Many pieces of literature often feature a character who exemplifies heroic qualities, like nobility and courage. Think about a literary character and how he/she exhibits the character traits of a hero.

In a well-developed essay, discuss the events and circumstances that reveal the character's heroic qualities and why they make him/her a hero. Be sure to provide specific, relevant examples from the text to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When Harper Lee wrote the story, To Kill a Mockingbird, she wrote it to tell a story of a beloved family and their views on equality and justice for all, regardless of skin color. The father of this family, Atticus, is a widower, lawyer, father, and soft-spoken hero. This altruistic idol wants justice and impartiality, and uses his eloquence in the courtroom to try to help make a difference and to express the theme that all people are actually kind and benevolent on the inside. He is very gentle and peaceful, but there is more to him than just that. He is a hero in his own quiet, reserved ways. Atticus is selfless, courageous, and strives to be an honest exemplar to his children.

Atticus is the most selfless character in the story. When the judge called upon him to defend Tom Robinson, a Negro wrongly convicted of a crime, Atticus accepts the case. Many other lawyers in his position would never have accepted the case because Tom is black. When Atticus took the case, he immediately knew that it was a case of black vs. white and that he would lose, but he still tried to help Tom win. Many lawyers would care about their reputation being ruined and about the town judgment of him and his family, which would supposedly be considered Negro- loving. He took this case out of the goodness of his heart. Atticus truly believes that "there is one way in this country in which all men are created equal... that institution... is a court.” (p 205) Atticus knew the community disapproval that he and his family would receive, but he still took the case because he knew justice had to be served and he knew that no one was going to take this case. In fact, he is so fair and just that their chef is black, but Atticus believes that race does not matter when it comes to any kind of people. He believes that all people are truly kind on the inside. He is a magnanimous paragon who will be noble in and out of the courtroom. When the neighborhood was being attacked by a mad dog, someone had to shoot the dog to protect all the civilians. Fortunately, Atticus used to be known as one-shot-Finch; therefore, he could protect them all. Usually, Atticus is a non-violent, placid father, but he knew that he would do what it took to protect the townspeople. Atticus has this talent that was unknown to his kids until that moment, but he never used it for his own selfish advantages; he only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Many of Atticus's unselfish acts also require courage, and he has plenty of that as well.

Atticus displays courage, both at home and at work. After the trial was over, Atticus was confronted by Mr. Ewell in the street and he "stopped Atticus on the post office corner, spat in his face, and told him he'd get him if it took the rest of his life. " (p 217) Most people would be terrified to be in that kind of situation and Scout and Jem (Atticus's children) definitely were. Atticus was surprisingly calm about it though, and when his son asked, Atticus reasoned that "I destroyed his last shred of credibility in that trial... so if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take.”(p 218) Perhaps he was also very frightened, but he knew that he had to be brave for his children, which is extremely noble. Furthermore, Atticus could have wanted to fight Mr. Ewell, but it takes more audacity to walk away from confrontation than to engage in a fight. Not to mention that defending Tom Robinson in court was a very courageous, as well as selfless act. In the time leading up to the trial, he has been confronted multiple times by other townspeople because they do not want him to take this case. If his children were not present, he would have been attacked and injured. However, Atticus is persistent in making sure that justice is served and he does not leave Tom Robinson; that is very audacious, noble and heroic. Clearly, Atticus is gallant and charitable, and he wants his children to grow up to be fair citizens as well.

Not only is Atticus courageous and selfless, but he also strives to be a good role model to his children. He told Scout that his reasons for taking the Tom Robinson case were that "if I didn't, I couldn't hold my head up in town, I couldn't represent this county in the legislature; I couldn't even tell you or Jem not to do something again.” (p 75) He wants his children to see and know him as respectful, selfless, courteous, gracious, and humane; he will make sacrifices to make sure that they have a positive role model to look up to since they do not have a mother who can do that. He feels pressure to show his kids the right way because he is their only living parent. Atticus wants to teach his children valuable lessons, even if they do not want to learn these lessons yet. When Jem destroyed Mrs. Dubose's plants, Atticus made him and Scout read to her every day so that they could learn courage from her. Scout used to get in fights with people when she was younger, and Atticus does not want her to continue along like that. He tells her to "hold your head high and keep those fists down. No matter what anybody says to you, don't you let 'em get your goat.“(p 76) Most people during that time found it unladylike to get into fights, but Atticus does not care about that; he just does not want his daughter to think that she can fight her way through everything. In addition, Atticus is hard on himself as a parent and wants to be able to look back at his kids and know that he raised them right. Atticus once confessed that, "Sometimes I think I'm a total failure as a parent, but I'm all they've got. If Jem looks at anyone else, he looks at me, and I've tried to live so I can look squarely back at him. " (p 273) To Atticus, it is not enough that his kids have not fallen under the racist epidemic or that his children have positive values and beliefs, he wants them to continue to have a mentor to look up to and come to for advice. He always wants to know that they are influenced to do the right thing- even at his own cost. Perhaps Atticus wants his children to grow up to be like him as well- to be doughty, valiant, and altruistic.

When Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, she wanted Atticus to be a selfless, courageous role model, just like her own father. She wanted others to be able to look up to him, and knew that his children would go to him for advice, and they would take it seriously. Lee created Atticus as a respectful lawyer, father, brother, and friend and his tranquil nature makes him a great person to idolize. All of his heroic characteristics truly help express the theme of all people being kind on the inside. All the qualities that Atticus possesses truly make him the most heroic character in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a central/controlling idea.

The writer clearly communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Atticus displays courage, both at home and at work. After the trial was over, Atticus was confronted by Mr. Ewell in the street and he ‘stopped Atticus on the post office corner, spat in his face, and told him he'd get him if it took the rest of his life.’ (p 217) Most people would be terrified to be in that kind of situation and Scout and Jem (Atticus's children) definitely were. Atticus was surprisingly calm about it though, and when his son asked, Atticus reasoned that ‘I destroyed his last shred of credibility in that trial... so if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take.’ (p 218) Perhaps he was also very frightened, but he knew that he had to be brave for his children, which is extremely noble.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“When Harper Lee wrote the story, To Kill a Mockingbird, she wrote it to tell a story of a beloved family and their views on equality and justice for all, regardless of skin color. The father of this family, Atticus, is a widower, lawyer, father, and soft-spoken hero. This altruistic idol wants justice and impartiality, and uses his eloquence in the courtroom to try to help make a difference and to express the theme that all people are actually kind and benevolent on the inside. He is very gentle and peaceful, but there is more to him than just that. He is a hero in his own quiet, reserved ways. Atticus is selfless, courageous, and strives to be an honest exemplar to his children.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“He believes that all people are truly kind on the inside. He is a magnanimous paragon who will be noble in and out of the courtroom. When the neighborhood was being attacked by a mad dog, someone had to shoot the dog to protect all the civilians. Fortunately, Atticus used to be known as one-shot-Finch; therefore, he could protect them all. Usually, Atticus is a non-violent, placid father, but he knew that he would do what it took to protect the townspeople. Atticus has this talent that was unknown to his kids until that moment, but he never used it for his own selfish advantages; he only used it when it was absolutely necessary. Many of Atticus's unselfish acts also require courage, and he has plenty of that as well. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details from the text to clearly illustrate Atticus Finch as a literary hero. These details include specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Not only is Atticus courageous and selfless, but he also strives to be a good role model to his children. He told Scout that his reasons for taking the Tom Robinson case were that ‘if I didn't, I couldn't hold my head up in town, I couldn't represent this county in the legislature; I couldn't even tell you or Jem not to do something again.’ (p 75) He wants his children to see and know him as respectful, selfless, courteous, gracious, and humane; he will make sacrifices to make sure that they have a positive role model to look up to since they do not have a mother who can do that.”)

The writer consistently uses events occurring in the story to demonstrate that, especially where his children were concerned, Atticus Finch conducts himself like [MT1] a literary hero. (“In addition, Atticus is hard on himself as a parent and wants to be able to look back at his kids and know that he raised them right. Atticus once confessed that, ‘Sometimes I think I'm a total failure as a parent, but I'm all they've got. If Jem looks at anyone else, he looks at me, and I've tried to live so I can look squarely back at him.’ (p 273) To Atticus, it is not enough that his kids have not fallen under the racist epidemic or that his children have positive values and beliefs, he wants them to continue to have a mentor to look up to and come to for advice. He always wants to know that they are influenced to do the right thing- even at his own cost. Perhaps Atticus wants his children to grow up to be like him as well- to be doughty, valiant, and altruistic.”)

The writer emphasizes many of the difficulties associated with being a literary hero. He/she succeeds in showing that even a literary hero has moments of weakness or fear. (“After the trial was over, Atticus was confronted by Mr. Ewell in the street and he ‘stopped Atticus on the post office corner, spat in his face, and told him he'd get him if it took the rest of his life.’ (p 217) Most people would be terrified to be in that kind of situation and Scout and Jem (Atticus's children) definitely were. Atticus was surprisingly calm about it though, and when his son asked, Atticus reasoned that ‘I destroyed his last shred of credibility in that trial... so if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take.’(p 218) Perhaps he was also very frightened, but he knew that he had to be brave for his children, which is extremely noble. Furthermore, Atticus could have wanted to fight Mr. Ewell, but it takes more audacity to walk away from confrontation than to engage in a fight.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention by describing the core values that make Atticus Finch the literary hero in To Kill a Mockingbird . (“When Harper Lee wrote the story, To Kill a Mockingbird, she wrote it to tell a story of a beloved family and their views on equality and justice for all, regardless of skin color. The father of this family, Atticus, is a widower, lawyer, father, and soft-spoken hero. This altruistic idol wants justice and impartiality, and uses his eloquence in the courtroom to try to help make a difference and to express the theme that all people are actually kind and benevolent on the inside. He is very gentle and peaceful, but there is more to him than just that. He is a hero in his own quiet, reserved ways. Atticus is selfless, courageous, and strives to be an honest exemplar to his children. ”)

Subtle transitional phrases between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Atticus was surprisingly calm about it though, and when his son asked, Atticus reasoned that ‘I destroyed his last shred of credibility in that trial... so if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take.’(p 218) Perhaps he was also very frightened, but he knew that he had to be brave for his children, which is extremely noble. Furthermore, Atticus could have wanted to fight Mr. Ewell, but it takes more audacity to walk away from confrontation than to engage in a fight. Not to mention that defending Tom Robinson in court was a very courageous, as well as selfless act. ”)

The essay contains a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“When Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, she wanted Atticus to be a selfless, courageous role model, just like her own father. She wanted others to be able to look up to him, and knew that his children would go to him for advice, and they would take it seriously. Lee created Atticus as a respectful lawyer, father, brother, and friend and his tranquil nature makes him a great person to idolize. All of his heroic characteristics truly help express the theme of all people being kind on the inside. All the qualities that Atticus possesses truly make him the most heroic character in the story. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story to underscore the qualities of a literary hero [MT2] . (“When Atticus took the case, he immediately knew that it was a case of black vs. white and that he would lose, but he still tried to help Tom win. Many lawyers would care about their reputation being ruined and about the town judgment of him and his family, which would supposedly be considered Negro- loving. He took this case out of the goodness of his heart. Atticus truly believes that ‘there is one way in this country in which all men are created equal... that institution... is a court.’ (p 205) Atticus knew the community disapproval that he and his family would receive, but he still took the case because he knew justice had to be served and he knew that no one was going to take this case. In fact, he is so fair and just that their chef is black, but Atticus believes that race does not matter when it comes to any kind of people. He believes that all people are truly kind on the inside. He is a magnanimous paragon who will be noble in and out of the courtroom. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a clear picture of Atticus Finch [MT3] ’s qualities, so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the ways that Atticus Finch is a literary hero. (“When Harper Lee wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, she wanted Atticus to be a selfless, courageous role model, just like her own father. She wanted others to be able to look up to him, and knew that his children would go to him for advice, and they would take it seriously. Lee created Atticus as a respectful lawyer, father, brother, and friend and his tranquil nature makes him a great person to idolize. All of his heroic characteristics truly help express the theme of all people being kind on the inside. All the qualities that Atticus possesses truly make him the most heroic character in the story. ”)

The writer’s sophisticated word choices and descriptive details add to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Atticus was surprisingly calm about it though, and when his son asked, Atticus reasoned that ‘I destroyed his last shred of credibility in that trial... so if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take.’(p 218) Perhaps he was also very frightened, but he knew that he had to be brave for his children, which is extremely noble. Furthermore, Atticus could have wanted to fight Mr. Ewell, but it takes more audacity to walk away from confrontation than to engage in a fight.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“He wants his children to see and know him as respectful, selfless, courteous, gracious, and humane; he will make sacrifices to make sure that they have a positive role model to look up to since they do not have a mother who can do that. He feels pressure to show his kids the right way because he is their only living parent. Atticus wants to teach his children valuable lessons, even if they do not want to learn these lessons yet. When Jem destroyed Mrs. Dubose's plants, Atticus made him and Scout read to her every day so that they could learn courage from her. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The definition of a hero is often wrongly associated with a superhuman form. A hero of sorts follows a common theme; wearing costumes to hide an identity, fighting various faces of evil before them, and always coming out superior to such. Despite such expectations, it is no surprise that such are only stereotypical and hold little truth. If such is fact, it is questionable as to why society fails to recognize the heroes that truly exist. They live in the real world, so to speak, but also in literature as they are believed to in films. The difference of the two being, literature can hold more truth. Augustus Waters of John Green's "The Fault in Our Stars" had conveyed just this. When all sort of hope had seemed to have been lost, he became the hope in which readers and literary characters alike had begun to put their faith into. Waters was a coven of hope and made for a story line which otherwise could have been lost by simply being who he was and not who the cancer and struggle had made him.

"The Fault in Our Stars" is a story beyond mere hope. The characters all struggle with cancer-related issues, either directly or otherwise. The faith of all seems to be tested; God was supposed to help them. He was supposed to take away the pain, keep the families intact, and give some sort of reward for all the endured suffering. They, however, all suffer some sort of loss. The novel centers around three people specifically, with the story of Hazel Grace Lancaster as the centerfold. Hazel Grace suffers from thyroid cancer and the effects of cancer keep her away from all that should she be in good health, may have found rejoice in. The cancer has taken more than her health; she is distant from her family, finances are low, "friends" becomes a loose term, and things are difficult. She feels the strain cancer has placed upon her and her parents. She is supposed to conform to a certain way of living and acting because of the cancer but she doesn't follow such expectations. She begins to feel as if death would be more of a service than a burden, at least, until she meets Augustus Waters. He becomes everything she was missing and everything she had never imagined to exist. He is her light in a tunnel which seemed never ending. In good faith and a string of "Okay's" he manages to save her from herself and the world around her.

It is he that brings light to the novel. When all seemed lost, he was there to help her. Throughout the novel, it is evident that Hazel Grace feels fault for her cancer and being unable to control all the sacrifices others had made in her name. She doesn't want to get close to Augustus because she fears she will only hurt him with her death, but he is persistent. He had said "Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." In his words, he broke a barrier that may otherwise never have been opened. She was afraid to love, to keep going, to live. The cancer had plagued her for years and kept her beside herself. Apart from this, he managed to give Hazel the life she feared. She was given happiness with him and it was with Augustus that her cancer did not limit her. The smallest of actions and activities served as milestones for her. He acted in ways of selflessness such as using his one wish from the Make a Wish Foundation to take her to the Netherlands to meet her favorite author, Peter Van Houten. As well as that, he put her before himself. Augustus Waters, a cancer patient in remission, was no longer cancer-free. It had returned and yet, despite the better judgment of all those around him, refused to listen. He kept going, an act which would be the death of him. He had done so to give everything possible to Hazel. He would rather leave her with memories of him out in the world drinking champagne and finding out the endings to Van Houten's "An Imperial Affliction", than worrying and then mourning over a hospital bed. He saw long term rather than short term, not for himself, but for her.

Augustus Waters is a hero by definition, both stereotypical and in fact. A hero is defined as "a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities". Apart from helping Hazel Grace, he had aided his best friend, Isaac, in his time of need. He helped him egg his ex-girlfriend's car after she hurt him, despite any legal troubles that could have come with it. When everyone was pushing him away, Isaac and Hazel Grace alike, he did not grow angry. He was patient, persistent, and kind. He was what kept them going even if he couldn't do so for himself. He was selfless in more ways than one, always putting others before himself. He was human, like all heroes are, but he was not limited by anything. Augustus Waters kept going despite everything that told him to stop.

He had once said "The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. " He was always there, paying attention, seeing, and listening. No one had ever noticed that he was getting worse until his pain grew out of hand and was uncontrollable. He lost his dream of being remembered and in such gave it to Hazel Grace. He was wrong; in death, he is remembered for the hero he was. He gave Hazel Grace, the Lancasters, and his family, Isaac, and Peter Van Houten memories that should never fade. He will be remembered for what he was, a hero because he allowed them to keep going and live to see new things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the less obvious qualities of a literary hero [MT4] . He/she is effective in this approach and consistently maintains that focus throughout the essay. (“The definition of a hero is often wrongly associated with a superhuman form. A hero of sorts follows a common theme; wearing costumes to hide an identity, fighting various faces of evil before them, and always coming out superior to such. Despite such expectations, it is no surprise that such are only stereotypical and hold little truth. If such is fact, it is questionable as to why society fails to recognize the heroes that truly exist. They live in the real world, so to speak, but also in literature as they are believed to in films. The difference of the two being, literature can hold more truth. Augustus Waters of John Green's ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ had conveyed just this. When all sort of hope had seemed to have been lost, he became the hope in which readers and literary characters alike had begun to put their faith into. Waters was a coven of hope and made for a story line which otherwise could have been lost by simply being who he was and not who the cancer and struggle had made him. ”)

The essay contains details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Hazel Grace suffers from thyroid cancer and the effects of cancer keep her away from all that should she be in good health, may have found rejoice in. The cancer has taken more than her health; she is distant from her family, finances are low, ‘friends’ becomes a loose term, and things are difficult. She feels the strain cancer has placed upon her and her parents. She is supposed to conform to a certain way of living and acting because of the cancer but she doesn't follow such expectations. She begins to feel as if death would be more of a service than a burden, at least, until she meets Augustus Waters. He becomes everything she was missing and everything she had never imagined to exist. He is her light in a tunnel which seemed never ending. In good faith and a string of ‘Okay's’ he manages to save her from herself and the world around her. ”)

The writer focuses on the central/controlling idea with details about the many ways Augustus Waters fits the definition of a literary hero. (“Augustus Waters is a hero by definition, both stereotypical and in fact. A hero is defined as ‘a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities’. Apart from helping Hazel Grace, he had aided his best friend, Isaac, in his time of need. He helped him egg his ex-girlfriend's car after she hurt him, despite any legal troubles that could have come with it. When everyone was pushing him away, Isaac and Hazel Grace alike, he did not grow angry. He was patient, persistent, and kind. He was what kept them going even if he couldn't do so for himself. He was selfless in more ways than one, always putting others before himself. He was human, like all heroes are, but he was not limited by anything. Augustus Waters kept going despite everything that told him to stop. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed, with a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer emphasizes Augustus Waters’ service to his friends to illustrate his heroic qualities in the literary selection. (“He had once said ‘The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention.’ He was always there, paying attention, seeing, and listening. No one had ever noticed that he was getting worse until his pain grew out of hand and was uncontrollable. He lost his dream of being remembered and in such gave it to Hazel Grace. He was wrong; in death, he is remembered for the hero he was. He gave Hazel Grace, the Lancasters, and his family, Isaac, and Peter Van Houten memories that should never fade. He will be remembered for what he was, a hero because he allowed them to keep going and live to see new things.”)

The essay contains specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“When all seemed lost, he was there to help her. Throughout the novel, it is evident that Hazel Grace feels fault for her cancer and being unable to control all the sacrifices others had made in her name. She doesn't want to get close to Augustus because she fears she will only hurt him with her death, but he is persistent. He had said ‘Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.’ In his words, he broke a barrier that may otherwise never have been opened. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Augustus Waters is a hero by definition, both stereotypical and in fact. A hero is defined as ‘a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities’. Apart from helping Hazel Grace, he had aided his best friend, Isaac, in his time of need. He helped him egg his ex-girlfriend's car after she hurt him, despite any legal troubles that could have come with it. When everyone was pushing him away, Isaac and Hazel Grace alike, he did not grow angry. He was patient, persistent, and kind. He was what kept them going even if he couldn't do so for himself. He was selfless in more ways than one, always putting others before himself. He was human, like all heroes are, but he was not limited by anything. Augustus Waters kept going despite everything that told him to stop.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer’s introduction engages the readers’ attention with a unique perspective on the typical definition of a hero. (“The definition of a hero is often wrongly associated with a superhuman form. A hero of sorts follows a common theme; wearing costumes to hide an identity, fighting various faces of evil before them, and always coming out superior to such. Despite such expectations, it is no surprise that such are only stereotypical and hold little truth. If such is fact, it is questionable as to why society fails to recognize the heroes that truly exist. They live in the real world, so to speak, but also in literature as they are believed to in films. The difference of the two being, literature can hold more truth. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Apart from helping Hazel Grace, he had aided his best friend, Isaac, in his time of need. He helped him egg his ex-girlfriend's car after she hurt him, despite any legal troubles that could have come with it. When everyone was pushing him away, Isaac and Hazel Grace alike, he did not grow angry. He was patient, persistent, and kind. He was what kept them going even if he couldn't do so for himself. He was selfless in more ways than one, always putting others before himself. ”)

The writer includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“He had once said ‘The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention.’ He was always there, paying attention, seeing, and listening. No one had ever noticed that he was getting worse until his pain grew out of hand and was uncontrollable. He lost his dream of being remembered and in such gave it to Hazel Grace. He was wrong; in death, he is remembered for the hero he was. He gave Hazel Grace, the Lancasters, and his family, Isaac, and Peter Van Houten memories that should never fade. He will be remembered for what he was, a hero because he allowed them to keep going and live to see new things. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer provides appropriate word choice that gives the essay consistent language and tone. (“As well as that, he put her before himself. Augustus Waters, a cancer patient in remission, was no longer cancer-free. It had returned and yet, despite the better judgment of all those around him, refused to listen. He kept going, an act which would be the death of him. He had done so to give everything possible to Hazel. He would rather leave her with memories of him out in the world drinking champagne and finding out the endings to Van Houten's ‘An Imperial Affliction’, than worrying and then mourning over a hospital bed. He saw long term rather than short term, not for himself, but for her. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“In his words, he broke a barrier that may otherwise never have been opened. She was afraid to love, to keep going, to live. The cancer had plagued her for years and kept her beside herself. Apart from this, he managed to give Hazel the life she feared. She was given happiness with him and it was with Augustus that her cancer did not limit her. The smallest of actions and activities served as milestones for her. He acted in ways of selflessness such as using his one wish from the Make a Wish Foundation to take her to the Netherlands to meet her favorite author, Peter Van Houten.”)

The writer creates some complex sentence structures that include relevant, insightful details to craft a rich response to the prompt task. (“Augustus Waters is a hero by definition, both stereotypical and in fact. A hero is defined as ‘a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities’. Apart from helping Hazel Grace, he had aided his best friend, Isaac, in his time of need. He helped him egg his ex-girlfriend's car after she hurt him, despite any legal troubles that could have come with it. When everyone was pushing him away, Isaac and Hazel Grace alike, he did not grow angry. He was patient, persistent, and kind. He was what kept them going even if he couldn't do so for himself. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“It is he that brings light to the novel. When all seemed lost, he was there to help her. Throughout the novel, it is evident that Hazel Grace feels fault for her cancer and being unable to control all the sacrifices others had made in her name. She doesn't want to get close to Augustus because she fears she will only hurt him with her death, but he is persistent. He had said ‘Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.’ In his words, he broke a barrier that may otherwise never have been opened.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty. A hero will put themselves in a great amount of danger in order to help those in need, even though it would give that person the possibility to be injured, maybe worse. A hero is someone who always looks at the good in people and is considered to be an optimistic person, always looking at the brighter side of life since it means there's always something to look forward to, even when the situation seems grim. There are examples of people like this all over the place in literature, examples that all put them above and beyond the call of duty in order to help the conditions of the greater good. The one I will be choosing goes by the name of Fred Collins and he's from the story of A Mystery of Heroism in which he exceeds all expectations in order to help himself and the members in the platoon.

Fred Collins is a private, fighting for the Union in the Civil War. Being a private is the lowest rank you can be in the armed forces, meaning that if there was to be a task that was considered to be something of danger, someone of a high rank would likely give an order to someone of a lower rank in order to stay away from the immediate danger himself. So when he says that he is thirsty while in the middle of a raging battle, he of course is not really looked at as the brightest person at this moment because he is focused on getting a drink while fighting a serious battle, even though the other men were also thirsty. He then decided to volunteer himself as the soldier that was going to be running out into the battle in order to receive some water for himself and the other men. Now at this point in the story, some may not see this as a heroic act since he brought this upon himself , but I for one think otherwise. This is a man who yes, put himself in this situation, but he also put himself up to the challenge of being the one to get the water. He could've constantly refused to go out there at all costs, but instead, he manned up and took up the challenge.

When Private Fred Collins stood ready to make his run for the river, he could see that the action around him was still very much alive. That is when he did it; he started to run for the river, all the while, bullets were whizzing by him, artillery was coming down from the sky, and people were dying all around him. That's when he felt that the time was right to run for the river to get as much water as he possibly could, for himself and the rest of the platoon. After what felt like an eternity running through the war-torn field, he made it to the river where he proceeded to fill his bucket with his trembling hands, worrying about the trip he is going to have to take to get back. Once the bucket was filled, he started his run back to the bunker; he was about halfway when he noticed a downed soldier in the middle of the field requesting water. He continued to run past, but then, he stopped and ran back to him to give him a drink. Now to me, risking your life to give a man you know will surely die a drink is something that is worthy of the title of hero. When he made it back to the bunker with the bucket, the men started to drink from it too only to ironically tip the bucket over, spilling the water, and making his entire effort practically pointless.

In spite of the spilling of the bucket at the end of the story, I feel that Private Fred Collins is a man who should be noted for his actions of going beyond his call of duty. He didn't have to follow through with his promise to get the water, but he did. He managed to sprint through a barrage of bullets to fill that bucket of water. I can guarantee you that more than half of the other men in the bunker wouldn't have done the same.

Collins also stopped in the middle of a fire fight to give a dying man his last wish, which just shows the amount of bravery in this man. He is willing to risk his life to help a man who is already going to die. The actions this man has shown in the story A Mystery of Heroism are actions that aren't what you see in the average human being. If you can't call a man like Private Fred Collins a hero, then I don't know who is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects events that exemplify Private Collins’s heroic actions and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenarios in their minds. (“When Private Fred Collins stood ready to make his run for the river, he could see that the action around him was still very much alive. That is when he did it; he started to run for the river, all the while, bullets were whizzing by him, artillery was coming down from the sky, and people were dying all around him. That's when he felt that the time was right to run for the river to get as much water as he possibly could, for himself and the rest of the platoon. After what felt like an eternity running through the war-torn field, he made it to the river where he proceeded to fill his bucket with his trembling hands, worrying about the trip he is going to have to take to get back.”)

The writer generally maintains the same focus throughout the essay. [MT5] He/she focuses on events in the story that support Private Collins as a literary hero. (“In spite of the spilling of the bucket at the end of the story, I feel that Private Fred Collins is a man who should be noted for his actions of going beyond his call of duty. He didn't have to follow through with his promise to get the water, but he did. He managed to sprint through a barrage of bullets to fill that bucket of water. I can guarantee you that more than half of the other men in the bunker wouldn't have done the same. Collins also stopped in the middle of a fire fight to give a dying man his last wish, which just shows the amount of bravery in this man. He is willing to risk his life to help a man who is already going to die.”)

The writing style is generally appropriate for the intended audience. There is occasional informal language, but overall, the writer’s essay is meaningful for the readers and satisfies the basic requirements of the prompt task. (“He is willing to risk his life to help a man who is already going to die. The actions this man has shown in the story A Mystery of Heroism are actions that aren't what you see in the average human being. If you can't call a man like Private Fred Collins a hero, then I don't know who is.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer relates events occurring in the story to support the heroic qualities exhibited by Private Collins. (“When Private Fred Collins stood ready to make his run for the river, he could see that the action around him was still very much alive. That is when he did it; he started to run for the river, all the while, bullets were whizzing by him, artillery was coming down from the sky, and people were dying all around him. That's when he felt that the time was right to run for the river to get as much water as he possibly could, for himself and the rest of the platoon. After what felt like an eternity running through the war-torn field, he made it to the river where he proceeded to fill his bucket with his trembling hands, worrying about the trip he is going to have to take to get back.”)

Using specific details from the text, the writer highlights the actions taken by Private Collins that define him as a literary hero. (“Once the bucket was filled, he started his run back to the bunker; he was about halfway when he noticed a downed soldier in the middle of the field requesting water. He continued to run past, but then, he stopped and ran back to him to give him a drink. Now to me, risking your life to give a man you know will surely die a drink is something that is worthy of the title of hero.”)

The writer points out that the story’s disappointing outcome does not take away from the heroic status of the main character. (“When he made it back to the bunker with the bucket, the men started to drink from it too only to ironically tip the bucket over, spilling the water, and making his entire effort practically pointless.

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer’s introduction adequately engages the readers’ attention by defining some of the qualities of a hero. (“A hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty. A hero will put themselves in a great amount of danger in order to help those in need, even though it would give that person the possibility to be injured, maybe worse. A hero is someone who always looks at the good in people and is considered to be an optimistic person, always looking at the brighter side of life since it means there's always something to look forward to, even when the situation seems grim. ”)

The writer employs subtle transitions between paragraphs and sentences. This assists in adequately connecting ideas and maintaining flow and sequence. (“After what felt like an eternity running through the war-torn field, he made it to the river where he proceeded to fill his bucket with his trembling hands, worrying about the trip he is going to have to take to get back. Once the bucket was filled, he started his run back to the bunker; he was about halfway when he noticed a downed soldier in the middle of the field requesting water. He continued to run past, but then, he stopped and ran back to him to give him a drink. Now to me, risking your life to give a man you know will surely die a drink is something that is worthy of the title of hero. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Collins also stopped in the middle of a fire fight to give a dying man his last wish, which just shows the amount of bravery in this man. He is willing to risk his life to help a man who is already going to die. The actions this man has shown in the story A Mystery of Heroism are actions that aren't what you see in the average human being. If you can't call a man like Private Fred Collins a hero, then I don't know who is. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. He/she provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“That is when he did it; he started to run for the river, all the while, bullets were whizzing by him, artillery was coming down from the sky, and people were dying all around him. That's when he felt that the time was right to run for the river to get as much water as he possibly could, for himself and the rest of the platoon. After what felt like an eternity running through the war-torn field, he made it to the river where he proceeded to fill his bucket with his trembling hands, worrying about the trip he is going to have to take to get back. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explains the reasons why Private Collins is a literary hero. (“In spite of the spilling of the bucket at the end of the story, I feel that Private Fred Collins is a man who should be noted for his actions of going beyond his call of duty. He didn't have to follow through with his promise to get the water, but he did. He managed to sprint through a barrage of bullets to fill that bucket of water. I can guarantee you that more than half of the other men in the bunker wouldn't have done the same. Collins also stopped in the middle of a fire fight to give a dying man his last wish, which just shows the amount of bravery in this man. He is willing to risk his life to help a man who is already going to die. The actions this man has shown in the story A Mystery of Heroism are actions that aren't what you see in the average human being. ”)

The writer should avoid using informal language to maintain credibility with the readers and to enhance the effectiveness of the overall message. (“This is a man who yes, put himself in this situation, but he also put himself up to the challenge of being the one to get the water. He could've constantly refused to go out there at all costs, but instead, he manned up and took up the challenge.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“Once the bucket was filled, he started his run back to the bunker; he was about halfway when he noticed a downed soldier in the middle of the field requesting water. He continued to run past, but then, he stopped and ran back to him to give him a drink. Now to me, risking your life to give a man you know will surely die a drink is something that is worthy of the title of hero. When he made it back to the bunker with the bucket, the men started to drink from it too only to ironically tip the bucket over, spilling the water, and making his entire effort practically pointless. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. [MT6] (“When Private Fred Collins stood ready to make his run for the river, he could see that the action around him was still very much alive. That is when he did it; he started to run for the river, all the while, bullets were whizzing by him, artillery was coming down from the sky, and people were dying all around him. That's when he felt that the time was right to run for the river to get as much water as he possibly could, for himself and the rest of the platoon. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Worst Trip Ever

Has any one ever treated you differently because of the color of your skin. Well that happened to Kenny. Who's Kenny you might ask. He is a character in one of my favorite books The Watsons go to Birmingham it takes place in the south. It is mostly about three African American children and there trip to the south. The narrator Kenny becomes a hero because he was loyal, courageous, and curious. A hero is one who knows how to hang on one minute longer. -Novalis

One heroic quality that he had was loyalty. As the middle child he was always the one who kept secrets for his older brother so he wouldn't get into to much trouble. He stood up for others. When he fond out that his cousins did a protest in the civil right movements he decided to join them in one of the civil right movement's even it was not safe. Through out this whole story he was always loyal to his family. He was more then just loyal he had other wonderful character traits.

He wasn't just loyal he was courageous. He went to the south to visit family even though it wasn't the best time for African Americans in the south. He went into a diner and demanded they feed him even though they would not serve to African Americans. There was a bombing in a church, his sister was in that church he was told not to go and to stay at the house till they came back but he sunk out to help. "success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. " - Winston church well Being courageous is admirable characteristic to have.

Finally he was very curious. He was always asking why people were resist. "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. " Albert Einstein. Ageist his grandmothers warning he took his brothers advice and went into the dangerous waters. When he found out about the bombing, he snuck out and he saw a lot of desist people. He was wondering how his sister survived the bombing wall others died. He made it through all of this and is now telling the story to you the reader. Being curious is what makes Kenny who he is.

That is how he became a hero to his friends and family. I recommend this book to people who love motivational stories from the ages 13 up. I learned about the hard ship African Americans went through and even though I will never under I can now have a better insight into what it might have been through.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The narrator Kenny becomes a hero because he was loyal, courageous, and curious.”)

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the heroic qualities exhibited by the main character Kenny, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“One heroic quality that he had was loyalty. As the middle child he was always the one who kept secrets for his older brother so he wouldn't get into to much trouble. He stood up for others. When he fond out that his cousins did a protest in the civil right movements he decided to join them in one of the civil right movement's even it was not safe. Through out this whole story he was always loyal to his family. He was more then just loyal he had other wonderful character traits.”)

Although the writer manages to establish an informative tone to discuss the main character’s heroic qualities, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events occurring in the story for the readers to relate to and appreciate the analysis of the literary hero. (“Finally he was very curious. He was always asking why people were resist. ‘The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.’ Albert Einstein. Ageist his grandmothers warning he took his brothers advice and went into the dangerous waters. When he found out about the bombing, he snuck out and he saw a lot of desist people. He was wondering how his sister survived the bombing wall others died. He made it through all of this and is now telling the story to you the reader. Being curious is what makes Kenny who he is.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Ageist his grandmothers warning he took his brothers advice and went into the dangerous waters. When he found out about the bombing, he snuck out and he saw a lot of desist people. He was wondering how his sister survived the bombing wall others died. He made it through all of this and is now telling the story to you the reader. Being curious is what makes Kenny who he is.”)

The writer includes quotations from famous individuals that do not align with the events occurring in the text. In other words, this added information does not effectively support the writer’s thesis and leaves the readers feeling a bit confused as to their inclusion in the essay. The writer should use direct quotes from the text to support his/her ideas more effectively. (“He went into a diner and demanded they feed him even though they would not serve to African Americans. There was a bombing in a church, his sister was in that church he was told not to go and to stay at the house till they came back but he sunk out to help. ‘success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.’ - Winston church well Being courageous is admirable characteristic to have.”)

The writer’s explanations of Kenny’s heroic qualities are limited at best. More information about events occurring in the story would help the readers appreciate the writer’s ideas in a more meaningful way. (“One heroic quality that he had was loyalty. As the middle child he was always the one who kept secrets for his older brother so he wouldn't get into to much trouble. He stood up for others. When he fond out that his cousins did a protest in the civil right movements he decided to join them in one of the civil right movement's even it was not safe. Through out this whole story he was always loyal to his family. He was more then just loyal he had other wonderful character traits.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by posing a question and sharing a quotation. (“Has any one ever treated you differently because of the color of your skin. Well that happened to Kenny. Who's Kenny you might ask. He is a character in one of my favorite books The Watsons go to Birmingham it takes place in the south. It is mostly about three African American children and there trip to the south. The narrator Kenny becomes a hero because he was loyal, courageous, and curious. A hero is one who knows how to hang on one minute longer. -Novalis”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“One heroic quality that he had was loyalty. As the middle child he was always the one who kept secrets for his older brother so he wouldn't get into to much trouble. He stood up for others. When he fond out that his cousins did a protest in the civil right movements he decided to join them in one of the civil right movement's even it was not safe. Through out this whole story he was always loyal to his family.”) Using transitional devices — such as first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, and as a result — will help the writer move from one main idea to the next.

The writer’s conclusion is very weak; it does not summarize main ideas or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“That is how he became a hero to his friends and family. I recommend this book to people who love motivational stories from the ages 13 up. I learned about the hard ship African Americans went through and even though I will never under I can now have a better insight into what it might have been through.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“There was a bombing in a church, his sister was in that church he was told not to go and to stay at the house till they came back but he sunk out to help.”)

The writer needs to use more varied and sophisticated word choices. In doing so, he/she could avoid the repetition that plagues the essay. (“He wasn't just loyal he was courageous. He went to the south to visit family even though it wasn't the best time for African Americans in the south. He went into a diner and demanded they feed him even though they would not serve to African Americans.”)

There are weak sentence structures throughout the essay. The writer should avoid short, choppy sentences by combining ideas that are related to one another to make the writer’s message more effective for the intended audience. (“Has any one ever treated you differently because of the color of your skin. Well that happened to Kenny. Who's Kenny you might ask. He is a character in one of my favorite books The Watsons go to Birmingham it takes place in the south. It is mostly about three African American children and there trip to the south. The narrator Kenny becomes a hero because he was loyal, courageous, and curious. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“As the middle child he was always the one who kept secrets for his older brother so he wouldn't get into to much trouble. He stood up for others. When he fond out that his cousins did a protest in the civil right movements he decided to join them in one of the civil right movement's even it was not safe. Through out this whole story he was always loyal to his family. He was more then just loyal he had other wonderful character traits.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Literarily hero

My book hero is buck. Buck is a character from call of the wild. He is my hero for a good reason. He was a very courageous dog. He had to fight through a lot and he was truly amazing. He defended all of the people that he loved and was very caring.

He was very courageus. He had to be brave through the thick snow and fight off bad dogs. He has the stongest dog that there was. He had to fight man and dog alike. There was no foe that he backed down from.

He was fighting through a lot. He fought spritz. He fought the man in the red sweater. He fought wolves. He fought to survive the life that he lived through. He fought the hard weather to fight. He dealt with danger at every turn.

Buck is truly inspirational. He showed all people that he can do a lot. He defended people that took care of him. Most of all he defended john Thornton. John Thornton was the best leader that buck had. He saved johns life when it looked like he was going to die. If not for buck john would be dead.

In conclusion, buck is a good inspiration. He inspired me to be nicer. He made me realize what a good person. He didn't care the circumstances he would do what was right. He would defend the good people in any situation. He will always do the best thing. That is why he is my hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning [MT7]

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. A central/controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the prompt task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state a central/controlling idea that would lead the readers through the response. The writer mentions his/her hero; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the writer’s ideas are very difficult for the readers to follow. (“My book hero is buck. Buck is a character from call of the wild. He is my hero for a good reason. He was a very courageous dog. He had to fight through a lot and he was truly amazing. He defended all of the people that he loved and was very caring.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not contain enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the qualities of a literary hero and how Buck exemplifies these qualities in the story. (“He was very courageus. He had to be brave through the thick snow and fight off bad dogs. He has the stongest dog that there was. He had to fight man and dog alike. There was no foe that he backed down from.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the heroic qualities that Buck demonstrates throughout the story. (“He showed all people that he can do a lot. He defended people that took care of him. Most of all he defended john Thornton. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the qualities of a hero by exploring some of Buck’s decisions in the story, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenarios and their implications. (“He was very courageus. He had to be brave through the thick snow and fight off bad dogs. He has the stongest dog that there was. He had to fight man and dog alike. There was no foe that he backed down from.”)

The writer needs to include relevant information from the text to assist the readers in understanding the connections between his/her ideas and specific events occurring in the literary selection. (“Buck is truly inspirational. He showed all people that he can do a lot. He defended people that took care of him.”)

The writer mentions events in the story that could potentially illustrate the qualities of a literary hero; however, without sufficient development of these ideas, the readers are left with many questions. (“He was fighting through a lot. He fought spritz. He fought the man in the red sweater. He fought wolves. He fought to survive the life that he lived through. He fought the hard weather to fight. He dealt with danger at every turn.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay exhibits little evidence of an effective introduction. (“My book hero is buck. Buck is a character from call of the wild. He is my hero for a good reason. He was a very courageous dog. He had to fight through a lot and he was truly amazing. He defended all of the people that he loved and was very caring.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs that emphasize the qualities of a literary hero. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“He was fighting through a lot. He fought spritz. He fought the man in the red sweater. He fought wolves. He fought to survive the life that he lived through. He fought the hard weather to fight. He dealt with danger at every turn.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“In conclusion, buck is a good inspiration. He inspired me to be nicer. He made me realize what a good person. He didn't care the circumstances he would do what was right. He would defend the good people in any situation. He will always do the best thing. That is why he is my hero.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer’s sentences are short and choppy. (“Buck is truly inspirational. He showed all people that he can do a lot. He defended people that took care of him. Most of all he defended john Thornton. ”)

The essay lacks effective voice and style; this affects the credibility of the writer. (“He inspired me to be nicer. He made me realize what a good person. He didn't care the circumstances he would do what was right. He would defend the good people in any situation. He will always do the best thing. That is why he is my hero. ”)

The writer’s word choices are repetitious. For example, he/she begins many sentences with the same words. (“He was fighting through a lot. He fought spritz. He fought the man in the red sweater. He fought wolves. He fought to survive the life that he lived through. He fought the hard weather to fight. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

if anyone ever asked me to risk my life for my community and at the same time no what my community has done in its present and past history as jonas did. i would call them crazy. thats why i believe so strongly that jonas is a true hero in this book. for me a person to be called a hero has to have a couple things. including humility, heart, courage, strangth, wisdom, and last but not least forgiveness. i want to tell you were i found all this in jonas in the book the 'giver'. jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times. including the time when he tryed to help his sister and mom see what he saw with color and memorys. the strongest part of the story that i remember is when he took the pain of the memory away from the giver to give him some peace.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections among the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer does not state an effective central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying about the traits of a literary hero [MT8] . The essay is unfocused and the writer’s ideas are unorganized. (“if anyone ever asked me to risk my life for my community and at the same time no what my community has done in its present and past history as jonas did. i would call them crazy. thats why i believe so strongly that jonas is a true hero in this book.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“i want to tell you were i found all this in jonas in the book the 'giver'. jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times. including the time when he tryed to help his sister and mom see what he saw with color and memorys.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“the strongest part of the story that i remember is when he took the pain of the memory away from the giver to give him some peace.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The essay lacks effective development of ideas, and contains no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer neglects to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“for me a person to be called a hero has to have a couple things. including humility, heart, courage, strangth, wisdom, and last but not least forgiveness. i want to tell you were i found all this in jonas in the book the 'giver'. jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times.”)

The writer does not provide enough information from the text for the readers to understand the connections between the main ideas and events occurring in the story. The writer does not effectively illustrate how Jonas is a literary hero. (“the strongest part of the story that i remember is when he took the pain of the memory away from the giver to give him some peace.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“if anyone ever asked me to risk my life for my community and at the same time no what my community has done in its present and past history as jonas did. i would call them crazy. thats why i believe so strongly that jonas is a true hero in this book. for me a person to be called a hero has to have a couple things. including humility, heart, courage, strangth, wisdom, and last but not least forgiveness. i want to tell you were i found all this in jonas in the book the 'giver'. jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times. including the time when he tryed to help his sister and mom see what he saw with color and memorys. the strongest part of the story that i remember is when he took the pain of the memory away from the giver to give him some peace.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate; it does not contain a clear sentence that explains what the writer will explore throughout the response. (“if anyone ever asked me to risk my life for my community and at the same time no what my community has done in its present and past history as jonas did. i would call them crazy. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices would have helped the writer move [MT9] from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“i want to tell you were i found all this in jonas in the book the 'giver'. jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times. including the time when he tryed to help his sister and mom see what he saw with color and memorys. ”)

The writer does not include a recognizable conclusion. A strong conclusion should contain a summary of the writer’s main ideas and give the readers a sense of closure. (“the strongest part of the story that i remember is when he took the pain of the memory away from the giver to give him some peace. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“including the time when he tryed to help his sister and mom see what he saw with color and memorys. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the prompt task. (“jonas had crazy humility in this book jonas put is life on the line quit a few times. ”)

Many of the sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“if anyone ever asked me to risk my life for my community and at the same time no what my community has done in its present and past history as jonas did. i would call them crazy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“thats why i believe so strongly that jonas is a true hero in this book. for me a person to be called a hero has to have a couple things. including humility, heart, courage, strangth, wisdom, and last but not least forgiveness.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

A Literary Work with Multiple Themes

Most, if not all, pieces of literature have more than one theme or central idea. For example, The Great Gatsby , by F. Scott Fitzgerald, conveys the themes of the decline of the American Dream in the 1920s and the focus on material wealth and excess.

In a well-developed essay, discuss and analyze two or more themes expressed in a particular literary work, including specifically how these themes develop over the course of the text. Remember to provide examples and textual evidence for support in your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is centralized around two major themes: the decline of the American Dream in the 1920's, in addition to the division and differences between the upper and lower classes. F. Scott Fitzgerald incorporates symbolism, foreshadowing, irony, and various other literary elements which help convey these important themes as the novel develops. Fitzgerald also uses his characters to not only reflect his character and his life, but also to better express these central themes. The novel takes place during the Roaring Twenties, which was a thriving age; however, Fitzgerald uses his novel to express the faults which were brought about during this era.

The American Dream of the 1920's was this vision of success, wealth, opportunity, and this mind-set of "living in the moment"; however, this dream was not attainable by all and proved to be less than satisfying for those who did manage to grasp it. Jay Gatsby is a prime example of the "rags to riches" American success story, but his life was a clear depiction of the lack of value that wealth and materialistic items ultimately possessed. "His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it". (ch. 9) James Gatz was raised by a poor family of farmers in North Dakota before he took his life into his own hands upon his encounter with the extremely wealthy Dan Cody and developed his new persona, as the wealthy, sophisticated, and successful Jay Gatsby. Gatsby possessed an endless hunger for success and achievement, which made his attraction to the young, rich, and desirable Daisy Fay no surprise. Daisy's wealth and social status made her incredibly desirable to Gatsby, but he was a poor soldier with nothing to offer; so after the war, he devoted his life to success and became an extremely rich man through his illegal sales and production of alcohol. Gatsby's life was surrounded by wealth and materialistic items but he was missing one thing, Daisy, so Gatsby threw huge, elaborate parties at his extravagant mansion in West Egg, across the bay from Daisy and her husband Tom Buchanan's mansion in East Egg, hoping that their paths would cross. This strategy proved to be unsuccessful so Gatsby found an alternative route and used his neighbor, Daisy's cousin, to arrange their encounter. Daisy was the icing on the cake for Gatsby, but she was a married woman, and ultimately, she chose her husband, Tom, over Gatsby, proving that Gatsby's riches just weren't enough.

Another central theme in the novel is the division and distinct differences between the upper and lower classes. Nick Carraway, the narrator and one of the main characters in the novel, reaches the conclusion that, "They were careless people. Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together and let other people clean up the mess they had made. . . ". (ch. 9) This theme is most clearly depicted in the events which resulted in the death of Myrtle Wilson, Tom Buchanan's mistress. Daisy, Tom's wife, was speeding home to East Egg in Gatsby's car, with Gatsby as her passenger, when Myrtle Wilson ran out into the road and was killed by Daisy. Gatsby was assumed to be the driver and was, therefore, killed by Myrtle's husband, George Wilson, in an act to “right the wrong” which had been done to Myrtle. Daisy never confessed to driving that car; she instead, retreated back into her money, and left the rest of the world to deal with these events. The upper class, Tom and Daisy, retreated back into their money, while the lower class was left to take responsibility for the unjust actions.

F. Scott Fitzgerald clearly conveys the theme of the decline of the American Dream of the 1920's as well as the moral distinction between the upper and lower classes throughout the novel to express the truths of this era during this literary movement of modernism. Fitzgerald uses a variety of figurative language to express these ideas; in addition, Fitzgerald uses the lives of his characters to more clearly depict these themes. Most importantly, Fitzgerald exposes the uglier side of the Roaring Twenties, beyond the extravagant parties and careless mindset.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes a comprehensive analysis of some of the events occurring in the story and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she clearly describes some of the prominent themes with clear and relevant details. (“Gatsby's life was surrounded by wealth and materialistic items but he was missing one thing, Daisy, so Gatsby threw huge, elaborate parties at his extravagant mansion in West Egg, across the bay from Daisy and her husband Tom Buchanan's mansion in East Egg, hoping that their paths would cross. This strategy proved to be unsuccessful so Gatsby found an alternative route and used his neighbor, Daisy's cousin, to arrange their encounter. Daisy was the icing on the cake for Gatsby, but she was a married woman, and ultimately, she chose her husband, Tom, over Gatsby, proving that Gatsby's riches just weren't enough.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is centralized around two major themes: the decline of the American Dream in the 1920's, in addition to the division and differences between the upper and lower classes. F. Scott Fitzgerald incorporates symbolism, foreshadowing, irony, and various other literary elements which help convey these important themes as the novel develops. Fitzgerald also uses his characters to not only reflect his character and his life, but also to better express these central themes. The novel takes place during the Roaring Twenties, which was a thriving age; however, Fitzgerald uses his novel to express the faults which were brought about during this era.”)

The writer should broaden his/her discussion of the themes found in the literary selection. By doing so, the readers would be able to more fully appreciate the multiple themes expressed in the literary selection. (“ Another central theme in the novel is the division and distinct differences between the upper and lower classes. Nick Carraway, the narrator and one of the main characters in the novel, reaches the conclusion that, ‘They were careless people. Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together and let other people clean up the mess they had made. . . ‘. (ch. 9) This theme is most clearly depicted in the events which resulted in the death of Myrtle Wilson, Tom Buchanan's mistress. Daisy, Tom's wife, was speeding home to East Egg in Gatsby's car, with Gatsby as her passenger, when Myrtle Wilson ran out into the road and was killed by Daisy.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas using specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses specific examples that relate to the theme of the story. (“Gatsby possessed an endless hunger for success and achievement, which made his attraction to the young, rich, and desirable Daisy Fay no surprise. Daisy's wealth and social status made her incredibly desirable to Gatsby, but he was a poor soldier with nothing to offer; so after the war, he devoted his life to success and became an extremely rich man through his illegal sales and production of alcohol. Gatsby's life was surrounded by wealth and materialistic items but he was missing one thing, Daisy, so Gatsby threw huge, elaborate parties at his extravagant mansion in West Egg, across the bay from Daisy and her husband Tom Buchanan's mansion in East Egg, hoping that their paths would cross. This strategy proved to be unsuccessful so Gatsby found an alternative route and used his neighbor, Daisy's cousin, to arrange their encounter. Daisy was the icing on the cake for Gatsby, but she was a married woman, and ultimately, she chose her husband, Tom, over Gatsby, proving that Gatsby's riches just weren't enough.”)

The essay contains important details but should also include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text so that the intended audience can understand all of the implications of the scenarios occurring in the literary selection. (“Daisy, Tom's wife, was speeding home to East Egg in Gatsby's car, with Gatsby as her passenger, when Myrtle Wilson ran out into the road and was killed by Daisy. Gatsby was assumed to be the driver and was, therefore, killed by Myrtle's husband, George Wilson, in an act to ‘right the wrong’ which had been done to Myrtle. Daisy never confessed to driving that car; she instead, retreated back into her money, and left the rest of the world to deal with these events.”)

The body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“The American Dream of the 1920's was this vision of success, wealth, opportunity, and this mind-set of ‘living in the moment’; however, this dream was not attainable by all and proved to be less than satisfying for those who did manage to grasp it. Jay Gatsby is a prime example of the ‘rags to riches’ American success story, but his life was a clear depiction of the lack of value that wealth and materialistic items ultimately possessed. ‘His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it’. (ch. 9) James Gatz was raised by a poor family of farmers in North Dakota before he took his life into his own hands upon his encounter with the extremely wealthy Dan Cody and developed his new persona, as the wealthy, sophisticated, and successful Jay Gatsby.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, and there is effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction provides the readers with relevant background information. (“ The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is centralized around two major themes: the decline of the American Dream in the 1920's, in addition to the division and differences between the upper and lower classes. F. Scott Fitzgerald incorporates symbolism, foreshadowing, irony, and various other literary elements which help convey these important themes as the novel develops. Fitzgerald also uses his characters to not only reflect his character and his life, but also to better express these central themes. The novel takes place during the Roaring Twenties, which was a thriving age; however, Fitzgerald uses his novel to express the faults which were brought about during this era.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used to promote the flow and sequence of ideas. (“ Another central theme in the novel is the division and distinct differences between the upper and lower classes. Nick Carraway, the narrator and one of the main characters in the novel, reaches the conclusion that, ‘They were careless people. Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together and let other people clean up the mess they had made. . . ‘. (ch. 9) This theme is most clearly depicted in the events which resulted in the death of Myrtle Wilson, Tom Buchanan's mistress. Daisy, Tom's wife, was speeding home to East Egg in Gatsby's car, with Gatsby as her passenger, when Myrtle Wilson ran out into the road and was killed by Daisy. Gatsby was assumed to be the driver and was, therefore, killed by Myrtle's husband, George Wilson, in an act to ‘right the wrong’ which had been done to Myrtle.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ F. Scott Fitzgerald clearly conveys the theme of the decline of the American Dream of the 1920's as well as the moral distinction between the upper and lower classes throughout the novel to express the truths of this era during this literary movement of modernism. Fitzgerald uses a variety of figurative language to express these ideas; in addition, Fitzgerald uses the lives of his characters to more clearly depict these themes. Most importantly, Fitzgerald exposes the uglier side of the Roaring Twenties, beyond the extravagant parties and careless mindset.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that contributed to the themes expressed in the literary selection. (“ Another central theme in the novel is the division and distinct differences between the upper and lower classes… This theme is most clearly depicted in the events which resulted in the death of Myrtle Wilson, Tom Buchanan's mistress. Daisy, Tom's wife, was speeding home to East Egg in Gatsby's car, with Gatsby as her passenger, when Myrtle Wilson ran out into the road and was killed by Daisy. Gatsby was assumed to be the driver and was, therefore, killed by Myrtle's husband, George Wilson, in an act to ‘right the wrong’ which had been done to Myrtle. Daisy never confessed to driving that car; she instead, retreated back into her money, and left the rest of the world to deal with these events.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the main plot so that by the end of the story, the readers understand how the events of the story contribute to the multiple themes found in the literary selection. (“ Jay Gatsby is a prime example of the ‘rags to riches’ American success story, but his life was a clear depiction of the lack of value that wealth and materialistic items ultimately possessed. ‘His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it’. (ch. 9) James Gatz was raised by a poor family of farmers in North Dakota before he took his life into his own hands upon his encounter with the extremely wealthy Dan Cody and developed his new persona, as the wealthy, sophisticated, and successful Jay Gatsby. Gatsby possessed an endless hunger for success and achievement, which made his attraction to the young, rich, and desirable Daisy Fay no surprise.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Daisy's wealth and social status made her incredibly desirable to Gatsby, but he was a poor soldier with nothing to offer; so after the war, he devoted his life to success and became an extremely rich man through his illegal sales and production of alcohol. Gatsby's life was surrounded by wealth and materialistic items but he was missing one thing, Daisy, so Gatsby threw huge, elaborate parties at his extravagant mansion in West Egg, across the bay from Daisy and her husband Tom Buchanan's mansion in East Egg, hoping that their paths would cross. This strategy proved to be unsuccessful so Gatsby found an alternative route and used his neighbor, Daisy's cousin, to arrange their encounter. Daisy was the icing on the cake for Gatsby, but she was a married woman, and ultimately, she chose her husband, Tom, over Gatsby, proving that Gatsby's riches just weren't enough.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ F. Scott Fitzgerald clearly conveys the theme of the decline of the American Dream of the 1920's as well as the moral distinction between the upper and lower classes throughout the novel to express the truths of this era during this literary movement of modernism. Fitzgerald uses a variety of figurative language to express these ideas; in addition, Fitzgerald uses the lives of his characters to more clearly depict these themes. Most importantly, Fitzgerald exposes the uglier side of the Roaring Twenties, beyond the extravagant parties and careless mindset.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In The Hunger Games, a book by Suzanne Collins, the author conveys many ideas about society and behavior of different kinds of people. In the book, the government is in complete control and decides major decisions for everyone. Each person has a purpose in society, and with that purpose comes a whole life of planned out jobs, schools, and activities. Many of the themes in the book focus around the utopian society and how it functions. The president, as they call him, is not really a president at all, but a dictator. Determined to banish evil and hostility he makes a sacrifice every year. This is another theme in the book, one that is more disturbing than the others. The fact that the leader of the districts sacrifices their children for fun. One of the major themes, however, is choices. Even though the society seems perfect, many people in the society feel as if they have no way to do what they want, no way to be free.

Suzanne Collins wrote The Hunger Games with many underlining themes. At the beginning of the book the major theme is the most prominent. It is that a society cannot be perfect, just as it can't be imperfect. Society tells us what we should do, how we should dress, who we should associate with. Society can never hold back peoples ambition, free will, and understanding of who they want to be. With this in mind Collins captures those in the story who are not satisfied with what society says. Katniss, the main character of the novel sees how the government is corrupt and wants to stop it, but she does not know how. To rise up against society, which is in perfect alignment with the government, would be the equivalent of asking for a death sentence. Katniss is faced with societies greatest down falls on reaping day when she is chosen for the hunger games. In the capital this is seen as a joyous celebration for new entertainment, but in reality is it nothing more than the exploitation of human life. The government says they value it's citizens, yet every year they send children into an arena to fight to the death. Katniss and everyone else go along with the idea because society has placed it in their head as something normal and perfectly acceptable. Collins focuses on the few characters who not only disagree with the status quo but also those who plan to overturn its cycle.

Another theme in this book is rebellion. Rebellion is normally seen as people who are fighting for something they believe and others don't agree because it is wrong. However, in this book rebellion would be for the right reasons. It would be to take back their freedom and to save innocent children from being killed. Collins shows how a society that seems perfect on the outside can be totally corrupt in reality. Everyone goes along with what people say because they assume they are right. When the rebellion occurred it was seen how society cannot be perfect. The government was forcing the people to chose where they didn't have any other options. Even after the rebellion tension were still not settled and everyone knew that society was something you base off of everyone, not a single person or group. In order for society to function everyone had to have equal power in the world. No one could be below or above anyone else or tensions would grow again. Jealously and hatred rose up as the root of the rebellion and a perfect society is not possible with these kinds of thoughts in it.

The last theme of the book was focused around how people saw themselves. The government decided each persons future without any of their input. Many people saw it as normal and did what they were assigned, but others saw it as their freedom being taken away. Free will is something that each person desires. With that comes our dreams and hopes. Dreams are something that is very important to each person. Without people doing what they are passionate about society will not be to it's fullest. Everyone wants to do something they will enjoys and Collins shows this by placing characters in positions they do not enjoy. SHe once again shows how a perfect society is not possible with so many rules, regulations, and restrictions.

Collins main theme in The Hunger Games was to show society at it's worse where it looked to be a it's best. Nothing can be perfect, especially something as large as a society. That is like asking for people to be perfect and not make mistakes, which is something that can never be achieved. For society to be at it's best it has to be controlled by it's citizens, not one person or group who thinks they could makes decisions for everyone. Perfect societies are not possible but fair societies can always be achieved.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on three specific themes expressed in the literary selection. He/she is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. The development of this framework contributes to a cohesive response that reflects the requirements of the prompt task. (“ In The Hunger Games, a book by Suzanne Collins, the author conveys many ideas about society and behavior of different kinds of people. In the book, the government is in complete control and decides major decisions for everyone. Each person has a purpose in society, and with that purpose comes a whole life of planned out jobs, schools, and activities. Many of the themes in the book focus around the utopian society and how it functions. The president, as they call him, is not really a president at all, but a dictator. Determined to banish evil and hostility he makes a sacrifice every year. This is another theme in the book, one that is more disturbing than the others. The fact that the leader of the districts sacrifices their children for fun. One of the major themes, however, is choices. Even though the society seems perfect, many people in the society feel as if they have no way to do what they want, no way to be free. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The last theme of the book was focused around how people saw themselves. The government decided each persons future without any of their input. Many people saw it as normal and did what they were assigned, but others saw it as their freedom being taken away. Free will is something that each person desires. With that comes our dreams and hopes. Dreams are something that is very important to each person. Without people doing what they are passionate about society will not be to it's fullest. Everyone wants to do something they will enjoys and Collins shows this by placing characters in positions they do not enjoy. SHe once again shows how a perfect society is not possible with so many rules, regulations, and restrictions. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about three specific themes expressed during the course of the story. (“ Another theme in this book is rebellion. Rebellion is normally seen as people who are fighting for something they believe and others don't agree because it is wrong. However, in this book rebellion would be for the right reasons. It would be to take back their freedom and to save innocent children from being killed. Collins shows how a society that seems perfect on the outside can be totally corrupt in reality. Everyone goes along with what people say because they assume they are right. When the rebellion occurred it was seen how society cannot be perfect. The government was forcing the people to chose where they didn't have any other options.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are illustrated, using a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. However, the writer should use direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Society can never hold back peoples ambition, free will, and understanding of who they want to be. With this in mind Collins captures those in the story who are not satisfied with what society says. Katniss, the main character of the novel sees how the government is corrupt and wants to stop it, but she does not know how. To rise up against society, which is in perfect alignment with the government, would be the equivalent of asking for a death sentence. Katniss is faced with societies greatest down falls on reaping day when she is chosen for the hunger games. In the capital this is seen as a joyous celebration for new entertainment, but in reality is it nothing more than the exploitation of human life.”)

The writer should include relevant paraphrasing of dialogue, or direct quotes (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story to enhance the overall message to the intended audience. (“The government decided each persons future without any of their input. Many people saw it as normal and did what they were assigned, but others saw it as their freedom being taken away. Free will is something that each person desires. With that comes our dreams and hopes. Dreams are something that is very important to each person. Without people doing what they are passionate about society will not be to it's fullest. Everyone wants to do something they will enjoys and Collins shows this by placing characters in positions they do not enjoy. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Rebellion is normally seen as people who are fighting for something they believe and others don't agree because it is wrong. However, in this book rebellion would be for the right reasons. It would be to take back their freedom and to save innocent children from being killed. Collins shows how a society that seems perfect on the outside can be totally corrupt in reality. Everyone goes along with what people say because they assume they are right. When the rebellion occurred it was seen how society cannot be perfect. The government was forcing the people to chose where they didn't have any other options. Even after the rebellion tension were still not settled and everyone knew that society was something you base off of everyone, not a single person or group. In order for society to function everyone had to have equal power in the world. No one could be below or above anyone else or tensions would grow again. Jealously and hatred rose up as the root of the rebellion and a perfect society is not possible with these kinds of thoughts in it. ”)

Organization

The introduction clearly identifies the literary themes that will be discussed. (“ In The Hunger Games, a book by Suzanne Collins, the author conveys many ideas about society and behavior of different kinds of people. In the book, the government is in complete control and decides major decisions for everyone. Each person has a purpose in society, and with that purpose comes a whole life of planned out jobs, schools, and activities. Many of the themes in the book focus around the utopian society and how it functions. The president, as they call him, is not really a president at all, but a dictator. Determined to banish evil and hostility he makes a sacrifice every year. This is another theme in the book, one that is more disturbing than the others. The fact that the leader of the districts sacrifices their children for fun. One of the major themes, however, is choices. Even though the society seems perfect, many people in the society feel as if they have no way to do what they want, no way to be free. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Another theme in this book is rebellion. Rebellion is normally seen as people who are fighting for something they believe and others don't agree because it is wrong. However, in this book rebellion would be for the right reasons. It would be to take back their freedom and to save innocent children from being killed. Collins shows how a society that seems perfect on the outside can be totally corrupt in reality. Everyone goes along with what people say because they assume they are right. When the rebellion occurred it was seen how society cannot be perfect. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Collins main theme in The Hunger Games was to show society at it's worse where it looked to be a it's best. Nothing can be perfect, especially something as large as a society. That is like asking for people to be perfect and not make mistakes, which is something that can never be achieved. For society to be at it's best it has to be controlled by it's citizens, not one person or group who thinks they could makes decisions for everyone. Perfect societies are not possible but fair societies can always be achieved. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ At the beginning of the book the major theme is the most prominent. It is that a society cannot be perfect, just as it can't be imperfect. Society tells us what we should do, how we should dress, who we should associate with. Society can never hold back peoples ambition, free will, and understanding of who they want to be. With this in mind Collins captures those in the story who are not satisfied with what society says. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ Rebellion is normally seen as people who are fighting for something they believe and others don't agree because it is wrong. However, in this book rebellion would be for the right reasons. It would be to take back their freedom and to save innocent children from being killed. Collins shows how a society that seems perfect on the outside can be totally corrupt in reality. Everyone goes along with what people say because they assume they are right. When the rebellion occurred it was seen how society cannot be perfect. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ To rise up against society, which is in perfect alignment with the government, would be the equivalent of asking for a death sentence. Katniss is faced with societies greatest down falls on reaping day when she is chosen for the hunger games. In the capital this is seen as a joyous celebration for new entertainment, but in reality is it nothing more than the exploitation of human life. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ The government decided each persons future without any of their input. Many people saw it as normal and did what they were assigned, but others saw it as their freedom being taken away. Free will is something that each person desires. With that comes our dreams and hopes. Dreams are something that is very important to each person. Without people doing what they are passionate about society will not be to it's fullest. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Catcher in the Rye, written by J. D Salinger, is a classic novel with mulitple themes. With these themes, such as alienation, loneliness and lying. Holden was an emotion rollercoaster. Salinger portrayed Holden, the main character, as a young man who struggled with alienation amoungst his classmates, loneliness due to lack of friends, and lying.

In the novel, Holden expresses his loneliness both directly and indirectly. One example of loneliness depicted in the book was when Holden got off the train in Chapter nine. He said: "The first thing I did when I got off at Penn Station, I went into this phone booth. I felt like giving somebody a buzz. . . but as soon as I was inside, I couldn't think of anybody to call up. This quote from chapter nine shows loneliness because when Holden got off the train he couldnt call any of his friends because he did not have any to call up. Another example of his loneliness, was when he went to a bar and sat at the table by his lonesome and attempted to buy alcohol. Holden sat alone until he finally decided to get up and walk over to the table that was occupied with three females that he assumed was not from New York.

Along with loneliness, Holden also depicts alienation. In the first chapter Holden shows that he is alienated from his school, Pencey Prep, when he said "practically the whole school except me was there". This quote shows that his whole school engaged in the activity and he was the only one on the outside looking in. He was by himself while everyone in the whole school was at the school event. Not only was Holden alienated from school and his classmates, he was alienated throughout society as well. For example, in chapter sixteen, Holden says, "Everybody was all dressed up, because it was Sunday, and that made it worse. It made Holden seem not so happy nor dressed up like all the other citizens around him were.

The last theme that stood out the most within the novel was lying. Holden lied about alot of things during the course of the book. For instance, Holden lied about his age numerous times. He would lie about his age to make him seem older and grown up enough to purchase alcohol, but really Holden was struggling between the adult world and the kid world. Holden stated in chapeter three : "I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera." This quote lets readers know that Holden will quickly lie even if there is not a sufficent reason to lie in the first place. Once again, in chapter eight, when Holden was on the train he sat next to a fellow classmates mother and she asked Holden what was his name and he lied. He said "Rudolf Schmidt," I told her. I didn't feel like giving her my whole life history. Rudolf Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm." Holden lied about his name because he didnt feel that she should know his life and background.

Throughout The Catcher in the Rye, Salinger established themes that were both easy to pick out, and harder to understand than others. Having the main character, show these three main themes made the book more interesting. Themes make the character have more realistic character traits and it makes the book seem more realistic.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer selects three themes expressed throughout the novel and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenarios in their minds. (“Salinger portrayed Holden, the main character, as a young man who struggled with alienation amoungst his classmates, loneliness due to lack of friends, and lying. In the novel, Holden expresses his loneliness both directly and indirectly. One example of loneliness depicted in the book was when Holden got off the train in Chapter nine. He said: ‘The first thing I did when I got off at Penn Station, I went into this phone booth. I felt like giving somebody a buzz. . . but as soon as I was inside, I couldn't think of anybody to call up. This quote from chapter nine shows loneliness because when Holden got off the train he couldnt call any of his friends because he did not have any to call up. Another example of his loneliness, was when he went to a bar and sat at the table by his lonesome and attempted to buy alcohol. Holden sat alone until he finally decided to get up and walk over to the table that was occupied with three females that he assumed was not from New York.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer devotes each body paragraph to a theme and adequately illustrates the theme with relevant details from the text. (“Along with loneliness, Holden also depicts alienation. In the first chapter Holden shows that he is alienated from his school, Pencey Prep, when he said ‘practically the whole school except me was there’. This quote shows that his whole school engaged in the activity and he was the only one on the outside looking in. He was by himself while everyone in the whole school was at the school event. Not only was Holden alienated from school and his classmates, he was alienated throughout society as well. For example, in chapter sixteen, Holden says, ‘Everybody was all dressed up, because it was Sunday, and that made it worse. It made Holden seem not so happy nor dressed up like all the other citizens around him were.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang or an unsuitable tone. (“Once again, in chapter eight, when Holden was on the train he sat next to a fellow classmates mother and she asked Holden what was his name and he lied. He said ‘Rudolf Schmidt,’ I told her. I didn't feel like giving her my whole life history. Rudolf Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm.’ Holden lied about his name because he didnt feel that she should know his life and background.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“Along with loneliness, Holden also depicts alienation. In the first chapter Holden shows that he is alienated from his school, Pencey Prep, when he said ‘practically the whole school except me was there’. This quote shows that his whole school engaged in the activity and he was the only one on the outside looking in. He was by himself while everyone in the whole school was at the school event. Not only was Holden alienated from school and his classmates, he was alienated throughout society as well. For example, in chapter sixteen, Holden says, ‘Everybody was all dressed up, because it was Sunday, and that made it worse. It made Holden seem not so happy nor dressed up like all the other citizens around him were.”)

The essay contains quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“He would lie about his age to make him seem older and grown up enough to purchase alcohol, but really Holden was struggling between the adult world and the kid world. Holden stated in chapeter three : ‘I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera.’ This quote lets readers know that Holden will quickly lie even if there is not a sufficent reason to lie in the first place.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“In the novel, Holden expresses his loneliness both directly and indirectly. One example of loneliness depicted in the book was when Holden got off the train in Chapter nine. He said: ‘The first thing I did when I got off at Penn Station, I went into this phone booth. I felt like giving somebody a buzz. . . but as soon as I was inside, I couldn't think of anybody to call up. This quote from chapter nine shows loneliness because when Holden got off the train he couldnt call any of his friends because he did not have any to call up.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Catcher in the Rye, written by J. D Salinger, is a classic novel with mulitple themes. With these themes, such as alienation, loneliness and lying. Holden was an emotion rollercoaster. Salinger portrayed Holden, the main character, as a young man who struggled with alienation amoungst his classmates, loneliness due to lack of friends, and lying.”)

Although the writer employs elementary transitions between some sentences and paragraphs, more subtle t ransitional devices are needed (from the MY Access! Word Bank) to adequately connect ideas and improve the flow and sequence of the overall response. (“ The last theme that stood out the most within the novel was lying. Holden lied about alot of things during the course of the book. For instance, Holden lied about his age numerous times. He would lie about his age to make him seem older and grown up enough to purchase alcohol, but really Holden was struggling between the adult world and the kid world.”)

The conclusion is brief; it does not summarize the writer’s ideas, but it does manage to provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Throughout The Catcher in the Rye, Salinger established themes that were both easy to pick out, and harder to understand than others. Having the main character, show these three main themes made the book more interesting. Themes make the character have more realistic character traits and it makes the book seem more realistic. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In the first chapter Holden shows that he is alienated from his school, Pencey Prep, when he said ‘practically the whole school except me was there’. This quote shows that his whole school engaged in the activity and he was the only one on the outside looking in. He was by himself while everyone in the whole school was at the school event. Not only was Holden alienated from school and his classmates, he was alienated throughout society as well.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice throughout the essay. (“ Once again, in chapter eight, when Holden was on the train he sat next to a fellow classmates mother and she asked Holden what was his name and he lied. He said ‘Rudolf Schmidt,’ I told her. I didn't feel like giving her my whole life history. Rudolf Schmidt was the name of the janitor of our dorm.’ Holden lied about his name because he didnt feel that she should know his life and background. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Along with loneliness, Holden also depicts alienation. In the first chapter Holden shows that he is alienated from his school, Pencey Prep, when he said ‘practically the whole school except me was there’. This quote shows that his whole school engaged in the activity and he was the only one on the outside looking in. He was by himself while everyone in the whole school was at the school event.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of most words is checked. (“ Holden stated in chapeter three : ‘I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera.’ This quote lets readers know that Holden will quickly lie even if there is not a sufficent reason to lie in the first place.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Twilight

Twilight is about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire. When she fell in love with the vampire, she learns several lessons. Those life lessons are themes in the story. Three themes from the story include everything is not what it seems, be prepared, and somtimes you need to control yourself.

Everything is not what it seems

One theme in Twilight is that everything is not what it seems. When Bella moved into a new town Bella didn't even thought that there would be vampires. When she fell in love with this strange boy she figures out that he is a vampire. Bella figuring out Edward is a vampire shows that everything is not what it seems. At first Bella was afraid of Edward because he's a vampire and vampires drink human blood, but later Bella learns Edward is a kind of a vampire who dosn't drink human blood. This example shows that somtimes things are not what you expect. As seen in these examples, "everything is not what it seems," is an important theme in the story.

Be prepared

Another theme in Twilight is that always be prepared. Later in the story Bella finds out that her best friend is a werewolf, and she was never prepared for this. This example shows that you won't know what will happen in this world, so be preared for anything. When Bella first moved into the town she never thought it would be dangerous, but she wasn't prepared for the dangers around her. This example shows that you should be alwas prepared because danger is everywhere. As seen in these example being prepared is an important theme in the story.

Sometimes you need to control yourself

The last theme in Twilight is that sometimes you need to control yourself. In the story Edward learns control himself by not drinking Bella's blood. This example shows that you can control yourself even when its hard. Later in the stroy Edward and Jacob gets mad at each themselves by not fighting because of Bella. This shows you can't get everything so you need to control yourself. As seen in these examples controling yourself is and important theme in the story.

Conclusion

Twilight deals with many important themes that are also found in real life. Everything is not what it seems. Be prepared. And sometimes you need to control yourself. Examining these themes helps everyone understands life in a new way.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Three themes from the story include everything is not what it seems, be prepared, and somtimes you need to control yourself.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the themes from the literary piece, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of relevant details renders the essay limited at best. (“One theme in Twilight is that everything is not what it seems. When Bella moved into a new town Bella didn't even thought that there would be vampires. When she fell in love with this strange boy she figures out that he is a vampire. Bella figuring out Edward is a vampire shows that everything is not what it seems.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the multiple themes in the story. (“Later in the stroy Edward and Jacob gets mad at each themselves by not fighting because of Bella. This shows you can't get everything so you need to control yourself. As seen in these examples controling yourself is and important theme in the story.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Bella figuring out Edward is a vampire shows that everything is not what it seems. At first Bella was afraid of Edward because he's a vampire and vampires drink human blood, but later Bella learns Edward is a kind of a vampire who dosn't drink human blood. This example shows that somtimes things are not what you expect.”)

The writer attempts to illustrate main ideas with specific examples from the text; however, the explanations are repetitive and leave the readers with questions. (“The last theme in Twilight is that sometimes you need to control yourself. In the story Edward learns control himself by not drinking Bella's blood. This example shows that you can control yourself even when its hard.”)

The writer creates a very formulaic structure and attempts to develop ideas with repetitive details. (“The last theme in Twilight is that sometimes you need to control yourself. In the story Edward learns control himself by not drinking Bella's blood. This example shows that you can control yourself even when its hard. Later in the stroy Edward and Jacob gets mad at each themselves by not fighting because of Bella. This shows you can't get everything so you need to control yourself. As seen in these examples controling yourself is and important theme in the story.”)

Organization

The writer provides a limited thesis statement in the introduction. (“ Twilight is about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire. When she fell in love with the vampire, she learns several lessons. Those life lessons are themes in the story. Three themes from the story include everything is not what it seems, be prepared, and somtimes you need to control yourself. ”)

The writer uses elementary t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The last theme in Twilight is that sometimes you need to control yourself. In the story Edward learns control himself by not drinking Bella's blood. This example shows that you can control yourself even when its hard. Later in the stroy Edward and Jacob gets mad at each themselves by not fighting because of Bella. This shows you can't get everything so you need to control yourself. As seen in these examples controling yourself is and important theme in the story. ”)

The conclusion only serves to restate the thesis statement and does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Twilight deals with many important themes that are also found in real life. Everything is not what it seems. Be prepared. And sometimes you need to control yourself. Examining these themes helps everyone understands life in a new way. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. He/she reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition in portions of the essay. (“ One theme in Twilight is that everything is not what it seems. When Bella moved into a new town Bella didn't even thought that there would be vampires. When she fell in love with this strange boy she figures out that he is a vampire. Bella figuring out Edward is a vampire shows that everything is not what it seems. At first Bella was afraid of Edward because he's a vampire and vampires drink human blood, but later Bella learns Edward is a kind of a vampire who dosn't drink human blood. ”)

There are syntax issues in the essay as well. (“ Later in the stroy Edward and Jacob gets mad at each themselves by not fighting because of Bella. This shows you can't get everything so you need to control yourself. As seen in these examples controling yourself is and important theme in the story. ”)

Many of the sentences in the essay have weak structure, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ When she fell in love with the vampire, she learns several lessons. Those life lessons are themes in the story. Three themes from the story include everything is not what it seems, be prepared, and somtimes you need to control yourself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked . (“ At first Bella was afraid of Edward because he's a vampire and vampires drink human blood, but later Bella learns Edward is a kind of a vampire who dosn't drink human blood. This example shows that somtimes things are not what you expect. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever expirenced the loss of friends, violence, or guilt and blame? The book Speak is a story of a girl who as a freshmen has lost all of her friends over summer. This story has many different themes. One of the themes in this story is friendship.

Friendship in this story is a big thing. She lost all of her friends at a party right before school started back. Once she lost all of her friends nobody liked her. She wanted to try to get her friends back but it didn't work so she decided to make we ones. Once she made a friend it meant everything too her. How would you feal if you lost all of your friends?

Violence is a major deal in high schools now day, and also in this story. The main character is rapped at a party right before school started back. Everybody blames her for calling the police. Now she has know friends and everybody hates her. People push her and pull her hair. They say stuff about her and make fun of her. How would you feal if this was you?

Guilt and blame is a major problem in teens and also in this story. In this story the main character is blamed for calling the police at a party. She deals guilty because she blames the ones around her instead of her self. At the same time it was partly her falt. Have you ever felt guilt and blamed somebody else?

Some of the major themes in the story is friend ship, guilt and blame, and violence. Have you ever expirenced any of theis I have and so has the main character in this story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer states the central/controlling idea of the essay in a minimal way. (“Have you ever expirenced the loss of friends, violence, or guilt and blame? The book Speak is a story of a girl who as a freshmen has lost all of her friends over summer. This story has many different themes. One of the themes in this story is friendship.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas for the multiple themes present in the literary piece. (“ Guilt and blame is a major problem in teens and also in this story. In this story the main character is blamed for calling the police at a party. She deals guilty because she blames the ones around her instead of her self. At the same time it was partly her falt. Have you ever felt guilt and blamed somebody else? ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples or direct quotes to illustrate the multiple themes present in the literary selection. (“ Friendship in this story is a big thing. She lost all of her friends at a party right before school started back. Once she lost all of her friends nobody liked her. She wanted to try to get her friends back but it didn't work so she decided to make we ones. Once she made a friend it meant everything too her. How would you feal if you lost all of your friends?”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address several themes but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenarios and their connections to the themes. (“Violence is a major deal in high schools now day, and also in this story. The main character is rapped at a party right before school started back. Everybody blames her for calling the police. Now she has know friends and everybody hates her. People push her and pull her hair. They say stuff about her and make fun of her. How would you feal if this was you?”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to effectively explain and illustrate the different themes. (“Guilt and blame is a major problem in teens and also in this story. In this story the main character is blamed for calling the police at a party. She deals guilty because she blames the ones around her instead of her self. At the same time it was partly her falt. Have you ever felt guilt and blamed somebody else?”)

The writer needs to expand on his/her ideas in the body paragraphs and select more relevant information and direct quotes from the literary selection. (“Friendship in this story is a big thing. She lost all of her friends at a party right before school started back. Once she lost all of her friends nobody liked her. She wanted to try to get her friends back but it didn't work so she decided to make we ones. Once she made a friend it meant everything too her. How would you feal if you lost all of your friends?”)

Organization

The writer makes an attempt at organization in the essay; however, he/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is ineffective use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Have you ever expirenced the loss of friends, violence, or guilt and blame? The book Speak is a story of a girl who as a freshmen has lost all of her friends over summer. This story has many different themes. One of the themes in this story is friendship. ”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs that reflect the significance of the themes present in the literary selection. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Friendship in this story is a big thing. She lost all of her friends at a party right before school started back. Once she lost all of her friends nobody liked her. She wanted to try to get her friends back but it didn't work so she decided to make we ones. Once she made a friend it meant everything too her. How would you feal if you lost all of your friends?”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the themes of the literary piece effectively, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Some of the major themes in the story is friend ship, guilt and blame, and violence. Have you ever expirenced any of theis I have and so has the main character in this story. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short and choppy. (“ Everybody blames her for calling the police. Now she has know friends and everybody hates her. People push her and pull her hair. They say stuff about her and make fun of her. How would you feal if this was you?”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ The main character is rapped at a party right before school started back. Everybody blames her for calling the police. Now she has know friends and everybody hates her.”)

There is repetition. (“ Guilt and blame is a major problem in teens and also in this story. In this story the main character is blamed for calling the police at a party. She deals guilty because she blames the ones around her instead of her self. At the same time it was partly her falt. Have you ever felt guilt and blamed somebody else?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ At the same time it was partly her falt. Have you ever felt guilt and blamed somebody else? Some of the major themes in the story is friend ship, guilt and blame, and violence. Have you ever expirenced any of theis I have and so has the main character in this story. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In The Watsons go to Birmingham there are multiple themes. For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called "Daddy Cool," and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever. Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly. This shows tons of emotions and even made me connect with the characters. Bryon showing how much he actaully cared for Kenny was described so well that I started to become attached and didn't want to stop reading.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections among the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what multiple themes the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever. Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“This shows tons of emotions and even made me connect with the characters. Bryon showing how much he actaully cared for Kenny was described so well that I started to become attached and didn't want to stop reading.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of themes occurring in the selection.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address themes, but he/she does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly. This shows tons of emotions and even made me connect with the characters.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In The Watsons go to Birmingham there are multiple themes. For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever. Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly. This shows tons of emotions and even made me connect with the characters. Bryon showing how much he actaully cared for Kenny was described so well that I started to become attached and didn't want to stop reading.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate; it does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In The Watsons go to Birmingham there are multiple themes.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever. Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly.”) Using transitional devices in the essay (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the writer move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Bryon showing how much he actaully cared for Kenny was described so well that I started to become attached and didn't want to stop reading.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay response. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are syntax problems in portions in the essay. (“ For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ For instance one theme is that; family may not seen important, but when you think you might it your terrified. In the book Byron Is called ‘Daddy Cool,’ and he doesn't seem like he cares about the family what so ever.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ This shows tons of emotions and even made me connect with the characters. Bryon showing how much he actaully cared for Kenny was described so well that I started to become attached and didn't want to stop reading.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Once the familt goes to Birmingham Kenny is suprised to be sucked into some sort of Whirl Pool and Bryon comes to save him, and starts crying and squeezing him tightly.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

"A Sound of Thunder" by Ray Bradbury

Through his short story "A Sound of Thunder," Ray Bradbury attempts to convey to the reader an important lesson about human behavior.

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you examine the lesson Bradbury was trying to express through this tale. Make sure to include examples and details from the text to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ray Bradbury, is a famous author and widely known for his work on "A Sound of Thunder." His work on, "A Sound of Thunder" conveys a very meaningful truth in the actions of individuals. His ideas have sparked creativity throughout the world on pride, disbelieve, realization, and much more. His words have a truth to it that no one can deny. The Sound of Thunder is about an ambitious hunter who travels back in time to shoot a dinosaur. When the time comes to actually shoot the dinosaur he gets frightens and steps off the path and ends up stepping on a butterfly. The one butterfly that Eckles stepped on changed the entire course of history, when they returned they found a dictator was in power and the spelling was different than it was before. The story shows how the smallest things we do every day can make the biggest difference in the future. The lessons Ray Bradbury tries to convey through A Sound of Thunder are true and should be taken seriously by everyone who reads the story.

"Every Hunter that ever lived would envy us today. This makes Africa seem like Illinois" (Bradbury). Bradbury gives a perfect example of the pride of humans as Eckles begins to enter the dinosaur region. Eckles is a very ambitious hunter, he has hunted all of the animals on earth, and he is ready for the dinosaurs. There is not a sliver of doubt in him. Brandon Steiner was quoted, "Pride can blind you from seeing and overcoming obstacles in one's life." This is true because every day as we go through out of daily work it is often our pride that doesn't allow us to get over our obstacles.

Pride gives us false hope and courage but when realization hits us our pride will do nothing but hurt us. "I didn't realize it would be this big," said Eckles. "I miscalculated, that's all. And now I want out" (Bradbury). This is a phenomenal example of how realization hits us. Eckles had built up his false pride and hope of he could shoot a dinosaur in his sleep. He had built up false courage to make himself believe that he wasn't afraid of anything, but when time caught up to him he was terrified. Bradbury continues to write, "It was never like this before. I was always sure I'd come through alive" (Bradbury). This relates to how terrified Eckles is of the T - Rex. He let his pride get in the way of his judgment and now with it fading away he is realizing how risky and terrifying the situation is. It is when time finally catches up to us when our pride leaves and we are left with nothing but discouragement. By blocking out our pride in the first place, we can avoid these situations all together. In summary, it is the realization that hits us the hardest and when pride hurts.

Your pride not only affects you but it also affects others around you as well. In A Sound of Thunder, Ray Bradbury writes, “lay and entire world of streets and people. What sort of world it was now, there was no telling" (Bradbury). This is describing how Eckles had just returned from the safari and the world has changed all around him. Bradbury continues to write, "A small thing that could upset balances and knock down a line of small dominoes and then big dominoes and then gigantic dominoes, all down the years across time. Eckles' mind whirled. It couldn't change things. Killing one butterfly couldn't be that important. Could it?" (Bradbury) Ray Bradbury is describing how Eckles has returned to find everything different and to find the cause of he had just stepped on just one butterfly. That one butterfly changed the entire course of history, a perfect demonstration of how the small things, like a butterfly, can end up having the biggest impact. This relates well to other people's lives throughout their daily routine.

Some people might say that ray Bradbury is wrong and that pride is good for us and is what gives us confidence. They are right, to a small extent. Our pride does give us confidence, but the confidence it gives us is false. It blocks our view of the obstacles we have to face. Our pride fills us with false confidence and then hurts us when it goes away when we need it the most. Though pride may seem like a good thing like can be hurtful and very deceiving. I have shown you how pride can hurt you and others around you. I have also shown you how it can blind you so you cannot see your trials and obstacles you need to face. And how your pride fills you with false confidence and hope to only leave you when you need it the most. You have seen how badly your pride can get in your way and hurt you. In all I have proven how Ray Bradbury was correct in his lesson on the behavior of the individual.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer clearly communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she clearly describes some of the major events of the story and their significance with clear and descriptive details. (“Brandon Steiner was quoted, ‘Pride can blind you from seeing and overcoming obstacles in one's life.’ This is true because every day as we go through out of daily work it is often our pride that doesn't allow us to get over our obstacles. Pride gives us false hope and courage but when realization hits us our pride will do nothing but hurt us. ‘I didn't realize it would be this big,’ said Eckles. ‘I miscalculated, that's all. And now I want out’ (Bradbury). This is a phenomenal example of how realization hits us. Eckles had built up his false pride and hope of he could shoot a dinosaur in his sleep. He had built up false courage to make himself believe that he wasn't afraid of anything, but when time caught up to him he was terrified.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. The writer discusses the major plot points of the story and very effectively explains his/her analysis of the lessons to be learned from the text. (“Bradbury continues to write, ‘It was never like this before. I was always sure I'd come through alive’ (Bradbury). This relates to how terrified Eckles is of the T - Rex. He let his pride get in the way of his judgment and now with it fading away he is realizing how risky and terrifying the situation is. It is when time finally catches up to us when our pride leaves and we are left with nothing but discouragement. By blocking out our pride in the first place, we can avoid these situations all together. In summary, it is the realization that hits us the hardest and when pride hurts.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. The writer very effectively analyzes the lessons about human nature and explains the significance of “the butterfly effect.” (“ The one butterfly that Eckles stepped on changed the entire course of history, when they returned they found a dictator was in power and the spelling was different than it was before. The story shows how the smallest things we do every day can make the biggest difference in the future. The lessons Ray Bradbury tries to convey through A Sound of Thunder are true and should be taken seriously by everyone who reads the story. ‘Every Hunter that ever lived would envy us today. This makes Africa seem like Illinois’ (Bradbury). Bradbury gives a perfect example of the pride of humans as Eckles begins to enter the dinosaur region.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story and supports his/her ideas with direct quotations from the text/characters. (“Eckles had built up his false pride and hope of he could shoot a dinosaur in his sleep. He had built up false courage to make himself believe that he wasn't afraid of anything, but when time caught up to him he was terrified. Bradbury continues to write, ‘It was never like this before. I was always sure I'd come through alive’ (Bradbury). This relates to how terrified Eckles is of the T - Rex. He let his pride get in the way of his judgment and now with it fading away he is realizing how risky and terrifying the situation is. It is when time finally catches up to us when our pride leaves and we are left with nothing but discouragement.”)

The essay contains important details that include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text, which ensures readers have a clear understanding of the writer’s message. (“Eckles had built up his false pride and hope of he could shoot a dinosaur in his sleep. He had built up false courage to make himself believe that he wasn't afraid of anything, but when time caught up to him he was terrified. Bradbury continues to write, ‘It was never like this before. I was always sure I'd come through alive’ (Bradbury).”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay, and the writer develops each of the ideas and body paragraphs in the response equally. (“Your pride not only affects you but it also affects others around you as well. In A Sound of Thunder, Ray Bradbury writes, ‘lay and entire world of streets and people. What sort of world it was now, there was no telling’ (Bradbury). This is describing how Eckles had just returned from the safari and the world has changed all around him.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction very effectively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the author and the cultural significance of his work; the writer provides readers with background information. (“ Ray Bradbury, is a famous author and widely known for his work on ‘A Sound of Thunder.’ His work on, ‘A Sound of Thunder’ conveys a very meaningful truth in the actions of individuals. His ideas have sparked creativity throughout the world on pride, disbelieve, realization, and much more. His words have a truth to it that no one can deny. The Sound of Thunder is about an ambitious hunter who travels back in time to shoot a dinosaur. When the time comes to actually shoot the dinosaur he gets frightens and steps off the path and ends up stepping on a butterfly. The one butterfly that Eckles stepped on changed the entire course of history, when they returned they found a dictator was in power and the spelling was different than it was before. The story shows how the smallest things we do every day can make the biggest difference in the future.”)

Transitions within paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In summary, it is the realization that hits us the hardest and when pride hurts. Your pride not only affects you but it also affects others around you as well. In A Sound of Thunder, Ray Bradbury writes, ‘lay and entire world of streets and people. What sort of world it was now, there was no telling’ (Bradbury). This is describing how Eckles had just returned from the safari and the world has changed all around him.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. In the conclusion, the writer very effectively summarizes the main idea of the essay and explains its significance. (“Our pride does give us confidence, but the confidence it gives us is false. It blocks our view of the obstacles we have to face. Our pride fills us with false confidence and then hurts us when it goes away when we need it the most. Though pride may seem like a good thing like can be hurtful and very deceiving. I have shown you how pride can hurt you and others around you. I have also shown you how it can blind you so you cannot see your trials and obstacles you need to face. And how your pride fills you with false confidence and hope to only leave you when you need it the most. You have seen how badly your pride can get in your way and hurt you. In all I have proven how Ray Bradbury was correct in his lesson on the behavior of the individual. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the significant events in the story and explains how they relate to the lessons he/she is discussing. (“ Our pride fills us with false confidence and then hurts us when it goes away when we need it the most. Though pride may seem like a good thing like can be hurtful and very deceiving. I have shown you how pride can hurt you and others around you. I have also shown you how it can blind you so you cannot see your trials and obstacles you need to face.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the story and its meaning for the readers so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the implications of the story and the significance of its message for them personally. (“ This is true because every day as we go through out of daily work it is often our pride that doesn't allow us to get over our obstacles. Pride gives us false hope and courage but when realization hits us our pride will do nothing but hurt us. ‘I didn't realize it would be this big.’ said Eckles. ‘I miscalculated, that's all. And now I want out.’ (Bradbury) This is a phenomenal example of how realization hits us.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message and helps maintain the readers’ interest. (“Our pride fills us with false confidence and then hurts us when it goes away when we need it the most. Though pride may seem like a good thing like can be hurtful and very deceiving. I have shown you how pride can hurt you and others around you. I have also shown you how it can blind you so you cannot see your trials and obstacles you need to face.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ By blocking out our pride in the first place, we can avoid these situations all together. In summary, it is the realization that hits us the hardest and when pride hurts. Your pride not only affects you but it also affects others around you as well. In A Sound of Thunder, Ray Bradbury writes, ‘lay and entire world of streets and people. What sort of world it was now, there was no telling’ (Bradbury).”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The message that is conveyed throughout A Sound of Thunder is not a positive one. Humans are by nature very curious, hence the existence of questions and just about everything we have ever done. Humans are also selfish by nature, and although meaning well, many just end up like those who never try to hide it. This story describes a sort of mixture of the two: curiosity and selfishness. Those who are brave enough to decide to hunt dinosaurs must travel back in time; and as most big game hunts, it serves no purpose. The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative.

The first example is the entire concept of time travel in the first place. Humans have dreamt of such ideas for over a century, likely longer, and yet have never even come close to creating such a machine as the one in this story. It only resides in the imagination, and becomes whatever the person thinking wishes it to be. Some books show the "butterfly effect," as it is called, in which one tiny event in the past could change the course of history. This has become what seems to be an accepted belief among writers. It also sparks curiosity among readers, and characters in such stories. The characters in this particular story are curious about what it was like to travel back in time and see what life was like tens of millions of years before humans existed.

Greed and selfishness are the second major component of this message. As previously stated, humans are, by nature, self-centered. Although many can put this aside and focus on others' needs over theirs, most just succumb to instinctual impulses. Big game hunters, like those in this story, only hunt for the thrill of the kill, and have no use for the animal, which goes to waste. The whole butterfly effect does not come into play in the hunters' minds until they are told about the possible consequences. This is why the company only allows the killing of dinosaurs that would have died seconds afterward. They are specifically told to stay on this path, and the rules are overruled by instincts., causing the killing of a butterfly that changes the course of an election and places the United States under an iron-fisted dictatorship. The entire world had been transformed because of a few men's desire for adventure.

The main message seems to say that humans will always revert to primal urges, even through the strongest of wills. The path is still stepped off of, due to the threat of a tyrannosaurus charge. The modern world is changed because of one man's fear millions of years prior. Human selfishness and curiosity affect the lives of people everyday, and of course the lives of those in A Sound of Thunder. Actions of several ruin the future because of an idea that was never really practical in the first place, and the main character in the story is shot in the head due to his inability to follow directions. The man killing him was the man leading the expedition, whose desire for thrill ended up dragging his men down with him and causing a catastrophe.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the implications of Ray Bradbury’s story. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the essay. (“The characters in this particular story are curious about what it was like to travel back in time and see what life was like tens of millions of years before humans existed. Greed and selfishness are the second major component of this message. As previously stated, humans are, by nature, self-centered. Although many can put this aside and focus on others' needs over theirs, most just succumb to instinctual impulses. Big game hunters, like those in this story, only hunt for the thrill of the kill, and have no use for the animal, which goes to waste. The whole butterfly effect does not come into play in the hunters' minds until they are told about the possible consequences. ”)

The writer includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text and its message. (“ This is why the company only allows the killing of dinosaurs that would have died seconds afterward. They are specifically told to stay on this path, and the rules are overruled by instincts., causing the killing of a butterfly that changes the course of an election and places the United States under an iron-fisted dictatorship. The entire world had been transformed because of a few men's desire for adventure. ”)

The writer successfully analyzes the text and makes connections between the story, the prompt task, and the ways in which the story’s message fits into popular culture. (“ Those who are brave enough to decide to hunt dinosaurs must travel back in time; and as most big game hunts, it serves no purpose. The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative. The first example is the entire concept of time travel in the first place. Humans have dreamt of such ideas for over a century, likely longer, and yet have never even come close to creating such a machine as the one in this story. It only resides in the imagination, and becomes whatever the person thinking wishes it to be. Some books show the ‘butterfly effect,’ as it is called, in which one tiny event in the past could change the course of history. This has become what seems to be an accepted belief among writers.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay could be improved with more specific examples and directly cited quotations from the text. (“Big game hunters, like those in this story, only hunt for the thrill of the kill, and have no use for the animal, which goes to waste. The whole butterfly effect does not come into play in the hunters' minds until they are told about the possible consequences. This is why the company only allows the killing of dinosaurs that would have died seconds afterward. They are specifically told to stay on this path, and the rules are overruled by instincts., causing the killing of a butterfly that changes the course of an election and places the United States under an iron-fisted dictatorship. The entire world had been transformed because of a few men's desire for adventure.”)

The writer includes specific details and clear references to the story. (“They are specifically told to stay on this path, and the rules are overruled by instincts., causing the killing of a butterfly that changes the course of an election and places the United States under an iron-fisted dictatorship. The entire world had been transformed because of a few men's desire for adventure. The main message seems to say that humans will always revert to primal urges, even through the strongest of wills. The path is still stepped off of, due to the threat of a tyrannosaurus charge. The modern world is changed because of one man's fear millions of years prior. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are relevant to the main idea of the essay and help further the writer’s message. (“ The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative. The first example is the entire concept of time travel in the first place. Humans have dreamt of such ideas for over a century, likely longer, and yet have never even come close to creating such a machine as the one in this story. It only resides in the imagination, and becomes whatever the person thinking wishes it to be. Some books show the ‘butterfly effect,’ as it is called, in which one tiny event in the past could change the course of history.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates good organization. It reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction effectively explains the purpose of the essay as well as its controlling/central idea and briefly provides background information. (“ The message that is conveyed throughout A Sound of Thunder is not a positive one. Humans are by nature very curious, hence the existence of questions and just about everything we have ever done. Humans are also selfish by nature, and although meaning well, many just end up like those who never try to hide it. This story describes a sort of mixture of the two: curiosity and selfishness. Those who are brave enough to decide to hunt dinosaurs must travel back in time; and as most big game hunts, it serves no purpose. The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative. ”)

Transitions between sentences are used well. However, the writer uses very simplistic transitions between paragraphs throughout the essay. (“ The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative. The first example is the entire concept of time travel in the first place. ”)

The writer includes a conclusion that effectively restates his/her central/controlling idea and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. The conclusion could be improved with greater detail and a final thought for readers to consider. (“ Human selfishness and curiosity affect the lives of people everyday, and of course the lives of those in A Sound of Thunder. Actions of several ruin the future because of an idea that was never really practical in the first place, and the main character in the story is shot in the head due to his inability to follow directions. The man killing him was the man leading the expedition, whose desire for thrill ended up dragging his men down with him and causing a catastrophe. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer employs varied, well-structured sentences that help maintain the readers’ interest. (“ This story describes a sort of mixture of the two: curiosity and selfishness. Those who are brave enough to decide to hunt dinosaurs must travel back in time; and as most big game hunts, it serves no purpose. The kill is only meant for the sport and thrill, and the animal killed is of no further use to the person who killed it. A Sound of Thunder conveys a message of greed and curiosity portrayed through an exciting narrative. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the response, and the consistent voice throughout the response makes the writer’s message clearer to readers. (“ It only resides in the imagination, and becomes whatever the person thinking wishes it to be. Some books show the ‘butterfly effect,’ as it is called, in which one tiny event in the past could change the course of history. This has become what seems to be an accepted belief among writers. It also sparks curiosity among readers, and characters in such stories. The characters in this particular story are curious about what it was like to travel back in time and see what life was like tens of millions of years before humans existed. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Greed and selfishness are the second major component of this message. As previously stated, humans are, by nature, self-centered. Although many can put this aside and focus on others' needs over theirs, most just succumb to instinctual impulses. Big game hunters, like those in this story, only hunt for the thrill of the kill, and have no use for the animal, which goes to waste. The whole butterfly effect does not come into play in the hunters' minds until they are told about the possible consequences. This is why the company only allows the killing of dinosaurs that would have died seconds afterward ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. (“ Human selfishness and curiosity affect the lives of people everyday, and of course the lives of those in A Sound of Thunder. Actions of several ruin the future because of an idea that was never really practical in the first place, and the main character in the story is shot in the head due to his inability to follow directions. The man killing him was the man leading the expedition, whose desire for thrill ended up dragging his men down with him and causing a catastrophe. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Every story is written for a reason. Stories attempt to teach people a life lesson, and they usually involve mistakes made by characters and the consequences they face because of their actions. Human behavior is a popular cause of problems through stories. I would expect Eckels from A Sound of Thunder to be very upset with himself, due to his mistakes. When you mess with time travel, it is known that any minor change made, can have a huge impact on the present time. That's just what Eckels did. Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for.

Many people constantly forget what is important in their life, which makes them unappreciative of what they have. Knowing our priorities is key to learning what not to do to mess up your life. Keith being president was very important to Eckels, but this was something he was unaware of. Eckels and his companions had one simple plan, go back in time and kill a dinosaur. All Eckels had to do was follow his orders by staying on the path. He stepped away from the path, causing the world to change forever. Keith was no longer president when they returned, and Eckels was devastated. He was unaware of his priorities, and that cost him his life. In comparison to thankfulness for what you have, a final reason that Bradbury taught his readers in A Sound of Thunder was to be careful what you wish for.

Wishes may not always be granted, but that does not mean you can't be careful for what you want. Eckels wished to time travel, and his wish was granted. His actions in the past time caused him to be killed, he was over confident when he got his wish and did not think about his actions or what he could have done. His companions threatened to leave him behind, but he dug the bullets out of the dead dinosaur so they let him go back to the present time, where he died shortly after their return. Wishes can have strange or harmful outcomes sometimes.

Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. He taught all these lessons through one character, and all the decisions and mistakes were made by or through the same character. A Sound of Thunder reminded me of a few lessons to think about, and made me reflect on some of my life regrets. The main purpose of A Sound of Thunder was to make me think about decisions that I make before I act on them, and I plan on focusing on what is best for my future.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer selects the important plot points of the story and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario and its implications in their minds. (“His companions threatened to leave him behind, but he dug the bullets out of the dead dinosaur so they let him go back to the present time, where he died shortly after their return. Wishes can have strange or harmful outcomes sometimes. Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. He taught all these lessons through one character, and all the decisions and mistakes were made by or through the same character.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. The writer adequately explains his/her ideas using information from the story. (“All Eckels had to do was follow his orders by staying on the path. He stepped away from the path, causing the world to change forever. Keith was no longer president when they returned, and Eckels was devastated. He was unaware of his priorities, and that cost him his life. In comparison to thankfulness for what you have, a final reason that Bradbury taught his readers in A Sound of Thunder was to be careful what you wish for.”)

The writer includes and explains a basic analysis of the lessons Ray Bradbury might have been trying to convey through the story. The writer adequately explains these ideas to his/her intended audience. (“I would expect Eckels from A Sound of Thunder to be very upset with himself, due to his mistakes. When you mess with time travel, it is known that any minor change made, can have a huge impact on the present time. That's just what Eckels did. Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. However, the response could be improved with more directly cited details from the story. (“Many people constantly forget what is important in their life, which makes them unappreciative of what they have. Knowing our priorities is key to learning what not to do to mess up your life. Keith being president was very important to Eckels, but this was something he was unaware of. Eckels and his companions had one simple plan, go back in time and kill a dinosaur. All Eckels had to do was follow his orders by staying on the path. He stepped away from the path, causing the world to change forever. Keith was no longer president when they returned, and Eckels was devastated.”)

The writer adequately explains how his/her ideas relate to the plot and characters of the story. (“His actions in the past time caused him to be killed, he was over confident when he got his wish and did not think about his actions or what he could have done. His companions threatened to leave him behind, but he dug the bullets out of the dead dinosaur so they let him go back to the present time, where he died shortly after their return. Wishes can have strange or harmful outcomes sometimes.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. More detailed descriptions and explanations could improve the overall message of the response. (“Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. Many people constantly forget what is important in their life, which makes them unappreciative of what they have. Knowing our priorities is key to learning what not to do to mess up your life. Keith being president was very important to Eckels, but this was something he was unaware of.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Throughout the response, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by remarking about the nature and possible significance of works of fiction. (“ Every story is written for a reason. Stories attempt to teach people a life lesson, and they usually involve mistakes made by characters and the consequences they face because of their actions. Human behavior is a popular cause of problems through stories. I would expect Eckels from A Sound of Thunder to be very upset with himself, due to his mistakes.”)

The writer could improve his/her response by employing subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs. More t ransitional devices can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank to help the writer adequately connect his/her ideas. (“ Keith being president was very important to Eckels, but this was something he was unaware of. Eckels and his companions had one simple plan, go back in time and kill a dinosaur. All Eckels had to do was follow his orders by staying on the path. He stepped away from the path, causing the world to change forever. Keith was no longer president when they returned, and Eckels was devastated. He was unaware of his priorities, and that cost him his life. In comparison to thankfulness for what you have, a final reason that Bradbury taught his readers in A Sound of Thunder was to be careful what you wish for.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion, and the writer leaves readers with something to think about. (“ Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. He taught all these lessons through one character, and all the decisions and mistakes were made by or through the same character. A Sound of Thunder reminded me of a few lessons to think about, and made me reflect on some of my life regrets. The main purpose of A Sound of Thunder was to make me think about decisions that I make before I act on them, and I plan on focusing on what is best for my future. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. He/she provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. He taught all these lessons through one character, and all the decisions and mistakes were made by or through the same character. A Sound of Thunder reminded me of a few lessons to think about, and made me reflect on some of my life regrets. The main purpose of A Sound of Thunder was to make me think about decisions that I make before I act on them, and I plan on focusing on what is best for my future.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes; occasionally, the writer uses informal language and expressions. (“ When you mess with time travel, it is known that any minor change made, can have a huge impact on the present time. That's just what Eckels did. Three lessons Bradbury taught his readers from A Sound of Thunder are any changes can have a huge impact, be thankful for what you have, and be careful for what you wish for. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. The writer makes occasional mistakes in usage and sentence structure, but his/her message remains clear. (“ Knowing our priorities is key to learning what not to do to mess up your life. Keith being president was very important to Eckels, but this was something he was unaware of. Eckels and his companions had one simple plan, go back in time and kill a dinosaur.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, checks the spelling of chosen words, and indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks. (“ Wishes may not always be granted, but that does not mean you can't be careful for what you want. Eckels wished to time travel, and his wish was granted. His actions in the past time caused him to be killed, he was over confident when he got his wish and did not think about his actions or what he could have done. His companions threatened to leave him behind, but he dug the bullets out of the dead dinosaur so they let him go back to the present time, where he died shortly after their return. Wishes can have strange or harmful outcomes sometimes.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story the sound of thunder there are many lessons that can be thought. These lessons can be very important to a person and I will say some things that are in the story that Ray Bradbury tried to express in his story. These lessons are major themes in the story they contain that technology can be very harmful to the world, you, other people, or events in history may change.

Technology we think is a great and wonderful thing that will eventually solve all are problems. In this story Ray Bradburys way of telling us that technology can be very dangerous as in the time machine. The time machine is a harmful piece of technology because if you mess something up when you are back in time you could change the very being of something. Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly. The lesson that Eckels learned was to follow directions because if you don't there can be a punishment. That is one way that technology can be harmful and is in the story.

There are many more ways that technology can be dangerous like the guns in the story. Guns can be harmful Eckels learned when I think he was shot by Travis in the end of the story for the crime that Travis said he did. Guns are also a dangerous technology advancement because they can be a very harmful thing as in when the hunters killed the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The bullets were also a Harmful technology because if they left one bullet they could have changed the world forever like the dead butterfly did. The bullets in the book were all picked up by Eckels because he went off the path.

Those are some of the lessons in the book the sound of thunder. In this book Ray tried to show that technology can be harmful and I think he did. That is the main lessons in this book are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few or vague connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay includes a limited central/controlling idea. The central/controlling idea is vague, and it does not accurately convey some of the writer’s ideas. (“These lessons are major themes in the story they contain that technology can be very harmful to the world, you, other people, or events in history may change.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing the significance of some parts of the story’s plot, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Technology we think is a great and wonderful thing that will eventually solve all are problems. In this story Ray Bradburys way of telling us that technology can be very dangerous as in the time machine. The time machine is a harmful piece of technology because if you mess something up when you are back in time you could change the very being of something. Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the theme/message of the story; he/she states a possible lesson about human nature but does not focus on the main ideas specifically enough to satisfy the requirements of the prompt task. (“Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly. The lesson that Eckels learned was to follow directions because if you don't there can be a punishment. That is one way that technology can be harmful and is in the story.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. Many of the writer’s examples/explanations are vague. (“Technology we think is a great and wonderful thing that will eventually solve all are problems. In this story Ray Bradburys way of telling us that technology can be very dangerous as in the time machine. The time machine is a harmful piece of technology because if you mess something up when you are back in time you could change the very being of something. Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. The response would be improved with the inclusion of specific details from the text. (“Guns can be harmful Eckels learned when I think he was shot by Travis in the end of the story for the crime that Travis said he did. Guns are also a dangerous technology advancement because they can be a very harmful thing as in when the hunters killed the Tyrannosaurus Rex.”)

The writer simply states his/her ideas and does not provide adequate information to explain and illustrate each of them adequately. (“Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly. The lesson that Eckels learned was to follow directions because if you don't there can be a punishment. That is one way that technology can be harmful and is in the story.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay response as well. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks effective paragraphing. The writer uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to convey some background information in the introduction. However, he/she does not provide enough explanation for the readers to adequately understand the introduction. (“ In the story the sound of thunder there are many lessons that can be thought. These lessons can be very important to a person and I will say some things that are in the story that Ray Bradbury tried to express in his story. These lessons are major themes in the story they contain that technology can be very harmful to the world, you, other people, or events in history may change. ”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ That is one way that technology can be harmful and is in the story. There are many more ways that technology can be dangerous like the guns in the story. Guns can be harmful Eckels learned when I think he was shot by Travis in the end of the story for the crime that Travis said he did. ”) Using more subtle transitional devices will help the essay move from one main idea to the next help the writer lesson the repetition in his/her transitions.

The conclusion only serves to restate one of the writer’s ideas; it does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as they consider the message and themes of the story. (“ Those are some of the lessons in the book the sound of thunder. In this book Ray tried to show that technology can be harmful and I think he did. That is the main lessons in this book are. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. He/she reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer often uses repetitive sentence structures or language to convey his/her ideas. (“ The lesson that Eckels learned was to follow directions because if you don't there can be a punishment. That is one way that technology can be harmful and is in the story. There are many more ways that technology can be dangerous like the guns in the story. ”)

The writer’s language and style choices are often simplistic and/or informal. (“ Those are some of the lessons in the book the sound of thunder. In this book Ray tried to show that technology can be harmful and I think he did. That is the main lessons in this book are. ”)

Many of the sentences in the response demonstrate a weak or incorrect structure, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated, careful word choices. (“ The bullets were also a Harmful technology because if they left one bullet they could have changed the world forever like the dead butterfly did. The bullets in the book were all picked up by Eckels because he went off the path. Those are some of the lessons in the book the sound of thunder. In this book Ray tried to show that technology can be harmful and I think he did. That is the main lessons in this book are.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, check the spelling of chosen words, and indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks. (“ Technology we think is a great and wonderful thing that will eventually solve all are problems. In this story Ray Bradburys way of telling us that technology can be very dangerous as in the time machine. The time machine is a harmful piece of technology because if you mess something up when you are back in time you could change the very being of something. Like in Eckels case when he changed the winner of the presidential race by stepping on a butterfly. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ray Bradbury was trying to get us to learn about human reactions towards stuff that happens. The way that one of the character reacted in the story was scared. The character names was Eckel. The reason I said that he was scared because in the story he say's " get me out of her" . The other character gets really upset and mad at Eckel's because he get's off the path and ruins the future when Eckels steps off the path and kills a butterfly. The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path.,

Because of Eckel's behavior the future was was different. If he wouldn't been so scared and not step off the path the future would be the same. The lesson is that you can be scared but still cant to the wrong thing like stepping off the path. Ray Bradbury was trying to tell people to follow directions and not to get off path.

Travis told Eckel's that he could not come back with them because what he did. Travis was holding the gun and saying that he was not coming. Travis said "get up. go out on the path alone". Travis made a deal with Eckel's to get elbow deep in the T Rex mouth and get the bullets from its head. So Eckels went and got the bullets from the dinosour.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions a possible message from the story. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Ray Bradbury was trying to get us to learn about human reactions towards stuff that happens. The way that one of the character reacted in the story was scared. The character names was Eckel. The reason I said that he was scared because in the story he say's ‘ get me out of her’ .”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include enough relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer is unable to successfully relay his/her message to the intended audience. (“The lesson is that you can be scared but still cant to the wrong thing like stepping off the path. Ray Bradbury was trying to tell people to follow directions and not to get off path. Travis told Eckel's that he could not come back with them because what he did. Travis was holding the gun and saying that he was not coming.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to explain or clarify his/her ideas. (“ Travis said ‘get up. go out on the path alone’. Travis made a deal with Eckel's to get elbow deep in the T Rex mouth and get the bullets from its head. So Eckels went and got the bullets from the dinosour.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The writer does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the message of Ray Bradbury’s story but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the themes and their implications. (“The character names was Eckel. The reason I said that he was scared because in the story he say's ‘ get me out of her’ . The other character gets really upset and mad at Eckel's because he get's off the path and ruins the future when Eckels steps off the path and kills a butterfly. The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path.,”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. Occasionally, the writer includes quotations from the story, but they do not serve to enhance the message of the response. (“Travis told Eckel's that he could not come back with them because what he did. Travis was holding the gun and saying that he was not coming. Travis said ‘get up. go out on the path alone’. Travis made a deal with Eckel's to get elbow deep in the T Rex mouth and get the bullets from its head. So Eckels went and got the bullets from the dinosour.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. Instead of summarizing the plot of the book, the writer needs to develop his/her ideas more completely. (“The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path., Because of Eckel's behavior the future was was different. If he wouldn't been so scared and not step off the path the future would be the same.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. The essay has a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. The writer’s introduction is vague. (“Ray Bradbury was trying to get us to learn about human reactions towards stuff that happens. The way that one of the character reacted in the story was scared.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the themes or lessons of the literary selection. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs or between ideas. (“The other character gets really upset and mad at Eckel's because he get's off the path and ruins the future when Eckels steps off the path and kills a butterfly. The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path., Because of Eckel's behavior the future was was different.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main themes of the story or the ideas of the essay. Instead, he/she summarizes part of the plot of the story. (“Travis told Eckel's that he could not come back with them because what he did. Travis was holding the gun and saying that he was not coming. Travis said ‘get up. go out on the path alone’. Travis made a deal with Eckel's to get elbow deep in the T Rex mouth and get the bullets from its head. So Eckels went and got the bullets from the dinosour.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer’s word choices are often vague, and his/her descriptions of the events, characters, and lessons in the story are unspecific. The essay would benefit from clearer word choices and descriptions. (“ Ray Bradbury was trying to get us to learn about human reactions towards stuff that happens. The way that one of the character reacted in the story was scared. The character names was Eckel. The reason I said that he was scared because in the story he say's ‘ get me out of her’ . The other character gets really upset and mad at Eckel's because he get's off the path and ruins the future when Eckels steps off the path and kills a butterfly. The character name is Travis. ”)

Exact words are missing and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay response. The writer makes consistent errors in usage and sentence structure. (“ Ray Bradbury was trying to get us to learn about human reactions towards stuff that happens. The way that one of the character reacted in the story was scared. The character names was Eckel. The reason I said that he was scared because in the story he say's ‘ get me out of her’ . The other character gets really upset and mad at Eckel's because he get's off the path and ruins the future when Eckels steps off the path and kills a butterfly. The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path., ”)

There is repetition of some words in the essay, and the writer often includes words that should have been used or spelled differently. (“ Because of Eckel's behavior the future was was different. If he wouldn't been so scared and not step off the path the future would be the same. The lesson is that you can be scared but still cant to the wrong thing like stepping off the path. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay response. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, check the spelling of chosen words, and indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks. (“The character name is Travis. Travis told everyone to stay on the path., Because of Eckel's behavior the future was was different. If he wouldn't been so scared and not step off the path the future would be the same. The lesson is that you can be scared but still cant to the wrong thing like stepping off the path. Ray Bradbury was trying to tell people to follow directions and not to get off path.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

is the auther trying to tell us in the story of Sound of Thunder? was reading this story the auther was trying to tell that if do not listen to what someone is telling you not to do and you go off and do you will get into truble. then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble. he examples of lesson is when Eckels was told not to step off the path and he did and it change every thing in the fucher. travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay response. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections between the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what themes or ideas the writer is conveying from the text. The response is unfocused, and the ideas are unorganized. (“he examples of lesson is when Eckels was told not to step off the path and he did and it change every thing in the fucher. travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue; he/she mentions characters by name but does not explain their role in the story or introduce the story in a coherent way. (“then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble. he examples of lesson is when Eckels was told not to step off the path and he did and it change every thing in the fucher.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“he examples of lesson is when Eckels was told not to step off the path and he did and it change every thing in the fucher. travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”)

Content & Development

The writer does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. He/she seems to be attempting to address the events of the story but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop any of his/her ideas. (“travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. The writer summarizes the plot of the story instead of presenting his/her own ideas. (“is the auther trying to tell us in the story of Sound of Thunder? was reading this story the auther was trying to tell that if do not listen to what someone is telling you not to do and you go off and do you will get into truble. then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure without a recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate, and the writer does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. Issues with the language used in the response make the introduction unclear. (“ is the auther trying to tell us in the story of Sound of Thunder? was reading this story the auther was trying to tell that if do not listen to what someone is telling you not to do and you go off and do you will get into truble. then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ travis seen that Eckles steped off the the he got all upset at him and said that he changed every thing now. told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”) Using transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The writer does not include a strong conclusion. He/she ends the essay with a description of the end of the story and does not mention the lessons about human nature, a requirement of the prompt task. (“ after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay response. The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer demonstrates an inadequate awareness of audience. Issues with word usage throughout the response leave readers unsure of the writer’s intended audience. (“ then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble.”)

The structure of some of the sentences contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the writing task. The writer’s major errors in usage and structure are evidence of an inadequate control of voice. ( “ is the auther trying to tell us in the story of Sound of Thunder? was reading this story the auther was trying to tell that if do not listen to what someone is telling you not to do and you go off and do you will get into truble. then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble. he examples of lesson is when Eckels was told not to step off the path and he did and it change every thing in the fucher.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. Often, the writer’s sentences are incomplete or difficult to understand. (“ told him that her does not know if is going to save him or not. after that you her Travis breth loud in the room he heard shift his rifle click the safey catch he raised the weapon and then you here a sound thunder.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, check the spelling of chosen words, and indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks. (“is the auther trying to tell us in the story of Sound of Thunder? was reading this story the auther was trying to tell that if do not listen to what someone is telling you not to do and you go off and do you will get into truble. then if you do not like to other people, then you ned to do something about that then you not get into truble.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

An Epic Hero

An epic hero is a character that possesses courage, strength, and a desire to achieve immortality through heroic actions. Select a fictional character that exemplifies these qualities, and explain why this person can be considered an epic hero. Make sure to include specific details and examples to support your claim.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

An epic hero is a character that possesses courage, strength, and a desire to achieve immortality through heroic actions. This description is a perfect match to Beowulf. In his three noted battles, Beowulf exhibits mighty courage, unbelievable strength, and an unwillingness to withdraw. However, a real hero must have one more characteristic. A hero must desire the safety and security of his followers and comrades over his own welfare. Beowulf demonstrates this as well. In his three recorded battles, Beowulf proves to be a true hero.

Grendel is Beowulf's first challenge. Grendel is a creature that has been threatening King Hrothgar of Denmark and his people for some time. It is hinted in the poem that Grendel's dislike of these Danes is from being outcast into the outer lands of the country. Perhaps Grendel was a human before being shunned; however, he is referred to as a monster on several occasions and lines 740-748 describe the creature eating a human and possessing claws or talons. Whatever Grendel is, he is an enemy: one that Beowulf is compelled to defeat. He feels obligated to help Hrothgar because the king once helped Beowulf's father. With the intent to rescue in mind, Beowulf and a group of his men sail to the aid of the Danes. Although the townsfolk have many horrible stories of Grendel, Beowulf is not deterred and commits to defeating the creature. This courage is Beowulf's first example of being an epic hero.

The second enemy is Grendel's mother. Line 1504 also mentions talons, conveying that Grendel's mother is also a monster. What makes this encounter another example of heroism is the demonstration of strength. Lines 559-569 regale an account of a time past where Beowulf proved to be strong in an underwater battle. His strength is proven again when he is captured by Grendel's mother and dragged below the surface of the water. The entire battle is fought underwater, and Beowulf survives. A hero might be considered more powerful than an average human: a super-human. Winning an underwater battle against a creature that makes the water its home certainly confirms Beowulf's "super-human" abilities. It also displays another heroic quality.

After these battles, Beowulf is honored by Hrothgar, and he and his men return to Geatland, where they are reunited with their own king and regale him of their adventures. By then Beowulf is known far and wide for his victories and regarded as an esteemed fighter and leader. Not long after his return, Beowulf's king and the king's son die. Beowulf ascends to the thrown and rules there for fifty years. Geatland is very prosperous during this time, but an anxious thief comes upon a horde of treasures. However, the treasures are being guarded by a dragon who becomes angry and begins wreaking havoc on the Geats. Beowulf decides that because he is old and will probably die soon anyway, he will go face the dragon. With the help of his friend, Wiglaf, the dragon is defeated. However, Beowulf is bitten in the neck by the dragon and soon after dies. This self sacrifice is evidence of the third and final attribute of being an epic hero. Beowulf's desire to see his people prosper outweighs the human instinct to survive.

If an epic hero is defined by an individual's courage, strength, and desire to achieve immortality through heroic actions, then Beowulf is certainly an epic hero. He proved to be courageous against Grendel, a mighty fighter against Grendel's angered mother, and truthfully self sacrificing when he faced the dragon. These qualities set Beowulf apart from other characters not only in the book, but also in other literature. He is in a whole different category. Any person who has read J. R. R. Tolkin's Lord of the Rings trilogy would say that Frodo Baggins is an epic hero. He risks his life to save man kind. Beowulf does the same thing, simply on a smaller scale. Even so, Beowulf's accomplishments are not any less than Frodo Baggins', and he can still be considered an epic hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective, constant focus and meaning. He/she clearly and strongly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes an in-depth analysis of the qualities of a hero while connecting literary elements to the central idea of the essay. ( “In his three noted battles, Beowulf exhibits mighty courage, unbelievable strength, and an unwillingness to withdraw. However, a real hero must have one more characteristic. A hero must desire the safety and security of his followers and comrades over his own welfare. Beowulf demonstrates this as well. In his three recorded battles, Beowulf proves to be a true hero.”)

Content & Development

The content throughout the essay remains creative, descriptive, and effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed by using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence. The writer effectively uses his/her knowledge of the chosen character to create insightful connections that support the main idea. (“ These qualities set Beowulf apart from other characters not only in the book, but also in other literature. He is in a whole different category. Any person who has read J. R. R. Tolkin's Lord of the Rings trilogy would say that Frodo Baggins is an epic hero. He risks his life to save man kind. Beowulf does the same thing, simply on a smaller scale.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is effectively established in the opening paragraph, and it is supported by a cohesive, unified structure and strong conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow smoothly throughout the entire essay. (“ However, the treasures are being guarded by a dragon who becomes angry and begins wreaking havoc on the Geats. Beowulf decides that because he is old and will probably die soon anyway, he will go face the dragon. With the help of his friend, Wiglaf, the dragon is defeated. However, Beowulf is bitten in the neck by the dragon and soon after dies. This self sacrifice is evidence of the third and final attribute of being an epic hero. Beowulf's desire to see his people prosper outweighs the human instinct to survive.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and effective. He/she defines the major aspects of a hero in a diverse and descriptive manner. The writer’s voice remains well-defined, and it establishes a strong sense of audience. (“The entire battle is fought underwater, and Beowulf survives. A hero might be considered more powerful than an average human: a super-human. Winning an underwater battle against a creature that makes the water its home certainly confirms Beowulf's "super-human" abilities. It also displays another heroic quality.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes effective control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. These errors do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“A hero must desire the safety and security of his followers and comrades over his own welfare. Beowulf demonstrates this as well. In his three recorded battles, Beowulf proves to be a true hero.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ever since I was a child I always liked Superman, it seemed like every other kid liked him as well. I like him because I thought that his powers were amazing. I have never seen a living being lifting up trains or stop buildings from falling. His strength and his abilities impressed me, even though he was a cartoon character I still thought he was "cool". Bullets could not penetrate him and baseball bats could not hurt him, it seemed like he was invincible. He was always brave fighting evil and helping other people that are in need. I thought that he was great not only because he was strong, fast, and could fly, but because he used all his powers to do good things, when so easily he could have done evil and been unstoppable.

Superman is a good role model for young kids growing up and he also sets a good example for the environment. Superman exemplifies a good and positive attitude such as, never giving up to negative things and he has never given up on things he set out to do. Clark Kent is his civilian name, he hides his identity so no one knows who he is. I feel like he is a very humble person for hiding his identity, he can so easily persuade others to worship him and live a rich life. Superman does not take advantage of his powers and his skills, instead he lives a normal life and goes to work like every other person. He works very hard as a civilian and he goes through all the struggles that everyday people go through such as falling in love, sacrificing his own pleasure to help others, and feeling the same emotional feelings as every other person.

In many situations Superman could have easily turned to evil, but he never fell into temptation. He has a clear sense of right and wrong. He knows that peace and harmony is the right way to live life, and he stops those that try to ruin peace and harmony in the world.

Superman forgives his enemies even after they try to kill him and destroy him, he does not kill them instead he uses justice to deal with them. He is a very honest and fair individual. There are countless times where he has sacrificed his time and his pain to help others and to save others. He has also been betrayed by the people he was trying to help. For example in one of the Superman episodes, the villain set him up and attempted to trap him in a cave. The villain and his sidekick acted as if they were in distress and when Superman came to try and save them they used Kryptonite ( Supermans weakness) and surrounded him with it so he became weak. Even through these evil plans and schemes to try to destroy Superman, in the end no matter what Superman still prevails.

After Superman had been betrayed and trapped so many times by the human race, for some reason he still devotes his life into helping humans. I feel like he is a super hero that deserves a lot of respect. A crime fighting super hero, that is invincible and faster than anything on this planet. He is definitely a great role model for kids, teenagers, and adults. I feel he is the best super hero overall simply because no other super hero can compare to his magnificent strength, speed, bravery, or intelligence. Superman is surely the all time greatest super hero. After all his name is Superman.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates a clear focus and meaning. The writer maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong comparison of the major qualities of a hero while connecting literary elements to the central idea of the essay. (“ Superman does not take advantage of his powers and his skills, instead he lives a normal life and goes to work like every other person. He works very hard as a civilian and he goes through all the struggles that everyday people go through such as falling in love, sacrificing his own pleasure to help others, and feeling the same emotional feelings as every other person.”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay remains creative, descriptive, and clear. Ideas are clearly introduced by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence; the writer uses his/her knowledge of the chosen character to create connections that support the main idea. (“ He is a very honest and fair individual. There are countless times where he has sacrificed his time and his pain to help others and to save others. He has also been betrayed by the people he was trying to help. For example in one of the Superman episodes, the villain set him up and attempted to trap him in a cave.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is clearly established in the opening paragraph and then supported by a unified structure with a strong conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow well and are consistent throughout the essay. (“Bullets could not penetrate him and baseball bats could not hurt him, it seemed like he was invincible. He was always brave fighting evil and helping other people that are in need. I thought that he was great not only because he was strong, fast, and could fly, but because he used all his powers to do good things, when so easily he could have done evil and been unstoppable.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative and appropriate. He/she clearly defines the major aspects of a hero in a diverse and innovative manner. The writer’s voice is clearly defined, and there is a strong awareness of audience. (“After Superman had been betrayed and trapped so many times by the human race, for some reason he still devotes his life into helping humans. I feel like he is a super hero that deserves a lot of respect. A crime fighting super hero, that is invincible and faster than anything on this planet. He is definitely a great role model for kids, teenagers, and adults.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist that do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Superman is a good role model for young kids growing up and he also sets a good example for the environment. Superman exemplifies a good and positive attitude such as, never giving up to negative things and he has never given up on things he set out to do.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you have an all time epic hero? Throughout history there have been many epic heros. There has been Batman, Superman and Spiderman. But the most pure hearted and faithful to his duty as a hero is Hercules. Hercules was the son of the gods. His father was Zeus, the god of lightening. The most powerful god of all. There are many characteristics that Hercules possesses. He has much courage and is not afraid of anything. He possesses the strength of his father, very strong and powerful. But most of all he has the desire to achieve immortality.

I have always seen Hercules as the bravest of them all. He as a child, fought monsters. The slaves of Haides. Haides was the god of the underworld. He was for many years trying to rule the world. He tried to murder Hercules so it would be easy to take control. But the day of his birthday monsters of Haides took Hercules from his home in the heavens and tried to murder him but were not successful. Hercules killed them. He was just a toddler when this was taking place. This showed his courage.

Hercules did not just possess courage, he also possessed strength. He was a teenager when he started fighting off monsters to protect his town and his people. He would pick up outrageously heavy bodlers, carts of hay, and many other things to help out the mortal parents he lived with on earth. The mortals knew he was not a normal child but left it alone. Hercules then asked where he had come from. He found out he was the son of Zeus. Which then sent him on a journey.

Hercules then desired to achieve immortality. He was to look inside himself and find out what makes a god, a god. Hercules tried but got no where. He fought monsters, rescued people from fires and did what he felt that would get him home. But, nothing seemed to work. Hercules than met a girl, whom he fell in love with. One day he went to great lengths to save her from dying. He gave his life for hers to be restored. This, then helped him achieve immortality because he thought with the size of his heart and not with the size of his strength.

A hero to me is anyone like Hercules. A hero doesn't help others and look for something to recieve in return. A hero does helpful tidings out of his heart. A hero is a person who goes to great lengths to make others lives better even if it means giving up their own.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates an adequate focus and meaning and maintains a basic and fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer does establish a comparison of the qualities of a hero and connects some literary elements to the central idea of the essay. (“Hercules than met a girl, whom he fell in love with. One day he went to great lengths to save her from dying. He gave his life for hers to be restored. This, then helped him achieve immortality because he thought with the size of his heart and not with the size of his strength.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is creative while remaining adequately descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced by using some specific and accurate evidence; the writer adequately attempts to use his/her knowledge of the chosen character to create connections that support the main idea. (“ But the day of his birthday monsters of Haides took Hercules from his home in the heavens and tried to murder him but were not successful. Hercules killed them. He was just a toddler when this was taking place. This showed his courage.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is adequately established in the opening paragraph. There is evidence of a unified structure with a noticeable conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are inconsistent throughout the essay. (“ The mortals knew he was not a normal child but left it alone. Hercules then asked where he had come from. He found out he was the son of Zeus. This then sent him on a journey.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. He/she describes the different characteristics of a hero in a general manner. The writer’s voice is apparent and establishes a sense of audience. (“ A hero to me is anyone like Hercules. A hero doesn't help others and look for something to recieve in return. A hero does helpful tidings out of his heart. A hero is a person who goes to great lengths to make others lives better even if it means giving up their own.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly detract from communication of the message. (“Do you have an all time epic hero? Throughout history there have been many epic heros. There has been Batman, Superman and Spiderman.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many people may know what a hero is, but often, they do not know what an epic hero is. The definition of an epic hero is a character that possesses courage, strength, and a desire to achieve immortality through heroic actions. There are many epic heroes through out of history, whether it is fictional or non-fictional, such as Beowulf in Anglo-Saxon time, Zeus in ancient mythology.

In our society, there are many fictional characters in today’s movie industry shared hero’s characteristics that can be considered as an epic hero. For example, Spider Man believed in justices, fight against the evil, protects our community. Like the scene in the movie Spider Man 2 where the evil guy cut the railroad and all the innocent people in that train will die if the train continues, then spider man used all the strength he had to stop the train. As a result the train stopped, but spider man was in serious injury. Therefore, even thought Spider Man is only a fiction character, but he can definitely be considered as one of epic hero.

As a conclusion, epic hero gives people a sense of peace, as well as courage and strength. Like Beowulf and spider man. People admires them disregard whether the hero is fiction or non-fiction.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates a limited focus and meaning. He/she maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer does attempt to establish a comparison of the general qualities of a hero while using some literary elements, but his/her comparisons may be inconsistent. (“then spider man used all the strength he had to stop the train. As a result the train stopped, but spider man was in serious injury. Therefore, even thought Spider Man is only a fiction character, but he can definitely be considered as one of epic hero.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. Ideas are introduced using little accurate or specific evidence. This writer uses limited information regarding his/her chosen character to support the main idea. (“ There are many epic heroes through out of history, whether it is fictional or non-fictional, such as Beowulf in Anglo-Saxon time, Zeus in ancient mythology.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea remains uncertain. The essay demonstrates limited structure in the paragraphs and has a weak conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are limited and inconsistent throughout the essay. (“As a conclusion, epic hero gives people a sense of peace, as well as courage and strength. Like Beowulf and spider man. People admires them disregard whether the hero is fiction or non-fiction.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. The writer describes the different characteristics of a hero in a basic manner. His/her voice is somewhat apparent and establishes some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences, insufficient sentence variety, and a limited word choice. (“ Like the scene in the movie Spider Man 2 where the evil guy cut the railroad and all the innocent people in that train will die if the train continues, then spider man used all the strength he had to stop the train.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message. (“Therefore, even thought Spider Man is only a fiction character, but he can definitely be considered as one of epic hero.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

An epic hero is like superman, it is someone that has super powers at could pick up anything they want to pick up to help people. Some one that will help people when there is trouble. I picked superman because he has everything a super hero will want to have.

For example , Superman could pick up or throw things that are really hard for other people to pick up. He could also see from very far away.Any where they call him he will be there to help other people.

In addition, Superman can also fly in the sky and help people that are in a air plane or anything that has to do in the sky.He could do many different things when people are in danger, even someone he really loves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates minimal control over focus and meaning and maintains a confused or incomplete focus in the opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. There is no attempt to establish a comparison of the different qualities of a hero, and the writer does not use literary elements to make connections. (“ For example , Superman could pick up or throw things that are really hard for other people to pick up.”)

Content & Development

The writing throughout the essay contains limited content and development. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. The writer introduces ideas using little accurate or specific evidence, and he/she supports the main idea with very limited information regarding the chosen character. ( “ I picked superman because he has everything a super hero will want to have.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. There is little structure in the essay’s paragraphs, and the conclusion is weak. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are negligible. (“In addition, Superman can also fly in the sky and help people that are in a air plane or anything that has to do in the sky.He could do many different things when people are in danger, even someone he really loves.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. He/she describes the different aspects of a hero in a minimal fashion. There is little awareness of audience, and there are basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. ( “An epic hero is like superman, it is someone that has super powers at could pick up anything they want to pick up to help people. Some one that will help people when there is trouble.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“An epic hero is like superman, it is someone that has super powers at could pick up anything they want to pick up to help people. Some one that will help people when there is trouble.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When people view hero's they probly think of men because there are more hero'e that are men, but still there has been a great number of womean that have become hero's and they have been some of the best hero's of all. Like Wonder womean, batgirl, superwomean, Storm, electria, which all have had there time of fame. when I think of a hero I go back in time more when Wonder Womean and all of tem were not even created yet. The hero I am speaken is Xena warrior Priness

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates an inadequate focus and no actual meaning. He/she fails to establish any type of focus on the different qualities of a hero or to use literary elements to make connections. (“ Like Wonder womean, batgirl, superwomean, Storm, electria, which all have had there time of fame.”)

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequate content and development. Any ideas that are introduced are not developed using descriptive details. There are no meaningful references to the chosen character in the essay. ( “when I think of a hero I go back in time more when Wonder Womean and all of tem were not even created yet.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed. There is little structure in the essay’s paragraphs, and it ends with a weak conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are negligible. (“there has been a great number of womean that have become hero's and they have been some of the best hero's of all.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is unclear and incoherent. He/she fails to describe the different aspects of a hero. There is no awareness of an audience, and the essay contains major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“When people view hero's they probly think of men because there are more hero'e that are men.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. These errors significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Like Wonder womean, batgirl, superwomean, Storm, electria, which all have had there time of fame. when I think of a hero I go back in time more when Wonder Womean and all of tem were not even created yet. The hero I am speaken is Xena warrior Priness”)

Analysis of an Author’s Choices in a Literary Work

In any given literary work, whether it be a novel, play, or short story, authors have to make a variety of choices regarding where the story will be set, how the plot or action is ordered (i.e., chronological vs. flashbacks), and how the characters are introduced and developed.

In a well-developed essay, analyze the author's choices of elements in a specific literary work while also evaluating the impact that such choices have had on the success of the text as a whole. Be sure to provide examples and textual evidence to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In any given literary work, authors have to make a plethora of choices regarding the story's setting or settings, how the plot will progress throughout the story, and how to introduce and further develop characters. Characterization is defined as the act of constructing and developing a character and is a paramount topic, in which the writer needs to make important decisions. The writer can use direct characterization, indirect characterization, or a combination of both. In Oedipus the King, the author uses the literary elements of indirect and direct characterization throughout the story to introduce and develop his protagonist, Oedipus, especially by the use of diction, motivation, and dialogue.

Diction, or the author's word choice, is a valuable factor used in developing a character, as can be seen in Oedipus the King. While Oedipus is talking to a group of children, he reveals that "I sent Creon to Apollo that he might learn there by what act I could save this city" (Grene 429). The application of diction in a story is crucial because it determines the writer's style. For example, a literary work can be formal or informal, abstract or concrete, plain or ornate, and ordinary or technical. The use of diction, in the quote above, reveals Oedipus's sympathy towards his subjects, as well as understanding and taking action of his duties as a ruler. Thus, this story is written formally and makes clear of the ruler-to-subject relationship displayed between Oedipus and the children. All in all, the usage of diction highly impacts the story and is successful in fulfilling its purpose, which is to determine the writer's style.

Another element the author chooses to incorporate in molding his character is motivation. Oedipus was becoming very exasperated in pleading with the herdsman and angrily states "If you'll not talk to me, you will talk with pain to urge you" (Grene 469). Motivation is defined as a reason that explains or partially explains a character's thoughts, feelings, actions, or speech. Motivation comes in many varying forms such as from physical needs, wants, desires, dreams, values, and ideals. In the story, Oedipus is getting desperate to the point of using threats because he is motivated by the need to know the truth, to save his people from the plague. This provides clues to what a character is thinking and feeling and is vital in every character and story. Importantly, effective characterization involves constructing motivations to make characters seem more believable and more relatable. As a result, motivation is used to chart the thoughts and actions of a character and is successfully demonstrated in Oedipus the King.

Lastly, the author's utilization of dialogue or conversation between characters, throughout the progression of the story is substantial because it reveals insights into the character(s). After finally learning the truth, Oedipus is deeply agonized and cries out "Leave me live in the mountains, which my mother and father would have made my tomb" (Grene 480). The notability of this device is great because it reveals the character and events while keeping the readers interested. Dialogue can also serve various other purposes, such as heightening the tension in the story and conveying irony. Also, dialogue embodies the evolvement of a character from the exposition to the resolution. For example, the quote reveals how Oedipus drastically changes from being an upright and proud king to one who is crippled by the knowledge of the truth, eventually exiling himself to a mountain to perish. In conclusion, Oedipus the King triumphantly uses dialogue in many different ways and contributes to the telling and unraveling of the story and characters.

Diction, motivation, and dialogue are three elements that are involved in the formulating and molding of a character. Diction is the writer's word choice and serves the purpose of determining the writer's style. Motivation is a reason that makes clear of a character's feelings, thoughts, or actions, while also charting character growth and analyzing the plot. Dialogue is the conversation between characters. Each of these factors is embodied successfully in Oedipus the King and is crucial to any given literary work. In creating a novel, play, short story, or other work, authors must decide upon various choices involving setting, plot, and characters. In the end, all of these pieces tie up and form the backbone of a written literary work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the author’s choices through a central/controlling idea.

The writer effectively communicates an understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she describes some of the author’s choices in the literary selection with clear and descriptive details. (“Lastly, the author's utilization of dialogue or conversation between characters, throughout the progression of the story is substantial because it reveals insights into the character(s). After finally learning the truth, Oedipus is deeply agonized and cries out ‘Leave me live in the mountains, which my mother and father would have made my tomb’ (Grene 480). The notability of this device is great because it reveals the character and events while keeping the readers interested. Dialogue can also serve various other purposes, such as heightening the tension in the story and conveying irony. Also, dialogue embodies the evolvement of a character from the exposition to the resolution.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Diction, motivation, and dialogue are three elements that are involved in the formulating and molding of a character. Diction is the writer's word choice and serves the purpose of determining the writer's style. Motivation is a reason that makes clear of a character's feelings, thoughts, or actions, while also charting character growth and analyzing the plot. Dialogue is the conversation between characters. Each of these factors is embodied successfully in Oedipus the King and is crucial to any given literary work. In creating a novel, play, short story, or other work, authors must decide upon various choices involving setting, plot, and characters. In the end, all of these pieces tie up and form the backbone of a written literary work.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ The writer can use direct characterization, indirect characterization, or a combination of both. In Oedipus the King, the author uses the literary elements of indirect and direct characterization throughout the story to introduce and develop his protagonist, Oedipus, especially by the use of diction, motivation, and dialogue.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific examples to illustrate the impact of the author’s choices in the literary selection. (“Diction, or the author's word choice, is a valuable factor used in developing a character, as can be seen in Oedipus the King. While Oedipus is talking to a group of children, he reveals that ‘I sent Creon to Apollo that he might learn there by what act I could save this city’ (Grene 429). The application of diction in a story is crucial because it determines the writer's style. For example, a literary work can be formal or informal, abstract or concrete, plain or ornate, and ordinary or technical. The use of diction, in the quote above, reveals Oedipus's sympathy towards his subjects, as well as understanding and taking action of his duties as a ruler.”)

The essay contains important details that include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text. (“Lastly, the author's utilization of dialogue or conversation between characters, throughout the progression of the story is substantial because it reveals insights into the character(s). After finally learning the truth, Oedipus is deeply agonized and cries out ‘Leave me live in the mountains, which my mother and father would have made my tomb’ (Grene 480). The notability of this device is great because it reveals the character and events while keeping the readers interested. Dialogue can also serve various other purposes, such as heightening the tension in the story and conveying irony.”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“Another element the author chooses to incorporate in molding his character is motivation. Oedipus was becoming very exasperated in pleading with the herdsman and angrily states ‘If you'll not talk to me, you will talk with pain to urge you’ (Grene 469). Motivation is defined as a reason that explains or partially explains a character's thoughts, feelings, actions, or speech. Motivation comes in many varying forms such as from physical needs, wants, desires, dreams, values, and ideals.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and the effective use of transitional devices.

The writer captures the readers’ attention from the very beginning of the essay. (“ In any given literary work, authors have to make a plethora of choices regarding the story's setting or settings, how the plot will progress throughout the story, and how to introduce and further develop characters. Characterization is defined as the act of constructing and developing a character and is a paramount topic, in which the writer needs to make important decisions. The writer can use direct characterization, indirect characterization, or a combination of both. In Oedipus the King, the author uses the literary elements of indirect and direct characterization throughout the story to introduce and develop his protagonist, Oedipus, especially by the use of diction, motivation, and dialogue.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used very effectively. (“ Lastly, the author's utilization of dialogue or conversation between characters, throughout the progression of the story is substantial because it reveals insights into the character(s). After finally learning the truth, Oedipus is deeply agonized and cries out ‘Leave me live in the mountains, which my mother and father would have made my tomb’ (Grene 480). The notability of this device is great because it reveals the character and events while keeping the readers interested.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Diction, motivation, and dialogue are three elements that are involved in the formulating and molding of a character. Diction is the writer's word choice and serves the purpose of determining the writer's style. Motivation is a reason that makes clear of a character's feelings, thoughts, or actions, while also charting character growth and analyzing the plot. Dialogue is the conversation between characters. Each of these factors is embodied successfully in Oedipus the King and is crucial to any given literary work. In creating a novel, play, short story, or other work, authors must decide upon various choices involving setting, plot, and characters. In the end, all of these pieces tie up and form the backbone of a written literary work.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits very effective language use and style. He/she demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the intended message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the author’s choices and connects those choices to their impact on the readers. (“ Dialogue can also serve various other purposes, such as heightening the tension in the story and conveying irony. Also, dialogue embodies the evolvement of a character from the exposition to the resolution. For example, the quote reveals how Oedipus drastically changes from being an upright and proud king to one who is crippled by the knowledge of the truth, eventually exiling himself to a mountain to perish. In conclusion, Oedipus the King triumphantly uses dialogue in many different ways and contributes to the telling and unraveling of the story and characters.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed toward the intended audience. (“ The application of diction in a story is crucial because it determines the writer's style. For example, a literary work can be formal or informal, abstract or concrete, plain or ornate, and ordinary or technical. The use of diction, in the quote above, reveals Oedipus's sympathy towards his subjects, as well as understanding and taking action of his duties as a ruler. Thus, this story is written formally and makes clear of the ruler-to-subject relationship displayed between Oedipus and the children. All in all, the usage of diction highly impacts the story and is successful in fulfilling its purpose, which is to determine the writer's style.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and elaborate details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Dialogue can also serve various other purposes, such as heightening the tension in the story and conveying irony. Also, dialogue embodies the evolvement of a character from the exposition to the resolution. For example, the quote reveals how Oedipus drastically changes from being an upright and proud king to one who is crippled by the knowledge of the truth, eventually exiling himself to a mountain to perish. In conclusion, Oedipus the King triumphantly uses dialogue in many different ways and contributes to the telling and unraveling of the story and characters.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Motivation is defined as a reason that explains or partially explains a character's thoughts, feelings, actions, or speech. Motivation comes in many varying forms such as from physical needs, wants, desires, dreams, values, and ideals. In the story, Oedipus is getting desperate to the point of using threats because he is motivated by the need to know the truth, to save his people from the plague.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The author of any given literary work makes a variety of choices concerning the setting of the story, the sequence of the plot, and the portrayal of characters. In the short story "The Devil and Tom Walker," the author, Washington Irving, sets the story in 19th century Northeastern America so as to establish a relatable atmosphere to his audience, puts the story in chronological order for fluidity and ease of reading, and introduces and develops the characters with direct characterization so as to give the audience a vivid description.

One of the clear choices in Irving's writing of "The Devil and Tom Walker" is the setting of the plot. The story is set in Northeastern America in the 19th century. To be specific, the protagonist Tom Walker lives in Boston, Massachussets. The writer selects this region and time period because he wants to make the short story relatable to his audience, who consists of Americans living in the 1800's. A member of this audience acclimates with this piece because he/she lives and breathes the life and times of the characters. One knows the lifestyle, geography, and culture in which the story refers, thus making it easier to comprehend. Having a group of readers with an understanding makes Irving's story more likely to be read, which is something any author would want. Therefore, it is by the author's intention that "The Devil and Tom Walker" is set in this location and time.

Another aspect of this short story is the sequence in which the events occur. The author places the story in chronological order because doing so creates an essence of fluidity. Having a plot that ensues in consecutive time designates that the happenings of the story occur in a contiguous manner that is followed logically. Readers will find it more facile to apprehend what is going on when "The Devil and Tom Walker" is written in an arrangement that best suits their logical way of thinking. Hence the reason as to why Washington Irving puts the narrative in a chronological order.

On top of that, the author displays the characters using direct characterization so that it provides the audience with detailed images of them. In the very beginning, Irving describes Tom Walker's wife. "Tom's wife was a tall termagant, fierce of temper, loud of tongue, and strong of arm." This example of direct characterization, where the author creates a portraiture of the Mrs. Walker by stating it upfront, is a way in which Irving attempts to paint a vivid image of the character in the reader's mind. This method allows such information to be communicated efficiently so that the audience does not have to make an effort to search for clues concerning the characters. Instead, Irving gives the readers the evidence straightforwardly.

It is by Washington Irving's design that his narrative, "The Devil and Tom Walker," uses the setting of the 19th century Northeast for reasons in suiting the audience, places the events in chronological order to make it logically accessible, and states direct characterizations of the personas of the story to allow the reader to imagine them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes an analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer focuses on many of the author’s choices to illustrate the effect those choices have on the readers. (“ On top of that, the author displays the characters using direct characterization so that it provides the audience with detailed images of them. In the very beginning, Irving describes Tom Walker's wife. ‘Tom's wife was a tall termagant, fierce of temper, loud of tongue, and strong of arm.’ This example of direct characterization, where the author creates a portraiture of the Mrs. Walker by stating it upfront, is a way in which Irving attempts to paint a vivid image of the character in the reader's mind. This method allows such information to be communicated efficiently so that the audience does not have to make an effort to search for clues concerning the characters. Instead, Irving gives the readers the evidence straightforwardly. ”)

The essay contains details that highlight specific information about plot, setting, characters, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ One of the clear choices in Irving's writing of ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is the setting of the plot. The story is set in Northeastern America in the 19th century. To be specific, the protagonist Tom Walker lives in Boston, Massachussets. The writer selects this region and time period because he wants to make the short story relatable to his audience, who consists of Americans living in the 1800's. A member of this audience acclimates with this piece because he/she lives and breathes the life and times of the characters. ”)

The writer focuses on the controlling idea by using details about some of the choices the author made to create an effective literary piece. (“ It is by Washington Irving's design that his narrative, ‘The Devil and Tom Walker,’ uses the setting of the 19th century Northeast for reasons in suiting the audience, places the events in chronological order to make it logically accessible, and states direct characterizations of the personas of the story to allow the reader to imagine them. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are supported with relevant evidence as well as literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“One of the clear choices in Irving's writing of ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is the setting of the plot. The story is set in Northeastern America in the 19th century. To be specific, the protagonist Tom Walker lives in Boston, Massachussets. The writer selects this region and time period because he wants to make the short story relatable to his audience, who consists of Americans living in the 1800's. A member of this audience acclimates with this piece because he/she lives and breathes the life and times of the characters.”)

The writer includes specific details, paraphrasing of dialogue, or direct quotes (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“On top of that, the author displays the characters using direct characterization so that it provides the audience with detailed images of them. In the very beginning, Irving describes Tom Walker's wife. ‘Tom's wife was a tall termagant, fierce of temper, loud of tongue, and strong of arm.’ This example of direct characterization, where the author creates a portraiture of the Mrs. Walker by stating it upfront, is a way in which Irving attempts to paint a vivid image of the character in the reader's mind. This method allows such information to be communicated efficiently so that the audience does not have to make an effort to search for clues concerning the characters. Instead, Irving gives the readers the evidence straightforwardly. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Another aspect of this short story is the sequence in which the events occur. The author places the story in chronological order because doing so creates an essence of fluidity. Having a plot that ensues in consecutive time designates that the happenings of the story occur in a contiguous manner that is followed logically. Readers will find it more facile to apprehend what is going on when ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is written in an arrangement that best suits their logical way of thinking. Hence the reason as to why Washington Irving puts the narrative in a chronological order. ”)

Organization

The writer provides good organization in the essay. The essay reveals a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer engages the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ The author of any given literary work makes a variety of choices concerning the setting of the story, the sequence of the plot, and the portrayal of characters. In the short story ‘The Devil and Tom Walker,’ the author, Washington Irving, sets the story in 19th century Northeastern America so as to establish a relatable atmosphere to his audience, puts the story in chronological order for fluidity and ease of reading, and introduces and develops the characters with direct characterization so as to give the audience a vivid description. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used well. (“ On top of that, the author displays the characters using direct characterization so that it provides the audience with detailed images of them. In the very beginning, Irving describes Tom Walker's wife. ‘Tom's wife was a tall termagant, fierce of temper, loud of tongue, and strong of arm.’ This example of direct characterization, where the author creates a portraiture of the Mrs. Walker by stating it upfront, is a way in which Irving attempts to paint a vivid image of the character in the reader's mind. ”)

The essay contains a conclusion that, although short, leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ It is by Washington Irving's design that his narrative, ‘The Devil and Tom Walker,’ uses the setting of the 19th century Northeast for reasons in suiting the audience, places the events in chronological order to make it logically accessible, and states direct characterizations of the personas of the story to allow the reader to imagine them. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good language use and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ One of the clear choices in Irving's writing of ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is the setting of the plot. The story is set in Northeastern America in the 19th century. To be specific, the protagonist Tom Walker lives in Boston, Massachussets. The writer selects this region and time period because he wants to make the short story relatable to his audience, who consists of Americans living in the 1800's. A member of this audience acclimates with this piece because he/she lives and breathes the life and times of the characters. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the response. (“ Another aspect of this short story is the sequence in which the events occur. The author places the story in chronological order because doing so creates an essence of fluidity. Having a plot that ensues in consecutive time designates that the happenings of the story occur in a contiguous manner that is followed logically. Readers will find it more facile to apprehend what is going on when ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is written in an arrangement that best suits their logical way of thinking. Hence the reason as to why Washington Irving puts the narrative in a chronological order. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling idea/thesis statement of the essay. (“ One knows the lifestyle, geography, and culture in which the story refers, thus making it easier to comprehend. Having a group of readers with an understanding makes Irving's story more likely to be read, which is something any author would want. Therefore, it is by the author's intention that ‘The Devil and Tom Walker’ is set in this location and time. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ This method allows such information to be communicated efficiently so that the audience does not have to make an effort to search for clues concerning the characters. Instead, Irving gives the readers the evidence straightforwardly. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The author of "The Raven" is Edgar Allan Poe. In the poem he utilized the characters, the setting, and how he used the theme. Poe worded things very uniquely and made the audience somehow feel involved. He wrote the lines as riddles. He made his audience think about what they were reading and why they were reading it as the story progressed. The things Poe did really well were telling details about the characters, giving a good description of the setting, and making a good theme to go with the story.

First, Poe wrote about the characters in a mysterious way that would still give enough information about them. The protagonist is the main character who never was named in the story. He was in his bed room when a sound came tapping. Not knowing what it was he went to go check. Later after he was cursed. The antagonist is the raven. The raven is a bird that came to the main characters house in the middle of the night. All the raven would say was "Nevermore." The raven would repeat that many times in the story. This gives the audience a sense that what the raven is saying is relevant to the story. There is a flat character in the story named Lenore. It doesn't give must detail about her. The way she is seen in the story is an angel who never changes. The overall point of view is first person to the main character.

Furthermore, the author, Poe, gives a good description of the setting. The setting is in a mansion. There are main conflicts in this story, but the main conflict is human vs. human. The main character is really battling with himself. He seems so unhappy and alone. In the story it seems to have the man battling with the raven, but in reality he is only battling with himself. Next, one word to describe the poem would be intense. Intense because in about the middle of the story, all kinds of crazy things are happening so fast and seem to be very vivid to the reader. The chronological structure works in this story because it lets the reader know everything that is happening when it is happening. A good thing Poe did in this story was put the element of suprise in every line.

Finally, the theme of the story was even when hard things like trials or "curses" come that are very hard to face, try and take that experience and make something positive from it. Remembering blowing up and acting foolish won't solve anything. Instead of trying to fix things, try and let the pieces fall where they may. Life has an old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." This shows how to turn something around from sour to sweet or in other words good to bad. The main character was faced with a curse by a raven and he decided to freak out. As his actions seemed to become extreme, his circumstances got worse. If the man would have stayed calm and let things happen on their own, the raven might have left. When freaking out, it can only make things worse for you. Remember stay calm in weird and tough situations.

Edgar Allan Poe did a fantastic job of involving the readers in all aspects of the story. He included theme, characters, and setting. Not only did Poe include this things he expanded from them and made them great. He didn't show the audience every fold of the story, but instead he show as little as he could to still get the point across. In this way, Poe made the story very mysterious and fun to read. There were so many good elements of the poem "Then Raven" that Poe really showed. The author made the readers think and use a lot of inference skills. "The Raven" is a very well written poem with great elements like theme, setting and characters.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer highlights some of Poe’s literary choices in “The Raven” and provides adequate details so the readers can understand how those choices influence the poem. (“Not only did Poe include this things he expanded from them and made them great. He didn't show the audience every fold of the story, but instead he show as little as he could to still get the point across. In this way, Poe made the story very mysterious and fun to read. There were so many good elements of the poem ‘Then Raven’ that Poe really showed.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. He/she consistently provides insight into some of the author’s choices. (“First, Poe wrote about the characters in a mysterious way that would still give enough information about them. The protagonist is the main character who never was named in the story. He was in his bed room when a sound came tapping. Not knowing what it was he went to go check. Later after he was cursed. The antagonist is the raven. The raven is a bird that came to the main characters house in the middle of the night. All the raven would say was ‘Nevermore.’ The raven would repeat that many times in the story. This gives the audience a sense that what the raven is saying is relevant to the story.”)

The writing style is generally appropriate for the audience; however, there is some use of slang that should be avoided to ensure the overall quality of the intended message. (“The main character was faced with a curse by a raven and he decided to freak out. As his actions seemed to become extreme, his circumstances got worse. If the man would have stayed calm and let things happen on their own, the raven might have left. When freaking out, it can only make things worse for you. Remember stay calm in weird and tough situations.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately by using some specific and relevant evidence, as well as literary elements or techniques, from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“First, Poe wrote about the characters in a mysterious way that would still give enough information about them. The protagonist is the main character who never was named in the story. He was in his bed room when a sound came tapping. Not knowing what it was he went to go check. Later after he was cursed. The antagonist is the raven. The raven is a bird that came to the main characters house in the middle of the night. All the raven would say was ‘Nevermore.’ The raven would repeat that many times in the story.”)

The writer should include quotations from the poem to help support his/her ideas. (“There is a flat character in the story named Lenore. It doesn't give must detail about her. The way she is seen in the story is an angel who never changes. The overall point of view is first person to the main character.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“Finally, the theme of the story was even when hard things like trials or ‘curses’ come that are very hard to face, try and take that experience and make something positive from it. Remembering blowing up and acting foolish won't solve anything. Instead of trying to fix things, try and let the pieces fall where they may. Life has an old saying, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ This shows how to turn something around from sour to sweet or in other words good to bad. The main character was faced with a curse by a raven and he decided to freak out. As his actions seemed to become extreme, his circumstances got worse. If the man would have stayed calm and let things happen on their own, the raven might have left.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate as well. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the response.

The writer provides insight about the author’s choices to engage the readers’ attention from the very beginning. (“ The author of ‘The Raven’ is Edgar Allan Poe. In the poem he utilized the characters, the setting, and how he used the theme. Poe worded things very uniquely and made the audience somehow feel involved. He wrote the lines as riddles. He made his audience think about what they were reading and why they were reading it as the story progressed. The things Poe did really well were telling details about the characters, giving a good description of the setting, and making a good theme to go with the story.”)

The writer employs transitions between sentences and paragraphs adequately. (“ Furthermore, the author, Poe, gives a good description of the setting. The setting is in a mansion. There are main conflicts in this story, but the main conflict is human vs. human. The main character is really battling with himself. He seems so unhappy and alone. In the story it seems to have the man battling with the raven, but in reality he is only battling with himself. Next, one word to describe the poem would be intense. Intense because in about the middle of the story, all kinds of crazy things are happening so fast and seem to be very vivid to the reader.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Edgar Allan Poe did a fantastic job of involving the readers in all aspects of the story. He included theme, characters, and setting. Not only did Poe include this things he expanded from them and made them great. He didn't show the audience every fold of the story, but instead he show as little as he could to still get the point across. In this way, Poe made the story very mysterious and fun to read. There were so many good elements of the poem ‘Then Raven’ that Poe really showed. The author made the readers think and use a lot of inference skills. ‘The Raven’ is a very well written poem with great elements like theme, setting and characters. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and style is adequate. Appropriate language and word choice with some awareness of audience and control of voice is evident. Additionally, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Finally, the theme of the story was even when hard things like trials or ‘curses’ come that are very hard to face, try and take that experience and make something positive from it. Remembering blowing up and acting foolish won't solve anything. Instead of trying to fix things, try and let the pieces fall where they may. Life has an old saying, ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.’ This shows how to turn something around from sour to sweet or in other words good to bad.”)

The writer maintains an adequate voice as he/she informs the readers about the significance of the author’s choices in a selected literary work. (“ The antagonist is the raven. The raven is a bird that came to the main characters house in the middle of the night. All the raven would say was ‘Nevermore.’ The raven would repeat that many times in the story. This gives the audience a sense that what the raven is saying is relevant to the story. There is a flat character in the story named Lenore. It doesn't give must detail about her. The way she is seen in the story is an angel who never changes. The overall point of view is first person to the main character. ”)

Use of word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ There are main conflicts in this story, but the main conflict is human vs. human. The main character is really battling with himself. He seems so unhappy and alone. In the story it seems to have the man battling with the raven, but in reality he is only battling with himself. Next, one word to describe the poem would be intense. Intense because in about the middle of the story, all kinds of crazy things are happening so fast and seem to be very vivid to the reader. The chronological structure works in this story because it lets the reader know everything that is happening when it is happening. A good thing Poe did in this story was put the element of suprise in every line.”)

The writer employs some informal language. Avoiding all slang and other forms of informal language would assist in creating a more meaningful response to the prompt task. (“The main character was faced with a curse by a raven and he decided to freak out. As his actions seemed to become extreme, his circumstances got worse. If the man would have stayed calm and let things happen on their own, the raven might have left. When freaking out, it can only make things worse for you. Remember stay calm in weird and tough situations.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated by line breaks, and spelling is checked. (“ He was in his bed room when a sound came tapping. Not knowing what it was he went to go check. Later after he was cursed. The antagonist is the raven.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Likes and Dislikes About A Christmas Memory

Everyone loves Christmas, but some people also love Christmas stories. Do you also love Christmas stories? The fiction story A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote is about a little boy's Christmas story with his family. There are the parts that I like am and dislike about the story. I like the way that the writer described the characters in details. I don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. I like how the writer used sensory details, and I don't like how the setting jumps around a lot.

First, the writer used the literary elements, simile and imagery to describe Buddy's old cousin. For example, "Her face is remarkable-unlike Lincoln's, craggy like that, and tinted by sun and wind." Imagery makes me imagine how the character does looks like, and simile would let me to be able to compare the characters and the object.

Second, I really don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. Everything in the story doesn't really make me excited. For example, "We eat out supper and discuss tomorrow," and "The door opens. Our hearts overturns," The first quote is about eating their supper and discuss things the next day. The second quote is when they were going to meet Mr. Haha, and they were nervous to see him. That was it, the author didn't add more details about it, and that is why it was boring for me.

For setting, the writer used the literary element, sensory details to describe the setting. For example, "We're almost there, can you smell it, Buddy?", Buddy and his cousin were going to find a Christmas tree, they smelled the pine-heavy air on their way. This literary element also made me smelled the pine-heavy air with the characters in the story.

Second, I really don't like how the writer changes the settings so fast that it doesn't really connects together. Every section tells a different story. For example, Buddy and Queenie finished tossing the final hull, then the story jumps to Buddy and Queenie went to buy the whisky from Mr. Haha. I really don't like how the setting jumps around a lot, because it is confuses me.

I like the way the writer described the characters in details. I don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. I like how the writer used sensory details, and I don't like how the setting jumps around a lot. Those are my likes and dislikes about the writer's writing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few vague connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“There are the parts that I like am and dislike about the story. I like the way that the writer described the characters in details. I don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. I like how the writer used sensory details, and I don't like how the setting jumps around a lot.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the author’s choices in the selected literary work, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the writer's lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“First, the writer used the literary elements, simile and imagery to describe Buddy's old cousin. For example, ‘Her face is remarkable-unlike Lincoln's, craggy like that, and tinted by sun and wind.’ Imagery makes me imagine how the character does looks like, and simile would let me to be able to compare the characters and the object.”)

The writer focuses on limited details regarding the specific choices the author made in the selected literary work. (“Second, I really don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. Everything in the story doesn't really make me excited. For example, ‘We eat out supper and discuss tomorrow,’ and ‘The door opens. Our hearts overturns,’ The first quote is about eating their supper and discuss things the next day. The second quote is when they were going to meet Mr. Haha, and they were nervous to see him. That was it, the author didn't add more details about it, and that is why it was boring for me.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using some specific and relevant evidence as well as literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay contains limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“First, the writer used the literary elements, simile and imagery to describe Buddy's old cousin. For example, ‘Her face is remarkable-unlike Lincoln's, craggy like that, and tinted by sun and wind.’ Imagery makes me imagine how the character does looks like, and simile would let me to be able to compare the characters and the object.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“For setting, the writer used the literary element, sensory details to describe the setting. For example, ‘We're almost there, can you smell it, Buddy?’, Buddy and his cousin were going to find a Christmas tree, they smelled the pine-heavy air on their way. This literary element also made me smelled the pine-heavy air with the characters in the story.”)

The writer does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Second, I really don't like how the writer changes the settings so fast that it doesn't really connects together. Every section tells a different story. For example, Buddy and Queenie finished tossing the final hull, then the story jumps to Buddy and Queenie went to buy the whisky from Mr. Haha. I really don't like how the setting jumps around a lot, because it is confuses me.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Everyone loves Christmas, but some people also love Christmas stories. Do you also love Christmas stories? The fiction story A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote is about a little boy's Christmas story with his family. There are the parts that I like am and dislike about the story. ”)

There is some use of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Second, I really don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. Everything in the story doesn't really make me excited. For example, ‘We eat out supper and discuss tomorrow,’ and "The door opens. Our hearts overturns, ‘The first quote is about eating their supper and discuss things the next day. ’") Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) helps the writer move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is short and repetitive. The writer briefly summarizes his/her main points and manages to provide the readers with a sense of closure. (“ I like the way the writer described the characters in details. I don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. I like how the writer used sensory details, and I don't like how the setting jumps around a lot. Those are my likes and dislikes about the writer's writing. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

There is repetition throughout the essay. The writer continually begins sentences the same way. For example, the use of “I like…I don’t like…” is glaringly repetitive and detracts from the effective communication of the intended message. (“ There are the parts that I like am and dislike about the story. I like the way that the writer described the characters in details. I don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. I like how the writer used sensory details, and I don't like how the setting jumps around a lot. ”)

Although the writer attempts to give an informative tone to the analysis of the literary selection, he/she does not maintain enough focus to assist the readers in understanding the impact of the author’s choices in the literary work. (“ Second, I really don't like how there is no action in the story for the characters. Everything in the story doesn't really make me excited. For example, ‘We eat out supper and discuss tomorrow,’ and ‘The door opens. Our hearts overturns,’ The first quote is about eating their supper and discuss things the next day. The second quote is when they were going to meet Mr. Haha, and they were nervous to see him. That was it… ”)

The structures of many of the sentences are weak. Additionally, the writer needs to use more sophisticated words. (“ Second, I really don't like how the writer changes the settings so fast that it doesn't really connects together. Every section tells a different story. For example, Buddy and Queenie finished tossing the final hull, then the story jumps to Buddy and Queenie went to buy the whisky from Mr. Haha. I really don't like how the setting jumps around a lot, because it is confuses me.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. He/she commits errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that may interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated with a line break, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ For setting, the writer used the literary element, sensory details to describe the setting. For example, ‘We're almost there, can you smell it, Buddy?’, Buddy and his cousin were going to find a Christmas tree, they smelled the pine-heavy air on their way. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Within this book, the choice of setting is wherever Chad Williams life took him. He grew up as a young skate boarder who had the potention to achieve many things. At this time, he lived in the city, which played a major role in the choices he made at a young age. This soon brought him to joing the Navy, where he traveled to many new places throughout his life. As the settings change throughout the story, so does the mood and characteristics of Chad Williams.

The use of flashbacks by the author are strongly used throughout his book. They not only develop the plot, but they allow you to imotionally feel and picture how the character, Chad, felt. "Seal of God" is basically one long flashback describing the authors life and of how he became who he is.

Throughout the events that take place in chad's life, he meets many new people. Some are major influences on him, wether good or bad, they play a role in how he became who he is. In one section of his book, he describes the experience of meeting up with an old friend Brent, from junior high. Soon realizing that they are signed up to train together to be in the Navy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the author’s choice of setting; however, due to weak details and a confusing sequence of ideas, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Within this book, the choice of setting is wherever Chad Williams life took him. He grew up as a young skate boarder who had the potention to achieve many things. At this time, he lived in the city, which played a major role in the choices he made at a young age. This soon brought him to joing the Navy, where he traveled to many new places throughout his life.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of the audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand his/her analysis of some of the author’s choices. (“ The use of flashbacks by the author are strongly used throughout his book. They not only develop the plot, but they allow you to imotionally feel and picture how the character, Chad, felt. ‘Seal of God’ is basically one long flashback describing the authors life and of how he became who he is. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain many of the choices the author made in the selected literary work. (“ Throughout the events that take place in chad's life, he meets many new people. Some are major influences on him, wether good or bad, they play a role in how he became who he is. In one section of his book, he describes the experience of meeting up with an old friend Brent, from junior high.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not include specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer attempts to address the use of flashbacks but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand that particular choice made by the author of the literary selection. (“The use of flashbacks by the author are strongly used throughout his book. They not only develop the plot, but they allow you to imotionally feel and picture how the character, Chad, felt. ‘Seal of God’ is basically one long flashback describing the authors life and of how he became who he is.”)

Details such as examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text, are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Throughout the events that take place in chad's life, he meets many new people. Some are major influences on him, wether good or bad, they play a role in how he became who he is.”)

The writer neglects to include adequate main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In one section of his book, he describes the experience of meeting up with an old friend Brent, from junior high. Soon realizing that they are signed up to train together to be in the Navy.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of effective paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Within this book, the choice of setting is wherever Chad Williams life took him.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that attempt to adequately analyze the specific choices made by the author of the literary work. In addition, transitions are not included between paragraphs or sentences to promote flow and sequence of ideas. (“The use of flashbacks by the author are strongly used throughout his book. They not only develop the plot, but they allow you to imotionally feel and picture how the character, Chad, felt. ‘Seal of God’ is basically one long flashback describing the authors life and of how he became who he is.”)

The essay does not contain a strong conclusion that summarizes the writer’s ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Throughout the events that take place in chad's life, he meets many new people. Some are major influences on him, wether good or bad, they play a role in how he became who he is. In one section of his book, he describes the experience of meeting up with an old friend Brent, from junior high. Soon realizing that they are signed up to train together to be in the Navy. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Some of the sentences are short and would benefit from additional descriptive words and phrases to maintain the readers’ interest. (“ As the settings change throughout the story, so does the mood and characteristics of Chad Williams. The use of flashbacks by the author are strongly used throughout his book. They not only develop the plot, but they allow you to imotionally feel and picture how the character, Chad, felt.”)

The writer attempts to use sentence variety. (“ Within this book, the choice of setting is wherever Chad Williams life took him. He grew up as a young skate boarder who had the potention to achieve many things. At this time, he lived in the city, which played a major role in the choices he made at a young age.”)

There are sentence fragments present in the essay. (“ Soon realizing that they are signed up to train together to be in the Navy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ He grew up as a young skate boarder who had the potention to achieve many things. At this time, he lived in the city, which played a major role in the choices he made at a young age. This soon brought him to joing the Navy, where he traveled to many new places throughout his life. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, she does a good job choicing the story setting. She also does well in how she sets the plot in the story. Kidd also does well developing the characters in the story, they feel like real people to me throughout the novel.

The novel is set in a small town in South Carolina.

set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay

everything happened in chronological order

very well developed characters, felt like they were real people. I think Sue Monk Kidd choices in this novel made it a success

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the selected text and makes few or no connections between the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The essay does not reveal an effective central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what literary choices the writer is attempting to highlight. The response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“In Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, she does a good job choicing the story setting. She also does well in how she sets the plot in the story. Kidd also does well developing the characters in the story, they feel like real people to me throughout the novel.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The novel is set in a small town in South Carolina. set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers with many questions. (“everything happened in chronological order very well developed characters, felt like they were real people. I think Sue Monk Kidd choices in this novel made it a success”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the selected text to support an analysis of the choices made by the author of the literary work.

The writer does not include specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer attempts to address some of the author’s choices but does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“The novel is set in a small town in South Carolina. set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay everything happened in chronological order very well developed characters, felt like they were real people.”)

Details such as examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“She also does well in how she sets the plot in the story. Kidd also does well developing the characters in the story, they feel like real people to me throughout the novel.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“very well developed characters, felt like they were real people. I think Sue Monk Kidd choices in this novel made it a success”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no effective introduction and a weak conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd, she does a good job choicing the story setting.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay everything happened in chronological order very well developed characters, felt like they were real people. I think Sue Monk Kidd choices in this novel made it a success”) Using transitional devices (next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ I think Sue Monk Kidd choices in this novel made it a success”)

Language Use & Style

Sentences are short and choppy. Adding more descriptive details would enhance the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ The novel is set in a small town in South Carolina.”)

everything happened in chronological ordervery well developed characters, felt like they were real people.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“set in South Carolina but even if you forget state you know it's in the south so it's okay everything happened in chronological order very well developed characters, felt like they were real people.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Analysis of a Prose Passage: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Read the prose passage carefully. Then write an essay in which you describe the attitude of the narrator toward nature. Making specific references to the text, show how the author uses figurative language and comparison and contrast to convey this attitude.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ralph Waldo Emerson, a transcendentalist and romantic, is best known for his literary prowess in writing about nature. The romantics stressed man being in nature physically, and the transcendentalists, especially, stressed man being tied to nature spiritually. In this piece, Emerson shows the tranquility of man in nature and conveys the divine mind set of a being in nature. The author takes a godlike, spiritual attitude toward nature by using comparison and contrast and figurative language.

Emerson uses comparison and contrast to get his message across, reflecting his spiritual attitude towards nature. When Emerson states that he is not by himself when he reads and writes, he stipulates "nobody is with me." He is saying that he is communicating with those who have written or his (future) readers although he is alone. Also, Emerson speaks of "a kindred [similar] impression, when the mind is open to their influence." How many people (and how often) do people truly experience nature so that a sense of great reverence is felt? In this statement, Emerson entails a comparison of the Age of Reason in America to the Romantic period. The narrator opposed writers of the Age of Reason because their mind set was so closed to a spiritual nature, and they sought to find a logical answer to all occurrences, not using the knowledgeable outdoor experience. But, in this statement, Emerson explains that if people would be more open minded and not seek an explanation to everything, they would experience a divine and spiritual nature. Another example of the author's attitude towards nature is seen in the statement, "Nature never wears a mean appearance...." This is a recurring idea in Emerson's work, that nothing which is natural can be ugly or terrible or anything else negative, unless it is disconnected with "Spirit." Again, the narrator sharply contrasts science with religion. Emerson also talks about "different states of the mind." Here the bond between a person's mind and emotions and nature is again highlighted.

Emerson also employs figurative language such as paradox and the metaphor to convey his divine attitude towards nature. The narrator explains that, while "Crossing a bare common [park or grassy square], in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded sky," he had no thoughts any occurrence of special good fortune. Literally, the commons are the shared open land at the center of New England villages, called that because it presumably belongs to all. Metaphorically, he could also be referring to a universal and common experience, or being at the heart of society. This experience cannot be anticipated or prepared for. It just happens, unexpectedly and not necessarily in a "beautiful" place. The author also uses the paradox effectively when he says "I am glad to the brink of fear." This is an incredible statement. Why does he use the words "glad" and "brink?" What is he in danger of losing here? Some critics consider this passage to be one of Emerson's greatest insights. Full communion with nature is unexpected, momentary, enlightening yet indescribable, and risky, endangering one's sense of identity. The narrator also uses an amazing metaphor to describe his attitude towards nature. He states: "I become a transparent eyeball...I see all...the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me...I am part or parcel of God." Emerson is trying to put into words an inexpressible mystical union with the universe/Spirit which he feels, losing his individual identity in this momentary sense of wholeness when he is "transparent" and an "eye ball" which represents a perfect sphere and perfect unity. Another example of the narrator’s attitude is proclaimed in this comment: "Man beholds somewhat as beautifully as his own nature." This statement seems limiting, contradicting the experience of transcendence he has just described. Surely there is something beheld which goes beyond our own human limits? On the other hand, Emerson identifies Spirit as the essence of both mind and nature. However, he is acknowledging here the idea that the knowing of reality is essentially a subjective experience, not objective, and one which we cannot exactly share with any one else, unless they can recognize it in their own subjective experience. Emerson uses imagery of natural occurrences to convey his spiritual attitude towards nature. "The flowers, the animals, the mountains, reflected the wisdom of his best hour, as much as they had delighted the simplicity of his childhood" states the narrator. This nature imagery enforces Emerson's spiritual attitude towards nature by representing and comparing the man’s interaction with nature with that of the child. The narrator explains that just as nature enlightens the simple boy spiritually, it also affects the deepest part of a grown man's life.

As a whole, Emerson believed a man could find himself spiritually in nature and, therefore, has a divine and godlike attitude towards nature. By employing imagery, Emerson sought to bring the reader into his spiritual world of nature and bypass the obstacle of reason. His paradoxes provide an insight into Emerson's witty writing, and his use of the transparent eyeball as a metaphor exclusively conveys a beautiful and serene view of the beautiful, natural world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response exceptionally communicates the writer’s central idea (“In this piece, Emerson shows the tranquility of man in nature and conveys the divine mind set of a being in nature. The author takes a godlike, spiritual attitude toward nature by using comparison and contrast and figurative language.”) by developing an in-depth analysis of the text. This essay makes incredibly insightful connections between the task and the literary text.

Content & Development

In this response, the writer develops ideas fully and artfully using a wide variety of clearly developed and accurate supporting evidence. (“Also, Emerson speaks of ‘a kindred [similar] impression, when the mind is open to their influence.’ How many people (and how often) do people truly experience nature so that a sense of great reverence is felt? In this statement, Emerson entails a comparison of the Age of Reason in America to the Romantic period. The narrator opposed writers of the Age of Reason because their mind set was so closed to a spiritual nature, and they sought to find a logical answer to all occurrences, not using the knowledgeable outdoor experience.”)

Organization

This writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure. The response begins with an engaging introduction (“Ralph Waldo Emerson, a transcendentalist and romantic, is best known for his literary prowess in writing about nature”) and ends with a very effective conclusion (“By employing imagery, Emerson sought to bring the reader into his spiritual world of nature and bypass the obstacle of reason”). Body paragraphs are well-structured and flow smoothly.

Language Use & Style

This writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice (“tranquility,” “enlightening,” and “employing”), a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well-structured and exhibit variety. (“Literally, the commons are the shared open land at the center of New England villages, called that because it presumably belongs to all. Metaphorically, he could also be referring to a universal and common experience, or being at the heart of society? This experience cannot be anticipated or prepared for.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The student demonstrates very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected. (“Ralph Waldo Emerson, a transcendentalist and romantic, is best known for his literary prowess in writing about nature.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout the history of the world, people have seen nature as either a wondrous event or as something that you just put up with. Ralph Waldo Emerson is one of the former. Emerson is a man who views nature in the most religious of ways and his prose passage "from Nature" easily conveys this idea using figurative language and the technique of comparison and contrast.

Emerson conveys his love of nature with the use of three different forms of figurative language, the first being personification. In the line "Nature says, - he is my creature, and maugre all his impertinent griefs, he shall be gald with me," Emerson shows nature as a understanding being, shows something not alive as living. In this, he gives nature the power over man, so as to say that nature is a god or greater being then all of man. Nature calls Emerson as her child in a way that a child will always look up to and follow its parents.

In the following line, Emerson shows himself as an undeniable part of something that is so wholesome and grand that it is impossible to deny it, all with the use of personification. "I am the lover of uncontained and immoral beauty." The way Emerson describes nature here is the same as the way a devote person would speak of their own faith. Although nature is in no way capable of being anything’s lover, Emerson casts himself in a role that brings a clear and steady image of his own views of the subject to the readers mind.

In the passage, Emerson describes his feelings as he walks through the woods in the middle of winter. "...a man casts off his years, as the snake his slough..." This line shows the use of simile, as Emerson describes the feelings of years falling off of him just the same as the snake loses its dead skin as he walks through the woods, the form of nature he refers to as the "plantations of God." Which is just another way Emerson compares what he feels for nature to religion.

As Emerson speaks of his experience of walking through the woods, he goes on to relate himself to God, in saying, "...The currents of The Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or parcel of God." His use of metaphor here shows how he relates being in nature as being something of a religious experience. Most who have intense experiences with religion or are extremely devote describe the feeling of being a part of something that is beyond explanation or is to divine to relate in words, which is how Emerson describes his contact with nature.

As Emerson relates his tale, he concludes that he is "a transparent eyeball; [he] is nothing; [he] sees all." The use of metaphor is again apparent, but Emerson also uses the technique of comparison and contrast

to set down his meaning. By calling himself nothing, but yet saying that he sees all, he is relating himself to the feeling of being a part of something too divine to explain, but something to vast to ignore. Also, Emerson says that he is "glad to the brink of fear." Again, the use of comparison and contrasting elements, here being the feelings of happiness and fear, show the same devote need as the most religious follower.

Ralph Waldo Emerson uses the techniques of figurative language and comparison and contrast to show his near religious feelings toward nature. With the uses of personification, metaphor, and simile, Emerson relates a relationship with something most are unable to grasp with surprisingly clear pictures. As he believes, "Nature always wears the colors of the spirit."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary techniques through a controlling or central idea (“Emerson is a man

who views nature in the most religious of ways and his prose passage ‘from Nature’ easily conveys this idea using figurative language and the technique of comparison and contrast”).

Content & Development

This writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific quotes from the text and accurate evidence of the literary techniques used to explain the writer’s attitude towards nature (“Ralph Waldo

Emerson uses the techniques of figurative language and comparison and contrast to show his near religious feelings toward nature”). Furthermore, the writer provides five paragraphs worth of content with a number of relevant examples.

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion; the supporting body paragraphs are consistently organized around the writer’s key points. In addition, transitional devices are used throughout the essay in an effective manner. (“In the following line, Emerson shows himself as an undeniable part of something that is so wholesome and grand that it is impossible to deny it, all with the use of personification.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates mostly appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in several instances, the writer does select the wrong form of the word “devout,” such as when the author writes, “the same as the way a devote person would speak.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Generally, this response shows good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“Nature says, - he is my creature, and maugre all his

impertinent griefs, he shall be gald with me”) that do not interfere with the message can be detected.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The narrator of “from Nature” has a feeling of deep respect for nature. His attitude is one of appreciation and childlike wonder. Several times, he uses figurative language to compare his feelings to that of a younger person. He makes it seem as if nature brings out a childlike response from a person, making them revert to a happy, carefree curious youth.

“Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles, at twilight, under a clouded sky, without having in my thoughts any occurrence of special good fortune, I have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration.” The narrator feels that nature is a wonderful thing that should be appreciated by all. It has a magical quality of bringing perfection and “oneness with the universe” to a person’s life. The narrator makes it seem as though nature brings out the child in a person.

“Nature never wears a mean appearance. (They) reflected the wisdom of (the wise man’s) best hour, as much as they had delighted the simplicity of his childhood.” Nature brings out the same wonder in a person, even after years of experience and understanding. “The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and the heart of the child.” It is a wondrous and amazing thing to behold.

“In the woods…at what period soever of life, (a man) is always a child. In the woods is perpetual youth.” Nature exposes the young and innocent part of man, the youthful and curious part. “The lover of nature is he…who has retained the spirit of infancy even into the era of manhood.” Nature is a wonderful thing to behold and should not be taken for granted.

Comparing the viewers of nature to children and youths make them seem more innocent and in touch with the world around them. It is a peaceful comparison that makes the world-hardened man seem like a child. Such a peace is not common in this world, and should be appreciated.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay establishes a basic analysis of the text (“Nature exposes the young and innocent part of man, the youthful and curious part”) and makes connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary techniques through a controlling or central idea. There is also a clear thesis statement included at the end of the introduction: “He makes it seem as if nature brings out a childlike response from a person, making them revert to a happy, carefree curious youth.”

Content & Development

This response develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence taken from the passage to support the writer’s thesis. The writer also makes reference to Emerson’s use of figurative language (“Several times, he uses figurative language to compare his feelings to that of a younger person”).

Organization

The writer has created a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and thought-provoking conclusion (“Such a peace is not common in this world, and should be appreciated”). Notice how the writer introduces many of the body paragraphs with a reference from the passage that is then discussed. While this is an interesting technique, there is an overall lack of transition throughout the response.

Language Use & Style

Generally, the writer demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also demonstrates variety in sentence structure and length. (“The narrator of ‘from Nature’ has a feeling of deep respect for nature. His attitude is one of appreciation and childlike wonder. Several times, he uses figurative language to compare his feelings to that of a younger person. He makes it seem as if nature brings out a childlike response from a person, making them revert to a happy, carefree curious youth.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. While some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“making them revert to a happy, carefree curious youth”), and spelling are apparent, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The narrator, Ralph Waldo Emerson, has positive views on nature. Emerson also uses figurative language to portray his views on nature, while explaining how nature changes everything in life.The narrator explains that a person has to appreciate nature and everything it has to give. He expresses his feelings about nature reflecting all of the good qualities in a man. Children can see nature better than any adult. Children appreciate the grass, air, blue skies, and soak up the sun. The sun captures every important aspect in a child''s life, while an adult sees right through the sun. He uses figurative language explaining how food is being in touch with heaven and earth, which is all of nature.

Although a man may have troubles, nature opens him up andsends happiness. Every aspect of weather changes the state of mind in a person. From the nicest weather at noon to the gloomy weather at midnight. Emerson explains, "In good health, the air is a cordial of incredible virtue."

Emerson conveys how nature has had an impact on his childhood, as well as his life. There is nothing that nature could not cure, everything mean and evil banishes, and anything is possible. Nature differs greatly to society. The land of naturehas a greater effect on the narrator than the streets and villages of society.

Nature has a more powerful meaning than society. Nature isn’t man-made like

the streets of society, so you can find peacefulness in it.

To see all of the positive outlooks on nature, you must be one with it. Nature doesn’t make you feel the way the narrator does on its own. Nature is always there; you just have to be there ready and willing for everything it throws at you.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay establishes a basic analysis of the text (“Emerson also uses figurative language to portray his views on nature, while explaining how nature changes everything in life”) and makes a few, limited connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary techniques through a controlling or central idea. However, the writer’s ideas often appear scattered and unfocused. (“The narrator, Ralph Waldo Emerson, has positive views on nature. Emerson also uses figurative language to portray his views on nature, while explaining how nature changes everything in life.The narrator explains that a person has to appreciate nature and everything it has to give. He expresses his feelings about nature reflecting all of the good qualities in a man. Children can see nature better than any adult. Children appreciate the grass, air, blue skies, and soak up the sun. The sun captures every important aspect in a child''s life, while an adult sees right through the sun. He uses figurative language explaining how food is being in touch with heaven and earth, which is all of nature.”)

Content & Development

The author uses details from the passage briefly and inconsistently to support the main thesis. While a brief reference is made to the use of literary techniques, little additional development is present. There are few examples provided, as well as few quotes included from the text. One paragraph does not have any evidence from the text itself. (“Emerson conveys how nature has had an impact on his childhood, as well as his life. There is nothing that nature could not cure, everything mean and evil banishes, and anything is possible. Nature differs greatly to society. The land of naturehas a greater effect on the narrator than the streets and villages of society. Nature has a more powerful meaning than society. Nature isn’t man-made like the streets of society, so you can find peacefulness in it.”)

Organization

This essay contains some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; the body paragraphs lack a focus on key ideas, though, and the use of transitional devices is not consistent. The conclusion does not effectively summarize the ideas presented in the essay. (“To see all of the positive outlooks on nature, you must be one with it. Nature doesn’t make you feel the way the narrator does on its own. Nature is always there; you just have to be there ready and willing for everything it throws at you.”)

Language Use & Style

The language in this response tends to be simple, showing some awareness of the audience and control of voice. Occasional errors in sentence structure (“There is nothing that nature could not cure, everything mean and evil banishes, and anything is possible”) ought to be corrected by the writer. Furthermore, word choice is often poor, with the word “society” repeated several times in the following paragraph: “Nature differs greatly to society. The land of naturehas a greater effect on the narrator than the streets and villages of society. Nature has a more powerful meaning than society. Nature isn’t man-made like the streets of society, so you can find peacefulness in it.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates limited control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“child''s”), and spelling appear that may interfere with the communication of the message. (“From the nicest weather at noon to the gloomy weather at midnight.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

After read "from Nauture" by Ralph Waldo Emerson one could come up with the conclusionthat Mr. Emerson enjoys nautre a great deal. You can come up with this by reading what hehas wrote and undestanding that he is talking about the beauty of nature.

In Emerson''s passage he talks about how most people don''t appereciate nature because they don''t understand the beauty of nature is more than just trees, flowers, sun, ect. they see things surperficial. Emerson right " To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature. Most persons do not see the sun. At least they have a very superficail seeing. The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and heart of a child. The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are one still truly adjusted to each other, who has retained thespirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercource with heaven and earth becomes part of his daily food". Emerson talks about how nature is wild and can run threw a persons heart with happyness even if there down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes an incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The author does state an opinion of the passage but fails to complete the analytic task assigned. (“After read "from Nauture" by Ralph Waldo Emerson one could come up with the conclusionthat Mr. Emerson enjoys nautre a great deal. You can come up with this by reading what hehas wrote and undestanding that he is talking about the beauty of nature.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately. While the writer does make reference to the text, there is no specific reference to the use of literary elements. There is only one main point stated, with little evidence from the text. (“In Emerson''s passage he talks about how most people don''t appereciate nature because they don''t understand the beauty of nature is more than just trees, flowers, sun, ect. they see things surperficial. Emerson right " To speak truly, few adult persons can see nature. Most persons do not see the sun. At least they have a very superficail seeing. The sun illuminates only the eye of the man, but shines into the eye and heart of a child. The lover of nature is he whose inward and outward senses are one still truly adjusted to each other, who has retained thespirit of infancy even into the era of manhood. His intercource with heaven and earth becomes part of his daily food". Emerson talks about how nature is wild and can run threw a persons heart with happyness even if there down.”

Organization

While the writer attempts to organize this essay with more than one paragraph, the introduction is poorly developed (“After read ‘from Nauture’ by Ralph Waldo Emerson one could come up with the conclusionthat Mr. Emerson enjoys nautre a great deal. You can come up with this by reading what hehas wrote and undestanding that he is talking about the beauty of nature”), and there is no clear conclusion paragraph. Transitional devices between sentences and paragraphs are rarely used.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is generally simple. The writer shows poor word choice and makes basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage (“can run threw a persons heart”). There are many awkward-sounding sentences in the essay. (“His intercource with heaven and earth becomes part of his daily food’. Emerson talks about how nature is wild and can run threw a persons heart with happyness even if there down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer is able to maintain only minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics (“After read ‘from Nauture’ by Ralph Waldo Emerson one could come up with the conclusionthat Mr. Emerson enjoys nature a great deal”), punctuation, and spelling (“superficail”) are present, and substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is a story is about nature it is a good little story.

Nature never wears a mean appearance. Neither does the wisest man extort her secret. The sun shines into the eye and the heart of the child. The setting of nature that fits equally well a comic or mourning piece the air is a cordial of incredible virtue. Crossing a bare common in snow puddles at twilight under a clouded sky.

The althea was a good admirer of anther from a nits summer ran to a frost that is just waking up as the sun rises from the twilight hours to the beards and the beesthe Arthur is a child when it commas to anther like thissenates. In the woods too a man casts off his years as the snake hi sloughs and at what period server of

life is away a child

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The author does not, for instance, address the use of figurative language. (“This is a story is about nature it is a good little story.”)

Content & Development

This writer is unable to establish and support a central idea with supporting details or meaningful references to the text. The content in this essay is often incoherent and makes little sense. It appears that the writer merely wrote sentences regarding what was happening in the text rather than analyzing the text and making valid points with supporting evidence. (“Nature never wears a mean appearance. Neither does the wisest man extort her secret. The sun shines into the eye and the heart of the child. The setting of nature that fits equally well a comic or mourning piece the air is a cordial of incredible virtue. Crossing a bare common in snow puddles at twilight under a clouded sky.”)

Organization

While this essay is divided into three paragraphs, there is no logical organization to the paragraphs that enhances the meaning of the response. There is no meaningful introduction, other than the run-on sentence, “This is a story is about nature it is a good little story,” or conclusion. (“The althea was a good admirer of anther from a nits summer ran to a frost that is just waking up as the sun rises from the twilight hours to the beards and the beesthe Arthur is a child when it commas to anther like thissenates. In the woods too a man casts off his years as the snake hi sloughs and at what period server of life is away a child”)

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is both unclear and often incoherent. Sentence structure is extremely poor, and several run-on sentences make understanding the writer’s central idea particularly difficult (“The althea was a good admirer of anther from a nits summer ran to a frost that is just waking up as the sun rises from the twilight hours to the beards and the beesthe Arthur is a child when it commas to anther like thissenates”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates an inadequate control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Frequent errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“thissenates”) significantly hinder the communication of the message. (“In the woods too a man casts off his years as the snake hi sloughs and at what period server of life is away a child”)

Analysis of Housman’s “When I was one-and-twenty…”

Read the poem "When I was one-and-twenty..." by the Victorian poet A.E. Housman. How and why does the writer change his way of thinking from the beginning of the poem to the end of the poem? How do the tone and rhythm of the poem reflect his change in attitude?

In a detailed essay, analyze the meaning of "When I was one-and-twenty..." by A.E. Housman by specifically comparing how and why the writer's attitude changed from age 21 to age 22. Take the tone and rhythm of the poem into consideration and remember to cite lines from the poem to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

During one's maturation, one receives an abundance of advice from peers and elders, but whether one takes the advice or learns from their actions is a sign of genuine maturity and growth. In the poem, "When I was one-and-twenty ", the poet, A.E. Housman, demonstrates this evolution of maturity through the speaker's dramatic monologue that reflects on past advice of a wise man and actions taken by the speaker. Housman utilizes various literary devices to represent the narrator's maturation from a naïve, arrogant twenty-one year old to an understanding, humble twenty-two year old.

In the first stanza, Housman employs a disjointed rhyme scheme, unique meter pattern and symbolism to demonstrate the narrator's initial immaturity at the age of twenty-one through the stanza's childish tone. In the first stanza of the poem, the narrator recounts the advice of a wise man who told him that insignificance of material goods in comparison to genuine love and the young adult's dismissal of the intelligent recommendation. Firstly, the stanza's rhyme scheme helps develop the poem's immature tone through its inconsistency and disorder. This stanza upholds a varying rhyme scheme that follows an 'A-B-C-B-C-D-A-D' pattern while utilizing both slant and exact rhyme. The poem also utilizes internal slant rhyme of "crowns" and "pounds" in line 3 that reflects the mocking, arrogant tone of the speaker (Housman). This varying pattern presents an immature tone through its similarities to a disjointed mind of an adolescent that represents the speaker's naïve, yet conceited standpoint on life. Secondly, Housman employs a unique meter pattern to represent the speaker's immaturity through its musicality and lightness derived from the pattern. The first stanza incorporates both iambic tetrameter and trimeter in order to give the poem a song-like flow and utilizes a feminine ending on the odd tetrameter lines, in which the last syllable of the line drops. The iambic meter emphasizes the song-like qualities and immature tone of the poem, which makes the poem more relatable to a child's nursery rhyme than a serious poem. Lastly, in the first stanza, Housman uses symbolism to portray a deeper meaning of the poem and portray a mocking tone. The wise man advises giving "crowns and pounds and guineas" away rather than the narrator's heart (Housman). Through the representation of material goods through the currency image, and the symbol of genuine love though the heart, the wise man suggests that young people are more fortunate to experience the sorrow of the loss of material goods, than the heartbreak due to young, jaded love. The speaker's dismissal of the advice shown through the line, "No use to talk to me", shows the immature and conceited attitude of the young adult that reflects the tone of the work. Therefore, the use of rhyme scheme, meter and symbolism throughout the poem demonstrates the immaturity of the speaker through his naivety and arrogance.

Housman utilizes similar literary devices of rhyme scheme, metrics and symbolism to represent the narrator's maturation due to his stark realization through serious tone. In the second stanza, the narrator reiterates the wise man's advice at the age of twenty-two, and realizes the validity of the man's guidance. Firstly, the second stanza uses an alternate rhyme scheme in comparison to the first stanza that reflects a more serious tone. The elevated rhyme scheme of the second stanza, 'A-B-C-B-A-D-A' creates a somber tone as its structure lacks the playful internal and slant rhymes. Secondly, the poem upholds the metrics from the first stanza, but the meter now portrays a meditative and sorrowful tone rather than playful and mocking. The words emphasized due to the meter, "never", "vain" and "rue" changed the tone in the aforementioned manner, reflecting the sorrowful maturation of the speaker. Finally, Housman uses symbolism in the final paragraph to portray a melancholic yet mature tone. The wise man describes the heart as something of value; it is paid for in "sighs" and 'endless rue" (Housman). The sorrow symbolized in the advice echoes a more somber tone than the playful advice given to the narrator at age twenty-one, and therefore shows the maturation of the speaker. The speaker concludes his reflection with his humble realization, "'tis true, 'tis true", showing that the boy has matured by learning to accept advice from those who previously experienced similar events. Hence, through rhyme schemes, metrics and symbolism, Housman portrays the maturation of the speaker from childhood to adulthood as progressed by the changing tone of the poem.

Irrefutably, in the ballad, "When I was one-and-twenty, Housman utilizes varying literary devices to demonstrate the development of the speaker from a naïve, arrogant, twenty-one-year-old to an understanding, humble twenty-two-year-old. The lesson taken from this poem is one that is applicable to everyone; consider the advice of others.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective use of focus and meaning is provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer elegantly describes some of the more poignant moments of the character’s growth in the ballad with clear and descriptive details that relate to the tone and rhyme scheme of the poem. (“ The elevated rhyme scheme of the second stanza, 'A-B-C-B-A-D-A' creates a somber tone as its structure lacks the playful internal and slant rhymes. ”)

The response clearly focuses on the question of how and why the writer’s attitude changed from age 21 to 22. (“Hence, through rhyme schemes, metrics and symbolism, Housman portrays the maturation of the speaker from childhood to adulthood as progressed by the changing tone of the poem.”)

The sophisticated language of the thesis fits the insightful examples effectively. (“ Housman utilizes various literary devices to represent the narrator's maturation from a naïve, arrogant twenty-one year old to an understanding, humble twenty-two year old.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of innocence and experience in the poem, including specific information about the author’s use of symbolism in connection to the protagonist. (“ The wise man advises giving ‘crowns and pounds and guineas’ away rather than the narrator's heart (Housman). Through the representation of material goods through the currency image, and the symbol of genuine love though the heart, the wise man suggests that young people are more fortunate to experience the sorrow of the loss of material goods, than the heartbreak due to young, jaded love. ”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the poem’s plot that connects the essay question to the text. (“ In the first stanza of the poem, the narrator recounts the advice of a wise man who told him that insignificance of material goods in comparison to genuine love and the young adult's dismissal of the intelligent recommendation. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the author’s use of poetic devices. (“… but the meter now portrays a meditative and sorrowful tone rather than playful and mocking. The words emphasized due to the meter, ‘never’, ‘vain’ and ‘rue’ changed the tone in the aforementioned manner, reflecting the sorrowful maturation of the speaker. ”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure, with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, is demonstrated. There is also effective use of transitional devices throughout the essay.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the theme that maturity is gained only as one reflects on the exploits of youth with the experience provided by age. (“ During one's maturation, one receives an abundance of advice from peers and elders, but whether one takes the advice or learns from their actions is a sign of genuine maturity and growth.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Irrefutably, in the ballad, ‘When I was one-and-twenty, Housman utilizes varying literary devices to demonstrate the development of the speaker from a naïve, arrogant, twenty-one-year-old to an understanding, humble twenty-two-year-old. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Irrefutably, in the ballad, ‘When I was one-and-twenty, Housman utilizes varying literary devices to demonstrate the development of the speaker from a naïve, arrogant, twenty-one-year-old to an understanding, humble twenty-two-year-old. The lesson taken from this poem is one that is applicable to everyone; consider the advice of others.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more nuanced literary techniques found in A.E. Housman’s poem. (“ Secondly, Housman employs a unique meter pattern to represent the speaker's immaturity through its musicality and lightness derived from the pattern. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the evolution of the character’s maturity for the readers so that by the end of the poem, they understand the change in character from age 21 to 22, and the realization of the value of the advice that was given. (“… the poet, A.E. Housman, demonstrates this evolution of maturity through the speaker's dramatic monologue that reflects on past advice of a wise man and actions taken by the speaker. ”)

The writer uses sophisticated word choice and descriptive details, which add to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ The sorrow symbolized in the advice echoes a more somber tone than the playful advice given to the narrator at age twenty-one, and therefore shows the maturation of the speaker. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The elevated rhyme scheme of the second stanza, 'A-B-C-B-A-D-A' creates a somber tone as its structure lacks the playful internal and slant rhymes. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

While time is in constant flux of change, so is the individual experiencing it. Not only does time change attitude and emotion, but it changes the way a human being looks at the world. "When I was one-and-twenty..." by A.E. Housman, a Victorian poet, establishes and emphasizes this metamorphosis and demeanor re-positioning. Housman uses his tone and rhythm to resourcefully expand the meaning of his poem about a youth's unwillingness to listen to a voice of experience. Although an obvious interpretation would simply state that Housman "grew older and wiser," this villanelle utilizes a mature tone and modification of rhythm to compose an augmented meaning.

Housman's frame of mind alters throughout the poem because he has motivation to change. However, to the reader, the time between age twenty-one and twenty-two is omitted to leave the reader with a persistent question. Age progression and maturity is detected through the quote "And I am two-and twenty, and oh, 'tis true, 'tis true" (Housman). This advances the complexity and neglect of Housman's life during the age of twenty-one. Individuals do not change without reason, so the reader is told indirectly of a tragedy or mentality connected to change.

As advancement through the poem begins somewhat child-like, Housman uses his second stanza to change rhythms and also hint to the distortion of his attitude (Housman). Diversification of tone and rhythm invites the reader to observe deeply in Housman's change of attitude over time. In the first stanza, Housman uses a specific iambic trimeter rhythm and ABAB rhyme scheme, closely related to that found in nursery rhymes. However, the second stanza suggests a more freeform and abstract rhythm (Housman). This conveys how Housman uses the conception that children write in rhyme in comparison to an adult's more sophisticated form. While Housman admits of his inner child in the quote "But I was one-and-twenty, no use to talk to me," he does not change his tone in the beginning stanza (Housman). Tone and rhythm are an indicator to the meaning of the poem and emphasize it with aesthetic uses that appeal to the reader.

Furthermore, the attitude of the author is pointed out further by the use of diction between the first and second stanzas. Housman utilizes alternative diction to further enunciate the change between ages twenty-one and twenty-two. Giving a hint of wisdom by saying "Give pearls away and rubies but keep your fancy free" is asymmetrically expressed in the second stanza, by saying "The heart out of the bosom was never given in vain" (Housman). Although this is told to us from a "wise man," detection of an attitude adjustment and diction differentiation accentuates the author's change of heart (Housman). Speaking from a pure literary standpoint, the reader may not take into account the near mockery of the way a child would write. Refined and educated writing is not generally associated with rhyming because any poet can achieve that, but Housman uses this to refine his writing, and in turn, reflect the maturity gained by the speaker over time.

Essentially, Housman uses exceptional differentiation of rhythm, tone, and diction to augment his poem with a refined and elegant meaning. Contrast of the first and second stanza allows for Housman to transfer his message more clearly, but uses underlying sophistication to achieve this feat. Time changes even the best of people, and this message is recognized powerfully by Housman's literary seperation of tone and cadency.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the rhythm, tone, and diction of A.E. Housman’s poem. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Essentially, Housman uses exceptional differentiation of rhythm, tone, and diction to augment his poem with a refined and elegant meaning.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the character, tone, diction, and rhyme that connect the essay question to the text. (“Speaking from a pure literary standpoint, the reader may not take into account the near mockery of the way a child would write. Refined and educated writing is not generally associated with rhyming because any poet can achieve that, but Housman uses this to refine his writing, and in turn, reflect the maturity gained by the speaker over time. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about a youth’s rejection of well-meant advice. (“ Housman uses his tone and rhythm to resourcefully expand the meaning of his poem about a youth's unwillingness to listen to a voice of experience.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development to connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the poem to support the thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Housman utilizes alternative diction to further enunciate the change between ages twenty-one and twenty-two.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“ Housman uses his tone and rhythm to resourcefully expand the meaning of his poem about a youth's unwillingness to listen to a voice of experience.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Age progression and maturity is detected through the quote "And I am two-and twenty, and oh, 'tis true, 'tis true' (Housman). This advances the complexity and neglect of Housman's life during the age of twenty-one.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay and presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ While time is in constant flux of change, so is the individual experiencing it.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Essentially, Housman uses exceptional differentiation of rhythm, tone, and diction to augment his poem with a refined and elegant meaning.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Time changes even the best of people, and this message is recognized powerfully by Housman's literary seperation of tone and cadency.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Diversification of tone and rhythm invites the reader to observe deeply in Housman's change of attitude over time.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Time changes even the best of people, and this message is recognized powerfully by Housman's literary seperation of tone and cadency. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Furthermore, the attitude of the author is pointed out further by the use of diction between the first and second stanzas.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with appropriate punctuation marks, include line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and begin with capital letters. (“ Although this is told to us from a 'wise man, ' detection of an attitude adjustment and diction differentiation accentuates the author's change of heart (Housman). ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The narrator of this poem starts out young and naive. He hears a man speaking about not giving love away. The man enlightens the narrator on what you should give away before love. He lists riches from crowns, pounds, and guineas to pearls and rubies. Despite the immense value of these items, he again insists on keeping your heart to yourself. At this point in the poem, the narrator is but 21 years of age. He has no desire to hear this from the wise gentleman. He wants to go out into the world and give his heart away. The narrator wants to fall in love. He is ready to give his heart away.

By the second stanza, the narrator is another year older. He has had more life experiences andis starting to see the wisdom in that mans advice. He has had his heart broken, and wished that he had not been so foolish. The narrator regrets not listening to the knowledge that the wise old man was eagerly trying to bestow upon him. He realizes all to late that this fellow had been one hundred percent correct.

The tone and rhythm really work well to reflect upon the narrator's change in attitude. It follows along with his new lachrymose outlook of life. In the first stanza, he is optimistic. The poem has a happier tone. Conversely, the second stanza has a really sentiment. This matches his new pessimistic point of view that he has.

We can also see a change in his attitude by the way he recalls the old man's advice to him. In the first stanza, he uses words that have a more positive connotation. He speaks about pearls, rubies, fancy, and free, all of which are pleasant things. In the second stanza, however, he seems to recall the advice somewhat differently. He uses the phrases "given in vain," "sighs a plenty," and "endless rue." They all give a completely different spin on the old man's words. This undeniably demonstrates his complete change in attitude and state of mind.

The message of this poem is all too true. Everyone has a moment in which they wish that they knew when they were younger what they know now. Unfortunately, part of life is making mistakes and learning from them. Old people often give advice thinking that younger people are going to listen to it, even though when they were young, they did not follow the guidance of their elders. What is even more unfortunate is that the counsel of the old people is usually spot on. Despite this, it is a perpetualy fact that young people will never listen, and old people will never stop talking.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate use of focus and meaning is provided in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The thesis states the controlling idea and establishes character analysis as the focus of the essay. (“ The narrator regrets not listening to the knowledge that the wise old man was eagerly trying to bestow upon him. ”)

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the monumental event of the character’s change in attitude over time and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“In the first stanza, he is optimistic. The poem has a happier tone. Conversely, the second stanza has a really sentiment. This matches his new pessimistic point of view that he has.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer reiterates the idea that the character’s ignorance in youth is followed by wisdom and remorse with age. (“ Everyone has a moment in which they wish that they knew when they were younger what they know now. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story, which is that often ignorance/inexperience is associated with youth, and wisdom/experience is associated with age. (“ Old people often give advice thinking that younger people are going to listen to it, even though when they were young, they did not follow the guidance of their elders. ”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text that touch upon literary devices, such as diction, of the analyzed piece. (“ He uses the phrases 'given in vain, ' 'sighs a plenty, ' and 'endless rue.' They all give a completely different spin on the old man's words. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ We can also see a change in his attitude by the way he recalls the old man's advice to him. In the first stanza, he uses words that have a more positive connotation. He speaks about pearls, rubies, fancy, and free, all of which are pleasant things. ”)

Organization

There is adequate organization. The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction with an implied question. (“ The narrator of this poem starts out young and naive. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion in the form of a thesis statement. (“ Despite this, it is a perpetualy fact that young people will never listen, and old people will never stop talking.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the response. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, which maintains the readers’ engagement in the analysis. (“ The message of this poem is all too true. Everyone has a moment in which they wish that they knew when they were younger what they know now. ”)

The writer retains adequate analytical voice, as he/she writes from the perspective of an omniscient observer. (“ The narrator regrets not listening to the knowledge that the wise old man was eagerly trying to bestow upon him.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ What is even more unfortunate is that the counsel of the old people is usually spot on. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in the response. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Parents are always telling thier kids what's best for them. Parents always tell us to focus more in school than on friends and partys. They tell us to pay more attention to curfew and homeowork. Just like this poem "When i was one-and-twenty by A.E. Houseman.

This poem talks about when a young man who was 21 fell in love and got heartbroken. When he was 21 he met a wiseman who told him to give away his riches but not his heart. He told him nothing can ever compare to your heart. He said his heart was pricesless. the wiseman said "give away crowns, pounds and guineas but not your heart away."

What this poem is saying is not to give your heart away like a toy because it will be played with if you give it to the wrong person. A lot of people might think they in love but they're either blinded by their beauty or in lust. we don't like to listen to others we most likely like to learn from our own mistakes, and this is the case in this poem. Like the wiseman said it's better to give away all your riches because your heart is pricless. It's better to give away everything of value and keep your fancyness.

The main point of this poem is that you can always learn from someone elses mistake. Just because you have riches or better looks doesn't mean you can't be played and be left feeling a fool. Never give you heart in vain. Neve give it to someone who wont take you serious and is just here to have fun. listen to others don't be stubburn sometimes they know what they're talking about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By analyzing a specific excerpt from the poem (“the wiseman said ' give away crowns, pounds and guineas but not your heart away. ' "), the writer satisfies some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details in the response renders the essay limited at best. (“What this poem is saying is not to give your heart away like a toy because it will be played with if you give it to the wrong person.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay shows a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. Although the writer attempts to analyze the poem, the explanation is vague and lacks coherence. (“What this poem is saying is not to give your heart away like a toy because it will be played with if you give it to the wrong person. A lot of people might think they in love but they're either blinded by their beauty or in lust. we don't like to listen to others we most likely like to learn from our own mistakes, and this is the case in this poem. Like the wiseman said it's better to give away all your riches because your heart is pricless. It's better to give away everything of value and keep your fancyness.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but the essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by expressing a universally held belief. (“ Parents are always telling thier kids what's best for them. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Like the wiseman said it's better to give away all your riches because your heart is pricless. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion conveys an ambiguous sense of closure. (“ listen to others don't be stubburn sometimes they know what they're talking about. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. There is some awareness of audience and control of voice, but the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are fragments in the essay. (“ Just like this poem ' When i was one-and-twenty by A.E. Houseman. ”)

Although the writer manages to express an implied tone of imprudence in the main character (“ Just because you have riches or better looks doesn't mean you can't be played and be left feeling a fool.”), he/she does not maintain enough focus on the events in the poem for readers to relate to the contrasting, reflective tone found later. (“ It's better to give away everything of value and keep your fancyness.”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“listen to others don't be stubburn sometimes they know what they're talking about.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ we don't like to listen to others we most likely like to learn from our own mistakes, and this is the case in this poem. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

when we are all kids we grow up learning from our mistakes, but dont you ever wonder if there was a way to just avoide the mistakes that you made? Well you might of not noticed but you can you see our parents grandparents relatives all have given us advice in our life mutiple times thats what i think. But for some reason almost every kid chooses to just ignore there parents, and most of them end up doing exactly what there parents told them not to do.and all of this is exactly what the poem "when i was one-and-twenty" is about.

The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in this essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions poor choices made in childhood. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response fails to address change as the character ages. (“ The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas of why the writer’s attitude changed from age 21 to 22. (“ The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“… but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

Although the writer conveys that one of the themes of the poem is youth and ignorance (“ The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older.”), the essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text.

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate how the youth has changed from age 21 to 22. (“ But for some reason almost every kid chooses to just ignore there parents, and most of them end up doing exactly what there parents told them not to do.and all of this is exactly what the poem ‘when i was one-and-twenty’ is about. ”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, the main ideas in the body paragraphs that support the central/controlling idea of the essay are incompletely developed. (“ But for some reason almost every kid chooses to just ignore there parents, and most of them end up doing exactly what there parents told them not to do.and all of this is exactly what the poem ‘when i was one-and-twenty’ is about. ”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. There is minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The writer makes a minimal attempt at identifying the idea that one may recognize poor decisions of the past as one grows older (“ The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older.”), but he/she does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect this.

While the author opens the essay with a question, the introduction lacks clarity and is therefore minimal. (“ when we are all kids we grow up learning from our mistakes, but dont you ever wonder if there was a way to just avoide the mistakes that you made? ”)

The conclusion of the essay minimally summarizes the idea of maturity and understanding, but it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ The poem is about how when you are young you never really listen to other people advice and instead go and do your own thing, but when your decision goes wrong you finally see that you shoud of listened to the other persons advice when you are much older. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Well you might of not noticed but you can you see our parents grandparents relatives all have given us advice in our life mutiple times thats what i think. ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ But for some reason almost every kid chooses to just ignore there parents, and most of them end up doing exactly what there parents told them not to do.and all of this is exactly what the poem ‘when i was one-and-twenty’ is about. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This poem states that young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people And he less wiser and as he turns to 22. He ralis that he did some things he regrits. young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer’s assertions are not supported with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, or literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The analysis is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. In fact, the writer repeats things. (“This poem states that young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people … young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The information that is included is stilted, and the essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“And he less wiser and as he turns to 22. He ralis that he did some things he regrits. young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of a youth becoming older and wiser but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“ He ralis that he did some things he regrits. young people have to make choises on by there selfs. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ young people have to make choises on by there selfs. ”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ He ralis that he did some things he regrits. young people have to make choises on by there selfs. They should not take advise from old people.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ They should not take advise from old people. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The structure of some sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ They should not take advise from old people And he less wiser and as he turns to 22. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ They should not take advise from old people. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Biography of an Author

Choose an author that you like or one that you would like to learn more about. Then, in a detailed essay, write about this particular author's life. What were some of this author's most significant literary works? What are the most prominent parts of the author's life? What were the times like in which this author lived?

In a detailed and well-developed essay, write about the life and times of a particular author of your choice.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have your ears ever heard of the name Jack London? This person happens to be a famous author that literally "wrote" a gargantuan impact in American literature. First born in San Francisco as John Grittith Chaney, he went through many intense, astonishing moments in his adventurous life before dying at the young age of 40 in Sonoma . All of London 's various life experiences shaped the skilled writer and his wonderful literature into something truly magnificent.

At the beginning of London 's life, he began by taking his first breath on January 12th, 1876 from Flora Wellman, a wealthy music teacher and spiritualist of Welsh origin. His true biological father, William Chaney, a well known astrologist with a good reputation, left Wellman before London arrived. Soon afterwards, the music specialist married John London, a partially disabled war veteran and failed storekeeper (london.sonoma.edu). However, London did not really live with his biological parents, as Wellman left London in the care of another person, who would later serve as a major influence to the future novelist's childhood.

Despite having relatively wealthy parents, London grew up surrounded by a working class family. Even though this famous author claims that their money was meager, the household was not really all that impoverished.

Later, as an adolescent, London worked various occupations that would later serve as the basis for his many works. He first worked at an industrial factory to support his intimate family, and later on, he also went behind the law as an oyster pirate. In fact, London earned more money being a pirate than in his first week of writing. While he enjoyed the undertaking, London knew disobeying the law would hurt him in the future to come, and possibly lead him down a path he wasn't meant to take, so the young teen reformed and enrolled with the US Fish Patrol. Later on, he was one of many to take off to the Klondike , hoping to claim a fortune for himself.

After leaving the unforgivable landscape of the Alaskan Wilderness, London then retreated back to his home and married his close friend and arithmetic tutor, Bess Maddern, whom he had 2 children with. The two willfully divorced in the year 1903 and after that, the book-writer married Charmian Kitteredge, his lawyer, and the fair maiden whom he had found true love with. The newly-wed husband and wife then attempted to produce offspring, but failed sadly. One, a girl named Joy, died at birth, while the other one ended up as a cruel miscarriage.

In the end, during the month of November in the year 1916, Jack London dies supposedly of uremic poisoning, with many debts unpaid and his own story unfinished. However, there has been some speculation that his death was a suicide, considering that in countless stories of his, there was often a suicidal character. In fact, this is still a highly debated topic, even today.

Throughout all his lifetime, London had countless hobbies. Did you know that this well-known novelist enjoyed sailing in the ocean? Remember, he was a member of the Fish Patrol (as stated above). He also loved to go fish for countless hours and write (of course) since he was a writer.

What exactly did London write about? Well, his literature expands far and wide. He wrote novels, short stories, and some articles for newspapers. Did you also know that many of his critics say he was better at crafting short stories then writing actual chapter books? Even so, many of his titles have been brilliantly successful, such as "Son of the Wolf," "Call of the Wild," and "The Sea-Wolf." Due to this, his "standing" in American literature is rather high (jacklondon.com). He takes his inspiration from his venture into the freezing Klondike and all of his jobs (london.sonoma.edu). However, there are some misconceptions about his many works, such as "he only wrote dog stories." As you can probably deduce, this is obviously not true. As stated above, he also reported for newspapers and such.

In his lifetime, this famous author was publicized very much. He was a very cheerful, bouncy, and optimistic person, both in his personality and his beliefs (london.sonoma. edu). He took advantage of his publicity to express his thoughts and opinions to the world.

There was one thing the author expressed heavily. Jack London believed very strongly in socialism, and even joined a socialist group to prove so. Take note that he was also seemingly somewhat against racism, as he conjured up some detailed essays that dealt with these sensitive, debatable topics. Also, London 's status as a popular public figure contributed to help influence many people (london.sonoma.edu).

Finally, London 's life and literature has carved a pretty scar into America 's history and regular people. His many, varied occupations and experiences shaped him into something truly unique. He will serve as a memory to many people and inspiration to aspiring authors everywhere.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are found in this essay. The writer establishes and maintains an insightful controlling idea, demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes all parts of the task, even going beyond the limits of the task.

The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting statement or a question in the beginning of the introduction. (“ Have your ears ever heard of the name Jack London? This person happens to be a famous author that literally ‘wrote’ a gargantuan impact in American literature. First born in San Francisco as John Grittith Chaney, he went through many intense, astonishing moments in his adventurous life before dying at the young age of 40 in Sonoma . All of London 's various life experiences shaped the skilled writer and his wonderful literature into something truly magnificent.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ Later, as an adolescent, London worked various occupations that would later serve as the basis for his many works. He first worked at an industrial factory to support his intimate family, and later on, he also went behind the law as an oyster pirate. In fact, London earned more money being a pirate than in his first week of writing. While he enjoyed the undertaking, London knew disobeying the law would hurt him in the future to come, and possibly lead him down a path he wasn't meant to take, so the young teen reformed and enrolled with the US Fish Patrol. Later on, he was one of many to take off to the Klondike , hoping to claim a fortune for himself.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ All of London 's various life experiences shaped the skilled writer and his wonderful literature into something truly magnificent.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details to support ideas.

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of each topic sentence. (“Later, as an adolescent, London worked various occupations that would later serve as the basis for his many works. He first worked at an industrial factory to support his intimate family, and later on, he also went behind the law as an oyster pirate. In fact, London earned more money being a pirate than in his first week of writing. While he enjoyed the undertaking, London knew disobeying the law would hurt him in the future to come, and possibly lead him down a path he wasn't meant to take, so the young teen reformed and enrolled with the US Fish Patrol. Later on, he was one of many to take off to the Klondike , hoping to claim a fortune for himself.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“What exactly did London write about? Well, his literature expands far and wide. He wrote novels, short stories, and some articles for newspapers. Did you also know that many of his critics say he was better at crafting short stories then writing actual chapter books? Even so, many of his titles have been brilliantly successful, such as ‘Son of the Wolf,’ ‘Call of the Wild,’ and ‘The Sea-Wolf.’ Due to this, his ‘standing’ in American literature is rather high (jacklondon.com). He takes his inspiration from his venture into the freezing Klondike and all of his jobs (london.sonoma.edu). However, there are some misconceptions about his many works, such as ‘he only wrote dog stories.’ As you can probably deduce, this is obviously not true. As stated above, he also reported for newspapers and such.”)

Specific information about the author’s life is developed very effectively. (“At the beginning of London 's life, he began by taking his first breath on January 12th, 1876 from Flora Wellman, a wealthy music teacher and spiritualist of Welsh origin. His true biological father, William Chaney, a well known astrologist with a good reputation, left Wellman before London arrived. Soon afterwards, the music specialist married John London, a partially disabled war veteran and failed storekeeper (london.sonoma.edu). However, London did not really live with his biological parents, as Wellman left London in the care of another person, who would later serve as a major influence to the future novelist's childhood.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is exhibited throughout this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, effective use of paragraphing, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Have your ears ever heard of the name Jack London? This person happens to be a famous author that literally ‘wrote’ a gargantuan impact in American literature. First born in San Francisco as John Grittith Chaney, he went through many intense, astonishing moments in his adventurous life before dying at the young age of 40 in Sonoma . All of London 's various life experiences shaped the skilled writer and his wonderful literature into something truly magnificent.”)

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ All of London 's various life experiences shaped the skilled writer and his wonderful literature into something truly magnificent.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Despite having relatively wealthy parents, London grew up surrounded by a working class family. … Later, as an adolescent, London worked various occupations that would later serve as the basis for his many works. … In the end, during the month of November in the year 1916, Jack London dies supposedly of uremic poisoning, with many debts unpaid and his own story unfinished.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ Finally, London 's life and literature has carved a pretty scar into America 's history and regular people. His many, varied occupations and experiences shaped him into something truly unique. He will serve as a memory to many people and inspiration to aspiring authors everywhere.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is very effective. The writing demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Creative language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ After leaving the unforgivable landscape of the Alaskan Wilderness, London then retreated back to his home and married his close friend and arithmetic tutor, Bess Maddern, whom he had 2 children with. The two willfully divorced in the year 1903 and after that, the book-writer married Charmian Kitteredge, his lawyer, and the fair maiden whom he had found true love with. The newly-wed husband and wife then attempted to produce offspring, but failed sadly. One, a girl named Joy, died at birth, while the other one ended up as a cruel miscarriage.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ Despite having relatively wealthy parents, London grew up surrounded by a working class family. Even though this famous author claims that their money was meager, the household was not really all that impoverished. …Later, as an adolescent, London worked various occupations that would later serve as the basis for his many works. He first worked at an industrial factory to support his intimate family, and later on, he also went behind the law as an oyster pirate. In fact, London earned more money being a pirate than in his first week of writing. While he enjoyed the undertaking, London knew disobeying the law would hurt him in the future to come, and possibly lead him down a path he wasn't meant to take, so the young teen reformed and enrolled with the US Fish Patrol. Later on, he was one of many to take off to the Klondike , hoping to claim a fortune for himself.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Despite having relatively wealthy parents, London grew up surrounded by a working class family.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is apparent within the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Despite having relatively wealthy parents, London grew up surrounded by a working class family. Even though this famous author claims that their money was meager, the household was not really all that impoverished.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mary Shelley was a British novelist who well known mostly from novel, Frankenstein. She was born in Somers Town , Great Britain on August 30, 1787. She was born to a strongly literary influenced home. Because her father, William Godwin was a political theorist, novelist, and publisher, he encouraged Mary Shelley as a writer. Her mother, Mary Wollstonecraft was a writer and feminist but died 10 days after Mary's birth. The Beginning of her writing career all began when she was nineteen. She started her first novel Frankenstein which only began as a ghost story but turned out to be her most famous novel.

Mary Shelley was the only child of Mary Wollstonecraft and William Godwin. After the death of her mother, Mary and her step-sister Fanny Imlay were raised by her father and eventually step-mother, Mary Jane Clairmont. Later, in 1814 Mary fell in love with Percy Shelley, her father's political follower. Along with Mary's step-sister, Claire Clairmont, they ran off to Europe , however Percy at the time is married. Mary eventually becomes pregnant, but the prematurely born baby dies twelve days later. Mary and Percy finally marry in 1816 after the suicide of Percy's first wife Harriet. Mary also has three other children later on, Clara and William, who also die, and Percy, who is the only one of Mary's surviving children. In 1822 her husband drowns at the age of 29 in a heavy storm in the Gulf of Spezia near Livorno .

Mary Shelley shows in her novel, Frankenstein, a relationship between the characters and events in the novel to the people and events in her life. The many deaths in her family that she had to live through had an impact on her life and probably effected what and how she wrote. In the novel Victor's mother dies and Mary Shelley's mother also died when she was a baby. Also, Victor in the novel is very similar to Mary Shelley because like her, he goes through most members of his family dying and he goes through stages of depression. Mary reflected her life along with the problems she went through in the character, Victor throughout the novel and shows similar things she went through.

Frankenstein was Marry Shelley's first novel, however today it is one of her most well known. The beginning of the writing of Frankenstein started in the summer of 1816 in Geneva , Switzerland when Claire Clairmont, Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, and John Polidori, Byron's physician sat together. Byron suggested to the group that they all write a ghost story. Mary wanted to write a story that related to human nature and a thrilling horror. After listening to a conversation between Percy Shelley and Lord Byron about galvanism, she figured out what her story would be. The conversation led to her idea of Frankenstein and she began writing what would soon become chapter 4 of Frankenstein.

After her husband's death, Mary Shelley decided to not ever marry again. Instead she tried to focus on her son's education and interests. She continued her career as a professional writer, but started writing more short stories rather than novels. One of the novels she did continue writing was The Last Man which, like Frankenstein, also had to do with isolation. Mary Shelley died as a result of a brain tumor in Bournemouth , England on February 1, 1851, at the age of 54.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question demonstrates evidence of good focus and meaning. The writer establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea, demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes most parts of the task.

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ Mary Shelley shows in her novel, Frankenstein, a relationship between the characters and events in the novel to the people and events in her life. The many deaths in her family that she had to live through had an impact on her life and probably effected what and how she wrote. In the novel Victor's mother dies and Mary Shelley's mother also died when she was a baby. Also, Victor in the novel is very similar to Mary Shelley because like her, he goes through most members of his family dying and he goes through stages of depression. Mary reflected her life along with the problems she went through in the character, Victor throughout the novel and shows similar things she went through.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples very well. (“ She started her first novel Frankenstein which only began as a ghost story but turned out to be her most famous novel.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Mary Shelley’s life and her most famous work, Frankenstein . (“ Frankenstein was Marry Shelley's first novel, however today it is one of her most well known. The beginning of the writing of Frankenstein started in the summer of 1816 in Geneva , Switzerland when Claire Clairmont, Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, and John Polidori, Byron's physician sat together. Byron suggested to the group that they all write a ghost story. Mary wanted to write a story that related to human nature and a thrilling horror. After listening to a conversation between Percy Shelley and Lord Byron about galvanism, she figured out what her story would be. The conversation led to her idea of Frankenstein and she began writing what would soon become chapter 4 of Frankenstein.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed clearly, using sufficient, appropriate details as support.

The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Frankenstein was Marry Shelley's first novel, however today it is one of her most well known. The beginning of the writing of Frankenstein started in the summer of 1816 in Geneva , Switzerland when Claire Clairmont, Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, and John Polidori, Byron's physician sat together. Byron suggested to the group that they all write a ghost story. Mary wanted to write a story that related to human nature and a thrilling horror. After listening to a conversation between Percy Shelley and Lord Byron about galvanism, she figured out what her story would be. The conversation led to her idea of Frankenstein and she began writing what would soon become chapter 4 of Frankenstein.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Mary Shelley shows in her novel, Frankenstein, a relationship between the characters and events in the novel to the people and events in her life. The many deaths in her family that she had to live through had an impact on her life and probably effected what and how she wrote. In the novel Victor's mother dies and Mary Shelley's mother also died when she was a baby. Also, Victor in the novel is very similar to Mary Shelley because like her, he goes through most members of his family dying and he goes through stages of depression. Mary reflected her life along with the problems she went through in the character, Victor throughout the novel and shows similar things she went through.”)

Specific information about Mary Shelley’s early life is developed clearly. (“Mary Shelley was the only child of Mary Wollstonecraft and William Godwin. After the death of her mother, Mary and her step-sister Fanny Imlay were raised by her father and eventually step-mother, Mary Jane Clairmont. Later, in 1814 Mary fell in love with Percy Shelley, her father's political follower. Along with Mary's step-sister, Claire Clairmont, they ran off to Europe , however Percy at the time is married. Mary eventually becomes pregnant, but the prematurely born baby dies twelve days later. Mary and Percy finally marry in 1816 after the suicide of Percy's first wife Harriet. Mary also has three other children later on, Clara and William, who also die, and Percy, who is the only one of Mary's surviving children. In 1822 her husband drowns at the age of 29 in a heavy storm in the Gulf of Spezia near Livorno .”)

Organization

Good organization is clearly apparent in this model essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ She started her first novel Frankenstein which only began as a ghost story but turned out to be her most famous novel.”)

The introduction provides enough information for readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“ Mary Shelley was a British novelist who well known mostly from novel, Frankenstein. She was born in Somers Town , Great Britain on August 30, 1787. She was born to a strongly literary influenced home. Because her father, William Godwin was a political theorist, novelist, and publisher, he encouraged Mary Shelley as a writer. Her mother, Mary Wollstonecraft was a writer and feminist but died 10 days after Mary's birth. The Beginning of her writing career all began when she was nineteen. She started her first novel Frankenstein which only began as a ghost story but turned out to be her most famous novel.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ After her husband's death, Mary Shelley decided to not ever marry again. Instead she tried to focus on her son's education and interests.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ After her husband's death, Mary Shelley decided to not ever marry again. Instead she tried to focus on her son's education and interests. She continued her career as a professional writer, but started writing more short stories rather than novels. One of the novels she did continue writing was The Last Man which, like Frankenstein, also had to do with isolation. Mary Shelley died as a result of a brain tumor in Bournemouth , England on February 1, 1851, at the age of 54.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is characterized by good use of language and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Mary Shelley was a British novelist who well known mostly from novel, Frankenstein. She was born in Somers Town , Great Britain on August 30, 1787. She was born to a strongly literary influenced home. Because her father, William Godwin was a political theorist, novelist, and publisher, he encouraged Mary Shelley as a writer. Her mother, Mary Wollstonecraft was a writer and feminist but died 10 days after Mary's birth. The Beginning of her writing career all began when she was nineteen. She started her first novel Frankenstein which only began as a ghost story but turned out to be her most famous novel. … After her husband's death, Mary Shelley decided to not ever marry again. Instead she tried to focus on her son's education and interests. She continued her career as a professional writer, but started writing more short stories rather than novels. One of the novels she did continue writing was The Last Man which, like Frankenstein, also had to do with isolation. Mary Shelley died as a result of a brain tumor in Bournemouth , England on February 1, 1851, at the age of 54.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Mary Shelley shows in her novel, Frankenstein, a relationship between the characters and events in the novel to the people and events in her life. The many deaths in her family that she had to live through had an impact on her life and probably effected what and how she wrote. In the novel Victor's mother dies and Mary Shelley's mother also died when she was a baby. Also, Victor in the novel is very similar to Mary Shelley because like her, he goes through most members of his family dying and he goes through stages of depression. Mary reflected her life along with the problems she went through in the character, Victor throughout the novel and shows similar things she went through. …Frankenstein was Marry Shelley's first novel, however today it is one of her most well known. The beginning of the writing of Frankenstein started in the summer of 1816 in Geneva , Switzerland when Claire Clairmont, Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, and John Polidori, Byron's physician sat together. Byron suggested to the group that they all write a ghost story. Mary wanted to write a story that related to human nature and a thrilling horror. After listening to a conversation between Percy Shelley and Lord Byron about galvanism, she figured out what her story would be. The conversation led to her idea of Frankenstein and she began writing what would soon become chapter 4 of Frankenstein.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Mary eventually becomes pregnant, but the prematurely born baby dies twelve days later.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer conveys good control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Frankenstein was Marry Shelley's first novel, however today it is one of her most well known. The beginning of the writing of Frankenstein started in the summer of 1816 in Geneva , Switzerland when Claire Clairmont, Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, and John Polidori, Byron's physician sat together.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many interesting and extremely great authors in this world. Some of the greatest authors were alive in the late 1800s or early 1900s. They wrote many adventurous and horror stories, that captured the minds of people all around. These authors used much detail in their stories that caught the reader's attention easily. They also knew how to express the detail to the reader so they got a visual in their head about what was happening in the story. I have never tried to write a story myself, but I am sure it would not be nearly as good as what true authors out there can do. Edgar Allan Poe had a very interesting way of expressing himself in his stories. He was a master of horror and mystery, and always knew how to scare the reader while getting them interested in the story at the same time.

Edgar Allan Poe had somewhat of a very disturbing life. He was brought into this world on January 19, 1809, in Boston , Massachusetts . His mother, at the time, was employed as an actress. She later died of illness and Poe was taken into a new family. Later on, after graduating from high school, he attended the University of Virginia , passing his classes with very impressive ranks. One night while he was home, he had an argument with his father over the prices of attending school, and left his home with nothing. While he was away, he enlisted in the army and served, gaining positions as a general. Meanwhile, he had spent his time writing poetry and stories and had married twice.

The tragic year was 1846. Poe was living in a cottage in Fordham where he had lived for three years. His wife, Virginia , died and Poe turned to whiskey and drinking, in hopes that would relieve him of his depression and pain. In later years, he was interested in many women and took a dark stage of depression. He wrote many poems and stories during this time, which, by reading them, showed that he was a very depressed man. Living like this was not helping Poe, even though his stories and poems were being published and sold.

Poe, on October 7, 1849, then died. His death remains a mystery, but I am sure it was a result of his stage of depression when he turned to alcohol to relieve his pain. He was found unconscious in Baltimore in a pitiable condition. He was taken to a hospital where he later died. He was burried but not forgotten. His writings stuck around and are still extremely famous today. He has possibly inspired people to get into writing, and his stories were a good way to tell the story of his life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are featured in the essay. The writer establishes a controlling idea and demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience while completing many parts of the task.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“He was a master of horror and mystery, and always knew how to scare the reader while getting them interested in the story at the same time.”)

The essay understands the intended audience adequately. (“Edgar Allan Poe had somewhat of a very disturbing life. He was brought into this world on January 19, 1809, in Boston , Massachusetts . His mother, at the time, was employed as an actress. She later died of illness and Poe was taken into a new family. Later on, after graduating from high school, he attended the University of Virginia , passing his classes with very impressive ranks. One night while he was home, he had an argument with his father over the prices of attending school, and left his home with nothing. While he was away, he enlisted in the army and served, gaining positions as a general. Meanwhile, he had spent his time writing poetry and stories and had married twice.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“The tragic year was 1846. Poe was living in a cottage in Fordham where he had lived for three years. His wife, Virginia , died and Poe turned to whiskey and drinking, in hopes that would relieve him of his depression and pain. In later years, he was interested in many women and took a dark stage of depression. He wrote many poems and stories during this time, which, by reading them, showed that he was a very depressed man. Living like this was not helping Poe, even though his stories and poems were being published and sold.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using sufficient details for support.

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The tragic year was 1846. Poe was living in a cottage in Fordham where he had lived for three years. His wife, Virginia , died and Poe turned to whiskey and drinking, in hopes that would relieve him of his depression and pain. In later years, he was interested in many women and took a dark stage of depression. He wrote many poems and stories during this time, which, by reading them, showed that he was a very depressed man. Living like this was not helping Poe, even though his stories and poems were being published and sold.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Edgar Allan Poe had somewhat of a very disturbing life. He was brought into this world on January 19, 1809, in Boston , Massachusetts . His mother, at the time, was employed as an actress. She later died of illness and Poe was taken into a new family. Later on, after graduating from high school, he attended the University of Virginia , passing his classes with very impressive ranks. One night while he was home, he had an argument with his father over the prices of attending school, and left his home with nothing. While he was away, he enlisted in the army and served, gaining positions as a general. Meanwhile, he had spent his time writing poetry and stories and had married twice.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Edgar Allan Poe had somewhat of a very disturbing life. He was brought into this world on January 19, 1809, in Boston , Massachusetts . His mother, at the time, was employed as an actress. She later died of illness and Poe was taken into a new family. Later on, after graduating from high school, he attended the University of Virginia , passing his classes with very impressive ranks. One night while he was home, he had an argument with his father over the prices of attending school, and left his home with nothing. While he was away, he enlisted in the army and served, gaining positions as a general. Meanwhile, he had spent his time writing poetry and stories and had married twice.”)

Organization

Adequate organization can be detected in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, as well as adequate use of paragraphing and adequate use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ There are many interesting and extremely great authors in this world. Some of the greatest authors were alive in the late 1800s or early 1900s. They wrote many adventurous and horror stories, that captured the minds of people all around. These authors used much detail in their stories that caught the reader's attention easily. They also knew how to express the detail to the reader so they got a visual in their head about what was happening in the story. I have never tried to write a story myself, but I am sure it would not be nearly as good as what true authors out there can do. Edgar Allan Poe had a very interesting way of expressing himself in his stories. He was a master of horror and mystery, and always knew how to scare the reader while getting them interested in the story at the same time.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Later on, after graduating from high school, he attended the University of Virginia , passing his classes with very impressive ranks. …In later years, he was interested in many women and took a dark stage of depression.”)

The conclusion adequately leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Poe, on October 7, 1849, then died. His death remains a mystery, but I am sure it was a result of his stage of depression when he turned to alcohol to relieve his pain. He was found unconscious in Baltimore in a pitiable condition. He was taken to a hospital where he later died. He was burried but not forgotten. His writings stuck around and are still extremely famous today. He has possibly inspired people to get into writing, and his stories were a good way to tell the story of his life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this particular essay is adequate. His/her writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice, as well as a general use of correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The tragic year was 1846. Poe was living in a cottage in Fordham where he had lived for three years. His wife, Virginia , died and Poe turned to whiskey and drinking, in hopes that would relieve him of his depression and pain. In later years, he was interested in many women and took a dark stage of depression. He wrote many poems and stories during this time, which, by reading them, showed that he was a very depressed man. Living like this was not helping Poe, even though his stories and poems were being published and sold.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “authors” and “life” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ There are many interesting and extremely great authors in this world. Some of the greatest authors were alive in the late 1800s or early 1900s. …He has possibly inspired people to get into writing, and his stories were a good way to tell the story of his life.”)

Word choices are adequate overall, but there are some poor word choices, such as “stuck around” and the overuse of the pronoun “he” in the concluding paragraph. (“ His writings stuck around and are still extremely famous today. …He was found unconscious in Baltimore in a pitiable condition. He was taken to a hospital where he later died. He was burried but not forgotten. His writings stuck around and are still extremely famous today. He has possibly inspired people to get into writing, and his stories were a good way to tell the story of his life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is exhibited throughout this essay about Poe’s life. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ He was found unconscious in Baltimore in a pitiable condition. He was taken to a hospital where he later died. He was burried but not forgotten.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.

Theodor (Ted) loved to read comics, draw funny pictures, write silly pomes, and make his own humorous comic strips. Him mother Henrietta Seuss Geisel worked for he father's bakery before marring Ted's father. Ted got his rhythm to right from all of the chants his mom did. For college Ted started at Dartmouth where he was the editor of the school magazine. Ten liked to party to him and his friends got caught once throwing a party that whet against school rules but they were only warned. After college his dad asked him what he was going to do then. So then he decides to try at Oxford University but they denied his application. But his dad couldn't let him down so he paid his way through for him any way so he could be a professor. During one of his classes Ted's doodle caught the eye of a fellow American named Helen Palmer who said that he should be an artist instead of a professor. He took her advice and eventually married her. Before he got married to Helen he decided that he needed to get a job. Because he new that he was a good at being an editor so he decided to be an editor for Judge, The New York Weekly. Then his next job was a cartoon advertiser for an oil company. That is where he worked for the next fifteen years. He then tried to go into the army but they declined and said at age of 38 you are to old. After that he went out looking for a new job but instead of him running into a job the job ran into him. Viking Press, a newspaper company, asked him to illustrate a collection of children's sayings called Boners. He accepted.

Ted later retired and started writing hi own books titled Dr. Seuss. After writing 60 Dr. Seuss books for 61 years he died on September 24, 1991 in La Jolla , California . He was given more then 8 awards for his Dr. Seuss serious.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience, while completing only some parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details for support.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Theodor (Ted) loved to read comics, draw funny pictures, write silly pomes, and make his own humorous comic strips. Him mother Henrietta Seuss Geisel worked for he father's bakery before marring Ted's father. Ted got his rhythm to right from all of the chants his mom did. For college Ted started at Dartmouth where he was the editor of the school magazine. Ten liked to party to him and his friends got caught once throwing a party that whet against school rules but they were only warned.”)

The main ideas do not fully support the thesis. (“Because he new that he was a good at being an editor so he decided to be an editor for Judge, The New York Weekly. Then his next job was a cartoon advertiser for an oil company. That is where he worked for the next fifteen years. He then tried to go into the army but they declined and said at age of 38 you are to old. After that he went out looking for a new job but instead of him running into a job the job ran into him. Viking Press, a newspaper company, asked him to illustrate a collection of children's sayings called Boners. He accepted. …Ted later retired and started writing hi own books titled Dr. Seuss. After writing 60 Dr. Seuss books for 61 years he died on September 24, 1991 in La Jolla , California . He was given more then 8 awards for his Dr. Seuss serious.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Theodor (Ted) loved to read comics, draw funny pictures, write silly pomes, and make his own humorous comic strips. Him mother Henrietta Seuss Geisel worked for he father's bakery before marring Ted's father. Ted got his rhythm to right from all of the chants his mom did. For college Ted started at Dartmouth where he was the editor of the school magazine. Ten liked to party to him and his friends got caught once throwing a party that whet against school rules but they were only warned.”)

Organization

This essay appears to have limited organization. It demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It also lacks paragraphing as well as some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ After college his dad asked him what he was going to do then. So then he decides to try at Oxford University but they denied his application. …Ted later retired and started writing hi own books titled Dr. Seuss.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about. (“ Ted later retired and started writing hi own books titled Dr. Seuss. After writing 60 Dr. Seuss books for 61 years he died on September 24, 1991 in La Jolla , California . He was given more then 8 awards for his Dr. Seuss serious.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language and word choice, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Ten liked to party to him and his friends got caught once throwing a party that whet against school rules but they were only warned.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might. …He accepted.”)

There is repetition. (“ This is a biography of Dr. Seuss other wise none as Theodor Seuss Geisel. Dr. Seuss was born on March 2, 1904, in Springfield , Massachusetts . Dr. Seuss didn't actually live as good of a life you thought he might.”)

Word choice is occasionally incorrect; for example, the writer uses “serious” instead of the correct term, “series.” (“ He was given more then 8 awards for his Dr. Seuss serious.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

A limited control of mechanics and conventions is presented in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“Ten liked to party to him and his friends got caught once throwing a party that whet against school rules but they were only warned. …But his dad couldn't let him down so he paid his way through for him any way so he could be a professor.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Tolkien was born in south Africa and wrote the books of the lord of the rings series. When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad. he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series. Tolkien was not interested in books that many young children like in his time, for he was interested in goblin lurking in mountains.

He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays focus and meaning that are minimal at best. A controlling idea is suggested, but minimal understanding of the purpose and audience is demonstrated; few parts of the task are completed.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“Tolkien was born in south Africa and wrote the books of the lord of the rings series. When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad. he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series. Tolkien was not interested in books that many young children like in his time, for he was interested in goblin lurking in mountains.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Tolkien was born in south Africa and wrote the books of the lord of the rings series. When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad. he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series. Tolkien was not interested in books that many young children like in his time, for he was interested in goblin lurking in mountains.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains minimal content and development. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Tolkien was born in south Africa and wrote the books of the lord of the rings series. When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad. he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series. Tolkien was not interested in books that many young children like in his time, for he was interested in goblin lurking in mountains.”)

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Tolkien was born in south Africa and wrote the books of the lord of the rings series. When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad. he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series. Tolkien was not interested in books that many young children like in his time, for he was interested in goblin lurking in mountains.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford .”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. J.R.R Tolkien was very into war and that is partially why the lord of the rings trilogy has so much war and death in it. He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford . Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay conveys minimal use of language and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ When he was three his father had caught yellow fever and he died. JRR Tolkien was very sad.”)

There is repetition, as many of the sentences in the essay begin with “he.” (“ He started to make up his own languages and shared them with his friends. he had mastered greek and latin and enjoyed making jokes. …He got older and was not gothic but was Oxford .”)

Transitions are needed. (“ Tolkien's books are very adventurous. He spent a lot of time doing geography and this is how he made his really realistic maps and yet so fantasy like. Many people like his books because they are very good and I like them too.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“he came up with his book characters by mixing up names of neighbors and places around his neighbor hood. He like the sound of words and did not care about the meaning of them. This is how he was able to come up with the interesting words and names in the lord of the rings series.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a controlling idea and demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, completing no parts of the task.

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Content & Development

The content and development seen here in this brief essay are inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no details for support.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is exhibited in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are shown in the essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing. (“ I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions in this essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, the writer does not make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“My favorite author is SE Hinton because I had to do my summer reading over him and I enjoyed reading his most famous book The Outsiders. I do not enjoy reading very many books so a book has to be really good for me to want to read it. I think that it would be justice if there was a writer that I really liked and he wrote a series to. Then I could read allot”)

Character Comparison in 1984

Winston Smith, the main character in George Orwell's 1984 , is very rebellious and unfit for the society in which he lives. When he meets Julia, he feels like he has finally met a person to whom he can relate. However, Julia and Winston are very different. In a multi-paragraph essay, compare and contrast Julia and Winston. Discuss the similarities and differences that exist between these two characters.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In George Orwell's terrifying glimpse into an alternate future of our world, a novel entitled 1984, we see a large variance in the characters whose lives we trace, as well as the strained bonds that tie them together. The constraints, placed by the Party's totalitarian stranglehold, on society bred a desire for rebellion in our two protagonists, but the executions of their inner-thoughts differ based on their personal experiences. As their lives unfold, we gain a deeper understanding of their motives and the ends they want for the means they perpetrate, in defiance of the Party's control. They develop their own methods to satisfy their need to change their stifling surroundings with both interesting parallels as well as shocking dissimilarities; exercising wanton promiscuity against Party sexual regulations, speaking poorly of the draconian chains the Party drapes its citizenry with, and even daring to have free will and harbor revolutionary thoughts that are unheard of in the preponderance of the population. These serve to deepen our insight into the desolation faced by all the inhabitants of Oceania. In Winston and Julia's quest to escape the death grip the Party maintains on their lives, we gain an intimate connection with the souls of a pair of deeply troubled citizens in a nation where all hope is gone and the future is as barren as the dark side of the moon.

The steps our two protagonists take in order to gain a sense of freedom from the bonds the Party inflicts, are greatly important in their progression through the novel and towards their eventual betrayal and torture, which sadly sunders the pair in two. Both Julia and Winston fervently despise their restricted lives and thirst for freedom and the ability to express themselves without fear of persecution. Their mutual desire for the removal of their social and mental shackles is the element that draws them to each other and brings out their inner ideas on how to best rebel against the totalitarian rule of the Party. The couple repeatedly has sex, a very illegal act in this society, both to defy Party regulations and over time, possibly out of a love as well. This breaks a very serious rule the Party has created, which has the desired effect: that citizens are restrained and frustrated at their lack of ability to indulge in their desires. Winston and Julia also jointly commit the equally serious infraction of Thoughtcrime by thinking anti-Party, rebellious thoughts. They successfully avoid detection and capture for a considerable amount of time, all while carrying out these "egregious" crimes in the face of Winston's fatalistic view that they will be discovered quickly and punished for their violation of Party law. The luckless lovers face vicious and inhuman torture in Room 101, which causes them to become totally subservient to Party law, and unable to further threaten the Party's iron-clad grip on society and its violation of human rights and freedoms that its officials carry out on the mindless masses.

