Each person has been in trouble at one time or another because he or she did something bad or said something wrong. Write a multi-paragraph essay describing an instance when you did something you later regretted and the lesson you learned in the process.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"I hope she answers," I thought as I stood on my best friend's porch with my head bent from the wind and my hands burrowed deep in my pockets. The chilly October weather made me more anxious to see my best friend, Madison, as I waited a minute, but no response. I sighed and rang again, thinking she had not heard the first time. The door flew open and the familiar face I had been waiting for appeared saying, "Sheena! Hi! I didn't hear the door ring!" "I know, but hey Madison , can you come play? I have something cool to show you," I answered.

Creating a face that distorted her pretty features, she replied, "I'll go ask. Hold on a minute!" She disappeared again, slamming the door behind her. Rolling my eyes, I turned around and tramped down the steps and out to the driveway. As I stood waiting, I pulled out the small package I had been waiting to show her. Suddenly, Madison reappeared with a big, purple jacket on. Tossing her coffee-brown curls, she looked at me, "Gosh, it's so cold out here! So what did you want to show me?" Before I could answer, a shorter likeness of Madison appeared behind her. "Oh yea my sister wants to play with Shab. You know, as usual," Madison explained to me as I looked down at the smaller blonde copy of Madison that was my sister's best friend. "Okay," I said.

As we headed back towards my house in the nippy, autumn air, Madison reminded me of my surprise. "So what did you want to show me?" she said as we reached my tan and ordinary house. Her little sister, Morgan, ran into the abode looking for my sister. "Oh, yes! Well you know it's close to Halloween and all... well, I found this cool Halloween make-up stuff my mom has, I guess it's like face paint, but look at it!" I rambled on pulling out the small packet I had hidden in my pocket. Enclosed in it was a slender tube of bright, orange liquid that looked similar to lip gloss. Pasted next to it, there were various stencils for coloring decorative patterns. Madison seemed impressed as we quickly turned it over and read the back "Safe for arms, legs and body... may stain clothes, wash with warm water and soap to get off..." I read, always taking my precautions. "Yea, yea, c'mon let's use some!" Madison eyes glimmered with excitement and she looked ready to tear open the parcel.

"Um, well it’s my mom's but...I guess if we're careful, we could open it and use a little. She won't even notice," I suggested timidly, hoping Madison would not barrage me, as usual, for being a baby. "Okay yea. We could do that, I want to use the stencils!" Madison exclaimed, as I carefully opened the package."But we have to clean it up afterwards..." I warned. I started feeling a bit guilty about showing her the make-up. A knot began to form in my stomach as I tried to ignore the lurking feeling that something bad might come out of Madison 's temerity. "All right, you go first. Try a stencil!" Madison said enthusiastically, while I stared at the stencils in my hand. All were depictions of the festive Halloween holiday. My gaze fell upon a starry pattern and I carefully placed it on my arm. " Madison , do this one. Hold on! Read the instructions! Then do it," I ordered, not wanting to ruin anything, let alone my tattoo. "Sheena, it's a stencil, like I don't know how to do one. You know you can use this on your face," Madison said exasperated as she began blotting the orange color on my skin. The liquid felt cool and smooth against my arm. "No,on my arm. It could ruin my face," I said stubbornly. Madison laughed before returning, "You worrywart! Geez. Hey I'm done! Oh, I better be careful taking it off. Let's give it a minute to dry."

I could feel the color hardening on my arm as I waited for the bright stars to take shape. Placing her hand on my arm and using the other to peel the stencil off slowly, Madison unmasked my beautiful orange stars from underneath the messy stencil. Forgetting my apprehension, I quickly blurted, "That's cool! It came out kind of funny, but we can try again! Whoa! Okay now you try!" We sat on the curb and repeated the procedure until Madison had the same stars along her arm, plus several other pictures including pumpkins, witches, and ghosts. I had completely forgotten my troubles for the meanwhile as we sat, trying stencil after stencil on one another. It seemed like merely minutes until we heard the pitter patter of footsteps behind us. With a quick glance, both Madison and I sighed, knowing a definite “something” was about to ruin our fun.

"Watch are you doing?" Morgan piped up, her blonde mane all over her face. "Nothing,why don't you go away?" Madison retorted stiffly. "Can we please play with you? We're bored," my little sister, Shab, asked quietly. Another look between us decided that it would be fine to let them in on our amusement. "Okay, well we’re kind of...painting. This stuff is like body and face paint for Halloween and were just playing with it, you guys want some?" I offered, realizing it might be good practice for when the real Halloween came. Madison , comprehending this just as I did, smiled and said, "Okay yea! Who's first? We could use some practice, so do you guys want your faces painted?" Both cracked humongous grins with Morgan putting in, "YEA! Well, Shab can go first, but I want a tiger face!"

"Me too! I want one, no it's okay Morgie, you can go first," my sister said gleefully.

Madison set ahead carefully, determined to make an excellent tiger face on Morgan as I parked down back on the curb and showed my sister the different stencils. My nervousness reappeared as I watched Madison work carefully. I looked back between her and my sister and wondered if I should have ever brought the paint out in the first place. Before a battle could spring from within my conscience, Madison declared that she was finished with Morgan and we all stood to admire her work. A perfectly proportioned tiger face masked Morgan's real features in splashes of bright, orange color. Each whisker was drawn out to the perfect spot, with the cutest nose to match.

"I have to work even harder on your sister's so they can look alike. The nose is pretty hard to get all the color on," she admitted, examining her own work, keeping Morgan squirming under her thoughtful stare, "Okay Shab, you're up. I have got to get the nose right." "WAIT! Madison , um, uh be careful... I mean my sister has really sensitive skin, I mean maybe we shouldn't even do this," I spurted. To my hapless luck, Madison had already started. Without even looking at me she replied, "Relax. I said I'd be careful and I will." I turned back and tried to carry a conversation with Morgan as my nervousness eased away. Fifteen minutes later, Madison was concentrating hard on the nose as she added the final touch and finished my sister's tiger. "There!" she exclaimed triumphantly. We all gathered to take a look. It did not have the same finesse as Morgan's tiger, yet the nose was very brightly colored. The disappointment on our faces gave it away, as we all opened our mouths to answer my sister's expectant face.

"Well, it looks okay, but we can make it better! We'll just draw other stuff!" Madison added in, taking up the bottle and unscrewing it. "Um. Madison ? Maybe we should just be done..." I suggested, even though I still really wanted to draw with it. "Nah, c'mon, lets make it better!" So off we set, drawing away. By the time we were done, Shab had numerous designs and brightly colored patterns parading up and down her face. We had completely filled up her entire visage with pictures and creations depicting the Halloween we were so eager for.

Finishing up, we separated, with our younger siblings playing back at my house, and Madison and I at her house. We did not see each other again until it was time to head back home. Meeting in the middle of the street, Madison and Morgan walked to their side of it, and I on mine, each of us calling our final good-byes. "Bye Madison ! Bye Morgan! I have to go in! Did Shab go take a shower?" I yelled out, before racing inside. Unluckily, when I got home, my mom had seen Shab and was not happy. "SHEENA! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING TO YOUR SISTER! I SENT HER TO TAKE A BATH TO SCRUB THAT OFF HER FACE!" my mother yelled, the minute she saw me. "Okay but Mom it was just some face paint..." I knew something bad would come out of it."SHE SCRUBBED ALL THE SKIN OFF HER NOSE! SHE RUBBED SO HARD TO GET THAT TIGER FACE OFF! WHO DID THIS?" Her tirade continued as I answered her questions and got sent up to my room without an opportunity to defend myself.

That night, I learned to listen to my conscience and intuition, and not fall under the pressure of even my closest friends. With each line saying I will never face paint on my sister with Madison again, and the angry list of chores I had received, it integrated deeper and deeper into my head, to listen to the doubt and make careful choices about what I do.

Commentary and Analysi s

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay has truly captured the importance of a lesson learned through her effective use of an insightful and controlling idea. (“’Um, well it’s my mom's but...I guess if we're careful, we could open it and use a little. She won't even notice,’ I suggested timidly, hoping Madison would not barrage me, as usual, for being a baby. ‘Okay yea. We could do that, I want to use the stencils!’ Madison exclaimed, as I carefully opened the package.’But we have to clean it up afterwards...’ I warned. I started feeling a bit guilty about showing her the make-up. A knot began to form in my stomach as I tried to ignore the lurking feeling that something bad might come out of Madison's temerity.“) This essay truly shows a thorough understanding of the purpose (“Her tirade continued as I answered her questions and got sent up to my room without an opportunity to defend myself. That night, I learned to listen to my conscience and intuition, and not fall under the pressure of even my closest friends. With each line saying I will never face paint on my sister with Madison again, and the angry list of chores I had received, it integrated deeper and deeper into my head, to listen to the doubt and make careful choices about what I do.”), audience and task. Descriptive words and details are used to enhance the story and heighten the importance of the topic discussed.

Content & Development

This essay is fully detailed, and provides a well-developed plot and setting. This allows the reader to fully understand the dilemma this author was faced with, and the ways her lesson unfolded. (“I knew something bad would come out of it.’SHE SCRUBBED ALL THE SKIN OFF HER NOSE! SHE RUBBED SO HARD TO GET THAT TIGER FACE OFF! WHO DID THIS?’ Her tirade continued as I answered her questions and got sent up to my room without an opportunity to defend myself. That night, I learned to listen to my conscience and intuition, and not fall under the pressure of even my closest friends. With each line saying I will never face paint on my sister with Madison again, and the angry list of chores I had received, it integrated deeper and deeper into my head, to listen to the doubt and make careful choices about what I do.”) This essay allows the reader to become one with the author through the clearly established conflict. Dialogue is used in this essay to explain the author’s insights as they are entering the conflict. (“’Um, well it’s my mom's but...I guess if we're careful, we could open it and use a little. She won't even notice,’ I suggested timidly, hoping Madison would not barrage me, as usual, for being a baby. ‘Okay yea. We could do that, I want to use the stencils!’ Madison exclaimed, as I carefully opened the package.’But we have to clean it up afterwards...’ I warned. I started feeling a bit guilty about showing her the make-up. A knot began to form in my stomach as I tried to ignore the lurking feeling that something bad might come out of Madison 's temerity.”)

Organization

The author captures the reader’s attention by cleverly opening the story. (“’I hope she answers,’ I thought as I stood on my best friend's porch with my head bent from the wind and my hands burrowed deep in my pockets. The chilly October weather made me more anxious to see my best friend, Madison, as I waited a minute, but no response. I sighed and rang again, thinking she had not heard the first time. The door flew open and the familiar face I had been waiting for appeared saying, ‘Sheena! Hi! I didn't hear the door ring!’ ‘I know, but hey Madison , can you come play? I have something cool to show you,’ I answered. ”) This essay is formatted into a chronological sequence of events in order for the reader to become part of the action. This type of essay structure is effective in a narrative. (“Finishing up, we separated, with our younger siblings playing back at my house, and Madison and I at her house. We did not see each other again until it was time to head back home. Meeting in the middle of the street, Madison and Morgan walked to their side of it, and I on mine, each of us calling our final good-byes. ‘Bye Madison ! Bye Morgan! I have to go in! Did Shab go take a shower?’ I yelled out, before racing inside. Unluckily, when I got home, my mom had seen Shab and was not happy. ‘SHEENA! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING TO YOUR SISTER! I SENT HER TO TAKE A BATH TO SCRUB THAT OFF HER FACE!’ my mother yelled, the minute she saw me.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style of this essay is effective for its audience, since it is showcasing a dilemma many high school students are faced with, peer pressure. This author demonstrates a defined voice (“My nervousness reappeared as I watched Madison work carefully. I looked back between her and my sister and wondered if I should have ever brought the paint out in the first place. Before a battle could spring from within my conscience, Madison declared that she was finished with Morgan and we all stood to admire her work.”) and a clear sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student has a clear understanding of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Very few or no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling are evident and do not interfere with the writer’s intended message. (“The liquid felt cool and smooth against my arm. ‘No,on my arm. It could ruin my face,’I said stubbornly. Madison laughed before returning, ‘You worrywart! Geez. Hey I'm done! Oh, I better be careful taking it off. Let's give it a minute to dry.’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It was a brisk, summer afternoon and I was home alone. The phone rang and it was my best friend Emily on the phone. She asked me if I would like to go to Courtney's house. Courtney was a grade below us. I said I'd have to call and ask my mom first and that I'd call her back for the answer. I called my mom.

I said " Hey mom, is it okay if Emily and I go to Courtney's."

My mom replied " Yes but, make sure Emily meets you half way. I don't want you walking alone, oh and turn on the alarm."

"I don't know how, how do you do it?" I questioned her.

“Never mind then, I'll teach you later, just don't touch the alarm since you don't know how to work it, and just shut and lock the door and bring a spare key." she told me.

I agreed and hung up the phone and called Emily back. “Hey Em, I'm allowed to go over, but can you meet my at my house, so I don't walk alone?" I said to her.

"Sure, I'll be right over." she said back. I get out of my pajamas, get dressed, and go downstairs to await her arrival.

Knock, knock, knock. It was Emily. I answered it and let her in. "I just have to get a key and lock up the house." I said. "Okay" she replied. We were about to leave and I passed the alarm, it looked so tempting to touch, and turning on the alarm would make me look so smart and mature.”I think I'll show off!” I thought. "Wait, I need to turn on the alarm." I said sounding so above myself.

"Okay but, hurry up." Emily said, not impressed. I pushed some random button that looked like it could be to turn on the alarm, then I ran out, and locked the door.

When we got to Courtney's, she opened the door, we went in and went into her living room and played with all her thousands of stuffed animals. Then we went upstairs and went on her computer and played Barbie Dream Makeover. It was a game I always wanted but, never had, because it wouldn't go on the type of computer we had. So I was super happy we got to play the game. Halfway into the game, we were laughing and hyper and loud; we were being typical young girls.

"Emma, someone's here to see you." Courtney's mom called up to us.

"Huh, who’s here to see me?" I said, kind of shocked. "

“Emma, you need to come home now, the ambulance and all these hospital workers are over your house, the alarm went off. They think it was your dog who jumped up and must have hit it." My two next door neighbors, Celine and Jason, alerted me. I was in awe. I knew it was my fault, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone.

"Oh my goodness." I shut the door and went back upstairs shocked at what happened. “I'm dead.” Emily was trying to calm me down saying that my mom wouldn’t care and that she’d understand, but I had a hard time believing that. She calmed me down.

Courtney’s mom yelled up that my mom was on the phone. I grabbed it and instantly clicked the “on” button. "Hello?" I said in a confused, shy manner.

"Emma I'm coming to get you right now, bye." My mom said. I wasn’t sure if she was mad or not. I thought, “Oh man, I'm going to be grounded for this one.” My mom comes to pick me up and my sister was in the car. I got in the car and my mom and sister lectured me on my wrongdoing. My mom got pretty mad at me because she told me not to turn it on. One of the helpers almost broke a run trying to climb into the window to see if anyone was hurt. My next door neighbors thought my mom had another heart attack. When I had talked to her before, I blamed it on the dog, and had lied to her.

Later that night, everything was calming down, I wasn’t grounded. My mom was mad, but she forgave me and told me never to do it again. When I had to talk to my dad on the phone, because he was away on business, he sounded fine and didn't care as much as I thought he would. I did something wrong. I learned from my wrongdoing and got lectured and went on with my life. I never touched something I didn't know how to work again. You could say I learned my lesson, though it was scary and a shock. I got through it, and it went through my mind, “I will never forget this story or the lessons learned from it.”

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author has created a strong narrative that conveys a complete message to the intended audience. (“I did something wrong. I learned from my wrongdoing and got lectured and went on with my life. I never touched something I didn't know how to work again. You could say I learned my lesson, though it was scary and a shock. I got through it, and it went through my mind, ‘I will never forget this story or the lessons learned from it.’”) Supporting details are used skillfully to enhance the tension and conflict of the story. (“I said sounding so above myself. ‘Okay but, hurry up.’ Emily said, not impressed. I pushed some random button that looked like it could be to turn on the alarm, then I ran out, and locked the door.”)

Content & Development

This author uses a well-developed plot and setting to creatively describe a lesson that all of us have learned. The author creates believable characters through the use of effective dialogue. (“I agreed and hung up the phone and called Emily back. ‘Hey Em, I'm allowed to go over, but can you meet my at my house, so I don't walk alone?’ I said to her. ‘Sure, I'll be right over.’ she said back. I get out of my pajamas, get dressed, and go downstairs to await her arrival.”) The conflict is heightened through the writer’s control of voice. (“’I think I'll show off!’ I thought. ‘Wait, I need to turn on the alarm.’ I said sounding so above myself. ‘Okay but, hurry up.’ Emily said, not impressed.”)

Organization

The descriptive opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. (“It was a brisk, summer afternoon and I was home alone.”) The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion effectively explains what the writer learned from his/her lesson and how it has affected future decisions. (“You could say I learned my lesson, though it was scary and a shock. I got through it, and it went through my mind, ‘I will never forget this story or the lessons learned from it.’”)

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates effective language and word choice in sharing a childhood moment. (“I knew it was my fault, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone. ‘Oh my goodness.’ I shut the door and went back upstairs shocked at what happened. ‘I'm dead.’ Emily was trying to calm me down saying that my mom wouldn’t care and that she’d understand, but I had a hard time believing that.”) The sentences are generally well-structured with an effective use of dialogue to enhance the storyline. (“Emily was trying to calm me down saying that my mom wouldn’t care and that she’d understand, but I had a hard time believing that. She calmed me down. Courtney’s mom yelled up that my mom was on the phone. I grabbed it and instantly clicked the ‘on’ button. ‘Hello?’ I said in a confused, shy manner. ‘Emma I'm coming to get you right now, bye.’ My mom said. I wasn’t sure if she was mad or not. I thought, ‘Oh man, I'm going to be grounded for this one.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing, allowing few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling to interfere with the message. (“They think it was your dog who jumped up and must have hit it. My two next door neighbors, Celine and Jason, alerted me. I was in awe. I knew it was my fault, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message

Model Essay

One day in Home ec. we were all learning how to sew duffel bags. There were many steps, and precautions involved in making the bag. Mrs. Jones was going over some of the rules and teaching us how to use certain things.

She then came to the fabric cutter. She told us that when using the tool to make sure that we used the special glove so that if we got cut it wouldn't damage the skin. When it was my turn to use the fabric cutter i lined up my fabric, put the measuring stick in place and put on my glove. I then noticed that the fabric wasn't aligned, so i took off the glove, and lined it up. I picked up the fabric cutter, forgetting to put my glove back on, place it on the fabric, pressed down hard and rolled down the line. I wasn't paying attention and didn't know my finger was hanging off the side of the measuring stick and i rolled right over it.

I didn't quite know what happened to my finger but i quick dropped the cutter and held my finger tight in my other hand. I went over to Mrs. Jones and told her what had happened. She was a little disappointed in me but more concerned about what happened. She took a look at my finger and gasped she ran me over to the sink and put it under cold water, wrapped it in a towel, and got someone to take me to the nurse.

I thought she was making a big deal out of what had happened because it was just a cut. When we got to the nurse, she sat me down and carefully un wrapped my finger from the towel. I then saw what had really happened to my finger for the first time. She told me I had cut off a little bit of the corner of my finger.

After i realized what happened i started to cry. She then put neosporin on it, wrapped it up and began to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital. She didn't answer her cell phone so we then called my dad. Still no one answered. After some time passed she said if i couldn't get a ride i would have to take an ambulance to get to the hospital. About 5 minutes later my mom finally called back. She came to my school as fast as she could and she took me to the hospital.

The wait was about an hour long, i was in a lot of pain, and the towel they gave me for my finger started to get too wet. When the doctor finally took me in, he said that I might need stitches, but he could also just wrap it up in what they called a "dress". I chose the dress because i figured it would be less painful. He put some more medicine on my finger, a little sponge over the cut, and wrapped my whole finger up in gaws.

After a while it was hard for me to do other things. I had trouble typing, getting dressed, and i wasn't allowed to sew until my finger healed. I learned a lesson to always follow directions because they're really important.

Commentary and Analysi s

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete narrative to the intended audience. The author establishes and focuses on a conflict, yet fails to fully address all parts of the task. (“One day in Home ec. we were all learning how to sew duffel bags. There were many steps, and precautions involved in making the bag.”) This essay is lacking in descriptive details which would have made the essay more alluring to the reader. (“She told me I had cut off a little bit of the corner of my finger. After i realized what happened i started to cry. She then put neosporin on it, wrapped it up and began to call my mom so she could take me to the hospital. She didn't answer her cell phone so we then called my dad.”)

Content & Development

The author provides a developed plot and setting but fails to do so descriptively. (“Mrs. Jones was going over some of the rules and teaching us how to use certain things. She then came to the fabric cutter. She told us that when using the tool to make sure that we used the special glove so that if we got cut it wouldn't damage the skin.”) The conflict is established and explained, but is lacking supporting details which would enhance the body of the essay. (“After some time passed she said if i couldn't get a ride i would have to take an ambulance to get to the hospital. About 5 minutes later my mom finally called back. She came to my school as fast as she could and she took me to the hospital. The wait was about an hour long, i was in a lot of pain, and the towel they gave me for my finger started to get too wet.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. Three paragraphs have been developed by the author to explain the incident. The first paragraph serves as the introduction. In the second paragraph, the author explains the circumstances of the lesson. The final paragraph provides a brief conclusion that defines the lesson learned. (“After a while it was hard for me to do other things. I had trouble typing, getting dressed, and i wasn't allowed to sew until my finger healed. I learned a lesson to always follow directions because they're really important.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience and purpose of the task, although it is quite basic at times. This essay could be improved by using more precise and vivid language that enhances the details of the essay. (“I then saw what had really happened to my finger for the first time. She told me I had cut off a little bit of the corner of my finger. After i realized what happened i started to cry.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the mechanics and conventions of written English is adequate. Few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling (“gaws”) are evident in this piece.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mom always says, "Don't play ball in the house!". Well, I have learned my lesson and I will never play with a ball in my house again.

It was seven years ago, when I was eight years old, my little brother Elliot and I were playing with a ball in our living room, the nicest room in the house when I threw the ball to Elliot the ball hit my moms favorite lamp. Time seamed to slow down as it was falling.

"Crash!", was the dreaded sound it made when it hit the floor. My brother and I ran as fast as we could so we would not get in trouble. My mom didn't find out until the next day when she walked into the living room and starred at the shattered lamp on the floor, ruined beyond repair. She found out that I did it and was upset with me and sent me to my room. I was so sad that I had broken her most precious possession and that she had gotten mad at me for what I had done and then did not tell her.

I learned a lesson that day that if you do something wrong, tell someone right away because it will only be worse if they find out you did not tell. From then on I have learned, "If mom says don't, then don't!" In the end, if you ever think about playing ball in the house, just remember my story and think again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has some positive qualities, but in the end fails to deliver a powerful narrative that captures the reader’s attention. (“Mom always says, 'Don't play ball in the house!'. Well, I have learned my lesson and I will never play with a ball in my house again.”) While the author stays focused on the idea, s/he is unable to complete a narrative which fully engages the audience.

Content & Development

The author provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. This story lacks descriptive details that would draw the reader into the conflict of the story. (“It was seven years ago, when I was eight years old, my little brother Elliot and I were playing with a ball in our living room, the nicest room in the house when I threw the ball to Elliot the ball hit my moms favorite lamp.”)

Organization

The organization is this essay is limited; a mere two paragraphs with only a sentence for an introduction show that this essay is lacking in supporting details. There is a definitive conclusion, which adequately sums up what the author learned from the conflict. (“learned a lesson that day that if you do something wrong, tell someone right away because it will only be worse if they find out you did not tell. From then on I have learned, 'If mom says don't, then don't!' In the end, if you ever think about playing ball in the house, just remember my story and think again.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience as well as for the task. The author also shows control over sentence structure and word choice. (“Crash!", was the dreaded sound it made when it hit the floor. My brother and I ran as fast as we could so we would not get in trouble. My mom didn't find out until the next day when she walked into the living room and starred at the shattered lamp on the floor, ruined beyond repair.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author of this short, simple essay maintains decent control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, permitting few noticeable errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling (“seamed”) that may interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why do people in get troubel? I got in troubel once and it was not a good thing to do. Why I got in trouble is because I screamed at my perents. After I got in trouble my perents told me that I am not going out four a week with my friends. I told them i was sorry ill never do it agian. Many people get in troubel for not lisening to what they are told to do. I learned a valiabel lessen that day never scream at you'r perents.

The first day of my puneshment was realy bad I was home all day cleaning my room and doing work for my mom. The next day I cleand the back yared and washed the car. I told my self that I will never scream at my perents agian. I didn't see my friends that hole week.I was bored of doing work.

I learnd that geting in trouble can be harder then you think it is because it comes with concequences. Many people dont think about whats going to happens after the do what they did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the task. While a lesson learned is stated (“I learnd that geting in trouble can be harder then you think it is because it comes with concequences.”), it is not specific to the conflict, which is yelling at your parents. It is likely that the author did not fully understand the audience and purpose of this prompt, and therefore completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

Virtually no details are provided by the author to create a narrative story that would interest and inform a reader. The author starts to explain the details of the lesson learned, but fails to tell the circumstances of the story. (“I got in troubel once and it was not a good thing to do. Why I got in trouble is because I screamed at my perents”) Such incomplete and inadequate support is characteristic of an essay that is “limited” in its content and development.

Organization

This author does organize the essay into three separate paragraphs—an introduction, body, and conclusion—but fails to create a unified structure. (“The first day of my puneshment was realy bad I was home all day cleaning my room and doing work for my mom. The next day I cleand the back yared and washed the car.”) The single body paragraph describes what happened after the lesson was learned, but fails to develop the conflict fully so the reader can get a complete picture.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inappropriate for the assigned task and intended audience. Numerous errors in word choice and sentence structure can be found in this essay. (“I learnd that geting in trouble can be harder then you think it is because it comes with concequences. Many people dont think about whats going to happens after the do what they did.”) The author is unable to fully define his/her voice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay shows a minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, committing significant errors in grammar (“The first day of my puneshment was realy bad I was home all day cleaning my room and doing work for my mom”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“puneshment") that significantly interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A lession, learned for me is the time i got cougth steling.I learned a lission because i had to go to teen quart.In teen i got a 20 hours comuinty service, 10 jurry duetys, and 5 teen councial duteys.

It was dum trying to stel. I wish i never would have dun that. my mom was super pissed at me. I was grouned for 2 weeks. I could not go to the movies for 3 months. The lission i learned was stiling is dum.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly mention a lesson learned, a narrative is not developed to share the circumstances of the lesson. (“A lession, learned for me is the time i got cougth steling.I learned a lission because i had to go to teen quart.”)

Content & Development

This author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable event and only a brief mention of the conflict. (“A lession, learned for me is the time i got cougth steling.”) No supporting details are mentioned to support how this lesson was learned.

Organization

This author attempts to organize thoughts into a unified structure, but fails to fully define an introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction also serves as the body paragraph, with a simple three-line conclusion. (“I wish i never would have dun that. my mom was super pissed at me. I was grouned for 2 weeks. I could not go to the movies for 3 months. The lission i learned was stiling is dum.”)

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates poor language use. Sentences are simple and poorly structured. (“It was dum trying to stel”) Also, word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience. (“The lission i learned was stiling is dum.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in grammar, punctuation (“A lession, learned”), and spelling (“dum”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

A Meaningful Song

When you want to listen to music, you turn on the radio or your MP3 player, or take out one of your favorite CDs. Many times, listening to a particular song can bring back memories of a particular time, event, or person in your life. When you hear your favorite songs, what do you think of?

Write a story about the memories which one or more favorite songs bring to mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One day this past summer, I came home from a friend's house after having a great time. I walked into the house and an eerie aura filled my house. I quietly made my way to my dad's computer desk and saw him just staring blankly into space. I did not know whether to speak or just keep my mouth shut. As I approached him, he looked at me with great sadness in his eyes. Many things were rushing through my mind at this point. I did not know whether something had happened to my brother or someone. I tried to slow my mind down and my dad slowly spoke the words, "Squirt, we need to talk." After I heard those words ringing through my head, I thought I was in trouble. The news I was about to hear made me wish I was in trouble for life. He spoke with a tone I never wish to hear again. He said, "Squirt, Daniel passed away in his sleep last night."

I did not know what to think. My mind could not comprehend what had happened. Thoughts filled my head saying, "God, why Daniel. Why?" I ran out of the room in a rage. I grabbed my cell phone like it was a life saver in the ocean during a storm. I called his number and then it went straight to his voicemail. I remember yelling for him to pick up. I have never felt so sad in my life. I started to scream with tears rolling down my face. I called my best friend to come to me. I could not even walk to hug her. She held me close while I was weeping over Daniel. I thought to myself, “How am I going to survive this funeral?” but then I remembered a song that my grandmother makes me sing to her called Heaven Holds the Ones I Love.

I listened to it and sang it with all my might. I would sing it like I was singing it to Daniel. That night was a long, cold, and dreary night for me. That night also gave me a rude awakening. I had a dream that Daniel came to me, and sat on my bed with his National Guard uniform on, and he looked healthy. I did not know if I was dreaming or not. He spoke to me saying, "Emily, I was only twenty-six and I passed away. It was my time. Do not mess up your life. Make the most of it. I did not know my time, but you need to live like you know yours. Tell mom I love her. Tell my family I love them and will see them soon. I will miss you, but you will be with me soon. I am in a better place." I then spoke to him saying, "Daniel, what happened?" He replied, "It was an overdose of pain killers from the wreck in Iraq . The doctors told me to take too much than was needed. It was an accident. Do not blame them and especially do not blame God." I just sat there crying and wishing it was not true, but then he said to me while pointing at the poster I made for him when he came home, "Emily, God still answers prayers." Daniel vanished and I ran to my dad's room saying Daniel came to me. My dad believed me, but he told me not to tell any one. I did not say a word and went back to bed dreading the funeral.

The funeral came and it was a very sad moment for our family. Daniel was my cousin, but we would hang out when we both got the chance. He was like an older brother. He always tried to keep me in line. I remember holding my Papa's hand during the whole thing while following his casket. The National Guard came from his company and had a military service. As we walked down the aisle I heard the song “Who You'd be Today.” It was one of Daniel's favorite songs. The main part I hear over and over again is where it says, "Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face. I hear you laughing in the rain. I still cannot believe you’re gone. It ain't fair, you died too young. Like a story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, and all the hell that I have been through just knowing no one can take your place, but sometimes I wonder who you would be today."

Daniel was an amazing person. You always felt safe around him. I have so many memories of Daniel that still makes my heart ache to think about them. Why did God have to take him? He did nothing to deserve it. Whenever I miss Daniel, I go to my room and sing Heaven Holds the Ones I Love. It brings tears to my eyes every time I sing it. I feel like I am just talking to him. When I miss him, I just sing or hum to myself the words from the song, "As tears clear my eyes, I finally realize happiness is where you are. And in my grief and disbelief, one thing I know is true every breath that I take brings me that much closer to you."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the prompt. The writer also provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. In the beginning, what happened before the main event occurs is described very effectively. (“I walked into the house and an eerie aura filled my house. I quietly made my way to my dad's computer desk and saw him just staring blankly into space. I did not know whether to speak or just keep my mouth shut. As I approached him, he looked at me with great sadness in his eyes.”) Furthermore, all of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“She held me close while I was weeping over Daniel. I thought to myself, ‘How am I going to survive this funeral?’ but then I remembered a song that my grandmother makes me sing to her called Heaven Holds the Ones I Love.”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed very effectively. (“The funeral came and it was a very sad moment for our family. Daniel was my cousin, but we would hang out when we both got the chance. He was like an older brother. He always tried to keep me in line. I remember holding my Papa's hand during the whole thing while following his casket. The National Guard came from his company and had a military service.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The writer introduces the readers to complex characters. Also, the writer clearly establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. In particular, detail is used to develop the main events of the story very effectively. (“I did not know what to think. My mind could not comprehend what had happened. Thoughts filled my head saying, ‘God, why Daniel. Why?’ I ran out of the room in a rage. I grabbed my cell phone like it was a life saver in the ocean during a storm.”) Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem. (“He replied, ‘It was an overdose of pain killers from the wreck in Iraq . The doctors told me to take too much than was needed. It was an accident. Do not blame them and especially do not blame God.’ I just sat there crying and wishing it was not true, but then he said to me while pointing at the poster I made for him when he came home, ‘Emily, God still answers prayers.’”) The resolution is very effectively described. (“Whenever I miss Daniel, I go to my room and sing Heaven Holds the Ones I Love. It brings tears to my eyes every time I sing it. I feel like I am just talking to him. When I miss him, I just sing or hum to myself the words from the song, ‘As tears clear my eyes, I finally realize happiness is where you are. And in my grief and disbelief, one thing I know is true every breath that I take brings me that much closer to you.’”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer includes an ending that pulls the entire story together. Specifically, the mood in the beginning is set very effectively with sensory words. (“I walked into the house and an eerie aura filled my house. I quietly made my way to my dad's computer desk and saw him just staring blankly into space.”)

The beginning includes very effective background information about the event. (“‘Squirt, we need to talk.’ After I heard those words ringing through my head, I thought I was in trouble. The news I was about to hear made me wish I was in trouble for life. He spoke with a tone I never wish to hear again. He said, ‘Squirt, Daniel passed away in his sleep last night.’”) The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and the narrator’s feelings. (“When I miss him, I just sing or hum to myself the words from the song, ‘As tears clear my eyes, I finally realize happiness is where you are. And in my grief and disbelief, one thing I know is true every breath that I take brings me that much closer to you.’”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective language use and style. The essay exhibits precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience; furthermore, the writer uses well-structured and varied sentences. Specifically, the second and third paragraphs are aligned well with each other in terms of language and tone. (“ I did not know whether something had happened to my brother or someone. I tried to slow my mind down…. I did not know what to think. My mind could not comprehend what had happened….”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ I called his number and then it went straight to his voicemail. I remember yelling for him to pick up. I have never felt so sad in my life. I started to scream with tears rolling down my face.”) Throughout the essay, c ompound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ I just sat there crying and wishing it was not true, but then he said to me while pointing at the poster I made for him when he came home, ‘Emily, God still answers prayers.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This story demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“He was like an older brother. He always tried to keep me in line. I remember holding my Papa's hand during the whole thing while following his casket. The National Guard came from his company and had a military service.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Music has always given me good memories that have happened in my life. The genre that I prefer to listen to is "Alternative Rock". For some reason I always grew up enjoying this type of music. One of my favorite songs is "Over My Head" by the group "The Fray". The reason this is one of my favorite songs is because I always think about the girl who convinced me to listen to this artist. She always asked me to listen to this song until one day I wound up actually listening to the song and thought it was quite good. After listening to that song, we both started conversing and found out we both listen to the same kinds of artists.

From that moment on, I fell in love with her. My friends asked me, "What is so special about her?" I then replied, "The way she listens to me when I tell her something important." My friends then said, "That's all?" I replied, "Can you find a girl that actually respects what you have to say?" As soon as I said that, there was complete silence in the air like that of a cold winter's night.

The school bell then sounds and I move to my next scheduled class. As I am about to approach the door she was standing there smiling at me. At first I didn't know whether or not I should approach her. As I was thinking of what to do, she comes towards me asking, "Is this your class?" I then replied, "Yes it is, and why do you ask?" She says, "I asked because the Principal just changed my class."

I said, "Well then I guess we are classmates." She smiles and giggles a bit. As I walk to take my seat in the very cramped classroom, I see her looking for a place to sit. I said, "There is a seat right next to me if you would like to sit?" She replies, "That sounds cool." She then sits to the seat to the right of me. I start to get rather nervous because my crush is sitting right next to me. I don't want to make a fool of myself.

So then I was going to take it upon myself to strike up a conversation. But, just as I was about to, she started humming the lyrics to "Over My Head" by "The Fray". Then I said, "That was the song we were singing yesterday!" She smiles and we both start to sing. All of a sudden we both stop and stare into each other's eyes and our lips collided. So I'm thinking to myself, “That was magical!”

After all this, I asked her out and she said, "Yes!” I was the happiest boy in the world! I learned that music brings everyone together, no matter what ethnicity we are. Music can fit into any mood you are going through and manage to put you in an excellent mood. Music can sometimes even change the way you may think of certain topics or issues. The bottom line is that music is much more influential than we think or realize.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The essay demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story. In particular, the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“One of my favorite songs is ‘Over My Head’ by the group ‘The Fray’. The reason this is one of my favorite songs is because I always think about the girl who convinced me to listen to this artist.”) The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“But, just as I was about to, she started humming the lyrics to ‘Over My Head’ by ‘The Fray’. Then I said, ‘That was the song we were singing yesterday!’ She smiles and we both start to sing.”) Also, there is no unnecessary information in the story. (“After all this, I asked her out and she said, ‘Yes!’ I was the happiest boy in the world! I learned that music brings everyone together, no matter what ethnicity we are. Music can fit into any mood you are going through and manage to put you in an excellent mood.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and also establishes tension that heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue is used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. There is effective sensory detail about the setting. (“As I walk to take my seat in the very cramped classroom, I see her looking for a place to sit. I said, ‘There is a seat right next to me if you would like to sit?’ She replies, ‘That sounds cool.’ She then sits to the seat to the right of me.”) The dialogue is developed effectively. (“My friends asked me, ‘What is so special about her?’ I then replied, ‘The way she listens to me when I tell her something important.’ My friends then said, ‘That's all?’ I replied, ‘Can you find a girl that actually respects what you have to say?’”) Moreover, the outcome is effectively described. (“After all this, I asked her out and she said, ‘Yes!’ I was the happiest boy in the world! I learned that music brings everyone together, no matter what ethnicity we are.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The opening of the essay excites readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The writer’s ending provides readers with a sense of completeness. Specifically, the beginning includes effective background information about the narrator and event. (“ Music has always given me good memories that have happened in my life. The genre that I prefer to listen to is ‘Alternative Rock’.”) Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ So then I was going to take it upon myself to strike up a conversation….. After all this, I asked her out and she said, ‘Yes!’”) The essay includes an effective ending. (“ Music can sometimes even change the way you may think of certain topics or issues. The bottom line is that music is much more influential than we think or realize.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good language use and style. The writer utilizes appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; furthermore, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety . Specifically, the language and tone are mostly consistent. (“ The school bell then sounds and I move to my next scheduled class….. She smiles and giggles a bit. As I walk to take my seat in the very cramped classroom, I see her looking for a place to sit.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how main and supporting points are related. (“ At first I didn't know whether or not I should approach her. As I was thinking of what to do, she comes towards me asking, ‘Is this your class?’ I then replied, ‘Yes it is, and why do you ask?’ She says, ‘I asked because the Principal just changed my class.’”) Throughout the essay, c ompound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ I learned that music brings everyone together, no matter what ethnicity we are. Music can fit into any mood you are going through and manage to put you in an excellent mood.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits good control of conventions and mechanics. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which do not interfere with the writer’s message. For example, sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with a punctuation mark, paragraphs are distinguished by a line break or indentation, and sentences begin with a capital letter. ( “The school bell then sounds and I move to my next scheduled class. As I am about to approach the door she was standing there smiling at me. At first I didn't know whether or not I should approach her. As I was thinking of what to do, she comes towards me asking, ‘Is this your class?’ I then replied, ‘Yes it is, and why do you ask?’ She says, ‘I asked because the Principal just changed my class.’”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Music is a big part of my life. Music helps me get through things, whether they be bad or good. One of my favorite songs right now is "Goodlife" by Kanye West. The melody of the song is so joyous and jubilant that I can't help but smile when I hear it. The first time I heard the song I was at a party that I was having fun at. The party was packed with people and we were all just having fun so the song perfectly captured the atmosphere of the event. Whenever I hear the song now, it takes me back to that fun night and it puts a smile on my face.

Another time that the songs take me back to was a graduation party that my friend was having after our 8th grade year. Around that time, I didn't go to many parties so when I did, it was a big thing. When I first got there, there wasn't many people so I was thinking that the party wasn't going to be very good. As the party went on, more and more people started coming and then the DJ came and that's when all the fun started. The first song that the DJ played was "PYT" by Micheal Jackson, which has a similar beat to "Goodlife." When I heard the song, the rhythm began to move throughout my body and I just had to dance. That song marked the beginning of the great night that I was going to experience. The song "Goodlife" brings me back to happy times.

Not only is that song is a favorite of mine but also "Sunshine" by Lupe Fiasco. In this song, he raps about a girl that makes his day and has him doing things that he doesn't usually do. When I first heard this song, it reminded me of a time back in middle school when I had a crush on a girl. I used to try to fix myself up and look nice whenever I'd see her. I would do things that I don't usually do like clean my shoes and fix up my hair when I didn't usually care about things like that. Lupe raps about having the same feelings for a girl the same way I had feelings for the girl I liked so that is why I could relate to it. Hearing that song just takes me back to those days and I can't help but laugh.

There was one event in particular with the girl that comes to mind when I hear the song. We had a project to do for science class and the teacher assigned partners. The girl was in that class so I was kind of hoping that we would get assigned together but at the same time I was kind of nervous. As the teacher was calling out names, I was hoping that he wouldn't call out our names together but he did. When that happened, my heart almost stopped and I felt my palms get a little sweaty. As I walked over to sit next to her, I was thinking in my head what I was going to say to her but nothing was coming to mind! Right before I sat down, something in my mind just told me to relax so I sat down and just said hi to her. She said hi back with a big smile on her face. When that happened, it was like a sun was beaming through clouds on a cloudy day. The rest of the project went well and I really got to know the girl.

Music serves as a sort of timeline in my life. Hearing certain songs will take me back to time in my life whether good or bad. Listening to music will help me never forget the memorable times in my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that are relevant to the story. Specifically, the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“One of my favorite songs right now is ‘Goodlife’ by Kanye West…..The first time I heard the song I was at a party that I was having fun at. The party was packed with people and we were all just having fun so the song perfectly captured the atmosphere of the event. Whenever I hear the song now, it takes me back to that fun night and it puts a smile on my face.”) Also, details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are adequately developed. (“Not only is that song is a favorite of mine but also ‘Sunshine’ by Lupe Fiasco. In this song, he raps about a girl that makes his day and has him doing things that he doesn't usually do. When I first heard this song, it reminded me of a time back in middle school when I had a crush on a girl.”) The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. (“As the teacher was calling out names, I was hoping that he wouldn't call out our names together but he did. When that happened, my heart almost stopped and I felt my palms get a little sweaty.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting while establishing action that holds readers’ attention. Details are used to reveal characters’ thoughts. In particular, adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the essay. (“Right before I sat down, something in my mind just told me to relax so I sat down and just said hi to her. She said hi back with a big smile on her face. When that happened, it was like a sun was beaming through clouds on a cloudy day. The rest of the project went well and I really got to know the girl.”) The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“I used to try to fix myself up and look nice whenever I'd see her. I would do things that I don't usually do like clean my shoes and fix up my hair when I didn't usually care about things like that. Lupe raps about having the same feelings for a girl the same way I had feelings for the girl I liked so that is why I could relate to it.”) There is adequate information about what happened during the event. (“As the party went on, more and more people started coming and then the DJ came and that's when all the fun started. The first song that the DJ played was ‘PYT’ by Micheal Jackson, which has a similar beat to ‘Goodlife.’ When I heard the song, the rhythm began to move throughout my body and I just had to dance.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The writer provides an adequate opening, and the story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The beginning includes adequate background information about the event. (“ The first time I heard the song I was at a party that I was having fun at. The party was packed with people and we were all just having fun so the song perfectly captured the atmosphere of the event. Whenever I hear the song now, it takes me back to that fun night and it puts a smile on my face.”) Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Another time that the songs take me back to was a graduation party…. Not only is that song is a favorite of mine but also ‘Sunshine’ by Lupe Fiasco.”) The beginning and ending are adequately connected. (“ Music serves as a sort of timeline in my life. Hearing certain songs will take me back to time in my life whether good or bad. Listening to music will help me never forget the memorable times in my life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ When I heard the song, the rhythm began to move throughout my body and I just had to dance. That song marked the beginning of the great night that I was going to experience.” ) Exact and specific words relating to the prompt task are used adequately. (“ One of my favorite songs right now is ‘Goodlife’ by Kanye West. The melody of the song is so joyous and jubilant that I can't help but smile when I hear it. The first time I heard the song I was at a party that I was having fun at.”) However, word choices are sometimes poor. (“Music helps me get through things, whether they be bad or good.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many paragraphs are distinguished by a line break, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“As the teacher was calling out names, I was hoping that he wouldn't call out our names together but he did. When that happened, my heart almost stopped and I felt my palms get a little sweaty. As I walked over to sit next to her, I was thinking in my head what I was going to say to her but nothing was coming to mind!”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have three meaningful songs. There is Barbie Girl by Aqua. We can't forget Wannabe by Spice Girls and Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas. These are all very good songs if I may say so myself.

Barbie Girl by Aqua reminds me of my friends but not all of them. There just like the songs says and I make fun of them for it. Nobody really remembers the song but it's good to sing if you need a good laugh. It's a favorite song of mine that I would sing it in public. What I like about this song is that every girl in their head really wants to be like that.

Wannabe by the Spice Girl man this was good in it time. Man this song is universal it really is like the really relationships in life. It has so much truth you really can't get with someone without being cool with their friends. That's just how it goes I don't know why but it does. Spice Girls had a lot of good songs but this is why they will be remembered.

Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas is my favorite song. It talks about the would and how bad it got. I think the song is right were did the love go, ya we have love but if you realy look at the world it wouldn't look that way to you. I used to think love was everyware but i started to think about all the people dying, war, and terriest. Then out of no where i here the song come out of the radio.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details within the essay may not be relevant to the story. In particular, the events in the narrative are not always consistent with the prompt task. (“Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas is my favorite song. It talks about the would and how bad it got. I think the song is right were did the love go, ya we have love but if you realy look at the world it wouldn't look that way to you.”) In the beginning, the purpose of the story is limited. (“I have three meaningful songs. There is Barbie Girl by Aqua. We can't forget Wannabe by Spice Girls and Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas. These are all very good songs if I may say so myself.”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Wannabe by the Spice Girl man this was good in it time. Man this song is universal it really is like the really relationships in life. It has so much truth you really can't get with someone without being cool with their friends.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits limited content and development. The writer provides semblance of a plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in response to the prompt. Tension or conflict is not developed. Dialogue is not used to reveal characters’ thoughts. The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“Barbie Girl by Aqua reminds me of my friends but not all of them. There just like the songs says and I make fun of them for it.”) The plot is limited. (“Nobody really remembers the song but it's good to sing if you need a good laugh. It's a favorite song of mine that I would sing it in public. What I like about this song is that every girl in their head really wants to be like that.”) Also, there is limited development about what happened before the main event. (“I used to think love was everyware but i started to think about all the people dying, war, and terriest. Then out of no where i here the song come out of the radio.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak. The essay does not provide an adequate sense of closure. The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ I have three meaningful songs. There is Barbie Girl by Aqua. We can't forget Wannabe by Spice Girls and Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas. These are all very good songs if I may say so myself.”) Events are sometimes not clearly in order. (“ Wannabe by the Spice Girl man this was good in it time. Man this song is universal it really is like the really relationships in life…. Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas is my favorite song.”) The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to teach readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the story. (“ I think the song is right were did the love go, ya we have love but if you realy look at the world it wouldn't look that way to you. I used to think love was everyware but i started to think about all the people dying, war, and terriest. Then out of no where i here the song come out of the radio.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits limited use of language and style. The essay demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. In particular, there are run-on portions in the story. (“ I think the song is right were did the love go, ya we have love but if you realy look at the world it wouldn't look that way to you.”) T ransitions are needed. (“ Wannabe by the Spice Girl man this was good in it time. Man this song is universal it really is like the really relationships in life…. Where is the love by Black Eyed Peas is my favorite song.”) Finally, the style is not formal. (“ I used to think love was everyware but i started to think about all the people dying, war, and terriest. Then out of no where i here the song come out of the radio.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter.

(“I think the song is right were did the love go, ya we have love but if you realy look at the world it wouldn't look that way to you. I used to think love was everyware but i started to think about all the people dying, war, and terriest. Then out of no where i here the song come out of the radio.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite songs are "Nieves de Enero" by Chalino Sanchez,"connected for life" by mac 10, and "You remind me" by Usher. I like those songs because they remind me of old times when I was smaller. They also bring back memories of a particular event.

I chose "Nieves de Enero" because it brings back a memory from when I was small. In that memory I was listening to it with my cousin and we were singing it on a karaoke. That day we has so much fun we sang and sang. All of my cousins were there and we took turns battling and singing against each other. That's why when ever I hear the song it reminds me of that awesome day. The second song is "connected for life". I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides description and details that may stray from the point of the narrative. The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. (“In that memory I was listening to it with my cousin and we were singing it on a karaoke. That day we has so much fun we sang and sang. All of my cousins were there and we took turns battling and singing against each other.”) In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“I like those songs because they remind me of old times when I was smaller. They also bring back memories of a particular event.”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“All of my cousins were there and we took turns battling and singing against each other. That's why when ever I hear the song it reminds me of that awesome day. The second song is ‘connected for life’. I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only briefly described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The essay does not contain dialogue in order to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“That day we has so much fun we sang and sang. All of my cousins were there and we took turns battling and singing against each other. That's why when ever I hear the song it reminds me of that awesome day.”) Dialogue is not used or developed. (“The second song is ‘connected for life’. I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”) There is little important information about what happened during the event. (“I chose ‘Nieves de Enero’ because it brings back a memory from when I was small. In that memory I was listening to it with my cousin and we were singing it on a karaoke.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. The essay demonstrates little evidence of an ending. Specifically, the story does not effectively grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ My favorite songs are ‘Nieves de Enero’ by Chalino Sanchez,‘connected for life’ by mac 10, and ‘You remind me’ by Usher. I like those songs because they remind me of old times when I was smaller. They also bring back memories of a particular event.”) The story does not demonstrate an effective ending. (“ The second song is ‘connected for life’. I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”) The beginning and the ending are only minimally connected. (“ My favorite songs are ‘Nieves de Enero’ by Chalino Sanchez,‘connected for life’ by mac 10, and ‘You remind me’ by Usher….. The second song is ‘connected for life’. I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, there are basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Specifically, there are run-on portions in the story. (“ That day we has so much fun we sang and sang.”)

The story uses the same group of words to begin sentences. (“ I chose ‘Nieves de Enero’ because it brings back a memory from when I was small. In that memory I was listening to it with my cousin and we were singing it on a karaoke….I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”) The style is not formal. (“ The second song is ‘connected for life’. I chose it becuase the first time I heard it was with my sister and she told me that song was her favorite.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The writer does not consistently compose sentences with a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“I chose ‘Nieves de Enero’ because it brings back a memory from when I was small. In that memory I was listening to it with my cousin and we were singing it on a karaoke. That day we has so much fun we sang and sang. All of my cousins were there and we took turns battling and singing against each other.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits inadequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. For example, the audience for the story is not clear, the purpose of the story is not clearly stated, and all parts of the story do not relate to the main event. (“well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains inadequate content and development. The essay lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but are not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. Specifically, the setting is not developed in detail, the characters are not developed in detail, and there is no dialogue. (“well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.”)

Organization

This essay contains inadequate or no organization. The story lacks basic organization with serious gaps in sequencing brief ideas. The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning, the beginning does not include background information about the event, and the story does not demonstrate an effective ending. (“well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story, exact words are missing, and the style is not formal. (“well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. In particular, the writer needs to make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent new paragraphs, and follow capitalization conventions. (“well one song would be bob marley could you be loved. my ex girlfriend and i were listening to it on our 2 year anniversery and she was like this song remind her of me. ever since then every time i hear that song it reminds me of her i miss her so much i cant wait to see her this summer. im going to show up at her house and have that song playing loud in my car.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Memorable Childhood Event

Think of a childhood event that you remember vividly. It might be the first time you rode on a school bus, the day you played in an important Little League game, the day you learned to ride a bike, or another memorable event. Write a story telling about the event. Describe what happened and explain why it was so memorable. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so they can picture it in their mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was so excited for my 6 year old birthday party. I was especially excited for my Auntie Donna to come over for the party, because she always gave me the best presents.

My little friends started to arrive at about 12:00 on that sunny and warm Saturday. As I opened the door to let them in, I could feel the sun piercing my skin with such a lovely warmth.

"Karli look what I got you! Look it is a barbie! Do you like it?" She was holding the party bag it was in wide open for my eyes to behold. A devastating moment for a 6 year old, to hear and see her present announced before she could open it.

"NO! Do not tell me what it is! I want it to be a surprise! You are such a mean friend!" I snatched my present from her hands and marched to the table to place it elegantly next to the others. I looked back and gave her a stare of total resentment. How could she, of all the stupid things to do at a party, show me my present before I could open it?

At that moment my mom brought the cake out. A squeaky roar of applause and gratitude exploded from twelve tiny 6 year olds, and all hatred was forgotten. The cake looked delectable to all of our eyes. Not one eye was focused on anything else. I wanted to touch it, to taste it, to gobble the whole thing up. It was pink and had two layers. There was a pretty princess on top mocking us as she gloated over being able to touch the cake, while we had to stare on in jealousy.

"Come on, let's go wait for Auntie Donna to get here so we she can play games with us too." Groans came from us all as we had to forcibly leave the cake under command of my mom.

"Everyone smile and wave for the camera! And tell the camera your name." My dad went around our little circle on the floor interviewing each of my friends. "And what is your name? And how old are you?"

"Bwandi. I am 7," her voice was barely audible. She slouched slightly because she was afraid of the camera.

*Ding Dong* "Auntie Donna! Auntie Donna!" I jumped up as fast as I could to greet her at the door. She came in, towering above me with long black hair and pale skin.

"Karli Marley! Happy 6th birthday! You are getting so big!"

"I know, and I can't even believe how tall you are getting Auntie. You are a giant!" She laughed a loud high pitched laugh that sort of hurt my ears.

"Yes... there... is... a..... TICKLE! YES THERE IS A TICKLE!" I burst into a monstrous fit of giggles as she did her traditional chant, and tickled me until I couldn't breath anymore. I loved when she did this because it made me so happy.

"Stop it Auntie! Stop!" My loud laughter attracted my friends to come watch. Finally she stopped and scooped me up, carried me to the couch, and plopped me down.

"Time for presents! Can we open presents now mommy! Auntie Donna? Where is your present?" I started to get a sinking feeling cause I had thought she hadn't brought me one.

"It is in the car. I left it there. I will go get it."

She came back five minutes later and said with a solemn tone, "I can't find it. I must have left it at my house. Karli Marley, I am sorry, I will be back in about twenty minutes okay?" She smiled and patted, patted my head, and left through the door.

"Okay kids, let's play Duck Duck Goose while we wait for her to come back! And the last person in the pot gets a prize!" my mom hustled all of us into a circle in the middle of the room. We sat down and my mom said again, "Who wants to be it first?"

"ME! I DO!" my friend Cory shouted and lept up to start hitting our heads. "Duck, Duck , Duck, Duck, Duck...." and on he went with his 'ducks' until finally, nearly five minutes later, "GOOSE!" Around and around Ashley chased Cory until she caught him and put him in the middle of the circle, or the 'pot'.

Twenty minutes had passed and Brittany and Chelsie were the only ones who didn't get in the 'pot', so they got a prize. We were having so much fun looking at their prizes, that we didn't realize that Auntie Donna had come in with her present.

But something was wrong. Her present wasn't big this time. I wanted to see a pretty bow on top of a big, elegantly wrapped box. Instead, it was in a small, simple gift bag.

I wanted to save Auntie's gift until last, as always. So I opened the presents from my friends hurriedly and excitedly. All around me were Barbies, Polly Pockets, make-up kits, and all sorts of girly things.

The time had come to open Auntie Donna's present. All eyes were on me, and the camera was rolling. I peered in the bag. It was something yellow. I reached in and pulled out a... cup. A cup? What kind of lame gift is a cup? In the shape of Simba's head from Lion King, and small enough for a new born to hold, I gazed at the cup wondering if this was a joke.

"Do you like it Karli Marley? Isn't it cute? I know you like that movie, so I got you a pretty cup!" I smiled and tried to nod gleefully, and I guess I did a good job of it, because she seemed pleased that I was pleased and she leaned back on the couch.

On this day, I thought that the end of my toy-playing days had ended. My friends left, Auntie Donna left, and I was left pondering about my cup. I felt vandalized at this boring and pointless gift. What use did a 6 year old have with a cup? I put my cup on display and pretended to like it, as I played intently with my other toys that were useful to me.

I still have this cup today, but now I like the cup. It is fun to drink out of because of it's cool shape. I am glad that I am no longer young because I can now learn to appreciate things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is an interesting essay that presents the reader with a touching controlling idea. Describing a birthday party, the author builds the reader’s anticipation about the gift to be given by the author’s aunt, and then dramatically reveals the true gift, a simple cup. Was this event memorable because the author was so disappointed by the gift or because the author was able to hide his/her true reaction to it? No, the author suggests that the true meaning of this event was only appreciated later in life (“I still have this cup today, but now I like the cup. It is fun to drink out of because of it's cool shape. I am glad that I am no longer young because I can now learn to appreciate things.”). The meaning of this essay is complex and suggests that the author has come to understand its true significance now that s/he is older. This essay is complete and clearly goes beyond the limits of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author is very detailed in many of the descriptions that form this narrative. This level of development is seen, for example, in the author’s description of the birthday cake (“I wanted to touch it, to taste it, to gobble the whole thing up. It was pink and had two layers. There was a pretty princess on top mocking us as she gloated over being able to touch the cake, while we had to stare on in jealousy”) and the behavior of the children at the party (“A squeaky roar of applause and gratitude exploded from twelve tiny 6 year olds”). Overall, the author’s development is vivid and creative.

Organization

The organizational scheme followed by the author is chronological, flowing as the time passes during the party. There are many short paragraphs limited by the kids’ activities or dialogue, making the narrative appear to be choppy. But the paragraphs are essentially correct and well ordered. The introduction adequately introduces the action to follow (“I was especially excited for my Auntie Donna to come over for the party, because she always gave me the best presents”), and the conclusion sums up the meaning of this event for the author (“I am glad that I am no longer young because I can now learn to appreciate things”). Transitional devices are present to help the reader flow through the events described by the author.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is expressive and descriptive, and serves to create a vivid image of this party for the reader (“As I opened the door to let them in, I could feel the sun piercing my skin with such a lovely warmth,” “I burst into a monstrous fit of giggles as she did her traditional chant, and tickled me until I couldn't breath anymore,” and “But something was wrong. Her present wasn't big this time. I wanted to see a pretty bow on top of a big, elegantly wrapped box. Instead, it was in a small, simple gift bag”). The author chooses words and structures sentences well and displays a well-defined voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, mechanics, spelling, or punctuation can be detected in this response that might interfere with the reader’s enjoyment of the narrative. The author appears particularly adept at handling the complex dialogue among the children.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The long drive up to Big Bear was almost as boring as the golf channel. I was anxious to get there so the trip seemed almost twice as long. When we finally arrived to the snow-covered cabin after what seemed like an eternity, my tired family and I went into the cabin to start our fun filled two-day vacation. We were with my Aunt and a couple of my older cousins. They were the entire reason that we were going on this fabulous trip in the first place.

That night had to be one of the longest days of my entire short life. The wind was howling like a werewolf on a full moon and the stiff springs in the bed was like sleeping on a bed of nails. I was so excited about what was going to happen the next day that I got no more than three agonizing hours of sleep total that long first night up in the mountains.

When the morning sun finally shone through the foggy windows I was out of that bed of nails faster than a gazelle being chased by a lion. Today was the day that we all were going to hit the powder covered slopes for a fun day of snowboarding. It was my first time so my little brother and I had to take lessons.

The dinky corner where the lessons took place was smaller than a baby smurf. It was so small that by the time you were up to full speed you already to the other side of the area. Their were a ton of little kids that were goofing around while I was actually trying to learn. We were so crowded that all the kids trying to ski were bumping into the kids trying to listen to their instructors. In the small area were some flags that we were supposed to weave in and out of. To get up to the top of the very non steep hill, you had to be dragged (and I mean literally dragged) up by a miniature ski lift thing.

When the very boring class was finally over, I was able to go onto one of the ski runs. It was really high up and I didn't want to fall so I waited a while. Suddenly right as I was ready to go, I saw this handicapped man fall hard into the snow. That really made me want to go. Then with one swift push from my dad and I was off. The sun was gleaming down on me, the wind was rushing through my hair, then before I knew it my face was buried into the snow. It hurt pretty bad so I just sat there for a couple minutes before I was ready to finish the run.

When I finally reached the bottom, my dad and little brother were there waiting for me. That ride did me in and I was more than ready to get back to the cabin and have a nice hot cup of hot chocolate. Back at the cabin my mom was so excited to see that we still had all of our limbs. She had twisted her ankle really bad and had thrown in the towel a little early. But that didn't stop her from having a good time. That night we all sang songs as my Uncle Dave played the guitar. It was the perfect end to a not so perfect vacation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author sets out to describe his/her first experience snowboarding. Being largely successful at this task, the author initiates and develops a clear controlling idea (“The long drive up to Big Bear was almost as boring as the golf channel. I was anxious to get there so the trip seemed almost twice as long”) and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt.

Content & Development

This author has, with notable success, tried to use a series of metaphors to enhance his/her description of the long night prior to the ski adventure and events on the ski slope (“When the morning sun finally shone through the foggy windows I was out of that bed of nails faster than a gazelle being chased by a lion” and “The dinky corner where the lessons took place was smaller than a baby smurf”). Otherwise, the author supplies a sufficient amount of details to support the narrative presented.

Organization

This essay shows good organizational skills on the part of the author. The introduction and conclusion are clear and aptly discuss the author’s central theme (“That night we all sang songs as my Uncle Dave played the guitar. It was the perfect end to a not so perfect vacation”). The body paragraphs are precisely ordered around key events that arise during the day.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is appropriate for this assignment. It is clear that the author is consciously attempting to improve his/her use of vocabulary by inserting descriptive words into the narrative (“When the very boring class was finally over, I was able to go onto one of the ski runs”), although some simple sentences remain (“It hurt pretty bad so I just sat there for a couple minutes before I was ready to finish the run”). Still, the essay is addressed properly to the right audience and there are few obvious errors in word choice and sentence construction.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author displays a strong control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, allowing few errors in grammar, mechanics (“Their were a ton of little kids” and “Then with one swift push from my dad and I was off”), punctuation, and spelling to interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was a little kid, I always did some danger and strange things. So my parents worried about me a lot. And I often made them very angry. Now you know how mischievous I was. Today, I would like to tell you what I did at my uncle's house, and this is also the deepest impression of my childhood.

Before I went to the kindergarten, I usually stayed in my uncle's house. Both of my parents have a full time job, so they have no time to take care of me. So my Mom asked my aunt who is a kind person to look after me. She never gets mad at me. Sometimes she bought toys for me and made me feel happy. There is a pond in the center of my uncle's big house. Two of his dogs are friendly to the strangers and always running in the yard. And a bird cave is hanging on a tree. It is always singing in the morning and call my uncle to wake up. And there is a huge coconut tree on the corner of the tree.

One day, my mom left me in my uncle's house. I was very boring since I had nothing to do. So I went to the yard and played with two dogs for a while. After that, I went to feed the fish. I stood on the edge of the pond. Suddenly, I stumbled by a stone. And I fell into the pond which is very deep that I could not reach the bottom. At first, I thought I could swim to the shore, but the water was too cold that I got cramp. I yelled loudly for help, but no one came to me. Finally I passed out. As I woke up again, I was lying on the sofa and felt very dizzy. My aunt told me "If I did not hear you, maybe you could not see us anymore." Since then, I do not like approach the water for a long time. And my parents ask me to go swim, I am to scared and cry to say no. I even did not like to drink water. Sometimes I dream that I was drowned. It was a nightmare.

This accident is still in my mind, and it happened because of my careless. I earn a very important lesson from this accident. Now, I try to be careful on anytime and at anywhere. Otherwise, any unfortunately things could happen to me again. I really do not want to lose my life one-more time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is a truly terrifying story, and one that adequately addresses the purpose and audience of the writing prompt. The author has written a complete story that communicates an interesting central theme and important warning to the reader (“Today, I would like to tell you what I did at my uncle's house, and this is also the deepest impression of my childhood”). With more effort, the meaning and value of this story could be expanded, yet as it is, it adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author expends some time helping the reader visualize the main character’s youthful mischievousness and the reason s/he was visiting the uncle. The author then details the true impact of this story (“At first, I thought I could swim to the shore, but the water was too cold that I got cramp. I yelled loudly for help, but no one came to me. Finally I passed out. As I woke up again, I was lying on the sofa and felt very dizzy”). Finally, the author describes how s/he feels about the situation today (“I even did not like to drink water. Sometimes I dream that I was drowned. It was a nightmare”). All in all, enough details are supplied to allow the reader to truly appreciate this author’s tale.

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The introduction sets the stage for the reader and the body paragraphs are tightly organized and flow logically from one to the next. The conclusion aptly summarizes the author’s point and leaves the reader with an important lesson (“Now, I try to be careful on anytime and at anywhere. Otherwise, any unfortunately things could happen to me again. I really do not want to lose my life one-more time”).

Language Use & Style

One of the author’s biggest challenges is his/her ability to correctly craft sentences. While the level of language is generally appropriate for this audience, the author makes many errors in basic sentence structure. These errors do not make it hard for the reader to understand the essay, but they do blunt the overall impact of the essay (“And there is a huge coconut tree on the corner of the tree” and ”Two of his dogs are friendly to the strangers and always running in the yard”).

Mechanics & Conventions

As noted, the author has written many poorly structured sentences, which contain errors in grammar (“When I was a little kid, I always did some danger and strange things”), mechanics (“And my parents ask me to go swim, I am to scared and cry to say no”), punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My most memorable childhood event is when i first got my first bike. That day i was out side with my friends. I was using my little skate board. My friends had some old rusty bikes but i had a skateboard. I was cool with it, but my dad said we are leaving to the store lets go.

That day we went to Kmart. We were looking at the movies. my dad bought my Sisters a movie. Then we were cheking the bikes. My dad told me which one do i like. When i picked it i started using it. I was very happy i had the best bike there. I still have the bike but i is verry old and durty.

after i got the bike it was cool. we go with my dad to a lot of places. we actually went with my cousins. We went with them to places far. it was very cool. My cousins had mountain bikes i had a smaller bike. I have always apreshiate what my parents get me.

I know that my parents work hard to get what i have. There are things that i know i cant get. That bike i still have it i dont use it but i want to keep it. My mom wants to trow it away but i put it back inthe garage. That bike is kind of special because it is the first one that i ever got.

I am hoping to keep that bike for a verry long time. It is probably not worth a lot but i dont care. I will clean it and fix the flat tires and keep it. I still remember when i got it and went to places with my dad and cousins. I hve had five bikes and i still have them two of them are all apart and three of them i still use them. I use one every weekend. It is my most memorable event because it was when i first got something that you could use a lot. I did fall in it a lot of times but then it was cool. That is why it is all scratch.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay only partially communicates a complete message to the intended audience. The author establishes an appropriate controlling idea and remains focused on it (“My mom wants to trow it away but i put it back inthe garage. That bike is kind of special because it is the first one that i ever got”), but is unable to sufficiently develop a narrative that creatively and vividly weaves this idea into a story that the reader can appreciate.

Content & Development

The author seeks to describe the purchase of a new bike as a significant childhood event, but is only partially successful in doing so. The author has little to say about the new bike, such as what it looked like or how it was used (“I was very happy i had the best bike there” and “we go with my dad to a lot of places”). Ultimately, there is little imagery that the reader can take away from this insufficiently detailed essay.

Organization

There is some sense of organization in this essay. The author begins with a simple introduction that clearly states the main theme (“My most memorable childhood event is when i first got my first bike”) and ends with two paragraphs that form a somewhat confused conclusion (“My mom wants to trow it away but i put it back inthe garage. That bike is kind of special because it is the first one that i ever got”). The body paragraphs are generally organized but lack transitional devices that could ease the reader from one idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

This author’s use of language is poor. The words used are often simple, and a number of serious errors in word choice and sentence structure are evident (“Then we were cheking the bikes. My dad told me which one do i like. When i picked it i started using it. I was very happy i had the best bike there. I still have the bike but i is verry old and durty” and “We went with them to places far”). While the author addresses the proper audience, the author’s inability to effectively manage the English language in this essay inhibits his/her ability to create an interesting and detailed narrative.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is severely limited. Significant errors in grammar (“My dad told me which one do i like”), mechanics, punctuation (“My cousins had mountain bikes i had a smaller bike”), and spelling (“cheking” and “apreshiate”) undoubtedly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

My child hood event is when my brother had a party and we were putting on a show for them and I tripped my brother and he fell super hard on his forehead and made a big gash and blood was squirting everwhere everyone was crying my brother was uncontious and my mom was calling the ambulance, and all that was going on while I was cleaning and crying all the blood away. He went to the hospital and they gave him medication and he woke up and his head was all numb and they gave him twenty-five stitches. Then he came home and tried swinging at me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is likely this author does not fully understand the purpose of this writing prompt. While suggesting a controlling theme (“My child hood event is when my brother had a party”), the author fails to create a truly engaging narrative story or convey the importance of this event to the reader. With little understanding of the purpose and audience, the author is unable to fully complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Little effort has been made in this response to support a central theme. The author describes, albeit inadequately, the brother’s injury, but no details are given to help the reader visualize the party or understand the importance of the event to the author.

Organization

Crammed into a single paragraph, this story shows no evidence of a unified organizational scheme. No identifiable introduction or conclusion, which are necessary to help the reader appreciate the author’s theme, can be detected, nor have any transitional devices been used to help the reader glide from one idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of word choice is simple in itself, although it is mostly appropriate considering the audience. The key problem with the language style is the author’s inability to craft complete, orderly sentences. Moreover, the final sentence (“Then he came home and tried swinging at me”) is juvenile and has no place in a prompt such as this.

Mechanics & Conventions

This example of writing does not conform to conventions and mechanics of writing. The first sentence comprises about half of the essay. A run-on sentence, it exhibits a number of errors in grammar, mechanics, and punctuation. Several spelling errors are also evident (“uncontious”). These mistakes in mechanics further detract from what is already a sparsely developed essay.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A memeory of childhood is not very much but 1 thing is riding my bike and my brother fell when I jumped off my bike and hit him with the bike. Another thing is when I had a big bag of fireworks and hit a tramp then the firework hit a window and cought a curtin on fire. It was fun.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is likely that this author does not have much understanding of the purpose and audience of this task. The author has listed two events from his/her childhood but makes no attempt to create a narrative story around them. Moreover, one of the events listed by the author (“when I had a big bag of fireworks and hit a tramp then the firework hit a window and cought a curtin on fire. It was fun”) is described in a flippant and inappropriate manner. Thus, the author completes no part of the assigned task.

Content & Development

No details whatsoever are provided by the author to describe or support the two events that are listed. It is impossible for the reader to know what these events were like for the author or why they were important.

Organization

There is no evidence of organization or a logical and meaningful progression of ideas in this essay. The author has simply listed two possible events for the reader.

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is inadequate for this task. Often unclear or incoherent, the author commits numerous errors in sentence structure and word choice in this very short response (“A memeory of childhood is not very much but 1 thing is riding my bike and my brother fell when I jumped off my bike and hit him with the bike”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Even in the space of the three sentences the author has written, major errors in grammar, mechanics (“Another thing is when I had a big bag of fireworks and hit a tramp then the firework hit a window and cought a curtin on fire.”), punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

An Important Change

Think of a time in your life when something important changed. You may have moved to a new home, changed schools, or had neighbors move away, for example, or a local business may have closed its doors. Write a narrative telling what happened when something important changed and how you felt about the changes that occurred.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The late summer breeze that smells of fall danced around my face and whispered in my ear. I took a deep breath as I walked up the street towards my house. The summer sun was sinking slowly into its nightly hiding place behind the mountains turning the blanket of clouds into a bright pink and purple glow. School had been in session for almost a month now. I was in ninth grade, the first year since sixth grade that I had not gone to school with my brother. Things were different now. I felt like I could finally take care of myself instead of having my brother around all the time telling my guy friends to back off before he beat them to a pulp. But in a way, I missed my brother. Sighing, I looked up to see I was almost to my house. My dad and brother were standing outside talking. Kyle was looking down at his feet his arms folded and shoulders slumped. My dad was looking at him, but I couldn't tell whether or not he was mad. As I got closer, I could hear my dad talking in a low voice that us children only heard when we were in trouble and he was disappointed. My stomach clenched slightly as my dad, who had stopped talking as he heard my footsteps approaching, looked at me. His face, although calm in appearance, twitched with annoyance and I walked up the steps towards the front door. I smiled slightly as I walked into the house.

"Anna?" a female voice said from the kitchen.

"Yeah." I said while shutting the door and walking up the stairs.

"Are you hungry?" the voice sounding above me.

I looked up to glance at the face of my mom. Her face was lined with the marks that years of worry and stress leave from raising children. In her eyes there was a look of deep worry and sadness that made me quickly look at my feet.

"No. I'm ok. But thanks." I replied giving her a thin lipped smile. "I ate over at Destiny's house."

She nodded and then turned back into the kitchen. Even though I hadn't been home all day, I could tell something wasn't right. Shaking my head, I continued up the stairs before turning down the hallway leading to my room.

A few hours later, sitting on my bed and writing my thoughts, my dad walked into my room.

"Anna, can I talk to you for a minute?"

I looked up into his face, his eyes slightly red and bulged. "Yeah. What's up?"

He sat on my bed and studied my face a second before looking at his hands. My heart was pounding and my stomach was clenched uncomfortably as he continued to look at his hands.

"Anna, we are having a bit of a problem." He said raising his head.

I looked at his face trying to catch his eye or see if I could find anything in the features of my dad's face. But in the usual soft features his expression was blank.

He turned to look at me before grabbing my hands in his.

"Anna you know that we have been having some trouble with your brother. And I know that you have been hearing me and your mother talk about certain alternatives for your brother to keep him safe. To keep him out of the laws hands. " I looked at my dad, my heart starting to pound.

I had heard them talk about this multiple times. Sometimes I would lay awake at night listening to them trying to figure out what to do or things they should start to do to see if it would help my brother. Lately they had been leaning towards one idea, an idea that I didn't like. An idea that my dad might be telling me about right now.

"Well," my dad swallowed, "your mom and I think it would be best if we sent Kyle away for a while. He would be living up in Salt Lake in a group home with boys that are all having the same problems as him."

A lump was growing in my throat and my vision started to swim. My dad was still talking but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. I was trapped in my own thoughts of hows and whys.

"He is going up there on Thursday during school. Your mom and I are going to take him around 1 o' clock or 1:30." My dad said looking at me. I pulled my hands away and stood up looking down at him. Words that were trying to burst free from my mind died as they reached my throat.

"Anna, I understand this is hard for you. He's your closest brother and he's always been there for you, but you have to understand that this is for the best. Everything will be fine."

Before he could finish his sentence, before I knew what I was doing, I was running down the hallway and jumping down the stairs before ripping open the door and running outside.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I ran away from my house. Where I was planng on going, not even I knew. I just let my legs carry me to wherever they saw fit to run. Everything was flashing in my mind. But the one things that seemed to keep popping up was the fact that he was being sent away.

I stumbled over a rock and feel to my knees. Feeling nothing I jumped back up and started running. I could hear my dad yelling for me in the background, I ignored it and ran faster.

As time went on, I continued to run until I thought my chest would burst, even then I continued to run until finally I fell onto my knees panting and crying. It had grown dark while I had been running, stars peeked down at me from their resting place in the sky.

Looking around me, I could see I was at my favorite child hood hiding place. There to the side of me was a tree fort that my brothers and some of the other neighborhood boys had all built together. I stood up and walked towards the tree recognizing the familiar foot holds and hand holds. Scurrying up the tree, I climbed all the way to the top and sat at the platform that the boys had called the "Royal Perch". It only being allowed for the older boys, I remembered my brother Kyle and I always fighting over this spot. I sat on the board and looked out over the canal that reflected the lights from the houses above it.

It was already my first year without my brother being in my same school, but now it was going to be the first time without my brother being home. I didn't know what I was going to do. He was the only person I could go to when I needed help with something that no one else would understand or something that my parents would be mad about. Slowly the tears started to fall once more as the wind tickled the leaves making them dance, it had just hit me, I was alone.

Thursday came and the bell for dismissal rang throughout the school. Slowly walking back to my empty house, back to where it would be only me and my little brother.

As I walked in the front door, my dad stood waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I looked up at him and forcing a small smile walked up the stairs where he encircled me in a tight hug. I could feel the tears of my dad fall onto my head.

"Everything will be ok Anna. Everything will be ok."

Later that day I sat alone in my room staring at my ceiling. I knew things were going to be different without my brother. But my dad said that when the home thinks that Kyle is ready, they would allow us to go up and visit him. Feeling a lot better knowing that I could still visit him, I only hoped they'd let me visit him soon. Maybe Kyle going to a home would be better. Maybe he would change and everything would go back to normal and that with Kyle gone, my parents would be able to relax not having to worry about what he was doing all the time. And plus, some more good came out of his being gone, I got his TV and VCR. I smiled to myself before flipping it on. Things had changed, but some good had come out of it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the student discusses the time she was forced to deal with the fact that her favorite brother was going to be leaving the family for a while. While the events themselves are described, the author’s key focus in this story is on her own mindset during this difficult yet important change. Demonstrating a sophisticated understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, the author truly goes beyond the limits of this task.

Content & Development

In the plot, the author describes in thorough detail the setting, plot, and characters. For example, the writer describes was she sees, smells, and experiences the day she finds out that her parents have decided to seek an alternative environment for her brother. (“The late summer breeze that smells of fall danced around my face and whispered in my ear. I took a deep breath as I walked up the street towards my house. The summer sun was sinking slowly into its nightly hiding place behind the mountains turning the blanket of clouds into a bright pink and purple glow”) The author goes into particular detail when describing her distressed reaction to the news. (“Tears streamed down my cheeks as I ran away from my house. Where I was planning on going, not even I knew. I just let my legs carry me to wherever they saw fit to run. Everything was flashing in my mind”).

Organization

The author captures the reader’s attention by subtly describing the setting, giving just enough information to make the audience want to keep reading. The story flows smoothly due to the writer’s appropriate use of transitional devices (“As time went on” and “Later that day”). The concluding paragraph effectively pulls the entire story together. (“But my dad said that when the home thinks that Kyle is ready, they would allow us to go up and visit him. Feeling a lot better knowing that I could still visit him, I only hoped they'd let me visit him soon. Maybe Kyle going to a home would be better. Maybe he would change and everything would go back to normal and that with Kyle gone, my parents would be able to relax not having to worry about what he was doing all the time.“)

Language Use & Style

The author uses language precisely and effectively in this story. Sentences are well-structured and varied, and word choice is sophisticated. (“Scurrying up the tree, I climbed all the way to the top and sat at the platform that the boys had called the ‘Royal Perch’. It only being allowed for the older boys, I remembered my brother Kyle and I always fighting over this spot. I sat on the board and looked out over the canal that reflected the lights from the houses above it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Although there are a few errors in grammar (“But the one things that”), punctuation, and spelling, they are quite minor and do not detract from the author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

An important change in my life was when I moved to Utah , from California . I was expecting to live in California till the day I died; but sometimes we all get hit with those unexpected curve balls in life. This move was a really hard step for me. Their is more to moving then packing up boxes; I learned that the hard way. The worst and most uncomfortable part is that I had done the whole moving thing already, and I did not want to go through it again. I had everything going so smoothly for once in my life. Then, this had to happen.

Life in California had finally been fitting into place; I had best friends forever since second grade and they looked up to me. I had relatives not to far away; we saw them often. Everything was just the way I wanted it to be; my life was perfect. Then, my parents' got us together and told us that we were going to move to Utah . I was speechless, shocked, and frustrated with my parents decision. How could I respond to such a change in my life? I was about to go into high school and now they took away my friends, my junior high graduation party, and my comfortable environment that took years to create. I did not like the messy situation my parents put me in. This would be my first "stepping-out -of-the-box" experience.

So we packed everything up, said our sorrowful good-buys, and left the old shack that we have lived in for eight and a half years. I not want to leave, but I also did not want to leave our house in the hands of the witch. This woman wanted everything possibly done to our house. She wanted everything new: garage door, swimming pool pump and filter, and a new interior in the garage. The worst part was we had to pay for it. But once we left I was homesick, I did not even know how this new house looked. Only Mom and Dad knew. So after the twelve-hour drive we were there standing in front of a two-story beauty.

Lots of people from our neighborhood came and helped us move in. It was great. We also got to see our cousins from Utah and now they live only twenty-minutes away. I was really happy about being close to relatives, especially them, because we used to see them once every two years, if that. That helped me get through the rest. When I say the rest I mean the rude people that would not even try to be my friends. I had no one. I got gruff looks from almost everyone. They all looked at me as If I was their worst enemy. Some nights I would cry my self to sleep. I tried so desperately hard not to mope and sulk about my situation, but everyone I said "Hi!" to turned their noses up in the sky and looked at me as a pathetic worthless child. The rest of that school year was the worst of my life. I felt as out of place as a starfish in the forest. I was also invisible to everyone, even teachers.

The next year was much better! I found some great people to be my really good friend. We had a fun group and hung out all the time. My best friend, Amy, she is very smart and helped me get through my worst class, English. All-in-all, I was better off. I could not see that at first, but now I would not have it any other way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the student writes a detailed composition describing his/her move from California to Utah . The author establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea (“An important change in my life was when I moved to Utah from California . I was expecting to live in California till the day I died; but sometimes we all get hit with those unexpected curve balls in life.”), demonstrating a strong understanding of the purpose and audience of the writing prompt and completing the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this narrative, the author describes in detail the stresses and anxieties associated with moving from one place to another. The essay has a well-developed plot and setting. (“Life in California had finally been fitting into place; I had best friends forever since second grade and they looked up to me. I had relatives not to far away; we saw them often. Everything was just the way I wanted it to be; my life was perfect.”) The author does a good job revealing the inner thoughts and feelings of the main character. (“I was speechless, shocked, and frustrated with my parents decision. How could I respond to such a change in my life? I was about to go into high school and now they took away my friends, my junior high graduation party, and my comfortable environment that took years to create. I did not like the messy situation my parents put me in. This would be my first "stepping-out -of-the-box" experience.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates a solid organizational structure. The introductory paragraph does a good job of gaining the reader’s attention. (“This move was a really hard step for me. Their is more to moving then packing up boxes; I learned that the hard way.”) The story flows smoothly through the use of transitional devices (“Then”, “So after”, and “All-in-all”). The conclusion appropriately provides the reader with a sense of completion. (“The next year was much better! I found some great people to be my really good friend. We had a fun group and hung out all the time. My best friend, Amy, she is very smart and helped me get through my worst class, English.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is appropriate for this task. The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and uses well-structured sentences with some variety. (“Some nights I would cry my self to sleep. I tried so desperately hard not to mope and sulk about my situation, but everyone I said "Hi!" to turned their noses up in the sky and looked at me as a pathetic worthless child.”) Some evidence of voice is also noticeable throughout the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the author maintains good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. While a few errors in grammar (“Their is more to moving then packing up boxes”), punctuation (“my parents decision”), and spelling (“sorrowful good-buys “) are noticeable, they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ms. Jones was the best teacher I ever had. Her move out of state changed my life for the good and bad. Ms. J was my seveth and eighth grade teacher at middle school, who helped me with my school work, personal life, and she was the person who was awesome to be around.

Ms. J's move caused me to question my ability to really accomplish my academic challenges in high school. She was the one who showed me that the only thing that matters is if I tried and gave it my all. In doing this I can accomplish anything. Even though she is not here for me to see her everyday, those words run through my head when I am faced with difficulty. The change of not having her here allowed me to show her that I am doing great and I am living up to the best of my abilities.

During my 8th grade year alot of changes began to happen and she was there for me wether the problems were with my parents, friends, or basketball. She never let me down, even though the things she said I didn't always agree with. Her leaving gave me the challenge of looking at situations in her point of view. I had to find out that even though times are ruff there will always be someone there for me to talk to. I know now that I have more positive options then negative ones.

Playing basketball, listening to music, and seeing movies, are things I love to do with my friends. The best characteristics about Ms. J are the same as mine in many ways. It was great to have her play basketball with me and later be one of my coaches for our school team. She always made me laugh when she tried to do a difficult move. Her leaving changed me because I want to show her that all her conditioning payed of by making Varsity girls basketball.

Here leaving changed me for good reasons, but it doesn't mean I don't miss her. She will always be with me no matter where life takes me. She is the reason why I have grown academically, and personally. With this being accomplished change isn't always doomed for the worse.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the student discusses the challenges she faced when her favorite teacher moved away. The author establishes a focused controlling idea (“Ms. Jones was the best teacher I ever had. Her move out of state changed my life for the good and bad”) and provides a basic understanding of the task, purpose, and intended audience. Overall, this is an adequate response to the assigned prompt.

Content & Development

The plot and setting of this story are reasonably developed. The student described is quite believable in her emotional struggles. (“Ms. J's move caused me to question my ability to really accomplish my academic challenges in high school. She was the one who showed me that the only thing that matters is if I tried and gave it my all.”) The story could be improved, however, with dialogue and greater description.

Organization

This narrative is adequately organized. The opening is interesting and tries to grab the reader’s attention (“Ms. Jones was the best teacher I ever had. Her move out of state changed my life for the good and bad”). For the most part, the body flows smoothly from one event to another through the use of transitions that support sequential development (“During my 8th grade year”). The conclusion is thoughtful and appropriate. (“She will always be with me no matter where life takes me. She is the reason why I have grown academically, and personally.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is not particularly descriptive, although it adequately meets the needs of this writing task. Sentences are well-structured and word choice is suitable. (“Even though she is not here for me to see her everyday, those words run through my head when I am faced with difficulty. The change of not having her here allowed me to show her that I am doing great and I am living up to the best of my abilities.”) Throughout the story, the author addresses the intended audience in a manner that is appropriate and mature.

Mechanics & Conventions

While some errors in grammar (“a lot”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“seveth”, “wether”, and “ruff”) are obvious, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I rmember when I was in third grade. I lived in Nicetown with my mom, dad, two brothers, and my sister. My brother and i went to school one day, while me other two siblings stayed home because they were too young to go be in school. We got home one day and I went inside and noticed there were boxes in my living room filled with all of my dad's belongngs. My brother and I didn't know what was going on. I went into the kitchen where my mother was and I asked her why all of dad's things were in boxes and she said that he was moving out. She said that the reason why he was moving out is because they fight way too much and they need time apart.

A month went by and my dad moved out. He lived down the street from us. That ment that we could go and see him when ever we wanted to. About three months after that my mom interduced us to her "guy friend." He was nice to us.

Then after my brother and I finished the school year we moved back to our home town. My mother's boyfriend moved in with us. My dad still lived in Nicetown. We went to see him every weekend. Everything trued out to be okay and everyone was happy the way that things happened.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author of this story seeks to describe a change s/he experienced in his/her living arrangements. While the essay remains clearly focused on a germane issue, the author is unable to devise a complete narrative for the intended audience (“I went into the kitchen where my mother was and I asked her why all of dad's things were in boxes and she said that he was moving out. She said that the reason why he was moving out is because they fight way too much and they need time apart”). In the end, the assigned task remains partially incomplete.

Content & Development

The plot and setting of this story are only partially developed by the author. Too little information is provided about events leading up to the change, the experiences of the characters during the change, and the events that transpired after the change (“Then after my brother and I finished the school year we moved back to our home town. My mother's boyfriend moved in with us. My dad still lived in Nicetown. We went to see him every weekend. Everything trued out to be okay and everyone was happy the way that things happened”). Thus, it can be said that this story lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what actually happened.

Organization

The organizational scheme devised by the author is limited in its effectiveness. The opening paragraph is slow to reveal the subject of this story (“I rmember when I was in third grade. I lived in Nicetown with my mom, dad, two brothers, and my sister”) and the body is weak, lacking in transitions from one idea to the next. The conclusion suggests a hopeful resolution to this important change (“Everything trued out to be okay and everyone was happy the way that things happened”), but fails to confirm it.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is simple and fails to transmit the depth of meaning inherent in this important change (“We got home one day and I went inside and noticed there were boxes in my living room filled with all of my dad's belongngs. My brother and I didn't know what was going on”). The author is clearly aware of the audience, but his/her voice is not expressed strongly in this narrative.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does not exhibit highly developed skills in the control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Noticeable errors in grammar (“they were too young to go be in school”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“rmember” and “interduced”) threaten to interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was seven years old I was living in that same house i'am in now ,but when i was seven an accident happend my jouse where we lived got burrend and had to move of house and my sister and i had also have to move to different school and it was a big change because we only had to move houses but we also had to change schools. I didnt get to say goodbye to my friends because when that happend i was at school and my mom picked me up and she told me everything that had happend and it was too far to bring me and my sister to that school and he had to go to different school that day my mom said that she and my moms sister where in there and

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story appears to describe the author’s experience with a house fire and the resulting move. But the style of language is so unclear and the provision of details so meager, that even this controlling idea is not entirely clear (“When I was seven years old I was living in that same house i'am in now ,but when i was seven an accident happend my jouse where we lived got burrend”). The author likely understands the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, but simply lacks the skills to deliver a complete narrative. Thus, this essay fails to adequately complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

It is difficult to discern more than an outline of a cohesive plot in this story. The author describes some of the challenges that accompanied the event (“my jouse where we lived got burrend and had to move of house and my sister and i had also have to move to different school and it was a big change because we only had to move houses but we also had to change schools”). But these events appear isolated to the reader rather than as part of a larger story. The story lacks character development and ends without bringing resolution to the problem the author experienced.

Organization

The single paragraph does not demonstrate much success with organization. It appears to open with an introductory remark, although even this sentence is unclear (“When I was seven years old I was living in that same house i'am in now ,but when i was seven an accident happend my jouse where we lived got burrend”). The body of the essay is similarly murky, and the narrative ends abruptly without the benefit of a closing remark that could help provide closure for the reader.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is mostly inappropriate for this writing task. Frequently incoherent, the author chooses words poorly and commits many basic errors in sentence structure (“I didnt get to say goodbye to my friends because when that happend i was at school and my mom picked me up and she told me everything that had happend and it was too far to bring me and my sister to that”). The author attempts to address this story to the appropriate audience, but appears to lack the skills to use language effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Significant errors call attention to this author’s weak control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar (“When I was seven years old I was living in that same house i'am in now ,but when i was seven an accident happend my jouse where we lived got burrend and had to move of house and my sister and i had also have to move to different school and it was a big change because we only had to move houses but we also had to change schools”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I came from the jr.High to the high school it was a big change for me. The high school is a lot bigger and a heck of a lot more kids. another bad thig is that I have to get up a lot ealier for the start of school in the morning. there are some good things about the change to high school such as

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This attempt to describe the impact of a transition from one school to another is largely inadequate. Beyond establishing a theme (“When I came from the jr.High to the high school it was a big change for me”), the author fails to create a story that would satisfy the requirements of the writing prompt and therefore fails to complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author lists two reasons that this change was an important one, but does not do so in the form of a narrative story. No plot, setting, or characters can be discerned. Not much happens in this brief story.

Organization

In the few sentences provided, the author has put little effort into the organization of the story. An opening remark clearly sets the stage (“When I came from the jr.High to the high school it was a big change for me”), but the body is undeveloped, and the essay ends abruptly before it can properly be concluded (“there are some good things about the change to high school such as”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language emerges as inadequate for this writing task. A lack of descriptive power and precision, combined with a few basic errors, leave this narrative lacking in meaning for the reader (“The high school is a lot bigger and a heck of a lot more kids”). It is unclear if the author understands the nature of the audience of this prompt, and too little has been written for the author’s voice to emerge.

Mechanics & Conventions

Even in this short response, the author commits a number of obvious errors in grammar, mechanics (“another bad thig is that I have to get up a lot ealier for the start of school in the morning”), punctuation, and spelling that undoubtedly interfere with the presentation of the author’s story.

An Important Choice

Write a narrative essay about a time you had to make an important choice.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Peer pressure is a very dangerous thing. Your friends can be the biggest influence you will ever have, besides your parents, that is. Sometimes, they can make you do things that you don't want to do, while other times, they push you to do something that will benefit you in the future. Recently, my friends threw a party for a very good friend of mine. At that party, some people were making some bad choices. I had to make a very important choice that evening: should I stay or should I go?

It was March 25, 2006, my friend Nicole's birthday. While I was at home, a different friend of mine, Dustin, called me up and explained that later on that evening, a surprise party was going to take place for her. I thought it was a spectacular idea, and I told him that I would be attending that night. Throughout the day, I felt anticipation, for this party would be a lot of fun.

I arrived at Thomas's house, where a third friend of mine was throwing the party. I met up with several more of my friends, and we awaited the birthday girl. Once we caught word that she was on her way, all of us hid throughout the house. Immediately after she walked through the door, we all yelled, "SURPRISE!!" The surprised look on her face is one i will never forget. She was ecstatic that all of her friends would come together and throw her a party. Her smile brightened the room as she hugged everybody there. Now, the party was going to get under way!

Dustin decided that it would be a smart idea to jump into the pool, which was around 32 degrees. One of two others decided to do it, while the rest of us sat around. "Nobody can convince me to go into that pool," I thought to myself. Dustin said "COME ON, SCARDY CATS! It's not THAT cold!" All of my friends decided that they were being a scardy cat and decided to jump in against their will. I, on the other hand, continued to sit there. Jumping into that pool was a stupid idea, and I was not going to crack under peer pressure and do it!

