is it makes it easier to say your name to people who don't know you, But the bad thing is if your so use to your nick name that you never really go by your frist name, then wen u need to put your name one something like a drivers license or air plane pass port then u have to put your original name. Nick names can come from anything from shortaning your name from somethin weird or funny you do.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice and little awareness of audience. He/she commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay response. (“Nick names can be a good thing and a bad one to. The good thing is it makes it easier to say your name to people who don't know you, But the bad thing is if your so use to your nick name that you never really go by your frist name, then wen u need to put your name one something like a drivers license or air plane pass port then u have to put your original name. ”)

Exact words are missing and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay response. (“When go to another country sometimes your name might change cause they speak another language, or say something differently. like wen Julia's moms friends came over and called julia jew-lee-ah instead of hoo-lee-tah. ”)

The use of informal language indicates a lack of audience awareness. The writer should avoid informal words and phrases that detract from the communication of the intended message. (“Kinda like wen julia went to school and her teachers called her judy or judith. Mabey sometimes they might go a little farther and call them something different but more advanced like by chance judith. So it'll be mispronounced sometimes cause of they way people speak or were there from. If you have a long name or a weird thing u like or do sometimes people will give you a nick name. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated by the use of line breaks. (“But the bad thing is if your so use to your nick name that you never really go by your frist name, then wen u need to put your name one something like a drivers license or air plane pass port then u have to put your original name. Nick names can come from anything from shortaning your name from somethin weird or funny you do.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Its not a good thing when people mispronounce it. you might think what they call you is embarrassing or mean.It might mean person or a dumb person.people will probably make fun of you or call you names.lots of people didn't know how to say her name so they said something. i would hate it if some one said my name wrong and mistake it for something embarrassing. Julia had lots of people mistake her name.Julia is from dominican republic and she moves to new york and the names are totally different.

julia alveraz is a young girl that moved from dominican republic to new york city. when you move to a place where the names are totally different you will have lots of mistakes with your name peopple might use those names to make fun of you

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay response. Notably, his/her assertions are not supported with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections between the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not contain a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying from the text and how the overall response relates to the requirements of the prompt task. The essay is unfocused, and the writer’s ideas are unorganized. (“ts not a good thing when people mispronounce it. you might think what they call you is embarrassing or mean.It might mean person or a dumb person.people will probably make fun of you or call you names.lots of people didn't know how to say her name so they said something.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“julia alveraz is a young girl that moved from dominican republic to new york city. when you move to a place where the names are totally different you will have lots of mistakes with your name peopple might use those names to make fun of you”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Julia had lots of people mistake her name.Julia is from dominican republic and she moves to new york and the names are totally different.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The writer does not provide effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support his/her assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Its not a good thing when people mispronounce it. you might think what they call you is embarrassing or mean.It might mean person or a dumb person.people will probably make fun of you or call you names.lots of people didn't know how to say her name so they said something.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Julia had lots of people mistake her name.Julia is from dominican republic and she moves to new york and the names are totally different.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay response, there are no meaningful main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“Julia had lots of people mistake her name.Julia is from dominican republic and she moves to new york and the names are totally different. julia alveraz is a young girl that moved from dominican republic to new york city.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure without a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Its not a good thing when people mispronounce it. you might think what they call you is embarrassing or mean. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“people will probably make fun of you or call you names.lots of people didn't know how to say her name so they said something. i would hate it if some one said my name wrong and mistake it for something embarrassing. ”) Using transitional devices and phrases help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitions can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“when you move to a place where the names are totally different you will have lots of mistakes with your name peopple might use those names to make fun of you ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay response. The essay reveals unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are syntax issues in portions of the essay. (“you might think what they call you is embarrassing or mean.It might mean person or a dumb person. ”)

The sentences are too informal and repetitious; they do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“julia alveraz is a young girl that moved from dominican republic to new york city. when you move to a place where the names are totally different you will have lots of mistakes with your name peopple might use those names to make fun of you ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, the spelling of chosen words is checked, and new paragraphs are indicated by the use of line breaks. (“i would hate it if some one said my name wrong and mistake it for something embarrassing. Julia had lots of people mistake her name.Julia is from dominican republic and she moves to new york and the names are totally different.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Ooka and the Honest Thief

The Japanese folktale Ooka and the Honest Thief asks us to question what it really means to be an honest person.

After carefully reading the folktale, who do you believe is the most honest character and why? In a well-developed essay, state the character you have selected and why you feel this character is the most honest. Be sure to include specific details to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Honesty

Ponder this a bit: Can someone lie for the good of another person? Is lying to someone a sin even if it's for a good cause? What about killing in self defense? Isn't killing wrong, however it's done? What about an honest thief - is that even possible? In the Japanese folktale "Ooka and the Honest Thief," the reader is left to ponder whether or not it's possible to be both honest, and a thief. In this folktale, Yahichi, a rice store owner, is startled to find that slowly, his rice is being stolen from him, grain by grain. He asks Ooka to investigate the situation for him, and that night, Ooka finds out who's behind the thievery. It's a man named Gonta, who is stealing rice for his family. Ooka refuses to turn Gonta in because he believes that Gonta is an honest thief. He is the most honorable character in the folktale because he returns everything he has taken from Yahichi, and secondly because he only took what he needed.

It's like borrowing something from someone, except the person doesn't know it's missing. Is that right? Is that stealing? But in the end the item would be returned one way or the other, so technically it's not stealing. It's borrowing, right? In the story "Ooka and the Honest Thief," Gonta is not borrowing anything. He is stealing rice for his family until he finds work. While Ooka is helping Gonta steal some rice, Gonta tells him that, "If I do find work, I intend to return what I have taken." It's that line that makes Ooka wonder, "'Gonta is certainly a thief,' Ooka replied, 'but I am convinced that he is an honest one.'" It's hard to repay someone, and most thieves wouldn't even bother. Gonta has a characteristic that most thieves don't have: honesty. He has the will to do what's right. In the end, Gonta is true to his word. Once he gets a job Ooka watches as each night, a small portion of rice is added, slowly. "On several occasions, Ooka put obstacles in his way to make it difficult for Gonta to keep his promise, but the thief was determined to pay back fully what he owed." He returned every single grain of rice that he owed, proving that he is the most honest character in the folktale.

Desperate; it's a word that describes Gonta's position. Needy; it's a word that describes what Gonta is feeling. Lost. Hopeful. Determined .... Determined. Gonta is feeling determined, determined to feed his family, no matter what. He has no money to buy the essentials for his family. Nobody will hire him. He is jobless. So he does what most people do when they are desperate: He begins a life of thievery. Gonta has officially turned to a life on the dark side..... Or has he? Has he really, truly, converted? There's still a small speck of goodness, one characteristic that will get him far. Honesty; it is that little bubble of emotion that is still harbored in Gonta's soul. It's honesty that pushes him to repay everything he steals, and it's honesty that gives him the restraint to take only what he needs. How many people have that trait? It's rare. It's the restraint to take only what you need, not what you want. Gonta could have taken that whole bag back to his family and then throw a party and invited all of their neighbors. Did he do that? No. "I only want a few handfuls; just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore." Ooka was shocked by this, and doesn't arrest the thief because he believes Gonta isn't an ordinary thief. He waits to see what Gonta will do, and his theories are correct. "Every night Gonta .... replaced a portion of the rice he had taken." Gonta shows honesty, there is no doubt about it.

Gonta is a rare cloud in a blue sky. He's a small oasis in the desert, and a small boat in the wild, wild ocean. In plain words: Gonta is a rare thief in a sea of lost, desperate men who resort to stealing instead of honesty. The thing that makes him different is that Gonta is honest, an honest thief. Ooka, a judge, describes Gonta as, "It is my duty to punish wickedness and reward virtue. In this case, we find both qualities in the same man, so obviously it would be unfair to treat him as any ordinary thief." Gonta is the most honest character in this folktale because he returns everything he has stolen from Yahichi and he only takes enough to feed his family for one day. Sometimes it's impossible to see what a person is like on the outside. On the outside, Gonta is a thief. A liar. A criminal. But wait a while.... wait to see what Gonta does. Wait to see his actions. Don't judge before he does anything; don't judge before Gonta gives his reasons. For we discover, on the inside, Gonta is an honest thief.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Gonta has a characteristic that most thieves don't have: honesty. He has the will to do what's right. In the end, Gonta is true to his word. Once he gets a job Ooka watches as each night, a small portion of rice is added, slowly. ‘On several occasions, Ooka put obstacles in his way to make it difficult for Gonta to keep his promise, but the thief was determined to pay back fully what he owed.’ He returned every single grain of rice that he owed, proving that he is the most honest character in the folktale.”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Desperate; it's a word that describes Gonta's position. Needy; it's a word that describes what Gonta is feeling. Lost. Hopeful. Determined .... Determined. Gonta is feeling determined, determined to feed his family, no matter what. He has no money to buy the essentials for his family. Nobody will hire him. He is jobless. So he does what most people do when they are desperate: He begins a life of thievery. Gonta has officially turned to a life on the dark side..... Or has he? Has he really, truly, converted? There's still a small speck of goodness, one characteristic that will get him far. Honesty; it is that little bubble of emotion that is still harbored in Gonta's soul. It's honesty that pushes him to repay everything he steals, and it's honesty that gives him the restraint to take only what he needs.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Gonta is a rare cloud in a blue sky. He's a small oasis in the desert, and a small boat in the wild, wild ocean. In plain words: Gonta is a rare thief in a sea of lost, desperate men who resort to stealing instead of honesty. The thing that makes him different is that Gonta is honest, an honest thief. Ooka, a judge, describes Gonta as, ‘It is my duty to punish wickedness and reward virtue. In this case, we find both qualities in the same man, so obviously it would be unfair to treat him as any ordinary thief.’ Gonta is the most honest character in this folktale because he returns everything he has stolen from Yahichi and he only takes enough to feed his family for one day.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“While Ooka is helping Gonta steal some rice, Gonta tells him that, ‘If I do find work, I intend to return what I have taken.’ It's that line that makes Ooka wonder, 'Gonta is certainly a thief,' Ooka replied, 'but I am convinced that he is an honest one.' It's hard to repay someone, and most thieves wouldn't even bother. Gonta has a characteristic that most thieves don't have: honesty.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information that connects the essay question to the text. (“It's honesty that pushes him to repay everything he steals, and it's honesty that gives him the restraint to take only what he needs. How many people have that trait? It's rare. It's the restraint to take only what you need, not what you want. Gonta could have taken that whole bag back to his family and then throw a party and invited all of their neighbors. Did he do that? No.”)

The writer provides a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“‘I only want a few handfuls; just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore.’ Ooka was shocked by this, and doesn't arrest the thief because he believes Gonta isn't an ordinary thief. He waits to see what Gonta will do, and his theories are correct. ‘Every night Gonta .... replaced a portion of the rice he had taken.’ Gonta shows honesty, there is no doubt about it. Gonta is a rare cloud in a blue sky. He's a small oasis in the desert, and a small boat in the wild, wild ocean. In plain words: Gonta is a rare thief in a sea of lost, desperate men who resort to stealing instead of honesty.”)

Organization

Ideas are effectively organized. The writer presents a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. Effective transitional devices are used throughout.

The introduction creatively captures readers’ attention by imploring the intended audience to ponder a question. (“ Ponder this a bit: Can someone lie for the good of another person? Is lying to someone a sin even if it's for a good cause? What about killing in self defense? Isn't killing wrong, however it's done? What about an honest thief - is that even possible?”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ It's like borrowing something from someone, except the person doesn't know it's missing. Is that right? Is that stealing? But in the end the item would be returned one way or the other, so technically it's not stealing. It's borrowing, right? In the story ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief,’ Gonta is not borrowing anything. He is stealing rice for his family until he finds work. While Ooka is helping Gonta steal some rice, Gonta tells him that, ‘If I do find work, I intend to return what I have taken.’ It's that line that makes Ooka wonder, 'Gonta is certainly a thief,' Ooka replied, 'but I am convinced that he is an honest one.'”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ The thing that makes him different is that Gonta is honest, an honest thief. Ooka, a judge, describes Gonta as, ‘It is my duty to punish wickedness and reward virtue. In this case, we find both qualities in the same man, so obviously it would be unfair to treat him as any ordinary thief.’ Gonta is the most honest character in this folktale because he returns everything he has stolen from Yahichi and he only takes enough to feed his family for one day. Sometimes it's impossible to see what a person is like on the outside. On the outside, Gonta is a thief. A liar. A criminal. But wait a while....wait to see what Gonta does. Wait to see his actions. Don't judge before he does anything; don't judge before Gonta gives his reasons. For we discover, on the inside, Gonta is an honest thief.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ It's the restraint to take only what you need, not what you want. Gonta could have taken that whole bag back to his family and then throw a party and invited all of their neighbors. Did he do that? No. ‘I only want a few handfuls; just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore.’ Ooka was shocked by this, and doesn't arrest the thief because he believes Gonta isn't an ordinary thief. He waits to see what Gonta will do, and his theories are correct. ‘Every night Gonta .... replaced a portion of the rice he had taken.’ Gonta shows honesty, there is no doubt about it.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the internal conflict Gonta faces between the goal of feeding his family and stealing to accomplish that goal. (“ He begins a life of thievery. Gonta has officially turned to a life on the dark side..... Or has he? Has he really, truly, converted? There's still a small speck of goodness, one characteristic that will get him far. Honesty; it is that little bubble of emotion that is still harbored in Gonta's soul.”)

Use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Gonta is a rare cloud in a blue sky. He's a small oasis in the desert, and a small boat in the wild, wild ocean. In plain words: Gonta is a rare thief in a sea of lost, desperate men who resort to stealing instead of honesty. The thing that makes him different is that Gonta is honest, an honest thief.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ In the Japanese folktale ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief,’ the reader is left to ponder whether or not it's possible to be both honest, and a thief. In this folktale, Yahichi, a rice store owner, is startled to find that slowly, his rice is being stolen from him, grain by grain. He asks Ooka to investigate the situation for him, and that night, Ooka finds out who's behind the thievery.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Ooka and the Honest Thief, Gonta is the most honest of the three characters. "I only want a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family." Even though he doesn't have a job, he always is looking for one, and he only steals what he needs. He also tells Ooka that when he finds a source of income, he intends to Yahichi back for what he has stolen. So despite being unemployed, he still understands the value of money, whether it's his own, or somebody else's money. His action, even if it is stealing, proves that he is the most honest character of the story.

In the beginning of the story Gonta tells Ooka that he only takes what he needs. "This is too much, I want only a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family for a single day..." If he wasn't honest, he would have taken the entire sack which Ooka had offered him. He kept believing that he would find a job so that he could start feeding his own family by himself, and that he could also pay back the person whom he was stealing from. This also shows that he is only stealing so that his family doesn't starve. Gonta is aware that Yahichi has enough rice to run his business, and if he doesn't steal from anyone else, he and his family will starve. If Gonta is too weak to work and raise money for his family, then his whole family will die. Not to mention the fact that he is taking the risk of stealing. Near the end of the story, it tells how Yahichi won't press charges, so there are obviously rules that Gonta is breaking. If he wasn't stealing for a motive, then his actions would certainly be dishonest. However, he had a reasonable explanation, and it turns something that is usually looked down upon, to something heroic.

If Gonta had just stolen without repaying Yahichi, his actions would be considered dishonest. "If I do find work, I intend to return what I have taken." Gonta is telling Ooka, who was pretending to be a thief, that in a way he is only borrowing. Also, he understands that Yahichi has a business to run, and by stealing the goods that Yahichi is selling, Yahichi makes less money. If Gonta and Yahichi lose their jobs, they both will have to go to the last resort of stealing from others. Although Gonta is a thief, he admits his motives to Ooka, and if he was a regular robber, he would have just shielded his actions, perhaps even injure Ooka to keep him quiet.

As Ooka observed Gonta after he had been hired, he noticed that, "every night, Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken." Gonta had kept true to his word to repay Yahichi back for what he had stolen. He even paid interest, and if he had been a dishonest civilian, then he would have just ignored his debt and make Yahichi's business suffer. His going back to Yahichi's store was enough to convince Ooka that Gonta was doing everything honestly, even if his actions were illegal and against the law. Gonta was willing to break the law to feed his family, but he also promised to pay back what he had stolen. Honesty was a part of everything Gonta did, and Ooka and Yahichi knew this too, which was why Yahichi decided not to press charges. Ooka even decides to play a joke on Gonta by leaving a note that tells Gonta that he owes Yahichi interest for what he has taken.

All of Gonta's actions prove that he is the most honest character of Ooka and the Honest Thief. Even the author agreed that Gonta was the most honest, as he is referred to as the "Honest Thief". Gonta's motives were revealed that he would only take what he needed, and not a handful more. If he had been a regular, dishonest thief, he would taken the entire sack that Ooka had offered him. He also informs Ooka that he intends to pay back everything he had stolen, after he found a way to feed his family for himself. Throughout the story, Gonta shows that he does understand the value of money, as he doesn't over steal from Yahichi. His honest nature won't let him take more than what he needs. All of his actions, even stealing, proves that he is the most honest character of the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the many ways Gonta shows his honesty. (“ Even though he doesn't have a job, he always is looking for one, and he only steals what he needs. He also tells Ooka that when he finds a source of income, he intends to Yahichi back for what he has stolen. So despite being unemployed, he still understands the value of money, whether it's his own, or somebody else's money. His action, even if it is stealing, proves that he is the most honest character of the story. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Gonta is aware that Yahichi has enough rice to run his business, and if he doesn't steal from anyone else, he and his family will starve. If Gonta is too weak to work and raise money for his family, then his whole family will die. Not to mention the fact that he is taking the risk of stealing. Near the end of the story, it tells how Yahichi won't press charges, so there are obviously rules that Gonta is breaking. If he wasn't stealing for a motive, then his actions would certainly be dishonest. However, he had a reasonable explanation, and it turns something that is usually looked down upon, to something heroic. ”)

The essay focuses additional details on the positive outcome of Ooka’s belief in Gonta’s honesty. (“ As Ooka observed Gonta after he had been hired, he noticed that, ‘every night, Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken.’ Gonta had kept true to his word to repay Yahichi back for what he had stolen. He even paid interest, and if he had been a dishonest civilian, then he would have just ignored his debt and make Yahichi's business suffer. His going back to Yahichi's store was enough to convince Ooka that Gonta was doing everything honestly, even if his actions were illegal and against the law. Gonta was willing to break the law to feed his family, but he also promised to pay back what he had stolen. Honesty was a part of everything Gonta did, and Ooka and Yahichi knew this too, which was why Yahichi decided not to press charges.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good use of content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support the thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“He kept believing that he would find a job so that he could start feeding his own family by himself, and that he could also pay back the person whom he was stealing from. This also shows that he is only stealing so that his family doesn't starve. Gonta is aware that Yahichi has enough rice to run his business, and if he doesn't steal from anyone else, he and his family will starve. If Gonta is too weak to work and raise money for his family, then his whole family will die.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“If Gonta had just stolen without repaying Yahichi, his actions would be considered dishonest. ‘If I do find work, I intend to return what I have taken.’ Gonta is telling Ooka, who was pretending to be a thief, that in a way he is only borrowing. Also, he understands that Yahichi has a business to run, and by stealing the goods that Yahichi is selling, Yahichi makes less money. ”)

Details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“His going back to Yahichi's store was enough to convince Ooka that Gonta was doing everything honestly, even if his actions were illegal and against the law. Gonta was willing to break the law to feed his family, but he also promised to pay back what he had stolen. Honesty was a part of everything Gonta did, and Ooka and Yahichi knew this too, which was why Yahichi decided not to press charges.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. A mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion is presented. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction engages readers in a way that keeps them reading. (“ In the story Ooka and the Honest Thief, Gonta is the most honest of the three characters.”I only want a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family." Even though he doesn't have a job, he always is looking for one, and he only steals what he needs. He also tells Ooka that when he finds a source of income, he intends to Yahichi back for what he has stolen. So despite being unemployed, he still understands the value of money, whether it's his own, or somebody else's money. His action, even if it is stealing, proves that he is the most honest character of the story. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ As Ooka observed Gonta after he had been hired, he noticed that, ‘every night, Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken.’ Gonta had kept true to his word to repay Yahichi back for what he had stolen. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Throughout the story, Gonta shows that he does understand the value of money, as he doesn't over steal from Yahichi. His honest nature won't let him take more than what he needs. All of his actions, even stealing, proves that he is the most honest character of the story. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ As Ooka observed Gonta after he had been hired, he noticed that, ‘every night, Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken.’ Gonta had kept true to his word to repay Yahichi back for what he had stolen. He even paid interest, and if he had been a dishonest civilian, then he would have just ignored his debt and make Yahichi's business suffer. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ If he wasn't stealing for a motive, then his actions would certainly be dishonest. However, he had a reasonable explanation, and it turns something that is usually looked down upon, to something heroic. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Gonta is telling Ooka, who was pretending to be a thief, that in a way he is only borrowing. Also, he understands that Yahichi has a business to run, and by stealing the goods that Yahichi is selling, Yahichi makes less money. If Gonta and Yahichi lose their jobs, they both will have to go to the last resort of stealing from others. Although Gonta is a thief, he admits his motives to Ooka, and if he was a regular robber, he would have just shielded his actions, perhaps even injure Ooka to keep him quiet. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences utilize line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Gonta was willing to break the law to feed his family, but he also promised to pay back what he had stolen. Honesty was a part of everything Gonta did, and Ooka and Yahichi knew this too, which was why Yahichi decided not to press charges. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Ooka and the Honest Thief"

In this Japanese folktale, "Ooka and the Honest Thief," Gonta steals a tiny portion of rice every day. Although he's the thief, I strongly believe that he's the most honest character in this story because he admits that he took the rice, promised to give back what he owes, and didn't want to take more rice than he needed.

First of all, Gonta, the thief, admits that he stole the rice because he told Ooka that he needed enough rice to feed his family every day. For example, "I want only a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore." This quote shows that Gonta tells someone that he's stealing rice to feed his family. Instead of hiding the truth of stealing, he actually confesses to the man. Furthermore, he knows that he should tell the truth instead of lie to get what he wants.

Moreover, Gonta agrees to give back what he owes to the owner of the rice store once he finds a stable job. For instance, "If I find work, I intend to return what I have taken." This example shows that the thief is willing to pay back what he owes instead of being in debt, once he finds a job. Also, another example is, "Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken." This quote shows that Gonta is keeping his promise by paying back what he owes, instead of lying to Ooka about paying the owner back. Besides, sometimes, Ooka sets up a tough obstacle for Gonta, however, the thief manages to successfully go through the obstacle and pay back his debt.

Lastly, Gonta didn't want to take more rice than he needed to because he knows that it won't be fair for the owner and he would have to owe more rice. For instance, "I am convinced that he is an honest one, for he refused to steal more than needed." Moreover, this example shows that Gonta refuses to take the excess amount of rice offered by Ooka. Besides, the thief probably didn't want to take more than he needed because he would have to pay back the excess amount later. Therefore, Gonta only took what he needed daily to feed his family, and if anyone tried to offer him more, he would refuse to accept it.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that Gonta, the thief, is the most honest character in this folktale. Even though he is a thief, he admits that he stole some rice every day, he manages to owe the owner a specific amount of rice, and refuses to steal more than he needs. Lastly, even someone who is notorious can be honest and do good deeds to others and himself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects Gonta as the most honest character in the story and provides adequate details to support the assertion throughout the response. (“Moreover, Gonta agrees to give back what he owes to the owner of the rice store once he finds a stable job. For instance, ‘If I find work, I intend to return what I have taken.’ This example shows that the thief is willing to pay back what he owes instead of being in debt, once he finds a job.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer continually cites examples of Gonta’s honesty throughout the response. (“Lastly, Gonta didn't want to take more rice than he needed to because he knows that it won't be fair for the owner and he would have to owe more rice. For instance, ‘I am convinced that he is an honest one, for he refused to steal more than needed.’ Moreover, this example shows that Gonta refuses to take the excess amount of rice offered by Ooka. Besides, the thief probably didn't want to take more than he needed because he would have to pay back the excess amount later. Therefore, Gonta only took what he needed daily to feed his family, and if anyone tried to offer him more, he would refuse to accept it.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement examples of dialogue between characters to illustrate Gonta’s honest deeds and attitudes. It serves as a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“First of all, Gonta, the thief, admits that he stole the rice because he told Ooka that he needed enough rice to feed his family every day. For example, ‘I want only a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore.’ This quote shows that Gonta tells someone that he's stealing rice to feed his family. Instead of hiding the truth of stealing, he actually confesses to the man. Furthermore, he knows that he should tell the truth instead of lie to get what he wants.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“First of all, Gonta, the thief, admits that he stole the rice because he told Ooka that he needed enough rice to feed his family every day. For example, ‘I want only a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore.’ This quote shows that Gonta tells someone that he's stealing rice to feed his family. Instead of hiding the truth of stealing, he actually confesses to the man. Furthermore, he knows that he should tell the truth instead of lie to get what he wants.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“First of all, Gonta, the thief, admits that he stole the rice because he told Ooka that he needed enough rice to feed his family every day. For example, ‘I want only a few handfuls, just enough to feed my family for a single day, for each day I hope I will find work and not have to steal anymore.’ This quote shows that Gonta tells someone that he's stealing rice to feed his family.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the essay’s main ideas. (“Also, another example is, ‘Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken.’ This quote shows that Gonta is keeping his promise by paying back what he owes, instead of lying to Ooka about paying the owner back. Besides, sometimes, Ooka sets up a tough obstacle for Gonta, however, the thief manages to successfully go through the obstacle and pay back his debt.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In this Japanese folktale, ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief,’ Gonta steals a tiny portion of rice every day. Although he's the thief, I strongly believe that he's the most honest character in this story because he admits that he took the rice, promised to give back what he owes, and didn't want to take more rice than he needed.”)

The writer employs transitions between sentences and paragraphs. (“ Moreover, Gonta agrees to give back what he owes to the owner of the rice store once he finds a stable job. For instance, ‘If I find work, I intend to return what I have taken.’ This example shows that the thief is willing to pay back what he owes instead of being in debt, once he finds a job. Also, another example is, ‘Gonta returned to the shop to replace a portion of the rice he had taken.’”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In conclusion, I strongly believe that Gonta, the thief, is the most honest character in this folktale. Even though he is a thief, he admits that he stole some rice every day, he manages to owe the owner a specific amount of rice, and refuses to steal more than he needs. Lastly, even someone who is notorious can be honest and do good deeds to others and himself. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ This quote shows that Gonta is keeping his promise by paying back what he owes, instead of lying to Ooka about paying the owner back. Besides, sometimes, Ooka sets up a tough obstacle for Gonta, however, the thief manages to successfully go through the obstacle and pay back his debt.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice throughout the response. (“ Although he's the thief, I strongly believe that he's the most honest character in this story because he admits that he took the rice, promised to give back what he owes, and didn't want to take more rice than he needed. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Lastly, Gonta didn't want to take more rice than he needed to because he knows that it won't be fair for the owner and he would have to owe more rice. For instance, ‘I am convinced that he is an honest one, for he refused to steal more than needed.’ Moreover, this example shows that Gonta refuses to take the excess amount of rice offered by Ooka.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ Even though he is a thief, he admits that he stole some rice every day, he manages to owe the owner a specific amount of rice, and refuses to steal more than he needs. Lastly, even someone who is notorious can be honest and do good deeds to others and himself.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

honesty is the most important rule in life. In the story "Ooka and the Honest Thief" is based on an honest thief Gonta that is stealing rice to feed his family. So in this story there is a man named Ooka that is looking out for a thief that is stealing his friends rice every night. Ooka is the only hope to find this thief.

The reason I choose Gonta as the the most honest person in this story because he is a theif willing to give back the things he steal . But one day when he finds a job to feed his family he will never steal again and will pay back for all the rice he steals. So in this story Ooka disguieses him self as a thief to find the real thief. After about 5 minutes he found gonta walking around outside and went to him and said " Are you trying to steal rice like me" and Gonta replied "Yes I'am " then Ooka went inside and brought a huge bag of rice ans told Gonta to take some but Gonta refused, he only wanted a couple hand fulls to at least feed his family for at least one day untill he finds a job.

The second reason I think Gonta is the most honest is that he is not greedy. Usally a thief and robbers are greedy like for an example bank robbers, rob banks to take every single dollar they have but Gonta isn't like that he only takes what he needs to feed his family for a day until he finds a job. So the next morning yahichi the owner of the store, Told the judge that Gonta was stealing the rice. But when Ooka was pretending o be a thief judge was there to see what happen. But Yahichi demanded to not to let Gonta get away from it but the judge said that Gonta is an honest thief and should not press charges. Instead Yahichi had to give Gonta a job. So the next day gonta came by the rice shop and return the last portion of rice he stole

In conclusion I must repeat my argument about Gonta being the most honest in the story. I think Gonta is a thief but not just an ordinary thief he is an honest thief. That steals rice to feed his family every day untill he finds a job, and is willing to pay back and give back all the rice he took from Yahichi. Lastly is that he is not greedy I thought theifs are greedy but not Gonta because he will pay back and only takes what he needs. That is why Gonta is the most honest person in this story "Ooka and the Honest Thief."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“In the story ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief’ is based on an honest thief Gonta that is stealing rice to feed his family. So in this story there is a man named Ooka that is looking out for a thief that is stealing his friends rice every night. Ooka is the only hope to find this thief. The reason I choose Gonta as the the most honest person in this story because he is a theif willing to give back the things he steal .”)

The writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection is communicated in a limited way. By describing Gonta as the most honest character in the story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, a lack of detail renders the essay limited at best. (“ The second reason I think Gonta is the most honest is that he is not greedy. Usally a thief and robbers are greedy like for an example bank robbers, rob banks to take every single dollar they have but Gonta isn't like that he only takes what he needs to feed his family for a day until he finds a job. So the next morning yahichi the owner of the store, Told the judge that Gonta was stealing the rice. ”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“So in this story Ooka disguieses him self as a thief to find the real thief. After about 5 minutes he found gonta walking around outside and went to him and said ‘ Are you trying to steal rice like me’ and Gonta replied ‘Yes I'am ‘ then Ooka went inside and brought a huge bag of rice ans told Gonta to take some but Gonta refused, he only wanted a couple hand fulls to at least feed his family for at least one day untill he finds a job.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are evident in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Instead Yahichi had to give Gonta a job. So the next day gonta came by the rice shop and return the last portion of rice he stole”)

The essay provides limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ So the next morning yahichi the owner of the store, Told the judge that Gonta was stealing the rice. But when Ooka was pretending o be a thief judge was there to see what happen. But Yahichi demanded to not to let Gonta get away from it but the judge said that Gonta is an honest thief and should not press charges. ”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“ The second reason I think Gonta is the most honest is that he is not greedy. Usally a thief and robbers are greedy like for an example bank robbers, rob banks to take every single dollar they have but Gonta isn't like that he only takes what he needs to feed his family for a day until he finds a job. ”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The response demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and contains limited transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ honesty is the most important rule in life. In the story ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief’ is based on an honest thief Gonta that is stealing rice to feed his family. So in this story there is a man named Ooka that is looking out for a thief that is stealing his friends rice every night. Ooka is the only hope to find this thief. ”)

There is some use of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The second reason I think Gonta is the most honest is that he is not greedy. ”)

The conclusion serves to summarize the writer’s assertion, but it does not give the readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ In conclusion I must repeat my argument about Gonta being the most honest in the story. I think Gonta is a thief but not just an ordinary thief he is an honest thief. That steals rice to feed his family every day untill he finds a job, and is willing to pay back and give back all the rice he took from Yahichi. Lastly is that he is not greedy I thought theifs are greedy but not Gonta because he will pay back and only takes what he needs. That is why Gonta is the most honest person in this story ‘Ooka and the Honest Thief.’ ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“ After about 5 minutes he found gonta walking around outside and went to him and said ‘ Are you trying to steal rice like me’ and Gonta replied ‘Yes I'am ‘ then Ooka went inside and brought a huge bag of rice ans told Gonta to take some but Gonta refused, he only wanted a couple hand fulls to at least feed his family for at least one day untill he finds a job. ”)

Although the writer manages to identify the most honest character, he/she does not maintain enough focus on specific details for readers to relate to the honesty of the character. (“ The second reason I think Gonta is the most honest is that he is not greedy. Usally a thief and robbers are greedy like for an example bank robbers, rob banks to take every single dollar they have but Gonta isn't like that he only takes what he needs to feed his family for a day until he finds a job. ”)

There is weak sentence structure throughout the response. Additionally, the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ But when Ooka was pretending o be a thief judge was there to see what happen. But Yahichi demanded to not to let Gonta get away from it but the judge said that Gonta is an honest thief and should not press charges. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“That steals rice to feed his family every day untill he finds a job, and is willing to pay back and give back all the rice he took from Yahichi. Lastly is that he is not greedy I thought theifs are greedy but not Gonta because he will pay back and only takes what he needs.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Sometimes being honest is an important part of your life. Honesty is always the best choice when you are in some kind of court. In the story " Ooka and the Honest Thief " by J.G. Edmund, Gonta find himself in a situation where he had to steal in a honest and clean way. I picked Gonta for his because he steal the rice, but he was going to pay the owner back as soon as he gets a job. The honor didn't believe that Gonta was honest, until one night he disguise his self as a thief. Finally, I think he was an honest and honorable thief because he was going to pay the owner back and take only what he needed to feed his family until he gets a job.

In the folktale Gonta was shown as an honest and honorable thief by showing the time when Ooka pretending to be a thief to find the thief. Once he found out that it was Gonta he was surprised by how Gonta take only what he needs. So the sore owner and Ooka didn't treat him like an ordinary thief. In the end of the story, Ooka learns that some thief can be honest and some don't. Gonta realized that he shouldn't steal, instead ask some one close to you for help.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay minimally states a central/controlling idea. The writer mentions Gonta as the honest character in the story; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“In the story ‘ Ooka and the Honest Thief ‘ by J.G. Edmund, Gonta find himself in a situation where he had to steal in a honest and clean way. I picked Gonta for his because he steal the rice, but he was going to pay the owner back as soon as he gets a job. The honor didn't believe that Gonta was honest, until one night he disguise his self as a thief. Finally, I think he was an honest and honorable thief because he was going to pay the owner back and take only what he needed to feed his family until he gets a job.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“In the folktale Gonta was shown as an honest and honorable thief by showing the time when Ooka pretending to be a thief to find the thief. Once he found out that it was Gonta he was surprised by how Gonta take only what he needs. So the sore owner and Ooka didn't treat him like an ordinary thief.”)

The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for asserting that Gonta is the most honest character in the story. (“ In the end of the story, Ooka learns that some thief can be honest and some don't. Gonta realized that he shouldn't steal, instead ask some one close to you for help.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer attempts to assert who the most honest character is in the story, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help readers understand the character and his/her actions. (“In the folktale Gonta was shown as an honest and honorable thief by showing the time when Ooka pretending to be a thief to find the thief. Once he found out that it was Gonta he was surprised by how Gonta take only what he needs. So the sore owner and Ooka didn't treat him like an ordinary thief. In the end of the story, Ooka learns that some thief can be honest and some don't.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I picked Gonta for his because he steal the rice, but he was going to pay the owner back as soon as he gets a job. The honor didn't believe that Gonta was honest, until one night he disguise his self as a thief.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Finally, I think he was an honest and honorable thief because he was going to pay the owner back and take only what he needed to feed his family until he gets a job.”)

Organization

The response is minimally organized . The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Sometimes being honest is an important part of your life. Honesty is always the best choice when you are in some kind of court. In the story ‘ Ooka and the Honest Thief ‘ by J.G. Edmund, Gonta find himself in a situation where he had to steal in a honest and clean way.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that would effectively illustrate which character the writer is focusing on in the task response. Notably, some transitions are included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Finally, I think he was an honest and honorable thief because he was going to pay the owner back and take only what he needed to feed his family until he gets a job. In the folktale Gonta was shown as an honest and honorable thief by showing the time when Ooka pretending to be a thief to find the thief.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Gonta realized that he shouldn't steal, instead ask some one close to you for help. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short and need more details to convey an effective message. (“ So the sore owner and Ooka didn't treat him like an ordinary thief. In the end of the story, Ooka learns that some thief can be honest and some don't.”)

Simple word choices are employed in many sentences. (“ Sometimes being honest is an important part of your life. Honesty is always the best choice when you are in some kind of court.”)

There is repetition. (“ In the folktale Gonta was shown as an honest and honorable thief by showing the time when Ooka pretending to be a thief to find the thief.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ I picked Gonta for his because he steal the rice, but he was going to pay the owner back as soon as he gets a job. The honor didn't believe that Gonta was honest, until one night he disguise his self as a thief. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What are the charterstics of a honest person? Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store.Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not support a central/controlling idea. (“ Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store. ”)

There are inadequate details used regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store.Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in the essay are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to identify the most honest character in the story, but he/she does not develop the idea in any way. (“ Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“What are the charterstics of a honest person? Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store.Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with an ineffective introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction does not clearly convey what the essay is about. (“ What are the charterstics of a honest person? Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store.Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear language use and simple word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Word choices are simple and do not convey an effective message to the intended audience. (“ What are the charterstics of a honest person? Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? ”)

Sentence structures are weak and contribute to a rushed response to the writing task. (“ Who is the most honest person in the story Oooka and the Honest theif? In the story Yahichi a rice store owner has went to Ookas cort to complain about a thief stealing rice from his store. ”)

The writer’s language does not convey his/her purpose to the intended audience. (“ Yahichi told Ooka "It is just disonest as to steal one grain of rice as to steal a large sack of rice.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Poetic Devices in “Mother to Son” by Langston Hughes

In the poem “Mother to Son,” a mother is telling her child about her difficult life experiences. After carefully reading “Mother to Son,” write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the author’s use of poetic devices such as imagery and figurative language to convey his theme. Use specific details and examples from the poem to support your interpretation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This poem has more meaning behind it then what one might think. This poet's word choice or diction add more meaning and depth to the theme of the poem. This poem explains how the mother feels about her life, and how she is telling her son not to give up. Also this poet uses a lot of imagery that helps the readers picture the events in their minds. He describes every setting in detail to make the readers feel as if the mother is talking to them. And lastly this poem had a very strong theme. It teaches us not to give up on life and make the best of every situation instead regreding something in the past.

The diction that is used in this poem is very unique. The author uses a variety of different words to make every line have its' own message. For example, she uses the word "splinters" to describe that she has had some rough times in her life. She wanted to let her son know that her life has not been smooth all the time and that there were many obstacles that she had to overcome. Another example of dition is " no crystal stair". She uses the word "crystal" instead of clear to describe the stair. She wants to say that not every step or stair she took in her life was crystal clear. She had difficult decisions and steps that she had to take in her life. Also he uses the word "Bare" which means empty. She wants to say that there were times in her life that were empty and cold and were not full of life.

There is also a great amount of imagery in this poem that helps the reader picture the events. He describes the setting in detail to draw the reader's attention. For example, he says "And sometimes goin' in the dark Where there ain't been no light." This creates a dark and cold image in the reader's minds. The mother wants to say that she has been in dark places or has gone through dark days. And this sentence creates that uncomfortable mood and the reader feels the fear that she went through in her life. Another example of imagery is when the poet says, "And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor--". This creates an uneasy and a very rough image in the reader's mind. The mother gets her point across that not everything in life is smooth and there will be times when life will make you break you apart. People do not live perfect and smooth lives. There is going to be rough times and also good times in life while you walk to the finish line.

This poem had a very strong message. It thought a lesson about life and how it involves pain and hard times. The mother was trying to teach her son that no matter how life treats you, you should never give up. You have to fight back and try to overcome that obstacle. Also, she says "Dont't you set down on the steps" which means do not turn back and look at the past. Keep on going and and climb the stairs. She teaches the reader that you should always walk forwards and never look back and regred something that you have done in the past. What is done is done and you learn from your mistakes and they help you overcome the problem that you are having at that moment.

Life is not a perfect journey and no one is perfect and no one can live a perfect life. Langston Hughes does a great job teaching this lesson through this poem. His word choice is very unique which makes this poem unforgettable. And the imagery does a great job pulling the reader in and getting their attention. "Mother to Son" was a great poem that anyone can realte to, not just a son. This poem can even help an elder person when he or she is struggling to get through life. I learned that even though life is difficult and has rough edges, I can fight it and move on to the next part of my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“Also this poet uses a lot of imagery that helps the readers picture the events in their minds. He describes every setting in detail to make the readers feel as if the mother is talking to them. And lastly this poem had a very strong theme. It teaches us not to give up on life and make the best of every situation instead regreding something in the past. ”) Through this focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate an understanding of the poetic devices used to convey the theme of the poem. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the poetic devices, diction, and imagery is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The author clearly explains how these two devices help Hughes to convey the theme of the poem. (“This creates a dark and cold image in the reader's minds. The mother wants to say that she has been in dark places or has gone through dark days. And this sentence creates that uncomfortable mood and the reader feels the fear that she went through in her life.”) The student goes beyond superficial interpretation to an in-depth analysis using support from the text. (“ It thought a lesson about life and how it involves pain and hard times. The mother was trying to teach her son that no matter how life treats you, you should never give up. You have to fight back and try to overcome that obstacle.”)

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed. It immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“This poem has more meaning behind it then what one might think ”) and proceeds to develop a well-structured and focused thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a strong, intriguing topic sentence. (“ The diction that is used in this poem is very unique. The author uses a variety of different words to make every line have its' own message. For example, she uses the word "splinters" to describe that she has had some rough times in her life. ”) The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s main ideas by explaining how the author’s word choice and imagery effectively convey his message. (“ Langston Hughes does a great job teaching this lesson through this poem. His word choice is very unique which makes this poem unforgettable. And the imagery does a great job pulling the reader in and getting their attention. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“Keep on going and and climb the stairs. She teaches the reader that you should always walk forwards and never look back and regred something that you have done in the past. What is done is done and you learn from your mistakes and they help you overcome the problem that you are having at that moment. ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ For example, he says "And sometimes goin' in the dark Where there ain't been no light." This creates a dark and cold image in the reader's minds. The mother wants to say that she has been in dark places or has gone through dark days.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard written English. Few errors in mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“regred”) are evident in this well-written piece.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever tried something, and for some reason you just cannot understand how to do something and you just decide to give up, but the ones who really love you try to persuade you not to give up on life and they try to tell you that life is not easy, we all are going to go through things and we have to learn to move on this connection is made in a poem written by Langston Hughes. Hughes' poem is entitled "Mother to Son." In this poem the mother is encouraging her son not to give up on life. She tries to make her son understand that we all have difficult times in our lives, but we have to get over them.

I guess we can say that the theme of Hughes' poem is to persevere the mother tells the son, "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair." The mother uses imagery, to show that life really isn't perfect. We all are or will be going through difficult times. When your parent(s), or anyone who really cares for you, they will tell you something and keep repeating it to your head and to get you to really ponder on it. The same is in the poem, the mother brings out the phrase which states "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair," she tells her son this a few times, so she obviously really wants him to understand that were not all perfect. This poem is a great example for teenagers, cause around that time of life is when peer pressure comes along and they will either follow others or they will just give up, and teens may not even have it that hard but they make it worse for themselves.

The poem also shows point of view , from a 1st persons point of view. Being that the poem is in 1st person, the mother very often refers to herself as I, which gives evidence that she was actually there and shes experienced many hardships. In the poem the mother brings out that life for her had tacks, splinters, and bare-floors. She was trying to say that her life was a hard, perplexed life to live, but she learned to endure.

The mother also brings out things like turning' corners, times' in the dark, ain't no light, which are some words or phrases that appeals to a hard, laborious, and stressful life. Being that she said times in the dark and no light, shows that she wasn't physically in the dark but that her life wasn't the easiest life to live, she was using analogies and was stressing some phrases to help her son understand how hard life really is.

In Hughes' poem "Mother to son" i've realized why the ones who really care for me put a lot of stress on certain things and keep on repeating certain things so i can understand, and really try to get the point. I can see that the mother really wanted to show her son that life really is hard and she knew that from experience. I think the reason why Lngston Hughes wrote this poem is because his mother always told him him how hard everyone's life is and she probably had this talk with him a lot, and he probably realized when he got older that his mom was right when she told h about life. So, I think that he wrote this poem to yuong ones to tell them to listen listen to expereinced ones when they tell you things and when you know that they've gone through those things. I really enjoyed reading and having to respond to something about this poem because it really gets me to think and break down this poem so that I can get a better understanding about what this poem really means.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“ Hughes' poem is entitled "Mother to Son." In this poem the mother is encouraging her son not to give up on life. She tries to make her son understand that we all have difficult times in our lives, but we have to get over them. ”) and completes a thorough analysis of the poetic devices and theme of this poem. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The essay develops its ideas using clearly detailed evidence from the text. (“The poem also shows point of view , from a 1st persons point of view. Being that the poem is in 1st person, the mother very often refers to herself as I, which gives evidence that she was actually there and shes experienced many hardships . ”) The author uses quotes from the text to support his/her premise, which he/she further develops with supporting details. (“The same is in the poem, the mother brings out the phrase which states "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair," she tells her son this a few times, so she obviously really wants him to understand that were not all perfect.”)

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. However, the introduction could be further improved with a clearly defined thesis that includes the poetic devices to be discussed within the essay. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“I guess we can say that the theme of Hughes' poem is to persevere the mother tells the son, "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair’. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection between the text and life. (“ I think that he wrote this poem to yuong ones to tell them to listen listen to expereinced ones when they tell you things and when you know that they've gone through those things.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“She was trying to say that her life was a hard, perplexed life to live, but she learned to endure.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ When your parent(s), or anyone who really cares for you, they will tell you something and keep repeating it to your head and to get you to really ponder on it. ”) This essay obviously exhibits good language use and style

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in conventions and mechanics , the mistakes in spelling (“ yuong ”), grammar (“ The poem also shows point of view , from a 1st persons point of view”) , and punctuation are few and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have your parents ever told you how hard life was for them? Do they encourage you not to give up? In the poem "Mother To Son" Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult. Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices.

First of all Hughes uses dialect "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair", says the mother. Obviously, the mother is not educated. Perhaps that is why life has been so difficult for her. Maybe her son feels like giving up at school. "Don't you set down on the steps, cause you finds it kinder hard", she tells him. Like other parents she probably wants more for her child,so she encourages him persevere.

Another device that Hughes uses to make his poem credible is first-person point of view. "Well son I'll tell you". This sounds just like a mother having a talk with her child. We expect her to talk about her life experiences the way many adults do.

Finally Hughes employs repetition to emphasize the mothers lesson. Two times the mother repeats "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair" she says it at the beginning and again at the end. Many adults restate their main points. She wants her son to realize that her life has been hard to but, she has been pushing. She knows his life will be hard and he'll need to be determined.

No wonder Hughes's poem has as much of an impact on readers. Today as it did over fifty years ago. A first-person poem in dialect with repetition sounds just like a hard working mother in 2006. Persistence is just as important lesson for children.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt that demonstrates an understanding of the task. (“ In the poem ‘Mother To Son’ Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult. Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices.”) However, he/she is not as successful in supporting the thesis and developing ideas. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some implied connections between the task and the text.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes the thesis. The second and third paragraphs identify the poetic devices used, but fail to support this with quotes from the text. (“Another device that Hughes uses to make his poem credible is first-person point of view. "Well son I'll tell you". This sounds just like a mother having a talk with her child.”) The conclusion adds a bit of insight (“A first-person poem in dialect with repetition sounds just like a hard working mother in 2006. Persistence is just as important lesson for children.”), but fails to reinforce the author’s main point.

Organization

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is adequate and appropriate (“ Finally Hughes employs repetition to emphasize the mothers lesson . ”). Most sentences use correct structure but lack variety, as evidenced by short, choppy sentences. (“ Obviously, the mother is not educated. Perhaps that is why life has been so difficult for her. Maybe her son feels like giving up at school.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling, and grammar (“ realize that her life has been hard to ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wonder what a mother has to go through? Well in the poem "Mother to Son " by Langston Hughes, a mother is encouraging her son not to give up because she didnt give up even though she past by some rough time. You could still relate to this poem even though its kind of old because so many mother still encourage there sons not to give up .

In mother to son the sons mother is encouraging him to have determination. In this poem Langston Hughes uses different kinds of poetic devices to make sure to his point across to the readers.

One type of poetic devices is repetition.For example when the mother keeps on repeating "Life for me ain't no been no crystal stair" .In the poem this means life for her hasn't been easy . She keeps on repeating this because like any mother she has to repeat herself to get the point across to her son.

Another type of poetic device is imagery. Some examples of imagery from this poem is when the mother says" bare floor, splinters,crystal stairs." She is trying to show how she sees the thing and how hard it was for her and what obsticle she had to overcome.She is trying to encourage her son to overcome any obsticle that stands in his way.

You could tell that she didnt have a good education because the way she talks

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“ Well in the poem ‘Mother to Son’ by Langston Hughes, a mother is encouraging her son not to give up because she didnt give up even though she past by some rough time. ”), but it is not fully developed. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the poem. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ One type of poetic devices is repetition.For example when the mother keeps on repeating ‘Life for me ain't no been no crystal stair’ ”), but they lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples of the poetic devices Hughes uses, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“ In this poem Langston Hughes uses different kinds of poetic devices to make sure to his point across to the readers ”) The conclusion is one simple sentence, which is neither insightful nor has any relation to the main idea of the essay. (“ You could tell that she didnt have a good education because the way she talks”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it is underdeveloped. The three body paragraphs are short, but they are adequately developed. This essay also lacks a conclusion to summarize the main points.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“In mother to son the sons mother is encouraging him to have determination”) The sentence structure is adequate for the task, although sentences are repetitious. (“She is trying to show how she sees the thing and how hard it was for her and what obsticle she had to overcome.She is trying to encourage her son to overcome any obsticle that stands in his way. ”) Overall, language use and style are limited and insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“obsticle ”), grammar (“ One type of poetic devices is repetition”) , and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poem "Mother to Son" Langston Hughes's mother talk about how hard has been. That her life was no crystal stair. Her life was instead a stair with tacks, and splinters.

The poem teaches a message that no matter what, do not give up and keep on trying,His mother tells him to keep on climbing no matter how many hard problems there are. No matter what keep on climbing because she was still climbing and life has been no crystal stair. The poems topic is about how to have perseverance and determination.Langston Hughes mother tells him"life ain't been no crystal stair."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea ( “In the poem ‘Mother to Son’ Langston Hughes's mother talk about how hard has been. That her life was no crystal stair. Her life was instead a stair with tacks, and splinters. ”), but it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to make any meaningful connections between the text and the task of explaining poetic devices in poetry. This shows that the writer has a poor understanding of both the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author simply talks about the theme of the poem, but fails to make any connections between this idea and the poetic devices Hughes uses. (“The poem teaches a message that no matter what, do not give up and keep on trying,His mother tells him to keep on climbing no matter how many hard problems there are. No matter what keep on climbing because she was still climbing and life has been no crystal stair.”) There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The introduction (“ In the poem "Mother to Son" Langston Hughes's mother talk about how hard has been. That her life was no crystal stair. Her life was instead a stair with tacks, and splinters. ”) and simple body paragraph lack focus; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre, repetitious language to address his/her audience. (“His mother tells him to keep on climbing no matter how many hard problems there are. No matter what keep on climbing because she was still climbing and life has been no crystal stair.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate. (“ The poems topic is about how to have perseverance and determination.Langston Hughes mother tells him"life ain't been no crystal stair."”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. However, some errors in spelling , grammar (“ In the poem "Mother to Son" Langston Hughes's mother talk about how hard has been.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have your parents ever told you how hard life was for them? Do they encourage you not to give up? In the poem "Mother to Son"Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult.Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices.

First of all,Hughes was dialect" Life

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this four-sentence response, the author briefly establishes a controlling idea, but fails to elaborate on it. (“In the poem ‘Mother to Son’Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult.Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices..”) The author has no understanding of the purpose or the audience and therefore completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author attempts to state a thesis and support it, but fails to use any relevant details from the text. (“In the poem ‘Mother to Son’Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult.Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices. ”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction (“ Have your parents ever told you how hard life was for them? Do they encourage you not to give up? In the poem ‘Mother to Son’Langston Hughes writes about a mother telling her son to keep going when life gets difficult.Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices.”) but lacks body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“Hughes makes his poem believable by using three important poetic devices. First of all,Hughes was dialect" Life”) It does, however, show no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this minimal response, it is impossible to determine whether or not the student has control over the conventions of standard written English. However, there are very few errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

Poor Decisions in Fairy Tales

Many of the most famous fairy tales are filled with characters who made poor decisions which led to the conflict in the story. Little Red Riding Hood unwisely spoke to the wolf on her way to her grandmother's house, for instance, while Goldilocks boldly entered the bears' house uninvited. Many more examples such as these abound in the fairy tales we enjoy.

Think about a familiar fairy tale. Write an essay in which you describe a poor decision made by one of the characters and how this decision led to the conflict in the story. What messages are the readers supposed to learn from this poor decision? Be sure to include specific details and examples to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In life, mistakes and poor decisions are made. Most of these poor decisions have repercussions, and those repercussions add to the climax of our very own lives. From those mistakes, lessons can also be learned. A poor decision is one that either fails or has consequences. An example of all of these is in the common fairy tale, "The Three Little Pigs." In this tale, three pig brothers build homes to protect themselves from a wolf. Two of the brothers are indolent and use either cheap sticks or hay to build their homes. The pigs also taunt and ridicule the Wolf, and then laugh at the brother's hard work when he says I am going to work hard and make a home of bricks. These poor decisions and negligence ultimately lead to the climax of both houses being blown down by the wolf, while the third, wiser brother's house is still standing. From these actions a climax is formed, and lessons are learned.

The tale of the Three Little Pigs is a popular fairy tale retold in many versions. The most famous story goes like this: three pig brothers meet a wolf in the middle of a forest. This wolf threatens to eat the three little pigs, so the pigs run away to an open field in horror. All the pigs decide to build homes as protection from the wolf. The first brother is unwise and used hay to build his flimsy home, and the second brother builds his unsteady home out of sticks. The third, wiser brother makes his home out of bricks. When the wolf goes to the first two brothers' houses, the same thing happens, the pigs taunt the wolf, the wolf gets tired of the ridicule, and the wolf "huffs" and puffs" their houses down. Both of the brothers run to the wise brother's home for safety, and when the wolf comes to blow it down, he can't, because the home is too strong. As you can see, this tale is plagued with poor decisions that fed into the climax of this common fairy tale.

One of the actions that led to the climax is the indolence and negligence of the first two pig brothers. They both used cheap, flimsy materials to build their homes. This poor decision led to the climax of the wolf blowing down their homes because their laziness made it easier for their homes to be blown down. If the first two brothers would have considered their third brother's idea of building a home of bricks, the climax would have been different. Perhaps their homes would never have been blown down in the first place. From this poor decision, a reader can learn that laziness is bad, that being a lesson taken from The Three Little Pigs.

Although the poor decision of building a horrible home did lead to the climax, there was another factor also added to the climax before the wolf blows down the first two brothers' homes. The first couple of pigs think it is a "genius" idea to taunt and ridicule the wolf with such quotes as, "You can't get us in here!" or "We're safe in our homes!" These taunts provoked the wolf into the ultimate climax of those houses being "huffed" and "puffed" down. Negligence and laziness made the homes far too easy to be blown down by the wolf. The pigs' fondness in their poorly built homes is what got them in the most trouble in this tale. The obvious lesson here would be not to brag about something not worth bragging about.

In the end, the two lazy pigs were saved by the patience and assiduity of their third brother. After the other pigs' poor decisions, another lesson can be learned from the wisest brother, patience and hard work pays off! This is shown at the end of the conflict with the wolf. The wisest brother's home was too well worked and built to ever be blown away. Both of the unwise brothers run to the last brother's brick fortress to be saved! The wolf couldn't blow down the wisest brother's home because the house was just too strong. So it was obvious that the poor decisions also added to the conflict and led to the resolution of this fairy tale as well.

So it is apparent that the poor decisions of the first two pigs led to the conflict of this tale. Indolence and laziness do not make for good values, neither does taunting! This is clearly proven in The Three Little Pigs with the examples of the pigs' cheap materials, and how ridicule led to the wolf blowing down the pigs' homes. As stated before, poor decisions lead to conflict and climax. These poor decisions also led to the tale's whole resolution! Overall, The Three Little Pigs is a clear example of poor decisions adding to the climax in fairy tales, and what we should learn from them. Next time a poor decision is made in your life, remember that it is merely adding to the conflict of your very own life. As shown in The Three Little Pigs, it also adds to the resolution of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the characters’ imprudent moments that led to conflicts. (“ This wolf threatens to eat the three little pigs, so the pigs run away to an open field in horror. All the pigs decide to build homes as protection from the wolf. The first brother is unwise and used hay to build his flimsy home, and the second brother builds his unsteady home out of sticks. The third, wiser brother makes his home out of bricks. When the wolf goes to the first two brothers' houses, the same thing happens, the pigs taunt the wolf, the wolf gets tired of the ridicule, and the wolf ‘huffs’ and puffs’ their houses down. Both of the brothers run to the wise brother's home for safety, and when the wolf comes to blow it down, he can't, because the home is too strong. ”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Although the poor decision of building a horrible home did lead to the climax, there was another factor also added to the climax before the wolf blows down the first two brothers' homes. The first couple of pigs think it is a ‘genius’ idea to taunt and ridicule the wolf with such quotes as, ‘You can't get us in here!’ or ‘We're safe in our homes!’ These taunts provoked the wolf into the ultimate climax of those houses being ‘huffed’ and ‘puffed’ down. Negligence and laziness made the homes far too easy to be blown down by the wolf. The pigs' fondness in their poorly built homes is what got them in the most trouble in this tale. The obvious lesson here would be not to brag about something not worth bragging about.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In the end, the two lazy pigs were saved by the patience and assiduity of their third brother. After the other pigs' poor decisions, another lesson can be learned from the wisest brother, patience and hard work pays off! This is shown at the end of the conflict with the wolf. The wisest brother's home was too well worked and built to ever be blown away. Both of the unwise brothers run to the last brother's brick fortress to be saved! The wolf couldn't blow down the wisest brother's home because the house was just too strong. So it was obvious that the poor decisions also added to the conflict and led to the resolution of this fairy tale as well.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story. (“When the wolf goes to the first two brothers' houses, the same thing happens, the pigs taunt the wolf, the wolf gets tired of the ridicule, and the wolf ‘huffs’ and puffs’ their houses down. Both of the brothers run to the wise brother's home for safety, and when the wolf comes to blow it down, he can't, because the home is too strong. As you can see, this tale is plagued with poor decisions that fed into the climax of this common fairy tale.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“One of the actions that led to the climax is the indolence and negligence of the first two pig brothers. They both used cheap, flimsy materials to build their homes. This poor decision led to the climax of the wolf blowing down their homes because their laziness made it easier for their homes to be blown down. If the first two brothers would have considered their third brother's idea of building a home of bricks, the climax would have been different. Perhaps their homes would never have been blown down in the first place. From this poor decision, a reader can learn that laziness is bad, that being a lesson taken from The Three Little Pigs.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Although the poor decision of building a horrible home did lead to the climax, there was another factor also added to the climax before the wolf blows down the first two brothers' homes. The first couple of pigs think it is a ‘genius’ idea to taunt and ridicule the wolf with such quotes as, ‘You can't get us in here!’ or ‘We're safe in our homes!’ These taunts provoked the wolf into the ultimate climax of those houses being ‘huffed’ and ‘puffed’ down. Negligence and laziness made the homes far too easy to be blown down by the wolf. The pigs' fondness in their poorly built homes is what got them in the most trouble in this tale. The obvious lesson here would be not to brag about something not worth bragging about.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention and clearly states the purpose of the essay. (“ In life, mistakes and poor decisions are made. Most of these poor decisions have repercussions, and those repercussions add to the climax of our very own lives. From those mistakes, lessons can also be learned. A poor decision is one that either fails or has consequences. An example of all of these is in the common fairy tale, "The Three Little Pigs." In this tale, three pig brothers build homes to protect themselves from a wolf. Two of the brothers are indolent and use either cheap sticks or hay to build their homes. The pigs also taunt and ridicule the Wolf, and then laugh at the brother's hard work when he says I am going to work hard and make a home of bricks. These poor decisions and negligence ultimately lead to the climax of both houses being blown down by the wolf, while the third, wiser brother's house is still standing. From these actions a climax is formed, and lessons are learned.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In the end, the two lazy pigs were saved by the patience and assiduity of their third brother. After the other pigs' poor decisions, another lesson can be learned from the wisest brother, patience and hard work pays off! This is shown at the end of the conflict with the wolf. The wisest brother's home was too well worked and built to ever be blown away. Both of the unwise brothers run to the last brother's brick fortress to be saved! The wolf couldn't blow down the wisest brother's home because the house was just too strong. So it was obvious that the poor decisions also added to the conflict and led to the resolution of this fairy tale as well.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves readers with something to think about. (“ So it is apparent that the poor decisions of the first two pigs led to the conflict of this tale. Indolence and laziness do not make for good values, neither does taunting! This is clearly proven in The Three Little Pigs with the examples of the pigs' cheap materials, and how ridicule led to the wolf blowing down the pigs' homes. As stated before, poor decisions lead to conflict and climax. These poor decisions also led to the tale's whole resolution! Overall, The Three Little Pigs is a clear example of poor decisions adding to the climax in fairy tales, and what we should learn from them. Next time a poor decision is made in your life, remember that it is merely adding to the conflict of your very own life. As shown in The Three Little Pigs, it also adds to the resolution of it.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant decisions made by characters in the fairy tale and how these decisions lead to conflict in the story. (“ In the end, the two lazy pigs were saved by the patience and assiduity of their third brother. After the other pigs' poor decisions, another lesson can be learned from the wisest brother, patience and hard work pays off! This is shown at the end of the conflict with the wolf. The wisest brother's home was too well worked and built to ever be blown away. Both of the unwise brothers run to the last brother's brick fortress to be saved! The wolf couldn't blow down the wisest brother's home because the house was just too strong. So it was obvious that the poor decisions also added to the conflict and led to the resolution of this fairy tale as well.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the poor decisions made by the first two pigs in the fairy tale; by the end of the response, readers clearly understand the connections between these poor decisions and the conflicts within the tale. (“ All the pigs decide to build homes as protection from the wolf. The first brother is unwise and used hay to build his flimsy home, and the second brother builds his unsteady home out of sticks. The third, wiser brother makes his home out of bricks. When the wolf goes to the first two brothers' houses, the same thing happens, the pigs taunt the wolf, the wolf gets tired of the ridicule, and the wolf ‘huffs’ and puffs’ their houses down. Both of the brothers run to the wise brother's home for safety, and when the wolf comes to blow it down, he can't, because the home is too strong. As you can see, this tale is plagued with poor decisions that fed into the climax of this common fairy tale.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ So it is apparent that the poor decisions of the first two pigs led to the conflict of this tale. Indolence and laziness do not make for good values, neither does taunting! This is clearly proven in The Three Little Pigs with the examples of the pigs' cheap materials, and how ridicule led to the wolf blowing down the pigs' homes. As stated before, poor decisions lead to conflict and climax. These poor decisions also led to the tale's whole resolution! Overall, The Three Little Pigs is a clear example of poor decisions adding to the climax in fairy tales, and what we should learn from them. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ If the first two brothers would have considered their third brother's idea of building a home of bricks, the climax would have been different. Perhaps their homes would never have been blown down in the first place. From this poor decision, a reader can learn that laziness is bad, that being a lesson taken from The Three Little Pigs.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever made a poor decision in life, just like many characters in fairy tales? Have you ever spoken to a stranger you were not supposed to, like Little Red Riding Hood? How about sneaking into someone's house without them knowing it or doing something you shouldn't have done? Today we'll see why some of these characters made these decisions and what problems are aroused by their actions. Let's begin by looking at Little Red Riding Hood and what she did on her way to her grandmother's house.

One day, Little Red Riding Hood was delivering warm cookies to her grandma. It was a warm and sunny day. But out in the dark wet woods was a big, hairy, grey wolf. Little Red Riding Hood unwisely spoke to the wolf. She told him that she was going to her grandmother's house, not knowing that the wolf was drooling of hunger and looking for lunch. Fortunately, Little Red Riding Hood was not eaten or hurt in any way by the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood strolled along and she could tell that it would be a warm and wonderful day with her grandmother.

The wolf was looking for grandmother. Quietly, the wolf sneaked into Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother's house. Poor grandmother screamed and kicked, but it wouldn't help to fend off the huge hungry wolf. She became the lunch of a very hungry wolf. The wolf was very satisfied of his catch. The wolf dressed up in grandmother's clothes and waited for his next victim, Little Red Riding Hood. Finally, the time came. There was a knock on the door, it must be Little Red Riding Hood. When Little Red Riding Hood saw her grandmother, she criticized how her grandmother had big watery eyes, big nose, sharper teeth, and especially her hair that was everywhere...all over her face and arms, unknowing that it was the wolf. The wolf said that it was normal for a person for his age. He also asked why Little Red Riding Hood didn't visit grandmother more; she had forgotten all about how she looked.

After a while, the wolf took the chance to catch her for the main course, after he enjoys his grandmother stew. She knew immediately that it was the wolf; her grandmother would never do such a thing to harm her. Grandmother was as sweet as honey. As they dodged each other, Little Red Riding Hood ran out the front door and locked it. The wolf would not fit through the tiny little door that was custom made for her grandmother's size. He came in the house by squeezing his way through the chimney.

The wolf scrambled to get up and out of the dusty chimney, filled with soot. As he struggled to climb up, he lost his grip and started coughing because of the dust and smoke. He fell in the boiling pot that held his fresh grandma stew. He shot out of the chimney like a shot from a cannon. There was a trail of smoke in the sky and also a faint thump sound. Little Red Riding Hood was safe, poor Little Red Riding Hood; this could all have been avoided if you didn't talk to strangers! Next time, tell them you're in a hurry for something and run away.

Little Red Riding Hood's poor decision was when she decided to talk to the wolf and tell him where she was going. The lesson learned from this story is to not talk to strangers. You wouldn't want to be eaten alive by a wolf! Little Red Riding Hood is lucky that she is still alive. Today, thousands of children and adults talk to people that they do not know. Many of them are in the risk of being kidnapped. Don't do what Little Red Riding Hood did and you will be proud of yourself. Just enjoy your cookies and your wonderful day with a family member, or your grandmother! Don't talk to strangers along the way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on Little Red Riding Hood’s poor decision of speaking to a stranger. The writer is effective in this approach and consistently keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Little Red Riding Hood's poor decision was when she decided to talk to the wolf and tell him where she was going. The lesson learned from this story is to not talk to strangers. You wouldn't want to be eaten alive by a wolf! Little Red Riding Hood is lucky that she is still alive. Today, thousands of children and adults talk to people that they do not know. Many of them are in the risk of being kidnapped. Don't do what Little Red Riding Hood did and you will be proud of yourself. Just enjoy your cookies and your wonderful day with a family member, or your grandmother!”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ One day, Little Red Riding Hood was delivering warm cookies to her grandma. It was a warm and sunny day. But out in the dark wet woods was a big, hairy, grey wolf. Little Red Riding Hood unwisely spoke to the wolf. She told him that she was going to her grandmother's house, not knowing that the wolf was drooling of hunger and looking for lunch. Fortunately, Little Red Riding Hood was not eaten or hurt in any way by the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood strolled along and she could tell that it would be a warm and wonderful day with her grandmother.”)

The essay is focused on providing details that show the dangers Little Red Riding Hood’s poor decision exposed her to throughout the story. (“ After a while, the wolf took the chance to catch her for the main course, after he enjoys his grandmother stew. She knew immediately that it was the wolf; her grandmother would never do such a thing to harm her. Grandmother was as sweet as honey. As they dodged each other, Little Red Riding Hood ran out the front door and locked it. The wolf would not fit through the tiny little door that was custom made for her grandmother's size. He came in the house by squeezing his way through the chimney.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The wolf scrambled to get up and out of the dusty chimney, filled with soot. As he struggled to climb up, he lost his grip and started coughing because of the dust and smoke. He fell in the boiling pot that held his fresh grandma stew. He shot out of the chimney like a shot from a cannon. There was a trail of smoke in the sky and also a faint thump sound. Little Red Riding Hood was safe, poor Little Red Riding Hood; this could all have been avoided if you didn't talk to strangers! Next time, tell them you're in a hurry for something and run away.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“When Little Red Riding Hood saw her grandmother, she criticized how her grandmother had big watery eyes, big nose, sharper teeth, and especially her hair that was everywhere...all over her face and arms, unknowing that it was the wolf. The wolf said that it was normal for a person for his age. He also asked why Little Red Riding Hood didn't visit grandmother more; she had forgotten all about how she looked. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“After a while, the wolf took the chance to catch her for the main course, after he enjoys his grandmother stew. She knew immediately that it was the wolf; her grandmother would never do such a thing to harm her. Grandmother was as sweet as honey. As they dodged each other, Little Red Riding Hood ran out the front door and locked it. The wolf would not fit through the tiny little door that was custom made for her grandmother's size. He came in the house by squeezing his way through the chimney.”)

Organization

The writer provides an introduction that encourages the readers to continue reading. (“ Have you ever made a poor decision in life, just like many characters in fairy tales? Have you ever spoken to a stranger you were not supposed to, like Little Red Riding Hood? How about sneaking into someone's house without them knowing it or doing something you shouldn't have done? Today we'll see why some of these characters made these decisions and what problems are aroused by their actions. Let's begin by looking at Little Red Riding Hood and what she did on her way to her grandmother's house.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ After a while, the wolf took the chance to catch her for the main course, after he enjoys his grandmother stew. She knew immediately that it was the wolf; her grandmother would never do such a thing to harm her. Grandmother was as sweet as honey. As they dodged each other, Little Red Riding Hood ran out the front door and locked it.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure and something to think about. (“ Little Red Riding Hood's poor decision was when she decided to talk to the wolf and tell him where she was going. The lesson learned from this story is to not talk to strangers. You wouldn't want to be eaten alive by a wolf! Little Red Riding Hood is lucky that she is still alive. Today, thousands of children and adults talk to people that they do not know. Many of them are in the risk of being kidnapped. Don't do what Little Red Riding Hood did and you will be proud of yourself. Just enjoy your cookies and your wonderful day with a family member, or your grandmother! Don't talk to strangers along the way.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ The wolf scrambled to get up and out of the dusty chimney, filled with soot. As he struggled to climb up, he lost his grip and started coughing because of the dust and smoke. He fell in the boiling pot that held his fresh grandma stew. He shot out of the chimney like a shot from a cannon. There was a trail of smoke in the sky and also a faint thump sound.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ The lesson learned from this story is to not talk to strangers. You wouldn't want to be eaten alive by a wolf! Little Red Riding Hood is lucky that she is still alive. Today, thousands of children and adults talk to people that they do not know. Many of them are in the risk of being kidnapped. Don't do what Little Red Riding Hood did and you will be proud of yourself. Just enjoy your cookies and your wonderful day with a family member, or your grandmother! Don't talk to strangers along the way. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Today we'll see why some of these characters made these decisions and what problems are aroused by their actions. Let's begin by looking at Little Red Riding Hood and what she did on her way to her grandmother's house. One day, Little Red Riding Hood was delivering warm cookies to her grandma. It was a warm and sunny day. But out in the dark wet woods was a big, hairy, grey wolf. Little Red Riding Hood unwisely spoke to the wolf. She told him that she was going to her grandmother's house, not knowing that the wolf was drooling of hunger and looking for lunch. Fortunately, Little Red Riding Hood was not eaten or hurt in any way by the wolf. Little Red Riding Hood strolled along and she could tell that it would be a warm and wonderful day with her grandmother.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ One day, Little Red Riding Hood was delivering warm cookies to her grandma. It was a warm and sunny day. But out in the dark wet woods was a big, hairy, grey wolf. Little Red Riding Hood unwisely spoke to the wolf. She told him that she was going to her grandmother's house, not knowing that the wolf was drooling of hunger and looking for lunch. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout all fairy tales a main or minor character in the story has made bad decisions. For example, Goldilocks made a bad decision by intruding the bear's house. Also, the little boy in the boy cried wolves made a bad decision in playing a practical joke. Even the little red riding hood made a bad decision in talking to the wolf and telling him where his grandma lives. These are all very famous fairy tales where the main character made an extremely bad decision. Most people may know these but what about some less famous stories like Rumpelstiltskin? Not many people know about that story therefore not knowing the characters or their bad decisions. In the fairy tale, "Rumpelstiltskin" I believe that the miller made a bad decision in saying his daughter can spin straw into gold.

In the beginning of the story, a miller tried to impress his king by saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. After the king heard this, he demanded to have the miller's daughter locked in a room with straw and a spinning wheel. The king said to spin the straw into gold for three nights or she will be killed.

The first night, she cries because she knows it is impossible to complete her task. Then, a dwarf comes and says he will spin the straw for her in return of her necklace and then leaves. The second night, the dwarf returns to do the same task for her ring. On the third night, the girl had nothing in return for the labor of the dwarf so she agreed to give him her first child. When the king came in to check on the work, he was so amazed that he decided to marry the miller's daughter to his son, the prince.

After this, they had a child and Rumpelstiltskin came to claim his prize. The new Queen begged the dwarf to take all of her wealth instead of the baby but he refused. Later on, they negotiated and the dwarf gave her three days to guess his name and she will be able to keep the baby. The first time, the queen got the name wrong but on the second night, a soldier of the queen saw him dancing around a fire singing his name. Then when the dwarf returned to hear the queen's guess, she said the right name because the soldier told her so she got to keep her child.

In this story, I think it was the miller's fault that this whole thing happened. He didn't have to brag about something that isn't true. First of all, what did he get out of doing that? Did he gain more bragging rights that his daughter is the queen? We all know that was a lie. All of the other characters in this story got a profit of some sort because of his lie besides him. Not to be selfish, but shouldn't he have done it for himself? It was also a bad decision because he put his daughter's life and her daughter's child's life in danger. If the dwarf didn't come spin the gold for the miller's daughter, she would have been killed by the king; thus meaning no baby.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer highlights the miller’s poor decision and provides adequate details so readers understand how the poor decision affected other characters in the story. (“In the fairy tale, ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ I believe that the miller made a bad decision in saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. In the beginning of the story, a miller tried to impress his king by saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. After the king heard this, he demanded to have the miller's daughter locked in a room with straw and a spinning wheel. The king said to spin the straw into gold for three nights or she will be killed.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the response. He/she outlines the young girl’s troubles as a result of her father’s poor decision. (“The first night, she cries because she knows it is impossible to complete her task. Then, a dwarf comes and says he will spin the straw for her in return of her necklace and then leaves. The second night, the dwarf returns to do the same task for her ring. On the third night, the girl had nothing in return for the labor of the dwarf so she agreed to give him her first child. When the king came in to check on the work, he was so amazed that he decided to marry the miller's daughter to his son, the prince. After this, they had a child and Rumpelstiltskin came to claim his prize. The new Queen begged the dwarf to take all of her wealth instead of the baby but he refused.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer serves as an objective observer to the story, and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“ In this story, I think it was the miller's fault that this whole thing happened. He didn't have to brag about something that isn't true. First of all, what did he get out of doing that? Did he gain more bragging rights that his daughter is the queen? We all know that was a lie. All of the other characters in this story got a profit of some sort because of his lie besides him. Not to be selfish, but shouldn't he have done it for himself? ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“In the fairy tale, ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ I believe that the miller made a bad decision in saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. In the beginning of the story, a miller tried to impress his king by saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. After the king heard this, he demanded to have the miller's daughter locked in a room with straw and a spinning wheel. The king said to spin the straw into gold for three nights or she will be killed.”)

The essay would benefit by including quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ The first night, she cries because she knows it is impossible to complete her task. Then, a dwarf comes and says he will spin the straw for her in return of her necklace and then leaves. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ After this, they had a child and Rumpelstiltskin came to claim his prize. The new Queen begged the dwarf to take all of her wealth instead of the baby but he refused. Later on, they negotiated and the dwarf gave her three days to guess his name and she will be able to keep the baby. ”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Throughout all fairy tales a main or minor character in the story has made bad decisions. For example, Goldilocks made a bad decision by intruding the bear's house. Also, the little boy in the boy cried wolves made a bad decision in playing a practical joke. Even the little red riding hood made a bad decision in talking to the wolf and telling him where his grandma lives. These are all very famous fairy tales where the main character made an extremely bad decision. Most people may know these but what about some less famous stories like Rumpelstiltskin? ”)

The writer employs transitions to adequately connect ideas. (“ The first night, she cries because she knows it is impossible to complete her task. Then, a dwarf comes and says he will spin the straw for her in return of her necklace and then leaves. The second night, the dwarf returns to do the same task for her ring. On the third night, the girl had nothing in return for the labor of the dwarf so she agreed to give him her first child. When the king came in to check on the work, he was so amazed that he decided to marry the miller's daughter to his son, the prince.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In this story, I think it was the miller's fault that this whole thing happened. He didn't have to brag about something that isn't true. First of all, what did he get out of doing that? Did he gain more bragging rights that his daughter is the queen? We all know that was a lie. All of the other characters in this story got a profit of some sort because of his lie besides him. Not to be selfish, but shouldn't he have done it for himself? It was also a bad decision because he put his daughter's life and her daughter's child's life in danger. If the dwarf didn't come spin the gold for the miller's daughter, she would have been killed by the king; thus meaning no baby.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In the beginning of the story, a miller tried to impress his king by saying his daughter can spin straw into gold. After the king heard this, he demanded to have the miller's daughter locked in a room with straw and a spinning wheel. The king said to spin the straw into gold for three nights or she will be killed.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of a narrator. (“ After this, they had a child and Rumpelstiltskin came to claim his prize. The new Queen begged the dwarf to take all of her wealth instead of the baby but he refused. Later on, they negotiated and the dwarf gave her three days to guess his name and she will be able to keep the baby. The first time, the queen got the name wrong but on the second night, a soldier of the queen saw him dancing around a fire singing his name. Then when the dwarf returned to hear the queen's guess, she said the right name because the soldier told her so she got to keep her child.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ It was also a bad decision because he put his daughter's life and her daughter's child's life in danger. If the dwarf didn't come spin the gold for the miller's daughter, she would have been killed by the king; thus meaning no baby.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“Not many people know about that story therefore not knowing the characters or their bad decisions. In the fairy tale, ‘Rumpelstiltskin’ I believe that the miller made a bad decision in saying his daughter can spin straw into gold.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A very famous fairytale that involes lots of poor decisions is the thrilling, heartwarming, and overall page-turning classic Pinoccio. The story of the prized puppet of a local marionette maker Gipetto, who comes to life as an almost real boy who must do what's right and tell the truth to succeed in his quest to become a real boy. The challenges he must face include sly foxes and show buisinessman, ilands of fun and whales with appetites, and most of all, Pinoccio must bare it all to achieve his one true goal.

Upon being granted semi-boyhood Pinoccio was told that he must always tell the truth no matter what happens. Because if he didn't, he'd have an extremely elongated nose. Secondly, he was told by the Blue Fairy that he must prove his worth by being a model citizen to become a real boy. For if he can not follow through with his only tasks, he will spend the rest of his days as a poor wooden puppet. The next day he must go off to school. Pinoccio is given money to buy books and is sent on his way. Whilst navigating his way through the streets of Italy Pinoccio meets a sly fox who offers him fame and fortune for the small amount of money he has for books. Pinoccio agrees and is taken and locked in a cage and forced to perform.

On top of that, he is then sent to an island of misbehavin boys who smoke and break laws non stop. Soon after arriving, the boys are all turned into donkeys for export trade. Alarmed and worried, Gipetto goes to try and save hs young puppet boy. Failed in his attemts, he is swallowed by a whale. Soon after Pinoccio joins him and they get out with courage and hope.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The challenges he must face include sly foxes and show buisinessman, ilands of fun and whales with appetites, and most of all, Pinoccio must bare it all to achieve his one true goal.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Pinocchio’s disobedience, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task; however, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“The next day he must go off to school. Pinoccio is given money to buy books and is sent on his way. Whilst navigating his way through the streets of Italy Pinoccio meets a sly fox who offers him fame and fortune for the small amount of money he has for books. Pinoccio agrees and is taken and locked in a cage and forced to perform.”)

The writer uses limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Soon after arriving, the boys are all turned into donkeys for export trade. Alarmed and worried, Gipetto goes to try and save hs young puppet boy. Failed in his attemts, he is swallowed by a whale. Soon after Pinoccio joins him and they get out with courage and hope.”)

Content & Development

Content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Upon being granted semi-boyhood Pinoccio was told that he must always tell the truth no matter what happens. Because if he didn't, he'd have an extremely elongated nose. Secondly, he was told by the Blue Fairy that he must prove his worth by being a model citizen to become a real boy. For if he can not follow through with his only tasks, he will spend the rest of his days as a poor wooden puppet. ”)

The essay has limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The next day he must go off to school. Pinoccio is given money to buy books and is sent on his way. Whilst navigating his way through the streets of Italy Pinoccio meets a sly fox who offers him fame and fortune for the small amount of money he has for books. Pinoccio agrees and is taken and locked in a cage and forced to perform.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“ On top of that, he is then sent to an island of misbehavin boys who smoke and break laws non stop. Soon after arriving, the boys are all turned into donkeys for export trade. Alarmed and worried, Gipetto goes to try and save hs young puppet boy. ”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ A very famous fairytale that involes lots of poor decisions is the thrilling, heartwarming, and overall page-turning classic Pinoccio. The story of the prized puppet of a local marionette maker Gipetto, who comes to life as an almost real boy who must do what's right and tell the truth to succeed in his quest to become a real boy. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The challenges he must face include sly foxes and show buisinessman, ilands of fun and whales with appetites, and most of all, Pinoccio must bare it all to achieve his one true goal. Upon being granted semi-boyhood Pinoccio was told that he must always tell the truth no matter what happens. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is very limited; it does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Failed in his attemts, he is swallowed by a whale. Soon after Pinoccio joins him and they get out with courage and hope. ”)

Language Use & Style

Many sentences are short and choppy. Adding more details would create varied and complex sentences. (“ The next day he must go off to school. Pinoccio is given money to buy books and is sent on his way. ”)

The writer attempts to demonstrate voice and style in the response. (“ On top of that, he is then sent to an island of misbehavin boys who smoke and break laws non stop. Soon after arriving, the boys are all turned into donkeys for export trade. Alarmed and worried, Gipetto goes to try and save hs young puppet boy. Failed in his attemts, he is swallowed by a whale. Soon after Pinoccio joins him and they get out with courage and hope. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the response, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Upon being granted semi-boyhood Pinoccio was told that he must always tell the truth no matter what happens. Because if he didn't, he'd have an extremely elongated nose. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and correct spelling of chosen words is selected. (“The challenges he must face include sly foxes and show buisinessman, ilands of fun and whales with appetites, and most of all, Pinoccio must bare it all to achieve his one true goal.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In many of the stories of the world characters make foolish mistakes such as in Goldylocks she trespasses the bears house which places her in a bad situation when the bears come home. Also in little red riding hood how the girl talks to the wolf and then that causes the wolf to make some trouble.

In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma.When little red riding hood gets there she sees the wolf in the clothes of her grandmother and says "Grandma what big ears you have" and the wolf says "All the better for hearing my dear" then the girl says "What big teeth you have". The wolf says all the better for eating my dear". Then the lumber jack walks in as the wolf is trying to eat the girl and kills the wolf and the grandma spills out, the story ends. The moral of the story is do not talk to strangers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea. The writer mentions a poor decision; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“ In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma.When little red riding hood gets there she sees the wolf in the clothes of her grandmother and says ‘Grandma what big ears you have’ and the wolf says ‘All the better for hearing my dear’ then the girl says ‘What big teeth you have’. The wolf says all the better for eating my dear’. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for poor decisions made in a fairy tale. (“In many of the stories of the world characters make foolish mistakes such as in Goldylocks she trespasses the bears house which places her in a bad situation when the bears come home. Also in little red riding hood how the girl talks to the wolf and then that causes the wolf to make some trouble. In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the poor decision. (“Then the lumber jack walks in as the wolf is trying to eat the girl and kills the wolf and the grandma spills out, the story ends. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The writer fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address Goldilocks’s poor decision of taking the shortcut to grandmother’s house, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“ In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ When little red riding hood gets there she sees the wolf in the clothes of her grandmother and says ‘Grandma what big ears you have’ and the wolf says ‘All the better for hearing my dear’ then the girl says ‘What big teeth you have’. The wolf says all the better for eating my dear’. Then the lumber jack walks in as the wolf is trying to eat the girl and kills the wolf and the grandma spills out, the story ends. ”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph response, there are insufficient ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Also in little red riding hood how the girl talks to the wolf and then that causes the wolf to make some trouble. In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In many of the stories of the world characters make foolish mistakes such as in Goldylocks she trespasses the bears house which places her in a bad situation when the bears come home. Also in little red riding hood how the girl talks to the wolf and then that causes the wolf to make some trouble.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that highlight the poor decisions made by characters in the fairy tale. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ In little red riding hood the girl goes to visit her grandma she ends up taking a shortcut through the woods and the way she runs into the wolf and talks to him which causes him to eat the grandma.When little red riding hood gets there she sees the wolf in the clothes of her grandmother and says ‘Grandma what big ears you have’ and the wolf says ‘All the better for hearing my dear" then the girl says ‘What big teeth you have’. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas but does provide a moral for readers to ponder. (“The moral of the story is do not talk to strangers.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Then the lumber jack walks in as the wolf is trying to eat the girl and kills the wolf and the grandma spills out, the story ends. ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ In many of the stories of the world characters make foolish mistakes such as in Goldylocks she trespasses the bears house which places her in a bad situation when the bears come home. ”)

There is no style employed by the writer in the essay. (“ Then the lumber jack walks in as the wolf is trying to eat the girl and kills the wolf and the grandma spills out, the story ends. The moral of the story is do not talk to strangers.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“When little red riding hood gets there she sees the wolf in the clothes of her grandmother and says ‘Grandma what big ears you have’ and the wolf says ‘All the better for hearing my dear’ then the girl says ‘What big teeth you have’. The wolf says all the better for eating my dear’.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. I think that that was a poor decision. I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what poor decisions the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“ I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address some of the poor decisions made by the character; however, he/she does not develop ideas in any way. (“ Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. I think that that was a poor decision. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. ”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. I think that that was a poor decision. I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ I think that that was a poor decision. I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.”)

Language Use & Style

There are sentence fragments in portions of the response. (“ When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Cinderella how after the ball and that guy came with the slipper and he dropped it and she had the other one and the step mom waited till the guy was gone and then she punished her by locking her in the closet. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“I also think that when the grumpy midget guy was mean to snow white and wouldn't wash up before dinner (eww!!!) that was a poor decision. When sleeping beauty pricked her finger on that wheel why would she make that bad decision.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Rikki-Tikki-Tavi” by Rudyard Kipling

The short story "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi" tells about Rikki's life with the family that rescued him and his subsequent challenges in the garden.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you describe the main conflict in this story. Be sure to use details from the story to make your description more vivid for the reader.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Rudyard Kipling's short story grabs the readers’ attention by using unusual characters and other factors to create an ongoing conflict. The conflict first begins as Rikki-tikki, a mongoose, hears Nag and Nagaina's conversation in the sluice. It then escalates as Nag attempts to kill Teddy's father, and a fierce battle begins. Towards the conclusion, Rikki-tikki uses his great strength and natural instincts to defeat the two cobras and keep the garden safe. In "Rikki-Tikki-Tavi", a young mongoose must face the dangers and consequences of fighting his natural enemy, the cobra, in order to keep his family safe.

Overhearing Nag and Nagaina talking, Rikki learns of the cobras' terrifying plot to kill Teddy and his family. After his adventure in the garden, Rikki-tikki roams the house during the night. The mongoose then hears a small squeak, coming from the muskrat Chuchundra. Afraid, Chuchundra cries and pleas with Rikki, hoping he will not get eaten. Once Rikki assures Chuchundra of his safety, the muskrat tells him of the cobras' favorite hideout, the sluice. Rikki then leans against the wall and listens to the faint sound of Nag’s and Nagaina's whispers. The cobras were discussing their plan to kill Teddy and the family. They believed that by exterminating the family, Rikki would leave, and the cobras would rule all of the Indian gardens. Cobras and mongooses are natural enemies; therefore, Rikki already disliked Nag and Nagaina. The father would be killed first, then Teddy, then the mother. The curious mongoose then decides to devise a plan in an attempt to keep the family safe. Nag and Nagaina's plot encourages the rise of the conflict, which escalates into a huge battle.

The conflict continues as the two cobras attempt to carry out their plan. Nag sneaks into the bathroom through the pipes and lies at the bottom of the water jar near the tub. He wants to strike Teddy's father when he is unarmed, with the element of surprise. As the night moves on, Nag falls asleep and Rikki moves into the bathroom, seeing the now unconscious cobra. The young mongoose first decides what he believes Nag's weakness is, and then bites the cobra's head. .Nag sharply moves about hoping to escape Rikki's strong hold, but is unsuccessful. Once Rikki believed Nag to be dead, he loosened his hold on the soft flesh, as Teddy's father entered the room. The old man brought his gun with him which he used to shoot Nag, though he was dead by that time. The next day, Nag was found by Nagaina near the garbage, outraged, and with a killing intent that was driven by revenge. The story of "Rikki-tikki-tavi" continues along with the growing conflict between Rikki and the last remaining cobra, Nagaina.