While Winston and Julia both fight for freedom and liberation from the totalitarian rule imposed by the Party, their motives and ideologies which drive their actions diverge considerably. Winston is a very thoughtful and contemplative man, and often ruminates on the state of society and his great dislike of it. His reasoning for wanting to defy the Party is much more ideological than Julia's, and is based on the right he believes he should have for free expression without fear of prosecution or imprisonment. Originally, Winston only defied Party law by writing in a Prole diary and keeping his thoughts and opinions in it, which is expressly forbidden. He feared he would be quickly discovered and violently punished for his transgression, and would have not broken any more serious rules if not for his interactions with Julia. Julia's motivations for rebelling against the set social guidelines are fairly selfish and pragmatic, as opposed to an outrage at the injustice being leveled at her and society as well. Julia is more offended by the lack of pleasure she is allowed to experience as a citizen of Oceania, and consistently has affairs with Party members to satisfy her desires, but nothing more. She does not dwell on the reasons why what she does is illegal, and is therefore free of the kind of philosophical pondering on the state of the nation that Winston carries out; and she remains at least moderately ignorant to the fact that what she does is unfairly labeled as criminal.

The thought of living in a society where it is a crime to think about a topic deemed unsavory by a ruling class that will accept nothing short of complete cooperation with its law is a frightening image, and infinitely worse to actually be citizens of this shocking society, as our pair of rebellious miscreants so unfortunately are. Winston and Julia rebelled in their own way, the future is lost as the past is rewritten, and hope becomes a bleak prospect as the legacy of Big Brother proclaims, "War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, and Ignorance is Strength."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer clearly communicates his/her understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. He/she describes many of Julia and Winston’s character traits with clear, descriptive details and insightful commentary. (“He feared he would be quickly discovered and violently punished for his transgression, and would have not broken any more serious rules if not for his interactions with Julia. Julia's motivations for rebelling against the set social guidelines are fairly selfish and pragmatic, as opposed to an outrage at the injustice being leveled at her and society as well. Julia is more offended by the lack of pleasure she is allowed to experience as a citizen of Oceania, and consistently has affairs with Party members to satisfy her desires, but nothing more.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Both Julia and Winston fervently despise their restricted lives and thirst for freedom and the ability to express themselves without fear of persecution. Their mutual desire for the removal of their social and mental shackles is the element that draws them to each other and brings out their inner ideas on how to best rebel against the totalitarian rule of the Party.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“In George Orwell's terrifying glimpse into an alternate future of our world, a novel entitled 1984, we see a large variance in the characters whose lives we trace, as well as the strained bonds that tie them together. The constraints, placed by the Party's totalitarian stranglehold, on society bred a desire for rebellion in our two protagonists, but the executions of their inner-thoughts differ based on their personal experiences. As their lives unfold, we gain a deeper understanding of their motives and the ends they want for the means they perpetrate, in defiance of the Party's control ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story and strengthen his/her analysis of the characters. (“The luckless lovers face vicious and inhuman torture in Room 101, which causes them to become totally subservient to Party law, and unable to further threaten the Party's iron-clad grip on society and its violation of human rights and freedoms that its officials carry out on the mindless masses.”)

The essay contains important and relevant details that include paraphrasing from the text. More directly quoted evidence would strengthen the writer’s analysis. (“His reasoning for wanting to defy the Party is much more ideological than Julia's, and is based on the right he believes he should have for free expression without fear of prosecution or imprisonment. Originally, Winston only defied Party law by writing in a Prole diary and keeping his thoughts and opinions in it, which is expressly forbidden.”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“The steps our two protagonists take in order to gain a sense of freedom from the bonds the Party inflicts, are greatly important in their progression through the novel and towards their eventual betrayal and torture, which sadly sunders the pair in two. Both Julia and Winston fervently despise their restricted lives and thirst for freedom and the ability to express themselves without fear of persecution. Their mutual desire for the removal of their social and mental shackles is the element that draws them to each other and brings out their inner ideas on how to best rebel against the totalitarian rule of the Party.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The writer also uses effective transitional devices throughout the essay.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the novel with very effective adjectives. The writer makes the purpose of the essay clear to his/her readers. (“In George Orwell's terrifying glimpse into an alternate future of our world, a novel entitled 1984, we see a large variance in the characters whose lives we trace, as well as the strained bonds that tie them together. The constraints, placed by the Party's totalitarian stranglehold, on society bred a desire for rebellion in our two protagonists, but the executions of their inner-thoughts differ based on their personal experiences. As their lives unfold, we gain a deeper understanding of their motives and the ends they want for the means they perpetrate, in defiance of the Party's control. ”)

Transitions are used very effectively between paragraphs and sentences. (“While Winston and Julia both fight for freedom and liberation from the totalitarian rule imposed by the Party, their motives and ideologies which drive their actions diverge considerably. Winston is a very thoughtful and contemplative man, and often ruminates on the state of society and his great dislike of it. His reasoning for wanting to defy the Party is much more ideological than Julia's, and is based on the right he believes he should have for free expression without fear of prosecution or imprisonment. Originally, Winston only defied Party law by writing in a Prole diary and keeping his thoughts and opinions in it, which is expressly forbidden. ”)

The essay includes a very effective conclusion that reiterates the main ideas of the essay and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“The thought of living in a society where it is a crime to think about a topic deemed unsavory by a ruling class that will accept nothing short of complete cooperation with its law is a frightening image, and infinitely worse to actually be citizens of this shocking society, as our pair of rebellious miscreants so unfortunately are. Winston and Julia rebelled in their own way, the future is lost as the past is rewritten, and hope becomes a bleak prospect as the legacy of Big Brother proclaims, ‘War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, and Ignorance is Strength.’ ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective use of language, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant themes in the novel and maintains a clear, descriptive, and very effective voice throughout the entire essay. (“ Julia is more offended by the lack of pleasure she is allowed to experience as a citizen of Oceania, and consistently has affairs with Party members to satisfy her desires, but nothing more. She does not dwell on the reasons why what she does is illegal, and is therefore free of the kind of philosophical pondering on the state of the nation that Winston carries out; and she remains at least moderately ignorant to the fact that what she does is unfairly labeled as criminal. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a vivid picture of the two characters for the readers. By the end of the comparison, the readers clearly understand each character and their motivations, background, and beliefs. (“ While Winston and Julia both fight for freedom and liberation from the totalitarian rule imposed by the Party, their motives and ideologies which drive their actions diverge considerably. Winston is a very thoughtful and contemplative man, and often ruminates on the state of society and his great dislike of it. His reasoning for wanting to defy the Party is much more ideological than Julia's, and is based on the right he believes he should have for free expression without fear of prosecution or imprisonment. Originally, Winston only defied Party law by writing in a Prole diary and keeping his thoughts and opinions in it, which is expressly forbidden. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Both Julia and Winston fervently despise their restricted lives and thirst for freedom and the ability to express themselves without fear of persecution. Their mutual desire for the removal of their social and mental shackles is the element that draws them to each other and brings out their inner ideas on how to best rebel against the totalitarian rule of the Party.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay contains very effective use of grammar and mechanics. For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ This breaks a very serious rule the Party has created, which has the desired effect: that citizens are restrained and frustrated at their lack of ability to indulge in their desires. Winston and Julia also jointly commit the equally serious infraction of Thoughtcrime by thinking anti-Party, rebellious thoughts. They successfully avoid detection and capture for a considerable amount of time, all while carrying out these ‘egregious’ crimes in the face of Winston's fatalistic view that they will be discovered quickly and punished for their violation of Party law. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the novel, 1984, George Orwell uses characterization to emphasize the influence and growing pressure of society. Orwell uses two different characters, of different genders and with different qualities, to portray the sides of rebellion as showed in the novel, 1984. Winston is shown as a weak and paranoid man who possesses the spiritual qualities of a rebellious person. Julia, on the other hand, is shown as a strong and demanding woman who possesses the physical aspects of a person who thinks they are rebellious, but without actual reason. Orwell uses characterization for two characters to portray the different sides of rebellion.

Orwell characterizes Winston in a very different way than Julia. Winston is characterized as a skittish and physically feeble man; but he is also passionate, spirited, and strong willed. Many times throughout the novel Winston feels the urge to scream, dance, laugh, or cry but is not able to because of the government's laws. He makes this point over and over again as a way to survive in his society; because if he shows real emotions or real thoughts to anyone he could be severely punished or even killed. Winston feels these sentiments from having lived them in the past with his family. When Winston was a young boy he had lived a normal life until the war came, with its guns and bombs, which brought devastation and destruction to London and especially to his family. When this happened Winston had the right, like any other person, to scream and cry, and react to such a situation. These feelings and the death of his mother are what influence Winston to have all of these emotions inside, hence his rebellion and resentment of the government and society.

Julia is characterized as a strong and stubborn young woman. She rebels against the government and does whatever she likes, whenever she wants to do it. Julia is the exact opposite of Winston as a human being. She never questions life or the authority of the government; she really does not have any true feelings inside of her or a philosophically significant reason for her rebellion. She rebels against the government to have a sense of importance and superiority. Her thought of rebellion is by going into the woods and carrying out the actions that bring her physical pleasure. This is also the opposite of Winston, because whenever he wants to talk to her about something meaningful, such as life and the government, she either falls asleep or is so strong willed as to convince him of not talking about it. The things that Winston discusses are what people in a true rebellion talk about, but none of those things interest Julia. Julia is used as a strong willed and disinterested human being to portray the physical side of a rebellion.

The only quality that both Winston and Julia share is the feeling of rebellion against an unjust and controlling government. They both feel the need to rebel against the government through the evidence that Winston does not decline to meet with Julia every month. Although the have different reasons for their rebellion, they are still rebelling, and most importantly, rebelling together. Sometimes, even though Winston wants to talk about meaning and intellect and Julia rejects that, they are still rebelling just through the action of being together.

In the novel, 1984, George Orwell uses the device of characterization to emphasize the difference between spiritual, intellectual rebellion and a physical rebellion without meaning. Although Winston and Julia possess different strengths and weaknesses which contribute to their rebellion, they still possess the same will to rebel against tyranny and oppression.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on a comparison of the characters’ beliefs, backgrounds, and traits. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“The only quality that both Winston and Julia share is the feeling of rebellion against an unjust and controlling government. They both feel the need to rebel against the government through the evidence that Winston does not decline to meet with Julia every month. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Her thought of rebellion is by going into the woods and carrying out the actions that bring her physical pleasure. This is also the opposite of Winston, because whenever he wants to talk to her about something meaningful, such as life and the government, she either falls asleep or is so strong willed as to convince him of not talking about it. The things that Winston discusses are what people in a true rebellion talk about, but none of those things interest Julia. Julia is used as a strong willed and disinterested human being to portray the physical side of a rebellion. ”)

The essay establishes a clear controlling/central idea and uses it to thoroughly analyze the text. (“Winston is shown as a weak and paranoid man who possesses the spiritual qualities of a rebellious person. Julia, on the other hand, is shown as a strong and demanding woman who possesses the physical aspects of a person who thinks they are rebellious, but without actual reason. Orwell uses characterization for two characters to portray the different sides of rebellion. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed, with a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses specific details from the text to establish an effective comparison of the characters. However, use of direct quotations as evidence would strengthen his/her analysis. (“When Winston was a young boy he had lived a normal life until the war came, with its guns and bombs, which brought devastation and destruction to London and especially to his family. When this happened Winston had the right, like any other person, to scream and cry, and react to such a situation. These feelings and the death of his mother are what influence Winston to have all of these emotions inside, hence his rebellion and resentment of the government and society. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. The writer discusses each character equally in the comparison and develops each idea effectively. (“Julia is characterized as a strong and stubborn young woman. She rebels against the government and does whatever she likes, whenever she wants to do it. Julia is the exact opposite of Winston as a human being. She never questions life or the authority of the government; she really does not have any true feelings inside of her or a philosophically significant reason for her rebellion. She rebels against the government to have a sense of importance and superiority.”)

The writer uses a variety of information from the text to support his/her analysis of the characters. The varied details included about each character create a complete picture. (“ Orwell characterizes Winston in a very different way than Julia. Winston is characterized as a skittish and physically feeble man; but he is also passionate, spirited, and strong willed. Many times throughout the novel Winston feels the urge to scream, dance, laugh, or cry but is not able to because of the government's laws. He makes this point over and over again as a way to survive in his society; because if he shows real emotions or real thoughts to anyone he could be severely punished or even killed. Winston feels these sentiments from having lived them in the past with his family.”)

Organization

The introduction of the essay is direct and quickly establishes a controlling/central idea, giving the readers a complete understanding of the purpose of the essay. (“In the novel, 1984, George Orwell uses characterization to emphasize the influence and growing pressure of society. Orwell uses two different characters, of different genders and with different qualities, to portray the sides of rebellion as showed in the novel, 1984. Winston is shown as a weak and paranoid man who possesses the spiritual qualities of a rebellious person. Julia, on the other hand, is shown as a strong and demanding woman who possesses the physical aspects of a person who thinks they are rebellious, but without actual reason. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs and sentences are used well. (“This is also the opposite of Winston, because whenever he wants to talk to her about something meaningful, such as life and the government, she either falls asleep or is so strong willed as to convince him of not talking about it. The things that Winston discusses are what people in a true rebellion talk about, but none of those things interest Julia. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“In the novel, 1984, George Orwell uses the device of characterization to emphasize the difference between spiritual, intellectual rebellion and a physical rebellion without meaning. Although Winston and Julia possess different strengths and weaknesses which contribute to their rebellion, they still possess the same will to rebel against tyranny and oppression. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses generally sophisticated word choices throughout the essay, which give it consistent language and tone. (“ Winston is shown as a weak and paranoid man who possesses the spiritual qualities of a rebellious person. Julia, on the other hand, is shown as a strong and demanding woman who possesses the physical aspects of a person who thinks they are rebellious, but without actual reason. Orwell uses characterization for two characters to portray the different sides of rebellion. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice and generally consistent voice throughout the essay. (“ Orwell uses two different characters, of different genders and with different qualities, to portray the sides of rebellion as showed in the novel, 1984. Winston is shown as a weak and paranoid man who possesses the spiritual qualities of a rebellious person. Julia, on the other hand, is shown as a strong and demanding woman who possesses the physical aspects of a person who thinks they are rebellious, but without actual reason. Orwell uses characterization for two characters to portray the different sides of rebellion. ”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling/central idea of the essay. (“Winston feels the urge to scream, dance, laugh, or cry but is not able to because of the government's laws. He makes this point over and over again as a way to survive in his society; because if he shows real emotions or real thoughts to anyone he could be severely punished or even killed. Winston feels these sentiments from having lived them in the past with his family. When Winston was a young boy he had lived a normal life until the war came, with its guns and bombs, which brought devastation and destruction to London and especially to his family. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

In the essay, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Winston is characterized as a skittish and physically feeble man; but he is also passionate, spirited, and strong willed. Many times throughout the novel Winston feels the urge to scream, dance, laugh, or cry but is not able to because of the government's laws. He makes this point over and over again as a way to survive in his society; because if he shows real emotions or real thoughts to anyone he could be severely punished or even killed. Winston feels these sentiments from having lived them in the past with his family. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine a crazy story of power, control, and love. "1984" is a story about a man named Winston Smith. He is an average 39 year old guy with a slight build. The other main character is Julia. She is a pretty, young woman who is 26 years old. In the tale, these two characters, who are physical opposites, are attracted to each other. In addition to sharing an attraction, Winston and Julia have similar political views. They both object strongly to being controlled by The Inner Party. On the other hand, their differences also are significant. Due to their age gap, Winston and Julia bring very dissimilar life experiences to the relationship.

In the first place, Winston and Julia have notable differences. Winston is 13 years older than Julia. He grew up in a different era. His childhood was difficult as his mom disappeared when he was young. Winston remembers the past quite well. He recalls what life was like when The Inner Party was not in control. Presently, Winston works at the Ministry of Truth. At work, he can control what the newspeak gives out, and add anything he wants, as long as it is in the best interest of the Inner-Party members. For example he wrote "Our forces in South India have won a glorious victory. I am authorized to say what the action we are now reporting may well bring war within measurable distance of its end" (25). What Winston had to write is all lies. He is forced to do this all the time. He wants to scream the truth to everyone, "Their is no War!!" But he can't because The Inner Party would kill him. In contrast, Julia doesn't remember a time when The Inner Party was not in charge. She doesn't recall the past much at all. Her life experience seems to be lacking depth and brevity. She rambles on about what is happening currently and how she is in involved in community service. "Can't you remember anything from before the war?" asked Winston. Julia replied, "No, I didn't really pay attention to the outer world." (129). Apparently, Julia made few, if any observations about her situation. She seemed oblivious to everything around her. Certainly, Winston and Julia have definite differences in age and experience.

Next, Winston and Julia have striking similarities. They have a strong physical attraction which is enhanced because they share political viewpoints. In fact, their relationship began when Julia noticed Winston did not agree with the party in control. Whether she knew it or not, she was searching for someone to share her feelings with. Julia says, "I don't like obeying the rules, I'm corrupt to the bone." Winston replies, "I am also corrupt to the bone. I don't believe in anything the party says either" (156). Winston and Julia bond in their contempt for their common enemy. Their passion for each other is strengthened by their political ardor. To be sure, Winston and Julia both dislike The Inner Party and despise living under its control.

In conclusion, Winston and Julia are two individuals who have considerable differences yet they share similar political philosophies. While their histories are not the same, as adults, they arrived at the same conclusion politically. This connection brought them together. This bond along with their physical attraction fueled their love. Their relationship portrays how two people can find love and companionship despite age differences and disparity in physical beauty. Indeed, Winston and Julia's love was as strong as their political zeal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer makes an adequate comparison of the two main characters and maintains his/her central idea throughout the essay. (“On the other hand, their differences also are significant. Due to their age gap, Winston and Julia bring very dissimilar life experiences to the relationship. In the first place, Winston and Julia have notable differences. Winston is 13 years older than Julia. He grew up in a different era. His childhood was difficult as his mom disappeared when he was young. Winston remembers the past quite well. He recalls what life was like when The Inner Party was not in control. Presently, Winston works at the Ministry of Truth.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. He/she includes details relevant to the prompt task that support his/her main idea. (“Next, Winston and Julia have striking similarities. They have a strong physical attraction which is enhanced because they share political viewpoints. In fact, their relationship began when Julia noticed Winston did not agree with the party in control. Whether she knew it or not, she was searching for someone to share her feelings with. Julia says, ‘I don't like obeying the rules, I'm corrupt to the bone.’ Winston replies, ‘I am also corrupt to the bone. I don't believe in anything the party says either’ (156). Winston and Julia bond in their contempt for their common enemy.”)

The writer includes information about the characters’ upbringing. The description of background information provides insight and is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“ He grew up in a different era. His childhood was difficult as his mom disappeared when he was young. Winston remembers the past quite well. He recalls what life was like when The Inner Party was not in control. Presently, Winston works at the Ministry of Truth. At work, he can control what the newspeak gives out, and add anything he wants, as long as it is in the best interest of the Inner-Party members. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details that support his/her controlling idea. (“Whether she knew it or not, she was searching for someone to share her feelings with. Julia says, ‘I don't like obeying the rules, I'm corrupt to the bone.’ Winston replies, ‘I am also corrupt to the bone. I don't believe in anything the party says either’ (156). Winston and Julia bond in their contempt for their common enemy. Their passion for each other is strengthened by their political ardor. To be sure, Winston and Julia both dislike The Inner Party and despise living under its control.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main characters) from the text. Chosen quotations are generally relevant and help further the idea that the writer is trying to convey. (“At work, he can control what the newspeak gives out, and add anything he wants, as long as it is in the best interest of the Inner-Party members. For example he wrote ‘Our forces in South India have won a glorious victory. I am authorized to say what the action we are now reporting may well bring war within measurable distance of its end’ (25).”)

The writer develops each idea in the essay adequately and devotes an equal amount of detail to each character in his/her comparison. There are few, if any, ideas mentioned that are not fully developed. (“ He wants to scream the truth to everyone, ‘Their is no War!!’ But he can't because The Inner Party would kill him. In contrast, Julia doesn't remember a time when The Inner Party was not in charge. She doesn't recall the past much at all. Her life experience seems to be lacking depth and brevity. She rambles on about what is happening currently and how she is in involved in community service. ‘Can't you remember anything from before the war?’ asked Winston. Julia replied, ‘No, I didn't really pay attention to the outer world.’ (129).”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay, but the grouping of ideas is occasionally inconsistent.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“Imagine a crazy story of power, control, and love. ‘1984’ is a story about a man named Winston Smith. He is an average 39 year old guy with a slight build. The other main character is Julia. She is a pretty, young woman who is 26 years old. In the tale, these two characters, who are physical opposites, are attracted to each other. ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices from the MY Access! Word Bank are needed to connect ideas more effectively. (“In the first place, Winston and Julia have notable differences. Winston is 13 years older than Julia. He grew up in a different era. His childhood was difficult as his mom disappeared when he was young. Winston remembers the past quite well. He recalls what life was like when The Inner Party was not in control. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. The writer provides closure for his/her argument and reiterates the main ideas of the essay. A more effective conclusion would leave readers with a final thought to take away from the essay. (“This connection brought them together. This bond along with their physical attraction fueled their love. Their relationship portrays how two people can find love and companionship despite age differences and disparity in physical beauty. Indeed, Winston and Julia's love was as strong as their political zeal. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, and the essay includes a mix of complex and simple sentences. (“His childhood was difficult as his mom disappeared when he was young. Winston remembers the past quite well. He recalls what life was like when The Inner Party was not in control. Presently, Winston works at the Ministry of Truth. At work, he can control what the newspeak gives out, and add anything he wants, as long as it is in the best interest of the Inner-Party members. ”)

The writer maintains a generally consistent voice throughout the essay that is appropriate for the intended audience and prompt task. (“Apparently, Julia made few, if any observations about her situation. She seemed oblivious to everything around her. Certainly, Winston and Julia have definite differences in age and experience. Next, Winston and Julia have striking similarities. They have a strong physical attraction which is enhanced because they share political viewpoints. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. However, more sophisticated language and consistent word choices would strengthen the essay. (“ What Winston had to write is all lies. He is forced to do this all the time. He wants to scream the truth to everyone, ‘Their is no War!!’ But he can't because The Inner Party would kill him. In contrast, Julia doesn't remember a time when The Inner Party was not in charge. She doesn't recall the past much at all. Her life experience seems to be lacking depth and brevity. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“In conclusion, Winston and Julia are two individuals who have considerable differences yet they share similar political philosophies. While their histories are not the same, as adults, they arrived at the same conclusion politically. This connection brought them together. This bond along with their physical attraction fueled their love. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In George Orwell's 1984 Winston and Julia are two people who meet each other and think that they can relate to each other in a society where nobody can freely express them self. They are both in fact very different in the point of views that they have. Winston is a person who was born before Big Brothers reign on his life and the people around him. Winston knows about many things that Julia does not even think of and why it was happening the way it was going on. In this story Winston is trying to find out more of the past Julia just likes being against the party for her own reasons, and Winston tries to confrom to the Big Brother government but has a hard time to because all the people of oceania are being told lies.

In the beginning of Winstons life he can remember the life with his mother and his younger sister and what had happened to them. Winston had had many dreams and even remember that day of his mothers disappearance very clearly and that it was all very sudden. In his dream he remembers that he had always begged for food and wanted the block of chocalate that his mother had given to his sister he had stolen the block out of his sisters hands and then ran away and walked the streets for a long time, than when he returned home he found out that his mother and sister were missing and that he did not know of what happened to them. In winstons thought he Knew that his motehr was probably taken away to the great cleanse of eradication of all the people. In his dreams winston can try to find out more of the past because he rembmers things that have happened to him.

Julia is a very attractive and young person who is in love with Winston after she passes a note to Winston in the hallway. When Julia is with Winston She tells him that she is not interested in the past and what the old times had because she thinks that everything is a lie and that thre was no use in believing anything from the Big Brother. She is confident in herself because she has been one of the best in the industry of spies and the ministries. Julia is very different from Winston because she has easily adpapted herself to her envireoment easily and gained a good reputation in the society. Winston on the other hand did not get good reputation. She is also smart in that she knows whom to trust and what to do when something is happening in the society.

Bothe the characters Winston and Julia are very different in their ideas but they both have very different skills. Winston not a very good person at hiding his emotions and Julia is an excellent actor. Winston is a person who yearns for the past while Julia does not have any concern for the past because she was never born from the past before big brother. Julia is a young person of only 26 while Winston is of an older age of 36. they are both very different because they have only one thing to relate and that was their sexual life and habits. they had both wanted that but they both had not wanted the same things politcal wise.

In the story Both Winston and Julia are very different and they both do very differnt things to try to fit into society and how to survive a society that is always after them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“In George Orwell's 1984 Winston and Julia are two people who meet each other and think that they can relate to each other in a society where nobody can freely express them self. They are both in fact very different in the point of views that they have.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some aspects of each character, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited. (“Julia is very different from Winston because she has easily adpapted herself to her envireoment easily and gained a good reputation in the society. Winston on the other hand did not get good reputation. She is also smart in that she knows whom to trust and what to do when something is happening in the society.”) The writer is vague in his/her descriptions and use of examples throughout the essay.

The writer focuses limited details on comparing and contrasting the two main characters. Instead, he/she makes generalizations and states some facts. (“Bothe the characters Winston and Julia are very different in their ideas but they both have very different skills. Winston not a very good person at hiding his emotions and Julia is an excellent actor. Winston is a person who yearns for the past while Julia does not have any concern for the past because she was never born from the past before big brother. Julia is a young person of only 26 while Winston is of an older age of 36. they are both very different because they have only one thing to relate and that was their sexual life and habits. they had both wanted that but they both had not wanted the same things politcal wise.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the characters, setting, ideas, and literary elements/techniques that connect the prompt task to the text. The included details are not specific and are typically not used to compare and contrast the two characters. (“Julia is a very attractive and young person who is in love with Winston after she passes a note to Winston in the hallway. When Julia is with Winston She tells him that she is not interested in the past and what the old times had because she thinks that everything is a lie and that thre was no use in believing anything from the Big Brother. She is confident in herself because she has been one of the best in the industry of spies and the ministries.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Julia is very different from Winston because she has easily adpapted herself to her envireoment easily and gained a good reputation in the society. Winston on the other hand did not get good reputation. She is also smart in that she knows whom to trust and what to do when something is happening in the society.”)

The writer does not develop his/her main ideas. Ideas are mentioned throughout the essay but are seldom developed further. (“Bothe the characters Winston and Julia are very different in their ideas but they both have very different skills. Winston not a very good person at hiding his emotions and Julia is an excellent actor. Winston is a person who yearns for the past while Julia does not have any concern for the past because she was never born from the past before big brother. Julia is a young person of only 26 while Winston is of an older age of 36. they are both very different because they have only one thing to relate and that was their sexual life and habits. they had both wanted that but they both had not wanted the same things politcal wise.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. However, the writer provides limited background information and does not effectively present the main ideas of the essay. (“In George Orwell's 1984 Winston and Julia are two people who meet each other and think that they can relate to each other in a society where nobody can freely express them self. They are both in fact very different in the point of views that they have.”)

There is limited evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ In the story Both Winston and Julia are very different and they both do very differnt things to try to fit into society and how to survive a society that is always after them." ) Using transitional devices (in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) helps the writer move from one main idea to the next in a coherent and logical way.

The conclusion only serves to repeat the thesis statement. It does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“In the story Both Winston and Julia are very different and they both do very differnt things to try to fit into society and how to survive a society that is always after them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the essay. The writer uses simple language, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but he/she relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ In his dream he remembers that he had always begged for food and wanted the block of chocalate that his mother had given to his sister he had stolen the block out of his sisters hands and then ran away and walked the streets for a long time, than when he returned home he found out that his mother and sister were missing and that he did not know of what happened to them. ”)

Many sentences in the essay have weak structure. The writer needs to use more careful and precise word choices. (“ Winston knows about many things that Julia does not even think of and why it was happening the way it was going on. In this story Winston is trying to find out more of the past Julia just likes being against the party for her own reasons, and Winston tries to confrom to the Big Brother government but has a hard time to because all the people of oceania are being told lies. ”)

The writer relies on simple sentences and does not include variety in sentence structure or complexity. (“Winston is a person who yearns for the past while Julia does not have any concern for the past because she was never born from the past before big brother. Julia is a young person of only 26 while Winston is of an older age of 36. they are both very different because they have only one thing to relate and that was their sexual life and habits. they had both wanted that but they both had not wanted the same things politcal wise.” )

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“In winstons thought he Knew that his motehr was probably taken away to the great cleanse of eradication of all the people. In his dreams winston can try to find out more of the past because he rembmers things that have happened to him.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

George Orwells 1984 was written in 1949. His story demonstrates his ablilty to be an effective peliticals writer who focused his attention on opposing to totaliatarism. He emphasizes the extrem measures that the government is able to take in order to keep control and power. In the novel 1984, thirty nine year old Winston Smith finds himself dealing with his feeling and hates. Winston is living in a lifestyle that is being run by a totalitarian government overnment in which he strongly believes is dumb, and does not want to live his life like that. The whole town is ruled under Big Brother. Everyone is constently being watched and they have to watch their every move. During the novel, Winston meets a twenty six year old women who named Julia. This freakeled faced girl agrees with Winston that the government is wrong, and should be changed. Together Julia and Winston both rebel against big Brother and are faced with many differences.

Both Winston Julia have similarity, but are also different in ways. the similarities that they both ahve in common are that they are both being going behind Big Brother, and doing wrong. They know they can get away with it, so they're still doing it. They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways.

Winston knows he is suppose to be living under a totalitar life style, but is by passing it all. He rebells against Big Brother by having a journal and writing, "Down with Big Brother." "Down with Big Brother," is a huge thought crime. By Winston saying that he is putting it out there that he does not like the way that the governmen is being ruled. He is going again the way that he is suppose to live, and is being very rebellious. If Big Brother were to find out about Winston, he would be killed. No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. He/she mentions the characters and the fact that they are different from one another. However, because of weak details, repetition, and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“The whole town is ruled under Big Brother. Everyone is constently being watched and they have to watch their every move. During the novel, Winston meets a twenty six year old women who named Julia. This freakeled faced girl agrees with Winston that the government is wrong, and should be changed. Together Julia and Winston both rebel against big Brother and are faced with many differences.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her ideas. The writer repeats central ideas rather than supporting/developing them. (“Both Winston Julia have similarity, but are also different in ways. the similarities that they both ahve in common are that they are both being going behind Big Brother, and doing wrong. They know they can get away with it, so they're still doing it. They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the characters of the novel and their relationship. The writer does not devote an equal amount of details to each of the characters being compared, and his/her comparison is limited as a result. (“By Winston saying that he is putting it out there that he does not like the way that the governmen is being ruled. He is going again the way that he is suppose to live, and is being very rebellious. If Big Brother were to find out about Winston, he would be killed. No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to compare and contrast the characters, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand Winston and Julia and their motivations. (“Winston knows he is suppose to be living under a totalitar life style, but is by passing it all. He rebells against Big Brother by having a journal and writing, ‘Down with Big Brother.’ ‘Down with Big Brother,’ is a huge thought crime. By Winston saying that he is putting it out there that he does not like the way that the governmen is being ruled. He is going again the way that he is suppose to live, and is being very rebellious.”)

Details from the text are not used to expand upon the writer’s main idea or the prompt task. The essay does not include any information about Julia. Instead, the writer solely focuses on Winston, which limits the writer's comparison of the two characters. (“By Winston saying that he is putting it out there that he does not like the way that the governmen is being ruled. He is going again the way that he is suppose to live, and is being very rebellious. If Big Brother were to find out about Winston, he would be killed. No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by”)

The writer neglects to develop his/her ideas, and instead uses the body paragraphs of the essay to repeat the main idea rather than support it with examples. (“Both Winston Julia have similarity, but are also different in ways. the similarities that they both ahve in common are that they are both being going behind Big Brother, and doing wrong. They know they can get away with it, so they're still doing it. They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways.”)

Organization

The writer provides an introduction that serves to provide background information and begins to formulate a main idea. However, the writer is very limited in his/her support of the main idea and does not adequately address the prompt requirements. (“George Orwells 1984 was written in 1949. His story demonstrates his ablilty to be an effective peliticals writer who focused his attention on opposing to totaliatarism. He emphasizes the extrem measures that the government is able to take in order to keep control and power. In the novel 1984, thirty nine year old Winston Smith finds himself dealing with his feeling and hates. Winston is living in a lifestyle that is being run by a totalitarian government overnment in which he strongly believes is dumb, and does not want to live his life like that.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the purpose of the essay. Also, transitions are not included within paragraphs and between sentences. (“They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways. Winston knows he is suppose to be living under a totalitar life style, but is by passing it all. He rebells against Big Brother by having a journal and writing, ‘Down with Big Brother.’”)

The essay does not include a conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. The writer concludes his/her response in the middle of a sentence. (“If Big Brother were to find out about Winston, he would be killed. No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Many of the sentences in the essay are simple in structure, and some sentences are either incomplete or improperly punctuated. (“ If Big Brother were to find out about Winston, he would be killed. No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are used in some of the sentences in the essay. (“ No one is suppose to think,say, or do bad against Big rother, and in winstons case, he is doing so, but is hidding it. Julia on the other hand rebells again Big Brother by ”)

There is repetition in the essay. (“ Both Winston Julia have similarity, but are also different in ways. the similarities that they both ahve in common are that they are both being going behind Big Brother, and doing wrong. They know they can get away with it, so they're still doing it. They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“Both Winston Julia have similarity, but are also different in ways. the similarities that they both ahve in common are that they are both being going behind Big Brother, and doing wrong. They know they can get away with it, so they're still doing it. They're differen because they rebell in deifferent ways. In the same aspect, their alike but similar in many ways.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To charasters come to be very known in the novel 1984 by George Orwell. The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences. Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia

winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she neglects to establish an analysis of the text and makes few or no connections with the prompt task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not reveal a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine the ideas and events the writer is trying to convey. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia ”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“To charasters come to be very known in the novel 1984 by George Orwell. The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are inadequate. The essay lacks effective development of ideas. There are no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the relationship between Winston and Julia through a comparison, but he/she does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences. Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support or elaborate on the central/controlling idea. (“To charasters come to be very known in the novel 1984 by George Orwell. The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences. Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“To charasters come to be very known in the novel 1984 by George Orwell. The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a conclusion. (“And both Winston and Julia winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences in the essay combine thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Already that they both don't like the party and Big Brother. winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ To charasters come to be very known in the novel 1984 by George Orwell. The main character Winstion Smith and Julia are characters that can relate with each other but they also have some diffrences. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and words are spelled correctly. (“winstion makes this more of an obbsetion and Julia just want to be herself and want to do what ever she wants. And both Winston and Julia winstion and julia have a simillarity of both not wanting to fallow Big Brother.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Character Development in The Canterbury Tales

"It seems a reasonable thing to say

What their condition was, the full array

Of each of them, as it appeared to me,

According to profession and degree"

In the Prologue to The Canterbury Tales , Geoffrey Chaucer describes in detail many of the characters who will accompany the narrator on his pilgrimage. While Chaucer uses these character sketches to describe the physical features and occupations of each character, he also illustrates how the characters behave and what role they play in society.

Think about these fellow travelers and the descriptions provided by Chaucer. Choose two characters and write an essay in which you compare and contrast these two characters. What does Chaucer say about their appearance, behavior, and role in medieval society?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales is, without a doubt, the highlight of the Medieval Era and the embodiment of the Middle Ages. Through the use of clever storytelling and witty imagery, Chaucer clearly conveys an image of the time period that is as realistic as it is descriptive. His wide array of epic tales, collected from characters of every ramification of Medieval society, furthers the descriptive nature that Chaucer presents; he offers incredible insight into life during the Middle Ages through his work. Even so, no two characters from the tale are more comparable than the Knight and the Squire. While the Knight, in his triumphant glory, is quite different from the Squire, who is certainly less experienced, there are similarities that arise from stark contrasts. Derived from similar occupations, both the Knight and the Squire are akin in theory yet different in personality.

Medieval society, at the time of Chaucer's writings, was plagued by severe ramifications of the European population; citizens were categorized in a wide variety of ways, ranging from middle-class nobles to feeble serfs. Nevertheless, it was the archetypal medieval knight that claimed the throne of dominance in society during the Middle Ages. Aside from the divine kings who ruled during much of the time period, knights were the pure embodiment of valorous ideals and chivalrous deeds in what came to be known as the feudal system. The Knight, as presented in Chaucer's prologue, holds true to these keen expectations. Hailing from the crème de la crème of all noble classes, the Knight is as honest and loyal to his duty as he is prominent in society. He is more distinguished from the other characters of the prologue in that he is the most modest and prideful. As Chaucer mentions, the Knight "first began to ride about the world, loved chivalry, truth, honor, freedom, and all courtesy." These simple words clearly epitomize the Knight's personal attributes, for he is presented by the author as what many would consider the "ideal" component of the Middle Ages.

The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. He is, in a sense, a more lackadaisical and apathetic counterpart to the stern and austere Knight. Whereas the Knight is unhesitating in the pursuit of his chivalrous commitments, the Squire is rash in enveloping himself in life while his years are still young. For instance, Chaucer mentions that the Squire can not only sing, but also write poetry and play music; the Squire's lack of seriousness is ultimately compensated by his ability to convey multiple talents. Moreover, the author portrays the Squire as a proclaimed "lady's man" who appears critical of his appearance when in the presence of others. This extra detail to exterior presentation provides a stark contrast to the physical attributes of the Knight, who seems to care little for the multiple imperfections that riddle his rust-encrusted armor.

Despite these differences, the Knight and the Squire can be quite similar in actuality. For example, the occupation of the Knight and the Squire are one of the same, since they are, in essence, identical. However, the Squire can only be considered a knight-in-training, for he cannot be designated a true Knight due to medieval expectations and standards. Nonetheless, both characters exhibit similar qualities that distinguish their similarities, such as the knowledge of chivalry and the art of combat. These resemblances, then, provide the basis by which these two characters can be classified under common ground. In light of their different personalities, they are both still responsible for the upholding of feudal society.

Hence, Chaucer's characters, as presented in the context of The Canterbury Tales, are often more similar than expected. In a classic case, the Knight and the Squire are easily compared through their myriad traits and attributes, those of which set the bar that ultimately distinguishes the two from each other. It is with unparalleled certainty that the key differences in personal behaviors contribute to the overall idea of variation within Chaucer's story. Both the Knight and the Squire hold vast differences as well as similarities; and it is this assortment of variety that makes the two characters unique in their own sense.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay very effectively conveys focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales is, without a doubt, the highlight of the Medieval Era and the embodiment of the Middle Ages. Through the use of clever storytelling and witty imagery, Chaucer clearly conveys an image of the time period that is as realistic as it is descriptive. His wide array of epic tales, collected from characters of every ramification of Medieval society, furthers the descriptive nature that Chaucer presents; he offers incredible insight into life during the Middle Ages through his work. Even so, no two characters from the tale are more comparable than the Knight and the Squire. While the Knight, in his triumphant glory, is quite different from the Squire, who is certainly less experienced, there are similarities that arise from stark contrasts. Derived from similar occupations, both the Knight and the Squire are akin in theory yet different in personality.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. He is, in a sense, a more lackadaisical and apathetic counterpart to the stern and austere Knight. Whereas the Knight is unhesitating in the pursuit of his chivalrous commitments, the Squire is rash in enveloping himself in life while his years are still young. For instance, Chaucer mentions that the Squire can not only sing, but also write poetry and play music; the Squire's lack of seriousness is ultimately compensated by his ability to convey multiple talents. Moreover, the author portrays the Squire as a proclaimed ‘lady's man’ who appears critical of his appearance when in the presence of others. This extra detail to exterior presentation provides a stark contrast to the physical attributes of the Knight, who seems to care little for the multiple imperfections that riddle his rust-encrusted armor.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. He is, in a sense, a more lackadaisical and apathetic counterpart to the stern and austere Knight. Whereas the Knight is unhesitating in the pursuit of his chivalrous commitments, the Squire is rash in enveloping himself in life while his years are still young. For instance, Chaucer mentions that the Squire can not only sing, but also write poetry and play music; the Squire's lack of seriousness is ultimately compensated by his ability to convey multiple talents.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are featured in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales .

The essay includes details regarding specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Medieval society, at the time of Chaucer's writings, was plagued by severe ramifications of the European population; citizens were categorized in a wide variety of ways, ranging from middle-class nobles to feeble serfs. Nevertheless, it was the archetypal medieval knight that claimed the throne of dominance in society during the Middle Ages. Aside from the divine kings who ruled during much of the time period, knights were the pure embodiment of valorous ideals and chivalrous deeds in what came to be known as the feudal system. The Knight, as presented in Chaucer's prologue, holds true to these keen expectations. Hailing from the crème de la crème of all noble classes, the Knight is as honest and loyal to his duty as he is prominent in society. He is more distinguished from the other characters of the prologue in that he is the most modest and prideful.”)

The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“As Chaucer mentions, the Knight ‘first began to ride about the world, loved chivalry, truth, honor, freedom, and all courtesy.’ These simple words clearly epitomize the Knight's personal attributes, for he is presented by the author as what many would consider the ‘ideal’ component of the Middle Ages.”)

The content in the body paragraphs include a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. He is, in a sense, a more lackadaisical and apathetic counterpart to the stern and austere Knight. Whereas the Knight is unhesitating in the pursuit of his chivalrous commitments, the Squire is rash in enveloping himself in life while his years are still young. For instance, Chaucer mentions that the Squire can not only sing, but also write poetry and play music; the Squire's lack of seriousness is ultimately compensated by his ability to convey multiple talents. Moreover, the author portrays the Squire as a proclaimed ‘lady's man’ who appears critical of his appearance when in the presence of others. This extra detail to exterior presentation provides a stark contrast to the physical attributes of the Knight, who seems to care little for the multiple imperfections that riddle his rust-encrusted armor.”)

Organization

This literary essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ Derived from similar occupations, both the Knight and the Squire are akin in theory yet different in personality.”)

The introduction provides very effective information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“ Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales is, without a doubt, the highlight of the Medieval Era and the embodiment of the Middle Ages. Through the use of clever storytelling and witty imagery, Chaucer clearly conveys an image of the time period that is as realistic as it is descriptive. His wide array of epic tales, collected from characters of every ramification of Medieval society, furthers the descriptive nature that Chaucer presents; he offers incredible insight into life during the Middle Ages through his work. Even so, no two characters from the tale are more comparable than the Knight and the Squire. While the Knight, in his triumphant glory, is quite different from the Squire, who is certainly less experienced, there are similarities that arise from stark contrasts. Derived from similar occupations, both the Knight and the Squire are akin in theory yet different in personality.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. …Despite these differences, the Knight and the Squire can be quite similar in actuality.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ Hence, Chaucer's characters, as presented in the context of The Canterbury Tales, are often more similar than expected. In a classic case, the Knight and the Squire are easily compared through their myriad traits and attributes, those of which set the bar that ultimately distinguishes the two from each other. It is with unparalleled certainty that the key differences in personal behaviors contribute to the overall idea of variation within Chaucer's story. Both the Knight and the Squire hold vast differences as well as similarities; and it is this assortment of variety that makes the two characters unique in their own sense.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are presented in the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of advanced language and a knowledgeable and informative tone. (“ Hence, Chaucer's characters, as presented in the context of The Canterbury Tales, are often more similar than expected. In a classic case, the Knight and the Squire are easily compared through their myriad traits and attributes, those of which set the bar that ultimately distinguishes the two from each other. It is with unparalleled certainty that the key differences in personal behaviors contribute to the overall idea of variation within Chaucer's story. Both the Knight and the Squire hold vast differences as well as similarities; and it is this assortment of variety that makes the two characters unique in their own sense.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ Medieval society, at the time of Chaucer's writings, was plagued by severe ramifications of the European population; citizens were categorized in a wide variety of ways, ranging from middle-class nobles to feeble serfs. Nevertheless, it was the archetypal medieval knight that claimed the throne of dominance in society during the Middle Ages. Aside from the divine kings who ruled during much of the time period, knights were the pure embodiment of valorous ideals and chivalrous deeds in what came to be known as the feudal system. The Knight, as presented in Chaucer's prologue, holds true to these keen expectations. Hailing from the crème de la crème of all noble classes, the Knight is as honest and loyal to his duty as he is prominent in society. He is more distinguished from the other characters of the prologue in that he is the most modest and prideful. As Chaucer mentions, the Knight ‘first began to ride about the world, loved chivalry, truth, honor, freedom, and all courtesy.’ These simple words clearly epitomize the Knight's personal attributes, for he is presented by the author as what many would consider the ‘ideal’ component of the Middle Ages. …The Squire, on the other hand, appears to be less geared towards his duties and more concentrated towards his own personal desires. He is, in a sense, a more lackadaisical and apathetic counterpart to the stern and austere Knight. Whereas the Knight is unhesitating in the pursuit of his chivalrous commitments, the Squire is rash in enveloping himself in life while his years are still young. For instance, Chaucer mentions that the Squire can not only sing, but also write poetry and play music; the Squire's lack of seriousness is ultimately compensated by his ability to convey multiple talents. Moreover, the author portrays the Squire as a proclaimed ‘lady's man’ who appears critical of his appearance when in the presence of others. This extra detail to exterior presentation provides a stark contrast to the physical attributes of the Knight, who seems to care little for the multiple imperfections that riddle his rust-encrusted armor.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ While the Knight, in his triumphant glory, is quite different from the Squire, who is certainly less experienced, there are similarities that arise from stark contrasts.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is found in the sample essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ This extra detail to exterior presentation provides a stark contrast to the physical attributes of the Knight, who seems to care little for the multiple imperfections that riddle his rust-encrusted armor.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, there are many characters in the story that could relate to our society now. In the story, there are many prominent characters that carry out their occupation very well regardless of if it is in the Middle Ages or in our century. This tale talks about the journey of twenty-seven pilgrims going on an adventure to Thomas Becket's cathedral telling stories over there and back. These characters that might be judged as a potential antagonist or protagonist, it depends on how the narrator describes them. For example, the Monk and the Parson both have some certain similarities and differences. By those two characters, it would be a good comparison of who is the better man that works with God.

The Parson is described as a very dedicated, hard-working, and true man. Compared to the Monk, the Parson has a different personality and demeanor. He is the only devoted churchman in the Canterbury Tales as he lives in poverty. However in his thoughts he thinks positive as if he is prosperous. He is very similar to a pastor, preaches the Gospel and practices what he preaches and does good deeds. The narrator says, "That first he wrought, and afterward he taught; and it was from the Gospel he had caught;" that proves that he is a man who is loyal to their morality and beliefs. He is essentially everything that the Monk or any profession-related characters that are comparable to the Parson are not. In other words he is the only one who is a true righteous religious man.

The Monk is determined supposedly as the man of the church and to devote their lives to working and praying. The Monk lives in monasteries which demand for the Monk's loyalty towards the church, but there is one feature that he differs from the Parson; he doesn't make much commitment with the church as much as the Parson. As this quote says, "He let go by the things of yesterday and took modern world's more spacious way; he did not rate that text at a plucked hen." This means that hunters are not holy men, it does not seem to fit in his character of stature. The Monk prefers to put dedication into hunting and eating. His physical appearance is a large loud man who likes to be well-dressed with fur clothing. He is much different from the Parson. Assuming he is the kind of person that enjoys living in luxury which points to him as not the holy man kind of figure.

The only similarity the Parson and the Monk have is their profession of being involved with the church. They may seem to have the same job but in their minds they think and want different things. By the way the Parson was narrating, he is most likely the most holy man figured because of his devotion and true self. The Parson is obviously the only one that could fit in this proper category but the Monk is still meant to serve the same purpose as the Parson. Even though the Monk isn't as loyal as the Parson, he is still in the Rule of St. Benet or St. Maur.

The two characters are examples of our society's religious men in our church despite their principles back then, they are now a little different. Chaucer points out that the role of these two men serve God and may help those in need of prayer. Most of us would look up to the Parson for the perfect man to be involved with, not like the Monk's character. The two characters were mostly mentioned in this story because the medieval society was corrupt, so they had the Parson or the Monk to seek aid.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are expressed in the essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in The Canterbury Tales , and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ The two characters are examples of our society's religious men in our church despite their principles back then, they are now a little different. Chaucer points out that the role of these two men serve God and may help those in need of prayer. Most of us would look up to the Parson for the perfect man to be involved with, not like the Monk's character. The two characters were mostly mentioned in this story because the medieval society was corrupt, so they had the Parson or the Monk to seek aid.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The only similarity the Parson and the Monk have is their profession of being involved with the church. They may seem to have the same job but in their minds they think and want different things. By the way the Parson was narrating, he is most likely the most holy man figured because of his devotion and true self. The Parson is obviously the only one that could fit in this proper category but the Monk is still meant to serve the same purpose as the Parson. Even though the Monk isn't as loyal as the Parson, he is still in the Rule of St. Benet or St. Maur.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ The only similarity the Parson and the Monk have is their profession of being involved with the church. They may seem to have the same job but in their minds they think and want different things. By the way the Parson was narrating, he is most likely the most holy man figured because of his devotion and true self. The Parson is obviously the only one that could fit in this proper category but the Monk is still meant to serve the same purpose as the Parson. Even though the Monk isn't as loyal as the Parson, he is still in the Rule of St. Benet or St. Maur.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“The Parson is described as a very dedicated, hard-working, and true man. Compared to the Monk, the Parson has a different personality and demeanor. He is the only devoted churchman in the Canterbury Tales as he lives in poverty. However in his thoughts he thinks positive as if he is prosperous. He is very similar to a pastor, preaches the Gospel and practices what he preaches and does good deeds. The narrator says, ‘That first he wrought, and afterward he taught; and it was from the Gospel he had caught’ that proves that he is a man who is loyal to their morality and beliefs. He is essentially everything that the Monk or any profession-related characters that are comparable to the Parson are not. In other words he is the only one who is a true righteous religious man.”)

The essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The Monk is determined supposedly as the man of the church and to devote their lives to working and praying. The Monk lives in monasteries which demand for the Monk's loyalty towards the church, but there is one feature that he differs from the Parson; he doesn't make much commitment with the church as much as the Parson. As this quote says, ‘He let go by the things of yesterday and took modern world's more spacious way; he did not rate that text at a plucked hen.’ This means that hunters are not holy men, it does not seem to fit in his character of stature. The Monk prefers to put dedication into hunting and eating. His physical appearance is a large loud man who likes to be well-dressed with fur clothing. He is much different from the Parson. Assuming he is the kind of person that enjoys living in luxury which points to him as not the holy man kind of figure.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The Monk is determined supposedly as the man of the church and to devote their lives to working and praying. The Monk lives in monasteries which demand for the Monk's loyalty towards the church, but there is one feature that he differs from the Parson; he doesn't make much commitment with the church as much as the Parson. As this quote says, ‘He let go by the things of yesterday and took modern world's more spacious way; he did not rate that text at a plucked hen.’ This means that hunters are not holy men, it does not seem to fit in his character of stature. The Monk prefers to put dedication into hunting and eating. His physical appearance is a large loud man who likes to be well-dressed with fur clothing. He is much different from the Parson. Assuming he is the kind of person that enjoys living in luxury which points to him as not the holy man kind of figure.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in the essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ In Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, there are many characters in the story that could relate to our society now. In the story, there are many prominent characters that carry out their occupation very well regardless of if it is in the Middle Ages or in our century. This tale talks about the journey of twenty-seven pilgrims going on an adventure to Thomas Becket's cathedral telling stories over there and back. These characters that might be judged as a potential antagonist or protagonist, it depends on how the narrator describes them. For example, the Monk and the Parson both have some certain similarities and differences. By those two characters, it would be a good comparison of who is the better man that works with God.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ However in his thoughts he thinks positive as if he is prosperous.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“ The two characters are examples of our society's religious men in our church despite their principles back then, they are now a little different. Chaucer points out that the role of these two men serve God and may help those in need of prayer. Most of us would look up to the Parson for the perfect man to be involved with, not like the Monk's character. The two characters were mostly mentioned in this story because the medieval society was corrupt, so they had the Parson or the Monk to seek aid.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also seen.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ The only similarity the Parson and the Monk have is their profession of being involved with the church. They may seem to have the same job but in their minds they think and want different things. By the way the Parson was narrating, he is most likely the most holy man figured because of his devotion and true self. The Parson is obviously the only one that could fit in this proper category but the Monk is still meant to serve the same purpose as the Parson. Even though the Monk isn't as loyal as the Parson, he is still in the Rule of St. Benet or St. Maur.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first and second body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ The Parson is described as a very dedicating, hard-working, and true man. Compared to the Monk, the Parson has a different personality and demeanor. He is the only devoted churchman in the Canterbury Tales as he lives in poverty. However in his thoughts he thinks positive as if he is prosperous. He is very similar to a pastor, preaches the Gospel and practices what he preaches and does good deeds. The narrator says, ‘That first he wrought, and afterward he taught; and it was from the Gospel he had caught’ that proves that he is a man who is loyal to their morality and beliefs. He is essentially everything that the Monk or any profession-related characters that are comparable to the Parson are not. In other words he is the only one who is a true righteous religious man. …The Monk is determined supposedly as the man of the church and to devote their lives to working and praying. The Monk lives in monasteries which demand for the Monk's loyalty towards the church, but there is one feature that he differs from the Parson; he doesn't make much commitment with the church as much as the Parson. As this quote says, ‘He let go by the things of yesterday and took modern world's more spacious way; he did not rate that text at a plucked hen.’ This means that hunters are not holy men, it does not seem to fit in his character of stature. The Monk prefers to put dedication into hunting and eating. His physical appearance is a large loud man who likes to be well-dressed with fur clothing. He is much different from the Parson. Assuming he is the kind of person that enjoys living in luxury which points to him as not the holy man kind of figure.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ The two characters were mostly mentioned in this story because the medieval society was corrupt, so they had the Parson or the Monk to seek aid.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ He is essentially everything that the Monk or any profession-related characters that are comparable to the Parson are not. In other words he is the only one who is a true righteous religious man.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, there are plenty of characters. The Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are two very interesting characters that can be compared and contrasted. Their appearances, social classes, and actions may reveal many things about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner.

The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness. So, he could not have much luck with the ladies. Because of this, he was not a very romantic person. The difference in appearances between the two, seem to depict them as different kinds of people.

When it comes to their social classes, they also, are different. One aspect, is the Wife of Bath is in the middle class. Because of this, she has some or little power in her town. So, she was well known, but only in her town. On the other hand, the Pardoner was in the Clergy. Therefore he had more power than the Wife of Bath because he is a part of the church. So, he is probably well known all around. The differences in their social classes tell us who is more known.

But, when it comes to their deeds, they are much alike. For instance, the Wife of Bath is known for all the wrong reasons. Her actions tell us that she gets around a lot. Therefore, her reputation tells us that she is a naughty girl. Like the Wife of Bath, the Pardoner is also known for all the wrong reasons. He told us himself that he is guilty of all of the seven deadly sins. Therefore his reputation tells us that he too, is a bad man, just not in a sexual way. So, both of their actions are bad, different, but none the less, bad.

Even though they are different, they are similar as well. Many things may tell us about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner, such as: their appearances, their social classes, their and their actions. Chaucer's characters in The CanterburyTales are very unique.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are presented in the essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in The Canterbury Tales , and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness. So, he could not have much luck with the ladies. Because of this, he was not a very romantic person. The difference in appearances between the two, seem to depict them as different kinds of people.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing, with the first two body paragraphs focusing on the differences between the two characters before moving onto similarities. (“The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness. So, he could not have much luck with the ladies. Because of this, he was not a very romantic person. The difference in appearances between the two, seem to depict them as different kinds of people. …When it comes to their social classes, they also, are different. One aspect, is the Wife of Bath is in the middle class. Because of this, she has some or little power in her town. So, she was well known, but only in her town. On the other hand, the Pardoner was in the Clergy. Therefore he had more power than the Wife of Bath because he is a part of the church. So, he is probably well known all around. The differences in their social classes tell us who is more known.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“When it comes to their social classes, they also, are different. One aspect, is the Wife of Bath is in the middle class. Because of this, she has some or little power in her town. So, she was well known, but only in her town. On the other hand, the Pardoner was in the Clergy. Therefore he had more power than the Wife of Bath because he is a part of the church. So, he is probably well known all around. The differences in their social classes tell us who is more known.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are adequate in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness. So, he could not have much luck with the ladies. Because of this, he was not a very romantic person. The difference in appearances between the two, seem to depict them as different kinds of people.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness. So, he could not have much luck with the ladies. Because of this, he was not a very romantic person. The difference in appearances between the two, seem to depict them as different kinds of people.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“When it comes to their social classes, they also, are different. One aspect, is the Wife of Bath is in the middle class. Because of this, she has some or little power in her town. So, she was well known, but only in her town. On the other hand, the Pardoner was in the Clergy. Therefore he had more power than the Wife of Bath because he is a part of the church. So, he is probably well known all around. The differences in their social classes tell us who is more known.”)

Organization

The essay shows evidence of adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ Their appearances, social classes, and actions may reveal many things about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ When it comes to their social classes, they also, are different. …But, when it comes to their deeds, they are much alike. …Even though they are different, they are similar as well.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ Even though they are different, they are similar as well. Many things may tell us about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner, such as: their appearances, their social classes, their and their actions. Chaucer's characters in The CanterburyTales are very unique.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is exhibited throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The appearances of the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are quite diverse. For example, the Wife of Bath had features that, at the time, were considered features of beauty. So, she would use these features to get more men as husbands. Therefore, she would be considered as a devious person. The Pardoner, on the other hand, had no such luck with his attractiveness.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “compared,” “contrasted,” and “appearances” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ The Wife of Bath and the Pardoner are two very interesting characters that can be compared and contrasted. Their appearances, social classes, and actions may reveal many things about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the term “bad” is repeated throughout the third body paragraph. (“ Therefore his reputation tells us that he too, is a bad man, just not in a sexual way. So, both of their actions are bad, different, but none the less, bad.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is shown. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Even though they are different, they are similar as well. Many things may tell us about the Wife of Bath and the Pardoner, such as: their appearances, their social classes, their and their actions. Chaucer's characters in The CanterburyTales are very unique.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout time numerous amounts of storys have been created over the last 100 years. The all wanted to protray the lives of the knight and pardoner. These two characters are the most different and similar to the character traits of hero aganist villan. Comparing and contrasting the pardoners traits and knights are totally different.

The characteristics of the kinght are heroic containing bravery, experienced in battle and noble. Showing their noblity they would never fight an oppenent. Told in medevil movies and stories they were pictured as dragon fighters, defenders of the king and would defend anyone in trouble.The knight in Canterbury Tales is one of the more honorable characters. He has set out on this journey to protect his group. Being named knight has brought this character into the light making him noticable. The knight will always live by the noble code protecting and serveing good.

The Pardoner is a totally different character. He lives his life like a normal person but sells relics. In the pardoner's tale he tells everyone that he is only in this business for money and nothing else. The pardoner is on this journey to make money for himself compared to the knight he is not noble at all. These different tales show us how different people really are, from the inside. Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay presents a limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales , and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Throughout time numerous amounts of storys have been created over the last 100 years. The all wanted to protray the lives of the knight and pardoner. These two characters are the most different and similar to the character traits of hero aganist villan. Comparing and contrasting the pardoners traits and knights are totally different.”)

This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The characteristics of the kinght are heroic containing bravery, experienced in battle and noble. Showing their noblity they would never fight an oppenent. Told in medevil movies and stories they were pictured as dragon fighters, defenders of the king and would defend anyone in trouble.The knight in Canterbury Tales is one of the more honorable characters. He has set out on this journey to protect his group. Being named knight has brought this character into the light making him noticable. The knight will always live by the noble code protecting and serveing good.”)

The essay only includes limited details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The Pardoner is a totally different character. He lives his life like a normal person but sells relics. In the pardoner's tale he tells everyone that he is only in this business for money and nothing else. The pardoner is on this journey to make money for himself compared to the knight he is not noble at all. These different tales show us how different people really are, from the inside. Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together”)

Content & Development

The essay consists of limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The Pardoner is a totally different character. He lives his life like a normal person but sells relics. In the pardoner's tale he tells everyone that he is only in this business for money and nothing else. The pardoner is on this journey to make money for himself compared to the knight he is not noble at all. These different tales show us how different people really are, from the inside. Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The characteristics of the kinght are heroic containing bravery, experienced in battle and noble. Showing their noblity they would never fight an oppenent. Told in medevil movies and stories they were pictured as dragon fighters, defenders of the king and would defend anyone in trouble.The knight in Canterbury Tales is one of the more honorable characters. He has set out on this journey to protect his group. Being named knight has brought this character into the light making him noticable. The knight will always live by the noble code protecting and serveing good.”)

The writer does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The Pardoner is a totally different character. He lives his life like a normal person but sells relics. In the pardoner's tale he tells everyone that he is only in this business for money and nothing else. The pardoner is on this journey to make money for himself compared to the knight he is not noble at all. These different tales show us how different people really are, from the inside. Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together”)

Organization

Limited organization is detected in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing as well as some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ Throughout time numerous amounts of storys have been created over the last 100 years. The all wanted to protray the lives of the knight and pardoner. These two characters are the most different and similar to the character traits of hero aganist villan. Comparing and contrasting the pardoners traits and knights are totally different.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Comparing and contrasting the pardoners traits and knights are totally different.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ The characteristics of the kinght are heroic containing bravery, experienced in battle and noble. …The Pardoner is a totally different character.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ The pardoner is on this journey to make money for himself compared to the knight he is not noble at all.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together”)

Transitions are needed. (“ The characteristics of the kinght are heroic containing bravery, experienced in battle and noble. …The Pardoner is a totally different character.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Throughout time numerous amounts of storys have been created over the last 100 years. The all wanted to protray the lives of the knight and pardoner. …Greedy people to the noble ones there are may traits that bring them apart and together”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In "The Canterbuty tales" it showed many people and how they are. Their actions, the way they dress, and how they live. Many had different obligations, many cared about someone, and others did not. I would like to write about the Knight and Skipper. Because they are two very different people, and the ways of actions are also very different.

The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are exhibited in the essay. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea related to comparing and contrasting characters in The Canterbury Tales .

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In ‘The Canterbuty tales’ it showed many people and how they are. Their actions, the way they dress, and how they live. Many had different obligations, many cared about someone, and others did not. I would like to write about the Knight and Skipper. Because they are two very different people, and the ways of actions are also very different.”)

The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development make up the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“I would like to write about the Knight and Skipper. Because they are two very different people, and the ways of actions are also very different. …The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

Organization

The essay is minimally organized. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ In ‘The Canterbuty tales’ it showed many people and how they are.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ Because they are two very different people, and the ways of actions are also very different. …The Knight was a most ditinguished man.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ In ‘The Canterbuty tales’ it showed many people and how they are. Their actions, the way they dress, and how they live.”)

Exact words are missing, as seen in the following fragment: “ Their actions, the way they dress, and how they live.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control over the proper use of mechanics and conventions is minimal. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“The Knight was a most ditinguished man.Who from the day on which he first began to ride chivalry, truth, honor , generousness, and courtesy. He was not afraid to began a new day, he would not give up for no reason while he was in battle, he wasn't afraid to put his life at risk for any reason.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this brief essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The writer does not state the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are contained in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay does not include literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e.; allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is shown in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no evidence of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay conveys inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, or end with a punctuation mark. (“Plowman and the Reeve are the two people i'm going to compare. The Plowman is the person who wants to make lots of money but will work for it and not try to steal or cheat his way. Also he is spiritual and generous, meanwhile the Reeve is a stealer, liar, and doesn't care to hurt anyone.i think the Plowman is a better person.”)

Choice Made by a Literary Character

Life is ultimately about choices. Consider the choices made by characters in books you have read. Select a choice made by a character whom you believe to have been especially important.

In a multi-paragraph essay, write about what you consider to be an important choice made by a literary character in a work of fiction. Explain what motivated that character to make the choice he/she did, how that choice affected that character, and how that choice affected others around him/her. Include references from the literary work to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Choices and Their Consequences

A choice is a carefully thought through decision usually with an intent to better an individual. In the novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, the main character, Elizabeth, is faced with many difficult choices that cause her anxiety and even grief. The manner in which she handles these situations helps to define who she is and determine the result of her future. One of Elizabeth’s greatest troubles pertains to whom she is to marry. It is acceptable to make a wrong decision and change one’s mind at a later point. Elizabeth does just that, as she forms a strong ill-opinion of Darcy, declines his initial proposal, and discovers her misjudgment of his character.

Elizabeth’s interaction with Mr. Darcy at the beginning of the novel is unpleasant and discouraging to her self-confidence. Moreover, at the ball when the two first meet, Mr. Darcy announces to Mr. Bingley that “[Elizabeth] is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt [him],” thereby expressing his disapproval of her (11). He is motivated to form this strong opposed opinion of her based off of her looks and social class. Darcy is too prideful to accept anyone of a lower status as his acquaintance. Thus, Elizabeth is affected emotionally by this statement, suggesting “[she can] easily forgive his pride if he [does] no [mortify hers]” and embarrass her again like this (18). Mr. Darcy’s lack of consideration for other individual’s feelings is unacceptable. Elizabeth does not think poorly of him until he attacks her verbally, putting her family to shame. Not just Elizabeth, but all of the Bennets are being degraded by his rude slanders.

Through time, the awful relationship between the two opposite personalities seems to change. Surprisingly, Mr. Darcy believes Elizabeth has a connection with him and he proposes that “[he admires] and loves [her]” and asks for her hand in marriage (181). His choice in selecting Elizabeth is astounding, for he is expected to marry a lady based off of her wealth she will acquire. His disregard for following other’s advice says a lot about him in that he feels love is more important than fortune. Elizabeth matches him, for she is similar in believing that concept of love. However, his offensive actions persuade Elizabeth to feel “that [he is] the last man in the world whom [she] could ever be prevailed on to marry” because he disturbs her sister’s engagement and treats Mr. Wickham poorly (185). In Elizabeth’s eyes, Mr. Darcy has hurt everyone she knows so she would never choose to be even remotely associated with him. Elizabeth carefully configures prejudices upon meeting Mr. Darcy and will not remove them for any reason. She does not see him in any light of amiable quality because of how he negatively affects those around him.

When Elizabeth visits Darcy’s estate, she is taken back, and becomes a little jealous. Naturally, she notices “that at that moment she [feels] that to be mistress of Pemberley might be something” of extreme prestige (233). She is astonished at the grand house and at this time Elizabeth regrets her choice to decline Mr. Darcy because she may never get a second chance with him. This sudden desire for property is selfish and unrelated to her feelings towards its master. When she hears words of praise about him from his house servant, she is grateful that Mr. Darcy “[loves] her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner” in judging him (252). At once, Elizabeth on her own is able to focus on his impressive qualities and look past her original opinions. Her attention is drawn to her faults in accusing Mr. Darcy of wrongful things. She chooses to blame herself and forgive him, bringing forth aspire-able traits in both of them.

Clearly, the struggling relationship between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is a direct result from their choices of behavior towards each other. Their hate for one another that evolves into inseparable love has an effect on all those they talk to. A valuable theme is taught throughout the book, persuading against acting hubris and forming initial judgments. The title explains a lot about how the characters act before they mature and choose to get to know who people are inside. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy certainly make a great couple once they strive to obtain the right motivations in their attitude and see how their choices affect themselves, as well as others.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning can be seen in this essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements and/or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“His choice in selecting Elizabeth is astounding, for he is expected to marry a lady based off of her wealth she will acquire. His disregard for following other’s advice says a lot about him in that he feels love is more important than fortune. Elizabeth matches him, for she is similar in believing that concept of love. However, his offensive actions persuade Elizabeth to feel ‘that [he is] the last man in the world whom [she] could ever be prevailed on to marry’ because he disturbs her sister’s engagement and treats Mr. Wickham poorly (185). In Elizabeth’s eyes, Mr. Darcy has hurt everyone she knows so she would never choose to be even remotely associated with him. Elizabeth carefully configures prejudices upon meeting Mr. Darcy and will not remove them for any reason.”)

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Thus, Elizabeth is affected emotionally by this statement, suggesting ‘[she can] easily forgive his pride if he [does] no [mortify hers]’ and embarrass her again like this (18). Mr. Darcy’s lack of consideration for other individual’s feelings is unacceptable. Elizabeth does not think poorly of him until he attacks her verbally, putting her family to shame.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ In the novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, the main character, Elizabeth, is faced with many difficult choices that cause her anxiety and even grief. The manner in which she handles these situations helps to define who she is and determine the result of her future…When Elizabeth visits Darcy’s estate, she is taken back, and becomes a little jealous. Naturally, she notices ‘that at that moment she [feels] that to be mistress of Pemberley might be something’ of extreme prestige (233). She is astonished at the grand house and at this time Elizabeth regrets her choice to decline Mr. Darcy because she may never get a second chance with him. This sudden desire for property is selfish and unrelated to her feelings towards its master. When she hears words of praise about him from his house servant, she is grateful that Mr. Darcy ‘[loves] her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner’ in judging him (252).”)

Content & Development

The essay models very effective content and development. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Surprisingly, Mr. Darcy believes Elizabeth has a connection with him and he proposes that ‘[he admires] and loves [her]’ and asks for her hand in marriage (181). His choice in selecting Elizabeth is astounding, for he is expected to marry a lady based off of her wealth she will acquire. His disregard for following other’s advice says a lot about him in that he feels love is more important than fortune. Elizabeth matches him, for she is similar in believing that concept of love.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. In particular, the writer discusses the character of Elizabeth and her opinions about, and feelings for, Mr. Darcy. (“However, his offensive actions persuade Elizabeth to feel ‘that [he is] the last man in the world whom [she] could ever be prevailed on to marry’ because he disturbs her sister’s engagement and treats Mr. Wickham poorly (185). In Elizabeth’s eyes, Mr. Darcy has hurt everyone she knows so she would never choose to be even remotely associated with him. Elizabeth carefully configures prejudices upon meeting Mr. Darcy and will not remove them for any reason. She does not see him in any light of amiable quality because of how he negatively affects those around him.”)

Relevant points explain and illustrate Elizabeth’s choice to forgive and accept Mr. Darcy very effectively. (“When she hears words of praise about him from his house servant, she is grateful that Mr. Darcy ‘[loves] her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner’ in judging him (252). At once, Elizabeth on her own is able to focus on his impressive qualities and look past her original opinions. Her attention is drawn to her faults in accusing Mr. Darcy of wrongful things. She chooses to blame herself and forgive him, bringing forth aspire-able traits in both of them.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Elizabeth’s interaction with Mr. Darcy at the beginning of the novel is unpleasant and discouraging to her self-confidence. Moreover, at the ball when the two first meet, Mr. Darcy announces to Mr. Bingley that ‘[Elizabeth] is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt [him],’ thereby expressing his disapproval of her (11)…Thus, Elizabeth is affected emotionally by this statement, suggesting ‘[she can] easily forgive his pride if he [does] no [mortify hers]’ and embarrass her again like this (18). Mr. Darcy’s lack of consideration for other individual’s feelings is unacceptable. Elizabeth does not think poorly of him until he attacks her verbally, putting her family to shame.”)

Specific information about Elizabeth’s regrets for her misjudgments and decision to change is developed very effectively. (“When she hears words of praise about him from his house servant, she is grateful that Mr. Darcy ‘[loves] her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and acrimony of her manner’ in judging him (252). At once, Elizabeth on her own is able to focus on his impressive qualities and look past her original opinions. Her attention is drawn to her faults in accusing Mr. Darcy of wrongful things. She chooses to blame herself and forgive him, bringing forth aspire-able traits in both of them.”)

Organization

This essay utilizes very effective organization, as it demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction provides very effective information for the readers to understand the connection between the background of Pride and Prejudice and the thesis statement. (“ A choice is a carefully thought through decision usually with an intent to better an individual. In the novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, the main character, Elizabeth, is faced with many difficult choices that cause her anxiety and even grief. The manner in which she handles these situations helps to define who she is and determine the result of her future. One of Elizabeth’s greatest troubles pertains to whom she is to marry. It is acceptable to make a wrong decision and change one’s mind at a later point. Elizabeth does just that, as she forms a strong ill-opinion of Darcy, declines his initial proposal, and discovers her misjudgment of his character.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Elizabeth does not think poorly of him until he attacks her verbally, putting her family to shame. Not just Elizabeth, but all of the Bennets are being degraded by his rude slanders…Through time, the awful relationship between the two opposite personalities seems to change. Surprisingly, Mr. Darcy believes Elizabeth has a connection with him and he proposes that “[he admires] and loves [her]” and asks for her hand in marriage (181).”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that also summarizes the main points . (“Clearly, the struggling relationship between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth is a direct result from their choices of behavior towards each other. Their hate for one another that evolves into inseparable love has an effect on all those they talk to. A valuable theme is taught throughout the book, persuading against acting hubris and forming initial judgments. The title explains a lot about how the characters act before they mature and choose to get to know who people are inside. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy certainly make a great couple once they strive to obtain the right motivations in their attitude and see how their choices affect themselves, as well as others.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style is also visible in this essay. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Further, it utilizes well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent in describing Elizabeth’s stubbornness prior to her change of heart. (“ In Elizabeth’s eyes, Mr. Darcy has hurt everyone she knows so she would never choose to be even remotely associated with him. Elizabeth carefully configures prejudices upon meeting Mr. Darcy and will not remove them for any reason. She does not see him in any light of amiable quality because of how he negatively affects those around him.”)

Coherent style and tone, such as in the introduction, is used effectively to ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ One of Elizabeth’s greatest troubles pertains to whom she is to marry. It is acceptable to make a wrong decision and change one’s mind at a later point. Elizabeth does just that, as she forms a strong ill-opinion of Darcy, declines his initial proposal, and discovers her misjudgment of his character.”)

The complex sentence, “ Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy certainly make a great couple once they strive to obtain the right motivations in their attitude and see how their choices affect themselves, as well as others,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay also displays very effective control of conventions and mechanics with few or no apparent errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example, in essays at this score level, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. Further, a new paragraph is indicated either through an indentation or line break. (“ His choice in selecting Elizabeth is astounding, for he is expected to marry a lady based off of her wealth she will acquire. His disregard for following other’s advice says a lot about him in that he feels love is more important than fortune. Elizabeth matches him, for she is similar in believing that concept of love.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

The Importance of Decisions

Deciding on what to eat for lunch may not seem incredibly important at the time, but it may influence future events. Many choices have to be made every day, whether one realizes it or not. Characters in books have to make many decisions that affect the outcome of the story. It’s easy to see the different paths characters take when reading a book or play. In the play “The Importance of Being Earnest” by Oscar Wilde, Algernon visits the country to discover who Cheryl is, falls in love in the process, and reveals Jack’s true past.

Upon hearing Jack speak of Cheryl, Algernon decides to investigate. Naturally, due to his concern for his cousin, Gwen, “[Jack] will have to clear up the whole question of Cheryl” before he can marry her (10). Algernon’s affection towards his blood relatives demonstrates that he’s more of a family man than he lets on. He also shows a large amount of interest in the mention of Cheryl and he continues to question Jack about her. However, even though Algernon wishes to be acquainted with Cheryl, when he inquires “where [that] place in the country [is]” he does not receive a satisfactory answer from Jack (13). Jack’s reluctance to give Algernon information only peaks his interest in Cheryl. The mystery surrounding her makes him curious and desirous to meet her. He follows Jack into the country under the name of “Ernest” solely to meet the woman he has learned so little about.

When he visits the country he falls in love with Cheryl. Consequently, upon Algernon and Cheryl’s first meeting he believes “[she is] the prettiest girl [he has] ever [seen]” and immediately admires her (39). He is only able to meet her when he’s pretending to be Ernest, which gives her a false impression of him. This generates distrust between the two instantly, but doesn’t keep him from loving her. However, Jack proclaims that “there is certainly no chance of [Algernon] marrying [her]” while she’s under his guardianship (71). This adds another complication to the mess Algernon has begun to create for himself. The conflict with his friend, Jack, makes it appear as if the small affection forming between Algernon and Cheryl is done for. By visiting the country Algernon is able to find love, but it may not be a long lasting passion.

Algernon’s visit leads to the discovery of Jack’s long lost past. Evidently, Lady Bramble recognizes Miss Prism as the woman who “placed the baby in the hand-bag” and lost the poor child (86). Due to Algernon’s arrival in the country the past is brought to the forefront of everyone’s mind. Lady Bramble’s appearance is attributed to Gwen’s presence, which wouldn’t have been necessary if Algernon hadn’t bothered Jack about his home in the country. Nevertheless, due to the presence of all members Jack is able to realize that his name “is Ernest after all”, to the surprise of many (93). Jack’s story unfolds after small pieces of information are put together. Algernon is not entirely helpful in this process, but he is the main force that brings everyone together. He is thus the main reason for Jack’s history becoming clear.

As a result, Algernon’s one choice sets off a string of events that affects the other characters as well. It’s easy to see how decisions can influence others through his actions. The play is a prime example of society’s array of different paths to be chosen. People have an opportunity to choose which path to take, which may lead to multiple different outcomes. Choices are an important part of life that aren’t about to vanish anytime soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ Characters in books have to make many decisions that affect the outcome of the story. It’s easy to see the different paths characters take when reading a book or play. In the play ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ by Oscar Wilde, Algernon visits the country to discover who Cheryl is, falls in love in the process, and reveals Jack’s true past.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ When he visits the country he falls in love with Cheryl. Consequently, upon Algernon and Cheryl’s first meeting he believes ‘[she is] the prettiest girl [he has] ever [seen]’ and immediately admires her (39). He is only able to meet her when he’s pretending to be Ernest, which gives her a false impression of him. This generates distrust between the two instantly, but doesn’t keep him from loving her.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ In the play ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ by Oscar Wilde, Algernon visits the country to discover who Cheryl is, falls in love in the process, and reveals Jack’s true past…Jack’s reluctance to give Algernon information only peaks his interest in Cheryl. The mystery surrounding her makes him curious and desirous to meet her. He follows Jack into the country under the name of “Ernest” solely to meet the woman he has learned so little about.”)

Content & Development

This essay utilizes good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“He is only able to meet her when he’s pretending to be Ernest, which gives her a false impression of him. This generates distrust between the two instantly, but doesn’t keep him from loving her. However, Jack proclaims that ‘there is certainly no chance of [Algernon] marrying [her]’ while she’s under his guardianship (71). This adds another complication to the mess Algernon has begun to create for himself. The conflict with his friend, Jack, makes it appear as if the small affection forming between Algernon and Cheryl is done for. By visiting the country Algernon is able to find love, but it may not be a long lasting passion.”)

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Upon hearing Jack speak of Cheryl, Algernon decides to investigate. Naturally, due to his concern for his cousin, Gwen, ‘[Jack] will have to clear up the whole question of Cheryl’ before he can marry her (10). Algernon’s affection towards his blood relatives demonstrates that he’s more of a family man than he lets on.”)

Supporting details develop the example well. (“When he visits the country he falls in love with Cheryl. Consequently, upon Algernon and Cheryl’s first meeting he believes ‘[she is] the prettiest girl [he has] ever [seen]’ and immediately admires her (39). He is only able to meet her when he’s pretending to be Ernest, which gives her a false impression of him. This generates distrust between the two instantly, but doesn’t keep him from loving her. However, Jack proclaims that ‘there is certainly no chance of [Algernon] marrying [her]’ while she’s under his guardianship (71).”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Algernon’s visit leads to the discovery of Jack’s long lost past. Evidently, Lady Bramble recognizes Miss Prism as the woman who ‘placed the baby in the hand-bag’ and lost the poor child (86). Due to Algernon’s arrival in the country the past is brought to the forefront of everyone’s mind. Lady Bramble’s appearance is attributed to Gwen’s presence, which wouldn’t have been necessary if Algernon hadn’t bothered Jack about his home in the country. Nevertheless, due to the presence of all members Jack is able to realize that his name ‘is Ernest after all’, to the surprise of many (93).”)

Organization

Good organization is evident in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Deciding on what to eat for lunch may not seem incredibly important at the time, but it may influence future events. Many choices have to be made every day, whether one realizes it or not.”)

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ It’s easy to see the different paths characters take when reading a book or play. In the play ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ by Oscar Wilde, Algernon visits the country to discover who Cheryl is, falls in love in the process, and reveals Jack’s true past.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ However, Jack proclaims that ‘there is certainly no chance of [Algernon] marrying [her]’ while she’s under his guardianship (71). This adds another complication to the mess Algernon has begun to create for himself. The conflict with his friend, Jack, makes it appear as if the small affection forming between Algernon and Cheryl is done for. By visiting the country Algernon is able to find love, but it may not be a long lasting passion…Algernon’s visit leads to the discovery of Jack’s long lost past. Evidently, Lady Bramble recognizes Miss Prism as the woman who ‘placed the baby in the hand-bag’ and lost the poor child (86). Due to Algernon’s arrival in the country the past is brought to the forefront of everyone’s mind.”)

The conclusion effectively leaves the readers with something to think about; for example, how to find out more about the subject. (“ As a result, Algernon’s one choice sets off a string of events that affects the other characters as well. It’s easy to see how decisions can influence others through his actions. The play is a prime example of society’s array of different paths to be chosen. People have an opportunity to choose which path to take, which may lead to multiple different outcomes. Choices are an important part of life that aren’t about to vanish anytime soon.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good language use and style associated with this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. He/she also uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent in the body paragraphs. (“ This adds another complication to the mess Algernon has begun to create for himself. The conflict with his friend, Jack, makes it appear as if the small affection forming between Algernon and Cheryl is done for. By visiting the country Algernon is able to find love, but it may not be a long lasting passion.” )

Coherent style and tone are used, such as in the first body paragraph, to ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Upon hearing Jack speak of Cheryl, Algernon decides to investigate. Naturally, due to his concern for his cousin, Gwen, ‘[Jack] will have to clear up the whole question of Cheryl’ before he can marry her (10). Algernon’s affection towards his blood relatives demonstrates that he’s more of a family man than he lets on. He also shows a large amount of interest in the mention of Cheryl and he continues to question Jack about her. However, even though Algernon wishes to be acquainted with Cheryl, when he inquires ‘where [that] place in the country [is]’ he does not receive a satisfactory answer from Jack (13). Jack’s reluctance to give Algernon information only peaks his interest in Cheryl. The mystery surrounding her makes him curious and desirous to meet her. He follows Jack into the country under the name of ‘Ernest’ solely to meet the woman he has learned so little about.”)

The compound sentence, “ By visiting the country Algernon is able to find love, but it may not be a long lasting passion,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics can be seen in this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they do not interfere with the message.

For example, in essays at this score level, most sentences will have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. Further, a new paragraph will frequently be indicated either through an indentation or line break. (“ Deciding on what to eat for lunch may not seem incredibly important at the time, but it may influence future events. Many choices have to be made every day, whether one realizes it or not. Characters in books have to make many decisions that affect the outcome of the story. It’s easy to see the different paths characters take when reading a book or play.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

What would you do if you were in a war and made the mistake of killing your own brother? In the story, “The Sniper” by Liam O, Flaherty, the main character made a choice that changed his life. After getting shot in the arm, the sniper had to think of a way to get out of this situation without getting captured or dying. The sniper thought of a plan to fake his own death which was motivated by his desire to live, which resulted with him killing his brother.

The sniper decided to fake his own death by making a decoy. On page 10 he was, “Taking off his cap, and placed it over the muzzle of his rifle. Then he pushed the rifle slowly upward over the parapet, until the cap was visible from the opposite side of the street. Almost immediately there was a report and a bullet pierced the center of the cap. His ruse had succeeded.” The sniper was wounded and could only use a revolver to kill the enemy. If the enemy shoots the sniper then he will come check the dead body. When he gets close enough the sniper will then have a good shot to kill his target. The sniper made a decoy that the other sniper saw and he shot it on the head. Which resulted in the sniper having an opportunity to save his own life.

The sniper was motivated to fake his death by his desire to live. On page 10, “Morning must not find him wounded on the roof.” If the sun rises then the enemy will be able to see that the sniper is on the roof. When the enemy spots the sniper he would think that he is going to kill someone and he will shoot him, but at night he would be able to escape much easier and not be spotted. The sniper was shot in the arm and was losing a lot of blood and also wanted to live.

As a result of the sniper’s choice to fake his death the sniper and others were affected because he killed his own brother. On Page 12, “The sniper turned over the dead body and looked into his brother’s face.” When he killed the enemy the dead body fell off the roof and laid lifelessly on the floor. The sniper wondered if he knew this man maybe an old companion or perhaps a relative. He will now have to live with the fact that he killed his own brother. Also his family members will be saddened by the snipers brothers loss.

My thesis was, “The snipers decision to fake his own death was motivated by his desire to live, and resulted with him killing his brother.” Its important to consider the choices you make because they might result in a lifetime regret or maybe even death. If we lived in a world where people made choices based off of their desire or outside motivations then a lot of people would be scared to even go outside of the houses and there would be a lot of crime in the neighborhoods. There would also be people that would commit suicide or maybe even kill other people just because they do not like them. Therefore people should think about what could happen if they made a choice that hurt themselves or other people around them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“As a result of the sniper’s choice to fake his death the sniper and others were affected because he killed his own brother. On Page 12, ‘The sniper turned over the dead body and looked into his brother’s face.’ When he killed the enemy the dead body fell off the roof and laid lifelessly on the floor. The sniper wondered if he knew this man maybe an old companion or perhaps a relative…Also his family members will be saddened by the snipers brothers loss.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“When he gets close enough the sniper will then have a good shot to kill his target. The sniper made a decoy that the other sniper saw and he shot it on the head. Which resulted in the sniper having an opportunity to save his own life…The sniper was motivated to fake his death by his desire to live. On page 10, ‘Morning must not find him wounded on the roof.’ If the sun rises then the enemy will be able to see that the sniper is on the roof.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The sniper decided to fake his own death by making a decoy. On page 10 he was, ‘Taking off his cap, and placed it over the muzzle of his rifle. Then he pushed the rifle slowly upward over the parapet, until the cap was visible from the opposite side of the street. Almost immediately there was a report and a bullet pierced the center of the cap. His ruse had succeeded.’”)

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“The sniper thought of a plan to fake his own death which was motivated by his desire to live, which resulted with him killing his brother.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development can be seen in this essay. It develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“The sniper was motivated to fake his death by his desire to live. On page 10, ‘Morning must not find him wounded on the roof.’ If the sun rises then the enemy will be able to see that the sniper is on the roof. When the enemy spots the sniper he would think that he is going to kill someone and he will shoot him, but at night he would be able to escape much easier and not be spotted. The sniper was shot in the arm and was losing a lot of blood and also wanted to live.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. One example is the reaction the sniper has to killing his brother. (“On Page 12, ‘The sniper turned over the dead body and looked into his brother’s face.’ When he killed the enemy the dead body fell off the roof and laid lifelessly on the floor. The sniper wondered if he knew this man maybe an old companion or perhaps a relative. He will now have to live with the fact that he killed his own brother.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“On page 10 he was, ‘Taking off his cap, and placed it over the muzzle of his rifle. Then he pushed the rifle slowly upward over the parapet, until the cap was visible from the opposite side of the street. Almost immediately there was a report and a bullet pierced the center of the cap. His ruse had succeeded.’”)

The writing includes four to five supporting details in a paragraph to explain and illustrate each main idea.

(“The sniper decided to fake his own death by making a decoy. On page 10 he was, ‘Taking off his cap, and placed it over the muzzle of his rifle. Then he pushed the rifle slowly upward over the parapet, until the cap was visible from the opposite side of the street. Almost immediately there was a report and a bullet pierced the center of the cap. His ruse had succeeded.’ The sniper was wounded and could only use a revolver to kill the enemy. If the enemy shoots the sniper then he will come check the dead body. When he gets close enough the sniper will then have a good shot to kill his target. The sniper made a decoy that the other sniper saw and he shot it on the head. Which resulted in the sniper having an opportunity to save his own life.”)

Organization

This essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion but inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ What would you do if you were in a war and made the mistake of killing your own brother?”)

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement and provides enough information for the readers to understand the connection between the background information and the thesis. (“ The sniper thought of a plan to fake his own death which was motivated by his desire to live, which resulted with him killing his brother.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ If the sun rises then the enemy will be able to see that the sniper is on the roof. When the enemy spots the sniper he would think that he is going to kill someone and he will shoot him, but at night he would be able to escape much easier and not be spotted. The sniper was shot in the arm and was losing a lot of blood and also wanted to live…As a result of the sniper’s choice to fake his death the sniper and others were affected because he killed his own brother. On Page 12, ‘The sniper turned over the dead body and looked into his brother’s face.’ When he killed the enemy the dead body fell off the roof and laid lifelessly on the floor.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are utilized in this essay. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied, particularly in the last body paragraph. With more proficient comma usage, these sentences would have been stronger. (“ When he killed the enemy the dead body fell off the roof and laid lifelessly on the floor. The sniper wondered if he knew this man maybe an old companion or perhaps a relative. He will now have to live with the fact that he killed his own brother. Also his family members will be saddened by the snipers brothers loss.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. For example, more sophisticated words would have made the following sentence more vivid and appropriate for the writer’s audience. (“ The sniper was shot in the arm and was losing a lot of blood and also wanted to live.”)

There are few exact/specific words related to the research. This makes some portions of the essay less vivid than they could be. (“ If the sun rises then the enemy will be able to see that the sniper is on the roof. When the enemy spots the sniper he would think that he is going to kill someone and he will shoot him, but at night he would be able to escape much easier and not be spotted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is displayed in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, in typical essays at this score level, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, end with a punctuation mark, and are either indented or line spaced to distinguish between paragraphs. (“ When he gets close enough the sniper will then have a good shot to kill his target. The sniper made a decoy that the other sniper saw and he shot it on the head. Which resulted in the sniper having an opportunity to save his own life.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Life is ultimately about choices. Some people make the decisions they should. But others may not. You should learn from your mistakes. And other times, others even learn from the mistakes that you may make.

My character Susie Salmon, from “The Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold, made a choice that had a major impact on her and all her surroundings. Susie salmon was murdered at age 14 by her neighbor, Mr. Harvey. That shows that you should never be alone with someone that you don’t know well. Even though he’s her neighbor that doesn’t mean you should trust him.

Susie was on her way from junior high. She took a short-cut through the cornfield when it was dark and snowy outside. Then she was startled by mr.harvey, standing 6 feet from her. He wanted to show her something that he had built, so she followed, not knowing what was in store for her. He wouldn’t let her leave so she could get home before her mother began to worry, then he abused and murdered her.

If Susie decided not to take a the shortcut home, none of this would have ever happened. She made this decision out of curiosity. The curiosity to see what Mr.harvey had made. But, she made this decision without even thinking of what could happen. And the results were tragic.

Therefore, you shouldn’t make a decision right away, think about it because you never know how it might turn out. Susie’s decision happened to effect all of her surroundings. Her family, her friends, and lots of others. If she would have never made the decision right away, none of this would have never happened. So, as i said before, Life is always about the choices you make.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not fully respond to the question asked in the writing prompt. (“My character Susie Salmon, from ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold, made a choice that had a major impact on her and all her surroundings. Susie salmon was murdered at age 14 by her neighbor, Mr. Harvey. That shows that you should never be alone with someone that you don’t know well. Even though he’s her neighbor that doesn’t mean you should trust him.”)

This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“He wanted to show her something that he had built, so she followed, not knowing what was in store for her. He wouldn’t let her leave so she could get home before her mother began to worry, then he abused and murdered her.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Some people make the decisions they should. But others may not. You should learn from your mistakes. And other times, others even learn from the mistakes that you may make.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development can additionally be seen in this essay. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence, literary elements, or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Susie was on her way from junior high. She took a short-cut through the cornfield when it was dark and snowy outside. Then she was startled by mr.harvey, standing 6 feet from her. He wanted to show her something that he had built, so she followed, not knowing what was in store for her. He wouldn’t let her leave so she could get home before her mother began to worry, then he abused and murdered her.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“My character Susie Salmon, from ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Sebold, made a choice that had a major impact on her and all her surroundings…Susie was on her way from junior high.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“If Susie decided not to take a the shortcut home, none of this would have ever happened. She made this decision out of curiosity. The curiosity to see what Mr.harvey had made. But, she made this decision without even thinking of what could happen. And the results were tragic.”)

Organization

Limited organization is displayed in this essay. While it demonstrates evidence of structure, it has an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ But, she made this decision without even thinking of what could happen. And the results were tragic…Therefore, you shouldn’t make a decision right away, think about it because you never know how it might turn out.”)

In other portions of the essay, however, using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, for example, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Susie was on her way from junior high. She took a short-cut through the cornfield when it was dark and snowy outside. Then she was startled by mr.harvey, standing 6 feet from her. He wanted to show her something that he had built, so she followed, not knowing what was in store for her. He wouldn’t let her leave so she could get home before her mother began to worry, then he abused and murdered her.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about, such as how to find out more about the subject. It further attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ Therefore, you shouldn’t make a decision right away, think about it because you never know how it might turn out. Susie’s decision happened to effect all of her surroundings. Her family, her friends, and lots of others. If she would have never made the decision right away, none of this would have never happened. So, as i said before, Life is always about the choices you make.”)

Language Use & Style

There is limited language use and style within this essay. It demonstrates some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it contains simple language use and relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

Some sentence lengths are short. (“ And the results were tragic.”)

Exact words are missing. As a result, the following sentence is vague: “ He wanted to show her something that he had built, so she followed, not knowing what was in store for her.”

The sentences, particularly in the final body paragraph, are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ If Susie decided not to take a the shortcut home, none of this would have ever happened. She made this decision out of curiosity. The curiosity to see what Mr.harvey had made. But, she made this decision without even thinking of what could happen. And the results were tragic.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay further demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, or ends with a punctuation mark. Additionally, he/she should ensure sentences are indented when a new paragraph begins, and line breaks are used to separate or distinguish between paragraphs. (“ The curiosity to see what Mr.harvey had made. But, she made this decision without even thinking of what could happen. And the results were tragic.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley, you follow a young girl named Flavia de Luce in her many adventures. She is fascinated by science and enjoys to experiment with other chemicals since she was young. Ever since her mom died, Flavia had to grow up fast so she is very mature for her age. With that, she goes around with investigators helping them solve several murder cases.

For instance, then Flavia finds a “dead body in the garden” she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31). Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it. If anyone were to see a dead body in general no matter what your age, they probably would be freaked out. Whereas, Flavia instead she sets out to find out just who the man is for “he’s a stranger”; and how he came to be dying in her cucumber patch (32). People in general would be scared if there was a a stranger in their garden, let alone dead, but not Flavis, she’s awesome. Flavia senses something delicious may come from it: adventure.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay contains minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. While important events in the text are mentioned, little mention of a choice is evident. Thus, the response does not focus completely on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Whereas, Flavia instead she sets out to find out just who the man is for ‘he’s a stranger’; and how he came to be dying in her cucumber patch (32).”)

The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“For instance, then Flavia finds a ‘dead body in the garden’ she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31). Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it. If anyone were to see a dead body in general no matter what your age, they probably would be freaked out.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Ever since her mom died, Flavia had to grow up fast so she is very mature for her age. With that, she goes around with investigators helping them solve several murder cases.”)

Content & Development

Minimal use of content and development is evident in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately while using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Whereas, Flavia instead she sets out to find out just who the man is for ‘he’s a stranger’; and how he came to be dying in her cucumber patch (32). People in general would be scared if there was a a stranger in their garden, let alone dead, but not Flavis, she’s awesome. Flavia senses something delicious may come from it: adventure.”)

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Ever since her mom died, Flavia had to grow up fast so she is very mature for her age. With that, she goes around with investigators helping them solve several murder cases…For instance, then Flavia finds a ‘dead body in the garden’ she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31). Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Ever since her mom died, Flavia had to grow up fast so she is very mature for her age. With that, she goes around with investigators helping them solve several murder cases…For instance, then Flavia finds a ‘dead body in the garden’ she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31).”)

Organization

There is minimal organization in this essay, which demonstrates little evidence of structure and a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction, which also does little to grab the readers’ attention or include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley, you follow a young girl named Flavia de Luce in her many adventures. She is fascinated by science and enjoys to experiment with other chemicals since she was young. Ever since her mom died, Flavia had to grow up fast so she is very mature for her age. With that, she goes around with investigators helping them solve several murder cases.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ Whereas, Flavia instead she sets out to find out just who the man is for “he’s a stranger”; and how he came to be dying in her cucumber patch (32). People in general would be scared if there was a a stranger in their garden, let alone dead, but not Flavis, she’s awesome. Flavia senses something delicious may come from it: adventure.”)

The conclusion, or, in this case, final sentence of the sole body paragraph, does little to summarize the main points of the essay, nor does it teach readers a lesson or leave them with something to think about. (“ Flavia senses something delicious may come from it: adventure.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay also contains minimal language use and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ For instance, then Flavia finds a ‘dead body in the garden’ she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31).”)

Exact words are missing. For example, the word “chill” in the following sentence is vague and inappropriate: “ Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it.”

Several s entences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it. If anyone were to see a dead body in general no matter what your age, they probably would be freaked out…People in general would be scared if there was a a stranger in their garden, let alone dead, but not Flavis, she’s awesome. Flavia senses something delicious may come from it: adventure.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is apparent in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

For essays at this level, the writer does not ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, or ends with a punctuation mark. Additionally, s entences are not indented when a new paragraph begins and line breaks are not used to separate or distinguish between paragraphs. (“ For instance, then Flavia finds a ‘dead body in the garden’ she is not even phased, all she is thinking about is investigating it (31). Flavia seems so chill with there just being a dead body in her garden I’m suprised that she even told her Father about it before experimenting on it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

We have many choices in life some affect us in a good way and some in a bad. Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay displays inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This short essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“We have many choices in life some affect us in a good way and some in a bad. Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself.”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is inadequate or is not stated. (“Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is inadequate or is not stated. (“Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate or no content and development is demonstrated in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text in the process.

This essay includes inadequate or no details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. In this case, little is mentioned about Hamlet’s choice to “go on a rampage.” (“Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

Organization

There is inadequate or no organization associated with this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion. Further, there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction, as the first sentence does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ We have many choices in life some affect us in a good way and some in a bad.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. It should be noted, though, that an accurate gauge of the writer’s ability to utilize transitions cannot be made due to the brief nature of this essay. (“ Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion, or in this case, any conclusion at all. (“ Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

Language Use & Style

Unfortunately, inadequate language use and style is also displayed in this essay. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

The style is not formal, as sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s message to the intended audience. In some cases, word choices are also poor, with a particularly noticeable case being “very stupid” in the following example: “ We have many choices in life some affect us in a good way and some in a bad. Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics is also seen in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For essays at this level, the writer does not ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, or ends with a punctuation mark. Additionally, s entences are not indented when a new paragraph begins, and line breaks are not used to separate or distinguish between paragraphs. (“ We have many choices in life some affect us in a good way and some in a bad. Hamlets decision to go on a rampage was understandable but yet very stupid on his part because it led to the death on many people including himself. Hamlets rampage started with the fact of his mother marrying his uncle about a month after his father died which was incest and he did not approve.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“Civil Disobedience” by Thoreau

Thoreau's infamous ideas on "Civil Disobedience," written in 1849, have been monumental in the fight for change; from the 1940s fight against Danish resistance, the 1950s and McCarthyism, to the 1970s anti-war activists, Thoreau's words have helped lead the way to freedom. Why did Thoreau's message of freedom transcend his own time to be so influential to those throughout history?

In a multi-paragraph essay, describe the ways in which Thoreau's words are inspiring to us even today. How does he use diction, imagery, figurative language and emotional appeal to get his message across? Be sure to use specific details and examples to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thoreau produced his works, including "Civil Disobedience", at a time when international trade and globalism were blossoming, and government was expanding to suit it. He disparages government and the common man, for failing to recognize the source of the problems it wishes to fix, this being Thoreau's refusal to pay taxes. He uses allegorical language, a mocking tone, and narrative rather than expository styling to carry his position.

Thoreau states his position as a story rather than an argument. His excerpt serves not only to dictate his opinion on government and the common man, but also to show the line of reasoning he went through to reach the conclusion he came to. The excerpt begins by stating that he had "paid no poll tax for six years" and "was put into a jail once on this account," then states the opinions he forms in his confinement, "I could not help being struck with the foolishness of that institution." By doing this, he not only provides evidence to support his point, but also shows how he came to his conclusion. This method also provides a more personal, rather than matter-of-fact tone to his piece.

The language utilized by Thoreau also provides another dimension of understanding, by utilizing allegorical language in such a way that concrete terms can be made to represent abstract ideas. The walls of the prison become an attempt to confine Thoreau's spirit, and fail to do so in any degree, as he confirms that he "did not for a moment feel confined, and the walls seemed a great waste of stone and mortar." He criticizes both citizens and government for failing to recognize that he was not "mere flesh and blood and bones, to be locked up." He suggests that the walls are more constraining to those outside the prison than to him by stating "As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body." Through this, he concludes that while he is physically contained, the spirits of the citizens who confined him are what is truly under arrest.

Not only do Thoreau's organization and diction serve to define and carry his message, but his tone does as well. Thoreau mocks those who would be naive enough to think that stone walls would confine thought, but manages to do it in a cutting yet laissez-faire manner. He blatantly mocks those who would confine him, and calls them "persons who are underbred" yet seems to hold no real rancor towards them, just amused observation. He nearly enjoys watching their attempt at confining them, as he "could not but smile to see how industriously they locked the door on my meditations." This produces an interesting condition, where Thoreau seems to clearly consider himself superior, but without any hatred for those he feels are below him.

The combination of these qualities gives Thoreau's writing a precise yet fluid quality that lends it to all sorts of situations. The main inspirations for his writing were in response to the government acquiring power, like the recent Louisiana Purchase, and the current Mexican-American War, which he protested by not paying his poll tax, however, the abstract and fluid nature of his writing allowed his words to be relevant in any cases against individual liberties. Many historical events can list him as an inspiration, such as the environmental movement, civil rights movement, and even the creation of India. He crosses all boundaries and exists on completely opposing sides of all sorts of ideologies, from liberals to conservatives, from libertarians to socialists, from anarchists to statists. He speaks to the freedom of every man, and so every man can relate to him.

Overall, Thoreau's narrative style, allegorical diction, and sharp yet disdainful wit all serve to define his perspective towards government and the status quo. It seems whenever individuality is challenged, Thoreau appears, most likely due to the fact that he wrote in reference to the problems of his time, but made his ideas far-reaching and potent enough to have appeared all throughout history. His ability to transcend through the concrete to define the abstract made his work very telling, but also available to all those who read his work.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas considered in “Civil Disobedience,” and Thoreau’s perspective on issues of his time through a controlling or central idea.

The essay unmistakably communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the literary features of the text that make “Civil Disobedience” as relevant in modern times as it was in Thoreau’s time. (“The combination of these qualities gives Thoreau's writing a precise yet fluid quality that lends it to all sorts of situations. The main inspirations for his writing were in response to the government acquiring power, like the recent Louisiana Purchase, and the current Mexican-American War, which he protested by not paying his poll tax, however, the abstract and fluid nature of his writing allowed his words to be relevant in any cases against individual liberties. Many historical events can list him as an inspiration, such as the environmental movement, civil rights movement, and even the creation of India. He crosses all boundaries and exists on completely opposing sides of all sorts of ideologies, from liberals to conservatives, from libertarians to socialists, from anarchists to statists. He speaks to the freedom of every man, and so every man can relate to him.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Not only do Thoreau's organization and diction serve to define and carry his message, but his tone does as well. Thoreau mocks those who would be naive enough to think that stone walls would confine thought, but manages to do it in a cutting yet laissez-faire manner. He blatantly mocks those who would confine him, and calls them ‘persons who are underbred’ yet seems to hold no real rancor towards them, just amused observation.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ He disparages government and the common man, for failing to recognize the source of the problems it wishes to fix, this being Thoreau's refusal to pay taxes. He uses allegorical language, a mocking tone, and narrative rather than expository styling to carry his position.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of relevant details that relate to the points of his/her analysis, including specific information about the allegorical language, mocking tone, and narrative styling that Thoreau employed to carry his position. (“Thoreau states his position as a story rather than an argument. His excerpt serves not only to dictate his opinion on government and the common man, but also to show the line of reasoning he went through to reach the conclusion he came to. The excerpt begins by stating that he had ‘paid no poll tax for six years’ and ‘was put into a jail once on this account,’ then states the opinions he forms in his confinement, ‘I could not help being struck with the foolishness of that institution.’ By doing this, he not only provides evidence to support his point, but also shows how he came to his conclusion. This method also provides a more personal, rather than matter-of-fact tone to his piece.”)

The essay includes important literary insights that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Not only do Thoreau's organization and diction serve to define and carry his message, but his tone does as well. Thoreau mocks those who would be naive enough to think that stone walls would confine thought, but manages to do it in a cutting yet laissez-faire manner. He blatantly mocks those who would confine him, and calls them ‘persons who are underbred’ yet seems to hold no real rancor towards them, just amused observation.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the text. (“He criticizes both citizens and government for failing to recognize that he was not ‘mere flesh and blood and bones, to be locked up.’ He suggests that the walls are more constraining to those outside the prison than to him by stating ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body.’ Through this, he concludes that while he is physically contained, the spirits of the citizens who confined him are what is truly under arrest.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure is demonstrated, along with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. There is also effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction captures the readers’ attention by providing a glimpse into the ideology Thoreau offered in his piece. (“ Thoreau produced his works, including ‘Civil Disobedience’, at a time when international trade and globalism were blossoming, and government was expanding to suit it. He disparages government and the common man, for failing to recognize the source of the problems it wishes to fix, this being Thoreau's refusal to pay taxes. He uses allegorical language, a mocking tone, and narrative rather than expository styling to carry his position.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ The walls of the prison become an attempt to confine Thoreau's spirit, and fail to do so in any degree, as he confirms that he ‘did not for a moment feel confined, and the walls seemed a great waste of stone and mortar.’ He criticizes both citizens and government for failing to recognize that he was not ‘mere flesh and blood and bones, to be locked up.’ He suggests that the walls are more constraining to those outside the prison than to him by stating ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body.’ Through this, he concludes that while he is physically contained, the spirits of the citizens who confined him are what is truly under arrest.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Overall, Thoreau's narrative style, allegorical diction, and sharp yet disdainful wit all serve to define his perspective towards government and the status quo. It seems whenever individuality is challenged, Thoreau appears, most likely due to the fact that he wrote in reference to the problems of his time, but made his ideas far-reaching and potent enough to have appeared all throughout history. His ability to transcend through the concrete to define the abstract made his work very telling, but also available to all those who read his work.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the main inspirations for Thoreau’s writing with specific details from the piece, hence lending support to the asserted ideas. (“ The combination of these qualities gives Thoreau's writing a precise yet fluid quality that lends it to all sorts of situations. The main inspirations for his writing were in response to the government acquiring power, like the recent Louisiana Purchase, and the current Mexican-American War, which he protested by not paying his poll tax, however, the abstract and fluid nature of his writing allowed his words to be relevant in any cases against individual liberties. Many historical events can list him as an inspiration, such as the environmental movement, civil rights movement, and even the creation of India. He crosses all boundaries and exists on completely opposing sides of all sorts of ideologies, from liberals to conservatives, from libertarians to socialists, from anarchists to statists. He speaks to the freedom of every man, and so every man can relate to him.”)

The writer’s voice is undoubtedly directed to the intended audience. He/she clearly illustrates Thoreau’s appeal in the piece so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the significance of “Civil Disobedience” and why it has stood the test of time. (“ Not only do Thoreau's organization and diction serve to define and carry his message, but his tone does as well. Thoreau mocks those who would be naive enough to think that stone walls would confine thought, but manages to do it in a cutting yet laissez-faire manner. He blatantly mocks those who would confine him, and calls them ‘persons who are underbred’ yet seems to hold no real rancor towards them, just amused observation. He nearly enjoys watching their attempt at confining them, as he ‘could not but smile to see how industriously they locked the door on my meditations.’ This produces an interesting condition, where Thoreau seems to clearly consider himself superior, but without any hatred for those he feels are below him.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The language utilized by Thoreau also provides another dimension of understanding, by utilizing allegorical language in such a way that concrete terms can be made to represent abstract ideas. The walls of the prison become an attempt to confine Thoreau's spirit, and fail to do so in any degree, as he confirms that he ‘did not for a moment feel confined, and the walls seemed a great waste of stone and mortar.’ He criticizes both citizens and government for failing to recognize that he was not ‘mere flesh and blood and bones, to be locked up.’ He suggests that the walls are more constraining to those outside the prison than to him by stating ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body.’ Through this, he concludes that while he is physically contained, the spirits of the citizens who confined him are what is truly under arrest.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The excerpt begins by stating that he had ‘paid no poll tax for six years’ and ‘was put into a jail once on this account,’ then states the opinions he forms in his confinement, ‘I could not help being struck with the foolishness of that institution.’ By doing this, he not only provides evidence to support his point, but also shows how he came to his conclusion. This method also provides a more personal, rather than matter-of-fact tone to his piece.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Civil Disobedience is an essay written in 1849 by an influential writer, Henry David, whose message of freedom continued to transcend his own time to those throughout history. Not only has it influenced those throughout history but it also became monumental in the fight for change and helped lead the way to freedom. In Henry David's essay, Civil Disobedience, Henry David uses diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal as methods to influence his readers. By using these methods of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal, he is able to persuade his readers to believe what he believes which would further help get the message across to more people.

By using diction, Henry David was able to further influence those throughout history. As stated on page 250 in Henry David's essay, he uses the word "It" to help emphasize his point. "It is excellent, we must all allow; yet this government never of itself furthered any enterprise, but by the alacrity with which it got out of its way. It does not keep the country free. It does not settle the West. It does not educate. The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way." The reasoning to this was to show the true meaning of the people's power.

Another method that contributed to the reason why Henry David's message of freedom was able to transcend in his own time and influence those throughout history is imagery. Imagery is used multiple times within his essay. "It was to see my native village in the light of the Middle Ages, and our Concord was turned into a Rhine stream, and visions of knights and castles passed before me." This sentence expresses Henry David's imagery of how it was like when he lived in prison for one night. By using descriptive details about how it was like for him to be in prison, gives the readers a feel of what he was going through and therefore serving the purpose as being influential to people.

Figurative language is the third method that was able to get Henry David's message of freedom to transcend his own time in being so influential to those throughout history. "As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body; just as boys, if they cannot come at some person against whom they have a spite, will abuse his dog. I saw that the State was half-witted, that it was timid as a lone woman with her silver spoons, and that it did not know its friends from its foes, and I lost all my remaining respect for it, and pities it...". As stated in this sentence from the essay, Henry David compares a woman to government. He explains how he believes government becomes paranoid if someone were to stand up to it.

Lastly, emotional appeal is the last method that Henry David used which contributed in the reason why Henry David's message of freedom became influential to those in history. By describing in great detail his personal experience in prison and his everyday life, he was able to emotionally appeal to people while therefore influencing them about his message of freedom.

In conclusion, several methods were used as Henry David tried to influence people throughout history about his message of freedom. Diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal were four of many methods that he used to help influence. "Civil Disobedience", an influential essay written by David Thoreau, became a monumental essay in the fight for change and in addition helped lead the way to freedom. Even today, at least one-hundred years later, David Thoreau's message of Civil Disobedience continues to transcend his own time while influencing many.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal to illustrate the methods Thoreau used to help influence the readers of his time. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Another method that contributed to the reason why Henry David's message of freedom was able to transcend in his own time and influence those throughout history is imagery. Imagery is used multiple times within his essay. ‘It was to see my native village in the light of the Middle Ages, and our Concord was turned into a Rhine stream, and visions of knights and castles passed before me.’ This sentence expresses Henry David's imagery of how it was like when he lived in prison for one night. By using descriptive details about how it was like for him to be in prison, gives the readers a feel of what he was going through and therefore serving the purpose as being influential to people. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal used by Thoreau, which connects the essay question to the text. (“ By using diction, Henry David was able to further influence those throughout history. As stated on page 250 in Henry David's essay, he uses the word ‘It’ to help emphasize his point. ‘It is excellent, we must all allow; yet this government never of itself furthered any enterprise, but by the alacrity with which it got out of its way. It does not keep the country free. It does not settle the West. It does not educate. The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way.’ The reasoning to this was to show the true meaning of the people's power. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the many literary techniques Thoreau employed to make “Civil Disobedience” the memorable and influential piece it continues to be today. (“ In Henry David's essay, Civil Disobedience, Henry David uses diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal as methods to influence his readers. By using these methods of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal, he is able to persuade his readers to believe what he believes which would further help get the message across to more people. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from Thoreau’s work to support the stated thesis. Notably, however, the writer should provide greater balance between direct quotations from the text and the expression of his/her interpretations of the examples presented.

The writer uses details that relate to the literary analysis, including specific information about diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal. (“ Figurative language is the third method that was able to get Henry David's message of freedom to transcend his own time in being so influential to those throughout history. ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body; just as boys, if they cannot come at some person against whom they have a spite, will abuse his dog. I saw that the State was half-witted, that it was timid as a lone woman with her silver spoons, and that it did not know its friends from its foes, and I lost all my remaining respect for it, and pities it...’. As stated in this sentence from the essay, Henry David compares a woman to government. He explains how he believes government becomes paranoid if someone were to stand up to it. ”)

The essay includes specific details and direct quotations from the text to support the writer’s main ideas. (“Imagery is used multiple times within his essay. ‘It was to see my native village in the light of the Middle Ages, and our Concord was turned into a Rhine stream, and visions of knights and castles passed before me.’ This sentence expresses Henry David's imagery of how it was like when he lived in prison for one night. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ By using diction, Henry David was able to further influence those throughout history. As stated on page 250 in Henry David's essay, he uses the word ‘It’ to help emphasize his point. ‘It is excellent, we must all allow; yet this government never of itself furthered any enterprise, but by the alacrity with which it got out of its way. It does not keep the country free. It does not settle the West. It does not educate. The character inherent in the American people has done all that has been accomplished; and it would have done somewhat more, if the government had not sometimes got in its way.’ The reasoning to this was to show the true meaning of the people's power. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction’s purpose is two-fold; it informs the readers about Thoreau’s work and offers a clearly formulated thesis statement. (“ Civil Disobedience is an essay written in 1849 by an influential writer, Henry David, whose message of freedom continued to transcend his own time to those throughout history. Not only has it influenced those throughout history but it also became monumental in the fight for change and helped lead the way to freedom. In Henry David's essay, Civil Disobedience, Henry David uses diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal as methods to influence his readers. By using these methods of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal, he is able to persuade his readers to believe what he believes which would further help get the message across to more people.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Another method that contributed to the reason why Henry David's message of freedom was able to transcend in his own time and influence those throughout history is imagery. Imagery is used multiple times within his essay. ‘It was to see my native village in the light of the Middle Ages, and our Concord was turned into a Rhine stream, and visions of knights and castles passed before me.’ This sentence expresses Henry David's imagery of how it was like when he lived in prison for one night. By using descriptive details about how it was like for him to be in prison, gives the readers a feel of what he was going through and therefore serving the purpose as being influential to people. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, several methods were used as Henry David tried to influence people throughout history about his message of freedom. Diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal were four of many methods that he used to help influence. ‘Civil Disobedience’, an influential essay written by David Thoreau, became a monumental essay in the fight for change and in addition helped lead the way to freedom. Even today, at least one-hundred years later, David Thoreau's message of Civil Disobedience continues to transcend his own time while influencing many. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Lastly, emotional appeal is the last method that Henry David used which contributed in the reason why Henry David's message of freedom became influential to those in history. By describing in great detail his personal experience in prison and his everyday life, he was able to emotionally appeal to people while therefore influencing them about his message of freedom. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Another method that contributed to the reason why Henry David's message of freedom was able to transcend in his own time and influence those throughout history is imagery. Imagery is used multiple times within his essay. ‘It was to see my native village in the light of the Middle Ages, and our Concord was turned into a Rhine stream, and visions of knights and castles passed before me.’ This sentence expresses Henry David's imagery of how it was like when he lived in prison for one night. By using descriptive details about how it was like for him to be in prison, gives the readers a feel of what he was going through and therefore serving the purpose as being influential to people. ”)

Complex sentence structures are employed in portions of the essay. (“ In Henry David's essay, Civil Disobedience, Henry David uses diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal as methods to influence his readers. By using these methods of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal, he is able to persuade his readers to believe what he believes which would further help get the message across to more people. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Civil Disobedience is an essay written in 1849 by an influential writer, Henry David, whose message of freedom continued to transcend his own time to those throughout history. Not only has it influenced those throughout history but it also became monumental in the fight for change and helped lead the way to freedom. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Henry David Thoreau wrote an essay "Civil Disobedience" that was very moving at the time he wrote it and continues to be so. The reason Thoreau's essay is so strong is that he used mainly emotional appeal, diction, imagery and figurative language in order to get his point across. The structure of the essay flows so smoothly that even today his words are still inspiring. What makes this essay different from many others that were written in the past is that although Thoreau wrote his essay in 1849, when read today the meaning is still relevant to how the world works today. There are still all those laws that many wish that they would not have to obey, yet they must for fear that they would be put into jail. Thoreau’s essay is one of the most powerful writings ever written and it is still inspiring to this day.

One of the various strategies that Thoreau used to get his message across and support it was his use of imagery. Thoreau used imagery to give the reader the feeling that they are right there in the room with him. Thoreau used imagery when he was describing the jail cell to the reader, "...as I stood considering the walls of stone, two or three feet thick, the door of wood and iron, a foot thick and the iron grating which strained the light,". This use of imagery is most affective to the reader since it gives them a sense of closeness to the writer. When a writer uses this strategy it is often because they have that same image that they are describing in their head. Without this the writing would lack the support it needs to make a powerful statement.

Another strategy that also made the flow of the essay very smooth was the use of diction that Thoreau chose. His choice of words was mostly sophisticated and it is obvious that Thoreau was very well educated. The essay was mainly written to the few people who could read at the time. These people were mainly all the aristocrats since they were the only ones with enough money to send their children to school or to get private tutors to help both them and their children. "I could not but smile to see how industriouosly they locked the door on my meditations, which followed them out again without let or hindrance, and they were really all that was dangerous.". This sentance shows that his sentence structure would seem very complex to those who are barely literate and it clearly shows that this essay was not written for them. For those to whom it was written, they understand the writing and are moved by the way he presents his point and is speaking directly to them.

The strategy that is the best part of the essay is the emotional appeal that Thoreau uses to make the reader feel closer to him and have them know what it is that he is going through. This makes the reader show emotion and consideration for what is happening to the writer. "As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body; just as boys, if they cannot come at some person against whom they have a spite, will abuse his dog." The portion about the dog can have a big affect on a person and helps them understand what the writer is going through. Thoreau does this very well because he chose something that he knew would make people stop and really think, the dog is something that almost everyone can imagine and relate to.

All these strategies when combined make for a very strong writing that will always have an affect on people. Nearly everyone enjoys these writing since they feel as if they know the writer. This is what Thoreau did and that is why his essay "Civil Disobedience" is still very strong and inspiring to many.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer discusses literary terms reflected in Thoreau’s piece and provides adequate details so the readers can relate to the asserted points. (“One of the various strategies that Thoreau used to get his message across and support it was his use of imagery. Thoreau used imagery to give the reader the feeling that they are right there in the room with him. Thoreau used imagery when he was describing the jail cell to the reader, ‘...as I stood considering the walls of stone, two or three feet thick, the door of wood and iron, a foot thick and the iron grating which strained the light,’. This use of imagery is most affective to the reader since it gives them a sense of closeness to the writer.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer commits to analyzing Thoreau’s work using applicable literary terms. (“The strategy that is the best part of the essay is the emotional appeal that Thoreau uses to make the reader feel closer to him and have them know what it is that he is going through. This makes the reader show emotion and consideration for what is happening to the writer.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of appropriate literary terms to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“Another strategy that also made the flow of the essay very smooth was the use of diction that Thoreau chose. His choice of words was mostly sophisticated and it is obvious that Thoreau was very well educated. The essay was mainly written to the few people who could read at the time. These people were mainly all the aristocrats since they were the only ones with enough money to send their children to school or to get private tutors to help both them and their children.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence, and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the task of analyzing literary concepts found in Thoreau’s work. (“The strategy that is the best part of the essay is the emotional appeal that Thoreau uses to make the reader feel closer to him and have them know what it is that he is going through. This makes the reader show emotion and consideration for what is happening to the writer. ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body; just as boys, if they cannot come at some person against whom they have a spite, will abuse his dog.’ The portion about the dog can have a big affect on a person and helps them understand what the writer is going through.”)

The essay includes direct quotations from the text. (“‘I could not but smile to see how industriouosly they locked the door on my meditations, which followed them out again without let or hindrance, and they were really all that was dangerous’. This sentance shows that his sentence structure would seem very complex to those who are barely literate and it clearly shows that this essay was not written for them. For those to whom it was written, they understand the writing and are moved by the way he presents his point and is speaking directly to them.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Another strategy that also made the flow of the essay very smooth was the use of diction that Thoreau chose. His choice of words was mostly sophisticated and it is obvious that Thoreau was very well educated. The essay was mainly written to the few people who could read at the time. These people were mainly all the aristocrats since they were the only ones with enough money to send their children to school or to get private tutors to help both them and their children.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is appropriate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Henry David Thoreau wrote an essay ‘Civil Disobedience’ that was very moving at the time he wrote it and continues to be so. The reason Thoreau's essay is so strong is that he used mainly emotional appeal, diction, imagery and figurative language in order to get his point across. The structure of the essay flows so smoothly that even today his words are still inspiring.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ One of the various strategies that Thoreau used to get his message across and support it was his use of imagery. Thoreau used imagery to give the reader the feeling that they are right there in the room with him. Thoreau used imagery when he was describing the jail cell to the reader, ‘...as I stood considering the walls of stone, two or three feet thick, the door of wood and iron, a foot thick and the iron grating which strained the light,’. This use of imagery is most affective to the reader since it gives them a sense of closeness to the writer. When a writer uses this strategy it is often because they have that same image that they are describing in their head. Without this the writing would lack the support it needs to make a powerful statement.”)

The essay’s conclusion is very brief; however, it manages to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ All these strategies when combined make for a very strong writing that will always have an affect on people. Nearly everyone enjoys these writing since they feel as if they know the writer. This is what Thoreau did and that is why his essay ‘Civil Disobedience’ is still very strong and inspiring to many. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ His choice of words was mostly sophisticated and it is obvious that Thoreau was very well educated. The essay was mainly written to the few people who could read at the time. These people were mainly all the aristocrats since they were the only ones with enough money to send their children to school or to get private tutors to help both them and their children.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she analyzes the effectiveness of Thoreau’s work. (“ The strategy that is the best part of the essay is the emotional appeal that Thoreau uses to make the reader feel closer to him and have them know what it is that he is going through. This makes the reader show emotion and consideration for what is happening to the writer. ‘As they could not reach me, they had resolved to punish my body; just as boys, if they cannot come at some person against whom they have a spite, will abuse his dog.’ The portion about the dog can have a big affect on a person and helps them understand what the writer is going through. Thoreau does this very well because he chose something that he knew would make people stop and really think, the dog is something that almost everyone can imagine and relate to. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ What makes this essay different from many others that were written in the past is that although Thoreau wrote his essay in 1849, when read today the meaning is still relevant to how the world works today. There are still all those laws that many wish that they would not have to obey, yet they must for fear that they would be put into jail. Thoreau’s essay is one of the most powerful writings ever written and it is still inspiring to this day.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ One of the various strategies that Thoreau used to get his message across and support it was his use of imagery. Thoreau used imagery to give the reader the feeling that they are right there in the room with him. Thoreau used imagery when he was describing the jail cell to the reader, ‘...as I stood considering the walls of stone, two or three feet thick, the door of wood and iron, a foot thick and the iron grating which strained the light,’. This use of imagery is most affective to the reader since it gives them a sense of closeness to the writer.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thoreaus wrote " Civil Disobedience" to tell people that they need to fight for change because it's not just gona to happen by it self. Although it was written a long time ago it a sill has an impact here today with its ideas for change. For example of when he says "the government is but an expedient that could be improved but improvement is slow". He says this to show the reader that improvement is possible but it takes time. He uses many rhetorical strategies to write and persuade his reader for example emotional appeal, figurative language, and imagery.

Thoreau uses some formal diction to express his ideas to his readers. The formal diction helps him explain his ideas much easier because the document is to persuade people for change. For example when he say's Government is at best but an expedient but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes inexpedient". This has a formal tone to it making him credibal to the reader showing that he is serious of what he has written.

He also uses figurative language to express how the govermnet is tyrant at times. The figuritive language gives his writing a sense of credibility also. It shows credibility in that it helps him make his message across much more and that it is easier to be understood by the reader. The message is also more clear in the way he uses the schemes to make his message asross using typical formation and arrangement of words.

The emotional appeal he uses helps him make his message across in the way that its sensible to the reader. The reader is caught by the emotional appeal and makes his message more credible to the reader. Which persuades the reader to change fight for change.

Thoreau uses all these rhetorical stratagies figurative language, emotional appeal, imagery and uses a certain kind of diction to persuade his reader to fight for change. All this helps us inspire us even today with his appeal to the audience which makes him more credible to the reader. It was even more inspiring back than but it is still today due to his rhetorical strategies that he uses

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the response. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“He uses many rhetorical strategies to write and persuade his reader for example emotional appeal, figurative language, and imagery.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some literary terms such as diction, figurative language, and emotional appeal, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“The emotional appeal he uses helps him make his message across in the way that its sensible to the reader. The reader is caught by the emotional appeal and makes his message more credible to the reader. Which persuades the reader to change fight for change.”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to the literary analysis, he/she does not maintain enough focus on examples from Thoreau’s work for readers to relate to the asserted points. (“ He also uses figurative language to express how the govermnet is tyrant at times. The figuritive language gives his writing a sense of credibility also. It shows credibility in that it helps him make his message across much more and that it is easier to be understood by the reader. The message is also more clear in the way he uses the schemes to make his message asross using typical formation and arrangement of words. ”)

Content & Development

Partial development of each literary term renders the essay limited at best. (“Thoreau uses some formal diction to express his ideas to his readers. The formal diction helps him explain his ideas much easier because the document is to persuade people for change. For example when he say's Government is at best but an expedient but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes inexpedient’. This has a formal tone to it making him credibal to the reader showing that he is serious of what he has written.”)

The writer provides limited details that do not effectively expand on the ideas for Thoreau’s use of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal in his literary work . (“The emotional appeal he uses helps him make his message across in the way that its sensible to the reader. The reader is caught by the emotional appeal and makes his message more credible to the reader. Which persuades the reader to change fight for change.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“He also uses figurative language to express how the govermnet is tyrant at times. The figuritive language gives his writing a sense of credibility also. It shows credibility in that it helps him make his message across much more and that it is easier to be understood by the reader. The message is also more clear in the way he uses the schemes to make his message asross using typical formation and arrangement of words.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to engage the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing some background information on Thoreau’s work. (“ Thoreaus wrote ‘Civil Disobedience’ to tell people that they need to fight for change because it's not just gona to happen by it self. Although it was written a long time ago it a sill has an impact here today with its ideas for change. For example of when he says ‘the government is but an expedient that could be improved but improvement is slow’. He says this to show the reader that improvement is possible but it takes time. He uses many rhetorical strategies to write and persuade his reader for example emotional appeal, figurative language, and imagery. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The formal diction helps him explain his ideas much easier because the document is to persuade people for change. For example when he say's Government is at best but an expedient but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes inexpedient’. ”) Using transitional devices (in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion attempts to summarize and give the readers a sense of closure. (“ Thoreau uses all these rhetorical stratagies figurative language, emotional appeal, imagery and uses a certain kind of diction to persuade his reader to fight for change. All this helps us inspire us even today with his appeal to the audience which makes him more credible to the reader. It was even more inspiring back than but it is still today due to his rhetorical strategies that he uses ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use as well as some awareness of audience and control of voice. It also relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is a repetitious nature to many of the phrases the writer uses to express ideas in the essay. (“ Thoreau uses some formal diction to express his ideas to his readers. The formal diction helps him explain his ideas much easier because the document is to persuade people for change. For example when he say's Government is at best but an expedient but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes inexpedient’. This has a formal tone to it making him credibal to the reader showing that he is serious of what he has written. ”)

There is weak sentence structure in the essay. (“ The emotional appeal he uses helps him make his message across in the way that its sensible to the reader. The reader is caught by the emotional appeal and makes his message more credible to the reader. Which persuades the reader to change fight for change. ”)

The writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He also uses figurative language to express how the govermnet is tyrant at times. The figuritive language gives his writing a sense of credibility also. It shows credibility in that it helps him make his message across much more and that it is easier to be understood by the reader. The message is also more clear in the way he uses the schemes to make his message asross using typical formation and arrangement of words.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begin each sentence with a capital letter, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ He also uses figurative language to express how the govermnet is tyrant at times. The figuritive language gives his writing a sense of credibility also. It shows credibility in that it helps him make his message across much more and that it is easier to be understood by the reader. The message is also more clear in the way he uses the schemes to make his message asross using typical formation and arrangement of words. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Thoreau continues to inspire the world today through other people, one of the best known in Dr. King Jr. who was inspired by Gandi who was inspired by Thoreau. His ideas on Civil Disobedience are over one hundred years old but still have a monumental impact on the world. Personally, I believe that if he didn't write his ideas and never became a writer, the world would be very different. Martin Luther King Jr. would have never lead peaceful marches for equal rights and other ideals like those of Malcom X would have taken over. Violence would take the place of peace and fights would break out everywhere. People would have died and families would've been torn apart, some of us would probably never have been born.

Thoreau uses a lot of figurative language like being locked away behind walls of solid stone, a door of wood and iron, and iron grates over the window, saying that even though he was locked inside a prison and away from the townsmen, he felt that he was freer than them. He also says that even though they slam the door of his cell, they couldn't make him stop thinking or meditating. I feel that he was saying that even though he was imprisoned, his mind was free, that they couldn't stop him from thinking the way he did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is minimally suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does not provide a central/controlling idea that connects to the question asked in the prompt task. (“Personally, I believe that if he didn't write his ideas and never became a writer, the world would be very different. Martin Luther King Jr. would have never lead peaceful marches for equal rights and other ideals like those of Malcom X would have taken over. Violence would take the place of peace and fights would break out everywhere. People would have died and families would've been torn apart, some of us would probably never have been born.”)

The writer does not show an understanding of his/her intended audience because relevant details are not included to make ideas clear and convincing. Notably, the essay does not focus on a literary analysis of Thoreau’s piece and, therefore, does not satisfy the purpose of the prompt task. (“ He also says that even though they slam the door of his cell, they couldn't make him stop thinking or meditating. I feel that he was saying that even though he was imprisoned, his mind was free, that they couldn't stop him from thinking the way he did. ”)

The writer minimally addresses a literary analysis of Thoreau’s piece and instead focuses his/her comments on the effects that Thoreau’s words had on people such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi. (“Personally, I believe that if he didn't write his ideas and never became a writer, the world would be very different. Martin Luther King Jr. would have never lead peaceful marches for equal rights and other ideals like those of Malcom X would have taken over. Violence would take the place of peace and fights would break out everywhere.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that specifically connect the essay question to the text. (“Thoreau uses a lot of figurative language like being locked away behind walls of solid stone, a door of wood and iron, and iron grates over the window, saying that even though he was locked inside a prison and away from the townsmen, he felt that he was freer than them.”)

In many portions of the response, details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the writer’s points. (“Personally, I believe that if he didn't write his ideas and never became a writer, the world would be very different. Martin Luther King Jr. would have never lead peaceful marches for equal rights and other ideals like those of Malcom X would have taken over.”)

The writer mentions Thoreau’s impact on the world but does not elaborate with evidence from the text to assist readers in understanding the implications of that impact. (“Thoreau continues to inspire the world today through other people, one of the best known in Dr. King Jr. who was inspired by Gandi who was inspired by Thoreau. His ideas on Civil Disobedience are over one hundred years old but still have a monumental impact on the world.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Thoreau continues to inspire the world today through other people, one of the best known in Dr. King Jr. who was inspired by Gandi who was inspired by Thoreau. His ideas on Civil Disobedience are over one hundred years old but still have a monumental impact on the world.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect an attempt at a literary analysis of Thoreau’s piece. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Thoreau uses a lot of figurative language like being locked away behind walls of solid stone, a door of wood and iron, and iron grates over the window, saying that even though he was locked inside a prison and away from the townsmen, he felt that he was freer than them.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ I feel that he was saying that even though he was imprisoned, his mind was free, that they couldn't stop him from thinking the way he did. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Weak sentence structures and simple word choices hinder the effectiveness of the writer’s message. (“ Violence would take the place of peace and fights would break out everywhere. People would have died and families would've been torn apart, some of us would probably never have been born.”)

The writer’s lack of voice and style undermines the credibility of the response. (“ I feel that he was saying that even though he was imprisoned, his mind was free, that they couldn't stop him from thinking the way he did.”)

There is no evidence that the writer understands literary terms; he/she did not aptly apply literary terms to the analysis of Thoreau’s piece. (“ His ideas on Civil Disobedience are over one hundred years old but still have a monumental impact on the world. Personally, I believe that if he didn't write his ideas and never became a writer, the world would be very different.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begin each sentence with a capital letter, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Thoreau continues to inspire the world today through other people, one of the best known in Dr. King Jr. who was inspired by Gandi who was inspired by Thoreau. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this "Civil Disobedience" it talks about Thoreau's help leads the way to freedom. Also talks about how Thoreau's was put in jail, or not paying poll-tax for six years. The message I think Thoreau is saying all the time he is in jail he feels they treat him wrong, he feels alone and despite all his feelings behind bars he is as free as he ever was before. Thoreau he made some changes in the early day history. People expressed theirselves through his words. If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us. They didn't have alot of freedom back in the days they had to gain it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she fails to assert any analysis of Thoreau’s piece, thus providing no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea that reflects the purpose of the prompt task. (“In this ‘Civil Disobedience’ it talks about Thoreau's help leads the way to freedom. Also talks about how Thoreau's was put in jail, or not paying poll-tax for six years.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding the analysis of Thoreau’s piece. (“People expressed theirselves through his words. If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer’s lack of focus on Thoreau’s use of diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal renders the response inadequate . (“The message I think Thoreau is saying all the time he is in jail he feels they treat him wrong, he feels alone and despite all his feelings behind bars he is as free as he ever was before.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s main ideas.

The essay fails to include any discussions about the ways in which Thoreau used diction, imagery, figurative language, and emotional appeal to get his message across. (“People expressed theirselves through his words. If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us.”)

Details from the text are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Thoreau he made some changes in the early day history.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In this ‘Civil Disobedience’ it talks about Thoreau's help leads the way to freedom. Also talks about how Thoreau's was put in jail, or not paying poll-tax for six years. The message I think Thoreau is saying all the time he is in jail he feels they treat him wrong, he feels alone and despite all his feelings behind bars he is as free as he ever was before. Thoreau he made some changes in the early day history. People expressed theirselves through his words. If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us. They didn't have alot of freedom back in the days they had to gain it.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In this ‘Civil Disobedience’ it talks about Thoreau's help leads the way to freedom.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The message I think Thoreau is saying all the time he is in jail he feels they treat him wrong, he feels alone and despite all his feelings behind bars he is as free as he ever was before. Thoreau he made some changes in the early day history.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ They didn't have alot of freedom back in the days they had to gain it.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer does not provide voice or style in the essay. (“ Thoreau he made some changes in the early day history. People expressed theirselves through his words.”)

Weak sentence structures contribute to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us. They didn't have alot of freedom back in the days they had to gain it.”)

Word choices are too simple and do not contribute to the communication of an effective message . (“ The message I think Thoreau is saying all the time he is in jail he feels they treat him wrong, he feels alone and despite all his feelings behind bars he is as free as he ever was before.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begin each sentence with a capital letter, end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check spelling of chosen words. (“People expressed theirselves through his words. If he wouldn't have said the things to get us where we are today their would be no freedom for us. They didn't have alot of freedom back in the days they had to gain it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Closing Line in The Great Gatsby

At the end of The Great Gatsby , Nick Carraway reflects on the experiences he’s had and what he has come to know of Jay Gatsby. The novel and Nick’s reflection end with the line, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.”

Interpret this last line with respect to Gatsby’s dreams, his achievements, and his failures. Explain the meaning of Nick’s reflection and support your view with specific examples from the text. Do not summarize the plot. Instead, explain how the events of Gatsby’s life are connected to Nick’s final comment.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, The Great Gatsby , tells the captivating story of Jay Gatsby, an extremely wealthy bootlegger who struggles to recover the past affair that he had had with a young woman named Daisy. Gatsby is absolutely consumed by his love for Daisy, which has not diminished since his return from World War I. It is through Nick Carraway, Daisy’s cousin and the novel’s narrator, that Gatsby receives his chance to recover his past. At Gatsby’s request Nick arranges a meeting between Gatsby and Daisy, all of this unknown to Daisy’s husband, Tom Buchanan; a former college football player and a man of great physical power. Gatsby’s relentless pursuit of Daisy ultimately leads to his own demise. After Gatsby’s death Nick Carraway reflects on what he has witnessed and experienced, and in his reflection he states, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” Essentially, Nick is stating that humans are always drawn to the past, and this obsession is the driving force that often shapes their futures.

To begin with, on the day that Nick reunites Gatsby and Daisy, Gatsby’s reaction to the situation is one of utter disbelief. This is apparent as Nick comments, “Gatsby, his hands still in his pockets, was reclining against the mantelpiece in a strained counterfeit of perfect ease, even of boredom.” It is apparent that Gatsby is uncomfortable during this time, and this discomfort illustrates that Gatsby does not want to mess anything up; he is nervous and cautious as a result. This quotation also demonstrates Gatsby’s shock that his dream may actually be becoming a reality. Gatsby has always dreamed of being with Daisy, but it seems that in his eyes that dream was rather far off, until the day that he actually meets Daisy again. So it makes sense that when Gatsby is granted the opportunity to see Daisy, it sends him into a panic, shocked state of ecstasy. This sets into motion Gatsby’s plans for his future with Daisy, a romanticized, fairy-tale like dream, and shows that Gatsby’s dream and yearning for the past begin to shape his future actions.

As the novel progresses, Gatsby’s desire for Daisy intensifies, and Daisy’s feelings of attraction toward Gatsby are revealed when Nick states, “As he [Tom Buchanan] left the room again she got up and went over to Gatsby and pulled his face down, kissing him on the mouth.” This is further shown when Daisy says to Gatsby, “You know I love you.” In a sense, Gatsby has made a rather significant achievement here, at least in his own eyes; Daisy has told Gatsby that she loves him. It is at this point that it seems that Gatsby’s dream is within his reach; the only thing standing in his way is Tom Buchanan. In Gatsby’s eyes, however, this does not seem to be an issue because Tom has a mistress named Myrtle, with whom Tom has been cheating on Daisy. All of this knowledge creates in Gatsby a false sense of security; it is apparent that with time he will be able to recover his past. This is demonstrated as Nick states, “He wanted nothing less of Daisy than that she should go to Tom and say: ‘I never loved you.’ After she had obliterated four years with that sentence they could decide upon more practical measures to be taken.” Nick is cynical of Gatsby’s desire, shown as Nick says to Gatsby, “I wouldn't ask too much of her. You can’t repeat the past.” To this Gatsby replies, “Can’t repeat the past? Of course you can!” These two quotes effectively illustrate Gatsby’s dream and to the extent that it is shaping what he envisions as his future. Essentially it can be seen that Gatsby’s dream is consuming him, and he is becoming dangerously obsessed with reliving his past; it has become a force that will mold his life either tragically or happily as Gatsby continues to push forward.

Finally, on a sweltering day, Tom Buchanan, Daisy, Gatsby, Nick, and Jordan Baker, Nick’s significant other, decide to go to New York for the afternoon. They go in two cars; Gatsby and Daisy in Gatsby’s car and Nick, Tom, and Jordan in Tom’s car. During this car ride Tom reveals that he knows what is going on between Daisy and Gatsby, and he is determined to end it by exposing the shady businesses that Gatsby runs to earn his money. Upon arriving in New York they decide to rent a suite in the Plaza Hotel, and here is where Gatsby’s dream crumbles and is ultimately destroyed. Tom Buchanan starts questioning Gatsby about his past, and finally Buchanan explodes, revealing that he knows Daisy’s secret and also disclosing the type of business that Gatsby is in. Gatsby counters by telling Tom that Daisy never loved him, but when he tries to make Daisy admit that she never loved Tom, Daisy says, “Even alone I can’t say I never loved Tom. It wouldn’t be true.” Tom seizes this opportunity, seeing that Gatsby’s fantasy of a lasting relationship with Daisy is over. He rants about Gatsby’s shady businesses, which Gatsby, to no avail, attempts to explain away. Nick comments, “...and he began to talk excitedly to Daisy, denying everything, defending his name against accusations that had not been made. But with every word she was drawing further and further into herself, so he gave up, and only the dead dream fought on as the afternoon slipped away, trying to touch what was no longer tangible, struggling unhappily, undespairingly, toward that lost voice across the room.” This is the moment that Gatsby’s dream is dead; he no longer has any chance of recovering what he had lost. Gatsby had chased his dream with so much feverish excitement that he forgot reality and became lost, and the future that it shaped for him was his death. Daisy and Gatsby, while driving back to their homes on Long Island , kill Tom’s mistress, Myrtle, in a hit-and-run accident. Myrtle’s husband believed that the driver was Myrtle’s lover, and through Tom’s directions he kills Gatsby before turning his revolver on himself. Gatsby’s obsession with the past, and his desire to make that past his future, leads to his demise.

It is difficult to let go of the past. The past is appealing because it represents what has already happened; it presents none of the unknowns that humans find threatening and scary, unknowns that the future presents. It is also a source of emotions, emotions which are usually long dead. Gatsby became fixated on his dream of getting Daisy back; it consumed him to the point that he lost sight of reality as the full measure of his dream immersed him. Upon reflecting on Gatsby’s life, Nick makes the comment, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” Nick means that people are unwilling to let go of the past, and many times they try to relive their past in the future. This is exactly what Gatsby attempted to do, but as Nick saw, that is a dangerous thing to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits strong focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text by making insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central, controlling idea. (“Gatsby’s relentless pursuit of Daisy ultimately leads to his own demise. After Gatsby’s death Nick Carraway reflects on what he has witnessed and experienced, and in his reflection he states, ‘So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.’ Essentially, Nick is stating that humans are always drawn to the past, and this obsession is the driving force that often shapes their futures.”) The writer of this essay completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is well developed and effectively supports the writer’s position. The writer illustrates his/her ideas in a comprehensive manner using specific and accurate evidence. (“Nick is cynical of Gatsby’s desire, shown as Nick says to Gatsby, ‘I wouldn't ask too much of her. You can’t repeat the past.’ To this Gatsby replies, ‘Can’t repeat the past? Of course you can!’ These two quotes effectively illustrate Gatsby’s dream and to the extent that it is shaping what he envisions as his future. Essentially it can be seen that Gatsby’s dream is consuming him, and he is becoming dangerously obsessed with reliving his past; it has become a force that will mold his life either tragically or happily as Gatsby continues to push forward.”) Furthermore, in a subtle manner, the writer elaborates on the novel’s use of metaphor and connects it with his/her central idea. (“Upon reflecting on Gatsby’s life, Nick makes the comment, ‘So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.’ Nick means that people are unwilling to let go of the past, and many times they try to relive their past in the future.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. The five-paragraph structure contains an informative introduction and insightful conclusion, thereby bringing the writer’s composition full-circle. The writer attracts the reader’s attention by providing background information about the novel itself and subsequently ends his/her first paragraph with a clear and concise thesis statement. (“F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, The Great Gatsby , tells the captivating story of Jay Gatsby, an extremely wealthy bootlegger who struggles to recover the past affair that he had had with a young woman named Daisy.…Essentially, Nick is stating that humans are always drawn to the past, and this obsession is the driving force that often shapes their futures.”) The writer’s body paragraphs are cohesive with evidence of topic sentences and sophisticated use of transition between paragraphs. (“As the novel progresses, Gatsby’s desire for Daisy intensifies, and Daisy’s feelings of attraction toward Gatsby are revealed….”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language, a defined v oice, and an unmistakable sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“ Daisy and Gatsby, while driving back to their homes on Long Island , kill Tom’s mistress, Myrtle, in a hit-and-run accident. Myrtle’s husband believed that the driver was Myrtle’s lover, and through Tom’s directions he kills Gatsby before turning his revolver on himself. Gatsby’s obsession with the past, and his desire to make that past his future, leads to his demise. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer maintains effective control over conventions and mechanics. The essay itself reveals few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“Finally, on a sweltering day, Tom Buchanan, Daisy, Gatsby, Nick, and Jordan Baker, Nick’s significant other, decide to go to New York for the afternoon. They go in two cars; Gatsby and Daisy in Gatsby’s car and Nick, Tom, and Jordan in Tom’s car.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” This is the final line of the novel ‘The Great Gatsby’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald, a line delivered by narrator Nick Carraway. This final line summarizes the experiences Nick has had while he knew Gatsby, a time in which Nick’s viewpoints changed drastically, becoming more cynical and more optimistic at the same time. Nick is a straight-shooting judge of mankind, a self-proclaimed ‘honest man’ among a civilization of liars and actors. Nick’s final line informs the reader that history repeats itself and changes, as men will always reach for the unattainable and hope that they can change what has already been set in stone.

Nick is the neighbor to Jay Gatsby, a man trying to rekindle things with an old lover. Nick’s comment about going against the current and charging into the past relate to Gatsby because Gatsby is trying to undo the present and redo the past as he attempts to break Daisy, his former lover, from her husband Tom. Gatsby is an idealistic and optimistic man who has devoted his life to a woman who he only knew for a short time. Gatsby entire life after he met Daisy was aimed at being with her. Gatsby came home from the war and used illegal means to amass a fortune; Gatsby used his wealth to but his house so he could be near Daisy; and at his house, he threw amazing parties in order to attract her attention. Gatsby’s entire reason for existing was to woo Daisy, and as Nick sees quite clearly, Gatsby’s hope cannot undo her current conditions. Gatsby devotes his existence to Daisy, and his devotion eventually leads to his death.

Moreover, Nick is a very observant person, and he easily realizes why Gatsby’s hope is destined to fail him. Nick knows that Daisy is shallow and unstable and that she is only able to love people whose money is older than they are. Daisy is first attracted to Gatsby because he tells her of his familys wealth, which in reality does not exist. But after the war, Gatsby tries to make that wealth a reality, by becoming one of the nouvea-riche. He achieves wealth, but it is not the old wealth that Tom has, or the wealth which Daisy wants. She wants the prestige of a old-money man, not an entrepreneur. But Gatsby cannot give up without trying his hardest, so he attempts to undo the past and the truth with a less than honest approach to being successful. Gatsby keeps fighting to remake himself in the image he thinks Daisy will love, instead of trying to find somebody who will like him for who he actually is. His only real goal in life is not to be successful, but to be successful in Daisy’s eyes.

Lastly, after what Nick witnesses in the East that summer, he no longer cared about the sorrows and joys of men, because the world of extravagancy and desire had snuffed the life out of the greatest man he had ever known. Nick left the Midwest because he wanted a better life, a larger life, a more glamorous life. What he found in the East was a pitiful society of the judgemental wealthy and the pitiful poor, the hypocritical lazy and the beautiful idiots. The only thing that actually strikes Nick as being good, or impresses Nick, is Jay Gatsby. As Nick said, “Only Gatsby, the man who gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction-Gatsby who represented everything for which I have an unaffected scorn...then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivty to the promises of life...it was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again.” What Nick means by these observations is that Gatsby was the only decent one he encountered in the East, the one who was rich and extravagant but hopeful and romantic at the same time. Gatsby proved to Nick that there was some good in a world of evil, and that optimism and hope can shine though even the toughest situations.

Nick’s views are changed by Gatsby, because he ends up believing more in hope and love after seeing Gatsby’s devotion. Nick also becomes more cynical, because he realizes that everybody tries to live in the past and change all of the things that have gone wrong in their lives. Gatsby lived in the present while trying to repeat the past, in the hopes of a greater future, and Nick comes to understand that inside of every man and woman is such a motive, an objective of redemption to achieve an even greater tomorrow. Gatsby’s hopes and expectations led to his death, but they also led to his rebirth inside of Nick.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text by making clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through the presentation and development of his/her central idea. (“Nick’s final line informs the reader that history repeats itself and changes, as men will always reach for the unattainable and hope that they can change what has already been set in stone.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes good content and thoughtful development. The writer’s arguments are clearly developed using a variety of specific evidence and subtle allusions to literary elements in the text. (“As Nick said, ‘Only Gatsby, the man who gives his name to this book, was exempt from my reaction-Gatsby who represented […] a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again.’ What Nick means by these observations is that Gatsby was the only decent one he encountered in the East, the one who was rich and extravagant but hopeful and romantic at the same time. Gatsby proved to Nick that there was some good in a world of evil, and that optimism and hope can shine though even the toughest situations.”)

Organization

This essay is well organized and cohesive. The five-paragraph structure demonstrates unity with a well-written introduction and conclusion; additionally, the writer consistently uses transitional phrases between paragraphs. (“Moreover, Nick is a very observant person, and he easily realizes why Gatsby’s hope is destined to fail him…. Lastly, after what Nick witnesses in the East that summer, he no longer cared about the sorrows and joys of men, because the world of extravagancy and desire had snuffed the life out of the greatest man he had ever known.”)

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. The writer uses appropriate language with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety . (“ Gatsby lived in the present while trying to repeat the past, in the hopes of a greater future, and Nick comes to understand that inside of every man and woman is such a motive, an objective of redemption to achieve an even greater tomorrow. Gatsby’s hopes and expectations led to his death, but they also led to his rebirth inside of Nick.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. The essay does exhibit some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, these minor errors do not interfere with the writer’s message. (“ Nick left the Midwest because he wanted a better life, a larger life, a more glamorous life. What he found in the East was a pitiful society of the judgemental wealthy and the pitiful poor, the hypocritical lazy and the beautiful idiots.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book, The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Gatsby had a dream as well his achievements and his failures. With that, Nick’s reflection ended the story with the line, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” This line was related to Gatsby’s life in ways of his dream, his achievements, and his failures.

Gatsby’s dream was to marry Daisy Buchanan, his past love. The two were separated when Gatsby left for the military. When he returned from the military, Gatsby was living in the past, he was still in love with Daisy. Gatsby dreamt of getting married to Daisy back at her home. The line, “Borne ceaselessly into the past,” connects to Gatsby’s life because of his undying love for Daisy. His love remained for her when they were first together and even after she was married to Tom Buchanan. Throughout all the events which occurred in the book, all of Gatsby’s actions and motives were all from his love for Daisy.

The beginning of Nick’s reflection line, “So we beat on,” is connected to Gatsby’s achievements. The more Gatsby achieved, the more he was able to get closer to Daisy. When Gatsby was able to earn money, he was able to buy a house across the river from Daisy’s house so that he would be able to keep an eye on her from afar. Because of Gatsby’s wealth, he also achieved popularity. He was connected to Dan Cody. Cody gave Gatsby a job. This is where he received most of his fortune after losing his wealth of inheritance to the panic of war. Gatsby made another achievement by throwing the big parties at his mansion. He threw them hoping that one day Daisy would attend one of them, and this did happen upon the exception that Daisy was with her husband when she went to the party.

Nick’s reflection, the section of the line, “So we beat on, boats against the current,” is connected to Gatsby’s life because of his failures. The line is essentially saying, if someone is trying to stop you from getting what you want, keep going for it. Hence, boats against the current, the boat is acting as Gatsby while the current is trying to stop him from achieving his goal. Gatsby failed at marrying Daisy. He never had an opportune time. This was because he was murdered by George Wilson. When Daisy accidentally ran over Myrtle Wilson, Gatsby was the one who suffered. He failed to dodge the bullets, causing him to lose Daisy forever.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay maintains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, ideas in the text, and literary techniques through a controlling idea. (“ With that, Nick’s reflection ended the story with the line, ‘So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.’ This line was related to Gatsby’s life in ways of his dream, his achievements, and his failures.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are adequate. The writer’s ideas are developed using some specific and relevant details in addition to literary elements from the text. (“The beginning of Nick’s reflection line, ‘So we beat on,’ is connected to Gatsby’s achievements. The more Gatsby achieved, the more he was able to get closer to Daisy. When Gatsby was able to earn money, he was able to buy a house across the river from Daisy’s house so that he would be able to keep an eye on her from afar.”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. (“In the book, The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Gatsby had a dream as well his achievements and his failures…. Nick’s reflection, the section of the line, ‘So we beat on, boats against the current,’ is connected to Gatsby’s life because of his failures.”) Despite its lack of transitions, the essay maintains overall cohesiveness due to the writer’s consistent use of paragraphing devices.

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ Gatsby’s dream was to marry Daisy Buchanan, his past love. The two were separated when Gatsby left for the military. When he returned from the military, Gatsby was living in the past, he was still in love with Daisy. Gatsby dreamt of getting married to Daisy back at her home.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors relating to grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“ In the book, The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Gatsby had a dream as well his achievements and his failures .”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the end of The Great Gatsby, Nick is basically saying that life goes on and as time goes by we sit and think about our past. Nick had many experiences as he came to know Gatsby. He finds out more about him as we read on in the story. Gatsby somewhat opens himself to Nick and they become good friends. In the end of the story though, Nick seems like he really doesn’t care for Gatsby anymore especially because of things he did. One example would be the conflict with Tom, Daisy, and of course Gatsby.

The last line that Nick says also goes back and reflects to Gatsby. Gatsby doesn’t get the chance to live the rest of his life and look back on his past. Gatsby is killed in this story. His dream was to get back on his feet and start of fresh with Daisy. Of course Daisy wasn’t going to wait that long so she had moved on and married a man named Tom Buchanan. This is what got stirred up later in the story when Gatsby confesses his fellings that he still had for Daisy. He seemed to have failed though because Daisy didn’t go back to him. Instead she took off with Tom. Gatsby did achieve though in becoming a pretty wealthy man. One could say he lived a good life.

Another part of the story we can reflect on, that goes back to Nick’s ending line, would be Gatsby’s father. When Gatsby’s father goes down to attend the funeral for his son he reflects on the past. He thinks about the times he had with his son or when his son did something nice for him. He is greving for his son but he knows that life will still go on and he will have those joyfull memories to look back on.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only vague connections among the task, ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling idea. (“ At the end of The Great Gatsby, Nick is basically saying that life goes on and as time goes by we sit and think about our past. Nick had many experiences as he came to know Gatsby. He finds out more about him as we read on in the story.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. (“ He seemed to have failed though because Daisy didn’t go back to him. Instead she took off with Tom. Gatsby did achieve though in becoming a pretty wealthy man. One could say he lived a good life .”)

Organization

This three-paragraph essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of an introduction and a conclusion, but the organization of details within the introduction/conclusion is unclear. The essay is not cohesive and lacks consistent use of transitional devices. (“The last line that Nick says also goes back and reflects to Gatsby…. Another part of the story we can reflect on, that goes back to Nick’s ending line, would be Gatsby’s father.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. (“This is what got stirred up later in the story when Gatsby confesses his fellings that he still had for Daisy. He seemed to have failed though because Daisy didn’t go back to him. Instead she took off with Tom.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Some noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“ He is greving for his son but he knows that life will still go on and he will have those joyfull memories to look back on. ”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

On the end of “The Great Gatsby” Nick Carraway reflects on the experience he had and he learns something new about Jay Gatsby. The quote means that before Gatsby had died, he had almost everything he wanted. He had money, wealth, clothes, and everyting. He had everything, but this one person, Daisy. Gatsby goal was to have Daisy be his wife and girl.

Gatsby’s goal was what lead Gastby to his success in life, but Nick knew that Gatsby would not achieve all of his dream. Such as getting Daisy. Daisy already has a family, and a husband that is wealthy that can take care of her. Nick knew you can try to change her, but she would go back to what she been before.

What the quote is trying to say is that when you do not succeed, keep on trying until you reached your goal.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through an uncertain central idea. (“On the end of ‘The Great Gatsby’ Nick Carraway reflects on the experience he had and he learns something new about Jay Gatsby. The quote means that before Gatsby had died, he had almost everything he wanted …. Gatsby goal was to have Daisy be his wife and girl. ”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is minimally developed. The writer develops his/her ideas inadequately and incompletely, using minimal references to the text. (“Gatsby’s goal was what lead Gastby to his success in life, but Nick knew that Gatsby would not achieve all of his dream. Such as getting Daisy. Daisy already has a family, and a husband that is wealthy that can take care of her.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of an introduction and conclusion, and the essay also lacks appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices. (“ What the quote is trying to say is that when you do not succeed, keep on trying until you reached your goal. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, is demonstrated. There is also evidence of basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ Such as getting Daisy….Nick knew you can try to change her, but she would go back to what she been before.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“ Gatsby’s goal was what lead Gastby to his success in life, but Nick knew that Gatsby would not achieve all of his dream. Such as getting Daisy.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mr. Gatsby has done a lot in his life for one thing, love. He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past. He believes that you can indeed live the past once again. But the truth is that you cant.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a complete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, or literary elements through a controlling idea. (“ Mr. Gatsby has done a lot in his life for one thing, love. He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past. He believes that you can indeed live the past once again. But the truth is that you cant.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits inadequate development of content. The writer fails to develop ideas and does not use any meaningful references to the text. (“ He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past. ”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“ Mr. Gatsby has done a lot in his life for one thing, love. He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past. He believes that you can indeed live the past once again. But the truth is that you cant.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The essay exhibits incoherent sentences, poor word choice, and little awareness of audience. (“He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. The errors contained within this essay significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“He has came into riches, started an bad buisness, and done plenty of crazy things to try to regain his past…. But the truth is that you cant.”)

Comparing Characters in “Everyday Use”

"Everyday Use" by Alice Walker is a short story exploring one particular culture's historical traditions. The two sisters, although raised in the same family, have very different ideas of how to best preserve their heritage. In a multi-paragraph essay, compare and contrast Maggie and Dee based on their motivations, personalities, and points of view with respect to preserving their heritage. Make sure to include specific details and examples from the story in your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Two quilts, uniquely patched over the years, sit in a trunk in Mama's small house. The soft folds of the quilts contain a diverse array of patterns and fabrics, but embedded in the hand-stitched seams also lie a myriad of memories. These two simple quilts, humble in their designs, modest in their colors, and thrifty in their compositions, are symbols of heritage in Alice Walker's short story, "Everyday Use." These two quilts become the objects of conflict in the story, and the differences over the quilts between two sisters, Maggie and Dee, become vividly apparent. Maggie and Dee are similar, in that both come to have an earnest desire to preserve their heritage. The motivations, personalities, and points of view of these two sisters are both alike and different and depict Maggie, Mama, and Dee as three women sewn together in a struggle over their heritage.

In the context of the motivations for preserving their heritage, Maggie and Dee are similar in that both come to see an importance in heritage. The importance Maggie sees in her heritage, particularly in the quilts, is apparent when the author implies frustration in Maggie upon hearing Dee's desire for the quilts. After Dee made her request for the quilts, Mama, "...heard something fall in the kitchen, and a minute later the kitchen door slammed." Maggie must have been shocked by Dee's sudden desire for the family heirlooms. Knowing how Dee usually got what she wanted, frustration must have caused Maggie to slam the kitchen door. The importance Dee sees in the quilts is evident when her anger and frustration mount after Mama's resistance to giving her the items. "But they’re priceless!' she was saying now, furiously; for she had a temper. “Maggie would put them on the bed and in five years they'd be in rags. Less than that!" Dee saw a unique and unmatched quality in the old quilts, and it enraged her that Mama was actually planning on giving them to Maggie. This quality of essence the two sisters come to see in heritage is what pushes them to preserve the objects.

Once it has been established that both Maggie and Dee see an importance in their heritage, the reader realizes that there is a stark difference in the reason each sister sees an importance to the heirlooms. Maggie's motivations center on memories of her family members, while the importance Dee sees in the heirlooms centers on her style. When Dee's husband, Hakim-a-barber, asks, "Uncle Buddy whittle that, too?” regarding the family dasher, Mama notes that, "Aunt Dee's first husband whittled the dash, “said Maggie, so low you almost couldn't hear her. “His name was Henry, but they called him Stash." Maggie's low voice suggests intense but concealed emotion. Moreover, the clarity with which she describes who whittled the dasher shows that heritage for Maggie is really a tangible reminder, a conduit through which memories of family members can be cherished once again. The memories of her ancestors are important to Maggie, and perhaps her strongest motivation for preserving their heritage. On the contrary, Dee's motivation seems based in her style. Mama narrates that, "I had offered Dee, (Wangero), a quilt when she went away to college. Then she had told me they were old-fashioned, out of style." Yet Dee comes back to Mama asking for the precious quilts. When Dee expressed earlier her desire to take the churn and dasher she said, "I can use the churn top as a centerpiece for the alcove table, " and, "and I'll think of something artistic to do with the dasher." It becomes apparent that Dee wants to preserve the objects of her heritage for the value they have as objects, rather than the personal and intimate meanings they have as memories for Maggie.

Maggie and Dee significantly differ in each one’s personality in preserving heritage. While Dee is demanding, forceful, and bold, Maggie is timid, fearful, and passive. Dee's forcefulness and persistence to satisfy her wants becomes apparent when her tone changes with Mama's growing resistance to give her the quilts. At first, "Mama,” Wangero said sweet as a bird. “Can I have these old quilts?" Then, when Mama expressed her plan to give the quilts to Maggie upon her wedding for everyday use, "Dee (Wangero) looked at me with hatred." This sudden switch in Dee's expressions depicts the tactfulness and forcefulness she captivates in her personality. Dee uses these personality traits to attain what she wants, in this case, the preservation of heirlooms as decorations for her style. Antipodal to Dee in terms of personality, Maggie is timid, fearful, and passive. When Dee told Mama and Maggie that she wanted to take home the dasher and churn, Maggie did not object. She clearly felt passionate about the dasher and churn. This is evident through her reply to Hakim-a-barber's question on whether Uncle Buddy whittled the instruments. When Dee seized the quilts, so precious to Maggie, she still did not resist. Instead, "She can have them, Mama," she [Maggie] said, like somebody used to never winning anything, or having anything reserved for her." Maggie's distinctive timidity and lack of resistance does not help her keep the objects of heritage, and without Mama's intervention, Dee would have gone home with the two quilts.

When analyzing Maggie's and Dee's points of view on preserving heritage, the reader sees a vivid difference in the two sisters' perspectives on the true meaning of heritage. Dee sees heritage as tangible objects that express historical importance through their age and background. The author suggests that Maggie, on the other hand, sees true heritage as intangible, as the actual memories passed down from generation to generation. This is apparent when Maggie says, "She can have them Mama...I can 'member Grandma Dee without the quilts." With this statement, Maggie suggests that the sole purpose of heirlooms is to help one remember his ancestors. The likeliness of Maggie putting the quilts to everyday use suggests that she believes heritage is lived, not only preserved. When Mama asks Dee regarding the quilts, "What would you do with them?” Dee answers, "Hang them.” as if to say that that was the only thing you could do with quilts. Dee's point of view is that objects of heritage must be treasured and preserved because of their historical importance. Heritage for Dee is not something to live; it is solely a reminder of the past amidst the style of the present.

In sum, Maggie and Dee are very different as sisters. They both are motivated to preserve their heritage by an importance they see in it, but differ in the way their specific motivations and personalities mold their points of view on exactly how and why heritage should be preserved. In this short story, "Everyday Use," Alice Walker sews a quilt of her own, in which the contrasting characters of Maggie and Dee are depicted in unique and intricate patterns.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection effectively. The writer artfully describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear, descriptive details. (“ After Dee made her request for the quilts, Mama, ‘...heard something fall in the kitchen, and a minute later the kitchen door slammed.’ Maggie must have been shocked by Dee's sudden desire for the family heirlooms. Knowing how Dee usually got what she wanted, frustration must have caused Maggie to slam the kitchen door. The importance Dee sees in the quilts is evident when her anger and frustration mount after Mama's resistance to giving her the items. ‘But they’re priceless!' she was saying now, furiously; for she had a temper. ‘Maggie would put them on the bed and in five years they'd be in rags. Less than that!’ Dee saw a unique and unmatched quality in the old quilts, and it enraged her that Mama was actually planning on giving them to Maggie. ”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“These two quilts become the objects of conflict in the story, and the differences over the quilts between two sisters, Maggie and Dee, become vividly apparent. Maggie and Dee are similar, in that both come to have an earnest desire to preserve their heritage. The motivations, personalities, and points of view of these two sisters are both alike and different and depict Maggie, Mama, and Dee as three women sewn together in a struggle over their heritage.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ When analyzing Maggie's and Dee's points of view on preserving heritage, the reader sees a vivid difference in the two sisters' perspectives on the true meaning of heritage. Dee sees heritage as tangible objects that express historical importance through their age and background. The author suggests that Maggie, on the other hand, sees true heritage as intangible, as the actual memories passed down from generation to generation. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ When Dee's husband, Hakim-a-barber, asks, ‘Uncle Buddy whittle that, too?’ regarding the family dasher, Mama notes that, ‘Aunt Dee's first husband whittled the dash, ‘said Maggie, so low you almost couldn't hear her. ‘His name was Henry, but they called him Stash.’ Maggie's low voice suggests intense but concealed emotion. Moreover, the clarity with which she describes who whittled the dasher shows that heritage for Maggie is really a tangible reminder, a conduit through which memories of family members can be cherished once again. ”)

The essay includes pivotal dialogue exchanges between characters to further illustrate the differences between the sisters. (“…‘ She can have them Mama...I can 'member Grandma Dee without the quilts.’ With this statement, Maggie suggests that the sole purpose of heirlooms is to help one remember his ancestors. The likeliness of Maggie putting the quilts to everyday use suggests that she believes heritage is lived, not only preserved. When Mama asks Dee regarding the quilts, ‘What would you do with them?’ Dee answers, ‘Hang them.’ as if to say that that was the only thing you could do with quilts. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“When Dee told Mama and Maggie that she wanted to take home the dasher and churn, Maggie did not object. She clearly felt passionate about the dasher and churn. This is evident through her reply to Hakim-a-barber's question on whether Uncle Buddy whittled the instruments. When Dee seized the quilts, so precious to Maggie, she still did not resist. Instead, ‘She can have them, Mama,’ she [Maggie] said, like somebody used to never winning anything, or having anything reserved for her.’ Maggie's distinctive timidity and lack of resistance does not help her keep the objects of heritage, and without Mama's intervention, Dee would have gone home with the two quilts.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and an effective use of transitional devices throughout is demonstrated.

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by comparing the relationship between two sisters to the intricate patterns of a quilt. (“ Two quilts, uniquely patched over the years, sit in a trunk in Mama's small house. The soft folds of the quilts contain a diverse array of patterns and fabrics, but embedded in the hand-stitched seams also lie a myriad of memories. These two simple quilts, humble in their designs, modest in their colors, and thrifty in their compositions, are symbols of heritage in Alice Walker's short story, ‘Everyday Use.’ These two quilts become the objects of conflict in the story, and the differences over the quilts between two sisters, Maggie and Dee, become vividly apparent. Maggie and Dee are similar, in that both come to have an earnest desire to preserve their heritage. The motivations, personalities, and points of view of these two sisters are both alike and different and depict Maggie, Mama, and Dee as three women sewn together in a struggle over their heritage.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Maggie and Dee significantly differ in each one’s personality in preserving heritage. While Dee is demanding, forceful, and bold, Maggie is timid, fearful, and passive. Dee's forcefulness and persistence to satisfy her wants becomes apparent when her tone changes with Mama's growing resistance to give her the quilts. At first, ‘Mama,’ Wangero said sweet as a bird. ‘Can I have these old quilts?’ Then, when Mama expressed her plan to give the quilts to Maggie upon her wedding for everyday use, ‘Dee, (Wangero), looked at me with hatred.’ This sudden switch in Dee's expressions depicts the tactfulness and forcefulness she captivates in her personality. Dee uses these personality traits to attain what she wants, in this case, the preservation of heirlooms as decorations for her style. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In sum, Maggie and Dee are very different as sisters. They both are motivated to preserve their heritage by an importance they see in it, but differ in the way their specific motivations and personalities mold their points of view on exactly how and why heritage should be preserved. In this short story, ‘Everyday Use,’ Alice Walker sews a quilt of her own, in which the contrasting characters of Maggie and Dee are depicted in unique and intricate patterns.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story to illustrate the differences that exist between the two sisters. (“ The author suggests that Maggie, on the other hand, sees true heritage as intangible, as the actual memories passed down from generation to generation. This is apparent when Maggie says, ‘She can have them Mama...I can 'member Grandma Dee without the quilts.’ With this statement, Maggie suggests that the sole purpose of heirlooms is to help one remember his ancestors. The likeliness of Maggie putting the quilts to everyday use suggests that she believes heritage is lived, not only preserved. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of each sister for the readers so that by the end of the response, the readers clearly understand the stark differences between them. (“ When Dee seized the quilts, so precious to Maggie, she still did not resist. Instead, ‘She can have them, Mama,’ she [Maggie] said, like somebody used to never winning anything, or having anything reserved for her.’ Maggie's distinctive timidity and lack of resistance does not help her keep the objects of heritage, and without Mama's intervention, Dee would have gone home with the two quilts.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The importance Dee sees in the quilts is evident when her anger and frustration mount after Mama's resistance to giving her the items. "But they’re priceless!' she was saying now, furiously; for she had a temper. “Maggie would put them on the bed and in five years they'd be in rags. Less than that!" Dee saw a unique and unmatched quality in the old quilts, and it enraged her that Mama was actually planning on giving them to Maggie. This quality of essence the two sisters come to see in heritage is what pushes them to preserve the objects.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ These two quilts become the objects of conflict in the story, and the differences over the quilts between two sisters, Maggie and Dee, become vividly apparent. Maggie and Dee are similar, in that both come to have an earnest desire to preserve their heritage. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It is very natural for siblings to argue whether they are raised in the same family or not, whether they disagree on the simplest things or more serious and complex. For example, simple things such as a toy or a silly argument can cause a rift. Even more complex, a physical fight can ruin a relationship as well. Even heritage can come between siblings. In "Everyday Use" by Alice Walker, two siblings Dee and Maggie have two views on how to preserve heritage. Throughout the story, differences between the girls continue onward. Dee, the more materialistic of the two, has become recently obsessed with her African heritage. She is selfish and a tad bit self conscious. Maggie is the more gentle and shy of the two. She was scarred by a previous house fire and believes that heritage should be passed on by wearing it out; what it was originally made for. The sisters' mother had set aside a handmade quilt just for Maggie's wedding and Maggie was particularly excited about this. Overall, the two girls are quite different throughout the story for many reasons including their motivations, personalities, points of view, and how they think they want to preserve their heritage.

The motivations of the two girls to have the quilt are obviously quite opposite. Maggie, being the shy and more modest sister had planned with their mother that she would be given the quilt on the day of her marriage. She also knew that she was going to use the quilt. Dee, over the years had grown extremely and undeniably materialistic and her motivation was to astound the community and brag about her African heritage. All of a sudden she had this obsession with her heritage. It was if that was the vogue then so she had to be a part of it. She even went home to collect antiques to show off in her own home. The motivations of the two girls are apparently opposite as are most of their views.

If anything was the most different, it had to be the girls' personalities. Maggie was introverted and slightly insecure about herself. She had been burnt in a fire and this had affected her appearance greatly. She would ask her mother how she looked just to hear that she looked nice. Personally, I don't blame her for being insecure about her scars but that is just a flaw in her personality. She is meek and does not want to attract any attention to herself. Whether it is because of her scars or not, she doesn't use the scars as a crutch. Dee on the other hand is quite the character. Since leaving the house, she has become rather money-oriented and selfish. She had to have the best and secluded herself from her family, not wanting her friends to meet them. Instead of even mentioning them, she would avoid the subject completely. She had to have the latest fashion trends and wished for the most expensive of things. Out of these examples, it is evident that their personalities are completely and undoubtedly contradictory.

Due to the house fire, their points of view have clearly split in two. Since Maggie had been scarred, her points of view on everything had been altered. In her opinion, heritage should be passed on through use and not just to look at. When the blanket was quilted, it was meant to be used and Maggie believes that; that is how it should always be. She was ready to receive it for her wedding when Dee asked her mother if she could take it. Maggie had heard and was sorely disappointed, but their mother denied Dee's request. She had promised Maggie that when she married, she would inherit the handmade quilt. Dee only wanted to hang the quilt in her house, obviously to show off to her friends and the rest of her visitors. Since the fire did not harm Dee, she had just gone on with her life and continued living up to others' standards. The fire was not the only thing that had altered the girls' opinions, but it could be one of the most influential things.

Although there are some similarities between the girls, like their interest in their heritage, the divergence overpowers the comparisons by far. As far as siblings go, most of them do not get along. Of course there has got to be something they have in common but they usually fight over the simplest of things. Even heritage can come between siblings. It would not be uncommon for the two of them to argue or disagree. This would probably go on for the remainder of their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on a comparison between the two sisters throughout the essay. (“ Throughout the story, differences between the girls continue onward. Dee, the more materialistic of the two, has become recently obsessed with her African heritage. She is selfish and a tad bit self conscious. Maggie is the more gentle and shy of the two. She was scarred by a previous house fire and believes that heritage should be passed on by wearing it out; what it was originally made for. The sisters' mother had set aside a handmade quilt just for Maggie's wedding and Maggie was particularly excited about this. Overall, the two girls are quite different throughout the story for many reasons including their motivations, personalities, points of view, and how they think they want to preserve their heritage. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Due to the house fire, their points of view have clearly split in two. Since Maggie had been scarred, her points of view on everything had been altered. In her opinion, heritage should be passed on through use and not just to look at. When the blanket was quilted, it was meant to be used and Maggie believes that; that is how it should always be. She was ready to receive it for her wedding when Dee asked her mother if she could take it. Maggie had heard and was sorely disappointed, but their mother denied Dee's request. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the sisters’ motivations, personalities, points of view, and how they think they want to preserve their heritage. (“ Dee on the other hand is quite the character. Since leaving the house, she has become rather money-oriented and selfish. She had to have the best and secluded herself from her family, not wanting her friends to meet them. Instead of even mentioning them, she would avoid the subject completely. She had to have the latest fashion trends and wished for the most expensive of things. Out of these examples, it is evident that their personalities are completely and undoubtedly contradictory. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly and uses a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The motivations of the two girls to have the quilt are obviously quite opposite. Maggie, being the shy and more modest sister had planned with their mother that she would be given the quilt on the day of her marriage. She also knew that she was going to use the quilt. Dee, over the years had grown extremely and undeniably materialistic and her motivation was to astound the community and brag about her African heritage. All of a sudden she had this obsession with her heritage.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“When the blanket was quilted, it was meant to be used and Maggie believes that; that is how it should always be. She was ready to receive it for her wedding when Dee asked her mother if she could take it. Maggie had heard and was sorely disappointed, but their mother denied Dee's request. She had promised Maggie that when she married, she would inherit the handmade quilt. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“If anything was the most different, it had to be the girls' personalities. Maggie was introverted and slightly insecure about herself. She had been burnt in a fire and this had affected her appearance greatly. She would ask her mother how she looked just to hear that she looked nice. Personally, I don't blame her for being insecure about her scars but that is just a flaw in her personality. She is meek and does not want to attract any attention to herself.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay reflects a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ It is very natural for siblings to argue whether they are raised in the same family or not, whether they disagree on the simplest things or more serious and complex. For example, simple things such as a toy or a silly argument can cause a rift. Even more complex, a physical fight can ruin a relationship as well. Even heritage can come between siblings.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Throughout the story, differences between the girls continue onward. Dee, the more materialistic of the two, has become recently obsessed with her African heritage. She is selfish and a tad bit self conscious. Maggie is the more gentle and shy of the two. She was scarred by a previous house fire and believes that heritage should be passed on by wearing it out; what it was originally made for. The sisters' mother had set aside a handmade quilt just for Maggie's wedding and Maggie was particularly excited about this. Overall, the two girls are quite different throughout the story for many reasons including their motivations, personalities, points of view, and how they think they want to preserve their heritage. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Although there are some similarities between the girls, like their interest in their heritage, the divergence overpowers the comparisons by far. As far as siblings go, most of them do not get along. Of course there has got to be something they have in common but they usually fight over the simplest of things. Even heritage can come between siblings. It would not be uncommon for the two of them to argue or disagree. This would probably go on for the remainder of their lives. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Maggie was introverted and slightly insecure about herself. She had been burnt in a fire and this had affected her appearance greatly. She would ask her mother how she looked just to hear that she looked nice. Personally, I don't blame her for being insecure about her scars but that is just a flaw in her personality. She is meek and does not want to attract any attention to herself. Whether it is because of her scars or not, she doesn't use the scars as a crutch. Dee on the other hand is quite the character. Since leaving the house, she has become rather money-oriented and selfish. She had to have the best and secluded herself from her family, not wanting her friends to meet them. Instead of even mentioning them, she would avoid the subject completely. She had to have the latest fashion trends and wished for the most expensive of things. Out of these examples, it is evident that their personalities are completely and undoubtedly contradictory. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ When the blanket was quilted, it was meant to be used and Maggie believes that; that is how it should always be. She was ready to receive it for her wedding when Dee asked her mother if she could take it. Maggie had heard and was sorely disappointed, but their mother denied Dee's request. She had promised Maggie that when she married, she would inherit the handmade quilt. Dee only wanted to hang the quilt in her house, obviously to show off to her friends and the rest of her visitors. Since the fire did not harm Dee, she had just gone on with her life and continued living up to others' standards. The fire was not the only thing that had altered the girls' opinions, but it could be one of the most influential things. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ The motivations of the two girls to have the quilt are obviously quite opposite. Maggie, being the shy and more modest sister had planned with their mother that she would be given the quilt on the day of her marriage. She also knew that she was going to use the quilt. Dee, over the years had grown extremely and undeniably materialistic and her motivation was to astound the community and brag about her African heritage. All of a sudden she had this obsession with her heritage. It was if that was the vogue then so she had to be a part of it. She even went home to collect antiques to show off in her own home. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with appropriate punctuation marks, use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and begin with capital letters. (“ Dee, the more materialistic of the two, has become recently obsessed with her African heritage. She is selfish and a tad bit self conscious. Maggie is the more gentle and shy of the two. She was scarred by a previous house fire and believes that heritage should be passed on by wearing it out; what it was originally made for. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Heritage. How do you preserve it? You could make meals that have been handed down for generation to generation, read books about your culture, or even keep old photographs. It does not matter how you preserve your heritage, it only matters that you do. If nobody preserved their heritage how would we have any religion? Our heritage plays an important role in the history of the world. If we do not have any history how could we learn from past mistakes? How would we have any technology? In "Everyday Use," by Alice Walker, two sisters Maggie and Dee are fighting over quilts that identify their African heritage. They both have different views on how they should preserve their heritage.

Dee felt that the best way to preserve her heritage was to preserve her African descent. Dee was the older sibling that did everything. She went to college, got a good job and did well for herself. While on her own she had friends that told her about their heritage. Through their influence, she felt the need to have the quilts that show her heritage and she changed her name. This is important because she changed it to an African name. This shows that she wanted physical matter to preserve her heritage. So one day, she heads back to her home town to get the quilts. The quilts were from her aunt, and they showed African pictures and symbols. She thought that the best way to preserve her heritage was to obtain the quilts and hang them up so they would not be destroyed. Which seems plausible so the quilts could be handed down to her child and that child's child. Through her changed name and hanging up the quilts, it is obvious that she wants to preserve her African heritage.

Maggie thought the best way to preserve her heritage was to preserve her recent family. Maggie was the younger sibling and in her youth was caught in a house fire, in which she obtained terrible scars. When Dee showed up, Maggie was about to get married. Her mother was going to give them to her for a wedding present. Maggie wanted to use them to remember her mom and Aunt. Dee said, "Maggie will use them until they are worn out and tattered." She was right. Maggie would have used them until they were gone. Maggie would have used them to keep a little bit of her family. As Mrs. Anderson said, "My quilt was used when I wanted to feel my family. When I rapped the fabric around me it was like my whole family embracing me." Maggie wanted to keep her heritage by using the quilts. When she used them she would be able to feel her mom, even though she was not their. So she wanted to preserve her recent heritage.

Maggie and Dee had two very different views on how to preserve their heritage. Whether it was Dee and preserving her African Heritage or Maggie preserving her family heritage. The most important thing is that they preserved their heritage. Thanks to many people like Maggie and Dee we have preserved our heritage, and we have history. We have technology and most important we have religion. So the next time that you are making a meal, consider a recipe that your grandma or her grandma made when they were your age. The book, "Everyday Use" is very good at showing how to preserve your heritage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Our heritage plays an important role in the history of the world. If we do not have any history how could we learn from past mistakes? How would we have any technology? In ‘Everyday Use,’ by Alice Walker, two sisters Maggie and Dee are fighting over quilts that identify their African heritage. They both have different views on how they should preserve their heritage.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately compares the sisters and their views on preserving their heritage. (“ Maggie and Dee had two very different views on how to preserve their heritage. Whether it was Dee and preserving her African Heritage or Maggie preserving her family heritage. The most important thing is that they preserved their heritage. Thanks to many people like Maggie and Dee we have preserved our heritage, and we have history. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to devote a paragraph to each sister’s individual view on preserving heritage, and it is an adequate way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“ Dee felt that the best way to preserve her heritage was to preserve her African descent. Dee was the older sibling that did everything. She went to college, got a good job and did well for herself. While on her own she had friends that told her about their heritage. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ Dee felt that the best way to preserve her heritage was to preserve her African descent. Dee was the older sibling that did everything. She went to college, got a good job and did well for herself. While on her own she had friends that told her about their heritage. Through their influence, she felt the need to have the quilts that show her heritage and she changed her name. This is important because she changed it to an African name. This shows that she wanted physical matter to preserve her heritage. ”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ Dee said, ‘Maggie will use them until they are worn out and tattered.’ She was right. Maggie would have used them until they were gone. Maggie would have used them to keep a little bit of her family. As Mrs. Anderson said, ‘My quilt was used when I wanted to feel my family. When I rapped the fabric around me it was like my whole family embracing me.’ ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The quilts were from her aunt, and they showed African pictures and symbols. She thought that the best way to preserve her heritage was to obtain the quilts and hang them up so they would not be destroyed. Which seems plausible so the quilts could be handed down to her child and that child's child. Through her changed name and hanging up the quilts, it is obvious that she wants to preserve her African heritage.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Heritage. How do you preserve it? You could make meals that have been handed down for generation to generation, read books about your culture, or even keep old photographs. It does not matter how you preserve your heritage, it only matters that you do. If nobody preserved their heritage how would we have any religion? ”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Through their influence, she felt the need to have the quilts that show her heritage and she changed her name. This is important because she changed it to an African name. This shows that she wanted physical matter to preserve her heritage. So one day, she heads back to her home town to get the quilts. The quilts were from her aunt, and they showed African pictures and symbols. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Thanks to many people like Maggie and Dee we have preserved our heritage, and we have history. We have technology and most important we have religion. So the next time that you are making a meal, consider a recipe that your grandma or her grandma made when they were your age. The book, ‘Everyday Use’ is very good at showing how to preserve your heritage.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ So one day, she heads back to her home town to get the quilts. The quilts were from her aunt, and they showed African pictures and symbols. She thought that the best way to preserve her heritage was to obtain the quilts and hang them up so they would not be destroyed. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of each sister and provides their views on preserving heritage. (“ When Dee showed up, Maggie was about to get married. Her mother was going to give them to her for a wedding present. Maggie wanted to use them to remember her mom and Aunt. Dee said, ‘Maggie will use them until they are worn out and tattered.’ She was right. Maggie would have used them until they were gone.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Maggie would have used them to keep a little bit of her family. As Mrs. Anderson said, ‘My quilt was used when I wanted to feel my family. When I rapped the fabric around me it was like my whole family embracing me.’ Maggie wanted to keep her heritage by using the quilts. When she used them she would be able to feel her mom, even though she was not their. So she wanted to preserve her recent heritage.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I'm tell you a short story about "Everyday Use." Everyday Use is a short about a Mama, Maggie, and Dee. I'm only gone tell you about two a that's Maggie and Dee. The two sisters, although raised together in the same family, have very different ideas of how to best preserve their heritage.

I am going to tell you a little bit about Maggie first. Maggie's a sweet down to the earth person that do not argue with her sister for nothing. She always gives Dee what she wants no matter what she wants Maggie always gives it to her. If Mama tells her no Maggie wants get mad, or throw a fit she wants ask why or anything she'll let Mama get the last word. Maggie is not as skinny and pretty like Dee. Dee is lighter than Maggie with nicer hair and a fuller figure. Ten or twelve year ago the housed burned down. Maggie's arm was stuck to Mama because she was so scared. Her dress was falling to peace, her hair was smoking, and her eyes seemed stretched open, blazed open because of the flames reflected in them. Dee was standing under the sweet gum tree then she looked concentration as she watched the last dingy board of the house fall in toward the red hot brick chimney.

Dee thinks she is better then her family that why she changes her name to Wangero Leewanika Kemanjo. She wanted nice thing for herself. She also wanted the quilts but Mama already said Maggie could have them. So Dee got mad at her because she wouldn't give her the quilts. Maggie was happy because mama finally gave her wants she wanted. Maggie never gets what she wants she always gets told no. Dee on the other hand always gets told yes and Maggie always gets what she wants. This time is the other way around Dee gets told no and Maggie gets told yes. Dee doesn't want to use the quilts she just wants to hang them up and to ecmirer them, but Maggie wants to use them for her beds and stuff. This maybe the first time Dee heard the word no in her whole life time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The two sisters, although raised together in the same family, have very different ideas of how to best preserve their heritage.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the qualities of each sister, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“ Maggie never gets what she wants she always gets told no. Dee on the other hand always gets told yes and Maggie always gets what she wants. This time is the other way around Dee gets told no and Maggie gets told yes. Dee doesn't want to use the quilts she just wants to hang them up and to ecmirer them, but Maggie wants to use them for her beds and stuff. ”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Ten or twelve year ago the housed burned down. Maggie's arm was stuck to Mama because she was so scared. Her dress was falling to peace, her hair was smoking, and her eyes seemed stretched open, blazed open because of the flames reflected in them. Dee was standing under the sweet gum tree then she looked concentration as she watched the last dingy board of the house fall in toward the red hot brick chimney.”)

Content & Development

Content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Maggie's a sweet down to the earth person that do not argue with her sister for nothing. She always gives Dee what she wants no matter what she wants Maggie always gives it to her. If Mama tells her no Maggie wants get mad, or throw a fit she wants ask why or anything she'll let Mama get the last word. ”)

The essay contains limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ Dee thinks she is better then her family that why she changes her name to Wangero Leewanika Kemanjo. She wanted nice thing for herself. She also wanted the quilts but Mama already said Maggie could have them. So Dee got mad at her because she wouldn't give her the quilts. ”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“ Dee is lighter than Maggie with nicer hair and a fuller figure. Ten or twelve year ago the housed burned down. Maggie's arm was stuck to Mama because she was so scared. Her dress was falling to peace, her hair was smoking, and her eyes seemed stretched open, blazed open because of the flames reflected in them. ”)

Organization

The introduction states the controlling idea in a very limited way. (“ I'm tell you a short story about ‘Everyday Use.’ Everyday Use is a short about a Mama, Maggie, and Dee. I'm only gone tell you about two a that's Maggie and Dee. The two sisters, although raised together in the same family, have very different ideas of how to best preserve their heritage. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ I am going to tell you a little bit about Maggie first. Maggie's a sweet down to the earth person that do not argue with her sister for nothing. She always gives Dee what she wants no matter what she wants Maggie always gives it to her. If Mama tells her no Maggie wants get mad, or throw a fit she wants ask why or anything she'll let Mama get the last word. ”)

The conclusion does not serve to summarize or give the readers something to think about as it draws to a close. (“ Dee doesn't want to use the quilts she just wants to hang them up and to ecmirer them, but Maggie wants to use them for her beds and stuff. This maybe the first time Dee heard the word no in her whole life time. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Many sentence lengths are too short. The writer needs to add more details to make sentences interesting and more complex. (“ Maggie is not as skinny and pretty like Dee. Dee is lighter than Maggie with nicer hair and a fuller figure. Ten or twelve year ago the housed burned down. ”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay. (“ Maggie never gets what she wants she always gets told no. Dee on the other hand always gets told yes and Maggie always gets what she wants. This time is the other way around Dee gets told no and Maggie gets told yes. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Dee doesn't want to use the quilts she just wants to hang them up and to ecmirer them, but Maggie wants to use them for her beds and stuff. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), uses appropriate punctuation marks, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“Dee doesn't want to use the quilts she just wants to hang them up and to ecmirer them, but Maggie wants to use them for her beds and stuff. This maybe the first time Dee heard the word no in her whole life time.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Everyday use there are two sisters which are totally different but yet very similar at the same time you have the one that looks good and gets everything she wants and you have the ones whose not really physically appealing to anyone and works hard to get she wants. Their mother is a hard working woman. She s like the mother and father of the house she can do anything a man can do the same if not better.

Maggie is soft spoken. She envy s her sister. Maggie will most likely be the one who will be standing in a corner. Maggie is lighter than her sister Dee with nicer hair and a fuller figure. But no matter what she knows she still loves her sister Dee. Dee on the other hand wasn t really nice to Maggie her mother even thought that Dee might have hated Maggie. Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry. Dee didn t r4eally like the way they were living she didn t like the idea of her mother doing all those manly things she would rather have her mother be one of those ladies who take care of their appearance.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions a few differences between the sisters; however, because of weak details and confusing organization, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry. Dee didn t r4eally like the way they were living she didn t like the idea of her mother doing all those manly things she would rather have her mother be one of those ladies who take care of their appearance.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because the essay does not contain relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for comparing the two sisters. (“Dee on the other hand wasn t really nice to Maggie her mother even thought that Dee might have hated Maggie. Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the differences between the sisters and how this affects their views on preserving their heritage. (“ Maggie is lighter than her sister Dee with nicer hair and a fuller figure. But no matter what she knows she still loves her sister Dee. Dee on the other hand wasn t really nice to Maggie her mother even thought that Dee might have hated Maggie. Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry. Dee didn t r4eally like the way they were living she didn t like the idea of her mother doing all those manly things she would rather have her mother be one of those ladies who take care of their appearance.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are minimal in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address a comparison between the two sisters in the story but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the differences in the main characters and their implications. (“Dee on the other hand wasn t really nice to Maggie her mother even thought that Dee might have hated Maggie. Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Maggie is soft spoken. She envy s her sister. Maggie will most likely be the one who will be standing in a corner.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no organized main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In the story Everyday use there are two sisters which are totally different but yet very similar at the same time you have the one that looks good and gets everything she wants and you have the ones whose not really physically appealing to anyone and works hard to get she wants. Their mother is a hard working woman. She s like the mother and father of the house she can do anything a man can do the same if not better.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is minimal use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In the story Everyday use there are two sisters which are totally different but yet very similar at the same time you have the one that looks good and gets everything she wants and you have the ones whose not really physically appealing to anyone and works hard to get she wants.”)

The writer does not create organized, supporting paragraphs to effectively compare the two sisters in the story. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Maggie is soft spoken. She envy s her sister. Maggie will most likely be the one who will be standing in a corner. Maggie is lighter than her sister Dee with nicer hair and a fuller figure. But no matter what she knows she still loves her sister Dee.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the comparison between the sisters, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Dee didn t r4eally like the way they were living she didn t like the idea of her mother doing all those manly things she would rather have her mother be one of those ladies who take care of their appearance. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ In the story Everyday use there are two sisters which are totally different but yet very similar at the same time you have the one that looks good and gets everything she wants and you have the ones whose not really physically appealing to anyone and works hard to get she wants.”)

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal in the essay. (“ Their mother is a hard working woman. She s like the mother and father of the house she can do anything a man can do the same if not better.”)

Many of the sentences are short and do not convey the writer’s message in an effective way. (“ Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), assure appropriate punctuation marks, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Dee on the other hand wasn t really nice to Maggie her mother even thought that Dee might have hated Maggie. Dee always tried to stand out by wearing extravagant things. Things that were bright she also had on jewelry. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story of "Everyday Use" by Alice Walker it talks about two sisters that they have a different lives with each other. Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. They all live in a small and poor place. maggie is she has skinny boby Maggie gets mad at dee the older sister because she showed the quilt to everyone and Maggie gets mad at her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what specific comparisons are being made between the two sisters in the story. (“ Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. They all live in a small and poor place. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ In the story of ‘Everyday Use’ by Alice Walker it talks about two sisters that they have a different lives with each other. Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“maggie is she has skinny boby Maggie gets mad at dee the older sister because she showed the quilt to everyone and Maggie gets mad at her.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support a comparison of characters’ qualities presented in the story.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The attempts to address a comparison between Dee and Maggie but does not develop the ideas in any way. (“ Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ They all live in a small and poor place. ”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In the story of ‘Everyday Use’ by Alice Walker it talks about two sisters that they have a different lives with each other. Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. They all live in a small and poor place. maggie is she has skinny boby Maggie gets mad at dee the older sister because she showed the quilt to everyone and Maggie gets mad at her.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In the story of ‘Everyday Use’ by Alice Walker it talks about two sisters that they have a different lives with each other. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. They all live in a small and poor place. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ maggie is she has skinny boby Maggie gets mad at dee the older sister because she showed the quilt to everyone and Maggie gets mad at her.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ maggie is she has skinny boby Maggie gets mad at dee the older sister because she showed the quilt to everyone and Maggie gets mad at her. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ In the story of ‘Everyday Use’ by Alice Walker it talks about two sisters that they have a different lives with each other. Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Maggie the younger sister she is quiet Dee is the older sister of Maggie she is confuse. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Comparing Sonnets

Both "Sonnet 43" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare delve into the passions of fervent love. After carefully reading both poems, write a multi-paragraph essay comparing and contrasting the two sonnets based upon poetic devices such as word choice, figurative language, and imagery. Use specific examples and details from the sonnets in your comparison.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Both "Sonnet 43" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare are considered to be two of the most influential and well recognized love poems of all time. Both sonnets delve into feelings of intense and eternal love. In analyzing these sonnets one must first discover the theme, who is speaking, to whom and what about. Syntax is another important element used to analyze poetry. Word choice and imagery are also important. Word choice often tells us more about who is speaking, while imagery gives the reader a visual. Both "Sonnet 43" and "Sonnet 116" are love sonnets, and to examine both we must compare and contrast the poetic devices used in each poem.

The first step in comparing and contrasting "Sonnet 43" and "Sonnet 116" is to juxtapose their meanings. Both sonnets describe the authors’ love for another person. They are speaking to whom they love. While both sonnets delve into passionate romance they have many differences. Both sonnets describe someone who is madly in love. Browning loves 'to the depth and breadth and height... my soul can reach.' She loves with her whole being, 'freely' (genuinely) and 'purely '(willingly). She states 'I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints.' This line describes how she loves with the free love of an unassuming, happy child. She ends by saying, 'and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death' explaining that even if he dies she will always love him and they will have each other eternally.

Shakespeare's sonnet is very similar in theme. He starts his sonnet on an equally optimistic note, starting with 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.' However, his tune seems to change as the sonnet moves on. He compares the pulchritude of who is he in love with to a summer's day, but he explains that the summer doesn't last: 'Summer's lease hath all too short a date' and how beauty fades over time: 'and every fair from fair sometimes delines.' He quickly draws the mood back into his normal obsequious behavior proclaiming that 'but thy eternal summer shall not fade.' However, unlike Browning, Shakespeare ends on a different note. Rather than loving his love after death he explains that 'so long as men can breath, or eyes can see, so long lives this, and gives life to thee' she shall be loved. Comparatively, this is very different from Browning's final message. Browning says that she and the person she loves will love each other for all eternity while Shakespeare states that as long as men can read his debonair sonnet she will be remembered. Both sonnets are optimistic and send a lot of praise to the subject of their sonnet; however, Browning's sonnet mentions that she will love him after death, and Shakespeare's sonnet makes us believe that eternity is really preserved in art and writing.

Syntax is another poetic device we will use to explore and compare these two sonnets. Both sonnets consist of 14 lines and use iambic pentameter. This creates cadence in the flow of the sonnet. However, Shakespeare's sonnet is considered an English sonnet whereas Browning's sonnet is an Italian sonnet. The rhyme scheme is the main difference. Shakespeare's sonnet follows conventional English sonnet rhyming rule. It adheres to the typical ABABCDCDEFEFGG format with the last two lines being a couplet separate from the rest of the rhyme scheme. Browning's sonnet follows Italian rules. The rhyme scheme in Browning's poem is ABBA followed by CDCDCD.

Word choice follows syntax because they are so closely related. Syntax is used to describe the bone structure of the poem while word choice is the structure in action. For example, the rhyme scheme in "Sonnet 43" is ABBA in the beginning. The word choice here to achieve this rhyming pattern is 'ways' 'height' 'sight' and 'grace'. Later Browning uses internal rhyme 'depth' and 'breadth'. There is a significant amount of alliteration in this poem. For example, 'I love thee' and 'with' use the same 'th' sound. Comparatively, Shakespeare's sonnet chooses to manipulate words, such as 'ow'st' and 'grow'st,' to create his rhyme scheme. This sort of rhyming requires a lot of cogitating.

Imagery is probably the most important element used in these sonnets. Shakespeare and Browning employ a lot of figurative language to improve and add to the imagery of the sonnet. Both poets use hyperboles to over exaggerate their love. An example of this is Browning's line: 'I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candle-light' where she explains she needs her love as much as she needs candle light or the sun. Although this creates a strong image of true love it isn't necessarily true. By comparison, Shakespeare uses the hyperbole 'but they eternal summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st'. A line that is very different from Browning's but is still an example of a hyperbole is when Shakespeare states that not even death will touch the one he loves. This, of course, is not true as everyone dies. Anaphora and irony are also types of figurative language that are used to embellish poetry. Browning uses anaphora when she starts with 'How do I love thee?' and continues to use this line. She repeats, ‘I love thee' eight times adding great emphasis to the phrase. Shakespeare's sonnet, by contrast, doesn't repeat as many words. Shakespeare’s sonnet, however, repeats imagery of summer from beginning to end. Irony is another important poetic device that isn't really touched upon in either poem. It is more prominent in Shakespeare's poem when he states 'but thy eternal summer shall not fade' and concludes with 'so long lives this, and this gives life to thee'. This is ironic because her beauty does fade and she does die, but the poem lives on forever. The subject of irony is present in "Sonnet 43" but it is not as prominent. Both sonnets use a great deal of imagery that uses figurative language to enhance their writing.

Shakespeare's "Sonnet 116" and Browning's "Sonnet 43" are great literary pieces by luminary figures in writing. They are both important to understanding the trials of love in everyday life. When comparing and contrasting two great sonnets one must first consider what the sonnet is about, who is speaking and to whom. One must consider syntax as the backbone for the sonnet as well as how the word choice affects the sonnet as a whole. Imagery is probably the most important literary tool poets use. Shakespeare and Browning use imagery to further explain their love in a way they couldn't just simply state. In conclusion, poetic devices can be used to compare and contrast sonnets to help us further understand their cryptic meanings.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed within this essay. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the two sonnets and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The first step in comparing and contrasting ‘Sonnet 43’ and ‘Sonnet 116’ is to juxtapose their meanings. Both sonnets describe the authors’ love for another person. They are speaking to whom they love. While both sonnets delve into passionate romance they have many differences. Both sonnets describe someone who is madly in love. Browning loves 'to the depth and breadth and height... my soul can reach.' She loves with her whole being, 'freely' (genuinely) and 'purely '(willingly). She states 'I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints.' This line describes how she loves with the free love of an unassuming, happy child. She ends by saying, 'and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death' explaining that even if he dies she will always love him and they will have each other eternally.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ Syntax is another poetic device we will use to explore and compare these two sonnets. Both sonnets consist of 14 lines and use iambic pentameter. This creates cadence in the flow of the sonnet. However, Shakespeare's sonnet is considered an English sonnet whereas Browning's sonnet is an Italian sonnet. The rhyme scheme is the main difference. Shakespeare's sonnet follows conventional English sonnet rhyming rule. It adheres to the typical ABABCDCDEFEFGG format with the last two lines being a couplet separate from the rest of the rhyme scheme. Browning's sonnet follows Italian rules. The rhyme scheme in Browning's poem is ABBA followed by CDCDCD.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Word choice often tells us more about who is speaking, while imagery gives the reader a visual. Both ‘Sonnet 43’ and ‘Sonnet 116’ are love sonnets, and to examine both we must compare and contrast the poetic devices used in each poem.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the sonnets. (“ Imagery is probably the most important element used in these sonnets. Shakespeare and Browning employ a lot of figurative language to improve and add to the imagery of the sonnet. Both poets use hyperboles to over exaggerate their love. An example of this is Browning's line: 'I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candle-light' where she explains she needs her love as much as she needs candle light or the sun. Although this creates a strong image of true love it isn't necessarily true. By comparison, Shakespeare uses the hyperbole 'but they eternal summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st'. A line that is very different from Browning's but is still an example of a hyperbole is when Shakespeare states that not even death will touch the one he loves.”)

Relevant points explain and illustrate the similarities and differences between the two sonnets very effectively. (“ Imagery is probably the most important element used in these sonnets. Shakespeare and Browning employ a lot of figurative language to improve and add to the imagery of the sonnet. Both poets use hyperboles to over exaggerate their love. An example of this is Browning's line: 'I love thee to the level of every day's most quiet need, by sun and candle-light' where she explains she needs her love as much as she needs candle light or the sun. Although this creates a strong image of true love it isn't necessarily true. By comparison, Shakespeare uses the hyperbole 'but they eternal summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st'. A line that is very different from Browning's but is still an example of a hyperbole is when Shakespeare states that not even death will touch the one he loves.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Word choice follows syntax because they are so closely related. Syntax is used to describe the bone structure of the poem while word choice is the structure in action. For example, the rhyme scheme in ‘Sonnet 43’ is ABBA in the beginning. The word choice here to achieve this rhyming pattern is 'ways' 'height' 'sight' and 'grace'. Later Browning uses internal rhyme 'depth' and 'breadth'. There is a significant amount of alliteration in this poem. For example, 'I love thee' and 'with' use the same 'th' sound. Comparatively, Shakespeare's sonnet chooses to manipulate words, such as 'ow'st' and 'grow'st,' to create his rhyme scheme. This sort of rhyming requires a lot of cogitating.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ Both ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare are considered to be two of the most influential and well recognized love poems of all time. Both sonnets delve into feelings of intense and eternal love. In analyzing these sonnets one must first discover the theme, who is speaking, to whom and what about. Syntax is another important element used to analyze poetry. Word choice and imagery are also important. Word choice often tells us more about who is speaking, while imagery gives the reader a visual. Both ‘Sonnet 43’ and ‘Sonnet 116’ are love sonnets, and to examine both we must compare and contrast the poetic devices used in each poem.”)

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ Both ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare are considered to be two of the most influential and well recognized love poems of all time. Both sonnets delve into feelings of intense and eternal love. In analyzing these sonnets one must first discover the theme, who is speaking, to whom and what about. Syntax is another important element used to analyze poetry. Word choice and imagery are also important. Word choice often tells us more about who is speaking, while imagery gives the reader a visual. Both ‘Sonnet 43’ and ‘Sonnet 116’ are love sonnets, and to examine both we must compare and contrast the poetic devices used in each poem.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ Shakespeare's ‘Sonnet 116’ and Browning's ‘Sonnet 43’ are great literary pieces by luminary figures in writing. They are both important to understanding the trials of love in everyday life. When comparing and contrasting two great sonnets one must first consider what the sonnet is about, who is speaking and to whom. One must consider syntax as the backbone for the sonnet as well as how the word choice affects the sonnet as a whole. Imagery is probably the most important literary tool poets use. Shakespeare and Browning use imagery to further explain their love in a way they couldn't just simply state. In conclusion, poetic devices can be used to compare and contrast sonnets to help us further understand their cryptic meanings.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is seen in the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Shakespeare's ‘Sonnet 116’ and Browning's ‘Sonnet 43’ are great literary pieces by luminary figures in writing. They are both important to understanding the trials of love in everyday life. When comparing and contrasting two great sonnets one must first consider what the sonnet is about, who is speaking and to whom. One must consider syntax as the backbone for the sonnet as well as how the word choice affects the sonnet as a whole. Imagery is probably the most important literary tool poets use. Shakespeare and Browning use imagery to further explain their love in a way they couldn't just simply state. In conclusion, poetic devices can be used to compare and contrast sonnets to help us further understand their cryptic meanings.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the third and fourth body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ Syntax is another poetic device we will use to explore and compare these two sonnets. Both sonnets consist of 14 lines and use iambic pentameter. This creates cadence in the flow of the sonnet. However, Shakespeare's sonnet is considered an English sonnet whereas Browning's sonnet is an Italian sonnet. The rhyme scheme is the main difference. Shakespeare's sonnet follows conventional English sonnet rhyming rule. It adheres to the typical ABABCDCDEFEFGG format with the last two lines being a couplet separate from the rest of the rhyme scheme. Browning's sonnet follows Italian rules. The rhyme scheme in Browning's poem is ABBA followed by CDCDCD. …Word choice follows syntax because they are so closely related. Syntax is used to describe the bone structure of the poem while word choice is the structure in action. For example, the rhyme scheme in ‘Sonnet 43’ is ABBA in the beginning. The word choice here to achieve this rhyming pattern is 'ways' 'height' 'sight' and 'grace'. Later Browning uses internal rhyme 'depth' and 'breadth'. There is a significant amount of alliteration in this poem. For example, 'I love thee' and 'with' use the same 'th' sound. Comparatively, Shakespeare's sonnet chooses to manipulate words, such as 'ow'st' and 'grow'st,' to create his rhyme scheme. This sort of rhyming requires a lot of cogitating.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Although this creates a strong image of true love it isn't necessarily true.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer displays very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Syntax is another poetic device we will use to explore and compare these two sonnets. Both sonnets consist of 14 lines and use iambic pentameter. This creates cadence in the flow of the sonnet. However, Shakespeare's sonnet is considered an English sonnet whereas Browning's sonnet is an Italian sonnet.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Sonnets are a common form of poetry in which the main theme revolves around love. In "Sonnet 43" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare, both poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey the importance and power of love. These two poems obtain many similarities as well as differences, and although they are both about love, they use the literary devices differently to create specific emotions for the reader.

In both Sonnets, word choice is vital to the meaning of the poems. Both poems talk about the power of love, and through their word choice, the emotion shines through. In Shakespeare's poem, he discusses love in its most ideal form. Shakespeare shows that he is such a strong believer in love through his word choice. "If this error upon me be proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved." Shakespeare ends his sonnet with the powerful words of that if he is proved wrong about love, he will take back all he's ever written about love and easily say no man has ever loved. Ending his sonnet with these powerful words show that he believes very strongly in love and that he is willing to put his work on the line for his faith in love. In Brownings Sonnet, she also discusses love and its strength. Although, Browning writes the Sonnet to "thee" showing that she wrote it for her significant other. Browning uses word choice to display that love is eternal and can never be broken. "Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death." Through word choice, Browning makes it evident that she truly believes in love.

Throughout both Sonnets, both poets use figurative language to evoke the strong emotion of love. Shakespeare uses metaphors to describe love and marriage in its best forms. In line five, the declaration that love is "an ever-fixed mark" introduces this extended metaphor of love as a star to which we all look, showing that love is everywhere for everyone to obtain. Shakespeare also uses another metaphor in line 6 and 7 when describing the "tempests" that display that the idea of sea is a metaphor for a problem that might destroy a relationship. Through these metaphors, the reader can easily see that the poet takes love to the deepest levels. Browning uses anaphora in her poem to create a better understanding of the deep feelings of love. Browning uses anaphora, repeating the phrase, "I love thee," throughout various lines of the poem. The repetition of "I love thee" illustrates the importance of "thee" to the poet, and that she wants to emphasize that she is only talking about "thee".

Imagery is prominent in both Sonnets. Shakespeare uses imagery all throughout his poem. He uses imagery when discussing the star that everyone looks to. "It is the star to every wand'ring bark..." He also uses imagery when he says "...though rosy lips and cheeks..." Through the imagery, it helps the reader to create a better understanding and image of what the poet is exactly referring to. The imagery helps to make the poem more understandable and to make a mark in the readers mind. Browning also uses imagery in her Sonnet about love. "...by sun and candle-light..." The use of imagery such as the sun and candle-light help the reader to see that the poet is so passionate about love and that sometimes it will shine as bright as the sun, and other times it will be dim like candles, but either way love is still a light that never burns out.

In both Sonnets, the poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey love and its emotions. Through these literary devices, the reader sees that love is so intense and so important to the poets. The reader learns that love can be described a variety of ways instead of simply stating the obvious; and through literary devices, they learn to see that the love in the Sonnets is beautiful and powerful.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay shows evidence of good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the two sonnets and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ Sonnets are a common form of poetry in which the main theme revolves around love. In ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare, both poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey the importance and power of love. These two poems obtain many similarities as well as differences, and although they are both about love, they use the literary devices differently to create specific emotions for the reader.”)

The essay’s response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ Throughout both Sonnets, both poets use figurative language to evoke the strong emotion of love. Shakespeare uses metaphors to describe love and marriage in its best forms. In line five, the declaration that love is ‘an ever-fixed mark’ introduces this extended metaphor of love as a star to which we all look, showing that love is everywhere for everyone to obtain. Shakespeare also uses another metaphor in line 6 and 7 when describing the ‘tempests’ that display that the idea of sea is a metaphor for a problem that might destroy a relationship. Through these metaphors, the reader can easily see that the poet takes love to the deepest levels.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ These two poems obtain many similarities as well as differences, and although they are both about love, they use the literary devices differently to create specific emotions for the reader.”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the two sonnets.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the two sonnets. (“ In both Sonnets, word choice is vital to the meaning of the poems. Both poems talk about the power of love, and through their word choice, the emotion shines through. In Shakespeare's poem, he discusses love in its most ideal form. Shakespeare shows that he is such a strong believer in love through his word choice. ‘If this error upon me be proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.’ Shakespeare ends his sonnet with the powerful words of that if he is proved wrong about love, he will take back all he's ever written about love and easily say no man has ever loved.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the texts. (“ Imagery is prominent in both Sonnets. Shakespeare uses imagery all throughout his poem. He uses imagery when discussing the star that everyone looks to. ‘It is the star to every wand'ring bark...’ He also uses imagery when he says ‘...though rosy lips and cheeks...’ Through the imagery, it helps the reader to create a better understanding and image of what the poet is exactly referring to. The imagery helps to make the poem more understandable and to make a mark in the readers mind. Browning also uses imagery in her Sonnet about love. ‘...by sun and candle-light...’”)

Supporting details develop the example well. (“Imagery is prominent in both Sonnets. Shakespeare uses imagery all throughout his poem. He uses imagery when discussing the star that everyone looks to. ‘It is the star to every wand'ring bark...’ He also uses imagery when he says ‘...though rosy lips and cheeks...’ Through the imagery, it helps the reader to create a better understanding and image of what the poet is exactly referring to. The imagery helps to make the poem more understandable and to make a mark in the readers mind. Browning also uses imagery in her Sonnet about love. ‘...by sun and candle-light...’ The use of imagery such as the sun and candle-light help the reader to see that the poet is so passionate about love and that sometimes it will shine as bright as the sun, and other times it will be dim like candles, but either way love is still a light that never burns out.”)

Organization

The writer uses good organization in the essay in structuring its main ideas and concepts. The piece demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ Sonnets are a common form of poetry in which the main theme revolves around love. In ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare, both poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey the importance and power of love. These two poems obtain many similarities as well as differences, and although they are both about love, they use the literary devices differently to create specific emotions for the reader.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Throughout both Sonnets, both poets use figurative language to evoke the strong emotion of love. Shakespeare uses metaphors to describe love and marriage in its best forms.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. (“ In both Sonnets, the poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey love and its emotions. Through these literary devices, the reader sees that love is so intense and so important to the poets. The reader learns that love can be described a variety of ways instead of simply stating the obvious; and through literary devices, they learn to see that the love in the Sonnets is beautiful and powerful.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in the essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ Sonnets are a common form of poetry in which the main theme revolves around love. In ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare, both poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey the importance and power of love. These two poems obtain many similarities as well as differences, and although they are both about love, they use the literary devices differently to create specific emotions for the reader. …In both Sonnets, word choice is vital to the meaning of the poems. Both poems talk about the power of love, and through their word choice, the emotion shines through. In Shakespeare's poem, he discusses love in its most ideal form. Shakespeare shows that he is such a strong believer in love through his word choice.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ Throughout both Sonnets, both poets use figurative language to evoke the strong emotion of love. Shakespeare uses metaphors to describe love and marriage in its best forms. In line five, the declaration that love is ‘an ever-fixed mark’ introduces this extended metaphor of love as a star to which we all look, showing that love is everywhere for everyone to obtain. Shakespeare also uses another metaphor in line 6 and 7 when describing the ‘tempests’ that display that the idea of sea is a metaphor for a problem that might destroy a relationship. Through these metaphors, the reader can easily see that the poet takes love to the deepest levels. Browning uses anaphora in her poem to create a better understanding of the deep feelings of love. Browning uses anaphora, repeating the phrase, ‘I love thee,’ throughout various lines of the poem. The repetition of ‘I love thee’ illustrates the importance of ‘thee’ to the poet, and that she wants to emphasize that she is only talking about ‘thee’. …Imagery is prominent in both Sonnets. Shakespeare uses imagery all throughout his poem. He uses imagery when discussing the star that everyone looks to. ‘It is the star to every wand'ring bark...’ He also uses imagery when he says ‘...though rosy lips and cheeks...’ Through the imagery, it helps the reader to create a better understanding and image of what the poet is exactly referring to. The imagery helps to make the poem more understandable and to make a mark in the readers mind. Browning also uses imagery in her Sonnet about love. ‘...by sun and candle-light...’ The use of imagery such as the sun and candle-light help the reader to see that the poet is so passionate about love and that sometimes it will shine as bright as the sun, and other times it will be dim like candles, but either way love is still a light that never burns out.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ Both poems talk about the power of love, and through their word choice, the emotion shines through.”

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated throughout this essay. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ In both Sonnets, the poets use word choice, figurative language, and imagery to convey love and its emotions. Through these literary devices, the reader sees that love is so intense and so important to the poets.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Love can be simple, and love can be complicated. Everyone views love differently than others. Some people talk about it, some dream about it, some sing about it, and some write about it. Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare wrote about love. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote "Sonnet 43", which is more commonly known as her "How do I love thee?" sonnet. William Shakespeare wrote "Sonnet 116" entitled "Let me not marriage of true minds admit impediments". Both authors wrote their sonnets using their own variation of diction and imagery.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning used a type of diction that would have been seen in the mid 1800's, which may have been because that was the time period in which she lived and, thus, her work was influenced by the diction of the time period. In her work she used words like "thee," which means "you" in modern English, and she used "breadth" in terms of a width of something. Shakespeare also had his own style of writing. In fact, the diction of his work was so profound that it is now referred to as "Shakespearian English." His work involves a wide variety of description words, such as "tempest" used to sum up "a violent storm." Also, his diction includes plays on words. Shakespeare used puns in many ways, such as when he says "which alters when it alteration finds," which plays on the word "alter." Both authors have a strong sense of diction in their work.

Imagery is a strong trait in both Browning's and Shakespeare's work. In "Sonnet 43," Browning uses imagery to give rhythm to the poem. "My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight ("Sonnet 43," line 7)" gives an image of a soul with imaginary hands trying to reach out in darkness. This is the type of images Elizabeth Barrett Browning wants the readers to see when they read her sonnet. Shakespeare, on the other hand, wants to slow the reader down to engage them deeper into the sonnet. "Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom ("Sonnet 116," lines 11-12)," shows the length of the thought, which shows how Shakespeare wants the reader to slow down when reading his sonnet to grasp the full meaning of it. Both authors use imagery in their own unique way to capture the readers’ attention.

Both Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare have their own unique sense of writing that captures and captivates the audience. William Shakespeare likes to slow down readers to engage them completely in the reading. Elizabeth Barrett Browning likes for the reader to be able to read her work in a nice flowing pattern. Regardless of how different the two authors may be, even when they are writing just short sonnets about love, Browning and Shakespeare both are able to use elements of writing in unique ways that help them capture their audience completely.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay provides adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the two sonnets and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“ Imagery is a strong trait in both Browning's and Shakespeare's work. In ‘Sonnet 43,’ Browning uses imagery to give rhythm to the poem. ‘My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight (‘Sonnet 43,’ line 7)’ gives an image of a soul with imaginary hands trying to reach out in darkness. This is the type of images Elizabeth Barrett Browning wants the readers to see when they read her sonnet. Shakespeare, on the other hand, wants to slow the reader down to engage them deeper into the sonnet. ‘Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom (‘Sonnet 116,’ lines 11-12),’ shows the length of the thought, which shows how Shakespeare wants the reader to slow down when reading his sonnet to grasp the full meaning of it. Both authors use imagery in their own unique way to capture the reader's attention.”)

The essay adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Both Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare have their own unique sense of writing that captures and captivates the audience. William Shakespeare likes to slow down readers to engage them completely in the reading. Elizabeth Barrett Browning likes for the reader to be able to read her work in a nice flowing pattern. Regardless of how different the two authors may be, even when they are writing just short sonnets about love, Browning and Shakespeare both are able to use elements of writing in unique ways that help them capture their audience completely.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Love can be simple, and love can be complicated. Everyone views love differently than others. Some people talk about it, some dream about it, some sing about it, and some write about it. Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare wrote about love. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote ‘Sonnet 43’, which is more commonly known as her ‘How do I love thee?’ sonnet. William Shakespeare wrote ‘Sonnet 116’ entitled ‘Let me not marriage of true minds admit impediments’. Both authors wrote their sonnets using their own variation of diction and imagery.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are contained in this literary essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts.

This essay includes adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the texts. (“Elizabeth Barrett Browning used a type of diction that would have been seen in the mid 1800's, which may have been because that was the time period in which she lived and, thus, her work was influenced by the diction of the time period. In her work she used words like ‘thee,’ which means ‘you’ in modern English, and she used ‘breadth’ in terms of a width of something. Shakespeare also had his own style of writing. In fact, the diction of his work was so profound that it is now referred to as ‘Shakespearian English.’ His work involves a wide variety of description words, such as ‘tempest’ used to sum up ‘a violent storm.’ Also, his diction includes plays on words. Shakespeare used puns in many ways, such as when he says ‘which alters when it alteration finds,’ which plays on the word ‘alter.’ Both authors have a strong sense of diction in their work.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the texts. (“Imagery is a strong trait in both Browning's and Shakespeare's work. In ‘Sonnet 43,’ Browning uses imagery to give rhythm to the poem. ‘My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight (‘Sonnet 43,’ line 7)’ gives an image of a soul with imaginary hands trying to reach out in darkness. This is the type of images Elizabeth Barrett Browning wants the readers to see when they read her sonnet.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Elizabeth Barrett Browning used a type of diction that would have been seen in the mid 1800's, which may have been because that was the time period in which she lived and, thus, her work was influenced by the diction of the time period. In her work she used words like ‘thee,’ which means ‘you’ in modern English, and she used ‘breadth’ in terms of a width of something. Shakespeare also had his own style of writing. In fact, the diction of his work was so profound that it is now referred to as ‘Shakespearian English.’ His work involves a wide variety of description words, such as ‘tempest’ used to sum up ‘a violent storm.’ Also, his diction includes plays on words. Shakespeare used puns in many ways, such as when he says ‘which alters when it alteration finds,’ which plays on the word ‘alter.’ Both authors have a strong sense of diction in their work.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Love can be simple, and love can be complicated. Everyone views love differently than others. Some people talk about it, some dream about it, some sing about it, and some write about it. Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare wrote about love. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote ‘Sonnet 43’, which is more commonly known as her ‘How do I love thee?’ sonnet. William Shakespeare wrote ‘Sonnet 116’ entitled ‘Let me not marriage of true minds admit impediments’. Both authors wrote their sonnets using their own variation of diction and imagery.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Shakespeare, on the other hand, wants to slow the reader down to engage them deeper into the sonnet.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ Both Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare have their own unique sense of writing that captures and captivates the audience. William Shakespeare likes to slow down readers to engage them completely in the reading. Elizabeth Barrett Browning likes for the reader to be able to read her work in a nice flowing pattern. Regardless of how different the two authors may be, even when they are writing just short sonnets about love, Browning and Shakespeare both are able to use elements of writing in unique ways that help them capture their audience completely.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is also apparent.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Love can be simple, and love can be complicated. Everyone views love differently than others. Some people talk about it, some dream about it, some sing about it, and some write about it. …Elizabeth Barrett Browning used a type of diction that would have been seen in the mid 1800's, which may have been because that was the time period in which she lived and, thus, her work was influenced by the diction of the time period. In her work she used words like ‘thee,’ which means ‘you’ in modern English, and she used ‘breadth’ in terms of a width of something.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “imagery” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ Imagery is a strong trait in both Browning's and Shakespeare's work. In ‘Sonnet 43,’ Browning uses imagery to give rhythm to the poem.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, including the use of the generic term “nice” in the following excerpt: “ Elizabeth Barrett Browning likes for the reader to be able to read her work in a nice flowing pattern.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ This is the type of images Elizabeth Barrett Browning wants the readers to see when they read her sonnet. Shakespeare, on the other hand, wants to slow the reader down to engage them deeper into the sonnet.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poems "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare and "Sonnet 43" by Elizabeth Barret Browning are both similar in a way that they both are poems about love. They both describe in detail of their loved ones and they both describe the reason why they are so deeply in love with these people. They give great description and characterization of what the ones they love look like. They tell how beautiful their loved ones are and how beautiful their love is. Both authors show a strong comparison towards their love and do not doubt their feelings of love throughout both poems. Both of these poems are very similar in the way that they describe their love, and their loved ones.

Shakespeare uses a lot of alliteration throughout his poem and also uses many metaphors and similes to explain exactly how he feels to the reader. In "Sonnet 43" the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem. In both poems the writers show their obsession with love and how emotionally attached they are to people they love. They also both say in deep consent that they will always love and show great seriousness about the way that they both feel and the truth that is in their love.

The reason I know that both of these poems are talking about love is because in both the authors repeatedly describe how they feel towards their loved ones and how they will never love anyone else. Also they both constantly say the word love throughout the poem so the repetition shows the poems are about love. Love in a poem is described by a deep emotion then followed by a strong emotion. It is their attempt to reach out to their loved ones and leave a special remark on how they feel about their true loves. Both of these poems consistently talk about their obsession with love. This is why I am under the assumption that both of these poems are involved with love.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Focus and meaning appear to be quite limited in this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the two sonnets and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay’s response does not fully respond to the question asked in the writing prompt, as the writer seems to focus only on the similarities between the two sonnets. (“The poems ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare and ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barret Browning are both similar in a way that they both are poems about love. They both describe in detail of their loved ones and they both describe the reason why they are so deeply in love with these people. They give great description and characterization of what the ones they love look like. They tell how beautiful their loved ones are and how beautiful their love is. Both authors show a strong comparison towards their love and do not doubt their feelings of love throughout both poems. Both of these poems are very similar in the way that they describe their love, and their loved ones.”)

The essay illustrates a limited understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The reason I know that both of these poems are talking about love is because in both the authors repeatedly describe how they feel towards their loved ones and how they will never love anyone else. Also they both constantly say the word love throughout the poem so the repetition shows the poems are about love. Love in a poem is described by a deep emotion then followed by a strong emotion. It is their attempt to reach out to their loved ones and leave a special remark on how they feel about their true loves. Both of these poems consistently talk about their obsession with love. This is why I am under the assumption that both of these poems are involved with love.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“ Both of these poems are very similar in the way that they describe their love, and their loved ones.”)

Content & Development

Limited content and development are seen in the essay. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts.

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Shakespeare uses a lot of alliteration throughout his poem and also uses many metaphors and similes to explain exactly how he feels to the reader. In ‘Sonnet 43’ the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem. In both poems the writers show their obsession with love and how emotionally attached they are to people they love. They also both say in deep consent that they will always love and show great seriousness about the way that they both feel and the truth that is in their love.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Shakespeare uses a lot of alliteration throughout his poem and also uses many metaphors and similes to explain exactly how he feels to the reader. In ‘Sonnet 43’ the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem. In both poems the writers show their obsession with love and how emotionally attached they are to people they love. They also both say in deep consent that they will always love and show great seriousness about the way that they both feel and the truth that is in their love.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Shakespeare uses a lot of alliteration throughout his poem and also uses many metaphors and similes to explain exactly how he feels to the reader. In ‘Sonnet 43’ the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem. In both poems the writers show their obsession with love and how emotionally attached they are to people they love. They also both say in deep consent that they will always love and show great seriousness about the way that they both feel and the truth that is in their love.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent to readers of this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing, as well as some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ The poems ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare and ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barret Browning are both similar in a way that they both are poems about love. They both describe in detail of their loved ones and they both describe the reason why they are so deeply in love with these people. They give great description and characterization of what the ones they love look like. They tell how beautiful their loved ones are and how beautiful their love is. Both authors show a strong comparison towards their love and do not doubt their feelings of love throughout both poems. Both of these poems are very similar in the way that they describe their love, and their loved ones.”)

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Both of these poems are very similar in the way that they describe their love, and their loved ones.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ The reason I know that both of these poems are talking about love is because in both the authors repeatedly describe how they feel towards their loved ones and how they will never love anyone else. Also they both constantly say the word love throughout the poem so the repetition shows the poems are about love. Love in a poem is described by a deep emotion then followed by a strong emotion. It is their attempt to reach out to their loved ones and leave a special remark on how they feel about their true loves. Both of these poems consistently talk about their obsession with love. This is why I am under the assumption that both of these poems are involved with love.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Shakespeare uses a lot of alliteration throughout his poem and also uses many metaphors and similes to explain exactly how he feels to the reader. In ‘Sonnet 43’ the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem.”)

The essay uses the same group of words (“they”) to begin several sentences. (“ They both describe in detail of their loved ones and they both describe the reason why they are so deeply in love with these people. They give great description and characterization of what the ones they love look like. They tell how beautiful their loved ones are and how beautiful their love is.”)

There is repetition. (“ Love in a poem is described by a deep emotion then followed by a strong emotion. It is their attempt to reach out to their loved ones and leave a special remark on how they feel about their true loves. Both of these poems consistently talk about their obsession with love. This is why I am under the assumption that both of these poems are involved with love.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a limited control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ In ‘Sonnet 43’ the writer describes the love as never ending even after she is dead, this shows how strong her feelings are toward her lover in the poem.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Both of the poems talk about love and loving someone. In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die. I really like these two poems a lot because they talk about how people are in deep love and being in love for ever. Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married.

Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are shown within this essay. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the two sonnets and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Both of the poems talk about love and loving someone. In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die. I really like these two poems a lot because they talk about how people are in deep love and being in love for ever. Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“Both of the poems talk about love and loving someone. In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die. I really like these two poems a lot because they talk about how people are in deep love and being in love for ever. Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the texts.

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

Organization

The essay is defined by its minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Both of the poems talk about love and loving someone. In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die. I really like these two poems a lot because they talk about how people are in deep love and being in love for ever. Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married.”)

The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Both of the poems talk about love and loving someone. In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die. I really like these two poems a lot because they talk about how people are in deep love and being in love for ever. Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is apparent within this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There is repetition. (“ In sonnet 116 by shakespeare it talks about if you love someone then you should stay with them for ever. On the other sonnet it talks about loving someone very much and this person will still love this person even after they both die.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ One thing that is different is the way they write the poems because one of them was written in the 1500's and the other one was written in the 1800's and people wrote different in the different years. Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

The style is not formal. (“ Also on sonnet 116 it was written in a man's perspective and the other one was written in a women's perspective so they would be saying different stuff because one's a girl and one's a guy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Now adays people dont get married for very long and they end up getting a divorce in the first 3 or 4 years being married. …Well I think both stories are really good and they talk about the same stuff but they talk about loving people forever and its not like that now in 2011. ”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The two poems "Sonnet 43" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and "Sonnet 116" by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever.

The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate or no focus and meaning are conveyed through this essay. It fails to establish an analysis of the texts and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever. …The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever. …The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Content & Development

The writer’s use of content and development within the essay is inadequate. The content fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the texts.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

There are inadequate or no main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is evident to readers of this brief essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“ The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever.”)

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever. …The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style throughout the essay are inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

The essay uses the same group of words to begin three consecutive sentences. (“ The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Transitions are needed. (“The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever. …The poem by Shakespeare is an English sonnet. The poem uses an iambic meter to make it sound upbeat. The poem also an ABAB rhyme scheme.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate or no control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“The two poems ‘Sonnet 43’ by Elizabeth Barrett Browning and ‘Sonnet 116’ by William Shakespeare both have love as a centeral theme. They both say about how their love wuill last forever.”)

Comparison of Two Poems: Marlowe and Raleigh

Two poems follow. The second poem is a response to the first one. Read the two poems carefully. Then, in a well-organized essay, show how the speaker in the second poem both changes the shepherd's imagery and introduces new imagery to respond to his proposal. Develop your essay by making specific references to the texts.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Sir Walter Raleigh's poem "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd" is a direct response to Christopher Marlowe's poem "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love." The speaker in Marlowe's poem asks the young girl to be his love. However, Raleigh 's speaker (the young girl) tells the shepherd she cannot love him because the love he offers is not true and will fade. In addition, Marlowe and Raleigh's nature imagery in both poems depicts the shepherd's pleasures, like his affection for the young girl, are vivid, yet not accurate. Raleigh continues with Marlowe's established imagery to add unity to the work. Furthermore, new imagery is introduced, which creates his intended message. In both poems, imagery reveals each speaker's feelings.

Christopher Marlowe establishes the shepherd's deep desire for the young girl to become his love in his poem "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love." Furthermore, Marlowe's use of imagery intensifies the shepherd's meaning. First, the shepherd requests that the young woman "come live with me and by my love"(line 1). Therefore, the shepherd declares his deep devotion to the young girl. Then the shepherd uses nature imagery to parallel their potential pleasure. He states, "And we will all the pleasures prove That / hills and valleys, dales and fields, or woods or steepy mountain yields (line 1-2). Therefore, the shepherd and young girl's love parallels the positive imagery of nature. Furthermore, Marlowe introduces auditory imagery, which also expresses his happiness of having the young girl as his love. As they sit on the rocks, they will hear they "shallow rivers to whose falls melodious birds sing madrigals" (line 3-4). This auditory image enhances the happy times the shepherd and young girl will share. The shepherd also attempts to persuade the young girl to be his love by offering various gifts. He promises her "beds of roses" and "a thousand fragrant posies" (line 5). The shepherd is trying to render a romantic response from the young girl. Then, the shepherd promises to make his lover clothes. Marlowe uses detailed objects in nature for the clothing. For instance, the lover will have "a cap of flowers" and a skirt made from myrtle leaves (line 5-6). More significantly, the young girl will have a beautiful gown from "the finest wool" (line 7) and slippers with gold bucklers (line 8). These examples are very positive images. Since the shepherd is trying to persuade the young girl to be his love, he is using examples to make her come to him. Therefore, the encouraging images of gold and a beautiful gown, not only paint a picture in the reader's mind, but also are useful tools in persuasion. The shepherd uses such vivid imagery to tempt the girl to be his love.

The young girl tells the shepherd she is unable to love him; furthermore Raleigh answers the shepherd's request by making his positive nature imagery, negative. The young girl reverses the shepherd's imagery. She first tells how the rock they will sit on will "grow cold" (line 3) and the birds will become mute (line 4). Therefore, the girl is revealing the aspects of nature formerly described by the shepherd will not remain beautiful. This parallels the idea that the shepherd's love also will not remain the same. In addition, the young girl notes how the gown, shoes, "bed of roses," cap, skirt, and flowers, will "Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten" (line 10). These items cannot persuade the young girl because she knows they will not be continuous. While Marlowe only focuses on life, Raleigh introduces the idea of death. The tangible objects Marlowe use to convince the young girl will not last. This demonstrates how their love will also not last forever. The young girl tells the shepherd all the objects he offered, "no means can move [her] to come to thee and be thy love" (line 12). Therefore, the young girl denies the shepherd's love by using imagery to prove his love, just like nature, changes and is not perfect.

Raleigh establishes the young girl's love refusal by introducing imagery that focuses on how life does not stay the same and on death. First, the young girl states "if all the world and love were young, And truth in every shepherd's tongue" (line 1) then she would come and be his love. Therefore, the young girl is stating the world is not only young, and the shepherd is not speaking the truth. Raleigh is commenting that the love the shepherd wants is not true or accurate. Although the shepherd only focuses on spring, the young girl notes how winter comes and "sorrow's fall"(line 5-8). Spring, representing life and hope is not always present, yet the shepherd only focuses on happiness. Raleigh , however, knows that there are hardships in life, which is representative of winter. The shepherd will not always love the young woman because life is not always happy. Marlowe overlooked that life is not always full of pleasure. The contrasting images of spring and winter show how the young girl is not able to love the shepherd. The young girl ends the poem by stating she would love the shepherd if youth would last (line 13). However, since "Time" (line 3) is an ever-present force, people do age. Therefore, the young girl cannot love the shepherd. The new imagery Raleigh introduces solidifies the young girl's refusal of love

The imagery used by both Marlowe and Raleigh is crucial in understanding the meaning of their poems. Marlowe uses positive nature imagery to depict the happiness the shepherd will share with the young girl, if she will be his love. Raleigh , however, contrasts his imagery and proves the girl cannot love the shepherd. Life is not a continuous season of spring. Instead there are hardships, and people do suffer. The shepherd does not take this into account. Therefore, Raleigh with continuation of Marlowe's imagery and contrasting imagery, proves the young girl cannot love the shepherd.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response reveals an in-depth analysis of the texts and makes insightful connections between the texts and the writers’ use of imagery. (“In addition, Marlowe and Raleigh's nature imagery in both poems depicts the shepherd's pleasures, like his affection for the young girl, are vivid, yet not accurate. Raleigh continues with Marlowe's established imagery to add unity to the work. Furthermore, new imagery is introduced, which creates his intended message. In both poems, imagery reveals each speaker's feelings.”)

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops ideas fully and artfully, comparing and contrasting specific quotes from each poem in a logical and compelling fashion.

(“For instance, the lover will have "a cap of flowers" and a skirt made from myrtle leaves (line 5-6). More significantly, the young girl will have a beautiful gown from "the finest wool" (line 7) and slippers with gold bucklers (line 8). These examples are very positive images. Since the shepherd is trying to persuade the young girl to be his love, he is using examples to make her come to him. Therefore, the encouraging images of gold and a beautiful gown, not only paint a picture in the reader's mind, but also are useful tools in persuasion.”)

Organization

This response exhibits a logical and cohesive structure. An introduction, conclusion, and distinct supporting body paragraphs are present.

Language Use & Style

In this response, the author chooses words cleverly and precisely. For example, clear, succinct language is used to describe the nymph’s responses (“The young girl tells the shepherd all the objects he offered, "no means can move [her] to come to thee and be thy love" (line 12). Therefore, the young girl denies the shepherd's love by using imagery to prove his love, just like nature, changes and is not perfect”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This response demonstrates, for the most part, strong control of the conventions of written English and contains few distracting errors.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Through imagery, the second speaker introduces new imagery and changes the shepherd’s imagery to respond to his proposal. The imagery in the second poem provides negative feedback to what the shepherd had said to the young woman. The two poems give you an idea of what each person wants from each other and what they expect would happen.

The speaker in the first poem shows positive imagery. Through his imagery, you can see that he wants love. He says, "By shallow rivers to whose falls melodious birds sing madrigals....Come with me and be my love." The shepherd reveals his love and passion towards the young woman. He expresses what he feels and what he would like out of a relationship.

The shepherd confesses how he feels about the young woman but the young woman reveals different feelings toward the shepherd. She does not want love because she thinks that it would fade and come to an end. "Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy bed of roses, Thy cap thy kirtle, and thy posies, Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten..." This quote shows you what the young woman has in mind that would happen to their love.

In the poems, one place where the second speaker introduces new imagery is in the third stanza. Speaker one says "And I will make thee beds of roses a thousand fragrant posies, a cap of flowers, and a kirtle embroidered all with leaves of myrtle." The second speaker’s response to this is "The flowers do fade, and wanton fields to wayward winter reckoning yields, a honey tongue, a heart of gall is fancy's spring, but sorrows fall." The second speaker always uses imagery that makes you see the dark side of something, unlike the first speaker who allows you to see positive outlooks of life.

By how the speakers both have different outlooks on their relationship helps you to see how they really feel about one another. Through Marlowe’s poem, he uses the beauty of nature to persuade the young woman to be his love. He tries to convince her with kind words and catchy comparisons with nature and what their love could be. Through Raleigh 's poem, he uses the gloomy side of nature to portray what the shepherd's and young woman's love could be. He talks about ways that nature dies and fades away instead of the beauty. This gives you a glimpse of how the young woman sees love.

Through imagery, you are able to see what each speaker feels about each other and what their relationship would be. Each speaker had a different look on love and life. The young woman changes the shepherd's imagery and introduces her own views. Unlike the shepherd's view of a beautiful and long love, she sees love that will fade and be forgotten.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response establishes a thorough analysis of the text and clearly compares imagery used in both poems.

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops ideas in support of the thesis, comparing specific quotes from each poem to show how the imagery is changed and its effect.

Organization

This response exhibits a logical structure, including some (albeit weak) transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

This response shows appropriate word choice and precise language. Yet, the presence of some awkward wording shows that the author could continue to improve the essay (“Through imagery, the second speaker introduces new imagery”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows some control of conventions and mechanics of writing, but nevertheless contains several errors (“By how the speakers both have different outlooks on their relationship helps you to

see…”).

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The spell of love can weave its imageries around everyone. It can seduce the mind, and the senses, with the promise of a perfect life and never-ending happiness. In the poem The Passionate Sheperd to his Love, the sheperd promises her meaningless things, such as bed of roses and a skirt with leaves embroidered on it. He does not realize the one thing that would make her love him is the eternal promise of love, which he cannot give. She answers him as a stereotypical woman would, not being satisfied with what he has to offer.

Of all the things the sheperd promises the nymph, he has no force over. He says they will have an immortal spring, where birds sing daily, and lambs are young forever. She points out to him that spring fades, and life will continue, regardless of who is in love. In time, all things pass, and love can blind people from this notion.

The nymph also uses imagery to show the passage of their love. She points out that, like nature, love changes, grows, and dies. She says that when the flowers wither, their beauty is lost, and eventually forgotten. She is saying that nothing is young and beautiful forever. She is bawking at his ridicolous notion of eternal love, which cannot be promised.

In response to the sheperd the nymph says, "but could youth last and love still breed, Had joys no date nor age no need, Then these delights my mind might move To live with thee and be thy love." What the nymph truly desires is eternal youth, and love, but she knows he cannot give that to her. She contradicts herself, and wants what she cannot have.

Love is a confusing labrynth of emotion. It can trick the most sensible of people, and break the bravest. What can be overlooked is the beauty of love. Love can deceit, and trick, but when it is true you can never regret it. The true test of character is are you willing to take the plunge?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response presents a basic analysis of the poems. An adequate controlling idea is established. (“In the poem The Passionate Sheperd to his Love, the sheperd promises her meaningless things, such as bed of roses and a skirt with leaves embroidered on it. He does not realize the one thing that would make her love him is the eternal promise of love, which he cannot give“) The essay explains what each poem is about and presents some analysis of the use of imagery in the poems.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas adequately, citing some specific examples from the texts. (“She says that when the flowers wither, their beauty is lost, and eventually forgotten. She is saying that nothing is young and beautiful forever. She is bawking at his ridicolous notion of eternal love, which cannot be promised.”)

Organization

The response demonstrates a generally unified structure. An attention-grabbing introduction (“The spell of love can weave its imageries around everyone”) is noticeable and the conclusion the student offers is appropriate (“Love can deceit, and trick, but when it is true you can never regret it. The true test of character is are you willing to take the plunge?”).

Language Use & Style

In this response, the author uses appropriate language and essentially correct sentences. (“What the nymph truly desires is eternal youth, and love, but she knows he cannot give that to her. She contradicts herself, and wants what she cannot have.”) Word choice and style are also adequate.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although the response reveals occasional errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling (“ridicolous” and “sheperd”), these mistakes do not hinder the reader’s understanding of the essay.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The two poems “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love” by Christopher Marlowe and “ The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd” by Sir Walter Raleigh are both poems, which show imagery. Although in the second poem Sir Walter Raleigh changes the imagery from what it was in the first poem.

In the first poem the poet describes the shepherd’s desire to be with the woman he loves and how they should be together. He explains how his love will flow over all the hills and valleys, dales and fields, or woods, or steep mountain yields. The poet expresses his feelings and compares them to the season of spring.

In the second poem the poet uses the poem in reference to fall instead of spring like the first poem did. The poet uses imagery with “Thy belt of straw and ivy buds, Thy coral clasps and amber studs, All these in me no means can move to come to thee and be thy love. Also he says “ Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy bed of roses, thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies, soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten, in folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response establishes only a basic analysis of the texts and provides vague connections between the ideas in the texts and the imagery used.

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops ideas briefly with little accurate evidence from the poems and little discussion of the literary elements present. While some direct quotes are provided, no clear explanations are in evidence.

Organization

This response exhibits a basic structure, discussing the first poem followed by the second poem, but obviously lacks a conclusion and transitions from one paragraph to the next.

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates simple language use and relies heavily on quotes from the poems without an accompanying explanation in the author’s own words.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows some control of the conventions of writing, but does contain several distracting errors.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poams "the passionate Shephard to this love," by Christopher Marlow and "the nymphs reply to the Shephard" by sir Walter Raleigh, the authors use imagery to show feelings. The 2nd poam is response to the 1st poam and uses imgery to show feelings.

It seems that the Shepherd so deeply in love with the nymph and he would do any thing to be with here all the power of shephard tries to convince her to be with her.The nymph dosn''t think the Shepherd has the best intentions. The nymph qustions every thing he says from the scond poam, I fee thenymph dons''t trust him.

These three poams remine me a myth in greek mythology, where there was god, he was the god of flocks and sheperding. He looked like person who was half goat and half human. myth goes, he walking though the feild and he sees this nymph and he insently fall''s in love. He tries to persade the nymph to be with her but the nymph scared at the sight of him, so she runs. But gets traped and the only way out is to

jump of the cliff so she prys to the gods to hide her. The gods turn here in to a patch of grass.When the shephard god catches up with here he can''t find here so he cuts this patch of grass in front of him and

makes it in a fiddle, so each time he plays a tune it remines him of the one nymph he loved.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this response only delivers a confused and incomplete analysis of the texts. It begins with a clear focus but shifts to a discussion of a connection with Greek mythology. Moreover, while the author introduces literary elements in the beginning of the essay, these elements receive little attention or explanation later in the essay.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, utilizing only minimal references to the texts.

Organization

This response suggests a basic structure in the first paragraph but does not maintain a unified structure throughout the rest of the essay.

Language Use & Style

This response shows unclear language and makes basic errors in sentence structure, such as run-on sentences and sentence fragments (“The nymph qustions every thing he says from the scond poem, I feel the nymph doesn’t trust him”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows little control of the conventions of English grammar and contains many errors in spelling and wording (“he walking thoug” and “remine me a myth,” among others).

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

THEB SEWND POME IS A RESPONSE (AMARSOWER) TO THE FRIST POME. IN THE FURST POME THE AND IS USES HAS LOVE, THE TEUSTHE WOMEN .THEY WILL COME AND LIVE WITH THEY BECOUSE THEY LIKE SIT ON THE ROCKS, BECOUSE THEY LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND LOOK AROUND. THEY FLED THE FLOCKS, AND KEEP THEM AT ALL TIMES. THEY FELL SAD THEY FELL IT UP WITH FALLSOF LIFE. THEY SING SONG TO MAKE THEM FELL BETTER FOUR THEM THE KIRTLE LIKE TO SING BUT THEY CANT SING AT ALL. THEY HAVE LEFES BING UP IN A BILLED. THEY HEARD THE AMILEL AND CRYING ALL NIGHT THE PULL;BAD PEOPLE THE BUDS, WAR EAT THEM AND THE PEOPLE STALL TO CRYING THEY MOVE BECOUSE THEY WILL NOT STPOP AT ALL AND THE BRIDS SING ALL MORING LONG AND DONT STOP SING ATALL.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In general, this response fails to establish an analysis of the texts and makes only weak connections between ideas in the texts and literary elements. The first sentence begins to establish a focus that is not completed in the rest of the essay.

Content & Development

This response fails to adequately develop a thesis. The author attempts to list ideas from the text, but is unable to develop them with an identifiable explanation.

Organization

This response shows no evidence of a unifying structure or meaningful sequence of ideas. While it begins with a fairly clear opening sentence, the author is unable to develop the analysis further.

Language Use & Style

This essay uses entirely unclear and often un-interpretable language making understanding difficult, if not impossible. The sentence “THEY HAVE LEFES BING UP IN A BILLED” is nearly unintelligible.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows no control of conventions of written English, is inappropriately written in all capital letters, and is nearly unintelligible to the reader.

Comparison of Two Poems: Wordsworth and Herrick

Read the poems about daffodils by William Wordsworth and Robert Herrick in the attached document. In a well-developed essay, compare and contrast the themes expressed in the two poems. Develop your essay by making specific references to the texts.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem, "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth and the poem, "To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick both express different opinions on daffodils. Although Wordsworth conveys daffodils as having happy, blissful characteristics, Herrick's poem shows us the dark, decaying side of the flowers. Even though the two poems are both about daffodils, they both have very different themes. The theme in Wordsworth's poem is to enjoy beautiful things while you have them. Herrick's theme is that all things must die, even the beautiful daffodils.

William Wordsworth's poem, "Daffodils" is very positive and sprightful towards the flowers. "A host of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."(lines 4-6). Here, the daffodils are seen as happy, blissful, fairylike creatures. The words used by Wordsworth show us how positive and cheerful daffodils really are. "Tossing their heads in sprightly dance. The waves beside them danced; but they Out did the sparkling waves in glee."(lines 12-14). In this passage, the daffodils are in a jovial dance that not even the ocean could out do. This is important because it shows how powerful the daffodils are in being able to defeat even the graceful pattern of the waves beside them. "A poet could not but be gay, in such a jocund company."(lines 15-16). Here, the speaker states how good it feels to be among the presence of the wonderful flowers. A mere glance at the golden flowers can overwhelm an uninspired poet who has no more ideas with the joy that the daffodils share. "Daffodils" is a joyful poem full of happy and bright emotions.

On the other hand, Robert Herrick's "To Dffodils" is a poem full of death and negative images. "FAIR daffodils, we weep to see You haste away so soon;" (lines 1-2). Here, the speaker addresses the daffodils on how dear they are and how their death is a tragedy to everyone. Because the speaker really loves the daffodils, he feels sad to see them die so soon. "We will go with you along. we have short time to stay, as you,"(lines10-11). In this passage, the speaker is relating the death of humans to the death of the daffodils. He is recognizing the fact that life is very short, not only for flowers, but humans and all other creatures as well. The narrator is probably a very sick person whose death is imminent and in order to make himself feel better, he is relating and making his fair daffodils understand that they will be together after death. "We die As your hours do, and dry Away"(lines 15-17.) In these lines of the poem, the speaker is once again relating to the daffodils. The speaker is almost trying to comfort the daffodils in making them realize that everything must die some time, it just comes sooner in humans than it does in flowers. "To Daffodils" is a very sad poem that gives us a negative image on the aspect of death.

Although the two poems state different viewpoints on daffodils, they are both also similar to each other. "And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils."(lines 23-24. In "Daffodils", the speaker glances at the flowers and is overwhelmed with happiness. He loves the flowers so much that his joy leads him to be one with the flowers in their happiness. FAIR daffodils, we weep to see You haste away so soon;"(lines1-2). Herrick's "To Daffodils" is also full of love an admiration for the flowers, so much that it saddens him to see them die. By reading both poems, we are left with the impression that the speakers in both poems have a special love for the daffodils which are close to their hearts. The speaker in Wordsworth's poem is pleased by the mere thought of dancing with the flowers, and the speaker in Herrick's poem addresses the flowers as "FAIR daffodils". the speakers in both poems have a special place in their heart for the beautiful, golden flowers. The compassion and love for daffodils found in both poems make them similar.

Besides having different themes, the two poems have several other qualities which make them different from each other. "Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the Milky Way,"(lines7-8). Wordsworth's poem states that daffodils will continuously dance and flutter in the breeze. "We have as short a spring; As quick a growth to meet decay,"(lines12-13). Herrick's poem reveals that daffodils, like all other creatures, have a short lifetime and must die. These lines from both poems are trying to prove opposite ideas. "Daffodils" says that the flowers will continuously flutter, even if its just in the hearts of people. On the other hand, "To Daffodils" says that that the flowers will die as soon as they bloom in the spring due to their short lifespan. Another differing view found in the poems is the affect daffodils have on the speaker after they die away in the winter. "in vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye."(lines20-21). Wordsworth's poem says that the joyful flowers will always be remembered in the hearts of loving people, even after their death. "Ne'er to be found again."(line 20). Herrick's poem says that once flowers die, they are gone, even from a person's mind and heart. These lines are a few of the many which show how the two poems about daffodils are different from each other.

The poem, "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth and the poem, "To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick are two different opinions on daffodils. Wordsworth's poem conveys the happy, blissful life of daffodils while Herrick's poem explains the dark, decaying death of the gorgeous flowers. Though the two poems are similar, they have very different themes- enjoying the life of beautiful things, or mourning over the fact that even beautiful things must die sometime.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer makes his/her analytical understanding of the two poems clear at the outset (“The theme in Wordsworth's poem is to enjoy beautiful things while you have them. Herrick's theme is that all things must die, even the beautiful daffodils”). The discussion that follows is detailed and on-target, weaving insightful connections between the task and the ideas in the poems. As it is presented, this essay thoroughly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In four extensive body paragraphs, the writer draws a series of comparisons between the two poems that are amply supported by a wide variety of specific and accurate citations from the poems (“ ‘Daffodils’ is a joyful poem full of happy and bright emotions ... On the other hand, Robert Herrick's ‘To Dffodils’ is a poem full of death and negative images … By reading both poems, we are left with the impression that the speakers in both poems have a special love for the daffodils which are close to their hearts … Wordsworth's poem says that the joyful flowers will always be remembered in the hearts of loving people, even after their death ... Herrick's poem says that once flowers die, they are gone, even from a person's mind and heart”). The writer’s appreciation for these two poems is clearly deep, and much of this perspective is communicated to the reader in this essay.