Everybody who jumped in once immediately jumped out because it was so cold. One girl in particular, Ciera, jumped in and out in less that 3 seconds! Dustin, on the other hand, stayed in the water, even though the ice cold water was constricting his airway. His mindset was that once Ciera jumps back into the pool, he would get out. Ciera didn't budge. She regretted getting in the first time, and came out unable to breathe. There was no way she would get back in. Once we told Dustin that, he didn't care. He kept on swimming in the water, screaming in pain.

All of my friends went up to him and asked for him to get out, but since he's as stubborn as a bull, he stayed there, risking his health. Time went on, and I was getting frustrated. This party was supposed to be about Nicole, not about Dustin. He was making everybody pay attention to him rather than the birthday girl! A lot of people were making stupid decisions at this party, and I didn't really feel like being there. Even though they were my friends, the decisions they were making really turned me away. Then a question popped into my head: should I stay or should i go?

This was a very tough and important choice for me. If I left, my friends might not like the choice I made and discontinue our friendship. If I stayed, I might have been pressured into doing something I didn't want to do. I thought about it for a while, and i came up with my decision. I decided to catch a ride home from the party.

As I left, I felt more and more confident about my decision. My friends were doing something that didn't agree with me, and I didn't want to be a part of it. At first, I didn't want to ruin my friendship with my friends who attended, but later on, I told myself that if they were really my friends, they would accept my decision. They wouldn't break off their friendship with me over jumping into a stupid pool! At that moment, I realized what an important decision I had to make. I could have done something I would regret later and completely endangered my health. Instead, I decided to risk my friendships and make the correct decision.

Peer pressure is a very dangerous thing. Once you experience it, and make the very important decision to not do whatever they asked, you will feel stronger. I know that the next time I run into this same situation, leaving the party will be the right thing to do. If this question, should I stay or should I go, ever runs into your head, make the important choice and leave!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay has truly captured an important choice he/she had to make through the effective use of an insightful and controlling idea. (“Peer pressure is a very dangerous thing. Your friends can be the biggest influence you will ever have, besides your parents, that is. Sometimes, they can make you do things that you don't want to do, while other times, they push you to do something that will benefit you in the future?”) This essay truly shows a thorough understanding of the purpose (“Recently, my friends threw a party for a very good friend of mine. At that party, some people were making some bad choices. I had to make a very important choice that evening: should I stay or should I go”), audience, and task. Descriptive words and details are used to enhance the story and heighten the importance of the topic discussed.

Content & Development

This essay is fully detailed, with a well-developed plot and setting. This level of sophistication allows the reader to fully understand the dilemma this author was faced with and the important choice he/she was forced to make. (“This was a very tough and important choice for me. If I left, my friends might not like the choice I made and discontinue our friendship. If I stayed, I might have been pressured into doing something I didn't want to do. I thought about it for a while, and i came up with my decision. I decided to catch a ride home from the party.”) The author clearly establishes a conflict and point of view which helps the reader to connect to the narrative on a more personal level. The dialogue brings the action to life for the reader. (“Dustin decided that it would be a smart idea to jump into the pool, which was around 32 degrees. One of two others decided to do it, while the rest of us sat around. "Nobody can convince me to go into that pool," I thought to myself. Dustin said "COME ON, SCARDY CATS! It's not THAT cold!" All of my friends decided that they were being a scardy cat and decided to jump in against their will. I, on the other hand, continued to sit there. Jumping into that pool was a stupid idea, and I was not going to crack under peer pressure and do it!”)

Organization

The author captures the reader’s attention by cleverly opening the story. (“Peer pressure is a very dangerous thing. Your friends can be the biggest influence you will ever have, besides your parents, that is.”) This essay is formatted into a chronological sequence of events, and this organizational structure allows the reader to become part of the action. This type of essay structure is adequate in a narrative. (“As I left, I felt more and more confident about my decision. My friends were doing something that didn't agree with me, and I didn't want to be a part of it. At first, I didn't want to ruin my friendship with my friends who attended, but later on, I told myself that if they were really my friends, they would accept my decision. They wouldn't break off their friendship with me over jumping into a stupid pool! At that moment, I realized what an important decision I had to make.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay is effective for its audience; this essay showcases a dilemma with which many high school students are faced. This author demonstrates a defined voice (“Once you experience it, and make the very important decision to not do whatever they asked, you will feel stronger. I know that the next time I run into this same situation, leaving the party will be the right thing to do. If this question, should I stay or should I go, ever runs into your head, make the important choice and leave!”) and a clear sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student has a clear understanding of the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English. Very few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling are evident, and they do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Bored as I could be, I strolled through the huge Race Track gas station, awaiting my mom. The store, with its elongated aisles of towering shelves of food and beverages, seemed like sheer candy land to me; it was positively breath-taking.

On my little stroll, is when I spotted it! I must say, it was surely love at first sight, and I desired it so badly. I had to have it! I was not going to leave without it. Knowing that I had little time to spare, my mind quickly jumped to how I would get it and make it all mine. My first thought was to ask my mom for it, but with that I also realized asking meant she could also tell me no, and that just wouldn’t work. With my mind racing , I remembered having heard someone say before, that if you want something done right, you must do it yourself. With this, I ruled out asking, meaning, that it was all on me. Now, I was left with truly only one more option, but I knew that this one would be very wrong.

Now pacing the aisles, a lump of guilt began to build up within me, but I hadn't done a thing yet. Maybe it was just knowing what I was going to do. Confused. Unsure. Scared. With this, my only option, I would have to take the risk and the guilt, or just leave with nothing at all. I felt that to leave empty handed was not a favorable choice. There was a lot at risk, but I knew I wanted it so badly. With a racing mind, and sweaty palms, I leaned against a seemingly cool door to think and rest my eyes.

Before I knew what had happened, my mom had called my name with the cue to leave. “Oh no”, I thought; I was out of time. Sadly, I stumbled out the door, behind my mom without it. Then suddenly, I couldn't control myself; I wanted it, so I spun around and darted back in, grabbing it and inconspicuously sliding it into my pocket. I sprinted back out behind my mom with a grin, for she had not even known I had left her.

I felt like a bandit. I had made it out of there, and was now home safely, and nothing could stop me now. It had gone perfectly, and no one had suspected a thing. I was so smooth. I hadn't left a single trace of evidence either. Not even Bonnie and Clyde could have been as sly as I was that day. With the feeling of victory sizzling within me, I went to my room to enjoy my treat.

Unfortunately, I was not quite as smooth as I had thought, for when I heard those treacherous words from my mother's mouth, "What is that all over your mouth?" I realized that I hadn't completely cleaned the crime scene, and all the evidence that was needed to convict me was written all over my lips.

Let it appear as a petty, meaningless piece of candy to the world, but as the seemingly, reckless little 3-year old that I was, getting that piece of divine, succulent chocolate was undoubtedly the most important decision of my life... or possibly just that day, but nevertheless, still, never doubt the overwhelming meaning of sweets in a 3-year old's life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author has created a strong narrative that conveys a complete message to the intended audience. (“On my little stroll, is when I spotted it! I must say, it was surely love at first sight, and I desired it so badly. I had to have it! I was not going to leave without it. Knowing that I had little time to spare, my mind quickly jumped to how I would get it and make it all mine. My first thought was to ask my mom for it, but with that I also realized asking meant she could also tell me no, and that just wouldn’t work. With my mind racing , I remembered having heard someone say before, that if you want something done right, you must do it yourself.”) The author skillfully uses supporting details to enhance the tension and conflict of the story. (“Now pacing the aisles, a lump of guilt began to build up within me, but I hadn't done a thing yet. Maybe it was just knowing what I was going to do. Confused. Unsure. Scared. With this, my only option, I would have to take the risk and the guilt, or just leave with nothing at all. I felt that to leave empty handed was not a favorable choice. ”)

Content & Development

This author uses a well-developed plot and setting to creatively describe an important choice that many children are faced with. The author uses stream of consciousness appropriately to convey the thoughts going through his/her mind. (“Maybe it was just knowing what I was going to do. Confused. Unsure. Scared. With this, my only option, I would have to take the risk and the guilt, or just leave with nothing at all. I felt that to leave empty handed was not a favorable choice. There was a lot at risk, but I knew I wanted it so badly. With a racing mind, and sweaty palms, I leaned against a seemingly cool door to think and rest my eyes.”) The conflict is heightened through the writer’s control of voice. (“I felt like a bandit. I had made it out of there, and was now home safely, and nothing could stop me now. It had gone perfectly, and no one had suspected a thing. I was so smooth. I hadn't left a single trace of evidence either. Not even Bonnie and Clyde could have been as sly as I was that day.”)

Organization

The descriptive opening of the story excites readers and encourages them to continue reading. (“Bored as I could be, I strolled through the huge Race Track gas station, awaiting my mom. The store, with its elongated aisles of towering shelves of food and beverages, seemed like sheer candy land to me; it was positively breath-taking.”) The four body paragraphs descriptively detail the essay’s conflict. The conclusion vividly explains why this was an important choice for the author. (“Let it appear as a petty, meaningless piece of candy to the world, but as the seemingly, reckless little 3-year old that I was, getting that piece of divine, succulent chocolate was undoubtedly the most important decision of my life... or possibly just that day, but nevertheless, still, never doubt the overwhelming meaning of sweets in a 3-year old's life.”)

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates effective language and word choice in sharing his/her most important choice. (“Unfortunately, I was not quite as smooth as I had thought, for when I heard those treacherous words from my mother's mouth, "What is that all over your mouth?" I realized that I hadn't completely cleaned the crime scene, and all the evidence that was needed to convict me was written all over my lips.”) The sentences are generally well-structured and varied. (“I felt like a bandit. I had made it out of there, and was now home safely, and nothing could stop me now. It had gone perfectly, and no one had suspected a thing. I was so smooth. I hadn't left a single trace of evidence either. Not even Bonnie and Clyde could have been as sly as I was that day. With the feeling of victory sizzling within me, I went to my room to enjoy my treat.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. He/she makes few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling that do not interfere with the intended message. (“Maybe it was just knowing what I was going to do. Confused. Unsure. Scared.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Important choices are made every day. Whether it is as simple as waking up on time, or making a choice to start World War III, It is still important. While playing sports, People make decisions that change the way the game beings or ends. Also, when people are at school, passing or failing all depends on the choices you make.

About a month ago, at our soccer teams' championship game, I was forced to make an important choice that completely changed the way the game was going to end. There was about five minutes left in the game, and we were tied three to two. My teammate passed me the ball at around midfield. I took the ball all the way to the goal and was fouled inside the penalty box. The referee blew his whistle to signal a foul and Coach let me take it. The crowd of parents were all dead silent, it was all up to me to put us back into the lead and possibly win the game. I started at the ball, next at the goal keeper. Then I began to think about how important it was to make the goal. I got my stance ready, aligned myself with the ball, then began running and kicked the ball. GOAL! The parents all jumped from their seats, cheering uncontrollably. All my team mates came running to me to congratulate me. I had done it! We were now in the lead with two minutes to go. Coach made a substitution and placed an all defense team in the game so we could defend and win. In those last few moments of the game, there was no rest on our bench. The Coach, players and the parents were all worried that the game might turn for the worst. Time was winding down, less than thirty seconds left in the game. Twenty, fifteen, ten seconds left. The referee blew his whistle, that was it...The game was over! We had won! Everyone had run to me because I had scored the game winning goal. It was an important choice because I could have passed the ball sooner to somebody else and we could have tied the game, or I could have shot the ball at a different angle and possibly missed the goal.

My important choice wouldn't have made that much of a difference if I never did accomplish it; after all, soccer is only a game. I still had accomplished a task I never thought could have been possible with me. It felt good to win the game and help my team. Choices are made every day, Just be careful which choices you make, they could be your last.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete narrative to the intended audience. The author establishes and focuses on a conflict, yet he/she fails to fully address all parts of the task. (“Important choices are made every day. Whether it is as simple as waking up on time, or making a choice to start World War III, It is still important. While playing sports, People make decisions that change the way the game beings or ends. Also, when people are at school, passing or failing all depends on the choices you make.”) This essay lacks the descriptive details that would have made it more alluring to the reader. (“About a month ago, at our soccer teams' championship game, I was forced to make an important choice that completely changed the way the game was going to end. There was about five minutes left in the game, and we were tied three to two. My teammate passed me the ball at around midfield.”)

Content & Development

The author provides a developed plot and setting, but he/she fails to be adequately descriptive. (“We were now in the lead with two minutes to go. Coach made a substitution and placed an all defense team in the game so we could defend and win. In those last few moments of the game, there was no rest on our bench. The Coach, players and the parents were all worried that the game might turn for the worst.”) The writer establishes and explains the conflict, but the essay lacks supporting details that would enhance the body of the essay and allow the reader to be part of the action. (“The referee blew his whistle, that was it...The game was over! We had won! Everyone had run to me because I had scored the game winning goal. It was an important choice because I could have passed the ball sooner to somebody else and we could have tied the game, or I could have shot the ball at a different angle and possibly missed the goal.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The author develops three paragraphs to explain the incident. The first paragraph serves as the introduction. In the second paragraph, the author explains the conflict surrounding his/her important choice. The final paragraph provides a brief conclusion that defines the importance of this choice for the author. (“My important choice wouldn't have made that much of a difference if I never did accomplish it; after all, soccer is only a game. I still had accomplished a task I never thought could have been possible with me. It felt good to win the game and help my team. Choices are made every day, Just be careful which choices you make, they could be your last.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience and purpose of the task. This essay could be improved by using more precise, vivid language that enhances the details of the narrative. It would also be helpful if this narrative had dialogue to allow the reader to be part of the action. (“The parents all jumped from their seats, cheering uncontrollably. All my team mates came running to me to congratulate me. I had done it! We were now in the lead with two minutes to go.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of written English is adequate. Few errors in grammar (“I still had accomplished a task I never thought could have been possible with me. ”), punctuation, or spelling are evident in this piece.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thinking back when I was in the sixth grade. I remember a time that I had to choose between my two best friends. When I living in Houston me and my cousin were real good friends she was one of my best friend in the hole wide word. My cousin Mary we didn't live by each other but when we would see each other it would always seem like the first time that we ever meet that was how good of friends were. Mary mom decided to move and I couldn't believe that she had moved two house down for me that was the happiest day in the world to Mary and me. The following week she had went to school with she didn't know anybody so I showed my cousin Mary around school. Mary didn't know that I had another best friend at my school her name was Se. She was my best friend that lived by me because I only seen Mary abut two times a month. I had introduced them to one other and they seem like they had hit ii off and I told Sue that "this is my cousin Mary she lived on the north side of Houston".I thought that they were cool and I thought that we were all good friends but I was wrong.

The most important choice that I had to ever face was choosing between my two best friends it made me so made and sick to my stomach because I was thinking about my loosing one of my good friend or loosing a cousin know that was even bad because Mary is family and I think Sue is apart of my family too. I love the both of them and they don't get along with one another that is the most saddest thing that had ever happen to me I just don't know what to do. The next day I talk t my mom about what had happen and she told me that she counld't say anything about it that I would have to figure this out for my self.

I was think in my room and what had happen between Mary and Sue when they had first meet everything was fine but a week later things started to go down south they stated fighting over nothing I was so upset that I could hardly talk to my two best friends. So I had to choose I think it would be no one because if they can not get along with one other I didn't need a friend but Mary is my cousin my mom would never approve of me not talking to my family so I chose my cousin because blood is thicker than water even thow I thought of Sue as my familty also. I talk to my mom and she had told me that I had made the right chose in chosing my family but I wanted to be with my best Friend Sue she was so sad that I didnt chose her but I stil said hi to Sue just to be nic that was the most inportant choice that I ever had to make.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has some positive qualities, but in the end it fails to deliver a powerful narrative that captures the reader’s attention. (“Thinking back when I was in the sixth grade. I remember a time that I had to choose between my two best friends.”) The author stays focused on the central idea, but the essay is repetitious and distracting to the reader. (“The most important choice that I had to ever face was choosing between my two best friends it made me so made and sick to my stomach because I was thinking about my loosing one of my good friend or loosing a cousin know that was even bad because Mary is family and I think Sue is apart of my family too.”)

Content & Development

The author provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and cast of characters, but he/she does not use sufficient detail to make this essay more than a simple summary of events. This story lacks descriptive details that would draw the reader into the conflict of the story. (“I was think in my room and what had happen between Mary and Sue when they had first meet everything was fine but a week later things started to go down south they stated fighting over nothing I was so upset that I could hardly talk to my two best friends.”)

Organization

The organization in this essay is limited. The author provides readers with an introduction, but it also consists of the first body paragraph. The single body paragraph is simply a repeat of the introduction. However, the essay has an adequate conclusion which sums up the important choice this author made. (“So I had to choose I think it would be no one because if they can not get along with one other I didn't need a friend but Mary is my cousin my mom would never approve of me not talking to my family so I chose my cousin because blood is thicker than water even thow I thought of Sue as my familty also. I talk to my mom and she had told me that I had made the right chose in chosing my family but I wanted to be with my best Friend Sue she was so sad that I didnt chose her but I stil said hi to Sue just to be nic that was the most inportant choice that I ever had to make.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is basic and repetitious. The author also shows a lack of control over sentence structure and uses many run-on sentences. (“The most important choice that I had to ever face was choosing between my two best friends it made me so made and sick to my stomach because I was thinking about my loosing one of my good friend or loosing a cousin know that was even bad because Mary is family and I think Sue is apart of my family too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author of this essay maintains limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Many noticeable errors in grammar (“She was my best friend that lived by me because I only seen Mary abut two times a month.”), punctuation, and spelling (“inportant”) interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The time that I made a important choice was when i got to the 10th grade. What was so hard about the choice was that I thought that I couldn't do it. The choices was should I drop out or stay and finished school and go to college. The reason why this was a choice was because I had always failed my test and projects , and would never do any of the work. I was not paying any attection in class, would never do any of my homework.Then I wolud never go to school, It was very hard for me. As I realize i am starting to get older and I need to get out school I started to put more effort into things. I started doing my homework again. I started studying more for the tests and putting in extra time on my projects. Then again I knew it was going to be hard but I tryed and tryed and never give up. Then one day I had a talk with one on my okay teacher about my grades and she told me that I got a choice, one was to do the work two try to do the work or three not do it at all. This was giong to be one huge choice but I pick the first one. So then as the schol year went by I was doing my homework and at less trying to trun in all my assiment that I could. As I got my first report card it showed a lot of appericate cause I knew that I could do whatever I sat my mind on doing. To tell the truth I htnk that was the most important choice of my life, because I would never want to see myself in a bad satution anymore. Even though choices are hard to make they are easy to get thought them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the task. While an important choice is stated (“The time that I made a important choice was when i got to the 10th grade. What was so hard about the choice was that I thought that I couldn't do it. The choices was should I drop out or stay and finished school and go to college.”), the essay is simply a summary of the events rather than an intriguing story. It is likely that the author did not fully understand the audience and purpose of this prompt, and therefore he/she completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

This author provides virtually no details; therefore, he/she does not create a narrative story that would interest and inform a reader. The author explains the important choice but fails to allow the reader to be part of the conflict of the story. (“As I realize i am starting to get older and I need to get out school I started to put more effort into things. I started doing my homework again. I started studying more for the tests and putting in extra time on my projects. Then again I knew it was going to be hard but I tryed and tryed and never give up. Then one day I had a talk with one on my okay teacher about my grades and she told me that I got a choice, one was to do the work two try to do the work or three not do it at all.”) Such incomplete and inadequate support is characteristic of an essay that is “limited” in its content and development.

Organization

This author fails to create a unified structure. The introduction and conclusion are contained in the single body paragraph. (“So then as the schol year went by I was doing my homework and at less trying to trun in all my assiment that I could. As I got my first report card it showed a lot of appericate cause I knew that I could do whatever I sat my mind on doing. To tell the truth I htnk that was the most important choice of my life, because I would never want to see myself in a bad satution anymore. Even though choices are hard to make they are easy to get thought them.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inappropriate for the assigned task and intended audience. Numerous errors in word choice and sentence structure can be found in this essay. (“The choices was should I drop out or stay and finished school and go to college. The reason why this was a choice was because I had always failed my test and projects , and would never do any of the work. I was not paying any attection in class, would never do any of my homework.Then I wolud never go to school, It was very hard for me. As I realize i am starting to get older and I need to get out school I started to put more effort into things.”) The author is unable to fully define his/her voice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay shows a minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing; the author commits significant errors in grammar (“So then as the schol year went by I was doing my homework and at less trying to trun in all my assiment that I could.”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“appericate”). These errors significantly interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Life is all about making decisions and making the right ones. Have you ever been in a sittuation in which you had to make an important choice that you just could not choose something or someone I think you have because if I have you too. Important choices could depend in your future are not all the time. Not long ago when I was in middle school I had so many bad days because their were always thouse days when I had to do important choices and I could say that was the hardest times of my life.Choices choices always choices it's just so hard, but like I was saying the day I had to do the hardest choice in my life was when I

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author discusses making an important choice, he/she does not develop a narrative that shares the circumstances of this choice. (“Life is all about making decisions and making the right ones. Have you ever been in a sittuation in which you had to make an important choice that you just could not choose something or someone I think you have because if I have you too. Important choices could depend in your future are not all the time.”)

Content & Development

This author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable event and only a brief mention of the conflict (“Not long ago when I was in middle school I had so many bad days because their were always thouse days when I had to do important choices and I could say that was the hardest times of my life.Choices choices always choices it's just so hard, but like I was saying the day I had to do the hardest choice in my life was when I”). In this essay, the author does not mention any supporting details that might reveal the subject of his/her important choice.

Organization

This author attempts to organize thoughts into a unified structure, but he/she only succeeds in establishing an introductory paragraph. (“Life is all about making decisions and making the right ones. Have you ever been in a sittuation in which you had to make an important choice that you just could not choose something or someone I think you have because if I have you too. Important choices could depend in your future are not all the time.”)

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates minimal language use. Word choice is appropriate, but sentences lack variety and depth. There is a semblance of the author’s voice present in this essay. (“Life is all about making decisions and making the right ones. Have you ever been in a sittuation in which you had to make an important choice that you just could not choose something or someone I think you have because if I have you too. Important choices could depend in your future are not all the time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows limited control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. The errors in grammar (“Not long ago when I was in middle school I had so many bad days because their were always thouse days when I had to do important choices and I could say that was the hardest times of my life”), punctuation , and spelling (“sittuation”) somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Athletic Challenges

Most of us have strong memories of the first time we experienced an athletic challenge. Write about your first attempt participating in any athletic activity. The activity may be one that looked easy but turned out to be a real challenge, or it might be one that came quite naturally to you. As you write try to picture the time, place, the people involved and how you felt. Describe the experience in as much detail as possible. Be sure to tell why this experience was important to you and how it impacted your life.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Most people have a memory of some type of sport or extra curricular activity that they had either played or done in the past. The sport that I took part in was boxing. This activity has had numerous effects on me. It also has left me with fond memories of the time I spent at the sport. The three things that I remember most about my time in the sport are the tough training I endured, the first time I fought with another opponent, and the time I left my gym in Philadelphia . The first day I started boxing, I did not think that the training was going to be very difficult.

The equipment in a boxing gym does not look like it needs much explanation. That is where one could not be more wrong. When training with the equipment like the heavy bag and speed bag, it is very easy to make mistakes. This is true especially when someone gets tired. I used to go four rounds at 3 minutes a piece with a twenty second break in between on the heavy bag. It was usually the same duration on the speed bag. The rest of my training consisted of jump roping, running shadow boxing, a few rounds on the double end bag, a little one on one training with the instructor, and practice fights. When I got home from the gym, I would usually do some pull-ups, pushups, and dips. After all of this training, I was finally ready to fight my first fight in my new gym in Philadelphia .

The first time I went in the ring at Joe Frazier’s gym, it was the first time I had boxed with anyone since I was ten years old. My opponent was constantly trying to scare me by giving cold stares and acting as tough as he could. Even though these means of intimidation bother some people, they never bothered me. I have to admit that during this fight, I was a little out of practice and got hit a lot more than I should have. Be that as it may, I managed to get some clean hard shots in on him which left him with a loose tooth. Part of the reason I got hit so much is that I had a problem with my nose bleeding. One slight tap to the nose and it could constantly gush out thus getting in my way.

One of the hardest things I ever had to do at my gym was say good by when I did not have the time to do it anymore. Between school work and a job, it became near impossible to make it to my gym and back and run every day of the week. Therefore, it was mandatory for me to explain to my instructor that my time at the gym was over. Although he was sad to see me go, he understood and was glad I gave him an explanation. Sam was the best trainer that I ever had and worked with me a lot on his own time to make me the best I could be. There is no question in my mind that that is exactly what he did and everyone else in the gym that helped me did.

All in All, the memory of my time at Joe Frazier’s gym is one that has made me a stronger, better person and it is one that I will never forget. The memory of my tough training, my first fight in the gym, and saying good-bye will be everlasting in my mind. The discipline I learned and hard work I put in has actually helped me in other areas in my life as well. Ever since I started boxing there, I have worked harder at things and done better in school. For this, I am thankful that I have the memory of Joe Frazier’s gym.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this story, the author endeavors to take the reader through an athletic challenge that took place in a sweaty gym and boxing ring. Establishing and maintaining a detailed and insightful controlling idea (“The three things that I remember most about my time in the sport are the tough training I endured, the first time I fought with another opponent, and the time I left my gym in Philadelphia. The first day I started boxing, I did not think that the training was going to be very difficult”), the author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this writing prompt and completes all parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this narrative, the author creates a very detailed plot and setting that describes for the reader the challenges involved in training for boxing matches and then meeting an opponent in the ring (“The equipment in a boxing gym does not look like it needs much explanation. That is where one could not be more wrong. When training with the equipment like the heavy bag and speed bag, it is very easy to make mistakes … My opponent was constantly trying to scare me by giving cold stares and acting as tough as he could. Even though these means of intimidation bother some people, they never bothered me”). But perhaps the most compelling twist in this story involves the author’s reaction to having to leave the gym (“One of the hardest things I ever had to do at my gym was say good by when I did not have the time to do it anymore. Between school work and a job, it became near impossible to make it to my gym and back and run every day of the week. Therefore, it was mandatory for me to explain to my instructor that my time at the gym was over”), which speaks to the passion the author felt about the sport and relationship s/he had developed with the trainer. Was the most climactic segment of this story when the main character entered the ring for the first time – bleeding profusely – or when s/he had to bid farewell to the trainer? This is left to the reader to ponder.

Organization

The organizational scheme integrated into this essay is tight and cohesive. A solid introduction and conclusion help to focus and refocus the reader on the author’s controlling idea. The conclusion, specifically, relates the deeper meaning of this athletic challenge to the reader, beyond that which is obvious (“The discipline I learned and hard work I put in has actually helped me in other areas in my life as well. Ever since I started boxing there, I have worked harder at things and done better in school. For this, I am thankful that I have the memory of Joe Frazier’s gym”). Each of the three body paragraphs details one of the author’s key points and flows well from one to the next.

Language Use & Style

The author’s language is appropriate to this writing task. Precise word choice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences define this essay (“The discipline I learned and hard work I put in has actually helped me in other areas in my life as well. Ever since I started boxing there, I have worked harder at things and done better in school. For this, I am thankful that I have the memory of Joe Frazier’s gym”). The essay could be improved with the inclusion of more descriptive language of the “grittiness” and exhaustion that accompanies the sport of boxing. For instance, the author could have said much more about his/her first fight, how it transpired, or how it felt.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is impeccable. While not error-free, few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling mar this response.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Majestic mountains, a cool breeze blows. It's the allure of a tranquil mountain. At the top is my goal, the peak. Today it will be a solitary challenge, for I am alone. All of this is going through my head as I lie in bed dreaming of the day to come.

The alarm rings, it's five am, time to get a move on. I gather my gear: backpack, some food, warm clothes and other assorted climbing gear. The car is ready to go.

It's a three-hour drive to the mountains. The roads are long, narrow and winding. Trees drape over the road providing an eternal shade. The beauty of the land makes the trip go very quickly. Before I know it, I am in the parking lot looking at the base of the long mountain trail. It's now eight am. I start my assent on the white giant. There is a refreshing mountain mist in the air.

It is about a three-hour walk up the switchbacks to the jagged rock of the stone face of the mountain. Along the way up, I stop to take many photos of the landscape. As I near the rock face, the terrain steepens. Each step is harder to take than the last. The rock face is much harder to navigate.

The piercing rocks make the last 400 feet to the top the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. If I slip it will be catastrophe. The snow on the rock freezes my hands and the rocks pierced my hands as I pull myself onto the top of this white giant.

Exhausted from the assent, I sit at the top of my world. Looking around at nature’s handy work makes a person feel small in the grand scheme of things. Well, it's time to go down. One last glance and my decent begins. One long twisting path is all that separates me from completing my long trek.

It's now evening and I am at home reflecting on my accomplishments. My eyes shut. It is time to rest.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits some unusual qualities – with a poem-like quality to it, the story takes the reader along on a sensory journey up the face of a mountain (“Majestic mountains, a cool breeze blows. It's the allure of a tranquil mountain. At the top is my goal, the peak. Today it will be a solitary challenge, for I am alone”). Just as on the mountainside, the author remains focused in this story on the controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of the prompt, and completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

Both positive and negative comments can be made about the content developed by the author. While the plot and setting developed by the author show some signs of detail, the reader is left wanting more. For instance, the author’s description of reaching the rock face is riveting (“The piercing rocks make the last 400 feet to the top the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. If I slip it will be catastrophe. The snow on the rock freezes my hands and the rocks pierced my hands as I pull myself onto the top of this white giant”), but appears to the reader to be too brief. The conflict that heightens the reader’s suspense is finally resolved (“Exhausted from the assent, I sit at the top of my world. Looking around at nature’s handy work makes a person feel small in the grand scheme of things. Well, it's time to go down. One last glance and my decent begins”) and the story winds down, in lockstep as the author descends from the mountain peak.

Organization

This essay shows good organization. The opening is truly inspiring, and could even be dubbed spiritual (“Majestic mountains, a cool breeze blows. It's the allure of a tranquil mountain. At the top is my goal, the peak. Today it will be a solitary challenge, for I am alone”). In the body, the story flows smoothly from one event to another with subtle transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion says little outright about the experience, but winds the essay down, and nonetheless provides the reader with a sense of completeness (“It's now evening and I am at home reflecting on my accomplishments. My eyes shut. It is time to rest”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language is superb – precise words and short, yet bountiful sentences sketch a vivid picture of the rock climbing experience for the reader (“The roads are long, narrow and winding. Trees drape over the road providing an eternal shade. The beauty of the land makes the trip go very quickly. Before I know it, I am in the parking lot looking at the base of the long mountain trail. It's now eight am. I start my assent on the white giant. There is a refreshing mountain mist in the air”). The author uses his/her voice to properly address the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is strong. Even though a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected, such as the sentence fragment that opens the essay (“Majestic mountains, a cool breeze blows”), they do not detract from the presentation of this essay.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was in the eighth grade I started working out with the high school track team. Early in the season, the head coach asked me if I wanted to run a time trial for the 800 meter run. I said ok thinking that it would be easy, after all it was only two laps. So the next day I ran the time trial. It was an overcast day, warm weather, and I was feeling very optimistic. I was running against a senior who was a decent runner.

So we started running and at the end of the first lap I still felt pretty good. About 200 meters later I could feel my legs filling up with lactic acid. They were beginning to feel very heavy and my whole body was getting tired. When I was coming down the back stretch I felt so terrible. That was the first time I have ever had that feeling. It is a hard feeling to describe, the only thing that you want to do at that point in time is lay down and die. The last 100 meters of the race felt like a mile. Those two simple laps turned out to be the hardest two laps of my life. Needless to say, my first 800 was not what I expected. Running that race was fun though. As I was running around the track, all these older athletes were cheering and yelling for me. It was a really good feeling despite how tired my body was.

After I was finished I walked around for a little bit. My head was pounding and it felt like it was bloated. The funny thing is, I ran a good race. My time was pretty good for it being my first 800. So of course the coach liked that and I have been running it ever since.

A lot of good came out of that first 800. It made me more aware of how hard that race actually was and it helped me prepare for future races. Also, it made me aware of how hard I could push my body when I was tired. I have learned to love that race even though it is very difficult. If I did not love the 800 there is no way I would still run it. You have to love this race to run it and be good at it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Anyone who has had to run an 800 meter race can appreciate this account of a young runner’s first time trial. Even the author admits as much in the closing of the essay (“You have to love this race to run it and be good at it”). Establishing and maintaining an interesting controlling idea (“When I was in the eighth grade I started working out with the high school track team. Early in the season, the head coach asked me if I wanted to run a time trial for the 800 meter run”), the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. While not much information is provided to help the reader understand the greater context of the student’s life, the author does describe his/her experience of the run in some detail (“So we started running and at the end of the first lap I still felt pretty good. About 200 meters later I could feel my legs filling up with lactic acid. They were beginning to feel very heavy and my whole body was getting tired. When I was coming down the back stretch I felt so terrible. That was the first time I have ever had that feeling. It is a hard feeling to describe, the only thing that you want to do at that point in time is lay down and die”). The conflict in the story is resolved as the author concludes the story and expresses the true meaning of this athletic challenge (“A lot of good came out of that first 800. It made me more aware of how hard that race actually was and it helped me prepare for future races. Also, it made me aware of how hard I could push my body when I was tired”).

Organization

This story is adequately organized. The first paragraph could be improved by dividing it between the opening and the story of the run. Still, the opening is interesting (“When I was in the eighth grade I started working out with the high school track team. Early in the season, the head coach asked me if I wanted to run a time trial for the 800 meter run”) and the body flows well from the first run to the conclusion where the author comes to appreciate his/her ability to meet the challenge (“I have learned to love that race even though it is very difficult. If I did not love the 800 there is no way I would still run it. You have to love this race to run it and be good at it”).

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. With appropriate word choice, an awareness of the audience, and generally correct sentence structure, the author sheds some light on the experience of running an 800 meter race (“Those two simple laps turned out to be the hardest two laps of my life. Needless to say, my first 800 was not what I expected. Running that race was fun though. As I was running around the track, all these older athletes were cheering and yelling for me. It was a really good feeling despite how tired my body was”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s control of the conventions and mechanics of writing is adequate. Few obvious errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“It is a hard feeling to describe, the only thing that you want to do at that point in time is lay down and die”), and spelling are present to interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My first attempt at baseball was a catastrophe. I thought it was going to be easy, boy was I wrong.

My dad wanted me to do something athletic so I chose to play baseball. When I first started out in training things went pretty well. I could catch and throw well and bat okay, but this was only training, the games were a different story.

My first game was a disaster, just like the ones that came after it. I could hardly hit the ball and when I did half the time the ball was foul and the other half it was caught easily. Fielding was a little better, but still bad. In the field I hardly caught a single ball, and when I threw it in field it always went to the wrong person. I was bringing the team down.

My team lost almost every game. I could tell my teamates hated me, they groaned every time I went up to bat. They laughed when I was hit with the ball numerous times too. The only time my team every won was when I miraculously caught a ball int he outfield, I still don't know how I managed to do that.

My first try at baseball wasn't awe inspiring but I still had a little fun. I did try playing once more but it wasn't much better than the first. I don't think I'll play baseball again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author sets out to describe his/her first attempt at playing baseball (“My first attempt at baseball was a catastrophe. I thought it was going to be easy, boy was I wrong”). Interestingly, this essay does not end on a positive note, as one might expect. Yet the author does remain focused on an appropriate, if less than inspiring, controlling idea, and demonstrates some understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt. Thus, this essay at least partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this story, the author presents an adequately developed plot and setting that take the reader through the various challenges the author encountered while trying to play baseball and how those challenges prevailed in the end (“My first game was a disaster, just like the ones that came after it. I could hardly hit the ball and when I did half the time the ball was foul and the other half it was caught easily. Fielding was a little better, but still bad … I could tell my teamates hated me, they groaned every time I went up to bat. They laughed when I was hit with the ball numerous times too”). Still, this story could be improved if more information was revealed about the main character’s thoughts and feelings or if a more profound life-lesson could be illuminated.

Organization

The organizational scheme of this essay is adequate, yet uninspiring. The opening paragraph is catchy, and it entices the reader to continue to devour the essay (“My first attempt at baseball was a catastrophe. I thought it was going to be easy, boy was I wrong”). The body flows well enough from one idea to another, although the story lacks a sense of chronological progression from one game to another. The concluding paragraph sums up the essay and provides the reader with some sense of closure, but it does leave the reader wanting something more sentimental, more meaningful (“My first try at baseball wasn't awe inspiring but I still had a little fun. I did try playing once more but it wasn't much better than the first. I don't think I'll play baseball again”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and decidedly repetitive – notice how each paragraph begins in exactly the same manner (”My first … My dad … My first … My team … My first”). With few exceptions though (“The only time my team every won was when”), the author demonstrates decent word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“I could catch and throw well and bat okay, but this was only training, the games were a different story”), mechanics, punctuation (“I thought it was going to be easy, boy was I wrong”), and spelling are present, but they do not generally interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I remember, the first time I played base ball. I hit the ball and hit the coach with it. I also ran the wrong way arond the base's. I smacked myself in the back with the bat. I skinned my knee and my elbow. After all this my coach said "I needed a little improvement." That in which really made me mad But I was to small to do anything. Other than that there is no other experiance that I can think of.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

While focused on an appropriate controlling idea (“I remember, the first time I played base ball”), this essay communicates little meaning to the intended audience. It appears that the author understands the purpose and audience of the writing prompt, but is unable or unwilling to create a compelling story in response to it. Thus, this essay fails to adequately complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

Lacking a developed plot and setting, this story simply lists a few of the mishaps the author encountered while trying to play baseball (“I hit the ball and hit the coach with it. I also ran the wrong way arond the base's. I smacked myself in the back with the bat. I skinned my knee and my elbow”). No characters, dialogue, or gripping conflict have been included in this story to make it interesting to the audience.

Organization

In the single paragraph developed, there is little evidence of a conscious attempt at organization. A single introductory sentence opens the essay (“I remember, the first time I played base ball”), although in itself, it is insufficient. Within the body, poor transitions contribute to a lack of chronological or sequential progression. The single concluding sentence (“Other than that there is no other experiance that I can think of”) appears to bear little relation to the subject matter and strikes the reader as perfunctory.

Language Use & Style

The author’s ability to use language to serve the communication of the controlling idea is poor. Simple, repetitive sentences (“I hit the ball and hit the coach with it. I also ran the wrong way arond the base's. I smacked myself in the back with the bat. I skinned my knee and my elbow”) fail to paint a vivid picture of this athletic challenge. While the author does attempt to address the intended audience, there is little evidence of a well-developed voice. An attempt at humor (“After all this my coach said ‘I needed a little improvement.’”) is funny, but cannot compensate for the flaws in the author’s language style.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer displays minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Patterns of errors in grammar (“That in which really made me mad But I was to small to do anything”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“arond” and “experiance”) substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Softball aint easy to learn. It starts in little league in elementry sch. Even though the ball is soft, it doesnt matter. It is still hard.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author suggests a controlling idea, but is largely unable to deliver an interesting story to develop it. (“Softball aint easy to learn”). With so little material presented to the reader, the author is unable to truly demonstrate focus. It is likely that the author did not completely understand the purpose and audience of this writing prompt, and thus, this essay thoroughly fails to complete any parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

This story lacks an identifiable plot, setting, characters, or conflict. Not much at all happens in this story.

Organization

No effort has been put into organizing this sparse essay. While it opens with a simple introductory remark, this sentence receives no further elaboration in the body, which itself lacks a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inappropriate for this writing task. Basic errors, combined with inadequate development, conspire to render the author’s message essentially meaningless.

Mechanics & Conventions

Every sentence, excluding the final one, is rife with errors in grammar, mechanics (“Softball aint easy to learn”), punctuation, and spelling (“elementry sch”) that significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Bad Things Lead To Good

We have all encountered bad situations in our lives that later turned out to lead to good things. Think of a time when a bad situation actually resulted in a good outcome. What happened? What did you learn from this experience? Write an essay about a bad situation that you have encountered that later turned out positively and what you learned from the experience.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I heard the dreadfully terrible news, the summer I was eleven, I wanted to go back in time and change what had happened. Of course, I knew that I could not and that I would have to live life the way it was now. Eventually, the time passed and with it came good news and brightened my future.

As soon as I walked inside the silent house, I knew something was wrong. Everyone and everything knew. The sun hid behind the dark, gloomy clouds and the roar of thunder was heard. The red-breasted birds stopped singing their melodious songs of greeting. An eerie chill ran up my spine and the hairs on my neck stood frozen.

Before me lay a scene I will never forget. The glistening of the silver badge, the black boot shining from their new polishing, the holster holding the frightening gun, and the calmness on his face were all noticed. There was a police officer standing in my living room, trying to calm my weeping mother. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face was white as a ghost’s.

The news he delivered was not pleasant. My twenty-year-old uncle, who had a scholarship to Yale, a young daughter that could have been on Gerber commercials and a supermodel look-alike for a wife, was dead. He had been killed in a fatal car accident, leaving this world forever with his loving family left behind.

Never in my life had I been so upset or cried so much. I cried days and then nights, until finally I did not have any tears left. It did not matter if anyone saw me, I did not care. All I wanted was for what had happened to change.

A couple weeks after his death, our family received a letter. We were to report somewhere for the reading of his will. I did not go for I was too upset and if I heard this then it would have to be true that he was dead, and would never come back. I clung to the memories of his presence and told myself that it was all just a dream and soon I would wake in a cold sweat to find everything normal again.

“Everything is going to be ok.” My mother reassured. “ With all bad news something good happens.”

How could anything good come from my uncle’s death? I gave her one of those are-you-crazy-I-can-not-believe-that-you-just-said-that kind of look. Then a rush of joy suddenly swept over me, making me happy once again. The clouds came out of hiding and the brilliant sun shone. The chirping of birds could be heard as they hopped around in search of food for their babies. My heart was lifted from the ground where it had fallen.

We had inherited some money from his will. It was not a whole bunch of money, and we did not need it, but it was a reassuring thought. This made me a little more joyful, but I would have easily given all of it back to have my uncle return to this world and live his life. The money was put into savings bonds for college for my siblings and me. I realized something that summer, the sun may hide for a while and darken your days, but eventually it will come out and shine

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, the author very effectively communicates a message to the reader. The essay establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author uses a wide variety of details and sensory descriptions in telling the story of the “bad” event that occurred. Notice how, for example, the author describes the crying mother – “Her eyes were red and puffy and her face was white as a ghost’s.” Descriptive sentences like these make the essay more meaningful to the reader.

Organization

This response demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure that is organized chronologically. The writer uses foreshadowing in the introduction to grab the reader’s attention and figurative language in the conclusion to reinforce the positive outcome (“I realized something that summer, the sun may hide for a while and darken your days, but eventually it will come out and shine”). Transitional devices are used throughout to help the story progress smoothly.

Language Use & Style

This writer uses language precisely and effectively in this essay. Notice the use of sensory modifiers to enhance the writer’s first exposure to the police officer (“The glistening of the silver badge, the black boot shining from their new polishing, the holster holding the frightening gun, and the calmness on his face were all noticed”). The author also demonstrates a defined voice (“I gave her one of those are-you-crazy-I-can-not-believe-that-you-just-said-that kind of look”) and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured, varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MORE MONEY ON MY ACCOUNT?" I said. I was staring in the face of the lunch lady for five minutes. I was in the state of shock. I could not believe I was listening to this. It could not be true - it just could not be possible!

When I found out that my lunch account was zero a few weeks ago, I was stunned, my heart had literally skipped a few times. I was afraid of my dad who would probably go ballistic. Of all the things in my life that was overwhelming this had to be the worst. I was supposed to be responsible, supposed to be an adult, and supposed to make sure things were right.

This was the most horrible experience of my life. Everything came crashing down in my own world. Looking at the papers in disbelief, filled with so many numbers and words. A hundred dollars gone in less then a month. I was full of rage, all my life I had never had a problem with money but now I did? I could not just go to my dad and say they made a mistake when all he would say is it was me who made the mistake and that I was supposed to be responsible.

Well acting like an adult, I had to handle it my own way. I talked to the lunch lady and explained the impossibilities. She told me I was wrong, that I did spend all the money I had in my account. The fact is there was no way I could spend a hundred dollars on food in less than a month. The food was not worth ten dollars! I should have made a list of what I bought.

"Should've made a copy of the receipt" I kept on telling myself. The receipt they gave me, I gave to my dad. That was a big issue. My dad had the receipt and if I asked him for it, he would get suspicious. I should have made a copy of it so I would have one. The lunch lady who kept all the money and receipts said she would check. I was waiting in suspense, maybe I was wrong. How could I face it with my dad? What was I to do? Should I just make some food to bring for breakfast, lunch and after my wrestling practice? Enticing as that sounds, it just made me sick to my stomach.

"You were right missy," the lunch lady said. I gaped at her and could not stop. Then when the words finally found there way to my brain I was jumping with joy. I hugged the lunch lady - all the madness and anger that was towards her had disappeared. After leaving the cafeteria, I was singing aloud while everyone stared at me. What I have learned from this was to be responsible for what is in your possession. To always make adult decisions, and to always be prepared for the unknown. This experience made me think about my future. I do not want to go through that again. So from now on, I will be responsible of what I do and be prepared.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer is successful at establishing and maintaining a clear controlling idea (“When I found out that my lunch account was zero a few weeks ago, I was stunned”) and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of the prompt.

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas clearly, using sufficient appropriate details to describe both the “bad” event and what was learned from it (“What I have learned from this was to be responsible for what is in your possession. To always make adult decisions, and to always be prepared for the unknown”).

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and sophisticated conclusion. The body paragraphs are organized chronologically as the story is told.

Language Use & Style

The language used by this author is appropriate for the audience and describes the depth of the author’s emotion and uncertainty. There is evidence of the author’s voice and a clear sense of audience -- the opening line written in capital letters quickly catches the reader’s attention and establishes the writer’s feeling of surprise as the “bad” situation unfolds. The sentences are well structured with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling in this essay. Any errors (“Then when the words finally found there way”) do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people have horrible memories, especially when they lose something or someone special. Personally I have lost something special to me. My cat, Tiger, died on the morning of November 29, 2003. He was a wild cat, but enjoyable and loving. A Tiger joined our family when he was a couple of days old. We did not even think he was going to make it, but with our love and our care, he survived. He soon became part of our family.

Our cat Tiger was something that we needed to warm up our hearts. To us he was just like a human being. By the day Tiger kept on getting bigger and healthier. That is when we knew Tiger would be in our hearts forever. We also hoped he would be in our lives forever.

Months passed and Tiger was still with us. We loved him so much we treated him like family. He was something that we knew we had to protect him. Deep down inside we knew one day Tiger was going to leave or lives, but we prevented that from happening soon. Then the day came when Tiger was gone.

On the morning of November 29, 2003, we woke up and found Tiger laying in the middle of street dead. I ran inside to warn the rest of the family. Tears started pouring down my face. That was when I knew I was never going to see or hear a meow again. That morning I wanted to go out and pick him up with my bare hands, but I knew there was nothing I could do.

Months have passed and I still can remember the day that my cat Tiger is dead. I overcame my sadness by realizing that more than 5,000 cats get killed in the world today. We have set out to find a cat who will take the place of my cat Tiger. To this day Tiger still stays on my lonely mind, and I will never forget the wonderful memories.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay establishes a controlling idea (“Many people have horrible memories, especially when they lose something or someone special”) and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience. The writer completes many parts of the task, but inadequately describes the positive outcome.

Content & Development

The author uses an adequate amount of detail to support the narrative and describe the “bad” event. More could be said about the positive impact, however. As it is, the reader is simply told, “I will never forget the wonderful memories.” The writer should describe what some of these memories were and how this experience turned out to be positive.

Organization

This response demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and body paragraphs that are organized chronologically. Transitional devices are used to help guide the reader through the essay (“Then the day came when Tiger was gone” and “Months have passed and I still can remember”).

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice. It maintains an awareness of the audience and uses mostly correct sentence structure with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in grammar, mechanics (“He was something that we knew we had to protect him”), punctuation, and spelling can be detected, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I was in sixth grade I was happy but then my parents decided we were going to move. I felt like I was being shiped off to military camp and there was no coming back. We all said Are goodbyes to our friends and headed off to our new home.

When we got there it felt like being in a desert there wasnt another house for two blocks away. We all got unpacked and I went outside to look at the surounding terian. There was nothing it was all desert. There while I was looking around I saw my first wild triantula. It was crawling to its hole with something in its mouth I didnt want to know what it was.

The next day when I went to school on the bus I was sitting all alone then someone came and sat down. I didnt know who he was and I didnt want to know I was feeling so miserable that I wasnt in the mood for talking. He started to talk to me but I wasnt listening I just kept noding my head here and there. But then he said the a word that I picked up it was the name of my favorite band the auqubats. After that I had my first new friend. His name was sam he introduced me to some other people who are now some of my best friends.

This is my story of how some bad things can lead to good things. This story is still going and I dont think it will ever end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response does establish a controlling idea (“When I was in sixth grade I was happy but then my parents decided we were going to move”) but, due to the sparse amount of detail in the essay, only partially communicates the author’s message and completes the task.

Content & Development

The ideas in this essay are developed briefly and inconsistently. For instance, the author’s description of the “bad” event is incomplete – more could be said about why the move took place and how this affected the author (“I felt like I was being shiped off to military camp and there was no coming back”). Moreover, the author should have written more about how the event turned positive (“After that I had my first new friend”).

Organization

This essay conveys evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and some use of transitional devices (“The next day when I went to school”).

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay tends to be simple with a limited awareness of the audience and control of voice; the sentences are also simple and some errors in word choice are evident (“We all said Are goodbyes”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“When we got there it felt like being in a desert there wasnt another house for two blocks away”), punctuation, and spelling (“surounding”) do interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

A bad thing that happend to me turn out to be good. A few years before I did'nt know what graffittie was, as a mobber or a tagger iam supposed to know who to use a spray can but i did'nt when i started out. I was also afraid of heights, which is not a good thing for tagging . One of my greatest fear was that would fall off a bridge because my cousin fell off a 15'feet high bridge. Whenhe hit the ground we ran to go see if he was ok but little that I knew he was up up up up and away already on the bridge but I succed with my fears . Its all about can control with out it your tags look ugly u also need to use colors. IN counclusion I learnd how 2be good

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In general, this response suggests a controlling idea (“A few years before I did'nt know what graffittie was, as a mobber or a tagger iam supposed to know who to use a spray can but i did'nt when i started out”) but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the prompt and audience that will read it.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details to support the central idea. It is unclear to the reader, for example, exactly what the bad event was and what it taught the author – was it that the cousin fell from a bridge while spraying graffiti? What did this teach the author?

Organization

This response demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure. A separate introduction and conclusion cannot be discerned and there is no evidence of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Overall, the writer demonstrates poor language use, with little awareness of audience; the author makes basic errors in sentence structure (“Whenhe hit the ground we ran to go see if he was ok but little that I knew he was up up up up and away already on the bridge but I succed with my fears”), word choice, and usage (“u also need to use colors”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Significant errors in grammar (“A bad thing that happend to me turn out to be good”), mechanics, punctuation (“did'nt”), and spelling (“happend”) substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Drug and Alcohol abuse has been a bad thing turned good. It all start when I went to South East Asia , and indulged in all the impropriaties available. This is nothing to be proud of, but in the long run was a bad thing gone bad turned good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay essentially completes no part of the assigned task. While a controlling idea is introduced, it is neither described nor put into a meaningful context for the reader. Upon reading this essay, the reader would not be able to recount what the writer’s experience was, how it turned good, nor what it taught the writer.

Content & Development

In this essay, the writer makes no attempt to use details to support the central idea (“Drug and Alcohol abuse has been a bad thing turned good”). The experience itself is left undeveloped, and the reader is never told how the writer learned from the experience.

Organization

This essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, lacks an introduction and conclusion, and shows no meaningful use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure (“but in the long run was a bad thing gone bad turned good”), word choice, and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response contains major errors in grammar (“It all start when”), mechanics, punctuation and spelling (“impropriaties”) that significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Boy Reading

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

"Pedro!" cried his mom, waiting for a response. "Pedro!" she shouted again. There was still no reply. Frustrated, she entered his room. Naturally, he was curled up with a comic book. "Pedro. Dinner. Now."

"But Mom...can I just finish this page?" the eight-year-old whined.

"No. Now."

Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him. As their mother entered, bringing in a dish of quesadillas, the front door opened and in came Dad, with a bright smile on his face. However, the smell of the melted cheese was wafting in the air, distracting the children. The adults were seated, and quickly plates were filled with the delicious food.

By eleven o 'clock that night, everyone in the Martinez house was sound asleep, except for Pedro. With a small flashlight in his hand, he was finishing his newest comic. The action-packed stories were always a comfort to him. Even with his siblings running around, he could always focus on the story and feel a world away. Pedro's comics were far from collectables, pages were ripped, some were destroyed by water, and others had the remains of late night snacks. To him, however, they were treasures. One was always with him, and he knew almost every story by heart. Eventually, he put the comics away and closed his eyes, but the adventures of Spider Man and Batman stayed with him into his dreams.

The whole house was up by seven the next day. The chaotic morning routine was into effect. Six kids were munching on cereal, while their mother was trying to hurry them along and pack lunches. By eight, everyone was off to school, and both parents were on their way to work. As the bus bounced along the road, again Pedro was sitting by the window, reading his comics.

That afternoon, a storm came into town. Terrified, the teachers were trying to protecting their pupils. An echoed cry of "GET UNDER THE DESKS! PROTECT YOUR EYES!" came from the classrooms. Nobody was prepared for a hurricane this extreme, this was the first major storm of the year. Nervous children clung to their teachers, while the braver ones sat with each other. As the power flickered, huge branches flew by the windows of the classrooms.

Luckily, the school was safe. The administration kept the children well into the afternoon. The whole city was in shock. There was radar and all sorts of devices to predict such storms. However, for some strange reason, it went unnoticed by the meteorologists. Luckily, Pedro had his comics. While everyone else was panicking, he was hunting down evil. By 5 in the afternoon, the administration had contacted every parent that they could reach. The students were to stay their overnight, due to the extreme situation,and they could be picked up the next morning. After all of this information was relayed to the students, certain kids were pulled from their classrooms. Among those selected were the Martinez children. The principal called them in and said in his big booming voice,

"We were unable to reach your parents, but everything is fine. We will contact them in the morning." Before any of them had a chance to reply, they were shuttled out and two other kids were brought in to hear the same speech.

A nervous night in school came and passed, and by 10 o'clock the next day, the storm had passed and almost all of the students were gone. However, nobody had come to claim Pedro and his brothers and sisters. Around noon, Mrs. Smith, a neighbor, stopped by. Somberly, she drove them back to their house...or what was left of one.

The foundation was there, but the walls had collapsed, and their belongings were scattered along the street, mixed in with garbage and branches. Mrs. Martinez was waiting by the curb, her eyes wet with tears.

"Where's Daddy?" asked Maria, the youngest.

"He..he..stayed at the office we think. I'm sure he'll come home soon," she stumbled, but little assurance was found in her voice. Pedro had wandered off to the backyard, where only stumps of his favorite trees remained. Strewn along the ground were many of the things that were once in his room. Scared, worried, and exhausted, he searched among the rubble. Buried under some other belongs lay a comic. Soaked through by the rain, the pages had stuck together. Pedro sat on a stump and slowly pealed the first pages apart, and began to read. Amidst the hectic surroundings and unfortunate scenario, he read. The comfort that he had always found in his super hero stories returned. And even if it was only for a little while, he forgot about everything around him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays very effective focus and meaning, as it demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is demonstrated very effectively. (“ By eleven o'clock that night, everyone in the Martinez house was sound asleep, except for Pedro. With a small flashlight in his hand, he was finishing his newest comic. The action-packed stories were always a comfort to him. Even with his siblings running around, he could always focus on the story and feel a world away. Pedro's comics were far from collectables, pages were ripped, some were destroyed by water, and others had the remains of late night snacks. To him, however, they were treasures. One was always with him, and he knew almost every story by heart. Eventually, he put the comics away and closed his eyes, but the adventures of Spider Man and Batman stayed with him into his dreams.”)

The setting (where and when the story takes place) is developed very effectively. (“ Pedro had wandered off to the backyard, where only stumps of his favorite trees remained. Strewn along the ground were many of the things that were once in his room. Scared, worried, and exhausted, he searched among the rubble. Buried under some other belongs lay a comic. Soaked through by the rain, the pages had stuck together. Pedro sat on a stump and slowly pealed the first pages apart, and began to read. Amidst the hectic surroundings and unfortunate scenario, he read. The comfort that he had always found in his super hero stories returned. And even if it was only for a little while, he forgot about everything around him.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed very effectively. (“ Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him. As their mother entered, bringing in a dish of quesadillas, the front door opened and in came Dad, with a bright smile on his face. However, the smell of the melted cheese was wafting in the air, distracting the children. The adults were seated, and quickly plates were filled with the delicious food.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting and creates complex characters. Furthermore, the essay clearly establishes tension that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Very effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him.”)

Dialogue is used very effectively to illustrate the problem in the story. (“That afternoon, a storm came into town. Terrified, the teachers were trying to protecting their pupils. An echoed cry of ‘GET UNDER THE DESKS! PROTECT YOUR EYES!’ came from the classrooms. Nobody was prepared for a hurricane this extreme, this was the first major storm of the year. Nervous children clung to their teachers, while the braver ones sat with each other. As the power flickered, huge branches flew by the windows of the classrooms.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“By eleven o'clock that night, everyone in the Martinez house was sound asleep, except for Pedro. With a small flashlight in his hand, he was finishing his newest comic. The action-packed stories were always a comfort to him. Even with his siblings running around, he could always focus on the story and feel a world away. Pedro's comics were far from collectables, pages were ripped, some were destroyed by water, and others had the remains of late night snacks. To him, however, they were treasures. One was always with him, and he knew almost every story by heart. Eventually, he put the comics away and closed his eyes, but the adventures of Spider Man and Batman stayed with him into his dreams. …The whole house was up by seven the next day. The chaotic morning routine was into effect. Six kids were munching on cereal, while their mother was trying to hurry them along and pack lunches. By eight, everyone was off to school, and both parents were on their way to work. As the bus bounced along the road, again Pedro was sitting by the window, reading his comics.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is evident in this essay. The writer captures the readers’ attention by cleverly opening the story. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. An ending that pulls the entire story together is also demonstrated.

The beginning demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention with detail by including an exclamation from a character that is used to foreshadow future events in the story. (“‘Pedro!’ cried his mom, waiting for a response. ‘Pedro!’ she shouted again. There was still no reply. Frustrated, she entered his room. Naturally, he was curled up with a comic book. ‘Pedro. Dinner. Now.’”)

Transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“That afternoon, a storm came into town. … Luckily, the school was safe.”)

The ending very effectively includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“‘He..he..stayed at the office we think. I'm sure he'll come home soon,’ she stumbled, but little assurance was found in her voice. Pedro had wandered off to the backyard, where only stumps of his favorite trees remained. Strewn along the ground were many of the things that were once in his room. Scared, worried, and exhausted, he searched among the rubble. Buried under some other belongs lay a comic. Soaked through by the rain, the pages had stuck together. Pedro sat on a stump and slowly pealed the first pages apart, and began to read. Amidst the hectic surroundings and unfortunate scenario, he read. The comfort that he had always found in his super hero stories returned. And even if it was only for a little while, he forgot about everything around him.”)

The beginning and the ending are connected very effectively, as the writer ties in the concept of the significance of the comic book. (“‘Pedro!’ cried his mom, waiting for a response. ‘Pedro!’ she shouted again. There was still no reply. Frustrated, she entered his room. Naturally, he was curled up with a comic book. ‘Pedro. Dinner. Now.’ … Buried under some other belongs lay a comic. Soaked through by the rain, the pages had stuck together. Pedro sat on a stump and slowly pealed the first pages apart, and began to read. Amidst the hectic surroundings and unfortunate scenario, he read. The comfort that he had always found in his super hero stories returned. And even if it was only for a little while, he forgot about everything around him.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The second paragraph is aligned well with the first paragraph through the following language and tone (as both paragraphs use complex sentences): “ ‘Pedro!’ cried his mom, waiting for a response. ‘Pedro!’ she shouted again. There was still no reply. Frustrated, she entered his room. Naturally, he was curled up with a comic book. ‘Pedro. Dinner. Now.’ … Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him. As their mother entered, bringing in a dish of quesadillas, the front door opened and in came Dad, with a bright smile on his face. However, the smell of the melted cheese was wafting in the air, distracting the children. The adults were seated, and quickly plates were filled with the delicious food.”

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him. As their mother entered, bringing in a dish of quesadillas, the front door opened and in came Dad, with a bright smile on his face. However, the smell of the melted cheese was wafting in the air, distracting the children. The adults were seated, and quickly plates were filled with the delicious food. …By eleven 'clock that night, everyone in the Martinez house was sound asleep, except for Pedro. With a small flashlight in his hand, he was finishing his newest comic. The action-packed stories were always a comfort to him. Even with his siblings running around, he could always focus on the story and feel a world away. Pedro's comics were far from collectables, pages were ripped, some were destroyed by water, and others had the remains of late night snacks. To him, however, they were treasures. One was always with him, and he knew almost every story by heart. Eventually, he put the comics away and closed his eyes, but the adventures of Spider Man and Batman stayed with him into his dreams.”)

The complex sentence, “ Angered at his mother's decision, he trudged into the kitchen, receiving glares from his five brothers and sisters who had been impatiently waiting for him,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions with f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ The administration kept the children well into the afternoon.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The chaotic morning routine was into effect.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The whole house was up by seven the next day.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was.

One day while he was walking toward his favorite spot to soak up the sun he saw something that caught his eye. A bright orange and white colored book sat right next to the place that he always relaxed throughout the hot sunny days. He squatted down and picked up the book by its spine. It was so worn out and even burnt in a few places. But to Santiago , this was his pot of gold. Cracking his book open, he only saw what seemed to be scribbles and shapes. Frustrated he slammed the book shut and threw it across all of the garbage. He was surprised at how angry he became as he ran home in tears. With no shoes he cursed at each time his foot hit the ground and landed on something hard or sharp. Quickly, he felt as if the whole world seemed to hate him.

"This is all because of my parents." He cried to himself. "They had to leave me here in this horrible town with rats, and garbage, disease, and no food." Santiago began to feel the anger building up more and more. "I am fourteen years old and I still have no idea how to read! I don't know math, and I don't know anything about this world...does everyone live this way? Does everyone feel like this? Why me...Why?"

Santiago cried and cried for hours, and it was all frustration from a beat up discarded book that he found. Little did he know that this book would change his life forever.

The next morning Santiago made his daily trip down the roads of his town searching for anything to eat. Hunger filled his stomach, and his heart. He was so hungry for someone to care, for someone to help. Yet no one ever came. In Santiago 's town everyone was for themselves. As Santiago made his way down the streets he saw people eating from a basket filled with bananas. Santiago rushed to the bananas trying to beat everyone else there. Suddenly, he felt his bare toe catch on something and he knew that he was about to take a fall. As Santiago stumbled to the dirt road, stinging and pain came on his right knee. Tears swelled in his eyes as he clutched his knee and saw blood. He searched for what he tripped on, and would make him hungry for the rest of the day. Santiago was shocked when he saw the orange book that had made him miserable for the past twenty four hours. As he picked it up, he swept away the dirt, and for the first time saw its title, "Never Give up". Maybe there was hope in his life, he thought. There had been so many things in his life so far, and this was one of the few positive that would change Santiago 's life forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are displayed in this essay. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The setting (where and when the story happens) is developed effectively. (“ Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“ As Santiago stumbled to the dirt road, stinging and pain came on his right knee. Tears swelled in his eyes as he clutched his knee and saw blood. He searched for what he tripped on, and would make him hungry for the rest of the day. Santiago was shocked when he saw the orange book that had made him miserable for the past twenty four hours.”)

The details of the story support the topic and purpose effectively. (“ Santiago was shocked when he saw the orange book that had made him miserable for the past twenty four hours. As he picked it up, he swept away the dirt, and for the first time saw its title, ‘Never Give up’. Maybe there was hope in his life, he thought. There had been so many things in his life so far, and this was one of the few positive that would change Santiago 's life forever.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates good content and development with a well-developed plot and setting provided. Furthermore, the writer creates believable characters and establishes a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters are developed in effective detail. (“ Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was.”)

Effective sensory detail develops the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“ Santiago began to feel the anger building up more and more. … Santiago cried and cried for hours, and it was all frustration from a beat up discarded book that he found. Little did he know that this book would change his life forever.”)

Details effectively describe the story’s problem and why it is a problem. (“ Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was. … ‘This is all because of my parents.’ He cried to himself. ‘They had to leave me here in this horrible town with rats, and garbage, disease, and no food.’ Santiago began to feel the anger building up more and more. ‘I am fourteen years old and I still have no idea how to read! I don't know math, and I don't know anything about this world...does everyone live this way? Does everyone feel like this? Why me...Why?’”)

Details effectively describe the story’s solution. (“ Santiago was shocked when he saw the orange book that had made him miserable for the past twenty four hours. As he picked it up, he swept away the dirt, and for the first time saw its title, ‘Never Give up’. Maybe there was hope in his life, he thought. There had been so many things in his life so far, and this was one of the few positive that would change Santiago 's life forever.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development, while the ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The mood in the beginning is set effectively with sensory words (feels, smells, looks, sounds, etc.). (“ Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events in the story. (“ One day while he was walking toward his favorite spot to soak up the sun he saw something that caught his eye. … The next morning Santiago made his daily trip down the roads of his town searching for anything to eat.”)

The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was.”)

The ending effectively includes details about the resolution and character’s feelings. (“ Santiago was shocked when he saw the orange book that had made him miserable for the past twenty four hours. As he picked it up, he swept away the dirt, and for the first time saw its title, ‘Never Give up’. Maybe there was hope in his life, he thought. There had been so many things in his life so far, and this was one of the few positive that would change Santiago 's life forever.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates good language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ One day while he was walking toward his favorite spot to soak up the sun he saw something that caught his eye. A bright orange and white colored book sat right next to the place that he always relaxed throughout the hot sunny days. He squatted down and picked up the book by its spine. It was so worn out and even burnt in a few places. But to Santiago , this was his pot of gold. Cracking his book open, he only saw what seemed to be scribbles and shapes. Frustrated he slammed the book shut and threw it across all of the garbage. He was surprised at how angry he became as he ran home in tears. With no shoes he cursed at each time his foot hit the ground and landed on something hard or sharp. Quickly, he felt as if the whole world seemed to hate him. … The next morning Santiago made his daily trip down the roads of his town searching for anything to eat. Hunger filled his stomach, and his heart. He was so hungry for someone to care, for someone to help. Yet no one ever came. In Santiago 's town everyone was for themselves.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ Santiago lived in a world filled with no hope. He did not attend school, and longed to learn how to read. His parents died from a disease that swept his town less than three years ago. Santiago was on his own; he had nothing and no one. He spent his days in the huge garbage piles that were scatted all around his tattered town. The garbage was his getaway, it was his escape. He thought he belonged there in the piles of things that people discarded and didn't care about. Santiago was left alone, and discarded just like the garbage was. …One day while he was walking toward his favorite spot to soak up the sun he saw something that caught his eye. A bright orange and white colored book sat right next to the place that he always relaxed throughout the hot sunny days. He squatted down and picked up the book by its spine. It was so worn out and even burnt in a few places. But to Santiago , this was his pot of gold. Cracking his book open, he only saw what seemed to be scribbles and shapes. Frustrated he slammed the book shut and threw it across all of the garbage. He was surprised at how angry he became as he ran home in tears. With no shoes he cursed at each time his foot hit the ground and landed on something hard or sharp. Quickly, he felt as if the whole world seemed to hate him.”)

The complex sentence, “ Cracking his book open, he only saw what seemed to be scribbles and shapes,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. There are a f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ He was so hungry for someone to care, for someone to help.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Little did he know that this book would change his life forever.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Yet no one ever came.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

In the year 1945 and atomic bomb hit Tokyo , Japan . The bomb killed many and wrecked a lot. Many children, like Matthew, had families and a pretty good life with descent pay. After the bombing, Matthew's life was shattered.

Matthew is an 11 year old boy that lives in Japan , about fifty miles away from Tokyo . Before the bomb hit he had a regular life for that area. He had parents, who worked with descent pay, three brothers and grandparents, living in a three bedroom apartment.

The war against America was devastating to Japan . They did not have enough men volunteer so they enrolled a man from each family that was able to fight. Unfortunately, Matthew is not old enough to go so his father had to leave and fight. After he left that was the last time they heard from him. Matthew's mother now had to work all day and night to support the family as best as she could. Matthew is the oldest of the children. His brothers are eight, six, and three. Mathew's grandparents died when the bomb hit. The apartment seemed it was getting bigger but it was just the family getting smaller.

The family does not have any money to get a good education. One day Matthew was walking to go get some supplies, and he saw something interesting. Matthew was like many other boys just curious, and he went into the white field. The field looked like a snow covered plain. When he looked closer it was a burned down library that was hit when the bomb hit. There was ash everywhere. He looked around and no one was there so he kept looking on the ground. Matthew finally found something that was not burnt. It was a school book. This would have been the first learning he would have had since his dad left for war. Matthew found a spot to sit and read. He tried to read as much as he could but he did not understand some of the characters, and what he did understand became an adventure for him. He saw himself as the people he was reading about, and the enjoyment he got out of it was amazing. He was so extremely dazzled with all the things he learned about history. Matthew kept the book and taught it to his brothers. His brothers were well educated because Matthew taught them and pursued the education that many do not want today.

During this time period many children lost what they had and never got the time of day to dream or live the life they could of. This war affected more then America . It affected the families just like Matthew's. If the war would stop the wealthier countries could have helped instead of and give money to prevent poverty so all children can learn dream and enjoy life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are demonstrated in this essay, with a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“ Matthew finally found something that was not burnt. It was a school book. This would have been the first learning he would have had since his dad left for war. Matthew found a spot to sit and read. He tried to read as much as he could but he did not understand some of the characters, and what he did understand became an adventure for him. He saw himself as the people he was reading about, and the enjoyment he got out of it was amazing. He was so extremely dazzled with all the things he learned about history. Matthew kept the book and taught it to his brothers.”)

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated. (“In the year 1945 and atomic bomb hit Tokyo , Japan . The bomb killed many and wrecked a lot. Many children, like Matthew, had families and a pretty good life with descent pay. After the bombing, Matthew's life was shattered.”)

Details about characters are adequate. (“Matthew is an 11 year old boy that lives in Japan , about fifty miles away from Tokyo . Before the bomb hit he had a regular life for that area. He had parents, who worked with descent pay, three brothers and grandparents, living in a three bedroom apartment.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are established in this essay, which provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer also establishes conflict that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“ The family does not have any money to get a good education. One day Matthew was walking to go get some supplies, and he saw something interesting. Matthew was like many other boys just curious, and he went into the white field. The field looked like a snow covered plain. When he looked closer it was a burned down library that was hit when the bomb hit. There was ash everywhere. He looked around and no one was there so he kept looking on the ground. Matthew finally found something that was not burnt. It was a school book.”)

There is adequate sensory detail about the setting (how it looks, smells, feels, etc.). (“In the year 1945 and atomic bomb hit Tokyo , Japan . The bomb killed many and wrecked a lot. Many children, like Matthew, had families and a pretty good life with descent pay. After the bombing, Matthew's life was shattered. …

There is adequate information about what happened before the event. (“The war against America was devastating to Japan . They did not have enough men volunteer so they enrolled a man from each family that was able to fight. Unfortunately, Matthew is not old enough to go so his father had to leave and fight. After he left that was the last time they heard from him. Matthew's mother now had to work all day and night to support the family as best as she could. Matthew is the oldest of the children. His brothers are eight, six, and three. Mathew's grandparents died when the bomb hit. The apartment seemed it was getting bigger but it was just the family getting smaller.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is provided in this essay, which features an interesting opening to the story that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ Unfortunately, Matthew is not old enough to go so his father had to leave and fight. … One day Matthew was walking to go get some supplies, and he saw something interesting.”)

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ In the year 1945 and atomic bomb hit Tokyo , Japan . The bomb killed many and wrecked a lot. Many children, like Matthew, had families and a pretty good life with descent pay. After the bombing, Matthew's life was shattered. …Matthew is an 11 year old boy that lives in Japan , about fifty miles away from Tokyo . Before the bomb hit he had a regular life for that area. He had parents, who worked with descent pay, three brothers and grandparents, living in a three bedroom apartment.”)

The ending states a lesson the writer learned from completing the story. (“ During this time period many children lost what they had and never got the time of day to dream or live the life they could of. This war affected more then America . It affected the families just like Matthew's. If the war would stop the wealthier countries could have helped instead of and give money to prevent poverty so all children can learn dream and enjoy life.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used as well.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The war against America was devastating to Japan . They did not have enough men volunteer so they enrolled a man from each family that was able to fight. Unfortunately, Matthew is not old enough to go so his father had to leave and fight. After he left that was the last time they heard from him. Matthew's mother now had to work all day and night to support the family as best as she could. Matthew is the oldest of the children. His brothers are eight, six, and three. Mathew's grandparents died when the bomb hit. The apartment seemed it was getting bigger but it was just the family getting smaller.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as in the following example, in which very general words and phrases, such as “a lot” and “good,” are used: “ The bomb killed many and wrecked a lot. Many children, like Matthew, had families and a pretty good life with descent pay.” Also, in the first sentence of the essay, the conjunction “and” is used instead of the correct article, “an.”

There is, at times, awkward wording due to some exact words missing, such as “as if” between “seemed” and “it.” (“The apartment seemed it was getting bigger but it was just the family getting smaller.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Matthew is an 11 year old boy that lives in Japan , about fifty miles away from Tokyo .”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ After the bombing, Matthew's life was shattered.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The family does not have any money to get a good education.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

One day there was this boy name Billy Bob who was only 10 years old. He had a good life until their was this horrible tragedy in the city of Stockton , Ca. It was a horrible flood that ruined everything, and left many homeless. He was an only child now sad and miserable bacuse he couldn't find his parents. So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, "I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again." Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. All he had to help him survive was his strength and knowledge.

So the next day he went looking for his mom and dad he couldn't find him so he went back to where he lived and notice that everything was destroyed. He had no shoes on his feet were all black and dirty he was all alone. He saw that other people were in group and he felt like he was alone that no one could help him or save him. All he found was this book that his mom had gave him when he was younger. So he decided to sit down and look at it. He looked around and saw everyone looking around for there belongings that might have made it threw this tragedy. He and his family werevery close he had a wonderful loving family that he couldn't replace and now that was taken away from him.

While he was all alone in this pile of trash and belongings he over heard some people talking. There were friends of his parents they said," thats the Turbin's family son." "Hey Billy Bob we seen your parents their like 2 miles from him, your mom is missing you so much she can't stop crying." he replies "i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story.

The story states the main event. (“So the next day he went looking for his mom and dad he couldn't find him so he went back to where he lived and notice that everything was destroyed. He had no shoes on his feet were all black and dirty he was all alone. He saw that other people were in group and he felt like he was alone that no one could help him or save him. All he found was this book that his mom had gave him when he was younger. So he decided to sit down and look at it. He looked around and saw everyone looking around for there belongings that might have made it threw this tragedy. He and his family werevery close he had a wonderful loving family that he couldn't replace and now that was taken away from him.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“While he was all alone in this pile of trash and belongings he over heard some people talking. There were friends of his parents they said, ‘ thats the Turbin's family son.’ ‘Hey Billy Bob we seen your parents their like 2 miles from him, your mom is missing you so much she can't stop crying.’ he replies ‘i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes’”)

Details about characters are limited. (“One day there was this boy name Billy Bob who was only 10 years old. He had a good life until their was this horrible tragedy in the city of Stockton , Ca. It was a horrible flood that ruined everything, and left many homeless. He was an only child now sad and miserable bacuse he couldn't find his parents. So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, ‘I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again.’ Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. All he had to help him survive was his strength and knowledge.”)

Content & Development

This essay provides limited content and development with an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the story. A problem is stated but not developed, and only some dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“One day there was this boy name Billy Bob who was only 10 years old. He had a good life until their was this horrible tragedy in the city of Stockton , Ca. It was a horrible flood that ruined everything, and left many homeless. He was an only child now sad and miserable bacuse he couldn't find his parents. So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, ‘I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again.’ Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. All he had to help him survive was his strength and knowledge.”)

The characters are developed in only limited detail. (“One day there was this boy name Billy Bob who was only 10 years old. He had a good life until their was this horrible tragedy in the city of Stockton , Ca. It was a horrible flood that ruined everything, and left many homeless. He was an only child now sad and miserable bacuse he couldn't find his parents. So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, ‘I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again.’ Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. All he had to help him survive was his strength and knowledge.”)

The plot is limited. (“While he was all alone in this pile of trash and belongings he over heard some people talking. There were friends of his parents they said, ‘ thats the Turbin's family son.’ ‘Hey Billy Bob we seen your parents their like 2 miles from him, your mom is missing you so much she can't stop crying.’ he replies ‘i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes’”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent within this essay. Provided is an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. Transitions are weak; in addition, the essay only provides readers with some sense of closure.

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ So the next day he went looking for his mom and dad he couldn't find him so he went back to where he lived and notice that everything was destroyed.”)

The beginning includes only limited background information about the event. (“ One day there was this boy name Billy Bob who was only 10 years old. He had a good life until their was this horrible tragedy in the city of Stockton , Ca. It was a horrible flood that ruined everything, and left many homeless. He was an only child now sad and miserable bacuse he couldn't find his parents. So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, ‘I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again.’ Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. All he had to help him survive was his strength and knowledge.”)

The story includes a limited ending, as it does not provide readers with a sense of completeness. (“ While he was all alone in this pile of trash and belongings he over heard some people talking. There were friends of his parents they said, ‘ thats the Turbin's family son.’ ‘Hey Billy Bob we seen your parents their like 2 miles from him, your mom is missing you so much she can't stop crying.’ he replies ‘i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes’”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice; moreover, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ Billy Bob's family wasn't a rich family he had no money to eat or drink and nothing to help him survive in this dark lonely scary place. … So the next day he went looking for his mom and dad he couldn't find him so he went back to where he lived and notice that everything was destroyed. He had no shoes on his feet were all black and dirty he was all alone.”)

The story uses the same word “so” to begin several sentences in the essay. (“ So Billy Bob Turbin Jr said, ‘I miss my family i will search and search for my mother and father so we can become one again.’ … So the next day he went looking for his mom and dad he couldn't find him so he went back to where he lived and notice that everything was destroyed. … So he decided to sit down and look at it.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the article “a” in the following example: “ He saw that other people were in group and he felt like he was alone that no one could help him or save him.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions, with s everal noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence has correctly spelled words. The writer also confuses word forms. (“ While he was all alone in this pile of trash and belongings he over heard some people talking. There were friends of his parents they said, ‘ thats the Turbin's family son.’ ‘Hey Billy Bob we seen your parents their like 2 miles from him, your mom is missing you so much she can't stop crying.’”)

The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“he replies ‘i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes’”)

The writer does not begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“he replies ‘i must go and find them thank you Mrs. Lopes’”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Story

The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.

After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are provided in this essay. The writing demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated only minimally. (“The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay, which provides only a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Furthermore, the story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little or no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Minimal detail is used to develop the main events of the story. (“After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

The setting is not developed in detail. (“The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

Organization

This essay appears to have minimal organization. The opening does not capture the readers’ attention. Moreover, the essay demonstrates little evidence of an ending.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

The beginning includes only minimal background information about the event. (“ The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box. Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box.”)

The story only minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ After a few days knowing that his parents were not coming back he search the area to find food in a pile of trash. In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book. He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world. He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is seen in this essay. The writing shows evidence of poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ In the pile it smelled like something was dead when he was searching he found a book.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “be” in the following example: “ Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found.”

There is repetition in this essay, as the boy in the picture is referred to as “the kid” several times in the first paragraph. (“ The kid in the picture is a kid who was left by his parents because they couldn't support him. When his parents left him in a market he was just walking in the store looking at the things they had. Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found.”)

The story should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. Then it was dark and cold so, the boy slept in a alley in a box.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited in this essay. There are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Thinking that he would see his parents again.”)

The writer does not use the correct verb tense. (“ He open the book and start to read the story in the book. When he was reading the book he start to feel better and his imagination start to take him to a totally different world.”)

The writer does not include correctly spelled words. (“Then the kid the left the store and wonder around in the streets to try to find his parents but, they were nowhere to found. … He was in a world that he wasn't hungary or lonely then he start to looked for more books.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Story

In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning with almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It also provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

The writer does not state the main event of the story. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are inadequate and l ack an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but are not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow, and, as a result, not much happens.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent in this brief, one-paragraph essay. It may have an opening that does no more than repeat the title of the prompt. The story lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Events are not clearly in order. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

The story demonstrates no ending. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are demonstrated in this brief essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Exact words are missing. (“ It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Transitions are needed. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer does not make sure each sentence is a complete sentence. (“It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

The writer does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark. (“ It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

The writer does not demonstrate the correct use of capitalization. (“In the picture you see a boy reading a comic book on spiderman. The boys name is Billy. Billy got separated from his family 2 years ago when a meteor fell a caused the biggest earthquake that split the plates in a couple of pieces. It for billy because he got stuck on the dump side of the island and he couldn't swim back because the piece of the plate”)

Coming of Age

Recall a time in your life when a particular event changed the way you thought about a certain concept, which signaled your transition from childhood to adulthood. Use the texts supplied by your teacher, and/or other readings, as a guideline for using figurative language in coming-of-age stories. Then, using figurative language, write a personal narrative about your coming-of-age experience, and conclude with a reflection on that experience.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

As humans, we have a certain mentality of the world, the way it works, the people in it, and everything else that takes place. People generally aspire to be something. Children are commonly asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" There is a response to this for most children. Sometimes that response is something huge and amazing; other times it seems rather trivial. For me, I aspire to "do" something trivial. I have always desired to drive. I want to feel the rush that comes from accelerating swiftly down straight long roads. I want to cruise past pedestrians in a sad attempt at mockery. Driving is such a simple thing. People drive every day simple as means to get around. To me it's a dream, a dream that started at the young age of five.

As a short and curious child, I was introduced to video games. The first video game I ever experienced was a racing game whose title I don't recall, although I do remember the joy that came from this game. The object was simple: drive fast and win. I experimented with the game for some time and soon became completely immersed in the grainy pixels on my small kitchen television screen. I was totally fascinated with the idea of breezing down highways at top speed like a cheetah after a gazelle; I was hooked. As I grew older the racing experience only got better. New games with new ways to play came around. I began to "learn" more from these new games. Rather than taking the corners nice and easy, these new games introduced a whole new experience, drifting. I soon acquired the skills necessary to do a proper drift. The quick slide around the corner, the screeching of tires as the car slid across the slick race track, and the first person view out of those tinted windows made me feel as if I was really driving that sterling blue, white striped Mustang GT. At that moment I knew driving was something out of the ordinary; it was a spectacular art.

After those many youthful years of experiencing the thrill of rushing down main roads only through my eyes glued on an electronic screen and cheap plastic joysticks resting in my sweaty palms, my fifteenth birthday rolled around. It's the day of my birthday, and it was far from ordinary. Unlike many past birthdays, my mind wasn't on what extraordinary gifts lie underneath that thin layer of glistening blue wrapping paper. I have better things to keep busy with. First things first, as any birthday morning goes, I need a large breakfast consisting of everything a growing boy needs: bacon, eggs, waffles, and bacon. As soon as I devour my stacked meal, it’s on to planning the rest of the day. There's only one other thing on my "to do list" today, get my driver's permit. I'm fifteen and I can finally experience firsthand what driving feels like, as soon as I acquire that sacred piece of paper. I'm as excited as a tornado in a trailer park, but there's one problem. My final obstacle stands there, staring me in the eyes, peering into my soul, blocking the golden doors to my long awaited driving permit, the DMV.

The DMV is that place that everybody hates but we all have to make a routine visit to. It's the place where the lines stretch from one of end of the city to the other, where the wait makes you feel like you're the only one having to suffer while you watch the rest of the world throw a party just outside those cold glass doors. The DMV is where I lost almost all of my anticipation. Everyone there is a bunch of slugs inching across the hot cement, trying to make it to safety, trying to stay alive. I stand in line as my knees begin to weaken and I feel like I could just let my consciousness slip away from me and take a nap right there on the dirty, hard floor of the DMV. After several minutes that feel like weeks, I drag myself up next to the desk and sit down to have my photo taken. The blinding flash causes me to see specks every time I blink, and I question whether my eyeglass prescription may need renewed. The next step is sitting and waiting yet again so that I can take the pointless test and reach my end goal where I'll take hold of the glorious driving permit.

I may have dozed off once or twice; I remember looking around to see that a few people in the room had turned into zombies; it must have been a dream. Eventually, I was called to the testing center where I answered several questions about bananas. I thought it was going to be about driving. (My mistake, America.) However, I passed the dreaded exam with a near perfect score, and I received my shining driver's permit with a picture of myself that must have been of someone else, but it had my name on it, so I took it. That was one of the best moments of my life. I was now able to take that hulking, ugly, purple minivan for a spin; I was ecstatic. My mother then let me drive through a lowly populated neighborhood where I was less likely to slaughter small children. I still have plenty of practice to go until I am able to drive as smoothly as in those video games.

To most people, driving is meaningless, a way of getting from point A to point B. To me, though, driving is a gift. It's a hobby almost, something that I do for fun. It's something to look forward to, something to better myself at. As they say, one man's trash is another's treasure. Driving is my treasure, something that I will continue to love for the remainder of my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her coming-of-age experience of obtaining a driver’s permit.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for the day he/she will be permitted to drive. Readers are drawn into these situations and can feel as though they are experiencing the same rite of passage into adulthood. (“As humans, we have a certain mentality of the world, the way it works, the people in it, and everything else that takes place. People generally aspire to be something. Children are commonly asked, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ There is a response to this for most children. Sometimes that response is something huge and amazing; other times it seems rather trivial. For me, I aspire to ‘do’ something trivial. I have always desired to drive. I want to feel the rush that comes from accelerating swiftly down straight long roads. I want to cruise past pedestrians in a sad attempt at mockery. Driving is such a simple thing. People drive every day simple as means to get around. To me it's a dream, a dream that started at the young age of five.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“As I grew older the racing experience only got better. New games with new ways to play came around. I began to ‘learn’ more from these new games. Rather than taking the corners nice and easy, these new games introduced a whole new experience, drifting. I soon acquired the skills necessary to do a proper drift. The quick slide around the corner, the screeching of tires as the car slid across the slick race track, and the first person view out of those tinted windows made me feel as if I was really driving that sterling blue, white striped Mustang GT. At that moment I knew driving was something out of the ordinary; it was a spectacular art.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the “video game versus real-life” scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the emotions and the subsequent experiences in facing his/her life-long goal. (“After those many youthful years of experiencing the thrill of rushing down main roads only through my eyes glued on an electronic screen and cheap plastic joysticks resting in my sweaty palms, my fifteenth birthday rolled around. It's the day of my birthday, and it was far from ordinary. Unlike many past birthdays, my mind wasn't on what extraordinary gifts lie underneath that thin layer of glistening blue wrapping paper. I have better things to keep busy with. First things first, as any birthday morning goes, I need a large breakfast consisting of everything a growing boy needs: bacon, eggs, waffles, and bacon. As soon as I devour my stacked meal, it’s on to planning the rest of the day. There's only one other thing on my ‘to do list’ today, get my driver's permit. I'm fifteen and I can finally experience firsthand what driving feels like, as soon as I acquire that sacred piece of paper. I'm as excited as a tornado in a trailer park, but there's one problem. My final obstacle stands there, staring me in the eyes, peering into my soul, blocking the golden doors to my long awaited driving permit, the DMV.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to his/her 15th birthday and the experiences of obtaining a driver’s permit at the Department of Motor Vehicles. By doing this, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer has developed a passion for driving that goes back to childhood games. (“As a short and curious child, I was introduced to video games. The first video game I ever experienced was a racing game whose title I don't recall, although I do remember the joy that came from this game. The object was simple: drive fast and win. I experimented with the game for some time and soon became completely immersed in the grainy pixels on my small kitchen television screen. I was totally fascinated with the idea of breezing down highways at top speed like a cheetah after a gazelle; I was hooked.”)

The settings included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes descriptions of the long lines and interminable process that all drivers have experienced at the Department of Motor Vehicles. (“The DMV is that place that everybody hates but we all have to make a routine visit to. It's the place where the lines stretch from one of end of the city to the other, where the wait makes you feel like you're the only one having to suffer while you watch the rest of the world throw a party just outside those cold glass doors. The DMV is where I lost almost all of my anticipation. Everyone there is a bunch of slugs inching across the hot cement, trying to make it to safety, trying to stay alive. I stand in line as my knees begin to weaken and I feel like I could just let my consciousness slip away from me and take a nap right there on the dirty, hard floor of the DMV. After several minutes that feel like weeks, I drag myself up next to the desk and sit down to have my photo taken. The blinding flash causes me to see specks every time I blink, and I question whether my eyeglass prescription may need renewed. The next step is sitting and waiting yet again so that I can take the pointless test and reach my end goal where I'll take hold of the glorious driving permit.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details that reflect his/her perspective throughout the narrative. (“I may have dozed off once or twice; I remember looking around to see that a few people in the room had turned into zombies; it must have been a dream. Eventually, I was called to the testing center where I answered several questions about bananas. I thought it was going to be about driving.

[My mistake, America.] However, I passed the dreaded exam with a near perfect score, and I received my shining driver's permit with a picture of myself that must have been of someone else, but it had my name on it, so I took it. That was one of the best moments of my life.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the reader’s attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development and an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of an activity that may seem mundane to most people, but it’s not mundane to the writer. (“For me, I aspire to ‘do’ something trivial. I have always desired to drive. I want to feel the rush that comes from accelerating swiftly down straight long roads. I want to cruise past pedestrians in a sad attempt at mockery. Driving is such a simple thing. People drive every day simple as means to get around. To me it's a dream, a dream that started at the young age of five.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“After those many youthful years of experiencing the thrill of rushing down main roads only through my eyes glued on an electronic screen and cheap plastic joysticks resting in my sweaty palms, my fifteenth birthday rolled around. It's the day of my birthday, and it was far from ordinary. Unlike many past birthdays, my mind wasn't on what extraordinary gifts lie underneath that thin layer of glistening blue wrapping paper. I have better things to keep busy with. First things first, as any birthday morning goes, I need a large breakfast consisting of everything a growing boy needs: bacon, eggs, waffles, and bacon. As soon as I devour my stacked meal, it’s on to planning the rest of the day. There's only one other thing on my ‘to do list’ today, get my driver's permit.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the special pleasure that the writer experiences while driving. (“To most people, driving is meaningless, a way of getting from point A to point B. To me, though, driving is a gift. It's a hobby almost, something that I do for fun. It's something to look forward to, something to better myself at. As they say, one man's trash is another's treasure. Driving is my treasure, something that I will continue to love for the remainder of my life.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the narrative. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences of “virtual” driving. (“ The object was simple: drive fast and win. I experimented with the game for some time and soon became completely immersed in the grainy pixels on my small kitchen television screen. I was totally fascinated with the idea of breezing down highways at top speed like a cheetah after a gazelle; I was hooked.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ That was one of the best moments of my life. I was now able to take that hulking, ugly, purple minivan for a spin; I was ecstatic. My mother then let me drive through a lowly populated neighborhood where I was less likely to slaughter small children. I still have plenty of practice to go until I am able to drive as smoothly as in those video games.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s impatience during the torturous steps involved in the permit process. (“ Everyone there is a bunch of slugs inching across the hot cement, trying to make it to safety, trying to stay alive. I stand in line as my knees begin to weaken and I feel like I could just let my consciousness slip away from me and take a nap right there on the dirty, hard floor of the DMV. After several minutes that feel like weeks, I drag myself up next to the desk and sit down to have my photo taken. The blinding flash causes me to see specks every time I blink, and I question whether my eyeglass prescription may need renewed. The next step is sitting and waiting yet again so that I can take the pointless test and reach my end goal where I'll take hold of the glorious driving permit.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ However, I passed the dreaded exam with a near perfect score, and I received my shining driver's permit with a picture of myself that must have been of someone else, but it had my name on it, so I took it. That was one of the best moments of my life. I was now able to take that hulking, ugly, purple minivan for a spin; I was ecstatic. My mother then let me drive through a lowly populated neighborhood where I was less likely to slaughter small children. I still have plenty of practice to go until I am able to drive as smoothly as in those video games.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I come from a long line of fishermen. Not just any fishermen, but well skilled talented fishermen. My father and his father, an his father before him all were given the nickname "king of the water". My father taught my three elder brothers to fish, and then me. There was always a silent competition between the four of us on who was going to receive that prestigious nickname. We would always tell each other, "You all know it's going to be me, you've seen the way I communicate." The biggest well-kept secret to my families fishing success, is communication. My father would tell us every time we went out, "Communicate with the fish, talk with them." The idea made sense in theory, that if you could communicate with the fish, they would make it easier to catch, but in reality, this method proved difficult.

Despite the years of fishing excellency running through my veins, I was nowhere near the fisherman that my father and brothers were. After years of disappointing 7-8 pound trash fish, my father stopped taking me fishing all together. He found me a waste of time, and a waste of bait. My brothers ridiculed my lack of talent, and always brought up the fact that I had both lost the nickname competition, and that I was the least favorite of my father’s children. I wanted to be a true fisherman so bad I would give my soul to the devil for a solid fish. This method didn't work either.