The climax of the story is finally put in play as the final battle between Rikki and Nagaina leads to one of the animal's deaths. Nagaina, enraged by Nag's death, protects her eggs at the secret home on the side of the wall where the sun is shining. Darzee's wife then distracts Nagaina, tricking her into thinking that her wing is broken, as Rikki sneakily crawls in the bed of the cobra eggs. Smashing the eggs, Darzee's wife quickly flies over to the mongoose stating that Nagaina has gone into the veranda and intends to harm the family. Rikki grabs the last unscathed egg and runs as quickly as his body allowed into the home. What he sees is Nagaina within striking distance of the unmoving boy Teddy. The young mongoose then attempts to persuade his enemy to trade the family's safety for her last egg.

As the two animals negotiate, Teddy's father pulls the small boy over the table, thus keeping him safe. Realizing she no longer has the advantage, Nagaina distracts Rikki, grabs the egg, and dashes across the garden. The curious mongoose soon follows after her. He is able to catch up and get a hold of her tail as Darzee's wife blocks the cobra's path. Nagaina, with Rikki still biting her tail, pulls the two into a rat hole and they continue their fight. Darzee, overlooking the scene, sings a depressing song, thinking the mongoose would not survive the brutal confrontation. To his surprise, Rikki climbs out of the hole stating that Nagaina was no longer alive. The bird then told the coppersmith who told all the creatures in the garden that the cobras had been killed and all was safe. With Nagaina's death and Teddy's rescue, Rikki was labeled as the family's hero, as well as the hero of all the Indian gardens.

The story of the mongoose Rikki-tikki tells the adventures of an animal that gets himself involved in a major battle and is later crowned a hero. Being natural enemies, the cobras and Rikki greatly dislike each other which cause much conflict in the garden. The hatred between the mongoose and the cobras increases as Nag attempts to kill Teddy's father, though, his plan is not carried through. Angered by Nag's death, Nagaina searches for revenge against Rikki, and uses Teddy as bait. The personified characters in "Rikki-tikki-tavi" have a large influence on the plot and conflict of the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the tense conflicts in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ As the two animals negotiate, Teddy's father pulls the small boy over the table, thus keeping him safe. Realizing she no longer has the advantage, Nagaina distracts Rikki, grabs the egg, and dashes across the garden. The curious mongoose soon follows after her. He is able to catch up and get a hold of her tail as Darzee's wife blocks the cobra's path. Nagaina, with Rikki still biting her tail, pulls the two into a rat hole and they continue their fight. Darzee, overlooking the scene, sings a depressing song, thinking the mongoose would not survive the brutal confrontation. To his surprise, Rikki climbs out of the hole stating that Nagaina was no longer alive. ”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The conflict first begins as Rikki-tikki, a mongoose, hears Nag and Nagaina's conversation in the sluice. It then escalates as Nag attempts to kill Teddy's father, and a fierce battle begins. Towards the conclusion, Rikki-tikki uses his great strength and natural instincts to defeat the two cobras and keep the garden safe. In ‘Rikki-Tikki-Tavi’, a young mongoose must face the dangers and consequences of fighting his natural enemy, the cobra, in order to keep his family safe.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ The climax of the story is finally put in play as the final battle between Rikki and Nagaina leads to one of the animal's deaths. Nagaina, enraged by Nag's death, protects her eggs at the secret home on the side of the wall where the sun is shining. Darzee's wife then distracts Nagaina, tricking her into thinking that her wing is broken, as Rikki sneakily crawls in the bed of the cobra eggs. Smashing the eggs, Darzee's wife quickly flies over to the mongoose stating that Nagaina has gone into the veranda and intends to harm the family. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“They believed that by exterminating the family, Rikki would leave, and the cobras would rule all of the Indian gardens. Cobras and mongooses are natural enemies; therefore, Rikki already disliked Nag and Nagaina. The father would be killed first, then Teddy, then the mother. The curious mongoose then decides to devise a plan in an attempt to keep the family safe. Nag and Nagaina's plot encourages the rise of the conflict, which escalates into a huge battle.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“To his surprise, Rikki climbs out of the hole stating that Nagaina was no longer alive. The bird then told the coppersmith who told all the creatures in the garden that the cobras had been killed and all was safe. With Nagaina's death and Teddy's rescue, Rikki was labeled as the family's hero, as well as the hero of all the Indian gardens. The story of the mongoose Rikki-tikki tells the adventures of an animal that gets himself involved in a major battle and is later crowned a hero. Being natural enemies, the cobras and Rikki greatly dislike each other which cause much conflict in the garden.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ The conflict continues as the two cobras attempt to carry out their plan. Nag sneaks into the bathroom through the pipes and lies at the bottom of the water jar near the tub. He wants to strike Teddy's father when he is unarmed, with the element of surprise. As the night moves on, Nag falls asleep and Rikki moves into the bathroom, seeing the now unconscious cobra. The young mongoose first decides what he believes Nag's weakness is, and then bites the cobra's head. .Nag sharply moves about hoping to escape Rikki's strong hold, but is unsuccessful. Once Rikki believed Nag to be dead, he loosened his hold on the soft flesh, as Teddy's father entered the room. The old man brought his gun with him which he used to shoot Nag, though he was dead by that time. ”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention by outlining the scenario taking place in the garden where the family resides. (“ Rudyard Kipling's short story grabs the readers’ attention by using unusual characters and other factors to create an ongoing conflict. The conflict first begins as Rikki-tikki, a mongoose, hears Nag and Nagaina's conversation in the sluice. It then escalates as Nag attempts to kill Teddy's father, and a fierce battle begins. Towards the conclusion, Rikki-tikki uses his great strength and natural instincts to defeat the two cobras and keep the garden safe. In ‘Rikki-Tikki-Tavi’, a young mongoose must face the dangers and consequences of fighting his natural enemy, the cobra, in order to keep his family safe.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As the two animals negotiate, Teddy's father pulls the small boy over the table, thus keeping him safe. Realizing she no longer has the advantage, Nagaina distracts Rikki, grabs the egg, and dashes across the garden. The curious mongoose soon follows after her. He is able to catch up and get a hold of her tail as Darzee's wife blocks the cobra's path. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion by summarizing the plot and leaving the readers with something to reflect on. (“ The story of the mongoose Rikki-tikki tells the adventures of an animal that gets himself involved in a major battle and is later crowned a hero. Being natural enemies, the cobras and Rikki greatly dislike each other which cause much conflict in the garden. The hatred between the mongoose and the cobras increases as Nag attempts to kill Teddy's father, though, his plan is not carried through. Angered by Nag's death, Nagaina searches for revenge against Rikki, and uses Teddy as bait. The personified characters in ‘Rikki-tikki-tavi’ have a large influence on the plot and conflict of the story.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events occurring between the enemies as they battle in the garden. (“ As the two animals negotiate, Teddy's father pulls the small boy over the table, thus keeping him safe. Realizing she no longer has the advantage, Nagaina distracts Rikki, grabs the egg, and dashes across the garden. The curious mongoose soon follows after her. He is able to catch up and get a hold of her tail as Darzee's wife blocks the cobra's path. Nagaina, with Rikki still biting her tail, pulls the two into a rat hole and they continue their fight. Darzee, overlooking the scene, sings a depressing song, thinking the mongoose would not survive the brutal confrontation. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the ongoing conflict between the main characters so that by the end of the response, the readers understand how the conflicts were resolved and how peace was restored to the garden and its inhabitants. (“ To his surprise, Rikki climbs out of the hole stating that Nagaina was no longer alive. The bird then told the coppersmith who told all the creatures in the garden that the cobras had been killed and all was safe. With Nagaina's death and Teddy's rescue, Rikki was labeled as the family's hero, as well as the hero of all the Indian gardens.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ Overhearing Nag and Nagaina talking, Rikki learns of the cobras' terrifying plot to kill Teddy and his family. After his adventure in the garden, Rikki-tikki roams the house during the night. The mongoose then hears a small squeak, coming from the muskrat Chuchundra. Afraid, Chuchundra cries and pleas with Rikki, hoping he will not get eaten. Once Rikki assures Chuchundra of his safety, the muskrat tells him of the cobras' favorite hideout, the sluice. Rikki then leans against the wall and listens to the faint sound of Nag’s and Nagaina's whispers. The cobras were discussing their plan to kill Teddy and the family. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ They believed that by exterminating the family, Rikki would leave, and the cobras would rule all of the Indian gardens. Cobras and mongooses are natural enemies; therefore, Rikki already disliked Nag and Nagaina. The father would be killed first, then Teddy, then the mother. The curious mongoose then decides to devise a plan in an attempt to keep the family safe. Nag and Nagaina's plot encourages the rise of the conflict, which escalates into a huge battle.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever seen a fight between a mongoose and a snake? Well, Rudyard Kipling wrote about it in Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. Rikki, a mongoose, was found and adopted by a family. In their garden, two evil snakes were being cruel to everyone. They killed some of the garden creatures and planned to kill his new family. Rikki was determined to protect his family. The main conflict in the story is that Rikki needs to overcome his fear and do the job that he was born to do. Rudyard, the author, shows that you can do anything you put your mind to.

Rikki was washed into a family's path by a flood. The family dried him off and fed him. They thought of Rikki as a pet. When he went outside, he discovered that there were two snakes causing trouble in the garden, Nag and Nagaina. Darzee and Darzee's wife, two birds, told him that Nag ate one of their eggs. Nag's wife, Nagaina, was wicked than Nag. While he was exploring the garden he saw a little snake who said, "I am death." It was then Rikki realized that a mongoose's job is to kill snakes. In the story, he was a little afraid at first. However, he felt that it was his duty to protect the family that had rescued him. So, at the spur of the moment, he bit the snake. The snake pulled and pulled, but Rikki didn't let go! Then the family rushed out to see what all the chaos was. They were proud of Rikki for saving them from the snake. This gave Rikki confidence to handle the other two trouble making snakes. The author is showing that sometimes we have to take small steps to gain confidence to achieve a goal.

Nag and Nagaina didn't like Rikki because he was interfering with their free reign of terror. They wanted to get rid of Rikki so they came up with a plan. If they killed the family, then Rikki would leave. The snakes plotted to kill the family one by one. Rikki overheard their plan and was not going to let that happen. He decided that he had to take action. One night, Nag went to bed in a rats house. Rikki was already there. He was thinking, "If I don't break his back at the first jump...He can still fight and if he fights-O Rikki!" He knew that he could not fail because he was the only one who could protect the family. Then he jumped! Nag threw and threw but Rikki didn't let go! Suddenly, Teddy's father came out and shot the snake. Nag was dead. This shows that Rikki was determined to do what he needed to do. He believed in himself and accomplished the task at hand.

Rikki knew that he had more work to do, and he would not quit until it was done. He needed to get rid of Nagaina. Rikki asked Darzee where Nagaina's eggs were. He wouldn't be quiet and answer. Finally, Rikki found out. He raced over there and crushed every egg in sight except for one. Then, out of the blue, he heard a noise coming from the house. He didn't have time to be fearful. He quickly ran home with the one egg in his mouth to use as a negotiating tool. Rikki found Nagaina swaying back and forward trying to kill Teddy. She said, "If you move, I'll strike, and if you don't move, I'll strike, Oh foolish people who killed Nag." Rikki said, "Turn around Nagaina; turn and fight." Nagaina turned slightly and saw the egg in his mouth. She slithered over to Rikki, forgetting about Teddy. She and Rikki were swaying and nipping at each other. Rikki had dropped the egg. Nagaina charged toward her egg. She grabbed it and raced away. Rikki ran after her all the way into her hole. The author shows that Rikki was not going give up until the job was done. The birds thought he was a goner. Out of the blue, Rikki popped up and said, "The trouble is over." Rikki was very brave and he went for his goal.

Overall, the situation was won by the good and not the evil. Rikki overcame his fear and did what he needed to do to protect the family. Rikki was a stranger when he washed in, but soon he got comfortable with the family. He took the job of protecting them. He defeated Nag and Nagaina. When he put his mind to it, he achieved his goal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses the entire essay on the conflicts in the garden and the qualities it takes for the mongoose to achieve his goal of protecting the family he comes to love. The writer is effective in this approach and skillfully keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ One night, Nag went to bed in a rats house. Rikki was already there. He was thinking, ‘If I don't break his back at the first jump...He can still fight and if he fights-O Rikki!’ He knew that he could not fail because he was the only one who could protect the family. Then he jumped! Nag threw and threw but Rikki didn't let go! Suddenly, Teddy's father came out and shot the snake. Nag was dead. This shows that Rikki was determined to do what he needed to do. He believed in himself and accomplished the task at hand.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Nag and Nagaina didn't like Rikki because he was interfering with their free reign of terror. They wanted to get rid of Rikki so they came up with a plan. If they killed the family, then Rikki would leave. The snakes plotted to kill the family one by one. Rikki overheard their plan and was not going to let that happen. He decided that he had to take action.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the ongoing conflict between Rikki and the cobras. (“ Rikki said, ‘Turn around Nagaina; turn and fight.’ Nagaina turned slightly and saw the egg in his mouth. She slithered over to Rikki, forgetting about Teddy. She and Rikki were swaying and nipping at each other. Rikki had dropped the egg. Nagaina charged toward her egg. She grabbed it and raced away. Rikki ran after her all the way into her hole. The author shows that Rikki was not going give up until the job was done. The birds thought he was a goner. Out of the blue, Rikki popped up and said, ‘The trouble is over.’”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Rikki was washed into a family's path by a flood. The family dried him off and fed him. They thought of Rikki as a pet. When he went outside, he discovered that there were two snakes causing trouble in the garden, Nag and Nagaina. Darzee and Darzee's wife, two birds, told him that Nag ate one of their eggs. Nag's wife, Nagaina, was wicked than Nag. While he was exploring the garden he saw a little snake who said, ‘I am death.’ It was then Rikki realized that a mongoose's job is to kill snakes. In the story, he was a little afraid at first. However, he felt that it was his duty to protect the family that had rescued him. So, at the spur of the moment, he bit the snake. The snake pulled and pulled, but Rikki didn't let go!”)

The essay includes specific details and dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ Rikki found Nagaina swaying back and forward trying to kill Teddy. She said, ‘If you move, I'll strike, and if you don't move, I'll strike, Oh foolish people who killed Nag.’ Rikki said, ‘Turn around Nagaina; turn and fight.’ Nagaina turned slightly and saw the egg in his mouth. She slithered over to Rikki, forgetting about Teddy. She and Rikki were swaying and nipping at each other. Rikki had dropped the egg. Nagaina charged toward her egg. She grabbed it and raced away.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Rikki knew that he had more work to do, and he would not quit until it was done. He needed to get rid of Nagaina. Rikki asked Darzee where Nagaina's eggs were. He wouldn't be quiet and answer. Finally, Rikki found out. He raced over there and crushed every egg in sight except for one. Then, out of the blue, he heard a noise coming from the house. He didn't have time to be fearful. He quickly ran home with the one egg in his mouth to use as a negotiating tool.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Have you ever seen a fight between a mongoose and a snake? Well, Rudyard Kipling wrote about it in Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. Rikki, a mongoose, was found and adopted by a family. In their garden, two evil snakes were being cruel to everyone. They killed some of the garden creatures and planned to kill his new family. Rikki was determined to protect his family. The main conflict in the story is that Rikki needs to overcome his fear and do the job that he was born to do. Rudyard, the author, shows that you can do anything you put your mind to.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ So, at the spur of the moment, he bit the snake. The snake pulled and pulled, but Rikki didn't let go! Then the family rushed out to see what all the chaos was. They were proud of Rikki for saving them from the snake. This gave Rikki confidence to handle the other two trouble making snakes.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Overall, the situation was won by the good and not the evil. Rikki overcame his fear and did what he needed to do to protect the family. Rikki was a stranger when he washed in, but soon he got comfortable with the family. He took the job of protecting them. He defeated Nag and Nagaina. When he put his mind to it, he achieved his goal.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. Appropriate use of language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience is present. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ He raced over there and crushed every egg in sight except for one. Then, out of the blue, he heard a noise coming from the house. He didn't have time to be fearful. He quickly ran home with the one egg in his mouth to use as a negotiating tool. Rikki found Nagaina swaying back and forward trying to kill Teddy. She said, ‘If you move, I'll strike, and if you don't move, I'll strike, Oh foolish people who killed Nag.’”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ They were proud of Rikki for saving them from the snake. This gave Rikki confidence to handle the other two trouble making snakes. The author is showing that sometimes we have to take small steps to gain confidence to achieve a goal. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ While he was exploring the garden he saw a little snake who said, ‘I am death.’ It was then Rikki realized that a mongoose's job is to kill snakes. In the story, he was a little afraid at first. However, he felt that it was his duty to protect the family that had rescued him. So, at the spur of the moment, he bit the snake. The snake pulled and pulled, but Rikki didn't let go! Then the family rushed out to see what all the chaos was. They were proud of Rikki for saving them from the snake. This gave Rikki confidence to handle the other two trouble making snakes. The author is showing that sometimes we have to take small steps to gain confidence to achieve a goal.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ The snakes plotted to kill the family one by one. Rikki overheard their plan and was not going to let that happen. He decided that he had to take action. One night, Nag went to bed in a rats house. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever seen a cobra? What about a mongoose killing a cobra? Rikki-Tikki-Tavi written by Rudyard Kipling is about a mongoose that washes ashore from a river, and is found by a family in India . When he is there he grows close to the family. He spends most of his time in the garden and finds two cobras named Nag and Nagaina who are planning to kill the family so they can have the garden for them and their eggs. See how Rikki-Tikki-Tavi heroically defends the family from these snakes. This mongoose makes a point that good always triumphs over evil.

In this story Rikki-Tikki runs into problems. Darzee, the tailorbird, and his wife meet Rikki-Tikki and mention that they are very miserable. The mongoose had asked what had happened. The tailorbird said one of our babies had fallen out of the nest yesterday, and Nag ate him. Rikki asked Who is Nag? I am Nag came a voice, Rikki-Tikki turned around and standing behind him was a five foot tall cobra from tongue to tail. Rikki-Tikki was frightened and knew that Nag was too. Watch out yelled Darzee's wife to the mongoose as he jumped in the air and under him came Nag's wife Nagaina. The two cobras had threatened him and left. Rikki-Tikki had spoken to Chuchundra, a muskrat, he had said that Nag was all around, and in a faint sound he knew that he had heard scales on the brick ground. Chuchundra also said that Nag was planning to kill Teddy's dad in the bathroom that night. Rikki-Tikki went into the bathroom and to his surprise saw Nag. Rikki-Tikki attacked him and bit him in the neck and killed him. The big man said He has saved our lives. The family had been very grateful.

The next day Rikki-Tikki had been tired from the other night, when he killed Nag. Darzee, the Tailorbird, was singing Hooray, the great Nag is dead. Darzee meant that Nag was gone and his family was safe, but he forgot about Nagaina. This shows that Nagaina was ready to kill. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. Rikki had killed all of her eggs except for one and was taunting Nagaina with it. Nagaina was worried about her egg and wanted it back. Rikki-Tikki was dancing around the egg not paying attention, and Nagaina snatched the egg and ran down the garden path. Rikki chased after her. It was now a do or die situation. Nagaina went down in her hole dragging Rikki-Tikki with her. Darzee started singing that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was dead. Then unexpectedly Rikki-Tikki came out of her hole saying "Nagaina will never come back out of this hole."

In conclusion, The little family in India had changed Rikki-Tikki's life, and Rikki-Tikki had changed theirs. With Nag and Nagaina dead as a doornail, the garden was safe thanks to Rikki-Tikki-Tavi the cobra slaying mongoose. This is a good story because it demonstrates that good always triumphs over evil.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects events that clearly emphasize the conflicts raging in the garden and provides adequate details so readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“The next day Rikki-Tikki had been tired from the other night, when he killed Nag. Darzee, the Tailorbird, was singing Hooray, the great Nag is dead. Darzee meant that Nag was gone and his family was safe, but he forgot about Nagaina. This shows that Nagaina was ready to kill. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. Rikki had killed all of her eggs except for one and was taunting Nagaina with it. Nagaina was worried about her egg and wanted it back. Rikki-Tikki was dancing around the egg not paying attention, and Nagaina snatched the egg and ran down the garden path. Rikki chased after her. It was now a do or die situation. Nagaina went down in her hole dragging Rikki-Tikki with her. Darzee started singing that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was dead. Then unexpectedly Rikki-Tikki came out of her hole saying ‘Nagaina will never come back out of this hole.’”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer provides details that illustrate the ongoing conflict between the mongoose and the cobras. (“ Watch out yelled Darzee's wife to the mongoose as he jumped in the air and under him came Nag's wife Nagaina. The two cobras had threatened him and left. Rikki-Tikki had spoken to Chuchundra, a muskrat, he had said that Nag was all around, and in a faint sound he knew that he had heard scales on the brick ground. Chuchundra also said that Nag was planning to kill Teddy's dad in the bathroom that night. Rikki-Tikki went into the bathroom and to his surprise saw Nag. Rikki-Tikki attacked him and bit him in the neck and killed him. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Have you ever seen a cobra? What about a mongoose killing a cobra? Rikki-Tikki-Tavi written by Rudyard Kipling is about a mongoose that washes ashore from a river, and is found by a family in India . When he is there he grows close to the family. He spends most of his time in the garden and finds two cobras named Nag and Nagaina who are planning to kill the family so they can have the garden for them and their eggs. See how Rikki-Tikki-Tavi heroically defends the family from these snakes. This mongoose makes a point that good always triumphs over evil.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ Darzee, the tailorbird, and his wife meet Rikki-Tikki and mention that they are very miserable. The mongoose had asked what had happened. The tailorbird said one of our babies had fallen out of the nest yesterday, and Nag ate him. Rikki asked Who is Nag? I am Nag came a voice, Rikki-Tikki turned around and standing behind him was a five foot tall cobra from tongue to tail. Rikki-Tikki was frightened and knew that Nag was too. Watch out yelled Darzee's wife to the mongoose as he jumped in the air and under him came Nag's wife Nagaina. The two cobras had threatened him and left. ”)

The essay includes paraphrased dialogue (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ The next day Rikki-Tikki had been tired from the other night, when he killed Nag. Darzee, the Tailorbird, was singing Hooray, the great Nag is dead. Darzee meant that Nag was gone and his family was safe, but he forgot about Nagaina. This shows that Nagaina was ready to kill. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. Rikki had killed all of her eggs except for one and was taunting Nagaina with it. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ Rikki had killed all of her eggs except for one and was taunting Nagaina with it. Nagaina was worried about her egg and wanted it back. Rikki-Tikki was dancing around the egg not paying attention, and Nagaina snatched the egg and ran down the garden path. Rikki chased after her. It was now a do or die situation. Nagaina went down in her hole dragging Rikki-Tikki with her. Darzee started singing that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was dead. ”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever seen a cobra? What about a mongoose killing a cobra? Rikki-Tikki-Tavi written by Rudyard Kipling is about a mongoose that washes ashore from a river, and is found by a family in India . When he is there he grows close to the family. He spends most of his time in the garden and finds two cobras named Nag and Nagaina who are planning to kill the family so they can have the garden for them and their eggs. See how Rikki-Tikki-Tavi heroically defends the family from these snakes. This mongoose makes a point that good always triumphs over evil.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ The next day Rikki-Tikki had been tired from the other night, when he killed Nag. Darzee, the Tailorbird, was singing Hooray, the great Nag is dead. Darzee meant that Nag was gone and his family was safe, but he forgot about Nagaina. This shows that Nagaina was ready to kill. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In conclusion, The little family in India had changed Rikki-Tikki's life, and Rikki-Tikki had changed theirs. With Nag and Nagaina dead as a doornail, the garden was safe thanks to Rikki-Tikki-Tavi the cobra slaying mongoose. This is a good story because it demonstrates that good always triumphs over evil.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ In this story Rikki-Tikki runs into problems. Darzee, the tailorbird, and his wife meet Rikki-Tikki and mention that they are very miserable. The mongoose had asked what had happened. The tailorbird said one of our babies had fallen out of the nest yesterday, and Nag ate him. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she conveys the plight of the animals fighting for their freedom from the vicious cobras. (“ Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. Rikki had killed all of her eggs except for one and was taunting Nagaina with it. Nagaina was worried about her egg and wanted it back. Rikki-Tikki was dancing around the egg not paying attention, and Nagaina snatched the egg and ran down the garden path. Rikki chased after her. It was now a do or die situation. Nagaina went down in her hole dragging Rikki-Tikki with her.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Rikki-Tikki was dancing around the egg not paying attention, and Nagaina snatched the egg and ran down the garden path. Rikki chased after her. It was now a do or die situation. Nagaina went down in her hole dragging Rikki-Tikki with her. Darzee started singing that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi was dead. Then unexpectedly Rikki-Tikki came out of her hole saying ‘Nagaina will never come back out of this hole.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“Darzee meant that Nag was gone and his family was safe, but he forgot about Nagaina. This shows that Nagaina was ready to kill. Rikki-Tikki-Tavi knew that Nagaina kept her eggs in the garden bed, so Darzees wife had acted that her wing was broken to distract Nagaina, but she didn't fall for it and went to kill teddy's family. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The story RikkyTikki Tavi by Rudyard Kipling is about how a young mongoose must kill two vicous cobras named Nag and Nagina to save his family. What will happen to Rikki when he goes up against two evil cobra Nag and Nagina?

The story starts on schorching summer day when a summer flood washes Rikky out of his home and into a garden. Soon after a young boy named Teddy finds Rikki and brings him into his family's bungalow. Then Rikkygoes into the green garden and meets Dazzle a blue jay whose eggs where just eaten by the garden cobras Nag and his vicous wife Nagina. Rikki askes " who are these cobras you speak of". But Dazzle keeps crying "they ate my eggs". Then comes in Nag then Nag says " the great God Braham put his symbol on me I shaded him as he slept in the sun" then Dazzle yells " LOOK OUT"!. As Nagina tries to bite Rikki on his head but Rikki side steps out of the way to avoid the deathly bite. Soon Rikki meets Karan a huge snake but Rikki soon jumps on his back and bites killing the snake.

Then the next day while everyone is sleep Rikki hears a plan that Nag and Nagina are disscussing how to get rid of Rikki by klling the family beacuse if the family Rikki will soon leave so they can raise there baby's here in the garden. So when Nag hides in the bowl next to the bathtube he falls asleep and Rikki makes his move by jumping and biting Nags bite the cobra tries to swing the mongoose of but the bite is to powerful soon the dad wakes up and shoots the cobra in half. later that morning Daze is singing a song of Nag is dead but Rikki soon is mad at the bird and says tell me where Angina's eggs are or I'll bite you soon they make a plan and when Nagina slithers by Daze fakes that her wing is broke and that she can't move to keep Nagina away from her eggs so Rikki can kill them before they hatch so he only has to worry about Nagina. He arrives at the watermelon bed and kills them by ripping of the top of the egg and smashing the young cobra's heads. But saves one egg and runs to the veranda to save his family by the time he gets there his family is white as snow and he sees Nagina coiled up on the table swaying to and fro. Soon she sees the egg out of the corner of her and tells Rikki to give her the egg but he runs toward her and soon Nagina gets the egg but Rikki grabs the end of her tail and she drags him into a hole but soon Rikki appears victorious.

In conclusion I think the story Rikki Tikki Tavi is a wonderful story for children and adults of all age. The author's message is stay loyal to family and friends. So that's the story of a young mongoose named Rikki Tikki Tavi the bravest mongoose to live.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The story RikkyTikki Tavi by Rudyard Kipling is about how a young mongoose must kill two vicous cobras named Nag and Nagina to save his family. What will happen to Rikki when he goes up against two evil cobra Nag and Nagina?”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the conflict between the mongoose and the cobras, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“ So when Nag hides in the bowl next to the bathtube he falls asleep and Rikki makes his move by jumping and biting Nags bite the cobra tries to swing the mongoose of but the bite is to powerful soon the dad wakes up and shoots the cobra in half. later that morning Daze is singing a song of Nag is dead but Rikki soon is mad at the bird and says tell me where Angina's eggs are or I'll bite you soon they make a plan and when Nagina slithers by Daze fakes that her wing is broke and that she can't move to keep Nagina away from her eggs so Rikki can kill them before they hatch so he only has to worry about Nagina. ”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ Then the next day while everyone is sleep Rikki hears a plan that Nag and Nagina are disscussing how to get rid of Rikki by klling the family beacuse if the family Rikki will soon leave so they can raise there baby's here in the garden. So when Nag hides in the bowl next to the bathtube he falls asleep and Rikki makes his move by jumping and biting Nags bite the cobra tries to swing the mongoose of but the bite is to powerful soon the dad wakes up and shoots the cobra in half. later that morning Daze is singing a song of Nag is dead but Rikki soon is mad at the bird and says tell me where Angina's eggs are or I'll bite you soon they make a plan and when Nagina slithers by Daze fakes that her wing is broke and that she can't move to keep Nagina away from her eggs so Rikki can kill them before they hatch so he only has to worry about Nagina. He arrives at the watermelon bed and kills them by ripping of the top of the egg and smashing the young cobra's heads. But saves one egg and runs to the veranda to save his family by the time he gets there his family is white as snow and he sees Nagina coiled up on the table swaying to and fro. ”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The story starts on schorching summer day when a summer flood washes Rikky out of his home and into a garden. Soon after a young boy named Teddy finds Rikki and brings him into his family's bungalow. Then Rikkygoes into the green garden and meets Dazzle a blue jay whose eggs where just eaten by the garden cobras Nag and his vicous wife Nagina. Rikki askes ‘ who are these cobras you speak of’. But Dazzle keeps crying ‘they ate my eggs’. ”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Then comes in Nag then Nag says’ the great God Braham put his symbol on me I shaded him as he slept in the sun’ then Dazzle yells ‘ LOOK OUT’!. As Nagina tries to bite Rikki on his head but Rikki side steps out of the way to avoid the deathly bite. Soon Rikki meets Karan a huge snake but Rikki soon jumps on his back and bites killing the snake.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“He arrives at the watermelon bed and kills them by ripping of the top of the egg and smashing the young cobra's heads. But saves one egg and runs to the veranda to save his family by the time he gets there his family is white as snow and he sees Nagina coiled up on the table swaying to and fro. Soon she sees the egg out of the corner of her and tells Rikki to give her the egg but he runs toward her and soon Nagina gets the egg but Rikki grabs the end of her tail and she drags him into a hole but soon Rikki appears victorious.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by posing a question at the end. (“ The story RikkyTikki Tavi by Rudyard Kipling is about how a young mongoose must kill two vicous cobras named Nag and Nagina to save his family. What will happen to Rikki when he goes up against two evil cobra Nag and Nagina? ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The story starts on schorching summer day when a summer flood washes Rikky out of his home and into a garden. Soon after a young boy named Teddy finds Rikki and brings him into his family's bungalow. Then Rikkygoes into the green garden and meets Dazzle a blue jay whose eggs where just eaten by the garden cobras Nag and his vicous wife Nagina. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to endorse the story and reveal its theme. It does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ In conclusion I think the story Rikki Tikki Tavi is a wonderful story for children and adults of all age. The author's message is stay loyal to family and friends. So that's the story of a young mongoose named Rikki Tikki Tavi the bravest mongoose to live. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use along with some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ later that morning Daze is singing a song of Nag is dead but Rikki soon is mad at the bird and says tell me where Angina's eggs are or I'll bite you soon they make a plan and when Nagina slithers by Daze fakes that her wing is broke and that she can't move to keep Nagina away from her eggs so Rikki can kill them before they hatch so he only has to worry about Nagina. ”)

Although the writer manages to give a sense of the scenario in the bathroom, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events for readers to relate to the conflicts between the characters. (“ So when Nag hides in the bowl next to the bathtube he falls asleep and Rikki makes his move by jumping and biting Nags bite the cobra tries to swing the mongoose of but the bite is to powerful soon the dad wakes up and shoots the cobra in half. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He arrives at the watermelon bed and kills them by ripping of the top of the egg and smashing the young cobra's heads. But saves one egg and runs to the veranda to save his family by the time he gets there his family is white as snow and he sees Nagina coiled up on the table swaying to and fro. Soon she sees the egg out of the corner of her and tells Rikki to give her the egg but he runs toward her and soon Nagina gets the egg but Rikki grabs the end of her tail and she drags him into a hole but soon Rikki appears victorious.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“The story starts on schorching summer day when a summer flood washes Rikky out of his home and into a garden. Soon after a young boy named Teddy finds Rikki and brings him into his family's bungalow. Then Rikkygoes into the green garden and meets Dazzle a blue jay whose eggs where just eaten by the garden cobras Nag and his vicous wife Nagina.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Well I just finshed reading rikkitikkitvi,it is a story it is written by Rudyard Kipling. It is a story about a mongoose-rikkitikkitavi trying to save his owners. Rikkitikki tries to save his owners from the two crobras one the cobras are Nag and Nagaina. Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. Rikkitikkitavi is a brave, smart, and his eyes get red when he is very mad. Darzeee is a tailor bird he is smart and very smart. Nag and Nagaina the two mean cobras, they are very mean and fast .The story all takes place in a nice glamerious garden, it is full of rosesand green grass.

The conflict of this story is that Nag and Nagaina want to kill Rikkitikki so it will be easier to kill Rikkitikkis owners. The solution to this problem is that rikkitikki sends darzee so he can distract Nag. So then rikkitikki can try to get and kill Nags eggs. Rikkitikki wants to kill Nags eggs so there won't be any more cobras that can hurt there family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea. The writer mentions the conflict occurring in the garden; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Rikkitikki tries to save his owners from the two crobras one the cobras are Nag and Nagaina. Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. Rikkitikkitavi is a brave, smart, and his eyes get red when he is very mad. Darzeee is a tailor bird he is smart and very smart. Nag and Nagaina the two mean cobras, they are very mean and fast .The story all takes place in a nice glamerious garden, it is full of rosesand green grass.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the conflicts occurring between the animals in the story. (“The conflict of this story is that Nag and Nagaina want to kill Rikkitikki so it will be easier to kill Rikkitikkis owners. The solution to this problem is that rikkitikki sends darzee so he can distract Nag.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the conflict. (“So then rikkitikki can try to get and kill Nags eggs. Rikkitikki wants to kill Nags eggs so there won't be any more cobras that can hurt there family.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the conflict that exists between the mongoose and the cobras, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“The conflict of this story is that Nag and Nagaina want to kill Rikkitikki so it will be easier to kill Rikkitikkis owners. The solution to this problem is that rikkitikki sends darzee so he can distract Nag. So then rikkitikki can try to get and kill Nags eggs. Rikkitikki wants to kill Nags eggs so there won't be any more cobras that can hurt there family.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. ”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“It is a story about a mongoose-rikkitikkitavi trying to save his owners. Rikkitikki tries to save his owners from the two crobras one the cobras are Nag and Nagaina. Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. Rikkitikkitavi is a brave, smart, and his eyes get red when he is very mad. Darzeee is a tailor bird he is smart and very smart. Nag and Nagaina the two mean cobras, they are very mean and fast .The story all takes place in a nice glamerious garden, it is full of rosesand green grass.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Well I just finshed reading rikkitikkitvi,it is a story it is written by Rudyard Kipling. It is a story about a mongoose-rikkitikkitavi trying to save his owners.”)

The writing does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the conflicts the writer is attempting to focus on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ Rikkitikki tries to save his owners from the two crobras one the cobras are Nag and Nagaina. Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. Rikkitikkitavi is a brave, smart, and his eyes get red when he is very mad. Darzeee is a tailor bird he is smart and very smart. Nag and Nagaina the two mean cobras, they are very mean and fast . ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“The conflict of this story is that Nag and Nagaina want to kill Rikkitikki so it will be easier to kill Rikkitikkis owners. The solution to this problem is that rikkitikki sends darzee so he can distract Nag. So then rikkitikki can try to get and kill Nags eggs. Rikkitikki wants to kill Nags eggs so there won't be any more cobras that can hurt there family.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Many of the sentences are too short. (“ Rikkitikki makes a plann to save his owners. The plan works out perfectly and it all takes place in a very nice garden. Rikkitikkitavi is a brave, smart, and his eyes get red when he is very mad. ”)

Exact words are missing, or incorrect word selections are employed in some of the sentences. (“ Rikkitikki wants to kill Nags eggs so there won't be any more cobras that can hurt there family.”)

There is repetition. (“ Well I just finshed reading rikkitikkitvi,it is a story it is written by Rudyard Kipling. It is a story about a mongoose-rikkitikkitavi trying to save his owners. Rikkitikki tries to save his owners from the two crobras one the cobras are Nag and Nagaina. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Nag and Nagaina the two mean cobras, they are very mean and fast .The story all takes place in a nice glamerious garden, it is full of rosesand green grass.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The story is about a mongoose that is living with a family that take care of Rikki-tikki the mongoose. By the time that the mongoose was cured he started exploring the house that he was in for a mongoose exploring is the best thing that they do. A soon as he was done with the house he disaded to exsplore the yarde.In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“ The story is about a mongoose that is living with a family that take care of Rikki-tikki the mongoose. By the time that the mongoose was cured he started exploring the house that he was in for a mongoose exploring is the best thing that they do. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ A soon as he was done with the house he disaded to exsplore the yarde.In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the conflicts occurring in the story, but does not provide enough details for the readers to get a sense of what those conflicts may be. (“In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin…”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The story is about a mongoose that is living with a family that take care of Rikki-tikki the mongoose. By the time that the mongoose was cured he started exploring the house that he was in for a mongoose exploring is the best thing that they do. A soon as he was done with the house he disaded to exsplore the yarde.In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The story is about a mongoose that is living with a family that take care of Rikki-tikki the mongoose. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ By the time that the mongoose was cured he started exploring the house that he was in for a mongoose exploring is the best thing that they do. A soon as he was done with the house he disaded to exsplore the yarde. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transitional words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ By the time that the mongoose was cured he started exploring the house that he was in for a mongoose exploring is the best thing that they do. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Rikki-tikki being not knowing who Nag was he ask like if nothig was goin”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ A soon as he was done with the house he disaded to exsplore the yarde.In the yarde he found a paire of Tailorbids Darzee and his wife bouthe miserable because one of there babies hade fell from there nest and Nag ate him. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Seventh Grade” by Gary Soto

Gary Soto’s story “Seventh Grade” entertains the reader with the common experience of a boy’s embarrassment while trying to impress a girl.

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the consequences of Victor’s actions and what you would have done if you were in his shoes. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the short story "Seventh Grade" by Gary Soto, the main character, Victor, spends his first day of school pursuing the girl he likes, Teresa. He signs up for the same elective she is taking, French, so he can be with her in at least one class. This, however, leads to his embarrassment, as he finds himself in a "sticky" situation when they are in French class after lunch. In the end, Victor learns an important lesson about being yourself, rather than trying to impress a girl by pretending to be someone you are not.

Victor spends his first day of school "scoping out" Teresa. He lingers in homeroom to walk out with her, so that he will have the chance to say something impressive to knock her off her feet. However, when Teresa sees Victor and is friendly to him, he tries to act macho and tough, and says "Yeah, that's me," in response to her simple "Hi, Victor!" As they part ways, Victor berates himself for not having responded in a friendlier tone. Later, at lunch, he leaves his friend Michael when he realizes that Teresa is not eating in the cafeteria. He spends his lunch period pretending to read his math book, when in fact, he is really hoping to find Teresa so they can walk to French class together. Their eyes meet, and they walk to class making small talk.

When the two seventh graders arrive at French, there are only seats up in the front. So, Victor and Teresa sit near each other in the front of the classroom. Mr. Bueller, the teacher, asks the students if anyone speaks French. Victor, without thinking, raises his hand in the hopes of impressing Teresa. Unfortunately, he doesn't give any thought to the consequences of his actions. Obviously, if he raises his hand, he is taking the risk that Mr. Bueller will ask him to speak in front of the class -- which is exactly what happens. Poor Victor is now forced to either admit to the class (in front of the girl of his affections) that he was lying, or try to bluff his way out of the situation.

Victor opts for bluffing. He tries to mumble some silly, made-up words that sound French, hoping Mr. Bueller will not notice and let it pass. No such luck. Mr. Bueller asks Victor to repeat what he said in a louder voice, and Victor continues with the bluff. He says the same goofy words in a silly French accent. Now Victor is really suffering the consequences of his actions, as he is blushing and sweating, worried that Mr. Bueller will embarrass him further. However, he is lucky when Mr. Bueller just lets it go and returns to the lesson.

At the end of the story, Teresa and Victor find themselves facing each other, alone in class, with only Mr. Bueller around to hear their conversation. Teresa compliments Victor on his ability to speak French, and she is beaming at him with a smile. Victor is dying inside, afraid that now Mr. Bueller will reveal him for the fraud that he is, causing Teresa to laugh at him and perhaps never be interested in Victor again. Mr. Bueller, however, remembers what it is like to try to impress a girl, and being a romantic, simply smiles and looks down at his papers.

Victor and Teresa will most likely develop a budding relationship, as she believes he is a nice boy who can help her study. Victor wants to live up to Teresa's expectations, so he decides to get some French books from the library and study in order to become what she thinks he is. In my opinion, Victor has learned his lesson that one must think before one acts. There are often consequences for pretending to be something that you are not. It is hard to keep up a charade. If I were Victor, I would confess to Teresa that I don't really know more than just a few words, but I would love to study math and French together, helping each other. As that famous saying goes, "To thine own self, be true."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. In particular, this essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“In the short story ‘Seventh Grade’ by Gary Soto, the main character, Victor, spends his first day of school pursuing the girl he likes, Teresa. . . . If I were Victor, I would confess to Teresa that I don't really know more than just a few words, but I would love to study math and French together, helping each other. As that famous saying goes, ‘To thine own self, be true.’”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout. (“Teresa compliments Victor on his ability to speak French, and she is beaming at him with a smile. Victor is dying inside, afraid that now Mr. Bueller will reveal him for the fraud that he is, causing Teresa to laugh at him and perhaps never be interested in Victor again. Mr. Bueller, however, remembers what it is like to try to impress a girl, and being a romantic, simply smiles and looks down at his papers.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In the end, Victor learns an important lesson about being yourself, rather than trying to impress a girl by pretending to be someone you are not.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay includes important details that highlight specific information about character and dialogue, thus connecting the essay question to the text. (“However, when Teresa sees Victor and is friendly to him, he tries to act macho and tough, and says ‘Yeah, that's me,’ in response to her simple ‘Hi, Victor!’ As they part ways, Victor berates himself for not having responded in a friendlier tone.”) The essay includes details regarding specific information about the main character. (“Victor, without thinking, raises his hand in the hopes of impressing Teresa. Unfortunately, he doesn't give any thought to the consequences of his actions. Obviously, if he raises his hand, he is taking the risk that Mr. Bueller will ask him to speak in front of the class -- which is exactly what happens.”) Relevant points explain and illustrate main events very effectively. (“Victor is dying inside, afraid that now Mr. Bueller will reveal him for the fraud that he is, causing Teresa to laugh at him and perhaps never be interested in Victor again. Mr. Bueller, however, remembers what it is like to try to impress a girl, and being a romantic, simply smiles and looks down at his papers.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. In particular, the essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the short story ‘Seventh Grade’ by Gary Soto, the main character, Victor, spends his first day of school pursuing the girl he likes, Teresa. He signs up for the same elective she is taking, French, so he can be with her in at least one class.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Victor, without thinking, raises his hand in the hopes of impressing Teresa. Unfortunately, he doesn't give any thought to the consequences of his actions. Obviously, if he raises his hand, he is taking the risk that Mr. Bueller will ask him to speak in front of the class -- which is exactly what happens.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ There are often consequences for pretending to be something that you are not. It is hard to keep up a charade. If I were Victor, I would confess to Teresa that I don't really know more than just a few words, but I would love to study math and French together, helping each other. As that famous saying goes, ‘To thine own self, be true.’”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. For example, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ As they part ways, Victor berates himself for not having responded in a friendlier tone. Later, at lunch, he leaves his friend Michael when he realizes that Teresa is not eating in the cafeteria. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Victor opts for bluffing. He tries to mumble some silly, made-up words that sound French, hoping Mr. Bueller will not notice and let it pass. No such luck. Mr. Bueller asks Victor to repeat what he said in a louder voice, and Victor continues with the bluff. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Their eyes meet, and they walk to class making small talk. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ When the two seventh graders arrive at French, there are only seats up in the front. So, Victor and Teresa sit near each other in the front of the classroom. Mr. Bueller, the teacher, asks the students if anyone speaks French. Victor, without thinking, raises his hand in the hopes of impressing Teresa. Unfortunately, he doesn't give any thought to the consequences of his actions.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Seventh Grade" is based on a boy named Victor Rodriguez. In this story Victor falls in love with a girl named Teresa. The first day of school he picked out his elective. He already knew Spanish, but he wanted to learn French. His reason was that one day he wanted to travel to France but also because his crush, Teresa, was going to take French as well. He was hoping that they would have most of their classes together. After homeroom he had English, and while the teacher asked Victor to state a noun all Victor could think about was Teresa. In response to the question his teacher asked Victor said, "Teresa." The other girls in his class knew he had a crush on Teresa, so he felt himself blushing.

As you see, Victor couldn't stop thinking about Teresa in English class, but as soon as French class started he didn't want to say anything embarrassing so he stayed away. Toward the end of the story, Victor pretends to know French and Teresa ends up thinking that he does know French. Teresa asks Victor if he could help with speaking French. Victor said yes and after school he runs to the library to check out lots of French books. Victor made a mistake by pretending to know French because sooner or later Teresa will find out. His cause will turn to an effect and it won't be such a good one. Victor will learn from his mistakes, but everybody does stuff to impress the one they like.

For example, over my summer break I did some strange things to get attention from a guy I liked. I have known him all my life but now we are just friends. He doesn't go to my school, but when we were about 8 years-old his family would come visit my cousins and my family. We still talk for like 2 hours straight. I might visit him this November but our plans aren't exactly set up. I'm not shy around him and I don't blush. Sometimes, I pretend to act like I know things when I don't. My life is kind of like Victor's when he pretends to know French. I guess my personality can be somewhat alike to that of Victor's. Victor is shy around Teresa and he can't think of what to say. But, when I am with who I like I can act calm but at the same time I think of what I am going to say before I say anything embarrassing. There have been some embarrassing times where I would mix up my words or say something I didn't want to say. Once in a while, I sigh after a conversation just hoping that he wouldn't think I was crazy.

If I was ever in Victor's shoes, which I would know how it felt; you would always feel this little tickle in your stomach. When you start a conversation you don't want it to end. You just want to keep talking all night, but when one has to go to bed or just leave you don't want them to go. My life can be compared to Victor's considering how I say some things that I don't mean to say. I do flirt when I talk to the guy I like and I know that he is flirting back. Victor and Teresa would probably end up together when he is tutoring her on French lessons. Although, some other ways that girls would get a boy's attention is pretending to not know things, when they do but I haven't tried that yet. There are "techniques" in which you can catch someone's attention, but sometimes you don't want it to be like that. Love can be complicated, especially if it takes people to make up lies and ending up telling that person everything. The truth hurts and it always is the right thing to do. No matter what!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary topic well. (“ ‘Seventh Grade’ is based on a boy named Victor Rodriguez. In this story Victor falls in love with a girl named Teresa. . . . If I was ever in Victor's shoes, which I would know how it felt; you would always feel this little tickle in your stomach. When you start a conversation you don't want it to end.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ As you see, Victor couldn't stop thinking about Teresa in English class, but as soon as French class started he didn't want to say anything embarrassing so he stayed away. Toward the end of the story, Victor pretends to know French and Teresa ends up thinking that he does know French.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ My life is kind of like Victor's when he pretends to know French. I guess my personality can be somewhat alike to that of Victor's. Victor is shy around Teresa and he can't think of what to say. ”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the literary topic, including specific information about characters and dialogue. (“ After homeroom he had English, and while the teacher asked Victor to state a noun all Victor could think about was Teresa. In response to the question his teacher asked Victor said, ‘Teresa.’ The other girls in his class knew he had a crush on Teresa, so he felt himself blushing.”) The essay includes good, specific details that relate to the main characters. (“ Victor made a mistake by pretending to know French because sooner or later Teresa will find out. His cause will turn to an effect and it won't be such a good one. Victor will learn from his mistakes, but everybody does stuff to impress the one they like.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ For example, over my summer break I did some strange things to get attention from a guy I liked. . . . Sometimes, I pretend to act like I know things when I don't. My life is kind of like Victor's when he pretends to know French.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. It exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ ‘Seventh Grade’ is based on a boy named Victor Rodriguez. In this story Victor falls in love with a girl named Teresa.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ As you see, Victor couldn't stop thinking about Teresa in English class, but as soon as French class started he didn't want to say anything embarrassing so he stayed away. . . . For example, over my summer break I did some strange things to get attention from a guy I liked.”) The conclusion summarizes the main point of the essay well. (“ Love can be complicated, especially if it takes people to make up lies and ending up telling that person everything. The truth hurts and it always is the right thing to do. No matter what!”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ When you start a conversation you don't want it to end. You just want to keep talking all night, but when one has to go to bed or just leave you don't want them to go. My life can be compared to Victor's considering how I say some things that I don't mean to say.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ As you see, Victor couldn't stop thinking about Teresa in English class, but as soon as French class started he didn't want to say anything embarrassing so he stayed away. Toward the end of the story, Victor pretends to know French and Teresa ends up thinking that he does know French.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ He already knew Spanish, but he wanted to learn French.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ As you see, Victor couldn't stop thinking about Teresa in English class, but as soon as French class started he didn't want to say anything embarrassing so he stayed away. Toward the end of the story, Victor pretends to know French and Teresa ends up thinking that he does know French. Teresa asks Victor if he could help with speaking French. Victor said yes and after school he runs to the library to check out lots of French books. Victor made a mistake by pretending to know French because sooner or later Teresa will find out.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "Seventh Grade", Victor tries many things to try to impress Teresa. Some of them have good consequences, and others have bad consequences. If I was in Victor's shoes, I would have done many of the things that he did differently. The things that I would have done would have had better consequences than the consequences that Victor had.

The first thing that Victor did that made him have consequences was when he bluffs in French class. He could have easily made a fool of himself. Luckily, a good consequence happens and Teresa thinks he actually spoke french. When Mr. Bueller hears that Teresa thought he spoke french, he stays quiet and sits at his desk. Teresa then asks him to help her with her French. Of course, Mr. Bueller may push Victor harder since he helped Victor.I would not have lied about knowing French. I would have just kept my hand down. But, Teresa would not have thought I could speak french and would not have asked me to help her study for French Class. All the consequences from that problem mostly turned out good.

Another thing that Victor did was when the language arts teacher asked him for a person, he said, "Teresa." All the consequences from that were bad. He did get the question right, but he also made a fool of himself. First, everyone laughed when he said Teresa. Then, when he asks a boy to name a place, he says, "Teresa's house with a kitchen full of big brothers." He gets embarrassed in front of a group of girls and some boys. If I was there, I would have answered the teacher with something like Bob, or George.I would not have said Teresa. Then I would not have made a fool of myself.

A third thing that Victor did was when Teresa says, "Hi, Victor." He answers her with, "Yeah, that's me." The consequences for that were not terrible, but they were bad. After he answers, he feels terrible but there is nothing he could have done about it. Teresa could have thought he was a jerk and hated him forever. It never really specifies what happens after he says it but Teresa probably lets it go. Victor gets really lucky after he says that. If I was Victor, I would have said, "Hi Teresa, how was your summer? Then she would not have thought anything bad of me.

Victor does many things that help him, and hurt him. They have good consequences and bad consequences. But in the end, everything turned out great. What impacted him most in the story was when he bluffs in French and Teresa thinks he spoke French. I enjoyed the story of Victor trying to get Teresa to like him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary topic through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the thesis states the writer’s point of view or argument adequately. (“ If I was in Victor's shoes, I would have done many of the things that he did differently. The things that I would have done would have had better consequences than the consequences that Victor had.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ The first thing that Victor did that made him have consequences was when he bluffs in French class. He could have easily made a fool of himself. Luckily, a good consequence happens and Teresa thinks he actually spoke french.”) The intended audience is adequately understood. (“What impacted him most in the story was when he bluffs in French and Teresa thinks he spoke French. I enjoyed the story of Victor trying to get Teresa to like him.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the text. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis. (“ The first thing that Victor did that made him have consequences was when he bluffs in French class. He could have easily made a fool of himself.”) The essay includes facts, examples, and explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ Of course, Mr. Bueller may push Victor harder since he helped Victor.I would not have lied about knowing French. I would have just kept my hand down.”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Another thing that Victor did was when the language arts teacher asked him for a person, he said, ‘Teresa.’ All the consequences from that were bad. He did get the question right, but he also made a fool of himself.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the story "Seventh Grade", Victor tries many things to try to impress Teresa. Some of them have good consequences, and others have bad consequences.”) The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ If I was in Victor's shoes, I would have done many of the things that he did differently. The things that I would have done would have had better consequences than the consequences that Victor had.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Victor does many things that help him, and hurt him. They have good consequences and bad consequences. But in the end, everything turned out great.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Victor does many things that help him, and hurt him. They have good consequences and bad consequences. But in the end, everything turned out great. What impacted him most in the story was when he bluffs in French and Teresa thinks he spoke French.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ First, everyone laughed when he said Teresa. Then, when he asks a boy to name a place, he says, ‘Teresa's house with a kitchen full of big brothers.’ He gets embarrassed in front of a group of girls and some boys. If I was there, I would have answered the teacher with something like Bob, or George.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ The consequences for that were not terrible, but they were bad. After he answers, he feels terrible but there is nothing he could have done about it. Teresa could have thought he was a jerk and hated him forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ Victor does many things that help him, and hurt him. They have good consequences and bad consequences. But in the end, everything turned out great. What impacted him most in the story was when he bluffs in French and Teresa thinks he spoke French. I enjoyed the story of Victor trying to get Teresa to like him.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever tried to impress someone, but you embarrassed yourself. Victor in Gary Soto's story the seventh had this experience with of a girl that he likes. Victor does many things to impress the girl of his dreams. Victor does some unthinkable things that I will tell you in a couple of sentences. To start off Victor has A very good friend named Michael who tries to give him advice to get the girl off his dreams.

With his friend they do a hand shakes that is called raza-style hand shakes if that was me I would not do that if I was in him. I would just shake his hand like a regular person would. Since that we are talking about Victor's friend made me tell you about him a little bit more his friend told him that if you want girls to like you that the magazine said to scrawl at the girl that he like's. See if that was me in his shoes I would not scrawl.

I would be the person that I am you might never know what will happen. What if the person of his or here dreams would want to see his regular side. How witty it would be if the person comes up to him or her in the next period. Then his friend said or the magazine told him to trudge. That is like saying going up to person and embarrassing yourself.

I don't care even if the dumb magazine told you do it. So you are going to tell me that if a magazine tells you to jump of a cliff you are going to do it then what is that going to do what always the magazine told you to do Victor has French class next he took the class because of his lover has the class so try to guess what he did.

He go and tried to speak new language that he never spoke before ''Bonjour'' came out his embarrassing mouth teacher Mr. Lucas knew he couldn't speak French so he test him with more some simpel words that almost everybody knows. Mr. Lucus knew he was trying to impress girl of his dream because he was in the same position that Victor was in trying to impress the girl of his dream Mr. Lucas knows how he fells.

I mean come on do you even know what you are talking about What if you say something like the teacher is dumb while taking the short test what are you going to do. You make everybody think that you know something but you really don't I dislike about this story is that the girl falls in the trap that he did not think that was going to work Victor is a tutor for the girl of his dreams. So looks like a library card might work after all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a central/controlling idea. For example, the essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“Have you ever tried to impress someone, but you embarrassed yourself. Victor in Gary Soto's story the seventh had this experience with of a girl that he likes.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“I don't care even if the dumb magazine told you do it. So you are going to tell me that if a magazine tells you to jump of a cliff you are going to do it then what is that going to do what always the magazine told you to do. . . .”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the character. (“With his friend they do a hand shakes that is called raza-style hand shakes if that was me I would not do that if I was in him. I would just shake his hand like a regular person would.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ He go and tried to speak new language that he never spoke before ‘Bonjour’ came out his embarrassing mouth teacher Mr. Lucas knew he couldn't speak French so he test him with more some simpel words that almost everybody knows. ”) There is a limited use of details to illustrate main ideas. (“ I would be the person that I am you might never know what will happen. What if the person of his or here dreams would want to see his regular side. How witty it would be if the person comes up to him or her in the next period. ”) The ideas included in the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“ I don't care even if the dumb magazine told you do it. So you are going to tell me that if a magazine tells you to jump of a cliff you are going to do it then what is that going to do what always the magazine told you to do Victor has French class next he took the class because of his lover has the class so try to guess what he did.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. In particular, the introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Have you ever tried to impress someone, but you embarrassed yourself. Victor in Gary Soto's story the seventh had this experience with of a girl that he likes. Victor does many things to impress the girl of his dreams.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ I would be the person that I am you might never know what will happen. What if the person of his or here dreams would want to see his regular side. How witty it would be if the person comes up to him or her in the next period.”) The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“ You make everybody think that you know something but you really don't I dislike about this story is that the girl falls in the trap that he did not think that was going to work Victor is a tutor for the girl of his dreams. So looks like a library card might work after all.” )

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. There is simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, transitions are needed. (“ I would be the person that I am you might never know what will happen. What if the person of his or here dreams would want to see his regular side. How witty it would be if the person comes up to him or her in the next period.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Mr. Lucus knew he was trying to impress girl of his dream because he was in the same position that Victor was in trying to impress the girl of his dream Mr. Lucas knows how he fells.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I mean come on do you even know what you are talking about What if you say something like the teacher is dumb while taking the short test what are you going to do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“I don't care even if the dumb magazine told you do it. So you are going to tell me that if a magazine tells you to jump of a cliff you are going to do it then what is that going to do what always the magazine told you to do Victor has French class next he took the class because of his lover has the class so try to guess what he did.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Seventh Grade Victor is a 12 year old boy living in a normal spanish country and going to a normal spanish school. Like any normal seventh grader Victor is having trouble with a girl that he likes. Through the story Victor has plans to try and get close to the girl he there are some consequences to his actions of impressing Teresa the love of his life. If I had been in Victors shoe during that time I would have done numerous things different that would not have ended him in a ton of embarrassment.

My life is nothing like Victor's life, I don't have to try and impress a girl like Victor did, girls just come to me naturally. Even if girls didn't come to me, I still would never try to impress a girl because thats just a waste of time and could end badly like in in victors case he embarassed himself in front of the whole class if I was in Victor's shoes I would have just tryed to talk to her without trying to show off and try to makke her like me for who I really am.

The consequence that are going to happen to Victor I believe are not nearly as bad as being embarassed in front of his true love. Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“In the story Seventh Grade Victor is a 12 year old boy living in a normal spanish country and going to a normal spanish school. Like any normal seventh grader Victor is having trouble with a girl that he likes.”) The writer uses minimal details to relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“My life is nothing like Victor's life, I don't have to try and impress a girl like Victor did, girls just come to me naturally. Even if girls didn't come to me, I still would never try to impress a girl because thats just a waste of time and could end badly like in in victors case. . . .”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. (“Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details to relate the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“Even if girls didn't come to me, I still would never try to impress a girl because thats just a waste of time and could end badly like in in victors case he embarassed himself in front of the whole class if I was in Victor's shoes I would have just tryed to talk to her without trying to show off and try to makke her like me for who I really am.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The consequence that are going to happen to Victor I believe are not nearly as bad as being embarassed in front of his true love.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. (“ In the story Seventh Grade Victor is a 12 year old boy living in a normal spanish country and going to a normal spanish school. Like any normal seventh grader Victor is having trouble with a girl that he likes.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ If I had been in Victors shoe during that time I would have done numerous things different that would not have ended him in a ton of embarrassment.”) The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ The consequence that are going to happen to Victor I believe are not nearly as bad as being embarassed in front of his true love. Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. There is evidence of poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Even if girls didn't come to me, I still would never try to impress a girl because thats just a waste of time and could end badly like in in victors case he embarassed himself in front of the whole class if I was in Victor's shoes I would have just tryed to talk to her without trying to show off and try to makke her like me for who I really am.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor. ”) The style is not formal. (“ Even if girls didn't come to me, I still would never try to impress a girl because thats just a waste of time . . . if I was in Victor's shoes I would have just tryed to talk to her without trying to show off and try to makke her like me for who I really am. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The consequence that are going to happen to Victor I believe are not nearly as bad as being embarassed in front of his true love. Even getting in trouble with the teacher for making stuff up and getting stuck in a class that he hates just for his girl I think everything Victor did was really dumb and I would not have done one thing the same as Victor.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. It includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot character, setting, or dialogue, and a controlling idea is not stated. (“Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and inadequate main ideas are included in the body paragraphs. (“Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Victor tried to go out with this girl names Teresa. When he ask this girl out he trys to act french and talk frenchso this girl he met would like him. Victor Rodregez is studying the french language Victor also trys to impress her and it works and she thinks that he can help her study so she asks him. Then he gets caught up because he can't speak it fluently.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Survival in The Hatchet

Brian Robeson, the main character in the novel The Hatchet , survives a plane crash and finds himself alone in the wilderness. What skills, talents, and personality traits contribute to Brian's survival? In what ways could he have benefited from having additional survival skills or talents?

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss Brian's ability to survive in the wilderness. Include facts, details, and examples from the story to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thirteen year-old Brian Robeson crash landed during a plane trip to visit his father. He is stranded in the Canadian wilderness, and all he has to help him survive, is a hatchet his mom gave to him. In the novel, The Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, Brian uses his talents, skills and personality to help him survive in the wilderness.

Although Brian has a hatchet, he still has a variety of skills and talents that play a vital role towards his survival. He has an advanced thinking ability that allows him to infer. For example, after Brian was attacked by a porcupine, he began to dream in a daze. He saw his father in the initial segment of the dream, but he didn't say anything verbally to Brian, just an "mmmmmmm" type of noise. Then, Brian's friend terry appeared through the darkness in his dream. He was at a barbeque pit setting a fire. Brian was only jealous through the fire as he didn't have one. Shortly after he woke up, he remembered that he threw the hatchet at a cave wall and sparks were created. Then did he infer that the hatchet was the key to it all. Brian however, didn't stop yet. He found birch bark as the food for his fire, and he blew on the fire, as it needed oxygen. Brian then proved to the world that using his knowledge, and his skills, he created fire.

But despite the fact that he could make fire, he also could endure lots of physical pain, and mental pain. Actually, his parents have divorced recently and he's still recovering from the horror of family distress. Speaking of horror, Brian was attacked by a porcupine in the darkness. Its quills were driven so far into Brian's calf that "the pain had gone from being a pointed injury pain, to spreading in a hot smear up his leg ". He then had the ability to take out the needles in an unfriendly manner. "Jerk, pause, jerk - and three more times before he lay back down in the darkness, done." So, Brian may have lots of inferior skills, but he also shows physical and mental strength.

Brian's skills and talents may have helped him conquer obstacles, but without his intriguing personality, he couldn't have pulled it off. Brian is a person with lots of courage, and perseverance, and has the ability to take initiative. For instance, Brian's perseverance is exemplary when he was in the process of making a fire. When he needed something for the fire to burn off of, he found a twenty-dollar bill in his pocket and ripped it up into twenty even pieces. Unfortunately, the fire didn't burn." So close," he said aloud, "So close..." But what was on fire, was his brain activity; the ability to find an alternate. He then took a stride outside in search of an alternative for paper. A birch tree caught his eye and he instantly knew that it was the perfect alternative to paper. It was also bigger than regular paper so it would burn longer. Of course when Brian went back to the cave and started the fire, it worked not only because of the birch bark, but because of the perseverance that went into it. So really, what Brian has proved is that a lot of perseverance goes into things that sometimes we take for granted.

Speaking of character traits, courage was also something that Brian put forward to help him survive. Courage was something that you couldn't afford to lose, not at this point. Without it, Brian couldn't endure the "wild" in wilderness, but when Brian had to face the porcupine in the beginning, his courage had just accelerated into power. As the porcupine slithered into the shelter, Brian had the courage to face it head on. When he,"... kicked out and threw the hatchet..." the porcupine ran off and he was safe at once. In order for Brian to prove that he can handle the wilderness, he's going to have to bring his courage with him.

Brian has done a lot of things towards his survival. That's called taking initiative. Brian first took initiative after he finally figured out that sitting and sobbing wouldn't work for a reason. Taking initiative took perseverance and courage. Initiative was the ability to have perseverance and the ability to have courage, and without the initiative to make it work, Brian's survival story may be in jeopardy.

A lot of effort has gone into surviving, and Brian unfortunately had to do it the hard way. But what if he was prepared for all this mayhem and didn't have to suffer from this ordeal. Brian had gone through instances where today would just use a simple tool to fix it all; and easy solution. Say for instance, Brian had a cell phone with the nation's largest network. He could simply call for help using a tracker system, and this calamity would be over. Period. What if Brian had matches? Matches would be long lasting, and user friendly that you could just light it and forget about it. Brian wouldn't have animal troubles or climate troubles, but if Brian still did have animal troubles, he could've had a first aid kit. A first aid kit would have helped him prevent deadly infections that wild animals keep. Bandages, cotton balls, and alcohol would have kept Brian infection free. Speaking of being free of, if Brian had anyone of these survival enhancers, who knows, Brian might have been free from the wild.

Thirteen year-old Brian Robeson is stuck in the Canadian wilderness. All he has to help him survive is a hatchet. But in the novel, Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, Brian proves that surviving takes talent, skills, and character. Brian is now free from the wilderness, but always carries his skills, talents, and character with him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ For instance, Brian's perseverance is exemplary when he was in the process of making a fire. When he needed something for the fire to burn off of, he found a twenty-dollar bill in his pocket and ripped it up into twenty even pieces. Unfortunately, the fire didn't burn. 'So close,' he said aloud, 'So close… 'But what was on fire, was his brain activity; the ability to find an alternate. He then took a stride outside in search of an alternative for paper. A birch tree caught his eye and he instantly knew that it was the perfect alternative to paper. It was also bigger than regular paper so it would burn longer. ”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“ Brian's skills and talents may have helped him conquer obstacles, but without his intriguing personality, he couldn't have pulled it off. Brian is a person with lots of courage, and perseverance, and has the ability to take initiative. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“In the novel, The Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, Brian uses his talents, skills and personality to help him survive in the wilderness. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ For example, after Brian was attacked by a porcupine, he began to dream in a daze. He saw his father in the initial segment of the dream, but he didn't say anything verbally to Brian, just an 'mmmmmmm' type of noise. Then, Brian's friend terry appeared through the darkness in his dream. He was at a barbeque pit setting a fire. Brian was only jealous through the fire as he didn't have one. Shortly after he woke up, he remembered that he threw the hatchet at a cave wall and sparks were created. ”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Speaking of character traits, courage was also something that Brian put forward to help him survive. Courage was something that you couldn't afford to lose, not at this point. Without it, Brian couldn't endure the 'wild' in wilderness, but when Brian had to face the porcupine in the beginning, his courage had just accelerated into power. As the porcupine slithered into the shelter, Brian had the courage to face it head on. When he,'…kicked out and threw the hatchet…' the porcupine ran off and he was safe at once. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ Speaking of horror, Brian was attacked by a porcupine in the darkness. Its quills were driven so far into Brian's calf that 'the pain had gone from being a pointed injury pain, to spreading in a hot smear up his leg '. He then had the ability to take out the needles in an unfriendly manner. 'Jerk, pause, jerk - and three more times before he lay back down in the darkness, done.' ”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing how the main character, Brian Robeson, is stranded in the wilderness and must utilize many different abilities to survive. (“Thirteen year-old Brian Robeson crash landed during a plane trip to visit his father. He is stranded in the Canadian wilderness, and all he has to help him survive, is a hatchet his mom gave to him. In the novel, The Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, Brian uses his talents, skills and personality to help him survive in the wilderness. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Although Brian has a hatchet, he still has a variety of skills and talents that play a vital role towards his survival. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Thirteen year-old Brian Robeson is stuck in the Canadian wilderness. All he has to help him survive is a hatchet. But in the novel, Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, Brian proves that surviving takes talent, skills, and character. Brian is now free from the wilderness, but always carries his skills, talents, and character with him. ”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in The Hatchet and how Brian Robeson used many different skills to survive. (“ Brian's skills and talents may have helped him conquer obstacles, but without his intriguing personality, he couldn't have pulled it off. Brian is a person with lots of courage, and perseverance, and has the ability to take initiative. For instance, Brian's perseverance is exemplary when he was in the process of making a fire. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Brian Robeson's adventure in the wilderness for the readers so that by the end of the essay, they understand the amount of skills, talents, and personality traits that contributed to Brian's survival . (“ Brian's skills and talents may have helped him conquer obstacles, but without his intriguing personality, he couldn't have pulled it off. Brian is a person with lots of courage, and perseverance, and has the ability to take initiative. For instance, Brian's perseverance is exemplary when he was in the process of making a fire. When he needed something for the fire to burn off of, he found a twenty-dollar bill in his pocket and ripped it up into twenty even pieces. ”)

Use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ Brian's skills and talents may have helped him conquer obstacles, but without his intriguing personality, he couldn't have pulled it off. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Although Brian has a hatchet, he still has a variety of skills and talents that play a vital role towards his survival. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Stranded. Nothing prepared, nothing except what he was wearing and his hatchet. Brian was stranded after his plane to the Canadian oil fields crashed do to the pilot dying of an intense heart attack. Brian had to use many mental abilities in order to overcome the wilderness. His knowledge played a big roll in his survival. In addition, Brian used his physical abilities and many actions to stay alive. He used his hatchet to make it through numerous obstacles. Although Brian did very well in the Canadian wilderness other abilities Brian didn't have could have made it easier.

Brian had many different struggles while he was stranded in the wilderness and one of them was how he thought about things. Brian tried to stay positive as much as he could. He constantly reflected on his past in positive and negative ways that helped him but also frustrated him. Once he thought about his old English teacher, Mr.Perpich. "All Perpich used to say is that I have to get motivated. He was always telling kids to get motivated." In school stay motivated is important to me and helps me succeed. To survive in the wilderness, Brian needed motivation to get what he needed. Brian had many battles staying alive and when he thought of Mr.Perpich he was confident and on top of things. Out in the wild Brian had many things to do. He didn't know off the top of his head how to do and get the things he needed so Brian thought about what he saw and learned in school, books, and shows he had seen to get ideas on what to do. Brian's friend, Terry, used to build forts with him in the park and that gave Brian the idea on how to build his shelter. One night a porcupine went in to Brian's shelter and Brian threw his hatchet at the porcupine and missed but hit the wall of his rock shelter making sparks. When Brian went to sleep that same night he had a dream that Terry and his dad were in. They were showing Brian something and then realized they were telling him to use those sparks to make fire.

Another thing Brian really progressed in was his physical abilities including his strength. To hunt Brian used his hatchet to make spears and bows. He hunted rabbit and birds. In addition, he caught fish, collected berries, and even found turtle eggs he could eat for food. Brian used the fire for many things. He used the fire for warmth, light, cooking, keep bugs away, and wild animals, too. He wouldn't have survived without his fire. To get his fire going, Brian struck the hatchet against the rock wall. "Five or six sparks had fallen in a tight mass of bark hair and Brian centered his efforts there. The sparks grew with his gentle breath." When I play a woodwind instrument I have to blow the right amount of air for the instrument to make noise like Brian had to blow the right amount of air for the fire to get going. Brian struggled to make fire for some time. The fire really helped him and was a big part of his survival.

Brian advanced in knowledge, too. He realized he had to put in all efforts and he couldn't slack. Mistakes were something he had to avoid. "Mistakes. Small mistakes could turn into disasters." When I make mistakes I try to learn from them. If I come across the same situation I think before I continue doing what I am doing. Brian couldn't make mistakes really at all or he could get killed. He knew if he wasn't careful and made many mistakes things wouldn't go well.

Even though Brian was stranded alone he made it and was rescued. If Brian wasn't motivated he could have died right away or could have been stuck there a lot longer. He was very strong and brave. He did better in the wild then a lot of people would have, including me. Brian grew physically and mentally throughout the time he was there. Brian, was constantly reminded he had to try his hardest otherwise he could die and I think that's another main thing that kept him alive. He had even changed the ways he saw things. In conclusion, Brian was practically a whole new person by the time he returned home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the main character’s skills, talents, and personality traits that allowed him to survive in the Canadian wilderness. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“Brian had many different struggles while he was stranded in the wilderness and one of them was how he thought about things. Brian tried to stay positive as much as he could. He constantly reflected on his past in positive and negative ways that helped him but also frustrated him. Once he thought about his old English teacher, Mr.Perpich. 'All Perpich used to say is that I have to get motivated. He was always telling kids to get motivated.' In school stay motivated is important to me and helps me succeed. To survive in the wilderness, Brian needed motivation to get what he needed. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ He wouldn't have survived without his fire. To get his fire going, Brian struck the hatchet against the rock wall. 'Five or six sparks had fallen in a tight mass of bark hair and Brian centered his efforts there. The sparks grew with his gentle breath.' When I play a woodwind instrument I have to blow the right amount of air for the instrument to make noise like Brian had to blow the right amount of air for the fire to get going. Brian struggled to make fire for some time. The fire really helped him and was a big part of his survival. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Brian Robeson's survival skills, talents, and personality traits. (“Brian advanced in knowledge, too. He realized he had to put in all efforts and he couldn't slack. Mistakes were something he had to avoid. 'Mistakes. Small mistakes could turn into disasters.' ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development, which connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ One night a porcupine went in to Brian's shelter and Brian threw his hatchet at the porcupine and missed but hit the wall of his rock shelter making sparks. When Brian went to sleep that same night he had a dream that Terry and his dad were in. They were showing Brian something and then realized they were telling him to use those sparks to make fire. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Once he thought about his old English teacher, Mr.Perpich. 'All Perpich used to say is that I have to get motivated. He was always telling kids to get motivated.' In school stay motivated is important to me and helps me succeed. To survive in the wilderness, Brian needed motivation to get what he needed. Brian had many battles staying alive and when he thought of Mr.Perpich he was confident and on top of things. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Another thing Brian really progressed in was his physical abilities including his strength. To hunt Brian used his hatchet to make spears and bows. He hunted rabbit and birds. In addition, he caught fish, collected berries, and even found turtle eggs he could eat for food.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay, which presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Stranded. Nothing prepared, nothing except what he was wearing and his hatchet. Brian was stranded after his plane to the Canadian oil fields crashed do to the pilot dying of an intense heart attack. Brian had to use many mental abilities in order to overcome the wilderness. His knowledge played a big roll in his survival. In addition, Brian used his physical abilities and many actions to stay alive. He used his hatchet to make it through numerous obstacles. Although Brian did very well in the Canadian wilderness other abilities Brian didn't have could have made it easier. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Another thing Brian really progressed in was his physical abilities including his strength. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Even though Brian was stranded alone he made it and was rescued. If Brian wasn't motivated he could have died right away or could have been stuck there a lot longer. He was very strong and brave. He did better in the wild then a lot of people would have, including me. Brian grew physically and mentally throughout the time he was there. Brian, was constantly reminded he had to try his hardest otherwise he could die and I think that's another main thing that kept him alive. He had even changed the ways he saw things. In conclusion, Brian was practically a whole new person by the time he returned home. ”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language, voice, and style is exhibited in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Brian had many different struggles while he was stranded in the wilderness and one of them was how he thought about things. Brian tried to stay positive as much as he could. He constantly reflected on his past in positive and negative ways that helped him but also frustrated him. ”)

Strong voice is demonstrated. (“ Brian advanced in knowledge, too. He realized he had to put in all efforts and he couldn't slack. Mistakes were something he had to avoid. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Brian had many different struggles while he was stranded in the wilderness and one of them was how he thought about things. Brian tried to stay positive as much as he could. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ In addition, he caught fish, collected berries, and even found turtle eggs he could eat for food. Brian used the fire for many things. He used the fire for warmth, light, cooking, keep bugs away, and wild animals, too. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Response to Literature

In the novel, Hatchet by Gary Paulsen, Brian Robeson survives a terrible plane crash and has to live in the wild for about two months. Some of the characteristics Brian needs to survive are his intelligence, perseverance, and courage. He encounters dangerous animals like a moose and a skunk to survive in the dreadful wilderness.

First, Brian is very intelligent. Once, Brian needed to get a survival pack out of a sunken airplane. "Maybe I can cut or hack the plane with the hatchet to make a hole," he thought intently. Then, Brian started swinging at the plane with the hatchet. Finally, after many blows at the plane, a hole big enough for Brian to squeeze through. He looked inside and saw a linen silk pack on the floor of the plane. It was the survival pack that he saw. Brian grabbed it quickly, for he did not have much air left. Brian pushed forcefully of the gooey ground as he rocketed up to the surface. He scrambled on top of his make-shift raft and paddled to shore. As you can see, Brian has many intelligent ways of dealing with problems.

Secondly, Brian has perseverance. Once, Brian was being attacked by a deadly moose. He was fishing and the huge moose shoved him into the water. Brian got up and was wobbly and wounded on his shoulder. "If I can crawl silently, the moose might not attack," Brian thought. So, Brian crawled, but he was too loud and the moose attacked him again. Then, he tried again and again then finally he got it right. Even though he was really beat up he made it to safety. If you want to make something right or face a challenge, get back up and persevere.

Lastly, Brian has lots of courage. Once, a bear was attacking Brian and his protective shelter. "I remember one of those survival shows that said bears are afraid of fire," he remembered. Brian sprinted towards his fire and grabbed a torch. He waved the flaming piece of wood at the brown beast. It screamed into the starry night like the bear was a howling wolf. Then, the bear scurried off into the dark woods. In the end, Brian's courage defeated a bear.

Brian's characteristics helped him survive in the wild. His intelligence got him a survival pack, his perseverance got him passed a dangerous moose, and his courage defeated a bear. Maybe one day your characteristics will help you too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of how the main character, Brian Robeson, utilizes different skills and traits to survive alone in the wilderness. Also provided are adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“Once, Brian needed to get a survival pack out of a sunken airplane. 'Maybe I can cut or hack the plane with the hatchet to make a hole,' he thought intently. Then, Brian started swinging at the plane with the hatchet. Finally, after many blows at the plane, a hole big enough for Brian to squeeze through. He looked inside and saw a linen silk pack on the floor of the plane. It was the survival pack that he saw. Brian grabbed it quickly, for he did not have much air left. Brian pushed forcefully of the gooey ground as he rocketed up to the surface. He scrambled on top of his make-shift raft and paddled to shore.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer focuses on skills, talents, and traits that helped Brian survive in the wilderness. ("Lastly, Brian has lots of courage. Once, a bear was attacking Brian and his protective shelter. 'I remember one of those survival shows that said bears are afraid of fire,' he remembered. Brian sprinted towards his fire and grabbed a torch.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Even though he was really beat up he made it to safety. If you want to make something right or face a challenge, get back up and persevere.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Once, Brian was being attacked by a deadly moose. He was fishing and the huge moose shoved him into the water. Brian got up and was wobbly and wounded on his shoulder. 'If I can crawl silently, the moose might not attack,' Brian thought. So, Brian crawled, but he was too loud and the moose attacked him again. Then, he tried again and again then finally he got it right. Even though he was really beat up he made it to safety.”)

Quotations (by or about the main character) from the text may be included. (“Once, Brian needed to get a survival pack out of a sunken airplane. 'Maybe I can cut or hack the plane with the hatchet to make a hole,' he thought intently. Then, Brian started swinging at the plane with the hatchet.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“He looked inside and saw a linen silk pack on the floor of the plane. It was the survival pack that he saw. Brian grabbed it quickly, for he did not have much air left. Brian pushed forcefully of the gooey ground as he rocketed up to the surface. He scrambled on top of his make-shift raft and paddled to shore.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Throughout the essay, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In the novel, Hatchet by Gary Paulsen, Brian Robeson survives a terrible plane crash and has to live in the wild for about two months. Some of the characteristics Brian needs to survive are his intelligence, perseverance, and courage. He encounters dangerous animals like a moose and a skunk to survive in the dreadful wilderness.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Brian's characteristics helped him survive in the wild. His intelligence got him a survival pack, his perseverance got him passed a dangerous moose, and his courage defeated a bear. Maybe one day your characteristics will help you too. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate. Appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, are provided. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ He was fishing and the huge moose shoved him into the water. Brian got up and was wobbly and wounded on his shoulder. "If I can crawl silently, the moose might not attack," Brian thought. So, Brian crawled, but he was too loud and the moose attacked him again. Then, he tried again and again then finally he got it right.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of the main character, Brian Robeson. (“ Once, a bear was attacking Brian and his protective shelter. 'I remember one of those survival shows that said bears are afraid of fire,' he remembered. Brian sprinted towards his fire and grabbed a torch. He waved the flaming piece of wood at the brown beast. It screamed into the starry night like the bear was a howling wolf. Then, the bear scurried off into the dark woods. In the end, Brian's courage defeated a bear. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Brian pushed forcefully of the gooey ground as he rocketed up to the surface. He scrambled on top of his make-shift raft and paddled to shore. As you can see, Brian has many intelligent ways of dealing with problems.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been stranded in the wilderness?

Have you ever been stranded in the wilderness? If you have then, these things are things that you would need. Like mental abilities, physical abilities, and what you could have had. These would all help you survive in the wilderness.

Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home. TV shows that Brian watched helped him to find food. Mr. Perprich told Brian that you are the best thing that you have. Brian had a flashback of his mom, and terry riding his bike.

Brian used his physical abilities to survive. Brian found wood that helped him make a shelter. Brian used a fish pond to keep his fish fresh, and trap them. He had tools for hunting that helped him catch food. Brian had strength to use for the fight with the moose.

If Brian had prior survival skills the days he was gone. If Brian were in the boy scouts then he could have had a better backround on all of this stuff. If Brian knew which plants were poisonous and ones that are not he could have had more food. If Brian knew how to make a fire then he wouldn't have had to use a hatchet.

Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian used his physical abilities to survive. If Brian had prior survival skills. Would you have done this very twisted thing? I wouldn't have done that!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“If you have then, these things are things that you would need. Like mental abilities, physical abilities, and what you could have had. These would all help you survive in the wilderness.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Brian Robeson's survival skills, talents, and traits, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home. TV shows that Brian watched helped him to find food. Mr. Perprich told Brian that you are the best thing that you have. Brian had a flashback of his mom, and terry riding his bike.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“He had tools for hunting that helped him catch food. Brian had strength to use for the fight with the moose.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Brian used his physical abilities to survive. Brian found wood that helped him make a shelter. Brian used a fish pond to keep his fish fresh, and trap them. He had tools for hunting that helped him catch food. Brian had strength to use for the fight with the moose.”)

There is limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home. TV shows that Brian watched helped him to find food.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever been stranded in the wilderness? If you have then, these things are things that you would need. Like mental abilities, physical abilities, and what you could have had. These would all help you survive in the wilderness. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home. TV shows that Brian watched helped him to find food. Mr. Perprich told Brian that you are the best thing that you have. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian used his physical abilities to survive. If Brian had prior survival skills. Would you have done this very twisted thing? I wouldn't have done that! ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Brian used his mental abilities to survive. Brian had flashbacks about a dream of him and terry. Terry and Brian were best friends back at home. ”)

There is repetition throughout the essay, specifically beginning sentences with the same phrase. (“ Brian used his physical abilities to survive. Brian found wood that helped him make a shelter. Brian used a fish pond to keep his fish fresh, and trap them. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ If Brian had prior survival skills the days he was gone. If Brian were in the boy scouts then he could have had a better backround on all of this stuff. If Brian knew which plants were poisonous and ones that are not he could have had more food.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ If Brian were in the boy scouts then he could have had a better backround on all of this stuff. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am going to be talking about how Brian used his technice to survive. Brian when to a bad situation. Brian had nobody to help him or help him get food.

Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash. Brian was the only one to survive the other people died or either survived in another place.

Some of the skills that Brian used was going out in the wilderness and trying to find food. Brian actually found food he found berries. Another skill he used was ripping a twenty dollar bill apart and getting wood. After that he made fire got warmed up. The good thing was that he had a hatchet. With that hatchet he could kill dangerous animals and cut woods.

I think Brian did a good job trying to survive. Well i am done writing my story about how Brian used skills to survive.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions how Brian Robeson survives in the wilderness; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Some of the skills that Brian used was going out in the wilderness and trying to find food. Brian actually found food he found berries. Another skill he used was ripping a twenty dollar bill apart and getting wood. After that he made fire got warmed up.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash. Brian was the only one to survive the other people died or either survived in another place.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when the plane crashes and Brian Robeson becomes stranded alone in the wilderness, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash. Brian was the only one to survive the other people died or either survived in another place.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Some of the skills that Brian used was going out in the wilderness and trying to find food. Brian actually found food he found berries.”)

Due to the brevity of this response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Some of the skills that Brian used was going out in the wilderness and trying to find food. Brian actually found food he found berries. Another skill he used was ripping a twenty dollar bill apart and getting wood. After that he made fire got warmed up. The good thing was that he had a hatchet. With that hatchet he could kill dangerous animals and cut woods.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

There is little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I am going to be talking about how Brian used his technice to survive. Brian when to a bad situation. Brian had nobody to help him or help him get food. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash.”)

There is no strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ I think Brian did a good job trying to survive. Well i am done writing my story about how Brian used skills to survive. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ After that he made fire got warmed up. The good thing was that he had a hatchet.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ Brian when to a bad situation. Brian had nobody to help him or help him get food.”)

The sentences in the essay are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash. Brian was the only one to survive the other people died or either survived in another place.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Brian went through a plain crash went the pilot got a heart attack. All the poeple died in the plain crash. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Brian's servival skills he didn't know mouch. He was flying to his dad's house in canada when the piolot had a heart attack . Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash. Now he is stranded in the canadion wilderness with nothing to eat nowhare to sleep . The plane was in a L shaped lake with the piolots body still in the plane . Brian started bulding a shelter out of rock by the lake he berroed under the rocks and sleeps on the dirt . Brian was thinking about his mom and how he was hungry and how his mom cooks so good

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The response fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

A central/controlling idea is not stated. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Brian started bulding a shelter out of rock by the lake he berroed under the rocks and sleeps on the dirt . Brian was thinking about his mom and how he was hungry and how his mom cooks so good”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“He was flying to his dad's house in canada when the piolot had a heart attack . Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Now he is stranded in the canadion wilderness with nothing to eat nowhare to sleep . The plane was in a L shaped lake with the piolots body still in the plane .”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of how Brian Robeson, the main character from The Hatchet survives alone in the wilderness, but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“Brian started bulding a shelter out of rock by the lake he berroed under the rocks and sleeps on the dirt . Brian was thinking about his mom and how he was hungry and how his mom cooks so good”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“He was flying to his dad's house in canada when the piolot had a heart attack . Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash. Now he is stranded in the canadion wilderness with nothing to eat nowhare to sleep .”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash. Now he is stranded in the canadion wilderness with nothing to eat nowhare to sleep .”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Brian's servival skills he didn't know mouch.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ He was flying to his dad's house in canada when the piolot had a heart attack . Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Brian was thinking about his mom and how he was hungry and how his mom cooks so good”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Brian started bulding a shelter out of rock by the lake he berroed under the rocks and sleeps on the dirt .”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Brian's servival skills he didn't know mouch. He was flying to his dad's house in canada when the piolot had a heart attack . Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Broken & crashed brian was a plane crash.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Now he is stranded in the canadion wilderness with nothing to eat nowhare to sleep .”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Teen Issues in The Outsiders and Miracle’s Boys

In some adolescent novels, such as The Outsiders and Miracle’s Boys , characters battle important and difficult teenage social issues, such as gang violence, friendship, or poverty.

After carefully reading The Outsiders or Miracle’s Boys , select a character in the story who encountered an important teen issue. In a well-developed essay, explore how this character dealt with this issue and how it was finally resolved. Be sure to include details and examples from the text to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

School is a very common problem for any teenager. Some teens are careless in their studies and do not even make it to college. Some people, though, really deserve to pursue higher education and they work very hard to attend college; however, because of life’s unfortunate circumstances, sometimes they cannot. A character that dealt with this type of problem is Darry from the book The Outsiders . Darry is an extremely intelligent guy that is forced to struggle in life. He tries to handle two jobs because he does not have the opportunity to go to college. The novel The Outsiders , by S.E. Hinton, explains the difficulties people can go through if they do not go to college. All of the Greasers did not go to college or did not plan to, but Darry had a chance to attend. He did very well in school, but could not go to college because he could not afford to. Primarily, he also had to stay back and take care of his two brothers, Ponyboy and Sodapop, since their parents died in a car accident. Since Darry did not go to college, and Sodapop dropped out of high school, Darry now pushes Pony to do well in school and work hard. Darry had his problems in life because he was unable to go to college; however, he can be successful later on in life.

First of all, Darry did very well in school and received good grades. "He had been a real popular guy in school; he was captain of the football team and been voted 'Boy of the Year', " Pony said. Being captain of the football team would enable him to receive a scholarship. Darry could have easily gone to college and would have done great, too. Pony probably thinks this also, which is why he said this and seems like he is really proud of him. Darry truly does deserve to go to college because of all his hard work, effort, and great attitude he has had all these years.