Organization

The logical flow and unified structure of this essay cannot be overlooked. A strong introduction (“Even though the two poems are both about daffodils, they both have very different themes”) and conclusion (“Though the two poems are similar, they have very different themes- enjoying the life of beautiful things, or mourning over the fact that even beautiful things must die sometime”) bracket the writer’s interpretation. The body paragraphs remain centered on distinct elements of the writer’s analysis. Finally, the wise use of transitional devices throughout the essay helps guide the reader to the conclusion (“On the other hand” and “Although the two poems state different viewpoints”).

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is precise and artful, and is appropriately directed towards the intended audience (“A mere glance at the golden flowers can overwhelm an uninspired poet”). The sentences used tend to be well structured and show variety. Note also that the writer has been mostly successful at integrating citations from the text into the essay, which can be a complicated task.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. This is evidence of the writer’s effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. (“Although Wordsworth conveys daffodils as having happy, blissful characteristics, Herrick's poem shows us the dark, decaying side of the flowers.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem by William Wordsworth and the poem by Robert Herrick both are quite similar in writing about daffodils, but the point/theme of the poems are quite the opposite. "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth seems very joyous and has a happy tone to it. "To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick, on the other hand, seems very sad and gloomy. The focus point of the poem "Daffodils" is how the beautiful things in life should always be appreciated no matter what. "To Daffodils" is about how things must die and whither away eventually. Both authors are writing about the same thing, but have different opinions on them.

"Daffodils" by William Wordsworth has plenty examples of gleeful messages conveyed throughout the poem. "Fluttering and dancing in the breeze." This shows that the daffodils are happily in the fields dancing , instead of dead on the floor. "The waves beside them danced; but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee: " This quote/example explains that the daffodils are so happy, that they are happier than the waves that dance themselves. "And then my heart with pleasure fills, " Seeing these daffodils can bring joy to one's self. One should learn to appreciate things for what they are. One should learn to appreciate things before they are gone.

"To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick initially shows the sadness of the poem. The first 2 lines begin with "FAIR daffodils, we weep to see You haste away so soon; " Already the author says that once we see the daffodils, we know it's going to die, so we should save our happiness for something else that last longer in terms of giving and showing happiness. Most of the examples in the poem portray the same thing basically; we will die someday, surely, but slowly. Robert Herrick looks at the bad side of things and reveals that the daffodils and other things in life will whither away.

Both poems DO share similar ideas though. On the surface, one would see that one poem is about the love of thigns and the other about the negative sides of things. In reality, Robert Herrick and William Wordsworth both express their love and appreciation for the daffodils. The only difference is that Herrick looks at things deeper and in the future, while Wordsworth see thigns as what they are at their current state.

The poems, "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth and "To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick have different viewpoints on daffodils. Wordsworth's poem shows the joyous nature of daffodils while Herrick's poem explains the eventual happenenings of daffodils and the gloominess of them. They do have different themes. "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth is about the appreciation of something and enjoy life in the current times. "To Daffodils" by Robert Herrick is about how even though there are beautiful thigns in the world, they will eventually die and go away.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay states a clear controlling idea in the introduction and works to expand upon it (“The poem by William Wordsworth and the poem by Robert Herrick both are quite similar in writing about daffodils, but the point/theme of the poems are quite the opposite”). The textual analysis that follows makes specific references to the texts of the poems and the literary devices that are employed and clearly connected to the task.

Content & Development

In the three body paragraphs, the writer cites specific and accurate evidence from the poems to support his/her interpretation. In the first two paragraphs, the student discusses the differences between the two poems. (“’And then my heart with pleasure fills,’Seeing these daffodils can bring joy to one's self. One should learn to appreciate things for what they are. One should learn to appreciate things before they are gone.”) The final body paragraph explores the poems’ similarities. (“On the surface, one would see that one poem is about the love of thigns and the other about the negative sides of things. In reality, Robert Herrick and William Wordsworth both express their love and appreciation for the daffodils.”)

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes the writer’s central controlling idea. Each body paragraph is focused around one key point and begins with a strong topic sentence. (“’Daffodils’ by William Wordsworth has plenty examples of gleeful messages conveyed throughout the poem.”) The conclusion appropriately reiterates the writer’s main idea. (“The poems, ‘Daffodils’ by William Wordsworth and ‘To Daffodils’ by Robert Herrick have different viewpoints on daffodils. Wordsworth's poem shows the joyous nature of daffodils while Herrick's poem explains the eventual happenenings of daffodils and the gloominess of them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is appropriate for this task and audience. Words are chosen carefully, for the most part, and communicate the writer’s analysis. (“Already the author says that once we see the daffodils, we know it's going to die, so we should save our happiness for something else that last longer in terms of giving and showing happiness.”) The sentences are also well structured and exhibit some variety. (“Most of the examples in the poem portray the same thing basically; we will die someday, surely, but slowly. Robert Herrick looks at the bad side of things and reveals that the daffodils and other things in life will whither away.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay displays a good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. While there are a few errors in grammar (“the point/theme of the poems are quite the opposite.”), punctuation, and spelling (“thigns”), they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Daffodils" was written by William Wordsworth basically talk about how wonderful or beautiful the daffodils are. He uses imagery, metaphor, and personification to enhance and make his poem be realize. He uses comparison and direct comparison to give the audience a larger view of the poem and what it's about. He's basically talking about how he was lonely at first, but when he saw a field of daffodils he was suddenly happy. "To Daffodils" written by Robert Herrick is basically describing how the daffodils are going to die so soon. He was basically saying that they are dying so early and still haven't seen the wonderful day ahead of the day.

Both poems do talk about how wonderful the daffodils are, but one poems tone was pleasant and happy while the other was sadness and decay. Both poems have different type of themes. The "Daffodils" has a magnificent theme it is saying how wonderful daffodils are and how they can make one person or even a poet happy. "A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company:" the author expresses how happy he was when he sees a crowd of daffodils in his area. He is expressing his emotion by describing the daffodils' beauty.

On the other poem called "To Daffodils" the author expresses how terrible it is or how sad it would be if the daffodils dies. The theme mainly tells about the daffodils dying and the to author expresses himself by saying "FAIR daffodils, we weep to see you haste away so soon;" stating on how they would cry to see such beauty and elegance be swept away so soon. The author uses his vivid imagination to give the audience a better view of what he thinks the daffodils are to others and what it is to him.

There are a few differences of tone between each poem "Daffodils" by Wordsworth is happiness and gladness. "To Daffodils" by Herrick is about sadness and loneliness. Although both poems do talk about how wonderful daffodils are to them and to others, both does not have the same point of view. One talks about living while the other talk about decay. The authors uses such metaphoric comparison that made it easy for us to describe what was the message behind their theme and their poem. They made it clear that daffodils are wonderful and full of beauty with just comparing them to what they think is glorious.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay seeks to discuss some of the ways these two poems are both similar to and different from one another (“‘Daffodils’ was written by William Wordsworth basically talk about how wonderful or beautiful the daffodils are… ‘To Daffodils’ written by Robert Herrick is basically describing how the daffodils are going to die so soon.”). The writer presents a basic analysis of the two poems, drawing connections between the task and the ideas in the poems. This essay adequately replies to the assigned task.

Content & Development

This response demonstrates satisfactory content and development. The writer supports his/her controlling idea with some specific and accurate evidence from the two poems. For example, in the second paragraph, the writer discusses the significant theme conveyed in “Daffodils.” (“The ‘Daffodils’ has a magnificent theme it is saying how wonderful daffodils are and how they can make one person or even a poet happy. ‘A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund company:’ the author expresses how happy he was when he sees a crowd of daffodils in his area. He is expressing his emotion by describing the daffodils' beauty.”) The use of direct quotes from the poem helps validate his/her interpretation.

Organization

The essay exhibits an adequate and generally unified organizational structure. The introduction is appropriate in its description of the two poems. Each body paragraph is focused around one of the poems. The conclusion appropriately reiterates the writer’s main idea. (“There are a few differences of tone between each poem ‘Daffodils’ by Wordsworth is happiness and gladness. ‘To Daffodils’ by Herrick is about sadness and loneliness. Although both poems do talk about how wonderful daffodils are to them and to others, both does not have the same point of view.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Although the reader may notice occasionally awkward language use (“they are dying so early and still haven't seen the wonderful day ahead of the day”), most words and sentences are well-chosen and appropriate. Moreover, the essay is clearly addressed to the intended audience and shows some signs of the writer’s voice (“The author uses his vivid imagination to give the audience a better view of what he thinks the daffodils are to others and what it is to him”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Some errors in grammar (“make his poem be realize” and “daffodils dies”), punctuation, and spelling are noticeable; however, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem "To Daffodils" is explaining how quickly and of what short time they last. It is dwelling on the anticipation of the flowers leaving and never being able to show their true beauty. "To Daffodils" is comparing flower and people and how they both relate to death. "We have a short time to stay, as you, We have as short a spring; As quick a growth to meet decay; As you, or anything. We die, As your hours do, and dry, away, Like a summer's rain; or as the pearls of morning's dew Ne'er to be found again." This is sad poem which has a gloomy tone. Whereas "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud" is showing the appreciation & life of flowers. In this circumstance the fact of witnessing beautiful daffodils can have a major affect and delight a person's spirit. "For oft, when on my couch I lie in vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon my that inward eye which is the bliss of solitude; and then my heart with pleasure fills, and dances with the daffodils.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This is an example of a limited response to the prompt. In this simple essay, the author shows the beginnings of an analysis of the poems presented (“The poem ‘To Daffodils’ is explaining how quickly and of what short time they last.”). However, the writer’s analysis remains vague and non-specific and makes no direct connections between the task and the ideas in the poems. Thus, this response only partially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The author provides some interpretation of both the similarities and the differences between the two poems (“Whereas ‘I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud’ is showing the appreciation & life of flowers. In this circumstance the fact of witnessing beautiful daffodils can have a major affect and delight a person's spirit.”). However, these interpretations are brief and underdeveloped. They are limited in value, as they lack proper development through further specific and accurate evidence.

Organization

Little evidence of an organizational structure can be discerned in this essay. The response is a single paragraph, which begins by focusing on one poem (“The poem ‘To Daffodils’ is explaining how quickly and of what short time they last. It is dwelling on the anticipation of the flowers leaving and never being able to show their true beauty.”) rather than introducing the prompt. The response could be greatly improved with proper paragraphing and transitional devices, as well as an introduction and conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although occasionally problematic, the language use in this essay is not wholly inappropriate. Indeed, the writer uses a few very effective words in the essay (“In this circumstance the fact of witnessing beautiful daffodils can have a major affect and delight a person's spirit”), although the sentence structure could be refined (“Whereas ‘I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud’ is showing the appreciation & life of flowers”). The writer’s voice is not well defined, but it is clear that this essay is addressed to the intended audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Few distracting errors in grammar (“‘To Daffodils’ is explaining how quickly and of what short time they last”), punctuation, or spelling (“have a major affect”) interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Daffodils" and "To Daffodils" are two contrasting poems but yet they still have some similarities. "Daffodils" was written by William Wordswoth and "To Daffodils" was written by Robert Herrick. These two authors shared thier ideas about daffodils. Although they each had thier different thoughts like normal people. However one expressed his thoughts in a possitive way and the other author communicated his ideas in a negative way.

To summarize "Daffodils"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer states a controlling idea that indicates s/he has read the poems and attempts to complete the assigned task (“‘Daffodils’ and ‘To Daffodils’ are two contrasting poems but yet they still have some similarities”). Yet, the analysis presented to the reader is insufficient and fails to adequately make connections between the task and the ideas presented in the poems. As it is written, this essay is limited in its ability to appropriately complete the assigned task.

Content & Development

The writer makes a rudimentary attempt to compare and contrast the two poems, although this attempt is weakened due both to its brevity and lack of reference to the original poems (“These two authors shared thier ideas about daffodils. Although they each had thier different thoughts like normal people. However one expressed his thoughts in a possitive way and the other author communicated his ideas in a negative way”). The reader is merely left with a hint of how these two poems stand in relation to one another.

Organization

Little evidence of a unified structure can be detected in this essay. While there is some sense of a flow from the opening sentence (“‘Daffodils’ and ‘To Daffodils’ are two contrasting poems but yet they still have some similarities”), not enough content has been provided by the writer to make the structure evident to the reader. No separate introduction, body, or conclusion has been written, and the essay appears to be incomplete.

Language Use & Style

The writer appears unable to effectively use language to communicate complete ideas to the reader. While the level of the words used would not necessarily be inappropriate for this writing task, the writer does commit several errors in sentence structure that detract from his/her ability to communicate with the intended audience. (“Although they each had thier different thoughts like normal people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Several noticeable errors in grammar (“Although they each had thier different thoughts like normal people”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“shared thier ideas”) call into question the writer’s ability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"To daffodils" is a poem that compares people with daffodils. It says that "as you (the daffdils) or anything we die". When " I wandered lonely as a cloud," is more comparing people to more of all nature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this very short response, the author does not establish an adequate controlling idea. No substantial analysis of the two poems is evident, and the author has failed to address the task presented in the writing assignment. As such, this essay inadequately communicates a complete message to the intended audience.

Content & Development

The author fails to develop any controlling ideas, compare and contrast the meaning of the two poems presented, or make any meaningful references to the texts of the poems. The author’s only reference to the poems is too short and isolated and thus adds little overall value to the essay (“It says that ‘as you [the daffdils] or anything we die’.”).

Organization

In the space of three sentences, the author is unable to develop or implement a meaningful organizational structure. The essay lacks an introduction and conclusion. The essay could be greatly improved with further elaboration, proper paragraphing, and transitional devices. As it is written, the essay demonstrates no evidence of organization.

Language Use & Style

Although it seems as though this student possesses language use that is not wholly inappropriate for an audience and writing assignment of this level and type (“When ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud,’ is more comparing people to more of all nature.”), it is difficult to recognize proper language use in such a short response.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although this student seems to maintain a decent grasp of the conventions and mechanics of writing, it is difficult to adequately assess grammar, punctuation, and spelling (“daffdils “) in such a short response.

Curley’s Wife in Of Mice and Men

Many readers of John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men change their feelings regarding Curley’s wife as the story unfolds. What were your impressions of Curley’s wife? Ultimately, was she an admirable character, victim, or a villain?

In a well-developed essay, analyze Steinbeck’s portrayal of Curley’s wife. Be sure to use specific details and examples from the novel to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Whether seeking praise or merely attempting to escape the chambers of loneliness, most of us have all experienced longing for acceptance. The method by which individuals struggle to overcome the fear of being on their own often reveals their genuine dispositions. This struggle is exemplified in one of the most symbolic characters in John Steinbeck's novel, Of Mice and Men , Curley's spouse. In a society dominated by rural working men, she is both restrained and neglected by her own husband. The common perception of Curley's wife deviates among several different viewpoints, but ultimately she is a victim engulfed by her desire to live without the burden of loneliness.

Seemingly a troublesome character, Curley's wife is first revealed in her entrance into George and Lennie's room after the abrupt conflict between Curley and the two new workers. Steinbeck eventually portrays Curley's wife as possessing many negative qualities, including her frequent complaining, exerting of authority over the "weak" men of the ranch, and mocking others for their dreams. Before we are cognizant of this, however, she is foreshadowed a short time before her appearance, described as possessing a seductive manner despite her beauty. Candy, the old swamper, claims to have seen Curley's wife give both Slim and Carlson, two workers on the ranch, "The eye," and adds that her husband had never seen her do it. Steinbeck's description of her having a "nasal, brittle voice" provides the impression of her possessing an irritating demeanor. George's notion of Curley's wife is that of "tramp" who was nothing more than "a piece of jail bait." Although we have established an initial feeling that she will become a calamitous factor in determining George and Lennie's future social welfare on the ranch, this perception of her villainy is misleading.

Furthermore, feelings of Curley's wife may change as she also displays qualities suitable for an admirable identity. Her ability to stand up for herself can be extracted from the fact that she is not servile to Curley because of her individuality. When she encounters Lennie, Candy, and Crooks in the stable buck's room one night, she exclaims, "Think I don't like to talk to somebody ever' once in a while? Think I'm gonna stay in that two-by-four house and listen how Curley's gonna lead with his left twict, and then bring in the ol' right cross?" Curley's wife depicts the bravery necessary for women to defend themselves, even though men during her time often disregarded the importance of females. In this sense, she represents the idea that people sustain the right to seek individual happiness. Immediately before her death, she confabs with Lennie about her past; she expresses how she could have made something out of herself. She stated how she had a dream of becoming an actress and even encountered opportunities in vain to achieve her goal.

Curley's wife can thus far be viewed as both a villain and an admirable character, but it is the combination of both perceptions that compose her true circumstance, which is that of a victim. Indeed, it is her own struggle to overcome loneliness and to seek individual joy and acceptance that leads to her downfall. She is a victim of the quest for combating loneliness and sustaining a life in which she is accepted by her peers. Because she is often very lonely and forced by her husband to stay in the house every day, she does what any sensible person would do -- seek the companionship of others. Curley, being a busybody who is always at work, fails to provide for his spouse's needs and desires despite "keeping one hand soft for her." Her natural reaction, therefore, is to constantly travel around the ranch finding anyone to talk to her. Her seductiveness, discouragement, and complaints all stem from her feeling of loneliness. Unlike many people today, she was not able to gain acceptance because of her unfavorable surroundings. George accurately describes her as being a rat trap. It is not only Lennie who falls into the trap, however, but herself as well. On the day of her death, she discovers Lennie by himself in the farm. Seeking an opportunity to finally communicate her problems to someone, Curley's wife fails to realize the dangers that reside in exciting Lennie. In attempt to console him, she makes a mistake in allowing him to stroke her hair, resulting in Lennie's crime of murder. Throughout the novel, the only time when she seems content with her life is when she is dead. Steinbeck describes the corpse of Curley's misunderstood wife as having a face that is "pretty and simple ... sweet and young."

In summary, Curley's wife is an unfortunate victim of her own desire to escape dejection. Although Steinbeck portrays her personality in a variety of ways as his novel progresses, her victimhood apparently results from a union of the circumstances involving these different personalities. Because she desires to be recognized and appreciated, she struggles between reality and imagination. From various perceptions of her being both an agitator and an admirable character, Steinbeck effectively develops Curley's wife into a distressed identity who brought failure upon herself in attempting to attain success by liberating herself from a lonely world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The method by which individuals struggle to overcome the fear of being on their own often reveals their genuine dispositions. This struggle is exemplified in one of the most symbolic characters in John Steinbeck's novel, Of Mice and Men , Curley's spouse.”) Furthermore, the language of the thesis fits the essay’s main examples very effectively. (“ The common perception of Curley's wife deviates among several different viewpoints, but ultimately she is a victim engulfed by her desire to live without the burden of loneliness.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea in an effective manner. (“ Curley, being a busybody who is always at work, fails to provide for his spouse's needs and desires despite ‘keeping one hand soft for her.’ Her natural reaction, therefore, is to constantly travel around the ranch finding anyone to talk to her. Her seductiveness, discouragement, and complaints all stem from her feeling of loneliness.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, and context. (“ Curley's wife depicts the bravery necessary for women to defend themselves, even though men during her time often disregarded the importance of females. In this sense, she represents the idea that people sustain the right to seek individual happiness.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ She is a victim of the quest for combating loneliness and sustaining a life in which she is accepted by her peers. Because she is often very lonely and forced by her husband to stay in the house every day, she does what any sensible person would do -- seek the companionship of others.”) The essay effectively incorporates quotations from the text. (“ When she encounters Lennie, Candy, and Crooks in the stable buck's room one night, she exclaims, ‘Think I don't like to talk to somebody ever' once in a while? Think I'm gonna stay in that two-by-four house and listen how Curley's gonna lead with his left twict, and then bring in the ol' right cross?’”)

O rganization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. Specifically, the essay demonstrates a very effectively written introduction. (“ Whether seeking praise or merely attempting to escape the chambers of loneliness, most of us have all experienced longing for acceptance. The method by which individuals struggle to overcome the fear of being on their own often reveals their genuine dispositions.”) Transitions between paragraphs are used very effectively. ( Seemingly a troublesome character, Curley's wife is first revealed in her entrance….Furthermore, feelings of Curley's wife may change as she also displays qualities suitable for an admirable identity….) The conclusion successfully leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In summary, Curley's wife is an unfortunate victim of her own desire to escape dejection. Although Steinbeck portrays her personality in a variety of ways as his novel progresses, her victimhood apparently results from a union of the circumstances involving these different personalities. Because she desires to be recognized and appreciated, she struggles between reality and imagination.”)

Language Use & Style

Coherent style and tone such as (“ Her ability to stand up for herself can be extracted from the fact that she is not servile to Curley because of her individuality.”), ensures that the reader can thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related. C ompound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Immediately before her death, she confabs with Lennie about her past; she expresses how she could have made something out of herself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling within the essay. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish paragraphs. (“ Curley's wife can thus far be viewed as both a villain and an admirable character, but it is the combination of both perceptions that compose her true circumstance, which is that of a victim. Indeed, it is her own struggle to overcome loneliness and to seek individual joy and acceptance that leads to her downfall.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you have sympathy for bad people who do destructive, hurtful things, but who themselves are hurting in the inside? In the novel, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, there is a woman (Curley's Wife) going through the same exact conflict. Curley’s wife is a victim because she was mistreated by her husband; however, that made her change her lifestyle into a villainous one. She became flirtatious and began causing trouble. But remember, there is always a reason why victims become a villain. Is it really her fault that she died? Or is someone else to blame?

In the beginning of this story, Curley’s wife seemed like a victim because of the way she was mistreated by her husband. Curley would not give his wife any attention whatsoever. All that Curley did was control her actions all day. In chapter two, Curley says, "You seen a girl around here? Bout half hour ago," George said. "Well what the hell was she doing in here?" This quote clearly shows us that she has no freedom. Also, Curley gets jealous every time she goes somewhere. He would yell at her when she would come out the house. She could not do anything. He expects her to do whatever he says. People do not like to be treated that way.

However, she becomes a villain. Since her husband restrains her all day, she likes to be flirtatious. She flirts with every guy on the ranch. She mainly likes George and Lennie. She tries to make them like her by throwing herself at them. For example, she states, “‘I'm looking for Curley’ well she put her hands behind her back, leaning against the door frame so her body was thrown forward. George said ‘He just left’ She looked at her fingernails and said playfully, ‘Nobody can blame a person for looking.’” She always likes to be around the boys, always trying to flirt with them. Another example is, when she talks to them she likes to have sexual appeal. She always pulls up her dress so her legs could show. This illustrates that she is flirtatious and does not care who the actions are towards.

On the other hand, she likes trouble. She enjoys getting all the men on the ranch in trouble. Her main target is George and Lennie, but mostly Lennie. Since Lennie has a mental illness he was the only one who would talk back to her when no one would. She would chase them around whenever she can. She would never leave him alone, no matter what the consequences were. She knows that Curley is so controlling and gets mad for every little thing; why would she do something so selfish? Especially knowing that Curley hates Lennie, she continued to pursue a conversation with him. She needs to stop and think about what she is doing, not only to herself, but potentially to Lennie.

In the beginning of this story Curley's wife seemed like a victim. When the story goes on you can clearly see she is a villain. Even though she was mistreated and Curley was controlling, she is married. When people are married they are supposed to be faithful. They should not be running around looking for trouble and flirting with everyone they see. She has no right to do what she did. She is the one who got herself into that situation. She is the one who chose Curley, so it is her fault that she died. Yes, it is, and yes, you can blame her. Victims do turn into villains all the time. As you can see, she did the exact same thing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, the essay’s response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ Curley’s wife is a victim because she was mistreated by her husband; however, that made her change her lifestyle into a villainous one.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“In the beginning of this story, Curley’s wife seemed like a victim because of the way she was mistreated by her husband…. However, she becomes a villain. Since her husband restrains her all day, she likes to be flirtatious.”) Moreover, the writer includes details that highlight specific information about the character and dialogue, thus connecting the essay question to the text. (“In chapter two, Curley says, ‘You seen a girl around here?’ ‘Bout half hour ago,’ George said. ‘Well what the hell was she doing in here?’ This quote clearly shows us that she has no freedom.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Especially knowing that Curley hates Lennie, she continued to pursue a conversation with him.”) The essay also includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“ She always pulls up her dress so her legs could show. This illustrates that she is flirtatious and does not care who the actions are towards.”) The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ On the other hand, she likes trouble. She enjoys getting all the men on the ranch in trouble. Her main target is George and Lennie, but mostly Lennie. Since Lennie has a mental illness he was the only one who would talk back to her when no one would.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question. (“ Do you have sympathy for bad people who do destructive, hurtful things, but who themselves are hurting in the inside? In the novel, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, there is a woman (Curley's Wife) going through the same exact conflict.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ In the beginning of this story, Curley’s wife seemed like a victim…. However, she becomes a villain…. On the other hand, she likes trouble.”) Finally, the conclusion teaches its readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. (“ She is the one who got herself into that situation….Victims do turn into villains all the time. As you can see, she did the exact same thing.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ She enjoys getting all the men on the ranch in trouble. Her main target is George and Lennie, but mostly Lennie….. Even though she was mistreated and Curley was controlling, she is married.”) Coherent style and tone helps readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ However, she becomes a villain. Since her husband restrains her all day, she likes to be flirtatious. She flirts with every guy on the ranch.”) Also, complex and compound sentences are used effectively. (“ She knows that Curley is so controlling and gets mad for every little thing; why would she do something so selfish?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Also, Curley gets jealous every time she goes somewhere. He would yell at her when she would come out the house. She could not do anything.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever noticed how villains always get what they deserve in the end of the story or movie? The story that I will be talking about is "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck. Throughout the story we see that Curley's wife is a troublemaker because she threatens the men. We also see that she's a flirt because when she sees guys she wants there attention. She is selfish because she only thinks about herself and no one else but her. Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker, a flirt, and selfish.

Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker. In chapter two Curley's wife comes into the bunkhouse and is looking for Curley but he is not there. Then she tries to talk to Lennie and George. She is a troublemaker because she likes to get the men on the ranch into trouble. Through a couple chapters later George is putting the horse back in the barn and Curley's wife comes into the barn and tries to talk to George, and Curley walks in and tells her to go in the house and to stay away from the men. To me I think that she doesn't care about the consequences that the men have to go through every time she talks to them. Everything that she does gets the men into trouble.

Curley's wife likes to flirt with all the guys on the ranch. She is uncommitted to her marriage and that's why she is a villain. When she flirts with the guys on the ranch she gets them into trouble. Curley's wife likes to flirt with Slim, George, and Lennie. She says in the book "I just want someone to talk to" and that is her excuse to flirt. That excuse is probably getting the guys to feel bad for her. I think it is bad that she flirts with all the guys because she is married.

Curley's wife is a villain because she is selfish and never thinks about anyone else other then herself. She likes to be the center of attention. For example Curley's wife tells George and Lennie one night about how she could have been an actress but her mom didn't let her. So then she just married Curley. She uses her looks to get what she wants. Curley's wife is selfish and you should never live your life this way.

Well as you can see Curley's wife is a troublemaker, big flirt, and selfish. Now after you read this paper about Curley's wife you can see why she is a villain in this story. Through the story you can see that she is a flirt with all the guys and ends up getting them in to trouble. That's why she is a troublemaker which in other words means that she is selfish because she only thinks about what is going to benefit herself. I hope that I convinced you enough that you think of her as a villain.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The story that I will be talking about is ‘Of Mice and Men’ by John Steinbeck. Throughout the story we see that Curley's wife is a troublemaker because she threatens the men.”) The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker, a flirt, and selfish.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the text. (“Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker…. Curley's wife likes to flirt with all the guys on the ranch….. Curley's wife is a villain because she is selfish.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay includes quotations (by the main character) from the text. (“She says in the book ‘I just want someone to talk to’ and that is her excuse to flirt.”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“To me I think that she doesn't care about the consequence that the men have to go through every time she talks to them. Everything that she does gets the men into trouble.”) The essay includes adequate details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot. (“For example Curley's wife tells George and Lennie one night about how she could have been an actress but her mom didn't let her. So then she just married Curley.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question or an exclamation. (“ Have you ever noticed how villains always get what they deserve in the end of the story or movie?”) The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker, a flirt, and selfish.”) The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“Well as you can see Curley's wife is a troublemaker, big flirt, and selfish. Now after you read this paper about Curley's wife you can see why she is a villain in this story.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Curley's wife likes to flirt with all the guys on the ranch….Curley's wife tells George and Lennie one night about how she could have been an actress but her mom didn't let her. So then she just married Curley.”) Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the writer uses contractions in his/her essay. (“ We also see that she's a flirt…. That's why she is a troublemaker….”) There are few exact/specific words related to the research. (“ Through the story you can see that she is a flirt with all the guys and ends up getting them in to trouble. That's why she is a troublemaker which in other words means that she is selfish because she only thinks about what is going to benefit herself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ Curley's wife is a villain because she is a troublemaker. In chapter two Curley's wife comes into the bunkhouse and is looking for Curley but he is not there. Then she tries to talk to Lennie and George. She is a troublemaker because she likes to get the men on the ranch into trouble.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I Believe that John Steinbeck could possibly be a sexist. Curley's Wife was played as a mysterious woman that was portrayed as bad person but yet a good one. She was treated like crap, the way curley bossed her around and such. I had many impessions of curley's wife but only a few mattered. I feel that she was not only an admirable character but a victim and a villan. The reason why I thought of her as to be an admirable character is because she seemed like she didn't want any trouble. She acted as a trustable person even though she wasn't supposed to be talking to anyone. She to me, came off as a person you could talk to without your secrets getting told.That is what left me to believe that she is admirable.

What leaves me to believe that curley's wife is also a villain is that she was trouble. She could have easily got George and lennie killed even though it was her fault for lennie's death. she may have not known that she was but curley's wife was a huge threat and was not wanted anywhere. If she would have just left lennie alone, there wouldnt have been any trouble and they could have gotten that farm they wanted. like I said before, all that girl is is trouble.

I also Agree that curley's wife was a victim. What Lead me to beleive this is that she didnt want any problems. She just wanted someone to talk to because she wasnt allowed to talk to anyone. I dont think she meant any harm by speaking to lennie and when she did, she got killed. she just showed him her hair and was shooken to death. She didnt want that.

So as my conclusion, I would like to once again state that she is an admirable charater, a victim as well as a villain. She wasnt a meaningful person in the story but played a pretty big part in this story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“She to me, came off as a person you could talk to without your secrets getting told.That is what left me to believe that she is admirable.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“What leaves me to believe that curley's wife is also a villain is that she was trouble. She could have easily got George and lennie killed even though it was her fault for lennie's death.”) The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“like I said before, all that girl is is trouble.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“She could have easily got George and lennie killed even though it was her fault for lennie's death. she may have not known that she was but curley's wife was a huge threat and was not wanted anywhere.”) The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“she may have not known that she was but curley's wife was a huge threat and was not wanted anywhere. If she would have just left lennie alone, there wouldnt have been any trouble and they could have gotten that farm they wanted.”) The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“I also Agree that curley's wife was a victim. What Lead me to beleive this is that she didnt want any problems. She just wanted someone to talk to because she wasnt allowed to talk to anyone.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I Believe that John Steinbeck could possibly be a sexist.”) However, transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ I also Agree that curley's wife was a victim. What Lead me to beleive this is that she didnt want any problems. She just wanted someone to talk to because she wasnt allowed to talk to anyone.”) The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ So as my conclusion, I would like to once again state that she is an admirable charater, a victim as well as a villain. She wasnt a meaningful person in the story but played a pretty big part in this story.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ she may have not known that she was but curley's wife was a huge threat and was not wanted anywhere.”) The style is not formal. (“ like I said before, all that girl is is trouble.”) Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ I had many impessions of curley's wife but only a few mattered. I feel that she was not only an admirable character but a victim and a villan.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“she may have not known that she was but curley's wife was a huge threat and was not wanted anywhere. If she would have just left lennie alone, there wouldnt have been any trouble and they could have gotten that farm they wanted. like I said before, all that girl is is trouble.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that in the story Of Mice And Men curley's wife character seemed to change thourghout the story. At first I thought that she was a villian just looking to start trouble. Then toward the end of the story I started to see her more as a victim. So I think her character changed.

At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers. She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man. She also seemed to go out and talk to all the workers seeming like she was trying to make Curley become angry at the workers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“I think that in the story Of Mice And Men curley's wife character seemed to change thourghout the story.”) The essay does not state a clear central/controlling idea. (“ At first I thought that she was a villian just looking to start trouble. Then toward the end of the story I started to see her more as a victim. So I think her character changed.”) The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas. (“ At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers. She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. Specifically, the essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers.”) Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man.”) Important details are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“She also seemed to go out and talk to all the workers seeming like she was trying to make Curley become angry at the workers.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ I think that in the story Of Mice And Men curley's wife character seemed to change thourghout the story. At first I thought that she was a villian just looking to start trouble. Then toward the end of the story I started to see her more as a victim. So I think her character changed.”) Furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. Using transitional devices would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers. She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man.”) The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ She also seemed to go out and talk to all the workers seeming like she was trying to make Curley become angry at the workers.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The style is not formal. (“ At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers. She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man.”) The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ At first I thought that she was a villian just looking to start trouble. Then toward the end of the story I started to see her more as a victim.”) Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ I think that in the story Of Mice And Men curley's wife character seemed to change thourghout the story. At first I thought that she was a villian just looking to start trouble. Then toward the end of the story I started to see her more as a victim. So I think her character changed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“At the beginning of the story she seemed like she wanted to just start trouble between curley and the workers. She did this by firlting with the workers when she knew that Curley was a jealous man. She also seemed to go out and talk to all the workers seeming like she was trying to make Curley become angry at the workers.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”) The essay includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”) The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”) T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The essay exhibits major errors in sentence structure and usage. There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”) T ransitions are also needed. (“ In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends.”) The style is not formal. (“ she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“In John Steinbecks novel Of Mice And Men there is a character called Curleys Wife and she is thought to be a prostitute. she is a tease when really she is just being somewhat of tease to get attention and make friends. since she does not have many friends due to her husband Curleys attitude problem and his accessive fighting anyone who talks to her.”)

Definition of a Hero

Select a text and analyze themes and characters to answer the question, “What does it mean to be a hero?” How do characters' traits, actions, and thoughts affect themselves and others? How or why are they heroic?

In a multi-paragraph essay, explore what it means to be a hero. Include examples and details from a literary work to support your discussion.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic tale of evil versus good in the small town of Maycomb , Alabama . It clearly sets up most characters as either a hero, or a villain through unconventional ways without looking at the obvious choice of the man with the gun. Although Atticus seems to be the clear hero in the story, some other improbable heroes are evident, such as Mrs. Dubose and the Finch children. The one thing that raises them to hero status is also the one thing that hurts them so much. In To Kill a Mockingbird , Harper Lee portrays true heroes as people who persevere through hardships even though they know that they will lose.

To begin, the Finch children start to learn the meaning of a true hero and begin to show it themselves. Scout, who still at a young age, doesn't fully understand the true meaning of a hero. However, at the request of his father, she becomes an example of one. At school, Scout is well known for her quick temper and ability to get in fights. Since Atticus took the case, Scout is getting in a lot more fights to not openly defend her honor, but to defend her family's as well. However, Atticus confronts her and tell her to hold her "head up high and keep those fists down," which upsets Scout. The next day, Scout decides to listen to Atticus, and when she is challenged by Cecil Jacobs, Scout decides to walk away. All the children begin to call her a coward and laugh at her, but Scout keeps her head up high. Even though she knows that all the kids will insult her, Scout goes through with it anyway. Jem also becomes an example of a hero when he is at the jailhouse with the Sarum mob. Despite being severely outnumbered, Jem decides to stand by his father and defend the door to the jailhouse. Armed with guns and other weapons, the Sarum mob can seriously hurt Jem, but he doesn't care. All that matters to him is that he stands by his father and supports what he believes in. This just shows that true heroes do not have to be old and wise and do not have to make huge sacrifices. They just need to stand up for their beliefs in times where there is so support whatsoever.

An unlikely hero in the book is Mrs. Dubose, who strongly overcame her morphine addiction. At first, Mrs. Dubose is seen as an evil and prejudiced character who hates Jem and Scout. Atticus reminds them to see it from her point of view before judging her, which leads to them learning about her drug addiction. Mrs. Dubose needs the children to help her through it, yet she suffers in silence. Moreover, she is very ill and close to dying. The real courage comes from the fact that although she knows that she will die, she still tries to overcome her addiction, no matter how painful and difficult it is. Atticus' description of true heroes is "when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what (112)." In the end, Mrs. Dubose is able to die honorably and free from her demons. Even though it did not matter much, it was still important to her, and that's what makes her a true hero.

However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose. Atticus shows in many cases, the definition of a true hero, but no situation was more important than the Tom Robinson trial. In Maycomb, the thought of taking an African American's word over a white man's is ludicrous to the citizens, especially over a matter as serious as a black man raping a white woman. Regardless of this information, Atticus still takes Tom Robinson's case and tries to make as big of a difference as possible. When Scout asks him if he thinks he will win the case, Atticus calmly replies "No, honey." Atticus goes on to explain that, "Simply because we were licked a hundred years before we started is no reason for us not to try to win." Basically, Atticus believes that just because it is unlikely that he will win, this does not mean he has to give up before trying. In the weeks before the trial, the Finch family has to endure huge amounts of discrimination because of the case. Atticus, specifically, receives discrimination from people, such as Mrs. Dubose and his own sister. Through all these hardships, Atticus remains strong and focuses on his goal, no matter how tough it is. In his closing statements, he no longer is speaking as a professional; he is pleading from his heart for them to abandon their set biases. He knows in his heart that they won't, but that does not stop him from trying. Even Scout knows deep down that the verdict will be guilty, when she compares watching Atticus' efforts to "watching Atticus walk down the street, raise a rifle to his shoulder and pull the trigger, but watching all the time knowing that the gun was empty." This metaphor explains that Scout knows all along that Tom Robinson will be judged guilty and sees that Atticus is trying so hard for no reason. When the verdict actually comes and unanimously finds Tom Robinson guilty, Atticus has nothing to do but feel proud that he may have made a difference, which, after all, is all he could possibly have done.

Heroes come in many forms, from a soldier in a war to a recovering alcoholic. Harper Lee believes that true heroes are not the ones with the guns but the ones who persevere, even though they know they will lose. Brave does not even begin to describe the people who go through so much pain for a lost cause. The universal image of a hero is a young physically able man who uses his strength to solve problems. In To Kill a Mockingbird , the heroes come in many shapes and sizes, from a frail old lady, to a twelve-year-old boy. This just goes to show that, in our world, anyone can be a hero, and everyone should be respected for his or her efforts.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this literary essay. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through the central or controlling idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Heroes come in many forms, from a soldier in a war to a recovering alcoholic. Harper Lee believes that true heroes are not the ones with the guns but the ones who persevere, even though they know they will lose. Brave does not even begin to describe the people who go through so much pain for a lost cause. The universal image of a hero is a young physically able man who uses his strength to solve problems. In To Kill a Mockingbird , the heroes come in many shapes and sizes, from a frail old lady, to a twelve-year-old boy. This just goes to show that, in our world, anyone can be a hero, and everyone should be respected for his or her efforts.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ To begin, the Finch children start to learn the meaning of a true hero and begin to show it themselves. Scout, who still at a young age, doesn't fully understand the true meaning of a hero. However, at the request of his father, she becomes an example of one. At school, Scout is well known for her quick temper and ability to get in fights. Since Atticus took the case, Scout is getting in a lot more fights to not openly defend her honor, but to defend her family's as well. However, Atticus confronts her and tell her to hold her ‘head up high and keep those fists down,’ which upsets Scout. The next day, Scout decides to listen to Atticus, and when she is challenged by Cecil Jacobs, Scout decides to walk away. All the children begin to call her a coward and laugh at her, but Scout keeps her head up high. Even though she knows that all the kids will insult her, Scout goes through with it anyway.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In To Kill a Mockingbird , Harper Lee portrays true heroes as people who persevere through hardships even though they know that they will lose.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen throughout the essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully by using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“An unlikely hero in the book is Mrs. Dubose, who strongly overcame her morphine addiction. At first, Mrs. Dubose is seen as an evil and prejudiced character who hates Jem and Scout. Atticus reminds them to see it from her point of view before judging her, which leads to them learning about her drug addiction. Mrs. Dubose needs the children to help her through it, yet she suffers in silence. Moreover, she is very ill and close to dying. The real courage comes from the fact that although she knows that she will die, she still tries to overcome her addiction, no matter how painful and difficult it is. Atticus' description of true heroes is ‘when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what (112).’”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose. Atticus shows in many cases, the definition of a true hero, but no situation was more important than the Tom Robinson trial. In Maycomb, the thought of taking an African American's word over a white man's is ludicrous to the citizens, especially over a matter as serious as a black man raping a white woman. Regardless of this information, Atticus still takes Tom Robinson's case and tries to make as big of a difference as possible.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose. Atticus shows in many cases, the definition of a true hero, but no situation was more important than the Tom Robinson trial. In Maycomb, the thought of taking an African American's word over a white man's is ludicrous to the citizens, especially over a matter as serious as a black man raping a white woman. Regardless of this information, Atticus still takes Tom Robinson's case and tries to make as big of a difference as possible.”)

Organization

This essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic tale of evil versus good in the small town of Maycomb , Alabama . It clearly sets up most characters as either a hero, or a villain through unconventional ways without looking at the obvious choice of the man with the gun. Although Atticus seems to be the clear hero in the story, some other improbable heroes are evident, such as Mrs. Dubose and the Finch children. The one thing that raises them to hero status is also the one thing that hurts them so much. In To Kill a Mockingbird , Harper Lee portrays true heroes as people who persevere through hardships even though they know that they will lose.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ To begin, the Finch children start to learn the meaning of a true hero and begin to show it themselves. …An unlikely hero in the book is Mrs. Dubose, who strongly overcame her morphine addiction. At first, Mrs. Dubose is seen as an evil and prejudiced character who hates Jem and Scout. …However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ Heroes come in many forms, from a soldier in a war to a recovering alcoholic. Harper Lee believes that true heroes are not the ones with the guns but the ones who persevere, even though they know they will lose. Brave does not even begin to describe the people who go through so much pain for a lost cause. The universal image of a hero is a young physically able man who uses his strength to solve problems. In To Kill a Mockingbird , the heroes come in many shapes and sizes, from a frail old lady, to a twelve-year-old boy. This just goes to show that, in our world, anyone can be a hero, and everyone should be respected for his or her efforts.”)

The conclusion very effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“ Heroes come in many forms, from a soldier in a war to a recovering alcoholic. Harper Lee believes that true heroes are not the ones with the guns but the ones who persevere, even though they know they will lose. Brave does not even begin to describe the people who go through so much pain for a lost cause. The universal image of a hero is a young physically able man who uses his strength to solve problems. In To Kill a Mockingbird , the heroes come in many shapes and sizes, from a frail old lady, to a twelve-year-old boy. This just goes to show that, in our world, anyone can be a hero, and everyone should be respected for his or her efforts.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates very effective use of language and style in the essay. The writing demonstrates precise language, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Jem also becomes an example of a hero when he is at the jailhouse with the Sarum mob. Despite being severely outnumbered, Jem decides to stand by his father and defend the door to the jailhouse. Armed with guns and other weapons, the Sarum mob can seriously hurt Jem, but he doesn't care. All that matters to him is that he stands by his father and supports what he believes in. This just shows that true heroes do not have to be old and wise and do not have to make huge sacrifices. They just need to stand up for their beliefs in times where there is so support whatsoever.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ An unlikely hero in the book is Mrs. Dubose, who strongly overcame her morphine addiction. At first, Mrs. Dubose is seen as an evil and prejudiced character who hates Jem and Scout. Atticus reminds them to see it from her point of view before judging her, which leads to them learning about her drug addiction. Mrs. Dubose needs the children to help her through it, yet she suffers in silence. Moreover, she is very ill and close to dying. The real courage comes from the fact that although she knows that she will die, she still tries to overcome her addiction, no matter how painful and difficult it is. Atticus' description of true heroes is ‘when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what (112).’ In the end, Mrs. Dubose is able to die honorably and free from her demons. Even though it did not matter much, it was still important to her, and that's what makes her a true hero. …However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose. Atticus shows in many cases, the definition of a true hero, but no situation was more important than the Tom Robinson trial. In Maycomb, the thought of taking an African American's word over a white man's is ludicrous to the citizens, especially over a matter as serious as a black man raping a white woman. Regardless of this information, Atticus still takes Tom Robinson's case and tries to make as big of a difference as possible. When Scout asks him if he thinks he will win the case, Atticus calmly replies ‘No, honey.’ Atticus goes on to explain that, ‘Simply because we were licked a hundred years before we started is no reason for us not to try to win.’ Basically, Atticus believes that just because it is unlikely that he will win, this does not mean he has to give up before trying. In the weeks before the trial, the Finch family has to endure huge amounts of discrimination because of the case. Atticus, specifically, receives discrimination from people, such as Mrs. Dubose and his own sister. Through all these hardships, Atticus remains strong and focuses on his goal, no matter how tough it is. In his closing statements, he no longer is speaking as a professional; he is pleading from his heart for them to abandon their set biases. He knows in his heart that they won't, but that does not stop him from trying.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ The next day, Scout decides to listen to Atticus, and when she is challenged by Cecil Jacobs, Scout decides to walk away.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ However, Atticus Finch is the real hero of the book because he takes the biggest risk, despite knowing that he will definitely lose. Atticus shows in many cases, the definition of a true hero, but no situation was more important than the Tom Robinson trial.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Life revolves around our ability to willingly choose our destinies and way we decide to make our decisions, for the good of mankind or for the downfall of us. And life certainly isn't black and white and simplistic, but its a tragic truth that we're all inevitably faced with the choice of becoming a hero, a villain, or part of the crowd that stands by as mere witnesses, in reality, shades of gray do not exist. A hero can be defined in solely a few words; courage, loyalty, and selflessness. Percy Jackson, from The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, perfectly exemplifies all of these innate characteristics.

Courage, can easily be mistaken for being fearless, when its essential meaning is not being fearless, but being fearful and overcoming that adversity. Being terrified, and at the same moment, standing up to challenge it. Percy Jackson is faced with many obstacles, being a demigod, he is constantly being hunted, by gods and mythical monsters. But his greatest fear was his own father, Poseidon. Percy's ambition was to get noticed by his father, he would've preferred death over disappointing Poseidon, he was even full of trepidation when his quest was completed and he was finally able to meet his father. But he overcame that fear, he looked his father in the eye and told him that he would no longer live his life according to Poseidon's standards, and because it's what he deeply feared, it demonstrated true personal bravery.

Loyalty was also a reoccuring theme in this specific novel. Most of the conflict was due to the fact that the oracle of Delphi prophesized that Percy was the key to final and eternal victory. That whichever side he chose, good or evil, would be ultimately in power. When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain. Every second of his fictional existance, he proved his loyalty by remaining true, regardless of any other insignificant aspects.

Lastly, I discussed selflessness, which can also be seen as a sacrificial nature. It’s basically intentionally putting others and their necessities before oneself. Percy travels with two companions to the Underworld to rescue his mother from being unfairly kidnapped. Bearing witness to this new hero, Hades, wanted to test his selflessness, and allowed them passage to leave, but only allowing three to leave. And as Hades sat there in shock, Percy offered his mother and his friends the ability to leave. He was uncaring of how, or if he'd even escape the Underworld, his main concern was that the other would safely make it out.

Perseus Jackson was a hero in his fictional world, and he brought out the good in other characters. He forever altered the course of events in the novel by illustrating valued morals, more specifically by embodying courage, loyalty, and selflessness. A hero will always embark on a treacherous journey and return home significantly transformed by it, and that’s what Percy did. Everyone will have the choice to be a Percy, to be a villain, or to be part of the bystanders. Let it be known that it’s a decision that is made daily, and the beautiful part is that as humans we will always have freewill and will always be able to make that choice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are shown in the essay. It establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ Life revolves around our ability to willingly choose our destinies and way we decide to make our decisions, for the good of mankind or for the downfall of us. And life certainly isn't black and white and simplistic, but its a tragic truth that we're all inevitably faced with the choice of becoming a hero, a villain, or part of the crowd that stands by as mere witnesses, in reality, shades of gray do not exist. A hero can be defined in solely a few words; courage, loyalty, and selflessness. Percy Jackson, from The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, perfectly exemplifies all of these innate characteristics. …Percy's ambition was to get noticed by his father, he would've preferred death over disappointing Poseidon, he was even full of trepidation when his quest was completed and he was finally able to meet his father. But he overcame that fear, he looked his father in the eye and told him that he would no longer live his life according to Poseidon's standards, and because it's what he deeply feared, it demonstrated true personal bravery.”)

The writer uses good, specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Loyalty was also a reoccuring theme in this specific novel. Most of the conflict was due to the fact that the oracle of Delphi prophesized that Percy was the key to final and eternal victory. That whichever side he chose, good or evil, would be ultimately in power. When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain. Every second of his fictional existance, he proved his loyalty by remaining true, regardless of any other insignificant aspects.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well; each body paragraph discusses each of the three concepts mentioned in the thesis. (“ A hero can be defined in solely a few words; courage, loyalty, and selflessness. Percy Jackson, from The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, perfectly exemplifies all of these innate characteristics.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Loyalty was also a reoccuring theme in this specific novel. Most of the conflict was due to the fact that the oracle of Delphi prophesized that Percy was the key to final and eternal victory. That whichever side he chose, good or evil, would be ultimately in power. When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain. Every second of his fictional existance, he proved his loyalty by remaining true, regardless of any other insignificant aspects.”)

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Courage, can easily be mistaken for being fearless, when its essential meaning is not being fearless, but being fearful and overcoming that adversity. Being terrified, and at the same moment, standing up to challenge it. Percy Jackson is faced with many obstacles, being a demigod, he is constantly being hunted, by gods and mythical monsters. But his greatest fear was his own father, Poseidon. Percy's ambition was to get noticed by his father, he would've preferred death over disappointing Poseidon, he was even full of trepidation when his quest was completed and he was finally able to meet his father. But he overcame that fear, he looked his father in the eye and told him that he would no longer live his life according to Poseidon's standards, and because it's what he deeply feared, it demonstrated true personal bravery.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Loyalty was also a reoccuring theme in this specific novel. Most of the conflict was due to the fact that the oracle of Delphi prophesized that Percy was the key to final and eternal victory. That whichever side he chose, good or evil, would be ultimately in power. When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain. Every second of his fictional existance, he proved his loyalty by remaining true, regardless of any other insignificant aspects.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent within the essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ Life revolves around our ability to willingly choose our destinies and way we decide to make our decisions, for the good of mankind or for the downfall of us. And life certainly isn't black and white and simplistic, but its a tragic truth that we're all inevitably faced with the choice of becoming a hero, a villain, or part of the crowd that stands by as mere witnesses, in reality, shades of gray do not exist. A hero can be defined in solely a few words; courage, loyalty, and selflessness. Percy Jackson, from The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, perfectly exemplifies all of these innate characteristics.”)

The essay grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Life revolves around our ability to willingly choose our destinies and way we decide to make our decisions, for the good of mankind or for the downfall of us. And life certainly isn't black and white and simplistic, but its a tragic truth that we're all inevitably faced with the choice of becoming a hero, a villain, or part of the crowd that stands by as mere witnesses, in reality, shades of gray do not exist. A hero can be defined in solely a few words; courage, loyalty, and selflessness. Percy Jackson, from The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, perfectly exemplifies all of these innate characteristics.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Lastly, I discussed selflessness, which can also be seen as a sacrificial nature.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned from completing the essay. (“ Perseus Jackson was a hero in his fictional world, and he brought out the good in other characters. He forever altered the course of events in the novel by illustrating valued morals, more specifically by embodying courage, loyalty, and selflessness. A hero will always embark on a treacherous journey and return home significantly transformed by it, and that’s what Percy did. Everyone will have the choice to be a Percy, to be a villain, or to be part of the bystanders. Let it be known that it’s a decision that is made daily, and the beautiful part is that as humans we will always have freewill and will always be able to make that choice.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows good use of language and style in the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Lastly, I discussed selflessness, which can also be seen as a sacrificial nature. It’s basically intentionally putting others and their necessities before oneself. Percy travels with two companions to the Underworld to rescue his mother from being unfairly kidnapped. Bearing witness to this new hero, Hades, wanted to test his selflessness, and allowed them passage to leave, but only allowing three to leave. And as Hades sat there in shock, Percy offered his mother and his friends the ability to leave. He was uncaring of how, or if he'd even escape the Underworld, his main concern was that the other would safely make it out.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point or thesis statement of the essay. (“ Courage, can easily be mistaken for being fearless, when its essential meaning is not being fearless, but being fearful and overcoming that adversity. Being terrified, and at the same moment, standing up to challenge it. Percy Jackson is faced with many obstacles, being a demigod, he is constantly being hunted, by gods and mythical monsters. But his greatest fear was his own father, Poseidon. Percy's ambition was to get noticed by his father, he would've preferred death over disappointing Poseidon, he was even full of trepidation when his quest was completed and he was finally able to meet his father. But he overcame that fear, he looked his father in the eye and told him that he would no longer live his life according to Poseidon's standards, and because it's what he deeply feared, it demonstrated true personal bravery. …Loyalty was also a reoccuring theme in this specific novel. Most of the conflict was due to the fact that the oracle of Delphi prophesized that Percy was the key to final and eternal victory. That whichever side he chose, good or evil, would be ultimately in power. When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain. Every second of his fictional existance, he proved his loyalty by remaining true, regardless of any other insignificant aspects.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ A hero will always embark on a treacherous journey and return home significantly transformed by it, and that’s what Percy did.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When the world became aware of this, they either attempted to sway his loyalty or began to question it. Despite his aversion to some of his camp's inhabitants, and general unpopularity, he maintained his heroism, although he was offered infinite pleasures as a villain.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A hero is someone who rescues someone from a difficult time. A hero is someone who helps you unconditionally, and doesn't give up, no matter how many obstacles they face. In the story "The Miracle Worker," the hero in the story in my opinion is Annie Sullivan. Annie was going through a tough time, throughout the story, she couldn't get over the fact of not keeping her promise to her brother. At the same time she's trying to teach Helen right from wrong, and that words have a meaning. She helped Helen understand that everything has a meaning, and helped enable Helen to become a functioning and successful citizen in this world.

First of all, Annie Sullivan, in my opinion, is the true definition of a hero. She was definitely a strong woman, trying to put her past behind her, while trying to help someone who was simply bratty, and uncontrollable. She was also strong willed, and very stubborn. When Kate and Captain Keller objected to the way she was handling things, she told them off, and was very straight to the point. She truly had the heart of a hero.

Moreover, Annie never gave up on Helen. Helen did things such as punching her teeth out, or locking her in a room, and abusing her many times. Annie did the hero like thing and stuck it out to the end. She had to go through getting mocked and ridiculed by James, and constantly went head to head with Captain Keller, and dealt with a jealous Kate Keller. Still, she completed her deal with the Keller's. She could have left after all of that, but she didn't.

Finally, the thing that made what Annie did so significant was that back in the 1880's woman did nothing but cook and clean. She stood up to men about her opinion, which shocked Captain Keller. Back in that time she would be known as a fearless woman just for sticking up for herself. Like a hero she fought for her rights as an individual, and didn't let anyone take her down. No matter what obstacles she faced, she never went down without a fight.

In conclusion, this is why in my opinion Annie Sullivan is the hero of "The Miracle Worker." Without her hardworking, never give up attitude, Helen Keller probably wouldn't be known as the girl who was deaf and blind, who learned how to read and write. Annie came from a tough past, but she learned how to move on, and accomplish something magnificent while going through it. She was stubborn, fearless, strong, and she never gave up. She was Annie Sullivan, and she was a hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows evidence of adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“ A hero is someone who rescues someone from a difficult time. An hero is someone who helps you unconditionally, and doesn't give up, no matter how many obstacles they face. In the story ‘The Miracle Worker,’ the hero in the story in my opinion is Annie Sullivan. Annie was going through a tough time, throughout the story, she couldn't get over the fact of not keeping her promise to her brother. At the same time she's trying to teach Helen right from wrong, and that words have a meaning. She helped Helen understand that everything has a meaning, and helped enable Helen to become a functioning and successful citizen in this world.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“First of all, Annie Sullivan, in my opinion, is the true definition of a hero. She was definitely a strong woman, trying to put her past behind her, while trying to help someone who was simply bratty, and uncontrollable. She was also strong willed, and very stubborn. When Kate and Captain Keller objected to the way she was handling things, she told them off, and was very straight to the point. She truly had the heart of a hero.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Annie was going through a tough time, throughout the story, she couldn't get over the fact of not keeping her promise to her brother. At the same time she's trying to teach Helen right from wrong, and that words have a meaning. She helped Helen understand that everything has a meaning, and helped enable Helen to become a functioning and successful citizen in this world.”)

Content & Development

The writer’s use of content and development within this essay is adequate. He/she develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“First of all, Annie Sullivan, in my opinion, is the true definition of a hero. She was definitely a strong woman, trying to put her past behind her, while trying to help someone who was simply bratty, and uncontrollable. She was also strong willed, and very stubborn. When Kate and Captain Keller objected to the way she was handling things, she told them off, and was very straight to the point. She truly had the heart of a hero.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Moreover, Annie never gave up on Helen. Helen did things such as punching her teeth out, or locking her in a room, and abusing her many times. Annie did the hero like thing and stuck it out to the end. She had to go through getting mocked and ridiculed by James, and constantly went head to head with Captain Keller, and dealt with a jealous Kate Keller. Still, she completed her deal with the Keller's. She could have left after all of that, but she didn't.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Finally, the thing that made what Annie did so significant was that back in the 1880's woman did nothing but cook and clean. She stood up to men about her opinion, which shocked Captain Keller. Back in that time she would be known as a fearless woman just for sticking up for herself. Like a hero she fought for her rights as an individual, and didn't let anyone take her down. No matter what obstacles she faced, she never went down without a fight.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is exhibited within this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure, a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ A hero is someone who rescues someone from a difficult time. An hero is someone who helps you unconditionally, and doesn't give up, no matter how many obstacles they face. In the story ‘The Miracle Worker,’ the hero in the story in my opinion is Annie Sullivan. Annie was going through a tough time, throughout the story, she couldn't get over the fact of not keeping her promise to her brother. At the same time she's trying to teach Helen right from wrong, and that words have a meaning. She helped Helen understand that everything has a meaning, and helped enable Helen to become a functioning and successful citizen in this world.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Moreover, Annie never gave up on Helen. Helen did things such as punching her teeth out, or locking her in a room, and abusing her many times. …Finally, the thing that made what Annie did so significant was that back in the 1880's woman did nothing but cook and clean. …In conclusion, this is why in my opinion Annie Sullivan is the hero of ‘The Miracle Worker.’”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ In conclusion, this is why in my opinion Annie Sullivan is the hero of ‘The Miracle Worker.’ Without her hardworking, never give up attitude, Helen Keller probably wouldn't be known as the girl who was deaf and blind, who learned how to read and write. Annie came from a tough past, but she learned how to move on, and accomplish something magnificent while going through it. She was stubborn, fearless, strong, and she never gave up. She was Annie Sullivan, and she was a hero.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ A hero is someone who rescues someone from a difficult time. A hero is someone who helps you unconditionally, and doesn't give up, no matter how many obstacles they face. In the story ‘The Miracle Worker,’ the hero in the story in my opinion is Annie Sullivan. Annie was going through a tough time, throughout the story, she couldn't get over the fact of not keeping her promise to her brother. At the same time she's trying to teach Helen right from wrong, and that words have a meaning.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “hero” from the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ In conclusion, this is why in my opinion Annie Sullivan is the hero of ‘The Miracle Worker.’ Without her hardworking, never give up attitude, Helen Keller probably wouldn't be known as the girl who was deaf and blind, who learned how to read and write.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the word “bratty” is unsophisticated, while the term “things” is generic and shows vague use of language. (“ She was definitely a strong woman, trying to put her past behind her, while trying to help someone who was simply bratty, and uncontrollable. …Helen did things such as punching her teeth out, or locking her in a room, and abusing her many times. …Finally, the thing that made what Annie did so significant was that back in the 1880's woman did nothing but cook and clean.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s use of mechanics and conventions in the essay appears to be adequate. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Annie came from a tough past, but she learned how to move on, and accomplish something magnificent while going through it. She was stubborn, fearless, strong, and she never gave up. She was Annie Sullivan, and she was a hero.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The definition of a hero is not someone with super powers or someone who saves a cat from a tree. You may think they are but they are really just people doing good deeds. The real meaning of a hero is someone who had the courage to do something another person wouldn't do. Like in the book "The Receiver" Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. If jonas didn't have the courage to do that then he would have been just like all of the other people in the community. Jonas didn't want to be like everyone else in his community. He wanted to be something better and not so common. Jonas tried to make a new community by running away and making his own. He also save Gabriel from the community when he left.

Jonas got powers that he could see colors and he could also see memories. Its very important that he can see memories because he can have more knowledge about everything else. The first memory jonas got was when he went sledding down a small hill. His gift came when he was young and a baby but he got them when he was about twelve. When jonas was born he had blue eyes. not much people in his community had blue eyes like him. That was important because not much people had blue eyes in his community besides gabriel. That meant that they both had the same birth mother. He could also feel pain from the past and present. like when Jonas was experiencing the death and suffering of a young soldier on the battlefield. He also experienced it when he was sledding and broke his arm.

Jonas wanted to save Gabe and he wanted to live in a different world where you can make choices and decisions. Jonas didn't like being the same as everyone else because he thought there was no difference between them and him. Jonas and gabe ended up escaping the community and now know one knows where they are. Most people think they escaped and made a new and better community but i could really go both ways.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question shows limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Like in the book ‘The Receiver’ Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. If jonas didn't have the courage to do that then he would have been just like all of the other people in the community. Jonas didn't want to be like everyone else in his community. He wanted to be something better and not so common. Jonas tried to make a new community by running away and making his own.”)

This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Jonas got powers that he could see colors and he could also see memories. Its very important that he can see memories because he can have more knowledge about everything else. The first memory jonas got was when he went sledding down a small hill. His gift came when he was young and a baby but he got them when he was about twelve. When jonas was born he had blue eyes. not much people in his community had blue eyes like him. That was important because not much people had blue eyes in his community besides gabriel.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“The definition of a hero is not someone with super powers or someone who saves a cat from a tree. You may think they are but they are really just people doing good deeds. The real meaning of a hero is someone who had the courage to do something another person wouldn't do. Like in the book ‘The Receiver’ Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. If jonas didn't have the courage to do that then he would have been just like all of the other people in the community.”)

Content & Development

The essay is composed of limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Jonas got powers that he could see colors and he could also see memories. Its very important that he can see memories because he can have more knowledge about everything else. The first memory jonas got was when he went sledding down a small hill. His gift came when he was young and a baby but he got them when he was about twelve.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Jonas wanted to save Gabe and he wanted to live in a different world where you can make choices and decisions. Jonas didn't like being the same as everyone else because he thought there was no difference between them and him. Jonas and gabe ended up escaping the community and now know one knows where they are. Most people think they escaped and made a new and better community but i could really go both ways.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Jonas wanted to save Gabe and he wanted to live in a different world where you can make choices and decisions. Jonas didn't like being the same as everyone else because he thought there was no difference between them and him. Jonas and gabe ended up escaping the community and now know one knows where they are. Most people think they escaped and made a new and better community but i could really go both ways.”)

Organization

The essay consists of limited organization. It demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion but lacks some paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ The definition of a hero is not someone with super powers or someone who saves a cat from a tree. You may think they are but they are really just people doing good deeds. The real meaning of a hero is someone who had the courage to do something another person wouldn't do. Like in the book ‘The Receiver’ Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. If jonas didn't have the courage to do that then he would have been just like all of the other people in the community. Jonas didn't want to be like everyone else in his community. He wanted to be something better and not so common. Jonas tried to make a new community by running away and making his own. He also save Gabriel from the community when he left.”)

The first sentence of the introduction attempts to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ The definition of a hero is not someone with super powers or someone who saves a cat from a tree. You may think they are but they are really just people doing good deeds. The real meaning of a hero is someone who had the courage to do something another person wouldn't do. Like in the book ‘The Receiver’ Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. If jonas didn't have the courage to do that then he would have been just like all of the other people in the community. Jonas didn't want to be like everyone else in his community. He wanted to be something better and not so common. Jonas tried to make a new community by running away and making his own. He also save Gabriel from the community when he left.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ He also save Gabriel from the community when he left. …Jonas got powers that he could see colors and he could also see memories.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident in this brief literary essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ That meant that they both had the same birth mother. He could also feel pain from the past and present.”)

There is repetition. (“ When jonas was born he had blue eyes. not much people in his community had blue eyes like him. That was important because not much people had blue eyes in his community besides gabriel.”)

The style is not formal. (“ Like in the book ‘The Receiver’ Jonas is a hero because he ran away from the community and never came back. …Jonas got powers that he could see colors and he could also see memories.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“When jonas was born he had blue eyes. not much people in his community had blue eyes like him. That was important because not much people had blue eyes in his community besides gabriel.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my word, hero is the person who rescues people and never give up even though they have limited their life times. They have passion to be dreaming come true. If there are some obstacles to interrupt them, they keep going whatever they want to try because that is their belief. Santiago is heroic people because he seems like hero. Santiago has endured to his goal, He never gives up. This kind of characteristics is to be the hero.

You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, "he is old man so he should not fishing anymore," which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning can be inferred from the essay. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

The essay only includes few minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

Content & Development

The essay features minimal content and development in satisfying the requirements of the prompt task. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in this brief essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure, a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ In my word, hero is the person who rescues people and never give up even though they have limited their life times. They have passion to be dreaming come true. If there are some obstacles to interrupt them, they keep going whatever they want to try because that is their belief. Santiago is heroic people because he seems like hero. Santiago has endured to his goal, He never gives up. This kind of characteristics is to be the hero.”)

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ In my word, hero is the person who rescues people and never give up even though they have limited their life times.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing. when he heard some fishers said, ‘he is old man so he should not fishing anymore,’ which means normal people became older, they could not control more easily.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are prevalent in the essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Santiago has endured to his goal, He never gives up.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ This kind of characteristics is to be the hero. …You can catch who is the hero in the story.”)

There is repetition. (“ Santiago is heroic people because he seems like hero. Santiago has endured to his goal, He never gives up.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of the mechanics and conventions of the English language is minimal at best, as witnessed in the essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should, but does not, have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“You can catch who is the hero in the story. When he was alone while he goes to in the sea. He could be comeover his mind to be gives up fisihing.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay above has inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Content & Development

Content and development within the essay are inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

This essay includes inadequate or no details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is apparent to readers of the essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style within the essay are clearly inadequate. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Transitions are needed. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Changing from second person (“you”) to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“it means a lot to be a hero like beowulf and achilles were in there stories. what does it mean to be a hero? well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s use of mechanics and conventions in this brief essay is inadequate. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, sentences do not all have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“well to me to be a hero you have to be able to help the people that need your help. second you would have to be brave and cerageous”)

Evaluating Good Literature

Consider a piece of literature you have read. How successful was the author in creating a good piece of literature?

After choosing a piece of literature to analyze, in a multi-paragraph essay, discuss the success of the author in creating a good piece of literature. Use details and examples from the story for support.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

William Golding conveys a powerful message in the novel, "Lord of the Flies", regarding the natural violence of humans, and successfully illustrates this piece of literature through various elements and literary themes. Numerous examples of imagery, symbolism, and figurative language is used to paint the image of the story's setting, and elements such as suspense and foreshadowing play a major role in keeping the reader attracted to the ominous plot, where a group of boys fall from civilization and order, into primitive savagery.

William Golding weaves a generous amount of suspense and foreshadowing into the plot, keeping the reader on edge, curious to the plot's progression. In the exposition of the story, an airplane crashes on a deserted tropical island, stranding a large group of middle school and elementary school boys, without the presence of any adult. At first, the character, Ralph, becomes leader, and creates a rough structure of civilization. However, a copious amount of small events go awry over time, foreshadowing the total collapse of this 'society'. As Ralph continues to attempt to keep all children in order, another boy, Jack, begins to rally the others into becoming 'hunters', and chaos ensues. This is an example of suspense between Ralph and Jack, where the reader is kept on-edge to know Ralph's fate in the face of a savage monstrosity. Another example of foreshadowing and suspense was when Simon comes across the boar's head on a stake. The scene continues on to a disturbing conversation with a rotting boar's head speaking as a demon, or Beelzebub, the lord of flies. This is where the title comes from, and this disillusioned event foreshadows the collapse of order and provides suspense to the once- civilized boys' fates. Near the end, when Ralph is hunted by the savages, suspense is used frequently; the action progresses, keeping the plot moving forward, ensuring that the reader is turning the pages of the book.

While Ralph, who maintains order and society, symbolizes an orderly civilization, Jack, on the other hand, symbolizes the human's natural savagery. These two people are the main elements in which the story's theme is conveyed, in which savagery slowly takes hold of society in civil orders place. The boar's head on a stake, Beelzebub, is also a symbol of a devil, and the lord of the flies. It symbolizes man's internal evil and primitive violence, while portraying a grotesque physical image as well. Simon, in contrast, symbolizes the innocence and kindness of man. Therefore, when Jack and the savages kill Simon, it is a clear indication that mankind has wrought the death of their own purity, falling to the pit of despair and evil. In the end, the youthful sage, Piggy, is deliberately killed by the savages at the seaside cave; this is also a prime example of how mankind’s lack of civility destroys wisdom and sensitivity. As the final events occur, the primitive boys set the entire island on fire, destroying all nature, and hunt for the final sliver of order, Ralph. It is illustrated through these vicious, acts that the violence swallows everything, destroying all in its path eventually hunting down the last slice of civilization.

Through numerous metaphors and similes, better understanding of the setting and people is achieved, and personification and imagery also contribute to further understanding. When the boys first arrive on the island, the setting is described as humid and stuffy, with clothes clinging onto skin wetly, a bright, shining sun, and lush, green vegetation: an allusive Eden. The boys and the setting of the island is painted in a heavenly mental image; by using these vivid descriptions, the characters and setting are described thoroughly before one is aware of a hellish change in both, later in the story. In contrast, the use of imagery also conveys the intrusively negative atmosphere and thoughts of the boys. An example is when the now savage boys are eating meat in a bonfire, chanting and dancing. As the dance becomes frantic, violence begins to blossom. Simon staggers out of the forest in the dark, the violence is turned toward Simon, and he is brutally killed. Golding uses confused, unconnected words: “Kill. Pig. Beast. Eat. Kill” to create the mental image of disarray and blind fear. After the events, the tragic horror of what had actually ensued slowly sets upon the readers' minds. Golding’s engaging prose showcased the fall of civilized man into savagery.

Throughout “Lord of the Flies,” William Golding incorporates a copious amount of figurative language, symbolism, and suspense into the narrative. With these elements, Golding successfully portrays the image of the island, the symbolism behind human soul, and also creates an attractive, charismatic plot that induces the reader with curiosity. The theme, “The Fall of Man,” is meticulously drawn with descriptive language and the creation of atmosphere using figurative language. Suspense and foreshadowing contribute greatly to the plot's action, and move the plot forward in great leaps. These elements are the main factors that contributed to William Golding's success in writing "Lord of the Flies."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments within Lord of the Flies with explicit inferences and very descriptive details that support the focus of the analysis. (“In the end, the youthful sage, Piggy, is deliberately killed by the savages at the seaside cave; this is also a prime example of how mankind’s lack of civility destroys wisdom and sensitivity.”)

The response clearly focuses on William Golding’s success in creating a good piece of literature. (“Near the end, when Ralph is hunted by the savages, suspense is used frequently; the action progresses, keeping the plot moving forward, ensuring that the reader is turning the pages of the book.”) Specifically, the writer focuses on Golding’s ability to engage the readers and create a suspenseful plot.

The language of the thesis creates a foundation for the examples found later in the analysis. (“Numerous examples of imagery, symbolism, and figurative language is used to paint the image of the story's setting, and elements such as suspense and foreshadowing play a major role in keeping the reader attracted to the ominous plot, where a group of boys fall from civilization and order, into primitive savagery.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of ‘Savagery vs. Civilization’ found within the novel and throughout the analysis. (“As the dance becomes frantic, violence begins to blossom. Simon staggers out of the forest in the dark, the violence is turned toward Simon, and he is brutally killed. Golding uses confused, unconnected words: ‘Kill. Pig. Beast. Eat. Kill’ to create the mental image of disarray and blind fear.”) He/she utilizes the term diction, or word choice, to explore how the author, William Golding, successfully creates a hostile mood.

The essay highlights the importance of symbols and symbolic archetypes that are represented by specific characters within the story, which not only shape the plot of the novel, but also advance the theme of ‘Savagery vs. Civilization.’ (“While Ralph, who maintains order and society, symbolizes an orderly civilization, Jack, on the other hand, symbolizes the human's natural savagery. These two people are the main elements in which the story's theme is conveyed, in which savagery slowly takes hold of society in civil orders place.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Therefore, when Jack and the savages kill Simon, it is a clear indication that mankind has wrought the death of their own purity, falling to the pit of despair and evil.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by emphasizing how William Golding’s controlling idea in the novel relates to all of society. (“William Golding conveys a powerful message in the novel, ‘Lord of the Flies’, regarding the natural violence of humans, and successfully illustrates this piece of literature through various elements and literary themes.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively to convey a sense of flow within the analysis. (“The boys and the setting of the island is painted in a heavenly mental image; by using these vivid descriptions, the characters and setting are described thoroughly before one is aware of a marked change in both, later in the story. In contrast, the use of imagery also conveys the intrusively negative atmosphere and thoughts of the boys.”) Moreover, the writer’s effective use of transitions, such as “In contrast,” clarifies the relationship between two elements within the analysis.

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“Throughout ‘Lord of the Flies,’ William Golding incorporates a copious amount of figurative language, symbolism, and suspense into the narrative. With these elements, Golding successfully portrays the image of the island, the symbolism behind human soul, and also creates an attractive, charismatic plot that induces the reader with curiosity.”) The reflective conclusion competently considers the figurative language and themes that make Lord of the Flies a successful piece of literature.

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Lord of the Flies through the analysis of symbolic archetypes in conjunction with the novel’s overarching themes. (“…Beelzebub, is also a symbol of a devil, and the lord of the flies. It symbolizes man's internal evil and primitive violence, while portraying a grotesque physical image as well. Simon, in contrast, symbolizes the innocence and kindness of man…”) Furthermore, the author’s precise diction, or word choice, strengthens his/her analysis. For example, the writer uses negative terminology, such as “grotesque” with the word “Beelzebub,” to reinforce the evil found within Lord of the Flies .

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. (“The boys and the setting of the island is painted in a heavenly mental image; by using these vivid descriptions, the characters and setting are described thoroughly before one is aware of a hellish change in both, later in the story.”) The author effectively juxtaposes the biblical allusion of “Eden” through the word “heavenly,” and the allusion to Hell through the word “hellish,” to establish William Golding’s artful writing style.

The writer’s use of assertive phrases such as “violence swallows everything” strengthens the effectiveness of the overall message. (“It is illustrated through these vicious acts, that violence swallows everything, destroying all in its path eventually hunting down the last slice of civilization.”) The writer insightfully conveys that the phrase “violence swallows everything” is both literal and figurative, which demonstrates a through understanding of the task and text.

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“The theme, ‘The Fall of Man,’ is meticulously drawn with descriptive language and the creation of atmosphere using figurative language.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Aldous Huxley's Brave New World thoroughly exhibits a remarkable foretelling of the world's biological future involving genetic manipulation, such as cloning. He also demonstrates a deeper understanding of his characters' psyche, accurately and descriptively showing off their profound personalities through the power of plot.

Huxley had a good understanding of drug addiction, using soma in his novel (soma being a drink the members of the World State would consume to numb away their emotions) in order to demonstrate what we in the real world would call cocaine, meth, Vicodin, etc. These drugs were used to numb many people's pain, sending them to a temporary "holiday" or, as we would call it, "a high" - that does not last forever, thus proving why the dependency is so great and the use so frequent. There is a quote in Huxley's novel exhibiting dependency on soma, eerily yet marvelously similar to the dependency of our drugs today, saying, "there is always soma, delicious soma, half a gram for a half-holiday, a gram for a week-end..." (p. 55-56). Huxley had published Brave New World in 1932, and had already understood, remarkably, our underdeveloped, corrupt, addicted world today.

In the Brave New World society, physical ugliness is never an exception. youth and beauty are glorified, while senescence is immediately rejected. For example, when a woman with an ex-lover in the Brave New World comes back to love him again, although he remembers, he denies her presence as well as their past - all because of her physical aging. The man was so brainwashed, he became apathetic. This goes back to mentioning Huxley possessing a surprising understanding of our world today, for our own society believes in outer beauty more than inner beauty; it is highly glorified, and apathy is more common as many people have become materialistic and more self-centered. Huxley truly understood the shallowness of this. Sex also played a common role in the World State's whole mind - it was as frequent as it was meaningless. Huxley understood that pleasure was and is important, and that so long as we provide satisfaction to ourselves, albeit meaningless, it would supply us short-lived happiness. Sex, just like sex today - and soma, just like abused drugs today - are as reliant as the other both in Brave New World and today's society. "Hug me till you drug me, honey; Kiss me till I'm in a coma; Hug me, honey, snuggly bunny; Love's as good as soma" (p. 166). Society’s focus is hedonistic, self-indulgent excess; man rejects deeper values, such as love, for superficial fulfillment.

Not only did Huxley understand the meaningless values of people in the "World State" and in today's world, he also understood the idea of being a misfit in a conformist society. He created the characters Bernard Marx, John "The Savage", and Helmholtz, who were considered "old-fashioned", as they did not believe in the idea of cloning and conditioning the clones into being sheep, or mentally robotic. The use of soma was pure fatuity to them, and excessive sex was not spiritually satisfying. Poetry was quite emphasized in this novel, since John was the biggest misfit of them all - he was not conditioned or cloned, or even from the Brave New World. He admired Shakespeare's poetry, often quoting lines to depict his situation, such as Hamlet's soliloquy on whether to kill himself or not. John faces a similar situation in the Brave New World. Huxley perhaps had John kill himself in order to highlight the need for civilization - that even a civilized man would go mad in a dystopian society. Poetry was also perhaps mentioned frequently through the character of John, because Huxley wanted to emphasize the appreciation for beauty in words that we humans naturally have. The author demonstrates a deeper understanding of his characters' spiritual psyche, accurately and descriptively presenting their diverse personalities through the power of plot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on today’s societal corruption mirrored within the novel Brave New World. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps his/her focus throughout the response. (“Huxley had published Brave New World in 1932, and had already understood, remarkably, our underdeveloped, corrupt, addicted world today. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Sex also played a common role in the World State's whole mind - it was as frequent as it was meaningless. Huxley understood that pleasure was and is important, and that so long as we provide satisfaction to ourselves, albeit meaningless, it would supply us short-lived happiness. ”)

Throughout the essay, the response is focused on social vice. The writer reinforces his/her focus by identifying the perils of a state that conforms to immoralities. ( “Not only did Huxley understand the meaningless values of people in the ‘World State’ and in today's world, he also understood the idea of being a misfit in a conformist society.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses specific and accurate details found within Brave New World to link all aspects found in his/her analysis. For instance, the writer mentions the World State’s obsession with frivolity, which relates to the theme of moral corruption within the story; this includes specific information about the propaganda found within the text. (“’Hug me till you drug me, honey; Kiss me till I'm in a coma; Hug me, honey, snuggly bunny; Love's as good as soma’ (p. 166). Society’s focus is hedonistic, self-indulgent excess; man rejects deeper values, such as love, for superficial fulfillment.”)

The essay includes references to indirect characterization and actions of characters to support the theme of the analysis. (“Huxley perhaps had John kill himself in order to highlight the need for civilization - that even a civilized man would go mad in a dystopian society. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the central theme, which is social corruption. (“…youth and beauty are glorified…This goes back to mentioning Huxley possessing a surprising understanding of our world today, for our own society believes in outer beauty more than inner beauty; it is highly glorified, and apathy is more common as many people have become materialistic and more self-centered”) Moreover, within the analysis, the writer deftly makes a connection between the text and today’s society.

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. The writer uses a thought-provoking declarative statement to assert his/her argument. (“Aldous Huxley's Brave New World thoroughly exhibits a remarkable foretelling of the world's biological future involving genetic manipulation, such as cloning. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“For example, when a woman with an ex-lover in the Brave New World comes back to love him again, although he remembers, he denies her presence as well as their past - all because of her physical aging. ”) The writer’s use of effective transitions creates a logical, coherent whole.

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The author demonstrates a deeper understanding of his characters' spiritual psyche, accurately and descriptively presenting their diverse personalities through the power of plot. ”) While the writer effectively wraps up the essay, he/she could strengthen the response by using a projective conclusion. A projective conclusion may address the negative results of an unresolved social issue, such as moral corruption, mentioned frequently within the analysis.

Language Use & Style

The writer makes appropriate and sophisticated word choices, which strengthen the analytical tone. (“He created the characters Bernard Marx, John ‘The Savage’, and Helmholtz, who were considered ‘old-fashioned’, as they did not believe in the idea of cloning and conditioning the clones into being sheep, or mentally robotic. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice that is full of insight within the response and that is reflected through the use of appositive phrases. (“Huxley understood that pleasure was and is important, and that so long as we provide satisfaction to ourselves, albeit meaningless, it would supply us short-lived happiness.”) Moreover, the use of appositive phrases within the response lends itself to a more conversational, and therefore accessible, tone.

The writer skillfully uses and clarifies terminology found within the text to enhance the audience’s understanding of the theme topic of moral corruption. (“These drugs were used to numb many people's pain, sending them to a temporary ‘holiday’ or, as we would call it, ‘a high’ - that does not last forever, thus proving why the dependency is so great and the use so frequent. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“He admired Shakespeare's poetry, often quoting lines to depict his situation, such as Hamlet's soliloquy on whether to kill himself or not.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever felt like it was hard to find the tone of a story? Well, there are many different ways to do so, like using diction, using syntax, and using imagery. In the short story, The Pedestrian, it tells how a man loves walking, whispering, and enjoying the things around him; while others stay inside playing with the newest technology. Ray Bradbury creates a successful piece of literature, because he writes about a character who struggles with a dead town by showing a lonely tone.

The author uses many examples to show this tone, by using colloquial diction, the writer says, "To put your feet upon that buckling concrete walk, to step over grassy seams and make your way" (Bradbury 47). This quote definitely makes the story sound lonely already by using colloquial diction. Buckling. It makes it sound creepy along with lonely. To show another example of the lonely tone, he uses abstract diction when he says, "Sudden gray phantoms seemed to manifest upon inner room walls" (Bradbury 47). When the author uses the word "phantom," you know it couldn't really be a happy tone because "phantom" means a ghost or an illusion.

The author begins to use rhetorical question syntax to show the tone in his story. When he says, "'Hello, in there,' he whispered to every house on every side as he moved. 'What's up tonight on Channel 4, Channel 7, Channel 9?'" (Bradbury 49). It makes the character seem lonely because he's talking to the people like they can really hear him. Ray Bradbury also uses a form of parallelism when he says, "'what are you doing out?' 'Walking,' said Leonard Mead. 'Walking!' 'Just walking,' he said simply, but his face felt cold. 'Yes, sir.' 'Walking where? For what?'" (Bradbury 50). This is a peculiar type of syntax is effective, because it mimic’s Mr. Mead; they keep talking about Mr. Mead walking and questioning it because he walks like this every night.

Imagery was another item that is used to find tone. For example, Bradbury uses symbol imagery when he says, "He would stand upon the corner of an intersection and peer down long moonlit avenues of sidewalk in four directions, deciding which way to go, but it really made no difference; he was alone in this world of A.D. 2053" (Bradbury 47). This quote even explains that he is alone, because he's probably the only one in the future who is not staying inside all day with technology. To express the lonely tone, Bradbury uses a simile type of imagery and says, ‘The Street was silent and long and empty, with only his shadow moving like the shadow of a hawk in mid country’ (Bradbury 49). It shows how quiet and lonely it is, because he's the only one out in the evening, and no one even noticed.

As said once before, finding tone probably isn't the easiest thing ever, but it can be done in different ways. Imagery, syntax, and diction for The Pedestrian show the lonely tone by looking at the examples shown before. Once the tone is found for a story, it can then lead to the theme and why the author wrote something like this. Sometimes it makes it go deeper and deeper into the story and figure more things out. For the big world, it would mean to enjoy nature and other things around us, not just all the newest technology, making this piece of literature a success.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer evaluates Ray Bradbury’s story, “The Pedestrian,” and provides adequate details so the readers can understand what makes this piece of literature so successful. (“Ray Bradbury creates a successful piece of literature, because he writes about a character who struggles with a dead town by showing a lonely tone.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer generally unifies his/her essay by commenting on the way that Ray Bradbury expresses his attitude through the use of tone. (“Once the tone is found for a story, it can then lead to the theme and why the author wrote something like this. Sometimes it makes it go deeper and deeper into the story and figure more things out. For the big world, it would mean to enjoy nature and other things around us, not just all the newest technology, making this piece of literature a success.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the analysis of imagery, syntax, and diction to reinforce the overall focus on the author’s use of tone in the story. (“To express the lonely tone, Bradbury uses a simile type of imagery and says, ‘The Street was silent and long and empty, with only his shadow moving like the shadow of a hawk in mid country’ (Bradbury 49). It shows how quiet and lonely it is, because he's the only one out in the evening, and no one even noticed.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Ray Bradbury also uses a form of parallelism when he says, 'what are you doing out?' 'Walking,' said Leonard Mead. 'Walking!' 'Just walking,' he said simply, but his face felt cold. 'Yes, sir.' 'Walking where? For what?' (Bradbury 50). This is a peculiar type of syntax is effective, because it mimic’s Mr. Mead; they keep talking about Mr. Mead walking and questioning it because he walks like this every night.”) The writer focuses on Ray Bradbury’s syntax and style to develop the audience’s understanding of the plot and character.

The essay includes quotations by the main character from “The Pedestrian” to support the central idea that Ray Bradbury’s use of tone makes the piece of literature a success. (“To show another example of the lonely tone, he uses abstract diction when he says, ‘Sudden gray phantoms seemed to manifest upon inner room walls’ (Bradbury 47). When the author uses the word ‘phantom,’ you know it couldn't really be a happy tone because ‘phantom’ means a ghost or an illusion.”)

The writer identifies figurative language, such as similes within the text, to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“To express the lonely tone, Bradbury uses a simile type of imagery and says, ‘The Street was silent and long and empty, with only his shadow moving like the shadow of a hawk in mid country’ (Bradbury 49). It shows how quiet and lonely it is, because he's the only one out in the evening, and no one even noticed.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a logical order, some transitional devices, and a noticeable introduction and conclusion.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction by asking an engaging question, thereby creating a conversational tone. (“Have you ever felt like it was hard to find the tone of a story? ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“Once the tone is found for a story, it can then lead to the theme and why the author wrote something like this. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The essay provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“This quote definitely makes the story sound lonely already by using colloquial diction. Buckling. ”)

The writer establishes and attempts to maintain a formal voice and objective tone throughout the analysis. (“Ray Bradbury writes about his struggles with a dead town in his story by showing a lonely tone. ”) The response could be strengthened with more precise and sophisticated language.

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“The author begins to use rhetorical question syntax to show the tone in his story. ”) The writer’s use of figurative language terminology lends complexity to the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and chosen words are spelled correctly. (“It makes it sound creepy along with lonely. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A piece of literature i have read in which is a good piece of literature is "The Great Gatsby". This novel was well written by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This story was detailed with scandal, love and fatal events, in which catches the readers attention.

My first reason i would consider this a good piece of literature is because the way the author created this romantic love connection. Not only is this love shared a scandal but Fitzgerald goes through extremes to explain this love being re-kindled. This is a quote of the love explained throughout he story " His heart beat faster at Daisy's white face came up to his own....at his lips touch she blossomed..." (Fitzgerald 134). " It excited him, too the many men had already loved Daisy" (Fitzgerald149) this increased Gatsby value for her even more.

Also the scandal cathces the attention of the reader . An example of this is where Daisy tells Gatsby she doesn't even know why she even married Tom. " The only crazy i was when i married him. I knew right away i made a mistake" (Fitzgerald 39). Their are other examples of scandal in which makes this novel a good piece of literature. For example Jordan's golf incident. " At her first big golf tournament..."(Fitzgerald 57) this was suggesting that she had moved her golf ball. Although scandal is told throughout the novel the main scanal is the one betwen Gatsby and Daisy. This novel shows that Gatsby won't give up on Daisy even though everyone basically already know's they are having an affair. This is an example where Tom is aware of Tom and Daisy's affair " I think he realizes that thaty his presumptious little flirtationship is over" (Fiztgerald 135-136).

The last thing that makes this a good piece of literature is the fatal events. For example when Myrtle is killed by being hit by Gatsby's car. The plot twist is it was really Daisy driving Gatsby's car. Gatsby takes the blame for Daisy because he loves her. This creates intensity for the reader making them want to read more.

Overall "The Great Gatsby" is an example of a novel that is a good piece of literature. Fizgerald does a good job creating suspense and a romantic story. Although fatal events occur Fitzgerald manages to keep the reader's attention, making his novel an overall good piece of literature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“A piece of literature i have read in which is a good piece of literature is ‘The Great Gatsby’.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By utilizing quotations about how the “author created this romantic love connection” between characters, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“This is a quote of the love explained throughout he story ‘ His heart beat faster at Daisy's white face came up to his own....at his lips touch she blossomed...’ (Fitzgerald 134).”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the text and the task, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Also the scandal cathces the attention of the reader . An example of this is where Daisy tells Gatsby she doesn't even know why she even married Tom. ‘The only crazy i was when i married him. I knew right away i made a mistake’ (Fitzgerald 39).”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Their are other examples of scandal in which makes this novel a good piece of literature. For example Jordan's golf incident. ‘ At her first big golf tournament...’(Fitzgerald 57) this was suggesting that she had moved her golf ball.”) However, the writer’s failure to elaborate on the importance of the provided details renders the response inadequate.

The writer attempts to illustrate how the theme topic of scandal interests the readers in the novel The Great Gatsby , but the writer does not develop and analyze the details thoroughly, leaving the readers confused. (“This novel shows that Gatsby won't give up on Daisy even though everyone basically already know's they are having an affair. This is an example where Tom is aware of Tom and Daisy's affair ‘ I think he realizes that thaty his presumptious little flirtationship is over’ (Fiztgerald 135-136).”)

Too many quotes within the essay draw attention to the lack of original material in the response. (“This is a quote of the love explained throughout he story’ His heart beat faster at Daisy's white face came up to his own....at his lips touch she blossomed...’ (Fitzgerald 134). ‘ It excited him, too the many men had already loved Daisy’ (Fitzgerald149) this increased Gatsby value for her even more.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but the essay lacks effective paragraphing, and transitional devices are used in a very limited way.

The writer directly addresses the prompt task in the introduction. (“A piece of literature i have read in which is a good piece of literature is ‘The Great Gatsby’.”) However, he/she could strengthen the introduction by catching the readers’ attention with an interesting quotation, or with an engaging question related to the topic.

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“For example Jordan's golf incident.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to restate the central or controlling idea. It does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“Although fatal events occur Fitzgerald manages to keep the reader's attention, making his novel an overall good piece of literature.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are fragments in the essay. (“For example Jordan's golf incident.”)

Although the writer manages to give support about the success of The Great Gatsby by noting F. Scott Fitzgerald’s portrayal of the “romantic love connection” in the book, the writer does not maintain enough focus on the topic, important characters, or events in the story for readers to relate to the subject. (“This novel shows that Gatsby won't give up on Daisy even though everyone basically already know's they are having an affair.”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“Although scandal is told throughout the novel the main scanal is the one betwen Gatsby and Daisy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with line breaks, and chosen words are spelled correctly. Additionally, the writer should check the Word Bank of Commonly Confused Words. (“Their are other examples of scandal in which makes this novel a good piece of literature.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ok so there was this piece of literature that i just got done from reading and it was totally cool. I mean the author used very great detail he used great examples for the topic and he even used language for both audience such as adults teens and kids. So im going to tell you how it was. In the piece of literature that i just read the author uses great details in his meanings.

His literature is very clear the author is very clear on his topic. The piece of literature was very long and boring but he used good creating skills.

He was very successful in his writing and i respect him for that. I feel as if the author made the book, the once and future king, out of a real life story and mabey he did because it is very good. The author made/wrote it so easy that its like picking up a pencil. So as i told you the author uses great detail and uses meaning to his words and is very good at writing. So this is why i think the author was successful in creating a good piece of literature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer does consider what makes a successful piece of literature. However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“The author made/wrote it so easy that its like picking up a pencil.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas as to why The Once and Future King was a successful piece of literature. (“So as i told you the author uses great detail and uses meaning to his words and is very good at writing.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain why The Once and Future King was a successful piece of literature. (“The piece of literature was very long and boring but he used good creating skills. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event when discussing the text but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“So im going to tell you how it was. In the piece of literature that i just read the author uses great details in his meanings.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I feel as if the author made the book, the once and future king, out of a real life story and mabey he did because it is very good.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“His literature is very clear the author is very clear on his topic.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Ok so there was this piece of literature that i just got done from reading and it was totally cool.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“His literature is very clear the author is very clear on his topic. The piece of literature was very long and boring but he used good creating skills.”)

Although the writer attempts to bring the essay to a close, the response does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“So this is why i think the author was successful in creating a good piece of literature.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“I mean the author used very great detail he used great examples for the topic and he even used language for both audience such as adults teens and kids. ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“So im going to tell you how it was. ”)

The repetition of the word “so” in the essay portrays informality in the writing. (“So as i told you the author uses great detail and uses meaning to his words and is very good at writing. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the correct spelling of chosen words is checked. (“I feel as if the author made the book, the once and future king, out of a real life story and mabey he did because it is very good.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have u you evr considered what makes good literature ? Recently , my language arts class has been tryin to uncover an answer to this questin and , to be truthful , it is rather furstrting. A good pice of literature is The Outsiders by S.E Hinton. its a good pice of literature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Recently , my language arts class has been tryin to uncover an answer to this questin and , to be truthful , it is rather furstrting.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“A good pice of literature is The Outsiders by S.E Hinton. its a good pice of literature.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and it uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the task, but he/she does not reveal the subject of the writing until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“its a good pice of literature.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“its a good pice of literature.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“A good pice of literature is The Outsiders by S.E Hinton.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“Have u you evr considered what makes good literature ? ”)

T ransitional devices are infrequently used to help connect ideas. (“Recently , my language arts class has been tryin to uncover an answer to this questin and , to be truthful , it is rather furstrting. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“its a good pice of literature. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s vague wording contributes overall to a lackluster response. (“its a good pice of literature. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“Recently , my language arts class has been tryin to uncover an answer to this questin and , to be truthful , it is rather furstrting.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“Have u you evr considered what makes good literature ?”) The writer’s use of text-speak (“u”) within the essay reflects immaturity in writing skills.

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the correct spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Have u you evr considered what makes good literature ?”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Evolution of a Main Character

Consider a piece of literature you have read. How does the main character change from the beginning of the story to the end? What do you think causes this change?

After choosing a piece of literature, in a multi-paragraph essay, analyze the changes in the main character from the beginning to the end of the story. Use details and examples from the story for support.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"But what is one to do?" "The Yellow Wallpaper" written in 1892 by Charlotte Perkins Gilman describes an unknown narrator suffering from post-partum psychosis who is forced to endure the "rest cure.’’ Gilman wrote "The Yellow Wallpaper" to show what she experienced during Dr. Silas Weir Mitchell's rest cure and to save other women from the inhumane medical practice. The narrator of this story begins with post-partum depression, and eventually descends into schizophrenia.

The narrator is going to a mansion because her husband, John, is a psychiatrist and is giving her the rest cure. When the narrator first arrives at the colonial mansion she will be staying at she describes it as beautiful, but it seems very strange and suspicious at the same time: "It is quite alone, standing well back from the road, quite three miles from the village" (2). When the narrator first describes John her husband, he seems to be very caring yet chauvinistic: "He is very careful and loving and hardly ever lets me stir without special direction" (2). Soon, the narrator starts to describe what the rest cure is and why it aggravates her to be forbidden to do her "work": "So I take phosphates or phosphites - whichever it is, and tonics, and journeys, and air, and exercise, and am absolutely forbidden to 'work' until I am well again" (1). She also describes the paper she is writing on as dead, and says that is the only reason she can reveal all of this information. As the story continues, the narrator artfully describes the grotesque wallpaper that makes the house seem haunted: "It is dull enough to confuse the eye in following, pronounced enough to constantly irritate and provoke study, and when you follow the lame uncertain curves for a little distance they suddenly commit suicide-plunge off at outrageous angles, destroy themselves in unheard of contradictions” (3). The narrator is obviously becoming more and more mentally ill, but tells herself, with relief, that her condition is not very bad.

The narrator transitions into a very delusional state and changes topics very often. She is developing more signs of mental illness. Very soon it becomes apparent that the narrator is, in fact, suffering from post-partum depression: "It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous" (8). The wallpaper and the isolation are pushing the narrator closer to the edge. Also, John's attitude is changing significantly. He is leaving the mansion more often for greater amounts of time for his "special cases." The narrator in turn, starts hiding secrets from John and his sister Jennie. The narrator keeps her writing a secret, along with her true emotions and her actual state of mental health. John and Jennie believe the narrator is getting better, but her mind is slowly deteriorating as she becomes increasingly schizophrenic: "I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time" (6). The narrator is slowly growing more fond of the wallpaper, and as her affection increases, so does her hysteria: "I'm getting really fond of the room in spite of the wall-paper. Perhaps because of the wall-paper. It dwells in my mind so!" (7). As the narrator's schizophrenia reveals itself, her sense of reality is fading. She now thinks that the wallpaper is beneficial instead of malevolent, and does not realize that she is becoming hysterical. Even though her condition is worsening, John and Jennie believe that she is getting better over time. She also describes the wallpaper as having suicidal characteristics, which may have something to do with a "woman" trying to escape from the wallpaper.

As the story continues, the narrator is showing more affection for the wallpaper and is projecting her personality onto the wallpaper. Eventually her "work" becomes tearing down the wallpaper. The more the narrator describes the room, the more it seems like it was used to restrain people suffering from insanity: "It was a nursery first and then a playroom and gymnasium, I should judge; for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the wall" (3). The more the narrator looks at the wallpaper, the more strange the story gets. The narrator stares at the wallpaper for hours at a time, especially at night, for she sleeps during the day. The narrator starts to get obsess over the wallpaper, and the grotesques just add on to her delusions: "They get through, and then the pattern strangles them off and turns them upside down and makes their eyes white!" (13). The narrator is shifting from depression into psychosis as she develops olfactory hallucinations: "A yellow smell" (12). The narrator is becoming more schizophrenic and starts to project her own identity onto the wallpaper. She also starts to tear down the paper so she cannot be forced "back in." Completely psychotic, the narrator forgets about her own identity, gives up her finally announced name, Jane, and takes on a new identity that is the wallpaper itself. She has been completely driven off "the edge" and is obsessed with creeping around her room. She locks herself in the room and keeps creeping nonstop, even when John faints right in her path.

This compelling, shocking short story about a woman who underwent a terrible "cure" ended up changing Dr. Mitchell's cure and his beliefs after he read the narrative. The poor woman in the story started off with post-partum depression, and was then forced into a situation that worsened her case, which drove her completely mad, without any chance of her salvaging her old self. Charlotte Perkins Gilman changed the world with "The Yellow Wallpaper," and shifted literature that defended women's rights. She was a true hero, and even though she went through so much suffering, she created a legacy that has lasted over one hundred years. "'I've got out at last,' said I, 'in spite of you and Jane.'"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This model essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the short story, “The Yellow Wallpaper,” and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. (“The narrator transitions into a very delusional state and changes topics very often. She is developing more signs of mental illness. Very soon it becomes apparent that the narrator is, in fact, suffering from post-partum depression: ‘It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous’ (8). The wallpaper and the isolation are pushing the narrator closer to the edge. Also, John's attitude is changing significantly. He is leaving the mansion more often for greater amounts of time for his ‘special cases.’ The narrator in turn, starts hiding secrets from John and his sister Jennie. The narrator keeps her writing a secret, along with her true emotions and her actual state of mental health. John and Jennie believe the narrator is getting better, but her mind is slowly deteriorating as she becomes increasingly schizophrenic: ‘I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time’ (6).”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ This compelling, shocking short story about a woman who underwent a terrible ‘cure’ ended up changing Dr. Mitchell's cure and his beliefs after he read the narrative. The poor woman in the story started off with post-partum depression, and was then forced into a situation that worsened her case, which drove her completely mad, without any chance of her salvaging her old self.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about how the main character evolves throughout the short story. (“ The narrator is becoming more schizophrenic and starts to project her own identity onto the wallpaper. She also starts to tear down the paper so she cannot be forced ‘back in.’ Completely psychotic, the narrator forgets about her own identity, gives up her finally announced name, Jane, and takes on a new identity that is the wallpaper itself. She has been completely driven off ‘the edge’ and is obsessed with creeping around her room. She locks herself in the room and keeps creeping nonstop, even when John faints right in her path.”)

Content & Development

This essay is comprised of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from “The Yellow Wallpaper.”

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The narrator transitions into a very delusional state and changes topics very often. She is developing more signs of mental illness. Very soon it becomes apparent that the narrator is, in fact, suffering from post-partum depression: ‘It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous’ (8). The wallpaper and the isolation are pushing the narrator closer to the edge. Also, John's attitude is changing significantly. He is leaving the mansion more often for greater amounts of time for his ‘special cases.’”)

Details regarding specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue are also included. (“As the story continues, the narrator is showing more affection for the wallpaper and is projecting her personality onto the wallpaper. Eventually her ‘work’ becomes tearing down the wallpaper. The more the narrator describes the room, the more it seems like it was used to restrain people suffering from insanity: ‘It was a nursery first and then a playroom and gymnasium, I should judge; for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the wall’ (3). The more the narrator looks at the wallpaper, the more strange the story gets. The narrator stares at the wallpaper for hours at a time, especially at night, for she sleeps during the day. The narrator starts to get obsess over the wallpaper, and the grotesques just add on to her delusions: ‘They get through, and then the pattern strangles them off and turns them upside down and makes their eyes white!’ (13).”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The narrator transitions into a very delusional state and changes topics very often. She is developing more signs of mental illness. Very soon it becomes apparent that the narrator is, in fact, suffering from post-partum depression: ‘It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous’ (8). The wallpaper and the isolation are pushing the narrator closer to the edge. Also, John's attitude is changing significantly. He is leaving the mansion more often for greater amounts of time for his ‘special cases.’ The narrator in turn, starts hiding secrets from John and his sister Jennie. The narrator keeps her writing a secret, along with her true emotions and her actual state of mental health. John and Jennie believe the narrator is getting better, but her mind is slowly deteriorating as she becomes increasingly schizophrenic: ‘I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time’ (6).”)

Organization

Very effective organization is apparent within this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ ‘But what is one to do?’ ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’ written in 1892 by Charlotte Perkins Gilman describes an unknown narrator suffering from post-partum psychosis who is forced to endure the ‘rest cure.’ Gilman wrote ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’ to show what she experienced during Dr. Silas Weir Mitchell's rest cure and to save other women from the inhumane medical practice. The narrator of this story begins with post-partum depression, and eventually descends into schizophrenia.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As the story continues, the narrator is showing more affection for the wallpaper and is projecting her personality onto the wallpaper. Eventually her ‘work’ becomes tearing down the wallpaper.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ This compelling, shocking short story about a woman who underwent a terrible ‘cure’ ended up changing Dr. Mitchell's cure and his beliefs after he read the narrative. The poor woman in the story started off with post-partum depression, and was then forced into a situation that worsened her case, which drove her completely mad, without any chance of her salvaging her old self. Charlotte Perkins Gilman changed the world with ‘The Yellow Wallpaper,’ and shifted literature that defended women's rights. She was a true hero, and even though she went through so much suffering, she created a legacy that has lasted over one hundred years. ‘I've got out at last,' said I, 'in spite of you and Jane.’”)

Language Use & Style

The essay conveys very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ As the narrator's schizophrenia reveals itself, her sense of reality is fading. She now thinks that the wallpaper is beneficial instead of malevolent, and does not realize that she is becoming hysterical. Even though her condition is worsening, John and Jennie believe that she is getting better over time. She also describes the wallpaper as having suicidal characteristics, which may have something to do with a ‘woman’ trying to escape from the wallpaper.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ The narrator transitions into a very delusional state and changes topics very often. She is developing more signs of mental illness. Very soon it becomes apparent that the narrator is, in fact, suffering from post-partum depression: ‘It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous’ (8). The wallpaper and the isolation are pushing the narrator closer to the edge. Also, John's attitude is changing significantly. He is leaving the mansion more often for greater amounts of time for his ‘special cases.’ The narrator in turn, starts hiding secrets from John and his sister Jennie. …As the story continues, the narrator is showing more affection for the wallpaper and is projecting her personality onto the wallpaper. Eventually her ‘work’ becomes tearing down the wallpaper. The more the narrator describes the room, the more it seems like it was used to restrain people suffering from insanity: ‘It was a nursery first and then a playroom and gymnasium, I should judge; for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the wall’ (3). The more the narrator looks at the wallpaper, the more strange the story gets. The narrator stares at the wallpaper for hours at a time, especially at night, for she sleeps during the day.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ She was a true hero, and even though she went through so much suffering, she created a legacy that has lasted over one hundred years.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are detected. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The more the narrator looks at the wallpaper, the more strange the story gets. The narrator stares at the wallpaper for hours at a time, especially at night, for she sleeps during the day.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

After the African Americans were freed from slavery, many still felt enslaved to their former owners. They were still somewhat treated as slaves so they still acted as slaves. They eventually had to learn to become their own person. In the book, The Color Purple by Alice Walker, the main character Celie, must learn to become an independant person after being abused by her father as a child. She starts out timid and obediant to her new husband, but eventually develops into a strong and independant woman as the story goes on.

Celie begins the story as a young woman who was forced into a loveless marriage to care for her spouse's bratty children, and although she is afraid, she remains timid and submissive to her demanding husband. For example, on their wedding day, the oldest child, Harpo, is angry about receiving a new mom so he "picks up a rock and laid [her] head open" ( Walker , 12). Harpo was so frustrated with the arrangement, he took his anger out on Celie by hurting her and instead of punishing his boy, Celie's new spouse didn't even acknowledge the incident. Celie must have been angry but she was too timid or afraid to say anything to Harpo or his father. In addition, Celie was also submissive in the beginning because her husband beat her all the time and when asked why, he simply said it was because "she was his wife and she was stubborn" ( Walker , 22). Celie was so submissive that she allowed her husband to beat her without any explanation or reason. Celie constantly supressed her feelings and remained submissive to her awful husband. To conclude, Celie was constantly afraid but submissive to her horrible husband and his nasty children even though she was unhappy.

Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she "don't need nothing else right now" ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just "sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes" (Walker, 272). After such a long time of suffering because of him, she is able to be with him comfortably which proves how much she's grown. Celie shows her growth by being around her former husband and being happy and comfortable with a man she used to hate. To conclude, Celie's growth is shown when she moves out of her old house and develops into a strong and independant woman.

Celie begins the story being constantly afraid and submissive to her husband but learns that she can be happy and strong by herself. By becoming her own person, she overcomes the struggles in her life. Celie's story is similar to many African Americans who had to learn how to be independant after slavery. Many faced the same ups and down as she did. Her challenges in becoming her own woman were also shared by many other woman of her time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are seen in this model essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the novel, The Color Purple , and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ Celie begins the story as a young woman who was forced into a loveless marriage to care for her spouse's bratty children and although she is afraid, she remains timid and submissive to her demanding husband. For example, on their wedding day, the oldest child, Harpo, is angry about receiving a new mom so he ‘picks up a rock and laid [her] head open’ ( Walker , 12). Harpo was so frustrated with the arrangement, he took his anger out on Celie by hurting her and instead of punishing his boy, Celie's new spouse didn't even acknowledge the incident. Celie must have been angry but she was too timid or afraid to say anything to Harpo or his father. …Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just ‘sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes’ ( Walker , 272). After such a long time of suffering because of him, she is able to be with him comfortably which proves how much she's grown.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ She starts out timid and obediant to her new husband, but eventually develops into a strong and independant woman as the story goes on.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Celie’s personal evolution. (“ Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just ‘sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes’ (Walker, 272).”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from The Color Purple .

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just ‘sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes’ ( Walker , 272). After such a long time of suffering because of him, she is able to be with him comfortably which proves how much she's grown.”)

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Celie begins the story as a young woman who was forced into a loveless marriage to care for her spouse's bratty children and although she is afraid, she remains timid and submissive to her demanding husband. For example, on their wedding day, the oldest child, Harpo, is angry about receiving a new mom so he ‘picks up a rock and laid [her] head open’ ( Walker , 12). Harpo was so frustrated with the arrangement, he took his anger out on Celie by hurting her and instead of punishing his boy, Celie's new spouse didn't even acknowledge the incident. Celie must have been angry but she was too timid or afraid to say anything to Harpo or his father. In addition, Celie was also submissive in the beginning because her husband beat her all the time and when asked why, he simply said it was because ‘she was his wife and she was stubborn’ ( Walker , 22).”)

Specific information about the main character’s evolution is developed clearly. (“Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just ‘sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes’ ( Walker , 272). After such a long time of suffering because of him, she is able to be with him comfortably which proves how much she's grown. Celie shows her growth by being around her former husband and being happy and comfortable with a man she used to hate. To conclude, Celie's growth is shown when she moves out of her old house and develops into a strong and independant woman.”)

Organization

The essay in question features good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, as well as consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ After the African Americans were freed from slavery, many still felt enslaved to their former owners. They were still somewhat treated as slaves so they still acted as slaves. They eventually had to learn to become their own person. In the book, The Color Purple by Alice Walker, the main character Celie, must learn to become an independant person after being abused by her father as a child. She starts out timid and obediant to her new husband, but eventually develops into a strong and independant woman as the story goes on.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146).”)

The conclusion effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is or was happening in the world—in this case, slavery. (“ Celie begins the story being constantly afraid and submissive to her husband but learns that she can be happy and strong by herself. By becoming her own person, she overcomes the struggles in her life. Celie's story is similar to many African Americans who had to learn how to be independant after slavery. Many faced the same ups and down as she did. Her challenges in becoming her own woman were also shared by many other woman of her time.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language, voice, and style is prevalent throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are seen.

The language and tone are consistent throughout. (“ Celie was so submissive that she allowed her husband to beat her without any explanation or reason. Celie constantly supressed her feelings and remained submissive to her awful husband. To conclude, Celie was constantly afraid but submissive to her horrible husband and his nasty children even though she was unhappy.”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Celie begins the story as a young woman who was forced into a loveless marriage to care for her spouse's bratty children and although she is afraid, she remains timid and submissive to her demanding husband. For example, on their wedding day, the oldest child, Harpo, is angry about receiving a new mom so he ‘picks up a rock and laid [her] head open’ ( Walker , 12). Harpo was so frustrated with the arrangement, he took his anger out on Celie by hurting her and instead of punishing his boy, Celie's new spouse didn't even acknowledge the incident. Celie must have been angry but she was too timid or afraid to say anything to Harpo or his father. In addition, Celie was also submissive in the beginning because her husband beat her all the time and when asked why, he simply said it was because ‘she was his wife and she was stubborn’ ( Walker , 22). …Towards the end of the story, however, Celie realizes she doesn't have to be so timid and begins to become a strong woman. For instance, she finally moves out of her house with a friend and is so independant, she claims she ‘don't need nothing else right now’ ( Walker , 146). She is so happy and content with her life she simply doesn’t need anything else. After years of suffering with her spouse, Celie finally begins to make her own decisions and is happy with her life. Furthermore, after years of being away from her husband she finally goes back and proves her strength by being able to just ‘sit with him, sewing and talking and smoking pipes’ ( Walker , 272). After such a long time of suffering because of him, she is able to be with him comfortably which proves how much she's grown.”)

The following compound-complex sentence is used effectively: “ Celie begins the story as a young woman who was forced into a loveless marriage to care for her spouse's bratty children, and although she is afraid, she remains timid and submissive to her demanding husband.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any that are present do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Celie begins the story being constantly afraid and submissive to her husband but learns that she can be happy and strong by herself. By becoming her own person, she overcomes the struggles in her life. Celie's story is similar to many African Americans who had to learn how to be independant after slavery.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One who makes bad choices and doesn't know right from wrong can always change if they realize what they did was wrong. In the story "Thank You M'am" by Langston Hughes, Roger, a boy out in the streets knowing nothing that's right meets Mrs. Jones, a strong woman with a kind heart. At the start of the story, Roger is a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, by the end of the story he changes into a young man who will now make good choices in his life, all because of Mrs. Luella Bates Washington Jones.

When one first meets Roger at the beginning of the story, he is a young man who has no guidance in doing things. "It was about eleven o'clock at night, dark, and she was walking alone, when a boy ran up behind her and tried to snatch her purse.” page 123. Roger has no role model, no one is there to help give him guidance, and love that he needs, that's why he did that. Without guidance Roger goes out and does things without thinking twice, because he thinks it is right. If it wasn't for Mrs. Jones Roger would of probably been in jail by now.

By the end of the story, Roger has learned that stealing is not an option. “Well, you didn't have to snatch my pocket-book to get some suede shoes." page 125. After he heard her say that and got ten dollars from her, he knew from then stealing is not the right thing to do. Now Roger wont be out stealing things in order to buy the suede shoes he wants.

Roger changed from a reckless child to a sharp young man because of Mrs. Jones and her kindness. "You ought to be my son I would teach you from right to wrong. Least I can do right now is to wash your face." page 124. He's never received kindness like this. Maybe he changed because of the kindness he got, he felt loved and maybe felt he needed to change because of that. The fact of Roger changing is good, so now he would grow up into a wise person.

Roger starts out as a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, but then he changes into a young man who will make good choices all because of Mrs. Jones. The signifigance of people changing is to become a better person. Its important for people to learn from their mistakes so they won't do it again and probably won't ruin their life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the short story, "Thank You M'am," and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Roger changed from a reckless child to a sharp young man because of Mrs. Jones and her kindness. ‘You ought to be my son I would teach you from right to wrong. Least I can do right now is to wash your face.’ page 124. He's never received kindness like this. Maybe he changed because of the kindness he got, he felt loved and maybe felt he needed to change because of that. The fact of Roger changing is good, so now he would grow up into a wise person.”)

The essay adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“By the end of the story, Roger has learned that stealing is not an option. ‘Well, you didn't have to snatch my pocket-book to get some suede shoes.’ page 125. After he heard her say that and got ten dollars from her, he knew from then stealing is not the right thing to do. Now Roger wont be out stealing things in order to buy the suede shoes he wants.”)

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ At the start of the story, Roger is a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, by the end of the story he changes into a young man who will now make good choices in his life, all because of Mrs. Luella Bates Washington Jones.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are provided in this essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Roger changed from a reckless child to a sharp young man because of Mrs. Jones and her kindness. ‘You ought to be my son I would teach you from right to wrong. Least I can do right now is to wash your face.’ page 124. He's never received kindness like this. Maybe he changed because of the kindness he got, he felt loved and maybe felt he needed to change because of that. The fact of Roger changing is good, so now he would grow up into a wise person.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“When one first meets Roger at the beginning of the story, he is a young man who has no guidance in doing things. ‘It was about eleven o'clock at night, dark, and she was walking alone, when a boy ran up behind her and tried to snatch her purse.’ page 123. Roger has no role model, no one is there to help give him guidance, and love that he needs, that's why he did that. Without guidance Roger goes out and does things without thinking twice, because he thinks it is right. If it wasn't for Mrs. Jones Roger would of probably been in jail by now.”)

The main ideas of each body paragraph support the thesis. (“ When one first meets Roger at the beginning of the story, he is a young man who has no guidance in doing things. …By the end of the story, Roger has learned that stealing is not an option. …Roger changed from a reckless child to a sharp young man because of Mrs. Jones and her kindness.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is evident when reading this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, yet inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ At the start of the story, Roger is a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, by the end of the story he changes into a young man who will now make good choices in his life, all because of Mrs. Luella Bates Washington Jones.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ At the start of the story, Roger is a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, by the end of the story he changes into a young man who will now make good choices in his life, all because of Mrs. Luella Bates Washington Jones. …By the end of the story, Roger has learned that stealing is not an option.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson. (“ Roger starts out as a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, but then he changes into a young man who will make good choices all because of Mrs. Jones. The signifigance of people changing is to become a better person. Its important for people to learn from their mistakes so they won't do it again and probably won't ruin their life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits adequate use of language and style. Appropriate language and word choice are demonstrated, as is an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is generally used.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ When one first meets Roger at the beginning of the story, he is a young man who has no guidance in doing things. …He's never received kindness like this. …Roger starts out as a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, but then he changes into a young man who will make good choices all because of Mrs. Jones.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “change” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ One who makes bad choices and doesn't know right from wrong can always change if they realize what they did was wrong.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as the adjective “clueless” near the end of the essay: “ Roger starts out as a young man who is clueless about what's right and what's wrong, but then he changes into a young man who will make good choices all because of Mrs. Jones.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences in the essay have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ One who makes bad choices and doesn't know right from wrong can always change if they realize what they did was wrong. …Roger changed from a reckless child to a sharp young man because of Mrs. Jones and her kindness.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The main charector ofThe Last Olympian is Perseus Jackson, Percy for short. Percy is Poeisdon's only Demi-god child who still lives. Percy goes to camp half-blood in the summer for training and has saved the world from a civil war between the gods and delayed the Titian lord Kronos.

In the begining of the book percy is waiting for his sign for his mission to blow up the ship The Princess Andromida with his freind Bekendorf. But the mission goes bad and Bekendorf is captured and Percy has a minor fight with Kronos. Percy gets a cut in the arm from kronos's syth and he finds out how powerful kronos is. To complete the mission Bekendorf tells Percy to jump into the ocean and Bekendorf sacrifices him self. I Feel Percy becomes more mature because of Bekendorfs death. After Percy meets the god side of his family and finds that they dont respect him as much as his father does and becomes slightly angry with them he returns to camp to give them the news.

When Percy walks out of the water on to the beach the lookouts tell everyone that he has arived and he tells them what happened and starts to feel much worse about Bekendorf. After the camp eats dinner a war consile in held and Percy is given the Great Proficy and becomes even more distresed. After hear the proficy Percy and Nico go to the under world and Percy takes on the Curse of Achillies and becomes immune to combat damage except to his achilies spot witch is the small of his back. After he takes on the curse and returns to camp he takes every one into New York City to defend Olympius form kronos and when they get there he finds that every mortal is alseep. This angers Percy very much.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed in the essay. It establishes only a basic analysis of the novel, The Last Olympian , and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay illustrates a limited understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ To complete the mission Bekendorf tells Percy to jump into the ocean and Bekendorf sacrifices him self. I Feel Percy becomes more mature because of Bekendorfs death. After Percy meets the god side of his family and finds that they dont respect him as much as his father does and becomes slightly angry with them he returns to camp to give them the news.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“The main charector ofThe Last Olympian is Perseus Jackson, Percy for short. Percy is Poeisdon's only Demi-god child who still lives. Percy goes to camp half-blood in the summer for training and has saved the world from a civil war between the gods and delayed the Titian lord Kronos.”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“The main charector ofThe Last Olympian is Perseus Jackson, Percy for short. Percy is Poeisdon's only Demi-god child who still lives. Percy goes to camp half-blood in the summer for training and has saved the world from a civil war between the gods and delayed the Titian lord Kronos.”)

Content & Development

This essay is comprised of limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently and uses little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ When Percy walks out of the water on to the beach the lookouts tell everyone that he has arived and he tells them what happened and starts to feel much worse about Bekendorf. After the camp eats dinner a war consile in held and Percy is given the Great Proficy and becomes even more distresed. After hear the proficy Percy and Nico go to the under world and Percy takes on the Curse of Achillies and becomes immune to combat damage except to his achilies spot witch is the small of his back.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ In the begining of the book percy is waiting for his sign for his mission to blow up the ship The Princess Andromida with his freind Bekendorf. But the mission goes bad and Bekendorf is captured and Percy has a minor fight with Kronos. Percy gets a cut in the arm from kronos's syth and he finds out how powerful kronos is. To complete the mission Bekendorf tells Percy to jump into the ocean and Bekendorf sacrifices him self.”)

The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“ To complete the mission Bekendorf tells Percy to jump into the ocean and Bekendorf sacrifices him self. I Feel Percy becomes more mature because of Bekendorfs death. After Percy meets the god side of his family and finds that they dont respect him as much as his father does and becomes slightly angry with them he returns to camp to give them the news.”)

Organization

Readers will find that limited organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and furthermore, it lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ The main charector ofThe Last Olympian is Perseus Jackson, Percy for short. Percy is Poeisdon's only Demi-god child who still lives. Percy goes to camp half-blood in the summer for training and has saved the world from a civil war between the gods and delayed the Titian lord Kronos.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ In the begining of the book percy is waiting for his sign for his mission to blow up the ship The Princess Andromida with his freind Bekendorf. But the mission goes bad and Bekendorf is captured and Percy has a minor fight with Kronos.”)

The essay does not demonstrate evidence of a strong conclusion. (“ When Percy walks out of the water on to the beach the lookouts tell everyone that he has arived and he tells them what happened and starts to feel much worse about Bekendorf. After the camp eats dinner a war consile in held and Percy is given the Great Proficy and becomes even more distresed. After hear the proficy Percy and Nico go to the under world and Percy takes on the Curse of Achillies and becomes immune to combat damage except to his achilies spot witch is the small of his back. After he takes on the curse and returns to camp he takes every one into New York City to defend Olympius form kronos and when they get there he finds that every mortal is alseep. This angers Percy very much.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident to readers of this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ This angers Percy very much.”)

The essay uses the same word to begin two consecutive sentences in the introductory paragraph: “ Percy is Poeisdon's only Demi-god child who still lives. Percy goes to camp half-blood in the summer for training and has saved the world from a civil war between the gods and delayed the Titian lord Kronos.”

Changing from first person to third person (as the essay demonstrates in one section) would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ I Feel Percy becomes more mature because of Bekendorfs death.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s control of mechanics and conventions is quite limited. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence in the essay should, but does not, have a subject and a verb, begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ When Percy walks out of the water on to the beach the lookouts tell everyone that he has arived and he tells them what happened and starts to feel much worse about Bekendorf. After the camp eats dinner a war consile in held and Percy is given the Great Proficy and becomes even more distresed. After hear the proficy Percy and Nico go to the under world and Percy takes on the Curse of Achillies and becomes immune to combat damage except to his achilies spot witch is the small of his back.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

There is alot of contraversity in the book Jane Eyre. Jane the main cahracter goes through alot of changes through out the book. She has a firey side and a cold side. She is hardly shown any love in the begging.

She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted.

She evantually found her a job for a estate owned by Mr. Rochester. She ended up showing a firey side by falling in love with Mr.rochester. She hide her emotions for him which was really cold. Eventually she tells him how she feels when they got into an argument.

She shows her cold side when she leaves him. The cold part is she leaves in the middle of the night. Without saying goodbye or anything. She roamed around for days.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning demonstrated in this essay. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the novel, Jane Eyre , and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The response does not focus completely on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted. …She evantually found her a job for a estate owned by Mr. Rochester. She ended up showing a firey side by falling in love with Mr.rochester. She hide her emotions for him which was really cold. Eventually she tells him how she feels when they got into an argument.”)

The essay only includes minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“She evantually found her a job for a estate owned by Mr. Rochester. She ended up showing a firey side by falling in love with Mr.rochester. She hide her emotions for him which was really cold. Eventually she tells him how she feels when they got into an argument.”)

Content & Development

The writer uses minimal content and development of ideas. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted. …She evantually found her a job for a estate owned by Mr. Rochester. She ended up showing a firey side by falling in love with Mr.rochester. She hide her emotions for him which was really cold. Eventually she tells him how she feels when they got into an argument.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ There is alot of contraversity in the book Jane Eyre. Jane the main cahracter goes through alot of changes through out the book. She has a firey side and a cold side. She is hardly shown any love in the begging.”)

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“ There is alot of contraversity in the book Jane Eyre. Jane the main cahracter goes through alot of changes through out the book. She has a firey side and a cold side. She is hardly shown any love in the begging.”)

The conclusion does little to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ She shows her cold side when she leaves him. The cold part is she leaves in the middle of the night. Without saying goodbye or anything. She roamed around for days.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is minimal at best. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are present.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ She was very firey when she lived with her aunt. They were always getting into arguments. Her aunt treated her bad. Therefore she showed her the same respect which could also be cold hearted.”)

The same group of words is used to begin several consecutive sentences in the essay. (“ She evantually found her a job for a estate owned by Mr. Rochester. She ended up showing a firey side by falling in love with Mr.rochester. She hide her emotions for him which was really cold.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ She shows her cold side when she leaves him. The cold part is she leaves in the middle of the night. Without saying goodbye or anything. She roamed around for days.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay exhibits minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence in the essay does not, but should, have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ The cold part is she leaves in the middle of the night. Without saying goodbye or anything. She roamed around for days.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

The essay does not state the central or controlling idea. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

Content & Development

This brief one-paragraph essay consists of inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

This essay includes inadequate or no details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

Organization

This essay shows inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and there is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent in this essay. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Joe was a very nice person that he was. one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral.”)

Exact words are missing. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you.”)

There is repetition. (“In the story Joe was a kind man who help people out with money or needs someone to talk to you. Joe was a very nice person that he was.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows inadequate or no control of the mechanics and conventions of formal academic writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence in the essay does not, but should, have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ one day he wander what it would be like to have a funeral. so he took out his life insares and went to the moge and told them the plan and he did the funeral. and at the end he went back the way he was.”)

Fahrenheit 451

The character Montag changes throughout the course of Ray Bradbury's novel, Fahrenheit 451 . In a well-developed essay, analyze how Montag changes in the novel. Who was Montag at the beginning of the novel? How did his beliefs and actions change by the end? Be sure to discuss the ways in which other main and subordinate characters influenced his transformation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout the novel, Montag changed some or even all of his beliefs. At the beginning, he thought like every other fireman. "It was a pleasure to burn. It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. With the brass nozzle in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning..." Montag liked to burn. It was simple as that. It was entertaining for him. The fire and seeing the things that the fire "cleaned" was exciting. It brought upon a rush that he only felt when he was burning. He was also proud of his work. "He hung up his black beetle-colored helmet and shined it; he hung his flameproof jacket neatly..." Montag liked what he was doing and he hadn't felt any regret at all.

He felt like this partly or mostly due to the government, the people around him, and especially because of Captain Beatty. He is always telling Montag that people need to be happy and have fun. Captain Beatty tells Montag constantly that books provide unhappiness and it is their job to get rid of that unhappiness. "...Official censors, judges, and executors. That's you, Montag, and that's me." When Beatty said stuff like this, Montag believed him. "...Did you hear Beatty? Did you listen to him? He knows all the answers. He's right. Happiness is important. Fun is everything..." Everybody in their society is alike, and that's what they want.

One problem, in every society, is that they have "odd ducks," like Clarisse, for instance. On their first meeting, Clarisse talked about the dew on the grass in the morning, about how firemen used to put out fires instead of start them, and how their world has changed. At the end of their conversation, Clarisse asked Montag the simplest question in the world, "Are you happy?" Of course Montag's immediate response was that he is happy. What else would he say in a society where everybody is happy? But, nonetheless, the question bothered him. Deep down he knew he was unhappy. It is only a matter of time before he showed it.

One of the reasons Montag was unhappy is because of his relationship with his wife, Mildred. They have stayed with each other for ten years just to be together. It seemed like they rarely talked to each other and when they did, they sounded tense and awkward. They could not even remember when they met or where. And over the years, they grew apart. Montag and Mildred were almost complete strangers before Mildred turned her back on Montag. The two didn't seem to care about each other at all.

One of the main events that changed Montag is the old lady. The woman committed suicide right in front of him. She lit a match and let it drop on the kerosene under and beside her feet that the firemen sprayed all over her house and her precious books. The thing that bothered Montag the most was not that the lady committed suicide, but the fact that none of the firemen tried to help her. They just let her do it. Montag thought that this was cruel and wrong. He thought, at that moment and forever more, that his job was wrong. But one of the things that he got out of this whole mess is curiosity. He wondered what was so important about books that the lady killed herself for them.

The one person that answered his question is an old man that he met at a park a year ago. The man's name is Faber. He tells Montag that books have quality. "This book has pores. It has features. This book can go under the microscope. You'd find life under the glass...The more pores, the more truthfully recorded details of life per square inch you can get on a sheet of paper...That's my definition, anyway. Telling detail. Fresh detail." Faber tells Montag that the magic of the books is in the words that they say. Not the books themselves. They hold knowledge and have depth to them.

Montag finally cracked when he killed Beatty with liquid fire. Beatty insulted him by saying that books are useless and that they are traitors. When he said this, it felt like he was aiming those remarks at Montag. Montag could not take it anymore. He killed Beatty and ran to Faber's house. On his way to his destination, Montag planted books into a fireman's house and called the fire department to turn in an alarm on the poor guy's unsuspecting family. When Montag finally got to Faber's house after finishing his little deed, Faber gave him instructions to go to the river and follow the railroad tracks until he came upon hobo camps. He told him that he will be safe there. Faber also told Montag that the hobo camps are filled with professors, scientists, authors, and any other people that like to think for themselves instead of letting the government do it for them.

When he found the camps, he met a man named Granger who said that their main job is to remember the things that society has forgotten. Especially books. Most of Granger's friends remembered one book that they hoped would find its way back into society. Montag became to be known as the Book of Ecclesiastes. He also became part of a plan that was supposed to restore things to the society. It was also supposed to make the world a better place. A world where there were no nuclear wars and where people were not controlled by the government. A genuinely happy world.

Many people influenced Montag. Even things influenced him. Books played a big part in Montag's life. But nothing really controlled him. Montag chose the choices that he made. He alone was responsible for his actions. The only part of him that anything influenced were his beliefs. Before, Montag believed in everything that he was supposed to believe in. After, he believed in things that he thought were right to believe in. Overall, Montag changed tremendously throughout the novel and became a person that could change his society for the better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a very effective, engaging, and consistent focus. The author clearly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes an in-depth analysis of the development of the character of Guy Montag, while addressing the major and/or peripheral characters that influenced him. (“Clarisse asked Montag the simplest question in the world, "Are you happy?" Of course Montag's immediate response was that he is happy. What else would he say in a society where everybody is happy? But, nonetheless, the question bothered him. Deep down he knew he was unhappy. It is only a matter of time before he showed it.”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed by using a wide variety of specific and effective evidence and textual references. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to make connections between the book’s characters and setting, and then he/she uses those connections to explain the change in the protagonist’s beliefs. (“One of the main events that changed Montag is the old lady. The woman committed suicide right in front of him. She lit a match and let it drop on the kerosene under and beside her feet that the firemen sprayed all over her house and her precious books. The thing that bothered Montag the most was not that the lady committed suicide, but the fact that none of the firemen tried to help her. They just let her do it. Montag thought that this was cruel and wrong. He thought, at that moment and forever more, that his job was wrong.”)

Organization

In this essay, the change in Guy Montag, and the influence of several key characters, is effectively established in the opening paragraph (“ Throughout the novel, Montag changed some or even all of his beliefs. At the beginning, he thought like every other fireman. "It was a pleasure to burn. It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. With the brass nozzle in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning..." Montag liked to burn. It was simple as that. It was entertaining for him.”) and supported by a cohesive, unified structure and strong conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are sound, and the structure of the essay is cohesive throughout.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and effective. (“One problem, in every society, is that they have "odd ducks," like Clarisse, for instance. On their first meeting, Clarisse talked about the dew on the grass in the morning, about how firemen used to put out fires instead of start them, and how their world has changed. At the end of their conversation, Clarisse asked Montag the simplest question in the world, "Are you happy?”) The author emphasizes the changes in Montag in a diverse and descriptive manner, and he/she chooses words that imaginatively engage the reader. The author’s voice remains well-defined and engaging, and he/she establishes a strong sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer exhibits effective control over conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. (“Before, Montag believed in everything that he was supposed to believe in. After, he believed in things that he thought were right to believe in.”) Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. These errors do not interfere with communication of the writer’s argument.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In, Fahrenheit 451, Montag goes through many changes. His believes, ideas, and opinions transform into new ways of living his life. Montag couldn't make these changes by himself, though. He was influenced by the people in his life. For example, Clarrisse talked to Montag and made him think in new ways, Faber told him the value of books in their society. Beatty tells him the society is better of without books. Montag is also influenced by the old woman that was burnt in he house. It made his believes on being fireman reform into thoughts he could not leave behind.

In the beginning of the story, Montag loved being a fireman. He loved to see the roaring flames slowly burn the houses to ashes. He loved his job, until he, met a teenager named Clarrisse, who made him think about his actions. She was a bit unusual to Montag, but she asked him questions that made him outraged. She asked him if he was happy. "Of course I'm happy," Montag thought to himself . Why would someone ask such a silly question one would ask, but it definetely made Montag think about the question. He came home to find that Mildred took an overdose on sleeping pills again. Two men in white came to fix her up. The next day, the fireman got a call to about an old woman with books in her house. When the fireman were burning down her house, she refused to leave and she was burnt with her books. This made Montag realize that being a fireman was not a fun and joyful as it used to be. He stole a copy of the bible from her house, because she thought it might be very valuable. Now, Montag was starting to think about reading books, but he was still a bit unsure.

After this insident, Montag did not want to go to work. Then, Beatty came over to his house and disscused with Montag the society they lived in and how it was better of without books. When he left, Montag showed the book to Mildred and she was outraged. Montag read the book though, and he loved it. He loved it so much, that he read many books every day. The Hound was catching on to his hidden stash books, that he was sure Beatty knew too. He went to go visit his friend Faber, to ask him what books really ment because all the information he had read went into to one ear and out the other. Faber told him books have great quality and value and should not be dissreguarded. Then, one day, Montag got a call to burn down his own house. He went and there were the fireman, their hoses and all. He came to find Mildred ran away, and he would probably never see her again. Montag didn't care anymore, he was like he transformed into a mad man. Then, as Beatty was burning his house, Montag burnt Beatty and he died. Montag knew that he had to hide and he ended up living with hobos out in the country. In the ending, after practicaly being hunted down, the whole society decided it might be okay to read books. So, because of Montag's changes, the society that once nothing but fire and death, turned out to be a society were people were free to have great knowledge.

Montag's believes and thoughts definetely change. He goes from a fierce fireman who loved to burn, to a intelligent man who had given his society new things to look forward to. Montag is definetely reconised as he wasn't in the beginning. so, Montag's belives weren't the only ones that changed, but everyone in his society appreciated books just as he did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong connection between the progression of Guy Montag and the society and other characters’ influence on him. (“When the fireman were burning down her house, she refused to leave and she was burnt with her books. This made Montag realize that being a fireman was not a fun and joyful as it used to be. He stole a copy of the bible from her house, because she thought it might be very valuable. Now, Montag was starting to think about reading books, but he was still a bit unsure.”) The writer also uses direct quotations from the text to support the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative and descriptive. Ideas are clearly introduced using specific, accurate evidence and detailed quotes. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to create a strong overall connection between the characters influence on the protagonist and his overall change. (“Montag didn't care anymore, he was like he transformed into a mad man. Then, as Beatty was burning his house, Montag burnt Beatty and he died. Montag knew that he had to hide and he ended up living with hobos out in the country. In the ending, after practicaly being hunted down, the whole society decided it might be okay to read books. So, because of Montag's changes, the society that once nothing but fire and death, turned out to be a society were people were free to have great knowledge.”)

Organization

In this essay, the development of Guy Montag and the factors that influence him are clearly defined. The essay has a cohesive, unified structure that is evidenced by a well-developed opening paragraph and conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. ( “He stole a copy of the bible from her house, because she thought it might be very valuable. Now, Montag was starting to think about reading books, but he was still a bit unsure…After this insident, Montag did not want to go to work. Then, Beatty came over to his house and disscused with Montag the society they lived in.”) The structure of the essay remains cohesive throughout its duration.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The author analyzes Guy Montag’s progression and influences in a clever manner, and he/she chooses words that strongly hold the reader’s interest. (“In the beginning of the story, Montag loved being a fireman. He loved to see the roaring flames slowly burn the houses to ashes. He loved his job.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“It made his believes on being fireman reform into thoughts he could not leave behind.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Montag is the main character in the novel Fahrenheit 451, who at the beginning of the story works in a fire department, where usually the firefighters are who worry about get rid off the fire that is burning something, such as a house, cars, forest and important buildings for us. In this case Montag is a fire maker, who instead of get rid off the fire, he provokes it and makes it by burning books because in his society is not allowed to people to read books so he has to destroy all the books that exist. Montag such as the story shows, he change his personality because of the influence of some people, even though he does not want to.

The change of character in Montag is guided by the fire chief because he was one of the main people who want to get rid off all the books and who never allow anybody to read any book. As Montag's participation in the book proceeds, he found out that books make people think and realize life, this action involves Montag little by little and which later brings to him big problems with the fire chief. The fire chief as he works with Montag, he found out that montag's house is full of books, and for this Montag has to be punished, after that Montag is decided to leave the city and run away if he doesn't want to be killed.

Reading books for Montag was an action that brought to him trouble and off course shows his change of personality because of his actions and a lot of part from the fire chief.

Montag's wife is another person who was involved in Montag's change of behave because no matter what he does, she should help him on everything so they can succeed together, but in this case she didn't help him and make him change by trying to do something different such as read books, this make his wife against him and think that his husband can be crazy or sick. Later such as Montag keeps on reading books his wife decides to leave him alone and don't try to solve this issue, Montags with no help from anybody has the only option which is to leave and try to survive by himself.

The last influence that make Montag change is the environment that surrounded him, this make him change because nobody was allowed to read. This make Montag think and start to read what other wrote, this helped Montag realize about life and that humans can imagine whatever they want.

Clear is that environment, such as the people who surrounded Montag were important elements that make him change his personality and pushed him to not be different from them, which off course didn't like to Montag and make him different from all the people that surrounded him and which at the end push him to leave the place where he used to leave and look for a better future for him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The author maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. (“The change of character in Montag is guided by the fire chief because he was one of the main people who want to get rid off all the books and who never allow anybody to read any book.”) The writer also establi shes an analysis of Guy Montag’s changes, while touching on the ways in which principal characters influence him. The writer also demonstrates a use of quotations from the text to support the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced using some specific, accurate evidence and textual references. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to adequately develop an analysis of the characters’ influence on the protagonist and his overall change in beliefs. (“Montag's wife is another person who was involved in Montag's change of behave because no matter what he does, she should help him on everything so they can succeed together, but in this case she didn't help him.”)

Organization

In this essay, the gradual change in the protagonist’s beliefs and the influence of the principal characters are identified in the opening paragraph. These elements are supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent. (“This make Montag think and start to read what other wrote, this helped Montag realize about life and that humans can imagine whatever they want…Clear is that environment, such as the people who surrounded Montag were important elements that make him change his personality and pushed him to not be different from them.”) The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive; it features an introduction, conclusion, and minimal use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains adequate and appropriate. The author analyzes the changes in Guy Montag, and how other characters have influenced him, in a general fashion. (“Montag such as the story shows, he change his personality because of the influence of some people, even though he does not want to.”) The writer chooses words that generally hold the reader’s interest .

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control of conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract from communication of the writer’s message. (“This make Montag think and start to read what other wrote, this helped Montag realize about life and that humans can imagine whatever they want.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the movie "Fahrenheit 451" the main character is a man named Montag. Montag has a wife who's name is Linda, she lives in a world that is made up of fantasies. Linda is nothing like the character Clarissa, because Clarissa is full of life. The character that inverted Montag's life is Clarissa with her intellectual self. Through the movie we see that Montag is not happy with his life and that his society is very different to the society I live on. we mat Montag as a smart man that knows what he want but but, what we find out later is that he's actually very obtuse.

Montag's profession is to burn books and to put their owners in jail he's also a Fireman as they called it. In my society a Fire man is a fire fighter that fights against fire to rescue other lives.but that changes right after he meets Clarissa. Montag was confused and started to change when Clarissa asked him (do you ever read any of the books you burn) that's when Montag started to see hoe her life seemed so much more contented and how his life is much more happier. Although he feels attracted to Clarissa he does not attempt to do anything with her because he's already married with Linda who is stuck watching TV all day and drinking pills and is at the border of death because she has already tried to commit suicide.Montag is the type of a man who is well known for his good work and for having a beautiful wife, they don't know him by the way he's personality or by the way he looks at things. His wife doesn't seem to care deeply about him because all she cares is for her TV whom she calls her family. Linda spends the day by staying home, watching TV, she is also drinking pills that are supposed to be good for her, what she doesn't know is that in reality they are bad for her. Montag and his wife don't have a real marriage.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does attempt to connect the changes of and influences on Guy Montag, but the connections are vague. (“In my society a Fire man is a fire fighter that fights against fire to rescue other lives.but that changes right after he meets Clarissa. Montag was confused and started to change when Clarissa asked him (do you ever read any of the books you burn) that's when Montag started to see hoe her life seemed so much more contented and how his life is much more happier.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. The author’s descriptions are somewhat vague and brief, and he/she introduces ideas using little specific or accurate evidence. The author’s use of quotations from the text is brief, and the quotes that he/she chooses make unclear connections with the main idea of the essay. (“ Although he feels attracted to Clarissa he does not attempt to do anything with her because he's already married with Linda who is stuck watching TV all day and drinking pills and is at the border of death because she has already tried to commit suicide”) The writer does make an overall attempt to analyze the protagonist’s influences and subsequent changes, but the comparisons are limited.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding the growth and change in Guy Montag, and how it was influenced, is present but limited. The overall descriptive support within the introduction, body, and conclusion is lacking. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent, and the author’s arguments remain either brief, uncertain, or conflicting. (“Through the movie we see that Montag is not happy with his life and that his society is very different to the society I live on. we mat Montag as a smart man that knows what he want but but, what we find out later is that he's actually very obtuse.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language remains simple and limited. (“Montag is the type of a man who is well known for his good work and for having a beautiful wife, they don't know him by the way he's personality or by the way he looks at things.”) The author analyzes the protagonist, and his key influences, in a basic manner, using generic, non-descriptive words. The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message (“that's when Montag started to see hoe her life seemed so much more contented and how his life is much more happier.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the beginning of this story their was this man name Montag he was a firefighter that use to burn all this books. At first it was like if he liked burning them, but after a wile he started caring for them books little by little, them books he burned every day. And then at last he liked them books so much that he even use to take them with out their permission. He use to try to hide the books somewhere on him and he never bid get cot. I think that he got really close to the books that probably he loved them books more than his wife.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay. (“I think that he got really close to the books that probably he loved them books more than his wife.”) The writer makes almost no attempt to analyze the character of Guy Montag or what inspired his change in beliefs. The writer also uses minimal quotations or references to the text throughout the written piece.

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. (“At the beginning of this story their was this man name Montag he was a firefighter that use to burn all this books.”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The use of direct quotations is brief, and the author struggles to connect them with the main idea of the essay. Any connections of the changes in the protagonist’s character to the textual elements that influenced them are vague at best.

Organization

In this essay, any information on the influences on the protagonist and his overall growth is minimal. Descriptions are lacking and incomplete. (“ he liked them books so much that he even use to take them with out their permission.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. The author does attempt to analyze the changes of and influences on the protagonist, but he/she does so in a minimal fashion, using non-descriptive language. The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, while committing basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage. (“he liked them books so much that he even use to take them with out their permission. He use to try to hide the books somewhere on him and he never bid get cot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“but after a wile he started caring for them books little by little, them books he burned every day. And then at last he liked them books so much that he even use to take them with out their permission.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Montag changes because Ray Bradbury's behavior and about the books. I think the main reason was because he hade books and he didn't wanted to burn them. At the begging they look very good like the best couple. They use to just talk and see tv and they just would be on the room. She was nice with him they would just talk about what was going on tv.

She would just act like the best wife for Ray Brandbury's.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning. (“Montag changes because Ray Bradbury's behavior and about the books.”) The author fails to establish any type of focus in regards to answering the prompt. There is no comparison or analysis of the protagonist and the principal characters. The writer uses no reference material or quotations from the text to create any kind of argument.

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequately developed content. Descriptions of Guy Montag and connections to other characters remain brief, unclear, and are developed in a way that does not fully address the prompt . Ideas are introduced using little to no specific or accurate evidence. (“ She would just act like the best wife for Ray Brandbury's.”) Any reference to the text fails to connect with the main idea of the essay.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding Guy Montag and his major influences is not developed. (“ They use to just talk and see tv and they just would be on the room. She was nice with him they would just talk about what was going on tv.”) There is no structure present to support the argument. The author does not provide a visible introduction or conclusion. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are non-existent.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner. The author demonstrates no awareness of an audience and no use of voice. There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice in this short response. (“Ray Bradbury's behavior and about the books. I think the main reason was because he hade books and he didn't wanted to burn them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control of conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“At the begging they look very good like the best couple.”) Significant errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message.

Foreshadowing in Macbeth

When you think back to the opening scene or chapter of some literary works, you realize that incidents or events that occurred early on became more important the farther along you read. The technique the writer uses to achieve this is called foreshadowing, which means hinting or suggesting outcomes early in the work without giving away the whole story. The real importance of the first scene might not be revealed until much later, perhaps not until the very end. Macbeth is a play that uses foreshadowing in such a way to suggest to the reader (or viewer) the conflicts yet to come.

Write an essay in which you analyze the opening scene of Macbeth . Explain the incidents or events and how they take on more meaning or significance later in the play. Be sure to tell at what point the true importance of the opening scene becomes clear to the reader (or viewer).

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches." Thus begins Macbeth , one of the many great plays written by William Shakespeare. In any great piece of literature, the beginning (or the first scene) is almost always the most significant and influential part of the story. Besides, without the beginning, where would the climax and the ending be placed? The start of a great adventure or tragedy often foreshadows the final outcome or the resolution. These hints (the foreshadowing) often have no significance to the viewer or reader when they are initially presented. Instead, they gain more importance as the story progresses. The first scene of Macbeth , which is short in actual length, is dripping with foreshadowing of events that will take place throughout the rest of the play.

In the first scene of Macbeth , almost every peculiar line is an instance of foreshadowing in the play. These predictions started even before any character entered the stage. The scene starts off with thunder and lightning. To the viewers today, this would be a simple stage effect. However, the Elizabethan viewers would interpret this as the anger of God and his will brought to Earth as lightning to a character in the play. They see this and know that God is not pleased with someone sooner or later in the story. In addition, to audiences of any time period, the presence of thunder and lightning signifies an ominous conclusion. Eventually, three witches enter. To an Elizabethan audience, this would be simply too much for them because this would suggest that something very malicious is about to happen to someone in the play. The viewers of the period recognize witches as instruments of evil, and they also believed in witchcraft. The scientific revolution had not begun yet; therefore, they thought that witches could actually perform magic and cast spells on people.

As the scene moves along, one of the witches says, "When the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won." Thus, the duality begins. On the surface, the witch is telling the other two they will meet again after the immediate battle that is offstage. In a deeper perspective, however, this line also signifies Macbeth’s losing battle of his good conscience with his darker, more evil side. At first, we see Macbeth as a hero, a man of good conscience and valor, executing a traitor on a battlefield, slowly, and elegantly such as a sculptor would. As the play progresses, with the help of the witches' evil influences, his veiled thoughts begin to show in his personality more apparently. At first, he fights to keep the evil thoughts from taking over just before he goes to kill Duncan . However, even though he is repentant of the deed, his good conscience flows slowly down the drain until he is indifferent to his beloved wife's death, and he ruthlessly kills Young Seward.

After that line, another witch says, "That will be ere the set of sun." This line also has duality in it. The immediate meaning of the line is that the battle will end before sunset, but it also extends beyond that. The second meaning of the line is that there will be a resolution of the events in the play before the curtain falls. After that, all three witches say the famous line, "Fair is foul, foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air." This last line also contains the last duality of the scene. One of the significances of the line shows how things are going to happen throughout the play, inverted and murky. On the flip side, the first half of the line tells how and why things play out for Macbeth.

Furthermore, "fair is foul" tells the audience that Macbeth's fortune will go from good to bad and bad to worst, and Macbeth's turn from good and valorous at the start to evil and immoral in the end. Then, "foul is fair" reveals the intention of the witches, which is the destruction of Macbeth. The destruction of Macbeth is foul for Macbeth, but it is fair for the witches. Macbeth’s realization of his destruction only comes about right before the English and Scottish army attack him. At that point, he realizes that he had everything in the beginning of this conflict, and now he has nothing. He has lost his castle, his credentials, his fame, his friends, and the most devastating of all, his wife. There are many predictions in the first scene; nonetheless, there is no excess of foreshadowing: it is the perfect balance.

The first scene of Macbeth is a very short scene, but it is also an important scene of the play. The viewer or reader will understand that the first scene has more significance when they reach points in the play where the foreshadowing becomes a reality to the characters. For example, the audience will most likely notice that when Macbeth is saying the line, "So foul and fair day I have not seen," that the witches have already said something similar in the first scene. Another example is when the play has concluded, the audience realizes that Macbeth has turned from good to evil at the end. The first scene of Macbeth is the epitome of foreshadowing in both the beginning of this literary masterpiece, and more importantly, on a more universal level.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. In particular, this essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The start of a great adventure or tragedy often foreshadows the final outcome or the resolution….The first scene of Macbeth , which is short in actual length, is dripping with foreshadowing of events that will take place throughout the rest of the play.”) This essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“One of the significances of the line shows how things are going to happen throughout the play, inverted and murky. On the flip side, the first half of the line tells how and why things play out for Macbeth.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ In the first scene of Macbeth , almost every peculiar line is an instance of foreshadowing in the play. These predictions started even before any character entered the stage.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully, using a wide variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay very effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., foreshadowing). (“The start of a great adventure or tragedy often foreshadows the final outcome or the resolution. These hints (the foreshadowing) often have no significance to the viewer or reader when they are initially presented. Instead, they gain more importance as the story progresses.”) The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The scene starts off with thunder and lightning. To the viewers today, this would be a simple stage effect. However, the Elizabethan viewers would interpret this as the anger of God and his will brought to Earth as lightning to a character in the play.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Furthermore, ‘fair is foul’ tells the audience that Macbeth's fortune will go from good to bad and bad to worst, and Macbeth's turn from good and valorous at the start to evil and immoral in the end. Then, ‘foul is fair’ reveals the intention of the witches, which is the destruction of Macbeth.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. Specifically, the introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a profound quotation. (“ ‘Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches.’ Thus begins Macbeth , one of the many great plays written by William Shakespeare.”) The introduction ends with a very effective thesis statement. (“ The first scene of Macbeth , which is short in actual length, is dripping with foreshadowing of events that will take place throughout the rest of the play.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ The first scene of Macbeth is a very short scene, but it is also an important scene of the play. The viewer or reader will understand that the first scene has more significance when they reach points in the play where the foreshadowing becomes a reality to the characters….The first scene of Macbeth is the epitome of foreshadowing in both the beginning of this literary masterpiece, and more importantly, on a more universal level.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of both language and style. The writer demonstrates precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. In particular, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ The viewer or reader will understand that the first scene has more significance when they reach points in the play where the foreshadowing becomes a reality to the characters.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ As the scene moves along, one of the witches says, ‘When the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won.’ Thus, the duality begins. On the surface, the witch is telling the other two they will meet again after the immediate battle that is offstage. In a deeper perspective, however, this line also signifies Macbeth’s losing battle of his good conscience with his darker, more evil side.”) Compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ The viewers of the period recognize witches as instruments of evil, and they also believed in witchcraft. The scientific revolution had not begun yet; therefore, they thought that witches could actually perform magic and cast spells on people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling within the essay. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“The destruction of Macbeth is foul for Macbeth, but it is fair for the witches. Macbeth’s realization of his destruction only comes about right before the English and Scottish army attack him. At that point, he realizes that he had everything in the beginning of this conflict, and now he has nothing. He has lost his castle, his credentials, his fame, his friends, and the most devastating of all, his wife. There are many predictions in the first scene; nonetheless, there is no excess of foreshadowing: it is the perfect balance.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story of Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Macbeth, a courageous and ambitious man, lacks the strength of character when faced with moral decisions. His wife Lady Macbeth is also an extremely ambitious woman, who lusts for power and position. Lady Macbeth, proving to be the stronger of the two, pushes her husband to kill King Duncan and seize the crown. Macbeth was also told by the three witches that he was to become the king, which is why he kills Duncan for his wife, already knowing what the outcome of his deed was going to be. Later in the story, Macbeth and his wife face the fear of knowing what they have done. They begin to feel guilty and fearful of the people. Lady Macbeth begins to have nightmares and later commits suicide because she could no longer deal with the guilt. Macbeth continues to see the witches who warn him of bad things and people that are going to ruin him being king. The story ends with Macbeth being killed by Macduff and Malcolm, who restore the order to Scotland , and all of this was foreshadowed throughout the story.

Macbeth is told by the three witches that he is to become the king of Scotland . Later that night at home Lady Macbeth begins to pressure Macbeth to kill the king when he is there at their castle spending the night, so that they could take over the throne. Under pressure and against his own conscience Macbeth kills King Duncan and is crowned the new king of Scotland . This is one of the forms of foreshadowing that is done in Act One of the play. The witches gave Macbeth a sort of premonition that he was to become the king, and as they predicted he does become the king.

Once Macbeth is crowned the king, Banquo becomes suspicious of him and begins to express his suspicion. Macbeth decides that he must kill Banquo and his son, Fleance, so he hires two murderers to kill them. That same night Banquo is killed but Fleance escapes. Macbeth begins to see a ghost of Banquo that haunts his dreams and he begins to hallucinate. He decides to go to the witches for help. The witches tell Macbeth that his throne will be overturned when the forest caves in on him. Macbeth does not believe that that could ever happen so he does nothing about it. This is another form of foreshadowing in Macbeth. Macbeth is beginning to have a guilty conscience, and is realizing that his throne might be taken from him. The witches also make another premonition about the forest, which is true, because later on in the play Macbeth is killed by Malcolm and Macduff whose armies rise from the forest.

In Act IV of Macbeth the witches call up four apparitions who give Macbeth warnings, promises and prophesies. They tell him "Beware Macduff, a son of none woman born will take over the throne and kill you." They also warn him "Fear nothing until Birnum Wood come to Dunsiane." These apparitions are foreshadowing what is to become of Macbeth and the Scotland throne. In the end of the story Macbeth is killed by a son of none woman born, because Macduff's mother had a c-section when she gave birth to him, and the army that destroys Macbeth rises from Birnum Wood. Macbeth did not believe the witches’ prophecies, but was relieved in the end when he learned of his fate.

The story of Macbeth is a tragic story. This story is an example of a tragic hero as his fortune changes from prosperity to misery. It shows what can happen when you live out of guilt and fear, and when you are obsessed with ambitions. The story is a perfect example of foreshadowing that tells you what is going to happen later on in the story. In Macbeth, William Shakespeare writes about the battle good vs. evil. The story talks about what makes a good king, and what makes a bad king. It proves that Macbeth was a very bad king, living with guilt and fear throughout his whole reign.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. Specifically, t he essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ In the story of Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Macbeth, a courageous and ambitious man, lacks the strength of character when faced with moral decisions….The story ends with Macbeth being killed by Macduff and Malcolm, who restore the order to Scotland, and all of this was foreshadowed throughout the story.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ This is one of the forms of foreshadowing that is done in Act One of the play. The witches gave Macbeth a sort of premonition that he was to become the king, and as they predicted he does become the king.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ Macbeth is beginning to have a guilty conscience, and is realizing that his throne might be taken from him. The witches also make another premonition about the forest, which is true, because later on in the play Macbeth is killed by Malcolm and Macduff whose armies rise from the forest.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ In Act IV of Macbeth the witches call up four apparitions who give Macbeth warnings, promises and prophesies. They tell him ‘Beware Macduff, a son of none woman born will take over the throne and kill you.’ They also warn him ‘Fear nothing until Birnum Wood come to Dunsiane.’”) The essay includes good, specific details from the text that relate to the main character. (“ Later that night at home Lady Macbeth begins to pressure Macbeth to kill the king when he is there at their castle spending the night, so that they could take over the throne. Under pressure and against his own conscience Macbeth kills King Duncan and is crowned the new king of Scotland .”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ Once Macbeth is crowned the king, Banquo becomes suspicious of him and begins to express his suspicion. Macbeth decides that he must kill Banquo and his son, Fleance, so he hires two murderers to kill them.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. First of all, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ In the story of Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Macbeth, a courageous and ambitious man, lacks the strength of character when faced with moral decisions . . . The story ends with Macbeth being killed by Macduff and Malcolm, who restore the order to Scotland, and all of this was foreshadowed throughout the story.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. ( Macbeth is told by the three witches that he is to become the king of Scotland . Later that night at home Lady Macbeth begins to pressure Macbeth to kill the king when he is there at their castle spending the night, so that they could take over the throne . . . Once Macbeth is crowned the king, Banquo becomes suspicious of him and begins to express his suspicion.”) The conclusion effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ The story of Macbeth is a tragic story. This story is an example of a tragic hero as his fortune changes from prosperity to misery. It shows what can happen when you live out of guilt and fear, and when you are obsessed with ambitions.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. In addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Macbeth decides that he must kill Banquo and his son, Fleance, so he hires two murderers to kill them. That same night Banquo is killed but Fleance escapes. Macbeth begins to see a ghost of Banquo that haunts his dreams and he begins to hallucinate.”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Macbeth is told by the three witches that he is to become the king of Scotland . Later that night at home Lady Macbeth begins to pressure Macbeth to kill the king when he is there at their castle spending the night, so that they could take over the throne . . . This is one of the forms of foreshadowing that is done in Act One of the play.”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Lady Macbeth, proving to be the stronger of the two, pushes her husband to kill King Duncan and seize the crown.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, the writer’s sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ Macbeth begins to see a ghost of Banquo that haunts his dreams and he begins to hallucinate. He decides to go to the witches for help. The witches tell Macbeth that his throne will be overturned when the forest caves in on him. Macbeth does not believe that that could ever happen so he does nothing about it. This is another form of foreshadowing in Macbeth. Macbeth is beginning to have a guilty conscience, and is realizing that his throne might be taken from him.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Fair is foul, and foul is fair," is the line where the foreshadowing for the rest of the play is made. The witches say this at the end of the first scene. The foreshadowing for the rest of the play is that what is fair may be foul, and what is foul may be fair. Those few words tell a lot about what is going to happen in this play. Upon analyzing this first scene, it connects with the rest of the story. The foreshadowing in this scene shows that there are bad things coming.

Even though those words tell a lot about the play, what Macbeth says later also strengthens that foreshadowing. Whenever Banquo and he are walking through the forest he says, "I have never seen a day so foul, and fair." Then the witches appear and tell Macbeth that he is Thane of Glamis, and Cawdor, and that he is to be the future king. However, they tell him that he will never have heirs to the throne, but Banquo will. He then tells his wife what the witches have said and she comes up with a plot whenever she finds out that King Duncan is coming over for dinner. She decides that they should kill Duncan , and make it look as though it were someone else. At this point Macbeth is having second thoughts about it and envisions a bloody knife in his hand. This makes him just want to get it over with so he decides to go through with it. So he takes the dagger of one of the chamberlains, and kills him with it, then places it in the hands of the drugged chamberlain.

Besides all the foreshadowing of death and the murder happening, they pay back heavily for what they have done. After the murder of the king both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth were feeling guilty for what they had done. Neither of them were sleeping well at all, and Macbeth did not gain a whole lot of power being the king. He then had Banquo killed because he did not want Banquo's children to rule after he died. After Banquo was killed, Macbeth sent murders to kill his children, and their families. However, Fleance managed to escape, but Macduff's family was not so lucky. His wife and child were killed. After this event, Lady Macbeth began sleep walking through the halls, and began to creep out the people there. On the night that Macduff came for revenge with an army, Lady Macbeth committed suicide. Her husband was murdered the same night that she killed herself. Macduff came in and found Macbeth. They begin to fight, and Macbeth is slain.

In conclusion, foreshadowing can be very important to the plot of any story. In this one for example, it played a huge part. Foreshadowing can really give away whether something good or bad may happen. Like in these play people were murdered, and others who had been hurt wanted revenge. So they took it and reclaimed power for themselves. So if used correctly, foreshadowing can play a big part in the revealing of the plot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Those few words tell a lot about what is going to happen in this play. Upon analyzing this first scene, it connects with the rest of the story. The foreshadowing in this scene shows that there are bad things coming.”) The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Besides all the foreshadowing of death and the murder happening, they pay back heavily for what they have done.”) The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“At this point Macbeth is having second thoughts about it and envisions a bloody knife in his hand. This makes him just want to get it over with so he decides to go through with it. So he takes the dagger of one of the chamberlains, and kills him with it, then places it in the hands of the drugged chamberlain.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“ After the murder of the king both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth were feeling guilty for what they had done. Neither of them were sleeping well at all, and Macbeth did not gain a whole lot of power being the king.”) The essay includes adequate details about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ Whenever Banquo and he are walking through the forest he says, ‘I have never seen a day so foul, and fair.’ Then the witches appear and tell Macbeth that he is Thane of Glamis, and Cawdor, and that he is to be the future king.”) The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ After this event, Lady Macbeth began sleep walking through the halls, and began to creep out the people there. On the night that Macduff came for revenge with an army, Lady Macbeth committed suicide.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a profound quotation. (“ ‘Fair is foul, and foul is fair,’ is the line where the foreshadowing for the rest of the play is made. The witches say this at the end of the first scene. The foreshadowing for the rest of the play is that what is fair may be foul, and what is foul may be fair.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ Even though those words tell a lot about the play, what Macbeth says later also strengthens that foreshadowing . . . Besides all the foreshadowing of death and the murder happening, they pay back heavily for what they have done.”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In conclusion, foreshadowing can be very important to the plot of any story. In this one for example, it played a huge part. Foreshadowing can really give away whether something good or bad may happen.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language with an awareness of audience and control of voice. In addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Her husband was murdered the same night that she killed herself. Macduff came in and found Macbeth. They begin to fight, and Macbeth is slain.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ Foreshadowing can really give away whether something a good or bad thing may happen. Like in these play people were murdered, and others who had been hurt wanted revenge. So they took it and reclaimed power for themselves.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ After this event, Lady Macbeth began sleep walking through the halls, and began to creep out the people there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ Even though those words tell a lot about the play, what Macbeth says later also strengthens that foreshadowing. Whenever Banquo and he are walking through the forest he says, ‘I have never seen a day so foul, and fair.’ Then the witches appear and tell Macbeth that he is Thane of Glamis, and Cawdor, and that he is to be the future king. However, they tell him that he will never have heirs to the throne, but Banquo will.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the opening Scenes of Macbeth we can clearly see foreshadowing. Foreshadowing is in the way of the meeting with the witches. These witches reveal that Macbeth will become the Thane of Cawdor and the King of Scotland. They also reveal that Banquo will father kings but he will never be one. There is a lot of foreshadowing in the first chapter. Not only is the foreshadowing revealed easily but it is also hidden.

Some of the very noticeable foreshadowing is the witches telling Macbeth he will be thane of Cawdor then King of Scotland. Those are obvious foreshadowings but there are a few hidden ones. In order for Macbeth to become king it means that Duncan must die or be killed. Macbeth was confused at this because the Thane of Cawdor was alive and so was Duncan so how would be become both. We then learn later the Thane of Cawdor commited treason and lost his title. So unless Duncan hands over his throne Macbeth is going to have to kill him.

The other foreshadowing is that Banquo will father kings but never be king. So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king. It also means that Banquo's sons will overthrow Macbeth or he will give them the throne. Since Macbeth has no children it seems likely that he will let his friend's children take the throne.

The foreshadowing in Macbeth reveals a lot about whats to come. It reveals without saying how Macbeth will kill Duncan for the throne as well as Banquo so he does not lose the throne. By killing Duncan though he seals his fate to what the witches predict. The foreshadowing can be hard to see but, all the foreshadowing comes true in ways we didnt expect.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“They also reveal that Banquo will father kings but he will never be one. There is a lot of foreshadowing in the first chapter. Not only is the foreshadowing revealed easily but it is also hidden.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“It also means that Banquo's sons will overthrow Macbeth or he will give them the throne. Since Macbeth has no children it seems likely that he will let his friend's children take the throne.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“We then learn later the Thane of Cawdor commited treason and lost his title. So unless Duncan hands over his throne Macbeth is going to have to kill him.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. The essay includes only a limited discussion of literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., foreshadowing). (“ By killing Duncan though he seals his fate to what the witches predict. The foreshadowing can be hard to see but, all the foreshadowing comes true in ways we didnt expect.”) The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ The other foreshadowing is that Banquo will father kings but never be king. So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king. It also means that Banquo's sons will overthrow Macbeth or he will give them the throne.”) The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“ Some of the very noticeable foreshadowing is the witches telling Macbeth he will be thane of Cawdor then King of Scotland. Those are obvious foreshadowings but there are a few hidden ones.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion; furthermore, the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ There is a lot of foreshadowing in the first chapter. Not only is the foreshadowing revealed easily but it is also hidden.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ The other foreshadowing is that Banquo will father kings but never be king. So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king.”) The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson. (“ By killing Duncan though he seals his fate to what the witches predict. The foreshadowing can be hard to see but, all the foreshadowing comes true in ways we didnt expect.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use with some awareness of audience and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, transitions are needed. (“ The other foreshadowing is that Banquo will father kings but never be king. So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king.”) Exact words are missing. (“ So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The foreshadowing in Macbeth reveals a lot about whats to come. It reveals without saying how Macbeth will kill Duncan for the throne as well as Banquo so he does not lose the throne.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“The other foreshadowing is that Banquo will father kings but never be king. So thise means either Banquo is gonna die or not want to be king. It also means that Banquo's sons will overthrow Macbeth or he will give them the throne. Since Macbeth has no children it seems likely that he will let his friend's children take the throne.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the play Macbeth by William Shakespeare,foreshadowing is used in early scenes to allow the reader or viewer to predict upcoming events. One of the examples of foreshadowing is when the witches appear in front of Macbeth and banquo after thier battle. They told Macbeth his prophecy of him becoming king and Banquos sons also being kings in the future. This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king. Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.

Another,example of foreshadowing is when Duncan hears of Macbeths victory and bravery. He tells some people he will name Macbeth the thane of Cawdor.This foreshadows that Duncan is very trustworthy of Macbeth and that in the near future Macbeth will have power.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“ In the play Macbeth by William Shakespeare,foreshadowing is used in early scenes to allow the reader or viewer to predict upcoming events. One of the examples of foreshadowing is when the witches appear in front of Macbeth and banquo after thier battle.”) The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king. Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. ( He tells some people he will name Macbeth the thane of Cawdor.This foreshadows that Duncan is very trustworthy of Macbeth and that in the near future Macbeth will have power.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“Another,example of foreshadowing is when Duncan hears of Macbeths victory and bravery. He tells some people he will name Macbeth the thane of Cawdor.This foreshadows that Duncan is very trustworthy of Macbeth and that in the near future Macbeth will have power.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Banquos sons also being kings in the future. This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king. Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“One of the examples of foreshadowing is when the witches appear in front of Macbeth and banquo after thier battle. They told Macbeth his prophecy of him becoming king and Banquos sons also being kings in the future.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ In the play Macbeth by William Shakespeare,foreshadowing is used in early scenes to allow the reader or viewer to predict upcoming events. One of the examples of foreshadowing is when the witches appear in front of Macbeth and banquo after thier battle.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king. Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.”) The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ He tells some people he will name Macbeth the thane of Cawdor.This foreshadows that Duncan is very trustworthy of Macbeth and that in the near future Macbeth will have power.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king.”) Exact words are missing. (“ Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.”) The style is not formal. (“ Another,example of foreshadowing is when Duncan hears of Macbeths victory and bravery. He tells some people he will name Macbeth the thane of Cawdor.This foreshadows that Duncan is very trustworthy of Macbeth and that in the near future Macbeth will have power.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“In the play Macbeth by William Shakespeare,foreshadowing is used in early scenes to allow the reader or viewer to predict upcoming events. One of the examples of foreshadowing is when the witches appear in front of Macbeth and banquo after thier battle. They told Macbeth his prophecy of him becoming king and Banquos sons also being kings in the future. This foreshadows one of Macbeths influences that he will do anything to become king. Also,shows the tragic flaw he has and will have to get rid of banquos sons.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection, includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and a central/controlling idea is not stated. (“Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“Foreshadowing is a common technique that many writers use. William Shakespeare's, Macbeth, is just one of my stories that contain this effect. As you read the first scene, Macbeth comes across three witches. once you hear the witches start to speak their lines you know that this is not the last time you will read of them. Hince, foreshadowing.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Gothic Elements in "The Fall of the House of Usher"

First published in 1839, Edgar Allan Poe's short story "The Fall of the House of Usher," is a prime example of a piece of Gothic fiction. Gothic literature first appeared in England in the late 1700s by writers such as Horace Walpole and Anne Radcliffe, and is characterized by particular elements that are commonly still seen today in both literature and film. These elements include: haunted houses, castles, darkness, omens, foreshadowing, dreams, terror, death, madness, the supernatural, mental illness, ghosts, an aura of mystery, and romantic elements, such as obsessive or unrequited love. In order to make connections between the text and this historical period, think of the various elements of Gothic literature in Poe's story.

After reading Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher," write a well-developed essay in which you analyze and discuss the various elements of Gothic fiction found in the story. Specific elements to be discussed can be both physical and abstract. Remember to provide examples and quotes from the text in support of your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Edgar Allen Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" exhibits Gothic fiction by using bleak or remote settings, characters in psychological torment, supernatural or otherworldly elements, and strong language full of dangerous meanings. Edgar Allen Poe is very well known for his dark and dismal stories. Dark and dismal elements in a story are perfect examples of Gothic Literature. Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" is a story that gives people a very uneasy and almost disturbed feeling.

Edgar Allen Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" is a story that describes an old, rundown house that belongs to a family by the name of Usher. The house creates a double effect with the family in the way that they are connected. For example, when someone catastrophic happens to the family, the house has the same catastrophic change. The house belongs to the narrator's friend and the friend's sister. Throughout the course of the story, the sister becomes gravely ill and soon after that, she dies. After the sister is assumed to be deceased, the narrator assists the friend in entombing the sister in the wall of a room in the house. After a few days, the brother realizes that they entombed the sister alive, and begins to experience very deep psychological problems. The narrator believes that the friend's mind is just slowly deteriorating due to the loss of his sister. After a few days the sister comes back as a ghostly figure and quite literally frightens her brother to death. When the narrator sees this he quickly runs out of the house just as the house crumbles and falls right before his eyes with the two siblings still inside the paranormal mansion. The narrator then continues to run until he is sure he is far enough away that the sister will not come after him either. This is what Edgar Allen Poe described as the fall of the house of Usher.

Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" is a prime example of Gothic Literature by using bleak and remote settings. Throughout "The Fall of the House of Usher" there is never an optimistic or buoyant setting; everything is always very pessimistic and dreary. As the narrator comes upon the mansion he says the mansion is "cracked down one side and looks old and worn." He observes the setting and there are old and rotting trees surrounding the property and the air is thick and not welcoming at all. The narrator also observed that the clouds are hung oppressively low in the sky. Edgar Allen Poe states in the story, "I know not how it was - but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit." Quotes like this contribute to the very grim and dark theme of Gothic literature.

Poe also creates characters who are psychologically tormented. In the story Poe's estranged friend is tormented by the presence of his sister's ghost. As the story progresses Poe's friend slowly goes insane due to the fact that they entombed his sister alive in the mansion. Throughout the story his sister's spirit starts harassing him, and his mind slowly starts deteriorating. Throughout the story the narrator expresses concern about his friend muttering strange and alarming things. There were many signs throughout the story that suggested the man of the house of Usher was losing his mind.

Along with dark settings and creating characters with psychological torment, Poe's "The Fall of the House of Usher" contributes to the theme of Gothic literature by using supernatural and otherworldly elements. An example of this would be the house itself. The house seems to have its own mind, and seems to manipulate its surroundings and its inhabitants. For example, Poe states in the story, "during the whole of the dull, dark, and soundless day" which just portray images that are very depressing and bleak. The house has that kind of effect on things; it seems to almost kill things such as the trees surrounding the property. Another example would be how the narrator's estranged friend's sister Madeline comes back from the dead to haunt her brother and seek revenge for entombing her alive. Madeline rising from the dead is a supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. The narrator also states throughout the story that he keeps hearing his friend utter strange words that sound like a spell which represent otherworldly elements.

Lastly, Edgar Allen Poe used strong language full of dangerous meanings throughout "The Fall of the House of Usher". Throughout the entire story Poe uses the single effect to create the image and feeling of darkness and dreariness. Poe really wants the reader to understand how depressing and bleak the house and the setting of the story. Throughout Poe's stories, he uses double meaning, and he also does in this story. For example, as the story progresses, the Usher family begins to deteriorate and crumble, at the same rate, so does the house of Usher. Poe also uses very dark and dangerous words such as violent, ripping sound, rattling of the sashes, and many, many more throughout the entire story.

Throughout the "The Fall of the House of Usher" Poe contributes to the theme of Gothic Literature by using dark and remote settings, characters in psychological torment, supernatural or otherworldly elements, and strong language full of dangerous meanings. Edgar Allen Poe is an expert in creating stories that are very depressing and dark, and using the single effect concept.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a central/controlling idea.

The writer effectively communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she describes some of the Gothic elements that Poe incorporated into the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Lastly, Edgar Allen Poe used strong language full of dangerous meanings throughout ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’. Throughout the entire story Poe uses the single effect to create the image and feeling of darkness and dreariness. Poe really wants the reader to understand how depressing and bleak the house and the setting of the story. Throughout Poe's stories, he uses double meaning, and he also does in this story. For example, as the story progresses, the Usher family begins to deteriorate and crumble, at the same rate, so does the house of Usher. Poe also uses very dark and dangerous words such as violent, ripping sound, rattling of the sashes, and many, many more throughout the entire story.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Edgar Allen Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ exhibits Gothic fiction by using bleak or remote settings, characters in psychological torment, supernatural or otherworldly elements, and strong language full of dangerous meanings. Edgar Allen Poe is very well known for his dark and dismal stories. Dark and dismal elements in a story are perfect examples of Gothic Literature. Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ is a story that gives people a very uneasy and almost disturbed feeling.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Along with dark settings and creating characters with psychological torment, Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ contributes to the theme of Gothic literature by using supernatural and otherworldly elements. An example of this would be the house itself. The house seems to have its own mind, and seems to manipulate its surroundings and its inhabitants. For example, Poe states in the story, ‘during the whole of the dull, dark, and soundless day’ which just portray images that are very depressing and bleak. The house has that kind of effect on things; it seems to almost kill things such as the trees surrounding the property. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details from the text to clearly illustrate many of the Gothic elements that Poe employed throughout the short story. These details include specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ is a prime example of Gothic Literature by using bleak and remote settings. Throughout ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ there is never an optimistic or buoyant setting; everything is always very pessimistic and dreary. As the narrator comes upon the mansion he says the mansion is ‘cracked down one side and looks old and worn.’ He observes the setting and there are old and rotting trees surrounding the property and the air is thick and not welcoming at all. The narrator also observed that the clouds are hung oppressively low in the sky. Edgar Allen Poe states in the story, ‘I know not how it was - but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit.’ Quotes like this contribute to the very grim and dark theme of Gothic literature.”)

The writer consistently uses events occurring in the story to demonstrate Gothic elements such as bleak settings, psychological torment, supernatural occurrences, and language full of dangerous meanings. (“Along with dark settings and creating characters with psychological torment, Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ contributes to the theme of Gothic literature by using supernatural and otherworldly elements. An example of this would be the house itself. The house seems to have its own mind, and seems to manipulate its surroundings and its inhabitants. For example, Poe states in the story, ‘during the whole of the dull, dark, and soundless day’ which just portray images that are very depressing and bleak. The house has that kind of effect on things; it seems to almost kill things such as the trees surrounding the property. Another example would be how the narrator's estranged friend's sister Madeline comes back from the dead to haunt her brother and seek revenge for entombing her alive. Madeline rising from the dead is a supernatural and paranormal phenomenon.”)

The writer emphasizes how the dark setting contributes to the nature of Gothic literature. He/she succeeds in showing how the house in the story represents dreariness and pessimism. (“Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ is a prime example of Gothic Literature by using bleak and remote settings. Throughout ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ there is never an optimistic or buoyant setting; everything is always very pessimistic and dreary. As the narrator comes upon the mansion he says the mansion is ‘cracked down one side and looks old and worn.’ He observes the setting and there are old and rotting trees surrounding the property and the air is thick and not welcoming at all. The narrator also observed that the clouds are hung oppressively low in the sky. Edgar Allen Poe states in the story, ‘I know not how it was - but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit.’ Quotes like this contribute to the very grim and dark theme of Gothic literature.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention by providing some examples of Gothic elements. (“Edgar Allen Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ exhibits Gothic fiction by using bleak or remote settings, characters in psychological torment, supernatural or otherworldly elements, and strong language full of dangerous meanings. Edgar Allen Poe is very well known for his dark and dismal stories. Dark and dismal elements in a story are perfect examples of Gothic Literature. Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ is a story that gives people a very uneasy and almost disturbed feeling. ”)

Transitional phrases between paragraphs or between sentences are used to connect ideas and maintain flow and sequence. (“Along with dark settings and creating characters with psychological torment, Poe's ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ contributes to the theme of Gothic literature by using supernatural and otherworldly elements. An example of this would be the house itself. The house seems to have its own mind, and seems to manipulate its surroundings and its inhabitants. For example, Poe states in the story, ‘during the whole of the dull, dark, and soundless day’ which just portray images that are very depressing and bleak. The house has that kind of effect on things; it seems to almost kill things such as the trees surrounding the property. ”)

The essay’s conclusion, although brief, leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Throughout the ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’ Poe contributes to the theme of Gothic Literature by using dark and remote settings, characters in psychological torment, supernatural or otherworldly elements, and strong language full of dangerous meanings. Edgar Allen Poe is an expert in creating stories that are very depressing and dark, and using the single effect concept. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer employs an informative tone to analyze the Gothic elements used in Poe’s short story, effectively adapting the message to the intended audience. (“Poe also creates characters who are psychologically tormented. In the story Poe's estranged friend is tormented by the presence of his sister's ghost. As the story progresses Poe's friend slowly goes insane due to the fact that they entombed his sister alive in the mansion. Throughout the story his sister's spirit starts harassing him, and his mind slowly starts deteriorating. Throughout the story the narrator expresses concern about his friend muttering strange and alarming things. There were many signs throughout the story that suggested the man of the house of Usher was losing his mind. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of different events occurring in the story using vivid descriptions so that by the end of the response, the readers understand how Poe used Gothic elements to create a truly horrifying story with psychological implications. (“As the narrator comes upon the mansion he says the mansion is ‘cracked down one side and looks old and worn.’ He observes the setting and there are old and rotting trees surrounding the property and the air is thick and not welcoming at all. The narrator also observed that the clouds are hung oppressively low in the sky. Edgar Allen Poe states in the story, ‘I know not how it was - but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit.’ Quotes like this contribute to the very grim and dark theme of Gothic literature. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The house seems to have its own mind, and seems to manipulate its surroundings and its inhabitants. For example, Poe states in the story, ‘during the whole of the dull, dark, and soundless day’ which just portray images that are very depressing and bleak. The house has that kind of effect on things; it seems to almost kill things such as the trees surrounding the property. Another example would be how the narrator's estranged friend's sister Madeline comes back from the dead to haunt her brother and seek revenge for entombing her alive. Madeline rising from the dead is a supernatural and paranormal phenomenon.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“Throughout the course of the story, the sister becomes gravely ill and soon after that, she dies. After the sister is assumed to be deceased, the narrator assists the friend in entombing the sister in the wall of a room in the house. After a few days, the brother realizes that they entombed the sister alive, and begins to experience very deep psychological problems.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The world of the spooky and haunted is considered by many writers to be nearly impossible to fully achieve. It is extremely difficult to engage a reader in a story or novel with words on a page. However, Edgar Allan Poe is considered to be the master of this Gothic Literature. Poe dealt with tragedy and death at many points throughout his short life. Therefore, many critics say that this disappointment in his life made it easy for him to connect to the unknown, haunted side of literature. In "The Fall of the House of Usher," Poe's excellent use of Gothic literature is prevalent. He is able to create a bleak setting through the vocabulary and then follow that with a story full of fear. This short story fulfills every aspect of Gothic literature. Poe creates a haunted setting through his use of vocabulary, creates a scene of violence, and ends the short story with physical torment.

In order to create the full effect of Gothic literature, the setting needs to be carefully described as one full of terror and mystery. In "The Fall of the House of Usher," Poe uses particular vocabulary to create the setting. Words such as "shades, oppressively low, gloom, insufferable, dull, dark, and soundless" allow the setting to portray a story that will be full of death later on. This setting makes the story more believable and allows the reader to be pulled into the story. Bleak or remote settings are a predominant characteristic of Gothic literature. From the first sentence to the last, Poe constantly uses gloomy words to set this sort of bleak setting. Therefore, Poe addresses this aspect of Gothic literature to his fullest ability.

A dominant characteristic in Gothic literature is characters in a violent incident. In "The Fall of the House of Usher,' violent incidents are exposed quite often. For example, the narrator realizes that Mr. Usher's sister was put in the tomb alive. "I now tell you that I heard her first feeble movement in the hollow coffin.' To be put in a coffin alive would be physically and psychologically tormenting, fulfilling this aspect of Gothic literature. Additionally, after Mr. Usher's sister dies, she then comes to attack her brother. ". . . Fell inward upon the person of her brother . . . bore him to the floor. . . " Mr. Usher's sister came back to physically hurt her brother. Therefore, Poe fulfilled the aspect of violent incidents a second time in the story.

In order to create a horrifying story, Poe added a multiple scenes of violence, satisfying the requirements of Gothic literature. Lastly, Gothic literature requires scenes of physical torment. Poe's short story is full of physical torment. In fact, the climax of the story is actually physical torment. After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ". . . And in her violent and now final death agonies, bore him to the floor a corpse, and a victim to the terrors he had anticipated." In response to this action, the narrator quickly leaves the scene. Since he felt the need to leave, he was psychologically being tormented. He ran away from this torment as his response to the incident that occurred. Poe described physical and psychological torment quite often in "The Fall of the House of Usher," fulfilling this aspect of Gothic Literature.

In Poe's short story of "The Fall of the House of Usher," he chooses gloomy words in order to describe the setting. Such words as "gloomy and bleak" create a setting full of mystery and fear to the reader, which fulfills one aspect of Gothic literature. Secondly, violence is prevalent in the story. Mr. Usher's sister becomes very violent. Mr. Usher is attacked by his sister after his sister is buried alive in a coffin. Both forms of cruelty involve violence. Lastly, Poe indicates the psychological and physical torment that each character is encountering. Mr. Usher is physically attacked by his sister who was physically tormented. In response, the narrator becomes psychologically tormented and runs away.

Poe is considered to be the master of Gothic literature and the reason is quite obvious. In "The Fall of the House of Usher," he satisfies every aspect more than once. Therefore, the reader is drawn into the story and the aspects of fear and mystery are expressed vividly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on several Gothic elements found in the short story. He/she is effective in this approach and consistently maintains that focus throughout the essay. (“In order to create the full effect of Gothic literature, the setting needs to be carefully described as one full of terror and mystery. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe uses particular vocabulary to create the setting. Words such as ‘shades, oppressively low, gloom, insufferable, dull, dark, and soundless’ allow the setting to portray a story that will be full of death later on. This setting makes the story more believable and allows the reader to be pulled into the story. Bleak or remote settings are a predominant characteristic of Gothic literature. From the first sentence to the last, Poe constantly uses gloomy words to set this sort of bleak setting. Therefore, Poe addresses this aspect of Gothic literature to his fullest ability. ”)

The essay contains details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ‘. . . And in her violent and now final death agonies, bore him to the floor a corpse, and a victim to the terrors he had anticipated.’ In response to this action, the narrator quickly leaves the scene. Since he felt the need to leave, he was psychologically being tormented. He ran away from this torment as his response to the incident that occurred. ”)

The writer focuses on the central/controlling idea with details about the vocabulary, violence, and physical torment that Poe included in his Gothic piece. (“In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe's excellent use of Gothic literature is prevalent. He is able to create a bleak setting through the vocabulary and then follow that with a story full of fear. This short story fulfills every aspect of Gothic literature. Poe creates a haunted setting through his use of vocabulary, creates a scene of violence, and ends the short story with physical torment. ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development of ideas that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are fully and clearly developed, with a variety of specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer illustrates some of Poe’s Gothic elements by describing events occurring in the story; acts of physical torment are vivid examples that help the readers understand the writer’s ideas with clarity. (“After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ‘. . . And in her violent and now final death agonies, bore him to the floor a corpse, and a victim to the terrors he had anticipated.’ In response to this action, the narrator quickly leaves the scene. Since he felt the need to leave, he was psychologically being tormented. He ran away from this torment as his response to the incident that occurred. Poe described physical and psychological torment quite often in ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ fulfilling this aspect of Gothic Literature.”)

The writer includes an analysis of Poe’s word choices. Carefully chosen vocabulary creates a bleak setting that contributes to a more believable story in the Gothic genre. (“In order to create the full effect of Gothic literature, the setting needs to be carefully described as one full of terror and mystery. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe uses particular vocabulary to create the setting. Words such as ‘shades, oppressively low, gloom, insufferable, dull, dark, and soundless’ allow the setting to portray a story that will be full of death later on. This setting makes the story more believable and allows the reader to be pulled into the story. Bleak or remote settings are a predominant characteristic of Gothic literature. From the first sentence to the last, Poe constantly uses gloomy words to set this sort of bleak setting. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“A dominant characteristic in Gothic literature is characters in a violent incident. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,' violent incidents are exposed quite often. For example, the narrator realizes that Mr. Usher's sister was put in the tomb alive. ‘I now tell you that I heard her first feeble movement in the hollow coffin.' To be put in a coffin alive would be physically and psychologically tormenting, fulfilling this aspect of Gothic literature. Additionally, after Mr. Usher's sister dies, she then comes to attack her brother. ‘. . . Fell inward upon the person of her brother . . . bore him to the floor. . .’ Mr. Usher's sister came back to physically hurt her brother. Therefore, Poe fulfilled the aspect of violent incidents a second time in the story. In order to create a horrifying story, Poe added a multiple scenes of violence, satisfying the requirements of Gothic literature.”)

Organization

The writer engages the readers’ attention in the beginning by providing a connection between Poe’s life and the Gothic elements he included in his short stories. (“The world of the spooky and haunted is considered by many writers to be nearly impossible to fully achieve. It is extremely difficult to engage a reader in a story or novel with words on a page. However, Edgar Allan Poe is considered to be the master of this Gothic Literature. Poe dealt with tragedy and death at many points throughout his short life. Therefore, many critics say that this disappointment in his life made it easy for him to connect to the unknown, haunted side of literature. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe's excellent use of Gothic literature is prevalent. He is able to create a bleak setting through the vocabulary and then follow that with a story full of fear. This short story fulfills every aspect of Gothic literature. Poe creates a haunted setting through his use of vocabulary, creates a scene of violence, and ends the short story with physical torment. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“In order to create a horrifying story, Poe added a multiple scenes of violence, satisfying the requirements of Gothic literature. Lastly, Gothic literature requires scenes of physical torment. Poe's short story is full of physical torment. In fact, the climax of the story is actually physical torment. After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ‘. . . And in her violent and now final death agonies, bore him to the floor a corpse, and a victim to the terrors he had anticipated.’ In response to this action, the narrator quickly leaves the scene. ”)

The writer includes a brief conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Poe is considered to be the master of Gothic literature and the reason is quite obvious. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ he satisfies every aspect more than once. Therefore, the reader is drawn into the story and the aspects of fear and mystery are expressed vividly. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer provides appropriate word choices that give the essay an informative tone. (“A dominant characteristic in Gothic literature is characters in a violent incident. In ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,' violent incidents are exposed quite often. For example, the narrator realizes that Mr. Usher's sister was put in the tomb alive. ‘I now tell you that I heard her first feeble movement in the hollow coffin.' To be put in a coffin alive would be physically and psychologically tormenting, fulfilling this aspect of Gothic literature. Additionally, after Mr. Usher's sister dies, she then comes to attack her brother. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“The world of the spooky and haunted is considered by many writers to be nearly impossible to fully achieve. It is extremely difficult to engage a reader in a story or novel with words on a page. However, Edgar Allan Poe is considered to be the master of this Gothic Literature. Poe dealt with tragedy and death at many points throughout his short life. Therefore, many critics say that this disappointment in his life made it easy for him to connect to the unknown, haunted side of literature.”)

The response contains many short, choppy sentences. The writer should consider combining related ideas to create complex sentence structures. In doing so, the writer has the opportunity to create a more credible response to the prompt task. (“Poe's short story is full of physical torment. In fact, the climax of the story is actually physical torment. After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. Spelling and grammar are generally correct. (“Poe's short story is full of physical torment. In fact, the climax of the story is actually physical torment. After Poe's sister is buried alive, she comes back to physically torment her brother. ‘. . . And in her violent and now final death agonies, bore him to the floor a corpse, and a victim to the terrors he had anticipated.’ In response to this action, the narrator quickly leaves the scene.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

While reading "The Fall of the House of Usher," I noticed it is a really depressing short story. It speaks of the darkness and mystery of this house that this person goes to. The narrator speaks of the gloomy feeling and look of the outside and how it differs from the house. This story fits into the Gothic literature with a haunted house, dreary landscape, mysterious sickness, and doubled personality. This is considered one of Edgar Allen Poe's greatest literary writings known to the public.

This story starts out by the narrator describing his ride and the look of the outside on the house of his childhood friend. He describes the place as having absorbed an evil and diseased atmosphere from the decaying trees with their white bark and the murky ponds around it. The house, the narrator noticed, is decaying in some places and covered in fungi but has a good structure. The narrator enters the house and unsurprisingly, has the same gloomy feeling that he had when he first came as he looks around and sees dark draperies hung on the walls and antique furniture. As he makes his way through the house and goes to the room his friend is waiting in, he notices his friend is paler and less energetic. All of these are among other physical elements within this story that fit into the Gothic literature category.

The Gothic literature however did not strictly only have physical elements, it had "emotional" elements also. The unknown persons friend had succumbed to a great depression as he watched his sisters illness take over her. When the narrator tried to lift his friends spirit, the friend had admitted that maybe the house was not healthy for him. The narrator feels that his friend is afraid of something. Eventually he finds out he is fearful of leaving his sister when he dies. I believe however that he is afraid of the entire house. When the friends sister dies, a sense of paranoia overtakes the friend and decides to bury her temporarily in the tombs below the house. He believes doctors will dig up his sisters body and take it for scientific examination. After she is gone, the friend turns into a sort of mad-man having lost his only companion. Paranoia, madness, mental illness; they are all forms of Gothic literature.

Along with the above, there are more elements in this story that fit into the Gothic literature category. On a sleepless night, in order to pass the time after the characters are having a sleepless night, the narrator reads a medieval romance book to his friend. While reading the narrator starts to hear noises that correspond to the descriptions in the story. He ignores them at first but no longer can when they become more distinct. He sees his friend in his chair and notices he is mumbling. There, the friend reveals he has heard the noises for a few days and believes that they have buried his sister alive and that she is trying to escape. The friend yells that she is standing behind the door, and as the wind blows and opens the door his fear is confirmed. There his sister stands in white robes, bloodied from her struggle to get out. She attacks her brother as the life drains from her, and he dies of fear. The narrator flees from the house and as he does the house breaks along a crack in the frame and crumbles. That night, the Usher family bloodline came to an end and they took their house with them. From what i have read, this has Gothic literature characteristics in the terror and supernatural occurences, ending with death.

Gothic elements in this story were not scarce. In fact, the whole story was filled with the elements of Gothic literature. From a haunted house to a madness to death, this story had it all. I can see why this was one of Poe's greatest works. It makes you curious as to what is going to happen next with its mysterious ways.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects events that focus on specific Gothic elements and provides adequate details so the readers can appreciate the examples. (“Along with the above, there are more elements in this story that fit into the Gothic literature category. On a sleepless night, in order to pass the time after the characters are having a sleepless night, the narrator reads a medieval romance book to his friend. While reading the narrator starts to hear noises that correspond to the descriptions in the story. He ignores them at first but no longer can when they become more distinct. He sees his friend in his chair and notices he is mumbling… From what i have read, this has Gothic literature characteristics in the terror and supernatural occurences, ending with death.”)

The writer generally maintains the same focus throughout the essay. He/she focuses on events in the story that support the various elements that define the Gothic genre. (“The narrator enters the house and unsurprisingly, has the same gloomy feeling that he had when he first came as he looks around and sees dark draperies hung on the walls and antique furniture. As he makes his way through the house and goes to the room his friend is waiting in, he notices his friend is paler and less energetic. All of these are among other physical elements within this story that fit into the Gothic literature category.”)

The writing style is generally appropriate for the intended audience. The writer’s response is meaningful for the readers and satisfies the basic requirements of the prompt task. (“While reading ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ I noticed it is a really depressing short story. It speaks of the darkness and mystery of this house that this person goes to. The narrator speaks of the gloomy feeling and look of the outside and how it differs from the house. This story fits into the Gothic literature with a haunted house, dreary landscape, mysterious sickness, and doubled personality. This is considered one of Edgar Allen Poe's greatest literary writings known to the public.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer relates events occurring in the story that exemplify the Gothic elements evident in Poe’s work. (“The narrator feels that his friend is afraid of something. Eventually he finds out he is fearful of leaving his sister when he dies. I believe however that he is afraid of the entire house. When the friends sister dies, a sense of paranoia overtakes the friend and decides to bury her temporarily in the tombs below the house. He believes doctors will dig up his sisters body and take it for scientific examination. After she is gone, the friend turns into a sort of mad-man having lost his only companion. Paranoia, madness, mental illness; they are all forms of Gothic literature.”)

The writer highlights Gothic elements, such as a haunted house, dreary landscape, and mysterious sickness, using specific details from the text. (“The house, the narrator noticed, is decaying in some places and covered in fungi but has a good structure. The narrator enters the house and unsurprisingly, has the same gloomy feeling that he had when he first came as he looks around and sees dark draperies hung on the walls and antique furniture. As he makes his way through the house and goes to the room his friend is waiting in, he notices his friend is paler and less energetic.”)

The writer points out emotional elements as well as physical ones in his/her analysis using specific, relevant details from the text. (“The Gothic literature however did not strictly only have physical elements, it had ‘emotional’ elements also. The unknown persons friend had succumbed to a great depression as he watched his sisters illness take over her. When the narrator tried to lift his friends spirit, the friend had admitted that maybe the house was not healthy for him. The narrator feels that his friend is afraid of something. Eventually he finds out he is fearful of leaving his sister when he dies.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately engages the readers’ attention by identifying some of the Gothic elements that will be discussed in the analysis of Poe’s short story. (“While reading ‘The Fall of the House of Usher,’ I noticed it is a really depressing short story. It speaks of the darkness and mystery of this house that this person goes to. The narrator speaks of the gloomy feeling and look of the outside and how it differs from the house. This story fits into the Gothic literature with a haunted house, dreary landscape, mysterious sickness, and doubled personality. This is considered one of Edgar Allen Poe's greatest literary writings known to the public. ”)

The writer should employ more transitional words and phrases between paragraphs and sentences. In doing so, he/she will adequately connect ideas and maintain flow and sequence. (“He sees his friend in his chair and notices he is mumbling. There, the friend reveals he has heard the noises for a few days and believes that they have buried his sister alive and that she is trying to escape. The friend yells that she is standing behind the door, and as the wind blows and opens the door his fear is confirmed. There his sister stands in white robes, bloodied from her struggle to get out. She attacks her brother as the life drains from her, and he dies of fear. ”)

The conclusion, although brief, manages to give the readers a sense of closure. (“Gothic elements in this story were not scarce. In fact, the whole story was filled with the elements of Gothic literature. From a haunted house to a madness to death, this story had it all. I can see why this was one of Poe's greatest works. It makes you curious as to what is going to happen next with its mysterious ways. ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“The narrator enters the house and unsurprisingly, has the same gloomy feeling that he had when he first came as he looks around and sees dark draperies hung on the walls and antique furniture. As he makes his way through the house and goes to the room his friend is waiting in, he notices his friend is paler and less energetic. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explains the elements in Poe’s short story that make it a classic Gothic piece. (“He sees his friend in his chair and notices he is mumbling. There, the friend reveals he has heard the noises for a few days and believes that they have buried his sister alive and that she is trying to escape. The friend yells that she is standing behind the door, and as the wind blows and opens the door his fear is confirmed. There his sister stands in white robes, bloodied from her struggle to get out. She attacks her brother as the life drains from her, and he dies of fear. The narrator flees from the house and as he does the house breaks along a crack in the frame and crumbles. That night, the Usher family bloodline came to an end and they took their house with them. From what i have read, this has Gothic literature characteristics in the terror and supernatural occurences, ending with death. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“Along with the above, there are more elements in this story that fit into the Gothic literature category. On a sleepless night, in order to pass the time after the characters are having a sleepless night, the narrator reads a medieval romance book to his friend. While reading the narrator starts to hear noises that correspond to the descriptions in the story. He ignores them at first but no longer can when they become more distinct. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

''I looked upon the scene before me, upon the mere house and the simple landscape features of the domain upon the bleak walls upon the vacant eye like window''. but there were alot of gothic literature in this story, it had alot of illness and darkness. The effects in this story had great elements and it appeared gothic very well.

When you read ''The fall of the house of usher, '' The frist element in this story was illness . Roderick Usher is friend that he haven't seen in along time a letter. Telling him how he was suffering from a rather stage illnesses. Roderick friend came to come see him which is narrator. As soon as the narrator walk in Roderick room he could tell that Roderick was suffering from '' a morbid acuteness of the seance's' as he looked around the room the narrator just knew that it was the house was what got him like that. But Roderick wasn't the only person in the house he had a sister name Madeline she was very ill too. Madeline had a transient affections of her character which cause her to lose consciousness and feeling. So her brother Roderick assume that she was dead or was about to die soon.

Another gothic element in the story is darkness. Darkness plays a big part in this story because, As soon as the narrator was on his way to the house he said that it was every soundless day and their was no sun out the clouds hung oppressively low in as soon he was starting to walk up to the house that his sense of spirit went very low because the vibe of the outside. What makes it so bad was when the narrator walk in the house the inside fit the outside of the house. the rooms were very dull they black and gray it made you feel like you really could move around. the narrator just didn't feel right and that house and he know that if the didn't fell why should Rderick fell right. it seem as if the house was making them sick.

Last but not lest gothic element was death. Why i say death is one of the element because, Roderick Usher sister Mandine had die well at lest they through she was dead. Madeline already didn't talk to nobody nor did she do anybody at all. She wasn't really a main character but he way she die was very sad. Mandine was bury alive and her brother was the one who did it he didn't know that she was still alive. Roderick and his friend the narrator put her and the basement of their house and bury her down their.

The Fall of the house of usher was a gothic story as you can see my three main reason why i think it was a gothic. But its a good story to read because it make you what's going to happen next. this story was more like a mystery it had unanswered question and an order to answer these unanswered question you had to put to and to together to get what your looking. Until this day i have unanswered question because gothic is way different from now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states a very limited central/controlling idea. (“but there were alot of gothic literature in this story, it had alot of illness and darkness. The effects in this story had great elements and it appeared gothic very well.”)

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the Gothic elements found in Poe’s short story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Last but not lest gothic element was death. Why i say death is one of the element because, Roderick Usher sister Mandine had die well at lest they through she was dead. Madeline already didn't talk to nobody nor did she do anybody at all. She wasn't really a main character but he way she die was very sad. Mandine was bury alive and her brother was the one who did it he didn't know that she was still alive.”)

Although the writer manages to establish an informative tone to discuss the Gothic elements found in Poe’s short story, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events occurring in the story for the readers to appreciate the analysis of these elements and their overall effect on the Gothic piece. (“When you read ‘The fall of the house of usher,’ The frist element in this story was illness . Roderick Usher is friend that he haven't seen in along time a letter. Telling him how he was suffering from a rather stage illnesses. Roderick friend came to come see him which is narrator. As soon as the narrator walk in Roderick room he could tell that Roderick was suffering from ‘a morbid acuteness of the seance's' as he looked around the room the narrator just knew that it was the house was what got him like that. But Roderick wasn't the only person in the house he had a sister name Madeline she was very ill too. Madeline had a transient affections of her character which cause her to lose consciousness and feeling. So her brother Roderick assume that she was dead or was about to die soon.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Madeline already didn't talk to nobody nor did she do anybody at all. She wasn't really a main character but he way she die was very sad. Mandine was bury alive and her brother was the one who did it he didn't know that she was still alive. Roderick and his friend the narrator put her and the basement of their house and bury her down their. The Fall of the house of usher was a gothic story as you can see my three main reason why i think it was a gothic. But its a good story to read because it make you what's going to happen next. this story was more like a mystery it had unanswered question and an order to answer these unanswered question you had to put to and to together to get what your looking.”)

There are gaps in the information that leave the readers with too many questions. (“But Roderick wasn't the only person in the house he had a sister name Madeline she was very ill too. Madeline had a transient affections of her character which cause her to lose consciousness and feeling. So her brother Roderick assume that she was dead or was about to die soon.”)

The writer’s explanations of Gothic elements found in Poe’s short story are limited at best. More information about events occurring in the story would help the readers appreciate the writer’s ideas in a more meaningful way. (“Another gothic element in the story is darkness. Darkness plays a big part in this story because, As soon as the narrator was on his way to the house he said that it was every soundless day and their was no sun out the clouds hung oppressively low in as soon he was starting to walk up to the house that his sense of spirit went very low because the vibe of the outside. What makes it so bad was when the narrator walk in the house the inside fit the outside of the house. the rooms were very dull they black and gray it made you feel like you really could move around.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by using a quotation. Unfortunately, the thesis statement that follows the quote is unclear and leaves the readers a bit confused. (“‘I looked upon the scene before me, upon the mere house and the simple landscape features of the domain upon the bleak walls upon the vacant eye like window’. but there were alot of gothic literature in this story, it had alot of illness and darkness. The effects in this story had great elements and it appeared gothic very well.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Last but not lest gothic element was death. Why i say death is one of the element because, Roderick Usher sister Mandine had die well at lest they through she was dead.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the writer move from one main idea to the next.

The writer’s conclusion is limited as well. It does not summarize main ideas or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. In fact, the writer goes off on a tangent about unanswered questions; this leaves the readers confused and without a sense of closure. (“The Fall of the house of usher was a gothic story as you can see my three main reason why i think it was a gothic. But its a good story to read because it make you what's going to happen next. this story was more like a mystery it had unanswered question and an order to answer these unanswered question you had to put to and to together to get what your looking. Until this day i have unanswered question because gothic is way different from now.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Simple and repetitive word choices affect the credibility of the writer. (“but there were alot of gothic literature in this story, it had alot of illness and darkness. The effects in this story had great elements and it appeared gothic very well.”)

There are syntax issues throughout the essay that affect meaning. (“Roderick Usher is friend that he haven't seen in along time a letter. Telling him how he was suffering from a rather stage illnesses. Roderick friend came to come see him which is narrator. As soon as the narrator walk in Roderick room he could tell that Roderick was suffering from ‘a morbid acuteness of the seance's' as he looked around the room the narrator just knew that it was the house was what got him like that. But Roderick wasn't the only person in the house he had a sister name Madeline she was very ill too. Madeline had a transient affections of her character which cause her to lose consciousness and feeling.”)

There are weak sentence structures throughout the essay that contribute to an ineffective message for the intended audience. (“What makes it so bad was when the narrator walk in the house the inside fit the outside of the house. the rooms were very dull they black and gray it made you feel like you really could move around. the narrator just didn't feel right and that house and he know that if the didn't fell why should Rderick fell right. it seem as if the house was making them sick. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Although line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, there are distracting errors in spelling and grammar. (“Last but not lest gothic element was death. Why i say death is one of the element because, Roderick Usher sister Mandine had die well at lest they through she was dead. Madeline already didn't talk to nobody nor did she do anybody at all.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Edgar Allen Poe was the main reason for the gothic movement in the U. S. Becuase his movement encouraged the gothics in the world to come forward. In his short story ''the Fall of the House of Usher, '' Poe attempts to teach the lesson that leads to one's own downfall as guilt gets the best of him. Poe does this by using various literary devices like irony, suspense, and tone. Some of this devices help the gothic movement come forward. Also the Fall of the House of Usher has that such frightening imagery that it gioves one shivers and relief that it is just a work of fiction.

His peom also helped the gothic movement becuase of the house in the poem the fall of the house of usher. It helped the gothic movement becuase the settin g of the poem was scary7. The way he descirbed the house with the trees and old and broken stuff all over. Thats how he helped the gothic movement in the U. S. Despite the scary and voilent action this gothic story has remained one of Poe's most popular short stories. For the help of the gothic movement and the suspense of his stories.

In conclusion without edgar allen poes stories the gothic movement may had never came forward. So i think in my opinio it was a awesome thing what poe did so that the gothic movement could come forward. Like one of his stories the fall of the house of usher and the raven really helped the gothic movement come forward.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not provide a central/controlling idea that leads the readers through an analysis of Gothic elements contained in Poe’s short story. Instead, the writer focuses on the Gothic movement, leaving the readers a bit confused. (“Edgar Allen Poe was the main reason for the gothic movement in the U. S. Becuase his movement encouraged the gothics in the world to come forward. In his short story ‘the Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe attempts to teach the lesson that leads to one's own downfall as guilt gets the best of him. Poe does this by using various literary devices like irony, suspense, and tone. Some of this devices help the gothic movement come forward. Also the Fall of the House of Usher has that such frightening imagery that it gioves one shivers and relief that it is just a work of fiction.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not contain enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to appreciate an analysis of the Gothic elements found in Poe’s short story. (“His peom also helped the gothic movement becuase of the house in the poem the fall of the house of usher. It helped the gothic movement becuase the settin g of the poem was scary7. The way he descirbed the house with the trees and old and broken stuff all over.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the Gothic elements demonstrated throughout Poe’s short story. (“Despite the scary and voilent action this gothic story has remained one of Poe's most popular short stories. For the help of the gothic movement and the suspense of his stories. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to explain some of the Gothic elements found in Poe’s story but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the elements included in the Gothic genre. (“Poe attempts to teach the lesson that leads to one's own downfall as guilt gets the best of him. Poe does this by using various literary devices like irony, suspense, and tone. Some of this devices help the gothic movement come forward. Also the Fall of the House of Usher has that such frightening imagery that it gioves one shivers and relief that it is just a work of fiction.”)

The writer needs to include relevant information from the text to assist the readers in understanding the connections between his/her ideas and the Gothic elements contained in the literary selection. (“It helped the gothic movement becuase the settin g of the poem was scary7. The way he descirbed the house with the trees and old and broken stuff all over.”)

The writer mentions events in the story that could potentially illustrate classic Gothic elements; however, without sufficient development of these ideas, the readers are left with many questions. (“Also the Fall of the House of Usher has that such frightening imagery that it gioves one shivers and relief that it is just a work of fiction. His peom also helped the gothic movement becuase of the house in the poem the fall of the house of usher.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits little evidence of an effective introduction. The writer’s thesis focuses on the Gothic movement instead of specific Gothic elements found in Poe’s short story. (“Edgar Allen Poe was the main reason for the gothic movement in the U. S. Becuase his movement encouraged the gothics in the world to come forward. In his short story ‘the Fall of the House of Usher,’ Poe attempts to teach the lesson that leads to one's own downfall as guilt gets the best of him. Poe does this by using various literary devices like irony, suspense, and tone. Some of this devices help the gothic movement come forward.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs that emphasize specific Gothic elements that are prevalent in the short story. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“His peom also helped the gothic movement becuase of the house in the poem the fall of the house of usher. It helped the gothic movement becuase the settin g of the poem was scary7. The way he descirbed the house with the trees and old and broken stuff all over. Thats how he helped the gothic movement in the U.S.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“In conclusion without edgar allen poes stories the gothic movement may had never came forward. So i think in my opinio it was a awesome thing what poe did so that the gothic movement could come forward. Like one of his stories the fall of the house of usher and the raven really helped the gothic movement come forward.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“For the help of the gothic movement and the suspense of his stories. ”)

The essay lacks effective voice and style; this affects the credibility of the writer. (“Like one of his stories the fall of the house of usher and the raven really helped the gothic movement come forward. ”)

The writer’s word choices are simple, repetitive, and informal in many portions of the essay. (“In conclusion without edgar allen poes stories the gothic movement may had never came forward. So i think in my opinio it was a awesome thing what poe did so that the gothic movement could come forward. Like one of his stories the fall of the house of usher and the raven really helped the gothic movement come forward. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs; however, there are significant errors in spelling and grammar. (“His peom also helped the gothic movement becuase of the house in the poem the fall of the house of usher. It helped the gothic movement becuase the settin g of the poem was scary7. The way he descirbed the house with the trees and old and broken stuff all over. Thats how he helped the gothic movement in the U. S.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light? Hearing voices and sounds from the vault from Madeline who was dead and in her casket was also a point in the story that was spooky. But finding that she was clawing through the inside of the casket was even more crazy scary. Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state an effective central/controlling idea. The essay is unfocused, which leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying about the Gothic elements used by Poe in the short story and how those ideas relate to the purpose of the essay. (“I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light?”)

The essay reveals inadequate connections among the details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue and the analysis of the literary selection. (“But finding that she was clawing through the inside of the casket was even more crazy scary.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Some ideas leave the readers with questions. (“Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development of ideas are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer does not provide enough information from the text for the readers to understand the connections between the main ideas and events occurring in the story. The writer does not effectively analyze the Gothic elements found in the short story. (“Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light? Hearing voices and sounds from the vault from Madeline who was dead and in her casket was also a point in the story that was spooky. But finding that she was clawing through the inside of the casket was even more crazy scary. Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate; it does not contain a clear sentence that explains what the writer will explore throughout the essay. (“I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light? ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices would have helped the writer move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“But finding that she was clawing through the inside of the casket was even more crazy scary. Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. ”)

The writer does not include a recognizable conclusion. A strong conclusion should contain a summary of the writer’s main ideas and give the readers a sense of closure. (“Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light? ”)

The writer employs informal language that affects his/her credibility. (“But finding that she was clawing through the inside of the casket was even more crazy scary. ”)

Sentence structures are weak; they interfere with the effectiveness of the intended message . (“Her hand was full of blood especially where her finger tips were. Lots of unexplainable things were happening inside the house but no one could suspect it. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break should be used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. There are many distracting errors in spelling and grammar. (“I think that there are some darkness or gothic in this story because it takes place in this mansion that mainly always dark because Edgar Allen Poe didnt like the light which is kind of creepy and suspicious because what person doesnt like the light?”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Hasty Decisions in Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet has often been discussed as a story of hasty decisions. In a well-developed essay, provide support for this statement. Remember to include specific details and examples from the novel in your essay.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When a man and a woman fall in love, they sometimes make the mistake of thinking with their hearts instead of their minds. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet tells the tale of two young lovers, both naive when it comes to finding true love, who fall in love at first sight. From the moment that they both set eyes on each other, the world seemed to simply fall apart at their feet. This very action unleashed a chain of hasty and haphazard decisions in love, fate, and in death. Love truly has a strange effect on peoples' minds, altering all perception and erasing the line between what is right and what is wrong. Both Romeo and Juliet have had their moments throughout their short-lived relationship and in the end, these hasty decisions cost them their lives.

The endless chain of mindless and senseless actions begins at a party thrown by the Capulet family, which Romeo, a Montague, chooses to attend. Recovering from his previous infatuation with Rosaline, Romeo attends the masquerade ball to simply help him clear his mind. At the ball, Romeo sets his eyes on Lord and Lady Capulet's daughter, the angelic Juliet. Romeo then questions his past love life by asking, "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight, For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night" (Act I, Scene V, lines 59-60). By claiming that this is true love, Romeo throws away the rest of his life and all other possibilities of finding true love. True love is rarely found in the course of a single evening. One must explore all of the opportunities that life and love have to offer.

After a single evening of declaring their love for each other, one thing proves to lead to another and soon they are engaged to be married, secretly. Romeo meets Juliet at her balcony, where they further exchange words of love and dedication. Upset by dissatisfaction, unable to receive and deflower his lady Juliet, he resorts to proposing marriage, desperate to claim her as his own. After making a final attempt to copulate with her, she once again refuses and also desperate to please her lover, asks if there is anything that she could do. Romeo responds, "Th' exchange of they love's faithful vow for mine" (Act II, Scene II, line 134). Seemingly blindly, Juliet agrees to this proposal and they begin to plan their route to marriage through the kind Friar Lawrence. Falling in love with Juliet was a hasty enough decision and adding the fuel of marriage to the already burning fire of love and passion would soon cause an inferno.

Already secretly wed, Romeo and Juliet begin a life of endless secrecy. Oblivious to both their marriage and their engagement, Juliet's parents continue to plan her marriage to Prince Paris. Too loyal to leave her sweet Romeo for the beloved Prince Paris, Juliet and the Friar make a plot to trick both Paris and the Capulets into thinking that she has quietly passed in her sleep. Juliet consumes a sleeping serum, putting her under long enough to evade the ensuing wedding date with Paris . The families are deceived and Juliet is sent to the mortuary to lie beside the body of her previously slain cousin Tybalt. Romeo receives word of his lady's death and unable to bear the pain of Juliet's death, plans his own suicide. He runs to the apothecary to purchase a vile of deadly poison. After receiving the vile, he makes his way to the resting place of Juliet and there, consumes the deadly liquid. This decision in itself was a hasty one, for he was to preoccupied with sorrow to take the time and notice that Juliet still maintained a constant body temperature and was still breathing. "Thou art not conquered. Beauty's ensign is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks..." says Romeo, revealing that there is still life in the body of his lover. By thinking with his heart instead of his mind, Romeo once again threw away all possibilities of ever forming a relationship with his Juliet.

The underestimated power of love has played a great part in the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Love not always is the main factor in altering one's perception, but a person's emotions usually is. Thinking with your heart instead of your mind is a dangerous gamble and when most people take this chance, they wind up losing not only everything that they had, but also everything that they could have had. Romeo and Juliet not only lost each other, but also their futures. It is always wise to think things through before you act. One may listen to dozens of morals discussing this important lesson but it usually takes a tragedy like this to open one's eyes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer develops an exceptionally effective and insightful analysis of Romeo and Juliet’s actions. (“Love truly has a strange effect on peoples' minds, altering all perception and erasing the line between what is right and what is wrong. Both Romeo and Juliet have had their moments throughout their short-lived relationship and in the end, these hasty decisions cost them their lives.”) In this thorough and focused examination, the writer maintains his/her arguments and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the audience.

Content & Development

The writer’s examination of the play is very thorough and accurate. The writer uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and other sources, which are then fully explained and interpreted through high-level connections. (“At the ball, Romeo sets his eyes on Lord and Lady Capulet's daughter, the angelic Juliet. Romeo then questions his past love life by asking, ‘Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight, For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night’ (Act I, Scene V, lines 59-60). By claiming that this is true love, Romeo throws away the rest of his life and all other possibilities of finding true love. True love is rarely found in the course of a single evening.”) By doing this, the student goes beyond superficial interpretation to complete an in-depth analysis supported by the text.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective and unified manner. The introduction begins by attempting to attract the readers’ attention (“When a man and a woman fall in love, they sometimes make the mistake of thinking with their hearts instead of their minds. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet tells the tale of two young lovers, both naive when it comes to finding true love, who fall in love at first sight.”), then proceeds to establish a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and transitional device. (“After a single evening of declaring their love for each other, one thing proves to lead to another and soon they are engaged to be married, secretly.”) Additionally, the concluding paragraph successfully summarizes the writer’s main points and explains the lesson he/she learned from the play.

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The writer uses precise and artful word choice to convey his/her message. (“This very action unleashed a chain of hasty and haphazard decisions in love, fate, and in death.”) A clear and defined voice is also demonstrated in this response. (“Falling in love with Juliet was a hasty enough decision and adding the fuel of marriage to the already burning fire of love and passion would soon cause an inferno.”) Additionally, sentences show good structure and variety. (“Oblivious to both their marriage and their engagement, Juliet's parents continue to plan her marriage to Prince Paris. Too loyal to leave her sweet Romeo for the beloved Prince Paris, Juliet and the Friar make a plot to trick both Paris and the Capulets into thinking that she has quietly passed in her sleep.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay displays very effective use of mechanics and conventions, with few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Furthermore, any mistakes that do exist do not detract from the intended message. (“Recovering from his previous infatuation with Rosaline, Romeo attends the masquerade ball to simply help him clear his mind.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The play of Romeo and Juliet is full of hasty decisions. Romeo and Juliet were more about following their lips than their heart. Sure they thought they were in the deepest of passions, but they needed to really know each other before they started galloping off to the Churchill. The hasty decisions made throughout the whole play made the deaths of the two teens.

From the start of the play hasty decisions were made, like when Juliet wanted to marry Romeo so fast. I know she did it because she didn’t want to marry Paris but it was too fast for both of them. She should have told her parents about Romeo. If she hadn’t married Romeo that day he would have never ran into Mercutio and would have never seen Tybalt kill him. Then by the time he found out about it the Prince would have had his way with Tybalt, then Romeo wouldn’t have been banished forever. The fact that Friar Laurence married the two without any consent from the parents just seems like it is so wrong. Friar Laurence should have known better as a holy man then to marry them so quickly.

Romeo made the decision to go kill Tybalt. He made the decision to go ruin his and his wife’s lives by killing Tybalt. This is one of the worst hasty decisions in the whole play. He made it without any thought about what if could do to his life and his wife’s. Because he went after Tybalt after he killed Mercutio the prince had to punish him for not obeying him. The punishment was not death, oh no, he was banished from his life for all time. He was banished from his future with his wife. All his hopes in dreams died with Tybalt. This was the worst decision he made in the play, its what made it turn into a tragedy.

When Juliet went to speak with Friar Laurence about not wanting to marry Paris , they made a huge hasty decision. They decided to pretend for her to die in bed on her wedding eve and go to the crypt to find Romeo waiting for her… bad. This was also a decision that leaded to a lot of bad things, like when Romeo finds out about Juliet, he goes to kill himself next to his love. This also lead to the death of Paris , when Romeo kills him when he tries to get Romeo the leave. Doing all this leads to the death of Romeo and Juliet, and it also makes me lose all respect for Friar Laurence when he runs away because he is afraid someone is coming. Because he runs away Juliet kills herself.

When Romeo found out that Juliet was “dead” he went to the crypt, prepared to kill himself. He did not know all the facts about his wife’s death and he was to hasty. He should have went, but to grieve and not kill himself. If he had waited minutes later he would have seen his wife rise from the dead as if a miracle had occurred. But he went and killed himself, only to be with his true love when you know that Juliet would have wanted him to live even is she really did die. Then when Romeo did kill himself Juliet arises only to find her true love on the floor. She made the other hasty decision in this section too. She took her happy dagger and stabbed herself. She shouldn’t have killed herself, Romeo wouldn’t have wanted her to. Before that Friar Laurence left her alone in the crypt even though he knew what she was going to do. As a respected holy man he should have known to try and stop her from slaying herself. But he was afraid of what the prince would do to him instead of wondering what he should do about Juliet.

Hasty decisions where the foundation for this play. Without them the whole play would have never been able to do anything that the play was trying to make you feel, sadness. Instead it would be one of those happy plays where everything works out. The death of Romeo and Juliet was a terrible tragedy but it could have been avoided without these decisions but it wouldn’t have been as good.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a thorough analysis of Romeo and Juliet and the hasty decisions that led to their deaths. In the introduction, the writer establishes a focused controlling idea. (“The hasty decisions made throughout the whole play made the deaths of the two teens.”) Clear connections are made between the play and the assignment. The writer demonstrates a clear understanding of the purpose of the assignment and his/her audience.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the play. For example, in the third paragraph, the writer provides a full explanation of Romeo’s hasty decision and its consequences. (“He made the decision to go ruin his and his wife’s lives by killing Tybalt. This is one of the worst hasty decisions in the whole play. He made it without any thought about what if could do to his life and his wife’s. Because he went after Tybalt after he killed Mercutio the prince had to punish him for not obeying him. The punishment was not death, oh no, he was banished from his life for all time.”) By including information and details from the text, the writer is able to effectively sustain his/her ideas.

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction starts off by attempting to gain the readers’ interest (“The play of Romeo and Juliet is full of hasty decisions. Romeo and Juliet were more about following their lips than their heart.”) and proceeds to establish a controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence and transitional device. (“From the start of the play hasty decisions were made, like when Juliet wanted to marry Romeo so fast.”) Additionally, the conclusion appropriately ends with the writer’s thoughtful opinion. (“The death of Romeo and Juliet was a terrible tragedy but it could have been avoided without these decisions but it wouldn’t have been as good.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates appropriate sentence structure, as well as some evidence of voice. (“The punishment was not death, oh no, he was banished from his life for all time. He was banished from his future with his wife. All his hopes in dreams died with Tybalt.”) Although word choice is occasionally confused (“Sure they thought they were in the deepest of passions, but they needed to really know each other before they started galloping off to the Churchill.”), it does not detract from the writer’s overall message.

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in mechanics and conventions, the mistakes in spelling (“Hasty decisions where the foundation”), grammar (“This also lead”), and punctuation (“This was the worst decision he made in the play, its what made it turn into a tragedy.”) are few and do not interfere with the presentation of the response.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Romeo and Juliet is a book of love and tragedy caused by the hate of two families, but was mostly caused by the hasty decisions of two young people. They were acting hasty when they met, they were hasty when they got married, and they were tragically hasty in the end at their deaths. Their decisions make the book as famous as it is.

Romeo breaks up with Roseline and is depressed. He explains how he is living in a life of darkness without Roseline in his life. He says living life is like walking through darkness, but when he meets Juliet, he becomes enlightened. He says she teaches flames to burn brighter. His hasty decision is that he kisses her at the party of the Capulets, just having met her a few moments before. He tells her he wants to kiss her as the first thing he ever says to her. Even if their love is absolutly true, this would still be a forward, hasty choice.

The second hasty the two make is to get married. Not only are they too young (Romeo being 18 and Juliet being 13) they make the choice of getting married the night after they meet. They do realize they are of rivaled houses, but they think their love is more powerful than their families' hate of eachother. Showing from his actions, it seems Romeo just "wants kids." Getting married the day after you meet is a very hasty choice between Romeo and Juliet, especially because it was done in secret.

In the end, the two make many very hasty choices. The first is that Juliet takes the potion from Friar Lawrence, knowing the chances that the plan with not work. The second mistake is that Romeo buys the poison from the Apothecary, and kills himself. The third mistake is that Juliet stabs herself and dies. If either one of them was dead, the other could live on. These are just some hasty choices made in the book.

In conclusion, Romeo And Juliet made hasty choices that affected their lives greatly. Romeo was hasty at the Capulet's party. They were both hasty when they got married. And yet again, they were both hasty in killing themselves in the end. If you think about it, their love overcame everything, even the fear of death. Love is a very strong bind.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate analysis of the text. The writer clearly attempts to establish the notion that Romeo and Juliet is a play based on the hasty decisions of its characters. (“Romeo and Juliet is a book of love and tragedy caused by the hate of two families, but was mostly caused by the hasty decisions of two young people.”) This response maintains the controlling idea through a basic interpretation and demonstrates some understanding of the purpose of the assignment and the intended audience.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the writer’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the second paragraph, the student uses examples from the text to support his/her ideas. (“He explains how he is living in a life of darkness without Roseline in his life. He says living life is like walking through darkness, but when he meets Juliet, he becomes enlightened. He says she teaches flames to burn brighter. His hasty decision is that he kisses her at the party of the Capulets, just having met her a few moments before.”) Using precise examples in the response adds to the writer’s validity and understanding.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introduction attempts to gain the readers’ interest and then proceeds to establish an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“Romeo and Juliet is a book of love and tragedy caused by the hate of two families, but was mostly caused by the hasty decisions of two young people. They were acting hasty when they met, they were hasty when they got married, and they were tragically hasty in the end at their deaths.”) Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence and transitional device. (“In the end, the two make many very hasty choices.”) Also, the last paragraph concludes the essay by reiterating important ideas. (“In conclusion, Romeo And Juliet made hasty choices that affected their lives greatly…If you think about it, their love overcame everything, even the fear of death.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is appropriate, and the student demonstrates some awareness of voice. (“He says living life is like walking through darkness, but when he meets Juliet, he becomes enlightened. He says she teaches flames to burn brighter.”) Additionally, sentences show some variety and adequate structure. (“Getting married the day after you meet is a very hasty choice between Romeo and Juliet, especially because it was done in secret.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates adequate control over mechanics and conventions in the essay. He/she does commit a few errors in the mechanics of standard written English. However, the mistakes in grammar, punctuation, and spelling do not significantly interfere with the intended message. (“Even if their love is absolutly true, this would still be a forward, hasty choice. … In conclusion, Romeo And Juliet made hasty choices that affected their lives greatly.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

n by William Shakespeare. In the play there were alot of hasty decisions made. One decision is when Romeo and Juliet saw each other and wanted to get married in one day. Another was when Julit took the sleeping potion to make it look like she is dead. One more decision is when Romeo killed tybalt for killing Mercutio.

Secondly, when Juliet took the sleeping potion to make it look like she was dead. This was alos a cause of them getting killed because Romeo thought that Juliet was dead so he took a potion to kill himself. It was also hasty of Juliet to take that potion because she didn't know what it was and it could have killed her. In a way it also lead to her death also. Because she killed herself because Romeo killed himself because he thought that Juliet was dead.

Finally, the last decision that that thought was very hasty was when Romeo killed Tybalt because of Mercutios death. He shouldnt have done that because he got in alot of trouble and he was away from Juliet. This is also linked to there killings too. If Romeo wasnt banished then Juliet wouldnt have to have taken the potion so they wouldnt have died when Romeo came back.

So, those are some of the major hasty decisions made in Romeo and Juliet. First they got married in one day. Secondly Juliet took the potion. And Finally, Romeo kiled Tybalt. All of those things led to The deaths of Romeo and Juliet. It was a very exiting and thilling book to read.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the writer attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“In the play there were alot of hasty decisions made.”) However, the writer demonstrates only a limited ability to maintain and develop this argument through his/her response, which demonstrates only a basic analysis of the play and makes few connections between the assignment and the text. This essay lacks adequate focus and sufficient meaning.

Content & Development

Although the writer does provide some examples to support his/her arguments, they are limited in their development. For example, in the second paragraph, the student tries to explain that Juliet’s decision to drink the potion was a hasty decision; however, the argument is not clearly stated or sufficiently supported. (“It was also hasty of Juliet to take that potion because she didn't know what it was and it could have killed her. In a way it also lead to her death also. Because she killed herself because Romeo killed himself because he thought that Juliet was dead.”) The response could be greatly improved with more relevant and specific details and connections.

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this essay, but it is uncertain and ineffective. An attempt at an introduction is noticeable. However, it seems more like a list of hasty decisions than an adequate introduction to this student’s response. (“One decision is when Romeo and Juliet saw each other and wanted to get married in one day. Another was when Julit took the sleeping potion to make it look like she is dead. One more decision is when Romeo killed tybalt for killing Mercutio.”) Although the student is certainly able to use transitional devices (“Secondly” and “Finally”), the organization of the body of the essay lacks proper structure and focus. Additionally, the concluding paragraph of the essay mirrors the introduction by listing, once again, the hasty decisions seen in the play.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this response is only partially adequate. The writer often uses vague and repetitive word choice. (“In a way it also lead to her death also. Because she killed herself because Romeo killed himself because he thought that Juliet was dead.”) Sentence structure can occasionally prove to be weak as well. (“If Romeo wasnt banished then Juliet wouldnt have to have taken the potion so they wouldnt have died when Romeo came back.”) Word choice and sentence structure could be greatly improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some limited control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“Julit”), grammar (“it also lead to her death”), and punctuation (“wouldnt”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

This is an essay/story about hasty decisions which can sometimes mean a bad ending in the play Romeo and Juliet by a guy named William Shakespeare who died on April 23,1616 and was buried on April 25,1616. I'm supposed to be writing this essay for my English teacher Ms. Mitchell.

One way it was hasty or came to a bad ending in the play Romeo and Juliet was when in Act 1( Pg.21,line 96) when Juliet had to marry Prince Paris and she's only fourteen and dosen't even know him or love him so she's not ready yet. So that's how it came to a bad ending for Juliet.

Another way it was hasty or came to a bad ending when in Act 2 when they were all set to marry each other to end their families feud of ancient grudge of Montague and Capulet an they were hasty to do it without much thought but love, and didn't think that maybe their families enjoyed fighting.

A diffferent way it was hasty or came to bad ending or was when in Act 3, Juliet's cousin Tybalt kills Romeo's best friend Mercuito,and then Romeo kills Tybalt and then the state makes Romeo leave and Juliet has to marry Prince Paris instead of Romeo.

Now you see how it was hasty or came to a bad ending in Romeo and Juliet and how these families will never end their feud, and I think what's best for them is to stay away from each other

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

While the essay provides an attempt at establishing a central idea, the thesis is not fully developed or even clearly understood. (“This is an essay/story about hasty decisions which can sometimes mean a bad ending in the play Romeo and Juliet by a guy named William Shakespeare who died on April 23,1616 and was buried on April 25,1616.”) There is no clear analysis completed, nor is there a sense of clarity concerning the purpose of this task or how to complete this assignment. The focus and meaning in this essay are quite minimal.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this response are inadequate and insufficient. Although the writer does state a few hasty decisions made by the characters in the play, there are no examples or details to support the arguments. The concepts are not clearly or fully presented. (“One way it was hasty or came to a bad ending in the play Romeo and Juliet was when in Act 1( Pg.21,line 96) when Juliet had to marry Prince Paris and she's only fourteen and dosen't even know him or love him so she's not ready yet. So that's how it came to a bad ending for Juliet.”) The writer’s reasoning lacks support in its attempt to create meaningful content and development.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this response. The introduction does little to explain the point of the assignment and prepare readers for the response. (“I'm supposed to be writing this essay for my English teacher Ms. Mitchell.”) Although transitional devices are evident (“Another way it was hasty”), the essay lacks properly developed paragraphs and sufficient structure. The concluding paragraph consists of only one sentence, which is not fully relevant or appropriate. (“Now you see how it was hasty or came to a bad ending in Romeo and Juliet and how these families will never end their feud, and I think what's best for them is to stay away from each other.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses poor word choice to communicate his/her ideas and often seems unaware of the audience. This student also makes basic errors in sentence structure and language use. (“Another way it was hasty or came to a bad ending when in Act 2 when they were all set to marry each other to end their families feud of ancient grudge of Montague and Capulet an they were hasty to do it without much thought but love, and didn't think that maybe their families enjoyed fighting.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates only minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation, spelling, and grammar question the writer’s ability to adequately control the conventions of writing. (“A diffferent way it was hasty or came to bad ending or was when in Act 3, Juliet's cousin Tybalt kills Romeo's best friend Mercuito,and then Romeo kills Tybalt and then the state makes Romeo leave and Juliet has to marry Prince Paris instead of Romeo.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

romeo and juliet is a story about hasty decisions because its about two lovers who fall in love at first sight. they then figure out that their families were enemies. then after they figure out there problems they get married . in my oppinion thats to soon because they could have waited like ms carson she waited until she was thirty nine .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer fails to establish an analysis of the text. Although there is some evidence of a controlling idea (“romeo and juliet is a story about hasty decisions because its about two lovers who fall in love at first sight.”), it is not clearly defined nor is it maintained throughout the response. The writer fails to demonstrate any understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

The content and development in this essay are inadequate and insufficient. No reasons are suggested to support why the characters’ decisions are hasty. The only noticeable supporting detail is the student’s own opinion of the characters’ actions. (“then after they figure out there problems they get married . in my oppinion thats to soon because they could have waited like ms carson she waited until she was thirty nine .”) However, the reason given is completely inappropriate for this task. No meaningful content is established or developed in this response.

Organization

In this short response, there is no distinguishable organization. The response consists of only three sentences and contains no evidence of structure. There is no introduction or conclusion. Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques. (“romeo and juliet is a story about hasty decisions because its about two lovers who fall in love at first sight. they then figure out that their families were enemies. then after they figure out there problems they get married . in my oppinion thats to soon because they could have waited like ms carson she waited until she was thirty nine .”)

Language Use & Style

Even in such a short response, it is evident that the writer has difficulty using proper and appropriate language. (“they then figure out that their families were enemies. then after they figure out there problems they get married”) Sentence structure and word choice are faulty and inadequate. (“in my oppinion thats to soon because they could have waited like ms carson she waited until she was thirty nine .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response, the writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions and has poor control over standard written English. The errors in spelling (“oppinion”), punctuation (“ms carson”), and grammar (“in my oppinion thats to soon because they could have waited like ms carson she waited until she was thirty nine .”) are distracting to the readers.

Heroism in Things Fall Apart

A hero is a character who is remembered and admired for accomplishing great things, while a tragic hero is one who attempts to do great things, but ultimately falls short and fails. In the novel Things Fall Apart , Okonkwo defends his traditions and culture after the arrival of the European colonists. He is a hero in his own mind, but others view him more as a tragic figure, a fierce traditionalist who would stop at nothing to force others to conform to his beliefs.

What do you think? Is Okonkwo a hero or a tragic hero? Defend your interpretation with specific reasons and details about Okonkwo's actions and character.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In African author Chinua Achebe's contemporary novel, "Things Fall Apart," the question arises of whether or not Okonkwo, the main character, is a hero. Set in the village of Umuofia, Africa, Okonkwo sees himself as a hero because he has accomplished so much in his lifetime. However, Okonkwo should probably be classified under the "tragic" category; simply, his whole being defines the definition of a tragic hero. He attempts to do great things, by rising from nothing and carving a name out for himself in society, but ultimately he falls short and fails miserably. The reader knows in the end that he has indeed failed in his life because he commits suicide after finding no more reason to live. There are three major reasons why Okonkwo embodies the ideal tragic hero, and why his life is in a continuous downward spiral. For one, Okonkwo is overly obsessive about success: He is paranoid that his son, Nwoye, will one day grow up to be a lazy failure like his own father. Okonkwo is afraid to show affection or love because he thinks it shows weakness. Okonkwo is also very violent because he thinks that violence is the sign of a true man. In the end, the readers discover just how wrong he was.

Okonkwo worked very hard to insure that his own life would not be like his fathers. He loathed his father, Unoka, because he was lazy, sensitive, a debtor, and in Okonkwo's eye's, a failure. In the novel it states that Okonkwo "Had no patience with unsuccessful men. He had no patience with his father...Unoka the grown-up was a failure...when Unoka died he had taken no title at all and he was heavily in debt. Any wonder then that his son was ashamed of him?" (2-5) As a result, Okonkwo turns about to be obsessed with success: he takes drastic measures to insure that he would never be seen as a "women" like his father. When he is a man and has his own children, he is paranoid that his son Nwoye will grow up to be a failure like Unoka. "Okonkwo's first son, Nwoye...was already causing his father great anxiety for his incipient laziness. At any rate, that was how it looked to his father, and he sought to correct him by constant beating and nagging." (11) Nwoye, instead of being molded into his father's idea of a perfect son, grows into a "sad-faced youth" (11) and eventually converts to Christianity and defies his father's costumes. Nwoye's conversion is part of the reason why Okonkwo committed suicide. All of Okonkwo's worrying about success and perfection proved to be useless: His son was a failure, so he essentially saw himself as a failure.

Okonkwo is also afraid to show affection, love, or his sensitive side. He thinks that affection is a sure sign of weakness. Even though Okonkwo is extremely fond of Ikemefuna, a boy that was taken from a neighboring village and placed in his household, he shows no signs of affection whatsoever. Even when the village decides that Ikemefuna must die, Okonkwo decides he must attend Ikemefuna's execution, because from his point of view, not going would prove him unmanly. As the men the men of the village try to kill him, Ikemefuna runs toward Okonkwo. "'My father, they have killed me!' as he ran towards him. Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak." (53) Even though Okonkwo really did love Ikemefuna, he killed the boy that called him father for fear of being identified as a weakling.

Violence is one of Okonkwo signature traits. He constantly beats his wives and children, he kills Ikemefuna, and in the end, he turns violent towards himself and commits suicide. In one such case he also kills a Christian man. "In a flash Okonkwo drew his machete... Okonkwo's machete descended twice and the man's head lay beside his uniformed body. The waiting backcloth jumped into tumultuous life...He knew that Umuofia would not go to war." (176) At this point in the story, Okonkwo realizes that his people will never embrace his way of living violently. Okonkwo sees suicide as the only solution. Since he cannot be violent towards others anymore, he turns violent towards himself. This is the part in the novel that Okonkwo really picks up on his role as a tragic hero: he falls short of his goals and fails.

Okonkwo really is the perfect literary example of a tragic hero. He tried so hard to accomplish great things in life, but he could not adapt to changes in his customs. He ultimately ends up being a total failure as a man and hangs himself as a result. As Okonkwo's father once told him "'Do not despair. I know you will not despair. You have a manly and proud heart. A proud heart can survive a general failure because such a failure does not prick its pride. It is more difficult and more bitter when a man fails alone.'" (21) But Okonkwo's manly and proud heart was ruined by despair, and he failed alone...very much alone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more crucial moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ Okonkwo worked very hard to insure that his own life would not be like his fathers. He loathed his father, Unoka, because he was lazy, sensitive, a debtor, and in Okonkwo's eye's, a failure. In the novel it states that Okonkwo ‘Had no patience with unsuccessful men. He had no patience with his father...Unoka the grown-up was a failure...when Unoka died he had taken no title at all and he was heavily in debt. Any wonder then that his son was ashamed of him?’ [2-5] As a result, Okonkwo turns about to be obsessed with success: he takes drastic measures to insure that he would never be seen as a ‘women’ like his father. When he is a man and has his own children, he is paranoid that his son Nwoye will grow up to be a failure like Unoka. ”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Okonkwo sees suicide as the only solution. Since he cannot be violent towards others anymore, he turns violent towards himself. This is the part in the novel that Okonkwo really picks up on his role as a tragic hero: he falls short of his goals and fails.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Okonkwo is also afraid to show affection, love, or his sensitive side. He thinks that affection is a sure sign of weakness. Even though Okonkwo is extremely fond of Ikemefuna, a boy that was taken from a neighboring village and placed in his household, he shows no signs of affection whatsoever. Even when the village decides that Ikemefuna must die, Okonkwo decides he must attend Ikemefuna's execution, because from his point of view, not going would prove him unmanly. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“When he is a man and has his own children, he is paranoid that his son Nwoye will grow up to be a failure like Unoka. ‘Okonkwo's first son, Nwoye...was already causing his father great anxiety for his incipient laziness. At any rate, that was how it looked to his father, and he sought to correct him by constant beating and nagging.’ [11] Nwoye, instead of being molded into his father's idea of a perfect son, grows into a ‘sad-faced youth’ [11] and eventually converts to Christianity and defies his father's costumes. Nwoye's conversion is part of the reason why Okonkwo committed suicide. All of Okonkwo's worrying about success and perfection proved to be useless: His son was a failure, so he essentially saw himself as a failure.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight the different qualities of a tragic hero to illustrate how clearly Okonkwo falls under this definition. (“Violence is one of Okonkwo signature traits. He constantly beats his wives and children, he kills Ikemefuna, and in the end, he turns violent towards himself and commits suicide. In one such case he also kills a Christian man. ‘In a flash Okonkwo drew his machete... Okonkwo's machete descended twice and the man's head lay beside his uniformed body. The waiting backcloth jumped into tumultuous life...He knew that Umuofia would not go to war.’ [176] At this point in the story, Okonkwo realizes that his people will never embrace his way of living violently. Okonkwo sees suicide as the only solution. Since he cannot be violent towards others anymore, he turns violent towards himself. This is the part in the novel that Okonkwo really picks up on his role as a tragic hero: he falls short of his goals and fails.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Okonkwo is also afraid to show affection, love, or his sensitive side. He thinks that affection is a sure sign of weakness. Even though Okonkwo is extremely fond of Ikemefuna, a boy that was taken from a neighboring village and placed in his household, he shows no signs of affection whatsoever. Even when the village decides that Ikemefuna must die, Okonkwo decides he must attend Ikemefuna's execution, because from his point of view, not going would prove him unmanly. As the men the men of the village try to kill him, Ikemefuna runs toward Okonkwo. ‘My father, they have killed me!' as he ran towards him. Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak.’ [53] Even though Okonkwo really did love Ikemefuna, he killed the boy that called him father for fear of being identified as a weakling.”)

Organization

The introduction engages the readers’ attention by distinguishing between a hero and a tragic hero. (“ In African author Chinua Achebe's contemporary novel, ‘Things Fall Apart,’ the question arises of whether or not Okonkwo, the main character, is a hero. Set in the village of Umuofia, Africa, Okonkwo sees himself as a hero because he has accomplished so much in his lifetime. However, Okonkwo should probably be classified under the ‘tragic’ category; simply, his whole being defines the definition of a tragic hero. He attempts to do great things, by rising from nothing and carving a name out for himself in society, but ultimately he falls short and fails miserably. The reader knows in the end that he has indeed failed in his life because he commits suicide after finding no more reason to live. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Okonkwo worked very hard to insure that his own life would not be like his fathers. He loathed his father, Unoka, because he was lazy, sensitive, a debtor, and in Okonkwo's eye's, a failure. In the novel it states that Okonkwo ‘Had no patience with unsuccessful men. He had no patience with his father...Unoka the grown-up was a failure...when Unoka died he had taken no title at all and he was heavily in debt. Any wonder then that his son was ashamed of him?’ [2-5] As a result, Okonkwo turns about to be obsessed with success: he takes drastic measures to insure that he would never be seen as a "women" like his father. ”)

The essay provides a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Okonkwo really is the perfect literary example of a tragic hero. He tried so hard to accomplish great things in life, but he could not adapt to changes in his customs. He ultimately ends up being a total failure as a man and hangs himself as a result. As Okonkwo's father once told him ‘Do not despair. I know you will not despair. You have a manly and proud heart. A proud heart can survive a general failure because such a failure does not prick its pride. It is more difficult and more bitter when a man fails alone.’ [21] But Okonkwo's manly and proud heart was ruined by despair, and he failed alone...very much alone.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in Okonkwo’s life and relates how these events shaped him into the tragic hero he ultimately became. (“ Okonkwo is also afraid to show affection, love, or his sensitive side. He thinks that affection is a sure sign of weakness. Even though Okonkwo is extremely fond of Ikemefuna, a boy that was taken from a neighboring village and placed in his household, he shows no signs of affection whatsoever. Even when the village decides that Ikemefuna must die, Okonkwo decides he must attend Ikemefuna's execution, because from his point of view, not going would prove him unmanly. As the men the men of the village try to kill him, Ikemefuna runs toward Okonkwo. ‘My father, they have killed me!' as he ran towards him. Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak.’ [53] Even though Okonkwo really did love Ikemefuna, he killed the boy that called him father for fear of being identified as a weakling.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of Okonkwo’s tragic qualities for readers so that by the end of the response, readers understand the events that defined Okonkwo as a tragic hero. (“ Okonkwo worked very hard to insure that his own life would not be like his fathers. He loathed his father, Unoka, because he was lazy, sensitive, a debtor, and in Okonkwo's eye's, a failure. In the novel it states that Okonkwo ‘Had no patience with unsuccessful men. He had no patience with his father...Unoka the grown-up was a failure...when Unoka died he had taken no title at all and he was heavily in debt. Any wonder then that his son was ashamed of him?’ [2-5] As a result, Okonkwo turns about to be obsessed with success: he takes drastic measures to insure that he would never be seen as a ‘women’ like his father. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“There are three major reasons why Okonkwo embodies the ideal tragic hero, and why his life is in a continuous downward spiral. For one, Okonkwo is overly obsessive about success: He is paranoid that his son, Nwoye, will one day grow up to be a lazy failure like his own father. Okonkwo is afraid to show affection or love because he thinks it shows weakness. Okonkwo is also very violent because he thinks that violence is the sign of a true man. In the end, the readers discover just how wrong he was.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Violence is one of Okonkwo signature traits. He constantly beats his wives and children, he kills Ikemefuna, and in the end, he turns violent towards himself and commits suicide. In one such case he also kills a Christian man. ‘In a flash Okonkwo drew his machete... Okonkwo's machete descended twice and the man's head lay beside his uniformed body. The waiting backcloth jumped into tumultuous life...He knew that Umuofia would not go to war.’ [176] At this point in the story, Okonkwo realizes that his people will never embrace his way of living violently. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In literature, there are two different kinds of heroes- heroes, and tragic heroes. A hero is a character who achieves great things and is remembered for doing so, while a tragic hero is a character who attempts this but fails in the end. In the novel Things Fall Apart, the main character Okonkwo is defined as a person with rigid beliefs and very little leniency towards those who do not share those beliefs. Some of his actions can be defined as heroic, while others fall into the tragic hero category. However, I believe that on a whole, Okonkwo is a tragic hero.

When the story begins, Okonkwo is immediately designated as a very intolerant man. He is described as a man who seemed to walk on springs, as if he was going to pounce on somebody. And he did pounce on people quite often. (page 4) The passage goes on to explain those with whom he has no patience, with the root of this intolerance and perhaps the focus of it being his father. In Okonkwo's eyes, his father was a failure because he accomplished very little. This in itself is a tragic hero tendency, to believe that one is worthless if they do not achieve anything worthwhile. Because of his intense hatred for his father, or more likely the failure that his father represented, he decided at an early age to be the opposite of everything his father was. In short, his goal was to achieve greatness and fame, a very tragic hero-like ideal.

Another reason Okonkwo could be deemed a tragic hero is because all of his actions are motivated by his pride. He is constantly worried about how he looks in the eyes of others, and hence, does things that he believes will make him look strong and masculine. He beats his wives and his children when they err to show his control over them. He also does things that make him seem fearless, such as joining the procession that led to the killing of Ikemefuna. An elder told him that it wasn't right to go because he and Ikemefuna had a nearly father-son relationship, but Okonkwo did not want to seem weak and sentimental by not going. Indeed, afterwards when he was feeling guilty for what he had done, he compared his emotions to those of a woman in order to snap himself out of the weak depression he was in: "How can a man who has killed five men in battle fall to pieces because he has added a boy to their number? Okonkwo, you have become a women indeed." (page 65) He symbolizes his dreaded weaknesses by comparing them to a woman's characteristics.

When the missionaries come to Umuofia, Okonkwo sees the changes that they are inflicting upon his home and decides to take up arms against them, regardless of the penalties that will no doubt come as a result of his actions. When time after time, he and other tribesmen strike and fail, he begins to lose hope. Finally, he is found dangling from a tree, having hanged himself because he felt that he could do no more. Upon seeing Okonkwo's body, Obierika does not show much sympathy. Instead, he remains sober and explains the tribal customs to the Commissioner and his men, explaining why they cannot cut Okonkwo down from the tree: "It is an abomination for a man to take his own life. It is an offense against the Earth, and a man who commits it will not be buried by his clansmen. His body is evil, and only strangers may touch it." (page 207) However, he does become agitated, yelling at the Commissioner, "That man was one of the greatest men in Umuofia. You drove him to kill himself; and now he will be buried like a dog..." (page 208) In this way, it shows that Okonkwo was thought highly of, but because of his suicide, he will be buried with shame.

Okonkwo's main goal in life was to be remembered by all, both during and after life, as a great and influential man. His motive was pride, as he was mostly concerned as to others' opinions of him. He succeeded in his goal during his lifetime, gaining favor and loyalty from his friends. However, the after-death part of his plan was ruined by his suicide, for he would be remembered by many as the abomination who was buried like a dog. In this way, because of his pride-driven actions and his overall dramatic failure in achieving his goals, Okonkwo can be designated as a tragic hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on many events in the story that clearly defined Okonkwo as a tragic hero. He/she is effective in this approach and maintains that focus throughout the essay. Providing more specific details about each event would support the main ideas more fully throughout the response. (“ Another reason Okonkwo could be deemed a tragic hero is because all of his actions are motivated by his pride. He is constantly worried about how he looks in the eyes of others, and hence, does things that he believes will make him look strong and masculine. He beats his wives and his children when they err to show his control over them. He also does things that make him seem fearless, such as joining the procession that led to the killing of Ikemefuna. An elder told him that it wasn't right to go because he and Ikemefuna had a nearly father-son relationship, but Okonkwo did not want to seem weak and sentimental by not going.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ In Okonkwo's eyes, his father was a failure because he accomplished very little. This in itself is a tragic hero tendency, to believe that one is worthless if they do not achieve anything worthwhile. Because of his intense hatred for his father, or more likely the failure that his father represented, he decided at an early age to be the opposite of everything his father was. In short, his goal was to achieve greatness and fame, a very tragic hero-like ideal.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the qualities in Okonkwo that define him as a tragic hero. (“ In the novel Things Fall Apart, the main character Okonkwo is defined as a person with rigid beliefs and very little leniency towards those who do not share those beliefs. Some of his actions can be defined as heroic, while others fall into the tragic hero category.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas rather clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support the stated thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“When the story begins, Okonkwo is immediately designated as a very intolerant man. He is described as a man who seemed to walk on springs, as if he was going to pounce on somebody. And he did pounce on people quite often. [page 4] The passage goes on to explain those with whom he has no patience, with the root of this intolerance and perhaps the focus of it being his father.”)