As the years passed by, the need for the skill to fish didn't. Now 15 years old 7 years after my father gave up on me, I still wanted to be a fisherman just as much, if not more, than I did all those years ago. In my eyes the lack of skill I possessed was a disappointment to my father. That's all I was to him, a disappointment. Though my father refused to take me fishing anymore, I kept going by myself. My skills grew, but not much. I continued only catching small trash fish, that were nothing but dirt to my father. One day I came home from the lake, and my brother was there with a 34 pound catfish. Not a great type, but a great haul none the less. My father was so proud. He probably asked me fifteen times if I saw the fish coleman brought home. I was so full of jealousy and spite that I grabbed my tackle box and left for the lake, with the intentions of not coming back.

I got to the lake, threw out my line, and cried. I was so angry at myself for not being like my brothers or like my father. All of them could pull a twenty pounder out of a puddle, and I could buy a goldfish at a pet store. Night came, and I was planning on sleeping at the lake. Then I heard my father searching for me. He was calling my name, and for the first time, he had actual feeling when he said it. I stayed hidden in a bush and held my breath when he passed me. He kept walking by, and calling my name. I came out of the bush and threw my line out again. It was the middle of the night so I wasn't expecting to catch anything, since the night was one of the worst times to fish.

I sat in my lawn chair chewing on some grass when I noticed something bumping my line. I assumed it was a duck and carried on with my grass. Then out of nowhere something big took my bait. It was too big, I couldn't reel it in by myself. In a state of panic I called out for my father begging for his help. He suprisingly came, but when he saw the position I was in, he just watched. I pleaded for his help, but in my moment of trial, he simply said "No, you can do this, communicate," I fought and fought and in the end reeled it in. It was a 44 pound blue-gill, a rarity this time of year, and in this lake. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and smiled. We embraced, and he said "king of the water."

When I returned home with my prize I didn't gloat, but gave my brothers each a hug and told them I missed them. They congratulated me on the fish, and the nickname.

From this moment on I was no longer a jealous boy, but a man. I grew up so much in that one night. I continued pulling in great fish, and was from that moment on the king of the water.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning of the story, the writer provides well-stated supporting events. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the competition to be named the best fisherman in the family. He/she hints that it is a personal struggle. (“My father and his father, an his father before him all were given the nickname ‘king of the water’. My father taught my three elder brothers to fish, and then me. There was always a silent competition between the four of us on who was going to receive that prestigious nickname. We would always tell each other, ‘You all know it's going to be me, you've seen the way I communicate.’ The biggest well-kept secret to my families fishing success, is communication. My father would tell us every time we went out, ‘Communicate with the fish, talk with them.’ The idea made sense in theory, that if you could communicate with the fish, they would make it easier to catch, but in reality, this method proved difficult.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“As the years passed by, the need for the skill to fish didn't. Now 15 years old 7 years after my father gave up on me, I still wanted to be a fisherman just as much, if not more, than I did all those years ago. In my eyes the lack of skill I possessed was a disappointment to my father. That's all I was to him, a disappointment. Though my father refused to take me fishing anymore, I kept going by myself. My skills grew, but not much. I continued only catching small trash fish, that were nothing but dirt to my father. One day I came home from the lake, and my brother was there with a 34 pound catfish. Not a great type, but a great haul none the less. My father was so proud. He probably asked me fifteen times if I saw the fish coleman brought home. I was so full of jealousy and spite that I grabbed my tackle box and left for the lake, with the intentions of not coming back.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer describes how he/she caught a prize fish and won the nickname “king of the water.” (“Then out of nowhere something big took my bait. It was too big, I couldn't reel it in by myself. In a state of panic I called out for my father begging for his help. He suprisingly came, but when he saw the position I was in, he just watched. I pleaded for his help, but in my moment of trial, he simply said ‘No, you can do this, communicate,’ I fought and fought and in the end reeled it in. It was a 44 pound blue-gill, a rarity this time of year, and in this lake. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and smiled. We embraced, and he said ‘king of the water.’”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character and the frustrating attempts to make his/her father proud. (“After years of disappointing 7-8 pound trash fish, my father stopped taking me fishing all together. He found me a waste of time, and a waste of bait. My brothers ridiculed my lack of talent, and always brought up the fact that I had both lost the nickname competition, and that I was the least favorite of my father’s children. I wanted to be a true fisherman so bad I would give my soul to the devil for a solid fish. This method didn't work either.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“I got to the lake, threw out my line, and cried. I was so angry at myself for not being like my brothers or like my father. All of them could pull a twenty pounder out of a puddle, and I could buy a goldfish at a pet store. Night came, and I was planning on sleeping at the lake. Then I heard my father searching for me. He was calling my name, and for the first time, he had actual feeling when he said it. I stayed hidden in a bush and held my breath when he passed me. He kept walking by, and calling my name. I came out of the bush and threw my line out again. It was the middle of the night so I wasn't expecting to catch anything, since the night was one of the worst times to fish.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ I sat in my lawn chair chewing on some grass when I noticed something bumping my line. I assumed it was a duck and carried on with my grass. Then out of nowhere something big took my bait. It was too big, I couldn't reel it in by myself. In a state of panic I called out for my father begging for his help. He suprisingly came, but when he saw the position I was in, he just watched. I pleaded for his help, but in my moment of trial, he simply said ‘No, you can do this, communicate,’ I fought and fought and in the end reeled it in. It was a 44 pound blue-gill, a rarity this time of year, and in this lake.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning, causing them to wonder which brother will be named the next “king of the water.” (“ I come from a long line of fishermen. Not just any fishermen, but well skilled talented fishermen. My father and his father, an his father before him all were given the nickname ‘king of the water’. My father taught my three elder brothers to fish, and then me. There was always a silent competition between the four of us on who was going to receive that prestigious nickname. We would always tell each other, ‘You all know it's going to be me, you've seen the way I communicate.’ The biggest well-kept secret to my families fishing success, is communication. My father would tell us every time we went out, ‘Communicate with the fish, talk with them.’ The idea made sense in theory, that if you could communicate with the fish, they would make it easier to catch, but in reality, this method proved difficult.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer incorporates effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Despite the years of fishing excellency running through my veins, I was nowhere near the fisherman that my father and brothers were. After years of disappointing 7-8 pound trash fish, my father stopped taking me fishing all together. He found me a waste of time, and a waste of bait. My brothers ridiculed my lack of talent, and always brought up the fact that I had both lost the nickname competition, and that I was the least favorite of my father’s children.”)

The story includes an effective ending. The writer should combine the last two short paragraphs into one for a stronger impact. (“ When I returned home with my prize I didn't gloat, but gave my brothers each a hug and told them I missed them. They congratulated me on the fish, and the nickname.

From this moment on I was no longer a jealous boy, but a man. I grew up so much in that one night. I continued pulling in great fish, and was from that moment on the king of the water.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Though my father refused to take me fishing anymore, I kept going by myself. My skills grew, but not much. I continued only catching small trash fish, that were nothing but dirt to my father. One day I came home from the lake, and my brother was there with a 34 pound catfish. Not a great type, but a great haul none the less. My father was so proud. He probably asked me fifteen times if I saw the fish coleman brought home. I was so full of jealousy and spite that I grabbed my tackle box and left for the lake, with the intentions of not coming back.”)

The language and tone are consistent. (“ I got to the lake, threw out my line, and cried. I was so angry at myself for not being like my brothers or like my father. All of them could pull a twenty pounder out of a puddle, and I could buy a goldfish at a pet store.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the emotion of the moment. (“ I pleaded for his help, but in my moment of trial, he simply said ‘No, you can do this, communicate,’ I fought and fought and in the end reeled it in. It was a 44 pound blue-gill, a rarity this time of year, and in this lake. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and smiled. We embraced, and he said ‘king of the water.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ I continued only catching small trash fish, that were nothing but dirt to my father. One day I came home from the lake, and my brother was there with a 34 pound catfish. Not a great type, but a great haul none the less. My father was so proud. He probably asked me fifteen times if I saw the fish coleman brought home.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Growing up is a part of life, some of us grow up faster than others. Some learn and grow, and others have it forced upon them. You hear about the boys and girls who have no parents and have to take care of their younger siblings as best they can. Fighting against hunger and poverty, not knowing where their next meal will come from, or where they'll stay the night. I am not one of those kids. I grew up with everyone else and never had to be put in one of those situations, welcome to my boring life. I have never had to choose between life or death, struggle and poverty, nope. This is my story of coming of age.

When I was smaller than I am now, I was a little seventh grader. I pulled up to my new middle school, my heart was racing under my new "aeropostale" shirt, as I walked up to the front doors. I stood there looking at them, they were the beginning of my new life, the passage way into my teenager years. Being the new seventh grader in the school all the ninth graders looked like giants, and ferocious creatures waiting to swallow me whole. I darted in and out, weaving my way through the sea of people, finding my way to my first period class. I walked in and saw foreign faces. I knew absolutely no one. I searched the room for someone I wouldn't mind associating with. I sat next to a girl who resembled a barbie doll, she had blonde hair, and pretty blue eyes, and she was incredibly fashionable. I was happy with my choice and smiled at her, she smiled back.

Everything was going good so far, but then tragedy struck when the teacher uttered the words, "seating chart." I got out of my new desk slowly and walked over to the edge of the room, waiting for my name to be called out. There was some hope in my my mind, maybe I would be put with the girl who I was sitting with before, but with my luck I'd get stuck the weird kid who still picked his nose. My name was called out, I looked to see my table mates, it was a quite boy who looked terrified for his life, and a girl who, at my elementary school would've been a total outcast. She had a pink streak in her hair, wore eye shadow, and had a studded bracelet on. I cautiously took my seat. It was cold and hard and confining, like a jail sail. I looked at the girl with the studded bracelet and smiled, wanting to be polite. I was expecting some sort of growl in return, but instead she smiled back at me warmly. As I came to class everyday she would always be there, she was actually very smart and nice and creative like me. We became best friends and are still friends today.

My coming of age was when I realized you can never judge a book by its cover. This girl who looked like a real trouble maker, turned out to be a very smart, creative person who is now my best friend of four years. When I was younger I was quick to judge, but now I try to get to know people before I judge them. I am very open minded about every subject. This is when I realized there is not just one point of view there are thousands, millions, and no single one is right or wrong.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The narrative reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the controlling idea of the story adequately. The essay focuses on an experience that promotes change in the writer’s attitude, which leads to growth. (“Growing up is a part of life, some of us grow up faster than others. Some learn and grow, and others have it forced upon them. You hear about the boys and girls who have no parents and have to take care of their younger siblings as best they can. Fighting against hunger and poverty, not knowing where their next meal will come from, or where they'll stay the night. I am not one of those kids.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“When I was smaller than I am now, I was a little seventh grader. I pulled up to my new middle school, my heart was racing under my new ‘aeropostale’ shirt, as I walked up to the front doors. I stood there looking at them, they were the beginning of my new life, the passage way into my teenager years. Being the new seventh grader in the school all the ninth graders looked like giants, and ferocious creatures waiting to swallow me whole.”)

The writer focuses on the main event of the coming-of-age experience throughout the narrative. (“My coming of age was when I realized you can never judge a book by its cover. This girl who looked like a real trouble maker, turned out to be a very smart, creative person who is now my best friend of four years. When I was younger I was quick to judge, but now I try to get to know people before I judge them.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate development of ideas and content in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The coming-of-age experience holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“I walked in and saw foreign faces. I knew absolutely no one. I searched the room for someone I wouldn't mind associating with. I sat next to a girl who resembled a barbie doll, she had blonde hair, and pretty blue eyes, and she was incredibly fashionable. I was happy with my choice and smiled at her, she smiled back.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the teacher announces assigned seating. (“Everything was going good so far, but then tragedy struck when the teacher uttered the words, ‘seating chart.’ I got out of my new desk slowly and walked over to the edge of the room, waiting for my name to be called out. There was some hope in my my mind, maybe I would be put with the girl who I was sitting with before, but with my luck I'd get stuck the weird kid who still picked his nose. My name was called out, I looked to see my table mates, it was a quite boy who looked terrified for his life, and a girl who, at my elementary school would've been a total outcast.”)

Details adequately describe the story’s solution. (“I cautiously took my seat. It was cold and hard and confining, like a jail sail. I looked at the girl with the studded bracelet and smiled, wanting to be polite. I was expecting some sort of growl in return, but instead she smiled back at me warmly. As I came to class everyday she would always be there, she was actually very smart and nice and creative like me. We became best friends and are still friends today.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an adequate opening to the story that keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. There is an adequate ending to the narrative.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing what the main event is not. The writer goes on to state that an ordinary event led to his/her coming-of-age. (“ Growing up is a part of life, some of us grow up faster than others. Some learn and grow, and others have it forced upon them. You hear about the boys and girls who have no parents and have to take care of their younger siblings as best they can. Fighting against hunger and poverty, not knowing where their next meal will come from, or where they'll stay the night. I am not one of those kids. I grew up with everyone else and never had to be put in one of those situations, welcome to my boring life. I have never had to choose between life or death, struggle and poverty, nope. This is my story of coming of age.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Everything was going good so far, but then tragedy struck when the teacher uttered the words, ‘seating chart.’ I got out of my new desk slowly and walked over to the edge of the room, waiting for my name to be called out. There was some hope in my my mind, maybe I would be put with the girl who I was sitting with before, but with my luck I'd get stuck the weird kid who still picked his nose. My name was called out, I looked to see my table mates, it was a quite boy who looked terrified for his life, and a girl who, at my elementary school would've been a total outcast.”)

The ending demonstrates an adequate attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ My coming of age was when I realized you can never judge a book by its cover. This girl who looked like a real trouble maker, turned out to be a very smart, creative person who is now my best friend of four years. When I was younger I was quick to judge, but now I try to get to know people before I judge them. I am very open minded about every subject. This is when I realized there is not just one point of view there are thousands, millions, and no single one is right or wrong.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The narrative generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ When I was smaller than I am now, I was a little seventh grader. I pulled up to my new middle school, my heart was racing under my new ‘aeropostale’ shirt, as I walked up to the front doors. I stood there looking at them, they were the beginning of my new life, the passage way into my teenager years. Being the new seventh grader in the school all the ninth graders looked like giants, and ferocious creatures waiting to swallow me whole. I darted in and out, weaving my way through the sea of people, finding my way to my first period class. I walked in and saw foreign faces.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes his/her thought processes as seats are assigned in the classroom. (“ I looked to see my table mates, it was a quite boy who looked terrified for his life, and a girl who, at my elementary school would've been a total outcast. She had a pink streak in her hair, wore eye shadow, and had a studded bracelet on. I cautiously took my seat. It was cold and hard and confining, like a jail sail.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I pulled up to my new middle school, my heart was racing under my new ‘aeropostale’ shirt, as I walked up to the front doors. I stood there looking at them, they were the beginning of my new life, the passage way into my teenager years. Being the new seventh grader in the school all the ninth graders looked like giants, and ferocious creatures waiting to swallow me whole. I darted in and out, weaving my way through the sea of people, finding my way to my first period class. I walked in and saw foreign faces. I knew absolutely no one.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ I sat next to a girl who resembled a barbie doll, she had blonde hair, and pretty blue eyes, and she was incredibly fashionable. I was happy with my choice and smiled at her, she smiled back.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

When I was young I went through a lot. My coming of age story is from when I was about 10 and on. It all started when my parents got caught up in some bad things and it made them start to resent each other. I remember the night they told that they were getting a divorce and that my mom was going to be going to rehab in Oklahoma for 8 months and we won't be able to go see her for the whole time. I wasn't shocked. I knew what was going on even though my mom and dad did not know that I knew. I played it off like it was no big deal, I was already use to my mom being gone every night and her already have gone to a rehab before, I don't ever remember my dad being there because he was either at work or with people or doing bad things with my mom. I had to instantly grow up right then and there.

Before everything happened my family had the life! Every weekend we were either going camping or going hunting or at our cabin or skiing or riding our dirt bikes, we had it all. But then my dad lost his job and they got caught up in bad things, when all of a sudden had to stop. We then had no money for anything, not even food.

While my mom was gone my dad got another job but hated what he did. He was always gone working and so me and my brothers had pretty much fend for our self's. We had to get up and ready for school by our self's and make our own food and then do our homework by our self's.

My brothers and I were really lucky though because my aunt and uncle live right next store to us. We even lived with them while my parents were in Florida for a job my dad had. I'm glad how close we got to my Aunt and Uncle because we are still really close to each other and to my cousins!

I cannot complain because now my parents are friends and they talk. Also because of how close we are and how my mom tells me everything and I tell her everything like we are best friends. But also because I had to grow up when I was 10 years old and learn how to live without adults. It has made me and my brothers a lot stronger than any person as young as we were that strong. I am glad I went through it because I don't want to be one of those people that get handed everything and have perfects lives!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“When I was young I went through a lot. My coming of age story is from when I was about 10 and on. It all started when my parents got caught up in some bad things and it made them start to resent each other. I remember the night they told that they were getting a divorce and that my mom was going to be going to rehab in Oklahoma for 8 months and we won't be able to go see her for the whole time.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the emotional experience of growing up with family issues and spends more time listing the sequence of events. (“Before everything happened my family had the life! Every weekend we were either going camping or going hunting or at our cabin or skiing or riding our dirt bikes, we had it all. But then my dad lost his job and they got caught up in bad things, when all of a sudden had to stop. We then had no money for anything, not even food.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she provides vague statements about parents who are not at home to care for the children in the family. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“While my mom was gone my dad got another job but hated what he did. He was always gone working and so me and my brothers had pretty much fend for our self's. We had to get up and ready for school by our self's and make our own food and then do our homework by our self's.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of the writer’s personal experience. The writer discusses coming-of-age but does not include enough information for the readers to understand the transition from a positive family situation to a family in crisis.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Before everything happened my family had the life! Every weekend we were either going camping or going hunting or at our cabin or skiing or riding our dirt bikes, we had it all. But then my dad lost his job and they got caught up in bad things, when all of a sudden had to stop. We then had no money for anything, not even food.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces parents and relatives into the narrative but does not describe them beyond “doing bad things.” (“I remember the night they told that they were getting a divorce and that my mom was going to be going to rehab in Oklahoma for 8 months and we won't be able to go see her for the whole time. I wasn't shocked. I knew what was going on even though my mom and dad did not know that I knew. I played it off like it was no big deal, I was already use to my mom being gone every night and her already have gone to a rehab before, I don't ever remember my dad being there because he was either at work or with people or doing bad things with my mom.”)

There is limited information about what happened during the event. (“My brothers and I were really lucky though because my aunt and uncle live right next store to us. We even lived with them while my parents were in Florida for a job my dad had. I'm glad how close we got to my Aunt and Uncle because we are still really close to each other and to my cousins!”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the reader’s attention by including a startling statement; age ten is surprisingly young for a person to transition from childhood to adulthood. (“ When I was young I went through a lot. My coming of age story is from when I was about 10 and on. It all started when my parents got caught up in some bad things and it made them start to resent each other. I remember the night they told that they were getting a divorce and that my mom was going to be going to rehab in Oklahoma for 8 months and we won't be able to go see her for the whole time. I wasn't shocked. I knew what was going on even though my mom and dad did not know that I knew. I played it off like it was no big deal, I was already use to my mom being gone every night and her already have gone to a rehab before, I don't ever remember my dad being there because he was either at work or with people or doing bad things with my mom. I had to instantly grow up right then and there.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ While my mom was gone my dad got another job but hated what he did. He was always gone working and so me and my brothers had pretty much fend for our self's. We had to get up and ready for school by our self's and make our own food and then do our homework by our self's.”)

The ending does provide some sense of closure, but readers are left wondering what happened. At the very end of the story, the writer reveals that the family has been reunited, but gaps in time make the ending abrupt. (“ I cannot complain because now my parents are friends and they talk. Also because of how close we are and how my mom tells me everything and I tell her everything like we are best friends. But also because I had to grow up when I was 10 years old and learn how to live without adults. It has made me and my brothers a lot stronger than any person as young as we were that strong. I am glad I went through it because I don't want to be one of those people that get handed everything and have perfects lives!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The narrative reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. For example, the writer’s use of “I” is glaringly repetitive. (“ I remember the night they told that they were getting a divorce and that my mom was going to be going to rehab in Oklahoma for 8 months and we won't be able to go see her for the whole time. I wasn't shocked. I knew what was going on even though my mom and dad did not know that I knew. I played it off like it was no big deal, I was already use to my mom being gone every night and her already have gone to a rehab before, I don't ever remember my dad being there because he was either at work or with people or doing bad things with my mom. I had to instantly grow up right then and there.”)

The sentences are too informal, and words are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ My brothers and I were really lucky though because my aunt and uncle live right next store to us. We even lived with them while my parents were in Florida for a job my dad had. I'm glad how close we got to my Aunt and Uncle because we are still really close to each other and to my cousins!”)

Some of the sentences are fragments and need to be rewritten as complete thoughts. (“ Also because of how close we are and how my mom tells me everything and I tell her everything like we are best friends. But also because I had to grow up when I was 10 years old and learn how to live without adults. It has made me and my brothers a lot stronger than any person as young as we were that strong.”) Also, the writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the narrative. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Every weekend we were either going camping or going hunting or at our cabin or skiing or riding our dirt bikes, we had it all. But then my dad lost his job and they got caught up in bad things, when all of a sudden had to stop.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I've learned not to lie to your parents cause they will always find out. Simpley enough, I should not lie about durning in homework, I can not recall the last time I lied to my parents and got away with it. So im going to share this story to you.

One day, I walk into my math class and my teacher Egan gives up a math paper and says it due then next time we have this class, and I'm like boarder line of failing so my dad gets on me about having good grades so I can play football for any Divison one team, so after practice my I get home and my dad asks me if I got all my math homework done I said, but There was no way I wanted to do my math assinment, because I was Having a conversation with this girl I liked over my cell phone. So my dad said "ok". The next day was Tuesday and I didnt have That class today so I was just dandy! But when I got home from practice my asked me if I really turned that math homework or If i was lying to him. I said yes, but he new I was lying cause he checks skyward like everyday, when I lied to him he told my favorite possetion my phone! He wasnt going to give it to me intill I turned In that homework, cause now im failing.so the bext day my football coach had a conversation with me. I had to run after practice, because of one assinment. that night I stayed up all night doing my homework. That next morning I turned in my homework, I could not handle not having my Iphone! The lesson Im telling you is that just do your stuff and never lie about anything, and it will all be ok.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Most of the elements of the prompt task are not satisfied.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“One day, I walk into my math class and my teacher Egan gives up a math paper and says it due then next time we have this class, and I'm like boarder line of failing so my dad gets on me about having good grades so I can play football for any Divison one team, so after practice my I get home and my dad asks me if I got all my math homework done I said, but There was no way I wanted to do my math assinment,”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently enough to give readers a true sense of the relationship between the main event and the prompt task, which requests a coming of age experience. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“because I was Having a conversation with this girl I liked over my cell phone. So my dad said ‘ok’. The next day was Tuesday and I didnt have That class today so I was just dandy! But when I got home from practice my asked me if I really turned that math homework or If i was lying to him.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I said yes, but he new I was lying cause he checks skyward like everyday, when I lied to him he told my favorite possetion my phone! He wasnt going to give it to me intill I turned In that homework, cause now im failing.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make it interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses his/her experiences with math homework, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message about growing up. (“One day, I walk into my math class and my teacher Egan gives up a math paper and says it due then next time we have this class, and I'm like boarder line of failing so my dad gets on me about having good grades so I can play football for any Divison one team, so after practice my I get home and my dad asks me if I got all my math homework done I said, but There was no way I wanted to do my math assinment, because I was Having a conversation with this girl I liked over my cell phone.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“so the bext day my football coach had a conversation with me. I had to run after practice, because of one assinment. that night I stayed up all night doing my homework.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“So my dad said ‘ok’.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the narrative demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. However, the writer fails to connect his/her experience of lying with a transition to adulthood. (“ I've learned not to lie to your parents cause they will always find out. Simpley enough, I should not lie about durning in homework, I can not recall the last time I lied to my parents and got away with it. So im going to share this story to you.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ He wasnt going to give it to me intill I turned In that homework, cause now im failing.so the bext day my football coach had a conversation with me. I had to run after practice, because of one assinment.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ The lesson Im telling you is that just do your stuff and never lie about anything, and it will all be ok.”) The narrative does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the narrative. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The narrative also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ But when I got home from practice my asked me if I really turned that math homework or If i was lying to him. I said yes, but he new I was lying cause he checks skyward like everyday, when I lied to him he told my favorite possetion my phone!”)

There are several run-on sentences in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ One day, I walk into my math class and my teacher Egan gives up a math paper and says it due then next time we have this class, and I'm like boarder line of failing so my dad gets on me about having good grades so I can play football for any Divison one team, so after practice my I get home and my dad asks me if I got all my math homework done I said, but There was no way I wanted to do my math assinment, because I was Having a conversation with this girl I liked over my cell phone.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ I've learned not to lie to your parents cause they will always find out. Simpley enough, I should not lie about durning in homework, I can not recall the last time I lied to my parents and got away with it. So im going to share this story to you.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized task response. (“The next day was Tuesday and I didnt have That class today so I was just dandy! But when I got home from practice my asked me if I really turned that math homework or If i was lying to him. I said yes, but he new I was lying cause he checks skyward like everyday, when I lied to him he told my favorite possetion my phone!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money. and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them. i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is not stated, and the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of coming-of-age. (“ when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed; the writer does not provide details about the characters’ surroundings to help readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money.”)

The writer mentions parents in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, an event in the writer’s life that indicates the transition from childhood to adulthood. (“ when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money.”)

Events are not in any particular order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the narrative. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“when i was little i did not now how my mom and dad got there money and when i got a bit older i still did not now hot they got there money. and one day i went and asked the how they got there money and they told me how they got there money they told me they worked and said one day that i was goning to get a job and then i would get paded to work and i belifed them. i dont have a job but i now how work i went hlped my mom and dad work some times when they realy need my to help them i go help them.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Couple with Bicycles

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Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

A Great Day to Learn

It is May 17, 2012 and it is a beautiful day in New York City. You can hear the birds chirping high up in the trees, you can feel the warm sun beaming against your skin, and can smell the fresh cut grass in the air. Samantha sat on a steel bench that was painted green in the middle of Central park enjoying the beauty of it all. Samantha was born and raised in the heart of New York City. She ha s never left the state because she loves it so much. Samantha is twenty-six years old with dark brown hair with some blonde highlights and big, beautiful brown eyes. She looked like she belonged; she was content and happy in her own skin.

As Samantha started to lie back against the bench, she heard her name being called. She recognized the voice right away; it was her best friend Clark. Clark had short, curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. Samantha and Clark have known each other since the 5th and 6th grade. They grew up on the same street their whole lives and have always stayed in touch. Clark was wearing khaki pants, a light blue Polo shirt, and athletic shoes. He was young, fit, and smart; and he was very excited to see Samantha.

Clark jogged up to Samantha, and gave her a big hug. It had been a month or so since they had seen each other last because Clark had been busy with his new job as a paralegal. They sat down on the bench together and started talking. They decided to spend the day together and catch up, but neither knew what they wanted to do on such a beautiful day. "Let's go on a bike ride through Central Park", Samantha suggested. Clark hesitated; he had never learned how to ride a bike, but he did not want to admit it to her. Every time Samantha wanted to go as children, Clark always found a way out of it, he was ashamed of the fact that he never learned.

"Sam", said Clark, "I don't know how to ride a bike. . ."

"Really?" Samantha was confused. "Is that why you never came with me as kids?"

"Yes", Clark felt embarrassed.

Samantha giggled, "You should have just told me! I could have taught you how. I guess I will just have to teach you now. Let's go back to my house; I have an extra bike. It a great day to learn".

Samantha and Clark walked back to Samantha's house together. On their way there, Sam was telling Clark all about the fundamentals and basics to riding a bike. She told him about the brakes, gears, chain, and the best way to try to keep your balance. When they reached Sam's house and opened the garage, Clark saw the two bikes hanging from the ceiling. That's when he got really nervous. He did not want to fall and get hurt or embarrass himself in front of Samantha, but on the other hand, he did want to learn, and he was secretly excited to be there. They got the bikes down and Samantha slowly started riding to show him how you stop yourself from falling. Clark gets onto the bike carefully and slowly. He starts to pedal when he gets nervous, forgets how to stop himself, and falls off the bike. Samantha helps him up and encourages him to get on and try again so he does.

Clark tries repeatedly; he loses his balance a few times but he remembers to catch himself. Soon Clark could ride up and down the street and he was completely comfortable. Clark starts riding away toward Central Park. Samantha realizes this and hurries to jump on her bike and catch up. They get to go on their bike ride through the park and they ride until the sun starts to set and the air starts to cool but they didn't even notice because they are working so hard.

As it gets darker, they make their way back to Samantha's house. He thanks her for finally teaching him to ride a bike. He gives her a hug and goes to leave when she stops him.

"Hey Clark wait!"

Clark turns around, "Yeah?"

"Why don't you take the bike home? Then you can practice some more and next week we can race around Central Park."

"Wow, are you sure? I could always just buy my own."

"No. I am sure. I want you to have it."

Clark thanks her again and rides his bike home with a huge smile on his face. All the way home, he could not stop thinking about what a great friend he had in Samantha.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes and maintains an insightful central idea throughout the narrative and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using description and details that are all relevant to the story and may go beyond the limits of the task. The writer reflectively showcases his/her ability to construct a very effective narrative and think creatively.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for Clark to reveal the fact that he cannot ride a bike. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they know the characters personally. (“Clark was wearing khaki pants, a light blue Polo shirt, and athletic shoes. He was young, fit, and smart; and he was very excited to see Samantha. Clark jogged up to Samantha, and gave her a big hug. It had been a month or so since they had seen each other last because Clark had been busy with his new job as a paralegal. They sat down on the bench together and started talking. They decided to spend the day together and catch up, but neither knew what they wanted to do on such a beautiful day. ‘Let's go on a bike ride through Central Park’, Samantha suggested. Clark hesitated; he had never learned how to ride a bike, but he did not want to admit it to her.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the narrative as they read. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent events of the characters’ meeting, their relationship, and the day Clark learned to ride a bike. (“‘Let's go on a bike ride through Central Park’, Samantha suggested. Clark hesitated; he had never learned how to ride a bike, but he did not want to admit it to her. Every time Samantha wanted to go as children, Clark always found a way out of it, he was ashamed of the fact that he never learned. ‘Sam’, said Clark, ‘I don't know how to ride a bike.’”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate his/her ideas. The writer keeps the readers engaged throughout the narrative. (“That's when he got really nervous. He did not want to fall and get hurt or embarrass himself in front of Samantha, but on the other hand, he did want to learn, and he was secretly excited to be there. They got the bikes down and Samantha slowly started riding to show him how you stop yourself from falling. Clark gets onto the bike carefully and slowly. He starts to pedal when he gets nervous, forgets how to stop himself, and falls off the bike. Samantha helps him up and encourages him to get on and try again so he does.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with complex characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension/conflict/a problem and builds to the revelation that Clark cannot ride a bike. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story and highlights the relationship between the two characters. A dditionally, dialogue is used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters included in the narrative are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes details about the character’s physical appearances, their personalities, and their pasts. (“You can hear the birds chirping high up in the trees, you can feel the warm sun beaming against your skin, and can smell the fresh cut grass in the air. Samantha sat on a steel bench that was painted green in the middle of Central park enjoying the beauty of it all. Samantha was born and raised in the heart of New York City. She has never left the state because she loves it so much. Samantha is twenty-six years old with dark brown hair with some blonde highlights and big, beautiful brown eyes. She looked like she belonged; she was content and happy in her own skin. As Samantha started to lie back against the bench, she heard her name being called. She recognized the voice right away; it was her best friend Clark. Clark had short, curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. Samantha and Clark have known each other since the 5th and 6th grade. They grew up on the same street their whole lives and have always stayed in touch.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, readers learn about the relationship between the characters and their lives outside of the action of the story. (“They grew up on the same street their whole lives and have always stayed in touch. Clark was wearing khaki pants, a light blue Polo shirt, and athletic shoes. He was young, fit, and smart; and he was very excited to see Samantha. Clark jogged up to Samantha, and gave her a big hug. It had been a month or so since they had seen each other last because Clark had been busy with his new job as a paralegal. They sat down on the bench together and started talking. They decided to spend the day together and catch up, but neither knew what they wanted to do on such a beautiful day.”)

The writer includes very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the development of the conflict throughout the narrative. (“Clark starts riding away toward Central Park. Samantha realizes this and hurries to jump on her bike and catch up. They get to go on their bike ride through the park and they ride until the sun starts to set and the air starts to cool but they didn't even notice because they are working so hard. As it gets darker, they make their way back to Samantha's house. He thanks her for finally teaching him to ride a bike. He gives her a hug and goes to leave when she stops him. ‘Hey Clark wait!’ Clark turns around, ‘Yeah?’ ‘Why don't you take the bike home? Then you can practice some more and next week we can race around Central Park.’”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers' attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The writer very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the story. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the setting of the story and the characters. Through the writer’s description, readers are able to picture vividly the setting of the story in their minds. (“It is May 17, 2012 and it is a beautiful day in New York City. You can hear the birds chirping high up in the trees, you can feel the warm sun beaming against your skin, and can smell the fresh cut grass in the air. Samantha sat on a steel bench that was painted green in the middle of Central park enjoying the beauty of it all. Samantha was born and raised in the heart of New York City. She has never left the state because she loves it so much. Samantha is twenty-six years old with dark brown hair with some blonde highlights and big, beautiful brown eyes. She looked like she belonged; she was content and happy in her own skin.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. The story flows smoothly from one moment to the next, and the timing of the plot is consistent and easy for readers to follow. (“Samantha helps him up and encourages him to get on and try again so he does. Clark tries repeatedly; he loses his balance a few times but he remembers to catch himself. Soon Clark could ride up and down the street and he was completely comfortable. Clark starts riding away toward Central Park.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the friendship between characters and the hope that Clark would learn to ride a bike. (“‘Why don't you take the bike home? Then you can practice some more and next week we can race around Central Park.’ ‘Wow, are you sure? I could always just buy my own.’ ‘No. I am sure. I want you to have it.’ Clark thanks her again and rides his bike home with a huge smile on his face. All the way home, he could not stop thinking about what a great friend he had in Samantha.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the narrative. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the experiences of the characters. The writer very effectively describes the characters, their meeting, and their past to the readers. (“ She has never left the state because she loves it so much. Samantha is twenty-six years old with dark brown hair with some blonde highlights and big, beautiful brown eyes. She looked like she belonged; she was content and happy in her own skin. As Samantha started to lie back against the bench, she heard her name being called. She recognized the voice right away; it was her best friend Clark. Clark had short, curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. Samantha and Clark have known each other since the 5th and 6th grade. They grew up on the same street their whole lives and have always stayed in touch. ” )

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the message of the story. (“They decided to spend the day together and catch up, but neither knew what they wanted to do on such a beautiful day. ‘Let's go on a bike ride through Central Park’, Samantha suggested. Clark hesitated; he had never learned how to ride a bike, but he did not want to admit it to her. Every time Samantha wanted to go as children, Clark always found a way out of it, he was ashamed of the fact that he never learned. ‘Sam’, said Clark, ‘I don't know how to ride a bike. ’”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the writer’s personal touch throughout the story. It is obvious that the writer can relate to the story and the characters. (“Clark starts riding away toward Central Park. Samantha realizes this and hurries to jump on her bike and catch up. They get to go on their bike ride through the park and they ride until the sun starts to set and the air starts to cool but they didn't even notice because they are working so hard. As it gets darker, they make their way back to Samantha's house. He thanks her for finally teaching him to ride a bike. He gives her a hug and goes to leave when she stops him. ‘Hey Clark wait!’ Clark turns around, ‘Yeah?’ ‘Why don't you take the bike home? Then you can practice some more and next week we can race around Central Park.’ ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“He was young, fit, and smart; and he was very excited to see Samantha. Clark jogged up to Samantha, and gave her a big hug. It had been a month or so since they had seen each other last because Clark had been busy with his new job as a paralegal. They sat down on the bench together and started talking. They decided to spend the day together and catch up, but neither knew what they wanted to do on such a beautiful day. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Robert was calmly riding down the smooth brick path watching the trees go quickly past as he rode by. Suddenly, something caught his eye his and he looked up ahead to make sure nothing was in front of him; then he quickly looked back to get a better look.

Sarah was gliding down the smooth, red brick path coming down a small hill, and she slowed down to go around a corner. She turned and suddenly was brought to a sudden stop. She tumbled to the ground and quickly sat up to see what hit her. To her surprise, she saw an old college friend, Robert sitting a few feet away also getting himself together and noticing her. He continued to stare with a puzzled, apologetic look on his face.

"Hi Robert!" she said, flashing him the familiar smile. He knew that face. He sat there stupidly trying to remember how he knew her. She only looked at him waiting to hear his response. Robert decided to just go along with it. She obviously knew him, so he must know her. "Hey," Robert replied awkwardly, "how have you been," she replied and Robert furiously thought of something else to say as he struggled to remember how he knew her. Did he meet her at a bar? No, that couldn't be it, it seemed like they had been more close than that, it seemed they had been friends. After about five minutes of awkward conversation, it finally came to him.

He didn't seem to remember who she was and as she told him about her life he appeared to be only half listening and in a daze. His questions where scattered and he asked things that she had already answered. How could he not remember who she was? Had she really changed that much? She would not give in whatever the reason was for his unclear mind, there was no way she would tell him who she was. They had been close friends in college, which was not that long ago, so he had to remember sometime. Her thought where interrupted by a sudden outburst from him.

"Sarah!" he shouted out.

"Yeah! You didn't remember me?" she replied.

"No," he lied, "that wasn't it at all, I only forgot your name."

Of course, Sarah wasn't going to believe that for one second, but she let it slide by. They stood up and brushed themselves off then picked up their bikes. They walked their bikes around for a while heading in no particular direction and catching up on what was going on in each other's life. Hours had passed by, and it was getting late. They decided to head back home and as they were leaving Sarah called out, "Don't forget my name!" Robert blushed and rode away.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. The writer establishes and maintains a clear central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and completes most parts of the task.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the chance meeting of two former friends. (“To her surprise, she saw an old college friend, Robert sitting a few feet away also getting himself together and noticing her. He continued to stare with a puzzled, apologetic look on his face. ‘Hi Robert!’ she said, flashing him the familiar smile. He knew that face. He sat there stupidly trying to remember how he knew her. She only looked at him waiting to hear his response.”)

All parts of the story are related to the main event and support the description of the conflict. (“ He didn't seem to remember who she was and as she told him about her life he appeared to be only half listening and in a daze. His questions where scattered and he asked things that she had already answered. How could he not remember who she was? Had she really changed that much? She would not give in whatever the reason was for his unclear mind, there was no way she would tell him who she was. They had been close friends in college, which was not that long ago, so he had to remember sometime. Her thought where interrupted by a sudden outburst from him. ”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer focuses on the inner thoughts of the characters and their reactions to their chance meeting on a bike ride. (“ She would not give in whatever the reason was for his unclear mind, there was no way she would tell him who she was. They had been close friends in college, which was not that long ago, so he had to remember sometime. Her thought where interrupted by a sudden outburst from him. ‘Sarah!’ he shouted out. ”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the thoughts and experiences of the characters and through dialogue and descriptions. (“‘No,’ he lied, ‘that wasn't it at all, I only forgot your name.’ Of course, Sarah wasn't going to believe that for one second, but she let it slide by. They stood up and brushed themselves off then picked up their bikes. They walked their bikes around for a while heading in no particular direction and catching up on what was going on in each other's life. Hours had passed by, and it was getting late. They decided to head back home and as they were leaving Sarah called out, ‘Don't forget my name!’ Robert blushed and rode away.”)

The setting is effectively developed; however, the writer could use more description and detail to make the setting of the story more vivid in the readers’ minds. (“Robert was calmly riding down the smooth brick path watching the trees go quickly past as he rode by. Suddenly, something caught his eye his and he looked up ahead to make sure nothing was in front of him; then he quickly looked back to get a better look. Sarah was gliding down the smooth, red brick path coming down a small hill, and she slowed down to go around a corner. She turned and suddenly was brought to a sudden stop. She tumbled to the ground and quickly sat up to see what hit her. ”)

The conflict of the story is effectively developed and relatable for readers. The writer uses details that allow readers to understand the dilemma facing the characters. (“Did he meet her at a bar? No, that couldn't be it, it seemed like they had been more close than that, it seemed they had been friends. After about five minutes of awkward conversation, it finally came to him. He didn't seem to remember who she was and as she told him about her life he appeared to be only half listening and in a daze. His questions where scattered and he asked things that she had already answered. How could he not remember who she was?”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites the readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides the readers with a sense of completeness.

The writer could improve his/her story by creating an introduction that more effectively grabs the readers’ attention. (“Robert was calmly riding down the smooth brick path watching the trees go quickly past as he rode by. Suddenly, something caught his eye his and he looked up ahead to make sure nothing was in front of him; then he quickly looked back to get a better look. ”)

Transitions are effectively used to connect events in the story. The writer uses transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“To her surprise, she saw an old college friend, Robert sitting a few feet away also getting himself together and noticing her. He continued to stare with a puzzled, apologetic look on his face. ‘Hi Robert!’ she said, flashing him the familiar smile. He knew that face. ”)

The story includes an effective ending. There is a resolution between the characters, and the readers are left with a sense of closure. (“Of course, Sarah wasn't going to believe that for one second, but she let it slide by. They stood up and brushed themselves off then picked up their bikes. They walked their bikes around for a while heading in no particular direction and catching up on what was going on in each other's life. Hours had passed by, and it was getting late. They decided to head back home and as they were leaving Sarah called out, ‘Don't forget my name!’ Robert blushed and rode away. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. The writer effectively uses dialogue and language to describe the characters’ thoughts. (“‘No,’ he lied, ‘that wasn't it at all, I only forgot your name.’ Of course, Sarah wasn't going to believe that for one second, but she let it slide by. They stood up and brushed themselves off then picked up their bikes. They walked their bikes around for a while heading in no particular direction and catching up on what was going on in each other's life. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“To her surprise, she saw an old college friend, Robert sitting a few feet away also getting himself together and noticing her. He continued to stare with a puzzled, apologetic look on his face. ‘Hi Robert!’ she said, flashing him the familiar smile. He knew that face. He sat there stupidly trying to remember how he knew her. She only looked at him waiting to hear his response. Robert decided to just go along with it. She obviously knew him, so he must know her.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the setting and the characters. The writer effectively uses descriptive language and gives readers a clear mental image of the setting of the story. (“Sarah was gliding down the smooth, red brick path coming down a small hill, and she slowed down to go around a corner. She turned and suddenly was brought to a sudden stop. She tumbled to the ground and quickly sat up to see what hit her. To her surprise, she saw an old college friend, Robert sitting a few feet away also getting himself together and noticing her. He continued to stare with a puzzled, apologetic look on his face. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“No, that couldn't be it, it seemed like they had been more close than that, it seemed they had been friends. After about five minutes of awkward conversation, it finally came to him. He didn't seem to remember who she was and as she told him about her life he appeared to be only half listening and in a daze. His questions where scattered and he asked things that she had already answered. How could he not remember who she was? ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Memory Lane

"Ring! Ring! Ring!" That's how the morning started off for Marissa. She jumped out of bed startled by her alarm clock. Marissa has a routine every morning she wakes up washes her face, and gets on her bike and goes to work. She is a nurse so she likes to stay in shape and take on the role of a nurse. Marissa is a very nice person and has good manners.

There was something different about this morning, not because she was late but because she had a strange feeling about today. After she got ready, she was off for her bike ride. Marissa usually rides a couple of miles mostly through neighbor hoods. She ran into one of her friends from a while ago, from back in high school, he moved away right after high school. Richard was her best friend and when he moved away, they just lost touch.

When I said she ran into him she literally ran into him there bike collided. She was in so much shock that it was really Richard that she wasn't even hurt, but he on the other hand was grabbing his head because when they collided he hit it hard. Richard really didn't notice her he was very angry that he was just hit. When he looked up to see Marissa's face he noticed that it was her and had a confused look on his face like he couldn't believe that it was her. He was so happy to see her again.

"Richard" she said, "I haven't seen you in years". He was still in shock so much that he couldn't speak. He finally spoke up and greeted her the same way she had greeted him. They were still on the ground while all this time was passing. They finally got up and wanted to hang out today, but Marissa had to go to work later. But she still had a couple of hours to ride before her exercise was done and she had to get ready for work.

Since his bike got ruined in the crash he said I have my old bike still at my parents' house, I could go get it and we can go for a ride if you would like before you go to work? That would be great said Marissa lets go get it we have a lot to catch up on. "I can't believe it's been this long," said Richard, "well how have you been?"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes and maintains a central idea by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story. By doing so, the writer reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and adequately completes many parts of the task.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. Readers can clearly understand all parts of the story. (“Marissa usually rides a couple of miles mostly through neighbor hoods. She ran into one of her friends from a while ago, from back in high school, he moved away right after high school. Richard was her best friend and when he moved away, they just lost touch. When I said she ran into him she literally ran into him there bike collided. She was in so much shock that it was really Richard that she wasn't even hurt, but he on the other hand was grabbing his head because when they collided he hit it hard.”)

The events in the story and all parts of the writer’s narrative are consistent with the prompt and the related image. (“Richard really didn't notice her he was very angry that he was just hit. When he looked up to see Marissa's face he noticed that it was her and had a confused look on his face like he couldn't believe that it was her. He was so happy to see her again. ‘Richard’ she said, ‘I haven't seen you in years’. He was still in shock so much that he couldn't speak.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. The writer is well focused throughout the story, and he/she does not include any information that is unnecessary or unrelated. (“They finally got up and wanted to hang out today, but Marissa had to go to work later. But she still had a couple of hours to ride before her exercise was done and she had to get ready for work. Since his bike got ruined in the crash he said I have my old bike still at my parents' house, I could go get it and we can go for a ride if you would like before you go to work? That would be great said Marissa lets go get it we have a lot to catch up on. ‘I can't believe it's been this long,’ said Richard, ‘well how have you been?'”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are adequate in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/a problem that holds the readers’ suspense. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. The dialogue in the narrative furthers the action of the story and creates interest for the readers. (“They finally got up and wanted to hang out today, but Marissa had to go to work later. But she still had a couple of hours to ride before her exercise was done and she had to get ready for work. Since his bike got ruined in the crash he said I have my old bike still at my parents' house, I could go get it and we can go for a ride if you would like before you go to work? That would be great said Marissa lets go get it we have a lot to catch up on. ‘I can't believe it's been this long,’ said Richard, ‘well how have you been?’”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. The writer’s use of detail adequately communicates his/her message, but using more detail would make the story more interesting. (“There was something different about this morning, not because she was late but because she had a strange feeling about today. After she got ready, she was off for her bike ride. Marissa usually rides a couple of miles mostly through neighbor hoods. She ran into one of her friends from a while ago, from back in high school, he moved away right after high school. Richard was her best friend and when he moved away, they just lost touch.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the characters abruptly experience a bicycle crash. Describing the conflict more completely and adding suspense would make the story more interesting to the readers. (“When I said she ran into him she literally ran into him there bike collided. She was in so much shock that it was really Richard that she wasn't even hurt, but he on the other hand was grabbing his head because when they collided he hit it hard. Richard really didn't notice her he was very angry that he was just hit.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the narrative. The writer provides an interesting opening that keeps the readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development. The story’s ending gives the readers a sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing the sound of the character’s alarm clock. The use of the sound of the alarm clock grabs the readers’ attention, and because it is relatable, it draws them into the setting of the story. (“‘Ring! Ring! Ring!’ That's how the morning started off for Marissa. She jumped out of bed startled by her alarm clock. Marissa has a routine every morning she wakes up washes her face, and gets on her bike and goes to work. She is a nurse so she likes to stay in shape and take on the role of a nurse. Marissa is a very nice person and has good manners. ”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their conclusion. Occasionally, there are abrupt jumps in the timeline and description of the story. (“Marissa usually rides a couple of miles mostly through neighbor hoods. She ran into one of her friends from a while ago, from back in high school, he moved away right after high school. Richard was her best friend and when he moved away, they just lost touch.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end and lacks a summary or lesson learned that would give the intended audience a sense of closure. The writer ends his/her story in the middle of the characters' conversation. (“Since his bike got ruined in the crash he said I have my old bike still at my parents' house, I could go get it and we can go for a ride if you would like before you go to work? That would be great said Marissa lets go get it we have a lot to catch up on. ‘I can't believe it's been this long,’ said Richard, ‘well how have you been?’ ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Occasionally, the writer’s sentences are simplistic, but there is enough variation to keep the readers interested. (“When he looked up to see Marissa's face he noticed that it was her and had a confused look on his face like he couldn't believe that it was her. He was so happy to see her again. ‘Richard’ she said, ‘I haven't seen you in years’. He was still in shock so much that he couldn't speak. He finally spoke up and greeted her the same way she had greeted him. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. He/she provides language that adequately describes both the characters and the action of the story. The writer gives readers an adequate picture of the characters and setting; however, more descriptive language would make the story more interesting to readers. (“Marissa has a routine every morning she wakes up washes her face, and gets on her bike and goes to work. She is a nurse so she likes to stay in shape and take on the role of a nurse. Marissa is a very nice person and has good manners. There was something different about this morning, not because she was late but because she had a strange feeling about today. After she got ready, she was off for her bike ride. Marissa usually rides a couple of miles mostly through neighbor hoods. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. The writer’s language adequately communicates his/her message. (“‘Richard’ she said, ‘I haven't seen you in years’. He was still in shock so much that he couldn't speak. He finally spoke up and greeted her the same way she had greeted him. They were still on the ground while all this time was passing. They finally got up and wanted to hang out today, but Marissa had to go to work later. But she still had a couple of hours to ride before her exercise was done and she had to get ready for work. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout most of the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences begin with capital letters, have subject-verb agreement, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“When I said she ran into him she literally ran into him there bike collided. She was in so much shock that it was really Richard that she wasn't even hurt, but he on the other hand was grabbing his head because when they collided he hit it hard. Richard really didn't notice her he was very angry that he was just hit. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Accident

It appears from the picture that there was an accident envolving these two people. The woman Jill, the man Jhon.

what hapened between these to people relys in the picture.

Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. being on the floor for a good fifteen seconds Jhon sits up and quickly appoligizes to Jill who appears to be un harmed and intact. She says that she is going to be okay and that she was sorry because she was'nt paying attention.

Jhon explain to her that it was all his fault. As Jhon holds his head because it appears he was hurt in the collision, Jill smiles and explains repeaditly that she is going to be alright and she invites him to get lunch. as jhon except they both lift up their bikes and start walking to the nearest fast food joint. a half hour has passed since the incident and it turns out that because of that Jhon and Jill have turned out to be best of friends.

As they get there they order their favorite foods. They talk about things that they have in comon. They talk about what they've been doing and where do they come from. They have only known eachother for a few minutes and already they know a lot about one another. As the day draws to a close they decide to pick everything up and head home for the day.

Once they've finish eating they leave for a other ride in the park, however this time the ride together to get home. So far hours have passed since that acident and now they're best friends. With out that hapening this man and woman would have never become friends goes to show that even the worst of events can turn out to be fine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer establishes and maintains a limited central idea and demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not be relevant to the story or that would give the readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. He/she mentions the passage of time in the story instead of creating a narrative with a clear and detailed structure. (“a half hour has passed since the incident and it turns out that because of that Jhon and Jill have turned out to be best of friends. As they get there they order their favorite foods. They talk about things that they have in comon. They talk about what they've been doing and where do they come from. They have only known eachother for a few minutes and already they know a lot about one another. As the day draws to a close they decide to pick everything up and head home for the day.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the events, the descriptions of the characters, and the setting of the story. If the writer included more descriptions, he/she could make the story more interesting to the readers. (“Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. being on the floor for a good fifteen seconds Jhon sits up and quickly appoligizes to Jill who appears to be un harmed and intact. She says that she is going to be okay and that she was sorry because she was'nt paying attention.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she simply states the events of the story and provides very simplistic descriptions. In providing more relevant details, the readers would be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“They have only known eachother for a few minutes and already they know a lot about one another. As the day draws to a close they decide to pick everything up and head home for the day. Once they've finish eating they leave for a other ride in the park, however this time the ride together to get home. So far hours have passed since that acident and now they're best friends.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but the essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension/conflict/a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. There are major gaps between the events in the story, and the story lacks description and detail. (“Jhon explain to her that it was all his fault. As Jhon holds his head because it appears he was hurt in the collision, Jill smiles and explains repeaditly that she is going to be alright and she invites him to get lunch. as jhon except they both lift up their bikes and start walking to the nearest fast food joint. a half hour has passed since the incident and it turns out that because of that Jhon and Jill have turned out to be best of friends.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces Jhon and Jill into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. The writer could improve his/her story by including more descriptive details about the characters. (“The woman Jill, the man Jhon. what hapened between these to people relys in the picture. Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. being on the floor for a good fifteen seconds Jhon sits up and quickly appoligizes to Jill who appears to be un harmed and intact.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. The writer discusses the dialogue but does not directly quote the characters. By including dialogue, the writer can share the characters' thoughts and make the story more engaging for the readers. (“As Jhon holds his head because it appears he was hurt in the collision, Jill smiles and explains repeaditly that she is going to be alright and she invites him to get lunch. as jhon except they both lift up their bikes and start walking to the nearest fast food joint. a half hour has passed since the incident and it turns out that because of that Jhon and Jill have turned out to be best of friends.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide the readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates some initial suspense about the bicycle accident, but he/she begins the story by describing the picture instead of the setting or characters. (“It appears from the picture that there was an accident envolving these two people. The woman Jill, the man Jhon. what hapened between these to people relys in the picture. Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. ”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story to lead the readers through the narrative. (“a half hour has passed since the incident and it turns out that because of that Jhon and Jill have turned out to be best of friends. As they get there they order their favorite foods. They talk about things that they have in comon. ”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer attempts to include a message and leave the readers with something to think about. However, he/she should include more detail and description to strengthen the message. (“Once they've finish eating they leave for a other ride in the park, however this time the ride together to get home. So far hours have passed since that acident and now they're best friends. With out that hapening this man and woman would have never become friends goes to show that even the worst of events can turn out to be fine. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentences are short, and the writer's descriptions are simplistic. (“It appears from the picture that there was an accident envolving these two people. The woman Jill, the man Jhon. what hapened between these to people relys in the picture. Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! ”) The writer should elaborate with specific, detailed descriptions and information to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. For example, many sentences begin with the name of a character, and they are repetitive in structure and form. (“Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. being on the floor for a good fifteen seconds Jhon sits up and quickly appoligizes to Jill who appears to be un harmed and intact. She says that she is going to be okay and that she was sorry because she was'nt paying attention. Jhon explain to her that it was all his fault. ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. The writer could improve his/her story by using language that is clearer and more descriptive; it would make the story more interesting and understandable to the readers. (“As they get there they order their favorite foods. They talk about things that they have in comon. They talk about what they've been doing and where do they come from. They have only known eachother for a few minutes and already they know a lot about one another. As the day draws to a close they decide to pick everything up and head home for the day. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for the correct spelling of words, and ensure the proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“Jhon was speed along the parks pathways un like Jill who was just cruising along. Jhon was was listen to music at the time when suddenly! They both collide with eachother and fell down to the floor. being on the floor for a good fifteen seconds Jhon sits up and quickly appoligizes to Jill who appears to be un harmed and intact. She says that she is going to be okay and that she was sorry because she was'nt paying attention. Jhon explain to her that it was all his fault.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

what i saw in the pitcher was two people that crashed. one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. It looks like the girl was fine saying no big deal and saying its fine. Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok.

ll accident happen one way or a another, they happen when you may not even know it, sometimes you know its about to happen. Like the twoo on the bikes dint see each other and hit each other by acident. Then they went on with their happy little lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes a vague central idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative includes descriptions and details that may stray from the point of the story. Overall, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The writer only minimally states the main event of the story. He/she states the action of the story rather than showing readers the events and setting through description and narration. (“ one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. ”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of the characters. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. There is not enough information in the story for readers to fully understand the characters or the events of the story. (“ Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok. ll accident happen one way or a another, they happen when you may not even know it, sometimes you know its about to happen. Like the twoo on the bikes dint see each other and hit each other by acident. ”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. The story does not follow a clear structure, and the writer needs to focus on clearly presenting his/her ideas to readers. (“Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. It looks like the girl was fine saying no big deal and saying its fine. Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok.”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the characters, setting, and action of the story, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances his/her message. (“Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. It looks like the girl was fine saying no big deal and saying its fine. Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. He/she presents a very simplistic and unclear setting, plot, and characters. (“what i saw in the pitcher was two people that crashed. one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. The writer does attempt to include dialogue, but he/she presents it in unclear terms. (“one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her.”)

Organization

The writer does not attempt to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. Instead, he/she begins the story by describing what he/she sees in the picture. In order to improve the response, the writer should use a more narrative voice and make an effort to pull the readers’ attention into the setting and story. (“what i saw in the pitcher was two people that crashed. one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. ”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. The story does not follow a coherent narrative structure. (“Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. It looks like the girl was fine saying no big deal and saying its fine. Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok. ll accident happen one way or a another, they happen when you may not even know it, sometimes you know its about to happen. ”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ll accident happen one way or a another, they happen when you may not even know it, sometimes you know its about to happen. Like the twoo on the bikes dint see each other and hit each other by acident. Then they went on with their happy little lives. ”) The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story. The writer does not attempt to leave the readers with something to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. It looks like the girl was fine saying no big deal and saying its fine. Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok. ”)

The writer frequently changes voice. When the writer uses the word “I,” he/she is occasionally writing from the perspective of a character as well as from his/her own perspective. The writer needs to phrase ideas clearly and in an effective way to communicate events throughout the narrative. (“what i saw in the pitcher was two people that crashed. one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her. ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“Look like their was nuthing bad but two people saying sorry dint see each other and being sur they wer ok. ll accident happen one way or a another, they happen when you may not even know it, sometimes you know its about to happen. Like the twoo on the bikes dint see each other and hit each other by acident. Then they went on with their happy little lives. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized and meaningful story. (“what i saw in the pitcher was two people that crashed. one of them was being sure the other was ok, and he was saying sory and he dint see her their. one still on the ground is saying its fine im ok its no big problem, i have a small cut nothing to bad that needs to be a big deal. Thats how I saw it he was realy worried that he hit her in the first place and was being sure that she was ok and he was saying sory for runing into her.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

what i see in this pic is to old people that where bik riding. and they get in a bik crash and that is how they meet. and the guy has a black bike and the girl has a red bike. nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. the day out side looks some what coled but still a good day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer establishes little or no central idea and d emonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. Overall, the writer barely completes any parts of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. He/she does not focus on the narrative enough to develop a coherent plot. (“ day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. The writer describes the picture in the prompt task, but he/she does not demonstrate an understanding of the intended audience by presenting an adequate narrative. (“they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. the day out side looks some what coled but still a good day.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. Often, the writer is not using a narrative form. (“nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting, and characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting and events of the story are not developed. The writer suggests ideas and a possible setting, but he/she does not develop any ideas beyond suggestion. (“they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. the day out side looks some what coled but still a good day. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. The writer is describing the picture in the prompt task, rather than describing his/her own story. (“what i see in this pic is to old people that where bik riding. and they get in a bik crash and that is how they meet. and the guy has a black bike and the girl has a red bike. nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. The writer does not develop any information about the characters, their personalities, or their thoughts and feelings. (“what i see in this pic is to old people that where bik riding. and they get in a bik crash and that is how they meet. and the guy has a black bike and the girl has a red bike. nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a cohesive plot with a beginning, middle, and end. Instead, the writer begins by describing the picture rather than the story. (“what i see in this pic is to old people that where bik riding. and they get in a bik crash and that is how they meet. and the guy has a black bike and the girl has a red bike. nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. ”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. The writer frequently switches between description and the events of the narrative, which makes the plot of the writer’s story confusing. (“nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task or gives the readers a sense of closure. The writer ends the narrative with more description of the setting. (“mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. the day out side looks some what coled but still a good day. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are words missing from some sentences, and the writer chooses incorrect words occasionally. (“nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. Many of the writer’s sentences are short and simplistic. (“what i see in this pic is to old people that where bik riding. and they get in a bik crash and that is how they meet. and the guy has a black bike and the girl has a red bike. nd it looks like the guy has a headche of the bike crash that they had. day looks nice out side to go for a bike ride. ”)

The writer’s language use and style are inadequate. (“they should of fell in that nice green grass. looks like thay are at park. and that was the first time that thay met was at the park. mabye they are going to go out on a date and get to know oneouther more bater. the day out side looks some what coled but still a good day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Create Your Own Fable

Aesop's fables use animals and fanciful settings to highlight different aspects of the human condition and to teach important moral lessons. If you were to create a modern-day fable, what characters would you use? What lesson would you teach?

In a detailed essay, create your own fable in which the characters must learn an important lesson about life. Be su re that your story contains all of the elements included in a meaningful fable.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Scurrying around in the obscured, cryptic woods stood a little mouse who went by the name of Oliver. Now Oliver was known as the "Mighty Mouse" of the woods, and with his courage and intelligence, he believed that he was the bravest mouse there was in all the land. He had a monochromatic coat of thin fur which consisted of browns, tans, and two silvery, black-ringed eyes, making him look like he was masked and in disguise. Several woodland creatures were inspired by the diminutive mouse and were amused to be in his presence.

Oliver was an adventurous mouse to say the least. He loved to go out and find new ways to keep occupied and plan different expeditions using his creative imagination. To himself, he thought of planning a new adventure, one that no one would ever dream of going out and doing. He planned for two weeks to go on his expedition and as a result, he had gotten several pieces of equipment for his journey. Oliver carried two hefty bags, one on top of the other, that were filled with stentorian pots and pans. Every time he went to take a step, the pans would clash together, making an obnoxious amount of sound. Undaunted, Oliver knew he needed his equipment to make meals throughout his journey, and also for pitching tents during the trip.

It was around noon time when Oliver set out on his ten day trip to the outside world. All the woodland creatures and animals waved good-bye to the Mighty Mouse as he set out towards the long days of walking and hiking. Mighty Mouse's main goal was to return with great news about land that was untouched by hunters and animals of prey. If he went back with this particular news, then the creatures could all move down there to be protected and live happily. In addition to this certain goal, Oliver also wished to meet new friends to help him along his journey.

Three days had gone by fast and Oliver had been venturing out for the fourth day now. He had dropped one of the hefty bags for it had made him swifter when traveling through muddy lands. As Oliver looked down, he noticed a narrow trail that led into a hole that had the width and height of three inches. Since Oliver was two and a half inches, he decided to investigate the slender-like hole. Putting his bag on the ground, Mighty Mouse weaseled his way into the hole, not knowing what was about to happen next.

The hole was pitch black and the smell of musk and dirt filled the air. Mighty Mouse was pretty frightened, considering he could not see any object two-inches ahead of his miniature feet. He walked slowly, carefully and quietly throughout the tunnel.

"I cannot wait to tell the others about this new tunnel I have found," thought Oliver. As he walked through the tunnel he had heard a slivering sound surrounding him. Fearful as to what would happen next, Oliver quickly spoke up and said, "Who’s there?"

"I believe I should be asking you the same question now shouldn't I," echoed the voice.

"I wouldn't come near me, I'm probably twice your size," Oliver said with a bit of fear in his tiny voice.

"Why should I listen to you, you're the one in my house. Who are you? What is your name? Come over towards me and I will introduce myself."

"How can I trust you? I do not know if you will desire to have me as your lunch or something of that sort."

The voice laughed, "Trust me. Plus I thought you said you were two times the size of me, even though you do not even know what kind of creature I am."

Oliver walked towards the voice even though he could not foretell what the voice would do. He thought that walking over there would make him seem courageous and unafraid of the creature. As he ventured over, he began to see some-what of an object. All coiled, with its head popped up, was a King Cobra, a mouse's greatest enemy, along with the birds of prey. Petrified, Oliver stood in shock, not knowing whether to run the other way or to mouse-up and approach the cobra.

"Do not be frightened. My name is Stanley, King of all the Snakes. And you are?"

"My name is Oliver, also known as Mighty Mouse, the most adventurous mouse of all the land. Why should I not be frightened? Are you not going to have me as your meal?"

"Of course not! That's absurd! I may be a cobra, but I certainly do not eat meat. It is high in fats and not nearly as nutritious as nice green lettuce or other vegetables."

Relieved, Oliver stepped closer to get a better view of the snake. He was now eager to converse with the snake and eventually become close in friendship. As time went on, Oliver spent two days with Stanley , each putting in their two cents on life and how their cultures differed from one another. Oliver made an offer to have Stanley come back to the woodlands and there they could be inseparable friends and eat all the vegetables that surrounded them. Stanley agreed, but also stated that the animals could come back to the tunnel, to be safe during hunting season. By the time the two friends had made it back to the woodlands, the ten day journey was over.

Mighty Mouse had to introduce Stanley, King of all Snakes, to the creatures calmly so that they would not be startled to see a King Cobra venture into their so called "safe zone." Introducing Stanley was an easy task, considering all the animals were inspired by Oliver, and trusted his every move. Oliver told the story of his great adventure and spoke of the tunnel where he had met Stanley and how the animals could return to the tunnel for safety. The years went on and the mouse and snake were never torn apart. Hunting season was no worry anymore and the animals now admired two leaders instead of one. Times were changing and the critters' outlooks on one another's appearances also changed, due to Mighty Mouse and Stanley's unrelenting friendship.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay response. Throughout the narrative, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases characters that teach readers an important life lesson with a meaningful story of adventure and friendship.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what the ultimate lesson of the fable will be. Readers are drawn into the main character’s experiences and can feel as though they are in the tunnel with Mighty Mouse, worried as he is, about his safety in the presence of the cobra. (“Oliver walked towards the voice even though he could not foretell what the voice would do. He thought that walking over there would make him seem courageous and unafraid of the creature. As he ventured over, he began to see some-what of an object. All coiled, with its head popped up, was a King Cobra, a mouse's greatest enemy, along with the birds of prey. Petrified, Oliver stood in shock, not knowing whether to run the other way or to mouse-up and approach the cobra. ‘Do not be frightened. My name is Stanley, King of all the Snakes. And you are?’’My name is Oliver, also known as Mighty Mouse, the most adventurous mouse of all the land. Why should I not be frightened? Are you not going to have me as your meal?’ ‘Of course not! That's absurd! I may be a cobra, but I certainly do not eat meat. It is high in fats and not nearly as nutritious as nice green lettuce or other vegetables.’ Relieved, Oliver stepped closer to get a better view of the snake. He was now eager to converse with the snake and eventually become close in friendship.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the scenario, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the story’s events. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in the snake’s tunnel. (“The voice laughed, ‘Trust me. Plus I thought you said you were two times the size of me, even though you do not even know what kind of creature I am.’ Oliver walked towards the voice even though he could not foretell what the voice would do. He thought that walking over there would make him seem courageous and unafraid of the creature. As he ventured over, he began to see some-what of an object. All coiled, with its head popped up, was a King Cobra, a mouse's greatest enemy, along with the birds of prey. Petrified, Oliver stood in shock, not knowing whether to run the other way or to mouse-up and approach the cobra. ‘Do not be frightened. My name is Stanley, King of all the Snakes. And you are?’ ‘My name is Oliver, also known as Mighty Mouse, the most adventurous mouse of all the land. Why should I not be frightened? Are you not going to have me as your meal?’”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experiences during his ten-day journey in the woods. (“As Oliver looked down, he noticed a narrow trail that led into a hole that had the width and height of three inches. Since Oliver was two and a half inches, he decided to investigate the slender-like hole. Putting his bag on the ground, Mighty Mouse weaseled his way into the hole, not knowing what was about to happen next. The hole was pitch black and the smell of musk and dirt filled the air. Mighty Mouse was pretty frightened, considering he could not see any object two-inches ahead of his miniature feet. He walked slowly, carefully and quietly throughout the tunnel. ‘I cannot wait to tell the others about this new tunnel I have found,’ thought Oliver.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build-up to the main character’s experiences in the cobra’s tunnel and the revelation of the moral of the fable. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The writer includes dialogue between the characters to enhance the overall effectiveness of the story. (“Oliver quickly spoke up and said, ‘Who’s there?’ ‘I believe I should be asking you the same question now shouldn't I,’ echoed the voice. ‘I wouldn't come near me, I'm probably twice your size,’ Oliver said with a bit of fear in his tiny voice. ‘Why should I listen to you, you're the one in my house. Who are you? What is your name? Come over towards me and I will introduce myself.’ ‘How can I trust you? I do not know if you will desire to have me as your lunch or something of that sort.’ The voice laughed, ‘Trust me. Plus I thought you said you were two times the size of me, even though you do not even know what kind of creature I am.’”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning, we find the writer establishing the personality of the main character and how he is viewed by the supporting cast of characters in the story. (“Several woodland creatures were inspired by the diminutive mouse and were amused to be in his presence. Oliver was an adventurous mouse to say the least. He loved to go out and find new ways to keep occupied and plan different expeditions using his creative imagination. To himself, he thought of planning a new adventure, one that no one would ever dream of going out and doing. He planned for two weeks to go on his expedition and as a result, he had gotten several pieces of equipment for his journey. Oliver carried two hefty bags, one on top of the other, that were filled with stentorian pots and pans. Every time he went to take a step, the pans would clash together, making an obnoxious amount of sound. Undaunted, Oliver knew he needed his equipment to make meals throughout his journey, and also for pitching tents during the trip.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the meeting between the mouse and the cobra, and the eventual friendship resulting from their chance encounter. (“‘Do not be frightened. My name is Stanley, King of all the Snakes. And you are?’ ‘My name is Oliver, also known as Mighty Mouse, the most adventurous mouse of all the land. Why should I not be frightened? Are you not going to have me as your meal?’ ‘Of course not! That's absurd! I may be a cobra, but I certainly do not eat meat. It is high in fats and not nearly as nutritious as nice green lettuce or other vegetables.’ Relieved, Oliver stepped closer to get a better view of the snake. He was now eager to converse with the snake and eventually become close in friendship. As time went on, Oliver spent two days with Stanley , each putting in their two cents on life and how their cultures differed from one another. Oliver made an offer to have Stanley come back to the woodlands and there they could be inseparable friends and eat all the vegetables that surrounded them. Stanley agreed, but also stated that the animals could come back to the tunnel, to be safe during hunting season. By the time the two friends had made it back to the woodlands, the ten day journey was over.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a vividly descriptive opening in the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of subtle transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the main character to get the story going. (“Scurrying around in the obscured, cryptic woods stood a little mouse who went by the name of Oliver. Now Oliver was known as the ‘Mighty Mouse’ of the woods, and with his courage and intelligence, he believed that he was the bravest mouse there was in all the land. He had a monochromatic coat of thin fur which consisted of browns, tans, and two silvery, black-ringed eyes, making him look like he was masked and in disguise. Several woodland creatures were inspired by the diminutive mouse and were amused to be in his presence.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“It was around noon time when Oliver set out on his ten day trip to the outside world. All the woodland creatures and animals waved good-bye to the Mighty Mouse as he set out towards the long days of walking and hiking. Mighty Mouse's main goal was to return with great news about land that was untouched by hunters and animals of prey. If he went back with this particular news, then the creatures could all move down there to be protected and live happily. In addition to this certain goal, Oliver also wished to meet new friends to help him along his journey.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the lesson of the fable. (“The years went on and the mouse and snake were never torn apart. Hunting season was no worry anymore and the animals now admired two leaders instead of one. Times were changing and the critters' outlooks on one another's appearances also changed, due to Mighty Mouse and Stanley 's unrelenting friendship.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective in the essay. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the story of Mighty Mouse and his adventurous journey. (“ Three days had gone by fast and Oliver had been venturing out for the fourth day now. He had dropped one of the hefty bags for it had made him swifter when traveling through muddy lands. As Oliver looked down, he noticed a narrow trail that led into a hole that had the width and height of three inches. Since Oliver was two and a half inches, he decided to investigate the slender-like hole. Putting his bag on the ground, Mighty Mouse weaseled his way into the hole, not knowing what was about to happen next. The hole was pitch black and the smell of musk and dirt filled the air. Mighty Mouse was pretty frightened, considering he could not see any object two-inches ahead of his miniature feet. He walked slowly, carefully and quietly throughout the tunnel. ‘I cannot wait to tell the others about this new tunnel I have found,’ thought Oliver. As he walked through the tunnel he had heard a slivering sound surrounding him. Fearful as to what would happen next, Oliver quickly spoke up and said, ‘Who’s there?’”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ All coiled, with its head popped up, was a King Cobra, a mouse's greatest enemy, along with the birds of prey. Petrified, Oliver stood in shock, not knowing whether to run the other way or to mouse-up and approach the cobra. ‘Do not be frightened. My name is Stanley, King of all the Snakes. And you are?’ ‘My name is Oliver, also known as Mighty Mouse, the most adventurous mouse of all the land. Why should I not be frightened? Are you not going to have me as your meal?’ ‘Of course not! That's absurd! I may be a cobra, but I certainly do not eat meat. It is high in fats and not nearly as nutritious as nice green lettuce or other vegetables.’”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The writer weaves the story in such a way that we feel almost like the mouse; we remain unsure as to what the final outcome will be. (“ Mighty Mouse had to introduce Stanley, King of all Snakes, to the creatures calmly so that they would not be startled to see a King Cobra venture into their so called ‘safe zone.’ Introducing Stanley was an easy task, considering all the animals were inspired by Oliver, and trusted his every move. Oliver told the story of his great adventure and spoke of the tunnel where he had met Stanley and how the animals could return to the tunnel for safety. The years went on and the mouse and snake were never torn apart.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter; each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Oliver walked towards the voice even though he could not foretell what the voice would do. He thought that walking over there would make him seem courageous and unafraid of the creature. As he ventured over, he began to see some-what of an object. All coiled, with its head popped up, was a King Cobra, a mouse's greatest enemy, along with the birds of prey. Petrified, Oliver stood in shock, not knowing whether to run the other way or to mouse-up and approach the cobra.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One fine day, in The Jungle of Norm, the sovereign lion, Aries, strolled through his kingdom. Bantam animals played in the lustrous leafy ferns; some of the more juvenile cubs waving a paw to him as he strutted through. Orangutans and the odd chimpanzee in the trees were playing their usual mischievous, immature, roles. Exotically-patterned birds flying through the air caused for a typically beautiful day in Norm.

"It is a good day to be king." Aries announced with pride.

However, in another segment of Norm, a fight was about to erupt. Young, boastful, lions and chortling hyenas fought over remains of their luncheon. The hyenas' kingpin and the headman for the pride of lions circumspectly circled. The hyena's cackles filled the air and they continued to circle around the carcass.

"Chirrup!" A bird screeched, and flew away in a flurry of blue feathers.

Then, the head lion lunged, the birds cry had distracted the hyena making him vulnerable. Fighting commenced and turned atrocious before all of the carnivores joined in. A snarl, and a tearing roar, the fighting stopped.... Aries had come. Hyenas still smirked as the dispute was settled, all be it with a look of shame. Some beasts were inanimate, most were slowly fading. Aries had arrived in time to save most from their demise.

"I am the ultimate sentinel of peace, no one is better than I." The sovereign lion was once again walking through his kingdom but now his path was blocked.

"Dear sir," a small bird that stood in his way exclaimed, "do not think that you are the paramount keeper of peace."

"A pigeon? Psaw!" "You are feeble in comparison to my stature" the sovereign lion puffed out his chest and smirked," I suppose you believe that you are able to bring peace even more rapidly than I?" A jeering glimmer came into his eye. I shall humiliate this impertinent pigeon, to think he believes he could out shine me." "Then I propose a wager between you and I, to see who will bring peace the swiftest."

"If you wish my good sir, and if it will prevent this flamboyant behavior." The bird serenely replied.

And so they waited in the jungle for a fight to ensue. The birds were all calm in the trees, the sun was beginning to set, throwing out a splay of colors.

"Chirrup!" The same bird that had announced the previous battle flew in with a flurry of feathers. "CHIRRUP!" And he turned and flew back the way he had come; the lion tore after the noisy bird to the scene of the incident. The other bird calmly flew after them. The scene that appeared was incredibly delicate. A mother lion had a baby panther in her mouth, and across the clearing, a panther had a lion cub in her jaws. What they had been fighting over was not apparent but, hostility was in the air.

A roar went out in the air as the sovereign lion swerved into the clearing. The mothers did not even flinch; they were too centered on their children, whom they thought were about to be torn to bits. The sovereign was now helpless. If they had just dropped the cubs as he had planned, peace would have settled. It was no matter however, his wager with the white pigeon would end in a draw, so that neither could win. Where was that bird? The huge mother cats would soon grow impatient, taking the lives of each other's cubs would be the result. The sovereign could not have that. Panthers were very rare and valued for their cunning. Lion cubs were not in demand at the moment but, this cub was special; this was the sovereign's cub. The cub had seen his father and had purred and yipped with delight. However, the sovereign knew that his life would abruptly end.

An odd noise floated through the air, a coo mixed with a melody. It was calming; the sovereign felt that his cub and the panther baby would be safe. The lioness and panther also relaxed and eased from the crouched and huddled positions they had recently been in. A small white pin prick floated through the air, landing between the mothers. It was the pigeon no, dove, that he had gambled with previously.

"Please, let the cubs come to their own mothers. Neither need be done any harm." She ,the dove, asked in a quiet voice.

The mothers realized that they would both want their children free. At the same time, they both dropped the others' cub and waited. Both cubs instantly ran to their mothers.

"Accept my greatest apologies!" Aries exclaimed to the dove, "I was boastful, I will grant, but, I thank you for helping where I could not. I would also like to know your name." Aries asked.

"Hope," she replied.

The dove bobbed her head and flew away. Aries never saw her again. Forever after that, when the noisy blue bird flew in with a screech about a conflict and flew to settle it with Aries, Aries would sometimes arrive to be told there was no longer any problem. When that occurred, he could be sure, Hope had been there.

The moral of this story is for everyone who believes force is more powerful than understanding, they are wrong.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are stated well. The writer completely focuses the narrative on creating a scenario that would ultimately lead to a lesson learned by the main character in the fable. (“‘It is a good day to be king.’ Aries announced with pride. However, in another segment of Norm, a fight was about to erupt. …Aries had come. Hyenas still smirked as the dispute was settled, all be it with a look of shame. Some beasts were inanimate, most were slowly fading. Aries had arrived in time to save most from their demise. ‘I am the ultimate sentinel of peace, no one is better than I. ’ The sovereign lion was once again walking through his kingdom but now his path was blocked. ‘Dear sir,’ a small bird that stood in his way exclaimed, ‘do not think that you are the paramount keeper of peace.’”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“A roar went out in the air as the sovereign lion swerved into the clearing. The mothers did not even flinch; they were too centered on their children, whom they thought were about to be torn to bits. The sovereign was now helpless. If they had just dropped the cubs as he had planned, peace would have settled. It was no matter however, his wager with the white pigeon would end in a draw, so that neither could win. Where was that bird? The huge mother cats would soon grow impatient, taking the lives of each other's cubs would be the result. The sovereign could not have that. Panthers were very rare and valued for their cunning. Lion cubs were not in demand at the moment but, this cub was special; this was the sovereign's cub. The cub had seen his father and had purred and yipped with delight. However, the sovereign knew that his life would abruptly end.”)

The writer leads readers through the story where they reach a lesson learned at the conclusion of the fable. (“‘Accept my greatest apologies!’ Aries exclaimed to the dove, ‘I was boastful, I will grant, but, I thank you for helping where I could not. I would also like to know your name.’ Aries asked. ‘Hope,’ she replied. The dove bobbed her head and flew away. Aries never saw her again. Forever after that, when the noisy blue bird flew in with a screech about a conflict and flew to settle it with Aries, Aries would sometimes arrive to be told there was no longer any problem. When that occurred, he could be sure, Hope had been there. The moral of this story is for everyone who believes force is more powerful than understanding, they are wrong.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue is well implemented to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main characters as they struggle to maintain peace in an often turbulent jungle. (“However, in another segment of Norm, a fight was about to erupt. Young, boastful, lions and chortling hyenas fought over remains of their luncheon. The hyenas' kingpin and the headman for the pride of lions circumspectly circled. The hyena's cackles filled the air and they continued to circle around the carcass. ‘Chirrup!’ A bird screeched, and flew away in a flurry of blue feathers. Then, the head lion lunged, the birds cry had distracted the hyena making him vulnerable. Fighting commenced and turned atrocious before all of the carnivores joined in. A snarl, and a tearing roar, the fighting stopped.... Aries had come. Hyenas still smirked as the dispute was settled, all be it with a look of shame. Some beasts were inanimate, most were slowly fading. Aries had arrived in time to save most from their demise.”)

The writer’s use of dialogue in the fable enhances the effectiveness of the writer’s message. (“‘I am the ultimate sentinel of peace, no one is better than I. ’ The sovereign lion was once again walking through his kingdom but now his path was blocked. ‘Dear sir,’ a small bird that stood in his way exclaimed, ‘do not think that you are the paramount keeper of peace.’ ‘A pigeon? Psaw!’ ‘You are feeble in comparison to my stature’ the sovereign lion puffed out his chest and smirked,’ I suppose you believe that you are able to bring peace even more rapidly than I?’ A jeering glimmer came into his eye. I shall humiliate this impertinent pigeon, to think he believes he could out shine me.’”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“One fine day, in The Jungle of Norm, the sovereign lion, Aries, strolled through his kingdom. Bantam animals played in the lustrous leafy ferns; some of the more juvenile cubs waving a paw to him as he strutted through. Orangutans and the odd chimpanzee in the trees were playing their usual mischievous, immature, roles. Exotically-patterned birds flying through the air caused for a typically beautiful day in Norm.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective, subtle transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ One fine day, in The Jungle of Norm, the sovereign lion, Aries, strolled through his kingdom. Bantam animals played in the lustrous leafy ferns; some of the more juvenile cubs waving a paw to him as he strutted through. Orangutans and the odd chimpanzee in the trees were playing their usual mischievous, immature, roles. Exotically-patterned birds flying through the air caused for a typically beautiful day in Norm. ‘It is a good day to be king.’ Aries announced with pride. However, in another segment of Norm, a fight was about to erupt. Young, boastful, lions and chortling hyenas fought over remains of their luncheon. The hyenas' kingpin and the headman for the pride of lions circumspectly circled. The hyena's cackles filled the air and they continued to circle around the carcass.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ The huge mother cats would soon grow impatient, taking the lives of each other's cubs would be the result. The sovereign could not have that. Panthers were very rare and valued for their cunning. Lion cubs were not in demand at the moment but, this cub was special; this was the sovereign's cub. The cub had seen his father and had purred and yipped with delight. However, the sovereign knew that his life would abruptly end.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ ‘Accept my greatest apologies!’ Aries exclaimed to the dove, ‘I was boastful, I will grant, but, I thank you for helping where I could not. I would also like to know your name.’ Aries asked. ‘Hope,’ she replied. The dove bobbed her head and flew away. Aries never saw her again. Forever after that, when the noisy blue bird flew in with a screech about a conflict and flew to settle it with Aries, Aries would sometimes arrive to be told there was no longer any problem. When that occurred, he could be sure, Hope had been there.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the essay response. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The scene that appeared was incredibly delicate. A mother lion had a baby panther in her mouth, and across the clearing, a panther had a lion cub in her jaws. What they had been fighting over was not apparent but, hostility was in the air.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“‘ A pigeon? Psaw!’ ‘You are feeble in comparison to my stature’ the sovereign lion puffed out his chest and smirked,’ I suppose you believe that you are able to bring peace even more rapidly than I?’ A jeering glimmer came into his eye. I shall humiliate this impertinent pigeon, to think he believes he could out shine me.’ ‘Then I propose a wager between you and I, to see who will bring peace the swiftest.’”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the confident air of the lion and the quiet determination of the dove. (“ Aries had arrived in time to save most from their demise. ‘I am the ultimate sentinel of peace, no one is better than I. ’ The sovereign lion was once again walking through his kingdom but now his path was blocked. ‘Dear sir,’ a small bird that stood in his way exclaimed, ‘do not think that you are the paramount keeper of peace.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has ensured that most sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ A roar went out in the air as the sovereign lion swerved into the clearing. The mothers did not even flinch; they were too centered on their children, whom they thought were about to be torn to bits. The sovereign was now helpless. If they had just dropped the cubs as he had planned, peace would have settled. It was no matter however, his wager with the white pigeon would end in a draw, so that neither could win. Where was that bird? The huge mother cats would soon grow impatient, taking the lives of each other's cubs would be the result.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Ant and the Anteater

There once was a colony of ants building their home. They lived in the woods and were not very different from the next colony. They all looked up to one ant in particular, whom they simply called Ant. One day when they were building their home, they were in for a surprise.

"What is that noise?", inquired one ant. "I don't know; lets go find out," replied the other ant. So they made their way to where they thought the noise was coming from and stopped dead in their tracks. What they saw was the mouth of an anteater eating their friends! "No!" screamed Ant, the leader of the colony.

"Stop!" he yelled at the anteater. However, it was no use; the anteater continued eating at will.

When the anteater finally left the damage it caused was obvious. Along with hurting half the colony, the ant hole was a complete mess. Ant decided he would track down this anteater and discuss his wrong doing with him. He rounded up some of his buddies and made his way to Anteater's house. When they got there, Anteater was there with a friend. They seemed to be laughing about something, probably at what Anteater did to the colony. Ant and his friends burst through the door.

"Why did you eat my friends!" yelled Ant feriously. "You will pay for this!" continued Ant.

"Oh?" questioned Anteater, part way stunned by their dramatic entrance. "What are you going to do about it?" he challenged.

He was right. There was nothing a puny ant could do to harm an Anteater. "Can you at least go to a different colony?" pleaded Ant. "You did a lot of damage," he continued weakly.

"Fine, we'll go to a different colony, if we can find one," sneered Anteater. "But if we can't find one, we are going to return straight to you!" he exclaimed. Both Anteater and his friend started laughing.

"Come on guys, lets go home and get back to work," said Ant dully. While they were leaving, Anteater and his friend set out to find another colony to pick on.

"Help!" is what Ant and his friends heard on the way back from far in the distance.

"What was that?" asked one of Ant's friends, slightly alarmed.

"I don't know," answered Ant, also alarmed of the noise. "It was probably just the wind," he concluded. Little did they know what was really happening.

When Anteater and his friend were looking for a colony, Anteater's friend got caught in a poacher trap. The poacher arrived later to find the anteater in the trap he set along with another anteater beside him trying to get him free. The poacher took both of them from the woods, never to be seen again by some ants that were no longer worried from then after.

The moral of the story is "What goes around, comes around."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“There once was a colony of ants building their home. They lived in the woods and were not very different from the next colony. They all looked up to one ant in particular, whom they simply called Ant. One day when they were building their home, they were in for a surprise. ‘What is that noise?’, inquired one ant. ‘I don't know; lets go find out,’ replied the other ant. So they made their way to where they thought the noise was coming from and stopped dead in their tracks. What they saw was the mouth of an anteater eating their friends! ‘No!’ screamed Ant, the leader of the colony.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“‘Help!’ is what Ant and his friends heard on the way back from far in the distance. ‘What was that?’ asked one of Ant's friends, slightly alarmed. ‘I don't know,’ answered Ant, also alarmed of the noise. ‘It was probably just the wind,’ he concluded. Little did they know what was really happening. When Anteater and his friend were looking for a colony, Anteater's friend got caught in a poacher trap. The poacher arrived later to find the anteater in the trap he set along with another anteater beside him trying to get him free. The poacher took both of them from the woods, never to be seen again by some ants that were no longer worried from then after. The moral of the story is ‘What goes around, comes around.’”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“Ant decided he would track down this anteater and discuss his wrong doing with him. He rounded up some of his buddies and made his way to Anteater's house. When they got there, Anteater was there with a friend. They seemed to be laughing about something, probably at what Anteater did to the colony. Ant and his friends burst through the door. ‘Why did you eat my friends!’ yelled Ant feriously. ‘You will pay for this!’ continued Ant. ‘Oh?’ questioned Anteater, part way stunned by their dramatic entrance. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ he challenged. He was right. There was nothing a puny ant could do to harm an Anteater. ‘Can you at least go to a different colony?’

pleaded Ant. ‘You did a lot of damage,’ he continued weakly.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the response. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer’s use of meaningful details holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“He was right. There was nothing a puny ant could do to harm an Anteater. ‘Can you at least go to a different colony?’ pleaded Ant. ‘You did a lot of damage,’ he continued weakly. ‘Fine, we'll go to a different colony, if we can find one,’ sneered Anteater. ‘But if we can't find one, we are going to return straight to you!’ he exclaimed. Both Anteater and his friend started laughing. ‘Come on guys, lets go home and get back to work,’ said Ant dully.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“When the anteater finally left the damage it caused was obvious. Along with hurting half the colony, the ant hole was a complete mess. Ant decided he would track down this anteater and discuss his wrong doing with him. He rounded up some of his buddies and made his way to Anteater's house. When they got there, Anteater was there with a friend. They seemed to be laughing about something, probably at what Anteater did to the colony.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story when the anteater kills the ants and damages the whole colony. (“So they made their way to where they thought the noise was coming from and stopped dead in their tracks. What they saw was the mouth of an anteater eating their friends! ‘No!’ screamed Ant, the leader of the colony. ‘Stop!’ he yelled at the anteater. However, it was no use; the anteater continued eating at will. When the anteater finally left the damage it caused was obvious. Along with hurting half the colony, the ant hole was a complete mess.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization in the essay. The writer provides an adequate opening and an adequate ending in the story, which keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with adequate transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning of the fable demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the circumstances of the characters and the eventual conflict that ensues. (“ There once was a colony of ants building their home. They lived in the woods and were not very different from the next colony. They all looked up to one ant in particular, whom they simply called Ant. One day when they were building their home, they were in for a surprise. ‘What is that noise?’, inquired one ant. ‘I don't know; lets go find out,’ replied the other ant. So they made their way to where they thought the noise was coming from and stopped dead in their tracks. What they saw was the mouth of an anteater eating their friends! ‘No!’ screamed Ant, the leader of the colony. ‘Stop!’ he yelled at the anteater. However, it was no use; the anteater continued eating at will.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“When the anteater finally left the damage it caused was obvious. Along with hurting half the colony, the ant hole was a complete mess. Ant decided he would track down this anteater and discuss his wrong doing with him. He rounded up some of his buddies and made his way to Anteater's house. When they got there, Anteater was there with a friend. They seemed to be laughing about something, probably at what Anteater did to the colony. Ant and his friends burst through the door.”)

The story comes to a logical conclusion and reveals the lesson learned, thus giving the audience a sense of closure. (“ When Anteater and his friend were looking for a colony, Anteater's friend got caught in a poacher trap. The poacher arrived later to find the anteater in the trap he set along with another anteater beside him trying to get him free. The poacher took both of them from the woods, never to be seen again by some ants that were no longer worried from then after. The moral of the story is ‘What goes around, comes around.’”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ When the anteater finally left the damage it caused was obvious. Along with hurting half the colony, the ant hole was a complete mess. Ant decided he would track down this anteater and discuss his wrong doing with him. He rounded up some of his buddies and made his way to Anteater's house. When they got there, Anteater was there with a friend.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the essay. The writer provides language that adequately describes the ant colonies’ fear of Anteater, the subsequent fate of the antagonist, and the ultimate lesson learned in the fable. (“ When Anteater and his friend were looking for a colony, Anteater's friend got caught in a poacher trap. The poacher arrived later to find the anteater in the trap he set along with another anteater beside him trying to get him free. The poacher took both of them from the woods, never to be seen again by some ants that were no longer worried from then after. The moral of the story is ‘What goes around, comes around.’”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ ‘Why did you eat my friends!’ yelled Ant feriously. ‘You will pay for this!’ continued Ant. ‘Oh?’ questioned Anteater, part way stunned by their dramatic entrance. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ he challenged. He was right. There was nothing a puny ant could do to harm an Anteater. ‘Can you at least go to a different colony?’ pleaded Ant. ‘You did a lot of damage,’ he continued weakly. ‘Fine, we'll go to a different colony, if we can find one,’ sneered Anteater. ‘But if we can't find one, we are going to return straight to you!’ he exclaimed. Both Anteater and his friend started laughing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“‘ Why did you eat my friends!’ yelled Ant feriously. ‘You will pay for this!’ continued Ant. ‘Oh?’ questioned Anteater, part way stunned by their dramatic entrance. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ he challenged.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once in a house long long time ago, the battles between cat and mice were on. The battles of who will rule the house and be the leader and who would be ruled were on. The cat lived in the house and the mice lived in the walls of the home. As days passed the cat and mouse's battle trying to get each other in their own little traps they made for one another. There were so many battles over food, who could watch the TV, what was made for dinner and who would have to do house hold chores.

So many battles were over food the mice would gang up on the cat and beat him up as the cat trying to scratch the mice off on him. The cat would try to hit the little mice with fringing pans and spoons. Then when it came to trying to watch TV the mice would run out of their holes in the wall and attach the cat on the couch. When he was sleeping, they got him with a father. But he did not wake up, so they put shaving cream in his hand and tickled him again and he smacked him self in the face with the shaving cream. The cat yelled, "AAAA you stupid mice, ill get you!!" Then next day the cat got up bright and early. Cat waited for the mice to come out of there hole in the wall. Then the mice can out he swiped one right off the ground.

He started to run away the mouse bit his hand, the cat dropped the mouse. An he ran back to there home. As the days passed the mice did not come out or the hole in the wall. The mouse was thinking about how to get the cat just to be friends wit the mice in steded of trying to trap them and control the mice. So he said to him self the one day that hes going to out there and talk to the cat. they talked for hours on end trying to find a way to work things out. After a while the cat said ok I will not try to grab you when u come out but you have guys have to stop waking me up and trying take the TV from me. Then the mouse said well we want watch T.V. too. So the cat said all right fine ill get the T.V. on Mon., wed, thurs, and sat. An you mice can have it on tuse, fri,sun. The mouse said all right that will work.