However, a big problem that affected Darry's education was his financial circumstances. "But we didn't have enough money for him to go to college, even with the athletic scholarship he won." What Ponyboy said really shows how poor they were because Darry could not afford to attend college, even with a scholarship. Darry has two jobs to try to take care of himself and his two brothers since they do not have parents. This really shows how unselfish Darry is because he could have just put his brothers in a boys' home and gone off to college. He really cares about his brothers and would give anything up for them.

Moreover, Darry does not deserve to be labeled as a Greaser because he has a great deal of potential. "I looked at Darry. He wasn't going to be any hood when he got old. He was going to get somewhere," said Pony. Darry is probably going to be successful when he gets older and is not going to stay a hoodlum. Darry is different from the Greasers and Pony truly believes that. At one point in the book, Pony even talks about how he can even be a Soc.,(a kid that is rich and lives on the west side of town) if it weren't for Ponyboy, Sodapop, and all of the rest of Darry's Greaser friends that hold him back. Darry just is not the kind of Greaser that is lazy and will not get anywhere in life. He is a great guy and deserves to go to college, plus much more.

Since Darry cannot go to college, he pushes Pony to do well in school so he can go. Darry sometimes pushes him too hard, so Ponyboy gets mad and thinks Darry is cruel and does not care about him. "Then after supper, me and Darry got into a fuss, about the fourth one we'd had that week. This one started because I hadn't done anything on that theme...What is the sweat about my schoolwork?" Pony said. This shows readers that Darry is always making sure Pony does his homework. It also shows that Darry cares about how Pony is doing in school. Ponyboy hates it when Darry pushes him and talks to him about his schoolwork. Darry just feels that someone in the family has the potential to attend college and receive a good education.

This book discusses all types of issues that teenagers deal with today, including issues with school. S.E. Hinton writes about these teen issues in the book to show readers that even if it seems that other people have the perfect life and are happy, they still have their own set of problems. Darry's issue in the book is his inability to attend college and become a success in the financial sense. Even though Darry never had a chance to get the good education he always wished he had, he can still become successful in life by working hard. And, after all, Darry is truly a success anyhow because he is raising his brothers on his own.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Some people, though, really deserve to pursue higher education and they work very hard to attend college; however, because of life’s unfortunate circumstances, sometimes they cannot. A character that dealt with this type of problem is Darry from the book The Outsiders . Darry is an extremely intelligent guy that is forced to struggle in life. He tries to handle two jobs because he does not have the opportunity to go to college.”) Furthermore, the language of the thesis fits the essay’s main examples very effectively. (“ Primarily, he also had to stay back and take care of his two brothers, Ponyboy and Sodapop, since their parents died in a car accident. Since Darry did not go to college, and Sodapop dropped out of high school, Darry now pushes Pony to do well in school and work hard. Darry had his problems in life because he was unable to go to college; however, he can be successful later on in life.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner. (“ However, a big problem that affected Darry's education was his financial circumstances….Since Darry cannot go to college, he pushes Pony to do well in school so he can go.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, and context. (“ First of all, Darry did very well in school and received good grades. ‘He had been a real popular guy in school; he was captain of the football team and been voted “Boy of the Year”,’ Pony said. Being captain of the football team would enable him to receive a scholarship.”) The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ At one point in the book, Pony even talks about how he can even be a Soc.…if it weren't for Ponyboy, Sodapop, and all of the rest of Darry's Greaser friends that hold him back.”) The essay effectively incorporates quotations from the text. (“‘ I looked at Darry. He wasn't going to be any hood when he got old. He was going to get somewhere,’ said Pony. Darry is probably going to be successful when he gets older and is not going to stay a hoodlum.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. Specifically, the essay demonstrates an effective introduction. (“ School is a very common problem for any teenager. Some teens are careless in their studies and do not even make it to college. Some people, though, really deserve to pursue higher education and they work very hard to attend college; however, because of life’s unfortunate circumstances, sometimes they cannot.”) Transitions between paragraphs are used very effectively. (“ First of all, Darry did very well in school and received good grades…. However, a big problem that affected Darry's education was his financial circumstances.”) The conclusion successfully leaves readers with something to think about. (“ This book discusses all types of issues that teenagers deal with today, including issues with school. S.E. Hinton writes about these teen issues in the book to show readers that even if it seems that other people have the perfect life and are happy, they still have their own set of problems.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, the language and tone are consistent. (“ This really shows how unselfish Darry is because he could have just put his brothers in a boys' home and gone off to college. He really cares about his brothers and would give anything up for them…. Darry just is not the kind of Greaser that is lazy and will not get anywhere in life. He is a great guy and deserves to go to college, plus much more.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related. (“ Moreover, Darry does not deserve to be labeled as a Greaser because he has a great deal of potential”) In addition, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Darry had his problems in life because he was unable to go to college; however, he can be successful later on in life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling within the essay. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ This book discusses all types of issues that teenagers deal with today, including issues with school. S.E. Hinton writes about these teen issues in the book to show readers that even if it seems that other people have the perfect life and are happy, they still have their own set of problems. Darry's issue in the book is his inability to attend college and become a success in the financial sense. Even though Darry never had a chance to get the good education he always wished he had, he can still become successful in life by working hard. And, after all, Darry is truly a success anyhow because he is raising his brothers on his own.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Are you labeled? Have you ever been labeled? In S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders people are grouped as Socs (high class) or Greasers (low class). Nobody is skeptical about who is who in this story. In this book the characters come across important and difficult teenage issues including violence, friendship, fear and poverty. A character named Johnny Cade has to face abuse, fear, and gang violence because he is a greaser. Through Johnny, readers learn undeniable lessons on many teenage issues.

Johnny's house is not exactly home sweet home for him. His parents beat and whip him with anything they can get their hands onto. Johnny even mentions that although he's hurt and very betrayed that his parents beat him, it's the only attention he gets from them, and so he kind of likes it. He feels that sometimes being ignored and getting the silent treatment is worse than getting a beating. He wanted some attention that badly. All the nights he and his parents fight are the nights he sleeps in an empty lot or at one of his friends' houses. Finally at the end of the book Johnny admits to his best friend Ponyboy that he hates his parents and does not care what they think of him.

Fear was a major part of Johnny's life. The only person he would admit his fears to was Ponyboy, his best friend. One of Johnny's biggest fears was the Socs. Most in particular was Bob, a Soc that beat Johnny up several times. Finally he faced his fear of Bob and the Socs by stabbing Bob when he tried to kill Ponyboy. Another fear Johnny had was of dying. At the end of the book he is laying in the hospital crying to Ponyboy that he does not want to die. Then he dies. Later on you read a note that Johnny wrote to Ponyboy telling him that he is not afraid of dying now, and that he finally feels good about his parents.

As a vivid Greaser, Johnny has a reputation. That reputation is to fight along with his gang. Sometimes Johnny seemed as though he liked fighting, but actually Ponyboy finds out in the end of the book that he hates it. He told Ponyboy that fighting will not solve anything. He said, "Pony, fighting will not end the feud, nothing will."

Many teenagers face the same problems and issues as the characters in this book. The bad part about this is no one can really stop it. I feel if more teenagers could read this book, then they might be able to relate more and deal with their problems a little bit better. Everybody in this world has some problems. Sometimes they can get fixed, and sometimes the problems will not get fixed. So, are you labeled?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the essay’s response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ In this book the characters come across important and difficult teenage issues including violence, friendship, fear and poverty. A character named Johnny Cade has to face abuse, fear, and gang violence because he is a greaser.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Fear was a major part of Johnny's life. The only person he would admit his fears to was Ponyboy, his best friend.”) Moreover, the writer includes details that highlight specific information about the character and dialogue, thus connecting the essay question to the text. (“Sometimes Johnny seemed as though he liked fighting, but actually Ponyboy finds out in the end of the book that he hates it. He told Ponyboy that fighting will not solve anything. He said, ‘Pony, fighting will not end the feud, nothing will.’”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Johnny's house is not exactly home sweet home for him. His parents beat and whip him with anything they can get their hands onto. Johnny even mentions that although he's hurt and very betrayed that his parents beat him, it's the only attention he gets from them, and so he kind of likes it.”) The essay also includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“At the end of the book he is laying in the hospital crying to Ponyboy that he does not want to die. Then he dies. Later on you read a note that Johnny wrote to Ponyboy telling him that he is not afraid of dying now, and that he finally feels good about his parents.”) The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“As a vivid Greaser, Johnny has a reputation. That reputation is to fight along with his gang. Sometimes Johnny seemed as though he liked fighting, but actually Ponyboy finds out in the end of the book that he hates it.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question. (“ Are you labeled? Have you ever been labeled?”) The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ A character named Johnny Cade has to face abuse, fear, and gang violence because he is a greaser. Through Johnny, readers learn undeniable lessons on many teenage issues.”) Finally, the conclusion teaches its readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. (“ I feel if more teenagers could read this book, then they might be able to relate more and deal with their problems a little bit better. Everybody in this world has some problems. Sometimes they can get fixed, and sometimes the problems will not get fixed.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Johnny's house is not exactly home sweet home for him. His parents beat and whip him with anything they can get their hands onto….Fear was a major part of Johnny's life. The only person he would admit his fears to was Ponyboy, his best friend.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related. (“ One of Johnny's biggest fears was the Socs. Most in particular was Bob, a Soc that beat Johnny up several times.”) Also, complex and compound sentences are used effectively. (“ Johnny even mentions that although he's hurt and very betrayed that his parents beat him, it's the only attention he gets from them, and so he kind of likes it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the message. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Many teenagers face the same problems and issues as the characters in this book. The bad part about this is no one can really stop it. I feel if more teenagers could read this book, then they might be able to relate more and deal with their problems a little bit better. Everybody in this world has some problems. Sometimes they can get fixed, and sometimes the problems will not get fixed. So, are you labeled?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Teenagers today have trouble choosing if they should follow their group or do as they please. Randy from the "Outsiders" faces the same thing. His group is a group of people who have lots of money and they gang up on the lower classes like "greasers". His problem is resolved at the end when Randy chooses to do what he feels is right.

At first, not knowing what to do, Randy tried to cope with this with many different methods. One of them was getting drunk. All that did was scare away his girlfriend Marcia when they were going to go to the "Nightly Double". Later after that, Marcia and her friend were spotted with two greasers, Ponyboy and Johnny. They took the girls home then came back to attack Pony and Johnny.

Another method of trying to fix this was by just feeling nothing. He became aloof and he had no emotions. The world became sort of an empty space and the only purpose he felt he had was to live. He also didn't mean half of what he said. He just went with the flow and drove in his car. This didn't work either because he was just avoiding the problem and that usually never works.

Fighting sometimes relieves stress and that's just what he did with his Soc friends. They would "jump" greasers or in other words, attack them while they were walking alone or in pairs. In larger groups, they might fight and a Soc could get hurt. Later on, Randy discovered like most of us believe, violence solves nothing.

At last, after his friend had been killed out of self-defense, Randy knew that the only was to solve his problem was to do what he felt was right. All his Soc friends wanted to have a big fight between the greasers to get revenge for Randy's friend, but Randy refused to fight. He saw that violence does nothing but hurt people. By making this decision, he was able to overcome the problem of peer pressure and being in a clique. He broke out on his own and he did what he believed and was led by his heart.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Teenagers today have trouble choosing if they should follow their group or do as they please. Randy from the ‘Outsiders’ faces the same thing. His group is a group of people who have lots of money and they gang up on the lower classes like ‘greasers.’”) The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view adequately. (“ His problem is resolved at the end when Randy chooses to do what he feels is right.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“In larger groups, they might fight and a Soc could get hurt. Later on, Randy discovered like most of us believe, violence solves nothing.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“[Randy] became aloof and he had no emotions. The world became sort of an empty space and the only purpose he felt he had was to live.”) The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“At first, not knowing what to do, Randy tried to cope with this with many different methods. One of them was getting drunk.”) The essay includes adequate details related to specific information about the plot. (“All that did was scare away his girlfriend Marcia when they were going to go to the ‘Nightly Double’. Later after that, Marcia and her friend were spotted with two greasers, Ponyboy and Johnny. They took the girls home then came back to attack Pony and Johnny.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates a good introduction. (“ Teenagers today have trouble choosing if they should follow their group or do as they please. Randy from the ‘Outsiders’ faces the same thing.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“At first, not knowing what to do, Randy tried to cope with this with many different methods…. Another method of trying to fix this was by just feeling nothing.”) The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson. (“ He saw that violence does nothing but hurt people. By making this decision, he was able to overcome the problem of peer pressure and being in a clique. He broke out on his own and he did what he believed and was led by his heart.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. For example, the lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ At first, not knowing what to do, Randy tried to cope with this with many different methods. One of them was getting drunk.”) Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the writer uses contractions and repetition in the essay. (“ This didn't work either because he was just avoiding the problem and that usually never works.”) There are few exact/specific words related to research. (“ Fighting sometimes relieves stress and that's just what he did with his Soc friends. They would ‘jump’ greasers or in other words, attack them while they were walking alone or in pairs. In larger groups, they might fight and a Soc could get hurt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and include a line break to separate paragraphs. (“ At first, not knowing what to do, Randy tried to cope with this with many different methods. One of them was getting drunk. All that did was scare away his girlfriend Marcia when they were going to go to the ‘Nightly Double’. Later after that, Marcia and her friend were spotted with two greasers, Ponyboy and Johnny. They took the girls home then came back to attack Pony and Johnny.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The problem that the the books the miracle boys and the outsiders have is that they both have something bad like gang ,fighting ,robbing all those things that you can get in trouble for. The teen issues that are in those books are that the teens are bad and they dont listen like in miracles boys charlie doesnt listen and runs away for a day and he goes to jail for stealing a candy store. In the outsiders the poor people have problems with the rich people they even have nick names the poor people are called the "greasers" and the rich people are called the "socs."

Those are good books. I liked both of them in the outsiders there are gangs and that book teaches the teens that being in a gang is just getting yourself into trouble. If your going to be in a gang im just saying that i dont think thats good for you and your family and friends. The outsiders has alot of problems like four people died because of of knives and the only reason was because some of the greaser where chillin with two socs girls.

In the book Miracle's Boys three boys try to survive after thier mom died of an illness and thier dad died trying to save a woman and her dog. The oldest Tyree had to drop out of school because he has to take care of charlie the trouble maker. He was locked up for holding up a candy store and the youngest one lafayette "laf" he’s the good one until the middle of the book he thinks that whatever charlie does is good so he thinks he was cool. One day he had a party without permmision and when tyree got home he was laying down drunk as heck.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The teen issues that are in those books are that the teens are bad and they dont listen like in miracles boys charlie doesnt listen and runs away for a day and he goes to jail for stealing a candy store.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“Those are good books. I liked both of them in the outsiders there are gangs and that book teaches the teens that being in a gang is just getting yourself into trouble. If your going to be in a gang im just saying that i dont think thats good for you and your family and friends.”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“One day he had a party without permmision and when tyree got home he was laying down drunk as heck.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The outsiders has alot of problems like four people died because of of knives and the only reason was because some of the greaser where chillin with two socs girls.”) The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The oldest Tyree had to drop out of school because he has to take care of charlie the trouble maker. He was locked up for holding up a candy store and the youngest one lafayette "laf" he’s the good one until the middle of the book he thinks that whatever charlie does is good so he thinks he was cool.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I liked both of them in the outsiders there are gangs and that book teaches the teens that being in a gang is just getting yourself into trouble. If your going to be in a gang im just saying that i dont think thats good for you and your family and friends.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The problem that the the books the miracle boys and the outsiders have is that they both have something bad like gang ,fighting ,robbing all those things that you can get in trouble for .”) The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The teen issues that are in those books are that the teens are bad and they dont listen like in miracles boys charlie doesnt listen and runs away for a day and he goes to jail for stealing a candy store.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ Those are good books. I liked both of them in the outsiders there are gangs and that book teaches the teens that being in a gang is just getting yourself into trouble. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The teen issues that are in those books are that the teens are bad and they dont listen like in miracles boys charlie doesnt listen and runs away for a day and he goes to jail for stealing a candy store.”) The style is not formal. (“ One day he had a party without permmision and when tyree got home he was laying down drunk as heck.”) There is repetition . (“ The problem that the the books the miracle boys and the outsiders have is that they both have something bad like gang ,fighting ,robbing all those things that you can get in trouble for.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Those are good books. I liked both of them in the outsiders there are gangs and that book teaches the teens that being in a gang is just getting yourself into trouble. If your going to be in a gang im just saying that i dont think thats good for you and your family and friends. The outsiders has alot of problems like four people died because of of knives and the only reason was because some of the greaser where chillin with two socs girls.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

"I killed that boy" cried Johnny. Some teenager deals with poverty! Johnny deals with family issues. The novel disgust how two Socs classes deals with issues.

Johnny runs away a lot because his daddy is always hitting him. Johnny and Pony come home from the movies and his mom and dad was argument, So the went to the vacant lot. Most of the time Johnny relies on his friends. Some time when a pony boy wakes up his finds Johnny on the couch asleep. Pony and Johnny got jumped one night by some Socs. Johnny killed one of them. They went to Dally to get some money and a gun.

Johnny puts a wall up to protect his self, so he can't get let down. A lot of people don't think he is cool.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. Specifically, the essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Johnny runs away a lot because his daddy is always hitting him. Johnny and Pony come home from the movies and his mom and dad was argument, So the went to the vacant lot.”) Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Most of the time Johnny relies on his friends. Some time when a pony boy wakes up his finds Johnny on the couch asleep.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Pony and Johnny got jumped one night by some Socs. Johnny killed one of them. They went to Dally to get some money and a gun.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ "I killed that boy" cried Johnny. Some teenager deals with poverty!”) Using transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Johnny runs away a lot because his daddy is always hitting him…. Johnny puts a wall up to protect his self, so he can't get let down.”) The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ Johnny puts a wall up to protect his self, so he can't get let down. A lot of people don't think he is cool.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. In particular, the style is not formal. (“ Johnny puts a wall up to protect his self, so he can't get let down. A lot of people don't think he is cool.”) Transitions are needed. (“ Johnny runs away a lot because his daddy is always hitting him. Johnny and Pony come home from the movies and his mom and dad was argument, So the went to the vacant lot.”) There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Johnny and Pony come home from the movies and his mom and dad was argument, So the went to the vacant lot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Johnny runs away a lot because his daddy is always hitting him. Johnny and Pony come home from the movies and his mom and dad was argument, So the went to the vacant lot. Most of the time Johnny relies on his friends. Some time when a pony boy wakes up his finds Johnny on the couch asleep. Pony and Johnny got jumped one night by some Socs. Johnny killed one of them. They went to Dally to get some money and a gun.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection, does not keep the same focus throughout the writing, and includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, and dialogue. (“In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text(s). The essay uses inadequate details that relate to the theme of the story, inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and t he essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The essay exhibits major errors in sentence structure and usage, t here are run-on portions in the essay, and transitions are needed. (“ In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“In The Outsiders there are two main types of gangs. The two gangs are the Greasers and the Socs. The greasers are the poor kid and the socs are the rich kids and they are spilt by two different sides the east and the west. The greaser and the socs fight all the time but is mainly the socs that jump the greasers. The greasers put the hair back with lots of gel and are tough. The socs are kids that wear sweater and really nice clothes.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

How do you think a newspaper reporter might have reported on the events in this story? Choose one of the important events in the story and write a news article about it. Tell who, what, when, where, and why in your article, and give it an appropriate headline.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Return to St. Petersburg

A peculiar occurrence has transpired in what was initially considered as an uneventful area, otherwise known as St. Petersburg. Three children, Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn, have been recently reported missing after found absent in the morning following their disappearance.

Rumors of the boys' disappearances had run rampant, the majority of which were based on personal assumptions and circumstantial evidence. Although the reasons for the disappearances are still pending, the most plausible explanation is that the boys drowned while swimming. Town sheriffs are presently investigating the areas each of the boys was most recently seen. After gathering scant evidence, the sheriffs have found that a raft had been taken, presumably by the boys. After questioning the boys' close acquaintances, it is evident that the lads' departure was deliberate, having notified their friends that they were expected to be in the midst of a truly notable hearsay. It was then concluded that the boys had taken the raft and proceeded to the next town. Hope diminished when the raft was found embedded against the Missouri shore some five or six miles below the village. A sense of futility shrouded the members of the community on that dire Wednesday. The boys had drowned, otherwise, hunger would have driven them home. It is speculated that the drowning perhaps occurred mid-channel, or else the boys would have swam to safety. Searches for the boys ceased, for retrieving the bodies became a futile and arduous endeavor.

Thomas Sawyer's close relatives, particularly his aunt Polly, had released vague statements regarding his disappearance. However, she purportedly had felt intense remorse while speaking with Mrs. Harper. "Oh, Mrs. Harper, I don't know how to give him up! I don't know how to give him up! He [Tom Sawyer] was such a comfort to me, although he tormented my old heart out of me, ‘most" (145). Harper's mother refused to comment on the situation, but was allegedly heard speaking to Aunt Polly. "To think I went and whipped him [Joe Harper] for taking that cream, never once recollecting that I throwed it out myself because it was sour, and I never to see him again in this world, never, never, never, poor abused boy!" (145). It was then conjectured that Mrs. Harper's ignorance drove Joseph Harper away. Huckleberry Finn, the village's pariah, is the most perplexing of the three absentees. Few people know of his personal accounts, and he also had no relatives to comment on his parting.

The boys had generated so much exposure that there was not one person in St. Petersburg who was uninformed of their state of affairs. The lads' funeral ceremony was scheduled to take place on a lugubrious Sunday, one which none could express any emotion other than despondency and desolation. The day prior to the service, Becky Thatcher, rumored to have had a relationship with Thomas Sawyer prior to his departure, was witnessed mourning his death. She was sulking near the school yard, attempting to console herself after Sawyer's then reported death. She was contemplating Thomas's parting and whether her decision to end her relationship with Tom prematurely could have motivated Tom to leave St. Petersburg. "This thought broke her down and she wandered away, with the tears rolling down her cheeks" (164).

As Sunday arrived, dejection and anguish were drifting in the church. All were appropriately dressed, clothed in funeral attire to mourn the loss of Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn. The minister commenced the ceremony by recollecting the poignant incidents that held the boys on a pedestal of honor. This exemplified their compassionate and thoughtful dispositions. In effect, the feeling of remorse was tacitly harbored in each person's heart as they recalled instances in which they disparaged their behavior as a foolish attempt to draw attention. The congregation failed in their efforts to hold back the waiting tears.

As the sermon drew on, there was an inconspicuous rustle in the gallery. As the door creaked open, the minister raised his drooped head from his handkerchief and glimpsed at an appalling sight. The boys swaggered down the aisle with such grace and nobility that they were the envy of their playmates. Evidently, the boys had clandestinely hid in the vacant gallery, eavesdropping on their sermon. Aunt Polly and Mary, Thomas Sawyer's cousin, arose from their seats and smothered Thomas in kisses and embraces. The Harpers did not restrain themselves as they showered Joe with affection. Huck lingered near the exit and was just about to depart, when Tom seized him and voiced his opinions to Aunt Polly regarding the absence of Huck's loved ones. Huck's relatives are rarely present, due to unresolved issues such as alcoholism, which primarily involve his father. "I'm glad to see him, poor motherless thing!" (167). Aunt Polly then displayed such affectionate attention upon Huck that it was capable of making the circumstance more discomfiting than it previously was.

The sense of ecstasy was restored in the village of St. Petersburg. Exultation was a long suppressed blossom in each person's heart, eager to mature, and on the verge of intensification. This phenomenon is to be accepted as a blessing, but may be further investigated in the future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with very descriptive details. (“As Sunday arrived, dejection and anguish were drifting in the church. All were appropriately dressed, clothed in funeral attire to mourn the loss of Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn. The minister commenced the ceremony by recollecting the poignant incidents that held the boys on a pedestal of honor. This exemplified their compassionate and thoughtful dispositions. In effect, the feeling of remorse was tacitly harbored in each person's heart as they recalled instances in which they disparaged their behavior as a foolish attempt to draw attention. The congregation failed in their efforts to hold back the waiting tears. As the sermon drew on, there was an inconspicuous rustle in the gallery. As the door creaked open, the minister raised his drooped head from his handkerchief and glimpsed at an appalling sight. The boys swaggered down the aisle with such grace and nobility that they were the envy of their playmates.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Evidently, the boys had clandestinely hid in the vacant gallery, eavesdropping on their sermon. Aunt Polly and Mary, Thomas Sawyer's cousin, arose from their seats and smothered Thomas in kisses and embraces. The Harpers did not restrain themselves as they showered Joe with affection. Huck lingered near the exit and was just about to depart, when Tom seized him and voiced his opinions to Aunt Polly regarding the absence of Huck's loved ones. Huck's relatives are rarely present, due to unresolved issues such as alcoholism, which primarily involve his father. ‘I'm glad to see him, poor motherless thing!’ (167). Aunt Polly then displayed such affectionate attention upon Huck that it was capable of making the circumstance more discomfiting than it previously was.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ A peculiar occurrence has transpired in what was initially considered as an uneventful area, otherwise known as St. Petersburg. Three children, Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn, have been recently reported missing after found absent in the morning following their disappearance. Rumors of the boys' disappearances had run rampant, the majority of which were based on personal assumptions and circumstantial evidence. Although the reasons for the disappearances are still pending, the most plausible explanation is that the boys drowned while swimming.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Hope diminished when the raft was found embedded against the Missouri shore some five or six miles below the village. A sense of futility shrouded the members of the community on that dire Wednesday. The boys had drowned, otherwise, hunger would have driven them home. It is speculated that the drowning perhaps occurred mid-channel, or else the boys would have swam to safety. Searches for the boys ceased, for retrieving the bodies became a futile and arduous endeavor.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“However, she purportedly had felt intense remorse while speaking with Mrs. Harper. ‘Oh, Mrs. Harper, I don't know how to give him up! I don't know how to give him up! He [Tom Sawyer] was such a comfort to me, although he tormented my old heart out of me, ‘most’ (145). Harper's mother refused to comment on the situation, but was allegedly heard speaking to Aunt Polly. ‘To think I went and whipped him [Joe Harper] for taking that cream, never once recollecting that I throwed it out myself because it was sour, and I never to see him again in this world, never, never, never, poor abused boy!’ (145). It was then conjectured that Mrs. Harper's ignorance drove Joseph Harper away. Huckleberry Finn, the village's pariah, is the most perplexing of the three absentees. Few people know of his personal accounts, and he also had no relatives to comment on his parting.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“After gathering scant evidence, the sheriffs have found that a raft had been taken, presumably by the boys. After questioning the boys' close acquaintances, it is evident that the lads' departure was deliberate, having notified their friends that they were expected to be in the midst of a truly notable hearsay. It was then concluded that the boys had taken the raft and proceeded to the next town. Hope diminished when the raft was found embedded against the Missouri shore some five or six miles below the village. A sense of futility shrouded the members of the community on that dire Wednesday. The boys had drowned, otherwise, hunger would have driven them home. It is speculated that the drowning perhaps occurred mid-channel, or else the boys would have swam to safety. Searches for the boys ceased, for retrieving the bodies became a futile and arduous endeavor. Thomas Sawyer's close relatives, particularly his aunt Polly, had released vague statements regarding his disappearance. However, she purportedly had felt intense remorse while speaking with Mrs. Harper. ‘Oh, Mrs. Harper, I don't know how to give him up! I don't know how to give him up!’”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices, is demonstrated throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention with a brief glimpse into the news of the disappearance of Tom Sawyer and his friends. (“ A peculiar occurrence has transpired in what was initially considered as an uneventful area, otherwise known as St. Petersburg. Three children, Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn, have been recently reported missing after found absent in the morning following their disappearance.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Thomas Sawyer's close relatives, particularly his aunt Polly, had released vague statements regarding his disappearance. However, she purportedly had felt intense remorse while speaking with Mrs. Harper. ‘Oh, Mrs. Harper, I don't know how to give him up! I don't know how to give him up! He [Tom Sawyer] was such a comfort to me, although he tormented my old heart out of me, ‘most’ (145). Harper's mother refused to comment on the situation, but was allegedly heard speaking to Aunt Polly. ‘To think I went and whipped him [Joe Harper] for taking that cream, never once recollecting that I throwed it out myself because it was sour, and I never to see him again in this world, never, never, never, poor abused boy!’ (145). ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves readers with something to think about. (“ The sense of ecstasy was restored in the village of St. Petersburg. Exultation was a long suppressed blossom in each person's heart, eager to mature, and on the verge of intensification. This phenomenon is to be accepted as a blessing, but may be further investigated in the future.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events occurring before, during, and after the boys’ funeral. (“ Rumors of the boys' disappearances had run rampant, the majority of which were based on personal assumptions and circumstantial evidence. Although the reasons for the disappearances are still pending, the most plausible explanation is that the boys drowned while swimming. Town sheriffs are presently investigating the areas each of the boys was most recently seen. After gathering scant evidence, the sheriffs have found that a raft had been taken, presumably by the boys. After questioning the boys' close acquaintances, it is evident that the lads' departure was deliberate, having notified their friends that they were expected to be in the midst of a truly notable hearsay. It was then concluded that the boys had taken the raft and proceeded to the next town.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed at the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the sadness felt by the boys’ families and community so that by the end of the so-called “funeral,” the readers understand the feelings of joy and exuberance the characters felt as they were overcome by the sight of the boys. (“ As Sunday arrived, dejection and anguish were drifting in the church. All were appropriately dressed, clothed in funeral attire to mourn the loss of Thomas Sawyer, Joseph Harper, and Huckleberry Finn. The minister commenced the ceremony by recollecting the poignant incidents that held the boys on a pedestal of honor. This exemplified their compassionate and thoughtful dispositions. In effect, the feeling of remorse was tacitly harbored in each person's heart as they recalled instances in which they disparaged their behavior as a foolish attempt to draw attention. The congregation failed in their efforts to hold back the waiting tears. As the sermon drew on, there was an inconspicuous rustle in the gallery. As the door creaked open, the minister raised his drooped head from his handkerchief and glimpsed at an appalling sight. The boys swaggered down the aisle with such grace and nobility that they were the envy of their playmates. Evidently, the boys had clandestinely hid in the vacant gallery, eavesdropping on their sermon. Aunt Polly and Mary, Thomas Sawyer's cousin, arose from their seats and smothered Thomas in kisses and embraces.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The sense of ecstasy was restored in the village of St. Petersburg. Exultation was a long suppressed blossom in each person's heart, eager to mature, and on the verge of intensification. This phenomenon is to be accepted as a blessing, but may be further investigated in the future.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ As the sermon drew on, there was an inconspicuous rustle in the gallery. As the door creaked open, the minister raised his drooped head from his handkerchief and glimpsed at an appalling sight. The boys swaggered down the aisle with such grace and nobility that they were the envy of their playmates. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dead Men Tell No Tales

At around midnight this morning at our local graveyard, a gory murder was committed. The name of the man who was killed is Dr. Robinson, a young man who journeyed to our graveyard to dig up the recently deceased Horse Williams’ body from his grave. Nobody is quite sure who committed this terrible murder or why they did it, we can only hope that the murderer is caught.

Rumors are flying all over town as our village's citizens speculate as to who killed Dr. Robinson. The most accepted theory on this subject is that Muff Potter, the village drunk, killed him. Although Muff has no recollection of murdering young Dr. Robinson, he could well have slipped into a drunken rage and attacked without even realizing it, before passing out. Since Muff‘s bloody knife was found next to the doctor ‘s dead body, it seems likely that he could have been the one to commit the crime. Although no one can be certain where this rumor started, it is believed that Injun Joe started this rumor. At a meeting earlier this day, he told us his account of what had happened at the graveyard. He admitted to trying to rob a grave for the poor doctor’s medical research, but proclaims that he did not kill him; Muff did. According to Injun Joe, when Robinson refused to pay five extra dollars, he grew angry and stabbed him with the knife. In response, all that Muff could say was, “I didn’t do it, friends, on my word and honor. I never done it.” Most of the town believes that Muff is guilty, should be locked away, and then hung.

Although Injun Joe's story is the most widely accepted, two young boys named Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn have something different to say about it. Although they have both sworn an oath of secrecy, we managed to learn all of the horrible details of the murder at our graveyard at midnight on the seventeenth of June. Apparently, they went down to the graveyard with a dead cat to try to find a cure for warts. According to Huck Finn, all you have to do is go to a graveyard at midnight and swing the dead cat over a grave saying, “Devil follow corpse, cat follow devil, warts follow cat, I ‘m done with ye.” So as they sat behind three gigantic elm trees, they heard voices approaching. Naturally, fear gripped their hearts and they lay still as they listened to the approaching voices. To make a long story short, they overheard the sounds of shovels digging into the ground and eventually, the thunk of metal on wood. They watched as Muff Potter and Injun Joe lifted the coffin into their wheelbarrow and then demanded an extra five dollars each. The young doctor in reply greatly angered the two men by exclaiming, “Look here, what does this mean? You required your pay in advance, and I ‘ve paid you." Joe responded by saying darkly, "Yes, and done more than that. Five years ago you drove me away from your father's kitchen one night, when I come ask you for something to eat, you said I warn't there for any good; and when I swore I'd get even with you if it took a hundred years, your father had me jailed for a vagrant...I've got you and you got to settle, you know!"

Injun Joe retaliated by threatening the young doctor who struck out and knocked Joe to the ground. This act of violence resulted in a full-fledged fight between Muff and Robinson. While the two fought, Injun Joe grabbed Muff s knife and snuck around behind Robinson. Just as the doctor knocked out Muff with a tombstone, Injun Joe struck out and stabbed Dr. Robinson in the chest, dealing the fatal blow. He muttered, "That score is settled- damn you," before he robbed the doctor's dead body and placed the bloody knife in Muff's hand. When Muff came to Injun Joe, he effectively spun him a false story that convinced poor Muff that he had committed the murder. Muff then begged Injun Joe not to tell anyone the story, and when Joe agreed, he ran off. Although nobody as of now knows these two boys’ version of the events that transpired at midnight in our graveyard, Injun Joe is still a possible threat and should be detained until we discover who committed this horrible crime.

As a result of last night’s events, Muff was taken by our sheriff and hurled into jail. Injun Joe however, remains on the loose. Although there are many people who believe that he should be tar and feathered for body-snatching, his character is so formidable that nobody is willing to take the lead in this matter. We can only hope that the man who is innocent is eventually freed, and that the guilty man is detained.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the murder of the young doctor in the graveyard. The writer is effective in engaging readers and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Injun Joe retaliated by threatening the young doctor who struck out and knocked Joe to the ground. This act of violence resulted in a full-fledged fight between Muff and Robinson. While the two fought, Injun Joe grabbed Muff s knife and snuck around behind Robinson. Just as the doctor knocked out Muff with a tombstone, Injun Joe struck out and stabbed Dr. Robinson in the chest, dealing the fatal blow. He muttered, ‘That score is settled- damn you,’ before he robbed the doctor's dead body and placed the bloody knife in Muff's hand.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Rumors are flying all over town as our village's citizens speculate as to who killed Dr. Robinson. The most accepted theory on this subject is that Muff Potter, the village drunk, killed him. Although Muff has no recollection of murdering young Dr. Robinson, he could well have slipped into a drunken rage and attacked without even realizing it, before passing out. Since Muff‘s bloody knife was found next to the doctor ‘s dead body, it seems likely that he could have been the one to commit the crime. Although no one can be certain where this rumor started, it is believed that Injun Joe started this rumor. At a meeting earlier this day, he told us his account of what had happened at the graveyard. He admitted to trying to rob a grave for the poor doctor’s medical research, but proclaims that he did not kill him; Muff did.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the events leading up to the murder, the murder itself, and the ways the guilty party covered up the crime. (“ Although Injun Joe's story is the most widely accepted, two young boys named Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn have something different to say about it. Although they have both sworn an oath of secrecy, we managed to learn all of the horrible details of the murder at our graveyard at midnight on the seventeenth of June. Apparently, they went down to the graveyard with a dead cat to try to find a cure for warts. According to Huck Finn, all you have to do is go to a graveyard at midnight and swing the dead cat over a grave saying, ‘Devil follow corpse, cat follow devil, warts follow cat, I ‘m done with ye.’ So as they sat behind three gigantic elm trees, they heard voices approaching. Naturally, fear gripped their hearts and they lay still as they listened to the approaching voices. To make a long story short, they overheard the sounds of shovels digging into the ground and eventually, the thunk of metal on wood. They watched as Muff Potter and Injun Joe lifted the coffin into their wheelbarrow and then demanded an extra five dollars each. The young doctor in reply greatly angered the two men by exclaiming, ‘Look here, what does this mean? You required your pay in advance, and I ‘ve paid you.’”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Although no one can be certain where this rumor started, it is believed that Injun Joe started this rumor. At a meeting earlier this day, he told us his account of what had happened at the graveyard. He admitted to trying to rob a grave for the poor doctor’s medical research, but proclaims that he did not kill him; Muff did. According to Injun Joe, when Robinson refused to pay five extra dollars, he grew angry and stabbed him with the knife. In response, all that Muff could say was, ‘I didn’t do it, friends, on my word and honor. I never done it.’ Most of the town believes that Muff is guilty, should be locked away, and then hung.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ Injun Joe retaliated by threatening the young doctor who struck out and knocked Joe to the ground. This act of violence resulted in a full-fledged fight between Muff and Robinson. While the two fought, Injun Joe grabbed Muff s knife and snuck around behind Robinson. Just as the doctor knocked out Muff with a tombstone, Injun Joe struck out and stabbed Dr. Robinson in the chest, dealing the fatal blow. He muttered, ‘That score is settled- damn you,’ before he robbed the doctor's dead body and placed the bloody knife in Muff's hand.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Rumors are flying all over town as our village's citizens speculate as to who killed Dr. Robinson. The most accepted theory on this subject is that Muff Potter, the village drunk, killed him. Although Muff has no recollection of murdering young Dr. Robinson, he could well have slipped into a drunken rage and attacked without even realizing it, before passing out. Since Muff‘s bloody knife was found next to the doctor ‘s dead body, it seems likely that he could have been the one to commit the crime.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The writer presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Dead Men Tell No Tales

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Although Injun Joe's story is the most widely accepted, two young boys named Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn have something different to say about it. Although they have both sworn an oath of secrecy, we managed to learn all of the horrible details of the murder at our graveyard at midnight on the seventeenth of June. Apparently, they went down to the graveyard with a dead cat to try to find a cure for warts.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that offers a summary of events and leaves the readers to wonder what will happen next. (“ As a result of last night’s events, Muff was taken by our sheriff and hurled into jail. Injun Joe however, remains on the loose. Although there are many people who believe that he should be tar and feathered for body-snatching, his character is so formidable that nobody is willing to take the lead in this matter. We can only hope that the man who is innocent is eventually freed, and that the guilty man is detained.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer successfully chooses word selections that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Rumors are flying all over town as our village's citizens speculate as to who killed Dr. Robinson. The most accepted theory on this subject is that Muff Potter, the village drunk, killed him. Although Muff has no recollection of murdering young Dr. Robinson, he could well have slipped into a drunken rage and attacked without even realizing it, before passing out.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ As a result of last night’s events, Muff was taken by our sheriff and hurled into jail. Injun Joe however, remains on the loose. Although there are many people who believe that he should be tar and feathered for body-snatching, his character is so formidable that nobody is willing to take the lead in this matter. We can only hope that the man who is innocent is eventually freed, and that the guilty man is detained. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Although Injun Joe's story is the most widely accepted, two young boys named Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn have something different to say about it. Although they have both sworn an oath of secrecy, we managed to learn all of the horrible details of the murder at our graveyard at midnight on the seventeenth of June. Apparently, they went down to the graveyard with a dead cat to try to find a cure for warts. According to Huck Finn, all you have to do is go to a graveyard at midnight and swing the dead cat over a grave saying, ‘Devil follow corpse, cat follow devil, warts follow cat, I ‘m done with ye.’ So as they sat behind three gigantic elm trees, they heard voices approaching. Naturally, fear gripped their hearts and they lay still as they listened to the approaching voices.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Naturally, fear gripped their hearts and they lay still as they listened to the approaching voices. To make a long story short, they overheard the sounds of shovels digging into the ground and eventually, the thunk of metal on wood. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Are you being cheated?

Earlier this week, a boy named Tom Sawyer was instructed to paint a white picket fence for skipping school to go swimming. Fellow friends of Tom's were bribed into working for Tom. Tom's guardian, Aunt Polly, gifted Tom with rewards while the people that did the real work got nothing.

Tom was caught red-handed when he tried to lie about going to school. Him and his family sat down for their normal dinner when Aunt Polly asks how Tom's day at school was because she was a little suspicious. She checks the collar of Tom's shirt and yet it is still there. Just then, Sid points out that the collar is sewn back on to his shirt with black thread instead of the original white thread that Aunt Polly stitched with. Tom was caught. Aunt Polly assigned Tom to white wash the fence on Saturday.

Saturday is finally here; the day Tom is dreading. Sid walked by with his bucket of water and Tom offers to trade chores when he hasn't even started. Already chopping at the bit to not whitewash the fence, he springs an idea. Tom's theory is that if he makes washing the fence look fun, others will want to paint it, then he won't have to white wash. So Tom pretends he is a water wheel and making sounds and waving his arms and painting at the same time. Then sure enough, someone walks by and thinks that what Tom is doing looks like fun and he would like to give it a try. Tom plays it off to the boy as it would be a bad idea. The boy offers a treasure and Tom gives in. Others see the boy having fun painting, so they want to try. Eventually the whole fence gets painted with Tom doing little to no work, and also rich with gadgets and trinkets.

Not only did Tom get off easy, he had this empty time that he could use. He decides to spend his time playing with his new toys and treasures. Also he kicks back and relaxes. You think he has it easy but it gets easier because then Aunt Polly realizes "the work he has done" and rewards him for his work with a talk and an apple.

I hope that you the townspeople don't get cheated by Tom Sawyer. Even though he was creative by trying to sew back on his collar and even the creative way to paint a fence, you shouldn't have to lose your treasures just to be doing someone else's work. I hope Tom Sawyer doesn't cheat you anytime soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the event of Tom tricking kids into doing his work for him and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“Earlier this week, a boy named Tom Sawyer was instructed to paint a white picket fence for skipping school to go swimming. Fellow friends of Tom's were bribed into working for Tom. Tom's guardian, Aunt Polly, gifted Tom with rewards while the people that did the real work got nothing. Tom was caught red-handed when he tried to lie about going to school. Him and his family sat down for their normal dinner when Aunt Polly asks how Tom's day at school was because she was a little suspicious. She checks the collar of Tom's shirt and yet it is still there. Just then, Sid points out that the collar is sewn back on to his shirt with black thread instead of the original white thread that Aunt Polly stitched with. Tom was caught. Aunt Polly assigned Tom to white wash the fence on Saturday.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer reports on the event of Tom tricking his friends and warns readers to avoid the same scam if they can. (“Not only did Tom get off easy, he had this empty time that he could use. He decides to spend his time playing with his new toys and treasures. Also he kicks back and relaxes. You think he has it easy but it gets easier because then Aunt Polly realizes ‘the work he has done’ and rewards him for his work with a talk and an apple.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I hope that you the townspeople don't get cheated by Tom Sawyer. Even though he was creative by trying to sew back on his collar and even the creative way to paint a fence, you shouldn't have to lose your treasures just to be doing someone else's work. I hope Tom Sawyer doesn't cheat you anytime soon.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Saturday is finally here; the day Tom is dreading. Sid walked by with his bucket of water and Tom offers to trade chores when he hasn't even started. Already chopping at the bit to not whitewash the fence, he springs an idea. Tom's theory is that if he makes washing the fence look fun, others will want to paint it, then he won't have to white wash. So Tom pretends he is a water wheel and making sounds and waving his arms and painting at the same time. Then sure enough, someone walks by and thinks that what Tom is doing looks like fun and he would like to give it a try. Tom plays it off to the boy as it would be a bad idea. The boy offers a treasure and Tom gives in. Others see the boy having fun painting, so they want to try. Eventually the whole fence gets painted with Tom doing little to no work, and also rich with gadgets and trinkets.”)

The writer should include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text to make the described event more meaningful for readers. Using actual quotes, rather than just stating what the character said, would add to the richness and fullness of the reporter’s summary of the selected event. (“Tom was caught red-handed when he tried to lie about going to school. Him and his family sat down for their normal dinner when Aunt Polly asks how Tom's day at school was because she was a little suspicious. She checks the collar of Tom's shirt and yet it is still there. Just then, Sid points out that the collar is sewn back on to his shirt with black thread instead of the original white thread that Aunt Polly stitched with. Tom was caught. Aunt Polly assigned Tom to white wash the fence on Saturday.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ Tom's theory is that if he makes washing the fence look fun, others will want to paint it, then he won't have to white wash. So Tom pretends he is a water wheel and making sounds and waving his arms and painting at the same time. Then sure enough, someone walks by and thinks that what Tom is doing looks like fun and he would like to give it a try. Tom plays it off to the boy as it would be a bad idea. The boy offers a treasure and Tom gives in. ”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Are you being cheated? Earlier this week, a boy named Tom Sawyer was instructed to paint a white picket fence for skipping school to go swimming. Fellow friends of Tom's were bribed into working for Tom. Tom's guardian, Aunt Polly, gifted Tom with rewards while the people that did the real work got nothing.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Not only did Tom get off easy, he had this empty time that he could use. He decides to spend his time playing with his new toys and treasures. Also he kicks back and relaxes. You think he has it easy but it gets easier because then Aunt Polly realizes "the work he has done" and rewards him for his work with a talk and an apple.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ I hope that you the townspeople don't get cheated by Tom Sawyer. Even though he was creative by trying to sew back on his collar and even the creative way to paint a fence, you shouldn't have to lose your treasures just to be doing someone else's work. I hope Tom Sawyer doesn't cheat you anytime soon.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Saturday is finally here; the day Tom is dreading. Sid walked by with his bucket of water and Tom offers to trade chores when he hasn't even started. Already chopping at the bit to not whitewash the fence, he springs an idea. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of a reporter conveying the facts of an event that took place in the story. (“ Earlier this week, a boy named Tom Sawyer was instructed to paint a white picket fence for skipping school to go swimming. Fellow friends of Tom's were bribed into working for Tom. Tom's guardian, Aunt Polly, gifted Tom with rewards while the people that did the real work got nothing.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Not only did Tom get off easy, he had this empty time that he could use. He decides to spend his time playing with his new toys and treasures. Also he kicks back and relaxes. You think he has it easy but it gets easier because then Aunt Polly realizes "the work he has done" and rewards him for his work with a talk and an apple.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“Tom was caught red-handed when he tried to lie about going to school. Him and his family sat down for their normal dinner when Aunt Polly asks how Tom's day at school was because she was a little suspicious. She checks the collar of Tom's shirt and yet it is still there. Just then, Sid points out that the collar is sewn back on to his shirt with black thread instead of the original white thread that Aunt Polly stitched with. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two Young Children Get Engaged!

Two kids engaged? Is this true? Yes, yes it is. A young boy known as Tom Sawyer popped the question (will you be engaged to me?) to a young girl named Becky Thatcher at reccess, not knowing what it means, she said yes, a few minutes after the question was asked, Tom, mistakenly mentioned his ex-fiance, Becky thought that Tom had feelings for this significant other, poor Becky became offended and supposedly ran away, leaving Tom devistated on the playground. There relationship is still being questioned but they are said not to be ex's yet, Becky just needs to cool off, says a source.

Becky: a soft hearted 'A' student who goes to school, Tom; a trouble making 'D' student who plays hooky, are together and engaged. Becky's parents do not aprove of this and might kick her out of the house because they think she can do much better. On the other hand, Toms aunt is welcomeing Becky in to the house because she thinks Tom can't do any better

Every one was suprized that little kind hearted Becky would go out with such a fool. Everybody on the school yard are assumeing that she must like the bad boys. The whole town was also suprized about Tom asking Becky and not asking a drunk homless lady named brenda. Most people would think that a drunk homless lady would be more suitible for him. A portion of the town's opinion is that Becky might do Tom some good and change his crazy, dirty, messy ways. All we can do, is hope that this relationship works and see how Tom will change, if he does at all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the event in the story but makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Two Young Children Get Engaged! Two kids engaged? Is this true? Yes, yes it is. A young boy known as Tom Sawyer popped the question (will you be engaged to me?) to a young girl named Becky Thatcher at reccess, not knowing what it means, she said yes, a few minutes after the question was asked, Tom, mistakenly mentioned his ex-fiance, Becky thought that Tom had feelings for this significant other, poor Becky became offended and supposedly ran away…”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing an event in a reporter’s style of answering questions such as who, what, when, where, why, and how, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“ The whole town was also suprized about Tom asking Becky and not asking a drunk homless lady named brenda. Most people would think that a drunk homless lady would be more suitible for him. ”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, but is limited in including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ Every one was suprized that little kind hearted Becky would go out with such a fool. Everybody on the school yard are assumeing that she must like the bad boys. The whole town was also suprized about Tom asking Becky and not asking a drunk homless lady named brenda. Most people would think that a drunk homless lady would be more suitible for him. A portion of the town's opinion is that Becky might do Tom some good and change his crazy, dirty, messy ways. ”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Every one was suprized that little kind hearted Becky would go out with such a fool. Everybody on the school yard are assumeing that she must like the bad boys. The whole town was also suprized about Tom asking Becky and not asking a drunk homless lady named brenda. Most people would think that a drunk homless lady would be more suitible for him. ”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ A young boy known as Tom Sawyer popped the question (will you be engaged to me?) to a young girl named Becky Thatcher at reccess, not knowing what it means, she said yes,… ”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Becky: a soft hearted 'A' student who goes to school, Tom; a trouble making 'D' student who plays hooky, are together and engaged. Becky's parents do not aprove of this and might kick her out of the house because they think she can do much better. On the other hand, Toms aunt is welcomeing Becky in to the house because she thinks Tom can't do any better”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Two kids engaged? Is this true? Yes, yes it is. A young boy known as Tom Sawyer popped the question (will you be engaged to me?) to a young girl named Becky Thatcher at reccess, not knowing what it means, she said yes, a few minutes after the question was asked, Tom, mistakenly mentioned his ex-fiance, Becky thought that Tom had feelings for this significant other, poor Becky became offended and supposedly ran away, leaving Tom devistated on the playground. There relationship is still being questioned but they are said not to be ex's yet, Becky just needs to cool off, says a source. ”)

The writer needs to incorporate more t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Becky: a soft hearted 'A' student who goes to school, Tom; a trouble making 'D' student who plays hooky, are together and engaged. Becky's parents do not aprove of this and might kick her out of the house because they think she can do much better. On the other hand, Toms aunt is welcomeing Becky in to the house because she thinks Tom can't do any better ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The writer provides a limited conclusion that fails to summarize the details of the event or give the readers something to think about as the newspaper report draws to a close. (“ A portion of the town's opinion is that Becky might do Tom some good and change his crazy, dirty, messy ways. All we can do, is hope that this relationship works and see how Tom will change, if he does at all. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ A young boy known as Tom Sawyer popped the question (will you be engaged to me?) to a young girl named Becky Thatcher at reccess, not knowing what it means, she said yes, a few minutes after the question was asked, Tom, mistakenly mentioned his ex-fiance, Becky thought that Tom had feelings for this significant other, poor Becky became offended and supposedly ran away, leaving Tom devistated on the playground. ”)

Although the writer manages to give a humorous tone to the main character’s engagement, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the significance of the event or how it impacts the characters. (“ A portion of the town's opinion is that Becky might do Tom some good and change his crazy, dirty, messy ways. All we can do, is hope that this relationship works and see how Tom will change, if he does at all. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Every one was suprized that little kind hearted Becky would go out with such a fool. Everybody on the school yard are assumeing that she must like the bad boys. The whole town was also suprized about Tom asking Becky and not asking a drunk homless lady named brenda. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Becky's parents do not aprove of this and might kick her out of the house because they think she can do much better. On the other hand, Toms aunt is welcomeing Becky in to the house because she thinks Tom can't do any better”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Tom Sawyer was a great kid that lived with his aunt, in that house lived his aunt, his cousin, his step brother, and him. His aunt was a mean old lady that uses to listen a lot to Tom's step brother. Sometimes she uses to be nice. His cousin was the nice one she always uses to do the dishes and the food. Sometimes she uses to watch the kids. His step brother was an annoying spoiled kid. He always uses to blame everything on Tom. They were just a happy family.

One afternoon everyone was eating in the kitchen table. Tom was ahead of his cousin, her cousin was sitting next to the step brother, and Aunt Polly was cooking the food. They were eating and the step brother got the sugar and dropped on the floor purposely. After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him. Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the characters who live together and an event that occurred in the kitchen; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“His step brother was an annoying spoiled kid. He always uses to blame everything on Tom. They were just a happy family. One afternoon everyone was eating in the kitchen table. Tom was ahead of his cousin, her cousin was sitting next to the step brother, and Aunt Polly was cooking the food. They were eating and the step brother got the sugar and dropped on the floor purposely. After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for what happens to Tom after he gets in trouble and leaves the house. (“ They were eating and the step brother got the sugar and dropped on the floor purposely. After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him. Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain any semblance of a resolution to the event. In fact, the ending leaves readers wondering what happens next, and therefore, the response is incomplete. (“ Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when something broke in the kitchen and Tom got blamed for it, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him. Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“His step brother was an annoying spoiled kid. He always uses to blame everything on Tom. They were just a happy family.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“One afternoon everyone was eating in the kitchen table. Tom was ahead of his cousin, her cousin was sitting next to the step brother, and Aunt Polly was cooking the food. They were eating and the step brother got the sugar and dropped on the floor purposely. After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him. Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. There is minimal structure and a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Tom Sawyer was a great kid that lived with his aunt, in that house lived his aunt, his cousin, his step brother, and him.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect an initiative to report an important event in the story and answer the questions of who, what, when, where, why, and how. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“His step brother was an annoying spoiled kid. He always uses to blame everything on Tom. They were just a happy family. One afternoon everyone was eating in the kitchen table. Tom was ahead of his cousin, her cousin was sitting next to the step brother, and Aunt Polly was cooking the food. They were eating and the step brother got the sugar and dropped on the floor purposely.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ . After his aunt heard the bowl break and she thought that it was Tom and she punished him. Tom got so sad he got his sweater and hat and he left. That's when everything started. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not exhibit strong voice or style in the essay. (“ Tom Sawyer was a great kid that lived with his aunt, in that house lived his aunt, his cousin, his step brother, and him. His aunt was a mean old lady that uses to listen a lot to Tom's step brother. Sometimes she uses to be nice.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ His cousin was the nice one she always uses to do the dishes and the food. Sometimes she uses to watch the kids. His step brother was an annoying spoiled kid. He always uses to blame everything on Tom.”)

There is repetition. (“ His aunt was a mean old lady that uses to listen a lot to Tom's step brother. Sometimes she uses to be nice. His cousin was the nice one she always uses to do the dishes and the food. Sometimes she uses to watch the kids.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ His aunt was a mean old lady that uses to listen a lot to Tom's step brother. Sometimes she uses to be nice. His cousin was the nice one she always uses to do the dishes and the food. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The story the adventures of tom sourer was a fine book I especially like the part were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. The truth was that injinjoe killed the doctor and framed huff for the murder.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. (“ The story the adventures of tom sourer was a fine book I especially like the part were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writing in this essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“ When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. ”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of the murder in the graveyard, but does not reveal relevant details for support. (“ When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. The truth was that injinjoe killed the doctor and framed huff for the murder.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The story the adventures of tom sourer was a fine book I especially like the part were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. The truth was that injinjoe killed the doctor and framed huff for the murder.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The story the adventures of tom sourer was a fine book I especially like the part were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. When tom and hock catch the doctor grave robing with inginejoe and huff. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. The truth was that injinjoe killed the doctor and framed huff for the murder. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The story the adventures of tom sourer was a fine book I especially like the part were Tom and hock aberryfin go to the grave yard to get ride of there warts by using dead cats. ”)

The writer’s lack of voice and style contributes to a confused and almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Tom and hock catch injianejoe stabbing the doctor with a nife. Tom and hock make a blood oth to never tell any one. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The truth was that injinjoe killed the doctor and framed huff for the murder.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Call of the Wild by Jack London

Suppose you are a newspaper reporter covering the nineteenth-century gold rush in Alaska. You have seen Buck pulling the sled for John Thornton, and you have heard many stories told about the famous dog.

Write a news article about Buck. Tell where he came from, describe some of the remarkable things he did, and tell what happened to him in the end.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A gold rush in Alaska? Yes, you read that right! The biggest gold rush there has ever been. There are thousands of men and women absolutely everywhere. People are rushing around, fixing up plans for the best way to go. Everyone is after the same thing, and many are asking for clues, but the real question is, who will find it first?

Tagging along with the men and women are their courageous sled crew. There are thousands men and women alone looking for the gold, but to add to that craziness, there are even more dogs coming along for the adventure. Now, I have been hearing many stories about one dog specifically. I have also had the chance to see him do what he does best, and for that I am honored. For those of you that don't know exactly whom I'm talking about, he answers to the name of Buck. He has done some of the most remarkable things for his owner, John Thornton.

While visiting the camps, we questioned Thornton about where he found such a fine dog. Thornton replied, "It just kind of happened. I'm very lucky to have Buck, and he has done some unforgettable things for me. He is leading our team of dogs to success, and this whole trip has been great while Buck has been apart of it." Buck is a mix breed between a German Shepard and St. Bernard. Born in California, he has made quite the journey to end up all the way here in Alaska. The icy cold weather is much different then the sunny state that Buck is used to, and he has made many changes to adapt to the weather of his new home.

Besides the love of his new hobby of searching for gold, Buck has also found something, or should I say someone, to love. His courageous attitude and friendly personality has really been showing off for someone in particular. His owner, Thornton, is the lucky that this is being shared with. Buck absolutely loves spending time with Thornton, and would risk his like for him. Literally.

Over the past few weeks, while traveling to find gold, Thornton and his crew have been put to the test, and just when they need it most, Buck comes to their rescue. They have been put in many life risking situations that no one even wants to think about. Earlier on in their journey, their crew was on a boat when Thornton just so happened to fall into the icy water. With not much to do, the other men were stuck in their tracks, but Buck was already on the move. Flying into the water, Buck landed with a big splash and swam with all his might to save Thornton. With alot of strength, and a little help from a rope supplied from the other crew members, Buck pulled Thornton to the shore safely.

Another remarkable instance in which Buck was the hero took place not too long ago. Thornton took on the bet of $1,200 that Buck could pull a sled that weighed 1000 pounds. While many doubted that one dog could ever pull that much weight by himself, Buck was there to prove all of them wrong. With a little pep talk from Thornton before the task, and a lot of love that filled his heart, Buck fulfilled his part of the bargain and gained his owner some extra cash.

But not all stories end in a happy ending. While wandering back to which they were camped, Buck soon discovered that the site had been attacked by a tribe of Yeehats. Everyone was murdered, and Buck saw no reason to stay in the world of men anymore. He eventually followed his call to the wild, and no longer did what he was trained to do ever again. While the devastation was there in Buck, he did what he knew was best for him after losing everything that he loved. Somewhere out there, I'm sure that Buck has finally found the place that he has been searching for all this time. A place where will always be his home.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a central/controlling idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“While visiting the camps, we questioned Thornton about where he found such a fine dog. Thornton replied, ‘It just kind of happened. I'm very lucky to have Buck, and he has done some unforgettable things for me. He is leading our team of dogs to success, and this whole trip has been great while Buck has been apart of it.’ Buck is a mix breed between a German Shepard and St. Bernard. Born in California, he has made quite the journey to end up all the way here in Alaska. The icy cold weather is much different then the sunny state that Buck is used to, and he has made many changes to adapt to the weather of his new home.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Another remarkable instance in which Buck was the hero took place not too long ago. Thornton took on the bet of $1,200 that Buck could pull a sled that weighed 1000 pounds. While many doubted that one dog could ever pull that much weight by himself, Buck was there to prove all of them wrong. With a little pep talk from Thornton before the task, and a lot of love that filled his heart, Buck fulfilled his part of the bargain and gained his owner some extra cash.”)

The language of the thesis statement fits the examples very effectively. (“Besides the love of his new hobby of searching for gold, Buck has also found something, or should I say someone, to love. His courageous attitude and friendly personality has really been showing off for someone in particular. His owner, Thornton, is the lucky that this is being shared with. Buck absolutely loves spending time with Thornton, and would risk his like for him. Literally. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer provides details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“But not all stories end in a happy ending. While wandering back to which they were camped, Buck soon discovered that the site had been attacked by a tribe of Yeehats. Everyone was murdered, and Buck saw no reason to stay in the world of men anymore. He eventually followed his call to the wild, and no longer did what he was trained to do ever again. While the devastation was there in Buck, he did what he knew was best for him after losing everything that he loved. Somewhere out there, I'm sure that Buck has finally found the place that he has been searching for all this time. A place where will always be his home.”)

The writer effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Thornton replied, ‘It just kind of happened. I'm very lucky to have Buck, and he has done some unforgettable things for me. He is leading our team of dogs to success, and this whole trip has been great while Buck has been apart of it.’”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Another remarkable instance in which Buck was the hero took place not too long ago. Thornton took on the bet of $1,200 that Buck could pull a sled that weighed 1000 pounds. While many doubted that one dog could ever pull that much weight by himself, Buck was there to prove all of them wrong. With a little pep talk from Thornton before the task, and a lot of love that filled his heart, Buck fulfilled his part of the bargain and gained his owner some extra cash.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the chaotic scene of a gold rush in Alaska. (“A gold rush in Alaska? Yes, you read that right! The biggest gold rush there has ever been. There are thousands of men and women absolutely everywhere. People are rushing around, fixing up plans for the best way to go. Everyone is after the same thing, and many are asking for clues, but the real question is, who will find it first? ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Over the past few weeks, while traveling to find gold, Thornton and his crew have been put to the test, and just when they need it most, Buck comes to their rescue. They have been put in many life risking situations that no one even wants to think about. Earlier on in their journey, their crew was on a boat when Thornton just so happened to fall into the icy water. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves readers with something to think about. (“But not all stories end in a happy ending. While wandering back to which they were camped, Buck soon discovered that the site had been attacked by a tribe of Yeehats. Everyone was murdered, and Buck saw no reason to stay in the world of men anymore. He eventually followed his call to the wild, and no longer did what he was trained to do ever again. While the devastation was there in Buck, he did what he knew was best for him after losing everything that he loved. Somewhere out there, I'm sure that Buck has finally found the place that he has been searching for all this time. A place where will always be his home. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Buck’s life. (“With not much to do, the other men were stuck in their tracks, but Buck was already on the move. Flying into the water, Buck landed with a big splash and swam with all his might to save Thornton. With alot of strength, and a little help from a rope supplied from the other crew members, Buck pulled Thornton to the shore safely. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the setting for the readers. (“A gold rush in Alaska? Yes, you read that right! The biggest gold rush there has ever been. There are thousands of men and women absolutely everywhere. People are rushing around, fixing up plans for the best way to go. Everyone is after the same thing, and many are asking for clues, but the real question is, who will find it first? ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Tagging along with the men and women are their courageous sled crew. There are thousands men and women alone looking for the gold, but to add to that craziness, there are even more dogs coming along for the adventure. Now, I have been hearing many stories about one dog specifically. I have also had the chance to see him do what he does best, and for that I am honored. For those of you that don't know exactly whom I'm talking about, he answers to the name of Buck. He has done some of the most remarkable things for his owner, John Thornton.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“A gold rush in Alaska? Yes, you read that right! The biggest gold rush there has ever been. There are thousands of men and women absolutely everywhere. People are rushing around, fixing up plans for the best way to go. Everyone is after the same thing, and many are asking for clues, but the real question is, who will find it first? ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This week I had the privilege to witness one of the most amazing events in the history of Alaska. I was enjoying a drink at our local saloon when a dog and his owner became gold rush legend. Who are these people? Where did this dog come from? Where are they now? I did a little digging around, and I managed to answer these questions for myself and the general public.

First off, the exceptional dog is named Buck. He was born and raised at a plantation in southern California before being transported to the Yukon. His ownership was lost in a bet made by the grounds man at his home. When he arrived in Alaska, he was sold to the mail transport sled of Dawson. Buck adapted to his new surroundings remarkably fast, according to his first owner, Francois. "We expected him to be a good dog, nothing special. When he became our lead we realized that we had something really great on our hands. We had to sell Buck in Dawson, but he was the best dog I ever used." Said the French-Canadian on his old canine. How did he become lead dog when they had a seasoned professional on the team? "Spitz and he never got along. Eventually Buck got sick of it and killed Spitz for control. He was twice the dog Spitz was, even though he had years more practice leading."

I am sure you are all wondering what feat this dog did to amaze me so profoundly. Well, it was not just his track record of success. After being sold to a group of ignorant southerners, Buck came to be owned by a John Thornton. Some of you may have known Thornton, since he prefered our saloon than the others in the area. Anyways - Like I said, I was enjoying a mug of cider at El Dorado when Buck and John entered. At the bar, some man took a swing at John. Obviously intoxicated, the man made a bet for a ridiculous amount of money that Buck could not pull a 1000 pound sled for 100 yards. Sounds like a good plan, right? Wrong. Buck pulled the sled the entire 100 yards, all out of love for Thornton! It had never been done before! He ended up winning enough money for John and his friends to pay off the entirety of their debt. It was the most phenomenal action I have ever seen, and I am a tried and true Yukon man!

Now where are these two? Unfortunately, I have to say that John Thornton was brutally murdered by a mad group of Indians. On the bright side, Buck still endures and is every bit as outstanding as he was before. He managed to hunt down all of the indians that killed his owner, either killing them or scaring them to the point where they left the valley where they previously lived. Buck was strong enough to survive in the wild without the help of any humans, and is now the alpha of the local wolf pack. He was stronger than any of the wolves, which had been born and raised in the wild... Even though Buck came from the life of a pet! Almost the entire wolf population has his blood now.

Buck is possibly the most remarkable dog I have ever seen in all of my time as a news reporter. I have seen sled races, dog fights, and feats that I previously thought were impossible. None of this compares to what I have seen in my experience with Buck and his owner John Thornton. I have no doubt that he will live to a ripe old age in the valley of John's death, continuing to lead and respond to the call of the wild.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the life of Buck. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Some of you may have known Thornton, since he prefered our saloon than the others in the area. Anyways - Like I said, I was enjoying a mug of cider at El Dorado when Buck and John entered. At the bar, some man took a swing at John. Obviously intoxicated, the man made a bet for a ridiculous amount of money that Buck could not pull a 1000 pound sled for 100 yards. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“First off, the exceptional dog is named Buck. He was born and raised at a plantation in southern California before being transported to the Yukon. His ownership was lost in a bet made by the grounds man at his home. When he arrived in Alaska, he was sold to the mail transport sled of Dawson. Buck adapted to his new surroundings remarkably fast, according to his first owner, Francois. ”)

The essay is focused on the central/controlling idea and includes sufficient details about the life of Buck. (“On the bright side, Buck still endures and is every bit as outstanding as he was before. He managed to hunt down all of the indians that killed his owner, either killing them or scaring them to the point where they left the valley where they previously lived. Buck was strong enough to survive in the wild without the help of any humans, and is now the alpha of the local wolf pack. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Buck adapted to his new surroundings remarkably fast, according to his first owner, Francois. ‘We expected him to be a good dog, nothing special. When he became our lead we realized that we had something really great on our hands. We had to sell Buck in Dawson, but he was the best dog I ever used.’ Said the French-Canadian on his old canine. How did he become lead dog when they had a seasoned professional on the team? ‘Spitz and he never got along. Eventually Buck got sick of it and killed Spitz for control. He was twice the dog Spitz was, even though he had years more practice leading.’”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Obviously intoxicated, the man made a bet for a ridiculous amount of money that Buck could not pull a 1000 pound sled for 100 yards. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Buck was strong enough to survive in the wild without the help of any humans, and is now the alpha of the local wolf pack. He was stronger than any of the wolves, which had been born and raised in the wild... Even though Buck came from the life of a pet! Almost the entire wolf population has his blood now.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“This week I had the privilege to witness one of the most amazing events in the history of Alaska. I was enjoying a drink at our local saloon when a dog and his owner became gold rush legend. Who are these people? Where did this dog come from? Where are they now? I did a little digging around, and I managed to answer these questions for myself and the general public. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“First off, the exceptional dog is named Buck. He was born and raised at a plantation in southern California before being transported to the Yukon. His ownership was lost in a bet made by the grounds man at his home. When he arrived in Alaska, he was sold to the mail transport sled of Dawson. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves readers with a sense of closure. (“Buck is possibly the most remarkable dog I have ever seen in all of my time as a news reporter. I have seen sled races, dog fights, and feats that I previously thought were impossible. None of this compares to what I have seen in my experience with Buck and his owner John Thornton. I have no doubt that he will live to a ripe old age in the valley of John's death, continuing to lead and respond to the call of the wild. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates good word choice, which helps the essay achieve consistent language and tone. (“Now where are these two? Unfortunately, I have to say that John Thornton was brutally murdered by a mad group of Indians. On the bright side, Buck still endures and is every bit as outstanding as he was before. He managed to hunt down all of the indians that killed his owner, either killing them or scaring them to the point where they left the valley where they previously lived. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“I am sure you are all wondering what feat this dog did to amaze me so profoundly. Well, it was not just his track record of success.”)

The writer's use of coherent style and tone ensures that readers will thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement/controlling idea of the essay. (“Buck was strong enough to survive in the wild without the help of any humans, and is now the alpha of the local wolf pack. He was stronger than any of the wolves, which had been born and raised in the wild... Even though Buck came from the life of a pet! Almost the entire wolf population has his blood now. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with appropriate punctuation marks, a line break is used to separate paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“This week I had the privilege to witness one of the most amazing events in the history of Alaska. I was enjoying a drink at our local saloon when a dog and his owner became gold rush legend. Who are these people? Where did this dog come from? Where are they now? I did a little digging around, and I managed to answer these questions for myself and the general public.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am doing my report on a legendary story told by the yeehats of a great beast bigger than any dog and fircer than any wolf. It lives with a pack of wolfs as the leader and one of the most feared creature of the forest. After talking to the yeehats I learned that the first time they saw the creature they had just attacked a sled dog camp and killed all that were there. The creature came upon them from no where and attacked,they lost many in the battle. I was very interested in this story so I began to find out more about the animal.

I began my search by talking to a mysterious man in a red sweater. He told me that the dog had a name, it was Buck . He said he had been traded from a man in California to be a sled dog. He also informed me that it was his job to brake Buck."Very firce he was and fought hard against me but soon learned the law of club and fang". "So he used to be a pet" i asked "yes but he learned quickly about our ways.

I learned that Buck was sold with another dog named Curly through certain events had been separated from him. She said that Buck was very kind to her and they had been friends. So maybe Buck also had a soft side. He had an owner named John Thorton who had saved him from a terrible fate who he loved more than anything in the world. I heard from local men that John thornton bet them that if he asked Buck to pull a thousand pounds for him he would. So they harnest Buck to a sled with one thousand pounds worth of cargo on it and on John Thornton's comand he pulled it 100 yards have you ever heard of a dog loving an owner more?

I also know that while Buck was staying with John Thornton there would be a constant sound soming from the woods. That Buck would dissapear for days at a time to go hunting. That he saw a harry man who lived among the animals. So Buck always had that want to be free to be a natural hunter to be a leader among wolvs. When John Thornton died he let that instinct take over.

So in my quest for truth i found a magnificent story. A story of one of the greatest dogs in the world. A dog with heart, courage, will to survive. But not only survive to thrive in what ever environment he was put in.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of pulling a sled and provides adequate details that allow readers to imagine the scenario in their minds. (“He had an owner named John Thorton who had saved him from a terrible fate who he loved more than anything in the world. I heard from local men that John thornton bet them that if he asked Buck to pull a thousand pounds for him he would. So they harnest Buck to a sled with one thousand pounds worth of cargo on it and on John Thornton's comand he pulled it 100 yards have you ever heard of a dog loving an owner more?”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“I began my search by talking to a mysterious man in a red sweater. He told me that the dog had a name, it was Buck . He said he had been traded from a man in California to be a sled dog. He also informed me that it was his job to brake Buck.‘Very firce he was and fought hard against me but soon learned the law of club and fang’. ‘So he used to be a pet’ i asked "yes but he learned quickly about our ways.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I am doing my report on a legendary story told by the yeehats of a great beast bigger than any dog and fircer than any wolf. It lives with a pack of wolfs as the leader and one of the most feared creature of the forest. After talking to the yeehats I learned that the first time they saw the creature they had just attacked a sled dog camp and killed all that were there. The creature came upon them from no where and attacked,they lost many in the battle. I was very interested in this story so I began to find out more about the animal.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“That Buck would dissapear for days at a time to go hunting. That he saw a harry man who lived among the animals. So Buck always had that want to be free to be a natural hunter to be a leader among wolvs. When John Thornton died he let that instinct take over.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“He also informed me that it was his job to brake Buck.‘Very firce he was and fought hard against me but soon learned the law of club and fang’.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“I am doing my report on a legendary story told by the yeehats of a great beast bigger than any dog and fircer than any wolf. It lives with a pack of wolfs as the leader and one of the most feared creature of the forest. After talking to the yeehats I learned that the first time they saw the creature they had just attacked a sled dog camp and killed all that were there.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is noticeable use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“I am doing my report on a legendary story told by the yeehats of a great beast bigger than any dog and fircer than any wolf. It lives with a pack of wolfs as the leader and one of the most feared creature of the forest. After talking to the yeehats I learned that the first time they saw the creature they had just attacked a sled dog camp and killed all that were there. The creature came upon them from no where and attacked,they lost many in the battle. I was very interested in this story so I began to find out more about the animal. ”)

Although the conclusion could be more descriptive, it is adequately written. (“So in my quest for truth i found a magnificent story. A story of one of the greatest dogs in the world. A dog with heart, courage, will to survive. But not only survive to thrive in what ever environment he was put in. ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“So maybe Buck also had a soft side. He had an owner named John Thorton who had saved him from a terrible fate who he loved more than anything in the world. I heard from local men that John thornton bet them that if he asked Buck to pull a thousand pounds for him he would. So they harnest Buck to a sled with one thousand pounds worth of cargo on it and on John Thornton's comand he pulled it 100 yards have you ever heard of a dog loving an owner more? ”)

The writer maintains an adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of a reporter. (“I also know that while Buck was staying with John Thornton there would be a constant sound soming from the woods. That Buck would dissapear for days at a time to go hunting. That he saw a harry man who lived among the animals. So Buck always had that want to be free to be a natural hunter to be a leader among wolvs. When John Thornton died he let that instinct take over. ”)

The writer's word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“So in my quest for truth i found a magnificent story. A story of one of the greatest dogs in the world. A dog with heart, courage, will to survive. But not only survive to thrive in what ever environment he was put in. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence has an appropriate punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate paragraphs, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and many of the words are spelled correctly. (“I began my search by talking to a mysterious man in a red sweater. He told me that the dog had a name, it was Buck . He said he had been traded from a man in California to be a sled dog. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Buck

Buck was a big furry, playful dog that is half Saint Bernard and half German Shepard. He is a great guard dog and a great sled dog to have on a team. These are the kind of dogs that are the heroes of the pack.

Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars. One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love. They were the tightest pair until one day a pack of Indians shot john Thornton and killed him. Buck was steaming and started to attack any man in sight. Even though buck did not defeat all of the Indians he still made it out alive because the rest of them ran away.

Buck was one of the greatest dogs and guards of all time. Even though that dog came from a rich background when it came down to it he dug down and found his inner dog. And now he runs at the head of the pack as a legend listening to the call of the wild

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay has a limited central/controlling idea. (“Buck was a big furry, playful dog that is half Saint Bernard and half German Shepard. He is a great guard dog and a great sled dog to have on a team. These are the kind of dogs that are the heroes of the pack.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the life of Buck, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, a lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“They were the tightest pair until one day a pack of Indians shot john Thornton and killed him. Buck was steaming and started to attack any man in sight. Even though buck did not defeat all of the Indians he still made it out alive because the rest of them ran away.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Buck was one of the greatest dogs and guards of all time. Even though that dog came from a rich background when it came down to it he dug down and found his inner dog. And now he runs at the head of the pack as a legend listening to the call of the wild”)

The essay has limited details that illustrate the main ideas. (“Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars. One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars. One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love. They were the tightest pair until one day a pack of Indians shot john Thornton and killed him. Buck was steaming and started to attack any man in sight. Even though buck did not defeat all of the Indians he still made it out alive because the rest of them ran away.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the response. The essay demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Buck was a big furry, playful dog that is half Saint Bernard and half German Shepard. He is a great guard dog and a great sled dog to have on a team. These are the kind of dogs that are the heroes of the pack.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed . (“Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars. One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love. They were the tightest pair until one day a pack of Indians shot john Thornton and killed him. Buck was steaming and started to attack any man in sight. Even though buck did not defeat all of the Indians he still made it out alive because the rest of them ran away.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“Buck was one of the greatest dogs and guards of all time. Even though that dog came from a rich background when it came down to it he dug down and found his inner dog. And now he runs at the head of the pack as a legend listening to the call of the wild”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences are short. (“One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love.”)

The writer does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the life of Buck. (“Buck came from a big house in Santa Clara. He was the judge s dog and the granddaughters play animal. At night he would guard the house while everyone was sleep from burglars. One night he was stolen and was given to john Thornton. John Thornton was a good man that took care of his pets. And buck was his number one pet to have and love. They were the tightest pair until one day a pack of Indians shot john Thornton and killed him. Buck was steaming and started to attack any man in sight. Even though buck did not defeat all of the Indians he still made it out alive because the rest of them ran away.”)

There is weak sentence structure throughout the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated words. (“Buck was one of the greatest dogs and guards of all time. Even though that dog came from a rich background when it came down to it he dug down and found his inner dog. And now he runs at the head of the pack as a legend listening to the call of the wild ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence has an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is separated with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Buck was one of the greatest dogs and guards of all time. Even though that dog came from a rich background when it came down to it he dug down and found his inner dog. And now he runs at the head of the pack as a legend listening to the call of the wild”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

THE BIG DOG CALLED BUCK

This heroic dog was just an ordinary dog who lived in a big house he got kidnaped his owner Judge Miller reacted like this " Well Buck was a good dog who lived with me he used to give my little children back rides." said judge Miller.

Buy the time he got kidnaped he was all ready on a trian heading to Canada he was abused buy a guy that brought him. the guy responded like this " well i had to beat him for he can learned his place you know." said Anthony Freeman.

then Buck got a new owner named John Thornton He saves Buck from there last owners which there names was charles and his family. this is what John had to say " Well when i first saw Buck he was mighty big but i knew i had to love him." John said. heres another words that John said " I remeberd this one time that buck won us a couple of dollars i was so happy i was cursing at him but in a nice way". John Thorton said

soo thats the story about the dog who is heroic and brave

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in this essay. A central/controlling idea is minimally suggested, and the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer briefly mentions the life of Buck. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“This heroic dog was just an ordinary dog who lived in a big house he got kidnaped his owner Judge Miller reacted like this ‘ Well Buck was a good dog who lived with me he used to give my little children back rides.’ said judge Miller.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details that make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas about the life of Buck. (“Buy the time he got kidnaped he was all ready on a trian heading to Canada he was abused buy a guy that brought him. the guy responded like this ‘ well i had to beat him for he can learned his place you know.’ said Anthony Freeman.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution of the event. (“then Buck got a new owner named John Thornton He saves Buck from there last owners which there names was charles and his family. this is what John had to say ‘ Well when i first saw Buck he was mighty big but i knew i had to love him.’ John said. heres another words that John said ‘ I remeberd this one time that buck won us a couple of dollars i was so happy i was cursing at him but in a nice way’. John Thorton said ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer attempts to address the life of Buck, but falls short on delivering enough content to help readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“Buy the time he got kidnaped he was all ready on a trian heading to Canada he was abused buy a guy that brought him. the guy responded like this ‘ well i had to beat him for he can learned his place you know.’ said Anthony Freeman.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“then Buck got a new owner named John Thornton He saves Buck from there last owners which there names was charles and his family. this is what John had to say ‘ Well when i first saw Buck he was mighty big but i knew i had to love him.’ John said. heres another words that John said ‘ I remeberd this one time that buck won us a couple of dollars i was so happy i was cursing at him but in a nice way’. John Thorton said”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer's thesis statement. (“This heroic dog was just an ordinary dog who lived in a big house he got kidnaped his owner Judge Miller reacted like this ‘ Well Buck was a good dog who lived with me he used to give my little children back rides.’ said judge Miller.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. The essay demonstrates minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“This heroic dog was just an ordinary dog who lived in a big house he got kidnaped his owner Judge Miller reacted like this ‘ Well Buck was a good dog who lived with me he used to give my little children back rides.’ said judge Miller.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the essay. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“then Buck got a new owner named John Thornton He saves Buck from there last owners which there names was charles and his family. this is what John had to say ‘ Well when i first saw Buck he was mighty big but i knew i had to love him.’ John said. heres another words that John said ‘ I remeberd this one time that buck won us a couple of dollars i was so happy i was cursing at him but in a nice way’. John Thorton said”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“soo thats the story about the dog who is heroic and brave”)

Language Use & Style

The writer's use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and a tendency toward making basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“This heroic dog was just an ordinary dog who lived in a big house he got kidnaped his owner Judge Miller reacted like this ‘ Well Buck was a good dog who lived with me he used to give my little children back rides.’ ”)

The essay includes repetitive sections. (“then Buck got a new owner named John Thornton He saves Buck from there last owners which there names was charles and his family. this is what John had to say ‘ Well when i first saw Buck he was mighty big but i knew i had to love him.’ John said. heres another words that John said ‘ I remeberd this one time that buck won us a couple of dollars i was so happy i was cursing at him but in a nice way’. John Thorton said ”)

The essay lacks transitions. (“Buy the time he got kidnaped he was all ready on a trian heading to Canada he was abused buy a guy that brought him. the guy responded like this ‘ well i had to beat him for he can learned his place you know.’ said Anthony Freeman. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence has an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is separated with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Buy the time he got kidnaped he was all ready on a trian heading to Canada he was abused buy a guy that brought him. the guy responded like this ‘ well i had to beat him for he can learned his place you know.’ said Anthony Freeman.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections between the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea.

The essay does not have a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused and the ideas are unorganized. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night.”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night.”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer attempts to address the life of Buck, but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. ”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night. ”)

There are inadequate or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska. ”)

Some of the sentences combine thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This produces a confused, almost rushed, response to the writing task. (“But Buck adapted to the harsh conditions very quickly learning how to pull a sled and how to dig a whole to sleep in at night. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“After this he was sold to an actual dog sledding team which he was lucky to survive given that he was from down in the South. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence has an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is separated with a line break, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each word is spelled correctly. (“Buck who is notaries for this one thousand pound single sled pull started out a dog from the Santa Clara Valley was sold by his gardener to a man who broke dogs for dog sledding teams in Alaska.”)

The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“The Cremation of Sam McGee” by Robert Service

After reading the poem "The Cremation of Sam McGee" by Robert Service, write an essay in which you analyze the author's message. Be sure to include details from the poem to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Robert Townsend, a famous author, once said, "The world is divided into two classes of people: the few people who make good on their promises, and the many who don't." The character of Cap, in the poem, "The Cremation of Sam McGee" is one of the few who does make good on his promise. In this narrative poem, the author Robert Service, tells a "tall tale" about one man's attempt to get warm in the Arctic , and another man's commitment in keeping a promise to his dead friend. Cap, who is the speaker in the poem, recounts a story about his pal, Sam McGee. A prospector like himself, Sam despised cold weather and longed for the warmth of his hometown in Tennessee . One Christmas night while the pair was out "mushing" on the bitterly cold Dawson Trail in the Far North, Sam finally looses his battle to "old man winter," and freezes to death. Prior to his demise, he makes an unusual request of his partner, Cap, that his body be cremated instead of being entombed in an "icy grave." Cap reluctantly agrees and has to overcome the challenges of lugging a frozen corpse across the Arctic trail in search of a crematorium to fulfill Sam's dying wish. Remarkably, after a grueling journey, he stumbles upon an abandoned ship, the " Alice May" and uses it to burn his friend's remains. However, the unexpected twist in the end throws the reader as well as the narrator off guard, when he checks on the burning corpse and finds Sam alive and well. In this poem of adventure, the author expresses the message of perseverance, and the need to show courage no matter how hard it is to fulfill a promise. The poet conveys this message through the actions and traits of the speaker, Cap. In the poem, Cap shows courage in his determination to follow through with a vow he made to a dying man in spite of the challenges he encounters in "the land of death."

Throughout the poem, the speaker, Cap displays his unwavering resolve in carrying out his promise with courage, despite the adversity of hauling a corpse across the bitter Arctic north. Robert Service writes, "A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail." He goes on to write, "There wasn't a breath in that land of death and I hurried horror-driven, with a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid because of a promise given. It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: You may tax your brawn and brains, But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains. Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code." These quotes from the poem clearly describe that the narrator, Cap, had true grit. Even though, the narrator was terrified and faced with many uncertainties, he was driven by his sense of loyalty. Unlike his dead friend, Sam who gave up on his will to live, the speaker was not about to give up on his mission because of the vow that he had made. Consequently, we see the tenacity and valor displayed by Cap on his treacherous journey in search of a crematorium to incinerate the frozen remains of his friend, Sam McGee. It was not only a matter of his honor, but it was also the right thing to do. He had no choice but to adhere to the "stern code" of the trail and uphold to the pledge he made.

Once again, Robert Service shows Cap's unflagging commitment, and bravery, when he holds strong to his promise by not giving up. In the text, he writes, "O. God! How I loathed the thing. And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy, and heavier grow; And on I went, though the dogs were spent, and the grub was getting low. The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in." Through the speaker's words we see that the poor man not only feels the physical burden of the corpse, but is also tormented by the mental anguish to deliver on a promise that he made. Yet, the last thing he wants to do is give up. Cap doesn't let his abhorrence of the frozen carcass weigh him down and keeps plodding on. He manages to keeps himself sane by focusing on his goal, despite the physical exhaustion and running low on food. Although, the narrator is struggling to keep himself motivated by his daunting task, he shows dedication and courage when he keeps pushing on to fulfill a wish despite the odds.

In the end, Robert Service shows that the intrepid speaker's perseverance pays off when he survives the harsh trail by not giving in to his fears and succeeds in his quest. In stanza 13, the poet writes, "I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear. But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near. I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: "I'll just take a peek inside. I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked." It is evident here that the speaker is taken over by his terror. However, he brushes aside his fears, remains persistent and succeeds in following through with his grim undertaking. Cap struggles with the process of burning his friend. He is "sick with dread" but is determined not to be a coward. It is nightfall before the he can muster up enough courage to enter the burning ship to check if his friend is "cooked" yet. Accordingly, the poet shows that, in spite of the speaker's trials and tribulations, his courage helps him to survive the ordeal. He is tenacious and has the will to keep pressing on to live up to his word.

In conclusion, the reader of "The Cremation of Sam McGee" understands that you should not take promises lightly. A man’s promise is his honor, and no matter what obstacles you face you must overcome them to follow through with any promise that you make. Through the actions of the speaker in his poem, Robert Service reminds us that making a promise requires not only commitment, but the determination to see it through no matter what! Cap shows that perseverance is an invaluable asset when he treks across the cold Tundra with the body of a dead comrade because of a vow he made to his dying friend. So, whenever you have to wrestle with the daunting task of keeping a promise, remember to confront your fears. Display courage and do whatever it takes to follow through with your undertaking. "If there is a will, there is a way." Promises count; learn how to keep them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay conveys very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the narrative poem, “The Cremation of Sam McGee,” and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. (“ Throughout the poem, the speaker, Cap displays his unwavering resolve in carrying out his promise with courage, despite the adversity of hauling a corpse across the bitter Arctic north. Robert Service writes, ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail.’ He goes on to write, ‘There wasn't a breath in that land of death and I hurried horror-driven, with a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid because of a promise given. It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: You may tax your brawn and brains, But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains. Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.’ These quotes from the poem clearly describe that the narrator, Cap, had true grit.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Once again, Robert Service shows Cap's unflagging commitment, and bravery, when he holds strong to his promise by not giving up. In the text, he writes, ‘O. God! How I loathed the thing. And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy, and heavier grow; And on I went, though the dogs were spent, and the grub was getting low. The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in.’ Through the speaker's words we see that the poor man not only feels the physical burden of the corpse, but is also tormented by the mental anguish to deliver on a promise that he made.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about how Cap showed courage and determination in carrying out his friend’s request. (“ In the end, Robert Service shows that the intrepid speaker's perseverance pays off when he survives the harsh trail by not giving in to his fears and succeeds in his quest. In stanza 13, the poet writes, ‘I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear. But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near. I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: I'll just take a peek inside. I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked.’”)