The essay includes specific details and quotations from characters with clear references to the story. (“ Upon seeing Okonkwo's body, Obierika does not show much sympathy. Instead, he remains sober and explains the tribal customs to the Commissioner and his men, explaining why they cannot cut Okonkwo down from the tree: ‘It is an abomination for a man to take his own life. It is an offense against the Earth, and a man who commits it will not be buried by his clansmen. His body is evil, and only strangers may touch it.’ [page 207] However, he does become agitated, yelling at the Commissioner, ‘That man was one of the greatest men in Umuofia. You drove him to kill himself; and now he will be buried like a dog...’ [page 208]”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Another reason Okonkwo could be deemed a tragic hero is because all of his actions are motivated by his pride. He is constantly worried about how he looks in the eyes of others, and hence, does things that he believes will make him look strong and masculine. He beats his wives and his children when they err to show his control over them. He also does things that make him seem fearless, such as joining the procession that led to the killing of Ikemefuna. An elder told him that it wasn't right to go because he and Ikemefuna had a nearly father-son relationship, but Okonkwo did not want to seem weak and sentimental by not going. Indeed, afterwards when he was feeling guilty for what he had done, he compared his emotions to those of a woman in order to snap himself out of the weak depression he was in: ‘How can a man who has killed five men in battle fall to pieces because he has added a boy to their number? Okonkwo, you have become a women indeed.’[page 65] He symbolizes his dreaded weaknesses by comparing them to a woman's characteristics.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay provides a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer outlines the difference between a hero and tragic hero and asserts his/her belief of which one Okonkwo is at the end of the introduction. (“ In literature, there are two different kinds of heroes- heroes, and tragic heroes. A hero is a character who achieves great things and is remembered for doing so, while a tragic hero is a character who attempts this but fails in the end. In the novel Things Fall Apart, the main character Okonkwo is defined as a person with rigid beliefs and very little leniency towards those who do not share those beliefs. Some of his actions can be defined as heroic, while others fall into the tragic hero category. However, I believe that on a whole, Okonkwo is a tragic hero.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ In Okonkwo's eyes, his father was a failure because he accomplished very little. This in itself is a tragic hero tendency, to believe that one is worthless if they do not achieve anything worthwhile. Because of his intense hatred for his father, or more likely the failure that his father represented, he decided at an early age to be the opposite of everything his father was. In short, his goal was to achieve greatness and fame, a very tragic hero-like ideal.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Okonkwo's main goal in life was to be remembered by all, both during and after life, as a great and influential man. His motive was pride, as he was mostly concerned as to others' opinions of him. He succeeded in his goal during his lifetime, gaining favor and loyalty from his friends. However, the after-death part of his plan was ruined by his suicide, for he would be remembered by many as the abomination who was buried like a dog. In this way, because of his pride-driven actions and his overall dramatic failure in achieving his goals, Okonkwo can be designated as a tragic hero.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ When the missionaries come to Umuofia, Okonkwo sees the changes that they are inflicting upon his home and decides to take up arms against them, regardless of the penalties that will no doubt come as a result of his actions. When time after time, he and other tribesmen strike and fail, he begins to lose hope. Finally, he is found dangling from a tree, having hanged himself because he felt that he could do no more.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay response. (“ He is constantly worried about how he looks in the eyes of others, and hence, does things that he believes will make him look strong and masculine. He beats his wives and his children when they err to show his control over them. He also does things that make him seem fearless, such as joining the procession that led to the killing of Ikemefuna. An elder told him that it wasn't right to go because he and Ikemefuna had a nearly father-son relationship, but Okonkwo did not want to seem weak and sentimental by not going. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Upon seeing Okonkwo's body, Obierika does not show much sympathy. Instead, he remains sober and explains the tribal customs to the Commissioner and his men, explaining why they cannot cut Okonkwo down from the tree: ‘It is an abomination for a man to take his own life. It is an offense against the Earth, and a man who commits it will not be buried by his clansmen. His body is evil, and only strangers may touch it.’ [page 207] However, he does become agitated, yelling at the Commissioner, ‘That man was one of the greatest men in Umuofia. You drove him to kill himself; and now he will be buried like a dog...’ [page 208] In this way, it shows that Okonkwo was thought highly of, but because of his suicide, he will be buried with shame.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ This in itself is a tragic hero tendency, to believe that one is worthless if they do not achieve anything worthwhile. Because of his intense hatred for his father, or more likely the failure that his father represented, he decided at an early age to be the opposite of everything his father was. In short, his goal was to achieve greatness and fame, a very tragic hero-like ideal. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"That man was one of the greatest men in Umofia. You drove him to kill himself; and now he will be buried like a dog." -Obierika.

In literature there are two types of heroes, the successful ones, and the ones who ultimately fall flat at the end. In the novel Things Fall Apart, the main character Okonkwo is the perfect example of a tragic hero. Through his desires and effort to be better than his father, he sadly has the same fate. Okonkwo is a powerful traditionalist who would have flourished in any other time, but couldn't adjust to the new lifestyle. This eventually would lead to his dismay.

When the book begins Okonkwo is known throughout his whole clan for his gift in wrestling and also manages to take two titles in his clan. Okonkwo has three spouses, a great number of children, and with his own nice farm, he thrives the life of a model in Umuofia. In addition to this amazing life he is given a boy Ikemefuna where his younger son has an older brother to look up to and Okonkwo gets the son he has always wanted and wished for. Okonkwo's tragic flaw begins to first take place when the Oracle decides Ikemefuna needs to be killed which is stunning for Okonkwo because the son has always wanted is now told he needs to be killed. Another character Ezeudu becomes another sign of horror and dismay when he warns Okonkwo not to have anything to do with this. "That boy calls you father. Do not bear a hand in his death." This is when the flaw becomes visible because Okonkwo's flaw is his pursuit of manliness. As the leader you can't be seen being weak in your tribe so Okonkwo decides to do the honor himself and kills Ikemefuna. "Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak."

Then to make things better the hero is exiled after killing the boy. Upon his return he finds that the missionaries have been having an immense influence on the Umuofia than before. Okonkwo is too much in the old tradition and has pride in his beliefs, so this makes it diffucult to adjust to the way the Europeans colonists have brought. This is very bad for Okonkwo because he was planning to make a big return in his village, but now the people are more concerned about the Europeans. This makes the situation much more worse than it already is.

Maybe if Okonkwo had been born during his fathers time he would have been an amazing person to have lead the people. The traditional ways have caused a hard time adjusting with this new religion. If Okonkwo's father had been born during this time period he would have been one of the first people to convert because he doesn't stand up for himself and his beliefs. His wife and children were very poor and they had to go hungry which is terrible because they had to suffer from a loafer. People talked about him and laughed saying he is a disgrace.

Another flaw that he had was that he always wanted to better himself and not be like his father. Instead of just living his life, he is always concerned about the failures of his father which makes him brash and very easy to anger. His inability to adjust to new rules is always in his way of being great person which he is because he has so much potential and to ruin it by hanging yourself was really a shame.

There have been many tragic heroes in literature and Okonkwo is an great example. He worked his whole life to better his life and not be like his father and how ironic they have the same fate.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer focuses on events that contribute to Okonkwo’s status as a tragic hero and provides adequate details so readers can imagine each scenario in their minds. (“Maybe if Okonkwo had been born during his fathers time he would have been an amazing person to have lead the people. The traditional ways have caused a hard time adjusting with this new religion. If Okonkwo's father had been born during this time period he would have been one of the first people to convert because he doesn't stand up for himself and his beliefs. His wife and children were very poor and they had to go hungry which is terrible because they had to suffer from a loafer. People talked about him and laughed saying he is a disgrace.”)

The writer maintains the same focus throughout the essay. He/she illustrates many of the flaws that contribute to the tragic hero status in Okonkwo. (“Another flaw that he had was that he always wanted to better himself and not be like his father. Instead of just living his life, he is always concerned about the failures of his father which makes him brash and very easy to anger. His inability to adjust to new rules is always in his way of being great person which he is because he has so much potential and to ruin it by hanging yourself was really a shame.”)

The writer highlights the evolution of Okonkwo from a good person to a tragic hero in a sequential manner. (“As the leader you can't be seen being weak in your tribe so Okonkwo decides to do the honor himself and kills Ikemefuna. ‘Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak.’ Then to make things better the hero is exiled after killing the boy. Upon his return he finds that the missionaries have been having an immense influence on the Umuofia than before. Okonkwo is too much in the old tradition and has pride in his beliefs, so this makes it diffucult to adjust to the way the Europeans colonists have brought. This is very bad for Okonkwo because he was planning to make a big return in his village, but now the people are more concerned about the Europeans. This makes the situation much more worse than it already is.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“This is when the flaw becomes visible because Okonkwo's flaw is his pursuit of manliness. As the leader you can't be seen being weak in your tribe so Okonkwo decides to do the honor himself and kills Ikemefuna. ‘Dazed with fear, Okonkwo drew his machete and cut him down. He was afraid of being thought weak.’”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ Another character Ezeudu becomes another sign of horror and dismay when he warns Okonkwo not to have anything to do with this. ‘That boy calls you father. Do not bear a hand in his death.’ This is when the flaw becomes visible because Okonkwo's flaw is his pursuit of manliness. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Then to make things better the hero is exiled after killing the boy. Upon his return he finds that the missionaries have been having an immense influence on the Umuofia than before. Okonkwo is too much in the old tradition and has pride in his beliefs, so this makes it diffucult to adjust to the way the Europeans colonists have brought. This is very bad for Okonkwo because he was planning to make a big return in his village, but now the people are more concerned about the Europeans. This makes the situation much more worse than it already is.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction, but a sketchy conclusion. Notably, there is adequate use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention by including a quotation in the introduction. (“‘ That man was one of the greatest men in Umofia. You drove him to kill himself; and now he will be buried like a dog.’ -Obierika. In literature there are two types of heroes, the successful ones, and the ones who ultimately fall flat at the end. In the novel Things Fall Apart, the main character Okonkwo is the perfect example of a tragic hero. Through his desires and effort to be better than his father, he sadly has the same fate. Okonkwo is a powerful traditionalist who would have flourished in any other time, but couldn't adjust to the new lifestyle. This eventually would lead to his dismay.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Maybe if Okonkwo had been born during his fathers time he would have been an amazing person to have lead the people. The traditional ways have caused a hard time adjusting with this new religion. If Okonkwo's father had been born during this time period he would have been one of the first people to convert because he doesn't stand up for himself and his beliefs. His wife and children were very poor and they had to go hungry which is terrible because they had to suffer from a loafer. People talked about him and laughed saying he is a disgrace.”)

The essay provides a conclusion that is too brief; a summary of the main points is needed to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ There have been many tragic heroes in literature and Okonkwo is an great example. He worked his whole life to better his life and not be like his father and how ironic they have the same fate.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay response. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Maybe if Okonkwo had been born during his fathers time he would have been an amazing person to have lead the people. The traditional ways have caused a hard time adjusting with this new religion. If Okonkwo's father had been born during this time period he would have been one of the first people to convert because he doesn't stand up for himself and his beliefs. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice and style throughout the essay. (“ In addition to this amazing life he is given a boy Ikemefuna where his younger son has an older brother to look up to and Okonkwo gets the son he has always wanted and wished for. Okonkwo's tragic flaw begins to first take place when the Oracle decides Ikemefuna needs to be killed which is stunning for Okonkwo because the son has always wanted is now told he needs to be killed.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Then to make things better the hero is exiled after killing the boy. Upon his return he finds that the missionaries have been having an immense influence on the Umuofia than before. Okonkwo is too much in the old tradition and has pride in his beliefs, so this makes it diffucult to adjust to the way the Europeans colonists have brought. This is very bad for Okonkwo because he was planning to make a big return in his village, but now the people are more concerned about the Europeans. This makes the situation much more worse than it already is.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think Okonkwo is tragic hero . because of the way he acts.Okonkwo has done meny good things to help his villages as well as bad things.He was a great wrestler he defeted the greaters wrestler from all around .Everybody respected him for all the good things he did for them .Even though he had done many bad things ; like kille people , but not because he wanted too .It was because he had too fallow the villages rules . Okonkwowas a tragic hero , because he didn't save people or anythings like that . He tried to do good , but it was imposible for him . Everytime he tried to do something good he thought about what people might think of him .He was a very waek man thats why he kille all those person to prove people how strong he was .Thats he wasn't scare of anything or anybody and how great of a wrestler he was around there .When they told him that his son had to die,he didn't had to kill him but he went with the men to kill his son. He could of defemd him, but but he didn't do it. When they were killing the boy (his son). He turned around and said "there are killing me". Okonko took his knif and killed him. This proves he was weak and afraid of what people thought or said. Another reason Okonkwo was a tragic hero is when he is at the party, takes his gun out and shoots the poor guy without giving him a chance to defend himself. shortly after what he did the people of the village made Okonwko and his family move somewhere else away from the village for seven years then he could come back if he wanted too. Years passed quickly and in no time Okonkwo was back at the village.

When Okonkwo returned many thing had change around, one of them was the introdutons of a ew religion to the village. Okonkwo wasn't very happy about this and tries to stop it from spreading more. He forms a group of all of those who also oppose to this. They burn their church to try and make the Europeans leave. Okonkwo wants everything done his way and dissaproves of many things. He cannot accept the fact that everybody has the right to choose their own religion and way of thinking. He just refuses to acept this and does all he can to stop the spreading of the new religion.He ends up killing one of the messengers send by the Europeans and then himself shortly afterwards. Proving that he is a coward and a tragic hero.

Okonkow wanted to accopmplish many good things, but never did instead he ended up hurting many people and doing bad things. Things Fall Apart is a great book it helped me realize that I am not always right and if I want to do something I should do it with out worrying about what people may think or say. Not to be afraid of doing what you want or looking weak or powerless in front of other just be yourself. Most important to remember no matter how good you are there is always someone better than you so keep trying to become better and don't be afraid of doing what you want and be a real hero not a tragic hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay response. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes a few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“I think Okonkwo is tragic hero . because of the way he acts.Okonkwo has done meny good things to help his villages as well as bad things.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the negative things Okonkwo does throughout the story, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the repetitive nature of the details renders the essay limited at best. (“Okonkwo wants everything done his way and dissaproves of many things. He cannot accept the fact that everybody has the right to choose their own religion and way of thinking. He just refuses to acept this and does all he can to stop the spreading of the new religion.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Another reason Okonkwo was a tragic hero is when he is at the party, takes his gun out and shoots the poor guy without giving him a chance to defend himself. shortly after what he did the people of the village made Okonwko and his family move somewhere else away from the village for seven years then he could come back if he wanted too. Years passed quickly and in no time Okonkwo was back at the village.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Okonkwowas a tragic hero , because he didn't save people or anythings like that . He tried to do good , but it was imposible for him . Everytime he tried to do something good he thought about what people might think of him .He was a very waek man thats why he kille all those person to prove people how strong he was .Thats he wasn't scare of anything or anybody and how great of a wrestler he was around there .When they told him that his son had to die,he didn't had to kill him but he went with the men to kill his son. He could of defemd him, but but he didn't do it.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Okonkwo wants everything done his way and dissaproves of many things. He cannot accept the fact that everybody has the right to choose their own religion and way of thinking. He just refuses to acept this and does all he can to stop the spreading of the new religion.He ends up killing one of the messengers send by the Europeans and then himself shortly afterwards. Proving that he is a coward and a tragic hero.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“When they were killing the boy [his son]. He turned around and said ‘there are killing me’. Okonko took his knif and killed him. This proves he was weak and afraid of what people thought or said. Another reason Okonkwo was a tragic hero is when he is at the party, takes his gun out and shoots the poor guy without giving him a chance to defend himself.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay response. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks effective paragraphing, and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay does little to creatively entice readers in the introduction. (“ I think Okonkwo is tragic hero . because of the way he acts.Okonkwo has done meny good things to help his villages as well as bad things.He was a great wrestler he defeted the greaters wrestler from all around .Everybody respected him for all the good things he did for them . ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ When Okonkwo returned many thing had change around, one of them was the introdutons of a ew religion to the village. Okonkwo wasn't very happy about this and tries to stop it from spreading more. He forms a group of all of those who also oppose to this. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The writer’s conclusion mainly serves to express a personal anecdote; it does not effectively summarize the literary points, but it does attempt to give the readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Okonkow wanted to accopmplish many good things, but never did instead he ended up hurting many people and doing bad things. Things Fall Apart is a great book it helped me realize that I am not always right and if I want to do something I should do it with out worrying about what people may think or say. Not to be afraid of doing what you want or looking weak or powerless in front of other just be yourself. Most important to remember no matter how good you are there is always someone better than you so keep trying to become better and don't be afraid of doing what you want and be a real hero not a tragic hero. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Sentences are short and choppy. (“ He could of defemd him, but but he didn't do it. When they were killing the boy [his son]. He turned around and said ‘there are killing me’. ”)

The writer projects limited voice and style in the essay. (“ Okonkow wanted to accopmplish many good things, but never did instead he ended up hurting many people and doing bad things. Things Fall Apart is a great book it helped me realize that I am not always right and if I want to do something I should do it with out worrying about what people may think or say. Not to be afraid of doing what you want or looking weak or powerless in front of other just be yourself. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He was a very waek man thats why he kille all those person to prove people how strong he was .Thats he wasn't scare of anything or anybody and how great of a wrestler he was around there .When they told him that his son had to die,he didn't had to kill him but he went with the men to kill his son.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Okonkwo has done meny good things to help his villages as well as bad things.He was a great wrestler he defeted the greaters wrestler from all around . ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, a story about a strong man named Okonkwo whose life is dominated by fear and anger. In this story Okonkwo gets angry at the white europeans for trying to change their religion and culture. Three reasons i believe Okonkwo is a tragic hero are because he doesn't listen to his people, he thinks hes above everyone else, Okonkwo has trouble listening to people because he thinks he should do only what he think is right, like when he killed ikemefuna the boy that thought of him as a father. He beat one of his three wives on the religious week they have of peace. Okonkwo killed a messenger by himself hoping his people would follow with him and fight back.

Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others. He killed two kids and messenger when he shouldn't have. Beat and shot at his wife for cutting some leaves off a banana tree. The second child he killed on accident made him have to flee Umuofia because its a crime to kill a clans-man, so he has to leave for seven years.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides a minimal central/controlling idea and lacks support to effectively convey a message to the intended audience. The writer mentions Okonkwo and some of his negative behavior toward other characters in the story; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Three reasons i believe Okonkwo is a tragic hero are because he doesn't listen to his people, he thinks hes above everyone else, Okonkwo has trouble listening to people because he thinks he should do only what he think is right, like when he killed ikemefuna the boy that thought of him as a father. He beat one of his three wives on the religious week they have of peace. Okonkwo killed a messenger by himself hoping his people would follow with him and fight back.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for what makes Okonkwo a tragic hero. (“ He beat one of his three wives on the religious week they have of peace. Okonkwo killed a messenger by himself hoping his people would follow with him and fight back. Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others. He killed two kids and messenger when he shouldn't have. ”)

The writer does not provide adequate, meaningful examples to support and explain the qualities of a tragic hero. (“ Beat and shot at his wife for cutting some leaves off a banana tree. The second child he killed on accident made him have to flee Umuofia because its a crime to kill a clans-man, so he has to leave for seven years.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer minimally discusses Okonkwo and falls short on delivering enough content to help readers fully understand the assertion that Okonkwo is a tragic hero. (“He beat one of his three wives on the religious week they have of peace. Okonkwo killed a messenger by himself hoping his people would follow with him and fight back.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“He killed two kids and messenger when he shouldn't have. Beat and shot at his wife for cutting some leaves off a banana tree. The second child he killed on accident made him have to flee Umuofia because its a crime to kill a clans-man, so he has to leave for seven years.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay response. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In the book Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, a story about a strong man named Okonkwo whose life is dominated by fear and anger.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reinforce the writer’s assertion that Okonkwo is a tragic hero. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Okonkwo killed a messenger by himself hoping his people would follow with him and fight back. Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ The second child he killed on accident made him have to flee Umuofia because its a crime to kill a clans-man, so he has to leave for seven years. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“ Three reasons i believe Okonkwo is a tragic hero are because he doesn't listen to his people, he thinks hes above everyone else, Okonkwo has trouble listening to people because he thinks he should do only what he think is right, like when he killed ikemefuna the boy that thought of him as a father. He beat one of his three wives on the religious week they have of peace.”)

Sentence fragments are revealed and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others. He killed two kids and messenger when he shouldn't have. Beat and shot at his wife for cutting some leaves off a banana tree.”)

There is repetition. (“ Three reasons i believe Okonkwo is a tragic hero are because he doesn't listen to his people, he thinks hes above everyone else, Okonkwo has trouble listening to people because he thinks he should do only what he think is right, like when he killed ikemefuna the boy that thought of him as a father.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Okonkwo thinks he is better then others in his village because he thinks he can do whatever he wants, like messing with the white peoples church with the others. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is. The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action. Even trying is done unsuccessful at times. The intention of the man is a hero by itself. Having the ideal though of helping and changing defending the people writes. A stand in what is wrong or right.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea. (“Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action. Even trying is done unsuccessful at times.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“Having the ideal though of helping and changing defending the people writes. A stand in what is wrong or right.”)

Content & Development

The essay does not include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address whether Okonkwo is a hero but does not develop the idea in any way. (“The intention of the man is a hero by itself. Having the ideal though of helping and changing defending the people writes.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate evidence. (“Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is. The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is. The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action. Even trying is done unsuccessful at times. The intention of the man is a hero by itself. Having the ideal though of helping and changing defending the people writes. A stand in what is wrong or right.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Even trying is done unsuccessful at times. The intention of the man is a hero by itself.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ A stand in what is wrong or right.”)

Language Use & Style

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ Having the ideal though of helping and changing defending the people writes. A stand in what is wrong or right.”)

Sentences are weak and poorly constructed. (“ Okonkwo is believed morel as a hero But that's what makes him who he is. The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action. Even trying is done unsuccessful at times. The intention of the man is a hero by itself.”)

Sentences and word choices are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ The hero is someone that helps accomplish a drastic problem at action.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

How Civilized are Rainsford and Zaroff?

In the short story “The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell, General Zaroff and big-game hunter Sanger Rainsford both seem civilized, but are they?

In a multi-paragraph essay, support your position as to whether either man is civilized. Use quotes and details from the story to support your position and refute the opposing position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In today's society, where most of us believe that a t-bone steak comes from the store, it can be hard to accept that hunting can be a civilized experience. Killing another animal feels uncivilized when it is so foreign to us but it used to be a daily part of a person's life and still is for many people in the world today. Not only is it civilized but it is necessary in perpetuating the species by eliminating the sick, weak, and unintelligent. Civilization exists because of civilized men like Zaroff and Rainsford who displayed that they were intelligent, respectful and accomplished.

As the story unfolds it becomes apparent that both men are quite intelligent. Rainsford reveals his intelligence in his discussion with Whitney regarding the two classes of people, the hunters and the huntees. Zaroff refers to his ability to read books published in English, French and Russian. Additionally, the discussion between Rainsford and Zaroff exposes educated speech, such as Zaroff's greeting, "It is a very great pleasure and honor to welcome Mr. Sanger Rainsford." Later in the story Rainsford chastises Zaroff's hunting ideas with, "I can't believe that you are serious, General Zaroff; this is a grisly joke." In their final moment, upon making one of his deepest bows, General Zaroff said, "Splendid! One of us is to furnish a repast for the hounds. The other will sleep in this very excellent bed!"

Their introduction to each other was initiated by a handshake. Their discussion prior to and during dinner was cordial and friendly. Zaroff had insisted that Rainsford should join the game, which Rainsford objected politely, but in the end Zaroff gave Rainsford the choice of playing the game or getting tortured by Ivan. Zaroff was a gentleman and let Rainsford survive for another night in the jungle when he found Rainsford in the tree. As Rainsford and Zaroff interact with each other, they show great civility and respect towards each other. Zaroff was very civilized about the duel in the end of the story. In the end Rainsford and won the game fairly.

Both Rainsford and Zaroff were experts in the field of hunting. Rainsford is described as a celebrated hunter and Zaroff suggested that it would be impossible for him to tell Rainsford how many animals he had killed. Their hunting adventures took them to Tibet, Africa, the Rockies of America, and every kind of game in every land. Their hunting skills were demonstrated as they "hunted together" in the game. In the middle of the game Rainsford knew how to make traps that would seriously injure or kill anyone or anything that would come set it off. Such as the Malay man catcher which had injured Zaroff with a blow to the shoulder. Another one of Rainsford's traps that had killed was the Burmese tiger pit, which had claimed one of Zaroff's best hounds.

Of course being intelligent, respectful and accomplished may not make a person civilized. Zaroff may have stepped across the line of civility with the very thought of making a sport of hunting another man. Certainly, carrying out the act puts him in the company of psychopaths and serial killers. Rainsford on the other hand may be considered uncivilized just for the actions in killing animals. Killing Zaroff was an act of self-preservation which could be expected of anyone and shouldn't be given the same consideration of Zaroff's killings. A person may have all the civility in the world but it doesn't change the fact that murder is murder, not an act of civility. The act of killing someone for sport puts them in the same category as animals.

In conclusion, the general civility of Rainsford and Zaroff took the sport of hunting to new levels. Their intelligence altered the line between the hunter and the huntee. Their respect for each other raised their ultimate hunting experience from indifference to intrigue. Their accomplishment for killing increased the drama and suspense of who was going to kill who. When the intelligent, respectful and the accomplished kill another person, it cannot be considered murder but rather perpetuation of the species. Helping assist in the necessity of the elimination of the sick, weak, and unintelligent. Civilization exists because of civilized men like Zaroff and Rainsford.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt task and literary selection clearly. He/she describes some of the characters’ demonstrations of civility with relevant and very descriptive details. (“Their introduction to each other was initiated by a handshake. Their discussion prior to and during dinner was cordial and friendly. Zaroff had insisted that Rainsford should join the game, which Rainsford objected politely, but in the end Zaroff gave Rainsford the choice of playing the game or getting tortured by Ivan. Zaroff was a gentleman and let Rainsford survive for another night in the jungle when he found Rainsford in the tree. As Rainsford and Zaroff interact with each other, they show great civility and respect towards each other.”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Of course being intelligent, respectful and accomplished may not make a person civilized. Zaroff may have stepped across the line of civility with the very thought of making a sport of hunting another man. Certainly, carrying out the act puts him in the company of psychopaths and serial killers. Rainsford on the other hand may be considered uncivilized just for the actions in killing animals. Killing Zaroff was an act of self-preservation which could be expected of anyone and shouldn't be given the same consideration of Zaroff's killings. A person may have all the civility in the world but it doesn't change the fact that murder is murder, not an act of civility.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Their intelligence altered the line between the hunter and the huntee. Their respect for each other raised their ultimate hunting experience from indifference to intrigue. Their accomplishment for killing increased the drama and suspense of who was going to kill who. When the intelligent, respectful and the accomplished kill another person, it cannot be considered murder but rather perpetuation of the species. Helping assist in the necessity of the elimination of the sick, weak, and unintelligent. Civilization exists because of civilized men like Zaroff and Rainsford. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific examples that relate to the theme of the story. (“Their discussion prior to and during dinner was cordial and friendly. Zaroff had insisted that Rainsford should join the game, which Rainsford objected politely, but in the end Zaroff gave Rainsford the choice of playing the game or getting tortured by Ivan. Zaroff was a gentleman and let Rainsford survive for another night in the jungle when he found Rainsford in the tree. As Rainsford and Zaroff interact with each other, they show great civility and respect towards each other.”)

The essay contains important details that may include direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text. (“Additionally, the discussion between Rainsford and Zaroff exposes educated speech, such as Zaroff's greeting, ‘It is a very great pleasure and honor to welcome Mr. Sanger Rainsford.’ Later in the story Rainsford chastises Zaroff's hunting ideas with, ‘I can't believe that you are serious, General Zaroff; this is a grisly joke.’ In their final moment, upon making one of his deepest bows, General Zaroff said, ‘Splendid! One of us is to furnish a repast for the hounds. The other will sleep in this very excellent bed!’”)

The writer’s body paragraphs serve to support the controlling idea of the essay. (“Both Rainsford and Zaroff were experts in the field of hunting. Rainsford is described as a celebrated hunter and Zaroff suggested that it would be impossible for him to tell Rainsford how many animals he had killed. Their hunting adventures took them to Tibet, Africa, the Rockies of America, and every kind of game in every land. Their hunting skills were demonstrated as they ‘hunted together’ in the game. In the middle of the game Rainsford knew how to make traps that would seriously injure or kill anyone or anything that would come set it off.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated. There is effective use of transitional devices throughout the essay as well.

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing the connection between hunting and civility. (“In today's society, where most of us believe that a t-bone steak comes from the store, it can be hard to accept that hunting can be a civilized experience. Killing another animal feels uncivilized when it is so foreign to us but it used to be a daily part of a person's life and still is for many people in the world today. Not only is it civilized but it is necessary in perpetuating the species by eliminating the sick, weak, and unintelligent. Civilization exists because of civilized men like Zaroff and Rainsford who displayed that they were intelligent, respectful and accomplished. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used very effectively. (“As the story unfolds it becomes apparent that both men are quite intelligent. Rainsford reveals his intelligence in his discussion with Whitney regarding the two classes of people, the hunters and the huntees. Zaroff refers to his ability to read books published in English, French and Russian. Additionally, the discussion between Rainsford and Zaroff exposes educated speech, such as Zaroff's greeting, ‘It is a very great pleasure and honor to welcome Mr. Sanger Rainsford.’ Later in the story Rainsford chastises Zaroff's hunting ideas with, ‘I can't believe that you are serious, General Zaroff; this is a grisly joke.’ In their final moment, upon making one of his deepest bows, General Zaroff said, ‘Splendid! One of us is to furnish a repast for the hounds. The other will sleep in this very excellent bed!’ ”)

The writer provides a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“In conclusion, the general civility of Rainsford and Zaroff took the sport of hunting to new levels. Their intelligence altered the line between the hunter and the huntee. Their respect for each other raised their ultimate hunting experience from indifference to intrigue. Their accomplishment for killing increased the drama and suspense of who was going to kill who. When the intelligent, respectful and the accomplished kill another person, it cannot be considered murder but rather perpetuation of the species. Helping assist in the necessity of the elimination of the sick, weak, and unintelligent. Civilization exists because of civilized men like Zaroff and Rainsford. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story to illustrate the civility of the main characters. (“Their introduction to each other was initiated by a handshake. Their discussion prior to and during dinner was cordial and friendly. Zaroff had insisted that Rainsford should join the game, which Rainsford objected politely, but in the end Zaroff gave Rainsford the choice of playing the game or getting tortured by Ivan. Zaroff was a gentleman and let Rainsford survive for another night in the jungle when he found Rainsford in the tree. As Rainsford and Zaroff interact with each other, they show great civility and respect towards each other. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer balances the discussion by painting a picture of the line that was crossed in Zaroff’s “supposed” civility so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the levels of civility demonstrated by each of the characters in the literary selection. (“Of course being intelligent, respectful and accomplished may not make a person civilized. Zaroff may have stepped across the line of civility with the very thought of making a sport of hunting another man. Certainly, carrying out the act puts him in the company of psychopaths and serial killers. Rainsford on the other hand may be considered uncivilized just for the actions in killing animals. Killing Zaroff was an act of self-preservation which could be expected of anyone and shouldn't be given the same consideration of Zaroff's killings. A person may have all the civility in the world but it doesn't change the fact that murder is murder, not an act of civility. The act of killing someone for sport puts them in the same category as animals.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“…the general civility of Rainsford and Zaroff took the sport of hunting to new levels. Their intelligence altered the line between the hunter and the huntee. Their respect for each other raised their ultimate hunting experience from indifference to intrigue. Their accomplishment for killing increased the drama and suspense of who was going to kill who. When the intelligent, respectful and the accomplished kill another person, it cannot be considered murder but rather perpetuation of the species.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and words are spelled correctly. (“As the story unfolds it becomes apparent that both men are quite intelligent. Rainsford reveals his intelligence in his discussion with Whitney regarding the two classes of people, the hunters and the huntees. Zaroff refers to his ability to read books published in English, French and Russian. Additionally, the discussion between Rainsford and Zaroff exposes educated speech, such as Zaroff's greeting, ‘It is a very great pleasure and honor to welcome Mr. Sanger Rainsford.’ ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What does it mean to be civilized? What does our society consider a civilized human being? Are there many civilized people on the Earth today? The definition of being civilized is having an advanced or humane culture. It also means to be polite or refined. A civilized person must have many qualities, such as having a good education, acting polite, and showing respect toward others. Without one or all of these attributes, one cannot be truly civilized. In The Most Dangerous Game, General Zaroff is not civilized, because he doesn't respect the lives of other humans. He may be polite and educated, but he does not have all of the characteristics of a civilized human being.

First, one must have received an excellent education to be civilized. Zaroff is well-educated for many reasons. For example, when Rainsford first meets Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game, he states that he has read all of Rainsford's books. In addition, Zaroff is often said to be whistling tunes written by famous composers and pianists. He has many hunting and trapping skills that he uses while pursuing game, also. These examples show that Zaroff gained an education in music, literature, and hunting. Though Zaroff my be educated, is he truly civilized?

A person possessing the characteristic of civility, must also be polite. Zaroff is surprisingly polite to Rainsford when he arrives at his castle. For instance, he allows Rainsford into his lovely mansion and makes him feel at home. Zaroff is extremely helpful and even offers him a bedroom for the night. He gives Rainsford expensive and delicious food and lets him eat in the dining hall with him. When Zaroff begins his hunt on Rainsford, he even gives Rainsford a head start. Zaroff's politeness shows through his actions, making him a kind and gracious host.

Civility requires respect for others, even if they are of a lower class. Zaroff has no respect for humans other than himself. After he became bored hunting animals, General Zaroff decided to hunt humans. He keeps low class slaves, Chinese workers, and African Americans as prisoners for him to hunt on his island. Zaroff even hunts Rainsford just for entertainment. While he is hunting Rainsford, Ivan, his assistant and guard, gets killed. Zaroff does not care that he dies; he only cares about how difficult it will be to replace him. This shows that he may be polite and educated, but he does not care for human beings like himself.

Some people may believe that Zaroff is civilized, because he has gourmet food and clothing created by a tailor who only is employed by those above the rank of duke. However, they are wrong because he murders humans for his own entertainment. Zaroff trains men and keeps them captive until he hunts them. He is also uncivilized, because he did not earn his money and riches himself. He inherited all of his riches, allowing him to afford such a large mansion and such expensive food. If he was truly civilized, Zaroff would honor the lives of others and work for his own money. Men like him only live for their own amusement.

A civilized person must have good manners, be obedient, and able to get along with others. They must also be humane, ethical, and reasonable. Out of the qualities that make a man civilized, Zaroff may be polite and educated, but he has no respect for others. General Zaroff is not civilized, because he is evil and murders men for his own entertainment. Today, if we want to be civilized, we must live by the rules of society and treat others the way we would like to be treated. All men are equal, and we should treat them equally.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes an analysis of the text and makes connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on three attributes of civility to show that Zaroff is not civilized. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“Some people may believe that Zaroff is civilized, because he has gourmet food and clothing created by a tailor who only is employed by those above the rank of duke. However, they are wrong because he murders humans for his own entertainment. Zaroff trains men and keeps them captive until he hunts them. He is also uncivilized, because he did not earn his money and riches himself. He inherited all of his riches, allowing him to afford such a large mansion and such expensive food. If he was truly civilized, Zaroff would honor the lives of others and work for his own money. Men like him only live for their own amusement. ”)

The writer should also focus on supporting how civilized Rainsford is throughout the story; this would add balance to the discussion. (“Zaroff is surprisingly polite to Rainsford when he arrives at his castle. For instance, he allows Rainsford into his lovely mansion and makes him feel at home. Zaroff is extremely helpful and even offers him a bedroom for the night. He gives Rainsford expensive and delicious food and lets him eat in the dining hall with him. When Zaroff begins his hunt on Rainsford, he even gives Rainsford a head start. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the attributes of civility that Zaroff lacks in the story. (“First, one must have received an excellent education to be civilized. Zaroff is well-educated for many reasons. For example, when Rainsford first meets Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game, he states that he has read all of Rainsford's books. In addition, Zaroff is often said to be whistling tunes written by famous composers and pianists. He has many hunting and trapping skills that he uses while pursuing game, also. These examples show that Zaroff gained an education in music, literature, and hunting. Though Zaroff my be educated, is he truly civilized? ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are developed with relevant evidence and literary elements from the text. The writer should use direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support some of the main ideas of the essay.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Zaroff is surprisingly polite to Rainsford when he arrives at his castle. For instance, he allows Rainsford into his lovely mansion and makes him feel at home. Zaroff is extremely helpful and even offers him a bedroom for the night. He gives Rainsford expensive and delicious food and lets him eat in the dining hall with him. When Zaroff begins his hunt on Rainsford, he even gives Rainsford a head start.”)

The writer should include paraphrasing of dialogue or direct quotes (by or about the main characters) to more richly support some of the main ideas of the essay. (“Zaroff has no respect for humans other than himself. After he became bored hunting animals, General Zaroff decided to hunt humans. He keeps low class slaves, Chinese workers, and African Americans as prisoners for him to hunt on his island. Zaroff even hunts Rainsford just for entertainment. While he is hunting Rainsford, Ivan, his assistant and guard, gets killed. Zaroff does not care that he dies; he only cares about how difficult it will be to replace him. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“First, one must have received an excellent education to be civilized. Zaroff is well-educated for many reasons. For example, when Rainsford first meets Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game, he states that he has read all of Rainsford's books. In addition, Zaroff is often said to be whistling tunes written by famous composers and pianists. He has many hunting and trapping skills that he uses while pursuing game, also. These examples show that Zaroff gained an education in music, literature, and hunting. Though Zaroff my be educated, is he truly civilized?”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay exhibits a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The writer engages the readers in the beginning of the essay by defining some of the attributes of civility. (“What does it mean to be civilized? What does our society consider a civilized human being? Are there many civilized people on the Earth today? The definition of being civilized is having an advanced or humane culture. It also means to be polite or refined. A civilized person must have many qualities, such as having a good education, acting polite, and showing respect toward others. ”)

Transitions within and between paragraphs and sentences are used well. (“First, one must have received an excellent education to be civilized. Zaroff is well-educated for many reasons. For example, when Rainsford first meets Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game, he states that he has read all of Rainsford's books. In addition, Zaroff is often said to be whistling tunes written by famous composers and pianists. ”)

The writer provides an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“A civilized person must have good manners, be obedient, and able to get along with others. They must also be humane, ethical, and reasonable. Out of the qualities that make a man civilized, Zaroff may be polite and educated, but he has no respect for others. General Zaroff is not civilized, because he is evil and murders men for his own entertainment. Today, if we want to be civilized, we must live by the rules of society and treat others the way we would like to be treated. All men are equal, and we should treat them equally. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“Zaroff is well-educated for many reasons. For example, when Rainsford first meets Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game, he states that he has read all of Rainsford's books. In addition, Zaroff is often said to be whistling tunes written by famous composers and pianists. He has many hunting and trapping skills that he uses while pursuing game, also. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong voice in the essay. (“A civilized person must have good manners, be obedient, and able to get along with others. They must also be humane, ethical, and reasonable. Out of the qualities that make a man civilized, Zaroff may be polite and educated, but he has no respect for others. General Zaroff is not civilized, because he is evil and murders men for his own entertainment. Today, if we want to be civilized, we must live by the rules of society and treat others the way we would like to be treated. All men are equal, and we should treat them equally.”)

The coherent style and tone of the essay ensures that the readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“A person possessing the characteristic of civility, must also be polite. Zaroff is surprisingly polite to Rainsford when he arrives at his castle. For instance, he allows Rainsford into his lovely mansion and makes him feel at home. Zaroff is extremely helpful and even offers him a bedroom for the night. He gives Rainsford expensive and delicious food and lets him eat in the dining hall with him. When Zaroff begins his hunt on Rainsford, he even gives Rainsford a head start. Zaroff's politeness shows through his actions, making him a kind and gracious host. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ While he is hunting Rainsford, Ivan, his assistant and guard, gets killed. Zaroff does not care that he dies; he only cares about how difficult it will be to replace him. This shows that he may be polite and educated, but he does not care for human beings like himself. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none." The question is was General Zaroff civil to all? The definition of civil is, sufficiently observing or befitting accepted social uses; not rude. So, to be civil, means to have respect for others, to be polite, and to have good morals. General Zaroff is not a civilized person, based on the qualities for being civil.

General Zaroff is not respectful to others. He kills people, then he hangs their heads in his library, so he does not care for the value of life. The only human life that he actually has value for is his own, but no one else's. He treats people, as though they are a game. Although he was the one to create this game, he doesn't play fairly. It is said in the story that one man lasted almost three days, so he sent the dogs out to finish him off. Also, he didn't give Rainsford much of a choice of life or death. His choices were to either be tortured, or to be hunted. So, General Zaroff does not have respect for others.

When it comes to being polite, General Zaroff is both polite, and un-polite. When Rainsford first showed up to his doorstep, he didn't kill him or make him leave, he took Rainsford in, fed him a meal, gave him fresh clothes, and a room to sleep in. He never interrupted Rainsford when he was talking, and he never said anything rude, or disrespectful about Rainsford, or to him. These are the things that can make General Zaroff is polite. Then, there are reasons to why General Zaroff is un-polite. He made Rainsford play the game. Also when Rainsford was trying to hide from General Zaroff, or made a trap for him, General Zaroff would taunt him, or tease him about how his skills are not high enough for men.

General Zaroff does not have good morals. One reason, is because he makes people play a game, and taunts them with their life. Anybody that has no problem playing with other people's lives, does not have good morals. Another reason, is he thinks that it is amusing, killing people, even though to him, he thinks that it is just a harder prey, not an actual person. Also, he didn't keep his promise when in the end, Rainsford had actually won the game, he still wanted to fight him, even though the game was over, because Rainsford lasted three days, and it was supposed to be the end of the game. General Zaroff does not have good morals.

Some people may believe that General Zaroff is civilized, because he has a good education, by reading every book in his library, and because he has a big house, in a private area; however, he is not civilized, because he murders innocent people, and shows their heads on the walls of his library, and does not keep his promise to Rainsford, when Rainsford wins the game.

Zaroff is not a civilized person. The definition of civil is sufficiently observing or befitting accepted social uses; not polite. To be civil, means to have respect for others, to be polite, and to have good morals. General Zaroff is not a civil person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection. The writer selects three qualities that define a civilized person and provides adequate details so the readers can see how Zaroff lacks in civility throughout the story. (“Zaroff is not a civilized person. The definition of civil is sufficiently observing or befitting accepted social uses; not polite. To be civil, means to have respect for others, to be polite, and to have good morals. General Zaroff is not a civil person.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer devotes the entire essay to supporting the fact that Zaroff is not civilized in the story. (“Anybody that has no problem playing with other people's lives, does not have good morals. Another reason, is he thinks that it is amusing, killing people, even though to him, he thinks that it is just a harder prey, not an actual person. Also, he didn't keep his promise when in the end, Rainsford had actually won the game, he still wanted to fight him, even though the game was over, because Rainsford lasted three days, and it was supposed to be the end of the game.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer maintains adequate awareness of the intended audience throughout the essay. (“When it comes to being polite, General Zaroff is both polite, and un-polite. When Rainsford first showed up to his doorstep, he didn't kill him or make him leave, he took Rainsford in, fed him a meal, gave him fresh clothes, and a room to sleep in. He never interrupted Rainsford when he was talking, and he never said anything rude, or disrespectful about Rainsford, or to him. These are the things that can make General Zaroff is polite.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer generally uses adequate details to support how uncivilized Zaroff is in the story. (“Some people may believe that General Zaroff is civilized, because he has a good education, by reading every book in his library, and because he has a big house, in a private area; however, he is not civilized, because he murders innocent people, and shows their heads on the walls of his library, and does not keep his promise to Rainsford, when Rainsford wins the game.”)

The writer neglects to include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. Revealing the characters’ thoughts through the use of quotations would give the readers a clearer view of the civility of each character. (“He never interrupted Rainsford when he was talking, and he never said anything rude, or disrespectful about Rainsford, or to him. These are the things that can make General Zaroff is polite. Then, there are reasons to why General Zaroff is un-polite. He made Rainsford play the game. Also when Rainsford was trying to hide from General Zaroff, or made a trap for him, General Zaroff would taunt him, or tease him about how his skills are not high enough for men.”)

The writer uses adequate details that connect the prompt task to the literary selection. (“Although he was the one to create this game, he doesn't play fairly. It is said in the story that one man lasted almost three days, so he sent the dogs out to finish him off. Also, he didn't give Rainsford much of a choice of life or death. His choices were to either be tortured, or to be hunted. So, General Zaroff does not have respect for others.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate as well. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout the essay.

The writer adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“'Be civil to all, sociable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to none.’ The question is was General Zaroff civil to all? The definition of civil is, sufficiently observing or befitting accepted social uses; not rude. So, to be civil, means to have respect for others, to be polite, and to have good morals. General Zaroff is not a civilized person, based on the qualities for being civil. ”)

Although the writer employs transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“General Zaroff does not have good morals. One rease4n, is because he makes people play a game, and taunts them with their life. Anybody that has no problem playing with other people's lives, does not have good morals. Another reason, is he thinks that it is amusing, killing people, even though to him, he thinks that it is just a harder prey, not an actual person. Also, he didn't keep his promise when in the end, Rainsford had actually won the game, he still wanted to fight him, even though the game was over, because Rainsford lasted three days, and it was supposed to be the end of the game. ”)

Although the essay’s conclusion is brief and repetitive, it does manage to give the readers a sense of closure. (“Zaroff is not a civilized person. The definition of civil is sufficiently observing or befitting accepted social uses; not polite. To be civil, means to have respect for others, to be polite, and to have good morals. General Zaroff is not a civil person. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Although he was the one to create this game, he doesn't play fairly. It is said in the story that one man lasted almost three days, so he sent the dogs out to finish him off. Also, he didn't give Rainsford much of a choice of life or death. His choices were to either be tortured, or to be hunted. So, General Zaroff does not have respect for others.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she examines how civilized each character is in the literary selection. (“When it comes to being polite, General Zaroff is both polite, and un-polite. When Rainsford first showed up to his doorstep, he didn't kill him or make him leave, he took Rainsford in, fed him a meal, gave him fresh clothes, and a room to sleep in. He never interrupted Rainsford when he was talking, and he never said anything rude, or disrespectful about Rainsford, or to him. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“General Zaroff does not have good morals. One reason, is because he makes people play a game, and taunts them with their life. Anybody that has no problem playing with other people's lives, does not have good morals. Another reason, is he thinks that it is amusing, killing people, even though to him, he thinks that it is just a harder prey, not an actual person. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Although he was the one to create this game, he doesn't play fairly. It is said in the story that one man lasted almost three days, so he sent the dogs out to finish him off. Also, he didn't give Rainsford much of a choice of life or death. His choices were to either be tortured, or to be hunted. So, General Zaroff does not have respect for others.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Civilized means to be polite and well mannered. Civilized also means to be up in class or well off. It's like owning a new house and having servants like Zaroff. Uncivilized means the complete opposite of that you are not upper class or well off. Uncivilized people kill other people and hunt animals for the joy of it. They don't own nice houses or nice islands or cars or have servants.

Zaroff is civilized because of his big mansion with his servant, electricity, and good china and the island he owns with the dogs. However Zaroff is uncivilized because he hunts humans for entertainment. Zaroff says that the weak were put on earth for the entertainment of him because he is strong and they are weak. Hunting was to easy for Zaroff because he could kill anything he wanted to with a gun. He decided to hunt human because it was more of a challenge for him because they were always on the run and knew where to hide but Zaroff always found them until Rainsford came to the island.

Rainsford is civilized because he is a professional hunter that has a book about him. He has hunts of huge game he killed from 300 hundred yards away when the animal was in a brush pile. He is going to the safari to hunt panthers with his friend. He is uncivilized because of his attitude toward the animal. He thinks the animal has no feeling and has no fear to die. Animals have alot of feeling and could fear death.

Zaroff is uncivilized because he trains dogs to kill people or to track people to kill them. He is also uncivilized because he lures people in to come the island from the wrecked boats. They come to Zaroffs home and tell him about the wreck but Zaroff only wants to hunt him as a hobby and that's what he wanted to do with Rainsford. Rainsford is uncivilized because he only hunts as a hobby. He doesn't care about the animals he just wants to kill them.

I think Zaroff is uncivilized because he lures people into his home feeds them and then has them make a decision on whether they want to be let lose and try to survive in the harsh jungle and get tracks by dogs and Zaroff or to fight his servant Ivan. He is uncivilized because he finds it hunt to track people and kill them as a hobby. He was in the armed forces, then he moved to an island and built a house and ordered dogs and had his assistant there and then to kill people off the island. Zaroff is uncivilized.

Rainsford is civilized because he hunts big game and became successful from it. He wrote a book about him hunting and published it and he sold alot of the books. Rainsford decided to take a friend hunting with him in South America hunting panthers. He feel out of a boat and got to Zaroffs house and decided to go into the wilderness and get tracked by Zaroff and his dogs he survived and killed Zaroff and fed him to the dogs so now he can save the people that wreck there ships instead of killing them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Civilized means to be polite and well mannered. Civilized also means to be up in class or well off. It's like owning a new house and having servants like Zaroff. Uncivilized means the complete opposite of that you are not upper class or well off. Uncivilized people kill other people and hunt animals for the joy of it. They don't own nice houses or nice islands or cars or have servants.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the characteristics of civility, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“I think Zaroff is uncivilized because he lures people into his home feeds them and then has them make a decision on whether they want to be let lose and try to survive in the harsh jungle and get tracks by dogs and Zaroff or to fight his servant Ivan. He is uncivilized because he finds it hunt to track people and kill them as a hobby.”)

The writer focuses limited details on the theme of the story. (“Rainsford is civilized because he hunts big game and became successful from it. He wrote a book about him hunting and published it and he sold alot of the books. Rainsford decided to take a friend hunting with him in South America hunting panthers. He feel out of a boat and got to Zaroffs house and decided to go into the wilderness and get tracked by Zaroff and his dogs he survived and killed Zaroff and fed him to the dogs so now he can save the people that wreck there ships instead of killing them.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“Rainsford is civilized because he is a professional hunter that has a book about him. He has hunts of huge game he killed from 300 hundred yards away when the animal was in a brush pile. He is going to the safari to hunt panthers with his friend.”)

The writer employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I think Zaroff is uncivilized because he lures people into his home feeds them and then has them make a decision on whether they want to be let lose and try to survive in the harsh jungle and get tracks by dogs and Zaroff or to fight his servant Ivan. He is uncivilized because he finds it hunt to track people and kill them as a hobby. He was in the armed forces, then he moved to an island and built a house and ordered dogs and had his assistant there and then to kill people off the island. Zaroff is uncivilized.”)

The essay does not contain four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. In fact, many of the writer’s ideas are repeated, which adds to the limited nature of the essay. (“He is going to the safari to hunt panthers with his friend. He is uncivilized because of his attitude toward the animal. He thinks the animal has no feeling and has no fear to die. Animals have alot of feeling and could fear death.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and it lacks effective paragraphing. The writer does not use transitional devices to promote the flow and sequence of ideas.

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by defining the word “civilized” and by giving examples of what makes a person civilized. (“ Civilized means to be polite and well mannered. Civilized also means to be up in class or well off. It's like owning a new house and having servants like Zaroff. Uncivilized means the complete opposite of that you are not upper class or well off. Uncivilized people kill other people and hunt animals for the joy of it. They don't own nice houses or nice islands or cars or have servants. ”)

The lack of t ransitional devices interrupts the flow and sequence of ideas in the essay. (“ Rainsford is civilized because he is a professional hunter that has a book about him. He has hunts of huge game he killed from 300 hundred yards away when the animal was in a brush pile. He is going to the safari to hunt panthers with his friend. He is uncivilized because of his attitude toward the animal. He thinks the animal has no feeling and has no fear to die. Animals have alot of feeling and could fear death. ”)

The conclusion only serves to summarize the ending to the story and does not give the readers something to think about as it draws to a close. (“Rainsford is civilized because he hunts big game and became successful from it. He wrote a book about him hunting and published it and he sold alot of the books. Rainsford decided to take a friend hunting with him in South America hunting panthers. He feel out of a boat and got to Zaroffs house and decided to go into the wilderness and get tracked by Zaroff and his dogs he survived and killed Zaroff and fed him to the dogs so now he can save the people that wreck there ships instead of killing them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use, voice, and style in the essay. The essay reveals simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on sentences in portions of the essay. (“He feel out of a boat and got to Zaroffs house and decided to go into the wilderness and get tracked by Zaroff and his dogs he survived and killed Zaroff and fed him to the dogs so now he can save the people that wreck there ships instead of killing them.”)

The writer’s voice and style are limited; he/she tends to repeat many ideas in the essay. (“Zaroff is uncivilized because he trains dogs to kill people or to track people to kill them. He is also uncivilized because he lures people in to come the island from the wrecked boats. They come to Zaroffs home and tell him about the wreck but Zaroff only wants to hunt him as a hobby and that's what he wanted to do with Rainsford. Rainsford is uncivilized because he only hunts as a hobby. He doesn't care about the animals he just wants to kill them. I think Zaroff is uncivilized because he lures people into his home feeds them and then has them make a decision on whether they want to be let lose and try to survive in the harsh jungle and get tracks by dogs and Zaroff or to fight his servant Ivan.”)

Sentence structures are weak. Additionally, the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“He was in the armed forces, then he moved to an island and built a house and ordered dogs and had his assistant there and then to kill people off the island. Zaroff is uncivilized. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, correct comma usage is employed, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“I think Zaroff is uncivilized because he lures people into his home feeds them and then has them make a decision on whether they want to be let lose and try to survive in the harsh jungle and get tracks by dogs and Zaroff or to fight his servant Ivan.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Zaroff ,a very dangerous monster and Rainsford, a most intelligent hunter are two men that may possibly be civilized. Rainsford has a yacht and Zaroff has a mansion. Which is more civilized?

Zaroff lives in a extremly large fancy house and he drinks the most exspensive wine. He has always etremly enjoyed hunting, however it had become boring. He decided to get an animal as smart as he was; a human. He thinks that he is very civilized, however I beg to differ.

Rainsford owns a very exspensive yacht. He has always enjoyed hunting and never is bored of it.He has never thought of hunting people. He was on his yacht and fell off and ended off on Zaroff's island; to be hunted. His whole life was devoted to hunting. He is most certainly civilized.

Being civilized means to have decent moral standards. and live in society along with others that share your morals or live in a pleasing way. Zaroff hasn't any morals because he hunts people. Rainsford hunts only animals and has at least some morals.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. A controlling idea is suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The writer asks, “Which is more civilized?,” but does not focus on providing sufficient supporting details for the readers to fully understand the analysis of the civility of the characters in the story. (“He was on his yacht and fell off and ended off on Zaroff's island; to be hunted. His whole life was devoted to hunting. He is most certainly civilized.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Zaroff hasn't any morals because he hunts people. Rainsford hunts only animals and has at least some morals.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain how civilized each character is in the story. (“Zaroff ,a very dangerous monster and Rainsford, a most intelligent hunter are two men that may possibly be civilized. Rainsford has a yacht and Zaroff has a mansion. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text for support.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the civility of each character but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand his/her ideas and their implications. (“Rainsford owns a very exspensive yacht. He has always enjoyed hunting and never is bored of it.He has never thought of hunting people. He was on his yacht and fell off and ended off on Zaroff's island; to be hunted. His whole life was devoted to hunting. He is most certainly civilized.”)

Specific and relevant details from the text are not used sufficiently to explain and illustrate the writer’s ideas. (“Zaroff lives in a extremly large fancy house and he drinks the most exspensive wine. He has always etremly enjoyed hunting, however it had become boring. He decided to get an animal as smart as he was; a human.”)

The minimal development of ideas leaves the readers with many questions. (“He thinks that he is very civilized, however I beg to differ.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, although there is evidence of paragraphing, transitional devices are lacking, which affects the sequence and flow of ideas.

The essay does not contain an effective introduction. (“Zaroff ,a very dangerous monster and Rainsford, a most intelligent hunter are two men that may possibly be civilized. Rainsford has a yacht and Zaroff has a mansion. Which is more civilized?”)

The writer does not create detailed paragraphs that effectively support the assertions of civility for each character in the literary selection. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or sentences. (“Rainsford owns a very exspensive yacht. He has always enjoyed hunting and never is bored of it.He has never thought of hunting people. He was on his yacht and fell off and ended off on Zaroff's island; to be hunted. His whole life was devoted to hunting. He is most certainly civilized.”)

The essay’s conclusion only minimally summarizes the ideas of each character’s civility. It does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Being civilized means to have decent moral standards. and live in society along with others that share your morals or live in a pleasing way. Zaroff hasn't any morals because he hunts people. Rainsford hunts only animals and has at least some morals.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates simple, repetitive language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer uses the same simple word choices throughout the essay. This gives the essay a repetitive tone. (“Zaroff lives in a extremly large fancy house and he drinks the most exspensive wine. He has always etremly enjoyed hunting, however it had become boring…Rainsford owns a very exspensive yacht. He has always enjoyed hunting and never is bored of it. ”)

Sentence variety is minimal. The writer begins many sentences the same way. For example, the use of “He” to begin sentences is glaringly evident and distracting to the intended audience. (“He has always etremly enjoyed hunting, however it had become boring. He decided to get an animal as smart as he was; a human. He thinks that he is very civilized, however I beg to differ. ”)

The writer’s voice and style are lacking in the essay. (“Zaroff hasn't any morals because he hunts people. Rainsford hunts only animals and has at least some morals. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Zaroff lives in a extremly large fancy house and he drinks the most exspensive wine. He has always etremly enjoyed hunting, however it had become boring.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Who is more civilized? I think that Zaroff is way less civilized than Rainsford. for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people. another reason is that Zaroff kills off all of his visitors. and last is that zaroff is all about being in the wilderness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not focus on supporting his/her central/controlling idea with support from the text. The essay is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“I think that Zaroff is way less civilized than Rainsford. for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people.”)

The writer provides inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“another reason is that Zaroff kills off all of his visitors.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The essay lacks effective development of ideas, and the writer uses no meaningful references to the text to support his/her assertions about the civility of the characters in the story.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address an analysis of how civilized each character may be, but the writer does not develop his/her ideas in any way. (“for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or quotations) are not used to explain and illustrate the writer’s ideas. (“another reason is that Zaroff kills off all of his visitors.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Who is more civilized? I think that Zaroff is way less civilized than Rainsford. for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people. another reason is that Zaroff kills off all of his visitors. and last is that zaroff is all about being in the wilderness.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and lacks an effective introduction or conclusion. Although the writer does attempt to employ transitional devices, the lack of paragraphing fails to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The beginning of the essay does not engage the readers or clearly inform them of the purpose of the prompt task. (“Who is more civilized? I think that Zaroff is way less civilized than Rainsford. ”)

The writer attempts to employ a few t ransitions to help connect ideas. (“another reason is that Zaroff kills off all of his visitors. and last is that zaroff is all about being in the wilderness. ”)

The essay does not include an identifiable conclusion. (“and last is that zaroff is all about being in the wilderness. ”)

Language Use & Style

Some sentences are short and fragmented. (“and last is that zaroff is all about being in the wilderness. ”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are not strongly related to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“I think that Zaroff is way less civilized than Rainsford. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. The essay has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which interfere with the communication of the intended message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, each new paragraph is indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“for many reasons first Zaroff is living all alone surounded by wilderness, while on the other hand sure Rainsford loves the wilderness but he live with other people and surounded with buildings and people.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

How Would I Handle a Dream Deferred?

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

or fester like a sore-

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over-

like a sugary sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

In "A Dream Deferred," Langston Hughes raises the question of how one should handle putting off a goal or dream. What would happen if you had to defer a dream or goal in order to help someone close to you? Would you eventually revisit your dream or would you abandon it after some time?

In a well-developed essay, discuss a time when you had to defer a personal goal or dream so that you could help someone close to you. How did your handling of that deferred dream or goal relate to this poem?

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I lay down, waiting for the fatigue from the day of competition to catch up. As I waited for sleep's embrace and its relief from the stress accumulated in the last few hours, I had several feelings that I pushed to the back of my mind. There was the heavy burden of disappointment, the rotten stench of defeat, and the anger slowly heating up and bringing my blood to a boil. At the regional level of Business Professionals of America's competitions and conferences, the team that I had worked so hard and spent so much time with suffered a humiliating loss. Incensed by this, and irritated even more by the fact that I could have done better without the team holding my feet, my goal of going to the National Conference, as I had done the previous year, slipped away. I tried to help three others in this team event, and I received nothing for my work. In essence, risking a personal goal when trying to help another person is a waste of time if there is nothing guaranteed in return.

This was my second year attending BPA, as a sophomore. I did well enough to go to the National Leadership Conference the previous year, and I wanted to do so again. In hindsight, it was rather foolhardy of me to want to skip another week of school this year. Even worse, however, was trying to do a team event, where I would devote much more time than an individual event would require, especially because I had no influence on who would participate on my team. In fact, I did request being in the same group as another student, but instead, I was weaved in with a senior that had never won anything at the State Leadership Conference, a senior that never even went to the SLC, and a freshman that did not know anything about business. Needless to say, this was not an ideal group to try to work with. The better senior was good enough that we decided to appoint him leader, on account of being an upperclassman. The other two were, quite frankly, terrible. The freshman presented well, but had no idea what she was saying. The senior presented terribly, and only understood a quarter of what he was saying. To make matters worse, the freshman was a girl, and the less useful senior was flirting with her for most of the meetings.

From my previous descriptions, one can probably guess why my group did so poorly. The beginnings and endings were strong, because the leader and I handled those parts, but the slides were weak and nonsensical in the middle. The presentation, concerning the upstart of a limousine company in Denver, began well; the leader spoke eloquently and enthusiastically. Then, we started to stumble. The freshman and other senior spoke about the vehicle type, marketing, and insurance costs. But instead of presenting, they practically read off of the slides, adding no information of their own. After five minutes of mediocre presenting, I took over and handled the market competition and financial statements, and the leader concluded the presentation. Even worse, during judges' questioning, the freshman was mute, and the senior's answer was so awkward and confusing that he might have been better off mute. Obviously, we did not progress to the State Conference, and I was furious with my group for some time.

Finally, I get to the main point behind this experience. My dad said I should have arranged my own group, which I actually tried to do, so his advice was both useless and annoying. My mom said I should have tried harder, and, considering how time-consuming it was, her advice was even more annoying. Only my brother really knew what to say, and he had been saying it when he was in high school. "Don't do team events," he advised, "They're futile because you have to contribute to the group." His logic was that whatever skill I had should be used to help myself. Though not very ethical, this loss proved to me that even risking a personal goal to help another person will often lead to an undesirable result.

Langston Hughes's poem "A Dream Deferred" contemplates the outcome of putting off or giving up a dream. Losing definitely "stinks like rotten meat." But at the same time, most dreams are postponed rather than abandoned altogether. I'll go to BPA again my junior year, and I won't make the same mistake I did last time; I'll make sure I don't get trapped in a group. Dreams don't explode after one gives them up to try and help someone else. Rather, they "fester like a sore" as a reminder to not do it again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. Presented is a very detailed scenario filled with internal dialogue and feelings of frustration as the writer watches a dream to go to the State Conference disappear. Although the writer focuses predominantly on the events leading to the deferred dream, and not as much on the poem, he/she clearly understands the purpose of the prompt task and provides specific details to illustrate the difficulties involved in a dream deferred.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer describes some of the more frustrating moments in his/her experience with clear and very descriptive details. (“Even worse, however, was trying to do a team event, where I would devote much more time than an individual event would require, especially because I had no influence on who would participate on my team. In fact, I did request being in the same group as another student, but instead, I was weaved in with a senior that had never won anything at the State Leadership Conference, a senior that never even went to the SLC, and a freshman that did not know anything about business. Needless to say, this was not an ideal group to try to work with. The better senior was good enough that we decided to appoint him leader, on account of being an upperclassman. The other two were, quite frankly, terrible. The freshman presented well, but had no idea what she was saying. The senior presented terribly, and only understood a quarter of what he was saying. To make matters worse, the freshman was a girl, and the less useful senior was flirting with her for most of the meetings.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“There was the heavy burden of disappointment, the rotten stench of defeat, and the anger slowly heating up and bringing my blood to a boil. At the regional level of Business Professionals of America's competitions and conferences, the team that I had worked so hard and spent so much time with suffered a humiliating loss. Incensed by this, and irritated even more by the fact that I could have done better without the team holding my feet, my goal of going to the National Conference, as I had done the previous year, slipped away.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Langston Hughes's poem ‘A Dream Deferred’ contemplates the outcome of putting off or giving up a dream. Losing definitely ‘stinks like rotten meat.’ But at the same time, most dreams are postponed rather than abandoned altogether. I'll go to BPA again my junior year, and I won't make the same mistake I did last time; I'll make sure I don't get trapped in a group. Dreams don't explode after one gives them up to try and help someone else. Rather, they ‘fester like a sore’ as a reminder to not do it again.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence. Although most of the experience is personal, there are some references to the Hughes’s poem as well.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the poem. (“There was the heavy burden of disappointment, the rotten stench of defeat, and the anger slowly heating up and bringing my blood to a boil. At the regional level of Business Professionals of America's competitions and conferences, the team that I had worked so hard and spent so much time with suffered a humiliating loss. Incensed by this, and irritated even more by the fact that I could have done better without the team holding my feet, my goal of going to the National Conference, as I had done the previous year, slipped away. I tried to help three others in this team event, and I received nothing for my work. In essence, risking a personal goal when trying to help another person is a waste of time if there is nothing guaranteed in return.”)

The essay includes important details that connect the essay question to the poem. (“Langston Hughes's poem ‘A Dream Deferred’ contemplates the outcome of putting off or giving up a dream. Losing definitely ‘stinks like rotten meat.’ But at the same time, most dreams are postponed rather than abandoned altogether. I'll go to BPA again my junior year, and I won't make the same mistake I did last time; I'll make sure I don't get trapped in a group. Dreams don't explode after one gives them up to try and help someone else. Rather, they ‘fester like a sore’ as a reminder to not do it again.”)

The writer includes a variety of specific details; however, he/she should weave more quotations from Hughes’s poem into the essay to create a comprehensive response to the prompt task. (“Only my brother really knew what to say, and he had been saying it when he was in high school. ‘Don't do team events,’ he advised, ‘They're futile because you have to contribute to the group.’ His logic was that whatever skill I had should be used to help myself. Though not very ethical, this loss proved to me that even risking a personal goal to help another person will often lead to an undesirable result.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure is demonstrated, along with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The writer’s introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing the bitter disappointment felt and the lesson learned when risking a personal goal to help someone else. (“ I lay down, waiting for the fatigue from the day of competition to catch up. As I waited for sleep's embrace and its relief from the stress accumulated in the last few hours, I had several feelings that I pushed to the back of my mind. There was the heavy burden of disappointment, the rotten stench of defeat, and the anger slowly heating up and bringing my blood to a boil. At the regional level of Business Professionals of America's competitions and conferences, the team that I had worked so hard and spent so much time with suffered a humiliating loss. Incensed by this, and irritated even more by the fact that I could have done better without the team holding my feet, my goal of going to the National Conference, as I had done the previous year, slipped away. I tried to help three others in this team event, and I received nothing for my work. In essence, risking a personal goal when trying to help another person is a waste of time if there is nothing guaranteed in return.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ The presentation, concerning the upstart of a limousine company in Denver, began well; the leader spoke eloquently and enthusiastically. Then, we started to stumble. The freshman and other senior spoke about the vehicle type, marketing, and insurance costs. But instead of presenting, they practically read off of the slides, adding no information of their own. After five minutes of mediocre presenting, I took over and handled the market competition and financial statements, and the leader concluded the presentation. Even worse, during judges' questioning, the freshman was mute, and the senior's answer was so awkward and confusing that he might have been better off mute. Obviously, we did not progress to the State Conference, and I was furious with my group for some time.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion that leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Langston Hughes's poem ‘A Dream Deferred’ contemplates the outcome of putting off or giving up a dream. Losing definitely ‘stinks like rotten meat.’ But at the same time, most dreams are postponed rather than abandoned altogether. I'll go to BPA again my junior year, and I won't make the same mistake I did last time; I'll make sure I don't get trapped in a group. Dreams don't explode after one gives them up to try and help someone else. Rather, they ‘fester like a sore’ as a reminder to not do it again.”)

Language Use & Style

Use of language, voice, and style is very effective. The writer demonstrates precise language, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of the intended audience. Well-structured and varied sentences add to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events that contributed to his/her dream being deferred. (“ The presentation, concerning the upstart of a limousine company in Denver, began well; the leader spoke eloquently and enthusiastically. Then, we started to stumble. The freshman and other senior spoke about the vehicle type, marketing, and insurance costs. But instead of presenting, they practically read off of the slides, adding no information of their own. After five minutes of mediocre presenting, I took over and handled the market competition and financial statements, and the leader concluded the presentation. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a vivid picture of the frustration of a deferred dream so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the reasons why the writer prefers not to defer his/her own dream for someone else ever again. (“ Losing definitely ‘stinks like rotten meat.’ But at the same time, most dreams are postponed rather than abandoned altogether. I'll go to BPA again my junior year, and I won't make the same mistake I did last time; I'll make sure I don't get trapped in a group. Dreams don't explode after one gives them up to try and help someone else. Rather, they ‘fester like a sore’ as a reminder to not do it again.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated words and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“I lay down, waiting for the fatigue from the day of competition to catch up. As I waited for sleep's embrace and its relief from the stress accumulated in the last few hours, I had several feelings that I pushed to the back of my mind. There was the heavy burden of disappointment, the rotten stench of defeat, and the anger slowly heating up and bringing my blood to a boil. At the regional level of Business Professionals of America's competitions and conferences, the team that I had worked so hard and spent so much time with suffered a humiliating loss. Incensed by this, and irritated even more by the fact that I could have done better without the team holding my feet, my goal of going to the National Conference, as I had done the previous year, slipped away.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ After five minutes of mediocre presenting, I took over and handled the market competition and financial statements, and the leader concluded the presentation. Even worse, during judges' questioning, the freshman was mute, and the senior's answer was so awkward and confusing that he might have been better off mute.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

From a very young age, I have been utterly fascinated with birds. From the age of three, I was simply captivated by their many talents and adaptations, most of all their ability to fly, which I jealously admired. I admired their beauty and many adjustments to life, from their songs and migrations, to their courtship rituals and life cycles. From a young age, I had the dream of becoming an ornithologist (a scientist who studies birds). That will be my comparison to this poem, "A Dream Deferred".

I never once totally abandoned this dream, or was encouraged or forced to do so by a family member or close friend. Far from it! Most people I knew thought of me as "the bird kid", and I liked that. It was not teasing, so I felt positively about it. My family never told me that I should think of doing anything else. They supported and encouraged my fascination with birds, and because I read and researched so much about not just birds, but animals and the environment in general, we became more environmentally conscious, so in a way, we where better off from my interest in birds.

Although I never totally gave the idea up of becoming an ornithologist, I did develop other interests after a time. I became increasingly interested in countries, languages, and human cultures. I maintained a strong interest in birds all the while, but for almost nine months or so, I was more compelled to find out about countries, languages, and cultures. My family began to question if I was still into birds at all. It is similar to the line in "A Dream Deferred" that says, "What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?" Sometimes I actually stopped and thought to myself; was I no longer interested in birds, which I had been captivated by since I was three? Was it dried out like the raisins in the poem?

After a time, my interest in birds grew back, and eventually it became equal to my interest in countries, languages, and cultures. I started to research birds again, and began to do more bird watching and read more about them. It is comparable to the line in "A Dream Deferred", that reads, "maybe it just sags like a heavy load". It is comparable to that line in that I still hung onto it while I was more interested in languages, countries, and cultures. And after a while, I brought it back. It sagged like a heavy load, but then was reawakened. And it was good to have it back.

Now that I had my interest in birds fully reawakened, I brought it and my interest in languages and countries to equal status. And it's good that way. I have a passion for two compelling and important things in life, and I was ready to pursue both in the future. I have decided to study both in college. Maybe I will major in both, or major in one and minor in the other. I have plenty of time to decide, but whatever I choose; it will include those two things, birds and languages. I will hold onto them, study them in college, and then very likely, make them my job/lively hood. Perhaps I am getting a little ahead of myself. But I know that studying those, will, in all likely hood, be what I choose to do with my life.

"A Dream Deferred" in a way details many of the things that happened in the story of my interest with birds and my dream of becoming an ornithologist. "Or crust and sugar over like a sugary sweet?" describes how for a while it was "sugared over" by my interest in languages. But now I came back and decided to eat the whole sweet, to use both birds and languages in my life. That was my decision, and I stand by it. And in conclusion, I and most everyone I know have supported it. And I know, because of that, that I chose the right way to go.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the poem and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the poem, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on a time when his/her dream to become an ornithologist seemed compromised by a budding interest in countries, languages, and human cultures . The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ Although I never totally gave the idea up of becoming an ornithologist, I did develop other interests after a time. I became increasingly interested in countries, languages, and human cultures. I maintained a strong interest in birds all the while, but for almost nine months or so, I was more compelled to find out about countries, languages, and cultures. My family began to question if I was still into birds at all. It is similar to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’ that says, ‘What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’ Sometimes I actually stopped and thought to myself; was I no longer interested in birds, which I had been captivated by since I was three? Was it dried out like the raisins in the poem? ”)

The writer includes details that connect the essay question to the poem. (“ After a time, my interest in birds grew back, and eventually it became equal to my interest in countries, languages, and cultures. I started to research birds again, and began to do more bird watching and read more about them. It is comparable to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’, that reads, ‘maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. It is comparable to that line in that I still hung onto it while I was more interested in languages, countries, and cultures. And after a while, I brought it back. It sagged like a heavy load, but then was reawakened. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the writer’s dream deferred; however, the surprising twist comes when the writer reveals that his/her new interests would be pursued along with the dream of becoming an ornithologist . (“ Now that I had my interest in birds fully reawakened, I brought it and my interest in languages and countries to equal status. And it's good that way. I have a passion for two compelling and important things in life, and I was ready to pursue both in the future. I have decided to study both in college. Maybe I will major in both, or major in one and minor in the other. I have plenty of time to decide, but whatever I choose; it will include those two things, birds and languages. I will hold onto them, study them in college, and then very likely, make them my job/lively hood. Perhaps I am getting a little ahead of myself. But I know that studying those, will, in all likely hood, be what I choose to do with my life. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the poem. The writer develops ideas clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the poem to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the poem. (“ After a time, my interest in birds grew back, and eventually it became equal to my interest in countries, languages, and cultures. I started to research birds again, and began to do more bird watching and read more about them. It is comparable to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’, that reads, "maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. It is comparable to that line in that I still hung onto it while I was more interested in languages, countries, and cultures. And after a while, I brought it back. It sagged like a heavy load, but then was reawakened. And it was good to have it back. ”)

The essay includes specific details and quotations from the poem to illustrate the things the writer felt during his/her time deferring a dream. (“My family began to question if I was still into birds at all. It is similar to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’ that says, ‘What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’ Sometimes I actually stopped and thought to myself; was I no longer interested in birds, which I had been captivated by since I was three? Was it dried out like the raisins in the poem? ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Now that I had my interest in birds fully reawakened, I brought it and my interest in languages and countries to equal status. And it's good that way. I have a passion for two compelling and important things in life, and I was ready to pursue both in the future. I have decided to study both in college. Maybe I will major in both, or major in one and minor in the other. I have plenty of time to decide, but whatever I choose; it will include those two things, birds and languages.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the response. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction provides background information that sets the stage for the writer’s discussion of his/her deferred dream. (“ From a very young age, I have been utterly fascinated with birds. From the age of three, I was simply captivated by their many talents and adaptations, most of all their ability to fly, which I jealously admired. I admired their beauty and many adjustments to life, from their songs and migrations, to their courtship rituals and life cycles. From a young age, I had the dream of becoming an ornithologist (a scientist who studies birds). That will be my comparison to this poem, ‘A Dream Deferred’. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ After a time, my interest in birds grew back, and eventually it became equal to my interest in countries, languages, and cultures. I started to research birds again, and began to do more bird watching and read more about them. It is comparable to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’, that reads, ‘maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. It is comparable to that line in that I still hung onto it while I was more interested in languages, countries, and cultures. And after a while, I brought it back. It sagged like a heavy load, but then was reawakened. And it was good to have it back. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“‘ A Dream Deferred’ in a way details many of the things that happened in the story of my interest with birds and my dream of becoming an ornithologist. ‘Or crust and sugar over like a sugary sweet?’ describes how for a while it was ‘sugared over’ by my interest in languages. But now I came back and decided to eat the whole sweet, to use both birds and languages in my life. That was my decision, and I stand by it. And in conclusion, I and most everyone I know have supported it. And I know, because of that, that I chose the right way to go. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Additionally, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer employs good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Most people I knew thought of me as ‘the bird kid’, and I liked that. It was not teasing, so I felt positively about it. My family never told me that I should think of doing anything else. They supported and encouraged my fascination with birds, and because I read and researched so much about not just birds, but animals and the environment in general, we became more environmentally conscious, so in a way, we where better off from my interest in birds. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ My family began to question if I was still into birds at all. It is similar to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’ that says, ‘What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?’ Sometimes I actually stopped and thought to myself; was I no longer interested in birds, which I had been captivated by since I was three? Was it dried out like the raisins in the poem? ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the writer’s discussion of a time when his/her dream was deferred. (“ After a time, my interest in birds grew back, and eventually it became equal to my interest in countries, languages, and cultures. I started to research birds again, and began to do more bird watching and read more about them. It is comparable to the line in ‘A Dream Deferred’, that reads, ‘maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. It is comparable to that line in that I still hung onto it while I was more interested in languages, countries, and cultures. And after a while, I brought it back. It sagged like a heavy load, but then was reawakened. And it was good to have it back. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Although I never totally gave the idea up of becoming an ornithologist, I did develop other interests after a time. I became increasingly interested in countries, languages, and human cultures. I maintained a strong interest in birds all the while, but for almost nine months or so, I was more compelled to find out about countries, languages, and cultures. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

While I was growing up I believed anything was possible to achieve. I was told "you can become anything you want to, if you set goals for yourself to reach." I had the determination to make my dreams of becoming an honor roll student a reality, no matter what obstacles I would encounter. And that even meant putting them on hold for some time.

It was my 8th grade year and I had always struggled keeping good grades. I put my passion of playing basketball before something very important. School. It's not that school was hard or too easy, I just never found the time to study with me being so busy practicing most of the time. But this year was different. My mom was making me put basketball on hold, until I could maintain all A's and B's. I set myself a goal and I was determined to reach it. I knew my friend wanted to play on the team, but he never made it. I told him I would help him out and coach him the best I could, just so he could fill my spot on the team. Only, this led me away from being able to keep my grades up. I didn't know helping a friend reach their goal would distract me from mine.

I became stressed. I put both basketball and maintaining good grades on hold, to help my friend make it on the team. It was too late to back out though. My goals and dreams were just a big load of stress put in the back of my mind. Just like a line from the poem Langston Hughes wrote: "Maybe it just sags, like a heavy load." My goal was still there; just it was putting 'heavy' pressure on me. I wanted to just tell my mom I couldn't keep good grades nor break a promise to my friend. I was stuck in a dilemma. I had to figure something out, because I had already said I was determined.

What I decided to do was help him out and instead spend my weekends at home with books out on my desk. I began studying. The more I studied, the easier it became to keep good grades. And a plus side was me getting practice of my own, helping my friend learns to block and shoot. When try outs came, he made the team. I could now focus directly at my goals with no obstacle in the way. When report cards came at the end of the year, I didn't get on the honor role because of a C- in history. But that didn't mean I couldn't next year.

As 9th grade started, I was slacking. Shortly after the first 9 weeks, I made the honor role. I was so proud of myself for not giving up. And when basketball tryouts came, I made the team. In the long run of sticking it out and not letting my dreams "dry up like a raisin in the sun," or become anything less, I reached them and they became a reality.

My handling of the deferred dream was to overcome and out run all the obstacles. Relating this to the poem, which says you shouldn't give up your dream or put it on hold, my opinion differs. It's never too late to achieve a goal, no matter how long it's been postponed. Langston Hughes made me see dreaming in another way. His use of words showed that your dreams can be reached if your dream is not deferred, but I know that you can. It's never too late for me, because my dreams will never "explode".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. The writer connects his/her experiences of a deferred dream to the imagery presented in the poem. (“I became stressed. I put both basketball and maintaining good grades on hold, to help my friend make it on the team. It was too late to back out though. My goals and dreams were just a big load of stress put in the back of my mind. Just like a line from the poem Langston Hughes wrote: ‘Maybe it just sags, like a heavy load.’ My goal was still there; just it was putting 'heavy' pressure on me. I wanted to just tell my mom I couldn't keep good grades nor break a promise to my friend. I was stuck in a dilemma. I had to figure something out, because I had already said I was determined.”)

The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the response. He/she consistently emphasizes the challenges involved in handling a deferred dream. (“I wanted to just tell my mom I couldn't keep good grades nor break a promise to my friend. I was stuck in a dilemma. I had to figure something out, because I had already said I was determined. What I decided to do was help him out and instead spend my weekends at home with books out on my desk. I began studying. The more I studied, the easier it became to keep good grades. And a plus side was me getting practice of my own, helping my friend learns to block and shoot. When try outs came, he made the team. I could now focus directly at my goals with no obstacle in the way.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to relate his/her feelings of a deferred dream with quotations from the poem, and this is a very effective way of illustrating the position he/she was put in during this difficult time. (“As 9th grade started, I was slacking. Shortly after the first 9 weeks, I made the honor role. I was so proud of myself for not giving up. And when basketball tryouts came, I made the team. In the long run of sticking it out and not letting my dreams ‘dry up like a raisin in the sun,’ or become anything less, I reached them and they became a reality.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the poem. (“I put both basketball and maintaining good grades on hold, to help my friend make it on the team. It was too late to back out though. My goals and dreams were just a big load of stress put in the back of my mind. Just like a line from the poem Langston Hughes wrote: ‘Maybe it just sags, like a heavy load.’ My goal was still there; just it was putting 'heavy' pressure on me.”)

The writer appropriately incorporates quotations from the poem to support his/her ideas for handling a deferred dream. (“As 9th grade started, I was slacking. Shortly after the first 9 weeks, I made the honor role. I was so proud of myself for not giving up. And when basketball tryouts came, I made the team. In the long run of sticking it out and not letting my dreams ‘dry up like a raisin in the sun,’ or become anything less, I reached them and they became a reality.”)

The writer uses adequate details from the poem to illustrate the challenges of his/her deferred dream. (“It's never too late to achieve a goal, no matter how long it's been postponed. Langston Hughes made me see dreaming in another way. His use of words showed that your dreams can be reached if your dream is not deferred, but I know that you can. It's never too late for me, because my dreams will never ‘explode’.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ While I was growing up I believed anything was possible to achieve. I was told ‘you can become anything you want to, if you set goals for yourself to reach.’ I had the determination to make my dreams of becoming an honor roll student a reality, no matter what obstacles I would encounter. And that even meant putting them on hold for some time.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ What I decided to do was help him out and instead spend my weekends at home with books out on my desk. I began studying. The more I studied, the easier it became to keep good grades. And a plus side was me getting practice of my own, helping my friend learns to block and shoot. When try outs came, he made the team. I could now focus directly at my goals with no obstacle in the way. When report cards came at the end of the year, I didn't get on the honor role because of a C- in history. But that didn't mean I couldn't next year.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ My handling of the deferred dream was to overcome and out run all the obstacles. Relating this to the poem, which says you shouldn't give up your dream or put it on hold, my opinion differs. It's never too late to achieve a goal, no matter how long it's been postponed. Langston Hughes made me see dreaming in another way. His use of words showed that your dreams can be reached if your dream is not deferred, but I know that you can. It's never too late for me, because my dreams will never ‘explode’. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I became stressed. I put both basketball and maintaining good grades on hold, to help my friend make it on the team. It was too late to back out though. My goals and dreams were just a big load of stress put in the back of my mind. Just like a line from the poem Langston Hughes wrote: ‘Maybe it just sags, like a heavy load.’ My goal was still there; just it was putting 'heavy' pressure on me. I wanted to just tell my mom I couldn't keep good grades nor break a promise to my friend. I was stuck in a dilemma. I had to figure something out, because I had already said I was determined.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice while explaining how deferring the dream of making honor roll caused conflict in his/her life. (“ My mom was making me put basketball on hold, until I could maintain all A's and B's. I set myself a goal and I was determined to reach it. I knew my friend wanted to play on the team, but he never made it. I told him I would help him out and coach him the best I could, just so he could fill my spot on the team. Only, this led me away from being able to keep my grades up. I didn't know helping a friend reach their goal would distract me from mine. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ My handling of the deferred dream was to overcome and out run all the obstacles. Relating this to the poem, which says you shouldn't give up your dream or put it on hold, my opinion differs. It's never too late to achieve a goal, no matter how long it's been postponed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ As 9th grade started, I was slacking. Shortly after the first 9 weeks, I made the honor role. I was so proud of myself for not giving up. And when basketball tryouts came, I made the team. In the long run of sticking it out and not letting my dreams ‘dry up like a raisin in the sun,’ or become anything less, I reached them and they became a reality.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Like Langston Hughes said "how would you hand deferring a dream?" Would You abandon it or eventaully revisit your dream? What would happen if you had to defer a dream or a goal in order to help someone close to you?

I had defer a personal goal or dream when I came to WORK Institute. When I came to work institute I told myself that I wouldn't talk to anyone, just try to go through high school by myself. By the middle of the first quarter everyone was my friend so I defer my goal at being by myself. Another personal goal or dream I defer was track, I ran track for four years and I told myself that I would stop running and focus on my music for the next year. So the next year came and my coach called and ask was I running track, I had to tell a story and say I had to do something or I'm on punishment every time he called. So one day he called talking about they need me to run so I told him just this track meet, and at the end of the day told him that I would run the rest of the year so I defer the dream, or goal and still to this day I runs track & field.

If I had to defer a dream or goal in order to help someone close to me I would because that might be a family member or someone I just care about a lot. If that do happen I wouldn't be mad or upset because I know that I help someone I care about, and I'm not just thinking about myself. I would feel that I have succeed because there is nothing like helping someone close to you, and not only someone close to you but just someone. If my dream or a goal defers I would abandon it because if it does defer it defers for a reason not just because I forgot about it, it's because I need to help someone or do something else. It depends on what my dream is if I decide to go revisit it. When I make a dream or goal I just don't plan it just because it has to be a reason for it ,usually when I dream I don't dream about any thing serious.

My defers a dream relates to this poem because I don't know what a dream or a goal does if it defers. I would love to know what dreams do when they are wasted or put to the side because of something important or just for nonsense. I think that's a good question, if everybody just stops and ask their self that questions then maybe the world would change, maybe people would stop doing ignorant stuff and pay attention to their dreams, maybe one day that would happen, just some day.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes only a few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“I had defer a personal goal or dream when I came to WORK Institute.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing a time when a dream was deferred, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the repetitiveness of the details renders the essay limited at best. (“If I had to defer a dream or goal in order to help someone close to me I would because that might be a family member or someone I just care about a lot. If that do happen I wouldn't be mad or upset because I know that I help someone I care about, and I'm not just thinking about myself. I would feel that I have succeed because there is nothing like helping someone close to you, and not only someone close to you but just someone. If my dream or a goal defers I would abandon it because if it does defer it defers for a reason not just because I forgot about it, it's because I need to help someone or do something else. It depends on what my dream is if I decide to go revisit it.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the poem, including specific information about his/her own deferred dream. (“Like Langston Hughes said ‘how would you hand deferring a dream?’ Would You abandon it or eventaully revisit your dream? What would happen if you had to defer a dream or a goal in order to help someone close to you? I had defer a personal goal or dream when I came to WORK Institute. When I came to work institute I told myself that I wouldn't talk to anyone, just try to go through high school by myself. By the middle of the first quarter everyone was my friend so I defer my goal at being by myself.”)

Content & Development

The writer includes limited details that connect the essay question to the poem. (“So one day he called talking about they need me to run so I told him just this track meet, and at the end of the day told him that I would run the rest of the year so I defer the dream, or goal and still to this day I runs track & field.”)

The essay provides limited details to illustrate main ideas. In fact, many of the writer’s ideas are repetitive and do little to highlight specific insights into the ways a deferred dream would be handled. (“If my dream or a goal defers I would abandon it because if it does defer it defers for a reason not just because I forgot about it, it's because I need to help someone or do something else. It depends on what my dream is if I decide to go revisit it. When I make a dream or goal I just don't plan it just because it has to be a reason for it ,usually when I dream I don't dream about any thing serious.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. Notably, the writer could have used direct quotations from the poem. This would have enhanced the overall message to the intended audience. (“My defers a dream relates to this poem because I don't know what a dream or a goal does if it defers. I would love to know what dreams do when they are wasted or put to the side because of something important or just for nonsense.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by posing a question related to the prompt task. (“ Like Langston Hughes said ‘how would you hand deferring a dream?’ Would You abandon it or eventaully revisit your dream? What would happen if you had to defer a dream or a goal in order to help someone close to you? ”)

There is limited use of subtle t ransitional devices to connect ideas. (“ By the middle of the first quarter everyone was my friend so I defer my goal at being by myself. Another personal goal or dream I defer was track, I ran track for four years and I told myself that I would stop running and focus on my music for the next year. So the next year came and my coach called and ask was I running track, I had to tell a story and say I had to do something or I'm on punishment every time he called. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is limited; the ideas are only briefly summarized, and the writer’s inappropriate tone does not add to the overall effectiveness of the message. (“ My defers a dream relates to this poem because I don't know what a dream or a goal does if it defers. I would love to know what dreams do when they are wasted or put to the side because of something important or just for nonsense. I think that's a good question, if everybody just stops and ask their self that questions then maybe the world would change, maybe people would stop doing ignorant stuff and pay attention to their dreams, maybe one day that would happen, just some day. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited use of language and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but it relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ So one day he called talking about they need me to run so I told him just this track meet, and at the end of the day told him that I would run the rest of the year so I defer the dream, or goal and still to this day I runs track & field. ”)

Although the writer attempts to give an informative tone to the response, he/she does not maintain enough focus on the details of the deferred dream for readers to relate to the ways in which it was handled. Additionally, the syntax and repetitious tone make the response difficult to follow. (“ If my dream or a goal defers I would abandon it because if it does defer it defers for a reason not just because I forgot about it, it's because I need to help someone or do something else. It depends on what my dream is if I decide to go revisit it. When I make a dream or goal I just don't plan it just because it has to be a reason for it ,usually when I dream I don't dream about any thing serious. ”)

There is weak sentence structure in portions of the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ If I had to defer a dream or goal in order to help someone close to me I would because that might be a family member or someone I just care about a lot. If that do happen I wouldn't be mad or upset because I know that I help someone I care about, and I'm not just thinking about myself.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ Like Langston Hughes said ‘how would you hand deferring a dream?’ Would You abandon it or eventaully revisit your dream? What would happen if you had to defer a dream or a goal in order to help someone close to you? ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

If i was ever to have to put my dreams and goals on hold to help someone close to me would i eventually revisit my dream or would i abandon it after some time. Well if always had in my mind to do all as you can but still be able to put yourself first. I guess it just depends on how close that person is to me. So in my life there was never really any specific moment that comes to me. In my view I think he is trying to come a cross is a deeper meaning like to me it feels like he is trying to say that like after death are you something more or do u just die and that's it. For Langston Hughes I think he is trying to get across that he thinks there is a bigger meaning to life and or do you leave giving all you could. Like in the part were he says ''dose it dry up like a raisin in the sun"? like is that it is this all it comes to.

Every body's life is different but were do we all go when its over. Maybe all you have done stays with you or like he says ''Maybe it just sags like a heavy load”. I mean there is life and death but is that it is there anything after. Life is what you make it so make it all you can. When your dead and gone you could you could fester like a sore like he said in his poem. What makes life is what you make it so think of what you want and you need. Cause losing anything can result in alot.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the idea of deferred dreams; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“If i was ever to have to put my dreams and goals on hold to help someone close to me would i eventually revisit my dream or would i abandon it after some time. Well if always had in my mind to do all as you can but still be able to put yourself first. I guess it just depends on how close that person is to me. So in my life there was never really any specific moment that comes to me.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for handling his/her deferred dream. (“If i was ever to have to put my dreams and goals on hold to help someone close to me would i eventually revisit my dream or would i abandon it after some time. Well if always had in my mind to do all as you can but still be able to put yourself first.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support the ways he/she would handle a deferred dream. (“ Maybe all you have done stays with you or like he says ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. I mean there is life and death but is that it is there anything after. Life is what you make it so make it all you can.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using only a few details from the poem for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that connect the essay question to the poem. The writer seems to be attempting to address how a deferred dream would be handled; however, he/she falls short on delivering enough content to develop the idea in a meaningful way. (“For Langston Hughes I think he is trying to get across that he thinks there is a bigger meaning to life and or do you leave giving all you could. Like in the part were he says ‘dose it dry up like a raisin in the sun’? like is that it is this all it comes to.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the poem) are not used effectively to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Every body's life is different but were do we all go when its over. Maybe all you have done stays with you or like he says ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. I mean there is life and death but is that it is there anything after.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to effectively support the central/controlling idea. (“When your dead and gone you could you could fester like a sore like he said in his poem. What makes life is what you make it so think of what you want and you need.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization in the task response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“If i was ever to have to put my dreams and goals on hold to help someone close to me would i eventually revisit my dream or would i abandon it after some time. Well if always had in my mind to do all as you can but still be able to put yourself first.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that explain, in detail, the ways in which his/her deferred dream would be handled. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“I guess it just depends on how close that person is to me. So in my life there was never really any specific moment that comes to me. In my view I think he is trying to come a cross is a deeper meaning like to me it feels like he is trying to say that like after death are you something more or do u just die and that's it.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main idea of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ When your dead and gone you could you could fester like a sore like he said in his poem. What makes life is what you make it so think of what you want and you need. Cause losing anything can result in alot. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“ Like in the part were he says ‘dose it dry up like a raisin in the sun’? like is that it is this all it comes to.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many sentences. (“ Every body's life is different but were do we all go when its over. Maybe all you have done stays with you or like he says ‘Maybe it just sags like a heavy load’. I mean there is life and death but is that it is there anything after. Life is what you make it so make it all you can. When your dead and gone you could you could fester like a sore like he said in his poem.”)

There is repetition. (“ Life is what you make it so make it all you can. When your dead and gone you could you could fester like a sore like he said in his poem. What makes life is what you make it so think of what you want and you need. Cause losing anything can result in alot.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“ In my view I think he is trying to come a cross is a deeper meaning like to me it feels like he is trying to say that like after death are you something more or do u just die and that's it. For Langston Hughes I think he is trying to get across that he thinks there is a bigger meaning to life and or do you leave giving all you could. Like in the part were he says ‘dose it dry up like a raisin in the sun’? ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Some people help others rather then looking over themselves. i have had a lot of dream deferred but there is one that realy conects with this poem. the dream that was deferred was when i bearly started to realiz things as a teen you can say. i stared to realiz what i had to do to help my family, being a streight a student, and be able to go to college and studdy as a nurs. when i found out that my family was going thrugh rugh times with bills and family problem. i had desided to stop being selfish and think bout family so i starded to save up monny and giving it to my parents for the bills insted of saving it for my futer. my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she fails to support assertions with analysis from the poem and makes no meaningful connections among the task, ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a compelling central or controlling idea. It is difficult to determine from the very beginning what the writer wants to convey. The response is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details that would clearly reveal the ways the writer’s deferred dream would be handled. (“i have had a lot of dream deferred but there is one that realy conects with this poem. the dream that was deferred was when i bearly started to realiz things as a teen you can say.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“…so i starded to save up monny and giving it to my parents for the bills insted of saving it for my futer. my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the poem to support the writer’s experiences in handling a dream deferred.

The essay fails to include adequate details from the poem that connect the prompt task to the piece. The writer seems to be attempting to address how he/she handled a deferred dream but does not develop the idea in any way. (“when i found out that my family was going thrugh rugh times with bills and family problem. i had desided to stop being selfish and think bout family so i starded to save up monny and giving it to my parents for the bills insted of saving it for my futer.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“the dream that was deferred was when i bearly started to realiz things as a teen you can say. i stared to realiz what i had to do to help my family, being a streight a student, and be able to go to college and studdy as a nurs.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“…my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay response is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Some people help others rather then looking over themselves. i have had a lot of dream deferred but there is one that realy conects with this poem.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ i stared to realiz what i had to do to help my family, being a streight a student, and be able to go to college and studdy as a nurs. when i found out that my family was going thrugh rugh times with bills and family problem. i had desided to stop being selfish and think bout family so i starded to save up monny and giving it to my parents for the bills insted of saving it for my futer.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.”)

Language Use & Style

There are sentence fragments in the response, which hinder understanding of the writer’s ideas. (“ when i found out that my family was going thrugh rugh times with bills and family problem.”)

The structure of some sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ my parents didn't want to take my money that i had saved up so i sniked it in there walet. like if it had alwayz been there.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ the dream that was deferred was when i bearly started to realiz things as a teen you can say.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should begin each sentence with a capital letter, ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“i have had a lot of dream deferred but there is one that realy conects with this poem. the dream that was deferred was when i bearly started to realiz things as a teen you can say. i stared to realiz what i had to do to help my family, being a streight a student, and be able to go to college and studdy as a nurs.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

“I’m Nobody! Who Are You?”

Read the following poem by American poet Emily Dickinson. Write an essay in which you explain what Emily Dickinson thinks it means to be a "nobody" versus being a "somebody" and discuss how you think this poem applies to the life of today's teenager.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Emily Dickinson, the famous American poet, lived over 100 years ago. She lived in Amherst , Massachusetts , and was often called the "moth of Amherst " because she went through a stage where she wore nothing but white. She didn't come out of the house much and was a very private person, however she was said to be a great conversationalist. No one was aware Emily wrote poems. She stuffed them in a drawer when she finished them, most written on just small pieces of paper without titles. When Emily died, her sister was cleaning out the house and happened to find these secret, hidden poems. She numbered them in the order that she found them, and made them known to the public. One of the poems that her sister found was "I'm Nobody! Who are you?" This is a poem that is very powerful and that's message is as applicable today as it was in Dickinson 's time.

The first stanza in the poem "I'm Nobody! Who are you?" reads:

"I'm nobody! Who are you?

Are you - Nobody - Too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! They'd advertise - you know!"

What did Dickinson mean by being a "nobody"? I feel that Dickinson saw someone who was a "nobody" as someone who was a good, humble person who didn't need to be pointed out for their accomplishments or to their get self-esteem. I feel she saw someone who was a "nobody" as someone who wasn't very well known, but was happy with themselves and their lives. I think that Emily feels that there aren't enough "nobodys" in the world, because good people tend to get "advertised", or recognized, causing them to be "somebodys". This applies today. There are people who are happy being themselves and don't need or want the world's recognition. I feel these are the average people who live day to day with a smile on their faces, content with the life they live and what they have and don't care what the world thinks of them. These people can be hard to find, but are present in today's society.

What did Dickinson mean by being a "somebody"? The next stanza in the poem reads:

"How dreary—to be—Somebody!

How public—like a Frog—

To tell one's name—the livelong June—

To an admiring Bog!"

I believe Emily thinks as those who are "somebodys" as rich, admired, boastful, cocky people who need the world's recognition to live and feel good about themselves, or as people seeking the world's acceptance and recognition. I think that recognition causes people to lose sight of what is really important in our lives. It causes us to focus on that which won't make us, but the world happy which is nothing but a false happiness. Emily Dickinson obviously doesn't think very highly of "somebodys" because she compares them to a frog, a slimy creature. She compares the world - who the frog boasts too - to a bog, which is a smelly swamp. This proves that Emily feels "somebodys" are worthless and insecure, and that she feels it is much better to be a "nobody" as compared to a "somebody".

I feel Emily Dickinson was a very private, but smart person. I don't believe Emily Dickinson had low self esteem, but that she felt very happy and content with her life, and was fine being a "nobody". I feel that this poem has a lot to do with learning to love ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are and not care if the world accepts us or not, because the world's acceptance is a false happiness. It is better to be ourselves and accepted for who we are then to be accepted by what the world wants. I feel that teenagers struggle with this aspect in life because they are seeking acceptance by anyone, and sometimes to do so tend to focus on that which the world wants to be accepted. They become "somebodys". The key, however, is to learn to love ourselves unconditionally, and to be happy with our lives and what we have. The key is to become a "nobody."

I feel the poem "I'm Nobody! Who are you?" is a very influential, deep poem that can be looked at many different ways. However, people are still wanting acceptance and have to learn to love themselves. Nothing has changed. The messages this poem portrays are as applicable today as they were in Dickinson 's time, over 100 years ago.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this thoughtful response, the writer addresses each of the elements of the task in turn, from exploring “somebodys” and “nobodys” to connecting these ideas to the youth of today. Moreover, the writer demonstrates some knowledge of the poet herself in the introduction, a feat that lends additional credence to the rest of the essay (“One of the poems that her sister found was ‘I'm Nobody! Who are you?’ This is a poem that is very powerful and that's message is as applicable today as it was in Dickinson 's time”). Given the quality of the analysis of the poem and insightful connections drawn between the task and the ideas in the poem, the writer handily completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

The writer’s analysis of the poem is straightforward and complete. The writer cites the original text of the poem in supporting his/her position and interpretation of Dickinson ’s work (“What did Dickinson mean by being a ‘nobody’? I feel that Dickinson saw someone who was a ‘nobody’ as someone who was a good, humble person who didn't need to be pointed out for their accomplishments or to their get self-esteem” and “I believe Emily thinks as those who are ‘somebodys’ as rich, admired, boastful, cocky people who need the world's recognition to live and feel good about themselves”). In making the connection between this poem and what it means to be a teenager, however, the writer displays a very mature perspective (“The key, however, is to learn to love ourselves unconditionally, and to be happy with our lives and what we have. The key is to become a ‘nobody’”). Overall, the writer’s fundamental analysis is clear and appreciation of the author’s message deep.

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. The introduction not only sets the stage for the writer’s analysis, but it also makes clear the writer’s efforts to better understand the poet herself, which in turn sheds light on Dickinson’s possible motives in writing the poem as she did. This writer has done his/her homework! The body is organized around the three key questions that have to be answered and makes effective use of transitional devices throughout. In the conclusion, the writer summarizes his/her points and imparts the enduring value of Dickinson ’s words (“Nothing has changed. The messages this poem portrays are as applicable today as they were in Dickinson 's time, over 100 years ago”).

Language Use & Style

The writer’s choice of words and sentences is ample for the task and audience. Words are used precisely to convey the writer’s analysis (“Emily Dickinson obviously doesn't think very highly of ‘somebodys’ because she compares them to a frog, a slimy creature”). The sentences are, for the most part, well structured and varied, although a few examples of poorly worded sentences could be cited (“However, people are still wanting acceptance and have to learn to love themselves”). Otherwise, the writer’s voice is articulate and strong, and the essay is clearly addressed to the target audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

Aside from the instances of poorly worded sentences previously noted, the writer commits few glaring errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling to detract from the presentation of his/her interpretation. (“I feel that this poem has a lot to do with learning to love ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are and not care if the world accepts us or not, because the world's acceptance is a false happiness.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you sometimes feel like you are a nobody? Quite a few people feel like that all through their lives and they do not say a thing about it. Emily Dickinson wrote a poem that talks about being a nobody verses a somebody. Being a nobody has its ups and downs. For example, you can go through times in your life and you can go unnoticed if you wanted it. Other times though you might feel so lonely. Being a nobody can be worth it, but it also can be so depressing.

Everybody feels like a nobody at some point in their lives. In Dickinson 's poem she writes, "I'm Nobody! Who are you?" The world is full of people, and sometimes they go unnoticed. In those times when they go unnoticed, they feel like they are all alone in the world. They are so used to be alone that they are scared to tell people what they feel. They go through life at times wishing they were not alone and wanting so badly to tell someone, but they want to stay alone because they are scared of change. People who are alone can be scared, and sometimes they do not want change.

What is advertisement? Advertisement is a notice or an announcement that draws public attention. Dickinson 's poem says, "Don't tell! they'd advertise-you know." Advertising that you are a nobody can quickly change what you are. By telling someone that you are a nobody they begin to change that. They take notice of you and you start to become somebody. It is nice to be noticed every so often, but it can get old quickly. Being a nobody can change very quickly with only a few words to change it.

In the world, everybody is a somebody. They might not feel like they are, but everyone has their place in the world. Dickinson 's poem states, "How dreary - to be - somebody." It is not that much fun to be the center of attention all the time. It is nice to get attention every so often because people then feel like they are loved and that they are important. It can be nice though to be able to "hide away" and be a nobody because often times people have issues that they want to deal with on their own. By getting attention every so often, people can feel like they are loved and that they are a somebody.

Dickinson's poem gives the overall feeling that it is better to be a nobody rather than a somebody. Most people would probably disagree and say that it's better to be a somebody at times because of the love, the feeling that they are wanted, and they feel like they have a place in the world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer quickly establishes a controlling idea (“Emily Dickinson wrote a poem that talks about being a nobody verses a somebody. Being a nobody has its ups and downs. For example, you can go through times in your life and you can go unnoticed if you wanted it. Other times though you might feel so lonely”) that remains the center of his/her focus throughout the essay. The writer also offers some direct analysis of the poem and makes clear connections between the task and the ideas in the poem. This response clearly completes the task assigned.

Content & Development

In this essay, the writer develops ideas fully and clearly using a variety of details and examples. For example, in the second paragraph, the writer defines a nobody. (“The world is full of people, and sometimes they go unnoticed. In those times when they go unnoticed, they feel like they are all alone in the world.”) In the following paragraph, the student analyzes the benefits of being a nobody as described in the poem. (“ Dickinson 's poem says, ‘Don't tell! they'd advertise-you know.’ Advertising that you are a nobody can quickly change what you are. By telling someone that you are a nobody they begin to change that. They take notice of you and you start to become somebody. It is nice to be noticed every so often, but it can get old quickly.”)

Organization

This response is organized using a mostly unified structure. The introduction grabs the reader’s attention. (“Do you sometimes feel like you are a nobody? Quite a few people feel like that all through their lives and they do not say a thing about it.”) Each body paragraph is focused and well structured. However, including additional transitional devices would be beneficial. The conclusion is appropriate and reiterates the main idea of the poem. (“ Dickinson 's poem gives the overall feeling that it is better to be a nobody rather than a somebody. Most people would probably disagree and say that it's better to be a somebody at times because of the love, the feeling that they are wanted, and they feel like they have a place in the world.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is appropriate for both the task and the intended audience. Words are well chosen and appropriate. Sentences are also properly constructed and exhibit variety. (“It can be nice though to be able to ‘hide away’ and be a nobody because often times people have issues that they want to deal with on their own. By getting attention every so often, people can feel like they are loved and that they are a somebody.”) At times, evidence of voice is noticeable as well. (“What is advertisement? Advertisement is a notice or an announcement that draws public attention.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer’s ability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing is strong. Minor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“Most people would probably disagree and say that it's better to be a somebody at times because of the love, the feeling that they are wanted, and they feel like they have a place in the world.”) can be detected, although they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think Emily Dickinson believes that a nobody is a person who is left out or unwanted. She seems to think that she is one of those people. The reason why I say that is because it is as if everyone else except her and the person she is talking to is a somebody.

This applies to the life of a teenager because at school and outside of school there are social groups. There may be two, like somebody and nobody, but usually there are labels like prep and geek. In most places, the 'popular' kids, or the somebodies, make fun of the nobodies and exclude them. Maybe that's why Emily Dickinson was telling the other excluded person not to tell or else they'll banish them.

The phrase 'How dreary to be somebody How public like a frog' probably refers to the fact that a lot of today's teenagers excluded others and in return the ones being picked on just remain quiet. Some of them don't even talk to anyone but teachers until the day is over. I think they do that because they think the 'somebodies' are forcing them to act that way.

The last two lines probably refer to being alone and not having anyone to talk to, that may be why they are telling their names to the bog. They need someone to talk to and nobody will listen. This poem doesn't just apply to teenagers either. Even in work places and neighborhoods judging and social groups continue. I guess it's just a part of life that we all will have to live with at one point or another.

Overall, the average teenager is either made fun of, or makes fun of others. If that would end, then there would be peace, but the chances are unlikely. The social groups are based on clothes, looks, and money, but never on personality. I think it's always better to have a few real friends based on the way they act and what they care about than to have a ton of friends that are somebodies and don't really care about anyone but themselves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

It is clear that the writer of this essay has adequately attempted to analyze the poem and apply its message to the life of a modern teenager. The essay establishes a basic analysis of the task through its controlling idea. (“I think Emily Dickinson believes that a nobody is a person who is left out or unwanted. She seems to think that she is one of those people. “) There are implied connections between the assigned task, the poem, and its literary elements.

Content & Development

This response demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer uses some specific and accurate evidence to support his/her central idea. For example, in the second paragraph, the writer makes appropriate connections between the themes in the poem and life in high school. (“This applies to the life of a teenager because at school and outside of school there are social groups. There may be two, like somebody and nobody, but usually there are labels like prep and geek. In most places, the 'popular' kids, or the somebodies, make fun of the nobodies and exclude them.”)

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The introduction is noticeable and each body paragraph is focused around a particular supporting idea. (“The last two lines probably refer to being alone and not having anyone to talk to, that may be why they are telling their names to the bog.”) The conclusion ends the composition appropriately by further connecting the poem to students’ lives. (“Overall, the average teenager is either made fun of, or makes fun of others. If that would end, then there would be peace, but the chances are unlikely. The social groups are based on clothes, looks, and money, but never on personality.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is appropriate for this task, but it is generally unremarkable. The essay displays appropriate language use and word choice, with some awareness of the audience and projection of voice. (“I think it's always better to have a few real friends based on the way they act and what they care about than to have a ton of friends that are somebodies and don't really care about anyone but themselves.”) Most sentences are properly structured with some variety.

Mechanics & Conventions

While the writer’s control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is adequate, some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are obvious to the reader, even if they don’t significantly interfere with the reader’s ability to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. (“Maybe that's why Emily Dickinson was telling the other excluded person not to tell or else they'll banish them.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that Emily is trying to say that a nobody is an unpopular person that docent care what other people think and they don't try to impress anyone. People should be happy with whom they are. A "somebody" seems happier than a "nobody". They have friends, they know all the styles, and it seems they will always be happy. Emily says this is just not so. With being a somebody comes pressure. Pressure to stay up with the fads and the newest hits, pressure to make everybody happy, pressure to impress the people who don't like them, and the list goes on.

Pressures of being a "somebody" tend to make people a little rude. They might point a "nobody" out and make fun of them. Whether they mean to or not that is the way it is. Yet no matter what a "somebody" does to make a "nobody" miserable in the long run the "nobody" will be happier.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer proffers a clear statement of his/her controlling idea (“Yet no matter what a ‘somebody’ does to make a’nobody’ miserable in the long run the ‘nobody’ will be happier”), although the analysis of the poem that is offered is basic and non-specific. The connections that are drawn between the poem and the lives of modern teenagers are similarly limited (“Pressures of being a ‘somebody’ tend to make people a little rude”). Overall, the writer is only partially successful at interpreting Dickinson ’s poem and showing its relevance for the modern teenager and thus, the assigned task is only partially complete.

Content & Development

The writer’s interpretation of Dickinson’s poem is brief and inconsistent, using no specific evidence or references from the poem itself (“I think that Emily is trying to say that a nobody is an unpopular person that docent care what other people think and they don't try to impress anyone … With being a somebody comes pressure. Pressure to stay up with the fads and the newest hits, pressure to make everybody happy, pressure to impress the people who don't like them, and the list goes on”). The writer also offers little support for the connections that are made between this poem and the modern teenager’s life (“Pressures of being a ‘somebody’ tend to make people a little rude. They might point a ‘nobody’ out and make fun of them”). While the writer’s thesis is clear to the reader, it is by no means compelling or engaging.

Organization

In this short response, the organizational structure is very basic. While ideas do flow from beginning to end, the essay lacks a distinct introduction and conclusion. Transitional devices are similarly lacking. (“ I think that Emily is trying to say that a nobody is an unpopular person that docent care what other people think and they don't try to impress anyone. People should be happy with whom they are. A ‘somebody’ seems happier than a ‘nobody’. They have friends, they know all the styles, and it seems they will always be happy. Emily says this is just not so. With being a somebody comes pressure. Pressure to stay up with the fads and the newest hits, pressure to make everybody happy, pressure to impress the people who don't like them, and the list goes on.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language and style could best be described as simple. While generally correct sentences and words are employed in this essay, they tend to lack descriptive power. Thus, the impact of the writer’s interpretation is lessened (“They might point a "nobody" out and make fun of them. Whether they mean to or not that is the way it is”). Otherwise, it seems that the writer is aware of the intended audience, even if his/her voice lacks distinction.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains a mostly decent grasp of the mechanics and conventions of writing. A few minor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“docent”) can be detected, although they don’t generally detract from the writer’s message. (“I think that Emily is trying to say that a nobody is an unpopular person that docent care what other people think and they don't try to impress anyone.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that Emily Dickinson feels like she is a nobody and that she is asking if anyone else feels like a nobody. I dont think that being a nobody is a bad thing It can be a good thing because your not stuck up like popular people. I think that she wants to be somebody so that she is excepted in life. she thinks that being a somebody is dreary. I can relate to this poem because it tells us how other people feel about being a nobody compared to being a somebody. No I have never felt like I was a nobody or a somebody just inbetween.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer’s interpretation of the poem and application of it to the modern teenager’s experience is both confused and incomplete. The writer is unable to convincingly interpret Dickinson ’s work and fails to draw upon ideas in the poem to provide the reader with additional context. Lacking a clear controlling idea, this response is limited in its ability to communicate with the intended audience and inadequately completes the assigned task. (“I think that Emily Dickinson feels like she is a nobody and that she is asking if anyone else feels like a nobody. I dont think that being a nobody is a bad thing It can be a good thing because your not stuck up like popular people. I think that she wants to be somebody so that she is excepted in life. she thinks that being a somebody is dreary.”)

Content & Development

It is hard to interpret the writer’s line of reasoning in this essay. The writer supplies a contradictory interpretation of Dickinson ’s feelings of “somebodys” and “nobodys” (“I think that she wants to be somebody so that she is excepted in life. she thinks that being a somebody is dreary”). This is followed by a similarly contradictory statement about the implications of this poem for modern youth (“I can relate to this poem because it tells us how other people feel about being a nobody compared to being a somebody. No I have never felt like I was a nobody or a somebody just inbetween”). Overall, the writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the poem.

Organization

In this short essay, it is not easy for the writer to implement or the reader to discern a meaningful organizational structure. While the ideas seem to flow from beginning to end, there is no evidence of an introduction or conclusion and the writer fails to link ideas in the body with effective transitional devices. (“I think that Emily Dickinson feels like she is a nobody and that she is asking if anyone else feels like a nobody. I dont think that being a nobody is a bad thing It can be a good thing because your not stuck up like popular people. I think that she wants to be somebody so that she is excepted in life. she thinks that being a somebody is dreary. I can relate to this poem because it tells us how other people feel about being a nobody compared to being a somebody. No I have never felt like I was a nobody or a somebody just inbetween.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s ability to use language is poor. Simple language use fails to properly address the audience or give expression to the writer’s voice, while basic errors in sentence structure impede the writer’s ability to communicate effectively with the reader (“I dont think that being a nobody is a bad thing It can be a good thing because your not stuck up like popular people” and “No I have never felt like I was a nobody or a somebody just inbetween”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer shows some control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Some minor errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“excepted” and “inbetween”) distract from the presentation of the writer’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"I;m nobody! Who are you?" could be interperated in many different ways. Depending on the readers perspective, they might agree or they may disagree. they might have a positive reaction or a negitive. After reading the poem several times i began to see both sides of what readers may be thinking. many may think " that peom fits me" others would feel like "I AM NOT A NOBODY, I am ...".

First of all,

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer fails to present a meaningful position to the reader. Nor is it evident that the writer has attempted to interpret or analyze the poem. A complete lack of meaningful connections between the task and ideas in the poem leaves the assignment incomplete. (“‘I;m nobody! Who are you?’ could be interperated in many different ways. Depending on the readers perspective, they might agree or they may disagree. they might have a positive reaction or a negitive. After reading the poem several times i began to see both sides of what readers may be thinking. many may think ‘ that peom fits me’ others would feel like ‘I AM NOT A NOBODY, I am ...’”)

Content & Development

Because this essay appears to have been left incomplete, it is unclear whether the writer’s vacillation in the first paragraph was leading to something or was simply submitted in place of a meaningful interpretation of the poem (“Depending on the readers perspective, they might agree or they may disagree. they might have a positive reaction or a negitive”). What is clear is that what writing has been submitted fails to develop any engaging ideas, using no meaningful references that would imply the writer had actually read the assigned poem.

Organization

There is no evidence of a unified structure guiding and shaping this response. No discernable introduction or conclusion has been developed, and the reader is unable to detect a comprehensible transition from one idea to the next. (“(“‘I;m nobody! Who are you?’ could be interperated in many different ways. Depending on the readers perspective, they might agree or they may disagree. they might have a positive reaction or a negitive. After reading the poem several times i began to see both sides of what readers may be thinking. many may think ‘ that peom fits me’ others would feel like ‘I AM NOT A NOBODY, I am ...’”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s ability to use written language to communicate his/her interpretation of Dickinson ’s poem to the audience is severely limited. Unclear and incoherent language use, without an awareness of the desired audience and coupled with major errors in sentence structure, reduces the value of this essay (“After reading the poem several times i began to see both sides of what readers may be thinking. many may think ‘ that peom fits me’ others would feel like ‘I AM NOT A NOBODY, I am ...’”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Major errors in grammar, mechanics (“they might have a positive reaction or a negitive”), punctuation (“the readers perspective”), and spelling (“interperated”) highlight the writer’s inability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing and significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s ill-defined message.

Is the American Dream Worth Pursuing?

During the period from the early 1900s to the present, the American Dream has undergone many transformations. From the time of the early immigrants, through the Harlem Renaissance, and during the Modernistic Period, authors have recounted the trials and tribulations of those pursuing the American Dream.

After reflecting on the authors and selections you have read from American literature, determine whether you believe the American Dream is worth pursuing. In a well-developed essay, articulate your position and support your argument with references to works of American literature.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Failure of the American Dream

For an American, dreams play as large a role in everyday life as concrete achievements. It has been said that delusions are often as important to a person's happiness as much as real events, and there is much American literature, both contemporary and classic, that can attest to this. The American Dream has changed as the generations grow, and will continue to change as moral values and the economy continue to fluctuate. For example, the American Dream of an American woman in the 1920's would be quite different from the American Dream of a woman now. The loosely defined objectives of the modern American Dream would be prosperity, love, and acceptance; all of which seem rather modest in general terms. Pursuing dreams has been a touchy subject for many who have failed, and no society better knows the failure of the societal dream than that of the Americans. Through several pieces of literature, each dream can be seen in all its futility. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger illustrates how prosperity is impossible without motivation and education, The Great Gatsby attests to how love can still be unattainable even when the other factors are present, and Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko demonstrates how good old American discrimination and self-deprecation can eliminate any chance of being accepted. These wonderful works of American Literature each exemplify in their own way, why the American dream is a figment of a delusional populous' imagination.

To begin, a book filled with allusions to depression, mental illness, and mild attention-deficit disorder, The Catcher in the Rye gives a perfect example in Holden Caulfield of how prosperity can leave a slacker in the lurch. America today, and more or less the entire world, demands a high school diploma, and at least a four year college degree to command any sort of respect from work-place peers. To succeed in America , one must be willing to "play the game" (Salinger 6), and see the light at the end of the tunnel to make it through each day without attempting suicide. Schools especially, do not take kindly to a lack of work ethic, and Holden explicates that "they kicked me out they gave me frequent warning to start applying myself but I didn't do it. So I got the ax." (4). Holden was expelled from not just one, but more than three schools. He was given numerous opportunities to succeed, but had no work ethic, and therefore, had no hope of ever becoming prosperous. As a person and a student, Holden did not have the walls and delusions that most Americans possess to deal with the phonies who came his way. It became his obsessive reason for never doing anything with himself, as he explains the end of his education at another prep-school by saying, "One of the biggest reasons I left Elkton Hills was because I was surrounded by phonies. That's all" (13). Worse yet, he didn't have the ability to really differentiate between those who really were phony, and those who were just playing the game like everyone else, pursuing their own American Dream however they could. The logic displayed by Holden in The Catcher in the Rye attests to the futility of the American Dream by displaying the Dream's intolerance of the slacker mentality. For all who are not continuously denying themselves, the prosperity of the American Dream is impossible.

Similarly, The Great Gatsby shows a corresponding view on the concept of love in the American Dream, however already shows how the possession of other components of the American Dream can have no effect on one's achievement of the others. The main character of the book, Jay Gatsby, is very wealthy, even if it is by a life of a crime and dishonesty, and the people of America accept him because he's rich and good looking. No problem there. But a modern problem for Americans is that oftentimes, the one that they love is lost or promised to another, both in Gatsby's case. In this instance of dream failure, Gatsby's unshakeable plan to elope with his long lost love failed miserably when "her frightened eyes told that whatever intentions, whatever courage she had had, were definitely gone" ( Fitzgerald 135). Love is something that requires both parties to participate, and in America , many people find that the other person is unreliable. In the words of Nick Carraway, "only the dead dream fought on as the afternoon slipped away, trying to touch what was no longer tangible, struggling unhappily, despairingly, toward the lost voice across the room." (134). Love is a futile part of the American dream for the fact that people are notoriously unreliable, and will let you down even with the strongest of delusions.

Continuing with these precepts, in a day and age where racism and self-hatred run rampant, acceptance of someone as they truly are is difficult to find. An integral part of the American dream, it is natural human emotion to want acceptance by the society as a whole. As displayed by Tayo, a white-Indian half breed in the novel Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko, both a lack of acceptance by the part of an individual, and by the part of an entire society shows how acceptance in America is relatively unattainable. "The only reason for this hate was that Tayo was part white since he could remember, he had known Auntie's shame for what he his mother had done" (Silko 57). There will always be someone, whether it be another race, one’s own race, or one’s self, who will impose on dreams, with discrimination (based on long methods of living) being the main culprit.

Ultimately, the American dream is not worth pursuing, because modern American values do not facilitate it. No matter the character or circumstance, one cannot achieve that which is unattainable in our culture and society. It is my assertion then, that the American Dream and the pursuit there with, is a complete waste of time and resources. Focus should remain primarily on attaining the values and goals that are most important to each individual and not the predisposed notions of a defined society. The conformity of one notion of an American Dream is ludicrous, unattainable, and ultimately, futile for the pursuer of the “dream”. The dreamer should chase after what leads one’s heart, and it is in that pursuit, that true happiness is discovered.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the texts and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the stories, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selections. The writer clearly describes the pursuit and subsequent failures of three characters during their chases for the American Dream with clear and very descriptive details. (“Pursuing dreams has been a touchy subject for many who have failed, and no society better knows the failure of the societal dream than that of the Americans. Through several pieces of literature, each dream can be seen in all its futility. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger illustrates how prosperity is impossible without motivation and education, The Great Gatsby attests to how love can still be unattainable even when the other factors are present, and Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko demonstrates how good old American discrimination and self-deprecation can eliminate any chance of being accepted. These wonderful works of American Literature each exemplify in their own way, why the American dream is a figment of a delusional populous' imagination.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Ultimately, the American dream is not worth pursuing, because modern American values do not facilitate it. No matter the character or circumstance, one cannot achieve that which is unattainable in our culture and society. It is my assertion then, that the American Dream and the pursuit there with, is a complete waste of time and resources. Focus should remain primarily on attaining the values and goals that are most important to each individual and not the predisposed notions of a defined society. The conformity of one notion of an American Dream is ludicrous, unattainable, and ultimately, futile for the pursuer of the ‘dream’. The dreamer should chase after what leads one’s heart, and it is in that pursuit, that true happiness is discovered.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ As a person and a student, Holden did not have the walls and delusions that most Americans possess to deal with the phonies who came his way. It became his obsessive reason for never doing anything with himself, as he explains the end of his education at another prep-school by saying, ‘One of the biggest reasons I left Elkton Hills was because I was surrounded by phonies. That's all.’ (13). Worse yet, he didn't have the ability to really differentiate between those who really were phony, and those who were just playing the game like everyone else, pursuing their own American Dream however they could. The logic displayed by Holden in The Catcher in the Rye attests to the futility of the American Dream by displaying the Dream's intolerance of the slacker mentality. For all who are not continuously denying themselves, the prosperity of the American Dream is impossible.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the selected texts.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme, including specific information about the plots, characters, settings, or dialogue of specified literary works. (“ Similarly, The Great Gatsby shows a corresponding view on the concept of love in the American Dream, however already shows how the possession of other components of the American Dream can have no effect on one's achievement of the others. The main character of the book, Jay Gatsby, is very wealthy, even if it is by a life of a crime and dishonesty, and the people of America accept him because he's rich and good looking. No problem there. But a modern problem for Americans is that oftentimes, the one that they love is lost or promised to another, both in Gatsby's case. In this instance of dream failure, Gatsby's unshakeable plan to elope with his long lost love failed miserably when ‘her frightened eyes told that whatever intentions, whatever courage she had had, were definitely gone’ ( Fitzgerald 135). Love is something that requires both parties to participate, and in America , many people find that the other person is unreliable. ”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the selected texts. (“An integral part of the American dream, it is natural human emotion to want acceptance by the society as a whole. As displayed by Tayo, a white-Indian half breed in the novel Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko, both a lack of acceptance by the part of an individual, and by the part of an entire society shows how acceptance in America is relatively unattainable. ‘The only reason for this hate was that Tayo was part white since he could remember, he had known Auntie's shame for what he his mother had done.’ (Silko 57). There will always be someone, whether it be another race, one’s own race, or one’s self, who will impose on dreams, with discrimination (based on long methods of living) being the main culprit.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to selected literary pieces. (“ To succeed in America , one must be willing to ‘play the game’ (Salinger 6), and see the light at the end of the tunnel to make it through each day without attempting suicide. Schools especially, do not take kindly to a lack of work ethic, and Holden explicates that ‘they kicked me out they gave me frequent warning to start applying myself but I didn't do it. So I got the ax.’ (4). Holden was expelled from not just one, but more than three schools. He was given numerous opportunities to succeed, but had no work ethic, and therefore, had no hope of ever becoming prosperous. As a person and a student, Holden did not have the walls and delusions that most Americans possess to deal with the phonies who came his way. It became his obsessive reason for never doing anything with himself, as he explains the end of his education at another prep-school by saying, ‘One of the biggest reasons I left Elkton Hills was because I was surrounded by phonies. That's all.’ (13) ”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by defining the perceptions of the American Dream and the writer’s assertion that it is not worth pursuing. (“ For an American, dreams play as large a role in everyday life as concrete achievements. It has been said that delusions are often as important to a person's happiness as much as real events, and there is much American literature, both contemporary and classic, that can attest to this. The American Dream has changed as the generations grow, and will continue to change as moral values and the economy continue to fluctuate. For example, the American Dream of an American woman in the 1920's would be quite different from the American Dream of a woman now. The loosely defined objectives of the modern American Dream would be prosperity, love, and acceptance; all of which seem rather modest in general terms. Pursuing dreams has been a touchy subject for many who have failed, and no society better knows the failure of the societal dream than that of the Americans. Through several pieces of literature, each dream can be seen in all its futility. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger illustrates how prosperity is impossible without motivation and education, The Great Gatsby attests to how love can still be unattainable even when the other factors are present, and Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko demonstrates how good old American discrimination and self-deprecation can eliminate any chance of being accepted. These wonderful works of American Literature each exemplify in their own way, why the American dream is a figment of a delusional populous' imagination.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ To begin, a book filled with allusions to depression, mental illness, and mild attention-deficit disorder, The Catcher in the Rye gives a perfect example in Holden Caulfield of how prosperity can leave a slacker in the lurch. America today, and more or less the entire world, demands a high school diploma, and at least a four year college degree to command any sort of respect from work-place peers. To succeed in America , one must be willing to ‘play the game’ (Salinger 6), and see the light at the end of the tunnel to make it through each day without attempting suicide. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Ultimately, the American dream is not worth pursuing, because modern American values do not facilitate it. No matter the character or circumstance, one cannot achieve that which is unattainable in our culture and society. It is my assertion then, that the American Dream, and the pursuit there with, is a complete waste of time and resources. Focus should remain primarily on attaining the values and goals that are most important to each individual and not the predisposed notions of a defined society. The conformity of one notion of an American Dream is ludicrous, unattainable, and ultimately, futile for the pursuer of the ‘dream’. The dreamer should chase after what leads one’s heart, and it is in that pursuit, that true happiness is discovered.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer employs language that clearly promotes his/her stance on the futile pursuit of the American Dream. (“ Pursuing dreams has been a touchy subject for many who have failed, and no society better knows the failure of the societal dream than that of the Americans. Through several pieces of literature, each dream can be seen in all its futility. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger illustrates how prosperity is impossible without motivation and education, The Great Gatsby attests to how love can still be unattainable even when the other factors are present, and Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko demonstrates how good old American discrimination and self-deprecation can eliminate any chance of being accepted. These wonderful works of American Literature each exemplify in their own way, why the American dream is a figment of a delusional populous' imagination.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer asserts a strong opinion and gives the audience something to ponder, perhaps even moving them to reflect on their own definitions of the American Dream. (“ Ultimately, the American dream is not worth pursuing, because modern American values do not facilitate it. No matter the character or circumstance, one cannot achieve that which is unattainable in our culture and society. It is my assertion then, that the American Dream, and the pursuit there with, is a complete waste of time and resources. Focus should remain primarily on attaining the values and goals that are most important to each individual and not the predisposed notions of a defined society. The conformity of one notion of an American Dream is ludicrous, unattainable, and ultimately, futile for the pursuer of the ‘dream’. The dreamer should chase after what leads one’s heart, and it is in that pursuit, that true happiness is discovered.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Continuing with these precepts, in a day and age where racism and self-hatred run rampant, acceptance of someone as they truly are, is difficult to find. An integral part of the American dream, it is natural human emotion to want acceptance by the society as a whole. As displayed by Tayo, a white-Indian half breed in the novel Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko, both a lack of acceptance by the part of an individual, and by the part of an entire society shows how acceptance in America is relatively unattainable. ‘The only reason for this hate was that Tayo was part white since he could remember, he had known Auntie's shame for what he his mother had done.’ (Silko 57). There will always be someone, whether it be another race, one’s own race, or one’s self, who will impose on dreams, with discrimination (based on long methods of living) being the main culprit.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Ultimately, the American dream is not worth pursuing, because modern American values do not facilitate it. No matter the character or circumstance, one cannot achieve that which is unattainable in our culture and society. It is my assertion then, that the American Dream, and the pursuit there with, is a complete waste of time and resources. Focus should remain primarily on attaining the values and goals that are most important to each individual and not the predisposed notions of a defined society. The conformity of one notion of an American Dream is ludicrous, unattainable, and ultimately, futile for the pursuer of the ‘dream’. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Society influences many of the decisions people make in their lives. One of these influences includes the definition of the American Dream. Today's societal standards make the American Dream to be about family, education, and wealth. Although everyone's dream may differ from those characteristics, they are the basis of the dream. This American Dream is worth pursuing and is shown in various novels such as The Great Gatsby, The Long Walk, and The Catcher in the Rye . This American Dream is worth pursuing because it offers one goals in life, direction, and a feeling of importance.

Goals are something that one must have to make something out of his life. Goals help to provide one with something to strive for, and in return, receive a sense of accomplishment. The American Dream helps give one goals to try to attain. In The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of the main characters, Gatsby, is in search of this American Dream. He wants to be rich, well-educated, and loved. To accomplish his goals, he seeks higher education as seen in this quote, "I was brought up in America but educated at Oxford ." (68 Fitzgerald). This quote shows that education is an important part of life, something everyone should have. Gatsby also is in search of love throughout the whole novel, the love of Daisy. Gatsby goes all out to try and get her attention; he even becomes rich. Near the middle of the book, Gatsby finally sees Daisy once again, and they love each other once again. At this point in the novel, Gatsby was living the American Dream, he was on top of the world and he felt great. This is what everyone strives for in society, but may accomplish it is different ways.

Striving for perfection is an impossible feature, but having direction in one's life is not. By having an American Dream, one can be pointed in the right direction for a bright future. An example of someone without an American Dream and without direction is Holden Caulfield in the book The Catcher in the Rye . Holden was a distraught boy, whose brother died when he was young. After Holden’s younger brother Allie died, Holden felt life was not worth living. Holden's depression and isolation is explained through this quote, "I decided I'd take a room in a hotel in New York ." (51 Salinger). This quote emphasizes how Holden was going to leave his family, and everything else, and go to New York for no reason. Holden obviously did not have an American Dream or he would have had some direction. Holden is a classic example of what someone does not want to be like in his future, that being, a person without direction. The American Dream places this guidance in someone's life. For example, with The American Dream, one can attempt to buy the perfect house with the white picket fence and have a loving family. This futuristic target can give one the ambition to try harder day to day, which is why The American Dream is worth pursuing.

Trying harder day to day gets someone only so far in his life. A person never feels quite complete without some kind of love or companionship. This feeling of importance is another key characteristic to The American Dream. This love is what Gatsby had been trying to acquire his whole life, Daisy's love. Gatsby bought that house so that Daisy would be just across the bay (78 Fitzgerald). Although Gatsby was obsessed, he felt it necessary to make his life goal to obtain Daisy's love. By trying to get this, Gatsby gave himself direction. When Gatsby finally got her love, he was living his dream. To Gatsby, the struggle was well worth it. Another example of why it is important to feel the need to belong is from The Long Walk. One of the reasons the walkers joined the walk was so they felt important to the world. The walkers like Garraty wanted people cheering, "GARRATY!" The crowd screamed (370 King), for them. This made the walkers feel important. Another example in The Long Walk would be the quest of going home for love. Near the end of the book, Garraty realized that all he really wanted was to go home and be loved. He realized that he wanted money, but wanted family even more. Family is a big part of the American Dream and in Garraty's eyes, risking his life was still worth it.

All in all, pursuing the American Dream is well worth the struggle to obtain it. Although everyone's dream is different, there are similar characteristics such as family, money, and wealth. This dream essentially gives man goals in his life, direction, and a feeling of importance. Without the American Dream, there is nothing to pursue, and quite possibly, no happiness.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of selected texts and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the texts, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the assertion that the American Dream is worth pursuing and uses examples from three literary works to support the argument. (“ Today's societal standards make the American Dream to be about family, education, and wealth. Although everyone's dream may differ from those characteristics, they are the basis of the dream. This American Dream is worth pursuing and is shown in various novels such as The Great Gatsby, The Long Walk, and The Catcher in the Rye . This American Dream is worth pursuing because it offers one goals in life, direction, and a feeling of importance. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about plot, setting, character, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the selected literary pieces. (“ The American Dream helps give one goals to try to attain. In The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of the main characters, Gatsby, is in search of this American Dream. He wants to be rich, well-educated, and loved. To accomplish his goals, he seeks higher education as seen in this quote, ‘I was brought up in America but educated at Oxford .’ (68 Fitzgerald). This quote shows that education is an important part of life, something everyone should have. Gatsby also is in search of love throughout the whole novel, the love of Daisy. Gatsby goes all out to try and get her attention; he even becomes rich. Near the middle of the book, Gatsby finally sees Daisy once again, and they love each other once again. At this point in the novel, Gatsby was living the American Dream, he was on top of the world and he felt great. This is what everyone strives for in society, but may accomplish it is different ways. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about three different characters that are pursuing the American Dream in their own unique ways. (“ Trying harder day to day gets someone only so far in his life. A person never feels quite complete without some kind of love or companionship. This feeling of importance is another key characteristic to The American Dream. This love is what Gatsby had been trying to acquire his whole life, Daisy's love. Gatsby bought that house so that Daisy would be just across the bay (78 Fitzgerald). Although Gatsby was obsessed, he felt it necessary to make his life goal to obtain Daisy's love. By trying to get this, Gatsby gave himself direction. When Gatsby finally got her love, he was living his dream. To Gatsby, the struggle was well worth it.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the texts. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the chosen stories to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme, including specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue of each selected literary work. (“Striving for perfection is an impossible feature, but having direction in one's life is not. By having an American Dream, one can be pointed in the right direction for a bright future. An example of someone without an American Dream and without direction is Holden Caulfield in the book The Catcher in the Rye . Holden was a distraught boy, whose brother died when he was young. After Holden’s younger brother Allie died, Holden felt life was not worth living. Holden's depression and isolation is explained through this quote, ‘I decided I'd take a room in a hotel in New York .’ (51 Salinger). This quote emphasizes how Holden was going to leave his family, and everything else, and go to New York for no reason. Holden obviously did not have an American Dream or he would have had some direction.”)

The essay includes specific details and some glimpse into dialogue with clear references to the selected stories. (“Goals are something that one must have to make something out of his life. Goals help to provide one with something to strive for, and in return, receive a sense of accomplishment. The American Dream helps give one goals to try to attain. In The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of the main characters, Gatsby, is in search of this American Dream. He wants to be rich, well-educated, and loved. To accomplish his goals, he seeks higher education as seen in this quote, ‘I was brought up in America but educated at Oxford .’ (68 Fitzgerald). This quote shows that education is an important part of life, something everyone should have. Gatsby also is in search of love throughout the whole novel, the love of Daisy. Gatsby goes all out to try and get her attention; he even becomes rich. Near the middle of the book, Gatsby finally sees Daisy once again, and they love each other once again. At this point in the novel, Gatsby was living the American Dream, he was on top of the world and he felt great. This is what everyone strives for in society, but may accomplish it is different ways. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Trying harder day to day gets someone only so far in his life. A person never feels quite complete without some kind of love or companionship. This feeling of importance is another key characteristic to The American Dream. This love is what Gatsby had been trying to acquire his whole life, Daisy's love. Gatsby bought that house so that Daisy would be just across the bay (78 Fitzgerald). Although Gatsby was obsessed, he felt it necessary to make his life goal to obtain Daisy's love. By trying to get this, Gatsby gave himself direction. When Gatsby finally got her love, he was living his dream. To Gatsby, the struggle was well worth it.”)

Organization

The introduction is effective in identifying the writer’s definition of the American Dream, and sets forth the writer’s purpose to demonstrate this definition through the characters in three literary selections. (“ Society influences many of the decisions people make in their lives. One of these influences includes the definition of the American Dream. Today's societal standards make the American Dream to be about family, education, and wealth. Although everyone's dream may differ from those characteristics, they are the basis of the dream. This American Dream is worth pursuing and is shown in various novels such as The Great Gatsby, The Long Walk, and The Catcher in the Rye . This American Dream is worth pursuing because it offers one goals in life, direction, and a feeling of importance. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Striving for perfection is an impossible feature, but having direction in one's life is not. By having an American Dream, one can be pointed in the right direction for a bright future. An example of someone without an American Dream and without direction is Holden Caulfield in the book The Catcher in the Rye . Holden was a distraught boy, whose brother died when he was young. After Holden’s younger brother Allie died, Holden felt life was not worth living. Holden's depression and isolation is explained through this quote, ‘I decided I'd take a room in a hotel in New York .’ ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ All in all, pursuing the American Dream is well worth the struggle to obtain it. Although everyone's dream is different, there are similar characteristics such as family, money, and wealth. This dream essentially gives man goals in his life, direction, and a feeling of importance. Without the American Dream, there is nothing to pursue, and quite possibly, no happiness. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Trying harder day to day gets someone only so far in his life. A person never feels quite complete without some kind of love or companionship. This feeling of importance is another key characteristic to The American Dream. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ All in all, pursuing the American Dream is well worth the struggle to obtain it. Although everyone's dream is different, there are similar characteristics such as family, money, and wealth. This dream essentially gives man goals in his life, direction, and a feeling of importance. Without the American Dream, there is nothing to pursue, and quite possibly, no happiness. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ After Holden’s younger brother Allie died, Holden felt life was not worth living. Holden's depression and isolation is explained through this quote, ‘I decided I'd take a room in a hotel in New York .’ (51Salinger). This quote emphasizes how Holden was going to leave his family, and everything else, and go to New York for no reason. Holden obviously did not have an American Dream or he would have had some direction. Holden is a classic example of what someone does not want to be like in his future, that being, a person without direction. The American Dream places this guidance in someone's life. For example, with The American Dream, one can attempt to buy the perfect house with the white picket fence and have a loving family. This futuristic target can give one the ambition to try harder day to day, which is why The American Dream is worth pursuing. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ One of the reasons the walkers joined the walk was so they felt important to the world. The walkers like Garraty wanted people cheering, ‘GARRATY!’ The crowd screamed (370 King), for them. This made the walkers feel important. Another example in The Long Walk would be the quest of going home for love. Near the end of the book, Garraty realized that all he really wanted was to go home and be loved. He realized that he wanted money, but wanted family even more. Family is a big part of the American Dream and in Garraty's eyes, risking his life was still worth it. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

For many people in the United States , the so called American dream is a futuristic idea that is worked for their whole lives. It is not one actual thing or idea; it is many different ideas all put together into one big dream. The American dream changes from person to person. For one, it could be to own a huge company and live the high life. For another, it could be to get married and have a big family. I do not think there is a set American dream, therefore it is not worth pursueing. How can one pursue something if it is not actually there? Also, many people never even accomplish their dreams. Holden wanted to stay young forever and also keep all the children of the U.S. young and unknowing of all the horrible things the world has in store for them. Unfortunately for Holden, this dream was impossible and he never accomplished it. Another failure of achieving the American dream was Gatsby. He wanted to get married and keep his wife happy by being rich and giving her whatever she wanted. He got rich, but he ended up never getting married. Mainly, the American dream is not able to be accomplished at all, as much as young Americans wish it could be.

I believe that this American dream cannot be accomplished because it is not actually tangible. There is not a set American dream, and it almost seems unrealistic. The American dream changes from American to American, but it usually ends up the same way, by not being done. Holden, for example, had a fairy-tale like goal for his life. He wanted to protect all the children from growing up. But, everyone grows up, so his dream could not be pursued. Holden’s dream was impossible, but it was still his American dream. Most Americans view their dream as something way far off in the future, something that may not ever be done. The American dream seems to me to be unreal, something made up, something to look forward to, but not something that can be done. Because of this, many people fail at accomplishing their goals in life.

The American dream is also not worth pursuing just because the risk of failure is so high. Many Americans do not ever get what they wanted in the end, or at least get halfway there. The Great Gatsby wanted to marry Daisy. In order to do that, he knew that he would have to be rich and give her almost anything she wanted. He definitely made a lot of money and owned a lot of things, but he never did marry Daisy. Even though he had accomplished half of his dream, it did not matter to him because he did it so he could marry the love of his life. As you can see, the American dream is a very idealistic thing, and it is more of a symbol than an actual goal.

The American dream is not worth pursuing because it is very unrealistic and failure is expected. I am not saying that Americans should not try to accomplish their dreams and goals in life, because you never know until you try. I am saying that there is no American dream, so it cannot be pursued. Americans should have their own goals in mind, and work towards those. There should not be a standardized goal for all Americans to work their whole life towards. Americans should have dreams and goals to work for, not just an american dream that seems unreal to them. Overall, the American dream just is not worth it to me. The symbol or mindset of this American dream should just be erased from the United States history because it is quite intangible, unreal, and definitely not worth the pursuit of young Americans.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are provided in the response. The author establishes a basic analysis of two texts and implied connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selections. The writer selects two stories and provides adequate details so readers can connect the writer’s ideas to the stories that support them. (“ I believe that this American dream cannot be accomplished because it is not actually tangible. There is not a set American dream, and it almost seems unrealistic. The American dream changes from American to American, but it usually ends up the same way, by not being done. Holden, for example, had a fairy-tale like goal for his life. He wanted to protect all the children from growing up. But, everyone grows up, so his dream could not be pursued. ”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer devotes the whole essay to arguing the reasons why the American Dream is not worth pursuing. (“ I believe that this American dream cannot be accomplished because it is not actually tangible. There is not a set American dream, and it almost seems unrealistic. The American dream changes from American to American, but it usually ends up the same way, by not being done. ”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses support from the texts to communicate the overall message to readers. Although the amount of details provided could be more generous, the writer is adequate in communicating the argument against pursuing the American Dream. (“ For many people in the United States , the so called American dream is a futuristic idea that is worked for their whole lives. It is not one actual thing or idea; it is many different ideas all put together into one big dream. The American dream changes from person to person. For one, it could be to own a huge company and live the high life. For another, it could be to get married and have a big family. I do not think there is a set American dream, therefore it is not worth pursueing. How can one pursue something if it is not actually there? ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some evidence and literary elements or techniques from the selected texts.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the stories. (“The Great Gatsby wanted to marry Daisy. In order to do that, he knew that he would have to be rich and give her almost anything she wanted. He definitely made a lot of money and owned a lot of things, but he never did marry Daisy. Even though he had accomplished half of his dream, it did not matter to him because he did it so he could marry the love of his life.”)

The essay is adequate in connecting the main argument to selected texts; however, providing a greater amount of detail and/or dialogue could make for a richer, well-rounded discussion. (“The American dream is also not worth pursuing just because the risk of failure is so high. Many Americans do not ever get what they wanted in the end, or at least get halfway there. The Great Gatsby wanted to marry Daisy. In order to do that, he knew that he would have to be rich and give her almost anything she wanted. He definitely made a lot of money and owned a lot of things, but he never did marry Daisy. Even though he had accomplished half of his dream, it did not matter to him because he did it so he could marry the love of his life. As you can see, the American dream is a very idealistic thing, and it is more of a symbol than an actual goal.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“ Holden wanted to stay young forever and also keep all the children of the U.S. young and unknowing of all the horrible things the world has in store for them. Unfortunately for Holden, this dream was impossible and he never accomplished it. Another failure of achieving the American dream was Gatsby. He wanted to get married and keep his wife happy by being rich and giving her whatever she wanted. He got rich, but he ended up never getting married. ”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Although there is consistent use of paragraphing in the essay, the inconsistent use of transitional devices throughout detracts from the flow and sequence of ideas.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ For many people in the United States , the so called American dream is a futuristic idea that is worked for their whole lives. It is not one actual thing or idea; it is many different ideas all put together into one big dream. The American dream changes from person to person. For one, it could be to own a huge company and live the high life. For another, it could be to get married and have a big family. I do not think there is a set American dream, therefore it is not worth pursueing. How can one pursue something if it is not actually there? ”)

The writer needs to employ effective transitions between sentences and paragraphs. T ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas and give the response a more consistent flow and sequence. (“ I believe that this American dream cannot be accomplished because it is not actually tangible. There is not a set American dream, and it almost seems unrealistic. The American dream changes from American to American, but it usually ends up the same way, by not being done. Holden, for example, had a fairy-tale like goal for his life. He wanted to protect all the children from growing up. But, everyone grows up, so his dream could not be pursued. Holden’s dream was impossible, but it was still his American dream. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Overall, the American dream just is not worth it to me. The symbol or mindset of this American dream should just be erased from the United States history because it is quite intangible, unreal, and definitely not worth the pursuit of young Americans. ”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The American dream is not worth pursuing because it is very unrealistic and failure is expected. I am not saying that Americans should not try to accomplish their dreams and goals in life, because you never know until you try. I am saying that there is no American dream, so it cannot be pursued. Americans should have their own goals in mind, and work towards those. There should not be a standardized goal for all Americans to work their whole life towards. Americans should have dreams and goals to work for, not just an american dream that seems unreal to them.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she asserts the view of the American Dream as being unattainable, and therefore, not worthy of the pursuit. (“ I believe that this American dream cannot be accomplished because it is not actually tangible. There is not a set American dream, and it almost seems unrealistic. The American dream changes from American to American, but it usually ends up the same way, by not being done.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ How can one pursue something if it is not actually there? Also, many people never even accomplish their dreams. Holden wanted to stay young forever and also keep all the children of the U.S. young and unknowing of all the horrible things the world has in store for them. Unfortunately for Holden, this dream was impossible and he never accomplished it. Another failure of achieving the American dream was Gatsby. He wanted to get married and keep his wife happy by being rich and giving her whatever she wanted. He got rich, but he ended up never getting married. Mainly, the American dream is not able to be accomplished at all, as much as young Americans wish it could be. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ The American dream is also not worth pursuing just because the risk of failure is so high. Many Americans do not ever get what they wanted in the end, or at least get halfway there. The Great Gatsby wanted to marry Daisy. In order to do that, he knew that he would have to be rich and give her almost anything she wanted. He definitely made a lot of money and owned a lot of things, but he never did marry Daisy. Even though he had accomplished half of his dream, it did not matter to him because he did it so he could marry the love of his life. As you can see, the American dream is a very idealistic thing, and it is more of a symbol than an actual goal.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The American Dream is something not worth pursuing because there is always something else that you have to do to be happy. Some people to be happy they would like a wife/husband and kids, or want to get rich, but there is always a down fall for everything you do.

Some people have an American Dream to get rich, but having money does not always make you happy and the way America is today, most people do not want to work for their money, they want it handed to them. When you have more money, you have more problems. Such as, people will be always asking for money or you have to worry about investments that you have, if you have any. Some people that do not have a lot of money sometimes are happier because they do not have friends that are friends with them just because they have a lot of money. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby is a rich man that lived during the 1920 s Gatsby would through a party every week end, and a lot of people came, but when he died, three people went to his funeral because all the people at the parties were just there to have fun, even though Gatsby did not know most of them.

Being rich is not the only not the only American dream, some people s American dream is to have a wife/husband, but you might not get the wife/husband you have always wanted. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did. Just because you have money does not mean you are happy, and you are living the American Dream. The American Dream is different for every person. A Dream is something you imagine, sometimes it will come true, sometimes it does not. Being rich or having the wife/husband of your dreams can happen. The American dream would be, to be happy, some people say they are happy, but in reality they are not. This is why the American Dream is not worth pursuing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The American Dream is something not worth pursuing because there is always something else that you have to do to be happy. Some people to be happy they would like a wife/husband and kids, or want to get rich, but there is always a down fall for everything you do.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a very limited way. By including information from The Great Gatsby , the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of detail renders the essay limited at best. (“In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby is a rich man that lived during the 1920 s Gatsby would through a party every week end, and a lot of people came, but when he died, three people went to his funeral because all the people at the parties were just there to have fun, even though Gatsby did not know most of them.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story selected, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the chosen literary piece. (“In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby is a rich man that lived during the 1920 s Gatsby would through a party every week end, and a lot of people came, but when he died, three people went to his funeral because all the people at the parties were just there to have fun, even though Gatsby did not know most of them.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Some people have an American Dream to get rich, but having money does not always make you happy and the way America is today, most people do not want to work for their money, they want it handed to them. When you have more money, you have more problems. Such as, people will be always asking for money or you have to worry about investments that you have, if you have any. Some people that do not have a lot of money sometimes are happier because they do not have friends that are friends with them just because they have a lot of money.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Being rich is not the only not the only American dream, some people s American dream is to have a wife/husband, but you might not get the wife/husband you have always wanted. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did. Just because you have money does not mean you are happy, and you are living the American Dream. The American Dream is different for every person.”)

Organization

The essay does very little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The writer simply states a brief assertion about pursuing the American Dream. (“ The American Dream is something not worth pursuing because there is always something else that you have to do to be happy. Some people to be happy they would like a wife/husband and kids, or want to get rich, but there is always a down fall for everything you do. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Being rich is not the only not the only American dream, some people s American dream is to have a wife/husband, but you might not get the wife/husband you have always wanted. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The writer provides a limited conclusion that does not give readers much to consider long after the essay concludes. (“ The American Dream is different for every person. A Dream is something you imagine, sometimes it will come true, sometimes it does not. Being rich or having the wife/husband of your dreams can happen. The American dream would be, to be happy, some people say they are happy, but in reality they are not. This is why the American Dream is not worth pursuing. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The writer demonstrates limited style and voice in the essay. (“ Some people have an American Dream to get rich, but having money does not always make you happy and the way America is today, most people do not want to work for their money, they want it handed to them. When you have more money, you have more problems. Such as, people will be always asking for money or you have to worry about investments that you have, if you have any. Some people that do not have a lot of money sometimes are happier because they do not have friends that are friends with them just because they have a lot of money. ”)

There is a repetitive tone to many of the ideas expressed by the writer in the essay. (“ Being rich is not the only not the only American dream, some people s American dream is to have a wife/husband, but you might not get the wife/husband you have always wanted. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did. Just because you have money does not mean you are happy, and you are living the American Dream. The American Dream is different for every person. A Dream is something you imagine, sometimes it will come true, sometimes it does not. Being rich or having the wife/husband of your dreams can happen. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did. Just because you have money does not mean you are happy, and you are living the American Dream. The American Dream is different for every person. A Dream is something you imagine, sometimes it will come true, sometimes it does not.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Being rich is not the only not the only American dream, some people s American dream is to have a wife/husband, but you might not get the wife/husband you have always wanted. In The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby was rich and had everything he wanted but, the girl he left before he went to war, Daisy. Gatsby would through parties every week hoping Daisy would show up but she never did. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Would you like to live the american dream? The american dream is basically happiness in everything you have and do. Also the american dream is matching your dreams and getting what you want. If you are a farmer or cowboy your american dream may be different than maybe a skateboarders dream. The american dream varies depending on your lifestyle.

For me the american dream is to own a lot of land and to own a nice big house and to own many dirt bikes. also it is to own a big nice truck to haul my dirt bike around. To the average person the american dream is to own much property and have a big house. Also to never have to work again and be happy forever. To be able to afford whatever they want. Lots of Immigrants came to america in search of the american dream. These immigrants were coming from a place where they did not have much so to them the american dream was just to have a home and to have food to eat. also to have good health, mainly just to be happy. So this is the american dream. The Dream is always changing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions a personal definition of the American Dream, but neglects to assert whether the American Dream is worth pursuing or neglects applying this theme to literary pieces. The lack of focus in the response makes it very difficult for the readers to follow. (“The american dream is basically happiness in everything you have and do. Also the american dream is matching your dreams and getting what you want.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details from literary selections to make the writer’s ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas about the American Dream and whether it is worth pursuing or not. (“For me the american dream is to own a lot of land and to own a nice big house and to own many dirt bikes. also it is to own a big nice truck to haul my dirt bike around. To the average person the american dream is to own much property and have a big house. Also to never have to work again and be happy forever. To be able to afford whatever they want.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the main component of the prompt, which is to assert whether the American Dream is worth pursuing and applying that to themes in American literature. (“ Lots of Immigrants came to america in search of the american dream. These immigrants were coming from a place where they did not have much so to them the american dream was just to have a home and to have food to eat.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using no details from the literary pieces to support ideas.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about plot, character, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to selected literary works. The writer seems to be attempting to address the general belief of what the American Dream means to most people, but falls short on delivering enough content to help readers understand whether the pursuit of the American Dream is worth the effort. (“These immigrants were coming from a place where they did not have much so to them the american dream was just to have a home and to have food to eat. also to have good health, mainly just to be happy. So this is the american dream. The Dream is always changing.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from texts) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“For me the american dream is to own a lot of land and to own a nice big house and to own many dirt bikes. also it is to own a big nice truck to haul my dirt bike around. To the average person the american dream is to own much property and have a big house. Also to never have to work again and be happy forever.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea in the essay. (“If you are a farmer or cowboy your american dream may be different than maybe a skateboarders dream. The american dream varies depending on your lifestyle.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Would you like to live the american dream? The american dream is basically happiness in everything you have and do. Also the american dream is matching your dreams and getting what you want.”)

The writer does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the theme of the prompt task, which the writer should be focusing on in the essay. Also, transitions were not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Also to never have to work again and be happy forever. To be able to afford whatever they want. Lots of Immigrants came to america in search of the american dream. These immigrants were coming from a place where they did not have much so to them the american dream was just to have a home and to have food to eat.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the argument, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ also to have good health, mainly just to be happy. So this is the american dream. The Dream is always changing. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are several sentence fragments in the essay. (“ Also to never have to work again and be happy forever. To be able to afford whatever they want.”)

Repetitive word choices and simplicity in sentence structure make this response less than effective to communicate the writer’s ideas about the pursuit of the American Dream. (“ Would you like to live the american dream? The american dream is basically happiness in everything you have and do. Also the american dream is matching your dreams and getting what you want. If you are a farmer or cowboy your american dream may be different than maybe a skateboarders dream. The american dream varies depending on your lifestyle.”)

There is repetition, as in the overuse of the word “own.” (“ For me the american dream is to own a lot of land and to own a nice big house and to own many dirt bikes. also it is to own a big nice truck to haul my dirt bike around. To the average person the american dream is to own much property and have a big house.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ To the average person the american dream is to own much property and have a big house. Also to never have to work again and be happy forever. To be able to afford whatever they want. Lots of Immigrants came to america in search of the american dream. These immigrants were coming from a place where they did not have much so to them the american dream was just to have a home and to have food to eat. also to have good health, mainly just to be happy. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analyses from the texts. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a strong central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine from the inadequate amount of content what the writer is conveying from the text. The essay is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plots, characters, settings, or dialogue. (“But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to texts to support the writer’s assertions of whether the American Dream is worth pursuing or not.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plots, characters, settings, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to selected literary pieces. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of the pursuit of the American Dream, but does not provide any support or assertions that relate to the prompt task. Additionally, the writer does not develop ideas in any way. (“what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support a central/controlling idea. (“what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Organization

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family.”)

The structure of some sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“what is lupes and juans american dream? I think it is the same dream all immigrants have and that is to have a family, to ,find true love, to have money, and tio have a good job so that they can support and be there for there family. But how are there dreams different you might ask well its the same thing like asking hhow are men different then women?”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

King’s Use of Stylistic Devices to Appeal to His Audience

Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for his use of stylistic devices in his oratory. In his speeches, he often used different stylistic devices to appeal to different kinds of audiences. King also used the unique circumstances surrounding a historical event to determine the most effective stylistic devices to use (e.g., metaphors, imagery, and alliteration).

In a multi-paragraph essay, explain how specific historical events influenced King's choice of stylistic devices and affected his intended audience. Be sure to support your explanation by including key references to King's writing.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Lawful or Moral?

"In God we trust," but should we always trust our government? In Letter from Birmingham Jail by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King directs his proclamation of needed justice to all those with the similar belief that African Americans should not partake in demonstrations or marches that called for an end to the unfair racial based treatment, and believed instead for African Americans to continue to exist in the current segregated society, waiting for the government to intervene. This existing ideal of to wait, to take no imperative action while there was an epidemic of suffering because of acts of lynching and everlasting second class rank, is the catalyst for King to comprise a letter riddled with metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles; all to exude a rebellious spirit and concrete his stance that African Americans could no longer wait for change against internal oppression, prejudice, and racism.

With a woeful air, King exemplifies how African Americans, through constantly being identified as having little worth, over time were subdued by this belief of lacking in meeting mental and physical appearance standards; an internal oppression. He uses his own daughter's exhibition of this mindset developing, "she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky." King uses this metaphor as a comparative tool to materialize his daughter's growing self- consciousness of African Americans being a negative connotation with a nature facet. The "ominous clouds" demonstrate the malevolent wrath of this mindset that is starting to overtake her sense of self being African American (mental sky) because she could not go to the amusement park. This personal struggle in his own family unit lets the reader know that he truly understands the effect this oppression is having. This is significant because the discrimination against African Americans was also internalized, the self-rejection leading people to no longer want their peers and themselves to be effected by this mental attack.

A subsidiary example that supports King's overall message is of African Americans facing prejudice in daily life. For example he wrote, "Daddy why do white people treat colored people so mean?" a question his five year old son posed him with that he was left to try and "concoct an answer". The utilization of this phrase of dialogue, spoken with the purity of a child, is for the repeated intention for the audience to resonate their own ordeals to be the same that he himself faces. The innocent and genuine curious observation of his son, who is barely verging on the reality of racial dealings, is realizing the discrimination against his own race. At this time, forty-eight segregation laws, the Jim Crow laws, were in effect. The environment created of, "All schools shall be segregated by race (Source D)" or, "It shall be unlawful to conduct a restaurant or other place of serving food in the city, at which white and colored people are served in the same room (Source D)" was law enforced, and a prejudice that even children fell victim to. This is considerable because the hate rippled into a system meant to protect and serve all people within the society. The governmental permission to enact and welcome these acts of prejudice was a step too far for the patience African Americans had held, no longer being able to justify their own tolerance and now wanting immediate action.

Continuing for the plight of immoral treatment, the ubiquitous nature of racism is exposed with dramatic execution. In the last lines of compassion-driven writing, the quote reads, "when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance..." The exaggeration of the hyperbole and King's use of it leaves the audience to deduce why. "To live constantly at tiptoe stance" is to live in strain and caution because of the uncomfortable standpoint, and revealed to be in this position because they are "Negro". The ultimate apprehension of why is to tell the reader that African Americans were left with an incessant reminder that they lived a restricted life, bound by fear if they overstepped their unwanted second class placement. Being not only regarded as unequal, but abused physically and through being silenced as a whole was what substantiated for King to bring forth this reasoning that there was no more waiting for a fight for equal rights.

King found the powerful impact of metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles to be the best platform to deliver the strong conviction of his letter that he echoed in different forms and instances. Overall, the premise was the belief that the deplorable acts and repercussions of internal oppression, prejudice, and racism against African Americans should no longer be accepted, also fueled to compose it for the sake of showing those who opposed immediate action why there was no more waiting time. This value found in King's message of rejecting unfair posed laws, and demanding revisions in society's functioning is universal; a cycle seen in all the course of human history, be it with variation in the factors and variables. To provide a contemporary case, the occupy Wall Street movement was an occasion of civil revolt against a government power that had its own set of ill constituted regulations, dealing with social classes instead of race. Although his predicament was with racial inequality, the derived meaning of action against the unjust is an applicable mold to today and future readers, making sure the government follows the consensus of all the people before confiding in them to protect and serve.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer effectively communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she describes several stylistic devices Dr. King used in his letter and explains how they appealed to his intended audience. (“In the last lines of compassion-driven writing, the quote reads, ‘when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance...’ The exaggeration of the hyperbole and King's use of it leaves the audience to deduce why. ‘To live constantly at tiptoe stance’ is to live in strain and caution because of the uncomfortable standpoint, and revealed to be in this position because they are ‘Negro’. The ultimate apprehension of why is to tell the reader that African Americans were left with an incessant reminder that they lived a restricted life, bound by fear if they overstepped their unwanted second class placement.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“In Letter from Birmingham Jail by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King directs his proclamation of needed justice to all those with the similar belief that African Americans should not partake in demonstrations or marches that called for an end to the unfair racial based treatment, and believed instead for African Americans to continue to exist in the current segregated society, waiting for the government to intervene. This existing ideal of to wait, to take no imperative action while there was an epidemic of suffering because of acts of lynching and everlasting second class rank, is the catalyst for King to comprise a letter riddled with metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles; all to exude a rebellious spirit and concrete his stance that African Americans could no longer wait for change against internal oppression, prejudice, and racism.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“King found the powerful impact of metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles to be the best platform to deliver the strong conviction of his letter that he echoed in different forms and instances. Overall, the premise was the belief that the deplorable acts and repercussions of internal oppression, prejudice, and racism against African Americans should no longer be accepted, also fueled to compose it for the sake of showing those who opposed immediate action why there was no more waiting time. This value found in King's message of rejecting unfair posed laws, and demanding revisions in society's functioning is universal; a cycle seen in all the course of human history, be it with variation in the factors and variables. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific details from the text to clearly illustrate the stylistic devices Dr. King used to appeal to his audience. (“In the last lines of compassion-driven writing, the quote reads, ‘when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance...’ The exaggeration of the hyperbole and King's use of it leaves the audience to deduce why. ‘To live constantly at tiptoe stance’ is to live in strain and caution because of the uncomfortable standpoint, and revealed to be in this position because they are ‘Negro’. The ultimate apprehension of why is to tell the reader that African Americans were left with an incessant reminder that they lived a restricted life, bound by fear if they overstepped their unwanted second class placement.”)

The writer emphasizes how Dr. King illustrated the events occurring in the African-American communities to underscore the reasons why waiting was no longer an option. (“In Letter from Birmingham Jail by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King directs his proclamation of needed justice to all those with the similar belief that African Americans should not partake in demonstrations or marches that called for an end to the unfair racial based treatment, and believed instead for African Americans to continue to exist in the current segregated society, waiting for the government to intervene. This existing ideal of to wait, to take no imperative action while there was an epidemic of suffering because of acts of lynching and everlasting second class rank, is the catalyst for King to comprise a letter riddled with metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles; all to exude a rebellious spirit and concrete his stance that African Americans could no longer wait for change against internal oppression, prejudice, and racism.”)

The writer emphasizes Dr. King’s use of metaphors, dialogue, and hyperbole in his letter to the clergymen. He/she succeeds in showing how these devices appealed to Dr. King’s audience. (“A subsidiary example that supports King's overall message is of African Americans facing prejudice in daily life. For example he wrote, ‘Daddy why do white people treat colored people so mean?’ a question his five year old son posed him with that he was left to try and ‘concoct an answer’. The utilization of this phrase of dialogue, spoken with the purity of a child, is for the repeated intention for the audience to resonate their own ordeals to be the same that he himself faces. The innocent and genuine curious observation of his son, who is barely verging on the reality of racial dealings, is realizing the discrimination against his own race.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention with four simple, yet familiar, words: “In God We Trust,” then poses the question of whether people can trust the government. (“‘In God we trust,’ but should we always trust our government? In Letter from Birmingham Jail by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King directs his proclamation of needed justice to all those with the similar belief that African Americans should not partake in demonstrations or marches that called for an end to the unfair racial based treatment, and believed instead for African Americans to continue to exist in the current segregated society, waiting for the government to intervene. ”)

Subtle transitional phrases between paragraphs are used very effectively. (“Continuing for the plight of immoral treatment, the ubiquitous nature of racism is exposed with dramatic execution. In the last lines of compassion-driven writing, the quote reads, ‘when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance...’ ”)

The writer includes a very effective conclusion that points to societal demands for change when unfair laws are imposed. This leaves the readers with much to consider as the essay draws to a close. (“This value found in King's message of rejecting unfair posed laws, and demanding revisions in society's functioning is universal; a cycle seen in all the course of human history, be it with variation in the factors and variables. To provide a contemporary case, the occupy Wall Street movement was an occasion of civil revolt against a government power that had its own set of ill constituted regulations, dealing with social classes instead of race. Although his predicament was with racial inequality, the derived meaning of action against the unjust is an applicable mold to today and future readers, making sure the government follows the consensus of all the people before confiding in them to protect and serve. ”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer takes on a sophisticated tone; however, in some portions of the essay, certain word choices are not suited for the ideas presented and could be scaled back to create a greater awareness of audience. (“The ultimate apprehension of why is to tell the reader that African Americans were left with an incessant reminder that they lived a restricted life, bound by fear if they overstepped their unwanted second class placement. Being not only regarded as unequal, but abused physically and through being silenced as a whole was what substantiated for King to bring forth this reasoning that there was no more waiting for a fight for equal rights. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Dr. King’s stylistic choices so that by the end of the response, the readers understand how Dr. King’s writings appealed to his audience and became living testaments to the struggles of the African-American people. (“With a woeful air, King exemplifies how African Americans, through constantly being identified as having little worth, over time were subdued by this belief of lacking in meeting mental and physical appearance standards; an internal oppression. He uses his own daughter's exhibition of this mindset developing, ‘she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky.’ King uses this metaphor as a comparative tool to materialize his daughter's growing self- consciousness of African Americans being a negative connotation with a nature facet. The ‘ominous clouds’ demonstrate the malevolent wrath of this mindset that is starting to overtake her sense of self being African American (mental sky) because she could not go to the amusement park.”)

For the most part, the writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“King found the powerful impact of metaphors, dialogue, and hyperboles to be the best platform to deliver the strong conviction of his letter that he echoed in different forms and instances. Overall, the premise was the belief that the deplorable acts and repercussions of internal oppression, prejudice, and racism against African Americans should no longer be accepted, also fueled to compose it for the sake of showing those who opposed immediate action why there was no more waiting time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have line breaks to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked. (“A subsidiary example that supports King's overall message is of African Americans facing prejudice in daily life. For example he wrote, ‘Daddy why do white people treat colored people so mean?’ a question his five year old son posed him with that he was left to try and ‘concoct an answer’. The utilization of this phrase of dialogue, spoken with the purity of a child, is for the repeated intention for the audience to resonate their own ordeals to be the same that he himself faces. The innocent and genuine curious observation of his son, who is barely verging on the reality of racial dealings, is realizing the discrimination against his own race.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Society's Demand for Equivalence

Patience is a virtue; however because of the unfairness of segregation, the lack of patience demonstrated by the African-American society is understandable; a call for action is greatly necessary. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.'s thoughts on the fight against discrimination are reflected in his statement Letter from Birmingham Jail, written in a jail cell in Birmingham, Alabama in 1963. He insists that the delay in fighting for civil rights is no longer tolerable, as he describes the horrifying actions that have targeted the African American community, based on the color of their skin. He expresses strong emotions though his powerful use of imagery and metaphors to encourage others to fight for social equality among both races.

In the 1900's, segregation was highly promoted in United States, specifically in the south. Many Caucasian citizens that thought differently about segregation refrained from standing with colored citizens because of their fear of the KKK (Ku Klux Klan); a group of racist individuals, whose goal was to target and torment African Americans. During the war against segregation, Martin Luther King Jr. was a valued figure and was acknowledged by his use of peaceful methods, while performing civil disobedience. In 1963, King was arrested while leading a massive civil rights campaign in Birmingham, Alabama. A chief of police and KKK member by the name of Eugene "Bull" Connor sent an array of attack dogs against the Black protestors and sent many of them to prison. It is events such as this that caused King to promote the call for action and the need for justice and equality among all men.

In an attempt to persuade others to fight for civil rights, Martin Luther King Jr. provides a vivid, visual description of the horrors segregation poses. King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; "when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters" (King). He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger. Describing the way his "brothers and sisters" were treated was his way of exposing the effects of racism and how they can cloud a person's judgment; it causes them to harm others out of unreasonable hate. Actions, like this, shows racism to be catastrophic and unity between races is desperately needed.

The use of a metaphor helps King expand his ideas of needing civil disobedience to eliminate segregation. He compares the conditions that the Negro society lives into something constricting; "when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society" (King). He depicts how the African American society is suffering in poverty while the rest are living in leisure; the unfair distribution of wealth based on skin color is biased. Describing the Negro society as "smothering in poverty" expresses the way they can't escape the lack of fairness. King hopes to turn the public's attention to the financial issues segregation causes and why the time to act with civil disobedience is now.

The chaos and catastrophe that segregation brought upon the African American society suggested immediate action was needed in order to produce equivalence among people. Expressed through visual imagery and metaphors, Martin Luther King Jr. provided numerous points to why a great change between African Americans and White communities was necessary. Leaders, such as King, inspire individuals to stand up and fight for civil rights by applying civil disobedience, creating a happier, hate-free, integrated society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a strong analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a central/controlling idea.

The writer chooses to focus on visual imagery and metaphors for the intended audience. The writer is effective in this approach and consistently maintains that focus throughout the essay. (“The use of a metaphor helps King expand his ideas of needing civil disobedience to eliminate segregation. He compares the conditions that the Negro society lives into something constricting; ‘when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society’ (King). He depicts how the African American society is suffering in poverty while the rest are living in leisure; the unfair distribution of wealth based on skin color is biased. ”)

The writer provides context by including details that highlight specific historical events occurring during the time when Dr. King wrote his letter from the Birmingham jail. (“In the 1900's, segregation was highly promoted in United States, specifically in the south. Many Caucasian citizens that thought differently about segregation refrained from standing with colored citizens because of their fear of the KKK (Ku Klux Klan); a group of racist individuals, whose goal was to target and torment African Americans. During the war against segregation, Martin Luther King Jr. was a valued figure and was acknowledged by his use of peaceful methods, while performing civil disobedience. In 1963, King was arrested while leading a massive civil rights campaign in Birmingham, Alabama. A chief of police and KKK member by the name of Eugene ‘Bull’ Connor sent an array of attack dogs against the Black protestors and sent many of them to prison. It is events such as this that caused King to promote the call for action and the need for justice and equality among all men. ”)

The writer focuses on a central/controlling idea with details about the visual imagery and metaphors used by Dr. King to appeal to his audience. (“In an attempt to persuade others to fight for civil rights, Martin Luther King Jr. provides a vivid, visual description of the horrors segregation poses. King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; ‘when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters’ (King). ”)

Content & Development

The essay contains good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. Ideas are developed, with specific evidence and literary elements from the text. The writer uses direct quotes or paraphrasing from the text to support the main ideas of the essay.

The writer emphasizes the historical backdrop that prompts Dr. King to comment on the unfair and discriminatory treatment of African-Americans during the civil rights movement. (“In an attempt to persuade others to fight for civil rights, Martin Luther King Jr. provides a vivid, visual description of the horrors segregation poses. King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; ‘when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters’ (King). He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger. Describing the way his ‘brothers and sisters’ were treated was his way of exposing the effects of racism and how they can cloud a person's judgment; it causes them to harm others out of unreasonable hate.”)

The essay contains direct quotes and paraphrasing with clear references to Dr. King’s letter. (“King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; ‘when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters’ (King). He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger. Describing the way his ‘brothers and sisters’ were treated was his way of exposing the effects of racism and how they can cloud a person's judgment; it causes them to harm others out of unreasonable hate. Actions, like this, shows racism to be catastrophic and unity between races is desperately needed. ”)

The details included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The use of a metaphor helps King expand his ideas of needing civil disobedience to eliminate segregation. He compares the conditions that the Negro society lives into something constricting; ‘when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society’ (King). He depicts how the African American society is suffering in poverty while the rest are living in leisure; the unfair distribution of wealth based on skin color is biased. Describing the Negro society as ‘smothering in poverty’ expresses the way they can't escape the lack of fairness. King hopes to turn the public's attention to the financial issues segregation causes and why the time to act with civil disobedience is now.”)

Organization

The writer engages the readers’ attention by providing a glimpse into the historical background that prompted Dr. King to insist that the time for change was now. (“Patience is a virtue; however because of the unfairness of segregation, the lack of patience demonstrated by the African-American society is understandable; a call for action is greatly necessary. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.'s thoughts on the fight against discrimination are reflected in his statement Letter from Birmingham Jail, written in a jail cell in Birmingham, Alabama in 1963. He insists that the delay in fighting for civil rights is no longer tolerable, as he describes the horrifying actions that have targeted the African American community, based on the color of their skin. He expresses strong emotions though his powerful use of imagery and metaphors to encourage others to fight for social equality among both races. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“In an attempt to persuade others to fight for civil rights, Martin Luther King Jr. provides a vivid, visual description of the horrors segregation poses. King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; ‘when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters’ (King). He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger. Describing the way his ‘brothers and sisters’ were treated was his way of exposing the effects of racism and how they can cloud a person's judgment; it causes them to harm others out of unreasonable hate. Actions, like this, shows racism to be catastrophic and unity between races is desperately needed. ”)

The writer includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The chaos and catastrophe that segregation brought upon the African American society suggested immediate action was needed in order to produce equivalence among people. Expressed through visual imagery and metaphors, Martin Luther King Jr. provided numerous points to why a great change between African Americans and White communities was necessary. Leaders, such as King, inspire individuals to stand up and fight for civil rights by applying civil disobedience, creating a happier, hate-free, integrated society. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer provides appropriate word choices that give the essay an informative and authoritative tone. (“In the 1900's, segregation was highly promoted in United States, specifically in the south. Many Caucasian citizens that thought differently about segregation refrained from standing with colored citizens because of their fear of the KKK (Ku Klux Klan); a group of racist individuals, whose goal was to target and torment African Americans. During the war against segregation, Martin Luther King Jr. was a valued figure and was acknowledged by his use of peaceful methods, while performing civil disobedience. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“The chaos and catastrophe that segregation brought upon the African American society suggested immediate action was needed in order to produce equivalence among people. Expressed through visual imagery and metaphors, Martin Luther King Jr. provided numerous points to why a great change between African Americans and White communities was necessary. Leaders, such as King, inspire individuals to stand up and fight for civil rights by applying civil disobedience, creating a happier, hate-free, integrated society.”)

The writer creates some complex sentence structures that include relevant, insightful details to craft a rich response to the prompt task. (“He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger. Describing the way his ‘brothers and sisters’ were treated was his way of exposing the effects of racism and how they can cloud a person's judgment; it causes them to harm others out of unreasonable hate. Actions, like this, shows racism to be catastrophic and unity between races is desperately needed. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Spelling and grammar are generally correct. (“In an attempt to persuade others to fight for civil rights, Martin Luther King Jr. provides a vivid, visual description of the horrors segregation poses. King describes the brutal deaths and harmful actions, caused by the racist community in great detail; ‘when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your brothers and sisters at whim; when you seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters’ (King). He describes how the racist mindset of people brings them to commit destructive actions that put many African American in danger.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

They can no longer wait.

Life as a black person in the 1960's was full of marginalization, racism, and inequality. In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., King is targeting white people who haven't dealt with segregation, to tell them that black people cannot wait any longer to protest and fight the discrimination and inequality going around in society. King uses visual imagery, sound imagery, and metaphors to communicate his message that black people had to deal with, and were affected, by segregation and racist people to reach for their equality.

Throughout the letter, King reveals how black people were being marginalized by white people. For example, in the letter he mentions, "Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation..." King uses metaphors for the purpose of comparing how segregation is a dart, for the darts are aimed and thrown at the black people since they are the bull's-eye in society. This is significant because there are many racist people today who feel that their race is superior to others, so they target and demeanor peoples of other races.

Continuously, King describes how black people were treated with racism and discrimination. For example, in the letter he says, "...when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters..." King uses visual imagery for the purpose of illustrating how even the policemen, who are supposed to deal with the wrongs and take care of the society, were being racist and disrespectful to the black people. This is noteworthy because to this day, many policemen, firefighters, and other "heros" in society act racist, mostly towards people who are Mexican and black.

In addition, King reveals the oppression blacks were living around in society. For example, in the letter he says, " ...when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?" King uses sound imagery for the purpose of describing to people how his little boy sounded, and how it was hard for King to answer his little boy's question. This is significant because different races that are being approached racistly could have children around at the time, which could impact the child by forming some hatred towards that race.

Throughout Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King wants to open white people's eyes who want to hold off black people's equality, and tell them that they have been waiting long enough to protest and fight discrimination. King's message is still relevant in a way that there is still racism and discrimination to this day in our society. Also, he wants to see action and movement to help end all of the inequality and discrimination that is going on all around the world. King started this movement in the 1960's to prevent prejucice, and is still going on today, but blacks aren't the only ones being treated unfairly, all races are, and it is our job to stop it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer’s thesis statement outlines the stylistic devices used by Dr. King and sets out to explain their appeal to the intended audience. (“Life as a black person in the 1960's was full of marginalization, racism, and inequality. In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., King is targeting white people who haven't dealt with segregation, to tell them that black people cannot wait any longer to protest and fight the discrimination and inequality going around in society. King uses visual imagery, sound imagery, and metaphors to communicate his message that black people had to deal with, and were affected, by segregation and racist people to reach for their equality.”)

The writer generally maintains the same focus throughout the essay. He/she provides historical background information to give Dr. King’s words context. By doing so, the readers understand the writer’s ideas in a meaningful way. (“In addition, King reveals the oppression blacks were living around in society. For example, in the letter he says, ‘...when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: ‘Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?’ King uses sound imagery for the purpose of describing to people how his little boy sounded, and how it was hard for King to answer his little boy's question. This is significant because different races that are being approached racistly could have children around at the time, which could impact the child by forming some hatred towards that race.”)

The writing style is generally appropriate for the intended audience. There is adequate language use, and overall, the writer’s response is meaningful for the readers and satisfies the basic requirements of the prompt task. (“King's message is still relevant in a way that there is still racism and discrimination to this day in our society. Also, he wants to see action and movement to help end all of the inequality and discrimination that is going on all around the world. King started this movement in the 1960's to prevent prejucice, and is still going on today, but blacks aren't the only ones being treated unfairly, all races are, and it is our job to stop it.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific evidence and literary elements from the text.

The writer mentions events occurring in Dr. King’s letter to support the stylistic devices used to appeal to the intended audience. (“Throughout the letter, King reveals how black people were being marginalized by white people. For example, in the letter he mentions, ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation...’ King uses metaphors for the purpose of comparing how segregation is a dart, for the darts are aimed and thrown at the black people since they are the bull's-eye in society. This is significant because there are many racist people today who feel that their race is superior to others, so they target and demeanor peoples of other races.”)

The writer highlights Dr. King’s use of visual imagery by including specific details from the text. (“Continuously, King describes how black people were treated with racism and discrimination. For example, in the letter he says, ‘...when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters...’ King uses visual imagery for the purpose of illustrating how even the policemen, who are supposed to deal with the wrongs and take care of the society, were being racist and disrespectful to the black people. This is noteworthy because to this day, many policemen, firefighters, and other ‘heros’ in society act racist, mostly towards people who are Mexican and black.”)

The writer underscores the relevancy of Dr. King’s message in modern times towards the end of the response. Including this point gives the readers something to consider and relate to as the essay draws to a close. (“Throughout Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King wants to open white people's eyes who want to hold off black people's equality, and tell them that they have been waiting long enough to protest and fight discrimination. King's message is still relevant in a way that there is still racism and discrimination to this day in our society. Also, he wants to see action and movement to help end all of the inequality and discrimination that is going on all around the world.”)

Organization

The writer adequately engages the readers’ attention by identifying the audience that Dr. King was appealing to in his letter and supplies a clear thesis statement to lead the readers through the response. (“They can no longer wait. Life as a black person in the 1960's was full of marginalization, racism, and inequality. In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., King is targeting white people who haven't dealt with segregation, to tell them that black people cannot wait any longer to protest and fight the discrimination and inequality going around in society. King uses visual imagery, sound imagery, and metaphors to communicate his message that black people had to deal with, and were affected, by segregation and racist people to reach for their equality. ”)

The writer employs some effective transitions between paragraphs and sentences. Transitions assist in adequately connecting ideas and maintaining flow and sequence. (“Continuously, King describes how black people were treated with racism and discrimination. For example, in the letter he says, ‘...when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters...’ King uses visual imagery for the purpose of illustrating how even the policemen, who are supposed to deal with the wrongs and take care of the society, were being racist and disrespectful to the black people. This is noteworthy because to this day, many policemen, firefighters, and other ‘heros’ in society act racist, mostly towards people who are Mexican and black. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion that gives the readers a sense of closure. (“Throughout Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., King wants to open white people's eyes who want to hold off black people's equality, and tell them that they have been waiting long enough to protest and fight discrimination. King's message is still relevant in a way that there is still racism and discrimination to this day in our society. Also, he wants to see action and movement to help end all of the inequality and discrimination that is going on all around the world. King started this movement in the 1960's to prevent prejucice, and is still going on today, but blacks aren't the only ones being treated unfairly, all races are, and it is our job to stop it. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. The writer provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Additionally, he/she generally uses correct sentence structures with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“Continuously, King describes how black people were treated with racism and discrimination. For example, in the letter he says, ‘...when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters...’ King uses visual imagery for the purpose of illustrating how even the policemen, who are supposed to deal with the wrongs and take care of the society, were being racist and disrespectful to the black people. This is noteworthy because to this day, many policemen, firefighters, and other ‘heros’ in society act racist, mostly towards people who are Mexican and black. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice when explaining how Dr. King’s stylistic devices appeal to his audience. In this example, the use of “sound imagery” appeals to the readers’ feelings of empathy for Dr. King as he attempts to answer his child’s query about white people’s treatment of others. (“In addition, King reveals the oppression blacks were living around in society. For example, in the letter he says, ‘...when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: ‘Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?’ King uses sound imagery for the purpose of describing to people how his little boy sounded, and how it was hard for King to answer his little boy's question. This is significant because different races that are being approached racistly could have children around at the time, which could impact the child by forming some hatred towards that race. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“Life as a black person in the 1960's was full of marginalization, racism, and inequality. In Letter from a Birmingham Jail, by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., King is targeting white people who haven't dealt with segregation, to tell them that black people cannot wait any longer to protest and fight the discrimination and inequality going around in society. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, the writer adequately ensures that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. There are some errors in spelling and grammar but they do not affect meaning. (“Throughout the letter, King reveals how black people were being marginalized by white people. For example, in the letter he mentions, ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation...’ King uses metaphors for the purpose of comparing how segregation is a dart, for the darts are aimed and thrown at the black people since they are the bull's-eye in society. This is significant because there are many racist people today who feel that their race is superior to others, so they target and demeanor peoples of other races.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The letter "Letter from Birmingham Jail" by Martin Luther King Jr. He wrote this letter as a response to "A Call for Unity". He wrote about how the whites would feel if they had to go through what other 20 million negros are going through. Some of the stylistic devices he uses are semicolon and metaphors to explain what the negros are going through into a deeper thought.

Negros where fighting for rights that everybody is born with, human rights. So it is unfair for them not to have them because of their color. Also because they where tired of the whites telling them to wait for their rights, that safety is more important. Also all schools where segregated by race, cant try to stop racism or you'll be charged and you can only marry blacks if your black and white people can only marry whites.

One of the stylistic devices Martin Luther King Jr. uses is a semicolon. He uses semicolon to combine two sentences that have a powerful meaning to him. "When you see the vast majority of your twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society;" This sentence means that you feel sad when you see other people your same race dying of poverty, hunger and you cant do anything about it. That sentence matters because negros are dying because they wont give them the rights that they were born with.

Another stylistic device that Martin Luther King Jr. used was a metaphor. He uses a metaphor to compare two things that make sense. "Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation to say". He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it. This sentence is important because they were being unfair to the negros just because of their color.

Martin Luther King Jr. uses semicolon and metaphorto express him self writing the things negros where going through. As segregation ended in 1965.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a limited analysis of the text and makes only a few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The letter ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ by Martin Luther King Jr. He wrote this letter as a response to ‘A Call for Unity’. He wrote about how the whites would feel if they had to go through what other 20 million negros are going through. Some of the stylistic devices he uses are semicolon and metaphors to explain what the negros are going through into a deeper thought.”)

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the stylistic devices Dr. King uses to appeal to his audience, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“One of the stylistic devices Martin Luther King Jr. uses is a semicolon. He uses semicolon to combine two sentences that have a powerful meaning to him. ‘When you see the vast majority of your twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society;’ This sentence means that you feel sad when you see other people your same race dying of poverty, hunger and you cant do anything about it.”)

Although the writer manages to establish an informative tone to discuss some of the stylistic devices used in Dr. King’s letter to the clergymen, he/she does not maintain enough focus on how these devices appeal to the intended audience for the readers to relate to and appreciate the overall analysis of Dr. King’s choices. (“Another stylistic device that Martin Luther King Jr. used was a metaphor. He uses a metaphor to compare two things that make sense. ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation to say’. He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it. This sentence is important because they were being unfair to the negros just because of their color.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little evidence or literary elements from the text.

The essay contains limited details that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer identifies stylistic devices and uses quotes to illustrate his/her points. However, the writer focuses on explaining what Dr. King meant by the quote rather than exploring the appeal his stylistic choices had for the intended audience. (“Another stylistic device that Martin Luther King Jr. used was a metaphor. He uses a metaphor to compare two things that make sense. ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation to say’. He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it. This sentence is important because they were being unfair to the negros just because of their color.”)

The writer uses some direct quotes from the text in an attempt to support his/her ideas. (“He uses a metaphor to compare two things that make sense. ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation to say’. He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it.”)

The writer’s explanations of stylistic devices used by Dr. King to appeal to his audience are limited at best. More information and connections to the text would help the readers appreciate the writer’s ideas in a more meaningful way. (“He wrote about how the whites would feel if they had to go through what other 20 million negros are going through. Some of the stylistic devices he uses are semicolon and metaphors to explain what the negros are going through into a deeper thought.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay as well. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. However, he/she lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer provides some limited background information in the introduction. (“The letter ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ by Martin Luther King Jr. He wrote this letter as a response to ‘A Call for Unity’. He wrote about how the whites would feel if they had to go through what other 20 million negros are going through. Some of the stylistic devices he uses are semicolon and metaphors to explain what the negros are going through into a deeper thought.”)

The writer needs to use effective t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“Another stylistic device that Martin Luther King Jr. used was a metaphor. He uses a metaphor to compare two things that make sense. ‘Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation to say’. He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it. This sentence is important because they were being unfair to the negros just because of their color.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the writer move from one main idea to the next.

The writer’s conclusion is limited as well; it does not summarize main ideas or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“Martin Luther King Jr. uses semicolon and metaphorto express him self writing the things negros where going through. As segregation ended in 1965.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience, and some control of voice, but the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient variety and word choice.

There are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“The letter ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ by Martin Luther King Jr. … As segregation ended in 1965.”)

The writer needs to use more varied and sophisticated word choices. In doing so, he/she would strengthen the overall quality and communication of the intended message. (“He means that going through segregation is painful when others haven't even gone through it. This sentence is important because they were being unfair to the negros just because of their color.”)

There are weak sentence structures throughout the essay. For example, the writer should avoid short, choppy sentences by combining ideas that are related to one another to make his/her message more effective for the intended audience. (“So it is unfair for them not to have them because of their color. Also because they where tired of the whites telling them to wait for their rights, that safety is more important. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. Additionally, line breaks should be used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Most notably, there are distracting errors in spelling and grammar that affect meaning. (“Also because they where tired of the whites telling them to wait for their rights, that safety is more important. Also all schools where segregated by race, cant try to stop racism or you'll be charged and you can only marry blacks if your black and white people can only marry whites.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

As the police doors close and the cell door opens it is time to end this problem. In this story Martin Luther King led a civil rights campain in Birmingham, Alabama because of the segration and racistism againest color people vs white. In his letter that he wrote in jail he uses hyerbole and meataphor to show his message about segration and how unfair it really is.

he using hyperbole in his letter. the quote "Twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society." this means that theres alot of black people in jail and cant get out because there to poor and dicriminated by society. This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal.

King also used meataphor in his letter in the quote "... It is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation..." This is quote matters because he is saying that theres no urge to stop segregation for people that don't know how it feels to always be a round a negetive outcome. He is trying to put yourself in his shoes.

In Kings letter he shows you how its feels to be black and how he use stylic device like meataphors and hyperbole to show you how hard it is for his kind. As I mentioned he use his point across off the qoutes that I wrote down. Since people has thought of colored people

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state a central/controlling idea that would lead the readers through the essay. The writer mentions Dr. King’s use of hyperbole and metaphor; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, his/her ideas are very difficult for the readers to follow. (“As the police doors close and the cell door opens it is time to end this problem. In this story Martin Luther King led a civil rights campain in Birmingham, Alabama because of the segration and racistism againest color people vs white. In his letter that he wrote in jail he uses hyerbole and meataphor to show his message about segration and how unfair it really is.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not contain enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand how Dr. King’s use of stylistic devices, such as hyperbole and metaphor, appeal to his audience in a meaningful way. (“he using hyperbole in his letter. the quote ‘Twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society.’ this means that theres alot of black people in jail and cant get out because there to poor and dicriminated by society. This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the stylistic devices Dr. King uses to appeal to his audience. (“King also used meataphor in his letter in the quote ‘... It is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation...’ This is quote matters because he is saying that theres no urge to stop segregation for people that don't know how it feels to always be a round a negetive outcome. He is trying to put yourself in his shoes. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not contain adequate details that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address some of the stylistic devices used by Dr. King in his letter to the clergymen but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the devices and their impact on his intended audience. (“King also used meataphor in his letter in the quote ‘... It is easy for those who have never felt stinging darts of segregation...’ This is quote matters because he is saying that theres no urge to stop segregation for people that don't know how it feels to always be a round a negetive outcome. He is trying to put yourself in his shoes.”)

The writer needs to include relevant information from the text to assist the readers in understanding the connections between his/her ideas and specific stylistic devices used in the literary selection. (“he using hyperbole in his letter. the quote ‘Twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society.’ this means that theres alot of black people in jail and cant get out because there to poor and dicriminated by society. This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal.”)

The writer tries to add context to some of Dr. King’s quotations to illustrate the impact his stylistic devices had on his intended audience; however, without sufficient development of these ideas, the readers are left with many questions. (“In Kings letter he shows you how its feels to be black and how he use stylic device like meataphors and hyperbole to show you how hard it is for his kind. As I mentioned he use his point across off the qoutes that I wrote down. Since people has thought of colored people”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. He/she provides a minimal structure that contains a recognizable introduction and conclusion. Although there is an attempt to employ paragraphing and transitional devices, this does little to lead the readers through the response to a logical conclusion.

The writer exhibits some evidence of an introduction but fails to include a clear sentence that reflects the requirements of the prompt task. (“As the police doors close and the cell door opens it is time to end this problem. In this story Martin Luther King led a civil rights campain in Birmingham, Alabama because of the segration and racistism againest color people vs white. In his letter that he wrote in jail he uses hyerbole and meataphor to show his message about segration and how unfair it really is.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs that emphasize how Dr. King appeals to his audience using effective stylistic devices. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“he using hyperbole in his letter. the quote ‘Twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society.’ this means that theres alot of black people in jail and cant get out because there to poor and dicriminated by society. This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“In Kings letter he shows you how its feels to be black and how he use stylic device like meataphors and hyperbole to show you how hard it is for his kind. As I mentioned he use his point across off the qoutes that I wrote down. Since people has thought of colored people”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language use, simple word choices, and weak style. Notably, he/she commits basic errors in sentence structure and syntax that affect understanding for the intended audience.

There are syntax issues in many portions of the essay. (“This is quote matters because he is saying that theres no urge to stop segregation for people that don't know how it feels to always be a round a negetive outcome. He is trying to put yourself in his shoes. ”)

The essay lacks effective voice and style; this affects the credibility of the writer. (“he using hyperbole in his letter. the quote ‘Twenty million negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society.’ this means that theres alot of black people in jail and cant get out because there to poor and dicriminated by society. This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal. ”)

Many of the writer’s sentences are short and choppy, and word choices are too simple. (“This matters because this is unfair. So basically they get treated like if their an animal. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. Line breaks should be used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Additionally, there are significant errors in spelling and grammar that affect meaning. (“In this story Martin Luther King led a civil rights campain in Birmingham, Alabama because of the segration and racistism againest color people vs white. In his letter that he wrote in jail he uses hyerbole and meataphor to show his message about segration and how unfair it really is.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to get equal cilvil rights in 1963. He wrote a letter about segregation while being in jail in Birmingham, Alabama. MLK uses word choice in order to get civil right for all black people.

First, King uses strong word choice in his lettter. He says, "when your first name becomes "nigger,"(King). This means disrespesct to colored people who've been wanting eaqual rights because of the discrimination and what they've suffered in other words colored people have to take all the insults. This matters because civil rights should be for everyone not just to the white.

King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state an effective central/controlling idea. The essay is unfocused, which leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying about Dr. King’s stylistic choices and how his/her ideas relate to the purpose of the essay. (“Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to get equal cilvil rights in 1963. He wrote a letter about segregation while being in jail in Birmingham, Alabama. MLK uses word choice in order to get civil right for all black people.”)

The essay reveals inadequate connections between the stylistic devices used by Dr. King and the effectiveness of their appeal to his audiences. (“First, King uses strong word choice in his lettter. He says, ‘when your first name becomes ‘nigger,’(King). This means disrespesct to colored people who've been wanting eaqual rights because of the discrimination and what they've suffered in other words colored people have to take all the insults.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. (“King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and contains no meaningful text references to support the writer’s understanding of specific stylistic devices used by Martin Luther King Jr. in his letter and how they appealed to the clergymen.

The writer neglects to include adequate details that highlight specific information from Dr. King’s letter to connect the essay question to the text. (“King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people”)

The writer does not provide enough information from the text for the readers to understand the connections between the main ideas and the stylistic devices used in the letter. The writer does not effectively illustrate an analysis of the stylistic devices employed by Dr. King in his letter to the clergy. (“MLK uses word choice in order to get civil right for all black people. First, King uses strong word choice in his lettter. He says, ‘when your first name becomes ‘nigger,’(King). This means disrespesct to colored people who've been wanting eaqual rights because of the discrimination and what they've suffered in other words colored people have to take all the insults.”)

Due to the brevity of the writer’s essay, the central/controlling idea is never fully developed for the readers. (“This matters because civil rights should be for everyone not just to the white. King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of effective paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, meaningful message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate; it does not contain a clear sentence that explains what the writer will explore throughout the essay. (“Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to get equal cilvil rights in 1963. He wrote a letter about segregation while being in jail in Birmingham, Alabama. MLK uses word choice in order to get civil right for all black people. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used sufficiently to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices will assist the writer with moving from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“First, King uses strong word choice in his lettter. He says, ‘when your first name becomes ‘nigger,’(King). This means disrespesct to colored people who've been wanting eaqual rights because of the discrimination and what they've suffered in other words colored people have to take all the insults. This matters because civil rights should be for everyone not just to the white. ”)

The writer does not include a recognizable conclusion. A strong conclusion should contain a summary of the writer’s main ideas and give the readers a sense of closure. (“King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on sentences in the essay. The writer combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the prompt task. (“This means disrespesct to colored people who've been wanting eaqual rights because of the discrimination and what they've suffered in other words colored people have to take all the insults. ”)

Word choices are simple and do not effectively convey the writer’s ideas in a meaningful way. (“Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to get equal cilvil rights in 1963. He wrote a letter about segregation while being in jail in Birmingham, Alabama. MLK uses word choice in order to get civil right for all black people. ”)

Many of the sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“King uses quotes in oder to get equal rights for colered people ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Lessons Learned in Lord of the Flies

At the end of Lord of the Flies , Ralph is on the beach, crying in front of his rescuers as he thinks about the events he has witnessed and participated in on the island. Suppose he were to return home and tell a counselor what he had seen, what he had done, and what he had learned from these experiences.

Write what Ralph might say to a counselor about what he had learned about other people and about himself from what he saw and what he did on the island. Discuss at least three new insights or understandings Ralph has gained, and connect each insight to the event or events that led up to it. At least one of these insights must be about himself. Give specific examples from the text. Do not summarize the plot. Instead, tell enough about each event to show how seeing or participating in the event led to the insight.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“The island was nice, at first, but there were so many young ones, and no grownups, so it was hard to keep any kind of order there. Even after twenty years, I would never want to go back there, ever. It’s hard to believe, even for me, that normal children, normal people can regress so severely when faced with a difficult situation like we were in. I suppose if I learned anything from that nightmare, it was that people are uncivilized, dangerous, and evil at heart.

We all came from a civilized culture, so the only explanation for our behavior is that the island brought out the uncivil in us. We had no food ready for us, so we had to search and take what we could find. Eventually, we had to hunt. There was no other choice. The island forced it upon us. It is a rather uncivilized thing for children our age to be doing, but surely you understand how necessary it was. I participated in this myself, and I saw an animal’s life taken before my very eyes, and I learned that there is a certain blood lust hidden deep in all of us. It became insatiable.

Our desire for blood and power overtook our common sense to the point where we ended fighting amongst ourselves. I would like to blame Jack for all of this, but it was not entirely his fault. We all added to it; we were all dangerous to each other and ourselves. It is hard to say, really, what made us change so drastically. You feel such a rush when everyone is yelling and there’s action and excitement dancing in the air. Tumbling rocks would have been a game before, but it became more than a game. It became a dangerous form of self-proclaimed protection. It had once been fun. Then, it was a weapon, a means of destruction and death. Piggy’s death. I stood there and watched it. I was a part of that. We were all too foolish to understand what we were really doing. It’s a miracle we all survived as long as we did.

It could have been an accident. Piggy’s death, I mean. I can’t be sure. But I can be sure about Simon. It is the most disgusting act of my life. It’s the one reason I can’t stand to look at myself in a mirror. I don’t trust myself. I fear myself. I fear the evil in me. It’s in all of us. Don’t think it isn’t because it really is. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the horrible things it can do, things you can’t even begin to imagine. I saw the fire, and I heard the voices, and I felt so powerful. We killed an innocent boy. We took his life like it was nothing, and then we tried to fool ourselves into thinking that it didn’t happen. I saw the blood, saw it on my own hands. I heard him scream, fighting for his life. I was responsible for that, and I was supposed to be the mature one.

The island and everything that happened on it lead me to one conclusion: that people are uncivilized and dangerous to each other. All people are evil at heart. There is no denying that. What external catalyst could possibly cause such a devastating turn of events? Nothing, except the pure evil that sits waiting in all of us. That’s what I’ve learned from what I’ve seen and done. We are all evil, and I can never trust myself again."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a meaningful and mature analysis of the text and makes insightful connections between the task and the ideas in the story. The author shows a clear appreciation of the task and presents a compelling argument to the reader.

Content & Development

In supporting his thesis that “All people are evil at heart,” the author utilizes supporting ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of appropriate details from the story for support and explanation. The direct, accurate evidence from the story is compelling and lends credence to the author’s thesis.

Organization

This essay is organized in a very effective, yet almost transparent way. The reader’s attention flows naturally and effortlessly from beginning to end. Overall, this response is cohesive and unified with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This response is composed with very effective and precise language, and aptly shows the author’s artful selection of words. The author writes with a clear sense of the audience and recreates a compelling narrative by the main character in the story.

Mechanics & Conventions

While not completely free of error, this essay manifests very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The experiences I had on the island forever changed my views on other people and myself. During my time on the island I gained new insight and understanding into both others and myself. This is something that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

I was surprised to find early on that I was a leader. I found that my personality lead people to follow me and do as I would say. I’m not sure if I would have discovered this about myself if it hadn’t been for meeting Piggy first out of everyone. He was very weak and submissive so that was all I needed to realize I liked being in charge. While others weren’t as willing to be ruled, such as Jack, for the most part everyone accepted my leadership and we were prosperous for quite some time.

Another thing I discovered while on the island was about the other people who were stranded there with me. Some people are strong and others are weak. The strong will rise up and be successful while the weak will struggle for the same things, probably never reaching them. Piggy who clearly was the weakest of our group with his asthma, glasses, and being overweight would be the first to die if any of us were to. As far as survival of the fittest goes, I found that it really did occur on that island for piggy was the one to die.

I learned something else on that island about other people as well. Some people are very competitive while others don’t mind being ruled. Jack for example was jealous of my power so he broke free of my leadership to start his own tribe. This is when everything started to go downhill. We needed everyone to work together so we could all survive. With Jack and his tribe on their own I found that we were competing against each other for the resources of survival.

You can see how my experiences on the island had a large impact on my life. It forever changed my view of other people and myself. I now know myself as being a natural leader. I also understand that there are others out there that are weaker than myself. These are the ones that follow. And there are also those always wanting to compete and get ahead. These people don’t want to be followers and they won’t be.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author establishes clear connections between the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling idea. Speaking through Ralph, the author demonstrates a fairly mature understanding of the themes of the story.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author uses sufficient appropriate details to support the three key insights cited, linking each lesson to specific events in the text.

Organization

This essay shows good organization. The author presents the reader with a mostly unified structure, including a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices (“Another thing I discovered” and “I learned something else”).

Language Use & Style

This response demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice and shows evidence of the writer’s voice. Despite some awkwardness (“As far as survival of the fittest goes, I found that it really did occur on that island for piggy was the one to die”), the sentences are generally well-structured.

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay maintains good control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. There are very few errors present to distract the reader’s attention.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It’s good to be back home. Being away from civilization for so long isn’t as great as some people may think. Yeah it was fun at first, no rules or adults telling you what to do, but people really change and act and do crazy things when there is no authority figures. Being on that island has showed me that.

After we first crashed on the island I thought that being there on the island was going to be great. The thought of maybe being the only people that had ever been on this island. Just when I thought things were going pretty well, it got better. I was voted to be the leader of our group. Even though Jack seemed more like the leader type I was picked over him. As the leader I didn’t set down any rules. I just let people do pretty much whatever they wanted, besides we were on a deserted island. I didn’t think anything could happen. Having no rules caused Jack and the others to change into savages.

Being on the island also made me realize that you need true friends in life. A true friend is someone that you know well enough that they aren’t going to turn on you. Jack seemed like my friend but he turned on me and piggy and him and the others killed piggy. It is very important to have people in your life that you know and trust. People that will not turn on you like Jack and the others.

The last thing that I realized while on the island was that no matter where you are your always going to miss what you had before. Even in the beginning when I was on the island with no rules or adults. I still missed my parents and civilization. Finding all your own food and water is a lot harder than going to the store and buying something. Being on the island has made me more appreciative of things that I have now. I no longer take things for granted.

Living on that island has made me realize the true nature of people and what they can become if there are no rules or laws. It has also made me realize that I have a lot to be thankful for and not to take true friends and other common things for granted.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response illustrates a basic understanding of the assigned task and provides the reader with some general insights about what Ralph learned.

Content & Development

The author of this response uses sufficient details to communicate the central message to the reader. The author’s message could be strengthened by the addition of greater detail and more specific references to the passage. For example, in the paragraph about true friends, would the author claim that Piggy was a true friend to Ralph? Were there any examples of true friends in the story?

Organization

The organization of this essay is adequate. An introduction and conclusion surround three body paragraphs appropriately dedicated to each of the author’s arguments. The transitions throughout the essay are generally smooth and logical.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is generally appropriate and shows an awareness of the audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors persist, such as the sentence fragment: “The thought of maybe being the only people that had ever been on this island.” Still, these errors do not interfere with the communication of the author’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What Ralph might say to a counselor about what he learned about other people is that they aren’t what they seem sometimes. In the story Ralph found out what people are really like. What he found out about himself is that he isn’t the strong boy that he thought he was. What he did on the island was try to make everything easy for everyone, so they wouldn’t be depressed or anything about being on the island. What he saw on the island could definitely be a lifetime nightmare for him. He saw bad things happen to people that he cared for and were friends with.

All Ralph gained from being on the island is that if you want to trust someone you have to really know them. If you don’t really know then they could sap you in the back and you trying to trust someone wouldn’t be too high.

At first he was the leader of everyone, so no one would get out of order or anything bad would happen to anyone. The people who didn’t want to be a part of that rebelled against Ralph and it made it harder for him to make the rules because no one wanted to follow them. Jack made it very hard for Ralph to be leader; the only reason why is because Jack wanted to be the leader too, but everyone voted for Ralph, so that meant that Jack got voted out of it. That made Jack mad so he went out against Ralph to make it hard for him to do anything at all. So after everyone went against Ralph except for Piggy didn’t go against Ralph, only the other kids.

In my conclusion I think that Ralph learned a great deal about life while he was on the island and I also think that Ralph shouldn’t go to a counselor because they may think that he is some kind of phsyco. All the things that he has seen on the island is a lifetime nightmare.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Overall, this essay shows some promise but is left unfinished. The author suggests a controlling idea that is not developed or supported. In the end, this response only superficially completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using insufficient details to support ideas. From the promise of the introduction, the reader expects to read additional information about Ralph’s insights from his experience, but these ideas remain unsupported. The author tells us that, “In the story Ralph found out what people are really like,” but does not share with the reader exactly what it was Ralph learned.

Organization

While this response does demonstrate some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, it is somewhat disorganized throughout. The author’s various insights are sown throughout the first two paragraphs, and the relationship of the third paragraph to the author’s argument is unclear.

Language Use & Style

The language in this essay tends to be simple, as are the sentences. A portion of the author’s conclusion (“they may think that he is some kind of phsyco”) should be reworded using more appropriate language.

Mechanics & Conventions

This author shows limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. While several noticeable errors in exist, they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

After Ralph is brought home from the island, if he were to go to a counciler and tell of what he saw, did, and learned. He would probable tell how he learned that he should have looked, thought, and avoided some stuff that had happened.

He will say that he should have looked because their was a dead parashutest in the in a tree they thought was a monstor and the wasted alot of time worrying about and getting into arguements over.

He will say they should have thought about what civilization would have done about arguements instead of killing a person.

He would have said that they should have avoid trying to have one leader and have them stck together and learned from eachother.

The significance of what happened is to show him and the others what happens without following instructions

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author develops a meager analysis of what Ralph experienced in the story but ultimately fails to complete the task due to a lack of explanation of the causes and significance of the events.

Content & Development

In this essay, the author produces a sketch of what could be a well-developed thesis. The author presents three key insights from the story. However, the author fails to develop these insights more than superficially.

Organization

This response presents a minimal sense of organization. It appears to begin with a basic introduction and continues to provide some additional detail. A meaningful conclusion, however, is not present.

Language Use & Style

The language in this essay is often is unclear and simple. The use of “He will say” is repetitious and could be improved upon. There is little variety in sentence structure.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay contains many errors in spelling (“monstor” and “counciler”) and grammar (“He would have said that they should have avoid trying to have one leader and have them stck together and learned

from eachother”) and shows only minimal control of the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ralhp he told the story ig Piggy dying he was picked on and short, fat. He was killed on the island because ofstones and rocks and he hit and killed from this.

Ralph didnt do this but he wanted to be leader. Of all the boys there. But Jack was there and wanted too. Piggy didnt do nothing to die for, just because of Jack and Ralph. Ralph learned pressure. Jack was bad and didn''t care about lifes. He containing the power of boys in the island. He excepted them to beleive him. And to obey to do what he said to do. Even if he wanted someone dead. Ralph, yeah he wanted to be leader but not killing. But they listened to Jack.

Everybody gets tried and angry with no rescue. It shows how people are.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows no understanding of the assigned task. While the writer alludes to some of the events in the story, there is no connection made between these events and a lesson learned by Ralph.

Content & Development

In this essay, there is no development of any kind to support a central thesis. The author of this essay mentions a few random events from the story but fails to support their meaning with insights from the story.

Organization

This essay presents no evidence of a unified organizational structure.

Language Use & Style

The style of language used in this essay is unclear (“Piggy didn’t do nothing to die for.”) and simple. Frequent sentence fragments (“But Jack was there and wanted too.”) also hinder the communication of the author’s message.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay shows very little understanding of the conventions of writing. It demonstrates numerous spelling errors (“ofstones” and “didnt”) and grammatical errors (“Of all the boys there.”) that clearly interfere with the communication of the message.

Lessons Learned in “The Necklace”

In the story “The Necklace” by Guy de Maupassant, many characters make mistakes and jump to faulty conclusions. However, the situations they go through give us insights into our own lives and experiences. After carefully reading “The Necklace,” write a multi-paragraph essay discussing one important lesson that you learned as a result of reading this story. Use details and examples from the text to support your interpretation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine borrowing an expensive item to impress others around you. Then imagine spending the next ten years of your life paying for this item that you lost. In the short story "The Necklace," there is a woman named Madame Loisel. Madame Loisel is a middle class woman who thinks that she deserves better. She wants to be rich, but she is forced to marry a clerk because she has no dowry. She and her husband were invited to a ball. She wanted to look nice for the event and borrowed a necklace from her friend. After the party, Madame Loisel realizes she has lost the necklace. It takes ten years of hard work to get the replacement necklace paid for. Many lessons can be learned from this story, one of which is to be grateful for what you already possess.

Mostly, Madame Loisel sat and thought about all of the things that she didn't have. In the story it states that she wanted to be married to a rich man. She believed that if she had married someone rich all of her hopes and dreams would come true. She would have had all of the things she wanted such as nice furniture in a beautiful house, butlers who served her dinner on fine china and so forth. As she continued to dream about these things it only made matters worse for her. She concentrated on the negative instead of looking for the positive. This is not only happening in the story but it is happening in today's world as well. Many people just sit and mope about all the things that they don't have and it can make people become depressed and cause many problems for individuals and even families.

After being invited to the ball, Madame Loisel was instantly worried about her appearance. She did not want to look like a pauper. She borrowed a necklace from her friend thinking it would make her look beautiful and wealthy. After a having a wonderful evening at the dance, Madame Loisel became embarrassed when she didn't have a nice fur placed on her shoulders like the rest of the women at the party. She left the event not realizing that the borrowed necklace was gone. Madame Loisel was forced to borrow money in order to replace the necklace. It took ten long years of hard work from her and her husband to repay all of the loans. They had to live in a small home in order to save money, and this made Madame Loisel even more upset with her lifestyle. This could have all been avoided if she had not been so vain and had been happy with what she looked like. Many people are like Madame Loisel and think that appearance is the only thing that matters. Some people become so obsessed with the way they look that they lose focus on things they should be concentrating on such as schoolwork or their jobs.

The story stated that Madame Loisel was a very pretty woman. Without the wealth, she didn't have the confidence of who she really was. After losing the necklace, she works very hard, doing all of the housework herself instead of having a maid. All of the work and the negative thinking caused her to age very quickly. She became old and worn looking. The story mentions how when the debts were finally paid off, she ran into the woman from whom she had borrowed the necklace. This woman still looked young and beautiful while Madame Loisel looked haggard and old. She did not recognize her until Madame Loisel told her who she was. Madame Loisel recounted the last ten years of her life and how they had just been terrible. The other woman exclaimed that she was very sorry that she had gone to all of the trouble paying for a real diamond necklace when the one that had been borrowed was just a paste.

In conclusion, there is a very important lesson that can be learned from this story. Some people think that the lesson from the story is that you should always tell the truth. However, the main lesson from this story is that you always should be grateful for the things that you have. Although you should want to improve and make life better for yourself, you should not waste time being negative about all of the things you don't have. You should be happy with what you do have and make the most of it. Madame Loisel was never content with the things she had, and that is what got her in the position she was in. Living in a small home with meager means, aging quickly, and never having the things she wanted, Madame Loisel ended up with much less than she originally possessed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling/central idea. In particular, the essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary topic. (“Madame Loisel is a middle class woman who thinks that she deserves better. . . . After the party, Madame Loisel realizes she has lost the necklace. It takes ten years of hard work to get the replacement necklace paid for. Many lessons can be learned from this story, one of which is to be grateful for what you already possess.”) The writer keeps the same focus throughout the essay. (“After being invited to the ball, Madame Loisel was instantly worried about her appearance. She did not want to look like a pauper. She borrowed a necklace from her friend thinking it would make her look beautiful and wealthy.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Mostly, Madame Loisel sat and thought about all of the things that she didn't have. In the story it states that she wanted to be married to a rich man. She believed that if she had married someone rich all of her hopes and dreams would come true.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas completely and artfully using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“After losing the necklace, she works very hard, doing all of the housework herself instead of having a maid. All of the work and the negative thinking caused her to age very quickly. She became old and worn looking.”) The essay includes details regarding specific information about the main character. (“This could have all been avoided if she had not been so vain and had been happy with what she looked like. Many people are like Madame Loisel and think that appearance is the only thing that matters.”) Relevant points explain and illustrate main ideas very effectively. (“Mostly, Madame Loisel sat and thought about all of the things that she didn't have. In the story it states that she wanted to be married to a rich man. She believed that if she had married someone rich all of her hopes and dreams would come true.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates very effective organization. The cohesive and unified structure exhibits an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; additionally, the writer effectively uses transitional devices throughout. In particular, the essay very effectively grabs readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Imagine borrowing an expensive item to impress others around you. Then imagine spending the next ten years of your life paying for this item that you lost.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In conclusion, there is a very important lesson that can be learned from this story. Some people think that the lesson from the story is that you should always tell the truth. However, the main lesson from this story is that you always should be grateful for the things that you have.”) The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ Madame Loisel was never content with the things she had, and that is what got her in the position she was in. Living in a small home with meager means, aging quickly, and never having the things she wanted, Madame Loisel ended up with much less than she originally possessed.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. The writer exhibits precise language, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured and varied sentences. For example, the language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ After being invited to the ball, Madame Loisel was instantly worried about her appearance. She did not want to look like a pauper. She borrowed a necklace from her friend thinking it would make her look beautiful and wealthy. ”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ The story stated that Madame Loisel was a very pretty woman. Without the wealth, she didn't have the confidence of who she really was. After losing the necklace, she works very hard, doing all of the housework herself instead of having a maid. ”) Compound and complex sentences are used effectively. (“ You should be happy with what you do have and make the most of it. Madame Loisel was never content with the things she had, and that is what got her in the position she was in. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ After being invited to the ball, Madame Loisel was instantly worried about her appearance. She did not want to look like a pauper. She borrowed a necklace from her friend thinking it would make her look beautiful and wealthy. After a having a wonderful evening at the dance, Madame Loisel became embarrassed when she didn't have a nice fur placed on her shoulders like the rest of the women at the party. She left the event not realizing that the borrowed necklace was gone.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In "The Necklace", by Guy de Moupassant, the author displays two very important themes. The two themes in this short story are that greed can lead to pain and that honesty is always the right decision. Madame Loisel, the main character, should not have been so greedy in that of thinking she absolutely had to have such expensive jewelry and clothing for the party. It then teaches that she should have been honest with her friend about the necklace, instead of lying. Both of these lessons are shown through the misfortunes of Madame Loisel pertaining to the necklace she borrowed.

To begin, the story depicts that Madame Loisel should have been thankful for what she had and not let her greed take over. The story explains how envious Madame Loisel was and how she had never had any expensive clothes or possessions like she wanted. The author wrote that "Fate had blundered her over", describing how she did not like becoming poor. When she received a note inviting her and her husband to a very big party, Madame Loisel became very angry. She realized how little she owned and was infuriated about this. First she had her husband give her 400 franks to purchase an expensive dress for her to wear at the party. As if using his saved up money was bad enough, she then complained about not having jewelry. She didn't even want to go to the dance anymore if she didn't have jewelry. Not being able to afford expensive jewelry, Madame Loisel borrowed a large diamond necklace from her friend. This necklace later caused her and her husband great trouble and despair. If she had not been so greedy about needing nice clothing then she wouldn't have been in that situation. The story teaches to not be greedy because it will eventually lead to trouble.

Next, the story teaches to always be honest. After the party Madame Loisel loses the necklace she had been lent in a taxi. Scared, she then tells her friend that the clasp had simply been broken and she was merely getting it fixed. This lie was used to buy her time while her and her husband went to many jewelry stores to buy a necklace like the one that she lost the night of the party. After much trouble they gave her friend the new necklace and acted like it had never been lost. Paying for the necklace however sent them into extreme poverty for the next ten years. Then at the end of the story Madame Loisel finds that the necklace had been a fake. In fact it was worth a fraction of what they had paid to replace it! If Madame Loisel had been honest about the necklace she wouldn't of had to work for a grueling ten years. This teaches the reader to always be honest by using extreme irony in the last few lines of the story. The story shows that being honest would have helped Madame Loisel instead of being punished for ten years.

Last, I believe these are two very important lessons that were taught through Madame Loisel in "The Necklace". It teaches the reader to not act greedy and selfish. The author does this by showing that Madame Loisel let her greed hurt her husband and herself. She should not have become so distraught over such a small problem. Then, it showed that she should have been honest about the necklace from the start. If she had been she wouldn't have been sentenced to suffer for so long. Both of these lessons, honesty and not being greedy, are important for people to learn. If not followed, they too could end up suffering like Madame Loisel.

"The Necklace", by Guy Moupassant, modeled two very strong and significant themes. These important themes were displayed through the misfortune of Madame Loisel and her husband. Through her experiences, the author of "The Necklace" taught the reader not to be greedy and to always be honest. The reader is supposed to learn from Madame Loisel's wrongdoings.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling/central idea. Specifically, t he writer communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary topic well. (“ In ‘The Necklace’, by Guy de Moupassant, the author displays two very important themes. The two themes in this short story are that greed can lead to pain and that honesty is always the right decision.”) The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“ To begin, the story depicts that Madame Loisel should have been thankful for what she had and not let her greed take over. The story explains how envious Madame Loisel was and how she had never had any expensive clothes or possessions like she wanted.”) The language of the thesis fits the examples well. (“ It teaches the reader to not act greedy and selfish. The author does this by showing that Madame Loisel let her greed hurt her husband and herself. She should not have become so distraught over such a small problem.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. In particular, the essay uses details that relate to the theme of the literary topic, including specific information about the main character. (“ After the party Madame Loisel loses the necklace she had been lent in a taxi. Scared, she then tells her friend that the clasp had simply been broken and she was merely getting it fixed.”) The essay includes good, specific details that relate to other characters. (“ This lie was used to buy her time while her and her husband went to many jewelry stores to buy a necklace like the one that she lost the night of the party. After much trouble they gave her friend the new necklace and acted like it had never been lost. Paying for the necklace however sent them into extreme poverty for the next ten years.”) The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ The story explains how envious Madame Loisel was and how she had never had any expensive clothes or possessions like she wanted. The author wrote that ‘Fate had blundered her over’, describing how she did not like becoming poor.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates good organization. It exhibits a mostly unified structure with consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ In ‘The Necklace’, by Guy de Moupassant, the author displays two very important themes. The two themes in this short story are that greed can lead to pain and that honesty is always the right decision. Madame Loisel, the main character, should not have been so greedy. . . .”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Next, the story teaches to always be honest. After the party Madame Loisel loses the necklace she had been lent in a taxi. Scared, she then tells her friend that the clasp had simply been broken and she was merely getting it fixed.”) The conclusion summarizes the main point of the essay well. (“ ‘The Necklace’, by Guy Moupassant, modeled two very strong and significant themes. These important themes were displayed through the misfortune of Madame Loisel and her husband. Through her experiences, the author of ‘The Necklace’ taught the reader not to be greedy and to always be honest.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates good use of language and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; in addition, the writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ This teaches the reader to always be honest by using extreme irony in the last few lines of the story. The story shows that being honest would have helped Madame Loisel. . . .”) Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ To begin, the story depicts that Madame Loisel should have been thankful for what she had and not let her greed take over. The story explains how envious Madame Loisel was and how she had never had any expensive clothes or possessions like she wanted.”) The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ It then teaches that she should have been honest with her friend about the necklace, instead of lying. Both of these lessons are shown through the misfortunes of Madame Loisel pertaining to the necklace she borrowed.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, the sentences contain a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and line breaks are used to separate paragraphs. (“ ‘The Necklace’, by Guy Moupassant, modeled two very strong and significant themes. These important themes were displayed through the misfortune of Madame Loisel and her husband. Through her experiences, the author of ‘The Necklace’ taught the reader not to be greedy and to always be honest. The reader is supposed to learn from Madame Loisel's wrongdoings.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Many lessons are learned when you read some books. For example in the book The Necklace there are many lessons that can be learned just by reading one simple sentence. Mathilde a girl who is not the wealthiest or happiest girl is invited to a very fine party for the rich people. She is not happy about it because she does not have any nice things to wear. Her husband asks her about some of the dresses she has worn before, but there is no such luck with Mathilde, she wants a new dress.

I have learned many lessons in this book. I learned that you should never try to change who you are and be happy with you life. For example Mathilde's husband gave her the money out of his savings to buy her a new dress. He had been saving his money for a very long time now but wanted to make his wife happy. Later on they went out to look for a new dress that she could wear to the party. She finally finds the dress she wants but is still not very content with what she has. At home she tells her husband she is does not have any nice jewels to wear with her dress.

Mathilde wished for finer jewelry. Her husband suggested she got to her friend Mme. Forestier and see may she borrow something of hers. She cried with joy yelling "Why, that's so! I hadn't thought of it." From that I learned she was not happy with what she had and she wanted more. The next day at her friends house she found a beautiful diamond necklace. She begged to say the least just to wear the necklace.

It was the night of the party and Mathilde looked beautiful even better then all of the rich women that attended. At that point you see that she is acting different and changing. She danced with the other men and never really talked to her husband, when he was the one who brought her, she let this all go to her head. Soon the party was over and when they both got home, she had realized Mme. Forestier's necklace was missing. I learned that you should pay more attention to what your doing then trying to have too much fun. She lied to her friend telling her they were getting it fixed to save some time.

The went to a jewelry place to see if maybe she had bought it from there, but there was no luck, and they kept looking. Finally they found one that looked just like the one she borrowed. She brought it to her friend and she told her that she should have gave it back because she might have needed it. Mathilde should have told her right then that she lost it but she did not, and thats a lesson learned also.

In the story Mathilde learns many things and so do I. We both learned that if you tell the truth something good could happen and if you lie about it something bad could happen. In the end Mathilde and her husband had to work for ten years to pay a necklace off that was not even real. If they would have told her friend the truth she may have understood because it was not worth much in the first place. She learned her lesson because now she has less then what she did before.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary topic through a controlling/central idea. Specifically, the writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“ Many lessons are learned when you read some books. For example in the book The Necklace there are many lessons that can be learned just by reading one simple sentence.”) The writer generally keeps the same focus throughout the essay. (“ I have learned many lessons in this book. I learned that you should never try to change who you are and be happy with you life. For example Mathilde's husband gave her the money out of his savings to buy her a new dress.”) Details regarding specific information about the plot are included. (“The went to a jewelry place to see if maybe she had bought it from there, but there was no luck, and they kept looking. Finally they found one that looked just like the one she borrowed. She brought it to her friend and she told her that she should have gave it back because she might have needed it.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately using some specific and accurate evidence from the text. Specifically, the main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“ Mathilde wished for finer jewelry. Her husband suggested she got to her friend Mme. Forestier and see may she borrow something of hers. She cried with joy yelling ‘Why, that's so! I hadn't thought of it.’ From that I learned she was not happy with what she had and she wanted more.”) The essay includes facts, examples, and explanations about each of the main ideas. (“ It was the night of the party and Mathilde looked beautiful even better then all of the rich women that attended. At that point you see that she is acting different and changing. She danced with the other men and never really talked to her husband, when he was the one who brought her, she let this all go to her head.”) Details to describe what is important about the main characters are present. (“ She brought it to her friend and she told her that she should have gave it back because she might have needed it. Mathilde should have told her right then that she lost it but she did not, and thats a lesson learned also.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates adequate organization. It contains a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion; however, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. In particular, the essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Many lessons are learned when you read some books.”) The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ For example in the book The Necklace there are many lessons that can be learned just by reading one simple sentence. Mathilde a girl who is not the wealthiest or happiest girl is invited to a very fine party for the rich people. She is not happy about it because she does not have any nice things to wear. ”) The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ In the story Mathilde learns many things and so do I. We both learned that if you tell the truth something good could happen and if you lie about it something bad could happen. ”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates adequate use of language and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; in addition, the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ I have learned many lessons in this book. I learned that you should never try to change who you are and be happy with you life. For example Mathilde's husband gave her the money out of his savings to buy her a new dress.”) Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ In the end Mathilde and her husband had to work for ten years to pay a necklace off that was not even real. If they would have told her friend the truth she may have understood because it was not worth much in the first place.”) Word choices are sometimes poor. (“ The next day at her friends house she found a beautiful diamond necklace. She begged to say the least just to wear the necklace.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics in the essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message . For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, begin with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate paragraphs. (“ In the story Mathilde learns many things and so do I. We both learned that if you tell the truth something good could happen and if you lie about it something bad could happen. In the end Mathilde and her husband had to work for ten years to pay a necklace off that was not even real. If they would have told her friend the truth she may have understood because it was not worth much in the first place.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The lesson that i learned is that if you do something wrong, as in "The Necklace", and lose something that doesn't belong to you, it would be so much better to confrunt the person that the item you lost belonged to, and tell them what happened and that you would pay for how much it cost. This will save you a lot of time that you can now use paying back whatever you lost back and knowing the cost of the item will also be a big help too.

In "The Necklace" Mme. Loisel (the wife) was ungratful for what she had, and always complained about the way she lived. Then her husband gets an invatation that a ball, and Mme. Loisel was sad because she didn't have a expensive dress to wear, so the husband spent all the money he was saving to buy a rifle he spent on her dress. Then she got upset again because she didn't have any jewerly to wear with her dress, so she ends up barrowing a necklace from her friend Mme. Forestier.

Then at the the ball she has a splendid time and was dancing with every man there, and on her way home she relizes that the necklace was missing. So the husband and the wife decide not to tell Lady Forestier about her necklace, and they go to a Jewerly Parlor and find a necklace that looked exactly the same as the one she had lost. So they end up able to purcashe the necklace, and it ends up taking 10 years for the couple to pay off all the debts that they owed. Then one day Mme. Loisel finds Lady Forestier pushing a stroller around and ends up telling her what had happened and Lady Forestier's respones was, "Oh my dear Mathilde. But mine was only paste. Why. at most it was worth only five hundred francs!"

Through this story I learned its better to tell people when something happened instead of telling them later and find out that what ever I had lost ended up being fake. I think this will come in handy in the future when I become older and I will end up needing to barrow something from someone, and if I lose it I will know to tell them ahead of time and not later. I think that I will end up being glad that I read this story because now I am prepared for what would happen if I didn't tell the person whose item I had lost.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling/central idea. For example, the essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“The lesson that i learned is that if you do something wrong, as in ‘The Necklace’, and lose something that doesn't belong to you, it would be so much better to confrunt the person that the item you lost belonged to, and tell them what happened and that you would pay for how much it cost.”) The essay does not keep the same focus throughout the writing. (“I think this will come in handy in the future when I become older and I will end up needing to barrow something from someone, and if I lose it I will know to tell them ahead of time and not later.”) The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the character. (“In ‘The Necklace’ Mme. Loisel (the wife) was ungratful for what she had, and always complained about the way she lived. Then her husband gets an invatation that a ball, and Mme. Loisel was sad because she didn't have a expensive dress to wear, so the husband spent all the money he was saving to buy a rifle he spent on her dress.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. Specifically, the essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Then at the the ball she has a splendid time and was dancing with every man there, and on her way home she relizes that the necklace was missing. So the husband and the wife decide not to tell Lady Forestier about her necklace, and they go to a Jewerly Parlor and find a necklace that looked exactly the same as the one she had lost.”) There is a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In ‘The Necklace’ Mme. Loisel (the wife) was ungratful for what she had, and always complained about the way she lived. Then her husband gets an invatation that a ball, and Mme. Loisel was sad because she didn't have a expensive dress to wear, so the husband spent all the money he was saving to buy a rifle he spent on her dress.”) The details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Then one day Mme. Loisel finds Lady Forestier pushing a stroller around and ends up telling her what had happened and Lady Forestier's respones was, ‘Oh my dear Mathilde. But mine was only paste. Why. at most it was worth only five hundred francs!’ ”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and the essay lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. In particular, the introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The lesson that i learned is that if you do something wrong, as in ‘The Necklace’, and lose something that doesn't belong to you, it would be so much better to confrunt the person that the item you lost belonged to, and tell them what happened and that you would pay for how much it cost.”) There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Then at the the ball she has a splendid time and was dancing with every man there, and on her way home she relizes that the necklace was missing. So the husband and the wife decide not to tell Lady Forestier about her necklace. . . .”) The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ Through this story I learned its better to tell people when something happened instead of telling them later and find out that what ever I had lost ended up being fake.” )

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates limited use of language and style. The essay demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice; however, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. In particular, there is repetition. (“ I think this will come in handy in the future when I become older and I will end up needing to barrow something from someone, and if I lose it I will know to tell them ahead of time and not later. I think that I will end up being glad that I read this story because now I am prepared for what would happen if I didn't tell the person whose item I had lost.”) Exact words are missing. (“ The lesson that i learned is that if you do something wrong, as in ‘The Necklace’, and lose something that doesn't belong to you, it would be so much better to confrunt the person that the item you lost belonged to, and tell them what happened and that you would pay for how much it cost.”) The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Then at the the ball she has a splendid time and was dancing with every man there, and on her way home she relizes that the necklace was missing. So the husband and the wife decide not to tell Lady Forestier. . . .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. The essay should include sentences that have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and follow capitalization conventions. (“The lesson that i learned is that if you do something wrong, as in ‘The Necklace’, and lose something that doesn't belong to you, it would be so much better to confrunt the person that the item you lost belonged to, and tell them what happened and that you would pay for how much it cost. This will save you a lot of time that you can now use paying back whatever you lost back and knowing the cost of the item will also be a big help too.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The necklace taught me many lessons, but I think that the main lesson was on telling the truth. In the book the main character never tells her friend until the very end that she lost her friends necklace. The necklace, as it turns out, was a fake. Had she just told her friend it would have saved her and her husbands ten years of debt.

I learned that it is important to tell the truth after it happens. If you wait awhile you could lose lots of time, energy, and money. If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked. Her friend would have probably let her just pay the price of the fake necklace.

I also learned that even though you may hate what happens, if you tell the truth, the ending will be better.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. (“The necklace taught me many lessons, but I think that the main lesson was on telling the truth. In the book the main character never tells her friend until the very end that she lost her friends necklace.”) The writer uses minimal detail that relates to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“I learned that it is important to tell the truth after it happens. If you wait awhile you could lose lots of time, energy, and money. If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I also learned that even though you may hate what happens, if you tell the truth, the ending will be better.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates minimal content and development. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately using minimal references to the text. There is minimal use of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, setting, or dialogue. (“The necklace, as it turns out, was a fake. Had she just told her friend it would have saved her and her husbands ten years of debt.”) The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“I learned that it is important to tell the truth after it happens. If you wait awhile you could lose lots of time, energy, and money. If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked. Her friend would have probably let her just pay the price of the fake necklace.”) The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“I also learned that even though you may hate what happens, if you tell the truth, the ending will be better.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. It exhibits little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion; furthermore, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ The necklace taught me many lessons, but I think that the main lesson was on telling the truth. In the book the main character never tells her friend until the very end that she lost her friends necklace.”) The introduction does little to include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Had she just told her friend it would have saved her and her husbands ten years of debt.”) The writer does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ I also learned that even though you may hate what happens, if you tell the truth, the ending will be better.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates minimal use of language and style. The essay demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; furthermore, the writer makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. Exact words are missing . (“ If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked. Her friend would have probably let her just pay the price of the fake necklace.”) There is repetition. (“ I learned that it is important to tell the truth after it happens . . . . I also learned that even though you may hate what happens, if you tell the truth, the ending will be better.”) The style is not formal. (“ If you wait awhile you could lose lots of time, energy, and money. If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked. Her friend would have probably let her just pay the price of the fake necklace.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“I learned that it is important to tell the truth after it happens. If you wait awhile you could lose lots of time, energy, and money. If she had told her friend from the start, she wouldn't have to had worked. Her friend would have probably let her just pay the price of the fake necklace.”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story "The Necklace" i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in "The Necklace" asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connection among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling/central idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary topic. It includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and a controlling idea is not stated. (“In the story ‘The Necklace’ i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in ‘The Necklace’ asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to[.]”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas using no meaningful references to the text. The essay uses inadequate or no details that relate to the theme of the story, uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters, and there are inadequate main ideas in the body paragraphs. (“In the story ‘The Necklace’ i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in ‘The Necklace’ asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to[.]”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. There is no evidence of a unified structure with an introduction or conclusion; furthermore, there is no evidence of sufficient paragraphing or transitional devices. Specifically, the introduction is inadequate, t ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas, and the conclusion is inadequate and does not summarize the main points of the essay. (“In the story ‘The Necklace’ i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in ‘The Necklace’ asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to[.]”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate use of language and style in this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear, incoherent language use and word choice; in addition, there is no awareness of audience. The sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience, exact words are missing, and sentences are short . (“In the story ‘The Necklace’ i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in ‘The Necklace’ asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to[.]”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), end with a punctuation mark, and begin with a capital letter. (“In the story ‘The Necklace’ i learned an important lesson that's very important not to do. I learn that its very important to tell the truth, never lie. Its really good to be honest and not to lie. The lady in ‘The Necklace’ asks her friend Mdm. Forester to let her barrow a necklace for the Ball she was invited to[.]”) The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Literature and Film Comparison

Think about a novel or play you have read that was also developed into a movie.

Write a multi-paragraph essay comparing and contrasting the text and the movie. Be sure to consider differences and similarities in characters, setting, and plot. Include specific examples and details from the text and the film to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Recently, a new film adaptation was made of Jane Austen's classic, "Pride and Prejudice." For years, people have been bickering about the merits of screen versus book. While some books have been successfully made into movies, many fall flat on their faces. Unfortunately, this is what happened with the new movie. It did not hold true to the book, and so was not terribly interesting.

There were a few things in the movie that were the same as the book. The same basic characters were the same, as was the plot. They used many of the same happenings and circumstances, but they did not develop them so well as they had been developed in the book.

The characters were not terribly true to the book. Mr. Darcy in the movie did not have the same gumption as he did in the book. He did not seem dignified and pompous, just shy and awkward. This is especially apparent in the part where he proposes to Elizabeth . In the movie, he just spits out the proposal, almost as if he cannot wait to get it over, whereas in the book, he seems much more dignified and proud about it.

Mr. Bingley in the film was ridiculous. In the book he was a little awkward and impulsive, but in the movie he seemed completely clueless, and almost ill-bred. His general image was not helped by the fact that he had carrot red hair that he wore about three inches high.

The film also messed with Elizabeth 's family. Her mother actually seemed to care about others, and to have a grain of sense, and Lizzy actually seemed to love her, rather than just bear with her. Her father was a little more affectionate than in the book, and a good bit more undignified. He is interested in gardening and breeding pigs, which is not very dignified at all.

The film did a fairly good job portraying her sisters, but they made Mary a little more pitiful, and not so snobbish, which was not the way it was in the book. The film also turned Lizzy's aunt and uncle into a pair of country bumpkins. In the book, they were dignified, kind, wise, and understanding.

Mr. Collins, in the movie, was definitely not the same as he was in the book. In the book he is repugnant, odious, and terribly obsequious. In the movie, he is simply laughable, and rather repugnant. Georgiana Darcy's character was also completely changed. In the book, she is painfully shy, but in the movie, she is outgoing and cheerful, almost obnoxious.

The people who made the movie chopped the book horribly, also. While they kept many of the main events, they cut out a lot of the development, so when something happened, you didn't understand why it had happened. They also cut out too much of the thinking and considering that was in the book. I am sure they did this because it made the story run faster, but as a result, the character development was very poor. In the movie, when Lydia ran away, it happened very quickly, and was resolved very quickly, whereas in the book, it is the turning point for the rest of the story. Also, the makers of the movie did not develop Lizzy's relationship with Mr. Wickham, so it really did not make sense why she liked him so much, and stuck up for him.

In the book, the characters and places seemed very refined, and genteel. In the movie, the Bennet's live on a farm, and their house is dirty and cluttered. The town seems much less refined, and much more like a barnyard community. The costumes, also, were not historically accurate. Mr. Bingley's sister, in one, scene, wore a spaghetti strap dress. I do not think they wore those in that time period.

On the whole, the movie was nowhere near as good as the book. Do not misunderstand, the movie was definitely entertaining, but once you have read the book, there is no comparison.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author demonstrates a very effective, engaging, and constant focus and meaning. The author clearly and strongly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“ The people who made the movie chopped the book horribly, also. While they kept many of the main events, they cut out a lot of the development, so when something happened, you didn't understand why it had happened. They also cut out too much of the thinking and considering that was in the book. I am sure they did this because it made the story run faster, but as a result, the character development was very poor.”) The writer also establishes an in-depth comparison and review of the two works, as well as an analysis that blends both mediums effortlessly. The writer also uses direct quotations from the text to effectively define his/her central idea.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed by using a wide variety of specific evidence and detailed and effective quotes. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text and film to draw comparisons between the characters and the overall differences and similarities throughout both works. (“The characters were not terribly true to the book. Mr. Darcy in the movie did not have the same gumption as he did in the book. He did not seem dignified and pompous, just shy and awkward. This is especially apparent in the part where he proposes to Elizabeth . In the movie, he just spits out the proposal, almost as if he cannot wait to get it over, whereas in the book, he seems much more dignified and proud about it.”)

Organization

In this essay, a review and comparison of a book and film is effectively established in the opening paragraph and supported by a unified structure and strong conclusion. (“ Recently, a new film adaptation was made of Jane Austen's classic, "Pride and Prejudice." For years, people have been bickering about the merits of screen versus book. While some books have been successfully made into movies, many fall flat on their faces. Unfortunately, this is what happened with the new movie. It did not hold true to the book, and so was not terribly interesting.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are sound and the structure of the essay remains cohesive throughout. In this essay, the writer excels at making strong and effective connections between the text and film.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and effective. The author compares and creates an analysis of the story and characters in a diverse and descriptive manner, while choosing words that imaginatively engage the reader. The author’s voice remains well defined and engaging, and he/she establishes a strong sense of audience. (“Mr. Collins, in the movie, was definitely not the same as he was in the book. In the book he is repugnant, odious, and terribly obsequious. In the movie, he is simply laughable, and rather repugnant. Georgiana Darcy's character was also completely changed. In the book, she is painfully shy, but in the movie, she is outgoing and cheerful, almost obnoxious.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes effective control of conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. These errors do not interfere with communication of the writer’s argument. (“In the book, the characters and places seemed very refined, and genteel. In the movie, the Bennet's live on a farm, and their house is dirty and cluttered. The town seems much less refined, and much more like a barnyard community. The costumes, also, were not historically accurate. Mr. Bingley's sister, in one, scene, wore a spaghetti strap dress. I do not think they wore those in that time period.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever thought about what two different cultures could have in common? Well, they could have many ideas in common like in Shakespeare's play, " King Lear ", and the Japanese film," Ran" , which are two works of art that are from two very different cultures. However, they both share many characteristics about the same idea of tragedy in the feudal system.

"King Lear", and the film,"Ran", talk about a king that was betrayed by his sons and daughters after he passed his power to them. This is the main idea behind both of these works of art, however the characters are not the same in the film and the play. For example, in the play," King Lear ", the protagonist is King Lear himself, who is the ruler of Pre - Christian Britain.In the beggining of thge play he is seen as an old, powerful man that is too proud. He has three daughters in the play that are named Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia. On the other hand, in the movie ,"Ran", the protagonist is named Hidetora who is the ruler of Japan . Hidetora has three sons, they are named Taro, Hiro, and Saburo. In the begining of the film Hidetora is seen as a man, too old to be able to handle all the power he has because he sleeps during his meetings he has, but he has also done many cruel things to others like taking their eyes out. In these two works of art the feudal system is used in which stages are used depending on one's money or power in a country.

These two works of art, contain a second key event which is an exciting force. The exciting force can be defined as the event that starts the story and which can create the tragedy. In, "King Lear", the exciting force was when Cordelia and Kent (a loyal servant) are banished by Lear, just for speaking their minds. Cordelia had been asked to tell Lear how much she loved him, but she said that she couldn't love him fully because she would soon get married. For this reason, Lear got mad at her and banished her, but Kent begged Lear to reconsider his decision but got banished too. However, in the movie, "Ran", Saburo tells his father that what he is doing about diving his power into three is wrong. He then gets mad and banishes him form the kingdom, but his servant, Tango also told Hidetora that his choice was not the correct one and that he would banish the only son that that cared about him. Both of the events of the film and play are similar only that their characters and what they say is different. The events also hold the same ideas but they are just exprssed in different ways.

The third key component in these two stories is the climax. The climax is the point in which there is an obvious change in the protagonist. The climax in the play is when Lear is outside Gloucester 's castle in the storm and he is going insane after he realized that his two daughters, Goneril and Regan, are planning to murder him. On the other hand in the movie, the climax is when Hidetora is in Taro's castle and there is a war going outside and he is inside meditating and realizing that he had been betrayed. Both of the ideas are that the kings are becoming mad because of the betrayal of their sons and daughters. They are different because of the characters and the settinngs.

The play,"King Lear," and the film,"Ran," also contain a fourth component which is the moment of final suspense. The moment of final suspense is the part where everything seems as if it were going to be all right for the protagonist. The moment of final suspense in the play is when Cordelia and Lear meet in Dover , so Cordelia could help Lear when he was insane. This event happened after Kent sent a Gentlemen to Dover to show her a ring so bshe knew who needed help and why. Buut the film, "Ran", the moment of final suspense happened when Saburo and Hidetora met in the desert, while Hiro was fighting, after they were reunited by Tango. These two scenes are similar because they show a father re uniting with their son or daughter.

The fifth key element in these two tragedies is the catastrophe. The catastrophe is the event where the protagonist dies after the moment of final suspense. In, "King Lear" , Lear realizes bthat Cordelia is dead after Goneril killed her, and he dies of a broken heart in Dover . However, in the film, "Ran" , Saburo and Hidetora are riding their horses when suddenly an arrow hit Saburo and he died. Hidetora later realizes that his son is dead and he also dies of a broken heart. These two events are similar but the characters and the settings are different.

In my opinion, the film, "Ran", and the play, "King Lear," are very similar because of the idea of tragedy and the danger of backstabbing. But they are different only because some characters in the movie are males, but they are females in the play. The settings are also different because in the movie the stting is Japan and in the play the setting is Great Britain . These two works of art easily demonstrate that two cultures can share many of the same ideas.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the author writes with a clear focus and meaning. The author maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong comparison and review of their chosen book and film. (“The fifth key element in these two tragedies is the catastrophe. The catastrophe is the event where the protagonist dies after the moment of final suspense. In, "King Lear" , Lear realizes bthat Cordelia is dead after Goneril killed her, and he dies of a broken heart in Dover . However, in the film, "Ran" , Saburo and Hidetora are riding their horses when suddenly an arrow hit Saburo and he died. Hidetora later realizes that his son is dead and he also dies of a broken heart. These two events are similar but the characters and the settings are different.”) The author effectively analyzes the different aspects of the book and film with little to no difficulty and recalls specific examples from each work.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and clear. Ideas are clearly introduced by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and detailed examples. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text and film to create a strong overall comparison of their similarities and differences. (“"King Lear", and the film,"Ran", talk about a king that was betrayed by his sons and daughters after he passed his power to them. This is the main idea behind both of these works of art, however the characters are not the same in the film and the play. For example, in the play," King Lear ", the protagonist is King Lear himself, who is the ruler of Pre - Christian Britain.”)

Organization

In this essay, a review and comparison of the two works is clearly defined in the opening paragraph and supported by a cohesive structure and conclusion. (“ In my opinion, the film, "Ran", and the play, "King Lear," are very similar because of the idea of tragedy and the danger of backstabbing. But they are different only because some characters in the movie are males, but they are females in the play. The settings are also different because in the movie the stting is Japan and in the play the setting is Great Britain . These two works of art easily demonstrate that two cultures can share many of the same ideas.”) The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow smoothly, creating a structure that remains organized throughout the essay.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is creative, artful, and appropriate. The author reviews the characters and aspects of the two works in a clever manner, choosing words that strongly hold the reader’s interest. The author’s voice is clearly defined, and he/she has a strong sense of audience. (“Cordelia had been asked to tell Lear how much she loved him, but she said that she couldn't love him fully because she would soon get married. For this reason, Lear got mad at her and banished her, but Kent begged Lear to reconsider his decision but got banished too. However, in the movie, "Ran", Saburo tells his father that what he is doing about diving his power into three is wrong. He then gets mad and banishes him form the kingdom, but his servant, Tango also told Hidetora that his choice was not the correct one and that he would banish the only son that that cared about him.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author maintains good control over conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. (“These two works of art, contain a second key event which is an exciting force. The exciting force can be defined as the event that starts the story and which can create the tragedy. In, "King Lear", the exciting force was when Cordelia and Kent (a loyal servant) are banished by Lear, just for speaking their minds.”) A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Do you know the worst thing about when film makers create movies out of books? The fact that they leave a lot of cool, interesting facts out of it. Or they just make the movie seem to short. Like in The Series of Unfortunate Events, first of all they combine the first three of the books into one movie, and then it made it seem like the time period they spent with each relative was short. Even though each relative was a whole book.

And then they added the ending to the first book, which would make it the ending to the third since they combined the three. But other key differences are when Klaus gets hit by Count Olaf, which is left out in the movie, and the grapling hook Violet makes to help save Sunny.

Well the story goes like this, three children are on walking on the beach when they get terrible news that their parents have died in a fire, making them orphans. Their names are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire. Violet is smart in inventions, Klaus reads a lot so he is smart knowledge wise, and Sunny is courageous. Since their parents have died they are assigned foster a foster parent, Count Olaf. but he has planned everyting so that he can get the Baudelaire fortune. But one thing leads to another and the kids have to move again. This is where the movie and book don't match up because in the book before they move from his house he tries to"marry" Violet, for the fortune of course. But yet in the movie he doesn't try to do this until after their third foster parent.

But the next foster parent does match the one in the book. Thier Uncle Monty, a scientist, les the kids stay with him and his jungle like home. He studies reptiles and such so he has a big collection of them at his house. But little do they know Count Olaf has disquised himself as a scientist to get close to Monty and all them. In the movie they leave the part out when he kids get suspicious of Olaf and try to bust him from a tattoo on his leg, but he had covered it with makeup. So Olaf ends up kiling Monty and getting the kids again, but it failed.

Next parent is going to be thier Aunt Josephine, a woman upsessed with grammar. She always corrects any grammar error anybody makes. She is also very cautious about anything dangerous due to the loss of her husband. So she doesn't cook, scared to touch doorknobs or even stand in between the doorways. When the kids first arrive she offers them soup, and it's a cool area so they are looking forward to nice warm soup, but when she sits them down and serves them she gives thme this other kind of cold soup good for a hot summer day. Just opposite of what they wanted and expected. The movie leaves this whole part out.

So as you could see movies based on books will almost always leave little or big things out of the picture. As I explained to you in the essay. So if you go see a movie on a book you have just read don't expect it to match up completely with the book.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The author maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does succeed in establi shing a comparison and analysis between their chosen book and film, but any information given is basic . (“Well the story goes like this, three children are on walking on the beach when they get terrible news that their parents have died in a fire, making them orphans. Their names are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire. Violet is smart in inventions, Klaus reads a lot so he is smart knowledge wise, and Sunny is courageous. Since their parents have died they are assigned foster a foster parent, Count Olaf. but he has planned everyting so that he can get the Baudelaire fortune.”) The writer also demonstrates a general use of examples from the text in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced using some specific evidence, including examples. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to adequately create a comparison of the story, characters, and differences and similarities between the two works. (“ And then they added the ending to the first book, which would make it the ending to the third since they combined the three. But other key differences are when Klaus gets hit by Count Olaf, which is left out in the movie, and the grapling hook Violet makes to help save Sunny.”)

Organization

In this essay, the writer’s comparison of the book and film is identified in the opening paragraph and supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent . (“Next parent is going to be thier Aunt Josephine, a woman upsessed with grammar. She always corrects any grammar error anybody makes. She is also very cautious about anything dangerous due to the loss of her husband. So she doesn't cook, scared to touch doorknobs or even stand in between the doorways.”) The structure of the essay remains generally organized with a noticeable introduction, conclusion, and minimal use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. The author creates an analysis of the overall story, characters, and their book and film versions in a general fashion, while using words that generally hold the reader’s interest. (“Thier Uncle Monty, a scientist, les the kids stay with him and his jungle like home. He studies reptiles and such so he has a big collection of them at his house. But little do they know Count Olaf has disquised himself as a scientist to get close to Monty and all them. In the movie they leave the part out when he kids get suspicious of Olaf and try to bust him from a tattoo on his leg, but he had covered it with makeup.”) The author demonstrates a basic control of voice and awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control of conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. (“So as you could see movies based on books will almost always leave little or big things out of the picture. As I explained to you in the essay. So if you go see a movie on a book you have just read don't expect it to match up completely with the book.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why does the writer in Animal Farm make the humans look worse then they seem? If the book was writien a long time ago why would the make seem so modern. I think that if the book meant something why should they have to make it modern?