Then from that day on the mice and cat lived good lives together under the same roof. The moral of the story is just to live and work together and not fight over everything and to qua operate with each other.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay is limited. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the lesson of the fable in a very limited way. The writer neglects to weave the essence of the lesson throughout the story so that the readers could arrive at this natural conclusion on their own. (“The moral of the story is just to live and work together and not fight over everything and to qua operate with each other.”)

The writer’s focus is limited. (“He started to run away the mouse bit his hand, the cat dropped the mouse. An he ran back to there home. As the days passed the mice did not come out or the hole in the wall. The mouse was thinking about how to get the cat just to be friends wit the mice in steded of trying to trap them and control the mice. So he said to him self the one day that hes going to out there and talk to the cat. they talked for hours on end trying to find a way to work things out.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the essay. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“After a while the cat said ok I will not try to grab you when u come out but you have guys have to stop waking me up and trying take the TV from me. Then the mouse said well we want watch T.V. too. So the cat said all right fine ill get the T.V. on Mon., wed, thurs, and sat. An you mice can have it on tuse, fri,sun. The mouse said all right that will work.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The essay reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of characters fighting with each other. The writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts. The writer reveals the lesson learned, in a limited way, at the conclusion of the fable.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Once in a house long long time ago, the battles between cat and mice were on. The battles of who will rule the house and be the leader and who would be ruled were on. The cat lived in the house and the mice lived in the walls of the home. As days passed the cat and mouse's battle trying to get each other in their own little traps they made for one another. There were so many battles over food, who could watch the TV, what was made for dinner and who would have to do house hold chores.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces the cat and mice into the narrative, but does not describe them in any way. (“The cat would try to hit the little mice with fringing pans and spoons. Then when it came to trying to watch TV the mice would run out of their holes in the wall and attach the cat on the couch. When he was sleeping, they got him with a father. But he did not wake up, so they put shaving cream in his hand and tickled him again and he smacked him self in the face with the shaving cream.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“The cat yelled, ‘AAAA you stupid mice, ill get you!!’ Then next day the cat got up bright and early. Cat waited for the mice to come out of there hole in the wall. Then the mice can out he swiped one right off the ground.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the essay response. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but may be weak. The writer provides readers with a limited sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab audience attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer draws battle lines that bring the forthcoming conflict between cat and mouse to the forefront of the readers’ mind. (“ Once in a house long long time ago, the battles between cat and mice were on. The battles of who will rule the house and be the leader and who would be ruled were on. The cat lived in the house and the mice lived in the walls of the home. As days passed the cat and mouse's battle trying to get each other in their own little traps they made for one another.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the essay. (“ But he did not wake up, so they put shaving cream in his hand and tickled him again and he smacked him self in the face with the shaving cream. The cat yelled, ‘AAAA you stupid mice, ill get you!!’ Then next day the cat got up bright and early. Cat waited for the mice to come out of there hole in the wall. Then the mice can out he swiped one right off the ground.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a strong sense of closure. On the contrary, at the very end of the story, the writer reveals the moral of the story, and leaves the readers to think about the lesson learned. (“ Then from that day on the mice and cat lived good lives together under the same roof. The moral of the story is just to live and work together and not fight over everything and to qua operate with each other.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. The essay reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. (“ Then the mouse said well we want watch T.V. too. So the cat said all right fine ill get the T.V. on Mon., wed, thurs, and sat. An you mice can have it on tuse, fri,sun. The mouse said all right that will work.”) The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience.

The writer demonstrates limited voice and style in the essay response. (“ Then when it came to trying to watch TV the mice would run out of their holes in the wall and attach the cat on the couch. When he was sleeping, they got him with a father. But he did not wake up, so they put shaving cream in his hand and tickled him again and he smacked him self in the face with the shaving cream.”)

The sentences are too informal and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Once in a house long long time ago, the battles between cat and mice were on. The battles of who will rule the house and be the leader and who would be ruled were on. The cat lived in the house and the mice lived in the walls of the home. As days passed the cat and mouse's battle trying to get each other in their own little traps they made for one another. There were so many battles over food, who could watch the TV, what was made for dinner and who would have to do house hold chores.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the essay response. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“The mouse was thinking about how to get the cat just to be friends wit the mice in steded of trying to trap them and control the mice. So he said to him self the one day that hes going to out there and talk to the cat. they talked for hours on end trying to find a way to work things out.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once upon a time lived a bear name biggie. Biggie the bear was a hyper active bear that always wants to have fun. One of his favorite things to do is too climbed all the way of the mount blackness and get the tastiest fish up there. But one winter during hibernation mount blackness become filled up with snow causing the rocks and dirt to shift. When biggie the bear woke the following spring hoping that the path would be cleared that. But when he got their he got a surprise.

As biggie walked to the bottom of mount blackness all he could think about was the fish."I sure can't to taste the fish" said biggie. Once biggie seen that the path had been blocked with rocks and tree limbs all he could think about was trying to find another way up there. As Biggie paced back and forth he heard a noise in the bushes. "Who's their" said the bear as the bushes continued to move biggie was prepared for the worst. He herded a voice say "I know another way up the mountain" as biggie waited for something big to walk out of the bush all that came out was a mouse. "Hi my name is blackychan what's your name "said the rabbit. "My name is biggie" said the bear."I couldn't help hearing you talk about how you couldn't get up the mount blackness" "Ya I usually go up this way but for some reason the path has been blocked "said the bear. "I know another way up their, I will take if u want me to". "ok" said the bear. so they started walking up

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay response. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The essay does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“As biggie walked to the bottom of mount blackness all he could think about was the fish.’I sure can't to taste the fish’ said biggie. Once biggie seen that the path had been blocked with rocks and tree limbs all he could think about was trying to find another way up there.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the lesson that would be learned by the characters by the end of the fable. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“‘I know another way up the mountain’ as biggie waited for something big to walk out of the bush all that came out was a mouse. ‘Hi my name is blackychan what's your name ‘said the rabbit. ‘My name is biggie’ said the bear.’I couldn't help hearing you talk about how you couldn't get up the mount blackness’ ‘Ya I usually go up this way but for some reason the path has been blocked ‘said the bear. ‘I know another way up their, I will take if u want me to’. ‘ok’ said the bear. so they started walking up”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“Once upon a time lived a bear name biggie. Biggie the bear was a hyper active bear that always wants to have fun. One of his favorite things to do is too climbed all the way of the mount blackness and get the tastiest fish up there. But one winter during hibernation mount blackness become filled up with snow causing the rocks and dirt to shift.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative does not include details or information that move the story towards a lesson learned. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. A minimal amount of dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses a conflict in the story, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“As biggie walked to the bottom of mount blackness all he could think about was the fish.’I sure can't to taste the fish’ said biggie. Once biggie seen that the path had been blocked with rocks and tree limbs all he could think about was trying to find another way up there.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“As Biggie paced back and forth he heard a noise in the bushes. ‘Who's their’ said the bear as the bushes continued to move biggie was prepared for the worst. He herded a voice say ‘I know another way up the mountain" as biggie waited for something big to walk out of the bush all that came out was a mouse. ‘Hi my name is blackychan what's your name ‘said the rabbit.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“‘I couldn't help hearing you talk about how you couldn't get up the mount blackness’ ‘Ya I usually go up this way but for some reason the path has been blocked ‘said the bear. ‘I know another way up their, I will take if u want me to’. ‘ok’ said the bear.”)

Organization

The essay’s organization is also minimal. The writer provides an opening that minimally reveals the theme of the story. The flow of the story is very difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. Furthermore, the essay demonstrates little evidence of a strong ending.

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the plot is confusing since the writer does not reveal a lesson learned by the characters in the story. (“ Once upon a time lived a bear name biggie. Biggie the bear was a hyper active bear that always wants to have fun. One of his favorite things to do is too climbed all the way of the mount blackness and get the tastiest fish up there.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ But one winter during hibernation mount blackness become filled up with snow causing the rocks and dirt to shift. When biggie the bear woke the following spring hoping that the path would be cleared that. But when he got their he got a surprise.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“‘ Ya I usually go up this way but for some reason the path has been blocked ‘said the bear. ‘I know another way up their, I will take if u want me to’. ‘ok’ said the bear. so they started walking up”) The writer’s fable fails to reveal an insightful lesson the characters may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over.

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The essay also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ When biggie the bear woke the following spring hoping that the path would be cleared that. But when he got their he got a surprise. As biggie walked to the bottom of mount blackness all he could think about was the fish.’I sure can't to taste the fish’ said biggie.”)

There are run-on sentences in the essay response. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“‘ Hi my name is blackychan what's your name ‘said the rabbit. ‘My name is biggie’ said the bear.’I couldn't help hearing you talk about how you couldn't get up the mount blackness’ ‘Ya I usually go up this way but for some reason the path has been blocked ‘said the bear.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ As biggie walked to the bottom of mount blackness all he could think about was the fish.’I sure can't to taste the fish’ said biggie.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the essay response. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. (“One of his favorite things to do is too climbed all the way of the mount blackness and get the tastiest fish up there. But one winter during hibernation mount blackness become filled up with snow causing the rocks and dirt to shift. When biggie the bear woke the following spring hoping that the path would be cleared that. But when he got their he got a surprise.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat. sunny started to yell at him and bully him around. but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush. so he went and checked it out and there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush your gonna give someone a heart attack.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate in the task response. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The essay does not satisfy the main component of the task, which in this case, is to create a fable in which the characters must learn an important lesson about life.

In the beginning, characters are briefly introduced, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on main events happening in the story that would teach a lesson at the end. (“ one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat. sunny started to yell at him and bully him around. but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend…”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“…and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush. so he went and checked it out and there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush…”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. The writer misses the opportunity to teach a lesson through relevant characters and events. (“but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush. so he went and checked it out and there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush your gonna give someone a heart attack.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the essay response. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed and providing details about the characters’ surroundings would help readers imagine the scene in his/her mind. (“ one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“sunny started to yell at him and bully him around. but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush.”)

There is inadequate dialogue to reveal what the characters may think or say aloud. (“…there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush your gonna give someone a heart attack.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the characters, circumstances, and lessons to be learned from the fable. (“ one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat. sunny started to yell at him and bully him around.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush.”)

The story does not include an identifiable ending to reinforce the theme of the prompt task. (“ so he went and checked it out and there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush your gonna give someone a heart attack.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat. sunny started to yell at him and bully him around. but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend…”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ one summer day a cow named johny was walk threw the woods and he ran into sunny the cat.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the essay response. (“so he went and checked it out and there was a dog in there and he was all alone so he asked what are you doing dog get out of that bush your gonna give someone a heart attack.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the essay response. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the essay exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The essay is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“sunny started to yell at him and bully him around. but henry just went on wondering threw the woods hopeing to someday find a friend and he wonderd and wonderd threw the woods and then he herd a slight wining noise in a bush.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Day with a Historical Person or Fictional Character

If you could spend one day with a historical person or a fictional character, who would it be? What would you do during your day together? Where would you go? What would you talk about?

Write a narrative essay describing where you and this person would go and what you and this person would do. Be sure to use details and evidence supporting your ideas.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The early morning light shined on our heads, but then, it was completely dark, as an Airbus A380 roared past. As it touched the pavement with a loud EERK, the spoilers on the wing shot up and the light fog flew gracefully over the wings of the gargantuan aircraft. "How does that giant hunk of steel even fly?" Wilbur Wright asked me. "Well, if you put big enough engines on a brick, it'll soar like an eagle" I replied. His response, as well as his brother's, Orville, was a chuckle. As the airliner rolled onto the taxi way, I asked Orville, "Did you ever think aviation would fly this far?" He smiled and said, "We had our suspicions, but didn't expect anything on this scale, that thing looks like an alien spaceship" "You ain't seen nothing yet! Wait until you see the F-22!"

Throughout the day, we sought anything aviation related in the city. Later, as we piled haphazardly out of a bright yellow taxi, I looked at my watch. It read 1340, or 1:30 P.M., yet it was gloomy out. I shifted my gaze skyward, and observed a dark storm cloud. That would be a problem; we were supposed to fly in a sail plane in an hour. I waited, and the brothers were looking up too, no doubt thinking the same thing. The storm approached ever closer, the clouds looming like a villainous poltergeist. I looked around hopelessly for some inspiration. Out of the corner of my eyes, I glimpsed a flash of lightning, which illuminated a silver metallic building. The aerospace museum, we weren't doomed yet. "I have an idea, we're going that way" I pointed out the building in the distance.

I lead, and they followed me to the museum. It was a strange building. Imagine a coke can split vertically down the center then painted metallic silver. I opened the door, and we filed in to be greeted by a disembodied voice flowing out of the ceiling. "Welcome to the John L. Leaper Aerospace Museum." "Who said that" Orville said. I almost said AI, but I didn't want to explain, so I revised and said, "It's a recorded voice." The answer seemed to satisfy them both, so we continued on. I was looking for something specific, a simulator. Simulators were common in aerospace museums, and usually came in twos or threes. As we were walking along, I just happened to look to the right, and I found what I was looking for times three. "There!" I exclaimed. "What are those?" They asked simultaneously. "Those are the combat flight simulators. It's flying, without actually flying." They looked at me quizzically. "Just watch. You two against me, the controls should be easy for you two." I directed them each to separate pods. I ran my fingers over the pure white machine. I marveled at how the contraption resembled a giant octopus, with a central head, and many arms extending from it. It was full motion.

I climbed the retractable ladder up to the pod, and eagerly climbed inside. I found the ignition and battery controls. I thumbed the former. The screen came to life around me, I looked around. I was on a carrier, with its alarms blaring, warning of imminent trouble. I scanned the watery horizon for the Wright brothers. Sure enough, doing continuous barrel rolls and loops, were the brothers' fighters. I shoved the throttle into the afterburner stage. I shot from the deck at 170 knots. Orville was obviously having trouble getting a hang of the controls, as he was desperately trying to prevent his impending crash into the water. Wilbur, however, was soaring like an eagle, diving straight at me at about 'way too fast' knots. I banked left and up. He wouldn't be able to follow me at his current speed. His flaps flew up and he rapidly decelerated, as I began my loop around, he pulled up. I knew how this would turn out. I reached a vertical pitch, the clouds flowing over my view screen. I imagined we were thinking the same thing: stalemate. At that time, we burst out of the infinitely stretching carpet of clouds, leaving a plane-sized hole behind us. "How does he fly so well? He's never flown a complex aircraft before," I thought to myself. I rolled out of my turn simultaneously with Wilbur. We were head to head now. I hastily armed the missiles. Everything seemed to slow down as we both fired our guns. But I knew something he didn't. Modern missiles are fire-and-forget, or, you can fire them and not have to stay pointed at the other aircraft. I pulled up quickly as the missiles swam to him. I heard a loud explosion through the speakers, and the screen went black. I won! I beat the Wright Brothers!

I opened the canopy and stepped out. Orville was reading a book that he seemingly produced from thin air. It was quiet, as Wilbur hadn't climbed out of his simulator yet. There was heavy rain pattering on the aluminum roof, and thunder boomed in the distance. Orville noticed me standing there. "Who won?" He asked me. "None other than… Me!" Wilbur interjected as he climbed out. "What? I hit you!" "Really? I dodged it, rolled around to your six and blew you to kingdom come! It still says winner on my screen." This came as a great surprise. Perhaps I wasn't as skilled as I thought. Oh well, I suppose it wouldn't be fair to beat the Wright Brothers I thought. I asked them to follow me outside. Wilbur stopped me. "You know we have to go back sometime" I knew he was right I just didn't want to admit it. I halfheartedly pulled the machine out of my pocket, the time machine, and handed it to Orville. He took it, said his farewells, and pressed a red touch-sensitive strip on the side of the device. It began to hum, not loudly, but I could feel the pressure of the sound itself, threatening to crush my skull any moment. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it was over.

I opened my eyes, only to see... no one. They had vanished, back to their rightful time in place. A once in a lifetime opportunity no one would ever believe. I stood there for a while, marveling. It was my machine that I had created for the specific purpose of meeting the brothers. I reached into my pocket and felt the piece of paper that illustrated the machine's blueprint. I started for home. Now for Amelia Earhart, I thought, as I walked back through the lobby.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task while using descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her experiences during a day spent with the Wright brothers.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what the Wright brothers would do and learn during modern times. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are right alongside the characters in the simulator. (“I opened the canopy and stepped out. Orville was reading a book that he seemingly produced from thin air. It was quiet, as Wilbur hadn't climbed out of his simulator yet. There was heavy rain pattering on the aluminum roof, and thunder boomed in the distance. Orville noticed me standing there. ‘Who won?’ He asked me. ‘None other than… Me!’ Wilbur interjected as he climbed out. ‘What? I hit you!’ ‘Really? I dodged it, rolled around to your six and blew you to kingdom come! It still says winner on my screen.’ This came as a great surprise. Perhaps I wasn't as skilled as I thought.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the engaging scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences in the day spent with the Wright brothers. (“Out of the corner of my eyes, I glimpsed a flash of lightning, which illuminated a silver metallic building. The aerospace museum, we weren't doomed yet. ‘I have an idea, we're going that way’ I pointed out the building in the distance. I lead, and they followed me to the museum. It was a strange building. Imagine a coke can split vertically down the center then painted metallic silver. I opened the door, and we filed in to be greeted by a disembodied voice flowing out of the ceiling. ‘Welcome to the John L. Leaper Aerospace Museum.’ ‘Who said that’ Orville said. I almost said AI, but I didn't want to explain, so I revised and said, ‘It's a recorded voice.’”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“He took it, said his farewells, and pressed a red touch-sensitive strip on the side of the device. It began to hum, not loudly, but I could feel the pressure of the sound itself, threatening to crush my skull any moment. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it was over. I opened my eyes, only to see... no one. They had vanished, back to their rightful time in place. A once in a lifetime opportunity no one would ever believe. I stood there for a while, marveling. It was my machine that I had created for the specific purpose of meeting the brothers. I reached into my pocket and felt the piece of paper that illustrated the machine's blueprint. I started for home.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes events that occur during the day with the Wright brothers. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. (“As it touched the pavement with a loud EERK, the spoilers on the wing shot up and the light fog flew gracefully over the wings of the gargantuan aircraft. ‘How does that giant hunk of steel even fly?’ Wilbur Wright asked me. ‘Well, if you put big enough engines on a brick, it'll soar like an eagle’ I replied. His response, as well as his brother's, Orville, was a chuckle. As the airliner rolled onto the taxi way, I asked Orville, ‘Did you ever think aviation would fly this far?’ He smiled and said, ‘We had our suspicions, but didn't expect anything on this scale, that thing looks like an alien spaceship’”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the moment the Wright brothers flew in a simulator. (“‘He's never flown a complex aircraft before,’ I thought to myself. I rolled out of my turn simultaneously with Wilbur. We were head to head now. I hastily armed the missiles. Everything seemed to slow down as we both fired our guns. But I knew something he didn't. Modern missiles are fire-and-forget, or, you can fire them and not have to stay pointed at the other aircraft. I pulled up quickly as the missiles swam to him. I heard a loud explosion through the speakers, and the screen went black. I won! I beat the Wright Brothers!”)

There is very effective information about what happened after the event. (“Oh well, I suppose it wouldn't be fair to beat the Wright Brothers I thought. I asked them to follow me outside. Wilbur stopped me. ‘You know we have to go back sometime’ I knew he was right I just didn't want to admit it. I halfheartedly pulled the machine out of my pocket, the time machine, and handed it to Orville. He took it, said his farewells, and pressed a red touch-sensitive strip on the side of the device. It began to hum, not loudly, but I could feel the pressure of the sound itself, threatening to crush my skull any moment. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it was over.”)

Organization

Organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a clever opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“The early morning light shined on our heads, but then, it was completely dark, as an Airbus A380 roared past. As it touched the pavement with a loud EERK, the spoilers on the wing shot up and the light fog flew gracefully over the wings of the gargantuan aircraft. ‘How does that giant hunk of steel even fly?’ Wilbur Wright asked me. ‘Well, if you put big enough engines on a brick, it'll soar like an eagle’ I replied. His response, as well as his brother's, Orville, was a chuckle. As the airliner rolled onto the taxi way, I asked Orville, ‘Did you ever think aviation would fly this far?’ He smiled and said, ‘We had our suspicions, but didn't expect anything on this scale, that thing looks like an alien spaceship’ ‘You ain't seen nothing yet! Wait until you see the F-22!’”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Throughout the day, we sought anything aviation related in the city. Later, as we piled haphazardly out of a bright yellow taxi, I looked at my watch. It read 1340, or 1:30 P.M., yet it was gloomy out. I shifted my gaze skyward, and observed a dark storm cloud. That would be a problem; we were supposed to fly in a sail plane in an hour. I waited, and the brothers were looking up too, no doubt thinking the same thing. The storm approached ever closer, the clouds looming like a villainous poltergeist.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the possibility of a future encounter with Amelia Earhart. (“I opened my eyes, only to see... no one. They had vanished, back to their rightful time in place. A once in a lifetime opportunity no one would ever believe. I stood there for a while, marveling. It was my machine that I had created for the specific purpose of meeting the brothers. I reached into my pocket and felt the piece of paper that illustrated the machine's blueprint. I started for home. Now for Amelia Earhart, I thought, as I walked back through the lobby.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the effectiveness of the story.

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experiences with the Wright brothers for the day. (“ I halfheartedly pulled the machine out of my pocket, the time machine, and handed it to Orville. He took it, said his farewells, and pressed a red touch-sensitive strip on the side of the device. It began to hum, not loudly, but I could feel the pressure of the sound itself, threatening to crush my skull any moment. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it was over.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ I climbed the retractable ladder up to the pod, and eagerly climbed inside. I found the ignition and battery controls. I thumbed the former. The screen came to life around me, I looked around. I was on a carrier, with its alarms blaring, warning of imminent trouble. I scanned the watery horizon for the Wright brothers. Sure enough, doing continuous barrel rolls and loops, were the brothers' fighters. I shoved the throttle into the afterburner stage. I shot from the deck at 170 knots. Orville was obviously having trouble getting a hang of the controls, as he was desperately trying to prevent his impending crash into the water.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the writer’s excitement as he/she spends time with these aviators for the day. (“ Simulators were common in aerospace museums, and usually came in twos or threes. As we were walking along, I just happened to look to the right, and I found what I was looking for times three. ‘There!’ I exclaimed. ‘What are those?’ They asked simultaneously. ‘Those are the combat flight simulators. It's flying, without actually flying.’ They looked at me quizzically. ‘Just watch. You two against me, the controls should be easy for you two.’ I directed them each to separate pods. I ran my fingers over the pure white machine. I marveled at how the contraption resembled a giant octopus, with a central head, and many arms extending from it. It was full motion.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ The early morning light shined on our heads, but then, it was completely dark, as an Airbus A380 roared past. As it touched the pavement with a loud EERK, the spoilers on the wing shot up and the light fog flew gracefully over the wings of the gargantuan aircraft. ‘How does that giant hunk of steel even fly?’ Wilbur Wright asked me.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Stuck in Wonderland

How do you get to Wonderland? Is it over the hill, or under land, or just behind the tree? Where is the path to Wonderland? Well that question is answered for me the day I met Alice. The day I met Alice was filled with excitement and adventure, when I accidentally fell down a hole. What I did the day I spent with Alice in Wonderland, meeting the white rabbit, the Cheshire cat, the Caterpillar and the ill-tempered queen will live on in my memory forever.

My day started off as a normal one; I took a little walk when suddenly, I fell down a large hole. I looked around, and to my surprise, there were pictures, bookshelves, and cupboards on the tunnel wall. I was falling very slowly. When I landed, I looked around dazedly, seeing a little girl chasing a white rabbit. I thought to myself, "Where in the world have I landed?" The little girl approached me with a surprised look and a British accent, telling me we had to find a white rabbit. Now you could guess how confused I was and by the time I got to my senses; I didn't know what to say. The little girl was still looking at me when she finally just introduced herself and I learned her name was Alice. She was just as confused as I was and thought finding this white rabbit would help us get home. So, that started mine and Alice's interesting journey in Wonderland. Just before I could get up, I saw the white rabbit; he was a little rabbit wearing pants and a waistcoat. He rushed past Alice and me, looking at his watch, saying something about being late. But before we could catch him, he ran through a tiny door, leaving me and Alice chasing behind him.

While chasing the white rabbit, we went through a room were everything was backwards or upside down and when we finally made it where everything was "normal", we had a smiling striped cat looking at us. With his broad smile, he sat on a tree in the shade and introduced himself as Cheshire cat, which I had never heard of before. Alice and I were very intrigued by this smiling character, but before we could get much out of him, he decided to disappear, reappear, and leave us trying to figure out his riddles. He only left us with a little advice about some caterpillar.

Alice and I came upon a mushroom that was surrounded by smoke, with a rather large caterpillar sitting on it. We approached the caterpillar; he blew smoke in our faces! He gave Alice a piece of mushroom and I another piece; if I would have known I would have grown to the size of the Empire State Building, I wouldn't have eaten it. When I took a bite, I was sent soaring in heights; my head cleared the treetops, scaring the birds. When Alice took a bite, she went shrinking so small that I could barely see her from my monstrous size above the trees. I tried yelling down at the caterpillar to change us back but he just said to take another bite. Thankfully, that did the trick, and sent us to our regular heights; by then, we were both ready to leave.

After walking for a while, we came upon a garden where playing cards were working as gardeners. They explained that the ill-tempered queen would behead them if she found out they had planted the wrong colored roses. Suddenly, with a loud sound of a trumpet, the white rabbit came rushing through the crowd yelling to make way for the queen. By the time Alice and I looked up, the queen was in our faces telling us to answer who we were, to straighten our backs, and to answer to her majesty. But before I could say much, Alice spoke up to the ill-tempered queen telling her she wasn't afraid of her, and pushed the deck of cards so they went flying in all directions. Finally, I recognized I was back on the walking trail, like nothing ever had happened. Had it all been an adventure of my imagination or had this really happened? I might never know. But I can tell you, it will be something I will never forget.

The day I spent with Alice was full of adventure and very interesting characters. The white rabbit, Cheshire cat, Caterpillar and ill-tempered queen were all very different, but I learned a very good lesson that day...Alice in Wonderland could be just a dream or it could just be right behind the tree, but you will never really know for sure. But what I do know is, I do not want to get caught there again!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are maintained throughout the story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides relevant descriptions and details.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the adventures experienced during a day spent with Alice in Wonderland. (“The day I met Alice was filled with excitement and adventure, when I accidentally fell down a hole. What I did the day I spent with Alice in Wonderland, meeting the white rabbit, the Cheshire cat, the Caterpillar and the ill-tempered queen will live on in my memory forever.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“While chasing the white rabbit, we went through a room were everything was backwards or upside down and when we finally made it where everything was ‘normal’, we had a smiling striped cat looking at us. With his broad smile, he sat on a tree in the shade and introduced himself as Cheshire cat, which I had never heard of before. Alice and I were very intrigued by this smiling character, but before we could get much out of him, he decided to disappear, reappear, and leave us trying to figure out his riddles.”)

The details in the story focus on all the things that happen during the day spent with Alice in Wonderland. (“Alice and I came upon a mushroom that was surrounded by smoke, with a rather large caterpillar sitting on it. We approached the caterpillar; he blew smoke in our faces! He gave Alice a piece of mushroom and I another piece; if I would have known I would have grown to the size of the Empire State Building, I wouldn't have eaten it. When I took a bite, I was sent soaring in heights; my head cleared the treetops, scaring the birds. When Alice took a bite, she went shrinking so small that I could barely see her from my monstrous size above the trees.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“He gave Alice a piece of mushroom and I another piece; if I would have known I would have grown to the size of the Empire State Building, I wouldn't have eaten it. When I took a bite, I was sent soaring in heights; my head cleared the treetops, scaring the birds. When Alice took a bite, she went shrinking so small that I could barely see her from my monstrous size above the trees. I tried yelling down at the caterpillar to change us back but he just said to take another bite. Thankfully, that did the trick, and sent us to our regular heights; by then, we were both ready to leave.”)

The writer incorporates relevant characters into the narrative. (“ After walking for a while, we came upon a garden where playing cards were working as gardeners. They explained that the ill-tempered queen would behead them if she found out they had planted the wrong colored roses. Suddenly, with a loud sound of a trumpet, the white rabbit came rushing through the crowd yelling to make way for the queen. By the time Alice and I looked up, the queen was in our faces telling us to answer who we were, to straighten our backs, and to answer to her majesty. But before I could say much, Alice spoke up to the ill-tempered queen telling her she wasn't afraid of her, and pushed the deck of cards so they went flying in all directions.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“My day started off as a normal one; I took a little walk when suddenly, I fell down a large hole. I looked around, and to my surprise, there were pictures, bookshelves, and cupboards on the tunnel wall. I was falling very slowly. When I landed, I looked around dazedly, seeing a little girl chasing a white rabbit. I thought to myself, ‘Where in the world have I landed?’ The little girl approached me with a surprised look and a British accent, telling me we had to find a white rabbit. Now you could guess how confused I was and by the time I got to my senses; I didn't know what to say. The little girl was still looking at me when she finally just introduced herself and I learned her name was Alice. She was just as confused as I was and thought finding this white rabbit would help us get home. So, that started mine and Alice's interesting journey in Wonderland.”)

Organization

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ How do you get to Wonderland? Is it over the hill, or under land, or just behind the tree? Where is the path to Wonderland? Well that question is answered for me the day I met Alice. The day I met Alice was filled with excitement and adventure, when I accidentally fell down a hole. What I did the day I spent with Alice in Wonderland, meeting the white rabbit, the Cheshire cat, the Caterpillar and the ill-tempered queen will live on in my memory forever.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ My day started off as a normal one; I took a little walk when suddenly, I fell down a large hole. I looked around, and to my surprise, there were pictures, bookshelves, and cupboards on the tunnel wall. I was falling very slowly. When I landed, I looked around dazedly, seeing a little girl chasing a white rabbit.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ The day I spent with Alice was full of adventure and very interesting characters. The white rabbit, Cheshire cat, Caterpillar and ill-tempered queen were all very different, but I learned a very good lesson that day...Alice in Wonderland could be just a dream or it could just be right behind the tree, but you will never really know for sure. But what I do know is, I do not want to get caught there again!”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a strong sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

Language and tone are consistent. (“ While chasing the white rabbit, we went through a room were everything was backwards or upside down and when we finally made it where everything was ‘normal’, we had a smiling striped cat looking at us. With his broad smile, he sat on a tree in the shade and introduced himself as Cheshire cat, which I had never heard of before. Alice and I were very intrigued by this smiling character, but before we could get much out of him, he decided to disappear, reappear, and leave us trying to figure out his riddles.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ After walking for a while, we came upon a garden where playing cards were working as gardeners. They explained that the ill-tempered queen would behead them if she found out they had planted the wrong colored roses. Suddenly, with a loud sound of a trumpet, the white rabbit came rushing through the crowd yelling to make way for the queen. By the time Alice and I looked up, the queen was in our faces telling us to answer who we were, to straighten our backs, and to answer to her majesty.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the experiences of a day spent with Alice in Wonderland. (“ When I landed, I looked around dazedly, seeing a little girl chasing a white rabbit. I thought to myself, ‘Where in the world have I landed?’ The little girl approached me with a surprised look and a British accent, telling me we had to find a white rabbit. Now you could guess how confused I was and by the time I got to my senses; I didn't know what to say. The little girl was still looking at me when she finally just introduced herself and I learned her name was Alice. She was just as confused as I was and thought finding this white rabbit would help us get home.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ Alice and I came upon a mushroom that was surrounded by smoke, with a rather large caterpillar sitting on it. We approached the caterpillar; he blew smoke in our faces! He gave Alice a piece of mushroom and I another piece; if I would have known I would have grown to the size of the Empire State Building, I wouldn't have eaten it.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The person or character I would spend my day with is Tom Sawyer. The reason I would spend my day with "Tom Sawyer" is because of all the fun things we could possibly get into. Tom is a very energetic person he does not like conforming, and does what he feels he wants to do. He also has a good best friend like I do and I think we have a lot in common. I think he is a really great friend and supports the people he associates with. Even though he might get his friends into trouble, it seems as though he has a genuine good heart. That is a few of the reasons I would hang out with Tom.

The first and main reason I would hang out with Tom is the adventures I would go on. I know in the stories Tom likes making up things but that's what makes the adventures so interesting. Our adventures would be going to get Huckleberry Finn and playing pirates in the cave and trying to rob the Sunday school teachers. That's right, I know it sounds crazy but that's Tom Sawyer for you. I do not know what we would do, but I figure we would sit by the lake and skip rocks or play soldiers in the confederate army. I think it would be like not having a care in the world. Also meeting the townspeople and seeing how he thought about them. Tom would be the best person just to chill and relax with.

What would we talk about you ask? I do not really have a clue but I am pretty sure we would talk about his pap and his family. Tom would try to get me to believe some of his tomfoolery. I would ask him what he thought of slavery because of how much conflict it was causing in the era the book was written in. I would also ask life questions about how he grew up so fast and how he is dealing with it. The main question I would ask is how he deals with his dad knowing the way he treats him. The reason I would ask him that is that I have had problems with my own father in the past so I would want advice on how to handle these types of situations.

I figure we would take a steam boat up and down the big, old the Mississippi River. Why would I go there? Because of that's one of the most beautiful sites that you could ever see. It's the main attraction; the people I could meet the places I could go. I think going on the Mississippi River would be fun because of the unbelievable sights that I would see. I would see the trip being just like the one Huck and Jim took going on all those crazy adventures meeting all kinds of different people. Tom and I would also go back to my house state of Ohio so I could show him what is like where I live. He would be introduced to my friends and family and shown some of my favorite places.

That's why I would choose to hang out with Tom Sawyer. Because, of his funny witty and sometimes unintelligent ways. I think he would have a lot of advice on how to make it in the world at such a young age. I think he would be amazed by the new technologies and sights today. Oh I almost forgot to mention one last time that we would play robbers and steal money from Sunday School teachers. Tom is not only a funny person but he is also a good friend and I think that's what people need in their life someone to stand by them in serious times of need. Those are a few reasons why I would choose to hang out with Tom Sawyer.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative, revealing a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“The person or character I would spend my day with is Tom Sawyer. The reason I would spend my day with ‘Tom Sawyer’ is because of all the fun things we could possibly get into. Tom is a very energetic person he does not like conforming, and does what he feels he wants to do. He also has a good best friend like I do and I think we have a lot in common. I think he is a really great friend and supports the people he associates with. Even though he might get his friends into trouble, it seems as though he has a genuine good heart. That is a few of the reasons I would hang out with Tom.”)

The writer provides relevant details throughout the narrative. (“I know in the stories Tom likes making up things but that's what makes the adventures so interesting. Our adventures would be going to get Huckleberry Finn and playing pirates in the cave and trying to rob the Sunday school teachers. That's right, I know it sounds crazy but that's Tom Sawyer for you. I do not know what we would do, but I figure we would sit by the lake and skip rocks or play soldiers in the confederate army.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“I would see the trip being just like the one Huck and Jim took going on all those crazy adventures meeting all kinds of different people. Tom and I would also go back to my house state of Ohio so I could show him what is like where I live. He would be introduced to my friends and family and shown some of my favorite places.”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer adequately showcases the things done during a day spent with Tom Sawyer.

Some of the main character’s qualities are adequately described. (“Tom is a very energetic person he does not like conforming, and does what he feels he wants to do. He also has a good best friend like I do and I think we have a lot in common. I think he is a really great friend and supports the people he associates with. Even though he might get his friends into trouble, it seems as though he has a genuine good heart. That is a few of the reasons I would hang out with Tom.”)

Adequate details that all relate to the main theme of the story are provided. (“I figure we would take a steam boat up and down the big, old the Mississippi River. Why would I go there? Because of that's one of the most beautiful sites that you could ever see. It's the main attraction; the people I could meet the places I could go. I think going on the Mississippi River would be fun because of the unbelievable sights that I would see. I would see the trip being just like the one Huck and Jim took going on all those crazy adventures meeting all kinds of different people. Tom and I would also go back to my house state of Ohio so I could show him what is like where I live. He would be introduced to my friends and family and shown some of my favorite places.”)

The writer provides specific details that showcase things done with Tom Sawyer. (“The first and main reason I would hang out with Tom is the adventures I would go on. I know in the stories Tom likes making up things but that's what makes the adventures so interesting. Our adventures would be going to get Huckleberry Finn and playing pirates in the cave and trying to rob the Sunday school teachers. That's right, I know it sounds crazy but that's Tom Sawyer for you. I do not know what we would do, but I figure we would sit by the lake and skip rocks or play soldiers in the confederate army. I think it would be like not having a care in the world. Also meeting the townspeople and seeing how he thought about them. Tom would be the best person just to chill and relax with.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing a few of the reasons why a day spent with Tom Sawyer would be so memorable. (“ The person or character I would spend my day with is Tom Sawyer. The reason I would spend my day with ‘Tom Sawyer’ is because of all the fun things we could possibly get into. Tom is a very energetic person he does not like conforming, and does what he feels he wants to do. He also has a good best friend like I do and I think we have a lot in common. I think he is a really great friend and supports the people he associates with. Even though he might get his friends into trouble, it seems as though he has a genuine good heart. That is a few of the reasons I would hang out with Tom.”)

Subtle transitions are used to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer assists readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“What would we talk about you ask? I do not really have a clue but I am pretty sure we would talk about his pap and his family. Tom would try to get me to believe some of his tomfoolery. I would ask him what he thought of slavery because of how much conflict it was causing in the era the book was written in. I would also ask life questions about how he grew up so fast and how he is dealing with it. The main question I would ask is how he deals with his dad knowing the way he treats him.”)

The story provides a summary that gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ That's why I would choose to hang out with Tom Sawyer. Because, of his funny witty and sometimes unintelligent ways. I think he would have a lot of advice on how to make it in the world at such a young age. I think he would be amazed by the new technologies and sights today. Oh I almost forgot to mention one last time that we would play robbers and steal money from Sunday School teachers. Tom is not only a funny person but he is also a good friend and I think that's what people need in their life someone to stand by them in serious times of need. Those are a few reasons why I would choose to hang out with Tom Sawyer.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I figure we would take a steam boat up and down the big, old the Mississippi River. Why would I go there? Because of that's one of the most beautiful sites that you could ever see. It's the main attraction; the people I could meet the places I could go. I think going on the Mississippi River would be fun because of the unbelievable sights that I would see. I would see the trip being just like the one Huck and Jim took going on all those crazy adventures meeting all kinds of different people.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes some of the things he/she would do with Tom Sawyer for the day. (“ I know in the stories Tom likes making up things but that's what makes the adventures so interesting. Our adventures would be going to get Huckleberry Finn and playing pirates in the cave and trying to rob the Sunday school teachers. That's right, I know it sounds crazy but that's Tom Sawyer for you. I do not know what we would do, but I figure we would sit by the lake and skip rocks or play soldiers in the confederate army. I think it would be like not having a care in the world.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ What would we talk about you ask? I do not really have a clue but I am pretty sure we would talk about his pap and his family. Tom would try to get me to believe some of his tomfoolery. I would ask him what he thought of slavery because of how much conflict it was causing in the era the book was written in. I would also ask life questions about how he grew up so fast and how he is dealing with it. The main question I would ask is how he deals with his dad knowing the way he treats him. The reason I would ask him that is that I have had problems with my own father in the past so I would want advice on how to handle these types of situations.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions through most of narrative. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ What would we talk about you ask? I do not really have a clue but I am pretty sure we would talk about his pap and his family. Tom would try to get me to believe some of his tomfoolery. I would ask him what he thought of slavery because of how much conflict it was causing in the era the book was written in.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I could go back in time to spend the day with any historical figure, would be William Shakespeare. During the course of this day we would a go to premier of one of his plays, like Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth. Finally I would tour London with him to see how it was like before the great fire.

I would spend the day with William Shakespeare, because Elizabethan England was such a interesting time, and he was definitely the most iconic figure of this age. His plays are the most popular relic of this time. I would visit William Shakespeare to get a taste of life in this time.

" Of course", Will would say," to get a taste of life here, you must come to one of my plays. I have a play premiering tonight. Why not come to it." And so, I would journey with Will to see the premier of Macbeth. It would be very interesting to see how will really set the stage and played the parts. Also, the behavior of the audience would give amazing insights into Tudor lifestyle.

Finally, we would tour London. Will would obviously be very anxious to show me his home city. It would also be a wonderful experience for me, because I could see how the city was before the great fire. The completely Tudor style city would be a sight behold.

If I was to go back in time to see will, I would do all these things and maybe more. It would be a truly remarkable day, the best vacation ever. I so wish I could experience this day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Limited descriptions and details are provided that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“If I could go back in time to spend the day with any historical figure, would be William Shakespeare. During the course of this day we would a go to premier of one of his plays, like Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth. Finally I would tour London with him to see how it was like before the great fire.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she provides very limited details about the different activities experienced with William Shakespeare. (“Finally, we would tour London. Will would obviously be very anxious to show me his home city. It would also be a wonderful experience for me, because I could see how the city was before the great fire. The completely Tudor style city would be a sight behold.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. He/she mentions activities but does not elaborate enough on each to give readers a full appreciation for the day spent with William Shakespeare. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“‘Of course’, Will would say,’ to get a taste of life here, you must come to one of my plays. I have a play premiering tonight. Why not come to it.’ And so, I would journey with Will to see the premier of Macbeth. It would be very interesting to see how will really set the stage and played the parts. Also, the behavior of the audience would give amazing insights into Tudor lifestyle.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development in the story. Very limited plot, setting, and characters are revealed, and there is a lack of sufficient details to engage readers. The writer discusses how time was spent with William Shakespeare, but he/she does not develop events with details. Additionally, the writer implements only a limited use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“If I could go back in time to spend the day with any historical figure, would be William Shakespeare. During the course of this day we would a go to premier of one of his plays, like Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth. Finally I would tour London with him to see how it was like before the great fire.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces William Shakespeare in the narrative but does not describe him in any way. (“I would spend the day with William Shakespeare, because Elizabethan England was such a interesting time, and he was definitely the most iconic figure of this age.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“‘Of course’, Will would say,’ to get a taste of life here, you must come to one of my plays. I have a play premiering tonight. Why not come to it.’”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does not provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention. (“ If I could go back in time to spend the day with any historical figure, would be William Shakespeare. During the course of this day we would a go to premier of one of his plays, like Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth. Finally I would tour London with him to see how it was like before the great fire.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ Finally, we would tour London. Will would obviously be very anxious to show me his home city. It would also be a wonderful experience for me, because I could see how the city was before the great fire. The completely Tudor style city would be a sight behold.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives readers a full sense of closure. (“ If I was to go back in time to see will, I would do all these things and maybe more. It would be a truly remarkable day, the best vacation ever. I so wish I could experience this day.”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ His plays are the most popular relic of this time. I would visit William Shakespeare to get a taste of life in this time.”)

Oftentimes, the story reveals the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “I,” for example, gives sentences a repetitive tone. (“ Finally I would tour London with him to see how it was like before the great fire. I would spend the day with William Shakespeare, because Elizabethan England was such a interesting time …I would visit William Shakespeare to get a taste of life in this time.”)

The writer attempts to assert a sense of voice. (“ ‘Of course’, Will would say,’ to get a taste of life here, you must come to one of my plays. I have a play premiering tonight. Why not come to it.’ And so, I would journey with Will to see the premier of Macbeth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“I would spend the day with William Shakespeare, because Elizabethan England was such a interesting time, and he was definitely the most iconic figure of this age.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

If i could spend one day with an historical person or a fictional character it would be the fairly odd parent Wanda and Cosmo. They are two characters from the nickalodian cartoon. who are fairy godparents to a little boy named Timmy Turner. Wanda is the smart and serious one while Cosmo is being the dumb and wild one. They love timmy very much like he was there own son and is willing to grant any wish he wishes for. I would like them to do the same for me.

When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland. I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters like Lilo and Sticth,Penny ProudFibeus and Fueb, Little Mermaid and even take picture with the disney channel actors like Raven Symone, Cheetah girls, Hannah Montana, Brenda song, Selena Gomez.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the story. M inimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The writer minimally states the main event of the story. (“When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of a day spent with Wanda and Cosmo. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters like Lilo and Sticth,Penny ProudFibeus and Fueb, Little Mermaid and even take picture with the disney channel actors like Raven Symone, Cheetah girls, Hannah Montana, Brenda song, Selena Gomez.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“They are two characters from the nickalodian cartoon. who are fairy godparents to a little boy named Timmy Turner.”)

Content & Development

Minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. Ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland. I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters like Lilo and Sticth,Penny ProudFibeus and Fueb, Little Mermaid and even take picture with the disney channel actors like Raven Symone, Cheetah girls, Hannah Montana, Brenda song, Selena Gomez.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting and the writer minimally attempts to describe the characters. (“Wanda is the smart and serious one while Cosmo is being the dumb and wild one. They love timmy very much like he was there own son and is willing to grant any wish he wishes for.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed. (“When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland. I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters…”)

Organization

There is a minimal attempt to engage readers in the introduction. (“ If i could spend one day with an historical person or a fictional character it would be the fairly odd parent Wanda and Cosmo. They are two characters from the nickalodian cartoon. who are fairy godparents to a little boy named Timmy Turner.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ They love timmy very much like he was there own son and is willing to grant any wish he wishes for. I would like them to do the same for me. When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once it is over. (“ I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters like Lilo and Sticth,Penny ProudFibeus and Fueb, Little Mermaid and even take picture with the disney channel actors like Raven Symone, Cheetah girls, Hannah Montana, Brenda song, Selena Gomez.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal. S imple language and word choice with little awareness of audience is demonstrated. The narrative also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice or style. (“ If i could spend one day with an historical person or a fictional character it would be the fairly odd parent Wanda and Cosmo. They are two characters from the nickalodian cartoon.”)

Run-on sentences are present in the narrative. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events. (“ When me Wanda and Cosmo hang out i would wish for them to take me to disneyland. I think we all would have fun just riding rides going around taking picture with all the disney cartoon characters like Lilo and Sticth,Penny ProudFibeus and Fueb, Little Mermaid and even take picture with the disney channel actors like Raven Symone, Cheetah girls, Hannah Montana, Brenda song, Selena Gomez.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ They are two characters from the nickalodian cartoon. who are fairy godparents to a little boy named Timmy Turner. Wanda is the smart and serious one while Cosmo is being the dumb and wild one.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized, sequential story. (“They love timmy very much like he was there own son and is willing to grant any wish he wishes for. I would like them to do the same for me.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

If I could go any where with any fictional character it would have to be someone fun someone I would enjoy hanging out with and do something that would memorable and that would be the Wolf from the Three Little Pigs. Wolf seems intresting in many ways that are far from boring. he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ If I could go any where with any fictional character it would have to be someone fun someone I would enjoy hanging out with and do something that would memorable and that would be the Wolf from the Three Little Pigs.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“Wolf seems intresting in many ways that are far from boring.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

There is no identifiable plot developed in the narrative. (“he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“Wolf seems intresting in many ways that are far from boring.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy…”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a day spent with a historical person or fictional character. (“ If I could go any where with any fictional character it would have to be someone fun someone I would enjoy hanging out with and do something that would memorable and that would be the Wolf from the Three Little Pigs.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Wolf seems intresting in many ways that are far from boring. he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the narrative. (“… so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the narrative. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

Missing words affect the communication of the ideas in the narrative. (“ If I could go any where with any fictional character it would have to be someone fun someone I would enjoy hanging out with and do something that would memorable and that would be the Wolf from the Three Little Pigs.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ he is a wolf that has a big big breath and big teath so you can assume that hes gana be the bad guy but he is the main character known as the antagonist and goal was to find and hunt for meaty pigs.”)

No style is reflected by the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“Wolf seems intresting in many ways that are far from boring.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Facing Your Fears

Everybody is afraid of something. Some people may be afraid of certain places, such as a very tall building or a dark forest at night. Other people might find themselves fearful of certain experiences, such as try out for a sport or speaking in public. Still others may find themselves frightened by spiders or vicious dogs.

Think about an experience in which you had to face one of your greatest fears. Write an essay in which you use concrete sensory details and images to describe your experience of facing this fearful situation. Did you learn anything from facing, or not facing, your fears?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Fear is a very natural thing. It is perfectly normal for everyone to have a fear. As for me, I have a great fear of heights. However, this phobia may seem perfectly ridiculous to most people, Simply put, I cannot stand to face my acrophobia head on. The strange thing with myself is that I am perfectly fine when I'm on airplanes, as a matter-of-fact, I enjoy flying on planes. But I cannot take being in tall buildings or large jungle gyms without myself cracking and lying down on the floor some ways from the window or on the ground in a fetal position. I have had many encounters considering this certain phobia such as a my trip to Sea world, my trip to the Sears Tower , and my visits to amusement parks.

One year my family and I have visited Sea world on our way back from visiting my grandparents in Chicago. We have walked around the amusement park for quite a while so we decided to rest and get something to eat. I then saw a gargantuan jungle gym luminously standing over the main food court. From where I stood, I strained my vision just to see little dots which were children climbing up and down the iron-enforced jungle of steel. So slowly, I eventually scaled the large behemoth of steel. As I neared the top, I looked down upon the amusement park and suddenly realized that I was up seven stories in the air and that at any random moment, this jungle gym may buckle under the weight of every child on the jungle gym. This was the first time in this life that I have lived that I realized that I am now actually afraid of heights.

Some year later, I had come to stay with my grandparents in Chicago for the summer. My grandmother was about to go out with her friend's family out in the city for a day, We had gone to see many things, including a great cathedral whose name I cannot take into account at the moment. I mostly remember walking around in a building while my grandmother and her friend had socialized.I do not remember much, I could only take into account smaller fragments and clips of this experience in my memory. But one thing that I surely do take into account is the time where I had been on the near top of an immense skyscraper standing erect and basking in its solitude and immensity in the midday sun. The office contained one lone desk in the middle of the room, with a water dispenser and plants in the corners of the office. Behind the desk were large, wide windows from where one can see all of Chicago , My curiosity piqued so I decided to sedge on that curiosity of mine and allow myself to peer out the window. At first, I believed that it was beautiful, but slowly I looked downwards. Horrified, I retreated from the window in the blink of an eye and profusely sweated, with my heart and my mind racing.

Going to Six Flags and Hershey Park are great times of enjoyment for me. I went to Six Flags one year with my family friends. We had hopped onto the large Ferris wheel overlooking the whole brightly lighted theme park in the mid July sky. At this time I was well aware of my acrophobia, but I did not want to let everyone know so I acted like nothing was wrong roller coasters, but sometimes I buckle under anxiety from Ferris wheels. . Minutes passed, and we had neared the top. I tried to avoid looking out the carriage, but I caught a glimpse of the lit park in the raven sky. The amusement park at night was quite a sight to see. In the noir sky, A simple amusement park seemed like a glimmering jewel or city of lights. Then I slowly looked directly below us to see how far down from the ground we were. I began to quiver and my stomach began to cramp. A couple of my mates began to shake the carriage just for fun, not noticing that I was in a state of pain. I tried to tell them to end their horseplay but my voice had not seemed to be audible for them to hear. That was a very beautiful, yet uncomfortable night. But the thing that I find amusing and annoying at the same time is that I enjoy

Everyone has a fear. It would be almost unnatural for one not to have a fear. Even though fear comes in many different forms, they all originate from one thing. That is fear itself. What you have to do to prevent fear from taking over you completely is to face it head on. I remember that my fear of heights had one day vanished one day while I had been in sixth grade. I had been in project kids class the day that my class had to scale the rock climbing wall. The rock climbing wall was fairly high, but I knew that this would be an exciting event that I wouldn't want to miss. As I began to climb up the wall, I realized that I was about to do something that scared me. Even though I was scared, I decided to face against my fear and climb the wall anyway. I concentrated ahead of me and not below, the only reason that I had been scared of heights in the first place. Eventually I reached the top and I had enjoyed this quite a lot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer communicates with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus and meaning. This written work clearly demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the essay and properly addresses the audience and task. All descriptions and details are effective and relevant to the idea of the writer’s greatest fear and how that fear has affected his/her life. (“Simply put, I cannot stand to face my acrophobia head on. The strange thing with myself is that I am perfectly fine when I'm on airplanes, as a matter-of-fact, I enjoy flying on planes. But I cannot take being in tall buildings or large jungle gyms without myself cracking and lying down on the floor some ways from the window or on the ground in a fetal position.”)

Content & Development

The content and overall development of this essay can best be described as creative, descriptive, and very effective. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed narrative about his/her greatest fear and uses specific and artful descriptions. The essay contains complex characters that effectively establish the writer’s argument. This piece contains an in-depth analysis that engages the reader. (“Minutes passed, and we had neared the top. I tried to avoid looking out the carriage, but I caught a glimpse of the lit park in the raven sky. The amusement park at night was quite a sight to see. In the noir sky, A simple amusement park seemed like a glimmering jewel or city of lights. Then I slowly looked directly below us to see how far down from the ground we were. I began to quiver and my stomach began to cramp. A couple of my mates began to shake the carriage just for fun, not noticing that I was in a state of pain.”)

Organization

The organization throughout this essay is effective. The written work engages the reader with a clever opening, and the piece remains entertaining in the supporting and closing paragraphs. (“Everyone has a fear. It would be almost unnatural for one not to have a fear. Even though fear comes in many different forms, they all originate from one thing. That is fear itself. What you have to do to prevent fear from taking over you completely is to face it head on.”) This essay flows very smoothly due to the use of excellent transitions that support its sequential development.

Language Use & Style

Due to the author's use of creative language and precise word choice, this essay demonstrates a very effective use of language and style. The author cleverly describes his/her biggest fear and how he/she overcame that fear. Throughout the essay, the writer establishes a defined v oice, a strong sense of audience, and an engaging mix of varied sentences. (“My curiosity piqued so I decided to sedge on that curiosity of mine and allow myself to peer out the window. At first, I believed that it was beautiful, but slowly I looked downwards. Horrified, I retreated from the window in the blink of an eye and profusely sweated, with my heart and my mind racing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective control over conventions and mechanics. (“Going to Six Flags and Hershey Park are great times of enjoyment for me. I went to Six Flags one year with my family friends. We had hopped onto the large Ferris wheel overlooking the whole brightly lighted theme park in the mid July sky. At this time I was well aware of my acrophobia, but I did not want to let everyone know so I acted like nothing was wrong roller coasters, but sometimes I buckle under anxiety from Ferris wheels.”) The written work contains f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I fear something that I never knew until recently, that I feared. This is no ordinary scare, but is sure something that most do not even realize they are afraid of until a certain situation happens to them that they dislike. This is an obstacle and challenge for me that I have to face all the time, and I still have not been able to overcome it. The thing that I absolutely fear most is change.

Whether it is for the good of mine, or the bad, I fear it very much. Change is going from being completely comfortable to getting out of that comfort zone, and I do not handle it very well. For example, last year I was on the girl's freshman basketball team, and this year I am on the sophomore team. Even though it is not Junior Varsity or Varsity, I still love it because all my friends on the team are extremely close to one another. My teammates and I get to lead drills for the Freshman and have fun doing so. All has been so good but during the first few days of tryouts, my coach has been making me practice with Junior Varsity and Varsity. I am very nervous because I have the opportunity to move up, but now it will be a constant change. Going from leading everything and having a great time with my friends, to having the coach keep his eye on me for every mistake is a challenge. This is technically a positive change, but being comfortable to getting out of my comfort zone is very hard. This change can end up being for the good, but now it is a weird transition and I fear it.

Anything that is different from what I am used to is change. Another type of change I do not like at all does not directly have to do with me but it involves my sister. For example, my sister Caroline and I are extremely close. We do everything together and have shared a room our whole life. Caroline is going to college and is going to be living in a dormitory and I will not see her very much. Obviously, Caroline will have a great experience, but I am going to have to become adjusted to being without her. This change I do not really like because I am afraid of the unknown. I do not know how I am going to be because I have not experienced this yet. This is another reason why change scares me.

Change constantly involves taking risks because of the fact that you do not know what you have not experienced yet. Therefore, it makes me grow as a person doing things that I would not normally do. Although I fear it, that does not mean I do not think it is good to have changes in life. For example, is someone wants to be a professional singer then that person has to take singing classes and get exposure from the outside world by possibly performing at local bars or parks. The person is going to have to leave their comfort zone. They may be very scared but in the long run if they become a professional singer then that particular change paid off. However, at the same time it was extremely nerve racking because that singer did not know for sure if they were going to become successful, and in that case the change they made was good.

As you can see, I fear change very much. Even if the change is for the good I still fear it. The future holds situations in which you never know what to expect and that makes people fearful. Once I am comfortable with something I like staying with it. When I leave my comfort zone I feel vulnerable and anxious. From experience, I have learned that change is really a good thing. Change is full of opportunities. If you allow change in your life then it can lead you places where you never would of dreamed of. If most people just stayed safe and did the same old thing, then nothing special would happen. Change is, "Life is like a box of chocolates- You never know what you are going to get." ( Forest Gump) Things change, people change, and time changes, for the good or for the bad and that is why I fear change.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very clear focus and meaning. The focus of the essay remains consistent throughout the opening, closing, and supporting paragraphs. This writer demonstrates a fairly good understanding of the purpose of the essay and properly addresses the audience and task. (“Change constantly involves taking risks because of the fact that you do not know what you have not experienced yet. Therefore, it makes me grow as a person doing things that I would not normally do. Although I fear it, that does not mean I do not think it is good to have changes in life.”) All of the author’s descriptions and details are relevant to the idea of facing his/her biggest fear.

Content & Development

This essay contains creative content and is developed descriptively. The writer provides the reader with a well- developed narrative on facing fear, and he/she uses specific details to enhance communication. The characters are believable and aid the writer’s argument. This essay engages the reader. (“As you can see, I fear change very much. Even if the change is for the good I still fear it. The future holds situations in which you never know what to expect and that makes people fearful. Once I am comfortable with something I like staying with it. When I leave my comfort zone I feel vulnerable and anxious. From experience, I have learned that change is really a good thing. Change is full of opportunities.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer clearly defines his/her argument concerning facing a fear. The writer establishes a cohesive, effective opening paragraph (“This is no ordinary scare, but is sure something that most do not even realize they are afraid of until a certain situation happens to them that they dislike. This is an obstacle and challenge for me that I have to face all the time, and I still have not been able to overcome it. The thing that I absolutely fear most is change.”), and he/she follows it with effective supporting and closing paragraphs. The passages of the essay flow smoothly due to good transitions that support the sequential development of the essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. (“For example, is someone wants to be a professional singer then that person has to take singing classes and get exposure from the outside world by possibly performing at local bars or parks. The person is going to have to leave their comfort zone. They may be very scared but in the long run if they become a professional singer then that particular change paid off.”) The writer establishes some evidence of v oice and a clear sense of audience. This essay showcases the use of well-structured, varied sentences.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has good control over conventions and mechanics. (“Going from leading everything and having a great time with my friends, to having the coach keep his eye on me for every mistake is a challenge. This is technically a positive change, but being comfortable to getting out of my comfort zone is very hard. This change can end up being for the good, but now it is a weird transition and I fear it.”) The essay contains few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors do not interfere with the writer’s narrative .

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Every since the tender age of six I have always been claustrophobic when it come to being in tight, compact places like a closest or bedroom. But it all started on this one night when my cousins and I were playing hide and go seek and because we were young we never seek we would always hide. And every time we would play they would act like they could never find me, but come to find out they knew where I was at the whole time. And instead of trying to find me this particular night they decided to lock me in the closest.

That night I remember I cried for at least fifteen minutes, and I never understood why they kept me in there. As I looked around, I tried to find something that I could grab or hold on to for comfort, but there was nothing. Objects kept falling on me and hangers would grab a hold of my shirt which I thought was something tugging on me. And now who would have known the effect that had on me would have haunted me still to this day. I don't like sitting in my room for a long period of time.

I can recall several times when my mother would put my sister and I was on punishment to where we would have to stay in separate rooms, and for me that would never work. I would always get in trouble for leaving me room when I wasn't supposed to. It felt like I was suffocating and my walls were closing in. Another one of my fears that comes along with being claustrophobic is going to jail. I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything that would give me a ticket to jail.

But it was back in the spring of 2004 when I overcome this phobia. My sophomore year while attending high school we had an activity day. This consisted of interactive skills and different games that were played all day long. They had they the television game show called Fear Factor and my friend and I was one of the last couples to compete. My stunt was to be locked in a cage and see who could get out the fastest. I was so nervous, but to show my courage I did it anyways. What was only five minutes felt like three hours, but I mastered it and even though I didn't win this stunt I was still a winner because I overcame my worst fear.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning developed throughout this essay can best be described as adequate. (“I have always been claustrophobic when it come to being in tight, compact places like a closest or bedroom. But it all started on this one night when my cousins and I were playing hide and go seek and because we were young we never seek we would always hide.”) The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. The author uses relevant descriptions and details, but the essay could benefit from more specific, sensory details.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is fairly descriptive and clear. The writer provides a basic narrative using some specific and accurate events. The characters are believable and generally establish the writer’s argument. (“I can recall several times when my mother would put my sister and I was on punishment to where we would have to stay in separate rooms, and for me that would never work. I would always get in trouble for leaving me room when I wasn't supposed to. It felt like I was suffocating and my walls were closing in.”) The essay manages to engage the reader and uses an internal dialogue to reveal the author’s thoughts.

Organization

This essay exhibits fairly clear opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The events in this author’s narrative generally flow due to somewhat consistent transitions that support the essay’s overall development. (“And instead of trying to find me this particular night they decided to lock me in the closest…That night I remember I cried for at least fifteen minutes, and I never understood why they kept me in there. As I looked around, I tried to find something that I could grab or hold on to for comfort, but there was nothing.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author does demonstrate some awareness of v oice and a sense of audience. (“They had they the television game show called Fear Factor and my friend and I was one of the last couples to compete. My stunt was to be locked in a cage and see who could get out the fastest. I was so nervous, but to show my courage I did it anyways. What was only five minutes felt like three hours, but I mastered it and even though I didn't win this stunt I was still a winner because I overcame my worst fear.”) This author uses correct, somewhat varied sentences and chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author has an adequate control over conventions and mechanics. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“I can recall several times when my mother would put my sister and I was on punishment to where we would have to stay in separate rooms, and for me that would never work.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people fear of speaking in public and I'm one of them, first of all in my opinion I think that it's very hard to speak in front of a lot of people. I get very nervous when I have to read or talk about something because people just stare and kind of gets annoying. Public speaking is one of the main stressful things for people but, one thing you have to always have in mind is that you are doing the right thing and that everyone has their eyes on you and you have to do your best to face your fear.

There are many ways to face your fears many people start feeling like their heart starts beating faster and their mouth starts to get dry. Some may feel nauseous or even feel like fainting, some people start shaking and their voice will start to tremble. The reason why that happens is because they feel very scared and think that they look dumb.

Another reason why people are also scared of public speaking is because they think that they look foolish and stupid infront some of the important people they know. They fear that their mind will go blank when they are infront talking. Things you should to to face your fear is to relax before you are giving a speech, practice your speech over and over and you should read it infront of a group before presenting.You should know what you are talking about so you don't cut of infront of everyone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits a limited focus and meaning. The writer provides a somewhat vague argument in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“ Many people fear of speaking in public and I'm one of them, first of all in my opinion I think that it's very hard to speak in front of a lot of people.”) The author also has a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task of the essay. Descriptions and details are relevant to the author’s narrative, but the narrative does not focus on the author's experience of facing a fear.

Content & Development

This essay contains a limited amount of content related to the author facing his/her greatest fear. The writer does an adequate job of developing the plot, setting, and chosen characters, but this essay lacks sufficient support and detail to make it more than a general summary. (“Public speaking is one of the main stressful things for people but, one thing you have to always have in mind is that you are doing the right thing and that everyone has their eyes on you and you have to do your best to face your fear.”) This author does not use dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

The organization of this essay is limited. The writer provides adequate opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs; however, the flow of the essay contains elements of inconsistency or choppiness. The writer’s use of transitional devices is often weak. (“Some may feel nauseous or even feel like fainting, some people start shaking and their voice will start to tremble. The reason why that happens is because they feel very scared and think that they look dumb.”)

Language Use & Style

This writer establishes a simple use of language and style. Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates a limited awareness of v oice and a poor sense of audience. This author uses basic, unvaried sentences and insufficient word choice to narrate his/her story. (“Another reason why people are also scared of public speaking is because they think that they look foolish and stupid infront some of the important people they know. They fear that their mind will go blank when they are infront talking.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author demonstrates a minimal control over conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“There is one other thing that i was affraid of when i was younger, the most thing i was affraid of was being in the dark”) that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am frightened by spiders. The reason why I am affraid of spiders is because this one time, I was at the cabin in the mountians and as I was watching tv and I felt something carwling on me so I looked and it was a huge gaint spider. That was really gross I started crying. When I pushed it off my arm was itching so i had a big bump from the spider biting me. The second thing that I was affraid of when I was little was really dark places. There is one other thing that i was affraid of when i was younger, the most thing i was affraid of was being in the dark. by myself I faced that fear by using a night lite then my parents took the night light out and that is who i face the fear of bring in the dark. There is one other thing that i was affraid of when i was younger the most thing i was affraid of was being in the dark. I faced that fear by using a night lite then my parents took the night light out and that is who i face the fear of bring in the dark.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay demonstrates the author’s minimal understanding of the given task. The writer struggles to express his/her idea of facing a fear and has difficulty understanding the overall purpose and audience of the task. (“The second thing that I was affraid of when I was little was really dark places. There is one other thing that i was affraid of when i was younger, the most thing i was affraid of was being in the dark.”)

Content & Development

The writer establishes a minimally developed plot and setting. The writer’s chosen fear is somewhat apparent, but the essay lacks a sufficient amount of support and detail. (“I faced that fear by using a night lite then my parents took the night light out and that is who i face the fear of bring in the dark.”) This essay does not contain dialogue, which could have been used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Organization

In this essay, any specific information regarding the author facing his/her fear is limited. Overall, this essay has little evidence of structure; the essay lacks consistent opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The flow of essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. (“I looked and it was a huge gaint spider. That was really gross I started crying. When I pushed it off my arm was itching so i had a big bump from the spider biting me. The second thing that I was affraid of when I was little was really dark places.”) The author’s use of transitions is inconsistent, and his/her arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. The author analyzes his/her chosen event using generic, non-descriptive words. (“I faced that fear by using a night lite then my parents took the night light out and that is who i face the fear of bring in the dark.”) The writer also makes basic errors in grammar and sentence structure. The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

have you ever been put in a situation where you had to break through a mental burrier in order for you to go through with something? if so than you have encountered one of your fears . these mental burriers or fears that we encounter can easily be broken through with a little self confidence. these things that bring a sense of fearfullness to us are not all the same. some people are afraid of the hieghts or insects or maybe your still afraid of the dark

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay is inadequate. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus while writing and makes almost no attempt to discuss a time when he/she faced a fear (“some people are afraid of the hieghts or insects or maybe your still afraid of the dark”). The author also demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose and audience of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is insufficient. The author’s descriptions contain no detail and do not fully address the main ideas of the essay. The author introduces ideas briefly and does not develop them (“these mental burriers or fears that we encounter can easily be broken through with a little self confidence. these things that bring a sense of fearfullness to us are not all the same”). The writer also establishes no structured argument.

Organization

In this essay, the author includes little information regarding how he/she faced a fear. (“ have you ever been put in a situation where you had to break through a mental burrier in order for you to go through with something?”) The writer's descriptions are brief, lack detail, and are incomplete. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

In this piece, the author showcases a poor use of language and style. The author makes an attempt to describe how he/she faced a fear, but he/she does so in a minimal fashion (“these things that bring a sense of fearfullness to us are not all the same”). The writer also displays little awareness of audience and voice, and he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage .

Mechanics & Conventions

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate control over conventions and mechanics. The writer commits severe errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“these mental burriers or fears that we encounter can easily be broken through with a little self confidence. these things that bring a sense of fearfullness to us are not all the same. some people are afraid of the hieghts or insects or maybe your still afraid of the dark.”)

Fortunato’s Version of “The Cask of Amontillado”

After reading "The Cask of Amontillado," by E. A. Poe, rewrite the story from the point of view of Fortunato. Include dialogue, description, and pacing to introduce the characters from his view, establish the situation, and describe events.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I know I am a man of power and great wealth. That, of course, is no secret to me or anyone in this entire realm. I, Fortunato, have very few worries and little concern for anything except wine. Wine is my passion, and it has brought me great status and wealth in which I take pride. It has seemed to be my calling in life, for I'm not much good at anything else. But good as doomed is the person who underestimates me; they are bound to be sorely mistaken concerning my intelligence.

For a while I had suspected my honorable Montresor to posses less-than-pleasing motives. He would have his reasons, of course. One of my favorite amusements had been to publicly ridicule him. Though talented, the Montresor is of much lower status than I, and I felt I had the right to torment him all I wanted. Perhaps I became somewhat jealous at the prospect of him one day becoming my equal, or, if it was humanly possible, surpassing me. This may have been only a silly notion, but I entertained it nonetheless. Though the Montresor smiled his merry little smile, I swore I could see something sinister brewing in his eyes.

The Carnival, however, was not a time to worry about such things. It was a time of absolute madness during which to sing, dance, and drink plenty of wine. I was enjoying a superb evening filled with exactly these things, when I spotted the Montresor, walking casually along the ballroom floor in his usual black attire. Outfitted in my striking party-striped dress and my favorite cap and bells, I immediately bounded over to him. At the time, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to harass him. And oh, how I was in the mood to harass him! Montresor greeted me warmly, with an enthusiastic handshake and an especially kind smile. My drunken mind was trying to figure out if he might be up to something, when Montresor abruptly started babbling something about a cask of Amontillado. "I have recently received a pipe of what they say is Amontillado, but I can't be sure if what I have so foolishly bought is truly Amontillado," he said. At that moment I'm afraid I could not keep my mouth from hanging open. "Amontillado!” I exclaimed, hardly believing my ears. "Amontillado! Amontillado!" Montresor patiently explained his doubts in the matter, and confided that he planned to take a man named Luchesi to the cask of wine in order to find out whether or not it was truly Amontillado. Hearing this, I could not understand why the Montresor would be so foolish as to take Luchesi. "Luchesi cannot tell Amontillado from Sherry!" I spluttered, nearly losing my balance. I demanded that Montresor take me to the wine instead, and despite his never-ending objections, I grabbed hold of his arm and led the way to the catacombs where the wine was stored. Slowly we crept into the darkness and left the laughter of the party behind.

Deeper in the vaults, Montresor lit two torches and graciously handed one to me. Though my intoxication was beginning to wear off, my feet were a bit unsteady while we marched over the rocks ad bones that were strewn along the floor underground. My clumsiness caused me to stumble over a rock and I shortly thereafter was overwhelmed by a fit of coughing. They were large, racking coughs, and when I got over them I saw a worried look on the Montresor's shadowy face. His eyebrows were drawn together as he expressed concern for me. "We must go back, your health is precious. These catacombs are much too damp for your condition." I stood up straight and firmly resisted his plea. "A cough will not kill me; I will see that Amontillado or die trying." "As you wish", said the Montresor. We continued forward. Again, I saw a trace of something evil in his face. That's when a plan of my own began to form in my mind. I felt the dagger beneath my coat. I kept it with me always, and now it would finally come in handy. Once we reached the Amontillado, I would rid Italy of the Montresor once and for all. And as a prize, I would inherit an entire cask of Amontillado. Around a narrow bend, Montresor pulled out a bottle of Medoc. "To defend you from the cold", he explained. I pretended to take a long drought, and then dropped the bottle to the ground, where it smashed and splattered among the bones. Summoning all my giddiness, I made a fool of myself to cause him to believe I was completely drunk. I thought myself rather smart. All the while Montresor led me toward the precious cask of Amontillado, the Amontillado that was soon to be mine.

It was a little later. According to the Montresor, the cask was just a few steps further. So, on I went, and to my surprise, ran into a brick wall. Before I could realize what was happening, the Montresor had pinned me down and was chaining me to the wall. My utter shock took my breath away and I could not speak. Montresor, with pure anger glowing in his eyes, revealed hidden bricks and mortar. As he slowly began to build a wall around me, I knew I had been defeated. I let out a low moan. This was not just. When the Montresor had almost completed the wall, he simply laughed. "The Amontillado?" I inquired weakly. "It never existed", came his reply. The blackness closed down upon me as the Montresor filled in the last brick. He called my name, and I did not reply. But I'm sure he could hear me screaming as his footsteps faded away in the darkness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases the characters’ motivations and actions that lead to Fortunato’s untimely death.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer describes events from Fortunato’s perspective. Readers are drawn into these events that lead to the catacombs. Readers can feel as though they are walking in these dark caverns right alongside Montresor and Fortunato. (“Deeper in the vaults, Montresor lit two torches and graciously handed one to me. Though my intoxication was beginning to wear off, my feet were a bit unsteady while we marched over the rocks ad bones that were strewn along the floor underground. My clumsiness caused me to stumble over a rock and I shortly thereafter was overwhelmed by a fit of coughing. They were large, racking coughs, and when I got over them I saw a worried look on the Montresor's shadowy face. His eyebrows were drawn together as he expressed concern for me. ‘We must go back, your health is precious. These catacombs are much too damp for your condition.’ I stood up straight and firmly resisted his plea. ‘A cough will not kill me; I will see that Amontillado or die trying.’ ‘As you wish’, said the Montresor.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the tense exchanges between the two main characters, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance these experiences. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences that lead to the main character’s demise. (“It was a little later. According to the Montresor, the cask was just a few steps further. So, on I went, and to my surprise, ran into a brick wall. Before I could realize what was happening, the Montresor had pinned me down and was chaining me to the wall. My utter shock took my breath away and I could not speak. Montresor, with pure anger glowing in his eyes, revealed hidden bricks and mortar. As he slowly began to build a wall around me, I knew I had been defeated. I let out a low moan. This was not just. When the Montresor had almost completed the wall, he simply laughed. ‘The Amontillado?’ I inquired weakly. ‘It never existed’, came his reply. The blackness closed down upon me as the Montresor filled in the last brick. He called my name, and I did not reply. But I'm sure he could hear me screaming as his footsteps faded away in the darkness.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate Fortunato’s experiences from his perspective. (“My drunken mind was trying to figure out if he might be up to something, when Montresor abruptly started babbling something about a cask of Amontillado. ‘I have recently received a pipe of what they say is Amontillado, but I can't be sure if what I have so foolishly bought is truly Amontillado,’ he said. At that moment I'm afraid I could not keep my mouth from hanging open. ‘Amontillado!’ I exclaimed, hardly believing my ears. ‘Amontillado! Amontillado!’ Montresor patiently explained his doubts in the matter, and confided that he planned to take a man named Luchesi to the cask of wine in order to find out whether or not it was truly Amontillado. Hearing this, I could not understand why the Montresor would be so foolish as to take Luchesi. ‘Luchesi cannot tell Amontillado from Sherry!’ I spluttered, nearly losing my balance. I demanded that Montresor take me to the wine instead, and despite his never-ending objections, I grabbed hold of his arm and led the way to the catacombs where the wine was stored. Slowly we crept into the darkness and left the laughter of the party behind.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation that Montresor had a plan of revenge all along and elaborates on Fortunato’s reactions throughout these experiences. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the narrative are relevant and believable. The writer includes details of the history between the two men; in particular, how Fortunato gleefully ridiculed Montresor. This implies a sound reason for Montresor’s actions later in the story. (“For a while I had suspected my honorable Montresor to posses less-than-pleasing motives. He would have his reasons, of course. One of my favorite amusements had been to publicly ridicule him.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find Fortunato boasting of his intelligence and warning others not to underestimate him. It becomes abundantly clear at the end of the story that he had done the same to Montresor. (“I know I am a man of power and great wealth. That, of course, is no secret to me or anyone in this entire realm. I, Fortunato, have very few worries and little concern for anything except wine. Wine is my passion, and it has brought me great status and wealth in which I take pride. It has seemed to be my calling in life, for I'm not much good at anything else. But good as doomed is the person who underestimates me; they are bound to be sorely mistaken concerning my intelligence.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details that reveal what Fortunato would be willing to do to make the Amontillado his for the taking. (“We continued forward. Again, I saw a trace of something evil in his face. That's when a plan of my own began to form in my mind. I felt the dagger beneath my coat. I kept it with me always, and now it would finally come in handy. Once we reached the Amontillado, I would rid Italy of the Montresor once and for all. And as a prize, I would inherit an entire cask of Amontillado. Around a narrow bend, Montresor pulled out a bottle of Medoc. ‘To defend you from the cold’, he explained. I pretended to take a long drought, and then dropped the bottle to the ground, where it smashed and splattered among the bones. Summoning all my giddiness, I made a fool of myself to cause him to believe I was completely drunk. I thought myself rather smart. All the while Montresor led me toward the precious cask of Amontillado, the Amontillado that was soon to be mine.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing an engaging opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the main character, Fortunato, and exposes readers to his arrogance. Almost serving as a foreshadowing, Fortunato’s arrogance may contribute to his eventual undoing. (“I know I am a man of power and great wealth. That, of course, is no secret to me or anyone in this entire realm. I, Fortunato, have very few worries and little concern for anything except wine. Wine is my passion, and it has brought me great status and wealth in which I take pride. It has seemed to be my calling in life, for I'm not much good at anything else. But good as doomed is the person who underestimates me; they are bound to be sorely mistaken concerning my intelligence.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“The Carnival, however, was not a time to worry about such things. It was a time of absolute madness during which to sing, dance, and drink plenty of wine. I was enjoying a superb evening filled with exactly these things, when I spotted the Montresor, walking casually along the ballroom floor in his usual black attire. Outfitted in my striking party-striped dress and my favorite cap and bells, I immediately bounded over to him. At the time, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to harass him. And oh, how I was in the mood to harass him! Montresor greeted me warmly, with an enthusiastic handshake and an especially kind smile.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing Fortunato’s defeat and Montresor’s stroll into a new life without him. (“As he slowly began to build a wall around me, I knew I had been defeated. I let out a low moan. This was not just. When the Montresor had almost completed the wall, he simply laughed. ‘The Amontillado?’ I inquired weakly. ‘It never existed’, came his reply. The blackness closed down upon me as the Montresor filled in the last brick. He called my name, and I did not reply. But I'm sure he could hear me screaming as his footsteps faded away in the darkness.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to give Fortunato an air of arrogance and confidence in many scenes in the story. (“ For a while I had suspected my honorable Montresor to posses less-than-pleasing motives. He would have his reasons, of course. One of my favorite amusements had been to publicly ridicule him. Though talented, the Montresor is of much lower status than I, and I felt I had the right to torment him all I wanted. Perhaps I became somewhat jealous at the prospect of him one day becoming my equal, or, if it was humanly possible, surpassing me. This may have been only a silly notion, but I entertained it nonetheless.”)

The writer’s use of coherent style and tone adds depth to the motivations and reactions of the characters in the story. (“ We continued forward. Again, I saw a trace of something evil in his face. That's when a plan of my own began to form in my mind. I felt the dagger beneath my coat. I kept it with me always, and now it would finally come in handy. Once we reached the Amontillado, I would rid Italy of the Montresor once and for all. And as a prize, I would inherit an entire cask of Amontillado. Around a narrow bend, Montresor pulled out a bottle of Medoc. ‘To defend you from the cold’, he explained. I pretended to take a long drought, and then dropped the bottle to the ground, where it smashed and splattered among the bones. Summoning all my giddiness, I made a fool of myself to cause him to believe I was completely drunk. I thought myself rather smart. All the while Montresor led me toward the precious cask of Amontillado, the Amontillado that was soon to be mine.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the tension building between Montresor and Fortunato as the story moves to a climax. (“ It was a little later. According to the Montresor, the cask was just a few steps further. So, on I went, and to my surprise, ran into a brick wall. Before I could realize what was happening, the Montresor had pinned me down and was chaining me to the wall. My utter shock took my breath away and I could not speak. Montresor, with pure anger glowing in his eyes, revealed hidden bricks and mortar. As he slowly began to build a wall around me, I knew I had been defeated. I let out a low moan. This was not just. When the Montresor had almost completed the wall, he simply laughed. ‘The Amontillado?’ I inquired weakly. ‘It never existed’, came his reply. The blackness closed down upon me as the Montresor filled in the last brick.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the communication of the writer’s story.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Montresor patiently explained his doubts in the matter, and confided that he planned to take a man named Luchesi to the cask of wine in order to find out whether or not it was truly Amontillado. Hearing this, I could not understand why the Montresor would be so foolish as to take Luchesi. ‘Luchesi cannot tell Amontillado from Sherry!’ I spluttered, nearly losing my balance.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The horror story began at dusk during the middle of carnival season. I had finished off a lovely glass of brandy that was abundant during the carnival when he approached me. My friend (who was the recent butt of all my jokes) came and told me something marvelous, something that I should have not believed from the beginning. He looked pleased to see me, wearing that cold smirk on his face that could pass as a smile. "My dear Fortunato, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking today!" his thin mouth formed the joyful words though his eyes looked as bleak as ever. While continuing to shake my hand, he told me about a rare sherry that he had in his possession that could pass as Amontillado. Really! I mused; this man had a whole pipe of Amontillado! And in the middle of carnival season! If this was so, then I must surely taste it for myself!

My friend offered to take me to the place where he stored the Amontillado. He wanted someone to verify how authentic this precious drink was, saying that if I wasn't up to the task, he would ask my rival, Luchesi, to verify it in my place. I would not have that! That Luchesi! Always trying to be the best! My friend, putting on a black mask of silk, led me to his vaults. He kept his alcohol where the dead of his family were buried. The vast underground catacombs chilled me to the bone, causing me to have a coughing fit. My guide asked me if I wished to return to the surface, but I declined. My yearning for the Amontillado was too great. I wouldn't stay here long anyway. The two flambeaux that we held in our hands didn't shed much light. The flames cast eerie shadows that made the bones of the dead surrounding us appear to breathe. My friend then willingly gave me an aged bottle of wine to drink. "I drink," I said, "to the buried that repose around us." He responded, "And I to our long life." I wolfed down the drink gratefully. The intoxicating made my vision blur slightly but my body was far warmer than it was previously.

There was a mold that hung thickly around us, nitre it was called. My friend suggested that we leave the tombs. Why would I want to leave the tombs? I was going to get that Amontillado if it's the last thing I do! The air hung heavily with a pungent foul smell. The rooms were getting smaller; I was feeling on edge. I was given another bottle of wine to drink. Now I was having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. The ceiling was low as we reached a small hole in the wall. "Proceed," a voice behind me said; "herein is the Amontillado. As for Luchesi..." "He is an ignoramus." I said as I walked through into the cell-like room. I wasn't going to have someone like Luchesi best me!

Before I knew what was happening to me, I was fettered to granite that was covered in nitre. The look upon my captor’s face looked almost inhuman. Holding the key of the chains that held me bound in his hands, he started to exit the hole in the wall. "The Amontillado!" I cried; I was only able to think of the Amontillado. That was the only thing that seemed real right now. Why was he doing this? I thought we were friends! Who was this monster? Then, he did something that completely shocked my nerve system. He started to brick up the entry! One by one, bricks were set on top of each other closing off the light. I yelled and howled screamed and cried. He did the same back to me but with more rage and volume.

All too soon there was only one brick left. "For the love of God, Montresor!" I wailed. "Yes, for the love of God", he whispers back. "Fortunato!" he calls. I reply with the soft jingling from the bells that are sewn onto my gaily-colored hat. The last block, it fitted into place. The room seems to grow smaller and smaller as I hatefully remember the twisted face of my murderer. Then the air runs out and I drift off to sleep.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer sets the scene that would eventually lead Fortunato to his death. (“The horror story began at dusk during the middle of carnival season. I had finished off a lovely glass of brandy that was abundant during the carnival when he approached me. My friend [who was the recent butt of all my jokes] came and told me something marvelous, something that I should have not believed from the beginning. He looked pleased to see me, wearing that cold smirk on his face that could pass as a smile. ‘My dear Fortunato, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking today!’ his thin mouth formed the joyful words though his eyes looked as bleak as ever. While continuing to shake my hand, he told me about a rare sherry that he had in his possession that could pass as Amontillado. Really! I mused; this man had a whole pipe of Amontillado! And in the middle of carnival season! If this was so, then I must surely taste it for myself!”)

All the parts of the story lead to the main event. (“The ceiling was low as we reached a small hole in the wall. ‘Proceed,’ a voice behind me said; ‘herein is the Amontillado. As for Luchesi...’ ‘He is an ignoramus.’ I said as I walked through into the cell-like room. I wasn't going to have someone like Luchesi best me! Before I knew what was happening to me, I was fettered to granite that was covered in nitre. The look upon my captor’s face looked almost inhuman. Holding the key of the chains that held me bound in his hands, he started to exit the hole in the wall. ‘The Amontillado!’ I cried; I was only able to think of the Amontillado. That was the only thing that seemed real right now. Why was he doing this? I thought we were friends!”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides descriptions that make readers feel sorry for Fortunato as he realizes his fate. (“Who was this monster? Then, he did something that completely shocked my nerve system. He started to brick up the entry! One by one, bricks were set on top of each other closing off the light. I yelled and howled screamed and cried. He did the same back to me but with more rage and volume. All too soon there was only one brick left. ‘For the love of God, Montresor!’ I wailed. ‘Yes, for the love of God’, he whispers back. ‘Fortunato!’ he calls. I reply with the soft jingling from the bells that are sewn onto my gaily-colored hat. The last block, it fitted into place. The room seems to grow smaller and smaller as I hatefully remember the twisted face of my murderer. Then the air runs out and I drift off to sleep.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main characters and notably shares Fortunato’s feelings of pride, arrogance, and disbelief throughout the story. (“My friend offered to take me to the place where he stored the Amontillado. He wanted someone to verify how authentic this precious drink was, saying that if I wasn't up to the task, he would ask my rival, Luchesi, to verify it in my place. I would not have that! That Luchesi! Always trying to be the best! My friend, putting on a black mask of silk, led me to his vaults. He kept his alcohol where the dead of his family were buried. The vast underground catacombs chilled me to the bone, causing me to have a coughing fit. My guide asked me if I wished to return to the surface, but I declined. My yearning for the Amontillado was too great. I wouldn't stay here long anyway.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ There was a mold that hung thickly around us, nitre it was called. My friend suggested that we leave the tombs. Why would I want to leave the tombs? I was going to get that Amontillado if it's the last thing I do! The air hung heavily with a pungent foul smell. The rooms were getting smaller; I was feeling on edge. I was given another bottle of wine to drink. Now I was having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other. The ceiling was low as we reached a small hole in the wall. ‘Proceed,’ a voice behind me said; ‘herein is the Amontillado. As for Luchesi...’”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Before I knew what was happening to me, I was fettered to granite that was covered in nitre. The look upon my captor’s face looked almost inhuman. Holding the key of the chains that held me bound in his hands, he started to exit the hole in the wall. ‘The Amontillado!’ I cried; I was only able to think of the Amontillado. That was the only thing that seemed real right now. Why was he doing this? I thought we were friends! Who was this monster? Then, he did something that completely shocked my nerve system. He started to brick up the entry! One by one, bricks were set on top of each other closing off the light.”)

Organization

The story effectively grabs readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ The horror story began at dusk during the middle of carnival season. I had finished off a lovely glass of brandy that was abundant during the carnival when he approached me. My friend [who was the recent butt of all my jokes] came and told me something marvelous, something that I should have not believed from the beginning. He looked pleased to see me, wearing that cold smirk on his face that could pass as a smile.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ My friend offered to take me to the place where he stored the Amontillado. He wanted someone to verify how authentic this precious drink was, saying that if I wasn't up to the task, he would ask my rival, Luchesi, to verify it in my place. I would not have that! That Luchesi! Always trying to be the best! My friend, putting on a black mask of silk, led me to his vaults. He kept his alcohol where the dead of his family were buried. The vast underground catacombs chilled me to the bone, causing me to have a coughing fit. My guide asked me if I wished to return to the surface, but I declined. My yearning for the Amontillado was too great.”)

The story includes an effective and poignant ending. (“ All too soon there was only one brick left. ‘For the love of God, Montresor!’ I wailed. ‘Yes, for the love of God’, he whispers back. ‘Fortunato!’ he calls. I reply with the soft jingling from the bells that are sewn onto my gaily-colored hat. The last block, it fitted into place. The room seems to grow smaller and smaller as I hatefully remember the twisted face of my murderer. Then the air runs out and I drift off to sleep.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer integrates good language use, voice, and style throughout the narrative. He/she demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with good voice and a clear sense of audience. There are also well-structured sentences with some variety .

The language and tone are consistent throughout the story. The writer effectively illustrates Fortunato’s disbelief at what was happening to him in the catacombs. (“ Who was this monster? Then, he did something that completely shocked my nerve system. He started to brick up the entry! One by one, bricks were set on top of each other closing off the light. I yelled and howled screamed and cried. He did the same back to me but with more rage and volume. All too soon there was only one brick left. ‘For the love of God, Montresor!’ I wailed. ‘Yes, for the love of God’, he whispers back. ‘Fortunato!’ he calls. I reply with the soft jingling from the bells that are sewn onto my gaily-colored hat. The last block, it fitted into place. The room seems to grow smaller and smaller as I hatefully remember the twisted face of my murderer. Then the air runs out and I drift off to sleep.”)

The writer’s style ensures that readers know the inner thoughts of the main character through the entire narrative. (“ My friend, putting on a black mask of silk, led me to his vaults. He kept his alcohol where the dead of his family were buried. The vast underground catacombs chilled me to the bone, causing me to have a coughing fit. My guide asked me if I wished to return to the surface, but I declined. My yearning for the Amontillado was too great. I wouldn't stay here long anyway. The two flambeaux that we held in our hands didn't shed much light. The flames cast eerie shadows that made the bones of the dead surrounding us appear to breathe. My friend then willingly gave me an aged bottle of wine to drink. ‘I drink,’ I said, ‘to the buried that repose around us.’ He responded, ‘And I to our long life.’ I wolfed down the drink gratefully.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the moment Fortunato realizes that something shocking and unexpected was happening to him. (“ Before I knew what was happening to me, I was fettered to granite that was covered in nitre. The look upon my captor’s face looked almost inhuman. Holding the key of the chains that held me bound in his hands, he started to exit the hole in the wall. ‘The Amontillado!’ I cried; I was only able to think of the Amontillado. That was the only thing that seemed real right now. Why was he doing this? I thought we were friends!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ My friend offered to take me to the place where he stored the Amontillado. He wanted someone to verify how authentic this precious drink was, saying that if I wasn't up to the task, he would ask my rival, Luchesi, to verify it in my place. I would not have that!”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I, being a wealthy man, have always been thought of harshly. People are easily offended by me, and I am sorry for that. The problem with people is that when I try to apologize, they have already made up their mind that they will forever be offended. I tried to put on a cheerful disposition for the festival tonight.

Mardi Gras has always been my favorite time of the year. I was wearing motley, including my striped cap with bells. I drank, but I wasn't quite drunk. On this night, I was met by my old friend Montresor. He, knowing how much I love wine, informed me of a cask of Amontillado.

"I can see that you are engaged, so I will find Luchesi," Montresor stated. "He is a critical wine collector." Luchesi knows nothing. I had to go; I couldn't pass this up. He seemed as though he was acting like I wasn't important to him because he needed me to go. He took me to his palazzo, and we went into his family catacombs.

I could tell he thought I was drunk; very drunk. I could tell I was sober; well, for the most part. As we continued to walk through the catacombs, I knew for sure he was manipulating me. When I would cough, he would say, "Go back. You are rich, respected, and beloved. You must recover." He would then say something about Luchesi, which was meant to make me jealous so that I would go on. I had no idea why he needed me to follow him so badly, but I knew it could not be good.

He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. "And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells," he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.

When he finally stepped back, I tried to follow him, but before I travelled even a small two steps, my wrists and ankles stopped. I looked down to see that Montresor had shackled me to the wall. I had barely even felt him touch me, especially cuff my hands and legs. Perhaps I am more intoxicated than I had earlier assumed. "Oh Montresor!" I cried, so frightened that I was laughing, "What a fine joke! Now that we have had our fun, you can unshackle me and we can go back to the palazzo for a taste of that Amontillado!"

Montresor wasn't done. He moved the pile of bones to reveal bricks and mortar. One by one, he stacked the bricks to build a wall in front of me and close me in. As I watched him, I sat silently, knowing that no amount of pleading would ever change Montresor's mind. All I could hope is that someone will find me before it is too late.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The response reflects a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, and the descriptions and details provided are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“I, being a wealthy man, have always been thought of harshly. People are easily offended by me, and I am sorry for that. The problem with people is that when I try to apologize, they have already made up their mind that they will forever be offended…On this night, I was met by my old friend Montresor. He, knowing how much I love wine, informed me of a cask of Amontillado. ‘I can see that you are engaged, so I will find Luchesi,’ Montresor stated. ‘He is a critical wine collector.’ Luchesi knows nothing. I had to go; I couldn't pass this up. He seemed as though he was acting like I wasn't important to him because he needed me to go. He took me to his palazzo, and we went into his family catacombs.”)

The writer focuses on the undertones of conflict and suspicion between the two main characters throughout the narrative. (“I had no idea why he needed me to follow him so badly, but I knew it could not be good.

He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. ‘And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells,’ he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“I looked down to see that Montresor had shackled me to the wall. I had barely even felt him touch me, especially cuff my hands and legs. Perhaps I am more intoxicated than I had earlier assumed. ‘Oh Montresor!’ I cried, so frightened that I was laughing, ‘What a fine joke! Now that we have had our fun, you can unshackle me and we can go back to the palazzo for a taste of that Amontillado!’ Montresor wasn't done. He moved the pile of bones to reveal bricks and mortar. One by one, he stacked the bricks to build a wall in front of me and close me in. As I watched him, I sat silently, knowing that no amount of pleading would ever change Montresor's mind.”)