Content & Development

This essay contains very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the text. (“ Once again, Robert Service shows Cap's unflagging commitment, and bravery, when he holds strong to his promise by not giving up. In the text, he writes, ‘O. God! How I loathed the thing. And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy, and heavier grow; And on I went, though the dogs were spent, and the grub was getting low. The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in.’ Through the speaker's words we see that the poor man not only feels the physical burden of the corpse, but is also tormented by the mental anguish to deliver on a promise that he made. Yet, the last thing he wants to do is give up.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ In the end, Robert Service shows that the intrepid speaker's perseverance pays off when he survives the harsh trail by not giving in to his fears and succeeds in his quest. In stanza 13, the poet writes, ‘I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear. But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near. I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: I'll just take a peek inside. I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked.’ It is evident here that the speaker is taken over by his terror. However, he brushes aside his fears, remains persistent and succeeds in following through with his grim undertaking.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“ Throughout the poem, the speaker, Cap displays his unwavering resolve in carrying out his promise with courage, despite the adversity of hauling a corpse across the bitter Arctic north. Robert Service writes, ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail.’ He goes on to write, ‘There wasn't a breath in that land of death and I hurried horror-driven, with a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid because of a promise given. It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: You may tax your brawn and brains, But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains. Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.’ These quotes from the poem clearly describe that the narrator, Cap, had true grit. Even though, the narrator was terrified and faced with many uncertainties, he was driven by his sense of loyalty.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown in this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Robert Townsend, a famous author, once said, ‘The world is divided into two classes of people: the few people who make good on their promises, and the many who don't.’ The character of Cap, in the poem, ‘The Cremation of Sam McGee’ is one of the few who does make good on his promise. In this narrative poem, the author Robert Service, tells a ‘tall tale’ about one man's attempt to get warm in the Arctic , and another man's commitment in keeping a promise to his dead friend. Cap, who is the speaker in the poem, recounts a story about his pal, Sam McGee.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Throughout the poem, the speaker, Cap displays his unwavering resolve in carrying out his promise with courage, despite the adversity of hauling a corpse across the bitter Arctic north. …Once again, Robert Service shows Cap's unflagging commitment, and bravery, when he holds strong to his promise by not giving up. …In the end, Robert Service shows that the intrepid speaker's perseverance pays off when he survives the harsh trail by not giving in to his fears and succeeds in his quest.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ In conclusion, the reader of ‘The Cremation of Sam McGee’ understands that you should not take promises lightly. A man’s promise is his honor, and no matter what obstacles you face you must overcome them to follow through with any promise that you make. Through the actions of the speaker in his poem, Robert Service reminds us that making a promise requires not only commitment, but the determination to see it through no matter what! Cap shows that perseverance is an invaluable asset when he treks across the cold Tundra with the body of a dead comrade because of a vow he made to his dying friend. So, whenever you have to wrestle with the daunting task of keeping a promise, remember to confront your fears. Display courage and do whatever it takes to follow through with your undertaking. ‘If there is a will, there is a way.’ Promises count; learn how to keep them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is very effective. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ In the end, Robert Service shows that the intrepid speaker's perseverance pays off when he survives the harsh trail by not giving in to his fears and succeeds in his quest. In stanza 13, the poet writes, ‘I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear. But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near.’ …In conclusion, the reader of ‘The Cremation of Sam McGee’ understands that you should not take promises lightly. A man’s promise is his honor, and no matter what obstacles you face you must overcome them to follow through with any promise that you make. Through the actions of the speaker in his poem, Robert Service reminds us that making a promise requires not only commitment, but the determination to see it through no matter what!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Throughout the poem, the speaker, Cap displays his unwavering resolve in carrying out his promise with courage, despite the adversity of hauling a corpse across the bitter Arctic north. Robert Service writes, ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail.’ He goes on to write, ‘There wasn't a breath in that land of death and I hurried horror-driven, with a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid because of a promise given. It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: You may tax your brawn and brains, But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains. Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.’ These quotes from the poem clearly describe that the narrator, Cap, had true grit. Even though, the narrator was terrified and faced with many uncertainties, he was driven by his sense of loyalty. Unlike his dead friend, Sam who gave up on his will to live, the speaker was not about to give up on his mission because of the vow that he had made. Consequently, we see the tenacity and valor displayed by Cap on his treacherous journey in search of a crematorium to incinerate the frozen remains of his friend, Sam McGee. It was not only a matter of his honor, but it was also the right thing to do. He had no choice but to adhere to the ‘stern code’ of the trail and uphold to the pledge he made. …Once again, Robert Service shows Cap's unflagging commitment, and bravery, when he holds strong to his promise by not giving up. In the text, he writes, ‘O. God! How I loathed the thing. And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy, and heavier grow; And on I went, though the dogs were spent, and the grub was getting low. The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in.’ Through the speaker's words we see that the poor man not only feels the physical burden of the corpse, but is also tormented by the mental anguish to deliver on a promise that he made. Yet, the last thing he wants to do is give up. Cap doesn't let his abhorrence of the frozen carcass weigh him down and keeps plodding on. He manages to keeps himself sane by focusing on his goal, despite the physical exhaustion and running low on food. Although, the narrator is struggling to keep himself motivated by his daunting task, he shows dedication and courage when he keeps pushing on to fulfill a wish despite the odds.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ He manages to keeps himself sane by focusing on his goal, despite the physical exhaustion and running low on food.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ It is evident here that the speaker is taken over by his terror. However, he brushes aside his fears, remains persistent and succeeds in following through with his grim undertaking.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Would you keep a promise to a friend although the promise might be insane? In the story, The Cremation of Sam McGee, the author Robert Service tells a tale of true friendship and promise. First, a man named Sam McGee from Tennessee , traveled to the poles with a friend named Cap. One night when Sam was feeling sick his companion, Cap, made a promise to him that he would cremate his last remains when he died. Eventually, Sam fell ill and passed away. His beloved friend Cap rode his sled all the way to Lake Labarge where he cremated Sam's last remains in the " Alice May," an old abandon shipwreck. Finally, Sam's friend could bear it no longer and looked into the crematorium, where he found his companion. The author conveys that a promise should always be kept even when you yourself may be in danger. He shows this when he says, "Sam looking calm and cool in the heart of the furnace roar." The author expresses that friendship and trustworthiness can lead to great things.

Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. Before Sam died he asked Cap to make a promise, "I'll cash in this trip I'll guess; And if I do, I am asking you won't refuse my last request. So I want you to swear that, foul or far, you'll cremate my last remains ... So I swore I would not fail." This quote ties into the theme because Sam's companion, Cap, did not refuse and promised his friend that he would cremate McGee's body after his death. Even in a time when danger and death are creeping up on you, if you have made a promise you should always be true and follow through with the promise.

As Sam McGee passed away his companion followed through with his promise to cremate the last remains of Sam McGee. "On I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low; the trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in." This quote from the story ties into the theme because Sam McGee's companion, Cap never gave up on him. A promise should always be kept it. Although food was running low along with confidence, Cap never gave up and kept his promise to cremate his friend Sam McGee.

Although Cap had hardships on his journey, he finally came to his destination or crematorium at Lake Labarge on the " Alice May." "I was sick with dread but I bravely said, 'I'll just take a peek inside.' Then the door I opened wide and there sat Sam, looking calm and cool ... and he said, 'Please close the door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm." This brings us back to the theme because after all the dangers Cap went through, he finally cremated Sam and when he opened the door Sam McGee talked to him. The dread and sadness lifted from Cap, which shows the good "Karma" Cap had received for following through with his promise.

In conclusion, the reader understands that one should always keep a promise to a friend in need and to pursue whatever it is to keep the promise. Through the actions of Robert Sevice's characters, he reminds us that you should always stay true to a promise. Cap found out that if you do stay true to your promise, then good things will happen to you, "Karma." For a friend, I would always be there for them and keep promises I make, even if the promises are insane.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ Although Cap had hardships on his journey, he finally came to his destination or crematorium at Lake Labarge on the ‘ Alice May.’ ‘I was sick with dread but I bravely said, 'I'll just take a peek inside.' Then the door I opened wide and there sat Sam, looking calm and cool ... and he said, 'Please close the door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm.’ This brings us back to the theme because after all the dangers Cap went through, he finally cremated Sam and when he opened the door Sam McGee talked to him. The dread and sadness lifted from Cap, which shows the good "Karma" Cap had received for following through with his promise.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ As Sam McGee passed away his companion followed through with his promise to cremate the last remains of Sam McGee. ‘On I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low; the trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in.’ This quote from the story ties into the theme because Sam McGee's companion, Cap never gave up on him. A promise should always be kept it. Although food was running low along with confidence, Cap never gave up and kept his promise to cremate his friend Sam McGee.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the poem’s message that “ friendship and trustworthiness can lead to great things.” (“Although Cap had hardships on his journey, he finally came to his destination or crematorium at Lake Labarge on the ‘ Alice May.’ ‘I was sick with dread but I bravely said, 'I'll just take a peek inside.' Then the door I opened wide and there sat Sam, looking calm and cool ... and he said, 'Please close the door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm.’ This brings us back to the theme because after all the dangers Cap went through, he finally cremated Sam and when he opened the door Sam McGee talked to him. The dread and sadness lifted from Cap, which shows the good ‘Karma’ Cap had received for following through with his promise.”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the text. (“Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. Before Sam died he asked Cap to make a promise, ‘I'll cash in this trip I'll guess; And if I do, I am asking you won't refuse my last request. So I want you to swear that, foul or far, you'll cremate my last remains ... So I swore I would not fail.’ This quote ties into the theme because Sam's companion, Cap, did not refuse and promised his friend that he would cremate McGee's body after his death. Even in a time when danger and death are creeping up on you, if you have made a promise you should always be true and follow through with the promise.”)

The essay includes good, specific details from the text that relate to the main character. (“Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. Before Sam died he asked Cap to make a promise, ‘I'll cash in this trip I'll guess; And if I do, I am asking you won't refuse my last request. So I want you to swear that, foul or far, you'll cremate my last remains ... So I swore I would not fail.’ This quote ties into the theme because Sam's companion, Cap, did not refuse and promised his friend that he would cremate McGee's body after his death. Even in a time when danger and death are creeping up on you, if you have made a promise you should always be true and follow through with the promise.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. Before Sam died he asked Cap to make a promise, ‘I'll cash in this trip I'll guess; And if I do, I am asking you won't refuse my last request. So I want you to swear that, foul or far, you'll cremate my last remains ... So I swore I would not fail.’ This quote ties into the theme because Sam's companion, Cap, did not refuse and promised his friend that he would cremate McGee's body after his death. Even in a time when danger and death are creeping up on you, if you have made a promise you should always be true and follow through with the promise.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Would you keep a promise to a friend although the promise might be insane? In the story, The Cremation of Sam McGee, the author Robert Service tells a tale of true friendship and promise. First, a man named Sam McGee from Tennessee , traveled to the poles with a friend named Cap. One night when Sam was feeling sick his companion, Cap, made a promise to him that he would cremate his last remains when he died. Eventually, Sam fell ill and passed away. His beloved friend Cap rode his sled all the way to Lake Labarge where he cremated Sam's last remains in the ‘ Alice May,’ an old abandon shipwreck. Finally, Sam's friend could bear it no longer and looked into the crematorium, where he found his companion. The author conveys that a promise should always be kept even when you yourself may be in danger. He shows this when he says, ‘Sam looking calm and cool in the heart of the furnace roar.’ The author expresses that friendship and trustworthiness can lead to great things.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. …As Sam McGee passed away his companion followed through with his promise to cremate the last remains of Sam McGee. …Although Cap had hardships on his journey, he finally came to his destination or crematorium at Lake Labarge on the ‘ Alice May.’”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ In conclusion, the reader understands that one should always keep a promise to a friend in need and to pursue whatever it is to keep the promise. Through the actions of Robert Sevice's characters, he reminds us that you should always stay true to a promise. Cap found out that if you do stay true to your promise, then good things will happen to you, ‘Karma.’ For a friend, I would always be there for them and keep promises I make, even if the promises are insane.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows good use of language and style in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are seen as well.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ In conclusion, the reader understands that one should always keep a promise to a friend in need and to pursue whatever it is to keep the promise. Through the actions of Robert Sevice's characters, he reminds us that you should always stay true to a promise. Cap found out that if you do stay true to your promise, then good things will happen to you, ‘Karma.’ For a friend, I would always be there for them and keep promises I make, even if the promises are insane.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ As Sam McGee passed away his companion followed through with his promise to cremate the last remains of Sam McGee. ‘On I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low; the trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in.’ This quote from the story ties into the theme because Sam McGee's companion, Cap never gave up on him. A promise should always be kept it. Although food was running low along with confidence, Cap never gave up and kept his promise to cremate his friend Sam McGee. …Although Cap had hardships on his journey, he finally came to his destination or crematorium at Lake Labarge on the ‘ Alice May.’ ‘I was sick with dread but I bravely said, 'I'll just take a peek inside.' Then the door I opened wide and there sat Sam, looking calm and cool ... and he said, 'Please close the door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm.’ This brings us back to the theme because after all the dangers Cap went through, he finally cremated Sam and when he opened the door Sam McGee talked to him. The dread and sadness lifted from Cap, which shows the good ‘Karma’ Cap had received for following through with his promise.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Although food was running low along with confidence, Cap never gave up and kept his promise to cremate his friend Sam McGee.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Even though Sam McGee was happy to have traveled to the poles with Cap, there were hardships there that cost him his life. Before Sam died he asked Cap to make a promise, ‘I'll cash in this trip I'll guess; And if I do, I am asking you won't refuse my last request. So I want you to swear that, foul or far, you'll cremate my last remains ... So I swore I would not fail.’ This quote ties into the theme because Sam's companion, Cap, did not refuse and promised his friend that he would cremate McGee's body after his death.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Cremation of Sam McGee" is a narrative poem by Robert Service. The poem is about two men, Cap and Sam McGee, who are prospecting for gold up in the Yukon . Throughout the times in the Yukon , Cap and Sam become friends and Sam had a last request. He says that when he dies, will Cap cremate him. It's difficult in the Yukon , harder with a load to carry. This is a promise Cap cannot break. Therefore, the main message the poem is trying to express is the importance of keeping promises.

Sam was a man from Tennessee that somehow ended up prospecting up in the Yukon . After traveling the trails with Cap, they became good friends. Sam trusted Cap enough to tell him his last request. He said," I'll cash in this trip, I guess; And if I do, I'm asking you don't refuse my last request "Of course Cap agreed that he would obey Sam's request. That night Sam died, froze to death. Then Cap set on the tedious journey to cremate Sam McGee.

Cap had promised Sam this last request, but it's hard enough in the Yukon as it is. Sam's corpse was basicly dead weight. Everyday the dogs had less and less food and the weight was starting to slow them down. Was Sam being a good friend putting all this stress on his friend, Cap? What if Cap just stopped and laid him down? Finally, he reached Lake Lebarge and said," This is my cre-ma-tor-eum."

Cap went over to the Alice May, a ship sitting in the ice. Cap started ripping up floor boards for the fire. He found some extra coals and started the fire. Sam was lain down in the fire and the door shut. After a while Cap went to sneak a peek and it was if Sam was smiling. He said," Please close that door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear/ you'll let in the storm- Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennesse/ it's the first time I've ever been warm."

This historical fiction poem was about friendship and keeping your word. Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are adequate. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“This historical fiction poem was about friendship and keeping your word. Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.”)

The writer includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Sam was a man from Tennessee that somehow ended up prospecting up in the Yukon . After traveling the trails with Cap, they became good friends. Sam trusted Cap enough to tell him his last request. He said, ‘I'll cash in this trip, I guess; And if I do, I'm asking you don't refuse my last request’ Of course Cap agreed that he would obey Sam's request. That night Sam died, froze to death. Then Cap set on the tedious journey to cremate Sam McGee.”)

The intended audience is adequately understood. (“This historical fiction poem was about friendship and keeping your word. Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay appear adequate. Ideas are developed adequately, with some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the text. (“Cap had promised Sam this last request, but it's hard enough in the Yukon as it is. Sam's corpse was basicly dead weight. Everyday the dogs had less and less food and the weight was starting to slow them down. Was Sam being a good friend putting all this stress on his friend, Cap? What if Cap just stopped and laid him down? Finally, he reached Lake Lebarge and said, ‘This is my cre-ma-tor-eum.’”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Cap went over to the Alice May, a ship sitting in the ice. Cap started ripping up floor boards for the fire. He found some extra coals and started the fire. Sam was lain down in the fire and the door shut. After a while Cap went to sneak a peek and it was if Sam was smiling. He said, ‘Please close that door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear/ you'll let in the storm- Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennesse/ it's the first time I've ever been warm.’”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, or brief narratives or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Cap went over to the Alice May, a ship sitting in the ice. Cap started ripping up floor boards for the fire. He found some extra coals and started the fire. Sam was lain down in the fire and the door shut. After a while Cap went to sneak a peek and it was if Sam was smiling. He said, ‘Please close that door. It's fine in here, but I greatly fear/ you'll let in the storm- Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennesse/ it's the first time I've ever been warm.’”)

Organization

The essay shows evidence of adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ ‘The Cremation of Sam McGee’ is a narrative poem by Robert Service. The poem is about two men, Cap and Sam McGee, who are prospecting for gold up in the Yukon . Throughout the times in the Yukon , Cap and Sam become friends and Sam had a last request. He says that when he dies, will Cap cremate him. It's difficult in the Yukon , harder with a load to carry. This is a promise Cap cannot break. Therefore, the main message the poem is trying to express is the importance of keeping promises.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ This historical fiction poem was about friendship and keeping your word. Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ This historical fiction poem was about friendship and keeping your word. Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer conveys adequate use of language and style in his/her essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Throughout the times in the Yukon , Cap and Sam become friends and Sam had a last request. He says that when he dies, will Cap cremate him. It's difficult in the Yukon , harder with a load to carry. This is a promise Cap cannot break.”)

Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ Throughout the times in the Yukon , Cap and Sam become friends and Sam had a last request. He says that when he dies, will Cap cremate him. It's difficult in the Yukon , harder with a load to carry. This is a promise Cap cannot break. Therefore, the main message the poem is trying to express is the importance of keeping promises.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ Cap had promised Sam this last request, but it's hard enough in the Yukon as it is. Sam's corpse was basicly dead weight. Everyday the dogs had less and less food and the weight was starting to slow them down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Readers can detect adequate control of the use of mechanics and conventions in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Despite the circumstances Cap pulled through for his friend, Sam, and gave him his last request. In life you have to keep a lot of promises, some of them important, some not. You must, like Cap, keep your word despite the hardship and possible consequences. Otherwise how can anyone ever trust you or want to be friends with you. So be like Cap keep your promise for his request or maybe even his last one.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought, that a friendship was so strong that it made a promise last through all the bad? In the story The Creamation of Sam McGee, by Robert Service, tells us, if you are a good friend you will stay loyal to the end. When two best friends, named Sam and Cap, go out to find some gold, eventually Cap makes a promise to cremate his best friend when he passes away. Finally after practically starving to death, and blizzards he finally reaches the Alice May to cremate Sam McGee. I think its amazing how cap can keep such a hard promise. Cap made one big, and hard promise, went through everything to keep it, and also completed it.

First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, "Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no". And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances "A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail". And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.

Next, was Cap's determination to keep the promise. Cap knew that he should't dipose of his partner, because of the promise he needed to keep. "With a corpse half his that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given". Sam's trusty buddy was doing his best to pay his dept to him, dispite everything he went through."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are quite limited in the essay. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, ‘Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no’. And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

The essay illustrates a limited understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, ‘Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no’. And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“Have you ever thought, that a friendship was so strong that it made a promise last through all the bad? In the story The Creamation of Sam McGee, by Robert Service, tells us, if you are a good friend you will stay loyal to the end. When two best friends, named Sam and Cap, go out to find some gold, eventually Cap makes a promise to cremate his best friend when he passes away. Finally after practically starving to death, and blizzards he finally reaches the Alice May to cremate Sam McGee. I think its amazing how cap can keep such a hard promise. Cap made one big, and hard promise, went through everything to keep it, and also completed it.”)

Content & Development

Content within this essay is developed in a limited manner. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently and uses little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, ‘Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no’. And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, ‘Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no’. And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep. He even said it himself, ‘Well, he seemed so low I couldn't say no’. And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion but lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever thought, that a friendship was so strong that it made a promise last through all the bad? In the story The Creamation of Sam McGee, by Robert Service, tells us, if you are a good friend you will stay loyal to the end. When two best friends, named Sam and Cap, go out to find some gold, eventually Cap makes a promise to cremate his best friend when he passes away. Finally after practically starving to death, and blizzards he finally reaches the Alice May to cremate Sam McGee. I think its amazing how cap can keep such a hard promise. Cap made one big, and hard promise, went through everything to keep it, and also completed it.”)

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ Have you ever thought, that a friendship was so strong that it made a promise last through all the bad? In the story The Creamation of Sam McGee, by Robert Service, tells us, if you are a good friend you will stay loyal to the end. When two best friends, named Sam and Cap, go out to find some gold, eventually Cap makes a promise to cremate his best friend when he passes away. Finally after practically starving to death, and blizzards he finally reaches the Alice May to cremate Sam McGee. I think its amazing how cap can keep such a hard promise. Cap made one big, and hard promise, went through everything to keep it, and also completed it.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. …Next, was Cap's determination to keep the promise.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style appears limited. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ First of all, Cap had made a huge promise.”)

There is repetition. (“ And the promise was that he had to cremate his friend, Sam McGee. Cap made a serious oath to keep this promise under any circumstances ‘A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail’. And when Sam died, not too long after his death, Cap was determined to cremate his best friend, Sam McGee.”)

The style is not formal. (“ First of all, Cap had made a huge promise. Since his companion, Sam McGee, wasn't the happiest man around, he couldn't say no to him for his final request before he took the big sleep.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits limited control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, some sentences do not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Next, was Cap's determination to keep the promise. Cap knew that he should't dipose of his partner, because of the promise he needed to keep.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him.

I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question shows evidence of minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him.”)

The writer uses minimal detail that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately and provides minimal references to the text.

This essay includes minimal details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him. …I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him. …I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. The only body paragraph in this essay contains no details to support the main idea.

(“I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is another feature of this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him. …I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other. When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him. He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him. …I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is quite minimal. Poor language and word choice are demonstrated. Furthermore, there is little awareness of audience as well as basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition. (“ He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ He new that sam was always cold which was a problem so he dint want any thing to happen to him so he decided to go with him to the trip to Antartica. Sams friend was a very wise and protective person. He was always there for him as well as sam was always there for him. …I think friend ship should be one of the most important facts in every ones life. Friends are just like family because your always with them just like youre with your family.”)

The style is not formal due to the use of less sophisticated words such as “gonna,” and expressions such as “had your back.” (“ Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. …When sam was gonna go on trip sams friend decided to go along with him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer provides minimal control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences in the essay do not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Have you ever had a best friend who had your back for every thing. In the cramation of Sam Mcgee the aurthor tells a great story about a guy named sam mcgee and a friend of his that were there for each othere when they needed each other.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning presented in this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are clearly inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the text, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

This essay includes inadequate or no details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is evident to readers of this brief essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent when reading the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle.”)

There is repetition, as the adjective “cold” is repeated throughout. (“This is a poem about a very cold man that is a gold miner in the Ukon territory and a friend along with him. The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle. Instead he wants to be warm, because his whole life he was cold.”)

The style is not formal. (“ He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences do not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The cold man want to make sure he gets cremated. He doesen't really want to be barried in the snow cold like a popcicle.”)

The Diary of Anne Frank

Why might Anne have felt this way during her ordeal? What does this reveal about her character and her views about life? In a well-reasoned essay, discuss why you think Anne made this statement. Be sure to include details and examples in your explanation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” This is Anne Frank’s finishing statement in the play The Diary of Anne Frank. How could a young lady of fourteen years think of such an empowering statement? In fact, what was Anne feeling during this time of great ordeal? Only God knows the answer to this question, yet people still try to guess her feeling towards the Holocaust. Did the Holocaust change Anne Frank’s entire outlook on life and the world?

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” How could Anne Frank think of a loving and empowering statement during this time of havoc? Many people have tried to answer this question, but no one has come close to an appropriate answer. In my opinion, Anne Frank might have felt scared as she wrote down her statement. Anne must have felt scared because she was confined to the annex and nothing else until the day of her capture. How is a girl of fourteen able to think of such a loving statement towards the people that put her in this position? If I was Anne Frank, I would never be able to forgive those that made me go into hiding. For some strange reason, Anne thought that she would be able to forgive those who put her here. In conclusion, I believe she was able to write down this statement because she was willing to forgive.

During the time of World War II a havoc spread throughout all of Europe . The Nazis had taken complete power of the government and were now committing genocide. The Nazis had hatred towards the Jews for reasons that might lead back to the crucifixion of Christ. Historians believe that the Germans hated the Jews because they were responsible for the crucifixion of Christ. For this reason and many others, the Germans decided to kill off all of the Jews in concentration and extermination camps. Sometimes the Germans would just kill the Jews out on the open streets. For this reason many Jews went into hiding like the Frank family. When the family first went into hiding Anne had no idea what was going on. As time passes by, she realizes that going into hiding was not a game but was a matter of life and death. It was at this time when Anne figured out the true meaning of going into hiding. Going into hiding meant being confined to an area for a long period of time until the danger had passed or until they were discovered. During the time of this ordeal Anne Frank must have felt both scared and brave at the same time because she was able to keep her family going until the very end.

In my opinion, the Holocaust did change Anne Frank’s entire outlook on life. For some reason, all hope was not lost when she went into hiding for almost two years. Anne was one of the only reasons the Frank and Van Daan remained together as a family even through tough times. For example, when Mrs. Frank found out that Mr. Van Daan was stealing food from the family she was outraged. Anne, however, thought differently and was able to change her mother's mind. On some occasions Anne definitely must have felt like a rat trying to hide from an eagle. The Holocaust changed not only Anne’s point of view on life, but it changed the entire world’s outlook on life. Even though Anne felt terrible through these troubled times she still found the strength to go on with her life and live it like nothing ever happened. It is because of this courage that we have what we have in history and know the many details of what it was like to hide from the Nazis during the Holocaust.

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” Even though the Nazis made the Franks and other Jewish families fear for their lives, Anne was able to forgive them even if she did not make it out alive. The Nazis wanted to kill off the Jews because they were responsible for the crucifixion of Christ. When the Franks first went into hiding Anne did not know it was a life and death situation, but she soon would realize the dreaded truth. Though Anne was only locked up in the annex for two years it impacted her life like you would never imagine. The Holocaust basically changed Anne Frank’s entire outlook on life. She made this statement willing to forgive the people that put her in this dreadful situation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has a very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and vivid details relevant to the story. Furthermore, the writer refers to the quote specified in the prompt many times throughout the essay. (“ The Holocaust basically changed Anne Frank's entire outlook on life. She made this statement willing to forgive the people that put her in this dreadful situation. ”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very effective and well developed. A wealth of details regarding Anne Frank’s feelings throughout her family’s ordeal during the Holocaust are provided. Background information relating to the Holocaust is also featured in the essay. (“In my opinion, the Holocaust did change Anne Frank's entire outlook on life. For some reason, all hope was not lost when she went into hiding for almost two years. Anne was one of the only reasons the Frank and Van Daan remained together as a family even through tough times. For example, when Mrs. Frank found out that Mr. Van Daan was stealing food from the family she was outraged.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively with five detailed paragraphs. The author captures the reader’s attention with a clever opening to the essay that asks several rhetorical questions addressed to the reader. The writer effectively uses topic sentences with supporting details and concludes the essay with a tie-in to the original quote. In addition, transitional devices are used effectively, providing a smooth flow throughout the essay. (“In my opinion, the Holocaust did change Anne Frank's entire outlook on life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. There are even some instances of figurative language used, as seen by the simile in the following sentence quoted from the essay: (“ On some occasions Anne definitely must have felt like a rat trying to hide from an eagle. The Holocaust changed not only Anne's point of view on life, but it changed the entire world's outlook on life. Even though Anne felt terrible through these troubled times she still found the strength to go on with her life and live it like nothing ever happened.”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with few er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“Many people have tried to answer this question, but no one has come close to an appropriate answer. In my opinion, Anne Frank might have felt scared as she wrote down her statement.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at the heart,” says Anne Frank. After all the commotion during the holocaust Anne Frank believed that every one has some good in them. Anne Frank was 13 when the Holocaust started. She believed that the world should be full of peace. Her goal during the holocaust was just to make it out alive. Anne felt that every one was good at heart for many reasons.

First, Anne felt that way because she thinks that it will all turn out right, and that this cruelty too will end soon. Also, peace and tranquillity will return again after the Holocaust. Anne believed that the war would end soon and she could carry out her beliefs she had. Ideas she had, Anne thought they would be impossible to achieve but she still wanted to try. For example, one of Anne's school friends brought her food to eat at the concentration camp because she was starving more than her school friend. So that is why Anne still thought that every was good at the heart.

Anne has revealed her character in many ways. She is a nice, brave, young girl who cares about the world. All Anne just wanted was the best for everyone. She was very positive because all she thinks about most of the time is “why can’t people just live peacefully together.” Anne was brave because during the horrible times she still spoke what she thought. That is what I think Anne was like during the Holocaust. Ann thought every one was positive in some way because even some of the German people where trying to help the Jews hide. So she thought that they were being good at the heart to help them do that.

Also Anne revealed her view on life by thinking that everyone is good at the heart. She believes that it is a terrible place and everyone should live in peace. Anne just wanted to get out of the holocaust alive so it can just be normal again. Anne’s view on life was to be very positive but it turns out that it was just the opposite.

The reasons for Anne thinking that every one is still good at the heart where because her school friend gave her food, the German people trying to keep the Jews in hiding, and the Americans trying to help the Jews get out of this horrible time. Anne’s reaction to the Holocaust was very negative but she tried to make it positive. That is what Anne’s reaction was towards the whole Holocaust. What do you think your reaction to the Holocaust would have been?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are good. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The quote specified in the prompt is provided and referred to in the essay, which gives the author’s viewpoint regarding Anne Frank’s feelings toward her terrible ordeal while hiding during the Holocaust. (“ Anne felt that every one was good at heart for many reasons.” )

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are good. Paragraphs are developed nicely with a good amount of detail to support the main ideas. Although content is briefer than what is seen in the previous essay, this essay still answers the prompt sufficiently. (“Anne has revealed her character in many ways. She is a nice, brave, young girl who cares about the world. All Anne just wanted was the best for everyone. She was very positive because all she thinks about most of the time is ‘why can't people just live peacefully together.’ ”)

Organization

This essay is organized well with five paragraphs that include proper opening and concluding paragraphs. The opening of the essay starts off with the specified quote and provides background information about Anne Frank and the story. The essay flows smoothly with effective transitions. (“ First, Anne felt that way because she thinks that it will all turn out right, and that this cruelty too will end soon. Also, peace and tranquillity will return again after the Holocaust ”). The conclusion provides the reader with a sense of completeness and even poses a rhetorical question addressed to the reader. (“ That is what Anne's reaction was towards the whole Holocaust. What do you think your reaction to the Holocaust would have been? ”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice, and a clear sense of audience; sentences are well structured with some variety . (“Also Anne revealed her view on life by thinking that everyone is good at the heart. She believes that it is a terrible place and everyone should live in peace.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ Anne's reaction to the Holocaust was very negative but she tried to make it positive.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The play The Diary of Anne Frank ends with the statement, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” These words were found in an entry in her diary dated July 1944, several months before she perished in a concentration camp. She might have felt like she was going to get caught any ways. Even though she suffered a lot, she did a lot of good deeds. She went through a lot and faced the fact that she was going to die. If she didn't die, then she could of done all the things that she always wanted to do. If the nazis didn't kill all of the Jews, then there would be a lot more people and a lot more Jews. Anne was very helpful to people and would help them if she didn’t know them. That’s how she was a really good person.

This reveals that she was a really good person. She cared for others and she respected other people when they respected her. Her life was good at first, but over the years, it got worst. By that, she went to a concentration camp and after went to a death camp in auchwitc. All she wanted to do was live a good life and not have to go through what all the others had gone through. If life was easy, then she wouldn’t have died and she would have lived for a long time. If they didn’t get caught, then she would be able to tell people what she had gone through and tell them what she felt during that time.

When she wrote in her diary, she had talked about a lot of people. She included her friends and other people that she didn’t know because she thought that they were really good at heart. They might have done something for her or they might have helped her. If they did, then that’s why she wrote about them in her diary. The things that people do right are good at heart. That’s what makes them loyal and well respected. That's all that Anne wanted people to do. If they all did that, then life would be a much better place. She could have made a difference in life if she was alive. Only if she knew that her dad was still alive then she could have tried to survive to be with him.

In conclusion, she respected others and their personalities. She always cared for others and their feelings. She had wanted to publish books and her diary. When she was sent to a concentration camp she couldn't do that. When her dad got out of the camp, he published her diary for her. It was the only thing left of his daughter that he always had of her and would always keep it. Anne’s personalities were good and respectful. If she did something wrong, then she would say that she was sorry or she would never do it again. When they were hiding, it was hard to be with everybody. they always had to share food and it was really crowded just being with each other.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. Relevant details are provided regarding Anne Frank’s feelings toward why she believes “everyone is good at heart.” (“The play The Diary of Anne Frank ends with the statement, ‘In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.’ These words were found in an entry in her diary dated July 1944, several months before she perished in a concentration camp.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. The writer provides a sufficient number of ideas supported adequately with details and examples relating to Anne Frank’s feelings during the Holocaust. (“This reveals that she was a really good person. She cared for others and she respected other people when they respected her. Her life was good at first, but over the years, it got worst.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is just adequate. The opening of the essay focuses on the specified quote from the prompt, and details are provided to support the main idea. The conclusion adequately connects the author’s main points. Furthermore, an adequate use of transitional devices is seen with transitions used occasionally. (“In conclusion, she respected others and their personalities. She always cared for others and their feelings.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, although less sophisticated, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, are apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ When she wrote in her diary, she had talked about a lot of people. She included her friends and other people that she didn't know because she thought that they were really good at heart. They might have done something for her or they might have helped her. If they did, then that's why she wrote about them in her diary.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“Her life was good at first, but over the years, it got worst. By that, she went to a concentration camp and after went to a death camp in auchwitc.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Anne Frank, Anne quickly makes a statemnet to her diary that even though people show that they are mean they are very nice at heart. As this statemen is discovered it can really take a toll on her character and her point of views in her life and what is going on with the war.

This statement shows how she reacts to mean and cruel people. As her character in the play Anne is a very pain in the rear to the roomates in the secret Annex. As they show thir defensive side she reacts to be as if everything is alright with each of the roomates relationships. As her and Mr. Van Dan clash almost everyday with different disputes she sees a side of hiom that can be nice too. SHe forgives him by bringing him a gift that he is just waiting for... Two Cigarettes. As she brings presnent efor everyone for Hannakah her character shows how she is willing to start over and become friends with these people. She tries to be nice and not a pain as she used to be in the beginning of the story.

As the war and teh killing of the Jews Anne still has some respect for thre German army. She still thinks as they killl and torture Jews, they still have a soft side to them and dont really mean to hurt anyone at heart. She thinks/hopes that if everyone gets a second chance the world and they people in it would have a better relationship with everyone. Anne probably also made this statement by trying to be a better person in life and with her family. She has a very distinctive attitude towards her, her family and her friends. She has split personalities within her mom and her dad. As if her and her mom get intoi a fight Anne tries to regain that strength to forgive her mom. As everything is said she has tried her best to keep everyone happy in this battle for survival.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are details that do relate to the focus at hand; however, some details are included that are not relevant to the prompt. (“In the story Anne Frank, Anne quickly makes a statemnet to her diary that even though people show that they are mean they are very nice at heart. As this statemen is discovered it can really take a toll on her character and her point of views in her life and what is going on with the war. ”)

Content & Development

The content and development are limited in this essay. The essay lacks sufficient detail to effectively answer the question addressed in the prompt. Some of the supporting details are weak and do not adequately support the main ideas provided. (“This statement shows how she reacts to mean and cruel people. As her character in the play Anne is a very pain in the rear to the roomates in the secret Annex. As they show thir defensive side she reacts to be as if everything is alright with each of the roomates relationships. ”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this three-paragraph essay. A brief, adequate opening is provided. (“In the story Anne Frank, Anne quickly makes a statemnet to her diary that even though people show that they are mean they are very nice at heart. As this statemen is discovered it can really take a toll on her character and her point of views in her life and what is going on with the war.”). Transitions are few and weak, and it is unclear if the final paragraph acts as a conclusion or is part of the body. (“ As if her and her mom get intoi a fight Anne tries to regain that strength to forgive her mom. As everything is said she has tried her best to keep everyone happy in this battle for survival. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage, unsophisticated word choice, and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. (“As her character in the play Anne is a very pain in the rear to the roomates in the secret Annex. As they show thir defensive side she reacts to be as if everything is alright with each of the roomates relationships. As her and Mr. Van Dan clash almost everyday with different disputes she sees a side of hiom that can be nice too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“ SHe forgives him by bringing him a gift that he is just waiting for... Two Cigarettes. As she brings presnent efor everyone for Hannakah her character shows how she is willing to start over and become friends with these people. She tries to be nice and not a pain as she used to be in the beginning of the story.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The play ‘the diary of Anne Frank rewritten by Frances Goodrich and Albert Hacket, is about young a girl ,13 years old ,who during WW2 is forced into hiding in the annex above an office building beacuseshe was jewish. Prior to and during during WW2,Adolph Hitler,the Nazi leader of Germany ,impresoned,despite all of the hardships,she concludes ‘In spite of everything,I still believe that people are really good at heart.’.This out look might be caused by all of the ways people sacrificed to help.

For example , Miep helps Anne .her family and the others in hiding by bringing them things needed to survive. She would bring them food,news,and also runs errands even though it puts them at risk. In Act 2, ‘Miep comes up the steps followed by Mr.Kraler. They bring flowers,books,newspapers etc.’ Mr.Kraler also helps Anne and the others,he to helps Miep with supplies and other things.The office building that they are in belongs to Mr.Kraler.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s focus and meaning are minimal and somewhat confused. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Although a brief thesis statement is provided and the specified quote is referred to in this essay, the author incorrectly credits Adolf Hitler with stating the quote rather than Anne Frank. (“Prior to and during during WW2,Adolph Hitler,the Nazi leader of Germany ,impresoned,despite all of the hardships,she concludes ‘In spite of everything,I still believe that people are really good at heart.’.This out look might be caused by all of the ways people sacrificed to help.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is developed minimally, as there simply are not enough relevant details provided to support the main ideas. The second paragraph begins well, providing a supporting example; however, not enough content is provided. (“For example , Miep helps Anne .her family and the others in hiding by bringing them things needed to survive. She would bring them food,news,and also runs errands even though it puts them at risk. In Act 2, ‘Miep comes up the steps followed by Mr.Kraler. They bring flowers,books,newspapers etc.’ Mr.Kraler also helps Anne and the others,he to helps Miep with supplies and other things.The office building that they are in belongs to Mr.Kraler.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization, as it only consists of two paragraphs. An introductory paragraph is provided that does restate the specified quote from the prompt and gives a basic thesis statement; however, the remainder of the essay only consists of one body paragraph and no conclusion. Lastly, transitional devices are few and far between. (“The play 'the diary of Anne Frank rewritten by Frances Goodrich and Albert Hacket, is about young a girl ,13 years old ,who during WW2 is forced into hiding in the annex above an office building beacuseshe was jewish. Prior to and during during WW2,Adolph Hitler,the Nazi leader of Germany ,impresoned,despite all of the hardships,she concludes ‘In spite of everything,I still believe that people are really good at heart.’.This out look might be caused by all of the ways people sacrificed to help.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, is demonstrated. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent. (“For example , Miep helps Anne .her family and the others in hiding by bringing them things needed to survive. She would bring them food,news,and also runs errands even though it puts them at risk.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“In Act 2, ‘Miep comes up the steps followed by Mr.Kraler. They bring flowers,books,newspapers etc.’ Mr.Kraler also helps Anne and the others,he to helps Miep with supplies and other things.The office building that they are in belongs to Mr.Kraler.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The statement that Anne Frank said in The Diary of Anne Frank was “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are still good at heart.” This was proof that she was a very optimistic person. What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. A lmost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated, and very few details are provided in the essay. (“The statement that Anne Frank said in The Diary of Anne Frank was ‘In spite of everything, I still believe that people are still good at heart.’ This was proof that she was a very optimistic person. What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is inadequately developed. The essay is a mere four sentences with no details used to support the author’s main idea. (“The statement that Anne Frank said in The Diary of Anne Frank was ‘In spite of everything, I still believe that people are still good at heart.’ This was proof that she was a very optimistic person. What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one short paragraph. Furthermore, the essay lacks basic organization, as there is no clear introduction, body, or conclusion. (“The statement that Anne Frank said in The Diary of Anne Frank was ‘In spite of everything, I still believe that people are still good at heart.’ This was proof that she was a very optimistic person. What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. U nclear language and word choice are demonstrated, in addition to a lack of audience awareness. There are also major errors in usage and sentence structure, as the last sentence is only a fragment with no clear subject. (“What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. S evere errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“What i think she was trying to say was that sometimes people are nicer than they appear. Also that people try to act meaner than they are.”)

"The Dinner Party" by Mona Gardner

"The Dinner Party" by Mona Gardner explores the typical stereotyping that takes place regarding the emotions of women and men.

After carefully reading the selection "The Dinner Party," write a multi-paragraph essay demonstrating your understanding of the author's message. Be sure to use specific examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

"'A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis,' the colonel says, 'is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, he has an ounce more of nerve control than a women has. And that last ounce is what counts.'" This subject is controversial, but some authors have decided to take the subject to the reading battleground. One such story is the fictional tale written by Mona Gardner called "The Dinner Party," and brings the argument to a party in colonial India. Three of the characters, the American Naturalist, the hostess of the party, and the other minor characters show that Gardner believes gender does not determine how a person will respond in a crisis.

In this assembly, an American shows us that men could possibly hold the title of most utmost self-control. The protagonist's first show tale sign of self-control is how the man can observe his surroundings to distinguish potential threats. Of the several observances, the Naturalist makes during the account is while the rest of the party-goers were engaged in a dispute, he noticed that his hostess was stressed and that a bowl of milk had been placed on the veranda. Also, inside the vicinity of the room, the American detects the position of the lethal serpent. Another of the qualities he has that helps him in his struggle for self control is his sheer cleverness and smarts. After the bowl of milk had been set, the character knew instantaneously that there was a viper in the room, and yet he is brainy enough to know not to alert the other patrons to its presence. As well, he pulls, out of thin air a plan for a game that would allow the snake to make its withdrawal. The last proficiency that allows the American Naturalist to keep maintenance of his excellent self-control is his self-control itself. The Naturalist, after discovering the viper, wishes to tell the other guests, but instead has self-control and doesn't arouse the others because he knows it would frighten the slithering foe. Last of all, during his own contest the American leaps forward to cease the death grip on the rest of the company. Among all these points it is possible that Gardner is wrong, and men have the greatest control.

Mrs. Wynnes, however, shows us that on the top of this control battleground, the king of the hill might not be a man. Not unlike the Naturalist, she has exceptional quick-wittedness which could assist her in her strive for more willpower. When the woman first notices the snake, she immediately sends for a lure to remove it with. In addition, at the moment when the slippery monster crawled across her foot, she decided to detain from making any sign of panic. Another of the traits that the hostess uses to stay discipline is her knowledge of the situation and what is happening within it. After the reptile snakes over her foot, the woman instantly tells the servant boy to retrieve milk to lure it out. Mrs. Wynnes also makes sure not to panic at all, because she knows that if she does, she may lose some vulnerable partygoers to an enraged beast. As with the American, the hostess's crowned jewel quality is her self-control. Seconds after the monster moves over her foot, she does not scream, she retains discipline in her mind. In addition, at almost the end of the story, the Naturalist wishes to know how Mrs. Wynnes had known about the scaly creature, and he discovers that it had been crawling over her foot and she had even made sure no one else had noticed her surprise. Now after hearing this, the score is even between men and women in their tussle.

Not only the protagonists can convey the theme though, just about all of the other characters in the story show a form of self-control. The male authorities of the party also exhibit the theme. The colonel is obsessed with convincing a girl that men have more self-control even though when the snake is revealed, he makes a counterexample of his own obsession. On the other hand, the host as well does not show self-control and gets caught up in the argument and doesn't notice the milk being laid out. Of course, several other people at the gathering do have strong willpower, even the young people. Arguing fiercely, the young girl show excellent self-control, and does not give up her argument even though she is faced with a highly ranked official. Likewise the native boy listens to the hostess and retrieves the milk without showing any agitation. Last of all, the other twenty or so people perform self-control. All twenty people could sit still for five minutes, men and women alike. Probably the most revealing, though, was when the cobra emerged Gardner does not say it was just the women screaming. In this story, if you wish to find the moral, don't always go looking right to the main characters, take a mental detour.

Screaming, jumping, and crying may be the results of bad self-control, but it is not just women who posses these qualities. Women can have just as good self-control as men even though many people don't think so. In the world today, many women are put down below men or shunned because people do not think they are good enough to take on huge responsibilities. Everyone wants men to do all of the jobs that require guts. Fortunately for women though, this is changing and lots of people are being a lot less discriminate.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. Some of the more poignant moments are described in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ Of the several observances, the Naturalist makes during the account is while the rest of the party-goers were engaged in a dispute, he noticed that his hostess was stressed and that a bowl of milk had been placed on the veranda. Also, inside the vicinity of the room, the American detects the position of the lethal serpent. Another of the qualities he has that helps him in his struggle for self control is his sheer cleverness and smarts. After the bowl of milk had been set, the character knew instantaneously that there was a viper in the room, and yet he is brainy enough to know not to alert the other patrons to its presence. As well, he pulls, out of thin air a plan for a game that would allow the snake to make its withdrawal. ”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“ Not only the protagonists can convey the theme though, just about all of the other characters in the story show a form of self-control. The male authorities of the party also exhibit the theme. The colonel is obsessed with convincing a girl that men have more self-control even though when the snake is revealed, he makes a counterexample of his own obsession. On the other hand, the host as well does not show self-control and gets caught up in the argument and doesn't notice the milk being laid out. Of course, several other people at the gathering do have strong willpower, even the young people. ”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ One such story is the fictional tale written by Mona Gardner called 'The Dinner Party,' and brings the argument to a party in colonial India. Three of the characters, the American Naturalist, the hostess of the party, and the other minor characters show that Gardner believes gender does not determine how a person will respond in a crisis.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ When the woman first notices the snake, she immediately sends for a lure to remove it with. In addition, at the moment when the slippery monster crawled across her foot, she decided to detain from making any sign of panic. Another of the traits that the hostess uses to stay discipline is her knowledge of the situation and what is happening within it. After the reptile snakes over her foot, the woman instantly tells the servant boy to retrieve milk to lure it out. Mrs. Wynnes also makes sure not to panic at all, because she knows that if she does, she may lose some vulnerable partygoers to an enraged beast. ”)

Important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text, are included. (“The Naturalist, after discovering the viper, wishes to tell the other guests, but instead has self-control and doesn't arouse the others because he knows it would frighten the slithering foe. Last of all, during his own contest the American leaps forward to cease the death grip on the rest of the company. Among all these points it is possible that Gardner is wrong, and men have the greatest control.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ Of the several observances, the Naturalist makes during the account is while the rest of the party-goers were engaged in a dispute, he noticed that his hostess was stressed and that a bowl of milk had been placed on the veranda. Also, inside the vicinity of the room, the American detects the position of the lethal serpent. Another of the qualities he has that helps him in his struggle for self control is his sheer cleverness and smarts. After the bowl of milk had been set, the character knew instantaneously that there was a viper in the room, and yet he is brainy enough to know not to alert the other patrons to its presence. ”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated. Effective use of transitional devices is seen throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by utilizing an effective quote from Mona Gardner's "The Dinner Party" that demonstrates gender stereotyping. (“ 'A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis,' the colonel says, 'is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, he has an ounce more of nerve control than a women has. And that last ounce is what counts.' This subject is controversial, but some authors have decided to take the subject to the reading battleground. One such story is the fictional tale written by Mona Gardner called 'The Dinner Party,' and brings the argument to a party in colonial India. Three of the characters, the American Naturalist, the hostess of the party, and the other minor characters show that Gardner believes gender does not determine how a person will respond in a crisis.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In this assembly, an American shows us that men could possibly hold the title of most utmost self-control. The protagonist's first show tale sign of self-control is how the man can observe his surroundings to distinguish potential threats. Of the several observances, the Naturalist makes during the account is while the rest of the party-goers were engaged in a dispute, he noticed that his hostess was stressed and that a bowl of milk had been placed on the veranda. Also, inside the vicinity of the room, the American detects the position of the lethal serpent. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Screaming, jumping, and crying may be the results of bad self-control, but it is not just women who posses these qualities. Women can have just as good self-control as men even though many people don't think so. In the world today, many women are put down below men or shunned because people do not think they are good enough to take on huge responsibilities. Everyone wants men to do all of the jobs that require guts. Fortunately for women though, this is changing and lots of people are being a lot less discriminate. ”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Mona Gardner's "The Dinner Party." (“ Mrs. Wynnes, however, shows us that on the top of this control battleground, the king of the hill might not be a man. Not unlike the Naturalist, she has exceptional quick-wittedness which could assist her in her strive for more willpower. When the woman first notices the snake, she immediately sends for a lure to remove it with. In addition, at the moment when the slippery monster crawled across her foot, she decided to detain from making any sign of panic. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of "The Dinner Party" for the readers so that by the end of the passage, they understand how Gardner was portraying typical gender stereotyping. (“ Probably the most revealing, though, was when the cobra emerged Gardner does not say it was just the women screaming. In this story, if you wish to find the moral, don't always go looking right to the main characters, take a mental detour.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“In addition, at almost the end of the story, the Naturalist wishes to know how Mrs. Wynnes had known about the scaly creature, and he discovers that it had been crawling over her foot and she had even made sure no one else had noticed her surprise. Now after hearing this, the score is even between men and women in their tussle.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Mrs. Wynnes, however, shows us that on the top of this control battleground, the king of the hill might not be a man. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"She is staring straight ahead, her muscles contracting slightly. With a slight gesture, she summons the native boy standing behind her chair and whispers to him" (Gardner). In Mona Gardner's short story "The Dinner Party," a colonial official and his wife hold a party at their house which turns into a memorable experience and an important life lesson. The American naturalist, the hostess Mrs. Wynnes and all the other minor characters show that reaction to a crisis comes from someone's traits, not gender.

In Mona Gardner's story "The Dinner Party" the character known as the American naturalist, shows us that men can show good self-control. The American naturalist plays the main man role in this thesis. For example of how he stays under control is how he is very observant. In the story Mona Gardner states that while everyone was arguing that he was watching them intensely. She also writes how only he notices the native boy places a bowl of milk outside on the veranda. Another reason the naturalist can maintain self-control is how he is keen. He cleverly devises a game to keep everyone calm and quiet while the snake roams free. After the snake is outside and everyone out of harm's reach, the naturalist still knew that the host was wrong and supported this by asking the hostess how she knew the snake was in the room. One more reason of how the American shows us his self-control is how he has good will power. While he knew the snake was in the room, he still stayed calm, this shows he can stay calm even under pressure. Even with the pressure of having to keep all the guests safe under the present danger. When he first realized a cobra was present, he could have frantically looked for it, but instead the American calmly used his knowledge of reason and found where the snake was located. So as a man, the American naturalist shows that he can stay under perfect control in a tense situation.

In the story the American can show that he can maintain control for the men, now I will explain how the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes proves that women can also maintain their control. Mrs. Wynnes shows us that she has a strong will power to stay under control because she is quick-witted. Even though she was scared when the cobra slithered across her foot, Mrs. Wynnes was thinking ahead and did not tell this by publicly announcing it so that the guests would not freak out. After this incident, Mrs. Wynnes was smart to calmly order the native boy to discreetly place the bowl of milk outside also to work towards the hope not to disturb the guests. Another reason the hostess showed self-control is that she was brave. It also was very bold of her to tell the American that she knew that the cobra was in the room because it was slithering across her foot. Mrs. Wynnes had to be brave to be able to stay quiet and calm while the snake was present. The last reason the hostess kept under control is that she knew how to stay calm. Even under the frightening fact that the cobra was in the room, Mrs. Wynnes stayed calm by just having the tense look on her face and not screaming. She was brave for being able to mange to stay calm during the whole time the snake was present even though she was probably very scared. So as a woman, Mrs. Wynnes shows that even though under immense pressure, that in a crisis she can maintain self-control.

The minor characters show the author's message that gender does not determine a person's reaction during a crisis. In the story the young guests show that they can maintain their control by their actions. The native boy's eyes widen when he hears about the cobra being in the room, but he does not freak out. Instead, he calmly places the bowl of milk outside. The young girl argues with the high ranked colonel, which shows she has inner strength. Yet she is oblivious to see the snake or notice the unusual expression on the hostess's face. The ranked guests show in the story that they had a strict point of view, but did they show this? The colonel argued with the young girl in which he debated that men are stronger mentally and physically than women and that she should probably back down. Although even with his point in mind, the young girl failed to back down, and he also did not even notice the cobra. The host agrees with the colonel, but as a husband he is too busy arguing to notice the troubled face of his own wife. He also did not notice when she told the native boy to place the bowl of milk outside on the veranda. All the other guests show that it does not matter what gender you are and what you do. They all debate the issue based on their own gender. They argue that one is better or equal to, but neither guests care to notice the bowl of milk being placed outside nor the distressed look on the hostess. All the guests show that they can sit perfectly still, but does this show that they have good self-control? No, all the guests, men and all scream at the sight of the cobra after it emerges from underneath the table. In the end all the guests showed that they had at least some control, but in a crisis gender truly did not matter on who was brave and who was scared.

This story truly proves that bravery does not depend on gender, but how it lies in one's own character. Mona Gardner really created a story that was and both interesting and meaningful. The end was especially good because it was almost a cliffhanger, but it had a hidden message in it. These kinds of stories are good to hear because right now America is still a bit sexist against women. This is not a subject to be ignored because this can mean that women could end up single with a low paying job that is not enough to support themselves. So to hear this story is for a truly good cause.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on how gender stereotyping is portrayed through the characters in "The Dinner Party." The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ In Mona Gardner's short story 'The Dinner Party,' a colonial official and his wife hold a party at their house which turns into a memorable experience and an important life lesson. The American naturalist, the hostess Mrs. Wynnes and all the other minor characters show that reaction to a crisis comes from someone's traits, not gender.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Mrs. Wynnes shows us that she has a strong will power to stay under control because she is quick-witted. Even though she was scared when the cobra slithered across her foot, Mrs. Wynnes was thinking ahead and did not tell this by publicly announcing it so that the guests would not freak out. After this incident, Mrs. Wynnes was smart to calmly order the native boy to discreetly place the bowl of milk outside also to work towards the hope not to disturb the guests.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the typical gender stereotyping that occurs throughout "The Dinner Party." (“ The minor characters show the author's message that gender does not determine a person's reaction during a crisis. In the story the young guests show that they can maintain their control by their actions. The native boy's eyes widen when he hears about the cobra being in the room, but he does not freak out. Instead, he calmly places the bowl of milk outside.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In Mona Gardner's story 'The Dinner Party' the character known as the American naturalist, shows us that men can show good self-control. The American naturalist plays the main man role in this thesis. For example of how he stays under control is how he is very observant. In the story Mona Gardner states that while everyone was arguing that he was watching them intensely. She also writes how only he notices the native boy places a bowl of milk outside on the veranda.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ Even though she was scared when the cobra slithered across her foot, Mrs. Wynnes was thinking ahead and did not tell this by publicly announcing it so that the guests would not freak out. After this incident, Mrs. Wynnes was smart to calmly order the native boy to discreetly place the bowl of milk outside also to work towards the hope not to disturb the guests. Another reason the hostess showed self-control is that she was brave. It also was very bold of her to tell the American that she knew that the cobra was in the room because it was slithering across her foot. Mrs. Wynnes had to be brave to be able to stay quiet and calm while the snake was present. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“In the story the American can show that he can maintain control for the men, now I will explain how the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes proves that women can also maintain their control. Mrs. Wynnes shows us that she has a strong will power to stay under control because she is quick-witted. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ 'She is staring straight ahead, her muscles contracting slightly. With a slight gesture, she summons the native boy standing behind her chair and whispers to him' (Gardner). In Mona Gardner's short story 'The Dinner Party,' a colonial official and his wife hold a party at their house which turns into a memorable experience and an important life lesson. The American naturalist, the hostess Mrs. Wynnes and all the other minor characters show that reaction to a crisis comes from someone's traits, not gender.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ The young girl argues with the high ranked colonel, which shows she has inner strength. Yet she is oblivious to see the snake or notice the unusual expression on the hostess's face. The ranked guests show in the story that they had a strict point of view, but did they show this? The colonel argued with the young girl in which he debated that men are stronger mentally and physically than women and that she should probably back down. Although even with his point in mind, the young girl failed to back down, and he also did not even notice the cobra.”)

The essay includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ This story truly proves that bravery does not depend on gender, but how it lies in one's own character. Mona Gardner really created a story that was and both interesting and meaningful. The end was especially good because it was almost a cliffhanger, but it had a hidden message in it. These kinds of stories are good to hear because right now America is still a bit sexist against women. This is not a subject to be ignored because this can mean that women could end up single with a low paying job that is not enough to support themselves. So to hear this story is for a truly good cause.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Even under the frightening fact that the cobra was in the room, Mrs. Wynnes stayed calm by just having the tense look on her face and not screaming. She was brave for being able to mange to stay calm during the whole time the snake was present even though she was probably very scared. So as a woman, Mrs. Wynnes shows that even though under immense pressure, that in a crisis she can maintain self-control. ”)

Strong voice is demonstrated in the response. (“ The minor characters show the author's message that gender does not determine a person's reaction during a crisis. In the story the young guests show that they can maintain their control by their actions. The native boy's eyes widen when he hears about the cobra being in the room, but he does not freak out. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“They argue that one is better or equal to, but neither guests care to notice the bowl of milk being placed outside nor the distressed look on the hostess. All the guests show that they can sit perfectly still, but does this show that they have good self-control? No, all the guests, men and all scream at the sight of the cobra after it emerges from underneath the table. In the end all the guests showed that they had at least some control, but in a crisis gender truly did not matter on who was brave and who was scared. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ This story truly proves that bravery does not depend on gender, but how it lies in one's own character. Mona Gardner really created a story that was and both interesting and meaningful. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Dinner Party" by Mona Gardner

Typically a man would be the one to be in control and stay calm in times of fear but women are thought otherwise. The short story "The Dinner Party," by Mona Gardner explains the typical stereotyping of women and men's emotion. This short story explores the understanding that not every stereotype of women and men are always correct.

The story takes place in British-India where a large dinner party is held. A young girl from one side of the table argues with the colonel insisting on how women have long passed the fluttery attitude. As this lively discussion happens, the American naturalist realizes something strange on their hostess's expression. She summons the native boy closest to her to place a bowl of milk out on the verandah. For the naturalist, this meant bait for a cobra. He speaks quickly and arresting towards everyone to inform them about the cobra in the room. The method he used was to see how much control everyone at the table had and counted to five minutes. By the end, the hostess proved the men wrong about self control when she confessed that the snake was lying across her foot. The hostess displayed that women do not always scream- proving the stereotype of women not having control false. The author's message toward the readers was that stereotypes are not always true.

For instance, men in this story were said to be more calm and contain more nerve control than women. This was true due to the fact that when the American scientist first realized the location of the cobra, his first impulse was to jump back and warn the others, but he knew otherwise. Instead, he speaks arresting to everyone at the table-proving that men do have nerve control. Although this did not prove that women have less nerve control compared to men.

For example, women in this story were thought to not have self control. When the colonel says, "A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis, is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, yet he has that one ounce more of control than a woman has "This was proved wrong when the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes, did not scream nor jump when she found out the cobra was lying across her foot. This displayed to the readers how males and females react to tense situations. She proved that women had this "ounce" more of real control that the colonel stated women didn't have. The author's message towards this section was that the men's stereotype of women having less control over women was not true and that women had equal control as men do.

The author's message to pass through "The Dinner Party" was to prove that not all stereotypes of females and males were always true. The fact that Mrs. Wynnes did not scream when she discovered about the cobra proved the stereotype of women having less control over men was wrong. It revealed that women and men's stereotyping was not always true and was not to always reflect on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of typical gender stereotyping in "The Dinner Party" and provides adequate details that allow readers to imagine the scenario in their minds. (“The story takes place in British-India where a large dinner party is held. A young girl from one side of the table argues with the colonel insisting on how women have long passed the fluttery attitude. As this lively discussion happens, the American naturalist realizes something strange on their hostess's expression. She summons the native boy closest to her to place a bowl of milk out on the verandah. For the naturalist, this meant bait for a cobra. He speaks quickly and arresting towards everyone to inform them about the cobra in the room. The method he used was to see how much control everyone at the table had and counted to five minutes.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer focuses on specific examples of how the characters stereotype others based on gender. (“For example, women in this story were thought to not have self control. When the colonel says, 'A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis, is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, yet he has that one ounce more of control than a woman has 'This was proved wrong when the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes, did not scream nor jump when she found out the cobra was lying across her foot. This displayed to the readers how males and females react to tense situations.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to illustrate the author's message by providing examples of gender stereotyping from the text, and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended audience. (“For instance, men in this story were said to be more calm and contain more nerve control than women. This was true due to the fact that when the American scientist first realized the location of the cobra, his first impulse was to jump back and warn the others, but he knew otherwise. Instead, he speaks arresting to everyone at the table-proving that men do have nerve control. Although this did not prove that women have less nerve control compared to men.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately by using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“This was proved wrong when the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes, did not scream nor jump when she found out the cobra was lying across her foot. This displayed to the readers how males and females react to tense situations. She proved that women had this 'ounce' more of real control that the colonel stated women didn't have. ”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“For example, women in this story were thought to not have self control. When the colonel says, 'A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis, is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, yet he has that one ounce more of control than a woman has ' This was proved wrong when the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes, did not scream nor jump when she found out the cobra was lying across her foot. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The author's message to pass through 'The Dinner Party' was to prove that not all stereotypes of females and males were always true. The fact that Mrs. Wynnes did not scream when she discovered about the cobra proved the stereotype of women having less control over men was wrong.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Typically a man would be the one to be in control and stay calm in times of fear but women are thought otherwise. The short story 'The Dinner Party,' by Mona Gardner explains the typical stereotyping of women and men's emotion. This short story explores the understanding that not every stereotype of women and men are always correct.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ For instance, men in this story were said to be more calm and contain more nerve control than women. This was true due to the fact that when the American scientist first realized the location of the cobra, his first impulse was to jump back and warn the others, but he knew otherwise. Instead, he speaks arresting to everyone at the table-proving that men do have nerve control. Although this did not prove that women have less nerve control compared to men.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ The author's message to pass through 'The Dinner Party' was to prove that not all stereotypes of females and males were always true. The fact that Mrs. Wynnes did not scream when she discovered about the cobra proved the stereotype of women having less control over men was wrong. It revealed that women and men's stereotyping was not always true and was not to always reflect on. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. Appropriate language and word choice, along with an awareness of audience and control of voice, are provided. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ For example, women in this story were thought to not have self control. When the colonel says, 'A women's unfailing reaction in any crisis, is to scream. And while a man may feel like it, yet he has that one ounce more of control than a woman has 'This was proved wrong when the hostess, Mrs. Wynnes, did not scream nor jump when she found out the cobra was lying across her foot. This displayed to the readers how males and females react to tense situations.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes. (“ For instance, men in this story were said to be more calm and contain more nerve control than women. This was true due to the fact that when the American scientist first realized the location of the cobra, his first impulse was to jump back and warn the others, but he knew otherwise. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ This short story explores the understanding that not every stereotype of women and men are always correct.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ For instance, men in this story were said to be more calm and contain more nerve control than women. This was true due to the fact that when the American scientist first realized the location of the cobra, his first impulse was to jump back and warn the others, but he knew otherwise.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Dinner Party is a story how male hippocrites doubt a womans control and will. In this story, a hostess, over hearing a conversation of army officers and a young girl talking about how a woman will only scream in a crisis, and how men dont scream and only try to solve the problem. One of the Officers, who was an American man, notices the hostess being very still then calls out a boy to put bowls of milk around the verandas. This could only mean a snake was near by! Quickly the american officer plans a game for the officers so they would not attract the attention of the snake. After about 200 seconds, the snake appears and the officer screams and quickly closed the varandas gates. As he did so, the hostess exclaims " 'You were right! This man has showed us perfect control!' ". She explained how she knew the sanek was there and did not scream.

I believe the authors message is to "not judge a book by its cover". The officers in this story were hippocriting woman, just because they were weak. The hostess heard what they said, and went to prove that not all woman scream at the sight of crisis. The hostess was really clever in this story on how she proved a woman will not scream at every crisis. She just stayed still and waited for the snake to leave instead of running and screaming.Then she tryed to solve the problem by using bowls of milk to attract the snake, and to most likely scare it away or catch it .

Another example is that when one of the officers said that men wont scream during a crisis, but will solve it. Instead when the snake appeared by the bowl of milk, the American Officers paniced and screamed. The Officer that said that men wouldnt scream during a crisis was a hippocrite. People should never just judge others by their gender, appearance and race. Everyone is equal and have their own special talents to do things.This is what I felt the men in this story were doing. This is what I think the authors message is: "Never judge a book by its cover". The message in this story can help people understand how others feel and what they shouldnt do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

A limited central/controlling idea is stated. (“The Dinner Party is a story how male hippocrites doubt a womans control and will. In this story, a hostess, over hearing a conversation of army officers and a young girl talking about how a woman will only scream in a crisis, and how men dont scream and only try to solve the problem.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing how people shouldn't stereotype others based on their gender, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“I believe the authors message is to 'not judge a book by its cover'. The officers in this story were hippocriting woman, just because they were weak. The hostess heard what they said, and went to prove that not all woman scream at the sight of crisis. The hostess was really clever in this story on how she proved a woman will not scream at every crisis. She just stayed still and waited for the snake to leave instead of running and screaming.Then she tryed to solve the problem by using bowls of milk to attract the snake, and to most likely scare it away or catch it .”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In this story, a hostess, over hearing a conversation of army officers and a young girl talking about how a woman will only scream in a crisis, and how men dont scream and only try to solve the problem. One of the Officers, who was an American man, notices the hostess being very still then calls out a boy to put bowls of milk around the verandas.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“One of the Officers, who was an American man, notices the hostess being very still then calls out a boy to put bowls of milk around the verandas. This could only mean a snake was near by! Quickly the american officer plans a game for the officers so they would not attract the attention of the snake. After about 200 seconds, the snake appears and the officer screams and quickly closed the varandas gates.”)

Limited details are used to illustrate the main ideas. (“Another example is that when one of the officers said that men wont scream during a crisis, but will solve it. Instead when the snake appeared by the bowl of milk, the American Officers paniced and screamed. The Officer that said that men wouldnt scream during a crisis was a hippocrite.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“The officers in this story were hippocriting woman, just because they were weak. The hostess heard what they said, and went to prove that not all woman scream at the sight of crisis. The hostess was really clever in this story on how she proved a woman will not scream at every crisis. She just stayed still and waited for the snake to leave instead of running and screaming.Then she tryed to solve the problem by using bowls of milk to attract the snake, and to most likely scare it away or catch it .”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Dinner Party is a story how male hippocrites doubt a womans control and will. In this story, a hostess, over hearing a conversation of army officers and a young girl talking about how a woman will only scream in a crisis, and how men dont scream and only try to solve the problem. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Then she tryed to solve the problem by using bowls of milk to attract the snake, and to most likely scare it away or catch it . Another example is that when one of the officers said that men wont scream during a crisis, but will solve it. Instead when the snake appeared by the bowl of milk, the American Officers paniced and screamed. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion does not summarize the aspects of stereotyping that are portrayed throughout Mona Gardner's "The Dinner Party." (“ This is what I think the authors message is: 'Never judge a book by its cover'. The message in this story can help people understand how others feel and what they shouldnt do. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Then she tryed to solve the problem by using bowls of milk to attract the snake, and to most likely scare it away or catch it . ”)

The writer attempts to demonstrate voice and style in the response. (“ The Officer that said that men wouldnt scream during a crisis was a hippocrite. People should never just judge others by their gender, appearance and race. Everyone is equal and have their own special talents to do things. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ The officers in this story were hippocriting woman, just because they were weak. The hostess heard what they said, and went to prove that not all woman scream at the sight of crisis.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Instead when the snake appeared by the bowl of milk, the American Officers paniced and screamed. The Officer that said that men wouldnt scream during a crisis was a hippocrite. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

the story the dinner party takes place in india where a colonial official and his wife are hosting a dinner party. in the stor y an argument spings up between a young girl and an colonel the girl states that "women have outgrown the jumping on the chair at the sight of a mouse era." to where the male thinks otherwise. the man falowing the stereotype that all women will scream in any crisis.

the man telling the story looks at the hostess and sees a strange look came on her face. she whisperd to a boy and he quicly exits the room and comes back with a bowl of milk that he puts outside open doors wich in india is used as bait for snakes the man telling the story thinks that it is under the table so he tells everyone that whoever moves has to submit 50 rupees so every one at the table sits still the snake comes out from under the table and to the bowl of milk so the man closes the doors the host says a man just showed us a perfect example of self control the man telling the story says to the hostess how did you know there was a snake in the room to wich she replies because it was crawling across my foot. she did not scream and she was a woman and she had the snake crawl across her foot disproving the stereotype.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions how typical stereotypes are portrayed in Mona Gardner's short story "The Dinner Party," but because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“in the stor y an argument spings up between a young girl and an colonel the girl states that 'women have outgrown the jumping on the chair at the sight of a mouse era.' to where the male thinks otherwise. the man falowing the stereotype that all women will scream in any crisis.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas of how gender-based stereotyping affects the different characters in "The Dinner Party." (“ she did not scream and she was a woman and she had the snake crawl across her foot disproving the stereotype. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ the man telling the story looks at the hostess and sees a strange look came on her face. she whisperd to a boy and he quicly exits the room and comes back with a bowl of milk that he puts outside open doors wich in india is used as bait for snakes the man telling the story thinks that it is under the table so he tells everyone that whoever moves has to submit 50 rupees so every one at the table sits still the snake comes out from under the table and to the bowl of milk so the man closes the doors the host says a man just showed us a perfect example of self control the man telling the story says to the hostess how did you know there was a snake in the room to wich she replies because it was crawling across my foot.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event by including an example from "The Dinner Party" where the woman announces that the snake was crawling across her foot, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“…the host says a man just showed us a perfect example of self control the man telling the story says to the hostess how did you know there was a snake in the room to wich she replies because it was crawling across my foot.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“she did not scream and she was a woman and she had the snake crawl across her foot disproving the stereotype.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“the story the dinner party takes place in india where a colonial official and his wife are hosting a dinner party. in the stor y an argument spings up between a young girl and an colonel the girl states that 'women have outgrown the jumping on the chair at the sight of a mouse era.' to where the male thinks otherwise. the man falowing the stereotype that all women will scream in any crisis.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization. There is minimal structure and a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“the story the dinner party takes place in india where a colonial official and his wife are hosting a dinner party.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“the man falowing the stereotype that all women will scream in any crisis. the man telling the story looks at the hostess and sees a strange look came on her face.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ she did not scream and she was a woman and she had the snake crawl across her foot disproving the stereotype. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ she whisperd to a boy and he quicly exits the room and comes back with a bowl of milk that he puts outside open doors wich in india is used as bait for snakes the man telling the story thinks that it is under the table so he tells everyone that whoever moves has to submit 50 rupees so every one at the table sits still the snake comes out from under the table and to the bowl of milk so the man closes the doors the host says a man just showed us a perfect example of self control the man telling the story says to the hostess how did you know there was a snake in the room to wich she replies because it was crawling across my foot.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ the man telling the story looks at the hostess and sees a strange look came on her face.”)

There is repetition. (“ the man falowing the stereotype that all women will scream in any crisis. the man telling the story looks at the hostess and sees a strange look came on her face.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ she whisperd to a boy and he quicly exits the room and comes back with a bowl of milk that he puts outside open doors wich in india is used as bait for snakes… ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Dinner Party" by Mona Gardner

I belive Mona Gardner's message is that women can keep their control in a serious crisis. Because in "The Dinner Party", women kept calm when there was a snake in the house. And I thought that was amazing. Because women usually sream & run away. I think that's funny. No offence Mrs. Teacher.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are demonstrated in the essay. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

No central/controlling idea is stated. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The letter is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Because in 'The Dinner Party', women kept calm when there was a snake in the house. And I thought that was amazing.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Because in 'The Dinner Party', women kept calm when there was a snake in the house.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of stereotypes in Mona Gardner's short story "The Dinner Party," but he/she inadequately reveals this in the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“I belive Mona Gardner's message is that women can keep their control in a serious crisis.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Because in 'The Dinner Party', women kept calm when there was a snake in the house. And I thought that was amazing.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Because in 'The Dinner Party', women kept calm when there was a snake in the house. And I thought that was amazing. Because women usually sream & run away. I think that's funny.”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ I belive Mona Gardner's message is that women can keep their control in a serious crisis.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Because in 'The Dinner Party', women kept calm when there was a snake in the house. And I thought that was amazing.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ No offence Mrs. Teacher.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ And I thought that was amazing.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ I think that's funny. No offence Mrs. Teacher.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Effect on the Reader of The Outsiders

In The Outsiders , several other literary works are mentioned. Robert Frost’s poem, “Nothing Gold Can Stay,” gives a rather pessimistic view of life, suggesting that the best experiences can’t last for long. Gone With the Wind , a novel set at the time of the Civil War, is the book Ponyboy reads to Johnny when they are hiding in the church. At the end of The Outsiders , Johnny writes a note and puts it in the novel, where he knows Ponyboy will find it. Johnny’s message to Ponyboy is optimistic or hopeful: “There’s still lots of good in the world.”

Do you believe the overall effect of this book on a reader is optimistic (hopeful) or pessimistic? Write an essay in which you convince your audience of your position on this issue. Consider the characters and events as well as the poem and war novel. Support your opinion with specific references to the book. Do not simply retell the story.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

I think that this book, The Outsiders, give us an optimistic, or positive, point in life now. It shows how people are there for you no matter what, what people would do in life, how some people feel, and much more. In this book, it showed positive sides and negative sides of life today.

I have noticed that in this book that family does not have to be just your parents and brothers and sisters, but it can also be a friend. Darry, he does his best to keep his brothers together. Darry keeps his brothers out of trouble as much as he can. In this book, the greasers, Ponyboy, Johnny, Sodapop, Darry, Dally, Steve, and Two-Bit, the boys seem to care about other through bad or good situations. These kids may not be related, but they act more as family then other people that they know, for example, Johnny’s parents. Johnny’s parents would always get mad at Johnny for no reasons sometimes and act as if they never wanted him here in the first place. Johnny had his friends to act more as a family to him. Sometimes these days there are friends who are really close to each other and act like brothers and sisters to each other and that are just like the book.

I think an optimistic point in this story was how Ponyboy and Johnny would have risked there lives for people that they do not even know, or strangers, from being killed in a burning church. None of the socs would have even thought that a bunch of greasers would have saved little kids. That’s and example of how people judge you from what they see on your outside and not from what you are inside.

Teenagers just want to be so cool and just want to fit with everybody else. People in the book and nowadays are being judged on what they see on the outsides of people and not what in the inside. If you were to have tough cars, lots of money, and be smart then maybe people would have called you a socs in this book. If you were to wear a lot of grease in your hair, would not have a lot of money, and may not be so smart, then you might have been called a greaser. Both groups may have things in common, but they just did not seem to notice. If a greaser and a socs were to sit down in a room by themselves and would have about how hard it is or how good life was for them, I think there would have seen how much in common they had with each other.

Sometimes, people feel as though that they do not belong where they are because they are so miserable and wanting to give up on life or start on a new life in a different place. Just like Johnny, he sometimes wanted to just kill himself because of how his parents treated him and because of the socs. Johnny did not kill himself though because he had his friends to support him. You just have to remember that nothing stays the same forever because everything changes overtime. That is what the poem, “Nothing Gold Can Stay,” meant by nothing gold can stay.

These boys that were called greasers have their own feelings and how they see life. They were all so different from each other, but they got along so great and stuck together. An example is that Ponyboy likes watching movies by himself so that he can understand the movie and get into it. My friend is a total opposite of me and we are like sisters. The socs and the greasers are different from each other, but some of them are alike and got along just fine, but it was the whole group that set them apart. Carry and Ponyboy were from different sides, but they both had in common was that they both like watching sunsets.

Everywhere around the world is different in many ways. In some places, there would be a lot of fights and in others there would be no fights. Sometimes you feel that you got the worst part of life ever, but there can be worst.

What I thought was really cool was how good the greasers got along with each other. Johnny would always be yelled and hit by his parents, but he still had his friends and especially Dally. Darry would take care of his brothers and friends and would leave the front door of his house opened for people to use if they were hacked off their parents or something. Two-Bit would always make everybody have a great laugh in something. Steve was always Sodapop’s friend. Dally would protect Johnny, like how he got Johnny out of the burning church. This is showing how people are different and how they care for each other and that is a very optimistic thing in the book and what is happening today.

In conclusion, I really thought that this book was a great book to read and I would highly recommend this book to anyone. It was an optimistic book to me because of how people cared for each other, how different people are different and alike, and about life today.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“I think that this book, The Outsiders, give us an optimistic, or positive, point in life now. It shows how people are there for you no matter what, what people would do in life, how some people feel, and much more. In this book, it showed positive sides and negative sides of life today. ”) By using a focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the story and its effect on the reader. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the novel is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of textual details and examples and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The author clearly explains examples from the text which support his/her thesis. (“I think an optimistic point in this story was how Ponyboy and Johnny would have risked there lives for people that they do not even know, or strangers, from being killed in a burning church. None of the socs would have even thought that a bunch of greasers would have saved little kids. That’s and example of how people judge you from what they see on your outside and not from what you are inside.”) This student goes beyond superficial interpretation and treats the reader to an in-depth analysis that uses support from the text.

Organization

The essay is organized very effectively. The introduction is well-developed, and it immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“I think that this book, The Outsiders, give us an optimistic, or positive, point in life now. It shows how people are there for you no matter what, what people would do in life, how some people feel, and much more. ”). The body paragraphs are detailed and well-supported. The conclusion effectively reiterates the author’s thesis. (“ It was an optimistic book to me because of how people cared for each other, how different people are different and alike, and about life today. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer composes this essay using very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“Johnny did not kill himself though because he had his friends to support him. You just have to remember that nothing stays the same forever because everything changes overtime. That is what the poem, “Nothing Gold Can Stay,” meant by nothing gold can stay. ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ Everywhere around the world is different in many ways. In some places, there would be a lot of fights and in others there would be no fights. Sometimes you feel that you got the worst part of life ever, but there can be worst.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. A few errors in grammar (“ This is showing how people are different and how they care for each other and that is a very optimistic thing in the book and what is happening today.”) , punctuation, and spelling are evident in this well-written piece, but they do not detract from the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The overall effect of this book on me was pessimistic because there were a lot of sad events, bad events, and mostly violence. Even though there were some comedy and happy events in the book, this book is mostly about wars going against the “haves” and the “have-nots”. That is one of the biggest reasons that I think makes this book pessimistic. I think The Outsiders is one of the best stories I have read and didn’t sleep on.

One of the reasons I think this book makes me think it is pessimistic is that there is complete violence in almost every part in the book. For example, when some of the Socs. came and jumped Ponyboy, the Socs. almost killed Ponyboy with a knife. Also, when the Socs. jumped on Johnny and Ponyboy, Jonny killed Bob because Bob was tring to drown Ponyboy to death. Another example is when the Socs. are having a rumble with the Greasers. They were practically killing each other, and breaking bones just because they are different. I think that there are these kind of problems everywhere even today.

Another reason is that there are very depressing events in the story. Like, when Johnny dies because he saved the children and did a good deed, but he didn’t get rewards from it and just died. At the church, Ponyboy and Johnny watches the sunset, and Ponyboy says nothing Gold can stay, and I think it is really sad that the quote is right in reality. When Dally dies, he is so angry and depressed that his faveorite person, Johnny, died, he tried to kill himself by having the cops believe that he had a loded gun. Also, when Darry and Ponyboy was fighting, Soda felt like he was in the one who had to take sides.When Soda was talking to Ponyboy and Darry, I thought of my sister fighting with me, and we ask our mom who is wrong or who is right. These events makes me really sad and makes me think this book really is pessimistic.

My one last reason is that some main characters have no parents or their parents don’t care about their children. An Example is that Johnny’s Mom and Dad always hurt him and abused him, and that made Johnny feel like he doesn’t have parents anymore. That made him mad, I guess, because when Johnny’s Mom came to see him at the hospital, he rejected her and wanted to be alone. So Johnny depend on his friends, especially Dally, to get him through his life. another on is that the Curtis brothers’ parents died just a few years ago, and now they depend on their friends to help them and get them through their lives.These examples makes me think of some of my freinds because they had similar things happen to them too. Like, one of my friend’s mom got killed by an accident now she has a hard time concentrating at school.

These are the reasons I think this book is pessimistic. Like I said, this book had a lot of bad events, sad events, and mostly violence. This book was really one of the best book I have read, and even though there were some events I didnt like, I still loved the book. I think anyone who likes a story about life, then I really think this book would be the best one.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“The overall effect of this book on me was pessimistic because there were a lot of sad events, bad events, and mostly violence. Even though there were some comedy and happy events in the book, this book is mostly about wars going against the "haves" and the "have-nots".”) and completes a thorough analysis of the text. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text, task, and his/her own experiences.

Content & Development

The author of this essay develops a thorough analysis of the novel. (“One of the reasons I think this book makes me think it is pessimistic is that there is complete violence in almost every part in the book. For example, when some of the Socs. came and jumped Ponyboy, the Socs. almost killed Ponyboy with a knife. Also, when the Socs. jumped on Johnny and Ponyboy, Jonny killed Bob because Bob was tring to drown Ponyboy to death.”) The author cites directly from the text to allow the reader to fully understand the story while making connections to his/her own life. (“When Dally dies, he is so angry and depressed that his faveorite person, Johnny, died, he tried to kill himself by having the cops believe that he had a loded gun. Also, when Darry and Ponyboy was fighting, Soda felt like he was in the one who had to take sides.When Soda was talking to Ponyboy and Darry, I thought of my sister fighting with me, and we ask our mom who is wrong or who is right.”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ My one last reason is that some main characters have no parents or their parents don’t care about their children. An Example is that Johnny’s Mom and Dad always hurt him and abused him, and that made Johnny feel like he doesn’t have parents anymore. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection between the text and real life. (“ These are the reasons I think this book is pessimistic. Like I said, this book had a lot of bad events, sad events, and mostly violence. This book was really one of the best book I have read, and even though there were some events I didnt like, I still loved the book. I think anyone who likes a story about life, then I really think this book would be the best one.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“So Johnny depend on his friends, especially Dally, to get him through his life. another on is that the Curtis brothers’ parents died just a few years ago, and now they depend on their friends to help them and get them through their lives.These examples makes me think of some of my freinds because they had similar things happen to them too. Like, one of my friend’s mom got killed by an accident now she has a hard time concentrating at school.” ) The author uses varied sentence structure and is aware of his/her audience. (“ Also, when Darry and Ponyboy was fighting, Soda felt like he was in the one who had to take sides.When Soda was talking to Ponyboy and Darry, I thought of my sister fighting with me, and we ask our mom who is wrong or who is right. These events makes me really sad and makes me think this book really is pessimistic.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates effective control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Very few errors in spelling (“freinds ”), grammar (“ These events makes me”) , and punctuation are noticeable but do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

How did I feel as I read Hinton’s riveting and heartbreaking novel, The outsiiders? Although this book had both funny and depressing moments, I found it mostly sad.Because in the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” describes how happiness never lasts long, In the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” shows how people will have a hard time finding the world’s beautiful features like peace, sunshine, and harmony.Last but not least,when Johnny and Ponyboy read “gone with the wind” they felt depressed because some brave soldiers died.

One example involves how In the outsiders Johnny and Ponyboy were reading Nothing Gold can Stay they read that happiness never lasts.In real life the book Nothing gold can stay is making a good point in saying happiness never lasts. Their might be times when you think you are the happiest person in the world but in a short while it will all be gone and that is a fact. For example , In marriages when people get married they say it is the happiest time of their lives. But in a majority of the marriages they will end and with the marriage ending so does the happiness.

Equally important, Johnny and Pony boy read Nothing gold can stay and in that book they read how people have a hard time finding the worlds real beautiful features like peace, harmony, and sunshine.This is in fact true because people are always pointing out the worlds horrors and disasters and problems. But they never think about its beautiful features. For example peace , harmony, and sunshine are good things and features that the world gives besides its problems.

Likewise, the book the outsiders is sad and depressing because in that book Ponyboy and Johnny were reading the book Gone with the Wind they read about a depressing story which explained how two brave soldiers lost their lives. This might be sad to show how a lot of brave people die for no reason or for an injustice. This is very sad to them and a little to me.

Even though other people still say that The Outsiders has lots of entertaining parts, I still consider it an extremely heartbreaking book. For Example, the three boys did not have to die. Guess what? Teens need more positive literature like Harriet Tubman.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt and has an understanding of the task. (“ Although this book had both funny and depressing moments, I found it mostly sad.Because in the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” describes how happiness never lasts long, In the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” shows how people will have a hard time finding the world’s beautiful features like peace, sunshine, and harmony.Last but not least,when Johnny and Ponyboy read “gone with the wind” they felt depressed because some brave soldiers died.”) This response offers a brief analysis and does make connections between the text and life.

Content & Development

The author supports his/her controlling idea with some specific and accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes the thesis, and the body paragraphs demonstrate the authors understanding of the text. However, the author does not go into enough detail. (“Likewise, the book the outsiders is sad and depressing because in that book Ponyboy and Johnny were reading the book Gone with the Wind they read about a depressing story which explained how two brave soldiers lost their lives.”) The author does make important connections between the text and life. (“For example , In marriages when people get married they say it is the happiest time of their lives. But in a majority of the marriages they will end and with the marriage ending so does the happiness.”)

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph engages t he reader and develops the necessary background information for the essay . Each body parag raph is adequately structured but could use a more detailed explanation of the text. The concluding paragraph should further elaborate the author’s connection with the text, but it fails to do so. (“Even though other people still say that The Outsiders has lots of entertaining parts, I still consider it an extremely heartbreaking book. For Example, the three boys did not have to die. Guess what? Teens need more positive literature like Harriet Tubman.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most of the author’s word choices are adequate and appropriate. (“Because in the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” describes how happiness never lasts long, In the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” shows how people will have a hard time finding the world’s beautiful features like peace, sunshine, and harmony.Last but not least,when Johnny and Ponyboy read “gone with the wind” they felt depressed because some brave soldiers died. ”) Most sentences use correct structure but lack variety, as evidenced by repetitive sentences. (“ Likewise, the book the outsiders is sad and depressing because in that book Ponyboy and Johnny were reading the book Gone with the Wind they read about a depressing story which explained how two brave soldiers lost their lives. This might be sad to show how a lot of brave people die for no reason or for an injustice. This is very sad to them and a little to me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling (“ outsiders”) , and grammar (“ This is very sad to them and a little to me. ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Have you ever read a book called The Outsiders? How about Gone With the Wind, or the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost. Well I’ve only read one and that was The Outsider. This book touched my heart when I read it. The book tells the life as a Greaser. The main character named Ponyboy Curtis is the person the book focuses on more. Unlike other greasers, he is educated and sensitive. He still goes to school and is planning to graduate high school. Who knows what the future holds for the hopeful teen.

Ponyboy also likes to read, write, and watch movies. He said he always wanted to be like Paul Newman, a famous movie star. His favorite book to read is Gone With the Wind. Unfortunately, he never finished it. He goes to High School and is on the A track team. His life is not perfect for he lost something very important to him.

At a young age Ponyboy lost something very important to him, he lost his parents. His parents lost their life in a horrible car accident. This was a terrible lost for Ponyboy and his two older brothers, Darry and Soda. Darry, the olderst, has been left the responsibility to take care of his younger brothers. One problem if the boys get in trouble, they would be sent to a refomatory or a boy’s home.

In my opinon i think this book is both optamistic and pessimistic,but thats only me other people have different opinons.I couldn’t really tell much as other characters.Personally i think Pony is the most opptimistic while the other characters don’t show much.So basically i can’t tell if this book shows hope or not.It’s just an opinon,you’ll would have to read the book and find out yourself.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“This book touched my heart when I read it. The book tells the life as a Greaser. The main character named Ponyboy Curtis is the person the book focuses on more. Unlike other greasers, he is educated and sensitive. He still goes to school and is planning to graduate high school. Who knows what the future holds for the hopeful teen. ”), but it is not fully developed. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the text. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ In my opinon i think this book is both optamistic and pessimistic,but thats only me other people have different opinons.I couldn’t really tell much as other characters ”), but they lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide a basic analysis of the text, it is not fully developed or detailed. For example, in the introductory paragraph the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“Well I’ve only read one and that was The Outsider. This book touched my heart when I read it. The book tells the life as a Greaser. The main character named Ponyboy Curtis is the person the book focuses on more. ”) The author fails to explain whether or not he/she thinks the novel is optimistic or pessimistic. In the conclusion, the author tries to make a connection to the text, but it comes across to the reader as off-topic. (“I couldn’t really tell much as other characters.Personally i think Pony is the most opptimistic while the other characters don’t show much.So basically i can’t tell if this book shows hope or not.It’s just an opinon,you’ll would have to read the book and find out yourself.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it also acts as the first body paragraph. The two body paragraphs are short and underdeveloped. This essay contains a conclusion, but it is simple and confusing to the reader.