In the movie "Animal Farm" the humans seem worse than in the book. The humans do not come back from a late might drink and say, "let the animals rot" as it was shown in the movie. Also Mr. Pilkington treats the animals bad, the other humans don't care.

They also made a mistake by trying to make the movie more modern then the book. For example the animals moved in the humans house, started to wear human clothes, and turn on the T.V and begun watching it. They also show that the animals where moving video equipment like a human would do. Which a animal could not carry it the way it was shown in the movie.

So at the end of the movie and after reading the book i learned that you can see different parts that you will not read in a story. So the best thing you should do is watch the movie and read the book to see the differences.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The author maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. (“Why does the writer in Animal Farm make the humans look worse then they seem? If the book was writien a long time ago why would the make seem so modern.”) The writer does attempt to compare the book and film he/she has selected, but the comparison is vague. The writer also demonstrates a brief use of direct quotations in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. (“ In the movie "Animal Farm" the humans seem worse than in the book. The humans do not come back from a late might drink and say, "let the animals rot" as it was shown in the movie. Also Mr. Pilkington treats the animals bad.”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The author’s use of quotations from the text is brief and makes unclear connections with the main idea of the essay. The writer does make an overall attempt to compare and analyze a literary work and its film counterpart, but that comparison lacks sufficient detail.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding a literary work and its film version is present but limited. The overall descriptive support within the opening, body, and conclusion is lacking. (“ So at the end of the movie and after reading the book i learned that you can see different parts that you will not read in a story. So the best thing you should do is watch the movie and read the book to see the differences.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent, and the author’s arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. The author compares the film and written versions of the story, characters, and main ideas in a basic manner, using generic, nondescriptive words. (“They also made a mistake by trying to make the movie more modern then the book. For example the animals moved in the humans house, started to wear human clothes, and turn on the T.V and begun watching it. They also show that the animals where moving video equipment like a human would do.”) The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control of conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. (“Which a animal could not carry it the way it was shown in the movie.”) Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

There have been many great books turned into movies. There has been The Lord of the Rings series. There has also been Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then there was also Cat in the Hat. Great books sometimes turn out to be great movies. Then there is also Holes the book made into the movie. In both stories there are many interesting characters. In the both stories there are also many interesting settings the characters go through. Then there are also differences in the both stories. The characters are interesting in the stories.

Throughout the story many interesting characters appear. The two main characters in both stories are named, Stanley or also called Cave Man and Hector or also called Zero. Then there is also the Warden. There are also others, like Armpit, X-Ray, Magnet, and more. Other characters that go through many things are Mr. Sir, and Mr.Pendanceky. These are all characters in both of the stories. There are many settings in the story. One of the settings was at Camp Green Lake , every day there was burning hot. You would never see the sun light. Another setting is at the homeless shelter, were Zero was living. Those are all the settings in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The author maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. (“There have been many great books turned into movies. There has been The Lord of the Rings series. There has also been Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then there was also Cat in the Hat. Great books sometimes turn out to be great movies. Then there is also Holes the book made into the movie.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. (“ Other characters that go through many things are Mr. Sir, and Mr.Pendanceky. These are all characters in both of the stories. There are many settings in the story. One of the settings was at Camp Green Lake , every day there was burning hot.”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The use of direct examples from the text is brief, and the author struggles to connect them with the main idea of the task. Any information given on the literary work and its film version is vague at best.

Organization

The organization of this essay can best be described as minimal. Clear division between the opening, body, and conclusion is lacking. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number and they do not support the writer’s argument. (“ One of the settings was at Camp Green Lake , every day there was burning hot. You would never see the sun light. Another setting is at the homeless shelter, were Zero was living. Those are all the settings in the story.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. (“There have been many great books turned into movies. There has been The Lord of the Rings series. There has also been Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then there was also Cat in the Hat.”) The author compares the two works in a minimal fashion, using nondescriptive language. The author displays little awareness of audience and voice, while committing basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of conventions and mechanics throughout the essay. (“Then there is also Holes the book made into the movie. In both stories there are many interesting characters. In the both stories there are also many interesting settings the characters go through. Then there are also differences in the both stories. The characters are interesting in the stories.”) Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone loves a good love story! Willam Shakespeare knew that when he wrote "ROMEO AND JULIET". Romeo and Juliet is about two young teenagers that fall in love against the wishes of her family members. The play ROMEO AND JULIET take you troughout some very hard emotions sad, happy, angry, depress, love, and hate. Even though the original play and the modern film have things very similar, they are also different.

Some of the similar that the play and the film has are they both take place in verona .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the author demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning. The author fails to establish any type of focus in regards to answering the main idea in the prompt. There is no form of consistent comparison between the literary work, its film version, or the characters. The writer uses no reference material or quotations from the text to create any kind of argument. (“Everyone loves a good love story! Willam Shakespeare knew that when he wrote "ROMEO AND JULIET". Romeo and Juliet is about two young teenagers that fall in love against the wishes of her family members.”)

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequately developed content. Descriptions and comparisons of the principal characters remain brief, unclear, and are developed in a way that does not fully address the main ideas of the text . (“ The play ROMEO AND JULIET take you troughout some very hard emotions sad, happy, angry, depress, love, and hate. Even though the original play and the modern film have things very similar, they are also different.”) Ideas are introduced using little to no specific or accurate evidence. Any reference to the text or film fails to connect with the main idea of the essay.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding a film and book review and comparison is partial. There is no structure within the argument, and there is also no visible introduction or conclusion. (“ Some of the similar that the play and the film has are they both take place in verona .”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are nonexistent.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner. There is no awareness of an audience and no use of voice. (“The play ROMEO AND JULIET take you troughout some very hard emotions sad, happy, angry, depress, love, and hate.”) There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control of conventions and mechanics throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message. (“Everyone loves a good love story! Willam Shakespeare knew that when he wrote "ROMEO AND JULIET".”)

Mercy or Murder

At the end of John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men , George shoots Lennie in the back of the head. George feels he has no alternative, and that if he doesn't kill Lennie, Carlson or Curley might. George also knows that if they don't find him and kill him, Lennie will definitely go to jail for killing Curley's wife. Do you think that George was justified in murdering Lennie?

In a well-developed essay, defend your position on whether or not George should have killed Lennie. Provide evidence from the text to support your reasoning.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Of Mice and Men

Sometimes, murder can be an expression of love. It may be hard to believe, but if death is the best possible option for someone, it can really save them. That is exactly what happened in the novel Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. In the novel, there are two men, George and Lennie. George and Lennie are living during the depression, traveling around, trying to secure jobs and earn money. Lennie is not smart, at all, and he cannot remember anything that happens to him. He has some quirks, as well. For example, he adores feeling soft things. George is smart and he tries his very best to keep Lennie out of trouble. This task proves to be much harder than expected. When Lennie gets himself into a huge amount of trouble for killing Curley's wife, others threaten him with the prospect of brutal murder or inhumane prison living for the rest of his life. At the end of the story, George killed Lennie. This provided Lennie with a painless escape from the two terrible options he was given. Ultimately, George killing Lennie was mercy; there was no better alternative.

If George had not killed Lennie, Curley would have killed him instead. This is much worse because Curley would have killed him out of spite and vindictiveness and would have wanted to cause Lennie as much pain as possible. When Curley finds out that Lennie had killed his wife, he says, "I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself..." When Curley says this, it is obvious that he plans to brutally kill Lennie. He and the other men from the ranch are going to hunt him down like an animal; their mindset merciless and relentless. George, on the other hand, only wants to save Lennie from an agonizing and vexatious death. George's actions are of fondness; his only concern was Lennie's eventual safety. He provided Lennie with a painless death, a much better alternative.

If Lennie ended up not getting callously murdered, Slim said that they may be able to provide a safer alternative for Lennie. This alleged safer place for Lennie was prison. In the novel, Slim says, "S'pose they lock him up an' strap him down and put him in a cage." while talking about the conditions in prison. George knew that Lennie would not live contently in prison. He would be unhappy, lonely, and uncared for. He would suffer greatly in prison. The only reason Lennie was able to make it in life as far as he did was that George was always there, looking out for him. Without George, Lennie could not survive, especially in the formidable depths of a prison cell. Allowing Lennie to live that way would be synonymous with his not living at all. Lennie being put to death, an easy painless death would be a much better opportunity than a long life filled with sorrow and anguish.

Lennie, while living, was a danger to himself and others. All his life, Lennie went through experiences where he hurt people and added trouble to their lives. He also hurt himself, meaning that, if George had not been around to take care of him, he would have been dead or, at the very minimum, seriously injured a long while ago. Lennie's life was full of trouble. It was the reason they had to leave Weed, the reason his puppy died, the reason Curley's wife died, and finally, the reason for his own early demise. There are countless quotes within the novel that prove Lennie's life was filled to the brim with dilemmas, predicaments, and tribulations. Whenever someone needed to point a finger, Lennie was the culprit. It was sad, but usually, Lennie really was the problem. George couldn’t constantly watch over Lennie, like a parent. So, when the time came that Lennie would be on his own, he would not have been able to protect himself, or anyone else, from the havoc he caused. So, while Lennie's murder was out of love, in a way, it was also like a sacrifice. George had to kill Lennie in order to save the others, including Lennie and himself. Conclusively, Lennie's extremely limited mental capacity, short attention span, and brute strength made him a menace to everyone.

Lennie's murderer was really his savior, not someone against him. George truly killed Lennie with protection, care, and love as his intentions. Lennie had no better options. Lennie's only other choices were to be pitilessly murdered or roughly thrown in prison. Not only were his other options horrendous, he was a threat to himself and others, always causing trouble. He made his life difficult, along with those around him. Throughout the novel, you can see that George really does care for Lennie and would never kill him with malicious intent. George loved Lennie like a brother, no matter the obstacles that Lennie caused in their life together. George killing Lennie was mercy, not murder.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides very effective focus and meaning. An in-depth analysis of the text is established, and the writer makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer provides insights into the significance of events happening in the story to justify his/her support for George’s actions at the end. (“When Curley finds out that Lennie had killed his wife, he says, ‘I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself...’ When Curley says this, it is obvious that he plans to brutally kill Lennie. He and the other men from the ranch are going to hunt him down like an animal; their mindset merciless and relentless. George, on the other hand, only wants to save Lennie from an agonizing and vexatious death. George's actions are of fondness; his only concern was Lennie's eventual safety. He provided Lennie with a painless death, a much better alternative.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“When Lennie gets himself into a huge amount of trouble for killing Curley's wife, others threaten him with the prospect of brutal murder or inhumane prison living for the rest of his life. At the end of the story, George killed Lennie. This provided Lennie with a painless escape from the two terrible options he was given. Ultimately, George killing Lennie was mercy; there was no better alternative.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Lennie's murderer was really his savior, not someone against him. George truly killed Lennie with protection, care, and love as his intentions. Lennie had no better options. Lennie's only other choices were to be pitilessly murdered or roughly thrown in prison. Not only were his other options horrendous, he was a threat to himself and others, always causing trouble. He made his life difficult, along with those around him. Throughout the novel, you can see that George really does care for Lennie and would never kill him with malicious intent. George loved Lennie like a brother, no matter the obstacles that Lennie caused in their life together. George killing Lennie was mercy, not murder.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story. (“When Curley finds out that Lennie had killed his wife, he says, ‘I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself...’ When Curley says this, it is obvious that he plans to brutally kill Lennie. He and the other men from the ranch are going to hunt him down like an animal; their mindset merciless and relentless. George, on the other hand, only wants to save Lennie from an agonizing and vexatious death. George's actions are of fondness; his only concern was Lennie's eventual safety. He provided Lennie with a painless death, a much better alternative.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“ If Lennie ended up not getting callously murdered, Slim said that they may be able to provide a safer alternative for Lennie. This alleged safer place for Lennie was prison. In the novel, Slim says, ‘S'pose they lock him up an' strap him down and put him in a cage.’ while talking about the conditions in prison. George knew that Lennie would not live contently in prison. He would be unhappy, lonely, and uncared for. He would suffer greatly in prison. The only reason Lennie was able to make it in life as far as he did was that George was always there, looking out for him. Without George, Lennie could not survive, especially in the formidable depths of a prison cell. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ If George had not killed Lennie, Curley would have killed him instead. This is much worse because Curley would have killed him out of spite and vindictiveness and would have wanted to cause Lennie as much pain as possible. When Curley finds out that Lennie had killed his wife, he says, ‘I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself...’ When Curley says this, it is obvious that he plans to brutally kill Lennie. He and the other men from the ranch are going to hunt him down like an animal; their mindset merciless and relentless. ”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, and there is effective use of transitional devices throughout the essay.

With one startling sentence, the writer captures the readers’ attention and entices them to continue reading. (“ Sometimes, murder can be an expression of love. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ If Lennie ended up not getting callously murdered, Slim said that they may be able to provide a safer alternative for Lennie. This alleged safer place for Lennie was prison. In the novel, Slim says, ‘S'pose they lock him up an' strap him down and put him in a cage.’ while talking about the conditions in prison. George knew that Lennie would not live contently in prison. He would be unhappy, lonely, and uncared for. He would suffer greatly in prison. The only reason Lennie was able to make it in life as far as he did was that George was always there, looking out for him. Without George, Lennie could not survive, especially in the formidable depths of a prison cell.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Lennie's murderer was really his savior, not someone against him. George truly killed Lennie with protection, care, and love as his intentions. Lennie had no better options. Lennie's only other choices were to be pitilessly murdered or roughly thrown in prison. Not only were his other options horrendous, he was a threat to himself and others, always causing trouble. He made his life difficult, along with those around him. Throughout the novel, you can see that George really does care for Lennie and would never kill him with malicious intent. George loved Lennie like a brother, no matter the obstacles that Lennie caused in their life together. George killing Lennie was mercy, not murder.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores the rationale behind George’s decision to end Lennie’s life with fairness and understanding. (“ George knew that Lennie would not live contently in prison. He would be unhappy, lonely, and uncared for. He would suffer greatly in prison. The only reason Lennie was able to make it in life as far as he did was that George was always there, looking out for him. Without George, Lennie could not survive, especially in the formidable depths of a prison cell. Allowing Lennie to live that way would be synonymous with his not living at all. Lennie being put to death, an easy painless death would be a much better opportunity than a long life filled with sorrow and anguish.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the troubles Lennie finds himself in, so that by the end of the response, the readers understand why George’s decision seemed to be for the best. (“ Lennie's life was full of trouble. It was the reason they had to leave Weed, the reason his puppy died, the reason Curley's wife died, and finally, the reason for his own early demise… George couldn’t constantly watch over Lennie, like a parent. So, when the time came that Lennie would be on his own, he would not have been able to protect himself, or anyone else, from the havoc he caused. So, while Lennie's murder was out of love, in a way, it was also like a sacrifice.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ Lennie's murderer was really his savior, not someone against him. George truly killed Lennie with protection, care, and love as his intentions. Lennie had no better options. Lennie's only other choices were to be pitilessly murdered or roughly thrown in prison. Not only were his other options horrendous, he was a threat to himself and others, always causing trouble. He made his life difficult, along with those around him. Throughout the novel, you can see that George really does care for Lennie and would never kill him with malicious intent. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ When Lennie gets himself into a huge amount of trouble for killing Curley's wife, others threaten him with the prospect of brutal murder or inhumane prison living for the rest of his life. At the end of the story, George killed Lennie. This provided Lennie with a painless escape from the two terrible options he was given. Ultimately, George killing Lennie was mercy; there was no better alternative.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The novella, Of Mice and Men, is about two men who go on a journey through friendship, tragedy and hardships. One of them is mentally handicapped and big, Lennie, while the other, George is a quick-witted small man. They both have two things in common though, they both want a farm that they can live on their own, and tend rabbits. Throughout the novel, the two try to get jobs while the Great Depression is in progress. They end up at a farm with a flirtatious wife, a hot-tempered man, and an old guy. One thing Lennie has been doing is killing soft things he likes to pet. While in the barn, the wife comes in and talks to Lennie. The situation goes downhill when Lennie snaps her neck, accidentally. He runs from the farm and George finally meets up with him. While telling Lennie about the farm, George does what no friend should do; he kills him. George undoubtedly murdered Lennie, and didn't have the right to shoot him for the reasons that Lennie didn't know better by killing the wife, he could have gone to prison, and George isn't the right person to decide Lennie's fate.

At the beginning of the story, it's obvious to know that Lennie is mentally retarded. Even though no human being should kill another, he clearly doesn't know better. "Let's have different colored rabbits, George!" (Page 16) The wife was provoking him in the barn house, "She moved closer to him and she spoke soothingly." (Page 86), and Lennie didn't know what to do as the neck was starting to snap. Additionally, in many countries, it's against the law to execute a mentally handicapped person. So basically, Lennie should have been made aware of the ramifications of what he did, but not have any punishment besides prison.

Being killed or going to prison is a pretty obvious choice. "I just done it" (Page 107) But Lennie only should have had the choice to go to prison. No person who has a problem with his or her brain should ever be executed. It is even a law in the United States that any person with a mentally retarded problem that has committed a crime will never be executed. After George chases down Lennie, he should have turned Lennie into the police because without a doubt, the authorities should know what he did. Lennie, while in prison, might still have the chance to talk to George about what he did. Eventually, Lennie might be able to get out of the slammer because of his mental troubles. "Red and blue and green rabbits, George. Millions of 'em."(Page 16)

Although George was one of Lennie's best friends, he doesn't have the right to decide if Lennie should die or live. If there was a chance Lennie could have been executed, only court would have the authority to decide his consequences. Right before George was going to shoot Lennie, "…his hands shook violently, but his face set and his hand steadied.” (Page 106) He might have had the chance to talk to him about the incident he did, and see what Lennie thinks about it. Though Lennie might not want to go to jail, he would still know the extent of what he did. Plus, it is obvious that Lennie didn't have any intention of killing Curley’s wife. "Oh that's nice" (Page 91) This fact might have prevented him from having serious consequences.

It is clear by the start of the book that Lennie has problems, and whatever he does wrong, this "excuse" has always backed him up. When he commits murder, there is no doubt that it was by mistake, given he is mentally retarded. George doesn't understand what happened in the barn, so that's why he comes to the conclusion that he had to murder Lennie. George undoubtedly murdered Lennie, and didn't have the right to shoot him; Lennie didn't know any better, he could have gone to prison as an alternative, and George isn't the right person to decide Lennie's fate. It is obvious to see that George murdered Lennie in cold blood.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer argues that George’s decision to shoot Lennie was wrong and supports the assertion throughout the essay. (“ Throughout the novel, the two try to get jobs while the Great Depression is in progress. They end up at a farm with a flirtatious wife, a hot-tempered man, and an old guy. One thing Lennie has been doing is killing soft things he likes to pet. While in the barn, the wife comes in and talks to Lennie. The situation goes downhill when Lennie snaps her neck, accidentally. He runs from the farm and George finally meets up with him. While telling Lennie about the farm, George does what no friend should do; he kills him. George undoubtedly murdered Lennie, and didn't have the right to shoot him for the reasons that Lennie didn't know better by killing the wife, he could have gone to prison, and George isn't the right person to decide Lennie's fate. ”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“ At the beginning of the story, it's obvious to know that Lennie is mentally retarded. Even though no human being should kill another, he clearly doesn't know better. ‘Let's have different colored rabbits, George!’ (Page 16) The wife was provoking him in the barn house, ‘She moved closer to him and she spoke soothingly.’ (Page 86), and Lennie didn't know what to do as the neck was starting to snap. Additionally, in many countries, it's against the law to execute a mentally handicapped person. So basically, Lennie should have been made aware of the ramifications of what he did, but not have any punishment besides prison. ”)

The writer explores the other options that George could have chosen to bolster the argument against the taking of another life. (“ Although George was one of Lennie's best friends, he doesn't have the right to decide if Lennie should die or live. If there was a chance Lennie could have been executed, only court would have the authority to decide his consequences. Right before George was going to shoot Lennie, ‘…his hands shook violently, but his face set and his hand steadied.’ (Page 106) He might have had the chance to talk to him about the incident he did, and see what Lennie thinks about it. Though Lennie might not want to go to jail, he would still know the extent of what he did. Plus, it is obvious that Lennie didn't have any intention of killing Curley’s wife. ‘Oh that's nice’ (Page 91) This fact might have prevented him from having serious consequences. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Although George was one of Lennie's best friends, he doesn't have the right to decide if Lennie should die or live. If there was a chance Lennie could have been executed, only court would have the authority to decide his consequences. Right before George was going to shoot Lennie, ‘…his hands shook violently, but his face set and his hand steadied.’ (Page 106) He might have had the chance to talk to him about the incident he did, and see what Lennie thinks about it. Though Lennie might not want to go to jail, he would still know the extent of what he did.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“After George chases down Lennie, he should have turned Lennie into the police because without a doubt, the authorities should know what he did. Lennie, while in prison, might still have the chance to talk to George about what he did. Eventually, Lennie might be able to get out of the slammer because of his mental troubles. ‘Red and blue and green rabbits, George. Millions of 'em.’(Page 16) ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Being killed or going to prison is a pretty obvious choice. ‘I just done it’ (Page 107) But Lennie only should have had the choice to go to prison. No person who has a problem with his or her brain should ever be executed. It is even a law in the United States that any person with a mentally retarded problem that has committed a crime will never be executed. After George chases down Lennie, he should have turned Lennie into the police because without a doubt, the authorities should know what he did.”)

Organization

The introduction engages the readers by providing important background information. (“ The novella, Of Mice and Men, is about two men who go on a journey through friendship, tragedy and hardships. One of them is mentally handicapped and big, Lennie, while the other, George is a quick-witted small man. They both have two things in common though, they both want a farm that they can live on their own, and tend rabbits. Throughout the novel, the two try to get jobs while the Great Depression is in progress. They end up at a farm with a flirtatious wife, a hot-tempered man, and an old guy.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ At the beginning of the story, it's obvious to know that Lennie is mentally retarded. Even though no human being should kill another, he clearly doesn't know better. ‘Let's have different colored rabbits, George!’ (Page 16) The wife was provoking him in the barn house, ‘She moved closer to him and she spoke soothingly.’ (Page 86), and Lennie didn't know what to do as the neck was starting to snap. Additionally, in many countries, it's against the law to execute a mentally handicapped person. So basically, Lennie should have been made aware of the ramifications of what he did, but not have any punishment besides prison. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ It is clear by the start of the book that Lennie has problems, and whatever he does wrong, this ‘excuse’ has always backed him up. When he commits murder, there is no doubt that it was by mistake, given he is mentally retarded. George doesn't understand what happened in the barn, so that's why he comes to the conclusion that he had to murder Lennie. George undoubtedly murdered Lennie, and didn't have the right to shoot him; Lennie didn't know any better, he could have gone to prison as an alternative, and George isn't the right person to decide Lennie's fate. It is obvious to see that George murdered Lennie in cold blood. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay response. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Even though no human being should kill another, he clearly doesn't know better. ‘Let's have different colored rabbits, George!’ (Page 16) The wife was provoking him in the barn house, ‘She moved closer to him and she spoke soothingly.’ (Page 86), and Lennie didn't know what to do as the neck was starting to snap. Additionally, in many countries, it's against the law to execute a mentally handicapped person. So basically, Lennie should have been made aware of the ramifications of what he did, but not have any punishment besides prison. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ George doesn't understand what happened in the barn, so that's why he comes to the conclusion that he had to murder Lennie. George undoubtedly murdered Lennie, and didn't have the right to shoot him; Lennie didn't know any better, he could have gone to prison as an alternative, and George isn't the right person to decide Lennie's fate. It is obvious to see that George murdered Lennie in cold blood. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Being killed or going to prison is a pretty obvious choice. ‘I just done it’ (Page 107) But Lennie only should have had the choice to go to prison. No person who has a problem with his or her brain should ever be executed. It is even a law in the United States that any person with a mentally retarded problem that has committed a crime will never be executed. After George chases down Lennie, he should have turned Lennie into the police because without a doubt, the authorities should know what he did. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. (“ Throughout the novel, the two try to get jobs while the Great Depression is in progress. They end up at a farm with a flirtatious wife, a hot-tempered man, and an old guy. One thing Lennie has been doing is killing soft things he likes to pet. While in the barn, the wife comes in and talks to Lennie. The situation goes downhill when Lennie snaps her neck, accidentally. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"George raised the gun and steadied it, and he brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Lennie's head. He pulled the trigger. Lennie jarred, and then settled slowly forward to the sand and he lay without quivering."(106). In the book Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, George kills his best friend Lennie. Think about what that would take. Would you be considered strong, for ending his misery? Or would you be considered a coward, for taking the easy way out? He is right to do this, because if he won't, someone with no mercy is going to.

Since Lennie strangled Curley's wife, Curley wants to make sure Lennie has a slow and painful death. "'I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself.'"(98). This way Curley feels like he got his revenge on Lennie for destroying his life, and maybe it will make him feel better about his wife. George is just looking out for his best friend because he does not want him to die painfully. He finds Lennie and fills his head with good memories. He tries to give him lots of happy, peaceful thoughts that he can look forward to. The last things he talks about with him are that he is going to tend the rabbits and that they are going to get the farm. Then, he shoots Lennie in the head and he dies right away.

Lennie is always getting George into trouble. "'You do bad things and I got to get you out'"(11). Whenever George finds a job, Lennie always gets him fired. "'You can't keep a job and you lose me ever' job I get'"(11). They always have to leave town because Lennie does something bad, or because they need to find another job. Now that Lennie has killed Curley's wife, George thinks it is time to end all the troubles and have a stress free life. If he kills Lennie, he believes that can happen very easily. He thinks that everyone will be happier if Lennie is dead because he has mental problems and everyone thinks he's dumb and an annoyance.

After Carlson shoots Candy's dog, he wishes that he could have done it himself. He says to George, "'I ought to of shot that dog myself, George. I shouldn't ought to of let no stranger shoot my dog.'" When it is time to kill Lennie, George thinks of this and does not want to have to live with that regret. This makes him want to kill Lennie himself. George killing Lennie does seem like and cruel, because he would be killing his best friend even though he has not purposely done anything to harm anyone, but he would rather it be him to do it. He wants it to be quick and painless, rather than a stranger to do it and make it long and painful. George might also regret if he shot his best friend, but it is better than letting a mean, awful stranger like Curley kill him for his own twisted reasons.

George is definitely right to shoot Lennie. It is his decision as Lennie's guardian, and many people most likely would do the same thing. Not because they consider Lennie a bad person, but to protect him from the dangers others pose to him. It shows the value of friendship and that he'd go very far to protect his friend. Although he causes problems for George most of the time, they are still best friends and George puts him out of his misery.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer focuses on the monumental event when George shoots his best friend, Lennie, and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“George is just looking out for his best friend because he does not want him to die painfully. He finds Lennie and fills his head with good memories. He tries to give him lots of happy, peaceful thoughts that he can look forward to. The last things he talks about with him are that he is going to tend the rabbits and that they are going to get the farm. Then, he shoots Lennie in the head and he dies right away.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer provides rationale for George’s decision to take his best friend’s life. (“George killing Lennie does seem like and cruel, because he would be killing his best friend even though he has not purposely done anything to harm anyone, but he would rather it be him to do it. He wants it to be quick and painless, rather than a stranger to do it and make it long and painful. George might also regret if he shot his best friend, but it is better than letting a mean, awful stranger like Curley kill him for his own twisted reasons.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of informal language. The writer chooses to implement the use of dialogue to reveal different characters’ feelings, which is an effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“Since Lennie strangled Curley's wife, Curley wants to make sure Lennie has a slow and painful death. 'I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself.' (98). This way Curley feels like he got his revenge on Lennie for destroying his life, and maybe it will make him feel better about his wife. George is just looking out for his best friend because he does not want him to die painfully.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Lennie is always getting George into trouble. 'You do bad things and I got to get you out' (11). Whenever George finds a job, Lennie always gets him fired. 'You can't keep a job and you lose me ever' job I get' (11). They always have to leave town because Lennie does something bad, or because they need to find another job. Now that Lennie has killed Curley's wife, George thinks it is time to end all the troubles and have a stress free life.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“After Carlson shoots Candy's dog, he wishes that he could have done it himself. He says to George, 'I ought to of shot that dog myself, George. I shouldn't ought to of let no stranger shoot my dog.' When it is time to kill Lennie, George thinks of this and does not want to have to live with that regret. This makes him want to kill Lennie himself.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“George killing Lennie does seem like and cruel, because he would be killing his best friend even though he has not purposely done anything to harm anyone, but he would rather it be him to do it. He wants it to be quick and painless, rather than a stranger to do it and make it long and painful. George might also regret if he shot his best friend, but it is better than letting a mean, awful stranger like Curley kill him for his own twisted reasons.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is sufficient use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ ‘George raised the gun and steadied it, and he brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Lennie's head. He pulled the trigger. Lennie jarred, and then settled slowly forward to the sand and he lay without quivering.’(106). In the book Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, George kills his best friend Lennie. Think about what that would take. Would you be considered strong, for ending his misery? Or would you be considered a coward, for taking the easy way out? He is right to do this, because if he won't, someone with no mercy is going to.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Since Lennie strangled Curley's wife, Curley wants to make sure Lennie has a slow and painful death. 'I'm gonna shoot the guts outta that big bastard myself.' (98). This way Curley feels like he got his revenge on Lennie for destroying his life, and maybe it will make him feel better about his wife. George is just looking out for his best friend because he does not want him to die painfully.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ George is definitely right to shoot Lennie. It is his decision as Lennie's guardian, and many people most likely would do the same thing. Not because they consider Lennie a bad person, but to protect him from the dangers others pose to him. It shows the value of friendship and that he'd go very far to protect his friend. Although he causes problems for George most of the time, they are still best friends and George puts him out of his misery. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the response. The essay reflects appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ They always have to leave town because Lennie does something bad, or because they need to find another job. Now that Lennie has killed Curley's wife, George thinks it is time to end all the troubles and have a stress free life. If he kills Lennie, he believes that can happen very easily. He thinks that everyone will be happier if Lennie is dead because he has mental problems and everyone thinks he's dumb and an annoyance.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she explains the reasons why George was justified in killing his best friend. (“ George killing Lennie does seem like and cruel, because he would be killing his best friend even though he has not purposely done anything to harm anyone, but he would rather it be him to do it. He wants it to be quick and painless, rather than a stranger to do it and make it long and painful. George might also regret if he shot his best friend, but it is better than letting a mean, awful stranger like Curley kill him for his own twisted reasons. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ George is definitely right to shoot Lennie. It is his decision as Lennie's guardian, and many people most likely would do the same thing. Not because they consider Lennie a bad person, but to protect him from the dangers others pose to him. It shows the value of friendship and that he'd go very far to protect his friend.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also ensure that each new paragraph is indicated with a line break and that the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ George is just looking out for his best friend because he does not want him to die painfully. He finds Lennie and fills his head with good memories. He tries to give him lots of happy, peaceful thoughts that he can look forward to. The last things he talks about with him are that he is going to tend the rabbits and that they are going to get the farm. Then, he shoots Lennie in the head and he dies right away.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In John Steinbeck's novel Of Mice And Men, he is writting about how you can not have a happy ending with your dreams. Lennie and George had a dream but they were set up to fail, and then George snaps. He snaps beacuse Lennie was ruining everything. Even though George killed Lennie for a reason it is still murder.

Thoughout the story you see that Lennie has a desire to touch soft things. Lennie gets a mouse from his aunt he kept it in his pocket when it was dead just so he could feel it. The dog had pupies, and he kept petting them till the point he killed one of them. He was also obsessed with Curly's wifes red curly hair. Lennie wasn't vicious he just had a big desire to touch soft things.

Lennie hurts a lot of live beings because he couldn't control his strenght. He was very hazardous. First when George and Lennie are looking for jobs he killed the mouse from petting it to hard. Also kept it in his pocket. When the men were at the bar Curly was hitting Lennie in the face. Ater a while Lennie snaps, grabs Curly's fingers and breaks them. When all the men go to the girls house in town, he sneaks out, and goes to Crooks cabin. Crook took advantage of him by saying things about George.Crooks does this because he gets a chance to make someone feel the way he does. He keeps saying "what if George doesn't come back." Lennie then agian gets mad and traps Crooks in a corner and almost hurts him.

At the end of the story George and Lennie are down by the river, then bang. George killed him beacuse Lennie was ruining things for him. Every job they tried to get Lennie did something bad, then they both get fired. He doesn't listen to what the boss tells him. He also is to George leaves Lennie alone as he goes into town and he wonders off to Crooks cabin. Where hes not wanted. Lennie is so proud of their dream that he tells Crooks about. I can't believe that George would kill his best friend.

As i got to the end of the book I could see that this story wasn't a humdrum.I could also see why George killed Lennie but, it is still wasn't right.They were friends and stuck by each other no matter what. As the story proceeded it shows how he kills live beings. Even though it wasn't intentional for him to hurt things it happend. People do make mistakes, It's human. At the end George killed Lennie for a reason, but it was still homicide.I don't think it's right to kill someone. Let alone your best friend.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“Even though George killed Lennie for a reason it is still murder.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the trouble Lennie gets himself and George into, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of specific details and adequate chronology of events leading up to George’s decision renders the essay limited at best. (“At the end of the story George and Lennie are down by the river, then bang. George killed him beacuse Lennie was ruining things for him. Every job they tried to get Lennie did something bad, then they both get fired.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“I could also see why George killed Lennie but, it is still wasn't right.They were friends and stuck by each other no matter what. As the story proceeded it shows how he kills live beings. Even though it wasn't intentional for him to hurt things it happend. People do make mistakes, It's human. At the end George killed Lennie for a reason, but it was still homicide.I don't think it's right to kill someone.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. (“At the end of the story George and Lennie are down by the river, then bang. George killed him beacuse Lennie was ruining things for him. Every job they tried to get Lennie did something bad, then they both get fired. He doesn't listen to what the boss tells him. He also is to George leaves Lennie alone as he goes into town and he wonders off to Crooks cabin. Where hes not wanted. Lennie is so proud of their dream that he tells Crooks about. I can't believe that George would kill his best friend.”)

The essay includes limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Thoughout the story you see that Lennie has a desire to touch soft things. Lennie gets a mouse from his aunt he kept it in his pocket when it was dead just so he could feel it. The dog had pupies, and he kept petting them till the point he killed one of them. He was also obsessed with Curly's wifes red curly hair. Lennie wasn't vicious he just had a big desire to touch soft things.”)

The writer retells portions of the story without making connections to the difficult and controversial decision George makes at the end of the novel. (“When the men were at the bar Curly was hitting Lennie in the face. Ater a while Lennie snaps, grabs Curly's fingers and breaks them. When all the men go to the girls house in town, he sneaks out, and goes to Crooks cabin. Crook took advantage of him by saying things about George.Crooks does this because he gets a chance to make someone feel the way he does. He keeps saying ‘what if George doesn't come back.’ Lennie then agian gets mad and traps Crooks in a corner and almost hurts him.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure (but with an uncertain introduction and conclusion), a lack of effective paragraphing, and limited use of transitional devices.

The essay’s introduction does not engage readers in a way that would entice them to continue reading. (“ In John Steinbeck's novel Of Mice And Men, he is writting about how you can not have a happy ending with your dreams. Lennie and George had a dream but they were set up to fail, and then George snaps. He snaps beacuse Lennie was ruining everything. Even though George killed Lennie for a reason it is still murder. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Thoughout the story you see that Lennie has a desire to touch soft things. Lennie gets a mouse from his aunt he kept it in his pocket when it was dead just so he could feel it. The dog had pupies, and he kept petting them till the point he killed one of them. He was also obsessed with Curly's wifes red curly hair. Lennie wasn't vicious he just had a big desire to touch soft things. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion manages to reiterate the writer’s position in a limited way. (“ As i got to the end of the book I could see that this story wasn't a humdrum.I could also see why George killed Lennie but, it is still wasn't right.They were friends and stuck by each other no matter what. As the story proceeded it shows how he kills live beings. Even though it wasn't intentional for him to hurt things it happend. People do make mistakes, It's human. At the end George killed Lennie for a reason, but it was still homicide.I don't think it's right to kill someone. Let alone your best friend. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style in the response. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are short, choppy sentences in portions of the essay. (“ He doesn't listen to what the boss tells him. He also is to George leaves Lennie alone as he goes into town and he wonders off to Crooks cabin. Where hes not wanted. Lennie is so proud of their dream that he tells Crooks about. I can't believe that George would kill his best friend. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the difficult choice George had to make at the end of the story. (“ I could also see why George killed Lennie but, it is still wasn't right.They were friends and stuck by each other no matter what. As the story proceeded it shows how he kills live beings. Even though it wasn't intentional for him to hurt things it happend. People do make mistakes, It's human. At the end George killed Lennie for a reason, but it was still homicide.I don't think it's right to kill someone. Let alone your best friend. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ He was very hazardous. First when George and Lennie are looking for jobs he killed the mouse from petting it to hard. Also kept it in his pocket.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), and each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words should be checked. (“ Thoughout the story you see that Lennie has a desire to touch soft things. Lennie gets a mouse from his aunt he kept it in his pocket when it was dead just so he could feel it. The dog had pupies, and he kept petting them till the point he killed one of them. He was also obsessed with Curly's wifes red curly hair. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that George did the right thing of killing Lennie, because if he never kill Lennie then Curley would end up killing him or he would go to jail for killing Curley's wife. George thinks that if Lennie was to go to jail he would end up getting killed there so he didn't want that to happen so he did it himself. Another thing is that Lennie would have to move and get out that town which George didn't want because he was tired of moving all over. George did what's best for Lennie rather then just letting Lennie deal with it and suffering. So at least when Lennie died it was fast and he was happy.

George was shocked when he found out that Lennie killed Curley's wife. Although Lennie never meant to hurt her its just when he's mad he does those things to people and Lennie is really strong. Lennie is an adult with a little kid mind and he doesn't know his own strength. Even though George will feel guilty for what he done because George and Lennie where really close and George had Lennie's back.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides minimal focus and meaning in the essay. A controlling idea is suggested, but the writer demonstrates little understanding of the purpose of the writing task and the intended audience. Therefore, the essay satisfies few components of the task.

The essay does little to state a compelling central/controlling idea that would carry the essay to a logical conclusion. The writer mentions his/her opinion that George did the right thing in killing Lennie; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“I think that George did the right thing of killing Lennie, because if he never kill Lennie then Curley would end up killing him or he would go to jail for killing Curley's wife.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand his/her rationale for the assertion that George was justified in killing Lennie. (“George was shocked when he found out that Lennie killed Curley's wife. Although Lennie never meant to hurt her its just when he's mad he does those things to people and Lennie is really strong. Lennie is an adult with a little kid mind and he doesn't know his own strength.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples that support his/her ideas. (“ Another thing is that Lennie would have to move and get out that town which George didn't want because he was tired of moving all over.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connects the prompt task to the text. The writer attempts to address the question of George’s right to take Lennie’s life, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“George did what's best for Lennie rather then just letting Lennie deal with it and suffering. So at least when Lennie died it was fast and he was happy.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“George was shocked when he found out that Lennie killed Curley's wife. Although Lennie never meant to hurt her its just when he's mad he does those things to people and Lennie is really strong.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“George thinks that if Lennie was to go to jail he would end up getting killed there so he didn't want that to happen so he did it himself. Another thing is that Lennie would have to move and get out that town which George didn't want because he was tired of moving all over. George did what's best for Lennie rather then just letting Lennie deal with it and suffering. So at least when Lennie died it was fast and he was happy.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think that George did the right thing of killing Lennie, because if he never kill Lennie then Curley would end up killing him or he would go to jail for killing Curley's wife.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the essay response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“George thinks that if Lennie was to go to jail he would end up getting killed there so he didn't want that to happen so he did it himself. Another thing is that Lennie would have to move and get out that town which George didn't want because he was tired of moving all over.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Even though George will feel guilty for what he done because George and Lennie where really close and George had Lennie's back. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ Even though George will feel guilty for what he done because George and Lennie where really close and George had Lennie's back.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many sentences. (“ I think that George did the right thing of killing Lennie, because if he never kill Lennie then Curley would end up killing him or he would go to jail for killing Curley's wife.”)

There is repetition. (“ Another thing is that Lennie would have to move and get out that town which George didn't want because he was tired of moving all over.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When George killed Lennie my opinion is that i think that George justified when he shot Lennie. I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail. Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment. But if George didnt kill him he would get a way and Lennie would continue to get in too trouble.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning throughout the response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea that can carry the response to a logical conclusion. The writer’s ideas are unfocused and unorganized. (“I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail. Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail.”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the prompt task to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to defend George’s actions in the story but does not develop the ideas in any way. (“But if George didnt kill him he would get a way and Lennie would continue to get in too trouble.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“When George killed Lennie my opinion is that i think that George justified when he shot Lennie. I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail. Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment. But if George didnt kill him he would get a way and Lennie would continue to get in too trouble.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, and there is no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, he/she does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not compel the intended audience to continue reading. (“ When George killed Lennie my opinion is that i think that George justified when he shot Lennie.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail. Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ But if George didnt kill him he would get a way and Lennie would continue to get in too trouble.”)

Language Use & Style

Simple word choices and choppy, repetitive sentences detract from the communication of the writer’s message. (“ I think that because if he didnt shoot Lennie himself, Curley and his friends would have got too him and would either kill him or throw him in jail. Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ When George killed Lennie my opinion is that i think that George justified when he shot Lennie.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Atleast when George killed Lennie, Lennie was happy and in a special moment. But if George didnt kill him he would get a way and Lennie would continue to get in too trouble.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Mood in Edgar Allan Poe Stories and Poems

Edgar Allan Poe is a master at creating a distinguishing mood in his stories and poems. In "The Raven" and such stories as "The Cask of Amontillado," "The Masque of the Red Death," "The Pit and the Pendulum," and "The Tell-Tale Heart," Poe creates a very distinctive and effective atmosphere. Select one of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories or poems and analyze how the author was able to create a particular mood in his stories and what effect it has on the reader. Remember to include the various techniques Poe used such as setting, imagery, tone, and suspense.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The author of various pieces of literature, Edgar Allen Poe possesses a distinct writing style that captures readers and appeals to their thoughts and emotions. Poe has written many prestigious mysteries as well as horror stories. Using his techniques, Poe is able to surround a reader with the dark and obscure aura in his works creating a unique mood. Poe's talent can be seen in his poem, The Raven.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering , fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before; but the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token...". In one sentence a reader is able to sense the dread and fear that lies within the narrator. Poe's works are written in a very ominous tones, and The Raven is no exception. The poem is naturally dreadful as it tells of a late night experience with an unanticipated visitor. The narrator is disturbed by a faint tapping at his chamber door, while he reads late into the December night. After answer the calls and finding no one, the reader filled with fantastic fears as his ordinary surroundings suddenly becomes more lively. A second, but louder call is heard from the chamber door, and when the narrator answers to find a single raven. Answering "nevermore" the raven stimulates the narrator to remember his lost love "Lenore", and is driven mad attempting to perceive if his future will have part with her soul. Poe's literary skills entomb in writing, ideas that could very well be the thoughts and feelings of a person's heart.

Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. The dreary night, the gentle rappings, rustling curtains, dying embers, and darkness are all interwoven to create a tapestry of obscurity and grimness. The tone of the poem is very suspenseful as the narrator uses descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts to explain the emotions that he feels at the moment. Within the gloomy atmosphere the narrator describes his feelings, such as how his heart begins to beat in terror. All these factors are each dominantly vivid and relates to how a person would really feel under similar circumstances. As the tale progresses deeper and deeper to the climax, the language follows it, complementing its impact. "Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken-quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!" Poe's writing style is a combination of a natural darkness with beautifully descriptive language that completes a meaningful tale.

Without the ingenuity found in Poe's style of writing, literary pieces such as The Raven would not contain the impact that they have the potential to contain. A story about a heartbroken man's eerie encounter with an unanticipated visitor is in itself terrifying. If the words with which it is written do not convey the powerful emotions and mentality behind the story, then the story in itself is useless. The internal rhyming and alliterations provide a continuous flow in the poem, the descriptive settings captures the reader in the seriousness of the story, the narrator's tone provides an insight into his thoughts and emotions, and the combination of the words and the plight of the narrator release a floodgate of feelings in the reader. The techniques that Poe uses are individually unique and ties Poe's idea with a literary masterpiece to create Poe's idea in a literary masterpiece. The poem would not draw attention or be able to relate to the true reactions and thought process of the reader if it were not supplemented with the literary techniques.

Poe is a most adept literary master, and his writings individually possess pieces of his mind. The reason that they are still enjoyed by readers today is that that they are well composed with excellent literary techniques. They make it possible for an idea derived from true thoughts and emotions to be conveyed through literature and set the mood of his pieces. The works of Edgar Allen Poe will continue to convey his thoughts and emotions, and will continue to be enjoyed by people forevermore.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The essay establishes an in-depth analysis of the text, “The Raven,” by Edgar Allan Poe, and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through the central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Without the ingenuity found in Poe's style of writing, literary pieces such as The Raven would not contain the impact that it has the potential to contain. A story about a heartbroken man's eerie encounter with an unanticipated visitor is in itself terrifying. If the words with which it is written do not convey the powerful emotions and mentality behind the story, then the story in itself is useless. The internal rhyming and alliterations provide a continuous flow in the poem, the descriptive settings captures the reader in the seriousness of the story, the narrator's tone provides an insight into his thoughts and emotions, and the combination of the words and the plight of the narrator release a floodgate of feelings in the reader. The techniques that Poe uses are individually unique and ties Poe's idea with a literary masterpiece to create Poe's idea in a literary masterpiece. The poem would not draw attention or be able to relate to the true reactions and thought process of the reader if it were not supplemented with the literary techniques.”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. The dreary night, the gentle rappings, rustling curtains, dying embers, and darkness are all interwoven to create a tapestry of obscurity and grimness. The tone of the poem is very suspenseful as the narrator uses descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts to explain the emotions that he feels at the moment. Within the gloomy atmosphere the narrator describes his feelings, such as how his heart begins to beat in terror. All these factors are each dominantly vivid and relates to how a person would really feel under similar circumstances. As the tale progresses deeper and deeper to the climax, the language follows it, complementing its impact. ‘Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken-quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’ Poe's writing style is a combination of a natural darkness with beautifully descriptive language that completes a meaningful tale.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea very effectively. (“ ‘Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering , fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before; but the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token...’. In one sentence a reader is able to sense the dread and fear that lies within the narrator. Poe's works are written in a very ominous tones, and The Raven is no exception. The poem is naturally dreadful as it tells of a late night experience with an unanticipated visitor. The narrator is disturbed by a faint tapping at his chamber door, while he reads late into the December night. After answer the calls and finding no one, the reader filled with fantastic fears as his ordinary surroundings suddenly becomes more lively.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text, such as alliteration, rhyme, and imagery.

The essay very effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. The dreary night, the gentle rappings, rustling curtains, dying embers, and darkness are all interwoven to create a tapestry of obscurity and grimness. The tone of the poem is very suspenseful as the narrator uses descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts to explain the emotions that he feels at the moment.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the text. (“‘Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering , fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before; but the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token...’. In one sentence a reader is able to sense the dread and fear that lies within the narrator. Poe's works are written in a very ominous tones, and The Raven is no exception.”)

The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“As the tale progresses deeper and deeper to the climax, the language follows it, complementing its impact. ‘Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken-quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’ Poe's writing style is a combination of a natural darkness with beautifully descriptive language that completes a meaningful tale.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. The dreary night, the gentle rappings, rustling curtains, dying embers, and darkness are all interwoven to create a tapestry of obscurity and grimness. The tone of the poem is very suspenseful as the narrator uses descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts to explain the emotions that he feels at the moment. Within the gloomy atmosphere the narrator describes his feelings, such as how his heart begins to beat in terror. All these factors are each dominantly vivid and relates to how a person would really feel under similar circumstances.”)

Organization

This essay shows evidence of very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ The author of various pieces of literature, Edgar Allen Poe possesses a distinct writing style that captures readers and appeals to their thoughts and emotions. Poe has written many prestigious mysteries as well as horror stories. Using his techniques, Poe is able to surround a reader with the dark and obscure aura in his works creating a unique mood. Poe's talent can be seen in his poem, The Raven.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ Poe is a most adept literary master, and his writings individually possess pieces of his mind. The reason that they are still enjoyed by readers today is that that they are well composed with excellent literary techniques. They make it possible for an idea derived from true thoughts and emotions to be conveyed through literature and set the mood of his pieces. The works of Edgar Allen Poe will continue to convey his thoughts and emotions, and will continue to be enjoyed by people forevermore.”)

The introduction and conclusion are very effectively connected through the writer’s references to Poe’s works. (“ The author of various pieces of literature, Edgar Allen Poe possesses a distinct writing style that captures readers and appeals to their thoughts and emotions. Poe has written many prestigious mysteries as well as horror stories. Using his techniques, Poe is able to surround a reader with the dark and obscure aura in his works creating a unique mood. Poe's talent can be seen in his poem, The Raven. … Poe is a most adept literary master, and his writings individually possess pieces of his mind. The reason that they are still enjoyed by readers today is that that they are well composed with excellent literary techniques. They make it possible for an idea derived from true thoughts and emotions to be conveyed through literature and set the mood of his pieces. The works of Edgar Allen Poe will continue to convey his thoughts and emotions, and will continue to be enjoyed by people forevermore.”)

Details, words, or phrases in the introduction and conclusion very effectively engage the readers’ interests. (“ The author of various pieces of literature, Edgar Allen Poe possesses a distinct writing style that captures readers and appeals to their thoughts and emotions. Poe has written many prestigious mysteries as well as horror stories. Using his techniques, Poe is able to surround a reader with the dark and obscure aura in his works creating a unique mood. Poe's talent can be seen in his poem, The Raven. … Poe is a most adept literary master, and his writings individually possess pieces of his mind. The reason that they are still enjoyed by readers today is that that they are well composed with excellent literary techniques. They make it possible for an idea derived from true thoughts and emotions to be conveyed through literature and set the mood of his pieces. The works of Edgar Allen Poe will continue to convey his thoughts and emotions, and will continue to be enjoyed by people forevermore.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are demonstrated in this essay, which features precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. … Without the ingenuity found in Poe's style of writing, literary pieces such as The Raven would not contain the impact that they have the potential to contain. A story about a heartbroken man's eerie encounter with an unanticipated visitor is in itself terrifying. If the words with which it is written do not convey the powerful emotions and mentality behind the story, then the story in itself is useless.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem. All throughout the poem internal rhyming and alliterations are used to maintain a constant flow as the reader comprehends the words. The setting, imagery, and tone are all written using descriptive language that enhances the meanings that are being conveyed. The dreary night, the gentle rappings, rustling curtains, dying embers, and darkness are all interwoven to create a tapestry of obscurity and grimness. The tone of the poem is very suspenseful as the narrator uses descriptions of his surroundings and thoughts to explain the emotions that he feels at the moment. Within the gloomy atmosphere the narrator describes his feelings, such as how his heart begins to beat in terror. All these factors are each dominantly vivid and relates to how a person would really feel under similar circumstances. … Without the ingenuity found in Poe's style of writing, literary pieces such as The Raven would not contain the impact that they have the potential to contain. A story about a heartbroken man's eerie encounter with an unanticipated visitor is in itself terrifying. If the words with which it is written do not convey the powerful emotions and mentality behind the story, then the story in itself is useless. The internal rhyming and alliterations provide a continuous flow in the poem, the descriptive settings captures the reader in the seriousness of the story, the narrator's tone provides an insight into his thoughts and emotions, and the combination of the words and the plight of the narrator release a floodgate of feelings in the reader. The techniques that Poe uses are individually unique and ties Poe's idea with a literary masterpiece to create Poe's idea in a literary masterpiece.”)

The complex sentence, “ The author of various pieces of literature, Edgar Allen Poe possesses a distinct writing style that captures readers and appeals to their thoughts and emotions,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay exhibits very effective control of mechanics and conventions; there are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Various techniques complete the process of changing an ordinary account to a brilliant poem.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ The narrator is disturbed by a faint tapping at his chamber door, while he reads late into the December night.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Poe is a most adept literary master, and his writings individually possess pieces of his mind.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best writers at creating a very interesting mood in his poems and stories. He uses various techniques to change the mood throughout the poem and really wants the readers to think about what they have read. Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace.

Poe uses a great deal of imagery to create the changing mood from happiness to depression. Poe starts out making the reader feel happy and protected by saying, In the greenest of our valleys/ By good angles tenanted (1-2). The reader can picture a green valley and feel protected because of the good angels that are there. Poe starts the poem happy so the reader will feel comfortable and continue reading the poem. After Poe makes everything feel happy and calm he says, But evil things, in robes of sorrow, / Assailed the monarch s high estate (33-34). After reading that part, things end up feeling scared and sad, because this once amazing palace is taken over by evil. In addition, Poe makes his readers change their tone about the poem just by giving a different description of this palace. The changing imagery in Poe s poem also ends up changing the mood.

Poe also creates a changing setting in, The Haunted Palace, so that the reader s tone changes. Poe then again starts the poem with a palace in a nice green valley, and then changes the setting to the same palace that is filled with evil and sorrow. Poe makes the setting scary and depressed so that his reader s tone also changes for the worst. After Poe changes the poem s mood to sad, he never brings it back to happy and he ends up leaving the reader s mood sad and depressed. In the very end of the poem the entire palace seems almost pointless because Poe says, And travelers, now, within that valley. Now that there are travelers, that makes it seem like the great palace is just a tourist site. So, throughout the poem, Poe changes the mood from happy to depressed and makes the reader thinking that the palace is nothing. Poe is one of the masters at using a changing description of the setting to change the reader s mood drastically.

Poe s use of tone definitely helps the reader s change their mood through the course of the poem. Poe gets the readers tone to be happy right away by giving the description of the beautiful palace with glorious banners. By using a beautiful description of the palace the readers think there is happiness and safety, but they are also confused because the name of the title is depressing. Poe wants the readers tone to be happy in the beginning so that the reader would continue reading. Poe, then just like with the setting and imagery, changes the tone by talking about the evil in the palace. When the evil things end up taking over, the reader s tone of the ends up becoming sad and depressed. One technique Poe ends up using is, the reader can tell the tone of the poem just by reading the title of the poem because its slightly depressing. Poe s great use of tone affects the mood very greatly.

Poe has used many great techniques to help change the reader s mood from happy to depressed throughout, The Haunted Palace. Poe s uses of his techniques are very similar with all his works and he mainly focuses on the mood to be sad and depressing. Poe is one of the few authors to use that mood in most of his poems successfully.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. It establishes a thorough analysis of the poem, Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Haunted Palace,” and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through the central idea.

The essay’s response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt, which asks how Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression in his poems. (“ Poe has used many great techniques to help change the reader s mood from happy to depressed throughout, The Haunted Palace. Poe s uses of his techniques are very similar with all his works and he mainly focuses on the mood to be sad and depressing. Poe is one of the few authors to use that mood in most of his poems successfully.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Poe also creates a changing setting in, The Haunted Palace, so that the reader s tone changes. Poe then again starts the poem with a palace in a nice green valley, and then changes the setting to the same palace that is filled with evil and sorrow. Poe makes the setting scary and depressed so that his reader s tone also changes for the worst. After Poe changes the poem s mood to sad, he never brings it back to happy and he ends up leaving the reader s mood sad and depressed. In the very end of the poem the entire palace seems almost pointless because Poe says, And travelers, now, within that valley. Now that there are travelers, that makes it seem like the great palace is just a tourist site. So, throughout the poem, Poe changes the mood from happy to depressed and makes the reader thinking that the palace is nothing. Poe is one of the masters at using a changing description of the setting to change the reader s mood drastically.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea. (“ Poe uses a great deal of imagery to create the changing mood from happiness to depression. … Poe also creates a changing setting in, The Haunted Palace, so that the reader s tone changes. … Poe s use of tone definitely helps the reader s change their mood through the course of the poem.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are seen throughout this essay. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text, such as imagery, setting, and tone.

The essay effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“ Poe uses a great deal of imagery to create the changing mood from happiness to depression. Poe starts out making the reader feel happy and protected by saying, In the greenest of our valleys/ By good angles tenanted (1-2). The reader can picture a green valley and feel protected because of the good angels that are there. Poe starts the poem happy so the reader will feel comfortable and continue reading the poem. After Poe makes everything feel happy and calm he says, But evil things, in robes of sorrow, / Assailed the monarch s high estate (33-34). After reading that part, things end up feeling scared and sad, because this once amazing palace is taken over by evil.”)

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“ Poe uses a great deal of imagery to create the changing mood from happiness to depression. Poe starts out making the reader feel happy and protected by saying, In the greenest of our valleys/ By good angles tenanted (1-2). The reader can picture a green valley and feel protected because of the good angels that are there. Poe starts the poem happy so the reader will feel comfortable and continue reading the poem. After Poe makes everything feel happy and calm he says, But evil things, in robes of sorrow, / Assailed the monarch s high estate (33-34). After reading that part, things end up feeling scared and sad, because this once amazing palace is taken over by evil.”)

The essay includes good details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ Poe also creates a changing setting in, The Haunted Palace, so that the reader s tone changes. Poe then again starts the poem with a palace in a nice green valley, and then changes the setting to the same palace that is filled with evil and sorrow. Poe makes the setting scary and depressed so that his reader s tone also changes for the worst. After Poe changes the poem s mood to sad, he never brings it back to happy and he ends up leaving the reader s mood sad and depressed. In the very end of the poem the entire palace seems almost pointless because Poe says, And travelers, now, within that valley. Now that there are travelers, that makes it seem like the great palace is just a tourist site.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“Poe s use of tone definitely helps the reader s change their mood through the course of the poem. Poe gets the readers tone to be happy right away by giving the description of the beautiful palace with glorious banners. By using a beautiful description of the palace the readers think there is happiness and safety, but they are also confused because the name of the title is depressing. Poe wants the readers tone to be happy in the beginning so that the reader would continue reading. Poe, then just like with the setting and imagery, changes the tone by talking about the evil in the palace. When the evil things end up taking over, the reader s tone of the ends up becoming sad and depressed. One technique Poe ends up using is, the reader can tell the tone of the poem just by reading the title of the poem because its slightly depressing. Poe s great use of tone affects the mood very greatly.”)

Organization

This essay conveys strong evidence of good organization, as it demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best writers at creating a very interesting mood in his poems and stories. He uses various techniques to change the mood throughout the poem and really wants the readers to think about what they have read. Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace.”)

The introduction ends with a good thesis statement. (“ Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ After reading that part, things end up feeling scared and sad, because this once amazing palace is taken over by evil. In addition, Poe makes his readers change their tone about the poem just by giving a different description of this palace. … So, throughout the poem, Poe changes the mood from happy to depressed and makes the reader thinking that the palace is nothing.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the writer’s mentioning of how the specific literary techniques Poe uses help to create mood in his literary works. (“ Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best writers at creating a very interesting mood in his poems and stories. He uses various techniques to change the mood throughout the poem and really wants the readers to think about what they have read. Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace. … Poe has used many great techniques to help change the reader s mood from happy to depressed throughout, The Haunted Palace. Poe s uses of his techniques are very similar with all his works and he mainly focuses on the mood to be sad and depressing. Poe is one of the few authors to use that mood in most of his poems successfully.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay provides evidence of good language use and style. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best writers at creating a very interesting mood in his poems and stories. He uses various techniques to change the mood throughout the poem and really wants the readers to think about what they have read. Edgar Allan Poe uses imagery, setting, and tone to create a changing mood from happiness to depression throughout the poem, The Haunted Palace. … Poe has used many great techniques to help change the reader s mood from happy to depressed throughout, The Haunted Palace. Poe s uses of his techniques are very similar with all his works and he mainly focuses on the mood to be sad and depressing. Poe is one of the few authors to use that mood in most of his poems successfully.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ Poe uses a great deal of imagery to create the changing mood from happiness to depression. Poe starts out making the reader feel happy and protected by saying, In the greenest of our valleys/ By good angles tenanted (1-2). The reader can picture a green valley and feel protected because of the good angels that are there. Poe starts the poem happy so the reader will feel comfortable and continue reading the poem. After Poe makes everything feel happy and calm he says, But evil things, in robes of sorrow, / Assailed the monarch s high estate (33-34). After reading that part, things end up feeling scared and sad, because this once amazing palace is taken over by evil. In addition, Poe makes his readers change their tone about the poem just by giving a different description of this palace. The changing imagery in Poe s poem also ends up changing the mood.”)

The complex sentence, “ After Poe changes the poem s mood to sad, he never brings it back to happy and he ends up leaving the reader s mood sad and depressed,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Poe then again starts the poem with a palace in a nice green valley, and then changes the setting to the same palace that is filled with evil and sorrow.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ The changing imagery in Poe s poem also ends up changing the mood.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Poe is one of the few authors to use that mood in most of his poems successfully.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many writers but one that stands out the most is Edgar Allan Poe. He is stands out from the rest because he has the ability to project his life of sorrow through his poems and stories. He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories. In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.

Darkness plays a major role in setting the poems atmosphere and mood, Poe uses many different ways of showing the darkness in his poem the. An example of darkness in the poem is the actual raven that he is faced by and that he is hunted by. The represents death and death is related to darkness. Another example of darkness in his poem is when he talks about when he looked out all he sees is darkness and nothing else.

Curiosity also plays a big role in setting the atmosphere and mood of the poem. Through out the poem it was all curiosity for example the knocking on the door that Poe heard and didn't know who it was. In line 25 he says "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing", he didn't know what was going on he was curious about what was really knocking. As the poem went on the atmosphere and mood changed, it changed from darkness and curiosity to sadness. In the poem he realizes what the raven really means and why was it there. The raven represented his wife's death and that its there for his wife.

The moods of darkness, curiosity, and sadness lead the readers to feel poes inner pain by Poe using unique ways of displaying all of them. When the poem started it felt very dark and gloomy, that made the readers feel of Poes fear, as the poem went on the readers could feel Poes curiosity because of all the ways Poe explained the door knocking and how no one was there, and the reader could feel his sadness, because in the end of the poem Poe realized that his wife was about to die and he really cared for her.

Poe wrote many poems like this, but I think there's no poem or story that could compare to this one. In this poem he really shows what he is capable of doing. He made the readers feel what like as if they were in the poem and as if they were the one that's everything is happening to. Hands down "The Raven" is one of the best poems ever, there's no poems that could have made the reader feel the way they felt when reading it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay consists of an adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of Poe’s famous poem, “The Raven,” and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through the central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“There are many writers but one that stands out the most is Edgar Allan Poe. He is stands out from the rest because he has the ability to project his life of sorrow through his poems and stories. He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories. In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.”)

The essay’s response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt regarding Poe’s use of literary techniques to specifically create moods of darkness, curiosity, and sadness. (“There are many writers but one that stands out the most is Edgar Allan Poe. He is stands out from the rest because he has the ability to project his life of sorrow through his poems and stories. He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories. In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.”)

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“Darkness plays a major role in setting the poems atmosphere and mood, Poe uses many different ways of showing the darkness in his poem the. An example of darkness in the poem is the actual raven that he is faced by and that he is hunted by. The represents death and death is related to darkness. Another example of darkness in his poem is when he talks about when he looked out all he sees is darkness and nothing else.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are conveyed within this essay, which develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem, “The Raven.”

The essay adequately discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“Curiosity also plays a big role in setting the atmosphere and mood of the poem. Through out the poem it was all curiosity for example the knocking on the door that Poe heard and didn't know who it was. In line 25 he says ‘Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing’, he didn't know what was going on he was curious about what was really knocking. As the poem went on the atmosphere and mood changed, it changed from darkness and curiosity to sadness. In the poem he realizes what the raven really means and why was it there. The raven represented his wife's death and that its there for his wife.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Curiosity also plays a big role in setting the atmosphere and mood of the poem. Through out the poem it was all curiosity for example the knocking on the door that Poe heard and didn't know who it was. In line 25 he says ‘Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing’, he didn't know what was going on he was curious about what was really knocking. As the poem went on the atmosphere and mood changed, it changed from darkness and curiosity to sadness. In the poem he realizes what the raven really means and why was it there. The raven represented his wife's death and that its there for his wife.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“Darkness plays a major role in setting the poems atmosphere and mood, Poe uses many different ways of showing the darkness in his poem the. An example of darkness in the poem is the actual raven that he is faced by and that he is hunted by. The represents death and death is related to darkness. Another example of darkness in his poem is when he talks about when he looked out all he sees is darkness and nothing else.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is shown throughout this essay. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ There are many writers but one that stands out the most is Edgar Allan Poe. He is stands out from the rest because he has the ability to project his life of sorrow through his poems and stories. He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories. In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Poe wrote many poems like this, but I think there's no poem or story that could compare to this one. In this poem he really shows what he is capable of doing. He made the readers feel what like as if they were in the poem and as if they were the one that's everything is happening to. Hands down "The Raven" is one of the best poems ever, there's no poems that could have made the reader feel the way they felt when reading it.”)

The introduction and conclusion are connected through the writer’s emphasis on the strength of “The Raven” as a prime example of Poe’s ability to create mood in his literary works. (“ There are many writers but one that stands out the most is Edgar Allan Poe. He is stands out from the rest because he has the ability to project his life of sorrow through his poems and stories. He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories. In his most famous poem" The Raven," Poe shows off all his abilities and shows what kind of atmospheres he really can create that leads the reader to feels his inner pain. Some of the atmosphere and mood he creates in "the Raven" is darkness, curiosity, and sadness. … Poe wrote many poems like this, but I think there's no poem or story that could compare to this one. In this poem he really shows what he is capable of doing. He made the readers feel what like as if they were in the poem and as if they were the one that's everything is happening to. Hands down "The Raven" is one of the best poems ever, there's no poems that could have made the reader feel the way they felt when reading it.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is exhibited in this essay, which demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. There is also generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Darkness plays a major role in setting the poems atmosphere and mood, Poe uses many different ways of showing the darkness in his poem the. An example of darkness in the poem is the actual raven that he is faced by and that he is hunted by. The represents death and death is related to darkness. Another example of darkness in his poem is when he talks about when he looked out all he sees is darkness and nothing else.”)

Exact and specific words and phrases from the research and the prompt task such as, “ He also has a way of creating different atmosphere and moods in his poems and stories,” are used adequately.

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as the phrase “went on.” (“As the poem went on the atmosphere and mood changed, it changed from darkness and curiosity to sadness.”) In addition, the following sentence uses too many generic pronouns rather than identifying the specific poem by name. (“Poe wrote many poems like this, but I think there's no poem or story that could compare to this one.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Poe wrote many poems like this, but I think there's no poem or story that could compare to this one.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ Curiosity also plays a big role in setting the atmosphere and mood of the poem.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Another example of darkness in his poem is when he talks about when he looked out all he sees is darkness and nothing else.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Poe is the darkest person I'v ever read. I picket the poem called The Raven. Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.

In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a "bleak December." His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. It sounds like he is seeing himself dying because at the end of his poem. He says , "And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted nevermore." POE is also very talented at using imagery.

POE often gives the reader pictures of what is happening in his poetry. We again find this in The Raven when he say's ,"'tis the wind nothing more." Open here I flung the shutter when, with many a flirt and flutter nothing more." The picture that it gives me, is that the shutters are swinging and stopping. POE thinks that it's nothing. Also, when he says there's a rapping at my chamber door, that says that there is something at his chamber door. And he says the rapping gets louder and louder. POE says that the bird says "nevermore". POE builds suspense by saying there's a tapping at his chamber door because I thought there was someone going to come in the door. And when he thinks the bird is evil. So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. POE rights before the end he says "Take the beak from out of my heartland take the form from off my door." I thought that POE was died. So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say "Lenor." Poe creats the mood by saying the setting is a bleek December night.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the poem, “The Raven,” and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques, such as mood, setting, imagery, tone, and suspense, through a central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Poe is the darkest person I'v ever read. I picket the poem called The Raven. Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.”)

The essay’s response does not fully respond to the question asked in the writing prompt. (“In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a ‘bleak December.’ His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. It sounds like he is seeing himself dying because at the end of his poem. He says , ‘And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted nevermore.’ POE is also very talented at using imagery.”)

The essay only includes limited details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say "Lenor." Poe creats the mood by saying the setting is a bleek December night.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“Poe is the darkest person I'v ever read. I picket the poem called The Raven. Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.”)

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the poem, “The Raven.”

The essay includes only a limited discussion of literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a ‘bleak December.’ His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. It sounds like he is seeing himself dying because at the end of his poem. He says , ‘And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted nevermore.’ POE is also very talented at using imagery.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a ’bleak December.’ His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. It sounds like he is seeing himself dying because at the end of his poem. He says , ‘And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted nevermore.’ POE is also very talented at using imagery.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“POE often gives the reader pictures of what is happening in his poetry. We again find this in The Raven when he say's , ’'tis the wind nothing more.’ Open here I flung the shutter when, with many a flirt and flutter nothing more." The picture that it gives me, is that the shutters are swinging and stopping. POE thinks that it's nothing. Also, when he says there's a rapping at my chamber door, that says that there is something at his chamber door. And he says the rapping gets louder and louder. POE says that the bird says ‘nevermore’. POE builds suspense by saying there's a tapping at his chamber door because I thought there was someone going to come in the door. And when he thinks the bird is evil. So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. POE rights before the end he says ‘Take the beak from out of my heartland take the form from off my door.’ I thought that POE was died. So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’ Poe creats the mood by saying the setting is a bleek December night.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a ‘bleak December.’ His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. It sounds like he is seeing himself dying because at the end of his poem. He says , ‘And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted nevermore.’ POE is also very talented at using imagery.”)

Organization

Limited organization is demonstrated in this essay. It conveys evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. There is also a lack in proper paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Poe is the darkest person I'v ever read. I picket the poem called The Raven. Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Also, when he says there's a rapping at my chamber door, that says that there is something at his chamber door.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ POE often gives the reader pictures of what is happening in his poetry. We again find this in The Raven when he say's ,’'tis the wind nothing more.’ Open here I flung the shutter when, with many a flirt and flutter nothing more.’ The picture that it gives me, is that the shutters are swinging and stopping. POE thinks that it's nothing. Also, when he says there's a rapping at my chamber door, that says that there is something at his chamber door. And he says the rapping gets louder and louder. POE says that the bird says ‘nevermore’. POE builds suspense by saying there's a tapping at his chamber door because I thought there was someone going to come in the door. And when he thinks the bird is evil. So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. POE rights before the end he says ‘Take the beak from out of my heartland take the form from off my door.’ I thought that POE was died. So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’ Poe creats the mood by saying the setting is a bleek December night.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ In the poem The Raven the setting is it was a ‘bleak December.’ His mood is unhopeful and depressed. It also means its cold outside. POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope.”)

The essay uses some of the same words to begin sentences in the essay. (“ POE is setting the tone in this poem clearly as no hope. … POE is also very talented at using imagery. POE often gives the reader pictures of what is happening in his poetry. …So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. … So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions than the simple, informal word “so.” (“ So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. POE rights before the end he says ‘Take the beak from out of my heartland take the form from off my door.’ I thought that POE was died. So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’”)

Changing from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer. (“ So what I thought was going to happen is the bird was going to kill him but that's not what happened. POE rights before the end he says ‘Take the beak from out of my heartland take the form from off my door.’ I thought that POE was died. So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions throughout this essay. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action). (“Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.”)

Each sentence does not consist of correctly spelled words. (“So what I think is he is a real sad and depressed and he keeps hereing voices that say ‘Lenor.’ Poe creats the mood by saying the setting is a bleek December night.”)

Each sentence does not demonstrate the proper use of punctuation, such as apostrophes and quotation marks. (“Poe is the darkest person I'v ever read. I picket the poem called The Raven. Because I thought it would be easy to idenfy these thing's. The mood ,setting,imagery,tone,suspense and atmosphere.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader.

Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes "once upon a midnight dreary" and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are demonstrated in this essay. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the poem, “The Raven,” and makes no strong connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques. There is a central idea stated, but there is not enough evidence provided by the writer to support his/her argument.

The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Content & Development

This essay shows evidence of minimal content and development, as ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

This essay includes minimal details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader. …Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident within this essay, which demonstrates little evidence of structure, with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader.”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader. …Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader. …Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are minimal in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. There are also basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing. (“ Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader. …Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark, thereby creating run-on sentences. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story.”)

Each sentence does not contain correctly spelled words. (“There are many writers that people know. Some of these are Charles Dickons, William Shakespeere, and Maya Angelu. One very well known author is Edgar Allan Poe. He is known for his suspensful and frightening stories and poems. One of his famus poems, The raven, deals with a man who sees a raven as an omen. This drives the frightened man insane. Poe creates an eerie and scary mood by using setting, tone, and suspense to scare reader.”)

Each sentence does not contain the correct use of capitalization. (“Setting is an important detail in Poe's work. In The raven, Poe writes ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ and says that it was in Decmber when this story took place right away this set an eerie mood for the story. Setting is an important element in The raven because without it, there wouldn't be much suspence in the story.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are inadequate. The essay fails to establish an analysis of the poem, “The Raven,” and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

The essay does not state the central idea of the essay. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay is inadequate, as it fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay does not include literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). There is only one brief mention of the setting. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Organization

Inadequate organization is conveyed in this essay. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. … In the raven the setting is in a dark house.”)

Transitions are needed. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not contain correctly spelled words. (“"The Raven", is a story by Edgar Allean Poe. He was a very good auther and he had a way of getting people to focus on what they were reading by bringing new and different ideas to the story. In the raven the setting is in a dark house. the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark. (“the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“the narrator has kill someone and burrys the body parts around his house he is”)

Narrator in “The Scarlet Ibis”

In "The Scarlet Ibis," a short story by James Hurst, the narrator and his brother, Doodle, seem to have a good relationship. However, by the end of the story, the reader is left wondering whether this is really a "good" relationship. Can Brother be described as a loving brother?

In a detailed essay, identify the traits of a “good” brother and characterize Brother as either "good" or "bad." Use quotes and details from the story to support your characterization and to refute the opposing position.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero," said Marc Brown of his own dear brother. A brother can be a protector, a nurturer, and a dear friend. He could also be a tormentor, abuser, and worst nightmare. For a brother to be, "a superhero," he has to encourage, strengthen, and protect his sibling from any harm. In The Scarlet Ibis, by James Hurst, two brothers have a very interesting relationship. Doodle, the younger, is a disabled boy who has an extremely weak heart. His older brother pushes him physically so that he could fit in. During that process, Doodle's brother physically abuses, emotionally torments, and tries to change Doodle. Therefore, Doodle's brother is not a good brother.

Doodle's sibling fails at his calling of brotherhood because he physically abuses Doodle past the point of friendly family banter. For example, he would purposely tip Doodle's mode of transportation, a little wagon, to discourage him from wanting to go out and about. Even though Doodle could hardly move without that wagon, his brother risked permanently injuring him to get Doodle off his back. Secondly, the brother showed violent tendencies when he was a young boy of six. He concocted a plan to smother his baby brother with a pillow because Doodle would not be able to be the brother he hoped for. This act of barbarism clearly shows how selfish and uncaring Doodle's brother truly was. Thirdly, the brother overexerted Doodle, eventually to the point of death. The younger brother was allowed no resting period, and no time to let his weary muscles receive the respite they desperately needed. He was worked into utter exhaustion. These reasons clearly depict Doodle's brother's incapability to be a good brother because he physically ill-treated his younger brother.

Brother is not a respectable brother because he emotionally tormented Doodle. For instance, he named his younger brother after an insect. That sort of cruelty may seem innocent to others, but it is of the worst kind. All of Doodle's short life, he was nicknamed after a revolting lesser being, all thanks to his older brother. Next, he made Doodle touch his own coffin. Doodle's severe horror inflicted upon that single touch had no effect on his brother whatsoever. He wanted to see Doodle suffer. Lastly, he put an obscene amount of pressure on Doodle, far too much for a young child of six. Doodle has already exceeded whatever precedent hopes had been in store for him, but for his brother it was not enough. There was no joy in rising above everyone's expectations; only a thirst for more. That must have hurt Doodle severely. Thus, Doodle's brother is not a decent brother because he emotionally battered Doodle.

The brother is not an upright brother because he tried to change Doodle. Brothers are supposed to be the ones who protect you from people trying to change you, not the ones committing this heinous crime. With someone as pure and beautiful as Doodle, this is especially monstrous. Changing him would merely rid the world of a rare and exceptional child. In addition, Doodle did not even want to change. He was perfectly content being different! It was all his brother's idea to make him like everyone else. Consequently, Doodle's brother is not a good brother because he tried to change him.

Some people may say that his brother is indeed a worthy brother because he helped his brother learn how to walk; however, they would be wrong because he only helped Doodle learn how to walk because he was ashamed of him. Good outcomes do not make selfish and perverse reasons ethical. Doodle's happiness and transportability were not the reasons his brother wanted to help Doodle learn how to walk. The brother was embarrassed and humiliated by Doodle being different and crippled, so he decided to change him. Even when Doodle failed their goal, he did not think of how his brother would go to school, or how upset Doodle must have been. He thought of how HIS dreams were crushed, of how HIS pride was wounded. His selfishness and unscrupulousness give him the title of a wicked brother.

Brothers are infinitely important. A good brother, or a rotten one, can forever change your life. In The Scarlet Ibis, Doodle is increasingly mistreated by his older brother. The brother physically abuses him, more than a brother should. He also emotionally plagues Doodle from a very young age. In addition, he attempts to alter Doodle to make him a uniform sheep in the crowd. All of these things illustrate what a horrible brother Doodle's brother really is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea.

The writer effectively communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. He/she describes some of the more significant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“The brother is not an upright brother because he tried to change Doodle. Brothers are supposed to be the ones who protect you from people trying to change you, not the ones committing this heinous crime. With someone as pure and beautiful as Doodle, this is especially monstrous. Changing him would merely rid the world of a rare and exceptional child. In addition, Doodle did not even want to change. He was perfectly content being different! It was all his brother's idea to make him like everyone else. Consequently, Doodle's brother is not a good brother because he tried to change him.”)

The writer clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“‘Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero,’ said Marc Brown of his own dear brother. A brother can be a protector, a nurturer, and a dear friend. He could also be a tormentor, abuser, and worst nightmare. For a brother to be, ‘a superhero,’ he has to encourage, strengthen, and protect his sibling from any harm. In The Scarlet Ibis, by James Hurst, two brothers have a very interesting relationship.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“Doodle, the younger, is a disabled boy who has an extremely weak heart. His older brother pushes him physically so that he could fit in. During that process, Doodle's brother physically abuses, emotionally torments, and tries to change Doodle. Therefore, Doodle's brother is not a good brother. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses a variety of specific details from the text to bolster his/her assertion that the narrator is not a good brother to Doodle. These details include specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Brother is not a respectable brother because he emotionally tormented Doodle. For instance, he named his younger brother after an insect. That sort of cruelty may seem innocent to others, but it is of the worst kind. All of Doodle's short life, he was nicknamed after a revolting lesser being, all thanks to his older brother. Next, he made Doodle touch his own coffin. Doodle's severe horror inflicted upon that single touch had no effect on his brother whatsoever. He wanted to see Doodle suffer.”)

The writer consistently uses events occurring in the story to demonstrate the ways the narrator was unkind to his younger brother. (“He concocted a plan to smother his baby brother with a pillow because Doodle would not be able to be the brother he hoped for. This act of barbarism clearly shows how selfish and uncaring Doodle's brother truly was. Thirdly, the brother overexerted Doodle, eventually to the point of death. The younger brother was allowed no resting period, and no time to let his weary muscles receive the respite they desperately needed. He was worked into utter exhaustion. These reasons clearly depict Doodle's brother's incapability to be a good brother because he physically ill-treated his younger brother.”)

Opposing viewpoints are also included to balance the argument of whether the narrator was a good brother to Doodle. (“Some people may say that his brother is indeed a worthy brother because he helped his brother learn how to walk; however, they would be wrong because he only helped Doodle learn how to walk because he was ashamed of him. Good outcomes do not make selfish and perverse reasons ethical. Doodle's happiness and transportability were not the reasons his brother wanted to help Doodle learn how to walk. The brother was embarrassed and humiliated by Doodle being different and crippled, so he decided to change him. Even when Doodle failed their goal, he did not think of how his brother would go to school, or how upset Doodle must have been. He thought of how HIS dreams were crushed, of how HIS pride was wounded. His selfishness and unscrupulousness give him the title of a wicked brother.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction captures the readers’ attention by comparing a good brother to a superhero. (“‘Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero,’ said Marc Brown of his own dear brother. A brother can be a protector, a nurturer, and a dear friend. He could also be a tormentor, abuser, and worst nightmare. For a brother to be, ‘a superhero,’ he has to encourage, strengthen, and protect his sibling from any harm. In The Scarlet Ibis, by James Hurst, two brothers have a very interesting relationship. Doodle, the younger, is a disabled boy who has an extremely weak heart. His older brother pushes him physically so that he could fit in. During that process, Doodle's brother physically abuses, emotionally torments, and tries to change Doodle. Therefore, Doodle's brother is not a good brother. ”)

Transitional phrases between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“Brother is not a respectable brother because he emotionally tormented Doodle. For instance, he named his younger brother after an insect. That sort of cruelty may seem innocent to others, but it is of the worst kind. All of Doodle's short life, he was nicknamed after a revolting lesser being, all thanks to his older brother. Next, he made Doodle touch his own coffin. Doodle's severe horror inflicted upon that single touch had no effect on his brother whatsoever. He wanted to see Doodle suffer. Lastly, he put an obscene amount of pressure on Doodle, far too much for a young child of six. ”)

The essay contains a very effective conclusion that underscores the importance of brotherly relationships and leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Brothers are infinitely important. A good brother, or a rotten one, can forever change your life. In The Scarlet Ibis, Doodle is increasingly mistreated by his older brother. The brother physically abuses him, more than a brother should. He also emotionally plagues Doodle from a very young age. In addition, he attempts to alter Doodle to make him a uniform sheep in the crowd. All of these things illustrate what a horrible brother Doodle's brother really is. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language use and tone are consistent throughout the essay. He/she uses descriptive details to illustrate the ways the narrator was not a good brother to Doodle. (“Doodle's sibling fails at his calling of brotherhood because he physically abuses Doodle past the point of friendly family banter. For example, he would purposely tip Doodle's mode of transportation, a little wagon, to discourage him from wanting to go out and about. Even though Doodle could hardly move without that wagon, his brother risked permanently injuring him to get Doodle off his back. Secondly, the brother showed violent tendencies when he was a young boy of six. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Doodle’s brother for the readers so that by the end of the response, the readers understand the writer’s assertion that the narrator was not a good brother to Doodle. (“Even though Doodle could hardly move without that wagon, his brother risked permanently injuring him to get Doodle off his back. Secondly, the brother showed violent tendencies when he was a young boy of six. He concocted a plan to smother his baby brother with a pillow because Doodle would not be able to be the brother he hoped for. This act of barbarism clearly shows how selfish and uncaring Doodle's brother truly was. Thirdly, the brother overexerted Doodle, eventually to the point of death. The younger brother was allowed no resting period, and no time to let his weary muscles receive the respite they desperately needed. He was worked into utter exhaustion. These reasons clearly depict Doodle's brother's incapability to be a good brother because he physically ill-treated his younger brother. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and complex sentence structures adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Brother is not a respectable brother because he emotionally tormented Doodle. For instance, he named his younger brother after an insect. That sort of cruelty may seem innocent to others, but it is of the worst kind. All of Doodle's short life, he was nicknamed after a revolting lesser being, all thanks to his older brother. Next, he made Doodle touch his own coffin. Doodle's severe horror inflicted upon that single touch had no effect on his brother whatsoever. He wanted to see Doodle suffer. Lastly, he put an obscene amount of pressure on Doodle, far too much for a young child of six. Doodle has already exceeded whatever precedent hopes had been in store for him, but for his brother it was not enough.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and spelling is checked for accuracy. (“Brother is not a respectable brother because he emotionally tormented Doodle. For instance, he named his younger brother after an insect. That sort of cruelty may seem innocent to others, but it is of the worst kind. All of Doodle's short life, he was nicknamed after a revolting lesser being, all thanks to his older brother. Next, he made Doodle touch his own coffin. Doodle's severe horror inflicted upon that single touch had no effect on his brother whatsoever. He wanted to see Doodle suffer.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

From the short story "The Scarlet Ibis," by James Hurst, Doodle and the narrator had some crazy adventures and quite a few ups and downs in their relationship. Was the narrator a good or bad brother? Did he treat his brittle brother with care and respect, or did he treat him like the dirt he walks on? The narrator was a good brother to Doodle, because he did everything a good sibling would do. Being a good brother includes teaching your siblings, spending time and caring for them, and being patient and encouraging with them. The narrator is a good brother because he has all of these wonderful traits.

Teaching is a big part of being a good sibling, and the narrator was definitely an adequate teacher. "And I would give him swimming lessons or show him how to row a boat." He always taught Doodle new things. For example, he teaches Doodle to walk and to run. The narrator even teaches him how to swim. The two brothers would go to Old Woman Swamp and Doodle would be taught every day. The narrator also sets up a development program for his crippled brother. "And I prepared a terrific development program for him. I would teach him to run, swim, climb trees, and fight." Doodle and the narrator would spend their time always teaching each other. From physical movement like running and climbing to the mental motions of lying and talking, the narrator would teach Doodle every day. The narrator would go out of his way to teach Doodle something as simple as lying. Doodle could be taught, so being the great brother that he is, the narrator taught him.

The second reason the narrator is a good brother is that he spends his time with Doodle. "Each day, barring rain, we would sneak into Old Woman Swamp. I would put him on his feet 100 times, each afternoon." No matter what weather, the narrator would bring Doodle to the swamp every day. He sacrificed his own time to help his little brother learn and progress with his challenges. Because the narrator spent that time with Doodle, he was able to grow and become stronger. Even before they went to Old Woman Swamp together, Doodle would be pulled around by the narrator. When Doodle was young and could not walk, the narrator would bring him everywhere he went with his wagon. He was always with Doodle. They spent a lot of time together and did a plethora of things together. The narrator obviously wanted to spend all his time with his little brother, so they spent hours together like a family.

Another great quality for a brother to have is patience and encouragement to keep trying. The narrator had lots of patience and never gave up even when things seemed seemingly impossible. An excellent example of this was when the narrator was teaching Doodle to walk. After falling and falling, the narrator did not know if Doodle even wanted to learn to walk. He asked and Doodle was doubtful. So he gave Doodle words of encouragement to keep trying. "Well if you do not keep trying you will not learn!" Doodle had trouble grasping to the things the narrator taught him, it was hard for him. Even though Doodle had never stayed up on his feet when trying to walk, the narrator kept encouraging him to keep trying. He was patient while Doodle learned and progressed, and never let him give up for Doodle's own benefit. After Doodle had been taught a handful of things, the narrator made sure he kept learning important things fast. "We decided to double our efforts, to make a last drive so we could reach the pot of gold." While Doodle accomplished his tasks, the narrator was still being as patient as ever. He encouraged him to do everything that he was taught. Month after month of teaching, the narrator was always patient.

Of course, the narrator did leave Doodle in the end of the story. Because he left, Doodle died in the perilous hurricane that was raging on. The narrator did not leave his brother because he did not care or did not love him enough. He left him because he had experienced a "flood of childish spite." He had been scared, just like his younger brother Doodle. After the narrator over came the fear, he went back while the hurricane was still going on around him. He went back for his younger brother whom he loved so very much. The narrator left Doodle because he was fearful for himself, but in the end, he went back for his brother to bring him home.

The narrator and Doodle had an exquisite relationship. He was a great brother to Doodle, and treated his brother like gold. He taught Doodle everything he could, spent all of his time with him, and was patient and emboldened Doodle day in and day out. Doodle never gave up on trying to learn the things the narrator taught, and the narrator never stopped teaching him. He promoted Doodle every day, and never stopped educating him. The narrator could not have been a better brother than what he was to Doodle.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on several reasons why the narrator is a good brother to Doodle for the intended audience. The writer is effective in this approach and consistently maintains that focus throughout the essay. (“The second reason the narrator is a good brother is that he spends his time with Doodle. ‘Each day, barring rain, we would sneak into Old Woman Swamp. I would put him on his feet 100 times, each afternoon.’ No matter what weather, the narrator would bring Doodle to the swamp every day. He sacrificed his own time to help his little brother learn and progress with his challenges. Because the narrator spent that time with Doodle, he was able to grow and become stronger. Even before they went to Old Woman Swamp together, Doodle would be pulled around by the narrator. When Doodle was young and could not walk, the narrator would bring him everywhere he went with his wagon. He was always with Doodle. ”)

The writer defines and illustrates the traits of a good brother with examples from the text; this allows for meaningful communication of the writer’s ideas to the intended audience. (“Another great quality for a brother to have is patience and encouragement to keep trying. The narrator had lots of patience and never gave up even when things seemed seemingly impossible. An excellent example of this was when the narrator was teaching Doodle to walk. After falling and falling, the narrator did not know if Doodle even wanted to learn to walk. He asked and Doodle was doubtful. So he gave Doodle words of encouragement to keep trying. ”)

The writer focuses on the central/controlling idea with details about teaching siblings, spending time and caring for them, and being patient and encouraging them. (“He was patient while Doodle learned and progressed, and never let him give up for Doodle's own benefit. After Doodle had been taught a handful of things, the narrator made sure he kept learning important things fast. ‘We decided to double our efforts, to make a last drive so we could reach the pot of gold.’ While Doodle accomplished his tasks, the narrator was still being as patient as ever. He encouraged him to do everything that he was taught. Month after month of teaching, the narrator was always patient. ”)

Content & Development

The writer explores many ways that the narrator is good to his brother Doodle. (“The second reason the narrator is a good brother is that he spends his time with Doodle. ‘Each day, barring rain, we would sneak into Old Woman Swamp. I would put him on his feet 100 times, each afternoon.’ No matter what weather, the narrator would bring Doodle to the swamp every day. He sacrificed his own time to help his little brother learn and progress with his challenges. Because the narrator spent that time with Doodle, he was able to grow and become stronger. Even before they went to Old Woman Swamp together, Doodle would be pulled around by the narrator. When Doodle was young and could not walk, the narrator would bring him everywhere he went with his wagon. He was always with Doodle. They spent a lot of time together and did a plethora of things together. The narrator obviously wanted to spend all his time with his little brother, so they spent hours together like a family.”)

The essay contains specific details and dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Teaching is a big part of being a good sibling, and the narrator was definitely an adequate teacher. ‘And I would give him swimming lessons or show him how to row a boat.’ He always taught Doodle new things. For example, he teaches Doodle to walk and to run. The narrator even teaches him how to swim. The two brothers would go to Old Woman Swamp and Doodle would be taught every day. The narrator also sets up a development program for his crippled brother. ‘And I prepared a terrific development program for him. I would teach him to run, swim, climb trees, and fight.’ Doodle and the narrator would spend their time always teaching each other. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Another great quality for a brother to have is patience and encouragement to keep trying. The narrator had lots of patience and never gave up even when things seemed seemingly impossible. An excellent example of this was when the narrator was teaching Doodle to walk. After falling and falling, the narrator did not know if Doodle even wanted to learn to walk. He asked and Doodle was doubtful. So he gave Doodle words of encouragement to keep trying. ‘Well if you do not keep trying you will not learn!’ Doodle had trouble grasping to the things the narrator taught him, it was hard for him. Even though Doodle had never stayed up on his feet when trying to walk, the narrator kept encouraging him to keep trying. He was patient while Doodle learned and progressed, and never let him give up for Doodle's own benefit.”)

Organization

The writer engages the readers’ attention in the beginning with a series of questions and then asserts a thesis statement that drives the essay to a logical conclusion. (“From the short story ‘The Scarlet Ibis,’ by James Hurst, Doodle and the narrator had some crazy adventures and quite a few ups and downs in their relationship. Was the narrator a good or bad brother? Did he treat his brittle brother with care and respect, or did he treat him like the dirt he walks on? The narrator was a good brother to Doodle, because he did everything a good sibling would do. Being a good brother includes teaching your siblings, spending time and caring for them, and being patient and encouraging with them. The narrator is a good brother because he has all of these wonderful traits. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“Even though Doodle had never stayed up on his feet when trying to walk, the narrator kept encouraging him to keep trying. He was patient while Doodle learned and progressed, and never let him give up for Doodle's own benefit. After Doodle had been taught a handful of things, the narrator made sure he kept learning important things fast. ‘We decided to double our efforts, to make a last drive so we could reach the pot of gold.’ While Doodle accomplished his tasks, the narrator was still being as patient as ever. He encouraged him to do everything that he was taught. Month after month of teaching, the narrator was always patient. Of course, the narrator did leave Doodle in the end of the story. ”)

The writer includes an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“The narrator and Doodle had an exquisite relationship. He was a great brother to Doodle, and treated his brother like gold. He taught Doodle everything he could, spent all of his time with him, and was patient and emboldened Doodle day in and day out. Doodle never gave up on trying to learn the things the narrator taught, and the narrator never stopped teaching him. He promoted Doodle every day, and never stopped educating him. The narrator could not have been a better brother than what he was to Doodle. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good language use, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

Appropriate word choices give the essay an authoritative tone. (“No matter what weather, the narrator would bring Doodle to the swamp every day. He sacrificed his own time to help his little brother learn and progress with his challenges. Because the narrator spent that time with Doodle, he was able to grow and become stronger. Even before they went to Old Woman Swamp together, Doodle would be pulled around by the narrator. When Doodle was young and could not walk, the narrator would bring him everywhere he went with his wagon. He was always with Doodle. They spent a lot of time together and did a plethora of things together. The narrator obviously wanted to spend all his time with his little brother, so they spent hours together like a family. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“Of course, the narrator did leave Doodle in the end of the story. Because he left, Doodle died in the perilous hurricane that was raging on. The narrator did not leave his brother because he did not care or did not love him enough. He left him because he had experienced a ‘flood of childish spite.’ He had been scared, just like his younger brother Doodle. After the narrator over came the fear, he went back while the hurricane was still going on around him. He went back for his younger brother whom he loved so very much. The narrator left Doodle because he was fearful for himself, but in the end, he went back for his brother to bring him home.”)

The writer creates some complex sentence structures that contain relevant, insightful details to craft a rich response to the prompt task. (“From physical movement like running and climbing to the mental motions of lying and talking, the narrator would teach Doodle every day. The narrator would go out of his way to teach Doodle something as simple as lying. Doodle could be taught, so being the great brother that he is, the narrator taught him. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. Spelling and grammar are generally correct. (“Was the narrator a good or bad brother? Did he treat his brittle brother with care and respect, or did he treat him like the dirt he walks on? The narrator was a good brother to Doodle, because he did everything a good sibling would do. Being a good brother includes teaching your siblings, spending time and caring for them, and being patient and encouraging with them. The narrator is a good brother because he has all of these wonderful traits.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is a good brother? Does he buy things for you or does he help you when you need it? Does he pull your hair? In the short-story “The Scarlet Ibis” the big brother shows both sides of a good brother and a bad brother. He helps his brother learn how to walk, but he also does it for pride. Was he in the right or was he in the wrong? Is he a good brother? What even is a good brother? A good brother will always look out for their siblings. They are always there when you need them. They are kind and generous with their siblings. It's not easy to be a good brother but with hard work and practice everyone can be a good brother. They also are a good example to their them. So, is the narrator a good brother, or did Doodle not get a good brother for his short time of life?

A good brother will always look out for their siblings. They won't let anything deleterious happen to their younger brothers or sisters. In "The Scarlet Ibis" the narrator left Doodle. He left him out in the woods in a wicked storm that took Doodle's life in the end. Is that being a good brother? I think not. Good brothers will not be cruel to their comrades. If they are going to watch out for their brothers or sisters, they can not be hypocritical or harsh. The narrator is often mean to Doodle, he forced him into the attic, and made him touch the casket that was intentionally made for Doodle. Doodle cried and pleaded for his brother to stop, but he would not. That does not sound like a good brother to me. An excellent brother will also never let their siblings get hurt. They work hard to make sure that their siblings do not get hurt. Some may say just being there for your younger siblings is sufficient to be an adequate brother. In my opinion it takes more than that.

Good brothers are always kind and very responsible. They will never be cruel or harsh towards their siblings. Adequate brothers are always kind to their siblings. They show love by doing things for others and are not selfish. They will also stand up for their siblings, they do not take the opposing side against them. In the short-story "The Scarlet Ibis" Doodle's big brother teaches him how to walk and to function, but it is out of pride. Pride is a shameful thing in this situation. His big brother should have taught Doodle how to walk because he loves him. Doodle's brother states in the story that his actions were out of pride. Is the narrator a good brother?

A brother who is a good example is a great brother. Doodle's big brother in "The Scarlet Ibis" teaches Doodle how to lie. A good brother would not teach their siblings poor or unclean things. They will also do good wholesome things to encourage their younger siblings to be like them. The majority of children who have older brothers or sisters tend to want to be just like their older siblings. The younger one's always do all the things that the older siblings do, such as have the same favorite color, wear the same clothes, use the same language, and eat the same types of food. In the story, Doodle's big brother is not always a good example to Doodle. Everyone in their lifetime has had an example that has had a big impact on their life. This gives us more evidence of why Doodle's brother is not a good brother.

A good brother will always drop what he is doing to help his younger siblings. He will not discourage his siblings from asking him for help. No matter what he is doing he will always help his brother or sister. For the most part Doodle's big brother did do this. He does not always show love to his brother. The theme of the story is showing brotherly love and learning to overcome challenges. The author gets a good point across. In the end after Doodle's brother does all of those dreadful to his brother he finally realizes how much he loves him. The bad part about this is that Doodle had to die for his brother to see clearly. That did not need to happen.

In conclusion, big brother is not a good brother to Doodle. He has his moments when he is a great brother. For example he helped him learn how to walk. He loved spending time with his brother. Even though Doodle had some issues with his body, his brother got over those and loved Doodle the way he was. On the other hand Doodle's big brother forces Doodle to do things he does not want to do. For example, Doodle's brother made him touch the casket that was built for Doodle at the beginning of the story. When Doodle asks his brother to stop what he was doing, his brother never stops. In this short-story the negative things that Doodle's older brother does outweighs the positive. Which leads to our conclusion, the narrator is not a good brother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer adequately communicates his/her understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects traits that focus on what a good brother should be and provides some details so the readers can imagine how Doodle’s brother represents the opposite of a good brother. (“A brother who is a good example is a great brother. Doodle's big brother in ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ teaches Doodle how to lie. A good brother would not teach their siblings poor or unclean things. They will also do good wholesome things to encourage their younger siblings to be like them. The majority of children who have older brothers or sisters tend to want to be just like their older siblings. The younger one's always do all the things that the older siblings do, such as have the same favorite color, wear the same clothes, use the same language, and eat the same types of food. In the story, Doodle's big brother is not always a good example to Doodle.”)

The writer generally maintains the same focus throughout the essay. He/she focuses on the traits of a good brother. However, to make the essay more meaningful for the intended audience, the writer should focus more supporting details on specific events from the text that illustrate his/her argument that Brother is not very good to Doodle. (“In the end after Doodle's brother does all of those dreadful to his brother he finally realizes how much he loves him. The bad part about this is that Doodle had to die for his brother to see clearly. That did not need to happen.”)

The essay is generally appropriate for the intended audience and satisfies the basic requirements of the prompt task. The writer explores the characters and their brotherly relationship adequately. (“What is a good brother? Does he buy things for you or does he help you when you need it? Does he pull your hair? In the short-story ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ the big brother shows both sides of a good brother and a bad brother. He helps his brother learn how to walk, but he also does it for pride. Was he in the right or was he in the wrong? Is he a good brother? What even is a good brother?”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and relevant evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer points to a few events occurring in the story to support some of the ways that Doodle’s brother is not a good brother to him. The writer should go into greater detail concerning these events to help his/her ideas come to life. (“Good brothers are always kind and very responsible. They will never be cruel or harsh towards their siblings. Adequate brothers are always kind to their siblings. They show love by doing things for others and are not selfish. They will also stand up for their siblings, they do not take the opposing side against them. In the short-story ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ Doodle's big brother teaches him how to walk and to function, but it is out of pride. Pride is a shameful thing in this situation. His big brother should have taught Doodle how to walk because he loves him. Doodle's brother states in the story that his actions were out of pride. Is the narrator a good brother?”)

The writer defines the traits of a good brother in the essay; however, he/she should incorporate relevant details from the text to illustrate these ideas in a more meaningful way. (“A brother who is a good example is a great brother. Doodle's big brother in ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ teaches Doodle how to lie. A good brother would not teach their siblings poor or unclean things. They will also do good wholesome things to encourage their younger siblings to be like them. The majority of children who have older brothers or sisters tend to want to be just like their older siblings. The younger one's always do all the things that the older siblings do, such as have the same favorite color, wear the same clothes, use the same language, and eat the same types of food. In the story, Doodle's big brother is not always a good example to Doodle. Everyone in their lifetime has had an example that has had a big impact on their life. This gives us more evidence of why Doodle's brother is not a good brother.”)

The writer provides insight when suggesting that by the end of the story, Brother realizes how much he actually loved his little brother. (“The theme of the story is showing brotherly love and learning to overcome challenges. The author gets a good point across. In the end after Doodle's brother does all of those dreadful to his brother he finally realizes how much he loves him. The bad part about this is that Doodle had to die for his brother to see clearly. That did not need to happen.”)

Organization

The writer’s introduction adequately engages the readers’ attention by posing questions about traits that make a good brother. (“What is a good brother? Does he buy things for you or does he help you when you need it? Does he pull your hair? In the short-story ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ the big brother shows both sides of a good brother and a bad brother. He helps his brother learn how to walk, but he also does it for pride. Was he in the right or was he in the wrong? Is he a good brother? What even is a good brother? A good brother will always look out for their siblings. They are always there when you need them. They are kind and generous with their siblings. It's not easy to be a good brother but with hard work and practice everyone can be a good brother. They also are a good example to their them. So, is the narrator a good brother, or did Doodle not get a good brother for his short time of life? ”)

Adequate transitions are used between paragraphs and sentences in some portions of the essay response. This assists in connecting the writer’s ideas and maintaining flow and sequence. (“In conclusion, big brother is not a good brother to Doodle. He has his moments when he is a great brother. For example he helped him learn how to walk. He loved spending time with his brother. Even though Doodle had some issues with his body, his brother got over those and loved Doodle the way he was. On the other hand Doodle's big brother forces Doodle to do things he does not want to do. For example, Doodle's brother made him touch the casket that was built for Doodle at the beginning of the story. ”)

The essay contains an adequate conclusion; however, the writer should avoid reiterating supporting details that reopen the discussion in the readers’ minds. (“In conclusion, big brother is not a good brother to Doodle. He has his moments when he is a great brother. For example he helped him learn how to walk. He loved spending time with his brother. Even though Doodle had some issues with his body, his brother got over those and loved Doodle the way he was. On the other hand Doodle's big brother forces Doodle to do things he does not want to do. For example, Doodle's brother made him touch the casket that was built for Doodle at the beginning of the story. When Doodle asks his brother to stop what he was doing, his brother never stops. In this short-story the negative things that Doodle's older brother does outweighs the positive. Which leads to our conclusion, the narrator is not a good brother. ”)

Language Use & Style

Although correct sentence structures are present throughout the essay, many sentences are short and choppy. By combining related ideas, the writer can create a more meaningful response for the intended readers. (“Good brothers are always kind and very responsible. They will never be cruel or harsh towards their siblings. Adequate brothers are always kind to their siblings. They show love by doing things for others and are not selfish. They will also stand up for their siblings, they do not take the opposing side against them. ”)

Word choices are repetitious in some portions of the essay. The writer should employ a variety of word choices to keep the readers actively engaged in the essay. (“He helps his brother learn how to walk, but he also does it for pride. Was he in the right or was he in the wrong? Is he a good brother? What even is a good brother? A good brother will always look out for their siblings. They are always there when you need them. They are kind and generous with their siblings. It's not easy to be a good brother but with hard work and practice everyone can be a good brother.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she describes brotherly traits and asserts whether Brother is a good brother to Doodle. (“A brother who is a good example is a great brother. Doodle's big brother in ‘The Scarlet Ibis’ teaches Doodle how to lie. A good brother would not teach their siblings poor or unclean things. They will also do good wholesome things to encourage their younger siblings to be like them. The majority of children who have older brothers or sisters tend to want to be just like their older siblings. The younger one's always do all the things that the older siblings do, such as have the same favorite color, wear the same clothes, use the same language, and eat the same types of food. In the story, Doodle's big brother is not always a good example to Doodle. Everyone in their lifetime has had an example that has had a big impact on their life. This gives us more evidence of why Doodle's brother is not a good brother.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, the writer adequately ensures that sentences have a subject and a verb, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. Overall, spelling and grammar are adequate in the essay. (“Good brothers will not be cruel to their comrades. If they are going to watch out for their brothers or sisters, they can not be hypocritical or harsh. The narrator is often mean to Doodle, he forced him into the attic, and made him touch the casket that was intentionally made for Doodle. Doodle cried and pleaded for his brother to stop, but he would not.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Good: Beneficent or friendly. Bad: Invalid or false.

In the short story The Scarlet Ibis, there were many moments where Brother showed affection and love towards Doodle. Just like in every known story, there are parts where we think that the protagonist is bad, or selfish. In this story it all starts off with William Armstrong (named Doodle later in the story) being challenged to complete an assiduous task; walk. In this essay I hope you can understand my point of view describing my thoughts in which Brother was good, concerning and proud.

There are many good things done in the world like volunteering for the nursing home,help charity, and even picking up a pencil for a fellow classmate. I understood many good things about Brother. Even if in the beginning it sounded that the family had no hope in Doodle, Brother was up to the task to help him walk. He did it for the wrong reasons but as the story goes on, your mind Twists and you notice the change of Brother's attitude towards helping him.

The proud of Brother toward Doodle was not like your mom proud for the drawing you made, nor the proud you get when a friend tells you something nice. The proud of Brother to Doodle for believing in himself when everybody turned him down, it was the same proud that he felt when Doodle gave his first steps and it was also the proud he should've felt only by being his older brother.

Concern between siblings is not visible but it's always there, just like in this story. There are two side to every told story. When Brother felt embarassed with his friends because Doodle didn't know how to walk, he was thinking selfishy; that's what we think. This is an educated guess of course, but I would like to believe that he wanted to help his brother instead of just doing a selfish action. By the end of the book, Doodle dies and Brother was devistated; destroyed. Who wouldn't? They were sibling of course but after all the time they spent together and the feeling he got when Doodle gave his first steps.

Any sibling with concern about others, Proud of what they became or can become, and good in their hearts would be just splendid.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer states a limited central/controlling idea. (“In this essay I hope you can understand my point of view describing my thoughts in which Brother was good, concerning and proud.”)

The writer communicates an understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the ways Brother is showing goodness towards Doodle, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the prompt task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“I understood many good things about Brother. Even if in the beginning it sounded that the family had no hope in Doodle, Brother was up to the task to help him walk. He did it for the wrong reasons but as the story goes on, your mind Twists and you notice the change of Brother's attitude towards helping him.”)

The writer establishes an informative tone to discuss the relationship between the main characters; however, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important events occurring in the story for the readers to appreciate the analysis of Brother as a good brother to Doodle. (“By the end of the book, Doodle dies and Brother was devistated; destroyed. Who wouldn't? They were sibling of course but after all the time they spent together and the feeling he got when Doodle gave his first steps. Any sibling with concern about others, Proud of what they became or can become, and good in their hearts would be just splendid.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Concern between siblings is not visible but it's always there, just like in this story. There are two side to every told story. When Brother felt embarassed with his friends because Doodle didn't know how to walk, he was thinking selfishy; that's what we think. This is an educated guess of course, but I would like to believe that he wanted to help his brother instead of just doing a selfish action. By the end of the book, Doodle dies and Brother was devistated; destroyed. Who wouldn't? They were sibling of course but after all the time they spent together and the feeling he got when Doodle gave his first steps.”)

The writer neglects to include quotations that would emphasize the importance of events occurring in the text. The writer can use direct quotes from the text to support his/her ideas more effectively. (“The proud of Brother toward Doodle was not like your mom proud for the drawing you made, nor the proud you get when a friend tells you something nice. The proud of Brother to Doodle for believing in himself when everybody turned him down, it was the same proud that he felt when Doodle gave his first steps and it was also the proud he should've felt only by being his older brother.”)

The writer’s explanations regarding the goodness of Brother towards Doodle are limited at best. More information about events occurring in the story would help the readers appreciate the writer’s ideas in a more meaningful way. (“There are many good things done in the world like volunteering for the nursing home,help charity, and even picking up a pencil for a fellow classmate. I understood many good things about Brother. Even if in the beginning it sounded that the family had no hope in Doodle, Brother was up to the task to help him walk. He did it for the wrong reasons but as the story goes on, your mind Twists and you notice the change of Brother's attitude towards helping him.”)

Organization

The writer attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction by providing some background information about the characters and their relationships to each other. A limited thesis statement is provided, but it does not succeed in driving the essay to a logical conclusion. (“In the short story The Scarlet Ibis, there were many moments where Brother showed affection and love towards Doodle. Just like in every known story, there are parts where we think that the protagonist is bad, or selfish. In this story it all starts off with William Armstrong (named Doodle later in the story) being challenged to complete an assiduous task; walk. In this essay I hope you can understand my point of view describing my thoughts in which Brother was good, concerning and proud.”)

Along with very limited use of transitions, there are many gaps in the sequence and flow of ideas; this leaves the readers with many questions. (“Even if in the beginning it sounded that the family had no hope in Doodle, Brother was up to the task to help him walk. He did it for the wrong reasons but as the story goes on, your mind Twists and you notice the change of Brother's attitude towards helping him.”)

The writer’s conclusion is limited as well; it does not summarize main ideas or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“Any sibling with concern about others, Proud of what they became or can become, and good in their hearts would be just splendid.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use, voice, and style in the essay. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are syntax issues in portions of the essay. (“There are two side to every told story… They were sibling of course but after all the time they spent together and the feeling he got when Doodle gave his first steps.”)

The writer needs to use more varied and sophisticated word choices. In doing so, he/she can avoid a repetitious feel to the overall response. (“The proud of Brother toward Doodle was not like your mom proud for the drawing you made, nor the proud you get when a friend tells you something nice. The proud of Brother to Doodle for believing in himself when everybody turned him down, it was the same proud that he felt when Doodle gave his first steps and it was also the proud he should've felt only by being his older brother.”)

There are some weak sentence structures in the essay. Although the writer attempts to create some complex sentence structures, many of the sentences are fragmented and difficult for the readers to understand. (“Good: Beneficent or friendly. Bad: Invalid or false… They were sibling of course but after all the time they spent together and the feeling he got when Doodle gave his first steps. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are distracting errors in spelling and grammar that may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. Correcting spelling and punctuation errors would improve the effectiveness of the overall response. (“When Brother felt embarassed with his friends because Doodle didn't know how to walk, he was thinking selfishy; that's what we think. This is an educated guess of course, but I would like to believe that he wanted to help his brother instead of just doing a selfish action. By the end of the book, Doodle dies and Brother was devistated; destroyed.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I am going to tell you what real Brother is and what he does for you. Real Brothers will keep you safe and give you help when you need it. He will play with you sometimes and care for you always. Like a bad example of a Brother is like when Doodles Brother left in the rain and doodle died. There you go that's all I am going to right for this paragraph.

I'm going to tell you how Doodle is a bad and good Brother. How he is good because he helped his Brother cause pushed him around and made him laugh. He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own. This last sentence in my paragraph here comes the next paragraph.

Doodle was also a bad brother because he showed Doodle his casket and made touch it or he couldn't come off the ledge in the barn. How he tried to kill him is he turned on his stomach and almost killed him but Doodle barely lived. Doodles brother taught him to just because he didn't want to take care of him. Doodles brother was very selfish but doodle didn't realize it and doodle thought he was good to him. So ye doodle was really messed to doodle in some ways.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state a strong central/controlling idea that would lead the readers through the essay. The writer mentions ways that the brother was good and bad to Doodle; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, his/her ideas are very difficult for the readers to follow. (“I'm going to tell you how Doodle is a bad and good Brother. How he is good because he helped his Brother cause pushed him around and made him laugh. He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own. This last sentence in my paragraph here comes the next paragraph.”)

The writer does not demonstrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not contain enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the important traits of a brother or whether Doodle’s brother was good or bad to him. (“How he is good because he helped his Brother cause pushed him around and made him laugh. He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own.”)

The writer seems to lose focus towards the end of the response by discussing traits of the brother but referring to Doodle in his explanation of them. This adds to the confusion the readers are already experiencing. (“Doodle was also a bad brother because he showed Doodle his casket and made touch it or he couldn't come off the ledge in the barn. How he tried to kill him is he turned on his stomach and almost killed him but Doodle barely lived. Doodles brother taught him to just because he didn't want to take care of him. Doodles brother was very selfish but doodle didn't realize it and doodle thought he was good to him. So ye doodle was really messed to doodle in some ways. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references from the text to support ideas.

The essay does not contain adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the traits that make a good brother and how the brother was not good to Doodle, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenarios and their implications. (“I'm going to tell you how Doodle is a bad and good Brother. How he is good because he helped his Brother cause pushed him around and made him laugh. He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own. This last sentence in my paragraph here comes the next paragraph.”)

The writer needs to include relevant information from the text to assist the readers in understanding the connections between the ideas presented and specific events occurring in the literary selection. (“Doodle was also a bad brother because he showed Doodle his casket and made touch it or he couldn't come off the ledge in the barn. How he tried to kill him is he turned on his stomach and almost killed him but Doodle barely lived. Doodles brother taught him to just because he didn't want to take care of him. Doodles brother was very selfish but doodle didn't realize it and doodle thought he was good to him. So ye doodle was really messed to doodle in some ways.”)

The writer mentions events in the story that could potentially illustrate the ways Doodle’s brother is “bad” to him; however, without sufficient development of these ideas, the readers are left with many questions. (“He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own.”)

Organization

The essay exhibits little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I am going to tell you what real Brother is and what he does for you. Real Brothers will keep you safe and give you help when you need it. He will play with you sometimes and care for you always. Like a bad example of a Brother is like when Doodles Brother left in the rain and doodle died. There you go that's all I am going to right for this paragraph.”)

The writer does not create effective supporting paragraphs that clearly emphasize the traits of a “good” brother and characterize Brother as either “good” or “bad.” Also, effective transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. The writer should avoid telling the readers that he/she is finished with a paragraph or stating “here comes the next…” etc. These comments are distracting and affect the credibility of the writer. (“I'm going to tell you how Doodle is a bad and good Brother. How he is good because he helped his Brother cause pushed him around and made him laugh. He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own. This last sentence in my paragraph here comes the next paragraph.”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas or leaves the readers with something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“Doodles brother was very selfish but doodle didn't realize it and doodle thought he was good to him. So ye doodle was really messed to doodle in some ways.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language, voice, and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The writer’s sentence structures are weak; for instance, there are sentence fragments in portions of the essay. (“How he tried to kill him is he turned on his stomach and almost killed him but Doodle barely lived. Doodles brother taught him to just because he didn't want to take care of him. ”)

The essay lacks effective voice and style; this affects the credibility of the writer. (“He also tried to kill Doodle though and it didn't work. Then he took his Brother and taught him how to walk on his own. This last sentence in my paragraph here comes the next paragraph. ”)

The writer’s word choices are simple and repetitious. (“How he tried to kill him is he turned on his stomach and almost killed him but Doodle barely lived. Doodles brother taught him to just because he didn't want to take care of him. Doodles brother was very selfish but doodle didn't realize it and doodle thought he was good to him. So ye doodle was really messed to doodle in some ways. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb. Additionally, sentences should begin with capital letters and end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break should be used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs. There are significant errors in spelling and grammar; in particular, the writer’s lack of comma usage affects the readers’ ability to clearly understand the ideas presented in the essay. (“Like a bad example of a Brother is like when Doodles Brother left in the rain and doodle died. There you go that's all I am going to right for this paragraph.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that the narator is a bad person because of all the things he says and does to his brother. The narator "Brother" is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer does not state an effective central/controlling idea. The essay is unfocused, which leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying about the narrator’s positive or negative traits towards Doodle and how his/her ideas relate to the purpose of the essay. (“Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him.”)

The essay reveals inadequate connections among the details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue and the analysis of the literary selection. (“The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make his/her ideas clear and convincing. (“I think that the narator is a bad person because of all the things he says and does to his brother. The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and contains no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The writer does not provide enough information from the text for the readers to understand the connections between the main ideas and events occurring in the story. As a result, the writer does not effectively support his/her ideas about whether the narrator was a good or bad brother to his younger sibling. (“The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother.”)

Due to the brevity of the one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“I think that the narator is a bad person because of all the things he says and does to his brother. The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate; it does not contain a clear sentence that explains what the writer will explore throughout the essay. (“I think that the narator is a bad person because of all the things he says and does to his brother. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices would have helped the writer move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. Brother is not a good brother… ”)

The writer does not include a recognizable conclusion. A strong conclusion should contain a summary of the writer’s main ideas and give the readers a sense of closure. (“Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s ideas are repetitious. (“I think that the narator is a bad person because of all the things he says and does to his brother. The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him. ”)

The structures of some of the sentences combine thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the prompt task. (“Brother is not a good brother because of many reasons like he only helps his brother to walk because of his pride and dosent want people to think less of him. ”)

Many of the sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that sentences have a subject and a verb, begin with capital letters, and end with appropriate punctuation marks. A line break should be used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. There are significant errors in spelling and grammar that distract the readers. (“The narator ‘Brother’ is a mistirious character because he makes his brother do all of this stuff becuase of his pride and not having people think that hhe has a stupid brother or having a mentaly ill brother.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Nature in Robert Frost’s Poetry

Robert Frost is arguably America ’s most famous poet, having won four Pulitzer Prizes and a Congressional Medal. In his poems, he often uses nature to represent the realities of life and the human experience. Select one of his poems, and, in a multi -paragraph essay, analyze the symbolic meaning of nature in this poem. Make sure to include details and examples from the text to support your interpretation.

Score Point 6 – very effectively communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Robert Frost uses nature to symbolize life and how he feels about it. His breathtakingly beautiful portrayal of woods in the winter makes his poem, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” a truly amazing and serene work of art. However, I feel like there is more depth to this poem than the easily perceptible literal meaning. The main symbolism that Robert Frost used in this poem is that of a journey. The journey, I think, is one in which the narrator, a person’s spirit, is taking a time carriage to the unknown future in the person’s dream. Frost’s excellent use of mood, symbolism, imagery, and sound devices is what makes this poem elite to the other ones I have read.

Frost’s soothing mood in this poem plays a critical role in how enchanted the reader feels. By making this poem pensive, and relaxing, Robert captivated his audience’s attention almost immediately. Frost described how beautiful the woods in his poem looked when they were filling up with snow. People can almost lose themselves just listening to the placid descriptions of the “sweep of easy wind and downy flake.” Mood was definitely important in this poem.

Mr. Frost showed many hints of using subtle symbolism in this poem. I believe that the dark wood Frost mentions represents his unknown future. In my opinion, the poem itself is narrated in the voice of a person’s spirit. The line “Whose woods these are I think I know” probably means that the spirit is pretty sure that the wood is his or her human’s future. The horse mentioned was probably pulling the time carriage that the spirit was traveling in. The confused horse must have “given his harness bells a shake” because of the sudden stop at a particular part of the future. In the last phase of the poem, the spirit is admiring the part of the future that he or she stopped in, but realizes that his or her journey through time is not over and he or she has yet a long way to go.

Robert’s use of imagery in this poem added zest to the mood of it. One example of imagery in this poem is the sound of “the sweep of easy wind and downy flake.” This line appeals to both the visual and aural senses. The two phrases “frozen lake” and “darkest evening” both appeal to the visual sense. Many more examples of imagery like these are scattered throughout Frost’s poem.

One sound device Mr. Robert Frost uses in his poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” is repetition. Frost repeats the last line of his poem. Often, poets use repetition to highlight important sections of their poems. This is exactly what Frost did. His last line was key in understanding the inside meaning of his poem. The repeated line ties together the rest of the poem. This crucial line is like the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle.

Another sound device Robert uses in his poem is rhyme. Frost uses a certain intriguing rhyme pattern in his poem. In the first verse, the first, second, and fourth lines rhyme. The third line is the odd one out. The next verse’s first, second, and fourth lines rhyme with the previous verse’s third line. This pattern continues until the last verse, in which all four lines rhyme with the previous verse’s third line. This confusing but interesting rhyme pattern adds to the beauty of Robert’s poem.

Robert Frost’s poem uses a wood to symbolize a person’s future in his poem “Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening.” Frost uses mood and imagery to set the tone of his poem as a pensive one. He uses symbolism to give his poem a deeper meaning than just the beauty of nature. Using sound devices, Robert adds a certain structure and mysterious beauty to his poem. The poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” is superior to all of the other poems I have read in the past because of Robert Frost’s careful and precise use of mood, symbolism, imagery, and sound devices.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates very effective focus and meaning regarding the symbolic use of nature in the poem. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the poem, as he/she discusses several important literary devices used throughout the text, such as mood, symbolism, imagery, and sound devices, while making insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the specific literary techniques he/she describes through the central idea of a symbolic journey through nature. (“The main symbolism that Robert Frost used in this poem is that of a journey. The journey, I think, is one in which the narrator, a person’s spirit, is taking a time carriage to the unknown future in the person’s dream.”)

Content & Development

The content throughout this essay is very effective and strongly developed with many examples from the text cited. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The quotes selected from the text are excellent in showing the symbolic use of nature in the poem. (“One example of imagery in this poem is the sound of ‘the sweep of easy wind and downy flake.’ This line appeals to both the visual and aural senses.”)

Organization

There is very effective organization throughout this essay, as the main idea of the essay is firmly established in the introductory paragraph. The strength of this essay’s organization is shown by the thesis statement placed at the end of the introduction which lays out the four types of literary techniques discussed throughout, providing for a well-structured essay that flows effortlessly from one idea to the next. (“Frost’s excellent use of mood, symbolism, imagery, and sound devices is what makes this poem elite to the other ones I have read”). This essay also demonstrates a strong conclusion with effective use of transitional devices throughout.

Language Use & Style

Throughout this essay, the language use and style are sophisticated, creative, and highly effective. The writer demonstrates precise language use, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and artful word choice that connects well with the subject of the symbolic use of nature; sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Frost’s soothing mood in this poem plays a critical role in how enchanted the reader feels. By making this poem pensive, and relaxing, Robert captivated his audience’s attention almost immediately.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes very effective control of mechanics and conventions. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, and any minor errors that do exist do not interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“His breathtakingly beautiful portrayal of woods in the winter makes his poem, ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,’ a truly amazing and serene work of art.”)

Score Point 5 – strongly communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In Robert Frost’s poem of “The Road Less Traveled” the theme of the poem is making decisions not for others, but for oneself and what one may want in their future. The poem involves the traveler being in a crossroads in which both roads, down the split look to lead to the same destination. Robert Frost uses many descriptive details in nature in order to represent those pathways in which one comes across in life which may decide where they will end up in the future. With nature as his symbols, the reader is able to understand easily the true meaning behind the poem.

In Robert Frost’s poem he uses the woods in order to help project the roadways of life ahead of oneself. One pathway leads to the road less traveled, through which he uses the line “for it was grassy, and wanted wear,” in order to portray the difficulty of the roadway in which more people have avoided. While the other path leads to a more easily traveled pathway more travelers have gone through when coming across this split. With his deep meaningful smbols in nature it is easy to see why he is the famous writer he is.

With his description of the two different roadways he uses the examples of one being traveled along more and the other left as a mysterious pathway for others whom travel in it discover new excitements. Now literally he does not mean one is traveled along more, but rather one pathway in life is being pushed upon oneself by pressures from those around oneself. These pressures can be the mere peer pressure one may get from friends, or from parents whom wish a certain career goal or college they may expect their child to acquire. While the other pathway is a road in which one may discover themselves and make this life altering decision not for what others want, but for what they may want for themselves.

In another verse in the poetry he describes the curiosity to the traveler of both roads by using the line “and sorry I could not travel both,” which shows the reader an example of life and the reality of when a choice is made, there is no going back on it. Robert Frost also uses the verse “but knowing how way lads on to way,” to describe how one thing leads to another, which reenforces the fact that there is no going back on what one chooses to do in life. With his simple yet very deep symbols of nature the reader can easily put himself or herself into the poetry and analyze their own lifestyle to possibly change it for the better.

Robert Frost cleverly uses nature in his poetry to give meaning behind the words in order to grasp the reader’s attention. With the poem “The Road Less Traveled” Robert Frost gives a lesson in which the world should adopt and that is to make choices for oneself, rather than for others. That is the theme of the poem and also the theme in life which Robert Frost tries to display to everybody. Therefore using symbolical meaning in the use of nature Robert Frost has delivered not only a beatiful and descriptive poem, but one that gives an important teaching to all readers.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates good, clear focus and meaning throughout the essay. He/she establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements or techniques through the controlling idea of the use of nature as symbols. (“With nature as his symbols, the reader is able to understand easily the true meaning behind the poem.”)

Content & Development

The content in this essay is clearly developed. Ideas are developed fully, clearly, and descriptively, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence to illustrate the symbolic use of nature in the text, such as the use of the woods in order to portray the idea of the unknown paths one can take in life. (“In Robert Frost’s poem he uses the woods in order to help project the roadways of life ahead of oneself. One pathway leads to the road less traveled, through which he uses the line ‘for it was grassy, and wanted wear,’ in order to portray the difficulty of the roadway in which more people have avoided.”)

Organization

This essay is well-organized throughout with a clear thesis statement as the last line of the introduction and the theme of the poem mentioned in the first line of the introduction. (“In Robert Frost’s poem of ‘The Road Less Traveled’ the theme of the poem is making decisions not for others, but for oneself and what one may want in their future”). The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion and consistent use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative and effective. The essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well-structured with some variety. (“With his simple yet very deep symbols of nature the reader can easily put himself or herself into the poetry and analyze their own lifestyle to possibly change it for the better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and/or spelling are few and minor and do not interfere significantly with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Robert Frost also uses the verse ‘but knowing how way lads on to way,’ to describe how one thing leads to another, which reenforces the fact that there is no going back on what one chooses to do in life.”)

Score Point 4 – adequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Robert Frost uses nature in his poems to symbolize different things. In his poem “The Road Less Traveled,” Robert Frost implements nature to express real-life situations. In his poem, nature symbolizes choices, regret, and looking back. In this essay, I will elaborate on how the use of nature in the poem adds interest and meaning to the whole unit.

To begin with, Nature symbolizes the everyday life decisions that one must make. To prove this idea, he writes “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry i could not travel both.” The roads, which are part of the woods, show the two choices that are available. Right away, the author regrets that he cannot travel both roads simultaneously. Similarly, when there is a choice in real life, such as deciding whether or not to do homework, there is only one path you can take. It would be great to experience both alternatives, however, it is likely that one will choose the road with less consequence even though it is the toughest choice.

In addition, nature also symbolizes regret. After one makes that initial choice, there is no going back. Robert Frost writes, “I doubt that I should ever come back.” This shows that after he chose the first path, he knew that he would not have the opportunity to experience the other path later on. Similarly, if one chooses to fail his classes and ditch school regularly, in the next year or so, when it is time for graduation, there will be regret but there is nothing left to do to change the situation.

Furthermore, the author uses nature to symbolize hindsight. After a decision is made and the consequences are experienced, this is the time when a person can look back and see what the right choice would have been. To prove this point, he writes “I shall be telling this with a sigh.” There are many instances in which a person experiences this feeling and wishes that he or she could have taken the right path.

In conclusion, the theme of nature can be used by any poet to help improve their writing. If it wasn’t for the symbolism created by nature, I would personally not have enjoyed the poem as much. The imagery made me visualize what was going on and experience what the author was experiencing. A poet should always consider including symbolism in their poetry in order to make the poem more enjoyable.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer maintains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the poem and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the symbolism used through the central idea of Frost’s use of nature as symbolism. (“In his poem, ‘The Road Less Traveled,’ Robert Frost implements nature to express real-life situations. In his poem, nature symbolizes choices, regret, and looking back.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development of ideas throughout this essay. Ideas are developed sufficiently with some details and evidence to support the main ideas of nature symbolizing everyday life decisions, regret, and hindsight. (“To begin with, Nature symbolizes the everyday life decisions that one must make. To prove this idea, he writes ‘Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry i could not travel both.’”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates adequate organization in the essay with a basic thesis statement as the last sentence of the introduction, clear main ideas, consistent use of transitional devices, and a generally unified structure with a noticeable, although less strong, introduction and conclusion. (“In conclusion, the theme of nature can be used by any poet to help improve their writing.”)

Language Use & Style

The language use and style in this essay are adequate with appropriate word choice, an apparent voice and awareness of audience, and correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentences and word choice are a bit simpler, yet still correctly used. (“The imagery made me visualize what was going on and experience what the author was experiencing.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout this essay. There are several errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, however, that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“In conclusion, the theme of nature can be used by any poet to help improve their writing.”)

Score Point 3 – partially communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Robert Frost wrote many poems about nature and how it compares to our every day lives. Frost’s insperation came from the woods, fields, and streams of New England where he lived. Frost would take long walks and later would write about the things he saw. Cows in a pasture, flowers in a hayfield, snow on the ground, a dry creek bed or a stone wall, all carried importance and had a meaning to Robert Frost. In his poem The Road Not Taken, Frost comes to a fork in the trail and must choose which path to take. One path is worn from much travel, Frost looks down this path until it bends and continues out of site. The second path is less worn and has grass growing on it, you cant see where this path ends.

The first path, the one that is worn down from much travel, you can look down this path and see where it ends. It is the easiest path to take, the one everyone travels down, so naturaly everyone would expect you to take this same trail. The second trail is the exact opposite, grass grows thick on the untroden trail. No one takes this trail because they are unsure of where it might take them.

In the end the path Frost chose as a poet led him to fame and fortune that he never saw at the end of his trail. His poetry won him the respect and admeration of his fellow poets and fans across the nation and around the world. The path that we chose in our life determins what we will become in our future. We should not let others choose our path for us, when no one would support Frost he went to England where he received the support he couldn’t find in America . But when his work began being published in America he came back to continue writing poems in Vermont .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning. He/she establishes only a basic analysis of the poem and only mentions the basic theme and gives a brief summary of the main ideas of the poem. The writer makes few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and symbolism through a vague controlling idea. (“In his poem The Road Not Taken, Frost comes to a fork in the trail and must choose which path to take”). The conclusion also has a different focus from the rest of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is very limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate details to support the writer’s main ideas. Symbolism is the only literary technique discussed in the essay, and very few examples are mentioned; none are directly quoted. In addition, the one body paragraph is considerably shorter and less detailed than the introductory and conclusion paragraphs. (“The first path, the one that is worn down from much travel, you can look down this path and see where it ends.”)

Organization

There is limited organization throughout this essay. The main idea of the essay is unclear, and there are few transitional devices used to connect ideas from one paragraph to another. In turn, paragraphs are vaguely connected. The writer of the essay also demonstrates evidence of a limited structure with a weak introduction, body, and conclusion. (“The first path, the one that is worn down from much travel, you can look down this path and see where it ends. It is the easiest path to take, the one everyone travels down, so naturaly everyone would expect you to take this same trail. The second trail is the exact opposite, grass grows thick on the untroden trail. No one takes this trail because they are unsure of where it might take them.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style is limited throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and only a somewhat apparent voice. There is little sentence variety and limited word choice. (“Frost would take long walks and later would write about the things he saw.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of the essay maintains only a limited control of mechanics and conventions. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are apparent and may detract from the communication of the intended message. (“His poetry won him the respect and admeration of his fellow poets and fans across the nation and around the world. The path that we chose in our life determins what we will become in our future.”)

Score Point 2 – limited in communication of the writer’s message.

Model Essay

Robert Frost often uses nature to represent the realities of life and the human experience in his poems. In the poem, “Nothing Gold Can Stay”, Robert Frost uses nature to express his feelings towards how innocence is fleeding. In order to support his point he mentions, the Garden of Eden , the sun, and a flower. Robert Frost demonstrates how even though nature and life are two different things, they both have a lot in common.

First of all, to show how Robert Frost uses nature to represent life he stated, “Nature’s first green is gold Her hardest hue to hold.” Life is precious but it won’t stay precious forever. He also says,”Her early leaf’s a flower; but only so an hour.” A flower doesn’t last forever, as time passes they start falling and fading away. Nothing last forever so you should take advantage of things while their still there.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer maintains minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes an incomplete analysis of the poem and an incomplete and confused focus in the two paragraphs of the essay. There is a central idea; however, the word “symbolism” is never even used in the essay to describe the task the writer has undertaken. (“In the poem, ‘Nothing Gold Can Stay’, Robert Frost uses nature to express his feelings towards how innocence is fleeding.”)

Content & Development

The content in this essay is minimal and poorly developed. The one body paragraph contains some good ideas, but they are only briefly and incompletely developed, with few references to the text of the poem. (“In order to support his point he mentions, the Garden of Eden , the sun, and a flower.”)

Organization

The writer of this essay demonstrates only minimal organization. There is little evidence of transitional devices, with only one used. Ideas do not flow naturally from one to the next. (“He also says, ‘Her early leaf’s a flower; but only so an hour.’ A flower doesn’t last forever, as time passes they start falling and fading away”). The essay also has a weak structure, as there are only two paragraphs and no conclusion.

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal skill in language use and style. Language use is weak, with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are apparent, and word choice is quite minimal. (“Nothing lasts forever so you should take advantage of things while their still there.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are found in the essay, which substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s intended message. (“A flower doesn’t last forever, as time passes they start falling and fading away. Nothing last forever so you should take advantage of things while their still there.”)

Score Point 1 – inadequately communicates the writer’s message.

Model Essay

In Poem Nothing Gold can Stay,Rob Frost uses nature to express the importence of life, I think what he was Preaching in realality was Time passes and innocents cannot last forever.On one of Frost verses he stated”Then the leaf subsides to leaf”.I think he was saying Life is fading away as in the leaf is life and we are fading away that was one of my favorite statements he made.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer establishes inadequate focus and meaning. He/she fails to establish a thorough analysis of the symbolic use of nature in the poem and fails to discuss the uses of any literary elements in relation to the analysis of the text. (“In Poem Nothing Gold can Stay, Robert Frost uses nature to express the importence of life, I think what he was Preaching in realality was Time passes and innocents cannot last forever.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates inadequate content with little development. The essay fails to develop ideas and provide an appropriate number of details to support the idea of “the importance of life.” In the two textual references, there is not enough explanation provided to develop a complete thought or idea. (“On one of Frost verses he stated ‘Then the leaf subsides to leaf.’ I think he was saying Life is fading away as in the leaf is life and we are fading away that was one of my favorite statements he made.”)

Organization

In this essay, the main idea is minimally developed, and the writer’s use of organization is inadequate for the required assignment. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with only one general paragraph and no separate introduction or conclusion and little evidence of transitional devices between sentences and ideas. (“In Poem Nothing Gold can Stay,Rob Frost uses nature to express the importence of life, I think what he was Preaching in realality was Time passes and innocents cannot last forever.On one of Frost verses he stated”Then the leaf subsides to leaf”.I think he was saying Life is fading away as in the leaf is life and we are fading away that was one of my favorite statements he made.”)

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style is inadequate, with unclear language use, no awareness of audience or evidence of voice. In addition, there are major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“I think he was saying Life is fading away as in the leaf is life and we are fading away that was one of my favorite statements he made.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer has inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“In Poem Nothing Gold can Stay,Rob Frost uses nature to express the importence of life, I think what he was Preaching in realality was Time passes and innocents cannot last forever.”)

Patterns in Nature and Literature

Robert Frost and Wilson Bentley look closely at nature's patterns in their works. Read Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" and Bentley's "Photographing Snowflakes" to experience their views on the natural world.

After reading Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" and Bentley's "Photographing Snowflakes" write a detailed essay that explains how patterns are essential to understanding nature and literature. Refer to the two works to support your explanation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the classic Disney movie, "The Lion King", the father lion teaches his son before he dies. He tells him how everything living around them is part of an eternal cycle, with no known beginning or end. This 'Circle of Life' starts with the plants, which are eaten by certain animals. These animals are in turn eaten by their predators. Once the predators die, they decompose into dust and dirt, which then starts as a base for plant growth. There are several of these similar patterns in nature, and knowing these simple patterns helps to understand and explain the complicated facts of life. The same could be said with one of our forms of artistic creation, literature. Certain aspects of literature help contribute to the whole of the piece, and add effects where they are needed. Without these patterns found in nature and literature, we would have a hard time understanding the simple, yet at the same time, quite complex subjects that they are.

In nature, there are many patterns that can be found. In a recent article, entitled "Photographing Snowflakes", by Wilson Bentley, it talks of the very detailed patterns required in capturing the beauty of a snowflake. There are certain requirements that have to be met if the snowflakes are to be as impeccable as possible. The temperature has to be cold enough for ice, and yet, it depends upon if the temperature is rising or falling, to determine the best results. The speed of the winds determines how well and how intricately the crystals will form. The snowfall, if not too thick or heavy, will play a major role in the forming as well. Another factor in this equation is the size of the flakes. Photographers tend to prefer medium and small flakes to find their crystals. One of the biggest influences in crystal beauty is where a photographer happens to be located, the photographer's elevation, and how far into the storm it is when a flake is photographed. Still, no matter what the circumstance, a snowflake is never the same as another. This provides a great mystery to nature, as even the simplest of things, like a snowflake, can be complicated. However that may be, a snowflake does have repeating patterns inside of it. This adds even more to the wonder of nature. But, by knowing all these patterns in nature, we can understand nature further, as well as appreciate it more. It is a general fact of life that the more we know, the more we understand, and the more we appreciate something. If we know more about snowflake formation, then we can understand when to try photographing snowflakes. If we know when, then we can get more beautiful results, leading us to appreciate them much more.

Literature is an art in and of itself. It has many different patterns that make it beautiful and amazing, and just like snowflakes; pieces of literature never repeat themselves exactly. In the short poem written by Robert Frost, named "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", it has many examples of patterns that help it to be an amazing poem. First and foremost is the imagery. It helps the reader feel as though he or she was experiencing what is happening in the poem. Another pattern used in the poem is the rhyme scheme. It has a very specific rhyme used, and never does it stray from the pattern. This helps the poem feel consistent and the reader takes in the poem more naturally because of it. The rhythm and the meter also contribute to the flowing of this piece. The rhythm is slow and easy, which gives the poem a more relaxing effect upon the reader. The meter follows what is called as iambic tetrameter. This, simply stated, is the pattern of unstressed followed by stressed syllables repeatedly. This pattern, when recited aloud, can sound very similar to the narrator's horse's hooves. This makes the poem more enticing to read aloud than it would without the pattern. Alliteration and assonance play key roles in making certain words or phrases stand out in a poem, and both of these are aided by repetition, which helps strengthen the other two's effects. Understanding what these poetic devices do helps the reader understand why they were used in the poem, and it could encourage the reader to use the same devices in his own work. When these patterns are known, one understands the significance that they hold, and enjoys the literature more than before the patterns were understood.

Nature and literature are rather similar with their basis being upon patterns. To a person who does not understand the patterns behind both, the subjects of nature and literature can seem complicated. But understanding the whys and the hows behind the patterns seen in both nature and literature helps simplify the incredibly complicated subjects. When a person looks at nature or at literature, and they look for patterns that are present, then they can understand the subjects better, knowing why the patterns are used, and enjoy the subjects even more.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the texts and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and the concept of patterns in nature and literature.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selections. (“In the short poem written by Robert Frost, named ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’, it has many examples of patterns that help it to be an amazing poem. First and foremost is the imagery. It helps the reader feel as though he or she was experiencing what is happening in the poem. Another pattern used in the poem is the rhyme scheme. It has a very specific rhyme used, and never does it stray from the pattern. This helps the poem feel consistent and the reader takes in the poem more naturally because of it. The rhythm and the meter also contribute to the flowing of this piece. The rhythm is slow and easy, which gives the poem a more relaxing effect upon the reader.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Still, no matter what the circumstance, a snowflake is never the same as another. This provides a great mystery to nature, as even the simplest of things, like a snowflake, can be complicated. However that may be, a snowflake does have repeating patterns inside of it. This adds even more to the wonder of nature. But, by knowing all these patterns in nature, we can understand nature further, as well as appreciate it more. It is a general fact of life that the more we know, the more we understand, and the more we appreciate something. If we know more about snowflake formation, then we can understand when to try photographing snowflakes. If we know when, then we can get more beautiful results, leading us to appreciate them much more.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ There are several of these similar patterns in nature, and knowing these simple patterns helps to understand and explain the complicated facts of life. The same could be said with one of our forms of artistic creation, literature. Certain aspects of literature help contribute to the whole of the piece, and add effects where they are needed. Without these patterns found in nature and literature, we would have a hard time understanding the simple, yet at the same time, quite complex subjects that they are.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the texts.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of patterns in nature and literature. (“One of the biggest influences in crystal beauty is where a photographer happens to be located, the photographer's elevation, and how far into the storm it is when a flake is photographed. Still, no matter what the circumstance, a snowflake is never the same as another. This provides a great mystery to nature, as even the simplest of things, like a snowflake, can be complicated. However that may be, a snowflake does have repeating patterns inside of it. This adds even more to the wonder of nature.”)

The essay discusses some literary elements but the readers would be better served if these elements were defined and illustrated, not just mentioned. (“Another pattern used in the poem is the rhyme scheme. It has a very specific rhyme used, and never does it stray from the pattern. This helps the poem feel consistent and the reader takes in the poem more naturally because of it.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the texts to support main ideas. (“The meter follows what is called as iambic tetrameter. This, simply stated, is the pattern of unstressed followed by stressed syllables repeatedly. This pattern, when recited aloud, can sound very similar to the narrator's horse's hooves. This makes the poem more enticing to read aloud than it would without the pattern. Alliteration and assonance play key roles in making certain words or phrases stand out in a poem, and both of these are aided by repetition, which helps strengthen the other two's effects.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing a scene from a Disney film to introduce the ideas of patterns in the circle of life. (“ In the classic Disney movie, ‘The Lion King’, the father lion teaches his son before he dies. He tells him how everything living around them is part of an eternal cycle, with no known beginning or end. This 'Circle of Life' starts with the plants, which are eaten by certain animals. These animals are in turn eaten by their predators. Once the predators die, they decompose into dust and dirt, which then starts as a base for plant growth. There are several of these similar patterns in nature, and knowing these simple patterns helps to understand and explain the complicated facts of life. The same could be said with one of our forms of artistic creation, literature. Certain aspects of literature help contribute to the whole of the piece, and add effects where they are needed. Without these patterns found in nature and literature, we would have a hard time understanding the simple, yet at the same time, quite complex subjects that they are.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Literature is an art in and of itself. It has many different patterns that make it beautiful and amazing, and just like snowflakes; pieces of literature never repeat themselves exactly. In the short poem written by Robert Frost, named ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’, it has many examples of patterns that help it to be an amazing poem. First and foremost is the imagery. It helps the reader feel as though he or she was experiencing what is happening in the poem.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Nature and literature are rather similar with their basis being upon patterns. To a person who does not understand the patterns behind both, the subjects of nature and literature can seem complicated. But understanding the whys and the hows behind the patterns seen in both nature and literature helps simplify the incredibly complicated subjects. When a person looks at nature or at literature, and they look for patterns that are present, then they can understand the subjects better, knowing why the patterns are used, and enjoy the subjects even more.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores many patterns seen in nature and literature with intelligence and insight. (“ But, by knowing all these patterns in nature, we can understand nature further, as well as appreciate it more. It is a general fact of life that the more we know, the more we understand, and the more we appreciate something. If we know more about snowflake formation, then we can understand when to try photographing snowflakes. If we know when, then we can get more beautiful results, leading us to appreciate them much more.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the beauty of patterns found in nature and literature so that by the end of the response, the readers understand how patterns can be found and understood, giving greater appreciation for the experiences available in nature and literature. (“ Alliteration and assonance play key roles in making certain words or phrases stand out in a poem, and both of these are aided by repetition, which helps strengthen the other two's effects. Understanding what these poetic devices do helps the reader understand why they were used in the poem, and it could encourage the reader to use the same devices in his own work. When these patterns are known, one understands the significance that they hold, and enjoys the literature more than before the patterns were understood.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“There are certain requirements that have to be met if the snowflakes are to be as impeccable as possible. The temperature has to be cold enough for ice, and yet, it depends upon if the temperature is rising or falling, to determine the best results. The speed of the winds determines how well and how intricately the crystals will form. The snowfall, if not too thick or heavy, will play a major role in the forming as well.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ One of the biggest influences in crystal beauty is where a photographer happens to be located, the photographer's elevation, and how far into the storm it is when a flake is photographed. Still, no matter what the circumstance, a snowflake is never the same as another. This provides a great mystery to nature, as even the simplest of things, like a snowflake, can be complicated.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are patterns in everything. In the world around us we see patterns in nature and art forms such as poetry and literature. The poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost is a good example of patterns in poetry. Another good example of patterns in literature is the article: "Photographing Snowflakes" by Wilson Bentley. Patterns that are found in these two literary works are the relationship between the two, reoccurring themes and repeated ideas. Patterns help to understand nature and literature by showing relationships between different things.

When comparing the two works, there are many commonalities that can be seen. They are both connected by the theme of snow and snowflakes. They also both discuss the beauty of nature and the delicacy of it. In the poem by Robert Frost, there is a line that says: "The woods are lovely, dark and deep." Here, the woods, and in a sense, nature, is described as lovely. In "Photographing Snowflakes," the snowflakes are referred to with words such as beautiful and fragile. These works are emphasizing the beauty and importance of nature in their own way. By seeing these patterns within literature, the themes and messages are more fully understood.

Reoccurring themes are another way to emphasize an idea. In the article "Photographing Snowflakes," the flakes are always paired with an adjective that expresses how fragile and beautiful they are. They are often referred to as 'crystals.' This could be describing them as precious, like crystals, or of great worth. Snowflakes are very small and "frequently not thicker than heavy paper." They are very easily destroyed if one is not careful, or they can melt before the full observation is completed. This theme is repeated in almost every paragraph of this article so it very evident that it is an important concept of the process of photographing these flakes.

Patterns are also a very large part in poetry. They include things such as the rhyme scheme and the amount of syllables in each line. Images and figures of speech can also create a pattern in a poem. In the poem by Robert Frost, the rhyme scheme is very simple but also very effective. There are four lines in each stanza and four stanzas in the poem. For stanzas one through three, the pattern is AABA, then BBCB and so on. As shown, the rhyme is the same in the stanza except for the third line which sets up the rhyme for the next stanza. This pattern continues until the fourth stanza where the rhyme is kept for all four lines. The concluding two lines of this poem repeat each other. These repeating patterns are great examples of emphasis in literature. When studied, they also can show how knowing the patterns help to understand the themes more fully. A theme in this poem is admiring the beauty of nature and being aware of the surroundings. But along with this, there is also a sense of urgency and a task that is awaiting elsewhere. The rhyme scheme sets up the next paragraph before it is even there. This could show how there is a duty that is needed to be completed and it is awaiting the arrival of this narrator. "But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." This is referring to the urgency of the matter and the rhyme scheme also shows the importance of pressing forward.

In literature, as well as nature and the world around us, there are patterns everywhere. Patterns are used to describe things and to understand how things work. They help to compare and contrast different things in the world. By seeing the patterns in literature, the themes and messages can be more fully understood. Patterns help to show relationships between different things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a fine analysis of the texts and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the texts, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the patterns found in each text. He/she is effective in this approach and maintains that same focus throughout the writing. (“ When comparing the two works, there are many commonalities that can be seen. They are both connected by the theme of snow and snowflakes. They also both discuss the beauty of nature and the delicacy of it. In the poem by Robert Frost, there is a line that says: ‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep.’ Here, the woods, and in a sense, nature, is described as lovely. In ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the snowflakes are referred to with words such as beautiful and fragile. These works are emphasizing the beauty and importance of nature in their own way. By seeing these patterns within literature, the themes and messages are more fully understood. ”)

The writer creates a response that focuses solely on supporting the concept of patterns in nature and literature. (“ Patterns that are found in these two literary works are the relationship between the two, reoccurring themes and repeated ideas. Patterns help to understand nature and literature by showing relationships between different things.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about specific patterns found within the texts. (“ Robert Frost, the rhyme scheme is very simple but also very effective. There are four lines in each stanza and four stanzas in the poem. For stanzas one through three, the pattern is AABA, then BBCB and so on. As shown, the rhyme is the same in the stanza except for the third line which sets up the rhyme for the next stanza. This pattern continues until the fourth stanza where the rhyme is kept for all four lines. The concluding two lines of this poem repeat each other. These repeating patterns are great examples of emphasis in literature. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the texts. The writer develops the ideas, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the texts to support the stated thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of patterns in nature and literature, including specific information from each of the texts to support ideas. (“ These repeating patterns are great examples of emphasis in literature. When studied, they also can show how knowing the patterns help to understand the themes more fully. A theme in this poem is admiring the beauty of nature and being aware of the surroundings. But along with this, there is also a sense of urgency and a task that is awaiting elsewhere. The rhyme scheme sets up the next paragraph before it is even there. This could show how there is a duty that is needed to be completed and it is awaiting the arrival of this narrator. ‘But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.’ This is referring to the urgency of the matter and the rhyme scheme also shows the importance of pressing forward. ”)

The essay includes specific details, direct quotations, and paraphrasing from the texts to support the main ideas. (“When comparing the two works, there are many commonalities that can be seen. They are both connected by the theme of snow and snowflakes. They also both discuss the beauty of nature and the delicacy of it. In the poem by Robert Frost, there is a line that says: ‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep.’ Here, the woods, and in a sense, nature, is described as lovely. In ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the snowflakes are referred to with words such as beautiful and fragile. These works are emphasizing the beauty and importance of nature in their own way. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Reoccurring themes are another way to emphasize an idea. In the article ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the flakes are always paired with an adjective that expresses how fragile and beautiful they are. They are often referred to as ‘crystals.’ This could be describing them as precious, like crystals, or of great worth. Snowflakes are very small and ‘frequently not thicker than heavy paper.’ They are very easily destroyed if one is not careful, or they can melt before the full observation is completed. This theme is repeated in almost every paragraph of this article so it very evident that it is an important concept of the process of photographing these flakes. ”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates solid organization in the response. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The beginning of the essay serves to introduce the readers to the texts and the concept of patterns held within them. (“ There are patterns in everything. In the world around us we see patterns in nature and art forms such as poetry and literature. The poem, ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ by Robert Frost is a good example of patterns in poetry. Another good example of patterns in literature is the article: ‘Photographing Snowflakes’ by Wilson Bentley. Patterns that are found in these two literary works are the relationship between the two, reoccurring themes and repeated ideas. Patterns help to understand nature and literature by showing relationships between different things. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Reoccurring themes are another way to emphasize an idea. In the article ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the flakes are always paired with an adjective that expresses how fragile and beautiful they are. They are often referred to as ‘crystals.’ This could be describing them as precious, like crystals, or of great worth. Snowflakes are very small and ‘frequently not thicker than heavy paper.’ They are very easily destroyed if one is not careful, or they can melt before the full observation is completed. This theme is repeated in almost every paragraph of this article so it very evident that it is an important concept of the process of photographing these flakes.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ In literature, as well as nature and the world around us, there are patterns everywhere. Patterns are used to describe things and to understand how things work. They help to compare and contrast different things in the world. By seeing the patterns in literature, the themes and messages can be more fully understood. Patterns help to show relationships between different things. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer selects word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Reoccurring themes are another way to emphasize an idea. In the article ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the flakes are always paired with an adjective that expresses how fragile and beautiful they are. They are often referred to as ‘crystals.’ This could be describing them as precious, like crystals, or of great worth. Snowflakes are very small and ‘frequently not thicker than heavy paper.’ They are very easily destroyed if one is not careful, or they can melt before the full observation is completed. This theme is repeated in almost every paragraph of this article so it very evident that it is an important concept of the process of photographing these flakes.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ When comparing the two works, there are many commonalities that can be seen. They are both connected by the theme of snow and snowflakes. They also both discuss the beauty of nature and the delicacy of it. In the poem by Robert Frost, there is a line that says: ‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep.’ Here, the woods, and in a sense, nature, is described as lovely. In ‘Photographing Snowflakes,’ the snowflakes are referred to with words such as beautiful and fragile. These works are emphasizing the beauty and importance of nature in their own way. By seeing these patterns within literature, the themes and messages are more fully understood. ”)

The writer’s style demonstrates an understanding of literary elements such as rhyme scheme, which lends credibility with the intended audience. (“ A theme in this poem is admiring the beauty of nature and being aware of the surroundings. But along with this, there is also a sense of urgency and a task that is awaiting elsewhere. The rhyme scheme sets up the next paragraph before it is even there. This could show how there is a duty that is needed to be completed and it is awaiting the arrival of this narrator. ‘But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.’ This is referring to the urgency of the matter and the rhyme scheme also shows the importance of pressing forward.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling that would interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ When studied, they also can show how knowing the patterns help to understand the themes more fully. A theme in this poem is admiring the beauty of nature and being aware of the surroundings. But along with this, there is also a sense of urgency and a task that is awaiting elsewhere. The rhyme scheme sets up the next paragraph before it is even there. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Imagine a planet where everyone and everything on it was the same. No one would be unique or special, and the world would be so dull and boring. Can you imagine reading a poem with no pattern or rhyme? It would be so meaningless! Thankfully, we do not have to live in this world. Our world is very diverse! Everyone is different! Just like how every snowflake is different. Patterns in nature and literature make the world a more interesting place.

First of all, patterns in literature are very important. They are important because they change how we perceive the writing. Take a poem for example, with out any patterns it wouldn't BE a poem! It would look more like an anecdote rather than a poem. Having patterns affect how we perceive the beauty and meaning of poems. For example, in Robert Frosts' "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening" his rhyming patterns create a lullaby affect that soothes the reader while it let's the reader's mind dive into the poem's deeper meanings. What if he had had a different rhyming pattern? The story could have seemed sinister or even scary. Or what if he had not used iambic pentameter? The poem might not have had the same flow as the original. But because of the way Frost used patterns in his poems, they became very well known throughout the world. Also, let's use essays as an example. If there were no patterns in essays, they would seem scatter plotted and not very well thought out. Also they might not be able to compel the reader as well as an organized essay. Without patterns, poems and literature would be boring.

Secondly, patterns are important in nature. They are important because without them, nature would have no order, no laws, and no beauty. For example, patterns in snowflakes are each different based on the weather conditions while the snowflake is being formed. For example, if it is particularly windy on one day, the snowflake is going to be different than one that was formed on a less windy day. But they all have that same hexagonal shape, with six sides. This creates a uniformity among them, while still letting them all be unique. The same rule applies to the Human race. We all have two arms, two legs, two hands, and two feet. But we are all different shapes sizes and colors. We are all very similar yet unique, because we have different parents, different lives, different beliefs, and different situations we face as we go throughout life. We are all special, but all follow the same pattern, just like snowflakes. And that's why having patterns in nature is important.

Furthermore, Wilson Bentley's sacrifice to understand patterns in nature was truly extraordinary. He dedicated his whole life to the science of photographing snowflakes, and trying to understand their patterns and beauty. In many ways, you have to give sacrifices to understand life and people's differences. There have been many a war fought because of people's differences, whether it be race, religion, culture, or ethnicity. So many people have sacrificed their lives trying to create peace among all different sorts of people. Therefore, patterns and differences between people can be negative because they can cause conflict.

In conclusion, patterns in literature and nature are important because they create beauty in depth in literature, and create diversity and uniqueness among people and snowflakes. Without patterns, the world would be a homogenous, boring place. I am so thankful that it is not.Just think how boring our lives would be if everything was the same.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the texts and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selections. The writer selects evidence from both texts to support the concept of patterns in nature and literature. (“The same rule applies to the Human race. We all have two arms, two legs, two hands, and two feet. But we are all different shapes sizes and colors. We are all very similar yet unique, because we have different parents, different lives, different beliefs, and different situations we face as we go throughout life. We are all special, but all follow the same pattern, just like snowflakes. And that's why having patterns in nature is important.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately examines patterns that may be seen in nature and literature. (“…in Robert Frosts' ‘Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening’ his rhyming patterns create a lullaby affect that soothes the reader while it let's the reader's mind dive into the poem's deeper meanings. What if he had had a different rhyming pattern? The story could have seemed sinister or even scary. Or what if he had not used iambic pentameter? The poem might not have had the same flow as the original. But because of the way Frost used patterns in his poems, they became very well known throughout the world.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses to implement the use of comparison in illustrating many of the patterns we see in nature and literature. This is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“…if it is particularly windy on one day, the snowflake is going to be different than one that was formed on a less windy day. But they all have that same hexagonal shape, with six sides. This creates a uniformity among them, while still letting them all be unique. The same rule applies to the Human race. We all have two arms, two legs, two hands, and two feet. But we are all different shapes sizes and colors. We are all very similar yet unique, because we have different parents, different lives, different beliefs, and different situations we face as we go throughout life. We are all special, but all follow the same pattern, just like snowflakes.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts.

The writer generally uses details that relate to the theme of the prompt task. (“Secondly, patterns are important in nature. They are important because without them, nature would have no order, no laws, and no beauty. For example, patterns in snowflakes are each different based on the weather conditions while the snowflake is being formed. For example, if it is particularly windy on one day, the snowflake is going to be different than one that was formed on a less windy day. But they all have that same hexagonal shape, with six sides.”)

The essay should include direct quotations or paraphrasing from the texts to assist in developing the writer’s ideas more clearly and convincingly. (“Take a poem for example, with out any patterns it wouldn't BE a poem! It would look more like an anecdote rather than a poem. Having patterns affect how we perceive the beauty and meaning of poems. For example, in Robert Frosts' ‘Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening’ his rhyming patterns create a lullaby affect that soothes the reader while it let's the reader's mind dive into the poem's deeper meanings. What if he had had a different rhyming pattern? The story could have seemed sinister or even scary.”)

The writer uses some adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“We are all very similar yet unique, because we have different parents, different lives, different beliefs, and different situations we face as we go throughout life. We are all special, but all follow the same pattern, just like snowflakes. And that's why having patterns in nature is important.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Imagine a planet where everyone and everything on it was the same. No one would be unique or special, and the world would be so dull and boring. Can you imagine reading a poem with no pattern or rhyme? It would be so meaningless! Thankfully, we do not have to live in this world. Our world is very diverse! Everyone is different! Just like how every snowflake is different. Patterns in nature and literature make the world a more interesting place.”)

Although the writer uses transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more and varied t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas and minimize repetition. (“ Secondly, patterns are important in nature. They are important because without them, nature would have no order, no laws, and no beauty. For example, patterns in snowflakes are each different based on the weather conditions while the snowflake is being formed. For example, if it is particularly windy on one day, the snowflake is going to be different than one that was formed on a less windy day.”)

The essay includes an adequate conclusion that serves to give the readers a sense of closure. (“ In conclusion, patterns in literature and nature are important because they create beauty in depth in literature, and create diversity and uniqueness among people and snowflakes. Without patterns, the world would be a homogenous, boring place. I am so thankful that it is not.Just think how boring our lives would be if everything was the same. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ The poem might not have had the same flow as the original. But because of the way Frost used patterns in his poems, they became very well known throughout the world. Also, let's use essays as an example. If there were no patterns in essays, they would seem scatter plotted and not very well thought out. Also they might not be able to compel the reader as well as an organized essay. Without patterns, poems and literature would be boring.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice in his/her assertions that patterns are found in nature and literature. (“ Secondly, patterns are important in nature. They are important because without them, nature would have no order, no laws, and no beauty. For example, patterns in snowflakes are each different based on the weather conditions while the snowflake is being formed. For example, if it is particularly windy on one day, the snowflake is going to be different than one that was formed on a less windy day. But they all have that same hexagonal shape, with six sides. This creates a uniformity among them, while still letting them all be unique. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ He dedicated his whole life to the science of photographing snowflakes, and trying to understand their patterns and beauty. In many ways, you have to give sacrifices to understand life and people's differences. There have been many a war fought because of people's differences, whether it be race, religion, culture, or ethnicity. So many people have sacrificed their lives trying to create peace among all different sorts of people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“ Take a poem for example, with out any patterns it wouldn't BE a poem! It would look more like an anecdote rather than a poem. Having patterns affect how we perceive the beauty and meaning of poems. For example, in Robert Frosts' ‘Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening’ his rhyming patterns create a lullaby affect that soothes the reader while it let's the reader's mind dive into the poem's deeper meanings.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem "Stopping by woods on a snowy evening" according to the poem was made in the early 1920's. The evidence I picked was on the bottom of the poem and it showed that I was made a long time ago in New Hampshire. The author is a nature author and you can tell by most of his work. In the nineteen twenties where in New Hampshire there are alot of trees and that was before all of the big cities were built. There you can enjoy and be inspire by the peace and quiet and no the noises of the big city and you can just stop and smell the roses for a change.

Robert frost has a different message of the the poem than we think. We think that it is just a man going on a journey and that he is just stopping to see the sites. It is much more than that. This poem is about a man on a journey and the journey is his life. When he stops and look at the woods he is appreciating what he has in his life and just taking it slow. When he says that he has miles to go before he sleep he is referring to when he dies that he still has a journey to complete we often associate sleeping with death.

In some poems there is a double meaning the if you rather a double of the words every word is important. like the word sleep you would just think it means sleep but if you analyze it then you can see that it also means at peace or death. Some of it is referring to in my opinion of dark time like dark years and you have to push through it and see the best in it. He say that he has promise still to keep. then he says that he has many more years ahead of him. That is the symbolism of the poem "Stopping by woods on a snowy evening.

The poem "photographing snowflakes" it is more that just seeing the snow flakes fall. It is about the technicality of the way to photograph the stunning beauty of the snowflakes. How you have to be very informed on how to photograph them. There is a deeper meaning to this. In my own opinion .I think every poem just like the poem "Stopping by woods on a snowy evening" has something they want to express.

The symbolism behind this is that everyone just like every snowflake is unique. Every thing has an infinite beauty . The think that all of these thing have in common that they are talking about how they are all referring to nature. The symbolism that is going on is that they are all referring to the life of humans. the patterns i see in them is the nature patterns the symbolism patterns and only in the " Stopping by woods on a snowy evening" is that the words all rhyme at the end of the sentence.I think that that is the patterns between the poems which are very similar but distinct at the same time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the texts and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the texts, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer demonstrates an attempt to analyze the texts but does not focus ideas on patterns in nature and literature. (“Robert frost has a different message of the the poem than we think. We think that it is just a man going on a journey and that he is just stopping to see the sites. It is much more than that. This poem is about a man on a journey and the journey is his life. When he stops and look at the woods he is appreciating what he has in his life and just taking it slow. When he says that he has miles to go before he sleep he is referring to when he dies that he still has a journey to complete we often associate sleeping with death.”)

The writer describes some of the literary techniques used in the texts but does not direct most remarks to the theme of patterns in nature and literature. (“In some poems there is a double meaning the if you rather a double of the words every word is important. like the word sleep you would just think it means sleep but if you analyze it then you can see that it also means at peace or death. Some of it is referring to in my opinion of dark time like dark years and you have to push through it and see the best in it. He say that he has promise still to keep. then he says that he has many more years ahead of him. That is the symbolism of the poem ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the prompt task, but overall, his/her focus is devoted to explaining the texts rather than using them to illustrate patterns in nature and literature. (“The poem ’photographing snowflakes’ it is more that just seeing the snow flakes fall. It is about the technicality of the way to photograph the stunning beauty of the snowflakes. How you have to be very informed on how to photograph them. There is a deeper meaning to this. In my own opinion .I think every poem just like the poem ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ has something they want to express.”)

Content & Development

The content and the development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the texts.

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information concerning patterns in nature and literature that connect the essay question to the texts. (“The poem ‘photographing snowflakes’ it is more that just seeing the snow flakes fall. It is about the technicality of the way to photograph the stunning beauty of the snowflakes. How you have to be very informed on how to photograph them. There is a deeper meaning to this. In my own opinion .I think every poem just like the poem ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ has something they want to express.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“The symbolism behind this is that everyone just like every snowflake is unique. Every thing has an infinite beauty . The think that all of these thing have in common that they are talking about how they are all referring to nature. The symbolism that is going on is that they are all referring to the life of humans. the patterns i see in them is the nature patterns the symbolism patterns and only in the ‘ Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ is that the words all rhyme at the end of the sentence.”)

The writer mentions a few ideas from the texts but does not directly relate the examples to the concept of patterns in nature and literature. (“Robert frost has a different message of the the poem than we think. We think that it is just a man going on a journey and that he is just stopping to see the sites. It is much more than that. This poem is about a man on a journey and the journey is his life. When he stops and look at the woods he is appreciating what he has in his life and just taking it slow. When he says that he has miles to go before he sleep he is referring to when he dies that he still has a journey to complete we often associate sleeping with death.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing and uses transitional devices in a very limited way.

The writer attempts to provide background information in the introduction but lacks a controlling thesis to guide the readers through the essay. (“ The poem ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ according to the poem was made in the early 1920's. The evidence I picked was on the bottom of the poem and it showed that I was made a long time ago in New Hampshire. The author is a nature author and you can tell by most of his work. In the nineteen twenties where in New Hampshire there are alot of trees and that was before all of the big cities were built. ”)

The lack of t ransitional devices hinders the writer’s ability to connect his/her ideas in a meaningful way. (“ In some poems there is a double meaning the if you rather a double of the words every word is important. like the word sleep you would just think it means sleep but if you analyze it then you can see that it also means at peace or death. Some of it is referring to in my opinion of dark time like dark years and you have to push through it and see the best in it. He say that he has promise still to keep. then he says that he has many more years ahead of him. That is the symbolism of the poem ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening. ”)

The conclusion is weak and repetitive. (“ The symbolism that is going on is that they are all referring to the life of humans. the patterns i see in them is the nature patterns the symbolism patterns and only in the ‘ Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ is that the words all rhyme at the end of the sentence.I think that that is the patterns between the poems which are very similar but distinct at the same time. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ There you can enjoy and be inspire by the peace and quiet and no the noises of the big city and you can just stop and smell the roses for a change. ”)

The repetition of ideas does not add to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ We think that it is just a man going on a journey and that he is just stopping to see the sites. It is much more than that. This poem is about a man on a journey and the journey is his life. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ In some poems there is a double meaning the if you rather a double of the words every word is important. like the word sleep you would just think it means sleep but if you analyze it then you can see that it also means at peace or death. Some of it is referring to in my opinion of dark time like dark years and you have to push through it and see the best in it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ The think that all of these thing have in common that they are talking about how they are all referring to nature. The symbolism that is going on is that they are all referring to the life of humans. the patterns i see in them is the nature patterns the symbolism patterns and only in the ‘ Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ is that the words all rhyme at the end of the sentence.I think that that is the patterns between the poems which are very similar but distinct at the same time. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Patterns in natrue and literature

Patterns in literature and nature are essential. For starters they help the rythme can you have a good song or peom without rythme? There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as "Stopping by woods on a snowy evening" a poem by Robert Frost. He uses patterns to in a way merge into the next sentence then restart, he keeps his poem focused on nature and his surroundings. "to watch his woods fill with snow","Between woods and frozen lake of easy wind and downy flake" these are some examples of his poem his use eords that rhyme and form a pattern. Patterns in literature are essential from what ive learned in Frost's poem and what i've learned on my own I liek to write rap's there differnet from a poem or a song but at the same time theres not much of a difference I use patterns, emotion, and feelings to express things.

"photographing Snowflakes" is to me more of a informational type article it states that bentley uses a balckboard to capture snoeflakes. Each snowflake is diiferent it says they all have the same build but are unique in there own way again just as Frost does Bentley uses patterns. these were both great pieces so in conclusion in my opinion patterns are essnetial to literature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions patterns as essential in literature; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Patterns in literature and nature are essential. For starters they help the rythme can you have a good song or peom without rythme? There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ a poem by Robert Frost. He uses patterns to in a way merge into the next sentence then restart, he keeps his poem focused on nature and his surroundings.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the presence of patterns in nature and literature. (“ Patterns in literature are essential from what ive learned in Frost's poem and what i've learned on my own I liek to write rap's there differnet from a poem or a song but at the same time theres not much of a difference I use patterns, emotion, and feelings to express things. ”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the importance of patterns in nature and literature. (“ ‘photographing Snowflakes’ is to me more of a informational type article it states that bentley uses a balckboard to capture snoeflakes. Each snowflake is diiferent it says they all have the same build but are unique in there own way again just as Frost does Bentley uses patterns. these were both great pieces so in conclusion in my opinion patterns are essnetial to literature.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the texts for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information that connects the essay question to the texts. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of patterns in nature and literature but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand this concept in a meaningful way. (“‘to watch his woods fill with snow’,’Between woods and frozen lake of easy wind and downy flake’ these are some examples of his poem his use eords that rhyme and form a pattern. Patterns in literature are essential from what ive learned in Frost's poem and what i've learned on my own I liek to write rap's there differnet from a poem or a song but at the same time theres not much of a difference I use patterns, emotion, and feelings to express things.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the texts) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“‘photographing Snowflakes’ is to me more of a informational type article it states that bentley uses a balckboard to capture snoeflakes. Each snowflake is diiferent it says they all have the same build but are unique in there own way again just as Frost does Bentley uses patterns. these were both great pieces so in conclusion in my opinion patterns are essnetial to literature.”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Patterns in literature and nature are essential. For starters they help the rythme can you have a good song or peom without rythme? There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ a poem by Robert Frost. He uses patterns to in a way merge into the next sentence then restart, he keeps his poem focused on nature and his surroundings. ‘to watch his woods fill with snow’,’Between woods and frozen lake of easy wind and downy flake’ these are some examples of his poem his use eords that rhyme and form a pattern.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. There is minimal structure, with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Patterns in literature and nature are essential. For starters they help the rythme can you have a good song or peom without rythme? There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ a poem by Robert Frost.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that effectively reflect the theme of patterns in nature and literature. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Patterns in literature are essential from what ive learned in Frost's poem and what i've learned on my own I liek to write rap's there differnet from a poem or a song but at the same time theres not much of a difference I use patterns, emotion, and feelings to express things.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Each snowflake is diiferent it says they all have the same build but are unique in there own way again just as Frost does Bentley uses patterns. these were both great pieces so in conclusion in my opinion patterns are essnetial to literature. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Patterns in literature are essential from what ive learned in Frost's poem and what i've learned on my own I liek to write rap's there differnet from a poem or a song but at the same time theres not much of a difference I use patterns, emotion, and feelings to express things.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many sentences in the essay response. (“ There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ a poem by Robert Frost. He uses patterns to in a way merge into the next sentence then restart, he keeps his poem focused on nature and his surroundings.”)

Sentence structures are very weak and hinder the communication of the writer’s message. (“‘ photographing Snowflakes’ is to me more of a informational type article it states that bentley uses a balckboard to capture snoeflakes. Each snowflake is diiferent it says they all have the same build but are unique in there own way again just as Frost does Bentley uses patterns. these were both great pieces so in conclusion in my opinion patterns are essnetial to literature.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Patterns in literature and nature are essential. For starters they help the rythme can you have a good song or peom without rythme? There a way of expressing feelings and emotion or the can be used to tell a story such as ‘Stopping by woods on a snowy evening’ a poem by Robert Frost. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Patterns and nature are both different things. but in lots of ways they could be the same, like snow flakes have patterns so do poems.

If you think about snow flakes patterns and literature alot they really are the same there ,patterns ,just anything any way that you want to explain them.

Snow flakes are pointy or round you could make literature pointy or round.

Literature could be cold as a snow flake its just the way you write or talk or even use expressions!

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the response. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the texts. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what the writer is conveying from the texts. The response is unfocused and the ideas are unorganized. (“If you think about snow flakes patterns and literature alot they really are the same there ,patterns ,just anything any way that you want to explain them. Snow flakes are pointy or round you could make literature pointy or round.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details that would support the idea of patterns in nature and literature. (“Literature could be cold as a snow flake its just the way you write or talk or even use expressions!”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“Patterns and nature are both different things. but in lots of ways they could be the same, like snow flakes have patterns so do poems.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and there are no meaningful references to the texts to support the writer’s assertions.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information that connect the essay question to the texts. (“Patterns and nature are both different things. but in lots of ways they could be the same, like snow flakes have patterns so do poems.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the texts) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Snow flakes are pointy or round you could make literature pointy or round.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“If you think about snow flakes patterns and literature alot they really are the same there ,patterns ,just anything any way that you want to explain them.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Patterns and nature are both different things. but in lots of ways they could be the same, like snow flakes have patterns so do poems.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ If you think about snow flakes patterns and literature alot they really are the same there ,patterns ,just anything any way that you want to explain them. Snow flakes are pointy or round you could make literature pointy or round.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Literature could be cold as a snow flake its just the way you write or talk or even use expressions!”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on sentences in the essay. (“ Literature could be cold as a snow flake its just the way you write or talk or even use expressions!”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ If you think about snow flakes patterns and literature alot they really are the same there ,patterns ,just anything any way that you want to explain them.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Snow flakes are pointy or round you could make literature pointy or round.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Personal Response to Literature

Personal response to a book can include reactions to events, characters, symbols, themes, questions about situations, or some aspect which interests you or has meaning to you. A personal response is not a plot summary, character sketch, or explanation of a literary element. Can you personally relate to any events in a book you have recently read? Does an event or character stand out as noteworthy?

In a letter to your teacher, write a personal response to a book you have recently read. Quote passages from the work to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. Gailey:

The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy is a thrilling novel that I enjoyed every minute of. It is an adventure with many twists and turns; things quite unexpected occur. I could not put it down and was eager to see how everything turned out in the end. Hardy really developed the characters in an incredible way that captivates you and makes you have very strong opinions about them.

As I said before, this novel has many twists and turns. The plot is just incredible. At the beginning of the story a wife and daughter are sold to a man by the name of Newson. This in itself is a surprising occurrence, especially at the beginning of the novel! How horrid! To top it all off, the wife thought it a perfectly legal and binding thing. Immediately we get an opinion of the man, known as Michael Henchard, that does this disturbing thing. The child, Elizabeth-Jane, lives her entire youth believing Newson to be her real father, while the audience thinks they know that Henchard is her real father--but is he really? The reader, and many of the characters, go on believing things that they think are the truth, but they turn out not to be in the end. That is something I really like about this book--the mystery and never knowing what to expect. In fact, you do not even know that you do not know what to expect! It’s crazy!

My favorite character is Elizabeth-Jane, who is one of the main characters. I admire here very much for her courage, innocence, love, and selflessness. She goes through many trials that could turn any person bitter and hateful towards those that caused her pain. Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her. Elizabeth-Jane is a person that I hope I can be more like. I am sure that my heart will be broken in life, but I cannot let it ruin friendships. I hope that I can always be brave and try to see the good in people, reaching out to even those that hurt me or dislike me.

One of the people that cause her much suffering is Michael Henchard, whom is thought to be her real father for a long time. Elizabeth-Jane is informed by him at the death of her mother that he is truly her father. Later that night, however, Mr. Henchard discovers a secret that his wife kept from him. Elizabeth-Jane was not his Elizabeth-Jane. His Elizabeth-Jane had passed away. This is entirely unexpected. Suddenly everything that the reader is thinking changes. Henchard, in his selfishness, keeps the secret and takes his anger out on his poor step child. Eventually she cannot take the harsh treatment anymore and moves out. However, she later returns to her father ready to give him another chance. “While living on thus quietly she heard the news that Henchard had caught cold and was confined to his room...She went off to his house at once. This time she was determined not to be denied admittance, and made her way upstairs. He was sitting up in the bed with a great-coat round him, and at first resented her intrusion. ‘Go away--go away,’ he said. ‘ I don’t like to see ye!’” ...However, the ice was broken, and she remained. She made the room more comfortable, gave directions to the people below, and by the time she went away had reconciled her stepfather to her visiting him.” (Thomas Hardy: Complete and Unabridged Five Novels, The Mayor of Casterbridge. pg. 660).

I do not know about you, but I would have the hardest time loving Elizabeth-Jane’s stepfather. I despise him with a passion. In a way I do feel a bit sorry for him; he destroys his life and his chance for happiness by letting pride, pain, and hatred overtake him. He did many things to hurt Elizabeth-Jane. She may not have been his true daughter, but they still could have been great friends. When he first begins to be cruel to her, the poor little thing tries with all her might to make him happy. “These domestic exhibitions were the small protruding needle-rocks which suggested rather than revealed what was underneath. But his passion had less terror for her than his coldness. The increasing frequency of the latter mood told her the sad news that he disliked her with a growing dislike. The more interesting that her appearance and manners became under the softening influences which she could now command, and in her wisdom did command, the more she seemed to estrange him. Sometimes she caught him looking at her with a luring invidiousness that she could hardly bear. Not knowing his secret, it was cruel mockery that she should for the first time excite his animosity when she had taken his surname.” (Thomas Hardy: Complete and Unabridged Five Novels, The Mayor of Casterbridge, pg. 602).

Elizabeth-Jane, as well as the reader, falls in love with a young man known as Donald Farfare. He seems to be perfect. Hardy wanted the audience to feel that way at first--he seemed like a perfect prince charming. However, Thomas Hardy wanted the world of young women to see that not even prince charming is perfect. He, like any other young man, can be incredibly stupid. Everyone expects him to sweep is young Princess Elizabeth right away. Well, can you guess? That does not happen. Farfare meets Lucetta--Lucetta who is mysterious and not quite lovable. I found myself wanting to like her, but was never able to because she had something about her that I could not trust. What Farfare saw in her to make him think he was in love I do not know. I just known, that like a typical young man, he is blind as the sun makes you when you stare right at it. However, secrets are discovered about Lucetta. What will Farfare decide his heart truly belongs?

This compelling novel has a surprise on every page. The characters were all strongly developed, even if some of them were mysterious and had many secrets. The story could not have gone on without any of them. I hope that one day I can amaze the world with a brilliant book.

Sincerely,

Student A

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“As I said before, this novel has many twists and turns. The plot is just incredible. At the beginning of the story a wife and daughter are sold to a man by the name of Newson. This in itself is a surprising occurrence, especially at the beginning of the novel! How horrid! To top it all off, the wife thought it a perfectly legal and binding thing. Immediately we get an opinion of the man, known as Michael Henchard, that does this disturbing thing. The child, Elizabeth-Jane, lives her entire youth believing Newson to be her real father, while the audience thinks they know that Henchard is her real father--but is he really? The reader, and many of the characters, go on believing things that they think are the truth, but they turn out not to be in the end. That is something I really like about this book--the mystery and never knowing what to expect. In fact, you do not even know that you do not know what to expect! It’s crazy!”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“My favorite character is Elizabeth-Jane, who is one of the main characters. I admire here very much for her courage, innocence, love, and selflessness. She goes through many trials that could turn any person bitter and hateful towards those that caused her pain. Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her. Elizabeth-Jane is a person that I hope I can be more like. I am sure that my heart will be broken in life, but I cannot let it ruin friendships. I hope that I can always be brave and try to see the good in people, reaching out to even those that hurt me or dislike me.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea and includes details regarding the writer’s personal response to the text, specifically highlighting information about how he/she feels toward the characters. (“ The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy is a thrilling novel that I enjoyed every minute of. It is an adventure with many twists and turns; things quite unexpected occur. I could not put it down and was eager to see how everything turned out in the end. Hardy really developed the characters in an incredible way that captivates you and makes you have very strong opinions about them. …I do not know about you, but I would have the hardest time loving Elizabeth-Jane's stepfather. I despise him with a passion. In a way I do feel a bit sorry for him; he destroys his life and his chance for happiness by letting pride, pain, and hatred overtake him. He did many things to hurt Elizabeth-Jane. She may not have been his true daughter, but they still could have been great friends. When he first begins to be cruel to her, the poor little thing tries with all her might to make him happy.”)

Content & Development

Very effective content and development are seen in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text, including quotations from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“My favorite character is Elizabeth-Jane, who is one of the main characters. I admire here very much for her courage, innocence, love, and selflessness. She goes through many trials that could turn any person bitter and hateful towards those that caused her pain. Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her. Elizabeth-Jane is a person that I hope I can be more like. I am sure that my heart will be broken in life, but I cannot let it ruin friendships. I hope that I can always be brave and try to see the good in people, reaching out to even those that hurt me or dislike me.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“One of the people that cause her much suffering is Michael Henchard, whom is thought to be her real father for a long time. Elizabeth-Jane is informed by him at the death of her mother that he is truly her father. Later that night, however, Mr. Henchard discovers a secret that his wife kept from him. Elizabeth-Jane was not his Elizabeth-Jane. His Elizabeth-Jane had passed away. This is entirely unexpected. Suddenly everything that the reader is thinking changes. Henchard, in his selfishness, keeps the secret and takes his anger out on his poor step child. Eventually she cannot take the harsh treatment anymore and moves out. However, she later returns to her father ready to give him another chance. ‘While living on thus quietly she heard the news that Henchard had caught cold and was confined to his room...She went off to his house at once. This time she was determined not to be denied admittance, and made her way upstairs. He was sitting up in the bed with a great-coat round him, and at first resented her intrusion. ‘Go away--go away,’ he said. ‘ I don't like to see ye!’ ...However, the ice was broken, and she remained. She made the room more comfortable, gave directions to the people below, and by the time she went away had reconciled her stepfather to her visiting him.’(Thomas Hardy: Complete and Unabridged Five Novels, The Mayor of Casterbridge. pg. 660)”).

The essay includes details regarding specific information about plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“As I said before, this novel has many twists and turns. The plot is just incredible. At the beginning of the story a wife and daughter are sold to a man by the name of Newson. This in itself is a surprising occurrence, especially at the beginning of the novel! How horrid! To top it all off, the wife thought it a perfectly legal and binding thing. Immediately we get an opinion of the man, known as Michael Henchard, that does this disturbing thing. The child, Elizabeth-Jane, lives her entire youth believing Newson to be her real father, while the audience thinks they know that Henchard is her real father--but is he really? The reader, and many of the characters, go on believing things that they think are the truth, but they turn out not to be in the end. That is something I really like about this book--the mystery and never knowing what to expect. In fact, you do not even know that you do not know what to expect! It’s crazy!”)

The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ One of the people that cause her much suffering is Michael Henchard, whom is thought to be her real father for a long time. Elizabeth-Jane is informed by him at the death of her mother that he is truly her father. Later that night, however, Mr. Henchard discovers a secret that his wife kept from him. Elizabeth-Jane was not his Elizabeth-Jane. His Elizabeth-Jane had passed away. This is entirely unexpected. Suddenly everything that the reader is thinking changes. Henchard, in his selfishness, keeps the secret and takes his anger out on his poor step child. Eventually she cannot take the harsh treatment anymore and moves out. However, she later returns to her father ready to give him another chance. ‘While living on thus quietly she heard the news that Henchard had caught cold and was confined to his room...She went off to his house at once. This time she was determined not to be denied admittance, and made her way upstairs. He was sitting up in the bed with a great-coat round him, and at first resented her intrusion. ‘Go away--go away,’ he said. ‘ I don't like to see ye!’”)

Organization

Very effective organization is displayed in this essay. The writing demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ Dear Mrs. Gailey:

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As I said before, this novel has many twists and turns. … Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ This compelling novel has a surprise on every page. The characters were all strongly developed, even if some of them were mysterious and had many secrets. The story could not have gone on without any of them. I hope that one day I can amaze the world with a brilliant book. Sincerely, Student A”)

The introduction and the conclusion are very effectively connected through the idea of the author’s strong use of character development in the novel discussed in the essay. (“ Dear Mrs. Gailey: The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy is a thrilling novel that I enjoyed every minute of. It is an adventure with many twists and turns; things quite unexpected occur. I could not put it down and was eager to see how everything turned out in the end. Hardy really developed the characters in an incredible way that captivates you and makes you have very strong opinions about them. …This compelling novel has a surprise on every page. The characters were all strongly developed, even if some of them were mysterious and had many secrets. The story could not have gone on without any of them. I hope that one day I can amaze the world with a brilliant book. Sincerely, Student A”).

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective use of language and style. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used throughout.

The language and tone are consistent, with sentences of various lengths throughout, as well as a strong sense of voice. (“ As I said before, this novel has many twists and turns. The plot is just incredible. At the beginning of the story a wife and daughter are sold to a man by the name of Newson. This in itself is a surprising occurrence, especially at the beginning of the novel! How horrid! To top it all off, the wife thought it a perfectly legal and binding thing. Immediately we get an opinion of the man, known as Michael Henchard, that does this disturbing thing. The child, Elizabeth-Jane, lives her entire youth believing Newson to be her real father, while the audience thinks they know that Henchard is her real father--but is he really? The reader, and many of the characters, go on believing things that they think are the truth, but they turn out not to be in the end. That is something I really like about this book--the mystery and never knowing what to expect. In fact, you do not even know that you do not know what to expect! It’s crazy!”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of each paragraph are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ My favorite character is Elizabeth-Jane, who is one of the main characters. I admire here very much for her courage, innocence, love, and selflessness. She goes through many trials that could turn any person bitter and hateful towards those that caused her pain. Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her. Elizabeth-Jane is a person that I hope I can be more like. I am sure that my heart will be broken in life, but I cannot let it ruin friendships. I hope that I can always be brave and try to see the good in people, reaching out to even those that hurt me or dislike me. …One of the people that cause her much suffering is Michael Henchard, whom is thought to be her real father for a long time. Elizabeth-Jane is informed by him at the death of her mother that he is truly her father. Later that night, however, Mr. Henchard discovers a secret that his wife kept from him. Elizabeth-Jane was not his Elizabeth-Jane. His Elizabeth-Jane had passed away. This is entirely unexpected. Suddenly everything that the reader is thinking changes. Henchard, in his selfishness, keeps the secret and takes his anger out on his poor step child. Eventually she cannot take the harsh treatment anymore and moves out. However, she later returns to her father ready to give him another chance. ‘While living on thus quietly she heard the news that Henchard had caught cold and was confined to his room...She went off to his house at once. This time she was determined not to be denied admittance, and made her way upstairs. He was sitting up in the bed with a great-coat round him, and at first resented her intrusion. 'Go away--go away,’ he said. ‘ I don't like to see ye!’ ...However, the ice was broken, and she remained. She made the room more comfortable, gave directions to the people below, and by the time she went away had reconciled her stepfather to her visiting him.’ (Thomas Hardy: Complete and Unabridged Five Novels, The Mayor of Casterbridge. pg. 660).”)

The compound sentence, “ I am sure that my heart will be broken in life, but I cannot let it ruin friendships,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated throughout this essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Elizabeth-Jane, as well as the reader, falls in love with a young man known as Donald Farfare.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark and demonstrates the correct use of punctuation throughout. (“ Instead, however, she thinks about other people, even reaching out to those that did terrible wrong to her.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter and demonstrates the correct use of capitalization throughout. (“ Later that night, however, Mr. Henchard discovers a secret that his wife kept from him.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Ms. Gailey,

The book I have chosen to read was “The Count of Monte Cristo” by, Alexandre Dumas. The book ranks the best book I have ever read. It ranks the best because, “It contains all the elements of compelling drama”, which the description on the back of the book sais . But, what I like the most is that it is during the post-Napoleonic era, and it contains suspense, love, mystery, jealousy and adventure. My favorite characters were Vicomt Albert de Morcerf, Maximillian Morrel, and of course, Edmond Dantes. These were my favorite characters because of their nobility, bravery, and Edmond Dantes’ cunningness and slyness. Many events that happen in this book has really put an effect on my life and has changed my point of view of many things. I’ve also learned a lot of life lessons in this book, that i know will help me in the rest of my life.

The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: “Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow”. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also.

The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. These two, mother and son, have the greatest personalities,and are very alike. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother. What I learned about these two, was the power of motherhood. After embarrassing Monte Cristo(Edmond Dantes) in public, Albert de Morcerf was about to be killed in a duel with Monte Cristo. Mercedes, with the heart of a true mother, cried and pleaded to Monte Cristo, for the life of her son, and her son was saved. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf was very proud of his mother. Mercedes and Albert have a very important role in the book, and they have changed my view of my mother and siblings, and that I am very greatful I have a mother like Mercedes.

The most important thing that I learned, is found in the trials and tribulations that Monte Cristo goes through. After finding out who has put him in the "Chatuea d’If”, for the rest of his life, everyday, Count of Monte Cristo would repeat his oath of getting revenge against those who have made his life miserable. While he was in jail, after the Abbe Faria told Monte Cristo of the treasure, the Abbe would repeat to Monte Cristo, to never use the money for vengeance and that it will lead to misfortune, and he was right. The Count of Monte Cristo, did not heed to the words of the Abbe Faria, and sought revenge on all his enemies, and his vengeance got out of hand. Things happened, that weren’t supposed to happen, many people died, his best friends love almost died, a mother and son have committed suicide, and much more sad things. Monte Cristo ended changing his plans, and everyone’s life has changed dramatically. I learned that revenge, is never the way! I have enemies, and so do many people, but, I have learned that forgiveness is stronger that revenge, no matter how strong revenge may seem.

I am very greatful for this assignment that I had to read this wonderful book. Like I said in the beginning, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons, and it has really effected my life. I've learned the lessons of revenge, the power of love, and the power of jealousy. Out of all the books I’ve read, this is my favorite, and I’ll never forget it. Thanks, again!

Sincerely,

Student B

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling idea.

The writer communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: ‘Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow’. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also.”)

The response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“ The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. These two, mother and son, have the greatest personalities,and are very alike. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother. What I learned about these two, was the power of motherhood. After embarrassing Monte Cristo(Edmond Dantes) in public, Albert de Morcerf was about to be killed in a duel with Monte Cristo. Mercedes, with the heart of a true mother, cried and pleaded to Monte Cristo, for the life of her son, and her son was saved. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf was very proud of his mother. Mercedes and Albert have a very important role in the book, and they have changed my view of my mother and siblings, and that I am very greatful I have a mother like Mercedes.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. These two, mother and son, have the greatest personalities,and are very alike. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother. What I learned about these two, was the power of motherhood. After embarrassing Monte Cristo(Edmond Dantes) in public, Albert de Morcerf was about to be killed in a duel with Monte Cristo. Mercedes, with the heart of a true mother, cried and pleaded to Monte Cristo, for the life of her son, and her son was saved. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf was very proud of his mother. Mercedes and Albert have a very important role in the book, and they have changed my view of my mother and siblings, and that I am very greatful I have a mother like Mercedes.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea of the essay. (“ The most important thing that I learned, is found in the trials and tribulations that Monte Cristo goes through. After finding out who has put him in the “Chatuea d’If”, for the rest of his life, everyday, Count of Monte Cristo would repeat his oath of getting revenge against those who have made his life miserable. While he was in jail, after the Abbe Faria told Monte Cristo of the treasure, the Abbe would repeat to Monte Cristo, to never use the money for vengeance and that it will lead to misfortune, and he was right. The Count of Monte Cristo, did not heed to the words of the Abbe Faria, and sought revenge on all his enemies, and his vengeance got out of hand. Things happened, that weren’t supposed to happen, many people died, his best friends love almost died, a mother and son have committed suicide, and much more sad things. Monte Cristo ended changing his plans, and everyone’s life has changed dramatically. I learned that revenge, is never the way! I have enemies, and so do many people, but, I have learned that forgiveness is stronger that revenge, no matter how strong revenge may seem.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays evidence of good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text, including quotations from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: ‘Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow’. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also.”)

The essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. These two, mother and son, have the greatest personalities,and are very alike. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother. What I learned about these two, was the power of motherhood. After embarrassing Monte Cristo(Edmond Dantes) in public, Albert de Morcerf was about to be killed in a duel with Monte Cristo. Mercedes, with the heart of a true mother, cried and pleaded to Monte Cristo, for the life of her son, and her son was saved. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf was very proud of his mother. Mercedes and Albert have a very important role in the book, and they have changed my view of my mother and siblings, and that I am very greatful I have a mother like Mercedes.”)

The essay includes good details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: ‘Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow’. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: ‘Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow’. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a profound quotation. (“ Dear Ms. Gailey, The book I have chosen to read was “The Count of Monte Cristo” by, Alexandre Dumas. The book ranks the best book I have ever read. It ranks the best because, ‘It contains all the elements of compelling drama’, which the description on the back of the book sais . But, what I like the most is that it is during the post-Napoleonic era, and it contains suspense, love, mystery, jealousy and adventure. My favorite characters were Vicomt Albert de Morcerf, Maximillian Morrel, and of course, Edmond Dantes. These were my favorite characters because of their nobility, bravery, and Edmond Dantes’ cunningness and slyness. Many events that happen in this book has really put an effect on my life and has changed my point of view of many things. I’ve also learned a lot of life lessons in this book, that i know will help me in the rest of my life.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ The book I have chosen to read was “The Count of Monte Cristo” by, Alexandre Dumas. The book ranks the best book I have ever read. It ranks the best because, ‘It contains all the elements of compelling drama’, which the description on the back of the book sais . But, what I like the most is that it is during the post-Napoleonic era, and it contains suspense, love, mystery, jealousy and adventure. My favorite characters were Vicomt Albert de Morcerf, Maximillian Morrel, and of course, Edmond Dantes. These were my favorite characters because of their nobility, bravery, and Edmond Dantes’ cunningness and slyness. Many events that happen in this book has really put an effect on my life and has changed my point of view of many things. I’ve also learned a lot of life lessons in this book, that i know will help me in the rest of my life.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. … The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. … The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf.”)

The conclusion effectively teaches readers lessons the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ I am very greatful for this assignment that I had to read this wonderful book. Like I said in the beginning, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons, and it has really effected my life. I’ve learned the lessons of revenge, the power of love, and the power of jealousy. Out of all the books I've read, this is my favorite, and I’ll never forget it. Thanks, again! Sincerely, Student B”)

The introduction and the conclusion are very effectively connected through the writer’s reference to the lessons he/she has learned as a result of reading the text. (“ Dear Ms. Gailey, The book I have chosen to read was “The Count of Monte Cristo” by, Alexandre Dumas. The book ranks the best book I have ever read. It ranks the best because, ‘It contains all the elements of compelling drama’, which the description on the back of the book sais . But, what I like the most is that it is during the post-Napoleonic era, and it contains suspense, love, mystery, jealousy and adventure. My favorite characters were Vicomt Albert de Morcerf, Maximillian Morrel, and of course, Edmond Dantes. These were my favorite characters because of their nobility, bravery, and Edmond Dantes’ cunningness and slyness. Many events that happen in this book has really put an effect on my life and has changed my point of view of many things. I’ve also learned a lot of life lessons in this book, that i know will help me in the rest of my life. … I am very greatful for this assignment that I had to read this wonderful book. Like I said in the beginning, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons, and it has really effected my life. I’ve learned the lessons of revenge, the power of love, and the power of jealousy. Out of all the books I've read, this is my favorite, and I’ll never forget it. Thanks, again! Sincerely, Student B”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The most important thing that I learned, is found in the trials and tribulations that Monte Cristo goes through. After finding out who has put him in the “Chatuea d’If”, for the rest of his life, everyday, Count of Monte Cristo would repeat his oath of getting revenge against those who have made his life miserable. While he was in jail, after the Abbe Faria told Monte Cristo of the treasure, the Abbe would repeat to Monte Cristo, to never use the money for vengeance and that it will lead to misfortune, and he was right. The Count of Monte Cristo, did not heed to the words of the Abbe Faria, and sought revenge on all his enemies, and his vengeance got out of hand. Things happened, that weren't supposed to happen, many people died, his best friends love almost died, a mother and son have committed suicide, and much more sad things. Monte Cristo ended changing his plans, and everyone’s life has changed dramatically. I learned that revenge, is never the way! I have enemies, and so do many people, but, I have learned that forgiveness is stronger that revenge, no matter how strong revenge may seem.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ The first event that stood out to me was when M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego wrote the letter that put Edmond Dantes into “The Chateau d’If”. M. Danglars and Fernand Mondego were very jealous of Edmond Dantes; M. Danglars was jealous of his popularity, and his soon-to-be position as captian, and Fernand Mondego was jealous because his love, Mercedes, was in love with Dantes, when Fernand met Dantes he yelled: ‘Oh! how can I get rid of this fellow’. It’s surprising to me how strong jealousy can be. These two men, Danglars and Mondego, had so much hate and jealousy, they put an innocent man, that everyone loved, into the most worst prison of the time, pretty much taking his life away to be wasted in a jail cell. I learned that jealousy is a strong thing and that if I was in the position of Dantes, I would want to seek revenge also. …The next thing that hit me very much was the connection between Mercedes and Vicomt Albert de Morcerf. These two, mother and son, have the greatest personalities,and are very alike. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother. What I learned about these two, was the power of motherhood. After embarrassing Monte Cristo(Edmond Dantes) in public, Albert de Morcerf was about to be killed in a duel with Monte Cristo. Mercedes, with the heart of a true mother, cried and pleaded to Monte Cristo, for the life of her son, and her son was saved. Vicomt Albert de Morcerf was very proud of his mother. Mercedes and Albert have a very important role in the book, and they have changed my view of my mother and siblings, and that I am very greatful I have a mother like Mercedes.”)

The compound-complex sentence, “ Out of all the books I’ve read, this is my favorite, and I’ll never forget it,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay, with few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ I’ve learned the lessons of revenge, the power of love, and the power of jealousy.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ My favorite characters were Vicomt Albert de Morcerf, Maximillian Morrel, and of course, Edmond Dantes.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ Vicomt Albert de Morcerf has all the personality traits of his mother.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There are many types of interesting literature, for example, novels, short stories, poems. The things that make books interesting are the events that occur in the stories, characters, themes and symbols. Literature helps to enhance our knowledge and vocabulary with all the new words that we come across with when we read. Literature is very educational and it teaches us lessons and themes. I enjoy reading all types of books in school or on my spare time, especially books that in which I could relate to the characters or situations.

A book that I have recently read is the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. This is a really good book that teaches us about the lives of migrant farmers during the “Dust Bowl” and their struggles in this particular time. They were forced out of their farms by the government and the severe weather conditions that damaged their farms. The farmers were left jobless and without a home so they decided to leave to California . The migrant farmers left to California to find jobs so that they could progress and have better lives than they had in their hereditary homes. These farmers had to endure discrimination and hatred by the citizens of California . The defending people said they bring disease and they are filthy. We can not have them the schools. They are strangers. The citizens hated the migrant farmers because they thought that they came to steal their jobs. The farmers faced many obstacles to come to California but they never gave up their perseverance and dream of having a better life motivated them to reach their destination.

The thing that interests me the most about the book The Grapes of Wrath is that my family can relate to the migrant farmers that came to California . The lives of my family and the ones of the farmers are similar because they went thorough the same struggles to come to California . They both came to this state in search of employment and to pursue their dreams of having a better life. The farmers had to endure hunger, the loss of family members and discrimination through their journey to California . My family and the farmers from the book The Grapes of Wrath relate to each other because of their journey and struggles to get to California to improve their lives.

There are many great books that teach us valuable lessons. They help to enhance our vocabulary and knowledge. There are many parts of literature that we can relate to and help us appreciate things or people even more. The Grapes of Wrath book is not only a great book it has also taught me to value and respect the migrants. It taught me about their struggles of coming to California to improve their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay’s focus and meaning are adequate. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The thing that interests me the most about the book The Grapes of Wrath is that my family can relate to the migrant farmers that came to California . The lives of my family and the ones of the farmers are similar because they went thorough the same struggles to come to California . They both came to this state in search of employment and to pursue their dreams of having a better life. The farmers had to endure hunger, the loss of family members and discrimination through their journey to California . My family and the farmers from the book The Grapes of Wrath relate to each other because of their journey and struggles to get to California to improve their lives.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“A book that I have recently read is the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. This is a really good book that teaches us about the lives of migrant farmers during the “Dust Bowl” and their struggles in this particular time. They were forced out of their farms by the government and the severe weather conditions that damaged their farms. The farmers were left jobless and without a home so they decided to leave to California . The migrant farmers left to California to find jobs so that they could progress and have better lives than they had in their hereditary homes. These farmers had to endure discrimination and hatred by the citizens of California . The defending people said they bring disease and they are filthy. We cant have them the schools. They are strangers. The citizens hated the migrant farmers because they thought that they came to steal their jobs. The farmers faced many obstacles to come to California but they never gave up their perseverance and dream of having a better life motivated them to reach their destination.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“A book that I have recently read is the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. This is a really good book that teaches us about the lives of migrant farmers during the “Dust Bowl” and their struggles in this particular time. They were forced out of their farms by the government and the severe weather conditions that damaged their farms. The farmers were left jobless and without a home so they decided to leave to California . The migrant farmers left to California to find jobs so that they could progress and have better lives than they had in their hereditary homes. These farmers had to endure discrimination and hatred by the citizens of California . The defending people said they bring disease and they are filthy. We can not have them the schools. They are strangers. The citizens hated the migrant farmers because they thought that they came to steal their jobs. The farmers faced many obstacles to come to California but they never gave up their perseverance and dream of having a better life motivated them to reach their destination.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are shown in this essay. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“A book that I have recently read is the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. This is a really good book that teaches us about the lives of migrant farmers during the “Dust Bowl” and their struggles in this particular time. They were forced out of their farms by the government and the severe weather conditions that damaged their farms. The farmers were left jobless and without a home so they decided to leave to California . The migrant farmers left to California to find jobs so that they could progress and have better lives than they had in their hereditary homes. These farmers had to endure discrimination and hatred by the citizens of California . The defending people said they bring disease and they are filthy. We can not have them the schools. They are strangers. The citizens hated the migrant farmers because they thought that they came to steal their jobs. The farmers faced many obstacles to come to California but they never gave up their perseverance and dream of having a better life motivated them to reach their destination.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The thing that interests me the most about the book The Grapes of Wrath is that my family can relate to the migrant farmers that came to California . The lives of my family and the ones of the farmers are similar because they went thorough the same struggles to come to California . They both came to this state in search of employment and to pursue their dreams of having a better life. The farmers had to endure hunger, the loss of family members and discrimination through their journey to California . My family and the farmers from the book The Grapes of Wrath relate to each other because of their journey and struggles to get to California to improve their lives.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. For instance, in the following excerpt from the student essay, the writer provides an example for readers regarding connections he/she sees between the family in the novel and his/her own family: “The thing that interests me the most about the book The Grapes of Wrath is that my family can relate to the migrant farmers that came to California. The lives of my family and the ones of the farmers are similar because they went thorough the same struggles to come to California . They both came to this state in search of employment and to pursue their dreams of having a better life. The farmers had to endure hunger, the loss of family members and discrimination through their journey to California . My family and the farmers from the book The Grapes of Wrath relate to each other because of their journey and struggles to get to California to improve their lives.”

Organization

Adequate organization is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ There are many types of interesting literature, for example, novels, short stories, poems. The things that make books interesting are the events that occur in the stories, characters, themes and symbols. Literature helps to enhance our knowledge and vocabulary with all the new words that we come across with when we read. Literature is very educational and it teaches us lessons and themes. I enjoy reading all types of books in school or on my spare time, especially books that in which I could relate to the characters or situations.”)

The conclusion adequately teaches readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ There are many great books that teach us valuable lessons. They help to enhance our vocabulary and knowledge. There are many parts of literature that we can relate to and help us appreciate things or people even more. The Grapes of Wrath book is not only a great book it has also taught me to value and respect the migrants. It taught me about their struggles of coming to California to improve their lives.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the idea of the various aspects of literature that make it interesting to read. (“ There are many types of interesting literature, for example, novels, short stories, poems. The things that make books interesting are the events that occur in the stories, characters, themes and symbols. Literature helps to enhance our knowledge and vocabulary with all the new words that we come across with when we read. Literature is very educational and it teaches us lessons and themes. I enjoy reading all types of books in school or on my spare time, especially books that in which I could relate to the characters or situations. …There are many great books that teach us valuable lessons. They help to enhance our vocabulary and knowledge. There are many parts of literature that we can relate to and help us appreciate things or people even more. The Grapes of Wrath book is not only a great book it has also taught me to value and respect the migrants. It taught me about their struggles of coming to California to improve their lives.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ There are many great books that teach us valuable lessons. They help to enhance our vocabulary and knowledge. There are many parts of literature that we can relate to and help us appreciate things or people even more. The Grapes of Wrath book is not only a great book it has also taught me to value and respect the migrants. It taught me about their struggles of coming to California to improve their lives.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “characters,” “symbols,” and “themes” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ There are many types of interesting literature, for example, novels, short stories, poems. The things that make books interesting are the events that occur in the stories, characters, themes and symbols. Literature helps to enhance our knowledge and vocabulary with all the new words that we come across with when we read. Literature is very educational and it teaches us lessons and themes. I enjoy reading all types of books in school or on my spare time, especially books that in which I could relate to the characters or situations.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the generic word “thing(s)” is used often, rather than more specific words. (“ The things that make books interesting are the events that occur in the stories, characters, themes and symbols. … The thing that interests me the most about the book The Grapes of Wrath is that my family can relate to the migrant farmers that came to California .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ The farmers were left jobless and without a home so they decided to leave to California .”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ There are many great books that teach us valuable lessons.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The lives of my family and the ones of the farmers are similar because they went thorough the same struggles to come to California .”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mrs. Schafer

In the book The Lake of Souls I feel that Darren the main character is having trouble getting over the death of his friend Mr. Crespy. I think that Darren should just forget about the death of Mr. Crespy and fight the vampaneze before it gets to late to fight and kill him. When Darren became a half vampire my reaction was that he is now going to become evil, and kill everything that he loves. My question for the book is will Darren be able to kill the vampaneze, or will he die like his friends before him did. The character Harkat makes me feel like he is a scared fool that doesn't want to have to do anything scary cause he is always trying to keep out of trouble. I related to this event when Darren was sent to save a friend cause, to me I would have done the same as Darren does he goes out to save his friend. My opinion about this book so far is that it draws you in by the events that will come next in the book.

I think that when Darren gets out of the other world he has been in for almost 4 months now he will find and, kill Mr. Tiny for sending him there. My feelings that I have on the book is that there is a lot of sadness, haterid, and violence in the characters in this book. The thing that I want to know is will Darren live to get out of the other world that he is stuck in now or will he die. I feel that in the book also that the characters are learning how to deal with problems so that they can achieve current problems in the furter. The character Mr. Spits a old pirate is a strong hearted man because, he is always telling wonderfull stories about his life of a old pirate. So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. One thing that made me had to lokk up was this strange symbol that these native humans were drawing on their chests with blood and, it was this 6 sided star in the middle of a circle which meant something like human sacrifice.

So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“I think that when Darren gets out of the other world he has been in for almost 4 months now he will find and, kill Mr. Tiny for sending him there. My feelings that I have on the book is that there is a lot of sadness, haterid, and violence in the characters in this book. The thing that I want to know is will Darren live to get out of the other world that he is stuck in now or will he die. I feel that in the book also that the characters are learning how to deal with problems so that they can achieve current problems in the furter. The character Mr. Spits a old pirate is a strong hearted man because, he is always telling wonderfull stories about his life of a old pirate. So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. One thing that made me had to lokk up was this strange symbol that these native humans were drawing on their chests with blood and, it was this 6 sided star in the middle of a circle which meant something like human sacrifice.”)

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. (“So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

Content & Development

This essay shows evidence of limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. One thing that made me had to lokk up was this strange symbol that these native humans were drawing on their chests with blood and, it was this 6 sided star in the middle of a circle which meant something like human sacrifice.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraph(s) do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“I think that when Darren gets out of the other world he has been in for almost 4 months now he will find and, kill Mr. Tiny for sending him there. My feelings that I have on the book is that there is a lot of sadness, haterid, and violence in the characters in this book. The thing that I want to know is will Darren live to get out of the other world that he is stuck in now or will he die. I feel that in the book also that the characters are learning how to deal with problems so that they can achieve current problems in the furter. The character Mr. Spits a old pirate is a strong hearted man because, he is always telling wonderfull stories about his life of a old pirate. So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. One thing that made me had to lokk up was this strange symbol that these native humans were drawing on their chests with blood and, it was this 6 sided star in the middle of a circle which meant something like human sacrifice.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraph(s) are limited. (“I think that when Darren gets out of the other world he has been in for almost 4 months now he will find and, kill Mr. Tiny for sending him there. My feelings that I have on the book is that there is a lot of sadness, haterid, and violence in the characters in this book. The thing that I want to know is will Darren live to get out of the other world that he is stuck in now or will he die. I feel that in the book also that the characters are learning how to deal with problems so that they can achieve current problems in the furter. The character Mr. Spits a old pirate is a strong hearted man because, he is always telling wonderfull stories about his life of a old pirate. So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. One thing that made me had to lokk up was this strange symbol that these native humans were drawing on their chests with blood and, it was this 6 sided star in the middle of a circle which meant something like human sacrifice.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, inconsistent paragraphing, and a lack of some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Dear Mrs. Schafer, In the book The Lake of Souls I feel that Darren the main character is having trouble getting over the death of his friend Mr. Crespy. I think that Darren should just forget about the death of Mr. Crespy and fight the vampaneze before it gets to late to fight and kill him. When Darren became a half vampire my reaction was that he is now going to become evil, and kill everything that he loves. My question for the book is will Darren be able to kill the vampaneze, or will he die like his friends before him did. The character Harkat makes me feel like he is a scared fool that doesn't want to have to do anything scary cause he is always trying to keep out of trouble. I related to this event when Darren was sent to save a friend cause, to me I would have done the same as Darren does he goes out to save his friend. My opinion about this book so far is that it draws you in by the events that will come next in the book.”)

Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The closest word resembling a transitional device would be the word “so,” but this is not very effective as a transition. (“ So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave readers with something to think about, such as the writer’s thoughts on what will happen in the story, yet he/she is not very successful in this attempt. (“ So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident in this essay. It demonstrates simple language use, shows some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I related to this event when Darren was sent to save a friend cause, to me I would have done the same as Darren does he goes out to save his friend.”)

There are some exact words missing, such as the conjunction “and” between “Harkat” and “Spits.” (“ So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.”)

There is repetition, as the word “so” is used twice to begin a sentence, as well as the phrase “I think.” (“ So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains. … So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug. …I think that Darren should just forget about the death of Mr. Crespy and fight the vampaneze before it gets to late to fight and kill him. … I think that when Darren gets out of the other world he has been in for almost 4 months now he will find and, kill Mr. Tiny for sending him there.”)

Some sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ So of the things I wished to be answered is what is going to happen when Darren, Harkat, Spits face the ugly, putrid monster with over 100 fingers with 25 arms that move it because, it has no legs that it looks like a slug.I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates a limited control of conventions and mechanics. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence should end with the correct punctuation mark. A question mark is needed instead of a period in the following example: “The thing that I want to know is will Darren live to get out of the other world that he is stuck in now or will he die.”

Each sentence should begin with a capital letter and demonstrate correct use of capitalization throughout. (“I am now at the point in my book that i can't write anymore because, this is where I am in the book.”)

Each sentence should demonstrate correct subject-verb agreement. (“So themes in the book is the dry deserted deserts, dangerous jungles, nasty swamps, clean lakes, and treacherous mountains.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.

“she has it in for me”Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay conveys minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a central/controlling idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is not stated. (“In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class. … ‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

Organization

There is evidence of minimal organization in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

The essay does little to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ ‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion or, rather, any conclusion at all. (“ ‘she has it in for me’Said philip.his parents all ways believed him,in everything i guess because they trusted him. most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.But philip took it to far he there were news reporters talking about how philip got suspended for patriotism.The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal use of language and style is conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student. … I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

The style is not formal. (“ In this story nothing but the truth i think i relate more to philip then any other characters.the reason why is because we both kind have the same attuide.I also sometimes lie to get what i want well only when i really want it.i also say what’s on my mind but i don’t go around being rude. i think philip did the wrong thing by trying to get Miss.Narwin fired.she seems like a nice teacher.some of the teachers are boring and mean but not all teacher can be fun.Narwin didn’t hate philip she just want him to be a good student.she actually kind liked him but he would always do something to get her mad.he only did that so he could get switched class.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action). (“The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

Each sentence should end with a punctuation mark. (“The news went all over the country alot of people were affected by what he”)

Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. (“most parents are blind by there love to there kids.which sometimes cant be good philip dad mr.molly was was getting picked on my his boss that’s why he told philip to stand up for what he believed was rite.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

dear mrs thomason

well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader.

but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book.

bye

Love:

Student C

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task and the ideas in the text through a controlling idea. The essay is merely just a brief summary of the text rather than a personal response, since the writer mentions he/she lost the book and never finished reading it.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea of the essay. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

Content & Development

Content and development are inadequate in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

This essay includes inadequate or no details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

There are inadequate or no main ideas in the body paragraph(s). (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

Organization

This essay displays inadequate organization. The writing demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with a weak, one-sentence introduction, no conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the beginning. (“ well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“dear mrs thomason well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader. …but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book. bye Love: Student C”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are apparent in this essay, which demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable?”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ well my book is okay.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book.”)

The style is not formal. (“ well my book is okay.i mean its not all that but its okay well i guess i think that becsue im not much of a reader.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence does not consist of correctly spelled words. (“but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book.”)

Each sentence does not contain correct punctuation, such as apostrophes and commas. (“but the name of my book is called “im crystal” its about this girl thats grownin up an d shes really in to god like she has a really close relationship with god but her friends think she should be a model because she has a pretty shape but how iS she supposet to do that in the most christian way possable? and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book.”)

Each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. (“and boys at shhool like her for her body and not her mind but she really wants to be a mondal. and that pretty much all i read sence i lost my book.”)

Playing the Devil’s Advocate

For most novels, both favorable and unfavorable reviews can be written, depending on the reviewer's criteria. Choose a novel you have recently read, and critique it as both a "great" and a "lousy" book. Define "great" and "lousy," and include evidence from the text to support your arguments.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Words convey so much perception to those who read them. They can be full of meaning or confine misunderstood thoughts. When placed into sentences, words portray contemplation, and when these sentences form an extended story, they present inspiration. How much inspiration one story can provide is a matter of how it was pieced together using literary aspects. Diction, characterization, and plot can shape what is ultimately absorbed through reading the text. In the novel, Brisingr, it is these features which bring out the best material to be analyzed, which determines what makes this book "excellent" or "mediocre".

The diction of Brisingr is ultimately one of the most favorable aspects contained in the text. All word choices made truly sculpted the characters and provided intense, descriptive imagery. For example, all current scenes, events, personas, and ideas were sufficiently described through the word usage. Terms such as "radiance", "serene", and "pallid" are some of the vocabulary words found throughout the story. What makes these words elite is their ability to paint a picture in the reader's mind. With this image-creating tool, the author really sparks the imagination of the reader.

Many round characters present themselves in the story but on the contrary, flat characters are often found and generally, they make the story drag a little. Characters such as Eragon, Saphira, and Arya keep the fiction aspect of the book tasteful and exciting through their changes and actions. With all of these dynamic characters though, the plot can become complex and, as a result, sometimes frustrating. This is more so an excessive usage problem than it is an overly displeasing aspect. With a balance between the two variations of characters, the plot might have been a little more cleanly cut and enjoyable to the reader.

Although the plot was scattered, the foreshadowing and initial conflicts were projected well. It was easily understood that Galbatorix was the main antagonist of the story. In addition, the foreshadowing was not very obvious but still allowed the reader to get an idea of what was to come in the book. Foreshadowing was revealed through Eragon's thoughts and feelings, which provided a little more insight than if it was transmitted through actions. This method draws the reader into the story, which, as an outcome, also makes the intended audience more apt to understand the plotline with insight.

Even though the way Brisingr is written lures the reader in, the plotline itself is quite flawed when it comes to trying to keep awareness of all things happening in the book. The plot has the main idea of trying to defeat the antagonist, but too many steps were taken to reach a semi-formed conclusion at the end of the novel. Many strains of conflict in a novel provide an enduring decoy, but Brisingr beholds too much conflict at some points, which are a little overwhelming and frustrating. When Eragon leaves the Raazac to return to the Varden, the author takes many unnecessary steps to get to the point. The extra details he adds in have no relevance to the rest of the story and just add tiresome material. This happens in a repetitive way, which throws off the reader from the story itself.

A "great" novel involves all of these wonderful literary tools plus the individual style of the writer. Since the pros of Brisingr outweighed the cons in a full and complete sense, the book is considered well written. With its superior diction, round characters, and overall pleasing plot incorporated into the text, Brisingr presents itself as superbly written. The novel, overall, is intriguing and invigorating, establishing it as a favorable work of fiction. The sentences reflected sophisticated artistry, and the words stood as the building blocks of defining and analyzing the finesse of the complete piece.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the devil’s advocate through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more notable elements in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Even though the way Brisingr is written lures the reader in, the plotline itself is quite flawed when it comes to trying to keep awareness of all things happening in the book. The plot has the main idea of trying to defeat the antagonist, but too many steps were taken to reach a semi-formed conclusion at the end of the novel. Many strains of conflict in a novel provide an enduring decoy, but Brisingr beholds too much conflict at some points, which are a little overwhelming and frustrating.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Many round characters present themselves in the story but on the contrary, flat characters are often found and generally, they make the story drag a little. Characters such as Eragon, Saphira, and Arya keep the fiction aspect of the book tasteful and exciting through their changes and actions. With all of these dynamic characters though, the plot can become complex and, as a result, sometimes frustrating. This is more so an excessive usage problem than it is an overly displeasing aspect. With a balance between the two variations of characters, the plot might have been a little more cleanly cut and enjoyable to the reader.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ How much inspiration one story can provide is a matter of how it was pieced together using literary aspects. Diction, characterization, and plot can shape what is ultimately absorbed through reading the text. In the novel, Brisingr, it is these features which bring out the best material to be analyzed, which determines what makes this book ‘excellent’ or ‘mediocre’.”)

Content & Development

There is effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas with specific analysis using evidence from the text; however, the use of direct quotes from the text would make analysis even more comprehensive.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the requirement of the prompt task. (“Although the plot was scattered, the foreshadowing and initial conflicts were projected well. It was easily understood that Galbatorix was the main antagonist of the story. In addition, the foreshadowing was not very obvious but still allowed the reader to get an idea of what was to come in the book. Foreshadowing was revealed through Eragon's thoughts and feelings, which provided a little more insight than if it was transmitted through actions. This method draws the reader into the story, which, as an outcome, also makes the intended audience more apt to understand the plotline with insight.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight both the pros and cons of the book from the devil’s advocate perspective. (“Many round characters present themselves in the story but on the contrary, flat characters are often found and generally, they make the story drag a little. Characters such as Eragon, Saphira, and Arya keep the fiction aspect of the book tasteful and exciting through their changes and actions. With all of these dynamic characters though, the plot can become complex and, as a result, sometimes frustrating. This is more so an excessive usage problem than it is an overly displeasing aspect. With a balance between the two variations of characters, the plot might have been a little more cleanly cut and enjoyable to the reader.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Even though the way Brisingr is written lures the reader in, the plotline itself is quite flawed when it comes to trying to keep awareness of all things happening in the book. The plot has the main idea of trying to defeat the antagonist, but too many steps were taken to reach a semi-formed conclusion at the end of the novel. Many strains of conflict in a novel provide an enduring decoy, but Brisingr beholds too much conflict at some points, which are a little overwhelming and frustrating. When Eragon leaves the Raazac to return to the Varden, the author takes many unnecessary steps to get to the point. The extra details he adds in have no relevance to the rest of the story and just add tiresome material. This happens in a repetitive way, which throws off the reader from the story itself.”) The addition of direct quotes from the text would enhance the overall message.

Organization

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by describing crucial elements that make a story worthy of a reader’s time. (“ Words convey so much perception to those who read them. They can be full of meaning or confine misunderstood thoughts. When placed into sentences, words portray contemplation, and when these sentences form an extended story, they present inspiration. How much inspiration one story can provide is a matter of how it was pieced together using literary aspects. Diction, characterization, and plot can shape what is ultimately absorbed through reading the text. In the novel, Brisingr, it is these features which bring out the best material to be analyzed, which determines what makes this book ‘excellent’ or ‘mediocre’.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ The diction of Brisingr is ultimately one of the most favorable aspects contained in the text. All word choices made truly sculpted the characters and provided intense, descriptive imagery. For example, all current scenes, events, personas, and ideas were sufficiently described through the word usage. Terms such as ‘radiance’, ‘serene’, and ‘pallid’ are some of the vocabulary words found throughout the story. What makes these words elite is their ability to paint a picture in the reader's mind. With this image-creating tool, the author really sparks the imagination of the reader.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ A ‘great’ novel involves all of these wonderful literary tools plus the individual style of the writer. Since the pros of Brisingr outweighed the cons in a full and complete sense, the book is considered well written. With its superior diction, round characters, and overall pleasing plot incorporated into the text, Brisingr presents itself as superbly written. The novel, overall, is intriguing and invigorating, establishing it as a favorable work of fiction. The sentences reflected sophisticated artistry, and the words stood as the building blocks of defining and analyzing the finesse of the complete piece.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores many of the positive aspects that make this book a must-read for the intended audience. (“ The diction of Brisingr is ultimately one of the most favorable aspects contained in the text. All word choices made truly sculpted the characters and provided intense, descriptive imagery. For example, all current scenes, events, personas, and ideas were sufficiently described through the word usage. Terms such as ‘radiance’, ‘serene’, and ‘pallid" are some of the vocabulary words found throughout the story. What makes these words elite is their ability to paint a picture in the reader's mind. With this image-creating tool, the author really sparks the imagination of the reader.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. He/she paints a picture of the pros and cons of the novel so that by the end of the response, the readers understand what makes this story a notable read from the devil’s advocate perspective. (“ A ‘great’ novel involves all of these wonderful literary tools plus the individual style of the writer. Since the pros of Brisingr outweighed the cons in a full and complete sense, the book is considered well written. With its superior diction, round characters, and overall pleasing plot incorporated into the text, Brisingr presents itself as superbly written. The novel, overall, is intriguing and invigorating, establishing it as a favorable work of fiction.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Although the plot was scattered, the foreshadowing and initial conflicts were projected well. It was easily understood that Galbatorix was the main antagonist of the story. In addition, the foreshadowing was not very obvious but still allowed the reader to get an idea of what was to come in the book. Foreshadowing was revealed through Eragon's thoughts and feelings, which provided a little more insight than if it was transmitted through actions. This method draws the reader into the story, which, as an outcome, also makes the intended audience more apt to understand the plotline with insight.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Foreshadowing was revealed through Eragon's thoughts and feelings, which provided a little more insight than if it was transmitted through actions. This method draws the reader into the story, which, as an outcome, also makes the intended audience more apt to understand the plotline with insight.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

House of the Scorpion was a book normally introduced in the seventh grade and many reread it multiple times throughout the following years. The novel encompasses a very progressive plot line and constantly introduces new twists throughout the story. In order to fairly evaluate this novel, one must be versatile and look at each aspect of the novel. Nancy Farmer, being a connoisseur in the field of realistic Sci-fi novels, aptly created a story that took a reader through almost every emotion. This book is a great book, but like all books, it has flaws.

House of the Scorpion depicts the story of a young clone, Matteo, as he makes his way through life. He is a clone of one of the most powerful drug lords in the world, El Patron, who, despite being 140 years old, is still a vital piece of the drug battle. Matteo lives on an estate with his "mother", Cecilia, his bodyguard, Tam Lin, and El Patron, along with all his family. The three names mentioned, and also Maria, who is El Patron's granddaughter, are the only people that have any love for Matteo, as the rest of the house hates and shuns him. When El Patron dies, Matteo must run away from his home on the estate and ends up working in a shrimp factory. He is almost killed by the intense work. Finally, after all he has been through, he gets away and finds his way into a city. It is from there he starts making things better by taking out the Patron drug family.

So, when considering the definition of a great book, generally, one looks into the ability for an author to hold the reader's attention and interest. Farmer does this very well throughout the novel; an example being the imagery presented as Matteo describes the poppy fields towards the beginning of the book. She does an outstanding job by tying the characters, settings, and events together therefore never leaving the reader confused, just pondering over the events. Also the most common motif of the novel represents building friendships up and losing them soon after. Matteo's fatal flaw that causes most of his problems is his innocence in believe that all have "good" in them and that good can be brought out by a lone clone child. I believe Farmer showed this in order to prove to the children reading the novel that they need to work in unison like Matteo did in the factory. She effectively gave those who read the book a paragon on which to model themselves on. This book can definitely be classified as a great read; however, it does have its flaws.

The definition of lousy mostly does with the unneeded content and any unclear changes in plot. Some of the graphically lewd scenes in the story are unneeded as they do nothing for the story. Also when in the factory, the significance of the shrimp did nothing. It might have been more effective to use a location with more significance to the location. Also the other grandchildren were extremely annoying throughout the novel due to constant presumptuous behavior. Making one other them slightly more realistic would have reduced this irritation through the first through chapters. Finally, the ending of the novel was very rushed and it was almost a cliffhanger ending although it did have a complete ending. This book definitely has some flaws that support the idea of it being a lousy book.

House of the Scorpion is one of the most influential books for children on the market. With its controversial topics and themes, and superb structure, it helps to mature the readers as they make their way through the novel. She uses descriptive language and imagery to describe her characters and settings. Some of the content of the novel was a little too perverse for the characters themselves. The rushed ending also damaged the book's near impeccable image. House of the Scorpion does have some lousy elements; but, it can definitely be considered as a formidable novel that will be used for many years to come.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses intently on the positive and negative aspects of the book. In doing so, he/she satisfies many of the components of the prompt task. (“ House of the Scorpion is one of the most influential books for children on the market. With its controversial topics and themes, and superb structure, it helps to mature the readers as they make their way through the novel. She uses descriptive language and imagery to describe her characters and settings. Some of the content of the novel was a little too perverse for the characters themselves. The rushed ending also damaged the book's near impeccable image.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Also the most common motif of the novel represents building friendships up and losing them soon after. Matteo's fatal flaw that causes most of his problems is his innocence in believe that all have ‘good’ in them and that good can be brought out by a lone clone child. I believe Farmer showed this in order to prove to the children reading the novel that they need to work in unison like Matteo did in the factory. She effectively gave those who read the book a paragon on which to model themselves on. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the strengths and shortcomings of the highlighted selection. (“ I believe Farmer showed this in order to prove to the children reading the novel that they need to work in unison like Matteo did in the factory. She effectively gave those who read the book a paragon on which to model themselves on. This book can definitely be classified as a great read; however, it does have its flaws. The definition of lousy mostly does with the unneeded content and any unclear changes in plot. Some of the graphically lewd scenes in the story are unneeded as they do nothing for the story. Also when in the factory, the significance of the shrimp did nothing. It might have been more effective to use a location with more significance to the location.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s main ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that directly relate to the prompt task, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Also the most common motif of the novel represents building friendships up and losing them soon after. Matteo's fatal flaw that causes most of his problems is his innocence in believe that all have ‘good’ in them and that good can be brought out by a lone clone child. I believe Farmer showed this in order to prove to the children reading the novel that they need to work in unison like Matteo did in the factory.”)

The essay includes specific details and summaries of certain events with clear references to the story. This benefits readers; in particular, those who may be unfamiliar with the story. (“House of the Scorpion depicts the story of a young clone, Matteo, as he makes his way through life. He is a clone of one of the most powerful drug lords in the world, El Patron, who, despite being 140 years old, is still a vital piece of the drug battle. Matteo lives on an estate with his ‘mother’, Cecilia, his bodyguard, Tam Lin, and El Patron, along with all his family. The three names mentioned, and also Maria, who is El Patron's granddaughter, are the only people that have any love for Matteo, as the rest of the house hates and shuns him. When El Patron dies, Matteo must run away from his home on the estate and ends up working in a shrimp factory. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“So, when considering the definition of a great book, generally, one looks into the ability for an author to hold the reader's attention and interest. Farmer does this very well throughout the novel; an example being the imagery presented as Matteo describes the poppy fields towards the beginning of the book. She does an outstanding job by tying the characters, settings, and events together therefore never leaving the reader confused, just pondering over the events.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization of ideas throughout the response. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction engages the readers from the beginning. (“ House of the Scorpion was a book normally introduced in the seventh grade and many reread it multiple times throughout the following years. The novel encompasses a very progressive plot line and constantly introduces new twists throughout the story. In order to fairly evaluate this novel, one must be versatile and look at each aspect of the novel. Nancy Farmer, being a connoisseur in the field of realistic Sci-fi novels, aptly created a story that took a reader through almost every emotion. This book is a great book, but like all books, it has flaws. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ So, when considering the definition of a great book, generally, one looks into the ability for an author to hold the reader's attention and interest. Farmer does this very well throughout the novel; an example being the imagery presented as Matteo describes the poppy fields towards the beginning of the book. She does an outstanding job by tying the characters, settings, and events together therefore never leaving the reader confused, just pondering over the events. Also the most common motif of the novel represents building friendships up and losing them soon after. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ House of the Scorpion is one of the most influential books for children on the market. With its controversial topics and themes, and superb structure, it helps to mature the readers as they make their way through the novel. She uses descriptive language and imagery to describe her characters and settings. Some of the content of the novel was a little too perverse for the characters themselves. The rushed ending also damaged the book's near impeccable image. House of the Scorpion does have some lousy elements; but, it can definitely be considered as a formidable novel that will be used for many years to come. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer employs solid word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Some of the graphically lewd scenes in the story are unneeded as they do nothing for the story. Also when in the factory, the significance of the shrimp did nothing. It might have been more effective to use a location with more significance to the location. Also the other grandchildren were extremely annoying throughout the novel due to constant presumptuous behavior. Making one other them slightly more realistic would have reduced this irritation through the first through chapters. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ Matteo's fatal flaw that causes most of his problems is his innocence in believe that all have ‘good’ in them and that good can be brought out by a lone clone child. I believe Farmer showed this in order to prove to the children reading the novel that they need to work in unison like Matteo did in the factory. She effectively gave those who read the book a paragon on which to model themselves on. This book can definitely be classified as a great read; however, it does have its flaws. ”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ House of the Scorpion is one of the most influential books for children on the market. With its controversial topics and themes, and superb structure, it helps to mature the readers as they make their way through the novel. She uses descriptive language and imagery to describe her characters and settings. Some of the content of the novel was a little too perverse for the characters themselves. The rushed ending also damaged the book's near impeccable image. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message in any way.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ So, when considering the definition of a great book, generally, one looks into the ability for an author to hold the reader's attention and interest. Farmer does this very well throughout the novel; an example being the imagery presented as Matteo describes the poppy fields towards the beginning of the book. She does an outstanding job by tying the characters, settings, and events together therefore never leaving the reader confused, just pondering over the events. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A recent book that I have read was City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare. It is the fifth book in the Mortal Instruments series. This book is full of adventures and mysteries. It has a captivating cast and memorable characters. It contains werewolves, vampires, and people called Shadowhunters. This book will keep you at the edge of your seat, you'll never want to put it down. Once you start reading it, you might not be able to put it down.

Cassandra Clare, author of the Mortal Instruments, Infernal Devices and Dark Artifices, is a stupendous author. Her books are full of mystery and adventure. In her books, there are special people called Nephilim or Shadowhunters. They are children of the angel Raziel and the original Shadowhunter, Jonathan Shadowhunter. The Shadowhunters now go on near close death destroying demons with a Seraph (Angel) blade and a Stele to create runes to protect them and give them special powers. These Shadowhunters will keep you from watching your favorite television show at night. They tie up together with Downworlders (Demons) or warlocks and witches, werewolves, fairies, and vampires. You will not regret reading this book.

Now, this does have some lousy parts. For example, every time the author got to an exciting part, she would change the topic from a battle or love scene to another characters point of view. Also, she would sometimes have another character butt into the situation of the battle or love scene. It can get aggravating after a great deal of times, but you do get used to it after a while. Like I said, the Mortal Instruments are full of mysteries, you may never know what's laying on the page behind it.

After those few disappointments, I do have one more exceptional thing to say about the City of Lost Souls and that is its cast. All of the cast flow together in the book. One person knows this person who knows this person and eventually they all know each other. Cassandra Clare did this in a way that can take you the first three books to understand who knows who and how. Also, she does a remarkable job on how she sets up the book. For instance, she doesn't have a battle going on in the Shadowhunters capital called Alicante and have the characters (who live in New York) stay where they are in the book; she has them fight in the battle. Cassandra Clare, in my opinion, is by far one of the best authors I have ever read.

Even though all books have their downsides, they usually turn out to be great books. The Mortal Instruments: City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare is a book that I believe children/pre-teens/young adults should read. It is fascinating, adventurous, and mysterious. Clare will keep you at the edge of your seat you will never want to stop reading it. I do warn you though, once you start reading it, your mind will travel to places you never even imagined and you might miss your favorite television. Cassandra Clare is an excellent author and I believe students and teachers should read her books; The Mortal Instrument: City of Lost Souls.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer analyzes both great and lousy aspects of the book for the intended audience. (“Now, this does have some lousy parts. For example, every time the author got to an exciting part, she would change the topic from a battle or love scene to another characters point of view. Also, she would sometimes have another character butt into the situation of the battle or love scene. It can get aggravating after a great deal of times, but you do get used to it after a while. Like I said, the Mortal Instruments are full of mysteries, you may never know what's laying on the page behind it. After those few disappointments, I do have one more exceptional thing to say about the City of Lost Souls and that is its cast. All of the cast flow together in the book. One person knows this person who knows this person and eventually they all know each other.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer adequately addresses the pros and cons of reading this story. (“Even though all books have their downsides, they usually turn out to be great books. The Mortal Instruments: City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare is a book that I believe children/pre-teens/young adults should read. It is fascinating, adventurous, and mysterious. Clare will keep you at the edge of your seat you will never want to stop reading it. I do warn you though, once you start reading it, your mind will travel to places you never even imagined and you might miss your favorite television.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer implements an informative tone and it is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“This book is full of adventures and mysteries. It has a captivating cast and memorable characters. It contains werewolves, vampires, and people called Shadowhunters. This book will keep you at the edge of your seat, you'll never want to put it down. Once you start reading it, you might not be able to put it down. Cassandra Clare, author of the Mortal Instruments, Infernal Devices and Dark Artifices, is a stupendous author. Her books are full of mystery and adventure. In her books, there are special people called Nephilim or Shadowhunters. They are children of the angel Raziel and the original Shadowhunter, Jonathan Shadowhunter. The Shadowhunters now go on near close death destroying demons with a Seraph (Angel) blade and a Stele to create runes to protect them and give them special powers. These Shadowhunters will keep you from watching your favorite television show at night.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that support the outlined positives and negatives of the book from a devil’s advocate perspective. (“After those few disappointments, I do have one more exceptional thing to say about the City of Lost Souls and that is its cast. All of the cast flow together in the book. One person knows this person who knows this person and eventually they all know each other. Cassandra Clare did this in a way that can take you the first three books to understand who knows who and how. Also, she does a remarkable job on how she sets up the book. For instance, she doesn't have a battle going on in the Shadowhunters capital called Alicante and have the characters (who live in New York) stay where they are in the book; she has them fight in the battle. Cassandra Clare, in my opinion, is by far one of the best authors I have ever read.”)

The essay includes information about characters, plot, and setting to inform readers who may be unfamiliar with the text. (“Her books are full of mystery and adventure. In her books, there are special people called Nephilim or Shadowhunters. They are children of the angel Raziel and the original Shadowhunter, Jonathan Shadowhunter. The Shadowhunters now go on near close death destroying demons with a Seraph (Angel) blade and a Stele to create runes to protect them and give them special powers. These Shadowhunters will keep you from watching your favorite television show at night. They tie up together with Downworlders (Demons) or warlocks and witches, werewolves, fairies, and vampires.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Now, this does have some lousy parts. For example, every time the author got to an exciting part, she would change the topic from a battle or love scene to another characters point of view. Also, she would sometimes have another character butt into the situation of the battle or love scene. It can get aggravating after a great deal of times, but you do get used to it after a while. Like I said, the Mortal Instruments are full of mysteries, you may never know what's laying on the page behind it.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ A recent book that I have read was City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare. It is the fifth book in the Mortal Instruments series. This book is full of adventures and mysteries. It has a captivating cast and memorable characters. It contains werewolves, vampires, and people called Shadowhunters. This book will keep you at the edge of your seat, you'll never want to put it down. Once you start reading it, you might not be able to put it down.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Now, this does have some lousy parts. For example, every time the author got to an exciting part, she would change the topic from a battle or love scene to another characters point of view. Also, she would sometimes have another character butt into the situation of the battle or love scene. It can get aggravating after a great deal of times, but you do get used to it after a while. Like I said, the Mortal Instruments are full of mysteries, you may never know what's laying on the page behind it.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Even though all books have their downsides, they usually turn out to be great books. The Mortal Instruments: City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare is a book that I believe children/pre-teens/young adults should read. It is fascinating, adventurous, and mysterious. Clare will keep you at the edge of your seat you will never want to stop reading it. I do warn you though, once you start reading it, your mind will travel to places you never even imagined and you might miss your favorite television. Cassandra Clare is an excellent author and I believe students and teachers should read her books; The Mortal Instrument: City of Lost Souls. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Now, this does have some lousy parts. For example, every time the author got to an exciting part, she would change the topic from a battle or love scene to another characters point of view. Also, she would sometimes have another character butt into the situation of the battle or love scene. It can get aggravating after a great deal of times, but you do get used to it after a while. Like I said, the Mortal Instruments are full of mysteries, you may never know what's laying on the page behind it.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes from the perspective of a devil’s advocate. (“ After those few disappointments, I do have one more exceptional thing to say about the City of Lost Souls and that is its cast. All of the cast flow together in the book. One person knows this person who knows this person and eventually they all know each other. Cassandra Clare did this in a way that can take you the first three books to understand who knows who and how. Also, she does a remarkable job on how she sets up the book. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ This book is full of adventures and mysteries. It has a captivating cast and memorable characters. It contains werewolves, vampires, and people called Shadowhunters. This book will keep you at the edge of your seat, you'll never want to put it down. Once you start reading it, you might not be able to put it down.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A great book makes you want to read more, and The Alchemist did not make me want to keep reading it. A lousy book ends with more questions than answers, and The Alchemist left me with many questions. I would consider The Alchemist a lousy book because it ended and I did not know if Santiago ever made it back to Fatima. I also found that it was a very predictable book and I knew almost everything that was going to happen to Santiago. But The Alchemist can also be considered a great book. There were many messages in it that people could learn from. I believe that The Alchemist can be considered a great book and a lousy book.

The Alchemist can be considered a great book beacause of the messages in it. One of the many messages in The Alchemist was in this quote, "...life really is generous to those who pursue their Personal Legend..." (166). I think that means that once you achieve your dream you will be happier. Another message in The Alchemist is found on page 58, "...every blessing ignored becomes a curse." I think that that is really true. When you are given something and you take it for granted, something bad normally happens. You should never take anything that you are given for granted because it could be taken away from you in an instant. And you should enjoy it while you have it.

A reason that The Alchemist can be considered a lousy book is that, it is unrealistic. '"I came to tell you just one thing," the boy said. "I want you to be my wife. I love you."' I find that really unrealistic because no one can fall in love the day after they meet someone. It is impossible to truly love someone after one day.

Another reason you could consider The Alchemist a lousy book is that it is really predictable. Fom the beginning you knew that Santiago was going to be successful and complete his Personal Legend. He went throught all these lows and he kept coming out successful. So you can automatically tell that Santiago will be succussful and get his treasure. I do not like that The Alchemist is that predictable.

Overall, I think that The Alchemist can be considered a great and lousy book. Mostly I thought it was a lousy book, but there were also great points in the book. Such as the lessons you can learn from it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“But The Alchemist can also be considered a great book. There were many messages in it that people could learn from. I believe that The Alchemist can be considered a great book and a lousy book.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the positives and negatives of the selection, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“A reason that The Alchemist can be considered a lousy book is that, it is unrealistic. ‘I came to tell you just one thing,’ the boy said. ‘I want you to be my wife. I love you.’ I find that really unrealistic because no one can fall in love the day after they meet someone. It is impossible to truly love someone after one day.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the requirement of the task, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue; however, he/she does not develop ideas sufficiently to give readers a complete understanding of the writer’s assertions. (“Another message in The Alchemist is found on page 58, ‘...every blessing ignored becomes a curse.’ I think that that is really true. When you are given something and you take it for granted, something bad normally happens. You should never take anything that you are given for granted because it could be taken away from you in an instant. And you should enjoy it while you have it.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes only limited details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“A reason that The Alchemist can be considered a lousy book is that, it is unrealistic. ‘I came to tell you just one thing,’ the boy said. ‘I want you to be my wife. I love you.’ I find that really unrealistic because no one can fall in love the day after they meet someone. It is impossible to truly love someone after one day.”)

The essay is limited in the use of relevant, specific details to illustrate the main ideas. (“Another reason you could consider The Alchemist a lousy book is that it is really predictable. Fom the beginning you knew that Santiago was going to be successful and complete his Personal Legend. He went throught all these lows and he kept coming out successful. So you can automatically tell that Santiago will be succussful and get his treasure. I do not like that The Alchemist is that predictable.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Another message in The Alchemist is found on page 58, ‘...every blessing ignored becomes a curse.’ I think that that is really true. When you are given something and you take it for granted, something bad normally happens. You should never take anything that you are given for granted because it could be taken away from you in an instant. And you should enjoy it while you have it.”)

Organization

The introduction identifies the subject of the essay and provides some reasoning for advocating the selection as lousy and great. (“ A great book makes you want to read more, and The Alchemist did not make me want to keep reading it. A lousy book ends with more questions than answers, and The Alchemist left me with many questions. I would consider The Alchemist a lousy book because it ended and I did not know if Santiago ever made it back to Fatima. I also found that it was a very predictable book and I knew almost everything that was going to happen to Santiago. But The Alchemist can also be considered a great book. There were many messages in it that people could learn from. I believe that The Alchemist can be considered a great book and a lousy book. ”)

There is limited evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ Another reason you could consider The Alchemist a lousy book is that it is really predictable. Fom the beginning you knew that Santiago was going to be successful and complete his Personal Legend. He went throught all these lows and he kept coming out successful. So you can automatically tell that Santiago will be succussful and get his treasure. ”)

The conclusion only serves to restate the writer’s assertion that the book is both great and lousy. It does not summarize main ideas or give the readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Overall, I think that The Alchemist can be considered a great and lousy book. Mostly I thought it was a lousy book, but there were also great points in the book. Such as the lessons you can learn from it. ”)

Language Use & Style

Limited sentence variety and word choice give the response a repetitive quality. (“ When you are given something and you take it for granted, something bad normally happens. You should never take anything that you are given for granted because it could be taken away from you in an instant. And you should enjoy it while you have it. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to express the qualities that make the selection lousy and great, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important points for readers to relate to the overall analysis of the book. (“ A reason that The Alchemist can be considered a lousy book is that, it is unrealistic. ‘I came to tell you just one thing,’ the boy said. ‘I want you to be my wife. I love you.’ I find that really unrealistic because no one can fall in love the day after they meet someone. It is impossible to truly love someone after one day. ”)

Sentence structures are weak, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Overall, I think that The Alchemist can be considered a great and lousy book. Mostly I thought it was a lousy book, but there were also great points in the book. Such as the lessons you can learn from it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Fom the beginning you knew that Santiago was going to be successful and complete his Personal Legend. He went throught all these lows and he kept coming out successful. So you can automatically tell that Santiago will be succussful and get his treasure.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Interesting and suspense. Those feature are what i need in a book. If not i won't be able to read it. The book I last read was Called The Fallen. Ita a really fabulous book but in some ways its pretty lousy. Now I will explain how the book are in these to categories.

The book The Fallen is a really good book because its really interesting. It gets me on my feet and excited to read. That's an unusual thing because I don't like to read at all. In the book, I really love the suspense. It makes my heart pump and the adrenaline in my body rush all over. That's why I love this book.

In some ways the book was lousy, It was lousy because it way ridiculously long. I hate long books they upset me. Also it took a long time to get to the really good part in the book. That's why the book was lousy,

In conclusion, the book was both great and lousy. But I would still recommend it for someone else to read.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions that the selected book was both great and lousy; however, because of weak details and confusing sequence, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“Interesting and suspense. Those feature are what i need in a book. If not i won't be able to read it. The book I last read was Called The Fallen. Ita a really fabulous book but in some ways its pretty lousy. Now I will explain how the book are in these to categories.”)

The writer does not illustrate an understanding of audience because he/she does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not demonstrate enough focus and meaning to allow the readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the positive and negative qualities of the selected text. (“ The book The Fallen is a really good book because its really interesting. It gets me on my feet and excited to read. That's an unusual thing because I don't like to read at all. In the book, I really love the suspense. It makes my heart pump and the adrenaline in my body rush all over. That's why I love this book. ”)

The writer minimally attempts to support asserted ideas, leaving the readers with many questions as to the positive and negative qualities of the selected text. (“ In conclusion, the book was both great and lousy. But I would still recommend it for someone else to read.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address that the book he/she read was both great and lousy but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the asserted ideas. (“The book The Fallen is a really good book because its really interesting. It gets me on my feet and excited to read. That's an unusual thing because I don't like to read at all.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In the book, I really love the suspense. It makes my heart pump and the adrenaline in my body rush all over. That's why I love this book.”)

Due to the brevity of the essay response, there are minimal main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In some ways the book was lousy, It was lousy because it way ridiculously long. I hate long books they upset me. Also it took a long time to get to the really good part in the book. That's why the book was lousy,”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Interesting and suspense. Those feature are what i need in a book.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that explain the characteristics that make the selected book both great and lousy. Also, consistent use of transitions between paragraphs or between sentences is not implemented effectively. (“In some ways the book was lousy, It was lousy because it way ridiculously long. I hate long books they upset me. Also it took a long time to get to the really good part in the book. That's why the book was lousy,”)

The writer does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main ideas. Additionally, the ending fails to leave the readers with something to think about. (“ In conclusion, the book was both great and lousy. But I would still recommend it for someone else to read. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choices, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentences are short and choppy in many portions of the essay. (“ Interesting and suspense. Those feature are what i need in a book. If not i won't be able to read it. The book I last read was Called The Fallen.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ Now I will explain how the book are in these to categories.”)

There is repetition. (“ In some ways the book was lousy, It was lousy because it way ridiculously long. I hate long books they upset me. Also it took a long time to get to the really good part in the book. That's why the book was lousy,”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ Ita a really fabulous book but in some ways its pretty lousy. Now I will explain how the book are in these to categories. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Everyone has a book they read that was exellent but also terriable at the same time. A book i have read that was exciting, heartstoping, mindblowing would be "Bystander" by James Patterson this a book had be hooked since page one. i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.

Bystander is great book. also great author James Patterson which is famous for his book.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a focused central/controlling idea that would lead readers through a thoughtful, sequential response. (“Everyone has a book they read that was exellent but also terriable at the same time. A book i have read that was exciting, heartstoping, mindblowing would be ‘Bystander’ by James Patterson this a book had be hooked since page one.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas, and uses no meaningful references to the selected text to support the writer’s assertions of what makes the book both great and lousy.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific qualities of the selected book. (“i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Bystander is great book. also great author James Patterson which is famous for his book.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Everyone has a book they read that was exellent but also terriable at the same time. A book i have read that was exciting, heartstoping, mindblowing would be ‘Bystander’ by James Patterson this a book had be hooked since page one. i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.”)

Organization

The introduction fails to effectively engage readers from the beginning. (“ Everyone has a book they read that was exellent but also terriable at the same time. A book i have read that was exciting, heartstoping, mindblowing would be ‘Bystander’ by James Patterson this a book had be hooked since page one.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices helps the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.”)

The essay does not include an identifiable conclusion that summarizes main ideas or gives the readers a sense of closure. (“ Bystander is great book. also great author James Patterson which is famous for his book.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ i have read many james patterson books but this has to be one of the most confusing books i have ever read its a great book but also boring at some points.”)

The structure of sentences is very weak. This is clearly a confused and almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Bystander is great book. also great author James Patterson which is famous for his book.”)

Word choices are too simple, leaving little evidence of style or voice in the response . (“ Everyone has a book they read that was exellent but also terriable at the same time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Prejudice in To Kill a Mockingbird

In To Kill a Mockingbird , there are occurrences of different kinds of prejudice. In a well-developed essay, provide evidence to support this statement. Remember to include specific details and examples from the novel in your essay.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

“I never understood her preoccupation with heredity. Somewhere I had received the impression that Fine Folks were people who did the best they could with the sense they had, but Aunt Alexandra was of the opinion, obliquely expressed, that the longer a family had been squatting on one patch of land the finer it was.” Jean Louise, they young girl who stated the above, shows us prejudice with childlike vision. The first thing that enters my mind, when I think of prejudice, is racism and I am sure it is the same for the rest of us, but racism is no the only form of prejudice. There is an endless plethora of prejudices that would take years to fully understand and explain; so, I will only mention a few. To Kill a Mocking Bird shows several that I would like to probe, prejudices against race, prejudices against families, and prejudices against religion.

The most obvious prejudice, that is the central theme in: To Kill a Mocking Bird, is the prejudice against race, or racism. Racism is a time old malady that has plagued humanity since the dawn of time. The Romans believed that their race was superior to all others; thus, giving them the right to conquer all other races. Before and during the Civil War era, many people believed the white race was superlative to the black race. Jean Louise Finch, the narrator and protagonist of To Kill a Mocking Bird, live during the Depression era when the effects of the Civil War were still fresh in the mind of the populace. The whites had their neighborhoods, churches, and associations, and the blacks had theirs. This border between the two races surfaces when Calpurnia, the Finch’s black cook and housekeeper, takes the Finch children to her church. Amazed at the different customs and processes of a black church compared to their own, the children tell their father and soon it circulates. Even though the children find it fun and fascinating, the town is astir with news of two white children going to a black church.

Another aperture into the climate of racism during that time, is when Jean's (or Scout as she is commonly called) father, Atticus, pledges to defend a Blackman named Tom Robinson, accused of rape. The evidence is hazy, and it all boils down to one man’s word against another, the word of Tom Robinson (a respected Blackman in the black community) against Robert Ewell (the lowest of the low in Maycomb County ). The trial was fair, but the verdict was not. The innocense of Tom Robinson was made plain to the jury; however, the verdict was a unanimous “guilty as accused” because he was black, racism at its finest.