Content & Development

The narrative demonstrates adequate content and development of ideas. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. Fortunato’s awareness that Montresor is up to something holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“I could tell he thought I was drunk; very drunk. I could tell I was sober; well, for the most part. As we continued to walk through the catacombs, I knew for sure he was manipulating me. When I would cough, he would say, ‘Go back. You are rich, respected, and beloved. You must recover.’ He would then say something about Luchesi, which was meant to make me jealous so that I would go on. I had no idea why he needed me to follow him so badly, but I knew it could not be good.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. ‘And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells,’ he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.”)

The writer builds suspense and surprise in the story; he/she reveals that Fortunato suspects that Montresor’s intentions are not completely pure, but shockingly, he ignores his senses and falls into an evil trap. (“I had no idea why he needed me to follow him so badly, but I knew it could not be good. He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. ‘And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells,’ he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.”)

Organization

The writer adequately grabs readers’ attention by establishing the scenario and introducing the main characters. (“ I, being a wealthy man, have always been thought of harshly. People are easily offended by me, and I am sorry for that. The problem with people is that when I try to apologize, they have already made up their mind that they will forever be offended. I tried to put on a cheerful disposition for the festival tonight. Mardi Gras has always been my favorite time of the year. I was wearing motley, including my striped cap with bells. I drank, but I wasn't quite drunk. On this night, I was met by my old friend Montresor. He, knowing how much I love wine, informed me of a cask of Amontillado.”)

The writer uses subtle transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. ‘And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells,’ he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.

When he finally stepped back, I tried to follow him, but before I travelled even a small two steps, my wrists and ankles stopped. I looked down to see that Montresor had shackled me to the wall.”)

The story’s conclusion captures Fortunato’s sense of hopelessness and, at the same time, leaves readers to speculate whether he will ever be found. (“ Montresor wasn't done. He moved the pile of bones to reveal bricks and mortar. One by one, he stacked the bricks to build a wall in front of me and close me in. As I watched him, I sat silently, knowing that no amount of pleading would ever change Montresor's mind. All I could hope is that someone will find me before it is too late.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I could tell he thought I was drunk; very drunk. I could tell I was sober; well, for the most part. As we continued to walk through the catacombs, I knew for sure he was manipulating me. When I would cough, he would say, ‘Go back. You are rich, respected, and beloved. You must recover.’ He would then say something about Luchesi, which was meant to make me jealous so that I would go on. I had no idea why he needed me to follow him so badly, but I knew it could not be good.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes Fortunato’s awareness that Montresor was planning something devious in nature. This feature of the narrative allows for a suspenseful plot that keeps the readers engaged until the end. (“ He offered me wine, which I had been taught to never refuse. I noticed that he never drank any himself. He had something in mind that he needed to stay sober for. This was planned; I was sure of it. ‘And here we have the crypt in which the Amontillado dwells,’ he informed me. I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently contribute to the suspense that builds in the story. (“ When he finally stepped back, I tried to follow him, but before I travelled even a small two steps, my wrists and ankles stopped. I looked down to see that Montresor had shackled me to the wall. I had barely even felt him touch me, especially cuff my hands and legs. Perhaps I am more intoxicated than I had earlier assumed. ‘Oh Montresor!’ I cried, so frightened that I was laughing, ‘What a fine joke! Now that we have had our fun, you can unshackle me and we can go back to the palazzo for a taste of that Amontillado!’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout the story. There are a few minor errors, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer ensures that sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections are spelled and used correctly and paragraphs are indicated with line breaks. (“ I looked to my left and saw that the usual orderly stack of bones had been scattered to form a mound. Montresor all but forced me into the far wall of the crypt. His body was blocking the way out into the passageway, so all I could do was struggle.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

What Really happened

It was dusk when my dear friend Montresor came to me. I was enjoying the caravel this is my favorite kind of party there is always something delicious to drink and everyone dresses in fabulous costumes. My friend came to me and insisted I came down to the catacombs. Knowing my friend well I followed him. We went down the old dusty staircase it was very damp and cool. I wanted to go back to the party but Montresor wanted to keep going.

The dust and the cold was too much for me I started coughing. I could not stop Montresor said we could go back but I knew he wanted to keep going I could see it in his dark, crystal black eyes. I told my friend we must keep going.

We finally reached the end of the twisty staircase when we bumped into a cask of wine. Montresor opened the cask and in it was amontillado wine the rarest and finest wine of all. I should know I love wine it is the most tasteful thing in the entire universe. Knowing me well Montresor got us a fine glass of wine. One glass of amontillado will not satisfy me though. Montresor knew this so he kept giving me the wonderful drink, I did not know this was part of his torturous plan.

We walked down the hallway together I think, I am not completely sure I was so drunk I could not walk a straight line. The next thing I knew was Montresor ties me up. He starts building a wall.

Montresor has always tried to trick me but I have to say this trick was the best. He was not even laughing while doing it. Finally he was almost done with his naughty trick but he still had not let me out I start laughing and I said something like okay Montresor you win let me out but I never heard anything, but you know I think I remember him calling my name but that is all I heard.

I thought he would come back for me. I was sitting in the catacombs all alone. I kept trying to think what I could have done to make him so angry. I know what it was I have known for a long time I did not want to believe myself. Montresor has been jealous of me for a while I did not think that would ever, ever come between us.

What did I do to deserve this? How can he do this to me? There are so many questions I need answered I cannot believe this is how our friendship shall end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the overall message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“My friend came to me and insisted I came down to the catacombs. Knowing my friend well I followed him. We went down the old dusty staircase it was very damp and cool. I wanted to go back to the party but Montresor wanted to keep going.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. He/she focuses limited details on the motivation for Montresor’s actions as well as Fortunato’s realization and reaction to Montresor’s revenge. (“We finally reached the end of the twisty staircase when we bumped into a cask of wine. Montresor opened the cask and in it was amontillado wine the rarest and finest wine of all. I should know I love wine it is the most tasteful thing in the entire universe. Knowing me well Montresor got us a fine glass of wine. One glass of amontillado will not satisfy me though. Montresor knew this so he kept giving me the wonderful drink, I did not know this was part of his torturous plan. We walked down the hallway together I think, I am not completely sure I was so drunk I could not walk a straight line. The next thing I knew was Montresor ties me up. He starts building a wall.”)

The writer misses the opportunity to enlighten readers on the relationship and conflict between the two main characters. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“I thought he would come back for me. I was sitting in the catacombs all alone. I kept trying to think what I could have done to make him so angry. I know what it was I have known for a long time I did not want to believe myself. Montresor has been jealous of me for a while I did not think that would ever, ever come between us.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals a limited plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of what happened to Fortunato during the course of the evening at the carnival. The writer discusses Montresor’s revenge against Fortunato but does not fully assert a possible motive for his actions toward Fortunato. The writer reveals thoughts of characters but does not implement the use of dialogue to accomplish it.

Although the writer provides brief information to set the stage for the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“We walked down the hallway together I think, I am not completely sure I was so drunk I could not walk a straight line. The next thing I knew was Montresor ties me up. He starts building a wall.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. For example, the writer introduces Montresor into the narrative but does not describe him or the reason for his revenge in a satisfactory way. (“Montresor has always tried to trick me but I have to say this trick was the best. He was not even laughing while doing it. Finally he was almost done with his naughty trick but he still had not let me out I start laughing and I said something like okay Montresor you win let me out but I never heard anything, but you know I think I remember him calling my name but that is all I heard.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“My friend came to me and insisted I came down to the catacombs. Knowing my friend well I followed him. We went down the old dusty staircase it was very damp and cool. I wanted to go back to the party but Montresor wanted to keep going.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention, but the flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but may be weak. The writer does manage to provide readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading; however, the writer presents too many details with gaps in time. In doing so, he/she does not prepare readers for an organized, well-sequenced story. Additionally, the introduction sets the tone for a hurried response to the prompt task. (“ It was dusk when my dear friend Montresor came to me. I was enjoying the caravel this is my favorite kind of party there is always something delicious to drink and everyone dresses in fabulous costumes. My friend came to me and insisted I came down to the catacombs. Knowing my friend well I followed him. We went down the old dusty staircase it was very damp and cool. I wanted to go back to the party but Montresor wanted to keep going.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ We finally reached the end of the twisty staircase when we bumped into a cask of wine. Montresor opened the cask and in it was amontillado wine the rarest and finest wine of all. I should know I love wine it is the most tasteful thing in the entire universe. Knowing me well Montresor got us a fine glass of wine. One glass of amontillado will not satisfy me though. Montresor knew this so he kept giving me the wonderful drink, I did not know this was part of his torturous plan.”)

The writer provides an ending that gives the readers some sense of closure. At the very end of the story, the writer questions Montresor’s motives and readers are led to believe that it is not only the end of a friendship, but also the end of Fortunato’s life. (“ What did I do to deserve this? How can he do this to me? There are so many questions I need answered I cannot believe this is how our friendship shall end.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of some of the sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting for the intended audience. (“ I thought he would come back for me. I was sitting in the catacombs all alone. I kept trying to think what I could have done to make him so angry.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. This gives the story a repetitive tone and detracts from the overall effectiveness of the narrative. (“ I could not stop Montresor said we could go back but I knew he wanted to keep going I could see it in his dark, crystal black eyes. I told my friend we must keep going.”)

Although there is an attempt to employ sophisticated, descriptive word choices, the structures of many sentences negate this, which makes for an ineffective narrative overall. (“ We finally reached the end of the twisty staircase when we bumped into a cask of wine. Montresor opened the cask and in it was amontillado wine the rarest and finest wine of all. I should know I love wine it is the most tasteful thing in the entire universe.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. Notably, the lack of correct comma usage in the story makes understanding difficult for the intended audience. (“Montresor opened the cask and in it was amontillado wine the rarest and finest wine of all. I should know I love wine it is the most tasteful thing in the entire universe. Knowing me well Montresor got us a fine glass of wine.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

Fortunato and Montresor in Italy. It's a bad idea to have them together. It's during carnival time. Fortunato's rather drink the wine than Luchesi. He just wants to make Montresor his friend but, Montresor keeps being mean.

Fortunato is getting tricked to die. Montresor wants Fortunato dead for something that happened along time ago. He gets drunk and gets tricked into almost being killed. But, eventually he dies. Fortunato still thinks him and montresor is still best pals. Maybe he should think before he does things.

Hes chained to the wall wanting to kill montrosor for trusting him. But what he doesnt know is that he is dying. Fortunato is locked up in a room nd hes chained he going to die eventually.

At the end also known as the revolution fortunato dies.Very slowly Montresor gets happy.

Montresor wants revenge on fortunato and so he slowly try's to kill him and he succeeded.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the retelling of the story from Fortunato’s perspective. He/she demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“Fortunato is getting tricked to die. Montresor wants Fortunato dead for something that happened along time ago. He gets drunk and gets tricked into almost being killed. But, eventually he dies.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of Fortunato’s version of events occurring in “The Cask of Amontillado.” More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“Hes chained to the wall wanting to kill montrosor for trusting him. But what he doesnt know is that he is dying. Fortunato is locked up in a room nd hes chained he going to die eventually.”)

The details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. The writer misses the opportunity to inform readers about the possible reasons for a conflict between the two men; it is important that readers understand why Montresor would want to kill Fortunato. (“It's during carnival time. Fortunato's rather drink the wine than Luchesi. He just wants to make Montresor his friend but, Montresor keeps being mean. Fortunato is getting tricked to die. Montresor wants Fortunato dead for something that happened along time ago.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses some experiences from Fortunato’s perspective, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“Hes chained to the wall wanting to kill montrosor for trusting him. But what he doesnt know is that he is dying. Fortunato is locked up in a room nd hes chained he going to die eventually.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“Fortunato and Montresor in Italy. It's a bad idea to have them together. It's during carnival time. Fortunato's rather drink the wine than Luchesi. He just wants to make Montresor his friend but, Montresor keeps being mean.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not developed in any way. By including dialogue to illustrate interactions between the two main characters, readers could better understand the shock of the situation for Fortunato and the motives of the antagonist, Montresor. (“At the end also known as the revolution fortunato dies.Very slowly Montresor gets happy. Montresor wants revenge on fortunato and so he slowly try's to kill him and he succeeded.”)

Organization

The writer does not succeed in engaging the readers in the beginning of the story. (“ Fortunato and Montresor in Italy. It's a bad idea to have them together.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story. By including effective transitions, the writer can create a flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ Hes chained to the wall wanting to kill montrosor for trusting him. But what he doesnt know is that he is dying. Fortunato is locked up in a room nd hes chained he going to die eventually. At the end also known as the revolution fortunato dies.Very slowly Montresor gets happy.”)

The story does not provide an effective ending that would leave readers with a sense of understanding and closure. (“ Montresor wants revenge on fortunato and so he slowly try's to kill him and he succeeded.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ Fortunato and Montresor in Italy. It's a bad idea to have them together. It's during carnival time. Fortunato's rather drink the wine than Luchesi.”)

Sentences are poorly constructed in the story. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ At the end also known as the revolution fortunato dies.Very slowly Montresor gets happy. Montresor wants revenge on fortunato and so he slowly try's to kill him and he succeeded.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ Fortunato is getting tricked to die. Montresor wants Fortunato dead for something that happened along time ago. He gets drunk and gets tricked into almost being killed. But, eventually he dies. Fortunato still thinks him and montresor is still best pals. Maybe he should think before he does things.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the narrative. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“Hes chained to the wall wanting to kill montrosor for trusting him. But what he doesnt know is that he is dying. Fortunato is locked up in a room nd hes chained he going to die eventually.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I am Fortunato and i am in a jester suit celebrating a festival. When Amontillado comes up to me and says good thing i found you Fortunato. He says i need your help. I have found some thing that passes as a pipe of Amontillado. So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes. he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the narrative are inadequate. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides very little detail. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the writer does not establish that the purpose of the story is to retell events from Fortunato’s perspective. (“ When Amontillado comes up to me and says good thing i found you Fortunato. He says i need your help.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes. he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“I have found some thing that passes as a pipe of Amontillado.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not provide any details that would give readers an understanding of the events unfolding from the perspective of the victim, Fortunato, in the story. (“he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“I am Fortunato and i am in a jester suit celebrating a festival.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on retelling events from Fortunato’s perspective. (“ I am Fortunato and i am in a jester suit celebrating a festival. When Amontillado comes up to me and says good thing i found you Fortunato.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of the story. (“ He says i need your help. I have found some thing that passes as a pipe of Amontillado. So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that would give the readers a sense of closure. (“ he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence fragments are present in the narrative. (“ When Amontillado comes up to me and says good thing i found you Fortunato.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“So me and Amontillado go to these catacombs and were walking through, I get this really bad cough Amontillado asks me if im ok i say yes. he says we should leave it probably the niter thats making your cough bad.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Having a Superpower for a Day

Imagine you were suddenly granted the superpower of your choice for a day. Consider which superpower you would want to have and what you would do on the day you had your special power.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I didn't know that when I woke up that morning my life would change drastically. I didn't know that this day would be unlike any other I have lived, or will live. I didn't know the adventure that was ahead. Because of that, I didn't prepare for my day in any special manner. Then everything changed as I walked causally into my room. There was an envelope that laid in the center of my bed, and next to it was a tiny emerald vial. I picked up the envelope, and opened it inquisitively. A small paper fluttered out, and I hurried to snatch it up. There was a single paragraph scrawled on one side. I read aloud the message inscribed:

"You have five minutes to consume the provided vial. If you choose otherwise, you will ignore a spectacular chance to use to your advantage, your superpower of choice. The ingredients contained within the vial will be able to recognize your choice and transform your body so that it is compatible with the superpower. The effects are not permanent and will wear off at exactly midnight tonight.I cannot imply enough what a wondrous opportunity you will have wasted if you simply disregard this letter."

Despite what you may think, at the time I wasn't being foolish or carefree. I was perfectly aware of the situation, and of the possible dangers if perhaps this was a trap or a scam. For some reason, directly after reading the letter, I drank the liquid from the vial. Cautiously, I peered around the corner at a mirror in the hallway. An explosion took place then, an explosion of excitement and of joy. Every bit of what the letter had dictated had been true! For if you had been there to look into the mirror with me, all you would have seen is your reflection. You certainly wouldn't have seen mine! I was invisible as a shadow in the night.

I ran down the stairs, down to the kitchen where my family was eating breakfast. I didn't know what to say, or how to tell them the splendid news. Then I decided that I would have a little fun with this. I picked up an apple, and bounced it up and down on the palm of my hand. My brother was the first to notice.

"Oh my gosh," he shrieked.

"What's wrong?" my mother inquired. She turned to see to look at him, and her jaw dropped suddenly. My dad was silent, his eyes, like everyone else's eyes were transfixed upon the apple.

"How about I use an orange next time?" I remarked with a chuckle.

"Natasha? How did you do that?" my brother whooped. I then told them exactly what had happened, starting from the envelope on the bed. Needless to say, they had a difficult time believing my story. Then again, how else could I have juggled the apple unnoticed, or sit before them where they could hear but not see me. I let them see the included note, and before long they believed me.

"Well, what do you plan to do with your powers?" my dad asked.

"I don't know, what should I do? I really don't want to waste this day." I stated.

"I have an idea, but I'm not sure it will work," my mom said. It turned out to be that her idea was to find a laboratory that may be able to extract the source of my invisibility and reproduce it so it may be used again. If scientists are able to find a means of making others invisible, this could change life as we know it.

So then the race began. My mother and father frantically searched the Internet, the phonebook, and the newspaper to find anything that may lead to contacting an elite group of scientists. The hours went by, and hope was beginning to dim. I didn't want to spend my only day with super powers on a wild goose chase. Then my father came upon a website which served as the home page to a science laboratory in New York City . He called the given number, and the scientists in New York seemed interested. They sent two vans of equipment and specialists to our house, which was only an hour away.

Upon arrival, the team set up their interments and begin testing. The hours slipped by and I grew nervous and impatient. More and more scientists came, and our living room soon resembled a technologic buffet of sorts. Finally, one of the leading scientists who had been flown in from Florida , found the answer by testing the empty vial that was left on my bed.

"She isn't really invisible, it only appears so. Actually, her molecules are vibrating so fast that we can't see her. They are accelerated greatly. I have found the chemical formula for the liquid contained in the green vial," he announced. He hesitated, and then pulled out a glass tube that was filled with shining white pills.

"I then condensed the formula into these little capsules, and if they operate correctly will reproduce the invisibility affect that has been demonstrated here," he said. The crowd of scientists cheered, along with the newscasters and other important individuals in the room.

"It has been decided upon that Natasha will be the first to test this new advance," and with that more cheering had erupted from the crowd. I watched in disbelief, for I was both confused and joyful. Hours ago I couldn't even imagine the day that I have had. It was all incredible, the note on my bed, actually becoming invisible, and eventually having a scientific convention in my living room. I could have just fooled around with my powers for a day and had fun with it, but instead I took this opportunity to make a technologic advance for everyone else. If the scientist's pills actually worked, than it all would be worth it. I would forever be indebted to my parents, the scientists, and also whoever or whatever it was that left the mysterious note on my bed. I may never know, but at the time that didn't matter because in two minutes when the invisibility wore off, I would see once and for all if everything was worth it.

The minutes trickled by slowly, although they did come. When at last my body could be seen, it flickered into view, and the crowd gave yet another cheer. My hand trembled and I fumbled to pick up the pill and bring it to my lips. As it dissolved in my mouth, the world seemed to stand still. Not even a murmur betrayed the potent silence. Then all at once, cheers and whoops surged up to deafening heights, and everyone was applauding. I don't really know if I was able to fully comprehend the situation then, there were few who could fully understand the gravity of this momentous event. I wasn't one of them. I felt as if my mind was diluted by a powerful, pure joy. I was invisible!

"What will become of this?" was all I could wonder.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay vividly captures the reader’s interest through the effective use of an insightful controlling idea. (“An explosion took place then, an explosion of excitement and of joy. Every bit of what the letter had dictated had been true! For if you had been there to look into the mirror with me, all you would have seen is your reflection. You certainly wouldn't have seen mine! I was invisible as a shadow in the night.”) This essay truly shows a thorough understanding of the purpose (“I watched in disbelief, for I was both confused and joyful. Hours ago I couldn't even imagine the day that I have had. It was all incredible, the note on my bed, actually becoming invisible, and eventually having a scientific convention in my living room. I could have just fooled around with my powers for a day and had fun with it, but instead I took this opportunity to make a technologic advance for everyone else.”), audience, and task of the prompt. The author uses descriptive words and details to enhance the narrative and heighten the reader's interest.

Content & Development

This essay is fully detailed and has a well-developed plot and theme. This allows the reader to become part of the story and understand the decisions of the main character. The author clearly establishes conflict in the piece by using descriptive details and effective dialogue. (“"Well, what do you plan to do with your powers?" my dad asked. "I don't know, what should I do? I really don't want to waste this day." I stated. "I have an idea, but I'm not sure it will work," my mom said. It turned out to be that her idea was to find a laboratory that may be able to extract the source of my invisibility and reproduce it so it may be used again. If scientists are able to find a means of making others invisible, this could change life as we know it.”)

Organization

The author captures the reader’s attention by opening the story with an enticing scenario. (“I didn't know that when I woke up that morning my life would change drastically. I didn't know that this day would be unlike any other I have lived, or will live. I didn't know the adventure that was ahead. Because of that, I didn't prepare for my day in any special manner. Then everything changed as I walked causally into my room. There was an envelope that laid in the center of my bed, and next to it was a tiny emerald vial.”) This essay is formatted into a chronological sequence of events. This type of structure allows the reader to become part of the action and keeps them on the edge of their seat, wondering what will come next. (“"You have five minutes to consume the provided vial. If you choose otherwise, you will ignore a spectacular chance to use to your advantage, your superpower of choice. The ingredients contained within the vial will be able to recognize your choice and transform your body so that it is compatible with the superpower. The effects are not permanent and will wear off at exactly midnight tonight.I cannot imply enough what a wondrous opportunity you will have wasted if you simply disregard this letter."”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style of this essay are intriguing and vividly descriptive. This author demonstrates a defined voice (“Not even a murmur betrayed the potent silence. Then all at once, cheers and whoops surged up to deafening heights, and everyone was applauding. I don't really know if I was able to fully comprehend the situation then, there were few who could fully understand the gravity of this momentous event. I wasn't one of them. I felt as if my mind was diluted by a powerful, pure joy. I was invisible!”) and a clear sense of audience and purpose.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student has a clear understanding of the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English. Very few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling are evident and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Beep...beep...beep. I woke up to my alarm clock, Monday like every other day, but this was a day I would never forget.

"Time to get ready for school," my mom said as the peeked in my room, she new that the alarm clock was something that I easily forget about and then I go back to sleep.

"Okay, okay, I'll get up in a minute," I said as I drifted back to sleep.

"No, you'll get up now!" my mom said.

I hurried out of bed and got ready for school. I barely made the bus, some things never change. I quickly found a seat next to some new girl, Kate.

"Good morning, Jesse," Kate said enthusiastically.

"Not tired this morning," I said as I pulled out my back pack and finished my math homework. I had twenty minutes to do five problems, not good. Five problems take an hour, but surprisingly I had them done in ten minutes.

"That's weird," I said aloud.

"What?" Kate answered.

"I never can do this math this quick."

"Maybe you're super smart," Kate said as she did her usual annoying giggle.

When the bus got the school, I got off and ran to my locker, grabbed my first period books and made my way to Biology.

"Hello Jesse," my teacher, Mrs. Clark said.

Just then the bell sounded and everyone rushed into the class, including Kate. Mrs. Clark gave us a pop quiz. I couldn't believe it. I actually was done in time. I took my paper up to Mrs. Clarks desk.

"What's wrong?" Mrs. Clark said.

"I'm done." I replied.

"None of the other kids have finished the first question and you say you're done," she took my paper and scanned the answers. "You got them right. Did you cheat? Who told you that we were having a pop quiz?"

"No one. I didn't know, honest. I answered all the questions with out cheating," I said defensively.

"Okay, I believe you that you didn't cheat, now sit down and... read a book till class is over," Mrs. Clark said.

"Whoa, no way. I couldn't have done this fast too. I'm not smarter, maybe I'm faster. Yeah right, that could never happen could it?" I thought to myself as I took my seat.

I went through the rest of the morning finishing all my assignments early, like an hour early. At lunch I ate my lunch in 2 minutes. Next I had gym class. The true test of whether I was super fast or not.

At gym I ran laps around everyone. Even Catherine, the fasted girl in school. Everyone asked me why I was so fast and I said I have super speed and they believed me- Beep...beep...beep.

"Time to wake up," my mom said.

"What's today?" I asked.

"Monday."

"Then it was a dream," I said shocked. It had seemed so real.

"What was a dream."

"I dreamed I was super fast and I ran laps around everyone in gym and finished the pop quiz in two minutes." I answered.

"What a dream? Too bad it's not true."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is a strong narrative that conveys a complete message to the intended audience through an extensive use of dialogue. (“I hurried out of bed and got ready for school. I barely made the bus, some things never change. I quickly found a seat next to some new girl, Kate. "Good morning, Jesse," Kate said enthusiastically. "Not tired morning," I said as I pulled out my back pack and finished my math homework. I had twenty minutes to do five problems, not good. Five problems take an hour, but surprisingly I had them done in ten minutes. "That's weird," I said aloud. "What?" Kate answered. "I never can do this math this quick." "Maybe you're super smart," Kate said as she did her usual annoying giggle.”) The author uses supporting details skillfully to enhance the excitement expressed in this narrative. (“I went through the rest of the morning finishing all my assignments early, like an hour early. At lunch I ate my lunch in 2 minutes. Next I had gym class. The true test of whether I was super fast or not. At gym I ran laps around everyone. Even Catherine, the fasted girl in school.”)

Content & Development

This author uses a well-developed plot to create suspense for the reader. The author explains what is happening to the main character without directly addressing or revealing his/her superpower. (“"Okay, I believe you that you didn't cheat, now sit down and... read a book till class is over," Mrs. Clark said. "Whoa, no way. I couldn't have done this fast too. I'm not smarter, maybe I'm faster. Yeah right, that could never happen could it?" I thought to myself as I took my seat. I went through the rest of the morning finishing all my assignments early, like an hour early. At lunch I ate my lunch in 2 minutes.”) This response’s conflict is heightened through the writer’s control over his/her voice. (“Just then the bell sounded and everyone rushed into the class, including Kate. Mrs. Clark gave us a pop quiz. I couldn't believe it. I actually was done in time. I took my paper up to Mrs. Clarks desk. "What's wrong?" Mrs. Clark said. "I'm done." I replied. "None of the other kids have finished the first question and you say you're done," she took my paper and scanned the answers. "You got them right. Did you cheat? Who told you that we were having a pop quiz?" "No one. I didn't know, honest. I answered all the questions with out cheating," I said defensively.”)

Organization

The author creatively jumps into the story without any introductory statements; this provides an interesting start for the reader. (“Beep...beep...beep. I woke up to my alarm clock, Monday like every other day, but this was a day I would never forget. "Time to get ready for school," my mom said as the peeked in my room, she new that the alarm clock was something that I easily forget about and then I go back to sleep. "Okay, okay, I'll get up in a minute," I said as I drifted back to sleep. "No, you'll get up now!" my mom said.

I hurried out of bed and got ready for school. I barely made the bus, some things never change.”) The story flows smoothly from one event to another, and the conclusion sheds light on the story's conflict and resolution. (“"Time to wake up," my mom said. "What's today?" I asked. "Monday." "Then it was a dream," I said shocked. It had seemed so real. "What was a dream" "I dreamed I was super fast and I ran laps around everyone in gym and finished the pop quiz in two minutes." I answered. "What a dream? Too bad it's not true."”)

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates adequate language use and word choice while providing details that hint at the conflict. (“"None of the other kids have finished the first question and you say you're done," she took my paper and scanned the answers. "You got them right. Did you cheat? Who told you that we were having a pop quiz?" "No one. I didn't know, honest. I answered all the questions with out cheating," I said defensively.”) The sentences are generally well-structured, varied, and demonstrate an appropriate use of voice. (“"Not tired this morning," I said as I pulled out my back pack and finished my math homework. I had twenty minutes to do five problems, not good. Five problems take an hour, but surprisingly I had them done in ten minutes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control over the conventions and mechanics of writing, allowing few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling to interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I would love to be granted a super power. Specially if I got to keep it forever. To choose a good power for myself, I would have to look at my own characteristics- so that I could choose that power I could use the best.

My first choice would be super-knowledge, but I don't think that that is a choice. My next choice would be mind reading. That would be a very nice little power to have. I know that this power comes with its consequences, but I can deal with them. I would enjoy knowing what different people's beliefs on various things are- even from those that don't speak up. I also would like knowing their ideas that they won't share when doing any kind of project or job. Being able to read people's minds would be a very useful power.

The only thing I would dislike about it is- not having boundaries with it. I don't want to be able to delve into people's pasts and in their personal thoughts. I would only want to be able to hear their ideas, cries for help, and other such useful thoughts. This would also be helpful when I am in trouble because I could scare whoever might be attacking me or, at least, call for help. It would also be useful when I get the job I want, because I want to go into criminal behavioral analysis- therefore being able to read the criminals' minds would be extra useful in solving crimes. I could also be useful on jury because I would know if the person on trial was guilty or not.

The ability to 'read' minds would be a very useful power, and even though it has some unwanted factors- I would be willing to take on the consequences. For, what power doesn't have consequences? And why not take on something others wouldn't necessarily enjoy having themselves? Plus it has its uses in work and away from. ( You would also know if your kid was lying- and you wouldn't have to call anyone- just 'paige' them.) I believe that mind 'reading' would be the power I would ask for, and I would use it to clean the streets from crime and save many people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates the intended idea to the audience, but it does not draw the reader in with a complete narrative. The author establishes and focuses on a superpower, the ability to read minds, but does so uneventfully. (“My next choice would be mind reading. That would be a very nice little power to have. I know that this power comes with its consequences, but I can deal with them. I would enjoy knowing what different people's beliefs on various things are- even from those that don't speak up. I also would like knowing their ideas that they won't share when doing any kind of project or job.”) This essay lacks descriptive details which, if added, would have made the essay more alluring to the reader. (“This would also be helpful when I am in trouble because I could scare whoever might be attacking me or, at least, call for help. It would also be useful when I get the job I want, because I want to go into criminal behavioral analysis- therefore being able to read the criminals' minds would be extra useful in solving crimes.”) This essay would excel if it had a clear plot, setting, and dialogue.

Content & Development

The author provides an informative response but fails to be descriptive. (“The ability to 'read' minds would be a very useful power, and even though it has some unwanted factors- I would be willing to take on the consequences. For, what power doesn't have consequences? And why not take on something others wouldn't necessarily enjoy having themselves? Plus it has its uses in work and away from.”) The conflict is established and explained, but the essay lacks supporting details which would enhance the body paragraphs. (“The only thing I would dislike about it is- not having boundaries with it. I don't want to be able to delve into people's pasts and in their personal thoughts. I would only want to be able to hear their ideas, cries for help, and other such useful thoughts.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The author develops two body paragraphs to explain the superpower he/she chose and why it would be beneficial. There is a brief introduction, but no thesis is established. The concluding paragraph nicely sums up the essay and reiterates the benefits of reading minds. (“The ability to 'read' minds would be a very useful power, and even though it has some unwanted factors- I would be willing to take on the consequences. For, what power doesn't have consequences? And why not take on something others wouldn't necessarily enjoy having themselves? Plus it has its uses in work and away from. (“You would also know if your kid was lying- and you wouldn't have to call anyone- just 'paige' them.) I believe that mind 'reading' would be the power I would ask for, and I would use it to clean the streets from crime and save many people.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience and identifies a clear sense of voice and purpose. (“The only thing I would dislike about it is- not having boundaries with it. I don't want to be able to delve into people's pasts and in their personal thoughts. I would only want to be able to hear their ideas, cries for help, and other such useful thoughts. This would also be helpful when I am in trouble because I could scare whoever might be attacking me or, at least, call for help. It would also be useful when I get the job I want, because I want to go into criminal behavioral analysis- therefore being able to read the criminals' minds would be extra useful in solving crimes.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of written English is effective. Few errors in grammar (“Specially if I got to keep it forever.”), punctuation, or spelling are evident in this piece, and they do not interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people today wish they had super powers for various reasons. If I had a super power I would want the power of controlling time. I have made many mistakes in my lifetime and I wish I would be able to turn back time to change every one of my mistakes. One thing I would change would be when I began to make school My last priority. As a result of that, I fell back in three of my classes. Even though I made up the classes, if I had the ability to control time, I would go back to my sophmore and make sure that I put my studies before any thing else. More than anything, if I had this power I would change my entire childhood. From the moment I was born until I was nine years old,my household was to violent for any child to be in. In the twenty four hours in which I would have these powers I would attempt to change so much, not just for myself, but for others as well. For my grandmother, I would go back to the day before her brother died and make sure she told him how much she loved him. For my grandfather, I would go back to the day before he had his stroke. For him I would do this because before he had his stroke he was able to drive but always hated it. Now that he can not drive anymore he misses it. For my brother, I would go back to when he graduated from high school because that was the happiest I have ever seen my brother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has some positive qualities, but in the end it fails to deliver a powerful narrative that captures the reader’s attention. (“Many people today wish they had super powers for various reasons. If I had a super power I would want the power of controlling time. I have made many mistakes in my lifetime and I wish I would be able to turn back time to change every one of my mistakes.”) While the author does stay focused on a central idea, s/he doesn't complete a narrative with a plot, setting, and dialogue. This author fails to fully engage the audience.

Content & Development

The author creates an essay that discusses a superpower, but the plot is limited and there are few supporting details. This story lacks descriptive details that, if added, would allow the reader to relate to the essay on a personal level. (“More than anything, if I had this power I would change my entire childhood. From the moment I was born until I was nine years old,my household was to violent for any child to be in. In the twenty four hours in which I would have these powers I would attempt to change so much, not just for myself, but for others as well.”)

Organization

The organization in this essay is limited; it consists of one large paragraph. The essay contains a brief introductory statement, a few supporting details, and no conclusion. The three main details that the author provides should be separated into distinct body paragraphs. (“In the twenty four hours in which I would have these powers I would attempt to change so much, not just for myself, but for others as well. For my grandmother, I would go back to the day before her brother died and make sure she told him how much she loved him. For my grandfather, I would go back to the day before he had his stroke. For him I would do this because before he had his stroke he was able to drive but always hated it. Now that he can not drive anymore he misses it. For my brother, I would go back to when he graduated from high school because that was the happiest I have ever seen my brother.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience as well as for the task. The author also shows control over sentence structure and word choice. However, the author does not use vivid, descriptive language wh i ch would enhance the plot of this story. (“One thing I would change would be when I began to make school My last priority. As a result of that, I fell back in three of my classes. Even though I made up the classes, if I had the ability to control time, I would go back to my sophmore and make sure that I put my studies before any thing else. More than anything, if I had this power I would change my entire childhood. From the moment I was born until I was nine years old,my household was to violent for any child to be in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author of this essay maintains adequate control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. He/she commits few noticeable errors in grammar (“household was to violent for any child”), punctuation, and spelling (“sophmore”), and they do not interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Having super powers can be over rated. Most people would want super strength or the ability to fly. These powers are just surface abilitys but really cant help anyone directly. They just help a person who already wants to help people. If i could have a super power for a day it would be to make people realize the error in their ways, causing them to become better people by choice. You cant really force perspective on to people but you can convice them to see things your way and that would be my super power to be able to do this to masses. To make the world safer place for everyone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the task. While the author clearly has a very deep message about a unique superpower, he/she does not express it in the narrative form. (“If i could have a super power for a day it would be to make people realize the error in their ways, causing them to become better people by choice.”) It is likely that the author does not fully understand the audience and purpose of this prompt; therefore, he/she completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author provides virtually no details to create a narrative story that would interest and inform a reader. The author starts to explain the superpower he/she would like to have but fails to provide any descriptive details for the reader. (“If i could have a super power for a day it would be to make people realize the error in their ways, causing them to become better people by choice. You cant really force perspective on to people but you can convice them to see things your way and that would be my super power to be able to do this to masses. To make the world safer place for everyone.”) Such incomplete and inadequate support is characteristic of an essay that is “limited” in its content and development.

Organization

This essay is organized into one paragraph; therefore, the author fails to create a unified structure. The single paragraph acts as both an introduction and a short, simple body paragraph. (“Having super powers can be over rated. Most people would want super strength or the ability to fly. These powers are j ust surface abilitys but really cant help anyone directly. They just help a person who already wants to help people.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inadequate for the assigned task and intended audience. Numerous errors in word choice and sentence structure can be found in this essay. (“These powers are just surface abilitys but really cant help anyone directly. They just help a person who already wants to help people. If i could have a super power for a day it would be to make people realize the error in their ways, causing them to become better people by choice. You cant really force perspective on to people but you can convice them to see things your way and that would be my super power to be able to do this to masses.”) However, the author is able to define his/her voice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits the author’s minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. The author commits several errors in grammar (“To make the world safer place for everyone”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that somewhat interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My Superpower for the day will be having the power to give people the power to get good grades and stay with those good grades.

People will be in need of those good grades for pleanty of reasons one to stay out of jail, to keep there parents trust, to become in what they want to become in their furture. I think that the power of giving good grades will help alot of people's lives. Keep them from getting in to trouble. If I had the power to give good grades

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does mention the superpower he/she would like to have, a narrative is not developed to further explain this idea. (“People will be in need of those good grades for pleanty of reasons one to stay out of jail, to keep there parents trust, to become in what they want to become in their furture.”)

Content & Development

This author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. This essay could be improved by adding descriptive details that elaborate on the effects that this superpower would have on the author's life. (“I think that the power of giving good grades will help alot of people's lives. Keep them from getting in to trouble.”)

Organization

This author attempts to organize his/her thoughts into a unified structure. However, he/she fails to fully define an introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction in this essay is clear, short, and simple, and it is followed by a brief body paragraph and no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are simple and poorly structured. (“People will be in need of those good grades for pleanty of reasons one to stay out of jail, to keep there parents trust, to become in what they want to become in their furture. I think that the power of giving good grades will help alot of people's lives. Keep them from getting in to trouble.”) Additionally, the author’s word choice is extremely limited and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. The author’s errors in grammar (“My Superpower for the day will be having the power to give people the power to get good grades and stay with those good grades”), punctuation, and spelling (“pleanty”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Influenced by Power

Write an essay about a time when you were influenced by power.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Power is great to have but it comes with responsibilities" these are the words my grandfather told me. My grandpa had truly influenced me. Power can be tempting to take but it can come at great cost. If you are a leader or head figure in a group or society you have great amount power.

I was in a youth group and they were having an election for a new board group. I was pondering if I should be in the running or not. Being a board member had many responsibilities and consequences. You had to be committed at the job at hand. I wanted to make decisions in this board because they needed an upcoming new person to have new events. The youth group seemed like it was going to end soon. I wanted to make the group better but I didn't know if I was good enough to make it better. I wasn't the only one joining the group there were other board members in the running so I had competition.

The time to make my decision was drawing closer and closer and I still had no clue on what to do. While the sign-in list was right in front of me people started writing their name on the list while I was still gradually thinking. Then five minutes later I picked up my courage and wrote my name on the list. The same day when I was inside my bed I could not go to sleep. It was crept in my mind and it just would not go out. The days kept passing by until election and I had to make my dreaded speech which I was so nervous for. I had to gaze into the eyes of over 500 people while I try to persuade them to elect me to be a board member. I knew I had the qualities of being a board member and make this youth group a better society and I really wanted the power and to help make a great youth group but I don't know if I really could or I kept saying to myself what if I mess up.

The day April 1st finally arrived and it the crowd was buzzing. The time kept ticking my heart kept beating faster and faster. All the people in the running for the board which consisted of seven spots sat down on the stage. There were seven spots and ten people giving speeches. That meant that three people would not make the board. I sat before six other people and after each person delivered their speech I became more nervous. When it finally became my turn I stared at the crowd and began with a big and deep breath. I stuttered my first words and then at the exact moment I started to sweat and I began to panic. In my mind I thought to myself if you want this power you have to earn it and it will not come easy at all. Then I just somehow and someway I just got over my nerves and said the rest of my speech. During the speech there were numerous laughs and so many people smiling; this made me happy because I thought had done a good job. Though I might have done well nothing was set and stone yet I have not earned my spot in the board until the votes are in. I went down the long and narrow stairs and went toward my friends they told me in a confident and passionate voice and they said "you got this man there is no way you aren't going to make the board". My friends knew I wanted to make the youth group better they knew I wanted part of the power in my hands. They knew I always wanted to be in the board but I never had the guts or the confidence to say my speech in front of these tons of people that showed up to the election. The power I wanted is just similar in the sports I play which are basketball and football. In basketball I am usually the point guard which decides to make the pass or shoot. In football I am sometimes the quarterback who has to make a lot of decisions like whether to throw the ball deep or short or to throw the ball fast or slow. When being the quarterback you have to decide which receiver to throw to or just throw the ball out of bounds. The quarterback has the power of choices he can make whatever decision he thinks is right to win the game. I want to be the quarterback of this board and lead it to achieve certain amount of goals.

Then it was finally decision time for the candidates. One by one people began to be called and I was scared to death that my name was not going to be called. There had been five people that had been called and two more remaining and then another name was called and it was not mine. Then this was the moment of truth I was going to make it or break it. Then the final name was called and it was my name. I gasped a bit of air and my nervousness went to smokes. I was so excited and jubilant; I used exactly what my grandpa told me I used my knowledge of making the youth group a better place and I obviously had great compassion for it as I was thinking about it ever since I signed up to be a candidate. After I came home from the election I deeply thought about the events of the past couple days. I thought how I wanted to do something to help and how to use my power to help. When I thought I remembered my grandfather he was the one who taught me what is right and wrong. He told me with the power you gained you have to help people in any way. My grandfather was the influence in my life and he showed me how to handle your power that you have. No human being has superpowers and can do things that heroes can, so power is truly is a cherished thing to have but it comes with great responsibilities and great decisions.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story in the essay. The essay states the main event very effectively. (“I was in a youth group and they were having an election for a new board group. I was pondering if I should be in the running or not. Being a board member had many responsibilities and consequences. You had to be committed at the job at hand.”) All of the events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. In the beginning, the supporting events are well stated. (“"Power is great to have but it comes with responsibilities" these are the words my grandfather told me. My grandpa had truly influenced me. Power can be tempting to take but it can come at great cost.”) The purpose of the essay (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. The intended audience targeted in the essay is thoroughly understood. All of the parts in the essay relate to the main event. What happened before the main event in the essay is demonstrated very effectively. The setting (where and when the story happens) is also developed very effectively. (“I was in a youth group and they were having an election for a new board group.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. The writer creates complex characters and clearly establishes tension/conflict/problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. Detail is used to develop the main events of the essay very effectively, and the setting is developed with very effective details. (“The time to make my decision was drawing closer and closer and I still had no clue on what to do. While the sign-in list was right in front of me people started writing their name on the list while I was still gradually thinking. Then five minutes later I picked up my courage and wrote my name on the list.”) The writer also uses details to sufficiently describe the problem in the essay and why it is a problem. (“The youth group seemed like it was going to end soon. I wanted to make the group better but I didn't know if I was good enough to make it better. I wasn't the only one joining the group there were other board members in the running so I had competition.”) The solution to the essay is described in detail. (“I was so excited and jubilant; I used exactly what my grandpa told me I used my knowledge of making the youth group a better place and I obviously had great compassion for it as I was thinking about it ever since I signed up to be a candidate.”) The writer makes effective use of action words from the Word Bank in MY Access!.

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The story in the essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development. The essay contains a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. The introduction demonstrates a very effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention by using detail and including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“"Power is great to have but it comes with responsibilities" these are the words my grandfather told me.”) Transitions are used to make the beginning of the essay creative or exciting . (“ Then it was finally decision time for the candidates.”) The writer succeeds in grabbing the readers’ attention from the beginning of the essay. (“Power can be tempting to take but it can come at great cost. If you are a leader or head figure in a group or society you have great amount power.”) Events are clearly in order, and the essay demonstrates a very effective ending. The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“I was so excited and jubilant; I used exactly what my grandpa told me I used my knowledge of making the youth group a better place and I obviously had great compassion for it as I was thinking about it ever since I signed up to be a candidate.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The paragraphs are aligned well with the first paragraph through language and tone. (“ Then it was finally decision time for the candidates. One by one people began to be called and I was scared to death that my name was not going to be called.”) Coherent style and tone ensure that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ When I thought I remembered my grandfather he was the one who taught me what is right and wrong. He told me with the power you gained you have to help people in any way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. It has few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each paragraph is distinguished by a line break or indentation, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ After I came home from the election I deeply thought about the events of the past couple days. I thought how I wanted to do something to help and how to use my power to help. When I thought I remembered my grandfather he was the one who taught me what is right and wrong.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Why did you do it?" My mom asked my sister while tears were falling down her cheeks like big, heavy rocks. For me it seemed like the biggest crime in the whole world. When she did it, it seemed like a game, like a joke. When my mom and my dad are mad at her and sad at the same time, that isn’t a joke for me. Making my mom and my dad sad and mad, that's the biggest crime. When my mom and dad give me everything I want, there's no way I'm going to hurt them or upset them. That's why I let them tell me what to do or what not to do because their power influence me.

I jumped into the room when I saw my mom alone and asked "Can I go to the movies with Vanessa and Luis?" When she heard the name Luis she asked confused, "Who's Luis?" I turned around and answered nervously, "He's my boyfriend!" When I told her, I started skipping to the door. "So are you going to let me go?" When I asked her again she told me that I had to bring Luis to our house so she could meet him. also that I had to pass all my classes. We made a deal and all of this had to be done by the end of the week.

Those days were like months. On Friday I had to take Luis to my house and show my grades to my mom. I felt excited and scared at he same time. I felt scared because may be my mom and dad weren't going to like something about Luis. I felt excited because I wanted to know my mom's opinion about Luis. I strongly believed that they were going to like him. About my grades, I knew I had passing grades.

On Friday night while I observed my mom cook I heard a soft voice outside my house. "Knock, knock." Somebody knocked in our door. "I'll open!" I screamed while running to the door. "Hey, you are here!" I said with a smile in my face. When Luis came in, I called my mom. She came out of the kitchen with her hands full of grease and flour. "So you are the Luis my daughter is going out again?"

"Yeah, and I wanted to ask you if you could give me permission to go out with your daughter, Karla?" He said with a serious voice. "I really appreciate the fact that you came here just ask permission to go out with my daughter." My mom answered with a smile in her face. "Yeah, you can go out with my daughter!" She added. After we talk for a while, we ate. When we finished eating, Luis left.

My mom and dad congratulated me for my good grades. When we were about to go to sleep, my mom went to my room. She said, "Thank you for telling me what you do or for asking me for an advice." "But I thank you even more for doing what we want you to do, this is what I expected from you!" She added. "You and dad are the persons that influence me, I do all you tell me to do so you and dad can always be happy!" I said this with some serious words that made my mom cry.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Description and details are provided that are all relevant to the essay. The writer mostly uses words that are appropriate for his/her audience; the writer does not use slang, contractions, or other versions of informal language. (“My mom and dad congratulated me for my good grades. When we were about to go to sleep, my mom went to my room. She said, "Thank you for telling me what you do or for asking me for an advice." "But I thank you even more for doing what we want you to do, this is what I expected from you!"”) Detail is used to develop the main events of the essay effectively. (“Those days were like months. On Friday I had to take Luis to my house and show my grades to my mom. I felt excited and scared at he same time.”) The characters are developed in detail. (“"I really appreciate the fact that you came here just ask permission to go out with my daughter." My mom answered with a smile in her face. "Yeah, you can go out with my daughter!" She added. After we talk for a while, we ate. When we finished eating, Luis left.”) Dialogue is used effectively to illustrate the problem/conflict. (“Thank you for telling me what you do or for asking me for an advice." "But I thank you even more for doing what we want you to do, this is what I expected from you!"”) The plot is developed, and the writer provides information about what happened before the main event takes place in the essay. Details are used to effectively describe the essay’s solution. (“My mom answered with a smile in her face. "Yeah, you can go out with my daughter!" She added. After we talk for a while, we ate. When we finished eating, Luis left.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. The writer establishes tension/conflict/problem, which heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts. The introduction demonstrates an effective attempt to grab the readers’ attention by using detail and including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, an exclamation, a flashback, or foreshadowing. (“ "Why did you do it?" My mom asked my sister while tears were falling down her cheeks like big, heavy rocks. For me it seemed like the biggest crime in the whole world.”) Transitions are effectively used to make the beginning creative or exciting. (“ We made a deal and all of this had to be done by the end of the week. / Those days were like months. On Friday I had to take Luis to my house and show my grades to my mom.”) The essay effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. The introduction includes effective background information about the event. Events are clearly in order, and t he essay includes an effective ending, which includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings. (“ She added. "You and dad are the persons that influence me, I do all you tell me to do so you and dad can always be happy!" I said this with some serious words that made my mom cry.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The opening of the essay excites readers to continue reading. The essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. The language and tone are consistent. (“ Those days were like months. On Friday I had to take Luis to my house and show my grades to my mom. I felt excited and scared at he same time. I felt scared because may be my mom and dad weren't going to like something about Luis.”) Coherent style and tone ensure that readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ My mom and dad congratulated me for my good grades. When we were about to go to sleep, my mom went to my room. She said, "Thank you for telling me what you do or for asking me for an advice.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience and uses well-structured sentences with some variety . Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), most sentences end with a punctuation mark, most sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Hey, you are here!" I said with a smile in my face. When Luis came in, I called my mom. She came out of the kitchen with her hands full of grease and flour. "So you are the Luis my daughter is going out again?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. The writer states the main event in the essay adequately. (“I felt excited because I wanted to know my mom's opinion about Luis. I strongly believed that they were going to like him. About my grades, I knew I had passing grades.”) The events in the essay are consistent with the prompt. In the introduction, the supporting events in the essay are adequate. (“When I asked her again she told me that I had to bring Luis to our house so she could meet him. also that I had to pass all my classes. We made a deal and all of this had to be done by the end of the week.”) The intended audience is clear. The parts of the essay relate to the main event, and the writer uses details to maintain the focus on the main event. (“I felt excited because I wanted to know my mom's opinion about Luis. I strongly believed that they were going to like him. About my grades, I knew I had passing grades.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Pass, I'm open" I shouted. Lisa, the captain of our soccer team, just looked straight forward and ignored me. I was tired of it. She never wanted anyone to help her score; not even at practice.

After a few practices I started to get worried, because the district championship would take place soon. However, if she kept taking over we wouldn't have a chance at wining, because we weren't working as a team. Its not that Lisa was mean or anything, it's just that she thought being captain meant taking over everyone and so I thought.

It was the day before our big championship game, and everybody's face looked like they had just seen a ghost pass by. Not only my team mates, but every single bone in my body was scared too. "Just let me have the play and we will be fine" Lisa proclaimed. We were all counting on Lisa to pass the ball when needed to win the game, yet at practice she still refused to accept anyone's help. "Lisa we're a team and playing another team, not playing one to one. It's by time you let others pitch in too." I said. "I'm the captain and if you guys want to win then you have to just let me win for you" she replied. Nobody could do anything else so we just hoped for a miracle.

At last our championship game arrived. As we made our way thorough the fresh, grassy field I could already feel the other team's energy and fierce to beat us. Everything was set; the sun burning hot on us and the whistle that would start the game. We had been playing well in the first half, but now we were in the second half; neck to neck with a score of one to one. Just a few minutes left, and with one more goal we could earn a victory. So far the game was very intense with Lisa in the lead. I was running right next to

her, and I could feel the cool, fresh breeze running through my dark brown locks as I catched up. People were coming towards her so I yelled "Pass, pass." The next thing I knew was that I was now the one with the ball. It was now up to me. As I ran closer and closer to the goalie, I took a look at Lisa and I was surprised to hear her cheering me on. "Score!" the referee yelled. I did it, we had just won.

All Lisa had to do was let someone take a chance too. She might have been the star and captain of the team, but the rest of the team also wanted to shine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are relevant to the main event. (“All Lisa had to do was let someone take a chance too. She might have been the star and captain of the team, but the rest of the team also wanted to shine.”) The events in the essay stay consistent with the prompt. (“"Score!" the referee yelled. I did it, we had just won.”) In the introduction, the supporting events in the essay are adequate, and the intended audience is clear. Details are sufficiently used in the essay to maintain focus on the main event, and the writer includes details about what happened before the main event takes place. (“It was the day before our big championship game, and everybody's face looked like they had just seen a ghost pass by. Not only my team mates, but every single bone in my body was scared too. "Just let me have the play and we will be fine" Lisa proclaimed”) The setting (where and when the story happens) is adequately developed. Sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sound, feels, or smells) are adequately developed. Details about characters are adequate. (“Its not that Lisa was mean or anything, it's just that she thought being captain meant taking over everyone and so I thought.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting, creates believable characters, and establishes tension/conflict/problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the essay. Its dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Adequate detail is used to develop the main events of the essay. (“Not only my team mates, but every single bone in my body was scared too. "Just let me have the play and we will be fine" Lisa proclaimed. We were all counting on Lisa to pass the ball when needed to win the game, yet at practice she still refused to accept anyone's help.”) Details adequately describe the essay’s solution. (“The next thing I knew was that I was now the one with the ball. It was now up to me. As I ran closer and closer to the goalie, I took a look at Lisa and I was surprised to hear her cheering me on. "Score!" the referee yelled. I did it, we had just won. ”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. The essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development. The opening demonst rates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including detail, such as a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ "Pass, I'm open" I shouted. Lisa, the captain of our soccer team, just looked straight forward and ignored me. I was tired of it. She never wanted anyone to help her score; not even at practice.”) Transitions are used to make the beginning creative and exciting. The introduction includes only adequate background information about the event, but events are clearly in order. (“ However, if she kept taking over we wouldn't have a chance at wining, because we weren't working as a team. Its not that Lisa was mean or anything, it's just that she thought being captain meant taking over everyone and so I thought.”) The essay includes an adequate, creative ending. (“ The next thing I knew was that I was now the one with the ball. It was now up to me. As I ran closer and closer to the goalie, I took a look at Lisa and I was surprised to hear her cheering me on. "Score!" the referee yelled. I did it, we had just won.”) The ending includes details about the resolution and characters’ feelings and states a lesson. (“ She might have been the star and captain of the team, but the rest of the team also wanted to shine.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The next thing I knew was that I was now the one with the ball. It was now up to me. As I ran closer and closer to the goalie, I took a look at Lisa and I was surprised to hear her cheering me on. "Score!" the referee yelled. I did it, we had just won. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ At last our championship game arrived. As we made our way thorough the fresh, grassy field I could already feel the other team's energy and fierce to beat us. Everything was set; the sun burning hot on us and the whistle that would start the game.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I walked into the small,smelly locker room on my first day of school. I thought it was going to be a good year but, I was wrong. It was my freshmen year of high school I just joind the wrestling team thinking I could get stronger. I thought that I would have fun and be treated equaly, but I was wrong. On the first day I went to a after school practis, all the other upper classmen treated me and all the other freshmen were like dogs. They made us work constintly and made us workout in a differnt area so that they would have more room.

They made us stay after everybody eles left so that we would roll up the big, red matts. They made stay and wash their smelly, dirty laundry. They would get to set in the back and made us sit in the front. They would make all of the new kids be on one team so on games we would have no chance of beating them. They would make us feel like we were nothing.

We went to separate tournaments and after we got done with ours we would have to weight until they all got done before we got to go. They Would always get to wrestle first and sometimes it would take up our time to wrestle. Sometimes we wouldn’t even get to wrestle. Now im a upper classman and I don't treat the new people like they treated me. I stay after school and help them roll up the matts. I am glad that I am a upper classmen.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. (“I thought that I would have fun and be treated equaly, but I was wrong. On the first day I went to a after school practis, all the other upper classmen treated me and all the other freshmen were like dogs.”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are stated limitedly. (“They made us work constintly and made us workout in a differnt area so that they would have more room.”) Details about characters are limited. (“They made us stay after everybody eles left so that we would roll up the big, red matts. They made stay and wash their smelly, dirty laundry.”) There is also limited or no use of dialogue.

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail to make this more than a summary of what happens in the essay. The tension, conflict, or problem may be stated, but it is not developed. Limited detail is used to develop the main events. (“They made us stay after everybody eles left so that we would roll up the big, red matts. They made stay and wash their smelly, dirty laundry.”) The setting is developed in only limited detail, and there is limited sensory detail. (“I walked into the small,smelly locker room on my first day of school.”) The plot is limited, and there is inadequate development about what happened before the main event. (“We went to separate tournaments and after we got done with ours we would have to weight until they all got done before we got to go. They Would always get to wrestle first and sometimes it would take up our time to wrestle.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the essay may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak. The essay provides the reader with some sense of closure. The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I walked into the small,smelly locker room on my first day of school. I thought it was going to be a good year but, I was wrong.”) The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention with details in the introduction. (“ I thought that I would have fun and be treated equaly, but I was wrong. On the first day I went to a after school practis, all the other upper classmen treated me and all the other freshmen were like dogs. They made us work constintly and made us workout in a differnt area so that they would have more room.”) The introduction includes only limited background information about the event. The essay demonstrates a limited conclusion. (“ They Would always get to wrestle first and sometimes it would take up our time to wrestle. Sometimes we wouldn’t even get to wrestle. Now im a upper classman and I don't treat the new people like they treated me. I stay after school and help them roll up the matts. I am glad that I am a upper classmen.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice and relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ They made stay and wash their smelly, dirty laundry.”) T ransitions are needed, and the style is not formal. (“ On the first day I went to a after school practis, all the other upper classmen treated me and all the other freshmen were like dogs.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“ It was my freshmen year of high school I just joind the wrestling team thinking I could get stronger. I thought that I would have fun and be treated equaly, but I was wrong. On the first day I went to a after school practis, all the other upper classmen treated me and all the other freshmen were like dogs.”) The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor in MY Access! for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I thought it was going to be fun having a brother because I can talk to him and do things with him. I really thought wrong until we had to share room together.

It stated about two or three years ago right after my cousin left from the house. I was going to be awesome that I that I can talk with to when I wanted to. As the weeks went on we stared to fight a little bit over night." Let me go to sleep." I told him. "No I don't have to shut up if I don't want to!" he answered madly at me.

As the years went on we started to gat in more fights." Leave my shirt there!" he would tell me loudly. "NO! That's were my stuff goes. Your stuff goes in the basket!' I answered angry. "Find them I will just leave it there." he responed. "If you do I would not wash you r cloth!' I yell at him. " Find then you loser." he said like he was about to cry.

Today we sometimes fight of thing that don't even matter. We try to get along but, it is hard to do that.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that may stray from the point of the essay. The essay only minimally states the main event. (“I thought it was going to be fun having a brother because I can talk to him and do things with him. I really thought wrong until we had to share room together.”) In the beginning, the supporting events in the essay are also only minimally stated. (“It stated about two or three years ago right after my cousin left from the house. I was going to be awesome that I that I can talk with to when I wanted to.”) Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“"If you do I would not wash you r cloth!' I yell at him. " Find then you loser." he said like he was about to cry.”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. The characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the essay. It lacks tension or conflict to make the essay interesting. Little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts. Minimal detail is used to develop the main events. (“As the weeks went on we stared to fight a little bit over night." Let me go to sleep." I told him. "No I don't have to shut up if I don't want to!" he answered madly at me.”) The characters are not developed in detail. (“Your stuff goes in the basket!' I answered angry. "Find them I will just leave it there." he responed. "If you do I would not wash you r cloth!' I yell at him.”) There are adequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“"If you do I would not wash you r cloth!' I yell at him. " Find then you loser." he said like he was about to cry.”) The dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud) is not developed, and the plot is only minimally developed. There is little important information about what happened before the event. (“It stated about two or three years ago right after my cousin left from the house. I was going to be awesome that I that I can talk with to when I wanted to.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of essay may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. The beginning only minimally grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ I thought it was going to be fun having a brother because I can talk to him and do things with him. I really thought wrong until we had to share room together.’) Transitions are only minimally used to make the beginning creative, and it i ncludes only minimal background information about the event. There is minimal evidence of a conclusion, which does not fully attempt to teach the readers a lesson. (“ Today we sometimes fight of thing that don't even matter.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay contains minimal use of language and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, and transitions are needed. (“ As the weeks went on we stared to fight a little bit over night." Let me go to sleep." I told him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“Leave my shirt there!" he would tell me loudly. "NO! That's were my stuff goes. Your stuff goes in the basket!' I answered angry. "Find them I will just leave it there." he responed.”) The writer should click on MY Editor in MY Access! for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Power has effected my life in a positive and a negative ways. Some of the positive ways power has effected my life. Like when my mom bought me my first tv for my room. I misbehaved she would give me two or three warnings before she would take tv away. She had power over me because of the tv. A couple of years later when I got older I thought if I ever had kids o would not walk out on them like my dad did to me.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates little understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant. (“ When my dad left me and my mom I was only three, to young to understand what was going on.”) In the introduction, the supporting events in the essay are not stated. All parts of the essay do not relate to the main event. (“A couple of years later when I got older I thought if I ever had kids o would not walk out on them like my dad did to me.”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. The characters are introduced, but they are not developed. There is a lack of tension or conflict, which makes the essay uninteresting to follow. Not much happens in the essay, and t he setting is not developed in detail. The characters are also not developed in detail, and no adequate sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.) is included. (“Like when my mom bought me my first tv for my room. I misbehaved she would give me two or three warnings before she would take tv away. She had power over me because of the tv.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It may have an opening that does nothing more than repeat the title of the prompt. The essay lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. The introduction does not creatively grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Power has effected my life in a positive and a negative ways. Some of the positive ways power has effected my life.”) The essay demonstrates no ending and does not leave the readers with something to think about. (“ A couple of years later when I got older I thought if I ever had kids o would not walk out on them like my dad did to me.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short, transitions are needed, and the style is not formal. (“ She had power over me because of the tv.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has e rrors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, or begin each sentence with a capital letter. (“Some of the positive ways power has effected my life. Like when my mom bought me my first tv for my room.”) The writer should click on MY Editor in MY Access! for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Jet Window

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict, and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Jessie watched out the thin glass that separated her from the clouds as they flew peacefully across the Atlantic Ocean. Her stewardess stood at the front of the plane violently popping and chewing her gum like a cow. Jessie glanced at her every so often to see if she had moved or, she hoped, was doing something other than watching her. She continued to look out at the sky, watching the clouds drift slowly around the jet, engulfing them in all white heaven.

"What are you staring at?" A Greek woman behind her asked. Jessie turned around, startled. Her necklace that identified her as a child without adult supervision greedily clung to her seat's arm, gagging her as she turned.

"I'm sorry, what?" She gasped, readjusting the necklace.

"What are you staring at?" The woman asked again. Jessie thought about this for a moment as there seemed to be nothing important, nor reliable, to stare at since it was so white. She sighed and then said, "Do you see that woman? There, at the front of the plane?" The woman slightly looked up over her chair, peeking at the stewardess.

"The American girl?" The woman asked, scrunching her face up.

"Yes, she is supposed to be looking after me. I don't usually get bothered by people taking care of me, but she does not take her eyes away for one second. I'm hoping that by looking out at the clouds, she will find me boring and do something other than stare." Jessie got up on her knees and wrapped her arms around the chair, staring into the woman's brilliant green-lit eyes.

"Child, do not worry about her, she is nothing but the paper in the wind. However, if she comes across annoying, why don't you go to the back of the plane where the bathrooms are?" She asked.

"I have tried and it's useless. She follows me anywhere I go." Jessie sighed and plopped back down into her chair, staring out the window.

Suddenly, a harsh, electrifying voice sounded over the intercom, "All flight attendants are needed immediately in the cockpit." The stewardess watching her hesitated, glancing at Jessie, then the cockpit. Jessie, seeing the opportunity, motioned with her hands for her to go. The girl glared at her with disgust, as if she were upset that a small child was helping her make a decision.

Half an hour later, the crew came back out, each with a different emotion mapped across his or her face. The girl ran to Jessie, carelessly and clumsily bumping into one passenger after another. "Hi Jessie, how are you? Are you hungry? Do you want something? A pillow, maybe?" The girl ran through her words as she stumbled to sit down. Jessie barely caught any of it because it all sounded like a Jenga tower falling to the ground.

"No, thank you."

"Mandalin, call me Mandalin. Or ma'am, but I'm not old," She giggled. "So, call me Mandalin." Jessie sat closer to the window, eyeing her up and down.

"Right, Mandalin, thank you. I'm fine and need no more attention than what has been given." Jessie looked back out her window.

"Oh, that's fine, if you don't mind, I'll just sit here and read this lovely…" She hesitated as she picked up a business magazine, "…magazine." Jessie felt her as she shivered at such a plain and boring article she was holding in her long fingers.

"Whatever," Jessie sighed and continued to stare at the blank clouds. She watched and wondered what the Americas would be like. Would there be poverty like some parts of Great Britain? Would people give you gifts as you stepped off the plane; showering you with welcomes? Or, would they shyly back away, afraid of you, even if you come at no harm? She wondered more and more about these things as the minutes passed with each little blink of an eye.

Soon, Jessie began to notice a slight change in the clouds. A grayish tint grew rapidly, and before long she was engulfed in utter darkness. Fear grew in the pit of her stomach and she reached over to Mandalin's arm, grasping it tightly. All she could see were the letters and pictures that glowed brightly above them. She watched as a picture of a man sitting down suddenly brightened. Several worried murmurs echoed around, all in different languages.

An Irish man talking to his wife asked, "Where did the lights go?"

A small child, barely five, asked, "Mama, where are we?" Her reply was, "In a time lapse from Europe to America, child."

Jessie moved her hands around the side of the plane, searching for the window. Her hand drifted over the cold glass, and she was able to press her face against it, reminding herself where she was.

Suddenly, like a light bulb turning on, a lightning bolt swam around the clouds, lighting up the whole room with more than just its light. The plane shuddered but continued forth as each bolt of light lingered in the air around them. Jessie stared at the faces around her as the lightning struck continuously. Each face more worried than before, holding yet another wish or regret. Jessie looked at Mandalin, who was whiter than the clouds before this darkness.

"Mandalin, where are the lights?" Jessie asked.

"What lights?" She croaked.

"The lights inside the plane."

"Oh, right, those lights," Mandalin laughed.

"Yes, where are they?" Jessie whispered.

"We need all the power we can get to move this plane, I guess." Mandalin said. Jessie knew she was trying to be as calm as she could, so she said, "Don't worry, I bet they come on soon." Mandalin shot her a quick glare. The plane shuddered again, only this time more violently than before. People screamed as stewards, stewardesses, and even some of the other passengers, worked hard to create a calm atmosphere. The oxygen masks dropped down towards the passengers’ heads. Quickly, people greedily grabbed at them, shoving them to their faces. Riddled with worry, they cried and screamed out. The screams grew louder as the plane took a sudden upward movement. The colored signs flickered out covering the entire cabin in complete darkness. Like an earthquake, all Jessie could feel was the rattling and shaking around as they ascended. Gravity pushed her tightly to her chair, making it hard to move or breathe. She closed her eyes, waiting for their plane to blow up as they moved up and out of their atmosphere. Her mind ran through memories of home, of her mama and papa, memories of Aunt Rosset pushing her in the tire swing on the little oak tree near a cool stream, where the fish swam without fear. She wanted to be a fish right now, so fearless and clueless.

Suddenly, the lights in the cabin came back on. She thought for sure she was dead, but as she opened her eyes, she saw the shock and relief were not just on her face. "This is Captain Edgar J. Arthur speaking. I apologize for the inconvenience and I assure you that in a few hours, we're going to make it the Americas." His stern, electric voice wasn't the first thing Jessie wanted to hear, but it made her feel better about the slow descent they started into.

Without warning, the lights went out and a loud booming sound erupted from the back of the plane. Jessie screamed out in fear as two more of the same sounds screeched into her ears. Tears fell down her eyes as, instead of going up, they fell down. She could feel the urgent tugging upward as they spiraled out of control to the freezing waters.

Mandalin screamed along with all the other passengers. Jessie sat back and closed her mouth, listening to the people around her scream for help, for it to be quick life-taking death, and for the dream to just end! Regret swelled up into her mind as she wished she had not been so stupid! Why did she want to go to the Americas? What was there that was so important? Tears stung at her eyes as they rolled down her cheeks, like the plane rolling into the waters.

She looked out the side of her window, hoping to see the light that would take her soul before death struck. Instead, she saw waves roll up and around the glass, allowing the plane to slip into an eternal darkness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. A thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. In the story, the main character’s experiences on a jet that is doomed to crash are dramatically showcased.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen during the flight to the Americas. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are on the jet with the other passengers. (“Suddenly, like a light bulb turning on, a lightning bolt swam around the clouds, lighting up the whole room with more than just its light. The plane shuddered but continued forth as each bolt of light lingered in the air around them. Jessie stared at the faces around her as the lightning struck continuously. Each face more worried than before, holding yet another wish or regret. Jessie looked at Mandalin, who was whiter than the clouds before this darkness.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the vivid scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences on the doomed jet. (“Without warning, the lights went out and a loud booming sound erupted from the back of the plane. Jessie screamed out in fear as two more of the same sounds screeched into her ears. Tears fell down her eyes as, instead of going up, they fell down. She could feel the urgent tugging upward as they spiraled out of control to the freezing waters.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“Mandalin screamed along with all the other passengers. Jessie sat back and closed her mouth, listening to the people around her scream for help, for it to be quick life-taking death, and for the dream to just end! Regret swelled up into her mind as she wished she had not been so stupid! Why did she want to go to the Americas? What was there that was so important? Tears stung at her eyes as they rolled down her cheeks, like the plane rolling into the waters. She looked out the side of her window, hoping to see the light that would take her soul before death struck. Instead, she saw waves roll up and around the glass, allowing the plane to slip into an eternal darkness.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of the plane crashing into the ocean and the writer’s experiences in facing the end of her life. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a flight attendant charged with taking care of a child flying unattended. (“Half an hour later, the crew came back out, each with a different emotion mapped across his or her face. The girl ran to Jessie, carelessly and clumsily bumping into one passenger after another. ‘Hi Jessie, how are you? Are you hungry? Do you want something? A pillow, maybe?’ The girl ran through her words as she stumbled to sit down. Jessie barely caught any of it because it all sounded like a Jenga tower falling to the ground.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the main character is sitting, looking out the window, annoyed that she is being watched so closely by the stewardess. (“Jessie watched out the thin glass that separated her from the clouds as they flew peacefully across the Atlantic Ocean. Her stewardess stood at the front of the plane violently popping and chewing her gum like a cow. Jessie glanced at her every so often to see if she had moved or, she hoped, was doing something other than watching her. She continued to look out at the sky, watching the clouds drift slowly around the jet, engulfing them in all white heaven.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the trouble the jet encounters during a storm. (“The screams grew louder as the plane took a sudden upward movement. The colored signs flickered out covering the entire cabin in complete darkness. Like an earthquake, all Jessie could feel was the rattling and shaking around as they ascended. Gravity pushed her tightly to her chair, making it hard to move or breathe. She closed her eyes, waiting for their plane to blow up as they moved up and out of their atmosphere. Her mind ran through memories of home, of her mama and papa, memories of Aunt Rosset pushing her in the tire swing on the little oak tree near a cool stream, where the fish swam without fear. She wanted to be a fish right now, so fearless and clueless.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures readers’ attention by providing a descriptive scenario to open the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of the situation the main character is experiencing as the story begins. (“Jessie watched out the thin glass that separated her from the clouds as they flew peacefully across the Atlantic Ocean. Her stewardess stood at the front of the plane violently popping and chewing her gum like a cow. Jessie glanced at her every so often to see if she had moved or, she hoped, was doing something other than watching her. She continued to look out at the sky, watching the clouds drift slowly around the jet, engulfing them in all white heaven.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Soon, Jessie began to notice a slight change in the clouds. A grayish tint grew rapidly, and before long she was engulfed in utter darkness. Fear grew in the pit of her stomach and she reached over to Mandalin's arm, grasping it tightly. All she could see were the letters and pictures that glowed brightly above them. She watched as a picture of a man sitting down suddenly brightened. Several worried murmurs echoed around, all in different languages.”)

The story demonstrates a very dramatic ending, emphasizing the last moments in the main character’s life. (“Mandalin screamed along with all the other passengers. Jessie sat back and closed her mouth, listening to the people around her scream for help, for it to be quick life-taking death, and for the dream to just end! Regret swelled up into her mind as she wished she had not been so stupid! Why did she want to go to the Americas? What was there that was so important? Tears stung at her eyes as they rolled down her cheeks, like the plane rolling into the waters. She looked out the side of her window, hoping to see the light that would take her soul before death struck. Instead, she saw waves roll up and around the glass, allowing the plane to slip into an eternal darkness.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the young girl’s experiences on the jet. (“ Suddenly, a harsh, electrifying voice sounded over the intercom, ‘All flight attendants are needed immediately in the cockpit.’ The stewardess watching her hesitated, glancing at Jessie, then the cockpit. Jessie, seeing the opportunity, motioned with her hands for her to go. The girl glared at her with disgust, as if she were upset that a small child was helping her make a decision. Half an hour later, the crew came back out, each with a different emotion mapped across his or her face. The girl ran to Jessie, carelessly and clumsily bumping into one passenger after another. ‘Hi Jessie, how are you? Are you hungry? Do you want something? A pillow, maybe?’ The girl ran through her words as she stumbled to sit down. Jessie barely caught any of it because it all sounded like a Jenga tower falling to the ground.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ Soon, Jessie began to notice a slight change in the clouds. A grayish tint grew rapidly, and before long she was engulfed in utter darkness. Fear grew in the pit of her stomach and she reached over to Mandalin's arm, grasping it tightly. All she could see were the letters and pictures that glowed brightly above them. She watched as a picture of a man sitting down suddenly brightened. Several worried murmurs echoed around, all in different languages. An Irish man talking to his wife asked, ‘Where did the lights go?’ A small child, barely five, asked, ‘Mama, where are we?’ Her reply was, "In a time lapse from Europe to America, child.’ Jessie moved her hands around the side of the plane, searching for the window. Her hand drifted over the cold glass, and she was able to press her face against it, reminding herself where she was.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the fear experienced by the main and supporting characters as the plane heads into turbulent circumstances. (“‘ We need all the power we can get to move this plane, I guess.’ Mandalin said. Jessie knew she was trying to be as calm as she could, so she said, ‘Don't worry, I bet they come on soon.’ Mandalin shot her a quick glare. The plane shuddered again, only this time more violently than before. People screamed as stewards, stewardesses, and even some of the other passengers, worked hard to create a calm atmosphere. The oxygen masks dropped down towards the passengers’ heads. Quickly, people greedily grabbed at them, shoving them to their faces. Riddled with worry, they cried and screamed out.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Suddenly, like a light bulb turning on, a lightning bolt swam around the clouds, lighting up the whole room with more than just its light. The plane shuddered but continued forth as each bolt of light lingered in the air around them. Jessie stared at the faces around her as the lightning struck continuously. Each face more worried than before, holding yet another wish or regret.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Just like a butterfly, a giant butterfly she thought. She smiled as she imagined the beautiful butterflies from home. She would watch them from her window for hours as they flitted around the flowering passion fruit ripening outside. They gathered around the exotic light green and royal purple flowers with bright yellow pollen every sunny afternoon. The stirring breeze danced with their wings, flurries of butterflies everywhere. Her eyes would be caught in the warm, rich, orange haze of soft delicate wings in air. Now all she could see outside her window were white clouds of cotton, passively coasting high above everything she knew. But I'm not a butterfly and there are no flowers here.

Initially the flying was so new and exciting, exhilarating even, enough to help her forget the queasiness of take-off, but as she became engrossed in her thoughts, her mind settled on something unsettling. Now her stomach filled with a different kind of discomfort. She frowned, and then looked around. Maybe something, or someone, could distract her. She sat next to the window all by herself and the nearest passengers were asleep or reading. I don't want to bother them; that would be rude. The clouds weren't very good company either. She looked away from the window, again slumped in her seat, and sighed.

The thought of saying it seemed strange enough. In the back of her head, she said it quietly, to see if maybe it wouldn't sound so peculiar. Maybe I need to practice. That thought seemed even stranger, but she gave it a try. Her chest and stomach clenched with earnest. She decided she would never be prepared and just let the word tumble out. "Daddy?" the word was confusing and it came out with a little flop, similar to the one her stomach just made. It still sounds all wrong. It all felt so wrong. Will he like me? Will I like him? Does it even matter? Mom wants me to go because she thinks it'll be good for me, or at least he convinced her, that it would be. I don't know him anyway so why does he want to know me? He was the one who decided to leave. She shook her head wearily and curled up into her seat.

The rest of the flight trudged by until it came time for landing and she was jarred back into the panic she felt when she first left home. It suddenly felt really hard to remember how to breathe. The air flight attendant smiled at her as she exited the plane, slowly paddling her way to the terminal where her father would be waiting. She used to dream of this day, but she had let go of these kinds of dreams long ago. Would she be happy, angry or would she feel something completely different? She looked around in desperate hope. Maybe he won't even show up and they will have no choice but to send me back home to Momma. What was so clear just a moment ago became a haze as the terminal seemed to melt away and the picture of her father approaching her came into clear view.

She remembered the picture her mother had showed her so long ago. "You have his chin and hair." her mother had said quietly to her. "Don't worry, you look more like me sweet pea." she said after seeing the unhappy grimace on her daughter's face. I have to be a big girl now she sighed, and closed her eyes. She opened them to see a person very close to her. He looked just the same, just a little more tired and a bit unshaven, but he looked just like the picture.

"Daddy." she said. A little relief collapsed in on her as she realized it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. A flurry of mixed emotions attacked her chest as he nodded his head and rushed to embrace her. It still didn't feel right. He rubbed her cheek affectionately with a smile in his eyes. "I want to make it all up to you, sweet pea. Please let me do that for you?" he said with sincerity.

She nodded; he smiled even wider, seeing it as a hopeful sign for their future. She looked down as a tear smothered her eye because she understood the true substance behind the promises of adults.

When she finally returned home, she never saw him again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the girl’s feelings as she awaits the landing of the jet and the eventual meeting with her father. (“She sat next to the window all by herself and the nearest passengers were asleep or reading. I don't want to bother them; that would be rude. The clouds weren't very good company either. She looked away from the window, again slumped in her seat, and sighed. The thought of saying it seemed strange enough. In the back of her head, she said it quietly, to see if maybe it wouldn't sound so peculiar. Maybe I need to practice. That thought seemed even stranger, but she gave it a try. Her chest and stomach clenched with earnest. She decided she would never be prepared and just let the word tumble out. ‘Daddy?’ the word was confusing and it came out with a little flop, similar to the one her stomach just made. It still sounds all wrong. It all felt so wrong. Will he like me? Will I like him? Does it even matter? Mom wants me to go because she thinks it'll be good for me, or at least he convinced her, that it would be. I don't know him anyway so why does he want to know me? He was the one who decided to leave. She shook her head wearily and curled up into her seat.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“The rest of the flight trudged by until it came time for landing and she was jarred back into the panic she felt when she first left home. It suddenly felt really hard to remember how to breathe. The air flight attendant smiled at her as she exited the plane, slowly paddling her way to the terminal where her father would be waiting. She used to dream of this day, but she had let go of these kinds of dreams long ago. Would she be happy, angry or would she feel something completely different? She looked around in desperate hope. Maybe he won't even show up and they will have no choice but to send me back home to Momma. What was so clear just a moment ago became a haze as the terminal seemed to melt away and the picture of her father approaching her came into clear view.”)

The writer’s details focus on the main event. The writer provides vivid descriptions to illustrate the feelings of anticipation and despair the main character experiences throughout the story. (“‘Daddy.’ she said. A little relief collapsed in on her as she realized it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. A flurry of mixed emotions attacked her chest as he nodded his head and rushed to embrace her. It still didn't feel right. He rubbed her cheek affectionately with a smile in his eyes. ‘I want to make it all up to you, sweet pea. Please let me do that for you?’ he said with sincerity. She nodded; he smiled even wider, seeing it as a hopeful sign for their future. She looked down as a tear smothered her eye because she understood the true substance behind the promises of adults.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a developed plot and setting. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Details are effectively used to develop the main events of the story. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she awaits a meeting with her absentee father. (“It suddenly felt really hard to remember how to breathe. The air flight attendant smiled at her as she exited the plane, slowly paddling her way to the terminal where her father would be waiting. She used to dream of this day, but she had let go of these kinds of dreams long ago. Would she be happy, angry or would she feel something completely different? She looked around in desperate hope. Maybe he won't even show up and they will have no choice but to send me back home to Momma. What was so clear just a moment ago became a haze as the terminal seemed to melt away and the picture of her father approaching her came into clear view.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“Now all she could see outside her window were white clouds of cotton, passively coasting high above everything she knew. But I'm not a butterfly and there are no flowers here. Initially the flying was so new and exciting, exhilarating even, enough to help her forget the queasiness of take-off, but as she became engrossed in her thoughts, her mind settled on something unsettling. Now her stomach filled with a different kind of discomfort. She frowned, and then looked around. Maybe something, or someone, could distract her. She sat next to the window all by herself and the nearest passengers were asleep or reading. I don't want to bother them; that would be rude. The clouds weren't very good company either. She looked away from the window, again slumped in her seat, and sighed.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“The thought of saying it seemed strange enough. In the back of her head, she said it quietly, to see if maybe it wouldn't sound so peculiar. Maybe I need to practice. That thought seemed even stranger, but she gave it a try. Her chest and stomach clenched with earnest. She decided she would never be prepared and just let the word tumble out. ‘Daddy?’ the word was confusing and it came out with a little flop, similar to the one her stomach just made. It still sounds all wrong. It all felt so wrong. Will he like me? Will I like him? Does it even matter? Mom wants me to go because she thinks it'll be good for me, or at least he convinced her, that it would be. I don't know him anyway so why does he want to know me? He was the one who decided to leave.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the story. The opening of the story entices readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Just like a butterfly, a giant butterfly she thought. She smiled as she imagined the beautiful butterflies from home. She would watch them from her window for hours as they flitted around the flowering passion fruit ripening outside. They gathered around the exotic light green and royal purple flowers with bright yellow pollen every sunny afternoon. The stirring breeze danced with their wings, flurries of butterflies everywhere. Her eyes would be caught in the warm, rich, orange haze of soft delicate wings in air. Now all she could see outside her window were white clouds of cotton, passively coasting high above everything she knew.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“‘ Daddy.’ she said. A little relief collapsed in on her as she realized it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. A flurry of mixed emotions attacked her chest as he nodded his head and rushed to embrace her. It still didn't feel right. He rubbed her cheek affectionately with a smile in his eyes. ‘I want to make it all up to you, sweet pea. Please let me do that for you?’ he said with sincerity.”)

The story includes a brief but effective ending. (“ She nodded; he smiled even wider, seeing it as a hopeful sign for their future. She looked down as a tear smothered her eye because she understood the true substance behind the promises of adults. When she finally returned home, she never saw him again.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ The rest of the flight trudged by until it came time for landing and she was jarred back into the panic she felt when she first left home. It suddenly felt really hard to remember how to breathe. The air flight attendant smiled at her as she exited the plane, slowly paddling her way to the terminal where her father would be waiting. She used to dream of this day, but she had let go of these kinds of dreams long ago.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ The thought of saying it seemed strange enough. In the back of her head, she said it quietly, to see if maybe it wouldn't sound so peculiar. Maybe I need to practice. That thought seemed even stranger, but she gave it a try. Her chest and stomach clenched with earnest. She decided she would never be prepared and just let the word tumble out. ‘Daddy?’ the word was confusing and it came out with a little flop, similar to the one her stomach just made. It still sounds all wrong. It all felt so wrong. Will he like me? Will I like him? Does it even matter?”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the anticipation and fear the main character feels as she flies to meet her father for the first time in a long while. (“ Her eyes would be caught in the warm, rich, orange haze of soft delicate wings in air. Now all she could see outside her window were white clouds of cotton, passively coasting high above everything she knew. But I'm not a butterfly and there are no flowers here. Initially the flying was so new and exciting, exhilarating even, enough to help her forget the queasiness of take-off, but as she became engrossed in her thoughts, her mind settled on something unsettling. Now her stomach filled with a different kind of discomfort. She frowned, and then looked around. Maybe something, or someone, could distract her. She sat next to the window all by herself and the nearest passengers were asleep or reading. I don't want to bother them; that would be rude. The clouds weren't very good company either. She looked away from the window, again slumped in her seat, and sighed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ She remembered the picture her mother had showed her so long ago. ‘You have his chin and hair.’her mother had said quietly to her. ‘Don't worry, you look more like me sweet pea.’ she said after seeing the unhappy grimace on her daughter's face. I have to be a big girl now she sighed, and closed her eyes. She opened them to see a person very close to her. He looked just the same, just a little more tired and a bit unshaven, but he looked just like the picture.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The Flight

Amanda loved the cheer of the crowd. They didn't even cheer for her, yet she enjoyed its cadence. The crowd was so large that she couldn't even see all the people. She knew that through the cameras the people of the USA cheered, because their President had just won the bronze medal in the Olympics. My daddy is the best President there ever was, she thought, then the world exploded...

"Get your seat belt on!" Amanda groggily heard as she was jarred awake by a copilot. Why did you have to wake me from the wonderful dreams I was having? She wondered to herself as she buckled up. The plane made a sharp turn to the right throwing Amanda's face against the window. What is that idiot of a pilot doing? The vehement thought came to her mind.

"Amanda!" yelled her dad as he came in from the little office in Air Force One. "We are being chased. There are bad guys out there trying to kill us!" He said in that little kid voice just for me.

Whoosh. One of the fighters escorting Air Force One flew past the window. "Dad, look, he is so close to the plane I can see his face..." Boom! The explosion cut her of in mid sentence.

"Come now, Amanda. We need to get off this plane." Scooping me up, we started walking up to the cockpit. As we past my stuff, I grabbed Teddy. We got to the pilot and found him wrestling with the controls to keep us in the air and safe. "We got to get," boom, "you guys," bang, "out of here." The pilot managed to get out as the guns banged out side. Ka-plooie... Screech! "We were just clipped on the starboard wing! You are going to have to jump!" Grrrrr came the sound as we were grazed on the side of the main body of the plane. Whoosh, the plane shuddered as the cabin depressurized. "I'm losing altitude! Go get those parachutes!"

As we neared the rear door to the plane, we heard it. Or maybe it was what we didn't hear. Silence. That is what we heard. On the intercom the pilot warned, "All our escorts are gone but the enemy left. I think it is because the plane is crippled and they don't expect us to live long. Get to those parachutes!"

My dad strapped the parachute to my back then one on his. As we came to the next hallway to get to the door, there was a huge chunk missing from the wall, along with the missile that hit it sitting in one of the chairs. A display on the bomb showed 0:30. 0:29. 0:28. "So, that's why they left!" my dad said, as he grabbed me and jumped.

He jumped. He actually jumped; those were the last thoughts I had before I blacked out.

The rest of the story I've just heard from others. There was a gigantic explosion as the plane, the famous Air Force One, blew up! Then my dad, President Smith, kept us afloat till a fishing trawler picked us up. I woke up in a hospital in my Mom's arms. Everything will be all right with Mother here. I thought.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative and reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Relevant descriptions and details are provided.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Amanda loved the cheer of the crowd. They didn't even cheer for her, yet she enjoyed its cadence. The crowd was so large that she couldn't even see all the people. She knew that through the cameras the people of the USA cheered, because their President had just won the bronze medal in the Olympics. My daddy is the best President there ever was, she thought, then the world exploded...’Get your seat belt on!’ Amanda groggily heard as she was jarred awake by a copilot. Why did you have to wake me from the wonderful dreams I was having? She wondered to herself as she buckled up. The plane made a sharp turn to the right throwing Amanda's face against the window. What is that idiot of a pilot doing? The vehement thought came to her mind. ‘Amanda!" yelled her dad as he came in from the little office in Air Force One. ‘We are being chased. There are bad guys out there trying to kill us!’”)

The writer focuses on the main event throughout the narrative. (“Whoosh, the plane shuddered as the cabin depressurized. ‘I'm losing altitude! Go get those parachutes!’ As we neared the rear door to the plane, we heard it. Or maybe it was what we didn't hear. Silence. That is what we heard. On the intercom the pilot warned, ‘All our escorts are gone but the enemy left. I think it is because the plane is crippled and they don't expect us to live long. Get to those parachutes!’ My dad strapped the parachute to my back then one on his. As we came to the next hallway to get to the door, there was a huge chunk missing from the wall, along with the missile that hit it sitting in one of the chairs.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“My dad strapped the parachute to my back then one on his. As we came to the next hallway to get to the door, there was a huge chunk missing from the wall, along with the missile that hit it sitting in one of the chairs. A display on the bomb showed 0:30. 0:29. 0:28. ‘So, that's why they left!’ my dad said, as he grabbed me and jumped. He jumped. He actually jumped; those were the last thoughts I had before I blacked out. The rest of the story I've just heard from others. There was a gigantic explosion as the plane, the famous Air Force One, blew up!”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer creates suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘Amanda!’ yelled her dad as he came in from the little office in Air Force One. ‘We are being chased. There are bad guys out there trying to kill us!’ He said in that little kid voice just for me. Whoosh. One of the fighters escorting Air Force One flew past the window. ‘Dad, look, he is so close to the plane I can see his face...’ Boom! The explosion cut her of in mid sentence.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“My dad strapped the parachute to my back then one on his. As we came to the next hallway to get to the door, there was a huge chunk missing from the wall, along with the missile that hit it sitting in one of the chairs. A display on the bomb showed 0:30. 0:29. 0:28. ‘So, that's why they left!’ my dad said, as he grabbed me and jumped. He jumped. He actually jumped; those were the last thoughts I had before I blacked out.”)

The writer provides a conflict in the story when the jet is attacked by enemies. (“‘Come now, Amanda. We need to get off this plane.’ Scooping me up, we started walking up to the cockpit. As we past my stuff, I grabbed Teddy. We got to the pilot and found him wrestling with the controls to keep us in the air and safe. ‘We got to get,’ boom, ‘you guys,’ bang, ‘out of here.’ The pilot managed to get out as the guns banged out side. Ka-plooie... Screech! ‘We were just clipped on the starboard wing! You are going to have to jump!’ Grrrrr came the sound as we were grazed on the side of the main body of the plane. Whoosh, the plane shuddered as the cabin depressurized. ‘I'm losing altitude! Go get those parachutes!’”)

Organization

The writer adequately grabs readers’ attention with a surprising scene to open the story. (“ Amanda loved the cheer of the crowd. They didn't even cheer for her, yet she enjoyed its cadence. The crowd was so large that she couldn't even see all the people. She knew that through the cameras the people of the USA cheered, because their President had just won the bronze medal in the Olympics. My daddy is the best President there ever was, she thought, then the world exploded... ‘Get your seat belt on!’ Amanda groggily heard as she was jarred awake by a copilot. Why did you have to wake me from the wonderful dreams I was having? She wondered to herself as she buckled up. The plane made a sharp turn to the right throwing Amanda's face against the window. What is that idiot of a pilot doing?”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can better carry the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Whoosh. One of the fighters escorting Air Force One flew past the window. ‘Dad, look, he is so close to the plane I can see his face...’ Boom! The explosion cut her of in mid sentence.”)

The story reveals a brief but adequate conclusion that gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ The rest of the story I've just heard from others. There was a gigantic explosion as the plane, the famous Air Force One, blew up! Then my dad, President Smith, kept us afloat till a fishing trawler picked us up. I woke up in a hospital in my Mom's arms. Everything will be all right with Mother here. I thought.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“‘ Come now, Amanda. We need to get off this plane.’ Scooping me up, we started walking up to the cockpit. As we past my stuff, I grabbed Teddy. We got to the pilot and found him wrestling with the controls to keep us in the air and safe.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the main character’s experience on a jet. (“ As we neared the rear door to the plane, we heard it. Or maybe it was what we didn't hear. Silence. That is what we heard. On the intercom the pilot warned, ‘All our escorts are gone but the enemy left. I think it is because the plane is crippled and they don't expect us to live long. Get to those parachutes!’ My dad strapped the parachute to my back then one on his. As we came to the next hallway to get to the door, there was a huge chunk missing from the wall, along with the missile that hit it sitting in one of the chairs.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ The pilot managed to get out as the guns banged out side. Ka-plooie... Screech! ‘We were just clipped on the starboard wing! You are going to have to jump!’ Grrrrr came the sound as we were grazed on the side of the main body of the plane. Whoosh, the plane shuddered as the cabin depressurized.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ Whoosh. One of the fighters escorting Air Force One flew past the window. "Dad, look, he is so close to the plane I can see his face..." Boom! The explosion cut her of in mid sentence.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

It's around Christmas time and Cathy's parents are unsure of what they Can do for Cathy for Christmas because, they both have to work and Their always busy, both her parents are lawyers so they don't really get to Spend much time with their daughter. So since they both have to work During the holiday their going to send her to her Aunt's house, her parents

Think this will give there daughter a great opportunity to know what its Like to spend time with family during the holidays. So she gets on the Plane the teddy bear that her parents gave her was for comfort so she didn't feel alone. It was an early Christmas present. She finally arrives to the Airport and her Aunt and cousins where so welcoming they made her feel like she was part of the family. This of course made her feel a lot better.