Language Use & Style

Although the use of language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“At a young age Ponyboy lost something very important to him, he lost his parents. His parents lost their life in a horrible car accident. This was a terrible lost for Ponyboy and his two older brothers, Darry and Soda. Darry, the olderst, has been left the responsibility to take care of his younger brothers.”) The sentence structure is adequate and varied, but there is minimal evidence of voice. (“Ponyboy also likes to read, write, and watch movies. He said he always wanted to be like Paul Newman, a famous movie star. His favorite book to read is Gone With the Wind. Unfortunately, he never finished it. He goes to High School and is on the A track team. His life is not perfect for he lost something very important to him. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“reformatory”) , grammar (“ It’s just an opinon,you’ll would have to read the book and find out yourself.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

How did I feel as I read S.E. H intons riveting novel The Outsiders?Although this book had both funny and depressing moments,I found it mostly sad because people were racist because one was richer than the other.It is also sad because they dont have no family,there parenants got into a car crash so now he has to live with his brothers.

Onather reason I think this story is sad is because they arent very rich and they cant afford a nice house.There house is all ugly.Two of the brothers have to share a bed.The older brother is always yelling at ponyboy saying that he wants him to go to college.Ponyboy is a real smart kid and he is always reading and he has good grades in school.His teacher at school chose him to pick a topic for school and he chose to write about every thing that happend in that week.That week his bestfriend jonny died in the hospital,and his other friend died because he pointed a gun at the cops so the cops shot him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay struggles to establish a central idea (“Although this book had both funny and depressing moments,I found it mostly sad because people were racist because one was richer than the other.It is also sad because they dont have no family,there parenants got into a car crash so now he has to live with his brothers. ”), and it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to be detailed, although the author does attempt to make a connection between the text and task. This shows that the writer does not fully understand the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author briefly relays ideas related to the thesis, but the author needs to go into detail in order to convince the reader. (“Onather reason I think this story is sad is because they arent very rich and they cant afford a nice house.There house is all ugly.Two of the brothers have to share a bed.”) There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The introduction (“ How did I feel as I read S.E. H intons riveting novel The Outsiders?Although this book had both funny and depressing moments,I found it mostly sad because people were racist because one was richer than the other.It is also sad because they dont have no family,there parenants got into a car crash so now he has to live with his brothers. ”) and simple body paragraph lack focus; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses simple language to address his/her audience. (“The older brother is always yelling at ponyboy saying that he wants him to go to college.Ponyboy is a real smart kid and he is always reading and he has good grades in school.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate. (“ His teacher at school chose him to pick a topic for school and he chose to write about every thing that happend in that week.That week his bestfriend jonny died in the hospital,and his other friend died because he pointed a gun at the cops so the cops shot him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Errors in spelling (“happend”) , grammar (“ It is also sad because they dont have no family,there parenants got into a car crash so now he has to live with his brothers.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

How did i feel as i read S.E. hinton’s riveting and heartbreaking novel , the outsiders ? although this book had both funny and despessing moments i found it mostly sad. menton both gone with the wind and “nothing gold can stay . Involves how much effectsit has on the novel that they published of the outsiders . If u found the outsiders sad , then write this. Even though other people still say that the outsiders has lots of entertaning parts , i still consider it an extremely heart breaking book . For examples , three boys did not have to die . guess what ? Teens need more positive literature like harriet tubman .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this short, almost incoherent response, the author briefly establishes a controlling idea but fails to elaborate on it. (“although this book had both funny and despessing moments i found it mostly sad. menton both gone with the wind and “nothing gold can stay . Involves how much effectsit has on the novel that they published of the outsiders .”) The author has no understanding of the purpose or the audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author attempts to state a thesis and support it, but he/she fails to use any relevant details from the text. (“Even though other people still say that the outsiders has lots of entertaning parts , i still consider it an extremely heart breaking book . For examples , three boys did not have to die .”) It seems as though the author has taken most of his/her information from directions for the writing task. (“If u found the outsiders sad , then write this.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction (“How did i feel as i read S.E. hinton’s riveting and heartbreaking novel , the outsiders ? although this book had both funny and despessing moments i found it mostly sad. menton both gone with the wind and “nothing gold can stay . Involves how much effectsit has on the novel that they published of the outsiders”) but lacks body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“Even though other people still say that the outsiders has lots of entertaning parts , i still consider it an extremely heart breaking book . For examples , three boys did not have to die . guess what ? Teens need more positive literature like harriet tubman .”) The author, however, shows no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows that the student has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. There are major errors in spelling (“despessing”), grammar (“menton both gone with the wind and “nothing gold can stay .”), and punctuation.

The Giver by Lois Lowry

After experiencing the feeling of love from the Giver and his memories, Jonas thought about the way life must have been when there was love and realized it was probably a "dangerous way to live." Think about what Jonas meant. What was "dangerous" about that kind of life, and what was a "safe" life like? What were the advantages and disadvantages of each choice?

Write an essay in which you either support or criticize Jonas's decision to escape the community in light of the choice he made between a safe life and a dangerous one.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Giver," by Lois Lowry, is a book about a utopian society -- about people who live in a "perfect" world. A Receiver, who alone is responsible for the decisions of the entire community, is trained to hold the memories of the people. He alone can feel pain, sadness, joy, and anger, and even see colors. In this story Jonas, the Receiver in Training, discovers a completely different way of life than his own, a life where there are feelings and choices. Learning about this life, Jonas finds out what a "dangerous" way of life it is, and how "safe" life in the community really is. Ultimately, his choice, a "safe" or "dangerous" life, will affect the community forever.

The utopians had chosen for themselves a "safe" life, an easy life. In their community there was no pain, poverty, fear, or conflict. However, in their community there is no love, freedom, or real honesty, and there are no choices. As Jonas discovered, life in the community has no value. When he realized how wrong this was, this, more than anything else, affected his decision to leave the community. By his leaving, the memories Jonas had been trained to hold were thrust back upon the people, solving the problem that the utopians themselves had created while attempting to protect themselves from these "dangers." They denied themselves a life with meaning. They were trapped in a "safe," purposeless life.

In some ways it seems silly to spend so much time talking about personal choices, because, after all, the utopians had no free choices. All decisions were made through a committee or by the Receiver in the community. Likewise, it sounds heartless to thrust feelings and memories; good and bad, right and wrong, upon the utopians. Despite everything, should it not be their choice? Perhaps it should have been, but in the community individual members could not make choices! The Receiver alone could do this. Giving back the memories and feelings to the people was really the right and responsible thing to do.

Love is a "dangerous" way of life, in comparison to the "safe" life discussed above. It demands attachment, and attachment leads to vulnerability. Being vulnerable is dangerous, but not as dangerous as the "safe" life lived by the Utopians. Through his training, Jonas begins to lead a very dangerous life. His actions and feelings, in many ways, reflect this. The right choice is seldom an "easy" choice, or an easy thing to do. In "The Giver," Lois Lowry exemplifies this.

"So if you escape, once you are gone -- and, Jonas, you know that you can never return --"

Jonas nodded solemnly. It was the terrifying part. "Yes," he said, I know."

For Jonas the choice was no different.

Jonas, in escaping the community, did the right thing. After realizing that the community had chosen the "easy" route, the wrong route, he did what was perhaps the only thing he could do to correct their mistakes. Taking responsibility for the entire community, he decided to what was right, not what was easy. Leaving was the hard choice, the truly dangerous choice. The right choice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“Learning about this life, Jonas finds out what a "dangerous" way of life it is, and how "safe" life in the community really is. Ultimately, his choice, a "safe" or "dangerous" life, will affect the community forever. ”) By using a focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the story and the themes that are being compared and contrasted. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the novel is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of textual details and examples and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The author expertly chooses examples from the text which support his/her thesis. (“Through his training, Jonas begins to lead a very dangerous life. His actions and feelings, in many ways, reflect this. The right choice is seldom an "easy" choice, or an easy thing to do. In "The Giver," Lois Lowry exemplifies this." So if you escape, once you are gone -- and, Jonas, you know that you can never return --"”) This student goes beyond superficial interpretation and treats the reader to an in-depth analysis that uses support from the text.

Organization

The essay is organized very effectively. The introduction is well-developed, and it immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“"The Giver," by Lois Lowry, is a book about a utopian society -- about people who live in a "perfect" world ”). The body paragraphs are detailed and well-supported. The conclusion effectively reiterates the author’s thesis. (“ After realizing that the community had chosen the "easy" route, the wrong route, he did what was perhaps the only thing he could do to correct their mistakes. Taking responsibility for the entire community, he decided to what was right, not what was easy. Leaving was the hard choice, the truly dangerous choice. The right choice. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer composes this essay using very effective, stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“By his leaving, the memories Jonas had been trained to hold were thrust back upon the people, solving the problem that the utopians themselves had created while attempting to protect themselves from these "dangers." They denied themselves a life with meaning. They were trapped in a "safe," purposeless life. ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ Love is a "dangerous" way of life, in comparison to the "safe" life discussed above. It demands attachment, and attachment leads to vulnerability. Being vulnerable is dangerous, but not as dangerous as the "safe" life lived by the Utopians. Through his training, Jonas begins to lead a very dangerous life.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. Very few, if any, errors are evident in this well-written piece, but they do not detract from the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought about living in a community without love, memories, or feelings? In the story The Giver by Lois Lowry Jonas is starting to figure out that he whole community doesn't have those things. I think that Jonas's decision to leave the community was a good thing, because everybody should have memories and feelings. First, Jonas didn't want to live in a community without choices-a world of sameness. Second of all, he wanted to have feelings and love in the community, so people can have real feelings for each other. In conclusion, Jonas chose to live a "dangerous" life by saving Gabriel, and not live a "safe" life with sameness.

First of all, Jonas wanted to have freedom of choice, and wanted everyone in the community to see colors. For example Jonas said,"But I want them!" And he said, "If everything is the same, then there aren't any choices! I want to wake up in the morning and decide things!" This means that Jonas realized that even small choices like choosing colors for your clothing is important, because it makes them who they are. Also one of the memories that Jonas received was a memory of a child being celebrated on his birthday. Now Jonas realized that when you're living a "dangerous" life, every person sometime in the year gets singled out on his or her birthday. Now that Jonas knew about the things they could do with this kind of life he wanted a lot of things to change in the community.

Jonas now found out about choices, he also found out about feelings and mostly love. For example one day Jonas asked his mother if she loved him, and they said that word was an incorrect way to say it. And Jonas knew that even if they said that they loved him it wouldn't be real. This means that Jonas knew that the whole community had no feelings, and if his mother said that she was sad it was all not real. He knew that because he had experienced real sadness before. Jonas wanted people to have choices, and how he wanted everyone to have memories and feelings. This means that the whole community doesn't have colors, feelings, or memories, and Jonas wanted to change that. Now he had to do something to get the colors, feelings, and memories back.

Last of all, Jonas saved Gabriel from being released from his father. He did it because he shared memories with him and they had a bond. " Even I voted for Gabriel's released when we had the meeting this afternoon," said his father. This meant that Gabriel will be released, and Jonas really cared about him, because he gave memories to Gabriel to help him go to sleep. So Jonas and Gabriel had a bond like no one else. Another example is that Jonas wanted Gabriel to have a life where he can choose his own things. This meant that by Jonas leaving the community with Gabriel, Jonas would be taking himself and Gabriel to elsewhere where they can make their own choices.

In the end he and Gabriel found elsewhere, where they can choose things, and have feelings and memories. They won't need to be worried about colors or choices, because all of the community will feel and see those things. Now that they have reached elsewhere, they can have those things, and now they can be happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“I think that Jonas's decision to leave the community was a good thing, because everybody should have memories and feelings. First, Jonas didn't want to live in a community without choices-a world of sameness. Second of all, he wanted to have feelings and love in the community, so people can have real feelings for each other. In conclusion, Jonas chose to live a "dangerous" life by saving Gabriel, and not live a "safe" life with sameness.”) and completes a thorough analysis of the text. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text and the task. By comparing and contrasting viewpoints, the author accurately proves his/her point that Jonas should have left to live a “dangerous life.”

Content & Development

The author of this essay develops a thorough analysis of the novel. The author cites directly from the text to support his/her particular stance and to allow the reader to fully understand the story. (“First of all, Jonas wanted to have freedom of choice, and wanted everyone in the community to see colors. For example Jonas said,"But I want them!" And he said, "If everything is the same, then there aren't any choices! I want to wake up in the morning and decide things!" This means that Jonas realized that even small choices like choosing colors for your clothing is important, because it makes them who they are.”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ Jonas now found out about choices, he also found out about feelings and mostly love. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion discusses the end of the novel, but it fails to reiterate the thesis and have a significant effect on the reader. (“ In the end he and Gabriel found elsewhere, where they can choose things, and have feelings and memories. They won't need to be worried about colors or choices, because all of the community will feel and see those things. Now that they have reached elsewhere, they can have those things, and now they can be happy.”)

Language Use & Style

The author exhibits very appropriate word choice, and the essay has some evidence of voice. The author uses varied sentence structure and demonstrates an awareness of his/her audience through an in-depth discussion of the story. (“ This means that Jonas knew that the whole community had no feelings, and if his mother said that she was sad it was all not real. He knew that because he had experienced real sadness before. Jonas wanted people to have choices, and how he wanted everyone to have memories and feelings. This means that the whole community doesn't have colors, feelings, or memories, and Jonas wanted to change that. Now he had to do something to get the colors, feelings, and memories back.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates effective control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Very few errors in spelling , grammar (“ Jonas wanted people to have choices, and how he wanted everyone to have memories and feelings.”) , and punctuation are noticeable, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I felt that Luis Lowry was trying to say that there are many choices in life but its up to you to decide them wisely I also believe that the author thought that choices, love, and feelings was a better way to live life. I thought that it was an important decision for Jonas to make, whether he should stay or if he should have left. There were many disadvantages and many advantages. For example, feelings, love, caring, colors, and choices.

I believe that freedom of choice is important to Jonas because he was never given any options in the community. As he started to experience the freedom of choice he thought twice before he did it. First of all he didn't want to live in a world of sameness he wanted to become an individual and to be able to express his emotions. The many disadvantages of having freedom of choice is making the wrong choice and causing pain and conflict from the wrong choices. The upside of having choices is that you decide what to do and how to do it.

Second of all, by leaving the community Jonas can experience feelings. For example, when Jonas mom said "I feel sad today". She didn't mean it because she couldn't experience emotions or feelings. I felt that Jonas's mother wished she could experience feelings because she pretended to have feelings. For example, they felt no hunger, fun, or pain, ect. The community was always told what to do. I felt they had no control of there life and were always told what to do and when to do it. Another example, in elsewhere, Jonas could love his family and care for one another if things were different.

Most importantly, I thought that Jonas left the community was mainly because of Gabriel. Jonas had learned to care and love Gabriel, he had feelings for him. For example, when Jonas discovered that Gabriel become released. I think that Gabriel and Jonas may have been related in some way. Another example, there eyes signified something. Jonas learned that having choices was a big responsibility and that he must except his fate.

I think that Jonas learned alot from the memories and the giver.He learned the significance of life and that the price of life is priceless and also that its up to you to make the right choice and make a difference.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt and has an understanding of the task. (“ I felt that Luis Lowry was trying to say that there are many choices in life but its up to you to decide them wisely I also believe that the author thought that choices, love, and feelings was a better way to live life. I thought that it was an important decision for Jonas to make, whether he should stay or if he should have left. There were many disadvantages and many advantages. For example, feelings, love, caring, colors, and choices.”) This response offers a brief analysis, but it fails to argue whether Jonas was right in choosing the “dangerous life.”

Content & Development

The author supports his/her controlling idea with some specific, accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes the thesis, and the body paragraphs demonstrate the author’s understanding of the text. However, the author does not go into enough detail and does not fully state an opinion as is required by the prompt. (“I believe that freedom of choice is important to Jonas because he was never given any options in the community. As he started to experience the freedom of choice he thought twice before he did it. First of all he didn't want to live in a world of sameness he wanted to become an individual and to be able to express his emotions. The many disadvantages of having freedom of choice is making the wrong choice and causing pain and conflict from the wrong choices.”)

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph engages t he reader and develops the necessary background information for the essay . The body parag raphs are adequately structured, but they could benefit from the addition of details. The concluding paragraph should further elaborate the author’s opinion on the text, but it fails to do so. (“I think that Jonas learned alot from the memories and the giver.He learned the significance of life and that the price of life is priceless and also that its up to you to make the right choice and make a difference.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most of the author’s word choices are appropriate. (“I believe that freedom of choice is important to Jonas because he was never given any options in the community. As he started to experience the freedom of choice he thought twice before he did it. First of all he didn't want to live in a world of sameness he wanted to become an individual and to be able to express his emotions. ”) Most sentences use correct structure, but they lack variety, as is evidenced by these short repetitive sentences. (“I think that Jonas learned alot from the memories and the giver.He learned the significance of life and that the price of life is priceless and also that its up to you to make the right choice and make a difference.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling, and grammar (“ that he must except his fate. ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the Giver by Lois lowry,Jonas learning that he can't see colors until the Giver who was the only one to receive memories and to feel different feelings like love,hurt,and sadness. First Jonas didn't want to live in world without decisions and in a world of sameness,second Jonas wanted to live in a life on a peeper loved with an feeling and especially love. Third Gabriel wanted to save Jonas from a meaning of love.

First of all when Jonas wanted to have Freedom of choice in the community there has no choice. In the community there was no choices only sameness. For example when Jonas began to see colors he said to the Giver "But I want them" and " it's everything the same", then there aren't an choices. This means the Jonas realized that even small choices like color choosing what color you would wear is important because it is more existing. Another example is when Jonas realized what choices are allowed the joy of being an "Individual" special and uiquepround. Another reason, of Jonas realizing the important of choices is when he understand the joy of being the new receiver. This means that even small choices like what to wear in important to expressing who you are your uniguess. In conclusion Jonas after expressing choices could no longer.

Second of all Jonas needed to leave the community to the and in a world without any choices and a world that is always the same.For example when its mother said that she felt sad, then Jonas knew that she didn't know what she was thinking about.

Jonas left the community to save Gabriel from being released.Love parents when Jonas asked his parents if they loved him or not and they said what kind or use proper language and don't use that word again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“In the Giver by Lois lowry,Jonas learning that he can't see colors until the Giver who was the only one to receive memories and to feel different feelings like love,hurt,and sadness. First Jonas didn't want to live in world without decisions and in a world of sameness,second Jonas wanted to live in a life on a peeper loved with an feeling and especially love. Third Gabriel wanted to save Jonas from a meaning of love. ”), but it is not fully developed nor does it state an opinion as is asked in the prompt. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the text. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ Second of all Jonas needed to leave the community to the and in a world without any choices and a world that is always the same.For example when its mother said that she felt sad, then Jonas knew that she didn't know what she was thinking about. ”), but these connections lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide a basic analysis of the text, it is not fully developed or detailed. In the introductory paragraph, the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“First Jonas didn't want to live in world without decisions and in a world of sameness,second Jonas wanted to live in a life on a peeper loved with an feeling and especially love. Third Gabriel wanted to save Jonas from a meaning of love. ”) The author fails to explain whether or not he/she supports Jonas’ decision to live a “dangerous life.” In the conclusion, the author continues to discuss the story, instead of restating the thesis and stating an opinion. (“ Jonas left the community to save Gabriel from being released.Love parents when Jonas asked his parents if they loved him or not and they said what kind or use proper language and don't use that word again.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The author includes an introduction and one well-developed body paragraph with support from the text (“ For example when Jonas began to see colors he said to the Giver "But I want them" and " it's everything the same", then there aren't an choices. This means the Jonas realized that even small choices like color choosing what color you would wear is important because it is more existing.”), but the essay then falls short with two underdeveloped body paragraphs. This essay fails to contain a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The use of language in this response is limited and, at times, extremely difficult to understand. (“This means that even small choices like what to wear in important to expressing who you are your uniguess. In conclusion Jonas after expressing choices could no longer.”) The sentence structure is adequate and varied, but there is minimal evidence of voice. (“Jonas left the community to save Gabriel from being released.Love parents when Jonas asked his parents if they loved him or not and they said what kind or use proper language and don't use that word again.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates very little control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. There are several, noticeable errors in spelling (“uiquepround.”) , grammar (“ Another reason, of Jonas realizing the important of choices is when he understand the joy of being the new receiver.”) , and punctuation, and they interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The world is full with pain and suffering. In The Giver by Lois Lowry there is community that has no pain or suffering, but they also have no love or feelings for one another. Who would want to be in a community that has no love or feelings? Since the beginning of time there has been pain and suffering,and that will never change in the world. In The Giver there is no pain or feelings, but this boy Jonas will soon find out that he would want to feel loved, feelings, and even pain and suffering.

First of all, Jonas was in a community with no love or pain hat had no love or feeling. Jonas was just like a normal kid, but he became the new reicever and things started to get different for him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a central idea (“Since the beginning of time there has been pain and suffering,and that will never change in the world. In The Giver there is no pain or feelings, but this boy Jonas will soon find out that he would want to feel loved, feelings, and even pain and suffering. ”), but it is not supported in the following paragraph. This response fails to be detailed, although the author does attempt to make a connection between the text and task. This shows that the writer does not fully understand the audience or the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author briefly relays ideas related to the thesis, but he/she never establishes an opinion as is required by the prompt. (“First of all, Jonas was in a community with no love or pain hat had no love or feeling. Jonas was just like a normal kid, but he became the new reicever and things started to get different for him.”) There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The introduction (“ The world is full with pain and suffering. In The Giver by Lois Lowry there is community that has no pain or suffering, but they also have no love or feelings for one another. Who would want to be in a community that has no love or feelings? ”) is well-developed, but the simple body paragraph lacks focus; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses adequate language, has a sense of voice, and addresses the audience in this brief response. (“ The world is full with pain and suffering. In The Giver by Lois Lowry there is community that has no pain or suffering, but they also have no love or feelings for one another. Who would want to be in a community that has no love or feelings? Since the beginning of time there has been pain and suffering,and that will never change in the world. In The Giver there is no pain or feelings, but this boy Jonas will soon find out that he would want to feel loved, feelings, and even pain and suffering.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates adequate control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Errors in spelling (“reicever”) , grammar (“ First of all, Jonas was in a community with no love or pain hat had no love or feeling.”) , and punctuation do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I dont Thing that joanas should have left the community. Inthe comunity he has friends and family. He has nobody . No one like him in big city world he has to fend for himself and there are more dangers like robers terrorists and stray animals roming around but in the community there is none of that. In the comunity Joanas Got his foods delivered to him but now he has to get his own food and with out food he will die.

So that is why he shouldnt have left the community.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this short, almost incoherent response, the author briefly establishes a controlling idea but fails to elaborate on it. (“I dont Thing that joanas should have left the community.”) The author has no understanding of the purpose or audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author attempts to state a thesis, but the support he/she uses is minimal and borders on off-topic. (“He has nobody . No one like him in big city world he has to fend for himself and there are more dangers like robers terrorists and stray animals roming around but in the community there is none of that.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction (“I dont Thing that joanas should have left the community. Inthe comunity he has friends and family. He has nobody . No one like him in big city world he has to fend for himself and there are more dangers like robers terrorists and stray animals roming around but in the community there is none of that. In the comunity Joanas Got his foods delivered to him but now he has to get his own food and with out food he will die. ”) but lacks body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“He has nobody . No one like him in big city world he has to fend for himself and there are more dangers like robers terrorists and stray animals roming around but in the community there is none of that. In the comunity Joanas Got his foods delivered to him but now he has to get his own food and with out food he will die.”) However, the author shows no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows that the student has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. There are major errors in spelling (“comunity”), grammar (“In the comunity Joanas Got his foods delivered to him but now he has to get his own food and with out food he will die. ”), and punctuation. These errors severely interfere with the communication of the message.

“The Highwayman” by Alfred Noyes

After studying Alfred Noyes's poem, "The Highwayman," write an essay in which you analyze the author's message. Focus your writing on several clear images from the poem and be sure to discuss how the characters' actions and the poet's language reveal the author's message.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This tragic poem is one of the best sources to teach people about what true love really is. In the poem "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes, the author uses the characters to display a clear message. In the poem the highwayman comes to an inn, and falls in love with the landlord's daughter, and then sets off to get gold, to return rich to the landlord's daughter. While he is gone, redcoats come, and wait to kill him, and the landlord's daughter, Bess, shoots herself to warn the highwayman to not come near. The author uses all the character's acts and clear images to display a message of how important love is to people, and what true love really is. After analyzing the poem, it is clear that he displays this message by first showing how much Bess and the highway man are in love, then by having Bess kill herself to warn the highwayman of danger, and finally when the highwayman rides into certain death for revenge of Bess's death.

At the beginning of the poem, the author explains how much Bess and the highwayman love each other. One way the author shows this is when the highwayman promises to come back with gold for Bess. "... I shall be back with yellow gold before the morning light" In this part of the poem, the author explains that the highwayman wants to have money to be able to support Bess and himself, so they can go off somewhere together. The author shows that he is willing to work all day, just to be able to bring some gold back. "Yet, if they press me sharply ... through the day," Just after the highwayman promises gold for Bess, he also explains how difficult it will be to get the gold. This statement by the highway man is used by the author to prove that he is willing to do anything for the love of his life, Bess. Bess's love for the highwayman, is presented before they even start to talk. "Bess ... plaiting a dark red love knot into her long black hair." The author uses this metaphor to show that Bess is falling in love with the highwayman. This quote also shows that Bess will never be able to break away from her love for the highwayman. Since the author shows the devote love between Bess and the highwayman, it makes the message much more vivid.

Bess's true love for the highway man is tested when she must face a life-death situation, as redcoats invade the inn. "...they gagged his daughter, and bound her, to the foot of her narrow bed." In this quote the author shows that Betsy was being tied down by the evil redcoats. This shows that Bess is being tied down because she would go to tell the highwayman otherwise. "She withered her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!" During this time Bess is trying to loosen the ropes around her, so that in some way she would be able to warn the highwayman. She is even bleeding while she is tugging at the ropes so hard, and so determined to save the life of the person she loves so much. "The trigger at least was hers!" The author writes this to show that Bess's whole goal was to be able to grab the trigger of the musket meant to keep her quite and still. He shows that Bess is completely determined to do whatever it takes to warn the highwayman. "Her musket shattered in the moonlight, ... and warned him with her death." This is a very tragic part of the poem where the author explains that Bess gave her own life, to warn the highwayman of danger. He shows that true love means being willing to do anything to save the person you love, and how very important this love is to Bess. She warned him with killing herself, but the highwayman had no idea that it was she that had been killed.

In the next part of the story, the highwayman shows his love for Bess, and how he will go to any lengths to avenge her. Though Bess did warn him of the danger, he had no idea that she had been killed. "Not till dawn he heard it, ... How, Bess the landlord's daughter, ... Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in darkness there." This part of the poem shows how horrible this news was coming to the highwayman. When someone had shot to warn him, he was so thankful, but when he noticed the shot meant the death of the love of his life he was in utter dispair. The author uses this to show that the highway man was so truly in love with Bess, and how he wanted his revenge. "Back, he spurred like a madman ... wine- red was his velvet coat; When they shot him down on the highway," This part of the story is the author's way of showing the complete love he had for Bess. He loved her so much that he was willing to ride into certain death, because he wanted so badly revenge for her life. Even though the highwayman knows he will die, he did his best to kill the people who captured Bess, then he will be able to know he tried his very best. The highwayman has such love that he rode into inevitable death just to avenge the love of his life.

This poem is incredibly written with a strong message. The author uses the character's actions and vivid images to display a message of what true love really is, and what people will do because of it. The author supports this message by showing the loving relationship between Bess and the highwayman, then by Bess's actions to warn the highwayman, and finally by the highwayman's noble charge into the enemy. In this tragic poem, the author does incredibly at giving people something to think about, what does having true love really mean to them?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea, which also clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“ The author uses all the character's acts and clear images to display a message of how important love is to people, and what true love really is. After analyzing the poem, it is clear that he displays this message by first showing how much Bess and the highway man are in love, then by having Bess kill herself to warn the highwayman of danger, and finally when the highwayman rides into certain death for revenge of Bess's death.”) Through this focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate an understanding of the lesson the poem illustrates. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the poem is very thorough and accurate. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. For example, he/she not only cites quotes directly from the poem, but also explains and interprets the passages. (“ In this part of the poem, the author explains that the highwayman wants to have money to be able to support Bess and himself, so they can go off somewhere together. The author shows that he is willing to work all day, just to be able to bring some gold back.”) The student goes beyond superficial interpretation to an in-depth analysis using support from the text. (“’Bess ... plaiting a dark red love knot into her long black hair.’ The author uses this metaphor to show that Bess is falling in love with the highwayman. This quote also shows that Bess will never be able to break away from her love for the highwayman.”)

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed. It immediately engages the reader with its first sentence (“ This tragic poem is one of the best sources to teach people about what true love really is.”) and proceeds to develop a well-structured and focused thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence and, where appropriate, a transitional device. (“In the next part of the story, the highwayman shows his love for Bess, and how he will go to any lengths to avenge her.”) The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s position and finally leaves the reader with something to ponder. (“In this tragic poem, the author does incredibly at giving people something to think about, what does having true love really mean to them?”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“ The highwayman has such love that he rode into inevitable death just to avenge the love of his life.”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“At the beginning of the poem, the author explains how much Bess and the highwayman love each other. One way the author shows this is when the highwayman promises to come back with gold for Bess.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although a few errors in mechanics and conventions do exist (“despair”), these mistakes do not detract from the intended message in any way.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Alfred Noyes's haunting poem, "The Highwayman", establishes the love between two people; Bess, a landlord's daughter, and the highwayman. In this poem, Noyes illustrates the importance of sacrificial love; and the evil consequences of jealousy, hate, and revenge. These themes, portrayed in Noyes poem, are also used by other writers . One of the most popular plays in which these themes appear, is Shakespeare's '"Romeo and Juliet."I will discuss one connection between the two later in this analysis.

The following is a brief synopsis of the poem; begining with the description of the landscape and the introduction of the highwayman as he rides to an inn door. He taps at the window sill, whistles a tune, and the landlord's daughter, Bess, answers by opening the shutters. The highwayman tells Bess that he is "after a prize tonight" and will come back, either by dawn or the next night, with gold. They kiss goodbye, and he rides "into the West." All this was overheard by a stable boy who also is in love with Bess. It is assumed, in the poem, that it was he who told the redcoats about these nightly meetings, which, ultimately initiated the tragic ending. Part two of the Highwayman describes the deaths of the doomed lovers.This poem ends with the implication that, in legend, the spirits of the highwayman and Bess still live.

Noyes begins this story with several metaphors which immediately set an atmosphere of darkness and of premonition. Throughout this foreboding poem are threaded some literary devices; such as repetition, creating a rythmic effect, " The Highwayman came riding--riding--riding--the highwayman came riding up to the old inn-door." Some alliterations, i.e., " he whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there,..." Some similes such as " dumb as a dog he listened." Some personifications such as "there was death at every window, and hell at one dark window..." An example of onomotopoeia, " tlot-tlot-tlot", in addition to the examples of the colloquial speech of the characters. These examples provide a great amount of depth to the writing, making it interesting and thought provoking.

An interesting connection that I discovered concerning Romeo and Juliet and the Highwayman, is that the lovers are separated in ways that they are not in control of. In the Highwayman, I believe the lovers were separated due to their occupations and social standing, because Bess was the innkeeper's daughter whereas the higwayman could be of a higher class. It says in the poem that his clothes, "which fitted with never a wrinkle", were made of a "claret velvet" amd "doe skin" which implied that they were custom made and expensive.

I enjoyed this poem from the beginning to the end. The haunting tone is a premonition of the tragedy that will come to pass in the dramatic ending. Like Romeo and Juliet, this poem is a romantic tragedy. The themes of sacrificial love, revenge, hatred and jealousy, common to both writings, are themes that readers and writers are familiar with today as well as in the past.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“In this poem, Noyes illustrates the importance of sacrificial love; and the evil consequences of jealousy, hate, and revenge.”) and completes a thorough analysis of this text. Towards the end of this response, the author even takes the focus a step further and begins to compare “The Highwayman” to Romeo and Juliet . In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the poem and the assigned task.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the novel. For example, in the third paragraph, the author discusses all of the literary techniques Noyes used to create a dark atmosphere. However, the student doesn’t simply state what he does, but he uses quotes from the poem to precisely show what this poet did. (“ Throughout this foreboding poem are threaded some literary devices; such as repetition, creating a rythmic effect, ‘ The Highwayman came riding--riding--riding--the highwayman came riding up to the old inn-door.’”)

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. However, the organization could be further improved by moving the controlling idea (“ In this poem, Noyes illustrates the importance of sacrificial love; and the evil consequences of jealousy, hate, and revenge.”) to the end of the introductory paragraph. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“Noyes begins this story with several metaphors which immediately set an atmosphere of darkness and of premonition.”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection between this poem and Romeo and Juliet.

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“The haunting tone is a premonition of the tragedy that will come to pass in the dramatic ending.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied. (“It is assumed, in the poem, that it was he who told the redcoats about these nightly meetings, which, ultimately initiated the tragic ending.”) This essay obviously exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in conventions and mechanics , the mistakes in spelling (“beginning”), grammar, and punctuation (“which, “) are few and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The shows how a man goes for his love while someone is listening. In the poem "The Highwayman" Alfred Noyes poem has many messages. The main message is people do stupid things when they are in love. Some examples of this are Tom telling the redcoats to come at moon light, Bess, the land lords daughters, shooting herself for her love, and the highwayman acting like a mad man after the tragic incedent of Bess sacrificing her body.

Tom told on the Highwayman because he loved Bess. He thought if he got rid of the Highwayman Bess would love him. Tim loved her and wanted to get rid of him so he told the redcoats he would be their by moonlight. The reason I know this is when the author wrote "Tim the ostler listened... he loved the landlord's daughter." Tim probably told the redcoats when the highwayman would be back so they could catch him. Even though Bess loved the Highwayman, Tim was greedy and told the men this caused a loose, loose situation. In some cases it is all right to tell but Tim knew she loved him. Tim was jealous and it is not right to tell if hr is jealous given the fact someone could die if he tells. I can relate to this when my friend got blamed when he was innocent john got in trouble for two weeks and lost all his privileges, this was all because he was better all around person.

When the troops came to the door, they tied Bess with a gun beneath her breast. At the time the highwayman came riding in the moonlight Bess pulled her own musket trigger to help warn the highwayman all from love. "Her finger moved in the moonlight. Her musket shattered the moon light."Bess knew what she was doing but to save the man she loved she sacrificed her own body. She loved him so much she would go to the end of the wold to save him. In my baseball experience this is a sacrifice bunt. For the benefit of the team and the player on base someone has to sacrifice their hit to move a player into scoring position even though someone is unhappy the team has a better chance to win the game and make a point.

Near the end of the poem this problems go wrong. The highwayman acted like a lunatic after Bess sacrificed herself. "Back he spurred like a madman, shouting curses to the sky, " the author states. This did no good to the situation. All he did was make himself more venerable for capture. In life this is related to when people do not eat, this dose nothing to help the sad person just makes him hungry. Probably like in the story he is mad or sad and is taking it out on himself.

This entire story interesting and important, but the way people react to an incedent such as Tom telling the redcoats to come at moon light form jealousy, Bess shooting herself out of love, and the highwayman acting like a mad man after the tragic incedent of Bess sacrificing her body.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops an answer to the prompt that demonstrates an understanding of the task. (“ The main message is people do stupid things when they are in love. Some examples of this are Tom telling the redcoats to come at moon light, Bess, the land lords daughters, shooting herself for her love, and the highwayman acting like a mad man after the tragic incedent of Bess sacrificing her body.”) However, he/she is not as successful in supporting the thesis and developing ideas. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some implied connections between the task and the text.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the second paragraph, the author describes how he inferred that the redcoats were tipped off by Tim by using clues directly from the text. (“ Tim loved her and wanted to get rid of him so he told the redcoats he would be their by moonlight. The reason I know this is when the author wrote ‘Tim the ostler listened... he loved the landlord's daughter.’ Tim probably told the redcoats when the highwayman would be back so they could catch him.”) The third paragraph also tries to use quotes to further support the controlling idea. (“’Her finger moved in the moonlight. Her musket shattered the moon light.’Bess knew what she was doing but to save the man she loved she sacrificed her own body.”)

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph lacks a method to engage the reader, but does develop an outline for the rest of the essay. Each body paragraph is adequately structured, but could be further improved with more focused topic sentences and transitional devices. The concluding paragraph is noticeable and attempts to sum up the main points of the essay. However, it could be improved through clarification and further elaboration. (“ This entire story interesting and important, but the way people react to an incedent such as Tom telling the redcoats to come at moon light form jealousy, Bess shooting herself out of love, and the highwayman acting like a mad man after the tragic incedent of Bess sacrificing her body.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is adequate and appropriate (“ to save the man she loved she sacrificed her own body.”), but some is questionable (“people do stupid things”). Most sentences use correct structure and show some variety, but some run-ons are discernable. (“I can relate to this when my friend got blamed when he was innocent john got in trouble for two weeks and lost all his privileges, this was all because he was better all around person.”) This author makes some attempt to demonstrate voice by making connections between his own experiences and those in the poem. (“In my baseball experience this is a sacrifice bunt. For the benefit of the team and the player on base someone has to sacrifice their hit to move a player into scoring position…”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit some errors in punctuation (“ Bess, the land lords daughters”), spelling (“incedent”), and grammar. However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this essay I will be giving you a theme on "The Highwayman". I think the theme of this poem is people do anything for love and I mean anything even kill themselves like in this poem. Like in the story the landlord's daughter killed herself to warn the Highwayman that they were after him.

This is a very interesting poem. I think its interesting because there maybe more than one love theme. An example maybe, people do dumb things for love. For example in the poem she killed herself so they don't have to kill the Highwayman but he still went. If I was the Highwayman I would have gone the next day just to make sure. Then the Highwayman just went, then he got himself killed I don't think the Landlord's daughter wanted him to do that. That's why love can be a tricky thing.

The theme about people will do anything for love in this story is true. She warned him not to come with the shot. Love is such a powerful thing that people have tough time on. The Highwayman wanted revenge but got killed. That's why love is a powerful thing. You don't know what your doing until you've done it.

Another theme is love can turn out to be jealousy. Just like the guy Tim the Ostler. He loved the landlord's daughter but she loved someone else. Then he kidnaped her. So he can set a trap for the Highwayman. That's when he fell for it and got killed.

That is why this story has a lot of theme's for love. Love can be a powerful thing. People do anything for love. People do dumb things for love. The best theme for this story is People do anything for love.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“ I think the theme of this poem is people do anything for love and I mean anything even kill themselves like in this poem.”), but it is not fully appropriate for this assignment. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the novel. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“Like in the story the landlord's daughter killed herself to warn the Highwayman that they were after him.”), but they lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that signify the themes in the book, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph the author includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“… people do dumb things for love. For example in the poem she killed herself so they don't have to kill the Highwayman but he still went.”) In the third paragraph, the author once again states a brief connection but does not attempt to further develop it. (“Love is such a powerful thing that people have tough time on. The Highwayman wanted revenge but got killed. That's why love is a powerful thing.”)

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response. The author includes an introduction, although it is underdeveloped. Three paragraphs make up the body of this composition. Each begins with an attempted topic sentence and some even include transitions. (“ Another theme is love can turn out to be jealousy. “) Even though the conclusion is short and somewhat repetitive, it does make an attempt at summarizing the author’s main points.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. Sentences are sometimes simple or are simply fragments (“ Like in the story the landlord's daughter killed herself to warn the Highwayman that they were after him.”), and word choice is simple but not wholly inappropriate (“That's why love can be a tricky thing.”). Overall, language use and style are limited and insufficient.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“ kidnaped”), grammar, and punctuation (“ has a lot of theme's ”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been so in loveyou'd tear out your heart and wrap it up for them. In the poem "Highway Men" a lady named Bess, and a highway man, were in love and both died for it.The theme of this poem is that if you really love someone, you will do anything for them, even if it means sacrificing your life for them.

Obviously the highway man loves Bess because when she let down her hair "His face burnt like a brand."(162) This shows the highway man loves Bess because all she did was let down her hair and he blushed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“ The theme of this poem is that if you really love someone, you will do anything for them, even if it means sacrificing your life for them.”), but it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to make any meaningful connections between the text and the task. This shows that the writer has a poor understanding of the audience and the assignment

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author cites only one example from the text to support the controlling idea. The example is explained (“ Obviously the highway man loves Bess because when she let down her hair "His face burnt like a brand."(162) This shows the highway man loves Bess because all she did was let down her hair and he blushed.”) , but leaves the reader expecting more content and development. There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified Organization is detected in this short response. The first sentence resembles an introduction because it attempts to engage the reader. (“ Have you ever been so in loveyou'd tear out your heart and wrap it up for them.”) However, the paragraph is underdeveloped, and yet is still the longest paragraph in this response. The second paragraph shows no evidence of structure. This essay lacks proper paragraphing, an introduction, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre language to address his/her audience. (“ Have you ever been so in loveyou'd tear out your heart and wrap it up for them.”) Sentences, however, are for the most part adequately structured. (“In the poem "Highway Men" a lady named Bess, and a highway man, were in love and both died for it.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited, but not wholly inappropriate.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are noticeable in this essay. Problems with punctuation, grammar, and mechanics detract from the look of this response. (“ Have you ever been so in loveyou'd tear out your heart and wrap it up for them.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The highway man is a story was about a young lady named Bess and a high way man . trhey were madly in love but the giuty also loved Bess and was blinded by the love so thankds to hikm Bess killed her self and the men killedc the highwdayman so none of the men got to get Bess not the highwayman of the other man and Bess ended up killing her self to save the man she loved wich was th ehighwayman.But the men ended up killing him any way.

The highway man was a pretty good stor6y but not my type.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. There is little semblance of a controlling idea (“ The highway man is a story was about a young lady named Bess and a high way man.”), and there are no connections made between the novel, the central idea, and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. Although the author states some details from the text, they are not coherent, relevant, or developed. (“ . trhey were madly in love but the giuty also loved Bess and was blinded by the love so thankds to hikm Bess killed her self and the men killedc the highwdayman”) The author even mentions his/her apathy at the end of the response. The content isn’t meaningful and is entirely inappropriate.

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. There are no clear introductory or concluding paragraphs. The body of the essay is only six lines long, and the second attempt at a paragraph is only one sentence in length. Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques.

Language Use & Style

This author evidently has difficulty using language appropriately. (“The highway man was a pretty good stor6y but not my type.”) There are major errors in sentence structure and word choice. (“ trhey were madly in love but the giuty also loved Bess and was blinded by the love so thankds to hikm Bess killed her self and the men killedc the highwdayman so none of the men got to get Bess not the highwayman of the other man and Bess ended up killing her self to save the man she loved wich was th ehighwayman.But the men ended up killing him any way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response , the author demonstrates a lack of ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“ trhey”) , punctuation, and grammar (“ none of the men got to get Bess”) are distracting to the reader.

“The Lady or the Tiger?” by Frank R. Stockton

The story "The Lady or the Tiger?" leaves readers surprised and astonished by its vague ending. However, in addition to its intriguing conclusion, the story itself incorporates a very interesting and important lesson.

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay demonstrating your understanding of the story's message. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the end of "The Lady or the Tiger?” by Frank R. Stockton, the reader is left to ponder the ambiguous ending of this story. However, by the end of the story, a clear message presents itself to the reader. Frank R. Stockton successfully emphasizes his message of choices and consequences by crafting a brilliant story about an olden kingdom ruled by a semi-barbaric, absolute ruler. The daughter of the king is caught having an affair with a man of a lower social class, and the man is sent to an arena, where he shall decide his own fate by choosing one of two doors that will either have him killed by a tiger or married to a beautiful woman. Stockton uses this scenario and many others to express his message of the choices that people make and the consequences that follow. In this unique story, one is left to ponder not only the fate of the young man, but also of the choices people make due to their human nature and the consequences that follow.

We first see of the power of choices in the semi-barbaric king's arbitrary method of justice. His method involves sending the defendant to an arena with two doors. The person is to pick one door that will either reveal a tiger (which will kill him and "prove" him guilty) or a lady (which he will marry and "prove" him innocent). Thus, the king leaves the choice up to the guilty person. This is the first indicator of the author's message of how people's choices have consequences. From the story, "the accused person [had] the whole matter in his own hands." Stockton gives the characters in his story the power to decide their fate; the question is the choices they make and the consequences that soon follow.

The events escalate as Stockton introduces the king's daughter, who is semi-barbaric and similar to her father. When she falls in love with a brave, fair man of lower social class, her father discovers this and immediately sends the hapless man to the arena. However, the important part is the fact that a princess would fall in love with a man of a lower class. Why? Choices and consequences play a role in this. The princess probably had an affair with the man because of his valor and physical appearance. Stockton uses this event to show not only choices and consequences, but also how human nature interferes with such matters. The woman probably knows that she is not, by royal protocol, supposed to fall in love with someone of lower social class, yet she still does because her lover "was handsome and brave to a degree unsurpassed in this entire kingdom." This shows that her human nature ultimately influenced her choice. Unfortunately, this choice has severe consequences, as the man is sentenced to the arena to be tried by his own choices.

The story, towards the end, focuses on the consequence of the princess's choice. However, this presents yet another choice and consequence, which reveals the interference of human nature to the greatest degree. The princess, being highly interested in the man's fate, manages to "possess herself of the secret of the doors...she knew in which of the two rooms that lay behind those doors stood the cage of the tiger, with its open front, and in which waited the lady." Ultimately, she dictates the man's fate by knowing what lies behind those doors. We get a glimpse of what is going on inside the lady as an internal conflict rages on within. She "had lost him; but who should have him?" This was the choice she had to make as she pondered signaling him to the tiger ("How...had she gnashed her teeth and torn her hair, when she saw his start of rapturous delight as he opened the door of the lady!") or to the lady ("And yet, that awful tiger, those shrieks, that blood!"). The princess ultimately subtly signals the man to a door. Though the question of whether the lady sent the man to his death or to marriage remains to be answered, Stockton presents this situation as one that is judged in the end by the interference of human nature in the choices and consequences that one makes.

Every choice has a consequence. However, Frank R. Stockton added an extra element - human nature - to the mix in his short story "The Lady, or the Tiger?" This message is emphasized throughout the story with the king's unusual method of justice, the princess's affair with the man, and the ultimate decision over the man's fate. To incorporate this lesson even further, Stockton revealed to us readers that the answer to the question "involves a study of the human heart which leads us through devious mazes of passion, out of which it is difficult to find our way." Indeed, everybody in this story and in the real world eventually makes his or her choices and greets the consequences with some degree of interference by human nature. Though we may never know whether the door revealed the lady or the tiger, we now know, from Stockton's brilliant incorporation of this message, of the mazes the average human goes through to ultimately make his or her choices.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt and literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more significant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“The princess probably had an affair with the man because of his valor and physical appearance. Stockton uses this event to show not only choices and consequences, but also how human nature interferes with such matters. The woman probably knows that she is not, by royal protocol, supposed to fall in love with someone of lower social class, yet she still does because her lover ‘was handsome and brave to a degree unsurpassed in this entire kingdom.’ This shows that her human nature ultimately influenced her choice. Unfortunately, this choice has severe consequences, as the man is sentenced to the arena to be tried by his own choices.”)

The essay clearly focuses on the writer’s understanding of the story’s message. (“The princess ultimately subtly signals the man to a door. Though the question of whether the lady sent the man to his death or to marriage remains to be answered, Stockton presents this situation as one that is judged in the end by the interference of human nature in the choices and consequences that one makes. Every choice has a consequence. However, Frank R. Stockton added an extra element - human nature - to the mix in his short story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ This message is emphasized throughout the story with the king's unusual method of justice, the princess's affair with the man, and the ultimate decision over the man's fate.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ We first see of the power of choices in the semi-barbaric king's arbitrary method of justice. His method involves sending the defendant to an arena with two doors. The person is to pick one door that will either reveal a tiger [which will kill him and ‘prove’ him guilty] or a lady [which he will marry and ‘prove’ him innocent]. Thus, the king leaves the choice up to the guilty person. This is the first indicator of the author's message of how people's choices have consequences.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story. (“We first see of the power of choices in the semi-barbaric king's arbitrary method of justice. His method involves sending the defendant to an arena with two doors. The person is to pick one door that will either reveal a tiger [which will kill him and ‘prove’ him guilty] or a lady [which he will marry and ‘prove’ him innocent]. Thus, the king leaves the choice up to the guilty person. This is the first indicator of the author's message of how people's choices have consequences.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“She ‘had lost him; but who should have him?’ This was the choice she had to make as she pondered signaling him to the tiger [‘How...had she gnashed her teeth and torn her hair, when she saw his start of rapturous delight as he opened the door of the lady!’] or to the lady [‘And yet, that awful tiger, those shrieks, that blood!’]. The princess ultimately subtly signals the man to a door. Though the question of whether the lady sent the man to his death or to marriage remains to be answered, Stockton presents this situation as one that is judged in the end by the interference of human nature in the choices and consequences that one makes.”)

The essay develops the thesis further by providing insights that illustrate the main points. (“Every choice has a consequence. However, Frank R. Stockton added an extra element - human nature - to the mix in his short story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ This message is emphasized throughout the story with the king's unusual method of justice, the princess's affair with the man, and the ultimate decision over the man's fate. To incorporate this lesson even further, Stockton revealed to us readers that the answer to the question ‘involves a study of the human heart which leads us through devious mazes of passion, out of which it is difficult to find our way.’”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated. The writer also presents an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction aptly captures the readers’ attention by describing the plot of the story and the lesson that can be learned concerning choices and consequences. (“ The daughter of the king is caught having an affair with a man of a lower social class, and the man is sent to an arena, where he shall decide his own fate by choosing one of two doors that will either have him killed by a tiger or married to a beautiful woman. Stockton uses this scenario and many others to express his message of the choices that people make and the consequences that follow. In this unique story, one is left to ponder not only the fate of the young man, but also of the choices people make due to their human nature and the consequences that follow.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ The story, towards the end, focuses on the consequence of the princess's choice. However, this presents yet another choice and consequence, which reveals the interference of human nature to the greatest degree. The princess, being highly interested in the man's fate, manages to "possess herself of the secret of the doors...she knew in which of the two rooms that lay behind those doors stood the cage of the tiger, with its open front, and in which waited the lady." Ultimately, she dictates the man's fate by knowing what lies behind those doors. We get a glimpse of what is going on inside the lady as an internal conflict rages on within.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Indeed, everybody in this story and in the real world eventually makes his or her choices and greets the consequences with some degree of interference by human nature. Though we may never know whether the door revealed the lady or the tiger, we now know, from Stockton's brilliant incorporation of this message, of the mazes the average human goes through to ultimately make his or her choices.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story using unfailing tone and intent. (“ The events escalate as Stockton introduces the king's daughter, who is semi-barbaric and similar to her father. When she falls in love with a brave, fair man of lower social class, her father discovers this and immediately sends the hapless man to the arena. However, the important part is the fact that a princess would fall in love with a man of a lower class. Why? Choices and consequences play a role in this. The princess probably had an affair with the man because of his valor and physical appearance. Stockton uses this event to show not only choices and consequences, but also how human nature interferes with such matters.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the difficult choices made by characters in the story so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the magnitude of choices and the impact of consequences. (“ Every choice has a consequence. However, Frank R. Stockton added an extra element - human nature - to the mix in his short story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ This message is emphasized throughout the story with the king's unusual method of justice, the princess's affair with the man, and the ultimate decision over the man's fate. To incorporate this lesson even further, Stockton revealed to us readers that the answer to the question ‘involves a study of the human heart which leads us through devious mazes of passion, out of which it is difficult to find our way.’ Indeed, everybody in this story and in the real world eventually makes his or her choices and greets the consequences with some degree of interference by human nature.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The woman probably knows that she is not, by royal protocol, supposed to fall in love with someone of lower social class, yet she still does because her lover ‘was handsome and brave to a degree unsurpassed in this entire kingdom.’ This shows that her human nature ultimately influenced her choice. Unfortunately, this choice has severe consequences, as the man is sentenced to the arena to be tried by his own choices.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The story, towards the end, focuses on the consequence of the princess's choice. However, this presents yet another choice and consequence, which reveals the interference of human nature to the greatest degree. The princess, being highly interested in the man's fate, manages to ‘possess herself of the secret of the doors...she knew in which of the two rooms that lay behind those doors stood the cage of the tiger, with its open front, and in which waited the lady.’ Ultimately, she dictates the man's fate by knowing what lies behind those doors.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The question of her decision is one not to be slightly considered...And so I leave it with all of you..." This quote, from "The Lady or the Tiger?" by Frank R. Stockton, is taken from the ending of the story. In this story, a "semi barbaric" king finds that his daughter is in a relationship with a man of a lower social class. The king decides to put this man through his justice system, in which the accused person must open one out of two identical doors. Behind one door is a tiger (leading to the accused person's death), and behind the other is a beautiful woman (the accused person would have to marry the lady immediately). On the day of the man's trial, he looks to the king's daughter for assistance. The princess, who had spent a very long time deciding which door to point to, indicates which door for him to open, but Stockton stops the plot there and goes on to question this: Did the princess direct the man to the tiger's door or to the lady's door? This question and other parts of the plot line reveal Stockton's lesson that choices have consequences, whether they are unremarkable or life-changing.

The king's justice system revolves around decisions and their outcomes. Each accused person has to make a very important choice that will determine life or death for them. The consequences of the choice may be either positive or negative. In this case, the accused person is either consumed or wed. These results are very serious, so the accused person has a very difficult decision to make. This justice system is a main part of the plot line in "The Lady, or the Tiger?"

The king's daughter must make an incredibly painful choice in the story. To decide the fate of her lover is no small matter, and no matter what door she decides to point to, the outcome will be extreme. Her lover will experience either a wonderful or terrible consequence depending on the princess's choice. That is, he will either be joyously married or horrifyingly eaten. However, the princess will receive positive and negative consequences at the same time, regardless of what door she points to. She will either suffer from jealousy (and relief at the same time that her lover is still alive) or from terror and grief (as well as comfort that her lover will never be with the woman she hates).

Frank R. Stockton leaves the ending question open-ended for the reader to answer. His inquiry in its exact words is: "Which came out of the opened door - the lady, or the tiger?" This question itself allows the reader to determine the fate of the princess's lover. The readers now have the power to make this beyond-difficult decision. Although the choice of the reader will not truly affect the life of the fictional character, the reader may engage in exploring the princess's thoughts deeply and realizing how hard it would be to make such a decision. The reader would have to consider the consequences and base their choices on it. This use of reader involvement is cleverly used by Stockton to emphasize his lesson even more.

Frank R. Stockton's lesson in his story "The Lady, or the Tiger?" is one that can always apply to our lives. The importance of consequences in the making of choices is constant throughout the story. Stockton even gives his readers a chance to deliberate about a decision from the story that would have a fateful outcome. In real life, making choices is a part of life, and they always have results, even if they are unimportant. Thus, we must be careful with our decisions and always consider the outcomes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the difficult decision the princess must make in the story. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ The king's justice system revolves around decisions and their outcomes. Each accused person has to make a very important choice that will determine life or death for them. The consequences of the choice may be either positive or negative. In this case, the accused person is either consumed or wed. These results are very serious, so the accused person has a very difficult decision to make. This justice system is a main part of the plot line in ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ The king's daughter must make an incredibly painful choice in the story. To decide the fate of her lover is no small matter, and no matter what door she decides to point to, the outcome will be extreme.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Behind one door is a tiger [leading to the accused person's death], and behind the other is a beautiful woman [the accused person would have to marry the lady immediately]. On the day of the man's trial, he looks to the king's daughter for assistance. The princess, who had spent a very long time deciding which door to point to, indicates which door for him to open, but Stockton stops the plot there and goes on to question this: Did the princess direct the man to the tiger's door or to the lady's door? This question and other parts of the plot line reveal Stockton's lesson that choices have consequences, whether they are unremarkable or life-changing. ”)

The writer centers all of his/her ideas on supporting an understanding of choices as the overall meaning of the story. (“ Frank R. Stockton's lesson in his story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ is one that can always apply to our lives. The importance of consequences in the making of choices is constant throughout the story. Stockton even gives his readers a chance to deliberate about a decision from the story that would have a fateful outcome. In real life, making choices is a part of life, and they always have results, even if they are unimportant. Thus, we must be careful with our decisions and always consider the outcomes. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the main ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ The king's justice system revolves around decisions and their outcomes. Each accused person has to make a very important choice that will determine life or death for them. The consequences of the choice may be either positive or negative. In this case, the accused person is either consumed or wed. These results are very serious, so the accused person has a very difficult decision to make. This justice system is a main part of the plot line in ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Frank R. Stockton leaves the ending question open-ended for the reader to answer. His inquiry in its exact words is: ‘Which came out of the opened door - the lady, or the tiger?’ This question itself allows the reader to determine the fate of the princess's lover. The readers now have the power to make this beyond-difficult decision. Although the choice of the reader will not truly affect the life of the fictional character, the reader may engage in exploring the princess's thoughts deeply and realizing how hard it would be to make such a decision. The reader would have to consider the consequences and base their choices on it. This use of reader involvement is cleverly used by Stockton to emphasize his lesson even more. ”)

The writer examines choices and consequences, paying close attention to the positive and negative outcomes that are possible when making decisions. (“ The king's daughter must make an incredibly painful choice in the story. To decide the fate of her lover is no small matter, and no matter what door she decides to point to, the outcome will be extreme. Her lover will experience either a wonderful or terrible consequence depending on the princess's choice. That is, he will either be joyously married or horrifyingly eaten. However, the princess will receive positive and negative consequences at the same time, regardless of what door she points to. She will either suffer from jealousy [and relief at the same time that her lover is still alive] or from terror and grief [as well as comfort that her lover will never be with the woman she hates]. ”)

Organization

The introduction effectively incorporates a quote and provides background information; in doing so, the readers can fully appreciate the scenario that unfolds and the dilemma the princess must deal with in the story. (“‘ The question of her decision is one not to be slightly considered...And so I leave it with all of you...’ This quote, from ‘The Lady or the Tiger?’ by Frank R. Stockton, is taken from the ending of the story. In this story, a ‘semi barbaric’ king finds that his daughter is in a relationship with a man of a lower social class. The king decides to put this man through his justice system, in which the accused person must open one out of two identical doors. Behind one door is a tiger [leading to the accused person's death], and behind the other is a beautiful woman [the accused person would have to marry the lady immediately]. On the day of the man's trial, he looks to the king's daughter for assistance. The princess, who had spent a very long time deciding which door to point to, indicates which door for him to open, but Stockton stops the plot there and goes on to question this: Did the princess direct the man to the tiger's door or to the lady's door?”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ The king's daughter must make an incredibly painful choice in the story. To decide the fate of her lover is no small matter, and no matter what door she decides to point to, the outcome will be extreme. Her lover will experience either a wonderful or terrible consequence depending on the princess's choice. That is, he will either be joyously married or horrifyingly eaten. However, the princess will receive positive and negative consequences at the same time, regardless of what door she points to. She will either suffer from jealousy [and relief at the same time that her lover is still alive] or from terror and grief [as well as comfort that her lover will never be with the woman she hates]. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that underscores a lesson about choices that can apply to everyone’s life. (“ Frank R. Stockton's lesson in his story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ is one that can always apply to our lives. The importance of consequences in the making of choices is constant throughout the story. Stockton even gives his readers a chance to deliberate about a decision from the story that would have a fateful outcome. In real life, making choices is a part of life, and they always have results, even if they are unimportant. Thus, we must be careful with our decisions and always consider the outcomes. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Frank R. Stockton leaves the ending question open-ended for the reader to answer. His inquiry in its exact words is: ‘Which came out of the opened door - the lady, or the tiger?’ This question itself allows the reader to determine the fate of the princess's lover. The readers now have the power to make this beyond-difficult decision. Although the choice of the reader will not truly affect the life of the fictional character, the reader may engage in exploring the princess's thoughts deeply and realizing how hard it would be to make such a decision. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ The king's daughter must make an incredibly painful choice in the story. To decide the fate of her lover is no small matter, and no matter what door she decides to point to, the outcome will be extreme. Her lover will experience either a wonderful or terrible consequence depending on the princess's choice. That is, he will either be joyously married or horrifyingly eaten. However, the princess will receive positive and negative consequences at the same time, regardless of what door she points to. She will either suffer from jealousy [and relief at the same time that her lover is still alive] or from terror and grief [as well as comfort that her lover will never be with the woman she hates]. ”)

The writer’s style ensures an understanding for readers of how the main and supporting points of the essay are related to the overall meaning of the story. (“ Frank R. Stockton's lesson in his story ‘The Lady, or the Tiger?’ is one that can always apply to our lives. The importance of consequences in the making of choices is constant throughout the story. Stockton even gives his readers a chance to deliberate about a decision from the story that would have a fateful outcome. In real life, making choices is a part of life, and they always have results, even if they are unimportant. Thus, we must be careful with our decisions and always consider the outcomes. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ On the day of the man's trial, he looks to the king's daughter for assistance. The princess, who had spent a very long time deciding which door to point to, indicates which door for him to open, but Stockton stops the plot there and goes on to question this: Did the princess direct the man to the tiger's door or to the lady's door? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Lady or the Tiger?

The Lady or the Tiger by Frank R. Stockton is a very interesting story in the way it was written. The King is somewhat barbaric in the way he treats a "crime" in the land. His daughter falls in love with someone who is not of royal decent and he is put in the amphitheater because he is not supposed to be her "lover." In the amphitheater, there are one of two doors in which the person that is cast in the theater has to choose between those doors. Behind one door is a tiger waiting to pounce on you and in the other is a lady waiting to marry you. I believe it is wrong to force someone to love someone else that they do not even love. In this story the king does not let his daughter love someone who is not in her ranking.

The king has such an imagination that the people that commit a "crime" are to be put in the amphitheater and in that theater are two doors. The fate of your life depends on those two doors. You can die or you can come out of the theater as a married man. Even if you are already married, you will get married again depending on the door choosen. Behind one of the doors is a tiger that can kill and behind the other is a lady waitng to meet her soon to be husband. If you open the door with the tiger, there will be a bloodshed. If you open the door with the lady behind it, a humorous marriage will be met and there are people in the stands cheering you on. Once you open the door with the tiger behind it, you are guilty of the crime that you committed, but if you open the door with the lady behind it you are innocent.

In this case the king has a daughter that is in love with a man that is not in the ranking for her love, and marrage. He was put in the amphitheater where he had to chose between those two doors. His lover, the daughter of the king, was sitting right next to her father. She had to see the man she loved choose between life or death depending on the door choosen. No one is supposed to know what door leads to what not even the king, but in this situation the princess does. She also knows that the maiden behind the door is a lady that she does not like because when the princess would spend time with her lover she would see her looking at him and she believed he was looking back. She did not want to see him marry her, but she also did not want him to die. Before he opend a door he glanced at the princess and knew what he was asking, "what door is it?" She raised her right hand. The audience is left not knowing their own decision wheather he choose the lady or the tiger.

The author in the end wanted the audience to make their own decison. I believe this because his fate was in his own hands. The message of this story is to not let anyone make the decision of who you should love. Wealth does not always bring happiness, but love does. The king in this story belives that money or the ranking of the person that is going to marry his daughter will bring happiness. Your future is what one holds in their hands not anyone else, meaning who you marry in the future should be your decision not some one else. People cannot tell you who you can and cannot love, even if they are your parents.

It is unjust for the daughter to not be able to make her own decision on who she can love. Yes, her father is the king but he cannot guide her heart towars the man she decides to love or marry. It should be her own decision because she is a grown young lady and has a mind of her own and does not need anyone to make her deciosions about love or any thing else. I personally think the father is doing this because he feels its his little girl and just some plain, not wealthy, or even any ranking of a man can love his daughter because he doesn't want to let her go.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates an understanding of the meaning of the story and provides adequate details so the readers can appreciate his/her point of view. (“The author in the end wanted the audience to make their own decison. I believe this because his fate was in his own hands. The message of this story is to not let anyone make the decision of who you should love. Wealth does not always bring happiness, but love does. The king in this story belives that money or the ranking of the person that is going to marry his daughter will bring happiness. Your future is what one holds in their hands not anyone else, meaning who you marry in the future should be your decision not some one else. People cannot tell you who you can and cannot love, even if they are your parents.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer uses different scenes from the story to illustrate the idea that everyone should be in control of his/her own destiny. (“It is unjust for the daughter to not be able to make her own decision on who she can love. Yes, her father is the king but he cannot guide her heart towars the man she decides to love or marry. It should be her own decision because she is a grown young lady and has a mind of her own and does not need anyone to make her deciosions about love or any thing else.”)

The writer focuses on providing examples from the text that support the ideas asserted throughout the essay. (“The king has such an imagination that the people that commit a 'crime' are to be put in the amphitheater and in that theater are two doors. The fate of your life depends on those two doors. You can die or you can come out of the theater as a married man. Even if you are already married, you will get married again depending on the door choosen. Behind one of the doors is a tiger that can kill and behind the other is a lady waitng to meet her soon to be husband. If you open the door with the tiger, there will be a bloodshed.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“The author in the end wanted the audience to make their own decison. I believe this because his fate was in his own hands. The message of this story is to not let anyone make the decision of who you should love. Wealth does not always bring happiness, but love does. The king in this story belives that money or the ranking of the person that is going to marry his daughter will bring happiness. Your future is what one holds in their hands not anyone else, meaning who you marry in the future should be your decision not some one else.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“His lover, the daughter of the king, was sitting right next to her father. She had to see the man she loved choose between life or death depending on the door choosen. No one is supposed to know what door leads to what not even the king, but in this situation the princess does. She also knows that the maiden behind the door is a lady that she does not like because when the princess would spend time with her lover she would see her looking at him and she believed he was looking back. She did not want to see him marry her, but she also did not want him to die. Before he opend a door he glanced at the princess and knew what he was asking, ‘what door is it?’ She raised her right hand. The audience is left not knowing their own decision wheather he choose the lady or the tiger.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The king has such an imagination that the people that commit a ‘crime’ are to be put in the amphitheater and in that theater are two doors. The fate of your life depends on those two doors. You can die or you can come out of the theater as a married man. Even if you are already married, you will get married again depending on the door choosen. Behind one of the doors is a tiger that can kill and behind the other is a lady waitng to meet her soon to be husband. If you open the door with the tiger, there will be a bloodshed. If you open the door with the lady behind it, a humorous marriage will be met and there are people in the stands cheering you on.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Lady or the Tiger by Frank R. Stockton is a very interesting story in the way it was written. The King is somewhat barbaric in the way he treats a ‘crime’ in the land. His daughter falls in love with someone who is not of royal decent and he is put in the amphitheater because he is not supposed to be her ‘lover.’ In the amphitheater, there are one of two doors in which the person that is cast in the theater has to choose between those doors. Behind one door is a tiger waiting to pounce on you and in the other is a lady waiting to marry you. I believe it is wrong to force someone to love someone else that they do not even love. In this story the king does not let his daughter love someone who is not in her ranking.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ She also knows that the maiden behind the door is a lady that she does not like because when the princess would spend time with her lover she would see her looking at him and she believed he was looking back. She did not want to see him marry her, but she also did not want him to die. Before he opend a door he glanced at the princess and knew what he was asking, ‘what door is it?’ She raised her right hand. The audience is left not knowing their own decision wheather he choose the lady or the tiger.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ It is unjust for the daughter to not be able to make her own decision on who she can love. Yes, her father is the king but he cannot guide her heart towars the man she decides to love or marry. It should be her own decision because she is a grown young lady and has a mind of her own and does not need anyone to make her deciosions about love or any thing else. I personally think the father is doing this because he feels its his little girl and just some plain, not wealthy, or even any ranking of a man can love his daughter because he doesn't want to let her go. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The author in the end wanted the audience to make their own decison. I believe this because his fate was in his own hands. The message of this story is to not let anyone make the decision of who you should love. Wealth does not always bring happiness, but love does. The king in this story belives that money or the ranking of the person that is going to marry his daughter will bring happiness. Your future is what one holds in their hands not anyone else, meaning who you marry in the future should be your decision not some one else.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice when explaining his/her understanding of the story’s message to the intended audience. (“ It is unjust for the daughter to not be able to make her own decision on who she can love. Yes, her father is the king but he cannot guide her heart towars the man she decides to love or marry. It should be her own decision because she is a grown young lady and has a mind of her own and does not need anyone to make her deciosions about love or any thing else. I personally think the father is doing this because he feels its his little girl and just some plain, not wealthy, or even any ranking of a man can love his daughter because he doesn't want to let her go. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ The king has such an imagination that the people that commit a ‘crime’ are to be put in the amphitheater and in that theater are two doors. The fate of your life depends on those two doors. You can die or you can come out of the theater as a married man. Even if you are already married, you will get married again depending on the door choosen. Behind one of the doors is a tiger that can kill and behind the other is a lady waitng to meet her soon to be husband. If you open the door with the tiger, there will be a bloodshed. If you open the door with the lady behind it, a humorous marriage will be met and there are people in the stands cheering you on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, but needs to check the spelling of chosen words. (“ Yes, her father is the king but he cannot guide her heart towars the man she decides to love or marry. It should be her own decision because she is a grown young lady and has a mind of her own and does not need anyone to make her deciosions about love or any thing else.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story, The princess was going to loose the love of her life, either way. Let me explain the story to you, This man, of non royalty, feel in passionate love with the Princess of a semi-Barbaric king. This king found out their love, Give him a trial, and stuck him in his arena. In this arena he had 2 choose of 2 doors, one holding back a tiger. And the other holding a woman inside. If he had picked either of them, the princess was going to loose the love of her live. Either to a hungry tiger, or to the woman whom she hated. He looked at her in question to ask "which one," and she told him right. It was your choice at the end of the story to choose if she sent him to the door of the woman that she hated, or the tiger.

In my opinion, one moral of the story or the theme of the story is Jealousy. I think that she led the man to his death at the mouth of a tiger. All because of she loved this man so much, it would kill her to see him with another woman. Keep in mind that she hated this woman. But it would also hurt less in her eyes to see him dead. The girl In the story is the daughter of a semi-barbaric king, so chances are the daughter is semi-barbaric too. Which just reinforces the moral, proving that she is capable of sending him to the tiger. This theme crosses with the next theme too.

The other theme, Is choice. Now, in the story the kind, the king gave the man the choice of choosing between 2 doors both holding a punishment, one punishment, is death. The other, is being alive, but loosing his love and being forced to be with another woman. One holding a lady and a tiger as you now. Also, the man choose to trust the princess by choosing the right door. Which in the story is the biggest choice of the story, because this choice inter winds with the other theme, jealousy. The girl told him to pick the right door, but she would of been jealous too see her love with the woman she hated, so here is another choice on her part. So, does she send him to the tiger to see him die, or the woman?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides a synopsis of the story’s scenario in the beginning but neglects to establish a central/controlling idea that would create a framework for the support included in the essay. (“In this story, The princess was going to loose the love of her life, either way. Let me explain the story to you, This man, of non royalty, feel in passionate love with the Princess of a semi-Barbaric king. This king found out their love, Give him a trial, and stuck him in his arena. In this arena he had 2 choose of 2 doors, one holding back a tiger. And the other holding a woman inside. If he had picked either of them, the princess was going to loose the love of her live. Either to a hungry tiger, or to the woman whom she hated. He looked at her in question to ask 'which one,' and she told him right. It was your choice at the end of the story to choose if she sent him to the door of the woman that she hated, or the tiger.”)

Although the writer attempts to assert his/her understanding of the story’s message, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events for readers to fully appreciate the stated point of view. (“ The other theme, Is choice. Now, in the story the kind, the king gave the man the choice of choosing between 2 doors both holding a punishment, one punishment, is death. The other, is being alive, but loosing his love and being forced to be with another woman. One holding a lady and a tiger as you now. Also, the man choose to trust the princess by choosing the right door. Which in the story is the biggest choice of the story, because this choice inter winds with the other theme, jealousy. ”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing his/her understanding of the story’s message, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“In my opinion, one moral of the story or the theme of the story is Jealousy. I think that she led the man to his death at the mouth of a tiger. All because of she loved this man so much, it would kill her to see him with another woman. Keep in mind that she hated this woman. But it would also hurt less in her eyes to see him dead. The girl In the story is the daughter of a semi-barbaric king, so chances are the daughter is semi-barbaric too. Which just reinforces the moral, proving that she is capable of sending him to the tiger.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“If he had picked either of them, the princess was going to loose the love of her live. Either to a hungry tiger, or to the woman whom she hated. He looked at her in question to ask ‘which one,’ and she told him right. It was your choice at the end of the story to choose if she sent him to the door of the woman that she hated, or the tiger.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. In some cases, the support is very repetitive. (“In my opinion, one moral of the story or the theme of the story is Jealousy. I think that she led the man to his death at the mouth of a tiger. All because of she loved this man so much, it would kill her to see him with another woman. Keep in mind that she hated this woman.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“The other theme, Is choice. Now, in the story the kind, the king gave the man the choice of choosing between 2 doors both holding a punishment, one punishment, is death. The other, is being alive, but loosing his love and being forced to be with another woman. One holding a lady and a tiger as you now. Also, the man choose to trust the princess by choosing the right door.”)

Organization

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In this story, The princess was going to loose the love of her life, either way. Let me explain the story to you, This man, of non royalty, feel in passionate love with the Princess of a semi-Barbaric king. This king found out their love, Give him a trial, and stuck him in his arena. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ In my opinion, one moral of the story or the theme of the story is Jealousy. I think that she led the man to his death at the mouth of a tiger. All because of she loved this man so much, it would kill her to see him with another woman. Keep in mind that she hated this woman. But it would also hurt less in her eyes to see him dead. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is so short that it fails to summarize main ideas or give the readers a sense of closure. (“ So, does she send him to the tiger to see him die, or the woman? ”)

Language Use & Style

Many sentences are short, choppy, and fragmented. (“ And the other holding a woman inside. If he had picked either of them, the princess was going to loose the love of her live. Either to a hungry tiger, or to the woman whom she hated. He looked at her in question to ask ‘which one,’ and she told him right. ”)

The writer’s lack of voice and style impedes the effectiveness of the intended message. (“ Which in the story is the biggest choice of the story, because this choice inter winds with the other theme, jealousy. The girl told him to pick the right door, but she would of been jealous too see her love with the woman she hated, so here is another choice on her part. So, does she send him to the tiger to see him die, or the woman? ”)

There is weak structure in many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ The other theme, Is choice. Now, in the story the kind, the king gave the man the choice of choosing between 2 doors both holding a punishment, one punishment, is death. The other, is being alive, but loosing his love and being forced to be with another woman. One holding a lady and a tiger as you now.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ In this story, The princess was going to loose the love of her life, either way. Let me explain the story to you, This man, of non royalty, feel in passionate love with the Princess of a semi-Barbaric king. This king found out their love, Give him a trial, and stuck him in his arena. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I came up with a lot of ways the man from the story The Lady or The Tiger she will have to choose a door for the king.

The main way is the king daughter knows whats behind the door, and she will tell the man she love what door to choose.

I think that maybe the king daughter do not want the man to get married to the woman behind one of those doors. So she will tell him not to choose the door with the woman. The king daughter will tell him to choose the door with the lion because she would want him to die before he get married to someone but her.

The woman also do not want him to get married to the woman because she is very jelious of the woman. She thinks that if she cant have him than noone will. This is the only way the king daughter think everything would be fair in her opinion.

In the end the king daughter will live happily ever after even though the man of her dreams is no longer living. The king is now happy that the man has been punished for liking his daughter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is weakly suggested, and the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state a central/controlling idea in the essay. (“I came up with a lot of ways the man from the story The Lady or The Tiger she will have to choose a door for the king.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to demonstrate his/her understanding of the story’s message. (“ I think that maybe the king daughter do not want the man to get married to the woman behind one of those doors. So she will tell him not to choose the door with the woman. The king daughter will tell him to choose the door with the lion because she would want him to die before he get married to someone but her. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support his/her understanding of the story’s message. (“ The woman also do not want him to get married to the woman because she is very jelious of the woman. She thinks that if she cant have him than noone will. This is the only way the king daughter think everything would be fair in her opinion.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer does not clearly establish his/her understanding of the story’s message and only manages to minimally retell a few events occurring in the story. (“I think that maybe the king daughter do not want the man to get married to the woman behind one of those doors. So she will tell him not to choose the door with the woman. The king daughter will tell him to choose the door with the lion because she would want him to die before he get married to someone but her.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The main way is the king daughter knows whats behind the door, and she will tell the man she love what door to choose.”)

Due to the brevity of the response and the lack of a clear central/controlling idea, the writer creates a minimal response that only serves to retell portions of the story. (“The woman also do not want him to get married to the woman because she is very jelious of the woman. She thinks that if she cant have him than noone will. This is the only way the king daughter think everything would be fair in her opinion.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the task response. He/she arranges a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ I came up with a lot of ways the man from the story The Lady or The Tiger she will have to choose a door for the king. ”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs in the essay. Additionally, transitions are not included to enhance the flow and sequence of ideas. (“I think that maybe the king daughter do not want the man to get married to the woman behind one of those doors. So she will tell him not to choose the door with the woman. The king daughter will tell him to choose the door with the lion because she would want him to die before he get married to someone but her.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the writer’s understanding of the story’s message, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ In the end the king daughter will live happily ever after even though the man of her dreams is no longer living. The king is now happy that the man has been punished for liking his daughter. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are poorly constructed and do not clearly convey the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ I came up with a lot of ways the man from the story The Lady or The Tiger she will have to choose a door for the king. The main way is the king daughter knows whats behind the door, and she will tell the man she love what door to choose.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ I think that maybe the king daughter do not want the man to get married to the woman behind one of those doors. So she will tell him not to choose the door with the woman. The king daughter will tell him to choose the door with the lion because she would want him to die before he get married to someone but her.”)

There is repetition. (“ The woman also do not want him to get married to the woman because she is very jelious of the woman.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ The woman also do not want him to get married to the woman because she is very jelious of the woman. She thinks that if she cant have him than noone will. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why does life have to have consequence?"the lady or the tiger" by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her. no matter what he picks ,he will not be with the Princes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides inadequate focus and meaning. The writer neglects to support his/her assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections between the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“Why does life have to have consequence?’the lady or the tiger’ by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her.”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address a message of consequences in life but does not develop the idea in any way. (“Why does life have to have consequence?’the lady or the tiger’ by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Why does life have to have consequence?’the lady or the tiger’ by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her. no matter what he picks ,he will not be with the Princes.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The beginning of the essay is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Why does life have to have consequence?’the lady or the tiger’ by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ no matter what he picks ,he will not be with the Princes.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence variety is lacking in the essay. (“ if he chooses the door with the tiger,he will be killed. if he picks the door with the beautiful lady he will have to merry her.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are repetitious and rambling. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ ?"the lady or the tiger" by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.”)

The ideas are informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ no matter what he picks ,he will not be with the Princes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“‘the lady or the tiger’ by frank R. stockton about a princes dating a servant and the king fine out and told the servant to chose a door where theirs a lady in one door and a tiger in the other door.”)

The Mighty by Rodman Philbrick

In the book The Mighty , Kevin and Max are very close friends. In a well-developed essay, explain how Max changes as a result of knowing Kevin. Support your analysis with details from the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Kevin has a disease that is going to kill him. But before he dies, Kevin befriends a giant kid named Max, who is an outcast of everyday life. Kevin turns Max's life around, and changes Max so drastically that Max is no longer the Kicker, he and Kevin together have become Freak the Mighty! The change of names is so important because it shows that no matter what anyone has done in the past, they can still change and improve in positive ways. The book Freak the Mighty, by Rodman Philbrick, shows that a giant like Max can be shown the ways of life and happiness by someone like Kevin, a tiny kid with leg braces. Max has changed so much that he is not the person that he used to be. He is a better problem solver, he is more confident in himself, and lastly, he has more common sense than before knowing Kevin.

One important way that Max has changed dramatically as a result of knowing Kevin is that he is now a much better problem solver in all different kinds of problems, big or small. One example is how Max solved the problem of his dad choking Loretta Lee after Killer Kane had kidnapped Max. Max told his dad that he saw him choking his mother. Max said, "I can't get him loose of her, so all I can do is keep screaming, 'I know you killed her! I saw you! I saw you do it! You killed her and I'll never forget, not ever!'" (128). Max's dad let go of Loretta after that, so Max saved Loretta and later was able to save himself. Another good example would be when Max decided to go with his dad when Max was kidnapped (100). If Max had refused, his dad probably would have either hurt Max badly or strangled him to death for refusing. Max thought of when to escape and solved the problem of his dad. The best example would probably be how Max solved the problem of Tony D. and his gang. By making the decision not to fight, he saved himself and Kevin from trouble and pain (31).He solved the problem of Tony D. and his gang by letting the cops take over, and everything turned out all right in the end because of Max's decision.

An equally important way that Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that Max is now much more confident in himself. For one, Mrs. Addison said to Max, "This is rather difficult, Maxwell. I don't know where to begin. First, let me say that we're all very pleased with your progress. It's nothing short of miraculous, and it almost convinces me you knew how to read at your level all along and for some reason keeping it a secret." (84). After knowing Kevin, Max is now confident that he can do well in school. Another reason that Max is more confident in himself is that he followed what Kevin said when they were being chased by Tony D. and his gang (34-37). Max was confident in himself in the fact that he knew what Kevin was doing. He was confident in himself to make the right decision. Lastly, Max is more social and trusting in people. Max had confidence in himself to do the right thing, like when Kevin choked on American Chop Suey. Max was confident in his decision to get the nurse and do the right thing. That is why Max is more confident in himself as a result of knowing Kevin.

I think that the best example of how Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that Max now shows a better developed trait of common sense. First of all, Max was able to choose how to react to the police after he and Kevin were rescued from Tony D and his gang. One police officer stated rather rudely, "Hey, isn't that Kenny Kane's boy? Must be. Old Killer Kane, is he still inside?" (37). Max stayed silent, which shows that he had the common sense to do so. Another superb example would be that Max does not choose to bite and kick his teachers anymore (82-84). That shows that Max has more common sense because he can discern if things like that are right or wrong, after knowing Kevin. The last great example of how Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that he now thinks before he says things. Before he was worried of sounding like a "butthead", but now he thinks before he says things, like when his dad kidnapped him (100). Max thought it best not to say anything, so it was a display of common sense on Max's part not to say anything. That is why Max has more common sense as a result of knowing Kevin.

It is now clear that Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin. To sum it all up, Kevin has taught Max many different things in many different ways. Kevin has taught Max how to be a better problem solver, be a lot more confident in himself and his decisions, and lastly, how to use a lot more common sense. Friendships like Max's and Kevin's are rare. I urge each and every person out in the world today to go the extra mile and make a good friendship. Start by introducing yourself, or asking if you can sit at a lunch table. That one small act can blossom into a life-long friendship. Just do it. Believe me; it is worth your time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“One important way that Max has changed dramatically as a result of knowing Kevin is that he is now a much better problem solver in all different kinds of problems, big or small. One example is how Max solved the problem of his dad choking Loretta Lee after Killer Kane had kidnapped Max. Max told his dad that he saw him choking his mother. Max said, ‘I can't get him loose of her, so all I can do is keep screaming, 'I know you killed her! I saw you! I saw you do it! You killed her and I'll never forget, not ever!’ [128]. Max's dad let go of Loretta after that, so Max saved Loretta and later was able to save himself.”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“I think that the best example of how Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that Max now shows a better developed trait of common sense. First of all, Max was able to choose how to react to the police after he and Kevin were rescued from Tony D and his gang. One police officer stated rather rudely, ‘Hey, isn't that Kenny Kane's boy? Must be. Old Killer Kane, is he still inside?’ [37]. Max stayed silent, which shows that he had the common sense to do so.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Max has changed so much that he is not the person that he used to be. He is a better problem solver, he is more confident in himself, and lastly, he has more common sense than before knowing Kevin.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“An equally important way that Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that Max is now much more confident in himself. For one, Mrs. Addison said to Max, ‘This is rather difficult, Maxwell. I don't know where to begin. First, let me say that we're all very pleased with your progress. It's nothing short of miraculous, and it almost convinces me you knew how to read at your level all along and for some reason keeping it a secret.’ [84]. After knowing Kevin, Max is now confident that he can do well in school.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Max was able to choose how to react to the police after he and Kevin were rescued from Tony D and his gang. One police officer stated rather rudely, ‘Hey, isn't that Kenny Kane's boy? Must be. Old Killer Kane, is he still inside?’ [37]. Max stayed silent, which shows that he had the common sense to do so.”)

Clear references to events in the story illustrate the many changes in Max’s life as a result of his friendship with Kevin. (“Another reason that Max is more confident in himself is that he followed what Kevin said when they were being chased by Tony D. and his gang [34-37]. Max was confident in himself in the fact that he knew what Kevin was doing. He was confident in himself to make the right decision. Lastly, Max is more social and trusting in people. Max had confidence in himself to do the right thing, like when Kevin choked on American Chop Suey. Max was confident in his decision to get the nurse and do the right thing. That is why Max is more confident in himself as a result of knowing Kevin.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in an effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as appropriate, albeit elementary, use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction engages readers by describing the unusual friendship between two young boys. (“ Kevin has a disease that is going to kill him. But before he dies, Kevin befriends a giant kid named Max, who is an outcast of everyday life. Kevin turns Max's life around, and changes Max so drastically that Max is no longer the Kicker, he and Kevin together have become Freak the Mighty!”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used, but the writer should employ a variety of subtle transitions to avoid a repetitious tone. Using transitions helps the essay move from one main idea to the next with greater flow and sequence. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ Another reason that Max is more confident in himself is that he followed what Kevin said when they were being chased by Tony D. and his gang [34-37]. Max was confident in himself in the fact that he knew what Kevin was doing. He was confident in himself to make the right decision. Lastly, Max is more social and trusting in people. Max had confidence in himself to do the right thing, like when Kevin choked on American Chop Suey. Max was confident in his decision to get the nurse and do the right thing. That is why Max is more confident in himself as a result of knowing Kevin.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ It is now clear that Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin. To sum it all up, Kevin has taught Max many different things in many different ways. Kevin has taught Max how to be a better problem solver, be a lot more confident in himself and his decisions, and lastly, how to use a lot more common sense. Friendships like Max's and Kevin's are rare. I urge each and every person out in the world today to go the extra mile and make a good friendship. Start by introducing yourself, or asking if you can sit at a lunch table. That one small act can blossom into a life-long friendship. Just do it. Believe me; it is worth your time.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates descriptive language use, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that help to build Max’s confidence and change him in wonderful ways. (“ An equally important way that Max has changed as a result of knowing Kevin is that Max is now much more confident in himself. For one, Mrs. Addison said to Max, ‘This is rather difficult, Maxwell. I don't know where to begin. First, let me say that we're all very pleased with your progress. It's nothing short of miraculous, and it almost convinces me you knew how to read at your level all along and for some reason keeping it a secret.’ [84]. After knowing Kevin, Max is now confident that he can do well in school.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the changes in Max so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the effects Kevin’s friendship had on Max’s life. (“ Another reason that Max is more confident in himself is that he followed what Kevin said when they were being chased by Tony D. and his gang [34-37]. Max was confident in himself in the fact that he knew what Kevin was doing. He was confident in himself to make the right decision. Lastly, Max is more social and trusting in people. Max had confidence in himself to do the right thing, like when Kevin choked on American Chop Suey. Max was confident in his decision to get the nurse and do the right thing. That is why Max is more confident in himself as a result of knowing Kevin.”)

The writer’s word choices and descriptive details add to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Another good example would be when Max decided to go with his dad when Max was kidnapped [100]. If Max had refused, his dad probably would have either hurt Max badly or strangled him to death for refusing. Max thought of when to escape and solved the problem of his dad. The best example would probably be how Max solved the problem of Tony D. and his gang. By making the decision not to fight, he saved himself and Kevin from trouble and pain [31].He solved the problem of Tony D. and his gang by letting the cops take over, and everything turned out all right in the end because of Max's decision.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The book Freak the Mighty, by Rodman Philbrick, shows that a giant like Max can be shown the ways of life and happiness by someone like Kevin, a tiny kid with leg braces. Max has changed so much that he is not the person that he used to be. He is a better problem solver, he is more confident in himself, and lastly, he has more common sense than before knowing Kevin.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Mighty

Imagine a huge boy about 13, nearly seven feet tall and still growing, with a two foot 13-year old that has leg braces sitting on his shoulders. This is one of the main events that will happen throughout the book The Mighty. Max is this huge boy that's not very smart. Kevin has a disease that crippled him, and is practically a kid genius. They become close friends. Max became a better person from his experiences with Kevin. Of course he became smarter, but he also became braver, and more confident in himself.

When Max first met Kevin, he wasn't very confident in himself. He always talked about Grim and Gram not trusting him, like he didn't even trust in himself. In the book, they run into this bully called Tony D., or Blade. After a "close encounter of the turd kind," Kevin asked, "You can take him, right?" like he believed in Max. Later they ran into Blade again, and ran into this murky old millpond to get away. After they got out, it says in the book, "The cops made out like I was a hero rescuing the poor crippled midget kid." If people have confidence in you, it makes it easier to do hard things. You tend to take more responsibility, just like Max taking responsibility over Kevin at school. Having confidence in himself also helped Max to do better in school.