A less known, or at least, less obvious prejudice is prejudice against a family, or familial prejudice. As seen in the opening quotation by Scout, familial prejudice was common place in the small county of Maycomb . There are three basic classes of families in To Kill a Mocking Bird. First, theirs the Finches, the cream of the crop, this is family to which Scout belongs. They have lived in Maycomb County since it was founded and have always been upright citizens. Then there are the Cunninghams. Seen as not quite right, they live on the outskirts of the community making a living respectfully. Lastly, there are the Ewells. Seen as the scum-bags of Maycomb. Living behind the town dump does not improve their reputation in the eyes of the public. Each of these familial classes has it place in the Maycomb Family Status Ladder with the highest looking down on the lowest. The Finches, as a whole, look down on the Cunninghams, and the Cunninghams look down upon the Ewells. The Familial Status Ladder is another form of prejudice that discriminates against someone by what family into which they were born.

Finally, the last kind of prejudice to be found in To Kill a Mocking Bird is that of religion. In Maycomb County , there is a family, called the Randles, who hold to an overzealous form of religion that makes the ascetic life of a monk look like the life of a bawdy commoner. The Randles believe in locking oneself away from the light of day in order to spend their lives in study of religious texts. They look down upon everyone else who is not as pious as they are. Their counterparts are the Atheists, like Miss Maudie, who believe the overzealous Randles and the like to be hypocritical. Both groups ostracize each other.

Prejudice is rampant in our world. Not just racism, but a slue of camouflaged prejudices that often does not get enough attention. Whenever I see some racist act in the news, I think, “I am glad I am not racist.” But after reading this book I think we should examine ourselves to see if we are prejudice to the way impoverished condition they live in, or into what family they were born. This does not mean that we should allow everything to be permissible, but it does mean that we should not judge people by standards they cannot control (i.e., if they are poor even though they are honest and hard working, or what race or family into which they were born). To Kill a Mocking Bird has opened my eyes and I hope it will open yours.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this insightful analysis, the author not only identifies the various prejudices seen throughout the novel, but completes the task at a high level through an exceptional analysis of the themes the story communicates to its readers. Moreover, the author demonstrates an understanding of the lesson the story illustrates. (“This does not mean that we should allow everything to be permissible, but it does mean that we should not judge people by standards they cannot control (i.e., if they are poor even though they are honest and hard working, or what race or family into which they were born).”) The author shows a clear understanding of the central idea and makes strong connections between the character’s emotions and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the novel is very thorough and accurate. The author uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and other sources that he/she then fully explains and interprets through high-level connections. (“Racism is a time old malady that has plagued humanity since the dawn of time. The Romans believe d that their race was superior to all others; thus, giving them the right to conquer all other races…Jean Louise Finch, the narrator and protagonist of To Kill a Mocking Bird, live during the Depression era when the effects of the Civil War were still fresh in the mind of the populace. The whites had their neighborhoods, churches, and associations, and the blacks had theirs.”) The essay proceeds to effectively discuss other discrimination, such as familial or religious prejudice.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction immediately engages the reader with an important quote from the novel and then proceeds to establish a clear controlling idea or thesis. (“To Kill a Mocking Bird shows several that I would like to probe, prejudices against race, prejudices against families, and prejudices against religion.”) Each subsequent body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and a transitional device. (“A less known, or at least, less obvious prejudice is prejudice against a family, or familial prejudice.”) The author effectively concludes the essay in the final paragraph by making an effective connection between the novel and him/herself. (“Whenever I see some racist act in the news, I think, “I am glad I am not racist.” But after reading this book I think we should examine ourselves to see if we are prejudice…”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The author uses precise and artful word choice in this response (“Prejudice is rampant in our world. Not just racism, but a slue of camouflaged prejudices that often does not get enough attention.”) and effectively demonstrates a control of voice (“In Maycomb County, there is a family, called the Randles, who hold to an overzealous form of religion that makes the ascetic life of a monk look like the life of a bawdy commoner.”). This student demonstrates an awareness of audience and purpose through such effective language use.

Mechanics & Conventions

Although some errors in grammar (“Lastly, there are the Ewells. Seen as the scum-bags of Maycomb.”), spelling (“innocence”), and punctuation do exist, these mistakes do not detract from the intended message in any way.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One blade of an unwanted species of grass can ruin Ms. Maudie's whole lawn. Likewise, one spark of prejudice can ruin a whole community. Prejudice can sneak into our lives in many different forms and destroy us. It blinds us against many different people, and compels us to judge unwisely. Some of the types of prejudice that were occurring in To Kill a Mockingbird are racial, prejudice against abnormal people, and prejudice against poverty.

Some form prejudiced opinions of their peers based on what race they are. In To Kill a Mockingbird Tom Robinson was convicted by the jury because he was African American. The majority of Harper Lee's reader's see from the evidence presented in the court that Tom Robinson was innocent, and Mayella Ewell told a falsehood, as well as her undecent father, Bob Ewell. But because Mayella white, and Tom Robinson was African American, they were blinded against the logical answer and saw only his black skin. Being prejudiced against a race can lead to horrible things. In To Kill a Mockingbird it indirectly lead to the death of the mockingbird Tom Robinson.

Others fear people who are different from themselves. We all know how it feels to be gossiped about, or excluded. This happened many times in To Kill a Mockingbird. It happened to Mr. Raymond. Because he was different people were prejudiced against him. So as a result he sipped Coca-Cola from a paper bag, letting people suppose it was alcohol to have a reason to hate him. Prejudice against the abnormal drives people to exclude people whom just have a different way of living. As a result they don't have any friends. And who likes to be friendless?

Another type of prejudice that occurred in Harper Lee's book is prejudice against poverty. Some of the people in Maycomb, and sadly some people in our community judge others on their worldly wealth. Is that what really matters? No, it's the riches you possess in values and traits. In To Kill a Mockingbird, the Cunninghams are as poor as poor can be. And because of that they're stereotyped. Just because the Cunninghams may not have worldly wealth, does that mean they're any less of a good person?

Just like Ms. Maudie's unwanted grass, prejudice can destroy us. And we have to be worried about more than one kind of prejudice sneaking into our community. We have racial prejudice, prejudice against people with poverty, and prejudice against the abnormal as well as other unmentioned. One person can change things for good. Let us be that person and try not to let our community be hurt by prejudice like it was in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay completes a thorough analysis of the prejudices in the novel. In the introduction, the author establishes a focused controlling idea. (“Some of the types of prejudice that were occurring in To Kill a Mockingbird are racial, prejudice against abnormal people, and prejudice against poverty.”) This thesis even provides an organizational structure for the development of the essay. The concept is maintained and developed throughout the essay by making important connections between the task and the novel. In this response, the author effectively completes all parts of the assignment.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the novel. For example, in the first body paragraph, the author discusses instances of racism in the book and supports the interpretation by incorporating important details from the text. (“In To Kill a Mockingbird Tom Robinson was convicted by the jury because he was African American. The majority of Harper Lee's reader's see from the evidence presented in the court that Tom Robinson was innocent, and Mayella Ewell told a falsehood, as well as her undecent father, Bob Ewell. But because Mayella white, and Tom Robinson was African American, they were blinded against the logical answer and saw only his black skin.”) The third and fourth body paragraphs continue to develop the main idea, but could be further improved by including even more details and examples from the text.

Organization

This essay displays unified organization. The introduction begins with a very interesting attention-getter (“One blade of an unwanted species of grass can ruin Ms. Maudie's whole lawn. Likewise, one spark of prejudice can ruin a whole community.”) and proceeds to develop the author’s controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and a transition. (“Another type of prejudice that occurred in Harper Lee's book is prejudice against poverty.”) The conclusion sums up the author’s main point quite effectively using a call to action. (“One person can change things for good. Let us be that person and try not to let our community be hurt by prejudice like it was in To Kill a Mockingbird. “)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“Prejudice can sneak into our lives in many different forms and destroy us. It blinds us against many different people, and compels us to judge unwisely.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Some of the people in Maycomb, and sadly some people in our community judge others on their worldly wealth. Is that what really matters? No, it's the riches you possess in values and traits.”) Overall, the essay exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

While this essay is not without errors in conventions and mechanics (“Harper Lee's reader's”), the mistakes in spelling, grammar, and punctuation are few and do not interfere with the author’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book To Kill A Mockingbird many different types of prejudice are shown. One of the first big types that was shown was prejudice against the unknown. Racial prejudice was shown throughout this whole book. Religious prejudice was also a smaller type that was shown. The book really showed how many ways we can show prejudice against other people and things.

There is prejudice about the unknown. Jem, Scout, and Dill showed prejudice against Arthur "Boo" Radley even though they barely knew about him. A lot of people jump to conclusions about people and things that they don't know about. Just because something is new to you, you shouldn't judge it.

Racial prejudice was shown throughout this book as well. When Tom Robinson was accused of rape, his accusers were trashy people. Almost everybody had to have thought, even a little bit, that Tom Robinson was innocent. Tom Robinson was found guilty because no black man would ever win a case over a white man then. Our outside appearance doesn't always show who we really are, as proved in this book.

Religious prejudice was a smaller prejudice that was shown. Jem and Scout's aunt, Aunt Alexandra, didn't want Scout and Jem going to Calpurnia's church because it was the church that the black people went to. She didn't realize that both churches were teaching the same principle: be a good person. We shouldn't be denied anything because of what church we go to. The book shows that you can still be a good person, no matter what church you go to.

The book did a good job of showing how prejudice has many forms and how it affects lives. Jem, Scout, and Dill showed against the unknown. The whole town showed racial prejudice against Tom Robinson and the other blacks. Aunt Alexandra showed prejudice by not letting Jem and Scout go to Calpurnia's church. The prejudice in this book taught a great lesson that everybody who reads it should remember it for the rest of their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The author clearly attempts to establish a controlling idea based on the concept of prejudice in the novel. (“In the book To Kill A Mockingbird many different types of prejudice are shown.”) However, he/she is not as successful in supporting the thesis and developing ideas. This response offers a somewhat basic analysis and makes some connections between the task and the text. (“The book did a good job of showing how prejudice has many forms and how it affects lives.”)

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the author’s controlling idea. This second paragraph centers on the unknown (“Jem, Scout, and Dill showed prejudice against Arthur "Boo" Radley even though they barely knew about him.”), but could be improved with further elaboration and more details from the text. The third paragraph focuses on racial prejudice. (“Tom Robinson was found guilty because no black man would ever win a case over a white man then.”) The final paragraph explores the effects of religious prejudice. (“Jem and Scout's aunt, Aunt Alexandra, didn't want Scout and Jem going to Calpurnia's church because it was the church that the black people went to. She didn't realize that both churches were teaching the same principle: be a good person.“) This student adequately supports his/her ideas using some specific and accurate evidence from the novel.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph lacks a method to engage the reader, but does develop an outline for the rest of the essay. Each subsequent body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence and even an occasional transition. (“Racial prejudice was shown throughout this book as well.”) The conclusion adequately summarizes the author’s point and explains what he/she wants the audience to take away from this essay. (“The prejudice in this book taught a great lesson that everybody who reads it should remember it for the rest of their lives.”)

Language Use & Style

The author shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is accurate and appropriate. (“Our outside appearance doesn't always show who we really are, as proved in this book.”) Sentences are correctly structured and exhibit some variety, but they are not sophisticated. (“A lot of people jump to conclusions about people and things that they don't know about. Just because something is new to you, you shouldn't judge it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author does commit a few minor errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these mistakes do not interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the movie To Kill a MockingBird there was alot of prejudice in the comunnity. The Klu Klux Klan is a very big exsamole. The klu Klux Klan did not like African Americans. They also did not like any other white person who liked African Americans.

In the movie there were a few of exsamples, for instance adicus is a layer and He's defending an African American who is accused of raping a white woman, but there is know evidence.In the trial the whites are stunned because a colored man felt sorry for a white woman, so he helped her out sometimes.

Then the layer Adicus proved the defendant not guilty, but the jurries were all white.Because they were all white and the man accused of rape was african american they charged him not guilty. Then a few days later the man was killed.The court had know proof the colored man was guilty of raping the white woman.Adicus the defendants layer had said some physical health reasons on some half of why he could'nt of beat the woman then rape her.

When Adicus went to deliver the news to the family of the man Adicus came out finding a man who seem to be a memeber of the klu klux klan looking in his car at his son.Then the man spit in Adicus face and Adicus drove off.When he drove off the man held up a one to adicus he gave him a warnimg.

Then when Adicus'es children were walking home from a play a the man from the car insident atacked his children.Adicus son got beat unconsious . The daughter was safe these events are happended to Adicus because he defended a african american man. This was prejudice in the 1900's.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the author attempts to establish a controlling idea (“In the movie To Kill a MockingBird there was alot of prejudice in the comunnity.”), but it is not fully appropriate for this assignment. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the novel and makes few connections between the task and the text. (“The Klu Klux Klan is a very big exsamole.”) This essay lacks an adequate focus and meaning in its response.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide some examples that signify the discrimination in the book, they are not fully developed or elaborated. In the second paragraph, for instance, the student uses an example of racial discrimination to support his/her controlling idea. However, this example lacks more specific and relevant details and connections. (“In the movie there were a few of exsamples, for instance adicus is a layer and He's defending an African American who is accused of raping a white woman, but there is know evidence.In the trial the whites are stunned because a colored man felt sorry for a white woman, so he helped her out sometimes.”)

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response, but it is uncertain and ineffective. The introduction is noticeable, but it fails to engage the reader and establish a clear and focused controlling idea. Three paragraphs make up the body of this essay, but each of them lacks focus, a topic sentence, and transitions. The last paragraph acts more like a body paragraph than a conclusion because it does not summarize the points of the essay or share the meaning of the text.

Language Use & Style

Although the language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. Sentences are often simple, unclear, or repetitive, but they are not faulty in structure. (“The Klu Klux Klan is a very big exsamole. The klu Klux Klan did not like African Americans. They also did not like any other white person who liked African Americans.”) Word choice is often problematic, insufficient and lacking variety. (“The court had know proof the colored man was guilty of raping the white woman.Adicus the defendants layer had said some physical health reasons on some half of why he could'nt of beat the woman then rape her.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“exsamole”), grammar (“The court had know proof”), and punctuation (“In the movie there were a few of exsamples, for instance adicus is a layer and He's defending”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Stop, Look , Listen, and read on to tell you my paper on to kill a mockingbird. There was different kinds of prejudice. Here are a few: Racial, Religious, Gender, and Economic.

Racial is when you don't like there skin color. It is like in the story when they called Addacis a nigger-lover. He was only protecting his rights as a lawyer. It is his job. Anther one was when the Ku Klux Klan came and killed john they said he was running away.

Religious is when your against there religion. For instants they could be against Christians. They can be against caloric. They could be against Goth. That is religious.

Gender is when you judge if there a male,or a female. Some people dont like people that are bi or something that I am not going to write down.

Economic is something that i really dont know so there isnt a lot to say about.

So do you know some of these things that i talked about? if you do you should stop reading a write a paper about these things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“There was different kinds of prejudice. Here are a few: Racial, Religious, Gender, and Economic.”), but it is vague and doesn’t make a connection to the novel. There is no clear understanding of the purpose of this task and how To Kill a Mockingbird relates to this assignment. The focus and meaning in this response are minimal.

Content & Development

This essay mentions various types of discrimination, but the references to the text are minimal and supporting examples are not established. For example, the second paragraph attempts to discuss racial discrimination message, but the references and details are only briefly mentioned. They are not adequately developed or even connected to the assigned task. (“Racial is when you don't like there skin color. It is like in the story when they called Addacis a nigger-lover. He was only protecting his rights as a lawyer. It is his job. Anther one was when the Ku Klux Klan came and killed john they said he was running away.“) In the fourth and fifth paragraphs, it seems as though the author gives up attempting to develop ideas altogether. (“Economic is something that i really dont know so there isnt a lot to say about.”)

Organization

Little evidence of a unified organization is detected in this response. The author obviously does attempt to construct some sort of a structure through paragraphs. However, the introduction is underdeveloped and poorly explains the writing task. (“Stop, Look , Listen, and read on to tell you my paper on to kill a mockingbird. There was different kinds of prejudice.”) Each of the body paragraphs lacks a good topic sentence and transitional devices. Some paragraphs are only one or two sentences in length. The concluding paragraph is completely irrelevant and inadequate.

Language Use & Style

The author uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and often seems unaware of the audience. (“Gender is when you judge if there a male,or a female. Some people dont like people that are bi or something that I am not going to write down.”) This student also makes basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“Economic is something that i really dont know so there isnt a lot to say about.”) Overall, poor language use and style detract further from the impression of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“that i talked about”), grammar (“There was different kinds”), and mechanics question the author’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In book, To Kill A Mockingbird, there are many scenes that show prejudice. When Calpurnia is watching the children and has to take them to church the next day Lulu comes up to Calpurnia and asks her why she was bringing white children into a nigger church. Has referring to Jem and Scout.

When Tom Robinson rapped the girl. And they all went to court and asked Robinson question and Mr. Ewell.

This book was a good book so far and I really enjoyed it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the author fails to establish an analysis of the text. Although there is some semblance of a controlling idea (“In book, To Kill A Mockingbird, there are many scenes that show prejudice.”), there are no connections made between the novel, the central idea, and the task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. The author shares two instances of discrimination from the book, but the examples are out of context, vague, and significantly underdeveloped. (“When Tom Robinson rapped the girl. And they all went to court and asked Robinson question and Mr. Ewell.”) The content isn’t meaningful and is entirely inappropriate.

Organization

In this short response, it is difficult to discern any type of structure. There are no clear introductory or concluding paragraphs. The last attempt at a paragraph is only one sentence in length. (“This book was a good book so far and I really enjoyed it.”) Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques.

Language Use & Style

Even in such a short response, it is evident that the author has difficulty using clear and coherent language. (“Has referring to Jem and Scout.”) Sentence structure and word choice are very faulty and inadequate. (“When Tom Robinson rapped the girl. And they all went to court and asked Robinson question and Mr. Ewell.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this brief response, the author demonstrates a lack of ability to control the conventions and mechanics of standard written English. The errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar are distracting to the reader. (“Has referring to Jem and Scout.”)

“Remember” by Joy Harjo

Read the poem “Remember” by Joy Harjo. After reading the poem, write a multi-paragraph essay in which you analyze the meaning of the poem. In your essay, use examples from the poem to support your interpretation. Be sure to explain how literary devices are used in the poem to add to its meaning. Such devices may include symbolism, imagery, simile, metaphor, repetition, etc.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem "Remember" by Joy Harjo holds a deep meaning for every human being. The main point that the writer wants to express to the readers is to "remember." The writer creates numerous repetitions of the word "remember," beginning most of the sentences with it. The reason that the writer begins the lines with the word "remember" and repeats it is that the writer wants the readers to keep something significant in our minds all the time. The writer says "remember" because it is highly probable that we will forget, or already have forgotten, this important fact. By titling the poem and beginning so many lines with the word "remember," the writer is hinting us that there is something vital for all of us that we must not forget.

The writer wants us to remember things of nature, things that are from nature itself, not us, such as "the sky that you were born under," "the sun's birth at dawn," and "the plants, trees, animal life." The writer reminds us of the Mother Nature around us, the authentic, natural things, the things that humans are gradually disregarding and forgetting. Most things we use and see in our world today are derived from technological advances. We are surrounded by synthetic things created by mankind, things we created from our own faulted minds, not the things of nature, things from God. We must remember, according to the author, the fact that if it were not for all of nature, we would not be "us." We would cease to exist without nature, and we would not be ourselves without nature.

Two lines in the poem, "the sun's birth at dawn, that is the strongest point of time" and "your birth, how your mother struggled to give you form and breath," are parallel to each other and each line symbolizes the other. The sunrise is the most powerful point in time because it marks the beginning of everything. It marks the beginning of a new day, and it is the strongest point in time because at that very moment, the darkness ceases to exist and light enters the world. This is very identical to our births. Our mothers struggled to give us life, to mark the beginning of our lives, to make it possible for us to live. When, after all the trouble, we came out as a new live being, it was the greatest moment because despite all the darkness, there is something much better, something that overwhelms troubles and darkness.

The writer emphasizes the fact that "you are all people and that all people are you." This explains the fact that the nub of the world is in every human being, and at the same time, the center of every human being is everything in the world. The phrase "red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth, brown earth, we are earth" supports that main point. The different-colored earths symbolize all the differences among the things of the world, especially the color of our skin. We humans like to segregate and group things into different kinds, including ourselves. However, we must realize that despite our minor, trivial variables, we are all one. We may all be different sub-categories, unique individuals, but we are also part of one huge category, which groups us all together. One person may be white, intelligent, tall, and funny and hold other innumerable attributes, but the person is still a human being, just like the rest of us. We must remember that we are all one, and we must amalgamate ourselves into one being, not into races like Korean, Hispanic, and Caucasian. In the phrase "You are evidence of her life, and her mother's, and hers," "her life" is an emblem of everything in the world as well as our mothers. We are the evidences because without us, they would not be them because we are what characterize our mothers and the things around us, and vice-versa. We would not be ourselves if it were not for our mothers, "plants, trees, animal life," "your father," and all the things in the world that affect us.

The writer gives us numerous examples and signs of the wonderful things of nature, things that caused us to be born, and things that we must never forget. The writer gives us the most important reason to "remember," the reason why we must continue to live and rejoice upon the blessings of our lives. There are numerous things in nature that provide so much exuberance and catalysts in our lives, such as "the sun's birth at dawn... the strongest point of time"; however, we unfortunately overlook these blessings. We must recognize these blessings and appreciate them because they are what create, conform, and transform us. And that is exactly why we must "remember."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response departs in some ways from what the reader might expect from a high-scoring response to this writing task. While the writer does not belabor the literary techniques implicit in the poem, she or he does touch on them in the course of discussing the pivotal themes in the poem. The essay remains focused on the task (“The poem ‘Remember’ by Joy Harjo holds a deep meaning for every human being”), establishes an in-depth analysis of the poem, and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary techniques.

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, the writer develops ideas fully and artfully, frequently citing evidence and referring to specific lines from the poem to support the central theme, but does so in an authoritative manner that retains the reader’s focus on the writer’s interpretation; thus the reader does not feel like s/he is simply “re-reading” the poem throughout the course of the essay (“The writer creates numerous repetitions of the word ‘remember,’ beginning most of the sentences with it ... The writer wants us to remember things of nature, things that are from nature itself, not us, such as ‘the sky that you were born under,’ ‘the sun's birth at dawn,’ and ‘the plants, trees, animal life’” and “Two lines in the poem, ‘the sun's birth at dawn, that is the strongest point of time’ and ‘your birth, how your mother struggled to give you form and breath,’ are parallel to each other and each line symbolizes the other”). As noted, the writer is adept at pointing out the connections between the poem’s literary styles and the themes (“The different-colored earths symbolize all the differences among the things of the world, especially the color of our skin. We humans like to segregate and group things into different kinds, including ourselves. However, we must realize that despite our minor, trivial variables, we are all one”).

Organization

The overall impact of the organizational scheme in this response is an effective one. Following the opening line of the essay (“The poem ‘Remember’ by Joy Harjo holds a deep meaning for every human being”), the writer launches right into the analysis of the poem. While not a poor strategy, the reader might be left wanting a little more “lead-in” to the essay. The conclusion is quite satisfying, however, briefly summarizing the author’s argument and leaving the reader with something to contemplate (“We must recognize these blessings and appreciate them because they are what create, conform, and transform us. And that is exactly why we must ‘remember’”). In general, the essay is cohesive and unified, flowing quickly and almost effortlessly from beginning to end.

Language Use & Style

The writer uses a language style in this essay that is complex, descriptive, and authoritative. Choosing words and structuring sentences well, the writer’s voice is well-defined and shows a clear sense of the audience (“Most things we use and see in our world today are derived from technological advances. We are surrounded by synthetic things created by mankind, things we created from our own faulted minds, not the things of nature, things from God. When, after all the trouble, we came out as a new live being, it was the greatest moment because despite all the darkness, there is something much better, something that overwhelms troubles and darkness”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay shows very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are present to interfere with the transmission of the writer’s message. (“Most things we use and see in our world today are derived from technological advances. We are surrounded by synthetic things created by mankind, things we created from our own faulted minds, not the things of nature, things from God.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Every narrative poem and story of all types has a certain meaning and message to express and explain. The poem "Remember" has a wide range of meanings and messages hidden within the text in very complicated ways. The poem expresses the meanings and importance of life through several metaphors, and hidden imagery throughout the excerpt.

The poem "Remember" uses beautiful imagery and literary devices that send out messages throughout the poem. This poem is being narrated through the point of view of the first person in a very serious, yet mellow tone. One of the many messages or themes that this poem presents to it's reader in the first few lines is that every person on this world was created in the same way and of the same things. This message also relates to this part of the poem when Joy Harjo said, "Remember your birth, how your mother struggled to give you form and breath." From this passage I think that the message of this poem is also that in life we should be thankful for our creation in this life because our role in life completes the lifes of others, such as our parents and also our loved ones.

This poem is a type of metaphorical poem, and yet not one. The story uses many metaphors such as, "we are earth". This metaphor in the poem explains how our roles and life on this planet makes it up, also that when our time is up in this world our bodies dissolve and turn into the ground and soil that make up the earth. I also think that the message of the story is that all humans make up one race rather, rather than dividing us humans by color of skin we should all be considered one, and equal. This message is proven within the excerpt when Joy says, "Remember the earth whose skin you are: red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth, brown earth, we are earth."

Another one of the many messages expressed in the story is that our lives and culture has effects on everyone around us, including mother earth. I think that the message is explaining that every living creature no matter what they may be, or how insignificant they are, they each have stories and cultures to explain as well. This is expressed in the story when Joy says, "Remember the plants, trees, animal life who all have their tribes, their families, their histories, too." The message is also that only mother nature or whatever god we believe in knows the creation of our world.

One other of the many messages that this story explains is that like all humans all are created equal and all feel the same pain and pleasures that everyone does, and this is stated here, "Remember that you are all pople and that all people are you." This moral also is capable of reflecting how everyone is connected to each other and that together all of us humans make up this world, and most of all the future of this worl and our peolpe.

In conclusion I've discovered that "Remember" contains multiple meanings that explain some of the many significant aspects of life. Whether poems are narrated through the point of view from the first or second person each one explains in detail vitues and morals of life that would not have been able to have been explained through free words. This author however uses metaphors and strong tone to discuss with the audience the significance of life, and that in some twisted way every living organism is connected to eachother. This poem reflects how one action of one person effects the life of another some where else. "Remember that you are this universe and that this universe is you."- Joy Harjo.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response shows good focus and establishes a thorough analysis of the poem. In the opening paragraph, for instance, the writer claims outright that, “The poem ‘Remember’ has a wide range of meanings and messages hidden within the text in very complicated ways. The poem expresses the meanings and importance of life through several metaphors, and hidden imagery throughout the excerpt.” This controlling idea responds very clearly to the assigned task and remains central to the ensuing discussion.

Content & Development

Throughout the course of the four body paragraphs, the writer makes several claims using a variety of specific and accurate evidence about how the meaning of the poem is enhanced through the use of various literary devices. The second and third paragraphs accomplish this task handily (“This poem is being narrated through the point of view of the first person in a very serious, yet mellow tone ... presents to it's reader … that every person on this world was created in the same way and of the same things” and

“The story uses many metaphors such as, ‘we are earth’. This metaphor in the poem explains how our roles and life on this planet makes it up”). The fourth and fifth paragraphs present additional themes to the reader (“culture has effects on everyone” and “all humans all are created equal”), although they lack any reference to literary devices.

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction (“The poem ‘Remember’ has a wide range of meanings and messages hidden within the text in very complicated ways”) and conclusion (“In conclusion I've discovered that ‘Remember’ contains multiple meanings that explain some of the many significant aspects of life”). The body paragraphs are each focused, although the transitions from one paragraph could be improved. Ending the essay with a significant quote from the poem is clever and shows finesse on the part of the writer.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is adequate for this task, although it is not exceptional. Indeed, it may be said that the writer’s use of language is the weakest component of this essay. While the words are chosen and fielded reasonably well, the writer shows some signs of difficulty creating tight, clear sentences (“From this passage I think that the message of this poem is also that in life we should be thankful for our creation in this life because our role in life completes the lifes of others, such as our parents and also our loved ones” and “I think that the message is explaining that every living creature no matter what they may be, or how insignificant they are, they each have stories and cultures to explain as well”).

Mechanics & Conventions

While several errors in sentence construction, as well as grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“This author however uses metaphors”), and spelling (“future of this worl and our peolpe”), can be detected, the writer nonetheless shows good control of the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is life?What are all the aspects of it? In "Remember," Joy Harjo uses the stylistic devices imagery, ambiguities, and diction to show that you should always remember who you are and where your from and the things that surround you because when you don't you take for granted what you have. Life is all around us but sometimes we don't know it.

The first stylistic device the author uses is imagery. "Remember the moon, know who she is." (line 3). The author in this line refers to the moon as a girl. This makes the moon of even more importance because it means that "she" has a purpose here on the universe. "Remember the sun's birth at dawn, that is the strongest point of time." (4/5). In this line that author uses personification to make the sun seem like it's a baby that's just been born like a mother giving birth to her child.

Another stylistic device the author uses is ambiguity . "Remember the wind. Remember her voice. She knows the origin of this universe." (17/18). Who is the wind? What is she saying? What is the origin of this universe? The author uses ambiguities to emphamize the meaning behind this poem. The author also uses ambiguities to leave the reader to ponder about who this wind is that knows how we came to be. "Remember that all is in motion, is growing, is you." (21/22). Who is all? This line is another example of an ambiguity.

The last styistic device the author uses is diction. "Remember." (26). Almost every sentence in the poem starts off with remember this shows you that it plays a significant part in the theme behind this poem. In line 26 the author uses the word by its self to make the reader think about there own life and if they "remember."

Remember that life is around you and you should be aware of it because when you don't you start to take it for grant it. In "Remember," Roy Harjo uses the stylistic devices imagery, ambiguity, and diction to show the theme of the poem. When we do remember who we are and where we come from we realize how this universe of ours is so beautiful. It's what gives us our personilities, our dreams, and our hopes.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer presents to the reader an adequately focused essay that makes connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary elements. The controlling idea is made clear from the very beginning (“In ‘Remember,’ Joy Harjo uses the stylistic devices imagery, ambiguities, and diction to show that you should always remember who you are and where your from”) and remains at the center of the discussion. It is clear that this writer has invested some thought into comprehending what this poem is trying to say and how it does so.

Content & Development

We see in this essay an attempt to show how three literary devices are used to communicate a message through the poem (“The first stylistic device the author uses is imagery,” “Another stylistic device the author uses is ambiguity,” and “The last styistic device the author uses is diction”). Notice though, that the writer also ties these literary devices to the concepts they communicate (“This makes the moon of even more importance because it means that ‘she’ has a purpose here on the universe,” “The author also uses ambiguities to leave the reader to ponder,” and “this shows you that it plays a significant part in the theme behind this poem”). While the amount of supporting detail supplied by the writer is minimal, the framework of support is entirely adequate to the assigned task.

Organization

This essay is adequately organized. The introduction outlines what the essay will say (“Life is all around us but sometimes we don't know it”), while the conclusion likewise summarizes what has been said. Note though, how the conclusion also cleverly attempts to share with the reader a broader importance of the poem itself (“When we do remember who we are and where we come from we realize how this universe of ours is so beautiful. It's what gives us our personilities, our dreams, and our hopes”). The body paragraphs flow well from one to the other, and each is tightly focused around a discrete segment of the author’s argument.

Language Use & Style

While the writer uses words that are clearly appropriate to both the audience and the assignment, some difficulty in structuring sentences is evident (“This makes the moon of even more importance because it means that ‘she’ has a purpose here on the universe” and “Remember that life is around you and you should be aware of it because when you don't you start to take it for grant it”). Otherwise, the writer’s voice shows signs of control and authority (“Who is the wind? What is she saying? What is the origin of this universe? The author uses ambiguities to emphamize the meaning behind this poem”).

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer demonstrates adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Some errors in grammar, mechanics (“Almost every sentence in the poem starts off with remember this shows you that it plays a significant part in the theme behind this poem”), punctuation, and spelling (“personilities”) are evident, although they are not likely to distract the reader from appreciating the writer’s message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Remember" by Joy Harjo demonstrates to us how important life can be. In my opinion it teaches us to value the smallest and most insignificant things and the most important things. Many people do not even think about the sky, moon, and sun but without them we would not even be here.

This poem shows us how your mother struggled to give birth to and how people are a part of both of your parents not just your mother but your father as well. It shows that the color of the earth is organisms and it does not matter what color organisms are, as it says " Remember the earth whose skin you are: red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth, brown earth, we are all earth." This poem explains that plants, trees, and animals are also alive and that they have their own priorities such as a tribe, family, and history.

"Remember" gives images about how everything in the earth such as trees and plants are alive, they also have their own language and they are to be listened to and this shows personification. It gives details that the wind has a voice and it helps at times such as to navigate and hurts at times like when there is a hurricane. It shows that organisms are the universe, and that all is organisms. The talks about how we have developed a language and that dances can be language as well because without language we could not communicate and that is one of the most important things of life.

This poem helps people realize about all of the little and unimportant things, and the most important things. "Remember" helps them realize that animals are real and so are plants. This poem will help some people understand that their cruel behavior to plants and animals is not right and that they have families, and tribes as well. "Remember" is basically self-titled and help remind people that everything is important.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the reader is presented with a basic interpretation of the poem’s meaning and a hint of how literary devices are used to convey it (“‘Remember’ gives images about how everything in the earth such as trees and plants are alive”). The writer states a central thesis clearly and remains focused on it, for the most part, throughout the essay (“In my opinion it teaches us to value the smallest and most insignificant things and the most important things”).

Content & Development

The writer’s development of his or her central thesis is present, but limited in scope. In the second paragraph, the writer cites a line from the poem, but as a whole, it is unclear how this paragraph supports the writer’s central thesis. The third paragraph does provide some additional support for the writer’s interpretation of the poem’s use of personification (“It gives details that the wind has a voice and it helps at times such as to navigate and hurts at times like when there is a hurricane. It shows that organisms are the universe, and that all is organisms”), although even here the support is vague and incomplete.

Organization

This essay demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction (“‘Remember’ by Joy Harjo demonstrates to us how important life can be”) and conclusion (“‘Remember’ is basically self-titled and help remind people that everything is important.”). Throughout the body of the essay, however, the writer’s ability to organize and cite evidence coherently from the passage is limited. While the writer does repeatedly refer back to his or her main idea (“This poem helps people realize about all of the little and unimportant things, and the most important things”), the supporting sentences appear jumbled and isolated due to a lack of an overarching structure and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language is simple, but generally adequate for the task. While the writer uses words that are at an appropriate level for this assignment, some of the sentences could be improved. As written, some of the sentences are unclear and run-on (“This poem shows us how your mother struggled to give birth to and how people are a part of both of your parents not just your mother but your father as well”). The writer also shows some control of a unique, opinionated voice (“This poem will help some people understand that their cruel behavior to plants and animals is not right and that they have families, and tribes as well”).

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer displays a budding, yet limited, control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“It shows that organisms are the universe, and that all is organisms”), mechanics (“‘Remember’ gives images about how everything in the earth such as trees and plants are alive, they also have their own language and they are to be listened to and this shows personification”), punctuation, and spelling should be corrected.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poem " Remember" is a really nice poem. I really liked it because its making you see more clear about the natural things in life and how everything in life is alike. This poem is trying to show the point of nature and how everything is a part of nature. Its showing how life has begun and how it continues.It also talks about how you should remember the good times and the bad. There were some points in this poem that I really enjoyed "Remember that yo are all people and that all people are you." I thought that it was a nice Quote beacuse, i think that everybody is alike and nobody is different we are all the same.

I remember the times when my mother would give me showers and help me with everything and make sure im safe and that im becoming healthier as i get older. She was taking good care of me. When i read this poem I remembered when my dad and mom same down and told me about my whole life as a little child and it was really cool how they remeber all the times when i was young and what i used to do.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer’s focus is only partially tuned to the assignment. The writer offers a brief, simplistic expression of the meaning of the poem (“The poem ‘ Remember’ is a really nice poem. I really liked it because its making you see more clear about the natural things in life and how everything in life is alike”), but s/he spends most of the second paragraph describing what s/he remembers from his or her childhood (“I remember the times when my mother would give me showers and help me with everything”). No references to the literary techniques used in the poem are evident and the writer’s controlling idea is undeveloped.

Content & Development

This essay contains few references to the poem and provides little support for the writer’s central idea. While some attempt is made to draw conclusions about the meaning of the poem (“Its showing how life has begun and how it continues.It also talks about how you should remember the good times and the bad”), these ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately. By the end of the essay, it is unlikely the reader would have a clear sense of what the writer’s central idea is, other than that the poem was “really nice” and talked about “natural things” and “how you should remember.”

Organization

This essay shows a minimal attempt at organization. The initial paragraph opens with a simple introductory statement (“The poem ‘ Remember’ is a really nice poem”), but the essay does not appear to offer any concluding sentiments to the reader. Throughout the body, the writer offers ideas haphazardly, with little connection to one another and no overriding guiding structure.

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates mostly poor language use in this essay. Using mostly simple words, the writer frequently allows sentences to run on (“I thought that it was a nice Quote beacuse, i think that everybody is alike and nobody is different we are all the same” and “When i read this poem I remembered when my dad and mom same down and told me about my whole life as a little child and it was really cool how they remeber all the times when i was young and what i used to do”). While some sense of the writer’s voice emerges in this essay, the language style makes it difficult for the intended audience to follow and appreciate the writer’s message.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay displays a minimal ability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation (“sure im safe and that im becoming”), and spelling (“beacuse”) substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Poetry for me is a feeling that people exprese their feelings and trying to tell us something. Some people will understand in a different way.

My respond to this poem is that it says don't ever forget things that are there for you . For example it says "Remember your birth, how your mother struggled to give you form and breath." this sentence is talking about that there are people that forget about their mother, father and without knowing that they brought us to this life and we should never ever forget about them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer shows very little focus on the assigned topic. The writer does make reference to the poem (“My respond to this poem is that it says don't ever forget things that are there for you . For example it says ‘Remember your birth, how your mother struggled to give you form and breath’”), but he or she fails to provide an analysis of the text and essentially makes no meaningful connections among the task, the ideas in the poem, and literary techniques through a controlling or central idea.

Content & Development

The writer appears to be unable to articulate and support a meaningful analysis of the poem. He or she does make a passing reference to the idea of “remembering,” but this simple reference is inadequate by itself (“this sentence is talking about that there are people that forget about their mother”).

Organization

There is little sense of a unified structure to this essay. In the opening paragraph, which can be interpreted as an introduction, the writer appears to introduce the response with a statement of the subjective nature of poetry (“Poetry for me is a feeling that people exprese their feelings and trying to tell us something. Some people will understand in a different way”), but this concept receives no further treatment by the writer. The response lacks an identifiable conclusion, and the short body paragraph provides the writer with no opportunity to link ideas or supporting evidence through transitional devices in a meaningful way.

Language Use & Style

The writer’s ability to use language to communicate ideas about the poem is limited. The words themselves are often improperly chosen as well as too simple overall, given the audience of this assignment (“My respond to this poem”). Nearly every sentence appears unclear and poorly structured, and the writer’s voice is not “present” in the essay (“this sentence is talking about that there are people that forget about their mother, father and without knowing that they brought us to this life and we should never ever forget about them”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Numerous errors in grammar, mechanics (“Poetry for me is a feeling that people exprese their feelings and trying to tell us something”), punctuation, and spelling (“exprese”) are present to significantly interfere with the writer’s ability to communicate his or her message to the intended audience. It is clear this writer has little mastery of the mechanics and conventions of writing.

Reputation in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible

In Arthur Miller's famous play The Crucible , innocent people are falsely accused of witchcraft and are killed as a result. The importance of one's reputation is one of the themes presented in the play, as the townspeople are held to very strict moral values and must uphold their good name in society. Think about how this theme applies to one or more of the characters. How do these characters feel about their reputation being tarnished? What are they willing to do to keep their good name?

In a detailed essay, choose one or more characters and discuss how this theme of reputation applies to them. Provide examples and quotations from the play to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Arthur Miller's play The Crucible, the characters struggle to keep their good names in society, as flying accusations of witchcraft are pointed at the innocent and moral. As Abigail Williams and the other young girls who begin the accusations of witchcraft start pointing fingers, one particular character, John Proctor, (a married man who, up until this time, was romantically involved with young Abigail), gets caught up in the midst of the unnecessary chaos. Proctor watches as his friends and neighbors are hung, falsely accused, and have their names tarnished, and soon becomes directly involved when his wife, Elizabeth, is under accusations. She, with her coincidentally timely pregnancy, is allowed nine months to live before she is hung (if, of course, she does not confess and give names). During this time, Proctor is accused. He struggles with himself and feels as though he is not as "good" as he should be, although most in the society think very highly of him. It is difficult for him to accept his tarnishing reputation, and in order to prove himself, he feels he must strictly abide by his beliefs and values; even to the death. Reputations are funny things, and what this one man will do to keep his respected name, could end his life.

John Proctor is a man of the church; he goes to Sunday meetings as often as he can and loves his Lord and the gospel. There is, however, one particular commandment Proctor has had run-ins with…adultery. Although happily married, the beautiful Abigail tempts him, and he becomes romantically involved with her to the point when she truly believes he loves her. Knowing this was wrong, Proctor cuts the relationship short, and vows to become a better man. No one having known of this affair, he struggles inwardly with his sense of character and virtue. Many, if not all, in the society think very highly of him, and have great respect for him. His outward aura is that of a virtuous, obedient, and hardworking man of the church; a man who is happily married and is loyal. As he fights to navigate back to the path of righteousness, he encounters the chaos that is witchcraft, forcing him to decide between right and wrong. His inner struggle, the fight between his carnal and moral man, was about to end, and one would soon prevail. This reputation affects his entire life, causing strife and pain.

John Proctor is in absolute emotional turmoil over his tarnished reputation. Once accused, he has to make the choice between life and death; between his character and his name. The court did not only want Proctor to confess to witchcraft, but to also give names and sign a paper to be hung on the door of the church, proclaiming his confession. "Hang me," he says, "but do not post my pronouncement. Protect my name." His name and reputation are two very important things in his life that he holds close. He does not want to be seen as an immoral and hypocritical minister, but rather as a good man with strong values. Signing and posting this waiver meant the equivalent of death. . . not a physical death, but the utter destruction and hopeless demise of his good reputation; an idea that to John Proctor was seemingly worse than a hanging. The thought of his reputation being tarnished absolutely tore him apart at the seams, and the pain and frustration was seemingly unbearable.

In order to retain his good name, John Proctor was willing to do anything, including die. This was something that was of the utmost importance to him, especially after the incidents he had had with Abigail Williams. Feeling remorseful about his actions and upset with himself, it was crucial to Proctor that his name was not outwardly ruined by the fact that he had in fact been disloyal and immoral. So, as the court prompted him to sign the waiver stating that he had taken part in witchcraft, Proctor firmly declined, stating, "you already have my confession, why is it necessary to now corrupt my reputation?" The court threatened to put him to death if he refused the waiver, and after brief thought, Proctor stood his ground and took a hanging over a simple signature on a piece of paper; testament to his firm values and his good character. He felt that if he got out of this mess, at least through hanging he would not have to lie and his name would not be ruined. John Proctor was willing to die, willing to lose the life he had been given, all to protect his good reputation and name.

Reputations have an interesting way of twisting and manipulating your life. From their emotional and inward effect on your personal life, to their outward effect on your social activity, reputations can change your life for better or for worse. They are not always in your control, and sometimes the result of their existence can mean "death" to certain aspects of your life. John Proctor, an excellent example of this, was willing to actually die in order to protect his good name. At times frustrating and forever unavoidable, your reputation can affect you in ways that you could never imagine.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of the essay are very effective. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspectives of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more significant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ So, as the court prompted him to sign the waiver stating that he had taken part in witchcraft, Proctor firmly declined, stating, ‘you already have my confession, why is it necessary to now corrupt my reputation?’ The court threatened to put him to death if he refused the waiver, and after brief thought, Proctor stood his ground and took a hanging over a simple signature on a piece of paper; testament to his firm values and his good character. He felt that if he got out of this mess, at least through hanging he would not have to lie and his name would not be ruined. ”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“During this time, Proctor is accused. He struggles with himself and feels as though he is not as ‘good’ as he should be, although most in the society think very highly of him. It is difficult for him to accept his tarnishing reputation, and in order to prove himself, he feels he must strictly abide by his beliefs and values; even to the death. Reputations are funny things, and what this one man will do to keep his respected name, could end his life.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ No one having known of this affair, he struggles inwardly with his sense of character and virtue. Many, if not all, in the society think very highly of him, and have great respect for him. His outward aura is that of a virtuous, obedient, and hardworking man of the church; a man who is happily married and is loyal. As he fights to navigate back to the path of righteousness, he encounters the chaos that is witchcraft, forcing him to decide between right and wrong. His inner struggle, the fight between his carnal and moral man, was about to end, and one would soon prevail. This reputation affects his entire life, causing strife and pain.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“So, as the court prompted him to sign the waiver stating that he had taken part in witchcraft, Proctor firmly declined, stating, ‘you already have my confession, why is it necessary to now corrupt my reputation?’ The court threatened to put him to death if he refused the waiver, and after brief thought, Proctor stood his ground and took a hanging over a simple signature on a piece of paper; testament to his firm values and his good character. He felt that if he got out of this mess, at least through hanging he would not have to lie and his name would not be ruined. John Proctor was willing to die, willing to lose the life he had been given, all to protect his good reputation and name.”)

Important details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text are included. (“ John Proctor is in absolute emotional turmoil over his tarnished reputation. Once accused, he has to make the choice between life and death; between his character and his name. The court did not only want Proctor to confess to witchcraft, but to also give names and sign a paper to be hung on the door of the church, proclaiming his confession. ‘Hang me,’ he says, ‘but do not post my pronouncement. Protect my name.’ His name and reputation are two very important things in his life that he holds close. He does not want to be seen as an immoral and hypocritical minister, but rather as a good man with strong values. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“ John Proctor is a man of the church; he goes to Sunday meetings as often as he can and loves his Lord and the gospel. There is, however, one particular commandment Proctor has had run-ins with…adultery. Although happily married, the beautiful Abigail tempts him, and he becomes romantically involved with her to the point when she truly believes he loves her. Knowing this was wrong, Proctor cuts the relationship short, and vows to become a better man. No one having known of this affair, he struggles inwardly with his sense of character and virtue. ”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the scenario and the turmoil the main character, John Proctor, finds himself in as the story unfolds. (“ As Abigail Williams and the other young girls who begin the accusations of witchcraft start pointing fingers, one particular character, John Proctor, (a married man who, up until this time, was romantically involved with young Abigail), gets caught up in the midst of the unnecessary chaos. Proctor watches as his friends and neighbors are hung, falsely accused, and have their names tarnished, and soon becomes directly involved when his wife, Elizabeth, is under accusations. She, with her coincidentally timely pregnancy, is allowed nine months to live before she is hung (if, of course, she does not confess and give names). During this time, Proctor is accused. He struggles with himself and feels as though he is not as ‘good’ as he should be, although most in the society think very highly of him. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ In order to retain his good name, John Proctor was willing to do anything, including die. This was something that was of the utmost importance to him, especially after the incidents he had had with Abigail Williams. Feeling remorseful about his actions and upset with himself, it was crucial to Proctor that his name was not outwardly ruined by the fact that he had in fact been disloyal and immoral. So, as the court prompted him to sign the waiver stating that he had taken part in witchcraft, Proctor firmly declined, stating, ‘you already have my confession, why is it necessary to now corrupt my reputation?’ ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Reputations have an interesting way of twisting and manipulating your life. From their emotional and inward effect on your personal life, to their outward effect on your social activity, reputations can change your life for better or for worse. They are not always in your control, and sometimes the result of their existence can mean ‘death’ to certain aspects of your life. John Proctor, an excellent example of this, was willing to actually die in order to protect his good name. At times frustrating and forever unavoidable, your reputation can affect you in ways that you could never imagine.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in John Proctor’s life and the deep feelings he experiences as he agonizes over his choices throughout the story. (“ John Proctor is in absolute emotional turmoil over his tarnished reputation. Once accused, he has to make the choice between life and death; between his character and his name. The court did not only want Proctor to confess to witchcraft, but to also give names and sign a paper to be hung on the door of the church, proclaiming his confession. ‘Hang me,’ he says, ‘but do not post my pronouncement. Protect my name.’ His name and reputation are two very important things in his life that he holds close. He does not want to be seen as an immoral and hypocritical minister, but rather as a good man with strong values. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer points out the anguish of a man with a lost reputation, so that by the end of the response, the readers understand why the main character, John Proctor, is willing to choose a death by hanging rather than a life with a lost name and reputation. (“ Feeling remorseful about his actions and upset with himself, it was crucial to Proctor that his name was not outwardly ruined by the fact that he had in fact been disloyal and immoral. So, as the court prompted him to sign the waiver stating that he had taken part in witchcraft, Proctor firmly declined, stating, ‘you already have my confession, why is it necessary to now corrupt my reputation?’ The court threatened to put him to death if he refused the waiver, and after brief thought, Proctor stood his ground and took a hanging over a simple signature on a piece of paper; testament to his firm values and his good character. He felt that if he got out of this mess, at least through hanging he would not have to lie and his name would not be ruined. John Proctor was willing to die, willing to lose the life he had been given, all to protect his good reputation and name.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“No one having known of this affair, he struggles inwardly with his sense of character and virtue. Many, if not all, in the society think very highly of him, and have great respect for him. His outward aura is that of a virtuous, obedient, and hardworking man of the church; a man who is happily married and is loyal. As he fights to navigate back to the path of righteousness, he encounters the chaos that is witchcraft, forcing him to decide between right and wrong. His inner struggle, the fight between his carnal and moral man, was about to end, and one would soon prevail. This reputation affects his entire life, causing strife and pain.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, but they do not impede the writer’s message or purpose in any way.

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ The court threatened to put him to death if he refused the waiver, and after brief thought, Proctor stood his ground and took a hanging over a simple signature on a piece of paper; testament to his firm values and his good character. He felt that if he got out of this mess, at least through hanging he would not have to lie and his name would not be ruined. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you." In the play, The Crucible, many people took their reputations very seriously and saw them as something to be handled carefully, while some others were more careless with theirs. The Crucible is set in the late 17th century. It takes place in a town where a few girls falsely accused other innocent people of being witches. Many townspeople were being hanged because of these charges of witchcraft. The author weaves themes the theme of reputation throughout the story. This theme is best illustrated through the characters of John Proctor and Abigail Williams.

John Proctor is a very good example of someone who really thinks his reputation is important. Proctor sins and commits adultery. He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth. "How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!" He didn't want his children to grow up and see their father as an adulterer and liar. The only thing he wanted to keep was his name due to the fact that respect comes with it. Once he comes to admit his affair with Abigail, he no longer believes his name is stable. It becomes hard for him to overcome his sin because the shroud of guilt has already taken over. Proctor believes if he lets the townspeople put his name in a bad way out in public, it's only going to make things worse. Although he wants to live, escaping death, because a lie is not worth it, Proctor refuses to submit to signing the paper which would publicly display his offenses.

Another character, Abigail Williams, was pretty careless about her reputation. She was the leader of a group of girls who were to lie and accuse others of witchcraft. She threatened the other girls with violence and physical harm if they refused to go along with her plans. She was responsible for all the trouble that was done between them. The day Parris saw them in the woods with Tituba, she knew that Parris knew who he saw and she knew he saw her. Abigail then knew to control her behavior, if not, it would be discovered about the affair with John Proctor and the spell put on Elizabeth Proctor. Abigail, in order to divert focus others off of her and bring all attention to others, accused innocent people of doing witchcraft. Abigail lied to hide her affair and to prevent charges of witchcraft. She pretended to see spirits and told the other girls to pretend as well. Abigail tried to eliminate Puritan social restrictions, and set herself apart from the others, but this also led to her downfall. Abigail would do anything to have Proctor by her side. To do so, she knew she would have to get rid of Elizabeth. Achieving such a plan required a great deal of planning, so Abigail carefully selected the individuals that she accused. Abigail thought nothing of the fact that she had gotten innocent people killed. Towards the end of the story, Abigail finally realized that her plan had failed, and she had caused Proctor to be hanged.

Reputation is so significant in the play of The Crucible. To some, it didn't really bother their lives in any way, but others took it to the extreme to keep their good reputations. The theme the author provides could really be pointed out and recognized. I believe that someone's reputation really has a lot to do with oneself and shows a lot about a person. I believe that reputation is one thing we should always have standing on solid ground. As is often the case, like some judge books, your reputation is your front cover; it is what people see and how they judge the actions and choices in your life. How you care for your reputation can be as critical as the choices of life or death.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay contains good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on two characters that held onto their reputations in two different ways. The writer is effective in this approach and consistently keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“‘ Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.’ In the play, The Crucible, many people took their reputations very seriously and saw them as something to be handled carefully, while some others were more careless with theirs. The Crucible is set in the late 17th century. It takes place in a town where a few girls falsely accused other innocent people of being witches. Many townspeople were being hanged because of these charges of witchcraft. The author weaves themes the theme of reputation throughout the story. This theme is best illustrated through the characters of John Proctor and Abigail Williams.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, characters, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ John Proctor is a very good example of someone who really thinks his reputation is important. Proctor sins and commits adultery. He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth. ‘How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!’ He didn't want his children to grow up and see their father as an adulterer and liar. The only thing he wanted to keep was his name due to the fact that respect comes with it. Once he comes to admit his affair with Abigail, he no longer believes his name is stable. It becomes hard for him to overcome his sin because the shroud of guilt has already taken over. Proctor believes if he lets the townspeople put his name in a bad way out in public, it's only going to make things worse. Although he wants to live, escaping death, because a lie is not worth it, Proctor refuses to submit to signing the paper which would publicly display his offenses.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the things these characters did to preserve their reputations. (“ Abigail then knew to control her behavior, if not, it would be discovered about the affair with John Proctor and the spell put on Elizabeth Proctor. Abigail, in order to divert focus others off of her and bring all attention to others, accused innocent people of doing witchcraft. Abigail lied to hide her affair and to prevent charges of witchcraft. She pretended to see spirits and told the other girls to pretend as well. Abigail tried to eliminate Puritan social restrictions, and set herself apart from the others, but this also led to her downfall. Abigail would do anything to have Proctor by her side. To do so, she knew she would have to get rid of Elizabeth. Achieving such a plan required a great deal of planning, so Abigail carefully selected the individuals that she accused. Abigail thought nothing of the fact that she had gotten innocent people killed. Towards the end of the story, Abigail finally realized that her plan had failed, and she had caused Proctor to be hanged.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development to connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas using specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“John Proctor is a very good example of someone who really thinks his reputation is important. Proctor sins and commits adultery. He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth. ‘How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!’ He didn't want his children to grow up and see their father as an adulterer and liar.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Abigail, in order to divert focus others off of her and bring all attention to others, accused innocent people of doing witchcraft. Abigail lied to hide her affair and to prevent charges of witchcraft. She pretended to see spirits and told the other girls to pretend as well. Abigail tried to eliminate Puritan social restrictions, and set herself apart from the others, but this also led to her downfall. Abigail would do anything to have Proctor by her side. To do so, she knew she would have to get rid of Elizabeth. Achieving such a plan required a great deal of planning, so Abigail carefully selected the individuals that she accused. Abigail thought nothing of the fact that she had gotten innocent people killed. Towards the end of the story, Abigail finally realized that her plan had failed, and she had caused Proctor to be hanged.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“The only thing he wanted to keep was his name due to the fact that respect comes with it. Once he comes to admit his affair with Abigail, he no longer believes his name is stable. It becomes hard for him to overcome his sin because the shroud of guilt has already taken over. Proctor believes if he lets the townspeople put his name in a bad way out in public, it's only going to make things worse. Although he wants to live, escaping death, because a lie is not worth it, Proctor refuses to submit to signing the paper which would publicly display his offenses.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. It presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ ‘Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.’ In the play, The Crucible, many people took their reputations very seriously and saw them as something to be handled carefully, while some others were more careless with theirs.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ John Proctor is a very good example of someone who really thinks his reputation is important. Proctor sins and commits adultery. He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Reputation is so significant in the play of The Crucible. To some, it didn't really bother their lives in any way, but others took it to the extreme to keep their good reputations. The theme the author provides could really be pointed out and recognized. I believe that someone's reputation really has a lot to do with oneself and shows a lot about a person. I believe that reputation is one thing we should always have standing on solid ground. As is often the case, like some judge books, your reputation is your front cover; it is what people see and how they judge the actions and choices in your life. How you care for your reputation can be as critical as the choices of life or death.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Abigail, in order to divert focus others off of her and bring all attention to others, accused innocent people of doing witchcraft. Abigail lied to hide her affair and to prevent charges of witchcraft. She pretended to see spirits and told the other girls to pretend as well. Abigail tried to eliminate Puritan social restrictions, and set herself apart from the others, but this also led to her downfall.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ I believe that someone's reputation really has a lot to do with oneself and shows a lot about a person. I believe that reputation is one thing we should always have standing on solid ground. As is often the case, like some judge books, your reputation is your front cover; it is what people see and how they judge the actions and choices in your life. How you care for your reputation can be as critical as the choices of life or death. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth. ‘How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!’ He didn't want his children to grow up and see their father as an adulterer and liar. The only thing he wanted to keep was his name due to the fact that respect comes with it. Once he comes to admit his affair with Abigail, he no longer believes his name is stable. It becomes hard for him to overcome his sin because the shroud of guilt has already taken over. Proctor believes if he lets the townspeople put his name in a bad way out in public, it's only going to make things worse. Although he wants to live, escaping death, because a lie is not worth it, Proctor refuses to submit to signing the paper which would publicly display his offenses.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Proctor sins and commits adultery. He goes as far as he has to go to keep his good reputation which he struggles to keep, but eventually gives up to reveal the truth. ‘How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!’ He didn't want his children to grow up and see their father as an adulterer and liar. The only thing he wanted to keep was his name due to the fact that respect comes with it. Once he comes to admit his affair with Abigail, he no longer believes his name is stable. It becomes hard for him to overcome his sin because the shroud of guilt has already taken over. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Reputation is a major theme in The Crucible. Thomas Putnam and Parris are two major characters that continue to show a common theme of pride in their reputation. Parris and Putnam do what it takes to defend their reputations. They show this by continuing this lie to save their reputation, by accusing anyone who disrespects them, and by lying to stay out of trouble.

Parris continues the lie to save his reputation. "He has come to overthrow this court, Your Honor!" (Miller 212). Parris lies to try to get the Court to not respect Proctor. If the Court does not respect Proctor, then they will not take his word seriously, and his evidence will not do any good in trying to change the minds of the judges. He knows that this is a lie, yet he continues it. He wants it to be true though, since the scare of witchcraft started in his house. Many people have been killed because of this, and he knows it will be brought back on him. At first, Parris just goes against John Proctor, and says whatever he has to say to get him to be found guilty. Later though, Parris wants John to sign the testimony and confess, since it would be his fault if he dies. Parris continues the lie to save his reputation.

Thomas Putnam accuses anyone who disrespects him. Thomas is a very rich man, and he is the only one who can afford the land of many of the farmers. Thomas cares about his reputation, so he was angered when Giles accuses him of trying to gain land. Putnam's reputation was probably the most important thing to him. "My proof is there! If Jacobs hangs for a witch he forfeits his property-that is law! There is none but Putnam with the coin to buy so great a piece. This man is killing his neighbors for their land!" (Miller 214). Giles calls out Putnam for trying to gain land, and he is offended. He feels like his reputation is at stake, so he does what he has to in order to get Giles in trouble. Giles ended up getting crushed by stones because of this. Putnam accuses anyone who disrespects him.

Parris lies to save his reputation. "I can only say, sir, that I never found any of them naked, and this man is-" (Miller 218). He lies to save his reputation. Parris told everypne that he saw them naked originally, but now that Danforth is questioning him about the girls, including his daughter and niece, he lies to make the situation seem less bizarre. Also, his reputation of a reverend is at stake if it is known that his daughter and niece were dancing in the woods, naked, which was unheard of at the time. Parris lies to save his reputation.

Parris and Putnam show this by continuing this lie to save their reputation, by accusing anyone who disrespects them, and by lying to stay out of trouble. Reputation is a major theme in The Crucible. Thomas Putnam and Parris are two major characters that continue to show a common theme of pride in their reputation. People die, and lives are changed because a few men care about their reputations. This event in history might not have happened if these characters did not care so much about their pride and reputation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects pivotal moments from the story to illustrate the lengths characters would go to in order to protect their reputations. He/she also provides adequate details so readers can imagine the scenarios in their minds. (“Giles accuses him of trying to gain land. Putnam's reputation was probably the most important thing to him. ‘My proof is there! If Jacobs hangs for a witch he forfeits his property-that is law! There is none but Putnam with the coin to buy so great a piece. This man is killing his neighbors for their land!’ (Miller 214). Giles calls out Putnam for trying to gain land, and he is offended. He feels like his reputation is at stake, so he does what he has to in order to get Giles in trouble. Giles ended up getting crushed by stones because of this. Putnam accuses anyone who disrespects him.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer continually cites examples of the ways characters protected their reputations from the scrutiny of the townspeople. (“Parris lies to save his reputation. ‘I can only say, sir, that I never found any of them naked, and this man is-‘ (Miller 218). He lies to save his reputation. Parris told everypne that he saw them naked originally, but now that Danforth is questioning him about the girls, including his daughter and niece, he lies to make the situation seem less bizarre. Also, his reputation of a reverend is at stake if it is known that his daughter and niece were dancing in the woods, naked, which was unheard of at the time. Parris lies to save his reputation.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. Additionally, the writer chooses to implement the use of direct quotations from characters, which is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“ Giles accuses him of trying to gain land. Putnam's reputation was probably the most important thing to him. ‘My proof is there! If Jacobs hangs for a witch he forfeits his property-that is law! There is none but Putnam with the coin to buy so great a piece. This man is killing his neighbors for their land!’ (Miller 214). Giles calls out Putnam for trying to gain land, and he is offended. He feels like his reputation is at stake, so he does what he has to in order to get Giles in trouble. ”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately using some specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Parris lies to save his reputation.’I can only say, sir, that I never found any of them naked, and this man is-‘(Miller 218). He lies to save his reputation. Parris told everypne that he saw them naked originally, but now that Danforth is questioning him about the girls, including his daughter and niece, he lies to make the situation seem less bizarre. Also, his reputation of a reverend is at stake if it is known that his daughter and niece were dancing in the woods, naked, which was unheard of at the time. Parris lies to save his reputation.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ Giles accuses him of trying to gain land. Putnam's reputation was probably the most important thing to him. ‘My proof is there! If Jacobs hangs for a witch he forfeits his property-that is law! There is none but Putnam with the coin to buy so great a piece. This man is killing his neighbors for their land!’ ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Parris continues the lie to save his reputation. ‘He has come to overthrow this court, Your Honor!’ (Miller 212). Parris lies to try to get the Court to not respect Proctor. If the Court does not respect Proctor, then they will not take his word seriously, and his evidence will not do any good in trying to change the minds of the judges. He knows that this is a lie, yet he continues it. He wants it to be true though, since the scare of witchcraft started in his house. Many people have been killed because of this, and he knows it will be brought back on him. At first, Parris just goes against John Proctor, and says whatever he has to say to get him to be found guilty. Later though, Parris wants John to sign the testimony and confess, since it would be his fault if he dies. Parris continues the lie to save his reputation.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, adequate paragraphing and subtle transitional devices are used throughout the response.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Reputation is a major theme in The Crucible. Thomas Putnam and Parris are two major characters that continue to show a common theme of pride in their reputation. Parris and Putnam do what it takes to defend their reputations. They show this by continuing this lie to save their reputation, by accusing anyone who disrespects them, and by lying to stay out of trouble.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Thomas Putnam accuses anyone who disrespects him. Thomas is a very rich man, and he is the only one who can afford the land of many of the farmers. Thomas cares about his reputation, so he was angered when Giles accuses him of trying to gain land. Putnam's reputation was probably the most important thing to him. ‘My proof is there! If Jacobs hangs for a witch he forfeits his property-that is law! There is none but Putnam with the coin to buy so great a piece. This man is killing his neighbors for their land!’ (Miller 214). Giles calls out Putnam for trying to gain land, and he is offended. He feels like his reputation is at stake, so he does what he has to in order to get Giles in trouble. ”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Parris and Putnam show this by continuing this lie to save their reputation, by accusing anyone who disrespects them, and by lying to stay out of trouble. Reputation is a major theme in The Crucible. Thomas Putnam and Parris are two major characters that continue to show a common theme of pride in their reputation. People die, and lives are changed because a few men care about their reputations. This event in history might not have happened if these characters did not care so much about their pride and reputation.”)

Language Use & Style

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Giles calls out Putnam for trying to gain land, and he is offended. He feels like his reputation is at stake, so he does what he has to in order to get Giles in trouble. Giles ended up getting crushed by stones because of this. Putnam accuses anyone who disrespects him.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she supports the assertion that many characters went to great lengths to protect their reputations. (“ Parris continues the lie to save his reputation. ‘He has come to overthrow this court, Your Honor!’ (Miller 212). Parris lies to try to get the Court to not respect Proctor. If the Court does not respect Proctor, then they will not take his word seriously, and his evidence will not do any good in trying to change the minds of the judges. He knows that this is a lie, yet he continues it. He wants it to be true though, since the scare of witchcraft started in his house. Many people have been killed because of this, and he knows it will be brought back on him.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Parris lies to try to get the Court to not respect Proctor. If the Court does not respect Proctor, then they will not take his word seriously, and his evidence will not do any good in trying to change the minds of the judges. He knows that this is a lie, yet he continues it. He wants it to be true though, since the scare of witchcraft started in his house. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of most chosen words. (“Parris told everypne that he saw them naked originally, but now that Danforth is questioning him about the girls, including his daughter and niece, he lies to make the situation seem less bizarre. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Crucible by Arthur Miller. This book talks about true events about the witch trials and how the witch trials were like. It takes place back in 1692 in Salem Masschuetts. The religion back then was really ruff and if you didn't go by the rules it could lead to death. People would just lie to save themselves others would die for their name. There are two characters I can think of that would save their reputation so they wouldn't be blackened in the village. Danforth and John Proctor would do what they had to do to save their name.

To start out will be Judge Danforth. Danforth is a selfish man that only cares about what he thinks. He's thinks he has complete power over everyone and is not a shame of putting people to death. He knows that the people he is executing are innocent, but he does it any ways so his reputation doesn't look bad. He's a good example of a person that does stupid things and keeps one doing stupid things.

Second of all is John Proctor. John Proctor is a man that would do what he had to do to save his reputation and the one he loved. John Proctor did some things that he's not so proud of.....After his wife got accused of being a witch he tried everything to save her. He gave everything to the court to save his wife and himself. John didn't want his name to be ruined for his kids, so he gave away his life for his reputation.

In, conclusion this what it was like for these people. Some would give up and others would fight even if their life was at stake. The Salem Witch Trials were horrible many people died because of stupid reasons. People say why would they just lie and not die? Well people like John Proctor would not want to live a life of shame so if death is the way to go then that's were they are going.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response contains a limited analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“There are two characters I can think of that would save their reputation so they wouldn't be blackened in the village. Danforth and John Proctor would do what they had to do to save their name.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing characters fighting to maintain their good reputations, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“ To start out will be Judge Danforth. Danforth is a selfish man that only cares about what he thinks. He's thinks he has complete power over everyone and is not a shame of putting people to death. He knows that the people he is executing are innocent, but he does it any ways so his reputation doesn't look bad. ”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ This book talks about true events about the witch trials and how the witch trials were like. It takes place back in 1692 in Salem Masschuetts. The religion back then was really ruff and if you didn't go by the rules it could lead to death. People would just lie to save themselves others would die for their name. ”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay response. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“To start out will be Judge Danforth. Danforth is a selfish man that only cares about what he thinks. He's thinks he has complete power over everyone and is not a shame of putting people to death. He knows that the people he is executing are innocent, but he does it any ways so his reputation doesn't look bad. He's a good example of a person that does stupid things and keeps one doing stupid things.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“ John Proctor is a man that would do what he had to do to save his reputation and the one he loved. John Proctor did some things that he's not so proud of.....After his wife got accused of being a witch he tried everything to save her. He gave everything to the court to save his wife and himself. John didn't want his name to be ruined for his kids, so he gave away his life for his reputation. ”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“People would just lie to save themselves others would die for their name. There are two characters I can think of that would save their reputation so they wouldn't be blackened in the village. Danforth and John Proctor would do what they had to do to save their name.”)

Organization

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Crucible by Arthur Miller. This book talks about true events about the witch trials and how the witch trials were like. It takes place back in 1692 in Salem Masschuetts. The religion back then was really ruff and if you didn't go by the rules it could lead to death. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Second of all is John Proctor. John Proctor is a man that would do what he had to do to save his reputation and the one he loved. John Proctor did some things that he's not so proud of.....After his wife got accused of being a witch he tried everything to save her. He gave everything to the court to save his wife and himself. John didn't want his name to be ruined for his kids, so he gave away his life for his reputation. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is severely limited and does not summarize or give readers something to think about as the analysis of the characters and their reputations comes to a close. (“ In, conclusion this what it was like for these people. Some would give up and others would fight even if their life was at stake. The Salem Witch Trials were horrible many people died because of stupid reasons. People say why would they just lie and not die? Well people like John Proctor would not want to live a life of shame so if death is the way to go then that's were they are going. ”)

Language Use & Style

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ To start out will be Judge Danforth. Danforth is a selfish man that only cares about what he thinks. He's thinks he has complete power over everyone and is not a shame of putting people to death. He knows that the people he is executing are innocent, but he does it any ways so his reputation doesn't look bad. ”)

There are sentence fragments in the essay. (“ The Crucible by Arthur Miller. ”)

Although the writer manages to describe the repentant nature of the main character, John Proctor, in a limited way, he/she does not maintain enough focus on him or other important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the concept of reputation and what characters would be willing to do to keep their good names. (“ Second of all is John Proctor. John Proctor is a man that would do what he had to do to save his reputation and the one he loved. John Proctor did some things that he's not so proud of.....After his wife got accused of being a witch he tried everything to save her. He gave everything to the court to save his wife and himself. John didn't want his name to be ruined for his kids, so he gave away his life for his reputation. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure correct subject/verb agreement, correct punctuation and capitalization, and correct spelling and usage of chosen words. (“He's thinks he has complete power over everyone and is not a shame of putting people to death. He knows that the people he is executing are innocent, but he does it any ways so his reputation doesn't look bad.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person. In Salem witchcraft was something hudge. People were scared of witches. I think abigal did witchcraft for revenge and for attention. She wanted revenge and attention from john proctor because she liked him alot. She wanted to kill goody proctor so that she could be with john proctor. That is why i think she used witchcraft.

I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the idea of tarnished reputations; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“ I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for how far a character would go to preserve his/her reputation in the story. (“In Salem witchcraft was something hudge. People were scared of witches. I think abigal did witchcraft for revenge and for attention. She wanted revenge and attention from john proctor because she liked him alot.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the lengths people would go to in order to protect their reputations in the story. (“I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of reputation, but fails to deliver enough content to help the readers understand the ideas presented. (“I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person. In Salem witchcraft was something hudge. ”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the response. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the prompt’s theme of how far characters would go to protect their reputations. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“In Salem witchcraft was something hudge. People were scared of witches. I think abigal did witchcraft for revenge and for attention. She wanted revenge and attention from john proctor because she liked him alot. She wanted to kill goody proctor so that she could be with john proctor. That is why i think she used witchcraft.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The essay’s minimal sentence structure negatively impacts the writer’s ability to communicate an effective message. (“ In Salem witchcraft was something hudge. People were scared of witches. I think abigal did witchcraft for revenge and for attention. ”)

Not only are the writer’s word choices very simple, incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences in the essay. (“ I think john proctor wanted his reputation more then anything. He wanted to die with a good name. He wanted to be able to be with his wife and children and see his unborn baby. He did cheat with abby but at the end he confessed. It was better that he confessed better then other people finding out.”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay. (“ I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“I think these characters thats are getting there reputaions tarnished are furious. People dont like to have bad reputations being ruined beacause it makes them seem like someone there not. I would not like to have a bad reputation beacuse it would make me seem like a bad person. In Salem witchcraft was something hudge.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. It fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a clear central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine exactly what the writer is conveying in terms of the effects of reputation on characters in The Crucible . The essay is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“ In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address how far the people of Salem were willing to go to protect their reputations; however, the writer does not develop the concept in any way. (“ One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

Language Use & Style

Inadequate language use and style are provided in the essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

The structure of sentences is inadequate and ideas seem incoherent at times. (“ In this story people rather have a good reputation in their town not caring if they take one's life whose accusing them of witchcraft. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“One character in the story that was willing to take people's life away just so that she could have a good reputation in town was Abigail Willams. Abigail ask titubia to meet her and the rest of the girls in the forest so that Titubia could do some ritual spell to make the boys they wanted to love them the rest of their lives.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Responding to Frederick Douglass’s Quotation

Frederick Douglass once said, "If there is no struggle there is no progress." Based on what you have learned about Douglass, write a multi-paragraph essay explaining what you think he meant by this statement. Make sure to include details and examples to support your interpretation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Frederick Douglass was an amazing man in history that many people look back on in admiration. One of the bold statements he made was "If there is no struggle there is no progress." To many people today, these words may seem foreign, confusing, or merely another line in a history lesson. When the life behind these words is considered, however, the question left behind it all is, "will you take these words into your own actions, and will your actions support these words?" When it comes down to it, a person's past, personal experience, and what he makes of his struggle reveals the true legacy behind these simple yet powerful words.

Frederick Douglass was an influential African American abolitionist. Born a slave in Maryland , he was no stranger to struggle. Despite the law against educating slaves, he learned how to read as a child, by convincing white children to teach him. He once worked on a plantation where the owner's spouse tutored him though it was forbidden. At the age of age 17, he was sent to a slave-breaker, a man skilled in punishing disruptive slaves through whippings and backbreaking labor for endless hours and days. There was a day, however, when Douglass reached what he called "a turning point" in his life. It was the day he attacked the slave-breaker with such ferocity that the man never again "laid a whip to him." He escaped and went to Massachusetts disguised as a sailor at age 21. After describing his experiences as a slave to an antislavery convention, he became an abolitionist. His own experiences and pain experienced through slavery gave him great passion as he spoke about the evils of slavery. He spoke in Great Britain and helped form close ties among abolition groups in the two countries. Obviously, he knew something of both struggle and progress.

Today, many people can relate to controversy and speakers who support their opinion. It is natural that if someone instructs you in something they know nothing about, there is very little chance you will listen to them. On the other hand, if someone's life has been directly affected and changed by something, they demand much more respect as they speak and act on the subject. If Frederick Douglass had never experienced slavery firsthand, his movements against it would not have had made as powerful a stand. His story of rising above his oppression seems to me to demand even more attention. This does not go to say that abolitionists who were never slaves did not make as much of an impact, though; many people's lives were greatly affected by slavery. I think it is any personal connection to something that causes people to want to listen to what that person has to say about it. Once people realize there is a person behind the controversy- that real people's lives are dramatically being affected- they cannot help but at least begin thinking about it in a different life. For example, people began to look at slaves and see them as more than property.

Though struggles can break your body and your spirit as the slave breaker did to Douglass, there is something very significant that changes in a person who has gone through a trial of any sort. Everyone goes through painful situations whether it be the death of a loved one, a divorce, a major change such as moving to a new place, or any other kind of struggle. Though we have no control over these things, we can choose how they we will walk away from the situation. People can be changed by struggle by becoming bitter. After experiencing such trauma and belittled existence, Douglass could easily have become cold and angry towards all the people who had seemingly ruined his life. Instead, he took his life-changing experience and chose to make it the story of how a man became a slave and a slave became a man. It is a very powerful thing when someone endures struggle and chooses to use the passion they have gained from it as a powerful weapon to do something good. Douglass said, They who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, whey want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many water. Douglass would certainly know about strong actions that were taken at the time, having experienced slavery. So, in return, if you are not willing to suffer for what you believe, how can you profess to really believe it at all?

Frederick Douglass, one of the most influential African American abolitionists, once said "If there is no struggle there is no progress." His personal life experience gave him the right and respect to speak his opinions on slavery, and his own struggle because of slavery became the fuel for passion that helped him fight it. In the same way, when we have a strong conviction in a belief, we should determine whether there is a person behind the issue. We need to be able to personally testify its impact on lives, perhaps even our own. For as Douglass' words and actions confessed, struggling for a fight you believe in shows the power behind your opinion, and such power will bring true progress. That there is not one slave in America today proves that fact.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are found in this essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass , and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Frederick Douglass was an amazing man in history that many people look back on in admiration. One of the bold statements he made was ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ To many people today, these words may seem foreign, confusing, or merely another line in a history lesson. When the life behind these words is considered, however, the question left behind it all is, ‘will you take these words into your own actions, and will your actions support these words?’ When it comes down to it, a person's past, personal experience, and what he makes of his struggle reveals the true legacy behind these simple yet powerful words.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea very effectively. (“ Frederick Douglass, one of the most influential African American abolitionists, once said ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ His personal life experience gave him the right and respect to speak his opinions on slavery, and his own struggle because of slavery became the fuel for passion that helped him fight it. In the same way, when we have a strong conviction in a belief, we should determine whether there is a person behind the issue. We need to be able to personally testify its impact on lives, perhaps even our own. For as Douglass' words and actions confessed, struggling for a fight you believe in shows the power behind your opinion, and such power will bring true progress. That there is not one slave in America today proves that fact.”)

The essay is very effectively focused on the controlling idea with details about the ways in which Frederick Douglass overcame his struggles to achieve his freedom. (“ Though struggles can break your body and your spirit as the slave breaker did to Douglass, there is something very significant that changes in a person who has gone through a trial of any sort. Everyone goes through painful situations whether it be the death of a loved one, a divorce, a major change such as moving to a new place, or any other kind of struggle. Though we have no control over these things, we can choose how they we will walk away from the situation. People can be changed by struggle by becoming bitter. After experiencing such trauma and belittled existence, Douglass could easily have become cold and angry towards all the people who had seemingly ruined his life. Instead, he took his life-changing experience and chose to make it the story of how a man became a slave and a slave became a man. It is a very powerful thing when someone endures struggle and chooses to use the passion they have gained from it as a powerful weapon to do something good.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Frederick Douglass was an influential African American abolitionist. Born a slave in Maryland , he was no stranger to struggle. Despite the law against educating slaves, he learned how to read as a child, by convincing white children to teach him. He once worked on a plantation where the owner's spouse tutored him though it was forbidden. At the age of age 17, he was sent to a slave-breaker, a man skilled in punishing disruptive slaves through whippings and backbreaking labor for endless hours and days. There was a day, however, when Douglass reached what he called ‘a turning point’ in his life. It was the day he attacked the slave-breaker with such ferocity that the man never again ‘laid a whip to him.’ He escaped and went to Massachusetts disguised as a sailor at age 21. After describing his experiences as a slave to an antislavery convention, he became an abolitionist. His own experiences and pain experienced through slavery gave him great passion as he spoke about the evils of slavery. He spoke in Great Britain and helped form close ties among abolition groups in the two countries. Obviously, he knew something of both struggle and progress.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Today, many people can relate to controversy and speakers who support their opinion. It is natural that if someone instructs you in something they know nothing about, there is very little chance you will listen to them. On the other hand, if someone's life has been directly affected and changed by something, they demand much more respect as they speak and act on the subject. If Frederick Douglass had never experienced slavery firsthand, his movements against it would not have had made as powerful a stand. His story of rising above his oppression seems to me to demand even more attention.”)

Specific information about Frederick Douglass’s life is developed very effectively. (“Frederick Douglass was an influential African American abolitionist. Born a slave in Maryland , he was no stranger to struggle. Despite the law against educating slaves, he learned how to read as a child, by convincing white children to teach him. He once worked on a plantation where the owner's spouse tutored him though it was forbidden. At the age of age 17, he was sent to a slave-breaker, a man skilled in punishing disruptive slaves through whippings and backbreaking labor for endless hours and days. There was a day, however, when Douglass reached what he called ‘a turning point’ in his life. It was the day he attacked the slave-breaker with such ferocity that the man never again ‘laid a whip to him.’ He escaped and went to Massachusetts disguised as a sailor at age 21.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is seen throughout this essay. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ Frederick Douglass was an amazing man in history that many people look back on in admiration. One of the bold statements he made was ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ To many people today, these words may seem foreign, confusing, or merely another line in a history lesson. When the life behind these words is considered, however, the question left behind it all is, ‘will you take these words into your own actions, and will your actions support these words?’ When it comes down to it, a person's past, personal experience, and what he makes of his struggle reveals the true legacy behind these simple yet powerful words.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Today, many people can relate to controversy and speakers who support their opinion. It is natural that if someone instructs you in something they know nothing about, there is very little chance you will listen to them. On the other hand, if someone's life has been directly affected and changed by something, they demand much more respect as they speak and act on the subject.”)

The conclusion very effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“ We need to be able to personally testify its impact on lives, perhaps even our own. For as Douglass' words and actions confessed, struggling for a fight you believe in shows the power behind your opinion, and such power will bring true progress. That there is not one slave in America today proves that fact.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are very effectively connected through the writer’s inclusion of a quotation by Frederick Douglass. (“ Frederick Douglass was an amazing man in history that many people look back on in admiration. One of the bold statements he made was ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ To many people today, these words may seem foreign, confusing, or merely another line in a history lesson. When the life behind these words is considered, however, the question left behind it all is, ‘will you take these words into your own actions, and will your actions support these words?’ When it comes down to it, a person's past, personal experience, and what he makes of his struggle reveals the true legacy behind these simple yet powerful words. …Frederick Douglass, one of the most influential African American abolitionists, once said ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ His personal life experience gave him the right and respect to speak his opinions on slavery, and his own struggle because of slavery became the fuel for passion that helped him fight it. In the same way, when we have a strong conviction in a belief, we should determine whether there is a person behind the issue. We need to be able to personally testify its impact on lives, perhaps even our own. For as Douglass' words and actions confessed, struggling for a fight you believe in shows the power behind your opinion, and such power will bring true progress. That there is not one slave in America today proves that fact.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are conveyed in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience; well-structured and varied sentences are seen as well.

The language and tone are consistent regarding the writer’s use of complex sentences. (“ Though struggles can break your body and your spirit as the slave breaker did to Douglass, there is something very significant that changes in a person who has gone through a trial of any sort. Everyone goes through painful situations whether it be the death of a loved one, a divorce, a major change such as moving to a new place, or any other kind of struggle. Though we have no control over these things, we can choose how they we will walk away from the situation. People can be changed by struggle by becoming bitter.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the last two paragraphs in the essay are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Though struggles can break your body and your spirit as the slave breaker did to Douglass, there is something very significant that changes in a person who has gone through a trial of any sort. Everyone goes through painful situations whether it be the death of a loved one, a divorce, a major change such as moving to a new place, or any other kind of struggle. Though we have no control over these things, we can choose how they we will walk away from the situation. People can be changed by struggle by becoming bitter. After experiencing such trauma and belittled existence, Douglass could easily have become cold and angry towards all the people who had seemingly ruined his life. Instead, he took his life-changing experience and chose to make it the story of how a man became a slave and a slave became a man. …Frederick Douglass, one of the most influential African American abolitionists, once said ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress.’ His personal life experience gave him the right and respect to speak his opinions on slavery, and his own struggle because of slavery became the fuel for passion that helped him fight it. In the same way, when we have a strong conviction in a belief, we should determine whether there is a person behind the issue. We need to be able to personally testify its impact on lives, perhaps even our own. For as Douglass' words and actions confessed, struggling for a fight you believe in shows the power behind your opinion, and such power will bring true progress. That there is not one slave in America today proves that fact.”)

The complex sentence, “ Despite the law against educating slaves, he learned how to read as a child, by convincing white children to teach him ,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated within this essay. There are few, if any, errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Today, many people can relate to controversy and speakers who support their opinion.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, Frederick says, "Without struggle there can be no process." It means that there would be no achievement without any of struggles and the efforts for example, Frederick Douglass struggles with the scanty living conditions, horrible inhuman treatment from the slave holders, and the illegal education. He, however, goes through all the conflicts for his freedom and achieves his dream. It proves that struggling is the way we could achieve and improve our lives in a better way.

First of all, Frederick Douglass struggles for his necessary living conditions. "Children from seven to ten years old, of both sexes, almost naked, might be seen at all seasons of the year." (P. 54) This quote shows that how the slaves lacked their clothes. For example, if you are cold in winter, there are no clothes for you because you already wear one cloth in summer. Annually, Frederick had had one cloth for his new one year. Children walk around nakedly. No matter what sexes are they, they had to show their body to each other. "Scarcely a day passed, during the summer, but that some slave had to take the lash for stealing fruit." (P.59) Also, the slaves lacked food. As you can see the quote, it illustrates how the slaves need to survive and get the food by stealing it. Always, slave holders gave only few amounts of food to slaves. Slaves thought that when they are hungry, they can steal some food and it's not bad because they need to survive.

Secondly, Frederick also struggles with education. "Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, B, C." (P.78) When he lives on Mr. Auld and Mrs. Auld, he learns how to read A, B, C from Mrs. Auld. Although after Mrs. Auld finds out that teaching slave is illegal, she suddenly stops teaching him and transparent to a devil but it was late because Frederick is already able to understand what is going on and starts to think about his freedom. "This bread I used to bestow upon the hungry little urchins, who, in return, would give me that more valuable bread of knowledge." (P.83) Frederick , however, continues learning reading, thus he gave some food to hungry white kids and asks him to teach him how to read. For 5 to 6 years, he masters how to read which was the one of his favorite things even though it was illegal.

Lastly, he struggles with bad treatment from his master. "Mr. Covey seemed now to think he had me, and could do what he pleased; but at this moment-from whence came the spirit I don't know- I resolved to fight; and, suiting my action to the resolution, I seized Covey hard by the throat; and as I did so, I rose." (P.112) After he got education, he thought whipping slaves like the white people treat them like an animal. That's why he fought back for his humanity. Only strong one would get his freedom from the slavery. It shows how he struggles for his humanity. Another one is on page 113. "I had several fights, but was never whipped." (P.113) After he fought back to Mr. Covey, Mr. Covey never whips him for rest of days. When someone ships him, he fought back and get back his right. These prove that he tried hard and accomplished his goals.

In conclusion, struggling is the solution for his freedom and goal. Such as, Frederick Douglass struggles in the plantations and the society with the education, segregation, living conditions. He, however, endures every problem and figures out how he needs to have his own freedom and can get back his humanism from society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are maintained throughout this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation seen in his autobiography, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass , and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ In Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, Frederick says, ‘Without struggle there can be no process.’ It means that there would be no achievement without any of struggles and the efforts for example, Frederick Douglass struggles with the scanty living conditions, horrible inhuman treatment from the slave holders, and the illegal education. He, however, goes through all the conflicts for his freedom and achieves his dream. It proves that struggling is the way we could achieve and improve our lives in a better way.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Secondly, Frederick also struggles with education. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, B, C.’ (P.78) When he lives on Mr. Auld and Mrs. Auld, he learns how to read A, B, C from Mrs. Auld. Although after Mrs. Auld finds out that teaching slave is illegal, she suddenly stops teaching him and transparent to a devil but it was late because Frederick is already able to understand what is going on and starts to think about his freedom. ‘This bread I used to bestow upon the hungry little urchins, who, in return, would give me that more valuable bread of knowledge.’ (P.83) Frederick , however, continues learning reading, thus he gave some food to hungry white kids and asks him to teach him how to read. For 5 to 6 years, he masters how to read which was the one of his favorite things even though it was illegal.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central idea. (“ First of all, Frederick Douglass struggles for his necessary living conditions. ‘Children from seven to ten years old, of both sexes, almost naked, might be seen at all seasons of the year.’ (P. 54) This quote shows that how the slaves lacked their clothes. For example, if you are cold in winter, there are no clothes for you because you already wear one cloth in summer. Annually, Frederick had had one cloth for his new one year. Children walk around nakedly. No matter what sexes are they, they had to show their body to each other. ‘Scarcely a day passed, during the summer, but that some slave had to take the lash for stealing fruit.’ (P.59) Also, the slaves lacked food. As you can see the quote, it illustrates how the slaves need to survive and get the food by stealing it. Always, slave holders gave only few amounts of food to slaves. Slaves thought that when they are hungry, they can steal some food and it's not bad because they need to survive.”)

Content & Development

This essay contains good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“ Secondly, Frederick also struggles with education. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, B, C.’ (P.78) When he lives on Mr. Auld and Mrs. Auld, he learns how to read A, B, C from Mrs. Auld. Although after Mrs. Auld finds out that teaching slave is illegal, she suddenly stops teaching him and transparent to a devil but it was late because Frederick is already able to understand what is going on and starts to think about his freedom.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“ Lastly, he struggles with bad treatment from his master. ‘Mr. Covey seemed now to think he had me, and could do what he pleased; but at this moment-from whence came the spirit I don't know- I resolved to fight; and, suiting my action to the resolution, I seized Covey hard by the throat; and as I did so, I rose.’ (P.112)”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“Secondly, Frederick also struggles with education. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, B, C.’ (P.78) When he lives on Mr. Auld and Mrs. Auld, he learns how to read A, B, C from Mrs. Auld. Although after Mrs. Auld finds out that teaching slave is illegal, she suddenly stops teaching him and transparent to a devil but it was late because Frederick is already able to understand what is going on and starts to think about his freedom. ‘This bread I used to bestow upon the hungry little urchins, who, in return, would give me that more valuable bread of knowledge.’ (P.83) Frederick , however, continues learning reading, thus he gave some food to hungry white kids and asks him to teach him how to read. For 5 to 6 years, he masters how to read which was the one of his favorite things even though it was illegal.”)

Organization

Good organization is apparent within the content of this essay. The writer demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. (“ In Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, Frederick says, ‘Without struggle there can be no process.’ It means that there would be no achievement without any of struggles and the efforts for example, Frederick Douglass struggles with the scanty living conditions, horrible inhuman treatment from the slave holders, and the illegal education. He, however, goes through all the conflicts for his freedom and achieves his dream. It proves that struggling is the way we could achieve and improve our lives in a better way.”)

The writer uses “Quarter” and “Dollar” to “Five” and “Fifty” -dollar transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank (“In conclusion…”) to adequately connect ideas. (“ In conclusion, struggling is the solution for his freedom and goal.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the discussion of how Douglass achieved freedom as a result of his struggle. (“ In Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, Frederick says, ‘Without struggle there can be no process.’ It means that there would be no achievement without any of struggles and the efforts for example, Frederick Douglass struggles with the scanty living conditions, horrible inhuman treatment from the slave holders, and the illegal education. He, however, goes through all the conflicts for his freedom and achieves his dream. It proves that struggling is the way we could achieve and improve our lives in a better way. …In conclusion, struggling is the solution for his freedom and goal. Such as, Frederick Douglass struggles in the plantations and the society with the education, segregation, living conditions. He, however, endures every problem and figures out how he needs to have his own freedom and can get back his humanism from society.”)

Language Use & Style

Evidence of good language use and style is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience; well-structured sentences with some variety are seen as well.

The language and tone are consistent regarding the variety in sentence length. (“ This quote shows that how the slaves lacked their clothes. For example, if you are cold in winter, there are no clothes for you because you already wear one cloth in summer. Annually, Frederick had had one cloth for his new one year. Children walk around nakedly. No matter what sexes are they, they had to show their body to each other.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ First of all, Frederick Douglass struggles for his necessary living conditions. ‘Children from seven to ten years old, of both sexes, almost naked, might be seen at all seasons of the year.’ (P. 54) This quote shows that how the slaves lacked their clothes. For example, if you are cold in winter, there are no clothes for you because you already wear one cloth in summer. Annually, Frederick had had one cloth for his new one year. Children walk around nakedly. No matter what sexes are they, they had to show their body to each other. …Secondly, Frederick also struggles with education. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, B, C.’ (P.78) When he lives on Mr. Auld and Mrs. Auld, he learns how to read A, B, C from Mrs. Auld. Although after Mrs. Auld finds out that teaching slave is illegal, she suddenly stops teaching him and transparent to a devil but it was late because Frederick is already able to understand what is going on and starts to think about his freedom.”)

The compound sentence, “ Frederick , however, continues learning reading, thus he gave some food to hungry white kids and asks him to teach him how to read,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is conveyed in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Frederick , however, continues learning reading, thus he gave some food to hungry white kids and asks him to teach him how to read.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Frederick Douglass once said "if there is no struggle, there is no progress." What Douglass meant by this quote is that there will be times when struggle will be necessary in order to achieve a goal. For instance Douglass was struggling for various things. Most importantly was what every slave desired, freedom and liberty. In order to have his liberty Douglass knew there must be some struggle.

What Douglass meant by his quote is that "If you are stagnant, you will not proceed." He meant progress needs struggle; therefore, he had to fight for his freedom. In the book Frederick Douglass an American Slave, Douglass attempted to escape, and ended up being caught. As a result this only inspired Douglass to try even harder. Afterwards, all his hard work would pay off. For this reason, it was his struggles that led to his progress. Although Douglass went through unforgettable memories; Douglass got more inspired to achieve his goals and found that progress can't be achieved without struggle.

Douglass was once exposed to education by one of his master. She did not know that exposing a slave to an education can cause a slave to think and rebel. As a result, this was the turning point for Douglass. Despite the punishments of getting caught learning how to read. Immediately, Douglass struggled, and proceeded. After a short time, Douglass had achieved to read and write, and once again it proved that his quote was correct; he found the meaning of what progress was. For instance, Douglass now knew that reading and writing was a weapon. In fact, he learned that slaves were still slaves because they did not have an education. With this information, Douglass now had progressed and was now ready to help other to progress to freedom.

In conclusion, progress needs struggle, and without struggle Douglass could not have achieved his goals. For instance, Douglass struggled to learn to read; it took him along time, but it all paid off. The meaning of his quote is simply "hard work pays off." In spite of all his obstacles, Frederick Douglass worked his way through the path to freedom. Soon, Frederick Douglass would help others and remind them that without struggle there is no progress.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are demonstrated in the essay above. It establishes a basic analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation seen in the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Frederick Douglass once said ‘if there is no struggle, there is no progress.’ What Douglass meant by this quote is that there will be times when struggle will be necessary in order to achieve a goal. For instance Douglass was struggling for various things. Most importantly was what every slave desired, freedom and liberty. In order to have his liberty Douglass knew there must be some struggle.”)

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“In order to have his liberty Douglass knew there must be some struggle.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“In conclusion, progress needs struggle, and without struggle Douglass could not have achieved his goals. For instance, Douglass struggled to learn to read; it took him along time, but it all paid off. The meaning of his quote is simply ‘hard work pays off.’ In spite of all his obstacles, Frederick Douglass worked his way through the path to freedom. Soon, Frederick Douglass would help others and remind them that without struggle there is no progress.”)

Content & Development

Adequate content and development are seen in the essay. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Douglass was once exposed to education by one of his master. She did not know that exposing a slave to an education can cause a slave to think and rebel. As a result, this was the turning point for Douglass. Despite the punishments of getting caught learning how to read. Immediately, Douglass struggled, and proceeded. After a short time, Douglass had achieved to read and write, and once again it proved that his quote was correct; he found the meaning of what progress was. For instance, Douglass now knew that reading and writing was a weapon. In fact, he learned that slaves were still slaves because they did not have an education. With this information, Douglass now had progressed and was now ready to help other to progress to freedom.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“What Douglass meant by his quote is that ‘If you are stagnant, you will not proceed.’ He meant progress needs struggle; therefore, he had to fight for his freedom. In the book Frederick Douglass an American Slave, Douglass attempted to escape, and ended up being caught. As a result this only inspired Douglass to try even harder. Afterwards, all his hard work would pay off. For this reason, it was his struggles that led to his progress. Although Douglass went through unforgettable memories; Douglass got more inspired to achieve his goals and found that progress can't be achieved without struggle.”)

The essay includes facts and statistics, examples, brief narratives, or explanations about each of the main ideas. (“Douglass was once exposed to education by one of his master. She did not know that exposing a slave to an education can cause a slave to think and rebel. As a result, this was the turning point for Douglass. Despite the punishments of getting caught learning how to read. Immediately, Douglass struggled, and proceeded. After a short time, Douglass had achieved to read and write, and once again it proved that his quote was correct; he found the meaning of what progress was. For instance, Douglass now knew that reading and writing was a weapon. In fact, he learned that slaves were still slaves because they did not have an education. With this information, Douglass now had progressed and was now ready to help other to progress to freedom.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is exhibited by this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction adequately includes a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ In order to have his liberty Douglass knew there must be some struggle.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ As a result, this was the turning point for Douglass. Despite the punishments of getting caught learning how to read. Immediately, Douglass struggled, and proceeded. After a short time, Douglass had achieved to read and write, and once again it proved that his quote was correct; he found the meaning of what progress was. For instance, Douglass now knew that reading and writing was a weapon. In fact, he learned that slaves were still slaves because they did not have an education.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ In conclusion, progress needs struggle, and without struggle Douglass could not have achieved his goals. For instance, Douglass struggled to learn to read; it took him along time, but it all paid off. The meaning of his quote is simply ‘hard work pays off.’ In spite of all his obstacles, Frederick Douglass worked his way through the path to freedom. Soon, Frederick Douglass would help others and remind them that without struggle there is no progress.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is adequate. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; the writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Douglass was once exposed to education by one of his master. She did not know that exposing a slave to an education can cause a slave to think and rebel. As a result, this was the turning point for Douglass. Despite the punishments of getting caught learning how to read. Immediately, Douglass struggled, and proceeded. After a short time, Douglass had achieved to read and write, and once again it proved that his quote was correct; he found the meaning of what progress was. For instance, Douglass now knew that reading and writing was a weapon.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “struggle” and “progress” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ In conclusion, progress needs struggle, and without struggle Douglass could not have achieved his goals. For instance, Douglass struggled to learn to read; it took him along time, but it all paid off. The meaning of his quote is simply ‘hard work pays off.’ In spite of all his obstacles, Frederick Douglass worked his way through the path to freedom. Soon, Frederick Douglass would help others and remind them that without struggle there is no progress.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, as the term “progress” is used more than once in the same sentence. (“ With this information, Douglass now had progressed and was now ready to help other to progress to freedom.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of writing is displayed in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ With this information, Douglass now had progressed and was now ready to help other to progress to freedom.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Frederick Douglass once said, "If there is no struggle, there is no progress." Frederick Douglass meant that in order to achieve success, it must be experienced first,then the results occur. For example Frederick Douglass said, in order to progress in life to reach your goal in life you need to struggle, work hard, and also believe in your self. "If there is no trying,there is no succeeding."

To try is to succeed, you must try to persevere; "You will be free as soon as your twenty-one, but I am a slave for life. "Frederick Douglass had to persevere most of his life. Seeing other people, such as little poor white boys being born with the natural right of reason,Frederick Douglass right or reason was taken away from him even though it was his to keep. Freedom is not a privilege, it is a right; "I made effort to comply having now made up my mind to let him do his worst. "At the same time trying is the portal to freedom: However, Frederick Douglass in this point in his life could not try no longer. For a brief second he was drained of his strength leaving him defenseless.I n the end he regained his strength, and over came his tortures.Thus, trying led him to his freedom. In other words, struggling was a big conflict in his life but again did try to find his way out. For example, learning to read and write was a big advantage to him but not to other people.

In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write. "Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, C, B' S." After Mrs.Auld thought that he could learn a few words and later on he will progress. However, Mr. Auld didn't want him to learn for the reason he was a slave and only had to obey his master. This shows that Mr. Auld is being greedy and selfish for the reason that he was scared that he would learn how to read and write.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay appear to be limited. The writer establishes a basic analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay includes some important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, C, B' S.’ After Mrs.Auld thought that he could learn a few words and later on he will progress. However, Mr. Auld didn't want him to learn for the reason he was a slave and only had to obey his master. This shows that Mr. Auld is being greedy and selfish for the reason that he was scared that he would learn how to read and write.”)

The essay states a limited controlling idea. (“Frederick Douglass once said, ‘If there is no struggle, there is no progress.’ Frederick Douglass meant that in order to achieve success, it must be experienced first,then the results occur. For example Frederick Douglass said, in order to progress in life to reach your goal in life you need to struggle, work hard, and also believe in your self. ‘If there is no trying,there is no succeeding.’”)

In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“Frederick Douglass once said, ‘If there is no struggle, there is no progress.’ Frederick Douglass meant that in order to achieve success, it must be experienced first,then the results occur. For example Frederick Douglass said, in order to progress in life to reach your goal in life you need to struggle, work hard, and also believe in your self. ‘If there is no trying,there is no succeeding.’”)

Content & Development

This essay features limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the writer’s thesis. (“ To try is to succeed, you must try to persevere; ‘You will be free as soon as your twenty-one, but I am a slave for life.’ Frederick Douglass had to persevere most of his life.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, C, B' S.’ After Mrs.Auld thought that he could learn a few words and later on he will progress. However, Mr. Auld didn't want him to learn for the reason he was a slave and only had to obey his master. This shows that Mr. Auld is being greedy and selfish for the reason that he was scared that he would learn how to read and write.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, C, B' S.’ After Mrs.Auld thought that he could learn a few words and later on he will progress. However, Mr. Auld didn't want him to learn for the reason he was a slave and only had to obey his master. This shows that Mr. Auld is being greedy and selfish for the reason that he was scared that he would learn how to read and write.”)

Organization

Limited organization is exhibited in this essay. Some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion is demonstrated. The essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Frederick Douglass meant that in order to achieve success, it must be experienced first,then the results occur. For example Frederick Douglass said, in order to progress in life to reach your goal in life you need to struggle, work hard, and also believe in your self.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Thus, trying led him to his freedom. In other words, struggling was a big conflict in his life but again did try to find his way out. For example, learning to read and write was a big advantage to him but not to other people.”)

The essay is missing an appropriate conclusion; the essay merely ends with the second body paragraph. (“ In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write. ‘Very soon after I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Auld, she very kindly commenced to teach me the A, C, B' S.’ After Mrs.Auld thought that he could learn a few words and later on he will progress. However, Mr. Auld didn't want him to learn for the reason he was a slave and only had to obey his master. This shows that Mr. Auld is being greedy and selfish for the reason that he was scared that he would learn how to read and write.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is limited. The essay demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

Exact words are missing. (“ In other words, struggling was a big conflict in his life but again did try to find his way out.”)

There is repetition, with the phrase “had to face” repeated twice within the first two lines of the third paragraph. (“ In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write.”)

The style is not always formal throughout. (“ Seeing other people, such as little poor white boys being born with the natural right of reason,Frederick Douglass right or reason was taken away from him even though it was his to keep.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ In other words, struggling was a big conflict in his life but again did try to find his way out. …In Frederick Douglass life he had to face difficulties in reading and writing.Frederick had to face the fact that it was hard for a black slave to succeed in life because they never show them how to read and write.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

What I think is meant by this statement made by Frederick Douglass, "If there is no struggle there is no progress", is if you don't go through hard times and struggles, how else are you going to know what it feels like and how to get through it without breaking down. When you struggle, you fight your way out of it. You become more stronger than you were in the beginning.

An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed in this writer’s essay. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the autobiography, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. Instead, the writer focuses on a personal example and fails to discuss the text. (“An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

The essay’s response does not focus completely on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“What I think is meant by this statement made by Frederick Douglass, ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress’, is if you don't go through hard times and struggles, how else are you going to know what it feels like and how to get through it without breaking down. When you struggle, you fight your way out of it. You become more stronger than you were in the beginning.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

Organization

The essay in question demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ What I think is meant by this statement made by Frederick Douglass, ‘If there is no struggle there is no progress’, is if you don't go through hard times and struggles, how else are you going to know what it feels like and how to get through it without breaking down. When you struggle, you fight your way out of it. You become more stronger than you were in the beginning.”)

Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. (“ An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. Instead, the writer merely includes a concluding sentence at the end of the second paragraph. (“ An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before.”)

The writer includes extra words that are not needed and that result in awkward-sounding sentences. (“ You become more stronger than you were in the beginning. …If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it...”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ An example of this would be learning in class. If the work is easy, that is because you already know what it's about. The whole idea about learning new things is to have some struggles along the way. If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before. This is what I think Frederick Douglass's statement meant.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates minimal control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“If work seems to be hard and you can't understand it, you know you'll have to study about it and maybe do a little research on it, you'll understand it more than you did before.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning within this essay are inadequate. This brief essay fails to establish an analysis of Frederick Douglass’s quotation and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are shown in this essay. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style shown in this essay are inadequate. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life.”)

The essay uses the same group of words (“I think”) to begin the first two sentences. (“ I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life.”)

Exact words are missing. For example, the following sentence is a fragment: “ I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress.”

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys inadequate control of the use of mechanics and conventions in formal writing. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), and punctuation and capitalization are not proper. (“ I think what frederick ment by saying if there is no struggle there is no progress. I think he ment that nothing good in life comes easy you have too work hard to make progress in your life. I dont think that you can go around and expect people to just give you things.”)

Shakespeare’s View of Love

Shakespeare's sonnets have a unique view of love that extends beyond conventional thoughts to consider the subject from a variety of perspectives. Select one of Shakespeare's sonnets and give your interpretation of the author's view of love. Support your answer using details and examples from the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Love can be defined in so many different ways. From such an obvious perspective, love concludes that it is a simple meaning, that is quite understandable. But, as people in society have different encounters of love, they live life in a totally different manner. For example, if a person were to be touched by the feeling of endless love, then eventually they would think it is the greatest point in living life. However, love alone can be looked upon as being the worst part in a human beings heart. If a heart break were to happen, it can not only feel like a stab in the heart, but also, an upsetting feeling that you may think will never leave your soul.

According to the dictionary, the definition of love is a deep, tender, unpredictable feeling or affection, and solicitude toward a person with a sense of underlying oneness. When asked for personal definitions of love, people reply with various answers. As within the different Sonnets, written by the famous poet, William Shakespeare, he concluded many unique characteristics that could become a part of how people look upon love. From his numerous quotes, Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 shows a wide perception that is varied in a more simplified manner. The question that is concluded is what is true love? True love is passionate, it does not leave over a short period of time, and it is never forgotten.

As most people would come to state, people would agree that love is passionate. Passionate, is meant as a deep and tender feeling of affection. It not only shows caring and kindness, but it is also very dependable. Now from Shakespeare’s points, he starts at giving his own guidelines of marriage. Like in his poem, when he states, “Let me not to the marriage of true minds.” By this, he is interpreting that there is always truth in love. You must always stay true to your heart and your lovers. And if the truth were to be stopped, then love will just fade away. True love can thrive without boundaries or rules, both of which are the reason marriages are often prevented.

Having the affection for one another also will not change over a short period of time. It does not matter how long you were with that person, but rather has to do with how deep the relationship goes. The length of a relationship can go from having a marriage which last forever to a very short term relationship, but that has little to do with the depth of impact it can have on the people experiencing it. Truly deep love is not based on superficial elements. Shakespeare notes that “love is not love which alters what alteration finds.” This means the affection for another is not truthful, if it changes when one notices their significant other has changed too. Those in love accept the changes that their partner makes, and often times, their relationship and their actions vary along within them. Shakespeare also expresses that love should not vary when temptation is present because it is “an ever fixed mark that looks on tempest and is never shaken, it is the star to every wandering bark,” stating that it is a constant guide as we go throughout living life. Shakespeare also shares that love is not “times fool through rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickles compass come.” By simplifying his terms, Shakespeare has a very strong feeling for the importance of love’s meaning. Clearly, he is recognizing that love does not lessen as beauty and youth fades from the face which it often does.

Shakespeare’s work here shows that love will never be forgotten. Take for example a section within the sonnet, “Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks but it bears out even to the edge of the doom” means love does not wander over time, but rather last until death. It is clearly showing that with no matter what circumstances can happen, the changes in the feeling of love will always have a special place in a person’s heart. No matter what comes in between them in these trying situations, nothing will ever change the way these people felt for each other. It is a feeling that one cannot explain, and it will forever have a special meaning in their hearts.

There are thousands of different opinions on love. Love can go from good to bad and from real to nonexistent in a very short period of time. Personally, I believe that true love is real and is out there for anybody willing to seek it out and give it a chance. Mostly everybody would agree that it is a point in life that is very important. It has its positive influences and its negative affects. But overall, love is a special feeling of comfort that will always be in any person's heart.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. The essay grabs the readers’ attention by very effectively using an interesting, engaging statement or a question at the beginning of the introduction. (“ Love can be defined in so many different ways. From such an obvious perspective, love concludes that it is a simple meaning, that is quite understandable.”) All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ From having a marriage lasting forever, or from a short term relationship, it will never lose a touch of being important.”) The tone is appropriate for the audience. Finally, there is little or no irrelevant information provided.

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. Develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. Supporting details develop the example well. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“Passionate, is meant as a deep and tender feeling of affection. It not only shows caring and kindness, but it is also very dependable.”) The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. The essay includes examples, brief narratives or explanations that tell a small story, people's actual words or quotes, or a definition of a difficult or important word about each of the main ideas. In this case, the author does not use many direct quotes from the poem but does explain the quotes in full and articulate detail. (“Take for example a section within the sonnet, ‘Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks but it bears out even to the edge of the doom’ means love does not wander over time, but rather last until death. It is clearly showing that with no matter what circumstances can happen, the changes in the feeling of love will always have a special place in a person’s heart.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion; there are effective use of transitional devices throughout. The introduction creatively grabs the reader’s attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. (“ If a heart break were to happen, it can not only feel like a stab in the heart, but also, an upsetting feeling that you may think will never leave your soul.”) The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ For example, if a person were to be touched by the feeling of endless love, then eventually they would think it is the greatest point in living life.”) Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ There are thousands of different opinions on love. Love can go from good to bad and from real to nonexistent in a very short period of time.”) It also provides the reader with a strong sense of closure. (“Personally, I believe that true love is real and is out there for anybody willing to seek it out and give it a chance.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates precise language and word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. Language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Clearly, he is recognizing that love does not lessen as beauty and youth fades from the face which it often does.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses very effective control of conventions and mechanics. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. There are a few minor errors like misspelled words or improper word usage, but they do not interfere with meaning. (“ It has its positive influences and its negative affects.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the time William Shakespeare lived (1564-1616), platonic male friends were quite uncommon. Men and women were not meant to be around one another alone if they were not siblings or married, so very strong bonds developed between people of the same gender. Homosexuality is definitely not new, so while most of these bonds were simply strong friendship, a great deal of them were much more. William Shakespeare wrote more than 150 sonnets in his lifetime, the majority of them focusing on love. In Sonnet 20, it is greatly argued that Shakespeare is expressing his love for a man. Upon reading Sonnet 20, one keeping an open mind can discover a very uncommon view of love being expressed. Sonnet 20 reflects that William Shakespeare had a very blunt and forthright perspective on love that was very odd for his time.

The fourteenth line of Sonnet 20 bluntly states what Shakespeare wants. Writers from any time have the flaw of oozing emotion. Instead of complaining about the restriction of his love for the man, or whining about how much it all hurts, Shakespeare simply says, "Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure." Shakespeare is saying that the man can have sex with women, Shakespeare only wants his love. Shakespeare uses the same forthrightness in line thirteen, "But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure..." In this line, again without complaint, the poet bluntly states that Nature made the man for women, not for other men. This is Shakespeare accepting the situation. He accepts it and asks only for the man's love.

In lines one through six, Shakespeare openly explains that he loves the man like he would love a woman, but that the man is better than any woman. In saying, "A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted with shifting change, as is false women's fashion," (line 4) Shakespeare openly insults women and their tendencies to be fickle. Shakespeare says that the man is better than women, in a very straightforward manner. "An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling," (line 5) shows that Shakespeare found the man more attractive than women, and more trustworthy. This line could also be interpreted as the man being an actor in one of Shakespeare's plays, and a better actor at a woman's role than a woman could ever manage if women were ever permitted to act.

In line twelve, Shakespeare quite bluntly states that only one thing stands between him and the man. In saying, "And for a woman wert thou first created," (line 9) Shakespeare states that the man has the image of a man, but the soul of a woman. Shakespeare says this straight up, without getting lost in his feelings and without sugarcoating it for society's sake. Shakespeare also says, "Till nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting, and by addition me of thee defeated, by adding one thing to my purpose nothing," (line 12) which states quite clearly that Nature made a mistake. The poet does not mind how off his rocker this statement could make him seem, and he does not stop to whine about the mistake, he only addresses the mistake. Shakespeare is very forthright in saying that the man's “one thing” is the only thing that makes him a man, the only thing that keeps him from Shakespeare.

In conclusion, Sonnet 20 strongly proves Shakespeare's cynical views of love. Most writers blow love out of proportion, overwriting their feelings so much that even true love seems inadequate and becomes disappointing. Shakespeare used Sonnet 20 to show that love exists within people's souls, not beneath their clothes. Shakespeare boldly and bluntly states in Sonnet 20 that he loved someone; someone who had the same reproductive organs as him, but someone nonetheless. And with all the "greater education" the human race is throwing around, that of all things should be simple to understand.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay uses good focus and meaning. It establishes and maintains a clear controlling idea and demonstrates a general understanding of the purpose and audience and completes most parts of the task . The essay grabs the reader’s attention by using an interesting statement, a question, and an engaging statement at the beginning of the introduction. The author’s unique subject matter is very effective at engaging the audience. (“In Sonnet 20, it is greatly argued that Shakespeare is expressing his love for a man. Upon reading Sonnet 20, one keeping an open mind can discover a very uncommon view of love being expressed.”) It remains on topic and focused throughout the essay.

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. The writer develops ideas clearly by using sufficient appropriate details for support. Supporting details develop the example well. The ideas presented are very interesting and thought provoking. (“In saying, ‘A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted with shifting change, as is false women's fashion,’ (line 4) Shakespeare openly insults women and their tendencies to be fickle.”) The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. The author uses few quotes but is able to argue his or her points effectively.

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the reader’s attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. They are subtle yet effective at moving between ideas. The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion as well. It summarizes the main ideas of the essay and gives readers something else to think about. (“ Shakespeare boldly and bluntly states in Sonnet 20 that he loved someone; someone who had the same reproductive organs as him, but someone nonetheless.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety. L anguage and tone are consistent. Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ William Shakespeare wrote more than 150 sonnets in his lifetime, the majority of them focusing on love.”) Occasionally , there may be a fragmented sentence or an odd choice of words, but the majority of the content is clear and correct.

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay uses good control of conventions and mechanics. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. Errors in spelling or grammar that are present do not interfere with meaning. (“ This line could also be interpreted as the man being an actor in one of Shakespeare's plays, and a better actor at a woman's role than a woman could ever manage if women were ever permitted to act.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is true love? People often misunderstand the word love. they say "I love you" but most of the time it doesn't have meaning behind it. William Shakespeare wrote a sonnet on true love and the meaning of true love. True love is very dependable, it cannot be altered by time, and it cannot be altered by circumstances.

L believe words cannot explain the meaning of love. Love is expressed by actions and feelings not by words and materialistic things. When you love someone, you always want to be there for them. You want to be able to take care of them and share their hardships, their happiness, and their sadness. You want to be there for the through thick and thin but don't want to be too attached. When you feel like you are comfortable with them you begin to depend on them. Love is very dependable . In sonnet 116, shakespeare wrote "That looks on tempest and is never shaken; it is the start to every wandering bark." this means, even though you are going through horrible times, your loved on is going to be there for you standing tall, like a light house beacon that guides the way as if you were a ship.

Shakespeare said in sonnet 116, "love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks; Within his bending sickle's compass come." Your love should not change, if you have been with someone for a long time. Love is not something that should be easily said, yet Humans use the word "Love" without much thought. If you have been in a relationship for a while and you get tired of your significant other, but you say you love them, its not true because love cannot change over time. It should deepen and the bond should be thicker as the relationship grows.

In loving someone, yours feelings should be unconditional, which means that whatever happens, good or bad you will still love the person just as much. Shakespeare said, "Admit impediments. LOve is not love: which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover: o no! It is an ever fixed mark." This is what love means. Love does not bend, it is a fixed mark. Once you love someone you love them and you will know it. When Shakespeare said, "love cannot be altered by circumstances" he means that when you love someone and something tragic happens for example, he or she loses a leg or something to that extreme, you will not stop loving him or her because they are handicapped.

Overall, true love is when you know he or she is very dependable. You know you are comfortable with them and you find comfort in them. When love is expressed and not explained you can feel it. Time cannot change true love, when you love someone you want to grow old with them, share everything together. Love cannot be changed by circumstances. Whether they lose an eye, a leg, or an arm as long as your love doesn't change you know its the real thing. To put it simple, true love is dependable, love does not alter over time, and love does not alter by circumstance.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea, demonstrates a basic understanding of the purpose and audience, and completes many parts of the task. The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“ William Shakespeare wrote a sonnet on true love and the meaning of true love. True love is very dependable, it cannot be altered by time, and it cannot be altered by circumstances.”) It is not very creative, but it does help readers understand the purpose of the essay. Overall, the content is on topic and respects the audience.

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using sufficient details for support. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate main ideas. The author uses quotations to successfully inform readers. The explanations and details used in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“ In sonnet 116, shakespeare wrote "That looks on tempest and is never shaken; it is the start to every wandering bark." this means, even though you are going through horrible times, your loved on is going to be there for you standing tall, like a light house beacon that guides the way as if you were a ship.”)

Organization

The essay uses adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question, a puzzling statement, an unusual fact, a profound quotation, or an exclamation. Transitions are used to help readers move between ideas. Within the paragraphs, the author uses a quote and then explains its purpose. This is somewhat effective. Overall, the response is lengthy, but it only uses details adequately. (“In loving someone, yours feelings should be unconditional, which means that whatever happens, good or bad you will still love the person just as much.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. Sentence lengths are adequately varied. Word choices may sometimes be poor. There may be some fragmented sentences, but most of the content is clear and correctly phrased. Errors that are present may distract the readers, but they should be able to understand the author’s intent. (“ thought. If you have been in a relationship for a while and you get tired of your significant other, but you say you love them, its not true because love cannot change over time.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, are indented when beginning a new paragraph, and begin with a capital letter. There are a few spelling errors present, but they are not serious. Readers can infer the author’s intent. (“ When Shakespeare said, "love cannot be altered by circumstances" he means that when you love someone and something tragic happens for example, he or she loses a leg or something to that extreme, you will not stop loving him or her because they are handicapped.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the beginning of sonnet 130, Shakespeare describes almost a monster. Everything that is suppose to be is not and the reader gets a feeling of emptiness, but at the end he says that he loves her. He makes a theme that it doent mater what the person looks like, it s the inside that counts, and that s what he loves her for.

Shakespeare was probably a believer in love is blind, because that s what he shows here. He names all the bad qualities on the outside, but says he still loves her anyways. This sonnet is trying to show people that you can love someone no matter how ugly they are. He makes a point on every part of her body, and that's him trying to show that, that's how most people view another person. At the end when he says " I think I love rare As any she belied with false compare. " he's saying that everything bad that I just said doesn't matter to me, I still love her anyways.

To make his point he makes a snow ball affect, and at the end the snow ball hits a brick wall and just falls apart. Like all her ugliness is the snow ball, and then when he says that he loves her is the wall that puts an end to the snow ball. Shakespeare does this so that it hits the reader hard, not like a feather falling on the reader's head.

If Shakespeare lived in today's times he probably would have said this "She isn't beautiful, maybe not even pretty. Her hair isn't smooth and shinny, her breath stinks, her skin, eyes, lips, and checks have no color. She even stumbles when she walks but all of that doesn't matter to me because unlike many, I don't love someone for the outside, I love them from within. That is what matters to me." So his view of love is, it's the inside that counts.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a controlling idea but demonstrates little understanding of the purpose and audience and completes only some parts of the task. For example, the first few sentences describe a sense of alienation, but the author does a poor job of describing it to readers unfamiliar with the purpose of the response. (“ At the beginning of sonnet 130, Shakespeare describes almost a monster. Everything that is suppose to be is not and the reader gets a feeling of emptiness, but at the end he says that he loves her.”) The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. Most of the content is sufficiently formal, but other essays at this level usually use some informal language inappropriate for a sophisticated audience.

Content & Development

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. It lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices. The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. The main ideas of the body paragraphs do not fully support the thesis. The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. The author uses few quotes and does not attempt to explain Shakespeare’s intent or purpose beyond a superficial level. (“He names all the bad qualities on the outside, but says he still loves her anyways.”) Additional supporting details or quotes would improve the quality of the essay.

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction. It explicitly states the theme and purpose of the sonnet and the essay. (“ He makes a theme that it doent mater what the person looks like, it s the inside that counts, and that s what he loves her for.”) There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ So his view of love is, it's the inside that counts.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates simple language and word choice and some awareness of audience and control of voice. Sentence lengths are sometimes too short. There may be repetitious statements. The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions . The style is too informal. More sophisticated language is needed at this level. (“ To make his point he makes a snow ball affect, and at the end the snow ball hits a brick wall and just falls apart.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. The author should make sure each sentence has a subject and a verb, end each sentence with a punctuation mark, indent when beginning a new paragraph, and begin each sentence with a capital letter. There are some significant errors that slow readers down and make it difficult to understand the author’s intent. (“ He makes a theme that it doent mater what the person looks like, it s the inside that counts, and that s what he loves her for.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In sonnet 130, Shakespeare's view of love has nothing to do with beauty. Love is something that two people feel, how they act, and not how they look.

You can tell that it is not how they look because he describes her as being none of the good qualities he compares her against. he describes her cheeks as being not rosy, and her lips being less red than coral. Her eyes are nothing like the sun and her hair black wires protruding from her head.

You can tell that it is about how they feel because he says he has a rare love, but his love is with a normal woman. He says she is not like an angel, but treads on the earth like a human being.

You can tell it is how they act because he describes her voice as "less pleasing than music" but he loves to hear it regardless of how it sounds.

Shakespeare views love as a thing that two people feel with one another, that cannot be described by beauty.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. The writer suggests a controlling idea but demonstrates minimal understanding of the purpose and audience and completes few parts of the task. Readers might try to infer the author’s intent, but it is very difficult. There simply isn’t enough information provided in the introduction. (“In sonnet 130, Shakespeare's view of love has nothing to do with beauty. Love is something that two people feel, how they act, and not how they look.”) In this case, most of the information is on topic and somewhat formal. (“You can tell that it is about how they feel because he says he has a rare love, but his love is with a normal woman.”)

Content & Development

The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details for support. There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. The author does provide some facts, but more would improve the argument’s credibility. Some arguments are only one sentence long. (“You can tell it is how they act because he describes her voice as "less pleasing than music" but he loves to hear it regardless of how it sounds.”) Overall, the essay is far too brief.

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The introduction is confusing and does not draw readers in. Transitions would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. The conclusion is too simplistic and does not summarize any of the supporting arguments made in the essay. (“ Shakespeare views love as a thing that two people feel with one another, that cannot be described by beauty.”)

Language Use & Style

Essay at this level often demonstrate poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and make basic errors in sentence structure and usage. In some essays, the sentence lengths are short or fragmented. In this case, word choice is adequate, but the author is a little too informal. There is some repetition, as the author reuses the same phrase, “you can tell,” repeatedly. The lack of content makes it difficult to score this response. Some sentences read well but make little sense without additional context. (“ He says she is not like an angel, but treads on the earth like a human being.”) Overall, the author needs to include additional content in order to properly assess his/her ability to use language effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. The essay does not end each sentence with a punctuation mark or begin each sentence with a capital letter. In this essay, the author fails to consistently capitalize the beginning of some sentences. Errors with comma usage are also too common for a high school student. (“he describes her cheeks as being not rosy, and her lips being less red than coral.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In sonnet 12 Shakespeare addressess love to being compared to time and seasons and how things are changing. The writter gives the reader a message about the way the temperature is lovely, the heaven shines, and describes how the nature is changed. What do I feel when I read this passage?

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish a controlling idea, demonstrates no understanding of purpose and audience, and completes no parts of the task. T he essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. It makes a brief reference to love in the first sentence. (“ In sonnet 12 Shakespeare addressess love to being compared to time and seasons and how things are changing.”) It is too informal. Some essays at this level provide a lot of irrelevant or off-topic information.

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas and uses no details for support. Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“ The writter gives the reader a message about the way the temperature is lovely, the heaven shines, and describes how the nature is changed.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The introduction is present, but it is very poor. It is not creative in any way, and it is very informal overall. There is no use of paragraphing or transitions between ideas. There are little or no concluding thoughts. (“what do i feel when i read this passage.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. Sentence lengths are short. Transitions are needed. The style is not formal. Several sentences make little or no sense. (“ what do i feel when i read this passage.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. The text is not indented when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. Mechanics are so poor that it is often difficult to determine the purpose of some sentences. (“The writter gives the reader a message about the way the temperature is lovely, the heaven shines, and describes how the nature is changed.”)

Significance of the Title of Night

Elie Wiesel wrote a famous memoir titled Night, which describes his personal experience of what it was like to be in a concentration camp during World War II. Why do you think he chose this title for his memoir?

Write an essay in which you discuss why you think Elie Wiesel selected this title and how it helps to communicate his message.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When children first start learning to read, they are given books that have little or no meaning at all. The book usually contains one, maybe two, sentences that have four or five words within them. The story of the book can be known basically by just looking at the front cover and title. The meaning of the book is spelled out to them. As these young readers get older and advance on to more complex text, the message of the books become increasingly more meaningful and often is provided through the use of symbolism. Symbolism is the use of an abstract object or idea to display something concrete. The importance of symbolism is not replaceable. Without symbolism there would be little or no meaning at all within the novel. Symbolism has multiple functions, but one of the most important functions, is the ability to complete the book as a whole, in one meaning. Elie Weisel uses the symbol of night to convey many different meanings in his autobiography about his experience during the Holocaust, entitled Night. Although the literal meaning night is the period of darkness during a twenty-four hour day, it symbolizes a deeper meaning in the hardships brought in the night, the loss of Elie’s faith in God like a night like darkness, and the destruction of his innocence in the night.

Throughout his autobiography, Weisel continuously comes upon hardships that tend to happen during the night. The first is the night they are notified of the evacuation of the ghetto they are living in. “This news is terrible,” Weisel’s father explains, “Transports.” With his last words there is a panic amongst the listeners. Their lives are going to be changed forever. Weisel notes that “the shadows around [him] roused themselves from a deep sleep and silently left in every direction through” in the darkness of the night. Another event that occurs during the night is that of the march from the concentration they had been imprisoned in to another camp in the middle of Germany . “At six o'clock,” Weisel tells, “the bell rang. The procession was beginning its march.” They marched through the night without stopping, people fell and lagged behind and were shot by the SS guards. They were freezing and were running for their lives. Weisel goes on telling other accounts of cruel and vicious hardships he is put through, which all seem to make him have a darker and darker look, as if he is going into the night. Weisel shows the reader that everything he is put through makes his night dark and slowly has an engraved effect on the rest of his life. It makes him more and more depressed and is gradually making him lose faith that he can survive.

Although Weisel goes through hardships during the night, he also loses his faith in God during the night, which to him is basically the only thing he has left. Throughout his memoir, Weisel is tested by God to determine the strength of his faith, and eventually the faith he has disappears. At the beginning of his tale, Weisel tells readers how he was very adamant about learning everything he could about God and his religion. He believed that “there [was] a thousand and one gates allowing entry to [Heaven] . . . every human being has its own gate . . . he must not err and wish to enter the orchard through a gate other than his own.” His faith in God and his religion was as strong as ever, and he had no reason to believe it ever wouldn’t be, that was until he arrived at Auschwitz . When he witnesses the horrible things that are happening to Jewish people at the concentration camp, such as the crematoriums, his faith in God and his teachings starts to diminish, and it leaves him as the night progresses. When his father whispers a prayer while they witnessed everything around them, he “felt anger rising within [him]. Why should [he] sanctify His name? The Almighty, the eternal and terrible Master of the Universe, chose to be silent. What was there to thank him for?” With this statement Weisel shows readers that his faith in God has been lost in the night. His faith had been tested and it failed. He shows readers that there is a point when someone has gone through something so horrific that they can no longer believe and trust in their faith. They are now in the darkness of the night.

Lastly, Weisel used the symbol of night for the title of his memoir because his innocence was lost with the night. He was taken from his safe place of living and forced into a terrifying situation where he has to grow up too quickly. At the beginning of his story, Weisel was “almost thirteen and deeply observant.” He then went from being a regular teenager in the 1940’s to an adult mind trapped in a teenager’s body during the Holocaust. “Jews, look! Look at the fire! Look at the flames!” When these words are first spoken Weisel does not know what they mean, but when they are spoken over and over again, they indent into his mind, and finally when he sees the crematories he finally know, and his innocence is slowly sliding from between his grasp. “Something was being burned there,” he observes of the tall chimney in front of him, “A truck drew close and unloaded its hold: small children.” Weisel shows readers that through witnessing these horrible scenes, he is forced to grow up. He no longer is innocent. His innocence is taken away from him.

Throughout history, there has been many horrible things that hundreds of thousands of people have gone through; Elie Wiesel is not excluded in those numbers. His memorable memoir conveys of meaning of darkness, or night, that is why he titled it Night. The hardships he faced came to him in the night, he lost his faith in God which made him dark as night, and he lost his innocence to the night. Any one person that had to go through an ordeal such as the Holocaust and survived would have felt the same was as Weisel, not to mention the ones who lost their lives in that horrible period of time. Night is not a symbol to be taken lightly; it has many different meanings that can be good or bad. In Weisel’s case, it was bad, and had more meaning to him than anyone could ever know. Through his story he shows the effects that the Holocaust has on man, and what it takes to survive it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits strong focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text by making insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling, central idea. (“Although the literal meaning night is the period of darkness during a twenty-four hour day, it symbolizes a deeper meaning in the hardships brought in the night, the loss of Elie’s faith in God like a night like darkness, and the destruction of his innocence in the night.”) The writer of this essay completes all parts of the task.

Content & Development

The content of this essay is well developed and effectively supports the writer’s position. The writer illustrates his/her ideas in a comprehensive manner using specific and accurate evidence. (“Another event that occurs during the night is that of the march from the concentration they had been imprisoned in to another camp in the middle of Germany . ‘At six o'clock,’ Weisel tells, ‘the bell rang. The procession was beginning its march.’ They marched through the night without stopping, people fell and lagged behind and were shot by the SS guards. They were freezing and were running for their lives. Weisel goes on telling other accounts of cruel and vicious hardships he is put through, which all seem to make him have a darker and darker look, as if he is going into the night.”) Furthermore, the writer elaborates on the novel’s use of literary elements and connects it with his/her central idea. (“Night is not a symbol to be taken lightly; it has many different meanings that can be good or bad. In Weisel’s case, it was bad, and had more meaning to him than anyone could ever know.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. The five-paragraph structure contains a creative introduction and insightful conclusion, which results in bringing the writer’s composition full-circle. The writer attracts the reader’s attention immediately with his/her use of the broad-to-narrow introductory approach and subsequently ends his/her first paragraph with a clear and well-constructed thesis statement. (“When children first start learning to read, they are given books that have little or no meaning at all…. Although the literal meaning night is the period of darkness during a twenty-four hour day, it symbolizes a deeper meaning in the hardships brought in the night, the loss of Elie’s faith in God like a night like darkness, and the destruction of his innocence in the night.”) The writer’s body paragraphs are cohesive with evidence of topic sentences and sophisticated use of transition between paragraphs. (“Although Weisel goes through hardships during the night, he also loses his faith in God during the night, which to him is basically the only thing he has left.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective use of language and style. Precise language, a defined v oice, and an unmistakable sense of audience are evident to the reader of this essay; in addition, sentences are well structured and varied. (“ Throughout his autobiography, Weisel continuously comes upon hardships that tend to happen during the night. The first is the night they are notified of the evacuation of the ghetto they are living in. ‘This news is terrible,’ Weisel’s father explains, ‘Transports.’ With his last words there is a panic amongst the listeners. Their lives are going to be changed forever. Weisel notes that ‘the shadows around [him] roused themselves from a deep sleep and silently left in every direction through’ in the darkness of the night.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer maintains effective control over conventions and mechanics. The essay itself reveals few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. (“His faith had been tested and it failed. He shows readers that there is a point when someone has gone through something so horrific that they can no longer believe and trust in their faith. They are now in the darkness of the night.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In pieces of literature authors will often use a symbol that usually has a deeper meaning. A small symbol can make the reader think about a whole different meaning than the reality of the symbol. Just a simple thing that is an every day occurrence can be made into a deeper meaning that teaches us about life, and is stronger than just long descriptions. In the memoir Night by Elie Wiesel the nighttime has a much deeper meaning than just the time of day when the sun is not out. Although the literal meaning of night is the time when the roads are lit by streetlights it symbolizes death of any hope and despair and is shown through the families last moments in their homes, their first night in Auschwitz, and finally when Elie’s father dies and is replaced with another prisoner of death.

An example of the despair of night is when the families in a little village in Hungary spend their last hours in their homes worrying about the next days events. The night before they were to be taken to concentration camps, Elie Wiesel recalls he “spent the night turning over thoughts and memories in my mind, unable to find sleep.” This would be the first night of the terrible nights that would follow. Then “the days were like nights, and the nights left dregs of darkness in our souls.” Wiesel shows the reader the darkness of the first of the terrible nights by showing himself not being able to sleep. He spends this time rolling around in thoughts and despair, wondering what will happen tomorrow or the next day. Night was a time to ponder for Wiesel and his thinking was so terrible he cannot go to sleep knowing what might be ahead in the near future.

In addition, the darkness of night is shown on the first night Elie is in Auschwitz death camp. The second they arrive in the camp, they are met by a man saying “Poor devils, you’re going to the crematory.” The young boy is terrified and believes him because he himself could see “flames leaping up from a ditch, gigantic flames. . . a lorry drew up and delivered its load-little children. babies!” His heart is torn out for these little children and all the events on this terrible night. He admits in his memoir that “sleep had fled from my [Elie Wiesel] eyes.” Wiesel shows the reader about another terrible example of the symbol of Night. The first night as he arrives he is exposed to things that most people would never have to see in their entire life. He is also a young boy and would be petrified by what he was seeing and hearing. If any other teenager would have seen these horrid events they would feel despair at night when there is nothing to do but think and sleep. Sleep was not an option for Elie because of his thoughts.

Finally, one of the last dreadful showings of the symbol night is when Elie is trapped all alone at nighttime when his father passes away. In this memoir Elie says that he would be nothing without his father. As the days passed in the camps death was upon Elie’s father and on one account “he went by me like a ghost, passed me without stopping.” Elie tries to stop his father from falling asleep and feels like he was “not arguing with him, but with death itself, with the death he had already chosen.” With the blink of an eye Elie falls asleep and wakes up and sees someone else laying in his fathers spot. Wiesel shows the reader the despair of one of the final nights in his memoir through the death of a loved one. After his whole family was gone for all he knew all Elie Wiesel had left was his father. His father’s survival was even more important than his own survival because of the love he had for him. When his father dies it is as if the lights went out in a deep corridor inside of him, the lights that bring hope for a better day.

Elie Wiesel shows many accounts of the despair and darkness of night including when he left his Village in Hungary , his first night in a concentration camp, and when his only hope passes onto another world. Night literally symbolizes the dark part of the day but in this memoir Night symbolizes a feeling that can touch anyone who reads its contents. Night like any symbol makes you look deeper into a story and get what the author is trying to say. In night it encourages peace and happiness and to keep the world’s daylight even when the sun goes down.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text, making clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through the presentation and development of his/her central idea. (“Although the literal meaning of night is the time when the roads are lit by streetlights it symbolizes death of any hope and despair and is shown through the families last moments in their homes, their first night in Auschwitz, and finally when Elie’s father dies and is replaced with another prisoner of death.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes good content and thoughtful development. The writer’s arguments are clearly developed using a variety of specific evidence and literary elements from the text. (“The night before they were to be taken to concentration camps, Elie Wiesel recalls he ‘spent the night turning over thoughts and memories in my mind, unable to find sleep’ This would be the first night of the terrible nights that would follow. Then ‘the days were like nights, and the nights left dregs of darkness in our souls.’ Wiesel shows the reader the darkness of the first of the terrible nights by showing himself not being able to sleep.”)

Organization

This essay is well organized and cohesive. The five-paragraph structure demonstrates unity with a well-written introduction and conclusion; moreover, the writer consistently uses transitional phrases between paragraphs. (“In addition, the darkness of night is shown on the first night Elie is in Auschwitz death camp…. Finally, one of the last dreadful showings of the symbol night is when Elie is trapped all alone at nighttime when his father passes away.”) Additionally, topic sentences are evident and sequential in relation to the writer’s original thesis, thus contributing to the clarity of this essay.

Language Use & Style

There is good use of language and style in this essay. The writer uses appropriate language, with evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Sentences are well structured with some variety . (“ With the blink of an eye Elie falls asleep and wakes up and sees someone else laying in his fathers spot….When his father dies it is as if the lights went out in a deep corridor inside of him, the lights that bring hope for a better day .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control of conventions and mechanics. The essay does exhibit some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling; however, these minor errors do not interfere with the writer’s message. (“ An example of the despair of night is when the families in a little village in Hungary spend their last hours in their homes worrying about the next days events.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Night is known to most people as the time between sunset and sunrise when the sun is not out. Nighttime is merely the period of time in which one sleeps and the sky is dark. However, night has a very different meaning to Holocaust survivors. The author of the memoir, Night, Elie Wiesel, chose this title because during his experiences in concentration camps, his life changed into one never ending night and the darkness and pain of the night scars him forever.

When Eliezer first arrives at a concentration camp, he doesn’t know what to expect. Little does he know that he will be forced to witness countless numbers of deaths, beatings and inhumane acts. “Never shall I forget that night, the first night in the camp, which has turned my life into one long night, seven times cursed and seven times sealed. Never shall I forget that smoke. never shall I forget the little faces of the children, whose bodies I say turned into wreaths of smoke beneath a silent blue sky” (32). All of his nights become one and he never knows which will truly be his last. “The last night in Buna. Yet another last night. The last night at home, the last night in the ghetto, the last night in the train, and, now, the last night in Buna. How much longer were our lives to be dragged out from on “last night” to another?” (79). Eliezer finds that these nights will haunt him for the rest of his days.

Eliezer loses his will to live when he and his father are forced to run for their lives. Night becomes an unbearable load and the weather conditions are so physically grueling that he feels he cannot go on. “The icy wind blew in violent guest. But we marched without faltering...I was dragging with me this skeletal body which weighed so much” (81). Eliezer viewed his life a death march and he has changed into a pessimist that can t wait for his life to end. “The gates of the camp opened. It seemed that an even darker night was waiting for us on the other side it snowed relentlessly” (80). He has to withstand elements of the coldest winter and his body has trouble functioning properly. Innumerable amounts of people lives end and death loses its meaning. “Pressed up against the others in an effort to keep out the cold, head empty and heavy at the same time, brain a whirlpool of decaying memories. Indifference deadened the spirit. Here or elsewhere what difference did it make? To die today or tomorrow, or later? The night was long and never ending I tried to distinguish those who were still alive from those who had gone. But there was no difference” (93). When dead bodies get thrown out of the train Eliezer is one, he shows no emotion because he himself is no longer alive inside. “The days were like nights, and the nights left the dregs of their darkness in our souls. All through these days and nights we stayed crouching, one on top of the other, never speaking a word. We were no more than frozen bodies. Our eyes closed, we waited merely for the next stop, so that we could unload or dead” (94). Night changes Eliezer from a boy that enjoyed life, into a spiritless, heartless drone.

Elie Wiesel used the word night the title of his memoir because this word is the epitemy of what the Holocaust means to him; darkness, freezing cold, lonliness, fright, and gloominess. Night reminds him of all the deaths and horrifying acts that Eliezer endured. So many people’s innocent lives were taken and it was during the night that Eliezer’s life was transformed into a burden of loss and deprivation.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay maintains adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, ideas in the text, and literary techniques through a controlling idea. (“ The author of the memoir, Night, Elie Wiesel, chose this title because during his experiences in concentration camps, his life changed into one never ending night and the darkness and pain of the night scars him forever.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of this essay are adequate. The writer’s ideas are developed using some specific and relevant details in addition to literary elements from the text. (“Night becomes an unbearable load and the weather conditions are so physically grueling that he feels he cannot go on. ‘The icy wind blew in violent guest. But we marched without faltering...I was dragging with me this skeletal body which weighed so much’ (81).”)

Organization

The organization of this four-paragraph essay is adequate. The essay exhibits a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. (“Night is known to most people as the time between sunset and sunrise when the sun is not out. Nighttime is merely the period of time in which one sleeps and the sky is dark….So many people’s innocent lives were taken and it was during the night that Eliezer’s life was transformed into a burden of loss and deprivation.”) There is some evidence of subtle transitions, but the use of paragraphing devices within this essay is debatable.

Language Use & Style

This writer’s use of language and style is adequate. A ppropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, is apparent within this essay. Sentence structure is generally correct with some variety. (“ Night reminds him of all the deaths and horrifying acts that Eliezer endured. So many people’s innocent lives were taken and it was during the night that Eliezer’s life was transformed into a burden of loss and deprivation.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of mechanics and conventions within this essay. There are some errors relating to grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“Elie Wiesel used the word night the title of his memoir because this word is the epitemy of what the Holocaust means to him; darkness, freezing cold, lonliness, fright, and gloominess.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The significance of the title Night can be expressed in many ways than one it can be based on the hardships they faced, or can be expressed in how they felt, not ever knowing humanity could make another race feel so low. I believe that that is an excellent title cause in can be interpreted in so many ways. Night is associated with darkness the unknown and it has an erie meaning towards it. As a child you were brought up to believe that night had scary things and this book gives you true belief of it. I feel that Night is a significant title for this book. this book talks about the trials and tribulations many people face, what many Jews faced. The word night can be associated with so many things. so many problems. As a child many were afraid of the dark, the unknown. And this book talks about it. It talks about what was in the dark and brings it to the light. And so many people fail to realize that.

Many jews were killed and went through terrible ordeals. The things that were done to them i wouldn’t want my dog to see or experience. I mean the thrashings, the harsh living conditions, the rations, the torment all were terrible the way this race was treated was terrible. I mean down right horrible. How could someone believe that they were better than another race. How could you fix your mouth to say such a thing to say that you ae superior to another. But thats what happened aryans believed that they were superior to the jews. And its crazy they actually thought that the jews were below them because the jews were not of the same race. Now that is a cold-hearted thing and that can be applied to the title Night. The night express meaning of hardships that many jews went through and it tells of the horrid belief and lost hope. it entails dispair lost sense of want hate and disbelief of religion lost faith.

This title is perfect. these people are brave. Some would not want this to be shared some might want to keep it a secret in the night but they wanted everyone to know that humanity is not so perfect and from the experiences and how they were treated humanity needs a reality check.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay is limited in its focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only vague connections among the task, ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling idea. (“ The word night can be associated with so many things. so many problems. As a child many were afraid of the dark, the unknown. And this book talks about it. It talks about what was in the dark and brings it to the light. And so many people fail to realize that. ”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content and development are limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific, accurate evidence and literary elements from the text. (“ Many jews were killed and went through terrible ordeals. The things that were done to them i wouldn’t want my dog to see or experience. I mean the thrashings, the harsh living conditions, the rations, the torment all were terrible the way this race was treated was terrible. I mean down right horrible .”)

Organization

This three-paragraph essay demonstrates limited organization. There is evidence of an introduction and a conclusion, but the organization of details within the introduction/conclusion is unclear. The essay is not cohesive and lacks use of transitional devices. (“Many jews were killed and went through terrible ordeals…. This title is perfect. these people are brave.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is limited in its use of language and style. It demonstrates simple l anguage and word choice with some awareness of audience. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient s entence variety. (“And its crazy they actually thought that the jews were below them because the jews were not of the same race. Now that is a cold-hearted thing and that can be applied to the title Night.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“ The night express meaning of hardships that many jews went through and it tells of the horrid belief and lost hope. it entails dispair lost sense of want hate and disbelief of religion lost faith. ”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think the name Night tells is supposed to be a feeling of the Jews in concentration camps. He always described the camps cold and dreary and whenever he was transferred he said the sun was always brighter and he had hope.

He probably named it Night for another reason also maybe he named it Night because it was one of the Jewish cultures darkest times. If that’s not it then he is describing the darkest times of his life he was separated from his mom and his sisters, and never saw them again. His father was with him for a long time but then he died. He also could have named this story Night because of the darkness of people’s minds that you never thought anyone was capable of doing why would you want to kill millions of Jews just because they are wealthy or God’s chosen people.

There are many reasons he could have named the book Night and i know I haven’t named them all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused analysis of the text and makes minimal connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements through an uncertain central idea. (“He probably named it Night for another reason also maybe he named it Night because it was one of the Jewish cultures darkest times. If that’s not it then he is describing the darkest times of his life he was separated from his mom and his sisters, and never saw them again.”)

Content & Development

This essay’s content is minimally developed. The writer develops his/her ideas inadequately and incompletely, using minimal references to the text. (“His father was with him for a long time but then he died. He also could have named this story Night because of the darkness of people’s minds that you never thought anyone was capable of doing why would you want to kill millions of Jews just because they are wealthy or God’s chosen people.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates minimal organization. There is little evidence of an introduction and conclusion, and the essay also lacks appropriate paragraphing and transitional devices. (“ I think the name Night tells is supposed to be a feeling of the Jews in concentration camps …. There are many reasons he could have named the book Night and i know I haven’t named them all. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. P oor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, is demonstrated. There is also evidence of basic errors in sentence structure and usage. (“ He probably named it Night for another reason also maybe he named it Night because it was one of the Jewish cultures darkest times. If that’s not it then he is describing the darkest times of his life he was separated from his mom and his sisters, and never saw them again. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is shown in this essay, as there are p atterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“ There are many reasons he could have named the book Night and i know I haven’t named them all.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The significance of the title Night is that it shows what time of the day. It also means that in the story that is when every important had happen in the camps. The title can say a whole lot of thing, but to Elie Wiesel it means what she saw in person at the labor camps. What the title means to me is that night the camp was liberated by U.S. Soliders.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning of this essay are inadequate. The writer fails to establish a complete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, or literary elements through a controlling idea. (“The significance of the title Night is that it shows what time of the day. It also means that in the story that is when every important had happen in the camps.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits inadequate development of content. The writer fails to develop ideas and does not use any meaningful references to the text. (“ The title can say a whole lot of thing, but to Elie Wiesel it means what she saw in person at the labor camps. What the title means to me is that night the camp was liberated by U.S. Soliders. ”)

Organization

This essay’s organization is inadequate, as it only consists of one paragraph without a formal introduction or conclusion. There is no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. (“ The significance of the title Night is that it shows what time of the day. It also means that in the story that is when every important had happen in the camps. The title can say a whole lot of thing, but to Elie Wiesel it means what she saw in person at the labor camps. What the title means to me is that night the camp was liberated by U.S. Soliders .”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style in this essay is inadequate. The essay exhibits incoherent sentences, poor word choice, and little awareness of audience. (“It also means that in the story that is when every important had happen in the camps. The title can say a whole lot of thing, but to Elie Wiesel it means what she saw in person at the labor camps.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates an inadequate control of conventions and mechanics. The errors contained within this essay significantly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message. (“The title can say a whole lot of thing, but to Elie Wiesel it means what she saw in person at the labor camps. What the title means to me is that night the camp was liberated by U.S. Soliders.”)

Stopping the Salem Witch Trials

After carefully reading The Crucible by Arthur Miller, imagine you live at the time of the Salem Witch Trials. You have seen many of your friends and loved ones executed due to false accusations. Write a letter to Danforth persuading him to put an end to this situation. Make sure to include details and examples from the text to support your argument.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Danforth,

You may have noticed that our town has gone cynical due to the spread of the supposed practice of witchcraft. I surely cannot blame the peer pressure that is put before you, which led you no alternate choice but to persecute these "witches." I quote the word witches because of the uncertainty of their true character and actions, of which you and the Court neglected to further investigate on. My main purpose of writing you this letter is not to indirectly revile of your professionalism nor besiege you, but more of pleading you to put an end to the controversial issue of witchcraft.

Recently, you have prosecuted a rather large group of people all over the town of Salem , most particularly my fellow cronies, John Proctor and his wife, Elizabeth. I think that your verdict among the accused are unjust because as I stated before, there is no sufficient evidence. Of course you can account for Abigail Williams's statement as part of evidence, but I believe that there are more facts and information from other people's perspectives that you should pursue and take note of, especially when these people happen to be witnesses or close ties with the suspect. Since the accuser is placing charges against an individual, then shouldn't the defendant have the right to state their side of the story? How do you know whether Abigail Williams was actually telling the the truth? Since you believed so, then I think that you have been terribly deceived and manipulated by a teenage girl. If this adolescent was able to convince you, then it wouldn't be a surprise that her manipulation has turned people's heads with confusion and distraught. With no disrespect, sir, but usually people would consider a judge foolish of being convinced by a girl; however, it seems to me that this town has also been victimized and lured into her testament. Are you not aware that she has major flaws, of which she can be prosecuted and most likely be hanged? Did you not question her motives, or if she, too, ever practiced witchcraft? The main reason for Williams's sudden accusations are not because of the spread of witchcraft, but it is all vengeance upon her favor just to simply get back at John Proctor and his wife. I know this because as Proctor's close companion, he told me every secret in his life that he felt was haunting him; one of them was his affair with Ms. Abigail Williams. Mr. Proctor knew that bad karma was imminent, but he never expected his wife to be involved nor suffer because of his wrongdoings. Because of this, his enmity towards Ms. Williams has been carried with him through his death. As for Goody Proctor, who will provide for child support once the baby is born? This is one of many reasons as to why false accusations and public executions should be put a stop to.

How can one accuse another individual with no additional evidence to present in Court? There are several possibilities where the plaintiff could equivocate on a person's actions. It's quite surprising to see how the Court can severely punish a suspect for simplying lying on a certain situation, such as what Mary Warren did to defend her master, Mr. Proctor. This shows how paranoid the authorities are, yet gullible as well because they actually believed in every single statement that is said to them. Your Excellency, I do hope you admit that the Court has some major flaws, which led to a total disaster and animosity in Salem . Since you have appointed your officials to publicly execute the suspects (both innocent and guilty), the town's economy is decreasing. Most of the suspects were prominent farmers, and now that most of them have been executed, who will sustain our economy with crops and to keep the people from famine? In addition, more families will become poor due to lack of financial support. My advice is to think over the trials of which the suspects are convicted and think of the outcome of their death, and how it will affect their loved ones. If this was not recognized, then the whole town would be in chaos and who knows, maybe vengeance will seek for your life. Like I said, I'm not implying on any threats against you, your Excellency. I'm just simply warning you of the consequences that you will face, such as a mob of people who are intended on putting your life in danger because of your unjust decisions.

Lastly, I think that the system of public execution is very immoral. Rather than it being a warning to all citizens who attempt on illegal issues and other crimes, it looks as if the execution was of sheer entertainment for these people since some of them enjoy watching these suspects wait for their painful deaths. This can be very degrading and embarrassing for the loved ones, and I hope that they should at least be given some dignity and respect for their losses. It seems more logical if the officials did these executions more discreetly, and not present a show for our citizens.

Your Excellency, I thank you for your time in reading this letter. As I stated before, I'm not placing a threat against you nor your officials. I'm just giving you some suggestions on how to better our society and prevent it from becoming chaotic. I do think that you are keeping up to your profession as a judge, but I hope that you take these matters seriously by mending our town's flaws (that, being vengeance) so to prevent it from further chaos than it is right now.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer provides an insightful and informative controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay. (“ You may have noticed that our town has gone cynical due to the spread of the supposed practice of witchcraft. I surely cannot blame the peer pressure that is put before you, which led you no alternate choice but to persecute these ‘witches.’ I quote the word witches because of the uncertainty of their true character and actions, of which you and the Court neglected to further investigate on. My main purpose of writing you this letter is not to indirectly revile of your professionalism nor besiege you, but more of pleading you to put an end to the controversial issue of witchcraft. ”) The analysis is in-depth, persuasive, and makes very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The writer’s examination of the play is very thorough and insightful. The writer uses a wide variety of textual references and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The writer clearly explains examples from the text that support his/her argument. (“ Recently, you have prosecuted a rather large group of people all over the town of Salem , most particularly my fellow cronies, John Proctor and his wife, Elizabeth. I think that your verdict among the accused are unjust because as I stated before, there is no sufficient evidence. Of course you can account for Abigail Williams's statement as part of evidence, but I believe that there are more facts and information from other people's perspectives that you should pursue and take note of, especially when these people happen to be witnesses or close ties with the suspect. Since the accuser is placing charges against an individual, then shouldn't the defendant have the right to state their side of the story? ”) This student goes beyond superficial interpretation and treats the reader to an in-depth analysis that uses support from the text in order to persuade Judge Danforth.

Organization

The essay is organized very effectively. The introduction is well-developed, and it engages the reader with a brief synopsis of the intention of the letter. The body paragraphs are detailed, well-supported, and contain specific quotes from the text. Finally, an artful conclusion reiterates the writer’s thesis to engage the reader one last time. (“ Your Excellency, I thank you for your time in reading this letter. As I stated before, I'm not placing a threat against you nor your officials. I'm just giving you some suggestions on how to better our society and prevent it from becoming chaotic. I do think that you are keeping up to your profession as a judge, but I hope that you take these matters seriously by mending our town's flaws (that, being vengeance) so to prevent it from further chaos than it is right now. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer composes this essay using very effective, stylistic language and precise, artful word choice. (“The main reason for Williams's sudden accusations are not because of the spread of witchcraft, but it is all vengeance upon her favor just to simply get back at John Proctor and his wife. I know this because as Proctor's close companion, he told me every secret in his life that he felt was haunting him; one of them was his affair with Ms. Abigail Williams. Mr. Proctor knew that bad karma was imminent, but he never expected his wife to be involved nor suffer because of his wrongdoings. Because of this, his enmity towards Ms. Williams has been carried with him through his death. ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ Since you have appointed your officials to publicly execute the suspects (both innocent and guilty), the town's economy is decreasing. Most of the suspects were prominent farmers, and now that most of them have been executed, who will sustain our economy with crops and to keep the people from famine? In addition, more families will become poor due to lack of financial support. My advice is to think over the trials of which the suspects are convicted and think of the outcome of their death, and how it will affect their loved ones.”) This student uses effective language to demonstrate an awareness of audience, establish a purpose, and create a persuasive tone.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. A few errors in grammar (“ The main reason for Williams's sudden accusations are not because of the spread of witchcraft”), punctuation, and spelling are evident in this well-written piece, but they do not detract from the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Danforth,

I am familiar with the crisis the town is going through, with the accusing of witches, etc. I know this because I saw my dearest friend, Rebecca, hanged. She was a very prestigious woman, who was well respected throughout the people. It revolts me to know my dear friend, Rebecca, was hanged for a false accusation. Many relatives and friends of mine were hung falsely as well and the time has come to beg you to stop this catastrophe. Danforth you are taking innocent lives and condemning them to death. How can you be so sure that the girls are truthful? If you say that a witch can be anyone, than why not children as well, they are much easier to manipulate. Their minds are not as strong, therefore they are easier of being persuaded to follow any spirit. I ask of you to stop these witch trials at once!

Rebecca's death has caused me to waken and finally realize the trouble you are doing. To believe that such a great woman could have been a witch causes me pity towards you. This great lady was a hero to Salem , everyone looked up to her and was pleased with her. Once, her husband was curious as to why she read greatly and by herself but his curiosity does not give any proof of her conceiling with the devil. If a number of girls scream and confess they have seen Rebecca with the devil, how can you believe them and notRebecca? I beg you to stop condemning poor innocent lives to their death just for assumptions you and the court decide. My heart broke when I witnessed Rebecca's death, she was indeed old but she deserved to die naturally, the way God made it not because you killed her.

These twelve girls that gather up and make a big scene in the court of being possessed by the devil, make them all fake. How may so many minds see the same thing at once? Please Danforth you are better than to believe their lies, you can not follow what they say! I am telling you that these witch trials are only making people fear the court a lot, the people can no longer do anything different because then they are accused! Salem has become a murderer town. Not even you know, sometimes, if to believe the people are innocent or witches. With hundreds of people being accused of dealing with the devil then for what reason are various forced through torture to confess? Does it not hint you that they can not confess to a lie? I feel tremendous disgust towards you, I can not believe I considered you my friend. The suffer I felt for the losing of all of my friends because you condemned them, with the only proof of the girl's confessions or a doll a person kept, increase my anger. I cry for my losings and regret not defending them, but if I had I would too been damned. These witch trials that are given to see if the accused are truly witches, are really only entertainment to the audience. The audience enjoys seeing the girls' scream and people plead for their life. Your great court is merely entertainment to the town.

My pleading to stop you from continuing these witch trials insist that you bring an end to them. Rebecca, my friend, died and I will not allow more lives to be taken. I request that you stop the Salem witch trials and hanging. Instead, I advise you find a cure for the witches, there may be a way to take the devil out and still let them keep their life. What good does the hanging do? It simply lessens the population of the town, therefore please, Danforth end this dilemma.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“ Many relatives and friends of mine were hung falsely as well and the time has come to beg you to stop this catastrophe. Danforth you are taking innocent lives and condemning them to death. How can you be so sure that the girls are truthful? If you say that a witch can b Many relatives and friends of mine were hung falsely as well and the time has come to beg you to stop this catastrophe. Danforth you are taking innocent lives and condemning them to death. How can you be so sure that the girls are truthful? If you say that a witch can be anyone, than why not children as well, they are much easier to manipulate. Their minds are not as strong, therefore they are easier of being persuaded to follow any spirit. I ask of you to stop these witch trials at once! ”) and completes a thorough and persuasive analysis of the text. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The writer of this essay develops a thorough analysis and uses a persuasive tone to respond to the task. (“ These twelve girls that gather up and make a big scene in the court of being possessed by the devil, make them all fake. How may so many minds see the same thing at once? Please Danforth you are better than to believe their lies, you can not follow what they say! I am telling you that these witch trials are only making people fear the court a lot, the people can no longer do anything different because then they are accused! Salem has become a murderer town.”) The writer cites directly from the text to demonstrate a full understanding of the story and makes high-level connections in order to effectively persuade the reader. (“Rebecca's death has caused me to waken and finally realize the trouble you are doing. To believe that such a great woman could have been a witch causes me pity towards you. This great lady was a hero to Salem , everyone looked up to her and was pleased with her. Once, her husband was curious as to why she read greatly and by herself but his curiosity does not give any proof of her conceiling with the devil. If a number of girls scream and confess they have seen Rebecca with the devil, how can you believe them and notRebecca? I beg you to stop condemning poor innocent lives to their death just for assumptions you and the court decide.”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ Rebecca's death has caused me to waken and finally realize the trouble you are doing. To believe that such a great woman could have been a witch causes me pity towards you. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes suggestions as to how Danforth can stop the Salem Witch Trials. (“ I request that you stop the Salem witch trials and hanging. Instead, I advise you find a cure for the witches, there may be a way to take the devil out and still let them keep their life. What good does the hanging do? It simply lessens the population of the town, therefore please, Danforth end this dilemma.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates very appropriate word choice and evidence of voice by using language appropriate to the time period. (“I feel tremendous disgust towards you, I can not believe I considered you my friend. The suffer I felt for the losing of all of my friends because you condemned them, with the only proof of the girl's confessions or a doll a person kept, increase my anger. I cry for my losings and regret not defending them, but if I had I would too been damned. These witch trials that are given to see if the accused are truly witches, are really only entertainment to the audience.” ) The writer uses varied sentence structure and is aware of his/her audience, Mr. Danforth. (“ My pleading to stop you from continuing these witch trials insist that you bring an end to them. Rebecca, my friend, died and I will not allow more lives to be taken. I request that you stop the Salem witch trials and hanging. Instead, I advise you find a cure for the witches, there may be a way to take the devil out and still let them keep their life. What good does the hanging do? It simply lessens the population of the town, therefore please, Danforth end this dilemma.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates effective control over the mechanics and conventions of writing. Few errors in spelling (“conceiling”) , grammar (“ The suffer I felt for the losing of all of my friends because you condemned them”) , and punctuation are noticeable but do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear honorable judge Danforth,

It has come to my attention that this esplecite idea of the wicth trials is something that the town of Salem should not take part in. It is see as a way to do what god has ordered us, but however as time goes by and more trials are made it is turning into a game made by the devil. The fact that the town's population is now being wiped out by ignorent remarks of wichery seems completely the work of something diovolick. There are many reasons why we should not take this temped actions. I am not scared of showing you how wrong you truly are. Even though I am from what is considered to be the weak sex I will show you and the rest of the town the light and how wrong you guys are in these darken days.

The part that allows many peopleto see that this act is fact the devils commandement is proven when time after time innocent people are diying. Now you tell me if the death of people who have always walked in the foot steps of good deseive to die. Is it not the act of the evil one forthe truefolloweers of god to die, and for them to be seen as an imposter in the eyes of every otherperson. The people that are fearful of god are the ones that are being declared as the brides and servents of the devil. Is it that I am the only person that sees true evil.

Please allow me to ask you one question, has it not crossed your worried head for any moment that what you are doing is murder? The purposes of the claiming somebody is a witch is now made to remove somebody from the town. The word witch has now lost it's meaning. It no longer means people who have contact with the devil or people who did the devil's work. Now it's meaning has turned into nothing else than somebody who you do not like. Most of the people who are being accused of witch craft are people who are very fearful of god . For example the one Goody Nurse. The beloved Rebecca Nurse is a perfect example of this type of crime. There is an entire town that can say that she is a very religious person. She has been a person who has taken part in prayer for 70 years.

In the other hand if you still feel that you must continue with the trial then I merely subject the change the ways you take confessions pout of people. I feel that the way it is done by the court it seems just too barbaric. You have to be honest with your self, do you not think that the procedures you take are not the right one s to take. For example crushing somebody with rocks is not going to help you at all. By crushing Putman with that amount of rocks was simply too much. It is not like because you are being mean to them that are going to make say their confession any quicker. What you should do is tell the person what their options are. As a plus you could tell the person what the consequences of their options are going to be.

Sincirely,

close towns person

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The writer develops an answer to the prompt, has an understanding of the task, and uses a persuasive tone. (“ It is see as a way to do what god has ordered us, but however as time goes by and more trials are made it is turning into a game made by the devil. The fact that the town's population is now being wiped out by ignorent remarks of wichery seems completely the work of something diovolick. There are many reasons why we should not take this temped actions. I am not scared of showing you how wrong you truly are. Even though I am from what is considered to be the weak sex I will show you and the rest of the town the light and how wrong you guys are in these darken days.”) This response offers a brief analysis and does make connections between the text and task.

Content & Development

The writer supports his/her controlling idea through connections made from personal experience and the text. However, the writer does not use enough persuasive support, as is evidenced by the lack of textual details. (“The part that allows many peopleto see that this act is fact the devils commandement is proven when time after time innocent people are diying. Now you tell me if the death of people who have always walked in the foot steps of good deseive to die. Is it not the act of the evil one forthe truefolloweers of god to die, and for them to be seen as an imposter in the eyes of every otherperson. The people that are fearful of god are the ones that are being declared as the brides and servents of the devil.”)

Organization

This response exhibits a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph engages the reader and develops the necessary background information for the essay. Each body paragraph is adequately structured but requires more detail. The concluding paragraph further elaborates the writer’s argument, but it fails to leave the reader with a persuasive message. (“In the other hand if you still feel that you must continue with the trial then I merely subject the change the ways you take confessions pout of people. I feel that the way it is done by the court it seems just too barbaric. You have to be honest with your self, do you not think that the procedures you take are not the right one s to take. For example crushing somebody with rocks is not going to help you at all. By crushing Putman with that amount of rocks was simply too much.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most of the writer’s word choices are appropriate, but the problematic sentence structure makes them difficult to interpret. (“The part that allows many peopleto see that this act is fact the devils commandement is proven when time after time innocent people are diying. Now you tell me if the death of people who have always walked in the foot steps of good deseive to die. Is it not the act of the evil one forthe truefolloweers of god to die, and for them to be seen as an imposter in the eyes of every otherperson.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling (“ deseive”) , and grammar (“ There are many reasons why we should not take this temped actions. ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Danforth,

I ask you to please release Elizabeth & John Proctor. He is an innocent man. John is a very good friend he has helped me and various occasions. He is also a very religious man. He would never associate himself with any sort of evil especially the devil. Abigail is fabricating lies about John Proctor. She had taken a liking to him. John told me that Abigail confessed her liking of him. It was the day he went to see Betty, reverend Parris' young daughter who was sick, they were alone in the room and Abigail confessed it to him.

Elizabeth found out that she liked John and kicked her out of the proctor house. Abigail has hated for Elizabeth that is why Abigail is now accusing Elizabeth of witchcraft. Elizabeth is a good wife. She is innocent of the charges brought against her. Elizabeth has never done evil, she only helps people.

Abigail wants to be with John Proctor. Now that she knows that he won't leave his wife, Abigail is now accusing him. Also the evidence she gives is spectral. The evidence she give is not realistic, there is not real evidence that you can prosecute the Proctors with. Abigail just wants attention from people.

Further More Mercy also confessed. She said that the girls were lying for attention. Mercy also said that Abigail drank blood to try and kill Goody Proctor. The important thing is that she confessed that she and the girl were all lying.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer attempts to establish a controlling idea (“ I ask you to please release Elizabeth & John Proctor.”), but it is not fully developed nor does it answer the prompt. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the text. The writer attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“Abigail wants to be with John Proctor. Now that she knows that he won't leave his wife, Abigail is now accusing him. Also the evidence she gives is spectral. The evidence she give is not realistic, there is not real evidence that you can prosecute the Proctors with.”), but these connections lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

The writer does provide a detailed account of one situation from the text, but he/she fails to give the reader an actual understanding of the entire text. The entire essay revolves around one circumstance; it fails to analyze the entire text in conjunction with the prompt question. (“ Elizabeth found out that she liked John and kicked her out of the proctor house. Abigail has hated for Elizabeth that is why Abigail is now accusing Elizabeth of witchcraft. Elizabeth is a good wife. She is innocent of the charges brought against her. Elizabeth has never done evil, she only helps people.”) In the conclusion, the writer tries to make a connection to the text, but it comes across to the reader as off-topic. (“ Further More Mercy also confessed. She said that the girls were lying for attention. Mercy also said that Abigail drank blood to try and kill Goody Proctor. The important thing is that she confessed that she and the girl were all lying.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The writer includes an introduction and three body paragraphs, but they all discuss the same idea, rather than different supports for the intended purpose of the essay. This essay does not contain a conclusion which would further develop and explain the author’s purpose. (“ Further More Mercy also confessed. She said that the girls were lying for attention. Mercy also said that Abigail drank blood to try and kill Goody Proctor. The important thing is that she confessed that she and the girl were all lying.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the use of language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“I ask you to please release Elizabeth & John Proctor. He is an innocent man. John is a very good friend he has helped me and various occasions. He is also a very religious man. He would never associate himself with any sort of evil especially the devil. Abigail is fabricating lies about John Proctor.”) The sentence structure is adequate and varied, but the essay contains minimal evidence of voice. (“Further More Mercy also confessed. She said that the girls were lying for attention. Mercy also said that Abigail drank blood to try and kill Goody Proctor. The important thing is that she confessed that she and the girl were all lying. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some control over the mechanics and conventions of writing. However, several errors in spelling , grammar (“ The evidence she give is not realistic, there is not real evidence that you can prosecute the Proctors with.”) , and punctuation (“ Betty, reverend Parris' young daughter”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr. Danforth,

The reason for my letter is to inform you that it has come to my concern that you have been executing innocent people and accusing them of being witches and doing witchcraft without having any proof regarding their accusations. How can you sentience people to death for being witches only because children say they are? Think of the families who need their parents and their love. The Salem village would be empty and melancholy without people or children.

Please take in concern my letter, with all regards. If you satisfy my letter, you have my word on keeping an eye on them to have the proof of the accusations. At least, do not harm any prisoners or execute them till prove has proven. Many people have been accused unfairly, because of economically or socially. Please pardon me if I disrupted you at any time and please consider my letter. At heart you are not a cruel judge but loving and honestly.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a central idea ( “The reason for my letter is to inform you that it has come to my concern that you have been executing innocent people and accusing them of being witches and doing witchcraft without having any proof regarding their accusations. How can you sentience people to death for being witches only because children say they are? ”), but it is not developed. Although the writer does attempt to make a connection between the text and task in a brief introduction, this response fails to be detailed. This shows that the writer does not fully understand the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The writer briefly relays ideas related to the thesis, but he/she needs to go into further detail in order to convince the reader. (“How can you sentience people to death for being witches only because children say they are? Think of the families who need their parents and their love. The Salem village would be empty and melancholy without people or children.”) There are entirely too few details and examples from the text for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

There is little evidence of unified organization in this short response. There is an introduction (“ The reason for my letter is to inform you that it has come to my concern that you have been executing innocent people and accusing them of being witches and doing witchcraft without having any proof regarding their accusations. How can you sentience people to death for being witches only because children say they are? ”) and conclusion but no body paragraphs; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The writer uses adequate language to address his/her audience. (“At least, do not harm any prisoners or execute them till prove has proven. Many people have been accused unfairly, because of economically or socially. Please pardon me if I disrupted you at any time and please consider my letter. At heart you are not a cruel judge but loving and honestly.”) Sentences are varied with a sense of the writer’s voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates adequate control over the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English. Few errors in spelling , grammar (“ Many people have been accused unfairly, because of economically or socially.”) , and punctuation are noticeable but do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Dear Mr.Danforth

Now, by this time I have seen many of my friends and loved ones executed due to false accusations. It's injustice. It's not right to falsely accuse someone, yet it can be somewhat understandable. But it's more than wrong and definitely not understandable to take someones life away just because you think they did something they may have not really done. Something the person may have no clue of and the wherabouts. It must not continue, not in this matter. If it continues to be this way about 80% of the population will be gone in less than 5 years. Like I said it's injusttice and it needs to stop.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this short response, the writer fails to respond to the prompt by establishing a persuasive controlling idea. (“Now, by this time I have seen many of my friends and loved ones executed due to false accusations. It's injustice. It's not right to falsely accuse someone, yet it can be somewhat understandable.”) The writer has no understanding of the purpose or the audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are adequate but seem off-topic; the writer fails to directly address the purpose of the prompt. The writer does not state a thesis or use any relevant details from the text. (“But it's more than wrong and definitely not understandable to take someones life away just because you think they did something they may have not really done. Something the person may have no clue of and the wherabouts.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction, but it does not include a thesis, body paragraphs, or conclusion. (“Now, by this time I have seen many of my friends and loved ones executed due to false accusations. It's injustice. It's not right to falsely accuse someone, yet it can be somewhat understandable. But it's more than wrong and definitely not understandable to take someones life away just because you think they did something they may have not really done. Something the person may have no clue of and the wherabouts. It must not continue, not in this matter. If it continues to be this way about 80% of the population will be gone in less than 5 years. Like I said it's injusttice and it needs to stop.”)

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“Now, by this time I have seen many of my friends and loved ones executed due to false accusations. It's injustice. It's not right to falsely accuse someone, yet it can be somewhat understandable.”) However, the writer shows no awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows that the student has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. There are major errors in spelling (“injusttice”), grammar (“Something the person may have no clue of and the wherabouts.”), and punctuation (“someones”). These errors significantly interfere with the meaning of the text.

Symbolism in Animal Farm

In the book Animal Farm , George Orwell uses animals to symbolically represent humans and our creations of government and society. Orwell allegorically uses animals and their social groups to criticize Joseph Stalin's rise to power, the overall nature of mankind, and the many difficulties that we must all face. After reading the story, what animal do you believe best symbolizes either virtuous or negative human behavior?

In a detailed essay, identify the animal you have chosen and what behavior this animal symbolizes. Be sure to include specific examples and details from the novel to support your response.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout the history of mankind, human behavior has been categorized into two groups: either virtuous or unethical. Overall in history, many leaders displayed a variety of character traits which led to the ultimate result of whether they succeeded or not, affecting the future, or society's present-day status. In the novel, Animal Farm by George Orwell, there are many animals that represent the nature of mankind. Many of the animals were fashioned as symbols that represented humans and mankind's nature, as well of the creation of governments. Out of the all the characters in the novel, Napoleon the boar, represented the presence of negative behavior in human society.

To begin with, Napoleon, who represents the personality of Joseph Stalin, is a very tyrannical leader. His strict nature in his leadership displays the human nature of having the desire to control everything. This behavior is not only negative, but it can just as easily lead to the downfall of a country. This selfish and greedy nature plays a major role in the path of global history. Napoleon used underhanded ways to evasively take complete and utter control over the farm, just as power-hungry human beings use any methods necessary to gain control. Napoleon turned the entire farm against Snowball, an example of an underhanded method to gain control. He maintained this power by enforcing fear among the animals, by using the dogs he raised himself as indicated in the quote, "...they had come to a time when no one dared speak his mind, when fierce, growling dogs roamed everywhere, and when you had to watch your comrades torn to pieces after confessing to shocking crimes. There was no thought of rebellion or disobedience (Orwell 95)." This was only one method of how Napoleon, like Joseph Stalin, ruled the farm with an iron fist.

Interestingly, as each commandment that was established within the founding of Animalism seemed to have mysteriously changed, Napoleon exhibited the human nature of greed by changing these laws to purely benefit Napoleon himself and his underling pigs. This action clearly illustrates how mankind is full of hypocrites. Each commandment was meant for all animals, in agreement to the ideology of Animalism, where all animals were equal to one another, to follow thoroughly. However, as Napoleon became more immersed in the way of the human, he changed the rules to match his own avarice. Such an example would be found in the quote, "'It says, 'No animal shall sleep in a bed with sheets,'' she announced finally. Curiously enough, Clover had not remembered that the Fourth Commandment mentioned sheets; but as it was there on the wall, it must have done so (Orwell 79)." This quotation displays how Napoleon went against the laws that were established for animals such as himself. This behavior is a negative human trait that involves becoming a hypocrite on the grounds that he was meant to follow the rules, but did the antithesis of this by declaring that it was okay, simply because it was Napoleon who broke the rule, whereas if any other animal broke the rules, they would be sentenced to a punishment..

Prevalent in the novel, Napoleon had a band full of loyal followers. Napoleon, however, took advantage of these animals, specifically, Boxer whom symbolized a lower working class. Boxer worked the most rigorously until his death, ironically, it was Napoleon who betrayed Boxer and sent him to be butchered. Regrettably, many human beings, like Napoleon, take advantage of one another cold-heartedly, whenever they seize the opportunity to do so. Boxer, who worked so hard for the sake of his fellow "comrades", met his demise, instead of his promised retirement. Napoleon, instead of giving Boxer the retirement that he so richly deserved, saw that it was more advantageous to sell him off for horsemeat. From this transaction, Napoleon promptly bought a case of whiskey, as hinted in the quote, "No one stirred in the farmhouse before noon on the following day, and the word went round that from somewhere or other, the pigs had acquired the money to buy themselves another case of whiskey (Orwell 126)."

Like many men throughout history, Napoleon exhibited hubris. Throughout history, pride became the downfall of many great leaders and countries. In Animal Farm, however, pride became the driving force behind the special privileges given to the chosen pigs. In the quote, "About this time, too, it was laid down as a rule that when a pig and any other animal met on the path, the other animal must stand aside: and also that all pigs, of whatever degree, were to have the privilege of wearing green ribbons on their tails on Sundays (Orwell 116)," This pride led to inequality, which directly contradicted the idea of Animalism that was founded by Old Major himself. This behavior creates injustice in the world by mankind, therefore it is considered as a negative behavior. As a direct result of Napoleon's pride being hurt, many animals were executed on the spot, after confessing to so-called "crimes" that were acts of treason against Napoleon. He ordered the dogs to rip out their throats, displaying a cruelty to his fellow animals, just as humans display cruelty to one another. In the quote, "When they had finished their confession, the dogs promptly tore their throats out, and in a terrible voice, Napoleon demanded whether any other animal had anything to confess (Orwell 93)," Orwell's use of the word "demanded" shows how angered Napoleon was after learning that the animals he controlled were in collaboration with Snowball, whom he had banished from Animal Farm, later returning to its name of origin, Manor Farm. This behavior is related to having his pride as a tyrant being challenged.

Ultimately, Napoleon's personality and ruling style demonstrates the morbid hidden traits in human nature. The definition of virtuous behavior is directly related to having a moral or ethical behavior. However, because of all the inequality and tyranny that resulted from Napoleon's reign, he clearly does not match the definition of having virtuous behavior. He himself is a symbol of human greed and selfishness; therefore, his character isn't very honorable and cannot qualify for the standard of being virtuous. Unfortunately, his character is a reflection of mankind in general; the potential for darkness in every person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are provided for the readers in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer accurately describes some of the more unsavory attributes of human nature through the deeds of the main character, Napoleon, with clear and very descriptive details. (“To begin with, Napoleon, who represents the personality of Joseph Stalin, is a very tyrannical leader. His strict nature in his leadership displays the human nature of having the desire to control everything. This behavior is not only negative, but it can just as easily lead to the downfall of a country. This selfish and greedy nature plays a major role in the path of global history. Napoleon used underhanded ways to evasively take complete and utter control over the farm, just as power-hungry human beings use any methods necessary to gain control. Napoleon turned the entire farm against Snowball, an example of an underhanded method to gain control. He maintained this power by enforcing fear among the animals, by using the dogs he raised himself as indicated in the quote, ‘...they had come to a time when no one dared speak his mind, when fierce, growling dogs roamed everywhere, and when you had to watch your comrades torn to pieces after confessing to shocking crimes. There was no thought of rebellion or disobedience (Orwell 95).’ This was only one method of how Napoleon, like Joseph Stalin, ruled the farm with an iron fist.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Regrettably, many human beings, like Napoleon, take advantage of one another cold-heartedly, whenever they seize the opportunity to do so. Boxer, who worked so hard for the sake of his fellow ‘comrades’, met his demise, instead of his promised retirement. Napoleon, instead of giving Boxer the retirement that he so richly deserved, saw that it was more advantageous to sell him off for horsemeat. From this transaction, Napoleon promptly bought a case of whiskey, as hinted in the quote, ‘No one stirred in the farmhouse before noon on the following day, and the word went round that from somewhere or other, the pigs had acquired the money to buy themselves another case of whiskey (Orwell 126).’”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Interestingly, as each commandment that was established within the founding of Animalism seemed to have mysteriously changed, Napoleon exhibited the human nature of greed by changing these laws to purely benefit Napoleon himself and his underling pigs. This action clearly illustrates how mankind is full of hypocrites. Each commandment was meant for all animals, in agreement to the ideology of Animalism, where all animals were equal to one another, to follow thoroughly.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Napoleon, however, took advantage of these animals, specifically, Boxer whom symbolized a lower working class. Boxer worked the most rigorously until his death, ironically, it was Napoleon who betrayed Boxer and sent him to be butchered. Regrettably, many human beings, like Napoleon, take advantage of one another cold-heartedly, whenever they seize the opportunity to do so. Boxer, who worked so hard for the sake of his fellow ‘comrades’, met his demise, instead of his promised retirement. Napoleon, instead of giving Boxer the retirement that he so richly deserved, saw that it was more advantageous to sell him off for horsemeat.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In the quote, ‘About this time, too, it was laid down as a rule that when a pig and any other animal met on the path, the other animal must stand aside: and also that all pigs, of whatever degree, were to have the privilege of wearing green ribbons on their tails on Sundays (Orwell 116),’ This pride led to inequality, which directly contradicted the idea of Animalism that was founded by Old Major himself. This behavior creates injustice in the world by mankind, therefore it is considered as a negative behavior. As a direct result of Napoleon's pride being hurt, many animals were executed on the spot, after confessing to so-called "crimes" that were acts of treason against Napoleon.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“He ordered the dogs to rip out their throats, displaying a cruelty to his fellow animals, just as humans display cruelty to one another. In the quote, ‘When they had finished their confession, the dogs promptly tore their throats out, and in a terrible voice, Napoleon demanded whether any other animal had anything to confess (Orwell 93),’ Orwell's use of the word ‘demanded’ shows how angered Napoleon was after learning that the animals he controlled were in collaboration with Snowball, whom he had banished from Animal Farm, later returning to its name of origin, Manor Farm. This behavior is related to having his pride as a tyrant being challenged.”)

Organization

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by clearly defining the two kinds of humanities that co-exist in nature: virtuous and unethical. (“ Throughout the history of mankind, human behavior has been categorized into two groups: either virtuous or unethical. Overall in history, many leaders displayed a variety of character traits which led to the ultimate result of whether they succeeded or not, affecting the future, or society's present-day status. In the novel, Animal Farm by George Orwell, there are many animals that represent the nature of mankind. Many of the animals were fashioned as symbols that represented humans and mankind's nature, as well of the creation of governments. Out of the all the characters in the novel, Napoleon the boar, represented the presence of negative behavior in human society.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Ultimately, Napoleon's personality and ruling style demonstrates the morbid hidden traits in human nature. The definition of virtuous behavior is directly related to having a moral or ethical behavior. However, because of all the inequality and tyranny that resulted from Napoleon's reign, he clearly does not match the definition of having virtuous behavior.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Ultimately, Napoleon's personality and ruling style demonstrates the morbid hidden traits in human nature. The definition of virtuous behavior is directly related to having a moral or ethical behavior. However, because of all the inequality and tyranny that resulted from Napoleon's reign, he clearly does not match the definition of having virtuous behavior. He himself is a symbol of human greed and selfishness; therefore, his character isn't very honorable and cannot qualify for the standard of being virtuous. Unfortunately, his character is a reflection of mankind in general; the potential for darkness in every person.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant attributes that make Napoleon such an unlikeable character. (“ To begin with, Napoleon, who represents the personality of Joseph Stalin, is a very tyrannical leader. His strict nature in his leadership displays the human nature of having the desire to control everything. This behavior is not only negative, but it can just as easily lead to the downfall of a country. This selfish and greedy nature plays a major role in the path of global history. Napoleon used underhanded ways to evasively take complete and utter control over the farm, just as power-hungry human beings use any methods necessary to gain control. Napoleon turned the entire farm against Snowball, an example of an underhanded method to gain control. He maintained this power by enforcing fear among the animals, by using the dogs he raised himself as indicated in the quote, ‘...they had come to a time when no one dared speak his mind, when fierce, growling dogs roamed everywhere, and when you had to watch your comrades torn to pieces after confessing to shocking crimes. There was no thought of rebellion or disobedience (Orwell 95).’”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer slowly paints a picture of the indescribable deeds performed by Napoleon so that by the end of the essay, readers understand why Napoleon symbolizes the darker, negative side of human behavior. (“ Like many men throughout history, Napoleon exhibited hubris. Throughout history, pride became the downfall of many great leaders and countries. In Animal Farm, however, pride became the driving force behind the special privileges given to the chosen pigs. In the quote, ‘About this time, too, it was laid down as a rule that when a pig and any other animal met on the path, the other animal must stand aside: and also that all pigs, of whatever degree, were to have the privilege of wearing green ribbons on their tails on Sundays (Orwell 116),’ This pride led to inequality, which directly contradicted the idea of Animalism that was founded by Old Major himself. This behavior creates injustice in the world by mankind, therefore it is considered as a negative behavior. As a direct result of Napoleon's pride being hurt, many animals were executed on the spot, after confessing to so-called ‘crimes’ that were acts of treason against Napoleon.”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Interestingly, as each commandment that was established within the founding of Animalism seemed to have mysteriously changed, Napoleon exhibited the human nature of greed by changing these laws to purely benefit Napoleon himself and his underling pigs. This action clearly illustrates how mankind is full of hypocrites. Each commandment was meant for all animals, in agreement to the ideology of Animalism, where all animals were equal to one another, to follow thoroughly. However, as Napoleon became more immersed in the way of the human, he changed the rules to match his own avarice.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Overall in history, many leaders displayed a variety of character traits which led to the ultimate result of whether they succeeded or not, affecting the future, or society's present-day status. In the novel, Animal Farm by George Orwell, there are many animals that represent the nature of mankind. Many of the animals were fashioned as symbols that represented humans and mankind's nature, as well of the creation of governments.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my understanding, good and evil are very obvious qualities, and yet complex in the novel, Animal Farm by George Orwell. This farm, originally named Manor Farm, was taken over by animals and operated by animals the day after a planned and well-executed rebellion against the evil farmer, Mr. Jones. At first, they were working together toward the common goal of freedom, hating all humans, but later on, one pig named Napoleon took power and ruled the farm in the form of a Republic. Throughout the story, there is one character that I believe was naïve and innocent and qualifies to be "virtuous". That character is Boxer, the cart-horse. Boxer is very hard working, even though he could be a bit slow in mind, but he didn't have second thoughts over any orders and demands passed along to him by Napolean. He was gullible and innocent and died horribly due to over-timed working. The three things that proved to me that Boxer is virtuous are that he is hard-working, naïve, and loyal.

Initially, the one thing about Boxer that proves him to be virtuous is his gullible mind. Ever since the beginning, Boxer knew that he was not that intelligent, and to make up for his disadvantage, he worked harder and harder until the very end. As early as in chapter 3, Boxer "made an arrangement with one of the cockerels to call him in the morning half an hour earlier than anyone else." This proves that after he and the animals were liberated from the "Jones Era", Boxer works and works; he was truly happy for everyone and their freedom. And so he got his first motto, "I will work harder!" Knowing that working is what he is best at, he was able to do the best he can do and accomplished what three horses can accomplish. However, his strong will and muscle led to his downfall; Boxer died as a result of over-time working. Boxer developed a naïve mind.

Arguably, a naïve mind might be a good trait to have in order to be virtuous, and Boxer had just that, even if his naïve nature is a bit too extreme. From the beginning, a time prior to the rebellion, right after Napoleon and Snowball took over, Boxer was described, along with Clover, as "These two had great difficulty thinking anything out for themselves, but having once accepted the pigs as their teachers, they absorbed everything that they were told, and passed it on." This clearly proves that Boxer believes that since the pigs are smarter, they should always be right. Since Boxer had been admired by the other animals, even before Jones' time, animals listened to what Boxer said, and believed whatever he believed.

Continuing on, as naïve as one can be, Boxer's loyalty towards Napoleon went a bit over the edge; he conducted himself as if he was completely "brainwashed". Not long after Snowball was chased away, Boxer developed his second motto, "Napoleon is always right!" He believes that as much as his first motto. For example, his loyalty was proven even when the worst happened. On the day that Napolean ordered an attempted murder on Boxer, it was said that "to the amazement of everybody, three of them (dogs) flung themselves upon Boxer. Boxer saw them coming and put out his great hoof, caught a dog in midair, and pinned him to the ground." The dogs, under Napoleon's command, attempted to kill Boxer since he doubted Napoleon on the issue of exiling Snowball. Even if the killing did not succeed, the animals were intimidated. Boxer, on the other hand, was still waiting for his "killer's" order, whether or not to let the "tools" go. If Boxer wouldn't be so simple-minded and loyal, and rebelled against Napoleon, the farm would not have ended up the way it did.

Ultimately, Boxer is believed to be one of the most virtuous animals on the farm because he is hard-working, naïve, and loyal. For hard-working, he is able to get up an hour earlier than the other animals and sleep an hour later, just to work more. He is naïve to an extent to not know the difference between who is nice and who isn't. His simple-minded, naïve nature developed his loyalty toward others, even though his loyalty was a bit extreme. "Napoleon is always right!" continued to be his motto, even after Napoleon ordered the dogs to kill him. The word 'virtuous' means "morally excellent", and describes Boxer in an indirect way. Boxer is just like a new-born baby; he takes in what is fed to him, and sticks with it unquestioningly, for a long time. He doesn't have a tainted mind, nor does he have a complex one, however, his virtuous nature led him to his unfortunate death.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the character of Boxer and effectively illustrates the many things he does that define him as a virtuous animal. (“ Throughout the story, there is one character that I believe was naïve and innocent and qualifies to be ‘virtuous’. That character is Boxer, the cart-horse. Boxer is very hard working, even though he could be a bit slow in mind, but he didn't have second thoughts over any orders and demands passed along to him by Napolean.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ As early as in chapter 3, Boxer "made an arrangement with one of the cockerels to call him in the morning half an hour earlier than anyone else." This proves that after he and the animals were liberated from the "Jones Era", Boxer works and works; he was truly happy for everyone and their freedom. And so he got his first motto, "I will work harder!" Knowing that working is what he is best at, he was able to do the best he can do and accomplished what three horses can accomplish. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the many deeds performed by Boxer that made him virtuous in the eyes of the writer. (“ On the day that Napolean ordered an attempted murder on Boxer, it was said that ‘to the amazement of everybody, three of them (dogs) flung themselves upon Boxer. Boxer saw them coming and put out his great hoof, caught a dog in midair, and pinned him to the ground.’ The dogs, under Napoleon's command, attempted to kill Boxer since he doubted Napoleon on the issue of exiling Snowball. Even if the killing did not succeed, the animals were intimidated. Boxer, on the other hand, was still waiting for his ‘killer's’ order, whether or not to let the ‘tools’ go. If Boxer wouldn't be so simple-minded and loyal, and rebelled against Napoleon, the farm would not have ended up the way it did. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development, which connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The essay uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“On the day that Napolean ordered an attempted murder on Boxer, it was said that ‘to the amazement of everybody, three of them (dogs) flung themselves upon Boxer. Boxer saw them coming and put out his great hoof, caught a dog in midair, and pinned him to the ground.’ The dogs, under Napoleon's command, attempted to kill Boxer since he doubted Napoleon on the issue of exiling Snowball. Even if the killing did not succeed, the animals were intimidated. Boxer, on the other hand, was still waiting for his ‘killer's’ order, whether or not to let the ‘tools’ go.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“From the beginning, a time prior to the rebellion, right after Napoleon and Snowball took over, Boxer was described, along with Clover, as ‘These two had great difficulty thinking anything out for themselves, but having once accepted the pigs as their teachers, they absorbed everything that they were told, and passed it on.’ This clearly proves that Boxer believes that since the pigs are smarter, they should always be right. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Initially, the one thing about Boxer that proves him to be virtuous is his gullible mind. Ever since the beginning, Boxer knew that he was not that intelligent, and to make up for his disadvantage, he worked harder and harder until the very end. As early as in chapter 3, Boxer ‘made an arrangement with one of the cockerels to call him in the morning half an hour earlier than anyone else.’ This proves that after he and the animals were liberated from the ‘Jones Era’, Boxer works and works; he was truly happy for everyone and their freedom.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer’s consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices conveys an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ In my understanding, good and evil are very obvious qualities, and yet complex in the novel, Animal Farm by George Orwell. This farm, originally named Manor Farm, was taken over by animals and operated by animals the day after a planned and well-executed rebellion against the evil farmer, Mr. Jones. At first, they were working together toward the common goal of freedom, hating all humans, but later on, one pig named Napoleon took power and ruled the farm in the form of a Republic. Throughout the story, there is one character that I believe was naïve and innocent and qualifies to be ‘virtuous’. That character is Boxer, the cart-horse.”)

The transitions employed between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Continuing on, as naïve as one can be, Boxer's loyalty towards Napoleon went a bit over the edge; he conducted himself as if he was completely ‘brainwashed’. Not long after Snowball was chased away, Boxer developed his second motto, ‘Napoleon is always right!’ He believes that as much as his first motto. For example, his loyalty was proven even when the worst happened. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a lingering sense of what really makes this character tick. (“ His simple-minded, naïve nature developed his loyalty toward others, even though his loyalty was a bit extreme. ‘Napoleon is always right!’ continued to be his motto, even after Napoleon ordered the dogs to kill him. The word 'virtuous' means ‘morally excellent’, and describes Boxer in an indirect way. Boxer is just like a new-born baby; he takes in what is fed to him, and sticks with it unquestioningly, for a long time. He doesn't have a tainted mind, nor does he have a complex one, however, his virtuous nature led him to his unfortunate death. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices, which give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ At first, they were working together toward the common goal of freedom, hating all humans, but later on, one pig named Napoleon took power and ruled the farm in the form of a Republic. Throughout the story, there is one character that I believe was naïve and innocent and qualifies to be ‘virtuous’. That character is Boxer, the cart-horse. Boxer is very hard working, even though he could be a bit slow in mind, but he didn't have second thoughts over any orders and demands passed along to him by Napolean. He was gullible and innocent and died horribly due to over-timed working. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the essay. (“ Continuing on, as naïve as one can be, Boxer's loyalty towards Napoleon went a bit over the edge; he conducted himself as if he was completely ‘brainwashed’. Not long after Snowball was chased away, Boxer developed his second motto, ‘Napoleon is always right!’ He believes that as much as his first motto. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Ultimately, Boxer is believed to be one of the most virtuous animals on the farm because he is hard-working, naïve, and loyal. For hard-working, he is able to get up an hour earlier than the other animals and sleep an hour later, just to work more. He is naïve to an extent to not know the difference between who is nice and who isn't. His simple-minded, naïve nature developed his loyalty toward others, even though his loyalty was a bit extreme. ‘Napoleon is always right!’ continued to be his motto, even after Napoleon ordered the dogs to kill him. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ The dogs, under Napoleon's command, attempted to kill Boxer since he doubted Napoleon on the issue of exiling Snowball. Even if the killing did not succeed, the animals were intimidated. Boxer, on the other hand, was still waiting for his ‘killer's’ order, whether or not to let the ‘tools’ go. If Boxer wouldn't be so simple-minded and loyal, and rebelled against Napoleon, the farm would not have ended up the way it did. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Napoleon best represents negative human behavior. In the book, other animals say and do things that are very negative, but Napoleon definitely takes the cake. Everything about him, from his personality, to his actions, makes me think of the negative attributes that humans possess. He is greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. He's a liar, a manipulator, a coward, and a backstabber. If you do not think that these attributes are negative, then you probably contain some of them yourself.

In Animal Farm, it is very easy to see that Napoleon is very greedy and power-hungry. After the initial rebellion, he decides that he wants everything to be all about him. He wants to run the show and tell everybody what to do. He obviously wants all the power. Napoleon is so power-hungry, that he doesn't even want to share the top with his comrade, Snowball. He is so greedy that he wants the control to be his alone. It is also easy to tell that Napoleon is cruel. Since he wants all the power, and doesn't want to share any of it with Snowball, and he has him run off. The dogs that Napoleon has run Snowball off are very vicious, and could have badly hurt Snowball, even though they thankfully did not. Napoleon is so cruel that he doesn't even care if his fellow pig got hurt, he just wanted him gone. The act of Napoleon even possessing the dogs is cruel in itself, because he originally took them away from their mother, to train them to become his own personal body guards. Napoleon is definitely a liar. He tells all the animals on the farm that he is looking out for their best interest, when really he is only looking out for himself. An example of one of his big lies is when he blames the destruction of the windmill on Snowball. In this same situation, he also lies by saying that the windmill was his idea in the first place, when it clearly wasn't. Because of these lies, among other reasons, you can tell that Napoleon is a big manipulator. He is very sneaky about it. He tells little white lies here and there, and changes things a little here and a little there, so subtly that nobody really notices that it happens. He subtly manipulates the animals when he changes the commandments, when he tells them that they cannot sing Beasts of England anymore, and when he blames things on Snowball, making himself out to be the good guy in the situation. By changing things little by little, he is manipulating these beasts without them even realizing it.

My last two attributes about Napoleon being a coward and a backstabber are, like everything else, easy to explain. Napoleon is an obvious coward because he will not even speak for himself, instead relying on Squealer to speak for him. Also, Napoleon didn't fight in the battle, when his comrade Snowball did. He hides behind his lies because he is afraid to stand without them. The reasons for Napoleon being a backstabber are clear as day, he is a backstabber to all the animals because he uses them and mistreats them for his own personal cause, when he said that he would take care of them. The reasons for him being a backstabber to Snowball are clear, he blames him for the things that are his fault, lies about him, mistreats him (when he has him run off), and more.

The reason I picked Napoleon is apparent. He is a liar, a manipulator, a coward, a backstabber, greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. The negative attributes of the human race are evident in him. Everything that could possibly be bad in a human, you could most likely find in this pig. He embodies negative human behavior in every way. That is why he is the villain in the story, after all.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Adequate focus and meaning are provided in the response. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the character in the story that displays the negative sides of human behavior, while providing adequate details so that the readers can picture this character in their minds. (“In the book, other animals say and do things that are very negative, but Napoleon definitely takes the cake. Everything about him, from his personality, to his actions, makes me think of the negative attributes that humans possess. He is greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. He's a liar, a manipulator, a coward, and a backstabber.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer continually drives home the negative aspects of Napoleon’s personality. (“Napoleon is so power-hungry, that he doesn't even want to share the top with his comrade, Snowball. He is so greedy that he wants the control to be his alone. It is also easy to tell that Napoleon is cruel. Since he wants all the power, and doesn't want to share any of it with Snowball, and he has him run off.”)

The writer provides meaningful examples that support the central thesis of the essay. (“It is also easy to tell that Napoleon is cruel. Since he wants all the power, and doesn't want to share any of it with Snowball, and he has him run off. The dogs that Napoleon has run Snowball off are very vicious, and could have badly hurt Snowball, even though they thankfully did not. Napoleon is so cruel that he doesn't even care if his fellow pig got hurt, he just wanted him gone. The act of Napoleon even possessing the dogs is cruel in itself, because he originally took them away from their mother, to train them to become his own personal body guards.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are adequate in the response. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Napoleon is definitely a liar. He tells all the animals on the farm that he is looking out for their best interest, when really he is only looking out for himself. An example of one of his big lies is when he blames the destruction of the windmill on Snowball. In this same situation, he also lies by saying that the windmill was his idea in the first place, when it clearly wasn't.”)

The essay should include quotations (by or about the main character) from the novel to lend more voice to the character being described in the essay. The writer merely informs the readers of the character’s thoughts and misses the opportunity to employ quotations as an alternative. (“He tells all the animals on the farm that he is looking out for their best interest, when really he is only looking out for himself. An example of one of his big lies is when he blames the destruction of the windmill on Snowball. In this same situation, he also lies by saying that the windmill was his idea in the first place, when it clearly wasn't.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Napoleon is an obvious coward because he will not even speak for himself, instead relying on Squealer to speak for him. Also, Napoleon didn't fight in the battle, when his comrade Snowball did. He hides behind his lies because he is afraid to stand without them.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the response. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. However, there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices evident throughout.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction, but not necessarily in a positive way. The writer should be mindful to address the intended audience in a positive way. (“ Napoleon best represents negative human behavior. In the book, other animals say and do things that are very negative, but Napoleon definitely takes the cake. Everything about him, from his personality, to his actions, makes me think of the negative attributes that humans possess. He is greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. He's a liar, a manipulator, a coward, and a backstabber. If you do not think that these attributes are negative, then you probably contain some of them yourself.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Napoleon is an obvious coward because he will not even speak for himself, instead relying on Squealer to speak for him. Also, Napoleon didn't fight in the battle, when his comrade Snowball did. He hides behind his lies because he is afraid to stand without them.”)

Additionally, the writer should consider breaking the second paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs, addressing the negative qualities of the character in a more organized fashion. (“In Animal Farm, it is very easy to see that Napoleon is very greedy and power-hungry. After the initial rebellion, he decides that he wants everything to be all about him. He wants to run the show and tell everybody what to do. He obviously wants all the power. Napoleon is so power-hungry, that he doesn't even want to share the top with his comrade, Snowball. He is so greedy that he wants the control to be his alone. It is also easy to tell that Napoleon is cruel. Since he wants all the power, and doesn't want to share any of it with Snowball, and he has him run off. The dogs that Napoleon has run Snowball off are very vicious, and could have badly hurt Snowball, even though they thankfully did not. Napoleon is so cruel that he doesn't even care if his fellow pig got hurt, he just wanted him gone. The act of Napoleon even possessing the dogs is cruel in itself, because he originally took them away from their mother, to train them to become his own personal body guards.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. The writer could summarize the negative traits of the selected character and leave the readers with something to think about. In doing so, it would enhance the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ The reason I picked Napoleon is apparent. He is a liar, a manipulator, a coward, a backstabber, greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. The negative attributes of the human race are evident in him. Everything that could possibly be bad in a human, you could most likely find in this pig. He embodies negative human behavior in every way. That is why he is the villain in the story, after all. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the response. The essay provides mostly appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ Napoleon is so power-hungry, that he doesn't even want to share the top with his comrade, Snowball. He is so greedy that he wants the control to be his alone. It is also easy to tell that Napoleon is cruel. Since he wants all the power, and doesn't want to share any of it with Snowball, and he has him run off. The dogs that Napoleon has run Snowball off are very vicious, and could have badly hurt Snowball, even though they thankfully did not.”)

Word choices are generally adequate for the intended audience; however, the writer should be diligent in using language that addresses the intended audience in a positive way and avoid the use of slang. (“ Napoleon best represents negative human behavior. In the book, other animals say and do things that are very negative, but Napoleon definitely takes the cake. Everything about him, from his personality, to his actions, makes me think of the negative attributes that humans possess. He is greedy, power-hungry, and cruel. He's a liar, a manipulator, a coward, and a backstabber. If you do not think that these attributes are negative, then you probably contain some of them yourself. ”)

The writer’s style and voice are evident in the essay. The writer clearly conveys his/her disdain for the selected character and his negative human qualities. (“My last two attributes about Napoleon being a coward and a backstabber are, like everything else, easy to explain. Napoleon is an obvious coward because he will not even speak for himself, instead relying on Squealer to speak for him. Also, Napoleon didn't fight in the battle, when his comrade Snowball did. He hides behind his lies because he is afraid to stand without them. The reasons for Napoleon being a backstabber are clear as day, he is a backstabber to all the animals because he uses them and mistreats them for his own personal cause, when he said that he would take care of them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ He subtly manipulates the animals when he changes the commandments, when he tells them that they cannot sing Beasts of England anymore, and when he blames things on Snowball, making himself out to be the good guy in the situation. By changing things little by little, he is manipulating these beasts without them even realizing it.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

After reading the book "Animal Farm" i would have to say Napolean the pig who represents Stalin symbolized negative human behavior. In the beginning he started off good. But I think the power got to his head a little throughout the story. I've picked a couple things he did to show the negative behavior.

One thing is in the beginning of the story he took power and made the seven commandments which was fine. But then he started changing the commandments words so he could pretty much do whatever he wanted to. Or at least what the humans did. So every time the animals noticed he was breaking a commandment he quickly changed the words around on them so he would be fine. Like when they noticed he slept in a bed, he changed it to say " no animal will sleep in a bed with sheets" so then they couldn't do anything. Another thing was he brought the dogs into the picture to scare everyone. He just used them to keep the animals from anything negative about him or doing anything against him. If anyone got near him theyd growl and the people would say "four legs good, two legs bad" just so they wouldn't think they were going to address him about anything. then he used them to slaughter a bunch of the animals just because they talked to Snowball on page (92 - 93 George Owell.)

Throughout the story it seemed Napolean was becoming somewhat of a Hitler. I kept being reminded and thinking of the holocaust. He showed a lot of negative actions and I feel he couldve at least gone about everything a better way instead of becoming the dictat he eventually was. It wasnt the dream Old Major had seen.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“After reading the book "Animal Farm" i would have to say Napolean the pig who represents Stalin symbolized negative human behavior.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the negative characteristics of Napoleon, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of sufficient details renders the essay limited at best. (“One thing is in the beginning of the story he took power and made the seven commandments which was fine. But then he started changing the commandments words so he could pretty much do whatever he wanted to. Or at least what the humans did. So every time the animals noticed he was breaking a commandment he quickly changed the words around on them so he would be fine.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Another thing was he brought the dogs into the picture to scare everyone. He just used them to keep the animals from anything negative about him or doing anything against him. If anyone got near him theyd growl and the people would say ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ just so they wouldn't think they were going to address him about anything.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence, literary elements, or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Throughout the story it seemed Napolean was becoming somewhat of a Hitler. I kept being reminded and thinking of the holocaust. He showed a lot of negative actions and I feel he couldve at least gone about everything a better way instead of becoming the dictat he eventually was.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“So every time the animals noticed he was breaking a commandment he quickly changed the words around on them so he would be fine. Like when they noticed he slept in a bed, he changed it to say ‘ no animal will sleep in a bed with sheets’ so then they couldn't do anything.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Another thing was he brought the dogs into the picture to scare everyone. He just used them to keep the animals from anything negative about him or doing anything against him. If anyone got near him theyd growl and the people would say "four legs good, two legs bad" just so they wouldn't think they were going to address him about anything.”)

Organization

The essay’s introduction does not attempt to grab the readers’ attention in a creative way. The writer’s approach is straightforward, and he/she immediately states a very limited controlling idea. (“ After reading the book ‘Animal Farm’ i would have to say Napolean the pig who represents Stalin symbolized negative human behavior. In the beginning he started off good. But I think the power got to his head a little throughout the story. I've picked a couple things he did to show the negative behavior. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Another thing was he brought the dogs into the picture to scare everyone. He just used them to keep the animals from anything negative about him or doing anything against him. If anyone got near him theyd growl and the people would say "four legs good, two legs bad" just so they wouldn't think they were going to address him about anything. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The writer employs a weak conclusion that does not summarize or give the readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close. (“ Throughout the story it seemed Napolean was becoming somewhat of a Hitler. I kept being reminded and thinking of the holocaust. He showed a lot of negative actions and I feel he couldve at least gone about everything a better way instead of becoming the dictat he eventually was. It wasnt the dream Old Major had seen. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style is limited. (“ But I think the power got to his head a little throughout the story. I've picked a couple things he did to show the negative behavior. ”)

Although the writer manages to give the response an informative tone, he/she does not maintain enough focus on relevant qualities of the character for readers to create a mental picture of the shortcomings of the character’s personality. (“ If anyone got near him theyd growl and the people would say ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ just so they wouldn't think they were going to address him about anything. then he used them to slaughter a bunch of the animals just because they talked to Snowball on page (92 - 93 George Owell.) ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the response, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ After reading the book ‘Animal Farm’ i would have to say Napolean the pig who represents Stalin symbolized negative human behavior. In the beginning he started off good. But I think the power got to his head a little throughout the story. I've picked a couple things he did to show the negative behavior.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ Throughout the story it seemed Napolean was becoming somewhat of a Hitler. I kept being reminded and thinking of the holocaust. He showed a lot of negative actions and I feel he couldve at least gone about everything a better way instead of becoming the dictat he eventually was. It wasnt the dream Old Major had seen. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Snowball wanted what was best for everybody. He helped lead the rebellion. He thought everyone should be educated and he wanted to build a windmill so the animals would work less.

Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion so they would know what to do. Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy. During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance. He was at the front of the group and was the first to attack. Thanks to him and the rest of the animals they chased Mr. Jones out of the farm.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the selected character and some of his positive qualities; but with weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“Snowball wanted what was best for everybody. He helped lead the rebellion. He thought everyone should be educated and he wanted to build a windmill so the animals would work less.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The writer does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to fully understand the writer’s ideas about Snowball’s positive human qualities. (“Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion so they would know what to do. Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy.”)

The writer attempts to provide some relevant examples to support and explain the minimally stated central idea, but does not maintain focus long enough to make the response effective and meaningful. (“ He was at the front of the group and was the first to attack. Thanks to him and the rest of the animals they chased Mr. Jones out of the farm.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address some of the positive things Snowball did for the characters in the story, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenarios and their implications. (“During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance. He was at the front of the group and was the first to attack. Thanks to him and the rest of the animals they chased Mr. Jones out of the farm.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion so they would know what to do. Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion so they would know what to do. Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy. During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance. He was at the front of the group and was the first to attack. Thanks to him and the rest of the animals they chased Mr. Jones out of the farm.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“ Snowball wanted what was best for everybody. He helped lead the rebellion. He thought everyone should be educated and he wanted to build a windmill so the animals would work less. ”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that could elaborate on the many qualities of the selected character, Snowball, which the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions were not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion so they would know what to do. Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy. During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ Thanks to him and the rest of the animals they chased Mr. Jones out of the farm. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay response. The writer demonstrates simple language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of some sentences are too short. (“ Snowball wanted what was best for everybody. He helped lead the rebellion. ”)

The writer’s language choices are elementary and repetitive. (“ He helped lead the rebellion…Snowball helped everybody by leading the rebellion… Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy. During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance.”)

The writer does not assert a strong voice or style in the response. (“ Snowball wanted what was best for everybody. He helped lead the rebellion. He thought everyone should be educated and he wanted to build a windmill so the animals would work less.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

It is difficult to assess the writer’s control of mechanics and conventions since the response is so short. The writer should check all grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling to ensure the success of the communicated message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. In the following excerpt, for example, commas are missing that would make the thought easier to read and understand: “ Right before the rebellion snowball read all these books about war and how to be a good leader that he got from the enemy. During the rebellion snowball wasn't hiding or watching from a distance. ”

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time. He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true. Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The essay fails to support the writer’s central theme with effective analysis from the text. Although there are attempts to make connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea, the response is too brief and disorganized to convey an effective message to the intended audience.

The essay states a central/controlling idea inadequately. It is difficult to determine the negative human qualities the writer is attempting to convey from the text. The writer’s response is unfocused and unorganized. (“A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay response leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true. Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about.”)

Content & Development

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the negative qualities of Napoleon, but does not provide enough supporting details to assist the readers in creating a mental picture of the selected character. (“Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time. He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time. He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true. Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate as well. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include sufficient background information to assist the readers in understanding the scenario or the characters involved. (“ A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true.”)

Many of the expressed thoughts are repetitive in nature. (“ He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true. Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about. ”)

The writer’s word choices do not effectively communicate the purpose of the response to the intended audience. (“ A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time. He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“A animal on the farm that show bad human behavior was the worst of all which is Napoleon. Napoleon didnt do anything right for the animals not even his on kind most of the time. He lie to the animals most of the time to gain power, and he lie on Snowball to make it seem like everything he did was his fault. Lien to the animals made he seem like he was not doing anything wrong and everything he said was true. Some of the animals knew he was lien but was afraid to say nething about.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Symbolism in S peak

Speak , by Laurie Halse Anderson, tells the story of Melinda Sordino and the personal challenges she faces after a traumatic incident during the summer before her freshman year of high school. Melinda's mouth, the janitor's closet, and trees are all symbols used throughout the text that exemplify Melinda's current state of mind.

In a detailed essay, explain how one of these symbols portrays Melinda's growth. Include details and examples to support your explanation.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

People are trees. They sprout, wither, rot, grow, and flourish. Speak, by Laurie Halse Anderson, represents this in every way, portraying the mental development of a high school-age rape victim. The main character, Melinda, goes through a mental journey. Her psyche shrivels under the burden of concealed emotions, toughens as she learns to rise up, and blossoms when she releases her secret- like a tree, she grows, surviving the coldest winters.

Melinda is bitter when assigned a tree as a subject for an art project, thinking at first that it is too easy. "I take out a page of notebook paper and a pen and doodle a tree, my second grade version. Hopeless." (Halse Anderson, pg. 32) The tree represents her self-esteem. Melinda has a melancholy view of the world and herself, little courage, and a conscious that seems to kill the small amount of confidence she has. Regardless of her lack of appreciation for trees, art is still Melinda's favorite subject. She sits in the art room experimenting with different ways to portray a tree. "For a solid week, ever since the pep rally I've been painting watercolors of trees that have been hit by lightning." (Halse Anderson, pg. 30) Art is a common hobby for those with bottled up emotion; Melinda being no exception; the trees represent herself, her emotion. She speaks not through words, but through a paintbrush.

Melinda becomes irascible, feeling she has already ruined her life. She switches from painting watercolors to attempting to carve a tree out of a linoleum block in art. "The problem with the linoleum block is that there is no way to correct mistakes. Every mistake I make is frozen in the picture." (Halse Anderson, pg. 54) Symbolically, the linoleum block is her life. She dwells on her mistakes instead of confronting them and creating something new and positive from them. When studying an apple in science class, Melinda reminisces on her past: "One day when I was little, my parents took me to an orchard. Daddy set me high in an apple tree. It was like falling up into a storybook, yummy and red and leaf and the branch not shaking a bit." (Halse Anderson, Pg. 66) She is contrasting this to the life she now leads as a socially dysfunctional, depressed girl in a family with poor communication skills. At this point in the book, her confidence is at an all-time low.

Melinda becomes frustrated with the way she mutilates block after block of linoleum during art class. "My tree is frozen. A kindergartener could carve a better tree." (Halse Anderson, pg. 103) This shows that Melinda is tired of dwelling on the rape incident, and is only plummeting deeper into depression. This is a key moment, because she comes to the realization that she cannot deny her problem. Mr. Freeman gives the discouraged Melinda a book of Picasso's cubism artwork, which inspires Melinda to try her hand at cubism. "I sketch a cubist tree with hundreds of skinny rectangles of branches. They look like lockers, boxes, glass shards, lips with triangle brown leaves." (Halse Anderson, pg. 119) Melinda lets her mind wander as she completes the drawing, having much more luck with cubism than linoleum blocks. Mr. Freeman praises her as she gives him the sketch. Melinda prefers the freedom of cubism to the linoleum carving, a process that requires more caution and patience. This symbolizes Melinda moving on by trying something new. At this point, Melinda begins to grow mentally, the book's theme becoming more optimistic. However, Melinda is stomped upon once more before flourishing.

Melinda confesses to Rachel about the rape incident, but she storms off angrily that Melinda has accused her boyfriend of raping her. Rachel however, splits apart from Andy when she tells him about this. Andy is angry, claiming that the incident was purely lascivious, and certainly not rape. Melinda wakes one morning to the sound of a chain saw. "He is killing the tree. He'll only leave a stump. The tree is dying. There's nothing to do or say." The tree is Melinda, and she is confronting her fears, the chainsaw, by talking about the incident, and later, when Andy is exposed as a rapist. When the school finds out about Melinda's rape, she becomes stronger, and more willing to talk about it. At the end of the year, Melinda finally completes her tree drawing, stating, "It isn't perfect and that makes it just right." (Halse Anderson, pg.198) She's talking about herself, finally coming to the realization that she cannot accomplish perfection, but neither can anyone else.

Melinda, through all of her struggles, grows in the end. Though her mental scars heal, they will always remain there. Rape is too common, and unreported rape is even more common. Melinda's message speaks to everyone through her mental battle with herself and her emotional difficulties, and reminds us that we all can, though sometimes not alone, flourish.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer effectively describes some of the more poignant moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“Melinda becomes frustrated with the way she mutilates block after block of linoleum during art class. ‘My tree is frozen. A kindergartener could carve a better tree.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 103) This shows that Melinda is tired of dwelling on the rape incident, and is only plummeting deeper into depression. This is a key moment, because she comes to the realization that she cannot deny her problem. Mr. Freeman gives the discouraged Melinda a book of Picasso's cubism artwork, which inspires Melinda to try her hand at cubism. ‘I sketch a cubist tree with hundreds of skinny rectangles of branches. They look like lockers, boxes, glass shards, lips with triangle brown leaves.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 119) Melinda lets her mind wander as she completes the drawing, having much more luck with cubism than linoleum blocks.”)

The writer’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“The tree represents her self-esteem. Melinda has a melancholy view of the world and herself, little courage, and a conscious that seems to kill the small amount of confidence she has. Regardless of her lack of appreciation for trees, art is still Melinda's favorite subject. She sits in the art room experimenting with different ways to portray a tree. ‘For a solid week, ever since the pep rally I've been painting watercolors of trees that have been hit by lightning.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 30) Art is a common hobby for those with bottled up emotion; Melinda being no exception; the trees represent herself, her emotion. She speaks not through words, but through a paintbrush.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Melinda becomes irascible, feeling she has already ruined her life. She switches from painting watercolors to attempting to carve a tree out of a linoleum block in art. ‘The problem with the linoleum block is that there is no way to correct mistakes. Every mistake I make is frozen in the picture.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 54) Symbolically, the linoleum block is her life. She dwells on her mistakes instead of confronting them and creating something new and positive from them.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Melinda becomes irascible, feeling she has already ruined her life. She switches from painting watercolors to attempting to carve a tree out of a linoleum block in art. ‘The problem with the linoleum block is that there is no way to correct mistakes. Every mistake I make is frozen in the picture.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 54) Symbolically, the linoleum block is her life. She dwells on her mistakes instead of confronting them and creating something new and positive from them.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information that connects the essay question to the text. (“Melinda becomes frustrated with the way she mutilates block after block of linoleum during art class. ‘My tree is frozen. A kindergartener could carve a better tree.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 103) This shows that Melinda is tired of dwelling on the rape incident, and is only plummeting deeper into depression. This is a key moment, because she comes to the realization that she cannot deny her problem.”)

The writer illustrates Melinda’s phases of growth using clear references from the story. (“Melinda wakes one morning to the sound of a chain saw. ‘He is killing the tree. He'll only leave a stump. The tree is dying. There's nothing to do or say.’ The tree is Melinda, and she is confronting her fears, the chainsaw, by talking about the incident, and later, when Andy is exposed as a rapist. When the school finds out about Melinda's rape, she becomes stronger, and more willing to talk about it. At the end of the year, Melinda finally completes her tree drawing, stating, ‘It isn't perfect and that makes it just right.’ (Halse Anderson, pg.198) She's talking about herself, finally coming to the realization that she cannot accomplish perfection, but neither can anyone else.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion is demonstrated, as well as an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively captures readers’ attention by describing the ways people can be similar to trees. (“ People are trees. They sprout, wither, rot, grow, and flourish. Speak, by Laurie Halse Anderson, represents this in every way, portraying the mental development of a high school-age rape victim. The main character, Melinda, goes through a mental journey. Her psyche shrivels under the burden of concealed emotions, toughens as she learns to rise up, and blossoms when she releases her secret- like a tree, she grows, surviving the coldest winters.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Melinda is bitter when assigned a tree as a subject for an art project, thinking at first that it is too easy. ‘I take out a page of notebook paper and a pen and doodle a tree, my second grade version. Hopeless.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 32) The tree represents her self-esteem. Melinda has a melancholy view of the world and herself, little courage, and a conscious that seems to kill the small amount of confidence she has. Regardless of her lack of appreciation for trees, art is still Melinda's favorite subject.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Melinda, through all of her struggles, grows in the end. Though her mental scars heal, they will always remain there. Rape is too common, and unreported rape is even more common. Melinda's message speaks to everyone through her mental battle with herself and her emotional difficulties, and reminds us that we all can, though sometimes not alone, flourish.”)

Language Use & Style

Language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events as Melinda tries to move on from the traumatic events of the summer. (“ Melinda becomes irascible, feeling she has already ruined her life. She switches from painting watercolors to attempting to carve a tree out of a linoleum block in art. "The problem with the linoleum block is that there is no way to correct mistakes. Every mistake I make is frozen in the picture." (Halse Anderson, pg. 54) Symbolically, the linoleum block is her life. She dwells on her mistakes instead of confronting them and creating something new and positive from them. When studying an apple in science class, Melinda reminisces on her past: "One day when I was little, my parents took me to an orchard. Daddy set me high in an apple tree. It was like falling up into a storybook, yummy and red and leaf and the branch not shaking a bit." (Halse Anderson, Pg. 66) She is contrasting this to the life she now leads as a socially dysfunctional, depressed girl in a family with poor communication skills. At this point in the book, her confidence is at an all-time low.”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of Melinda’s emotional pain throughout the story so that by the end of the response, readers understand how the trees symbolize Melinda’s growth. (“ Melinda becomes frustrated with the way she mutilates block after block of linoleum during art class. ‘My tree is frozen. A kindergartener could carve a better tree.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 103) This shows that Melinda is tired of dwelling on the rape incident, and is only plummeting deeper into depression. This is a key moment, because she comes to the realization that she cannot deny her problem. Mr. Freeman gives the discouraged Melinda a book of Picasso's cubism artwork, which inspires Melinda to try her hand at cubism. ‘I sketch a cubist tree with hundreds of skinny rectangles of branches. They look like lockers, boxes, glass shards, lips with triangle brown leaves.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 119) Melinda lets her mind wander as she completes the drawing, having much more luck with cubism than linoleum blocks. Mr. Freeman praises her as she gives him the sketch. Melinda prefers the freedom of cubism to the linoleum carving, a process that requires more caution and patience. This symbolizes Melinda moving on by trying something new.”)

Use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“Melinda confesses to Rachel about the rape incident, but she storms off angrily that Melinda has accused her boyfriend of raping her. Rachel however, splits apart from Andy when she tells him about this. Andy is angry, claiming that the incident was purely lascivious, and certainly not rape. Melinda wakes one morning to the sound of a chain saw. ‘He is killing the tree. He'll only leave a stump. The tree is dying. There's nothing to do or say.’ The tree is Melinda, and she is confronting her fears, the chainsaw, by talking about the incident, and later, when Andy is exposed as a rapist. When the school finds out about Melinda's rape, she becomes stronger, and more willing to talk about it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Melinda becomes frustrated with the way she mutilates block after block of linoleum during art class. ‘My tree is frozen. A kindergartener could carve a better tree.’ (Halse Anderson, pg. 103) This shows that Melinda is tired of dwelling on the rape incident, and is only plummeting deeper into depression. This is a key moment, because she comes to the realization that she cannot deny her problem. Mr. Freeman gives the discouraged Melinda a book of Picasso's cubism artwork, which inspires Melinda to try her hand at cubism.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

There is nobody in this world who is fearless. When people are afraid, they show some kind of reaction or response. Many people show their feelings by many different ways such as clenching the fists, biting their lips, or not making eye contact with another person. These are all some of the ways people use to hide and try to overcome their fears. But, not everyone is willing to show their feelings. Melinda, the main character from Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, feels she can tell no one of a traumatic incident she faces during the summer. Symbolism is used to express Melinda's feelings and changes throughout the school year. Her trees she drew during Mr. Freeman’s art class symbolized her gaining of courage and portrayed her growth during the school.

Before the school year's first nine weeks, Melinda already knew that she was going to face many challenges along with her friends. When she first entered Mr. Freeman’s art class, she picked out her "destiny" to create an art masterpiece of a tree. Melinda feels she can't express her emotions to her friends or even her parents. Melinda's first painting of trees showed how she felt at the beginning of school. "For a solid week, ever since the pep rally, I've been painting watercolors of trees that have been hit by lightning"(30). This statement shows Melinda feels like she is being hit by lightning. When she felt that she was not part of this school and felt invisible, she also stated that, "One picture is so dark you can barely see the tree at all"(31). This quote shows she is very depressed. The importance of these two detailed statements of her trees is that they symbolize the beginning of her high school life. This is how she felt at that time and as the time gradually passed by, her feelings begin to show more clearly through her drawing of her trees.

In her second and third nine weeks of school, she begins to express her feeling more clearly than the first trees she drew. Unlike the first nine weeks of school, she begins to open up her heart a little bit further and further. But as she starts to open her feelings to her friends, she is still unsure about her own feelings and if she is making the right choice. "I crumple the paper and lay out the bones on the table"(62). This statement of her drawings shows that Melinda doesn't have good self-esteem. She feels that she is not good enough to make her project "fly", unlike Mr. Freeman, who said she could make it happen. Not giving up, Melinda tries her best and finds the solution to her problem. "Dicing bodies and tables and guitars as if they were celery sticks, and rearranging them so that you have to really see them to see them. Amazing"(119). This quote shows her feelings of fascination toward her drawing for the first time in art class. This feeling of Melinda’s proves that she is improving throughout the school year and belief in herself.

When Melinda and her dad decided to rake their yard, Melinda became determined to clean up the piles of neglected leaves out of the bushes. As she was raking the leaves, the wind blows and "the leaves tremble"(167). Melinda is similar to these trees and leaves because she feels afraid and dead inside, struggling to stay safe just like the leaves trying not to blow away by the wind. When Melinda's dad saw that the "branches on the left don't have any buds"(167), he tells Melinda how the entire tree will die due to just one part of the decaying branch. This is also just like Melinda's life after the incident at the party because that incident is trying to cross over her phase and affect her life. But she overcomes her barrier and controls her feelings, and was able to let the truth out to her friends. At last in the fourth nine weeks of school, she overcame her fears and she moved on in life. Melinda described her tree project when she said, "like Picasso, I've gone through different phases."(151), as her tree came back to life. She explains herself by saying, "The Spaz Period, when I couldn't draw a tree to save my life. The Dead Period, when all my trees looked like they had been through a forest fire or a blight. I'm getting better"(152). She believed in herself now, something that she was not able to do before. Her recovery and her courage to fight for what happened and believing led her to find herself. In the end, her effort led her to get an A plus in the art class project.

Melinda first started as an outcast and only depending on herself. As she went through the stages of drawing a tree in art class, she gradually started to open up her heart toward her friends, teacher, and her parents. As Melinda opened up her heart, so did others and started to help her to understand more better of herself. As she started to get to know herself better, her courage and beliefs grew larger and larger until her pains dissolved into dust. The drawings of her trees, her symbol, brightened her life and the trees came back to life. As symbols brightened, so did the Melinda's growth and her life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay establishes good focus and meaning. The writer provides a good analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on Melinda’s feelings in each quarter of the school year, emphasizing the changes in her trees as a symbol for her personal growth, moving on from a traumatic event. The writer is effective in this approach and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ In her second and third nine weeks of school, she begins to express her feeling more clearly than the first trees she drew. Unlike the first nine weeks of school, she begins to open up her heart a little bit further and further. But as she starts to open her feelings to her friends, she is still unsure about her own feelings and if she is making the right choice. ‘I crumple the paper and lay out the bones on the table’ (62). This statement of her drawings shows that Melinda doesn't have good self-esteem. She feels that she is not good enough to make her project ‘fly’, unlike Mr. Freeman, who said she could make it happen. Not giving up, Melinda tries her best and finds the solution to her problem.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Before the school year's first nine weeks, Melinda already knew that she was going to face many challenges along with her friends. When she first entered Mr. Freeman’s art class, she picked out her ‘destiny’ to create an art masterpiece of a tree. Melinda feels she can't express her emotions to her friends or even her parents. Melinda's first painting of trees showed how she felt at the beginning of school. ’For a solid week, ever since the pep rally, I've been painting watercolors of trees that have been hit by lightning’ (30). This statement shows Melinda feels like she is being hit by lightning. When she felt that she was not part of this school and felt invisible, she also stated that, ‘One picture is so dark you can barely see the tree at all’ (31). This quote shows she is very depressed. The importance of these two detailed statements of her trees is that they symbolize the beginning of her high school life. This is how she felt at that time and as the time gradually passed by, her feelings begin to show more clearly through her drawing of her trees. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the subtle changes in Melinda’s trees that reflect her growth after a traumatic event. (“ Not giving up, Melinda tries her best and finds the solution to her problem. ‘Dicing bodies and tables and guitars as if they were celery sticks, and rearranging them so that you have to really see them to see them. Amazing’ (119). This quote shows her feelings of fascination toward her drawing for the first time in art class. This feeling of Melinda’s proves that she is improving throughout the school year and belief in herself. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development and connects the writer’s ideas to the text. He/she develops the ideas well, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support the stated thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In her second and third nine weeks of school, she begins to express her feeling more clearly than the first trees she drew. Unlike the first nine weeks of school, she begins to open up her heart a little bit further and further. But as she starts to open her feelings to her friends, she is still unsure about her own feelings and if she is making the right choice. ‘I crumple the paper and lay out the bones on the table’ (62). This statement of her drawings shows that Melinda doesn't have good self-esteem. She feels that she is not good enough to make her project ‘fly’, unlike Mr. Freeman, who said she could make it happen.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“At last in the fourth nine weeks of school, she overcame her fears and she moved on in life. Melinda described her tree project when she said, ‘like Picasso, I've gone through different phases.’ (151), as her tree came back to life. She explains herself by saying, ‘The Spaz Period, when I couldn't draw a tree to save my life. The Dead Period, when all my trees looked like they had been through a forest fire or a blight. I'm getting better’ (152). She believed in herself now, something that she was not able to do before. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“When Melinda and her dad decided to rake their yard, Melinda became determined to clean up the piles of neglected leaves out of the bushes. As she was raking the leaves, the wind blows and ‘the leaves tremble’ (167). Melinda is similar to these trees and leaves because she feels afraid and dead inside, struggling to stay safe just like the leaves trying not to blow away by the wind.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. He/she presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ There is nobody in this world who is fearless. When people are afraid, they show some kind of reaction or response. Many people show their feelings by many different ways such as clenching the fists, biting their lips, or not making eye contact with another person. These are all some of the ways people use to hide and try to overcome their fears. But, not everyone is willing to show their feelings. Melinda, the main character from Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, feels she can tell no one of a traumatic incident she faces during the summer. Symbolism is used to express Melinda's feelings and changes throughout the school year. Her trees she drew during Mr. Freeman’s art class symbolized her gaining of courage and portrayed her growth during the school. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or sentences are used well. (“ When Melinda and her dad decided to rake their yard, Melinda became determined to clean up the piles of neglected leaves out of the bushes. As she was raking the leaves, the wind blows and ‘the leaves tremble’ (167). Melinda is similar to these trees and leaves because she feels afraid and dead inside, struggling to stay safe just like the leaves trying not to blow away by the wind. When Melinda's dad saw that the ‘branches on the left don't have any buds’(167), he tells Melinda how the entire tree will die due to just one part of the decaying branch. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Melinda first started as an outcast and only depending on herself. As she went through the stages of drawing a tree in art class, she gradually started to open up her heart toward her friends, teacher, and her parents. As Melinda opened up her heart, so did others and started to help her to understand more better of herself. As she started to get to know herself better, her courage and beliefs grew larger and larger until her pains dissolved into dust. The drawings of her trees, her symbol, brightened her life and the trees came back to life. As symbols brightened, so did the Melinda's growth and her life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Before the school year's first nine weeks, Melinda already knew that she was going to face many challenges along with her friends. When she first entered Mr. Freeman’s art class, she picked out her ‘destiny’ to create an art masterpiece of a tree. Melinda feels she can't express her emotions to her friends or even her parents. Melinda's first painting of trees showed how she felt at the beginning of school. ”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ She believed in herself now, something that she was not able to do before. Her recovery and her courage to fight for what happened and believing led her to find herself. In the end, her effort led her to get an A plus in the art class project. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Not giving up, Melinda tries her best and finds the solution to her problem. ‘Dicing bodies and tables and guitars as if they were celery sticks, and rearranging them so that you have to really see them to see them. Amazing’(119). This quote shows her feelings of fascination toward her drawing for the first time in art class. This feeling of Melinda’s proves that she is improving throughout the school year and belief in herself. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“ Unlike the first nine weeks of school, she begins to open up her heart a little bit further and further. But as she starts to open her feelings to her friends, she is still unsure about her own feelings and if she is making the right choice. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Teenagers tend to take dangerous or wrong directions, but they also tend to get back on track soon with the help of others, but Melinda was not very successful on getting back on track soon. You can find hints about their personality by their actions. Melinda is a teenager who just can't seem to have the aptitude of speaking about her problems to other people. Melinda continues to fail her classes and fails to solve problems that were thrown at her during her teenage life, but she grows in ways one can only read to believe. Clues can be found on how Melinda reacted to her problems by how she cared for the janitor's abandoned closet.

Melinda starts school as a disgraced, abased and a humiliated teen with being slapped with smash-potato at lunch. Melinda finds a janitor's closet at school. Every single object in the closet is filthy with fragile arm-chair, sink, text books, and it looked like there was a tsunami of dust in the closet. If you compare the closet to Melinda, they are about in the same shape, filthy and abandoned. She thinks, “great, a perfect place for me.” (pg.26).

Melinda has been ordered from her parents to stay after school to get extra help from teachers. Instead, she gets worse grades and she spends more time in the janitor's closet with a Maya Angelou poster put up and a mirror (pg.50) This shows that she cares more about being herself than her education, family, and friends. She doesn't seem to get any better, and she continues to fail her classes. Melinda continues to fail her teenage life by spending more and more time in the janitor's closet.

The janitor's closet is now even more decorated with a turkey sculpture, and other art work. Melinda even ended up sleeping in the closet. Melinda is making the janitor's closet like her home now. She obviously has no idea what she is doing, and she continues to struggle, but the good thing is that she finally found a helper, Mr. Freeman. He is the only person in the novel to understand her. "Melinda, you're a good kid. I think you have a lot to say. I'd like to hear it" (pg.123) Even though Melinda kept on struggling, she still found a helper who can stop her from making more mistakes, and having a person who is willing to help is what Melinda needed.

Finally, there was some progress on how she acted and her grades. She was finally able to have a conversation with her former friend, Rachel. They talked about what happened during the party, which made Melinda depressed. After the conversation and the truth, Andy Evans came into the janitor's closet and almost raped Melinda because he disagreed with what Melinda said about raping Melinda, but Melinda was able to protect herself, and ended up getting better grades with an A+ in art class (pg.198).

Teens should not have problems like Melinda faced. Her case was the worst it could possibly be. I was able to find clues on how Melinda reacted to her problems by how she cared for the janitor's abandoned closet. Teens will face problems, but they will have to get back on track as soon as possible, or they will suffer, like Melinda did.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects the symbolism of the janitor’s closet and provides adequate details so readers can imagine the comfort Melinda takes in this place, as she tries to move on from a traumatic event. (“The janitor's closet is now even more decorated with a turkey sculpture, and other art work. Melinda even ended up sleeping in the closet. Melinda is making the janitor's closet like her home now. She obviously has no idea what she is doing, and she continues to struggle, but the good thing is that she finally found a helper, Mr. Freeman. He is the only person in the novel to understand her. ‘Melinda, you're a good kid. I think you have a lot to say. I'd like to hear it’ (pg.123) Even though Melinda kept on struggling, she still found a helper who can stop her from making more mistakes, and having a person who is willing to help is what Melinda needed.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer explores the main character’s growth as she emerges from the janitor’s closet, a place of mental and physical refuge, to reach out to others once again. (“Finally, there was some progress on how she acted and her grades. She was finally able to have a conversation with her former friend, Rachel. They talked about what happened during the party, which made Melinda depressed. After the conversation and the truth, Andy Evans came into the janitor's closet and almost raped Melinda because he disagreed with what Melinda said about raping Melinda, but Melinda was able to protect herself, and ended up getting better grades with an A+ in art class (pg.198).”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer chooses some descriptive details to allow readers to picture characters and settings in their minds. (“Melinda starts school as a disgraced, abased and a humiliated teen with being slapped with smash-potato at lunch. Melinda finds a janitor's closet at school. Every single object in the closet is filthy with fragile arm-chair, sink, text books, and it looked like there was a tsunami of dust in the closet. If you compare the closet to Melinda, they are about in the same shape, filthy and abandoned. She thinks, ‘great, a perfect place for me.’ (pg.26).”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“The janitor's closet is now even more decorated with a turkey sculpture, and other art work. Melinda even ended up sleeping in the closet. Melinda is making the janitor's closet like her home now. She obviously has no idea what she is doing, and she continues to struggle, but the good thing is that she finally found a helper, Mr. Freeman. He is the only person in the novel to understand her. ‘Melinda, you're a good kid. I think you have a lot to say. I'd like to hear it’ (pg.123) Even though Melinda kept on struggling, she still found a helper who can stop her from making more mistakes, and having a person who is willing to help is what Melinda needed.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Melinda starts school as a disgraced, abased and a humiliated teen with being slapped with smash-potato at lunch. Melinda finds a janitor's closet at school. Every single object in the closet is filthy with fragile arm-chair, sink, text books, and it looked like there was a tsunami of dust in the closet. If you compare the closet to Melinda, they are about in the same shape, filthy and abandoned. She thinks, ‘great, a perfect place for me.’ (pg.26).”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Finally, there was some progress on how she acted and her grades. She was finally able to have a conversation with her former friend, Rachel. They talked about what happened during the party, which made Melinda depressed. After the conversation and the truth, Andy Evans came into the janitor's closet and almost raped Melinda because he disagreed with what Melinda said about raping Melinda, but Melinda was able to protect herself, and ended up getting better grades with an A+ in art class (pg.198).”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is adequate use of paragraphing and transitional devices throughout.

The essay adequately grabs readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Teenagers tend to take dangerous or wrong directions, but they also tend to get back on track soon with the help of others, but Melinda was not very successful on getting back on track soon. You can find hints about their personality by their actions. Melinda is a teenager who just can't seem to have the aptitude of speaking about her problems to other people. Melinda continues to fail her classes and fails to solve problems that were thrown at her during her teenage life, but she grows in ways one can only read to believe. Clues can be found on how Melinda reacted to her problems by how she cared for the janitor's abandoned closet.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MYAccess! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ The janitor's closet is now even more decorated with a turkey sculpture, and other art work. Melinda even ended up sleeping in the closet. Melinda is making the janitor's closet like her home now. She obviously has no idea what she is doing, and she continues to struggle, but the good thing is that she finally found a helper, Mr. Freeman. He is the only person in the novel to understand her. "Melinda, you're a good kid. I think you have a lot to say. I'd like to hear it" (pg.123) Even though Melinda kept on struggling, she still found a helper who can stop her from making more mistakes, and having a person who is willing to help is what Melinda needed.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ Teens should not have problems like Melinda faced. Her case was the worst it could possibly be. I was able to find clues on how Melinda reacted to her problems by how she cared for the janitor's abandoned closet. Teens will face problems, but they will have to get back on track as soon as possible, or they will suffer, like Melinda did. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language, voice, and style is adequate in the essay. It provides appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ Finally, there was some progress on how she acted and her grades. She was finally able to have a conversation with her former friend, Rachel. They talked about what happened during the party, which made Melinda depressed. After the conversation and the truth, Andy Evans came into the janitor's closet and almost raped Melinda because he disagreed with what Melinda said about raping Melinda, but Melinda was able to protect herself, and ended up getting better grades with an A+ in art class.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she evaluates the symbolism of the janitor’s closet and how it relates to the main character’s pain and eventual growth. (“ Melinda has been ordered from her parents to stay after school to get extra help from teachers. Instead, she gets worse grades and she spends more time in the janitor's closet with a Maya Angelou poster put up and a mirror (pg.50) This shows that she cares more about being herself than her education, family, and friends. She doesn't seem to get any better, and she continues to fail her classes. Melinda continues to fail her teenage life by spending more and more time in the janitor's closet. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Melinda starts school as a disgraced, abased and a humiliated teen with being slapped with smash-potato at lunch. Melinda finds a janitor's closet at school. Every single object in the closet is filthy with fragile arm-chair, sink, text books, and it looked like there was a tsunami of dust in the closet. If you compare the closet to Melinda, they are about in the same shape, filthy and abandoned. She thinks, ‘great, a perfect place for me.’ (pg.26).”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“ The janitor's closet is now even more decorated with a turkey sculpture, and other art work. Melinda even ended up sleeping in the closet. Melinda is making the janitor's closet like her home now.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

During Melinda's summer going on to be a freshman at high school, she was at a party and she expierienced something she didn't want to expierence. What she experience and what she did to stop it from happening changes her life. Going through high school after what happened during the summer changes who she is. These are a couple of things that makes her a better and stronger person.

One of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is the tree. Melinda is in an art class for her first year and her teacher Mr.Freeman makes her draw a tree. Through the whole entire story she tries to find a way she wants her tree that matches her. At the end of the school year she finally finds a tree that matches her.

Second of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is how weak she is. Melinda takes her secret to far where she has no more friends and she is lonely. Also changed her by being depressed all the time, always having a sarcastic tone of voice, and never talks that much. The reason she changed is that she held in her pain to long. If she got to tell someone and got help in the first place she wouldn't have been like the way she did in the book. Since she made her problem even bigger, she also gets strong about if after she figures out how to solve it.

Third of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is she didn't have friends to start out with. Her secret she held in was part of the reason why she lost some of her friends, but her friends never knew the true story. Heather was her first friend to start out with but she didnt really seem to be Melinda's type of person. Later on in the story, some where in the third quarter she got some of her friends back. By the fourth quarter she told her friend why she called the cops and her friend gets mad, but her friend finds out that she was telling the truth. Melinda makes it through high school with bearly any friends and it shoes that she can be independent.

Those are a couple of things that I think that kind of helped her in life and stuff that made her life even more difficult. But it also made her stronger as a person.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. He/she establishes a basic analysis of the text but makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

A limited central/controlling idea is stated. (“Going through high school after what happened during the summer changes who she is. These are a couple of things that makes her a better and stronger person.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the symbolism in the main character’s growth, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“One of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is the tree. Melinda is in an art class for her first year and her teacher Mr.Freeman makes her draw a tree. Through the whole entire story she tries to find a way she wants her tree that matches her. At the end of the school year she finally finds a tree that matches her.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Second of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is how weak she is. Melinda takes her secret to far where she has no more friends and she is lonely. Also changed her by being depressed all the time, always having a sarcastic tone of voice, and never talks that much. The reason she changed is that she held in her pain to long. If she got to tell someone and got help in the first place she wouldn't have been like the way she did in the book. Since she made her problem even bigger, she also gets strong about if after she figures out how to solve it.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Third of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is she didn't have friends to start out with. Her secret she held in was part of the reason why she lost some of her friends, but her friends never knew the true story. Heather was her first friend to start out with but she didnt really seem to be Melinda's type of person. Later on in the story, some where in the third quarter she got some of her friends back.”)

The essay employs limited details to illustrate the main ideas. (“One of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is the tree. Melinda is in an art class for her first year and her teacher Mr.Freeman makes her draw a tree. Through the whole entire story she tries to find a way she wants her tree that matches her. At the end of the school year she finally finds a tree that matches her.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Second of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is how weak she is. Melinda takes her secret to far where she has no more friends and she is lonely. Also changed her by being depressed all the time, always having a sarcastic tone of voice, and never talks that much. The reason she changed is that she held in her pain to long. If she got to tell someone and got help in the first place she wouldn't have been like the way she did in the book. Since she made her problem even bigger, she also gets strong about if after she figures out how to solve it.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ During Melinda's summer going on to be a freshman at high school, she was at a party and she expierienced something she didn't want to expierence. What she experience and what she did to stop it from happening changes her life. Going through high school after what happened during the summer changes who she is. These are a couple of things that makes her a better and stronger person. ”)

Some t ransitional devices are used to help connect ideas. (“ Second of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is how weak she is. Melinda takes her secret to far where she has no more friends and she is lonely. Also changed her by being depressed all the time, always having a sarcastic tone of voice, and never talks that much. The reason she changed is that she held in her pain to long. ”)

The conclusion is very limited and does not summarize or give readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Those are a couple of things that I think that kind of helped her in life and stuff that made her life even more difficult. But it also made her stronger as a person. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The essay reveals simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There is repetition in the essay. (“ Through the whole entire story she tries to find a way she wants her tree that matches her. At the end of the school year she finally finds a tree that matches her. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to the main character’s situation, he/she does not maintain enough focus on important characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the symbolism that reflects the growth of the main character. (“ One of the main symbols to exemplify Melinda's growth is the tree. Melinda is in an art class for her first year and her teacher Mr.Freeman makes her draw a tree. Through the whole entire story she tries to find a way she wants her tree that matches her. At the end of the school year she finally finds a tree that matches her. ”)

Many sentences have weak structure, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ Those are a couple of things that I think that kind of helped her in life and stuff that made her life even more difficult. But it also made her stronger as a person.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, which may interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ During Melinda's summer going on to be a freshman at high school, she was at a party and she expierienced something she didn't want to expierence. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Speak is about a girl named Melinda becomes an outkast when she called the police after being raped, but she didnt tell anyone what happened,the reason why she made the call to 911.She went back to school depressed with no friends.She met a girl named Heather which than became firends.She stopped speaking after the incident that happened at the party.one day when she was raking leaves with her father she saw a dead tree and saw herself as the tree,she started to scratch the bark off the tree trying to replant it just like what she was trying to do with her life.She is trying to start her life fresh again and forget about what happened at the party,she uses the tree to tell what she trying to do,shes trying to get rid of all the bad memories and the depression state that shes in.

In the story Melinda draws alot of dead,broken and lonley trees.People can express how they feel thru art,music,emotion or simpily just words.Melinda chooses to express her self thru art which is a good way to express your feelings if you dont want to talk.I Think it would be better to speak up than to stay quite,it helps and it gets stuff off your chest and you feel much better after words.But if Melinda would of spoken up the book wouldnt be as good as it is.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions the terrible incident that happens to Melinda; however, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“ Speak is about a girl named Melinda becomes an outkast when she called the police after being raped, but she didnt tell anyone what happened,the reason why she made the call to 911.She went back to school depressed with no friends.She met a girl named Heather which than became firends.She stopped speaking after the incident that happened at the party.one day when she was raking leaves with her father she saw a dead tree and saw herself as the tree… ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s connections between the symbolism of the trees and Melinda’s growth throughout the story. (“she started to scratch the bark off the tree trying to replant it just like what she was trying to do with her life.She is trying to start her life fresh again and forget about what happened at the party,she uses the tree to tell what she trying to do,shes trying to get rid of all the bad memories and the depression state that shes in.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“In the story Melinda draws alot of dead,broken and lonley trees.People can express how they feel thru art,music,emotion or simpily just words.Melinda chooses to express her self thru art which is a good way to express your feelings if you dont want to talk.I Think it would be better to speak up than to stay quite,it helps and it gets stuff off your chest and you feel much better after words.But if Melinda would of spoken up the book wouldnt be as good as it is.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to attempt to address Melinda’s growth through the symbolism of the trees, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help readers understand the symbolism and its implications. (“she started to scratch the bark off the tree trying to replant it just like what she was trying to do with her life.She is trying to start her life fresh again and forget about what happened at the party,she uses the tree to tell what she trying to do,shes trying to get rid of all the bad memories and the depression state that shes in.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ She went back to school depressed with no friends.She met a girl named Heather which than became firends.She stopped speaking after the incident that happened at the party. ”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“In the story Melinda draws alot of dead,broken and lonley trees.People can express how they feel thru art,music,emotion or simpily just words.Melinda chooses to express her self thru art which is a good way to express your feelings if you dont want to talk.I Think it would be better to speak up than to stay quite,it helps and it gets stuff off your chest and you feel much better after words.But if Melinda would of spoken up the book wouldnt be as good as it is.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. The writer provides a minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Speak is about a girl named Melinda becomes an outkast when she called the police after being raped, but she didnt tell anyone what happened,the reason why she made the call to 911.She went back to school depressed with no friends.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that effectively reflect the symbolism and growth the writer is focusing on in the response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“one day when she was raking leaves with her father she saw a dead tree and saw herself as the tree,she started to scratch the bark off the tree trying to replant it just like what she was trying to do with her life.She is trying to start her life fresh again and forget about what happened at the party,she uses the tree to tell what she trying to do,shes trying to get rid of all the bad memories and the depression state that shes in.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main idea of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“I Think it would be better to speak up than to stay quite,it helps and it gets stuff off your chest and you feel much better after words.But if Melinda would of spoken up the book wouldnt be as good as it is.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There is a lack of sentence variety. (“ She met a girl named Heather which than became firends.She stopped speaking after the incident that happened at the party. ”)

The writer’s attempt at voice and style is minimal. (“ I Think it would be better to speak up than to stay quite,it helps and it gets stuff off your chest and you feel much better after words.But if Melinda would of spoken up the book wouldnt be as good as it is.”)

There is repetition. (“ She is trying to start her life fresh again and forget about what happened at the party,she uses the tree to tell what she trying to do,shes trying to get rid of all the bad memories and the depression state that shes in.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make the essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“In the story Melinda draws alot of dead,broken and lonley trees.People can express how they feel thru art,music,emotion or simpily just words.Melinda chooses to express her self thru art which is a good way to express your feelings if you dont want to talk.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Melinda's mouth: was ugly,her lips was always chapped.every time she get in the moment she would bit down on her lipas she continued to bit on her lips they became more and more enormous. she took all of her anger on her lips so much they started to bleed. and Melinda also started biting on her slef. she also put line goin down her lips.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The essay fails to support the writer’s assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea that would reflect the purpose of the prompt task. (“ Melinda's mouth: was ugly,her lips was always chapped.every time she get in the moment she would bit down on her lipas she continued to bit on her lips they became more and more enormous. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ she took all of her anger on her lips so much they started to bleed. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves readers feeling a bit confused. (“and Melinda also started biting on her slef. she also put line goin down her lips.”)

Content & Development

Content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the symbolism of Melinda’s mouth, but he/she does not develop the idea in any way. (“ Melinda's mouth: was ugly,her lips was always chapped.every time she get in the moment she would bit down on her lipas she continued to bit on her lips they became more and more enormous. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ she took all of her anger on her lips so much they started to bleed. ”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“and Melinda also started biting on her slef. she also put line goin down her lips.”)

Organization

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Melinda's mouth: was ugly,her lips was always chapped.every time she get in the moment she would bit down on her lipas she continued to bit on her lips they became more and more enormous. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank. (“ she took all of her anger on her lips so much they started to bleed. and Melinda also started biting on her slef. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ she also put line goin down her lips.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Melinda's mouth: was ugly,her lips was always chapped.every time she get in the moment she would bit down on her lipas she continued to bit on her lips they became more and more enormous. ”)

The structure of the sentences is extremely inadequate and contributes to a confused, almost rushed, response to the writing task. (“ and Melinda also started biting on her slef. she also put line goin down her lips.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ she also put line goin down her lips.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Symbolism in The Scarlet Letter

If one closely analyzes the novel The Scarlet Letter , there are a myriad of symbols to uncover. Even the letter "A" has many different symbolic interpretations. In a multi-paragraph essay, examine all of the different meanings the letter "A" has in this novel. Make sure to include examples and details from the text to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter is a cornucopia of symbols, secrets, and sin. Hester Prynne, the protagonist, is persecuted for her adultery and is forced to wear a scarlet letter "A." This personification of sin not only bathers her in shame, but reminds her constantly of the loss of social belonging and acceptance. Hester's crime was shared with Arthur Dimmesdale, a promising young minister, but unlike Hester he had to endure his sin in secret. True to her word, Hester kept Dimmesdale's identity secret; forcing him to punish himself for his sin, since society still regarded him as a holy man and praised him. The result of their sin was a flighty, elfish daughter Pearl . Pearl herself was the embodiment of the letter, and as she grew older she became increasingly fierce and attached to the letter embroidered on her mother's bosom. The secret of Pearl 's father was entwined deeply within the letter, but Hester's estranged spouse, Roger Chillingworth, suspected Dimmesdale's involvement in his wife's betrayal, and devoted himself to tormenting the minister. The letter Hester bore on her chest affected those around her as well. It became a sense of comfort and familiarity to Pearl , a source of shame and sin to Dimmesdale and Hester, a reminder of betrayal to Chillingworth, and a center of scrutiny and superiority to the Puritan society. Over the course of seven years, the Puritan society all live in witness to the scarlet letter fading away, only to come crashing back in rolling waves to destroy the souls of two men and a single woman.