She arrives to her Aunt's house her Aunts name is Sally she is 38 years Old then theirs her cousins Brian is 18 years Brandon is 15 years old, Cody is 11 years he's around Cathys age she is 12 years old so that's about perfect. Then there is little Samantha she is 4 years old. Once she arrives to her Aunt's house "she couldn't believe how beautiful the house was" the house was extremely big with about nine rooms and five bathrooms with a few archers.

Some of the things she does while she's there is she makes a snowman. She made an igloo with her cousins. She helped put decorations On the tree, she made Christmas Cookies. When so woke up Christmas morning she enjoyed the presents, but the most things she really enjoyed was the time she got to spend with her family.

Now it's time for her to go home in a way she wants' to go home and in another way she doesn't. She goes to the Airport and gets boarded on the plan. She gets off the plan, she was so excited to see her parents and tell them how much fun she had, but during the car ride she ended up falling asleep.

Finally she arrives home and her parents wake her up. Once they get inside the house she told her parents about her Aunt Sally and her cousins. She tells her parents how much fun it was spending time with family, it gave them an idea to her parents how it is very important to spend time with their daughter on a special day like that. So they decided that they would take more time off of work to spend every holiday with their daughter.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer’s focus and meaning is limited in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Limited descriptions and details may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Only some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“So since they both have to work During the holiday their going to send her to her Aunt's house, her parents Think this will give there daughter a great opportunity to know what its Like to spend time with family during the holidays. So she gets on the Plane the teddy bear that her parents gave her was for comfort so she didn't feel alone. It was an early Christmas present. She finally arrives to the Airport and her Aunt and cousins where so welcoming they made her feel like she was part of the family. This of course made her feel a lot better.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the actual experience in the jet and instead develops the story in the direction of what happens after the main event. (“Some of the things she does while she's there is she makes a snowman. She made an igloo with her cousins. She helped put decorations On the tree, she made Christmas Cookies. When so woke up Christmas morning she enjoyed the presents, but the most things she really enjoyed was the time she got to spend with her family.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Now it's time for her to go home in a way she wants' to go home and in another way she doesn't. She goes to the Airport and gets boarded on the plan. She gets off the plan, she was so excited to see her parents and tell them how much fun she had, but during the car ride she ended up falling asleep.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters and includes only limited details. The writer focuses most of the content on what happens after the jet lands. Additionally, the writer implements only a limited use of paraphrasing and dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“It's around Christmas time and Cathy's parents are unsure of what they Can do for Cathy for Christmas because, they both have to work and Their always busy, both her parents are lawyers so they don't really get to Spend much time with their daughter. So since they both have to work During the holiday their going to send her to her Aunt's house, her parents Think this will give there daughter a great opportunity to know what its Like to spend time with family during the holidays. So she gets on the Plane the teddy bear that her parents gave her was for comfort so she didn't feel alone. It was an early Christmas present. She finally arrives to the Airport and her Aunt and cousins where so welcoming they made her feel like she was part of the family. This of course made her feel a lot better.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces supporting characters in the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“She arrives to her Aunt's house her Aunts name is Sally she is 38 years Old then theirs her cousins Brian is 18 years Brandon is 15 years old, Cody is 11 years he's around Cathys age she is 12 years old so that's about perfect. Then there is little Samantha she is 4 years old.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Once she arrives to her Aunt's house ‘she couldn't believe how beautiful the house was’ the house was extremely big with about nine rooms and five bathrooms with a few archers.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer provides readers with a limited sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates an initial scenario of a busy family who sends their daughter away for the holidays. (“ It's around Christmas time and Cathy's parents are unsure of what they Can do for Cathy for Christmas because, they both have to work and Their always busy, both her parents are lawyers so they don't really get to Spend much time with their daughter. So since they both have to work During the holiday their going to send her to her Aunt's house, her parents Think this will give there daughter a great opportunity to know what its Like to spend time with family during the holidays.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ Some of the things she does while she's there is she makes a snowman. She made an igloo with her cousins. She helped put decorations On the tree, she made Christmas Cookies. When so woke up Christmas morning she enjoyed the presents, but the most things she really enjoyed was the time she got to spend with her family.”)

The writer provides an ending that gives readers a limited sense of closure. (“ Finally she arrives home and her parents wake her up. Once they get inside the house she told her parents about her Aunt Sally and her cousins. She tells her parents how much fun it was spending time with family, it gave them an idea to her parents how it is very important to spend time with their daughter on a special day like that. So they decided that they would take more time off of work to spend every holiday with their daughter.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style. The story reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the narrative. (“ She arrives to her Aunt's house her Aunts name is Sally she is 38 years Old then theirs her cousins Brian is 18 years Brandon is 15 years old, Cody is 11 years he's around Cathys age she is 12 years old so that's about perfect. Then there is little Samantha she is 4 years old. Once she arrives to her Aunt's house ‘she couldn't believe how beautiful the house was’ the house was extremely big with about nine rooms and five bathrooms with a few archers.”)

There is limited style and voice demonstrated in the narrative. (“ Now it's time for her to go home in a way she wants' to go home and in another way she doesn't. She goes to the Airport and gets boarded on the plan. She gets off the plan, she was so excited to see her parents and tell them how much fun she had, but during the car ride she ended up falling asleep.”)

The sentences contain simple ideas and basic word choices. Combined, they do not effectively communicate an engaging story to the intended audience. (“ Some of the things she does while she's there is she makes a snowman. She made an igloo with her cousins. She helped put decorations On the tree, she made Christmas Cookies. When so woke up Christmas morning she enjoyed the presents, but the most things she really enjoyed was the time she got to spend with her family.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“She arrives to her Aunt's house her Aunts name is Sally she is 38 years Old then theirs her cousins Brian is 18 years Brandon is 15 years old, Cody is 11 years he's around Cathys age she is 12 years old so that's about perfect.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

In the picture I see a girl looking out the window. She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows. It also look like she's enjoying the ride while sitting beside her teddy bear. Even though she may be scared she is looking out the window to see what she can see. While on the ride she 's looking like it don't bother her to be that high in the sky. If i was in the picture I would be scared because I am afraid of heights. It is really scary to be that far off the ground. Then look down to see how far you are up in the sky.

The girl seem like it's fun flying in a jet. Because while on the ride she smiling. She look like she got confidence in her self while flying. Because she have her bear right with her. So she has no fear, to be scared. While or she could be flying back home, cause she is happy while looking out the window. Because most people on a jet unlike her don't smile while flying. They be thinking about there life and is they going to make it home or wherever the place they are flying to.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. (“In the picture I see a girl looking out the window. She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the girl’s experience as she looks out the jet window. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The girl seem like it's fun flying in a jet. Because while on the ride she smiling. She look like she got confidence in her self while flying. Because she have her bear right with her. So she has no fear, to be scared. While or she could be flying back home, cause she is happy while looking out the window.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows. It also look like she's enjoying the ride while sitting beside her teddy bear. Even though she may be scared she is looking out the window to see what she can see. While on the ride she 's looking like it don't bother her to be that high in the sky. If i was in the picture I would be scared because I am afraid of heights.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the possibilities of what the girl may be seeing or thinking as she peers out the jet window, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“While on the ride she 's looking like it don't bother her to be that high in the sky. If i was in the picture I would be scared because I am afraid of heights. It is really scary to be that far off the ground. Then look down to see how far you are up in the sky.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe characters in any way. (“She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows. It also look like she's enjoying the ride while sitting beside her teddy bear. Even though she may be scared she is looking out the window to see what she can see. While on the ride she 's looking like it don't bother her to be that high in the sky. If i was in the picture I would be scared because I am afraid of heights.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not implemented. (“They be thinking about there life and is they going to make it home or wherever the place they are flying to.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the literal approach to the task leaves the story without a plot that would engage readers or entice them to continue reading. (“ In the picture I see a girl looking out the window. She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows. It also look like she's enjoying the ride while sitting beside her teddy bear. Even though she may be scared she is looking out the window to see what she can see.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ The girl seem like it's fun flying in a jet. Because while on the ride she smiling. She look like she got confidence in her self while flying. Because she have her bear right with her. So she has no fear, to be scared.”) By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence.

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Because most people on a jet unlike her don't smile while flying. They be thinking about there life and is they going to make it home or wherever the place they are flying to.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ She probably flying to her aunt or someone house she knows. It also look like she's enjoying the ride while sitting beside her teddy bear.”)

Some sentences are too short. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ The girl seem like it's fun flying in a jet. Because while on the ride she smiling. She look like she got confidence in her self while flying. Because she have her bear right with her.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ They be thinking about there life and is they going to make it home or wherever the place they are flying to.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphs with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“The girl seem like it's fun flying in a jet. Because while on the ride she smiling. She look like she got confidence in her self while flying.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There I was riding the jet and the fun apart was that i was sitting in a window sit. As I zoomed over the land I seen some places that I have never though of seeing such as mountains and valleys I was heading to Oregon with my uncle and some of his friends. When it got dark and I looked down you could just see the light of a car going and coming down the swerving turns. The great lights of the big cities of San Francisco and San Angles, also Portland when we arrived. There was just to much excellent where I was sitting on the jet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are evident in the narrative. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ There I was riding the jet and the fun apart was that i was sitting in a window sit.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“When it got dark and I looked down you could just see the light of a car going and coming down the swerving turns. The great lights of the big cities of San Francisco and San Angles, also Portland when we arrived.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“There was just to much excellent where I was sitting on the jet.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ There I was riding the jet and the fun apart was that i was sitting in a window sit.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“As I zoomed over the land I seen some places that I have never though of seeing such as mountains and valleys I was heading to Oregon with my uncle and some of his friends.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say out loud. (“There was just to much excellent where I was sitting on the jet.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The narrative does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a story about a girl staring out the jet window. (“ There I was riding the jet and the fun apart was that i was sitting in a window sit.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ As I zoomed over the land I seen some places that I have never though of seeing such as mountains and valleys I was heading to Oregon with my uncle and some of his friends. When it got dark and I looked down you could just see the light of a car going and coming down the swerving turns.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ There was just to much excellent where I was sitting on the jet.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ There I was riding the jet and the fun apart was that i was sitting in a window sit. As I zoomed over the land I seen some places that I have never though of seeing such as mountains and valleys I was heading to Oregon with my uncle and some of his friends.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ There was just to much excellent where I was sitting on the jet.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“When it got dark and I looked down you could just see the light of a car going and coming down the swerving turns. The great lights of the big cities of San Francisco and San Angles, also Portland when we arrived.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Jumping to Conclusions

There were many times in history when people jumped to conclusions because they were afraid. Unfortunately, there are still times today when we prejudge based on fear or peer pressure.

In a multi-paragraph essay, discuss a time when you jumped to conclusions too quickly and made a bad decision because you were scared or felt pressured. Make sure to include specific details and examples to support your explanation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"See you later Hannah!" my mom exclaimed as she shut the door behind her; she was off to a long evening of meetings. Meanwhile my dad hopped in the truck and drove off to the farm to start the night's chores along with my dog Sonny running alongside. I was totally and completely alone; I had the house all to myself. I could have the TV volume as loud as I wanted, eat ice cream out the carton on the couch, bounce my basketball in the kitchen, and no one would ever know. It is the true definition of relaxation. However, on this particular April evening, I wish that I wasn't home alone.

Simply put, it was a typical school night. My homework was scattered about on the table in the living room, SportsCenter was playing on the TV, and the microwave was humming with leftover casserole. A few cars cruised down the gravel road in a cloud of dust. Spring had finally rolled in and silenced the gloomy and dark days of winter. The trees, grass, and plants all got their vibrant colors back and gave off a fresh scent of new growth. The birds chirped and whistled creating a chorus of songs. The cows chewed grass peacefully in the pasture. Little did I know that all these pleasant and happy things would soon take a turn for the worst.

The sun had just started to set behind the trees. I sat staring blankly at my math homework and pounding the keys on my calculator, when I glanced out the large picture window in the room, which I often do when I'm concentrating or thinking about something. I was about to look down again to finish the problem when something peculiar caught the corner of my eye. I eagerly put my pencil down and got up to the window to investigate. The figure was still fairly far away, but as it got closer, I was able to tell that this ominous figure was a man. I live rather far out in the country with no close by neighbors other than my uncle and grandpa, so I thought it was very bizarre to see someone out for a leisurely stroll in this dust-infested area. As he approached, there was something dark and sinister about how he was walking; it was almost threatening. When he got closer yet, I was able to make out his physical appearance. He was quite tall, possibly 6’4, and had a solid frame as well, weighing well over two hundred pounds. He wore navy blue overalls that were torn and tattered on the bottoms, and had dark, messy hair. He seemed to be carrying a walking stick of some sort. But as he got even closer yet, I realized that was not a walking stick at all, but a gun. I also noticed that his coveralls had red stains all over them; it was quite obviously blood.

He was right in front of my house now; my driveway was right on his left. I thought to myself, "If he turns in here..." He stopped walking. My heart started to beat a little faster now. After a few seconds, he turned his body so he was directly facing my house. Instantly, I ducked down below the window and prayed that he didn't see me. Then I slowly peeked my eyes just about the window ledge. Just as I did that, he began to walk down my driveway, coming right at my house. I was frozen in my place. I stopped breathing, my heart raced, and my stomach felt like it was in my throat. My mind ran a mile a minute; I desperately wished my parents were home, because I had no idea what to do. What did he want? What was he looking for? Should I hide, run, call someone, or confront him? I scampered frantically around my house turning all of the lights off and flung open the closet door to grab my softball bat. I went back to my post by the window and saw him still approaching. I grabbed the phone and dialed my aunt and uncle's number who live right down the road. I pressed the phone to my ear; my hands got sweatier with each unanswered ring. Their answering machine picked up, and a few choice words slipped out of my mouth. He didn't come to the door, but stood on the cement outside of the garage. Then he peered into the garage for a few seconds, walked over the side window, cupped his hands around his eyes and spied into that as well. After the longest five minutes of my life, he stopped snooping and started back towards the road again.

I released my death grip from the softball bat, turned some lights back on, and basically collapsed into a puddle on the floor. I threw some shoes on and sprinted the short ways to the farm where my dad was. I spilled out the entire incident trying to stay calm enough to be somewhat understood. My dad, the levelheaded person he is, tried to find a logical explanation for what happened. He called all the two people that live on the road and asked them if the man came to their house as well, and while doing this cracked the case of the mysterious bloodstained gun possessing man. Apparently, according to one of the residents, the man was a farmer, and was walking the area searching for a black dog that killed half of his chickens, which would explain the BB gun, the chicken blood, and the angry way he walked. I was still beside myself on why he couldn't have come to the door and asked if a black dog lived around here like a normal person, instead of inspecting our whole yard.

Needless to say, this experience will always stick out in my mind as the most adrenaline I have ever had surge through my body at once. I was ecstatic to have both of my parents in the house later that night. I jumped to conclusions by thinking a man carrying a gun and wearing blood-covered clothing was out to harm me and not to look for a trouble-making dog. But most importantly, I learned that sometimes, it's nice to not be home alone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer establishes and maintains an insightful central idea and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. He/she completes all parts of the task using descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and may go beyond the limits of the task.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen when the conclusions he/she jumped to concerning the stranger are explained. The readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel as though they are with the narrator as he/she hides in fear from the stranger. (“He was right in front of my house now; my driveway was right on his left. I thought to myself, ‘If he turns in here...’ He stopped walking. My heart started to beat a little faster now. After a few seconds, he turned his body so he was directly facing my house. Instantly, I ducked down below the window and prayed that he didn't see me. Then I slowly peeked my eyes just about the window ledge. Just as I did that, he began to walk down my driveway, coming right at my house. I was frozen in my place. I stopped breathing, my heart raced, and my stomach felt like it was in my throat.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. The readers are pulled into the vivid scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the writer’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the subsequent experiences when he/she jumped to a conclusion. (“I threw some shoes on and sprinted the short ways to the farm where my dad was. I spilled out the entire incident trying to stay calm enough to be somewhat understood. My dad, the levelheaded person he is, tried to find a logical explanation for what happened. He called all the two people that live on the road and asked them if the man came to their house as well, and while doing this cracked the case of the mysterious bloodstained gun possessing man. Apparently, according to one of the residents, the man was a farmer, and was walking the area searching for a black dog that killed half of his chickens, which would explain the BB gun, the chicken blood, and the angry way he walked.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate his/her experience. (“I was still beside myself on why he couldn't have come to the door and asked if a black dog lived around here like a normal person, instead of inspecting our whole yard. Needless to say, this experience will always stick out in my mind as the most adrenaline I have ever had surge through my body at once. I was ecstatic to have both of my parents in the house later that night. I jumped to conclusions by thinking a man carrying a gun and wearing blood-covered clothing was out to harm me and not to look for a trouble-making dog.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with secondary characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes tension, conflict, or a problem and builds up to the revelation of who the stranger really was and the lessons learned from the experience. In doing so, the writer heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a mysterious stranger and describes this character in great detail. (“The figure was still fairly far away, but as it got closer, I was able to tell that this ominous figure was a man. I live rather far out in the country with no close by neighbors other than my uncle and grandpa, so I thought it was very bizarre to see someone out for a leisurely stroll in this dust-infested area. As he approached, there was something dark and sinister about how he was walking; it was almost threatening. When he got closer yet, I was able to make out his physical appearance. He was quite tall, possibly 6’4, and had a solid frame as well, weighing well over two hundred pounds. He wore navy blue overalls that were torn and tattered on the bottoms, and had dark, messy hair. He seemed to be carrying a walking stick of some sort. But as he got even closer yet, I realized that was not a walking stick at all, but a gun. I also noticed that his coveralls had red stains all over them; it was quite obviously blood.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the writer is enjoying the day at home alone, relaxing and doing a little homework. (“Simply put, it was a typical school night. My homework was scattered about on the table in the living room, SportsCenter was playing on the TV, and the microwave was humming with leftover casserole. A few cars cruised down the gravel road in a cloud of dust. Spring had finally rolled in and silenced the gloomy and dark days of winter. The trees, grass, and plants all got their vibrant colors back and gave off a fresh scent of new growth. The birds chirped and whistled creating a chorus of songs. The cows chewed grass peacefully in the pasture. Little did I know that all these pleasant and happy things would soon take a turn for the worst.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides very descriptive details about the stranger, the conclusions he/she jumped to about the stranger, and the fear the writer felt because the stranger was so frightening to him/her. (“What did he want? What was he looking for? Should I hide, run, call someone, or confront him? I scampered frantically around my house turning all of the lights off and flung open the closet door to grab my softball bat. I went back to my post by the window and saw him still approaching. I grabbed the phone and dialed my aunt and uncle's number who live right down the road. I pressed the phone to my ear; my hands got sweatier with each unanswered ring. Their answering machine picked up, and a few choice words slipped out of my mouth. He didn't come to the door, but stood on the cement outside of the garage. Then he peered into the garage for a few seconds, walked over the side window, cupped his hands around his eyes and spied into that as well. After the longest five minutes of my life, he stopped snooping and started back towards the road again. I released my death grip from the softball bat, turned some lights back on, and basically collapsed into a puddle on the floor.”)

Organization

The organization throughout the story is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing an engaging opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a typical day when a teenager is left to enjoy a day at home all alone. The introduction quickly indicates that it will not turn out to be such a good thing to be left home alone, thus enticing the readers to continue reading. (“'See you later Hannah!’ my mom exclaimed as she shut the door behind her; she was off to a long evening of meetings. Meanwhile my dad hopped in the truck and drove off to the farm to start the night's chores along with my dog Sonny running alongside. I was totally and completely alone; I had the house all to myself. I could have the TV volume as loud as I wanted, eat ice cream out the carton on the couch, bounce my basketball in the kitchen, and no one would ever know. It is the true definition of relaxation. However, on this particular April evening, I wish that I wasn't home alone.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“The sun had just started to set behind the trees. I sat staring blankly at my math homework and pounding the keys on my calculator, when I glanced out the large picture window in the room, which I often do when I'm concentrating or thinking about something. I was about to look down again to finish the problem when something peculiar caught the corner of my eye. I eagerly put my pencil down and got up to the window to investigate. The figure was still fairly far away, but as it got closer, I was able to tell that this ominous figure was a man. I live rather far out in the country with no close by neighbors other than my uncle and grandpa, so I thought it was very bizarre to see someone out for a leisurely stroll in this dust-infested area. As he approached, there was something dark and sinister about how he was walking; it was almost threatening.”)

The story demonstrates an ending that emphasizes the insights the writer gained from the experience. (“Needless to say, this experience will always stick out in my mind as the most adrenaline I have ever had surge through my body at once. I was ecstatic to have both of my parents in the house later that night. I jumped to conclusions by thinking a man carrying a gun and wearing blood-covered clothing was out to harm me and not to look for a trouble-making dog. But most importantly, I learned that sometimes, it's nice to not be home alone.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate his/her experience being home alone, as a stranger was mysteriously roaming the property. (“ I eagerly put my pencil down and got up to the window to investigate. The figure was still fairly far away, but as it got closer, I was able to tell that this ominous figure was a man. I live rather far out in the country with no close by neighbors other than my uncle and grandpa, so I thought it was very bizarre to see someone out for a leisurely stroll in this dust-infested area. As he approached, there was something dark and sinister about how he was walking; it was almost threatening. When he got closer yet, I was able to make out his physical appearance. He was quite tall, possibly 6’4, and had a solid frame as well, weighing well over two hundred pounds. He wore navy blue overalls that were torn and tattered on the bottoms, and had dark, messy hair. He seemed to be carrying a walking stick of some sort. But as he got even closer yet, I realized that was not a walking stick at all, but a gun. I also noticed that his coveralls had red stains all over them; it was quite obviously blood.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting events are related and how they strengthen the overall theme of the story. (“ I released my death grip from the softball bat, turned some lights back on, and basically collapsed into a puddle on the floor. I threw some shoes on and sprinted the short ways to the farm where my dad was. I spilled out the entire incident trying to stay calm enough to be somewhat understood. My dad, the levelheaded person he is, tried to find a logical explanation for what happened. He called all the two people that live on the road and asked them if the man came to their house as well, and while doing this cracked the case of the mysterious bloodstained gun possessing man. Apparently, according to one of the residents, the man was a farmer, and was walking the area searching for a black dog that killed half of his chickens, which would explain the BB gun, the chicken blood, and the angry way he walked.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. The readers can feel the writer’s anxiety as the stranger continued to prowl the grounds of the property. (“ He was right in front of my house now; my driveway was right on his left. I thought to myself, ‘If he turns in here...’ He stopped walking. My heart started to beat a little faster now. After a few seconds, he turned his body so he was directly facing my house. Instantly, I ducked down below the window and prayed that he didn't see me. Then I slowly peeked my eyes just about the window ledge. Just as I did that, he began to walk down my driveway, coming right at my house. I was frozen in my place. I stopped breathing, my heart raced, and my stomach felt like it was in my throat. My mind ran a mile a minute; I desperately wished my parents were home, because I had no idea what to do.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and words are spelled correctly. (“ Apparently, according to one of the residents, the man was a farmer, and was walking the area searching for a black dog that killed half of his chickens, which would explain the BB gun, the chicken blood, and the angry way he walked. I was still beside myself on why he couldn't have come to the door and asked if a black dog lived around here like a normal person, instead of inspecting our whole yard.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

"Sarah took my phone," I said to myself in an annoyed tone of voice. My older sister was always taking my cellphone, when she was supposed to be grounded, so she could text her friends. I'd been searching for what seemed like hours and had no luck of finding the device. Of course Sarah had taken my phone; it was obviously the only option, or so my jumping to conclusions allowed me to believe.

Anger swelled inside me. As if on cue, the tall brunette waltzed into my room. "Hey Mattie," she began with a false innocence in her voice. I stormed from my room without replying. She could be so irritating at times! Walking into her room, I began to throw things around, searching for my phone. Sarah appeared in the door, looking horrified. She grabbed a pair of shoes from my hands and whacked me on top of the head. I'm guessing Mom walked in while Sarah and I were screaming back and forth, because she had to separate us both before she could ask what was wrong. I informed them that Sarah was a thief. Mom got us both in trouble for fighting and forced us into solitude for the rest of the day.

The problem buzzed through my brain all day. I was mad at everyone. Sarah had taken my phone, and Mom hadn't done anything about it. Refusing to be happy, I left the house to take my dog for a walk. My brain was still hurting when I returned. Something popped into my head as I went to my room. I hadn't used my phone since yesterday at school. Digging through my backpack, my fingers grazed the phone's sleek touch screen. The ignorance of the day sunk in around me. I'd been blaming my sister for nothing.

I felt terrible. Sarah was still angry with me, and Mom wouldn't say more than two words in my presence. I was going to have to swallow the pride I'd had earlier when I refused to listen to my sister. She had told me numerous times she had not stolen my phone. Now I was going to look dumb. When I apologized to Sarah she accepted the apology, and we hugged. I told Mom I was sorry for being a pain as well, and I got the same response.

That day I learned a very important lesson. Sometimes we need to consider all of our options before jumping to conclusions. Things aren't always what they seem, and I'm most certainly not right about everything. You must be careful about how you handle situations. Do not assume things and take action too quickly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. He/she establishes and maintains a clear central idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story and completes most parts of the task.

In the beginning, the writer clearly focuses the narrative on his/her false assumption. (“Of course Sarah had taken my phone; it was obviously the only option, or so my jumping to conclusions allowed me to believe.”) Within the introduction, the writer supports the purpose of the prompt task by acknowledging that his/her decision was made in haste.

The parts of the story relate to the main event of jumping to a conclusion. The writer makes a clear connection between the details and controlling idea by paralleling his/her illogical assumptions with a hasty response. (“Walking into her room, I began to throw things around, searching for my phone.”)

The details in the story focus on the consequences of the main event. The writer elaborates on the all-consuming, negative aspects of his/her decision to jump to a conclusion. (“The problem buzzed through my brain all day. I was mad at everyone. Sarah had taken my phone, and Mom hadn't done anything about it.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and introduces the readers to believable characters who impact the story. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Characters are developed with some details. (“As if on cue, the tall brunette waltzed into my room. ‘Hey Mattie,’ she began with a false innocence in her voice. I stormed from my room without replying. She could be so irritating at times!”) The writer creates realistic characters in the story by describing how they look and act. Additionally, he/she also includes dialogue to reveal what characters say to each other.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“Refusing to be happy, I left the house to take my dog for a walk. My brain was still hurting when I returned. Something popped into my head as I went to my room. I hadn't used my phone since yesterday at school. Digging through my backpack, my fingers grazed the phone's sleek touch screen. ”) Details concerning the narrator’s restless actions and preoccupied thoughts emphasize the main character’s involvement in the conflict, thereby heightening the readers’ suspense.

The plot is effectively developed. (“… Mom walked in while Sarah and I were screaming back and forth, because she had to separate us both before she could ask what was wrong. I informed them that Sarah was a thief. Mom got us both in trouble for fighting and forced us into solitude for the rest of the day.”) The writer presents a false climax in the beginning of the story to increase tension and encourage the readers to reach the true, final climax at the end of the narrative.

Organization

The story effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning. Rather than providing a long description of the story’s premise, the writer engages readers by opening the story in the middle of a conflict. (“'Sarah took my phone,’ I said to myself in an annoyed tone of voice. My older sister was always taking my cellphone, when she was supposed to be grounded, so she could text her friends. I'd been searching for what seemed like hours and had no luck of finding the device. ”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“Of course Sarah had taken my phone; it was obviously the only option, or so my jumping to conclusions allowed me to believe. ”)

The writer includes an effective ending. His/her closing statement asks readers to reflect on the life lesson presented in the story, emphasizing the importance of the topic. (“That day I learned a very important lesson. Sometimes we need to consider all of our options before jumping to conclusions. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language is consistent. (“I informed them that Sarah was a thief…The problem buzzed through my brain all day… My brain was still hurting when I returned.”) The writer cleverly uses words such as “inform,” “problem,” and “brain” to create a mysterious tone, which supports the main character’s role as a sleuth hoping to solve a mystery within the narrative.

Coherent style ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“Walking into her room, I began to throw things around, searching for my phone. Sarah appeared in the door, looking horrified. She grabbed a pair of shoes from my hands and whacked me on top of the head.”)

The writer employs good word choices in the narrative. For instance, the writer uses a metaphor to convey the anger that grew inside him/her throughout the course of the story. (“Anger swelled inside me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I jump to conclusions all the time. Unfortunately, I'm usually wrong. I've learned now that you can't just assume something without knowing the other person's personality. Most of the time I tell people over and over, "Don't be judgmental, you don't know their true personality." Sadly, a lot of the time, I'm the one who needs to be told that. Sometimes I am very hypocritical without even realizing it! This is a true story about myself jumping to conclusions and being very judgmental.

I was in the eighth grade and I thought I was on top of the world. It was in my History Class and we were asked to write a poem about the Civil War. One of the partners was to be from the North, the Yankees. The other classmate was to be from the South, the Rebels. Our teacher, Ms. Palmer, was to choose our partners. I actually had quite a lot of friends in that class, but of course, none of them happened to be paired up with me.

For the sake of privacy I won't name any names, because now I feel bad about how judgmental I was. At the time being, I thought this boy to be one of the most outlandish, strangest persons in the entire school. His hair was very scraggly, it looked like it hadn't been done in days. His clothes were in atrocious shape; they were tattered and torn. His glasses, you could tell, had been broken before. He had tried to mend them with tape and glue, but try as he did, they still looked tacky. His smell wasn't much better; it was actually distinguishably horrific.

Obviously, by now, you can tell that I was not interested in having this boy as my partner. I thought about this; maybe I wasn't the only one who thought their opposite partner was weird. Maybe he felt the same about me. Either way, for good or bad, he didn't really show his emotions. I figured, I could just hurry and finish the poem and be done. We grabbed our papers and started off. Surprisingly, together, we actually came up with some really tremendous ideas. Plus, he was also very nice.

We finished our poem and it ended up being one of if not the most liked in our class. I even thought it was probably one of the best poems I had ever done! I learned a lot from him that day. Just because someone looks or acts different, that doesn't mean they can't be an amazingly intelligent or polite person. You can't conclude who a person is until you actually meet and spend some time with them, and who knows maybe they could become your best friend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“This is a true story about myself jumping to conclusions and being very judgmental.”) The writer adequately connects his/her thesis statement to the purpose of the prompt task.

The writer focuses on the main event of her dismay at being paired with an unfamiliar student for an in-class project throughout the narrative. (“Our teacher, Ms. Palmer, was to choose our partners. I actually had quite a lot of friends in that class, but of course, none of them happened to be paired up with me.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. The writer reinforces the focus of the task by making a connection between the supporting details and the central idea. (“I figured, I could just hurry and finish the poem and be done. We grabbed our papers and started off. Surprisingly, together, we actually came up with some really tremendous ideas. Plus, he was also very nice.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas is adequate in the narrative. The story includes a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The writer establishes tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Additionally, he/she shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The narrative has a consistent point of view. (“I was in the eighth grade and I thought I was on top of the world… I thought this boy to be one of the most outlandish, strangest persons in the entire school…. maybe I wasn't the only one who thought their opposite partner was weird.”) The content of the story revolves around the first-person point of view; this provides readers with a credible narrative voice that relays the details of the story.

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. The writer thoroughly describes unattractive elements found within the secondary character, her partner, in detail, to create plot tension. (“I thought this boy to be one of the most outlandish, strangest persons in the entire school. His hair was very scraggly, it looked like it hadn't been done in days. His clothes were in atrocious shape; they were tattered and torn. His glasses, you could tell, had been broken before. He had tried to mend them with tape and glue, but try as he did, they still looked tacky.”)

The writer briefly provides a conflict in the story by emphasizing her disinterest in the partner selected for an in-class project. (“Obviously, by now, you can tell that I was not interested in having this boy as my partner.”)

Organization

The beginning of the story demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab the readers’ attention by detailing the writer’s tendency to make hasty and uninformed decisions. (“I jump to conclusions all the time. Unfortunately, I'm usually wrong. I've learned now that you can't just assume something without knowing the other person's personality. Most of the time I tell people over and over, ‘Don't be judgmental, you don't know their true personality.’ Sadly, a lot of the time, I'm the one who needs to be told that. ”)

The writer uses adequate transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their logical conclusion. (“We grabbed our papers and started off. Surprisingly, together, we actually came up with some really tremendous ideas. Plus, he was also very nice.”)

The story comes to a very abrupt end; yet, the writer provides the intended audience with a sense of closure by presenting his/her insight or lesson learned as a result of the experience. (“I learned a lot from him that day. Just because someone looks or acts different, that doesn't mean they can't be an amazingly intelligent or polite person. You can't conclude who a person is until you actually meet and spend some time with them, and who knows maybe they could become your best friend. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. A variety of well-structured sentences makes the story more engaging and interesting to read. (“One of the partners was to be from the North, the Yankees. The other classmate was to be from the South, the Rebels. Our teacher, Ms. Palmer, was to choose our partners. ”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. For instance, he/she uses language that describes the secondary character in the story. The sensory and descriptive words allow the readers to picture the character, and his traits, in their minds. (“His smell wasn't much better; it was actually distinguishably horrific. ”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. Additionally, he/she appropriately uses informal language to create a conversational tone to the story, in order to appeal to a broader audience. (“I actually had quite a lot of friends in that class, but of course, none of them happened to be paired up with me…you can tell that I was not interested in having this boy as my partner. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The time I have jumped to conclusion would be when I jumped to conclusion about a guy that was walking by Zach's truck with me, Dakota and Zach in there. Well this guy was really really creepy! He looked like he was going to kill someone. So it scared me. We where all freaked out buy the time it was done.

Well we where driving back from walmart and we had about 15 balloons in the truck, because that was the cool thing to do back in the day. Well we came thought smiths parking lot and we where giggling and smiling and just having a good old time with are friends. Well we just came across the speed bumps and where coming up to the stop sign behind smiths, I was by the door holding a balloon and we where laughing about something Dakota said.

Well this guy was walking down the road and it was very busy that night because it was saturday night and everyone was driving around. Not to mention that it was a nice summer night and all the kids had to go waste there gas their parents gave them. So while we were here watching and waiting for it to be safe to go and not have anything bad happen, we here joking around and smiling having a good time. With everything going awesome that night, we didn't think anything bad would happen.

So this guy starts walking up to the car and first thing that comes out of my mouth is: he's going to mug us! Dakota and Zach laughed at me and said "not even". Well he started walking up to the truck and was trying to get in! Zach grabbed his pocket knife and told him to back off! We ended up cutting some people off and speeding away. Dakota and I where screaming like little girls! We didn't think that would ever happen. After we got home that's all we could talk about for hours.

That's my story of me jumping to conclusions and it turning out to be right! They now believe me when they say someone's going to mug us! It as a crazy time but I sure wouldn't trade it for the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. Additionally, the basic overview of the plot at the beginning takes away from his/her attempt to build suspense throughout the rest of the response. (“The time I have jumped to conclusion would be when I jumped to conclusion about a guy that was walking by Zach's truck with me, Dakota and Zach in there. Well this guy was really really creepy! He looked like he was going to kill someone. So it scared me.”)

The writer focuses limited details on a conflict or characters in the narrative. His/her inability to provide the readers with detailed descriptions of important events and characters renders the narrative less than compelling. (“Well this guy was walking down the road and it was very busy that night because it was saturday night and everyone was driving around.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. In providing more relevant details about the plot, characters, and setting, the readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“So while we were here watching and waiting for it to be safe to go and not have anything bad happen, we here joking around and smiling having a good time. With everything going awesome that night, we didn't think anything bad would happen.”)

Content & Development

The narrative reveals limited content and development. The writer provides a loosely developed plot, setting, and characters that lack sufficient details to make the narrative more than a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed sufficiently. Little dialogue was used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“Well he started walking up to the truck and was trying to get in! Zach grabbed his pocket knife and told him to back off! We ended up cutting some people off and speeding away. Dakota and I where screaming like little girls! We didn't think that would ever happen.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces his/her friends into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“Well we where driving back from walmart and we had about 15 balloons in the truck, because that was the cool thing to do back in the day. Well we came thought smiths parking lot and we where giggling and smiling and just having a good old time with are friends.”)

The writer does not implement sufficient use of dialogue in the narrative. While some details are used to aid in description, including sufficient dialogue would allow the writer to share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“Dakota and Zach laughed at me and said ‘not even’.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the narrative. The writer provides an opening that may hold the readers’ attention, but the flow of the story is broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident but tend to be weak. Additionally, the writer does not provide the readers with some sense of closure as the story draws to a close.

The beginning of the narrative attempts to grab the readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. The writer creates some interest by describing the initial scenario. (“The time I have jumped to conclusion would be when I jumped to conclusion about a guy that was walking by Zach's truck with me, Dakota and Zach in there. Well this guy was really really creepy ”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story. The writer should utilize more transitions to create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“So this guy starts walking up to the car and first thing that comes out of my mouth is: he's going to mug us! ”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. At the very end, the writer reveals his/her surprise at the outcome of the narrative but does not provide a sense of closure that allows the readers to reflect on the story’s lesson in a new way. (“After we got home that's all we could talk about for hours…That's my story of me jumping to conclusions and it turning out to be right! They now believe me when they say someone's going to mug us! It as a crazy time but I sure wouldn't trade it for the world. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“We didn't think that would ever happen. ”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. The writer’s use of “well,” for example, is glaringly repetitive. Choosing a variety of words to transition from one idea to another will make this story more engaging. (“Well we where driving back from walmart …Well we came thought smiths parking lot … Well we just came across the speed bumps… ”)

The sentences are too informal, and word choices are very basic. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“With everything going awesome that night, we didn't think anything bad would happen. ”) Although slang can be appropriate at times to convey local dialect or help develop the voice of a character, phrases such as “going awesome” fail to convey a singular and developed voice within the narrative.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One time when i jumped to conclusion was in the eith grade. One of my friends hd tole me my other friend Nikki had said something about me. I took it the wrong way and jumped to conclusion. I Thought she was talking bad about me.

It was the end of school so i went up to her and started yelling and screaming. When I was finished i expected her to yell back or something but she didn't. She just stood there and looked at me like i was dumb! I told her what my other friend had told me. She said "No, No, No you know i would never talk about you in a bad way ." So we decided to walk home together so she could explain everything.

That day I made a bad decision by jumping to conclusion! I could have lost a very good friend. So from now on I get the facts straigh before jumping to oconclusion.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she establishes a vague central idea and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative includes descriptions and details that may stray from the point of the story. On the whole, the writer completes few parts of the task.

The story only minimally states the main event of the story. The brief overview of the story fails to provide enough details that support the purpose of the prompt task. (“One of my friends hd tole me my other friend Nikki had said something about me. I took it the wrong way and jumped to conclusion. I Thought she was talking bad about me.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give the readers a true sense of why it was so plausible that he/she jumped to a conclusion and made a poor decision. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“I took it the wrong way and jumped to conclusion. I Thought she was talking bad about me.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. Although the writer states the conflict within the narrative, details about the plot, characters, and setting are missing, rendering the narrative minimal at best. (“It was the end of school so i went up to her and started yelling and screaming. When I was finished i expected her to yell back or something but she didn't. She just stood there and looked at me like i was dumb!”)

Content & Development

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses how or why he/she jumped to a conclusion, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the intended message. (“One of my friends hd tole me my other friend Nikki had said something about me. I took it the wrong way and jumped to conclusion.”)

The writer does not create a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“It was the end of school so i went up to her and started yelling and screaming.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“I told her what my other friend had told me. She said ‘No, No, No you know i would never talk about you in a bad way .’ So we decided to walk home together so she could explain everything.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the beginning; however, restating the purpose of the task does little to engage and keep the readers’ attention. (“One time when i jumped to conclusion was in the eith grade. ”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. Rather than utilizing various transitions to help sequence the order of events, the writer relies heavily on the word “so” to move from one thought to another. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ I took it the wrong way and jumped to conclusion. I Thought she was talking bad about me. It was the end of school so i went up to her and started yelling and screaming. When I was finished i expected her to yell back or something but she didn't.”)

The story’s ending is minimal at best. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave the readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“So from now on I get the facts straigh before jumping to oconclusion. ”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“That day I made a bad decision by jumping to conclusion! ”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“I Thought she was talking bad about me. ”)

Although exclamations are commonly used as a tool to help shape a writer’s voice, the writer’s use of the exclamation point makes the response seem informal and unsophisticated. (“That day I made a bad decision by jumping to conclusion! I could have lost a very good friend. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I may jump to a conclusion when something is missing out my room like last week.

I know my brother took my money out my room, but i dont want to believe he did it but i know he did. And my mama told me to look around in every place i think it could be before say he took it but i know in my heart he did.

but i ask him and he said no but i know he did. Cause i know how he do my sister but later on he will tell her after she start fussing at me for nothing.

but they are closer then we are, but i don't care.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. Notably, the writer seems to attend to the prompt task at the beginning but loses focus toward the end of the narrative. (“I may jump to a conclusion when something is missing out my room like last week.” )

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“but they are closer then we are, but i don't care.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. Although the writer hints at the purpose of the prompt task, he/she fails to maintain focus throughout the narrative by clearly making a connection between the supporting details and the controlling idea. (“I know my brother took my money out my room, but i dont want to believe he did it but i know he did. And my mama told me to look around in every place i think it could be before say he took it but i know in my heart he did.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Additionally, characters are introduced but not developed in any way. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps the readers imagine the scenes in their minds. Also, the writer should use sensory details to develop the plot, setting, and characters. ( “I know my brother took my money out my room, but i dont want to believe he did it but i know he did. And my mama told me to look around in every place i think it could be before say he took it but i know in my heart he did. ”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. Additionally, he/she attempts to include secondary characters within the plot; however, there are too few details in the story that aid character development. (“but i ask him and he said no but i know he did. Cause i know how he do my sister but later on he will tell her after she start fussing at me for nothing.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. Rather than including dialogue that would frame or support the prompt task, the writer merely summarizes a conversation. (“but i ask him and he said no but i know he did.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, a time when the writer jumped to a conclusion too quickly and made a bad decision. (“I may jump to a conclusion when something is missing out my room like last week. ”)

Events are not in order. There are significant gaps in time and sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“but i ask him and he said no but i know he did. Cause i know how he do my sister but later on he will tell her after she start fussing at me for nothing. ”)

The story includes no identifiable ending to summarize the theme of the prompt task or give the readers a sense of closure. (“but they are closer then we are, but i don't care. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“Cause i know how he do my sister but later on he will tell her after she start fussing at me for nothing. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. The overt use of slang or colloquial language renders the response informal. (“And my mama told me to look around in every place i think it could be before say he took it but i know in my heart he did. ”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“I know my brother took my money out my room, but i dont want to believe he did it but i know he did.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Life Without Electricity

Suppose you woke up one morning and found that all the electricity in the country was off and would not be restored. What do you think life would be like? Write a story about what you imagine would happen if you woke up in a world without electricity. Explain the setting and details of the experience. Tell your story in an interesting way to engage the reader. Remember to make sure the reader has enough details about your experience so they can picture it in their mind.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What would a world without the benefits of electricity be like in a world so dependant on such? Well for one thing, we would all have to do things a lot slower. Work would grind to a trudge whilst the rest of the world began to grind flour by hand, like the olden days of yore. Perhaps the thing that we would have the most difficulty with would be the loss of the entire computerized construct. Accounts would fall into the darkness of perpetual obscurity, archival libraries would be lost in the chaos and ideas, journals, and identities would disappear with the fading darkness. In short, a world without electricity would not mean the end of the world...but rather, a different state of being.

I imagine myself waking up to a world without the flickering light bulbs of the ceiling or the gibbering cyclops that is television. What first comes to mind is the silence of the world. No television or radios or microwave ovens or popping toasters or anything of the like. The only sound would be the gas stove we have. Its demure hiss is audible throughout the home I live in. I would walk into my kitchen to see my father gone. Why? Well, to go see what's going on in the rest of the world. He knows if anything goes wrong that I would be able to defend myself against the encroaching insanity. So, I eat a piece of moldy, sour cheese from the broken down refrigerator. The light doesn't flicker on, which at first strikes me as odd. Something so inane and yet, at the same time, so constant, reminds one of the small losses. The lack of warm water from the shower is a reminder of the large. The heater is run by electricity and now...that has died too. Nothing is working at all. Everything that I, and mostly everyone else on this planet depends on, is offline, or just off.

The sun is still shining though. As I walk outside into the sun, I hear nothing but the chirping of the birds. No familiar sounds of automobiles driving through the now empty streets. There are no street lights on at all either. Usually in a crisis situation, they blink in silent, blaring warning. However, they are not today. The world lacks that shocking substance that powers our lives. As I walk down the street, I think to myself, "Perhaps we've placed our eggs in one basket, which is something no one is supposed to do. We have become so dependant on our machinations as a species that we've forgotten what we really are. We are biological beings perfectly capable of existing without the modern luxuries of irons, vacuum cleaners, or showers. We forget that once, all these commodities were unavailable, and life still went on. The streets are eerily silent. No one is around.

It's like we've killed a part of ourselves too attached to the modernized world, and all that is left are the mechanized barricades of our dwellings and lifeless hunks of four-wheeled steel wagons. No matter how hard I try to imagine this place in the throws of chaos, it just seems so lifeless. We have killed ourselves with complete and utter dependence. Other people in the non-modernized countries are going about their lives in harmony with their surroundings...so why aren't we? We're wallowing in fear, afraid to go outside. A world without electricity is a world devoid of luxury. It is the harsh, hard reality of life that goes on with or without the turbines generating heat and sterile light.

Suddenly, the street light flashes and a mechanical voice thunders overhead. "Please do not panic. Power has been restored. Go about with your daily lives." Daily lives? A daily life would've been more authentic without the electricity. We would return to the basic, important simplicities of life. Ring, Ring…I better get that, it could be important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay has invested quite a bit of thought into his/her response, which effectively creates and communicates an insightful controlling idea. While acknowledging the prosaic “hassles” associated with a loss of electricity, the author finally draws a much deeper conclusion about the matter (“So, I eat a piece of moldy, sour cheese from the broken down refrigerator. The light doesn't flicker on, which at first strikes me as odd. Something so inane and yet, at the same time, so constant, reminds one of the small losses. The lack of warm water from the shower is a reminder of the large. The heater is run by electricity and now...that has died too. Nothing is working at all. Everything that I, and mostly everyone else on this planet depends on, is offline, or just off.… Suddenly, the street light flashes and a mechanical voice thunders overhead. "Please do not panic. Power has been restored. Go about with your daily lives." Daily lives? A daily life would've been more authentic without the electricity.”). A sentiment such as this implies a deep understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and clearly goes beyond the limits of this task.

Content & Development

The author describes, in some detail, the world that he/she encountered once the electricity stopped flowing. However, the reader is treated to more than just a rundown of the author’s physical surroundings; the author’s reflections on this situation are much more powerful (“Accounts would fall into the darkness of perpetual obscurity, archival libraries would be lost in the chaos and ideas, journals, and identities would disappear with the fading darkness. In short, a world without electricity would not mean the end of the world...but rather, a different state of being”).

Organization

This essay shows effective organization. The introduction asks a question that serves as the foundation of the rest of the essay (“What would a world without the benefits of electricity be like in a world so dependant on such”). The body of the essay flows easily from a description of the author’s encounter with failed technology inside the home to the author’s epiphany in the natural word (“The sun is still shining though … As I walk down the street, I think to myself, "Perhaps we've placed our eggs in one basket”). The conclusion sums up the author’s theme and brings the reader to a closure of sorts (“’Please do not panic. Power has been restored. Go about with your daily lives.’ Daily lives? A daily life would've been more authentic without the electricity”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s language style is defined by his/her bold and accurate application of sophisticated vocabulary (“perpetual obscurity … Its demure hiss is audible … The world lacks that shocking substance”). The sentences crafted by the author are also precise. The author’s dynamic use of language calls attention to a more sophisticated tone throughout the essay response. (“We have become so dependant on our machinations as a species that we've forgotten what we really are. We are biological beings perfectly capable of existing without the modern luxuries of irons, vacuum cleaners, or showers. We forget that once, all these commodities were unavailable, and life still went on.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. The writer commits few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation or spelling that would interfere with the communication of the intended message. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with appropriate punctuation, each sentence starts with a capital letter, and line breaks indicate the start of new paragraphs. (“ It's like we've killed a part of ourselves too attached to the modernized world, and all that is left are the mechanized barricades of our dwellings and lifeless hunks of four-wheeled steel wagons. No matter how hard I try to imagine this place in the throws of chaos, it just seems so lifeless. We have killed ourselves with complete and utter dependence.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When I went to bed last night, I expected to wake up in the morning and have my life as peachy as it was yesterday. I rolled out of bed, flipped on the light switch, and nothing happened. I was sure that that light bulb had just burned out, but when I flipped the switches from room to room and nothing happened, it became clear to me that there was a problem. I always had great faith with the electric company so I knew that this problem would get done quickly.

Six hours later I was disgusted. I couldn't call anybody to ask what was going on. I couldn't go on the computer and get on the internet and chat to my friends about what happened and I couldn't turn on the tv to see what was going on. I was so upset I didn't have any electricity.

It was about five o'clock in the afternoon and there still wasn't any electricity. The food in the refrigerator was starting to go bad and I didn't have the microwave or toaster oven to make the pizza that was left for dinner that night. It was really starting to bug me. Life without electricity was more horrible then I thought.

Around eight o'clock I was sitting in the living room with candles lit around me just sitting on the couch trying to read a book because there wasn't anything else to do. I couldn't go on the computer. I couldn't listen to my cd player anymore because the batteries went dead. I couldn't turn on the television either. There wasn't really anything to do except sit and wait. I was pretty much doing that

all day. I was thinking and hoping it will be on tomorrow. I was so bored without the electric devices I usually used everyday.

Finally around ten o'clock I got tired of just sitting around in the dark that I decided to go to bed. I went up to my mom's room to see what she was doing but she was sleeping and my sister was laying there with her. Then I slowly walked out and then walked to my room. I laid on my bed and just stared around my room. I started looking at the moon from my window. Then I turned over and went to sleep.

The next morning I tried it again. I flipped the light switch. There was still no light. I got really upset again. I decided to go downstairs and see what my mom was doing. She was laying on the couch and my sister was on the floor next to her playing with her dolls. I told my mom I was going outside to take a walk. My mom and my sister decided to come with me. We just walked around and talked about what we were going to do for food. Then my aunt and uncle came out. We all decided to walk to the store. We got chips, bottles of sodas, bread, sandwich meat and mayonnaise. The soda was warm but it was better than nothing. We went back home and made lunch.

About three hours later my mom, sister, and I went to my aunt's house. We took blankets, pillows, and other things we wanted to bring. We all sat in their living room with food and drinks and just were telling stories.

I don't know when the electricity is going to come back,but so far, I like being with my family like this and being close with them. I hope it comes back soon but for now, I'm just going to spend this time with my mom , my sister, my aunt, and my uncle.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author has created a strong narrative that conveys a complete message to the intended audience (“I don't know when the electricity is going to come back,but so far, I like being with my family like this and being close with them. I hope it comes back soon but for now, I'm just going to spend this time with my mom , my sister, my aunt, and my uncle”). Unfortunately, the author does not delve into the deeper meaning of this event, as suggested in the conclusion, much in the body of the essay. Still, the author demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience of this task and completes most parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author describes the world s/he encounters after the electricity stops working in some detail (“I couldn't call anybody to ask what was going on. I couldn't go on the computer and get on the internet and chat to my friends about what happened and I couldn't turn on the tv to see what was going on. I was so upset I didn't have any electricity”), calling special attention to the monotony of the situation (“There wasn't really anything to do except sit and wait. I was pretty much doing that all day. I was thinking and hoping it will be on tomorrow”).

Organization

This essay is tightly organized around a chronological timeline, beginning when the author awakens and ending the following day. The introduction sets the scene for the reader (“I always had great faith with the electric company so I knew that this problem would get done quickly.”), and the conclusion summarizes the impact of the situation on the author (“I don't know when the electricity is going to come back,but so far, I like being with my family like this and being close with them”). Transitional devices are used to help guide the reader through the narrative (“Six hours later I was disgusted”).

Language Use & Style

This author’s language is appropriate for the audience of this prompt, although is does emerge as repetitive in the second and fourth paragraphs (“I couldn't go on the computer and get on the internet and chat to my friends about what happened” and “I couldn't go on the computer”). The sentences are generally well-structured with some variety, although they strike the reader as overly simple and choppy (“The next morning I tried it again. I flipped the light switch. There was still no light. I got really upset again. I decided to go downstairs and see what my mom was doing. She was laying on the couch and my sister was on the floor next to her playing with her dolls”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, allowing few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling to interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Life without electricity would be horrible for me because, imagine waking up one day without it and their wouldn't be any light to see where your walking, doing, eating, and you wouldn't be able to get dressed in the dark, because you would be worried about if your gonna mismatch or two different socks.

One day I woke up and went into the restroom to take a shower, but it seemed a little strange to me because when I turned on the light switch the light didn't turn on but of course I ignored it like any other person would, plus sense it was day anyway's I really didn't need the light. Finally when I got out and went back to my room I turned on my radio, but the thing is that my radio didn't turn on that's when I said WHAT??!!! so I turned on my stich light from my room, but the light didn't turn on, so I also ran outside and see if the streetlights were working, but non of them were on so that when I started to worry. So I ran to the phone, but I remembered the phone doesn't work either with out any electricity, so I got my cell phone and called one of my aunts to her cell phone. Finally she answered and told me what was happening, I started to worry more because their isn't any electricity.

With out any electricity I would get bored because I wouldn't be able to watch any television and watch any of my shows, I also wouldn't be able to listen to the radio only my walk man CD player, but that would be better than nothing. And I wouldn't be able to live without my hair straightener without it my hair would be very ugly and embarrassing. Without electricity I wouldn't be able to do anything fun their wouldn't be any going to the movies any more. I would have to go to sleep early before sun goes in. Without any electricity the world would be a very boring place.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete narrative to the desired audience. The author establishes and focuses on an appropriate theme (“Life without electricity would be horrible for me”), yet the conclusions s/he draws tend to be shallow (“you would be worried about if your gonna mismatch or two different socks”). Still, the author clearly understands the assigned prompt and has adequately completed many parts of the task.

Content & Development

In the second paragraph, the author spends some time discussing his/her experience of a world without electricity. An adequate amount of details are provided to help the reader envision such a world (“One day I woke up and went into the restroom to take a shower, but it seemed a little strange to me because when I turned on the light switch the light didn't turn on but of course I ignored it like any other person would”). In the third and final paragraph, the author writes about the meaning of such an event, although the author’s conclusion is naïve and lacks deeper insight (“Without electricity I wouldn't be able to do anything fun their wouldn't be any going to the movies any more. I would have to go to sleep early before sun goes in. Without any electricity the world would be a very boring place”).

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. Three paragraphs have been developed by the author. The first serves as an introduction (“Life without electricity would be horrible for me”). In the second paragraph, the author supports the central thesis by describing some of the challenges of living in a world without electricity. Finally, in the third paragraph, the author draws a simple conclusion about the experience and closes the narrative (“Without any electricity the world would be a very boring place”).

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience and purpose of this task, although it is basic and, at times, repetitious. Notice how, for example, the phrase “Without Electricity” is used repeatedly in the final paragraph. This essay could be improved by the use of more precise and varied words. Some of the sentences also display awkward wording (“One day I woke up and went into the restroom to take a shower, but it seemed a little strange to me because when I turned on the light switch the light didn't turn on but of course I ignored it like any other person would, plus sense it was day anyway's I really didn't need the light”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of writing is adequate. Some errors are present in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“I wouldn't be able to watch any television and watch any of my shows, I also wouldn't be able to listen to the radio only my walk man CD player”), and spelling (“stich”) that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I woke up this morning and there was no electricity anywhere in the world. The things that I do every day were harder and impossible. My life was changed. I had to find some way to do the important things to survive. I had to succeed.

Now the things that I usually do became harder. I had many problems that I had to solve. My clothes were washed by me. I couldn’t travel easily. Transportation or entertainment was so hard. I couldn’t have communication with my friends because telephones didn’t work.

I had to figure out how to do the important things to survive. I walked to school. I used my bicycle or even animals to travel. I decided to eat perishable or frozen food at first or dig a hole in ground to keep them cold. I had to cook with wood. I used solar power to produce electricity.

Now my life is harder because I have had to adapt but I know I will succeed. I have to travel, work, study and take care of myself. I have to try hard. I have to do the important things because I am growing and I have to continue my life. I have to change.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows some promise, but in the end, fails to deliver a powerful narrative to the intended audience. The author’s central theme (“My life was changed. I had to find some way to do the important things to survive. I had to succeed”) is potentially interesting and informative. While the author stays focused on this idea, s/he is unable to weave this theme into a complete narrative that would keep the reader interested and engaged. For example, the author acknowledges that s/he “had to figure out how to do the important things to survive,” but doesn’t describe to the reader in a meaningful way how this challenge was overcome. Ultimately, the author only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author describes a series of challenges s/he encountered in a world without electricity without an adequate number of details to help the reader properly envision them (“I had many problems that I had to solve. My clothes were washed by me. I couldn’t travel easily. Transportation or entertainment was so hard. I couldn’t have communication with my friends because telephones didn’t work”). Thus, the development of this author’s theme strikes the reader as fragmented and brief.

Organization

There is evidence of a unified structure throughout this essay. The author has provided a short introduction and conclusion (“I woke up this morning and there was no electricity anywhere in the world. The things that I do every day were harder and impossible. My life was changed” and “I have to do the important things because I am growing and I have to continue my life. I have to change”) and two body paragraphs to develop the central theme. Yet, there is an obvious lack of transitional devices from one to the next, and the essay reads in a choppy manner.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is simple and repetitive; most of the sentences in the second and third paragraphs begin in the same manner (“I walked to school. I used my bicycle or even animals to travel. I decided to eat perishable or frozen food”), which can serve to lessen the reader’s interest in the essay. Despite this drawback, the author does show some control over sentence structure and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this short, simple essay maintains decent control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, permitting few noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think life with out electricity would be better. You could not use a computer. A lot of people would not be fat. I think there would not be as many crimes. Life with out electricity would be a lot better than it is now. Just think.

My life would not be as bad. My alarm clock would not go off so, I would not have to get up as early. Then I wouldn’t have to go to school. Great!

All the bad people would not be able to brake into things as easy. They couldn’t see at night.

My life would be a lot better with out electricity.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The author clearly repeats the central theme of his/her narrative (“My life would be a lot better with out electricity”), but provides little additional information beyond simply restating the theme over and over again—at least four times—in this minimally developed essay. It is likely that the author did not understand the purpose and audience of this prompt; thus, it is not surprising that he/she completes few parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

Virtually no details are provided by the author to create a narrative story that would interest and inform the reader. Several reasons why the author believes the world would be better off without electricity are suggested (“You could not use a computer. A lot of I would not be fat. I think would not do as many crimes”), but the author fails to follow through and further describe any of these reasons. For instance, the author does not detail why it would be a good thing that people could no longer use computers or why the number of crimes would decrease. Such incomplete and inadequate support is characteristic of an essay that is “limited” in its ability to develop and support a complete narrative.

Organization

It is unclear whether the author consciously attempted to organize this essay. The central theme is repeated several times, but the author has not clearly organized such statements into a meaningful introduction or conclusion. The reasons the author cites in support of this theme are not generally organized into a unified body.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inappropriate for the assigned task and intended audience. Numerous errors in word choice and sentence structure can be found in this short essay (“A lot of I would not be fat. I think would not do as many crimes” and “be able to brake into things”). The author is unable to fully define his/her voice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author reveals minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, and commits significant errors in grammar (“brake into things as easy”), mechanics, punctuation (“My alarm clock would not go off so, I would not have”), and spelling (“with out”) that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If The world had no electricity then there would be no tv. the world would be a total wrecke, there would be no ps2 to play or x box . that would be a night mare for me

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly mention what the world would be like without electricity (“If The world had no electricity then there would be no tv. the world would be a total wrecke, there would be no ps2 to play or x box ”), the concept is not developed or maintained. No parts of the task are completed.

Content & Development

This essay fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there is no identifiable and understandable event or conflict mentioned. There is a slight attempt at a supporting idea (“the world would be a total wrecke, there would be no ps2 to play or x box“), but it is inappropriate, irrelevant, and underdeveloped.

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a two-line response. The essay lacks basic organization, such as an introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks proper paragraphing and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are simple and poorly structured. (“that would be a night mare for me”) Also, in the essay, word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“wrecke”), grammar, and punctuation (“If The world”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Love Story

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything.” -- Anonymous

Write a narrative essay about a person you love and how this love has influenced who you are.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The ones you love most are the ones who can hurt you the most. This may not be the most profound observation, but with my however meager years under my belt, I have found this to be true. In no one else have I found this to be truer than in my father. I love my parents equally. But until now, I have always, despite how hard I tried, liked my father more.

My father, like most dads, is 'the fun parent.' The one that, upon seeing that you've created a peanut butter and jelly tornado in the kitchen would play along first before helping clean it up. Despite what one may think, that's not the only reason why I like- liked him more. My father understands me. Being the terribly emo teenager I am, you can imagine what a surprise that is. But he does. When I got into gay rights and activism, it was he that made my momma realize I'm not satanic; just liberal. People note the physical similarities between my momma and I first, but if anyone started talking to my father and I, they would immediately know how scarily alike we are in music, humor, movies, everything. My aunt on my father's side once said that I was, "...indeed your father's daughter." Words can't describe what a thrill it was to hear that.

At the same time, he's very frustrating. He works and is away constantly, and I realize that I sound whiny, but I miss him. The most frustrating part, though, is when he is here. I recognize that I'm a teenage girl. I don't expect him to know all about my girly little problems. Being female does not mean that he needs to treat me as if I'm a completely different person. Before? Videogames. Now? Perfume. What?! I've always needed to impress him- make myself a better student, a better writer, a better person. I've always needed him to look at me- not look at me, but look at me and say, "Miranda, I'm really proud of you." With this sudden behavior change, that need has only increased. Some days I feel like slapping him over the head and yelling, "Just because you're male, does not mean you're blind!"

My father frustrates me, but my momma is too much of a conservative Catholic for my beliefs. However, being old, female, and responsible, I have an obligation to spend more time with my mother. I love her, and I, surprisingly enough, can actually talk to her, but I've always felt a deep seated resentment toward her and my brothers. They unknowingly take me away from him, and I can't stand that. That is precisely why I'm a horrible daughter.

My father is (and there's no other word for it) a complete and utter bastard. What else can you call someone that makes your momma break down and cry? Any healthy relationship requires a certain amount of trust, and he broke it in the worst kind of way: Emotionally and with someone else, in the truly messed up heat of the moment. That's still not the worst part. He's been forgiven, swears it'll never happen again, etc. My momma's mostly all right now. I am not. I'm not even supposed to know. He hid this conflict that was threatening to tear our family apart from his children.

When you love someone, you lay yourself bare and open to attack. With a single sentence, your emotional barriers can be stripped down and sold on eBay. And afterwards, even if they're given back, even if forgiveness has been issued, you can still see the red, heavy marks from each nail that was driven into them. According to my personal beliefs, I can't trust him anymore. I can't love him anymore. Except I do. I really am a daddy's girl.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay has truly captured the effect love has on a person through the effective use of an insightful controlling idea. (“The ones you love most are the ones who can hurt you the most. This may not be the most profound observation, but with my however meager years under my belt, I have found this to be true. In no one else have I found this to be truer than in my father. I love my parents equally. But until now, I have always, despite how hard I tried, liked my father more.”) This essay truly shows a thorough understanding of the purpose (“When you love someone, you lay yourself bare and open to attack. With a single sentence, your emotional barriers can be stripped down and sold on eBay. And afterwards, even if they're given back, even if forgiveness has been issued, you can still see the red, heavy marks from each nail that was driven into them.”), audience and task of the prompt. Descriptive words and details are used to enhance the story and heighten the importance of the topic discussed.

Content & Development

This essay is fully detailed and has a well-developed plot and setting. This allows the reader to fully understand the dilemma this author was faced with and how love prevailed. The author clearly establishes conflict in the piece by using descriptive details and direct quotations. This gives the reader a glimpse into the author’s personal life and allows the reader to become part of the experience. (“People note the physical similarities between my momma and I first, but if anyone started talking to my father and I, they would immediately know how scarily alike we are in music, humor, movies, everything. My aunt on my father's side once said that I was, "...indeed your father's daughter." Words can't describe what a thrill it was to hear that.”)

Organization

The author captures the reader’s attention by opening the story with a clever observation. (“The ones you love most are the ones who can hurt you the most. This may not be the most profound observation, but with my however meager years under my belt, I have found this to be true.”) This essay is formatted into a chronological sequence of events which allows for the reader to become part of the action. This type of essay structure is adequate in a narrative. (“At the same time, he's very frustrating. He works and is away constantly, and I realize that I sound whiny, but I miss him. The most frustrating part, though, is when he is here. I recognize that I'm a teenage girl. I don't expect him to know all about my girly little problems. Being female does not mean that he needs to treat me as if I'm a completely different person. Before? Videogames. Now? Perfume. What?! I've always needed to impress him- make myself a better student, a better writer, a better person.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style of this essay are intriguing and vividly descriptive. This author demonstrates a defined voice (“Any healthy relationship requires a certain amount of trust, and he broke it in the worst kind of way: Emotionally and with someone else, in the truly messed up heat of the moment. That's still not the worst part. He's been forgiven, swears it'll never happen again, etc. My momma's mostly all right now. I am not. I'm not even supposed to know. He hid this conflict that was threatening to tear our family apart from his children.”) and a clear sense of audience and purpose.

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My mom is always the person who is encouraging me, cheering me on, and helping me up when I am down. Throughout my entire life, she has influenced me and her endless love for me has changed who I am.

She is not like any other mom. She is an extremely special mother who is always there. Ever since I can remember, she has encouraged me with whatever I wanted to do. In seventh grade, I wanted to try out football. To me, it looked like a lot of fun. However, to my mom, it was a chance that I might get hurt. But, she was supportive of me with whatever I did and she did everything she could for me. She never missed a football game and even threw the football with me a couple of times for practice despite her never playing the game before. This incident alone showed me her great love and changed my views on a few things.

Rain or shine, my faithful mother can be seen at ninety-nine out of one-hundred basketball games that I am in as well as any other event I participate in. She will always cheer me on, no matter what. When I dominate in the paint and shoot extremely well, she is cheering loudly in the stands. Even when I have missed every shot and free throw, she can be seen yelling loudly with encouraging words. I can't think of one game that she has not been to in about a year. One time our game was three or four hours away and she decided to take me there and stayed at the gym all day with me. He character shows me what someone who really loves me will do for me.

Everybody has been down at one time or another. Just like any other occasion, my caring mother was there to give me a helping hand. Because I have been involved with sports since I could walk, I have experienced a couple of tough losses. After a painful loss, she will comfort me and tell me that I will win the next time. When I become injured and cannot play, she tells me that I shouldn't be too active and I should not play too much so I would avoid becoming permanently injured. She then takes care of me at home and helps me when I need to be helped. Her care for me is utterly amazing.

My mother's loves for me has impacted me greatly. She is an inspiration and I hope to be like her one day when I am a parent. While being a mother around the house and working hard every day to bring home a substantial income, she finds plenty of time for me and my sister. I do not know how she does it. With her love, I have learned that I need to be supportive of my family's and friends' choices as long as they are not bad decisions such as taking drugs. I know I need to be more vocal and cheer on my friends in their activities. I also want to follow in my mom's footsteps and I am now the one who gives help and tries to help people up. My mom is amazing and she has changed my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response is a strong narrative that conveys a complete message to the intended audience. (“My mom is always the person who is encouraging me, cheering me on, and helping me up when I am down. Throughout my entire life, she has influenced me and her endless love for me has changed who I am.”) The author uses supporting details skillfully to enhance the feelings expressed in this narrative. (“Rain or shine, my faithful mother can be seen at ninety-nine out of one-hundred basketball games that I am in as well as any other event I participate in. She will always cheer me on, no matter what. When I dominate in the paint and shoot extremely well, she is cheering loudly in the stands. Even when I have missed every shot and free throw, she can be seen yelling loudly with encouraging words.”)

Content & Development

This author uses a well-developed plot and setting to creatively describe the love of a mother for her child. The author vividly describes the reasons behind why he/she loves his/her mother so much. (“One time our game was three or four hours away and she decided to take me there and stayed at the gym all day with me. He character shows me what someone who really loves me will do for me.”) The response’s conflict is heightened through the writer’s control of voice. (“While being a mother around the house and working hard every day to bring home a substantial income, she finds plenty of time for me and my sister. I do not know how she does it. With her love, I have learned that I need to be supportive of my family's and friends' choices as long as they are not bad decisions such as taking drugs. I know I need to be more vocal and cheer on my friends in their activities. I also want to follow in my mom's footsteps and I am now the one who gives help and tries to help people up.”)

Organization

The author uses a universal idea—the love a child has for a mother—in the introductory paragraph to capture the reader’s attention. (“My mom is always the person who is encouraging me, cheering me on, and helping me up when I am down. Throughout my entire life, she has influenced me and her endless love for me has changed who I am.”) The story flows smoothly from one event to another. The conclusion effectively explains the huge impact a mother’s love had on the author. (“With her love, I have learned that I need to be supportive of my family's and friends' choices as long as they are not bad decisions such as taking drugs. I know I need to be more vocal and cheer on my friends in their activities. I also want to follow in my mom's footsteps and I am now the one who gives help and tries to help people up. My mom is amazing and she has changed my life.”)

Language Use & Style

This author demonstrates effective language and word choice while sharing his/her story of a mother’s unconditional love. (“When I become injured and cannot play, she tells me that I shouldn't be too active and I should not play too much so I would avoid becoming permanently injured. She then takes care of me at home and helps me when I need to be helped. Her care for me is utterly amazing.”) The sentences are generally well-structured, varied, and demonstrate an appropriate use of voice. (“Rain or shine, my faithful mother can be seen at ninety-nine out of one-hundred basketball games that I am in as well as any other event I participate in. She will always cheer me on, no matter what. When I dominate in the paint and shoot extremely well, she is cheering loudly in the stands.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing, allowing few errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling to interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Love is an obsession. An obsession so deep and surreal that you have to experience it to believe that it is so much as achievable. It is the embrace of a loved ones arms or the look from your newly married husband who you dedicated your whole life to, or that furry faced animal who you can't get enough of. Love comes in al forms. My love in my family is overflowing. You grow up living with your family as the people as the people you come to for help, assurance or even just a pleasant pick me up because some kid in the playground and you scrapped your knee. So when you get home your mom kisses it and it is magically all-okay. My mom has supported me my whole life and no one could ever replace her. My love for her is never ending.

My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis or MS when I was around 3. She had miscarried a baby before me and she knew if she had another baby it was possible she would get MS from that. She unfortunately got MS after I was born and has been in a wheelchair now for eight years. My mom and I have a bond so strong that it is mind boggling. She is my best friend and my role model. Her life was turned for the worst. Paralyzed, that is a harsh sentence that is not something that you can bail out of. It is permanent. She was paralyzed from the hips down. No longer did I think life was always going to be good and that I was always going to get what I wanted. My life was turned upside down and my mom's was too but we still had the love of one another and our family. To me it seemed like now I was all-okay. My mom works tough and at any time that I get a scrapped knee she is constantly there to kiss it and make it all better. Whenever I think of my mom, I think of someone that faced and has gone through so many struggles and problems in her life. Her love is so powerful and profound that when she is gone it will be the hardest and saddest day of my life. She will for eternity be with me and through thick and thin. I will never be embarrassed to point her out and say, that is my mom and I love her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates a complete narrative to the intended audience. The author establishes and focuses on a story of love, yet he/she fails to fully address all parts of the task. (“My love in my family is overflowing. You grow up living with your family as the people as the people you come to for help, assurance or even just a pleasant pick me up because some kid in the playground and you scrapped your knee. So when you get home your mom kisses it and it is magically all-okay. My mom has supported me my whole life and no one could ever replace her. My love for her is never ending.”) This essay lacks descriptive details which would have made the essay more alluring to the reader. (“My life was turned upside down and my mom's was too but we still had the love of one another and our family. To me it seemed like now I was all-okay. My mom works tough and at any time that I get a scrapped knee she is constantly there to kiss it and make it all better.”)

Content & Development

The author provides a developed plot and setting but fails to be descriptive. (“My mom and I have a bond so strong that it is mind boggling. She is my best friend and my role model. Her life was turned for the worst.”) The conflict is established and explained, but is lacking supporting details which would enhance the body of the essay. (“My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis or MS when I was around 3. She had miscarried a baby before me and she knew if she had another baby it was possible she would get MS from that. She unfortunately got MS after I was born and has been in a wheelchair now for eight years. My mom and I have a bond so strong that it is mind boggling. She is my best friend and my role model.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The author develops two paragraphs to explain the meaning and importance of love. The first paragraph serves as the introduction and establishes the author’s definition of love. The second paragraph focuses on the reasons why this author chose to write about the love between a mother and child. This paragraph also acts as the concluding paragraph. (“Whenever I think of my mom, I think of someone that faced and has gone through so many struggles and problems in her life. Her love is so powerful and profound that when she is gone it will be the hardest and saddest day of my life. She will for eternity be with me and through thick and thin. I will never be embarrassed to point her out and say, that is my mom and I love her.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience and purpose of the task; it can also be quite vivid and descriptive at times. (“Love is an obsession. An obsession so deep and surreal that you have to experience it to believe that it is so much as achievable. It is the embrace of a loved ones arms or the look from your newly married husband who you dedicated your whole life to, or that furry faced animal who you can't get enough of. Love comes in al forms. My love in my family is overflowing. You grow up living with your family as the people as the people you come to for help, assurance or even just a pleasant pick me up because some kid in the playground and you scrapped your knee.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s ability to control the conventions and mechanics of written English is effective. Few errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling are evident in this piece.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people have people they can't live without, Or people they love to death. People that can be there for, them for good times or worst. Someone just there to listen there problems and have a good time with. To go somewhere with someone even if they don't even like going to the place.

As we have an argument I think in my head what will I do without her. Who is going to take care of me and my brothers? Who is going to make me a tasty dish? Or tell me not wear something that she thinks is ugly. I yell out of the top of my lungs to her. She tells me Mona please stop yelling. I say mom I am not going to stop. She yells go to your room right now young lady. I stomp out of her room and go to mines .But as I am walking towards my room. My eyes start watering, I'm going crazy. I take a deep breath and start counting to ten. In my room get a book and start reading. I also get my radio out and start listening to music.

It's been about an hour I feel so much better, but I' m still crying. I think to myself if she's gone where I'm I going to be. All these thoughts come rushing to my head, and I'm starting to get a really bad headache. So I go to the kitchen and take some Advil. Feeling so much better, realizing it was my fault .So I go to look for her, she's in her room. I first say I am sorry and, she doesn't believe me seeing it in her eyes. Before she says anything I say I'm serious I won't do it again.She says okay I hug her and give her a kiss. I leave to my room, feeling so much joy and love.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has some positive qualities, but in the end it fails to deliver a powerful narrative that captures the reader’s attention. (“Many people have people they can't live without, Or people they love to death. People that can be there for, them for good times or worst. Someone just there to listen there problems and have a good time with. To go somewhere with someone even if they don't even like going to the place.”) While the author stays focused on the central idea, s/he is unable to complete a narrative which fully engages the audience.

Content & Development

The author provides an adequately developed plot and setting, but this essay lacks sufficient detail to make it more than a summary of feelings. This story lacks descriptive details that would allow the reader to understand the feelings of the author. (“As we have an argument I think in my head what will I do without her. Who is going to take care of me and my brothers? Who is going to make me a tasty dish? Or tell me not wear something that she thinks is ugly. I yell out of the top of my lungs to her. She tells me Mona please stop yelling. I say mom I am not going to stop.”)

Organization

The organization in this essay is limited; it consists of a mere three paragraphs, with only a brief introduction and body, and lacks supporting details. The essay has a definitive conclusion, which adequately sums up what the author learned from the conflict with her mother. However, in the conclusion the author fails to adequately explain the love s/he feels. (“I think to myself if she's gone where I'm I going to be. All these thoughts come rushing to my head, and I'm starting to get a really bad headache. So I go to the kitchen and take some Advil. Feeling so much better, realizing it was my fault .So I go to look for her, she's in her room. I first say I am sorry and, she doesn't believe me seeing it in her eyes. Before she says anything I say I'm serious I won't do it again.She says okay I hug her and give her a kiss. I leave to my room, feeling so much joy and love.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is adequate for the audience as well as for the task. The author also shows control over sentence structure and word choice. However, the author does not use vivid, descriptive language which would enhance the plot of this story. (“She tells me Mona please stop yelling. I say mom I am not going to stop. She yells go to your room right now young lady. I stomp out of her room and go to mines .But as I am walking towards my room. My eyes start watering, I'm going crazy. I take a deep breath and start counting to ten. In my room get a book and start reading. I also get my radio out and start listening to music.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author of this short, simple essay maintains decent control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. He/she commits few noticeable errors in grammar (“She says okay I hug her and give her a kiss”), punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The people that I love are my parents. My parents influence me to try harder in school. Then they influence me to try not to get in trouble. My parents talk me into not getting in trouble. Some times they say they are going to take my stuff away. They will start taking things like my phone, mp3 player, or even my TV. They take things that I need. I can't live without my TV.

My parents care if I have passing grades or not. They don't want me to fail for the semester or for the year. My mom starts calling my teachers to see if I am passing. If I'm not she will make me stay after school until I get my work turned in.

I can't say that I like it when she does that but at least she cares. Sometimes some of my friends parents don't care if their passing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose of the task. While the author states who he/she loves, the author fails to do so in a narrative form. (“The people that I love are my parents. My parents influence me to try harder in school. Then they influence me to try not to get in trouble. My parents talk me into not getting in trouble. Some times they say they are going to take my stuff away. They will start taking things like my phone, mp3 player, or even my TV. They take things that I need. I can't live without my TV.”) It is likely that the author does not fully understand the audience and purpose of this prompt, and therefore he/she completes only a few parts of the task.

Content & Development

The author provides virtually no details to create a narrative story that would interest and inform a reader. The author starts to explain the love s/he feels for his/her parent, but fails to provide enough descriptive details for the reader. (“My parents care if I have passing grades or not. They don't want me to fail for the semester or for the year. My mom starts calling my teachers to see if I am passing. If I'm not she will make me stay after school until I get my work turned in.”) Such incomplete and inadequate support is characteristic of an essay that is “limited” in its content and development.

Organization

This author does organize the essay into three separate paragraphs—an introduction, body, and conclusion—but fails to create a unified structure. The introduction describes why the author loves his/her parents; however, this explanation should be included in the body paragraph. The single body paragraph continues with the ideas presented in the introduction, as do the concluding sentences. (“I can't say that I like it when she does that but at least she cares. Sometimes some of my friends parents don't care if their passing.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is inappropriate for the assigned task and intended audience. Numerous errors in word choice and sentence structure can be found in this essay. (“Then they influence me to try not to get in trouble. My parents talk me into not getting in trouble. Some times they say they are going to take my stuff away.”) The author is unable to fully define his/her voice in this short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits the author’s minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. He/she commits significant errors in grammar (“My parents talk me into not getting in trouble”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that somewhat interfere with the communication of this message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Me and this girl have been talking for like six weeks and I think she liked me so I asked her out and she said yes so we have been going out for 5 months ands always says she loves me and I tell her I love her to. But before when we weren't going out I Didn't care about school and I Didn't care if I past or not. And I was always in fights in school and gifting into trouble. But now that I'm going out with her I want to stay with her and I want to stay in the same grade as her becuse now I am doing better in school and not gifting into eny more fights. But at first I thought that me and her were gowing to brack up but Iwas rong so that is why I love her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does briefly mention a person he/she loves, a narrative is not developed to share the author’s true feelings. (“Me and this girl have been talking for like six weeks and I think she liked me so I asked her out and she said yes so we have been going out for 5 months ands always says she loves me and I tell her I love her to.”)

Content & Development

This author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this essay, there are no descriptive details that elaborate upon the love this couple shares. (“But before when we weren't going out I Didn't care about school and I Didn't care if I past or not. And I was always in fights in school and gifting into trouble. But now that I'm going out with her I want to stay with her and I want to stay in the same grade as her becuse now I am doing better in school and not gifting into eny more fights. But at first I thought that me and her were gowing to brack up but Iwas rong so that is why I love her.”)

Organization

This author attempts to organize thoughts into a unified structure but fails to fully define an introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction of the essay also serves as both the body paragraph and the conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are simple and poorly structured. (“Me and this girl have been talking for like six weeks and I think she liked me so I asked her out and she said yes so we have been going out for 5 months ands always says she loves me and I tell her I love her to.”) Also, the author’s word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows poor control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. The author’s errors in grammar (“But now that I'm going out with her I want to stay with her and I want to stay in the same grade as her becuse now I am doing better in school and not gifting into eny more fights.”), punctuation, and spelling (“becuse”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

Middle of the Road

Every picture tells a story. Use your imagination and experience to write a story about the picture. Be sure to develop your characters, setting, plot, conflict and resolution.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

The monotonous hum of the bus engine had put her to sleep. Marcie was sleeping with her head against the vibrating window, snoring away. Suddenly, a voice came over the speaker, "Excuse me folks, but I'm sorry to say we are having engine trouble and are going to have to pull over." This woke up Marcie, who was startled by the loud, metallic voice. The bus pulled off to the side of the interstate and the driver stood up and walked out to the back of the bus. There was a click, some cursing, then a giant slam, and the driver entered the bus and said, "We'll have to call a tow truck. Luckily, we're only two miles from the city so another bus will come pick you up." Marcie was disappointed. She wanted to be in Wyoming by night fall, but with the bus broken, she'll never make it. The other bus came and the passengers loaded onto it with their luggage. As she boarded, she thanked the driver for coming to pick them up. The driver turned to stare at her from behind his sunglasses, and then turned back to the wheel.

Marcie walked away wondering what a strange man he was. After about fifteen minutes on the bus, it stopped in front of a hotel and let everyone off. The original driver came off and announced that the original bus won't be fixed for a week, so they can stay here in the hotel. After that, he got back onto the other bus, and drove off to the bus depot. Marcie went into the hotel lobby and stepped up to the front desk. The desk clerk said, "Hi! Welcome to our hotel! Do you need to reserve a room?" The clerk stopped and kept smiling an eerie smile. Marcie replied, "Sure. I only need it for a week. I will be leaving the following week." "No you won't.", said the clerk. "Excuse me?" questioned Marcie, who was quite confused by this response. "Here's your room key! Enjoy!" said the clerk, handing the key over to a puzzled Marcie. "Uhh... Thanks?" said Marcie as she walked to her room. She found her room and started to unpack her belongings. After unpacking, Marcie jumped on the bed and flicked on the TV. Something was wrong though. The television displayed a "Please Standby" signal. She changed the channel. The same thing was displayed. She changed it again. Same. Change. Same. Frustrated with the lousy television service, she decided to stroll into town and see what there was to see.

Marcie eventually found herself in front of the city bus depot. Interested to see if there was an earlier bus to catch, she went on in. Sitting behind the desk was a smiling man watching the television on the wall. Marcie turned to see what was on, but it was the same, old "Please Standby" signal. "May I help you?" The man asked. "Yes, you can." Marcie said, slightly puzzled. "When does the next bus to Wyoming leave?" "Why, that bus leaves in about twenty minutes! Hurry up!" he said. Marcie was full of excitement. She would make it in time after all! She ran back to the hotel and packed her belongings into her suitcase. She checked out of the lobby and walked out as the clerk said, "See you very soon!" Marcie arrived at the bus depot just in time, as the bus was pulling out. She hopped on and sat by herself in the front. She turned off the overhead light and fell into a deep sleep.

"Okay everyone! We're here!" the driver yelled, smiling. Marcie awoke excited to finally be in Wyoming. She picked up her gear and stepped off the bus but was shocked to see what "Wyoming" was. She was right back at the bus depot where she had started! "Hey! What's the big idea here? I was supposed to take the bus to Wyoming, not the "ride around in a circle" bus!" She yelled. "The next bus to Wyoming leaves in twenty minutes! Hurry up or you'll miss it!" said the man behind the desk. She ignored him and walked out of the depot. On the way back to the hotel, she noticed a nervous looking man sitting outside a coffee shop at a table. She walked up and asked, "Is something wrong? Everyone else is smiling and you look very anxious." He looked at her with shaking hands, mumbling, "No way out... no way out... Leave! Leave while you still can! The buses! Yes, the buses... Take your bus out. The city buses never leave! They end up in the same spot! The people... too happy... cursed. Watch out! Leave before they get you too!" Freaked out by his speech, Marcie quickly fled. Only after walking twenty paces did she look back at the man, only he wasn't there; he was gone. Scared, she raced to the hotel and into the lobby. "Nice to see you again!" said the clerk. "How was your vacation?" "Vacation?" Marcie grabbed her phone and looked at the date. Six days had passed since she had gotten on the supposed bus to Wyoming. Marcie grabbed her room key that the clerk had waiting for her and raced to her room. It was already 10:46 at night! "How is this happening?" she thought. Marcie then calmed down and realized it all must be a bad dream; she should go to bed and hopefully, wake up from this nightmare tomorrow.

Marcie awoke the next morning, but it wasn't what she was expecting. The clock revealed she had overslept until 10 AM! Her bus was departing at 10:20! She hurried to get ready to make it in time. She threw her clothes together and rushed out the door and lobby. Marcie sprinted to the depot and as she arrived, she realized she was too late. Her bus was already pulling out and heading down the road into the distance. She grabbed her phone to see if she could call the bus driver because he had given out his number. Regrettably, the signal was dead. She walked into the bus depot and was surprised to see who was behind the counter. It was the man from the coffee shop, from the previous night! "Hi! How may I help you?" He asked, smiling and no longer nervous. "How do I get out of here? Tell me now!" She yelled. "You can't leave and shouldn't leave! We're all one, big, happy family here in the city and growing, one member at a time!" he responded confidently. She stepped back, startled, only to be met with more smiling citizens behind her. She screamed and dropped her bag as they closed in.

"Daddy, how long will it take to get the car fixed?" asked the little girl. "A week, honey. That's what the nice repair man said." said the father. "Look, over there, dear. There's a hotel. We can stay there for the week." said a woman who was walking with the father. They walked up to the hotel and into the lobby. The father spied the front desk and walked up; a cheerful woman approached him from behind the desk. "Hi! I'm Marcie! What can I do for you today?" said the new desk clerk, smiling an eerie smile.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. He/she demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The main character’s struggles as she attempts to escape the strange city and reach her destination in Wyoming are reflectively showcased.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen to the young girl trying to get out of the strange city. Readers are drawn into these experiences and can feel how terrified the young girl is becoming as she realizes what is happening to her. (“‘Nice to see you again!’ said the clerk. ‘How was your vacation?’ ‘Vacation?’ Marcie grabbed her phone and looked at the date. Six days had passed since she had gotten on the supposed bus to Wyoming. Marcie grabbed her room key that the clerk had waiting for her and raced to her room. It was already 10:46 at night! ‘How is this happening?’ she thought. Marcie then calmed down and realized it all must be a bad dream; she should go to bed and hopefully, wake up from this nightmare tomorrow.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the eerie scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the main character’s experience. The writer succeeds in describing the young girl’s circumstances and her subsequent experiences in trying to escape the strange city. (“She walked up and asked, ‘Is something wrong? Everyone else is smiling and you look very anxious.’ He looked at her with shaking hands, mumbling, ‘No way out... no way out... Leave! Leave while you still can! The buses! Yes, the buses... Take your bus out. The city buses never leave! They end up in the same spot! The people... too happy... cursed. Watch out! Leave before they get you too!’ Freaked out by his speech, Marcie quickly fled. Only after walking twenty paces did she look back at the man, only he wasn't there; he was gone. Scared, she raced to the hotel and into the lobby. ‘Nice to see you again!’ said the clerk. ‘How was your vacation?’”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the main character’s experience. (“She walked into the bus depot and was surprised to see who was behind the counter. It was the man from the coffee shop, from the previous night! ‘Hi! How may I help you?’ He asked, smiling and no longer nervous. ’How do I get out of here? Tell me now!’ She yelled. ‘You can't leave and shouldn't leave! We're all one, big, happy family here in the city and growing, one member at a time!’ he responded confidently. She stepped back, startled, only to be met with more smiling citizens behind her. She screamed and dropped her bag as they closed in. ‘Daddy, how long will it take to get the car fixed?’ asked the little girl. ‘A week, honey. That's what the nice repair man said.’ said the father. ‘Look, over there, dear. There's a hotel. We can stay there for the week.’ said a woman who was walking with the father. They walked up to the hotel and into the lobby. The father spied the front desk and walked up; a cheerful woman approached him from behind the desk. ‘Hi! I'm Marcie! What can I do for you today?’ said the new desk clerk, smiling an eerie smile.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are present in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the story. The writer clearly establishes a build up to the revelation of what happens to people who enter the strange city and the main character’s experiences in becoming a member of the city. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s scenarios are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes a strange man who attempted to warn the girl to get out of the city, but it was too late. (“On the way back to the hotel, she noticed a nervous looking man sitting outside a coffee shop at a table. She walked up and asked, ‘Is something wrong? Everyone else is smiling and you look very anxious.’ He looked at her with shaking hands, mumbling, ‘No way out... no way out... Leave! Leave while you still can! The buses! Yes, the buses... Take your bus out. The city buses never leave! They end up in the same spot! The people... too happy... cursed. Watch out! Leave before they get you too!’ Freaked out by his speech, Marcie quickly fled. Only after walking twenty paces did she look back at the man, only he wasn't there; he was gone.”)

There is very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, we find the main character is riding the bus to Wyoming, but mechanical difficulties force her to stay in the strange city for a week. (“After about fifteen minutes on the bus, it stopped in front of a hotel and let everyone off. The original driver came off and announced that the original bus won't be fixed for a week, so they can stay here in the hotel. After that, he got back onto the other bus, and drove off to the bus depot. Marcie went into the hotel lobby and stepped up to the front desk. The desk clerk said, ‘Hi! Welcome to our hotel! Do you need to reserve a room?’ The clerk stopped and kept smiling an eerie smile. Marcie replied, ‘Sure. I only need it for a week. I will be leaving the following week.’ ‘No you won't.’, said the clerk. ‘Excuse me?’ questioned Marcie, who was quite confused by this response.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. The writer provides relevant details about the eerie feeling the main character gets every time she encounters another person in the city. (“‘When does the next bus to Wyoming leave?’ ‘Why, that bus leaves in about twenty minutes! Hurry up!’ he said. Marcie was full of excitement. She would make it in time after all! She ran back to the hotel and packed her belongings into her suitcase. She checked out of the lobby and walked out as the clerk said, ‘See you very soon!’ Marcie arrived at the bus depot just in time, as the bus was pulling out. She hopped on and sat by herself in the front. She turned off the overhead light and fell into a deep sleep. ‘Okay everyone! We're here!’ the driver yelled, smiling. Marcie awoke excited to finally be in Wyoming. She picked up her gear and stepped off the bus but was shocked to see what ‘Wyoming’ was. She was right back at the bus depot where she had started! ‘Hey! What's the big idea here? I was supposed to take the bus to Wyoming, not the ‘ride around in a circle’ bus!’ She yelled. ’The next bus to Wyoming leaves in twenty minutes! Hurry up or you'll miss it!’ said the man behind the desk. She ignored him and walked out of the depot.”)

Organization

Organization is very effective as well. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing a descriptive opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a young girl riding a bus and eagerly awaiting her arrival in Wyoming. (“The monotonous hum of the bus engine had put her to sleep. Marcie was sleeping with her head against the vibrating window, snoring away. Suddenly, a voice came over the speaker, ‘Excuse me folks, but I'm sorry to say we are having engine trouble and are going to have to pull over.’ This woke up Marcie, who was startled by the loud, metallic voice. The bus pulled off to the side of the interstate and the driver stood up and walked out to the back of the bus. There was a click, some cursing, then a giant slam, and the driver entered the bus and said, ‘We'll have to call a tow truck. Luckily, we're only two miles from the city so another bus will come pick you up.’ Marcie was disappointed. She wanted to be in Wyoming by night fall, but with the bus broken, she'll never make it.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“‘Okay everyone! We're here!’ the driver yelled, smiling. Marcie awoke excited to finally be in Wyoming. She picked up her gear and stepped off the bus but was shocked to see what ‘Wyoming’ was. She was right back at the bus depot where she had started! ‘Hey! What's the big idea here? I was supposed to take the bus to Wyoming, not the ‘ride around in a circle’ bus!’ She yelled. ‘The next bus to Wyoming leaves in twenty minutes! Hurry up or you'll miss it!’ said the man behind the desk. She ignored him and walked out of the depot.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the fate of the young girl as she assumes her new role in the strange city. (“‘Daddy, how long will it take to get the car fixed?’ asked the little girl. ‘A week, honey. That's what the nice repair man said.’ said the father. ‘Look, over there, dear. There's a hotel. We can stay there for the week.’ said a woman who was walking with the father. They walked up to the hotel and into the lobby. The father spied the front desk and walked up; a cheerful woman approached him from behind the desk. ‘Hi! I'm Marcie! What can I do for you today?’ said the new desk clerk, smiling an eerie smile.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the main character’s experiences in a very unusual city. (“ Marcie awoke the next morning, but it wasn't what she was expecting. The clock revealed she had overslept until 10 AM! Her bus was departing at 10:20! She hurried to get ready to make it in time. She threw her clothes together and rushed out the door and lobby. Marcie sprinted to the depot and as she arrived, she realized she was too late. Her bus was already pulling out and heading down the road into the distance. She grabbed her phone to see if she could call the bus driver because he had given out his number. Regrettably, the signal was dead.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ On the way back to the hotel, she noticed a nervous looking man sitting outside a coffee shop at a table. She walked up and asked, ‘Is something wrong? Everyone else is smiling and you look very anxious.’ He looked at her with shaking hands, mumbling, ‘No way out... no way out... Leave! Leave while you still can! The buses! Yes, the buses... Take your bus out. The city buses never leave! They end up in the same spot! The people... too happy... cursed. Watch out! Leave before they get you too!’ Freaked out by his speech, Marcie quickly fled. Only after walking twenty paces did she look back at the man, only he wasn't there; he was gone. Scared, she raced to the hotel and into the lobby. ‘Nice to see you again!’ said the clerk. ‘How was your vacation?’ ‘Vacation?’ Marcie grabbed her phone and looked at the date. Six days had passed since she had gotten on the supposed bus to Wyoming.”)