In the seventh grade, Max had the learning disability class, and wasn't very smart. When Kevin came, they were put together in the honors classes. Kevin told Max that reading was another type of listening, and that books were like "voices on paper." He also said that writing was like talking. Some people have a difficult time reading, like Max. If it is related to something they already know how to do well, (in this case, listening) then it becomes easier to do it. In the book, Max writes one, so he says, "Now that I've written a book, I might read a few." Being smarter can really help you and make you change the way you are. It made Max confident, which led to bravery.

Would you have the courage to wake up at 2 a.m., and sneak out to a sewer to look for something that your friend saw? Well, that is exactly what Max did. When they returned Loretta's purse, Max started to stick up for himself, instead of letting Kevin do it all. Also, Max gets kidnapped in the book by a criminal that murdered someone, who is on parole. He was really calm, like he knew someone would help him. Most people tend to act cooler, braver and/or smarter in front of friends. Eventually that becomes a habit, even when friends aren't around, just as Max was brave without Kevin. With Kevin around, Max has become a better person.

In conclusion, Max became a stronger person. He believes in himself, does well in school, and has much more courage. Kevin really changed his life, and helped him to realize what he could do. They both learned that anyone can be friends, no matter their age, size, grades, or color. The quests and adventures that they went on were amazing, and being one as Freak the Mighty helped also with teamwork and obedience. Having a friend can really make a difference in someone's life, just like in The Mighty. Max and Kevin will have a lasting impression of friendship, loyalty, and courage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides scenes from the text that illustrate the changes seen in Max throughout the story. He/she is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ When Max first met Kevin, he wasn't very confident in himself. He always talked about Grim and Gram not trusting him, like he didn't even trust in himself. In the book, they run into this bully called Tony D., or Blade. After a ‘close encounter of the turd kind,’ Kevin asked, ‘You can take him, right?’ like he believed in Max.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ In the seventh grade, Max had the learning disability class, and wasn't very smart. When Kevin came, they were put together in the honors classes. Kevin told Max that reading was another type of listening, and that books were like ‘voices on paper.’ He also said that writing was like talking. Some people have a difficult time reading, like Max. If it is related to something they already know how to do well, [in this case, listening] then it becomes easier to do it. In the book, Max writes one, so he says, ‘Now that I've written a book, I might read a few.’ Being smarter can really help you and make you change the way you are. It made Max confident, which led to bravery. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the many ways Max changed during his friendship with Kevin. (“ He believes in himself, does well in school, and has much more courage. Kevin really changed his life, and helped him to realize what he could do. They both learned that anyone can be friends, no matter their age, size, grades, or color. The quests and adventures that they went on were amazing, and being one as Freak the Mighty helped also with teamwork and obedience. Having a friend can really make a difference in someone's life, just like in The Mighty. Max and Kevin will have a lasting impression of friendship, loyalty, and courage. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ When Max first met Kevin, he wasn't very confident in himself. He always talked about Grim and Gram not trusting him, like he didn't even trust in himself. In the book, they run into this bully called Tony D., or Blade. After a ‘close encounter of the turd kind,’ Kevin asked, ‘You can take him, right?’ like he believed in Max. Later they ran into Blade again, and ran into this murky old millpond to get away. After they got out, it says in the book, ‘The cops made out like I was a hero rescuing the poor crippled midget kid.’ If people have confidence in you, it makes it easier to do hard things. You tend to take more responsibility, just like Max taking responsibility over Kevin at school. Having confidence in himself also helped Max to do better in school. ”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“In the seventh grade, Max had the learning disability class, and wasn't very smart. When Kevin came, they were put together in the honors classes. Kevin told Max that reading was another type of listening, and that books were like ‘voices on paper.’ He also said that writing was like talking. Some people have a difficult time reading, like Max. If it is related to something they already know how to do well, [in this case, listening] then it becomes easier to do it. In the book, Max writes one, so he says, ‘Now that I've written a book, I might read a few.’ Being smarter can really help you and make you change the way you are. It made Max confident, which led to bravery. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Would you have the courage to wake up at 2 a.m., and sneak out to a sewer to look for something that your friend saw? Well, that is exactly what Max did. When they returned Loretta's purse, Max started to stick up for himself, instead of letting Kevin do it all. Also, Max gets kidnapped in the book by a criminal that murdered someone, who is on parole. He was really calm, like he knew someone would help him. Most people tend to act cooler, braver and/or smarter in front of friends. Eventually that becomes a habit, even when friends aren't around, just as Max was brave without Kevin. With Kevin around, Max has become a better person. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the response. He/she presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Imagine a huge boy about 13, nearly seven feet tall and still growing, with a two foot 13-year old that has leg braces sitting on his shoulders. This is one of the main events that will happen throughout the book The Mighty. Max is this huge boy that's not very smart. Kevin has a disease that crippled him, and is practically a kid genius. They become close friends. Max became a better person from his experiences with Kevin. Of course he became smarter, but he also became braver, and more confident in himself. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Would you have the courage to wake up at 2 a.m., and sneak out to a sewer to look for something that your friend saw? Well, that is exactly what Max did. When they returned Loretta's purse, Max started to stick up for himself, instead of letting Kevin do it all. Also, Max gets kidnapped in the book by a criminal that murdered someone, who is on parole. He was really calm, like he knew someone would help him. Most people tend to act cooler, braver and/or smarter in front of friends. Eventually that becomes a habit, even when friends aren't around, just as Max was brave without Kevin. With Kevin around, Max has become a better person. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, Max became a stronger person. He believes in himself, does well in school, and has much more courage. Kevin really changed his life, and helped him to realize what he could do. They both learned that anyone can be friends, no matter their age, size, grades, or color. The quests and adventures that they went on were amazing, and being one as Freak the Mighty helped also with teamwork and obedience. Having a friend can really make a difference in someone's life, just like in The Mighty. Max and Kevin will have a lasting impression of friendship, loyalty, and courage. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ In the seventh grade, Max had the learning disability class, and wasn't very smart. When Kevin came, they were put together in the honors classes. Kevin told Max that reading was another type of listening, and that books were like ‘voices on paper.’ He also said that writing was like talking. Some people have a difficult time reading, like Max. If it is related to something they already know how to do well, [in this case, listening] then it becomes easier to do it. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Most people tend to act cooler, braver and/or smarter in front of friends. Eventually that becomes a habit, even when friends aren't around, just as Max was brave without Kevin. With Kevin around, Max has become a better person. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ After a ‘close encounter of the turd kind,’ Kevin asked, ‘You can take him, right?’ like he believed in Max. Later they ran into Blade again, and ran into this murky old millpond to get away. After they got out, it says in the book, ‘The cops made out like I was a hero rescuing the poor crippled midget kid.’ If people have confidence in you, it makes it easier to do hard things. You tend to take more responsibility, just like Max taking responsibility over Kevin at school. Having confidence in himself also helped Max to do better in school. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s intended message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Would you have the courage to wake up at 2 a.m., and sneak out to a sewer to look for something that your friend saw? Well, that is exactly what Max did. When they returned Loretta's purse, Max started to stick up for himself, instead of letting Kevin do it all. Also, Max gets kidnapped in the book by a criminal that murdered someone, who is on parole. He was really calm, like he knew someone would help him. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever been neglected? Or judged based on your looks? How about lonely and forgotten? The main character in Rodman Philbrick's novel Freak the Mighty is Maxwell who lives in a city knows that feeling. The problem he faces is that people have judged him based on his looks saying he will be just like his father known as Killer Kane. During the course of the story he meets a disabled boy named Kevin that changed everything. They were Freak the Mighty. Standing nine feet tall with Kevin riding high on Max's shoulders. Before Kevin, Max was rude, lonely, and had low self-esteem. After Kevin, Max was kindhearted, had a friend, and has great self consciousness.

Max was rude. He would always kick people or whoever gave him sympathy and hugs. He would say it wasn't real. What he means is people don't care about him but they hug him and feel sorry for him. He invented many games with kicking when he was in kindergarten, such as kick ball, kick teachers, kick boxing, kick knees, kick the other little day care critters etc. After Freak the Mighty, Max and Kevin's name when Kevin would get on Max's shoulders, Max would say "Yes sir" or "Thank you" to Gram and Grim, Max's grandparents, when they gave coffee or when he would respond to Grim.

When Max was lonely he wouldn't have friends to help him out. Max spent summers "picking at his navel" as his grandfather Grim would say. Max sometimes went shopping with his grandma Gram. After Kevin, Max and he went on all kinds of adventures and quests. They barely had time to be with family because they had quests like King Arthur because Kevin loved that book and hero. They were out all day slaying dragons and saving damsels in distress. They would always "hang out" and have dinner with each others family at times like Christmas or when Gwen, Kevin’s mom, wanted to get to know Max.

Max would call himself a butt head or say "which is typical butt head material" with his low self-esteem. He would always say he wasn't smart. His counselor would say "Your stubborn and you are lazy, so you didn't want to learn." After Kevin, Max improved his learning skills and it helped his low self esteem. He wouldn't call himself a butt head or say he was "stupid" or not intelligent. He could stand up for himself and not let bullies, Tony D alias Blade and his gang, pick on him or make fun of him anymore. He wouldn't let them get him in trouble for something he did not do.

Have you ever been neglected? Or judged on your looks? How about lonely and forgotten? I know everybody has felt that way once in their life. It happened to Max, but remember when you feel down, a good friend can come and change your world, you just have to give them a chance. Max did and it changed him completely. Remember another thing that Max had to go through when the book came close to the ending. Life goes on, even if you're in the position where it doesn't seem like it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer provides an adequate thesis that emphasizes the changes that occur in Max as a result of his friendship with Kevin. (“During the course of the story he meets a disabled boy named Kevin that changed everything. They were Freak the Mighty. Standing nine feet tall with Kevin riding high on Max's shoulders. Before Kevin, Max was rude, lonely, and had low self-esteem. After Kevin, Max was kindhearted, had a friend, and has great self consciousness.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer provides examples from the text to illustrate the changes in Max throughout the story. (“Max would call himself a butt head or say ‘which is typical butt head material’ with his low self-esteem. He would always say he wasn't smart. His counselor would say ‘Your stubborn and you are lazy, so you didn't want to learn.’ After Kevin, Max improved his learning skills and it helped his low self esteem.”)

Although there is some use of slang or contractions in the response, overall, the writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“After Kevin, Max and he went on all kinds of adventures and quests. They barely had time to be with family because they had quests like King Arthur because Kevin loved that book and hero. They were out all day slaying dragons and saving damsels in distress. They would always ‘hang out’ and have dinner with each others family at times like Christmas or when Gwen, Kevin’s mom, wanted to get to know Max.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Max was rude. He would always kick people or whoever gave him sympathy and hugs. He would say it wasn't real. What he means is people don't care about him but they hug him and feel sorry for him. He invented many games with kicking when he was in kindergarten, such as kick ball, kick teachers, kick boxing, kick knees, kick the other little day care critters etc. After Freak the Mighty, Max and Kevin's name when Kevin would get on Max's shoulders, Max would say ‘Yes sir’ or ‘Thank you’ to Gram and Grim, Max's grandparents, when they gave coffee or when he would respond to Grim.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“His counselor would say ‘Your stubborn and you are lazy, so you didn't want to learn.’ After Kevin, Max improved his learning skills and it helped his low self esteem. He wouldn't call himself a butt head or say he was ‘stupid’ or not intelligent. He could stand up for himself and not let bullies, Tony D alias Blade and his gang, pick on him or make fun of him anymore.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“When Max was lonely he wouldn't have friends to help him out. Max spent summers ‘picking at his navel’ as his grandfather Grim would say. Max sometimes went shopping with his grandma Gram. After Kevin, Max and he went on all kinds of adventures and quests. They barely had time to be with family because they had quests like King Arthur because Kevin loved that book and hero. They were out all day slaying dragons and saving damsels in distress. They would always ‘hang out’ and have dinner with each others family at times like Christmas or when Gwen, Kevin’s mom, wanted to get to know Max.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever been neglected? Or judged based on your looks? How about lonely and forgotten? The main character in Rodman Philbrick's novel Freak the Mighty is Maxwell who lives in a city knows that feeling. The problem he faces is that people have judged him based on his looks saying he will be just like his father known as Killer Kane. During the course of the story he meets a disabled boy named Kevin that changed everything. They were Freak the Mighty. Standing nine feet tall with Kevin riding high on Max's shoulders. Before Kevin, Max was rude, lonely, and had low self-esteem. After Kevin, Max was kindhearted, had a friend, and has great self consciousness.”)

The writer employs transitions in the essay to adequately connect ideas. (“ Max was rude. He would always kick people or whoever gave him sympathy and hugs. He would say it wasn't real. What he means is people don't care about him but they hug him and feel sorry for him. He invented many games with kicking when he was in kindergarten, such as kick ball, kick teachers, kick boxing, kick knees, kick the other little day care critters etc. After Freak the Mighty, Max and Kevin's name when Kevin would get on Max's shoulders, Max would say ‘Yes sir’ or ‘Thank you’ to Gram and Grim, Max's grandparents, when they gave coffee or when he would respond to Grim.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Have you ever been neglected? Or judged on your looks? How about lonely and forgotten? I know everybody has felt that way once in their life. It happened to Max, but remember when you feel down, a good friend can come and change your world, you just have to give them a chance. Max did and it changed him completely.Remember another thing that Max had to go through when the book came close to the ending. Life goes on, even if you're in the position where it doesn't seem like it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ He invented many games with kicking when he was in kindergarten, such as kick ball, kick teachers, kick boxing, kick knees, kick the other little day care critters etc. After Freak the Mighty, Max and Kevin's name when Kevin would get on Max's shoulders, Max would say "Yes sir" or "Thank you" to Gram and Grim, Max's grandparents, when they gave coffee or when he would respond to Grim.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she conveys the many changes observed in Max throughout the story. (“ Max would call himself a butt head or say ‘which is typical butt head material’ with his low self-esteem. He would always say he wasn't smart. His counselor would say ‘Your stubborn and you are lazy, so you didn't want to learn.’ After Kevin, Max improved his learning skills and it helped his low self esteem. He wouldn't call himself a butt head or say he was ‘stupid’ or not intelligent. He could stand up for himself and not let bullies, Tony D alias Blade and his gang, pick on him or make fun of him anymore. He wouldn't let them get him in trouble for something he did not do. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Max was rude. He would always kick people or whoever gave him sympathy and hugs. He would say it wasn't real. What he means is people don't care about him but they hug him and feel sorry for him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ Max spent summers ‘picking at his navel’ as his grandfather Grim would say. Max sometimes went shopping with his grandma Gram. After Kevin, Max and he went on all kinds of adventures and quests. They barely had time to be with family because they had quests like King Arthur because Kevin loved that book and hero.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book Freak the mighty, by Rodman Philbrick, their is a character named Max. Max is a big hard harted kid because he saw his mothers murder. All because of Freak, Max has changed alot. Even though he saw his mother killed, he became more caring to every one and more polite. Especially to freak. Freak also taught Max to speak his mind. Freak told him to tell anyone what he is thinking. The last thing Freak taught max to do before he died is to right a good book. Not just any book, but a book about all of their adventures. that is what Max needed the most in order to remember Freak.

Even though max witnessed the murder of his mother he got more caring, especially to Freak! After freak came back max didn't remember him much. So when Freak got the ornithopter stuck in the tree, he just stood their.Max gets the ornithopter from the tree. Max goes to Freak,"What you want this back or what?". After all of the adventures Max gets kinder and not as aggressive not just do this to Freak but, to everyone! Even to his killer dad he was a gentle man. He mostly cares about freak because when Freak is in the hospital max asks,"When are you coming home?". That shows that Max changed throughout the adventures, all because of Freak.

Freak also taught Max to speek his mind. Even though it might get him in trouble sometimes, it is still a good idea. After the incident with blade, max learns to speek his mind to his dad.He tells kenny all the things that he saw that night. "I cant get him loose of her, so all i can do is keep screaming, 'I know you killed her! I saw you!I saw you do it! You killed her and ill never forget, not ever!'" After that kenny never looked at his son teh same way again.

before all of the adventures Freak taught max to wright a good book. Max called it Freak the mighty. He based the adventures that they had together. He did this book because he wanted everyone to know about how good of a knight Freak was.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Max is a big hard harted kid because he saw his mothers murder. All because of Freak, Max has changed alot.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the changes in Max during the story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task; however, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Freak also taught Max to speek his mind. Even though it might get him in trouble sometimes, it is still a good idea. After the incident with blade, max learns to speek his mind to his dad.He tells kenny all the things that he saw that night.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Even though max witnessed the murder of his mother he got more caring, especially to Freak! After freak came back max didn't remember him much. So when Freak got the ornithopter stuck in the tree, he just stood their.Max gets the ornithopter from the tree. Max goes to Freak,’What you want this back or what?’. After all of the adventures Max gets kinder and not as aggressive not just do this to Freak but, to everyone! Even to his killer dad he was a gentle man. He mostly cares about freak because when Freak is in the hospital max asks,’When are you coming home?’. That shows that Max changed throughout the adventures, all because of Freak.”)

Content & Development

Content and the development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using limited evidence from the text.

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Even though max witnessed the murder of his mother he got more caring, especially to Freak! After freak came back max didn't remember him much. So when Freak got the ornithopter stuck in the tree, he just stood their.Max gets the ornithopter from the tree. Max goes to Freak,’What you want this back or what?’. After all of the adventures Max gets kinder and not as aggressive not just do this to Freak but, to everyone!”)

The writer mentions events that could potentially illustrate the changes in Max, but he/she does not develop the ideas sufficiently. (“Freak also taught Max to speek his mind. Even though it might get him in trouble sometimes, it is still a good idea. After the incident with blade, max learns to speek his mind to his dad.He tells kenny all the things that he saw that night.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Even to his killer dad he was a gentle man. He mostly cares about freak because when Freak is in the hospital max asks,’When are you coming home?’. That shows that Max changed throughout the adventures, all because of Freak.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing background information from the story. (“ In the book Freak the mighty, by Rodman Philbrick, their is a character named Max. Max is a big hard harted kid because he saw his mothers murder. All because of Freak, Max has changed alot. Even though he saw his mother killed, he became more caring to every one and more polite. Especially to freak. Freak also taught Max to speak his mind. Freak told him to tell anyone what he is thinking. The last thing Freak taught max to do before he died is to right a good book. Not just any book, but a book about all of their adventures. that is what Max needed the most in order to remember Freak. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Even though max witnessed the murder of his mother he got more caring, especially to Freak! After freak came back max didn't remember him much. So when Freak got the ornithopter stuck in the tree, he just stood their.Max gets the ornithopter from the tree. Max goes to Freak,’What you want this back or what?’. After all of the adventures Max gets kinder and not as aggressive not just do this to Freak but, to everyone! ”)

The conclusion is limited; it does not summarize the changes seen in the main character, and it does not give readers a sense of closure. (“ before all of the adventures Freak taught max to wright a good book. Max called it Freak the mighty. He based the adventures that they had together. He did this book because he wanted everyone to know about how good of a knight Freak was. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Although there are some attempts at more complex sentence structures, overall, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are many short, choppy sentences in the essay. (“ before all of the adventures Freak taught max to wright a good book. Max called it Freak the mighty. He based the adventures that they had together. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to illustrate some of the ways Max changed during the story, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events for readers to fully appreciate the changes revealed in the story. (“ After all of the adventures Max gets kinder and not as aggressive not just do this to Freak but, to everyone! Even to his killer dad he was a gentle man. He mostly cares about freak because when Freak is in the hospital max asks,’When are you coming home?’. That shows that Max changed throughout the adventures, all because of Freak. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ After freak came back max didn't remember him much. So when Freak got the ornithopter stuck in the tree, he just stood their.Max gets the ornithopter from the tree.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ In the book Freak the mighty, by Rodman Philbrick, their is a character named Max. Max is a big hard harted kid because he saw his mothers murder. All because of Freak, Max has changed alot. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hi i am doing a essay on freak the mighty. Before Maxwell met Kevin he was in a disabled class,he almost never came out of the down under (his room in the basement) and he was lonely and had no friends.

When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter and soon got to go in to a normal reading class in stead of a disabled class.

While Maxwell played with Kevin he started to come out more. Maxwell and Kevin would go places and pretend houses were castles and swimming pools were moats. They would pretend they were knights going on secret missions and other things.

In the end Kevin died and I think Maxwell got more friends and wasn't as lonely because people started talking more to him and lots of people felt sorry for him to lose his best friend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions some changes in the main character, Max; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter and soon got to go in to a normal reading class in stead of a disabled class.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for how Max’s friendship with Kevin changed his life for the best. (“ While Maxwell played with Kevin he started to come out more. Maxwell and Kevin would go places and pretend houses were castles and swimming pools were moats. They would pretend they were knights going on secret missions and other things. In the end Kevin died and I think Maxwell got more friends and wasn't as lonely because people started talking more to him and lots of people felt sorry for him to lose his best friend. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain Max’s changes as a result of his friendship with Kevin. (“ Before Maxwell met Kevin he was in a disabled class,he almost never came out of the down under [his room in the basement] and he was lonely and had no friends. When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter…”)

Content & Development

The essay includes minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer attempts to address some of the changes observed in the main character, Max, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the character’s progression and its implications. (“When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter and soon got to go in to a normal reading class in stead of a disabled class.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used effectively to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“While Maxwell played with Kevin he started to come out more. Maxwell and Kevin would go places and pretend houses were castles and swimming pools were moats. They would pretend they were knights going on secret missions and other things.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are only minimally developed main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In the end Kevin died and I think Maxwell got more friends and wasn't as lonely because people started talking more to him and lots of people felt sorry for him to lose his best friend.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is minimal use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Hi i am doing a essay on freak the mighty.”)

The essay does not create effective supporting paragraphs that reflect the many ways Max changed throughout the story. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter and soon got to go in to a normal reading class in stead of a disabled class.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the changes in Max, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ In the end Kevin died and I think Maxwell got more friends and wasn't as lonely because people started talking more to him and lots of people felt sorry for him to lose his best friend. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ When Maxwell met Kevin Kevin always said words he didn't understand and when he asked Kevin what it meant Kevin would sometimes make him look it up in the dictionary he always carried with him so Maxwell slowly got smarter and soon got to go in to a normal reading class in stead of a disabled class.”)

Simple word choices and poorly constructed sentences hinder the communication of the writer’s message. (“ In the end Kevin died and I think Maxwell got more friends and wasn't as lonely because people started talking more to him and lots of people felt sorry for him to lose his best friend.”)

The writer’s style and voice are minimal at best. (“ While Maxwell played with Kevin he started to come out more. Maxwell and Kevin would go places and pretend houses were castles and swimming pools were moats. They would pretend they were knights going on secret missions and other things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Hi i am doing a essay on freak the mighty. Before Maxwell met Kevin he was in a disabled class,he almost never came out of the down under [his room in the basement] and he was lonely and had no friends. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A kid named maxwell lives with his grandparents which he calls them grim and gram. And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom. maxwell is not like other kids becuase he is not smart as the other kidsin school he has no friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not provide an identifiable central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“A kid named maxwell lives with his grandparents which he calls them grim and gram.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“maxwell is not like other kids becuase he is not smart as the other kidsin school he has no friends.”)

Content & Development

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“A kid named maxwell lives with his grandparents which he calls them grim and gram. And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom. maxwell is not like other kids becuase he is not smart as the other kidsin school he has no friends.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a thesis that explains what the essay is about. (“ A kid named maxwell lives with his grandparents which he calls them grim and gram.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ maxwell is not like other kids becuase he is not smart as the other kidsin school he has no friends.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ maxwell is not like other kids becuase he is not smart as the other kidsin school he has no friends.”)

The writer does not demonstrate style or voice in the essay response. (“ A kid named maxwell lives with his grandparents which he calls them grim and gram.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“ And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“And he doesn't have his dad with him because he is in jail because they thouht he killed maxwells mom.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“The Monsters are Due on Maple Street ”

In Scene Two of Rod Serling's television drama, “ The Monsters are Due on Maple Street ,” Figure One says, "Their world is full of Maple Streets. And we'll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other ... one to the other ... one to the other."

What did Figure One mean? What are your thoughts about Figure One's statement as it applies to the story told? Write an essay in which you explain the meaning of Figure One's statement and discuss your opinion about it. Be sure to support your explanation with examples and evidence from the drama.

Score Point 6 – very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Under a black near void dotted with a few golden spots of radiance, two figures on a field overlooking a crazy massacre of humans below on Maple Street discussed something. The first figure was explaining a plan to the other figure. The first one said, "Their world is full of Maple Streets. And we'll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. Once to the other ... one to the other ... one to the other." Why would he be emphasizing so much on the "one to the other" phrase? Precisely what was he trying to spell out when he did that? I know he was probably talking about a plan to weed out the human race, and it sounded like a very clever one as well. Some of you may think his plan is not good at all, and some of you do not understand what the first figure was saying in the first place. My interpretation might clear a few ideas and help you look at the story in a different way.

The figure, as I said, was explaining to another figure about a plan to eradicate the human race. However, instead of doing the job with the risky all-out war with weapons and deaths, they formulated a plan so that all they had to do was flip a few switches and "sit back...and watch." The figure, whose name is only given as Figure One, was explaining a pattern he had observed to Figure Two. The pattern was that once you shut off the humans' machines, the humans would destroy themselves. Figure Two then replies wondering if Maple Street is unique at all in the human world. Maple Street was pictured as the typical American suburb in the beginning of the story. Figure One agrees. He explains that they will go to each " Maple Street ," which is referring to all the typical American suburbs and possibly other places, and initiate this pattern he discovered. Figure One was probably repeating the words "one to the other" because he wanted to highlight that they will keep on going and making humans kill each other until they had visited every single " Maple Street " and had accomplished their mission of killing off the human race. Basically, Figure One was saying that they would enact this strategy everywhere until all the humans were gone.

Figure must be a pretty smart alien. Not only had he found a way to conquer Earth that was stealthy and did not require much ammunition or weapons, but his way also made sure that the humans did not even realize that they were begin attacked. I think that is a very great way to take over the world. The only downside is that it will most likely take a while before the aliens will have visited every single " Maple Street " in the world. They could just get thousands of teams of aliens and the takeover would probably be successful quickly. Figure One's plan is so good that it would be able to work in my neighborhood. One reason is that the people in my neighborhood do not know each other that well, so there would be a thicker cloud of mystery, fear, and tension than there was in "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" in which all the neighbors knew each other pretty well. There are also little kids who may act as Tommy in the story and instill fear in everyone by saying that the aliens appear just like us and walk among us in my neighborhood. At the end of the story, the Narrator says some very thoughtful statements that got me thinking about real life in general.

Right after Figure One said the phrase this essay is about, the Narrator started saying very true things. He mentioned that a frantic search for a scapegoat has its own fallout. In my life, I can think of many times in my life I have blamed something I did on someone else. Just recently, my mom and I were blaming the lady that was teaching me how to put contacts on in the doctor's office for not teaching me the correct way and that was why I could not put them on my eyes during my first visit. Why this is definitely not an extreme case where the consequence is a figurative fallout, but some other more serious situation like for example getting a scapegoat to blame for killing someone you actually killed has a fallout consequence. When he talked about how prejudices kill, I thought of the Holocaust and how the Nazis' prejudices led them to slaughter so many Jewish people brutally. Afterward, he said that suspicion can destroy. Figure One already knew that thoughts, attitudes, and prejudices of humans could transform into lethal weapons against other humans, so he took advantage of those weaknesses and devised the plan.

The aliens used a sneaky plan that took advantage of obvious human weaknesses such as thoughts that can easily be manipulated and our tendency to not think at all when we are scared of the unknown. This strategy is effective because nothing much can protect those weaknesses unlike shields and armor defending against weapons and explosions. Clearly, Rod Serling knew what made humans weak. Without a doubt, this statement is true when he showed the slightly surprising part of the two aliens behind all the chaos of the Maple Street people and the mysterious feel throughout the story. One of the messages of Serling was that things are not always what they seem to be. Maybe another message that the story showed was that humans are definitely not perfect, which is the opposite of what some humans believe. So I thank Figure One and Rod Serling for saying that and making me learn a tad bit more on how I should improve myself. I should learn how to prevent being manipulated like the fictional people were in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates a very effective, engaging, and constant focus and meaning. The author clearly and strongly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs regarding the meaning of Figure One’s statement. (“ Figure One was probably repeating the words ‘one to the other’ because he wanted to highlight that they will keep on going and making humans kill each other until they had visited every single ‘Maple Street’ and had accomplished their mission of killing off the human race. Basically, Figure One was saying that they would enact this strategy everywhere until all the humans were gone.”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and very effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed by using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence. (“ Figure must be a pretty smart alien. Not only had he found a way to conquer Earth that was stealthy and did not require much ammunition or weapons, but his way also made sure that the humans did not even realize that they were begin attacked. I think that is a very great way to take over the world. The only downside is that it will most likely take a while before the aliens will have visited every single ‘ Maple Street ’ in the world. They could just get thousands of teams of aliens and the takeover would probably be successful quickly.”) In addition, the writer provides further insight into the meaning of the quote by relating this to his/her own personal experience. (“ Right after Figure One said the phrase this essay is about, the Narrator started saying very true things. He mentioned that a frantic search for a scapegoat has its own fallout. In my life, I can think of many times in my life I have blamed something I did on someone else. Just recently, my mom and I were blaming the lady that was teaching me how to put contacts on in the doctor's office for not teaching me the correct way and that was why I could not put them on my eyes during my first visit. Why this is definitely not an extreme case where the consequence is a figurative fallout, but some other more serious situation like for example getting a scapegoat to blame for killing someone you actually killed has a fallout consequence.”)

Organization

The organization within this essay is very effective. The writer provides an introduction that opens the essay in a creative way, thereby creating interest for readers to continue reading. (“ Under a black near void dotted with a few golden spots of radiance, two figures on a field overlooking a crazy massacre of humans below on Maple Street discussed something. The first figure was explaining a plan to the other figure. The first one said, ‘Their world is full of Maple Streets. And we'll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. Once to the other ... one to the other ... one to the other.’ Why would he be emphasizing so much on the ‘one to the other’ phrase? Precisely what was he trying to spell out when he did that? ”) The conclusion goes beyond summing up the main points and leaves the readers with more to think about. (“ The aliens used a sneaky plan that took advantage of obvious human weaknesses such as thoughts that can easily be manipulated and our tendency to not think at all when we are scared of the unknown. This strategy is effective because nothing much can protect those weaknesses unlike shields and armor defending against weapons and explosions. Clearly, Rod Serling knew what made humans weak.”) Lastly, there is very effective use of transitions between sentences, providing a smooth flow of ideas from one to another. (“ Basically, Figure One was saying that they would enact this strategy everywhere until all the humans were gone. … In my life, I can think of many times in my life I have blamed something I did on someone else. … Clearly, Rod Serling knew what made humans weak.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and effective. The author discusses Figure One’s statement in a diverse and descriptive manner and chooses words that imaginatively engage the readers. The writer’s voice remains well defined and engaging, and he/she establishes a strong sense of audience. In addition, word usage is generally correct, and sentences are varied in length. (“ Figure must be a pretty smart alien. Not only had he found a way to conquer Earth that was stealthy and did not require much ammunition or weapons, but his way also made sure that the humans did not even realize that they were begin attacked. …The aliens used a sneaky plan that took advantage of obvious human weaknesses such as thoughts that can easily be manipulated and our tendency to not think at all when we are scared of the unknown. This strategy is effective because nothing much can protect those weaknesses unlike shields and armor defending against weapons and explosions. Clearly, Rod Serling knew what made humans weak.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes effective control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. (“ When he talked about how prejudices kill, I thought of the Holocaust and how the Nazis' prejudices led them to slaughter so many Jewish people brutally. Afterward, he said that suspicion can destroy. Figure One already knew that thoughts, attitudes, and prejudices of humans could transform into lethal weapons against other humans, so he took advantage of those weaknesses and devised the plan.”)

Score Point 5 – strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In the story “Monsters are due on Maple Street ,” Figure one says “Their world is full on Maple Streets. And we’ll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other... one to the other... one to the other.” I believe that figure one was trying to explain that the aliens didn’t need to destroy the people, the people were doing it themselves. There are greater weapons than bombs or guns, they are called prejudice and attitude. I believe that the reason people blame things on each other or come to conclusions about each other is they don’t want bad things to be credited as their fault. They don’t want to face the truth sometimes. In the world people judge each other by their religion, their way of life, and by how they look. It is our thoughts and reactions that destroy us.

In the text, the people on Maple Street started to argue about what was happening and no one was trying to work together on the issue and try to figure it out. They were being prejudice about one another, stating their opinion, and sticking with it. The people on Maple Street were saying things like “ We shouldn’t leave, they don’t want’s us too,” or “ What gave you that idea.” They should have listened to everyone opinion and there reason for thinking instead of drawing conclusions right away. I believe that they were being prejudice about one another and not listening to their ideas because they might have believed that that person was not smart enough, or their to little, or they do weird things.

In the story “Monsters are due on Maple Street ,” people couldn’t figure out what was going on so they started blaming other people. One man by the name of Charlie was being prejudice about another man and making up stuff about the man. When people do things like this it doesn’t solve the problem it just creates more of a problem.

As a result of all of the prejudice and attitudes going off someone decided to bring out a gun. I believe that this man chose to bring a weapon out because he was not calm, was steamed up by the way people were treating one another, and wanted something to be done about this whole thing. But, once again, he came to the wrong conclusion about somebody and ended up hurting someone. Before we act or say something we should think about the consequences of that action.

The real weapons for this world are not bombs or guns, it can be prejudice and attitudes. You may say, o those things aren’t bad, there just silly judgments, but when you think about it more, you come to find that those are the real weapons, or that they are the reason we go into war and fight with each other. That is what I believe figure one was trying to get across to the people of Maple Street .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong main idea of Figure One’s statement and how it relates to mankind and manages to expand on this idea with a fair amount of detail. (“As a result of all of the prejudice and attitudes going off someone decided to bring out a gun. I believe that this man chose to bring a weapon out because he was not calm, was steamed up by the way people were treating one another, and wanted something to be done about this whole thing. But, once again, he came to the wrong conclusion about somebody and ended up hurting someone. Before we act or say something we should think about the consequences of that action.”) The writer also uses direct quotations from the text to reference the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is creative, descriptive, and clear. Ideas are clearly introduced by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and detailed quotes. The writer does an effective job of making connections between the characters in the text to create a strong overall comparison regarding the actions of humans in crisis. (“The real weapons for this world are not bombs or guns, it can be prejudice and attitudes. You may say, o those things aren’t bad, there just silly judgments, but when you think about it more, you come to find that those are the real weapons, or that they are the reason we go into war and fight with each other. That is what I believe figure one was trying to get across to the people of Maple Street .”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer’s view of Figure One’s statement is clearly defined in the opening paragraph and is further supported by a cohesive, unified structure and conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. (“In the story ‘Monsters are due on Maple Street ,’ people couldn’t figure out what was going on so they started blaming other people. One man by the name of Charlie was being prejudice about another man and making up stuff about the man. When people do things like this it doesn’t solve the problem it just creates more of a problem.”) The structure of the essay remains cohesive throughout.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The author compares the main idea and characters in a clever manner, choosing words that strongly hold the readers’ interest. The author’s voice is clearly defined, and he/she has a strong sense of audience. (“I believe that figure one was trying to explain that the aliens didn’t need to destroy the people, the people were doing it themselves. There are greater weapons than bombs or guns, they are called prejudice and attitude. I believe that the reason people blame things on each other or come to conclusions about each other is they don’t want bad things to be credited as their fault.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. (“They don’t want to face the truth sometimes. In the world people judge each other by their religion, their way of life, and by how they look. It is our thoughts and reactions that destroy us.”) A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 – adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Monsters are due on Maple Street . This is unique story of how we the humans the people are our own nightmare. Aliens from outer space come to visit a loving community. Well not really. In the end of the story the head alien says something that will someday teach us a lesson.

When a community turns on each other they start to point fingers. The alien says “There world is full of Maple Streets.” what he says can easily be interoperated. The alien means that every loving community like this one will end up the same accusing each other of being “aliens”. They know if they make something go wrong in a neighborhood and sit back the humans will start to get paranoid and worried. So the real monsters would be us. That’s what he means from that brief sentence it says we are the ones the monsters.

The voice, alien, or what ever you want to call it also says that they will go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. When one of the tells the people he knows whats going on the turn to him and listen. On of the neighbor’s is the first to be a suspect. His car all of asunder turns on and then right back off. The people soon blame him and incriminate him. Some ask questions others give suggestions until it turns into a MOB. One moment they were happy with their life the other their going on an attack mode.

Then the Drama starts to get physical. One of the neighbor named Charlie shoots a shoot gun right into a figure but the figure is a neighbor named Pete Van Horn. He just went to the next community to see if there lights had gone out aswell. Figure one completely knew that the humans would do this to each other. He says “and they will kill each other one to the other, one to the other, one to the other”. He will keep doing this in every community like this one and let them kill themselves. But the most weird thing is that Charlie said that it was Tommy that was the alien. He said that Tommy must be the one because he knew so much. After that everybody was a suspect.

This is a good lesson to all of us that we are some times our worst enemies. That or our neighbor’s are. It just goes to show all of you that we are to freigton to settle down and think of the possibilities. Next time you find yourself blaming others blame yourself. It would be gurus if you kill somebody wouldn’t it. So never blame others or start to point fingers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The author maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer establi shes a consistent focus regarding Figure One and his view of humanity (“ The alien means that every loving community like this one will end up the same accusing each other of being ‘aliens’. They know if they make something go wrong in a neighborhood and sit back the humans will start to get paranoid and worried. So the real monsters would be us. That’s what he means from that brief sentence it says we are the ones the monsters.”), but descriptions and details are not in-depth . The writer also demonstrates a general use of quotations from the text in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced using some specific, accurate evidence and quotes. The writer does give a full explanation of what Figure One’s statement meant regarding humanity, and does so in a manner that adequately develops his/her overall argument. (“Then the Drama starts to get physical. One of the neighbor named Charlie shoots a shoot gun right into a figure but the figure is a neighbor named Pete Van Horn. He just went to the next community to see if there lights had gone out aswell. Figure one completely knew that the humans would do this to each other. He says ‘and they will kill each other one to the other, one to the other, one to the other’. He will keep doing this in every community like this one and let them kill themselves.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer fully discusses Figure One’s view of humanity throughout the opening paragraph and supports it with a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent . The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive with a noticeable introduction, conclusion (“ This is a good lesson to all of us that we are some times our worst enemies. That or our neighbor’s are. It just goes to show all of you that we are to freigton to settle down and think of the possibilities. Next time you find yourself blaming others blame yourself.”) , and use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. (“But the most weird thing is that Charlie said that it was Tommy that was the alien. He said that Tommy must be the one because he knew so much. After that everybody was a suspect.”) The author demonstrates a basic control of voice and an awareness of audience. The author compares Figure One’s beliefs and the different characters’ nature in a general fashion, and he/she uses words that generally hold the readers’ interest.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract from the communication of the writer’s message. (“When one of the tells the people he knows whats going on the turn to him and listen. On of the neighbor’s is the first to be a suspect. His car all of asunder turns on and then right back off. The people soon blame him and incriminate him.”)

Score Point 3 – partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In scene two of Rod Serving’s television drama “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street Figure One says their world is full of Maple streets. And well go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other one to the other one to the other.

The people are accusing each other because the problems in their houses.The people are distrustful and fighting each other they don’t know what is happening.The people are having just started to happen with no reason. When the people start to leave the boy tommy started to talk. He said people you cant leave people said what do you mean? People said what are you talking about.Then tommy said they dot want us to leave that’s why they shut everything. Steve said what makes you say that! Steve said that’s thecraziest thing I ever heard. When the people got out of the house and got in groups. Some people think the problem was a joke or a gang and the look around the groups of people some people dot no who to explain the problems. After everything happen the people start to heart things in the street steve grabs the shotgun and looks around and he sees someone in the dark and he shots him. He didn’t think that he was doing in when he shot he dint thing who he shot he thing that was alien and he kill a person.

And steve looks around at the circle of faces his eyes frightened his face contorted.But... but I didn’t know who he was!.He comes walkin out in the darkness how am I supposed to know who he was!The people didn’t know the problems are the same people the alien’s plans who people get out of crazy.I’T was a mob.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does attempt to discuss and compare the meaning of Figure One’s statement and the nature of several characters, but the comparison is vague. (“ The people are distrustful and fighting each other they don’t know what is happening.The people are having just started to happen with no reason. When the people start to leave the boy tommy started to talk. He said people you cant leave people said what do you mean?”) The writer also demonstrates a brief use of direct quotations in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The author’s use of quotations from the text is brief and makes unclear connections with the main idea of the essay. (“In scene two of Rod Serving’s television drama ‘The Monsters are Due on Maple Street Figure One says their world is full of Maple streets. And well go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other one to the other one to the other. The people are accusing each other because the problems in their houses.The people are distrustful and fighting each other they don’t know what is happening.”) The writer does make an overall attempt to compare the characters’ nature and how they are viewed by the aliens, but this comparison is inconsistent and lacks detail.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding Figure One’s statement in reference to humanity is present, but limited. The overall descriptive support within the opening, body, and conclusion is lacking. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent (“And steve looks around at the circle of faces his eyes frightened his face contorted.But... but I didn’t know who he was!.He comes walkin out in the darkness how am I supposed to know who he was!The people didn’t know the problems are the same people the alien’s plans who people get out of crazy.I’T was a mob.”), and the author’s arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. (“He said people you cant leave people said what do you mean? People said what are you talking about.Then tommy said they dot want us to leave that’s why they shut everything. Steve said what makes you say that! Steve said that’s thecraziest thing I ever heard. When the people got out of the house and got in groups.”) The author compares the two speeches and characters in a basic manner, using generic, nondescriptive words. The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. (“When the people start to leave the boy tommy started to talk. He said people you cant leave people said what do you mean? People said what are you talking about.Then tommy said they dot want us to leave that’s why they shut everything. Steve said what makes you say that!”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 – limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In scene two of Rod Serling’s television drama, The Monsters are due on Maple Street, Figure One says, ‘‘their world is full of maple streets. And we’ll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other...one the the other... one the the other. People are the same everywhere. This story that everyone is the same even if they are poor it So.’s not mater where they are. people blame each other even if there is no reason. Instead of thinking through the problem they go straight to making conclusions and start blaming one another. that people have tools to solve their problems and they don’t even know. there are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices- to be found only in the minds of men charlie No...No...it’s nothing of the sort! I don’t know why the lights are no. I swear i don’t. somebody’s pulling a gag or something. [He bumps against steve, who grabs him and whirls him around.] [people shot and scream as the lights go on and off. then, slowly in the mind of this nightmarish confusion of sight and sound, the camera starts to pull away until, once again we have reached the opening shot looking at the Maple street sign from high above

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“This story that everyone is the same even if they are poor it So.’s not mater where they are. people blame each other even if there is no reason. Instead of thinking through the problem they go straight to making conclusions and start blaming one another. that people have tools to solve their problems and they don’t even know.”) The writer makes almost no attempt to discuss the meaning of Figure One’s statement and how it relates to human nature. The writer also uses minimal quotations or references to the text throughout the written piece.

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. (“The Monsters are due on Maple Street, Figure One says, ‘their world is full of maple streets. And we’ll go from one to the other and let them destroy themselves. One to the other...one the the other... one the the other. People are the same everywhere. This story that everyone is the same even if they are poor.”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The use of direct quotations is brief, and the author struggles to connect the quotations with the main idea of the essay. The comparison of the characters’ nature and the aliens’ opinion of humans are vague at best.

Organization

In this essay, the use of information regarding Figure One and his view of humanity is either vague or incomplete. Descriptions within the opening, body, and conclusion are lacking and incomplete. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument. (“there are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices- to be found only in the minds of men charlie No...No...it’s nothing of the sort! I don’t know why the lights are no. I swear i don’t. somebody’s pulling a gag or something.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. The author compares Figure One and the different human characters in a minimal fashion, using nondescriptive language. The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, while committing basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage. (“ I swear i don’t. somebody’s pulling a gag or something. [He bumps against steve, who grabs him and whirls him around.] [people shot and scream as the lights go on and off. then, slowly in the mind of this nightmarish confusion of sight and sound, the camera starts to pull away until, once again

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“men charlie No...No...it’s nothing of the sort! I don’t know why the lights are no. I swear i don’t. somebody’s pulling a gag or something.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

in scene to a rod serings television drama the monstrers are due on maple street. figure one says their world is full of maple street.

On Maple street people are the same all was. People blaming pointing fiogersat each other fearful of the unknown and instead of thinking through the problon they just rect.

people were confused because weird things were happening things were not working on Maple street for example lown mowers and phones did not work. Cars would not start or would start without a person starting them. THE Lights were not working in the house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning. The author fails to establish any type of focus in regards to answering the main ideas listed in the prompt. (“On Maple street people are the same all was. People blaming pointing fiogersat each other fearful of the unknown and instead of thinking through the problon they just rect.”) There is virtually no discussion of the principal characters. The writer uses no reference material or quotations from the text to create any kind of argument.

Content & Development

In this essay, information regarding Figure One’s statement about humanity is partial. There is no structure within the argument, and there is also no visible introduction or conclusion. (“Cars would not start or would start without a person starting them. THE Lights were not working in the house.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are non-existent.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding Figure One’s beliefs in reference to human nature is partial. There is no structure within the argument, and there is also no visible introduction or conclusion. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are non-existent. (“People blaming pointing fiogersat each other fearful of the unknown and instead of thinking through the problon they just rect.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner. (“people were confused because weird things were happening things were not working on Maple street for example lown mowers and phones did not work.”) There is no awareness of an audience and no use of voice. There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message. (“On Maple street people are the same all was.”)

The Most Influential Spirit in A Christmas Carol

In the story, Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the spirits of Christmas past, present, and future on Christmas Eve. Each spirit leads Scrooge to view one of three different times in his life in order to teach him a lesson. The spirits are determined to convince Scrooge to start being more compassionate and less miserly. Which spirit's message do you think had the greatest impact on Scrooge?

In a multi-paragraph essay, explain which Christmas spirit you think had the greatest influence on Scrooge. Include details and examples from the story to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the novel A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, the character of Ebenezer Scrooge changes immensely in just one special night. He is originally consumed with money and has no appreciation or spirit for Christmas, or anything for that matter. He is strongly against the Christmas spirit and sums up how he feels about it in one expression, "Bah, humbug!" Ebenezer Scrooge is a miserly, cold-hearted creditor who continues with his stingy, greedy ways on Christmas Eve. Then, he is visited by the spirits of Christmas. The scenes these spirits reveal to him completely change his attitude towards Christmas and life. They all had a great influence, but the Spirit of Christmas Past had the most immense influence on Ebenezer Scrooge.

Firstly, the influence of Christmas Past is evident when he reveals the scene of the schoolboy Scrooge alone in the schoolhouse. Scrooge is very saddened by this and the loneliness of his childhood. Immediately, he sees how neglected he was as a child by his classmates, and is saddened even more. Furthermore, Scrooge regrets not giving the little boy who sang Christmas carols for him any money and says, "There was a boy singing a Christmas carol outside my door last night, and I should have given him something: that's all." This implies that the lonely little boy had reminded Scrooge of himself, and he regrets not being helpful to the unfortunate child.

In addition, Christmas Past is of potent influence when he reveals both the scenes of Scrooge with his sister before school break and also when he was at Fezziwig's retirement party. First of all, the great love he had for his sister shows that down deep, Scrooge really does have a good heart. Additionally, he finds Fezziwig very admirable and as an inspirational figure and wants to be just like him. Furthermore, he is so fond of Fezziwig's way of treating employees that he says, referring to Fezziwig, "If I ever own a firm of my own, I shall treat my apprentices with the same grace." After seeing this, he regrets how he has treated his clerk, Bob Cratchit, and wishes to speak with him.

Hindmost, when the scene of Scrooge parting ways with Fezziwig's daughter is revealed, the Spirit of Christmas Past's potent influence is proven once again. At this time, Scrooge became consumed with money and greed. In addition, he forgets about the finer things in life such as love. Scrooge strongly wishes he had stayed with that exceptional woman and regrets his greed.

Ultimately, Scrooge is immensely influenced by Christmas Past. He now regrets and will change the way he treats children and desperately unfortunate people. Also, Scrooge is ashamed by how he has treated his clerk after seeing what he quoted earlier in his life. He is also regretful for becoming consumed with money and greed and wants to become more appreciative for the finer things in life. Therefore, Dickens gives various examples that portray the great influence Christmas Past had on Ebenezer Scrooge.

At the end of the novel, the way all the spirits have influenced Scrooge is shown when Scrooge wakes up in his bedroom and learns that the whole adventure took only one night, not three; it is Christmas Day. In addition to smiling and being friendly to everyone he sees, he sends a large turkey to the family of Bob Cratchit, gives a sizable donation to the charity worker he previously insulted, has a wonderful time at Fred's party, and gives Cratchit a raise. Scrooge continues his kindly ways after Christmas, befriending everyone and becoming a second father to Tiny Tim, who does not die. He never sees the ghosts again, but he keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in his heart as well as anyone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. In particular, this essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Ebenezer Scrooge is a miserly, cold-hearted creditor who continues with his stingy, greedy ways on Christmas Eve. Then, he is visited by the spirits of Christmas. The scenes these spirits reveal to him completely change his attitude towards Christmas and life.”) This essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Firstly, the influence of Christmas Past is evident when he reveals the scene of the schoolboy Scrooge alone in the schoolhouse. Scrooge is very saddened by this and the loneliness of his childhood.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ They all had a great influence, but the Spirit of Christmas Past had the most immense influence on Ebenezer Scrooge . . . . Christmas Past is of potent influence when he reveals both the scenes of Scrooge with his sister before school break and also when he was at Fezziwig's retirement party.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Primarily, the essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ Scrooge is very saddened by this and the loneliness of his childhood. Immediately, he sees how neglected he was as a child by his classmates, and is saddened even more. ”) Supporting details develop the examples well. (“ Furthermore, Scrooge regrets not giving the little boy who sang Christmas carols for him any money and says, ‘There was a boy singing a Christmas carol outside my door last night, and I should have given him something: that's all.’ This implies that the lonely little boy had reminded Scrooge of himself, and he regrets not being helpful to the unfortunate child. ”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“ Furthermore, he is so fond of Fezziwig's way of treating employees that he says, referring to Fezziwig, ‘If I ever own a firm of my own, I shall treat my apprentices with the same grace.’ After seeing this, he regrets how he has treated his clerk, Bob Cratchit, and wishes to speak with him. ”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. Specifically, the essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. (“ In the novel A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, the character of Ebenezer Scrooge changes immensely in just one special night. He is originally consumed with money and has no appreciation or spirit for Christmas, or anything for that matter.”) The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ The scenes these spirits reveal to him completely change his attitude towards Christmas and life. They all had a great influence, but the Spirit of Christmas Past had the most immense influence on Ebenezer Scrooge.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ He never sees the ghosts again, but he keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in his heart as well as anyone.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Ultimately, Scrooge is immensely influenced by Christmas Past. He now regrets and will change the way he treats children and desperately unfortunate people. Also, Scrooge is ashamed by how he has treated his clerk after seeing what he quoted earlier in his life.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Firstly, the influence of Christmas Past is evident when he reveals the scene of the schoolboy Scrooge alone in the schoolhouse. Scrooge is very saddened by this and the loneliness of his childhood. Immediately, he sees how neglected he was as a child by his classmates, and is saddened even more.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Scrooge continues his kindly ways after Christmas, befriending everyone and becoming a second father to Tiny Tim, who does not die. He never sees the ghosts again, but he keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in his heart as well as anyone.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“Also, Scrooge is ashamed by how he has treated his clerk after seeing what he quoted earlier in his life. He is also regretful for becoming consumed with money and greed and wants to become more appreciative for the finer things in life. Therefore, Dickens gives various examples that portray the great influence Christmas Past had on Ebenezer Scrooge.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Silence is golden, so people say. Sometimes, when in doubt about learning something extremely important, silence will help you. In the timeless story of A Christmas Carol, the silent spirit proved to be the most influential. The third spirit, the silent spirit, was dressed in a long black robe that covered his face. He met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. The third spirit brought Scrooge into the future, and in the future, Scrooge encountered many devastating incidents. In the end, Scrooge promised the spirit that he would keep Christmas in his heart and be merry about the occasion. That is why I think the third spirit had the biggest influence on Scrooge.

To begin with, the third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. It was as if the ghost had given Scrooge the materials to learn; now all Scrooge had to do was use them. One reason why I think the third spirit made a big influence on Scrooge is because he was very different. Not only didn’t he talk, but he also never showed his face. The other two spirits before him had very distinct features on their faces. The third spirit, however, had almost no body. A long black robe was draped over him, completely covering his hands and feet. This may have both shocked and scared Scrooge, signaling that the future would indeed be scary if he did not begin to change his greedy, stingy ways.

Moreover, another thing that scared Scrooge was his visions of the future. In the future, Scrooge encountered many devastating incidents. These incidents created very large impacts on Scrooge. One incident was that of Tiny Tim's death. Tiny Tim was the crippled son of Ebenezer's employee, Bob Cratchit. Earlier in the story, Scrooge had been taken to the household of Bob Cratchit where he saw Tiny Tim for the first time. Tiny Tim was crippled on his leg and very ill. When Scrooge asked if he would die, the second spirit said that his time was soon. Scrooge pitied the young boy with great sorrow. When he found out that Tiny Tim would die, he was even more devastated. The death only made Scrooge want to change even more. Another location the third spirit took him to was a graveyard. In the graveyard, he noticed something peculiar. It was a small, neglected grave. When Scrooge went to go see which person the grave belonged to, he noticed a horrifying sight. The grave was his.

In the end, Scrooge had promised the third spirit that he would keep Christmas in his heart and be merry about the occasion. In the beginning of the story, Scrooge was a very greedy man. He valued his wealth more than anything. He was a cold-hearted and angry man. He hated Christmas because it was a time where everyone was happy but, when he encountered the scary presence of the Ghost of Future, Scrooge was definitely motivated to change.

As I said before, silence is golden, and can be scary, too! The spirit that had the most influence on Scrooge was the third spirit. The third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not speak a word, nor did he show his face. The third spirit brought Scrooge into the future. In the future, Scrooge encountered many devastating incidents. These incidents impacted Scrooge more so than any other spirit he encountered in the tale of A Christmas Carol.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ Silence is golden, so people say. Sometimes, when in doubt about learning something extremely important, silence will help you. In the timeless story of A Christmas Carol, the silent spirit proved to be the most influential.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ He was a cold-hearted and angry man. He hated Christmas because it was a time where everyone was happy but, when he encountered the scary presence of the Ghost of Future, Scrooge was definitely motivated to change.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ To begin with, the third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. It was as if the ghost had given Scrooge the materials to learn; now all Scrooge had to do was use them . . . . Not only didn’t he talk, but he also never showed his face.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ When he found out that Tiny Tim would die, he was even more devastated. The death only made Scrooge want to change even more.”) The essay also includes good, specific details from the text that relate to the main character. (“ Another location the third spirit took him to was a graveyard. In the graveyard, he noticed something peculiar. It was a small, neglected grave. When Scrooge went to go see which person the grave belonged to, he noticed a horrifying sight. The grave was his.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ To begin with, the third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. It was as if the ghost had given Scrooge the materials to learn; now all Scrooge had to do was use them. One reason why I think the third spirit made a big influence on Scrooge is because he was very different.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. There is also consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. T he essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Silence is golden, so people say. Sometimes, when in doubt about learning something extremely important, silence will help you. In the timeless story of A Christmas Carol, the silent spirit proved to be the most influential.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ To begin with, the third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk . . . . Moreover, another thing that scared Scrooge was his visions of the future. In the future, Scrooge encountered many devastating incidents.”) The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ As I said before, silence is golden, and can be scary, too! The spirit that had the most influence on Scrooge was the third spirit.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ These incidents created very large impacts on Scrooge. One incident was that of Tiny Tim's death. Tiny Tim was the crippled son of Ebenezer's employee, Bob Cratchit. Earlier in the story, Scrooge had been taken to the household of Bob Cratchit where he saw Tiny Tim for the first time.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ To begin with, the third spirit may have met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. It was as if the ghost had given Scrooge the materials to learn; now all Scrooge had to do was use them. One reason why I think the third spirit made a big influence on Scrooge is because he was very different.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ He met with Scrooge to teach him a lesson, but he did not talk. The third spirit brought Scrooge into the future, and in the future, Scrooge encountered many devastating incidents.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. Line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ In the end, Scrooge had promised the third spirit that he would keep Christmas in his heart and be merry about the occasion. In the beginning of the story, Scrooge was a very greedy man. He valued his wealth more than anything. He was a cold-hearted and angry man. He hated Christmas because it was a time where everyone was happy but, when he encountered the scary presence of the Ghost of Future, Scrooge was definitely motivated to change.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A stingy, selfish man who doesn't have a Christmas spirit is about to go on an adventure to his past, present, and future. He owns a counting house with his friend who died seven years ago. In A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, Marley's ghost visits Scrooge to tell him that he is making his own chain to wear after his death and that the three spirits will visit him. After seeing his past, present, and future, will Scrooge change his attitude?

The Ghost of Christmas Past looks old and young at the same time. It has white hair but not a wrinkle on its face. This spirit changes appearance and wears and extinguisher cap. There is light shining out of it's head. The extinguisher cap represents Scrooge's memories. Scrooge had a horrible childhood and he wants to forget about it so every time there's no light shining out of this ghost's head but instead there's an extinguisher cap covering the light, it means Scrooge is blocking himself from remembering his past. The amount of light shining out of this spirit's head is the amount of how much Scrooge is able to think back. This ghost showed the scene where Fan comes and takes Scrooge home because his father loathed him for something he did. Another vision Scrooge saw is Belle leaving him because she felt that he adored money more than her.

The Ghost of Christmas Present is described as a jolly giant. It is wearing a green robe bordered with white fur, holding a torch, and is wearing a holly on its head. This spirit carries with it two children. The boy is Ignorant and the girl is Want. They represent people in general and Scrooge. This ghost can only survive for one day because it is the spirit of the present. It has more than eighteen hundred brothers and sisters because this book is written in 1843 and more than eighteen hundred Christmas's has passed. The scene that this ghost showed Scrooge is the dinner at the Cratchit's house. Even though they are a poor family, they are still enjoying Christmas!

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come looks like a reaper. It is wearing a black cloak with only it's hand showing. This spirit doesn't speak it just points. Scrooge fears this ghost more than the others because he doesn't know if he has a successful or a negative future. Looking at the appearance of this spirit, Scrooge might get an idea of what his future is going to be like.

I think the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come had the most influence on Scrooge because he saw a dead body under a bed sheet and he was too ignorant to look under. He saw his grave in the back of a church yard and no man, woman, or child to say kind words. Mrs. Dilber is selling his clothes to Joe. No one cares for Scrooge that's why when he came back to the present, he was not the man he was, he's changed. Scrooge is nicer to his nephew and his friends and family. He's expressing his Christmas spirit by being jolly! Don't be brutal to people when something happens to you; they'll care.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Primarily, the essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. (“ A stingy, selfish man who doesn't have a Christmas spirit is about to go on an adventure to his past, present, and future. ”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come looks like a reaper. It is wearing a black cloak with only it's hand showing. This spirit doesn't speak it just points .”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“ Scrooge fears this ghost more than the others because he doesn't know if he has a successful or a negative future. Looking at the appearance of this spirit, Scrooge might get an idea of what his future is going to be like. ”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ The Ghost of Christmas Present is described as a jolly giant. It is wearing a green robe bordered with white fur, holding a torch, and is wearing a holly on its head. This spirit carries with it two children. The boy is Ignorant and the girl is Want.”) The essay includes adequate details about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ The scene that this ghost showed Scrooge is the dinner at the Cratchit's house. Even though they are a poor family, they are still enjoying Christmas!”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Scrooge fears this ghost more than the others because he doesn't know if he has a successful or a negative future. Looking at the appearance of this spirit, Scrooge might get an idea of what his future is going to be like.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n adequate introduction. (“ A stingy, selfish man who doesn't have a Christmas spirit is about to go on an adventure to his past, present, and future.”) The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ After seeing his past, present, and future, will Scrooge change his attitude?”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Scrooge is nicer to his nephew and his friends and family. He's expressing his Christmas spirit by being jolly! Don't be brutal to people when something happens to you; they'll care.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language with an awareness of audience and control of voice. In addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The Ghost of Christmas Past looks old and young at the same time. It has white hair but not a wrinkle on its face.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ I think the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come had the most influence on Scrooge because he saw a dead body under a bed sheet and he was too ignorant to look under.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come looks like a reaper. It is wearing a black cloak with only it's hand showing. This spirit doesn't speak it just points.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ The amount of light shining out of this spirit's head is the amount of how much Scrooge is able to think back. This ghost showed the scene where Fan comes and takes Scrooge home because his father loathed him for something he did. Another vision Scrooge saw is Belle leaving him because she felt that he adored money more than her.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This story is call "A Christmas Carol". The character is Ebenezer Scrooge. Ebenezer Scrooge, he was a guy only care his money, don't care to his parents, and he didn't think about to share his things to others. So, no one likes him, and I don't like him too. He had no friends, so he is lonely. But, after three spirits find him, he changes his whole life. He donates money to the homeless, and that time is Christmas. So, he buys the presents to the children, and visits them. He is the guy that has three spirits to find him, and it made him very scare.

Why the spirits find him, it is because he never shares things to others. All the spirits tells him to share things to each other. At first, the first spirit tells him to share to each other, he listen a little bit. Then, the first spirit goes away, and he tells him there has another spirit to find him. The first spirit brings him to a little boy's house, and let him see the little boy is playing with his doll. At that time, he feels sad, because he didn't give the children presents. Then, the firsts spirit go away, and tell him stay at there, and wait another spirit come here.

After a moment, the second spirit comes here. And tell him why he doesn't have friends. After the second spirits tells him he has no friends, Scoorge fell very sad, because he know why he don't have friends. And the second spirits bring him to other place, and let him see the people that don't have friends. Then, Scoorge ask the people can he be their friends. The second spirits tells him to stay and wait for the last spirit come here. After one hours, the third spirits come. And it almost Christmas, the third tell him to buy presents now, to give the children. So, he quickly buy to the children. After he finish the present , the third spirits go away, and he tell Scoorge to give the present in Christmas.

Then he go to the boy's home, and give the presents to them. He follow the spirits teach him to give the presents to them, so the spirits are very happy. And all the people in the town, no one hate him anymore, because he will share things to others and donate money to the homeless. At the end of the story, I feel happy to Scoorge, because have many friends and he change his life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“This story is call ‘A Christmas Carol’. The character is Ebenezer Scrooge. Ebenezer Scrooge, he was a guy only care his money, don't care to his parents, and he didn't think about to share his things to others. So, no one likes him, and I don't like him too.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“And it almost Christmas, the third tell him to buy presents now, to give the children. So, he quickly buy to the children. After he finish the present , the third spirits go away, and he tell Scoorge to give the present in Christmas.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The second spirits tells him to stay and wait for the last spirit come here. After one hours, the third spirits come.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Why the spirits find him, it is because he never shares things to others. All the spirits tells him to share things to each other.”) The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“ And the second spirits bring him to other place, and let him see the people that don't have friends. Then, Scoorge ask the people can he be their friends. The second spirits tells him to stay and wait for the last spirit come here. After one hours, the third spirits come.”) The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“ After a moment, the second spirit comes here. And tell him why he doesn't have friends.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. T he introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ But, after three spirits find him, he changes his whole life. He donates money to the homeless, and that time is Christmas. So, he buys the presents to the children, and visits them.”) There is limited evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ After a moment, the second spirit comes here. And tell him why he doesn't have friends. After the second spirits tells him he has no friends, Scoorge fell very sad, because he know why he don't have friends.”) The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ And all the people in the town, no one hate him anymore, because he will share things to others and donate money to the homeless. At the end of the story, I feel happy to Scoorge, because have many friends and he change his life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, stronger transitions are needed. (“ Why the spirits find him, it is because he never shares things to others. All the spirits tells him to share things to each other. At first, the first spirit tells him to share to each other, he listen a little bit.”) Exact words are missing. (“ This story is call ‘A Christmas Carol’. The character is Ebenezer Scrooge. Ebenezer Scrooge, he was a guy only care his money, don't care to his parents, and he didn't think about to share his things to others. So, no one likes him, and I don't like him too.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Then he go to the boy's home, and give the presents to them. He follow the spirits teach him to give the presents to them, so the spirits are very happy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Then, the first spirit goes away, and he tells him there has another spirit to find him. The first spirit brings him to a little boy's house, and let him see the little boy is playing with his doll. At that time, he feels sad, because he didn't give the children presents. Then, the firsts spirit go away, and tell him stay at there, and wait another spirit come here.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The most influential spirit in Christmas Carol, is the spirit of Christmas past. The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again.

In the story, the past spirit says, "I am always with you." He said that because your past is always with you. No matter how hard you try to get rid of the mistakes you made in the past, it will never go away. The spirit of Christmas past shows Scrooge all of the mistakes that he made throughout his life, including all the way back when he was a child. He showed him how horrible he has treated people, and he didn't even notice the effects that it had on them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“ The most influential spirit in Christmas Carol, is the spirit of Christmas past. The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again.”) The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ In the story, the past spirit says, ‘I am always with you.’ He said that because your past is always with you.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. (“ He showed him how horrible he has treated people, and he didn't even notice the effects that it had on them.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“In the story, the past spirit says, ‘I am always with you.’ He said that because your past is always with you.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The spirit of Christmas past shows Scrooge all of the mistakes that he made throughout his life, including all the way back when he was a child. He showed him how horrible he has treated people, and he didn't even notice the effects that it had on them.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“ The most influential spirit in Christmas Carol, is the spirit of Christmas past. The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again. ”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ The most influential spirit in Christmas Carol, is the spirit of Christmas past. The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again.”) There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ In the story, the past spirit says, ‘I am always with you.’ He said that because your past is always with you. No matter how hard you try to get rid of the mistakes you made in the past, it will never go away.”) The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ He showed him how horrible he has treated people, and he didn't even notice the effects that it had on them.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again.”) Exact words are missing. (“ No matter how hard you try to get rid of the mistakes you made in the past, it will never go away. The spirit of Christmas past shows Scrooge all of the mistakes that he made throughout his life, including all the way back when he was a child. ”) The style is not formal. (“ The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The most influential spirit in Christmas Carol, is the spirit of Christmas past. The reason that I picked the past spirit is because it shows Ebenezer the bad things he has said or done in the past, if he is showed what he had done wrong in the past then he will be able to fix those mistakes in the future so they don't happen again.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection, includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and a central/controlling idea is not stated. (“The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentence fragments are evident . (“The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The most influenced spirit is the ghost of christmas future. in the Christamas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge a old grumpy guy that had no feelings and did not care about christmas what so ever. Than the christmas future came and showed him what the future will look like is he keeps acting like he has been orthis would will happen.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Significance of the Title in The Call of the Wild

The Call of the Wild by Jack London is an adventurous narrative told from a dog's point of view. After reading The Call of the Wild , write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the significance of the title of the story. Why do you think the author decided to use the title, The Call of the Wild ? Use specific examples and details from the text in your explanation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Desirable Call

The call is unstoppable. Buck has no way of avoiding it. He has to make a decision, or be forever haunted by the longing. Most of the time one's instinct is the only way towards success. The book, The Call of the Wild by Jack London is about a dog named Buck who was urged by his inner desire to be a wild dog instead of a pet. Because of this urge, he changes his behavior as a dog. The "call of the wild" persuades Buck to go back to his roots; this causes him to become a wild animal, and he learns that change can happen rapidly.

The call of the wild encourages Buck to leave humans and become a wild dog. This call was his internal instinct to return to his roots. "From the forest came the call (or one note of it, for the call was many-noted), distinct and definite as never- a long-drawn howl, like, yet unlike, any noise made by a husky dog" (Page #91). The sound of the call interests Buck to the point that he knew this call was not coincidence. He felt as if there was a meaning for this mysterious howl. As he hears the call multiple times, his conscience guides him to a reasonable answer to why he was hearing it. "But after two days, the call in the forest began to sound more imperiously than ever. Buck's restlessness came back on him and he was haunted by recollections of the wild brother, and of the smiling land beyond the divide and the run side by side through the wide forest stretches" (Page #93). The howl leads him to the wild. He feels he needs to live a wild and ferocious life instead of an easygoing and mellow life he was living. He was John Thornton's pet and was feeling true love for the first time, but the call wants him to go back to his ancestors in nature. The call impacts him quickly as he changes.

Buck considers giving in to the temptation from the call and eventually becomes a wild dog. His prideful thoughts cause him to want to become a wild animal. He feels that he fits better in nature. "The blood-longing became stronger than ever before. He was a killer, a thing that preyed, living on the things that lived, unaided, alone, by virtue of his own strength and prowess, surviving triumphantly in a hostile environment where only the strong survive" (Page #94). He agrees with his instinct that he was made to live in the wild. He does not wish to remain a domesticated dog forever. It might have been good at the moment, but Buck was sure it would not last and he was right. After John Thornton, the best owner Buck ever had, died, Buck decided to become part of a wolf pack. "But more remarkable than this, the Yeehats tell of a Ghost Dog that runs at the head of the pack. They are afraid of this Ghost Dog, for it has cunning greater than they, stealing from their camps in the fierce winters, robbing their traps, slaying their dogs, and defying their bravest hunters" (Page #104). He answers the call and becomes the wildest and scariest dog any person has ever seen. He starts acting like a completely different dog after the human connection is gone. Change happens shortly after Buck's internal desires take over his thoughts.

The Call of the Wild gives the general theme that change happens quickly and unexpectedly. In the beginning of the story, Buck is a domesticated dog who lives an easy life with not many expectations. At once, he becomes sold to a sled dog owner. He promptly adapts to a new environment, surrounded by competitive dogs who strived for dominance. He alters emotionally and physically in his strength. "And not only did he learn by experience, but instincts long dead became alive again. The domesticated generations fell from him. In vague ways he remembered back to the youth of the breed, to the time the wild dogs ranged in packs through the primeval forest, and killed their meat as they ran it down" (Page #23). Buck's interests begin to surround his wild ancestors. Later, a man named John Thornton takes care of Buck and treats him with real love. The call pressures Buck at this time to become a wild animal. The only concern that was standing in Buck's way was John. Unfortunately, Indians kill John Thornton. "It was the call, the many-noted call, sounding more luring and compelling as ever before. And as never before, he was ready to obey. John Thornton was dead. The last tie was broken. Man and the claims of man no longer bound him" (Page #102). Buck modifies back into a wild animal after the call. He acts like a completely different dog after everything he experiences. Over time, Buck transforms from a tame animal, to an adventurous sled dog, to a pet, to a member of a wolf pack.

Clearly, the story The Call of the Wild by Jack London teaches an influential life lesson about change. The "call of the wild" is Buck's intention to return to nature. This leads him to leave all human connections to become a wild "Ghost Dog" that terrifies everyone. Buck adapts rapidly and surprisingly to his new environment. Almost everyone has a point in his life when he is transformed through influences around him. No matter what, he should listen to his conscience. Like Buck, the little Jiminy Cricket in one’s head will lead to the deepest fulfillment.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a central/controlling idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more pivotal moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Buck considers giving in to the temptation from the call and eventually becomes a wild dog. His prideful thoughts cause him to want to become a wild animal. He feels that he fits better in nature. ‘The blood-longing became stronger than ever before. He was a killer, a thing that preyed, living on the things that lived, unaided, alone, by virtue of his own strength and prowess, surviving triumphantly in a hostile environment where only the strong survive’ (Page #94). He agrees with his instinct that he was made to live in the wild. He does not wish to remain a domesticated dog forever.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The call is unstoppable. Buck has no way of avoiding it. He has to make a decision, or be forever haunted by the longing. Most of the time one's instinct is the only way towards success. The book, The Call of the Wild by Jack London is about a dog named Buck who was urged by his inner desire to be a wild dog instead of a pet. Because of this urge, he changes his behavior as a dog. The ‘call of the wild’ persuades Buck to go back to his roots; this causes him to become a wild animal, and he learns that change can happen rapidly.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The Call of the Wild gives the general theme that change happens quickly and unexpectedly. In the beginning of the story, Buck is a domesticated dog who lives an easy life with not many expectations. At once, he becomes sold to a sled dog owner. He promptly adapts to a new environment, surrounded by competitive dogs who strived for dominance. He alters emotionally and physically in his strength. ‘And not only did he learn by experience, but instincts long dead became alive again. The domesticated generations fell from him. In vague ways he remembered back to the youth of the breed, to the time the wild dogs ranged in packs through the primeval forest, and killed their meat as they ran it down’ (Page #23). Buck's interests begin to surround his wild ancestors. Later, a man named John Thornton takes care of Buck and treats him with real love. The call pressures Buck at this time to become a wild animal. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and appropriate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that support the possible reasons why Jack London named his story The Call of the Wild . (“The only concern that was standing in Buck's way was John. Unfortunately, Indians kill John Thornton. ‘It was the call, the many-noted call, sounding more luring and compelling as ever before. And as never before, he was ready to obey. John Thornton was dead. The last tie was broken. Man and the claims of man no longer bound him’ (Page #102). Buck modifies back into a wild animal after the call. He acts like a completely different dog after everything he experiences. Over time, Buck transforms from a tame animal, to an adventurous sled dog, to a pet, to a member of a wolf pack.”)

The writer uses direct quotations from the text to support his/her main ideas in each body paragraph. (“The sound of the call interests Buck to the point that he knew this call was not coincidence. He felt as if there was a meaning for this mysterious howl. As he hears the call multiple times, his conscience guides him to a reasonable answer to why he was hearing it. ‘But after two days, the call in the forest began to sound more imperiously than ever. Buck's restlessness came back on him and he was haunted by recollections of the wild brother, and of the smiling land beyond the divide and the run side by side through the wide forest stretches’ (Page #93). The howl leads him to the wild. He feels he needs to live a wild and ferocious life instead of an easygoing and mellow life he was living. He was John Thornton's pet and was feeling true love for the first time, but the call wants him to go back to his ancestors in nature. The call impacts him quickly as he changes.”)

The writer includes background information so the readers can fully appreciate the ideas presented in the essay. (“The book, The Call of the Wild by Jack London is about a dog named Buck who was urged by his inner desire to be a wild dog instead of a pet. Because of this urge, he changes his behavior as a dog. The ‘call of the wild’ persuades Buck to go back to his roots; this causes him to become a wild animal, and he learns that change can happen rapidly. The call of the wild encourages Buck to leave humans and become a wild dog. This call was his internal instinct to return to his roots. ‘From the forest came the call (or one note of it, for the call was many-noted), distinct and definite as never- a long-drawn howl, like, yet unlike, any noise made by a husky dog’ (Page #91). The sound of the call interests Buck to the point that he knew this call was not coincidence. He felt as if there was a meaning for this mysterious howl. As he hears the call multiple times, his conscience guides him to a reasonable answer to why he was hearing it.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as an effective use of subtle transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer captures the readers’ attention in the beginning by describing the “call” that tempts the main character, Buck, to make a change in his life. (“The call is unstoppable. Buck has no way of avoiding it. He has to make a decision, or be forever haunted by the longing. Most of the time one's instinct is the only way towards success. The book, The Call of the Wild by Jack London is about a dog named Buck who was urged by his inner desire to be a wild dog instead of a pet. Because of this urge, he changes his behavior as a dog. The ‘call of the wild’ persuades Buck to go back to his roots; this causes him to become a wild animal, and he learns that change can happen rapidly. ”)

Subtle transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“The Call of the Wild gives the general theme that change happens quickly and unexpectedly. In the beginning of the story, Buck is a domesticated dog who lives an easy life with not many expectations. At once, he becomes sold to a sled dog owner. He promptly adapts to a new environment, surrounded by competitive dogs who strived for dominance. He alters emotionally and physically in his strength. ‘And not only did he learn by experience, but instincts long dead became alive again. The domesticated generations fell from him. In vague ways he remembered back to the youth of the breed, to the time the wild dogs ranged in packs through the primeval forest, and killed their meat as they ran it down’ (Page #23). Buck's interests begin to surround his wild ancestors. Later, a man named John Thornton takes care of Buck and treats him with real love. The call pressures Buck at this time to become a wild animal. The only concern that was standing in Buck's way was John. Unfortunately, Indians kill John Thornton. ”)

The essay contains a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Clearly, the story The Call of the Wild by Jack London teaches an influential life lesson about change. The ‘call of the wild’ is Buck's intention to return to nature. This leads him to leave all human connections to become a wild ‘Ghost Dog’ that terrifies everyone. Buck adapts rapidly and surprisingly to his new environment. Almost everyone has a point in his life when he is transformed through influences around him. No matter what, he should listen to his conscience. Like Buck, the little Jiminy Cricket in one’s head will lead to the deepest fulfillment. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story that led Jack London to name his story The Call of the Wild . (“The call of the wild encourages Buck to leave humans and become a wild dog. This call was his internal instinct to return to his roots. ‘From the forest came the call (or one note of it, for the call was many-noted), distinct and definite as never- a long-drawn howl, like, yet unlike, any noise made by a husky dog’ (Page #91). The sound of the call interests Buck to the point that he knew this call was not coincidence. He felt as if there was a meaning for this mysterious howl. As he hears the call multiple times, his conscience guides him to a reasonable answer to why he was hearing it. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Buck’s yearning to return to the wild so that by the end of the story, the readers understand why Jack London named his story The Call of the Wild . (“Buck's interests begin to surround his wild ancestors. Later, a man named John Thornton takes care of Buck and treats him with real love. The call pressures Buck at this time to become a wild animal. The only concern that was standing in Buck's way was John. Unfortunately, Indians kill John Thornton. ‘It was the call, the many-noted call, sounding more luring and compelling as ever before. And as never before, he was ready to obey. John Thornton was dead. The last tie was broken. Man and the claims of man no longer bound him’ (Page #102). Buck modifies back into a wild animal after the call. He acts like a completely different dog after everything he experiences. Over time, Buck transforms from a tame animal, to an adventurous sled dog, to a pet, to a member of a wolf pack. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Buck considers giving in to the temptation from the call and eventually becomes a wild dog. His prideful thoughts cause him to want to become a wild animal. He feels that he fits better in nature. ‘The blood-longing became stronger than ever before. He was a killer, a thing that preyed, living on the things that lived, unaided, alone, by virtue of his own strength and prowess, surviving triumphantly in a hostile environment where only the strong survive’ (Page #94). He agrees with his instinct that he was made to live in the wild. He does not wish to remain a domesticated dog forever.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“He answers the call and becomes the wildest and scariest dog any person has ever seen. He starts acting like a completely different dog after the human connection is gone. Change happens shortly after Buck's internal desires take over his thoughts. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine being kidnapped in the night and taken to a very different place then your usual sunny home. Instead you now live in an icy wasteland, and you've tossed away the sun and your crown as top dog and replaced it with blizzards and a sled harness. That's exactly what happens in Jack London's novel, "The Call of the Wild." This story centers on Buck, a Saint Bernard mix, who has to trade his old home in the Santa Clara Valley with a winter wasteland in the Yukon, in spirit of the Klondike Gold Rush. He serves most his time as a sled dog for a mail carrier before being traded around a few times and ending as a Primordial Beast. As the story unfolds, "The Call of the Wild" earns its name because Buck started to become a savage beast, he left camp for days at a time, and he eventually joined the Wolves.

As the story continued, Buck began to become more and more like a savage beast. At first, Buck was a very kind and soft hearted dog. But after learning the law of club and fang, his kindness started to dwindle. Pretty soon all he wanted was to get Spitz out of the way. When the two dogs got into a fight one night, Buck ended on top and Spitz was attacked as, "Buck stood and looked on, the successful champion, the dominant primordial beast who had made his kill and found it good" (40). After that, Buck became obsessed with the idea of always being the top dog. This kind of obliterated any real caring part of him that he possessed for the other dogs. Buck just started kind of thinking more about what was better for him, not the others.

Another reason is that Buck started to leave his camp for long periods of time. When Buck started a new chapter of life with John Thornton, he got a large amount of curiosity about the forest. He would leave for the day at first; just going to watch the animals, but soon the time difference grew. Soon he started to leave for days at a time, killing prey as he went. Once, the time grew as Buck hunted a large Bull Moose. Days stretched until, "At last, at the end of the fourth day, he pulled the great moose down" (98). But Bucks large absence had a large consequence. As Buck headed back towards camp, he felt a difference in the woods. He eventually found out what that difference was as he came upon his camp to find that the Indians had killed John and his friends. This event made Buck's domesticated side snap.

Finally, the book started to earn its name because Buck joined the wolves in the end. After John Thornton died, Buck noticed something. He could finally answer the calls of his wild brothers. He had nothing to hold him back. His last ties with humanity had been cut, and he already knew how to survive. So he ran. He ran to find his wild brothers in the woods and live among them. The call was stronger than ever, and he knew he belonged there. When he found them, one of the wolves recognized him and he was let into the pack. Some say that, "... he may be seen at the head of the pack through the pale moonlight or glimmering borealis, leaping gigantic above his fellows, his great throat a-bellow as he sings a song of a younger world, which is the song of the pack" (105). Buck became a timber wolf in every way. He started a new breed of wolf and made the Indians shake as they thought of him. He answered every call the wild gave him.

"The Call of the Wild" earned its name as Buck became a primordial beast, began to live most of his life away from camp, and eventually answered the wolf cries with one of his own. This book shows that not all animals can stay domesticated. Sometimes they must leave humanity in search of a wild brother. And Jack London shows it through this novel. Sometimes a call is just too important to go unanswered.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a central/controlling idea.

The writer establishes a central/controlling thesis in the very beginning of the essay to lead the readers through to a logical conclusion. (“This story centers on Buck, a Saint Bernard mix, who has to trade his old home in the Santa Clara Valley with a winter wasteland in the Yukon, in spirit of the Klondike Gold Rush. He serves most his time as a sled dog for a mail carrier before being traded around a few times and ending as a Primordial Beast. As the story unfolds, ‘The Call of the Wild’ earns its name because Buck started to become a savage beast, he left camp for days at a time, and he eventually joined the Wolves. ”)

The essay contains details that support the writer’s ideas for possible reasons why the story was named The Call of the Wild . (“Finally, the book started to earn its name because Buck joined the wolves in the end. After John Thornton died, Buck noticed something. He could finally answer the calls of his wild brothers. He had nothing to hold him back. His last ties with humanity had been cut, and he already knew how to survive. So he ran. He ran to find his wild brothers in the woods and live among them. The call was stronger than ever, and he knew he belonged there. When he found them, one of the wolves recognized him and he was let into the pack. ”)

The writer clearly exhibits his/her understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. (“‘The Call of the Wild’ earned its name as Buck became a primordial beast, began to live most of his life away from camp, and eventually answered the wolf cries with one of his own. This book shows that not all animals can stay domesticated. Sometimes they must leave humanity in search of a wild brother. And Jack London shows it through this novel. Sometimes a call is just too important to go unanswered. ”)

Content & Development

The writer provides good content and development that connect his/her ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and appropriate evidence from the text to support the stated thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“When the two dogs got into a fight one night, Buck ended on top and Spitz was attacked as, ‘Buck stood and looked on, the successful champion, the dominant primordial beast who had made his kill and found it good’ (40). After that, Buck became obsessed with the idea of always being the top dog. This kind of obliterated any real caring part of him that he possessed for the other dogs. Buck just started kind of thinking more about what was better for him, not the others.”)

The essay contains specific details and dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“The call was stronger than ever, and he knew he belonged there. When he found them, one of the wolves recognized him and he was let into the pack. Some say that, ‘... he may be seen at the head of the pack through the pale moonlight or glimmering borealis, leaping gigantic above his fellows, his great throat a-bellow as he sings a song of a younger world, which is the song of the pack’ (105). Buck became a timber wolf in every way. He started a new breed of wolf and made the Indians shake as they thought of him. He answered every call the wild gave him. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Another reason is that Buck started to leave his camp for long periods of time. When Buck started a new chapter of life with John Thornton, he got a large amount of curiosity about the forest. He would leave for the day at first; just going to watch the animals, but soon the time difference grew. Soon he started to leave for days at a time, killing prey as he went. Once, the time grew as Buck hunted a large Bull Moose. Days stretched until, ‘At last, at the end of the fourth day, he pulled the great moose down’ (98). But Bucks large absence had a large consequence. As Buck headed back towards camp, he felt a difference in the woods. He eventually found out what that difference was as he came upon his camp to find that the Indians had killed John and his friends. This event made Buck's domesticated side snap.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization of ideas in the essay. He/she presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

In the introductory paragraph, the writer engages the readers by asking them to imagine a scenario that mirrors the pivotal experience of the main character, Buck. (“Imagine being kidnapped in the night and taken to a very different place then your usual sunny home. Instead you now live in an icy wasteland, and you've tossed away the sun and your crown as top dog and replaced it with blizzards and a sled harness. That's exactly what happens in Jack London's novel, ‘The Call of the Wild.’ ”)

Transitional devices within paragraphs or between sentences are used well. Using transitions contributes to an effective flow and sequence of ideas in the essay. (“Finally, the book started to earn its name because Buck joined the wolves in the end. After John Thornton died, Buck noticed something. He could finally answer the calls of his wild brothers. He had nothing to hold him back. His last ties with humanity had been cut, and he already knew how to survive. So he ran. He ran to find his wild brothers in the woods and live among them. The call was stronger than ever, and he knew he belonged there. When he found them, one of the wolves recognized him and he was let into the pack. ”)

The writer includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“‘The Call of the Wild’ earned its name as Buck became a primordial beast, began to live most of his life away from camp, and eventually answered the wolf cries with one of his own. This book shows that not all animals can stay domesticated. Sometimes they must leave humanity in search of a wild brother. And Jack London shows it through this novel. Sometimes a call is just too important to go unanswered. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“As the story continued, Buck began to become more and more like a savage beast. At first, Buck was a very kind and soft hearted dog. But after learning the law of club and fang, his kindness started to dwindle. Pretty soon all he wanted was to get Spitz out of the way. When the two dogs got into a fight one night, Buck ended on top and Spitz was attacked as, ‘Buck stood and looked on, the successful champion, the dominant primordial beast who had made his kill and found it good’ (40). After that, Buck became obsessed with the idea of always being the top dog. This kind of obliterated any real caring part of him that he possessed for the other dogs. Buck just started kind of thinking more about what was better for him, not the others. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“Finally, the book started to earn its name because Buck joined the wolves in the end. After John Thornton died, Buck noticed something. He could finally answer the calls of his wild brothers. He had nothing to hold him back. His last ties with humanity had been cut, and he already knew how to survive. So he ran. He ran to find his wild brothers in the woods and live among them. The call was stronger than ever, and he knew he belonged there.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement. (“Another reason is that Buck started to leave his camp for long periods of time. When Buck started a new chapter of life with John Thornton, he got a large amount of curiosity about the forest. He would leave for the day at first; just going to watch the animals, but soon the time difference grew. Soon he started to leave for days at a time, killing prey as he went. Once, the time grew as Buck hunted a large Bull Moose. Days stretched until, ‘At last, at the end of the fourth day, he pulled the great moose down’ (98). But Bucks large absence had a large consequence. As Buck headed back towards camp, he felt a difference in the woods. He eventually found out what that difference was as he came upon his camp to find that the Indians had killed John and his friends. This event made Buck's domesticated side snap. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences have line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“Another reason is that Buck started to leave his camp for long periods of time. When Buck started a new chapter of life with John Thornton, he got a large amount of curiosity about the forest. He would leave for the day at first; just going to watch the animals, but soon the time difference grew. Soon he started to leave for days at a time, killing prey as he went. Once, the time grew as Buck hunted a large Bull Moose. Days stretched until, ‘At last, at the end of the fourth day, he pulled the great moose down’ (98). But Bucks large absence had a large consequence.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Call of the Wild

The call is strong. The call is enticing. The call is the reason sled dog Buck was slowly lured towards the wilderness, meeting his destiny head on. The novel "Call of the Wild" is called "Call of the Wild" because Buck is slowly enticed towards the wilderness because of a man named John Thorton, a horrifying large moose, and a pack of wolves. When he is lured, he learns how to survive just like his primordial ancestors.

Primarily, John Thorton is one of the reasons Buck is "called" by the wild. John Thorton was one of Buck's favorite caretakers. He was tested for his strength, and endurance, yet the call of the wild was stronger than ever. Buck would go out on his own into the wilderness, experiencing what pure wild dogs would experience. He was willed to pull a 1000 pound sled, and to pull it 50 yards. Even though he did this for John, he still had the urge to adventure into the forest, pursuing the call that attracted him to the forest. "Sometimes he pursued the call into the forest, looking for it as though it were a tangible thing, barking softly of defiantly, as the mood might dictate."(90) This shows that, as if it were a real thing, Buck is willing to travel long and far to find it, wherever it would be.