Hester and Dimmesdale shared the shame of common sin constantly reminded by the letter that glowed with transgression on Hester's chest, yet the letter had different effects and meaning on their life. For Dimmesdale, the letter symbolized the betrayal of his vows and religion. The very core of his being was shattered by the letter, and seeing it upon Hester's chest and watching his daughter behave like the letter itself, drove him to self torture and ultimately death. The way the letter taunted him was reflected in the waves of sorrow and despair that accompanied the minister. His sermons became about self worth and his own mistakes because it tortured him to know that Hester was paying for the scarlet letter to society but his reputation was shielded from the shame accompanying her. Hawthorne used the letter in Dimmesdale's situation to symbolize pain, self-loathing, unhappiness, and hypocrisy. The minister has preached on behalf of a religion and society that frowns upon adultery, secrecy, and general sin, yet he has done all those things. By keeping his sin secret, he allows the scarlet letter to thrive off of his despair, giving it control of his life. In Dimmesdale's case, the letter signifies ultimate downfall, as the torture it exerts on his soul translates onto his body and eventually he dies from the exhaustion of fighting his shame and sorrow. Just as the letter destroyed Dimmesdale's soul and body, it distorted Chillingworth's to the point where he seemed to have sold his soul to the devil.

The day Roger Chillingworth returned to his wife, he found her paying for her adultery on the town scaffold, with the letter sparkling on her chest. Chillingworth immediately vowed to extract revenge on the man responsible for his unhappiness, yet he did not want to share in the shame that accompanies an adulteress wife. Chillingworth stayed in town under the pretence of being a doctor, and he moved in with Dimmesdale to "help" the minister in his time of need. Over the course of seven years Chillingworth's thirst for revenge was fueled by the letter and Pearl , which drove him to mentally torture Dimmesdale. Similar to Dimmesdale's predicament, Chillingworth allowed the letter to overtake his life and fill his soul with blackness. The twisted soul his body carried was reflected in the changes of his face, as Hawthorne describes his face of malice. The letter for this vengeful doctor symbolizes the struggle for knowledge yet the disastrous results this may have on ones soul. The letter drives Chillingworth to lose his soul just to punish the man who aided his wife's betrayal. Betrayal and the scarlet letter go hand in hand, as Chillingworth is not the only one affected by this aspect of the letter. Society betrays their strict codes again and again when they shun Hester for her sin yet embrace her when they want her beautiful embroideries. The Puritans frown upon luxury and vibrant colors, but they crave Hester's work and have her make her masterpieces for them only to publicly humiliate her the day after. The letter is not just a symbol of betrayal, sorrow, and sin, but to one special character it signifies comfort and familiarity.

Hester and Dimmesdale's daughter, Pearl, is the very embodiment of the scarlet letter. She is often described as an impish elf child and a flighty bird full of freedom. She is not afraid to rebel against her elders and has a sharp tongue, often questioning her mother and society. Pearl does not realize the true meaning of the letter, and she looks upon it with reverence, enthralled by its beauty. When Hester takes off the letter, Pearl looks almost betrayed and refuses to come to her until she places the letter back on her bosom. To Pearl, the letter signifies a familiar and beautiful adornment of her mother and her refreshing innocence breathes a certain life into the letter. The symbol itself is the difference the innocence of youth makes in perspectives, and the way that Pearl seems to shun society as she embraces her wildness and the letter. Hester never quite understands Pearl 's attraction for the letter, but it is merely that of a child who has become accustomed to beautiful embroidery and looks upon it for comfort. The letter is one and the same, yet with each character it changes meaning and evolves into a multi-layer abundance of symbols.

Betrayal, secrets, sin, and innocence all describe Hawthorne 's most intriguing character, the scarlet letter, which shines upon Hester's bosom. This inanimate object causes despair and shame, shines with innocence and revenge, and changes or destroys the lives and souls of those around it. With each different character, the letter takes a different meaning and manages to show a completely different side than before. Hawthorne uses this as a way to thoroughly explain the true trails his characters must suffer and how one scarlet "A" can paralyze society and drive a man to death. The tale of the Scarlet Letter is one of the most fluent in the language of secrecy and the sins imbued throughout the novel bring the story to life. With each new mistake and punishment, the reader is transported to another mirror of society, all weaving back to the tangled web that is secret, betrayal and sin.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of The Scarlet Letter and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“The letter for this vengeful doctor symbolizes the struggle for knowledge yet the disastrous results this may have on ones soul. The letter drives Chillingworth to lose his soul just to punish the man who aided his wife's betrayal. Betrayal and the scarlet letter go hand in hand, as Chillingworth is not the only one affected by this aspect of the letter.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Hester and Dimmesdale's daughter, Pearl, is the very embodiment of the scarlet letter. She is often described as an impish elf child and a flighty bird full of freedom. She is not afraid to rebel against her elders and has a sharp tongue, often questioning her mother and society. Pearl does not realize the true meaning of the letter, and she looks upon it with reverence, enthralled by its beauty. When Hester takes off the letter, Pearl looks almost betrayed and refuses to come to her until she places the letter back on her bosom. To Pearl, the letter signifies a familiar and beautiful adornment of her mother and her refreshing innocence breathes a certain life into the letter. The symbol itself is the difference the innocence of youth makes in perspectives, and the way that Pearl seems to shun society as she embraces her wildness and the letter. Hester never quite understands Pearl's attraction for the letter, but it is merely that of a child who has become accustomed to beautiful embroidery and looks upon it for comfort. The letter is one and the same, yet with each character it changes meaning and evolves into a multi-layer abundance of symbols.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter is a cornucopia of symbols, secrets, and sin…. Over the course of seven years, the Puritan society all live in witness to the scarlet letter fading away, only to come crashing back in rolling waves to destroy the souls of two men and a single woman.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“Hawthorne used the letter in Dimmesdale's situation to symbolize pain, self-loathing, unhappiness, and hypocrisy. The minister has preached on behalf of a religion and society that frowns upon adultery, secrecy, and general sin, yet he has done all those things. By keeping his sin secret, he allows the scarlet letter to thrive off of his despair, giving it control of his life. In Dimmesdale's case, the letter signifies ultimate downfall, as the torture it exerts on his soul translates onto his body and eventually he dies from the exhaustion of fighting his shame and sorrow. Just as the letter destroyed Dimmesdale's soul and body, it distorted Chillingworth's to the point where he seemed to have sold his soul to the devil.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Hester and Dimmesdale's daughter, Pearl, is the very embodiment of the scarlet letter. She is often described as an impish elf child and a flighty bird full of freedom. She is not afraid to rebel against her elders and has a sharp tongue, often questioning her mother and society. Pearl does not realize the true meaning of the letter, and she looks upon it with reverence, enthralled by its beauty. When Hester takes off the letter, Pearl looks almost betrayed and refuses to come to her until she places the letter back on her bosom. To Pearl, the letter signifies a familiar and beautiful adornment of her mother and her refreshing innocence breathes a certain life into the letter.”)

Specific information about the scarlet letter “A” is developed very effectively. (“ Betrayal, secrets, sin, and innocence all describe Hawthorne's most intriguing character, the scarlet letter, which shines upon Hester's bosom. This inanimate object causes despair and shame, shines with innocence and revenge, and changes or destroys the lives and souls of those around it. With each different character, the letter takes a different meaning and manages to show a completely different side than before.”)

Organization

This essay has very effective organization. The writer demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter is a cornucopia of symbols, secrets, and sin. Hester Prynne, the protagonist, is persecuted for her adultery and is forced to wear a scarlet letter "A." This personification of sin not only bathers her in shame, but reminds her constantly of the loss of social belonging and acceptance. Hester's crime was shared with Arthur Dimmesdale, a promising young minister, but unlike Hester he had to endure his sin in secret. True to her word, Hester kept Dimmesdale's identity secret; forcing him to punish himself for his sin, since society still regarded him as a holy man and praised him. The result of their sin was a flighty, elfish daughter Pearl. Pearl herself was the embodiment of the letter, and as she grew older she became increasingly fierce and attached to the letter embroidered on her mother's bosom. The secret of Pearl's father was entwined deeply within the letter, but Hester's estranged spouse, Roger Chillingworth, suspected Dimmesdale's involvement in his wife's betrayal, and devoted himself to tormenting the minister. The letter Hester bore on her chest affected those around her as well. It became a sense of comfort and familiarity to Pearl, a source of shame and sin to Dimmesdale and Hester, a reminder of betrayal to Chillingworth, and a center of scrutiny and superiority to the Puritan society. Over the course of seven years, the Puritan society all live in witness to the scarlet letter fading away, only to come crashing back in rolling waves to destroy the souls of two men and a single woman.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches the readers a lesson the writer learned after completing the essay. (“ Betrayal, secrets, sin, and innocence all describe Hawthorne's most intriguing character, the scarlet letter, which shines upon Hester's bosom. This inanimate object causes despair and shame, shines with innocence and revenge, and changes or destroys the lives and souls of those around it. With each different character, the letter takes a different meaning and manages to show a completely different side than before. Hawthorne uses this as a way to thoroughly explain the true trails his characters must suffer and how one scarlet "A" can paralyze society and drive a man to death. The tale of the Scarlet Letter is one of the most fluent in the language of secrecy and the sins imbued throughout the novel bring the story to life. With each new mistake and punishment, the reader is transported to another mirror of society, all weaving back to the tangled web that is secret, betrayal and sin.”)

Details, words, or phrases in the introduction and conclusion very effectively engage the readers’ interests. (“ Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter is a cornucopia of symbols, secrets, and sin… Betrayal, secrets, sin, and innocence all describe Hawthorne's most intriguing character, the scarlet letter, which shines upon Hester's bosom.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay exhibits very effective language use and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ Hester and Dimmesdale's daughter, Pearl, is the very embodiment of the scarlet letter. She is often described as an impish elf child and a flighty bird full of freedom. She is not afraid to rebel against her elders and has a sharp tongue, often questioning her mother and society. Pearl does not realize the true meaning of the letter, and she looks upon it with reverence, enthralled by its beauty.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Just as the letter destroyed Dimmesdale's soul and body, it distorted Chillingworth's to the point where he seemed to have sold his soul to the devil… The letter for this vengeful doctor symbolizes the struggle for knowledge yet the disastrous results this may have on ones soul. The letter drives Chillingworth to lose his soul just to punish the man who aided his wife's betrayal.”)

The writer demonstrates very effective voice in the response. (“ Hester and Dimmesdale's daughter, Pearl, is the very embodiment of the scarlet letter. She is often described as an impish elf child and a flighty bird full of freedom. She is not afraid to rebel against her elders and has a sharp tongue, often questioning her mother and society. Pearl does not realize the true meaning of the letter, and she looks upon it with reverence, enthralled by its beauty. When Hester takes off the letter, Pearl looks almost betrayed and refuses to come to her until she places the letter back on her bosom. To Pearl, the letter signifies a familiar and beautiful adornment of her mother and her refreshing innocence breathes a certain life into the letter.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates very effective control over the use of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected in this essay. For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ Betrayal, secrets, sin, and innocence all describe Hawthorne's most intriguing character, the scarlet letter, which shines upon Hester's bosom. This inanimate object causes despair and shame, shines with innocence and revenge, and changes or destroys the lives and souls of those around it. With each different character, the letter takes a different meaning and manages to show a completely different side than before.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In The Scarlet Letter, specific events are used to help the reader understand how the interactions of two "sinners" become a legend of ignominy. The sinners partake in an unimaginable transgression that leads to the permanent fastening of a crimson "stain" on the only known culprit. At the start of the story, the reader discovers that the known transgressor was a woman named Hester Prynne. The symbol that this woman must don for the rest of her life is a scarlet letter. In the beginning of the story the letter is known to stand for an action, but proceeds to gain other meanings as the story continues. The letter eventually comes to symbolize the result of Hester's actions, and later the traits of some of the story's characters.

Within the first few chapters of the story, the reader is introduced to the character of Hester Prynne. The woman is revealed to be an adulterer who became intimate with another man while she was still married. The townspeople know this because she has a baby as a consequence of her trysts. So, as a punishment for her actions Hester is given a scarlet letter "A" to wear on her bosom for the rest of her life. However, this plain looking symbol of Hester's actions is turned into an elaborate ornament after she applies her sewing skills to its plain exterior. To the observant Puritan public, the "A" Hester wears is a mark that she has deserved for her crime; it stands a representation of her sin. However, both the people of the town and Hester know that there is a partner to her "offense" who deserves to wear the letter too, but is still at large.

The relationship that Hester had with the unknown accomplice resulted in a child, that child's name is Pearl. Although the child's name conjures up the idea that she must have a radiant nature, her aura is diminished by her mischievous qualities. She is known as an "impish creature", who stands for all beliefs that the Puritan culture rejects. Without Pearl's knowledge, she is the embodiment of her mother's sinful "A". Pearl is the letter with legs; the townspeople understand that Pearl is the result of Hester's crime and a reminder of her two-dimensional counterpart as well. "It was the scarlet letter in another form; the scarlet letter endowed with life!".

Many of the novel's characters are represented by a scarlet letter in some way; the current states of their lives are mirrored by the symbolic letter. The reader knows that Hester's letter is a mark of her sin, but it later becomes a symbol of hope in the darkness for others. Instead of being recognized by her sin, Hester becomes known for her compassion towards others and her willingness to always help those in need. The people of Hester's town knew she had a vigor that gave her the innate ability to always help others, and for that the townspeople said her mark stood for "Able". The "A" is also seen in the stars one night by Hester, Mr. Dimmesdale, and Pearl while they stand on the scaffold together. Like Hester's symbol of ignominy, this sign in the stars is thought to have a meaning too. However, this "A" was understood by many townspeople to represent the word "Angel", for that night the Governor Winthrop passed on. Lastly, Pearl creates a new letter "A" for herself to wear as part of a costume she makes at the seaside. This "A" is not red, but is a greenish color made of materials from the seashore. This letter symbolizes Pearl's want to understand what her mother's emblem means; Pearl is starting to grow up and feels the need to understand what is going on around her. This mirror of her mother's mark is the first step for Pearl to discover how she is connected to the scarlet letter, and what the symbol really signifies.

The Puritan mantra "In Adam's Fall We sinned all" is exemplified in the book The Scarlet Letter, by two lovers who have committed one of the ultimate sins. One of the known sinners has to wear a symbol of ignominy on her breast, but that letter that she wears appears throughout the novel to represent other concepts as well. The figure stands for the product of the lover's actions, and even through a comparison made by the author the burgundy letter is given a red, beating heart. When that same organ ceases to beat in the heart of another man, the same letter is seen in the sky, but it receives its own connotation. Later, even Pearl's inquisitive nature is shown through her own rendition of the letter. The letter "A" becomes a theme throughout The Scarlet Letter, while it represents the qualities that are awoken or become deceased simplistically called "the fate of Providence".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of The Scarlet Letter and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Within the first few chapters of the story, the reader is introduced to the character of Hester Prynne. The woman is revealed to be an adulterer who became intimate with another man while she was still married. The townspeople know this because she has a baby as a consequence of her trysts. So, as a punishment for her actions Hester is given a scarlet letter "A" to wear on her bosom for the rest of her life. However, this plain looking symbol of Hester's actions is turned into an elaborate ornament after she applies her sewing skills to its plain exterior. To the observant Puritan public, the "A" Hester wears is a mark that she has deserved for her crime; it stands a representation of her sin. However, both the people of the town and Hester know that there is a partner to her "offense" who deserves to wear the letter too, but is still at large.”)

The language of the thesis fits the effective examples well. (“ The symbol that this woman must don for the rest of her life is a scarlet letter. In the beginning of the story the letter is known to stand for an action, but proceeds to gain other meanings as the story continues. The letter eventually comes to symbolize the result of Hester's actions, and later the traits of some of the story's characters.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the different meanings behind the symbol “A.” (“ Many of the novel's characters are represented by a scarlet letter in some way; the current states of their lives are mirrored by the symbolic letter. The reader knows that Hester's letter is a mark of her sin, but it later becomes a symbol of hope in the darkness for others. Instead of being recognized by her sin, Hester becomes known for her compassion towards others and her willingness to always help those in need. The people of Hester's town knew she had a vigor that gave her the innate ability to always help others, and for that the townspeople said her mark stood for "Able". The "A" is also seen in the stars one night by Hester, Mr. Dimmesdale, and Pearl while they stand on the scaffold together. Like Hester's symbol of ignominy, this sign in the stars is thought to have a meaning too. However, this "A" was understood by many townspeople to represent the word "Angel", for that night the Governor Winthrop passed on. Lastly, Pearl creates a new letter "A" for herself to wear as part of a costume she makes at the seaside. This "A" is not red, but is a greenish color made of materials from the seashore. This letter symbolizes Pearl's want to understand what her mother's emblem means; Pearl is starting to grow up and feels the need to understand what is going on around her. This mirror of her mother's mark is the first step for Pearl to discover how she is connected to the scarlet letter, and what the symbol really signifies.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Many of the novel's characters are represented by a scarlet letter in some way; the current states of their lives are mirrored by the symbolic letter. The reader knows that Hester's letter is a mark of her sin, but it later becomes a symbol of hope in the darkness for others. Instead of being recognized by her sin, Hester becomes known for her compassion towards others and her willingness to always help those in need. The people of Hester's town knew she had a vigor that gave her the innate ability to always help others, and for that the townspeople said her mark stood for "Able". The "A" is also seen in the stars one night by Hester, Mr. Dimmesdale, and Pearl while they stand on the scaffold together. Like Hester's symbol of ignominy, this sign in the stars is thought to have a meaning too. However, this "A" was understood by many townspeople to represent the word "Angel", for that night the Governor Winthrop passed on. Lastly, Pearl creates a new letter "A" for herself to wear as part of a costume she makes at the seaside. This "A" is not red, but is a greenish color made of materials from the seashore. This letter symbolizes Pearl's want to understand what her mother's emblem means; Pearl is starting to grow up and feels the need to understand what is going on around her. This mirror of her mother's mark is the first step for Pearl to discover how she is connected to the scarlet letter, and what the symbol really signifies.”)

The writer includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“The relationship that Hester had with the unknown accomplice resulted in a child, that child's name is Pearl. Although the child's name conjures up the idea that she must have a radiant nature, her aura is diminished by her mischievous qualities. She is known as an "impish creature", who stands for all beliefs that the Puritan culture rejects. Without Pearl's knowledge, she is the embodiment of her mother's sinful "A". Pearl is the letter with legs; the townspeople understand that Pearl is the result of Hester's crime and a reminder of her two-dimensional counterpart as well. "It was the scarlet letter in another form; the scarlet letter endowed with life!".”)

The essay includes good, specific details from The Scarlet Letter that relate to the main character, Hester Prynne. (“Within the first few chapters of the story, the reader is introduced to the character of Hester Prynne. The woman is revealed to be an adulterer who became intimate with another man while she was still married. The townspeople know this because she has a baby as a consequence of her trysts. So, as a punishment for her actions Hester is given a scarlet letter "A" to wear on her bosom for the rest of her life. However, this plain looking symbol of Hester's actions is turned into an elaborate ornament after she applies her sewing skills to its plain exterior. To the observant Puritan public, the "A" Hester wears is a mark that she has deserved for her crime; it stands a representation of her sin. However, both the people of the town and Hester know that there is a partner to her "offense" who deserves to wear the letter too, but is still at large.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in this essay. The essay presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The writer uses consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ In The Scarlet Letter, specific events are used to help the reader understand how the interactions of two "sinners" become a legend of ignominy. The sinners partake in an unimaginable transgression that leads to the permanent fastening of a crimson "stain" on the only known culprit.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Lastly, Pearl creates a new letter "A" for herself to wear as part of a costume she makes at the seaside. This "A" is not red, but is a greenish color made of materials from the seashore. This letter symbolizes Pearl's want to understand what her mother's emblem means; Pearl is starting to grow up and feels the need to understand what is going on around her. This mirror of her mother's mark is the first step for Pearl to discover how she is connected to the scarlet letter, and what the symbol really signifies.”)

The conclusion effectively leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ The Puritan mantra "In Adam's Fall We sinned all" is exemplified in the book The Scarlet Letter, by two lovers who have committed one of the ultimate sins. One of the known sinners has to wear a symbol of ignominy on her breast, but that letter that she wears appears throughout the novel to represent other concepts as well. The figure stands for the product of the lover's actions, and even through a comparison made by the author the burgundy letter is given a red, beating heart. When that same organ ceases to beat in the heart of another man, the same letter is seen in the sky, but it receives its own connotation. Later, even Pearl's inquisitive nature is shown through her own rendition of the letter. The letter "A" becomes a theme throughout The Scarlet Letter, while it represents the qualities that are awoken or become deceased simplistically called "the fate of Providence".”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is good. The essay demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ However, this plain looking symbol of Hester's actions is turned into an elaborate ornament after she applies her sewing skills to its plain exterior. To the observant Puritan public, the "A" Hester wears is a mark that she has deserved for her crime; it stands a representation of her sin. However, both the people of the town and Hester know that there is a partner to her "offense" who deserves to wear the letter too, but is still at large.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“The Puritan mantra "In Adam's Fall We sinned all" is exemplified in the book The Scarlet Letter, by two lovers who have committed one of the ultimate sins. One of the known sinners has to wear a symbol of ignominy on her breast, but that letter that she wears appears throughout the novel to represent other concepts as well. The figure stands for the product of the lover's actions, and even through a comparison made by the author the burgundy letter is given a red, beating heart. When that same organ ceases to beat in the heart of another man, the same letter is seen in the sky, but it receives its own connotation. Later, even Pearl's inquisitive nature is shown through her own rendition of the letter. The letter "A" becomes a theme throughout The Scarlet Letter, while it represents the qualities that are awoken or become deceased simplistically called "the fate of Providence".”)

The complex sentence, “ This letter symbolizes Pearl's want to understand what her mother's emblem means; Pearl is starting to grow up and feels the need to understand what is going on around her,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of conventions and mechanics is seen in this essay. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Many of the novel's characters are represented by a scarlet letter in some way; the current states of their lives are mirrored by the symbolic letter. The reader knows that Hester's letter is a mark of her sin, but it later becomes a symbol of hope in the darkness for others. Instead of being recognized by her sin, Hester becomes known for her compassion towards others and her willingness to always help those in need.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne has many different symbols shown throughout the book. One of the main ways Hawthorne shows symbolism is by using the letter "A". The letter "A" has many different meanings throughout the book. Different people throughout the town interpret the letter "A" differently. Another way it is used it that Hester makes it look beautiful to show that she does not look at the letter as a curse. Another way that it is interpreted is that Pearl makes the letter "A" out of green eel-grass which symbolizes that she is connected to the letter just as much as her mother is.

To begin with, the townspeople think that the "A" on Hester's breast mean different things. Some people interpret the letter as adultery which is the reason that she got the letter in the first place. As years go by, a couple of people think that the letter means able. "They said that it meant Able; so strong was Hester Prynne, with a woman's strength" (Hawthorne 111). Then in the end some people believe the letter "A" in the sky means angel. This shows the changes in Hester because first she was thought of as a person who committed adultery. Once people get to know Hester and see that she is a nice person they think the letter on her chest means able. In the end of the book a lot of people think the letter means angel and by this time Hester is a totally changed woman who helps the town by doing charity.

In addition, Hester makes the letter on her chest look as beautiful as possible. "On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A" (Hawthorne 37). She does this because she wants people in the town to recognize it as her letter and people cannot tell her what to do with it. She also wants people to see that she is not ashamed of her sin and she still has a high morale. This is one reason why people in the town view the letter as meaning able because they believe that someone who has sinned would never make the letter look that beautiful.

Finally, Pearl makes a letter "A" on herself made out of green eel-grass. "As the last touch to her mermaid's garb, Pearl took some eel-grass, and imitated as best she could, on her own bosom, the decoration with which she was so familiar on her mother's" (Hawthorne 122). This shows the reader that Pearl is just as much connected to the letter as Hester is. Pearl understands how much the letter means to her and her mom. For example when her mom took off the scarlet letter Pearl noticed it and got angry. Also the green color of the letter represents that Pearl might view the letter as meaning prosperous for green money. While Hester's letter is red which can stand for hate.

To conclude, the letter "A" has many different meanings behind it. One is that many people interpret the letter in different ways. Two is Hester believes that it is her "A" and makes it look beautiful. Three is Pearl knows that she is attached to the letter just as much as Hester is. The letter shows the changes in Hester from being someone who committed adultery to what most people would consider an angel.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay delivers adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the symbols in The Scarlet Letter and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay’s response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“"The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne has many different symbols shown throughout the book. One of the main ways Hawthorne shows symbolism is by using the letter "A". The letter "A" has many different meanings throughout the book. Different people throughout the town interpret the letter "A" differently. Another way it is used it that Hester makes it look beautiful to show that she does not look at the letter as a curse. Another way that it is interpreted is that Pearl makes the letter "A" out of green eel-grass which symbolizes that she is connected to the letter just as much as her mother is.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“To begin with, the townspeople think that the "A" on Hester's breast mean different things. Some people interpret the letter as adultery which is the reason that she got the letter in the first place. As years go by, a couple of people think that the letter means able. "They said that it meant Able; so strong was Hester Prynne, with a woman's strength" (Hawthorne 111). Then in the end some people believe the letter "A" in the sky means angel. This shows the changes in Hester because first she was thought of as a person who committed adultery. Once people get to know Hester and see that she is a nice person they think the letter on her chest means able. In the end of the book a lot of people think the letter means angel and by this time Hester is a totally changed woman who helps the town by doing charity.”)

The writer adequately uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“In addition, Hester makes the letter on her chest look as beautiful as possible. "On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A" (Hawthorne 37). She does this because she wants people in the town to recognize it as her letter and people cannot tell her what to do with it. She also wants people to see that she is not ashamed of her sin and she still has a high morale. This is one reason why people in the town view the letter as meaning able because they believe that someone who has sinned would never make the letter look that beautiful.”)

Content & Development

This essay has adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“Another way that it is interpreted is that Pearl makes the letter "A" out of green eel-grass which symbolizes that she is connected to the letter just as much as her mother is… This shows the reader that Pearl is just as much connected to the letter as Hester is. Pearl understands how much the letter means to her and her mom. For example when her mom took off the scarlet letter Pearl noticed it and got angry. Also the green color of the letter represents that Pearl might view the letter as meaning prosperous for green money. While Hester's letter is red which can stand for hate.”)

The essay includes quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Finally, Pearl makes a letter "A" on herself made out of green eel-grass. "As the last touch to her mermaid's garb, Pearl took some eel-grass, and imitated as best she could, on her own bosom, the decoration with which she was so familiar on her mother's" (Hawthorne 122). This shows the reader that Pearl is just as much connected to the letter as Hester is. Pearl understands how much the letter means to her and her mom. For example when her mom took off the scarlet letter Pearl noticed it and got angry. Also the green color of the letter represents that Pearl might view the letter as meaning prosperous for green money. While Hester's letter is red which can stand for hate.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are adequate. At least three details are stated about each main idea. (“Finally, Pearl makes a letter "A" on herself made out of green eel-grass. "As the last touch to her mermaid's garb, Pearl took some eel-grass, and imitated as best she could, on her own bosom, the decoration with which she was so familiar on her mother's" (Hawthorne 122). This shows the reader that Pearl is just as much connected to the letter as Hester is. Pearl understands how much the letter means to her and her mom. For example when her mom took off the scarlet letter Pearl noticed it and got angry. Also the green color of the letter represents that Pearl might view the letter as meaning prosperous for green money. While Hester's letter is red which can stand for hate.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in this essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne has many different symbols shown throughout the book. One of the main ways Hawthorne shows symbolism is by using the letter "A". The letter "A" has many different meanings throughout the book. Different people throughout the town interpret the letter "A" differently. Another way it is used it that Hester makes it look beautiful to show that she does not look at the letter as a curse. Another way that it is interpreted is that Pearl makes the letter "A" out of green eel-grass which symbolizes that she is connected to the letter just as much as her mother is.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ To begin with, the townspeople think that the "A" on Hester's breast mean different things. Some people interpret the letter as adultery which is the reason that she got the letter in the first place. As years go by, a couple of people think that the letter means able.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. (“ To conclude, the letter "A" has many different meanings behind it. One is that many people interpret the letter in different ways. Two is Hester believes that it is her "A" and makes it look beautiful. Three is Pearl knows that she is attached to the letter just as much as Hester is. The letter shows the changes in Hester from being someone who committed adultery to what most people would consider an angel.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate language use and style with appropriate language and word choice. The response shows an awareness of audience, control of voice, and generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ She does this because she wants people in the town to recognize it as her letter and people cannot tell her what to do with it. She also wants people to see that she is not ashamed of her sin and she still has a high morale. This is one reason why people in the town view the letter as meaning able because they believe that someone who has sinned would never make the letter look that beautiful.”)

Exact and specific words like “symbol” and “symbolism” from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne has many different symbols shown throughout the book. One of the main ways Hawthorne shows symbolism is by using the letter "A". The letter "A" has many different meanings throughout the book. Different people throughout the town interpret the letter "A" differently. Another way it is used it that Hester makes it look beautiful to show that she does not look at the letter as a curse. Another way that it is interpreted is that Pearl makes the letter "A" out of green eel-grass which symbolizes that she is connected to the letter just as much as her mother is.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor; for example, the use of “one,” “two,” and “three” in the conclusion. (“ To conclude, the letter "A" has many different meanings behind it. One is that many people interpret the letter in different ways. Two is Hester believes that it is her "A" and makes it look beautiful. Three is Pearl knows that she is attached to the letter just as much as Hester is. The letter shows the changes in Hester from being someone who committed adultery to what most people would consider an angel.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate control of conventions and mechanics. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“This shows the changes in Hester because first she was thought of as a person who committed adultery. Once people get to know Hester and see that she is a nice person they think the letter on her chest means able. In the end of the book a lot of people think the letter means angel and by this time Hester is a totally changed woman who helps the town by doing charity.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover. The mark A is just one of the many symbols that you can analyze and explain. A, can symbolize adultery, able, and shame, which all are different meanings in the story. These significances in the story are very important to the outcome and the overall focal point of the story. The different essences come at different times in the story.

Adultery is probably the most important symbol that the A represents. In the Scarlet Letter Hester has to wear the A because she had committed adultery. Hester cheats on her husband and the town gives her the scarlet to stand for adultery. Although, along with adultery comes shame. The reason for the scarlet letter was not only to symbolize the word adultery but with that word comes shame. The towns' people put the scarlet letter to punish Hester by shame. Having shame wearing the letter is a physical way of reminding her what she has done causing shame and guilt.

Another symbol the A represents is able. At the first of the story the A stands for Adultery but then drastically changes into a sturdy sign, able. Able, meaning she is now not singled out and is a powerful and strong women. The symbol changes and now is a more powerful sign than a shameful one. The towns' people have more respect and more admiration for her.

Added to the other symbols, sin is also another one. Hester has a daughter from her wrong doings. Her daughters name is pearl and is a live reminder of what she has done. Because she had committed adultery God has sent her this child to her, just like a human characteristic of the letter A. Peal is a reminder to Hester of the sin that she committed. Peal is alive and is what keeps Hester going and not giving up.

The scarlet letter has countless numbers of meanings in this novel. These implications can mean good or bad, powerful to shameful, or even sin. The letter A defines the overall end result or results that happen in the story. The scarlet letter is the most important symbol is this yarn.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in this essay. The response establishes a basic analysis of the novel and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the novel, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“Adultery is probably the most important symbol that the A represents. In the Scarlet Letter Hester has to wear the A because she had committed adultery. Hester cheats on her husband and the town gives her the scarlet to stand for adultery. Although, along with adultery comes shame. The reason for the scarlet letter was not only to symbolize the word adultery but with that word comes shame. The towns' people put the scarlet letter to punish Hester by shame. Having shame wearing the letter is a physical way of reminding her what she has done causing shame and guilt.”)

The essay illustrates a limited understanding of audience by not including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Another symbol the A represents is able. At the first of the story the A stands for Adultery but then drastically changes into a sturdy sign, able. Able, meaning she is now not singled out and is a powerful and strong women. The symbol changes and now is a more powerful sign than a shameful one. The towns' people have more respect and more admiration for her.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover. The mark A is just one of the many symbols that you can analyze and explain. A, can symbolize adultery, able, and shame, which all are different meanings in the story. These significances in the story are very important to the outcome and the overall focal point of the story. The different essences come at different times in the story.”)

Content & Development

Content and development in this essay are limited. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from The Scarlet Letter .

The essay includes only a limited discussion of literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover. The mark A is just one of the many symbols that you can analyze and explain. A, can symbolize adultery, able, and shame, which all are different meanings in the story. These significances in the story are very important to the outcome and the overall focal point of the story. The different essences come at different times in the story.”)

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Added to the other symbols, sin is also another one. Hester has a daughter from her wrong doings. Her daughters name is pearl and is a live reminder of what she has done. Because she had committed adultery God has sent her this child to her, just like a human characteristic of the letter A. Peal is a reminder to Hester of the sin that she committed. Peal is alive and is what keeps Hester going and not giving up.”)

The essay does not include 4–5 supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Another symbol the A represents is able. At the first of the story the A stands for Adultery but then drastically changes into a sturdy sign, able. Able, meaning she is now not singled out and is a powerful and strong women. The symbol changes and now is a more powerful sign than a shameful one. The towns' people have more respect and more admiration for her.”)

Organization

Organization within this essay is limited. The response demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover. The mark A is just one of the many symbols that you can analyze and explain. A, can symbolize adultery, able, and shame, which all are different meanings in the story.”)

The first sentence of the introduction attempts to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Another symbol the A represents is able. At the first of the story the A stands for Adultery but then drastically changes into a sturdy sign, able.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates limited language use and style. The response demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience, and control of voice. Additionally, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Another symbol the A represents is able. At the first of the story the A stands for Adultery but then drastically changes into a sturdy sign, able. Able, meaning she is now not singled out and is a powerful and strong women. The symbol changes and now is a more powerful sign than a shameful one. The towns' people have more respect and more admiration for her.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ The scarlet letter has countless numbers of meanings in this novel. These implications can mean good or bad, powerful to shameful, or even sin. The letter A defines the overall end result or results that happen in the story. The scarlet letter is the most important symbol is this yarn.”)

There is repetition. (“ The Scarlet Letter is a very mysterious book and has a great deal of symbols in which you can uncover. The mark A is just one of the many symbols that you can analyze and explain. A, can symbolize adultery, able, and shame, which all are different meanings in the story. These significances in the story are very important to the outcome and the overall focal point of the story. The different essences come at different times in the story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions. There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Added to the other symbols, sin is also another one. Hester has a daughter from her wrong doings. Her daughters name is pearl and is a live reminder of what she has done. Because she had committed adultery God has sent her this child to her, just like a human characteristic of the letter A. Peal is a reminder to Hester of the sin that she committed. Peal is alive and is what keeps Hester going and not giving up.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.

The first person that the letter means something is the person who has to wear it, Hester Prinn.

To her the letter means shame because she is ashamed for what she has done and she has to wear the letter for every one to know her crime.

The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt.

The third person would have to be the sweet and innocent Pearl.To her the letter means exellence like in the alphabet or a grade on a paper.She dosent understand that the full meaning of the letter.She is to young to see that her mother has sinned and has gone against the purritan society rules.

The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with.

To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed through this essay. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the symbolism in the novel and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters. The first person that the letter means something is the person who has to wear it, Hester Prinn.To her the letter means shame because she is ashamed for what she has done and she has to wear the letter for every one to know her crime. The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt. The third person would have to be the sweet and innocent Pearl.To her the letter means exellence like in the alphabet or a grade on a paper.She dosent understand that the full meaning of the letter.She is to young to see that her mother has sinned and has gone against the purritan society rules. The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with. To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.”)

The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.”)

The writer does not state the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in this essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the novel.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters. The first person that the letter means something is the person who has to wear it, Hester Prinn.To her the letter means shame because she is ashamed for what she has done and she has to wear the letter for every one to know her crime. The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt. The third person would have to be the sweet and innocent Pearl.To her the letter means exellence like in the alphabet or a grade on a paper.She dosent understand that the full meaning of the letter.She is to young to see that her mother has sinned and has gone against the purritan society rules. The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with. To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the writer’s thesis statement. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters. The first person that the letter means something is the person who has to wear it, Hester Prinn.To her the letter means shame because she is ashamed for what she has done and she has to wear the letter for every one to know her crime. The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt. The third person would have to be the sweet and innocent Pearl.To her the letter means exellence like in the alphabet or a grade on a paper.She dosent understand that the full meaning of the letter.She is to young to see that her mother has sinned and has gone against the purritan society rules. The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with. To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is displayed in this essay. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, little evidence of paragraphing, and a lack of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. It includes little background information about the topic. (“ The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.”)

The conclusion does little to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in this response. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with.”)

There is repetition in the introductory paragraph. (“ The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of conventions and mechanics is demonstrated throughout this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, or end with a punctuation mark. (“The scarlet letter "A" represents different meanings for different people. In the story The Scarlet Letter , this letter ment four different things to four very different characters. The first person that the letter means something is the person who has to wear it, Hester Prinn.To her the letter means shame because she is ashamed for what she has done and she has to wear the letter for every one to know her crime. The second person it means something to is Dimmesdale.To him it ment a great deal of guilt.He was guilty because he knew that he should have the letter on him also and to be even more to blmae because he is a reverend.Hester is getting everything put on her to save Dimmesdales butt. The third person would have to be the sweet and innocent Pearl.To her the letter means exellence like in the alphabet or a grade on a paper.She dosent understand that the full meaning of the letter.She is to young to see that her mother has sinned and has gone against the purritan society rules. The forth and last person that the letter really has a diffrent meaning to is Chillingsworth.To him the letter represents revenge.His wife cheated on him so he has to get backat her and the guy she commited adultry with. To us, a letter or scarlet letter to be presice can mean anything to us.To these people the meaning is powerful and adds a deeper personification to the novel and movie.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The essay fails to establish an analysis of the novel and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the symbols in the essay question to the text. (“To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.”)

In the introduction, the point of view or argument of the essay is inadequate or is not stated. (“The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are inadequate. The response fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the symbols in The Scarlet Letter .

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in this essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction and conclusion, as well as no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style in this essay. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, shows no awareness of audience, and has major errors in sentence structure and usage.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ So he knows what the "A" stands for.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

The writer should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This writer demonstrates inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, which interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action). Sentences in the essay are disjointed. (“ The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

Sentences are not indented when a new paragraph begins, nor are line breaks used to separate or distinguish between paragraphs. The writer does not use spaces to separate sentences. (“ The letter "A" in this novel means several different things to different people. To pearl she doesn't know what the letter really means,but she does say it's the greatest letter of all.The people in the town know it stands for adultery.They know she is a sinner, for she has cheated on her husband,with another man.The Revern is very guilty for he knows of adultery, and he committed it.So he knows what the "A" stands for.Chillingsworth sees it as a punishment for her cheating on him.Hester doesn't care what people thinks of her.She knows she done wrong, and she excepts it.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The American Dream in A Raisin in the Sun

Many people believe that, in pursuing their vision of the American Dream, the Younger family made a mistake by not taking Linder's money. What do you think?

Write an essay in which you take a position on whether not taking Linder's money or letting Linder buy back the house is the better decision. Be sure to discuss your definition of the American Dream and explain how your position would help the Younger family attain it.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

What is the American Dream? To some, it is the ambition to achieve more than their parents accomplished. For others, the American Dream is simply the belief that through hard work, anyone can lead a fruitful and flourishing life. I believe the American Dream to be advancing in society while maintaining a strong sense of family. In many cases, values are forgotten in the race to the top. In this rat race people forget that they require a support system, and when they disown family, there is nobody there for a shoulder to lean on. The Youngers believed in all of these interpretations, and they sought to obtain every desire they possess. Ideally, this is a wonderful way to live, seeking out every one of your life's aspirations. Realistically however, we understand that Walter's liquor store idea is a sinking ship, and his greed and self-centeredness in pursuing his dream hinders his whole family's progress. The family's responsibility is to release Walter from his disillusionment with love and speaking sense to him.

Karl Linder and the Clybourne Park Association did not want African Americans in their neighborhood; the Youngers comprehended the prejudice that would follow their family as they settled into their new home. After Walter's business pursuit falls short, he contemplates accepting Linder's proposition that involved compensating the Younger's if they exchange their new home for money. In Walter's desperation, he calls Linder over to deliberate the terms and agreement concerning their relocation. When the Younger family discovers this atrocity, they demand that Walter correct his actions. After evaluating his judgment, he rejects Linder's final offer and informs Linder that this declaration was irrefutable. With that solid display of manhood, against oppressive racial injustice, Walter restores his reputation, as well as his family's pride. This action brings his entire family closer because they are overjoyed with his sudden transformation towards manhood.

Dignity and gratification are not typically fundamental when seeking the American Dream, however, the Youngers revitalized this mode of thinking. In many families that seek such esteem, they only consider financial gains in their pursuits. Many times, people do not realize that integrity and a feeling of wholeness are feelings that are priceless. Getting ahead does not mean giving up everything that you are, it means keeping all of your values and principals while chasing your dreams. It is important to keep in mind what you stand for and not let greed and the desire to succeed destroy what you believe in. The Youngers understand that in seeking prosperity, it is not mandatory that you sacrifice your self-worth to advance in society. If Walter planned on accepting Linder's offer, Travis would be standing right there, witnessing a display of a cowardice. Walter did not want to set this type of example for his son, and wanted to prove what a man really was. An overwhelming sense of guilt took hold of Walter, and that was when he made the proper decision to notify Linder that his offer was rejected. Granny especially stood for sustaining honor of the family, as well as the individuals. She knew better than anyone that materialism did not construct joy, only an unyielding sense of family could bring such contentment. Granny's elderly wisdom provided everyone with the strength to persevere through any struggles that may await them in the future.

If the Youngers would have taken the money, it would have been a short period of time before disagreements unfolded. Nobody in the family would trust Walter with financial control, and his ungenerous and frivolous ways would have ripped the family apart. Ruth had another child on the way and this child would need a proper role model. Granny's children did not concur with her until they had a revelation; what would happen after they received the money? The family understood that no amount of riches could bring about unity of the household. Their intertwining lives would fall to shambles from disputing the next method of spending their monetary gains. Since solidarity is vital in this household, it is imperative to keep the support system alive.

The Younger's made a respectable choice in not accepting Linder's deal. They demonstrate what it truly means to function as a family; one unit designed to help their fellow man. If not for Granny's old fashioned ways, the Youngers may have forfeited their rights to live wherever they wanted. This allows for them to create a new beginning, full of happiness and understanding. This family did not tolerate the idea that African Americans were sub-human, that they had to relocate with their "own kind" to lead a prosperous life. The Younger's broke through the status quo and shattered many racial barriers set for the time, and for that, they should be proud.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Ideally, this is a wonderful way to live, seeking out every one of your life's aspirations. Realistically however, we understand that Walter's liquor store idea is a sinking ship, and his greed and self-centeredness in pursuing his dream hinders his whole family's progress.”) The writer expresses an appreciation for the theme of the American Dream found in the play while also demonstrating an understanding of the repercussions the characters encounter in A Raisin in the Sun .

The essay keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Dignity and gratification are not typically fundamental when seeking the American Dream, however, the Youngers revitalized this mode of thinking.”) The writer utilizes character analysis as a focal point for the essay.

The writer includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“After Walter's business pursuit falls short, he contemplates accepting Linder's proposition that involved compensating the Younger's if they exchange their new home for money.”) The writer highlights the symbol of the house as a catalyst for analysis within the essay.

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The Youngers understand that in seeking prosperity, it is not mandatory that you sacrifice your self-worth to advance in society.”) The writer fleshes out the moral characterization of the Younger family to emphasize their unique path to achieve their American Dream.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The family understood that no amount of riches could bring about unity of the household. Their intertwining lives would fall to shambles from disputing the next method of spending their monetary gains.”) Certainly, the writer’s analysis emphasizes the Younger family’s conflicting desires while struggling to maintain household cohesion within the drama.

Relevant points explain and illustrate the importance of family within the Younger family’s American Dream very effectively. (“Since solidarity is vital in this household, it is imperative to keep the support system alive.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, and an effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question followed by a definition, which is cleverly connected to the theme of the essay. (“ What is the American Dream? To some, it is the ambition to achieve more than their parents accomplished. For others, the American Dream is simply the belief that through hard work, anyone can lead a fruitful and flourishing life. I believe the American Dream to be advancing in society while maintaining a strong sense of family. In many cases, values are forgotten in the race to the top. In this rat race people forget that they require a support system, and when they disown family, there is nobody there for a shoulder to lean on.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively to promote a sense of flow within the essay. ( “…when seeking the American Dream, however, the…”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively while maintaining the writer’s argument. ( “If not for Granny's old fashioned ways, the Youngers may have forfeited their rights to live wherever they wanted. This allows for them to create a new beginning, full of happiness and understanding.”)

Language Use & Style

There is very effective use of language and style in the essay. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The formal language and tone are consistent. (“Getting ahead does not mean giving up everything that you are, it means keeping all of your values and principals while chasing your dreams.”)

Use of succinct word choice ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how this relationship supports the characters and theme of the American Dream. (“ Granny especially stood for sustaining honor of the family, as well as the individuals. She knew better than anyone that materialism did not construct joy, only an unyielding sense of family could bring such contentment.”)

The writer uses complex and compound-complex sentences effectively. (“ This family did not tolerate the idea that African Americans were sub-human, that they had to relocate with their ‘own kind’ to lead a prosperous life. The Younger's broke through the status quo and shattered many racial barriers set for the time, and for that, they should be proud.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of conventions and mechanics. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist.

Each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, and line breaks are used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. ( “ Their intertwining lives would fall to shambles from disputing the next method of spending their monetary gains.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How far are people willing to go to defend their dignity and honor? Does it have a price? The Younger Family strongly believes unity and love prevail over money and conformity. However, the family did wrong by not accepting Mr. Lindner's offer because they can't afford it. The situation the Younger's were in, where Walter lost the $6,500, their dream house is just not possible. The "right" thing to do would have been to hold off the dream a little longer, until they had enough funds to move in.

The family didn't think ahead. Ruth had Travis, a baby on the way and was working as a maid. Walter was a chauffeur, and Mama and Beneatha didn't work. To move into the house of their dreams, Mama would have to look for employment, and Beneatha would probably have to give up her dreams of becoming a doctor, or at least for a short while. Being an African American family in the 1950's was very dangerous. Moving into an all-white neighborhood would be very risky in many aspects; countless crimes could be committed against them and nothing would be done about it only because of the color of their skin. The Younger's, by not accepting the check, put their pride before their family's needs. What the family should have done was bit the bullet, kept working, even if their salary wasn't much. With the proper saving, eventually they could move into their dream house. Yes, they have been living in that small, cramped apartment for many years, but what's a few more? This dream deferred would never go away, as it is constantly revisited by every member of the family.

Although not accepting the check was foolish and naive because the family was financially unstable, it's understandable why they did accept it; there are more important things than money. For years and years the Younger Family had been living with minimum wage, barely making ends meet. They lived in a cramped apartment with five people, not to mention the bathroom they were forced to share with the entire floor. One can only get worn out and feel used and old. "Everything has been polished, washed, sat on, used, and scrubbed too often. All pretenses but living itself have long since vanished from the very atmosphere of this room" (Hansberry 23-25). This line can be used to compare both the furniture and Ruth. Both have been stuck in a small place, both have no luster left. The Younger's pride and dignity was what stuck them together and protected each other. Mama is the family stone, holding everyone together. For her, religion was a way of life. It is what helped her find her path. Religion kept Mama full of hope and optimism and that´s what she used to keep the family moving forward. She helps them see that there are obstacles, but together as one, they can overcome anything.

Unity is very important in this book, in this family; it’s the glue that holds everyone together. They made the choice to reject Mr. Lindner's offer as a family, which only brought them together even more. To accept Mr. Lindner's offer to buy back the house with interest, although being the best choice for the family, would kill the only pride they have left. Their self-esteem would plummet and limit their hope. The house they put a down payment for was the symbol of their pride and success. It represented everything they fought for, everything they risked, and every time they felt like giving up. For the Younger Family, that house is the American Dream.

The 1950´s were a time of racial segregation and discrimination. Many acts, movements and laws were made either for or against these actions of prejudice. "The Jim Crow was a system of laws and customs that enforced racial segregation and discrimination throughout the United States, especially in the South, from the late 19th century through the 1960´s. There was also the case of Plessy vs. Ferguson whose famous slogan stated "separate but equal" which referred to public places like diners being separate in race, but equal in cleanliness, order, service, etc. ("Segregation." Segregation. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Dec. 2012)." A Raisin in the Sun is based on this. Many times in the play, there are scenes where color was separated. Jobs and salaries also depended on race. Walter was a chauffeur for a white man, which was downgrading and inferior, he went to a colored bar, etc. Race was separated practically everywhere, including neighborhoods, hence, the whole conflict with Mr. Lindner. This fact alone would tempt the Younger´s to purchase the house. They wanted to prove to the whites, but most importantly, to themselves that they were just as good as the rest and that they weren´t going to let something like the color of their skin influence their decision of moving into the house of their dreams. It all adds together with the family´s pride. Their mentality was: why accept Mr. Linder´s offer when all it is going to do was make you feel inferior to the whites? The family didn´t think about their future problems; they didn´t plan ahead. If they can barely afford their apartment, how can they afford a house in a nice neighborhood? The only reason they thought of buying a house was because of the check they received, but what happens when the money runs out? Beneatha may have to leave her education; Mama would need to get a job at her age, and Walter and Ruth double shifts.

Many African Americans were thriving to make a change in society. People like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. peacefully made others hear what they have to say through their actions. The African American public was fighting for racial equality and their rights. Martin Luther King Jr is known for the bus boycott:"The bus boycott would be 382 days of walking to work, harassment, violence and intimidation for the Montgomery's African-American community. Both King's and E.D. Nixon's homes were attacked. But the African-American community also took legal action against the city ordinance arguing that it was unconstitutional based on the Supreme Court's "separate is never equal" decision in Brown v. Board of Education. After being defeated in several lower court rulings and suffering large financial losses, the city of Montgomery lifted the law mandating segregated public transportation (Martin Luther King Jr. Biography." Bio.com. A&E Networks Television, n.d. Web. 19 Dec. 2012.)."The Younger´s without knowing it proved to the white neighborhood/society that they were no different than the rest. They went against what was customary of the African American public because of their honor and beliefs. They subliminally followed in the footsteps of those before them that fought for racial equality.

To summarize, the Younger Family although understandable the reason, did wrong by accepting Mr. Lindner´s offer to buy back their dream house with interest. They were blinded by their dignity and did not plan for the upcoming financial obstacles. One tends to do whatever they must for their happiness, but this seems almost impossible. A small apartment for five people was barely affordable. When Walter Lee gave Willy the $6,500 check in hopes of opening a liquor store and not even thinking about Beneatha or any other family member, he did not realize that Willy was blinded with greed and pride as well. That threw away their only chance of having little to no problems with maintaining the house. However, since the money was long gone, the only thing in their near future is financial struggle. Everyone would have to make certain sacrifices, meaning more jobs and labor, including maybe Travis, and much more exhaustion. The tension would only build and break the family´s only hope of remaining a family, their unity. Without knowing it, the Younger´s made a difference in society.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay exhibits good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt, which is whether or not the Younger family made a mistake by not taking Linder's money. (“The Younger Family strongly believes unity and love prevail over money and conformity. However, the family did wrong by not accepting Mr. Lindner's offer because they can't afford it.”) The writer deftly addresses a counterargument in the beginning of the essay, followed by a succinct refutation.

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot of A Raisin in the Sun , which connects the essay question to the text. ( “The situation the Younger's were in, where Walter lost the $6,500, their dream house is just not possible. The ‘right’ thing to do would have been to hold off the dream a little longer, until they had enough funds to move in.”)

The details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea while also acknowledging competing views about the topic. ( “Although not accepting the check was foolish and naive because the family was financially unstable, it's understandable why they did accept it; there are more important things than money.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“The house they put a down payment for was the symbol of their pride and success. It represented everything they fought for, everything they risked, and every time they felt like giving up. For the Younger Family, that house is the American Dream.”) The writer identifies the symbolic significance of the house in A Raisin in the Sun and its connection to the Younger family’s American Dream.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. The writer shrewdly identifies the theme topic of “unity” as the underlying detail that has motivated the Younger family toward making a poor yet unified decision. (“Unity is very important in this book, in this family; it’s the glue that holds everyone together. They made the choice to reject Mr. Lindner's offer as a family, which only brought them together even more.”)

The essay includes quotations from the text that support the notion that the Younger family’s need to improve their socio-economic situation. (“One can only get worn out and feel used and old. ‘Everything has been polished, washed, sat on, used, and scrubbed too often. All pretenses but living itself have long since vanished from the very atmosphere of this room’ (Hansberry 23-25). This line can be used to compare both the furniture and Ruth. Both have been stuck in a small place, both have no luster left.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by including a question in order to convey the central theme within A Raisin in the Sun. (“ How far are people willing to go to defend their dignity and honor? Does it have a price?”)

The writer uses “Five Dollar” transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank , such as “ hence,” to adequately connect ideas.

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay well. ( “However, since the money was long gone, the only thing in their near future is financial struggle. Everyone would have to make certain sacrifices, meaning more jobs and labor, including maybe Travis, and much more exhaustion. The tension would only build and break the family´s only hope of remaining a family, their unity.”) Undoubtedly, because the writer asks the audience predict the future of the Younger family, the conclusion effectively leaves the readers thinking about the fate of the characters’ household.

Language Use & Style

There is good language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. He/she also uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer’s use of historical context strengthens the formal tone and language, which is consistently found throughout the literary analysis. (“Many African Americans were thriving to make a change in society. People like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. peacefully made others hear what they have to say through their actions.”)

Compound-complex sentences are used effectively. (“ Race was separated practically everywhere, including neighborhoods, hence, the whole conflict with Mr. Lindner.”)

Sentences are varied in order to keep the readers engaged in the text. (“ Race was separated practically everywhere, including neighborhoods, hence, the whole conflict with Mr. Lindner. This fact alone would tempt the Younger´s to purchase the house.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is good control of conventions and mechanics. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling do not interfere with the message.

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. Sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, and sentences use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“They subliminally followed in the footsteps of those before them that fought for racial equality.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Younger family should have taken the money and moved. I think they would have been better off taking Lindner's money for the following reasons: Taking the money would make the family's pursuit of the American dream much easier, which, in my opinion is happiness. Moving into the house would cause more problems than the boost in pride is worth. Also, the family cannot afford the house and other necessities. Overall their quality of life would be better if they had taken the money.

Throughout the play, a major point of discussion is that everyone in the Younger family has dreams. Owning a nice house may have been the dream of the family as a whole, but their individual dreams were more preeminent. Walter wanted to start his own business. Ruth, Walter's wife, wanted the house. Walter's sister, Beneatha, wanted to go to college. Her dreams of becoming a doctor are the most altruistic. She says, “I never got over that… …That that was what one person could do for another, fix him up—set up the problem, make him all right again. That was the most marvelous thing in the world…I wanted to do that. I always that it was the one concrete thing in the world that a human being could do. Fix up the sick, you know—and make them whole again. …I wanted to cure. It used to be so important to me. I wanted to cure. It use to matter. I use to care.” By staying in the home, Beneatha's dream of continuing college would be forfeited. This is especially tragic because her aspiration of finishing college would be fruitful for the family over the years. I think her goal of a college degree is also the most practical of all their aspirations. Forfeiting her dream negatively affects her as well generations to come. The mother of Walter and Beneatha wanted the house, but also wanted to support everyone's dream. Had they taken the money for the house, the whole family could have salvaged their individual dreams.

The benefit of purchasing the home would be outweighed by the problems caused by purchasing the home. Walter wanted to move into the home to take advantage of an opportunity that his father did not have. However, there were many problems associated with this decision. First, they could barely afford the home. Mama says to Walter how hard the older Mr. Younger had to work for money: “I seen…him…night after night…come in …and look at that rug…and then look at me…the red showing in his eyes…the veins moving in his head…I seen him grow thin and old before he was forty…working and working and working like somebody’s old horse…killing himself…and you—you give it all away in a day--.” The amount of the payments left them with very little money to take care of other necessities such as education and transportation. Second, the white community is very hostile to the black Younger family's presence. Kartl Linder, the Clyboourne Park’s “welcoming committee” asks the Youngers, : “What do you think you think you are going to gain by moving into a neighborhood where you just aren’t wanted and where some elements—well—people can get awful worked up when they feel that their whole way of life and everything they’ve ever worked for is threatened.” Such hostility could be a safety issue for the family. These issues would make their environment in the new neighborhood unpleasant.

The Younger family should have taken the money and used it to fulfill their dreams and the American dream which is ultimately happiness. They could have had a more affordable nice house elsewhere. By refusing the money, they traded their dreams for a potentially miserable existence. I think that their decision to decline the money amounts to several dreams deferred.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“The Younger family should have taken the money and moved.”)

The writer adequately uses details that relate to the theme of the story, attaining the American Dream, including specific information about the characters’ motivations. (“Owning a nice house may have been the dream of the family as a whole, but their individual dreams were more preeminent. Walter wanted to start his own business. Ruth, Walter's wife, wanted the house. Walter's sister, Beneatha, wanted to go to college.”)

Although the writer parses out his/her thesis statement into a list, the sentence group states the supporting ideas of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“I think they would have been better off taking Lindner's money for the following reasons: Taking the money would make the family's pursuit of the American dream much easier, which, in my opinion is happiness. Moving into the house would cause more problems than the boost in pride is worth. Also, the family cannot afford the house and other necessities.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes adequate details that relate to the theme of the story, which is the concept that one must work hard to prosper in order to achieve the American Dream. (“Mama says to Walter how hard the older Mr. Younger had to work for money: ‘I seen…him…night after night…come in …and look at that rug…and then look at me…the red showing in his eyes…the veins moving in his head…I seen him grow thin and old before he was forty…working and working and working like somebody’s old horse…killing himself…and you—you give it all away in a day--.’”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Kartl Linder, the Clyboourne Park’s ‘welcoming committee’ asks the Youngers, : ‘What do you think you think you are going to gain by moving into a neighborhood where you just aren’t wanted and where some elements—well—people can get awful worked up when they feel that their whole way of life and everything they’ve ever worked for is threatened.’ Such hostility could be a safety issue for the family. These issues would make their environment in the new neighborhood unpleasant.”) Certainly, the essay includes quotations about Karl Linder, the drama’s antagonist, which supports the writer’s point of view.

The essay uses adequate details from the drama A Raisin in the Sun to make inferences about the consequences of the characters decisions, which ultimately supports his/her argument. (“By staying in the home, Beneatha's dream of continuing college would be forfeited.”)

Organization

There is adequate organization. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. ( “I think they would have been better off taking Lindner's money for the following reasons: Taking the money would make the family's pursuit of the American dream much easier, which, in my opinion is happiness. Moving into the house would cause more problems than the boost in pride is worth. Also, the family cannot afford the house and other necessities. Overall their quality of life would be better if they had taken the money.”)

“Quarter” and “Dollar” transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank, such as “first” and “however,” are adequately used between paragraphs or between sentences. (“ However, there were many problems associated with this decision. First, they could barely afford the home.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion. The projective conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay and predicts the future outcome of the Younger family’s choices. (“By refusing the money, they traded their dreams for a potentially miserable existence.”)

Language Use & Style

There is adequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice, and generally correct sentence structure with some variety.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied to keep the readers engaged in the text. (“The Younger family should have taken the money and used it to fulfill their dreams and the American dream which is ultimately happiness. They could have had a more affordable nice house elsewhere.”)

Specific words such as “dream deferred” and “American dream,” from the research and the prompt task, are used adequately. (“ I think that their decision to decline the money amounts to several dreams deferred.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as the use of the personal pronoun “I,” which creates a tone of informality in the essay. (“ I think her goal of a college degree is also the most practical of all their aspirations.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is adequate control of conventions and mechanics. Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation and spelling do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence begins with a capital letter, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, and that new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks. The writer should also check for the correct spelling of chosen words. ( “ Kartl Linder, the Clyboourne Park’s ‘welcoming committee’ asks the Youngers, : ‘What do you think you think you are going to gain by moving into a neighborhood where you just aren’t wanted and where some elements—well—people can get awful worked up when they feel that their whole way of life and everything they’ve ever worked for is threatened.’”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The rasin in the sun and American Dream is a play that is based off of an African American family who is in need of money, a situation between relationships, and family. A lot of decisions come in that they have to make. One decision that this young family had to make was to take Linder's money or not. The family did not want to take his money because Mr., Linder came off insulting to the family. Even though he is very polite, and somewhat shy, timid.

I think that the family made the right decision of not taking the offer from Mr., Linder. though he doesn't think he is being critical to the family, he sounded foolish to me. The reason why he came off offensive to the family was because he thinks that they should move to neighborhood that is filled with all white family's. This is very concerning to the young family because they would be the only African American family in that neighborhood. But the way Mr., Linder brought up the idea was not the brightest idea.

My reaction would be the exact same as Walter's only because i wouldn't want a guy coming in to my house and criticizing me in the shy way which make things stir the pot. Mr., Linder is kinda pushing and forcing them to say yes to his decision. But he never seems to take no for an answer. In Act 3, he would always come barging in to their house and asking and pleading them for a "yes".

In Conclusion, My purpose was to explain the situation that went on in this American Dream play. The decision that this family had to make, disagreeing with each other, Relationships that sometimes went to the extreme. This was to show what discussion would have been better for the family. Whether they made a good or terrible decision. In my case, im glad they said no to Mr., Linder because i wouldn't want to be criticized for my own race. People need to also know that they need to take no for an answer even if it doesn't concern them.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is limited focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the drama, including specific information about characters. (“The reason why he came off offensive to the family was because he thinks that they should move to neighborhood that is filled with all white family's.”) The writer references the unpleasant remarks of the character, Karl Linder, to emphasize the importance of the Younger family’s decision to move to a new, “all white” neighborhood.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“I think that the family made the right decision of not taking the offer from Mr., Linder.”) Although the writer states a position on whether not taking Linder's money or letting Linder buy back the house is the better decision, there is no elaboration, which would provide context for the supporting paragraphs that follow the introductory paragraph.

The writing style is not always appropriate for the audience. The use of the personal pronoun “I” creates a tone of informality in the essay. (“My reaction would be the exact same as Walter's only because i wouldn't want a guy coming in to my house and criticizing me in the shy way which make things stir the pot.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific, accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the characters that connect the essay question to the text. (“Mr., Linder is kinda pushing and forcing them to say yes to his decision. But he never seems to take no for an answer. In Act 3, he would always come barging in to their house and asking and pleading them for a ‘yes’.”) Although the writer does allude to some assertive actions taken by the character of Mr. Linder within the play, the paragraph would be strengthened with specific details or quotes from the drama itself. This would help the writer illustrate his/her main idea.

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“My reaction would be the exact same as Walter's only because i wouldn't want a guy coming in to my house and criticizing me in the shy way which make things stir the pot.”) Although the readers may make an inference about the character’s reaction within the drama, the writer should use more concrete details to support his/her analysis.

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“The decision that this family had to make, disagreeing with each other, Relationships that sometimes went to the extreme. This was to show what discussion would have been better for the family.”) The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate each main idea.

Organization

There is limited organization. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, and the essay lacks paragraphing and effective transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic and attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“The rasin in the sun and American Dream is a play that is based off of an African American family who is in need of money, a situation between relationships, and family.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are limited. (“ In Conclusion, My purpose was to explain the situation that went on in this American Dream play.”) Using more transitional devices (first, second, third, next, for example, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The essay demonstrates evidence of a strong conclusion. ( “People need to also know that they need to take no for an answer even if it doesn't concern them.”) The end of the essay uses a reflective conclusion and attempts to provide insight, which has come about from writing the essay.

Language Use & Style

There is limited use of language and style. The writer demonstrates simple language use, and some awareness of audience and control of voice, but relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are fragments within the essay. (“Even though he is very polite, and somewhat shy, timid.”)

The writer uses the same group of words to begin sentences in the essay. (“My reaction…My Purpose…”) The repetition and informality detracts from the effectiveness of the writing.

Exact words are missing. (“This was to show what discussion would have been better for the family. Whether they made a good or terrible decision. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of conventions and mechanics. The essay contains several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. The writer should also indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks and check spelling of chosen words. (“im glad they said no to Mr., Linder because i wouldn't want to be criticized for my own race.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

in the play, A Raisin In The Sun by Lorraine Hansbury, Walter Lee Younger and his family are faced with a situation where they can recieve plenty amount of money. However, they must stay away from living in a neighborhood where they aren't welcomed.

otherwisse, they must try to pursue each and every one's dreams by starting with living in the house they bought.they should try to not care what others think and let them run their lives.

In my opinion I think that Walter and the rest of his family did the right decision by going with what they wanted. they want not have to let people who don't have the right to do so let them do whatever they wanted just because it would make their neighborhood look 'bad.'

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is minimal focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In my opinion I think that Walter and the rest of his family did the right decision by going with what they wanted.”) Although the writer provides a position about the topic, the statement only partially connects to the central idea.

The writer uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the American Dream and the Younger family’s ability to attain it. (“otherwisse, they must try to pursue each and every one's dreams by starting with living in the house they bought.”) Utilizing specific and accurate evidence from the text would strengthen the writer’s argument.

The essay only includes a few minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“in the play, A Raisin In The Sun by Lorraine Hansbury, Walter Lee Younger and his family are faced with a situation where they can recieve plenty amount of money. However, they must stay away from living in a neighborhood where they aren't welcomed.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“they want not have to let people who don't have the right to do so let them do whatever they wanted just because it would make their neighborhood look 'bad.'”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“…they must try to pursue each and every one's dreams by starting with living in the house they bought.”) However, there is little elaboration that follows the thesis, which would help to provide context for the readers.

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“…Walter and the rest of his family did the right decision by going with what they wanted.”)

Organization

There is minimal organization. The writer demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“ in the play, A Raisin In The Sun by Lorraine Hansbury, Walter Lee Younger and his family are faced with a situation where they can recieve plenty amount of money.”)

T ransitional devices are used to help connect ideas. In some cases, however, they are used inappropriately. (“ otherwisse, they must try to pursue each and every one's dreams by starting with living in the house they bought.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. ( “they want not have to let people who don't have the right to do so let them do whatever they wanted just because it would make their neighborhood look 'bad.'”)

Language Use & Style

There is minimal language use and style. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, with little awareness of audience, and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. ( “they want not have to let people who don't have the right to do so let them do whatever they wanted just because it would make their neighborhood look 'bad.'”) The style is not formal. (“ they should try to not care what others think and let them run their lives.”) Changing voice from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer.

The writer’s vague sentences and word choice do not effectively communicate the purpose to the intended audience. (“ In my opinion I think that Walter and the rest of his family did the right decision by going with what they wanted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is minimal control of conventions and mechanics. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words should be checked. (“otherwisse, they must try to pursue each and every one's dreams by starting with living in the house they bought.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.

because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.

I think that my dision would help out with racesim and things like that like if they would of taken the money maybe they would have been called cowards by there friends.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning are inadequate. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of whether or not taking Linder's money or letting Linder buy back the house was the better decision in A Raisin in the Sun . (“I think that my dision would help out with racesim and things like that like if they would of taken the money maybe they would have been called cowards by there friends.”)

The essay includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is inadequate. (“I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.”) The statement leaves the readers wondering who “the people” are, and why the Youngers need to prove that they are “good nabiors.”

Content & Development

There is inadequate or no content and development. The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“I think that my dision would help out with racesim and things like that like if they would of taken the money maybe they would have been called cowards by there friends.”)

Organization

There is inadequate or no organization. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay does not grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. The first sentence of the introduction does not include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.” ) In fact, t he introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about.

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. ( “because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, for example, third, next, in addition, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion is inadequate and leaves the readers with questions about the main points of the essay. ( “I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.”)

Language Use & Style

There is inadequate language use and style. The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are fragments within the essay . (“because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.”)

Exact words are missing. (“I think that my dision would help out with racesim and things like that like if they would of taken the money maybe they would have been called cowards by there friends.”)

The style is not formal. ( “I think that it was a good idea that they didnt take the money and moved into the house insted so that they can show the people that they can be good nabiors.”) Changing voice from first person to third person would make the purpose and audience clearer.

Mechanics & Conventions

There is inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence begins with a capital letter, has a subject and a verb (an action), and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. New paragraphs should be indicated with the use of line breaks, and the spelling of chosen words should be checked. (“because if they would have taken the money they mite not of moved out of that apartment.”)

“The Hiking Trip”

In the story "The Hiking Trip," the reader learns about the main character, Jeff. Jeff's personality and emotions are revealed through the actions and dialog presented in the story. Write an essay in which you describe the personality and emotions of Jeff, the main character. How do his personal characteristics add to the events in the story? How does the author reveal this information about Jeff in the story? Use details and examples from the story to support your ideas.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Hiking Trip" is a story of a young boy who had to learn how to put his fears aside and concentrate on something more important, saving his brother. When Jeff is told to hike back to the campsite by himself to help his brother, he hesitates because he is scared. He is too caught up in his own fears to consider his brother’s danger. It took some time to get his priorities straight, but once he realized that the only thing that mattered was his brother, he set forth with determination and left everything else aside. He had a job to do, and he was going to complete it. The author of "Hiking Trip" shows, Jeff’s various personalities and emotions, and how his moods affect him, his actions, and the people surrounding him, through a gradual process to show that when put into a serious situation, people can change for the better.

"I never wanted to come on this stupid old hiking trip anyway!"

"This is hard on you, son, I know. But you've got to come through with courage and a level head."

"But I'm scared! I don't even want to have courage!" In the beginning, Jeff is selfish. He does not stop complaining about how scared he is. He can only think of his fears. He ignores the fact that his brother is in danger. Then, he starts to realize that his brother is more important to him. He knows that he will have to set his fears a side, and he does. When he is going back to the campsite, all he can think about is his brother. He is scared now, but not because he is alone, but because his brother might be in pain. Once he reaches the road and lets Bob, the man who picked up Jeff from the side of the road, know that his brother is hurt, he feels a sense of relief and anticipation. He is relieved that help is going to his brother, but he is anticipating his health. He wakes up to find that he, his father, and brother are all safe because of his actions. He feels a sense of pride. He was a hero.

"Can't stop,’ he thought. ‘Mark’s in big trouble. Gotta keep going."

Jeff never gives up because he keeps telling himself that he cannot stop. His determination helps him remain strong. In the beginning, when he is too afraid to go help his brother, his bad attitude is making him less confidant to himself. His father starts to worry more that Mark won't be saved. When Jeff decides to go help his brother, his father is relieved and proud. Because of this situation, Jeff became a better person. He now knows his priorities. He feels confidant in himself as well.

The author uses a gradual process to show how Jeff’s character changes for the better. His character changes subtly, not abruptly. The author does not want any sudden changes because a person cannot change over night. It takes time. In the beginning, he is a stubborn, self-centered boy who is too caught up in himself rather than the people around him. In the end, he is changed. He became a smart young boy who only cared about his family. He did not care what would happen to him, just as long as his family and the people he loved were safe.

Through an almost tragic ordeal, a young boy grew up and matured. It seemed as if he finally came to realize what was important to him, family. This story showed that it is not easy to change, but it is not difficult either. It just takes time. Time can heal all wounds, it can also heal and transform someone into a better person. This story proved that.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response presents the reader with an in-depth analysis of the text, making insightful connections among the task, ideas in the text, and literary elements through a controlling central idea. Notice also the wisdom evident in the author’s conclusion: “This story showed that it is not easy to change, but it is not difficult either. It just takes time.”

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops the ideas supporting the central thesis fully and artfully. The quotes taken from the text provide accurate support for the author’s thesis. Notice the change in the character made apparent by the use of the following two citations: from "I never wanted to come on this stupid old hiking trip anyway!” to “’Can't stop,’ he thought. ‘Mark’s in big trouble. Gotta keep going’."

Organization

This response presents the reader with a cohesive and unified structure, including an engaging introduction and a though- provoking conclusion. Quotes from the text serve as helpful transitions from one paragraph to the next.

Language Use & Style

This response shows very effective language use and style, with artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The sentences are, for the most part, well structured and varied. The vocabulary used is appropriate to the task and guides the reader through a thoughtful interpretation of the text.

Mechanics & Conventions

Virtually error-free, this response shows evidence of the author’s attention to the use of proper grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story “The Hiking Trip”, the main character Jeff, is put through a difficult task. His task was to go to the town called Flint in order to find help for his brother and father. Both is father and his brother were in need of rescue, but Mark, Jeff’s seventeen year old brother needed it the most. Earlier in the camp, Mark was bitten by a snake and had to get to a hospital as soon as possible. Through this journey, a lot of personalities and emotions of Jeff were revealed. Also, these characteristics add to the events in the story. Although, the author most likely reveals these characteristics, by the way the other characters talk to Jeff and by the way these characters describe his as well.

Jeff is a young boy that in the beginning gets frighten by the situation he is forced to be in. Although he is scared on what may occur, he is willing to become couragious and do what is required to do in order to save Mark’s life. Through this journey, he reveals that he is determined, loving, brave and yet very afraid. Jeff was brave in every aspect, because not only did he feared on weather or not he was capable of accomplishing his goal but also he feared for the survival of his brother. Therefore, Jeff was brave.

His characteristics add to the events that occured because if he would had refussed to go to Flint , Mark might had not survived. Therefore, Jeff characteristics were very important in this story. His characteristics led to the survival of both Mark and his father. At the end he becomes a hero because he was capable of overcoming his fear and replacing it with love.

Throughout the story, the author never reveals Jeff’s characteristics, instead he allows the other characters to do so. For example, when Jeff’s dad tells him that he understands that Jeff is scared but he soon has to overcome that for the love towards his brother. Also, he tells Jeff at the end that he is a hero. Jeff’s characteristics are also revealed by his actions. Although Jeff knew he was tired, in pain and could no longer go on, he walked until he found the city of Flint . There he was able to find someone to ask for help.

Overall, this story is about the couragious actions of a boy named Jeff. Through this story the characteristics of Jeff were revealed. Also, his characteristics had a major effect on the story. Although, the author did not tell us the characteristics of Jeff in a direct form, they were still revealed. In conclusion, this story demonstrates on how important it is to overcome fear for love.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In general, this response presents a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements. It could be improved, however, by including more direct references to the text to support the author’s thesis.

Content & Development

In this response, the author develops supporting ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. Some elements of the author’s analysis are worth noting. The author claims, for example, “Throughout the story, the author never reveals Jeff’s characteristics, instead he allows the other characters to do so.”

Organization

This response demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The author clearly introduces the story, addresses the task, and concludes that “this story demonstrates on how important it is to overcome fear for love.”

Language Use & Style

While the language used in this essay is appropriate and, for the most part, clear, this essay suffers from several run-on and awkward sentences that detract from its overall presentation (“Although, the author most likely reveals these characteristics, by the way the other characters talk to Jeff and by the way these characters describe his as well”).

Mechanics & Conventions

While largely error-free, this response does contain several spelling mistakes, including “refussed" and “couragious," although they do not interfere with the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Hiking trip is a story that revolves around Jeff, his father, and Jeff’s brother Mark. The three went on a camping/hiking trip together, but a snake bit that endangers Marks life turns things astray. Hiking trip then turns into a race to the near-by town Flint , where we see the maturity Jeff goes through.

The story begins with a scared, panicky, and slightly crying Jeff who says “I never wanted to come on this stupid old hiking trip anyway!”. This is a good inside look into Jeffs mindset when under pressure. He tries to ration out his thoughts, and trys to make himself feel better by pointing out it’s not his fault.

Even when his father asks him to have some courage, Jeff ferverently states he doesn’t want courage, and then admits he’s scared.

But we can also see that Jeff is a loving and responsible brother. This is shown then his father tells Jeff that he would probably have to go on ahead because Jeff was younger and more able. Jeff thinks of his brothers condition, and takes all the fear he was wrapped up in and pushes it away to take that responsibility and save his brothers life. The way the author has Jeff so scared, and then think of his brother which eventually convinces him to go on ahead, gives the situation an urgent feel. So it really is a race to save his brother Mark.

Jeff then becomes determined, and all he’ll think about is his need to get Mark help. Even after climbing up the canyon walls, which must of exhausted him, Jeff runs after cars thinking ‘“Can’t stop ... Mark is in big trouble. Gotta keep going”.’ And only when Jeff is in a car and he see’s the driver call for help, does his exhaustion catch up and he blacks out. Jeff then wakes up to his father calling him a hero, but he doesn’t even stop to recognize this, and goes on to ask about his brother’s his fathers condition. This showing a humbler side of Jeff, and his love for his family.

From the crying and relunclant rescuer we see in the begining, to the humble hero at the end Jeff goes through quite an amazing character change.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response shows a basic analysis of the text by the author. Connections among the task and ideas in the text are clear, although the author shows less of an appreciation of the literary elements used in the text. Still, the author does convey the essential meaning of the text in the conclusion: “From the crying and relunclant rescuer we see in the begining, to the humble hero at the end Jeff goes through quite an amazing character change.”

Content & Development

This response develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. At one point, the author does show some insight into the underlying techniques employed in the text: “The way the author has Jeff so scared, and then think of his brother which eventually convinces him to go on ahead, gives the situation an urgent feel. So it really is a race to save his brother Mark.”

Organization

The author demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, although poorly structured sentences and some unclear language occur too frequently and could be improved (“but a snake bit that endangers” and “This showing a humbler side of Jeff, and his love for his family”).

Language Use & Style

In this response, the author creates a generally unified structure with a noticeable, if under-developed, introduction and conclusion.

Mechanics & Conventions

For the most part, the author is able to maintain adequate control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present (“Jeffs mindset” and “Jeff is in a car and he see’s the driver”) that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

in this story i got to read about Jeff, his father, and Mark jeffs older brother. Mark got badly injured due to a snake bite so now Jeff who is not too brave has to step up and help his brother. although Jeff is not the bravest guy he still manages to leave and go find help for his brother. Jeff is kind of timid and scared but when it came down to his brother he had the guts to leave and go find help.

I see Jeff as a scared kid but it only took a few words of encouragement from hi father and headed out looking for help. Although there were obstacles in the way for him he still found a way to find the road and seek for help. Jeff would never be the kind of guy that would do something that scary and risky but he found the brave side in himself and made his dad very proud. Not only he made his dad proud but also saved his brothers life which made him very happy and releafed. Jeff went from beening scared to becoming a hero, I think that Jeff never thought he had it in him to do something this big but at the end i bet he was realy proud of himself.

Im pretty sure that Jeff's feelings changed alot after this incident because of the fact that he just found a whole knew side of him he did not know he had before. When he reunited with his dad in the motel I think he felt really glad it was all over because he can now be with his family again. what kept Jeff so inspired to keep walking when he saw the road was the love he had towards his brother.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

While establishing a limited analysis of the text (“Jeff is not the bravest guy he still manages to leave and go find help for his brother. Jeff is kind of timid and scared but when it came down to his brother he had the guts to leave and go find help.”), the author makes only a few connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary techniques used.

Content & Development

Although some supporting ideas are offered (“Jeff would never be the kind of guy that would do something that scary and risky but he found the brave side in himself and made his dad very proud.”), the response provides limited details and fails to adequately cite the original text for support. No quotes, for example, are used to support the author’s claims about the main character’s emotional development.

Organization

Only a limited organizational structure is identifiable in this essay. The introduction does not grab the reader’s attention. The single body paragraph is not properly structured or focused. The final paragraph is also uncertain. A few transitional devices, however, are noticeable (“Although” and “When he reunited”).

Language Use & Style

Although the language use is quite simple, it is not completely inappropriate for the assigned task. (“Not only he made his dad proud but also saved his brothers life which made him very happy and releafed.”) The response could be greatly improved, however, with greater sentence variety and word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

In this response, the author demonstrates limited control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar, punctuation (“in this story i got to read”), and spelling (“beening”) interfere with the proper communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

“I never wanted to come on this stupid hiking trip anyway!” His voice echoed” This was the attitude of Jeff at the beging, the quote really is self explanitory. Jeff and his father are hiking up a hill to get to the road up top. Jeff really doesn’t want to be there so he’s giving his father a hard time. “Now I don’t know if I can make it without stopping every so often. And we just don’t have time to stop.”

“Jeff flashed back to agonizing scene of his seventeen-year-old brother . he’d been bitten by a snake yesterday .... the pain seemed to be getting worse .... he needed medical attention right away.” This shows a series of Jeff thoughts and previous sights. From the way the author writes Jeff’s thoughts, flash backs, etc. you can tell hes feeling the impact of his brothers pain and suffering.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author establishes a confused and incomplete analysis of the text and makes no insightful connections between the task and the ideas in the text.

Content & Development

This response develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. While several quotes appear in this response, the author is largely unsuccessful in using them to illuminate the main character’s emotional state.

Organization

This response possesses little evidence of a unified structure and lacks a significant introduction or conclusion. Two paragraphs are apparent, but there is no logical connection or transition between them and they do not support the task assigned.

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates poor language use and makes basic errors in sentence structure (“This was the attitude of Jeff at the beging, the quote really is self explanatory”).

Mechanics & Conventions

This response shows that the author has minimal control of the conventions and mechanics of writing. Several significant errors in grammar and spelling detract from the presentation of the author’s message (“This shows a series of Jeff thoughts and previous sights”).

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The hike trip was a cool story about a boy named Jeff who saved his brother Mark. In the begining his attitude sucked. He didn’t want to be there and he thought it was extremely stupid. He seemed to me like he was confused. He was frustrated. In the middle he lightened up torwards his dad. He ended up saving his brother and got read of his attitude. He seemed like a good kid.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Ultimately, this response fails to establish an analysis of the text, makes no connections between the task and ideas in the text, and fails to complete the task assigned.

Content & Development

In this response, the author fails to develop any support for the ideas introduced and makes no meaningful references to events in the text.

Organization

While the author makes time references in the response (“In the begining … In the middle … He ended up”), there is no evidence of a unified structure and the response lacks an introduction and conclusion.

Language Use & Style

This response utilizes unclear and sometimes inappropriate language (“got read of his attitude” and “his attitude sucked”), showing little awareness of the audience. The sentences tend to be short and uninspired (“He seemed like a good kid”).

Mechanics & Conventions

While this response generally maintains correct grammar usage, several spelling errors are present (“begining" and “torwards“).

The Merits of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

The novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has become quite controversial over time. Some parents and teachers find the demeaning language and situations in the novel disturbing. Others, however, believe the novel is a powerful commentary about society at the time it was written. Due to this controversy, your local school board has decided to review the novel to decide whether it ought to remain in the curriculum.

Do you think that the novel should be removed from the curriculum? Write a persuasive essay in which you examine the literary value of the novel and take a stand on this controversial issue. Be sure to support your position with well-reasoned arguments and meaningful references to the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the society we live in, we are at a constant battle trying to protect the purity of our youth by trying not to expose them to the vulgarity of the community. We protect our youth by censoring certain ideas of having to read such a great novel like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . The perspective of the reader must be that the book is not necessarily a racist account of the past. If that had been the case, chapters would be ripped out of history books and even there, the history books present fact, not necessarily opinion. Huck Finn is only slightly different in that it provides satire, in which the institution of slavery is lashed out at and put down as evil. Only through experience and believable characters and situations does the satire of Mark Twain and factuality of slavery come together in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to show how slavery and, essentially, racism, are wicked parts of our past, and sadly, our present.

Many parents believe that the novel written by Mark Twain should be banned because it contained a “grotesque example of racist trash." However, Mark Twain's use of language and dialect in the novel helped him bring about the overall feel that he conveyed throughout the book, allowing him to show Huck Finn's attitudes and beliefs concerning the nature of education, slavery, and family values. As the story begins, Huck is portrayed as a young boy who is not very educated nor wishes to be. Huck’s moral values were not only the product of his ignorance, but there is a relation between Huck's attitude and his father’s attitude when Huck confronts him. Pap is disgusted at the way Huck is becoming more civilized as he tells Huck “...they say you can read and write. You think you re better n your father, now don t you, because he can t?” (19). Maybe this statement shows Huck in disgust by not following the moral values of his father or is it because Pap is just jealous of Huck?

When Huck helps Jim, it showed his feelings about slavery when he tried to help him escape. The uniqueness about Huck is that he saw beneath the color of a person s skin and saw the person that was truly there. Jim was the only person that Huck could trust besides Tom Sawyer. He felt that slavery was a cruel injustice because he had the opportunity to know Jim and found out that there was more to him than just being a slave. Huck found out that Jim was just a human being like himself. Mark Twain subtly indicated his own feeling about slavery that existed in the South by using Huck as an example. One thing that bothered most parents was the word nigger being used frequently. Parents felt that the term was demeaning and felt that it was a dangerous word to be in a novel. A novel which kids would read and would probably influence them to saying that grotesque example of racist trash." As we all know, the term nigger was used by everyone in the past because it described blacks to be one. Stereotypes in his portrayal of the character Jim, excessive use of the racial slur nigger, and a paternalistic attitude toward African Americans are among the charges made against Twain. So what was wrong with using such word in the novel when that is how people used to speak about certain individuals? Mark Twain wanted to express the way people talked in the past by writing it in his novel. He wanted people to get a clear idea of how satire one could be.

As the story moves on, there was a bigger controversy when Huck said “I’d rather go to hell” (214). It made people inferior because of the religious beliefs that certain individuals had. The way such a young boy spoke made some parents feel offended because of the term hell which made it seem as if Huck was instantly referring to Satan. By mentioning this in the novel, Mark Twain wanted to say that slavery was very evil because hell is the place where a moral Huck Finn would go. Obviously, Satan isn't the good guy, but that’s one of the most extreme examples of satire ever written. The entire novel consists of satire and it should not be taken literally if you are an educated person.

Parents should not be concerned so much about this novel being read by their children because all Mark Twain wants his readers to realize are the morals, and the satire to end racism. When parents say their concerns about banning the book it makes other people realize that maybe it should be banned, but they don’t see the lesson being taught underneath all the demeaning language and situations in the novel. Parents should think deeper when they read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn since they are not thinking hard enough to see the literary worth of this novel to students. However, this novel should only be read by students who are in middle school and in high school because it gives the students a clear idea of what a good novel is. A novel that contains all literary worth and it can broaden their way of thinking about the real world. Also, something to consider about parents being concerned about this novel was probably the fact that they are scared of what the past contained. They are scared that their children will have that knowledge of their ancestors or the past.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn must remain in the classrooms throughout the country. It is intellectual not only for African Americans, but for anyone sitting in an American literature survey course. Twain brings into schools what all of us in this country desperately need, yet fear, most about discussions about race, racial stereotypes, interracial relations, and ultimately true and unadulterated racial equality. Many still fear these things because they are afraid of the past and they are not so sure about what to feel towards these issues. So to answer the question should the novel be censored? No it shouldn’t be censored. Why? Mainly because a novel should not be changed from what the author originally meant to write it. Revising the novel would kill the author’s masterpiece and it would kill the thrill and the lesson of the story. A novel should never be censored from their original context because it is not necessary. If parents want a great novel such as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to be banned, then they are talking nonsense since it contains a work of a great author with his own lessons underneath the controversy over the literary worth.

In terms of how we want to protect our youth today, don’t you think that protecting our youth should start by learning good manners from home first? Before parents argue that they want to protect the youth by banning such a marvelous novel they should look at how they are raising their children first. All Mark Twain wanted his readers to realize was the morals underneath all the demeaning usage of words. The way he expressed those morals were through satire. Educated individuals know the difference between satire and racism. An individual who does not know how to take a good joke very well should not read this novel because that certain individual will think too hard and just make it harder for them. A very good saying that is very good to use to describe this novel is “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” That quote should always remain within the reader when reading a novel like Huck Finn . Many people should not judge a book by its cover without knowing the content. To judge a book without knowing the content is not a very smart thing to do because when a good novel is judged the wrong way, people start to think. It hides the morals and this is where the stereotypes come in to play.

Speaking of stereotypes, there are a lot of individuals like John Wallace, an educator, who considered the novel racist trash because he felt that the expression “Nigger Jim” expresses racism. He claims that the novel is teaching racism into schools, and he also claims that black children will take this novel literally. John Wallace also stated that this novel was written for adult entertainment, not irony. If that was the case then Meshach Taylor, an actor, asserted that the novel is one of the best indictments out there. In his offense about the term nigger, he declared that it was the way people spoke at the time the novel was written. His allegations about this novel take a certain level of sophistication to be able to understand.

Overall, the novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , should remain in the curriculum because it is worth the read. An individual can learn a lot from the novel because it contains a lesson and has a lot of good morals. It makes people think twice about being a stereotype and it makes people think deeper. An educated person would enjoy this novel and for those who are educated, but wants to ban it should read it again and make sure that they are reading it word for word and understanding the true meaning of the novel.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay maintains very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the novel and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“In the society we live in, we are at a constant battle trying to protect the purity of our youth by trying not to expose them to the vulgarity of the community. We protect our youth by censoring certain ideas of having to read such a great novel like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . The perspective of the reader must be that the book is not necessarily a racist account of the past. If that had been the case, chapters would be ripped out of history books and even there, the history books present fact, not necessarily opinion. Huck Finn is only slightly different in that it provides satire, in which the institution of slavery is lashed out at and put down as evil. Only through experience and believable characters and situations does the satire of Mark Twain and factuality of slavery come together in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to show how slavery and, essentially, racism, are wicked parts of our past, and sadly, our present.”)

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“Parents should not be concerned so much about this novel being read by their children because all Mark Twain wants his readers to realize are the morals, and the satire to end racism. When parents say their concerns about banning the book it makes other people realize that maybe it should be banned, but they don’t see the lesson being taught underneath all the demeaning language and situations in the novel. Parents should think deeper when they read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn since they are not thinking hard enough to see the literary worth of this novel to students.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Many parents believe that the novel written by Mark Twain should be banned because it contained a ‘grotesque example of racist trash.’ However, Mark Twain's use of language and dialect in the novel helped him bring about the overall feel that he conveyed throughout the book, allowing him to show Huck Finn's attitudes and beliefs concerning the nature of education, slavery, and family values.”)

Content & Development

This essay exhibits very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the novel.

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“As the story begins, Huck is portrayed as a young boy who is not very educated nor wishes to be. Huck s moral values were not only the product of his ignorance, but there is a relation between Huck's attitude and his father’s attitude when Huck confronts him. Pap is disgusted at the way Huck is becoming more civilized as he tells Huck ‘...they say you can read and write. You think you re better n your father, now don t you, because he can’t?’ (19). Maybe this statement shows Huck in disgust by not following the moral values of his father or is it because Pap is just jealous of Huck?”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“ The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn must remain in the classrooms throughout the country. It is intellectual not only for African Americans, but for anyone sitting in an American literature survey course. Twain brings into schools what all of us in this country desperately need, yet fear, most about discussions about race, racial stereotypes, interracial relations, and ultimately true and unadulterated racial equality. Many still fear these things because they are afraid of the past and they are not so sure about what to feel towards these issues. So to answer the question should the novel be censored? No it shouldn’t be censored. Why? Mainly because a novel should not be changed from what the author originally meant to write it. Revising the novel would kill the author’s masterpiece and it would kill the thrill and the lesson of the story.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea very effectively. (“Parents should not be concerned so much about this novel being read by their children because all Mark Twain wants his readers to realize are the morals, and the satire to end racism. When parents say their concerns about banning the book it makes other people realize that maybe it should be banned, but they don’t see the lesson being taught underneath all the demeaning language and situations in the novel. Parents should think deeper when they read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn since they are not thinking hard enough to see the literary worth of this novel to students. However, this novel should only be read by students who are in middle school and in high school because it gives the students a clear idea of what a good novel is. A novel that contains all literary worth and it can broaden their way of thinking about the real world. Also, something to consider about parents being concerned about this novel was probably the fact that they are scared of what the past contained. They are scared that their children will have that knowledge of their ancestors or the past.”)

Organization

This essay is very effectively organized. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction includes very effective background information about the topic. (“ In the society we live in, we are at a constant battle trying to protect the purity of our youth by trying not to expose them to the vulgarity of the community. We protect our youth by censoring certain ideas of having to read such a great novel like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . The perspective of the reader must be that the book is not necessarily a racist account of the past. If that had been the case, chapters would be ripped out of history books and even there, the history books present fact, not necessarily opinion. Huck Finn is only slightly different in that it provides satire, in which the institution of slavery is lashed out at and put down as evil. Only through experience and believable characters and situations does the satire of Mark Twain and factuality of slavery come together in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to show how slavery and, essentially, racism, are wicked parts of our past, and sadly, our present.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ As the story moves on, there was a bigger controversy when Huck said ‘I’d rather go to hell’ (214). … Overall, the novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , should remain in the curriculum because it is worth the read.”)

The conclusion very effectively teaches readers a lesson. (“ Overall, the novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , should remain in the curriculum because it is worth the read. An individual can learn a lot from the novel because it contains a lesson and has a lot of good morals. It makes people think twice about being a stereotype and it makes people think deeper. An educated person would enjoy this novel and for those who are educated, but wants to ban it should read it again and make sure that they are reading it word for word and understanding the true meaning of the novel.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective language use and style are clear to the readers of this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay regarding the use of complex sentences. (“ In the society we live in, we are at a constant battle trying to protect the purity of our youth by trying not to expose them to the vulgarity of the community. We protect our youth by censoring certain ideas of having to read such a great novel like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn . The perspective of the reader must be that the book is not necessarily a racist account of the past. If that had been the case, chapters would be ripped out of history books and even there, the history books present fact, not necessarily opinion. Huck Finn is only slightly different in that it provides satire, in which the institution of slavery is lashed out at and put down as evil. Only through experience and believable characters and situations does the satire of Mark Twain and factuality of slavery come together in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to show how slavery and, essentially, racism, are wicked parts of our past, and sadly, our present.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Parents should not be concerned so much about this novel being read by their children because all Mark Twain wants his readers to realize are the morals, and the satire to end racism. When parents say their concerns about banning the book it makes other people realize that maybe it should be banned, but they don’t see the lesson being taught underneath all the demeaning language and situations in the novel. … The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn must remain in the classrooms throughout the country. It is intellectual not only for African Americans, but for anyone sitting in an American literature survey course. Twain brings into schools what all of us in this country desperately need, yet fear, most about discussions about race, racial stereotypes, interracial relations, and ultimately true and unadulterated racial equality.”)

The complex sentence, “ However, Mark Twain's use of language and dialect in the novel helped him bring about the overall feel that he conveyed throughout the book, allowing him to show Huck Finn's attitudes and beliefs concerning the nature of education, slavery, and family values,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ However, Mark Twain's use of language and dialect in the novel helped him bring about the overall feel that he conveyed throughout the book, allowing him to show Huck Finn's attitudes and beliefs concerning the nature of education, slavery, and family values.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn written by Mark Twain, narrates the adventure of Huck, a 14 year old boy and a runnaway slave Jim as they float down the Mississippi River on a raft. Although it is a very controversial book, it is also a vital piece of American Literature. High schoolers should be able to experience this book and enjoy it. Students should not be shielded from this book because some people deem it racist. Students should have the chance to read it and know how things have changed and how somethings have stayed the same.

Most people will say that Huckleberry Finn should be ban from schools because of its language. In the story of Huck Finn there is a significant use of the word "nigger" and as well other words; that people might find offensive. It also depicts events that some feel is not appropriate for high school students to be reading. Saying that students in high school are mature enough to understand what is really going on the story. A student at Renton High, said in an interview with the Settle Post in 2003, "I was humiliated and horrified that this book was being taught, when it was the word "nigger" 215 times." This kind of reaction is understandable considering what the word means and who word is aimed at. The student’s grandmother, stated. "The word, in the history of America has been a degrading word towards African Americans. When they were brought to America , they were never thought of as human beings in the first place, and this word was something to call things that wasn't human." When slaves were forced to com here, they were thought to be animals, lower than animals and the word "nigger" was a way of making them feel low.

Huck Finn is a very controversial book, mostly because of its language. Huck Finn shows what people actually believed back then. In 2000 in the Bridgewater Review titled "Masterpiece or Racist Trash" the author stated, "Thoughtful examination of Twain's use of the word "nigger" can help teach students the importance of understanding the context in which a word is used." Even though the word is a derogatory world, it can a great impact on people and what they think of the word. In the same article Apstein said, "They (students) will discover that, although a derogatory term, "nigger" was not in Twain's time a powerful taboo word that it is today." Back in the time of the story was told that word was said all the time, no one batted an eye when it was said. Today, when a person says that word they are scalded and told that word is unacceptable. She also stated, "Clearly, although "nigger" may be acceptable for at least some blacks to use among themselves, the word becomes deeply offensive when uttered by a white person." People of all colors, but especially African Americans should read Huck Finn and realize that the word "nigger" is not something to made light of. Reading the book will help students comprehend what the word truly means, and what it meant to the people in the story when it was said. The book will help African Americans students who think the word, “nigger" or "nigga" is something that people should call each other. Students will learn that just because a few letters are changed, that it does not take away the pain that comes from the use to the word.

The word "nigger" has been used throughout history, and is continuously used today. Rappers sing it in their songs, people say it to one another as a way of communicating. Walk down any high school hallway and listen to the students talking to each other. The word "nigga" is said so nonchalant, that the people who say it and the people it is said to do not give it a second thoght. Ask most high school students what they think of the word and they would probably say that, the word does not have the same meaning now that it does in Huck Finn. In a paper in entitled "Is Huck Finn a Racist Book?" the author said, "The novel is racist on the face of it, and for the most obvious reason: many characters use the word "nigger" throughout. But since the actions of the book take place in the south twenty years before the Civil War, it would amazing if they didn't use that word." That word was basically acceptable in those days; no one flinched when that word was spoken. Thing are different now, most people understand what the word "nigger" means and are smart enough not to use it. However, there are those few people who chose to use the word, even thought they now exactly what it means, and this book can help then acknowledge the history of the word and its affect on the world. It can help shape that way that the world is viewed in the eyes of high school students and have an influence on how they view the word. One author said," When I was in the six grade, I was walking home from school and some boy came up to me and said that I was a "nigger" and that I should go back to where I came from. No one should have to inure that kind of situation. People read Huck Finn, so that they can teach other people that the word "nigger" is a hurtful word, and that, that word should not be said simply because certain people in our society believe that the does not mean anything.

Student's should be educated about the meaning of the word "nigger", reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will let people learn what it truly meant. Trying to shield students from situations that make us uncomfortable will not change the way our society feels about certain books, or movies, or television shows. Being able to read about thing that happened in the past, will help shape the future, so that people do not make the same mistake twice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are clearly evident in the essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the novel, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn written by Mark Twain, narrates the adventure of Huck, a 14 year old boy and a runnaway slave Jim as they float down the Mississippi River on a raft. Although it is a very controversial book, it is also a vital of American Literature. High schoolers should be able to experience this book and enjoy it. Students should not be shielded from this book because some people deem it racist. Students should have the chance to read it and know how things have changed and how somethings have stayed the same. …People of all colors, but especially African Americans should read Huck Finn and realize that the word ‘nigger’ is not something to made light of. Reading the book will help students comprehend what the word truly means, and what it meant to the people in the story when it was said.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Most people will say that Huckleberry Finn should be ban from schools because of its language. In the story of Huck Finn there is a significant use of the word ‘nigger’ and as well other words; that people might find offensive. It also depicts events that some feel is not appropriate for high school students to be reading. Saying that Students in high school are mature enough to understand what is really going on the story.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about the controversial language used in the novel and the fact that students should be exposed to this to increase their learning of our country and our past. (“ Huck Finn is a very controversial book, mostly because of its language. Huck Finn shows what people actually believed back then. In 2000 in the Bridgewater Review titled ‘Masterpiece or Racist Trash’ the author stated, ‘Thoughtful examination of Twain's use of the word ‘nigger’ can help teach students the importance of understanding the context in which a word is used.’ Even though the word is a derogatory world, it can a great impact on people and what they think of the word.”)

Content & Development

The essay displays evidence of good content and development. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the novel.

The essay includes quotations (about the main character) from the text. (“ In 2000 in the Bridgewater Review titled ‘Masterpiece or Racist Trash’ the author stated, ‘Thoughtful examination of Twain's use of the word ‘nigger’ can help teach students the importance of understanding the context in which a word is used.’”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ Most people will say that Huckleberry Finn should be ban from schools because of its language. In the story of Huck Finn there is a significant use of the word ‘nigger’ and as well other words; that people might find offensive. It also depicts events that some feel is not appropriate for high school students to be reading. Saying that Students in high school are mature enough to understand what is really going on the story. A student at Renton High, said in an interview with the Settle Post in 2003, ‘I was humiliated and horrified that this book was being taught, when it was the word ‘nigger’ 215 times.’”)

Specific information about the language used in the novel is developed clearly. (“Thing are different now, most people understand what the word ‘nigger’ means and are smart enough not to use it. However, there are those few people who chose to use the word, even thought they now exactly what it means, and this book can help then acknowledge the history of the word and its affect on the word. It can help shape that way that the word is viewed in the eyes of high school students and have an influence on how they view the word. One author said,’ When I was in the six grade, I was walking home from school and some boy came up to me and said that I was a ‘nigger’ and that I should go back to where I came from. No one should have to inure that kind of situation. People read Huck Finn, so that they can teach other people that the word ‘nigger’ is a hurtful word, and that, that word should not be said simply because certain people in our society believe that the does not mean anything.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident in this essay. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction includes a good sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Students should have the chance to read it and know how things have changed and how somethings have stayed the same.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ However, there are those few people who chose to use the word, even thought they now exactly what it means, and this book can help then acknowledge the history of the word and its affect on the world.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the idea of how students should not be “shielded from the past” and should read this novel to learn about the past. (“ The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn written by Mark Twain, narrates the adventure of Huck, a 14 year old boy and a runnaway slave Jim as they float down the Mississippi River on a raft. Although it is a very controversial book, it is also a vital piece of American Literature. High schoolers should be able to experience this book and enjoy it. Students should not be shielded from this book because some people deem it racist. Students should have the chance to read it and know how things have changed and how somethings have stayed the same. …Student's should be educated about the meaning of the word ‘nigger’, reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will let people learn what it truly meant. Trying to shield students from situations that make us uncomfortable will not change the way our society feels about certain books, or movies, or television shows. Being able to read about thing that happened in the past, will help shape the future, so that people do not make the same mistake twice.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is good. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured sentences with some variety are also used.

The language and tone are consistent in the use of persuasion; yet, the writer regularly mentions others’ viewpoints. (“ Students should not be shielded from this book because some people deem it racist. Students should have the chance to read it and know how things have changed and how somethings have stayed the same. Most people will say that Huckleberry Finn should be ban from schools because of its language.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the second and third paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Most people will say that Huckleberry Finn should be ban from schools because of its language. In the story of Huck Finn there is a significant use of the word ‘nigger’ and as well other words; that people might find offensive. It also depicts events that some feel is not appropriate for high school students to be reading. …Huck Finn is a very controversial book, mostly because of its language. Huck Finn shows what people actually believed back then. In 2000 in the Bridgewater Review titled ‘Masterpiece or Racist Trash’ the author stated, ‘Thoughtful examination of Twain's use of the word ‘nigger’ can help teach students the importance of understanding the context in which a word is used.’ Even though the word is a derogatory world, it can a great impact on people and what they think of the word.”)

The complex sentence, “ Although it is a very controversial book, it is also a vital piece of American Literature,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Trying to shield students from situations that make us uncomfortable will not change the way our society feels about certain books, or movies, or television shows. Being able to read about thing that happened in the past, will help shape the future, so that people do not make the same mistake twice.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a classic novel written by the great but contravertial author Mark Twain. This novel had caused much contraversy in schools and households around the country. There have been many people offended by the continous use of the word "nigger" and the way that African Americans are portrayes in this novel. Although this may offend some people it should not be banned from school libraries due to the fact that it is a great piece of American Lititure written in the days where it was alright in society to act this way.

First of all this book does not only view African Americans in a negative view it also shows the common white person to be worse that a black slave. They way that Huckleberry's father, Pap, is portraited in the novel could also cause some controversy amongst the white American race. He is shown as a useless child beating drunk and that could be a view from many people from other races. He is also said to be "trash" which can be a very offensive word but it is only a book that is one of the greatest novels in its time.

Secondly, although, some African Americans dislike this novel it should not be banned amongst school libraries. Many people would agree that this book should not be forced to read amongst school children, it could be viewed as a great book that should be read just for common knowledge. People should not be forced to read any book because many books can cause people to take offense to the novel and therefore books should not be forced to read in schools.

Finally the book should not be romoved from a High School curriculum but anything lower than that level should not read this novel. People in a High School level class should be mature enough to read this book and understand the points and meanings. If someone does not understand the some what hidden meaning of the book then they are either to young in age or not mature enough in knowledge to understand this book. All in all I belive that if you take offense to this book because of a common word used in the day the novel was written then you are not mature enough to read this book and it is not the schools problem you take offense to the book.

In summary this book has been considered to be taken from out of High school curriculum from all the contraversy caused from the novel to the African American community. This book was not made to show a negative side to an African American slave but somehow it has been viewed as such. It does not only show the negative side of the slaves back in that time but it shows the useless American father. Although many African Americans took offense to this novel it could be viewed that White Americans could take offense also but they do not. Additionally if the people who read this novel take offense to it then they are too immature and it is not the schools fault they cannot handle the required curriculum.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay delivers adequate focus and meaning. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the novel and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea .

The response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Finally the book should not be romoved from a High School curriculum but anything lower than that level should not read this novel. People in a High School level class should be mature enough to read this book and understand the points and meanings. If someone does not understand the some what hidden meaning of the book then they are either to young in age or not mature enough in knowledge to understand this book. All in all I belive that if you take offense to this book because of a common word used in the day the novel was written then you are not mature enough to read this book and it is not the schools problem you take offense to the book.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“First of all this book does not only view African Americans in a negative view it also shows the common white person to be worse that a black slave. They way that Huckleberry's father,Pap, is portraited in the novel could also cause some controversy amongst the white American race. He is shown as a useless child beating drunk and that could be a view from many people from other races. He is also said to be ‘trash’ which can be a very offensive word but it is only a book that is one of the greatest novels in its time.”)

The thesis statement states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“Althought this may offend some people it should not be banned from school libraries due to the fact that it is a great piece of American Lititure written in the days where it was alright in society to act this way.”)

Content & Development

This essay includes adequate content and development. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“They way that Huckleberry's father, Pap, is portraited in the novel could also cause some controversy amongst the white American race. He is shown as a useless child beating drunk and that could be a view from many people from other races. He is also said to be ‘trash’ which can be a very offensive word but it is only a book that is one of the greatest novels in its time.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Finally the book should not be romoved from a High School curriculum but anything lower than that level should not read this novel. People in a High School level class should be mature enough to read this book and understand the points and meanings. If someone does not understand the some what hidden meaning of the book then they are either to young in age or not mature enough in knowledge to understand this book. All in all I belive that if you take offense to this book because of a common word used in the day the novel was written then you are not mature enough to read this book and it is not the schools problem you take offense to the book.”)

The main ideas of the body paragraphs support the thesis. (“Finally the book should not be romoved from a High School curriculum but anything lower than that level should not read this novel.”)

Organization

Adequate use of organization is conveyed in this essay. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. (“ Although this may offend some people it should not be banned from school libraries due to the fact that it is a great piece of American Lititure written in the days where it was alright in society to act this way.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ First of all this book does not only view African Americans in a negative view it also shows the common white person to be worse that a black slave. … Secondly, although, some African Americans dislike this novel it should not be banned amongst school libraries.”)

The conclusion adequately leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In summary this book has been considered to be taken from out of High school curriculum from all the contraversy caused from the novel to the African American community. This book was not made to show a negative side to an African American slave but somehow it has been viewed as such. It does not only show the negative side of the slaves back in that time but it shows the useless American father. Although many African Americans took offense to this novel it could be viewed that White Americans could take offense also but they do not. Additionally if the people who read this novel take offense to it then they are too immature and it is not the schools fault they cannot handle the required curriculum.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates adequate use of language and style in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice; correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a classic novel written by the great but contravertial author Mark Twain. This novel had caused much contraversy in schools and households around the country. There have been many people offended by the continous use of the word ‘nigger’ and the way that African Americans are portrayes in this novel. Although this may offend some people it should not be banned from school libraries due to the fact that it is a great piece of American Lititure written in the days where it was alright in society to act this way.”)

Exact and specific words, such as “controversy” and “controversial” from the research and prompt task, are used adequately. (“ The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a classic novel written by the great but contravertial author Mark Twain. This novel had caused much contraversy in schools and households around the country.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as the word “immature,” as used in the conclusion. (“ Additionally if the people who read this novel take offense to it then they are too immature and it is not the schools fault they cannot handle the required curriculum.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates adequate use of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Although this may offend some people it should not be banned from school libraries due to the fact that it is a great piece of American Lititure written in the days where it was alright in society to act this way.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

This book shouldn't be banned because it's a good way to learn and understand about friendship, and the meaning of it. Its a good way to learn and understand about friendshipbut has a very racial word in it. The way it is a good way to understand friendship is especially when Huck tricked poor old Jim. Jim gets upset about the fact that Huck tricked him and he doesn't liked to be tricked by his friend. Although it uses a racial word in it, doesn't mean the book should get banned. When Huck says it, hes not trying to offend or hurt Jim when he says it. Back then it was okay to say that because thats what colored people were called back then. The way this book helps you learn about friendship is especially when Huck tries explaining why Jim wouldn't understand a french man. Huck tries to help him understand. Instead of laughing at him and telling him hes stupid. He ends up giving up, but only because he still did't understand.

Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck. Sometimes when it uses strong language, it gives more emotion to the life lesson.

It helps people understand anyone of any color are people but it could start a fight. The way it helps people understand anyone of any color are people is the friendship between Huck and Jim. The way it could start a fight is someone could take the book out of context and say its too racial or inappropriate. But it could help people understand anyone of any color are people or could start a fight. It depends on the way the person puts it into context.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Limited focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. The writer establishes a basic analysis of the novel, and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“This book shouldn't be banned because it's a good way to learn and understand about friendship, and the meaning of it. Its a good way to learn and understand about friendshipbut has a very racial word in it. The way it is a good way to understand friendship is especially when Huck tricked poor old Jim. Jim gets upset about the fact that Huck tricked him and he doesn't liked to be tricked by his friend. Although it uses a racial word in it, doesn't mean the book should get banned. When Huck says it, hes not trying to offend or hurt Jim when he says it. Back then it was okay to say that because thats what colored people were called back then. The way this book helps you learn about friendship is especially when Huck tries explaining why Jim wouldn't understand a french man. Huck tries to help him understand. Instead of laughing at him and telling him hes stupid. He ends up giving up, but only because he still did't understand.”)

The essay illustrates a limited understanding of audience by including limited relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck. Sometimes when it uses strong language, it gives more emotion to the life lesson. …It helps people understand anyone of any color are people but it could start a fight. The way it helps people understand anyone of any color are people is the friendship between Huck and Jim.”)

The essay states a limited central idea. (“ This book shouldn't be banned because it's a good way to learn and understand about friendship, and the meaning of it. Its a good way to learn and understand about friendshipbut has a very racial word in it.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay appear to be limited. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the novel.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck. Sometimes when it uses strong language, it gives more emotion to the life lesson.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“It helps people understand anyone of any color are people but it could start a fight. The way it helps people understand anyone of any color are people is the friendship between Huck and Jim. The way it could start a fight is someone could take the book out of context and say its too racial or inappropriate. But it could help people understand anyone of any color are people or could start a fight. It depends on the way the person puts it into context.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck. Sometimes when it uses strong language, it gives more emotion to the life lesson.”)

Organization

Organization within the essay seems to be limited. Some evidence of structure is demonstrated with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay also lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ This book shouldn't be banned because it's a good way to learn and understand about friendship, and the meaning of it. Its a good way to learn and understand about friendshipbut has a very racial word in it. The way it is a good way to understand friendship is especially when Huck tricked poor old Jim. Jim gets upset about the fact that Huck tricked him and he doesn't liked to be tricked by his friend. Although it uses a racial word in it, doesn't mean the book should get banned. When Huck says it, hes not trying to offend or hurt Jim when he says it. Back then it was okay to say that because thats what colored people were called back then. The way this book helps you learn about friendship is especially when Huck tries explaining why Jim wouldn't understand a french man. Huck tries to help him understand. Instead of laughing at him and telling him hes stupid. He ends up giving up, but only because he still did't understand.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ It helps people understand anyone of any color are people but it could start a fight. The way it helps people understand anyone of any color are people is the friendship between Huck and Jim. The way it could start a fight is someone could take the book out of context and say its too racial or inappropriate. But it could help people understand anyone of any color are people or could start a fight. It depends on the way the person puts it into context.”)

The conclusion attempts to leave the readers with something to think about, but is not fully clear in its explanation. (“ It helps people understand anyone of any color are people but it could start a fight. The way it helps people understand anyone of any color are people is the friendship between Huck and Jim. The way it could start a fight is someone could take the book out of context and say its too racial or inappropriate. But it could help people understand anyone of any color are people or could start a fight. It depends on the way the person puts it into context.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is limited. The writing demonstrates simple language use with some awareness of audience and control of voice; furthermore, it relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ Instead of laughing at him and telling him hes stupid.”)

There is repetition, as the terms “life lessons” and “strong language” are repeated throughout the second paragraph of the essay. (“ Huck Finn teaches life lessons but has strong language. The way it teaches life lessons is it teaches friendship between a black person and a white person. Huck and Jim didn't let that small difference get between them. Just because it has strong language doen't mean you need to ban it. The most strong language is only used when Pap is drunk or talking to Huck. Sometimes when it uses strong language, it gives more emotion to the life lesson.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions in standard written English. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“The way this book helps you learn about friendship is especially when Huck tries explaining why Jim wouldn't understand a french man. Huck tries to help him understand. Instead of laughing at him and telling him hes stupid. He ends up giving up, but only because he still did't understand.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

To Whom It way Concern:

I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.

At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Minimal focus and meaning are conveyed through this essay. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the novel and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

The writing style is not appropriate for the audience. (“I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender over a silly word.”)

Content & Development

Content within this essay is developed minimally. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the novel.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

The essay does not include at least three main ideas as evidence. (“To Whom It way Concern: I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender over a silly word. …At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is seen in the essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction, no conclusion, little evidence of paragraphing, and a lack of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a good introduction. (“ I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are needed. (“ I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language and style in this essay is minimal. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure and usage are seen as well.

Exact words are missing. (“ The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“ To Whom It way Concern: I am against the School District because Huckleberry Finn in an excellent book. It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word. …At first I didn't wanna read it because of everything people had told me it said but I did anyway. This book is so inspiring in so many way's because when do you hear about a 13 year old boy who listens to his heart instead of a very ignorant town.”)

The style is not formal. (“ The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is demonstrated throughout this essay. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, or end with a punctuation mark. (“It talk's about a 13 year boy who listens to his heart instead of listening to society and what society has taught him. Mark Twain wrote this book with the porpose that one day Slavery would no longer exist. The people that think this booki should over a silly be banned are all of the idiotic and ignorant people. What i don't understand is that why would someone get offender word.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay in question demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to establish an analysis of the novel and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and inadequate ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

In the introduction, the supporting idea of the essay is inadequate or is not stated. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are inadequate. The essay fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central idea of the essay. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

Organization

Organization within this brief piece of writing appears to be inadequate. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

Language Use & Style

This essay’s use of language and style appears to be inadequate. The writing conveys unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“no i do not think it should be removed from the curriculum it is a good book with many values. more poeple shuld read this book learn more about sociiety. jim and hucj become freinds and taut huck about poeple and to not be racist. then in the end jimm”)

“The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell

At the beginning of the "The Most Dangerous Game," Rainsford states, "The world is made up of two classes — the hunters and the huntees."

After carefully reading the story, write a multi-paragraph essay examining whether you agree or disagree with this statement. Include examples and details from the text and your own experiences to support your answer.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The statement, “The world is made up of two classes-- the hunters and the huntees." made by Rainsford in the story ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ is believable because it can happen through animal to animal examples, people to animal examples, and people to people examples.

Animals can hunt other animals to survive in the wilderness. They have to hunt other animals to keep the cycle going. A bear can be a hunter and a fish can be its huntee, or a cat can be a hunter to a bird, but then in return a coyote can eat the cat. That is how it is for every animal. Whether one is higher on the food chain than the other is what makes the difference. The animals are born to hunt and they are raised to protect themselves and take care of them selves. Animals should be the only things allowed to hunt; there is really no other reason for anyone to hunt. Animals hunting animals has nothing to do with humans, other than the fact that whether or not a animals kills another animals species so much that it has a low population, that controls how many animals the human will kill. Animals to animals hunting is natural and is a first nature to them, like in the story how Zaroff and Rainsford are excellent trackers and hunters, so they are like animals.

A person that hunts and kills animals is one of the most amusing outdoor activities to some people. The joy they get from killing animals serves them as entertainment. There are many known examples of that, like in the story, Zaroff started out hunting animals for enjoyment but he eventually grew bored with such a simple kill. He had to increase the thrill of the hunt and the type of subject he was hunting. Zaroff and Rainsford were always excellent hunters, but in the story Rainsford didn't know until the night before that Zaroff was not killing simply animals anymore, but he was going to kill him the next night. People most of the time win the animals in the battle, but in a chain of events where the human messes up or loses his focus, the animal can win. Human and animal examples are higher on the list of hunters and huntees than it should be.

The other one that has to do with our everyday lives are people to people examples. Whether we be in a cannibal environment or we be in a school, it is the same. We are all after each other and we all try to be higher on the food chain. When we are hunting people in school, it is not in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense. When we hunt people in school, we are looking for someone to tear down or hurt. The people against people type of hunting is what we face everyday, we have all gone through that, and we will for the rest of our time. Human to human examples are the highest on the hunter and huntee list. Just like in the story, Zaroff hunts the humans, being bored by simply hunting animals, whether they be large or small, but is defeated by Rainsford, for he is a smarter and more witted hunter. Rainsford stops the hunting of humans on Shipwreck Island when he in turn won the game.

Some people may argue that we are not as hostile toward each other and toward animals as it seems; however, the world today is full of hunter, whether in a literal sense or in a metaphorical sense.

In conclusion, the world is full of hunters and huntees, whether we want to admit it or not. The world is always increasing the huntees while the same hunters remain. Hunters and huntees have been around since the beginning of time, and they will always be on this Earth, until we have all been hunted. The story was a very excellent example of this statement made by Rainsford, it is true in many aspects in life. The statement Rainsford made can contribute to all of our lives and to all of the activities we do everyday. This story is true, in a way. Not through the ship trapping and people killing but through the sense of it, the lying and deceit that we carry throughout our lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has very effective focus and meaning. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea very effectively. (“ Human to human examples are the highest on the hunter and huntee list. Just like in the story, Zaroff hunts the humans, being bored by simply hunting animals, whether they be large or small, but is defeated by Rainsford, for he is a smarter and more witted hunter. Rainsford stops the hunting of humans on Shipwreck Island when he in turn won the game.”)

Content & Development

The essay has very effective content and development. It develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. The content in the body paragraphs includes a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. The details that are included in each paragraph very effectively develop the main idea of the topic sentence. (“ There are many known examples of that, like in the story, Zaroff started out hunting animals for enjoyment but he eventually grew bored with such a simple kill. He had to increase the thrill of the hunt and the type of subject he was hunting. Zaroff and Rainsford were always excellent hunters, but in the story Rainsford didn't know until the night before that Zaroff was not killing simply animals anymore, but he was going to kill him the next night.”) The writer attempts to provide a short counterargument against people who might disagree with his/her position. (“Some people may argue that we are not as hostile toward each other and toward animals as it seems; however, the world today is full of hunter, whether in a literal sense or in a metaphorical sense.”)

Organization

The essay has very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion and effective use of transitional devices throughout. The essay demonstrates a very effective introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. The writer connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“ The statement, “The world is made up of two classes-- the hunters and the huntees." made by Rainsford in the story ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ is believable because it can happen through animal to animal examples, people to animal examples, and people to people examples.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has very effective language use and style. It demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and uses well-structured and varied sentences. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ We are all after each other and we all try to be higher on the food chain. When we are hunting people in school, it is not in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense. When we hunt people in school, we are looking for someone to tear down or hurt.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has very effective control of conventions and mechanics. It has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. Each sentence has a subject and a verb, each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, each sentence is indented when a new paragraph begins, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Animals can hunt other animals to survive in the wilderness. They have to hunt other animals to keep the cycle going. A bear can be a hunter and a fish can be its huntee, or a cat can be a hunter to a bird, but then in return a coyote can eat the cat. That is how it is for every animal. Whether one is higher on the food chain than the other is what makes the difference.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The statement," There are two classes the hunters and the huntees" that Rainsford made is believable because there are many different believable examples like a cat and a bird, people and people, and people and animal. All of these are examples of a hunter and a huntee. The world is full of hunters there all around us all the time.

Animals can be hunters and huntees for example a cat can hunt a bird which would make the cat the hunter and the bird the huntee. For the cat its more of a nature or survival rather than a sport. Animals are raised and brought up to hunt, they are born with the instinct to hunt so that they can survive. Living out in the wild they have to learn to hunt and live so that they can survive. The wild is a dangerous place for animals especially if they are young, wounded, or elderly animals. In the animal kingdom there are many different type of animals that hunt animals like bears that hunt fish or a lion and it's prey so that's some proof that the world is full of things that are hunters and huntees.

In the story 'The Most Dangerous Game' Zaroff hunts Rainsford because he became bored hunting animals, but Rainsford out smarted Zaroff in the end. In our world people do a similar thing they set out to hurt people rather its just to hurt there fillings by calling them names or if the people are really out to get them or hurt them. There has not been a day that’s gone by that someone hasn’t died a lot of them may be natural, but most of them are people hurting other people and what for some money or just to do it it's not right. Other times people can just hurt people by just calling them names or yelling at them. What about all of the child abuse that’s going on in the world children are people to there just smaller and younger?

People hunting animals is not always a bad thing it can be used for good. When people go deer hunting they don't just hunt animals to leave them or hunt deer just for their horns. People hunt them for the fun and the stories that can be told also a bonus is that the meat can be kept so that dinner is taken care of for months and the horns are a bonus. Hunting can even be used for a good thing if people don't go hunting the population of animals would be way to high and then the animals would not have enough food. Instead of just getting shot which if people shoot them right they don't feel much of anything, but think how bad it would fill to starve to death.

In conclusion there are many different ways that animals can hunt animals, people hunt people, and people hunt animals. In one way or another we are all rather hunters and huntees. No matter where you go in the world there are many different types of hunters and huntees.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. It establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. The essay response focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. The writer uses good, specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. All of the details used in the essay relate to the central/controlling idea. (“ In the story 'The Most Dangerous Game' Zaroff hunts Rainsford because he became bored hunting animals, but Rainsford out smarted Zaroff in the end. In our world people do a similar thing they set out to hurt people rather its just to hurt there fillings by calling them names or if the people are really out to get them or hurt them.”)

Content & Development

The essay has good content and development. It develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain the paragraph’s main idea. (“ Hunting can even be used for a good thing if people don't go hunting the population of animals would be way to high and then the animals would not have enough food. Instead of just getting shot which if people shoot them right they don't feel much of anything, but think how bad it would fill to starve to death.”)

Organization

The essay has good organization. It demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction, a good conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices. The essay demonstrates a n effective introduction. Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. The conclusion effectively connects the information in the essay with something that is happening in the world. (“ In conclusion there are many different ways that animals can hunt animals, people hunt people, and people hunt animals. In one way or another we are all rather hunters and huntees. No matter where you go in the world there are many different types of hunters and huntees.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has good language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. It also uses well-structured sentences with some variety. The language and tone are consistent. Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“Other times people can just hurt people by just calling them names or yelling at them. What about all of the child abuse that’s going on in the world children are people to there just smaller and younger?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has good control of conventions and mechanics. It has a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message. Most sentences have a subject and a verb, end with a punctuation mark, and are indented when beginning a new paragraph. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ There has not been a day that’s gone by that someone hasn’t died a lot of them may be natural, but most of them are people hurting other people and what for some money or just to do it it's not right. Other times people can just hurt people by just calling them names or yelling at them. What about all of the child abuse that’s going on in the world children are people to there just smaller and younger?”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The world is made up of two classes- the hunters and the huntees. This is a sentence stated by Rainsford in the short story "The Most Dangerous Game." In this sentence Rainsford is saying that there are pretty much 2 kinds of people the people that like to hunt and kill and the people that just sit back and become the victims.

The "hunters" are the people that don't exactly take life seriously, are rude to those around them, and put those that are less fortunate down. These are the kind of people that bug me. Even though they have better looks or greater fortune they think they can just "shoot" people down and "kill" their confidence.

The "huntees" are the victims of these cruel hunters. The people that sit back and just let the hunters put them down and make them feel lower then they are. These are the people that I have respect for because I hate when people make fun of people with disabilities or people that aren't as smart as others.

When I see someone being mean to people that aren't as "popular" as they think they are it makes me so flustered because the bully probably doesn't know anything about the person and yet they treat them terribly. Now I'm not saying I am perfect, because I'm far from it. Being mean to certain people is actually a flaw of mine that i need to work on. But I don't judge people from outward appearance and i think that is something we all need to work on.

The world is made up of two classes- the hunters and the huntees. We just have to choose which we want to be or don't. My opinion is that we should choose to be kind to everyone and not "shoot them down."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The essay response adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“In this sentence Rainsford is saying that there are pretty much 2 kinds of people the people that like to hunt and kill and the people that just sit back and become the victims.” “When I see someone being mean to people that aren't as "popular" as they think they are it makes me so flustered because the bully probably doesn't know anything about the person and yet they treat them terribly.”)

Content & Development

The essay has adequate content and development. It develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. The main ideas of the body paragraph support the thesis. (“When I see someone being mean to people that aren't as "popular" as they think they are it makes me so flustered because the bully probably doesn't know anything about the person and yet they treat them terribly. Now I'm not saying I am perfect, because I'm far from it. Being mean to certain people is actually a flaw of mine that i need to work on.”)

Organization

The essay has adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. There is inconsistent use of paragraphing and inconsistent use of transitional devices. The introduction ends with an adequate thesis statement. The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that teaches readers a lesson. (“ The world is made up of two classes- the hunters and the huntees. We just have to choose which we want to be or don't. My opinion is that we should choose to be kind to everyone and not "shoot them down. ”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has adequate language use and style. It demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. It also generally uses correct sentence structure with some variety. The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. Exact and specific words from the research and the prompt task are used adequately. (“ When I see someone being mean to people that aren't as "popular" as they think they are it makes me so flustered because the bully probably doesn't know anything about the person and yet they treat them terribly.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has adequate control of conventions and mechanics. It has some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, many sentences have a subject and a verb, many sentences end with a punctuation mark, and many sentences are indented when beginning a new paragraph. A line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ When I see someone being mean to people that aren't as "popular" as they think they are it makes me so flustered because the bully probably doesn't know anything about the person and yet they treat them terribly. Now I'm not saying I am perfect, because I'm far from it. Being mean to certain people is actually a flaw of mine that i need to work on.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

At the beginning of "The most dangerous game," Rainsford states, "The world is made up of two classes -- the hunters and the huntees." I believe this statement to be true for 3 reasons.

My first reason is survival of the fittest. The strongest will win the battle and the weaker lose the fight. If your not strong enough to survive its your own fault.

My second reason is that it is your own choice whether or not you want to be the hunter or the huntee and its your own strength and determination that will help you become successful at your choice and lifestyle.

My third reason is success. Evryone can't be successful in one thing, but evryone can be success ful in their own thing. If evryone was successful in the same thing, evryone would be the same and there wouldn't be sports like NASCAR, NFL, or rodeo because there wouldn't be a show if evryone was exactly the same in one sport or game.

In conclusion, I believe the above statement to be true because; survival of the fittest, life is making your own choices, and your choice of success or failure in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The writer attempts to provide multiple reasons why he/she agrees with the statement, but their attempts to explain their ideas are poorly developed. The essay makes limited reference to the text, but does succeed in answering the prompt. The writer illustrates a limited understanding of audience by including relevant details to make ideas clear and convincing. In the introduction, only a limited point of view or argument of the essay is stated. (“My second reason is that it is your own choice whether or not you want to be the hunter or the huntee and its your own strength and determination that will help you become successful at your choice and lifestyle.”)

Content & Development

The essay has limited content and development. It develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. The essay uses a limited number of details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. There are only a few sentences of detail for each point in the paragraphs. The essay does attempt to list three reasons why they support the statement, but provides little detail to support it. (“My first reason is survival of the fittest. The strongest will win the battle and the weaker lose the fight. If your not strong enough to survive its your own fault.”)

Organization

The essay has limited organization. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, lacks paragraphing, and lacks some transitional devices. The essay demonstrates evidence of a good introduction and conclusion, but both are short. The conclusion attempts to teach readers a lesson about making your own choices. (“ In conclusion, I believe the above statement to be true because; survival of the fittest, life is making your own choices, and your choice of success or failure in life.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has limited language use and style. It demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. There are run-on portions in the essay. The lengths of the sentences are short. The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions. The essay is too informal and does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ My third reason is success. Evryone can't be successful in one thing, but evryone can be success ful in their own thing. If evryone was successful in the same thing, evryone would be the same and there wouldn't be sports like NASCAR, NFL, or rodeo because there wouldn't be a show if evryone was exactly the same in one sport or game.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has limited control of conventions and mechanics. It has several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that may interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence should have a subject and a verb and each sentence should end with a punctuation mark. Sentences in the essay may not be consistently indented when beginning a new paragraph, and line breaks may not be consistently used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. Each sentence should begin with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“My third reason is success. Evryone can't be successful in one thing, but evryone can be success ful in their own thing. If evryone was successful in the same thing, evryone would be the same and there wouldn't be sports like NASCAR, NFL, or rodeo because there wouldn't be a show if evryone was exactly the same in one sport or game.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the book, ''The Most Dangerous Game'', they stated that the world is made up of two classes called ''The Hunters'' and ''The Huntees.''I do believe that the world is made up of two classes called, ''Hunters'' and ''Huntees.''

I believe this because, ''Hunters'' are people who hunt animals or any kind of living creature and ''Huntees'' are people and/or animals who get hunted. And there are people out here in this world that hunt people and/or animals that get hunted themselves.Deer,fish,bears,and birds get hunted by people.Mice or mouses get hunted by cats.People may get hunted by other animals like lions or sharks.

This is why I believe that there are ''Hunters'' and ''Huntees'' in this world.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has minimal focus and meaning. It establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer uses minimal detail that relates to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The introduction and point of view of the essay is stated but not elaborated upon. (“In the book, ''The Most Dangerous Game'', they stated that the world is made up of two classes called ''The Hunters'' and ''The Huntees.''I do believe that the world is made up of two classes called, ''Hunters'' and ''Huntees.''”)

Content & Development

The essay has minimal content and development. It develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. The essay uses minimal details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. The essay uses few details to support the writer’s point of view and doesn’t provide a detailed analysis of the few points he or she does make. (“I believe this because, ''Hunters'' are people who hunt animals or any kind of living creature and ''Huntees'' are people and/or animals who get hunted. And there are people out here in this world that hunt people and/or animals that get hunted themselves.Deer,fish,bears,and birds get hunted by people.Mice or mouses get hunted by cats.People may get hunted by other animals like lions or sharks.”)

Organization

The essay has minimal organization. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction, a poor conclusion, and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices. The essay does not attempt to provide a creative introduction or conclusion. It does attempt to break ideas into paragraphs, but with limited success. (“I believe this because, ''Hunters'' are people who hunt animals or any kind of living creature and ''Huntees'' are people and/or animals who get hunted. And there are people out here in this world that hunt people and/or animals that get hunted themselves.Deer,fish,bears,and birds get hunted by people.Mice or mouses get hunted by cats.People may get hunted by other animals like lions or sharks.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has minimally effective use of language and style. It demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and makes basic errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short. Transitions between multiple ideas are needed. (“ .Deer,fish,bears,and birds get hunted by people.Mice or mouses get hunted by cats.People may get hunted by other animals like lions or sharks.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has minimal control of conventions and mechanics. It has patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message. Sentences do not consistently have a subject and a verb, and not all sentences end with a punctuation mark. Indents or line breaks are not always used when beginning a new paragraph, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“I believe this because, ''Hunters'' are people who hunt animals or any kind of living creature and ''Huntees'' are people and/or animals who get hunted. And there are people out here in this world that hunt people and/or animals that get hunted themselves.Deer,fish,bears,and birds get hunted by people.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the most dangerous game,Yes i agree with Rainsford when he said their are two kinds of people in the world made up of the hunters and the huntees like for ex: like a bully and a bullys . also another ex; when Zaroff was the hunter and the Rainford hunted. Through out the story the hunt changes up rainsford is the hunter he hunts and lookes out for Zaroff and the dogs and Ivan.In the end Rainsford became the hhunter and slept in General Zaroffs bed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has inadequate or no focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a central/controlling idea. The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection, and the thesis is not adequately stated. The writer includes some details about the story, but they are not tied into the analysis in any meaningful way.

Content & Development

The essay has inadequate or no content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. The essay does not include literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. The ideas that are presented are not broken into body paragraphs. The content that is provided is very brief and resembles a recap of the text, rather than answering the prompt question directly. (“Through out the story the hunt changes up rainsford is the hunter he hunts and lookes out for Zaroff and the dogs and Ivan.In the end Rainsford became the hhunter and slept in General Zaroffs bed.”)

Organization

The essay has inadequate or no organization. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices. The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction. The essay does not grab readers’ attention in the introduction. T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ Through out the story the hunt changes up rainsford is the hunter he hunts and lookes out for Zaroff and the dogs and Ivan.In the end Rainsford became the hhunter and slept in General Zaroffs bed”)

Language Use & Style

The essay has inadequate language use and style. It demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage. The lengths of the sentences are short and transitions are needed. The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ In the most dangerous game,Yes i agree with Rainsford when he said their are two kinds of people in the world made up of the hunters and the huntees like for ex: like a bully and a bullys . also another ex; when Zaroff was the hunter and the Rainford hunted.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay has inadequate or no control of conventions and mechanics. It has major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that significantly interfere with the communication of the message. Each sentence does not have a subject and a verb or end with a punctuation mark. Indents or line breaks are not used when beginning new paragraphs, and each sentence does not begin with a capital letter. The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing. (“Through out the story the hunt changes up rainsford is the hunter he hunts and lookes out for Zaroff and the dogs and Ivan.In the end Rainsford became the hhunter and slept in General Zaroffs bed.”)

The Odyssey , An Epic

The Odyssey by Homer is a very famous epic and has been shared for thousands of years. After carefully reading The Odyssey , write a multi-paragraph essay describing the characteristics of an epic and what qualities of The Odyssey specifically qualify it as an epic. Use details and examples from the text to support your analysis.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Epics are just one example of great fiction that exists in literature and culture. These stories transcend time and place and provide a story that has the ability to intrigue any reader. The characteristics of the epic are what make it so magnetic and memorable for its readers, especially in The Odyssey by Homer. Perhaps the most powerful epic characteristic in this story is the protagonist, Odysseus, the noble hero who is known all over the world. The importance of the gods and demons, often intervening either against Odysseus or on his behalf, is also immense in making the story fascinating. Finally, the use of epic similes conveys a unique style used by authors to make their lofty stories comprehensible to the everyday reader. All of these characteristics combined provide the foundation for the incredible story that is The Odyssey.

Odysseus, the main character and hero of the story, is simply trying to find his way home after the long Trojan war. He embodies many characteristics of a typical hero, even what still qualifies a hero today. He is strong and wise, but also has an angry side. He uses his brains to out wit monsters like Polyphemus, the Cyclops, by saying that his name is Nohbody. Therefore, when the Cyclops calls for help, his pleas are not taken seriously, as he is shouting, “Nohbody has wounded me!” This is just one example of many in which Odysseus uses his brain to get himself out of trouble. In addition to his brain, Odysseus also uses his strength to save himself. He uses his strength when sailing from Calypso’s island and in building the raft to escape. He uses his strength upon his return home while defeating the suitors that have over taken his home.

The gods and demons that appear in The Odyssey make the story fascinating and adventurous. Each one adds a unique dimension to the story. For example, Athena, Odysseus’ greatest ally, adds an element of comfort and support to the story. The reader knows that when Athena appears, she will have good news for Odysseus or simply provide encouragement in the face of adversity. On the other hand is Odysseus’ constant struggle with Poseidon, which adds a completely different feeling. When Odysseus struggles with him, the reader feels the tension, frustration, and anger that Odysseus himself feels during his difficult time at sea. Other characters like the goddesses Calypso and Circe add a fantasy-like quality to the epic. Both are immortal and are able to take control over Odysseus, and in Circe's case, also his men. Without these multi-faceted characters, The Odyssey would not be as compelling.

In addition to the noble hero and gods and demons, similes also add an interesting element to this epic. The purpose of similes is two-fold. First, it adds to the lofty writing style that epic authors tend to use. In addition, it also provides explanation of that language so that the average reader can understand what is happening. For example, Homer compares Odysseus’ relief after finding land to how a child feels when his father recovers from a long illness. This provides a common analogy for the reader to relate to and makes the story more comprehensible. Homer uses another simile as Odysseus is describing how the made the spear to gouge Polyphemus’ eye. He says that they turned it around and around just like shipmates would do with an auger to create a hole in the plank. This simile provides a visual image for the audience, allowing them to picture in their own minds precisely what Odysseus and his men are doing. Homer uses similes countless times in the epic, all which add to the story and make it come to life for the readers.

The Odyssey by Homer is indeed an epic, and one that is well known all over the world. This great story embodies several characteristics of an epic, such as the noble hero or protagonist, the presence of gods and demons, and the use of figurative language such as similes. All of these elements come together to create a vivid, adventurous story of Odysseus’ journey home. Homer’s great talent as a storyteller has captivated audiences for years; The Odyssey is sure to continue to draw readers for countless years to come.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Very effective focus and meaning are demonstrated in this essay. It establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the particular elements of an epic. This is achieved through a controlling idea regarding the specific characteristics of an epic: the inclusion of an epic hero, the importance of gods and demons, and the use of epic similes.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Epics are just one example of great fiction that exists in literature and culture. These stories transcend time and place and provide a story that has the ability to intrigue any reader. The characteristics of the epic are what make it so magnetic and memorable for its readers, especially in The Odyssey by Homer. Perhaps the most powerful epic characteristic in this story is the protagonist, Odysseus, the noble hero who is known all over the world. The importance of the gods and demons, often intervening either against Odysseus or on his behalf, is also immense in making the story fascinating. Finally, the use of epic similes conveys a unique style used by authors to make their lofty stories comprehensible to the everyday reader. All of these characteristics combined provide the foundation for the incredible story that is The Odyssey.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about character, specifically the epic hero, Odysseus, and various gods, goddesses, and demons, and includes ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Odysseus, the main character and hero of the story, is simply trying to find his way home after the long Trojan war. He embodies many characteristics of a typical hero, even what still qualifies a hero today. He is strong and wise, but also has an angry side. He uses his brains to out wit monsters like Polyphemus, the Cyclops, by saying that his name is Nohbody. … The gods and demons that appear in The Odyssey make the story fascinating and adventurous. Each one adds a unique dimension to the story. For example, Athena, Odysseus’ greatest ally, adds an element of comfort and support to the story. The reader knows that when Athena appears, she will have good news for Odysseus or simply provide encouragement in the face of adversity.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea very effectively. (“ In addition to the noble hero and gods and demons, similes also add an interesting element to this epic. The purpose of similes is two-fold. First, it adds to the lofty writing style that epic authors tend to use. In addition, it also provides explanation of that language so that the average reader can understand what is happening.”)

Content & Development

This essay displays very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and elements from The Odyssey .

The essay very effectively discusses literary terms featured in the MY Access! Resource and Training Center (i.e., simile, allegory, climax, conflict, foreshadowing, flashback, irony, mood, point of view, symbolism, theme, etc.). (“In addition to the noble hero and gods and demons, similes also add an interesting element to this epic. The purpose of similes is two-fold. First, it adds to the lofty writing style that epic authors tend to use. In addition, it also provides explanation of that language so that the average reader can understand what is happening.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“The gods and demons that appear in The Odyssey make the story fascinating and adventurous. Each one adds a unique dimension to the story. For example, Athena, Odysseus’ greatest ally, adds an element of comfort and support to the story. The reader knows that when Athena appears, she will have good news for Odysseus or simply provide encouragement in the face of adversity. On the other hand is Odysseus’ constant struggle with Poseidon, which adds a completely different feeling. When Odysseus struggles with him, the reader feels the tension, frustration, and anger that Odysseus himself feels during his difficult time at sea. Other characters like the goddesses Calypso and Circe add a fantasy-like quality to the epic. Both are immortal and are able to take control over Odysseus, and in Circe’s case, also his men. Without these multi-faceted characters, The Odyssey would not be as compelling.”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Odysseus, the main character and hero of the story, is simply trying to find his way home after the long Trojan war. He embodies many characteristics of a typical hero, even what still qualifies a hero today. He is strong and wise, but also has an angry side. He uses his brains to out wit monsters like Polyphemus, the Cyclops, by saying that his name is Nohbody. Therefore, when the Cyclops calls for help, his pleas are not taken seriously, as he is shouting, ‘Nohbody has wounded me!’ This is just one example of many in which Odysseus uses his brain to get himself out of trouble. In addition to his brain, Odysseus also uses his strength to save himself. He uses his strength when sailing from Calypso’s island and in building the raft to escape. He uses his strength upon his return home while defeating the suitors that have over taken his home.”)

The essay includes examples, brief narratives, or explanations that tell a small story, and/or uses characters’ actual words or quotes when discussing each main idea. (“Odysseus, the main character and hero of the story, is simply trying to find his way home after the long Trojan war. He embodies many characteristics of a typical hero, even what still qualifies a hero today. He is strong and wise, but also has an angry side. He uses his brains to out wit monsters like Polyphemus, the Cyclops, by saying that his name is Nohbody. Therefore, when the Cyclops calls for help, his pleas are not taken seriously, as he is shouting, ‘Nohbody has wounded me!’ This is just one example of many in which Odysseus uses his brain to get himself out of trouble. In addition to his brain, Odysseus also uses his strength to save himself. He uses his strength when sailing from Calypso’s island and in building the raft to escape. He uses his strength upon his return home while defeating the suitors that have over taken his home.”)

Organization

Very effective organization is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction provides very effective information for readers to help them understand the connection between the background information and the thesis statement. (“ Epics are just one example of great fiction that exists in literature and culture. These stories transcend time and place and provide a story that has the ability to intrigue any reader. The characteristics of the epic are what make it so magnetic and memorable for its readers, especially in The Odyssey by Homer. Perhaps the most powerful epic characteristic in this story is the protagonist, Odysseus, the noble hero who is known all over the world. The importance of the gods and demons, often intervening either against Odysseus or on his behalf, is also immense in making the story fascinating. Finally, the use of epic similes conveys a unique style used by authors to make their lofty stories comprehensible to the everyday reader. All of these characteristics combined provide the foundation for the incredible story that is The Odyssey.”)

“Quarter” and “Dollar” to “Five” and “Fifty” dollar transitions from the MY Access! Word Bank very effectively connect ideas. (“ Finally, the use of epic similes conveys a unique style used by authors to make their lofty stories comprehensible to the everyday reader. … In addition, it also provides explanation of that language so that the average reader can understand what is happening.”)

The conclusion summarizes the main points of the essay very effectively. (“ The Odyssey by Homer is indeed an epic, and one that is well known all over the world. This great story embodies several characteristics of an epic, such as the noble hero or protagonist, the presence of gods and demons, and the use of figurative language such as similes. All of these elements come together to create a vivid, adventurous story of Odysseus’ journey home. Homer’s great talent as a storyteller has captivated audiences for years; The Odyssey is sure to continue to draw readers for countless years to come.”)

Language Use & Style

Very effective use of language and style is shown in this essay. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ In addition to the noble hero and gods and demons, similes also add an interesting element to this epic. The purpose of similes is two-fold. First, it adds to the lofty writing style that epic authors tend to use. In addition, it also provides explanation of that language so that the average reader can understand what is happening. For example, Homer compares Odysseus’ relief after finding land to how a child feels when his father recovers from a long illness.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the thesis statement of the essay. (“ Odysseus, the main character and hero of the story, is simply trying to find his way home after the long Trojan war. He embodies many characteristics of a typical hero, even what still qualifies a hero today. He is strong and wise, but also has an angry side. He uses his brains to out wit monsters like Polyphemus, the Cyclops, by saying that his name is Nohbody.”)

The complex sentence, “ When Odysseus struggles with him, the reader feels the tension, frustration, and anger that Odysseus himself feels during his difficult time at sea,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Very effective control of mechanics and conventions is apparent in this essay. There are few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling.

For example:

Each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action). (“ These stories transcend time and place and provide a story that has the ability to intrigue any reader.”)

Each sentence ends with a punctuation mark. (“ He uses his strength upon his return home while defeating the suitors that have over taken his home.”)

Each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Other characters like the goddesses Calypso and Circe add a fantasy-like quality to the epic.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

How would you like to read a tale of a man struggling to return home after twenty years away from his family? Along the way all his companions die, leaving him to his own defenses. He must conquer angry gods and man-eating, one-eyed giants, relying on cleverness alone to escape life-or-death situations. Of course, even if he does get home, everyone in his kingdom will have turned against him! He must first regain his kingdom before his life will ever be the same. The Odyssey is such a story. It is a very famous epic, written by the blind poet Homer. The Odyssey contains several characteristics typical of an epic. Some of these are the involvement of a larger-than-life hero; a serious subject; extensive battle scenes; extended similes; and that the epic is written in large-scale proportions. Throughout the story of Odysseus’s adventures, there are many examples of these characteristics.

The Odyssey begins with Homer describing the good king Menalaus coming to summon Odysseus and his men to aid him in the Trojan war. Odysseus is forced to leave his beautiful wife Penelope and his newborn son, Telemachus. This is the first example of the serious subject of The Odyssey. Odysseus is heartbroken that he has to leave his son, but he knows he has to be loyal to Menalaus, so he gathers his men and sails to Troy . The Trojan war is another subject that is meant to be taken seriously. This was an important war and Odysseus played an important role in tricking the Trojans with the wooden horse and winning the war.

Odysseus is a larger-than-life hero. He is the strongest and the cleverest man anyone has ever heard of. He alone can string his bow and shoot it through a row of ax handles when he returns to Ithaca and must restore his power. After everything that happens to him and his men, he alone survives to wash up on Calypso's island when his men die. He leads his men through many adventures, creating clever plans to escape from danger in every situation. First, he drags his men away from the dangers of the island of the lotus plants. Then when they are trapped in the cave of the giant Cyclops, Polyphemus, he begins to kill the ogre, but is smart enough to realize that only the giant can move the stone to free the men from the cave. Instead, he devises a plan to escape--tied to the bellies of sheep--after blinding Polyphemus.

Throughout the rest of the epic, Odyssseus is bottling wind and navigating carefully past Scylla, cleverly avoiding the even more dangerous Charybdis. Of course, a lot of Odysseus’ wisdom comes from gods and goddesses along the way, but this only serves to make him even larger--than--life. Not every mortal can communicate with supreme beings such as the almighty Zeus and beautiful Athena!

The Odyssey contains several extensive battle scenes. A major one is when he finally returns to Ithaca and must overcame the suitors who are living in his kingdom, trying to marry Penelope. Homer describes in vivid detail the battle between him and Telemachus and the suitors. “...turning to strike and strike again, while torn men moaned at death, and blood ran smoking over the whole floor.” This is an extended simile because it doesn’t simply say that men are dying like thing that are torn, it goes into vivid detail, extending this simile.

To conclude, The Odyssey is a typical epic. It has many characteristics of an epic, including extended similes, a serious subject, and a larger than life hero. The blind poet Homer was indeed an impressive writer of epics.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are evident in this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the elements of an epic. This is done through the use of a controlling idea regarding the characteristics of an epic: it is written in large-scale proportions, it involves a larger-than-life hero, and it contains serious subject matter, extensive battle scenes, and extended similes.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ How would you like to read a tale of a man struggling to return home after twenty years away from his family? Along the way all his companions die, leaving him to his own defenses. He must conquer angry gods and man-eating, one-eyed giants, relying on cleverness alone to escape life-or-death situations. Of course, even if he does get home, everyone in his kingdom will have turned against him! He must first regain his kingdom before his life will ever be the same. The Odyssey is such a story. It is a very famous epic, written by the blind poet Homer. The Odyssey contains several characteristics typical of an epic. Some of these are the involvement of a larger-than-life hero; a serious subject; extensive battle scenes; extended similes; and that the epic is written in large-scale proportions. Throughout the story of Odysseus’s adventures, there are many examples of these characteristics.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about characters and ideas, which connect the essay question to the text. (“ Odysseus is a larger-than-life hero. He is the strongest and the cleverest man anyone has ever heard of. He alone can string his bow and shoot it through a row of ax handles when he returns to Ithaca and must restore his power. After everything that happens to him and his men, he alone survives to wash up on Calypso’s island when his men die. He leads his men through many adventures, creating clever plans to escape from danger in every situation. First, he drags his men away from the dangers of the island of the lotus plants. Then when they are trapped in the cave of the giant Cyclops, Polyphemus, he begins to kill the ogre, but is smart enough to realize that only the giant can move the stone to free the men from the cave. Instead, he devises a plan to escape--tied to the bellies of sheep--after blinding Polyphemus.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the controlling idea. (“ Odysseus is a larger-than-life hero. He is the strongest and the cleverest man anyone has ever heard of. He alone can string his bow and shoot it through a row of ax handles when he returns to Ithaca and must restore his power. After everything that happens to him and his men, he alone survives to wash up on Calypso’s island when his men die.”)

Content & Development

Good content and development are apparent in this essay. Ideas are developed fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and elements from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the story. (“Throughout the rest of the epic, Odyssseus is bottling wind and navigating carefully past Scylla, cleverly avoiding the even more dangerous Charybdis. Of course, a lot of Odysseus’ wisdom comes from gods and goddesses along the way, but this only serves to make him even larger--than--life. Not every mortal can communicate with supreme beings such as the almighty Zeus and beautiful Athena!”)

The essay uses good details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“ Odysseus is a larger-than-life hero. He is the strongest and the cleverest man anyone has ever heard of. He alone can string his bow and shoot it through a row of ax handles when he returns to Ithaca and must restore his power. After everything that happens to him and his men, he alone survives to wash up on Calypso’s island when his men die. He leads his men through many adventures, creating clever plans to escape from danger in every situation. First, he drags his men away from the dangers of the island of the lotus plants. Then when they are trapped in the cave of the giant Cyclops, Polyphemus, he begins to kill the ogre, but is smart enough to realize that only the giant can move the stone to free the men from the cave. Instead, he devises a plan to escape--tied to the bellies of sheep--after blinding Polyphemus.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“The Odyssey contains several extensive battle scenes. A major one is when he finally returns to Ithaca and must overcame the suitors who are living in his kingdom, trying to marry Penelope. Homer describes in vivid detail the battle between him and Telemachus and the suitors. ‘...turning to strike and strike again, while torn men moaned at death, and blood ran smoking over the whole floor.’ This is an extended simile because it doesn’t simply say that men are dying like thing that are torn, it goes into vivid detail, extending this simile.”)

Organization

Good organization is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion, consistent use of paragraphing, and consistent use of transitional devices.

The introduction creatively grabs readers’ attention by including a question. (“ How would you like to read a tale of a man struggling to return home after twenty years away from his family? Along the way all his companions die, leaving him to his own defenses. He must conquer angry gods and man-eating, one-eyed giants, relying on cleverness alone to escape life-or-death situations. Of course, even if he does get home, everyone in his kingdom will have turned against him! He must first regain his kingdom before his life will ever be the same. The Odyssey is such a story. It is a very famous epic, written by the blind poet Homer. The Odyssey contains several characteristics typical of an epic. Some of these are the involvement of a larger-than-life hero; a serious subject; extensive battle scenes; extended similes; and that the epic is written in large-scale proportions. Throughout the story of Odysseus’s adventures, there are many examples of these characteristics.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ Throughout the rest of the epic, Odyssseus is bottling wind and navigating carefully past Scylla, cleverly avoiding the even more dangerous Charybdis. … To conclude, The Odyssey is a typical epic. It has many characteristics of an epic, including extended similes, a serious subject, and a larger than life hero.”)

The introduction and the conclusion are connected through the writer’s reference to the “blind poet Homer.” (“ The Odyssey is such a story. It is a very famous epic, written by the blind poet Homer. The Odyssey contains several characteristics typical of an epic. Some of these are the involvement of a larger-than-life hero; a serious subject; extensive battle scenes; extended similes; and that the epic is written in large-scale proportions. Throughout the story of Odysseus’s adventures, there are many examples of these characteristics. … To conclude, The Odyssey is a typical epic. It has many characteristics of an epic, including extended similes, a serious subject, and a larger than life hero. The blind poet Homer was indeed an impressive writer of epics.”)

Language Use & Style

Good language use and style are evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured sentences with some variety.

The language and tone are consistent. (“ The Odyssey begins with Homer describing the good king Menalaus coming to summon Odysseus and his men to aid him in the Trojan war. Odysseus is forced to leave his beautiful wife Penelope and his newborn son, Telemachus. This is the first example of the serious subject of The Odyssey. Odysseus is heartbroken that he has to leave his son, but he knows he has to be loyal to Menalaus, so he gathers his men and sails to Troy . The Trojan war is another subject that is meant to be taken seriously. This was an important war and Odysseus played an important role in tricking the Trojans with the wooden horse and winning the war.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of both paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ Throughout the rest of the epic, Odyssseus is bottling wind and navigating carefully past Scylla, cleverly avoiding the even more dangerous Charybdis. Of course, a lot of Odysseus’ wisdom comes from gods and goddesses along the way, but this only serves to make him even larger--than--life. Not every mortal can communicate with supreme beings such as the almighty Zeus and beautiful Athena!”)

The complex sentence, “ After everything that happens to him and his men, he alone survives to wash up on Calypso’s island when his men die,” is used effectively.

Mechanics & Conventions

Good control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message.

For example:

Most sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ Odysseus is a larger-than-life hero.”)

Most sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Odyssey contains several extensive battle scenes.”)

Most sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ The Odyssey contains several characteristics typical of an epic.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

An epic is a long poem typically dealing with events which are legendary, historical, mythical or a combination. It typically involves a struggle of some description. An epic includes heores and gods and uses them for important lessons. An epic teaches the reader about could be life situations of strategy, loyalty, or bravery and many others. An epic is told by the person that the story is about. The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.

The Odyssey is an exciting adventure about a man named Odysseus’s, the king of Ithaca, journey home from the Trojan War.Odysseus has to overcome many obstacles on his way home from Troy, these obstacles are what make The Odyssey an epic.Odysseus hasa determination that not many people have that makes this tale interesting because it shows that he’s determined to finish something he’s already started no matter how long it takes him to finish it. It took Odysseus nearly 20 years to get home, but he made it. His determination to get home brings a good moral to this epic.

The Odyssey teaches the readers about bravery, strategy, loyalty, and sacrifce. Odysseus has to out smart many creatures in this story. He out smarted the cyclops and the nymph Calypso. He shows bravery by standing up to the gods, he disobeyed Poseidon and stood up for himself. He showed loyalty by making home to his wife and saving her from the suitors, and Penelope shows her loyalty by not marrying any of the suitors believing that Odysseus was coming back and that he wasn’t dead no matter what his mother believed before she died. The Odyssey also shows sacrifice because Odysseus sacrificed many men and many years without his wife and son just for a war and then to get home.

The Odyssey is an epic also because it is narrated by Odysseus himself. Odysseus explains all the events that happened to him: the Lotus-Eaters, the Sirens, Calypso, the Land of the Dead, the Cyclops, Scylla and Charybdis, the Cattle of the Sun God, Poseidon’s anger, and the suitors. He explained everything in detail, and this makes The Odyssey an epic, because its a narrated poem by the person the tale revolved around.

In conclusion, The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways by: lessons taught by the story, self narration, and a historical, mythical, legendary adventure of heroes and gods. The Odyssey is a good example of an epic because of these examples.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay exhibits adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and through the elements of what makes up an epic.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt and the literary selection. (“The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout. (“The Odyssey is an adventure about a man named Odysseus’s, the king of Ithaca, journey home from the Trojan War.Odysseus has to overcome many obstacles on his way home from Troy, these obstacles are what make The Odyssey an epic. … The Odyssey teaches the readers about bravery, strategy, loyalty, and sacrifce. … The Odyssey is an epic also because it is narrated by Odysseus himself.”)

The writer understands the intended audience adequately. (“An epic is a long poem typically dealing with events which are legendary, historical, mythical or a combination. It typically involves a struggle of some description. An epic includes heores and gods and uses them for important lessons. An epic teaches the reader about could be life situations of strategy, loyalty, or bravery and many others. An epic is told by the person that the story is about. The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are adequate. Ideas are developed adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence. Several elements of epics are specifically mentioned, although not quite as focused.

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Odysseus has to out smart many creatures in this story. He out smarted the cyclops and the nymph Calypso. He shows bravery by standing up to the gods, he disobeyed Poseidon and stood up for himself. He showed loyalty by making home to his wife and saving her from the suitors, and Penelope shows her loyalty by not marrying any of the suitors believing that Odysseus was coming back and that he wasn’t dead no matter what his mother believed before she died. The Odyssey also shows sacrifice because Odysseus sacrificed many men and many years without his wife and son just for a war and then to get home.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The Odyssey is an adventure about a man named Odysseus’s, the king of Ithaca, journey home from the Trojan War.Odysseus has to overcome many obstacles on his way home from Troy, these obstacles are what make The Odyssey an epic.Odysseus hasa determination that not many people have that makes this tale interesting because it shows that he’s determined to finish something he’s already started no matter how long it takes him to finish it. It took Odysseus nearly 20 years to get home, but he made it. His determination to get home brings a good moral to this epic.”)

The essay includes examples about each of the main ideas. (“The Odyssey teaches the readers about bravery, strategy, loyalty, and sacrifce. Odysseus has to out smart many creatures in this story. He out smarted the cyclops and the nymph Calypso. He shows bravery by standing up to the gods, he disobeyed Poseidon and stood up for himself. He showed loyalty by making home to his wife and saving her from the suitors, and Penelope shows her loyalty by not marrying any of the suitors believing that Odysseus was coming back and that he wasn’t dead no matter what his mother believed before she died. The Odyssey also shows sacrifice because Odysseus sacrificed many men and many years without his wife and son just for a war and then to get home.”)

Organization

Adequate organization is seen in this essay. The writing demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, inconsistent use of paragraphing, and inconsistent use of transitional devices.

“Five” and/or “Fifty” dollar words/phrases from the MY Access! Word Bank make the essay more creative. (“ The Odyssey is an exciting adventure about a man named Odysseus’s, the king of Ithaca , journey home from the Trojan War.”)

The essay demonstrates a good introduction. (“ An epic is a long poem typically dealing with events which are legendary, historical, mythical or a combination. It typically involves a struggle of some description. An epic includes heores and gods and uses them for important lessons. An epic teaches the reader about could be life situations of strategy, loyalty, or bravery and many others. An epic is told by the person that the story is about. The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.”)

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ An epic is a long poem typically dealing with events which are legendary, historical, mythical or a combination. It typically involves a struggle of some description. An epic includes heores and gods and uses them for important lessons. An epic teaches the reader about could be life situations of strategy, loyalty, or bravery and many others. An epic is told by the person that the story is about. The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate language use and style are apparent in this essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with an awareness of audience and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally used.

The lengths of the sentences are adequately varied. (“ An epic is a long poem typically dealing with events which are legendary, historical, mythical or a combination. It typically involves a struggle of some description. An epic includes heores and gods and uses them for important lessons. An epic teaches the reader about could be life situations of strategy, loyalty, or bravery and many others. An epic is told by the person that the story is about. The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways. First, The Odyssey is the adventure of Odysseus, who takes on the gods and becomes a hero. Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. Third, The Odyssey is a narrative poem, narrated by the person whom the epic is about.”)

Exact and specific words like “epic” and “heroes” from the research and prompt task are used adequately. (“ In conclusion, The Odyssey is an example of an epic in a few ways by: lessons taught by the story, self narration, and a historical, mythical, legendary adventure of heroes and gods. The Odyssey is a good example of an epic because of these examples.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor. For example, a more specific word should be used in the following excerpt from the essay rather than the more general word “things.” Also, in the second excerpt, the word “example” is used twice. (“ Second, there are many things taught in The Odyssey about life that an epic can teach. …The Odyssey is a good example of an epic because of these examples.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Adequate control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Many sentences have a subject and a verb (an action). (“ The Odyssey teaches the readers about bravery, strategy, loyalty, and sacrifce.”)

Many sentences end with a punctuation mark. (“ The Odyssey is an epic also because it is narrated by Odysseus himself.”)

Many sentences begin with a capital letter. (“ He explained everything in detail, and this makes The Odyssey an epic, because its a narrated poem by the person the tale revolved around.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Odyssey and an epic are the same in many ways. The Odyssey is a long famous poem that was made thousands of years ago by a man named Homer. An epic is a is a long narrative poem that deeds into a hero. Also an epic use history, myth, and legend. In the Odyssey it has a hero named Odysseus and uses history, myth, and legend. It shows history when Odysseus sailed to Tory for the Trojan war. They use myth and legend when they talk about the gods and goddesses. Like Zeus the god of all gods with his mighty thunderbolt and Athena the goddess of wisdom, crafts, and war. She helped odysseus in his journey home and to kill all the suitors.

In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life. One adventures he had was the Cyclops. Odysseus landed on an island and took only 12 men to explore the island. while exploring them came across a cave inside the cave they found cheese so they started to eat. then while eating a gigantic cyclops comes in and he and Odysseus start to talk. Odysseus angered the Cyclops and the Cyclops eats two of his men and trapped them in there so they cant get out. So every day the cyclops will eat two of this men and odysseus will be the last to be eaten. When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye. so when the cyclops got back they gave him wine. They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind. So now they blinded him they could escape so they tied them self to they sheep and escaped.

So the Odyssey and an epic are the same. they both have history, myths, and legend in there story. they aslo have many strange and larger then life adventures

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and the elements of an epic through a controlling idea.

The essay states a limited controlling idea. (“The Odyssey and an epic are the same in many ways. The Odyssey is a long famous poem that was made thousands of years ago by a man named Homer. An epic is a is a long narrative poem that deeds into a hero. Also an epic use history, myth, and legend. In the Odyssey it has a hero named Odysseus and uses history, myth, and legend. It shows history when Odysseus sailed to Tory for the Trojan war. They use myth and legend when they talk about the gods and goddesses. Like Zeus the god of all gods with his mighty thunderbolt and Athena the goddess of wisdom, crafts, and war. She helped odysseus in his journey home and to kill all the suitors.”)

The essay only includes limited details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life. One adventures he had was the Cyclops. Odysseus landed on an island and took only 12 men to explore the island. while exploring them came across a cave inside the cave they found cheese so they started to eat. then while eating a gigantic cyclops comes in and he and Odysseus start to talk. Odysseus angered the Cyclops and the Cyclops eats two of his men and trapped them in there so they cant get out. So every day the cyclops will eat two of this men and odysseus will be the last to be eaten. When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye. so when the cyclops got back they gave him wine. They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind. So now they blinded him they could escape so they tied them self to they sheep and escaped.”)

In the introduction, only a limited supporting idea of the essay is stated. (“The Odyssey and an epic are the same in many ways. The Odyssey is a long famous poem that was made thousands of years ago by a man named Homer. An epic is a is a long narrative poem that deeds into a hero. Also an epic use history, myth, and legend. In the Odyssey it has a hero named Odysseus and uses history, myth, and legend. It shows history when Odysseus sailed to Tory for the Trojan war. They use myth and legend when they talk about the gods and goddesses. Like Zeus the god of all gods with his mighty thunderbolt and Athena the goddess of wisdom, crafts, and war. She helped odysseus in his journey home and to kill all the suitors.”)

Content & Development

This essay demonstrates limited content and development. Ideas are developed briefly and inconsistently, using little specific or accurate evidence from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life. One adventures he had was the Cyclops. Odysseus landed on an island and took only 12 men to explore the island. while exploring them came across a cave inside the cave they found cheese so they started to eat. then while eating a gigantic cyclops comes in and he and Odysseus start to talk. Odysseus angered the Cyclops and the Cyclops eats two of his men and trapped them in there so they cant get out. So every day the cyclops will eat two of this men and odysseus will be the last to be eaten. When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye. so when the cyclops got back they gave him wine. They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind. So now they blinded him they could escape so they tied them self to they sheep and escaped.”)

The essay uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life. One adventures he had was the Cyclops. Odysseus landed on an island and took only 12 men to explore the island. while exploring them came across a cave inside the cave they found cheese so they started to eat. then while eating a gigantic cyclops comes in and he and Odysseus start to talk. Odysseus angered the Cyclops and the Cyclops eats two of his men and trapped them in there so they cant get out. So every day the cyclops will eat two of this men and odysseus will be the last to be eaten. When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye. so when the cyclops got back they gave him wine. They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind. So now they blinded him they could escape so they tied them self to they sheep and escaped.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life. One adventures he had was the Cyclops. Odysseus landed on an island and took only 12 men to explore the island. while exploring them came across a cave inside the cave they found cheese so they started to eat. then while eating a gigantic cyclops comes in and he and Odysseus start to talk. Odysseus angered the Cyclops and the Cyclops eats two of his men and trapped them in there so they cant get out. So every day the cyclops will eat two of this men and odysseus will be the last to be eaten. When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye. so when the cyclops got back they gave him wine. They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind. So now they blinded him they could escape so they tied them self to they sheep and escaped.”)

Organization

This essay contains limited organization. The writing demonstrates some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks adequate paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction includes some background information about the topic. (“ The Odyssey and an epic are the same in many ways. The Odyssey is a long famous poem that was made thousands of years ago by a man named Homer. An epic is a is a long narrative poem that deeds into a hero. Also an epic use history, myth, and legend. In the Odyssey it has a hero named Odysseus and uses history, myth, and legend. It shows history when Odysseus sailed to Tory for the Trojan war. They use myth and legend when they talk about the gods and goddesses. Like Zeus the god of all gods with his mighty thunderbolt and Athena the goddess of wisdom, crafts, and war. She helped odysseus in his journey home and to kill all the suitors.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ So the Odyssey and an epic are the same. they both have history, myths, and legend in there story. they aslo have many strange and larger then life adventures.”)

Language Use & Style

Limited use of language and style is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. The essay also relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ When the Cyclops left with his sheep and goats Odysseus an his men made a plan they sharpen up a walking stick and waited for the night so they could stab him in the eye.”)

The lengths of the sentences are short. (“ An epic is a is a long narrative poem that deeds into a hero. Also an epic use history, myth, and legend. In the Odyssey it has a hero named Odysseus and uses history, myth, and legend. It shows history when Odysseus sailed to Tory for the Trojan war. They use myth and legend when they talk about the gods and goddesses.”)

Exact words are missing, such as the word “him” in the following example: “ They got him drunk and he went to sleep so they took the sharpen stick and stabbed in the eye and he went blind.”

There is repetition. (“In an epic there are adventures that are larger than life. the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There is limited control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence should:

Have a subject and a verb (an action). (“Like Zeus the god of all gods with his mighty thunderbolt and Athena the goddess of wisdom, crafts, and war.”)

End with a punctuation mark. (“they aslo have many strange and larger then life adventures”)

Begin with a capital letter. (“the Odyssey there are many adventures that are larger than life.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Odyssey is like an epic in very many ways. First of all an epic is a long narrative poem, that relates deeds of a hero. Epics incorporate myth, legend, folk tale, and history, and usually reflects the values of the societies from which they originate. The tone is generally grand, and the heroes and their adventures appear to be larger that life

Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates minimal focus and meaning. It establishes an incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, or the elements of what makes up an epic through a controlling idea.

The essay only includes few, minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

In the introduction, a clear thesis statement is not stated. (“The Odyssey is like an epic in very many ways. First of all an epic is a long narrative poem, that relates the deeds of a hero. Epics incorporate myth, legend, folk tale, and history, and usually reflects the values of the societies from which they originate. The tone is generally grand, and the heroes and their adventures appear to be larger that life”)

Content & Development

Minimal content and development are seen throughout this essay. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

Each main idea should be written as topic sentence in its own body paragraph. This essay only contains one body paragraph. (“Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Important details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are needed to explain and illustrate each main idea. (“Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Organization

Minimal organization is evident in this essay. The writing demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion and little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay does little to grab readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The Odyssey is like an epic in very many ways. First of all an epic is a long narrative poem, that relates the deeds of a hero. Epics incorporate myth, legend, folk tale, and history, and usually reflects the values of the societies from which they originate. The tone is generally grand, and the heroes and their adventures appear to be larger that life”)

There is little evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The tone is generally grand, and the heroes and their adventures appear to be larger that life. …Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share.”)

The conclusion does little to summarize the main points of the essay, as there is no actual conclusion. Instead, the essay ends with the second paragraph. (“ Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Language Use & Style

Minimal language use and style are displayed in this essay. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience and basic errors made in sentence structure and usage.

Exact words are missing. (“ First of all an epic is a long narrative poem, that relates deeds of a hero.”)

The essay should use more varied and appropriate transitions, rather than only simple transitions, such as “another” and “also.” (“ Here are some qualities that the Odyssey and an epic share. They are both a long narrative poem. In the book it has many epic similes. An epic simile is a simile that goes on and on.Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus. For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse. Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Some word choices are slightly confused. For example, the writer uses the word “that” instead of “than” twice in the phrase “larger that life.” (“ Another quality that they have in common is that epics tell the adventures the heroes went on and how they were larger that life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Minimal control of mechanics and conventions is seen in this essay. There are patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that substantially interfere with the communication of the message.

For example:

Each sentence does not include correct use of punctuation. (“Also; it tells the deeds of a hero, in this case Odysseus.”)

Each sentence does not end with a punctuation mark. (“The tone is generally grand, and the heroes and their adventures appear to be larger that life”)

Each sentence does not demonstrate the correct use of capitalization. (“For example in the cyclopse, he and his men plan to kill the cyclopse.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though Cyclopes. Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Inadequate focus and meaning are apparent in this essay. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and elements of epics through a controlling idea.

The essay includes inadequate details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

The essay does not state the controlling idea in one sentence. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Content & Development

Inadequate content and development are shown in this essay. The writing fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

Little or no evidence is used to explain the controlling idea of the essay, which is quite vague. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates inadequate organization. The essay shows no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion, no evidence of paragraphing, and no evidence of transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates no evidence of a good introduction, as the essay only consists of one paragraph. (“ The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“ The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though cyclopes, Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Language Use & Style

Language use and style are inadequate within this essay. The essay demonstrates unclear language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though Cyclopes.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.”)

Transitions are needed. (“ The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though Cyclopes. Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Inadequate control of mechanics and conventions is displayed in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Each sentence in the essay does not:

Contain a subject and a verb (an action). (“Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

End with a punctuation mark. (“Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

Begin with a capital letter. (“a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.”)

Also, each sentence does not include correctly spelled words, which makes the writing confusing and often incoherent. (“The Odyssey by Homer was a very famous epic and been shared for thousands of year.a Epic is long and verges adventure with numerous of dangerous obstocals.In the Odyssey It tells about A man named odysses who were sent to go too troy to fight and on the way back to find himself an a long epic journey that had cuntless of adventures with quntaese of hazersous obstacles that odesses and his men had to go through, like having to go though Cyclopes. Three headed monster and also the dangerous Posiedon waves”)

The Speeches in Julius Caesar

After the death of Julius Caesar, both Brutus and Marc Anthony spoke to the public. In a well-developed essay, compare and contrast the two speeches, explaining the outcome of the speeches and relating them to the eventual outcome of the entire play. Use quotes from the speeches to support your statements.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

'Et tu, Brutus?' are the tragic last words spoken by Julius Caesar as Brutus plunges his sword to assist his fellow senators in the assassination of their ruler. With that, Julius Caesar dies, and the senators have to explain themselves to the Roman public. The underlying force in Rome is not the emperor or Senate but the people. If you intend to make a change, you need to have the Roman people on your side, or you will surely fail. So thus began the race between Brutus and Marc Anthony to see who will win Roman approval first. They take turns in delivering speeches at Caesar's funeral, with Brutus insisting on being first.

Brutus steps up to the platform, high above the crowd and looks down on them as he speaks. His plea to the people is that he and Cassius and the other senators, killed Caesar for the people. He tells them that Caesar was too ambitious, and that the people would have suffered under him. He has no real proof to back his beliefs, but he tells the people that though indeed he loved Caesar, he loved the Republic more. Brutus appeals to the crowd using his reputation for being noble, "Believe me for mine honor, and have respect for mine honor that you may believe." (Act 3. Sc. 2 Lines 15-17) His smooth talking and politician style makes it seem like he is in the right and his lack of emotion seems at first like he is knowledgeable. Another thing he uses is manipulation, "Who is here so base that would be a bondman? If any, speak, for him I have offended. Who is here so rude that would not be a Roman? If any, speak, for him I have offended. Who here is so vile that will not love his country? If any, speak, for him I have offended." (Act 3. Sc. 2 Lines 30-36) Brutus manipulates them into a position where they are forced to agree with him. If they don't agree with him, they betray the Republic and will upset the crowd. His words also sound patriotic and brave which deceive the crowd. But Brutus was foolish in asking Antony to follow him because Anthony will turn the tables.

Anthony has the means with which to disprove Brutus's flimsy ideas. Caesar ambitious? "[Caesar] hath brought home many captives home to Rome , whose ransoms did the general coffers fill. Did this Caesar seem ambitious? When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept; ambition should be made of sterner stuff. Yet Brutus says he was ambitious, and Brutus is an honorable man. You all did see that on the Lupercal I thrice presented him a kingly crown, which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?" (Act 3. Sc. 2 Lines 97-106) Anthony's words make a lot of sense to the crowd who begin to see that Brutus's beliefs were based on suspicion and feelings rather than fact or observances. Anthony's skill in dealing with the crowd is better too. He uses litotes in which he says one thing but means the opposite, implying something to the crowd without saying it outright. "Brutus is an honorable man." (Several times in Act 3. Sc. 2) Yet, Anthony does not believe Brutus is an honorable man, and the lines that follow show this.

He invokes their emotion by crying or pretending to cry and excites them by showing the will and then withholding it. He actually also rarely states the truth, spending the majority of his time working the emotions of the crowd with his own facial expressions and tears. The one time he does state the truth is when he gazes on the body of Caesar and recognizes his cloak as the one worn before on a battle campaign. This reminds the Romans of the happy and proud memories they had of Caesar in times gone by and makes them more upset over Caesar's death. Finally, Anthony descends to the crowd's own level unlike Brutus which wins them completely over to his side.

So what was the result of these speeches? Brutus's speech resulted in temporary approval, and they were on his side until Anthony began his speech. Anthony turned the tide on Brutus and the conspirators with his speech, and the crowd became outraged. Their immediate act was to wreak havoc in the forums and streets and then in the wild fury, Cinna the poet is killed because he shares a name with one of the conspirators. Brutus, Cassius and the conspirators are forced to flee and gather their armies. A war ensues between the Romans and the conspirators. The war is never won or lost because before then Cassius commits suicide due to confusion and several other conspirators copy him. Then the conspiracy crumbles.

The eventual outcome of the play is that the conspiracy's attempt to kill Caesar's soul fails, for Caesar's soul never dies but merely moves into a new body - Mark Anthony's. Caesar rises again, and it is evident whose speech had more effect. Because Anthony was able to follow Brutus at the funeral and crush the previous speech, winning over Rome to his side, he began the war. The reason for this is Brutus's miscalculations. The whole play is full of the conspirators' miscalculations. Allowing Anthony to speak after Brutus was a huge miscalculation in which they lost the Roman mob. The eventual outcome of the play is also resultant of further miscalculations. Cassius commits suicide because of a miscalculation and Brutus's army miscalculates when to strike. Miscalculations can only result in failure and that is what the conspiracy ends up being - an utter failure. Caesar's spirit still lives.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer demonstrates a very effective, engaging, and constant focus and meaning. The writer clearly and strongly constructs an insightful focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes an in-depth comparison of the speeches given by Mark Anthony and Brutus as well as an analysis of the speeches’ effects on Rome . (“ The one time he does state the truth is when he gazes on the body of Caesar and recognizes his cloak as the one worn before on a battle campaign. This reminds the Romans of the happy and proud memories they had of Caesar in times gone by and makes them more upset over Caesar's death. Finally, Anthony descends to the crowd's own level unlike Brutus which wins them completely over to his side.”) The writer also uses direct quotations from the text to effectively define his/her central idea.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and effective. Ideas are fully and artfully introduced and developed (“Brutus steps up to the platform, high above the crowd and looks down on them as he speaks. His plea to the people is that he and Cassius and the other senators, killed Caesar for the people”) by using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and detailed and effective quotes. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to draw comparisons between the characters’ speeches and these speeches’ effects on Rome .

Organization

In this essay, the importance of the two main characters’ speeches is effectively established in the opening paragraph (“ With that, Julius Caesar dies, and the senators have to explain themselves to the Roman public. The underlying force in Rome is not the emperor or Senate but the people. If you intend to make a change, you need to have the Roman people on your side”) and supported by a cohesive, unified structure and strong conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are sound and the structure of the essay is cohesive throughout the entire essay.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and effective. The writer compares the two speeches and characters in a diverse and descriptive manner and chooses words that imaginatively engage the reader. The writer’s voice remains well-defined and engaging, and he/she establishes a strong sense of audience. (“The eventual outcome of the play is that the conspiracy's attempt to kill Caesar's soul fails, for Caesar's soul never dies but merely moves into a new body - Mark Anthony's. Caesar rises again, and it is evident whose speech had more effect.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer establishes effective control of mechanics and conventions throughout the essay. (“Miscalculations can only result in failure and that is what the conspiracy ends up being - an utter failure. Caesar's spirit still lives.”) Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist. These errors do not interfere with communication of the writer’s argument.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The weak minded are most easily manipulated and deceived. In the play, Julius Caesar, by William Shakespeare, Marc Anthony and Brutus persuade the people of Rome with strong speeches about the death of Caesar. Brutus' speech justifies the demise of Caesar, while Anthony's speech glorifies Caesar and wrongs Brutus and the conspirators for their treachery. In the end, Anthony's oration surpasses Brutus' address persuading the people of Rome against the conspirators' treachery and the death of their beloved leader.

In his oration, Brutus claims that he murdered Cesar for the good of Rome . Brutus states' to all the people of Rome "Hath you rather Caesar living, and die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to live all freeman?".(Act 3 Scene 2) The mighty Brutus reveals a cruel future for Rome if Caesar were to become king and gets into the audiences' thoughts. Brutus informs the people of Rome that the murder was not personal. It was merely caused by Caesars' ambition to gain power. The Romans are realizing that Brutus is not cold hearted and are questioning their loyalty to Caesar. Through powerful predictions and corruption by Caesar, Brutus gained the trust of the Roman people.

The weak minded are most easily manipulated and deceived. First, Marc Antony receives their attention by saying, "You all did love him once, not without cause. What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?."(Act 3 Scene 2) The people of Rome are wondering why they have betrayed their beloved leader and realize their errors through Anthony's words. Anthony then addresses Rome about Caesar's trust in Brutus by saying,"For Brutus as you know,was Caesar's angel. Judge, O you gods, how dearly Caesar loved him!" (Act 3 Scene 2) The Roman people start to question Brutus" honor and wonder if their trust would suffer the same fate as did Caesar's. Antony completes the manipulation by reading Caesar's as "Here is the will, under Caesar's seal. To every Roman citizen he gives, To every several man, seventy-five drachmas."(Act 3 Scene 2) Bribed by greed the people of Rome are now in favor of their dead leader. By using treachery and petty pleasures Anthony successfully wins the crowd over.

Both Brutus' and Anthony's orations proved most persuading in gaining the Roman peoples' trust. Brutus' own prediction of a grim future was a very persuasive point , but Anthony's example of Brutus' distrust countered the earlier statement. The counter statement of Brutus betraying Caesar would persuave the people of Rome to think that Brutus' prediction was all a lie. Brutus' justification of Ceases death as being for the good of Rome was also countered by Marc Anthony. Acknowledging the will for Rome the people started to assume that Caesar was for the good of Rome . Though very different both orations proved most effective in the manipulation of the Roman public.

Eventually, it was Anthony's oration that triumped over Brutus' address and gained the Roman peoples' trust.The devotion of the Roman people would go to their fallen leader who in their eyes was honorable and generous.While their anger would lash out at Brutus and the conspirators.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout this essay, the writer writes with a clear focus and meaning. The writer maintains a consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establishes a strong comparison between the speeches given by Mark Anthony and Brutus, and he/she shows how the speeches affect Rome . The writer also uses direct quotations from the text to reference to the central idea of the essay. (“The weak minded are most easily manipulated and deceived. First, Marc Anthony receives their attention by saying, ‘You all did love him once, not without cause. What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?’”)

Content & Development

The content of the essay is creative, descriptive, and clear. Ideas are clearly introduced by using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and detailed quotes. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to create a strong overall comparison of the characters’ speeches and their effects on Rome . (“The mighty Brutus reveals a cruel future for Rome if Caesar were to become king and gets into the audiences' thoughts. Brutus informs the people of Rome that the murder was not personal. It was merely caused by Caesars' ambition to gain power.”)

Organization

In this essay, the importance of the two main characters’ speeches is clearly defined in the opening paragraph (“ Marc Anthony and Brutus persuade the people of Rome with strong speeches about the death of Caesar. Brutus' speech justifies the demise of Caesar, while Anthony's speech glorifies Caesar and wrongs Brutus and the conspirators for their treachery”) and supported by a cohesive, unified structure and conclusion. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs flow throughout the entire essay. The structure of the essay remains cohesive throughout its duration.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains creative, artful, and appropriate. The writer compares the two speeches and characters in a clever manner, choosing words that strongly hold the reader’s interest. (“Brutus' own prediction of a grim future was a very persuasive point , but Anthony's example of Brutus' distrust countered the earlier statement. The counter statement of Brutus betraying Caesar.”) The writer’s voice is clearly defined, and he/she has a strong sense of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains good control over mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece (“Through powerful predictions and corruption by Caesar, Brutus gained the trust of the Roman people”). A few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Has it ever happened to you that your friend went behind your back and backstabbed you.In the play Julius Caesar written by William shakepeare's is a tragedy of two man who were good friends and how one pursue the other to go against one another, both Brutus and Antony talk to the citizens of roman to talk to them about caesar's death and they each try to get to romans to believe in what they have to say. For each speech manly focuses on the peoples emotion and love for caesar but the Antony gets the romans to battle against the conspirators.

At first, Brutus goes directly talking about why caesar needed to be killed. Brutus was like a brother to caesar an d he wanted to the people of roman to know that he was a great and honorable man who was respected by the people by speaking to the citizens by saying, '' Believe me for mine honor, and have respect to mine honor that you may believe.'' This way he made the people believe in that the was telling the truth. So he and the conspirators would be safe to tell them why they killed caesar. Brutus told the citizens that Caesar was ambitious and that he wanted to take over rome and as a result him and the conirators wanted to save rome by killing Caesar at the senate. By Brutus's speech the citizen believed in his honesty.

But then, Antony speech focuses on the emotions of the people to make them go against the conspirators. Although he continually says that Brutus is an ''honorable'' man, he uses the word in an almost sarcastic manner. Although he believed that brutus would never do anything wrong, Brutus' actions against Caesar were not heroic or noble but morally wrong. To futher manipulate the citizen's emotions, Antony wisely incorporated things that would infuriate the roman crowd. For instance, Antony tells the people that Caesar left each citizen of Rome "75 drachmas" and all his gardens and ardors. The people are angry that a great man would be so generous. By reading the will, Antony sways the crowd to believe that Caesar was not a tyrant and was killed unfairly. Ultimately, Antony 's speech is successful in perusading the citizens of Rome to rise up against the conspirators, and therefore against Brutus.

Although there are many differences in Brutus' an Antony 's speeches, both orators had much in common. In paticular, both men addressed the greatness of Caesar calling him a "good ruler" and "faithful to Rome ". it was evident in their speeches that Antony and Brutus were good friends and loyal to Caesar durring times of war. Another quality the speeches had in common was that both orators addressed the good people of Rome . As Brutus stated " Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more" demonstrates that Brutus was concerned for the people of Rome . Likewise, Antony states that he is keeping the well being of the Romans foremost like Caesar had. For Antony the Roman citizens needed a leader who would be true to the state.

Consequently, Antony 's speech, unlike Brutus' oration was able to convinve the citizen that Caesar was a loyal king. Antony used persuasive techniques that focused on emotions and geed to. It was because of their speeches that the people of Rome were able to identify which side they needed to take.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be best described as adequate. The writer maintains a basic, fairly consistent focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer also establi shes a comparison between the speeches given by Mark Anthony and Brutus, and he/she touches on their overall effects on Rome . (“Consequently, Antony 's speech, unlike Brutus' oration was able to convinve the citizen that Caesar was a loyal king. Antony used persuasive techniques that focused on emotions and geed to. It was because of their speeches that the people of Rome were able to identify which side they needed to take”). The writer also demonstrates a general use of quotations from the text in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is fairly descriptive and clear. Ideas are introduced using some specific, accurate evidence and quotes. The writer uses his/her knowledge of the text to adequately create a comparison of the characters’ speeches and their effects on Rome . (“Although there are many differences in Brutus' an Antony 's speeches, both orators had much in common. In paticular, both men addressed the greatness of Caesar calling him a ‘good ruler’ and ‘faithful to Rome ’.")

Organization

In this essay, the importance of the two main characters’ speeches is identified in the opening paragraph and supported by a fairly cohesive, unified structure. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are apparent, but they are occasionally inconsistent. (“ as a result him and the conirators wanted to save rome by killing Caesar at the senate. By Brutus's speech the citizen believed in his honesty….But then, Antony speech focuses on the emotions of the people to make them go against the conspirators”). The structure of the essay remains generally cohesive with a noticeable introduction, conclusion, and minimal use of transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains adequate and appropriate. The writer compares the two speeches and characters in a general fashion, and he/she uses words that generally hold the reader’s interest. (“ Antony tells the people that Caesar left each citizen of Rome ‘75 drachmas’ and all his gardens and ardors. the people are angry that a great man would be so generous.”) The writer demonstrates a basic control of voice and an awareness of audience.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains an adequate control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may slightly detract from communication of the writer’s message. (“At first, Brutus goes directly talking about why caesar needed to be killed. Brutus was like a brother to caesar an d he wanted to the people of roman to know that he was a great and honorable man.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Ambitious people have killed a man for a noble act or for a reason that your conscience tells you that killing that person is the right thing to do but, in a coward way. In the tragedy of Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare caesar was kill by the noble Brutus. After the death of Caesar Brutus gave a speech saying why did he killed Caesar. Brutus purpose was to protect Rome from beaming a bad place ruled by a tyrant. Antony was one of Caesar friends and gave a speech in the honorable death of Caesar.

To begin with, Brutus is hobble man because after Brutus murder Caesar he gave a speech for caesar and telling why he murdered Caesar. In the speech that Brutus gave, Brutus said that Caesar was ambitious and that he was going to treat then like salves. Brutus wanted the people of Rome to see that he killed Caesar for the future of Rome and to see that he was innocent for the murder of Caesar. Brutus wanted the people of Rome to be free an a be rule by a tyrant. Brutus finally finished giving the speech and the Romans were happy and believed Brutus and the people were grateful for Brutus act in saving Rome .

As a result, Antony was mad and seek revenge on the conspirators and Brutus for killing Caesar, so Antony decided to turn the crowed against them. Antony gave a speech and said that if Brutus said that Caesar was ambitious it was a grievous fault. Antony said that Caesar was a great ruler and he was the one that saved then from Pompey. Antony said that if Caesar was a tyrant we wouldn't of left then a wil said that the people of Rome would get money.

In conclusion, Caesar was a great leader acordind to the speech of Antony not like brutus and saying he was evil.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as limited. The writer maintains a basic, somewhat vague focus in the essay’s opening, supporti ng, and closing paragraphs. The writer does attempt to compare the speeches given by Mark Anthony and Brutus, but the comparison is vague. ( “Brutus gave a speech saying why did he killed Caesar. Brutus purpose was to protect Rome from beaming a bad place ruled by a tyrant. Antony was one of Caesar friends and gave a speech in the honorable death of Caesar.”) The writer also demonstrates a brief use of direct quotations in reference to the central idea of the essay.

Content & Development

The content of the essay is very limited. Descriptions are somewhat vague and brief. (“ To begin with, Brutus is hobble man because after Brutus murder Caesar he gave a speech for caesar and telling why he murdered Caesar.”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The writer’s use of quotations from the text is brief and makes unclear connections with the main idea of the essay. The writer does make an overall attempt to compare the characters’ speeches and their effects on Rome .

Organization

In this essay, information regarding the two main characters and the importance of their speeches is present but limited. The overall descriptive support within the opening, body, and conclusion is lacking. (“ In conclusion, Caesar was a great leader acordind to the speech of Antony not like brutus and saying he was evil”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are inconsistent, and the author’s arguments remain brief, uncertain, or conflicting.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer’s use of language and style remains simple and limited. The writer compares the two speeches and characters in a basic manner, using generic, non-descriptive words. The author demonstrates some awareness of an audience, and his/her voice is occasionally apparent. (“As a result, Antony was mad and seek revenge on the conspirators and Brutus for killing Caesar, so Antony decided to turn the crowed against them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains limited control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are noticeable and may detract from the communication of the message. (“Brutus said that Caesar was ambitious and that he was going to treat then like salves.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

The speeches that are expressed thoughout the story and the words that are used can persuade anyone's idea. Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare in the drama, both Brutus and Antony gave direct speeches to the audience about Caesar's death and how he should die. Mark Antony was giving a direct speech about Caesar while praising him and was saying some thing about Caesar in his monologe.

To begin, Brutus made his speech directly after assassinating Caesar to justify his killing and will being. People say that Brutus is a respected man and he spoke to the confused citizens and addressed his speech to respect them and say " Believe me for mine honor and have respect to mine honor that you may believe". The people of Rome highly respect Brutus and the things he does, like he killed Caesar at the senate and saving the people of Rome.Brutus's intentions to take care of the people and also join the conspirators by saving Rome and killing Caesar as well.

On the other hand, Antony used his monologe after Caesar's death by turning the Roman mob against the conspirators.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The focus and meaning in this essay can be described as minimal. The writer maintains a confused and incomplete focus in the essay’s opening, supporting, and closing paragraphs. The writer makes almost no attempt to create a comparison between the speeches given by the principal characters or their overall effects on Rome . The writer also uses minimal quotations or references to the text throughout the written piece. (“Mark Antony was giving a direct speech about Caesar while praising him and was saying some thing about Caesar in his monologue.”)

Content & Development

The content of this essay can be described as brief and incomplete. Descriptions contain little to no detail and are not developed in ways that fully address the main ideas of the essay. (“The people of Rome highly respect Brutus and the things he does, like he killed Caesar at the senate and saving the people of Rome .”) Ideas are introduced using little specific or accurate evidence. The use of direct quotations is brief, and the writer struggles to connect them with the main idea of the essay. The comparison of the characters’ speeches and their effects on Rome is vague at best.

Organization

In this essay, the use of information regarding the two main characters and the importance of their speeches is minimal. Descriptions within the opening, body, and conclusion are lacking and incomplete. ( “Mark Antony was giving a direct speech about Caesar while praising him and was saying some thing about Caesar in his monologue.”) Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are few in number, and they do not support the writer’s argument.

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer showcases a poor use of language and style. The writer compares the two speeches and characters in a minimal fashion, using non-descriptive language. (“both Brutus and Antony gave direct speeches to the audience about Caesar's death and how he should die.”) The writer displays little awareness of audience and voice, while committing basic errors in sentence structure, word choice , and usage.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains minimal control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“Brutus is a respected man and he spoke to the confused citizens and addressed his speech to respect them.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the play Julius Caesar, Caesar gets killed by all the conspirators and by Brutus. everyone got the chance to stab him really badly that was really mest up because I thought they were all good friends but they weren't because the conspirators didn't want Caesar to be the main leader.

So that's why they all killed poor Caesar and then Marc Anthony spoke to the whole public about what and then all the public got shocked about what had happened with the conspirators and especially Brutus.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Throughout the essay, the writer demonstrates an inadequate focus and creates no actual meaning. The writer fails to establish any type of focus in regards to answering the main ideas listed in the prompt. (“Caesar gets killed by all the conspirators and by Brutus. everyone got the chance to stab him really badly that was really mest up.”) There is no comparison between the speeches given by the principal characters. The writer uses no reference material or quotations from the text to create any kind of argument.

Content & Development

The writing throughout this essay fails to contain adequately developed content. Descriptions and comparisons of the principal characters remain brief, unclear, and are developed in a way that does not fully address the main ideas of the text (“and then Marc Anthony spoke to the whole public about what had happened to Julius Caesar and then all the public got shocked about what had happened”). Ideas are introduced using little to no specific or accurate evidence. Any reference to the text fails to connect with the main idea of the essay.

Organization

In this essay, information regarding the two main characters and the importance of their speeches is partial. There is no structure within the argument, and there is also no visible introduction or conclusion. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are non-existent (“ So that's why they all killed poor Caesar and then Marc Anthony spoke to the whole public about what”).

Language Use & Style

Throughout the essay, the writer fails to use language in an engaging manner. There is no awareness of an audience and no use of voice (“everyone got the chance to stab him really badly that was really mest up because I thought they were all good friends”). There is also no evidence of varied sentence structure or word choice.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains no control of mechanics and conventions throughout the written piece. Significant errors in grammar, (“Caesar gets killed by all the conspirators and by Brutus. everyone got the chance to stab him really badly that was really mest up because I thought they were all good friends”) mechanics, punctuation, and spelling exist, and they greatly interfere with the communication of the message.

“The Story of an Eyewitness” by Jack London

Read the account of the San Francisco Earthquake by Jack London. In a well developed essay, analyze Jack London's use of vivid language in his account of the San Francisco Earthquake.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Jack London's chilling report of San Francisco 's earthquake left me with vivid images of what happened. As the disaster raged on, Mr. London describes the flames with unsurpassable detail. The description of the citizens as they scramble to save their trunks and belongings. His telling of what happened on Kearny Street as the flames beared down. Mr. London was able to capture the emotions and the scenes of this disaster and write it for the whole world to read.

Jack London starts his account of San Francisco 's earthquake with a brief telling of what the earthquake did in damage. The detail he used creates amazing images as if the reader was actually there. "The streets were ... ridges and depressions, and piled with the debris of fallen walls." Mr. London continues by describing the rising smoke as "...a lurid tower swayed in the sky, reddening the sun, darkening the day, and filling the land..." This retelling is a shock to the senses and to the imagination.

“Astonishing” describes the retelling of the disaster; it continues by describing the "Caravan of Trunks" as the many citizens scrambled to escape the flames with as many belongings as possible. "Now and again they lightened up, flinging out... clothing and treasures they had dragged for miles." Jack London captures perfectly the emotions of many as they became too weak and were forced to leave their treasures behind for the flames to consume. His account continues by saying that most of the "exhausted creatures" continued, only because of the menace of the picket line's bayonets. The following segment, "Caravan of Trunks," ends with Jack London's telling of how the laborers buried their trunks to keep them safe from the fire and the middle-class were forced to leave their trunks behind.

Standing in the center of San Francisco , Mr. London details how everything was at peace Wednesday evening. Jack London details Kearny Street as everything in perfect order with no fire around. All of this changed at one o'clock, Thursday morning. "The street was a wall of flame." And Mr. London states that there were two United States cavalrymen calmly watching the street burn. The emotions that this creates can make a reader practically feel the despair of the cavalrymen as they watch San Francisco burn.

Jack London concludes the account by telling what happened to the survivors. From what was written in the text above, a reader can understand what Mr. London saw and felt as he recounts the disaster. All said and done though, Mr. London did an excellent job retelling the fears, the emotions, the disaster of San Francisco 's earthquake. This account would be a great read for anyone interested in the history of San Francisco .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay appears to have been powerfully affected by the reading of London ’s story. His/her controlling idea is right on target (“Jack London's chilling report of San Francisco 's earthquake left me with vivid images of what happened. As the disaster raged on, Mr. London describes the flames with unsurpassable detail … This retelling is a shock to the senses and to the imagination”). The analysis that follows contains depth and insight and is fully connected to the writing task. As it is written, this essay clearly completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

Throughout this essay, the writer makes several references to London ’s story that highlight his use of vivid language. From these citations, the writer draws interesting conclusions about the impact of London’s language (“Jack London captures perfectly the emotions of many as they became too weak and were forced to leave their treasures behind for the flames to consume” and “The emotions that this creates can make a reader practically feel the despair of the cavalrymen as they watch San Francisco burn”). These citations are both specific and accurate in their support for the writer’s interpretation.

Organization

For the most part, this essay demonstrates a very effective organizational strategy. Both the introduction and conclusion are clear and deftly focus the reader’s attention on the writer’s analysis of the text (“From what was written in the text above, a reader can understand what Mr. London saw and felt as he recounts the disaster”). The body paragraphs are tightly wrapped around select portions of the writer’s discussion and flow well from beginning to end.

Language Use & Style

The writer of this essay communicates with the reader using a wide and generous vocabulary. Words and phrases appear to have been crafted carefully, with an emphasis on their descriptive properties (“chilling report … a shock to the senses and to the imagination … leave their treasures behind for the flames to consume”). While most of the sentences in this essay are clear and well-structured, a few fragmentary exceptions appear from time to time (“The description of the citizens as they scramble to save their trunks and belongings. His telling of what happened on Kearny Street as the flames beared down”). Otherwise, the writer proceeds with a pronounced awareness of the audience and controlled, but distinct, voice (“All said and done though, Mr. London did an excellent job retelling the fears, the emotions, the disaster of San Francisco's earthquake”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains very effective control of the mechanics and conventions of writing and commits few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling. (“Standing in the center of San Francisco , Mr. London details how everything was at peace Wednesday evening. Jack London details Kearny Street as everything in perfect order with no fire around.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Jack London was an American author who had a poverty-stricken childhood and was beset by alcoholism and financial difficulties that led him to commit suicide at the age of 40. He was known for his great account of "The Story of an Eyewitness." Also known for the way he explained sceneries using words. He was a great author known for the way he could find the right words to make an image come alive. Jack London used vivid language to impress the readers and make them see the image of that horrible earthquake in San Francisco come to life. Not only in "The Story of an Eyewitness" did he use vivid language but also in other stories like The Call of the Wild and South Sea Tales.

In "The Story of an Eyewitness" Jack London's vivid language helps the readers understand the destruction of San Francisco better. The vivid language installed in the account gives the readers an idea of what was going on during the earthquake and the fire. When vivid language is installed in a story or passage, it lets the reader live in the story. That was Jack London's purpose for his vivid language in the account, he wanted the readers to feel like they were part of the story.

Vivid language can make a simple story whether it is tragic or not be more interesting. An example of vivid language from the account is ". . . the smoke of San Francisco 's burning was a lurid tower visible a hundred miles away. And for three days and nights this lurid tower swayed in the sky, reddening the sun, darkening the day, and filling the land with smoke." This example shows vivid language because it tells the reader in great detail what the earthquake had left San Francisco to look like. "All the cunning adjustments of a twentieth century city had been smashed by the earthquake." This is another example of vivid language. It makes one think of how there is so much technology and still there is not one thing that can stop nature from wrecking homes, cities, states, countries, or even the whole world. In that example Jack London is saying that even though there is advanced technology and people are prepared it could not stop nature from destroying San Francisco .

This is what vivid language is suppose to make one think about. It is so the reader can have an image in their mind of how an earthquake or a fire can destroy a whole city that took years to build in less than one day. Jack London's vivid language makes the reader feel as if they were the ones who witnessed and lived in the fall of San Francisco . Even though Jack London had alcoholic problems, he was still a great American author.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer of this essay has clearly invested some time into understanding London ’s motivation for writing his story in the manner he did. Following the statement of a clear and interesting central thesis (“When vivid language is installed in a story or passage, it lets the reader live in the story. That was Jack London's purpose for his vivid language in the account, he wanted the readers to feel like they were part of the story”), the writer establishes an insightful analysis of some of the language in the text and clearly connects it to the task. Thus, this essay completes the assigned task well. Notice also how the writer provides some background information about London in the introduction. While not necessary to complete the assigned task, the addition of this information lends overall credibility to the writer’s position.

Content & Development

The writer devotes the third paragraph to discussing two examples of vivid language from London ’s story. Two relevant examples are cited and their impact is briefly explored by the writer (“This example shows vivid language because it tells the reader in great detail what the earthquake had left San Francisco to look like” and “It makes one think of how there is so much technology and still there is not one thing that can stop nature from wrecking homes, cities, states, countries, or even the whole world”). The examples chosen are appropriate and support the writer’s interpretation, but more could be said about them. For example, what kind of image does “this lurid tower” conjure up? Did London want the reader to envision some kind of mythic beast swaying above the burning city?

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure, opening with an intriguing introduction and closing with a similarly situated conclusion (“This is what vivid language is suppose to make one think about. It is so the reader can have an image in their mind of how an earthquake or a fire can destroy a whole city that took years to build in less than one day”). Throughout, the body paragraphs serve the writer’s purpose by remaining focused on specific parts of the writer’s commentary. These paragraphs flow well from one to the next.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this essay is appropriate for the writing task assigned. The writer demonstrates a solid ability to use words correctly and to good effect, and also structures sentences well for the most part. The essay is clearly addressed to the desired audience, and a hint of the writer’s voice is evident (“This is what vivid language is suppose to make one think about. It is so the reader can have an image in their mind”).

Mechanics & Conventions

Overall, the writer demonstrates a good control of mechanics and conventions of writing. Few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling are present to interfere with the message. (“In that example Jack London is saying that even though there is advanced technology and people are prepared it could not stop nature from destroying San Francisco .”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Jack London’s article in regard to the San Francisco earthquake and his use of vivid language explaining the disastrous events makes a person feel that they are experiencing the earthquake themselves. His describing words lead the reader to compare objects that a person can imagine in their own mind.

First, Jack London describes how the areas in San Francisco are “wiped out” and destroyed. The statement described in the article “remains only the fringe of dwelling houses on the outskirts of what was once San Francisco, leads the mind to imagine a baby’s blanket that a child has had for years with only fringes left. The child has worshiped the blanket for many years and not much of it is left.

Second, the statement describing “dead calm” is the presence of helplessness. There was nothing anyone could do to protect San Francisco . Nature had taken its course and no one could do anything about it. The damage was done to the city. It was like the hottest day of the year. The air was still and there was no hustle and bustle of what existed twelve hours before.

John London stated that the people “lightened up”. The people of San Francisco were gathering as much personal strength to push and carry their “trunks” full of their prized possessions to safety and shelter. The people were able to “lighten up” even though complete exhaustion had set into them from their many miles of travel walking. They knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel. The statement “lightened up” is an example of a light that has been switched on in a dark room.

Jack London’s article in regard to the earthquake in San Francisco made me feel that I was experiencing the earthquake myself. The earth shaking, flaming fires, behavior of the people and the devastation of the earthquake is described and compared with words that people reading the article can visualize and put themselves in the very shoes of the people.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

From the very beginning, the writer announces a controlling idea that will serve as the basis of his/her interpretation of London ’s story (“Jack London’s article in regard to the San Francisco earthquake and his use of vivid language explaining the disastrous events makes a person feel that they are experiencing the earthquake themselves”). This analysis seems to capture the spirit of the writing task, and the connections made between the task and the ideas in the text show some insight on the part of the writer. Thus, this essay adequately completes the assigned task.

Content & Development

In the course of three body paragraphs, the writer makes several very interesting observations about London ’s use of language in the story (“The statement … leads the mind to imagine a baby’s blanket that a child has had for years with only fringes left. The child has worshiped the blanket for many years and not much of it is left ... Second, the statement describing ‘dead calm’ is the presence of helplessness. There was nothing anyone could do to protect San Francisco … The people were able to ‘lighten up’ even though complete exhaustion had set into them from their many miles of travel walking. They knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel”). The writer has clearly read this story closely and felt the impact of London ’s language style. The writer’s analysis is adequately supported with some specific and accurate evidence from the text.

Organization

The writer’s organizational style is straightforward and satisfies the demands of this writing task. An interesting introduction and conclusion (“Jack London’s article in regard to the earthquake in San Francisco made me feel that I was experiencing the earthquake myself”) bracket the writer’s body paragraphs, which are themselves focused on one of the writer’s key points. Basic transitional devices have been employed to improve the flow of the writer’s ideas (“First, Jack London describes” and “Second, the statement describing”).

Language Use & Style

The writer’s style of language is adequate given the nature and level of this writing task. It must be noted, however, that the writer occasionally lapses into unclear sentences (“The people of San Francisco were gathering as much personal strength to push and carry their ‘trunks’ full of their prized possessions to safety and shelter” and “The earth shaking, flaming fires, behavior of the people and the devastation of the earthquake is described and compared with words that people reading the article can visualize and put themselves in the very shoes of the people”). Otherwise, this essay is pitched to the appropriate audience and shows some hints of the writer’s unique voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

Few obvious, distracting errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. The writer maintains adequate control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. (“Jack London’s article in regard to the San Francisco earthquake and his use of vivid language explaining the disastrous events makes a person feel that they are experiencing the earthquake themselves.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In this article Jack London describes what he sees in San Francisco during and after the earthquake. He Often describes San Francisco using vivid and colorful words.

He tells us about this earthquake and the city. "An enumeration of the buildings undestroye would be a line and severl addresses. An enumeration of the deeds of heroism would stock a library and bankrupt the Carnegie medal fund. An enumeration of the dead will never be made." This is what he had to say about this earthquake.

Now during the earthquake he saw many horrible things, things you did not want to know. "Tens of thousands fled before the flames. Many of them, the poor people of the labor ghetto." Many, by what he says dwere carrying trunks full of belongings and such stuff.

"At nine o'clock Wendesday evening I walked through the very heart of the city. I walked through miles and miles of magnifecent buildings and towering skyscrapers. Here was no fire." That is how it was when Mr. London walked through then, but when he would walked later it would be different story. It would be deserted and the fire would be nearing that is how it became later. That is how Jack London describes the San Francisco Earthquake.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer offers a thesis statement in the introduction to this response that shows a basic understanding of the writing task (“He Often describes San Francisco using vivid and colorful words”). A basic analysis of the text follows, although the writer’s interpretation is best described as vague and unclear. S/he makes several connections between the task and the ideas in the text, but the assigned task is still only partially completed.

Content & Development

In each of three paragraphs, the writer cites specific lines from the story. This is a useful literary technique that could help to focus the reader’s attention on London ’s language style. Unfortunately, the analysis that accompanies these references is brief and lacks insight (“This is what he had to say about this earthquake … Many, by what he says dwere carrying trunks full of belongings and such stuff ... That is how Jack London describes the San Francisco Earthquake”). Simply quoting the writer does not constitute an analysis of his/her use of language, and it is not entirely clear what the writer’s point is in each case. This essay could be improved if the writer devoted more time to explaining how the quotes used help to advance his/her thesis.

Organization

This essay demonstrates some evidence of a logical structure. Both an introduction and conclusion are present, but they are simple, consisting of little more than a few sentences apiece (“That is how Jack London describes the San Francisco Earthquake”). The body paragraphs show good paragraphing techniques, although the points made in each are not entirely clear, as previously mentioned. If additional focus were applied to the content of this essay, as noted above, the organizational structure would more effectively serve the writer’s purposes.

Language Use & Style

The level of language used by the writer in this essay is simple, and given that this essay is focused on his/her use of vivid language, this fact negatively impacts the writer’s interpretation. The words and sentences used by the writer are largely correct, although a few exceptions can be identified (“It would be deserted and the fire would be nearing that is how it became later”). The writer is clearly aware of his/her audience; however, s/he has not yet demonstrated an ability to project a clear and interesting voice into the response.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates a limited ability to control the mechanics and conventions of writing. Several noticeable errors in grammar (“but when he would walked later”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present. Notice also that the writer has some difficulty in quoting the author’s original words correctly (“An enumeration of the buildings undestroye would be a line and severl addresses”).

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

"The Story of an Eyewitness" takes place on May 5, 1906 San Francisco went through a huge natural disaster. Jack London a reporter went to San Franscisco to find out first hand what happened in San Francisco . A earthquake distroyed most of San Francisco . Jack London describes with detail what happens and what the effects of the earthquake were. He also describes what happened to the people and their homes.

The part of the aricle that describes the fire is "The Fire Made its Own Draft" Jack London starts off by talking about the fire that took place after the earthquake hit. The fire wiped out most of San Francisco . The historical places were destroyed, Jack says "Only memories and fringe of dwelling-houses on its outskirts are left".

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer launches into this essay by stating a controlling thesis that appropriately addresses the task imbedded in this writing prompt (“Jack London describes with detail what happens and what the effects of the earthquake were”). Unfortunately, the analysis which follows is incomplete and fails to adequately make connections between the task and the ideas in the text. As it stands, this essay fails to adequately respond to the assigned task.

Content & Development

In the second paragraph, the writer begins to present an analysis of London ’s use of language in the story (“The part of the aricle that describes the fire is ‘The Fire Made its Own Draft’ Jack London starts off by talking about the fire that took place after the earthquake hit”). Unfortunately, this analysis is left incomplete and inadequate, as the writer is unable to effectively use references to the text to support his/her understanding of the text. It is not clear that the writer really knows how language has been used to vividly describe the scene of destruction.

Organization

The little information provided tends to show some sense of organization; notice that the response begins with an introductory paragraph that flows into a supporting body paragraph. Yet, the amount of material presented is so minimal that even this noticeable structure is largely unable to enhance the value of the writer’s response. (“The part of the aricle that describes the fire is ‘The Fire Made its Own Draft’ Jack London starts off by talking about the fire that took place after the earthquake hit. The fire wiped out most of San Francisco . The historical places were destroyed, Jack says ‘Only memories and fringe of dwelling-houses on its outskirts are left’.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s use of language is simple. While the words employed tend to acknowledge the intended audience, there is little evidence of the writer’s unique voice. Moreover, some difficulty with structuring sentences correctly is evident (“Jack London a reporter went to San Franscisco to find out first hand what happened in San Francisco ”).

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates some control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. Several errors in grammar (“A earthquake distroyed”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“aricle”) are evident. Given the brevity of this response, these errors can assume a more distracting role vis-à-vis the reader.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the story writen by Jack London, Mr. London's usage of words is like no other. He describes things that it makes you feel that it were you that was describing them. He has very good structure. He expresses his thoughts thouroughly, and effectively. You can even smell the smoke that he describes in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer states a controlling idea that could serve as the basis of a good essay on this topic (“In the story writen by Jack London, Mr. London's usage of words is like no other”). Unfortunately, the writer fails to actually establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections between the task and the ideas in the text. A half-hearted response at best, this writer fails to complete any of the assigned task.

Content & Development

The writer makes a statement or two that refer to the author’s use of language (“He expresses his thoughts thouroughly, and effectively. You can even smell the smoke that he describes in the story”), but these statements are not grounded in references from the text and do not constitute a meaningful interpretation or analysis.

Organization

No unified structure can be detected in this short response that lacks an introduction, conclusion, and body of support. Given the lack of any logical discussion of the text, the reader likewise encounters no evidence of transitional devices. (“In the story writen by Jack London, Mr. London's usage of words is like no other. He describes things that it makes you feel that it were you that was describing them. He has very good structure. He expresses his thoughts thouroughly, and effectively. You can even smell the smoke that he describes in the story.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer’s language style is mostly appropriate for the nature of the task and the level of the intended audience. It is unfortunate that the writer has not harnessed this facility with words and sentences to create a more meaningful analysis of London ’s short story. (“In the story writen by Jack London, Mr. London's usage of words is like no other. He describes things that it makes you feel that it were you that was describing them. He has very good structure. He expresses his thoughts thouroughly, and effectively. You can even smell the smoke that he describes in the story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, the writer commits several errors in grammar (“you feel that it were you that was describing them”), mechanics, punctuation, and spelling (“thouroughly”), that significantly interfere with the interpretation of the message.

The Things S/he Carries

In the story, The Things They Carried , Tim O'Brien reveals character through what the soldiers carried with them. Some of what they carried was tangible, such as food and water, weapons, or mementos, while some of what they carried was intangible, such as fear, prejudice, or embarrassment.

Think about a high school student, either real or imaginary. In a well-organized essay, describe what this student carries with him or herself and what these "things" reveal about the student's character, personality, and values. Be sure to use details to make your character analysis more vivid to the readers.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

During the Vietnam War, every soldier carried items designated for his rank and his role in the company. Tim O'Brien, in “The Things They Carried”, shows that these soldiers not only carried physical equipment, but they had to bear mental burdens. They carried a picture of a girlfriend at home or tied her pantyhose around their neck; they also were laden with the worries of war and the fear of death. Similarly, in everyday life, American teenagers carry items they deem important for survival as well. In this case, his name is John Smith, and beneath each object he carries, there lays unique significance.

Each morning, John wakes up and follows a daily ritual that involves taking a shower, eating, brushing his teeth and hair, and getting dressed. After throwing on a pair of Dockers Khakis, John turns to his dresser and begins to fill his pockets. First John grabs his keys; a long STX Lacrosse lanyard hangs from them. These keys, to a 1997 Honda Civic, represent John's true test of trust; he does not own the car, his parents do. This car gives John motivation to work and makes him watch his finances more closely; Smith pays for his own gas and for his car's maintenance. Aside from his keys, John grabs his wallet and slides it into his back right pocket. He takes care of his wallet like he would a newborn baby, keeping it safe from harm; this wallet contains his entire identity: money, bank information, and his picture license. Finally, John carries his cell phone. Without his phone, he feels empty and incomplete. He will become paranoid without it, and often imagines it vibrating in his right hip pocket, even when it isn’t. Subconsciously, his cell phone has become a staple in his life. He needs it, and without his phone, John becomes delusional and loses self-esteem.

An hour and a half after John's alarm first rang at six a.m., he pulls into his parking spot at the local school. He stands up and grabs a Bic .7mm lead pencil out of the driver's seat pocket that must had fallen from his jacket previously. Having the mechanical pencil shows the habit that has formed since attending high school. It seems unnecessary, but he needs it; very few classrooms have pencil sharpeners, or at least ones that work. Every day, he also carries his book bag. In his bag, he has an unorganized college-ruled spiral bound notebook, an honors Pre-Calculus book, a Ven Conmigo Level Three, a TI-84 Plus Silver Addition Calculator, a bruised green apple, and some broken pens and pencils. His spiral notebook represents comfort. If he ever forgets his binder, he can fall back and count on this thin notebook to be there. The books represent his strengths and weaknesses. John triumphs in math but seems incompetent in his Spanish studies. These attributes affect how he prioritizes his work now, but later, will affect where he goes with his life. His calculator shows his passion. He can always make use of it; whether he needs it for math or finds himself playing games to endure yet another dry lecture from his teacher. John Smith eats apples routinely. Small apples, usually of the green or red variety, make up a large portion of his daily diet. More often than not, he packs three apples in a brown bag and supplements both breakfast and lunch with a succulent, juicy, tangy apple.

John tends to seem laid back, sarcastic, and incredibly talkative. He laughs and chats constantly with anyone, but inside, he withholds an entirely different person. He hides his insecurities and pain from butchered relationships and his lack of true friends, opposed to acquaintances. At home, he mentally has to deal with the pain of a sick sister; he witnesses the toughness that she possesses. She seems calm and collected with such a large problem, while John loses sleep over his small affairs in comparison. Inside, deep within himself, John questions everything: himself, religion, and the government; in response, he has decided to deny all of them. He struggles with trust, but outside, he seems entirely confident and he plans to maintain that façade for as long as he can withstand it.

Like the soldiers in Vietnam, John carried the same things day in and day out. Each thing had its own importance whether he realized it or not. The soldiers lived an awful life. They fought a seemingly impossible war with questionable motives, but, they had too. They fought for their country and their families, holding onto anything that could make them feel close to them. In John's life, yes, he lived much more comfortably, but he could not be comfortable. He has his own dilemmas and hardships, even if they are not as severe as war. Everyone carries things habitually to bring themselves comfort, and to protect themselves from losing their own private wars.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes a clear understanding of the theme of the text. He/she makes insightful connections among the task, the theme of the story, and the personal experiences of the high school student through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the things John carries and what these things reveal about him. (“ His spiral notebook represents comfort. If he ever forgets his binder, he can fall back and count on this thin notebook to be there. The books represent his strengths and weaknesses. John triumphs in math but seems incompetent in his Spanish studies. These attributes affect how he prioritizes his work now, but later, will affect where he goes with his life. ”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“John tends to seem laid back, sarcastic, and incredibly talkative. He laughs and chats constantly with anyone, but inside, he withholds an entirely different person. He hides his insecurities and pain from butchered relationships and his lack of true friends, opposed to acquaintances. At home, he mentally has to deal with the pain of a sick sister; he witnesses the toughness that she possesses. She seems calm and collected with such a large problem, while John loses sleep over his small affairs in comparison. Inside, deep within himself, John questions everything: himself, religion, and the government; in response, he has decided to deny all of them. He struggles with trust, but outside, he seems entirely confident and he plans to maintain that façade for as long as he can withstand it.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ His calculator shows his passion. He can always make use of it; whether he needs it for math or finds himself playing games to endure yet another dry lecture from his teacher. John Smith eats apples routinely. Small apples, usually of the green or red variety, make up a large portion of his daily diet. More often than not, he packs three apples in a brown bag and supplements both breakfast and lunch with a succulent, juicy, tangy apple.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas using a variety of specific and relevant evidence to demonstrate his/her understanding of the theme of the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details about the high school student’s characteristics that connect the observations to the theme of the story. (“John tends to seem laid back, sarcastic, and incredibly talkative. He laughs and chats constantly with anyone, but inside, he withholds an entirely different person. He hides his insecurities and pain from butchered relationships and his lack of true friends, opposed to acquaintances. At home, he mentally has to deal with the pain of a sick sister; he witnesses the toughness that she possesses. She seems calm and collected with such a large problem, while John loses sleep over his small affairs in comparison. Inside, deep within himself, John questions everything: himself, religion, and the government; in response, he has decided to deny all of them. He struggles with trust, but outside, he seems entirely confident and he plans to maintain that façade for as long as he can withstand it.”)

The essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the things John carries to connect the essay question to the text. (“ Having the mechanical pencil shows the habit that has formed since attending high school. It seems unnecessary, but he needs it; very few classrooms have pencil sharpeners, or at least ones that work. Every day, he also carries his book bag. In his bag, he has an unorganized college-ruled spiral bound notebook, an honors Pre-Calculus book, a Ven Conmigo Level Three, a TI-84 Plus Silver Addition Calculator, a bruised green apple, and some broken pens and pencils. His spiral notebook represents comfort. If he ever forgets his binder, he can fall back and count on this thin notebook to be there. The books represent his strengths and weaknesses. John triumphs in math but seems incompetent in his Spanish studies. These attributes affect how he prioritizes his work now, but later, will affect where he goes with his life. His calculator shows his passion. He can always make use of it; whether he needs it for math or finds himself playing games to endure yet another dry lecture from his teacher. ”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“During the Vietnam War, every soldier carried items designated for his rank and his role in the company. Tim O'Brien, in “The Things They Carried”, shows that these soldiers not only carried physical equipment, but they had to bear mental burdens. They carried a picture of a girlfriend at home or tied her pantyhose around their neck; they also were laden with the worries of war and the fear of death. Similarly, in everyday life, American teenagers carry items they deem important for survival as well. In this case, his name is John Smith, and beneath each object he carries, there lays unique significance.”)

Organization

The introduction captures the readers’ attention by making a connection between the text and the high school student discussed in the essay. (“ During the Vietnam War, every soldier carried items designated for his rank and his role in the company. Tim O'Brien, in ‘The Things They Carried’, shows that these soldiers not only carried physical equipment, but they had to bear mental burdens. They carried a picture of a girlfriend at home or tied her pantyhose around their neck; they also were laden with the worries of war and the fear of death. Similarly, in everyday life, American teenagers carry items they deem important for survival as well. In this case, his name is John Smith, and beneath each object he carries, there lays unique significance.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Each morning, John wakes up and follows a daily ritual that involves taking a shower, eating, brushing his teeth and hair, and getting dressed. After throwing on a pair of Dockers Khakis, John turns to his dresser and begins to fill his pockets. First John grabs his keys; a long STX Lacrosse lanyard hangs from them. These keys, to a 1997 Honda Civic, represent John's true test of trust; he does not own the car, his parents do. This car gives John motivation to work and makes him watch his finances more closely; Smith pays for his own gas and for his car's maintenance. Aside from his keys, John grabs his wallet and slides it into his back right pocket. He takes care of his wallet like he would a newborn baby, keeping it safe from harm; this wallet contains his entire identity: money, bank information, and his picture license. Finally, John carries his cell phone. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ Like the soldiers in Vietnam, John carried the same things day in and day out. Each thing had its own importance whether he realized it or not. The soldiers lived an awful life. They fought a seemingly impossible war with questionable motives, but, they had too. They fought for their country and their families, holding onto anything that could make them feel close to them. In John's life, yes, he lived much more comfortably, but he could not be comfortable. He has his own dilemmas and hardships, even if they are not as severe as war. Everyone carries things habitually to bring themselves comfort, and to protect themselves from losing their own private wars.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective language use, voice, and style. The writer demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. The use of well-structured and varied sentences adds to the cohesiveness and clarity of the writer’s message.

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. (“ Having the mechanical pencil shows the habit that has formed since attending high school. It seems unnecessary, but he needs it; very few classrooms have pencil sharpeners, or at least ones that work. Every day, he also carries his book bag. In his bag, he has an unorganized college-ruled spiral bound notebook, an honors Pre-Calculus book, a Ven Conmigo Level Three, a TI-84 Plus Silver Addition Calculator, a bruised green apple, and some broken pens and pencils. His spiral notebook represents comfort. If he ever forgets his binder, he can fall back and count on this thin notebook to be there. The books represent his strengths and weaknesses. John triumphs in math but seems incompetent in his Spanish studies. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the things John carries for the readers so that by the end of the response, they have gained greater insight into the characteristics and values of John Smith. (“ He hides his insecurities and pain from butchered relationships and his lack of true friends, opposed to acquaintances. At home, he mentally has to deal with the pain of a sick sister; he witnesses the toughness that she possesses. She seems calm and collected with such a large problem, while John loses sleep over his small affairs in comparison. Inside, deep within himself, John questions everything: himself, religion, and the government; in response, he has decided to deny all of them. He struggles with trust, but outside, he seems entirely confident and he plans to maintain that façade for as long as he can withstand it.”)

The writer’s use of more sophisticated word choices and descriptive details adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“The books represent his strengths and weaknesses. John triumphs in math but seems incompetent in his Spanish studies. These attributes affect how he prioritizes his work now, but later, will affect where he goes with his life. His calculator shows his passion. He can always make use of it; whether he needs it for math or finds himself playing games to endure yet another dry lecture from his teacher. John Smith eats apples routinely. Small apples, usually of the green or red variety, make up a large portion of his daily diet. More often than not, he packs three apples in a brown bag and supplements both breakfast and lunch with a succulent, juicy, tangy apple.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with a punctuation mark, and begins with a capital letter, and a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ Each morning, John wakes up and follows a daily ritual that involves taking a shower, eating, brushing his teeth and hair, and getting dressed. After throwing on a pair of Dockers Khakis, John turns to his dresser and begins to fill his pockets. First John grabs his keys; a long STX Lacrosse lanyard hangs from them. These keys, to a 1997 Honda Civic, represent John's true test of trust; he does not own the car, his parents do. This car gives John motivation to work and makes him watch his finances more closely; Smith pays for his own gas and for his car's maintenance. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Things I Will Always Carry

Both the tangible and intangible things that people carry determine and define who they are. Different things can possess unique qualities to specific people. In "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien, the things that the soldiers carried with them were a part of their identity. The things that I carry reveal my introverted personality, personal values, and past memories.

I appreciate my personal space and privacy. When life around me gets tough, I like to reflect on myself and solve my own problems. Some things that I carry are my favorite headphones. They are large, black, and insulated enabling me to block out the rest of the world when I need to. I ignore those people who are bringing me down or trying to make me feel inferior. I also carry fear of being judged. Sometimes I am concerned with what others think of me. Typically, I talk less and listen more. I learn a lot about what I don't want to be seen as by observing others. On page 3, O'Brien says, "Mitchell Sanders, the RTO, carried condoms. Norman Bowker carried a diary. Rat Kiley carried comic books. Kiowa, a devout Baptist, carried an illustrated New Testament." These men carried these possessions to help ease their minds from the struggles of war, and to allow them to escape to their personal state of happiness.

My values have basically been the same my entire life. I believe that I should always be honest, caring, and hardworking. I don't carry anything that would provide a shortcut to my destination, regardless of what that is. I carry basic necessities, like my cap and goggles to swim practice every day. I work harder in order to be able to swim faster. I don't believe that material possessions will improve my quality of life or make anything worthwhile. I don't carry as many tangible rewards as some of the people in society today. However, I am thankful for what I have been given. I carry strong morals and ethics. My first instinct is always to do what is right. Any other way feels wrong to me. On page 7, O'Brien says, "They carried all the could bear, and then some, including a silent awe for the terrible power of the things they carried." This quote conveys the determination and responsibility that the soldiers had. They would not accept any less than the best. The soldiers had to go above and beyond their own expectations.

I carry things that make me happy. One of the things I carry is a picture of my cat Max and me. It reminds me of being a kid, and living in the blue house that brought me joy. Life was easy and enjoyable while my parents were still married. I carry the knowledge that I learned from that time in my life to present times. I've always had a photographic memory, which allows me to carry the images of my past. I know that everything happens for a reason. Not only do I carry the good memories from those times, but I also carry the strength to move on through the bad times. On page 3, O'Brien says, "In his wallet, Lieutenant Cross carried two photographs of Martha. A dark theater, he remembered, and the movie was Bonnie and Clyde, and Martha wore a tweed skirt. During the final scene, he touched her knee." This picture that the Lieutenant carried symbolized his love for Martha. When he looked at the picture, he was comforted by the warm feelings that he got when he was with her.

Everyone carries different things in their heart or in their bag. Sometimes others cannot understand the meaning of another's possessions. There are countless reasons why people carry the things they do. I carry things that convey my quiet personality, strong character, and previous chapters of my life. Those things shape my identity and define me. No one will ever carry the exact things as me; I am unique.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay has good focus and meaning. The writer establishes a good understanding of the theme of the text. He/she makes clear connections between the task, the ideas in the text, and the literary theme through a controlling or central idea.

The writer chooses to focus on the things he/she carries and how the values reflected align with the feelings of characters in the text. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ I carry the knowledge that I learned from that time in my life to present times. I've always had a photographic memory, which allows me to carry the images of my past. I know that everything happens for a reason. Not only do I carry the good memories from those times, but I also carry the strength to move on through the bad times. On page 3, O'Brien says, ‘In his wallet, Lieutenant Cross carried two photographs of Martha. A dark theater, he remembered, and the movie was Bonnie and Clyde, and Martha wore a tweed skirt. During the final scene, he touched her knee.’ This picture that the Lieutenant carried symbolized his love for Martha. When he looked at the picture, he was comforted by the warm feelings that he got when he was with her.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information (plot, setting, characters, or dialogue) and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ I work harder in order to be able to swim faster. I don't believe that material possessions will improve my quality of life or make anything worthwhile. I don't carry as many tangible rewards as some of the people in society today. However, I am thankful for what I have been given. I carry strong morals and ethics. My first instinct is always to do what is right. Any other way feels wrong to me. On page 7, O'Brien says, ‘They carried all the could bear, and then some, including a silent awe for the terrible power of the things they carried.’ This quote conveys the determination and responsibility that the soldiers had. They would not accept any less than the best. The soldiers had to go above and beyond their own expectations.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about things the writer carries and what these things reveal about his/her character. (“ I appreciate my personal space and privacy. When life around me gets tough, I like to reflect on myself and solve my own problems. Some things that I carry are my favorite headphones. They are large, black, and insulated enabling me to block out the rest of the world when I need to. I ignore those people who are bringing me down or trying to make me feel inferior. I also carry fear of being judged. Sometimes I am concerned with what others think of me. Typically, I talk less and listen more. I learn a lot about what I don't want to be seen as by observing others.”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connects the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details and quotes that relate to the theme of the story, making connections from personal experiences to the characters in the text. (“I carry strong morals and ethics. My first instinct is always to do what is right. Any other way feels wrong to me. On page 7, O'Brien says, ‘They carried all the could bear, and then some, including a silent awe for the terrible power of the things they carried.’ This quote conveys the determination and responsibility that the soldiers had. They would not accept any less than the best. The soldiers had to go above and beyond their own expectations.”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story. (“Not only do I carry the good memories from those times, but I also carry the strength to move on through the bad times. On page 3, O'Brien says, ‘In his wallet, Lieutenant Cross carried two photographs of Martha. A dark theater, he remembered, and the movie was Bonnie and Clyde, and Martha wore a tweed skirt. During the final scene, he touched her knee.’ This picture that the Lieutenant carried symbolized his love for Martha. When he looked at the picture, he was comforted by the warm feelings that he got when he was with her.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“I also carry fear of being judged. Sometimes I am concerned with what others think of me. Typically, I talk less and listen more. I learn a lot about what I don't want to be seen as by observing others. On page 3, O'Brien says, ‘Mitchell Sanders, the RTO, carried condoms. Norman Bowker carried a diary. Rat Kiley carried comic books. Kiowa, a devout Baptist, carried an illustrated New Testament.’ These men carried these possessions to help ease their minds from the struggles of war, and to allow them to escape to their personal state of happiness.”)

Organization

The introduction captures the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ Both the tangible and intangible things that people carry determine and define who they are. Different things can possess unique qualities to specific people. In ‘The Things They Carried’ by Tim O'Brien, the things that the soldiers carried with them were a part of their identity. The things that I carry reveal my introverted personality, personal values, and past memories.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ I carry things that make me happy. One of the things I carry is a picture of my cat Max and me. It reminds me of being a kid, and living in the blue house that brought me joy. Life was easy and enjoyable while my parents were still married. I carry the knowledge that I learned from that time in my life to present times. I've always had a photographic memory, which allows me to carry the images of my past. I know that everything happens for a reason. Not only do I carry the good memories from those times, but I also carry the strength to move on through the bad times.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ Everyone carries different things in their heart or in their bag. Sometimes others cannot understand the meaning of another's possessions. There are countless reasons why people carry the things they do. I carry things that convey my quiet personality, strong character, and previous chapters of my life. Those things shape my identity and define me. No one will ever carry the exact things as me; I am unique.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits good use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with good evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ I've always had a photographic memory, which allows me to carry the images of my past. I know that everything happens for a reason. Not only do I carry the good memories from those times, but I also carry the strength to move on through the bad times.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ My values have basically been the same my entire life. I believe that I should always be honest, caring, and hardworking. I don't carry anything that would provide a shortcut to my destination, regardless of what that is. I carry basic necessities, like my cap and goggles to swim practice every day. I work harder in order to be able to swim faster. I don't believe that material possessions will improve my quality of life or make anything worthwhile. I don't carry as many tangible rewards as some of the people in society today. However, I am thankful for what I have been given. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ I appreciate my personal space and privacy. When life around me gets tough, I like to reflect on myself and solve my own problems. Some things that I carry are my favorite headphones. They are large, black, and insulated enabling me to block out the rest of the world when I need to. I ignore those people who are bringing me down or trying to make me feel inferior. I also carry fear of being judged. Sometimes I am concerned with what others think of me. Typically, I talk less and listen more. I learn a lot about what I don't want to be seen as by observing others.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), end with appropriate punctuation marks, use a line break to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and begin with capital letters. (“ I appreciate my personal space and privacy. When life around me gets tough, I like to reflect on myself and solve my own problems. Some things that I carry are my favorite headphones. They are large, black, and insulated enabling me to block out the rest of the world when I need to. I ignore those people who are bringing me down or trying to make me feel inferior. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Things I Carry

I carry different things when I walk the halls of Smith High School. Many are good, but a slim few are hurtful and painful things. I carry dreams. I carry emotions. I carry knowledge. I will start a new path with new things to carry next year.

I carry dreams. I carry a dream of being on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. Walking side by side with some of the greatest female golfers of my time. Sinking that first putt and hearing the gallery clapping and saying my name. I carry a dream of owning my own practice with different types of doctors so that we don't turn anyone away. I'll have an OBGYN, a pediatrician, a brain surgeon, and others along with myself a physical therapist. I carry a dream of that perfect wedding that everyone wants to be invited too. I want to have the best dress, in the best church, with the best man alive. I carry dreams.

I carry twenty pounds of emotion. I carry the hurt and pain of four years of high school. The hurtful things people have said have ruined my self-confidence. To my amazement I have not been truly accepted by those of our senior class. I don't know why that is the case I am just like the majority of them, hardworking and eighteen years old. One awful person has said the most unimaginable things that I may not repeat them. I just try to hide my feelings so that I don't draw attention to myself. I carry the depressing feeling that anyone has when a loved one comes close to dying more than once. My grandpa has stood on death's door more than once over this last year; he has bled more than I knew anyone could bleed. He is in pain everyday and just wants to get out of the hospital and come home. I carry emotion.

I carry knowledge. I carry the knowledge of an eighteen-year-old young adult who knows the tough world we live in and how to rise to the challenge to become successful. I know that I won't ever be perfect but I know I will do my best to try. I strive for the best and want to overcome many obstacles set in my direction. I have the knowledge to lead me to my dreams. I know what I have to do to open that private practice of my own, and to someday play on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. I carry knowledge.

I have carried different dreams, emotions throughout my four years at high school. I have learned lessons that are useful. I have carried the pain of people's opinions and the knowledge of overcoming them. I am on the path of new direction, new things to carry.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer provides adequate focus and meaning in the response. He/she demonstrates a basic understanding of the theme of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer selects appropriate details to communicate the things he/she carries and provides insight into their importance. (“I carry the depressing feeling that anyone has when a loved one comes close to dying more than once. My grandpa has stood on death's door more than once over this last year; he has bled more than I knew anyone could bleed. He is in pain everyday and just wants to get out of the hospital and come home. I carry emotion.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“I carry twenty pounds of emotion. I carry the hurt and pain of four years of high school. The hurtful things people have said have ruined my self-confidence. To my amazement I have not been truly accepted by those of our senior class. I don't know why that is the case I am just like the majority of them, hardworking and eighteen years old. One awful person has said the most unimaginable things that I may not repeat them. I just try to hide my feelings so that I don't draw attention to myself.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. (“I carry dreams. I carry a dream of being on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. Walking side by side with some of the greatest female golfers of my time. Sinking that first putt and hearing the gallery clapping and saying my name. I carry a dream of owning my own practice with different types of doctors so that we don't turn anyone away. I'll have an OBGYN, a pediatrician, a brain surgeon, and others along with myself a physical therapist. I carry a dream of that perfect wedding that everyone wants to be invited too. I want to have the best dress, in the best church, with the best man alive. I carry dreams.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“I carry the depressing feeling that anyone has when a loved one comes close to dying more than once. My grandpa has stood on death's door more than once over this last year; he has bled more than I knew anyone could bleed. He is in pain everyday and just wants to get out of the hospital and come home. I carry emotion.”)

Reflections are included that connect the writer to the theme of the story. (“I carry different things when I walk the halls of Smith High School. Many are good, but a slim few are hurtful and painful things. I carry dreams. I carry emotions. I carry knowledge. I will start a new path with new things to carry next year. I carry dreams. I carry a dream of being on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. Walking side by side with some of the greatest female golfers of my time. Sinking that first putt and hearing the gallery clapping and saying my name.”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“I carry knowledge. I carry the knowledge of an eighteen-year-old young adult who knows the tough world we live in and how to rise to the challenge to become successful. I know that I won't ever be perfect but I know I will do my best to try. I strive for the best and want to overcome many obstacles set in my direction. I have the knowledge to lead me to my dreams. I know what I have to do to open that private practice of my own, and to someday play on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. I carry knowledge.”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ I carry different things when I walk the halls of Smith High School. Many are good, but a slim few are hurtful and painful things. I carry dreams. I carry emotions. I carry knowledge. I will start a new path with new things to carry next year.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ I carry twenty pounds of emotion. I carry the hurt and pain of four years of high school. The hurtful things people have said have ruined my self-confidence. To my amazement I have not been truly accepted by those of our senior class.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that gives readers a sense of closure. (“ I have carried different dreams, emotions throughout my four years at high school. I have learned lessons that are useful. I have carried the pain of people's opinions and the knowledge of overcoming them. I am on the path of new direction, new things to carry. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ I carry twenty pounds of emotion. I carry the hurt and pain of four years of high school. The hurtful things people have said have ruined my self-confidence. To my amazement I have not been truly accepted by those of our senior class. I don't know why that is the case I am just like the majority of them, hardworking and eighteen years old.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice in the essay. (“ I carry knowledge. I carry the knowledge of an eighteen-year-old young adult who knows the tough world we live in and how to rise to the challenge to become successful. I know that I won't ever be perfect but I know I will do my best to try. I strive for the best and want to overcome many obstacles set in my direction. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ I have carried different dreams, emotions throughout my four years at high school. I have learned lessons that are useful. I have carried the pain of people's opinions and the knowledge of overcoming them. I am on the path of new direction, new things to carry.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and begins with a capital letter. He/she also checks spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ I carry a dream of being on the LPGA tour with Kristi Kerr and Lorena Ochoa. Walking side by side with some of the greatest female golfers of my time. Sinking that first putt and hearing the gallery clapping and saying my name. I carry a dream of owning my own practice with different types of doctors so that we don't turn anyone away. I'll have an OBGYN, a pediatrician, a brain surgeon, and others along with myself a physical therapist.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The thing she carries are so many things that she feels that they should be with her all the time. some of the things are her make-up, her school supplies and her wallet, cell phone her folder, lotion, pens, paper, pictures, books. There are many things that you can not see that she carries with her like her feeling towards others and problems around her and thinks that she is thinking of or her reactions toward what is next in her every day thing. The three major things that she always have to have carry are that are very important to her have to be her school supplies and her heart that carry her feelings and thoughts and her concentration and also her make-up

The fist thing that where going to talk about is of the most important thing that she carry would be her school surplice. She carries her folder it is white and it is perfect to carry the things she need to but in them it is tick and inside it has divider. They help her by having her classwork and homework organize and also nice and neat. She likes to use it because with out it she would be relay lost in her class and confuse of what her next accomplished would be.Another thing that she carry as her school surplice would be her meters need it in class like for example her pencils and pens,paper.She things that by just carrying this items it shows that she relay cares about what her future may be like and also allot of responsibility for her priories.

She also has feelings and carries them with her just like every one else dose and has to dell with them.She carries them in her purse even though you can not see them she also has thing like picture in her wallet that brings good memoirs and bad once.There is also allot of thought like what she has to do today or some of her prioress that have to be do or planes she has for that day and things that worry her like if she did her homework? What is do next class? What are the things she needs for that class?To hurry up and get thing done on time and to be on time.Also to thing of the people she loves if there ok? What there doing?Hope that there not in trouble?This feelings shows that she really cares of others and things of a every day thing.

She is a girls and also loves being one so that's why she also carries her make-up with her.She carries a make up bag and one of the things are her mascara it is black and it looks like a tube and it has a brush in side for your eyelashes she also carries more than one.Another item that she carries is her eyeshades they are very color full she has plenty of them.She wears this thing because it brings a lil of her self to others and she loves to have all colors to make her self match with what she is wearing and because it say allot of how she is and the things she like to do she feels pretty specially because its some thing she did to her self.

So thats why she carries this things it maybe not be some things that every one carries but some thing that she dose and are important for her and has different meanings for why she carries this things.Also the way that every thing that she carries tell some thing of the way she is or the things that she things of or what goes on her mind in a every day thing.the most comment thing is that everyone always has there feeling but no one can see what there thinking or what there going threw by just going in there bag or purse.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates limited focus and meaning in the essay. The response reflects a very limited understanding of the theme of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The thing she carries are so many things that she feels that they should be with her all the time.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing the things the student carries, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details and connections to deeper meanings of the student’s possessions renders the essay limited at best. (“She wears this thing because it brings a lil of her self to others and she loves to have all colors to make her self match with what she is wearing and because it say allot of how she is and the things she like to do she feels pretty specially because its some thing she did to her self.”)

The writer uses very limited details that relate to the theme of the story. Specific information about what the student carries and how it reveals something about his/her character is severely limited. (“Also the way that every thing that she carries tell some thing of the way she is or the things that she things of or what goes on her mind in a every day thing.the most comment thing is that everyone always has there feeling but no one can see what there thinking or what there going threw by just going in there bag or purse.”)

Content & Development

The content and development of ideas are limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, reflecting little specific and accurate evidence or literary themes from the text.

The essay includes limited details that do not clearly highlight specific information needed about the high school student’s possessions. The response is limited in connecting the essay question to the broader theme of the text. (“She carries them in her purse even though you can not see them she also has thing like picture in her wallet that brings good memoirs and bad once.There is also allot of thought like what she has to do today or some of her prioress that have to be do or planes she has for that day and things that worry her like if she did her homework? What is do next class? What are the things she needs for that class?To hurry up and get thing done on time and to be on time.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“She carries her folder it is white and it is perfect to carry the things she need to but in them it is tick and inside it has divider. They help her by having her classwork and homework organize and also nice and neat. She likes to use it because with out it she would be relay lost in her class and confuse of what her next accomplished would be.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“She is a girls and also loves being one so that's why she also carries her make-up with her.She carries a make up bag and one of the things are her mascara it is black and it looks like a tube and it has a brush in side for your eyelashes she also carries more than one.”)

Organization

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The thing she carries are so many things that she feels that they should be with her all the time. some of the things are her make-up, her school supplies and her wallet, cell phone her folder, lotion, pens, paper, pictures, books. There are many things that you can not see that she carries with her like her feeling towards others and problems around her and thinks that she is thinking of or her reactions toward what is next in her every day thing. The three major things that she always have to have carry are that are very important to her have to be her school supplies and her heart that carry her feelings and thoughts and her concentration and also her make-up ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ The fist thing that where going to talk about is of the most important thing that she carry would be her school surplice. She carries her folder it is white and it is perfect to carry the things she need to but in them it is tick and inside it has divider. They help her by having her classwork and homework organize and also nice and neat. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion attempts to summarize or give readers something to think about as the essay draws to a close but it falls short in accomplishing that part of the task. (“ So thats why she carries this things it maybe not be some things that every one carries but some thing that she dose and are important for her and has different meanings for why she carries this things.Also the way that every thing that she carries tell some thing of the way she is or the things that she things of or what goes on her mind in a every day thing.the most comment thing is that everyone always has there feeling but no one can see what there thinking or what there going threw by just going in there bag or purse. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ She wears this thing because it brings a lil of her self to others and she loves to have all colors to make her self match with what she is wearing and because it say allot of how she is and the things she like to do she feels pretty specially because its some thing she did to her self. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to the topic of what his/her student carries, the writer does not maintain enough focus on important connections between the student’s characteristics or values and his/her possessions that would help readers relate to the student in some way. (“ Another thing that she carry as her school surplice would be her meters need it in class like for example her pencils and pens,paper.She things that by just carrying this items it shows that she relay cares about what her future may be like and also allot of responsibility for her priories. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay and additionally, the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ She carries a make up bag and one of the things are her mascara it is black and it looks like a tube and it has a brush in side for your eyelashes she also carries more than one.Another item that she carries is her eyeshades they are very color full she has plenty of them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates a severely limited control of mechanics and conventions. It has numerous errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ Also the way that every thing that she carries tell some thing of the way she is or the things that she things of or what goes on her mind in a every day thing.the most comment thing is that everyone always has there feeling but no one can see what there thinking or what there going threw by just going in there bag or purse. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

I carrie maney things with me every day I don't like going home picking up things because of problems at home. In my hand I always carrie gum , chips ,candy , almost the whole vending machine. In my right pocket I carrie my cell phone and a peace of papper with phone numbers. When I need something I just call any body in that phone number list and they help me out get me what I ask for. They never say no and they always act quick no questions asked In my left pocket I have another cell phone and a lollipop cherry flavored and mint bubble gum . This cell phone I use it to call friends and family , I usualy just call my family. I call my mom almost every day and ask her how she is and call my dad sometimes and ask him what he needs and my brother's and sister's usually call me but not all the time bubble gum don't last that long I always have to be buying lots of packets since I always feel like chuying or doing something that keeps me from thinking alot.

I always carrie with me a small bag that can hold atleast 10 pounds of anything i have small note books with lots of numbers . I have a bag of cookies and a soda and a small bag of peenuts. I hate carrieing it around with me sometimes but I have no choice every thing I need is that small black bag. People make fun of me when I carrie it around they think its a purse but its not so i don't realy care what any one thinks aslong as I know its not.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions things he/she carries; however, because of weak and confusing details, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“This cell phone I use it to call friends and family , I usualy just call my family. I call my mom almost every day and ask her how she is and call my dad sometimes and ask him what he needs and my brother's and sister's usually call me but not all the time bubble gum don't last that long I always have to be buying lots of packets since I always feel like chuying or doing something that keeps me from thinking alot.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for the things he/she carries and what the significance of those items may be. (“In my hand I always carrie gum , chips ,candy , almost the whole vending machine. In my right pocket I carrie my cell phone and a peace of papper with phone numbers. When I need something I just call any body in that phone number list and they help me out get me what I ask for.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the values or characteristics that are revealed through the things he/she carries. (“ I have a bag of cookies and a soda and a small bag of peenuts. I hate carrieing it around with me sometimes but I have no choice every thing I need is that small black bag. People make fun of me when I carrie it around they think its a purse but its not so i don't realy care what any one thinks aslong as I know its not.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal use of content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the high school student and what he/she may carry. The response fails to connect the essay question to the broader theme of the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of what one carries, but he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the connection between the theme of the text and the writer’s experiences. (“In my left pocket I have another cell phone and a lollipop cherry flavored and mint bubble gum . This cell phone I use it to call friends and family , I usualy just call my family. I call my mom almost every day and ask her how she is and call my dad sometimes and ask him what he needs and my brother's and sister's usually call me but not all the time bubble gum don't last that long I always have to be buying lots of packets since I always feel like chuying or doing something that keeps me from thinking alot.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations alluding to the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“In my hand I always carrie gum , chips ,candy , almost the whole vending machine. In my right pocket I carrie my cell phone and a peace of papper with phone numbers. When I need something I just call any body in that phone number list and they help me out get me what I ask for.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to sufficiently support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“I have a bag of cookies and a soda and a small bag of peenuts. I hate carrieing it around with me sometimes but I have no choice every thing I need is that small black bag. People make fun of me when I carrie it around they think its a purse but its not so i don't realy care what any one thinks aslong as I know its not.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization in the essay. There is minimal structure with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“I carrie maney things with me every day I don't like going home picking up things because of problems at home.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the theme the writer should be focusing on in the response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“When I need something I just call any body in that phone number list and they help me out get me what I ask for. They never say no and they always act quick no questions asked”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the ideas in the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“ People make fun of me when I carrie it around they think its a purse but its not so i don't realy care what any one thinks aslong as I know its not. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ I call my mom almost every day and ask her how she is and call my dad sometimes and ask him what he needs and my brother's and sister's usually call me but not all the time bubble gum don't last that long I always have to be buying lots of packets since I always feel like chuying or doing something that keeps me from thinking alot.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“ I carrie maney things with me every day I don't like going home picking up things because of problems at home. In my hand I always carrie gum , chips ,candy , almost the whole vending machine. In my right pocket I carrie my cell phone and a peace of papper with phone numbers. When I need something I just call any body in that phone number list and they help me out get me what I ask for.”)

Sentence structures and word choices are simple and repetitive; together, they do not effectively communicate the writer’s message to the intended audience. (“ I always carrie with me a small bag that can hold atleast 10 pounds of anything i have small note books with lots of numbers . I have a bag of cookies and a soda and a small bag of peenuts. I hate carrieing it around with me sometimes but I have no choice every thing I need is that small black bag. People make fun of me when I carrie it around they think its a purse but its not so i don't realy care what any one thinks aslong as I know its not.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates minimal control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls. during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average. i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer demonstrates inadequate focus and meaning. The writer fails to support his/her grasp of the text theme or relate the theme to his/her own experiences. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a clear, controlling idea. It is difficult to determine the significance of the things carried and how they relate to this person’s character or values system. Additionally, the response is unfocused and ideas are unorganized. (“Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding the connection between the things carried and the characteristics of the highlighted person. (“during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay leaves the readers feeling a bit confused. (“i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful connections in the text to support the prompt task and the writer’s assertions.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about a particular high school peer and what he/she may carry, thus neglecting to connect the essay question to the broader theme of the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of what one carries, but he/she does not develop the idea in any way. (“i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls. during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average. i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introduction is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls. during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average.”)

The structure of some of the sentences combines thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to one another. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ Before i go to school i always makes sure i bring the things i need, in high school boys bring different things than girls. during winter and fall a majority of boys always makes sure we bring our homework more so in in the fall and winter because thats when sports are going on and we always make sure we keep an c+ average.”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“… you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. It has significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling which interfere with the communication of the writer’s message.

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“i also make sure that i bring my gym clothes and a change of sneakers for gym and practice,along with the clothes and sneakers i bring my deodrent and clolgne because after gym or something you cant be waliking around all musty and stuff.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

The Title in Of Mice and Men

Titles of novels and plays are often based on famous lines from earlier works. John Steinbeck, author of Of Mice and Men , took several of his titles from such famous lines. The Winter of Our Discontent comes from a line in a play by Shakespeare. The title The Grapes of Wrath , perhaps his most famous book, comes from a line in “The Battle Hymn of the Republi c .” The title of Of Mice and Men also comes from another work. It is part of a line in a poem called “To A Mouse” by the Scottish poet Robert Burns. The speaker in the poem is a farmer who has just accidentally destroyed the nest of a mouse by plowing up his field.