There is strong voice throughout the story. Readers can feel the main character’s fear as she realizes she will never leave the strange city. (“ She walked into the bus depot and was surprised to see who was behind the counter. It was the man from the coffee shop, from the previous night! ‘Hi! How may I help you?’ He asked, smiling and no longer nervous. ‘How do I get out of here? Tell me now!’ She yelled. ‘You can't leave and shouldn't leave! We're all one, big, happy family here in the city and growing, one member at a time!’ he responded confidently. She stepped back, startled, only to be met with more smiling citizens behind her. She screamed and dropped her bag as they closed in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ Marcie eventually found herself in front of the city bus depot. Interested to see if there was an earlier bus to catch, she went on in. Sitting behind the desk was a smiling man watching the television on the wall. Marcie turned to see what was on, but it was the same, old ‘Please Standby’ signal. ‘May I help you?’ The man asked. ‘Yes, you can.’ Marcie said, slightly puzzled. ‘When does the next bus to Wyoming leave?’”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There Susan stood, in the middle of the road, on her way to a college visit for the weekend. As she and her family, the Smithsons, drove into the big city, a small suitcase had fallen off from the top of the car. Mike Smithson, Susan's father, slammed on the brakes and forced the car to come to a squealing halt. Susan stepped out of the car and went to retrieve the piece of luggage. As she bent over to pick up the bag, she started to assess where she was, not literally, but more in a figurative sense. She began to think about the irony of her, a small town girl, attempting to move in a big city, standing in the middle of the road. All of the terribly stressful thoughts about college, real life, and moving out, started rushing to her head, causing her to panic. She started to wonder if she was making the right choices, if she had done all she had to prepare for that very day. Was she ready for college? Or was she kidding herself? She started to think back to just a few months earlier, when she last felt this way.

It was around Thanksgiving time of her senior year when she got the letter. She had applied to a prestigious school in New York City, and had been waiting for a reply. When she got home from school that day she was elated to see a letter from the school on the table. She just stared at it for a minute; debating whether to open it right away, or wait and savor the moment with her family around. But, she could hardly stand the anticipation. She raced to the table and frantically opened the letter without delay. Thankfully she didn't wait for her family, because the news was not exactly what she wanted to hear. The letter read: " We regret to inform you that you are still on the waiting list to be accepted into the school. We have reviewed your transcripts and are afraid you fall short of the average student's requirements. However, we are allowing you to prove yourself to us next semester before we make our final decision. We will be keeping in touch and hope to see you next fall."

Susan was devastated. Why wasn't she instantly accepted? Did they hate her essay? Were her grades not good enough? How was she going to tell her parents? All of these questions rushed through her mind and as soon as they were gone, the tears started to fall. She was a wreck for the next hour until her parents got home. She had to explain what the letter said, and even though they were not happy, her parents accepted it. They decided she could not give up. She had to work extremely hard next semester to ensure she would be accepted into their dream school. She changed her schedule to fit in all of the honors courses she could possibly handle.

Before Susan knew it, it was time for her assessment from the school. She received another letter in the mail. This time she knew not to get her hopes up when she read it. Not to her surprise, the news was not exactly what she had prayed for. The school said they would like to meet with her and her family to discuss their decision. In Susan's mind, she thought she was going to be denied; for good this time. But, her parent's reassured her that if the school was going to deny her, they would not make her drive to the city for a meeting. This came as some relief to Susan. So the family made an appointment for the meeting and started to head for the city.

And that's what brings Susan here. In the middle of the road, right outside of New York City, Susan stands, frantically searching for reassuring thoughts to override the panic that is engulfing her. She is trying to assure herself that this semester was different than the rest. She worked hard and deserved to be accepted into the college. Her family was depending on her to nail the interview and make them proud. Could she do it?

"Susan," her mother yelled, "hurry, we are going to be late for your interview."

And just like that Susan snapped out of it. She was confident that once the Dean met her, there was no way he would be able to tell her she was a "middle of the road" student.

Weeks after the interview, there was another letter waiting on the table for Susan when she arrived home from school. This time the envelope was thicker and her parents were sitting around the table for her to open it. Susan cautiously opened the document and only took a tiny peek to see if she could figure out the news. After a few seconds, a smile emerged on Susan's face, and tears of joy started to fall. She was accepted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains good focus and meaning throughout the story. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer provides relevant descriptions and details.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on the main character’s journey from rejection to acceptance at her college of choice. (“She began to think about the irony of her, a small town girl, attempting to move in a big city, standing in the middle of the road. All of the terribly stressful thoughts about college, real life, and moving out, started rushing to her head, causing her to panic. She started to wonder if she was making the right choices, if she had done all she had to prepare for that very day. Was she ready for college? Or was she kidding herself? She started to think back to just a few months earlier, when she last felt this way.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“Susan was devastated. Why wasn't she instantly accepted? Did they hate her essay? Were her grades not good enough? How was she going to tell her parents? All of these questions rushed through her mind and as soon as they were gone, the tears started to fall. She was a wreck for the next hour until her parents got home. She had to explain what the letter said, and even though they were not happy, her parents accepted it. They decided she could not give up. She had to work extremely hard next semester to ensure she would be accepted into their dream school. She changed her schedule to fit in all of the honors courses she could possibly handle.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. (“And that's what brings Susan here. In the middle of the road, right outside of New York City, Susan stands, frantically searching for reassuring thoughts to override the panic that is engulfing her. She is trying to assure herself that this semester was different than the rest. She worked hard and deserved to be accepted into the college. Her family was depending on her to nail the interview and make them proud. Could she do it? ‘Susan,’ her mother yelled, ‘hurry, we are going to be late for your interview.’ And just like that Susan snapped out of it. She was confident that once the Dean met her, there was no way he would be able to tell her she was a ‘middle of the road’ student.”)

Content & Development

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she recalls the moments before and after her acceptance into the college of her choice. (“It was around Thanksgiving time of her senior year when she got the letter. She had applied to a prestigious school in New York City, and had been waiting for a reply. When she got home from school that day she was elated to see a letter from the school on the table. She just stared at it for a minute; debating whether to open it right away, or wait and savor the moment with her family around. But, she could hardly stand the anticipation. She raced to the table and frantically opened the letter without delay. Thankfully she didn't wait for her family, because the news was not exactly what she wanted to hear. The letter read: ‘ We regret to inform you…”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ There Susan stood, in the middle of the road, on her way to a college visit for the weekend. As she and her family, the Smithsons, drove into the big city, a small suitcase had fallen off from the top of the car. Mike Smithson, Susan's father, slammed on the brakes and forced the car to come to a squealing halt. Susan stepped out of the car and went to retrieve the piece of luggage. As she bent over to pick up the bag, she started to assess where she was, not literally, but more in a figurative sense. She began to think about the irony of her, a small town girl, attempting to move in a big city, standing in the middle of the road.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“And that's what brings Susan here. In the middle of the road, right outside of New York City, Susan stands, frantically searching for reassuring thoughts to override the panic that is engulfing her. She is trying to assure herself that this semester was different than the rest. She worked hard and deserved to be accepted into the college. Her family was depending on her to nail the interview and make them proud. Could she do it? ‘Susan,’ her mother yelled, ‘hurry, we are going to be late for your interview.’ And just like that Susan snapped out of it. She was confident that once the Dean met her, there was no way he would be able to tell her she was a ‘middle of the road’ student.”)

Organization

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ There Susan stood, in the middle of the road, on her way to a college visit for the weekend. As she and her family, the Smithsons, drove into the big city, a small suitcase had fallen off from the top of the car. Mike Smithson, Susan's father, slammed on the brakes and forced the car to come to a squealing halt. Susan stepped out of the car and went to retrieve the piece of luggage. As she bent over to pick up the bag, she started to assess where she was, not literally, but more in a figurative sense. She began to think about the irony of her, a small town girl, attempting to move in a big city, standing in the middle of the road.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Before Susan knew it, it was time for her assessment from the school. She received another letter in the mail. This time she knew not to get her hopes up when she read it. Not to her surprise, the news was not exactly what she had prayed for. The school said they would like to meet with her and her family to discuss their decision. In Susan's mind, she thought she was going to be denied; for good this time. But, her parent's reassured her that if the school was going to deny her, they would not make her drive to the city for a meeting. This came as some relief to Susan. So the family made an appointment for the meeting and started to head for the city.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ Weeks after the interview, there was another letter waiting on the table for Susan when she arrived home from school. This time the envelope was thicker and her parents were sitting around the table for her to open it. Susan cautiously opened the document and only took a tiny peek to see if she could figure out the news. After a few seconds, a smile emerged on Susan's face, and tears of joy started to fall. She was accepted.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Susan was devastated. Why wasn't she instantly accepted? Did they hate her essay? Were her grades not good enough? How was she going to tell her parents? All of these questions rushed through her mind and as soon as they were gone, the tears started to fall. She was a wreck for the next hour until her parents got home. She had to explain what the letter said, and even though they were not happy, her parents accepted it. They decided she could not give up. She had to work extremely hard next semester to ensure she would be accepted into their dream school. She changed her schedule to fit in all of the honors courses she could possibly handle.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ When she got home from school that day she was elated to see a letter from the school on the table. She just stared at it for a minute; debating whether to open it right away, or wait and savor the moment with her family around. But, she could hardly stand the anticipation. She raced to the table and frantically opened the letter without delay. Thankfully she didn't wait for her family, because the news was not exactly what she wanted to hear.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the doubt she is feeling about her future plans. (“ As she bent over to pick up the bag, she started to assess where she was, not literally, but more in a figurative sense. She began to think about the irony of her, a small town girl, attempting to move in a big city, standing in the middle of the road. All of the terribly stressful thoughts about college, real life, and moving out, started rushing to her head, causing her to panic. She started to wonder if she was making the right choices, if she had done all she had to prepare for that very day. Was she ready for college? Or was she kidding herself?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ In the middle of the road, right outside of New York City, Susan stands, frantically searching for reassuring thoughts to override the panic that is engulfing her. She is trying to assure herself that this semester was different than the rest. She worked hard and deserved to be accepted into the college. Her family was depending on her to nail the interview and make them proud. Could she do it?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

This is Sue. She is a seventeen year old teenager that lives in San Francisco, California and doesn't like her life and has decided to run away from home. She is always fighting with her parents. Last night she wanted to go to her friend's birthday party. She asked her parents for permission but her parents said, "No, it is a school night." She started arguing with them but her parents would not change their mind. After the fighting and arguing she went up to her room and slammed the door.

Her parents knew that they were doing the right thing because they knew that it was a school night and she had to go to school the next day. Sue's parents thought that she went up to her room and went to bed, but Sue had other plans. Sue grabbed a suitcase from her closet and filled it up with clothes, shoes, and any other stuff she liked. She started righting a letter to her parents and left it on her bed. She opened up her window and jumped out and left her house and ran away as far as she can. Her parents decided not to go into her room until the next day.

The next day, Sue's parents called Sue down to breakfast. When there was no answer, her mom went up to her room and knocked on her door. When she still didn't get an answer, she opened the door and walked in. She saw the window open and saw the letter on her bed. When she read it, she started crying and called her husband. Mr. Mye saw his wife crying and read the letter and told her, "We'll find her, she'll return home." Sue's parents called the police and gave them a picture of their daughter and told them her description. The police said that they will look for her.

The night Sue ran away from home, she took a bus and is heading to San Diego. In the morning, the bus stopped and she had reached her destination. Once in San Diego, she was lost. She didn't know where to go or what to do. She was all alone and was just wandering around like a lost puppy. She had no money, no home, and no food. She was very hungry. Sue never thought this thing through. She needs food. She misses her family. She wants to go back home, but she doesn't know how to get there. She has used all her money on the trip to San Diego and has no phone or money to call. She starts asking random people if they could give her some change so she can use the public phone. Most of the people ignore her.

She tries and tries, asks and asks and at last a woman sees that she needs change. The woman asks why she needed the change. Sue says that she ran away from home and needs to call her parents. She wants to go back. The woman gave her the change and then gave her some advice and said that the parents are just trying to protect her. She gets the change, thanks the lady, and goes to the pay phone to call her parents. She dials the number and her mom picks up. They are both crying over the phone and Sue tells her parents where she is and they go pick her up.

Her parents are glad that she called them and that they are a family again. Her parents explain to her that they were just trying to protect her and that they worry about her. Sue tells them that she understands because of the lady's advice in San Diego. She loves her parents and promises never to do it again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“Last night she wanted to go to her friend's birthday party. She asked her parents for permission but her parents said, ‘No, it is a school night.’ She started arguing with them but her parents would not change their mind. After the fighting and arguing she went up to her room and slammed the door. Her parents knew that they were doing the right thing because they knew that it was a school night and she had to go to school the next day. Sue's parents thought that she went up to her room and went to bed, but Sue had other plans. Sue grabbed a suitcase from her closet and filled it up with clothes, shoes, and any other stuff she liked. She started righting a letter to her parents and left it on her bed. She opened up her window and jumped out and left her house and ran away as far as she can.”)

The writer focuses on the young girl’s dilemma, and her eventual regret, throughout the narrative. (“Once in San Diego, she was lost. She didn't know where to go or what to do. She was all alone and was just wandering around like a lost puppy. She had no money, no home, and no food. She was very hungry. Sue never thought this thing through. She needs food. She misses her family.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“The next day, Sue's parents called Sue down to breakfast. When there was no answer, her mom went up to her room and knocked on her door. When she still didn't get an answer, she opened the door and walked in. She saw the window open and saw the letter on her bed. When she read it, she started crying and called her husband. Mr. Mye saw his wife crying and read the letter and told her, ‘We'll find her, she'll return home.’ Sue's parents called the police and gave them a picture of their daughter and told them her description. The police said that they will look for her.”)

Content & Development

Development of ideas and content are adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The conflict in the story holds readers’ suspense for what will happen in the narrative. The writer shares some of the characters’ thoughts through the use of very limited dialogue and paraphrasing.

The writer should implement more dialogue in the narrative. (“She asked her parents for permission but her parents said, ‘No, it is a school night.’ She started arguing with them but her parents would not change their mind. After the fighting and arguing she went up to her room and slammed the door.”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“The next day, Sue's parents called Sue down to breakfast. When there was no answer, her mom went up to her room and knocked on her door. When she still didn't get an answer, she opened the door and walked in. She saw the window open and saw the letter on her bed. When she read it, she started crying and called her husband. Mr. Mye saw his wife crying and read the letter and told her, ‘We'll find her, she'll return home.’ Sue's parents called the police and gave them a picture of their daughter and told them her description. The police said that they will look for her.”)

The writer provides a conflict in the story that leads to a satisfactory resolution. (“She had no money, no home, and no food. She was very hungry. Sue never thought this thing through. She needs food. She misses her family. She wants to go back home, but she doesn't know how to get there. She has used all her money on the trip to San Diego and has no phone or money to call. She starts asking random people if they could give her some change so she can use the public phone. Most of the people ignore her. She tries and tries, asks and asks and at last a woman sees that she needs change. The woman asks why she needed the change. Sue says that she ran away from home and needs to call her parents.”)

Organization

The beginning demonstrates an adequate attempt to grab readers’ attention by detailing the conflict that occurs as the story opens. (“ This is Sue. She is a seventeen year old teenager that lives in San Francisco, California and doesn't like her life and has decided to run away from home. She is always fighting with her parents. Last night she wanted to go to her friend's birthday party. She asked her parents for permission but her parents said, ‘No, it is a school night.’ She started arguing with them but her parents would not change their mind. After the fighting and arguing she went up to her room and slammed the door.”)

The writer needs to use more effective transitions to connect events in the story. By doing so, the writer can assist readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“Her parents knew that they were doing the right thing because they knew that it was a school night and she had to go to school the next day. Sue's parents thought that she went up to her room and went to bed, but Sue had other plans. Sue grabbed a suitcase from her closet and filled it up with clothes, shoes, and any other stuff she liked. She started righting a letter to her parents and left it on her bed. She opened up her window and jumped out and left her house and ran away as far as she can. Her parents decided not to go into her room until the next day.”)

The conclusion gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ Her parents are glad that she called them and that they are a family again. Her parents explain to her that they were just trying to protect her and that they worry about her. Sue tells them that she understands because of the lady's advice in San Diego. She loves her parents and promises never to do it again.”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The night Sue ran away from home, she took a bus and is heading to San Diego. In the morning, the bus stopped and she had reached her destination. Once in San Diego, she was lost. She didn't know where to go or what to do. She was all alone and was just wandering around like a lost puppy.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the narrative. The writer provides language that adequately describes the regret the young woman felt when she realized running away was a huge mistake. (“ She had no money, no home, and no food. She was very hungry. Sue never thought this thing through. She needs food. She misses her family. She wants to go back home, but she doesn't know how to get there. She has used all her money on the trip to San Diego and has no phone or money to call. She starts asking random people if they could give her some change so she can use the public phone. Most of the people ignore her.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ She tries and tries, asks and asks and at last a woman sees that she needs change. The woman asks why she needed the change. Sue says that she ran away from home and needs to call her parents. She wants to go back. The woman gave her the change and then gave her some advice and said that the parents are just trying to protect her. She gets the change, thanks the lady, and goes to the pay phone to call her parents.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, while paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ Sue grabbed a suitcase from her closet and filled it up with clothes, shoes, and any other stuff she liked. She started righting a letter to her parents and left it on her bed.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

I am alone;feeling as though no one understands my dreams and asperations.im looking into the mirror but it seems like im looking out a window with no opertunity outside of the place im already at. i wish to start over and begin another life away from what i aaready had. To acoplish some things u haft to set your goals. Some times i find my self diving in not sure of what will come of it but just praying for the best.

My family has tried to completely shut down my dreams,but i could no longer staay around the negative vibes they gave off. To me all i see is pure bitterness they produce.all they ever said was dreams are for the sleep,and that i need to wake up because life is real. Do they take me for a incompetant fool subduced to a simple drem that could never truely be fabricated? I felt like they were fixated on all of my flaws but never realizing there own. At a certain point i understood what i must do. So it has been said,so must it it be done. The plan is to run away!

It was a hard plan to make for me. Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals. I ran untill i could not run any more. I set off on foot,hitch hiked and evn caught a few buses. on my journey with nothing but a suit caise and my dreams i wanted to make into reality. I had only enough money to last me for a month. Were am i going is the question I often here and my answer is always the big city wit those bright lights that i alays seen on telivision;Los Angelos. Oh how tired i was.

A weaks time had passed and continued to travel to the city. I was almost there and when i slept that was the only thing that i could think about. They next day,i continued on until finally....i was there! I cried with tears of joy. The buildings around me stretched as high as the sky its self,and the streets were so crouded. So many diversities of people crossed my path. There were business people,thugs,and then just the average man.

I am sure that i can make this better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“It was a hard plan to make for me. Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals. I ran untill i could not run any more. I set off on foot,hitch hiked and evn caught a few buses. on my journey with nothing but a suit caise and my dreams i wanted to make into reality. I had only enough money to last me for a month. Were am i going is the question I often here and my answer is always the big city wit those bright lights that i alays seen on telivision;Los Angelos. Oh how tired i was.”)

The writer’s focus is limited in the narrative. The writer focuses limited details on the reasons why the young woman is on her own and what happens after she runs away to the city. (“A weaks time had passed and continued to travel to the city. I was almost there and when i slept that was the only thing that i could think about. They next day,i continued on until finally....i was there! I cried with tears of joy. The buildings around me stretched as high as the sky its self,and the streets were so crouded. So many diversities of people crossed my path. There were business people,thugs,and then just the average man. I am sure that i can make this better.”)

The writer provides limited examples in the narrative. For example, the writer mentions that the main character had a man in her life but leaves the readers with questions as to what exactly went wrong in the relationship. In providing more relevant details, readers will be able to fully appreciate the story unfolding in the writer’s mind. (“Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals. I ran untill i could not run any more. I set off on foot,hitch hiked and evn caught a few buses. on my journey with nothing but a suit caise and my dreams i wanted to make into reality.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals a very limited plot, setting, and characters, and it lacks sufficient details to make this more than a summary of a character running away from home. The writer discusses the reasons why the girl is in the middle of the road but does not include a problem in the story. The writer implements only a limited use of paraphrasing to reveal the main character’s inner thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“I am alone;feeling as though no one understands my dreams and asperations.im looking into the mirror but it seems like im looking out a window with no opertunity outside of the place im already at. i wish to start over and begin another life away from what i aaready had. To acoplish some things u haft to set your goals. Some times i find my self diving in not sure of what will come of it but just praying for the best.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer introduces a main character, her family, and a man into the narrative but does not describe them in any way. (“My family has tried to completely shut down my dreams,but i could no longer staay around the negative vibes they gave off. To me all i see is pure bitterness they produce.all they ever said was dreams are for the sleep,and that i need to wake up because life is real. Do they take me for a incompetant fool subduced to a simple drem that could never truely be fabricated? I felt like they were fixated on all of my flaws but never realizing there own. At a certain point i understood what i must do. So it has been said,so must it it be done. The plan is to run away! It was a hard plan to make for me. Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to share the thoughts of characters in the story. However, in a limited way, the writer uses paraphrasing to reveal what the main character is thinking in certain portions of the story. (“Do they take me for a incompetant fool subduced to a simple drem that could never truely be fabricated? I felt like they were fixated on all of my flaws but never realizing there own. At a certain point i understood what i must do. So it has been said,so must it it be done. The plan is to run away!”)

Organization

The beginning attempts to grab readers’ attention in a way that would entice them to continue reading. At the very start, the writer reveals how the main character is feeling about her life as she stands in the middle of the road. (“ I am alone;feeling as though no one understands my dreams and asperations.im looking into the mirror but it seems like im looking out a window with no opertunity outside of the place im already at. i wish to start over and begin another life away from what i aaready had. To acoplish some things u haft to set your goals. Some times i find my self diving in not sure of what will come of it but just praying for the best.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the narrative. (“ It was a hard plan to make for me. Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals. I ran untill i could not run any more. I set off on foot,hitch hiked and evn caught a few buses. on my journey with nothing but a suit caise and my dreams i wanted to make into reality. I had only enough money to last me for a month. Were am i going is the question I often here and my answer is always the big city wit those bright lights that i alays seen on telivision;Los Angelos.”)

The writer does not provide an ending that gives the readers a strong sense of closure. As the story closes, the main character expresses a hope for things in her life to improve, but readers are left to wonder if that happens or not. (“ A weaks time had passed and continued to travel to the city. I was almost there and when i slept that was the only thing that i could think about. They next day,i continued on until finally....i was there! I cried with tears of joy. The buildings around me stretched as high as the sky its self,and the streets were so crouded. So many diversities of people crossed my path. There were business people,thugs,and then just the average man. I am sure that i can make this better.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the narrative. The narrative reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ I had only enough money to last me for a month. Were am i going is the question I often here and my answer is always the big city wit those bright lights that i alays seen on telivision;Los Angelos. Oh how tired i was.”)

The writer does not demonstrate strong voice or style in the narrative. (“ It was a hard plan to make for me. Yes I had a man,and he loved me,but i couldnt be with him and acomplish my goals. I ran untill i could not run any more. I set off on foot,hitch hiked and evn caught a few buses. on my journey with nothing but a suit caise and my dreams i wanted to make into reality.”)

The sentences are too informal, and many word choices are basic and used incorrectly. Combined, they do not effectively communicate the ideas to the intended audience. (“ Do they take me for a incompetant fool subduced to a simple drem that could never truely be fabricated? I felt like they were fixated on all of my flaws but never realizing there own. At a certain point i understood what i must do. So it has been said,so must it it be done. The plan is to run away!”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, begin each sentence with a capital letter, indicate new paragraphs with line breaks, check for correct spelling of words, and ensure proper usage of words within the context of sentences. (“i wish to start over and begin another life away from what i aaready had. To acoplish some things u haft to set your goals. Some times i find my self diving in not sure of what will come of it but just praying for the best.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

One Asian girl is comeing back to her country.She is in the middle of the street and she is looking around. She is a little nervous but she like the way that her country look like. She is on the middle of the street and she is trying to go in the other side. She is stain up in the bridge. Down the bridge is a high way and there are a lot of cars Asian girl is wearing a white jacked and a blue torn jeans wearing a black t-shirt inside the jacked. She is keeping a meddium baggage in her hand eyes are small,her nose is small to. She have a long black hair and small ears wearing a white sandals.

This Asian girl is stain in the street on the middle of the bridge. She cannot belived how beatiful her country is. She is like Oh is amaizing!!! Notheing else is more beatiful than your country! Notheing else is more beatiful than your home. I think she will do some buissnes or she just come back to her country next some years. Her family is going to be very happy to see her come back. Mayebe she will hurt herself carrying a heavy baggage. Mayebe she is waiting for her boyfriend. We are going to know later,but you have to read the magazine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the narrative and demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The narrative minimally states the main event of the story. (“One Asian girl is comeing back to her country.She is in the middle of the street and she is looking around.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the story behind the young girl standing in the middle of the road. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“She is a little nervous but she like the way that her country look like. She is on the middle of the street and she is trying to go in the other side. She is stain up in the bridge.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I think she will do some buissnes or she just come back to her country next some years. Her family is going to be very happy to see her come back. Mayebe she will hurt herself carrying a heavy baggage. Mayebe she is waiting for her boyfriend.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is developed minimally as well. The writer briefly addresses why the young lady is standing in the middle of the road, but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message. (“This Asian girl is stain in the street on the middle of the bridge. She cannot belived how beatiful her country is. She is like Oh is amaizing!!! Notheing else is more beatiful than your country! Notheing else is more beatiful than your home. I think she will do some buissnes or she just come back to her country next some years. Her family is going to be very happy to see her come back.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or developed characters. There are only minimal descriptions of the setting and characters. (“Down the bridge is a high way and there are a lot of cars Asian girl is wearing a white jacked and a blue torn jeans wearing a black t-shirt inside the jacked. She is keeping a meddium baggage in her hand eyes are small,her nose is small to. She have a long black hair and small ears wearing a white sandals.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not sufficiently developed. (“She is like Oh is amaizing!!! Notheing else is more beatiful than your country! Notheing else is more beatiful than your home.”)

Organization

The story’s beginning does little to engage readers. (“ One Asian girl is comeing back to her country.She is in the middle of the street and she is looking around. She is a little nervous but she like the way that her country look like.”)

Transitions are used minimally to connect events in the story. By including more effective transitions, the writer can create an effective flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ This Asian girl is stain in the street on the middle of the bridge. She cannot belived how beatiful her country is. She is like Oh is amaizing!!! Notheing else is more beatiful than your country! Notheing else is more beatiful than your home. I think she will do some buissnes or she just come back to her country next some years.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the main character may have learned through the experiences in the story, and it does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ Mayebe she is waiting for her boyfriend. We are going to know later,but you have to read the magazine.”)

Language Use & Style

Exact words are missing, and errors in syntax are evident. These errors impede the readers’ ability to follow the writer’s narrative with understanding. (“ She is a little nervous but she like the way that her country look like. She is on the middle of the street and she is trying to go in the other side. She is stain up in the bridge.”)

Sentences in the narrative are short and choppy. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Her family is going to be very happy to see her come back. Mayebe she will hurt herself carrying a heavy baggage. Mayebe she is waiting for her boyfriend.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ She is keeping a meddium baggage in her hand eyes are small,her nose is small to. She have a long black hair and small ears wearing a white sandals.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal. There are patterns of error in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“She cannot belived how beatiful her country is. She is like Oh is amaizing!!! Notheing else is more beatiful than your country!”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

This girl is in the middle of the road because she got into a fight with her father and she run away from her house. Before she left the house she took a suitcase with her ran away but she doesn' t have a place to go to. She can go to a friends house but her father will call or go to her closes friends house to see if she is there she wont go to a close friend house. She will think about a friend that she is not too close, but that is a good person that will open the door of her house to the girl. The phrase middle of the road means that you are undersire were you going to go.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the beginning, the purpose of the story is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the main theme of the story. (“ This girl is in the middle of the road because she got into a fight with her father and she run away from her house.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“The phrase middle of the road means that you are undersire were you going to go.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Before she left the house she took a suitcase with her ran away but she doesn' t have a place to go to. She can go to a friends house but her father will call or go to her closes friends house to see if she is there she wont go to a close friend house.”)

Content & Development

The setting is not developed, and providing details about the characters’ surroundings helps readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ This girl is in the middle of the road because she got into a fight with her father and she run away from her house.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“She can go to a friends house but her father will call or go to her closes friends house to see if she is there she wont go to a close friend house”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“She will think about a friend that she is not too close, but that is a good person that will open the door of her house to the girl.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on telling a story that would reveal, in great detail, the reasons why a woman finds herself in the middle of the road. (“ This girl is in the middle of the road because she got into a fight with her father and she run away from her house. Before she left the house she took a suitcase with her ran away but she doesn' t have a place to go to.”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ She can go to a friends house but her father will call or go to her closes friends house to see if she is there she wont go to a close friend house. She will think about a friend that she is not too close, but that is a good person that will open the door of her house to the girl.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ The phrase middle of the road means that you are undersire were you going to go.”)

Language Use & Style

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ This girl is in the middle of the road because she got into a fight with her father and she run away from her house.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ She can go to a friends house but her father will call or go to her closes friends house to see if she is there she wont go to a close friend house.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure. (“She will think about a friend that she is not too close, but that is a good person that will open the door of her house to the girl.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Positive Influence

Write an essay about someone who influenced you in a positive way.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How often do you meet someone that changes your life forever? Someone that you become close to and they change your life forever. Rarely do you meet someone that can become that important to you. But that is exactly what happened to me last year, and what a blessing it was. Last year, I met Whitney.

It’s not an easy thing to describe, how much of an impact she has had on my life. Trying to describe her impact on me would be like trying to count ripples in a pond. At first, the ripples would be obvious and easier to see. However, as time went on, the multitude of ripples would fill the pond and you could not tell one from another.

I first met Whitney during summer band my freshman year. The freshmen were meeting with the section leaders to practice stand tunes. She struck up a conversation and profusely apologized for being sweaty because of marching. The conversation grew from there and we became good friends very quickly. As band went on we became closer and closer and talked more and more.

When I first met Whitney, I was unsure about myself. Questions still drifted through as to who I was. It was as though my identity was in a fog, and Whitney was the light that pierced through and showed me who I was. Being with Whitney helped me see what I liked and didn’t like. She brought out traits in me that I had no idea I had.

One of the biggest impacts she has had on me is in band. She has helped me become one of the leaders of the band. At first, I was unsure about myself and my abilities in band, but then she boosted my confidence to new heights. Whenever I make a mistake, she is always there to encourage me and help me get back together. Whitney is the reason I am so successful in band.

As I look back, it is hard for me to imagine who I would be if I didn’t know her. So much of me has been influenced by Whitney that I would be a completely different person if I didn't know her. Her enthusiasm about everything she does has rubbed off on me. Everything I do now I do with all my heart. Her ability to stay positive in all situations is a great inspiration to me when I am having trouble.

Whitney is the most caring person I have ever met. Her unending selflessness is what makes her such a truly amazing friend. Any time I have ever needed help or advice she has always been there for me. If life is a road, then she has been the guiding hand that has pulled me through the icy spots and bumps in the road without ever faltering. It means so much to know that no matter what, there is that one person willing to help. No matter how many times I have stumbled and fallen in my pursuits, she has always been there to lift me back with words of encouragement and a push down the right path.

Not only has Whitney always been there for me, but she is also the most fun person to be around. From the movies to the dinners, and the band trips to the socials, every second I spend with her is so very important to me. She has introduced me to so many of her friends and family; so many amazing people that I would never have known without her. Every time I look back on the memories we’ve shared together I can’t help but smile.

Whitney has had a huge impact on my life. I couldn’t ask for a better friend than her. Always making positives out of negatives, she is the best person to talk to if you are having trouble. If there is one thing I am most thankful for, it is meeting Whitney and being best friends with her. There is no one else that could come near to being like her. She is truly an amazing friend, and a friend I feel truly blessed to have.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has a very effective focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, providing description and vivid details regarding the person who influenced him/her. The writer also establishes the main idea of the essay early on in the introduction, clearly staying focused and on target. (“Rarely do you meet someone that can become that important to you. But that is exactly what happened to me last year, and what a blessing it was. Last year, I met Whitney.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very effective and well developed. The writer describes the person who influenced him/her with a variety of details and descriptions. The writer’s friend is described so vividly that the reader feels like he/she knows her. (“One of the biggest impacts she has had on me is in band. She has helped me become one of the leaders of the band. At first, I was unsure about myself and my abilities in band, but then she boosted my confidence to new heights. Whenever I make a mistake, she is always there to encourage me and help me get back together. Whitney is the reason I am so successful in band.”)

Organization

This essay is organized very effectively with a number of paragraphs. The author even captures the reader’s attention with a clever opening. (“How often do you meet someone that changes your life forever? Someone that you become close to and they change your life forever. Rarely do you meet someone that can become that important to you. But that is exactly what happened t o me last year, and what a blessing it was. Last year, I met Whitney.”) In addition, the conclusion pulls the entire essay together and leaves the reader with no questions left unanswered, while excellent transitions enable the essay to flow smoothly. (“Not only has Whitney always been there for me, but she is also the most fun person to be around.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied, and figurative language is even used to add color to the writing. (“ Trying to describe her impact on me would be like trying to count ripples in a pond. At first, the ripples would be obvious and easier to see. However, as time went on, the multitude of ripples would fill the pond and you could not tell one from another.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay, with few to no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“No matter how many times I have stumbled and fallen in my pursuits, she has always been there to lift me back with words of encouragement and a push down the right path.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It all started when I was just four years old. My piano teacher had to move back to her hometown and so, my parents were looking for someone else to teach me. Fortunately, my former teacher gave me some addresses and my parents were supposed to evaluate a suitable candidate that would work well with me. We had no luck for the next past weeks because there was no one suitable so far. Unless we found someone, I wouldn’t be able to play the piano any longer.

I thought it was the end of my piano career until my parents finally found someone. The teacher’s name was Cathy Smith and she welcomed me into her studio with open arms. However, my parents had to pay one hundred dollars each month for these particular lessons. Nevertheless, her lessons were enjoyable and I have taken piano lessons from her up till now.

The first time I met Mrs. Smith, I didn’t really trust her that much simply because I just met her. But now, I’ve come to know her as a person who would understand everything that I would say. If I had any issues, the first p e rson I would think about talking to would be her because I completely trust her and she has guided me along my path in the good direction. She would always give me great advice when it came to school and scholarships. This way, I would set myself important goals that would be necessary for me to achieve.

But then recently, she had some news to talk to me about. She was going to move closer to her mom in another state in the end of my school year. I understood her, so I wasn’t really all that upset about it. But still, this meant that she wouldn’t be teaching me anymore and that I wouldn’t have a proper adult to talk to. In other words, she was actually more than a piano teacher. To me, she was my mentor.

She meant a lot to me because I had known her ever since kindergarten and I would never forget all her contributions to me. “Anyway, life goes on and you should always think back to the good memories.” That was one of her quotes and I will always remember it. But, I still have a year left with her and I will be there for her until the end.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay’s focus and meaning are good, demonstrating a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The influential person is described well, and relevant details regarding the writer’s piano teacher are provided that are all relevant to the essay’s focus. (“I thought it was the end of my piano career until my parents finally found someone. The teacher’s name was Cathy Smith and she welcomed me into her studio with open arms.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is developed well. Although the essay, overall, has fewer details than the previous one, a number of details regarding the writer’s relationship with the piano teacher are provided. (“If I had any issues, the first person I would think about talking to would be her because I completely trust her and she has guided me along my path in the good direction. She would always give me great advice when it came to school and scholarships.”) Background regarding the writer’s situation before the teacher entered his/her life is also included. A conflict is even established that heightens the reader’s suspense, as the writer explains that his/her piano teacher is moving away, and he/she will need to find a new teacher. (“But then recently, she had some news to talk to me about. She was going to move closer to her mom in another state in the end of my school year. I understood her, so I wasn’t really all that upset about it. But still, this meant that she wouldn’t be teaching me anymore and that I wouldn’t have a proper adult to talk to. In other words, she was actually more than a piano teacher. To me, she was my mentor.”)

Organization

This essay is organized well with five paragraphs that include proper opening and concluding paragraphs. The opening of the essay excites readers to continue reading. (“It all started when I was just four years old. My piano teacher had to move back to her hometown and so, my parents were looking for someone else to teach me. … I thought it was the end of my piano career until my parents finally found someone. The teacher’s name was Cathy Smith and she welcomed me into her studio with open arms.”) The narrative flows smoothly from one paragraph to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides the reader with a sense of completeness. (“She meant a lot to me because I had known her ever since kindergarten and I would never forget all her contributions to me. … But, I still have a year left with her and I will be there for her until the end.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety . (“But still, this meant that she wouldn’t be teaching me anymore and that I wouldn’t have a proper adult to talk to. In other words, she was actually more than a piano teacher. To me, she was my mentor.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay. The f ew errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the author’s message. (“ Nevertheless, her lessons were enjoyable and I have taken piano lessons from her up till now.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I have never liked being on stage or in the spotlight. That said, I have no idea why I ever signed up for a theatre class. Even once I had started my first class, I still hated performing, and honestly, that would probably never change. However, one person in that classroom would make it make it all better, and her name was Mrs. Margaret Jones.

It was her first year teaching and she was very enthusiastic about her new job, though that didn’t make a difference to me, I still hated performing. Unfortunately, our first major assignment was a speech about our interests, an activity that would require public speaking. I saw this as an opportunity to express my disdain for performing in an easy and effective way. At that point onward Mrs. Jones began giving me opportunites to explore the backstage world of technical theatre.

Mrs. Jones realized as soon as I delivered my speech that I was not meant to be a performer. I had said that my interests were far from the spotlight, I would much rather be backstage. At that point, she began giving me jobs on the current productions that would engage me in technical theatre. She even allowed me to go to competition with the One Act play on the 4 man tech crew, an experience I will always cherish. It was then that I fell in love with lighting and it was all because of the opportunities she gave me.

I don’t know what I would have done with myself for the past three years if I hadn’t decided to make that bold move and take theatre. Even though it didn’t exactly start off with a bang, Mrs. Jones quickly made theatre something I too could enjoy without having to take center stage. To this day, I still consider her my most dear and favorite teacher. She changed my life by giving me the opportunities that she did and now, thanks to her, I have found a hobby that will remain with me all my life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are adequate. A basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated by the writer. Relevant descriptions and details are provided regarding the writer’s experience with the person who influenced him/her, which are relevant to the story. (“Even once I had started my first class, I still hated performing, and honestly, that would probably never change. However, one person in that classroom would make it make it all better, and her name was Mrs. Margaret Jones.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains adequate content and development. Although more brief than the previous essays and with fewer paragraphs, the writer still provides a reasonably developed essay with good details to describe this influential person. (“At that point, she began giving me jobs on the current productions that would engage me in technical theatre. She even allowed me to go to competition with the One Act play on the 4 man tech crew, an experience I will always cherish. It was then that I fell in love with lighting and it was all because of the opportunities she gave me.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The author provides an interesting opening to the essay that keeps the reader’s attention. (“I have never liked being on stage or in the spotlight. That said, I have no idea why I ever signed up for a theatre class. Even once I had started my first class, I still hated performing, and honestly, that would probably never change. However, one person in that classroom would make it make it all better, and her name was Mrs. Margaret Jones.”) Although transitions are inconsistent, the essay generally flows smoothly from one event to another. A conclusion that sums up the essay nicely is also provided. (“I don’t know what I would have done with myself for the past three years if I hadn't decided to make that bold move and take theatre. Even though it didn't exactly start off with a bang, Mrs. Jones quickly made theatre something I too could enjoy without having to take center stage. To this day, I still consider her my most dear and favorite teacher. She changed my life by giving me the opportunities that she did and now, thanks to her, I have found a hobby that will remain with me all my life.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ Even once I had started my first class, I still hated performing, and honestly, that would probably never change. However, one person in that classroom would make it make it all better, and her name was Mrs. Margaret Jones.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“At that point onward Mrs. Jones began giving me opportunites to explore the backstage world of technical theatre.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The person who influenced me the most, was probably my cousin, because he was the person that taught me to always do my best and always try my hardest in everything I do. This all started in the year of 2000, I was seven years old, and I was extremely lazy in everything I do. Like when I play games, I never finished them, or when I played sports, I leave in the middle of the game. I was really lazy when I was younger, I mean really lazy.

It all started when I was fighting agaist my cousin in this fighting game during the afternoon. I was losing really badly, and then I suddenly stoped playing, and left. My cousin asked me, why was I quitting, and I told him, that I was losing, and did not wanted to play anymore. He said that, if I wanted to win, try harder, and always do your best. At first I did not really believe him, but everytime I think about it, he maybe right.

So, then I started to do everthing more seriously, and with more effort. It pays off to, ever since I started doing my best, I manage to win sometimes, bust loses every once in a while. When I played sports, I played it through, and did not give up. When I play games, I finished it, and try to go beyond. Then the moment of truth came, a match agaist my cousin in this fighting game. It started out fiercly, but in the end, I lost. My cousin told me, that I was great, and that I did not quit during the match. So on that day, my cousin influenced me not to quit anymore, and to always see it through no matter what.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. There are fewer details and descriptions provided about the influential person than in the previous essays. (“The person who influenced me the most, was probably my cousin, because he was the person that taught me to always do my best and always try my hardest in everything I do. This all started in the year of 2000, I was seven years old, and I was extremely lazy in everything I do.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are limited in this essay. The essay only consists of three paragraphs, with an underdeveloped body paragraph. This essay lacks the details and description of the previous essays. (“It all started when I was fighting agaist my cousin in this fighting game during the afternoon. I was losing really badly, and then I suddenly stoped playing, and left. My cousin asked me, why was I quitting, and I told him, that I was losing, and did not wanted to play anymore. He said that, if I wanted to win, try harder, and always do your best. At first I did not really believe him, but everytime I think about it, he maybe right.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in this three-paragraph essay. An adequate opening is provided, yet transitions are few and weak. (“So, then I started to do everthing more seriously, and with more effort. It pays off to, ever since I started doing my best, I manage to win sometimes, bust loses every once in a while.”) The conclusion, however, adequately sums up the writer’s experience.

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. (“Like when I play games, I never finished them, or when I played sports, I leave in the middle of the game. I was really lazy when I was younger, I mean really lazy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“It all started when I was fighting agaist my cousin in this fighting game during the afternoon. I was losing really badly, and then I suddenly stoped playing, and left. My cousin asked me, why was I quitting, and I told him, that I was losing, and did not wanted to play anymore.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

the person who changed my life is my friend cameron.the reason i picked cameron is because he hav allways been ther in my life even since 6th grade, he was my first friend when i moved to carollton.walters is what i call him and it's allso his last name.Most people judge him befor they know him and thats not cool,because he i a godd person in so many ways.I used to live by him till i moved and that wasent good for me because i dont know much people over at my new house.cameron is like the brother i never had and im like his brother i guess you could say.

We would just mess around and do some crazy stuff like skateboard and play football with some little kids down the street.We allways win so it wasent hard at all to beat them.i would do any thing for my friends and i hope they know that and im pretty sure they would do the same for me.I have known him ever since we where in 6th grade till now.He is the best person you will ever meet,and he is realy funny to.I hang out with him almose every day and when where not hanging out then we are just chilin at the house.

he is my bestfriend and he always will be my friend for life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are minimal. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Some descriptions and details are provided that seem to stray from the point of the essay. ( “We allways win so it wasent hard at all to beat them.”) In addition, the writer merely discusses activities he and his friend would partake in, rather than delve into how his friend influenced him in a positive way. (“We would just mess around and do some crazy stuff like skateboard and play football with some little kids down the street. … He is the best person you will ever meet,and he is realy funny to.I hang out with him almose every day and when where not hanging out then we are just chilin at the house.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is developed minimally, as the writer merely discusses the activities he and his friend would participate in as kids. The author’s friend is not fully described and, therefore, does not stand out to the reader as making a positive impact on the writer’s life. (“We would just mess around and do some crazy stuff like skateboard and play football with some little kids down the street.We allways win so it wasent hard at all to beat them.i would do any thing for my friends and i hope they know that and im pretty sure they would do the same for me.I have known him ever since we where in 6th grade till now.He is the best person you will ever meet,and he is realy funny to.I hang out with him almose every day and when where not hanging out then we are just chilin at the house.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization, as it only consists of two fully-developed paragraphs. The first paragraph appears to be the introduction, while the second paragraph consists of the body of the essay. However, the conclusion is minimally developed, as it only consists of one sentence without a transitional phrase. (“he is my bestfriend and he always will be my friend for life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, is demonstrated. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent. Furthermore, the language used in this essay is closer to that of spoken, rather than written, language. (“We would just mess around and do some crazy stuff like skateboard and play football with some little kids down the street.We allways win so it wasent hard at all to beat them.i would do any thing for my friends and i hope they know that and im pretty sure they would do the same for me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“the person who changed my life is my friend cameron.the reason i picked cameron is because he hav allways been ther in my life even since 6th grade, he was my first friend when i moved to carollton.walters is what i call him and it's allso his last name.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“Thank’s for your help. We couldn't have don it without you.” Wich was true It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had h el p us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar. I was lucky to find and met him a two weeks ago.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. A lmost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated, and very few details are provided as to how the person mentioned influenced the writer in a positive manner. (“‘Thank’s for your help. We couldn't have don it without you.’ Wich was true It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had help us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar. I was lucky to find and met him a two weeks ago.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are inadequate. The essay only consists of one underdeveloped paragraph. The author fails to provide any details regarding what makes the person mentioned a positive influence in his life rather than just a person he likes. (“‘Thank’s for your help. We couldn't have don it without you.’ Wich was true It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had help us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar. I was lucky to find and met him a two weeks ago.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one underdeveloped paragraph, without a formal introduction or conclusion. A quote is also provided in the beginning, which seems out of place. (“‘Thank’s for your help. We couldn't have don it without you.’ Wich was true It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had help us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar. I was lucky to find and met him a two weeks ago.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. U nclear language and word choice are demonstrated, in addition to a lack of audience awareness. M ajor errors in usage and sentence structure are apparent as well. (“It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had help us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar. I was lucky to find and met him a two weeks ago.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Errors are so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message. (“‘Thank’s for your help. We couldn't have don it without you.’ Wich was true It was a new friend that I recently met at school. He had help us play at my cousins wedding because we needed one more musician to play guitar.”)

Real Courage

Courage often enables people to face danger, fear, or change. Think of a time when you did something that took real courage. You might have taken a risk, stood up for something you believed was right, or did something that others thought you couldn't.

Write a narrative describing the event. Tell what happened and how the experience affected you.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I were to walk up to random people on the street and quiz them on who they considered a hero, I would be sure to get quite a variety of answers, all the way from Superman to Cinderella. Everyone enjoys stories of mystical fairytale characters. The stories you hear are routine; where the dashing "Prince Charming" achieves the impossible, saves the tragically beautiful "Damsel in Distress" from the clutches of some "Dastardly Fiend" in the nick of time and everyone is certain to live happily every after. When asked about courage, this is going to be the general idea of most. Courage is when someone goes through the most fantastic trial and proves his/her worth to the whole world. Is that really true, though? If that were so, then most of our heroes wouldn't even be real. I know of a quieter idea of courage, which people are showing everyday of their lives. Believe it or not, but I have even shown courage in a way of my very own.

One calm evening, the wonderfully peaceful kind where everything is simply perfect and only happens every so often, I was outside my home with not a care in the world. Enjoying the warm breeze that told of summer coming, I sat on my hammock caught up in a rapturous book of brave knights and terrible dragons. Little did I know that my life was going to get just as frantic as the characters in my story. The peaceful still was shattered, along with my lazy life that I had known for some time, when my younger sister, Stephanie, called to me from across the yard. I ran inside and snatched the phone before my sister broke my caller’s eardrums with her yelling, and breathlessly said, “Hello.”

"Hi!" My friend Kylie answered a little nervously. "Um... Ok, listen, Sister Smith just called me and asked something." She paused.

"What about?" I asked curiously.

"Well, I'm sorry," she said, "but I kind of volunteered us to sing in church next Sunday."

"You WHAT?" I asked shocked

Kylie finished quickly "She just asked me out of the blue! I couldn't say no, so I said you would, too."

"You didn't even ask me!!!" I shrieked. "Kylie, how could you! I can't sing in front of the whole church! What are we going to do?"

"Sorry." Kylie said weakly.

I sighed into the phone then bit my lip and frowned. I was in choir at school and did pretty well, but I had never in my life even dreamed of singing with only one other person in front of an entire congregation. “How could Kylie do this?” I thought, but even as I did, I felt badly. This wasn’t really her fault. I bit my lip and frowned. We were just going to have to tough this one out.

I stayed on the phone with Kylie for a while, complaining about how unfair our lives were and asking each other over and over what on earth we were going to do. We finally hung up to go to bed. I was in a ferocious mood. If someone had given me the choice, I would rather have hugged a porcupine than sing on Sunday. I spent half the night laying on my back making faces at the ceiling and stewing about my next performance. This was my last week of school before summer vacation and I had wanted to just be lazy around the house and have a huge party with friends on Saturday. Planning a duet and worrying would take up all my time. I fell into an uneasy sleep and dreamed of singing porcupines dancing upside down across my ceiling.

The next morning I decided to get everything ready so I could at least enjoy some of my week. Over a breakfast of soggy corn Chex I asked my mom if she could find some easy music for Kylie and me to use. "Sorry," she said, "but I'll be busy today. But you can find some music yourself."

I looked up in surprise "How am I supposed to do that? I can't drive anywhere."

"Just ask Sister Jones if she could dig you up something. I know she has lots of music. She could probably even play for you."

I looked at my mom as if she were daft. If the situation were different, I probably would have laughed. She couldn't be serious, could she? That was one of the scariest things my mom has ever suggested to me. I would have to call some lady I didn't even know, plan a time to go over and find music all on my own? Did my mom really expect that of me? It was as if someone had dragged me by my ankles from my comfort zone in the middle of the night, and dumped me on a street full of laughing people. This was all too much. A feeling of hopelessness filled me as I walked to the bus stop later. I now had a little visit planned after school with a mysterious Mrs. Jones. All that on top of a math test first period. I groaned. This was going to be a long week.

Kylie and I left Sister Jones's home later that evening, clutching an easy piece of music and feeling a bit more mature. We felt we had acted like responsible, seasoned adults and had handled the flustering situation gracefully. Sister Jones had promised to play for us on Sunday and all Kylie and I had to do was learn the music. I was so relieved. I felt I could float off the sidewalk with the depressing weight lifted off my shoulders. I was brought crashing back down to the pavement when Kylie suggested we practice right that very moment. I had almost forgotten that we still had to be brave enough to walk up to the stand and show them something as close to me as my voice. How much more of this could I take? I almost felt singing was a bit of a secret to me, and I wasn't too keen on showing it off. I reluctantly agreed to go to Kylie’s house to practice.

The week flew by so fast. Even my dread that I had carried around everywhere, which must have weighed at least 2000 lb., did nothing to slow things down. The only thing noteworthy that happened was a call I received from Sister Jones. She caused my heart to stop when she said that she couldn't play for us. The rest of that day was spent frantically making phone calls to see if I could find someone to play for me and Kylie on such short notice. Finally Sister Brown, yet another stranger, agreed.

Kylie and I spent every waking moment practicing our song, but it never seemed good enough. Sister Brown proved to be a life saver. She had played for people countless times and new exactly what and how we should do things. We had our party on Saturday and, for a moment, forgot our inescapable doom. But I remembered everything all too clearly when Sunday morning dawned bright and early. I woke with a feeling of utter loneliness. No one could possibly know what I was feeling.

I got up early, and turned off my alarm before it rang. I hadn't slept all night, so it was easy to know when to get up. The morning was a blur. I just somehow ended up at church early, not knowing how on earth I got there. Kylie and I had one last practice with Sister Brown, and then we got to wait. That meeting was awful. I couldn't concentrate on anything and felt sick. Half the time I wanted the clock to hurry so it all could be over, the other half I wanted the time to slow down as much as possible, so maybe our performance would never come. When the proceedings of the meeting were being announced, I held my breath and hoped beyond hope that by some small miracle, Kylie and I would be forgotten. But, of course, we weren't.

I rose slowly and dragged my feet forward up to the stand. “If only I could be that person, or that person, or even my shoes or that hymn book.” I thought desperately. Anything would have been better then being myself at that moment. I stood ridged next to Kylie and stared blankly at our audience. I might have started drooling and let my brain slide out of my ear if Sister Brown hadn't started playing. I stared at the microphone and began shakily with the first notes.

At first I was terrified. I was as near to tears as I have ever been. But then slowly, I realized I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew this song inside out and backwards. I began to sing stronger and with a bit more feeling. Gathering all the strength I could possibly muster, I slowly looked up. A pink blur swam around in my vision. I swayed a bit and clutched the podium for balance. My eyes finally focused after a moment and I found myself staring at my little 2 year old brother. He was grinning and pointing me out to the rest of my family. I felt a ghost of a smile flickered across my face. I looked past my brother from one person to the next and was shocked. This wasn't what I had expected. I knew these people. There was my neighbor, my Sunday school teacher, and the kids I baby-sit. I knew them all and they were smiling encouragingly at me. Sorry porcupine, but you're not getting a hug today.

Our song was over so fast I almost wanted it to be longer, but not that badly. Floating on cloud nine, I returned to my seat and grinned at Kylie as she passed. I sighed and felt all of the tension that had been building up for the past week flow right out of me. I had done one of the scariest things in my life, and I had actually survived it. I had given out free samples of my heart, and actually felt amazing. As I thought about it, I realized that not only had I sung, but I had organized most of it. I had found what to sing and someone to play for us. Feeling quite a bit older than I had the week before, I leaned back in my chair and reveled in this new, empowering feeling. I decided that this was my own way of showing all the courage I possess.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful response, the author identifies and maintains a thorough understanding of the purpose of the assignment. The task is completed at a high level through an exceptional analysis of the courage this student displayed. The development of the essay is centered on a particularly focused thesis statement. (“I know of a quieter idea of courage, which people are showing everyday of their lives. Believe it or not, but I have even shown courage in a way of my very own.”) The description and details presented are all relevant to the story and essential to the central idea. All parts of the task are aptly completed.

Content & Development

In the response, the author develops the thesis by incorporating very effective details and examples to describe the setting and plot. (“One calm evening, the wonderfully peaceful kind where everything is simply perfect and only happens every so often, I was outside my home with not a care in the world. Enjoying the warm breeze that told of summer coming, I sat on my hammock caught up in a rapturous book of brave knights and terrible dragons. Little did I know that my life was going to get just as frantic as the characters in my story.”) The student is very effective in establishing conflicts and tensions and successfully revealing characters’ thoughts through dialogue.

Organization

This essay is organized in a highly effective manner. The introduction begins with an attention-grabbing opening (“If I were to walk up to random people on the street and quiz them on who they considered a hero, I would be sure to get quite a variety of answers, all the way from Superman to Cinderella. Everyone enjoys stories of mystical fairytale characters.”). The essay flows smoothly because of excellent transitions (“finally”, “next”, “later that evening”) and chronological sequencing. The conclusion pulls the entire story together. (“As I thought about it, I realized that not only had I sung, but I had organized most of it. I had found what to sing and someone to play for us. Feeling quite a bit older than I had the week before, I leaned back in my chair and reveled in this new, empowering feeling. I decided that this was my own way of showing all the courage I possess.”)

Language Use & Style

This response is composed with exceptionally effective language use and style. The student’s precise word choice and defined voice are hallmarks of this response. (“The stories you hear are routine; where the dashing "Prince Charming" achieves the impossible, saves the tragically beautiful "Damsel in Distress" from the clutches of some "Dastardly Fiend" in the nick of time and everyone is certain to live happily every after.” and “I rose slowly and dragged my feet forward up to the stand. ‘If only I could be that person, or that person, or even my shoes or that hymn book.’ I thought desperately.”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“It was as if someone had dragged me by my ankles from my comfort zone in the middle of the night, and dumped me on a street full of laughing people. This was all too much. A feeling of hopelessness filled me as I walked to the bus stop later.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control over the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. (“The peaceful still was shattered, along with my lazy life that I had known for some time, when my younger sister, Stephanie, called to me from across the yard. I ran inside and snatched the phone before my sister broke my caller’s eardrums with her yelling, and breathlessly said, ‘Hello.’)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hello, my name is Jordan . I am a skinny, blonde haired kid, with blue eyes that reflect the sunlight. Last summer I choose to do something courageous, and that was jumping off a 55 foot cliff at Lake Powell . Jumping off the cliff was hard for me, and it took me courage to accomplish this. Courage is the ability to perservere and accomplish a task, when the situation is difficult, or the odds are against you. For me, jumping off the cliff was hard, and took courage.

It was July and the sun was blazing at Lake Powell . I was sitting with my mom and dad, my two brothers, my sister, and my two friends, Travis and Quade. The lake was crowded and we had just finished eating lunch on the beach. Earlier that day I had seen a huge cliff, and told everyone that I wanted to jump it. Nobody thought I would do it, which, with my competitive nature, made me angry and made me want to prove them wrong. So, after lunch, I decided I was going to do it, and we loaded up the boat and headed for the cliff. On the way there, I was getting mixed thoughts, and it didn't help that my family and friends were telling me the wrong things at the wrong times.

"You know, that's a high cliff, are you sure you want to do this? It may not be safe, I don't know if I want you doing this," my mom said.

"If you don't do this, I'm going to beat you," my brother told me. That really helped the situation.

Finally, we got to the beach, and I hopped out of the back of the boat. I headed up the long, steep trail, with my family laughing and giggling in the boat. As I walked, the red dirt squeezed between my toes. I could hear the power boats zooming past me, and I had to put my hands up against the wall for support. The hard, red gravel felt rough against my palms, and made red marks against my hands that lasted for days. I could smell the mist off the water, and the gasoline from the boats below. The sky was beautiful, and the sun was bright. Finally I reached the cliff that I was to jump off and my heart sank. I suddenly grew more scared then I ever was before. I looked down into the deep water, and began to shake like a dog after it gets out of the water. It was so far. I stepped back a couple feet to give myself some space. The yells from down below didn't help much.

"Jump you girl!" my friend Quade yelled.

"Wow, can you give me some time? You guys aren't jumping off," I replied. Why were they pushing me, they weren't jumping, I was.

"Hurry up you sissy," my friend Travis yelled. Now I was mad, and there was no more indecision. Like a bullet coming out of a gun, I ran and leaped off the cliff. My stomach sank, and flew towards the water. I felt free like a bird. I pounded the water, and shot down deep beneath the lake. Once my momentum stopped, I swam up towards the surface.

All the people on the boat didn't think I would do it, but I did. The other characters had an oppinion about me, that I was too chicken. I was daring, courageous, and brave. I proved everybody wrong, and proved to myself that I was courageous.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response demonstrates a complete and moving story. The author exhibits an understanding of the purpose of the assignment by incorporating many relevant details and examples. A controlling idea or focus is introduced in the first paragraph and is maintained throughout. (“Courage is the ability to perservere and accomplish a task, when the situation is difficult, or the odds are against you. For me, jumping off the cliff was hard, and took courage.”) This story conveys good focus and meaning.

Content & Development

The essay provides a well-developed plot and setting, beginning with a family trip to a lake. (“It was July and the sun was blazing at Lake Powell . I was sitting with my mom and dad, my two brothers, my sister, and my two friends, Travis and Quade. The lake was crowded and we had just finished eating lunch on the beach. Earlier that day I had seen a huge cliff, and told everyone that I wanted to jump it.”) The conflicts are well-developed and explained through the specific and accurate examples and details. (“The hard, red gravel felt rough against my palms, and made red marks against my hands that lasted for days. I could smell the mist off the water, and the gasoline from the boats below. The sky was beautiful, and the sun was bright.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization through a mostly unified structure. The opening paragraph begins with an introductory sentence that grabs the reader’s attention. (“Hello, my name is Jordan . I am a skinny, blonde haired kid, with blue eyes that reflect the sunlight. Last summer I choose to do something courageous, and that was jumping off a 55 foot cliff at Lake Powell .”) Transitional devices are seen throughout the response (“So, after lunch” and “Finally”) and help the story flow smoothly. The concluding paragraph effectively provides readers with sense of completeness. (“All the people on the boat didn't think I would do it, but I did. The other characters had an oppinion about me, that I was too chicken. I was daring, courageous, and brave. I proved everybody wrong, and proved to myself that I was courageous.”)

Language Use & Style

The author’s writing style and language are very appropriate for this task. In this response, most words are descriptive and most sentences are well-structured and varied. (“’Hurry up you sissy,’ my friend Travis yelled. Now I was mad, and there was no more indecision. Like a bullet coming out of a gun, I ran and leaped off the cliff. My stomach sank, and flew towards the water. I felt free like a bird. I pounded the water, and shot down deep beneath the lake. Once my momentum stopped, I swam up towards the surface.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s good control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is obvious in this response. While there are a few errors in grammar, spelling (“perservere” and “oppinion”), and punctuation, they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The thing that I did that took the most courage would have to be when my dad brother came in and asked me to watch his eight kids.

I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. They had kids ranging form 2 years old and 14 years old. Well if some thing would go wrong it would happen to me. Of course like brother and sisters do there was a fight. The youngest one hit the the oldest boy in the mouth with a metal spathula.

They were out side playing when it took place and so they wouldn't get in any trouble they didn't tell me at first but I knew something was up when they kept coming in the house to get paper towel's. So just like any person would I went outside to see what was going on.

When I got out there all I saw was the boy sitting in the chair and there was blood every where. I sheer panic I asked what happened. Finally after I was done freaking out someone told me what had happened. I'm not really sure who it was because that part was a blur for me and still is.

It took me a couple seconds to get my head straightened out but when I did I moved as quick as I could. I ran up to my grandmothers with the kid to get some rubber gloves and something to clean the wound out with. While I was up there I went to work on stoping the bleeding because I couldn't get him to the hospital with out his parents. Which of course I couldn't find them.

The first thing that I did was put on the rubber gloves and found some warm water to clean it out with first. Then I used some anti-bacterial spray. The hardest thing that I had to do was to try to make home made butterfly stiches with regular Band-Aids. After a little while it work perfectly.

A couple hours later his parents finally got home with mine at there side. I told them what had happened and how I took care of it. When I was done telling them they hurried and took him to the hospital where he got seven stiches in his mouth.

The next day I felt much better about what had happened. But when I got up there was a card on the table with my name on it. It was from my grandmother. In the card it said about me finally passing in to adulthood and no longer would I be considered a child.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate completion of the task. In this essay, the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the assignment by describing his/her most courageous moment. The focus is established and maintained throughout the response. (“The thing that I did that took the most courage would have to be when my dad brother came in and asked me to watch his eight kids.”) The author exhibits meaning and focus to the audience by providing descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

Content & Development

This story provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. (“I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. They had kids ranging form 2 years old and 14 years old. Well if some thing would go wrong it would happen to me. Of course like brother and sisters do there was a fight. The youngest one hit the the oldest boy in the mouth with a metal spathula.”) Tensions and conflicts hold the reader in suspense as to what will happen next. (“It took me a couple seconds to get my head straightened out but when I did I moved as quick as I could. I ran up to my grandmothers with the kid to get some rubber gloves and something to clean the wound out with. While I was up there I went to work on stoping the bleeding because I couldn't get him to the hospital with out his parents.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure. The introductory paragraph begins by developing a clear focus. (“The thing that I did that took the most courage would have to be when my dad brother came in and asked me to watch his eight kids.”) Transitions are apparent and help the flow of events from one to another (“When I got out there”, “Finally”, and “A couple hours later”). The last paragraph provides a conclusion to the story. (“The next day I felt much better about what had happened. But when I got up there was a card on the table with my name on it. It was from my grandmother. In the card it said about me finally passing in to adulthood and no longer would I be considered a child.”)

Language Use & Style

The author writes in a style that is generally appropriate for this task. Although word choice isn’t overly sophisticated, it is adequate for this student’s grade level. (“When I got out there all I saw was the boy sitting in the chair and there was blood every where. I sheer panic I asked what happened. Finally after I was done freaking out someone told me what had happened. I'm not really sure who it was because that part was a blur for me and still is.”) Appropriate voice is even occasionally demonstrated throughout the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author demonstrates an ability to adhere to the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are few errors in spelling (“spathula”), grammar (“After a little while it work perfectly”), and punctuation (“paper towel's”), and they do not detract from the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I remember one of the most fearsome things I have ever done. It took the most courage I had at the moment. It was a while back like a few years ago. It required alot of bravery, but I got through it. I will tell you what I had to do.

One day, two years back, my family and I were invited to visit my grandfather in Wysconsin. We started packing up our things for the trip. After we were done, we decided that we would fly over to Wysconsin because our car was somewhat damaged. I have hated heights for as long as I could remember. The thought of flying in a plane swirled through my mind like an angry bee.

I finally told my parents that I wouldnt go. They asked my why and I told them that I was scared to death of flying. My sister was geting angry with me and I knew she wanted to leave really bad. After my parents told me all of the good things of flying, I decided to make an effort to go. We left for the airport.

When we got there I saw a plane take off into the sky. I became very dizzy. We waited in line for awhile until we were next. This was it, the moment of truth. I got on the plane and unpacked my things up in the top bunk. The plane took off with a shakey start but then rolled out smoothly. I thought I was going to die. In the end, we made it to Wis

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a limited focus and meaning. Although an attempt is made at developing a controlling idea (“I remember one of the most fearsome things I have ever done…It required alot of bravery, but I got through it. I will tell you what I had to do.”), it is not fully developed or maintained. Therefore, this response shows only a partial understanding of the audience and the task.

Content & Development

Although this story provides an adequately developed plot, it lacks sufficient detail. For example, although the author describes how scared he/she was getting on the plane, there is little effort to explain how or why these fears eventually subsided. (“We waited in line for awhile until we were next. This was it, the moment of truth. I got on the plane and unpacked my things up in the top bunk. The plane took off with a shakey start but then rolled out smoothly. I thought I was going to die.”) Tension and conflicts, although stated, are underdeveloped. Dialogue is also absent.

Organization

This story provides an adequate opening (“I remember one of the most fearsome things I have ever done. It took the most courage I had at the moment.“), but does not introduce the main topic until later in the narrative. The response also lacks a complete conclusion that effectively sums up the character’s courageous event. (“The plane took off with a shakey start but then rolled out smoothly. I thought I was going to die. In the end, we made it to Wis ”)

Language Use & Style

Although the language use in this response may be limited, it is not wholly inappropriate. There are even instances of figurative language in the narrative. (“The thought of flying in a plane swirled through my mind like an angry bee.”) The student shows some awareness of audience and control of voice. (“When we got there I saw a plane take off into the sky. I became very dizzy. We waited in line for awhile until we were next. This was it, the moment of truth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. There are several noticeable errors in spelling (“Wysconsin” and” shakey”), punctuation (“I wouldnt go”), and grammar (“alot of bravery”) that somewhat interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

It hurt so bad i couldn't believe that it happened to me. I was cutting a bagel and all of a sudden my hand hurt and i saw blood all over my hand, the knife, and the bagel. I was so scared my dad rushed me to the pool office and called for the head lifeguard to wrap my finger, they rapped it in a towel for five minutes and it wouldn't stop bleeding. When it finally stopped i couldn't go back to the swim meet it hurt so much. When i got home it still hurt i was lying down on my bed with my parents by my side saying are you going to be ok and do you want ice and stuff like that. Finally after a couple hours i was wearing a bandage and all of a sudden it started to bleed again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates a minimal attempt to communicate a meaningful message to the reader. (“It hurt so bad i couldn't believe that it happened to me. I was cutting a bagel and all of a sudden my hand hurt and i saw blood all over my hand, the knife, and the bagel “) Details and descriptions are not established or maintained. An understanding of the purpose of the task is not fully realized.

Content & Development

Content development in this response is minimal. The author does attempt to introduce some conflicts the individual is facing (“I was so scared my dad rushed me to the pool office and called for the head lifeguard to wrap my finger, they rapped it in a towel for five minutes and it wouldn't stop bleeding. When it finally stopped i couldn't go back to the swim meet it hurt so much.”); however, the problems are not clearly explained or developed with specific and adequate examples and details.

Organization

Minimal organization is exhibited in this one-paragraph response. The flow from one idea to the next is difficult to follow. Although there are some transitions, the thought process is not always clear and logical. (“When i got home it still hurt i was lying down on my bed with my parents by my side saying are you going to be ok and do you want ice and stuff like that. Finally after a couple hours i was wearing a bandage and all of a sudden it started to bleed again.”) The response lacks an appropriate introduction, body paragraphs, transitional devices, and a conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Language use in this essay is poor. The author uses very simple words and makes basic errors in sentence structure. (“I was so scared my dad rushed me to the pool office and called for the head lifeguard to wrap my finger, they rapped it in a towel for five minutes and it wouldn't stop bleeding.”) The author has little awareness of his/her readers and has difficulty communicating with them.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author’s grasp of the conventions and mechanics of standard written English is minimal. There are several errors in grammar (“When i got home it still hurt i was lying down on my bed with my parents by my side saying are you going to be ok and do you want ice and stuff like that.”), spelling, and punctuation (“i”), which interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

when i was litte i was scary of the dark . it start when i was going to my aunt it was dark avery day so i was scary. that why i stay out side a will not com in. so i was think about with. i sracy for so one day i came in a was not sracy that how i conquer my fear.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response demonstrates almost no understanding of the task. Although the author does attempt to describe a fear (“when i was litte i was scary of the dark . it start when i was going to my aunt it was dark avery day so i was scary. “), he/she does not communicate a courageous moment.

Content & Development

The author fails to develop the response with any relevant ideas or supporting details. In this response, there is no identifiable and understandable event or conflict mentioned. (“that why i stay out side a will not com in. so i was think about with. i sracy for so one day i came in a was not sracy that how i conquer my fear.”)

Organization

It is difficult to discern an organizational structure in a three-line response. The essay lacks any noticeable, basic organization. The essay lacks a proper introduction, body paragraphs, sufficient transitional devices, and a conclusion. The organization is completely inadequate.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates inadequate language use. Sentences are unclear and poorly structured. Word choice is minimal and demonstrates no awareness of the intended audience. (“it start when i was going to my aunt it was dark avery day so i was scary.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author shows no control over the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“avery” and “sracy”), grammar (“it start when i was going to my aunt”), and punctuation (“i”) significantly interfere with the intended message.

The Value of Sacrifice

In this world it is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich. —Henry Ward Beecher

Some people think that sacrificing something important for the well being of another is one of the strongest virtues a person can possess. By sacrificing, we learn much about ourselves and those around us.

Write a personal narrative in which you describe a time you had to sacrifice something important for someone else. What did you sacrifice? What made this action so special, and what lessons did you learn? Be sure to include specific details to support your narrative.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Mine is a generation of apathy. It's something I had never really taken notice of until just last year, which had been the first time I had ever dealt with a senior class. It came almost like a revelation to me, our collective disinterest, when I saw the exuberant and cacophonous senior class in stark contrast to my own class of far more subdued juniors. We as a body never reacted to too much of anything regarding school, especially not with quite the same enthusiasm and general excitement as the class before us, and so I accepted that it was simply not in our essentia to feel “extremely”, about anything.

As one of my year's more lethargic students (I could have been a poster child for indifference), I took our unspoken philosophy to heart. School functions were always something I blew off with practiced ease; in fact, I did not even want to bother myself with my own senior prom. "Senioritis" hit us hard, and more so than any class previous. Thus did I do what it was I did best: that is, failed to care. My lack of school spirit extended even towards my own graduation, which I very vehemently had no desire to attend. It should have occurred to me, long before it did, that my family absolutely would not accept my poorly-veiled contempt for the idea of walking across the stage in front of a myriad of people who would not care one way or the other that I had graduated high school. It seemed ridiculous to me, an almost archaic ceremony that served no purpose and would do far better to simply stay a part of the decades previous. I'm sure I could have spoken for my entire class, as their sentiment was generally much the same.

However, I should have expected my grandparents to follow in my suit and not care unduly about how I felt on the subject, and they most certainly did not. My grandfather was the first to bring up the matter. I had resurfaced from my bat cave of a bedroom to forage for food from the fridge when it occurred to him that he ought to ask about my plans for graduation, and he did. He stopped me on my way to the kitchen table to ask whether or not I had heard anything about ordering a cap and gown, to which I immediately responded by lying through my teeth. In reality, I had recently been forced to sit through yet another insufferable presentation from Balfour, the company urging us to buy our caps and gowns from them, but unfortunately, I had purposely neglected to take an order form.

I had been hoping the topic would merely be forgotten, and so I returned to my room with the assurance that I would not have to hear of it again. This was obviously not the case, for shortly after our brief exchange, I received a letter notifying my family that the upcoming week was the deadline for ordering caps and gowns. This was where the issue came to a head. My grandparents and I went to visit my mother's house to celebrate my younger sister's eighth birthday, and my mother brought the notice to my attention at the dinner table. She read the letter aloud, which informed me that the coming week would be my last chance to order my outfit or I would not be able to walk across the stage. I, as sardonic and thoughtless as I tend to be, retorted that, if I would not be permitted to walk, that would suit me just fine. This was a mistake that I came to regret at an alarming rate, for as soon as the words left my mouth, everyone demanded to know why.

Honestly, this should have been understandable. My family is one for tradition, and for them, graduation was still an important ceremony in which I was meant to show the world what I was made of. As though the fact that I graduated was really something very important, they had obviously not noticed for themselves that my generation and I were apathetic to the entire situation, and they wouldn't have understood why even if they had. I tried to explain my reluctance to participate in what I felt was a completely inane event, but they would have absolutely none of it. The argument was absolutely infuriating to me. My silent philosophy of indifference was very important to me, and I felt that they were forcing me to compromise my beliefs with their desire to see me conform to their traditions. Needless to say, I left my mother's house in a dismal mood. That following week, I resolved not to care about the deadlines and continued to ignore them as I had been doing. My family certainly could not force me to order a cap and gown if they were not there to make me do it, and so we reached Wednesday before anything was said of it.

Unfortunately for me, the guilt had been eating me alive. I was still unbearably angry about the whole situation, but I was beginning to at least understand why they had wanted me to do it so badly. I am the oldest child of three, and for my mother, my walking across the stage would mean that she would witness her first child graduate. I reluctantly empathized with the sentiment, and I began to have trouble ignoring the deadlines as I so wanted to. Yet still, I continued to have epiphanies throughout the week. I understood that my graduation ceremony was not for me, as much as I believed that should be true; it was not. It was a ceremony for parents, to see their children enter into the adult world. It was still a rite of passage that I thought lasted past its prime. But it was a rite of passage that I could not avoid.

Finally, I hesitantly asked my grandmother for the money to purchase the uniform of conformity. It took a lot for me to swallow my pride enough to do it, but I managed by Wednesday, the day before the deadline. She came to school during my fourth period class and escorted me to the student center, where we signed the order forms for my cap and gown so that I would walk. I must admit, I was still deeply irritated that I had caved into doing it.

But I certainly did. I had to sacrifice my own want to stay true to my disregard for the walk, only for my mother's desire to see one of her children graduate for the first time. I wanted to make her happy more than I wanted to make myself happy. That indeed, is sacrifice in its truest form.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the narrative. Throughout the story, the writer demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer uses descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story. The writer reflectively showcases his/her struggle to sacrifice personal beliefs to satisfy the desires of his/her family.

All of the events in the story are consistent with the prompt. Throughout the story, the writer builds anticipation for what will happen in the story, and the readers are anxious to see if the writer makes the sacrifice. (“The argument was absolutely infuriating to me. My silent philosophy of indifference was very important to me, and I felt that they were forcing me to compromise my beliefs with their desire to see me conform to their traditions. Needless to say, I left my mother's house in a dismal mood. That following week, I resolved not to care about the deadlines and continued to ignore them as I had been doing. My family certainly could not force me to order a cap and gown if they were not there to make me do it, and so we reached Wednesday before anything was said of it. Unfortunately for me, the guilt had been eating me alive. I was still unbearably angry about the whole situation, but I was beginning to at least understand why they had wanted me to do it so badly.”)

All of the details in the story focus on the main event. Readers are pulled into the tense scenarios, and relevant, effective details are provided to enhance the experience. The writer succeeds in describing the circumstances and the writer’s subsequent experiences in coming to terms with making the sacrifice. (“Finally, I hesitantly asked my grandmother for the money to purchase the uniform of conformity. It took a lot for me to swallow my pride enough to do it, but I managed by Wednesday, the day before the deadline. She came to school during my fourth period class and escorted me to the student center, where we signed the order forms for my cap and gown so that I would walk. I must admit, I was still deeply irritated that I had caved into doing it. But I certainly did. I had to sacrifice my own want to stay true to my disregard for the walk, only for my mother's desire to see one of her children graduate for the first time. I wanted to make her happy more than I wanted to make myself happy. That indeed, is sacrifice in its truest form.”)

There is no unnecessary information in the story. All of the writer’s supporting details very effectively communicate the writer’s experience. (“I had been hoping the topic would merely be forgotten, and so I returned to my room with the assurance that I would not have to hear of it again. This was obviously not the case, for shortly after our brief exchange, I received a letter notifying my family that the upcoming week was the deadline for ordering caps and gowns. This was where the issue came to a head. My grandparents and I went to visit my mother's house to celebrate my younger sister's eighth birthday, and my mother brought the notice to my attention at the dinner table. She read the letter aloud, which informed me that the coming week would be my last chance to order my outfit or I would not be able to walk across the stage. I, as sardonic and thoughtless as I tend to be, retorted that, if I would not be permitted to walk, that would suit me just fine. This was a mistake that I came to regret at an alarming rate, for as soon as the words left my mouth, everyone demanded to know why.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the narrative. The writer provides a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting with supporting characters that round out the narrative. The writer clearly establishes a buildup to the revelation of the sacrifice made and the narrator’s experiences in coming to terms with his/her decision. In doing so, the writer heightens readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story.

The characters included in the writer’s examples are relevant and believable. For example, the writer includes grandparents who serve to stir thoughts of sacrifice in the main character’s mind. (“It seemed ridiculous to me, an almost archaic ceremony that served no purpose and would do far better to simply stay a part of the decades previous. I'm sure I could have spoken for my entire class, as their sentiment was generally much the same. However, I should have expected my grandparents to follow in my suit and not care unduly about how I felt on the subject, and they most certainly did not. My grandfather was the first to bring up the matter. I had resurfaced from my bat cave of a bedroom to forage for food from the fridge when it occurred to him that he ought to ask about my plans for graduation, and he did. He stopped me on my way to the kitchen table to ask whether or not I had heard anything about ordering a cap and gown, to which I immediately responded by lying through my teeth. In reality, I had recently been forced to sit through yet another insufferable presentation from Balfour, the company urging us to buy our caps and gowns from them, but unfortunately, I had purposely neglected to take an order form.”)

The essay contains very effective information about what happened before the event. In the beginning of the story, the narrator paints a vivid picture of the attitude he/she has toward school and everything associated with it, particularly his/her upcoming graduation. (“As one of my year's more lethargic students [I could have been a poster child for indifference], I took our unspoken philosophy to heart. School functions were always something I blew off with practiced ease; in fact, I did not even want to bother myself with my own senior prom. ‘Senioritis’ hit us hard, and more so than any class previous. Thus did I do what it was I did best: that is, failed to care. My lack of school spirit extended even towards my own graduation, which I very vehemently had no desire to attend. It should have occurred to me, long before it did, that my family absolutely would not accept my poorly-veiled contempt for the idea of walking across the stage in front of a myriad of people who would not care one way or the other that I had graduated high school.”)

There is very effective information about what happened during the event. There are relevant details about the struggle between the narrator’s own views and the sacrifice he/she ultimately made to satisfy the desires of his/her family. (“I reluctantly empathized with the sentiment, and I began to have trouble ignoring the deadlines as I so wanted to. Yet still, I continued to have epiphanies throughout the week. I understood that my graduation ceremony was not for me, as much as I believed that should be true; it was not. It was a ceremony for parents, to see their children enter into the adult world. It was still a rite of passage that I thought lasted past its prime. But it was a rite of passage that I could not avoid.”)

Organization

The narrative’s organization is very effective. The writer captures the readers’ attention by providing an insightful opening to the story. The writing flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and the writer provides an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The story very effectively captures the readers’ attention in the beginning. The writer skillfully paints a picture of a young person who is apathetic to everything concerning school and its related activities. (“Mine is a generation of apathy. It's something I had never really taken notice of until just last year, which had been the first time I had ever dealt with a senior class. It came almost like a revelation to me, our collective disinterest, when I saw the exuberant and cacophonous senior class in stark contrast to my own class of far more subdued juniors. We as a body never reacted to too much of anything regarding school, especially not with quite the same enthusiasm and general excitement as the class before us, and so I accepted that it was simply not in our essentia to feel “extremely”, about anything.”)

Subtle transitions are used very effectively to connect events in the story. (“Unfortunately for me, the guilt had been eating me alive. I was still unbearably angry about the whole situation, but I was beginning to at least understand why they had wanted me to do it so badly. I am the oldest child of three, and for my mother, my walking across the stage would mean that she would witness her first child graduate. I reluctantly empathized with the sentiment, and I began to have trouble ignoring the deadlines as I so wanted to. Yet still, I continued to have epiphanies throughout the week.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending, emphasizing the narrator’s thoughts on his/her sacrifice. (“But I certainly did. I had to sacrifice my own want to stay true to my disregard for the walk, only for my mother's desire to see one of her children graduate for the first time. I wanted to make her happy more than I wanted to make myself happy. That indeed, is sacrifice in its truest form.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes precise language choices to effectively illustrate the narrator’s struggles with conformity and sacrificing personal views for the sake of his/her family. (“ Finally, I hesitantly asked my grandmother for the money to purchase the uniform of conformity. It took a lot for me to swallow my pride enough to do it, but I managed by Wednesday, the day before the deadline. She came to school during my fourth period class and escorted me to the student center, where we signed the order forms for my cap and gown so that I would walk. I must admit, I was still deeply irritated that I had caved into doing it. But I certainly did. I had to sacrifice my own want to stay true to my disregard for the walk, only for my mother's desire to see one of her children graduate for the first time.”)

The writer’s coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the story. (“ I had been hoping the topic would merely be forgotten, and so I returned to my room with the assurance that I would not have to hear of it again. This was obviously not the case, for shortly after our brief exchange, I received a letter notifying my family that the upcoming week was the deadline for ordering caps and gowns. This was where the issue came to a head. My grandparents and I went to visit my mother's house to celebrate my younger sister's eighth birthday, and my mother brought the notice to my attention at the dinner table. She read the letter aloud, which informed me that the coming week would be my last chance to order my outfit or I would not be able to walk across the stage. I, as sardonic and thoughtless as I tend to be, retorted that, if I would not be permitted to walk, that would suit me just fine. This was a mistake that I came to regret at an alarming rate, for as soon as the words left my mouth, everyone demanded to know why.”)

There is strong voice from the writer throughout the story. Readers can feel the narrator’s resistance to ceremony and his/her struggle to sacrifice his/her own wishes for the family. (“ I tried to explain my reluctance to participate in what I felt was a completely inane event, but they would have absolutely none of it. The argument was absolutely infuriating to me. My silent philosophy of indifference was very important to me, and I felt that they were forcing me to compromise my beliefs with their desire to see me conform to their traditions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each paragraph is indicated by a line break, and word choices are spelled correctly. (“ As one of my year's more lethargic students [I could have been a poster child for indifference], I took our unspoken philosophy to heart. School functions were always something I blew off with practiced ease; in fact, I did not even want to bother myself with my own senior prom. "Senioritis" hit us hard, and more so than any class previous.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Throughout the seventeen years that I have lived, I have been faced with many obstacles that prohibited me from finding my own happiness. I have lived my life doing nothing but sacrificing my thoughts and feelings and hiding how I truly feel to make others feel better about themselves. I have never thrown myself in front of a speeding car for a complete stranger, nor have I risked my own neck for a family member. Given the chance, I would, without a doubt, sacrifice myself for anyone. However, my life has proven to be boring, and I have been able to keep myself from physical danger; but that doesn't mean that I haven't been hurt emotionally or that I haven't had to sacrifice something to make others happy.

When I was in the 8th grade, I met my best friend. We were like Velcro; we had to be unwillingly separated. We remained this way until the 10th grade, never once having problems. She was the only person I trusted, and I thought it would always be that way. But something inside of us went off, like a time bomb, and it seemed if I had yet to explode; she was already way past it. She stole my boyfriend, so I told her how I really felt about her actions. I immediately regretted ever saying a word; my incredible insecurity getting in the way. She turned every friend I had against me and it made me see just how biased and untrustworthy humans really were. Throughout the next year, we would make amends, but our issues just could not be resolved. It took the crumbling of every relationship I had built, the sacrifice of my own sanity, and many unhappy days, for me to realize that things would never change; but I knew they had to.

The summer before my senior year of high school, no one called me to see if I wanted to go catch a movie or go swimming at the pool. It seemed as though my friends no longer needed me; therefore, I gave them exactly what they wanted and put up a wall around my heart so that maybe I would not think of them. I was my own best friend that summer. I had my family, but there is a fine line between friends and family. I was completely and utterly alone, and it began to get to me. I no longer recognized myself. One of the most frightening times in your life is when you are best friends with your own shadow and you don't recognize your own reflection.

Reflecting, I knew I was a better person than my "friends" gave me credit for. I found strength in the doubt that they had tried so hard to instill in me. I began to run. I would run until I thought my lungs would quite possibly catch fire. I found comfort in the familiar wind that caressed my face as I temporarily escaped my troubles. Each day passed and I became stronger; mentally, physically, and most importantly, emotionally. I was laughing again, and although I laughed alone, I found peace in the new strength I had found within myself. However, I still dreaded the ritual of summer coming to an end, more than ever. I felt that it would begin with a bang so loud my ears would bleed. But that bang never came.

That first day of the new school year would have been a challenge had I been the same person I was the previous year. But I had grown a spine and I knew that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. I was strong, and sacrificing any part of my happiness was completely out of the question. It took losing myself, and almost everyone I loved, to really find myself in a mess that I had been unwillingly thrown into. I vowed that no one would ever hurt me that way again. I have kept that promise to myself to this day.

My life has been a journey of self-discovery, disappointment, and finding the courage to love myself when no one else did. This is not a story about bad friends. It is a story of true self-discovery, my sacrifice of happiness, and the strength you find when you learn to love and protect yourself when the world is your enemy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are maintained throughout the story. The writer demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are all relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are well stated. The writer focuses the narrative completely on a young girl’s sacrifice of happiness for the sake of others. (“She stole my boyfriend, so I told her how I really felt about her actions. I immediately regretted ever saying a word; my incredible insecurity getting in the way. She turned every friend I had against me and it made me see just how biased and untrustworthy humans really were. Throughout the next year, we would make amends, but our issues just could not be resolved. It took the crumbling of every relationship I had built, the sacrifice of my own sanity, and many unhappy days, for me to realize that things would never change; but I knew they had to.”)

All parts of the story relate to the main event. (“The summer before my senior year of high school, no one called me to see if I wanted to go catch a movie or go swimming at the pool. It seemed as though my friends no longer needed me; therefore, I gave them exactly what they wanted and put up a wall around my heart so that maybe I would not think of them. I was my own best friend that summer. I had my family, but there is a fine line between friends and family. I was completely and utterly alone, and it began to get to me.”)

The details in the story focus on the main event. The writer provides relevant details to describe a young girl’s journey to find happiness again. (“I was laughing again, and although I laughed alone, I found peace in the new strength I had found within myself. However, I still dreaded the ritual of summer coming to an end, more than ever. I felt that it would begin with a bang so loud my ears would bleed. But that bang never came. That first day of the new school year would have been a challenge had I been the same person I was the previous year. But I had grown a spine and I knew that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. I was strong, and sacrificing any part of my happiness was completely out of the question. It took losing myself, and almost everyone I loved, to really find myself in a mess that I had been unwillingly thrown into. I vowed that no one would ever hurt me that way again. I have kept that promise to myself to this day.”)

Content & Development

There is good content and development of ideas in the narrative. The writer provides a well-developed plot with strong voice throughout. The writer introduces readers to believable characters who impact the story.

Details are used to develop the main events of the story effectively. The writer consistently reveals the experiences of the main character as she works her way through the pain of an ended friendship. (“Reflecting, I knew I was a better person than my ‘friends’ gave me credit for. I found strength in the doubt that they had tried so hard to instill in me. I began to run. I would run until I thought my lungs would quite possibly catch fire. I found comfort in the familiar wind that caressed my face as I temporarily escaped my troubles. Each day passed and I became stronger; mentally, physically, and most importantly, emotionally. I was laughing again, and although I laughed alone, I found peace in the new strength I had found within myself. However, I still dreaded the ritual of summer coming to an end, more than ever. I felt that it would begin with a bang so loud my ears would bleed. But that bang never came.”)

The writer provides a conflict in the story . (“ When I was in the 8th grade, I met my best friend. We were like Velcro; we had to be unwillingly separated. We remained this way until the 10th grade, never once having problems. She was the only person I trusted, and I thought it would always be that way. But something inside of us went off, like a time bomb, and it seemed if I had yet to explode; she was already way past it. She stole my boyfriend, so I told her how I really felt about her actions. I immediately regretted ever saying a word; my incredible insecurity getting in the way. She turned every friend I had against me and it made me see just how biased and untrustworthy humans really were.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“The summer before my senior year of high school, no one called me to see if I wanted to go catch a movie or go swimming at the pool. It seemed as though my friends no longer needed me; therefore, I gave them exactly what they wanted and put up a wall around my heart so that maybe I would not think of them. I was my own best friend that summer. I had my family, but there is a fine line between friends and family. I was completely and utterly alone, and it began to get to me. I no longer recognized myself. One of the most frightening times in your life is when you are best friends with your own shadow and you don't recognize your own reflection.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas and events is good throughout the narrative. The opening of the story intrigues readers to continue reading. The writing flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of completeness.

The story effectively captures readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ Throughout the seventeen years that I have lived, I have been faced with many obstacles that prohibited me from finding my own happiness. I have lived my life doing nothing but sacrificing my thoughts and feelings and hiding how I truly feel to make others feel better about themselves. I have never thrown myself in front of a speeding car for a complete stranger, nor have I risked my own neck for a family member. Given the chance, I would, without a doubt, sacrifice myself for anyone. However, my life has proven to be boring, and I have been able to keep myself from physical danger; but that doesn't mean that I haven't been hurt emotionally or that I haven't had to sacrifice something to make others happy.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. The writer should attempt to incorporate more effective transitions to promote the flow of the story. (“ Reflecting, I knew I was a better person than my ‘friends’ gave me credit for. I found strength in the doubt that they had tried so hard to instill in me. I began to run. I would run until I thought my lungs would quite possibly catch fire. I found comfort in the familiar wind that caressed my face as I temporarily escaped my troubles.”)

The story includes an effective ending. (“ My life has been a journey of self-discovery, disappointment, and finding the courage to love myself when no one else did. This is not a story about bad friends. It is a story of true self-discovery, my sacrifice of happiness, and the strength you find when you learn to love and protect yourself when the world is your enemy.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent. (“ She stole my boyfriend, so I told her how I really felt about her actions. I immediately regretted ever saying a word; my incredible insecurity getting in the way. She turned every friend I had against me and it made me see just how biased and untrustworthy humans really were. Throughout the next year, we would make amends, but our issues just could not be resolved. It took the crumbling of every relationship I had built, the sacrifice of my own sanity, and many unhappy days, for me to realize that things would never change; but I knew they had to.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea of the story. (“ Reflecting, I knew I was a better person than my ‘friends’ gave me credit for. I found strength in the doubt that they had tried so hard to instill in me. I began to run. I would run until I thought my lungs would quite possibly catch fire. I found comfort in the familiar wind that caressed my face as I temporarily escaped my troubles. Each day passed and I became stronger; mentally, physically, and most importantly, emotionally.”)

The writer employs good word choices to convey the hurt and ultimate resolve the writer feels as the new school year approaches. (“ I was laughing again, and although I laughed alone, I found peace in the new strength I had found within myself. However, I still dreaded the ritual of summer coming to an end, more than ever. I felt that it would begin with a bang so loud my ears would bleed. But that bang never came. That first day of the new school year would have been a challenge had I been the same person I was the previous year. But I had grown a spine and I knew that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. I was strong, and sacrificing any part of my happiness was completely out of the question.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure all sentences have subject-verb agreement, all sentences have appropriate capitalization and punctuation, all word selections are used and spelled correctly, and that there are line breaks to indicate new paragraphs. (“ I was my own best friend that summer. I had my family, but there is a fine line between friends and family. I was completely and utterly alone, and it began to get to me.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

One of the most important things to a teenager is spending time with their friends. One of the least? Anything family related. What happens when little brothers and friends are combined? Sacrifices have to be made.

One Saturday night, I was getting ready to go out and spend some time at a mall with a few friends. My room smelled like an Italian kitchen; there was a plate of pizza on my bed, and the red furniture with black and white accents gave everything a classic flair of sophistication. I stood in my bedroom, brushing my hair, when my mom came in.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"I'm getting ready to go to the mall, Mom," I said, trying not to lose my temper right back.

"Well, I need you to babysit."