In addition, a huge moose that Buck brought down brought Buck to a higher level of "Wild". It took days, taunting, parrying and striking upon the moose to finally end its life. This brought Buck into the wild, deeper and deeper, until he became part of the Wild."Often, in desperation, he burst into long stretches of flight. At such times Buck did not did not attempt to stay him, but loped easily at his heels, satisfied with the way the game was playing, lying down when the moose stood still, attacking him fiercely when he strove to eat or drink"(98). This shows that Buck has a large amount of pertinacity to such a large hunk of prey, that he is so determined to become a strong, highly built dog of furious power.

In the end, the call becomes most fierce when one of the wild is seen. Buck "meets" a "wolf brother" in the wilderness, gains its trust and joins it pack. Buck becomes one with the wolves."When the long winter nights come on and the wolves follow their meat into the lower valleys, he may be seen running at the head of the pack through the pale moonlight or glimmering borealis, leaping gigantic among his fellows, his great throat a-below as he sings a song of the younger world, which is the song of the pack"(105/last page). This shows that Buck has answered the call willingly, and has become one with the wolves.

Ultimately, Buck adventured with John Thorton, took down a large male bull, and became "wild" when he joined a pack of wolves. Buck learns to be one with the wild, to be the wild, to feel the wild. Buck becomes pure wild, and begins to adventure with his primordial brothers. That is why Jack London decided to call his wondrous book "Call of the Wild".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects three reasons why Jack London may have named his story The Call of the Wild and provides adequate details to support his/her ideas. (“The call is strong. The call is enticing. The call is the reason sled dog Buck was slowly lured towards the wilderness, meeting his destiny head on. The novel ‘Call of the Wild’ is called ‘Call of the Wild’ because Buck is slowly enticed towards the wilderness because of a man named John Thorton, a horrifying large moose, and a pack of wolves. When he is lured, he learns how to survive just like his primordial ancestors.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. He/she devotes all of the body paragraphs to support the possible reasons that Jack London named his book The Call of the Wild . (“In the end, the call becomes most fierce when one of the wild is seen. Buck ‘meets’ a ‘wolf brother’ in the wilderness, gains its trust and joins it pack. Buck becomes one with the wolves.‘When the long winter nights come on and the wolves follow their meat into the lower valleys, he may be seen running at the head of the pack through the pale moonlight or glimmering borealis, leaping gigantic among his fellows, his great throat a-below as he sings a song of the younger world, which is the song of the pack’(105/last page). This shows that Buck has answered the call willingly, and has become one with the wolves.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. The writer does not implement informal language; this adds to an awareness of audience that the readers can appreciate as they read through the essay. (“Ultimately, Buck adventured with John Thorton, took down a large male bull, and became ‘wild’ when he joined a pack of wolves. Buck learns to be one with the wild, to be the wild, to feel the wild. Buck becomes pure wild, and begins to adventure with his primordial brothers. That is why Jack London decided to call his wondrous book ‘Call of the Wild’.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using specific evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses details that support the possible reasons why Jack London called his story The Call of the Wild . The writer should, however, consider using fewer quotations and more authentic student writing to explain and illustrate his/her ideas in the essay. (“In the end, the call becomes most fierce when one of the wild is seen. Buck ‘meets’ a ‘wolf brother’ in the wilderness, gains its trust and joins it pack. Buck becomes one with the wolves.‘When the long winter nights come on and the wolves follow their meat into the lower valleys, he may be seen running at the head of the pack through the pale moonlight or glimmering borealis, leaping gigantic among his fellows, his great throat a-below as he sings a song of the younger world, which is the song of the pack’(105/last page). This shows that Buck has answered the call willingly, and has become one with the wolves.”)

The essay contains quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“This brought Buck into the wild, deeper and deeper, until he became part of the Wild.‘Often, in desperation, he burst into long stretches of flight. At such times Buck did not did not attempt to stay him, but loped easily at his heels, satisfied with the way the game was playing, lying down when the moose stood still, attacking him fiercely when he strove to eat or drink’(98).”)

The writer should strike a balance between the amount of quoted text used and his/her own ideas. (“Even though he did this for John, he still had the urge to adventure into the forest, pursuing the call that attracted him to the forest. ‘Sometimes he pursued the call into the forest, looking for it as though it were a tangible thing, barking softly of defiantly, as the mood might dictate.’(90) This shows that, as if it were a real thing, Buck is willing to travel long and far to find it, wherever it would be.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate as well. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer adequately engages the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The call is strong. The call is enticing. The call is the reason sled dog Buck was slowly lured towards the wilderness, meeting his destiny head on. The novel ‘Call of the Wild’ is called ‘Call of the Wild’ because Buck is slowly enticed towards the wilderness because of a man named John Thorton, a horrifying large moose, and a pack of wolves. When he is lured, he learns how to survive just like his primordial ancestors. ”)

The writer employs transitions that promote flow and sequence of ideas . (“Primarily, John Thorton is one of the reasons Buck is ‘called’ by the wild. John Thorton was one of Buck's favorite caretakers. He was tested for his strength, and endurance, yet the call of the wild was stronger than ever. Buck would go out on his own into the wilderness, experiencing what pure wild dogs would experience. He was willed to pull a 1000 pound sled, and to pull it 50 yards. Even though he did this for John, he still had the urge to adventure into the forest, pursuing the call that attracted him to the forest. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Ultimately, Buck adventured with John Thorton, took down a large male bull, and became ‘wild’ when he joined a pack of wolves. Buck learns to be one with the wild, to be the wild, to feel the wild. Buck becomes pure wild, and begins to adventure with his primordial brothers. That is why Jack London decided to call his wondrous book ‘Call of the Wild’. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. He/she generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Primarily, John Thorton is one of the reasons Buck is ‘called’ by the wild. John Thorton was one of Buck's favorite caretakers. He was tested for his strength, and endurance, yet the call of the wild was stronger than ever. Buck would go out on his own into the wilderness, experiencing what pure wild dogs would experience. He was willed to pull a 1000 pound sled, and to pull it 50 yards. Even though he did this for John, he still had the urge to adventure into the forest, pursuing the call that attracted him to the forest. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explores the possible reasons why Jack London called his story The Call of the Wild . (“In addition, a huge moose that Buck brought down brought Buck to a higher level of ‘Wild’. It took days, taunting, parrying and striking upon the moose to finally end its life. This brought Buck into the wild, deeper and deeper, until he became part of the Wild.‘Often, in desperation, he burst into long stretches of flight. At such times Buck did not did not attempt to stay him, but loped easily at his heels, satisfied with the way the game was playing, lying down when the moose stood still, attacking him fiercely when he strove to eat or drink’(98). This shows that Buck has a large amount of pertinacity to such a large hunk of prey, that he is so determined to become a strong, highly built dog of furious power. ”)

Although there is repetition in portions of the essay, word choices are generally adequate for the intended audience. (“Ultimately, Buck adventured with John Thorton, took down a large male bull, and became ‘wild’ when he joined a pack of wolves. Buck learns to be one with the wild, to be the wild, to feel the wild. Buck becomes pure wild, and begins to adventure with his primordial brothers. That is why Jack London decided to call his wondrous book ‘Call of the Wild’. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There may be some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“In the end, the call becomes most fierce when one of the wild is seen. Buck ‘meets’ a ‘wolf brother’ in the wilderness, gains its trust and joins it pack. Buck becomes one with the wolves. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why is it called call of the wild you might ask? Well because a series of actions that happen towards Buck the main character. Buck a dog from the warmth loving family. Was sold by his gardner Manuel to some guy. He was brought to the man with the red sweater who taught Buck that you can not defeat the man with the club. He was soon sold to some guys name Perrault and Francois who taught buck how to pull a sled and how to stay in place so you don't mess up the group. But as this is happening Buck goes threw a change. A change that is so fierce it frighten most people. And along with change he meets people and learns from them as they come in and out of his life. The three main reasons that this novel is called The Call of The Wild is because his fight with Spitz, his love for John Thornton, and Buck's wild brother.

First out of the three is Buck fighting to the death with Spitz. "Eh? What I say? I Speak true when I say that Buck two devils." p. 45 This is what Francois says when he he find out that Spitz was missing and Buck was covered in scars. See Buck won the battle of leadership. Only because when Spitz was being voilet Buck finally got enraged he slashed and bit and clawed and much more to each other. Buck almost lost but when he became more bloodlust he finally tricks Spitz and Buck bites him and feels the warm blood in his mouth. Then the other dogs who were closed in the circle finally poounces upon the loser. Even though Bucks paws were still had not adapted to the ice lands he still won. He was strong and beautiful dog who's fur coat was now covered in Spitz's blood. This was a change from a smart animal to a wild animal who as the instinct to survive.

John Thorton his love for him was so powerful buck would do anything for John. "'As you love me, Buck as you love me, ' was what he whispered" pg 91 this is what John told Buck as he betted that Buck could pull a thousand pound by him self. And because Buck's love was so great he did it for John. The next time in the story when showed Buck's love was so strong he could turn into the devil himself. Buck was coming back from the wild he notice that things were wrong when he came back to the campsite John was dead aslong as his other friends. Buck was enraged and found the Yeehats and most of them even making them kill each other. Some yeehats got away thinking Buck was a demon. He soon became a lenged at that and it was all because of John. Also Buck's love for John was to the death.

Buck's willd brother. While Buck was in the forest he found a wolf and Buck chased him until they became friends with each other and the ran alongside each other approaching this call from futher and futher in the wild. But the frist time Buck turn back for John Thornton. But when John died buck went with his wild brother this time and he finally got to be with this call. The call of the wild witch a bunch of wolfs were calling Buck to join them to become part of the pack part of the wilded. He became a leaged to the yeehats to not go into the valley where the 'demon/devil' lives. The feared Buck because Buck would hunt them for revenge for John. Even so Buck began a life. And the younger genterations of wolfs start to get Bucks traits.

The title of Jack London's The Call of The Wild is special and unique in a way because he in learned from Spizt to trust his insticks, his love for John taught him that not all humans are bad and love can have so much effect on us, and his wild brother taught him how to become one with nature. This is what it means that you cange from loving and kind beast to a devil witch destroys everything in its path in just a blink of an eye.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The three main reasons that this novel is called The Call of The Wild is because his fight with Spitz, his love for John Thornton, and Buck's wild brother.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the reasons why Jack London may have named his story The Call of the Wild , the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details to support ideas renders the essay limited at best. (“Buck was coming back from the wild he notice that things were wrong when he came back to the campsite John was dead aslong as his other friends. Buck was enraged and found the Yeehats and most of them even making them kill each other. Some yeehats got away thinking Buck was a demon.”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to explain the reasons why Jack London may have named his story The Call of the Wild , he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the writer’s rationale. (“Buck almost lost but when he became more bloodlust he finally tricks Spitz and Buck bites him and feels the warm blood in his mouth. Then the other dogs who were closed in the circle finally poounces upon the loser. Even though Bucks paws were still had not adapted to the ice lands he still won. He was strong and beautiful dog who's fur coat was now covered in Spitz's blood. This was a change from a smart animal to a wild animal who as the instinct to survive.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas in the essay are limited. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using limited evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer creates so many gaps in the sequence of events occurring in the story that the readers are challenged to follow the writer’s ideas with ease and understanding. (“Buck's willd brother. While Buck was in the forest he found a wolf and Buck chased him until they became friends with each other and the ran alongside each other approaching this call from futher and futher in the wild. But the frist time Buck turn back for John Thornton. But when John died buck went with his wild brother this time and he finally got to be with this call. The call of the wild witch a bunch of wolfs were calling Buck to join them to become part of the pack part of the wilded.”)

The writer neglects to fully illustrate the main ideas in each body paragraph. The writer should provide the readers with more information from the text to fully support each main idea. There is a rushed tone to many of the writer’s ideas, which leaves the essay’s development limited at best. (“Buck's willd brother. While Buck was in the forest he found a wolf and Buck chased him until they became friends with each other and the ran alongside each other approaching this call from futher and futher in the wild. But the frist time Buck turn back for John Thornton. But when John died buck went with his wild brother this time and he finally got to be with this call. The call of the wild witch a bunch of wolfs were calling Buck to join them to become part of the pack part of the wilded. He became a leaged to the yeehats to not go into the valley where the 'demon/devil' lives. The feared Buck because Buck would hunt them for revenge for John. Even so Buck began a life. And the younger genterations of wolfs start to get Bucks traits.”)

Due to the writer’s underdeveloped ideas, the readers are left with many questions. (“First out of the three is Buck fighting to the death with Spitz. ‘Eh? What I say? I Speak true when I say that Buck two devils.’ p. 45 This is what Francois says when he he find out that Spitz was missing and Buck was covered in scars. See Buck won the battle of leadership. Only because when Spitz was being voilet Buck finally got enraged he slashed and bit and clawed and much more to each other. Buck almost lost but when he became more bloodlust he finally tricks Spitz and Buck bites him and feels the warm blood in his mouth.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer provides evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer provides background information and a thesis statement in the introduction. The writer reveals a specific focus on the changes Buck experiences to support the title of the story. (“Why is it called call of the wild you might ask? Well because a series of actions that happen towards Buck the main character. Buck a dog from the warmth loving family. Was sold by his gardner Manuel to some guy. He was brought to the man with the red sweater who taught Buck that you can not defeat the man with the club. He was soon sold to some guys name Perrault and Francois who taught buck how to pull a sled and how to stay in place so you don't mess up the group. But as this is happening Buck goes threw a change. A change that is so fierce it frighten most people. And along with change he meets people and learns from them as they come in and out of his life. The three main reasons that this novel is called The Call of The Wild is because his fight with Spitz, his love for John Thornton, and Buck's wild brother.”)

The writer neglects to employ effective t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next with flow and logical sequence. (“John Thorton his love for him was so powerful buck would do anything for John. ‘As you love me, Buck as you love me, ' was what he whispered’ pg 91 this is what John told Buck as he betted that Buck could pull a thousand pound by him self. And because Buck's love was so great he did it for John. The next time in the story when showed Buck's love was so strong he could turn into the devil himself. Buck was coming back from the wild he notice that things were wrong when he came back to the campsite John was dead aslong as his other friends. Buck was enraged and found the Yeehats and most of them even making them kill each other. Some yeehats got away thinking Buck was a demon. He soon became a lenged at that and it was all because of John. Also Buck's love for John was to the death.”)

The writer’s conclusion is very weak; it restates reasons why Jack London may have named his story The Call of the Wild , but it does not give the readers a strong sense of closure. (“The title of Jack London's The Call of The Wild is special and unique in a way because he in learned from Spizt to trust his insticks, his love for John taught him that not all humans are bad and love can have so much effect on us, and his wild brother taught him how to become one with nature. This is what it means that you cange from loving and kind beast to a devil witch destroys everything in its path in just a blink of an eye.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the essay. He/she reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“Well because a series of actions that happen towards Buck the main character. Buck a dog from the warmth loving family. Was sold by his gardner Manuel to some guy.”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay; additionally, the writer needs to avoid informal language and use more sophisticated word choices. (“He was soon sold to some guys name Perrault and Francois who taught buck how to pull a sled and how to stay in place so you don't mess up the group. ”)

Syntax issues create difficulty for the readers to fully understand and appreciate the ideas the writer is attempting to convey in the essay. (“Buck's willd brother. While Buck was in the forest he found a wolf and Buck chased him until they became friends with each other and the ran alongside each other approaching this call from futher and futher in the wild. But the frist time Buck turn back for John Thornton. But when John died buck went with his wild brother this time and he finally got to be with this call. The call of the wild witch a bunch of wolfs were calling Buck to join them to become part of the pack part of the wilded. He became a leaged to the yeehats to not go into the valley where the 'demon/devil' lives. The feared Buck because Buck would hunt them for revenge for John. Even so Buck began a life. And the younger genterations of wolfs start to get Bucks traits.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the overall message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Buck's willd brother. While Buck was in the forest he found a wolf and Buck chased him until they became friends with each other and the ran alongside each other approaching this call from futher and futher in the wild. But the frist time Buck turn back for John Thornton.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The title call of the wild is appropriate to use because it states how buck was called out to the wild from the government to help out with delivering packages. Buck was a dog living a good life a well civilized dog hard worker and loved by his owner. He was already living a good life and then gets a call from the wild saying he needs to help out the government. Buck was living in a hot place a good house being feed and everything to a cold habitat barely eating and working real hard. He had been taking away from his wonderful owner ho took good care of him and loved him to a hard working not so much loving owners all they really cared about was trying to get there wok done.

Along his trip he had encountered a lot of problems many that had finished into bad things. The first one was him getting taken away from his wonderful owner. The other one was him not getting as much food also a real cold trip which he was used to the warm weather. He encountered a lot of fights also. One was when curly got killed by a horrible fight while everybody was getting into the fight. Also Buck had encountered couple fights along way with Spitz. It got so bad at the end the last fight was brutal Buck killed Spitz Buck had become a beast now.

Bucks revel, wild side had been opened in the way that he killed everything and loved blood. He killed and wanted blood. He was a devil a beast he had became a stronger dog he wasn't weak anymore. That's what call of the wild basically means to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions why Jack London may have named the story The Call of the Wild . However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the essay is very difficult for the readers to follow and appreciate. (“The title call of the wild is appropriate to use because it states how buck was called out to the wild from the government to help out with delivering packages. Buck was a dog living a good life a well civilized dog hard worker and loved by his owner. He was already living a good life and then gets a call from the wild saying he needs to help out the government. Buck was living in a hot place a good house being feed and everything to a cold habitat barely eating and working real hard. He had been taking away from his wonderful owner ho took good care of him and loved him to a hard working not so much loving owners all they really cared about was trying to get there wok done.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not provide relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the reasons why Jack London may have called the story The Call of the Wild . (“Bucks revel, wild side had been opened in the way that he killed everything and loved blood. He killed and wanted blood. He was a devil a beast he had became a stronger dog he wasn't weak anymore. That's what call of the wild basically means to me.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the challenging events Buck encountered to assist him in eventually answering his call to the wild. (“Along his trip he had encountered a lot of problems many that had finished into bad things. The first one was him getting taken away from his wonderful owner. The other one was him not getting as much food also a real cold trip which he was used to the warm weather. He encountered a lot of fights also. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer addresses some events in the story that challenge Buck, but he/she does not make strong connections between those events and the reasons why Jack London may have named the story The Call of the Wild . (“He encountered a lot of fights also. One was when curly got killed by a horrible fight while everybody was getting into the fight. Also Buck had encountered couple fights along way with Spitz. It got so bad at the end the last fight was brutal Buck killed Spitz Buck had become a beast now.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Buck was living in a hot place a good house being feed and everything to a cold habitat barely eating and working real hard. He had been taking away from his wonderful owner ho took good care of him and loved him to a hard working not so much loving owners all they really cared about was trying to get there wok done.”)

The writer’s details give the readers a sense of some of Buck’s challenges; however, he/she needs to develop these ideas and their connections to the prompt task more fully for the readers to appreciate the ideas presented in the essay. (“The title call of the wild is appropriate to use because it states how buck was called out to the wild from the government to help out with delivering packages. Buck was a dog living a good life a well civilized dog hard worker and loved by his owner. He was already living a good life and then gets a call from the wild saying he needs to help out the government.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization of ideas in the essay. The writer creates a framework for his/her ideas, but the introduction fails to engage the readers from the beginning. There is evidence of paragraphing, but the use of transitional devices is minimal.

The writer demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction; he/she does not engage the readers in any way. (“The title call of the wild is appropriate to use because it states how buck was called out to the wild from the government to help out with delivering packages.”)

Effective transitions are not included within paragraphs or between sentences to promote the flow and sequence of ideas. (“Along his trip he had encountered a lot of problems many that had finished into bad things. The first one was him getting taken away from his wonderful owner. The other one was him not getting as much food also a real cold trip which he was used to the warm weather. He encountered a lot of fights also. One was when curly got killed by a horrible fight while everybody was getting into the fight.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that summarizes the writer’s main ideas, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Bucks revel, wild side had been opened in the way that he killed everything and loved blood. He killed and wanted blood. He was a devil a beast he had became a stronger dog he wasn't weak anymore. That's what call of the wild basically means to me.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates simple language, repetitive word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer's word choices are simple and repetitive. (“The title call of the wild is appropriate to use because it states how buck was called out to the wild from the government to help out with delivering packages. Buck was a dog living a good life a well civilized dog hard worker and loved by his owner. He was already living a good life and then gets a call from the wild saying he needs to help out the government. ”)

Sentence structures are very weak and this affects the readers’ understanding of the writer’s ideas. (“Buck was living in a hot place a good house being feed and everything to a cold habitat barely eating and working real hard. He had been taking away from his wonderful owner ho took good care of him and loved him to a hard working not so much loving owners all they really cared about was trying to get there wok done. ”)

The writer does not display strong voice or style in the essay. (“Bucks revel, wild side had been opened in the way that he killed everything and loved blood. He killed and wanted blood. He was a devil a beast he had became a stronger dog he wasn't weak anymore. That's what call of the wild basically means to me. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates the writer’s minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“He had been taking away from his wonderful owner ho took good care of him and loved him to a hard working not so much loving owners all they really cared about was trying to get there wok done.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is the reason I think that the author decided to use the title "The Call of the Wild". The author might of decided to use the title, "The Call of the wild" to refer how Buck acts through out the story. At the beginning of the story Buck was very nice and sweet. Then he got wild in chapter two. The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty. He also ran away from a dog with rabies and that was not normal for him. This is the reason I think the author might of decided to use the title "The Call of the Wild".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to support his/her assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections between the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a strong central/controlling idea.

The essay does not contain a strong central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty. He also ran away from a dog with rabies and that was not normal for him.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. The writer fails to connect events in the story to reasons why Jack London would name it The Call of the Wild . (“He also ran away from a dog with rabies and that was not normal for him. This is the reason I think the author might of decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“The author might of decided to use the title, ‘The Call of the wild’ to refer how Buck acts through out the story. At the beginning of the story Buck was very nice and sweet. Then he got wild in chapter two. The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The writer neglects to include effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the possible reasons why Jack London named the story The Call of the Wild but does not develop the ideas in any way. (“At the beginning of the story Buck was very nice and sweet. Then he got wild in chapter two. The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“This is the reason I think that the author decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’. The author might of decided to use the title, ‘The Call of the wild’ to refer how Buck acts through out the story. At the beginning of the story Buck was very nice and sweet. Then he got wild in chapter two. The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty. He also ran away from a dog with rabies and that was not normal for him. This is the reason I think the author might of decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer does not demonstrate evidence of a unified structure. Additionally, the writer does not employ paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The writer’s introduction is inadequate and does not engage the readers in any way. (“This is the reason I think that the author decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’. The author might of decided to use the title, ‘The Call of the wild’ to refer how Buck acts through out the story. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Then he got wild in chapter two. The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. ”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion. (“This is the reason I think the author might of decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in the essay are inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is repetition in portions of the essay. (“This is the reason I think that the author decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’. The author might of decided to use the title, ‘The Call of the wild’ to refer how Buck acts through out the story. ”)

Syntax issues hinder the readers' understanding of the writer’s ideas. (“The reason why Buck got wild is because he been through a lot, he was kid naped and threw in a bagcar. He also started fighting and he was very mean. At first he was a taimed dog in chapter one. I chapter two he was a littled taimed but fightsty. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“He also ran away from a dog with rabies and that was not normal for him. This is the reason I think the author might of decided to use the title ‘The Call of the Wild’. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“The Smallest Dragonboy” by Anne McCaffrey

In the story “The Smallest Dragonboy,” the main character, Keevan, overcomes his many conflicts to become the story’s hero.

Write a multi-paragraph essay in which you describe Keevan’s many character traits and how he uses these to become the heroic figure of the story. Be sure to use specific examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Smallest Dragon Boy was a gently inspiring story that taught us that a strong mind and heart will always supersede a strong body. The main character, Keevan, had to figure out who he was and what he was capable of doing to prove himself worthy to be in impression, and ultimately, own a dragon. The story takes place on the creatively fictional planet of Pern. Pern, as they explain, is occasionally in danger of the red star. Every 200 years, the star emits threadlike spores to Pern, and if these spores would touch the ground and grow, that would mean trouble for anyone in sight. The long-awaited "impression" is coming soon in the town of Bendyn Weyr .

Keevan's strongest trait was the fact that he was very strong-headed; he didn't let the constant teasing and obnoxious behavior from other children interfere with his goal. He was, with the exception of his height, just like any other contestant; but that didn't mean his small body would be ignored. He had pale skin, brown hair, and wore the uniform of his peers. Keevan was still very young, making him subject to constant bullying and observation. But, Keevan was rather stubborn when it came to other people's thoughts, which gave their words no power. For example, Beterli was teasing Keevan about his age and height, Keevan put a big smile on his face and told Beterli about the fact that it was his last year to even try to impress a dragon. As you probably predicted, Beterli took this to heart, and raised his arm, while Keevan stood his ground.

Another one of Keevan's traits was that he was very brave. Of all the boys in candidacy, he stood up to Beterli, even in the most physical moments. For example, when Keevan was shoveling black rocks from the cave, Beterli approached him and asked him briskly if he had heard the "news". Keevan thought, and in reply asked if the eggs were hatching. Beterli nodded negative, and asked to guess again. Keevan told him he wouldn't, and began to work again. Beterli put on a small frown, and seized Keevan's shovel, but Keevan return grabbed at the shovel and that started an event that carries on to the next trait.

Keevan was also very independent. He did not enjoy, nor encourage, for people to pamper him, for it made him feel like exactly what he had become accustomed to being called, a babe. For example, right after his step-mother offers him broth, the book states that any other time in her life he would have turned back this offer, but in the state he was in he only laid there, in deep wonder. And when he'd be asked how his leg felt, as immense as the pain might be, he still replied it didn't. He took no offers for support and saw himself as a strong dragon rider well before the impression. He took it within himself to figure out his position in impression, and, took it within himself to get there

Lastly, Keevan is determined. For example, when Keevan and Beterli were fighting with the shovel, Keevan fought, even when realizing he could not win. After Beterli seized the shovel, he jammed the handle and shoved it into Keevan's chest with full force knocking him into rocks behind him, which broke his skull and shinbones. So in all his pain, he got out of bed. As pain seared through, he grabbed his walking stick, and still in pain staggered toward the door. All of this effort was to get to the ceremony. And during the ceremony, Keevan received the honor of being chosen by the prized bronze dragon.

After all of the different events that have occurred, Keevan can be deemed as one thing: special. There is also a lesson to be learned in all of this: "a strong mind and heart will always beat out a strong body."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. In particular, this essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“The Smallest Dragon Boy was a gently inspiring story that taught us that a strong mind and heart will always supersede a strong body. The main character, Keevan, had to figure out who he was and what he was capable of doing to prove himself worthy to be in impression, and ultimately, own a dragon.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout. (“Keevan's strongest trait was the fact that he was very strong-headed; he didn't let the constant teasing and obnoxious behavior from other children interfere with his goal. He was, with the exception of his height, just like any other contestant; but that didn't mean his small body would be ignored.”) The language of the thesis statement fits the examples very effectively. (“ Keevan was also very independent. He did not enjoy, nor encourage, for people to pamper him, for it made him feel like exactly what he had become accustomed to being called, a babe.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the main character; thus it connects the essay question to the text. (“So in all his pain, he got out of bed. As pain seared through, he grabbed his walking stick, and still in pain staggered toward the door. All of this effort was to get to the ceremony. And during the ceremony, Keevan received the honor of being chosen by the prized bronze dragon.”) The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Of all the boys in candidacy, he stood up to Beterli, even in the most physical moments. For example, when Keevan was shoveling black rocks from the cave, Beterli approached him and asked him briskly if he had heard the ‘news.’”) Relevant points explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“He did not enjoy, nor encourage, for people to pamper him, for it made him feel like exactly what he had become accustomed to being called, a babe. For example, right after his step-mother offers him broth, the book states that any other time in her life he would have turned back this offer, but in the state he was in he only laid there, in deep wonder.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. In particular, the essay effectively grabs readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Smallest Dragon Boy was a gently inspiring story that taught us that a strong mind and heart will always supersede a strong body.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Lastly, Keevan is determined. For example, when Keevan and Beterli were fighting with the shovel, Keevan fought, even when realizing he could not win. After Beterli seized the shovel, he jammed the handle and shoved it into Keevan's chest with full force knocking him into rocks behind him, which broke his skull and shinbones.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ After all of the different events that have occurred, Keevan can be deemed as one thing: special. There is also a lesson to be learned in all of this: ‘a strong mind and heart will always beat out a strong body.’”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. For example, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ So in all his pain, he got out of bed. As pain seared through, he grabbed his walking stick, and still in pain staggered toward the door. All of this effort was to get to the ceremony. And during the ceremony, Keevan received the honor of being chosen by the prized bronze dragon. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ Keevan's strongest trait was the fact that he was very strong-headed; he didn't let the constant teasing and obnoxious behavior from other children interfere with his goal. He was, with the exception of his height, just like any other contestant; but that didn't mean his small body would be ignored. He had pale skin, brown hair, and wore the uniform of his peers. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Every 200 years, the star emits threadlike spores to Pern, and if these spores would touch the ground and grow, that would mean trouble for anyone in sight. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, begins with a capital letter, and includes line breaks to separate paragraphs. (“ Lastly, Keevan is determined. For example, when Keevan and Beterli were fighting with the shovel, Keevan fought, even when realizing he could not win. After Beterli seized the shovel, he jammed the handle and shoved it into Keevan's chest with full force knocking him into rocks behind him, which broke his skull and shinbones. So in all his pain, he got out of bed. As pain seared through, he grabbed his walking stick, and still in pain staggered toward the door. All of this effort was to get to the ceremony.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Did you know that the smallest boy and the most injured could become the most successful? Well it is true! That is exactly what happened in, "The Smallest Dragonboy" by Anne McCaffery. It is a short story filled with fantasy. In this story, there is a young child named Keevan. He wants to become a dragon rider but his dreams are almost crushed because of a fight with a bully named Beterli. Keevan is very brave throughout the whole story. He is also independent and determined which helps him get the dragon.

Keevan is very brave during this story. He shows his bravery when Beterli bullies Keevan. Beterli bullies Keevan so much that Keevan gets really hurt. Even though Keevan is very injured he still says, "What was pain to a dragon man?" That quote truly shows his bravery. By that quote you know that he keeps going even though he is in pain. It shows that he is brave to do what ever it takes to go to the hatching. Keevan even stood up to Beterli! Beterli was trying to take Keevan's shovel when he suddenly pushes him over and takes his shovel and Keevan says, "I will get that shovel back!" It clearly shows that Keevan Is brave enough to try to stand up to a bully. Even though he could get seriously get injured he is brave enough to conquer a fear.

Keevan is incredibly independent in this story. It even seems that he does not have any parents or any guardians at all. He was independent in the scene when he goes to the hatching ground by himself with no guardian to be by his side. What I think is amazing is that he goes to the hatching ground and he is injured at the same time! His wounds could get worse because he chose to walk all the way to the hatching ground. The reason why Keevan went to the hatching ground was because he remembered someone saying that he could not, not go to the Impression. Confusing, I know! By saying that, he is try to talk himself into going to the Impression. Well, I guess it worked! So, he feels that he is independent enough to go. Another way Keevan is independent in this story is when he tries to beat Beterli by himself. Like the book says, "Beterli took a step closer, hand half raised. Keevan stood his ground." That shows that Keevan was not scared when Beterli came closer to him. Any other person would be scared out of their wits to have a big bully come near them. Not Keevan! He was independent enough to take on a big bully without anyone's help or guidance.

Keevan was determined! It is a good thing that he was. This is because, if he was not determined, he would have never gone to the hatching ground. In a result to that, he would have never gotten the dragon. Keevan always thought he was too small to become a dragon rider,but by his determination, he became what he wanted to be, a dragon rider. Just like what Keevan thought before, "No one said he couldn't go to the Impression." It is just as if he is so determined, he will do anything or think anything to be able to become what he has always wanted to be. A scene that also describes a determined "moment" for Keevan is when he is lying in bed and is trying to think of just about any excuse to go to the hatching ground, to watch the Impression. Once he decides to go to the Impression, he tries to get off of his bed but he can't. The excruciating pain in his legs and his head was pulling him back into his bed. Keevan was so determined he kept thinking of, "What is pain to a dragon man?" His determination overpowered his physical pain throughout his body, and off he went to the Impression.

Now you can see the three characteristics of Keevan that I thought stood out the most. Keevan is very brave throughout the whole story. He is also independent and determined which helps him get the dragon. At the end of the story Keevan is ecstatic to know that he has finally become, a dragon man!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary topic well. (“ Did you know that the smallest boy and the most injured could become the most successful? Well it is true! That is exactly what happened in, ‘The Smallest Dragonboy’ by Anne McCaffery. . . . Keevan is very brave throughout the whole story. He is also independent and determined which helps him get the dragon.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ Keevan was determined! It is a good thing that he was. This is because, if he was not determined, he would have never gone to the hatching ground. In a result to that, he would have never gotten the dragon.”) The language of the thesis statement fits the examples well. (“ Keevan is very brave during this story. He shows his bravery when Beterli bullies Keevan. Beterli bullies Keevan so much that Keevan gets really hurt.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, and uses a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the theme of the literary topic, including specific information about characters and dialogue. (“Even though Keevan is very injured he still says, ‘What was pain to a dragon man?’ That quote truly shows his bravery. By that quote you know that he keeps going even though he is in pain.”) The essay includes good, specific details that relate to the main characters. (“A scene that also describes a determined ‘moment’ for Keevan is when he is lying in bed and is trying to think of just about any excuse to go to the hatching ground, . . . His determination overpowered his physical pain throughout his body, and off he went to the Impression.”) The content in the body paragraphs contains a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Any other person would be scared out of their wits to have a big bully come near them. Not Keevan! He was independent enough to take on a big bully without anyone's help or guidance.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure, a good introduction and conclusion, and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ Did you know that the smallest boy and the most injured could become the most successful? Well it is true! That is exactly what happened in, ‘The Smallest Dragonboy’ by Anne McCaffery. It is a short story filled with fantasy.”) The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. ( Keevan is very brave throughout the whole story. He is also independent and determined which helps him get the dragon.”) The conclusion summarizes the main point of the essay well. (“ Now you can see the three characteristics of Keevan that I thought stood out the most. Keevan is very brave throughout the whole story. He is also independent and determined which helps him get the dragon. At the end of the story Keevan is ecstatic to know that he has finally become, a dragon man!”)

Language Use & Style

A good use of language and style is displayed in this essay. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ In this story, there is a young child named Keevan. He wants to become a dragon rider but his dreams are almost crushed because of a fight with a bully named Beterli.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the essay. (“ Keevan is incredibly independent in this story. It even seems that he does not have any parents or any guardians at all. . . . So, he feels that he is independent enough to go. Another way Keevan is independent in this story is when he tries to beat Beterli by himself.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ What I think is amazing is that he goes to the hatching ground and he is injured at the same time!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Once he decides to go to the Impression, he tries to get off of his bed but he can't. The excruciating pain in his legs and his head was pulling him back into his bed. Keevan was so determined he kept thinking of, ‘What is pain to a dragon man?’ His determination overpowered his physical pain throughout his body, and off he went to the Impression.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do almost anything for it? Well, in Anne McCaffrey's short story, "The Smallest Dragon Boy" Keevan is a small boy who lives on the planet Pern who is willing to do just that. The main character, Keevan, faces many problems, but some of his biggest problem is being too small and getting picked on. During the course of the story, Keevan unwinds his problems one by one. The three character traits that cause Keevan to become a hero, are that he is determined, brave, and hard working.

Keevan is a very hard worker. He is the smallest kid so he has to work a lot harder than the others. For example, when all the kids were going to the hatching ground, just to check the eggs out, Keevan starts to fall behind. So Keevan starts to jog, just to keep up, and by the time they get to the hatching, he's all out of breathe. And when they get there, Beterli, the biggest, starts to make fun of Keevan. But Keevan just ignores it and moves on. When Keevan does this, it shows that he could do a lot more and willing to do something to stay with the group. Another example, Keevan is always doing everything twice as hard. Like if they mine coal, he mines coal harder. And he never gives up in anything he does. This shows that Keevan is a very hard worker.

One of the most characteristics that is very important to Keevan is, brave. Keevan was the only boy who stuck up to Beterli. But during that process, Keevan gets beat up. They are mining coal, and Beterli tries to take Keevan's shovel, but Keevan fights back. Beterli then starts to beat up Keevan. Keevan ends up get a cuncusion and a broken leg. Another example of being brave is when they are walking towards the hatching ground, and Keevan has to jog. When they get there, Beterli makes fun of Keevan. But then Keevan starts to make fun of Beterli. Then they where almost going to get into a fight, but an adult was there. In this example, Keevan is very brave because if he didn't, Beterli would keep making fun of him. And the other kids will join in with him. So by being brave, Keevan saves himself from being humilated.

Determined is a very good word to describe Keevan. While they were doing their chores, Keevan gets beat up by Beterli. When Keevan woke up he was in the nurse's office with a broken leg. He aslo got a concusion, but that doesnt stop Keevan from going to the hatching ground. So Keevan finds a stick and makes his way to the hatching ground, he is stumbles on they way there. When he finally gets there, all the dragon riders have been picked, except for one. So, dissapionted, Keevan tries to exit, but he stumbles on the way out. So he just layed there. Then Keevan heard some comotion going on, Keevan turned around, and there was a Bronze Dragon right behind him! He has been picked by a Bronze Dragon! Just think, if Keevan would have never have gone down, he would hav never have been picked.

During this story, Keevan faces many problems, and he over comes all of them. Because Keevan is hard working, determined, and brave, Keevan has earned himself a bronze dragon!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary topic through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the thesis statement asserts the writer’s point of view or argument adequately. (“ During the course of the story, Keevan unwinds his problems one by one. The three character traits that cause Keevan to become a hero, are that he is determined, brave, and hard working.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ Keevan is a very hard worker. He is the smallest kid so he has to work a lot harder than the others. For example, when all the kids were going to the hatching ground, just to check the eggs out, Keevan starts to fall behind.”) The intended audience is adequately understood. (“Keevan was the only boy who stuck up to Beterli. But during that process, Keevan gets beat up. They are mining coal, and Beterli tries to take Keevan's shovel, but Keevan fights back.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately and uses some specific and accurate evidence from the text. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the writer’s thesis statement. (“ Determined is a very good word to describe Keevan. While they were doing their chores, Keevan gets beat up by Beterli. When Keevan woke up he was in the nurse's office with a broken leg. He aslo got a concusion, but that doesnt stop Keevan from going to the hatching ground.”) The essay includes facts, examples, and explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ Then Keevan heard some comotion going on, Keevan turned around, and there was a Bronze Dragon right behind him! He has been picked by a Bronze Dragon! Just think, if Keevan would have never have gone down, he would hav never have been picked.”) The writer uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Keevan is a very hard worker. He is the smallest kid so he has to work a lot harder than the others. For example, when all the kids were going to the hatching ground, just to check the eggs out, Keevan starts to fall behind. So Keevan starts to jog, just to keep up, and by the time they get to the hatching, he's all out of breathe.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do almost anything for it? Well, in Anne McCaffrey's short story, "The Smallest Dragon Boy" Keevan is a small boy who lives on the planet Pern who is willing to do just that.”) The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The three character traits that cause Keevan to become a hero, are that he is determined, brave, and hard working.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ During this story, Keevan faces many problems, and he over comes all of them. Because Keevan is hard working, determined, and brave, Keevan has earned himself a bronze dragon!”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter; a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ And when they get there, Beterli, the biggest, starts to make fun of Keevan. But Keevan just ignores it and moves on. When Keevan does this, it shows that he could do a lot more and willing to do something to stay with the group.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello, do you want to read about the story called The Smallest Dragon Boy. I love that story because it has to do so much with how older people treat younger people, I mean how kids treat younger kids. Anyways this story was writin by Anne McCaffrey. The main Character of the story is Keevan and he is the youngest out of all the kids. He lives on inside the cones of old valcanoes in cave colinies called Weyrs. Thern are 72 kids and Keevan was the youngest out of all of them so he had a pretty tuff time because all of the other kids made fun of that just because he was the younest. All of the older kids called him Babe, they call him Babe because it stands for baby.

I think that the best part of the story is when the kids have to becaome Dragon Ridders. The way that the could become dragon ridders is only if they get their hands on a dragon egg they have to get a dragon egg first so that when the egg crackes than the dragon in the egg will see their owner and then they will become a dragon ridder when they ride the dragon. Souds easy huh well its not. Its not easy because ther is 72 kids and only 40 eggs. So he was affraid that he might not get one Keevan of course Keevan is lonly because he is the youngest and no one wants to be his friend because they dont like him and just because he is the youngest.

Guess what Keevan did get a dragon egg. Now he must take care of it, and when it haches, then he will be the dragons friend and partner Keevan will becaome a dragon ridder. Then all of a sudden the eggs started cracking and Keevan droped his shovel and stoped his work Beterlie came to Keevan and he took Keevans shovel but Keevan wouldnt let him so they fout for the shovel. Keevan pulled and pulled for the shovel and he did get it. Now you know that some kids are mean to other kids, but in this caise all of the older kids are only mean to the younger kids. Just like Beterli is to Keevan. Back to Keevan and the dragon egg. Well it turns out that Keevan did get an egg after all and Beterli did not get an egg after the eggs hatched the dragon has to pick their friend and so the kid could become a dragon ridder. So since Beterli was fighting with Keevan, a dragon did not pick him they only picked other kids and also Keevan. Beterli did not get a dgagon because he is mean and no dragon wants a friend like that Keevan became a dragon ridder Keevan got his dragon and a friend as well. Also the Dragon got a friend, and his friend was Keevan.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes few or vague connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a central/controlling idea. For example, the essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“Hello, do you want to read about the story called The Smallest Dragon Boy. I love that story because it has to do so much with how older people treat younger people, I mean how kids treat younger kids. Anyways this story was writin by Anne McCaffrey.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“Now you know that some kids are mean to other kids, but in this caise all of the older kids are only mean to the younger kids. Just like Beterli is to Keevan. Back to Keevan and the dragon egg.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story and includes specific information about the character. (“Guess what Keevan did get a dragon egg. Now he must take care of it, and when it haches, then he will be the dragons friend and partner Keevan will becaome a dragon ridder.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay displays a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ So he was affraid that he might not get one Keevan of course Keevan is lonly because he is the youngest and no one wants to be his friend because they dont like him and just because he is the youngest. ”) The essay displays a limited use of details to illustrate main ideas. (“ I think that the best part of the story is when the kids have to becaome Dragon Ridders. The way that the could become dragon ridders is only if they get their hands on a dragon egg they have to get a dragon egg first so that when the egg crackes than the dragon in the egg will see their owner and then they will become a dragon ridder when they ride the dragon .”) The ideas included in the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis statement. (“ Keevan pulled and pulled for the shovel and he did get it. Now you know that some kids are mean to other kids, but in this caise all of the older kids are only mean to the younger kids. Just like Beterli is to Keevan. Back to Keevan and the dragon egg.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; although, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. In particular, the introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Hello, do you want to read about the story called The Smallest Dragon Boy. I love that story because it has to do so much with how older people treat younger people, I mean how kids treat younger kids.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ I think that the best part of the story is when the kids have to becaome Dragon Ridders. . . . Guess what Keevan did get a dragon egg.”) The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“ So since Beterli was fighting with Keevan, a dragon did not pick him they only picked other kids and also Keevan. Beterli did not get a dgagon because he is mean and no dragon wants a friend like that Keevan became a dragon ridder Keevan got his dragon and a friend as well. Also the Dragon got a friend, and his friend was Keevan.” )

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. Simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice are present in this essay. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice. In particular, there are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The way that the could become dragon ridders is only if they get their hands on a dragon egg they have to get a dragon egg first so that when the egg crackes than the dragon in the egg will see their owner and then they will become a dragon ridder when they ride the dragon. Souds easy huh well its not.”) Exact words are missing. (“ So since Beterli was fighting with Keevan, a dragon did not pick him they only picked other kids and also Keevan. Beterli did not get a dgagon because he is mean and no dragon wants a friend like that Keevan became a dragon ridder Keevan got his dragon and a friend as well.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Guess what Keevan did get a dragon egg.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“Souds easy huh well its not. Its not easy because ther is 72 kids and only 40 eggs. So he was affraid that he might not get one Keevan of course Keevan is lonly because he is the youngest and no one wants to be his friend because they dont like him and just because he is the youngest.”) The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story The Smallest Dragon Boy, by Anne McCaffrey, the boy Keevan learns how to be a dragon rider. He is always picked on by this boy named Beterli. Beterli is always pushing him around. He is the smallest boy there. They live on the planet Pern. The boys there including Keevan want to become a dragon rider the dragons are in the eggs and through the time before the hatch the boys have to please them. Keevan has never been to the hatching grounds.

Keevan is a kind and generous . He is only mean to Beterli because he pushes Keevan. keevan is brave to. He is dreaming of being a Bronze dragon rider. Keevan has a foster mom. She always supports him and helps him. Keevan wants to be like his dad who is a dragon rider. Later on the story, Beterli and Keevan get into a fight. Beterli pushes Keevan onto rocks and he breaks his leg. When he is in bed the hatching starts.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“ In the story The Smallest Dragon Boy, by Anne McCaffrey, the boy Keevan learns how to be a dragon rider. He is always picked on by this boy named Beterli. Beterli is always pushing him around. He is the smallest boy there. ”) The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ They live on the planet Pern. The boys there including Keevan want to become a dragon rider the dragons are in the eggs and through the time before the hatch the boys have to please them. ”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. (“ Keevan is a kind and generous . He is only mean to Beterli because he pushes Keevan. keevan is brave to. ”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“ He is dreaming of being a Bronze dragon rider. Keevan has a foster mom. She always supports him and helps him. Keevan wants to be like his dad who is a dragon rider. ”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Keevan is a kind and generous . He is only mean to Beterli because he pushes Keevan. keevan is brave to. ”) The essay includes less than three main ideas as evidence. (“ Later on the story, Beterli and Keevan get into a fight. Beterli pushes Keevan onto rocks and he breaks his leg. When he is in bed the hatching starts. ”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Specifically, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ In the story The Smallest Dragon Boy, by Anne McCaffrey, the boy Keevan learns how to be a dragon rider. He is always picked on by this boy named Beterli. Beterli is always pushing him around. ”) The introduction neglects to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The boys there including Keevan want to become a dragon rider the dragons are in the eggs and through the time before the hatch the boys have to please them. Keevan has never been to the hatching grounds. ”) The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ Later on the story, Beterli and Keevan get into a fight. Beterli pushes Keevan onto rocks and he breaks his leg. When he is in bed the hatching starts. ”)

Language Use & Style

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“ Keevan is a kind and generous . He is only mean to Beterli because he pushes Keevan. keevan is brave to. He is dreaming of being a Bronze dragon rider. Keevan has a foster mom. She always supports him and helps him. ”) The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. It includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue; also, a controlling idea is not stated. (“keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text. The essay displays inadequate details that relate to the theme of the story or describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, no awareness of audience is present in this essay. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“keevan the Bronze Dagon rider has many character traits. These traits cause his road to being a dragon rider even harder then it should be. some of his traits do the exactly the opposite tho. keevan is young at only twelve years of age. He's the young Weyr to Impress a dragon. Even at 12 years old he's able to aqquire a Bronze Dragon, and the Bronze Dragon is the highest rank of the dragons.”) The writer can click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“The Tree”

Read the passage by Sarah Orne Jewett.

Why would a young girl climb such a huge tree? Why was the climb so difficult? Write a well-organized essay in which you answer these questions.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Tree" is a story written by Sarah Orne Jewett. In the beginning of the story Sylvia felt brave and determined enough to climb the huge tree. Climbing the tree led Sylvia to both an internal and external conflict. Her internal conflict was to gather enough courage and determination to climb the tree, while her external conflict was climbing the tree and dealing with the physical difficulties like climbing it while it was wet with dew. Clues in the story led me to what I believe the premise is, and it is a very important one, as well as a good one. I believe the premise is that people will get help along the way from others, as long as they show that they are committed to achieving their goals.

It seems to me as if Sylvia climbed the tree to watch the sunrise from a higher point of view. Many clues in the text led me to this idea. First of all, Sylvia began climbing the tree before dawn and seemed to be determined to reach the top at a certain time. It was as if she was racing the sun to the top of the tree to reach the sky. Also, she began to rush when she noticed it was becoming lighter and day was approaching more rapidly than before. I inferred that Sylvia reached the top at the end of the story when I read the lines "The brave, beating heart of the solitary gray-eyed child. And the tree stood and held away the winds that June morning while the dawn grew bright in the east." This was the last clue to my sunrise theory; the sun rises in the east every day.

Many difficulties approached Sylvia during her climbing experience on the giant tree, but Sylvia found a way around these obstacles. One thing that made Sylvia's climb so difficult was her physical difficulties. One was that Sylvia was so small and weak compared to the mammoth tree. Also, the tree was wet and slippery from the dew that had fallen upon it. Not only were the branches far apart and hard to reach, but they were sharp and hard, like the talons of an angry bird. The most difficult thing physically for Sylvia may have been taking the risky step from the oak limb to the old pine. Her surroundings made it tough for her as well. It was dark and the only thing giving light was the pale moon. Another thing was that Sylvia was in new territory. She was now climbing past the point where she had never passed before. Probably, the most challenging part though, was figuring out if she really wanted to climb the tree, and if she had enough courage and strength to even bother trying.

I was really interested in how the author of this story used figurative language to describe characters and some of the story's events. In my opinion, I think figurative language made the story more interesting. The author used a variety of different types of figurative language to describe different things. The author used personification to give the tree a personality. This made it clearer that the tree really cared about Sylvia. An example of personification would be, “the tree wrapped its branches around Sylvia and held away the wind while she watched the sky”. Also, similes were used to describe parts of the tree such as the branches, and some similes were used to describe some of Sylvia's actions. The branches were described as angry talons and while climbing, Sylvia's toes were described as a” bird's claw that pinched and held the tree”. One thing that I think made the story the most interesting of all was the characters. Sylvia was so much smaller and weaker than the enormous tree and this brought suspense. It made me wonder, how was Sylvia going to climb the tree? The tree's description made it seem caring. All the elements in the story really tied it up to make it more interesting and descriptive.

Sylvia had a very difficult challenge and although I don't recall having such a difficult challenge I could imagine what the experience would be like. Like Sylvia, I too would have determined to accomplish my goal. For other people my goal may seem strange and a waste of time, but if it was really important and it mattered a lot to me I would not let peoples comments interfere. If it seems as if I fail then I would push myself harder to correct any error I may have made while trying to achieve my goal. Quitting would be the last thing on my mind. I wouldn't let distractions get in my and if they were to occur I would do everything I could to get around them. If I do accomplish my goal, I would also take time to admire my accomplishment. Since I never had such a difficult task I could only imagine, but I think it would be similar to how I described it. One thing might be different in reality though, I am going to be prouder of myself than I think.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea (“I believe the premise is that people will get help along the way from others, as long as they show that they are committed to achieving their goals.”) that connects the text and the task in a meaningful way. The author goes beyond the surface of the story to analyze the literary terms and techniques used in the narrative. (“I was really interested in how the author of this story used figurative language to describe characters and some of the story's events.”) The author shows a clear understanding of the story and establishes strong associations between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the story is thorough and accurate. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. For example, in the second paragraph, the author makes inferences directly from the story. (“It seems to me as if Sylvia climbed the tree to watch the sunrise from a higher point of view. Many clues in the text led me to this idea. First of all, Sylvia began climbing the tree before dawn and seemed to be determined to reach the top at a certain time.”) The wide variety of details and examples gives the thesis strong credibility.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction engages the readers with a useful summary of the story and the character’s conflicts, and it ends in a pronounced thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence (“ Many difficulties approached Sylvia during her climbing experience on the giant tree, but Sylvia found away around these obstacles.”) and includes transitional devices (“First of all”, “Also”, and “Another thing was”). In the conclusion, the author effectively connects the character’s experience to him/herself. (“Sylvia had a very difficult challenge and although I don't recall having such a difficult challenge, I could imagine what the experience would be like. Like Sylvia, I too would have been determined to accomplish my goal.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed of very effective and appropriate language. The author uses precise and artful word choice (“determination”, “inferred”, and “figurative”). The essay also contains varied and well-structured sentences, which demonstrate a clear and defined voice. (“In the beginning of the story Sylvia felt brave and determined enough to climb the huge tree. Climbing the tree led Sylvia to both an internal and external conflict. Her internal conflict was to gather enough courage and determination to climb the tree, while her external conflict was climbing the tree and dealing with the physical difficulties like climbing it while it was wet with dew.”) This student exhibits an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

The student demonstrates very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. If some errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling do exist, they do not interfere with the communication of the message. (“ For other people my goal may seem strange and a waste of time, but if it was really important and it mattered a lot to me I would not let peoples comments interfere.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There was once a little girl named Sylvia in the story, "The Tree" who had a motive to conquer a climb up a massive tree. This feat would be very difficult for the young girl because she is young and the tree is so big. At the beginning of her climb up the tree, she felt well prepared and extremely confident that she would succeed. Along the way she had many challenges which included twigs that would scrape her and the tree was much taller than the ever imagined it to be. Sylvia had many reasons to climb the tree as well. She must be a very persistant girl in order to attempt to climb the tree and keep at it, even though she was injured.

To begin with, Sylvia felt well prepared and was extremely confident that she would be able to tackle and complete the challenge of climbing the tree. "Small and hopeful Sylvia began with utmost bravery to mount the top of it" is a statement that clearly states that Sylvia is confident of her skills. The beginning of the climb was easy and gave Sylvia even greater confidence. Sylvia often climbed that particular area and knew exactly what to do. Her climbing skills were superior at the beginning of the climb, but when she got to the tree, everything went downhill.

She faced many difficulties along the way, but they would not make her valiant effort fall in vein. The second part of the trip was harder than Sylvia thought. The dry, pointed twigs scratched and bloodied up the frail, young Sylvia when she climbed even more. When she tried to climb the great tree, it always seemed taller than it was the previous second. That tree in Sylvia's opinion, was much taller than it looked from the ground. Sylvia knew that she has to be quick so another difficulty with the climb was the time needed to complete it. Those are the dangers Sylvia faced when she climbed the tree.

Finally, there were many reasons for Sylvia to climb the tree, but the most important one was personal glory and renown. It would be an amazing feat if she actually did climb the tree so there would be a lot of glory in that. Also, it is a huge challenge because the tree is so big, and it was a difficult climb, even with Sylvia's skills. The climb was also very dangerous which makes it even more challenging and fun. "The tree seemed to lengthen itself out as she went up and to reach farther upward," is a line that describes the challenge of the endeavor. That is why Sylvia decided to climb the tree.

Sylvia is a young and brave girl that decides to climb up an enormous tree, even though it is dangerous and is very tall. She was very determined because she was exhausted and sliced up, but she still continued up this seemingly endless tree. At the beginning of the climb, Sylvia was so confident that she would climb the tree with ease, but those thoughts were abandoned later in the climb. She faced many difficulties during the climb and those included sharp twigs and slippery branches. Also, Sylvia has many reasons to climb and the most important one was because it was challenging. That is why Sylvia climbed the tree.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea in the introduction (“There was once a little girl named Sylvia in the story, ‘The Tree’ who had a motive to conquer a climb up a massive tree… Sylvia had many reasons to climb the tree as well. She must be a very persistant girl in order to attempt to climb the tree and keep at it, even though she was injured.”) and completes a thorough analysis of this text. Throughout the response, the author maintains connections between the text and the task, demonstrating a clear and strong focus and meaning.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the story. For example, in the third paragraph, the author gives specific reasons as to why the climb was so difficult for Sylvia. (“The second part of the trip was harder than Sylvia thought. The dry, pointed twigs scratched and bloodied up the frail, young Sylvia when she climbed even more. When she tried to climb the great tree, it always seemed taller than it was the previous second.”) By including such concrete and relevant details, the author is able to effectively support his/her ideas.

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph is focused, with a strong topic sentence and transitional device. (“To begin with, Sylvia felt well prepared and was extremely confident that she would be able to tackle and complete the challenge of climbing the tree.”) The conclusion is effective in summarizing the story and the student’s main points. (“She was very determined because she was exhausted and sliced up, but she still continued up this seemingly endless tree… Also, Sylvia has many reasons to climb and the most important one was because it was challenging.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed with good language use and style. The author demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as well-constructed sentences. (“ She faced many difficulties along the way, but they would not make her valiant effort fall in vein. The second part of the trip was harder than Sylvia thought. The dry, pointed twigs scratched and bloodied up the frail, young Sylvia when she climbed even more.”) The writer’s style could be improved, however, with further evidence of the student’s voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

Generally, the response shows good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in spelling (“persistant”), grammar (“That tree in Sylvia's opinion”), and punctuation do appear, but they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Tree

Would you ever climb a huge oak tree at night?

Well a girl named Sylvia wanted to climb that huge tree.The story began like this... Sylvia decided that she wanted to climb a huge tree at night.Sylvia had thought that it would be fun.She wanted to prove herself that she was brave.She wanted secretly climb the huge tree at night because she wouldn't want to get in trouble by her parents.She would see birds fluttering off it's nest.Her bare feet pinched like if a bird pinched your fingers with it's claws.Also she thought that it would be fun to climb the huge big tree.

Sylvia would climb the tree because she wanted to achieve her goal.To get to the top of the big huge oak tree.Also because she wanted her goal to come true.She also wanted to prove herself that she can do it.And the last reason I think that she could climb the tree during at night time that way her parents would not see her climb the tree, because they wouldn't let her climb the tree.She wanted to personally satisfaction for herself.

The climbing was so difficult for Sylvia because it was to dark and you couldn't see anything.She could of also got hurt by cutting her leg because she was barefoot while she was climbing the huge oak tree.Also she could of got hurt by those sharp branches. But the other most important thing was when she tried to climb to the other pine tree thatwas in the side of the big oak tree.And the last thing that I thought was difficult for Sylvia was she thought that she would get scared and would fall off the huge oak tree while she was trying to climb to the top of the tree.

As little Sylvia was climbing the huge big tall tree with her bare feet and her fingers that pinched like a birds claws.With tiny fragile, and delicate fingers and toes.Her eager blood coursing through her channels of whole frame.The author Sara Orne Jewett had put figurative languages in the story of The Tree.For example she had put "held like a birds claws to the monstrous oak tree that grew alongside".She was very excited to climb the huge oak tree.While she was climbing the tree her digging nails were into the tree while she was climbing.

Sylvia had a very small time.She would climb the tree at night because she didn't want to her parents to see her while she would climb in the day light.In the end of the story The Tree turns out to be a nice and truly story.But the story does not end there because Sylvia still manage to climb the tree on a early June morning.So that meant that when she reached up to the top it meant that"She achieved her goal and she did she actually reached her goal to climb all the way up to the top of the huge oak tree.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The response answers the questions posed in the writing prompt. (“She wanted to prove herself that she was brave. She wanted secretly climb the huge tree at night because she wouldn't want to get in trouble by her parents.”), but could have been more effective with a stronger and more focused controlling idea. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some implied connections between the task and the text.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the third paragraph, the author goes into some detail describing how difficult the climb was for Sylvia. (“The climbing was so difficult for Sylvia because it was to dark and you couldn't see anything.She could of also got hurt by cutting her leg because she was barefoot while she was climbing the huge oak tree.Also she could of got hurt by those sharp branches.”) Although further elaboration could help improve this essay, it does contain adequate content and development.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction attempts to grab the reader’s attention (“Would you ever climb a huge oak tree at night?”) and responds to the prompt. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“Sylvia would climb the tree because she wanted to achieve her goal.”) However, the fourth paragraph does seem to lose its focus and become disorganized. (“As little Sylvia was climbing the huge big tall tree with her bare feet and her fingers that pinched like a birds claws.With tiny fragile, and delicate fingers and toes.Her eager blood coursing through her channels of whole frame.The author Sara Orne Jewett had put figurative languages in the story of The Tree.”) The last paragraph concludes the essay by reiterating the successful end of the story.

Language Use & Style

One of the author’s weaknesses is in his/her sentence structure. The essay contains several fragments that sometimes distract the reader. (“As little Sylvia was climbing the huge big tall tree with her bare feet and her fingers that pinched like a birds claws. With tiny fragile, and delicate fingers and toes.” and “To get to the top of the big huge oak tree.”) However, word choice is adequate throughout the response, and some evidence of voice is seen in the beginning of the introduction.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is somewhat limited. There are several errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation (“And the last reason I think that she could climb the tree during at night time that way her parents would not see her climb the tree, because they wouldn't let her climb the tree.”) that somewhat interfere with the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story ''The Tree'' By Sarah was a little girl named Sylvia. She wanted to climb a huge tree she said she was going to climb it.She said she was going to face her fears no matter what happen to her she was not going to give up. Sylvia said it was hard but she was going to climb the huge tree.

When Sylvia was climbing, ''The Tree'' she felt brave of her shelf and scared Sylvia faced a lot of fears.When she was climbing, she knew she was house breaking more than one animal.when she was climbing she ''slip'' but she kept going. The branches of the tree were making her bruises and scratches.racons were hitting her on the head and birds were on her because they were so angry because she was on there property.

The author believed that if you sent a goal and you are determent you will be successful. I once read a short story called ''Child labor of Love''. In that story a child also set's a goal and ''was'' really successful. I really enjoyed both stories The Tree and ''Child labor of Love''.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author provides a basic analysis, with only limited connections between the text and the assigned task. He/she attempts to answer some of the questions presented in the writing prompt (“She wanted to climb a huge tree she said she was going to climb it.She said she was going to face her fears no matter what happen to her she was not going to give up. Sylvia said it was hard but she was going to climb the huge tree.”), but has difficulty making clear connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

Although the author does discuss some of the reasons for Sylvia’s experiences, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph, the author explains the climb (“When she was climbing, she knew she was house breaking more than one animal.when she was climbing she ''slip'' but she kept going.“), but the examples and descriptions are brief. Therefore, the author fails to adequately make the necessary connections to the task. The content is insufficient because it is only briefly and incompletely developed.

Organization

Some evidence of structure is evident within the essay. There is a noticeable introductory paragraph, but it is underdeveloped. The single body paragraph lacks a strong focus and purpose. (“When she was climbing, she knew she was house breaking more than one animal.when she was climbing she ‘slip’ but she kept going.”) The author attempts, in the conclusion, to end the essay adequately by connecting “The Tree” to another short story (“I once read a short story called ‘Child labor of Love’'. In that story a child also set's a goal and ‘was’ really successful.”), but the association needs further development.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is quite simple (“In the story ‘The Tree’' By Sarah was a little girl named Sylvia. She wanted to climb a huge tree she said she was going to climb it.She said she was going to face her fears no matter what happen to her she was not going to give up.”), it is not inappropriate for its audience. Word choice is adequate but lacks complexity and variety. The only instance of voice that is detectable is in the conclusion, when the story is compared to another narrative.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several errors in usage do occur (“ if you sent a goal and you are determent”) which somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The reason I think that the young girl climbed the big tree is she wanted to make a accomplishment.She wanted to make everyone see her as a strong, concerned,and heard working.I guess she thought that she can do ant thing in the world that she new she could make happen. That's why she claimed the tree because she set a goal in life to set up and accomplish the thrilling ride of life.Even though she was wonder that she can get heart and risking her life.I think she is the bravest girl in the world

When she climbed the tree I was so scary for her because I can see her getting heart.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author does state a central idea indicating that he or she has read the story and somewhat understands the task. (“That's why she claimed the tree because she set a goal in life to set up and accomplish the thrilling ride of life.”) However, the analysis is insufficient and confused. (“Even though she was wonder that she can get heart and risking her life.I think she is the bravest girl in the world”) The author fails to make connections between the text and the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. The attempt to deliver an interpretation (“The reason I think that the young girl climbed the big tree is she wanted to make a accomplishment.”) is weakened by the brevity of the argument and the lack of references to the text. This essay leaves the reader expecting more content and development. There are entirely too few details and examples for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this short response. The first sentence seems more like a controlling statement than an introduction to the essay. (“The reason I think that the young girl climbed the big tree is she wanted to make a accomplishment.”) The first paragraph of the essay lacks focus and logical structure. The second paragraph is only one sentence, and leaves readers unclear as to its purpose in this response. The essay lacks a proper introduction, body, conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The author uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and seems unaware of the audience. Basic errors in sentence structure are evident (“ I guess she thought that she can do ant thing in the world that she new she could make happen.”), and word choice is often incorrect (“She wanted to make everyone see her as a strong, concerned,and heard working.”). Language use is limited and detracts from the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation, grammar, and usage (“That's why she claimed the tree “) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This story by Sarah Orne Jewett was about a girl, named Corey, who climed a boring tree. The reason why she did this, in my opinoin, is because she was bored. In addition, her brother, Fabian, was also bothering her. But in all she just wanted to get away.

This is because in the past few days a few things happed

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. There is little semblance of a controlling idea (“The reason why she did this, in my opinoin, is because she was bored. In addition, her brother, Fabian, was also bothering her. But in all she just wanted to get away. ”), and there are no connections made between the story, the central idea, and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

Much of the information in this brief essay is inadequate simply because it is fabricated. For example, the story never states that the girl’s name is Corey, nor does it mention a brother named Fabian. There is very little content and that which is mentioned is completely inappropriate and does not reference the story’s text at all. The author’s apathy is evident (“a girl, named Corey, who climed a boring tree.”).

Organization

In the space of five lines, the reader cannot discern any evidence of an organizational structure. The first paragraph does not act as a proper introduction or body paragraph. The second attempt at creating a paragraph appears incomplete because it is only a single line. The essay lacks a proper introduction, developed body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

It is difficult to judge the appropriateness of the author’s language use in such a short response. However, it is evident that his/her ability to use language is quite limited. (“This is because in the past few days a few things happed”) Had this student further developed this essay, the audience could have quite possibly seen greater language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response , the author demonstrates a limited ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“ climed ” and “ happed” ) , punctuation, and grammar are distracting to the reader.

Theme in Literature

A theme is the main message a reader can learn about life or human nature from a literary piece. From a story you have read in class, identify a theme that the reader may learn from the story. In a well-organized essay, describe this theme. Use textual examples from the story to support your ideas and explain how they support the theme.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Door in the Wall, a classic piece of English Literature, is a well-crafted novel that takes readers on an unforgettable adventure and has many worthwhile themes and lessons as the story progresses. Set in the Medieval Times of Shropshire, London , this wonderful tale written by Marguerite de Angeli follows the journeys of a young boy named Robin. Robin is lame in his legs and in the beginning of the novel is considered a brat. This all changes however, when Brother Luke whisks Robin away and takes him to the castle of Sir Peter de Lindsay . He gradually gains strength in both his body and mind, and begins to appreciate himself a little bit more. Robin goes on to discover that he is not helpless and saves the castle and learns that there is more then one way to serve the king. Although Robin is crippled, he was able to pull himself out of helplessness and become a hero. Adults and children alike will learn valuable lessons of strength, courage, and opportunity from this awesome novel.

The first worthwhile theme that runs through this story is strength. Strength is shown as the ultimate goal wanted to achieve and as something that appears both mentally and physically. We see the essence of strength in this tale shown by the quote, “His chest felt tightly squeezed, and as if sharp knives pierced him. He seemed unable to breathe, and his head felt ready to burst. But he struck out fiercely, and after a few strokes began to breathe more easily. Warmth crept through his body and a feeling of power, as if nothing could be too difficult for him. He swam strongly across the swift current toward the path he had seen from the top of the tower.” This quote takes place when Robin must swim across the depths of a river to reach help. This is the ultimate test of physical strength for Robin, because his legs are lame and he must only use his arms. Beating all odds, Robin makes it across the river using the great physical strength that he has achieved by hard work and practice and accomplishes his goal. In this story, Robin gains strength which leads him to believe in himself and gain courage as well.

The second major theme shown throughout the course of this novel is courage. Courage is one of the things that Robin gained throughout the story. If Robin did not have courage, he would have never had saved the castle and become the hero. Courage assisted Robin a great deal in his adventures, and the only way that he found this courage was by believing in himself and knowing that he could do it. An example of the courage shown by Robin in The Door in the Wall is when it reads “Let me go,” said Robin. ‘I can go out the small door at the north whilst it is early morning…” This quote shows Robin’s newfound courage because he volunteered himself for the dangerous mission of seeking help and fooling the Welsh at the same time. Knowing that this was a deadly feat, he willingly and courageously defied the Welsh and was able to get help and save the day. At the beginning of this novel, Robin was barely courageous enough to go into the water, yet alone cross paths with armed men. He has shown a great deal of character development in the form of courage throughout the course of the story. While courage is a value that made it possible for Robin to save the castle, he would have never had gained courage if Brother Luke hadn't opened his eyes and showed him the final theme, opportunity, and where it hides.

The final theme in The Door in the Wall is opportunity. There are many opportunities throughout this book, which is why it is the main theme. The title, The Door in the Wall, represents opportunity. You must search hard to look for valuable opportunities, and when you take the opportunity, you are rewarded. The Door in the Wall represents opportunity in the quote “For reading is another door in the wall, dost understand, my son?” Robin smiled and nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I see now what you mean by the door in the wall.” The door in the wall, in this quote, obviously represents opportunity. Robin must seize the valuable opportunity of learning how to read, to educate himself and better assist him on future outgoings. Robin went on to learn how to read and write, and it paid off greatly by the end of the book. It is important to take chances when you get them, for opportunity is always knocking.

This fine children’s tale does much more then just entertain. It displays many worthy themes woven throughout the course of the book. Its meaning is much deeper then just an easy read. It teaches valuable lessons that are necessary to lead a successful life. In conclusion, this well crafted novel displays the themes of strength, courage, and opportunity.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes an insightful controlling idea, which also clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“ Adults and children alike will learn valuable lessons of strength, courage, and opportunity from this awesome novel.”) Through this focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate an understanding of the themes the story illustrates. The author establishes strong connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the book is thorough and accurate. The author not only cites directly from the original story but also explains how these particular quotes help support the thesis. (“ This quote takes place when Robin must swim across the depths of a river to reach help. This is the ultimate test of physical strength for Robin, because his legs are lame and he must only use his arms. Beating all odds, Robin makes it across the river using the great physical strength that he has achieved by hard work and practice and accomplishes his goal.”) Each body paragraph addresses a new theme, building from the previous paragraph. (“While courage is a value that made it possible for Robin to save the castle, he would have never had gained courage if Brother Luke hadn't opened his eyes and showed him the final theme, opportunity, and where it hides.”) The wide variety of details and examples give the thesis strong credibility.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction engages the reader with a useful summary of the story (“ The Door in the Wall, a classic piece of English Literature, is a well-crafted novel that takes readers on an unforgettable adventure and has many worthwhile themes and lessons as the story progresses.”) , and it ends in a pronounced thesis statement. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence (“The second major theme shown throughout the course of this novel is courage.”) and includes several transitional devices in its beginning and end. In the conclusion, the author effectively summarizes his/her main points (“ This fine children’s tale does much more then just entertain. It displays many worthy themes woven throughout the course of the book”) and restates the thesis.

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response. (“ The Door in the Wall, a classic piece of English Literature, is a well-crafted novel that takes readers on an unforgettable adventure and has many worthwhile themes and lessons as the story progresses.”) Sentences are not only well-structured and varied, but a distinct and appropriate voice is evident. (“Knowing that this was a deadly feat, he willingly and courageously defied the Welsh and was able to get help and save the day. At the beginning of this novel, Robin was barely courageous enough to go into the water, yet alone cross paths with armed men.”) This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

The student demonstrates very effective control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. Very few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling are present and they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The book, The Door in the Wall, is about a ten-year-old boy named Robin. After both of his parents have gone to serve the King and Queen, he lost the use of his legs. His house servants abandoned him because they feared that he was sick with the plague. Luckily, Brother Luke, a monk, heard about Robin being alone and rescued him. Robin was taken to St. Mark’s monastery and learned many things like swimming, reading, writing, woodcarving, and walking with crutches. Later on, Robin, Brother Luke, and a messenger, John-go-in-the-Wynd, went to Shropshire to meet Robin’s godfather, Sir Peter de Lindsay. When John went to visit his old mother in a village far away, their enemy, the Welsh attacked Shropshire . The castle was sieged and food and water were running out. Robin volunteered to sneak out of the castle to find John to get help. John found more solders and retook the town and lifted the siege. The King rewarded Robin for his courage and Robin learned that he could still do many things even though he is handicapped. In this story, Robin faces hardships, shows courage, and is given many opportunities.

Hardship is a theme that appears early in the story. The quote, “ How he wished he were with them. Even tiresome lessons of singing and reading would be worth doing if only he could run down the street with the other boys. But he could not run. He couldn't even get out of bed.” showed that Robin, the main character, was in a very tough situation. Robin had always wanted to be a knight but now, his dreams were ruined. His legs would not obey him and he couldn't even take care of himself. His parents had gone to serve the King and Queen and his servants had run away so he was all alone.

Robin also demonstrated courage when he volunteered to get help when the castle was under siege. “Let me go,” said Robin. “I can get out the small door at the north whilst it is early morning. No one will suspect me. They will think me a poor shepherd. I shall borrow a smock from William the Farrier’s son and if I am seen, I shall appear stupid.” Robin showed courage by volunteering to do something dangerous and important. Even thought Robin was disabled, he did whatever he could to get help. He knew there were many challenges like the cold, swift, river, enemy solders, and the long distance. Since everybody is needed at their posts, he went alone to find John-go-in-the-Wynd in a village far away to help to lift the siege.

Opportunity is the main theme of this story. The passage, “Sir Peter kept Robin’s hand in his and spoke directly to him. “Each of us had his place in the world,” he said. “If we cannot serve in one way, there is always another. If we do what we are able, a door always opens to something else.” showed that there were always opportunities. As Robin learned to do more and more things like swimming and whittling, more opportunities appeared. Robin learned how to get around with crutches and was later rewarded by the king for his bravery. He was able to become a respected person from a helpless one.

This story, The Door in the Wall, contains many themes. Many hardships stood in Robin’s way. Still, he had courage to accomplish difficult goals. Opportunities also appeared to Robin many times as he explored through his life. Robin is a remarkable child and he is a great main character.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“ In this story, Robin faces hardships, shows courage, and is given many opportunities. ”) and completes a thorough analysis of this text. Throughout the response, the author maintains connections between the novel and the task, demonstrating a clear and strong focus and meaning.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the novel. The author cites directly from the original story to illustrate the various themes. He/she also explains the significance of these particular quotes. ( “’I can get out the small door at the north whilst it is early morning. No one will suspect me. They will think me a poor shepherd. I shall borrow a smock from William the Farrier’s son and if I am seen, I shall appear stupid.’ Robin showed courage by volunteering to do something dangerous and important.”) By including such concrete and relevant details and explanations, the author is able to effectively support his/her ideas.

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph provides background information about the novel and establishes a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“Robin also demonstrated courage when he volunteered to get help when the castle was under siege.”) and is focused throughout. The essay could be further improved, however, with the inclusion of more transitional devices. The conclusion, though, is effective and summarizes the author’s main points well. (“This story, The Door in the Wall, contains many themes. Many hardships stood in Robin’s way. Still, he had courage to accomplish difficult goals. Opportunities also appeared to Robin many times as he explored through his life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay is composed with good language use and style. The author demonstrates appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“ Robin had always wanted to be a knight but now, his dreams were ruined. His legs would not obey him and he couldn't even take care of himself.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied. (“After both of his parents have gone to serve the King and Queen, he lost the use of his legs. His house servants abandoned him because they feared that he was sick with the plague. Luckily, Brother Luke, a monk, heard about Robin being alone and rescued him.”) This essay obviously exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in conventions and mechanics , the mistakes in spelling (“Even thought Robin”), grammar (“The castle was sieged”), and punctuation are few and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The theme of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is true love always prevails. I think this because when a situation like Hermia and Lysander's is looked at, it is easy to see that they stayed together through thick and thin. In the end they became a happily married couple, and everything turned out fine.

Helena stayed devoted to Demetrius no matter was he did or said to her. This is because she had true love for him. Even though Oberon seemed to be cold-hearted with his situation regarding Titania, he turned out to be sympathetic. When he saw noticed Helena 's plight, he thought he would help her out. He told Robin Goodfellow to find the flower and anoint Demetrius' eyes. Although, it may have taken a few tries to get it right, he did it. By doing this he was also helping Lysander and Hermia with there situation. So they both became perfect couples.

When Duke Theseus was on his hunting trip, he found the four lovers. He noticed that they were all in love. This gave him an idea to invite them to join his wedding. His actual speech was, "These couples shall eternally be knit, and, for the morning now is something worn, our purposed hunting shall be set aside, away with us to Athens; three and three, we'll hold a feast in great solemnity. " Even though Egeus didn't agree with Theseus' idea he had to live with it. Hermia certainly lucked out with this, because it would usually be unheard of at this time for a girl to decide who she married. Luckily for her the Duke could change the law. I think that is proof that true love will always prevail.

When events such as these occur, it shows a persons' capability for true love. Helena 's devotion was an example of this. This is why I think the theme of this Shakespearean play is: True love always prevails.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author develops a thesis statement that demonstrates an understanding of the task. (“ The theme of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is true love always prevails.”) However, he/she is not as successful in supporting the thesis and developing ideas. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some implied connections between the task and the text.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the second paragraph the author lists several instances in the play when true love won out. (“ Even though Oberon seemed to be cold-hearted with his situation regarding Titania, he turned out to be sympathetic. When he saw noticed Helena 's plight, he thought he would help her out. He told Robin Goodfellow to find the flower and anoint Demetrius' eyes.”) In the third paragraph, the author shares other examples from the play that support its theme. (“Even though Egeus didn't agree with Theseus' idea he had to live with it. Hermia certainly lucked out with this, because it would usually be unheard of at this time for a girl to decide who she married.”) The ideas, however, could have been more fully and clearly developed with more elaboration and stronger examples from the text.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introductory paragraph lacks a method to engage the reader, but does establish the controlling idea. The body paragraphs are well-constructed but could be improved with focused topic sentences and more transitional devices. The concluding paragraph is noticeable and attempts to summarize the author’s main point. (“ When events such as these occur, it shows a persons' capability for true love. Helena 's devotion was an example of this. This is why I think the theme of this Shakespearean play is: True love always prevails.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Word choice is adequate and appropriate and an awareness of voice is detectable. (“ When events such as these occur, it shows a persons' capability for true love.”) Sentences generally demonstrate good structure and some variety. (“Although, it may have taken a few tries to get it right, he did it.”) The language use is obviously appropriate in its attempt to address the reader.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author commits few errors in punctuation, spelling, and grammar (“helping Lysander and Hermia with there situation”). These mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The third wish is a story about a man that wishes for a wife as beautiful as the forest. His wife was a swan that was unhappy. So he wished to turn her back into a swan. The monkey's paw is a story about an old man that wishes for 2,000 pounds and son dies. They wish for her son to come back, something bad starts to happen. The theme is you should be careful what you wish for. You should be careful what you wish for because in the third wish a guy whishes for a wife and it turns out that she is unhappy. She is unhappy because she was a swan and she misses swimming in the pond. In the end the guy is unhappy too. That's why you should be careful what you wish for.

In the monkey's paw you should also be careful what you wish for. Because his dad whishes for 2,000 pounds and his son dies and the insurance company gives them 2,000 pound. Second she wishes for her son to come back from the dead. When she wishes for her son to come back something weird and bad starts to happening.That's why you should be careful what you wish for.

In real life you should be careful what you wish for because it could come true. Each of the story's they whished for different things and bad things happen to them. Like a man got an unhappy wife and at the end he was unhappy too. In the other story his dad wishes for 2,000 pounds and their son died. That's why you should be careful what you wish for.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author provides a basic analysis, with only limited connections between the text and the assigned task. The author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“ The theme is you should be careful what you wish for.”) but it is underdeveloped. Although an attempt is made at offering connections and controlling ideas, they are rudimentary and limited.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that signify the themes in the book, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the first paragraph, the author tries to offer support for the theme in “The Third Wish” (“ You should be careful what you wish for because in the third wish a guy whishes for a wife and it turns out that she is unhappy. She is unhappy because she was a swan and she misses swimming in the pond. In the end the guy is unhappy too.”), but never fully explains the instances from the novel or connects them to the task.

Organization

Some evidence of structure is evident within the essay. The first paragraph acts as an introduction by giving a brief overview of the two stories and how each relates to the central theme. However, the introduction is not fully focused because towards the end of the paragraph, the author provides support for one particular story over another. This gives the reader the impression that the author is beginning to write the body of the essay. The second paragraph provides a more structured body, but only focuses on one of the two stories. It also could use a topic sentence and more transitional devices. The conclusion of the essay is noticeable, but it seems to simply repeat what was already mentioned about the two stories.

Language Use & Style

The word choice in this response is certainly limited but is not completely inappropriate. (“ When she wishes for her son to come back something weird and bad starts to happening.”) Sentences are sometimes simple or fragmented. (“ Because his dad whishes for 2,000 pounds and his son dies and the insurance company gives them 2,000 pound.”) Control of voice is difficult to detect. Overall, language use and style are insufficient and could use improvement.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several errors in usage , grammar, and punctuation (“When she wishes for her son to come back something weird and bad starts to happening.”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In “What Do Fish Have to Do with Anything?” by Ari.The theme is unhappiness and can cause blindness.

One way the theme is presented is shown is how Ms.Markham is so depressed that she doesn't see anything

In the story Ms.Markham is always sad since her husband left her. That's why she was unhappy and is becoming blind and nothing makes her happy. She's always in her house in the dark until Willie comes from school.Ms.Markham does not listen to Willie that much. It's because she's getting sick and doesn’t listen to Willie.

Ms.Markham is like a fish in a cave That’s related because she is the in the dark for a very long time and if she doesn't gets out of her unhappiness, she is going to get blind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author does state a central idea indicating that he or she has read the story and somewhat understands the task. (“ In “What Do Fish Have to Do with Anything?” by Ari.The theme is unhappiness and can cause blindness.”) However, the analysis is insufficient and confused. (“ In the story Ms.Markham is always sad since her husband left her. That's why she was unhappy and is becoming blind and nothing makes her happy.”) The author fails to make connections between the text and the assigned task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. For example, the author tries to share the premise of the story with the reader, but fails to fully and clearly explain the connection between the story and the task. (“ In the story Ms.Markham is always sad since her husband left her. That's why she was unhappy and is becoming blind and nothing makes her happy. She's always in her house in the dark until Willie comes from school.Ms.Markham does not listen to Willie that much. It's because she's getting sick and doesn’t listen to Willie.”)

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this response. Although the author is obviously comfortable with paragraphing, the essay lacks proper structure. The first paragraph is not really a sufficient paragraph, but rather a mere thesis statement. The second paragraph is only one sentence as well. The third and fourth paragraphs lack logical structure. The essay does not have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, or a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The author uses mediocre language to address his/her audience. Sentences are often simply unclear fragments. (“ One way the theme is presented is shown is how Ms.Markham is so depressed that she doesn't see anything.”) Word choice is poor and demonstrates little awareness of the audience. (“In the story Ms.Markham is always sad since her husband left her. That's why she was unhappy and is becoming blind and nothing makes her happy.”) Language use is limited and detracts from the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several errors in conventions and mechanics are present in this essay. Problems with punctuation, grammar, and mechanics (“Ms.Markham is like a fish in a cave That’s related because she is the in the dark for a very long time and if she doesn't gets out of her unhappiness, she is going to get blind.“) question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A Midsummer Nights Dream

The book A Midsummer Nights Dream is abought love. A love that can never be seperated. Unless you have magic flower peadles and sqeez them in peoples eyes. This book teches you that love is blind and the course of love never did run smooth. The coarse of love never did run smooth, that is what lysander said when he decided to risk it all for love. Thesis could cut there heads off just for trying to leave his Athenean rule.

I think this is abook abought love and how it conquers all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. There is little semblance of a controlling idea (“The book A Midsummer Nights Dream is abought love.”), and there are no connections made between the story, the central idea, and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. The essay fails to develop any ideas or make references to the story. The author’s only attempt at developing an idea is too short, unclear, and irrelevant. (“A love that can never be seperated. Unless you have magic flower peadles and sqeez them in peoples eyes.”) The content isn’t meaningful or developed.

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. There are no clear introductory or concluding paragraphs. The body of the essay is only seven lines long, and the second attempt at a paragraph is only one sentence in length. Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques.

Language Use & Style

This author evidently has difficulty using language appropriately. Sentences and word choice are inadequate and incoherent. (“A love that can never be seperated. Unless you have magic flower peadles and sqeez them in peoples eyes.” and “The coarse of love never did run smooth, that is what lysander said when he decided to risk it all for love. Thesis could cut there heads off just for trying to leave his Athenean rule.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response , the author demonstrates a lack of ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“ peadles ”) , punctuation, and grammar (“ The book A Midsummer Nights Dream is abought love ”) are distracting to the reader.

Theme in Two Poems

Select two poems that we have read in class. Think about the themes expressed through the main ideas, key details, and language of each poem. Are there similar or opposing themes? Does each poet use similar styles and devices to convey the theme?

In a detailed essay, compare and contrast the themes of two poems. Include details on the overall message as well as how theme is developed through the story elements, main ideas, and figurative language. Use quotations from the poems to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two Poem Compare and Contrast

Langston Hughes and Gwendolyn Brooks both wrote poems that could have easily been translated to have the same theme. However, there are subtle hints dropped between the lines of the poems that show what Hughes's "Mother to Son" and Brooks's "A Little Girl's Poem" actually meant. Both poems result in the idea of motivation and struggling to get through the hardships of life without dying, but there are different messages, situations, and thoughts of the authors that we see in these poems.

In "Mother to Son", Langston Hughes conveys his message in a very western, uneducated tone of voice. His perspective in the poem is from a mother trying to tell her son that neither of them have any control over their pasts or their futures, and life will have its bumps in the road, but in the end it'll be alright, as long as they both keep trying. She tells her son, "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair", which means that her life wasn't glamour, wealth, and beauty. It was rough and dirty and often times made her want to cry, shown in the lines "It's had tacks in it, And splinters, And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor-Bare." The mother tells her son that as long as you don't look back and regret your entire life, you can get through this difficult time: "So, boy, don't you turn back. Don't you set down on the steps. 'Cause you find it's kinder hard. Don't you fall now". In addition, "Mother to Son" is also very vague about the crisis that the son is struggling with, and she sooths her son by telling him that this whole time she's been alive, it's because she's been fighting her way through, "a-climbin' on, And reaching landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark Where there ain't been no light." Through this metaphor, she teaches her son aobut her lifetime in the dark, and how after all this struggling, she's still climbing up those splintered wooden stairs. But her life does have its moments of shining glory, and that's what he has to look forward to if he keeps climbing up the stairs.

In contrast, "A Little Girl's Poem" tells the reader that even though life is "fire screaming up the sky" and "families killed in their doorways", life is something that belongs to them and only them, and they have the right to do whatever they want with it. It shows how the little girl is thinking that she deserves to be happy in her life because she did nothing wrong. Brooks uses the words "Life is for us, and is shining. We have the right to sing." and she uses the word sing as a reference to freedom, where life is theirs and it is as bright as they can imagine, and they should have the choice to make their own decisions and be happy, along with having freedom and no more pain. Additionally, unlike "Mother to Son", this poem actually does have a specific crisis at hand: war. Spoken in the poem is how Brooks feels about how bombs and guns are killing innocent men, women, and children, and battles are taking lives from the innocent at the front steps of their homes. The little girl in the poem believes that this war shouldn't be here, and it shouldn't be taking lives. The little girl believes that everyone deserves to be satisfied with their lives and smiling without pain. Brooks shares her thoughts by saying "I want the children to live and to laugh. I want them to sit with their mothers and fathers and have happy cocoa together." Brooks knows that there is a passion burning inside of her, wanting to be expressed through smiles and laughter, with the words "Life is for me and is shining! Inside me I feel stars and sun and bells singing." Brooks's poem explains how everyone deserves to be happy, and Hughes's poem speaks his mind about how he feels everyone should carry on through the pain.

Aside these two differences with the messages the poems convey, they both talk about how in this life, even children must bear the burden of life's hardships, and they must suffer through it if they want to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Both poems describe how life is hard and difficult, but with the motivation and determination, anyone and everyone can pull themselves out of the dark sadness they are submerged in. Both poems comfort the reader by subtly saying that everything will be okay because life tends to get better. Hughes says, "For I'se still goin', honey, I'se still climbin'," while Brooks says "Life is for us and is shining."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the narrators through a controlling/central idea.

The writer clearly communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selections. He/she clearly compares and contrasts the themes in the two selected poems. (“Langston Hughes and Gwendolyn Brooks both wrote poems that could have easily been translated to have the same theme. However, there are subtle hints dropped between the lines of the poems that show what Hughes's ‘Mother to Son’ and Brooks's ‘A Little Girl's Poem’ actually meant. Both poems result in the idea of motivation and struggling to get through the hardships of life without dying, but there are different messages, situations, and thoughts of the authors that we see in these poems.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In ‘Mother to Son’, Langston Hughes conveys his message in a very western, uneducated tone of voice. His perspective in the poem is from a mother trying to tell her son that neither of them have any control over their pasts or their futures, and life will have its bumps in the road, but in the end it'll be alright, as long as they both keep trying. She tells her son, ‘Life for me ain't been no crystal stair’, which means that her life wasn't glamour, wealth, and beauty. It was rough and dirty and often times made her want to cry, shown in the lines ‘It's had tacks in it, And splinters, And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor-Bare.’ The mother tells her son that as long as you don't look back and regret your entire life, you can get through this difficult time: ‘So, boy, don't you turn back. Don't you set down on the steps. ‘Cause you find it's kinder hard. Don't you fall now’.”)