Here is the complete line, addressed to the mouse (with a little translation):

"The best-laid [most careful] schemes [plans] o' mice an' men

Gang aft agley [often go wrong],

An' lea'e [leave] us nought [nothing] but grief an' pain

For promised joy!"

Show how this title is appropriate for the characters and events of the novel. Make specific references to the novel to support your ideas. Do not summarize the plot. Instead, explain how this title, considering its source, is appropriate for the characters and events of the novel.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Oftentimes the title of a novel may come from another piece of work. This frequent phenomenon suggests itself when it comes to the novel Of Mice and Men , by John Steinbeck. This title was created with inspiration from the poem "To a Mouse," by the Scottish Poet Robert Burns, and relates to the poem in numerous aspects. Robert Burns' poem speaks of careful plans and of the pain and anguish as they fall apart before your eyes. The novel may relate to this in the fact that it consists of a man, desperate for normality, who ultimately kills his mentally ill companion, Lennie. Plans of a brighter future and a place of escape come crashing down as the trigger is pulled at the back of Lennie's neck.

Inspiration evolves from many things we may never suspect. A force driving us forward to worlds we could never imagine, ideas we couldn't begin to explain. Poetry acts as a motivator of the soul and mind, to bring us to a level of deep thought. As we reach the peak of this level, we think of countless things. Although our mind may not be filled with the most intelligent and elaborate of thoughts, something is born within this realm of mystery. These are the things we choose to call ideas. As John Steinbeck read "To a Mouse" he crossed the threshold between fantasy and reality, this is the very place in which was born the title, Of Mice and Men .

The novel, Of Mice and Men , tells of a gentleman by the name of George, and his companion Lennie. Although Lennie is strong physically, his mental stability is questionable and this oftentimes causes George to become angry and frustrated. Of Mice and Men tells of the trials and tribulations of George and Lennie as they enter a new work place subsequent to fleeing from a town by the name of Weed. The novel closely relates to the poem "To A Mouse" for the reason that George and Lennie plan to buy their own land in the future. Although this is a brilliant notion, they are ultimately set for failure. Heartache waits at the end of their dream and, although deep down George knows that the success they quench shall never be obtained, he continues to battle each villain of life.

George fights for Lennie in the battles of life, the battles that Lennie unintentionally gets himself into. Through numerous mistakes George remains by Lennie's side and helps him to know the right things to do. Although George is Lennie's "knight in shining armor" he does not choose this role, all George wishes is to be normal. He doesn't want to have to leave everything behind each time Lennie messes up. Nor does he want to run away from all the terrible things Lennie brings upon them. Throughout the story George keeps Lennie on his toes by telling him about the land they will own. He tells Lennie that they'll have rabbits and if he does what he's told and stays out of trouble, he can tend to them. Lennie loves soft things and the idea of tending to rabbits is mind-boggling, he intends not to make any mistakes but ultimately his plan fails. In the end Lennie finds himself transfixed by a girl with soft, beautiful hair. As he tries to pet her hair she mistakes his roughness for something it is not. In a desperate attempt to keep her quiet he shakes her, breaking her neck and ending her life. As the rest of the men learn of this, they hunt for Lennie wanting nothing but to take his life. George knows where Lennie is, for he told him to go here if he were in trouble, but this time he does not arrive prepared to run. As tough as it is, George puts a gun to the back of Lennie's head and as he pulls the trigger, the dream ends.

Through it all George wanted the land, he wanted the escape and an end to running. Although this was something he longed for, what he wanted more was to be normal. He wished only to be like the other men he knew, living from month to month with no one to worry about but himself. In pulling the trigger this is what George found, an alternate escape. He thought of Lennie like a brother, like family, but he knew that Lennie was hurting too many people. In a heart wrenching moment he ended what needed to end. The life of a man was lost, as was the dream of numerous men who still yearned for their own piece of land. As George walked away, the pain he felt was obvious, but the better question may be, was it worth it? George longed for normality, but could this fill the empty void of losing someone so dear? One thing that may be known for sure is that things that must be done are usually the hardest tasks to fulfill.

Inspiration evolves from things we may never suspect, it may occur when naming a novel or in carrying out an intricate task. It drives us forward to do things that need to be done, or name things that need to be named. Either way inspiration is found in the novel, Of Mice and Men . John Steinbeck found inspiration for naming his novel from the poem, "To a Mouse". The poem speaks of the anguish felt when dreams don't come true, and describes George's predicament in and out. However John Steinbeck is not the only man who was forced forward by inspiration, his character, George, was pushed forward to do what needed to be done. Overall the novel, Of Mice and Men , tells of all kinds of inspiration, and truly relates to the poem, "To a Mouse," by Robert Burns.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer develops an exceptionally effective and insightful analysis of the novel, Of Mice and Men . The essay is centered on a very focused controlling idea. (“As John Steinbeck read ‘To a Mouse’ he crossed the threshold between fantasy and reality, this is the very place in which was born the title, Of Mice and Men .”) Through this focused thesis, the writer is able to demonstrate connections between the poem and the novel. The analysis demonstrates a clear understanding of the purpose, audience, and assignment.

Content & Development

The writer’s examination of the novel is very thorough and accurate. The writer uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and other sources that he/she then fully explains and interprets through high-level connections. (“The novel closely relates to the poem ‘To A Mouse’ for the reason that George and Lennie plan to buy their own land in the future. Although this is a brilliant notion, they are ultimately set for failure. Heartache waits at the end of their dream and, although deep down George knows that the success they quench shall never be obtained, he continues to battle each villain of life.”) By doing so, the student goes beyond superficial interpretation to complete an in-depth analysis using support from the text.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective manner. The introduction is well-developed. It provides essential background information about the novel. (“Robert Burns' poem speaks of careful plans and of the pain and anguish as they fall apart before your eyes. The novel may relate to this in the fact that it consists of a man, desperate for normality, who ultimately kills his mentally ill companion, Lennie. Plans of a brighter future and a place of escape come crashing down as the trigger is pulled at the back of Lennie's neck.”) Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“George fights for Lennie in the battles of life, the battles that Lennie unintentionally gets himself into.”) Additionally, the concluding paragraph summarizes the writer’s main points effectively by addressing the important connections.

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The writer uses precise and artful word choice in this response to demonstrate his/her control of voice. (“As we reach the peak of this level, we think of countless things. Although our mind may not be filled with the most intelligent and elaborate of thoughts, something is born within this realm of mystery. These are the things we choose to call ideas. As John Steinbeck read ‘To a Mouse’ he crossed the threshold between fantasy and reality, this is the very place in which was born the title, Of Mice and Men .’) The sentences are also well-constructed and varied. (“Although this was something he longed for, what he wanted more was to be normal. He wished only to be like the other men he knew, living from month to month with no one to worry about but himself. In pulling the trigger this is what George found, an alternate escape.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer maintains effective control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Although some minor errors in grammar (“George knows that the success they quench shall never be obtained”), spelling, and punctuation do exist, these mistakes do not detract from the intended message in any way.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When one first considers the title Of Mice and Men, writen by John Steinbeck, the idea may be that the book concerns, mainly, a story of mice and men. However, after reading the poem of which the title is based, To a Mouse by Robert Burns, the true meaning behind it may become more clear. This is because a part of the poem is about the disappointment that follows a person's goals. Although there are many ways the title of this novel can be interpreted, one of the more important ones is that it mostly relates to the fact that, thoughout the book, the intentions and goals of almost every character are never met. Despite the best efforts of these characters,all of their carefully laid out schemes, and/or plans for life, seem to dissolve before them. This fact, among with others, is the basis for my feeling that the title is fitting for this novel.

Lennie Small, a main character in this novel, has one goal which is paramount avove all others. That goal is to one day own his very own piece of land. He wants to own his land with George, his best friend who travels with him and works with him as a migrant worker. Although that is the goal he wants above all others, he must also have another one to achieve this. He must first strive to stay out of trouble in his new workplace. If he is unable to do so, he will most likely be in trouble with the law, which would make his dream of owning land a difficult, or even impossible goal to achieve. Unfortunately for him, the storyline in To a Mouse is one that is also true for Lennie. His dreams of owning land leave him with only grief and sorrow when he is met with unfortunate circumstances. This suports the fact that Of Mice and Men is a fitting title for Steinbeck's novel.

Another character whose role in the story is similar to the poem is Candy. Candy, a worker on the property, is a disabled, elderly man whose life gives him little to look forward to. The only thing in his life which he truly enjoys is his dog. After the animal is killed, Candy's only thing to look forward to is the fact that he has offered to help George and Lennie purchase the land. He is looking forward to supporting himself and not living off anyone's guilt. Unfortunately, after George's loss of interest due to Lennie's death, Candy was never actually able to won the land he had been looking forward to, which once again shows just how right Robert Burns was when he wrote the poem.

Another person who demonstrates what Robert Burns was talking about is Curley's wife. Although she causes trouble throughout the novel, she is mostly trying to get attention and enjoy someone's company. Towards the end of the novel, she is tragically killed just after expressing her desire to do better in life. She wanted only to be able to experience more fun and interesting things, but instead, she lives only to a very young age. She married a man who was mean and violent, and was unable to live the life she hoped for, once again proving the point that Burns was trying to get across in To a Mouse.

Although there are many possible titles that can be taken into consideration for Of Mice and Men, the One chosen by Steinbeck seems to be the most fitting. The fact that the entire book deals with the disappointment of various characters is a fact that must be taken into account. Also is the fact that it is often more intriguing when a title does not instantly reveal the plot of the story. After one examines these facts, it becomes quite obvious that the title of this novel is the correct one. After all, it would be quite hard to find another title that could do such a well-written book justice, besides one from an equally well-written poem.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay completes a thorough analysis of the connections between “To a Mouse” and Of Mice and Men . In the introduction, the writer establishes a focused controlling idea. (“Despite the best efforts of these characters,all of their carefully laid out schemes, and/or plans for life, seem to dissolve before them. This fact, among with others, is the basis for my feeling that the title is fitting for this novel.”) The thesis is well-maintained and developed throughout the essay by providing a clear understanding of the task and the two literary texts. In this response, the writer effectively completes all parts of the assignment.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the novel. For example, in the third paragraph, the writer provides a very detailed description of one particular character and his ambitions. (“Candy, a worker on the property, is a disabled, elderly man whose life gives him little to look forward to. The only thing in his life which he truly enjoys is his dog. After the animal is killed, Candy's only thing to look forward to is the fact that he has offered to help George and Lennie purchase the land. He is looking forward to supporting himself and not living off anyone's guilt.”) The paragraph then proceeds to relate Candy to “To a Mouse”. (“Candy was never actually able to won the land he had been looking forward to, which once again shows just how right Robert Burns was when he wrote the poem.”)

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction begins by attempting to grab the reader’s interest and providing background information at the same time. (“When one first considers the title Of Mice and Men, writen by John Steinbeck, the idea may be that the book concerns, mainly, a story of mice and men. However, after reading the poem of which the title is based, To a Mouse by Robert Burns, the true meaning behind it may become more clear.”) Each paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“Another person who demonstrates what Robert Burns was talking about is Curley's wife.”) Additionally, the conclusion appropriately ends with the writer’s thoughtful opinion. (“Although there are many possible titles that can be taken into consideration for Of Mice and Men, the One chosen by Steinbeck seems to be the most fitting.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates very appropriate word choice, as well as some evidence of voice. (“…it is often more intriguing when a title does not instantly reveal the plot of the story. After one examines these facts, it becomes quite obvious that the title of this novel is the correct one. After all, it would be quite hard to find another title that could do such a well-written book justice, besides one from an equally well-written poem.”) The sentences are well-structured and varied. (“Although she causes trouble throughout the novel, she is mostly trying to get attention and enjoy someone's company. Towards the end of the novel, she is tragically killed just after expressing her desire to do better in life.”) Overall, the essay exhibits good language use and style.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay displays a generally good control over mechanics and conventions. While this essay is not without errors, the mistakes in spelling (“avove”), grammar (“more clear”), and capitalization (“the One chosen “) are few and do not interfere with the writer’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The best planned schemes often go bad and leave us nothing but grief and pain. This is often true in reality. People make plans for the future, either for going out, partying, or studying with a friend at the library and in time they spoil over like a rotten peach. In this story this happens to numerous characters. Take Lennie for example. He didn't plan on killing his dog. As soon as he got the puppy it proboly would have been his companion for years. He pet the puppy because of the soft fur. He would have done what any one would have done, play around with it. He bounced the puppy and accidentally snapped its neck. He remarked "why did you die you ain't so little like mice". Lennie because of his disability did not know his own strength.

Curly's wife was another plan gone wrong. Lennie saw her hair shining in the light of the sun and wanted to touch it. The soft shining glow proboly reminded him of his little puppy's soft fur. Lennie asked Curly's wife for permission to touch her hair and said yes. He got so in to touching Curly's wife hair that she freaked out. Curly's wife told Lennie to stop put he didn't . At this time Curly's wife is scared of Lennie because of his disability, so she screams. Lennie tried to cover her mouth to shut her up but end up strangling her.Now why did Curly's wife give permission to let Lennie touch her hair I dont know (She's a tramp). The things that people let Lennie do was big responsibility even to a normal man. They proboly wanted Lennies perfectability to come in with handling all these task. Old man candy is a old man with a hand missing, and a half dead dog. His job is to be a swamper in the ranch.

Now I know old man candy didn't plan for his hand to be amputated, and to kill his long time companion (his dog). Candy took care of that dog ever since he was a little puppy. The times they shared together good or bad. The walks along the country side road. A enthusiastic puppy dog, to a blind limping lazy tired dog. Candy saw his life inside of that dog. Slim and Carl begged Candy to put the dog out of his misery and shoot him. Candy couldn't bare to kill him so Carl did it. As soon as Candy saw his dog be taking out, just because he is old and rugged. He thought to him self. Im old and rugged to. Will they take me out to? Fire me because of my acient disability, because I have a greater chance of not functioning right? Replace me with a better and younger worker?

Time is a very EVIL enemy. It takes away your youth from a hard fuzzy orangy peach to a black soft molded peach. Time takes away your best friend just because you play with it for a while. Your plans destroyed because you did something wrong with out meaning to do it. Once your plan doesn't come out right your stuck with it for the rest of your life time.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The writer attempts to establish a controlling idea based on the connections between the novel and the poem. (“The best planned schemes often go bad and leave us nothing but grief and pain. This is often true in reality… Take Lennie for example. He didn't plan on killing his dog. As soon as he got the puppy it proboly would have been his companion for years. He pet the puppy because of the soft fur. He would have done what any one would have done, play around with it. He bounced the puppy and accidentally snapped its neck.”) However, the thesis could be further improved with a clearer focus and a greater understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the writer’s controlling idea including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the second paragraph, the student describes the tragic incident between Lennie and Curley’s wife. (“The soft shining glow proboly reminded him of his little puppy's soft fur. Lennie asked Curly's wife for permission to touch her hair and said yes. He got so in to touching Curly's wife hair that she freaked out. Curly's wife told Lennie to stop put he didn't .”) The essay could be improved with further examples and details. However, the content in this response is sufficient.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introduction does attempt to attract the reader’s attention. (“The best planned schemes often go bad and leave us nothing but grief and pain. This is often true in reality. People make plans for the future, either for going out, partying, or studying with a friend at the library and in time they spoil over like a rotten peach.”) Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence. (“Curly's wife was another plan gone wrong.”) Also, the last paragraph concludes the essay by reiterating the main idea. (“Your plans destroyed because you did something wrong with out meaning to do it. Once your plan doesn't come out right your stuck with it for the rest of your life time.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Although the word choice is not overly sophisticated or impressive (“she freaked out”), it is not wholly inappropriate for the audience. Most sentences show some variety and adequate structure. (“He remarked ‘why did you die you ain't so little like mice’. Lennie because of his disability did not know his own strength.”) The student also clearly experiments with voice throughout the response. (“Time is a very EVIL enemy. It takes away your youth from a hard fuzzy orangy peach to a black soft molded peach.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

It seems as though control of mechanics and conventions of standard written English is one of this student’s weaknesses. There are noticeable errors in grammar (“The things that people let Lennie do was big responsibility”), punctuation (“Im old and rugged to.”), and spelling (“proboly”). However, they do not significantly detract from the writer’s intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the world some people have dreams all the time, like George and Lennie they both had dreams about to go and live together in a little house but some thing goes very wrong. Also they have a dream about having a little farm and some rabbits. The title of the story is important because it talks about how lennie killed the little mouse and how he always kills everything he gets in his hands. Like when he trys to be fiendly with something like a animal and when he tries to pet it. The dreams that people have are very important to the title of the book. Like George and Lennie dreams that they want to get out of the Ranch where they are working. also the title is appropriate for the book and characters because it tells how people care for the things that they care for.

In the beginning of the book I think that it tells you things that would go good with the title of the book. Like it tells you that Lennie kills the little mouse that his Aunt gave him, he kills it by petting it to hard. Then after George takes the little mouse that Lennie had in his hands and then George throw it to the other side of the place they were. I also think that the title for the book is very appropriate because when George sees that the son of their boss is beating up Lennie so George told lennie to get him off so lennie listen and he grabed his hand broke it and it was bleeding a lot that is what I thought that would go good with the title of this book because when you say Mice nad Men it means to the it had to do with something that you really care for.

In the the title it talks about a mice and a men will in the book there is a mice and it belongs to lennie and Lennie got it from his Aunt but the bad thing that happens to the little mouse is that lennie takes it with him and on the way he was petting it and then once he toke it out of his pocket he saw it dead and he asked george and he answered "is because you petted to hard." So Lennie started to cry, so george throw it a way. Later that afternoon George said something to this man that he meant and they were talking to him and the thing that they talked about is that how Candy and his dog get along and so I begin to think that the title of the book would be good because in the book everyone has some one that care for something or someone.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the writer attempts to establish a controlling idea (“The dreams that people have are very important to the title of the book. Like George and Lennie dreams that they want to get out of the Ranch where they are working. also the title is appropriate for the book and characters because it tells how people care for the things that they care for.”), but it is not fully appropriate for this task. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the novel and makes few connections between the assignment and the texts. This essay lacks an adequate focus and meaning in its response.

Content & Development

Although the writer does provide some examples that signify the ideas in the book and poem, they are not fully developed or elaborated. For example, in the second paragraph, the student attempts to describe an incident when George took care of Lennie. However, the description lacks clarity and appropriate information. (“I also think that the title for the book is very appropriate because when George sees that the son of their boss is beating up Lennie so George told lennie to get him off so lennie listen and he grabed his hand broke it and it was bleeding a lot that is what I thought that would go good with the title of this book because when you say Mice nad Men it means to the it had to do with something that you really care for.”) The response could be greatly improved with more relevant and specific details and connections.

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response, but it is uncertain and ineffective. The introduction is noticeable, but it fails to engage the reader and establish a clear and focused controlling idea. The body of the essay consists of only one body paragraph, which begins with an unfocused topic sentence. (“In the beginning of the book I think that it tells you things that would go good with the title of the book.”) The concluding paragraph is limited in its ability to summarize the writer’s main points. (“Later that afternoon George said something to this man that he meant and they were talking to him and the thing that they talked about is that how Candy and his dog get along and so I begin to think that the title of the book would be good because in the book everyone has some one that care for something or someone.”)

Language Use & Style

The language used in this response is only partially adequate. The student incorporates only vague language and has a tendency to use run-on sentences. (“I also think that the title for the book is very appropriate because when George sees that the son of their boss is beating up Lennie so George told lennie to get him off so lennie listen and he grabed his hand broke it and it was bleeding a lot that is what I thought that would go good with the title of this book because when you say Mice nad Men it means to the it had to do with something that you really care for.”) Word choice and sentence structure could greatly be improved.

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some, limited control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“trys”), grammar (“things that would go good with the title of the book”), and capitalization (“lennie”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever read Of Mice and Men?, Well i read it and it was a great story. This is a great story for everyone to read. Of Mice and Men is a great titel because it fits with the story.This story is about two guy that are strugoling to make a living in the 1930's in California a real hard time that was. The main charrecters were a guy name Lenny he was not so brite. Another charrecter is Gorge he is the more machure and he was the one that did all the talking. Gorge and Lenny were trying to find a job, the ressand was because they had a American dream and the dream was to have a big house with a big ranch with lots of bunnys and cows. There was a little problem that was stopping them and that was Lenny. He was so dumd that he didnt even remember about his own aunts. One day when they were in the bus looking for a job because the last one Lenny had messed it up the bus driver had stoped and said "Last

stop". Goerge told the bus driver that they dont stop here that they are going more father he said too bad this is the last stop. Lenny and Gorge got off and starded walking to the farm were there going for there new job. They were walking and the bus driver had lied to them he was going to go that way. Gorge and Lenny kept on walking and Gorge saw that Lenny was playing with something so he asked him " Lenny" and he anwser "yes Gorge" "What do you have there" Lenny anwser "nothing" Gorge said "what do yuo mean nothing i see you have something

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea (“Of Mice and Men is a great titel because it fits with the story.”), but it is vague and doesn’t make any substantial connections between the poem “To a Mouse” and Of Mice and Men. There is no clear understanding of the purpose of this task or how to complete this assignment. The focus and meaning in this response are quite minimal.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. Many of the ideas presented are relevant to the novel, but are not necessarily relevant to the poem or the assigned task. (“One day when they were in the bus looking for a job because the last one Lenny had messed it up the bus driver had stoped and said ’Last stop’. Goerge told the bus driver that they dont stop here that they are going more father he said too bad this is the last stop. Lenny and Gorge got off and starded walking to the farm were there going for there new job. They were walking and the bus driver had lied to them he was going to go that way.”) No relevant connections are made between the poem and the book.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this response. The first sentence initially attempts to attract the reader. (“Have you ever read Of Mice and Men?, Well i read it and it was a great story.”) However, the essay consists of only one paragraph. The response lacks an introductory paragraph, a structured body, transitional devices, and a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The writer uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas and often seems unaware of the audience. (“He was so dumd that he didnt even remember about his own aunts.”) This student also makes basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“Gorge and Lenny kept on walking and Gorge saw that Lenny was playing with something so he asked him ‘Lenny’ and he anwser ‘yes Gorge’ ‘What do you have there’ Lenny anwser ‘nothing’ Gorge said ‘what do yuo mean nothing i see you have something’”) Overall, poor language use and style further detract from the impression of the essay.

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys minimal control of mechanics and conventions. Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with punctuation (“didn’t”), spelling (“ressand”), and grammar (“a American dream “) question the writer’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Of Mice and Men

The title of this novel is based on what happens in this story. I think that the title of this novel is perfectg for this story. The title itself talks about the comparison between mice and men. For example, One of the meanings of this novel is that the characters often feel trapped. I also think that the title could change to something else. The title could of been changed to what happens in the story.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer fails to establish an analysis of the text. Although there is some semblance of a controlling idea (“The title of this novel is based on what happens in this story. I think that the title of this novel is perfectg for this story.”), it is not clearly defined nor is it maintained throughout the response. There are no connections made between the novel, the poem, and the assigned task in this short response.

Content & Development

The content and development in this essay are inadequate and insufficient. No reasons are suggested to support why this title would be appropriate for the novel. The only noticeable supporting details are the student’s suggestions for a different title. The content isn’t meaningful and is entirely inappropriate. (“The title of this novel is based on what happens in this story. I think that the title of this novel is perfectg for this story. The title itself talks about the comparison between mice and men. For example, One of the meanings of this novel is that the characters often feel trapped. I also think that the title could change to something else. The title could of been changed to what happens in the story.”)

Organization

In this short response, there is no distinguishable organization. The response is only eight lines in length and contains no evidence of a structure. There is no introduction or conclusion. Additionally, there is no evidence of transitional devices or other organizational techniques. (“The title of this novel is based on what happens in this story. I think that the title of this novel is perfectg for this story. The title itself talks about the comparison between mice and men. For example, One of the meanings of this novel is that the characters often feel trapped. I also think that the title could change to something else. The title could of been changed to what happens in the story.”)

Language Use & Style

Even in such a short response, it is evident that the writer has difficulty using clear and coherent language. Sentence structure is not wholly inappropriate but is certainly not adequate. (“The title could of been changed to what happens in the story.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay displays inadequate control of mechanics and conventions. In this brief response, the writer demonstrates a poor ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“perfectg”), grammar (“The title could of been changed to what happens in the story.”) and capitalization (“For example, One of the meanings of this novel…”) show that the errors made significantly interfere with the communication of the intended message.

The Use of Metaphor in To Kill a Mockingbird

A dominant motif, or recurring thematic idea, in Harper Lee's novel, To Kill a Mockingbird , is the symbolic importance of the mockingbird. In the story, Atticus tells his children, "...it is a sin to kill a mockingbird."

In a well-developed essay, explain how Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley are metaphorically portrayed as mockingbirds. Give specific details and quotes to support these characterizations.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

To Kill a Mockingbird , by Harper Lee, is a story that portrays a young girls' life in the prejudice town of Maycomb , Alabama . It is a story about a young girl torn between the racist judgment of her fellow townsfolk and her hearts version of what is right. As her father Atticus Finch acts as the defense attorney for a black man, the young girl, Scout, and her brother Jem are faced with the difficult decision of if they should stand up for their beliefs or fall victim to the town's ignorance. As the trial unfolds a separate story occurs in the novel. Jem and Scout's mysterious neighbor begins to communicate with the outside world after years of seclusion. The children let their imagination run wild as they create imaginative tales of their neighbor, Boo Radley.

The title, To Kill a Mockingbird , was given to the novel by the author for a specific reason. The author's intent was to convey a message hidden within the text. To kill a mockingbird is a sin for obvious reasons, but what it symbolizes in this novel defines the meaning of sin. The symbolic meaning of the title was briefly uprooted in the following passage:

" 'I'd rather you shot at tin cans in the backyard, but I know you'll go after birds. Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.'..... ' Your father's right,' she said. ' Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't dig up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird (90).

The more literal translation, as it deals with the characters, is that to destroy innocence is a sin; because al they do it preserve the good and kindhearted.

The character of Tom Robinson was a 'mockingbird' in this novel. This particular character plays the part of the innocent man accused by the town drunk, Bob Ewell's, daughter of rape. Of course he is falsely accused and the only evidence that would even provide an inkling of a guilty verdict was purely circumstantial. But as this 'mockingbirds' story unfolds in the novel a reader can begin to see how the ignorance of the towns people and the stereotype of the colored population would affect the jury's decision. In the end Tom is found guilty, and later was shot trying to escape from prison. Tom Robinson was a noble, honest man throughout his predicament. Even his boss stood up for him during the trial : " 'I just want the lot of you to know one thing right now. That boys worked for me for eight years an' I ain't had a speck o' trouble outa him. Not a speck'" (195) . Tom Robinson was simply a victim of circumstance in a world were the white man was thought to be innately superior to the black man. It was proven that this character is a 'mockingbird' when he is wrongfully convicted on the basis that he was black when it was crystal clear he was innocent.

The character of Atticus Finch is a ' mockingbird'. He portrays the aspect of justice and human rights in this novel. He is Tom's defense attorney and his protector in some aspects, for he was the one who stood up for Tom against a lynching mob, as well as the whole town. During the course of the story, Atticus is met with fear and antagonism from the towns people, and was often met with evil stares or even the occasional " n- lover" from under a passing man's breath, but worst form of assault was given by the father of the girl who claimed the Tom had raped her: " It was Miss Stephan's pleasure to tell us: this morning Mr. Bob Ewell stopped Atticus on the post office corner, spat in his face and told him he'd get him if it took the rest of his life" (217). Atticus is rational and brave man, and even though he was met with a guilty verdict in the end, He still kept his head held high and thought that they had had a successful trial because of the long length of the jury's deliberation. He finally was able to make them realize that Tom was a human too. Atticus represents a 'mockingbird' because of his courageous acts to try and save Tom Robinson, even when the town was against him. He was assaulted and treated offensively when all he was trying to do was help a man in need.

The character of Boo Radley was also a 'mockingbird' in the novel. Throughout the story Boo never leaves the confines of his home. The neighborhood children conjured up gruesome images about this mysterious personality. The townsfolk spread rumors of his existence and reasons for never leaving his sanctuary. This character was shrouded in mystery throughout the plot until his brief excursions and attempts of communication with his neighbors Jem and Scout. Boo left clues and pieces of information about him throughout the story and aided the children in any predicament that they might encounter. In the end of the story he ends up being their savior when he rescues them from the drunken hands of Bob Ewell. Here the children discover that Boo wasn't the mean, nasty creature they had heard about, but rather a kind and gentle man, who lacked the confidence and social skills that were essential to survive in normal everyday life.

These characters represent innocence, justice, and heart. The three essential characteristics that could provide a understanding and successful form of utopia, but unfortunately these three characteristics are also met with fear and rejection, because those who contain these virtues are often seen as unique and people tend to discard new or different things, even if they are with good intentions. The 'mockingbirds' in this story were rejected and feared by the other characters because they were different, even when all they did was try to peacefully coexist with the townspeople. They were met with hostility, uneasiness, and sometimes even violence, but they always remained dignified. To disrespect those that try to preserve the good and kind hearted is an immoral offense, that's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer states an insightful controlling idea that clearly establishes an outline for the remainder of the essay, while also addressing the metaphor mentioned in the prompt. (“ The title, To Kill a Mockingbird , was given to the novel by the author for a specific reason. The author's intent was to convey a message hidden within the text. To kill a mockingbird is a sin for obvious reasons, but what it symbolizes in this novel defines the meaning of sin… The more literal translation, as it deals with the characters, is that to destroy innocence is a sin; because al they do it preserve the good and kindhearted. ”) By using a focused thesis, the writer is able to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the story. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The writer’s examination of the novel is very thorough and insightful. The writer uses a wide variety of textual details and examples and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The writer clearly explains examples from the text that support his/her thesis. (“ The character of Tom Robinson was a 'mockingbird' in this novel. This particular character plays the part of the innocent man accused by the town drunk, Bob Ewell's, daughter of rape. Of course he is falsely accused and the only evidence that would even provide an inkling of a guilty verdict was purely circumstantial. But as this 'mockingbirds' story unfolds in the novel a reader can begin to see how the ignorance of the towns people and the stereotype of the colored population would affect the jury's decision. ”) This student goes beyond superficial interpretation and treats the reader to an in-depth analysis that uses support from the text.

Organization

The essay is organized very effectively. The introduction is well-developed, and it engages the reader with a brief synopsis of the story in an insightful thesis. The body paragraphs are detailed and well-supported with specific quotes from the text. Finally, an artful conclusion reiterates the writer’s thesis to engage the reader one last time. (“ These characters represent innocence, justice, and heart. The three essential characteristics that could provide a understanding and successful form of utopia, but unfortunately these three characteristics are also met with fear and rejection, because those who contain these virtues are often seen as unique and people tend to discard new or different things, even if they are with good intentions. The 'mockingbirds' in this story were rejected and feared by the other characters because they were different, even when all they did was try to peacefully coexist with the townspeople. They were met with hostility, uneasiness, and sometimes even violence, but they always remained dignified. To disrespect those that try to preserve the good and kind hearted is an immoral offense, that's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer composes this essay using very effective, stylistic language and precise, artful word choice (“During the course of the story, Atticus is met with fear and antagonism from the towns people, and was often met with evil stares or even the occasional ‘n- lover’ from under a passing man's breath, but worst form of assault was given by the father of the girl who claimed the Tom had raped her" ). Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ Atticus is rational and brave man, and even though he was met with a guilty verdict in the end, He still kept his head held high and thought that they had had a successful trial because of the long length of the jury's deliberation. He finally was able to make them realize that Tom was a human too. Atticus represents a 'mockingbird' because of his courageous acts to try and save Tom Robinson, even when the town was against him.”) This student uses effective language to demonstrate an awareness of audience and purpose.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. A few errors in punctuation (“ towns people”) are evident in this well-written piece, but they do not detract from the intended message.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Have you ever seen or heard a mockingbird sing? They are so very beautiful and innocent. In To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee, the author of the book, describes three men, all as innocent and nice as mockingbirds. Tom Robinson is accused, but innocent, of raping a girl. Boo Radley, thought of as a monster, hides food for Jem and Scout inside a tree. Even Atticus, a loving father, is good and brave enough to defend an African- American.

The first person who represents a mockingbird is Tom Robinson. Tom Robinson, accused of raping a girl, is a clean man "... was legally married, they say he kept himself clean, went to church and all that"(240). Harper Lee writes that Tom is innocent, but is ruled guilty, and has nowhere to go in life. " To Maycomb, Toms death was typical. Typical of a nigger to cut and run. Typical of a niggers mentality to have no plan, no thought for the future, just run blind first chance he saw"(240). This shows that Tom Robinson has no rights, is totally innocent, but still is found guilty. He represents a mockingbird in many ways, but mostly because he is innocent and shot to death trying to escape.

The second person that represents a mockingbird is Boo Radley. He and his family are sabotaged with cruel stories that make him and his look like monsters. Towards the end of the story, Boo starts to be recognized as a good loving person who is good and nice. " Less than two weeks later we found a whole package of chewing gum, which we enjoyed..."(60). All of these reasons show that Boo Radley truly does represent a mockingbird, because he also is innocent and has nothing to show for it, but two kids who trust in him. While he is hated and harassed by childhood stories, he still has good in the back of his mind and inside his soul.

Last, but certainly not least, is Atticus Finch, a well devoted father, a lawyer, and a good teacher to his kids. He teaches his kids the meaning of life and that violence has no place in human society. Harper Lee explains that even after being cursed at, spat on, and threatened to be killed, violence does not solve any problems. " According to miss Crawford, however, Atticus was leaving the post when Mr. Ewell approached him, cursed him, spat on him, and threatened to kill him... miss Stephanie said that Atticus said 'no, too old(to fight). Put his hands in his pockets and strolled on"(217). This obviously shows that even under the worst situations, he does not turn to violence and does not get mad, he uses his patience and does not get himself in a big mess, the same as mockingbirds.

All of these men represent a mockingbird in every aspect of life. They are all harmless, innocent, and do good in their lifetimes. What we can learn from this is not to judge anybody by how they look, the stories told about them, or anything in relation to pre- judgement, but to actually know the truth before proving someone guilty of a crime or treason. Atticus, called a " nigger lover", is to lose his case, but still puts up a fight and almost won, while Tom Robinson is proven guilty and shot to death trying to escape a courthouse. Even Boo Radley, thought to have feasted on squirrels with bloodstains on his hands and scars galore, does good for Jem and Scout by putting gifts in a tree to show he is friendly. At the beginning of the book, these men are all hated for innocent actions, but by the end all the truth comes out and the innocence shows.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“ Have you ever seen or heard a mockingbird sing? They are so very beautiful and innocent. In To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee, the author of the book, describes three men, all as innocent and nice as mockingbirds. Tom Robinson is accused, but innocent, of raping a girl. Boo Radley, thought of as a monster, Hides food for Jem and Scout inside a tree. Even Atticus, a loving father, is good and brave enough to defend an African- American. ”) and completes a thorough analysis of the text. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the text, task, and his/her own experiences.

Content & Development

The writer of this essay develops a thorough analysis of the novel through the use of metaphor. (“ According to miss Crawford, however, Atticus was leaving the post when Mr. Ewell approached him, cursed him, spat on him, and threatened to kill him... miss Stephanie said that Atticus said 'no, too old(to fight). Put his hands in his pockets and strolled on’ (217). This obviously shows that even under the worst situations, he does not turn to violence and does not get mad, he uses his patience and does not get himself in a big mess, the same as mockingbirds.”) The writer cites directly from the text to demonstrate a full understanding of the story while making high-level connections to the figurative language used in the novel. (“The second person that represents a mockingbird is Boo Radley. He and his family are sabotaged with cruel stories that make him and his look like monsters. Towards the end of the story, Boo starts to be recognized as a good loving person who is good and nice. ‘ Less than two weeks later we found a whole package of chewing gum, which we enjoyed...’(60). All of these reasons show that Boo Radley truly does represent a mockingbird, because he also is innocent and has nothing to show for it, but two kids who trust in him. While he is hated and harassed by childhood stories, he still has good in the back of his mind and inside his soul.”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ The second person that represents a mockingbird is Boo Radley. He and his family are sabotaged with cruel stories that make him and his look like monsters. Towards the end of the story, Boo starts to be recognized as a good loving person who is good and nice." ) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the student makes an insightful connection between the text and real life. (“ All of these men represent a mockingbird in every aspect of life. They are all harmless, innocent, and do good in their lifetimes. What we can learn from this is not to judge anybody by how they look, the stories told about them, or anything in relation to pre- judgement, but to actually know the truth before proving someone guilty of a crime or treason.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates very appropriate word choice and some evidence of voice. (“All of these reasons show that Boo Radley truly does represent a mockingbird, because he also is innocent and has nothing to show for it, but two kids who trust in him. While he is hated and harassed by childhood stories, he still has good in the back of his mind and inside his soul.” ) The writer uses varied sentence structure and is aware of his/her audience. (“ Last, but certainly not least, is Atticus Finch, a well devoted father, a lawyer, and a good teacher to his kids. He teaches his kids the meaning of life and that violence has no place in human society. Harper Lee explains that even after being cursed at, spat on, and threatened to be killed, violence does not solve any problems.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates effective control over the mechanics and conventions of writing. Very few errors in spelling , grammar (“ They are all harmless, innocent, and do good in their lifetimes.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"Mockingbirds are people that never do anything but make music for us to enjoy" (90). In To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson and Boo Radley are metaphorically portrayed as mockingbirds. Atticus Finch helps people based on justice and Tom Robinson was a good man who just tried to help Mayella. Furthermore, Boo Radley was a man who had never hurt anybody.

First of all, Atticus Finch is a man of justice. He is always trying to help people who need it. Also he is not racist. He treats everybody in the same way. Atticus tells Scout how important the Tom Robinson case is to him. "This case, Tom Robinson case is something that's goes to the essence of a man's conscience Scout I couldn't go to church and worship God if I don't try to help that man" (104). This quote illustrates that Atticus is a great man that follows the law. It does not matter to him what the people say; he will still help Tom.

Tom Robinson is a black man, and he being discriminated against because of his skin color. Tom is accused of taking advantage of Mayella Ewell, even though the only thing hi did was try to help her. Here the jury is asking Tom Robinson how he helped Mayella for not one penny. "'Did all this for not one penny?' 'Yes, suh. I felt right sorry for her; she seemed to try mor'n the rest of 'em'" (197). Tom never thought of taking advantages of Mayella because she tried more than the rest of her family. He is a mockingbird who is literally shot because of people stereotypes.

Boo Radley is a man who has not come out of his house for a long time. In addition, he has done nothing to the people around him, but the neighbors stereotype him. Here Atticus is telling Scout, Jem and Dill to stop tormenting Boo. "'Son' he said to Jem 'I going to tell you something and tell you one time: Stop tormenting that man. That goes for the other two of you. What Mr. Radley did was his own business. If he wanted to stay inside his own house he had the right to stay inside'" (49). Scout, Jem and Dill were facinated with Boo, They would do anything to make Boo come out of his hause to enjoy seeing him.

Atticus and Boo overcome the town's negative attitudes and survive as mockingbirds. Unfortunate, Tom is killed after he is found guilty at the trail. In our society, there are people who are still mockingbirds; they are being hurt by people in different ways just as people hurt Atticus, Tom and Boo.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the text. The writer develops an answer to the prompt, has an understanding of the task, and analyzes the use of metaphor within the text. (“‘Mockingbirds are people that never do anything but make music for us to enjoy’ (90). In To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee, Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson and Boo Radley are metaphorically portrayed as mockingbirds. Atticus Finch helps people based on justice and Tom Robinson was a good man who just tried to help Mayella. Furthermore, Boo Radley was a man who had never hurt anybody. First of all, Atticus Finch is a man of justice. He is always trying to help people who need it. Also he is not racist. He treats everybody in the same way.”) This response offers a brief analysis and does make connections between the text and life.

Content & Development

The writer supports his/her controlling idea with some specific, accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes the thesis, and the body paragraphs demonstrate the writer’s understanding of the text. However, the writer does not go into enough detail, as is evidenced by the lack of analysis on how Boo is considered a mockingbird. (“Boo Radley is a man who has not come out of his house for a long time. In addition, he has done nothing to the people around him, but the neighbors stereotype him.”) The writer does make important connections between the text, the use of metaphor in the novel, and real life. (“Atticus and Boo overcome the town's negative attitudes and survive as mockingbirds. Unfortunate, Tom is killed after he is found guilty at the trail. In our society, there are people who are still mockingbirds; they are being hurt by people in different ways just as people hurt Atticus, Tom and Boo.”)

Organization

This response exhibits a generally unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph engages t he reader and develops the necessary background information for the essay . Each body parag raph is adequately structured but could use a more detailed explanation of the text. The concluding paragraph should further elaborate the writer’s analysis of metaphor in the text, but it fails to do so. (“ Atticus and Boo overcome the town's negative attitudes and survive as mockingbirds. Unfortunate, Tom is killed after he is found guilty at the trail. In our society, there are people who are still mockingbirds; they are being hurt by people in different ways just as people hurt Atticus, Tom and Boo.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most of the writer’s word choices are appropriate. (“Tom Robinson is a black man, and he being discriminated against because of his skin color. Tom is accused of taking advantage of Mayella Ewell, even though the only thing hi did was try to help her. ”) Most sentences use correct structure but lack variety, as is evidenced by the presence of repetitive sentences. (“ First of all, Atticus Finch is a man of justice. He is always trying to help people who need it. Also he is not racist. He treats everybody in the same way.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay conveys adequate control of mechanics and conventions. The writer does commit some errors in punctuation , spelling (“ trail”) , and grammar (“ Unfortunate, Tom is killed after he is found guilty at the trail. ”). However, these mistakes do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The book to kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee teaches about valuable life lessons. Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley are all symbolically portrayed as mockingbirds in this book. Atticus is a good person in life and is a good father. Tom Robinson is falsely accused of raping a woman. Boo Radley is good at heart but people because of what he has done in the past misjudge him. The first person that is being portrayed is Atticus Finch. Atticus is a really good lawyer and a good father. Atticus is very involved in his kids' lives and he listens to them. "That's really bothering you isn't it?"(Pg72). Atticus cares about how his kids feel and he asks them questions about how they are doing. Atticus has a similarity of a mockingbird because he is a nice man who is never negative and tries to see the good in everything. The second person that is being portrayed is Boo Radley. Everyone in town is afraid of Boo Radley because of what he has done in the past. Boo stabbed his father in the leg with a pair of scissors, so that's probably the reason why people fear him. "I never heard that it was a crime to do the uttermost to prevent a crime from being committed" (PG167). Boo is not a really bad guy at all; people misjudge him. The third person that is being portrayed is Tom Robinson. Tom Robinson is falsely accused of raping Mayela Ewell. Tom is accused of raping Mayela Ewell and did not commit the crime but he is found guilty anyways. Tom probably knew that he was not going to get a fair trial because he is black. Toms accuser is a white woman and Tom being black had a slim to none chance of being found innocent. "Typical of a nigger to cut and run" (pg 196).Tom most likely decided to run away because he would probably be killed and jailed and wanted to try to escape. Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley all had some sort of connection between them in this book. I think that if the trial had held in present day society the racism against Tom and unfairness of his trial would have been lower. Tom Robinson would have probably been found innocent because in present day society there is not as much racism towards black people like there used to be and Tom would have been found innocent.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer attempts to establish a controlling idea (“ The book to kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee teaches about valuable life lessons. Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley are all symbolically portrayed as mockingbirds in this book. Atticus is a good person in life and is a good father. Tom Robinson is falsely accused of raping a woman. Boo Radley is good at heart but people because of what he has done in the past misjudge him ”), but it is not fully developed. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the text. The writer attempts to make a few connections between the task and the text (“ Atticus has a similarity of a mockingbird because he is a nice man who is never negative and tries to see the good in everything. ”), but these connections lack adequate focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the writer does provide a basic analysis of the text, it is not fully developed or detailed. In the introductory paragraph, the writer includes a detail from the text, but it is inadequately and insufficiently explained. (“ The book to kill a mockingbird by Harper Lee teaches about valuable life lessons. Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley are all symbolically portrayed as mockingbirds in this book. ”) Here, the writer fails to explain what those life lessons are and how they connect to the metaphor of the mockingbird. In the conclusion, the writer tries to make a connection to the text, but it comes across to the reader as off-topic. (“ I think that if the trial had held in present day society the racism against Tom and unfairness of his trial would have been lower. Tom Robinson would have probably been found innocent because in present day society there is not as much racism towards black people like there used to be and Tom would have been found innocent.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The writer includes an introduction and three body paragraphs, but they are not separated into distinct clusters of ideas. Defined body paragraphs would make this essay more effective. This essay contains a conclusion, but it is both simple and confusing to the reader. The following example shows how the writer didn’t separate the end of the previous idea with the conclusion that follows: “ Tom most likely decided to run away because he would probably be killed and jailed and wanted to try to escape. Atticus Finch, Tom Robinson, and Boo Radley all had some sort of connection between them in this book. I think that if the trial had held in present day society the racism against Tom and unfairness of his trial would have been lower. Tom Robinson would have probably been found innocent because in present day society there is not as much racism towards black people like there used to be and Tom would have been found innocent.”

Language Use & Style

Although the use of language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“Tom is accused of raping Mayela Ewell and did not commit the crime but he is found guilty anyways. Tom probably knew that he was not going to get a fair trial because he is black. Toms accuser is a white woman and Tom being black had a slim to none chance of being found innocent.”) The sentence structure is adequate and varied, but the essay contains minimal evidence of voice. (“Everyone in town is afraid of Boo Radley because of what he has done in the past. Boo stabbed his father in the leg with a pair of scissors, so that's probably the reason why people fear him. ‘I never heard that it was a crime to do the uttermost to prevent a crime from being committed’ (PG167). Boo is not a really bad guy at all; people misjudge him. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some limited control over the mechanics and conventions of writing. However, several errors in spelling , grammar (“ I think that if the trial had held in present day society”) , and punctuation (“ Toms accuser”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In to kill a mocking bird there are many people who portray mocking birds, but none of the characters portray this better than the three heros of this book. Atticus Finch, Boo Radley, and Tom Robinson represent theses heros. All these people want to do is help people, make them feel loved, and show every one the same curtesy as they would treat themselves.

Tom Robison sung his mocking bird song well. He helped people all around him. If someone needed help he would go and do it for them. When Tom went to help Mayella he did it from the goodness of his heart.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay struggles to establish a central idea ( “In to kill a mocking bird there are many people who portray mocking birds, but none of the characters portray this better than the three heros of this book. ”), and it is not clearly established or developed. This response fails to be detailed, although the writer does attempt to make a connection between the text and task in this brief introduction. This shows that the writer does not fully understand the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The writer briefly relays ideas related to the thesis, but he/she needs to go into further detail in order to convince the reader. (“Atticus Finch, Boo Radley, and Tom Robinson represent theses heros. All these people want to do is help people, make them feel loved, and show every one the same curtesy as they would treat themselves.”) There are entirely too few details and examples from the text for this response to be sufficient.

Organization

There is little evidence of unified organization in this short response. The introduction (“ Tom Robison sung his mocking bird song well. He helped people all around him. If someone needed help he would go and do it for them. When Tom went to help Mayella he did it from the goodness of his heart. ”) and simple body paragraph lack focus; therefore, no organizational pattern is evident. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

The writer uses simple language to address his/her audience. (“All these people want to do is help people, make them feel loved, and show every one the same curtesy as they would treat themselves.”) Overall, the language use in this essay seems limited but not wholly inappropriate. (“ In to kill a mocking bird there are many people who portray mocking birds, but none of the characters portray this better than the three heros of this book. Atticus Finch, Boo Radley, and Tom Robinson represent theses heros.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates minimal control over the mechanics and conventions of standard, written English. Errors in spelling (“curtesy”) , grammar (“ but none of the characters portray this better than the three heros of this book.”) , and punctuation are noticeable and interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A mockingbird is a quaint little bird. It does not eat your flowers, it does not nest in your gutter. All it does is perch in a tree and sing it's heart out. The mockingbird would never intentinally hurt any one or thing. In to kill a mocking bird the mocking bird is a symbol

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this short, almost incoherent response, the writer fails to establish a controlling idea. (“A mockingbird is a quaint little bird. It does not eat your flowers, it does not nest in your gutter. All it does is perch in a tree and sing it's heart out.”) The writer has no understanding of the purpose or the audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The writer fails to state a thesis or to use any relevant details from the text. It seems as if this writer is starting to introduce the concept of the mockingbird as a metaphor, but fails to develop his/her response with any details (“All it does is perch in a tree and sing it's heart out. The mockingbird would never intentinally hurt any one or thing. In to kill a mocking bird the mocking bird is a symbol”).

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction, but it does not include a thesis, body paragraphs, or conclusion. (“A mockingbird is a quaint little bird. It does not eat your flowers, it does not nest in your gutter. All it does is perch in a tree and sing it's heart out. The mockingbird would never intentinally hurt any one or thing. In to kill a mocking bird the mocking bird is a symbol”)

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the language use is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“A mockingbird is a quaint little bird. It does not eat your flowers, it does not nest in your gutter. All it does is perch in a tree and sing it's heart out.”) However, the writer shows no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows that the student has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. There are major errors in spelling (“intentinally”), grammar (“sing it's heart out.”), and punctuation which somewhat interfere with the meaning of the text.

Theme in Literature

A theme is the main message a reader can learn about life or human nature from a literary piece. From a story you have read in class, identify a theme that the reader may learn from the story. In a well-organized essay, describe this theme. Use textual examples from the story to support your ideas and explain how they support the theme.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

One of the many themes of the account The Pearl is greed, and the consequences of actions driven by greed. At the center of the story is the pearl. Almost every character has that one goal in common to gain the wealth the pearl represents. Each is compelled by their greed, and Kino reaps the consequences. Greed, his own and others destroyed him, his livelihood, and his family.

Kino is quickly introduced to greed when he goes to the doctor for help. Because Kino and Juana cannot pay, the doctor refuses to help the stung child. Kino doesn't understand it, just as his village didn't know why the doctor would not come, they just knew he wouldn't. Juana cures the child, but this experience sets Kino up for wanting a better life. It made him wish for money enough to garner help and attention. When Kino first discovers the pearl, there is no greed. It never even crosses the minds of his fellow villagers to attempt to steal Kino's fortune and so Kino saw only the good things he could buy with his new wealth, marriage, shoes, clothes, schooling for Coyotito, even a gun. He doesn't try to keep the pearl a secret, because it doesn't occur to him that others might not rejoice in his luck. He doesn't know that others might see this as an opportunity to make themselves rich.

Now that Kino and Juana have the pearl, the doctor shows up at their little home, intent on curing Coyotito of the scorpion poison, perhaps thinking he might get the pearl for payment. But the child is well, and other men are already working on stealing away Kino's new wealth, selling him things they do not need. Greedy for the pearl and the money it represents, the doctor uses a small dose of poison, giving it to the child to make it seem as though Coyotito was not cured. He uses this and Kino's ignorance to make it seem that he could help, downsizing Juana's role in curing Coyotito. But this plan is foiled by the other men, ones working for the pearl buyer. They show Kino and Juana that the tricks the doctor presents are just that, tricks. Their greed actually helps Kino at this point, foiling the doctor. At this, the doctor changes tactics, and drawing Kino aside, plants a seed of suspicion in his heart. He tells Kino that he had not come to cure the child, but to warn Kino that those men would try to steal the pearl. He presents himself as trustworthy, a friend helping out another. He is attempting to wriggle his way into Kino's trust and confidence.

However, Kino's greed overcomes his sense. He is not only hungry for wealth, but for attention, acceptance into the equivalent of the popular society. The pearl buyer's men pretend to befriend Kino. They convince him to leave his wife and child behind, saying that he is the man, he does as he wants. And so they separate Kino from sensible Juana, who is beginning to see that what the pearl really means. The pearl is almost lost by Kino's foolishness, as he let slip in drunkenness where he had hidden it. He awakes the next morning, despairing at his actions, crying to Juana that it is gone, but Juana has saved it; she had the foresight to put it somewhere much safer. Juana thinks they should throw it away, before something much worse happens. She tells Kino, "The pearl is like a sin " But Kino's greed has taken root to deep to be so easily dispelled. But awful things follow them. Their humble but only home is burned. Juana attempts to throw the pearl back into the sea, but Kino overtakes her, and hits her, something that he has never done before. His self-indulgence causes him to think only of himself. Then Kino kills a man, and his canoe is destroyed. They flee, and are pursued by the doctor, and the pearl buyer and his trackers. Cornered, Kino and his family hide, but it is not enough. Driven by greed, the pearl buyer shoots Coyotito. An enraged Kino kills the pearl buyer.

Almost every action in this story originated from the want for more. The story displays the consequences of the deeds that are motivated by greed. Kino's greed started as merely wanting a better life for him and his family, but it turned into an insatiable hunger for wealth and attention. This greed destroyed him, and it destroyed his family, who had not given in. The Pearl 's theme is greed, and how it affects people, even those who do not act upon it themselves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay maintains effective focus and meaning by establishing an in-depth analysis of the text. The writer makes insightful connections among the task and the ideas in the text, using literary elements and techniques. (“Kino is quickly introduced to greed when he goes to the doctor for help. Because Kino and Juana cannot pay, the doctor refuses to help the stung child. Kino doesn't understand it, just as his village didn't know why the doctor would not come, they just knew he wouldn't. Juana cures the child, but this experience sets Kino up for wanting a better life. It made him wish for money enough to garner help and attention. When Kino first discovers the pearl, there is no greed. It never even crosses the minds of his fellow villagers to attempt to steal Kino's fortune and so Kino saw only the good things he could buy with his new wealth, marriage, shoes, clothes, schooling for Coyotito, even a gun. He doesn't try to keep the pearl a secret, because it doesn't occur to him that others might not rejoice in his luck. He doesn't know that others might see this as an opportunity to make themselves rich.”)

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text. Literary elements and techniques from the text are also incorporated into the essay. (“Now that Kino and Juana have the pearl, the doctor shows up at their little home, intent on curing Coyotito of the scorpion poison, perhaps thinking he might get the pearl for payment. But the child is well, and other men are already working on stealing away Kino's new wealth, selling him things they do not need. Greedy for the pearl and the money it represents, the doctor uses a small dose of poison, giving it to the child to make it seem as though Coyotito was not cured. He uses this and Kino's ignorance to make it seem that he could help, downsizing Juana's role in curing Coyotito. But this plan is foiled by the other men, ones working for the pearl buyer. They show Kino and Juana that the tricks the doctor presents are just that, tricks. Their greed actually helps Kino at this point, foiling the doctor. At this, the doctor changes tactics, and drawing Kino aside, plants a seed of suspicion in his heart. He tells Kino that he had not come to cure the child, but to warn Kino that those men would try to steal the pearl. He presents himself as trustworthy, a friend helping out another. He is attempting to wriggle his way into Kino's trust and confidence.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The introduction not only describes in detail the theme of the story, it also effectively captures the importance of the lesson learned from the text. (“One of the many themes of the account The Pearl is greed, and the consequences of actions driven by greed. At the center of the story is the pearl. Almost every character has that one goal in common to gain the wealth the pearl represents. Each is compelled by their greed, and Kino reaps the consequences. Greed, his own and others destroyed him, his livelihood, and his family.”) The conclusion nicely and effectively brings the topic of the essay to a close, reiterating the main points presented in the introduction. (“Almost every action in this story originated from the want for more. The story displays the consequences of the deeds that are motivated by greed. Kino's greed started as merely wanting a better life for him and his family, but it turned into an insatiable hunger for wealth and attention. This greed destroyed him, and it destroyed his family, who had not given in. The Pearl's theme is greed, and how it affects people, even those who do not act upon it themselves.”) An effective use of transitional devices is also present throughout the essay.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, a clear sense of audience, and well-structured and varied sentences. (“However, Kino's greed overcomes his sense. He is not only hungry for wealth, but for attention, acceptance into the equivalent of the popular society. The pearl buyer's men pretend to befriend Kino. They convince him to leave his wife and child behind, saying that he is the man, he does as he wants. And so they separate Kino from sensible Juana, who is beginning to see that what the pearl really means. The pearl is almost lost by Kino's foolishness, as he let slip in drunkenness where he had hidden it. He awakes the next morning, despairing at his actions, crying to Juana that it is gone, but Juana has saved it; she had the foresight to put it somewhere much safer.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay has few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling. ( “ His self-indulgence causes him to think only of himself. Then Kino kills a man, and his canoe is destroyed. They flee, and are pursued by the doctor, and the pearl buyer and his trackers. Cornered, Kino and his family hide, but it is not enough. Driven by greed, the pearl buyer shoots Coyotito. An enraged Kino kills the pearl buyer.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A theme is a statement about life that the writers trying to get across in that piece of writing. A theme is one of the most important parts of a story. Without a theme there is no actual point of the story. It is also a main idea of the story because when you think about it you are able to compare it to your life or the life of another. In the story Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, he implies that one of the only things in life you need is a friend. This is an agreeable and disagreeable subject, but in this case of the story it means a lot for both George and Lennie. It may not mean as much to George but it means a lot to Lennie. As a child Lennie never had a real family, he lived with his aunt, and George was his only friend. For George he had a family and more than one friend. Both of the characters grow with each other and end up being each others best friend.

There are several themes in Of Mice and Men but one of the most important theme is, friendship may be the only thing in life a person needs. This is an agreeable and disagreeable subject, but it is also very true. A friend is not just a friend but they are your family. In most cases people do everything with their friends, they go shopping, hang out, and sometimes they even go to college and get an apartment with each other. Most people do this so when they leave their home for the first time they are with someone they know that they can trust. When they need help they will be there to talk, just like when a child is upset their mother or father will come to talk to them and try to make them happy, and what ever they do it works. So that person wants a friend that will be able to do that for them. So in most cases all you need is friendship because your family will not always be there for you.

When George grew up as a child he had more then Lennie ever had. He had a family and friends. And as the two characters grew up they stuck with each other, and at times the story may have implied that George stayed with Lennie because he felt sorry for him, but it want true, George would have never of been his friend if he did not like Lennie. Also George stayed with Lennie for all the time Lennie got himself into trouble, George was always there to get him out of it. An example of this is when both the characters are at a bar and are both having a good time, Lennie sees a pretty girl with a red dress on, he goes up to the girl and touches her dress because he thinks it looks soft, but se ends up screaming and the other people think he is hurting her, so George and Lennie end up having to leave town again.

Another example of friendship is when the both of them are at the farm they work at, and Lennie ends up doing the same thing to one of the characters wife, but he touches her hair, but this time he ends up killing her. So Lennie ran away and George found him, but George was not going to run away anymore, he could not, Lennie did the worst thing he ever did, so George had no choice but to kill his best friend or have some other man do it for him, so George killed his best friend. But it was not out of hate it was out of love.

When Lennie grew up as a child he had no family or friends, except for George and his aunt. The story never stated this but it impliyd that Lennie was slow and Lennie liked soft and pretty things. So his aunt gott him mice, but Lennie always ended up killing them, but he never meant them not harm as he would say. So one day his aunt stopped getting him them and she later died. So it was now up to George to take care of him, who else would. So George would then get him his mice, but Lennie always wanted a puppy, so George promised him that one day he would get him one and he did. When they reached the farm they were working at one of the dogs had a litter of puppies so George was able to give one to Lennie, but Lennie ended up killing it which lead up to the death of one of that characters wife, which sooner lead up to the death of Lennie.

So in a way friendship is the only thing that a person needs in life. Because there not only a friend, they are family. So both of the characters did a lot with each other but sometime you just have to do the right thing for each other, and George did do the right thing. He killed the person he loved than rather having someone else do it for him and that is a true meaning of friendship.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a thorough analysis of the text and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques by using a controlling or central idea. (“In the story Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, he implies that one of the only things in life you need is a friend. This is an agreeable and disagreeable subject, but in this case of the story it means a lot for both George and Lennie. It may not mean as much to George but it means a lot to Lennie. As a child Lennie never had a real family, he lived with his aunt, and George was his only friend. For George he had a family and more than one friend. Both of the characters grow with each other and end up being each others best friend.”)

Content & Development

This essay develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text. Examples of literary elements and techniques are also present. (“Also George stayed with Lennie for all the time Lennie got himself into trouble, George was always there to get him out of it. An example of this is when both the characters are at a bar and are both having a good time, Lennie sees a pretty girl with a red dress on, he goes up to the girl and touches her dress because he thinks it looks soft, but se ends up screaming and the other people think he is hurting her, so George and Lennie end up having to leave town again.”)

Organization

This essay demonstrates a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. The introduction clearly establishes the theme from the text being discussed in the essay. (“A theme is a statement about life that the writers trying to get across in that piece of writing. A theme is one of the most important parts of a story. Without a theme there is no actual point of the story. It is also a main idea of the story because when you think about it you are able to compare it to your life or the life of another. In the story Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, he implies that one of the only things in life you need is a friend.”) The writer brings the essay to a close by reiterating the theme of the text, which was presented in the introduction. (“So in a way friendship is the only thing that a person needs in life. Because there not only a friend, they are family. So both of the characters did a lot with each other but sometime you just have to do the right thing for each other, and George did do the right thing. He killed the person he loved than rather having someone else do it for him and that is a true meaning of friendship.”) Consistent use of transitional devices is also present.

Language Use & Style

This essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer also uses well-structured sentences with some variety. (“There are several themes in Of Mice and Men but one of the most important theme is, friendship may be the only thing in life a person needs. This is an agreeable and disagreeable subject, but it is also very true. A friend is not just a friend but they are your family. In most cases people do everything with their friends, they go shopping, hang out, and sometimes they even go to college and get an apartment with each other.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are a few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the message of the essay. (“The story never stated this but it impliyd that Lennie was slow and Lennie liked soft and pretty things. So his aunt gott him mice, but Lennie always ended up killing them, but he never meant them not harm as he would say.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Even though people make mistakes, they get another chance to prove themselves. In the short story, "Thank You Ma'm" by Langston Hughes, the theme of the story is second chances. Second chances should always be given to people even if they did the wrong thing.

On his first chance, he thought he can get away by stealing. In this quote, "It was about eleven o'clock at night, dark and she was walking alone when a boy ran up behind her and tried to snatch her purse" shows that it was Roger's first chance to get money for his shoes. Although Mrs. Jones, the lady with the purse, caught him and held him tightly, that showed that Roger's first chance failed. Even though he didn't get his opportunity, doesn't mean its over yet. In addition, this quote, "Roger looked at the door- looked at the woman- looked at the door- and went to the sink," shows that he can possibly get another chance if he behaves himself. This shows that he's cleaning his act into a more controllable person. This also shows that he may know that this could be his time to redeem himself. Even though Roger planned to steal something he didn't manage to do, he behaves himself getting ready for his next chance.

Roger had another chance he can take. In this quote, "'I have done things, too, which I would not tell you, son-neither tell God, if He didn't already know,'" it shows that Mrs. Jones has been what Roger's been through. Mrs. Jones may give him another chance because she knows what he's been through. Also, Mrs. Jones may give him another chance because she doesn't want Roger to steal anymore. In addition, this quote, "When they finished eating, she got up and said, 'Now here, take this ten dollars and buy yourself some blue suede shoes,” shows that he got another chance to get money. Also, he got more than just money, he got advice, asking instead of stealing. Roger changes him self and he stops stealing other's money. On Roger's second chance he got more than just ten dollars but he changed his act.

People make mistakes but then again they get their second chance. Roger really deserved a second chance because he have wouldn't learned his mistakes and would just keep stealing other's money for the things he wants. Roger learned a valuable lesson and he won't steal again.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. (“On his first chance, he thought he can get away by stealing. In this quote, "It was about eleven o'clock at night, dark and she was walking alone when a boy ran up behind her and tried to snatch her purse" shows that it was Roger's first chance to get money for his shoes. Although Mrs. Jones, the lady with the purse, caught him and held him tightly, that showed that Roger's first chance failed. Even though he didn't get his opportunity, doesn't mean its over yet.”)

Content & Development

The author develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text. (“In addition, this quote, "Roger looked at the door- looked at the woman- looked at the door- and went to the sink," shows that he can possibly get another chance if he behaves himself. This shows that he's cleaning his act into a more controllable person. This also shows that he may know that this could be his time to redeem himself. Even though Roger planned to steal something he didn't manage to do, he behaves himself getting ready for his next chance.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. The introduction creates an established position on the theme of the writer’s chosen story. (“Even though people make mistakes, they get another chance to prove themselves. In the short story, "Thank You Ma'm" by Langston Hughes, the theme of the story is second chances. Second chances should always be given to people even if they did the wrong thing.”) The conclusion reiterates the theme mentioned in the introduction, using details from the text for support. (“People make mistakes but then again they get their second chance. Roger really deserved a second chance because he have wouldn't learned his mistakes and would just keep stealing other's money for the things he wants. Roger learned a valuable lesson and he won't steal again.”) An inconsistent use of transitional devices however, is also present.

Language Use & Style

The essay demonstrates appropriate language use and word choice, with an awareness of audience and control of voice. The writer generally uses correct sentences with some variety. (“This also shows that he may know that this could be his time to redeem himself. Even though Roger planned to steal something he didn't manage to do, he behaves himself getting ready for his next chance.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling are present, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“Also, he got more than just money, he got advice, asking instead of stealing. Roger changes him self and he stops stealing other's money.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Never giving up is the key through success. In The Old Man And The Sea, Hemingway illustrates that a man must have percistance towards his aspirations. In the story Santiago struggles to capture the Marlin, and despite he confronts many issues he never gives up. Santiago 's desires to achieve his dreams demonstrated that a strong spirit is necessary to succeed. One must be patient and have endurance in order to conquer our desires.

Fighting for what one desires is the option one must follow in order to succeed. When Santiago was in the middle of the sea trying to defeat the Marlin he thought he could not capture the fish because he was struggling a lot, however he rememberd when he bit in arm wrestling a very strong man, therefore he got courage to keep fighting for the fish. After Santiago realized he could defeat the fish he did not give up until the last moment. Santiago portrayed resistance and strength against a stronger creature than him.

Likewise, Santiago showed bravery as a way to conquer his desires. When the sharks were attacking the marlin he captured he did not felt afraid of confronting them because he would otherwise fail. Santiago showed uniqueness because not anyone would have fought against giant sharks. He knew that life was treating him unfairly, but he felt conscient that adversities are part of life. A man must be valient and not give up his dreams.

In essence, Santiago faced many obstacles and he never gave up. The story conveys that life has many complicities and they must be overcomed. In the old man and the sea, Hemingway portrays the problems that life carries. One must always know that issues are not to stop us, but they are to make us stronger.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes a basic analysis of the text, making only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements and techniques through a controlling idea. (“Fighting for what one desires is the option one must follow in order to succeed. When Santiago was in the middle of the sea trying to defeat the Marlin he thought he could not capture the fish because he was struggling a lot, however he rememberd when he bit in arm wrestling a very strong man, therefore he got courage to keep fighting for the fish.”)

Content & Development

The use of literary elements or techniques is weak, and ideas are developed briefly using little specific and accurate evidence from the text. (“Likewise, Santiago showed bravery as a way to conquer his desires. When the sharks were attacking the marlin he captured he did not felt afraid of confronting them because he would otherwise fail. Santiago showed uniqueness because not anyone would have fought against giant sharks.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates evidence of structure but with an undefined introduction and conclusion. Also, the use of transitional devices is lacking. The introduction only briefly touches on the theme of the task. (“Never giving up is the key through success. In The Old Man And The Sea, Hemingway illustrates that a man must have percistance towards his aspirations. In the story Santiago struggles to capture the Marlin, and despite he confronts many issues he never gives up. Santiago's desires to achieve his dreams demonstrated that a strong spirit is necessary to succeed. One must be patient and have endurance in order to conquer our desires.”) The conclusion makes an attempt to connect back to the introduction, but lacks detail and evidence from the text. (“In essence, Santiago faced many obstacles and he never gave up. The story conveys that life has many complicities and they must be overcomed. In the old man and the sea, Hemingway portrays the problems that life carries. One must always know that issues are not to stop us, but they are to make us stronger.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates simple language use and some awareness of audience and control of voice. However, the writer relies on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice. (“After Santiago realized he could defeat the fish he did not give up until the last moment.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

There are several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not interfere with the communication of the message. (“In The Old Man And The Sea, Hemingway illustrates that a man must have percistance towards his aspirations. When Santiago was in the middle of the sea trying to defeat the Marlin he thought he could not capture the fish because he was struggling a lot, however he rememberd when he bit in arm wrestling a very strong man, therefore he got courage to keep fighting for the fish.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Although friends come and go, some friends are hard to forget. In Jonh Steinbecks novel Of Mice and Men the theme is friendship. The two protagonist are total opposites and care for each other.

To begin with Stienbeck shows how friendship is not only embraced by people but it can be shared with other creatures. For instance when Lenny and George first move into the bunk house they meet Carlson and his dog, and tells them he has raised the dog since he was a pup. Stienbeck illustrates how much the dog means to Carlson and their history. Futhur more the other workers gave Carlson a hard time becuase his dog is too old and is worthless. Carlson loved dog and defended him until the dogs death.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text. He/she makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, or literary elements/techniques through a controlling or central idea. (“For instance when Lenny and George first move into the bunk house they meet Carlson and his dog, and tells them he has raised the dog since he was a pup. Stienbeck illustrates how much the dog means to Carlson and their history.”)

Content & Development

Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text. (“To begin with Stienbeck shows how friendship is not only embraced by people but it can be shared with other creatures.”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of a unified structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as it only consists of two paragraphs. (“Although friends come and go, some friends are hard to forget. In Jonh Steinbecks novel Of Mice and Men the theme is friendship. The two protagonist are total opposites and care for each other. To begin with Stienbeck shows how friendship is not only embraced by people but it can be shared with other creatures. For instance when Lenny and George first move into the bunk house they meet Carlson and his dog, and tells them he has raised the dog since he was a pup. Stienbeck illustrates how much the dog means to Carlson and their history. Futhur more the other workers gave Carlson a hard time becuase his dog is too old and is worthless. Carlson loved dog and defended him until the dogs death.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates poor language use with little awareness of audience. Basic errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage are also present. (“Carlson loved dog and defended him until the dogs death.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Significant errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. (“Futhur more the other workers gave Carlson a hard time becuase his dog is too old and is worthless.”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

poverty can make people make chocies that are desprate in life. The theme of the story"Thank You M'am" was lead to the expretion that poverty can lead to alot of desperate behaviers. The methods the writer uses to write to develop this short story was through "Characterization" and "Irony". Trough the use of characterization and Irony in this short story, by hughes expresses the theme that poverty can lead to desprate needs when they are needed in life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer fails to establish an analysis of the text, making no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea. (“The theme of the story"Thank You M'am" was lead to the expretion that poverty can lead to alot of desperate behaviers.”)

Content & Development

The writer fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text. (“Trough the use of characterization and Irony in this short story, by hughes expresses the theme that poverty can lead to desprate needs when they are needed in life.”)

Organization

Containing only one paragraph, the essay demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure, no introduction or conclusion, and no evidence of transitional devices. (“poverty can make people make chocies that are desprate in life. The theme of the story"Thank You M'am" was lead to the expretion that poverty can lead to alot of desperate behaviers. The methods the writer uses to write to develop this short story was through "Characterization" and "Irony". Trough the use of characterization and Irony in this short story, by hughes expresses the theme that poverty can lead to desprate needs when they are needed in life.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use, no awareness of audience, and makes major errors in sentence structure, word choice, and usage. (“poverty can make people make chocies that are desprate in life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. (“The methods the writer uses to write to develop this short story was through "Characterization" and "Irony".”)

Tragic Hero in Oedipus

In the Greek tragedy Oedipus , an admired king suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Based on the events and details in the text, does Oedipus possess the qualities of a tragic hero?

In a detailed essay, explain the ways in which Oedipus does or does not fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Creating the resume of a tragic hero is calculated. It follows a specific set of criteria that is relative across dramas that involve a character who is known to be a hero. Considered one of the most famous tales of the tragic hero, Oedipus the King details the life of Oedipus Rex, the King of Thebes. Oedipus' life is synonymous to the life of a tragic hero.

The tragic hero known as Oedipus is a character of noble stature. The people of Thebes , his people, can recognize his characteristics of strength, compassion, and familiarity at a single glance. At its inception, the play resides on the façade of the royal palace of Thebes , where spectators of all ages have come to hear the words of their magnificent leader. Oedipus persuasively reassures those around him that the dangers that face their lives will soon be diminished to nothing. He makes a promise to all Thebans, "I will dispel this stain" (Sophocles 138). His words project with fruitful confidence, cementing his power over his people, yet remaining noble and virtuous. He allows a presumably private conversation to be conducted before all, furthering the trust he holds with his people. This trust, though, is tainted by Oedipus' reluctance to hold composure when his power is questioned.

Although many of his followers believe Oedipus is sincere, his greatness lacks perfection. This clear description of a tragic flaw foreshadows Oedipus' ultimate demise. His stubborn, proud, and aggressive behavior initially surfaces itself upon the request of Tiresias. Oedipus believes he can find truth in this hunt for the murderer of king Leius with the help of Tiresias, who is considered to be the man of all truths. He begins to question Tiresias in a direct yet kind manner. Not far in the conversation, though, Oedipus begins to act defiantly. Tiresias refuses to tell Oedipus the truth, and soon after accuses Oedipus of the murder. Oedipus, of course, does not take this news positively. He abrasively criticizes Tiresias, while reassuring him that truth is all he asks for. "In truth, but not in you! You have no strength, blind in your ears, your reason, and your eyes" (Sophocles 375). Tiresias, though blind, sees the truth. Oedipus, who has sight, cannot. The irony caused by Oedipus' stubborn hubris is the first sign of the deterioration of his powerful Kingship.

As the play progresses, things begin to look bleak for Oedipus. Signs of foreshadowing plague the dialogue, which hint at a greater evil that is approaching, possibly from within the palace of Thebes itself. The truth slowly begins to wiggle its way to light when Jocasta becomes involved. Her inquiries, in fact, can be attributed to the catalyst of unveiling the truth. "Please, for the god's sake, Lord, explain to me the reason why you have conceived this wrath?" (Sophocles 702). This ultimate truth, of course, is the reality of Oedipus' wife's true identity, and of the murderer of his father, Leius. Oedipus, responsible for both of these wretched acts, is oblivious to their true meaning. His willingness to ignore the truth, though quite understandable, ultimately accumulates in a final scene of discovery. This unearthing of Oedipus' true identity is devastating, so much so that it is hard to support that he wholly deserved the punishments that ensue. Though Oedipus did in fact sleep with his mother and kill his father, he was unaware of both. It was not a pre-meditated murder, nor was it his goal to have kids with his own mother. Oedipus, determined to steer clear of the prophecy's foretelling, has done everything in his power to keep the prophecy at bay. Unfortunately, though, it is this very dodge of fate that makes the prophecy come true. The consequences of these crimes, which should not be mild by any means, leave Oedipus in agony. Soon after the truth has been revealed to all, Jocasta commits suicide, which leaves her children motherless, and Oedipus proceeds to gouge his eyes out, while he curses his life. These horrible events, which conclude the play, create such splash damage that it is hard to affiliate only Oedipus with them. In fact, there are five other people that are significantly affected by the truth. All four of Oedipus' children must deal with the death of their mother, the loss of a true father and King, and the intense scrutiny that they will have to endure for the rest of their natural lives. Jocasta can't even cope with the truth, which leads her to suicide. Oedipus himself is forever damned, knowing he has brought agony and death to all those around him. This series of unfortunate events is hardly tantamount to Oedipus' initial crimes. Although he deserved a punishment to some extent, the end result is hardly just.

The events that unfold in the life of Oedipus as king can be greatly attributed to the generalized story of the tragic hero. His personality, which is engaging and likeable, boasts a tragic flaw which ultimately leads to the hero's demise. This demise, however, can be considered too great for such a man. Regardless of opinion, though, Oedipus clearly embodies the soul of a tragic hero.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This literary analysis provides very effective focus and meaning. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text, Oedipus Rex , and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the play, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The response clearly focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Although many of his followers believe Oedipus is sincere, his greatness lacks perfection. This clear description of a tragic flaw foreshadows Oedipus' ultimate demise. His stubborn, proud, and aggressive behavior initially surfaces itself upon the request of Tiresias. Oedipus believes he can find truth in this hunt for the murderer of king Leius with the help of Tiresias, who is considered to be the man of all truths. He begins to question Tiresias in a direct yet kind manner. Not far in the conversation, though, Oedipus begins to act defiantly. Tiresias refuses to tell Oedipus the truth, and soon after accuses Oedipus of the murder. Oedipus, of course, does not take this news positively. He abrasively criticizes Tiresias, while reassuring him that truth is all he asks for. ‘In truth, but not in you! You have no strength, blind in your ears, your reason, and your eyes’ [Sophocles 375]. Tiresias, though blind, sees the truth. Oedipus, who has sight, cannot. The irony caused by Oedipus' stubborn hubris is the first sign of the deterioration of his powerful Kingship.”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea very effectively. (“ The tragic hero known as Oedipus is a character of noble stature. The people of Thebes , his people, can recognize his characteristics of strength, compassion, and familiarity at a single glance. At its inception, the play resides on the façade of the royal palace of Thebes , where spectators of all ages have come to hear the words of their magnificent leader. Oedipus persuasively reassures those around him that the dangers that face their lives will soon be diminished to nothing. He makes a promise to all Thebans, ‘I will dispel this stain’ [Sophocles 138]. His words project with fruitful confidence, cementing his power over his people, yet remaining noble and virtuous. He allows a presumably private conversation to be conducted before all, furthering the trust he holds with his people. This trust, though, is tainted by Oedipus' reluctance to hold composure when his power is questioned.”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Although many of his followers believe Oedipus is sincere, his greatness lacks perfection. This clear description of a tragic flaw foreshadows Oedipus' ultimate demise. His stubborn, proud, and aggressive behavior initially surfaces itself upon the request of Tiresias. Oedipus believes he can find truth in this hunt for the murderer of king Leius with the help of Tiresias, who is considered to be the man of all truths. He begins to question Tiresias in a direct yet kind manner. Not far in the conversation, though, Oedipus begins to act defiantly. Tiresias refuses to tell Oedipus the truth, and soon after accuses Oedipus of the murder. Oedipus, of course, does not take this news positively. He abrasively criticizes Tiresias, while reassuring him that truth is all he asks for. ‘In truth, but not in you! You have no strength, blind in your ears, your reason, and your eyes’ [Sophocles 375]. Tiresias, though blind, sees the truth. Oedipus, who has sight, cannot. The irony caused by Oedipus' stubborn hubris is the first sign of the deterioration of his powerful Kingship.”)

Content & Development

This essay is composed of very effective content and development. Ideas are developed fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from Oedipus Rex .

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the text. (“ As the play progresses, things begin to look bleak for Oedipus. Signs of foreshadowing plague the dialogue, which hint at a greater evil that is approaching, possibly from within the palace of Thebes itself. The truth slowly begins to wiggle its way to light when Jocasta becomes involved. Her inquiries, in fact, can be attributed to the catalyst of unveiling the truth. ‘Please, for the god's sake, Lord, explain to me the reason why you have conceived this wrath?’ [Sophocles 702].”)

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“The tragic hero known as Oedipus is a character of noble stature. The people of Thebes , his people, can recognize his characteristics of strength, compassion, and familiarity at a single glance. At its inception, the play resides on the façade of the royal palace of Thebes , where spectators of all ages have come to hear the words of their magnificent leader. Oedipus persuasively reassures those around him that the dangers that face their lives will soon be diminished to nothing. He makes a promise to all Thebans, ‘I will dispel this stain’ [Sophocles 138]. His words project with fruitful confidence, cementing his power over his people, yet remaining noble and virtuous. He allows a presumably private conversation to be conducted before all, furthering the trust he holds with his people. This trust, though, is tainted by Oedipus' reluctance to hold composure when his power is questioned.”)

The essay effectively incorporates quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Oedipus persuasively reassures those around him that the dangers that face their lives will soon be diminished to nothing. He makes a promise to all Thebans, ‘I will dispel this stain’ [Sophocles 138]. His words project with fruitful confidence, cementing his power over his people, yet remaining noble and virtuous. He allows a presumably private conversation to be conducted before all, furthering the trust he holds with his people. This trust, though, is tainted by Oedipus' reluctance to hold composure when his power is questioned.”)

Organization

The essay is characterized by very effective organization. It demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion, as well as the effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The essay very effectively grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ Creating the resume of a tragic hero is calculated. It follows a specific set of criteria that is relative across dramas that involve a character who is known to be a hero. Considered one of the most famous tales of the tragic hero, Oedipus the King details the life of Oedipus Rex, the King of Thebes. Oedipus' life is synonymous to the life of a tragic hero.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Although many of his followers believe Oedipus is sincere, his greatness lacks perfection. …As the play progresses, things begin to look bleak for Oedipus.”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion. (“ The events that unfold in the life of Oedipus as king can be greatly attributed to the generalized story of the tragic hero. His personality, which is engaging and likeable, boasts a tragic flaw which ultimately leads to the hero's demise. This demise, however, can be considered too great for such a man. Regardless of opinion, though, Oedipus clearly embodies the soul of a tragic hero.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits very effective use of language and style. The writing demonstrates precise language use, artful word choice, a defined voice, and a clear sense of audience. Well-structured and varied sentences are also used.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ As the play progresses, things begin to look bleak for Oedipus. Signs of foreshadowing plague the dialogue, which hint at a greater evil that is approaching, possibly from within the palace of Thebes itself. The truth slowly begins to wiggle its way to light when Jocasta becomes involved. Her inquiries, in fact, can be attributed to the catalyst of unveiling the truth.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“ The tragic hero known as Oedipus is a character of noble stature. The people of Thebes , his people, can recognize his characteristics of strength, compassion, and familiarity at a single glance. At its inception, the play resides on the façade of the royal palace of Thebes , where spectators of all ages have come to hear the words of their magnificent leader. Oedipus persuasively reassures those around him that the dangers that face their lives will soon be diminished to nothing. He makes a promise to all Thebans, ‘I will dispel this stain’ [Sophocles 138]. His words project with fruitful confidence, cementing his power over his people, yet remaining noble and virtuous. He allows a presumably private conversation to be conducted before all, furthering the trust he holds with his people. This trust, though, is tainted by Oedipus' reluctance to hold composure when his power is questioned. …Although many of his followers believe Oedipus is sincere, his greatness lacks perfection. This clear description of a tragic flaw foreshadows Oedipus' ultimate demise. His stubborn, proud, and aggressive behavior initially surfaces itself upon the request of Tiresias. Oedipus believes he can find truth in this hunt for the murderer of king Leius with the help of Tiresias, who is considered to be the man of all truths. He begins to question Tiresias in a direct yet kind manner. Not far in the conversation, though, Oedipus begins to act defiantly. Tiresias refuses to tell Oedipus the truth, and soon after accuses Oedipus of the murder. Oedipus, of course, does not take this news positively. He abrasively criticizes Tiresias, while reassuring him that truth is all he asks for. ‘In truth, but not in you! You have no strength, blind in your ears, your reason, and your eyes’ [Sophocles 375]. Tiresias, though blind, sees the truth. Oedipus, who has sight, cannot. The irony caused by Oedipus' stubborn hubris is the first sign of the deterioration of his powerful Kingship.”)

The following complex sentence is used effectively: “ Considered one of the most famous tales of the tragic hero, Oedipus the King details the life of Oedipus Rex, the King of Thebes.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates very effective control of mechanics and conventions in the essay. Few or no errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling can be detected. For example, e ach sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with a punctuation mark. (“ This series of unfortunate events is hardly tantamount to Oedipus' initial crimes. Although he deserved a punishment to some extent, the end result is hardly just.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the Greek tragedy Oedipus, Oedipus demonstrates all of the qualities of a true tragic hero. The prophecy made about Oedipus causes him to fall from a position of wealth and power. Oedipus demonstrates a tragic flaw in that he cannot see the truth in the prophecy, which causes his downfall. Like a tragic hero, Oedipus also finally accepts and comes to terms with his mistakes. Oedipus does fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero.

When Oedipus meets a man on the road, his ascension to power begins. He kills the man, saves Thebes from the Sphinx, and marries the Thebian queen, Jocasta, becoming king of Thebes . Oedipus is now in a position of power, wealth, and high rank. In the story, Oedipus was loved by all of his citizens, lived happily with Jocasta, and cared for Thebes immensely. Being the cause of the destruction of Thebes would be devastating to someone like Oedipus. He has been set up perfectly for the fall of a tragic hero. When the famines come, Oedipus' fall begins. Oedipus learns from Teiresias that he was the one who killed Laios, the former king of Thebes , and later learns that he was Laios' son and had married his mother. This plunge from high rank is exactly the kind of fall that tragic heroes are destined to experience if they are to be a tragic hero by the Aristotelian definition of the word.

In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. Oedipus, it could be said possesses two tragic flaws, that tie together to cause his downfall. The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance. In the story, his flaws can be seen working against him time and time again, as he tries to stop the prophecy from coming true, first by running away from Corinth . He does this because of his ignorance, believing that the king of Corinth is his real father. His ignorance also causes him to persist in getting information from Teiresias. He continues to dog Teiresias, riding him and not leaving him alone until the prophet finally tells him the truth. Even after hearing from Teiresias, it wasn't enough to satisfy himself, so Oedipus goes and talks to others as well, a messenger from Corinth and an old shepherd. After much persistence on the part of Oedipus, they tell him all about how Laios wanted to kill him, for he is the son of Laios, and was going to end up killing his father. Oedipus finally gets rid of his ignorance, but it is too late. Oedipus' tragic flaws, persistence and ignorance, lead to his downfall.

In the end, Oedipus does learn of his mistake, and accepts what he had done. After speaking to many different people, he understands exactly what happened, and how the prophecy was fulfilled. "At last he understood. 'All true! Now shall my light be changed to darkness. I am accursed.' He had murdered his father, he had married his father's wife, his own mother" ( Hamilton 382). Oedipus and Jocasta both could not believe what they had done. Jocasta runs off and kills herself. Oedipus ,filled with remorse, finds her dead in her chamber. Oedipus could not stand how blind he had been to the truth, so he gouged his eyes out. He accepted his mistakes, and changed his light to darkness.

Oedipus demonstrates all of the true qualities of a tragic hero. Oedipus has a position of power, and fell from it quickly. He has tragic flaws that brought about his demise. Oedipus learns from his mistakes, and accepts that he did wrong. Oedipus is a true tragic hero in every sense of the definition.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

Good focus and meaning are conveyed in this essay. The writer establishes a thorough analysis of Oedipus Rex and makes clear connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay communicates the analysis of the essay question and literary selection well. (“ In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. Oedipus, it could be said possesses two tragic flaws, that tie together to cause his downfall. The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance. In the story, his flaws can be seen working against him time and time again, as he tries to stop the prophecy from coming true, first by running away from Corinth . He does this because of his ignorance, believing that the king of Corinth is his real father.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ In the end, Oedipus does learn of his mistake, and accepts what he had done. After speaking to many different people, he understands exactly what happened, and how the prophecy was fulfilled. ‘At last he understood. 'All true! Now shall my light be changed to darkness. I am accursed.' He had murdered his father, he had married his father's wife, his own mother’ [ Hamilton 382].”)

All of the details used in the essay relate to the central or controlling idea. (“ In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. Oedipus, it could be said possesses two tragic flaws, that tie together to cause his downfall. The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance. In the story, his flaws can be seen working against him time and time again, as he tries to stop the prophecy from coming true, first by running away from Corinth . He does this because of his ignorance, believing that the king of Corinth is his real father. His ignorance also causes him to persist in getting information from Teiresias. He continues to dog Teiresias, riding him and not leaving him alone until the prophet finally tells him the truth. Even after hearing from Teiresias, it wasn't enough to satisfy himself, so Oedipus goes and talks to others as well, a messenger from Corinth and an old shepherd. After much persistence on the part of Oedipus, they tell him all about how Laios wanted to kill him, for he is the son of Laios, and was going to end up killing his father. Oedipus finally gets rid of his ignorance, but it is too late. Oedipus' tragic flaws, persistence and ignorance, lead to his downfall.”)

Content & Development

The essay is comprised of good content and development. The writer develops ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay includes specific details with clear references to the play. (“In the end, Oedipus does learn of his mistake, and accepts what he had done. After speaking to many different people, he understands exactly what happened, and how the prophecy was fulfilled. ‘At last he understood. 'All true! Now shall my light be changed to darkness. I am accursed.' He had murdered his father, he had married his father's wife, his own mother’ [ Hamilton 382]. Oedipus and Jocasta both could not believe what they had done. Jocasta runs off and kills herself. Oedipus ,filled with remorse, finds her dead in her chamber. Oedipus could not stand how blind he had been to the truth, so he gouged his eyes out. He accepted his mistakes, and changed his light to darkness.”)

The content in the body paragraphs uses a variety of details that explain each paragraph’s main idea. (“In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. Oedipus, it could be said possesses two tragic flaws, that tie together to cause his downfall. The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance. In the story, his flaws can be seen working against him time and time again, as he tries to stop the prophecy from coming true, first by running away from Corinth . He does this because of his ignorance, believing that the king of Corinth is his real father. His ignorance also causes him to persist in getting information from Teiresias. He continues to dog Teiresias, riding him and not leaving him alone until the prophet finally tells him the truth. Even after hearing from Teiresias, it wasn't enough to satisfy himself, so Oedipus goes and talks to others as well, a messenger from Corinth and an old shepherd. After much persistence on the part of Oedipus, they tell him all about how Laios wanted to kill him, for he is the son of Laios, and was going to end up killing his father. Oedipus finally gets rid of his ignorance, but it is too late. Oedipus' tragic flaws, persistence and ignorance, lead to his downfall.”)

Details explain and illustrate each main idea well. (“When Oedipus meets a man on the road, his ascension to power begins. He kills the man, saves Thebes from the Sphinx, and marries the Thebian queen, Jocasta, becoming king of Thebes . Oedipus is now in a position of power, wealth, and high rank. In the story, Oedipus was loved by all of his citizens, lived happily with Jocasta, and cared for Thebes immensely. Being the cause of the destruction of Thebes would be devastating to someone like Oedipus. He has been set up perfectly for the fall of a tragic hero. When the famines come, Oedipus' fall begins. Oedipus learns from Teiresias that he was the one who killed Laios, the former king of Thebes , and later learns that he was Laios' son and had married his mother. This plunge from high rank is exactly the kind of fall that tragic heroes are destined to experience if they are to be a tragic hero by the Aristotelian definition of the word.”)

Organization

Good organization is exhibited within this model essay. The piece demonstrates a mostly unified structure, a good introduction and conclusion, and consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes adequate background information about the topic. (“ In the Greek tragedy Oedipus, Oedipus demonstrates all of the qualities of a true tragic hero. The prophecy made about Oedipus causes him to fall from a position of wealth and power. Oedipus demonstrates a tragic flaw in that he cannot see the truth in the prophecy, which causes his downfall. Like a tragic hero, Oedipus also finally accepts and comes to terms with his mistakes. Oedipus does fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. …In the end, Oedipus does learn of his mistake, and accepts what he had done.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion. (“ Oedipus demonstrates all of the true qualities of a tragic hero. Oedipus has a position of power, and fell from it quickly. He has tragic flaws that brought about his demise. Oedipus learns from his mistakes, and accepts that he did wrong. Oedipus is a true tragic hero in every sense of the definition.”)

Language Use & Style

Good use of language and style is seen throughout the essay. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer also includes well-structured sentences with some variety.

Language and tone are consistent. (“ After much persistence on the part of Oedipus, they tell him all about how Laios wanted to kill him, for he is the son of Laios, and was going to end up killing his father. Oedipus finally gets rid of his ignorance, but it is too late. Oedipus' tragic flaws, persistence and ignorance, lead to his downfall.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of the first two body paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point of the essay. (“When Oedipus meets a man on the road, his ascension to power begins. He kills the man, saves Thebes from the Sphinx, and marries the Thebian queen, Jocasta, becoming king of Thebes . Oedipus is now in a position of power, wealth, and high rank. In the story, Oedipus was loved by all of his citizens, lived happily with Jocasta, and cared for Thebes immensely. Being the cause of the destruction of Thebes would be devastating to someone like Oedipus. He has been set up perfectly for the fall of a tragic hero. When the famines come, Oedipus' fall begins. Oedipus learns from Teiresias that he was the one who killed Laios, the former king of Thebes , and later learns that he was Laios' son and had married his mother. This plunge from high rank is exactly the kind of fall that tragic heroes are destined to experience if they are to be a tragic hero by the Aristotelian definition of the word. …In order for Oedipus to be a true tragic hero, another quality he must possess is a tragic flaw. Oedipus, it could be said possesses two tragic flaws, that tie together to cause his downfall. The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance. In the story, his flaws can be seen working against him time and time again, as he tries to stop the prophecy from coming true, first by running away from Corinth . He does this because of his ignorance, believing that the king of Corinth is his real father.”)

The following compound sentence is used effectively: “ The first flaw is Oedipus' persistence, and the second is his ignorance.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling that do not interfere with the message. For example, m ost sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark.

(“ In the end, Oedipus does learn of his mistake, and accepts what he had done. After speaking to many different people, he understands exactly what happened, and how the prophecy was fulfilled.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The blood rushing down Oedipus's eyes as he blinded himself portrays how he was blind from the fact of what he did throughout his life. In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero throughout the short story whether it is a good thing or bad. The Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero fits Oedipus in a perfect manner. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done.

Oedipus was "naturally" born a king, but his reign did not come easy. The day he was born his parents wanted him gone, fortunately a lovely young couple took him in a raised him to be a mature young gentlemen. Oedipus then moved to Thebes , and potentially married a Queen, who unbenounced to him was his mother. Oedipus gained his reign of power through his marriage. He then was named the King of Thebes, and his wife (mother) Queen of Thebes. Oedipus potentially falls from his reign of power because of his tragic flaw.

In order for Oedipus to be a tragic hero he must have a tragic flaw. One may come to a determination that Oedipus's tragic flaw is intelligence. Even though this tragic flaw represents his brilliance, but destruction as well. Through his intelligence he was able to solve the riddle of the sphinx and become king, but his overconfident self and his blindness leads him to the realization of what he had done. Although he was determined and very brilliant of many things he was "blined" of the fact of what he actually did.

Towards the end of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus comes to the realization of what he had done. He killed his father, and married his mother. "He encountered an arrogant old man who tried to run him off the road with his chariot." (Lit. Page 688) Oedipus ends up killing the man; not realizing it was his very own father, and goes off and marries his mother as stated before. He had come to the realization of what a huge mistake he had made. He then punishes himself by blinding his eyes. Oedipus realizes that he was blind from the fact of what a terrible sin he had committed during his life.

In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. According to Aristotle, a tragic should be someone "highly renowned and prosperous." Oedipus possesses the true astonishing qualities a tragic hero has. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done. Not everyone in this world can be a tragic hero, only people that truly have all of the characteristics.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay provides adequate focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text, Oedipus Rex , and makes implied connections among the task, the ideas in the play, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The thesis states the supporting idea of the essay and the point of view or argument adequately. (“In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done.”)

The essay adequately focuses on the question asked in the writing prompt. (“In order for Oedipus to be a tragic hero he must have a tragic flaw. One may come to a determination that Oedipus's tragic flaw is intelligence. Even though this tragic flaw represents his brilliance, but destruction as well. Through his intelligence he was able to solve the riddle of the sphinx and become king, but his overconfident self and his blindness leads him to the realization of what he had done. Although he was determined and very brilliant of many things he was ‘blined’ of the fact of what he actually did.”)

The essay includes details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Towards the end of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus comes to the realization of what he had done. He killed his father, and married his mother. ‘He encountered an arrogant old man who tried to run him off the road with his chariot.’ [Lit. Page 688] Oedipus ends up killing the man; not realizing it was his very own father, and goes off and marries his mother as stated before. He had come to the realization of what a huge mistake he had made. He then punishes himself by blinding his eyes. Oedipus realizes that he was blind from the fact of what a terrible sin he had committed during his life.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains adequate content and development. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from Oedipus Rex .

The essay uses details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Oedipus was ‘naturally’ born a king, but his reign did not come easy. The day he was born his parents wanted him gone, fortunately a lovely young couple took him in a raised him to be a mature young gentlemen. Oedipus then moved to Thebes , and potentially married a Queen, who unbenounced to him was his mother. Oedipus gained his reign of power through his marriage. He then was named the King of Thebes, and his wife [mother] Queen of Thebes. Oedipus potentially falls from his reign of power because of his tragic flaw.”)

The essay may include quotations (by or about the main character) from the text. (“Towards the end of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus comes to the realization of what he had done. He killed his father, and married his mother. ‘He encountered an arrogant old man who tried to run him off the road with his chariot.’ [Lit. Page 688] Oedipus ends up killing the man; not realizing it was his very own father, and goes off and marries his mother as stated before. He had come to the realization of what a huge mistake he had made. He then punishes himself by blinding his eyes. Oedipus realizes that he was blind from the fact of what a terrible sin he had committed during his life.”)

The essay uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas. (“In order for Oedipus to be a tragic hero he must have a tragic flaw. One may come to a determination that Oedipus's tragic flaw is intelligence. Even though this tragic flaw represents his brilliance, but destruction as well. Through his intelligence he was able to solve the riddle of the sphinx and become king, but his overconfident self and his blindness leads him to the realization of what he had done. Although he was determined and very brilliant of many things he was ‘blined’ of the fact of what he actually did.”)

Organization

The essay consists of adequate organization. It demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion, but there is inconsistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ The blood rushing down Oedipus's eyes as he blinded himself portrays how he was blind from the fact of what he did throughout his life. In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero throughout the short story whether it is a good thing or bad. The Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero fits Oedipus in a perfect manner. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used adequately. (“ In order for Oedipus to be a tragic hero he must have a tragic flaw. …Towards the end of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus comes to the realization of what he had done. He killed his father, and married his mother.”)

The conclusion adequately summarizes the main points of the essay. (“ In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. According to Aristotle, a tragic should be someone ‘highly renowned and prosperous.’ Oedipus possesses the true astonishing qualities a tragic hero has. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done. Not everyone in this world can be a tragic hero, only people that truly have all of the characteristics.”)

Language Use & Style

Adequate use of language and style is apparent. The writing demonstrates appropriate language and word choice, an awareness of audience, and control of voice. Correct sentence structure with some variety is also generally seen.

Sentence lengths are adequately varied. (“ In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. According to Aristotle, a tragic should be someone ‘highly renowned and prosperous.’ Oedipus possesses the true astonishing qualities a tragic hero has. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero by falling from a high position, a tragic flaw, and the realization of what he had done.”)

Word choices are sometimes poor, such as the use of “good” and “bad” in the following excerpt: “ Oedipus possesses the qualities of a tragic hero throughout the short story whether it is a good thing or bad.”

The essay contains several exact or specific words related to the research or prompt task. (“ In order for Oedipus to be a tragic hero he must have a tragic flaw. One may come to a determination that Oedipus's tragic flaw is intelligence. …In the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex, who was the king of Thebes suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay shows adequate control of mechanics and conventions. There are some errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling, but they do not significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, m any sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Oedipus then moved to Thebes , and potentially married a Queen, who unbenounced to him was his mother. Oedipus gained his reign of power through his marriage. He then was named the King of Thebes, and his wife [mother] Queen of Thebes. Oedipus potentially falls from his reign of power because of his tragic flaw.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Oedipus is an admired king who suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Different events throughout the story. Oedipus does possess the qualities of a tragic hero because he was never given a choice as to how his fate would unfold, and everything he did to try and avoid that fate was a waste because it happened anyway. Because of his struggle to try and change his fate it shows ways in which Oedipus fits the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero because everything that happens to Oedipus happens on a huge scale.

Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.

These are all the reasons as to why the main character in Oedipus relates to fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero. Oedipus is a tragic hero because even though he was told his fate and tried to change it anyway he could not succeed because fate can never be changed.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay shows evidence of a limited focus and meaning. It establishes a basic analysis of the text and makes only few or vague connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not fully respond to the question asked in the writing prompt. (“Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

The essay only includes limited details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

The essay states a limited central or controlling idea. (“Oedipus is an admired king who suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Different events throughout the story. Oedipus does possess the qualities of a tragic hero because he was never given a choice as to how his fate would unfold, and everything he did to try and avoid that fate was a waste because it happened anyway. Because of his struggle to try and change his fate it shows ways in which Oedipus fits the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero because everything that happens to Oedipus happens on a huge scale.”)

Content & Development

Content and development within this essay are rather limited. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

This essay includes limited or few details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

The writer uses a limited number of details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

The explanation and details used to explain the main ideas in the body paragraphs are limited. (“Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it. Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

Organization

Limited organization is apparent in this essay. It demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion and lacks paragraphing and some transitional devices.

The introduction attempts to include a sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ Because of his struggle to try and change his fate it shows ways in which Oedipus fits the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero because everything that happens to Oedipus happens on a huge scale.”)

There is some evidence of t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“ Throughout the story the main character, Oedipus, finds out that all of the bad things that where told would happen to him indeed do. … These are all the reasons as to why the main character in Oedipus relates to fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero.”)

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points of the essay. (“ These are all the reasons as to why the main character in Oedipus relates to fit the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero. Oedipus is a tragic hero because even though he was told his fate and tried to change it anyway he could not succeed because fate can never be changed.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is limited in the essay. The writing demonstrates simple language use, some awareness of audience and control of voice, and a reliance on simple sentences with insufficient sentence variety and word choice.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Oedipus can not stand to see anything that brings him joy anymore he eventually blinds himself by stabbing his eyes out with his mothers pin from her clothes. His reasoning behind doing this is that he can not stand to see anything that brings him any joy in life because he thinks he does not deserve anything anymore because of the horrible things he had done.”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Different events throughout the story. …During the story he marries his mother and has children with her. He also kills his own father without even knowing it.”)

There is repetition, with the conjunction “because” used twice in the following sentence: “ Because of his struggle to try and change his fate it shows ways in which Oedipus fits the Aristotelian definition of a tragic hero because everything that happens to Oedipus happens on a huge scale.”

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates limited control over the use of mechanics and conventions. Several noticeable errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling may interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence should have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Oedipus is an admired king who suffers a harsh downfall after learning the truth about his birth and his parents. Different events throughout the story. Oedipus does possess the qualities of a tragic hero because he was never given a choice as to how his fate would unfold, and everything he did to try and avoid that fate was a waste because it happened anyway.”)

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In my opinon, i do think Oedipus is a tragic hero, because he loves his people and helps with any of their problems they have. He didn't exactully know that he would be killing his real father, and marrying his real mother. He thought the people who rised him were his were his biological perants.

Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay features minimal focus and meaning. The writer establishes a confused or incomplete analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not clearly communicate the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

The essay includes few and minimal details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Content & Development

This essay consists of minimal content and development. Ideas are developed incompletely and inadequately, using minimal references to the text.

The essay uses minimal details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

There is minimal evidence that explains or supports the thesis statement. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Details are minimally used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Organization

Readers can detect minimal organization in this essay. It demonstrates little evidence of structure with a poor introduction and conclusion, as well as little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The introduction includes little background information about the topic. (“ In my opinon, i do think Oedipus is a tragic hero, because he loves his people and helps with any of their problems they have. He didn't exactully know that he would be killing his real father, and marrying his real mother. He thought the people who rised him were his were his biological perants.”)

The first sentence of the introduction does little to include a question, a quotation, or an interesting fact or statistic. (“ In my opinon, i do think Oedipus is a tragic hero, because he loves his people and helps with any of their problems they have. He didn't exactully know that he would be killing his real father, and marrying his real mother. He thought the people who rised him were his were his biological perants.”)

The essay does little to include a strong conclusion. (“ Oedipus has a moble stature because he is not afraid of a fight, and not afraid to die for his people; if they ever got in a war with other cities. He would fight to the death for them and his family. Oedipus also has a vary 'high' status position in the kingdom of Thebes , and vary well liked. Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Language Use & Style

This essay features minimal language use and style. The writing demonstrates poor language and word choice with little awareness of audience; basic errors in sentence structure and usage are also made.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Sentence lengths are short. (“ He would fight to the death for them and his family.”)

The essay uses the same word (“he”) to begin two consecutive sentences in the introductory paragraph. (“ He didn't exactully know that he would be killing his real father, and marrying his real mother. He thought the people who rised him were his were his biological perants.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The essay displays minimal control of the mechanics and conventions of formal writing. Patterns of errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling substantially interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“Oedipus is a grate tragic hero for his people they think he is their role modle for everyone so he is note likeable you can tell he is hot perfect from the mistakes that he has done but a good leader”)

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay has inadequate focus and meaning. It fails to establish an analysis of the text and makes no connections among the task, the ideas in the text, and literary elements or techniques through a controlling or central idea.

The essay inadequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

The essay includes inadequate or no details regarding specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Content & Development

The essay contains inadequate content and development. It fails to develop ideas, using no meaningful references to the text.

The essay uses inadequate or no details to describe what is important about the main characters. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Little or no evidence is used to explain the central or controlling idea of the essay. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

At least three main ideas are not included as evidence. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Organization

The organization of this essay is clearly inadequate. It demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no introduction or conclusion and no evidence of paragraphing or transitional devices.

There is no evidence of a good introduction. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion or any conclusion at all. (“Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Language Use & Style

The essay exhibits inadequate use of language and style. The writing demonstrates unclear or incoherent language use and word choice, no awareness of audience, and major errors in sentence structure and usage.

Sentence lengths are short. (“ Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Exact words are missing. (“ But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

There is repetition, such as the repeated use of the terms “uprising” and “downfall.” (“ Why Oedipus is a tragic hero, is because he has his uprising and his sown fall. His uprising in the story I would say is when he gets the riddle right from the sphinx. Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Readers will find inadequate control of mechanics and conventions in this essay. Major errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and spelling significantly interfere with the communication of the message. For example, each sentence does not have a subject and a verb (an action), begin with a capital letter, and end with a punctuation mark. (“ Then his down fall is when he kills his dad and marrys' his mom. But thers are good and bad in between the two uprising and down fall. like how the blind fore seer man tells Oedipus he is the killer of his father.”)

Transcendentalism Themes

Read the poem “My Symphony" by William Ellery Channing, the essay “The Young American" by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and view a Transcendentalism-themed comic (e.g., a Calvin and Hobbes or Peanuts comic strip). What Transcendentalist theme does each demonstrate, and how is that theme evident in the work?

After reading "My Symphony" by William Ellery Channing, “The Young American" by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and viewing a Transcendentalism-themed comic, write a multi-paragraph essay identifying the Transcendentalist theme within each (self-reliance, optimism, non-conformity, patriotism, and/or the importance of nature). Be sure to use evidence from the materials to illustrate the theme presented.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Although America went through a distinct transcendentalist period where the majority of the literature and art was based around themes of self-reliance, optimism, individualism, non-conformity, patriotism, and the importance of nature, these themes have been present in art throughout all of history. Although the themes have evolved in their manifestations in cave paintings to Renaissance sculptures to absurdist theatre, the idea that humans are strong, distinct, and connected to the world around them has been around since the beginning of time and have endured until today. This timeless quality is illustrated in the two 1800s written works, "My Symphony" and "The Young American", and the late 1900 comic "Calvin and Hobbes." Three of these themes, individualism, non-conformity, and the importance of nature, were distinctly shown in all of these works. Each piece is centralized on what the individual must do to achieve the greatest happiness. In describing the path to that happiness, the literary and comic works both show unconventional methods, often in direct opposition to what popular society considers bringing success. Finally, each include allusions or direct references to the value of nature in self-actualization. Although these themes are relevant to the American transcendentalist period, they are also evident in modern works.

Human beings have been, since the beginning of time, intensely motivated by a need to belong. People automatically form in-groups and out-groups, categorize individuals into populations, and seek the comfort and protection, both physical and emotional, of belonging to a society. The dichotomy of society is that while it seeks conformity, it simultaneously encourages individualism. During the transcendental age in America, this was especially emphasized. William Ellery Channing's poem "My Symphony" reflects this individual search for fulfillment perfectly: he describes the elements and the philosophies of his own personal symphony, seeking only what brings him peace. Ralph Waldo Emerson, perhaps the most famous and the most influential of all transcendentalist authors, demonstrates this with his powerful diction, building a need to swim against the flow of the common, referring to "the people, and the world," juxtaposing his repetition of "I." The same personal search for happiness is shown in the deceptively simple Calvin and Hobbes comic, when Hobbes declares that what he wants more than anything is a "big sunny field to be in" alone. Although Calvin disapproves of this ambition, Hobbes is content to know what bring him the greatest happiness. Collectively, we want to find what will make our life worth living - we must, however, discover that individually.

Another timeless theme perpetuated through the ages by society is conformity. Psychological studies have shown that individuals who conform to social norms are rated more attractive than those who do not. Populations look down upon and even ostracize anyone who thinks or speaks differently than the collective. We have learned to fear the unknown. For any society to be called conformist, however, there must be someone who speaks out against the status quo. In the late 1800s in America, this was people such as Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau, influential transcendentalists who advocated non-conformity. Channing's entire poem is build on the dichotomy between proper and common desires - "luxury...fashion...[riches]" - and what he believes will bring him his symphony - "elegance...refinement...[worthiness]." He speaks of allowing "the spiritual [to] grow up through the common" - allowing his personal belief system to transcend the worldly ideals. Similarly, Emerson disparages the groups that "speak a popular sense" and "recommend conventional virtues." He admits that to work against this safe and accepted value system is "damnable" but calls his listeners to action: action against conformity. In the comic strip, Calvin represents society. "A stupid field?!" he exclaims in response to Hobbes' simple wish. "Think big! Riches! Power!" But Hobbes is content without these things that our society has put so much emphasis on. All three pieces demonstrate non-conformity by reciting worldly virtues and values, and off-setting these with the author's own ideas of what brings true happiness.

The importance of nature is another central transcendentalist theme that neither started nor ended in the transcendentalist period. Although the three works speak on its value in varying degrees, each addresses its intrinsic value to our souls. In listing his plans for finding his symphony, Channing declares that he will "listen to stars, birds, babes" - the simplest and quietest of things, but perhaps the only ones with the perspective and the understanding to speak truth. Emerson reaffirms the importance of nature by discussing how it has been less than what it should be. "Out-of-doors all seems a market," Emerson states, illustrating the blatant consumerism and disregard for the well being of the environment in pursuit of economic goals that has only been magnified since his time. Nature in the comic is simpler, but equally as profound. When asked what he could wish for, if he could have any one thing, Hobbes declares that he wants nothing more than sunshine and a field. When presented with the world, Hobbes desires simply to be at one with that world. The balance between humans and nature is becoming an increasingly precarious one, and the importance of preservation and awareness has been shown in literary works for centuries.

Many of the central themes of American transcendentalism, most notably individualism, non-conformity, and the importance of nature, have been valued themes in belief systems, artistic movements, and philosophies throughout time and space. From a transcendentalist-era poem to an 1844 lecture to a 1966 comic strip, the themes are manifest in every area of these works. Living, listening, doing, honoring, enlarging, opposing, wishing, thinking: these are all calls to action. To transcendentalist America, life was all about discovery, and many used literature and art to discover the previously unknown within society, both classical and contemporary, and themselves. The authors use their figurative language, dialogue, and syntax to illustrate the importance of traditionally transcendentalist themes in finding happiness in every moment of life.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the transcendental literary selection. For example, the writer clearly describes some of the more poignant aspects of Emerson’s social commentary with clear attention to diction and details that support the focus of the nonconformist theme. (“He admits that to work against this safe and accepted value system is ‘damnable’ but calls his listeners to action: action against conformity.”)

The response clearly attends to the prompt question and draws evidence from the literary text to substantiate the focus of the analysis. Additionally, the inferences about the author’s tone and social commentary augment not only the meaning of the literary selection, but also the essay itself. (“Similarly, Emerson disparages the groups that ‘speak a popular sense’ and ‘recommend conventional virtues.’ He admits that to work against this safe and accepted value system is ‘damnable’ but calls his listeners to action: action against conformity.”)

The sophisticated language and objective tone of the thesis conveys a distinct perspective that fits the examples very effectively. (“Three of these themes, individualism, non-conformity, and the importance of nature, were distinctly shown in all of these works. Each piece is centralized on what the individual must do to achieve the greatest happiness. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that reflect on what is observed within the text and how it relates to the theme found in each of the transcendentalism works. Furthermore, the writer’s attention to some of the literary devices used within the literary selection helps the readers consider the subtleties of ideas expressed. (“In listing his plans for finding his symphony, Channing declares that he will ‘listen to stars, birds, babes’ - the simplest and quietest of things, but perhaps the only ones with the perspective and the understanding to speak truth.”)

The essay includes important details that not only paraphrase significant information about transcendental literature, but also provide a connection to the essay question. (“When presented with the world, Hobbes desires simply to be at one with that world.”)

The writer deftly uses an assortment of specific details of each piece of literature in order to build to a coherent whole. (“Channing's entire poem is build on the dichotomy between proper and common desires – ‘luxury...fashion...[riches]’ - and what he believes will bring him his symphony – ‘elegance...refinement...[worthiness].’ He speaks of allowing ‘the spiritual [to] grow up through the common’ - allowing his personal belief system to transcend the worldly ideals.”)

Organization

The writer is successful in organizing his/her ideas in a very effective way. A cohesive and unified structure is demonstrated along with an engaging introduction, a strong conclusion, and effective use of transitional devices throughout.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the creation of a distinct historical timeline that connects art and theater to the universality of humanity and the transcendentalist movement. (“Although the themes have evolved in their manifestations in cave paintings to Renaissance sculptures to absurdist theatre, the idea that humans are strong, distinct, and connected to the world around them has been around since the beginning of time and have endured until today. ”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively to clarify the connection among the information presented. (“Similarly, Emerson disparages the groups that ‘speak a popular sense’ and ‘recommend conventional virtues.’ ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective retrospective conclusion that traces the transcendental movement historically and provides the readers with an implicit call to action. (“Living, listening, doing, honoring, enlarging, opposing, wishing, thinking: these are all calls to action. To transcendentalist America, life was all about discovery, and many used literature and art to discover the previously unknown within society, both classical and contemporary, and themselves. The authors use their figurative language, dialogue, and syntax to illustrate the importance of traditionally transcendentalist themes in finding happiness in every moment of life. ”)

Language Use & Style

The use of precise language and formal style is consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant aspects of the author’s philosophy and uses lexicon-specific words (“market,” “consumerism,” “economic”), which support the analysis. (“‘Out-of-doors all seems a market,’ Emerson states, illustrating the blatant consumerism and disregard for the well-being of the environment in pursuit of economic goals that has only been magnified since his time. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed to the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the relationship between the subject matter and the readers so that by the end of the essay, they understand the significance of the transcendental theme topics. (“The balance between humans and nature is becoming an increasingly precarious one, and the importance of preservation and awareness has been shown in literary works for centuries. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. In fact, the writer demonstrates great facility in considering a word or phrase important to the overall comprehension of an idea. (“Psychological studies have shown that individuals who conform to social norms are rated more attractive than those who do not. Populations look down upon and even ostracize anyone who thinks or speaks differently than the collective. We have learned to fear the unknown.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“The balance between humans and nature is becoming an increasingly precarious one, and the importance of preservation and awareness has been shown in literary works for centuries. ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Within the texts “My Symphony” by William Ellery Channing, “The Young American” by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and a comic of Calvin and Hobbes by William Watterson, three distinct examples of transcendentalism and American romanticism can be found. Moreover, Transcendentalism is the Americanized version of Romanticism. These prominent ideas are the philosophies which reflect non-conformity, kinship with nature, and self-reliance.

With all transcendentalists/romanticists, the power of nature was always present within their minds. A writer of this era knew that the cyclical aspect of nature would, eventually, affect your life in one way or another. Thus, the natural cycle made it clear that a kinship with nature would be enormously beneficial to a person's life cycle. To set aside a moment to connect with the earth around you, you would have a resounding slap of happiness and appreciativeness to that individual's state of being. The poet reiterates the need to be present within this communion, emphasized by the word “to”: ‘to listen to stars, birds, babes, and sages with an open heart..." As he wrote his poem, “My Symphony,” William Ellery Channing stresses that one must take time away from their day to enjoy their surrounding natural resources. In another case, one must come to a point of realization that wealth can be found if they only look around the natural world. Content can be met if a person merely accepts their situation and embraces the earth. As a witty Calvin and Hobbes cartoon portrayed, Hobbes, a tiger, is asked what he would wish for if he could have anything in the world. His blunt response is "A big sunny field to be in." (Watterson). Nature has the ability to cure any emotional injury and any sadness a person may have. It is the job of that person to recognize it and embrace it.

Perhaps the utmost evidence of the transcendentalist philosophy, self-reliance, can be found in “My Symphony,” by William Ellery Channing. The entire poem consists of a sort of list to acclimate oneself to the life of a self-reliant individual. Lines such as "To live content with small means," "To seek elegance rather than luxury," and "To be worthy not respectable," evoke a deep urge to be on one’s own, to reject material things, improve the self,and to "obey your heart," as Emerson emphatically says in his essay, “The Young American.” To be self-reliant means that one has no dependency towards any higher power, only to the self.

When an average human being today thinks of the notion behind non-conformity, that person will most likely think of a simple principle: to be different beyond their circle of influence. They think of clothing, lifestyle, hair, and cosmetic values. When the great writers that lived and spurred the birth of transcendentalism thought of non-conformity, they thought of government, individualism, free thought, and expression. They thought of what was underneath the superficial layers, which mankind rests upon to stand the test of time. They sought after the deep emotions that the average person conceals below the hideous carcass that society has formed them to be. Together, these writers found a common thought; the yearning to be an individual that stands up for what they believe in. Without a doubt, a longing to disregard degrading thoughts that were whispered into one's ear since the moment they were born. Writers of this era depicted this true human being and caused a mass realization that one could be like this; they need only to let go. This is plainly put in Channing's poem, “My Symphony,” when he states that if he were "to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion," he would be more content in his life, for he would be living for himself; a true believer of non-conformity.

Throughout the three texts mentioned previously, numerous transcendentalist philosophies were portrayed. The three most prominent philosophies were non-conformity, importance of nature, and self-reliance. These texts embodied the ideas, inspirations, and views of the world through an optimistic eye. The era of transcendentalism was one of no other, and the recognition of its importance is crucial to the future of human civilization. These texts provide a great transition of how transcendentalism has evolved through the ages, and they well-support the main ideas of this great philosophy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the transcendental themes of non-conformity, kinship with nature, and self-reliance within the essay. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“These prominent ideas are the philosophies which reflect non-conformity, kinship with nature, and self-reliance. ”)

The essay includes details that not only highlight specific information relating to the essay question, it also provides extended definitions of key concepts. (“To be self-reliant means that one has no dependency towards any higher power, only to the self. ”)

Content & Development

The essay provides good content and development that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops the ideas fully and clearly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support the thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the literature, including specific information about the effect of the author’s tone on the mood of the readers. (“Perhaps the utmost evidence of the transcendentalist philosophy, self-reliance, can be found in ‘My Symphony,’ by William Ellery Channing. The entire poem consists of a sort of list to acclimate oneself to the life of a self-reliant individual. Lines such as ‘To live content with small means,’ ‘To seek elegance rather than luxury,’ and ‘To be worthy not respectable,’ evoke a deep urge to be on one’s own, to reject material things, improve the self,and to ‘obey your heart,’ as Emerson emphatically says in his essay, ‘The Young American.’”)

The essay includes specific details and paraphrasing of the text with clear references to the story. (“This is plainly put in Channing's poem, ‘My Symphony,’ when he states that if he were ‘to seek elegance rather than luxury and refinement rather than fashion,’ he would be more content in his life, for he would be living for himself; a true believer of non-conformity. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are not only connected to the main idea of the topic sentence, they also create a relationship between the authors of the text and the readers of the essay. (“When an average human being today thinks of the notion behind non-conformity, that person will most likely think of a simple principle: to be different beyond their circle of influence. They think of clothing, lifestyle, hair, and cosmetic values. When the great writers that lived and spurred the birth of transcendentalism thought of non-conformity, they thought of government, individualism, free thought, and expression.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay by linking seemingly disparate mediums to a central movement. (“Within the texts ‘My Symphony’ by William Ellery Channing, ‘The Young American’ by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and a comic of Calvin and Hobbes by William Watterson, three distinct examples of transcendentalism and American romanticism can be found. ”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well to promote a sense of flow within the essay. (“In another case, one must come to a point of realization that wealth can be found if they only look around the natural world. ”)

The essay demonstrates a reflective conclusion that broadens the readers’ thoughts as one reflects on the transcendental themes that have been developed in the essay. (“The era of transcendentalism was one of no other, and the recognition of its importance is crucial to the future of human civilization. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer uses vivid and varied diction to give the essay engaging and consistent language and tone. (“They thought of what was underneath the superficial layers, which mankind rests upon to stand the test of time. They sought after the deep emotions that the average person conceals below the hideous carcass that society has formed them to be. ”)

The writer demonstrates a strong reflective voice in the response, which shapes the overall tone of the essay. (“Thus, the natural cycle made it clear that a kinship with nature would be enormously beneficial to a person's life cycle. To set aside a moment to connect with the earth around you, you would have a resounding slap of happiness and appreciativeness to that individual's state of being. T”)

Use of coherent style and tone ensures readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“The poet reiterates the need to be present within this communion, emphasized by the word ‘to’: ‘to listen to stars, birds, babes, and sages with an open heart...’ As he wrote his poem, ‘My Symphony,’ William Ellery Channing stresses that one must take time away from their day to enjoy their surrounding natural resources. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and sentences begin with capital letters. (“With all transcendentalists/romanticists, the power of nature was always present within their minds.”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

"My Symphony," "The Young American," and the cartoon are all transcendentalist pieces. In fact, Ralph Waldo Emerson, the man who wrote "The Young American," is one of the most transcendentalist people during that time period. "My Symphony" shows the transcendentalist idea of the importance of nature. This idea is where the author emphasizes how important it is to be in touch with nature and it's belongings. The cartoon shows the idea of optimism. This type of transcendentalism is where someone is happy with what they have and appreciates the little things in life. "The Young American" is an essay that best fits the idea of patriotism. Patriotism is where the writer is saying what he wants for his nation and what he thinks will give the people a better life. All these works have numerous amounts of transcendentalist ideas.

"My Symphony" has many transcendentalist ideas. I think it very well shows non-conformity. "To live content with small means. To seek elegance rather then luxury..." This is simply saying do what makes you happiest. Life is not about fitting in and doing what the rest of society is trying to accomplish, but rather making yourself and others happy. I do disagree with living content though. I believe that you should always be just less then being content with what you have succeeded in doing. If you're just perfectly acceptable of what you have done, then you will not do any more. Also, this poem shows the importance of nature. It says that from time to time you just need to kick back and listen to chirps of the birds.

I believe "The Young American" is solely about patriotism. The way it starts, "I call upon you, young men, to obey your heart and be the nobility of this land," is calling out people to take control and be a leader of our nation. The article is telling the Young America that they need a leader just like every past generation. Except now, there is a greater task at hand and many new problems to face ourselves with. I also think "The Young American" shows optimism very well too. It is shown most thoroughly at the end when it says "Man alone can perform the impossible." That is very inspiring to the young people of America that what they accomplish truly does make a difference in the world.

The cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes is optimism. Hobbes is just lying on the grass in a field saying that there is nothing he would rather be doing then lying there. This is an obvious example of optimism. It's showing that he's happy with what he can take. Calvin is yelling at Hobbes and saying that other things such as money, power, and fame are what is most important in life. Then the optimism hits Calvin. He understands that you can be happy without all of that, and you can be happy with just a sunny field. That also shows self-reliance because it makes him realize the meaning of his own life.

These pieces of work all showed main ideas of transcendentalism. They showed mainly optimism in these three works but other ideas such as patriotism, nature, self-reliance, and non-conformity, are also represented. It is representing such an import time for literature, politics, and reasoning. There are not many transcendentalists today is our world but there are a few. I enjoy reading and interpreting transcendentalist stories and poems similar to these three.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer engages and orients the readers by setting out the literary theme within each paragraph to explicate its significance. (“I believe ‘The Young American’ is solely about patriotism.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout, as the writer describes the themes of transcendentalism found in each work. (“He understands that you can be happy without all of that, and you can be happy with just a sunny field. That also shows self-reliance because it makes him realize the meaning of his own life.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience, and there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer maintains his/her objectivity and summarizes then clarifies each example. It is a very effective way to communicate the overall message to the intended readers. (“The article is telling the Young America that they need a leader just like every past generation. Except now, there is a greater task at hand and many new problems to face ourselves with.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

In order to support his/her argument, the writer uses the complex theme topics of nonconformity, patriotism, and optimism to create a unified whole. (“The cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes is optimism.”)

The essay includes quotations from the literary selection that support each body paragraph. (“‘To live content with small means. To seek elegance rather than luxury...’”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay, such as extolling the virtues of each transcendental theme. (“This is simply saying do what makes you happiest. Life is not about fitting in and doing what the rest of society is trying to accomplish, but rather making yourself and others happy”)

Organization

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention in the introduction through the use of cataloging the works he/she will be discussing in the literary analysis. (“‘My Symphony,’ ‘The Young American,’ and the cartoon are all transcendentalist pieces. In fact, Ralph Waldo Emerson, the man who wrote ‘The Young American,’ is one of the most transcendentalist people during that time period. ”)

The writer often uses demonstrative adjectives such as “This” and “These” to begin each relatively short sentence. In order to clarify the relationships between each of these sentences, he/she should employ the use of more subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs. More t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“That is very inspiring to the young people of America that what they accomplish truly does make a difference in the world. ”)

The essay establishes an adequate conclusion that not only follows the prompt task, it also relates to what is observed over the course of the analysis. (“These pieces of work all showed main ideas of transcendentalism. They showed mainly optimism in these three works but other ideas such as patriotism, nature, self-reliance, and non-conformity, are also represented. It is representing such an import time for literature, politics, and reasoning. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied in order to keep the readers engaged in the analysis. (“Calvin is yelling at Hobbes and saying that other things such as money, power, and fame are what is most important in life. Then the optimism hits Calvin. ”)

The writer maintains adequate voice as he/she writes vacillates between subjectivity and objectivity. (“The article is telling the Young America that they need a leader just like every past generation. Except now, there is a greater task at hand and many new problems to face ourselves with. I also think ‘The Young American’ shows optimism very well too. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“Life is not about fitting in and doing what the rest of society is trying to accomplish, but rather making yourself and others happy. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

my symphony by William Ellery Channing. he explains that we don't need a lot. but we need the necessary things and the things that have a meaning to us and not material things that we want because they are "cool" like the majority of the people in our society right now.

"To live content with small means" My mom told me ones its okay to have old things, but always have them clean and presentable, and in this sentence. "to seek elegance rather than luxury" he means that it doesn't matter. if we have a lot of money.f we don't know how to use it.like the woman from 101 Dalmatians, she already had a lot of money but she wanted more and more, at the end all her efforts to get more where in vain because she lost everything and went to jail for a long time.

says "to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly" he means that we should do what is the best for us, it doesn't matter if other people notice or recognize what we do. in the long run it doesn't matter. because we did what was right and will be in a better situation than people that thought that because they had a lot of friends and girls hanging around them.life was always going to be like that all the time without any effort, we have to work for our things so we learn to appreciate them.

Within Calvin and Hobbes, we are not obligated to do what others want, and we get used by other people and we don't look for what we really want or what is best for us, this teaches Calvin and all of us a lesson, we don't need the most expensive or the coolest things to be happy, we can be happy with the things that we have in this moment, and the things that really makes us happy.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea, which is dispersed throughout the body paragraphs of the essay rather than found in a central thesis. (“…the things that have a meaning to us and not material things that we want because they are ‘cool’ like the majority of the people in our society right now… we have to work for our things so we learn to appreciate them… we are not obligated to do what others want”)

The literary analysis communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing some of the transcendental themes within the body paragraphs such as simplicity, individualism, and social reform, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“…we don't need the most expensive or the coolest things to be happy, we can be happy with the things that we have in this moment, and the things that really makes us happy.”)

The writer uses some limited details, such as quotes, that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“says ‘to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly’ he means that we should do what is the best for us, it doesn't matter if other people notice or recognize what we do.”)

Content & Development

Content and development of ideas is limited in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The writer attempts to create an understanding of the poet’s transcendental concepts by paralleling a popular film with the idea that wealth does not provide happiness. However, the comparison may or may not be appropriate to the audience's knowledge. (“like the woman from 101 Dalmatians, she already had a lot of money but she wanted more and more, at the end all her efforts to get more where in vain because she lost everything and went to jail for a long time.”)

The essay has a limited use of details to illustrate the main ideas. While the writer attempts to explain the meaning of quoted prose, he/she does not tie in the analysis of the passage back to the meaning of the text as a whole. (“life was always going to be like that all the time without any effort, we have to work for our things so we learn to appreciate them.”)

The writer’s analysis is undeveloped, stilted, and brief. The limited argument reads as more of an opinion rather than an analysis, and it does not match the audience’s knowledge level of the subject matter. (“because we did what was right and will be in a better situation than people that thought that because they had a lot of friends and girls hanging around them.life was always going to be like that all the time without any effort, we have to work for our things so we learn to appreciate them.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. The essay lacks effective paragraphing, and transitional devices are used in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention by introducing the transcendental theme of simplicity, but it does not marshal together the other collective themes and works within the opening of the analysis. (“my symphony by William Ellery Channing. he explains that we don't need a lot. but we need the necessary things and the things that have a meaning to us and not material things that we want because they are ‘cool’ like the majority of the people in our society right now.”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“in the long run it doesn't matter.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to review the transcendentalist cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes. It does not summarize the essay or give the readers something to think about as the analysis draws to a close. (“Within Calvin and Hobbes, we are not obligated to do what others want, and we get used by other people and we don't look for what we really want or what is best for us, this teaches Calvin and all of us a lesson, we don't need the most expensive or the coolest things to be happy, we can be happy with the things that we have in this moment, and the things that really makes us happy.”)

Language Use & Style

There are fragments in the essay. (“my symphony by William Ellery Channing.”)

Although the writer manages to parallel a real-life scenario by contrasting the transcendentalism theme of individual abundance with the norm of physical plenty, the writer does not maintain enough focus on the importance of the concept, and the message becomes muddled due to a lack of precise language and syntactical error. (“because we did what was right and will be in a better situation than people that thought that because they had a lot of friends and girls hanging around them.”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“he explains that we don't need a lot. but we need the necessary things and the things that have a meaning to us and not material things that we want because they are ‘cool’ like the majority of the people in our society right now. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“says ‘to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly’ he means that we should do what is the best for us, it doesn't matter if other people notice or recognize what we do”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the three atricles of which I have been instructed to read, I found three Trancendentalist themes; one for each. In the poem "My Symphony" I found the trancendentialist theme of non-conformity. In the second article, "The Young American"; the author Ralf Waldo Emerson show me a patriotic theme saying that america should lead the world. In the last article, the comic strip, i found the theme of the importance of nature and how a little can mean a lot to someone. Those are the three trancendentalist themes i have found for theese articles.

In the article "My Symphony"

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer references transcendentalism themes, but because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to follow. (“In the three atricles of which I have been instructed to read, I found three Trancendentalist themes; one for each.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to convey that the writer understands transcendentalism themes in historic and contemporary works. (“Those are the three trancendentalist themes i have found for theese articles.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“In the poem ‘My Symphony’ I found the trancendentialist theme of non-conformity. ”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include sufficient details that establish the importance of the assertion, which connects the essay question to the text. Although the writer attempts to identify the themes of transcendentalism within each teacher-provided text, he/she falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenario and its implications. (“…i found the theme of the importance of nature and how a little can mean a lot to someone.”)

The writer does not develop the topic of transcendental themes with adequate facts and concrete details. (“…the author Ralf Waldo Emerson show me a patriotic theme saying that america should lead the world.”)

Due to the brevity of this two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea of the essay. (“In the article ‘My Symphony’”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“In the three atricles of which I have been instructed to read, I found three Trancendentalist themes; one for each.”)

The essay attempts to create a supporting paragraph that identifies transcendental themes, but it is incomplete. Moreover, the transitions included between sentences are elementary. (“In the second article, ‘The Young American’; the author Ralf Waldo Emerson show me a patriotic theme saying that america should lead the world.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Those are the three trancendentalist themes i have found for theese articles.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are fragments in the essay. (“In the article ‘My Symphony’ ”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many of the sentences. (“In the second article, ‘The Young American’; the author Ralf Waldo Emerson show me a patriotic theme saying that america should lead the world. ”)

There is repetition. (“I found three Trancendentalist themes…I found the trancendentialist theme…i found the theme… ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“Those are the three trancendentalist themes i have found for theese articles.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think what William Ellery says in this article is very ture. The was he specks is very soft and gentle. And William uses very clasy words. It reminds me of the olden times like in the 1960s. Where they did not talk with all this fail languge like we do in our mordan times. the way he tells heis story is ver refreshing and nice. I thought this was a very good story. I this William Ellery would have been a very cool purson back in his time. I would have really liked to get a chance to meet him. He sounds like a very understanding man. And down to earth. So this is my thoughts on this article.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The letter is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“Where they did not talk with all this fail languge like we do in our mordan times.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“William uses very clasy words. It reminds me of the olden times like in the 1960s.”)

Content & Development

The content and development are glaringly inadequate. The essay lacks effective development of ideas, and it uses no meaningful references to the text to support the writer’s assertions of events occurring in the selection.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to identify the transcendentalist theme within "My Symphony" by William Ellery Channing, but creates commentary about how he/she feels about the author rather than an analysis of the work itself. (“He sounds like a very understanding man.”) Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way.

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“Where they did not talk with all this fail languge like we do in our mordan times. the way he tells heis story is ver refreshing and nice.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The was he specks is very soft and gentle.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory paragraph is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“I think what William Ellery says in this article is very ture. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“And William uses very clasy words. ”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay ends with a blithe comment rather than a strong conclusion. (“So this is my thoughts on this article. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are sentence fragments. (“And down to earth. ”)

The sentences are too informal and do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“I think what William Ellery says in this article is very ture ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with an appropriate punctuation mark, new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, each sentence begins with a capital letter, and the spelling of chosen words is checked. (“I this William Ellery would have been a very cool purson back in his time.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Views on Colonization of North America

Read the articles “Life and Letters of John Winthrop,” by R. C. Winthrop and “A Rationale for New World Colonization,” by Richard Hakluyt. How do the authors use figurative language to express their views as to why America should be colonized? After reading the two texts, write an essay discussing the authors' use of figurative language to encourage colonization in North America. Support your discussion with evidence from the text(s). As part of your discussion, explain the conclusions you can draw from Winthrop's and Hakluyt's language about their views on colonization.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When proving a point, illustrating logic, or justifying a position, figurative language is often used as a critical tool that not only emphasizes a point of view, but also helps the reader come to terms with the writer’s standpoint. Through the use of figurative language, John Winthrop, an English colonist, governor and minister encouraged widespread separation and colonization of the Puritan Church to modern day America.

Indeed, John Winthrop was a man of the Puritan Church, whose primary ambition was to bring the church towards new world and away from the corruption and evil that plagued England. Winthrop strongly supported the church colonizing in America, but in order for that to happen, he believed that his fellow puritans should "provide tabernacles and food for her" (Winthrop). By using personification, and comparing the church to a woman, Winthrop gives the church strong connotations of the need to be protected from weakness and to create harmony, and peace. When possessing those characteristics, the church becomes profoundly appealing. Because of that appealing appearance, the idea of saving the church through colonization becomes far more logical, and easier to accept.

As one of the Puritan Church, Winthrop had a strong belief in Gods will. He had such a strong belief that he refers to the world, and more specifically America, as "the Lords garden", and states that men must "multiply and replenish" that garden (Winthrop). Through the metaphorical comparison of the earth to "the Lords Garden", Winthrop transforms the simple task of colonizing or "replenish[ing]" America, into a commandment that is in Gods best interest. Because the task of colonizing America, according to Winthrop, is in Gods best interest, it is in the churches best interest to colonize as well.

Although religion played a key role in the life of Winthrop, he was also a strong believer in education as well. Winthrop believed that education and religion were the two most vital aspects in an individual’s life. But as for the Education and religion in England, Winthrop was convinced they were a "corrupted fountain" spewing out evil (Winthrop). By metaphorically comparing religion and education to a "fountaine", Winthrop presents these two aspects of life as having the appearance of water. Since they are representative of water, religion and education become two commodities crucial to life. Nonetheless, because the water is "corrupted", life in England cannot exist, strongly suggesting colonization is crucial for life to continue (Winthrop). After Winthrop speaks of the corruption of learning and education, he shifts his words to the subject of children in England. According to Winthrop, the children in England are all "perverted, corrupted, and utterly overthrown by the multitude of evil examples" (Winthrop). By use of this extreme hyperbole, Winthrop emphasizes that children are at a point where the corruption and willingness to admit to "evil influences" has become so extreme, they will be unable to turn back to their pure ways of life. Because children often symbolize the future, Winthrop is also implying that the future of the church will be destroyed unless the children escape from the "evil influences" by colonizing to America (Winthrop).

Through the use of figurative language towards religion, education, and government, John Winthrop manifestly demonstrates his encouragement and support for colonization in the new world.

Similar to John Winthrop, Richard Hakluyt was also an Englishman who encouraged colonization in the new world. He also possessed a talent for using figurative language as a way to animate his ideas and beliefs, so that others would accept them.

Before Hakluyt came to the New World, he had experienced first-hand what the poverty, scarcity of food, and deficiency of health had amassed to in England. According to Hakluyt's own account, the money and food had grown so scarce that "the [countryman] were ready to eat up one another" (Hakluyt). By highlighting the desperate situation with a hyperbole of cannibalism, Hakluyt introduces a sense of fear into the hearts of the people. This sense of fear is one that can lead a person to believe that they might be "eaten up" as well (Winthrop).

By illustrating the grave situation to one of such magnitude, Hakluyt encourages and almost forces the people to believe that the only way to avoid the current situation is through colonization in America. As Hakluyt describes in vivid detail the new world, one of the focal points surrounding his description is the divine foods available to England’s starving population.

As he continues on this description of plenty, he implements the use of alliteration when he mentions the "fish, fowls, and flesh" available in America (Hakluyt). Through the use of alliteration, Hakluyt manipulates the language to be much more enticing and appealing to the people reading it. The alliteration also carries a tone of a minister, which was a crucial step in encouraging the church to colonize because of their respect for Church figures of power.

Rather than use figurative language to animate aspects of government and religion, Hakluyt encourages colonization of America through figurative language by emphasizing the plentiful resources in the New World.

Through the use of their figurative language, Hakluyt and Winthrop both clearly support the idea of colonizing in America, and leaving the corruption of England.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective use of focus and meaning in the essay. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

This essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more poignant moments in the tracts of John Winthrop and Richard Hakluyt with clear and very descriptive details. (“ Through the metaphorical comparison of the earth to ‘the Lords Garden’, Winthrop transforms the simple task of colonizing or ‘replenish[ing]’ America, into a commandment that is in Gods best interest. ”)

The essay clearly focuses on the question of how the authors use figurative language to express their views on American colonization. (“Similar to John Winthrop, Richard Hakluyt was also an Englishman who encouraged colonization in the new world. He also possessed a talent for using figurative language as a way to animate his ideas and beliefs, so that others would accept them.”)

The sophisticated and clear language of the thesis logically presents readers with a reason for colonization in the New World. (“Through the use of their figurative language, Hakluyt and Winthrop both clearly support the idea of colonizing in America, and leaving the corruption of England. ”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details, which illustrate each author’s secular or spiritual desire for North American migration. (“Winthrop strongly supported the church colonizing in America, but in order for that to happen, he believed that his fellow puritans should ‘provide tabernacles and food for her’ (Winthrop).’ […] ‘By highlighting the desperate situation with a hyperbole of cannibalism, Hakluyt introduces a sense of fear into the hearts of the people.”)

This essay includes important details about the articles’ historical context, which directly connects to the essay question. (“But as for the Education and religion in England, Winthrop was convinced they were a ‘corrupted fountain’ spewing out evil (Winthrop).”)

The essay includes a variety of literary terms that support specific details, and this supports the essay question and the writer’s argument. (“According to Hakluyt's own account, the money and food had grown so scarce that ‘the [countryman] were ready to eat up one another’ (Hakluyt). By highlighting the desperate situation with a hyperbole of cannibalism, Hakluyt introduces a sense of fear into the hearts of the people.”)

Organization

The writer successfully organizes his/her ideas in a very effective way. The essay demonstrates a cohesive and unified structure, along with an engaging introduction and a strong conclusion. The effective use of transitional devices is also seen throughout the essay.

The introduction creatively grabs the readers’ attention by describing the purpose of figurative language. (“When proving a point, illustrating logic, or justifying a position, figurative language is often used as a critical tool that not only emphasizes a point of view, but also helps the reader come to terms with the writer’s standpoint. ”)

Transitions such as “nonetheless,” “although,” “according to,” “after,” and “indeed” are used very effectively between paragraphs or sentences. (“Nonetheless, because the water is ‘corrupted’, life in England cannot exist, strongly suggesting colonization is crucial for life to continue (Winthrop). ”)

The conclusion very effectively leaves the readers with a distinct impression of distaste for inhabiting England in favor of North American colonization. (“Through the use of their figurative language, Hakluyt and Winthrop both clearly support the idea of colonizing in America, and leaving the corruption of England. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer establishes and maintains a formal style and objective tone throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the pervading weaknesses in secular English society as a motive for Puritans to migrate. (“Because children often symbolize the future, Winthrop is also implying that the future of the church will be destroyed unless the children escape from the ‘evil influences’ by colonizing to America (Winthrop). ”)

The writer uses precise language to support his/her analysis of the text explicitly, as well as inferences related to each author’s implicit and explicit beliefs. The writer paints a vivid picture of each author’s reason for North American migration so that by the end of the analysis, the readers understand why colonization is not just beneficial; it is also necessary. (“As Hakluyt describes in vivid detail the new world, one of the focal points surrounding his description is the divine foods available to England’s starving population. ”)

The writer’s refined word choice and sensory details enhance the effectiveness of the overall message. (“ By highlighting the desperate situation with a hyperbole of cannibalism, Hakluyt introduces a sense of fear into the hearts of the people. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Governor John Winthrop is precise in his urgings to colonize the New World, and any God-fearing reader would not take them casually. He efficaciously communicates his worries that England's church is quickly becoming overtaken by exploitation and will affect crucial things such as economy and the next generation. Though he wrote a more list-like essay, Ambassador Richard Hakluyt effectively argues to a much larger audience seeking economic growth and stability.

John Winthrop bases his claim for American colonization on religious purposes, using rhetorical devices such as personification and alternation between pathos and logos. In his first argument, he uses logos to remind the church, to whom he is appealing, of possible expansion. Winthrop's next argument is rooted in pathos - he uses harsh diction, words such as desolation, threaten, evil, and calamity, to create a sense of urgency and fear. His third argument moves back to logos as it lists the plethora of problems created by England's overpopulation. The fourth argument hits the pathos hard as he quotes an optimistic Bible verse then asks the rhetorical question, "why should we then stand striving here for places of habitation "(1) to create a personal connection with the reader. His last two reasons end the essay with a tone of caution; Winthrop warns the reader that the tradesmen and even the 'fountaine of Learning and Religion' are corrupted and continue to corrupt their society and youth. Personification, though not heavily used in this passage, is used effectively. "This land grows weary of her inhabitants"(1), and "The church hath nowhere left to fly but into the wilderness" (1) both pieces of figurative language create vivid, albeit dreary, imagery that successfully amplify Winthrop's message that the need to move to America is necessary.

Richard Hakluyt also supports colonization of America, though he uses reasons of commerce and safety to appealing to a much broader audience of the general population, specifically tradesmen. To do so, he uses logos and descriptive diction which effectively presents the information. The logos carries the reader throughout his thought process, starting with the fact that England is overpopulated. This, he concurs, undoubtedly leads to "multitudes of loiterers and idle vagabonds" (2) which only put more pressure on the working society. He reasons that they fall to thievery and mugging, but since there are so many of them, the jails cannot hold any more. So he argues that they be sent to the New World to be made to work. Hakluyt lists the endless possibilities of jobs and products the labor could be used for: making rosin and soaps, mining gold, silver, and other metals, farming sugar cane and silk worms, and constructing towns and churches. He even reminds readers that the weak: elderly, women, cripples, and children could also do useful work. By sending them across the ocean, he argues that England will be kept a safer and more profitable motherland.

Winthrop is somewhat precise in his arguments, and a God-fearing reader would probably not take them lightly. He successfully communicates his worries that England's church is quickly becoming overtaken by corruption and how that will affect crucial things such as economy and the next generation. Though he wrote a more list-like essay, Hakluyt effectively argues to a much larger audience. His lists were not done to the point of boredom, but sparked the imagination in recognizing all the possibilities for its society. He made this argument seem like the solution to England's problems: clear the streets of petty criminals and make the country rich. Both submitted a well-argued essay from which the reader is presented a buffet of different devices that all point to the same message: colonize.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer focuses on the rhetorical strategies that each author uses to support his desire for North American colonization. The writer is effective in this approach and cleverly keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“The fourth argument hits the pathos hard as he quotes an optimistic Bible verse then asks the rhetorical question, ‘why should we then stand striving here for places of habitation’ (1) to create a personal connection with the reader. ”)

The essay includes vivid details that clarify the claims and relationships between the benefit of colonization and the need for migration. (“ He even reminds readers that the weak: elderly, women, cripples, and children could also do useful work. By sending them across the ocean, he argues that England will be kept a safer and more profitable motherland. ”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea of North American migration with details that highlight the figurative language each author uses to persuade the audience to move to the New World. (“ Personification, though not heavily used in this passage, is used effectively. ‘This land grows weary of her inhabitants’(1), and ‘The church hath nowhere left to fly but into the wilderness’ (1) both pieces of figurative language create vivid, albeit dreary, imagery that successfully amplify Winthrop's message that the need to move to America is necessary. ”)

Content & Development

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the author who supports the spiritual motivation for migration. (“He successfully communicates his worries that England's church is quickly becoming overtaken by corruption and how that will affect crucial things such as economy and the next generation.”)

The essay specifically directs the readers to the author’s use of rhetorical strategies, such as logos, and paraphrases those logical arguments made by the essayist. (“He made this argument seem like the solution to England's problems: clear the streets of petty criminals and make the country rich. ”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“So he argues that they be sent to the New World to be made to work. Hakluyt lists the endless possibilities of jobs and products the labor could be used for: making rosin and soaps, mining gold, silver, and other metals, farming sugar cane and silk worms, and constructing towns and churches.”)

Organization

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay, emphasizing the power of Winthrop’s ability to sway an audience, found through the strength of the essayist’s narrative technique. (“Governor John Winthrop is precise in his urgings to colonize the New World, and any God-fearing reader would not take them casually. ”)

Subtle transitions between sentences are used to contribute to the overall flow of the analysis. (“ To do so, he uses logos and descriptive diction which effectively presents the information. ”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“Both submitted a well-argued essay from which the reader is presented a buffet of different devices that all point to the same message: colonize. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer exhibits appropriate use of language, voice, and style in the essay. There is appropriate language and word choice with some evidence of voice and a clear sense of audience. The writer uses well-structured sentences with some variety.

The writer makes suitable word choices that provide the essay with consistent language and tone. (“ He efficaciously communicates his worries that England's church is quickly becoming overtaken by exploitation and will affect crucial things such as economy and the next generation. ”)

The writer demonstrates a clear, definitive voice in the response. (“He made this argument seem like the solution to England's problems: clear the streets of petty criminals and make the country rich.”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand the relationship between the two authors and texts, with supporting points that clarify how all of the paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ This land grows weary of her inhabitants’(1), and ‘The church hath nowhere left to fly but into the wilderness’ (1) both pieces of figurative language create vivid, albeit dreary, imagery that successfully amplify Winthrop's message that the need to move to America is necessary.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences begin with capital letters, and sentences use line breaks to separate and distinguish between paragraphs. (“ His lists were not done to the point of boredom, but sparked the imagination in recognizing all the possibilities for its society. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

America was an extremely unknown land to the Europeans in the late 15th century. Referred to as the "New World", America was full of opportunity and excitement. Along with the greatness of it came some not so great things though. The land was previously inhabited by a people not known to the world. Today they are called the Native Americans or Indians (because Columbus thought he had landed in India at the time of his arrival in the New World, when he encountered these new people). This new (and massive) discovery of land beyond what had been known to Europeans was a triumphant and awesome advancement into new colonial empires that would serve overseas to help out where they originated. However, as many as were excited about this new land, there were many more who thought this was a dangerous idea and should not be undertaken.

There are many reasons that people wanted to settle there and many reasons people wanted nothing to do with it. One argument made by John Winthrop in his article, “Reasons for Puritan Migration” was "it will be a service to the church of great consequence to carry the gospel into those parts of the world". They wanted to go global with their faith and convert as many people to their gospel. He also said "this land grows weary of her inhabitants, so as man, who is the most precious of all creatures; here is more vile and base than the earth we tread upon" meaning that the land they currently lived in was growing old and he felt that their race needed a sort of revival, and moving their place of living to America. He continues to state that "all other churches of Europe are brought to desolation and our sins, for which the lord begins already to frown upon us and cut us short, do threaten evil times to be coming upon us." He is saying that in the new world, their religion will flourish, and that if they stayed in Europe, the other religions will bring theirs down with them.

Another man, Richard Hakluyt, in his article, A Rationale for New World Colonization, said "all the commodities of all our old decayed and dangerous trades in all Europe, Africa, and Asia may in short space count for little or nothing compared with America, if by our slackness we suffer not the French or others to prevent us " He is talking about how if they were to go to America, they would secure a greater economy of trade with nations further around the world than those neighboring in Europe. He says that "all the statutes that hitherto can be devised, and the sharp execution of the same ion punishing idle and lazy persons, for want of sufficient occasion of honest employments, cannot deliver our commonwealth from multitudes of loiterers and idle vagabonds." The new world was unsettled and full of fresh starts for everyone. Where they lived, the wickedness of many outweighed the goodness of the few, and if they were to start a society in the Americas, they would have one to be entirely good, as the faith of which they believed.

In conclusion, it is easy to see that the colonization of America would be a better idea for those who were religious. It was a scapegoat for any religion to get out and start over with something better than that of Europe. The two men quoted used figurative language in a few different ways that were quite significant to their arguments. Winthrop uses personification a few times, giving character to his arguments. Hakluyt uses great word choice and excellent imagery to strengthen his testimonies. Settling in America was a great idea for those interested in refreshing their religions.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selections. The writer selects the monumental event of English migration to North America and provides adequate details so the readers can imagine the scenario in their minds. (“This new (and massive) discovery of land beyond what had been known to Europeans was a triumphant and awesome advancement into new colonial empires that would serve overseas to help out where they originated. However, as many as were excited about this new land, there were many more who thought this was a dangerous idea and should not be undertaken.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout. (“He is saying that in the new world, their religion will flourish, and that if they stayed in Europe, the other religions will bring theirs down with them.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience; there is little use of slang or contractions. The writer addresses each author’s use of figurative language in terms of migration to North America. Toward the end of the essay, he/she reiterates the significance of each author’s persuasive rhetoric. (“Winthrop uses personification a few times, giving character to his arguments. Hakluyt uses great word choice and excellent imagery to strengthen his testimonies.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that create a coherent whole. (“He also said ‘this land grows weary of her inhabitants, so as man, who is the most precious of all creatures; here is more vile and base than the earth we tread upon’ meaning that the land they currently lived in was growing old and he felt that their race needed a sort of revival, and moving their place of living to America.”)

The essay includes quotations by or about the main character from the text. (“He says that ‘all the statutes that hitherto can be devised, and the sharp execution of the same ion punishing idle and lazy persons, for want of sufficient occasion of honest employments, cannot deliver our commonwealth from multitudes of loiterers and idle vagabonds.’”)

The writer gathers and integrates adequate details that illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“The new world was unsettled and full of fresh starts for everyone. Where they lived, the wickedness of many outweighed the goodness of the few, and if they were to start a society in the Americas, they would have one to be entirely good, as the faith of which they believed.”)

Organization

The organization of content is adequate in the essay. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Throughout the essay, there is satisfactory use of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay adequately grabs the readers’ attention through a generalized statement concerning historical context. (“ America was an extremely unknown land to the Europeans in the late 15th century. Referred to as the ‘New World’, America was full of opportunity and excitement.”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ One argument made by John Winthrop in his article, ‘Reasons for Puritan Migration’ was ‘it will be a service to the church of great consequence to carry the gospel into those parts of the world’.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion that reflects on what is observed over the course of the analysis. (“ In conclusion, it is easy to see that the colonization of America would be a better idea for those who were religious. It was a scapegoat for any religion to get out and start over with something better than that of Europe. ”)

Language Use & Style

Sentence lengths are adequately varied in order to keep the readers engaged in the analysis. (“ The land was previously inhabited by a people not known to the world. […] This new (and massive) discovery of land beyond what had been known to Europeans was a triumphant and awesome advancement into new colonial empires that would serve overseas to help out where they originated.”)

The writer maintains adequate analytical voice. (“ However, as many as were excited about this new land, there were many more who thought this was a dangerous idea and should not be undertaken. ”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ He is saying that in the new world, their religion will flourish, and that if they stayed in Europe, the other religions will bring theirs down with them.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. He/she also ensures that new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks, and that the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ The new world was unsettled and full of fresh starts for everyone. Where they lived, the wickedness of many outweighed the goodness of the few, and if they were to start a society in the Americas, they would have one to be entirely good, as the faith of which they believed.”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

A small group of English settlers wanted to start their own church. They wanted a more pure church.

winthropes "The whole Earth is the Lord's garden" what he meant by this was if the Earth was garden we were the flowers because we can grow. He said "no place left to into but the wilderness" and he meant that it is turning bad quickly. "Man, who is of less price", what he means is we are worth less than animals, horses and sheep, because they are doing nothing to help the church.

they are trying to convince other people to move to America for economic reasons and not religious reasons. They wrote letters listing reasons on why living in America is a better.

hakluty sayss In America there are farming jobs, planting sugar canes, and trees for oranges, lemons, almonds and figs. Jobs in construction, building of forts, towns, and churches. Working in mines of gold, silver, copper, lead and iron in the southern parts.

With all these reasons and metaphors used, it is a more effective way of writing.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea about the need for colonization in North America. (“A small group of English settlers wanted to start their own church. They wanted a more pure church.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing a partial comparison, the writer attempts to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of detail and explanation renders the essay limited at best. (“’Man, who is of less price’, what he means is we are worth less than animals, horses and sheep, because they are doing nothing to help the church.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including a list of information that highlights resources and occupations found in North America. However, he/she does not explain the purpose of the catalog. (“hakluty sayss In America there are farming jobs, planting sugar canes, and trees for oranges, lemons, almonds and figs.”)

Content & Development

There is limited content and development of ideas in the essay. The writer develops ideas briefly and inconsistently, using little specific or accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

Although the essay includes supporting details that pertain to the author’s use of figurative language, he/she does not develop the topic or select the most relevant evidence to support the topic. (“winthropes ‘The whole Earth is the Lord's garden’ what he meant by this was if the Earth was garden we were the flowers because we can grow. He said ‘no place left to into but the wilderness’ and he meant that it is turning bad quickly. ‘Man, who is of less price’, what he means is we are worth less than animals, horses and sheep, because they are doing nothing to help the church.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. There is some evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion, but the essay lacks effective paragraphing, and transitional devices are used in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction using the historical context of the writing, yet it reads as more of a narrative rather than as an analysis. (“ A small group of English settlers wanted to start their own church. They wanted a more pure church. ”)

There is some evidence of subtle t ransitional devices to help connect ideas. (“With all these reasons and metaphors used, it is a more effective way of writing.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to recap some of the authors’ writing techniques, and it neither summarizes the writers’ views on North American colonization nor gives the readers something to think about as the analysis draws to a close. (“ With all these reasons and metaphors used, it is a more effective way of writing. ”)

Language Use & Style

There are fragments in the essay. (“ Jobs in construction, building of forts, towns, and churches. ”)

Although the writer manages to convey each author’s views on North American migration, the writer does not maintain enough focus on the differences between the authors and their writing styles in order for the readers to understand the gist of the rhetorical focus. (“ they are trying to convince other people to move to America for economic reasons and not religious reasons. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay. The writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ They wrote letters listing reasons on why living in America is a better.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. He/she should also make sure new paragraphs are indicated with the use of line breaks and that the spelling of chosen words is correct. (“ hakluty sayss In America there are farming jobs, planting sugar canes, and trees for oranges, lemons, almonds and figs. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

John Winthrop does metaphors and similes in his writing. For example one of his writings. He makes it very hard to undestand to know what you are reading and can confuse you if you read it wrong or skim through it. On the other hand Richard Hakluyt didn't use them very much. He never used them in his writings. He gave the straight facts and never did anything else.Winthrop writes with a lot of metaphors and simlies which makes it more difficult to understand everything they are talking about. He tries to make the writing funner to read. While Hakluyt gives the straight facts and gets you right to the point. They both are very talented writers but very diffierent.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea. The writer mentions that the author uses figurative language in his tract. (“John Winthrop does metaphors and similes in his writing.”) However, because of weak details and confusing chronology, the response is very difficult for the readers to understand why such a strategy is used. (“He makes it very hard to undestand to know what you are reading and can confuse you if you read it wrong or skim through it.”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas coherent and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas about the author’s view on colonization in North America. (“Winthrop writes with a lot of metaphors and simlies which makes it more difficult to understand everything they are talking about.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the resolution to the event. (“ They both are very talented writers but very diffierent.”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text for support.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about each author’s view of North American colonization. The writer attempts to address the event when he/she addresses each author’s use of figurative language, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand that the author’s rhetorical strategies are used to persuade their intended audience to migrate to North America. (“They both are very talented writers but very diffierent.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“On the other hand Richard Hakluyt didn't use them very much. He never used them in his writings. He gave the straight facts and never did anything else.”)

Due to the brevity of this essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“John Winthrop does metaphors and similes in his writing.”)

Organization

The writer provides minimal organization. There is minimal structure, along with a poor introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is little evidence of paragraphing and transitional devices.

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“John Winthrop does metaphors and similes in his writing.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that reflect the monumental event the writer is focusing on in the task response. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences. (“He never used them in his writings. He gave the straight facts and never did anything else.”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main event of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“They both are very talented writers but very diffierent.”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are fragmented portions in the essay. (“ While Hakluyt gives the straight facts and gets you right to the point.”)

Exact words are missing, and incorrect word selections are employed in many sentences. (“ He tries to make the writing funner to read.”)

There is repetition. (“ John Winthrop does metaphors and similes in his writing. …Winthrop writes with a lot of metaphors and simlies…”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

John wonthrop's aregument of that live stock is more valable the people. This argument is what scocked me that most. From what I got is that amimale would wor harder and for what just some hey to eat. People are takeing up a ton of space and eating alot of food. So if they collinise it will get rid of the space ishew with all the peaople.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is inadequate focus and meaning in the essay. The writer fails to support assertions with analysis from the text. Additionally, there are no connections among the task, the writer’s ideas, and literary elements through a controlling or central idea.

The essay does not state a central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what monumental event the writer is conveying from the text. The letter is unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“So if they collinise it will get rid of the space ishew with all the peaople.”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding the context of the statement. (“John wonthrop's aregument of that live stock is more valable the people.”)

Content & Development

The essay’s content and development are glaringly inadequate. The response lacks effective development of ideas and uses no meaningful references to the text to support the assertion of events that occur in the selection.

This essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the event of English colonization of North America but does not reveal this until the end of the response. Additionally, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“So if they collinise it will get rid of the space ishew with all the peaople.”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are inadequately used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“From what I got is that amimale would wor harder and for what just some hey to eat.”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph response, little attempt is made to develop main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“People are takeing up a ton of space and eating alot of food.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure and no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The introductory sentence is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains that the essay is about John Winthrop’s view on the colonization of North America. (“ John wonthrop's aregument of that live stock is more valable the people.”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ From what I got is that amimale would wor harder and for what just some hey to eat.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ So if they collinise it will get rid of the space ishew with all the peaople.”)

Language Use & Style

Confusing usage errors are found in the essay, such as phonetic similarities exemplified in words such as “hay” and “hey.” (“ From what I got is that amimale would wor harder and for what just some hey to eat.”)

The simple sentences do not provide sufficient context for the readers. This contributes to a confused, almost rushed response to the writing task. (“ People are takeing up a ton of space and eating alot of food.”)

The language within the sentences is too informal and does not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ This argument is what scocked me that most.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), begins with a capital letter, and ends with an appropriate punctuation mark. He/she should also indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, and check the spelling of chosen words. (“So if they collinise it will get rid of the space ishew with all the peaople.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Whitman & Hughes: “ America ” Poems

In the poems "I Hear America Singing" written by Walt Whitman and "I, Too" written by Langston Hughes, the speakers express their own perceptions of America .

Read carefully Walt Whitman's poem "I Hear America Singing" and Langston Hughes' poem "I, Too." What attitudes do the speakers express towards America ? Write an essay in which you compare and contrast the two speakers' attitudes towards America and the techniques each poet uses to create these attitudes.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Song is a metaphor of the imagination; it is poetic thought encapsulated in music. It is born of the fusion of those thoughts in spoken rhythms, framed with melodies and harmonies. The recreation of those myriad inspirations arriving from the world of the humanities acts simultaneously as a prism of creation and a door to the imagination. Our great national poet, Walt Whitman, changed the "Song of Myself," but as he well knew that Self was both singular and collective. He knew that the proof of the poet or the song makers was that his country absorbs him as affectionately as he has absorbed it. American song has been, in many ways, the mirror of our nation. Langston Hughes was a songwriter in his own right, influenced by the times and the sounds of his community. Unlike Whitman, Hughes refused to differentiate between his personal experience and the common experience of black America . He wanted to tell the stories of his people in ways that reflected their actual culture, including both their suffering and their love of music, laughter, and language itself. Both Whitman and Hughes have interpretations of America 's song, and express them in their poetry.

Walt Whitman felt that America had morally and artistically originated nothing. She ( America ) seems singularly unaware that the models of persons, books, manners, etc., appropriate for former conditions and for European lands, are but exiles and exotics here. These genteel little creatures who do not speak for the great democratic mass of Americans--the drivers, boatmen, and field-worker whom Whitman calls sublime represent America . It is from this great democratic mass, he suggests, that new forms of art and poetry will arise. His poem "I Hear America Singing" documents the songs of every American who produces things or helps the country prosper. The workers who are singing are the laborers, most likely immigrants, whose tireless hours contribute to this country's greatness. His poem is a song of praise, mirroring the appreciation the immigrant has for his or her new country. Beneath the surface, it is implied that Whitman's attitude about America is that America is truly a melting pot of different people, different backgrounds, and different skills. This diversity is a reason to sing.

Langston Hughes, in response to Whitman, crafted "I, Too, Sing America." Both men recognize the diversity among American citizens; Whitman focusing on labor and class, Hughes focusing on race and ethnicity. Written in a time where blacks and whites were segregated, "I, Too, Sing America" opens with the "darker brother" being excluded from mainstream society. Being sent to the kitchen is a metaphor, which can include the back of the bus or the lack of Civil Rights. Through exclusion, the black community will grow strong and a day will come when all the races can sit at the same table, America , and rejoice in their individual beauty and oneness.

Hughes's poem hints at violent rebellion with the line "they won't dare ask me to leave." Knowing Hughes's poetry might lead one to interpret this line as a threat. In one of his most famous poems, "Dream Deferred," Hughes announces that if the dreams of the black community keep getting deferred by the white community, riots and "explosion" will result. If a reader is familiar with this poem, it might shape his or her interpretation of "I, Too, Sing America." Without any background knowledge, a plausible analysis of "I, Too, Sing America" is that through patience and waiting, America will unite the races.

Because of the title, Hughes's poem is most likely a response to Whitman's poem. In response to Whitman, Hughes reminds the poet of a class of people not mentioned in "I Hear America Singing." Whitman's poem virtually ignores another class of people in his poem--women. Although he mentions the women, he does so praising their roles as "mother" and "wife," implying that they contribute to the greatness of America by reproducing and by supporting their men. By noticing what is missing or misrepresented, it is easier to determine each author's purpose and attitude. Whitman's emphasize is on the immigrant, the male, and the worker; Hughes's focus is on the ethnic minority.

In the end, it should be noted that both men here America "singing." This common thread hints as reconciliation and unity. This verb suggests greatness and prosperity. Singing together as one, whether it be one race, one person, or one country. Just as song is a metaphor for the imagination, these artists show that song is a metaphor for the American voice.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the insightful controlling idea provides an outline for the rest of the piece by exemplifying the author’s knowledge of how the poets’ messages are similar as well as different. (“ He knew that the proof of the poet or the song makers was that his country absorbs him as affectionately as he has absorbed it. American song has been, in many ways, the mirror of our nation. Langston Hughes was a songwriter in his own right, influenced by the times and the sounds of his community. Unlike Whitman, Hughes refused to differentiate between his personal experience and the common experience of black America . He wanted to tell the stories of his people in ways that reflected their actual culture, including both their suffering and their love of music, laughter, and language itself. Both Whitman and Hughes have interpretations of America 's song, and express them in their poetry. ”) By using a focused thesis, the author is able to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the poets’ messages. The analysis is in-depth and creates very meaningful connections between the text and the task.

Content & Development

The author’s examination of the poems is very thorough and insightful. The author uses a wide variety of textual details and examples and fully explains and interprets them through high-level connections. The author clearly explains textual references that support his/her thesis. (“ Hughes's poem hints at violent rebellion with the line "they won't dare ask me to leave." Knowing Hughes's poetry might lead one to interpret this line as a threat. In one of his most famous poems, "Dream Deferred," Hughes announces that if the dreams of the black community keep getting deferred by the white community, riots and "explosion" will result. If a reader is familiar with this poem, it might shape his or her interpretation of "I, Too, Sing America." ”) This student goes beyond superficial interpretation and treats the reader to an in-depth analysis that uses support from both poems, as well as prior knowledge of both history and poetic devices.

Organization

The essay is organized very effectively. The introduction is well-developed, and it engages the reader with a brief history lesson on the poets. The body paragraphs are detailed, discuss the two authors and their messages, and are well-supported with specific quotes from the text. Finally, an artful conclusion reiterates the author’s thesis to engage the reader one last time. (“ In the end, it should be noted that both men here America "singing." This common thread hints as reconciliation and unity. This verb suggests greatness and prosperity. Singing together as one, whether it be one race, one person, or one country. Just as song is a metaphor for the imagination, these artists show that song is a metaphor for the American voice. ”)

Language Use & Style

The writer composes this essay using very effective, stylistic language and precise, artful word choice. (“Walt Whitman felt that America had morally and artistically originated nothing. She ( America ) seems singularly unaware that the models of persons, books, manners, etc., appropriate for former conditions and for European lands, are but exiles and exotics here. These genteel little creatures who do not speak for the great democratic mass of Americans--the drivers, boatmen, and field-worker whom Whitman calls sublime represent America . It is from this great democratic mass, he suggests, that new forms of art and poetry will arise . ”) Sentences are well-structured and varied. (“ Because of the title, Hughes's poem is most likely a response to Whitman's poem. In response to Whitman, Hughes reminds the poet of a class of people not mentioned in "I Hear America Singing." Whitman's poem virtually ignores another class of people in his poem--women. Although he mentions the women, he does so praising their roles as "mother" and "wife," implying that they contribute to the greatness of America by reproducing and by supporting their men.”) This student uses effective language to demonstrate an awareness of audience and purpose.

Mechanics & Conventions

This student demonstrates effective control over the conventions of standard, written English. Few or no errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation are evident in this piece of writing.

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When people hear about America they think that the country is made of independent of every thing but is that really true? In this two poem "I Hear America Singing" by Whitman's and "I too Sing America " by the Langston Hughes. Both poet talked about America . There is a lot of message towards the Americans. Whitman's feel's that Americans are happy, they gets all the freedom that they deserve. He has the positive attitude towards the America . But Langston Hughes feels that there is a still a recesses between people. In those poem we can see there are some similarities and difference message and their techniques they use.

In this two poem there are some similarities. For example they both use repetition, imagery and characterization. Repetition for example Hughes poem he repeat of the words, "I, too, sing America ." This shows that he repeat those words to make strong effort on it. Also in Whitman's poem he use of word singing. This also illustrate that he wants to tell the American we are happy. Both poets use the imagery of words. For example, Hughes says, "I am the darker brother" from this we can predict that he is talking about African American. Also in Whitman's poem he say's, "...each one singing his as...and strong," This shows he is talking about all Americans that they are happy and strong. Both poem has character from middle class hard working.

The Whitman's and Hughes in their poem there are some contrast. Specially the messages that they wanted to send to the American. In Huges poem he feels that there is no freedom for African American although people say we are free. For example, "I am the darker brother... when company comes," This shows that he is still in under of someone and what ever they say he has to obey that, he does not have any power in the society so only option he has is to flow. In the other hand the Whitman's is saying the opposite. For examples, "...each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong," This shows all American are living cheerfully they don't have any problem. This also illustrate that each American are doing their own work without thinking any pressure. They have power in the society. They are strong enough to fix their problem.

In both poem the poet use a certain technique to shows their feeling to all the Americans. In those poem both poet used repetition, imagery and characterization. In Hughes poem, "I To, Sing America" It has a negative character who seeking for the freedom and any racism. But in the Whitman's poem, "I hear America singing" the charter in the poem is positive. He is saying that all American are happy, they working, singing without any problem. In Hughes poem he used the technique of irony, to show the value of his words. For example, he said, "They'll see how beautiful I am find be ashamed--" He is saying that one day will come when people will realize the value of them and that time they will be ashamed on them self. There are also symbol on those two poem. The symbols for the Hughes poem are races, bitterness, put down. For example, "They send me to eat in the kitchen." This shows because of his dark skin color people used whatever they wanted to do with him, and the symbols for the Whitman's poem are lib real, freedom. For example, "..each one singing... and strong." This shows that they have power to do what they wants to do.

In overall, the Whitman's and Hughes shows their view to all the Americans. There message was valuable to us. But from Hughes poem we can say one thing that he did not expect to America to be like the way. He expect that we all American be proud of whatever we have as an a individual. He expect to be treat all American as same way not just talk we are all equal but in doing it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay establishes a clear controlling idea (“ Both poet talked about America . There is a lot of message towards the Americans. Whitman's feel's that Americans are happy, they gets all the freedom that they deserve. He has the positive attitude towards the America . But Langston Hughes feels that there is a still a recesses between people. In those poem we can see there are some similarities and difference message and their techniques they use. ”) and completes a thorough analysis of the texts. In this essay, the student makes clear and important connections between the two texts and uses supportive references to the various poetic devices.

Content & Development

The author of this essay develops a thorough analysis of the poems by comparing and contrasting the poets’ messages. ( “ The Whitman's and Hughes in their poem there are some contrast. Specially the messages that they wanted to send to the American. In Huges poem he feels that there is no freedom for African American although people say we are free. For example, "I am the darker brother... when company comes," This shows that he is still in under of someone and what ever they say he has to obey that, he does not have any power in the society so only option he has is to flow. In the other hand the Whitman's is saying the opposite.”) The author cites directly from the texts to demonstrate a full understanding of the poems and makes high-level connections to poetic devices. (“In both poem the poet use a certain technique to shows their feeling to all the Americans. In those poem both poet used repetition, imagery and characterization. In Hughes poem, "I To, Sing America" It has a negative character who seeking for the freedom and any racism. But in the Whitman's poem, "I hear America singing" the charter in the poem is positive. He is saying that all American are happy, they working, singing without any problem. In Hughes poem he used the technique of irony, to show the value of his words. For example, he said, "They'll see how beautiful I am find be ashamed--" He is saying that one day will come when people will realize the value of them and that time they will be ashamed on them self.”)

Organization

T his essay displays a unified organizational structure. The introductory paragraph establishes a basis for the essay and provides a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence (“ In this two poem there are some similarities. For example they both use repetition, imagery and characterization. ”) and is focused throughout. The conclusion ends on a very significant note when the author makes an insightful connection between Hughes’ message and society. (“ In overall, the Whitman's and Hughes shows their view to all the Americans. There message was valuable to us. But from Hughes poem we can say one thing that he did not expect to America to be like the way. He expect that we all American be proud of whatever we have as an a individual. He expect to be treat all American as same way not just talk we are all equal but in doing it.”)

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates appropriate word choice and some evidence of voice. (“There are also symbol on those two poem. The symbols for the Hughes poem are races, bitterness, put down. For example, "They send me to eat in the kitchen." This shows because of his dark skin color people used whatever they wanted to do with him, and the symbols for the Whitman's poem are lib real, freedom. For example, "..each one singing... and strong." This shows that they have power to do what they wants to do.” ) The author uses varied sentence structure and is aware of his/her audience. (“ This shows that he is still in under of someone and what ever they say he has to obey that, he does not have any power in the society so only option he has is to flow. In the other hand the Whitman's is saying the opposite. For examples, "...each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong," This shows all American are living cheerfully they don't have any problem. This also illustrate that each American are doing their own work without thinking any pressure. They have power in the society. They are strong enough to fix their problem.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates limited control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. Some errors in spelling , grammar (“ In both poem the poet use a certain technique to shows their feeling to all the Americans.”) , and punctuation are noticeable but do not detract from the author’s message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

America is what its people make it to be; what everyone brings to the table and contributes to keep the boat afloat. It's a person's own unreplicable journey through this land, in his pursuit of happiness and of fortune and prosperity, regardless of race, nationality, religion, that make up the melting pot of the United States of America. In the poems of two well-renowned artists, they look at the individual's song and its place in such a nation.

Walt Whitman's "I Hear America Singing" is contrast to Langston Hughes's "I, Too, sing America" by his bringing into light the songs of many individuals while Hughs focuses on the song of one people, of one color-- the darker brother. Whitman's insight to how different people come together and contribute to society can be seen and translated to be viewed as a choir, or chorus. In a choir there are altos, sopranos, tenors, and so forth. Though they all sing in their own pitch, their own timing, maybe even their own words that are different from the rest, they are all there to make one beautiful, amazing song.

As for Langston Hughes's version, he depicts how his people too have a song though not yet recognized by some. His title even seems to be an extension to that of Whitman's, with the "I, Too,..." He proclaims how, though their song is suppressed, it will soon come out of the shadows and its beauty will shine for all to see whether they want to see it or not; "They'll see how beautiful I am..." He is confident in his prophecy through the song of his people.

In comparison, they both realize and acknowledge how the individual solely owns their own song in what they do; how no two people's songs can be alike in any way, shape, or form. And by contributing their song to society, and ultimately the world, how they are able to make a nation, make a unity that can be shared only by its members; how they are able to make the United States of America .

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay demonstrates an adequate analysis of the texts, and the author establishes a clear controlling idea. The author has an understanding of the task and develops an answer to the prompt; however, he/she fails to make high-level connections through the analysis of poetic devices. (“ America is what its people make it to be; what everyone brings to the table and contributes to keep the boat afloat. It's a person's own unreplicable journey through this land, in his pursuit of happiness and of fortune and prosperity, regardless of race, nationality, religion, that make up the melting pot of the United States of America. In the poems of two well-renowned artists, they look at the individual's song and its place in such a nation.”) This response offers a brief analysis and concludes with a connection between the texts and life.

Content & Development

The author supports his/her controlling idea with some specific, accurate textual references. The introduction clearly establishes a thesis, and the body paragraphs demonstrate the author’s understanding of the texts. However, the author does not perform a detailed analysis of the poems or fully explain how they compare and contrast. (“As for Langston Hughes's version, he depicts how his people too have a song though not yet recognized by some. His title even seems to be an extension to that of Whitman's, with the "I, Too,..." He proclaims how, though their song is suppressed, it will soon come out of the shadows and its beauty will shine for all to see whether they want to see it or not; "They'll see how beautiful I am..." He is confident in his prophecy through the song of his people.”) The author does make important connections between the text and real life, but he/she fails to elaborate on these connections. (“And by contributing their song to society, and ultimately the world, how they are able to make a nation, make a unity that can be shared only by its members; how they are able to make the United States of America .”)

Organization

Language Use & Style

The author demonstrates an adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most of the author’s word choices are appropriate and artful. (“He proclaims how, though their song is suppressed, it will soon come out of the shadows and its beauty will shine for all to see whether they want to see it or not; "They'll see how beautiful I am..." He is confident in his prophecy through the song of his people. ”) Sentences are adequately structured and varied, and the author displays a keen awareness of audience. (“ Whitman's insight to how different people come together and contribute to society can be seen and translated to be viewed as a choir, or chorus. In a choir there are altos, sopranos, tenors, and so forth. Though they all sing in their own pitch, their own timing, maybe even their own words that are different from the rest, they are all there to make one beautiful, amazing song.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author makes very few errors in punctuation , spelling (“ unreplicable”) , and grammar, and they do not interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

In "I Hear America Singing" by Walt Whitman this poem is talking about in different places and in different places you can sing. You can sing about diiferent occasions. Hes a very emotional writer he talks about how different people do certain things and they sing. He tlaks about the life of people what they do when they sing.

In the other poem "I, Too, Sing America" by Langston Hughes is also a poem about singing. He talks about hows his life is with singing. "I am the darker brother they send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes, But i laugh and eat well and grows strong" This particualr part of the poem is basically how he see's himself as a person when it comes to singing.

"The delicious singing of a mother, or of the young wife at work or the girl sewing or washing" This particular part of this poem, "I hear America singing" it kind of has more point to it. The other one has more of a first person perspection. But from these two poems they are almost related they have a point set to it.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the author fails to establish a controlling idea or an introduction. The author jumps right into the body of the essay. This response demonstrates only a basic analysis of the texts. The author attempts to make a few connections between the task and the texts (“ In "I Hear America Singing" by Walt Whitman this poem is talking about in different places and in different places you can sing. You can sing about diiferent occasions. Hes a very emotional writer he talks about how different people do certain things and they sing. He tlaks about the life of people what they do when they sing. ”), but these connections lack any focus and meaning.

Content & Development

Although the author does provide a basic analysis of the text, it is not fully developed or detailed. In the first paragraph, the author begins an analysis of Whitman’s poem without ever introducing or explaining the topic in a thesis statement. The author does briefly analyze both texts but uses no support from the poems. The analysis itself doesn’t seem plausible. (“ In the other poem "I, Too, Sing America " by Langston Hughes is also a poem about singing. He talks about hows his life is with singing. "I am the darker brother they send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes, But i laugh and eat well and grows strong" This particualr part of the poem is basically how he see's himself as a person when it comes to singing.”)

Organization

There is some evidence of organizational structure in this response. The author includes three body paragraphs, and each one describes and compares the poems. The essay fails, however, to have an introduction or conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although the use of language in this response is limited, it is not completely inappropriate. (“In "I Hear America Singing" by Walt Whitman this poem is talking about in different places and in different places you can sing. You can sing about diiferent occasions. Hes a very emotional writer he talks about how different people do certain things and they sing. He tlaks about the life of people what they do when they sing.”) The sentence structure is adequate and varied, but the essay contains minimal evidence of voice. (“ " The delicious singing of a mother, or of the young wife at work or the girl sewing or washing" This particular part of this poem, "I hear America singing" it kind of has more point to it. The other one has more of a first person perspection. But from these two poems they are almost related they have a point set to it. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates some control over the conventions and mechanics of writing. However, several errors in spelling , grammar (“ He tlaks about the life of people what they do when they sing.”) , and punctuation (“ see's”) are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

In the poems"I hear America Singing" written by Walt Whitman and "I,Too,Sing America"written by Langston Hughes.They express their own perceptions of America .

In the poem"I hear America Singing"by Walt Whitman talks about America by using everyday life things and persons.It's the same in the other poem by using singing and they are positive like it's about good things in life.Also the diffences that it's really about we do know that we live in America that we don't forget it for example " I hear America singing,the varied carols I hear".

Langston Hughes"I ,Too,Sing America"it's about how America is a free country and color people should be treated equally like everybody else.It's a true because it's not right to be treated like a dog for no reason.Hughes sayed"They'll see how beautiful I am and be ashamed"that he is good person and that they will take it back soon.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay struggles to establish a central idea ( “In the poems"I hear America Singing" written by Walt Whitman and "I,Too,Sing America"written by Langston Hughes.They express their own perceptions of America. ”), and this idea is not clearly explained or developed. This response fails to be detailed; however, the author does attempt to make a connection between the texts and task in this brief essay. This writer does not fully understand the audience and the assignment.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal and inadequate. The author briefly relays ideas related to the thesis, but he/she needs to go into further detail in order to convince the reader. (“In the poem"I hear America Singing"by Walt Whitman talks about America by using everyday life things and persons.It's the same in the other poem by using singing and they are positive like it's about good things in life.”) There are entirely too few textual examples used in this response for it to be sufficient.

Organization

There is little evidence of unified organization in this short response. The introduction (“ In the poems"I hear America Singing" written by Walt Whitman and "I,Too,Sing America"written by Langston Hughes.They express their own perceptions of America . ”) is simple and fails to engage the reader with a fully developed thesis. This essay lacks detailed body paragraphs, a conclusion, and transitional devices.

Language Use & Style

Overall, the language use in this essay seems simple and limited, but it is not wholly inappropriate for the intended audience. (“ Langston Hughes"I ,Too,Sing America"it's about how America is a free country and color people should be treated equally like everybody else.It's a true because it's not right to be treated like a dog for no reason.Hughes sayed"They'll see how beautiful I am and be ashamed"that he is good person and that they will take it back soon.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The author of this essay demonstrates minimal control over the conventions and mechanics of standard, written English. Errors in spelling (“diffences”) , grammar (“ It's a true because it's not right to be treated like a dog for no reason”) , and punctuation are noticeable and interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The poets are speaking strongly about the live in America . They are saying how they struggle their lives working and how they spend their time parting and having a good time with their friends and their family members. They say that they hear America singing the varied carols. And one is singing '' America ''. Langston Hughes is talking how he is the darker brother and how his parents send him to the kitchen to eat when company went to visit them. On both poems are talking about how they sing

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this short, almost incoherent response, the author fails to establish a controlling idea. (“The poets are speaking strongly about the live in America .”) The author has no understanding of the purpose or the audience; therefore, he/she completes no parts of the task.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this essay are minimal, inadequate, and border on being off-topic. The author fails to state a thesis or to cite any relevant details from the text. It seems as if this author is starting to introduce the concept of the poets “singing America ,” but he/she does not support or develop the concept with relevant information. (“They are saying how they struggle their lives working and how they spend their time parting and having a good time with their friends and their family members. They say that they hear America singing the varied carols.”)

Organization

In this short response, it is impossible to discern any type of structure. The essay has a basic introduction, but it does not include a thesis, body paragraphs, or conclusion.

Language Use & Style

Although this is only a basic response, the writer’s use of language is not wholly inappropriate for the task. (“They are saying how they struggle their lives working and how they spend their time parting and having a good time with their friends and their family members. They say that they hear America singing the varied carols. And one is singing '' America ''. Langston Hughes is talking how he is the darker brother and how his parents send him to the kitchen to eat when company went to visit them.”) However, the author shows no awareness of audience or voice.

Mechanics & Conventions

This minimal response shows that the author has little control over the conventions of standard, written English. This author makes major errors in spelling (“parting”), grammar (“Langston Hughes is talking how he is the darker brother”), and punctuation. These errors somewhat interfere with the meaning of the text.

Who is the Real Monster in Frankenstein ?

The story of Frankenstein traces Victor Frankenstein's discovery of the secret of life and successful attempt to animate a monster. While the creature displays remarkably human qualities throughout the novel, Victor Frankenstein himself shows some tendencies that can be described as distinctly inhumane. By the end of the novel, the reader is left wondering, who is the real monster in the book?

Write an essay in which you answer this question: "Who is the real monster in Frankenstein ?" Why do you feel this way? Support your answer with evidence from the text.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Throughout Frankenstein, flashes of monstrosity appear in many characters in many unique forms. One character may seem to be the pure demon, although at times that thought is questioned by the new, changing feelings and actions of other characters. Numerous devils appear at different points in the story with different effects. However, one great force stands out. The real monster may only be thought of as a person or a creature, but it is in fact a recurring idea. The real monster in Frankenstein is revenge.

Revenge torments and disturbs Frankenstein's creation like no other factor. From the moment he realizes how he was created and by whom, he seeks to make his creator feel his pain and sorrow which would later accumulate to become the greatest agony felt by Frankenstein. As the creature learns the lessons of human life and the ethics of culture through his nearby neighbors, the De Lacey's, he longs for the love and compassion that is exchanged by the people he observes. Seeing his one gateway for acceptance with this peace-loving family, the creature attempts to befriend them; however, he is brutally extinguished from their home and shrieked upon. From this moment, he realizes that there is no place for him in the world that he was unjustly placed in.

Consequently, the only way he could release his hatred and attempt to equalize his pain was to force his creator to bear the same feelings. Traversing to Geneva, the home city of Dr. Frankenstein, the creature seeks to express his emotions in any way he can. He encounters a young child, who unfortunately takes the blunt of the creature's attack. The monster proclaims at the time, "'Frankenstein! You belong then to my enemy--to him towards whom I have sworn eternal revenge; you shall be my first victim.'" As the story moves along, the murders that occur are not a result of the demeanor of the creature himself, but of the feeling of revenge that cannot be let go. Wanting to be a peaceful creature that loves and feels joy just as everyone else, he instead becomes a monster as a result of the feelings that were brought upon him. The "exultation and hellish triumph" that he feels are not the result of his goals from the beginning, but from the revenge that overcame him. Therefore, revenge was the source of murder, strangling and the destruction of a miniature world that is a person's life.

Initially, in the first portion of the novel, revenge mainly captivates Frankenstein's creation, but it is a feeling that spreads easily. As a result of the termination of the life of many innocent family members, Dr. Frankenstein is overwhelmed by revenge in that he cannot live a life, and he cannot die, until his task is completed. Frankenstein himself states, "Again, do I vow vengeance; again do I devote thee, miserable fiend, to torture and death. Never will I give up my search until he or I perish..." Chasing his very own creation in search of death, he almost falters in his quest through starvation or lack of water, but nature keeps him alive and prevents him from dying. After relinquishing the grasp that he had on his few loves of his life, his family, Clerval, and Elizabeth, Frankenstein can only think of revenge. He plots how to catch the creature; he follows him, trekking around the world; but all to no avail. The immeasurable pain that Frankenstein feels only spurs on the only goal that he has in life: to escape the anguish and either kill the monster that was created on his very own table, or die trying. Revenge ruined the life of one of the most brilliant men, casting him into the appearance of a beast. By saying, "Let the cursed and hellish monster drink deep of agony; let him feel the despair that now torments me," does he not seem the real monster?

In retrospect, at first, the creature was the monster, and then it was Frankenstein. It is the outward vision of who is perceived to be the monster that changes, and would continue to change. However, the one monster that is continually present is the aggressive and relentless thought that is revenge. When the creature set the De Lacey's home to flames and as his black fingerprints squeezed mechanically on the necks of those loved by Frankenstein, revenge was the instigator. The mind that left everything behind and set mindless goals of hunting down the enemy was greatly influenced and overtaken by revenge. Revenge was the real monster in this story, not Frankenstein, and especially not Frankenstein's creature.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

There is very effective focus and meaning provided for the readers. The writer establishes an in-depth analysis of the text and makes insightful connections among the task, the ideas in the story, and the perspective of the characters through a controlling or central idea.

The essay clearly communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection. The writer clearly describes some of the more startling moments in the story with clear and very descriptive details. (“ Consequently, the only way he could release his hatred and attempt to equalize his pain was to force his creator to bear the same feelings. Traversing to Geneva, the home city of Dr. Frankenstein, the creature seeks to express his emotions in any way he can. He encounters a young child, who unfortunately takes the blunt of the creature's attack. The monster proclaims at the time, 'Frankenstein! You belong then to my enemy--to him towards whom I have sworn eternal revenge; you shall be my first victim.' As the story moves along, the murders that occur are not a result of the demeanor of the creature himself, but of the feeling of revenge that cannot be let go. ”)

The essay’s response clearly focuses on the question asked in the prompt. (“When the creature set the De Lacey's home to flames and as his black fingerprints squeezed mechanically on the necks of those loved by Frankenstein, revenge was the instigator. The mind that left everything behind and set mindless goals of hunting down the enemy was greatly influenced and overtaken by revenge. Revenge was the real monster in this story, not Frankenstein, and especially not Frankenstein's creature.”)

The language of the thesis fits the examples very effectively. (“ Throughout Frankenstein, flashes of monstrosity appear in many characters in many unique forms. One character may seem to be the pure demon, although at times that thought is questioned by the new, changing feelings and actions of other characters. Numerous devils appear at different points in the story with different effects. However, one great force stands out. The real monster may only be thought of as a person or a creature, but it is in fact a recurring idea. The real monster in Frankenstein is revenge.”)

Content & Development

There is very effective content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas fully and artfully, using a wide variety of specific and accurate evidence from the text.

The writer uses a variety of specific details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“ Frankenstein himself states, ‘Again, do I vow vengeance; again do I devote thee, miserable fiend, to torture and death. Never will I give up my search until he or I perish...’ Chasing his very own creation in search of death, he almost falters in his quest through starvation or lack of water, but nature keeps him alive and prevents him from dying. ”)

This essay includes important details that highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Revenge torments and disturbs Frankenstein's creation like no other factor. From the moment he realizes how he was created and by whom, he seeks to make his creator feel his pain and sorrow which would later accumulate to become the greatest agony felt by Frankenstein. As the creature learns the lessons of human life and the ethics of culture through his nearby neighbors, the De Lacey's, he longs for the love and compassion that is exchanged by the people he observes. Seeing his one gateway for acceptance with this peace-loving family, the creature attempts to befriend them; however, he is brutally extinguished from their home and shrieked upon. From this moment, he realizes that there is no place for him in the world that he was unjustly placed in.”)

The essay includes a variety of specific details with clear references to the story. (“After relinquishing the grasp that he had on his few loves of his life, his family, Clerval, and Elizabeth, Frankenstein can only think of revenge. He plots how to catch the creature; he follows him, trekking around the world; but all to no avail. The immeasurable pain that Frankenstein feels only spurs on the only goal that he has in life: to escape the anguish and either kill the monster that was created on his very own table, or die trying. Revenge ruined the life of one of the most brilliant men, casting him into the appearance of a beast. By saying, "Let the cursed and hellish monster drink deep of agony; let him feel the despair that now torments me," does he not seem the real monster?”)

Organization

The introduction creatively captures the readers’ attention by offering a surprising assertion as to the identity of the real monster in the story. (“ Throughout Frankenstein, flashes of monstrosity appear in many characters in many unique forms. One character may seem to be the pure demon, although at times that thought is questioned by the new, changing feelings and actions of other characters. Numerous devils appear at different points in the story with different effects. However, one great force stands out. The real monster may only be thought of as a person or a creature, but it is in fact a recurring idea. The real monster in Frankenstein is revenge.”)

Transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used very effectively. (“ Initially, in the first portion of the novel, revenge mainly captivates Frankenstein's creation, but it is a feeling that spreads easily. As a result of the termination of the life of many innocent family members, Dr. Frankenstein is overwhelmed by revenge in that he cannot live a life, and he cannot die, until his task is completed. ”)

The essay demonstrates a very effective conclusion and leaves the readers with something to think about. (“ In retrospect, at first, the creature was the monster, and then it was Frankenstein. It is the outward vision of who is perceived to be the monster that changes, and would continue to change. However, the one monster that is continually present is the aggressive and relentless thought that is revenge. When the creature set the De Lacey's home to flames and as his black fingerprints squeezed mechanically on the necks of those loved by Frankenstein, revenge was the instigator. The mind that left everything behind and set mindless goals of hunting down the enemy was greatly influenced and overtaken by revenge. Revenge was the real monster in this story, not Frankenstein, and especially not Frankenstein's creature.”)

Language Use & Style

The language and tone are consistent throughout the essay. The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story and offers convincing support of how revenge emerged as the true monster in Frankenstein . (“ Revenge torments and disturbs Frankenstein's creation like no other factor. From the moment he realizes how he was created and by whom, he seeks to make his creator feel his pain and sorrow which would later accumulate to become the greatest agony felt by Frankenstein. As the creature learns the lessons of human life and the ethics of culture through his nearby neighbors, the De Lacey's, he longs for the love and compassion that is exchanged by the people he observes. Seeing his one gateway for acceptance with this peace-loving family, the creature attempts to befriend them; however, he is brutally extinguished from their home and shrieked upon. ”)

The writer’s voice is clearly directed at the intended audience. The writer paints a picture of the creature, his torment, and his inability to control his need for revenge against Victor. Additionally, the writer demonstrates how the feeling of revenge spreads to other characters so that by the end of the response, the readers understand how revenge could truly be the real monster in the story. (“ Initially, in the first portion of the novel, revenge mainly captivates Frankenstein's creation, but it is a feeling that spreads easily. As a result of the termination of the life of many innocent family members, Dr. Frankenstein is overwhelmed by revenge in that he cannot live a life, and he cannot die, until his task is completed. Frankenstein himself states, ‘Again, do I vow vengeance; again do I devote thee, miserable fiend, to torture and death. Never will I give up my search until he or I perish...’ Chasing his very own creation in search of death, he almost falters in his quest through starvation or lack of water, but nature keeps him alive and prevents him from dying. After relinquishing the grasp that he had on his few loves of his life, his family, Clerval, and Elizabeth, Frankenstein can only think of revenge. ”)

The writer’s use of sophisticated word choice and descriptive detail adds to the effectiveness of the overall message. (“As the story moves along, the murders that occur are not a result of the demeanor of the creature himself, but of the feeling of revenge that cannot be let go. Wanting to be a peaceful creature that loves and feels joy just as everyone else, he instead becomes a monster as a result of the feelings that were brought upon him. The ‘exultation and hellish triumph’ that he feels are not the result of his goals from the beginning, but from the revenge that overcame him. Therefore, revenge was the source of murder, strangling and the destruction of a miniature world that is a person's life.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

For example, each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), each sentence ends with a punctuation mark, a line break is used to separate and distinguish between paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Traversing to Geneva, the home city of Dr. Frankenstein, the creature seeks to express his emotions in any way he can. He encounters a young child, who unfortunately takes the blunt of the creature's attack. The monster proclaims at the time, ‘Frankenstein! You belong then to my enemy--to him towards whom I have sworn eternal revenge; you shall be my first victim.’ ”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

It is not easy to do the monster mash without a monster, neither is it easy to hate, neither is it easy to fear, so we must have monsters in order to keep balance in our world. The tale of Frankenstein is a lore that has captivated generations of readers and sold millions of copies. It has done so because it has given people a monster to fear and a tragic hero in the characters of the creature and Victor Frankenstein. Some would argue that these characters have been mislabeled in the aforementioned status respectively, but those readers are the ones that have yet to see past the thin veneer that a careful eye is sure to crack while reading Frankenstein.

Readers familiar with the tale of Frankenstein have doubtlessly had this very same debate with themselves and their peers over who is in fact the true monster of the story. Readers looking for the underdog win are certain to throw up their bibles and proclaim that Victor or "the creator" is in fact the villain of the yarn. After all, he was the one who created the poor abused creature, he is also the one who abandoned it and left "the created" on its own to fend for itself in the ugly bigotry of human society! He cursed his creation and damned it to a bleak and lonely existence, yes all these things are true. However, let us examine the actions of the creature.

Cold and alone, the creature made its initial way into the world in much the same way as an animal, living by impulse, driven by instinct, searches for shelter to cover it from elements. It searched for food to satisfy its hunger, and it searched for drink to slake its thirst. Also, just like a beast of the woods, once its necessary desires were filled, it began to try and seek out companionship. This is the part of the story where the bleeding heart readers soon find themselves rooting for the monster that is the creature. As it is said one night after many failing in success due to his ugly appearance, the creature finds shelter in a pig sty in a small barn. Through a small hole in the wall, the creature is able to observe the goings on of a family and soon begins to learn. It learns language and culture, and most crucial of all, it even is able to form and understand the ideas of good and evil.

It is now that we must cast the harsh and unfortunate light of blame upon the real monster of this tale and that is the creature. True, Frankenstein created this beast, and true, his irresponsibility and childish tinkering brought the creature to life, and true, he abandoned his "child" in this world forcing it to grow and mature on its own. All of these things are true and all of them carry weight for the creature however, the simple fact remains that the creature knew right from wrong. He could have taken the higher path and lived and let live, through his selfishness he brought about murder and chaos and for that reason the creature was the true villain of the tale.

This dissertation is highly arguable however look at the great people of history. Ghandi was treated badly, and oppressed, and he did not commit murder to get what he wanted. As a human being, especially as a good one, we must recognize that there is always a higher path. It is when someone lives for vengeance and actively pursues the goals of causing misery for others, that they become a true monster.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The writer chooses to focus on the creature as the real monster in the story. The writer is convincing and keeps that same focus throughout the writing. (“ It is now that we must cast the harsh and unfortunate light of blame upon the real monster of this tale and that is the creature. True, Frankenstein created this beast, and true, his irresponsibility and childish tinkering brought the creature to life, and true, he abandoned his ‘child’ in this world forcing it to grow and mature on its own. All of these things are true and all of them carry weight for the creature however, the simple fact remains that the creature knew right from wrong.”)

The essay includes details that highlight specific information about the plot, setting, character, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“ Cold and alone, the creature made its initial way into the world in much the same way as an animal, living by impulse, driven by instinct, searches for shelter to cover it from elements. It searched for food to satisfy its hunger, and it searched for drink to slake its thirst. Also, just like a beast of the woods, once its necessary desires were filled, it began to try and seek out companionship. This is the part of the story where the bleeding heart readers soon find themselves rooting for the monster that is the creature. As it is said one night after many failing in success due to his ugly appearance, the creature finds shelter in a pig sty in a small barn. Through a small hole in the wall, the creature is able to observe the goings on of a family and soon begins to learn. It learns language and culture, and most crucial of all, it even is able to form and understand the ideas of good and evil.”)

The essay is focused on the controlling idea with details about Victor, the monster, and the ongoing debate that plagues readers as they try to determine who the real monster is in Frankenstein . (“ Readers familiar with the tale of Frankenstein have doubtlessly had this very same debate with themselves and their peers over who is in fact the true monster of the story. Readers looking for the underdog win are certain to throw up their bibles and proclaim that Victor or ‘the creator’ is in fact the villain of the yarn. After all, he was the one who created the poor abused creature, he is also the one who abandoned it and left ‘the created’ on its own to fend for itself in the ugly bigotry of human society! He cursed his creation and damned it to a bleak and lonely existence, yes all these things are true. However, let us examine the actions of the creature.”)

Content & Development

Relevant content and development are provided that connect the writer’s ideas to the text. The writer develops ideas succinctly, using a variety of specific and accurate evidence from the story to support his/her thesis.

The writer uses details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“It is now that we must cast the harsh and unfortunate light of blame upon the real monster of this tale and that is the creature. True, Frankenstein created this beast, and true, his irresponsibility and childish tinkering brought the creature to life, and true, he abandoned his ‘child’ in this world forcing it to grow and mature on its own. All of these things are true and all of them carry weight for the creature however, the simple fact remains that the creature knew right from wrong. He could have taken the higher path and lived and let live, through his selfishness he brought about murder and chaos and for that reason the creature was the true villain of the tale.”)

The essay includes some specific details, but it could benefit from more support of events that occurred and actions taken by the characters in the story. Additionally, the use of some paraphrasing of dialogue (by or about the main characters) with clear references to the story would add to the richness of the response. (“Cold and alone, the creature made its initial way into the world in much the same way as an animal, living by impulse, driven by instinct, searches for shelter to cover it from elements. It searched for food to satisfy its hunger, and it searched for drink to slake its thirst. Also, just like a beast of the woods, once its necessary desires were filled, it began to try and seek out companionship. This is the part of the story where the bleeding heart readers soon find themselves rooting for the monster that is the creature. As it is said one night after many failing in success due to his ugly appearance, the creature finds shelter in a pig sty in a small barn. Through a small hole in the wall, the creature is able to observe the goings on of a family and soon begins to learn. It learns language and culture, and most crucial of all, it even is able to form and understand the ideas of good and evil.”)

The details that are included in each paragraph are connected to the main idea of the topic sentence. (“Readers looking for the underdog win are certain to throw up their bibles and proclaim that Victor or ‘the creator’ is in fact the villain of the yarn. After all, he was the one who created the poor abused creature, he is also the one who abandoned it and left ‘the created’ on its own to fend for itself in the ugly bigotry of human society! He cursed his creation and damned it to a bleak and lonely existence, yes all these things are true.”)

Organization

The writer demonstrates good organization in the essay. It presents a mostly unified structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Consistent use of paragraphing and transitional devices assists in conveying an effective message to the intended audience.

The introduction grabs the readers’ attention in the beginning of the essay. (“ It is not easy to do the monster mash without a monster, neither is it easy to hate, neither is it easy to fear, so we must have monsters in order to keep balance in our world. The tale of Frankenstein is a lore that has captivated generations of readers and sold millions of copies. It has done so because it has given people a monster to fear and a tragic hero in the characters of the creature and Victor Frankenstein. Some would argue that these characters have been mislabeled in the aforementioned status respectively, but those readers are the ones that have yet to see past the thin veneer that a careful eye is sure to crack while reading Frankenstein.”)

Subtle transitions between paragraphs or between sentences are used well. (“ It is now that we must cast the harsh and unfortunate light of blame upon the real monster of this tale and that is the creature. True, Frankenstein created this beast, and true, his irresponsibility and childish tinkering brought the creature to life, and true, he abandoned his ‘child’ in this world forcing it to grow and mature on its own. All of these things are true and all of them carry weight for the creature however, the simple fact remains that the creature knew right from wrong.”)

The essay demonstrates an effective conclusion that leaves the readers with a sense of closure. (“ This dissertation is highly arguable however look at the great people of history. Ghandi was treated badly, and oppressed, and he did not commit murder to get what he wanted. As a human being, especially as a good one, we must recognize that there is always a higher path. It is when someone lives for vengeance and actively pursues the goals of causing misery for others, that they become a true monster.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer makes good word choices that give the essay consistent language and tone. (“ The tale of Frankenstein is a lore that has captivated generations of readers and sold millions of copies. It has done so because it has given people a monster to fear and a tragic hero in the characters of the creature and Victor Frankenstein. Some would argue that these characters have been mislabeled in the aforementioned status respectively, but those readers are the ones that have yet to see past the thin veneer that a careful eye is sure to crack while reading Frankenstein.”)

The writer demonstrates strong voice in the response. (“ It is now that we must cast the harsh and unfortunate light of blame upon the real monster of this tale and that is the creature. True, Frankenstein created this beast, and true, his irresponsibility and childish tinkering brought the creature to life, and true, he abandoned his ‘child’ in this world forcing it to grow and mature on its own. All of these things are true and all of them carry weight for the creature however, the simple fact remains that the creature knew right from wrong. ”)

Coherent style and tone ensure readers thoroughly understand how the main and supporting points of all paragraphs are related and how they strengthen the controlling point/thesis statement of the essay. (“ Readers familiar with the tale of Frankenstein have doubtlessly had this very same debate with themselves and their peers over who is in fact the true monster of the story. Readers looking for the underdog win are certain to throw up their bibles and proclaim that Victor or ‘the creator’ is in fact the villain of the yarn. After all, he was the one who created the poor abused creature, he is also the one who abandoned it and left ‘the created’ on its own to fend for itself in the ugly bigotry of human society! He cursed his creation and damned it to a bleak and lonely existence, yes all these things are true. However, let us examine the actions of the creature.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer demonstrates good control of mechanics and conventions. There are very few errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, or spelling, and they do not interfere with the writer’s message.

For example, sentences have a subject and a verb (an action), sentences end with appropriate punctuation marks, sentences have a line break used to separate and distinguish between the paragraphs, and each sentence begins with a capital letter. (“ Cold and alone, the creature made its initial way into the world in much the same way as an animal, living by impulse, driven by instinct, searches for shelter to cover it from elements. It searched for food to satisfy its hunger, and it searched for drink to slake its thirst. ”)

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Who is the real monster in Frankenstein? In my opinion, Victor is the real monster. Victor's behavior throughout the book is inhumane and monstrous. What started out as Victor's ideal childhood, ended with a monstrous nightmare. I think Victor is a monster for several reasons, some of which include: abandoning the creature, isolation from society, has knowledge only God should have, and he is lonely and miserable (which drives Victor to revenge).

Victor's first act of inhuman behavior is abandoning his creation. He works so hard for nearly two years to give life to the creature. All of that hard work was ruined when Victor saw how hideous and abhorred the creature really was. I see Victor as the creature's parent. It is his responsibility to supervise and care for his "child". Instead, Victor is extremely irresponsible and he abandons his creation. Only a monster would abandon his "child".

Victor is isolated from society while he is creating the creature. He doesn't see his friends or family for nearly two years, and his relationship with them is damaged. Victor's family starts getting worried about him when they don't hear from him after a long time. Victor isn't really concerned about what people think, he just wants to finish his creation. Victor goes to Ingolstadt, Germany to study chemistry and natural philosophy. He gains the powerful knowledge of how to create life. When Victor was about 15, he saw a tree get blasted by lightning. Victor later refers to himself as a blasted tree. The lightning represents powerful knowledge and the tree represents Victor. Victor's normal life is eventually destroyed by the knowledge of how to create life. This knowledge starts turning him into a monster.

Victor was extremely miserable and lonely from losing everyone he cared about. Victor is angry with the creature for making him so miserable. Victor wants to make the creature as miserable as he is, so he goes after the creature to get revenge. What he doesn't realize is the creature is already miserable. He was just going to make it worse for the creature. Victor was so determined to get revenge, he didn't care if he died trying.

Victor didn't intend to become a monster. He started out a good man, but after being miserable, lonely, and isolated from society, he slowly changed into a horrid monster. He had the knowledge only God has, which leads to the destruction of his happy life. Victor's hateful attitude toward the creature is what eventually drove him too far. Victor died a lonely, miserable monster.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay adequately communicates the writer’s understanding of the prompt task and the literary selection. The writer selects Victor Frankenstein as the real monster in the story and provides adequate details to support his/her assertion. (“Victor's first act of inhuman behavior is abandoning his creation. He works so hard for nearly two years to give life to the creature. All of that hard work was ruined when Victor saw how hideous and abhorred the creature really was. I see Victor as the creature's parent. It is his responsibility to supervise and care for his ‘child’. Instead, Victor is extremely irresponsible and he abandons his creation. Only a monster would abandon his ‘child’.”)

The essay generally keeps the same focus throughout the writing. (“Victor didn't intend to become a monster. He started out a good man, but after being miserable, lonely, and isolated from society, he slowly changed into a horrid monster. He had the knowledge only God has, which leads to the destruction of his happy life. Victor's hateful attitude toward the creature is what eventually drove him too far. Victor died a lonely, miserable monster.”)

The writing style is adequately appropriate for the audience. (“Victor was extremely miserable and lonely from losing everyone he cared about. Victor is angry with the creature for making him so miserable. Victor wants to make the creature as miserable as he is, so he goes after the creature to get revenge. What he doesn't realize is the creature is already miserable. He was just going to make it worse for the creature. Victor was so determined to get revenge, he didn't care if he died trying.”)

Content & Development

There is adequate content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas adequately, using some specific and accurate evidence and literary elements or techniques from the text.

The essay generally uses details that relate to the theme of the story. (“Victor was extremely miserable and lonely from losing everyone he cared about. Victor is angry with the creature for making him so miserable. Victor wants to make the creature as miserable as he is, so he goes after the creature to get revenge. What he doesn't realize is the creature is already miserable. He was just going to make it worse for the creature. Victor was so determined to get revenge, he didn't care if he died trying. Victor didn't intend to become a monster. He started out a good man, but after being miserable, lonely, and isolated from society, he slowly changed into a horrid monster.”)

The essay would benefit from including quotations (by or about the main character). For example, the writer misses the opportunity to present Victor’s emotions through dialogue and simply attempts to describe them instead. (“ Victor was extremely miserable and lonely from losing everyone he cared about. Victor is angry with the creature for making him so miserable. Victor wants to make the creature as miserable as he is, so he goes after the creature to get revenge. ”)

The writer uses adequate details to illustrate the main ideas of the essay. (“Victor is isolated from society while he is creating the creature. He doesn't see his friends or family for nearly two years, and his relationship with them is damaged. Victor's family starts getting worried about him when they don't hear from him after a long time. Victor isn't really concerned about what people think, he just wants to finish his creation. Victor goes to Ingolstadt, Germany to study chemistry and natural philosophy. He gains the powerful knowledge of how to create life. When Victor was about 15, he saw a tree get blasted by lightning. Victor later refers to himself as a blasted tree. The lightning represents powerful knowledge and the tree represents Victor. Victor's normal life is eventually destroyed by the knowledge of how to create life. This knowledge starts turning him into a monster.”)

Organization

The organization of content in the essay is adequate. The writer demonstrates a generally unified structure with a noticeable introduction and conclusion. Additionally, there is sufficient use of paragraphing and subtle transitional devices throughout.

The essay’s introduction adequately draws readers into the response. (“ Who is the real monster in Frankenstein? In my opinion, Victor is the real monster. Victor's behavior throughout the book is inhumane and monstrous. What started out as Victor's ideal childhood, ended with a monstrous nightmare. I think Victor is a monster for several reasons, some of which include: abandoning the creature, isolation from society, has knowledge only God should have, and he is lonely and miserable (which drives Victor to revenge).”)

Although the writer employs subtle transitions between sentences in some of the paragraphs, more t ransitional devices are needed from the MY Access! Word Bank to adequately connect ideas. (“ Victor's first act of inhuman behavior is abandoning his creation. He works so hard for nearly two years to give life to the creature. All of that hard work was ruined when Victor saw how hideous and abhorred the creature really was. I see Victor as the creature's parent. It is his responsibility to supervise and care for his ‘child’. Instead, Victor is extremely irresponsible and he abandons his creation. Only a monster would abandon his ‘child’.”)

The essay demonstrates an adequate conclusion and gives readers a sense of closure. (“ Victor didn't intend to become a monster. He started out a good man, but after being miserable, lonely, and isolated from society, he slowly changed into a horrid monster. He had the knowledge only God has, which leads to the destruction of his happy life. Victor's hateful attitude toward the creature is what eventually drove him too far. Victor died a lonely, miserable monster.”)

Language Use & Style

Many sentences are short and could benefit from more complex structure and descriptions. (“ I see Victor as the creature's parent. It is his responsibility to supervise and care for his ‘child’. Instead, Victor is extremely irresponsible and he abandons his creation. Only a monster would abandon his ‘child’.”)

The writer maintains adequate voice throughout the essay. (“ When Victor was about 15, he saw a tree get blasted by lightning. Victor later refers to himself as a blasted tree. The lightning represents powerful knowledge and the tree represents Victor. Victor's normal life is eventually destroyed by the knowledge of how to create life. This knowledge starts turning him into a monster.”)

Word choice is adequate for the intended audience. (“ Victor was extremely miserable and lonely from losing everyone he cared about. Victor is angry with the creature for making him so miserable. Victor wants to make the creature as miserable as he is, so he goes after the creature to get revenge. What he doesn't realize is the creature is already miserable. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer adequately ensures that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), ends each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicates new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begins each sentence with a capital letter, and checks spelling of chosen words. (“Victor didn't intend to become a monster. He started out a good man, but after being miserable, lonely, and isolated from society, he slowly changed into a horrid monster. He had the knowledge only God has, which leads to the destruction of his happy life. ”)

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

When monsters are made, and they attack people. The people of the villages blame the monster for the deaths when they should've blamed victor Frankenstein. He created the monster, he designed the body type, and he couldn't control the monsters power or his thoughts. There is many pieces of evidence to tell why each is a monster, but which one is really is the monster?

Victor is the real monster. He designed the monsters body. He put the monsters brain in to make him act that way. Victor couldn't control the monster's strength or the monster's actions. Victor doesn't actually kill all the victims that the monster took, but he did create the monster that killed them people. The monster that kills the people and actually does damage could be called the real monster. He did kill people, and he also did other things to get people to be mad at him. The monster was portrayed as the real monster because of his looks and some of his actions. The monster was built to be ugly and huge.

I think Victor Frankenstein is the real monster in Frankenstein. He gave the monster the huge body that could hurt anybody. Victor gave him the brain that gave him the thoughts to act the way he did. Victor also couldn't control the monster. All sours of people heard about the monster so he wasn't a secret. Victor couldn't keep the monster locked in a room either. In the end the "monster" that is portrayed a monster is really a good guy, he was just built wrong and had the wrong brain that Victor Frankenstein gave him. Victor is the real monster for creating the monster and not being able to regulate the actions and power of the monster. People of the town just portrayed the "monster" as the real monster.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay states a limited central/controlling idea. (“The people of the villages blame the monster for the deaths when they should've blamed victor Frankenstein. He created the monster, he designed the body type, and he couldn't control the monsters power or his thoughts.”)

The essay communicates the writer’s understanding of the essay question and the literary selection in a limited way. By describing Victor’s responsibility in creating the monster, the writer is attempting to satisfy some of the criteria of the writing task. However, the lack of details renders the essay limited at best. (“Victor is the real monster. He designed the monsters body. He put the monsters brain in to make him act that way. Victor couldn't control the monster's strength or the monster's actions. Victor doesn't actually kill all the victims that the monster took, but he did create the monster that killed them people. The monster that kills the people and actually does damage could be called the real monster.”)

The writer uses some limited details that relate to the theme of the story, including specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue. (“The monster was portrayed as the real monster because of his looks and some of his actions. The monster was built to be ugly and huge. I think Victor Frankenstein is the real monster in Frankenstein. He gave the monster the huge body that could hurt anybody. Victor gave him the brain that gave him the thoughts to act the way he did. Victor also couldn't control the monster. All sours of people heard about the monster so he wasn't a secret.”)

Content & Development

The essay includes limited and often repetitive details that do not effectively highlight specific information about the plot, character, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. (“Victor doesn't actually kill all the victims that the monster took, but he did create the monster that killed them people. The monster that kills the people and actually does damage could be called the real monster. He did kill people, and he also did other things to get people to be mad at him.”)

The essay contains a limited amount of details to illustrate the main ideas. (“I think Victor Frankenstein is the real monster in Frankenstein. He gave the monster the huge body that could hurt anybody. Victor gave him the brain that gave him the thoughts to act the way he did. Victor also couldn't control the monster.”)

The essay does not include four to five supporting details to explain and illustrate main ideas. (“Victor couldn't keep the monster locked in a room either. In the end the ‘monster’ that is portrayed a monster is really a good guy, he was just built wrong and had the wrong brain that Victor Frankenstein gave him. Victor is the real monster for creating the monster and not being able to regulate the actions and power of the monster.”)

Organization

There is limited organization in the essay. The writer demonstrates evidence of structure with an uncertain introduction and conclusion. Additionally, the writer uses paragraphing and transitional devices in a very limited way.

The essay attempts to grab the readers’ attention in the introduction. (“ When monsters are made, and they attack people. The people of the villages blame the monster for the deaths when they should've blamed victor Frankenstein. He created the monster, he designed the body type, and he couldn't control the monsters power or his thoughts. There is many pieces of evidence to tell why each is a monster, but which one is really is the monster? ”)

T ransitional devices are needed to help connect ideas. (“ Victor is the real monster. He designed the monsters body. He put the monsters brain in to make him act that way. Victor couldn't control the monster's strength or the monster's actions. Victor doesn't actually kill all the victims that the monster took, but he did create the monster that killed them people. ”) Using transitional devices will help the essay move from one main idea to the next.

The conclusion only serves to reiterate the writer’s assertion of Victor as the real monster in the story. The conclusion does not summarize or give readers something to think about as the response draws to a close. (“ Victor is the real monster for creating the monster and not being able to regulate the actions and power of the monster. People of the town just portrayed the ‘monster’ as the real monster. ”)

Language Use & Style

Many of the sentences are short and begin the same way. (“ Victor is the real monster. He designed the monsters body. He put the monsters brain in to make him act that way. Victor couldn't control the monster's strength or the monster's actions. ”)

Although the writer manages to give an informative tone to describe why Victor is the real monster in the story, the writer does not maintain enough focus on supporting characters and events in the story for readers to relate to the relevant monstrosities of the chosen character. (“ I think Victor Frankenstein is the real monster in Frankenstein. He gave the monster the huge body that could hurt anybody. Victor gave him the brain that gave him the thoughts to act the way he did. Victor also couldn't control the monster. All sours of people heard about the monster so he wasn't a secret. ”)

There is weak structure of many sentences in the essay, and the writer needs to use more sophisticated word choices. (“ When monsters are made, and they attack people.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling and usage of chosen words. (“ He put the monsters brain in to make him act that way. Victor couldn't control the monster's strength or the monster's actions. Victor doesn't actually kill all the victims that the monster took, but he did create the monster that killed them people. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

Mary Sheliey's novel, Frankenstein, is about a man named Victor Frankenstein who steals body parts from the cemetery to create a creature. Victor does not name this creature because right when he sees the creature alive he runs away because he thinks he created a monster. But the real monster is victor because he thought he could create a man. But people are not supposed to be made by one person stealing other body parts to make it, people are supposed to be made by two people, a woman and a man. He is also the real monster because after the creature kills his brother and some of his Friends he doesnt tell his family that he created the monster he thinks he can play God but there should only be one that does that and thats God.

Victor creates the creature because he thinks he can play God and that is a sin so therefore he is a monster when the creature wakes up Victor says to him "Hes alive, Hes alive Im God."

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does little to state the central/controlling idea of the essay. The writer mentions Victor Frankenstein as the real monster; however, because of weak details and repetitious ideas, the response is very difficult for readers to follow. (“ Mary Sheliey's novel, Frankenstein, is about a man named Victor Frankenstein who steals body parts from the cemetery to create a creature. Victor does not name this creature because right when he sees the creature alive he runs away because he thinks he created a monster. But the real monster is victor because he thought he could create a man. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience because it does not include relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. The essay does not provide enough focus and meaning to allow readers to understand the writer’s ideas for why he/she believes Victor is the real monster in the story. (“But the real monster is victor because he thought he could create a man. But people are not supposed to be made by one person stealing other body parts to make it, people are supposed to be made by two people, a woman and a man.”)

The writer does not provide meaningful examples to support and explain the ways in which Victor reveals himself to be the true monster in Frankenstein . (“Victor creates the creature because he thinks he can play God and that is a sin so therefore he is a monster when the creature wakes up Victor says to him ‘Hes alive, Hes alive Im God.’”)

Content & Development

There is minimal content and development in the essay. The writer develops ideas incompletely and inadequately, using few details from the text to support ideas.

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, or dialogue, and ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of Victor Frankenstein as the real monster in the story, but falls short on delivering enough content to help the readers understand the scenarios and their implications. (“Victor creates the creature because he thinks he can play God and that is a sin so therefore he is a monster when the creature wakes up Victor says to him ‘Hes alive, Hes alive Im God.’”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations from the text) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ Victor does not name this creature because right when he sees the creature alive he runs away because he thinks he created a monster. But the real monster is victor because he thought he could create a man. ”)

Due to the brevity of the two-paragraph response, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“ He is also the real monster because after the creature kills his brother and some of his Friends he doesnt tell his family that he created the monster he thinks he can play God but there should only be one that does that and thats God. ”)

Organization

The essay demonstrates little evidence of an effective introduction. (“Mary Sheliey's novel, Frankenstein, is about a man named Victor Frankenstein who steals body parts from the cemetery to create a creature. Victor does not name this creature because right when he sees the creature alive he runs away because he thinks he created a monster.”)

The essay does not create supporting paragraphs that could sustain the notion that Victor Frankenstein is the real monster in the story. Also, transitions are not included between paragraphs or between sentences to assist with flow and sequence. (“ He is also the real monster because after the creature kills his brother and some of his Friends he doesnt tell his family that he created the monster he thinks he can play God but there should only be one that does that and thats God. ”)

The essay does not include a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay, and it does not leave readers with something to think about. (“Victor creates the creature because he thinks he can play God and that is a sin so therefore he is a monster when the creature wakes up Victor says to him ‘Hes alive, Hes alive Im God.’”)

Language Use & Style

The use of language and style is minimal in the essay. The writer demonstrates poor language and word choice, little awareness of audience, and commits basic errors in sentence structure and usage.

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Victor creates the creature because he thinks he can play God and that is a sin so therefore he is a monster when the creature wakes up Victor says to him ‘Hes alive, Hes alive Im God.’”)

The writer does not provide strong voice or style in the essay. (“ But the real monster is victor because he thought he could create a man. But people are not supposed to be made by one person stealing other body parts to make it, people are supposed to be made by two people, a woman and a man. ”)

There is repetition. (“ Mary Sheliey's novel, Frankenstein, is about a man named Victor Frankenstein who steals body parts from the cemetery to create a creature. Victor does not name this creature because right when he sees the creature alive he runs away because he thinks he created a monster. ”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“He is also the real monster because after the creature kills his brother and some of his Friends he doesnt tell his family that he created the monster he thinks he can play God but there should only be one that does that and thats God.”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

The essay does not state a clear central/controlling idea. It is difficult to determine what message the writer is conveying from the text. The response is repetitive, unfocused, and ideas are unorganized. (“ The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. ”)

The essay reveals inadequate details regarding plot, characters, setting, or dialogue. (“ Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf. ”)

The essay does not illustrate an understanding of audience by including relevant details to make the ideas clear and convincing. (“ Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. ”)

Content & Development

The essay fails to include adequate details that highlight specific information about the plot, characters, setting, dialogue, or ideas that connect the essay question to the text. The writer seems to be attempting to address the idea of Victor Frankenstein as the real monster in the story; however, the writer does not develop the idea in any way. (“ The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. ”)

Details (examples, facts, brief narratives, or explanations) are not used to explain and illustrate the evidence. (“ Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. ”)

Due to the brevity of this one-paragraph essay, there are no main ideas in body paragraphs to support the central/controlling idea. (“The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.”)

Organization

The organization of ideas in the essay is inadequate. The writer demonstrates no evidence of a unified structure with no recognizable introduction or conclusion. Additionally, the writer does not employ the use of paragraphing or transitional devices to create a cohesive, effective message for the intended audience.

The beginning of the response is inadequate and does not include a clear sentence that explains what the essay is about. (“ The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. ”)

T ransitional devices are not used to help connect ideas. (“ Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.”) Using transitional devices (first, second, third, next, in addition, for example, however, on the other hand, as a result) would have helped the essay move from one main idea to the next. Transition words can be found in the MY Access! Word Bank.

The essay does not include a strong conclusion. (“ Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.”)

Language Use & Style

There are run-on portions in the essay. (“ Victor Frankestein created the creature everyone claim is the monster out of dead body parts Victor also acts as if he has no friend and or family because he puts himself in the state of working with his discover of a creature. ”)

There is repetition of ideas in the essay. (“ The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family… Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.”)

The ideas in the sentences do not effectively communicate the writer’s purpose to the intended audience. (“ Victor also allows the creature he created murder his family and friend and lets others get blaimed for his creatures mishalf.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

To make this essay more effective, the writer should ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb (an action), end each sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark, indicate new paragraphs with the use of line breaks, begin each sentence with a capital letter, and check spelling of chosen words. (“ The Real Monster in Frankenstein is the creature Victor created and Victor Frankenstein because he created the creature out of dead body parts, the craeture kills Victors brother and wife, Victure let everyone but the creature get blaim for the muder of his friend and family. ”)

The writer should click on MY Editor for more ways to improve his/her writing.

Who is to Blame in Romeo and Juliet ?

In William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet , people often wonder how things could have gone so wrong for the "two star-crossed lovers." As the story unfolds, it is evident that many characters play a vital role in the events that ultimately lead to the tragic deaths of Romeo and Juliet.

In a well-developed essay, explain which character(s) is (are) ultimately to blame for the deaths of Romeo and Juliet.

Score Point 6 - very effectively communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Too Rash

Everyone knows the tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet. Everyone points accusing fingers at the fighting parents who play a role in the cause of their death. Some even condemn the friar. Ultimately though, the ones to blame are Romeo and Juliet themselves. Young and immature, they think they love, they think they understand life, and they falsely assume and jump to conclusions in a twinkling of an eye. They die at their own foolishness.

Romeo misunderstands love. He thinks love is all about the rush of excitement and quickening of the heart. He jumps from one girl to the other swearing that they are the one. He tells Benvolio in Act I, "In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman." That "woman" was none other than Juliet's cousin, Rosaline. Then at a party, he swiftly changes his mind saying, "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night." Romeo goes to the Capulet's household to search for his love, Rosaline but he instead claims that he has not really experienced true love until he first spotted Juliet. He appears to be flimsy and falling in love all over the place.

Romeo is also very hasty and very rash. As the story goes on with Juliet and Romeo planning to run away, Romeo kills himself in the end because with hasty planning and many misunderstandings, Romeo thinks that Juliet has died. So without thinking it through, he drinks poison and perishes. If he actually carefully planned everything out, there would be no misunderstanding. He does not even question the friar of Juliet's "death" to understand what is really happening. He automatically assumes that she is dead and then decides on the spot that life is not worth living so he kills himself as well. Teenagers are known for being too hasty and often using emotions instead of their common sense and brain to make decisions. Often these decisions are later regretted.

Juliet never once pauses and thinks about what she is doing. All she can think of is Romeo and herself. It is almost like she dwells within an invisible bubble world that is inhabited by only the two lovers. She can only think how happy she is with him. "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet." These are the beautiful words Juliet speaks when she makes an important choice to choose the one she loves over her family. She is taking everything that is familiar and dear and rejects it for the sake of love. The sad thing is that she is so willing to give up her beloved family and give up all they had done for her in exchange to be with someone she just met and whom she barely even knows. Even though these lines show that she is a very deep person who is able to understand that there is more to life than just reputation and that love is the most important thing but she seems rather brash to be forsaking her family and name to be with the first boy she meets and supposedly falls in love with. She boldly states that if only Romeo "sworn my love" then she would go and give her whole self to him and even forsake her name to be with him. She gives up anything and leaves herself vulnerable.

Both of them throw away all they hold dear for a life with each other without even getting to know each other first. They are young, too young, and therefore they make unwise and immature decisions. They hurriedly run away from reality and ignore the problems their love creates nor do they ponder upon the deaths of the ones they truly care about.

Although Romeo and Juliet prove their passionate and deep love for each other by committing suicide to be with the other, they both do not have any common sense and they do things rashly by doing whatever comes into their mind at the moment. There is a saying: "think before you act", but as you can see the young characters seem to miss that point and instead they do the complete opposite by acting before thinking the situation through. They loved and claimed they loved, but did they really when they were not willing to face the problems their love brought upon everyone around them? Both of them throw away all they hold dear for a life with each other without even getting to know each other first. They are young, too young, and therefore they make unwise and immature decisions. They hurriedly run away from reality and ignore the problems their love creates nor do they ponder upon the deaths of the ones they truly care about. They were too young to comprehend the complexities of love. They could not see beyond the happiness love brings and the quick heartbeats. They failed to realize that love brings suffering. Romeo is not man enough to take full responsibility for his actions and deal with the family feud so that he could be with Juliet. He and Juliet decide to run away from the problems and are reluctant to suffer for each other's sake.

Some may argue that love is inevitable and that it blinds people and makes people not able to think clearly. One may defend the couple by saying that they did everything in the name of love and their love was so strong, real, and deep that they would rather die than live a moment without each other. But love is also patient. If Romeo or Juliet really loved each other as they claim to do, then they would have also been willing to wait for each other until the right moment came. They did not want to wait. Everything they did was in a hurry. They barely even knew each other when they fell in love and then killed themselves. Did they really love each other? Did they even know each other? Did they even know what love is? Romeo and Juliet in their haste did not even stop to get to know each other. They loved in a hurry and died in a hurry. Their life was just a mere joke that love plays on us. In a way, the fighting families had something to do with the death of the two lovers, but Romeo and Juliet carry the most blame because their foolishness, rashness, and immaturity caused them to die when they could have lived happily ever after. They killed themselves. It was their own foolish choice and therefore, they die at their own hands.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this response, the writer develops an exceptionally effective and insightful position on who is to blame for the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. (“Ultimately though, the ones to blame are Romeo and Juliet themselves. Young and immature, they think they love, they think they understand life, and they falsely assume and jump to conclusions in a twinkling of an eye. They die at their own foolishness.”) In this thorough and focused analysis, the writer maintains his/her arguments and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the purpose of the task and the audience.

Content & Development

The writer’s examination of the play is very thorough and accurate. The writer uses a wide variety of details and examples from the text and other sources that he/she then fully explains and interprets through high-level connections. For example, in the second paragraph, the student does not simply state that Romeo makes a hasty decision. Rather, the writer fully supports his/her reasoning by using quotations from the play and then further elaborating on them. (“He tells Benvolio in Act I, ‘In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman.’ That ‘woman’ was none other than Juliet's cousin, Rosaline. Then at a party, he swiftly changes his mind saying, ‘Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.’ Romeo goes to the Capulet's household to search for his love, Rosaline but he instead claims that he has not really experienced true love until he first spotted Juliet. He appears to be flimsy and falling in love all over the place.”) By doing so, the student goes beyond superficial interpretation to complete an in-depth analysis using support from the text.

Organization

The essay is organized in a very effective and unified manner. The introduction begins by attempting to attract the reader’s attention (“Everyone knows the tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet. Everyone points accusing fingers at the fighting parents who play a role in the cause of their death. Some even condemn the friar.”), then proceeds to establish a strong controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a focused topic sentence. (“Romeo is also very hasty and very rash.”) Additionally, the concluding paragraph successfully summarizes the writer’s main points and leaves the reader with much to contemplate. (“They loved in a hurry and died in a hurry. Their life was just a mere joke that love plays on us. In a way, the fighting families had something to do with the death of the two lovers, but Romeo and Juliet carry the most blame because their foolishness, rashness, and immaturity caused them to die when they could have lived happily ever after.”)

Language Use & Style

This essay is composed with very effective and stylistic language. The writer not only uses precise and artful word choice, but also demonstrates a clear understanding and control of voice. (“They are young, too young, and therefore they make unwise and immature decisions. They hurriedly run away from reality and ignore the problems their love creates nor do they ponder upon the deaths of the ones they truly care about. They were too young to comprehend the complexities of love. They could not see beyond the happiness love brings and the quick heartbeats.”) The sentences in this response are also well-structured and varied. (“Both of them throw away all they hold dear for a life with each other without even getting to know each other first. They are young, too young, and therefore they make unwise and immature decisions.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

In this essay, it is difficult to detect any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. The writer demonstrates clear control of the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. (“Young and immature, they think they love, they think they understand life, and they falsely assume and jump to conclusions in a twinkling of an eye. They die at their own foolishness.”)

Score Point 5 - strongly communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

Who really is to blame for Romeo and Juliet's death? There were many people to blame. It all started from the feud of these two lovers families and ended with the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet's death.

There is no given reason for the feud but the feud was part of Romeo and Juliet's death. It all started on the day Sampson and Gregory, Capulets, met Abram and Balthasar, Montagues, on the streets. Sampson insults Abram and they all have a fight because they hated each other from the long passed on feud. It eventually led the prince to say if there were any more fights between the Capulets and Montagues in the future, the fighting people would die. I quote " If ever you disturb our streets again. Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace" (lines 97-98 p.18.) That got Romeo banished because there was another fight and he killed Tybalt. That led to Juliet drinking the potion that made her seem dead. Then, Romeo killed himself because he thought Juliet was dead. Juliet really killed herself after seeing Romeo dead and therefore, the lovers were both dead.

Then there's Paris ; a bachelor in Verona who really likes Juliet. He told Lord Capulet that he wanted to marry Juliet when Capulet thought she was too young. Capulet did allow him to court Juliet at a party he planned. " But woo her, gentle Paris , get her heart" (line 16, pg.25). "This night I hold an old accustomed feast" (line 20 pg.25). Now it's starting to be Capulet's fault. Because of Paris wanting to marry Juliet, Capulet writes out this invitation to all his guests for the party. He gives the invitation to an illiterate servant. The servant obviously can't read so he asks passersbys if they can read the invitation for him. Romeo passes by and decides to read the note for the servant. Now it's Benvolio's fault. Benvolio convinces Romeo to go to the party which they were'nt invited to and it was also their enemie's party to see someone more beautiful than Rosaline so he can get over her. "But in that crystal scales let there be weighed, You lady's love against some other maid, That I will show you shining at this feast, And she shall scant show well that now seems best" (lines 99-102, pg.28). Romeo does, but with Juliet who's probably more off limits than Rosaline. They love each at first sight and they both die because of their love.

Then there's the whole Romeo and Juliet falling in love and marrying on the same day. Why did Romeo and Juliet have to marry each other the same day they met? They could have waited a little longer and planned everything better. They could of thought about what they would do after they married. They also could have done something together about the whole Paris issue instead of Juliet knowing first and then Romeo a moment too late.

Then there are Juliet's great, wonderful, caring parents. They force Juliet to marry Paris and threaten to banish her from the family is she doesn't. She begs her mom to persuade Capulet to change his mind and Lady Capulet has the same thoughts as the dad. " Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word. Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee" (lines 204-205, pg. 105). Juliet turns to her beloved nurse for some comfort and gets everything then comfort. The nurse tells her to just marry Paris for he is a better man. "I think it best you married with the county. O, he's a lovely gentleman" (lines 219-220, pg.105). After that horrible moment, Juliet goes to Friar Laurence's for a way to get out marrying Paris . He gives her the potion that makes her seem dead, which kills Romeo because he thinks Juliet is dead. Now it's the friar's fault. Why couldn't he have thought of another way to prevent Juliet from marrying Paris ? He could of kept her at his place or somewhere no one would look and then get Romeo to come take her away. Why did it have to be a potion?

All these things led to Romeo and Juliet's death. Actually, everything in this tragedy led to the two lover's death. There are millions of things that could of saved the twos lives but it seems like everyone chose the path that killed Romeo and Juliet.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This response establishes a thorough analysis of Romeo and Juliet and the people who play a role in their deaths. A general thesis statement is presented in the introduction (“There were many people to blame.”) and is developed and maintained through the course of the essay. Clear connections are made between the play and the assignment. The writer demonstrates a clear understanding of the purpose of the assignment and his/her audience.

Content & Development

The essay fully develops its ideas using a variety of accurate and specific evidence from the play. For example, in the fifth paragraph, the writer discusses Juliet’s family’s desire for their daughter to marry Paris . The writer employs information directly from the text to support his/her main points. (“She begs her mom to persuade Capulet to change his mind and Lady Capulet has the same thoughts as the dad. ‘ Talk not to me, for I'll not speak a word. Do as thou wilt, for I have done with thee’ (lines 204-205, pg. 105).”) By including quotations and such relevant supporting information, the writer is able to effectively sustain his/her ideas.

Organization

This essay displays a mostly unified organizational structure. The introduction starts off by attempting to gain the reader’s interest (“Who really is to blame for Romeo and Juliet's death?”) and proceeds to establish a controlling idea. Each body paragraph begins with a topic sentence and transitional device. (“Then there's the whole Romeo and Juliet falling in love and marrying on the same day.”) Additionally, the conclusion appropriately ends with the writer’s thoughtful opinion. (“There are millions of things that could of saved the twos lives but it seems like everyone chose the path that killed Romeo and Juliet.”)

Language Use & Style

Although the writer selects words that are somewhat informal, most word choice is appropriate and demonstrates the student’s control of voice. (“Then there's the whole Romeo and Juliet falling in love and marrying on the same day. Why did Romeo and Juliet have to marry each other the same day they met? They could have waited a little longer and planned everything better. They could of thought about what they would do after they married.”) Also, the sentences are well-constructed and varied. (“After that horrible moment, Juliet goes to Friar Laurence's for a way to get out marrying Paris …Now it's the friar's fault. Why couldn't he have thought of another way to prevent Juliet from marrying Paris ?”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates good control over mechanics and conventions. While this essay is not without errors, the mistakes in spelling (“enemie's”), grammar (“They could of thought”), and punctuation (“were'nt “) are few and do not interfere with the writer’s intended message.

Score Point 4 - adequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I believe that there are many characters at fault for the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. The characters that are at blame are: Romeo, Juliet, Lady Capulet, Capulet, Tybalt, the nurse and the friar. All of these characters had a role in the deaths of these two lovers.

Romeo and Juliet partially caused their own deaths because instead of coming forward and saying that they " loved" each other they decided to sneak around. They thought that because their families were feuding they would not accept their choice to be together.Instead, they chose to run away and get married. Their decision to run away brought on a lot of chaos and confusion for many people.Romeo and Juliet should have tried to convince their parents to allow them to be together. If they had done this, they might not have lost their lives.

The Capulets and Montagues are also to blame because they were feuding with one another. Both families should have tried to settle their disagreement. But they continued to dislike one another. Because the reason they are fighting is never mentioned in the play, I feel that the disagreement was about something very petty. Neither of the families tried to talk things through. If they did, then maybe Romeo and Juliet wouldn't have been so afraid to come forth with their love for one another.

Both the nurse and the friar have a great deal of responsibility for Romeo and Juliet's deaths as well. The nurse knew that the Capulets wanted Juliet to marry Paris , yet she went behind her employer's back and set arrangements for Juliet to marry Romeo. The friar also has a huge part in this play. He was the one who married them and gave Juliet the idea about the potion. If the friar never mentioned anything about Juliet taking a sleeping potion that would make it look as if she were dead, then Romeo wouldn't have thought that she was dead.Then Romeo wouldn't have gone and bought a poison to kill himself. The friar had said"For this alliance may so happy prove to turn your households' rancor to pure love" (776). I believe that the friar thought that if he brought Romeo and Juliet together, it would bring peace between their families. By trying to bring them together he made things worse.

In conclusion, if Shakespeare had written the play in a way that Romeo and Juliet had come forward, maybe their parents might have been accepting of their relationship. A lot of lives wouldn't have ended and Romeo and Juliet would have been able to be together. Instead of the play being more of a tragedy, it would have been a romance.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay can best be described as an adequate analysis of Romeo and Juliet . The writer clearly attempts to establish a position as to who is to blame for the deaths of the two lovers. (“The characters that are at blame are: Romeo, Juliet, Lady Capulet, Capulet, Tybalt, the nurse and the friar. All of these characters had a role in the deaths of these two lovers.”) This response maintains the controlling idea through a basic interpretation and demonstrates some understanding of the purpose of the assignment and the intended audience.

Content & Development

Several reasons are given in support of the writer’s controlling idea, including some specific and accurate textual references. For example, in the fourth paragraph, the student describes the friar’s terrible mistake and the role he played in their untimely deaths. (“If the friar never mentioned anything about Juliet taking a sleeping potion that would make it look as if she were dead, then Romeo wouldn't have thought that she was dead.Then Romeo wouldn't have gone and bought a poison to kill himself. The friar had said ‘For this alliance may so happy prove to turn your households' rancor to pure love’ (776). I believe that the friar thought that if he brought Romeo and Juliet together, it would bring peace between their families. By trying to bring them together he made things worse.”) The quotations the writer employs in this argument helps support his/her controlling idea.

Organization

This response establishes a generally unified organizational structure. The introduction does attempt to attract the reader’s attention. (“I believe that there are many characters at fault for the deaths of Romeo and Juliet.”) Each body paragraph begins with a strong and focused topic sentence. (“The Capulets and Montagues are also to blame because they were feuding with one another.”) Additionally, the concluding paragraph ends with the writer’s opinion. (“In conclusion, if Shakespeare had written the play in a way that Romeo and Juliet had come forward, maybe their parents might have been accepting of their relationship. A lot of lives wouldn't have ended and Romeo and Juliet would have been able to be together.”)

Language Use & Style

The writer shows adequate ability to use language to communicate with the intended audience. Most word choice is appropriate and demonstrates some awareness of voice. (“Their decision to run away brought on a lot of chaos and confusion for many people.Romeo and Juliet should have tried to convince their parents to allow them to be together.”) Additionally, sentences show some variety and adequate structure. (“Because the reason they are fighting is never mentioned in the play, I feel that the disagreement was about something very petty. Neither of the families tried to talk things through. If they did, then maybe Romeo and Juliet wouldn't have been so afraid to come forth with their love for one another.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrated adequate control over mechanics and conventions. The writer does commit a few minor errors in grammar and punctuation (“people.Romeo”). However, these mistakes do not interfere with the intended message.

Score Point 3 - partially communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

The character that I think has for the deaths of both Romeo and Juliet is their parents. I think this because if there parents where to find out they wouldn't let them because both families are enemies. It was there fault because if it weren't for them they would of been alive right now. If it weren't for there hate both of them would of been together with out them worrying if there families don't get along. Another reason that is that Juliet really loved Romeo and her parents where forcing Juliet to get married with Paris but Juliet didn't want to get married with Paris . This what forced her to do something before she got married with Paris she had to do something so she could leave with Romeo.

The other character that I think has the fault for Romeo and Juliet death is the Friar because he had a plan for them but that plan didn't work. What he had planed was that he gave Juliet a poison so that when she drank it she would fall asleep and look like if she is dead. She did this because she wanted to be with Romeo. This plan didn't work because Romeo received a other message that Juliet was dead. That complicated the things Because Juliet wasn't really dead but Romeo thought she was and they knew if Romeo were to find out that happened to her he would kill him self.

This was the Friar's fault because he didn't plan everything good. When Romeo got to Verona he went directly to Juliet was. That where Romeo killed him self because he thought that Juliet was dead but she wasn't and when Juliet waked up Romeo was dead. When she saw that Romeo was dead she wanted to die right there and she did she killed her self. The Friar was there when Juliet waked up but he heard noises so he ran and left Juliet alone and that where Juliet killed her self. This was all the Friars fault because at the moment that Juliet needed her he just left and he didn't help her and it was he fault they because he could of stoped them from killing them selves.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In the response, the writer attempts to establish a controlling idea. (“The character that I think has for the deaths of both Romeo and Juliet is their parents.”) However, the student loses focus later in the essay and blames an additional character for the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. (“The other character that I think has the fault for Romeo and Juliet death is the Friar because he had a plan for them but that plan didn't work.”) This essay lacks consistent focus and meaning in its response.

Content & Development

Although the writer does provide some examples to support his/her arguments, they are limited in their development. For example, in the third paragraph the student attempts to explain the friar’s role in the death of Juliet. However, the description lacks clarity and sufficient information. (“When Romeo got to Verona he went directly to Juliet was. That where Romeo killed him self because he thought that Juliet was dead but she wasn't and when Juliet waked up Romeo was dead. When she saw that Romeo was dead she wanted to die right there and she did she killed her self. The Friar was there when Juliet waked up but he heard noises so he ran and left Juliet alone and that where Juliet killed her self.”) The response could be greatly improved with more relevant and specific details and connections.

Organization

Some evidence of organizational structure is evident in this response, but it is uncertain and ineffective. The student is certainly able to use paragraphing. However, the first paragraph seems more like a body paragraph than an introductory paragraph. (“The character that I think has for the deaths of both Romeo and Juliet is their parents. I think this because if there parents where to find out they wouldn't let them because both families are enemies. It was there fault because if it weren't for them they would of been alive right now. If it weren't for there hate both of them would of been together with out them worrying if there families don't get along. Another reason that is that Juliet really loved Romeo and her parents where forcing Juliet to get married with Paris but Juliet didn't want to get married with Paris . This what forced her to do something before she got married with Paris she had to do something so she could leave with Romeo.”)

Additionally, there isn’t a sufficient conclusion that summarizes the writer’s main points and provides a resolution to the essay. The writer could greatly improve this response by focusing on proper organizational techniques, such as an introduction, transitional devices, and a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The language used in this response is only partially adequate. The student incorporates simple word choice and occasionally constructs a run-on sentence. (“This was all the Friars fault because at the moment that Juliet needed her he just left and he didn't help her and it was he fault they because he could of stoped them from killing them selves.”) Language use is often problematic because it lacks clarity and sophistication (“Another reason that is that Juliet really loved Romeo and her parents where forcing Juliet to get married with Paris but Juliet didn't want to get married with Paris .”)

Mechanics & Conventions

The writer of this essay demonstrates some limited control of the mechanics and conventions of writing. However, several errors in spelling (“there parents”), grammar (“Juliet waked” and “he could of stoped them from killing them selves”), and punctuation are noticeable and somewhat interfere with the communication of the message.

Score Point 2 - limited in communication of the writer's message.

Model Essay

There is nobody to blame but their parents cause of the whole foe thing. If the Capulet's and the Montague didn't hate each other so much this wouldn't of happen. The reason why it is the families faut is because Romeo and Juliet new how much they didn't get along and because of that they new that they couldn't be together.So Romeo and Juliet still go and get married no matter what cause they love each other. Every thing would of been nice and easy if the Capulet's and the Montague where friends. I think that it was also Romeos and Juliet fault to because they should of stand up for what they thought was right and shouldn't of care about there families foes against each other. It was both the families fault and Romeos and Juliet faut they all made things hard. It was mostly Juliet and Romeos parents fault because of them Romeo and Juliet where scared to tell them that they loved each other and that they wanted to get married.Also because of the parents fault Romeo and Juliet had to sacrifice each others lives. This is why i blame the Montague's and the Capulet's for their own childs death.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

This essay attempts to establish a central idea. (“There is nobody to blame but their parents cause of the whole foe thing. If the Capulet's and the Montague didn't hate each other so much this wouldn't of happen.”) However, the writer fails to establish an analysis of the text to support the central idea. There is no clear understanding of the purpose of this task or how to complete this assignment. The focus and meaning in this essay are quite minimal.

Content & Development

The ideas presented in this response are inadequate and insufficient. Although the writer does mention some reasons why the parents should be blamed for their children’s deaths, the reasoning lacks an adequate number of examples, details, and references to the text. (“The reason why it is the families faut is because Romeo and Juliet new how much they didn't get along and because of that they new that they couldn't be together.So Romeo and Juliet still go and get married no matter what cause they love each other. Every thing would of been nice and easy if the Capulet's and the Montague where friends.”) No meaningful or relevant content is developed.

Organization

Little evidence of unified organization is detected in this response. The first sentence initially attempts to introduce the writer’s thesis (“There is nobody to blame but their parents cause of the whole foe thing.”), and the last sentence attempts to conclude the response (“This is why i blame the Montague's and the Capulet's for their own childs death.”). However, the essay consists of only one paragraph. The response lacks an introductory paragraph, a structured body, transitional devices, and a concluding paragraph.

Language Use & Style

The writer uses poor language to communicate his/her ideas. Word choice is weak and lacks appropriate expression. (“I think that it was also Romeos and Juliet fault to because they should of stand up for what they thought was right and shouldn't of care about there families foes against each other.”) This student also makes errors in sentence structure and usage. (“So Romeo and Juliet still go and get married no matter what cause they love each other.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates only minimal control over mechanics and conventions. Several significant errors interfere with the message in this essay. Problems with capitalization (“This is why i blame), spelling (“faut”), and grammar (“because of them Romeo and Juliet where scared to tell “) question the writer’s ability to control the conventions of writing.

Score Point 1 - inadequately communicates the writer's message.

Model Essay

I think that Romeo and Juliet's parents were responsible for their death. Because whatever the problem was, or if the problem started a long time ago, they could not do anything to stop it. They are responsible of Romeo and Juliet's tragedy.

Another reson why i think their parents were to blame for there death is that their parents told them that they did not want the Capulets and Montegue to be friend or talk to each other. They told them that they were enemies and they have to keep it like that. But it's a small w\orld an romeo and juliet found each other and fell in love.

Commentary and Analysis

Focus & Meaning

In this essay, the writer fails to establish an analysis of the text. Although there is some semblance of a controlling idea (“I think that Romeo and Juliet's parents were responsible for their death.”), it is not clearly defined nor is it maintained throughout the response. The writer fails to demonstrate any understanding of the purpose of the assignment.

Content & Development

The content and development in this essay is inadequate and insufficient. There is an instance in which the writer attempts to suggest a reason why he/she blames the parents. (“Because whatever the problem was, or if the problem started a long time ago, they could not do anything to stop it. They are responsible of Romeo and Juliet's tragedy.”) However, the reason is completely unclear and inadequate. No meaningful content is established or developed in this response.

Organization

In this short response, there is no distinguishable organization. The response is only eight lines in length and contains no evidence of a structure. There are two paragraphs; however, there is no noticeable or logical explanation for their structure. Additionally, the response lacks an introduction, proper paragraphing, transitional devices, and a conclusion. (“I think that Romeo and Juliet's parents were responsible for their death. Because whatever the problem was, or if the problem started a long time ago, they could not do anything to stop it. They are responsible of Romeo and Juliet's tragedy. …Another reson why i think their parents were to blame for there death is that their parents told them that they did not want the Capulets and Montegue to be friend or talk to each other. They told them that they were enemies and they have to keep it like that. But it's a small w\orld an romeo and juliet found each other and fell in love.”)

Language Use & Style

Even in such a short response, it is evident that the writer has difficulty using clear and coherent language. (“Because whatever the problem was, or if the problem started a long time ago, they could not do anything to stop it.”) Sentence structure and word choice are faulty and inadequate. (“They are responsible of Romeo and Juliet's tragedy.”)

Mechanics & Conventions

This essay demonstrates inadequate control over mechanics and conventions. In this brief response, the writer demonstrates a lack of ability to control the mechanics and conventions of standard written English. The errors in spelling (“reson”), capitalization (“why i think”), and grammar (“They are responsible of Romeo and Juliet's tragedy.”) are distracting to the reader.

[MT1] Colloquialism

Suggest revising to:

“conducts himself like a literary hero.”

“behaves like a literary hero.”

“is portrayed as a literary hero.”

[MT2] Do you mean “compose” here?

Parts compose the whole, and the whole comprises the parts.

Ex. the United States comprises 50 states and that the 50 states compose the United States.

So, a literary hero comprises the many cumulative qualities. The cumulative qualities compose a literary hero.

Suggested edit: “The writer explores some of the more significant events in the story to underscored the cumulative qualities that [compose] a literary character.”

[MT3] Atticus Finch’s qualities

[MT4] “literary” before the word hero?

[MT5] Awkward. Consider revising.

“The writer generally maintains focus throughout the piece of writing.”

“The writer generally maintains focus throughout the essay.”

[MT6] Awkward. Consider revising.

[MT7] Should we insert a page break before the commentary and analysis section to ensure that it all remains on one page? Or will this not matter once the text is placed into MYAccess?

[MT8] Awkward construction. Consider revising.

[MT9] Essay vs. writer

Would the use of transitional devices help the essay move from idea to idea, or is this something that the writer does?

Page tree

High_School_Literary_Models_November_2016 revised.doc

Focus & Meaning