I was so angry, she promised me she'd let me go to the mall with several of my friends! It was similar to a reunion, we hadn't seen each other over the summer, and now we were going to hang out together and catch up. It just wasn't fair.

"Why do you need me to babysit? You promised!" I said.

Mom explained that she had an affair with work and had to go out to a company dinner. I sighed. "Mom," I began, "I'm coordinating this whole thing. I've got to go! Everyone is counting on me!"

Mom then said that if I wanted to go so badly, and I was needed so much, that I'd just have to take my nine year old brother with me.

I sighed. It was that or nothing. It looked like I would have to take him with me. But how would I manage to keep an eye on him, a nine year old who likes to have his hands on everything, and talk to all my friends at once? And sometimes, Michael, my brother, was just so embarrassing! He'd try on all the hats in a store, or intentionally spill his drink for attention, or act like a girl by animatedly using his hands and swinging his hips exaggeratedly.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been, bringing my brother. It turned into a really memorable night. Michael was bullied into behaving by Mom, and all my friends thought he was just so cute. We laughed for hours in the food court. It was warm, and there were at least two hundred other people around us, mixed with the fun, salty scent of French fries. But, because he came with me, I had to leave at nine o'clock, after only being there two hours. Another sacrifice: the time I was allowed to spend with my friends.

I learned that sometimes, sacrifices have to be made, and we may not like them, but it's not always as bad as it seems.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer maintains adequate focus and meaning in the narrative. The story reveals a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides descriptions and details that are relevant to the story.

The writer states the main event of the story adequately. (“One of the most important things to a teenager is spending time with their friends. One of the least? Anything family related. What happens when little brothers and friends are combined? Sacrifices have to be made.”)

The writer focuses on the main event and the sacrifice made throughout the narrative. (“Mom then said that if I wanted to go so badly, and I was needed so much, that I'd just have to take my nine year old brother with me. I sighed. It was that or nothing. It looked like I would have to take him with me. But how would I manage to keep an eye on him, a nine year old who likes to have his hands on everything, and talk to all my friends at once? And sometimes, Michael, my brother, was just so embarrassing! He'd try on all the hats in a store, or intentionally spill his drink for attention, or act like a girl by animatedly using his hands and swinging his hips exaggeratedly.”)

The events in the story are consistent with the prompt. (“It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been, bringing my brother. It turned into a really memorable night. Michael was bullied into behaving by Mom, and all my friends thought he was just so cute. We laughed for hours in the food court. It was warm, and there were at least two hundred other people around us, mixed with the fun, salty scent of French fries. But, because he came with me, I had to leave at nine o'clock, after only being there two hours. Another sacrifice: the time I was allowed to spend with my friends.”)

Details in the story focus on the main event. (“One Saturday night, I was getting ready to go out and spend some time at a mall with a few friends. My room smelled like an Italian kitchen; there was a plate of pizza on my bed, and the red furniture with black and white accents gave everything a classic flair of sophistication. I stood in my bedroom, brushing my hair, when my mom came in. ‘What do you think you're doing?’ she demanded. ‘I'm getting ready to go to the mall, Mom,’ I said, trying not to lose my temper right back. ‘Well, I need you to babysit.’”)

Content & Development

The development of ideas and content is adequate in the narrative. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting with relevant and believable characters. The narrative holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. The writer shares characters’ thoughts through the use of dialogue.

The writer’s use of dialogue in the narrative is adequate. (“‘What do you think you're doing?’ she demanded. ‘I'm getting ready to go to the mall, Mom,’ I said, trying not to lose my temper right back. ‘Well, I need you to babysit.’”)

The writer provides adequate details that all relate to the main event. (“I was so angry, she promised me she'd let me go to the mall with several of my friends! It was similar to a reunion, we hadn't seen each other over the summer, and now we were going to hang out together and catch up. It just wasn't fair. ‘Why do you need me to babysit? You promised!’ I said. Mom explained that she had an affair with work and had to go out to a company dinner. I sighed. ‘Mom,’ I began, ‘I’m coordinating this whole thing. I've got to go! Everyone is counting on me!’ Mom then said that if I wanted to go so badly, and I was needed so much, that I'd just have to take my nine year old brother with me.”)

Conflict is briefly created in the story when the narrator’s mom insists that babysitting is necessary for the evening. (“‘I'm getting ready to go to the mall, Mom,’ I said, trying not to lose my temper right back. ‘Well, I need you to babysit.’ I was so angry, she promised me she'd let me go to the mall with several of my friends! It was similar to a reunion, we hadn't seen each other over the summer, and now we were going to hang out together and catch up. It just wasn't fair.”)

Organization

The beginning of the story entices readers to continue reading. (“ One of the most important things to a teenager is spending time with their friends. One of the least? Anything family related. What happens when little brothers and friends are combined? Sacrifices have to be made.”)

The writer needs to use effective transitions to connect events in the story. By incorporating transitions throughout the narrative, the writer can assist the readers by carrying the story’s events to their ultimate conclusion. (“It was warm, and there were at least two hundred other people around us, mixed with the fun, salty scent of French fries. But, because he came with me, I had to leave at nine o'clock, after only being there two hours. Another sacrifice: the time I was allowed to spend with my friends.”)

The narrative comes to a very abrupt end but does provide a lesson learned; this gives the intended audience a sense of closure. (“ I learned that sometimes, sacrifices have to be made, and we may not like them, but it's not always as bad as it seems.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The story generally reveals correct sentence structure with some variety .

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ One Saturday night, I was getting ready to go out and spend some time at a mall with a few friends. My room smelled like an Italian kitchen; there was a plate of pizza on my bed, and the red furniture with black and white accents gave everything a classic flair of sophistication. I stood in my bedroom, brushing my hair, when my mom came in.”)

The writer’s voice is adequately maintained throughout the story. The writer provides language that adequately describes the sacrifice the main character makes to help her mother. (“ It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been, bringing my brother. It turned into a really memorable night. Michael was bullied into behaving by Mom, and all my friends thought he was just so cute. We laughed for hours in the food court. It was warm, and there were at least two hundred other people around us, mixed with the fun, salty scent of French fries.”)

The writer’s word selections are appropriate and consistently reflect the theme of the story. (“ I sighed. It was that or nothing. It looked like I would have to take him with me. But how would I manage to keep an eye on him, a nine year old who likes to have his hands on everything, and talk to all my friends at once? And sometimes, Michael, my brother, was just so embarrassing! He'd try on all the hats in a store, or intentionally spill his drink for attention, or act like a girl by animatedly using his hands and swinging his hips exaggeratedly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should ensure sentences have subject-verb agreement, end with appropriate punctuation marks, and begin with capital letters. Word selections should also be spelled and used correctly, and paragraphs should be indicated with line breaks. (“ One of the most important things to a teenager is spending time with their friends. One of the least? Anything family related.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Everyday and every moment in every person's life there was at least one sacrifice that they had to make. There were was some hard, tough ones and there was easy and and almost normal decisions. But sacrifices are a thing that everybody has a choice to do. They would either accept that they need to do it or turn it down because they refuse to take it. I sacrifice my time and money to take care of a homeless and lonely child.

I sacrificed my time to help a homeless kid because he has no home and sleeps wherever he gets tired at. Watching him everyday just doing nothing always made me want to do something to help him. So I decided that if I wanted to help this person then I should invite him to my home. Even though I know that my parents would definitely not agree to this idea and probably would scold me for even brigning him over in the first place but I figured it was a good reason. Since I'm old enough to have a job, I took him to a restauant where we could get some food. I hardly had anything that day but the kid was hungry so I bought him what seemed to be a good meal to fill him up. After, I went to take him to my home hoping deep in my heart that my parents wouldn't attack me with their harsh words but then again, it's just a little boy. To my surprise, when I came in they were actually happy to see him. All my worries were for a waste. Well at least I gave him what he needed.

We wanted to add him to our small family and emptied out my older brother's room ,which he already graduated, and put a nice big closet and a comfty looking bed close to the door. He was glad and jumped right into his bed, hugging everything he clunged onto and smelling the nice scent that was arominating from his bed he was still and fell quickly to sleepIn the morning I went to his bed and laid close to him and also went to sleep. When we both woke up he said thank you and we got ready for the afternoon day I was happy that I sacrificed the few things that I had. for that little boy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning in the story are limited. The writer demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides limited descriptions and details that may not give readers a clear understanding of the writer’s message. Some of the prompt tasks are completed.

The writer states the main event of the story in a very limited way. (“I sacrifice my time and money to take care of a homeless and lonely child. I sacrificed my time to help a homeless kid because he has no home and sleeps wherever he gets tired at. Watching him everyday just doing nothing always made me want to do something to help him. So I decided that if I wanted to help this person then I should invite him to my home.”)

The writer’s focus in the story is limited. (“Since I'm old enough to have a job, I took him to a restauant where we could get some food. I hardly had anything that day but the kid was hungry so I bought him what seemed to be a good meal to fill him up. After, I went to take him to my home hoping deep in my heart that my parents wouldn't attack me with their harsh words but then again, it's just a little boy. To my surprise, when I came in they were actually happy to see him.”)

The writer provides limited content. In neglecting to provide more information, the readers are left with many questions in their minds. (“We wanted to add him to our small family and emptied out my older brother's room ,which he already graduated, and put a nice big closet and a comfty looking bed close to the door. He was glad and jumped right into his bed, hugging everything he clunged onto and smelling the nice scent that was arominating from his bed he was still and fell quickly to sleepIn the morning I went to his bed and laid close to him and also went to sleep.”)

Content & Development

The writer provides limited content and development. The narrative reveals very limited plot, setting, and characters and lacks sufficient details to make this story meaningful and complete. The writer discusses a time he/she sacrificed but only includes a limited problem in the story. The writer does not implement the use of dialogue to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Although the writer provides brief information to state the purpose of the narrative, limited details are used to develop the main events of the story. (“I sacrificed my time to help a homeless kid because he has no home and sleeps wherever he gets tired at. Watching him everyday just doing nothing always made me want to do something to help him. So I decided that if I wanted to help this person then I should invite him to my home. Even though I know that my parents would definitely not agree to this idea and probably would scold me for even brigning him over in the first place but I figured it was a good reason.”)

The details about characters in the story are limited. The writer includes a young homeless boy in the narrative but does not describe him in any way. (“He was glad and jumped right into his bed, hugging everything he clunged onto and smelling the nice scent that was arominating from his bed he was still and fell quickly to sleepIn the morning I went to his bed and laid close to him and also went to sleep.”)

The writer does not implement the use of dialogue in the narrative. By including dialogue, the writer can share the thoughts of characters in the story. (“When we both woke up he said thank you and we got ready for the afternoon day I was happy that I sacrificed the few things that I had. for that little boy.”)

Organization

There is limited organization of main ideas and supporting details in the story. The writer provides an opening that may hold readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Subtle transitions are evident, but they may be weak. The writer includes a limited conclusion that provides readers with some sense of closure.

The beginning of the narrative grabs readers’ attention in a limited way. (“ Everyday and every moment in every person's life there was at least one sacrifice that they had to make. There were was some hard, tough ones and there was easy and and almost normal decisions. But sacrifices are a thing that everybody has a choice to do. They would either accept that they need to do it or turn it down because they refuse to take it. I sacrifice my time and money to take care of a homeless and lonely child.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events and lead readers through the story. (“ After, I went to take him to my home hoping deep in my heart that my parents wouldn't attack me with their harsh words but then again, it's just a little boy. To my surprise, when I came in they were actually happy to see him.”)

The writer provides a limited ending that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ He was glad and jumped right into his bed, hugging everything he clunged onto and smelling the nice scent that was arominating from his bed he was still and fell quickly to sleepIn the morning I went to his bed and laid close to him and also went to sleep. When we both woke up he said thank you and we got ready for the afternoon day I was happy that I sacrificed the few things that I had. for that little boy.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates a limited use of language, voice, and style in the story. The narrative reveals simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. The writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety. At times, the word selections are repetitive and do not enhance the effectiveness of the writer’s message.

Some sentence lengths are short. The writer should elaborate with specific descriptions and details to make the story more interesting to the intended audience. (“ All my worries were for a waste. Well at least I gave him what he needed.”)

Oftentimes, the writer uses the same words within sentences. (“ I sacrifice my time and money to take care of a homeless and lonely child. I sacrificed my time to help a homeless kid because he has no home and sleeps wherever he gets tired at.”)

The writer provides some voice in the narrative. (“ So I decided that if I wanted to help this person then I should invite him to my home. Even though I know that my parents would definitely not agree to this idea and probably would scold me for even brigning him over in the first place but I figured it was a good reason.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The control of mechanics and conventions is limited in the story. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, correct spelling of words is checked, and proper usage of words within the context of sentences is ensured. (“Even though I know that my parents would definitely not agree to this idea and probably would scold me for even brigning him over in the first place but I figured it was a good reason. Since I'm old enough to have a job, I took him to a restauant where we could get some food.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I have sacrificed 30 bucks so my mom could have gas in her truck. It made me feel kind of mad. Because I knew my mom wasn't going to pay me back. In a way I felt a little bit good. Because I gave her money to put gas in her truck. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to give up 30 bucks to anyone. The only person I'll give my last money to would be my dad. My dad would be the only one to pay me back.

She only used 20n bucks out of my 30. She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back. So I'm not going to give my money to my mom unless she says she'll pay me back. Now that I got a job I can lend money to my mom and not worry bout her paying me back.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the story. The writer demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The narrative does not satisfy most of the elements of the prompt task.

The narrative only minimally states the main event of the story. (“I have sacrificed 30 bucks so my mom could have gas in her truck. It made me feel kind of mad. Because I knew my mom wasn't going to pay me back. In a way I felt a little bit good. Because I gave her money to put gas in her truck. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to give up 30 bucks to anyone.”)

The writer does not maintain focus on supporting ideas sufficiently to give readers a true sense of the meaning and value of sacrifice. More details are needed to enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“The only person I'll give my last money to would be my dad. My dad would be the only one to pay me back.”)

The writer’s details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“She only used 20n bucks out of my 30. She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the story. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details that detract from the story. The story lacks tension or conflict to make the story interesting. Little to no dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Only minimal details are used to develop the main events of the story. The plot is only minimally developed. The writer briefly addresses the experience of sacrificing but these ideas are not developed in a way that enhances the writer’s message or defines the true meaning of sacrifice. (“I have sacrificed 30 bucks so my mom could have gas in her truck. It made me feel kind of mad. Because I knew my mom wasn't going to pay me back. In a way I felt a little bit good. Because I gave her money to put gas in her truck. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to give up 30 bucks to anyone. The only person I'll give my last money to would be my dad. My dad would be the only one to pay me back. She only used 20n bucks out of my 30. She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back.”)

The writer does not provide a narrative that includes a detailed setting or characters. There are no descriptions of the setting, and the writer does not attempt to describe the characters in any way. (“She only used 20n bucks out of my 30. She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back. So I'm not going to give my money to my mom unless she says she'll pay me back. Now that I got a job I can lend money to my mom and not worry bout her paying me back.”)

The use of dialogue to reveal what the characters think or say aloud is not implemented at all. (“She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back.”)

Organization

The story attempts to grab readers’ attention in the beginning; however, the plot is confusing since the writer focuses only on his/her mother’s inability to pay him/her back rather than the value of sacrifice. (“ I have sacrificed 30 bucks so my mom could have gas in her truck. It made me feel kind of mad. Because I knew my mom wasn't going to pay me back.”)

Transitions are not used to connect events in the story. By including effective transitions, the writer can create a flow of ideas with fewer gaps in time and sequence. (“ The only person I'll give my last money to would be my dad. My dad would be the only one to pay me back.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an effective ending. The narrative fails to reveal insightful lessons the writer may have learned through the experiences in the story, and he/she does not attempt to leave readers with too much to think about once the story is over. (“ Now that I got a job I can lend money to my mom and not worry bout her paying me back.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the story. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The narrative also displays basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer exhibits no style or voice in the narrative. (“ My dad would be the only one to pay me back.”)

Sentences are fragmented. The writer needs to phrase ideas in an effective way to clearly communicate events throughout the narrative. (“ Because I gave her money to put gas in her truck.”)

The language is simple and repetitive. Word choices and sentence structure do not effectively communicate the writer’s story to the intended audience. (“ She used the other 10 for her to get food. It made me mad because she isn't going to pay me back. So I'm not going to give my money to my mom unless she says she'll pay me back. Now that I got a job I can lend money to my mom and not worry bout her paying me back.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is minimal in the story. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized story. (“Now that I got a job I can lend money to my mom and not worry bout her paying me back.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Have you ever had to sacrific anything? Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl or at least I thought she was my family didn't like her they thought she had a bad adittued problem. But she was just so pretty and I really liked her so I didn't see what they were talking about. The reason it was sacrific was because she never gave me the time of day but that one time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are inadequate in the story. The writer demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. The narrative does not satisfy the main components of the task.

In the beginning, the theme of sacrifice is stated, but the writer does not focus details to elaborate on the theme in a story of personal experience. (“ Have you ever had to sacrific anything?”)

The writer does not demonstrate an awareness of intended audience. (“The reason it was sacrific was because she never gave me the time of day but that one time.”)

The writer does not provide details that satisfy the purpose of the task. (“Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl or at least I thought she was my family didn't like her they thought she had a bad adittued problem.”)

Content & Development

There is inadequate content and development of ideas in the story. The writer does not provide an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed. The lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow; in other words, not much happens.

The setting is not developed. Providing details about the characters’ surroundings would help readers imagine the scene in their minds. (“ Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl or at least I thought she was my family didn't like her they thought she had a bad adittued problem.”)

The writer mentions characters in the story, but they are not developed in detail. (“But she was just so pretty and I really liked her so I didn't see what they were talking about.”)

There is no dialogue that reveals what the characters may think or say aloud. (“The reason it was sacrific was because she never gave me the time of day but that one time.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the narrative is inadequate. The story lacks the basic organization of a beginning, middle, and end, with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning because it does not clearly focus on informing the readers of the value of a personal sacrifice made in the writer’s life. (“ Have you ever had to sacrific anything?”)

Events are not clearly in order. There are significant gaps in time sequence that hinder the flow of events in the story. (“ Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl or at least I thought she was my family didn't like her they thought she had a bad adittued problem. But she was just so pretty and I really liked her so I didn't see what they were talking about.”)

The story includes no identifiable ending that summarizes the theme of the prompt task. (“ The reason it was sacrific was because she never gave me the time of day but that one time.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is inadequate in the story. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice with no a wareness of audience and noticeable errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are incorrect word choices employed within the context of some sentences. (“ Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl…”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ But she was just so pretty and I really liked her so I didn't see what they were talking about.”)

There is no style reflected on the part of the writer in terms of word choices, organization, or sentence structure in the narrative. (“The reason it was sacrific was because she never gave me the time of day but that one time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is inadequate in the story. There are noticeable e rrors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer needs to be sure the narrative exhibits appropriate capitalization and punctuation, correct spelling and usage of selected words, and multiple paragraphing with line breaks to separate ideas into an organized response. The narrative is too short to evaluate many of these items effectively. (“Well one time I had to sacrific somthing was when my brother had a play I sacrificed a date with the girl of my dream girl or at least I thought she was my family didn't like her they thought she had a bad adittued problem.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Time Spent with a Famous Person

Your school has created a program to give students an opportunity to meet with a famous person of their choice. You have been given the chance to spend a day with a famous person of your choosing. This person may be a character from a book, a movie, television or some other source. Why did you choose the person you did? Why is meeting with this person important to you? Write a narrative about the time you spent with the famous person you have chosen.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I was walking along a cobblestone colonial road in St. Vincent and the Grenadines , contemplating that this was the area where Pirates of the Caribbean was filmed. I sat down at a table outside of a quaint cafe along the water front. Suddenly, Johnny Depp walked up, sat down, and started talking to me.

I sat there speechless.

"Well, I was walking along and I spotted you sitting here, and it seemed to be the opportune moment to meet the future most-sought-after actress in Hollywood ," he was saying. I could still only numbly gaze at his gorgeousness, and accept his flattering comments. Then I woke up to the fact that Johnny Depp was talking to me, and had to stifle a scream of disbelief and delight. My eyes popped open much wider than usual, and I sat up straight.

"Ohmigosh! I absolutely love you and I admire your movies. I think your film decisions are cool, and I totally respect you as an actor. " I told him.

He smiled. (He was so hot!)

"Thank you."

Then he offered me the role of Elizabeth Turner in the 2005 Pirates of the Caribbean film.

I declined graciously, saying it really wouldn't be fair to Keira. After considering that, he agreed with me.

"Would you care to accompany me on a jaunt around the town?" He asked me, smiling once more.

Like anyone could really resist that smile!

"Of course!"

So we set off for the town. On the way, we pass by a building that's got Salsa music playing. We duck in and start dancing. Two hours later, we headed for the beach to get some air. It was deserted, and at the wonderful time of day where the last rays of sun illuminate the earth with their warmth, casting a glow on everything as the sky changes color. I could faintly see some anxious stars already popping out. As we looked out over the ocean at the sunset, something black arose on the horizon. Next thing we know, the Black Pearl is bobbing in the bay.

"Shall we go?" Johnny asks, suddenly morphing into Jack Sparrow. We dive into the water together and breaststroke out to the boat, sorry - ship, where the crew hauled us on board. I stood up, and realized I was now wearing an eighteenth century gown. I turn around and there's Orlando Bloom, dressed as Will Turner. I blinked.

He was still there. 'Okay,' I thought, 'just go with it.'

"Hello, I'm -"

" Elizabeth ," he finished. 'Uh-oh!' I thought. I stood there stupidly for a few moments, trying to make sense of things.

"Aren't you supposed to be in New Zealand making Stephanie Blickfeldt's dreams come true?" I asked him.

"In a minute," says he. "First, we must go on an adventure."

"Does it involve rogue pirates, multiple sword fights, and a really hot captain?" I asked.

"Of course."

Just then, Johnny - I mean Jack, came up, and started shouting orders. From what I could gather by the short commands, I surmised that we would be experiencing a battle at sea shortly. Leaning out over the railing, I caught a glimpse of a ship coming fast up behind us. Their colors bore the pirate emblem of a white skull and crossbones on a black background. I borrowed Jack's eyeglass and peered through it. With a shock, I realized I was seeing the ghosts of the cursed pirates, led by Captain Barbossa. The ship was in even worse shape than the Pearl , with torn sails and drooping rigging. I noticed a slight commotion on board, and saw two gaunt pirates lugging a trunk inside the Captain's quarters.

"You're in for a show, love," Jack said to me. "DROP ANCHOR!" He called to the crew. "AND GET READY FOR A FIGHT!" The crew roared their approval.

Before I was ready for it, the ghost ship had pulled almost even with ours, with the ghostly pirates lined up on their rails, and our scallywags crowded up against ours. They shouted insults and slurs at one another at the top of their lungs, as they readied their pistols and canons. I waited breathlessly in suspense of what would come, my 18th century musket loaded and in my hands. Then the two captains gave the tension-breaking call:

"FIRE!"

A succession of explosions filled the air, as canons from both ships fired. The ghost-like pirates prepared to board us; ropes and hooks in hand. When they swung across, it presented us with a better target, and we shot them into the sea with musket balls and swivel guns.

"Fight you dogs!" Jack screamed.

The scene was one of utter chaos. Both ships had furious skirmishes occuring on deck. Balls from canons, muskets, and pistols ripped through the rising smoke, and screams and taunts were uttered from every corner. I suddenly noticed the chap who had been manning the swivel gun nearest me had been killed, and I quickly darted over there to take over. Just then, a big, ugly sort of fellow lurched into me, knocking me to the ground. He turned, and gave a mean smile.

"Here we go," he said in a bleary voice, grabbing hold of my forearm. "Cap'n Barbossa - I got her!!" His voice raised above the din of the battle that was raging. I tried to wrench myself from his grip, but another pirate appeared who grabbed my other side. I could see Jack trying to fight his way through the mini-duels to get to me, but it would be impossible. I was now squirming and turning in every way I could, furiously trying to free myself, which was hampered by my confounded dress and bodice. Then I saw we were to the rail of my ship, and fear replaced most of my anger. I fought even harder, which caused one of my captors to give me a severe blow across the face. I found myself being hoisted into a sort of net of ropes, held steady by my ghostly kidnappers. A bit disoriented, I looked below me. All I could see was waves of blue water, and the tips of the canons. Breathing much harder, I looked across at the other ship. They were waiting for me.

"Here she comes!" the first pirate yelled. Then they let go of the ropes. I screamed in terror as I swung pell-mell through the air towards the ghost ship. Bullets whizzed by me, as did some men, trying to reach the opposite ship. I began dropping after I had passed over the rail of the ghost ship, and almost choked on my uncertainty. A different pirate grabbed me up, and led me to Captain Barbossa.

"Welcome to the Vengeance, missy," he said, learing at me. Then he laughed a horrible, mocking laugh. My mouth dropped open and my eyes widened.

"Take her inside!" He bellowed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This author has developed a very effective narrative essay, establishing quickly who the famous person is and describing the time spent with that person in great detail. The scenes that are developed by the author are exciting and vivid. This author demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

This author has developed a very detailed and exciting narrative. The author clearly describes the famous person s/he wants to meet, and while the author does not state outright why this is the person s/he wants to meet, the reader can surmise that romance and adventure are part of the reason.

Organization

The essay is tightly organized along chronological lines. Each paragraph is complete and flows logically into the next. The essay ends abruptly (“’Take her inside!’ He bellowed”), but this only adds to the excitement and tension built up by the author – will the author be rescued? This is left up to the reader’s imagination.

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is sophisticated, descriptive, and perfectly suited for this task (“’Well, I was walking along and I spotted you sitting here, and it seemed to be the opportune moment to meet the future most-sought-after actress in Hollywood ,’ he was saying. I could still only numbly gaze at his gorgeousness, and accept his flattering comments”). The author’s voice, which strikes the reader as both knowledgeable of pirates and ships and star-struck and humorous, is defined and compelling (“The ghost-like pirates prepared to board us; ropes and hooks in hand. When they swung across, it presented us with a better target, and we shot them into the sea with musket balls and swivel guns” and “He smiled - He was so hot!”).

Mechanics & Conventions

A few minor errors can be detected here and there, but on the whole, this author masters the mechanics and conventions of writing and commits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“learing”). Notice, for example, how well the author handles the complex dialogue and action scenes towards the end of the essay.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many types of people that inspire us. From celebrities, family members, and even friends, we all have had the experience of learning a life long lesson. In school we had the shock of a life time when we learned that as a project we could choose any celebrity that we wished and spend the day with that. After you pass the initial shock there would be, of course, wonderment. Which celebrity would I choose? Should I go for a celebrity crush? What would we do? As time continued to pass I finally decided on Derek Jeter.

My entire life I've been this gigantic Yankees fan. When my mother was pregnant with me, my father used to place the headphones over her stomach so I could listen to the games. I guess you could say that the Yankees are in my blood. As the years passed I found myself falling in love with the Yankees, but there was that one player that always stuck out to me. Not because of his looks, although that was a definite plus, but his obvious love for the game. I remember watching him in his premiere as a Yankee almost eight years ago. He didn't do much the first game, but his homecoming game in Yankee stadium I recall the homerun that he made. It seemed as if he wanted to show everyone who he was and that he wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't believe that every year he just grew more as a player, his determination was something worth while. I couldn't wait till the day came where I would meet my inspiration.

Every passing day I was filled with anxiousness, not exactly knowing how things would turn out. At first, I didn't know exactly what to plan. Should I take him out to eat or wait until the day came to plan out our day? I finally came to the conclusion that we would go to the one of the places that I treasured the most. Yankee stadium, of course. When the day finally came I left him a message to meet me at home plate at approximately 10 A.M. I stood there a few minutes early, shaking with nerves. Would he like me? Would we get along? I waited with anticipation. Finally, the moment I was waiting for finally arrived. I heard the strong voice calling out to me, as I turned around it felt as if my heart stopped beating. There he was in all his glory. After the moments of probably standing there looking like an obsessed fan, I introduced myself. Immediately following the introductions we grew completely comfortable with each other. I had asked him to teach me his basics of how to play short stop. I knew how to play that position, but I mean this is Derek Jeter. Who has that opportunity every day?

We played for a little while before I knew we had to get back into business. He took me on the tour of the dug out before entering a conference room where we could have some privacy. Once we entered the room, I thought I was going to be the one that was going to be asking the question. I guess he had some other plans in mind because he was the one asking the 20 questions, surprisingly. We spoke about my education, how far I was in school, and my plans for the future. It was almost a relief in itself to hear his words of wisdom and advice. He encouraged me to follow my dreams and to never give up. There's something vaguely different about hearing those words. You hear them all the time from your parents and teachers, but analyzing a person that has obviously shown that any dream is possible gave me a push in the right direction.

Unfortunately for me, the day soon came to an end shortly after we spoke to each other in the conference room. I still couldn't believe at that moment I spent the entire day with the infamous Derek Jeter. How many people can say that? Although, I briefly mentioned to him about his slump in his batting average over the course of the past month or so, I only repeated the advice he sent my way. Never give up and keep your head held up high. He smiled at my direction and we gave each other a farewell hug before he went on his way. I must say that I have to give myself credit for not melting in his arms right at that moment, but like I told my mother in the car. To be near an inspiration and hear encouraging words means more to me that I could ever express.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay strongly communicates a complete message to the intended audience. The author quickly developed and consistently maintained a clear controlling idea (“I finally decided on Derek Jeter”) as the narrative was rolled out for the reader. This essay shows a strong understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this response, the author provides sufficient appropriate details to support the choice of the famous person to spend time with. The author’s central idea is mature and appropriately developed for this task, considering both the person chosen (“As the years passed I found myself falling in love with the Yankees, but there was that one player that always stuck out to me. Not because of his looks, although that was a definite plus, but his obvious love for the game”) and the reason for this choice (“He encouraged me to follow my dreams and to never give up. There's something vaguely different about hearing those words. You hear them all the time from your parents and teachers, but analyzing a person that has obviously shown that any dream is possible gave me a push in the right direction”).

Organization

This essay shows tight organization, flowing chronologically from one idea to the next. The introduction shows the reader that the choice of a famous person made by the author was not taken lightly (“Which celebrity would I choose? Should I go for a celebrity crush? What would we do”) as does the conclusion (“He smiled at my direction and we gave each other a farewell hug before he went on his way. I must say that I have to give myself credit for not melting in his arms right at that moment, but like I told my mother in the car. To be near an inspiration and hear encouraging words means more to me that I could ever express”).

Language Use & Style

This author’s language style is controlled and precise, making it very effective for this prompt (“I waited with anticipation. Finally, the moment I was waiting for finally arrived. I heard the strong voice calling out to me, as I turned around it felt as if my heart stopped beating. There he was in all his glory. After the moments of probably standing there looking like an obsessed fan, I introduced myself. Immediately following the introductions we grew completely comfortable with each other”). Words are chosen well, and the sentences are carefully crafted showing good variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very few errors in grammar, mechanics (“we could choose any celebrity that we wished and spend the day with that”), punctuation, or spelling are evident in this essay. Those that are present do not detract from the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I was given the chance to meet one famous person, it would probably be a fictional character I've looked up to for years now. It's pretty stupid, actually, wanting to meet someone who doesn't even exist more than someone who really lives in this world, but that's the way I am, so here goes. If I could meet one famous person in my life and spend time talking to him, it would be Zorro.

Zing! Crack, crack, smash! The sounds of Zorro's sword as it swings through the air, its black-garbed handler weilding it with a mastery to be envied. Foes rush toward him from all sides, but with cunning and skill he swings out of their way, diving and rolling, cutting and parrying, blocking and counterattacking constantly. Then, while even more enemies rush into the scene, he kick one final man out of the way and gives his infamous whistle, and with a crash and a thunderous neigh, his horse Tornado comes trotting in, black mane whipping about, breath snorting out his nostrils as he swoops down to answer his master's call. Zorro leaps atop his horse and urges him forward, and he swings his sword in the air, laughing as he gallops away.

Zorro is sweet! He goes around, riding on his horse Tornado, protecting the innocent and getting in swordfights and killing lots and lots of evil dudes for the sake of the state of California . He does none of this froma desire for his own material gain, he does it because he feels it is the right thing to do, helping the weak and abused. He believes that life is a precious gift, and that is something I admire in people.

If I could talk to Zorro, which I know I can't, I'd ask him why he does these dangerous things. Why is he so committed to protecting the weak? What keeps him going when the times get tough? How does he know that he's doing the rght thing? How is it that he can swing that sweet sword of his around andalways win in a swordfight, even when his attacker is three times his size? Doesn't he ever tire of doing these things?

If we could, I'd love to see the cave where all of the Zorro's from the beginning of history have been trained, in the training pit where they learn how to use their whip and sword with the expertise of many years their age, the skills that even a master of the blade wishes he had. There would be so much rich history in that room to be experienced! The Zorro Cave would be amazing to see!

Zorro is a fictional character, yes, but he symbolizes the better side of man, combined with the Hollywood flair for the dramatic action movies it's known for. He fights for the better of mankind, and he always ends the day on top. Zorro is the embodiment of many people's desire to fight for what they believe is right, and I for one believe that is something to be admired in anyone. Don't you?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay adequately communicates the author’s message to the intended audience. Maintaining focus on a controlling idea (“Zorro is a fictional character, yes, but he symbolizes the better side of man, combined with the Hollywood flair for the dramatic action movies it's known for.”), the author demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience of this prompt and adequately completes the task.

Content & Development

The writer adequately supports the choice of a famous person (“If I could meet one famous person in my life and spend time talking to him, it would be Zorro.”) with details that are both profound (“Why is he so committed to protecting the weak? What keeps him going when the times get tough? How does he know that he's doing the rght thing”) and mundane (“The Zorro Cave would be amazing to see”).

Organization

This essay demonstrates a generally unified structure. The introduction almost apologizes for the author’s choice when it does not have to (“If I was given the chance to meet one famous person, it would probably be a fictional character I've looked up to for years now. It's pretty stupid, actually, wanting to meet someone who doesn't even exist more than someone who really lives in this world, but that's the way I am, so here goes”), because, by the time the author has completed the essay, the conclusion reiterates to the reader exactly why such a choice was appropriate (“Zorro is the embodiment of many people's desire to fight for what they believe is right, and I for one believe that is something to be admired in anyone. Don't you”). The body of the essay flows well and is organized around the author’s key points.

Language Use & Style

In this essay, the author uses a language style that is adequate for the task, with a few exceptions (“Zorro is sweet! He goes around, riding on his horse Tornado, protecting the innocent and getting in swordfights and killing lots and lots of evil dudes for the sake of the state of California ”). For the most part, the words are chosen with precision and the sentences are correctly structured.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author’s control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is adequate. Some errors in grammar, mechanics (“The sounds of Zorro's sword as it swings through the air, its black-garbed handler weilding it with a mastery to be envied”), punctuation, and spelling (“rght” and “andalways”) are evident, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

If I were to spend time with a famous person it would be President George Bush. Why did I choose George Bush? Because I wanted to be able to discuss the problems in America and how the war in Iraq is siginifancent to the American society.

My time with president George Bush was a well spent time during my time with Mr.Bush we discussed many things that are going on in America . one of our many dissciousn were about the war on Iraq Mr.Bush replied that the war is about a insane man who is trying to destroy America but I had a different view of the war. I think the war is about revenge I told him and it was about how as we Americans have to look like we really care but in the end we forget but the damage is really done. Of course we argued the fact for a while but we then came to a conclusion that different people hhad different views on the war.

before the day was up me and Mr .Bush had some lunch and over lunch we talked about the problems in America . I told Mr.Bush that I believe that one of our problems is that the United states is to involved with foreign affairs. Mr bush told me that ''if we don't get involved with our fellow countries we as a nation will fall because we need to help one anothor and defeat the faces of terriost or any other problems that affect our qualty of life''That being saied my time with Mr.Bush was over and Irealized talking things out with some one can change your views about someone

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay only partially communicates a meaningful narrative to the intended audience. The author does establish an interesting controlling idea (“If I were to spend time with a famous person it would be President George Bush” and “Of course we argued the fact for a while but we then came to a conclusion that different people hhad different views on the war”). But the author is less successful at infusing this narrative idea with meaning and developing an interesting story from it, and thus, the author only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support the narrative. The themes introduced in this essay, namely that the issues the author would discuss with the President are complex and generate many different opinions, are very interesting, but the author fails to develop them adequately (“That being saied my time with Mr.Bush was over and Irealized talking things out with some one can change your views about someone”).

Organization

This essay shows some signs of a meaningful structure. The author has produced an introduction which suggests why the author chose the famous person to meet s/he did (”Because I wanted to be able to discuss the problems in America and how the war in Iraq is siginifancent to the American society”), but the brief conclusion is appended to the end of the third paragraph, making the third paragraph somewhat confusing for the reader. The second paragraph is dedicated to one of the author’s conversations with the President.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is mixed. While the words chosen are generally simple, they are mostly correct and appropriate for the audience. However, the author’s ability to structure sentences correctly is limited (“My time with president George Bush was a well spent time during my time with Mr.Bush we discussed many things that are going on in America”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay is characterized by limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics (“before the day was up me and Mr .Bush had some lunch and over lunch we talked about the problems in America”), punctuation, and spelling (“siginifancent”) interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If ihad the opertunity to spend time withanyfamouse person of my chosingi I would choose one ofmy favorite book charecters Jack Ryan, he is a charecter i like because he really beleives in honesty and doing what's right no matter what, we would have a lot of things in commen and if he was a real person he would someone that i would respect very much.

In every Clancy book i read Ryan was always loyal to his wife, and in Clear and present Danger when he found out about what the president was doing in Culumbia and then just left the people there to die, he reported it to congres and he also risked his life to save them. When he was President he didn't believe in corruption. In the book Marines Clancy said the reason he made Ryan a Marine officer is because they have very strong morals and ideals. He is one of the book charecters that i respect the most and still stand the he would be an good person to meet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its ability to communicate a meaningful narrative to the intended audience. While the author has attempted to support the choice of a famous character, the author is unable to focus on and develop this controlling idea and thus completes few parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author cites several reasons to support the choice of a famous person to meet with (“In every Clancy book i read Ryan was always loyal to his wife”). But no narrative about this meeting has been developed and thus the author’s central idea emerges as incompletely and inadequately supported.

Organization

This essay shows little evidence of a unified structure. Two paragraphs have been crafted; the first paragraph appears to serve as the introduction (“I would choose one ofmy favorite book charecters Jack Ryan”) and the second develops some support for the author’s central idea. No conclusion has been supplied, and the essay lacks effective transitions from one idea to the next.

Language Use & Style

The author’s style of language is generally poor. The words chosen tend to be simple, even if they are at a level that would be appropriate for the specified audience. The author’s style suffers most from an inability to correctly structure sentences; notice that the entire first paragraph is structured as a single sentence (“If ihad the opertunity to spend time withanyfamouse person of my chosingi I would choose one ofmy favorite book charecters Jack Ryan, he is a charecter i like because he really beleives in honesty and doing what's right no matter what, we would have a lot of things in commen and if he was a real person he would someone that i would respect very much”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay is rife with significant errors in grammar, mechanics (“He is one of the book charecters that i respect the most and still stand the he would be an good person to meet”), punctuation, and spelling (“opertunity”) that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I want to meet Chris Farley because he was won of the greatest comedian in the world. All the characters he used to do were so funny like he used to be on Saturday Night Live and had a lot on there. He used to do an act with Mike Miers and some other comedians they would dress up like old guys and make fun of a lot of sports players. He did another character named Matt Folly the motivational speaker he would just trash on you and say all this stuff about you

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish, develop, or focus on a relevant controlling idea (“I want to meet Chris Farley”). It is likely that the author has little understanding of purpose and audience of the prompt. Ultimately, this essay completes no parts of the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author provides few details to support the famous person chosen. While some of the famous person’s “characters” are mentioned, the only legitimate reason supplied by the author is that “All the characters he used to do were so funny.” While this may be a valid reason for choosing this famous person, the author fails to develop it in any greater depth.

Organization

No evidence of a unified structure can be discerned in this essay. In the one paragraph provided, the author makes an introductory statement (“I want to meet Chris Farley because he was won of the greatest comedian in the world”) and lists some of the famous person’s achievements, but provides no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This author’s style of language is inappropriate and inadequate given the assignment and audience (“He did another character named Matt Folly the motivational speaker he would just trash on you and say all this stuff about you”). The author also commits basic errors in sentence structure (“All the characters he used to do were so funny like he used to be on Saturday Night Live”) and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows little mastery of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Errors in grammar, mechanics (I want to meet Chris Farley because he was won of the greatest comedian in the world”), punctuation, and spelling interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Where I Grew Up

Some of the fondest memories we carry are those of the places where we grew up. These memories may be about the friends who lived in our neighborhood, the great times spent in our family home, or the important lessons we learned.

Write a narrative in which you describe the place where you grew up. What makes this place so special in your memory? Be sure to use specific details to make your recollection vivid to the readers.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I grew up in Ashville, a very safe and beautiful place to live. My friends, family, teachers, and cousins have all influenced me as I have grown. Ashville is a good place to live because it's a peaceful environment, has great people to be your friends, and a wonderful school. Growing up here has helped me find success and pride deep inside me! Growing up in Ashville is a wonderful experience.

My friends are very helpful in almost everything I do. They help me pull through rather tough situations. My friends sometimes cause the problems, but they apologize and we feel better soon after. One incident I have gone through is when my friend, Kathy, told me I was a brat. I cried and didn't sit with her and I ignored her all day. Later, at recess, she came up to me and told me it isn't as fun to be mad at me as it is to be having fun with me. I smiled and we began to talk to each other once more. I have caused some problems between my friends as well. Once Anna and I were playing outside and I kneed her in the stomach. She got very mad at me and went to play with Kathy. Anna told Kathy what happened and Kathy began to ignore me too! Soon after I went over and apologized, I also told her it was an accident I never actually meant to do it. We all began to talk and play together again.

Ashville is a very peaceful environment with rather friendly people. Ashville has vast lakes, green grass, nice homes, and no big industries. There is one business that sells outdoor heaters, but it doesn't do too much damage to the air. There is also a place down near Lake Cha lk that sells beer and cigarettes. I'm most concerned about people going there because you never know who could be there. Ashville doesn't have many dangerous people and we barely ever see a natural disaster. We do see fires, but they don't come all the time so it's still a safe place. In the middle of Ashville we have a senior center, a town hall, and even a gas station. There is also a church in the center of Ashville for those who don't wish to drive all the way out to another town to go to church. As you can tell by now Ashville is a very great place to live, but if you are looking for a place that's big you have some to the wrong town. Ashville is a rather small town, so don't expect anything big!

The last reason I like Ashville is because of the school. It's called Ash ville School and it's the only one in Ashville. To go to high school you would either go to Smith or Jones Technical. The school goes from pre-k to 8th grade. In pre-k to 5th you have one teacher besides your teachers for Physical Education, Art, Music, etc. In 6th to 8th grade, however, you switch classes. In 4th through 8th grade the kids will do Mastery Testing, (MT). The students go to school for 180 days and have 4 marking periods. In 6th to 8th grade the students get mid-terms in the mail, which come when you are half way into the marking period, and the mid-term will tell you how well you are doing. There are 4 main subjects the students do in school. These subjects are as follows: Language Arts, Science, Mathematics, and Social Studies. In 8th grade those who do very well in Math will do Algebra. In 7th and 8th grade you get to choose your 5th major subject. That subject can either be Spanish or Reading . Ashville school has many after-school programs such as: Drama, Sports, and extra help on homework. These after-school programs can only be done if the student has permission to stay after-school from their parents. In 7th and 8th you have a dance almost every month from 7:30 to 9:30. These dances cost $5 per student and you need to have the student's signature and the parent/guardian signature. Ash ville School has so much to offer!!

That's all I have to tell you about my life in Ashville, but you should be able to see from these few examples, that it’s really an awesome place. My reasoning should seem self-explanatory. Ashville is a clean environment, has a wonderful community, and a very offering school. Why wouldn’t anyone want to live here? I have lived here for 11 years, I'm 12, and it's been great for me. So, if you are looking for a nice, peaceful, and relaxing environment then Ashville is the place for you!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. (“ Growing up here has helped me find success and pride deep inside me! Growing up in Ashville is a wonderful experience.”) It also p rovides description and details that are all relevant to the story. (“ Ashville is a very peaceful environment with rather friendly people. Ashville has vast lakes, green grass, nice homes, and no big industries.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It provides a thoroughly detailed and developed setting. (“ Ashville is a good place to live because it's a peaceful environment, has great people to be your friends, and a wonderful school.” “Ashville doesn't have many dangerous people and we barely ever see a natural disaster. We do see fires, but they don't come all the time so it's still a safe place.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization, and it captures the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Growing up here has helped me find success and pride deep inside me! Growing up in Ashville is a wonderful experience.”) The s tory in the essay flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, and it has a conclusion that pulls the entire story together. (“ That's all I have to tell you about my life in Ashville, but you should be able to see from these few examples, that it’s really an awesome place.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. (“ Ashville is a very peaceful environment with rather friendly people. Ashville has vast lakes, green grass, nice homes, and no big industries. There is one business that sells outdoor heaters, but it doesn't do too much damage to the air.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay has very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are f ew or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“ The last reason I like Ashville is because of the school. It's called Ash ville School and it's the only one in Ashville. To go to high school you would either go to Smith or Jones Technical. The school goes from pre-k to 8th grade.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My family room, my safe haven, my peace place, whatever you call it this room that holds my fondest memories. From the moment I return from a long and arduous day of school, I am warmly greeted by my living rooms out stretched arms beaconing for me to relax on the couch. From pictures of first graders with missing front teeth, to the original pieces of art work plastered on the walls this room does not just hold floor and furniture. It holds something more special; my childhood memories.

"This is not the room to horseplay in!" the most common scold of a mother to her kids. The lesson I unfortunately learned the hard way in my family room.I was an innocent playful child on an annual Oreo sugar rush wanting to play a game with my older brother. Transforming the living room into a wild and dangerous rain Forrest, climbing all over the furniture became our form of entertainment until I fell right off the couch and onto the freshly placed tile. Fifteen stitches later, I learned not to horseplay on furniture and to sparingly listen to what my mother had to say.

The peaceful sound of a calm, suburban family getting together for a quiet meal is what you would expect to take place in most family rooms. However, that is not what you get with my family. We are loud New-Yorkers and proud. With a family of five we are running somewhere almost every second of every day. Weather it is high school baseball games, dance recitals, or gymnastics practice, the family room has always been there. My family room is just the place where all thoughts are unleashed to one another and daily discussion always occurs. With hectic lives' day to day, in my family it is important to just sit back and reconnect with each other on occasion.

My annual sleepovers and friend gatherings would be nothing without this room. Most of my best friends and I spend all our time in my family room just to collect one self, which is always needed in the life of a teenager. From blaring music and dancing to painting our nails funky colors, it all happens here. Ever since I can remember, my friends and I have always had our best memories in this one room. Like all the times growing up we created our own plays and dance recitals.

As I stand in the middle of my living room I just absorb it all in, not the color of the walls or the scent of the air freshener. I absorb in all the memories that are circulating around me. You can not see but there always remembered. My thirteen years of old times live on in this room and without it I am incomplete. This is where my innermost thoughts are released into the open, my family reconnects with one another, and where my friends and I be crazy teenagers. This room has help mold me into the person I have become. I just sit back, take in a deep breath, and really enjoy my childhood hangout and dig back into my past.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It provides description and details that are all relevant to the story in the essay. (“ From pictures of first graders with missing front teeth, to the original pieces of art work plastered on the walls this room does not just hold floor and furniture. It holds something more special; my childhood memories.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It provides a well-developed plot and setting. (“ Transforming the living room into a wild and dangerous rain Forrest, climbing all over the furniture became our form of entertainment until I fell right off the couch and onto the freshly placed tile. Fifteen stitches later, I learned not to horseplay on furniture and to sparingly listen to what my mother had to say.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. The opening of essay excites readers to continue reading. (“ My family room, my safe haven, my peace place, whatever you call it this room that holds my fondest memories. From the moment I return from a long and arduous day of school, I am warmly greeted by my living rooms out stretched arms beaconing for me to relax on the couch.”) The story in the essay flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The conclusion provides readers with a sense of completeness. (“ This room has help mold me into the person I have become. I just sit back, take in a deep breath, and really enjoy my childhood hangout and dig back into my past.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety . (“ From blaring music and dancing to painting our nails funky colors, it all happens here. Ever since I can remember, my friends and I have always had our best memories in this one room. Like all the times growing up we created our own plays and dance recitals.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. (“ My annual sleepovers and friend gatherings would be nothing without this room. Most of my best friends and I spend all our time in my family room just to collect one self, which is always needed in the life of a teenager. From blaring music and dancing to painting our nails funky colors, it all happens here.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine waking up one morning to the beautiful Maryland skies then looking down to see the amazing landscapes with rabbits, butterflies, caterpillars, and birds which had made you become the nature lover you are today. Beautiful Maryland where I grew up in my home with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a big-screen TV, and two stories high.

I had a comfy place to live, but I mainly enjoyed being outside. I mainly enjoyed the insects outside in Maryland , especially the caterpillars. When it snowed in Maryland none of the insects could come out so I would just play in the snow. I learned something there, always wear two jackets and a sweater when it snows in Maryland and that making a snowball may look easy, but if you think so, you are wrong!

It was difficult without many friends in the neighborhood so I would make my own fun. As I said in the last paragraph I like playing with insects, but it's a lot more fun than it sounds because there was a lot; strange ones, tall ones, big ones, and small ones. There was even some that are very hard to find, for example a praying mantis and there were this bug that lives underground and only come out once after seventeen years.

Other than the insects I had one other friend, he lived behind my house. We would do everything together, play with water-guns, disturb a bee's nest, and just plainly goof off. His parents and my parents were strict so our games were limited, but when they were not looking we would go crazy, doing whatever we wanted. Although, come to think of it, I believe he was my only friend in the whole neighborhood other than the bugs.

As I had said in the previous paragraphs Maryland is where I grew, learned, and played. No matter what season Maryland has always been beautiful (even though I do not know how it is looking now).

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. (“ Beautiful Maryland where I grew up in my home with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a big-screen TV, and two stories high.”) It also provides description and details that are relevant to the story. (“ I had a comfy place to live, but I mainly enjoyed being outside. I mainly enjoyed the insects outside in Maryland , especially the caterpillars. When it snowed in Maryland none of the insects could come out so I would just play in the snow.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It provides a reasonably developed plot and setting. The essay holds the readers’ attention for what is happening in the story. (“ It was difficult without many friends in the neighborhood so I would make my own fun. As I said in the last paragraph I like playing with insects, but it's a lot more fun than it sounds because there was a lot; strange ones, tall ones, big ones, and small ones.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It provides an interesting opening that keeps readers wanting to read more. (“ Imagine waking up one morning to the beautiful Maryland skies then looking down to see the amazing landscapes with rabbits, butterflies, caterpillars, and birds which had made you become the nature lover you are today.”) The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another by using transitions to support sequential development. (“ Other than the insects I had one other friend, he lived behind my house. We would do everything together, play with water-guns, disturb a bee's nest, and just plainly goof off.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay uses adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. (“ There was even some that are very hard to find, for example a praying mantis and there were this bug that lives underground and only come out once after seventeen years.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“ Beautiful Maryland where I grew up in my home with four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a big-screen TV, and two stories high.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

For my whole life, I have only lived in one house. It is in Cheltenham on the east side. It is a little area known as the village. I have been there my whole life and because of that have many memories that are with that house. I live on Myrtle Avanue, which is a dead end street so there is not any traffic for the most part. During the summer, my friends and I go to the bottom of the street and hang out by the Tocany Creek, which runs at the bottom of the hill. There is a bus stop at the top of the street right next to the Methodist church. My street is right next to where the fire house which is where my brother is a volunteer. When I turn sixteen, I will be Appling there and hopefully be accepted there.

Now for my house. It has three bedrooms two bathrooms, an office a recreational room and a laundry room and last but not least an attic. My bedroom, which is one of my favorite rooms in the house. It is the middle size bedroom and it is my favorite room because it is my space. It is where I spend a lot of my time when i am home. My second favorite room is the recreational room. This is where I have a Television and games and a computer and my friends hang out at. I have had many memories at this house including parties, birthdays, and just memories of random nights.

I have to say that the thing that makes this house even more special to me has to be the people that live there with me. It used to be my brother his wife and my mom but now there is only me and my mom since my brother moved away, it was only about six or seven blocks away. This house is where I have been my whole life so I have many memories. The memories will still grow since I do not plan on going anywhere for a while until I can afford my own house.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It also provides description and details that may not be relevant to the story. (“ For my whole life, I have only lived in one house. It is in Cheltenham on the east side. It is a little area known as the village.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but lacks sufficient detail needed to make this more than just a summary of what happens in the story. (“ Now for my house. It has three bedrooms two bathrooms, an office a recreational room and a laundry room and last but not least an attic. My bedroom, which is one of my favorite rooms in the house. It is the middle size bedroom and it is my favorite room because it is my space. It is where I spend a lot of my time when i am home.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence, and transitions may be weak. (“ My second favorite room is the recreational room. This is where I have a Television and games and a computer and my friends hang out at. I have had many memories at this house including parties, birthdays, and just memories of random nights.”) The essay p rovides readers with some sense of closure. (“ The memories will still grow since I do not plan on going anywhere for a while until I can afford my own house.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. It also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice. (“ There is a bus stop at the top of the street right next to the Methodist church. My street is right next to where the fire house which is where my brother is a volunteer.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are s everal noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“ I live on Myrtle Avanue, which is a dead end street so there is not any traffic for the most part.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Were I grew up was st.pete I have been every wre there are a lot of good things there that I would love to share like i have one brother and one sister they wre born in Atlanta . But I go there every summer to visit them and my da with thre mom wich is my step mom. When I first left Daytona i really had know idea i moved from another placfe because i was only two. When I first found out about my dda in the hospital i was shocked because i knew that i never really saw him and I knew if he dided i would really have anything.

When my mom asked me were i rather live i told her i wanted to live with her so she told my dad the deal and I was gonna go livge with im the summer and come back for the chool year and on holidays like christmas ill stay with him one week and the otheristay with my mom.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It demonstrates a minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. (“ Were I grew up was st.pete I have been every wre there are a lot of good things there that I would love to share like i have one brother and one sister they wre born in Atlanta .”) It also p rovides description and details that may stray from the main point of the story.

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It provides a minimally developed plot and setting. (“ But I go there every summer to visit them and my da with thre mom wich is my step mom. When I first left Daytona i really had know idea i moved from another placfe because i was only two.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt. The flow of story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. It demonstrates little evidence of a conclusion. (“When my mom asked me were i rather live i told her i wanted to live with her so she told my dad the deal and I was gonna go livge with im the summer and come back for the chool year and on holidays like christmas ill stay with him one week and the otheristay with my mom.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimally effective language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ But I go there every summer to visit them and my da with thre mom wich is my step mom. When I first left Daytona i really had know idea i moved from another placfe because i was only two.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“ When my mom asked me were i rather live i told her i wanted to live with her so she told my dad the deal and I was gonna go livge with im the summer and come back for the chool year and on holidays like christmas ill stay with him one week and the otheristay with my mom.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

WHERE i grew up. I grew up in daytona beach fl,born in halifax hospital it's not all that like i was born at the white house but when i was younger i was living in a foster home then when i was older i was with my mom. I remember that i was living at 342 maple st by orange av.

when i was younger i grew a garden and i grew tomatoes,wild onions,potatos and beans. later i found a turtle and i

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. It also provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story. (“ when i was younger i grew a garden and i grew tomatoes,wild onions,potatos and beans. later i found a turtle and i”)

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It lacks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced, but they are not developed. Lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow. (“ WHERE i grew up. I grew up in daytona beach fl,born in halifax hospital it's not all that like i was born at the white house but when i was younger i was living in a foster home then when i was older i was with my mom. I remember that i was living at 342 maple st by orange av.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It may have an opening that does nothing more than repeat the title of the prompt. (“ WHERE i grew up. I grew up in daytona beach fl,born in halifax hospital it's not all that like i was born at the white house but when i was younger i was living in a foster home then when i was older i was with my mom. I remember that i was living at 342 maple st by orange av.”) The essay lacks basic organization with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas. (“ when i was younger i grew a garden and i grew tomatoes,wild onions,potatos and beans. later i found a turtle and i”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate use of language and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ when i was younger i grew a garden and i grew tomatoes,wild onions,potatos and beans. later i found a turtle and i”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has errors so severe in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“ when i was younger i grew a garden and i grew tomatoes,wild onions,potatos and beans. later i found a turtle and i”)

Write a Creation Myth

All cultures have their own story of creation that describes the first appearance of people on Earth or of the people of their civilization. For example, the Navajo believe that the first beings crawled up through a reed from the three underworlds into the Fourth World , where the process of creating all living things began. These creation myths frequently involve deities and different materials, like swirling waters or mud, from which the earth is made. If you lived in an ancient civilization, how might you have believed that the earth was created? Would your creation myth involve deities, already existing animals or creatures, and mountains or volcanoes?

Write a myth as a member of an ancient civilization in which you describe how the earth and its creatures were created.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Everyone knows the earth was created somehow. Billions and billions of years ago, there were gods. They all lived within the universe, happy throughout the darkness of the sky. They were beyond friendly to each other, almost like best friends. The main god, Chief, used to get angry when the other gods did not agree with him. To relieve his anger, he would throw a single rock, almost perfectly smoothed and rounded so that very little bumps were in existence, out into his yard of starry skies. The rocks were like boomerangs, and they bounced immediately back to him, so he never had to worry about running out of his solution to his anger. One very very angry day, Chief took his biggest rock, which he had been saving for a day like that day. The other gods were whispering behind his back and surprisingly being quite rude to him. He used all his strength, picked up the rock, and used both his arms and his legs to throw it down into no where. Normally the rock would arrive back within twenty minutes, so he plopped down, shaking the galaxies, stared at nothing, and waited. He waited, and waited, and waited. Until he realized waiting twelve hours was too long. The rock was definitely not coming back, and after waking up the next day, he saw what became of the rock. It had become a planet. The planet of Earth, as Chief decided to name it.

All the Gods were amazed by Earth. They would sit and stare for hours and hours on end. Chief was so amazed by this planet, and so proud that he was the creator, yet he did not decide to tell anyone it was his. He told his beloved wife, and only her, that he had created the beautiful planet that was now their first child. She jumped in happiness at this news, and Chief reminded her she could not tell anyone about this.

As days went on, Chief never looked away from Earth. He decided it needed something, so he was going to throw a few more objects out into the galaxy toward Earth, hoping they would get caught somehow and add something interesting to the planet. The food the gods ate were seeds, as they called them, and they were hard and delicious. They were so delicious that Chief was sure they would add something beautiful to his Earth. As the gods were eating their daily feast, Chief grabbed some of the yellow seeds, always eaten before the main course, and stuffed them into his large pocket for later. He and his wife, Lavender, asked to be excused from the table during dessert with the yellow seeds, and they snuck off to the big field that was on the other side of the galaxy the gods lived in. They used all their might and launched the yellow seeds into the darkness. Within three seconds, they became tiny little specks and after four hours Lavender and Chief noticed they successfully landed on Earth.

"We'll go to sleep and hopefully when we wake, Earth will be as beautiful as ever,” Chief said to Lavender.

When the couple awoke, all the gods were sitting in a group, pointing and whispering about Earth. Chief turned and was in shock. His plan had worked. Many little sprouts had risen from the ground, with green sheets of a papery substance coming out of each side. Trees, Chief named them. The gods then went around repeating "trees" the whole night. Each day, Lavender scavenged for things she thought would look pretty on her planet-child. She would bring them home to Chief and he would throw them to Earth, using the amount of strength he needed for the objects to reach. They decided to throw water once, which formed something Lavender named "oceans.”

After about a week, Chief noticed the trees, oceans, and other things he added to the planet were getting lonely, and needed creatures that moved and breathed to make Earth more happy. Using clay and dirt, Chief created a creature for the water, which he named "fish,” and many many creatures Lavender named "animals.” They were completely pleased.

Several months later, Chief and Lavender remembered they would live forever, and after the 400 years they already lived, they wanted a different place to live. They wanted to live alone together, with none of the other gods whispering and acting rude to them. Behind the gods' backs, they took the biggest leap they ever took and jumped toward Earth. They traveled through the sky, passing the sun, the moon, stars, and clouds on the way. As they became closer to Earth, they sped through a thicker area of air, which they called the "Ozone Layer.” Finally, with a loud thump, shaking the trees and their leaves, they landed right on a piece of land they named " North America .” They were so pleased with their new home. The first few weeks they lived there, they went around naming each piece of land, each ocean, and each beautiful irregularity of the planet.

Two hundred years later, they created humans, animals that could communicate and live just like them. Years later, the humans grew older and had humans of their own. Then decades later, they died. Although they always died off, there were more to take their places. Lavender and Chief knew they would never be lonely, but never bothered again.

And since then, we lived on Earth, Lavender and Chief's beautiful child, the way the humans they created lived from the beginning, happy and joyful our whole lives, knowing Lavender and Chief are hiding somewhere within the humans, watching us forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative conveys very effective focus and meaning. It demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose, audience, and task, while providing description and details that are all relevant to the story.

The main event of the story is stated very effectively. (“ Everyone knows the earth was created somehow. Billions and billions of years ago, there were gods. They all lived within the universe, happy throughout the darkness of the sky. They were beyond friendly to each other, almost like best friends. The main god, Chief, used to get angry when the other gods did not agree with him. To relieve his anger, he would throw a single rock, almost perfectly smoothed and rounded so that very little bumps were in existence, out into his yard of starry skies. The rocks were like boomerangs, and they bounced immediately back to him, so he never had to worry about running out of his solution to his anger. One very very angry day, Chief took his biggest rock, which he had been saving for a day like that day. The other gods were whispering behind his back and surprisingly being quite rude to him. He used all his strength, picked up the rock, and used both his arms and his legs to throw it down into no where. Normally the rock would arrive back within twenty minutes, so he plopped down, shaking the galaxies, stared at nothing, and waited. He waited, and waited, and waited. Until he realized waiting twelve hours was too long. The rock was definitely not coming back, and after waking up the next day, he saw what became of the rock. It had become a planet. The planet of Earth, as Chief decided to name it.”)

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is clear. (“Everyone knows the earth was created somehow. Billions and billions of years ago, there were gods. They all lived within the universe, happy throughout the darkness of the sky. They were beyond friendly to each other, almost like best friends. The main god, Chief, used to get angry when the other gods did not agree with him. To relieve his anger, he would throw a single rock, almost perfectly smoothed and rounded so that very little bumps were in existence, out into his yard of starry skies. The rocks were like boomerangs, and they bounced immediately back to him, so he never had to worry about running out of his solution to his anger. One very very angry day, Chief took his biggest rock, which he had been saving for a day like that day. The other gods were whispering behind his back and surprisingly being quite rude to him. He used all his strength, picked up the rock, and used both his arms and his legs to throw it down into no where. Normally the rock would arrive back within twenty minutes, so he plopped down, shaking the galaxies, stared at nothing, and waited. He waited, and waited, and waited. Until he realized waiting twelve hours was too long. The rock was definitely not coming back, and after waking up the next day, he saw what became of the rock. It had become a planet. The planet of Earth, as Chief decided to name it.”)

The details in the story support the topic and purpose very effectively. (“ Two hundred years later, they created humans, animals that could communicate and live just like them. Years later, the humans grew older and had humans of their own. Then decades later, they died. Although they always died off, there were more to take their places. Lavender and Chief knew they would never be lonely, but never bothered again.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are provided. The writer establishes a thoroughly detailed and developed plot and setting. Complex characters are created. Furthermore, the writer clearly creates tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story. Dialogue may be used very effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The characters are developed in very effective detail. (“The main god, Chief, used to get angry when the other gods did not agree with him. To relieve his anger, he would throw a single rock, almost perfectly smoothed and rounded so that very little bumps were in existence, out into his yard of starry skies. The rocks were like boomerangs, and they bounced immediately back to him, so he never had to worry about running out of his solution to his anger.”)

The plot is very effectively developed. (“As days went on, Chief never looked away from Earth. He decided it needed something, so he was going to throw a few more objects out into the galaxy toward Earth, hoping they would get caught somehow and add something interesting to the planet. The food the gods ate were seeds, as they called them, and they were hard and delicious. They were so delicious that Chief was sure they would add something beautiful to his Earth. As the gods were eating their daily feast, Chief grabbed some of the yellow seeds, always eaten before the main course, and stuffed them into his large pocket for later. He and his wife, Lavender, asked to be excused from the table during dessert with the yellow seeds, and they snuck off to the big field that was on the other side of the galaxy the gods lived in. They used all their might and launched the yellow seeds into the darkness. Within three seconds, they became tiny little specks and after four hours Lavender and Chief noticed they successfully landed on Earth.”)

The outcome or resolution is very effectively described. (“Several months later, Chief and Lavender remembered they would live forever, and after the 400 years they already lived, they wanted a different place to live. They wanted to live alone together, with none of the other gods whispering and acting rude to them. Behind the gods' backs, they took the biggest leap they ever took and jumped toward Earth. They traveled through the sky, passing the sun, the moon, stars, and clouds on the way. As they became closer to Earth, they sped through a thicker area of air, which they called the ‘Ozone Layer.’ Finally, with a loud thump, shaking the trees and their leaves, they landed right on a piece of land they named ‘ North America .’ They were so pleased with their new home. The first few weeks they lived there, they went around naming each piece of land, each ocean, and each beautiful irregularity of the planet. …Two hundred years later, they created humans, animals that could communicate and live just like them. Years later, the humans grew older and had humans of their own. Then decades later, they died. Although they always died off, there were more to take their places. Lavender and Chief knew they would never be lonely, but never bothered again. …And since then, we lived on Earth, Lavender and Chief's beautiful child, the way the humans they created lived from the beginning, happy and joyful our whole lives, knowing Lavender and Chief are hiding somewhere within the humans, watching us forever.”)

Organization

The narrative shows very effective organization. The writer captures the readers’ attention with a clever opening. The story flows very smoothly because of excellent transitions that support sequential development, along with an ending that pulls the entire story together.

The beginning includes very effective background information about the event. (“Everyone knows the earth was created somehow. Billions and billions of years ago, there were gods. They all lived within the universe, happy throughout the darkness of the sky. They were beyond friendly to each other, almost like best friends. The main god, Chief, used to get angry when the other gods did not agree with him. To relieve his anger, he would throw a single rock, almost perfectly smoothed and rounded so that very little bumps were in existence, out into his yard of starry skies. The rocks were like boomerangs, and they bounced immediately back to him, so he never had to worry about running out of his solution to his anger. One very very angry day, Chief took his biggest rock, which he had been saving for a day like that day. The other gods were whispering behind his back and surprisingly being quite rude to him. He used all his strength, picked up the rock, and used both his arms and his legs to throw it down into no where. Normally the rock would arrive back within twenty minutes, so he plopped down, shaking the galaxies, stared at nothing, and waited. He waited, and waited, and waited. Until he realized waiting twelve hours was too long. The rock was definitely not coming back, and after waking up the next day, he saw what became of the rock. It had become a planet. The planet of Earth, as Chief decided to name it.”)

Events are clearly in order. (“As days went on, Chief never looked away from Earth. …After about a week, Chief noticed the trees, oceans, and other things he added to the planet were getting lonely, and needed creatures that moved and breathed to make Earth more happy. … Several months later, Chief and Lavender remembered they would live forever, and after the 400 years they already lived, they wanted a different place to live.”)

The story demonstrates a very effective ending. (“Two hundred years later, they created humans, animals that could communicate and live just like them. Years later, the humans grew older and had humans of their own. Then decades later, they died. Although they always died off, there were more to take their places. Lavender and Chief knew they would never be lonely, but never bothered again. …And since then, we lived on Earth, Lavender and Chief's beautiful child, the way the humans they created lived from the beginning, happy and joyful our whole lives, knowing Lavender and Chief are hiding somewhere within the humans, watching us forever.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is evident in the story. The narrative demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined v oice, and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured and varied sentences are also seen throughout.

The last two paragraphs are aligned well through language and tone. (“ Two hundred years later, they created humans, animals that could communicate and live just like them. Years later, the humans grew older and had humans of their own. Then decades later, they died. Although they always died off, there were more to take their places. Lavender and Chief knew they would never be lonely, but never bothered again. …And since then, we lived on Earth, Lavender and Chief's beautiful child, the way the humans they created lived from the beginning, happy and joyful our whole lives, knowing Lavender and Chief are hiding somewhere within the humans, watching us forever.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the following paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ When the couple awoke, all the gods were sitting in a group, pointing and whispering about Earth. Chief turned and was in shock. His plan had worked. Many little sprouts had risen from the ground, with green sheets of a papery substance coming out of each side. Trees, Chief named them. The gods then went around repeating ‘trees’ the whole night. Each day, Lavender scavenged for things she thought would look pretty on her planet-child. She would bring them home to Chief and he would throw them to Earth, using the amount of strength he needed for the objects to reach. They decided to throw water once, which formed something Lavender named ‘oceans.’ …After about a week, Chief noticed the trees, oceans, and other things he added to the planet were getting lonely, and needed creatures that moved and breathed to make Earth more happy. Using clay and dirt, Chief created a creature for the water, which he named ‘fish,’ and many many creatures Lavender named ‘animals.’ They were completely pleased.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ She jumped in happiness at this news, and Chief reminded her she could not tell anyone about this.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions in this narrative. Few or no er rors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ As days went on, Chief never looked away from Earth. He decided it needed something, so he was going to throw a few more objects out into the galaxy toward Earth, hoping they would get caught somehow and add something interesting to the planet.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Ashfur, (all mighty god sun), was not a typical god. He was the leader of a group of gods who were evil, and did not want what was best for the land. Hemming, (humidity), Oscar, (the ocean, the tide, and the waves), and Colin, (the clouds), were all part of the evil plan. None of these knew the truth and beauty of happiness and kindness. None of them knew what Tresamae (now Jamaica ), could become.

A long time ago, in a land surrounded completely by water, there was a dominion. The gods who lived there called themselves the gods of "Tresamae" and they did in fact, live in the land of Tresamae . The ruler was an all mighty god who reigned over all the land. His name was Ashfur. He was the only light in the land and rarely shone himself for the other, less powerful gods of Tresamae. He was a bitter, negative got and he didn't think that the people of Tresamae were worthy of receiving benefits from his power.

When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens. However, because of Ashfur's selfish nature he would usually refused to shine his light. He preferred to keep himself hidden and cause the rain to fall from Colin. Colin was another god of the skies who was close with Ashfur. Them, along with Oscar and Hemming, two other gods of the skies, created a hostile atmosphere in Tresamae and they essentially were killing everyone off.

This went on for hundreds of year until a one day they created a dreadful, dark storm like none other before. A storm so powerful that the gods themselves lost control over it. It forced Hemming to appear and raise the temperature, Oscar to shudder and create massive waves, and Colin to pour down rain on Tresamae. It even caused Ashfur to come out of hiding and shed his light on Tresamae. The storm lasted for several days and nights until it finally subsided into a mist.

Then, through the mist, there was a beautiful light, greater than Ashfur could ever create, and it stunned all the gods. As the light grew, a figure appeared drifting closer and closer towards the gods. Finally, they were able to see that the figure was a beautiful goddess. Not just any goddess, she was Harmony, goddess of life. When she spoke, her voice was melodic and angelic. She gazed into the skies and told the gods, "The land you have created has suffered greatly. It was once a land of peace and happiness, now it is desolate and bitter because of your selfish ways. It does not have to be this way, it can once again be a land of peace and happiness. Use your powers not for yourselves, but for Tresamae; for your powers are a gift that is meant to be shared with the beautiful land of Tresamae ".

Beguiled by her words, Ashfur, Hemming, Oscar, and Colin agreed to change their ways and share their powers with their mystical land. Harmony then discovered a sacred water on the land which she scooped into her hands and the gods then offered a piece of their powers to her which she molded to form a figure. But her creation was not complete. She then released her aura to give the figure life. With the help of the gods, the first human was born on a land of beauty with fertile soil to grow luscious greens, plants and food. With the gods and the goddess, Tresamae was now a majestic land of beauty, peace, grace and happiness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are depicted in the story. A general understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. The writer provides description and details that are all relevant to the story.

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are developed well. (“When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens. However, because of Ashfur's selfish nature he would usually refused to shine his light. He preferred to keep himself hidden and cause the rain to fall from Colin. Colin was another god of the skies who was close with Ashfur. Them, along with Oscar and Hemming, two other gods of the skies, created a hostile atmosphere in Tresamae and they essentially were killing everyone off.”)

In the beginning, what happened before the main event is stated effectively. (“Ashfur, (all mighty god sun), was not a typical god. He was the leader of a group of gods who were evil, and did not want what was best for the land. Hemming, (humidity), Oscar, (the ocean, the tide, and the waves), and Colin, (the clouds), were all part of the evil plan. None of these knew the truth and beauty of happiness and kindness. None of them knew what Tresamae (now Jamaica ), could become. …A long time ago, in a land surrounded completely by water, there was a dominion. The gods who lived there called themselves the gods of ‘Tresamae’ and they did in fact, live in the land of Tresamae . The ruler was an all mighty god who reigned over all the land. His name was Ashfur. He was the only light in the land and rarely shone himself for the other, less powerful gods of Tresamae. He was a bitter, negative got and he didn't think that the people of Tresamae were worthy of receiving benefits from his power.”)

The sensory words (words that describe how something looks, tastes, sounds, feels, or smells) are developed effectively. (“This went on for hundreds of year until a one day they created a dreadful, dark storm like none other before. A storm so powerful that the gods themselves lost control over it. It forced Hemming to appear and raise the temperature, Oscar to shudder and create massive waves, and Colin to pour down rain on Tresamae. It even caused Ashfur to come out of hiding and shed his light on Tresamae. The storm lasted for several days and nights until it finally subsided into a mist.”)

Content & Development

The story consists of good content and development. The writer provides a well-developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Tension, conflict, or a problem that heightens the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story is established. Dialogue may be used effectively to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Detail is used to develop the main events of the story effectively. (“When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens. However, because of Ashfur's selfish nature he would usually refused to shine his light. He preferred to keep himself hidden and cause the rain to fall from Colin. Colin was another god of the skies who was close with Ashfur. Them, along with Oscar and Hemming, two other gods of the skies, created a hostile atmosphere in Tresamae and they essentially were killing everyone off.”)

The setting is effectively developed with details. (“ No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens.”)

The plot is effectively developed. (“Then, through the mist, there was a beautiful light, greater than Ashfur could ever create, and it stunned all the gods. As the light grew, a figure appeared drifting closer and closer towards the gods. Finally, they were able to see that the figure was a beautiful goddess. Not just any goddess, she was Harmony, goddess of life. When she spoke, her voice was melodic and angelic. She gazed into the skies and told the gods, ‘The land you have created has suffered greatly. It was once a land of peace and happiness, now it is desolate and bitter because of your selfish ways. It does not have to be this way, it can once again be a land of peace and happiness. Use your powers not for yourselves, but for Tresamae; for your powers are a gift that is meant to be shared with the beautiful land of Tresamae ’.”)

Organization

This narrative is characterized by good organization. The opening of the story excites readers to continue reading. The story flows smoothly from one event to another with effective transitions that support sequential development. The ending provides readers with a sense of closure.

The beginning includes effective background information about the event. (“ Ashfur, (all mighty god sun), was not a typical god. He was the leader of a group of gods who were evil, and did not want what was best for the land. Hemming, (humidity), Oscar, (the ocean, the tide, and the waves), and Colin, (the clouds), were all part of the evil plan. None of these knew the truth and beauty of happiness and kindness. None of them knew what Tresamae (now Jamaica ), could become.”)

Transitions are used effectively to connect events. (“ This went on for hundreds of year until a one day they created a dreadful, dark storm like none other before. …Then, through the mist, there was a beautiful light, greater than Ashfur could ever create, and it stunned all the gods.”)

An effective ending is demonstrated. (“ Beguiled by her words, Ashfur, Hemming, Oscar, and Colin agreed to change their ways and share their powers with their mystical land. Harmony then discovered a sacred water on the land which she scooped into her hands and the gods then offered a piece of their powers to her which she molded to form a figure. But her creation was not complete. She then released her aura to give the figure life. With the help of the gods, the first human was born on a land of beauty with fertile soil to grow luscious greens, plants and food. With the gods and the goddess, Tresamae was now a majestic land of beauty, peace, grace and happiness.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is good. The story demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. W ell-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ A long time ago, in a land surrounded completely by water, there was a dominion. The gods who lived there called themselves the gods of ‘Tresamae’ and they did in fact, live in the land of Tresamae . The ruler was an all mighty god who reigned over all the land. His name was Ashfur. He was the only light in the land and rarely shone himself for the other, less powerful gods of Tresamae. He was a bitter, negative got and he didn't think that the people of Tresamae were worthy of receiving benefits from his power. …When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens. However, because of Ashfur's selfish nature he would usually refused to shine his light. He preferred to keep himself hidden and cause the rain to fall from Colin. Colin was another god of the skies who was close with Ashfur. Them, along with Oscar and Hemming, two other gods of the skies, created a hostile atmosphere in Tresamae and they essentially were killing everyone off.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the story. (“ A long time ago, in a land surrounded completely by water, there was a dominion. The gods who lived there called themselves the gods of ‘Tresamae’ and they did in fact, live in the land of Tresamae . The ruler was an all mighty god who reigned over all the land. His name was Ashfur. He was the only light in the land and rarely shone himself for the other, less powerful gods of Tresamae. He was a bitter, negative got and he didn't think that the people of Tresamae were worthy of receiving benefits from his power. …When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born. Plants began to grow, and the soil was fertile for the first time, creating more food and luscious greens. However, because of Ashfur's selfish nature he would usually refused to shine his light. He preferred to keep himself hidden and cause the rain to fall from Colin. Colin was another god of the skies who was close with Ashfur. Them, along with Oscar and Hemming, two other gods of the skies, created a hostile atmosphere in Tresamae and they essentially were killing everyone off.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ Then, through the mist, there was a beautiful light, greater than Ashfur could ever create, and it stunned all the gods.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is shown in this story. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message . For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When Ashfur was born from the god and goddess of the universe, it was obvious that he would be a powerful god. No one before him had ever had the gift of giving light, therefore, the Land of Tresamae was completely transformed when he was born.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

In the beginning there was nothing but Maputo . Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.However Maputo didn't feel appreciated so he created humans and their language. The humans called him God and Maputo enjoyed this.

The humans populated, grew and became intelligent. Maputo , however, realized that they were starting to forget about him and he got extremely angry. He got the idea of a giant storm to punish the humans. The storm was to powerful though and created a giant flood. The flood killed most people except one old man who thanked Maputo everyday. Maputo didn't want to punish the old man so he made the old man a giant boat. The old man got on the boat but didn't just take himself he took two of every animal and as many people with him. This act of great kindness changed Maputo . Maputo decided to never punish humans again but would allow them to punish each other. The people realized this and thanked him more then ever before and so Maputo decided to give the humans a gift. The gift was knowledge, great knowledge that made humans just a intelligent as Maputo . After giving this gift Maputo went off to create more in the universe. In the time he was gone humans made great civilizations. Most greater then todays countries.

When Maputo finally came back to check up on Mars he was shocked at what he saw! He saw nothing on Mars just metal and technology and everything was wrong. The people forgot Maputo and completely changed his planet. Maputo became furious at this sight! He summoned up volcanoes and melted the planet and made it dry and desolate. Maputo then decided to give it another try because he missed having humans and a planet to look after. He then went to Earth the planet he originally planned to use as the humans planet. He then created everything that was on Mars. This time, however, everyone remembered him and never forgot. This made Maputo especially happy and he decided that he could leave them be for now. Maputo still checks up on Earth and his humans but does not change anything because he feels that we are doing everything exactly correct.

Eventually Maputo got bored with Earth and left it. He did however use it as a model for other planets he was creating. He created new beings like humans but not humans. He never got another planet as good as Earth and its humans. All others messed up and failed. However, Maputo never gave up and is still working on making another planet better then Earth. That is the story of the origin of man and the creation of Earth.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This story provides adequate focus and meaning. The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose, audience, and task and provides description and details that are relevant to the story.

The main event is adequately stated. (“In the beginning there was nothing but Maputo . Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.However Maputo didn't feel appreciated so he created humans and their language. The humans called him God and Maputo enjoyed this.”)

The parts of the story relate to the main event. (“ The humans populated, grew and became intelligent. Maputo , however, realized that they were starting to forget about him and he got extremely angry. He got the idea of a giant storm to punish the humans. The storm was to powerful though and created a giant flood. The flood killed most people except one old man who thanked Maputo everyday. Maputo didn't want to punish the old man so he made the old man a giant boat. The old man got on the boat but didn't just take himself he took two of every animal and as many people with him. This act of great kindness changed Maputo . Maputo decided to never punish humans again but would allow them to punish each other. The people realized this and thanked him more then ever before and so Maputo decided to give the humans a gift.”)

Details about characters are adequate. (“ In the beginning there was nothing but Maputo . Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.However Maputo didn't feel appreciated so he created humans and their language.”)

Content & Development

The story features adequate content and development. The writer provides a reasonably developed plot and setting and creates believable characters. Tension, conflict, or a problem that holds the readers’ suspense for what will happen in the story is established. Dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

Adequate detail is used to develop the main events. (“The humans populated, grew and became intelligent. Maputo , however, realized that they were starting to forget about him and he got extremely angry. He got the idea of a giant storm to punish the humans. The storm was to powerful though and created a giant flood. The flood killed most people except one old man who thanked Maputo everyday. Maputo didn't want to punish the old man so he made the old man a giant boat. The old man got on the boat but didn't just take himself he took two of every animal and as many people with him. This act of great kindness changed Maputo . Maputo decided to never punish humans again but would allow them to punish each other. The people realized this and thanked him more then ever before and so Maputo decided to give the humans a gift. The gift was knowledge, great knowledge that made humans just a intelligent as Maputo . After giving this gift Maputo went off to create more in the universe. In the time he was gone humans made great civilizations. Most greater then todays countries.”)

The characters are developed in adequate detail. (“In the beginning there was nothing but Maputo . Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.However Maputo didn't feel appreciated so he created humans and their language. The humans called him God and Maputo enjoyed this.”)

The plot is adequately developed. (“When Maputo finally came back to check up on Mars he was shocked at what he saw! He saw nothing on Mars just metal and technology and everything was wrong. The people forgot Maputo and completely changed his planet. Maputo became furious at this sight! He summoned up volcanoes and melted the planet and made it dry and desolate. Maputo then decided to give it another try because he missed having humans and a planet to look after. He then went to Earth the planet he originally planned to use as the humans planet. He then created everything that was on Mars. This time, however, everyone remembered him and never forgot. This made Maputo especially happy and he decided that he could leave them be for now. Maputo still checks up on Earth and his humans but does not change anything because he feels that we are doing everything exactly correct.”)

Organization

The narrative shows adequate organization. An interesting opening keeps readers reading. The story generally flows smoothly from one event to another with transitions to support sequential development.

The beginning includes only adequate background information about the event. (“ In the beginning there was nothing but Maputo . Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.However Maputo didn't feel appreciated so he created humans and their language. The humans called him God and Maputo enjoyed this.”)

Transitions are used to connect events in the story. (“ When Maputo finally came back to check up on Mars he was shocked at what he saw! …Eventually Maputo got bored with Earth and left it.”)

The story includes an adequate ending. (“ Eventually Maputo got bored with Earth and left it. He did however use it as a model for other planets he was creating. He created new beings like humans but not humans. He never got another planet as good as Earth and its humans. All others messed up and failed. However, Maputo never gave up and is still working on making another planet better then Earth. That is the story of the origin of man and the creation of Earth.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are apparent when reading this story. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The story generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The humans populated, grew and became intelligent. Maputo , however, realized that they were starting to forget about him and he got extremely angry. He got the idea of a giant storm to punish the humans. The storm was to powerful though and created a giant flood. The flood killed most people except one old man who thanked Maputo everyday.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “Earth” and “creation” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ However, Maputo never gave up and is still working on making another planet better then Earth. That is the story of the origin of man and the creation of Earth.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as illustrated by the following excerpt: “ Maputo was bored with the emptiness and decided to create. He created many things including Mars. He saw that Mars was empty and boring so he decided to add water and land and trees and animals.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the story. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When Maputo finally came back to check up on Mars he was shocked at what he saw! He saw nothing on Mars just metal and technology and everything was wrong. The people forgot Maputo and completely changed his planet. Maputo became furious at this sight! He summoned up volcanoes and melted the planet and made it dry and desolate.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

Once, in a time before time, when only the biengs that governed exestance dwelled, a man was created. they named him Thym; However Thym had no place to live or roam. so the great biengs created for him a home and granted him the power to shape this place, wich he had named earth, in any way he saw fit.

Thym toyald and worked for a great long time making his world as perfict as he could, but nomatter how hard he tried or how many times he shaped and reshaped his plannet he could not get saticefied. so in an act of desperation he confronted the creaters and requested that they make him a companion. So they did, and he was very happy. But nomatter how hard they tryed to make her as perfict as he, they could not. She was named Noita and infact, she was qite feable. She did not poses any powers of any kind. With her name chosen and her faults aside, she was placed on the earth alongside Thym.

After some time an inseperable bond began to form began the two and they fell deeply in love.The lovers went about their buisness of creating and perfecting the world. Thym created magnificant and wonderfull formations and creatures of all sort, and Niota was rite thare beside him naming and nutureing all that he had created. Finally thym was saticefied with all that was alongside his lovely wife noita.

Now that all was perfict in their eyes Thym and Noita decided to have children, and indeed they did. They populated the earth with their offspring, and all was good, joy and peace spread and coverd the earth; However because Noita was so very week and fragile, she could not survive giving birth to so many children. so in the great time of celabration Niota perished and all wes sad and the peace vanished and war and chayos consumed the world. This is how the worl as we know it was formed. Fin.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed through this story. The narrative demonstrates a limited understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. Additionally, description and details are provided that may not be relevant to the story.

The main event of the story is stated. (“Once, in a time before time, when only the biengs that governed exestance dwelled, a man was created. they named him Thym; However Thym had no place to live or roam. so the great biengs created for him a home and granted him the power to shape this place, wich he had named earth, in any way he saw fit.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“After some time an inseperable bond began to form began the two and they fell deeply in love.The lovers went about their buisness of creating and perfecting the world. Thym created magnificant and wonderfull formations and creatures of all sort, and Niota was rite thare beside him naming and nutureing all that he had created. Finally thym was saticefied with all that was alongside his lovely wife noita.”)

Details about characters are limited. (“Thym toyald and worked for a great long time making his world as perfict as he could, but nomatter how hard he tried or how many times he shaped and reshaped his plannet he could not get saticefied. so in an act of desperation he confronted the creaters and requested that they make him a companion. So they did, and he was very happy. But nomatter how hard they tryed to make her as perfict as he, they could not. She was named Noita and infact, she was qite feable. She did not poses any powers of any kind. With her name chosen and her faults aside, she was placed on the earth alongside Thym.”)

Content & Development

Readers of this story will find limited content and development. The narrative provides an adequately developed plot, setting, and characters, but it lacks sufficient detail to make it more than just a summary of what happens in the story. Tension, conflict, or a problem may be stated but not developed. Some dialogue may be used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is developed in only limited detail. (“Once, in a time before time, when only the biengs that governed exestance dwelled, a man was created. they named him Thym; However Thym had no place to live or roam. so the great biengs created for him a home and granted him the power to shape this place, wich he had named earth, in any way he saw fit.”)

There are limited sensory details about the characters (how they look, smell, feel, etc.). (“After some time an inseperable bond began to form began the two and they fell deeply in love.The lovers went about their buisness of creating and perfecting the world. Thym created magnificant and wonderfull formations and creatures of all sort, and Niota was rite thare beside him naming and nutureing all that he had created. Finally thym was saticefied with all that was alongside his lovely wife noita.”)

The plot is limited. (“After some time an inseperable bond began to form began the two and they fell deeply in love.The lovers went about their buisness of creating and perfecting the world. Thym created magnificant and wonderfull formations and creatures of all sort, and Niota was rite thare beside him naming and nutureing all that he had created. Finally thym was saticefied with all that was alongside his lovely wife noita.”)

Organization

Limited organization is evident when reading this story. The writer provides an adequate opening that may not hold the readers’ attention. The flow of the story may be broken by gaps in time and sequence. Transitions may be weak, yet readers are provided with some sense of closure.

The beginning demonstrates a limited attempt to grab the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Once, in a time before time, when only the biengs that governed exestance dwelled, a man was created. they named him Thym; However Thym had no place to live or roam. so the great biengs created for him a home and granted him the power to shape this place, wich he had named earth, in any way he saw fit.”)

Transitions are sometimes used to connect events in the story and lead readers through the plot. (“ After some time an inseperable bond began to form began the two and they fell deeply in love.”)

The ending demonstrates a limited attempt to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ Now that all was perfict in their eyes Thym and Noita decided to have children, and indeed they did. They populated the earth with their offspring, and all was good, joy and peace spread and coverd the earth; However because Noita was so very week and fragile, she could not survive giving birth to so many children. so in the great time of celabration Niota perished and all wes sad and the peace vanished and war and chayos consumed the world. This is how the worl as we know it was formed. Fin.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style appears to be limited. The narrative demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ They populated the earth with their offspring, and all was good, joy and peace spread and coverd the earth; However because Noita was so very week and fragile, she could not survive giving birth to so many children.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ This is how the worl as we know it was formed. Fin.”)

There is repetition, with “time” repeated in the first sentence of the story. (“ Once, in a time before time, when only the biengs that governed exestance dwelled, a man was created.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Limited control of mechanics and conventions is apparent to readers of this story. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ However because Noita was so very week and fragile, she could not survive giving birth to so many children. so in the great time of celabration Niota perished and all wes sad and the peace vanished and war and chayos consumed the world. This is how the worl as we know it was formed. Fin.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Story

I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees. So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look. Next they created an animals called dinosaurs who would be there first things on earth. Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people. That's how the earth formed and the people and things on it were created.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This narrative features minimal focus and meaning. A minimal understanding of the purpose, audience, and task is demonstrated. Furthermore, the writer provides description and details that may stray from the point of the story.

In the beginning, the purpose of the story (to entertain, to make a statement, etc.) is only minimally stated. (“ I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees.”)

The audience for the story is often not clear. (“ I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees.”)

Details (who, what, when, why, or how) about the main event are minimally developed. (“I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees. So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look. Next they created an animals called dinosaurs who would be there first things on earth. Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people. That's how the earth formed and the people and things on it were created.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this narrative. The writer provides a minimally developed plot and setting. Characters are only described rather than developed. The narrative may include details or information that detracts from the story. Additionally, the narrative lacks tension or conflict to create interest. Lastly, little dialogue is used to reveal characters’ thoughts.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees. So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look. Next they created an animals called dinosaurs who would be there first things on earth. Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people. That's how the earth formed and the people and things on it were created.”)

Characters are not developed in detail. (“I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees. So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look.”)

The plot is only minimally developed. (“I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have. each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. Once the earth was made all it had was volcanoes and Trees. So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look. Next they created an animals called dinosaurs who would be there first things on earth. Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people. That's how the earth formed and the people and things on it were created.”)

Organization

This story, which consists of only one paragraph, is characterized by minimal organization. The writer provides an opening that may repeat the title of the prompt or that uses basic language from the prompt. The flow of the story may be difficult to follow because of gaps in time and sequence. In addition, little evidence of an ending can be detected.

The story does not effectively grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want. The Greek gods created it by a mixing all there powers together. They all thought of what the perfect place would look like and what it would have.”)

Transitions are only minimally used to connect events in the story. (“ So the next thing the Gods did was they thought of what they wanted on the earth and how they wanted it too look. Next they created an animals called dinosaurs who would be there first things on earth.”)

The story minimally demonstrates an ending. (“ Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people. That's how the earth formed and the people and things on it were created.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are conveyed within this brief narrative. The story demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience. The writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ I believe that the earth was created by Greek gods, They thought of a place were gods could live, and everything would be perfect the way they want.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human. But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people.”)

The writer uses the same group of words (“Then they”) to begin two consecutive sentences in the story. (“ Then they created some mountains. Then they thought of making an actual human.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing is shown in this narrative. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ each god thought of how they wanted the earth to looks. …But they didn't think just one human would be good so they made a girl and a boy. So that they could make more people.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Story

There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This brief narrative shows inadequate focus and meaning. The story demonstrates almost no understanding of the purpose, audience, and task. The writer also provides very little detail, some of which may not be relevant to the story.

In the beginning, the supporting events in the story are not stated. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

The story does not state the main event. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

The audience for the story is not clear. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Content & Development

The content and development provided in this story are clearly inadequate. The narrative l acks an identifiable plot and setting. Characters are introduced but not developed, and a lack of tension or conflict makes the story uninteresting to follow.

The setting is not developed in detail. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

The characters are not developed in detail. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

There is no dialogue (what the characters think or say aloud). (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Organization

The story exhibits inadequate organization. It lacks basic organization (beginning, middle, and end) with serious gaps in the sequencing of brief ideas.

The story does not grab the readers’ attention in the beginning. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

The story has no ending. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Details, words, or phrases are not used in the beginning and ending to engage the readers’ interests. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate use of language and style is evident in this story. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no a wareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the story. (“ There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. …so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters.”)

Transitions are needed. (“There once was a boy named poseidon, he was half boy and half god. He lived in a place called mount olympus with his brothers and sisters. Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The story demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are so severe that they significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Poseidon father banished him to another universe to teach him a valuable lesson on how to survive on his own. so poseidon went on his journey to this unknown universe, it took him 1 month to get there”)

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High_School_Narrative_Models_August_2015_Revised.doc

Model Essay