The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Aside these two differences with the messages the poems convey, they both talk about how in this life, even children must bear the burden of life's hardships, and they must suffer through it if they want to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Both poems describe how life is hard and difficult, but with the motivation and determination, anyone and everyone can pull themselves out of the dark sadness they are submerged in. Both poems comfort the reader by subtly saying that everything will be okay because life tends to get better. Hughes says, ‘For I'se still goin', honey, I'se still climbin',’ while Brooks says ‘Life is for us and is shining.’”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence from the text, along with literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story. (“In addition, ‘Mother to Son’ is also very vague about the crisis that the son is struggling with, and she sooths her son by telling him that this whole time she's been alive, it's because she's been fighting her way through, ‘a-climbin' on, And reaching landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark Where there ain't been no light.’ Through this metaphor, she teaches her son aobut her lifetime in the dark, and how after all this struggling, she's still climbing up those splintered wooden stairs. But her life does have its moments of shining glory, and that's what he has to look forward to if he keeps climbing up the stairs.”)

The essay contains important details that include direct quotes and paraphrasing from the text. (“In contrast, ‘A Little Girl's Poem’ tells the reader that even though life is ‘fire screaming up the sky’ and ‘families killed in their doorways’, life is something that belongs to them and only them, and they have the right to do whatever they want with it. It shows how the little girl is thinking that she deserves to be happy in her life because she did nothing wrong. Brooks uses the words ‘Life is for us, and is shining. We have the right to sing.’ and she uses the word sing as a reference to freedom, where life is theirs and it is as bright as they can imagine, and they should have the choice to make their own decisions and be happy, along with having freedom and no more pain.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Additionally, unlike ‘Mother to Son’, this poem actually does have a specific crisis at hand: war. Spoken in the poem is how Brooks feels about how bombs and guns are killing innocent men, women, and children, and battles are taking lives from the innocent at the front steps of their homes. The little girl in the poem believes that this war shouldn't be here, and it shouldn't be taking lives. The little girl believes that everyone deserves to be satisfied with their lives and smiling without pain. Brooks shares her thoughts by saying ‘I want the children to live and to laugh. I want them to sit with their mothers and fathers and have happy cocoa together.’ Brooks knows that there is a passion burning inside of her, wanting to be expressed through smiles and laughter, with the words ‘Life is for me and is shining! Inside me I feel stars and sun and bells singing.’ Brooks's poem explains how everyone deserves to be happy, and Hughes's poem speaks his mind about how he feels everyone should carry on through the pain.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. He/she demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by identifying the poems that he/she selected for analysis and describing the main ideas of the poems. (“ Langston Hughes and Gwendolyn Brooks both wrote poems that could have easily been translated to have the same theme. However, there are subtle hints dropped between the lines of the poems that show what Hughes's ‘Mother to Son’ and Brooks's ‘A Little Girl's Poem’ actually meant. Both poems result in the idea of motivation and struggling to get through the hardships of life without dying, but there are different messages, situations, and thoughts of the authors that we see in these poems.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In contrast, ‘A Little Girl's Poem’ tells the reader that even though life is ‘fire screaming up the sky’ and ‘families killed in their doorways’, life is something that belongs to them and only them, and they have the right to do whatever they want with it. It shows how the little girl is thinking that she deserves to be happy in her life because she did nothing wrong. Brooks uses the words ‘Life is for us, and is shining. We have the right to sing.’ and she uses the word sing as a reference to freedom, where life is theirs and it is as bright as they can imagine, and they should have the choice to make their own decisions and be happy, along with having freedom and no more pain. Additionally, unlike ‘Mother to Son’, this poem actually does have a specific crisis at hand: war.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with an uplifting thought. (“ Aside these two differences with the messages the poems convey, they both talk about how in this life, even children must bear the burden of life's hardships, and they must suffer through it if they want to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Both poems describe how life is hard and difficult, but with the motivation and determination, anyone and everyone can pull themselves out of the dark sadness they are submerged in. Both poems comfort the reader by subtly saying that everything will be okay because life tends to get better. Hughes says, ‘For I'se still goin', honey, I'se still climbin',’ while Brooks says ‘Life is for us and is shining.’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the mother’s struggles in life illustrated by the metaphor about climbing a rough staircase. By the end of the poem “Mother to Son,” the readers understand the mother’s advice about facing adversity and persevering. (“ She tells her son, ‘Life for me ain't been no crystal stair’, which means that her life wasn't glamour, wealth, and beauty. It was rough and dirty and often times made her want to cry, shown in the lines ‘It's had tacks in it, And splinters, And boards torn up, And places with no carpet on the floor-Bare.’ The mother tells her son that as long as you don't look back and regret your entire life, you can get through this difficult time: ‘So, boy, don't you turn back. Don't you set down on the steps. 'Cause you find it's kinder hard. Don't you fall now’.”)

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the poem “A Little Girl's Poem,” such as references to unnecessary violence and how everyone deserves to live together in a peaceful world . (“ Additionally, unlike ‘Mother to Son’, this poem actually does have a specific crisis at hand: war. Spoken in the poem is how Brooks feels about how bombs and guns are killing innocent men, women, and children, and battles are taking lives from the innocent at the front steps of their homes. The little girl in the poem believes that this war shouldn't be here, and it shouldn't be taking lives. The little girl believes that everyone deserves to be satisfied with their lives and smiling without pain. Brooks shares her thoughts by saying ‘I want the children to live and to laugh. I want them to sit with their mothers and fathers and have happy cocoa together.’ Brooks knows that there is a passion burning inside of her, wanting to be expressed through smiles and laughter, with the words ‘Life is for me and is shining! Inside me I feel stars and sun and bells singing.’ Brooks's poem explains how everyone deserves to be happy, and Hughes's poem speaks his mind about how he feels everyone should carry on through the pain.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Aside these two differences with the messages the poems convey, they both talk about how in this life, even children must bear the burden of life's hardships, and they must suffer through it if they want to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Both poems describe how life is hard and difficult, but with the motivation and determination, anyone and everyone can pull themselves out of the dark sadness they are submerged in. Both poems comfort the reader by subtly saying that everything will be okay because life tends to get better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Langston Hughes and Gwendolyn Brooks both wrote poems that could have easily been translated to have the same theme. However, there are subtle hints dropped between the lines of the poems that show what Hughes's ‘Mother to Son’ and Brooks's ‘A Little Girl's Poem’ actually meant. Both poems result in the idea of motivation and struggling to get through the hardships of life without dying, but there are different messages, situations, and thoughts of the authors that we see in these poems.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Response to Literature

The two poems that I have selected to analyze are "Mother to Son," by Langston Hughes, and "Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward," by Gwendolyn Brooks. Between these two poems, they share many similarities together, but also have a few differences in their themes. The main idea in the two poems describe life. They have two different perspectives of life. It makes the word "life" have a significant meaning in the poem because that is the main idea that they describe and explain in the poem. Both of the poems also say to keep living on, through your hardships, through your good times, and don't give up. They both have a message like, "Keep on going, and always look up!" The similar theme is that they're both describing life and that their perspective is nearly the same. There isn't really any major, opposing themes going against each other. They do use similar styles. For example, they may put all of the bad things in front of the good things. First, they explain that "life isn't always good in the beginning," or like, "it was hard for me." Then, in the end, they give you an optimistic message to be persistent and to keep living on to convey their theme about life.

"Mother to Son" is a like a message from a mother describing her life and how it is to her son. She explains that her life was never perfect, or easy for her. For instance, "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair." This is a metaphor describing how her life had been for her, not an easy, fancy way that didn't have any troubles or difficulties. This means that life isn't always how you want it to be. It won't have an easy way to live without having to go through some struggles. Then, the poem lightens up a little saying, "But all the time I'se been a-climbin' on, And reachin' landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light." The mother has been persistent, still living on her hard life without giving up. She hasn't had a "crystal stair" in her life, yet she keeps living and going through all the bumpy roads in her life. Then, she tells her son, "So, boy, don't you turn back. Don't you set down on the steps. 'Cause you finds it's kinder hard. Don't you fall now- For I'se still climbin', And life for me ain't been no crystal stair." This ending is telling her son not to give up in life because his mother hasn't ever given up, and until now, she is still going through her hardships, going over her difficulties, and still living on her hard life.

"Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward" is an optimistic message that encourages the reader by telling them to face their troubles, and everyone who puts them down. There is one sentence that says, "Say to them... 'even if you are not ready for day it cannot always be night.'..." This sentence is also like a metaphor, and is a message like, "Even though you aren't ready for something coming your way, you still have to face it either way because you can't always hide and run away from it." I think that's what Gwendolyn Brooks meant when she said that. In the ending, Gwendolyn Brooks tells us to, "Live not for the battles won. Live not for the-end-of-the-song. Live in the along." To me, her sentence means not to live by your victories and not to live for the end, but to live for the middle of everything. I think that Gwendolyn thinks that the middle between everything in your life is better than your victories won, and the end of everything.

These two poems describe life as a hard path that are rocky and bumpy, and hard to go through. There will be struggles to reach one point in another area because a perfect, easy and relaxing road never exists. However, if you do get an easy road, then it's no fun, and there's not much worth to it when you live because you don't get the feeling of accomplishment or greatness once you finish something that has been so hard to you for years. A message that these two poems share together is simply, "Don't give up in life and be persistent." It'll be worth it, and someday you might even learn how to enjoy it and have fun. Going through all your struggles in life will give you a feeling of greatness, or a feeling that's really good because you've accomplished something so great. Surviving and living through them may actually be worth it because you can finally relax after all of it, then you can have fun and do whatever you want to do with no worries! Life is worth living for, and you should go through every bit of it to experience new things that you have never experienced before, and make your life worth it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay communicates the analysis of the prompt question and literary selections well. The writer is effective in this approach and maintains focus throughout the writing. (“The two poems that I have selected to analyze are ‘Mother to Son,’ by Langston Hughes, and ‘Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward,’ by Gwendolyn Brooks. Between these two poems, they share many similarities together, but also have a few differences in their themes. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea by including details about similar themes in the two poems. (“The main idea in the two poems describe life. They have two different perspectives of life. It makes the word ‘life’ have a significant meaning in the poem because that is the main idea that they describe and explain in the poem. Both of the poems also say to keep living on, through your hardships, through your good times, and don't give up. They both have a message like, ‘Keep on going, and always look up!’ The similar theme is that they're both describing life and that their perspective is nearly the same. ”)

The essay includes specific information that reveals the development of the themes of the poems through the narrators’ dialogue and ideas that connect the prompt question to the texts. (“‘ Mother to Son’ is a like a message from a mother describing her life and how it is to her son. She explains that her life was never perfect, or easy for her. For instance, ‘Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.’ This is a metaphor describing how her life had been for her, not an easy, fancy way that didn't have any troubles or difficulties. This means that life isn't always how you want it to be. It won't have an easy way to live without having to go through some struggles. Then, the poem lightens up a little saying, ‘But all the time I'se been a-climbin' on, And reachin' landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light.’ The mother has been persistent, still living on her hard life without giving up. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed and include a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The essay includes specific details, paraphrasing of dialogue, and direct quotes by the narrator. As well, the writer provides a clear interpretation of the poem “Mother to Son.” (“Then, the poem lightens up a little saying, ‘But all the time I'se been a-climbin' on, And reachin' landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light.’ The mother has been persistent, still living on her hard life without giving up. She hasn't had a ‘crystal stair’ in her life, yet she keeps living and going through all the bumpy roads in her life. Then, she tells her son, ‘So, boy, don't you turn back. Don't you set down on the steps. 'Cause you finds it's kinder hard. Don't you fall now- For I'se still climbin', And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.’ This ending is telling her son not to give up in life because his mother hasn't ever given up, and until now, she is still going through her hardships, going over her difficulties, and still living on her hard life. ”)

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the poem, including interpretations of the metaphors in the poem. For instance, he/she discusses the author’s meaning of “day” and “night.” (“'Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward’ is an optimistic message that encourages the reader by telling them to face their troubles, and everyone who puts them down. There is one sentence that says, ‘Say to them... 'even if you are not ready for day it cannot always be night.'...’ This sentence is also like a metaphor, and is a message like, ‘Even though you aren't ready for something coming your way, you still have to face it either way because you can't always hide and run away from it.’ I think that's what Gwendolyn Brooks meant when she said that. In the ending, Gwendolyn Brooks tells us to, ‘Live not for the battles won. Live not for the-end-of-the-song. Live in the along.’ To me, her sentence means not to live by your victories and not to live for the end, but to live for the middle of everything. I think that Gwendolyn thinks that the middle between everything in your life is better than your victories won, and the end of everything.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“'Mother to Son’ is a like a message from a mother describing her life and how it is to her son. She explains that her life was never perfect, or easy for her. For instance, ‘Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.’ This is a metaphor describing how her life had been for her, not an easy, fancy way that didn't have any troubles or difficulties. This means that life isn't always how you want it to be. It won't have an easy way to live without having to go through some struggles.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay and previews the main points. (“The two poems that I have selected to analyze are ‘Mother to Son,’ by Langston Hughes, and ‘Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward,’ by Gwendolyn Brooks. Between these two poems, they share many similarities together, but also have a few differences in their themes. The main idea in the two poems describe life. They have two different perspectives of life. It makes the word ‘life’ have a significant meaning in the poem because that is the main idea that they describe and explain in the poem. Both of the poems also say to keep living on, through your hardships, through your good times, and don't give up. They both have a message like, ‘Keep on going, and always look up!’ The similar theme is that they're both describing life and that their perspective is nearly the same. There isn't really any major, opposing themes going against each other. They do use similar styles. For example, they may put all of the bad things in front of the good things. First, they explain that ‘life isn't always good in the beginning,’ or like, ‘it was hard for me.’ Then, in the end, they give you an optimistic message to be persistent and to keep living on to convey their theme about life. ”)

Subtle transitions are used within paragraphs, but the writer should employ additional transitional devices to effectively connect ideas between paragraphs. (“ In the ending, Gwendolyn Brooks tells us to, ‘Live not for the battles won. Live not for the-end-of-the-song. Live in the along.’ To me, her sentence means not to live by your victories and not to live for the end, but to live for the middle of everything. I think that Gwendolyn thinks that the middle between everything in your life is better than your victories won, and the end of everything. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion by summarizing the themes of the poems and leaving the readers with a sense of closure. (“These two poems describe life as a hard path that are rocky and bumpy, and hard to go through. There will be struggles to reach one point in another area because a perfect, easy and relaxing road never exists. However, if you do get an easy road, then it's no fun, and there's not much worth to it when you live because you don't get the feeling of accomplishment or greatness once you finish something that has been so hard to you for years. A message that these two poems share together is simply, ‘Don't give up in life and be persistent.’ It'll be worth it, and someday you might even learn how to enjoy it and have fun. Going through all your struggles in life will give you a feeling of greatness, or a feeling that's really good because you've accomplished something so great. Surviving and living through them may actually be worth it because you can finally relax after all of it, then you can have fun and do whatever you want to do with no worries! Life is worth living for, and you should go through every bit of it to experience new things that you have never experienced before, and make your life worth it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“For instance, ‘Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.’ This is a metaphor describing how her life had been for her, not an easy, fancy way that didn't have any troubles or difficulties. This means that life isn't always how you want it to be. It won't have an easy way to live without having to go through some struggles. Then, the poem lightens up a little saying, ‘But all the time I'se been a-climbin' on, And reachin' landin's, And turnin' corners, And sometimes goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light.’ The mother has been persistent, still living on her hard life without giving up.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ ‘Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward’ is an optimistic message that encourages the reader by telling them to face their troubles, and everyone who puts them down. There is one sentence that says, ‘Say to them... 'even if you are not ready for day it cannot always be night.'...’ This sentence is also like a metaphor, and is a message like, ‘Even though you aren't ready for something coming your way, you still have to face it either way because you can't always hide and run away from it.’ I think that's what Gwendolyn Brooks meant when she said that. In the ending, Gwendolyn Brooks tells us to, ‘Live not for the battles won. Live not for the-end-of-the-song. Live in the along.’ To me, her sentence means not to live by your victories and not to live for the end, but to live for the middle of everything. I think that Gwendolyn thinks that the middle between everything in your life is better than your victories won, and the end of everything. ”)

Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentence structures are used effectively. (“ There will be struggles to reach one point in another area because a perfect, easy and relaxing road never exists. However, if you do get an easy road, then it's no fun, and there's not much worth to it when you live because you don't get the feeling of accomplishment or greatness once you finish something that has been so hard to you for years. A message that these two poems share together is simply, ‘Don't give up in life and be persistent.’ It'll be worth it, and someday you might even learn how to enjoy it and have fun. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ The two poems that I have selected to analyze are ‘Mother to Son,’ by Langston Hughes, and ‘Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward,’ by Gwendolyn Brooks. Between these two poems, they share many similarities together, but also have a few differences in their themes. The main idea in the two poems describe life. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How does an elevator relate to broken dreams? Langston Hughes and Lucille Clifton answer this question in their poems, "Dreams Deferred" and "Elevator," in which, due to bad circumstances, Lucille Clifton is trapped in an elevator and feels like her dreams have been deferred.

Both of these poems show similar themes in them: that dreams are not being achieved. Two lines that show this are "What happens to a dream deferred?" and "Stuck between floors again." The lines both suggest that a dream is hanging there but is not being achieved. Perhaps, since the deferred dream is not being achieved, then stuck between floors can also mean stuck in life. Another similarity is that since the dream has not been completed the dreams have been covered up. Two lines that show this are "... Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet?" and "In the corner, where I crouch, safe, reading." If something crusts or sugars over, then that means it has been buried, and if you do not achieve your dream, you might just sit and wait for something to happen. So, if you just sit in the corner, then you may have buried your dream.

However, the poems are different in some ways. For example, a line in elevator suggests hope, but Dreams Deferred is negative. ("... Waiting to start moving up again" and "Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?") When I read the poem I felt like that in Elevator, the girl is waiting and hoping to move up again in the elevator and in life. Dreams Deferred has a tone that makes it seem that if you do not achieve your dream you might lose it. Yet another difference is in these two lines: "Or does it explode?" "So the world is more than this elevator." The sentences prove that the girl cannot move up in life, or achieve her dreams, because she is trapped in the project where she lives. On the other hand, Dreams Deferred has no explanation why the dream has been ignored.

So, both poems have dreams that are being ignored and the idea that the dreams are buried away. The poems have two differences as well: one poem is hopeful while the other is negative, and that one has a reason for the dream not being carried out and the other does not. Despite their similarities and differences, these poems are written by two great authors who have the same idea: carry out your dreams.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selections. The writer selects quotes from the poems "Dreams Deferred" and "Elevator," and he/she provides adequate interpretation that leads to his/her conclusions. (“Both of these poems show similar themes in them: that dreams are not being achieved. Two lines that show this are ‘What happens to a dream deferred?’ and ‘Stuck between floors again.’ The lines both suggest that a dream is hanging there but is not being achieved. Perhaps, since the deferred dream is not being achieved, then stuck between floors can also mean stuck in life.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer interprets several lines from each poem in order to compare the themes. (“Another similarity is that since the dream has not been completed the dreams have been covered up. Two lines that show this are ‘... Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet?’ and ‘In the corner, where I crouch, safe, reading.’ If something crusts or sugars over, then that means it has been buried, and if you do not achieve your dream, you might just sit and wait for something to happen. So, if you just sit in the corner, then you may have buried your dream.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Dreams Deferred has a tone that makes it seem that if you do not achieve your dream you might lose it. Yet another difference is in these two lines: ‘Or does it explode?’ ‘So the world is more than this elevator.’ The sentences prove that the girl cannot move up in life, or achieve her dreams, because she is trapped in the project where she lives. On the other hand, Dreams Deferred has no explanation why the dream has been ignored.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“Both of these poems show similar themes in them: that dreams are not being achieved. Two lines that show this are ‘What happens to a dream deferred?’ and ‘Stuck between floors again.’ The lines both suggest that a dream is hanging there but is not being achieved. Perhaps, since the deferred dream is not being achieved, then stuck between floors can also mean stuck in life.”)

The essay includes quotations from the poems to support the writer’s ideas. (“Another similarity is that since the dream has not been completed the dreams have been covered up. Two lines that show this are ‘... Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet?’ and ‘In the corner, where I crouch, safe, reading.’ If something crusts or sugars over, then that means it has been buried, and if you do not achieve your dream, you might just sit and wait for something to happen. So, if you just sit in the corner, then you may have buried your dream.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“However, the poems are different in some ways. For example, a line in elevator suggests hope, but Dreams Deferred is negative. (‘... Waiting to start moving up again’ and ‘Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’) When I read the poem I felt like that in Elevator, the girl is waiting and hoping to move up again in the elevator and in life. Dreams Deferred has a tone that makes it seem that if you do not achieve your dream you might lose it.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Also, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ How does an elevator relate to broken dreams? Langston Hughes and Lucille Clifton answer this question in their poems, ‘Dreams Deferred’ and ‘Elevator,’ in which, due to bad circumstances, Lucille Clifton is trapped in an elevator and feels like her dreams have been deferred.”)

The writer employs subtle transitions between sentences and between paragraphs. T ransitional devices help to adequately connect ideas. (“ However, the poems are different in some ways. For example, a line in elevator suggests hope, but Dreams Deferred is negative. (‘... Waiting to start moving up again’ and ‘Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’) When I read the poem I felt like that in Elevator, the girl is waiting and hoping to move up again in the elevator and in life. Dreams Deferred has a tone that makes it seem that if you do not achieve your dream you might lose it. Yet another difference is in these two lines: ‘Or does it explode?’ ‘So the world is more than this elevator.’ The sentences prove that the girl cannot move up in life, or achieve her dreams, because she is trapped in the project where she lives. On the other hand, Dreams Deferred has no explanation why the dream has been ignored.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ So, both poems have dreams that are being ignored and the idea that the dreams are buried away. The poems have two differences as well: one poem is hopeful while the other is negative, and that one has a reason for the dream not being carried out and the other does not. Despite their similarities and differences, these poems are written by two great authors who have the same idea: carry out your dreams. ”)

Language Use & Style

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Two lines that show this are ‘What happens to a dream deferred?’ and ‘Stuck between floors again.’ The lines both suggest that a dream is hanging there but is not being achieved. Perhaps, since the deferred dream is not being achieved, then stuck between floors can also mean stuck in life.”)

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ However, the poems are different in some ways. For example, a line in elevator suggests hope, but Dreams Deferred is negative. (‘... Waiting to start moving up again’ and ‘Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’) When I read the poem I felt like that in Elevator, the girl is waiting and hoping to move up again in the elevator and in life. Dreams Deferred has a tone that makes it seem that if you do not achieve your dream you might lose it. Yet another difference is in these two lines: ‘Or does it explode?’ ‘So the world is more than this elevator.’ The sentences prove that the girl cannot move up in life, or achieve her dreams, because she is trapped in the project where she lives. On the other hand, Dreams Deferred has no explanation why the dream has been ignored.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes about how the themes in the two poems compare and contrast. (“ So, both poems have dreams that are being ignored and the idea that the dreams are buried away. The poems have two differences as well: one poem is hopeful while the other is negative, and that one has a reason for the dream not being carried out and the other does not. Despite their similarities and differences, these poems are written by two great authors who have the same idea: carry out your dreams. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ How does an elevator relate to broken dreams? Langston Hughes and Lucille Clifton answer this question in their poems, ‘Dreams Deferred’ and ‘Elevator,’ in which, due to bad circumstances, Lucille Clifton is trapped in an elevator and feels like her dreams have been deferred.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The two poems had very similar themes which was that it is important to hold on to dreams, or they could stop and die and have an impact on your life. In the poem "Harlem 2" by Langston Hughes, it stated how a dream that has been deffered would be like. Similar, the poem "Dreams" also buy Langston Hughes, was about holding on to a dream, and what could happen if you let go and killed it. Both poems give examples of how the dream may end up.

These two poems explain ways a dream could end up if it died or was stopped. In "Harlem 2" Hughes says, "What happens to a dream deffered? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--" This quote is similar to what he said in "Dreams" on the line, "For if dreams die, Life is like a broken-winged bird That cannot fly." They both state how if a dream were to become stopped and let go, the dream would become broken and lifeless like a dried rasin. Maybe perhaps the author meant it that the dream could come back because a sore could always heal and the wing would soon be able to be fixed back up again. These two poems are similar in the way that they say how a dream could lead your life unhappy and broken if they are not fulfilled.

The poems do have a few differences though in how they view their dreams. "Dreams" says how when a dream goes, it leaves you empty and cold. "For when dreams go Life is like a barren field Frozen with snow." In the poem "Harlem 2", Langston Hughes says, "Maybe it just sags like a heavy load." I think these two quotes have different meanings."Dreams" says how a dream gone leaves you like a barren field and in "Harlem 2", the line states how a dream deffered is like a sagging, heavy load that will stay with you. These two are sort of like opposites in the fact that one says how a dead dream leaves you barren and the other poem says how feels like a heavy load. Also, the poem "Harlem 2" states the topic as a question, unlike the other poem that goes straight into it.

These two poems are very similar with themes that are alike. They both express how the outcome of a dream may be like and what they could do to your life. "Harlem 2" and "Dreams" had points in the poem that were alike, but they did have different meanings on some of the lines. Overall, the theme conveyed by the author in both stories were close to the exact same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay includes only a limited central/controlling idea. The writer's controlling idea fails to mention that contrasting themes will be included in the essay. (“The two poems had very similar themes which was that it is important to hold on to dreams, or they could stop and die and have an impact on your life.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the themes of the poems. (“These two poems explain ways a dream could end up if it died or was stopped. In ‘Harlem 2’ Hughes says, ‘What happens to a dream deffered? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--’ This quote is similar to what he said in ‘Dreams’ on the line, ‘For if dreams die, Life is like a broken-winged bird That cannot fly.’ They both state how if a dream were to become stopped and let go, the dream would become broken and lifeless like a dried rasin. Maybe perhaps the author meant it that the dream could come back because a sore could always heal and the wing would soon be able to be fixed back up again. These two poems are similar in the way that they say how a dream could lead your life unhappy and broken if they are not fulfilled.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By explaining a line from each poem, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. The writer fails to adequately contrast the themes from the two poems and simply repeats the meaning of individual lines. (“The poems do have a few differences though in how they view their dreams. ‘Dreams’ says how when a dream goes, it leaves you empty and cold. ‘For when dreams go Life is like a barren field Frozen with snow.’ In the poem ‘Harlem 2’, Langston Hughes says, ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.’ I think these two quotes have different meanings.‘Dreams’ says how a dream gone leaves you like a barren field and in ‘Harlem 2’, the line states how a dream deffered is like a sagging, heavy load that will stay with you. These two are sort of like opposites in the fact that one says how a dead dream leaves you barren and the other poem says how feels like a heavy load.”)

Content & Development

The content and the development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“These two poems explain ways a dream could end up if it died or was stopped. In ‘Harlem 2’ Hughes says, ‘What happens to a dream deffered? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--’ This quote is similar to what he said in ‘Dreams’ on the line, ‘For if dreams die, Life is like a broken-winged bird That cannot fly.’ They both state how if a dream were to become stopped and let go, the dream would become broken and lifeless like a dried rasin. Maybe perhaps the author meant it that the dream could come back because a sore could always heal and the wing would soon be able to be fixed back up again. These two poems are similar in the way that they say how a dream could lead your life unhappy and broken if they are not fulfilled.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“‘Dreams’ says how when a dream goes, it leaves you empty and cold. ‘For when dreams go Life is like a barren field Frozen with snow.’ In the poem ‘Harlem 2’, Langston Hughes says, ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.’ I think these two quotes have different meanings.’Dreams’ says how a dream gone leaves you like a barren field and in ‘Harlem 2’, the line states how a dream deffered is like a sagging, heavy load that will stay with you.”)

The essay includes few details that highlight specific information about the theme; subsequently, the ideas in the essay connect the prompt task to the poems in a limited way. (“These two are sort of like opposites in the fact that one says how a dead dream leaves you barren and the other poem says how feels like a heavy load. Also, the poem ‘Harlem 2’ states the topic as a question, unlike the other poem that goes straight into it.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and displays use of transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The two poems had very similar themes which was that it is important to hold on to dreams, or they could stop and die and have an impact on your life. In the poem ‘Harlem 2’ by Langston Hughes, it stated how a dream that has been deffered would be like. Similar, the poem ‘Dreams’ also buy Langston Hughes, was about holding on to a dream, and what could happen if you let go and killed it. Both poems give examples of how the dream may end up. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) in the essay would help the writing move from one main idea to the next. (“ The poems do have a few differences though in how they view their dreams. ‘Dreams’ says how when a dream goes, it leaves you empty and cold. ‘For when dreams go Life is like a barren field Frozen with snow.’ In the poem ‘Harlem 2’, Langston Hughes says, ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.’ I think these two quotes have different meanings.‘Dreams’ says how a dream gone leaves you like a barren field and in ‘Harlem 2’, the line states how a dream deffered is like a sagging, heavy load that will stay with you. ”)

The conclusion only vaguely summarizes the points about theme; as the analysis draws to a close, the writer’s message remains unclear. (“ These two poems are very similar with themes that are alike. They both express how the outcome of a dream may be like and what they could do to your life. ‘Harlem 2’ and ‘Dreams’ had points in the poem that were alike, but they did have different meanings on some of the lines. Overall, the theme conveyed by the author in both stories were close to the exact same. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, and the writer relies on using simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay. (“ The two poems had very similar themes which was that it is important to hold on to dreams, or they could stop and die and have an impact on your life. In the poem ‘Harlem 2’ by Langston Hughes, it stated how a dream that has been deffered would be like. ”)

Some sentences in the essay are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ These two are sort of like opposites in the fact that one says how a dead dream leaves you barren and the other poem says how feels like a heavy load.”)

The writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices to describe how the theme is developed in the two poems. (“ The two poems had very similar themes which was that it is important to hold on to dreams, or they could stop and die and have an impact on your life. In the poem ‘Harlem 2’ by Langston Hughes, it stated how a dream that has been deffered would be like. Similar, the poem ‘Dreams’ also buy Langston Hughes, was about holding on to a dream, and what could happen if you let go and killed it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“ They both state how if a dream were to become stopped and let go, the dream would become broken and lifeless like a dried rasin. Maybe perhaps the author meant it that the dream could come back because a sore could always heal and the wing would soon be able to be fixed back up again. These two poems are similar in the way that they say how a dream could lead your life unhappy and broken if they are not fulfilled. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Both of my poems are Tell Me is by Shel Silverstein and I'm Nobody! Who are you? is by Emily Dickinson These poems are both about people and how they are.

Tell Me is about how someone wants to be perfect, but no one is perfect. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is about how a person is telling the costs of being a nobody and being popular. Most of both poems have the same meaning, because there about people are as a person. Tell Me is a poem about someone wanted to be popular but wants to know is she actully is.

Both of these poems have differences too. Tell Me is wanting some person to maybe lie or say the truth about that person. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is some person saying whats its like to be popular or a nobody. Tell Me's narator has too much self-confidence while I'm Nobody! Who are you?'s narator is talking about you can have too much self-confidence to be popular or you can have limited self-confidence and be a nobody. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is talking about two types of people, popular, and a nobody. Tell Me is only talking about a popular person. A nobody is a person that doesn't want attention, doesn't want to be out there and they don't want to come out of their shell. A popular person wants to atract attention and wants everyone to know who they are.

I'm Nobody! Who are you? and Tell Me have many similarites and differences as you can see, but they both have the same concept. They both have popularity but I'm Nobody! Who are you? has what most people are, a nobody.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling/central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the names of the poems to be discussed but fails to mention that the essay will compare and contrast their themes. (“Both of my poems are Tell Me is by Shel Silverstein and I'm Nobody! Who are you? is by Emily Dickinson These poems are both about people and how they are.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas for comparing the themes of the two poems. (“Tell Me is about how someone wants to be perfect, but no one is perfect. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is about how a person is telling the costs of being a nobody and being popular. Most of both poems have the same meaning, because there about people are as a person. Tell Me is a poem about someone wanted to be popular but wants to know is she actully is.”)

The writer uses minimal and confusing details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ Both of these poems have differences too. Tell Me is wanting some person to maybe lie or say the truth about that person. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is some person saying whats its like to be popular or a nobody. Tell Me's narator has too much self-confidence while I'm Nobody! Who are you?'s narator is talking about you can have too much self-confidence to be popular or you can have limited self-confidence and be a nobody.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the characters and thematic ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer attempts to address the prompt task by describing the characters, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the themes and how they compare/contrast. (“I'm Nobody! Who are you? is talking about two types of people, popular, and a nobody. Tell Me is only talking about a popular person. A nobody is a person that doesn't want attention, doesn't want to be out there and they don't want to come out of their shell. A popular person wants to atract attention and wants everyone to know who they are.”)

Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. The topic sentence for this paragraph should discuss the similarities between the themes of the selected poems. (“Tell Me is about how someone wants to be perfect, but no one is perfect. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is about how a person is telling the costs of being a nobody and being popular. Most of both poems have the same meaning, because there about people are as a person. Tell Me is a poem about someone wanted to be popular but wants to know is she actully is.”)

Details (quotes, examples, or explanations from the text) are not used effectively as evidence to explain and illustrate the themes. (“I'm Nobody! Who are you? is talking about two types of people, popular, and a nobody. Tell Me is only talking about a popular person. A nobody is a person that doesn't want attention, doesn't want to be out there and they don't want to come out of their shell. A popular person wants to atract attention and wants everyone to know who they are.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Both of my poems are Tell Me is by Shel Silverstein and I'm Nobody! Who are you? is by Emily Dickinson These poems are both about people and how they are.”)

Transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. Transition words like “similarly” and “in contrast” can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“Both of these poems have differences too. Tell Me is wanting some person to maybe lie or say the truth about that person. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is some person saying whats its like to be popular or a nobody. Tell Me's narator has too much self-confidence while I'm Nobody! Who are you?'s narator is talking about you can have too much self-confidence to be popular or you can have limited self-confidence and be a nobody.”)

The writer attempts to include a conclusion that summarizes the purpose of the essay, but it does not encourage readers to think about the authors’ meaning. (“ I'm Nobody! Who are you? and Tell Me have many similarites and differences as you can see, but they both have the same concept. They both have popularity but I'm Nobody! Who are you? has what most people are, a nobody. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer uses awkward sentence structure. (“ Both of my poems are Tell Me is by Shel Silverstein and I'm Nobody! Who are you? is by Emily Dickinson These poems are both about people and how they are.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ Most of both poems have the same meaning, because there about people are as a person. Tell Me is a poem about someone wanted to be popular but wants to know is she actully is.”)

There is repetition in the essay that affects the writer’s style and voice. (“ I'm Nobody! Who are you? is some person saying whats its like to be popular or a nobody. Tell Me's narator has too much self-confidence while I'm Nobody! Who are you?'s narator is talking about you can have too much self-confidence to be popular or you can have limited self-confidence and be a nobody. I'm Nobody! Who are you? is talking about two types of people, popular, and a nobody. Tell Me is only talking about a popular person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. In particular, using quotation marks around the poem titles would improve the readers’ ability to understand the essay. (“ Tell Me's narator has too much self-confidence while I'm Nobody! Who are you?'s narator is talking about you can have too much self-confidence to be popular or you can have limited self-confidence and be a nobody. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth. And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,'' Please tell me the truth i need to know''. So the girl is mostly saying to tell her the truth of what she is saying and if you tell her the truth she might feel better because she won't know unless someone tells her. I think what she is saying is that people sometimes juge her and she really wants to know the truth of what she is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine which themes the writer is comparing and contrasting from the two poems. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth.”)

The essay includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the events, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,’ Please tell me the truth i need to know’.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“So the girl is mostly saying to tell her the truth of what she is saying and if you tell her the truth she might feel better because she won't know unless someone tells her.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and it uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the poem selections.

The writer uses inadequate details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the events or characters, or quotations from the poems. The writer attempts to address the theme of the poem “Tell Me” but does not discuss the theme of “Genius” at all. Additionally, the writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth.”)

Details from the poem are not used to explain and illustrate the theme. (“And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,’ Please tell me the truth i need to know’.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas presented in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth. And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,’ Please tell me the truth i need to know’. So the girl is mostly saying to tell her the truth of what she is saying and if you tell her the truth she might feel better because she won't know unless someone tells her. I think what she is saying is that people sometimes juge her and she really wants to know the truth of what she is.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,’ Please tell me the truth i need to know’.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) in the essay would help the writer move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ I think what she is saying is that people sometimes juge her and she really wants to know the truth of what she is.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth.”)

The essay contains repetition and does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ And she was scared because she did not know what the person would have said to her so she was scared because she thought they were going to say no or something really bad so she said,’ Please tell me the truth i need to know’.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are seemingly unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ So the girl is mostly saying to tell her the truth of what she is saying and if you tell her the truth she might feel better because she won't know unless someone tells her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Well, the poem Tell 'me' and Genius are interesting because for poem 1 She dose not know what she is because she can not look at her self and inside of her she wants to find out what she is so she tells someone what she is and ask them to tell me the truth.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Transformation of Kino in The Pearl

Most characters experience significant transformation throughout the course of a story. Sometimes characters change for the better, and sometimes they change for the worse. How do you think Kino changed throughout the novel The Pearl ? Did his character make positive or negative changes?

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe Kino's change over time in the novel The Pearl . Be sure to use examples from the text, including quotes, to support your description.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

As Kino broke open the oddly-sized oyster and gazed at the pearl that was embedded in the soft, pink flesh, his greed and obsession soon started to grow into what would later overtake his soul. The Pearl by John Steinbeck tells of a young native pearl diver, Kino, who finds an enormous pearl, but does not realize the dangers it has in store for him. Kino began the story as a kind caring man and has a son who was stung by a scorpion. When he finds the "pearl of the world," it causes events which change his personality and mind. Because of his greed, it led to his beloved son being shot in the head. Kino finally threw the evil pearl away after his loss. Though he had changed for the worse and would never become the way he was before the pearl was found, he realized what he had done wrong. From beginning to end, he went from being kind and caring, to becoming insane and paranoid, and finally becoming regretful and learning his lesson.

In the beginning of the book, Kino is completely content with his life described by, "Kino sighed with satisfaction" (Pg. 4). Though his son was poisoned, he was still kind and caring towards everyone. "His eyes were shining with excitement" (Pg. 18) displays his eagerness to find the pearl he thought he saw. Kino believed that if he found a large pearl, it would help his family, but in reality, it only hurt them. "Electric strength had come to him now the horizons were kicked out" (Pg. 25) portrayed Kino's hopefulness and his confidence that he would succeed. His belief that he was prepared for the treacherous road ahead was described on page 29 where it says, "Kino was afraid of plans, but having made one, he could never destroy it. And to meet the attack, Kino was already making a hard skin for himself against the world." Subsequently, his transformation into a worse person begins with "Kino felt the rage and hatred melt toward fear." (Pg. 30) when he begins to feel insecure about his thoughts and wonders if he may be wrong.

By the middle of the story, Kino is in the center of his drastic change in attitude. When the doctor knew Coyotito would be sick, "He was hard and suspicious as he was remembering the white powder." (Pg. 33) Kino no longer trusts the people around him and is exceedingly alert and aware of his surroundings. Furthermore, his suspicions become his paranoid sense that someone would make an attempt to pilfer the pearl from his collection of few possessions of little value. When Juana asks, "Who do you fear?" he replies "Everyone" which proves the point that he is suspicious of everyone around him including those he used to trust. Though Juana seriously requests that Kino dispose of the malevolent pearl, he refused and said Coyotito must "break out of the pot that holds us in." (Pg. 39) It is questionable why he chose to keep the pearl. Even though he said it was for his family, it may have just been for greed since it caused his family more harm than good. The villagers said, "Kino was a well liked man; it would be a shame if the pearl destroyed him" (Pg. 43) because they have seen it happen numerous times in the past and knew what the greed could cause. Most likely, they began expecting a lot and were let down. Subsequently, Kino is beginning to want even more money. The offer of 1500 pesos he declined in fury and said he was upset at the low price. "'I am cheated,'" cried Kino fiercely" (Pg. 52) even though 1500 was more than he had ever had. The stubbornness and need to maintain possession of the pearl is described by the dramatic part where Kino bitterly says, "I will fight this thing. I will win over it. We will have our chance." (Pg. 57) Juana was trying to preserve the life she had maintained over the years by throwing away the pearl. Shockingly, Kino "struck her face with his clenched fist." (Pg. 59) This was one of the most unequivocal examples of the change in his state of mind. Somehow, after everything, it still seems as though he genuinely believes that keeping the "Pearl of the World" is the best idea for the well-being of his family.

Toward the end of the story, Kino’s personality is the most paranoid and short-tempered. When he was attacking, “He was an animal now, for hiding, for attacking, and he lived only to preserve himself and his family." (Pg. 62) Self-control had also vanished from his mind, replaced by his anger and fear. "Kino was a terrible machine now." (Pg. 86) He was compared to a machine because he had no mercy or sympathy. He forgot all about his precautions and just let his instinct guide him in killing. Kino's strange mental and emotional attachment to the pearl is even more distinct when he says, "It is my misfortune and my life and I will keep it," (Pg. 66) and "If I give it up, I shall lose my soul." (Pg. 67) It must mean quite a lot to him if he describes it as part of his soul. Also in this section of the story, Kino starts to feel a bit scared and suspicious. Kino's paranoid feeling and fears are confirmed when he looks into the pearl to find his wife beaten, his rifle killing someone, and his son sick and feverish. Moreover, the readers can see that he is nervous from the part where it says, "He was uneasy and nervous; he looked over his shoulder." (Pg. 73) Not only has his trusting personality cease to exist, so did his self-confidence. "He shrugged his shoulders helplessly." (Pg. 78) when he was at a loss of what to do. The last stage of Kino's transformation is when he feels a wave of sorrow and regret. "He saw Coyotito lying in the little cave with the top of his head shot away" (Pg. 89) and he instantly knows that he was wrong. The end of this horrendous change ended with Kino calming down after the overwhelming, appalling death of his dear son.

As you can see, Kino went from being an amiable, compassionate person to being a greedy, paranoid man. Even though he learned his lesson at the cost of his son's life, he cannot return to the same person he was before they found the pernicious pearl that destroyed his life. The Pearl shows how the powerful influence of greed can change someone's life forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. Evidence from the text supports the writer’s observation of Kino’s changing behavior. (“When the doctor knew Coyotito would be sick, ‘He was hard and suspicious as he was remembering the white powder.’ [Pg. 33] Kino no longer trusts the people around him and is exceedingly alert and aware of his surroundings. Furthermore, his suspicions become his paranoid sense that someone would make an attempt to pilfer the pearl from his collection of few possessions of little value. When Juana asks, ‘Who do you fear?’ he replies ‘Everyone’ which proves the point that he is suspicious of everyone around him including those he used to trust.”)

The essay clearly responds to the prompt task by focusing on the analysis of Kino’s character. The connections between Kino’s thoughts and actions very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“Kino's paranoid feeling and fears are confirmed when he looks into the pearl to find his wife beaten, his rifle killing someone, and his son sick and feverish. Moreover, the readers can see that he is nervous from the part where it says, ‘He was uneasy and nervous; he looked over his shoulder.’ [Pg. 73] Not only has his trusting personality cease to exist, so did his self-confidence. ‘He shrugged his shoulders helplessly.’ [Pg. 78] when he was at a loss of what to do. The last stage of Kino's transformation is when he feels a wave of sorrow and regret. ‘He saw Coyotito lying in the little cave with the top of his head shot away’ [Pg. 89] and he instantly knows that he was wrong.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ From beginning to end, he went from being kind and caring, to becoming insane and paranoid, and finally becoming regretful and learning his lesson.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, Kino’s seduction by unexpected wealth. Specific information about the character’s state of mind is provided. (“Kino's strange mental and emotional attachment to the pearl is even more distinct when he says, ‘It is my misfortune and my life and I will keep it,’ [Pg. 66] and ‘If I give it up, I shall lose my soul.’ [Pg. 67] It must mean quite a lot to him if he describes it as part of his soul.”)

The writer includes important details that highlight specific information about the character, setting, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The essay provides a view of Kino from the perspective of other characters. (“It is questionable why he chose to keep the pearl. Even though he said it was for his family, it may have just been for greed since it caused his family more harm than good. The villagers said, ‘Kino was a well liked man; it would be a shame if the pearl destroyed him’ [Pg. 43] because they have seen it happen numerous times in the past and knew what the greed could cause. Most likely, they began expecting a lot and were let down.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. Relevant details describe Kino’s life before and after the discovery of “the pearl of the world.” (“In the beginning of the book, Kino is completely content with his life described by, ‘Kino sighed with satisfaction’ [Pg. 4]. Though his son was poisoned, he was still kind and caring towards everyone. ‘His eyes were shining with excitement’ [Pg. 18] displays his eagerness to find the pearl he thought he saw. Kino believed that if he found a large pearl, it would help his family, but in reality, it only hurt them. ‘Electric strength had come to him now the horizons were kicked out’ [Pg. 25] portrayed Kino's hopefulness and his confidence that he would succeed.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing a scene from the story and foreshadowing the dangers to come in the story. The writer continues with a synopsis of the story’s plot. (“ As Kino broke open the oddly-sized oyster and gazed at the pearl that was embedded in the soft, pink flesh, his greed and obsession soon started to grow into what would later overtake his soul. The Pearl by John Steinbeck tells of a young native pearl diver, Kino, who finds an enormous pearl, but does not realize the dangers it has in store for him. Kino began the story as a kind caring man and has a son who was stung by a scorpion. When he finds the ‘pearl of the world,’ it causes events which change his personality and mind. Because of his greed, it led to his beloved son being shot in the head. Kino finally threw the evil pearl away after his loss. Though he had changed for the worse and would never become the way he was before the pearl was found, he realized what he had done wrong.”)

Transitions between paragraphs and between sentences effectively highlight the chronological organization of the essay. (“ Toward the end of the story, Kino’s personality is the most paranoid and short-tempered. When he was attacking, ‘He was an animal now, for hiding, for attacking, and he lived only to preserve himself and his family.’ [Pg. 62]”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that sums up the changes in Kino’s character throughout the story. The writer leaves the readers with a lesson to think about: the unexpected consequences of ambition and greed. (“ As you can see, Kino went from being an amiable, compassionate person to being a greedy, paranoid man. Even though he learned his lesson at the cost of his son's life, he cannot return to the same person he was before they found the pernicious pearl that destroyed his life. The Pearl shows how the powerful influence of greed can change someone's life forever.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that impact Kino’s decision to keep the pearl. (“ Subsequently, Kino is beginning to want even more money. The offer of 1500 pesos he declined in fury and said he was upset at the low price. ‘ ‘I am cheated,’ cried Kino fiercely’ [Pg. 52] even though 1500 was more than he had ever had. The stubbornness and need to maintain possession of the pearl is described by the dramatic part where Kino bitterly says, ‘I will fight this thing. I will win over it. We will have our chance.’ [Pg. 57]”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Kino’s inner turmoil for the readers so that by the end of the novel, the readers understand Kino’s complete transformation. (“ Juana was trying to preserve the life she had maintained over the years by throwing away the pearl. Shockingly, Kino ‘struck her face with his clenched fist.’ [Pg. 59] This was one of the most unequivocal examples of the change in his state of mind. Somehow, after everything, it still seems as though he genuinely believes that keeping the ‘Pearl of the World’ is the best idea for the well-being of his family.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and illustrative quotes adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. Effective transition words add consistency to the writer’s style. (“His belief that he was prepared for the treacherous road ahead was described on page 29 where it says, ‘Kino was afraid of plans, but having made one, he could never destroy it. And to meet the attack, Kino was already making a hard skin for himself against the world.’ Subsequently, his transformation into a worse person begins with ‘Kino felt the rage and hatred melt toward fear.’ [Pg. 30] when he begins to feel insecure about his thoughts and wonders if he may be wrong.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that do not impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter. However, the writer should be careful to maintain consistent verb tense throughout the essay. (“ Though Juana seriously requests that Kino dispose of the malevolent pearl, he refused and said Coyotito must ‘break out of the pot that holds us in.’ [Pg. 39]”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Other Side of Kino

Like a snake, Kino slithered down the dark stone mountainside, powered by his hate, his eyes never left his enemies resting on the ledge. Hands clutching his knife fiercely, he positioned himself for the attack, knowing that this was his only chance to save his family. John Steinbeck, shows that human nature can be altered by evil 'forces' in his novel, The Pearl . Kino, a pearl diver living in the Gulf, finds what can only be called 'The Pearl of the World." At first glance, it seemed that all of Kino's dreams are about to come true but suddenly, the pearl brings tragedy and grief to Kino's family. This misfortune not only shapes Kino's future but ultimately alters his personality drastically. Before the finding of the Pearl, Kino was a calm, content, man but soon after, his nature turns for the worst.

In the beginning of The Pearl, Kino first starts out as a peaceful and calm man. "Kino heard the little splash of morning waves on the beach. It was very good. Kino closed his eyes again to listen to his music." From this quote, we can see that everything in Kino's family is serene and Kino himself is relaxed. Kino's entire environment is friendly and he has the reassurance that his family is safe. "Sometimes it rose to an aching chord [The Song of the Family] that caught the throat, saying this is safety, this is warmth, this is the Whole." This part of the story illustrates the idea that just by simply being with his family, Kino has a sense of security. Everything is perfect for Kino when suddenly, a scorpion stings Coyotito, his precious son. "Then, snarling, Kino had it, had it in his fingers, rubbing it to a paste in his hands. Kino beat and stamped the enemy until it was only a fragment and a moist place in the dirt." Kino's display of violence was only to protect his son but before he knows it, his acts of violence are for the sake of the pearl.

As the story progresses, Kino faces the first of many troubles. For example, in this quote, the author shows how Kino was starting to distrust others around him. When Juana asked whom he feared, Kino replied solemnly with ," 'Everyone.' And he could feel a shell of hardness drawing over him." "Her arm was up to throw when he leaped at her and caught her arm and wrenched the pearl from her. He struck her in the face with his clenched first and she fell among the boulders, and he kicked her in the side." After Kino struck Juana after she attempted to throw away the pearl, it is made clear that Kino's intention was to protect the pearl, not his family. Trackers followed Kino and his family into the mountains only to be viciously murdered by Kino. "The great knife swung and crunched hollowly. It bit through neck and deep into the chest, and Kino was a terrible machine now." From this part of the story, we can see that Kino no longer cares about what is right but only cares of the safety of his pearl.

The Pearl, by John Steinbeck is a novel that that shows the internal struggle within Kino (More importantly, human nature). Throughout the story the readers see how Kino changes from a tranquil and peaceful man to a bitter and violent machine who learns that evil will destroy not only his family-but himself. How much will people sacrifice for the hope of riches or money?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus the character analysis through an awareness of human nature. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ John Steinbeck, shows that human nature can be altered by evil 'forces' in his novel, The Pearl . Kino, a pearl diver living in the Gulf, finds what can only be called ‘The Pearl of the World.’ At first glance, it seemed that all of Kino's dreams are about to come true but suddenly, the pearl brings tragedy and grief to Kino's family. This misfortune not only shapes Kino's future but ultimately alters his personality drastically. Before the finding of the Pearl, Kino was a calm, content, man but soon after, his nature turns for the worst.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the main character and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer effectively describes Kino’s emotions as he begins to be transformed. (“ Kino's entire environment is friendly and he has the reassurance that his family is safe. ‘Sometimes it rose to an aching chord [The Song of the Family] that caught the throat, saying this is safety, this is warmth, this is the Whole.’ This part of the story illustrates the idea that just by simply being with his family, Kino has a sense of security. Everything is perfect for Kino when suddenly, a scorpion stings Coyotito, his precious son. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Kino’s violent behavior. The writer points out Kino’s shifting allegiance from family to possessions. (“ ‘Then, snarling, Kino had it, had it in his fingers, rubbing it to a paste in his hands. Kino beat and stamped the enemy until it was only a fragment and a moist place in the dirt.’ Kino's display of violence was only to protect his son but before he knows it, his acts of violence are for the sake of the pearl.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, and setting. Selected plot events highlight Kino’s journey, physically and emotionally. (“ Trackers followed Kino and his family into the mountains only to be viciously murdered by Kino. ‘The great knife swung and crunched hollowly. It bit through neck and deep into the chest, and Kino was a terrible machine now.’ From this part of the story, we can see that Kino no longer cares about what is right but only cares of the safety of his pearl.”)

The essay reveals specific details about the main characters through analysis of dialogue from the story. (“As the story progresses, Kino faces the first of many troubles. For example, in this quote, the author shows how Kino was starting to distrust others around him. When Juana asked whom he feared, Kino replied solemnly with ,’ 'Everyone.' And he could feel a shell of hardness drawing over him.’ ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. In the second paragraph, details about Kino’s environment support the writer’s assertion that Kino is content. (“In the beginning of The Pearl, Kino first starts out as a peaceful and calm man. ‘Kino heard the little splash of morning waves on the beach. It was very good. Kino closed his eyes again to listen to his music.’ From this quote, we can see that everything in Kino's family is serene and Kino himself is relaxed.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay with a suspenseful retelling of a scene from the story. Strong use of language creates a powerful opening. (“ Like a snake, Kino slithered down the dark stone mountainside, powered by his hate, his eyes never left his enemies resting on the ledge. Hands clutching his knife fiercely, he positioned himself for the attack, knowing that this was his only chance to save his family.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs and between sentences are used well. (“ ‘Her arm was up to throw when he leaped at her and caught her arm and wrenched the pearl from her. He struck her in the face with his clenched first and she fell among the boulders, and he kicked her in the side.’ After Kino struck Juana after she attempted to throw away the pearl, it is made clear that Kino's intention was to protect the pearl, not his family. ”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson about human longing and the temptations of wealth. (“ The Pearl, by John Steinbeck is a novel that that shows the internal struggle within Kino [More importantly, human nature]. Throughout the story the readers see how Kino changes from a tranquil and peaceful man to a bitter and violent machine who learns that evil will destroy not only his family-but himself. How much will people sacrifice for the hope of riches or money? ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ From this quote, we can see that everything in Kino's family is serene and Kino himself is relaxed. Kino's entire environment is friendly and he has the reassurance that his family is safe. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ At first glance, it seemed that all of Kino's dreams are about to come true but suddenly, the pearl brings tragedy and grief to Kino's family. This misfortune not only shapes Kino's future but ultimately alters his personality drastically. Before the finding of the Pearl, Kino was a calm, content, man but soon after, his nature turns for the worst. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ As the story progresses, Kino faces the first of many troubles. For example, in this quote, the author shows how Kino was starting to distrust others around him… From this part of the story, we can see that Kino no longer cares about what is right but only cares of the safety of his pearl. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. (“ Everything is perfect for Kino when suddenly, a scorpion stings Coyotito, his precious son. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story, The Pearl, Kino is a man with a family who lives in La Paz. He struggles to maintain their lives and tries to raise his family so they would be happy. He was always content and happy with his life, and he was nice to everyone. Everyday, he would wake up early to watch the sunrise while the "Song of the Family" goes through his head. Then, one day he found the "Pearl of the World". Ever since he found the pearl, he slowly began to change. He became a selfish man who started caring more about himself instead of his family. He became greedy, disagreeable, and possessive. Kino was once a happy, content man who changed into a man who was greedy and selfish.

Before Kino became greedy with the "Pearl of the World", he was a man who loved his family and would do anything to try to make them happy. An example is when he said, "My son will read and open the books,my son will write and will know writing. And my son will make numbers, and these things will make us free because he will know- he will know and through him we will know." This quote shows that Kino cares about his son, Coyotito, and he wants Coyotito to learn so Kino will learn through him and help the family. Another quote that shows Kino caring for his family is when he said, " The little one- the first born- has been poisoned by the scorpion. He requires the skill of a healer." This quote shows that Kino cares for Coyotito after he had been stung by the scorpion.

But, Kino started to change after he found the "Pearl of the World". He started to be more greedy and less charitable. Sometimes he became too obsessed with it that he had to hurt his family and even murder someone. He wants the pearl all to himself and wants to spend it on things he couldn't really have before. An example is when he said," A rifle, perhaps a rifle." It shows that Kino is becoming selfish because he now wants something just for himself. Another quote that shows him changing is when he said, "It is worth fifty thousand. You know it, you want to cheat me." This quote shows that Kino doesn't agree with the price the shopkeeper gave. It shows that he wants more money and he doesn't want to be cheated.

So, Kino had changed alot during the story. In the beginning, he was a kind, humble man who was happy the way life was and was happy about his family. Then, "Pearl of the World" changed almost everything about him. He became greedy man who would do anything to keep his pearl safe. He would attack or kill someone if they would've tried to steal it. So, I think Kino has changed alot during the story, but in a negative way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The thesis states the controlling idea and establishes character analysis as the focus of the essay. (“Kino was once a happy, content man who changed into a man who was greedy and selfish.”)

The response adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer focuses on Kino’s character and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine his transformation in their minds. (“An example is when he said,’ A rifle, perhaps a rifle.’ It shows that Kino is becoming selfish because he now wants something just for himself.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus, and the writer describes gradual changes in Kino throughout the essay. (“But, Kino started to change after he found the ‘Pearl of the World’. He started to be more greedy and less charitable.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Sometimes he became too obsessed with it that he had to hurt his family and even murder someone.”)

The response includes quotations from the text. (“‘It is worth fifty thousand. You know it, you want to cheat me.’ This quote shows that Kino doesn't agree with the price the shopkeeper gave.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“He wants the pearl all to himself and wants to spend it on things he couldn't really have before.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is consistent use of paragraphing but inconsistent use of transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by foreshadowing changes soon to come. (“ He was always content and happy with his life, and he was nice to everyone. Everyday, he would wake up early to watch the sunrise while the ‘Song of the Family’ goes through his head. Then, one day he found the ‘Pearl of the World’.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Another quote that shows Kino caring for his family is when he said, ‘ The little one- the first born- has been poisoned by the scorpion. He requires the skill of a healer.’”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ In the beginning, he was a kind, humble man who was happy the way life was and was happy about his family. Then, ‘Pearl of the World’ changed almost everything about him. He became greedy man who would do anything to keep his pearl safe. He would attack or kill someone if they would've tried to steal it. So, I think Kino has changed alot during the story, but in a negative way. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ This quote shows that Kino cares about his son, Coyotito, and he wants Coyotito to learn so Kino will learn through him and help the family.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of an omniscient observer. (“ He became greedy, disagreeable, and possessive. Kino was once a happy, content man who changed into a man who was greedy and selfish. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ In the beginning, he was a kind, humble man who was happy the way life was and was happy about his family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Kinos world had always been small, until one day he found a simple object that would make his world bigger and greater then what he needed this small object was a pearl. The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a big change. Just before Kino could only dream about having the pearl his son, Coytitto, got stung by a scorpion.

Kino had a happy, joyful life before the Pearl destroyed his life. He wanted just a little bit of wealth, and the wealth of the Pearl over powered what he had wanted. Kino loved his wife, and his son. He had a peaceful life, but yet he also had a very happy life too. Kino had a very good relationship until a little after he found the Pearl.

When Kino found the Pearl, it changed his life, his personality, and relationship with his wife. When Kino had found the Pearl he began changing little by little every day Kino had changed the Pearl changed him. Before he had found the Pearl he had a very peaceful, joyful life. The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a big change from how he was form the beginning of the book, the middle, and the end of the book.

There were many ways Kino had change in The Pearl such as Kino was he had hit his wife. He would have never hit his wife before he had the Pearl. All the wealth of the Pearl over powered him, and changed him.

The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a change for mostly bad and partly for the good. A change in the bad because he started doing things he would have never did before he found the Pearl. Also the wealth the Pearl had began to over power Kino. A change for the good because he now could pay for his son to get better, but at the same time it over powered him too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a big change.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Kino’s peaceful life before the appearance of the pearl, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Kino loved his wife, and his son. He had a peaceful life, but yet he also had a very happy life too.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Kino had a very good relationship until a little after he found the Pearl.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“There were many ways Kino had change in The Pearl such as Kino was he had hit his wife. He would have never hit his wife before he had the Pearl.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“He wanted just a little bit of wealth, and the wealth of the Pearl over powered what he had wanted.”)

The essay uses few specific details that relate to the theme of the story. The writer provides limited support from the text. (“The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a big change from how he was form the beginning of the book, the middle, and the end of the book.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Kinos world had always been small, until one day he found a simple object that would make his world bigger and greater then what he needed this small object was a pearl. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ When Kino found the Pearl, it changed his life, his personality, and relationship with his wife. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is vague and confusing. The writer fails to summarize how Kino changed from the beginning of the story to the end or what lessons he learned from his experiences. (“ The transformation of Kino in The Pearl was a change for mostly bad and partly for the good. A change in the bad because he started doing things he would have never did before he found the Pearl. Also the wealth the Pearl had began to over power Kino. A change for the good because he now could pay for his son to get better, but at the same time it over powered him too. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ There were many ways Kino had change in The Pearl such as Kino was he had hit his wife. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an ominous tone to the main character, the writer does not maintain enough focus on Kino’s behavior and the events in the story for readers to relate to his transformation. (“ Kino had a happy, joyful life before the Pearl destroyed his life. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ A change for the good because he now could pay for his son to get better, but at the same time it over powered him too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ A change in the bad because he started doing things he would have never did before he found the Pearl. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thought literture character are often influenced by their surrounding and these influence caused negative transformations in the characters. Kino the protagonist in the novella The pearl find the pearl of the world. after his hopes and dreams may actually come true. As the novella continues, Kino realizes many of his friends are being cheated.

In the begining of the novel when Kino found the pearl. Kino underwent some negative transmations. Kino always being attacked by people who wanted his pearl. The beutiful joyful song of family turned into a fear attacking song everyone around Kino surrounded by greedy selfish people that wanted Kino pearl all for themselves. Also Kino wanted to by buy new things with the money from the pearl. Things like a rifle, new clothes, and an education for coyotito.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions negative transformations. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response fails to address change in the character, instead focusing on negative events in the story. (“Thought literture character are often influenced by their surrounding and these influence caused negative transformations in the characters.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ The beutiful joyful song of family turned into a fear attacking song everyone around Kino surrounded by greedy selfish people that wanted Kino pearl all for themselves.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be addressing negative events in the plot, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the changes in Kino’s behavior. (“Kino underwent some negative transmations. Kino always being attacked by people who wanted his pearl.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) fail to explain how Kino has changed. (“Also Kino wanted to by buy new things with the money from the pearl. Things like a rifle, new clothes, and an education for coyotito.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In the begining of the novel when Kino found the pearl.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Kino the protagonist in the novella The pearl find the pearl of the world. after his hopes and dreams may actually come true.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the transformational analysis the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“In the begining of the novel when Kino found the pearl. Kino underwent some negative transmations. Kino always being attacked by people who wanted his pearl.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main events, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Also Kino wanted to by buy new things with the money from the pearl. Things like a rifle, new clothes, and an education for coyotito. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The beutiful joyful song of family turned into a fear attacking song everyone around Kino surrounded by greedy selfish people that wanted Kino pearl all for themselves.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ Kino underwent some negative transmations.”)

There is repetition. (“ Also Kino wanted to by buy new things with the money from the pearl.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Thought literture character are often influenced by their surrounding and these influence caused negative transformations in the characters. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast. And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what transformation occurred in the story. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of Kino’s transformation but provides no point of reference about Kino’s character in the beginning of the story. Additionally, the writer does not develop this idea in any way. (“kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are used to summarize plot events and not to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast. And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ kino's change in his attitude and how he treats people and when he does everybody is scared of him thinking that he is some kind of beast.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the writing task. (“ And since he killed some trackers trying to find him because he killed a man the people in his village are proud that he is back,but they also fear him.”)

The writer’s voice and style do not effectively communicate his/her purpose to the intended audience. (“ his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“his wive juana keeps telling him taht the pearl is evil but he said that he will not be deafeated by the pearl and that his son will go to school and they will learn from him.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Using Characters to Reveal Theme in a Story

An author may create characters in a short story or novel who reveal the story's message or theme. Think about a novel or short story you have recently read. How is the development of the characters important to the message or theme of the story? How do the characters in the story reveal that message or theme?

In a well-developed essay, discuss how your selected characters develop and/or change throughout the story and how they reveal the overall meaning or theme. Use facts, details, and examples from the story to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever felt that in spite of how hard you try to make a difference in a family or society you are somehow not recognized for your accomplishments? Some family members in a household are shown plenty of attention despite what little they do to deserve it, while others are taken for granted however significant they are in a family. In "The Schwa was here," by Neal Shusterman, Antsy remains virtually unnoticed throughout much of the story and his presence simply accepted. However un-extraordinary and unimportant he comes across as, Antsy is, as he proves himself to be, crucial and influential in family and social life. It is easy to judge someone based on first impression, how he or she is perceived, or by how he or she displays oneself, but in order to discover one's true personality, you need to take a deeper look. Antsy's traits of being persistent, loyal, and understanding have helped to make him an important character in this novel.

The first of Antsy's traits that have rendered him a more important character is persistency, something that is always essential in reality. For example, in one particular scene in the book, Antsy, without his parents' permission, crept out of the house one night to discover the truth about Schwa's mother. This scene from the text is significant because generally, and in Antsy's case, if you take into account the fact that midnight in Brooklyn isn't exactly safe in some neighborhoods, a trip through the city should be avoided. To Antsy's credit, he shook off this danger as a result of his persistency and determination to unravel the secret of Schwa's mother for his friend. This demonstrates that although Antsy is somewhat ignored, he won't back down when faced with an opportunity to help family or friends. Another example of Antsy's determination can be found on page 219 of the book: "I felt like I had run a marathon- that feeling of exhaustion and incredible accomplishment all rolled together." This quotation correlates with the scene in the book when Antsy was "vandalizing" Brooklyn to ensure that the Schwa would be remembered even after his mysterious disappearance. He worked so hard to achieve the goal of his mission that it left his with the feeling described above. Once again, our main character proved that he won't give up when doing something to benefit a friend.

Antsy's second most obvious trait is that he is loyal, mostly to his friend the Schwa but also to others. An example of his loyalty towards Schwa was when he vandalized Brooklyn with Schwa symbols, faces, and the words, "The Schwa was here," in order to fulfill the Schwa's desire to be remembered and noticed. It takes a true friend to do things for a friend when others choose not to, and it takes a loyal one to do this when his or her friend isn't there for you. At one instance in the story, on page 222, Antsy imagined Schwa pleading with him to "Make them look, Antsy! Make them look!" (Schwa was referring to the residents of Brooklyn). Even in the beginning of the story when the Schwa, being "observationally challenged, went not only overlooked but sometimes disregarded, Antsy took the initiative to become his only and best friend. Other evidence of Antsy being loyal to the Schwa includes the scene when the Schwa, after reaching his limit of frustration, decided to set up a Schwa-faced billboard with the intentions of being noticed. After realizing that the poster was not visible from anywhere inhabited, the downhearted Schwa collapsed in front of the massive billboard. Antsy, being the Schwa's loyal friend, faithfully did not abandon him and kept him company after the major setback. This is yet another example of Antsy's increasing importance in the "The Schwa was here."

Finally, Antsy proved himself to be understanding of family, friends, neighbors, and even him. To begin with, Antsy understood the mingling feelings that Schwa was dealing with, and he realized the hardships his friend was experiencing as he tried to appear visible. As a gesture of understanding, Antsy became the optimist and encouraged the Schwa to bear with it until the issue could be resolved. This statement alone suggests that Antsy is necessary in helping to keep the Schwa sane and optimistic. In regards to his family, Antsy realizes his role in his family: to be the paperclip that holds the family together. Only through unwise experimentation does Antsy fully understand this, for because he did not maintain his role, his parents ended up keeping a cool distance from each other. According to the quotation on page 108, "The clip was gone and the pages were flying like confetti." By learning from his mistakes, Antsy could fully understand his responsibilities, and he ended up being the one to reunite the family, another example of his significance. Along similar lines, Antsy began to appreciate his mother's yearning to be in charge of the kitchen starting with page 159, and he gradually understood why it was important for her to consider herself the cook. He assured her that he knew how hard she worked and that he respected her decisions to do certain things. Another surprise occurred when Antsy found himself beginning to understand the thinking and life of the cynical Old Man Crawley. By acknowledging Crawley's distorted beliefs and trying to unwind his twisted thinking, Antsy became closer to the old man in several ways. The ability to understand individual characters made Antsy a special person that could be confided in when needed and an all-around more critical and noticeable character.

Reflecting on how Antsy has impacted other characters and how the story has evolved around him, it is clear that he has taken on a completely different perspective from what he was originally considered as. Antsy had always been simply expected to be there and his parents were always absent-minded in matters that concerned him. However, the main character displayed acts of loyalty, persistency, and thorough understanding, and his unsuspecting parents inadvertently began to notice him more often. In this paper, I discussed how Antsy's three most evident traits have been important to the theme, "Although one may seem unimportant at first glance, he or she could be a completely different person down deeper," and his influence on the book, "the Schwa was here."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. He/she establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Another example of Antsy's determination can be found on page 219 of the book: ‘I felt like I had run a marathon- that feeling of exhaustion and incredible accomplishment all rolled together.’ This quotation correlates with the scene in the book when Antsy was ‘vandalizing’ Brooklyn to ensure that the Schwa would be remembered even after his mysterious disappearance.”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“It is easy to judge someone based on first impression, how he or she is perceived, or by how he or she displays oneself, but in order to discover one's true personality, you need to take a deeper look. Antsy's traits of being persistent, loyal, and understanding have helped to make him an important character in this novel.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“The first of Antsy's traits that have rendered him a more important character is persistency, something that is always essential in reality. For example, in one particular scene in the book, Antsy, without his parents' permission, crept out of the house one night to discover the truth about Schwa's mother. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“According to the quotation on page 108, ‘The clip was gone and the pages were flying like confetti.’ By learning from his mistakes, Antsy could fully understand his responsibilities, and he ended up being the one to reunite the family, another example of his significance.”)

Quotations (by or about the main character) from the text are effectively incorporated into the essay . (“An example of his loyalty towards Schwa was when he vandalized Brooklyn with Schwa symbols, faces, and the words, ‘The Schwa was here,’ in order to fulfill the Schwa's desire to be remembered and noticed. It takes a true friend to do things for a friend when others choose not to, and it takes a loyal one to do this when his or her friend isn't there for you. At one instance in the story, on page 222, Antsy imagined Schwa pleading with him to ‘Make them look, Antsy! Make them look!’…”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“To begin with, Antsy understood the mingling feelings that Schwa was dealing with, and he realized the hardships his friend was experiencing as he tried to appear visible. As a gesture of understanding, Antsy became the optimist and encouraged the Schwa to bear with it until the issue could be resolved.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing how members of a family, including the main character of the story, are perceived. (“Have you ever felt that in spite of how hard you try to make a difference in a family or society you are somehow not recognized for your accomplishments? Some family members in a household are shown plenty of attention despite what little they do to deserve it, while others are taken for granted however significant they are in a family. In ‘The Schwa was here,’ by Neal Shusterman, Antsy remains virtually unnoticed throughout much of the story and his presence simply accepted. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“In regards to his family, Antsy realizes his role in his family: to be the paperclip that holds the family together. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“Reflecting on how Antsy has impacted other characters and how the story has evolved around him, it is clear that he has taken on a completely different perspective from what he was originally considered as. Antsy had always been simply expected to be there and his parents were always absent-minded in matters that concerned him. However, the main character displayed acts of loyalty, persistency, and thorough understanding, and his unsuspecting parents inadvertently began to notice him more often. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story as the readers learn more about the characters. (“For example, in one particular scene in the book, Antsy, without his parents' permission, crept out of the house one night to discover the truth about Schwa's mother. This scene from the text is significant because generally, and in Antsy's case, if you take into account the fact that midnight in Brooklyn isn't exactly safe in some neighborhoods, a trip through the city should be avoided. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the theme for the readers so that by the end of the introduction, the readers understand the focus of the essay. (“Have you ever felt that in spite of how hard you try to make a difference in a family or society you are somehow not recognized for your accomplishments? Some family members in a household are shown plenty of attention despite what little they do to deserve it, while others are taken for granted however significant they are in a family. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Another surprise occurred when Antsy found himself beginning to understand the thinking and life of the cynical Old Man Crawley. By acknowledging Crawley's distorted beliefs and trying to unwind his twisted thinking, Antsy became closer to the old man in several ways. The ability to understand individual characters made Antsy a special person that could be confided in when needed and an all-around more critical and noticeable character.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“To Antsy's credit, he shook off this danger as a result of his persistency and determination to unravel the secret of Schwa's mother for his friend. This demonstrates that although Antsy is somewhat ignored, he won't back down when faced with an opportunity to help family or friends. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In all stories there is some sort of lesson or theme that can leave you with different types of emotions. These emotions are to keep you reading the series, or to keep reading the author. Some characters in the story also can help you determine the theme in the story. Like for say, the book Anna and the Duke, the characters in this story helped me determine the lesson, or theme in this story by their actions and beliefs. In this story there were both major and minor characters to help me find this theme, or lesson. The major characters in the story were Anna (a wealthy young woman, with a plain appearance, plain personality, has many dreams, and a low self-esteem), Ewan Maclaughlin (a hiddin sibling, heir, an unknown son of the deceased Duke, the Duke of Brahm), Richard (desperate, money hungry, heartless, and jealous), and Anna's mother (Mrs. Welsley) is very similar to Richard's characteristics but isn't as much, to that extreme. While the minor characters are Emily, Ewan and Richard's sister (very naive, and innocent), the widowed mother of Richard, and Emily (very classy, and grieve stricken), Jamie (Ewan's cousin back in Scotland), Anna's father, Mr. Welsley, (a hard worker, and very tired), and Ewan's Grandmother back in Scotland (very blunt, outright, and knows what's best for Ewan). All the characters listed above helped me determine that, 'With true love, it's worth being wrong for the right reasons, rather than right for the wrong reasons.'

There was no doubt that Richard, the only formerly known son from the deceased Duke of Brahm, will inherent the throne. So, many of London's people are thrown off track when a hidden son of the Duke was revealed, suddenly. Ewan, the hidden son, indeed inherited the throne, along with the fiance of Richard's, (Anna's) heart. Anna, and the new Duke of Brahm (Ewan) fall head over heels in love with each other in such a short time. They fall in love for the right reason, for pure bliss, rather then an alter-motive. The Duke and Anna's relationship is hidden very well. Anna and Richards engagement was all for the wrong reasons, consisting of wealth and riches. Anna was rather happier with Ewan, than Richard, and it was both clear to Ewan, and Anna.

The main/major characters change or progress throughout the story. Anna, for one, changes from unsure, has doubts about both the relationships with Ewan, and Richard. At the end of the story she is very confident, and sure of what she wants. Ewan also changes, but slightly. He changes from unsure, and confused about the whole 'Duke' role, but also is very passionate and open about the love he has for Anna, to sure, and confident. Richard, also has his alter. He changes from obviously mischievous, and cruel by only acting as if he actually loved Anna, for her riches. Richard becomes even more evil, and cruel when he found out the true love Anna, and Ewan have for each other. In my opinion, though, I think Anna's mother went through the most changes over the course of the story. For she was only for the money in the beginning, and was Richard's 'partner in crime' because she was aware of Richard's intentions, and even helped plan his intentions. She was almost about as evil, and cruel as Richard but, took a complete 180 degrees, and decided the money isn't worth her only daughter's happiness.

Reflecting upon the theme, many characters in the story (Richard, Anna's mother, and many of London's people) thought that the hidden relationship between Anna, and the Duke, was indeed wrong for many reasons. These reasons consisting of the fact that Anna and Richard are engaged, Anna's false reputation for being with Duke's for their money, Ewan 'stealing' Anna away from Richard, and many more false statements. Anna, and Ewan continue their love for each other despite the accusations. They want to do what's right for each other, in which is being happy. They do this throughout the story, rather then being unhappy to please others.

As you can see the main characters play quite a large role in how this story speaks about the theme. Even though the minor characters played small roles about the theme, they all make up what the theme really is. That's why the characters in a story are always going to be a key element in all stories you read, in finding the theme of a story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“In all stories there is some sort of lesson or theme that can leave you with different types of emotions. These emotions are to keep you reading the series, or to keep reading the author. Some characters in the story also can help you determine the theme in the story…All the characters listed above helped me determine that, 'With true love, it's worth being wrong for the right reasons, rather than right for the wrong reasons.' ”)

Details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text , are included . (“Anna, and Ewan continue their love for each other despite the accusations. They want to do what's right for each other, in which is being happy. They do this throughout the story, rather then being unhappy to please others. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about using characters to reveal theme in a story. (“Anna, and the new Duke of Brahm [Ewan] fall head over heels in love with each other in such a short time. They fall in love for the right reason, for pure bliss, rather then an alter-motive. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Richard, also has his alter. He changes from obviously mischievous, and cruel by only acting as if he actually loved Anna, for her riches. Richard becomes even more evil, and cruel when he found out the true love Anna, and Ewan have for each other.”)

Specific information about characters is developed clearly. (“Richard, also has his alter. He changes from obviously mischievous, and cruel by only acting as if he actually loved Anna, for her riches. Richard becomes even more evil, and cruel when he found out the true love Anna, and Ewan have for each other. ”)

Details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The main/major characters change or progress throughout the story. Anna, for one, changes from unsure, has doubts about both the relationships with Ewan, and Richard. At the end of the story she is very confident, and sure of what she wants.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“In all stories there is some sort of lesson or theme that can leave you with different types of emotions. These emotions are to keep you reading the series, or to keep reading the author. Some characters in the story also can help you determine the theme in the story. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“There was no doubt that Richard, the only formerly known son from the deceased Duke of Brahm, will inherent the throne. So, many of London's people are thrown off track when a hidden son of the Duke was revealed, suddenly. Ewan, the hidden son, indeed inherited the throne, along with the fiance of Richard's, [ Anna's ] heart. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“As you can see the main characters play quite a large role in how this story speaks about the theme. Even though the minor characters played small roles about the theme, they all make up what the theme really is. That's why the characters in a story are always going to be a key element in all stories you read, in finding the theme of a story. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“Anna, and Ewan continue their love for each other despite the accusations. They want to do what's right for each other, in which is being happy. They do this throughout the story, rather then being unhappy to please others. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“As you can see the main characters play quite a large role in how this story speaks about the theme. Even though the minor characters played small roles about the theme, they all make up what the theme really is.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Reflecting upon the theme, many characters in the story [ Richard, Anna's mother, and many of London's people ] thought that the hidden relationship between Anna, and the Duke, was indeed wrong for many reasons. These reasons consisting of the fact that Anna and Richard are engaged, Anna's false reputation for being with Duke's for their money, Ewan 'stealing' Anna away from Richard, and many more false statements. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“In all stories there is some sort of lesson or theme that can leave you with different types of emotions. These emotions are to keep you reading the series, or to keep reading the author. Some characters in the story also can help you determine the theme in the story.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The novel, The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants, revolves around four best friends who must be apart. Without the invariant company of one another they are to contend with their situations. This forces them to develop from their one dimensional overviews and convey neoteric aspects of themselves. When this maturation occurs they have minor effect on their bond and they love and care for one another. For these reasons I believe this novel is about the importance of friendship.

The development of Lena, Carmen, Tibby, and Bridget is vital to the theme because they continue to carry love for each other. Lena was a quiet beauty, who kept to herself to avoid only being seen for her looks, and ends up head over heels for a boy in Greece. Tibby comes off sarcastic, bitter and judgmental, but becomes interrogative, and emotional for a young girl who reached out for her during her solitude. Carmen collected and introspective of the group looks over all the girls like the mother of the four, she turns incoherent, bitter, and torn by her father's new life. Motherless athlete Bridget is kept indoors and energetic and quick-minded which causes her to be watched over by her friends, turns heart-ached by the man she wanted.

The characters in this story show that the changes between true friends won't abandon you. When Carmen comes home to Tibby, anticipating sympathy and comfort, they reunite over an emotional Tibby. The friendship between Tibby and Baily was relevant to the theme as well. Though Baily and Tibb struggled to get along at first, but their common interest and feelings of being alone allowed them to confide in each other which lead to their strong friendship. The rules The Pants also revealed the theme in making sure the characters stayed in contact and kept one another in their hearts.

Throughout of this novel, the various adventures of the friends become connected by their letters and thoughts. The importance of their union was the whole concept of The Pants. The idea was to keep them together even if they were apart. They got through the summer, but they werent apart they were together the whole time. Lena, Bridget, Carmen, and Tibby friendship withstood the summer because the strenghth and love its built on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The characters in this story show that the changes between true friends won't abandon you. When Carmen comes home to Tibby, anticipating sympathy and comfort, they reunite over an emotional Tibby.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer uses more sophisticated words to develop ideas. (“Without the invariant company of one another they are to contend with their situations. This forces them to develop from their one dimensional overviews and convey neoteric aspects of themselves. When this maturation occurs they have minor effect on their bond and they love and care for one another.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Throughout of this novel, the various adventures of the friends become connected by their letters and thoughts. The importance of their union was the whole concept of The Pants.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“When Carmen comes home to Tibby, anticipating sympathy and comfort, they reunite over an emotional Tibby.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Tibby comes off sarcastic, bitter and judgmental, but becomes interrogative, and emotional for a young girl who reached out for her during her solitude.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main idea of the essay. (“Though Baily and Tibb struggled to get along at first, but their common interest and feelings of being alone allowed them to confide in each other which lead to their strong friendship. The rules The Pants also revealed the theme in making sure the characters stayed in contact and kept one another in their hearts.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing throughout the essay .

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“The novel, The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants, revolves around four best friends who must be apart. Without the invariant company of one another they are to contend with their situations. ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“When this maturation occurs they have minor effect on their bond and they love and care for one another. For these reasons I believe this novel is about the importance of friendship. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“Throughout of this novel, the various adventures of the friends become connected by their letters and thoughts. The importance of their union was the whole concept of The Pants. The idea was to keep them together even if they were apart. ”)

Language Use & Style

U se of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Generally correct sentence structure with some variety is used .

Sentence length s are adequately varied. (“The importance of their union was the whole concept of The Pants. The idea was to keep them together even if they were apart. They got through the summer, but they werent apart they were together the whole time. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she connects the theme with the characters. (“The rules The Pants also revealed the theme in making sure the characters stayed in contact and kept one another in their hearts. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“The development of Lena, Carmen, Tibby, and Bridget is vital to the theme because they continue to carry love for each other. Lena was a quiet beauty, who kept to herself to avoid only being seen for her looks, and ends up head over heels for a boy in Greece. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this book called the Hunger Games Katniss and Peeta had changed a lot to reveal the theme in the story. Katniss changed by from being very self-less to learning to care for herself. She had also changed by becoming from very poor and weak to very strong. She also had been able to help her family by becoming rich from this competition. When Katniss changed in the book she had helped reveal the theme in the story. She helped reveal the theme that you can conquer anything if you try.

I am now going to state examples of how she changes. In the book she went from being weak and poor to strong and famous. When she was chosen for The Hunger Games she was very weak because she lived in a poor District she was always hungry and never really happy. During The Hunger Games she became very strong. Since she won the Games she became famous. She also now is never very hungry or weak.

Now here is an example to show how Katniss is very self-less. In the book her sister was chosen for the Games. Katniss thought of how that would make her mother very sad and Prim is so young and weak that she could never win. So Katniss volunteered to be in The Games instead of her sister. So she helped her sister.

Another example of how she is self-less is in The Games she helped many people. The first person she helped was Rue. Rue and her became an alliance. She knew Rue was very young and Katniss figured it would help her to become an alliance. She helped Rue from many things but eventually Rue died. Katniss killed the person who killed Rue because she had become very close to Rue.

Katniss had really helped reveal the theme in the story. She had changed by becoming strong from weak. She also changed by being able to take care of her family and help them because earlier in the book she wasn't able to do much. In other books like this one characters are used many times to reveal the story. I think it really helped to understand that when you try you can conquer anything.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“In this book called the Hunger Games Katniss and Peeta had changed a lot to reveal the theme in the story. Katniss changed by from being very self-less to learning to care for herself. She had also changed by becoming from very poor and weak to very strong.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some background information about the character, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“I am now going to state examples of how she changes. In the book she went from being weak and poor to strong and famous. When she was chosen for The Hunger Games she was very weak because she lived in a poor District she was always hungry and never really happy. During The Hunger Games she became very strong.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“She had also changed by becoming from very poor and weak to very strong. She also had been able to help her family by becoming rich from this competition. When Katniss changed in the book she had helped reveal the theme in the story. She helped reveal the theme that you can conquer anything if you try.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Now here is an example to show how Katniss is very self-less. In the book her sister was chosen for the Games. Katniss thought of how that would make her mother very sad and Prim is so young and weak that she could never win. So Katniss volunteered to be in The Games instead of her sister.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The first person she helped was Rue. Rue and her became an alliance. She knew Rue was very young and Katniss figured it would help her to become an alliance. She helped Rue from many things but eventually Rue died.”)

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“When she was chosen for The Hunger Games she was very weak because she lived in a poor District she was always hungry and never really happy. During The Hunger Games she became very strong. Since she won the Games she became famous. She also now is never very hungry or weak.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“In this book called the Hunger Games Katniss and Peeta had changed a lot to reveal the theme in the story. Katniss changed by from being very self-less to learning to care for herself. She had also changed by becoming from very poor and weak to very strong.”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Another example of how she is self-less is in The Games she helped many people.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

As the response draws to a close, the conclusion only serves to give an example of how the character changed and does not adequately connect the response to the theme of the story. (“Katniss had really helped reveal the theme in the story. She had changed by becoming strong from weak. She also changed by being able to take care of her family and help them because earlier in the book she wasn't able to do much. In other books like this one characters are used many times to reveal the story. I think it really helped to understand that when you try you can conquer anything.”)

Language Use & Style

There is repetition in the essay, as sentences begin with the same word. (“She knew Rue was very young and Katniss figured it would help her to become an alliance. She helped Rue from many things but eventually Rue died.”)

This essay needs to include transitions. (“She had changed by becoming strong from weak. She also changed by being able to take care of her family and help them because earlier in the book she wasn't able to do much.”)

There is weak structure of many sentence s, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“She had also changed by becoming from very poor and weak to very strong. She also had been able to help her family by becoming rich from this competition. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is correct . (“In other books like this one characters are used many times to reveal the story. I think it really helped to understand that when you try you can conquer anything.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. In this story, Scrooge is mean, and money hungry. He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. Scrooge could have had both family, and money, but he chooses money instead. That is where my theme comes in.

I have a few examples on how my character is selfish. My first example is he treats everyone around him badly. Then he does not really want Mr. Cratchit to be off for Christmas. My last example is Scrooge lost his girlfriend along time ago being selfish. Those are my examples on the theme "Money is not everything."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions how characters reveal the theme in a story ; however , because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. In this story, Scrooge is mean, and money hungry. He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Additionally, the essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand how characters reveal the theme in a story. (“I have a few examples on how my character is selfish. My first example is he treats everyone around him badly. Then he does not really want Mr. Cratchit to be off for Christmas.”)

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question. (“The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. In this story, Scrooge is mean, and money hungry. He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. Scrooge could have had both family, and money, but he chooses money instead. That is where my theme comes in. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support .

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address how characters reveal the theme in a story , but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“My last example is Scrooge lost his girlfriend along time ago being selfish. Those are my examples on the theme ‘Money is not everything.’”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used adequately to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I have a few examples on how my character is selfish. My first example is he treats everyone around him badly. Then he does not really want Mr. Cratchit to be off for Christmas.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. In this story, Scrooge is mean, and money hungry. He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. Scrooge could have had both family, and money, but he chooses money instead. That is where my theme comes in.

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. In this story, Scrooge is mean, and money hungry.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the response. Also, transitions a re not adequately included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. Scrooge could have had both family, and money, but he chooses money instead.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main point of the essay, but it is weak. (“Those are my examples on the theme "Money is not everything."”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“The way I know my theme is true because of my character Scrooge. ”)

Transitions are needed in the essay. (“He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. Scrooge could have had both family, and money, but he chooses money instead. That is where my theme comes in. ”)

There is repetition within sentence structure. (“He thinks the only way he can be happy is if he has money. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“Then he does not really want Mr. Cratchit to be off for Christmas. My last example is Scrooge lost his girlfriend along time ago being selfish. Those are my examples on the theme ‘Money is not everything.’”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day. But the thing is they get mad at each other. They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The letter is unfocused , and ideas are unorganized. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day. But the thing is they get mad at each other. They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day.”)

Content & Development

Th e essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of how characters reveal the theme in a story, but he/she does not tell this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day. But the thing is they get mad at each other. They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence length s are short. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“But the thing is they get mad at each other. They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“They are celebrateing BFFs day. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“The book I read was 11Birthdays. The main carachters are Amanda and Leo. They wear born on the same day. They are celebrateing BFFs day. But the thing is they get mad at each other. They meet when they wear in the hospital and then agin on their first birthday because their parents rented the same party hall. They theme”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

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